Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 904: RFK Tells Broke People to Try Peasant Food

Episode Date: March 12, 2026

'This is actually crazy': Callers to Washington hotline shocked when pressing 2 for Spanish "Try peasant food": RFK sparks outrage after telling 'broke' Americans to stop complaining and eat cheaper food instead Melania Trump presides over UN meeting promoting 'peace through education' after bombing of Iran school | CNN Florida man destroys Chinese restaurant with shovel, claimed to be prophet ending new COVID strain: Affidavit | FOX 35 Orlando Man accused of setting fires to 'kill spiders,' then fleeing as blaze spread to neighbors in Poconos | Monroe County Area | wfmz.com Scientists create tomatoes that smell like popcorn using gene editing - Dexerto Missing Florida Man Found at Sand Plant Stuck Shoulder-Deep in Mud | Us Weekly GOP senator demands Netflix remove trans content since it doesn't align with his personal values - LGBTQ Nation Kristi Noem Repeatedly Claimed ICE Deported a Cannibal. It Was "Completely Made Up." https://archive.is/20260223141435/https://theintercept.com/2026/02/23/kristi-noem-ice-cannibal/ Kid Rock Predicts Go d Will 'Cut Down' Journalists for Reporting (Accurately) That He's Charging Up to $5,000 for Tour Tickets

This episode of Cognitive Dissinence is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Gloria Hill Studios in Chicago and beyond. This is Cognitive Dissanance. Every episode to be blasted anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence. to any topic that makes the news

makes it big or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome at. Today is Thursday. We're going to go with March the 12th. 12th sounds good.

There you go. When you're listening to this, today's a funny show. See, it's the work. We're keeping it light. Trying to keep it light. You know, so we're not, whatever fresh hell has occurred

in the last seven days, and there is one. I don't know what it is yet. Yeah, I know. Like, that's the worst. part about recording these is you could just be like, yeah, and part of the world is a cinder, but we have a funny show. Here's some funny

stuff that happened, guys. Hey, you guys, we want this. We need this. Don't we need this, Cecil? Do you still, I remember years ago you told me that like as like a brain refresher or palate cleanser. You like to watch like cute animal photo, cute animal videos. Am I remember that?

I subscribe to R-all. I subscribe to R-A-W-W-W-W-W-W-W. or whatever it is. It's just like a cute animal thing. It's palate cleansings. Yeah. Like when I watch a, you know, a particular, I read a particularly terrible story or I watch something pretty terrible.

I go, I bleach it out of there. Yeah, you got to do something. You got to get it out of there. So this is your, this is your ear bleach. This is your ear bleach. And you know what? The nice thing about ear bleach, it also prevents ear COVID. It does.

You can just get a little sunlight on your ear bleach. All you need is either ear bleach or ear Ivermectin. Where's all my Ivermectin bros? Is that still a thing? Are they still stocking up on horse paste? I can't hear you are. You're a horse. Horse is a, sometimes people talk like that.

All right. This story comes from, I don't know. Oregon Live. Oregon Live. The Oregonian. Yeah. This is actually crazy. Callers to Washington hotline shocked when pressing two for Spanish.

When they press two for Spanish, what they get is English. Hello. Hello. heavily accented Spanish accent from an AI voice. I would like to send your message to someone else. This is, I, you press the button and you get seen your pets. That's the best thing. That's the best thing is you press the button and fucking senior pets.

Hello there. How are you doing there today for yourself? This is, Cecil, maybe we should. maybe we shouldn't. You know, when the AI revolution is here, this is an AI thing. So, like, they automated through AI. Press 3 if you would like me to talk dirty.

Keep pressing 3 until I come. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Do it very slowly in Morrisville. Slow first, then faster as we go. That's a Russian. That's Russian. You're doing a reason. I can't do it.

I can't do it. Jesus Christ. This is like AI is racist, first of all, like it is because it's trained on the internet and the internet is fucking racist. You know what's funny is what'll come up on Joe's show a lot is they'll always bring up AI trying to make Nazis inclusive. So there was like an image that somebody asked for it. They said, hey, I want some Nazis. And it produced like racially diverse Nazis. And that's real funny in some ways.

Right. But I think the reason why it, and the reason, and they've said why they've done it, which is essentially for many years, AI was thinking all doctors are men. Oh, right. All of this subgroup is this other subgroup, right? Because there's so many pictures of those people. Only, you know, only women can be teachers or things like that. Right, yeah.

And so what they tried to do is put in rules for it to say, stop. doing that. You need to stop doing. You need to be more diverse. And it didn't realize that sometimes you shouldn't be. Like being not diverse is great for Nazis, right? It's great for Nazi. It's not good for other stuff. But AI doesn't know the difference. It's just a fucking program with a lot of code. Right. So it just doesn't have any idea what's good and bad levels of diversity, right? So to them, to that side, what they say is that's woke gone wild. That is, but what it really was was just a bad program, right? Learning off the internet.

And that's the real issue. Well, and Grock fixed it by turning everything into Nazis. Just everything is, it's all Nazis. It's like turtles all the way. It's just all Nazis. If you need your Nazi child porn, that's where you go. That's where you go. I think we just got banned from YouTube for me saying those words in that order.

But this is so, this is just so. exactly what's going to happen in the future. Right? It doesn't understand that you doesn't want Spanish language. It's just giving you. Spanish accent. It's giving you Antonio Bandoz. Here's what I want.

If we're going to have a terrible AI-driven slop world. And by the way, we are 100% going to have a terrible AI-driven slop world. I want at least to be able to customize it so that I can call and be like, all right, I want Mortisha Adams to speak to me, please. I want it to be that. I want to be like, I want to press 9 for Mortisha. Or you press the button and you get like the anime,

the anime princess girl or whatever. Sailor Moon or something. Whatever. Just like really high, screechy voice telling you what to do next. We should be able to bespoke. If I'm going to have a slop world, I want a bespoke slop world. I want to be able to have a actually be able to press a button and then

have a full body pillow of something I can hug to at the same time. so it matches. So big senior pets. Big senior pet's body pillow. Senior pets body pillows. Why haven't we made one? Senior pets body pillow,

fleshlight built in. Hello, caliente. I am senior pets. CVS, this is just a funny, like CVS has changed their whole system, at least locally here, to an AI slop system.

So it used to be that you could call CVS. And like if you pressed fucking the right thing, you could talk to the pharmacist. Because sometimes you might need to talk to a pharmacist. Then they changed it to where you could only leave a voicemail for the pharmacist, but they'll call you back. And then lo and behold, they actually called you back, which stunned me when it happened the first time. Now it's AI slop when it picks up the phone. So I was calling to try to refill a prescription for my son. And it's like, enter the prescription number.

I'm like, okay, beep, beep, beep, beep. And then it's like, we don't recognize your phone number with this prescription. And I'm like, well, that's because it's not mine. I'm like, and it just did not know how to connect the idea that my phone number might be being used for something other than me. And it couldn't fucking do it. Like it was like six minutes of just fucking slot menu bullshit. None of knows, no press zero anymore at all. You have to talk to it.

Oh, God. And I hate that talking to the fucking robots. Tell me in a few words what you'd like. I'd like you to fucking unplug yourself. That's what I'd like you to do. Unplug yourself. Erase your. your memory from human beings.

That's what I would love to have happen. Is there anything more galling than having to talk to one of those fucking things? I hate it so much, Tom. I'm so old and I recognize that. I'm sure people walk down the street with their earbuds in, FaceTiming AI robots and telling them what they want, but I cannot do it. I just can't bring myself to do it.

The most insult to injury version of that is the, please tell me in a few words, what you want. And then you fucking are like, customer service. It's like, I need to know the fucking problem before I'll get you to cover. Then you fucking tell it something. And then you hear the fake keyboard typing in the background. Oh, it makes you crazy. I swear to God, all I want to do is murder.

Oh, God. Murder. I feel like that is our kill switch or whatever. Like that's been programmed into us. Like that's our Manchurian candidate moment. There's, if I hear that clicking in the background, I will kill anything in front of me. Dude, there's no, by the time I get to a person, I'm so mad. I'm ready to do a terrorist act.

And I feel bad because the person on the other end, they just picked up the phone. They didn't make me go through this. They have nothing. So I'm always calm and I'm always polite and respectful. But inside, inside Cecil, I'm squeezing my heart with the force of a diamond.

I'm so mad. It makes me so angry when I hear that. I'm just like, dude, you cannot trick me into believing that's a real person. It's not even remotely close to a real person. Speaking of not a real person, RFK, try peasant food.

RFK sparks outrage after telling broke Americans to stop complaining and eat cheaper food instead. Now, there's a 20-second clip of him talking, but I cannot listen to him speak. I hate it so much. Yeah. So I'm not interested in listening. And it's also echoey and bad. So I just don't want to listen to it. But basically what he says is, yeah, if you're going to order a porterhouse, that's a lot of money, but you can eat liver instead.

This argument makes me so crazy. I heard him on Joe Rogan recently talking about this. And he's talking about, you know, what their plan is, is that there's plenty of good, wholesome food out there. And that snap is spent on soda and it's spent on ultra-processed foods and all this stuff. And we need to go through and make sure that they can't spend that money on those things. And they've banned it in certain jurisdictions in the country. You're not allowed to spend it on certain things. You have to spend it on all these other things that they sort of approve.

Like, they get to look through your cart and tell you what you can and can't eat. but what he says is our next big thing that we're doing is we're sending out people to teach people how to cook in these areas because they just don't know how to cook anymore. And I'm thinking, dude, you're going to send a bunch of people to poor people or people who are in poverty. Those people know how to cook. They just don't have the fucking time to do it, man.

It's just like when I worked long hours at my job, The only thing I wanted to do was stop standing on my feet and stop working. Cooking a meal for yourself is a job to do. It's another job to do. Just like washing the dishes and cleaning the floor and putting the laundry away and collecting the stuff around your house to dust and clean, et cetera, et cetera, mowing the lawn. That's all work you have to do. Sometimes you just want to pay another person to do some of that work ahead of the time so you don't.

don't have to do that work. That's what that's, I mean, it's literally like, it's a time thing, guaranteed. It's a time thing and a convenience thing. And also, sometimes a treat thing. Like, I get to have a treat once in a while. And my treat is, I'm going to order a pizza tonight. Right. Rich people never think about this because, one, they have plenty of time to do the work

that's necessary or they've hired somebody to do that work for them. That's right. Because their time is too valuable for it. Yep. Yeah. Dude, this is, how does this not exactly sound like let them eat cake? It is exactly that. We like, let them eat fucking gluten-free cake.

Let them eat liver, is the message, right? Let them eat beef cake. I love that the answer for RFK to the problem of affordable food is to just buy shittier food. Yeah. Right? Like, don't buy a good, like, hey, the good cuts of meat, those are for us. If you're poor, you eat the shit. You eat the leavings and the trimmins and the fucking do-ins and the bits and awful and the end trails.

Also, like, what? To make liver palatable for most people. Now, don't get me wrong. There's some people out there who are like, this is awesome. I love liver. I love the way it tastes. Most people don't enjoy the way liver is flavored. You have to do certain things in order to enhance the flavor of liver.

So I would have to maybe cook it with bacon and onions and mushrooms in order to give it like a different type of flavor. And to make it so, but now you're saying, well, liver's cheap, but I had to buy bacon, onions, and mushrooms, too, in order to make it palatable. Sure, I could eat just fucking fried up liver, but that doesn't taste good. Yeah, man. You also need some modicum of skill to put that together. I also need to own the pan and the stove and all of those other things in order to put it together.

I would probably need a cutting implement. I would need to, you know, have all these things ready and able to use in order to do the thing you're suggesting. Also consider all the other cuts that you're talking about At one point somebody said get it I think it was Joe said You know just get a chuck roast Dude I bought a chuck roast the other day

It was like 25 hours for a chuck roast Dude I know So like you're pretending like these cuts of meat are cheap These are not cut to meat that are cheap anymore No I don't care what part of the cow it comes from It ain't cheap anymore You bet I mean essentially

Genuinely Beef is unaffordable It is there is I cannot find a cut of beef anywhere not anywhere under $7 or $8 a pound. That is a ridiculous. That is a on a calories per pound basis, if I am struggling to make my dollar stretch, beef is essentially an unaffordable food.

You just can't eat beef. So now you're like, you've got to like think about, okay, well, now I'm going to maybe have pork. Pork is thankfully still almost close to reasonable, but it's twice what it was last year. It is, and that's the problem. The percentage of change in the cost of food has wildly outstripped people's income change.

So we're not making as much money as it costs us in the differential for how much things have gotten more expensive. So we just have less money. So now we have to buy less food or less medicine or, you know, less heat or less electricity. Like being broke is about not like making choices about, you know, what little luxuries you're going to give yourself. But being like broke is about like, okay, how do I manage to? survival today. These guys don't

understand that. Fucking Kennedy. Do you think he fucking knows anything about this? He doesn't know anything. He's never there's a chance he might have cooked his own meals but he did it because it was an adventure and fun for him. Exactly. Not because it was a necessity for him to do it. And when, you know, when

Joe screams out buy a chuck roast, one, he doesn't know how much a chuck roast costs. So that's just obvious, right? But secondly, even if you did, Chuck roast is a tough cut of meat. I've got to cook that for a long time. Well, I just got home. I just got home from work. Now, what do you want me to do? If I don't order to pressure cooker, I can't eat that in under an hour. I've got to cook it for two and a half hours in order

for it to actually be an edible meat or I've got to grind it. I've got to mechanically tenderize it in some way so that I can actually consume it because if not, it's basically eating a giant rubber steak. Yeah. Also, a chuck roast has an enormous amount of trash that you throw away. That's garbage. So you're spending a lot of money per pound and then you trim it out and there's actually a lot of, there's so much fat on a chuck roast that you are going to have to trim out probably 15 to 20% of it by weight. Yeah. So you just take whatever the cost is at 15 to 20% because it's inedible. Absolutely right. And then you're adding all that time onto your day to try cook it. These people have no idea what it's like to work in an actual system where they're

where they're working and commuting or working to jobs and commuting and then they come home and then they just want fucking Totino's pizza rolls, man. Yeah. I just want to fucking put some pizza rolls in there. I want to grab a Diet Coke from the fucking fridge, and I want to sit down and I want to watch Mystery Steiner's Theater until I pass out. So I have to get up tomorrow morning and do the same fucking thing again. These guys have no idea what it's like to be a real actual person. And it just makes me crazy because when you think about the way in which we treat people who live in poverty, do you remember when we were first starting out how we used to like something, like, for instance,

a wax ring would go bad on your toilet. and you had to get in there and figure out it's not an expensive piece of something right it's like a dollar or two dollars a small thing it's a wax ring and what it does is it fits in between it's a seal between the pipe and your toilet but in order to get the toilet

so that it's actually able to be moved you have to drain the toilet then I have to unscrew it and move it and then you have a big fucking stink pipe shooting fucking stink in your face and then there's fucking all this goop that you have to essentially use your fucking hands to dig out of there you got to dig all this

goop out of there, dig it out around from the fucking toilet, which is full of shit, by the way. Because that's the toilet. And then you have to stuff that thing in there. And then you're going to pray that you did it right. Yeah. Because sometimes you do it wrong and you spill a bunch of shit all over your floor and you have to start from fucking square one. Yeah. Get a new ring and do the whole thing over again. It's a couple dollars and a couple hours worth of your time. Or you could pay another human being to do it. Right. These people don't understand that some people don't have the convenience of the second option. They don't understand that.

And that filters down to everything, including food choices. Yeah, man. What they don't understand is that most people don't have that, right? Like, these guys have, like a Kennedy has never changed the wax seal on his toilet. No. He's never done it. And if he has, to your point, it might have been because as a hobby, he wanted to remodel a house. He doesn't understand.

These guys don't understand the difference between necessity and choice. Yeah. They don't understand. Did you see the viral video this week of the Big Mac, the new Big Mac, the Big Arch? No. So the CEO of the company of McDonald's says, it's here, everybody, the Big Arch, brand new product that we have. So I'm going to eat one in front of you and he's got a, he pulls a big arch out and he's like, oh, look at it. He's like, I don't even know how to really attack it.

And then when they show him bite it, he's like, he kind of reaches his head out. He's like, I don't need McDonald's. He takes, Tom, the smallest bite you've ever seen a human being take. And everybody's making fun. I'm like, you're not going to eat that. That's like, that's like when handing somebody fracking water and being like,

go ahead and drink it. And then they just put it up to their mouth. They don't actually do like, this fracking water tastes delicious. It's like that, right? This guy is, it's either that or he just like, he's just like a really small guy. and he eats in like tiny little bird bites. Yeah.

But if that guy doesn't get out and mouth fuck that burger, it looks terrible for the burger, right? The guy's got to fucking make love to it with his mouth. 100% dude. It's a terrible video. And so what we've seen is after this is a total line of all the CEOs coming out and eating their burgers. Oh, fucking hey, dude.

So now there's just like, all you see is all these CEOs. And the one from Burger King and Wendy's were the two that I saw. just both like, oh, and they're like, take an actual full-on bite and there's shit on their face. And I'm just like, that guy knows I eat a burger. That guy is, that guy's eat a burger right. But evidently, it was a big thing this week. And it just showed me like, again, it's one of those things that you see and you see the class difference between people where, like, I walk into a room of my guys and I hand out a bunch of these big arches. There's fucking slop on their face. There's shit on their shirt. They've got, they've taken two bites and half the burger is gone.

And these guys are like, me. I'm going to bite the tiniest little. And then they bite the littlest bit. It's fucking amazing if you, like, cut it with a fork and knife. Oh, God. It's so amazing, too. These people, they live in another world. They live in another world.

Yeah. They've never, like, it's so funny because you think, like, you don't fucking eat your product. You don't eat a McDonald's. Like, because you are not your target audience. Yeah. Right? Like, you are not going and getting handburgers. They're all lying, by the way, now to say that they eat three, four times a week at their own

establishments. Get the fuck out of here. I don't believe you. One, nobody would choose to do that anyway. That's like, it's not like anybody's like, man, I would eat four times a week at McDonald's. If I could know, they wouldn't. No. Also, that sandwich lost $15.

Excuse me? Excuse me. I think it's $15 for a meal. Maybe it's $12 for the sandwich itself. That's insane. It's two double quarter pounder, though. I don't care. I don't care at all what you just said.

Yeah, I won't eat McDonald's anymore anyway. I stopped. I went, like, my kids, like, I don't do a lot of fast food. I mean, I don't do having a fast food. forever. But like I stopped with one of my kids and we got fast food together because they were asking for it. And I was like, oh, and it's probably been four or five years since I've eaten any fast food. And it was like $30 or $40. Yeah, it's expensive. For fucking two people to eat fucking drive-through food. Or Sarah and I was like, what is happening? I'm stopping using the dashing stuff. Yeah.

Because seriously, when I go to order food, if I want to order food from a restaurant now, they direct me to a dash or a grubhub. Yeah, you have to use it. And when I do, the price of that food is astronaut. It's literally twice the price of the food. So if I go order like a $40 meal between the two of us, which is already expensive. Right. Now it's $80 to get it delivered to my house.

The two of us eating a $100 meal, that should be out somewhere with a full meal and like a tablecloth. Trinks and appetizers and maybe a dessert to split between the two of us. That's what that should cover $100. Yeah. Instead, it's half cold food that was delivered to my house the third on the route. Oh, I know. And I'm giving people immense tips when this happens.

Right. Because, like, I recognize, like, how shitty it is to be a del-I was delivery driver. So I know how shit you is. Right. So I give people really big tips. So it could be that I'm just tipping really well, but I'm not tipping $40. Right. You don't know.

Like, you're not right. I have four kids. Every once in a while, we order pizza. And I'm like, how, like, how am I, spending this kind of money on pizza. You're probably spending 200 bucks on pizza. It is an absurd amount of money for pizza. Pizza used to be the thing that like everybody could just get a pie. And I'm not talking like you getting like the like I'm like even fucking like pizza hut's expensive. It's wild. Yeah. It's what fucking Papa Johns. That's the hardly even food. That's not even food.

That's barely food. I couldn't convince me. Everything about this next story is fucking amazing. man accused of setting fire to kill spiders, then fleeing as blaze spread to neighbors in Poconos. There's so much in this. Can I just read part of this? First of all, while Cecil scrolls down, this man's hair alone tells you he's a guy who starts fires to kill spiders. He kind of looks like the baby and the Simpsons.

He does kind of look like the baby in the Simpsons. He's got that same haircut. Anyway, please say a man who intentionally set multiple fires inside his poker, Tono Township Townhome on Monday, fled the scene after the blaze spread and engulfed several connected units. Pocono Mountain Regional Police reported

at some address it doesn't matter for a structure fire. Police say that the fire originated at this address, but also consumed three other connecting townhomes upon arrival. Your fucking HOA's going to take a hit on that one. I hope you have stuff in reserves. We're going to need a special assessment. Special assessment of three new three. New townhomes, please.

Police spoke with a witness who said that he had observed the owner of the unit, Sean McDermott, setting small fires, that's multiple fires within the townhome throughout the day. McDermott, I love this, Lexline. McDermott said he needed to kill the spiders within the residence, according to the witness. He said McDermott had a smoldering fire going on the floor and then placed a love seat on top of the fire. Yeah. What is happening? Did I ever tell you that I almost lit a fire at my house on fire when I was a kid?

No. So when I was a kid, I was stupid, such a stupid kid. Got it. There's a whole Reddit called Kids are fucking stupid. And literally I would be the top of this. I have so many stories connected to spiders and to this stuff. So anyway, I was a little kid and I was playing with something. This might have been a little action figure or something.

And it fell and it rolled under a bed. Okay. Well, I couldn't see under the bed. It was dark. Sure. So I got my mom's lighter. Of course, yeah. And I went to light the lighter underneath.

Oh my God. And I looked underneath and beds, some beds, not all of them. They used to have this sort of like, I don't know what it was for, but it was like a thin piece of like mesh cloth underneath the bed that's stapled to it. Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, that lit on fire immediately. By real good. Of course.

Yeah, it was real fast. It turns out. And so I see it's on fire and I run to the same. and I grab a cup of water and then run back in. Problem solved. I put it underneath, Tom, but the problem is that you can't splash it

because it's stuck under there. Essentially, it had very little clearance. So as a kid, I'm like, try to, it won't splash. Right. So then I run out of the room and I'm like, mom, the bed's on fire. So my mom, this is back

when you used to be on the phone, when you used to have a phone in your house. Yeah. So she's on the phone and she's sitting on the stairs in our house because the phone, the long cord from the kitchen would reach to the stairs. And she's like, hold on a second. And she sets the phone down, walks upstairs, throws the mattress across the room, picks a flaming box spring up by herself, drags it down the stairs.

Jesus Christ, on fire? Opens the patio door. And this is, I was very young at the time we had a house. We lived in apartments most of my young life. But when I was very young, we had a house. she throws it out in the yard it's on fire and then she walks back through the house calmly with a pitcher of water pouring water on the carpet

that is on fire in our house then she goes outside turns those hose on and puts out the bed she is the best person ever in an emergency and then finishes her phone call unflappable

unflappable it's amazing but I totally almost lit my house house on fire. Yes, you did. Looking for like a G.I. Joe guy that fell under. Did you get the G.I. Joe guy?

After she moved the bed, it was visible. There you go. Problem solved. It was sort of a Rube Goldberg solution. You have to light the bed to like, yeah, but it's not a whole thing. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. I also, I have another story too. Oh, good. I was going through the forest when I was a kid. I was an adult, almost an adult at the time. Old enough to own

what is essentially a large bowie knife slash machete looking thing. But it was basically a large bowie knife. It was as big as a machete but it was in the shape of a bowie knife. And I remember I was cutting some like my way through pretty thick woods by me

to do something. I don't remember what I was doing but I was down there cutting woods and I looked down and there's one of those big fucking honking spiders on my leg. Oh yeah. And it was a big motherfucker.

And I freaked out. I was immediately. Oh, God. to whack it with the side of the blade, but I had turned the blade a little, Tom, and I cut the fuck out of my half. I immediately cut it, and you could just, you know when you open something up

and you just see, like, inside? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, that's going to bleed a lot. So I had to cut my shirt and tie it around my leg and then limp out of the forest. Well, it's a good thing you had the knife to cut your shirt, Cecil. So, while I don't know,

I think within two stories, I think you could put me in this position. You can easily put me in this position because I would be a guy who would probably light his house on fire if he saw spiders. I got to read the last line. Go ahead.

Anyone with information on his whereabouts are asked to call 911 or the Pocono Mountain Regional. You call it and the spider answers. Where's that motherfucker at? Where's he at? He got my family. He killed my old family.

Peter Parker's looking for him like crazy. We got married. My wife and I got married. They put your name, you know, like when you buy a condo or a house or whatever, your name gets released because people pay attention to the public records they can put in. So immediately you'll get like homer's insurance. People will send you messages, et cetera, et cetera. When you get married, the same thing happens. So immediately people will start sending you physical messages that are like, hey, you should do this thing.

You should, you know, get life insurance. You should, you know, here's a his and hers cutting boards you should buy or whatever the fuck. I remember we got in the mail, right after we got married, somebody like a company from the Poconos sent us a video cassette in the mail. It was a package that came. Yes. I opened it up and it's a hotel in the Poconos. Oh my God. I would go.

That asked, that was like, hey, you're looking for a honeymoon spot. You should come to the beautiful Poconos. I would go. And every single room had a gigantic champagne glass jacuzzi. I would fuck in a champagne glass jacuzzi. That's amazing. Clear jacuzzi in the middle of the room. Yes.

That you had to climb a ladder to get into. It was so tacky. It was unbelievably tacky. We did not go to the poker. I would go because it's tacky. You would go in because of the tacky. Because it's tacky. It would be hilarious.

But I remember every single room had a champagne glass jacuzzi. So that's the only thing I know about the polka nose. I don't know anything about the polka nose except for there is a hotel there. And I am sure it has champagne glass. jacuzzi. A hundred percent. My goal in life now is to own a champagne glass.

Have you ever been to the Poconos? Is that in New York? It's in New York. It's in New York. Haley's been. I've never been. She's like, it's just mountains. She's like it all sounds like nice. But she's like the Berkshires, the Poconos.

She's like, it's all the same. It's all just mountains. She's like, so if you like the woods and the mountains, it's all just the woods and mountains. I see. So yeah. She's like, it all looks the same. Hey, here's something nobody wants.

So I just create tomatoes that smell like popcorn. using gene editing. Maybe we shouldn't, Tom. Maybe we shouldn't, guys. Here's what I hope. I hope we create the tomatoes the size of attack the killed tomatoes. They roll around and then

we make popcorn sounds when they crush us. That's what I'm hoping. You walk around and attack of the killer tomatoes land and you're like smelling. One's coming. I can smell. It smells like Orville Reddenbucker.

I smell like that asshole in the office that no one. Nobody likes. There really is no what they should. First off, tomato smell great.

I don't know why you would change the smell of a tomato. Tomatoes smell great, but sort of like fucking like the worst smell is like burnt popcorn. Oh, terrible. That's a terrible smell. Do you know when I want popcorn?

Only when I want popcorn. I never want sneaky popcorn. That's a great point. I don't want surprise popcorn. Popcorn is such a strong flavor that like there's not a situation. wish or I want to be like, oh, delicious tomato on my roast beef sandwich. Tastes like popcorn.

Why don't you do this? Like, if you're going to gene at it, why not do this to shrimp? Popcorn shrimp. Fucking right? Popcorn. Popcorn shrimp, right? Don't, you got to edit this. That's a million dollar idea.

We can't let people know about it. Everybody's catching individual shrimp. Popcorning it. The thing is like when I read the article, they said that, well, basically they wanted to like see if they could make tomatoes smell. more because they recognize that the tomatoes that we buy don't taste or smell like anything. So they're like, if we can make it smell more by adjusting these genes and maybe we can make it smell like more tomato-y.

But like the first thing they got it to smell like was more popcorn. That's so funny that they're like, well, we stumbled into this one. We'll try to fix it in the future. Yeah. Hopefully the rest of it doesn't smell like popcorn. I also like that our solution to the tomatoes taste bad is like, well, we don't want to let them ripen longer. Let's just like, fuck with it.

We got to turn that shit out, right? Yeah. My wife has a garden now that we live outside of the city. And so, like, we, a couple years, it's been a back and forth. Sometimes we'll do tomatoes. Sometimes we won't. They're kind of hard to, like, depending on what you do, certain times it's more difficult to grow them or at least cultivate them to their final maturity because they might get bugs or other things that happens to them. So it's just a pain. It's a huge hassle. I love buying tomatoes at the farmer's market, though. A good tomato, one of the best things that you can eat. But sometimes you get those romas and they don't, they're not wrong. They don't taste like anything. They taste like nothing. It's not even a, it's just chewing on something. You're like, I would like a cold wet on my sandwich, please. You're like, yeah, it's not a thing. It's just nothing.

Yes. Iceberg lettuce is more flavorful than a bad tomato. Yeah, right? Yeah, you're not wrong. There's sometimes you can buy it and be like, oh, that tastes pretty good. Tomato, you're just like, what does that taste like? Yeah. It's like, I might as well just like take a paper towel and get it wet and then chew on it for a few minutes.

It's like, oh, I'm like, that would still have more flavor. That would have more flavor. There's nothing less, although I would maybe contend that a bad strawberry can have less flavor. Yeah, bad strawberry is real, real bad. Bad blueberry too. Sometimes blueberries don't taste like anything. They just taste like a pop. Yes.

And you're like, well, that's not anything. That's kind of gross, actually. I hate, like, I'll buy fruit. Like, I eat a lot of fruit. I'll be like, how is it? I'm like, this is just chewing. Yeah, there's just a chewing food. There's nothing to it.

Sometimes apples can be like that, too, depending on the apple. buy an apple and you'd be like, oh, I bought this apple and it tastes like nothing. I will tell you the only apples I buy now, if they're, assuming they're available, NV apples are the, in my opinion, the absolute greatest apple. Cosmic crisp are really good. That's an excellent apple. Very, very good. Very good. I've speared away from Honeycrisp because Honeycrisp has changed. Yeah, they're very inconsistent now. So sometimes it could be amazing. Sometimes it could be a red delicious. And you're like, well, that's not anything. That's not for food. So I don't eat those anymore. We've shifted. And so now it's cosmic crisp. But,

Envy is very good too. NV apple, I love. And jazz apples are also very good. Jazz apples are great as well. Yeah. There's a, I think that there's probably a lot more. It just depends on we're in the Midwest. So there's not a ton of choice. You get kind of what you get. You get whatever's in Michigan. Yeah, you get whatever's in Michigan, essentially. There's a place by us that in the fall, you can go pick your own apples. Oh, nice. And so Sarah and I have gone a couple years in a row. And it's great. And then right off the tree that you go down. And the best part is is you can walk up to the tree. They say, you can eat. eat any apple, as many apples as you want to eat. They're going to kick me out. So you got to, but you got to eat the whole apple. That's the key.

You can't just take a bite and throw it away. Sure. So they say you have to eat the whole apple. So you just can't eat more than like three apples. Like I'm sorry, there's nobody out there could be like, I'm going to eat 25 apples. No, probably not. That's not a thing you can do. There's just too much fiber and water in there.

Your body can't do it. So most of the time, the most you're going to get down is about two or three apples. Like even if you're hungry, you're just like, no, I'm kind of done. I'm done with apples. But anyway, you walk down, you grab an apple. And they, different times, they open up, they have different varieties. So you just walk down and you're like, like, in two weeks, it'll be the pink ladies or whatever will be open. But now it's the whatever.

Oh, that's cool. And they have all these different kinds of crazy ones that I've never had. And then they tell you, like, this one's for baking, this one's for eating, this one's for, you know, whatever. It's awesome. It's super great. It's expensive as fuck. It's like $25 a bag of an apple. So it's an experience.

It's not a thing. Right. Every apple you pick is the apple you pick. and they taste great. And it's awesome. And they taste great. And it's fun. A bunch of people with their kids and you and your wife walking around being like,

hey, I'm going to get these apples and then you go buy apple cider. And then we walk across the street to like the pig races and then we go home. It's a good time. It's a lot of fun. Yeah, that sounds terrific. It's totally country. It's like fucking. I am literally going to ask you where it is offline.

It's kind of a hoot. Yeah. This story is from U.S. Today. Missing Florida man found at Sand Plant stuck shoulder deep in mud, officials compared to quicks. He was fucking out there for like 10 days. Dude, he was stuck for so long.

When we were reading this, I was like, what the shit? And I checked the dates on this. It's insane. He said he went missing on Valentine's Day and they didn't find him until the 27th. How is he alive? Genuinely, how did he not die of dehydration? I would imagine you have to drink some of that water. You got to do something.

Because you're in the sand. It's 100% could have been solved ahead of time by a G. G.I. Joe PSA. Thank you. A one G. G. Joe, PSA could have saved this guy. Our generation would have been fine.

Our generation would be like, you got to swim out. Knowing is half the battle. I actually have a shirt. I bought a shirt recently and it's knowing is half the battle and it's got a graph and the graph is 50% over here and it's like knowing. That's fucking so good. I bought a shirt for. That's so good.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we would have known. We knew to stay away from down power lines. Yep. We knew to stay away from Quickss. Yep. Look, Gen X knew how to get out of Quicksand. We knew what to do if you let your house on fire.

We had no idea how to avoid knocking up our girlfriends. That's what we didn't know. Mom, I lit the house on fire. Mom, I both lit the house on fire and knocked up my girlfriend. I need your help. We didn't know how to like avoid teen pregnancy or like not smoke cigarettes. Exactly. Right? But like we definitely knew what to do if there was quicksand.

Hey, so this story has a fucking in the moment update. This from The Intercept. Christy Noam repeatedly claimed ICE deported a cannibal. That was completely made up. Okay. So, Christine Nob just got fired. She just got, like, while we're sitting here. She just got laterally moved, essentially, to a different job. So they're appointing her to another position.

And the position is her being the head of the, like, America's Shield or something like that. So she's basically moving from Homeland Security to be somebody involved in, like, I don't know, like the Americas, something with a different. It's a different job. I don't know if it's less or more stuff that she, but she's not in charge of that anymore. We just found out, there'll be more information later on, but we just found out from a truth.

She found out from a truth in the middle of her speech. That's a great way to learn whether you've been moved laterally. But in this story, she is repeating what she heard. We talked about this last episode that she just repeats what she heard. But she's repeating what she heard. And what she heard, Tom. Oh my God. It was that there was a guy

who they deported who was a cannibal and he was such a cannibal that when they had him locked up he was like eating his own arm. Who believes this? Nobody? Everybody?

The right? I don't know. Seriously, senators were asking him like, so he's just like fucking honking down his own arm. Like, yeah, man. He's going to town on that thing. We're in the adrenachrome times, bro.

Yeah. Like there's nothing stupid enough. They were, Boulbert's asking about Pizza Gates. So nothing is off the table. Yeah. We are in the trash. We are in the trashiest,

stupid. We literally had an open debate about whether or not people were eating cats and dogs in Ohio. Yeah, no, you're not wrong. There's nothing. There's nothing insane anymore that you can do. Like, I mean,

how do you even like, here's a thing, man. We're at a point where somebody's like, no, that guy, he's such a, and it's because one of the, the things that Trump on the campaign trail said all the time was talking about Hannibal the cannibal. Yeah, you're right. Somebody made up a story about cannibals so that Trump could

possibly, do you wonder if it was a top down? Like, guys, make up a story about a cannibal. Just make it up and say a guy said it. And that way it'll give credence and they will stop picking on me about saying cannibal. Maybe. Do you think it's a top down directly? I wonder, are we going to crack open the records and see that cannibal Mement. Invent a cannibal story. I look stupid if there isn't one. I love the idea, though, that somebody's like, okay, well, now we got to embellish it a little. He could be a cannibal, but he can't stop himself. He's got to eat once you get a taste for human flesh. You'll eat any human flesh. He's like a Dean Coons character who can't

stop eating to fuel his power or whatever. Sir, we've captured this undocumented oeroboris. We're going to have to... He's got his own thing as well. He's a figure eight and his foot is in his own mouth. We have no idea where to put the handcuffs. It's very confusing. God, it's so good. We shackled him to himself.

It's so funny. You're just like, like, in order to get him in the cell, you just use his own finger to pull him in there. You just like leave a trail of fingers and he just nom, nom, nombs them down the line. Oh, finger food. Lady fingers. All right, that's going to wrap it up for our goofy show this week.

We'll be back on Monday, and we'll probably have more to know about Christy Noams firing. And we'll talk to you about it then. But nothing will happen. We're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics of creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-babelon bullshit. Couched in Scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quazi alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized,

stereogram, pyramidal, free energy healing, water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment Leo Pisces cancer cures detox reflex reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cars psychic healing crystal balls Bigfoot Yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms Atlantis dolphins truthers birthers wizards wizards Vaccine nuts shame and healers evangelists conspiracy double-speakings stigmata nonsense. Expose your

signs. Thrust your hands, bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. Thanks for tuning in. If you enjoyed the show, consider supporting us on Patreon at patreon.com forward slash

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