Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 835: Emergency Boobs!

Episode Date: April 17, 2025

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond, This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way, we bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big or makes us mad.

It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. Today is whatever day you're listening to this 17th it'll be Thursday the 17th Listen to this and listen to this, you know, we don't know what's gonna be happening We have no idea what fresh apocalyptic hell will have be following us Days from now, maybe Trump is allowing new jacuzzis with more water. We don't know. There's a possibility. We have no idea. You get in a jacuzzi, you have to sit in a jacuzzi five

times longer because it's a low flow jacuzzi. I dip my hair in the water and it's not even wet. It's ridiculous. Yeah, because you fucking spray so much aquanet, you're like a fucking duck repelling water. You fucking kidding me? He's like a fucking rain-ex windshield. He's the only person who uses fucking turtle wax for their hair. Are you kidding me? Jesus Christ. He has to run really fast and when he runs really fast his hair is dry.

It just beads up and flies right off of there. Amazing. All right. So here we go. Far right influencers. The story is from wired.com. This is a fucking crazy far right influencers are hosting a $10,000 per person matchmaking weekend to repopulate the earth. They did. they did.

And it already took place. It was on March 28th and 29th. This story is a couple of weeks old. Cecil. And we were supposed to do this a couple of weeks ago, so. We were, we were, but Cecil, I feel like the word repopulate is doing a lot of work. Really is a lot of heavy lifting here.

Yeah. Because like, the population of the earth right now is eight billion people. I don't think repopulates the right word to be used. We're nearly extinct, Tom. Our species is hanging on by a thread, Tom. By a thread. Yeah. You know, just to give you like some perspective, in 1960, it was somewhere around three billion, right? So, I don't know that repopulate, we're not any danger of depopulating the planet of the plague that is humanity.

And we are certainly not gonna repopulate the planet by having billionaires get all quiver full of us. That's basically what he is. I wonder if they treat him like they treat the pandas that won't mate to say. Just slipping them fucking Viagra and putting them in a room together. Yeah, but you got, like, what's crazy about this

is that they're saying it's cost $10,000 to attend this natal conference and it's they're just gonna have a bunch of ministers and a bunch of billionaires So yeah, so that like so it's not just a matchmaking event but they have ministers there so you can get if you meet somebody get like married on the spot and Start producing more kids right away. Like, I don't know if these fucking rich fat cats know it or not, but you can have kids

without marrying someone. Yeah. Look at Elon Musk. He's got like 45 or something. He's like, he's super not, you know, look at, look at all the fucking kids that Trump has. Now, granted he's married him, but then he fucking throws them away. Sure.

So like this feels like those, um, do you remember like fucking a hundred years ago, we covered, uh, there's like a form of prostitution where you get married for like an hour. Oh yeah. Yeah. I do remember that. Wasn't it a Islamic prostitution where like you get married for an hour and then like after the hour, you're like, yeah, takes these backsies except for the

part I left. You can keep that. That you took. I'm not, it's no back seas on me. That's. Is this feels like that kind of thing? This, this feels like, it feels like a fucking like weirdly high surcharge to get into an orgy, you know, like just have an orgy, man.

What are you doing? You're a bunch of, like you're a bunch of grown ass men and women. You don't have to, you don't have to pay such a fucking high table fee just to Just have an orgy, man. What are you doing? You're a bunch of grown ass men and women. You don't have to pay such a fucking high table fee just to get into a room and fuck a bunch of people in a hotel. You can just do that. They can, but they also have to lie to themselves

all the time. So a lot of these people are, if they're religious, they have to lie to themselves that they're doing this the right way. And they're like religious, they have to lie to themselves that they're doing this the right way. And they're out there, you know, so they're paying, they're paying for their own conscience here. That's what they're paying for. Like they could easily, like, especially like ultra rich

people, they could probably find whatever they want whenever they want. The problem is, is that these people got to lie to themselves to say, the reason why I have the sex drive to like, lay a load in something is because is because I want to try to like repopulate the earth even though there's no danger of the earth going unpopulated. The only danger that there is is like ones that we're creating.

Yes! They're like many of which could be relieved if there were less fucking people would be better. I would better off Yeah, I know this is the funny show, but I have to also point this out. This is a sort of backdoor to eugenics Right. This is very much a no, you're not wrong. You're not wrong Yeah, like there it used to be be it's fallen out of political favor to say let's kill the undesirables, right? But the has it back did well, I mean it it's, it's, it's becoming more. You know what it is, you don't kill him. You just send him to El Salvador now. Jesus. Fuck. Yeah. No, that's what you do. You're right.

But like this is, this is the, this is the new eugenics, right? Which is like all of us are going to breed out or outbreed you. That's the, that's the, that's what this is. This is a sort of backdoor reverse eugenics rather than like these people can't breed. It's like, no, the desirables will outbreed the undesirables. And there is a far right wing push to do this work of being the desirable, the white supremacist desirables.

It's fucking eugenics. That's all this shit is. Yeah, no, you're not wrong. And it's the funny show, so I won't go into it any further, but like, I see you bitches. Yeah, yeah. No, I totally think, you know, like, it's okay to veer off, and it's okay to point out exactly what it is, and I think that's absolutely true. Like, this is a group of people who want to be elitist, and they just don't, what they want to do is do it as much as as Sort of

As above board as they possibly can and I think like that's sort of where they're at is like, you know Like just get a bunch of people to spend a bunch of money You have like a wandering like instead of having cocktail services. You have a guy who walks around with a collar and marries And then it's the end of your evening I guess. Also can we talk about how fucking desperate this feels? Oh god. This feels so fucking desperate. It reeks of desperate. It reeks.

God. This is the most fucking try hard, pick me fucking conference. This is the most dick wiltingly uncool thing I can possibly imagine. I cannot imagine getting hard at an event like this. This is like the fucking most flaccid fucking event in all of America. It's real easy to start that starting flag

because it just flows. It just flaps all around. It just flows. Cecil, this next story is every fear ever. This next story, Cecil, I read the headline and I just gopped at it. I don't even know what else to say. I just fucking gopped at it. CBS News, babysitter checking for monsters finds man hiding under child's bed.

I just get to read it. A babysitter in Kansas. Hold on, before you start, man's worse than a monster. Alright, so you're under a bed. Do you want to be under there with a monster or a man? Would you rather be under there with a bear or a monster? Or a man. Hell, hey everybody, I know we're going to get messages.

I'm taking the monster. Yeah, we're all picking. We're all team monster. I look, I've seen sully from Monsters Inc. I would cuddle him shit That sounds great. Mike was out one of those fucking terrorizing clowns dude. I would give a shit like that's fine I'll do the clown like that's fine clowning me. Oh god. This is this kid Can you imagine the level of permanent distrust? This kid is gonna grow up Yep, like oh, I'll check for a monster under the bed. Okay. All right All of my fears are true all of my fears my closet absolutely full of boogeymen

What are you gonna do check it? Yeah, I work out for you last time. It's gonna be boogeymen, man! Dude, when I was a kid, I was... I had a lot of real issues with the dark, with being alone. Like, I was like really not great with those things when I was a kid. I was very not great with them. I couldn't imagine... Like a real person in your house? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Like a real person in your house? Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? This would be, Cecil, this would be exactly like if you were walking down the street with your mom, holding her hand, and you stepped on a crack at the same moment her back broke. And you would be like, holy shit, I stepped on a crack, I broke my mother's back. You would be the most superstitious motherfucker ever

You are fucking Ralphie shooting your eye out. You are a hundred percent Ralphie shooting your eye out Babysitter Kansas found a troubling surprise after child She was watching complain there was a monster hiding the babysitter found a man hiding under a child's bed after they attempted to show the children There was nothing there She came face to face with a male suspect. Hold on, hold on. You're like, come on, there's nothing there. And then you leaned down, you're like, fuck!

Like, can you imagine? What do the kids even do at that point? I would shit my pants! Are you kidding me? I would lose control of my balls! That's what I would do. This is... You're also, you're the babysitter. You did not sign up for this shit.

You gotta be the one who like girds up and like fights this dude. Like you gotta be the one. You're the protector. Fuck that. Jesus Christ. Did I ever tell you, did you ever babysit at all when you were growing up? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I babysat. I babysat my best friends, brothers and sisters.

How old were you? I was 16, 17, somewhere around that. 16, 17, how old were they? I think the youngest, Kelly, was maybe like five, four, five. Yeah. And then I also, I don't know what you would call it, but I minded my friend's grandfather, who had had a stroke and was bedridden.

So like he had, he was, he had had a stroke and he was gonna, instead of hospice, he passed at home. So his end of life care was in their home cause mom was a nurse. So when they would all go out, I would also watch grandpa. So like I would change his, because he couldn't use the bathroom or get up. So I would change his, he wore like a diaper basically.

So I would change his diaper and feed him and do that stuff. So I did the older, I took care of the older guy. I don't know what you would call that, like a minded him or took care of, I don't wanna call him babysitting. Yeah, like a nurse or whatever. Yeah.

So, and then yeah, three kids. So Kelly was like four or five. And then Mary and Joey were, I don't know, I'm going to guess eight. But you were like 16 at the time. Yeah, I was 16 or something. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. What about you? So when I was a kid, uh, I was about, I would say I was either, I was either 10, 11 or 12, somewhere around there. Uh, there was this lady that we knew that was down the street and she had a newborn. And I think it was maybe 10, maybe 11.

I was watching a kid that was four weeks old. Holy fuck, dude. That's crazy. That's crazy, Cecil. Isn't that insane? It's insane to think about right now, but I used to just like, I'd go over there and just, you know, the kid would cry, pick him up. I could like make him go back to sleep. I fed him when they cried. I like held him. I like

changed him. I did all the stuff that you're supposed to do. But I watched those kids, that kid for a year or so until it was a toddler. Wow. I watched probably every other week. It was, she was a single mom. So every other week or so she'd go out and she would, she would leave her kid, her, I mean, relatively newborn child with a another child. Dude, the first diaper I ever changed was my son Finnegans. Oh wow. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I was like 10. I was changing diapers when I was 10. I'll tell you what though. I would have ran if I saw somebody in that house. If I saw somebody in that house, if there was a person out of that bed, I'm a kid myself. Yeah, man. I'm fucking bolting. Are you kidding me? Like, I was only there so I could like eat the food out of the fridge and the ice cream out of the freezer. Like, I'm not there to fight bad guys. Are you kidding me? I'm babysitter man. I ain't spider-man get the fuck out of here

You're fucking right man. Look dude it like this is my own home, and I'm a grown-ass man if there's someone hiding under the bed It's their house now That's amazing Tom looks down looks at him, and then he just walks right in, grabs the deed, signs it over, hands it over to him. There you go. Enjoy. Did I, we used to have, we used to have a shared friend. We knew this guy, Derek.

And I remember many, many years ago when we were in our early twenties, mid to early twenties, this guy, Derek, he had this habit of just sort of like showing up unannounced places. So he would just show up to my house without calling or anything. He would just arrive at the house. And I never liked it. And I would tell him like, please don't do that. I don't just want you to show up at my house. To be honest, before anybody freaks out, this was also a time where people sort of started

to do what you're suggesting, which is call me first. Before you show up, just call me. Cause we had to deal with that when we first, when Sarah and I were first together, cause there was people who like her parents would just show up and we'd be like, you can't, you just can't do that. Like that's not, but that is sort of like a new custom from what was the old custom. So I do want to point out that this is like a long enough time ago where it's not like it was so bizarre that he showed up without an outfit. That's very true. That's very true. So he would just show up and like he and I were fairly close friends. So like

he would just show up sometimes and like let himself in the house. Yeah. So one time Cecil, I'm taking a nap in the middle of the afternoon, because I didn't have kids and my life was still good. And I know, I was taking a nap in the middle of the afternoon, it's like a Saturday, and I hear some noise in my house. Sure. And I wake up and I'm fucking groggy, and I'm in my fucking underwear, and I walk into my hallway, and I see this guy,

and like, silhouetted by the sun in the hallway, and I'm like, my first thought was like, fuck, he's about the same size as me. That was my first thought, because Derek was about the same size as me. And I was like, fuck. And I'm like, who's there? Like, I got my big voice out, you know,

like my big voice. Like when you yell at the dog. And I was like, who's there? And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, it's just Derek, it's just Derek. And I was like, I was so hot about it. Cause he scared me. So I was so hot about it.

I cannot imagine if I'm a goddamn, if I look under the bed of my children's bed. Oh my God. And there's some dude under there. Mm man. Like, no thank you. Somebody's gonna get dragged around

by their hair this evening. It would be like, I know I joked about like letting out like if somebody broke into my house was under my kid's bed, they would be disassembled. They're like, because you would have, you would have made me afraid, which makes me mad. Tom, Tom goes over to the coffee can and pulls out the Ikea key chain thing. He starts going. He's like trying to, he's trying to take apart their arm with the little alfam. Officer, he was made out of dull rods and cam locks when he got here.

I'm sorry. I didn't have the instructions. All right. So we all knew Idaho wasn't fun. Still not. This story is from East Idaho news. Idaho governor signs bill criminalizing public breast exposure and truck nuts. What a way.

It's amazing that both of those things are covered under the same bill. So what they did is they expanded their indecent exposure law and it already banned the public exposure of genitals, of course, but now it includes female breasts, male breasts altered to look like female breasts, artificial breasts. Altered how? Because I will say that years of certain,

a diet has altered mine. So I'm curious, altered how? How are they altered? I think that it's very clearly like a boob job reference is my guess, but yeah, I think you'd still, I think you'd still fucking rock your moobs and your crocs and mow the lawn. You can't just be like me with my shirt off

because I look like I have like a C cup. Like you can't. C cup? I wish I was just a C cup. Artificial breasts, I don't know what that means, and toys or products that resemble genitals. Breastfeeding is exempt. So here's what you do everybody. Here's my suggestion. Market your Etsy page for Idaho and sell crocheted jockstraps for truck nuts.

Yes! Oh! So they can cover the nuts with a crocheted jockstrap and then that way nobody's offended and then you could do cool shit. Like you could crochet a little Punisher face in there or whatever for those guys because that's a very good right they like fucking your face We could do like a blue lives matter Jock strap for somebody's car Yeah, so I also like that this is a trump Like a trump one like a red MAGA one. Yeah, they're not on the back

I don't like a Calvin and Hobbes pissing on your truck nuts too. You know, that's where the ball, that's where the pee comes from. That's weird. That is. They also, they passed this bill so it would take effect immediately using an emergency clause.

Like there was some emergency. There's an emergency where you're seeing too many titties. Tom. I hope they spent some FEMA money for this What about like how that's fucking amazing to get the fuck out of fucking emergency You're an asshole. I saw a titty. I didn't want to see you're such an asshole Well, you know what you could do is just like not pay attention to everything that you see. There's lots of shit I see I don't like man. I turn on the fucking news. There's Trump.

That's fucking indecent as far as I'm concerned. Nobody wants to see that. Where's my fucking emergency Idaho? Oh God. Okay. Fucking what? Yahoo News. Phoenix teacher arrested after allegedly peeing into a can while at his desk. There's a picture of this guy.

He looks just like somebody who would pee into a can in front of a classroom full of children. You know, this guy, here's this guy. He's sitting at the desk and then he doesn't like call another teacher and be like, dude, I got to piss. Somebody's got to come in here and watch these kids for two seconds. Even if he couldn't get somebody else. Like you were a sub, like you, did you ever sub at all ever? Well, I didn't sub, but I did student teaching. He did student teaching. So I've never done this. So I don't know. But my thought is if

I know I'm going to get fired for going to the bathroom, right? Let's say I know 100% for sure I'm going to get fired. If I leave this classroom, I couldn't wave anybody down. I forgot to go last period in between the things or I was one of the hall monitors and I couldn't. So I had two periods in a row where I couldn't pee and it's that I could drink a bunch of coffee and then I had a Red Bull and now I'm just like ready to go. And I'm like, God damn it, I got to piss. Even if I know I'm going to be fired for it, I'm going to get up and just leave the classroom and go pee and come back and be like, well, I guess I'm just going to get fired, but I

had to go pee and that's just how it works. But to whip it out and know you're gonna lose your job anyway But now be a sex offender feels like a lot worse. Yeah, dude So I think I think the goal starting out was to be a sex offender 100% there's no world where you're working at a fucking elementary school and you're like Probably my penis should be out Right, like I don't know what the problem is you're trying to solve, but if you're trying to solve any problem, and I mean any problem, in front of a group of elementary school kids and it

involves your penis and the open air, you have solved the problem wrong. Wrong! Deadass wrong! Yeah, man. Yeah. Right? He said like he didn't know how to get in touch with- I don't even care if you're counting to 11. It said like, he didn't know like how to get in touch. I don't even care if you're counting to 11.

It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. He said he reverted to what he did in the military because he couldn't get ahold of another teacher. And he's like, yeah, you know, I'm new to the, he also said like, he wasn't sure what to do and he was new to the school. And I'm like, was there another school? Was there another work environment where you're like, he wasn't sure what to do and he was new to the school. And I'm like, was there another school? Was there another work environment where you're like, yeah, sometimes you just

whip out your dick and piss in a can. I don't know. Like that's a normal thing we do in society. What? No, it's not, man. That's what Amazon truck drivers do and the military. That's it. There's no other reason to piss in a can.

Now, man, those Amazon people have to pee in like a small little bottle. Oh, speaking of bottles of pee, Tom. Yeah. Oh, that's a segue to the next story. It is. I thought maybe you had something else to say, like you were going to tell me a story. I was like, wait, what? All right. So yeah, this is fucking unreal. This is from KWTX. It's like a real news station, guys.

Real news station. That's a lot of pee. Man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin or why. This dude in Portland, Oregon goes out to his fucking recycling bin God, so gross Recycling, not garbage, recycling

And there's like nine bottles, like gallon sized bottles of somebody's piss What I love is he's like, he didn't put his fucking cans out And they just put the piss in a neighboring trash can Yeah, when he didn't put his cans out there, they're put it somewhere else. They could it's got to go somewhere around here What is how I need the end of this story? Well, what is happening in your life? I have a lot of peace. I have other questions Like why is it that some of them look like a different shade? Like why is it that your like like each one is like a different shade. Like, why is it that your like, like each one is like a different

varietal, like it's like, it's its own, like, you know, today is going to be, we're going to do a little cab and y'all said cab Cabernet seven y'all. There's a little Pinot noir in there. There's a little Chardonnay. It's all a different varietal, man. Well, I, like, I, I can't imagine like opening up your recycling bin and being like, huh, he seems dehydrated today. Or you're like, oh, asparagus. It's good.

He's getting his vegetables. You know, here's the thing. This is like a whole week's worth of peas. This is a a whole... Weeks worth of pee. This is a lot of pee, Cecil! So you gotta be at your house, and you gotta be like, Oh man, I gotta pee. And then you gotta be like, well where's, where'd I leave my pee jug? And then you gotta walk around and find your pee jug.

And then you gotta, I don't know where you pee, I mean, if you're in a jug, do you just go anywhere? Or do you go to the bathroom and do it in the bathroom? Well, however, whatever your ritual is with this, you gotta do. And then you finally finish it. And then you cap it up. And then you save it until you go by someone else's house later.

There's a lot of... That is a lot of thought that goes into where your urine is throughout the day that most people never even consider. Dude, here, here, look, I'm looking at the picture. There are eight one gallon jugs full of liquid fucking piss, which means that somebody is like gathering up their pee and being like, oh, I gotta put my pee in the car, of course, like people do.

Yeah, sure, gotta transport it. And you're on your second trip back to the car at some point, right, because like, this is fucking like eight gallons of fucking pee. It's a 64 pounds thereabouts of fucking liquid. It's eight gallon jugs. You're not carrying this in one trip. You're just not, you're not, so you're like, it's your second trip full of your fucking stink piss.

And you're going to the car and you're like, oh, I gotta make sure the top's running. I wouldn't want it to spill. Yeah, no, you don't want it to spill in there. And then you're just driving at some point, presumably doing things like stopping at a stop sign, like a normal rational person that observes the rules of decorum in society.

You're watching the speed limit. Maybe you're using your blinker as you're driving around to get to a neighborhood where you stop and apropos of nothing, choose a house. And you see that house and you're driving around to get to a neighborhood where you stop and apropos of nothing choose a house And you see that house near like aha That's the one that is the house where upon I shall leave my golden treasures What podcast you listen to while you deliver your pee? Let us know that's

There's got to be one out there. There's gotta be a fucking, there's gotta be a one that a podcast name that can pass for you having to go to the bathroom. Let us know what it is. There's gotta be a water sports podcast. You guys are creative. Put it in the comments. Let us know. And, and, and then there's this next story. Cecil. Todd, I had a lot of number ones and number twos going on here. New Jersey or Yahoo News. New Jersey police chief accused of pooping by desks, by desks. Yeah.

Spiking coffee with Viagra. A New Jersey police chief is accused of defecating by desks, spiking others, coffee with Viagra and other harassments. There's other harassment too. I'm glad he mixed it up. The complaint alleges a hostile workplace that includes juvenile pranks like putting firecrackers under chairs, to axe bordering on criminals like dosing the office coffee with drugs like Viagra and Adderall.

Adderall? Come on! And jabbing a needle into an officer's penis. I don't even want to know how you got there. Like, I don't even want to know how you got there. Cecil. Yeah. Cecil, have you ever had a bad boss?

Mm-hmm. I thought so too, but I have not. You hadn't, no. Definitely not this bad, no. The first title company I worked at was fucking Chaos and Anarchy from start to finish. It was absolute fucking bedlam. It was so bad that they literally set fire to their building to burn down their servers after they got caught stealing money in a defalcation. Like it was unreal.

Yeah, it doesn't sound good. It sounds bad. At one point, like they would play pranks on each other that would get like crazy and violent and out of control. Damien, there's this guy Damien, he had a little kid, his kid had shit diapers because little kids have shit diapers. He waited until like one of the attorneys in the office, this guy, David Chang. So he waited till, I don't know why I said the name. He waited until one of the attorneys in the office went on vacation. The attorney had like this kind of corner office on the ground level with two sides that were windows and real hot in there.

Damien every day brought in a shit diaper. No. And put it in this guy's office. Fuck you. For the entire week that he was on vacation. Fuck you. I'm, like, he thought it was the funniest thing in the world. He gas chambered that dude's office with a week's worth of shit diapers. I would make that guy eat every diaper.

If they did that to my office, I'd be like, oh no, okay One of the two owners of the do you put them in a bun like I'll do it However, you want like I'll prepare it however you want eating it, but you're gonna eat it. You're eating it Yeah, all of that. I thought was crazy, right and I have a million crazy stories about that job. That job was fucking insane But nobody stuck a hyperdermic needle into a dude's penis, man. Nobody feels like nobody put amphetamine salts. Adderall is just amphetamine salts. That's all it is in the coffee. That feels like, I mean, you did put like Vibrin in your coffee. I will sometimes take an Adderall with my coffee.

Like I'm not saying like I'm immune to some stimulants like in my life, right? But like I get to decide. Don't do it for me. I'm an adult. Right. I get to decide whether or not I want fucking amphetamines today, Cecil.

I get to decide if I want to inject my penis with something. Yes, these are my choices. If I want to go sounding, I'm going sounding. But you're not sounding without my permission. Oh, God. Unbelievable. I read that and I was like, oh he's shitting on Dustin. And I was like, and he's stabbing people in the junk with a fucking needle?

Like a what? He would also... It's a hypodermic needle too! Through his genes into the tip of his penis, drawing blood. Cecil, how is that not criminal assault? Termic needle to through this jeans into the tip of his penis drawing blood Cecil how is that not criminal assault? Well, I guess if you're a police officer doesn't matter How do you rise to how are you this guy Cecil and you rose through the ranks of your career, right? You're like a regular guy. You're like man when I get some power. I'm cool today

Cool. I cannot wait to shit on someone's desk. I'm going to shit in somebody's coffee and make them drink Viagra and stab them in the dick with a fucking hypodermic needle. Pikachu becomes viral symbol of resistance during anti-Erdogan protests in Turkey. This is the most adorable video of a violent protest that I've ever seen. I'm going to play it. I'm going to play the, uh, the actual video here. So, um, here we go.

I'm going to put it on the big screen. I'm just going to play it. It's just a dude getting photos and he's in one of those like blow up Pikachu thing, I'm going to turn it down because they're just talking in another language but uh It's it's him just running The funny thing is is they have to run so weird cuz they're in those big It's like a big blow-up outfit and so they have to run so strange and everybody's running by to like grab him.

And there's a dude in a Santa outfit. It's kind of amazing. It's really funny though. Like at one point, like the police show up and like all the protesters like get like dispersed and they're running away from the violent police. But like he's Pikachu running. So like, even though it's like kind of like a big deal situation, you're like, it's still fucking adorable.

It's still really cute. It's still really adorable. I love that they're chasing him around and I love how he runs. It's actually really, really funny. So yeah, it's a, it's like a, it's like one of those situations where you're like, yeah, it's pretty dire, but it's also really amusing. Dude, you got to go to the Trump protest dressed in one of those inflatable costumes. Yes. You've got to do it.

Yes. Let me see if I can find one. I'll see if I can order one between now and then. Inflatable like you and Sarah should go as inflatable dinosaurs or something. Oh God. It'd be so funny. You got to do it. Yeah.

All right. So this next story comes from the Jerusalem Post Declassified inside the CIA's psychic hunt for the Ark of the Covenant. I read this and I was like, this feels like a citation needed episode. Yeah, man. This is a hundred percent like, and it's all just crazy. It's just all like this whole stuff. You should, I don't know how long it is.

It's not very long. You want to read it? Yeah, I'll just read this. Declassified CIA documents revealed that in 1988, the CIA conducted an experiment as part of a secret project called Sunstreak aiming to locate the lost artifact using remote viewing techniques. In one of these experiments, the person identified as remote viewer number 032 was tasked with finding an unknown target, which was, in fact, the Ark of the Covenant.

Without prior knowledge of the target, remote viewer number 032 described a container made of wood, gold, and silver adorned with images of six-winged angels and similar in shape to a coffin. The Target is a container. The container contains a container. The container contains another container inside of it. Remote viewer number 032 stated. Yeah.

It's like a Russian nesting doll arc. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, it's like a whole bunch of them. I'll put my covenant inside an arc, inside an arc, inside an arc. The remote viewer further described the object as being hidden, subterranean, dark and wet, indicating the concealed nature of its caliente location. The viewer perceived the presence of protective entities, warning that anyone attempting unauthorized access to the ark would be destroyed by the protectors of the container by a force unknown

to us. Sure, yeah. All right, sure. Yeah, it's that guy with the old cup from Raiders, one of those Raiders of the Lost Ark movies. Right, if you pick the wrong cup, then you get old real fast. You gotta pick the right arc. If you drink out of the wrong arc, then your whole body just melts away. Additionally, remote viewer number 032 suggests that the site was populated by Arabic speaking

individuals dressed all in white with visuals indicating the presence of mosque domes as reported by Inside Paper. The purpose of the target is to bring people together. It has something to do with ceremony, memory, homage, the resurrection. There is an aspect of spirituality, information, lessons, and historical knowledge far beyond what we know now. That is in direct contrast to saying that anyone that gets fucking near this thing would be destroyed by the protectors with a force unknown to us. Definitely feels conflicting.

You're absolutely right. Like, oh yeah, that's mixed signals. What do you want from me? The CIA's Project Sunstreak initiated in the 1980s by fucking idiots, sought to employ individuals who purported with purported psychic abilities to locate distant targets using only geographical coordinates. The project's findings fueled debates among historians, archaeologists, conspiracy theorists alike.

Did they? Did they? Fueled debates? Really? I don't know that those are... I think... I don't think they fueled any debates. I think historians and archaeologists were like that's nonsense and the conspiracy theorists were like I would like to someday be on the no-rogan Like it's fucking it's just the fucking Graham Hancock versus everybody who write who reads yeah, I Love I I just have to say that like,

this is one of my favorite New York Post headlines though. It's like CIA confirmed the Ark of the Covenant's existence using remote viewing. That's not how you confirm things. No. You can literally not confirm it using remote viewing. You have to use a real way to find something out. Remote viewing is not one of those a real way to find something out. Remote viewing

is not one of those ways you find out something is true. Yeah, how is that confirmed, man? Like, okay, cool. So you remote viewed it and then did you go get it? Yeah, like what happened afterwards? Where is it, stupid? What is part two? Like you didn't, oh, like, you know what remote viewing is? Imagining shit. Yeah.

The Ark of the Covenant considered the holiest object in Judaism. It's the holiest of all. It was built by Israelites, except for that it probably never existed, around the 13th century BCE according to the Bible. Moses is said to have placed the stone tablets and scribed the 10 commandments inside the Ark.

It was housed in the Holy of Holies, the innermost chamber of the temple in Jerusalem. Caliante. Until it vanished during the Babylonian conquest list in five 86 B C E. Nailed that word. Over the centuries, numerous theories emerged regarding the fate of the arc. One theory claims it was taken to Ethiopia where it allegedly resides in a local church called Mary of Zion in 2018, a group of Amer.

I'm going to write a citation about this. This is fucking crazy. This is crazy. It's amazing. Hey man, the DMV is going good. This is from Gelopnik Yahoo. Scalpers caught selling free DMV appointments for $250 in Miami. Ain't free anymore.

It's not free as soon as you start charging for it. Yeah, ain't free anymore. Did you see though, they're cracking down on this kind of all over the United States. Ain't free anymore. It's not free as soon as you start charging for it. Yeah, ain't free anymore. Did you see though, they're cracking down on this kind of all over the United States. They're selling DMV appointments in South Florida, but they're selling restaurant reservations all over the country. I don't know if you're seeing this. What?

No. The hottest restaurant reservations, you have to go buy now. So someone will go in, they'll get the reservation, their name, they'll give the reservation for like two or four, and then they do it like right when those reservations post, because a lot of these companies will have a certain time that they post, like especially these really hot restaurants.

There's a time where they sort of let out a batch, and so these scalpers go in, they get the reservation, and then they post somewhere and say, yeah, if you want the reservation, and then they post somewhere and say, yeah, if you want the reservation, it's prime Friday night, best hottest restaurant in town. It'll cost you 150 bucks or whatever. Holy shit. And then you pay 150, then you go in, you got the reservation and then you pay for dinner.

Yeah. And they're cracking down on it now. They're not going to allow, they're trying to make it so that that's not allowed. I don't know how they're going to crack down on it, but they're going to try to make sure. I don't know how people don't just get scammed all the time too. Yeah. Cause watch this man. Hey Cecil, there's a reservation under my name at fucking Shea Awesome at seven o'clock on Friday. If, if, if like you require Venmo or something like that, then you could like get the money back afterwards. You could call it fraud or whatever.

Okay. All right. So there's a claw back. I imagine that they're selling it in a place where they're doing it electronically, where you can at least say that it's a fraud or it's not a fraud. Cause I certainly wouldn't do it for cash. It was for cash. Are you kidding me?

You can just stand outside of it. You could stand outside of a restaurant with a giant overcoat and be like, Hey buddy, you want to buy a reservation? And then just like- How do you know that I actually have that reservation or that I haven't sold it three times? Yeah, you would have to, I would imagine it would almost have to be electronic

and then you would have to produce the thing that they sent you through like Open Table or whatever, or you'd have to invite me through Open Table. That's another way to do it is like, to confirm it. Okay, all right, that makes sense then. You know what I mean? Like if you reserve through Open Table, then it's like, oh, I have an OpenTable reservation. I can invite who I want.

And then they would invite you and then you just go in their stat or whatever. So I imagine there's got to be ways to verify it. That makes more sense. Because I was just... Yeah. Yeah. Jesus Christ. But these people are selling 200...

I mean like that ain't going to work at the DMV though. Well, have you been to the DMV lately, man? No, I haven't. So I've been to the DMV a couple of times since the pandemic, just cause like my license ran out, like expired and Haley's license expired. And then I went the other day cause I bought a car and I had to register the car.

So man, the DMV is a fucking shit show on a shit show on a shit show. You have to get out here. You have to get a reservation. Really? If you don't get a reservation, you can't go. You literally cannot go as a walk-in. So how do you get a reservation?

Do you just call ahead or what? You make it online. No kidding. You've got to reserve a spot online and they don't take walk-ins anymore. So like at the one near me, like the one in Naperville, they don't take walk-ins. There's just no walk-ins at all. You get a reservation or you don't take walk-ins anymore. So like at the one near me, like the, the, the, like the one in Naperville, you know, they don't take walk-ins. There's just no walk-ins at all. You get a reservation or you don't go.

Those are your choices. It's rough, dude. And the fucking DMV is so bad. Okay. This doesn't seem that bad. His story is from Philadelphia, uh, ABC 10. Mom arrested for allegedly using electric dog shock collar. Jesus Christ.

On kid official. On the kid. On the kid. I thought you were going to say on themselves. And then I was like, okay, that's fine. Maybe that's like a. How long do you wake up in the morning? This seems fine.

Tom has one on his neck, one on each arm, one around each bicep, one around each quad. Gah, gah, gah! When you wake up you're just doing jumping jacks. You're just like, aah! So I'll tell you a funny story. So I do have a shock. I do have a Pavlok 2, which is like a... Pavlok!

It's what it's called! It's so fucking funny! Fucking amazing, dude! God, you buy the weirdest shit. God, you're such a fucked up human being. I know. So the idea is like it buzzes, like it vibrates a few times before it shocks you.

Sure, yeah. And so you get a little bit of a warning. Like normal people, probably their body is like, we would like to not be shocked. I can't sleep through my watch. I have a watch that buzzes at my alarm and I can't sleep through it and it's very, very light. I can't sleep through it, impossible.

I replaced, I used to get up with the vibrating watch and it worked pretty well for like a year or two. And then I would just have dreams about walking around looking for my vibrating watch. While it's on. And I would just sleep through it walking around looking for my vibrating watch. And I would just sleep through it no problem. And so the watch gives up. After an hour it's just like, this guy's not going anywhere. So I switched to the shock watch. And the shock watch, it buzzes a few times. And the idea is like, it's supposed to buzz and then it hurts when it wakes you up.

So you're supposed to be like, oh, I'll wake up with the buzz. And then it never actually shocks you over time. 100% of the time, this thing has to shock me. Sometimes it shocks me for several minutes. And the- So you're sleeping through it. Are you looking for your watch that shocks you in your dreams?

I have, yeah, I have. But not for as long because it, this is the funny part. So I have it set Cecil to where when I wake up, I have to solve a, a, like a little math problem to turn it off. Otherwise it won't stop. So you wake up, I got to unlock my phone. I got to go to this fucking app and I got to solve this math problem. So sometimes I can't solve it before it's going to shock me again.

I don't have time. Don't you take it off then? When like, no, I'm just, I'm just like, I'm like trying to get through the app. Right. And so sometimes I'll go to press the button and I'm like one button away, Cecil, from like not getting shocked again and it'll shock me. And when it shocks you, it shocks me hard enough that my hand involuntarily twitches because it's around your wrist. Right.

Amazing, dude. And then you hit the wrong button. So you didn't turn it off. And now you're gonna start over? And then it shocks you again. And you gotta start over. It's the fucking worst way to wake up. Every day I wake up to this thing.

It's like, this sucks. This is so unpleasant. But I do not oversleep. I've already burned through one of them though. I had to replace it already. You had to replace it already? Yeah, yeah. They're not, like I don't know that they're,

I think they're supposed to like, be more of like a habit breaking device, not like a daily wake up device. So the first one like corroded out and Jesus Christ, Tom. You know what you need to do? Get some sleep. You need to hire somebody

to shit next to you. And if you don't wake up from that, he's allowed to jab your penis with a needle. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us on our goofy show this week. We'll be back on Monday with a full show and we're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptic's creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit.

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