Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 855: An Embarrassingly Small Amount of Ice Cream

Episode Date: July 24, 2025

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond. This is cognitive dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism and irreverence to any topic that makes the news,

makes it big or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. today is Thursday, July 24th, 24th when you're listening to this. Yes, nailed it. We're recording it the same day, but I'm just back from vacation, Tom. I wanted to tell you a story about my landing. The night we came back, I was, uh, we, we left, uh, we, we flew, we had to do a connecting flight.

There's no way to not do a connecting flight from where we left. We left from Stockholm and we had to fly back to Chicago. So there's no direct flights from Stockholm to Chicago. You've just got to decide who you want to take you there. And so I've flown on Icelandair a couple times. It's been sometimes good, sometimes bad, it depends on it. But there was the shortest amount of time in an airport

was Icelandair. So my flight time, my entire flight time with everything was gonna be over 12 hours, like a little over 12 hours. It was only like nine hours in the air, a little more than that I think it was like, yeah, it was like 10 total hours in the air the way they were doing it. But it was like two hour layover at one of the places.

So you get up essentially super early morning, our time, which is like regular time, their time. It's like midnight our time you wake up and then you won't be to sleep until like 8 p.m. the next day, because that's when you land. We were gonna post the line at 8.30. And you know, and we tried to stay awake the whole time. So we're fucking dead tired.

Like Sarah and I are on this flight. We're dead tired. We're watching videos that we downloaded from Hulu. We're like watching a series, like trying to stay awake at a certain point, because much of the series that we're watching is subtitled. It's like half English, but half Japanese. And so there's a lot of subtitles that are going across.

And I'm looking at time, like, I'm gonna fall asleep if I keep watching this, because I'm reading and my brain's like, I'm gonna put you asleep now. You read bitch, it's time to go to bed. So I was like in a rough shape. And then we're, we're getting ready to land in Chicago. We're like an hour away. We're in Michigan. You can see on the flight thing, we're in Michigan and we're flying. And the guy comes over and says there's thunderstorms in Chicago. We cannot land. It's Friday night last Friday There's big thunderstorms that rolled through Chicago and he's like we can't land and there's kind of like a meh like goes through the

Can't land we got to divert to Minnesota He says and everybody's like and I'm like no I'm like if this guy isn't comfortable landing Yeah, man, neither am I my friend wherever you would like to go. Imagine if he said the opposite Hey guys big thunderstorms in Chicago Air traffic control recommends we go to Minneapolis, but I think I could pull this off. I just want to say out loud fuck them Yeah, I think I got it. I'm gonna we're gonna give it. I'm like dude. Do whatever you gotta do like I don't care So he they land in miss Minnesota, Minneapolis airport We stay on the on the tarmac for a full hour and a half.

Oh, you betcha. But they turned the air on. It was a hot day. But they turned the air on. They gave everybody water. And it was fine. It wasn't so bad. It could have been worse.

But it wasn't so bad. You're able to stand up, go to the bathroom, sort of get out of your seat a little bit. I feel like as long as they have the air on, that makes a big difference, too. It was a big difference. It was a big difference. So the electricity was on the whole time.

And so everything was working, et cetera. Then we got back up in the air and we flew. So it was an hour and a half delay. While when I landed, I had to text the guy who's gonna pick me up. So I don't know about you, but I'm a guy who lives far enough away from the airport where an Uber isn't super practical.

It's not super practical for me to get an Uber or a taxi. I live in the opposite direction from where all the taxis go. And so it's not really optimal for me to get an Uber or a taxi. I live in the opposite direction from where all the taxis go. And so it's not really optimal for me to get an Uber there. I have to book. I'm an old guy, got to book a flight. And then I call the guy who gives me a ride to the airport who comes shows up and like they have a whole team of people, but that's like mostly guys I think who do Uber stuff.

They show up and then they take you to the airport and you pay them a set fee Right and then you get out and it's a little it's almost always more than an uber But I don't care cuz I know it's set that guy's gonna be there. Yep. So I got a text while we were landing in Minneapolis Hey, I'm gonna be there What happened to your flight? Cuz like they're looking at my flight number, right? Where the fuck are you? I'm not driving to Minneapolis to pick you up. I sent a message. I'm like,, Hey man, we got diverted. I was like, will you be able to be there? And he said, yeah, no problem. I'll be here.

He's like, he's like, I'll be here. No problem. What time do you think you'll be here? And I said, they're saying it's this much time. I said, I imagine it's probably going to be around this time. And he said, okay, no problem. And it was going to be around 12 45 ish in the morning. Okay.

So we were going to land and we land at 110. Right. So it's pretty good. Yeah. We get out. We have to go through custom. Yeah. We have to go through custom.

We have to go through custom. We have to go through custom. We have to go through custom. We have to go through custom. We have to go through custom. We have to go through custom. 1245-ish in the morning, is when we were gonna land. And we land at 1 10th, right? So it's not too far off. Yeah, pretty good. We get out, we have to go through customs and it takes a while. And then our luggage is one of the last that comes around. We had to check a bag.

And when you connect flights, it's probably better to check a bag anyway. So I checked the bag. And so we get out, we start walking and we get down to where they're supposed to pick you up. Well, I'm standing there and I text the guy and I'm like, hey man, they're coming to pick us up. And there's a bunch of people standing there waiting.

And then this guy just comes walk, because it's after midnight at O'Hare. He comes walking up and he's in one of these vests, like a high visibility vest. And he's like, you guys can't get picked up on this level, but he's got to go up, you got to go upstairs. And we're like, go up where? And he's like, you need to go to departures.

He's like, you need to go up to departures and get picked up He's like you can't get picked up on this level this entire levels closed off We closed it off for road work or whatever like motherfuckers tonight I gotta go three flights of stairs We're already kind of bouncing around trying to figure out where to be and you're texting the guy and you're figuring all fucking nightmare Right, and I'm on at this point no sleep for 26 hours, right? So I'm 26 hours into this pig and I'm fucking I'm an old man. point, no sleep for 26 hours. So I'm 26 hours into this pig, and I'm fucking, I'm an old man Tom.

Dude, how's your mood bro? I'm an old man Tom. Good? I can't function, like my brain is starting to shut down. I'm like, when I was a kid I could stay up for 36 hours and nobody would feel 48 hours. I know you did the same when you were in college, no problem. I can't do that anymore.

My brain won't let me do that anymore. So I'm starting to be like, where the fuck do I need to go? I'm like fucking confused. I'm like trying to go. Yeah man. We get upstairs and the guy says, I'll be there. He's like, I'm in the departures area.

I'll be there in a minute. And I have his license plate or whatever. So he pulls up. It's a black car. I look, I'm like, okay, this is us. I get in the car. I load our shit. The guy comes out. We jump in. And we start to go.

And I was like, oh man, how long have you been waiting? He's like, I just got here. And I was like, what's our address you're taking us to? And he's like, I'm taking you to Lake Zurich. And I was like, no, you're not. I was like, I'm in the wrong fucking car. Are you serious? So what happened was he texted me, it's very late, and this

is my fault. I also found out it's his fault too, because he should have asked and confirmed I'm the right person. But I send him the wrong message. I'm talking to this guy and he tells me his license plates start with L.Y., which is livery, I guess, or whatever it is. And then two numbers and four numbers. Well, this guy had L, Y, but then the same two first numbers, same make and model and color. And your brain just, yeah. But I didn't look at the next two. Right.

Well, the next two were different and that's really important. It turns out. It's a totally different car. So I'm like, fuck, well now there's traffic and it's blocked off and he's gotta go around. So he has to text his person. I got to text.

I'm getting a call from my guy and I'm like, you got to wait for me. I just reached my pocket and I was like, my friend, here's $20. I was like, I'm really sorry I got in your car. I'm very, very sorry. Oh my God. If it would have got to 10 minutes, I was ready to give him another $20. I was like, I'm going to give this guy another 20. I'm like, I thought I wanted to fold myself in half.

I would disappear. And just like feed myself through the seats like I was a printer. You know, like how you just like fold and like brrr. And this would run myself out the back. I felt so mortified, Tom. It was, and I'm in the wrong car for 10 minutes. And the whole time, just like, fuck.

I feel like an asshole. I took this guy out of his route I took my guys got a wait for us But as soon as I got in the cab the taxi for the other or not the taxi but the guy from other He's like oh, yeah, that's that guy's fault. He's like it's not your fault. That's that guy's fault He should have checked who you were he's like that's on him. That's on you and I'm like, thank you. I still paid him 20 bucks Thank you for that I was like, you know, that's very you, and I'm like, I still paid him 20 bucks. I'm like, first of all, thank you for that. I was like, you know, that's very nice of you, but I did pay that guy 20 bucks. Dude, I would have too.

Dude, I don't know, like when I, so, it's so frustrating to you, all that. I was a mess. I was a mess anyway. I just wanted to tell somebody that story. I'll get there with you because like, when I fuck shit up like that, which is, you know, like you, I'm pretty competent and responsible, so it's rare. So when I fuck stuff up like that, which is like you, I'm pretty competent and responsible, so it's rare.

So when I fuck stuff up like that, it's embarrassing as fuck. So embarrassing, right? It's so embarrassing. And then like I'm also hyper aware that like, now I've inconvenienced my wife, so she's probably annoyed too, right? Because like, I'm embarrassed in front of everybody. Yeah, I'm embarrassed.

And I'm the one who picked the cab out, right? Like Sarah's relying on me to do that. She's following your lead. And I'm like, well I fucking fucked up. What do you want from me? But it worked itself out in payroll. Literally payroll. But I was like, I was so mortified Tom.

Because dude the last thing I know you like, and it was the last thing you wanted to do was inconvenience three fucking people. And it was so funny because as soon as we got there I'm like I'm so sorry I get out of the car and there's a lady walking up ready to go. Four people. Yeah ready to go in his car and I was like. Middle of the night. I'm glad I asked though.

Within seconds I asked and it was already too late to turn around. Good for you because I'd ended up in Lake Zurich or whatever. I know me I'd be like tired now in car. Yeah. I'd be in fucking Lake Zurich. Oh it was awful. I was like as soon as he said Lake Zurich I was like nope. I was like like tired now in car. Yeah, I'd be in fucking legs. Oh, it was it was awful I was like as soon as he said like sir, I was like nope I was like that's the wrong car dude, and that's the moon and you're just like yeah It's like it's not close and this guy's guys supposed to go there

Yeah, we can't trade cuz it's not like an uber right where you can just be a company So it's not this a guy's totally different things. It was a mess Oh, that sucks so it was it was 100% one of those moments where you're just like, I don't know what I can do I would like to disappear though, but I would like to jump out of your window. Yeah, man without unrolling that shit. I want a cool eight man out of your car and just run off into the worst It's fucking hilarious. This is what comes from the independent Chinese hotel Told wake up service of red pandas climbing onto guest beds must stop.

Would you go there, Tom? Yes. Would you? Dude, red pandas are the, first of all, here's the- I'm sorry, I don't know. A red panda is the cutest fucking animal. It's a cute animal, but it's- In the world. But it's like, that's not like a fucking like house animal though.

I don't care. And I want to say, all right, Buzzy McBuzzkill, I know this is a wild animal. I think they're probably endangered. This is ecologically a fucking mess. And I might get bitten by one. I know all of that's true. Yeah, dude, I'm like, this guy's like lurking upstairs

with apples, and I'm just like, dude, I's like learning upstairs with apples and I'm just like dude I just don't want it to think I'm the apple. Okay, I care about it I want now is what hotel is doing this? Look there are places where there's no rules right gonna do what I didn't be like, here's a 20 Patrons new goal help me out until I can cuddle a red panda help Tom get a bread panda They are so I don't even believe they're real I've like done so cute have you ever done any of these like Animal encounters where you get an opportunity to be around because Sarah did one when we were downtown down in Australia so did we yeah, and it was sugar gliders okayiders and like a couple of other animals that she got to

pet like a Joey and like things like that and she really enjoyed it. She thought it was great. And I was just like, yeah, it's just, I'm like, I'm good. Oh, I love that show. I'm like, when she's like, you want to hold it? I was like, no, I'm like, I'm all right. I'm like, she's like, well, you know, you can hold it if you want. I was like, that's fine. I was like, she can have my time. I'm like, I don't need to hold the little rat thing. I'm like, I'm good. I don't need to hold it I'm still like a nine-year-old boy when that comes to that stuff

So Haley and I when we were in Australia, we took this with the coolest thing that we did when we were there We were in Cairns. We took this like train up to the top of the Cairns Cairns Cairns Is that how you say it? Cairns We were in Cairns Say it as wrong as possible so we get as much message as possible. We took this like, just unbelievably cool train up to the top of this mountain

and they told you all kinds of cool facts, you know? So I love that shit. Yeah, I love that too. I love that too. So like, and then we get to the top of this mountain and there's like a village up there and we walk around this village and then there's like a place where you could like

stand in a really long line in the heat in order to like hold a koala bear for a few minutes. Okay, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We wanted to do this because koala bear, right? So like, you know, it's like, like, when are you ever going to see a koala bear up close? Discovered a few important details about koala bears. One, they are not as cute in person as they are in pictures.

They smell whatever, whatever you think the worst smell you've ever smelled in your life is. I didn't even touch it and I could tell it smelled bad. Koala bears, they're so stinky. It genuinely made our eyes water to be near it. Who knew that eucalyptus leaves would do that to us? They are, and then like, so like they, Haley was in front of me.

She was more excited about the koalas than I was. So she was in front of me. She took a turn. She got scratched by the koala. And then it got like all like gross, like the next day or two. Jesus Christ, dude. And then they traded right after she was done.

It's cause the koala had been handled all day or for like a set number of time. And they actually traded it out when it was mine. So it was like getting ants. It's tagged out. Right. And so I got the docile sleepy one. She got the kind of agitated one.

So she had like a kind of a bummer experience. She had the bad koala. They threw that one out and got a fresh one. So they just put it in the koala shredder or whatever they do with them when they're done with the koalas. And then like when you leave that section, which that was a suboptimal animal encounter.

But when you left that section, you got to like go in this this paddock that had wallabies and kangaroos that were just docile and like a dog. And they just come up, and it's not even like when you go to the petting zoo and there's goats and the goats attack you basically for like- Foods.

Chibbly bits or whatever, they feed them. They're just chill like a dog. So they walk up to you, you walk up to them, you pet them, they kind of cuddle into it. They were adorable, man, I loved that. I thought that was great. So yeah, and I made me like, I was like, yeah, I could cuddle a kangaroo.

They do it with dolphins and manta rays and all kinds of crazy shit you can do it with. And there's certain animals that be like, when Sarah and I were on vacation, we had an opportunity, this was the last time we went over to Norway, there was an opportunity to ride sled dogs in the summer. If it was cool enough, there was gonna be

a pulled rolling sled and you could get on with these sled dogs. Well sled dogs, one, are really energetic and two, also really smelly. They smell real, real bad. So there was a dog encounter, but like when we were there, I was like, that dog smells like it ate a bucket of worms.

I'm like, it's the worst smelling dog I've ever smelled. I'm like, I love dogs. I think dogs are amazing, but I'm like, I'm not petting that. No, I'm like that dog, I pet that dog. I will smell like that for four straight days. I'm like, I'm not going to touch that dog. I'm like, that dog's super cute and I will take a photo of it. But that dog smells like the worst.

It smells like someone drained a fucking retention pond and then like slathered that mud on your face. Like it smells so bad. I was like, fuck that. I was like, absolutely not. So I'm, I actually can control myself really easily, but Sarah was like, no, I'll pick it up. And I was like, absolutely not.

I'm like, I'm not taking a photo with it. No, I'm like, I'll take a photo with it when it's there. Right. But it won't take a photo with it when it's right here. Like anything that stinks, I'm immediately like, it's not cute anymore. It's not cute anymore. Like it's not being cute. I wonder what these pandas smell like.

I wonder if they smell like green apples or if they smell like. Yeah, man. If they smell like piss rats or whatever. Like, absolutely not. Like, absolutely not. that's the problem with like Rodent II things and I know red pandas aren't rodents Oh, it's in the email, but like a lot of stuff you like that's fucking cute It's like but it fucking stinks of musk smells both piss and like fucking like cedar shavings or whatever

I thought they're supposed to be really sweet skunks skunks and like raccoons and other things and I knew somebody that had a pet Skunk, but it's D gland D gland it but even still like I was like, yeah, man, that's great and all but I'm good. Yeah I think I don't need any I need any animal adventures. I'm not fucking dr. Doolittle dude. I am I know it's a bad idea I know that in many cases. It's not good for the animals I do but I also just want to say out loud so everyone in the world knows I'll kill a man to cuddle a red cuddle a red panda. They're adorable I love them somebody's gonna tell you what they smell like and then you're gonna change your mind

But what if they smell like green apples? This story is from vice people with swamp crotch Keep setting off TSA alarms what I love about this story is from vice people with swamp crotch keep setting off TSA alarms. What I love about this story is that this is a woman who like, I think she took to Reddit to say like to tell her story. And I thought like you couldn't waterboard out of me. Some things will never. This will be between me and the TSA guy for the rest of our life.

Actually, it was just between me. He'll know me and he'll tell this story. rest of our life. Actually, just between me, he'll know me, and he'll tell this story. But I won't be attached to it. There's no way you could fucking Jeffrey Epstein pushpin me to that shit. No way. No way.

What I wonder is, do I have to squeegee that liquid off and put it in a baggie? And if it's more than three ounces, do I have to put ite that liquid off and put it in a baggie. And if it's more than three ounces, do I have to put it in my check luggage? Oh. Oh. Do you have anything to declare? I declare I stick.

Sir, you gotta put your balls through this old-timey roller device to squeeze the fucking squeegee the juice off of yourself. Yeah, it's funny, cause like evidently, moisture is one of the things that sets this thing off, especially body moisture and stuff. And if you just got a fucking like, you just got a raging swamp crush because you're spending your day fucking completely out of your game, totally stressed. But there's nothing that throws you off your game more than just traveling in general.

Yeah, so you're sweating, you're fucking trying to run through an airport, you're trying to do all this stuff. So, like, I would imagine that there's gotta be more Swamp Crotch than not Swamp Crotch when you're going through those things. I will tell you, when I've traveled, there's no way I'm gonna say, you know what, I've landed fresh as a daisy. A smell like, like, it's not a, like, and I will I will, like I, I sweat like I'm a guy that sweats. I sweat too.

Like I've had the laser treatments on my underarms, not once, not twice, but three times and I still use a prescription deodorant. Like that's just how my body is. I just sweat. Like my body figured out that like I could eliminate all the water. I don't drink in my entire life By sweating and it's trying to kill me through dehydration at all times, dude I get patted down constantly and now I know why well let me tell you Do you want to be the guy who has to reach your hand in there to pat the person?

It's like that scene from Ghostbusters trying to slap the goop off his head. The actoplasm. The actoplasm is on his head and he's shaking it to try to get it off. And then the guy turns and there's that fucking box you gotta walk through and he's just wiping his hand on the box to get rid of it. Amazing.

This story is fucking crazy. This is from ABC7 eyewitness news, hundreds of Amazon packages mistakenly shipped to woman's home for over a year. It's been hell. So what happened in a nutshell is there is a Chinese company selling some like baby seat carrier cover and that's an expensive cover. It's like 130 bucks or something and the company accidentally put her address as the return address.

So everybody who buys this and returns it is shipping it to this poor lady's house instead of back to wherever they were supposed to be shipping it back to and like there's no good system to fix the problem. So this lady is getting hundreds of, they're blocking her fucking driveway. She can't get her car in and out and more shit just keeps appearing. The products got like fucking one star reviews because nobody's returns are getting like delivered as returned. So everyone's like, what the fuck?

I fucking did this thing. I returned it. I'm not getting my refund. I did what you said to do. Right. Because it's her address on there. Yeah. And then they're like, well, it didn't ever show up. And you're like, well, motherfucker, you're the one who put the address on there. And Amazon was basically like, I don't know, donate it to Goodwill. And then Amazon's like, don't worry, it's not going to happen again. And then the next day there'd be like 35 pages. How the? My favorite part of this whole article is this picture.

I actually just asked you guys. So, okay, so I put it on the big screen, but genuinely what they did was this like Fox station or whatever it is, ABC seven station or whatever, walked up and said, hey man, we're going to go in back and get one of these old ass, ass pegs and we're packages. We're going to set it on your steps, and then I want you to forlornly stick your arms out. Like, what is happening in my life? She's gesturing with her two arms out like,

do you see this shit? The universal, do you believe this shit gesture? But it would 100% took it from the back, because you look, it's like covered in water damage. Oh yeah. You're like, you know you got that from for the backyard that didn't show up this morning. Like she's doing this thing You're like, it's an amazingly so photo. I love it. So stage. It's so fucking safe I love to that am up until ABC seven got involved Amazon was basically like not our problem

We're not fixing it donate shit to goodwill then like ABC seven gets involved and Amazon's like we'll pick that shit up. We're really sorry. Be right there as soon as possible. Yeah. As soon as somebody, as soon as somebody with teeth gets involved that can ruin their reputation, they're immediately on it. But if it's just you and them, we're the big boy in the room. What are you going to do about it? Call somebody. Who are you going to call? I was thinking too, like what a bummer. It's not iPads or something. Oh, I know. Right. Like it's a, it's a, it's a very specific, it's a resale market. Yeah, man. If it was like something else. Cause like, if you're going to fuck me over and there's a resale market for it, it'd be like, keep fucking me over. Stupid. I'll quit my job reselling this crap.

Would it be a crime though, if it showed up at your house, delivered to another person at your house, delivered to another person at your house, if you opened. I can tell you that in Illinois, if something gets delivered to you in error, it's yours. Like, so that's how that works. Like the delivery company, I remember looking this up once, the delivery, now it might be different in other places, but the delivery company has a responsibility

to deliver it to the right place. If the delivery company shows up at your door and leaves shit at your house, that's your shit now. That's your shit now. So like, fuck you strong letter to follow. Take up sewing and then sew a really big seat cover. Oh, make a giant quilt of seat covers? So this story comes from CBS News. Two bears escape wildlife park enclosure, devour a seven day supply of honey, then fall asleep.

There's never been a more Winnie the Pooh moment in bear history. If they were only wearing shirts with no pants, no pants, no pants, doing the tummy dance, then you're like, yeah, no, it's a hundred percent Winnie the Pooh at home. If like we're changing our clothes or whatever and like Haley or I is just wearing a shirt with no pants to something like, oh, we need to poo in it. Like, it's just like, that's just what that's called. That's just what that's called. But when you're like, yeah, I fucking love that they get out and they're like,

do you want to go really far? No, I just want to go to the honey and then fall asleep. This is living the dream. You imagine eating, eating a fucking, a whole calendar weeks worth of dessert. Yeah. And then just being like, yeah, and then I napped. I'd be like, dude, you broke out, what'd you do?

That really sounds like every day, actually. I had a week's worth of dessert and took a nap. That's my fucking life now. That's my life now. That's it. Oh, it's amazing. Bears aren't always good news. No, bears aren't good news. This guy should have had seven day supply of honey.

This is also from CBS. Hiker dies after bear knocks him into 2600 foot ravine in Greece. So like, I just hope this happens to the Packers quarterback this year. I just want a bear to knock him into a 2600 foot far ravine. It doesn't matter if it's a Chicago bear either, I don't care. Dude, 2600 feet. I didn't even know there were ravines that are 2600 feet deep. Right? Like that feels like a lot. That feels like Grand Canyon shit.

That feels like a lot. 2600 feet. Is this like, what is it, half a mile down? That's far enough that when you're falling, you're like, I'm still falling. You know you're falling. You're like, this is a half a mile down? That's that's far enough that when you're falling you're like I'm still fault. You know you're fighting like this is actually taking a while I wonder if they did like the princess bride tumbled down the thing the whole way. Oh shit So it wasn't just a straight. I just straight down. It's a ravine. You're just like as you wish Yeah, like Homer Simpson off that cliff in the first Fucking a I didn't even know there were like brown bears in Greece

Evidently so I know I'm learning all kinds of shit about it's full of ravines and bears so the story that's all Greece is actually the story is there was a couple people walking and The bear kind of runs out after one guy he bear sprays it the bear Panics and bounces into another kind and then shoots him down Yeah, I also say like the bear he he sprayed all the bear spray at the bear. And the bear was like, all right, I won't attack you, but I'm going after the other guy. I'm gonna go after somebody else.

Like, holy, everybody in your party should have bear spray. Attacked by a bear or fall down a 2,500 foot range. Oh, fall. You fall? Oh, falling? I feel like falling for the most part is at least you're gonna be unconscious quickly, hopefully. Right, like I've got one dumb head that has to hit one dumb hard thing. Yeah a bear I feel like the bear is not like let me make this quick

Yeah, it could probably just be like I'm gonna start with the amuse-bouche Which is your spleen and then I work my way through other things. Yeah, man Yeah, man, I don't what I definitely don't want to be a multi-course meal Yeah, I got a hundred percent don't want to be a multi-course a thousand percent. I don't even know what to pair with I will be honest. I even a Chianti. It's a nice Chianti almost certainly It's a nice seven days worth of honey It's a pretty sweet meal This is from Yahoo Sports

Trump kept FIFA Club World Cup trophy for himself, leaving champions Chelsea to lift a replica. I, I saw this is like a big, I'm going to put it on the big screen so people can see it. I thought it was just cause, cause I saw him pocket a medal. So what happens is during the ceremony, first Trump won't get off the stage. So eventually they asked him to come on the stage for a second to like lift the thing. And then he just stayed there.

Like he just hung out. Like he just, he didn didn't leave like nobody came in and whisked him away He was like partying with the guys like he just won a thing or whatever But anyway, this trophy is a replica evidently the big one that they're holding I thought it was the little thing in his pocket that they that they had to But he got not only the lid they only gave him a month metal, but it wasn't the metal It was the actual trophy itself that they brought to the White House ahead of time And then they just I don't guess they just never took it or something It's so crazy cuz he says like yeah, it's in the Oval Office now like when they trump song

Why why do you want someone else's trophy man? That's so weird such a weird dude That's such a weird thing to do man like. Like you wanna be, there was a point in my life and I will tell you, I was distressingly old when I realized this. I just kind of came to understand that you can just buy a trophy because of course you can. I could just call a trophy company

and like I remember being like in my mid 20s or something when like I was like, I drove past the place that sells trophies and I was like, oh just buy trophies there and then I was like wait a minute you don't have to earn them like you don't have to like tell the company oh I was first place in this judo cup I could just go. That'd be amazing you have to walk in and you're like yeah I'd like to buy a trophy for a baseball all-star and they'd be like well can you prove that you're an all-star? I need your papers.

Yes there's like a part of me! I need your papers. Yes! There's like a part of me that of course realizes this wasn't true but probably still never... There was a dude back there with a big... One of those... A monocle... Like a jeweler thing. Jeweler glasses in his eyes. Who's inspecting your papers?

Pay all the star paperwork to decide whether or not... He's like, wait a minute. You were put in here because of your... Because of your glove skills. Not because of your bat skills. We can't give you a bat trophy. We can't give you a bat trophy. We have to give you a glove trophy. Cecil, I think I thought that like only like

an accredited organization could buy a trophy. You know, it's a trophy. That's amazing. Like, oh, like I'm here. I represent, I promise I represent the National Baseball Foundation or fucking whatever. You know, like, I don't know. But then I came to realize like anybody could just buy a choice to anybody.

It's anarchy when it comes to and like, I've never won a trophy. Yes, you did. You want to potty. I want a potty. You want to potty. I did. I want to go. We did a live stream.

Yes. Yes. I remember I went, I went to Goodwill. Yeah. Speaking of trophies, you can get them at Goodwill. I went to Goodwill and there was two baseball trophies at Goodwill. So I just taped ping pong balls over the baseballs and made them look like microphones. And I painted the whole thing gold and I called it a potty and gave them out on the air. You won one.

I won one. And then Ian's sexy friend who read our ad won one as well. I remember this Yeah, he won it over Ian too, which was great. Yeah, well Ian deserves nothing It was awesome because Ian lost the potty and Ian was like, okay He knew what was coming too because I had Ian's sexy friend as one of the nominees He's like, okay, I know what you're gonna do. And I was like, you have no idea what I'm gonna do And then I gave it to a sexy friend. He's like I knew what you're gonna do. And I was like, you have no idea what I'm gonna do. And then I gave it to a sexy friend. He's like, I knew what you were gonna do the whole time.

It was amazing. But yeah, you did win a trophy, Tom. I did win a trophy. A single trophy. I did win a trophy. But like, I wouldn't want a trophy I didn't earn. Like, why would you want this if you're Trump? What a weird thing to do.

You probably don't want a trophy that you didn't earn. Unless, now, unless it's like the thing that you do for a living that you did your whole life that was your dream, right? You're a soccer player, so you're gonna go out and like this trophy is the biggest thing in your life, then yes, maybe. But like other than that, no, I don't even think I'd want one in a thing that I was relatively good at that was a hobby. I'd be like, nah, I'm good.

Like what do you fucking have? Like what is Trump doing? Well, like if I have something in my office and it's an award, I want to have done the thing that was awarded. I want to have done the requisite thing to get awarded for it. Otherwise I have someone else's trophy. So amazing that that's something so weird. What's so crazy is so weird.

So crazy though is that he will. He's made up things even that he's that aren't even real Yeah, I won trophies for like Michigan man of the year. Yes. I forgot about that He was Michigan man of the year Michigan was like we don't have a man. I have a man of the year That's weird, dude. Well, we made one This is great this is from patch which is like a local newspaper. They have them all over Jinkies jinkies great dent Duncanville burglary suspect clad in scooby-doo costume You know what we never had happen on scooby-doo is nobody ever took scoobies mask off

Oh, here's what actually happens. What happens is you have a guy who's stealing from like an Who was scooby this whole time? Like zoinks man, empty the register. Hold on, Tom. Can we prove this isn't you? Because I think I've seen you in this costume before. Okay, I've maybe worn a Scooby costume. I've seen Tom in a Scooby costume at one of the many Halloween parties that you've thrown throughout the years. I am pretty sure it's either you or it was another good friend of ours had a Scooby costume. It was our good friend Jen had a Scooby costume. And you tried it on.

You put it on. And now listeners, our friend Jen is, let me do the math, one eighth of my size. She weighs, she's like pushing a hundred. Yeah. I mean like if there's a strong breeze, you have to anchor her to the earth. She is tiny. She's a very small woman. And I am not. No.

And I especially was not at this time. That was great though because you did some really good Homer stuff while you were in it. You were doing like a Homer dance for a while. I love the idea of not just wearing a mask to your robbery, but looking around your house and being like, I'm repurposing some shit. You know? Yeah.

Or you went to like Goodwill and you're like, Hey man, I could probably do this. Yeah. Like I can, everybody could put the pantyhose on, but like, do you think it was an escape van that they got? I'll be on the lookout for a mystery machine. That is a mystery machine. We have a bolo for a mystery machine. There's a tiny, like he brings his kid and he's in a scrappy outfit.

The getaway driver has a fucking orange ascot on and a white shirt. I never would have expected it from Fred. God, I was hitting on Velma the whole time. Unbelievable. I fucking love Scooby-Doo, man. I love Scooby-Doo. I thought it was great. I enjoyed the shit. What cartoons were like staple for you as a kid? Like that you wouldn't miss?

Cause there's two for sure for me was G.I. Joe and Transformers. I would not miss these. Dude, I loved G.I. Joe. I would not miss either of those. I also watched He-Man like crazy when I was a kid too. He-Man, so those were like, I loved Thunder Cats. Thunder Cats was fucking awesome.

Thunder Cats, dope, you're right. I watched the shit out of Thunder Cats. Thunder Cats was awesome. That was fucking great. Andcats dope, you're right. I watched the shit out of Thundercats. Thundercats was awesome. That was fucking great. And then like when I got a little older, there was like the after school cartoons that I liked. I liked DuckTales. DuckTales was dope.

I love DuckTales. DuckTales was dope. That was great. I don't know how we dove into that big pile of money though. Cause that looks like it would hurt. Don't try this at home. I don't think you can dive into coins. Don't try that at home.

Yeah, anyway. I like DuckTales. I liked Darkwing Duck. I don't think you can dive into points. Don't try that at home. Yeah, anyway. I like DuckTales. I liked Darkwing Duck. I also like Darkwing Duck. You like ducks. That was a good show. Yeah. All my friends were into Robotech when I was a kid

and I never watched it. I never watched that. I never watched Robotech. I know it was like a cool thing that a lot of people watched, but I don't remember if I didn't get the channel or it was on cable or something and I didn't get it or something.

I'm not familiar with it. But Robotech was like, it's like an anime, but it was in 30 minute sections and they played it on television. And it was a huge deal for a lot of the kids that went to school that they loved the shit out of it. I remember another one I loved too, was on Saturday mornings,

it was Dungeons and Dragons when I was a kid. Oh, I remember that show. I watched the shit out of that show. I still remember the intro of that show. Yeah, yeah, I watched the shit out of that show when I was a kid. It's funny how much you like, if you like go back and like look at YouTubes of any of that stuff, they were all just commercials for toys.

And they're also so bad. They're all so bad. They're not good. Like I don't think there's... I can't tell you how many times I've been like, oh yeah, I remember that Herkuloids cartoon or whatever. Until you watch, or Thunder of the Barbarian, like I remember Thunder of the Barbarian. You watch it watch or thunder the barbarian like I remember thunder the bar But I don't watch you like this is the worst shit. What is happening? That does just constant going It's so so bad you were such a stupid kid yeah, man No matter what who you were yeah, you were a stupid kid cuz that was it is not entertainment It's not it's garbage

It's what people call brain rot for kids now. It was literally the same. It's the same It's literally the same thing if there's brain there's no it's no difference Now it's a toilet and like a guy screaming out of a toilet or whatever But back then it was just thunder the barbarian with this fucking moonsore or whatever. It doesn't matter It was all garbage like before you were watching a commercial. Yeah. There most of the time you were just watching toy commercials. And you were like, I love this show. Incidentally, I would like the following items for Christmas. I would love to buy a Castle Grayskull.

Right. Yeah. Come the fuck up. You're watching a toy commercial and you thought you weren't. Like now you're watching YouTube shit. And like that's just a different kind of commercial. It's also a different kind of brain. It's the same brain rot. Right. Like it's nothing there. It's the same brain rot right like it's nothing that it's always been brain. Yeah I know we're gonna get messages people like the brain rots different now I don't think so no what's different is your stomach for it has changed. Yeah, and like I get it

I've got four kids. I hate it, but like I'm also look at it I'm like yeah, well fucking you'll grow out of it when I was a fucking in high school There was kids they used to just like do you remember when high school where there would be like a saying that people would just say all the time? So much that was just like the thing? It was nonsense. What was it? Not, you remember that one?

Psych. Psych or not. But there was a kid in my, I don't even know what it meant. He used to just say, he used to scream it all the time. He used to say, buh-deet. He used to say that. And I don't even know what it meant,

but he would say it all the fucking time. He'd scream it for no reason. And it happened all the time. And I'm like, yeah, man, kids say skibbity toilet now. That's the same fucking thing as what the kids screamed when I was in high school. Well, like, at some point kids figure out, like one of the things, like as kids go through like the developmental process of like learning how humor works, one of the things that they learn and seems to have like a long timeline in that developmental process of learning what's funny

is they learn a spot where it's like random unexpected shit that's disconnected, non-sequitur shit, noises, non-sequitur, I like turtles, like that non-sequitur stuff, they learn that piece. And that I think is the hardest piece for like grown ass people to stomach because it's just free of context. And there's just nothing.

And it's so repetitive. And you're like, fucking cut it out. Like stop it, that's not fucking funny. Although I will point it to millennials. Like back before there was a Facebook, there used to be these email message groups we used to be in on. And there was somebody that I remember used to just always sign their messages with like this random random shit at the end. And I'm like, that's not funny. Yeah, like that's

like a millennial thing where they'll just be like turtles and titties. Yep. And you're like, and you're like, what? That's not funny. But a lot of people don't grow out of it. Like, look at like a lot of the reason that like something like Family Guy Hit really hard when it first came out because it would be this you're expecting a sort of like traditional Storytelling, you know sitcom esque structure and they would have these sort of non sequitur asides, right? So they just have like and then and and they would also have the same repetitive thing Happened longer than longer than you expected. And it's like, that stuff is kind of funny.

The first few times you see it. And for some people it's funny. That's funny. It's funny. Always. Yeah. For a lot of, for other people, you're just like, yeah, I got that. Like it's a structurally the same thing and I'm bored of it.

This from the independent White House duped by April Fool's tweet about in and out ingredient changes. Yeah. They said that they were good like in and out put it on a tweet that literally the second part of the tweet and also the same day, by the way, I will point out literally the reply to it. Not even like there's anything in between it. It looks like what is it?

What does it say? What time in and out burgers saying it's official in and out will be Transitioning to 100% pure beef tallow the change is set to become effective 5 1 2025 at all in and out locations then literally an hour later Yeah, it says before this gets out of hand April fools. Yeah, and then the fucking administration a couple days ago. Yeah The fucking administration a couple days ago congratulated them for changing to beef tail. So fucking embarrassing. These people have no...

I can't imagine if something like this happened during the Biden administration. It's so funny that all these bad things can... All these really stupid... Not bad. It's not bad. There's nothing to it, but it's stupid. It is so stupid. It's just you being a stupid person and having a stupid administration

and there's never anything about it. You're just like, yeah, well, they just fucked up and we expect them to fuck up. Why? There's no standard. Like this is, the thing is with something like this is there is no interest in saying true things. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't make any difference.

And like Steak and Shake did actually transition to Beef Tallow and they've got billboards all over the place saying don't go to steak and shake don't go to sit like they basically have billboards saying don't go to steak and shake steak and shake steak and shake 100% is like Trump supporting so don't go there don't and that's why they did it so and now they have billboards that basically have to bag people to come there right yeah first of all steak and shake was always gross steak and shake is disgusting so it was always always always bad I don't is disgusting. It was always a bad place to eat.

I don't care how much beef tallow you put on anything there. It's never going to be good. It was always one of those restaurants for me that I was like, is this owned by the mob? Who's going here? How are you in business? What I always wondered was like, it's always one of those weird places where it's like, it's a burger place, but I got to sit down.

Yes. Like you only have six things on the menu, but I got to sit here and wait for somebody to come to me? I'm getting a burger that is no better than anything I can get through a drive-thru. Genuinely not better. Genuinely not better. It's always, in fact, it's a worse burger. Which would you rather have? A Culver's burger?

One thing I was, no, like I've only eaten there twice. I've only, got it, I want to say it was like maybe, you know, 25 years ago that I ate there. But I eaten there twice. I've only got it. I want to say it was like maybe 25 years ago that I ate there, but I ate there twice. And each time I ate there, I was like, is there meat on this? I was blown away. I was like, is there actually, like, I don't taste any meat. Like what is happening? How am I still in business?

I don't know. It's like the vitamin shoppy. Like how is that place in business? What are you selling there? That's why I'm like, is this like, is this a money laundering place or something? Where you're like, come on here, Mattress Story, that's as big as a fucking, as a goddamn airport. Cecil. How are you, you're not set, there's no one in here ever.

There's no one there. How are you paying the rent? How do you keep the lights? I would tell you a mattress story real quick. In Naperville, Illinois, I'm not even exaggerating when I say that on the busiest north-south road in Naperville, Illinois, which is about 145,000 people, it's a pretty big town, right? The biggest north-south corridor is Route 59. On Route 59 in Naperville, there is literally a mattress firm

across the street from mattress firm. It's just so you can go to one. Dueling firms. Yeah, that's amazing. It's so weird. How are they both in business, Cecil? How?

Do you think if one of them is like out there like, hey, can I borrow a cup of mattress? I, part of me hopes that like a brother owns one and another brother owns the other. And there's like a sibling rivalry. What if it's like two rival families and there's a star crossed love that happens. Like a Capulet and Montague situation with the mattress firms. People are fucking dying in the street.

You come up and you're like, I'd like to buy a mattress, Tybalt. This story is from the AP. Could you eat this much ice cream? That's a stupid question. See, so thank you. That's a stupid question. How dare you?

That's a stupid question. Go on, Tom. Like, the answer is yes without having to finish. Could you eat this much ice cream after walking 1,100 miles? Some Appalachian trail hikers try. Okay, I want to put this embarrassingly small amount much ice cream after walking 1100 miles? Some Appalachian trail hikers try. Okay, I want to put this embarrassingly small amount of ice cream up on screen. Could I eat this ice cream?

It was a half gallon. That's four pints of ice cream. I'm not saying that I would regularly polish off a half gallon, but I am saying there's probably not a limit to the amount of ice cream that I could eat. I don't understand the idea. I only stop because it's a pint. I only stop because it's gone You stop because your spoon scrapes at the bottom and there's no more ice cream in here. I'm done now Yeah, but if there was a half gallon there would still be ice cream in there

The one thing I'd be worried about the half gallon is is it would all be melty by the time I'd finish it Yeah, I would worry that I would want more and embarrass myself That's what I would worry about. Tom shows up and he's like, how many half-calons you got back there? Right! I walked really far. If you... Well, I say this, but like a surprise, like I...

When I did the the only thing like I've ever done that's been like an endurance sport type thing is I did a Century bike ride. So it's a hundred mile bike ride. You also ran around Chicago with a backpack on. Oh, I did that go-rock thing. I forgot about that. a century bike ride, so it's a 100 mile bike ride. You also ran around Chicago with a backpack on. Oh, I did that go-ruck thing, I forgot about that. Yeah, I did that stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid go-ruck thing that I hated so much. I did the Tough Mudder.

Yeah, you did a Tough Mudder. Yeah, I did the Tough Mudder. After. And I've run a bunch of races, but not anything like, like really, really long, only an hour at the most, so. After my century ride, I expected, because you blow through an enormous amount of cowards, I expected to be incredibly hungry an enormous amount of calories I expected

to be incredibly hungry you fuel while you do these things like a little bit here a little bit there but you can't eat a lot or you'll get sick and you're just really just trying to keep your glycogen levels up to a certain place and to plead them and up and down yeah but like I expected I couldn't eat afterwards like I tried afterwards to eat because I knew I was going to need to I just blown through a lot of calories and I had to drive home from Michigan that day. And I felt weird and like, like the idea of eating was just intensely unappealing. I look at this and I'm like, but that's ice cream. Also, I could eat ice cream. I also feel like too this, that's very different than what they're doing. They're walking. They're walking.

I don't disagree that hiking is different than walking, but I also think that riding a bike at a level of intensity for a long time straight is different than just walking through. I mean, and maybe I'm wrong. And they didn't go 1,100 miles in one day. They did. They just like, that's the length of the trail. They walked a little bit that day.

Yeah, right. I don't feel like it's that different. I also, this is also something you wanted to do, right? I wanted to do the Appalachian Trail. I did. I always, here's the thing. I have a vision. I've realized this as I've gotten older.

I have a fantasy version of myself that isn't real and has never been real. And at 47, I recognize it will never be real. And in that fantasy version of myself, I am the kind of person that hikes the Appalachian Trail. I don't think this is something I could do. I would get lonely. I am not a person who actually handles lengths of solitude like this.

This is a six month thing. Well, I would not do well. I know like emotionally, psychologically, this would be bad for me. Could I could do something like this if I had a couple of friends that were, I was close to that were also doing it. But like the fantasy version of Tom

that is very interested in this kind of like deep self-reliance, woodsmanship, all the kinds of things that are part of this, like that's not really who I am. And if it was who I am, I would have done it. I wonder like what, I wonder what's different than maybe a two or three day walk. Yeah. Right. Like to me, like it's like, if you could do like, let's say I could walk between two towns that are like 20 miles away and it takes me two

or three days or something. I don't know how long that takes. I'm to be honest, I have no idea because I don't, I don't hike. But let's just say it takes me two days. And maybe that's slow, I don't know. Let's say it takes me two days. I think it depends on the terrain, right? Well, let's say it's 100 miles and I walked and took 10 days or something. How is that materially different than six months?

I understand it is, but I also understand how different is it? Like what degree difference? And I'm sure there's people who have done some of these things. Because in fact, we covered the Barkley races on Citation Needed and people who have tried it contacted us. I know, I thought that was incredible.

So it's insane that there's people who like, you know, like this podcast and the other podcasts reach enough people where there's enough of a subset where you're like, there might've been not just one, but multiple people who have done this. You have to be a certain type of person. And again, I used to think that I wanted to be or fantasize that I was this kind of person for whom like, it's not just an endurance thing, but it's like, it's a solitude. It's a length of time. It's gotta be something there. And like, I think you just have to want to be alone

like that. And I just don't want that. Like one of the things that was said in this article, somebody said like, you basically are unplugging from life for a half a year. And I'm like, I don't want to. I don't want to. Yeah, and I, again, I used to have this like fantasy version

of myself that was incredibly self-reliant like this. And I recognize like, I actually will call you and be like, Hey man, can you come over and help me do plumbing? I'd rather have the company. Yeah. I will say though, you are starting to lure me in with the ice cream. All right. So that's going to wrap it up for our funny show this week. We'll be back on Monday with a full show, but we're going to leave it like we always do with the Skeptics Creed. Credulity is not a virtue.

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