Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 882: Right Wing Chatbots and Vulgarity for Charity 2025

Episode Date: December 1, 2025

Right-Wing Chatbots Turbocharge America's Political and Cultural Wars - The New York Times Palantir CEO Says a Surveillance State Is Preferable to China Winning the AI Race Vulgarity for charity returns! Thanks to everyone who donated!

This episode of Cognitive Dissinence is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Reporting live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond. This is Cognitive Dissence. Every episode we blasts anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes

the news makes it big or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome Matt, but there is vulgarity for charity, Cecil. Yeah, we're going to do a vulgarity for charity segment later on. Vulgarity for charity has wrapped up. Ian, what's the total? The total is $100,000. So we're excited that Vulgarity for charity happened. We were happy that we could have helped recovering from religion and we're going to do a segment on Vulgaria for Charity with the Roses at the end of the show.

I will point out to the YouTube users we did not get video of that segment because we had on five people it's hard to get video for that stream it's just difficult so there won't be any video during that segment. It'll just be audio but there will be video

for the other parts of this show. Hey, there's a bubble. How do you know? Trust me. Call Venet by 50 millions of swaps on the MBS. What do we got? Garibaldi for Triple B. Mark, you sure?

Yeah. Yeah, it's time to call bullshit. Bullshit on what? Every fucking thing. All right, so let's talk about this a story from Gizmodo first, because I want to read most of it because it's fucking great. Palantir CEO says a surveillance state is preferable to China winning the AI race. Subheadline. The subheadline is the greatest thing.

He also had strong opinions about people's God-Givism. writes to eat a hot dog and flirt with someone who isn't their spouse. I'm just going to read this straight through because it's fucking delicious. Palantir's CEO, Alex Carp, talks so much you think he just likes the sound of his own voice, though you wonder if he actually hears what he's saying. The subject of the recently published Michael Steinberger book, The Philosopher in the Valley, popped onto the Axio show this week to talk about all kinds of things, in part because it seems like the wheels in his brain turned faster than his mouth can get the

words out. but it's some of his clearly prepared and repeated lines that are the most eye roll inducing. For instance, when asked by Axios' Mike Allen, what the hell is Palantir? Karp answered, we are growing the GDP of the U.S. We are the part of the GDP of the AI economy where things are useful. Okay. That is the description of a company for sure. It is. Absolutely. Nicely done.

Carp's been hammering the GDP thing lately, considering he brought it up during his appearance on CNBC's squack box earlier this week. There, in a bit of rambling response to Michael Burry's decision to short Palantir, CARP suggested that investors should get on board with this company because, quote, most of the GDP growth in this country is because of AI. He's not wrong, but he also seems to view that as a good thing, that AI is inevitable and essential, and everyone should just get on board, rather than there being any chance we're currently in the middle of a speculative gold rush

that is artificially inflating economic growth metrics and will inevitably bottom out. Which is at this point, there is some signs that it is maybe starting to do that because people are starting to pull their money out of it. Yeah. Well, it's not a good sign when people ask the CEO of an AI company, hey, how does your company company? And they're just like, I company like companies. Money comes in and then we're like, yay. Okay. What?

I don't. Do you have a service that you? No, we have these things. Have you ever seen a New Year's Eve where you blow the thing and it makes a sound and the thing comes out? We have a lot of those. And so it's like a whole thing. It's like a little... Beow!

It's essentially a zoo with a little punching thing on the end of it. That's what it is. And that's our company. That's what we do. I'd like to repeat. I don't know if you've read our mission statement. It says data center, data center, venture capital, yay. And that's our mission statement.

Also, we added this year, Ching, Qing to it. And also subheadline for our mission statement is, says short profits are still profits. So that's great. And also it said, fuck yo data. It's hard not to read Carb's view of his own company as essential to the government, to the world, to pretty much everyone, which has become something of a theme from AI company executives as of late.

And there's no denying he's a very dedicated hype man for his company. On CNBC, he called it one of the greatest businesses in the world and says it is doing a noble task. On Axios, he chose a slightly different dialect to express that, calling Palantier, quote, the most baller, interesting company on the planet with a baller product and a baller culture. And we got fucking foosball tables in the conference room, dude. And beanbags. We don't have meetings. We have rap sessions. We turn our chairs around when we turn our chairs around when we turn.

talk. I want to do a sketch where they have no office chairs in the conference room, but a regular-sized table and beanbags. So they can't see each other. They're all just sitting and they're all leaning back really far and they have to yell to the room to communicate. That's what I want to do is sketch with that. At his core, he seems to feel the Palantir not only can be key to maintaining American exceptionalism, but that it has to be. In his letter to investors after and the company's third quarter earnings were released. He evoked poet William Butler Yates' famous poem The Second Coming, in which he wrote, things fall apart, the center cannot hold.

What? Carps riff on the poem was, yeah, that's not a good thing. Carps' riff on the poem was this. Today, America is the center and it must hold. He went on to argue it is and was a mistake to casually proclaim the equality of all cultures and cultural value. Let nobody's done that. Yeah.

As a reminder, this is supposed to be the head of a software company and not a nationalistic political leader. Dude, what America do you live in where you think we think we adopted other cultures? Like, what are you talking about? That is not the actual case. There's literally across the world right now. Multiculturalism is being ground under heel in every country. dude like the idea of like the melting pot and multiculturalism and all and like you know give us your poor you're tired your huddled masses that's just being erased from our textbooks literally

it's actually being deleted from that we are not learning that we're actually saying you're not allowed to learn that and he's like yeah well we shouldn't anyway this this reminds me of so many people on the right who will say an obvious thing that isn't happening so that then they can say like that that we're fixing it. Like they'll say some like for instance open borders. They'll say we have open borders. We have open borders. We've got to close the open borders. And then you're just like that's not true. Literally not true. It's never been true. But they want to make it seem like it's true because then that gives them a problem that they can solve by doing nothing because they're already closed. It's already done. Yeah. Yeah. See,

so I got to put out again. I got to put out the fire in my house. Well, there's no fire here. Well, done and done. Hold on. Where there's no smoke. Yeah. To that end, when Karp was asked by Alan to go dark and talk about what could go wrong with AI, he didn't really get to the downside. Here's his quote on it.

It could go wrong in lots of ways. But again, there I would say we need to absorb a lot of risk because it is either going to go right and wrong for us or it's going to go right and wrong for China. Asked again, more specifically this time, how AI could impact people. He just can't get there. Quote, no decisions without risk. and the risk we have to absorb here is going long on this because we're not doing this in a vacuum. We're going to be the dominant player or China's going to be the dominant player.

And there will just be very different rules depending on who wins, he said. So when people are worried about surveillance, of course there are huge dangers there. But you know, you'll have far fewer rights if America's not in the need. So let us take your rights. I'm going to let those. If we let those people run all over our rights, then I won't have the opportunity to do it. Yeah, right. Look, say this in a way that the right can understand.

Hey, if I don't take your guns, I'll only take half your guns. But China, China would take all of your guns. All your guns. Yeah. Right? And it's not like everybody's going to line up to give away their fucking guns. Amazing. They would be like, well, I don't want any of my guns taken away.

Why don't want to build any surveillance state we should say out loud? Basically, we might completely destroy our economy, our culture, our sense. of privacy and individuality and our sense of pride in contributing to our communities, but we'll be damned if we let anyone else do it to us. As a side note, Carp seems to think most people's concerned with surveillance is that they're going to get caught cheating for some reason. For instance, when giving an example of what he thinks is a valid, skeptical question to ask about what Palantir is doing, he said, is this product being used to take away my

right to go have a hot dog with a coworker I'm flirting with while being married? What? Which honestly, I think is the God-given right of people in this country. he later brings us up again, saying that most surveillance technology isn't determining, quote, am I shagging too many people on the side and lying to my partner? Your guess is as good as any as to what that is all about. It's amazing. I hope that here's what I hope.

I just hope that it's very food specific. Like he's going to surveil the shit out of you if you're sharing a crab roll or whatever. I know, right. Yeah. I hope that the sexual acts that you perform are directly tied to whatever. foods that you're being surveilled eating, right? So it's like, yeah, are we doing regular like PIV stuff? That's a hot dog.

Right? Like, that's hot dog level. But like, like, I feel like like a Chicago roast beef. Like that's, I mean, that's probably anal. Like that's, you know, or maybe it's a, it's a threesome. I don't know. It's a very good sandwich is awesome. Definitely dive your face in sloppy.

That's for sure. It served wet for a reason. Here's what I would suggest. While you eat this food with this person, you should slide it through a glory hole. so you should be feeding them crab rangoon through the glory hole. Yeah. Just don't touch the sides.

I don't think it's sanitary. It's like dick operation. Like when you're trying to get it through there, you don't want to like... You do not want the dipping sauce. No. Anyway, when carp does finally get to the idea of existential risk brought about

by the proliferation of AI, he says the primary risk is social instability. Hmm. Prest into describing, what forms that might take. Karp describes pretty crazy populist movements that obviously make no sense like the government is going to run grocery stores.

So here are your two paths. You can choose the one where AI is integrated into every part of your life, get forced into increasingly narrow pathways for your education and work, and accept an all-seeing surveillance state as a trade-off for safety from an unseen enemy. Or you can have your local government

address affordability problems by opening grocery stores and food, deserts and selling goods at wholesale prices. Tough call, but it's clear what carp has picked. It happens to be the one that he profits from. Go figure. These people These guys are in charge, man.

Well, and here's what I think is I think that they are probably smart enough to raid the shit out of our economy, but not smart enough to tell you they're doing it. Yeah. I think maybe, here's what I worry about. I worry that what they've figured

out is that, because I think we used to live in a world where people felt compelled to answer a question that was posed to them. And I think we've built a world now where there's not even a compulsion to even attempt to think about the necessity of perhaps probably doing that maybe on a Thursday with a strong down. We don't care at all. So like these guys are now like, well, what's your business model? Fuck you. That's my business model.

He could have dropped child. and shit on the desk and it would have been the same kind of answer. Yes. It would have been the same answer. You're like, oh, that's nothing. Okay. It's just something that smells funny.

Well, like, here's a true sentence. These people are literally building their companies and naming them after evil surveillance tools used by the bad guys in Lord of the Rings. Yep. And then when they're like, hey, this seems dangerous. they're just like, eh, fucking shrug.

And then we're just like, hey, like maybe the 95% of the current growth in our GDP shouldn't be tied to a single speculative tech sector. They're just like, yeah, I don't know, man, I'll make a lot of money. And then you're just like, well, I can't even, what am I in? I don't know what's happening anymore. I want. This is so crazy. Them to answer questions by steepling their fingers and laughing maniacally.

That's what I want. I don't want him to answer any more questions. I just want like that maniacal laugh like that. And they're like, you didn't answer the question. That's what I want. That's what I want. If you were a billionaire, would you not feel compelled to have a metal arm

and rub a cat in front of a series of computers and a volcano layer? I feel like if you're a billionaire, you just have like a series of hunger games every few weeks. I feel like there's nothing stopping you. And you know what I would call them? The Hunger Games. I would just call it the Hunger.

I would be like, fuck you. That's what we're calling it. Welcome to the fucking first annual Hunger Games. Fuck you. Yeah. And people would celebrate it. They'd be like, wow, this is amazing. This doesn't remind me anything of dystopian literature.

Yeah, I know. We're going to rename this handful of states district one, and these are District 2. We'll just do it out. And people will be like, I mean, we did say Palantir was in charge of us. So it's cool. It's totally cool. This one go like this. Conservative Christian, right-wing Republican, straight white American male.

Gay bashing, black fearing, war fighting, tree killing, regional leaders of sale. shirt tucking frat house and kick tap and back slap and hater of hippies like me tree hugging peace loving pot smoking porn watching lazy ass hippies like me All right-wing chapbots turbo charge america's political and cultural wars this is again from the new york times which i would call the article up but it's impossible probably because right-wing chatbots have eaten it in some way because they're just destroying it. Yesterday there was some problems with the internet too.

And I wonder, Tom, you know, you were saying you were trying to find stuff ways in which you could use AI for work. And you were saying the reason why you couldn't use it was very specifically because it would just fail. It wouldn't do a good job. So you're like, I can't put that kind of error into my work. I just can't do it. We need to be more, we need to be better than that.

And I wonder if we're just going to have to be okay with it being shitty from now on. because I don't feel like they're ever going to fix it in a way that it will be good. And I think that what they'll do is do expedient. And I think people will just be, we're just going to move into a future where, and we're going to talk about it in this story how the chatbots are bad at what they do, right? They're bad and not only bad, they're badly programmed and put on the wrong literature and also then given parameters that are bad.

So there's all kinds, we're stacking bad on bad with these chat dots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I wonder if we're also just going to be okay with just, hey, you know what? It's just not going to work right all the time. And that's just how what's going to have to happen. Dude, I was having the same conversation. I was literally having this conversation with my wife the other day because, you know, she is a little more optimistic. She's like, look, if it gets bad enough, people will stop, you know, using it. People will rebel against it. Consumers will go somewhere else. And I'm like, no, it's not. I just don't think the economics

tell me the same thing. What I think is that if I'm a company and I can take in, let's say I alienate a certain number of people. Let's say I alienate 15% of my consumer base, my customer base, or 20% of my customer base, but I can reduce my personnel cost by 60%. That math probably shakes out. Yeah. Right. So if I can do less, if I can do a worse job and I know that I'm going to lose some business because of it, but my expenses decrease more than my revenue loss, my profits go up. I'm obligated by my obligation to the company's bottom line to try to do that. It's the Ford Pinto problem, right? If it is more expensive to fix the problem than to simply pay out when these fucking things explode,

then economically it doesn't make any sense to fix the problem. And I do think that these AI tools, that's what they're doing, right? They're not good, but they're good enough to cover the costs. And that's all they, that's the low bar that they have to hit. you know, the other like thing that I worry about. And again, like I was having this conversation with my wife just the other day is like, I was like, you know, this is going to drive an enormous amount of entry level jobs. They're just going to be gone. Yeah. Entry level jobs are just going to fucking disappear. And that's going to make it real hard for people to move from the entry

level to the mid level to the top tier jobs, right? Because usually you work your way up and build experience and expertise within an industry. And that's how you, that works. And like there's real problems with AI sort of just consuming all of that bottom level work and not leaving anything for people to get out of college or whatever and start doing. And she's like, well, but the whole economy would fall apart if we did that. And I was like, yeah, but we're still going to do it. Because, and this is important, there's nobody driving. There's no person or persons in charge to say, here's how we build a functioning society. There's just a whole lot of individual companies who are required by economic pressure

to make a choice for Q3 on how they increase their profits and reduce their costs. But the problem is like those series of selfish decisions will aggregate into a society that economically can't self-sustain. Because nobody's in charge.

And there's no market correction, right? There's no... Yeah. The market correction is always towards profit. So if the market correction is always towards profit, then there's never ever going to be any business pressure to change what you're doing

that doesn't increase the profits. It's just not going to happen. And I feel the same way. I think it's sad that that's how things are moving forward. But I think we are going to be moving forward into a fumble fuck AI moment in our history. If the bubble crashes, who knows what happens, right? Who knows what happens if the bubble breaks?

But if we move into a future with AI, this article shows you, how bad AI is and how manipulated it is by the data and how and and how it hallucinates, but then also purposefully hallucinates depending on which one you use because it's owned by a far right, like essentially a far right AI company. And that company is a social media company that created this AI to literally give back the answers that will rev this side up over and over and over again. Yeah, there's not just the big AI tools that we think of erroneously as being sort of data neutral, right? So I think a lot of people

think of these big AI tools as being data neutral. They're going to ask it a question, it's going to spit back like some kind of a objective answer that's cumulative of the search product that they do, that they go find online. I, I, I, I, I, actually think that that gives way too much credit to the average person. I think the average person literally doesn't even stop to think at all about how information is gathered and returned to them. And these companies know that. And they also know that we love nothing more as human beings, all of us, me included, to confirm our biases. So if they can build AI machines whose responses match, whose output matches the sort of ideology of your input, which they're doing,

then you're more likely to continue to get your answers from these really, really heavily ideologically weighted places. There are chatbots that these right-wing nut jobs are building, which they're programming into it, they're just programming anti-Semitism right into the fucking works of it. They're programming racist, misogynist answers right into the fucking aeon. architecture. They're building it intentionally to not even try to aim toward objectivity. And I think that that's a really important thing to say out loud because there are so many people who are going to be like, yeah, I looked it up online. And it's like, you didn't. Anytime you got an AI answer,

you didn't look it up. You did not look it up. If you got an AI answer, you didn't look it up. AI is bad at looking things up. It is bad at its aggregating data. It has not got the success rate and the hit rate that you would require to say, I looked this up and here's where I got the answer. You should use AI for like, when you Google stuff, it's like the first thing that you should. You should use it never. That's how often you should use it.

You should literally never use it. It's bad at almost everything and can't be trusted. If you look at it and say, I Googled this and then you read the top line from AI, you essentially did nothing. That's what you did. You essentially did nothing. And these other tools are worse than that, Cecil. Those tools I'm talking about are ones that are at least ostensibly aiming toward

objectivity. Yeah. These other tools are purposefully aiming toward right-wing ideological nut jobbery. Yeah. No, you're not wrong. And I think like when the article to me misses what you just pointed out, which is confirmation bias, they talk about, well, what's going to happen is. is people are going to look to these things as authoritative sources.

And I think they get it wrong because I have been watching Rogan use AI in real time on his show. And what Rogan does is exactly what you describe, which is 100% confirmation bias. What Rogan will do is he will be like, hey, let's call, let's get AI up here. I want to ask it about this. And then it'll ask it. And then he will read what it says. and if it agreed with what he had to say, then he will be like, yeah, okay, well, I was right.

And AI is a supercomputer that knows everything. Or it's wrong because it doesn't agree with what he had to say, and of course AI is going to get that wrong. So they are super. And the worst part is that there's two different messages out there. There's our message which is, hey, don't trust AI. AI's not great. And then there's other people out there who are saying,

it is literally the most powerful way in which you can interact with the internet. And they are taking both those inputs. And then they're choosing which one they want to believe when they want to believe it. So sometimes AI is the most important powerful tool we've ever created. And sometimes it's just a fucking bunch of garbage that gobbled shit up on Reddit and I shouldn't believe it. And they will use the things that they already believed as the, the needle to decide what's right and wrong. Dude, like, you could not be more right about that.

It is the greatest tool. You have to experience an enormous amount of cognitive dissonance, right? But you only have to experience that if you're self-reflective enough to notice what you're doing. And most people aren't because we don't want to be because we're too busy. I want to give like slack where it's due. This is not a blame the consumer moment. I don't want to blame the consumer. It is like we should not have to do all this work to not be grifted.

We are being grifted by people who are trying to hurt us and they're building powerful tools to hurt us. It's not the solution to this problem cannot be at the consumer level. Well, just be a better consumer. That's terrible advice. That's terrible advice every time. It's bad advice to be like, well, if you went, imagine it another circumstance. If I went to the doctor and I said, doctor, I broke my leg.

And he's like, that really sucks. Here's some antibiotics. That will help. He would be doing me a terrible disservice. And it would not be reasonable to say, hey, you should have known that antibiotics were not a good solution to a broken leg. That's on you. No. Even if it's that obvious, and I'm being ridiculous on purpose, even if it's that obvious, it's the doctor.

That's the guy you went to for expertise. These companies are saying, we built an expertise model. We built an answer model. And then they're also saying, but it's not our fault if the answers we give and told you to use and built into your life are wrong. Be better at knowing what you didn't know because you asked the question. Obviously, you didn't know the answer for it. That's terrible. But this idea that we continue to put the onus, this is like, oh, we got to build more digital literacy.

No, no. Stop putting the onus on the consumer. of information. Put the fucking onus on the people who are out there saying, let us build this. Give us your tax subsidies. Give us your tax breaks to put this fucking data center in, you know, that consumes

all the water in the fucking Rio Grande or whatever. Like, stop. Fucking cut it out. Lay the burden of responsibility where the fucking burden of responsibility goes. But we haven't done that yet. Like look at how we've treated social media companies, right? Like

we haven't given them the burden of anything since they've started. They've used our data. They've mined everything they can from us. They monetize our eyeballs. And what happens is we just let them do it. And then they feed us disinformation. And then they're not responsible for any of the bad information that they feed us. So we've already proven that we're not going to do this. That's not something that we're going to do. And then when you look at these chatbots, very specifically, some of these chatbots, they're like, yeah, there's nothing in the world that it should be called anti-Semitic ever. There's nothing in the world that should be called racist ever.

That's in your programming now. So when somebody comes to your fucking terrible site and they type in, hey, this thing seems racist. Is that racist? The thing is literally going to return. I don't care what you type in there. You could type in the worst, most horrible racist shit you heard today. It doesn't matter.

It will still say it's not racist because it's literally programmed not to. And these people don't let other people know that that's what they fucking. did. They had to jail break this thing in order to figure out what the fucking parameters were. It was giving you its answers for. They are literally programming it to lie to you, to manipulate your very specific worldview into their worldview using their product. This is fucking downright evil, man. There's nothing other than you can't call it anything else. Can't be like, well, that was a mistake. They didn't trip and make that happen. Like they fucking purposely made it happen. Yes, yes. These guys, again, like, they're telling us who they are.

I just got to say it again. Like, Palantir is like, we named our company after an evil fucking all-seeing eye thing. We are telling you that we are dystopian masters of the universe. And you're just going to let us do it. So sure, these companies are bad. Grock is terrible. Nobody should fucking, nobody should use any of this stuff. Even the, like I said, even the, even the sort of.

of ostensibly less subjectively evil ones are bad. Yeah. Like, if they can't get that right, think about all the fucking, like, right wing fucking Nick Fentez-Groiper startup, evil shit that's out there, man.

It's fucking, it'd be like, oh, I'm going to go, I'm going to ask fucking chat GPT. There's going to be like, oh, I'm going to ask fucking Pepe the Frog. There's going to be a fucking Pepe the Frog AI fucking thing, man. And you know what is also going to power this? is there is going to be money that's going to be shoved into these right-wing AI hands by

governments that want this thing to happen in the United States, right? So other powers in the world will give money to this. We've seen it happen literally with Russian propaganda and podcasters. So we know it can happen. We know that they are willing to spend not just a little bit of money either. They're willing to spend a whole shit ton of money. So don't tell me that they're not willing to spend money on this. This is fucking genius.

They would fucking spend money on this all day. So these people are motivated monetarily to do this to you. Yep. Yeah. This is an intentional hurting of our society. And we're going to let it happen. We're going to fucking ride this. We're going to ride it into the ground.

You absolutely are 100%. Like this is the most comical, stupid way for society to fucking turn in on itself and eat its own ass like an overbook. We are shutting our own dicks in the car door right now. It's fucking ridiculous. Welcome back to this year's installment of Vulgarity for charity. We're so happy this year to be helping raise money for the recovering from Religion Foundation. We're going to start this year's roasts on Cogdis with the most famous roasters this side of the chicken aisle,

Heath, Noah, and Eli. I brought the herb if somebody else has the spices. And I'm actually a couple aisles over with the textured soy protein. but you guys are going to love it, I promise. No, we're not. We're just going to finish this. Let me know when I go. All right, so let's get this started

with amazing people who just wanted to donate money and get nothing in return. So thank you to Bree and Tim. And thanks to Ann and Angelo for their donations. Also a big thanks to Maggie and Robin. And of course, a thanks to Vincent and James. And a huge, enormous thank you to Teresa and Carrie Boo for their big donations.

and they didn't ask for anything in return. You all fucking rock. All right. Let's dive in. First up, Torsten would like a roast of people who block sidewalks with the snoot of their vehicle. I love snoot of the vehicle. It's a great topic. That's all I'm calling us.

It's a great topic. Okay. So I'm not sure if Forston saw me parking this way. If they did, Torsten, I want to say your roast request is a hippo violation. And you will be hearing from my lawyer or my mommy. So, first of what you need to understand is us poke parkers, that's what we call ourselves, we have no idea where anything about our car is at any given moment. Oh, oh, the front of my car is on the sidewalk.

Our tire is over the line in the parking lot. Sure, Torsten, if you say so, I have no fucking idea because I'm in the middle of a boat that takes up a truly unfathomable amount of space. And I feel like everyone but me has some kind of fucking psychic connection to their car that prevents them from running into curbs when we pull up to the side of the road. But, Torsten, you didn't give me money for my excuses. You gave me money for a roast. And for that, I refer you to my car insurance rate, Torston. I hope you're happy.

I hope you're happy. All right. Now, Thomas would like Noah to roast my cat Emma, aka Emma the dilemma. Okay, so guys, I know you said that your cat hates other cats. What you might not realize is it's because she's a terrible, terrible cat bigot. Right? You don't know that because you don't speak cat, but you cannot meow with that fucking cat for three minutes without her complaining about barrels or calling calico shifty or saying that Norwegian forest cats are all on welfare. Hell, the whole, fucking whole reason she won't use her litter box is a convoluted anti-cat trans statement.

Cute, yes, which is problematic as fuck people. All right, another pet roast. This one is for Heath. Christopher wants a roast of their cats. Molly and Clive. I like Clive as a name for a cat. Okay, so according to Christopher, Clive is missing his tail from before.

And Molly is missing one eye also from before. And I got to say, they both look like they deserve. It deserved it. We get it. Christopher is what I'm saying. Wink. We get it wink. Or as Molly would say, normal I think. Molly and Clive both seem to believe they have the better disability than the other from the pictures I saw. And they're both like super judgy about the other one's disability being worse, I guess. But Molly's is the funniest. Apparently she always jumps onto Christopher's shoulder and then starts digging in with her claws to hold her balance. But Christopher, I'm pretty sure she's just going for your face and missing because of the eye

because she's off by a little bit. That's a vengeful cat who's going to get one of your eyes one day. Yeah. All right. This one is going to require a voice from the podcast diverse. Aspen wants a roast of Andrew Cuomo. Oh, all right. I'll take this one and I am going to do it as Carl the Pucketkeke.

Okay. Thank you. Andrew Cuomo is a living embodiment of everything wrong with the Democratic Party You're also doing it as Andrew Cuombo So it hurts him more Also he might think this is Curtis Slewa So he wins for everybody

A self-assured dinosaur of politics Less in touch with the people he hopes to rule over than he is with the asses of his assistants and aides Andrew Cuomo lost the common sense policies That all but the most bigoted and abuse Could get on board with But don't worry in spite of his overwhelming loss,

in spite of the wasted millions of the billionaires whose fortune, he promised to protect so their infinite bubble could grow just a little bit larger and thinner. I promise you that Andrew Cuomo has learned absolutely nothing. I like to think a Carl Pacoan with a little beret on right now.

Yeah, exactly. I think Carl's a mom-dime. I don't have it for sure. No, he voted for Slewa. There's no fucking shot. Just Carl and Schumer being like, I'm not saying who I voted for. Exactly, yes.

It doesn't matter. All right. We need someone to tear into Trump voters for Margaret. Okay. What can you say about Trump voters that they would actually understand as an insult? I mean, this is a group of people who cheer when they're called uneducated. They're proud, white nationalist. They embrace being selfish.

They have so little self-esteem. They wore giant bandages on their ear in solidarity when they're not. cult leader, nicked his ear while diving to the ground. When normal people made fun of Trump's tough guy routine because he wears diapers, they literally wore diapers, man. When people called Trump supporters trash,

they wore trash bags. All I can say is that I hope in the future there's like a walls closing in scenario in Trump's life and he has to retreat to some jungle in South America with a bunch of cherry flavor aid and make a very serious. decision. And at that point, Trump supporters, all I can say is that

imitation is the finest form of flattery. Exactly. Hey, Tom, Canoku would like a roast of Stephen P. Father. All right. Well, this one is long, but I thought maybe it would strike a chord with a lot of listeners, which also makes me kind of sad. Stephen is certainly a villain. I'm not, and no one here would dispute that. But one of the things that's so fucking egregious about him

is that he's also such a boring fucking villain. He's just another diet, watered-down box-checking T-Moo fucking discount warehouse store brand boilerplate zombie villain clone, churned out of the machine and set loose into the world, totally unaware that he fundamentally isn't even meaningfully alive. I mean, I know he's breathing and he's hurt people, but he's also just so goddamn Texas textbook dead inside house brand, unseasoned white bread, fucking nothing, that it would be pathetic if it had the strength and courage to be anything at all. But he doesn't, and he isn't. Stephen rhymes with every checked box right-wing infomercial that he's the buy-gold Fox News homeschool,

anti-intellectual, cristofascist, altarnationalist, cultist poster boy. We all grew up thinking that cult members were the guys buying identical Nike's or drinking flavorate in the jungle or handing out flowers in the airport, but we underestimated the scale of this problem, and now we've got all these soulless fucking Stevens whose very lives wouldn't pass the fucking Beckdel test staggering around, hurting people, and as insane as it seems they somehow managed to make it

to our Thanksgiving dinners and share our last names. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to raise yourself, that you had to overcome your father rather than rely on him because he's been so completely and totally consumed by the cult of Americana misogynistic capitalism. that is so profoundly unfair. To be raised not even by wolves,

but by a cookie cutter cut out, by a shadow, by the ghost of a wisp of a shimmering mirage in the shape of a man, and I'm sorry to, because I don't know if the clones or the humans will win in the end, and I'm not placing my bets right now on either side, but for you and for everyone else

who has to stare in wide-eyed wonder at the empty vessel hollow-shelled inhuman, human husks that used to be men and fathers and husbands. I'm fucking sorry. You deserved better. Shorty. I like you showing off your blue color

roots with the flavorade. That's what they used. It was Flavorite. That's what they used at Jonestown. Oh, they used the generic there too. I'm not going to spend that kind of money. She's been out on your suicide. I got 900 people. I hate to see it.

I would never do that. That's go. All right. So this person wants to remain anonymous, but they really want a roast of Sheriff Terry Johnson, Allamance County, North Carolina. Okay. I have never seen anyone look like an adult and a baby like this guy looks. He looks like a gigantic three-month-old. He seriously has the I-just-figured out hands look on his face right now. Like he's going to reach out and grab something and then he won't let go. You know how the kids got to pull it. But if this is going to be a Nazi flag or a copy of mine, right. Next up is a dealer's choice, and that's for Terry. All right.

So my grandma turned 100 years old last week. Yeah. So I'm going to be roasting this old piece of shit. My grandma. No. I went to see her in New York for her 100th birthday, and Delta Airlines tried so fucking hard to make me miss my grandma's 100th birthday. Okay, but really the problem was,

the Republican Party refusing to unpremurder millions of people by making their health care affordable. Jesus Christ. And therefore, the entire government had to stay shut down. And somehow that includes air traffic controllers being forced to work, but not getting paid. Everything about that system is

truly insane. But I'm going to focus on a particular person during my flight home for my roast. The guy sitting next to me farted so fucking badly so many times. I said, I'm sorry. Truly crazy.

Okay, the first one, everyone let it go. You know, like social contract. It was rough, but he got a free one. Then another one, even worse. And at this point, you could hear some grumbling from the people in the area. And then another, even worse again. How much soy protein did he have? It was crazy.

Like, you could hear people trying to do the, you know, breathe through mouth thing. And there's like, just a core. of people just being like, come on, man, come on. And this one was bad enough that multiple people in the area, not just like the chorus of come on, there were a few people who were making that like, and truly, and that noise is like dominoes for some people. So it was like one or two people were like,

and then it was like, oh, bruh. So I'm already laughing a bit, but I'm trying to keep it together so nobody thinks it was me, because I'm pretty sure there's the guy right next to me. But then a lady a couple rows behind. A true hero says super loud, go take a shit.

Shit in the bathroom right now. And I am weeping with laughter at this point. And everyone's certain it was me. So fuck that guy. It wasn't me. I've been that guy in every situation except the one you're describing and I resent that roast. I would just like to say I resent that roast.

I did that to Cecil at our last year. in QED, I felt terrible. All right, here's one that's been two years in the waiting. Noah, what do you think of Keith Taylor of modest needs? This one's for Zane. Oh, no. Oh, my, that's motherfucker. Innocent until proven.

He's fucking, pled guilty in August. They never proved it. He pled guilty. He declared himself guilty. Admitted guilty. Yeah, this motherfucker told us. them all about how he downsized his life to make room for his fucking chair.

What does that mean? So you switch to six brunches a week at per se then? He puts out this explanation video, right? Of what happened. And polygraphs in other states just start jiggling around. Like, it's like, we know we're pseudoscience, but look at this motherfucker over here. He's fucking, he's so nervous that before the video's over, he sweat through his clothes

to their wear, they're transparent. And he sucked down so much fucking water out of his bottle that bodies started popping out of Lake Mead. Jesus. You expect me to have some extra sympathy just because you have a rare disease that slowly turns your body into a Voltron-like amalgamation

of Mr. Potato Heads? Fuck you. You deserve that. Not many people deserve it, but you do. You took the proudest accomplishment of my life and you put the kind of taint on it

that not even Eli's live show outfits would have buy. And we never saw him in short shorts. Not a single time. Not a single time in my heart hair. He never fucking twerk that bodonka don't. Not once. Not once.

Despite the repeated request. I know. All right. Is he in jail now? I don't know. I hope so. So, Tom, we have a roast of the Stiles family for John and they specifically asked for you. All right.

Well, John specifically noted for our comedy show that the reason that he wanted this roast is that the family supports marital rape. Okay. Very obviously. Well, I guess, obviously, if you're not a complete piece of shit, there is nothing about any kind of rape. Like, no adverb that you can be. put in front of that word that reduces its horror and cruelly, its horror and cruelty and despicability of that act. But there are actually certain adverbs you can use that make it, if not worse, then perhaps

well, yeah, no, worse. Like, imagine asking someone to look you in the eye and to pledge to form a partnership, a trust in a life, and to abuse that unique trust, a trust you asked to hold. And think about what it means when all of those manosphere rape apologist animals twist themselves into knots to justify coercing or forcing someone. Imagine how complete and total and like platonically perfect, their pathetic inadequacy as men has to be, to trade the joy of being wanted for the emptiness of masturbating into someone's unreceptive body.

What inside of these men must be so totally and completely broken that they don't crave to be craved, desire to be desired, that they would trade the joy of being wanted for the craven violence of their stupid, insipid insistence. What is broken is merely everything in these sorry simulacrums of human men. If what you want is anything less than to be wanted, you are treating another human being the same as you would a stake,

a piece of meat to be raised up to satisfy a craving rather than a person to share an experience of human connection with. And all I can think is that this must mean that these useless, dangerous bags of semi-sensient meat are missing whatever it is that makes humanity something worth continuing. They are deficient at a cellular level. They are atomically ruined beyond redemption. All of this is true.

So to then side with these guys. To say, yes, that's how love works. This is something I support. This too makes you the rapist because you cannot be a little pregnant here. That's not how any of this works. You cannot take the stance as you support a rapist and not then become an accessory to rape. There is no moral complexity, no gray area. So know this, John.

These are not tough calls, not difficult choices. And any family that cannot back their own daughter in this situation may be family by blood. But they are each of them rotten fruit, morally poisoned, and deserving only of a lifetime of unerasable shame. and all we can hope for them is that they someday understand what they have done just so that every morning they wake and see themselves in the mirror and hate themselves a little more forever.

Okay. All right, cool. Hey, Cecil, John would like a roast of Steve. You gave me merit. What do you guys walk? I didn't give it to him. I know. I didn't call the guy up and be like,

hey, think of something Tom's going to fucking flip out about. Okay, but like if they gave you the line at Starbucks, it would have sounded similar. Everyone in it is soulless and I hope they do all. Okay. Imagine us trying to make it funny, Tom. Thanks for taking the bullet.

I'm ready. All right. What did you say? All right. Ciesel John would like a roast of Steve. All right. The description of this person, guys, this is amazing. They're a Trump voting white Christian nationalist from Iowa that drives a big pickup truck

with NRA stickers and huge bald evel decal in the wicket. That's a lot of people in Iowa. That you're calling out so many people that need to take a shit in Iowa if that's the case. It can easily be a house

of representatives member in Iowa. Are you sure this isn't a roast to Steve King? You have to tell me if it's a roast to Steve King. Here's all I need to say to this person, though, and I guarantee you that. their head's going to explode and you never have to hear from again, just tell them that truck nuts are gender-affirming care,

and they will never ever see. All right. Here's an interesting one. A roast of political moderates for James. Yeah, I'll take this one. Moderation of our current political situation, that'd be fucking terrible. We better roast it. And in terms of the left, let's shrink that tent, right?

Like, it's getting unwieldy in here with all this political power we have. on the American left in our giant tent, we should probably shrink it. Fuck Abigail Spanberger for winning in Virginia. Fuck Mikey Sherrill for winning in Jersey. Fuck Alyssa Slotkin for winning in Michigan. And fuck nuance. There's no place for that shit in politics. If we think about multiple topics one by one, that's going to be exhausting.

Are you kidding me? Instead, let's do it like this. Anyone who takes one position on one single topic that might be closer to to the middle than you prefer. That person is an evil moderate. Blanket term, no nuance, much better system. We're going to save a bunch of time. And that way,

we can have nothing but the extreme polls on each topic be the talking points forever in American politics. It's going to be awesome. And then we can finally become polarized as a nation. It's going to be great. I can't wait. Great idea. But seriously, Chuck Schumer and a bunch

of the other fossilized moderates trying to make vertical videos about six seven skibbitty ris or whatever the fuck they're doing. Make room for the new blood, especially in places like New York where progressives are very much electable. That's probably what James was actually talking about and

strong and agree. You sent in your money for a roast, but I'm going to tell you what you meant. If you meant the first thing, I'll give you your money back just shut the fuck ever. Forever about politics. He's just mansplained as your roast to you. I'm sure you meant the second thing,

but seriously, if you meant the first thing, like I'll donate $1,000 to any progressive candidate if you shut the fuck up forever and just vote. We probably agree on voting, but don't say a word ever again about politics. I hate you. If you're the first person. If you're the first person. I love these emails. Heath is doing my actual political opinions facetiously and I would like you to tell him to stop.

He's using some direct quotes from conversations we've had in private and I think that's a bio, that's also a hippo violation. And I would like, I usually tell on him to know, but we're on your show. this week. I'm doing my political opinions for real. All right. We have two roasts for JFK junior in a row. Oh, sorry. Yeah, that's different. It's a different. I love skiing. Got him. A convertible seems like a great idea.

I can lay on this airplane. I'll be John John because it's junior. I'll be in Dallas in a few days. Look at me. It's nothing to lose your head over. All right, we have two roasts for RFK Jr. in a row. The first specifically calls for Eli to do the roasting, and this one is for Patrick. Look, I've already taken RFK Jr. to task for trying to give credit for my son's sweet, sweet puzzle skills to Tylenol. But RFC, have you thought about how deep this rabbit hole goes?

What percentage of the world's code did you just give to Tylenol? How much infrastructure? Do you have any idea of what turning credit for the American rail system? and its fandom would do to our nation. Think Robert, think. Steve was not as choosy. He's happy to hear anyone jump in at RFK Jr. I hope I can find something to make fun of.

Bobby, at this point, the fucking brainworm is embarrassed to be seen in your head. You've managed to shame the name of your Uncle Ted. The sewage you sweat. man was grossed out by your presence. The whale head spent the whole ride home going, I hope nobody I know drives by. Your voice, your fucking voice sounds like it sounds

because the words themselves don't want to be associated with you. And the only way your story can have a happy ending is if somebody fries you to death in seed oil and then tries to make it look like an accident by dumping your body next to an old bicycle in central fucking park. Outstanding. Outstanding. All right.

Before we get to the big money roasts, we have one more. And it's specifically for you, Tom. All right. This is Ian asking for a roast of cash money Patel. Oh, Jesus Christ. Cash Patel is one of those motherfuckers who's so far over his own skis, treading water so far above his own head that he cannot even see how completely ridiculous he is. The fucking hubris, the unmitigated temerity, the goddamn 2025,

audacity of this conniving little weasel in a grown man's suit would make me sick if he wasn't such a cosmic fucking joke. Caspetel is proof not only that this must be a simulation, but that it is a bad one programmed by idiots. He is the flying toaster screen saver version of a real person. And the only real question for history is whether to focus on his incompetence, his unsuitability for the job, his lack of credentials and credibility, or whether to just forget this tiny chest thumping baby Napoleon wannabe tough guy, clueless cloward. My vote? Cash fucking who.

There you go. See in Valhalla, buddy. Oh, my God. We've got the guy. God, I wish somebody would have thrown a big axe in his head at that moment, right? Like a big God of war axe comes out of nowhere. Or a big, like a flaming arrow or something, yeah, it sets the ground to flame. You know Cash Patel has like one of those acts throwing like places in his own basement.

Like that's his heart. Oh, no question. Like, unironically his hobbies, like, this is actually cool. That's what happened to his thumb. He's never once landed in that board. He has it down there. No. Yeah, no, it's just.

I know we're picking on axes right now, but axes are cool, right? I mean, we are. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, actually. Hacks throwing's cool. These are like, yeah. Let's chop the bit for a second. Axes are amazing.

Yes. Let's stop podcasting altogether. I don't know why this is the first time we as five full-grown adults have felt the need to fucking take off. Apparently, it was here at the corner of axes and throwing that we were like, hey everybody, we can have fun, but that's fucking cool as shit. That's a great thing to do. Sometimes there is a bridge too far. right. Okay, let's all try to take a swing at these next few.

First up, we have Thomas, who donated $1,000. He would like a roast of Mark Mallet, Catholic songwriter, and Doomsday Blogger. Nice. Okay, I'll go first here because Mark Mallet is holding his chin in literally every photo of him I could find. My conclusion? He super glued his fingers that way a couple of years ago

while he was saying the sentence, that's exactly what I would want you to think. and he's been too proud to know, he's been too proud to let us know ever since. Your whole medium, dude, is writing things down and you settled on calling your blog the now word. Come on.

Did you lose a bet and have to pick it during a boggle game? Like, what the fuck, man? It's, it, but look, every link on his website is sadder than the last, right? Whether it's the donate page that has a button for checks or the upcoming and recent bookings that hasn't been updated since 2020, or the way that he can't figure out

how to highlight the stuff on the main body of the page without also highlighting the same stuff on that part of the sidebar. There is no roast that I could offer this man that would humiliate him more than mark mallet.com show. It's a really bad side. I actually went there too. It starts with a landing page of Mark wearing a shirt and tie and sensible chinos and. A crazy leather jacket for no reason.

Yeah. It's like he had a midlife crisis during a photo shoot, and this is the end of it. Yeah. It looks like sex dungeon crawler, Carl. Like, Mark's Bible blog wasn't reaching the youths, and now it's like, Mark's Bible blog, to the streets, raw, or something like that. Also, I found a photo on the site actually labeled Mallet Clan Christmas. It wasn't with a K.

but it was close. It's terrifying. It's just sloppy white people breathing everywhere. So many of them. Just umbilical cords hanging out. And I'm pretty sure a dead dog in the photo, the Christmas picture. It looks like the duggers and the gnomes

made a country Christmas album together. Okay. So a podcast listener, he has put a photo of this dog in our notes, this picture in our notes, and you should find it on the internet. If you were the mallet's dog and you wanted to ruin that Christmas card,

this is how you would... Short of pissing on someone. There's no other way. Also, I want to point out that we've got a baseball cap and a cowboy hat in this photo I'm sure it's a fitted one too. A lot of stone wash jeans, too. There's a lot of stone wash jeans. Look, I'm the guy here who's most certainly the most sympathetic to the idea of a

doomsday blog. But this shit! This is Doomsday Preppers meets the 700 Club meets an all you can eat buffet at the Word salad cafe. Nicely done. I tried to read a blog or two of marks and it's not

even that I got bored, though I did. But it reminded me entirely too much of communion. This is a flavorless bit of dry blandishments dressed in lies lacking substance packaged as a meal, but with nothing to sink your teeth into

lacking the guts even to be offensive. All right, another $1,000 donor. This is Michael looking for a roast of blocked coronary arteries. Yeah, somehow I always knew it was going to be globs of fat that didn't know how to fucking merge properly that were going to be the death of me. Hey. Hey.

Okay, here's my thing. What do you mean you're blocked because of fat? Bad is grease. if anything, you should work better. Thanks to the grease, I worked into my veins. You should be thanking me. I should have super speed. Five W30 runs into this thing.

What are you talking about? Yeah, so my coronary artery, it's not all the way block with fat yet, probably. But it feels like there's some kind, there's a little bit of blockage. It feels like, you know, like a fat kid got to the top of the water slide and got scared. And now he's like waving people around the side of him. that fat kid is me in real life by the way

yeah I was gonna ask I was gonna ask I later that day also shat myself and puked at the same time at action park that was my day he did that on the flight too yeah look as people just people we get too few joys

and too much heartbreak but one of the great consolations that we have in this extended journey back into the joyful void is bacon. Salty, fatty, perfect bacon. Its drippings and aroma promised to us that there is, in fact, a reason for tomorrow. It comforts us and wraps us in its loving arms and shushes the pain away with delicious umami love songs. And every inch of who we are craves its wonders.

Except you coronary arteries, you fucking traitors, you thieves of joy, you grease-filled race-traders. Fuck you for not loving the only thing that never fails to love us back. Ricky donated $1,000 and wanted us to go after potlucks. Look, I hate potlucks for one very simple reason. Potlux exposed why socialism will... always be a failed experiment. I know. I know podcast listener, but stay with me. You're wondering to yourself, how can a gathering of dishes emphasize the failure of a largely successful political philosophy? Well, I will tell you, Cops guy. Oh, you'll bring cops. You're going to bring cups. Diane is going to

slave over her pot roast for 11 hours, poking and prodding so that fall of the bone beef lasts longer than the memory of your first fisting, and you're going to drop by 7-Eleven and bring a single sleeve of cups, Dave? We could have had Elizabeth Warren for president, but you decided to bring cups, Dave. You decided to bring cups. I look, potlucks are like no other kind of party or get together. Ask yourself, you're invited to like a trap shooting weekend with a group of people, but they said everyone had to bring their own shotgun shells that they made at home from scratch to share it with the group. And you have to transport those to the range in a tepid crock pot.

Would you go? Would you head over there? And you have me thinking, okay, come on, Cecil. That's not a real comparison. Wait until you eat Susan's ramen noodle salad and you find yourself in the bathroom 30 minutes later shooting off rounds like a semi-automatic. You're going to tell me I was right. Or stuck on an airplane next to Heath?

Yeah. When the shell casing flies off, it's a weird moment, right? It is, yeah. A potluck is a go-fund-me, crowd-sourced way to not host your own party. Yeah. Pollocks are like having a dinner party, but everyone has to trust everyone's hand-washing technique and food safety knowledge. It's like playing Russian roulette with your friends where you all agree to eat cold food

you don't like so that you can later point your open asses in each other's faces and wait for the explosive diarrhea of fate to decide who brought the E. coli in the pasta salad. Are we sure we don't want to just spend less time, money, and effort having professional cooks make food for us off of an expansive menu out of a kitchen regularly audited by an independent food safety administration? Because I know a place that does that. No, we're just, we're going to go with 23 side dishes with mayonnaise.

a primary ingredient, huh? That and some Elmer's just referring to as fried meat. Oh, who says that another fucking bland potato salad? Well, that makes 16. I hope that's enough to drown myself to death in. I kind of like potlucks.

How dare you? Fuck you. You're the political moderate of eating food. Listen, I have a real dinner like before and after, but they're fun. Like, you have a couple sides. You got the mac and cheese.

All right. Another $1,000 for recovering for religion this time from Bess. A very specific kind of child workers being requested here. People who don't understand that they need to child care workers. You said child worker.

Yeah, child workers. Child worker. One who's a real bitch about we're going to work, you youngans. We're going after child soldiers. Hey, that chimney ain't got to sweep itself, kid. All right. This is from Best, very specific kind of child care staff worker. People who don't understand they need to keep their religion to themselves around kids that they are paid to care for.

You know, it's hard to find a flaw with a child care staff worker. These selfless souls have dedicated their lives to sending the most important message a young child needs to hear. You are love. That is, unless they're doing it for their goddamn pyramid scheme. Really, Brenda? You're using the rare and expensive. exquisite privilege of molding a human being to make sure that they end up the religion, the vast majority of your country already is?

Good catch! You're one to slip through the net of not hearing about hellfire and damnation between snack and nap. Brenda, if you want to prophylotize your religion to children, just be kind to them. When those children grow up and they're faced with the choice of your country's two dominant fucking religions, they're going to go, wait, what was the religion of that? lady who wiped away my tears when I was forming my visions of what goodness was? You know who made a lot of Christians, Brenda? Mr. Rogers, who when asked in an interview how he praised, gave the only acceptable answer

to his profession in silence. There you. I'm actually in the Bible, too. Assholes. Hey, you know, when you're at work, you don't have to just like say all your thoughts. You don't have to do that. You can just do your fucking job that you absolutely. Asked someone to give you and take the money in exchange for your labor and then go back to your bigot building and sing worship songs to the sky on your own fucking time.

You know, like know your fucking place. Stay in your lane. Hand out juice boxes and hugs and leave other people's kids otherwise alone and also just stop being so fucking tedious. Also stop having a bigot building. Like, okay, I know we have that amendment that says y'all get to have a bigot building and a bigot philosophy that you talk about. out and you sing about in your bigot building in order to do the act of bigot building. But I don't know. Can we reconsider that just a little bit?

It's just the words that kind of stand out to me. Bigot songs in a bigot building? We have the right to that. I don't know. Like we watch a bunch of Christian movies all the time for our job about the terrifying future of an atheist takeover. And it's just nice is what we see. It's just nice.

It's just like kind of nice. I think we should do it. Or at least take away their kids. Let's... We should come for their kids. Let's steal some of their kids is what I'm saying. Yeah, right. They're delicious.

So here's the thing. Remember that any time you're trying to sell your religion to a child, it's because deep down, you know that you could not sell it to an adult. You know that by the time somebody's old enough to say, get the fuck out of here, they will. And that means that you know deep down that, A, your worldview is childish. And B, that you know that you, You're the goddamn Joe Camel of religion. Because it's cool.

Awesome. Thank you. And the dick face. For our last roast, we got to think. How much camel cash for salvation, though? Because that's a lot. I feel like it's a lot of camel cash.

Yeah. It's a lot of camel. It's more than like the Pepsi bucks. Guys, I Google, is Joe Camel saved? And the first image result is Joe Camel on his knees praying before the cross.

We really need to end society and start over. So what is the Christian equivalent of Rule 34, right? Because there is that too. Ooh. All right. For our last roast, we have to thank Colin for donating $1,22. He wants a roast of people who don't like cats. Okay.

People who don't like cats think banning face sitting porn is better safe than sorry. I mean, like, yes, it's a dog that doesn't like you with needles on the end of its hands. That at this point have taken more of Tim's flesh than a Civil War soldier. But when you win a cat over, my friends, you have earned it. Pick yourselves up by your animal handling bootstraps and make with the... That's what I'm saying. Your face-sitting porn is weird based on what you just said. So here's the thing you got to remember if you don't like cats.

This isn't about you. You're nothing. Cats are magical ninjas. They're amazing. Cats can jump like six times higher than their own height. land perfectly. Can you standing broad jump onto the roof of a three-story house? No, you can't. You make pug noises when you stand up from a chair. Hey? And you're mad that cats don't seem to care about you. And it's not even that. Cats, nothing you. You're nothing. I don't care for

Jonas Salk. He seems a bit aloof. Fuck you. I just want to say, people, people. You just want to say, People who don't like cats, my cats know who you are. They know and they have traveled in time through the web way to make every moment of your life, they can inconvenient. They will blow on your coffee when you're not looking. They will put a single ice cube right in the walking path of your carpet to melt. So when you walk in your socks, it's going to get wet, okay? They will heat up tape on everything you buy so that for most of that product's life, there's a tiny bit of dirt stuck to the glue that the tape left.

they will shit in a box. I mean, they'll do that anyway, but they will do it with malice. Right? Do not fuck with them. Yeah. So here's my thing. Like,

you know what? Reject the fucking premise. I don't, there aren't people who don't like cats. Cats are love and joy and fuzz and cuddles and irreverence and toe beans and great big, big fat, chunky noodle stretchers.

There's literally nothing to not like. What these people are, in fact, is people that cats don't like. Right? And it's because, hey, it's because cats see right into your fucking soul and know who and what you are and they reject it. It's not the, it's not the fucking cat you hate. It's yourself.

The cat is only a mirror. It's so good. Learning a lot today. Learned a lot. This breast is my tape. People who don't like, people who don't like cats are the same kind of people. who don't want to do anything to win anyone over.

They are the entitled assholes who believe that everyone should love and value and respect them just for existing and not for actually doing anything to earn that time, that attention, that respect, and that affection. They are lazy with the one thing that no one should be lazy about themselves. They are accidental people. People who think that just existing is somehow good enough to celebrate. Like they are selfish without even having a real self. They are bad at sex and hate foreplay.

They keep talking even when you're obviously trying to leave the room. They don't even have one Taylor Swift song they at least secretly kind of like. They fart in the car with the windows up on road trips. Or on the plane. They shy away from cats because they are a motley collection of bad habits sewn together by genetic accident. and cats superior and graceful and fucking perfect, know it.

All right, that brings this episode of Vulgarity for Charity to a close. Hey, guys, Noah Heath, Eli, thank you guys so much for coming on. Always such a pleasure to do it, guys. I don't want to do this again. So thank you to Noah, Heath, and Eli from the scathing atheist, god-awful movies, skeptocrat, and D&D minus, as well as citation needed. I want to thank them for coming on and being part of this Volgarity for Charity. We've been teaming up with them for many years,

and we've been raising a lot of money. Our audience has been the one who has been raising that money. We want to thank our audience for donating, of course, for this worthy cause. We want to thank them for coming on, putting in the hard work for vulgarity for charity. It's not over. We're still going to be doing a bunch more vulgarity charities.

I think two or three more are going to happen. So if you haven't heard your roast yet, don't worry. There's a possibility it could happen in the future. And with that, we're going to wrap it up. And we're going to leave you like we always do with skeptic. Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-babelon bullshit. Couched in Scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quazi alternative, acupunctuating,

pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night infoducatainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death and towers, tarot cars, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, Conclusive.

Doubt even this. Thanks for tuning in. If you enjoyed the show, consider supporting us on Patreon at patreon.com forward slash dissonance pod. Help us spread the word by sharing our content. Find us on TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and threads, all under the handle at DissinancePod.

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