Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 846: Naked 5K and Jell-O Shots

Episode Date: June 12, 2025

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started.

I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started.

I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way, we bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence

to any topic that makes the news, makes it big or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mad. It's the day you're listening to this. I don't know when that is. When does it still come out? Come out next Thursday. Well, it's next Thursday then.

Enjoy your next Thursday. What is next? What is next? What's today? It's the fifth, so it's gotta be the 12th. So it's the 12th. Yeah, so it'll be the 12th. So it's the 12th when you're hearing this.

And today's our funny show. I fucking love doing these funny shows, man. I these- God. And especially the stories on this fucking love doing these funny shows, man. I think- Big fan. God, chef kiss. And especially the stories on this one are a fucking hoot, man. These are fucking great.

So let's launch right into this. If you're hearing this, it's probably, I don't know if Trump and fucking Elon Musk have had their cage match in the octagon yet or whatever. It's about whatever- God, I hope so. Stupid, surrealist bullshit is about to happen. Next Trump has them arrested and deported. See, so see, so see, so see, so see, so see, so see, so see, so see, so see, so see, so

so oh, he should revoke his citizenship. He could write, could he? Oh, he sees. Oh, I think we need to play. Let's just let's just take a second. Right? Couldn't he? Oh! He could've. Oh ho! See? Oh! I think we need to play. Let's just, Tom, let's just take a second. I don't even believe this, but let's think this into existence really quick, really hard.

It's going on my vision board. One, two, three. I'm going to count to three and then we'll push really hard. Okay, alright. One, two, three. I pooped a little. Okay. I made it.

I made it. I peed a little and I pushed it out into the world. Oh god Fucking give birth to that one. God man. Wouldn't that be amazing? I thought my vision board was so hard. God it would be so amazing if he fucking kicks him out of the country God, it would be the best. Oh It would also show you what kind of country you live in Oh, I mean that would be an immediate descent into fascism. Don't get me. I'd be like, it would be what I was thinking too though. It would be like a wacky fun one. It would be. You know what I mean? Like if you can choose a descent into fascism, you want the guy who's goose stepping off and the like at that,

whatever that movie was. Beautiful minor. No, beautiful life. Beautiful life. Beautiful mind. The fucking math guy. Guse steps off and gets murdered at the end of the movie. Jesus fuck. Rose blood's all to the side. So I just ruined everything for it. I was just thinking though, like how much of Musk's anger do you think comes from his sense that, hey, I fucking bought you. I know, man. I know, right? Because he's like, I bought you and you're not doing what

I said. And like, I think that most of his anger probably stems from, I thought I was buying this politician and now he's not doing what I said. How much did he spend? 250 million. Dude, that's a quarter of a billion dollars that man spent. Yep. Yep. You would think that would get you the tote bag.

You know what I mean? Like where he totes your balls around. But instead. For real, man. You would think that would get you the tote bag. You know what I mean? Like where he totes your balls around. For fucking real, man. No, didn't get you anything. You think you got that? God, you got had. He got fucking taken.

Do you know what the worst part is? The worst part is you can't even look at your kid and be like, we were beaten by the best because it's Trump. It's fucking Trump. That's so fucking funny. God, you were beaten by a fucking loser. Jesus Christ. It's like, I hate them both so much

that like I just can't stop loving the fact that now they hate each other. I love it so much. It's so great, man. Yeah, I want them to hate each other. Oh, it's good. It's good. All right, so speaking of keeping America great,

the stories from USA Today. I don't get this one at all. Inmate's last words before execution. President Trump, keep making America great. So these were literally... What? Like, look, Cecil, I think when we think about the most important constituencies in America,

we too frequently ignore the serial killers. We do. It's something we pass over. We don't think about them. They're a long, long maligned and oft forgotten demographic of America, politically disenfranchised. Who will think of the serial killers? He said, oh, me oh my. This is literally a serial killer. I know. And what is so crazy is if you read this story, he, when they, when they caught him, he's the, what is it? Some kind of charismatic serial killer,

like the, like, he would like the Casanova killer Casanova killer so he was like he was like wooing people or whatever but then he also confessed to Nicole Brown Simpson and the other guy everything just confessed to something he didn't even do because we know someone who did it right he wrote a book about it come on you didn't come the fuck on you're taking one for OJ in any case this person is just like like confessing to crimes they didn't even do, but then when they're getting ready to kill him, the person who's in there, whose loved one was killed by this person, is in the execution room, get to watch them.

That's also kind of strange too, by the way. I just want to point out that the person who's had a victim, like their, their relative of one of his victims is able to see him die, which I don't, I mean, I don't know that I can wrap my head around that. But in any case, before he dies, he's like screams like, not only screams like freedom, like fucking Braveheart or whatever, then he's like, make America great again! And then he like dies. And you're like, what in the...

The person who was watching it was just like, yeah, no, I don't even got it. Yeah, you guys, I can't even wrap my hat around that. This is this is the comment. So this is crazy. So like I I can wrap my head because again, themes themes. Yeah, I am a worse person than you. So like if somebody killed my kid or my wife and they're like, well, we're going to kill that guy to be'd be like, yeah, I'm fucking there.

Like, I don't even believe in a death penalty. I think it's bad policy. I think it's extremely indefensibly grotesque public policy. That's it on a personal level. If somebody kills my loved one and I'm 100 percent certain it's them. And they're like, do you want to go see that person who killed your son or your daughter or your wife? I'd be like, see it. Yeah, man, I'm going. Like I am a bad guy. So like I would go. So I get that part. But this is like,

this is the part this person says, Randy Roberson, whose mother, Andy Luce Giles Stilton, was a victim of the cast name of a killer, witnessed the executions that Rodgers comment about Trump seemed to confuse people in the room. I was like, where did that even come from? He said. And that guy's wife, the guy I just read, that guy's wife, who was also a witness, said she thought, what the hell? So this story comes from Fox 5. Rump.

Customers upset with missing tea and Trump branded watch that cost $640. Some dude bought his wife a present. It's a Trump watch from the fucking Trump chilling site. It's a Rump watch. Thank you very much. God, what an ass, Cecil. I love this so much. I love that somebody is just like,

hey man, I'm gonna go out and buy my wife a Trump watch, but they walk under there like, yeah, I'm gonna give you this watch, and it's got a fucking, they didn't put the T on there. Yeah, dude, this is exactly the kind of quality control that we would expect from a from a rump branded product This is like when you get like a like an off-brand Rolex you get it and it's like fucking made in China It's like I have an authentic bolex, you know

Oh my god It's a funny like this is a fucking six hundred $640 watch with the same attention to detail as something you get from a fucking quarter machine at the fucking grocery store. I don't know much about watches. That feels like an expensive watch to me. That's a mid-price watch. It's more expensive than my watch, which is an Apple watch. Yeah, yeah.

Like I will say, like I have a few watches that would be, for me, that would be an expensive watch, but that would not be considered like a like an expensive timepiece at all. Like that would be like a like a mid priced watch in that world. Right. So but like a six hundred dollar watch, you can get like a nice Movado watch. You can get a nice quality watch. But did they spell it Movado? It's a Novato. That's not the same. Yeah. Like you would expect a certain amount of quality control. Movedo. It's a Novato. That's not the same.

You would expect a certain amount of quality control, such as like the name that is essentially the brand. A 1T. I would like a T, please. It's so funny because they literally just cribbed the dude's name just so they could sell a watch and then they spelled it Rump so then they don't have to pay any royalties well I know I but I think that this was it's confusing because it says from the article that the ads so forgive me the ads Feature Trump in the ads talking and the site is get Trump watches and the site says its watches are the official Watches of Trump, but in a small print it says that it licenses the name and likeness. So he gets a licensing fee. He gets a, because that guy will put his fucking name.

Our fucking president is selling his licensing fee to a company that can't even spell his name right. Cecil, do you think he only had, do you think he only got 80% of the licensing fees since he left off 20% of the letters? They left off 20% of the names! I'm gonna license part of my name, but not the whole thing. I'm not entirely for sale. God, it's so amazing.

Fucking Rump Watch. Oh, it's so good. God, these fucking fools will buy anything. You put it next to your head to see if it's working and it's the rump shaker because you're shaking it back and forth. This story is fucking bonkers. It's from USA Today as well. Kindergartener brought jello shots to school, gave mouth to students. Jesus Christ, dude. I mean. Okay. First off, jello shots are disgusting. Thank you. Okay. First, let's just get there first. Let's just start with, don't ever make jello shots. Just drink the liquor. Like, what is wrong with you?

Jello shots are foul. They're disgusting. Like, why on earth would I want to take a thing that already doesn't taste great, add alcohol to it so it tastes worse, and then have to chew it instead of quickly drink it? Like, why would I do those things? No, look, here's the thing.

A jello shot contains roughly one third the amount of alcohol as a shot. Because it's full of jello, guys. It's jello and water. The jello jello shots, you can't just use just booze and the jello. The jello takes up space in the shot cup, right? The water takes up space in the shot cup. It's a third the amount of booze. And now you have to suck down a fucking jello booger that tastes like fucking vodka. Kind of, but not much. It's a bad way to have jello. It's a bad way to have alcohol.

It's a bad thing to leave out for your kindergartner. It's really bad to leave out for your kindergartner. Cecil. Cecil. I've raised too many kids. Yeah, so many. At no point in their kindergartner lives is there a way for them to transport a tray of jello shots to school without my knowledge. Without you knowing it, right? First of all, let me just, you just gotta run through the Mission Impossible-esque scenario

that has to have happened here. First of all, I have to have like jello shots I made, but I'm not using for some reason. The only time anybody has jello shots is because like they're having a frat party tomorrow. Yeah, there's like a kegger or something. There's no adult is like, let's make jello shots. Like you're not a person that should have children. If you have jello shots and children, the government should take one of the two away. That's it. That's it.

And they should come up and spin a wheel to see which one that is. I don't actually care which one they chose. Like it's fine. So like, but like jello shots, like, oh, so maybe you're having a party that night. I don't even, you made them on Thursday for your rager on Friday or something. So Friday morning, your kid wakes up and they're going to go to school and they look in the fridge and there's what? Like a tray of jello shots and they just get themselves up and off to school

without your supervision and get on the school bus with a tray of jello shots. What is happening? They carefully and don't spill an entire tray of jello shots the entire way there without your help? That's impossible. A kindergartner is five! I don't believe it. I don't believe it either. A kindergartner is a five-year-old kid, man. Even a precocious five-year-old kid is not like waking up in the morning and like you're not

helping them get ready for school and you're not helping them like do any of that stuff And they're just going in the fridge and grabbing a tray of jello shots apropos of fucking nothing What what and then just? Toddling off with their fucking oversized Backpack and they're fucking off to the school bus with your fucking tray of jello shots you wake up in the morning at fucking two In the afternoon or whatever because you're the worst parent in the entire world because you let this happen and you're like stagger bleary eyed downstairs to calm your nerves with a nice jello shot and you're like, ah, kids stuck in the school again.

There's four texts from the principal there with like, I'd really like to speak to you right now please. You know, here's what you do. If you think jello shots are a thing, right, that you should do or whatever, do this instead. Drink those froufy shots. So like, get one of those ones that's like part Bailey's, part some hard liquor, and then like part something else. And then you drink it and it tastes like a fucking

coconut fucking pie or something like that Like three of them and you're gonna vomit right? They're like shit like that like drink those those are awesome They taste really good. That's like drinking dessert and then you get fucking hammered from them Like that's what you should focus on if you're to if you're ever considering a jello shot instead. Just do like a buttery nipple or something. Yes. Yeah. Clearly you're doing this and I get it. You're doing it because you don't want to taste the booze. That's cool. A lot of booze tastes super bad. I totally am with you. But like one, like don't leave it out for your five year old. That's fucking weird to just pick booze that like is overpowered by the other ingredients

Yeah, fine. I also don't understand the like let's fill a watermelon with vodka and then eat the watermelon You could just have no no no no no don't do that. It's not good watermelon Watermelon is not good booze and it's not good booze. Why are you so mad at all the things in your house? Why? Just fucking, if you want to do that, just fucking go under your sink and drink fucking, you know, dish soap or whatever you got laying under there. You clearly have no taste buds left. Fucking in serves your right news. This is from the Guardian.

Man died of blunt force injuries at US Zoo after suspected kangaroo fight. Jesus Christ. They can fight you? Kangaroos? Kangaroos will fuck you up. They used to put kangaroos in boxing rings. Did they really? Yeah, so this was like an exhibition thing

that used to be part of like turn of the century, turn of the 20th century America. They put kangaroos in a boxing ring and they put little gloves on the front legs of the kangaroo you know a little front like and then people would get in the ring expecting the kangaroo to use its little fronty front paws but it doesn't but it doesn't he uses its bottom massively powerful bottom feet that are used to propelling a 200 pound kangaroo seven feet down you know like fucking box jumping seven feet in the air.

It just fucking pummels the shit out of people. Kangaroos will fuck you up, man. There's a video that I was watching a while back where it was this dog, I guess this dog was getting like headlocked by one of them, right? So this dog's getting headlocked and this guy just He's like he's like hey and the kangaroo

Let's go with a dog and the dog kind of runs away, and it's looking at him And the guy just goes Like he jacks the thing right in the face And then that's it! And then the guy walks away, like he jacks the thing right in the face! He like walks up and he's like, POO! And the thing just eats that punch and just ate it! It was just like, yep. And then he's like, alright, well I guess we're done! Anyway, I'm leaving! I gotta go! And the dog was alright and the dog left. But he had, I guess they had the dog in like a headlock?

And I was reading some comments where they're like, yeah man, I don't know if they kill dogs or if they attack dogs or hurt dogs or whatever down there in Australia. But they were saying, you know, like that that might happen on occasion. And like, you just stay away from the fucking kangaroos, man. You stay the fuck away from them. Why would you? Did this person get into an enclosure? That's what happened, right? Yeah, it's like this is the dumbest shit in the world. So this was actually a petting zoo. Let me read part of this. It's fucking crazy. Yeah.

Well, here, this is the dumbest shit in the world. So this was actually a petting zoo. Let me read part of this. This is fucking crazy. Oh my God! Yeah, well here, this is the dumbest shit in the world. Eric Slate, 52, died of multiple blunt force traumas. Local officials said Slate, brother of five-star farms owner Robert Slate, liked to enter the enclosure containing the kangaroos and wallabies and rough house with a kangaroo named Jack. So Cecil, this is a guy whose brother had a fucking petting zoo and he's like, I want to get in there and just like fuck around and see if I can find out. So he got, he gets in there and he fucking engages this kangaroo. This is a kangaroo who's about the same size as this guy. Yeah. You definitely want to go for a weight class a little below yours.

Just the fuck I'm listening to. You don't want to go for your weight class. Like, I certainly wouldn't want to fight a raccoon there, a raccoon. A fucking, well, I wouldn't want to fight a raccoon my size either. Can you imagine, man? But I wouldn't want to fight a kangaroo my size. Dude, every wild animal will kick your ass. Every single, like, a ladybug.

A ladybug will fucking swoop in and beat your ass. Like, every wild animal will kick your ass no matter who you are. I remember I was jogging. I probably told this story before, but I was jogging years ago. I was about 18. Somewhere after my senior year, I was jogging and somebody's German shepherd had gotten out. The German shepherd decided it didn't like joggers, so it jumped up on me and was barking and snarling and like in my face. Like it's like fucking paws around my shoulders, big ass dog.

And I thought this dog was going to fucking eat my face. And I punched that dog. I'm 18 and I'm a strong 18. And I punched that dog in the fucking side of its head as hard as I could with fear and adrenaline coursing through my young, strong body. The dog popped down, popped right back up. Like all I did was unbalance it slightly for a second. The dog didn't care at all and was legitimately going to eat my actual face until its owner came out and then yelled at me as it restrained the dog

for punching his dog. And I was like, your dog was going to eat my actual face, the face I use to be a person. Like what is happening and I'm in trouble. You say that Tom, but there's like that story of that guy who like tore a jaguar's tongue out with his bare hands to kill it. Like you say that and I'm like, yeah, I agree. And then at the same time, there's a human being who's like, I will use this mitt to pull a jaguar's tongue out of its body and kill it. That's true. That's true. That's true.

So let me rephrase it. Most people will get killed. Like every wild animal. I remember years and years and years ago listening to like a This American Life story. The squirrel? About like, no, there's like, what I was thinking of is like, there was like a rab American life story. The squirrel? About like, no, there's a, but what I was thinking of is like, there was like a rabid raccoon. Some like lady was like walking,

it's like, she had like one of those like long, rural driveways. Yeah, yeah, I remember this one too, yeah. And a raccoon with rabies came at her. And it took her and her, was it radio lab? There you go. I think it was. It like took her and her husband

to like get away from this raccoon. Yeah, I had to beat the shit out of it and try to get away from it. And it was like still coming at him. Dude, I had to beat the shit out of it and try to get away from it. And it was like still coming at him. Dude, a raccoon is a fucking fifth of my size. I was remembering the squirrel story when the squirrel, they're trying to, these guys are trying to catch the squirrel to like get it.

And then like the squirrel like causes a bunch of havoc. It's actually not good for the squirrel. So I don't want to relate the story. But it's a whole thing on like this American life called Squirrel Cop. I remember that one. Fucking guy wanted to get in a rough house with a kangaroo. I think the name of it is Fiasco maybe was the name of the episode. I can't remember. I think it was Fiasco was the name of the episode.

But it's Squirrel Cop. If you search for Squirrel Cop, you'll find it. I also want to say, the final thing I'll say about this kangaroo story is like at the end of it, they're talking about like the tribute that they had to this brother at the funeral. And I thought to myself when I read it like, man, I wouldn't even have a funeral for somebody this stupid. Like, you know what? I wouldn't even have a funeral. I would part of that. They are part of the petting zoo now For like somebody I know is like I tried to roughhouse with a kangaroo and it don't kill me

I'd be like yeah, I didn't know that guy Like down to where they they're just like yeah, nobody knows who that was. We just had a funeral for him He's like in an unmarked grave in the cemetery. I don't care how much money that guy is He's a fucking intellectual pauper and needs to be buried in a pauper's grave. That's an unknown person I would even mark his grave site. There'd be no obituary Now we haven't even called the cops and let the other animals eat him. That's not even a person anymore This story is from wftv.com. Man sues what a burger for almost a million dollars.

Jesus Christ. Over no onion special request. There's some requests as a person who might have allergies or whatever that are, that are understandable and okay. But I think as someone who has allergies, you've got to expect that if you go to a place and you have deathly allergies, like I have a friend of mine, his wife cannot eat certain things like there's some stuff she just cannot

metabolize, she gets very, very ill, not deathly ill, right? Not sick to the point where she's going to have to be hospitalized, but sick enough where they literally don't even eat out anymore. deathly ill, right? Not sick to the point where she's gonna have to be hospitalized, but sick enough where they literally don't even eat out anymore. They don't even go, they didn't even try to do it. They're like, no, we just won't do it because like there's too many risks for her health if they go and because there's like too many things that she can't consume. So they just, they know that you can't do it. This person's like, yeah, I'm going to go to a place where like,

if you walk in, they probably throw an onion at you. Like, are you kidding me? Like, it's like, like, that's all they serve. There is like onions on burgers. And they're like, yeah, I didn't get it. I wanted to make sure that there was no onions anywhere near it. And you're like, OK, now they are being a little ridiculous. Isn't the McDonald's story where the person actually got really, really burned and like one of those things.

It's not one of those. It's not very frivolous lawsuit. This is like, yeah, I would. Haley is at a place where we haven't been able to go to a restaurant for years. Like we like if we go out to like someone else's house, she brings her own food for like literally the same reasons you were describing. It's not that she'll die, but she'll be extremely uncomfortable. She'll be uncomfortable. We're not swinging over to fucking Whataburger to like cross our fingers. Like if somebody's got a life-threatening allergy

and you're going to like swing over and be like, well, I hope some indifferent teenager being paid minimum wage doesn't kill me today with a careless mistake. That would be like going to a gun range where all the fucking ranges were randomly oriented every few minutes. Right? They're not even all facing the same direction. And the people running it were all blind. Right?

And then you go and somebody shoots you, you're like, well, I didn't think anything would happen. You did a stupid thing. That's like a stupid thing to do. I recognize that there are people with life-threatening allergies and I sympathize with those people. Same. I also recognize too that a lot of those people are very careful and they would never do anything like this. This is clearly, and we're making, we're talking about this, but this is clearly like a frivolous lawsuit. This person has had lawsuits like this thrown out in the past.

So it's a clearly- They've done this over and over. This is a frivolous lawsuit. But I will say this, like, there's people like, and I really feel for people like that. I'll tell you what, you know, recently, and I want to say it's in the last maybe five or six years, I can't stand the smell of truffle oil.

So if like somebody uses truffle oil on something that's at the table, most of the time it's enough for me to lose my appetite. If it's served on a something I'm gonna eat, I will immediately send it back or just not. I just won't eat it. I'll be like, yeah, I can't eat that. It's an aversion I've developed over the past several years

where now I just can't eat it at all. I can't smell it, I can't eat it. I just don't like the way it smells or tastes. So that seems to be an ingredient that a lot of people use all the time. And so I've got to make sure I ask about it. I've got to ask people and be like, is there truffle oil on it? Because it's just one of those things that I'm adverse to.

It's not even gonna hurt me. It's not even gonna hurt me. It's just an aversion. And it's just an annoyance. And I'm like very careful with it. So I know these people who have to deal with like peanut allergies or, you know, these other things that can really fuck you up.

They are very, very careful with the things that they have to do. And probably a lot of people with peanuts and things like that, especially those things that are really, really like, that can really cause a bad, dangerous reaction. Those people have to be very careful and they might not even eat out. I would imagine a lot of those people don't even eat out.

And I don't want to sound callous. I fully, I'm like, I am living that life myself right now. We do not go out. We don't order in. We can't do that. It's super sucks. I get it. I empathize completely.

Like I get, I just want to be able to go out. But like, yeah, like if you'll die cuz somebody you don't know Put an onion on a burger at a fast food. I'm not going to fuck a fast food place Yeah, because one wasn't cuz he was gonna die you I know it wasn't this is a bull this whole thing is bullshit I'm just a little gassy. Yeah, my tummy Tom. I got it. I mean a million dollars. I farted a little bit So rich so rich. I'd be so rich. I would like one French onion soup, please, and a palace. This is a nice story.

This story comes from the AP. An Oregon man who quit his job to set sail with his cat arrives to cheering fans in Hawaii. Adorable. What I love about this is he taught himself to sail by watching videos on YouTube. He was just like, yeah, it kind of seems like it'd be cool. I'll buy this fucking $50,000 boat, fix some stuff up on it, grab my cat, watch a few videos and then head out on the open ocean. I love that they have a cat that's just like along with them.

It's like they're they're sailing cat. It's a sailing cat. I fucking love it. That's great. I think that's it sounds like when I think of like these guys that do the like across the ocean by themselves, I'm like, I fucking sound so lonely. But like maybe if I had a nice if I had a cat with me, I'd be like, yeah, that's so bad.

It's not so bad. Talks all the time. It might be okay. I I'm always like I'm always amazed when people are like yeah, man I just crossed the entire ocean and you're like dude. I Don't know that I want to do No, man, that seems like such a dangerous But there's like people who will be like yeah, I just got into a boat and just like fucking went across the whole ocean. That's a whole different breed of person than I am. Like I'm like, nah, man, that ain't for me, man. I ain't doing that. Dude, I think that all the time when I see like, I'm just like, oh, we're different species. We're literally, you are the advanced version of whatever piece of shit I am. Like I'm like,

I'm fucking like the fucking version 1.3, you know, and those guys are like version seven and they're just like, yeah, right. Yeah. Same basic shape and structure, but obviously not the same thing. I don't even want to shop at a different grocery store. Dude, I've seen, I've seen like videos of like big tanker ships in these enormous storms. I know, right? And I'm just like, there's a zero, I wouldn't find myself in that, no, no, no.

There is a part of me, so when I was a kid, I lived in a city that was along the canal. So that canal that connects Lake Michigan to the Mississippi ran right through my city, right? Lockport was this one of the cities I grew up in. And so when we would go to the grocery store, sometimes those guys would pull over their barge, they would call a cab or whatever,

and then they would take a cab up to the grocery store, and then they'd buy a bunch of supplies. And then they would put those supplies into the cab and go back, and I remember seeing all the food that they would get and I was like a little kid and I was seeing like they'd have these big carts because it's all dudes on these, you know, big guys that are on these barges that got to do all this work. So they come up with like two or three carts full of food that they've got in this thing that they're bringing back. And I remember being like, as a kid who didn't have a lot to eat, I was

like, I kind of want to do that when I'm older. Right, yeah, man. Like my brain was like, I kind of want to be a barge guy when I get older. I want to do that. I want to be a barge guy. And there was a part of me, a genuine part of me that was like, that would be a kind of cool thing

to be able to be, like, cause that's a, what I really love about that idea is that you're seeing a part of the world that lots of people don't get to see together. Like you may be able to go to this one part of the bank of this canal, but you don't get to experience the canal itself as you view it. It's a lot like a train track, right? It's like that sort of view that you get is unique to that train. It's like you get to see that as a passenger on the train or as a passenger on the, that's unique to that. And it always appealed to me that idea of like

being on a mode of transportation where like no one else gets to see this sort of view constantly that you get to see was always very appealing. There was a part of me, a genuine part of me that was like, that would be cool. But then you think about all this stuff that they have to do and be like, yeah, once in a while they nip off a leg when they're doing the bar stuff and I'm like, yeah, I'm good. I'm all right. I need all

these. These are my grabbing fingers. I don't want to get rid of those. Yeah. Sometimes these guys fall off the oil rig or whatever. Just never seen again. You're like, I don't want to be that guy. I'm good. I'm good. I'd like to be seen again. Yeah. There's a romantic part again. You're like, ah, I don't want to be that guy. I'm good. No, I'd like to be seen again. Yeah, there's a romantic part of me that's like, that sounds fun. And then there's a logical part of me that's like, you can just edit video. Yeah, man.

That's another thing you can do. I used to think, it's so funny, Cecil, I used to think I was an entirely different person than I actually am. I used to think I wanted, like I used to romanticize long haul truck driving in much the same way. Oh, really? Yeah, I used to think I wanted, like I used to romanticize long-haul truck driving in much the same way. Oh really? Yeah, I used to think like, oh man, it sounds great to just be like, I'll get like a little dog or something, I'll be alone with my thoughts, and I'll like travel the

country and I'll see the country and I'll just be like me and this independent force of just myself and my thoughts travel. That's not like, that's not me at all. At all. I don't know who I thought the fuck I was. That's not me at all. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't want my thoughts at all, much less to be alone with them. I want other people to have to deal with that shit. My dad was a trucker. I know. Was he a long-long? My dad was a trucker. He was a... For times in his life he would do the haul stuff where he would travel. The farthest he ever went was like multi-state Midwest. He was never like, go to California with a truck.

Like the farthest he would go would be like Missouri or, you know, maybe Nebraska or something like that. But then he'd come back. So it was like kind of Midwest-ish, you know, near West. He never had to go over the Rockies. So it was like kind of Midwest-ish, you know, near West. He never had to go over the Rockies. So it was never anything that far out. And he would travel to sometimes go to Pennsylvania, sometimes go to Missouri, but then often what his job was,

he would just be the guy who was local. So he would just do local runs. And that's what he wanted was a job where you just get up in the morning, you get in your truck, you deliver the things you need to deliver around here, and then you come home at night. That's what he wanted to do. But sometimes that's just impossible to find a job like that.

You just gotta have a job where you travel. And there's some people, I know there's people who listen to this show that are long haul truckers. Yeah, we got emails from them, yeah. Yeah, we got an email from them where they just traveled, that's their life. They just traveled those things,

and then they live mostly in the truck or in places where they visit and things like that. I've had to stay in a truck overnight with my dad when I was with him a couple of times. I've stayed in truck stops where we slept in the bunk, like that bunk. Oh really? Yeah. So there's like, he had like a sleeper thing.

And I was a little kid at the time. I bet that was awesome as a kid though. It was neat. It was really cool. Like, and like dad was like cool Let's go eat and I get to eat something at the truck stop and then you know Like you just get in and you drive around and that's a cool experience Like you could just crawl behind dad and go to sleep for a little while. It was pretty cool. Actually That's an awesome like a passenger. Yeah as you know when my dad was driving it it so yeah, I think my mental health would collapse

Absolutely Fucking bottom out within a month within a month. Yeah, I would I would fucking fall apart Yeah, I would be a kind of fucking train wreck like I don't like time. I'm not a solitary person Cecil I am also sitting and just I mean it's not really sitting still though because you're moving you know I don't mind driving. I can drive for a long time because it doesn't feel sedentary. It really doesn't to me. Yeah. This is a fucking Florida article if there was ever a Florida article. OkalaNews.com. Ocala woman arrested after punching officer's testicles, refusing to pay tab at steakhouse.

I just like. You ever play Mortal Kombat, Tom Kombat Tom. Do that Sonya's move right? Right? Yes. Do the split and then she punch you right in your fucking go to. Yeah. And then you just like that's what the first thing I thought is they came up and like Johnny Cage came up and she's like maybe that was John. No John was that Johnny Cage's maneuver?

No, I thought- It might have been Johnny Cage who did it. Who, really? I thought it was that Sonya. I don't know, maybe Sonya did a different thing. Okay. She did a different, she like did a grab and a flip I thought. Okay. I thought she like grabbed you by the head.

And then Johnny Cage was the one who did the splits, now that I remember it. Cause we're gonna get credit carded. And I don't wanna, I wanna make sure, whoever does it, if you do it, just please have your glasses on when you do it. Make sure you adjust your glasses before you send the email to tell us who we punched, who in the balls. I have probably not played Mortal Kombat in 30 plus years. So I'm wrong.

I haven't played in a long time. I'm wrong. When I did play it, I played it a lot. Let me tell you. I played Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis. I played it in the add a coin to it. Oh shit Yeah, so I was uh, I was add a coin to it and then fight the guy next to you Oh, man, so it was like it was like PvP Early form of PvP was the guy next to you at a quarter and you wasted his quarter when you punched him in the balls

so Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Johnny Cage. And I think I'm sure whatever. Look, I am a hundred percent sure I'm wrong about this. Why are you in a steakhouse punching people in the ball? I guess really you just said at the beginning, it's Florida. So. It's Florida. This is it. Like, let me just read what happened here. So she's at this place called Mark's Prime Steakhouse. She refused to pay her tab according to the rest report. When one of the officers entered the restaurant, King was observed sitting at the bar and the report stated she appeared to be intoxicated.

A manager informed the officer that King was refusing to pay her tab, which was $99.53. The officer assisted with escorting King out of the steakhouse into the patio area where she sat down in a chair. According to the report, a bystander offered to help King by getting the cash she needed to pay for her tab, though she would first need to send the money to the bystander via Venmo. The report stated that King gave the officer permission to assist with sending the money to the bystander. And while the officer was attempting to send the money while using King's cell phone, everyone

is trying to help this lady. While using her cell phone, King allegedly became agitated and stated that the officer should just leave her alone instead. She then snatched her phone from the officer before allegedly raising her right fist and pulled it back as far as she could and proceeded to punch the officer in the testicles. Moments later she was placed under arrest. Yeah, I bet she was. I bet she was roughly put into the car too. I bet he treated her like he was a fucking kangaroo in the petting zoo.

Contempt and nuts. Let me tell you. What is happening in your life when you go out and eat a hundred dollars worth of steak and you're like, I ain't paying. I'm punching that guy in the nuts. That's trying to help me. And I'm going to jail today. Did you mean if you have the money in an account that can transfer from Venmo, shouldn't you have a way to get it to somebody?

Like what is happening? I don't understand any of what I read. Yeah, I want to be clear. I don't know anything about what I read except for like, you don't punch the guy in the nuts and expect that like everything's going well tonight. Right? Like you're going to have a, he's going to have a bad time. You're going to have a worst time. I guarantee she was four or five jello shots in her. Her server was a kindergartener, so that makes sense. It starts from the Post and Courier in Spartanburg.

A nudist resort sits in a rural corner of the upstate. Its naked 5k offers you a glimpse inside. I'm sorry. That's a young man's game. That's all I'm saying. Cause any man who's older, your nuts are going to be flopping around so hard when you're running a 5k if they're just hanging out in the world. You, that you think that guy had a hard time getting punched in the balls.

You're going to punch yourself in the balls with your own thighs for the entire fucking run every step. own thighs every step the entire fucking run every step. I can't think in my mind of a less. Appeal visually appealing event than a naked 5K really genuinely like everybody's body looks absurd when it's running and naked. And everything bounces around the parts you bounce, the parts you don't like bounce. Everything is just fucking flopping and jiggling about. That is the least sexy thing I can imagine.

As a guy who's run quite a bit, let me tell you, the real aim of clothing when it comes to running is making sure that you don't chafe, right? So, chafing is huge. That's one of the worst things, is chafing. So, you wear shit to make sure you don't chafe. At least I do. You could also put, like, fucking goop on yourself to, like, protect yourself from chafing. But now you gotta put it on your balls, too, because you gotta, like, on your balls and then on your thighs. Most of the time, the clothing you're wearing

is, like, restrictive in some ways to stop that from bouncing around. Like women for sure are gonna wear a sports bra when they run. Dude, the only... I can't even imagine a naked 5k where you're not greased up. Like I would oil myself up like I was... You're covered. Yeah. Just top to bottom. You're covered in that chafe, in that non-chafing shit.

I would, I would coat myself in a fucking gallon of Vaseline. Yeah, like you're cracking eggs on your head before you run through or whatever. It gets insane. Like the idea of this, I can't even imagine, dude, I can't even imagine a naked hundred yard dash, let alone a 5K. Like I know in my head, intellectually I know that like there had to be periods in time where people were mostly naked. Probably just part of the world, probably where people are very much naked or close

to naked and they're running around doing stuff, right? And they're chasing fucking bears or whatever it is. I get that. I do. I know that intellectually, but I also am like, yeah, but they don't live like regular, Western fucking pampered lives. My nuts are pampered, man. My nuts have been coddled for 47 years.

They've been treated just so. I don't have fucking immune nuts. My entire life I've been feeding this thing. It's chubby. Yes. It's big. I'm gonna have things that overhang Yeah, like I'm gonna have a lot of different overhangs So those things are gonna bounce in shape and I'm a pretty normal guy

so a lot of these people like you got to be I think what you are is like one of those people who like Constantly runs and you like you look like somebody who constantly runs and that's so like maybe it would be a lot easier if I was a lot thinner But I'll tell you what this the older you get the lower they sag Yeah, man, so those things that's like you're basically just you fucking speed bag your own Like why would you do that? Dude, yeah, if you're like if you're like a like a chesty lady, that just sounds horrible. You knock yourself out. Just fucking whack. You're gonna whack your neighbor behind you.

You kidding me? Jesus. You'll see stars. All right, that's going to wrap it up for our show this week. We'll be back on Monday with a full show and we're gonna leave you like we always do with the Skeptic Scream. Credulity is not a virtue.

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