Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 91: Father, Werewolf, Holy Eagle

Episode Date: March 17, 2013

Pope’s Address:

Want to stream Cognitive Dissonance to your Android or iPhone? Buy the app! Go to DissonancePod.com and click on the link on the right-hand side of the page. Each purchase helps support the show. It's here that we find something very sinister about monotheism and about religious practice in general. It is incipiently at least, and I think often explicitly, totalitarian. I have no say in this. I am born under a celestial dictatorship which I could not have had any hand in choosing. I don't put myself under

its government. I am told that it can watch me while I sleep. I am told that it can convict me of, here's the definition of totalitarianism thought crime for what i think i may be convicted and condemned and but if i commit a right action it's only to evade this punishment and if i commit a wrong action i'm going to be caught up not just with punishment in life but even after i'm dead in the old testament gruesome as it is recommending as it is of genocide racism tribalism slavery and the displacement and destruction of others terrible as the old testament gods are they don't promise to punish the dead there's no talk of torturing you after the earth has closed over the Amalekites. Only till when gentle Jesus, meek and mild, makes his appearance are those who won't accept

the message told they must depart into everlasting fire. Is this morality? Is this ethics? I submit not only is it not, not only does it come with the false promise of vicarious redemption, but it is the origin of the totalitarian principle which has been such a burden and shame to our species for so long. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended.

The explicit tag is there for a reason. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 91. This is a fucking, this is a very important episode. See,

so this is the episode that we are recording immediately after the Vatican farted white smoke into the air and declared that it has voted on the next infallible person. I love that. I love how they have to have a two-thirds majority for the infallible. It occurred to me that if your guy doesn't win, so you voted for, you're one of the third or whatever, so you voted for another guy. Like, I think it should be George, not, you know, Francis. You are as ultimately

wrong as it is possible to be, right? Because I know how this works. It's not that they just voted on a guy. That would be ridiculous. It's that God guides their hands and hearts to vote for the right person. I think they probably put somebody up in front of everybody and say, what do you think about this guy? And everybody, two and thirds of them that aren't on dialysis machines and fucking passed out in the back raise their hand.

I like to think of it like a dating auction. Yeah. They got these guys like up there. This is in Scotland where the priests are banging other priests. Come on now. They've got the guy up there. They turn around a little bit for us. Turn around.

Show us your butt. Shake it a little. Shake it a little bit for us. Turn around. Show us your butt. Shake it a little. It's one of those slave auctions they do. Shake his teeth? They're lifting up this 75-year-old man's gums. Oh, they're licking under his frock. I want to check out. He's got to have strong legs.

He's got to have strong legs, powerful legs. I like my cardinals with powerful legs. And this is, if that's the case, like the health of the rest of them is deeply in question because those motherfuckers only got one lung. They went from a guy who they put in a place when he's a thousand years old who quit because he's too old. And then they replaced him with a 75 year old man with one lung.

I'm telling you, man, they have a secret laboratory under there where they make RoboPopes. They must. They just implant lungs and they put cybernetics in there. I mean, they're like Cyberdyne Systems models 101. He's got one lung, which is good because the other one didn't have any lung.

They're actually like a whole Wizard of Oz clan. It's like, if I only had a lung. I could walk upstairs if I only had a lung. I could walk nearly a mile if I only had a lung. I could bang a whole host of little boys if I only had a lung. Okay, well, we should probably move on. If he only had some balls. Balls.

Now, hold on. Before we move on, I want to make sure because now this was something that happened right after he was elected. He took a new name. And this is his first address to the Council of Cardinals right after he took his name. And the voice you're going to hear at the very end is Benedict. The name's

Francis Sawyer. But everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis and I'll kill you. Ooh the list buddy and I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you. Lighten up, Francis.

Lighten up, Francis. This is legit. That's actually legit. That's exactly what happened. I would like to see one of them take a name like a WWE name. I'd like to see Pope Gandalf. I'd like to see

Pope Undertaker. Pope Undertaker is good. Pope Stone Cold Steve Austin would work as well. Oh, it's Pope the Big Show. What the fuck's going on? You're all dead. Oh, be nice. Oh, it's Pope the Big Show. What the fuck's going on? You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance.

The whole world's gone gay. Oh my God, what's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Well, see, so there was some controversy when the popes gathered together, as reported by the independent.co.uk. As cardinals gather to elect pope, Catholic officials break into a sweat over news that priests share a 23 million euro building with huge gay sauna. Huge gay sauna. Does nobody vet

anything for this church? They need to have a scout. They just always need to have a junior priest running around, and it should be easy because they're used to running from the older priests. Yeah, right. They have strong legs. They move quickly.

And they have two lungs, so they could run farther. Well, they move quickly, but they're bow-legged from years of abuse. They are bow-legged, admittedly. They've got to scout this shit out. It's like, oh, man, we've got a great deal on this building. Now, hang on. Are there any huge gay saunas in this building? You'd think that'd be on the checklist.

Like, we can't buy a building that has a horror house in it. We can't buy a building that was previously owned by Planned Parenthood. And we can't buy a building with a huge gay sauna. Like, those are the things. You know, like, that's like having a gay wedding chapel in your building. It's like they're going to have their conclave in Vegas. It's like they're going to pick the next pope in Vegas. The pope's on a stripper pole?

All these ancient cardinals are kicking their legs up. They're like, whoa. Frocking it out. Yeah. I guess they had no idea that they were buying a building on a sinkhole like that. They didn't think this one through. You know, and the thing is, is there's probably a secret entrance to the gay sauna for some of these guys. Yeah, the front door. Yeah. Or the back door, is there's probably a secret entrance to the gay sauna for some of these guys. Yeah, the front door.

Yeah. Or the back door, as the case may be. Well, yeah, back door is a better joke. Oh, my gosh. They can't get anything right. Like, lately, it's, you ever have one of those days where, you know, like, you spill coffee on your shirt and, you know, you drop the fucking telephone in the fucking toilet or whatever? Like, everything goes wrong. Yeah, yeah.

The church is having one of those several decades. Yeah, one of those many decades. They're on their fourth decade of abuse and things. The thing I guess, I wouldn't have a – obviously, I don't have a problem with them doing this. I don't care where they have their building or whatever. They paid money for it, and then there's something there. It doesn't bother me. And it shouldn't bother them.

It obviously does, but it shouldn't bother them. The thing is, there's not many buildings. There's a bunch of buildings. There's probably a scandal on any building that you would buy, right? Any block of building that you would buy. There would be some sort of past scandal that you could bring up and say, oh, you bought a building that was this or that or whatever. It leads to – we could go back to the 1700s and be like, oh, it was linked to the slaves or something. There's got to be something in there. But when there's currently a gay – I mean there's currently.

I know. It's happening right now. currently a gay. I mean, there's currently. It's happening right now. Like while you're signing the contract, there's, you know, four or five gay guys walking into a place with a towel on their shoulder. You know, like you got to be like, well, I don't know that. I mean, it wasn't in the disclosures, but it's something I should know. When the realtor described it as fabulous, you should have paused and thought, man. What exactly does he mean by that? This is not the place for us.

Yeah. Who's that guy on the other side of the glory hole? It's Jesus. So, Cecil, this story is from the Sun-Times. As a matter of fact, the Chicago Sun-Times. According to a First Baptist Church preacher of Hammond, Indiana, preacher Jack Schapp, his affair last summer with a 17-year-old girl wasn't wrong. It was destined by Jesus.

Destined by Jesus. Everything 47-year-old dudes want to do with 17-year-old girls, that's destined by Jesus. Pretty much destined by Jesus. That's how you trick the 17-year-old girl. You know, he says, like, this is a quote from one of his letters. In our, quote, fantasy talk, you have affectionately spoken of being my wife. That is exactly what Christ desires for us. He wants us to marry us and become eternal lovers.

How convenient that he wants you to be eternal lovers with the 17-year-old girl you want to be banging. Right. Well, Jesus has my best interest at heart. Really, that's the best part about Jesus, and that's why I love him so much. The article isn't that shocking because she's 17. You're like, well, she's practically an adult here.

I think the part of the article that should irk everyone is that he's using his mainline-to-God status that he has to manipulate this girl's emotions and make her think that this is something that some higher power wants. And she is just supposed to follow the higher power. And I think that there's some alluding to that where she said she felt a little weird about it early, but it was cool because Jesus wanted it. Right. It's always amazing how when you are a shithead who wants to take advantage of your flock, that happens to coincide with exactly what Jesus wants. You're right. Oh, no, don't worry. What Jesus wants is for my dick to be happy. That's what he wants. I talked to him and it was amazing. It was this transcendent spiritual experience. And he was like, man, I could totally help you feed the sick and clothe people, but I really got to make sure your dick's happy first.

My dick would be happier if I had a 17-year-old girl riding it. Sure, sure. Convenient. That's what I want too. I like too that they were saying that he was working 100 hours. That's what he said he was doing. He was working 100 hours. And they're like, the only way he was working 100 hours. That's what he said he was doing, was working 100 hours. And they're like, the only way he was working 100 hours

is if he was basically spending 40 of those hours banging this girl. Well, it's Jesus' work. Oh, yeah, we're going to get down for Jesus' work now. That's right. That's what we call this. Don't worry. It's not me that wants to do that. No, that's Jesus.

I know. You're uncomfortable with this. The safe word is Jesus. The safe word is Jesus. I hope you're as committed to safe sex as you are those abs. I know you're all about that abstinence thing, you know, but I mean, come on, be palin. Are you serious? Like you're not going to hook up with like before you married for real, for real, for real, for real, for real, for real. For real. For real, for real. For real, for real, for real. This story comes from thinkprogress.org. This is actually crazy because this actually dovetails with another story we're going to talk about. Family Research Council. Unmarried people should be denied birth control and punished for having sex.

So the Right Wing Family Research Council put out a crazy missive by one of their senior nut fellows, Pat Fagan. And he says something basically that, you know, hey, people shouldn't have contraception because it means that we're as a society condoning the activity of sex without marriage, sex without procreation. sex without marriage, sex without procreation? What's the use of contraception if not to give people, young people, the tacit permission to go out and fuck around without having children out of wedlock? So that's why he's saying contraception, no dice. Shouldn't have it. Yeah, and that completely ignores the fact that some women get on contraception because of hormonal issues, right? Of course.

I mean, that completely ignores it. It has no medical value. It completely ignores the medical facts that are behind contraception. But even still, let's take it at face value and say that he's right, that it gives people license to have sex. Well, the benefit of that is that it gives people license to have sex without consequences, right? The benefit of that is that it gives people license to have sex without consequences. I mean you're allowed to have sex, but then there's no child that gets born out of this, and that is helpful to young people because then they're not stuck being parents when they're children. So that's a benefit.

But they don't like that idea because they don't want anybody to have sex. So what they say is, and I'm going to quote here, he says, what this court case said was that young people have the right to engage in sex outside of marriage. Society never gave young people that right. Functioning societies don't do that. They stop it. They punish it. They corral people. They shame people. They do whatever. And so this, I think, dovetails really nicely with another story that we covered this week that we posted on Facebook that you posted on Facebook earlier this week that talks about a Pakistani soldier who has been stoned to death over his romance and his girlfriend may be shot. In Pakistan, a soldier was killed because he had relations and romance, was in a romance with a young, with a girl. He's 27. She was 19. Nothing fucking scandalous there.

Right? I mean, it's two young adults that are, you know, they're not married, but they're in a romantic affair and they get killed because of it. I mean, is this what we want? Because you're saying they punish it. Well, here's an example of taking, you know, a holy book to the final degree to bring it to, to bring it to life. You're basically saying this holy book rules our life. This holy book, we're basically going to read it and we're going to say that everything in this holy book is true and everything, every

punishment that they dole out, we should dole out. And you're in a society in a year, you know, we're in the 2000s now and you're killing people for having a romantic encounter when they're both adults. You're killing them with

rocks. I know. It's already insulting. Like, this is literally Stone Age technology. Yeah. More Stone Age than stones. Yeah, no, really. When you're using stones as your murder weapon, like, what are we going to kill them with? Man, we have a lot of options.

It's 2013, but let's hit the way back machine, do a little retro murder action. It's a blast from the past. This is time for some groovy tracks. We're going to hit them with rocks. I mean, this guy says, I mean, you read it, you know, society never gave young people that right. The right to use their bodies. That's not a right society has to give bodies. That's not a right society has to give me. That's not a right society can take away from me. It's my fucking body to do what I

want. As long as everybody consents, everybody's of age, everybody consents, I can do whatever I want with this thing. I can tattoo it. I can decorate it. I can fucking get a Sharpie. I can fuck somebody with it. I can get fucked with it. I can do what I want with it. It's my body. I don't need society's fucking permission. But these tight ass religious nut jobs that want to restrict everybody's freedom, you know, they want to say like, hey, this is a right society hasn't given. And he says functioning societies don't do that. So you're basically saying that the Pakistani tribal law society, that that is a more functional society, a society that is going to shoot this girl and stone this dude. That's not more dysfunctional than, say, somebody having sex with his girlfriend. Well, what does he want? That's the thing. I'm just curious.

Like, what do you want? Do you want to follow a biblical version of the Sharia? Do you want to take the Holy Bible, the King James version, look at it and follow that as closely as the countries, the certain countries over there follow their Sharia law when they follow the Koran. Is that what you want to do? Because if that's what you want to do, I guarantee that there is something in there that is going to have something to say about what happens when you have premarital sex. I know it has stuff to say about homosexuals.

For sure. Homosexuals would be, you know, they would be, you know, we say, we would say that they would either be put to death or something. Some sort of punishment would have to happen to them. You know, premarital sex, I'm sure, falls into the exact same. Somebody in there is pissed off about premarital sex. You know what I mean? For certain. Like somebody in there is mad about it. It's a big book.

They're mad about everything. You'll be able to find somebody. Yeah. You'll be able to find somebody yeah you'll be able to find somebody so the fact is is that you're gonna wind up with uh with some sort of law that could either injure or imprison people for it is that what you want do you want to look at your daughter and be like you shouldn't have had sex now you have to go to jail i mean really that's the kind of world you want to live in really what you want to say, I don't want fucking contraception because it fucking fucks with my stupid fucking ideas with when a baby is created.

It makes me fucking, it makes my brain hurt, and it makes my soul hurt, and it makes me cry weepy tears when a fucking zygote gets flushed out of somebody. So I want to fucking ruin everybody else's life because of my stupid goddamn book and how much I have to adhere to it. Well, fuck you. This guy's pro-shame. Yeah. How do you—you know when friends with salad? You know when friends with shame? Like nobody's on the pro-shame bandwagon.

Pro-shame circuit. Right. Nobody's like, oh, you know what? I ashamed? Like nobody's on the pro-shame bandwagon. Pro-shame circuit. Right. And nobody's like, oh, you know what? I got this great plan. It's going to work. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to restrict the sexual rights of young people. And then we're going to shame them.

Who wants to play? We already have the shame game. It's called high school. Right. No kidding. You know what I mean? Like you don't need to shame kids more than high school does. Look, I'm a 35-year-old man.

I have sex, and I'm still ashamed. You know? Every time. Yeah. I'm not ashamed, but I know my wife is. It's just a nonstop series of apologies. Yeah. It's just a nonstop series of apologies. Yeah.

That's what, no, Tom, it's just a lot of crying, really. It's really all it is. I send her both a thank you card and a my condolences. Yeah, no, the condolences comes first. Oh, no, it's the thank you that comes first. So we're going to take a short break, give you some information on how to contact us, and then we're going to come back with some really fucking stupid, crazy stories. Want to contact Cognitive Dissonance?

Visit them on Facebook. You can find the link at the website Dissonancepod.com or type it in the Facebook search bar. Be sure to follow the guys on Twitter. Their handle is at dissonance underscore pod. The guys also post to Google Plus now too, so check them out there. And if you'd like to email them, you can do so at dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. You can also leave a comment on the blog at their webpage or give them a call at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Long distance rates apply.

And to everyone who listens, shares, retweets, or rates the show, Cognitive Dissonance would like to cordially thank you for all of your fucking support. thank you for all of your fucking support. So Cecil, this next story is from news.com.au Jesus was a shapeshifter! Ancient text reveals, comma, and I love the way this is written,

and an eagle. And an eagle. He says he's a shapeshifter and an eagle. It's not like he's a shapeshifter and an eagle. It's not like he's a shapeshifter who shifted into the shape of an eagle. No, no. It's that he is also an eagle. And this is important to note.

He is simultaneously Jesus the man, Jesus the shapeshifter, and Jesus the eagle. That's the Holy Trinity. It is. And the eagle is on top. The eagle is on top. So you have to, yeah, that's because it's perched up there on the top of the cross.

So when you do the sign of the cross, the eagle is what you say when you go to the top of it. Father werewolf, holy eagle. Werewolf. Lycanthrope. I would love to see a totem pole with like Jesus on the bottom and like a werewolf in the middle and just an eagle sitting on the top. One of those, one of those Native American eagles

that are all droopy faced, sort of looking out. And this is where we get the emails from people like, you know, actually in a totem pole, the bottom part of the pole is the most important. Yeah, I got it. You know, it just doesn't work to the joke. It doesn't work to the joke that way. It doesn't work to the joke. Please. Thank you for your corrections. We pre-thank you for your corrections on the totem pole joke. I think eagle is just one of the many forms that he can take. I actually asked Hillbilly God earlier what Jesus could turn into, and he had this to say. He said, Jesus could turn into a lot of things. He could turn into a muskrat. He could turn into. And he had this to say. He said, Jesus could turn into a lot of things.

He could turn into a muskrat. He could turn into a turtle. He could turn into a manatee. He could turn into a porcupine, an armadillo, a buffalo, a condor, a platypus, a cockroach, a dolphin, and a beagle. He could turn into all those things. A beagle. A beagle.

Somehow that's the best one. The beagle's the last. He saved the best for last. Oh, my God. You know, according to this article. You can't go coon hunting without a beagle, Tom. You can't. You actually can't.

Because who's going to bay? Yeah. You know? I mean, who's going to bay? It's got to be Jesus. He's, you know, running around. He loves a good raccoon hunt. Absolutely.

And sometimes at the end of it, he'll turn into a manatee. Just on the land. It's the end of the raccoon hunt and you're like, my beagle is just a flopping manatee. Why is it a manatee? Now it's a dolphin. Wait a minute. Jesus, get a hold of yourself. Would you stop shape-shifting? Just keep a shape. Maybe what happened was when he broke the bread, he turned into the fish. He turned into the fish.

Well, you know he's a shape-shifter because he can turn his body into wine. And then if you're Methodist, he can turn the wine into grape juice. He can turn the wine into non-alcoholic wine. He can unferment it. That's fucking awesome. I love, too, that they say the translation. I want to read part of this translation. They're talking about how basically Judas had to go kiss Jesus because of these.

And I like the way that this is written, too, because it's written after a long time after the death of Christ. So it's an Egyptian's written after – a long time after the death of Christ, right? So it's an Egyptian text that's written a long time after the death of Christ. And it's, I think, people just trying to make sense of these stories, right? They're reading these stories in the Bible or hearing these stories through oral tradition, and they're trying to make sense of it. And I think this is a perfect example of that. He says – this is when Judas had to go up and kiss him. example of that. He says, this is when Judas had to go up and kiss him. It says that the Jews said to Judas, how will we arrest Jesus? For he does not have a single shape, but his appearance changes. Sometimes he is ruddy. Sometimes he is white. Sometimes he is red. Sometimes he is wheat

colored. Sometimes he is pallid. And sometimes he is a youth. Sometimes an old man. I wonder about the youth part here. Now that we're getting into the church stuff. Oh, no. The youth part and the old man part. Maybe you're just seeing something you're not supposed to. I don't know. Maybe there was problems all the way back then that they had with youth.

Perhaps it was a premonition. This proves that the Bible's correct. Oh, my gosh. He foresaw the coming of the priests and the boys. I mean, you know, they're saying maybe sometimes he's white, sometimes he's red, sometimes he's wheat colored, sometimes he's pallid. Maybe he just got hives a lot.

He's just very sick. Or sunburned. He's always sickly. He's just a pale guy who gets progressively more tan to sunburn back to tan back to sunburn it's like oh he's kind of white like a ghost he's oh no he's no he's getting darker no he's darker now darker oh no full-on red somebody gotta show me put him under an umbrella okay now his palette again he's like hyper colored put some spf 50 on that guy what the fuck you touch he's like hyper color you touch his side and there's like a handprint of like purple on his side.

That's a 90s joke for you kids out there. Back in my day, we had shirts that changed color for no reason. Actually, there was a reason. Your fucking armpits were sweaty. It was heat. The reason was heat. It was heat. God, those were a bad idea.

Why did those exist? Everybody, when they walked out of gym, all their armpits were all different colors. God. And then you could just see, like, if you did get to touch a girl, you got to see your handprint on her. So then everybody would just be like, you're going to get in trouble for that. Somebody's squeezing a titty. What's going on there? What the fuck?

It's groping evidence. Why do you want to be walking around with evidence that somebody be touching you? Yeah, man. That would be a great punk to do to a bunch of people, though. Like if you're a girl, just, you know, like you're holding your own boobs. And then you walk away, there's two big hand marks on your chest there. In the name of Jesus, we speak that. In the name of Jesus, we speak that.

In the name of Jesus, we speak that. In the name of Jesus, we speak that. So this next story is from TheBlaze.com Thanks Glenn, back Three real life miracles that took place on the set of The Bible For those of you who don't know The Bible is a really stupid thing that they're showing on the History Channel The History Channel right now is basically just aliens in World War II. Like, that's all that it is.

Anyway, the Bible is like a fucking miniseries thing. And how many times has this been done? I know. Why is this even news? I know. It's like, we're going to do an adaptation of the Bible. Oh, wow. You're the first one who thought of that.

Yeah. Nobody's done that before. Yeah, no kidding, right? Wow. So anyway, they're claiming that there were three miracles, Cecil. Let's go over these three miracles. Let's do it. As they were filming a scene depicting Jesus Christ speaking with Nicodemus,

a priest and a central character in the Book of John, an intriguing thing happened, Cecil. Intriguing. There was a windy time. Yeah, but it was only windy for 20 seconds. Yeah, about 20 seconds of wind in the desert. Yeah. That's the first miracle.

That's a miracle. A windy moment in the desert. No, I think we can attribute this to some saint, St. Windy. St. Windy? Okay, so that one's attributable. Okay, so what's the next one? Yeah, I went to St. Wendy's for dinner tonight. It was delicious.

They have a crispy chicken sandwich that's just wonderful. I got a holy double stack. Oh, there you go. None of those fucking devil onions, though. They'll fucking ruin your breath. The second miracle is even more astounding. Astounding. It's unbelievable.

So they're in the desert, and they have a snake wrangler. And you know what the snake wrangler found in the desert? Snakes. Snakes. How many snakes, though? I mean, that's the miracle, Tom. The miracle is 48 snakes. 48 snakes, yeah.

In the desert. Yeah, we can attribute this one to St. Venom. St. Venom. So we're good on that. What they needed was St. Patrick. Well, no, St. Patrick would have just chased them away. That's true. Yeah.

He had to catch them. This guy has to catch them. Well, no, St. Patrick would have just chased him away. That's true. Yeah. He had to catch him. This guy has to catch him. Yeah. And evidently, they needed a snake wrangler, so they must have, the real miracle was that they already knew

they were going to have this miracle. Yeah, the real miracle is that nobody got fucking bit. Like, that's the real miracle. What they should have done is they should have called

those fucking lunatics who fucking juggle snakes or whatever. Yeah, you know, they should have got is that one guy who got pissed off that his snakes got taken a couple months ago. He would have been thrilled. He would have been like, fucking 48 snakes. I hit the jackpot, the snake jackpot. They should put a sign up.

They should put the snakes in a big box. Put a sign on the road like free puppies. Put like a rainbow in there. Like a rainbow going in there like it's like a pot of gold. Here's your... Get your snakes. Get your free snakes here. Stuff them all into peanut cans? Some people want to put them...

It's like, oh, I thought it would be a comical spring snake. Yeah, it would be hilarious. But it's not. It's a rattlesnake. I've won a trip to the hospital. It's a free trip to the hospital. What's the last miracle? Test your health insurance.

The next miracle is perhaps the most astounding. A piece of a costume floated away probably on that mystery wind, the Jesus wind. Right. And later, a kid returned it to them. I think it was a hat because this is St. Haberdasher. St. Haberdasher. On Haber, on Dasher. These are their miracles.

No, no, there was more too because actually I was curious about this. So I contacted this guy by phone, and I wanted to talk to him. I said, you know, like, were there any other miracles that didn't get reported? And he said, yes, there was. So I'm going to read a couple more to you. He says, on the day that they were shooting the Sermon on the Mount, the actor who played Jesus wanted a tuna fish sandwich. And the catering guy said that they were all out. And then when he went back to the van, he found a tuna fish sandwich.

Whoa. And so that's a miracle. Also, when they were shooting The Last Supper, a light went out. So that's a miracle. And then the last one was when they were shooting the scene with Judas, somebody on the tech crew wound up getting a text and they didn't notice it until later. And they noticed that their phone was on silent, but they swear that they didn't put their

phone on silent. So that's a miracle, too. I'm a believer. So there's I mean, it's this fucking this set is just crawling with miracles. This is, you know, of all the things God could spend his time on, this is clearly the most important part. He's like, man, there's fucking starving

children, but I'm going to make it windy. I know. He doesn't say starving child. It's like, I've got options here. I've got options. You know, I've got several million people across the world that are starving, but I'm going to make it windy for less time than the average commercial break in the desert. 20 seconds worth of wind.

20 seconds worth of wind. You're like, he's exhausted. He's like, I made the world in fucking six days. Had to calm down. I just haven't been the same since. It's a God fart. That's what it was. It was just a little God passing gas. It's a God fart. That's what it was. It was just a little God passing gas.

It's a God fart? That's all it was. Just like a little fart worth of gas. It blows through the desert really quickly. I love the idea that they're like calling these things miracles. Like really? You don't understand the word miracle. Like you didn't even think about it.

You didn't even plan that. Like really? You didn't even look it up. It's just a quirky little thing that happens because you know what? Quirky little things happen. If you pay attention to things, you will find a thing that you didn't expect to happen because the world's full of variables. You know, when you were telling me about the miracle during the Sermon on the Mount, it would have been a better miracle if he pitched a no-hitter while he was up there. Yeah.

Like, that would have been. The Sermon on the Mount. On the pitcher's mound. Hey. Pitcher's mound. Mound. Not mound. It's not the Sermon on the Mound.

He's given the Sermon on the Mound. Don't even know sports well enough to make a good sports joke. I don't know at all. I don't know. It sounded similar. It's very similar, Tom. It's very similar. You should give me credit for no hit.

No, it's good. It's good. You get credit. I think that's a thing. I chuckled. And you know what a no hitter was, even though you probably don't know what it is. You just know it's a thing. I presume nobody gets a hit.

I mean, that's kind of it. I am not a bright one. That's kind of it. But the no a bright one. That's kind of it. But the no-hitter. Which team doesn't get the hit, though? What's that? Which team is it? Well, the one who's not, the one who's batting.

The one who's not hitting. Right. No, the one who's batting. Don't make me come over there. Yeah. Look, I said a sports. Is it? I'm randomly smelling roses in the house and...

That's your grandmother. Does she have a message for me of any kind? Yeah, she's sending you roses to tell you she's there. Thank you very much. Yeah. This next woman's face, what they did with this image, Tom, is they scrunched it down. So she kind of looks like she's got the Hulk's frame. She does have some fucking wide-ass shoulders.

She does. That's because the thing's been scrunched. Do you know what I mean? The picture isn't the correct aspect ratio, so her head looks like a pumpkin. So this story is from bustedinacadiana.com. Why is this a thing? What is Acadiana? What's happening here?

I have no idea. Louisiana psychic accused of taking $10,000 to clean woman's curse. This woman, April Stevens, allegedly told her victim that money was the root of all evil. And she fixed that evil as a fortune teller by just taking $10,000 of her money. Right. To cleanse the money. She's going to cleanse it. She's going to make it cleaner money.

And by cleaner, she means more in her pocket. Right. She was going to take it. She must have told the woman that in order to launder the money, she actually had to launder the money. She actually had to literally launder the money. Like put it in a washer with holy water and pray over it.

And then it takes the woman two months. No, it was more than that. She says several months here. It says the woman's money was supposed to be returned to her after it had been purified. But after several months, she hadn't returned the money. Then she gives back a portion of it, and she says she's going to get more. Like, she said, fucking totally spent your money.

It's just gone. Yeah. Like, do you really think she, like, rubbed fucking crystals on it or something? Your money was, if you don't want the money, get rid of it by spending it on goods and services. That's what the rest of us do with our money. I mean, look, I don't have any fucking money. Because when I get a money, I spend the money. Yeah.

It could be as tainted as it wants to be. It's still like, I'm in your account. You're like, no, I'm more. Spend a bill. Pay the bill. You're out of my account. Dirty ass fucking money. Bye-bye. Here's the thing. Here's what bill. Paid a bill. You're out of my account. Dirty ass fucking money. Bye-bye.

Here's the thing. Here's what I don't get about this. And this is why I think, you know, I think it's an awful thing. I'm not trying to laugh at the person who fucking had this happen to them. Because obviously they were duped and they believe this stuff. And it's a shame that they believe this stuff. I mean, it's a shame that somebody goes through life and they think that, you know, evil spirits are a thing and they've been sold a bill of goods about this for, you know, probably their entire life about

evil spirits and how it can affect your life and yada, yada, yada. Obviously she's going to see a psychic or he's going to see a psychic. So there's, there's, you know, they have a belief system going into this that is years in the making. And it's sad. It's very sad that somebody is duped like this. It's sad every time someone's duped like this. But the thing that I don't get is why not just, like you said, just put the money, like, okay, this money in particular is haunted or whatever, whatever it is that you're saying. Why can't I just put that money in the bank?

And then it's in the fucking haunted bank. I know. Who cares? Like, it's in my account still. Or, how about this? I turn it into a fucking money market account. And then the money market account is haunted then. But I'm not. Like, or you spend it on a fucking brand new whatever.

Now that, is that thing then haunted? Like, I guess... It's haunted by proxy. I mean, it's just... was you bought it with haunted money. You paid for it with ghost money. Yeah. The ghost the ghost transfers. It's like title, you know, like it transfers over. You know, you're like you're trying to buy.

And then the problem. Imagine if you had the misfortune of using your your haunted money to buy food, then you would eat haunted food. And if you are what you eat, then you're haunted. Yeah. food. Then you would eat haunted food. And if you are what you eat, then you're haunted. Yeah, but wouldn't you just shit that food out eventually? And then. That'd be haunted poo. You got a haunted sewer system.

Your toilet's growling at you in the middle of the night. My toilet's already growling at me. That's just the echo of me going to the bathroom. Do you remember Ghostbusters when she opens the fridge and there's fucking Zool in it? Yeah. She bought the groceries with haunted money. That's what happened. I mean, it's obviously the case. I feel sorry for people that this happens to, but at the same time, you've got to wonder

about somebody like this. I mean, if it wasn't going to be a psychic, was it just going to be somebody else? I mean, weren't they just going to buy fucking $10,000 worth of fucking Shamwiles or something? I mean, they were going to be somebody else? I mean, weren't they just going to buy fucking $10,000 worth of fucking Shamwiles or something? I mean, they were going to be had somehow. Yeah, you know, the problem obviously,

and we've talked about this a million times before, is that these non-critical belief systems reinforce. Like they reinforce victimhood. They basically, they train you up in how to be stolen from. Your whole life you're giving money to invisible people when you tie it to the church.

I've got to give this money up to God. What's God going to do with it? You didn't give it to God. You gave it to the church. The church spent it on fucking a picnic. That's what you did. You bought a picnic table. You didn't give your money up to God God don't need your money But you know these belief systems

And I'm not saying this is Obviously the psychic is a little different But it's the same thing It's an imaginary belief system So you know you got You took your real money and you gave it to This woman and she stole it Yeah but if this woman had an email account, she would have got 419 scammed.

She would have gotten 419. You know what I mean? Like easily 419. Absolutely. Because if you're willing to give away, somebody's like, I got to take your money and cleanse it and I'm going to have it for a long time. Well, can't you cleanse it here? No, no. It's got to go somewhere else and it's got to go through my cleansing channels and I've got to get people on it.

I've got people. I have psychic firefighter hoses. I mean, really, I feel like this person's probably going to be duped no matter what. And that's sad in general because the person didn't develop any critical thinking skills. But it's sad that you're right, that there's this level of credibility that – I guess credulity. These people are just – they're just credulous people. And they're having a hard time putting together what's reality and what's not. And then they wind up – I mean $10,000 is not a fucking insubstantial sum.

I would fucking – I would do some pretty awful things for $10,000. I would do some pretty awful things for $10,000. So I could imagine losing $10,000 and being really fucking furious. So that's not an insubstantial amount of money at all. And is this an old person, does it say? Maybe. Because the only thing, too, is you think about it. Who has $10,000 actual dollars? Sure, in dollars, yeah.

I get a money, and it just shows up as a number on my computer. I look at the computer. It's like, how many monies do I have? I don't have the actual money. Right. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar.

Allahu Akbar. This story is from english.org. Fucking nailed that one, man. Boom. Nailed it. Saudi Arabia, this is a sad story, may stop beheading due to swordsman shortages. Man. No, no, they didn't grow a conscience.

No. They're just out of swordsmen. That just makes me sad. I just love to see those heads roll. I'm just a fan of heads rolling. It just makes me sad. I just love to see those heads roll. I'm just a fan of heads rolling. One of the best parts of this article is how they're talking about how the solution seems practical, especially in light of shortages in official swordsmen or their belated arrival.

So they're basically showing up to work late. If you live in a country that beheads people, tardiness is not recommended. No, no, not at all. And really, if you're a swordsman, do you have so much work to do that you're like... You're like opening champagne bottles for people. No, you're not. You're in an Islamic country. They can't even drink the...

It's like sparkling juice bottles. You wake up in the morning like oh oh no oh no i totally had to be heading what time is it oh it's 8 45 where's my sword there's some there's some poor schlep sitting on the ground kneeling waiting for you to show up it like looks up at the other guys like you you know, this is just rude. We had an appointment. The guy like walks in. He's all, oh, fuck. I brought donuts, guys.

I'm real sorry. Fucking traffic on the fucking 409 or whatever. That's the Tom Curry, man. I did that all the time. You're like an hour late. You show up with five minutes worth of donuts. Like, ooh, got you guys some donuts. Took me one hour one hour that's totally worth the six dollars you paid for donuts too nobody can be mad if they're cramming a fucking

donut down their face hole that's all i'm saying that's why they feed the guy on the ground the donuts and he doesn't even care when he gets beheaded he's just he's covered in lard and frosting and he's just happy. He's just dying happy. This guy you'd think would be fine with it. You know, he's like, I'm going to fucking show up late. I'm good with that. It's all good. Man.

Although it kind of sucks to be. I'd be trying to convince him there were better job opportunities, you know? Like, I got my fucking head down. I'm like, I got a guy. I got a guy. You have any special skills? You know? You look like a sharp guy.

We could use you in my line of work. A a guy. You have any special skills? You know, you look like a sharp guy. We could use you in my line of work. A sharp guy? You know, the thing is that they are running out of swordsmen, I think, because it's difficult to chop people. I mean, that's not an easy job. Like, you have to be, you have to have good aim. You have to be strong. You know, and not only do you need to be strong. So, you know, I mean, you obviously have to lift.

But to be a swordsman there with that many executions, you should have some good cardio too, because you're going to have to be cutting those heads off many in a row. Next. Next. Jeez, this job is such a grind. Well, it says in this article they killed, they beheaded 76 people. Yeah, man. In 2012. 76 people. They actually say in this thing that that is according to their official figures. Human Rights Watch put it at 69. Human Rights Watch said it was less. Their officials are like, no, no, no.

We fucking cut off more heads than that. They're like happy and proud about it. We're correcting Amnesty International up. Yeah, they're proud about it. Like, no, no, we've beheaded more motherfuckers than that. You are absolutely mistaken. And is this not a lucrative career opportunity that the kids are flocking to these days? You know, it's sad to see these traditions go by the wayside.

It really is. You know, we don't have some of the traditional job opportunities here in America. You know, like the United Auto Worker. It used to be that was like generations of auto workers. I have to imagine swordsmen. Is nobody growing up to follow in their father's footsteps and be a brutal executioner? No, man. And, you know, another one that's going out of the way is court jesters.

Just gone. You can't find a herald to save your life anymore dance for me you motley fool court jesters village idiots those are hard to find the town crier town crier yeah i cry in almost every town but nobody pays me for it difficult it's you know what they need to do is they need to get some distance learning i think part of the problem cecil is that you know these these four-year swordsman beheading degrees are just too onerous. It's a lot of work. You know?

It's tough. It's a lot of work. It's like swords maintenance 101, sword maintenance 102. You got to take like hatcheting 096, like the introduction to hatchets, like sharpening your sword. I mean, that takes... And then there's all those classes about what can go wrong during a whole V-heading. And then you have to learn the opposite of CPR.

Yeah, and then the two-chop kill. That's a whole class. The two-chop kill. That's a whole class. I mean, you're basically a paper cutter. Right? Like, you're a giant paper cutter that just clips people's noggins off. That's what you do. Your job is to go shunk.

Like, that's it. Yeah. You take a sharp thing and you make it go downward. You know, the French made a machine for that. You could probably, I don't know, maybe find the plans for one somewhere and just guillotine people. Do you think when the guillotine was invented, somebody looked at it and was like, they're replacing all of us with robots. Fucking machines taking

our jobs. Pretty soon they're going to send this thing overseas. They're going to outsource it. Outsource our head shopping. Pretty soon I won't even be able to wear this black mask anymore, damn it. Does this uniform mean nothing to you people?

I used to wear it with pride. I used to be in this black mask with this huge, huge gut and no shirt and fucking falling down drawers. And now look at me. I'm still the same thing just without the black mask. I just don't have the mask on. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers? I think I'm entitled to them. You want answers! I want the truth!

You can't handle the truth! And this story is from The Raw Story. Concerned Minnesota Man explains how butt enzymes cause AIDS. I've got to read part of this.

Speaking before a state house committee, which is voting soon on a gay marriage bill, concerned Minnesotan and father and husband, Mike Fry, presented his version of how gay men contract AIDS. I'm not going to read the whole thing. When ejaculation occurs inside of a colon, it is highly absorbent material.

The cells do not have a barrier for the sperm, and those enzymes get into the blood flow. When those enzymes enter into the blood flow and a continued and prolonged environment to that happens. Yes, he said that. What does that even mean? I don't know. These enzymes into blood flow, it causes what we know as AIDS. AIDS, of course, brings upon common diseases, colds and things.

Oh, I hate when you get the AIDS cold. Oh, that's a rough one. You gotta take a lot of zinc to get rid of the AIDS cold. And if you watch the video, there's a part of this where he starts talking about how there's like a group of gay people started erupting these boils in another city and they had to put cream on them and it cost a lot of money.

And that's why Minnesota can't do this because it'll cost a lot of money. Not because he's against gays. Right. No. They never have anything against the gays. They just don't want to spend the money curing random butt enzyme boils. Butt enzyme boils are hard to cure. It costs us.

It's a big thing, zinc, and it costs a lot. You know, this is from the raw story. I would say that this story could have been better, you know, if the raw story would have used a little more lube. It wouldn't be as raw. It wouldn't be as raw. You know what I mean? It would be a little less raw.

There's a, you know, the interesting part, too, is he's talking about, he's like, when there's ejaculation in a vagina, it's totally fine. Because there's a barrier, blah, blah, blah. But when I ejaculate in a, when ejaculation occurs in a colon, well, okay, fine. Well, what about lesbian women getting married? Shh, shh. Like, is that not allowed then? Like, because I, I mean, I don't know which one's going to fuck the other one in the ass. I'm still waiting to find out how they're going to fuck each other in the ass and ejaculate.

Ejaculate? Now, they could probably fuck each other in the ass with some sort of help. But the ejaculation part is the part that's going to be a little more difficult. I don't know how that's going to happen. Now, the Blaze may call that a miracle, and I would certainly agree. But really, you know, and the other thing too is like why I can't fuck my

wife in the ass? Like, I'm married to a woman. I'm not allowed to fuck her in the ass then? Because I'm going to give her a, she's going to give me a butt enzyme or something? You're going to have butt enzymes. Like what? Are you fucking serious, dude? You get to dictate how I'm going to have sex with someone? Well, I mean, there's anti-sodomy laws.

I mean, you're not like, it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight. Like sticking one in the pooper is a bad call. And still in many states. Well, he said in the mouth too. Right. Yeah. Sodomy is basically anything other than like eyes closed, dark room, missionary position, heads turned to the side in disgust. Heads turned to the side, praying the whole time.

I'm so sorry, Jesus. So sorry, Jesus. So sorry, Jesus. Oh, God. Why did they let this guy speak? I have no idea. The state house committee in Minnesota has nothing better to do than to listen. They're just like, well well he showed up in a suit

yeah he's in a suit he's just some dude he's just some random I'm a concerned citizen no dude you're the village idiot we were talking about in the last story that just shows up somewhere and just like hey guys I have an opinion shut up Ted shut up right this guy

I mean for fuck's sake this causes what we know as AIDS. AIDS brings on a common cold. AIDS brings on a common cold. That's why people get a cold, because of AIDS. This is so stupid. It's like the whole gay plague thing is so far gone. And look, I'm not going to, I mean, it's absolutely true that you can, there's a better chance of getting, contracting HIV through anal sex than there is through vaginal sex.

It's totally true. But you could still get it through, I mean, you could still get it through having sex with, you know, with a penis and a vagina here. Okay. Sure. You can get it. You can get it in many ways. You only get, you know, like the other thing too is like, well, you know, what are you going to, what's going to happen when somebody gets AIDS from a dirty needle?

You know what I mean? Like that's a way in which to get AIDS. Well, yeah, but that needle was infected with butt enzymes. The thing is that it's probably caused by a homosexual intravenous butt user. Butt user, that's right. Who injects the illegal drugs. Like, he probably injects the marijuana. Yeah, the marijuana.

The reefers. He's got a whole syringe full of reefers. He's got a syringe of... So when they're all hopped up on goofballs... Yeah, this guy... What a dipshit you walk in there So when they're all hopped up on goofballs. Yeah, this guy, what a dipshit. You walk in there and talk about your butt enzymes. You're a butt enzyme, you jag off.

You couldn't be any less educated about how things happen. I know. Can you imagine it says in here that he's a concerned Minnesotan and father and husband. Can you imagine his kids are just like, dad, shut your fucking mouth, dude. Just be quiet. No. You know, dad's talking to the Minnesota State House Committee again. There's always going to be people that are going to be against homosexuality.

That's just going to happen. But there's going to be a rate of change in this country that's already happening. I mean, we can already see it happening that the young people are getting out there voting in more and more states. That's just like, it's blinking on like lights as, as the sun goes down. You know what I mean? Like on, on our state, on our states, you just see one pop up another one, another one, another one. And pretty soon you're not going to be able to go anywhere in this country and not have a legally recognized marriage, whether you're a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or a man and a woman. You know what I mean? Like it's just not going to be, nobody's going to think anything different of it.

But there's always going to be jagoffs like this that want to try to make some sort of stupid argument that appeals to, you know, they're trying to appeal to the level at which people have a fear of a disease. So they're appealing to that using completely bullshit arguments to try to bolster their position when really all it comes down to is the only reasons you can actually be against homosexuality. There's three. One, my religion told me so, and who gives a fuck what your religion told you? That's what your religion told you, not me. Shut up, okay?

So that's number one, shut up. Number two, I think it's kind of icky. Yeah, dude, well, I think fucking full-sleeve tattoos are kind of icky, but I don't tell people to cover up their arms when they have a full-sleeve tattoo, so that one's right out of there, okay? And the only other one is

it makes my fucking pants get a little bigger when I see two homos going at it. And it makes me feel like I feel dirty or weird about it. Well, that's your problem. Get over it. So those are the only three reasons and they're really easily fucking dismissed. So, you know, there's no other

logical reason to be against homosexuality. You know, if it makes you feel icky, great. You know what? I don't care. Shut up. Eggnog makes me feel icky. Yeah. You know, like Eggnog's disgusting. That is a disgusting

fluid made from evil. Made from butt enzymes. It is butt enzymes. That's actually why it's disgusting. Sure. It's like liquid AIDS. It's liquid AIDS. It'll give you a cold if you drink it. It is butt enzymes. That's actually why it's disgusting. It's like liquid AIDS. It's liquid AIDS. It'll give you a cold if you drink it. If you drink it. So we got a couple of voicemails, Tom.

I'm going to play them now. We got one from Kevin. We got one from Hillbilly Jesus. And we got one from Andrew. And to Andrew, we would like to say to you, hail and well met, sir. Bip, bip. And then we're going to play it. Whatever.

Hello, guys. My name is Kevin. I'm a Brit who lives in Wisconsin, of all places. And you're requested to find the hillbilly English accent, I feel I have to respond to it. I'm from London myself, but the people who we follow as being stupid are people from Devon, people from Cornwall,

and they have a West Country, the farmer, farmer child is the way they're The father, father-child is the way they're referred to. And they will speak something like this. You are right in me. Right? So how's it going? Is everything all right? Yeah, it's fine. How are you doing with the sheep then? Well, the sheep

are all right, you know. I've got to wear the velitons, because that's where you put your legs in the velitons, and you can grab all of them right nice and uh the trouble is when you're doing that

if you wear the boots you can't kiss them anyway um yes those are references to you know

bestiality are often uh uh referenced that's all anyway I love your show

I think it's fantastic I listen to it very often I um get in my car a lot referenced. That's all. Anyway, I love your show. I think it's fantastic. I listen to it very often. I get in my car a lot and I listen to your... I still like... Keep up the good work. Fantastic stuff. Oh, oh, oh,

here's one for you. What is it? What the fuck? Conservable bloody video? All right, thanks. Thanks a lot. Bye. Hey, guys, it's your old time Jesus.

Gotta say, you got your heaven accent down pretty damn well. Just call and chime in on the glory hole question one of your fans had a couple episodes ago. You see, I'm an omnipresent deity, and it's a bit like Schrodinger's cat. I exist in a superposition of states on both sides of the worry hole. It's only once you observe me that you know which side I'm on. Now remember, I'm also an omnipotent deity. So if you're on the sucking end, get ready for a bucket of Jesus cheese.

Bye! Hail and well met, gentlemen. Cecil, Tom, this is Andrew. I have been listening to your podcast now for probably over a month. I have listened backwards, in order, all

the way back to, I'm just about to listen to episode one from 90 on down. Well, actually from 87 on down, I went to 90. I have so little time and so much to say. You guys are wonderful. I myself am a spiritual,

but not a very religious person at all. I think the more you can destroy organized religion, the better the world will be, the better the environment will be, the better the people will be. The more healthy you make people's psyche, the more healthy they will make their environment.

And I very, very much appreciate all of you guys. There's a lot we have in common. I still think a couple things I disagree with you guys about but that's all about being a free human being and an American and you know what thank you so much for what you do I'm a legal pagan minister which is interesting and I think religion is poison as well

also I wanted to tell you that religion is from the Greek word religios, which means to bind or to tie down. So if you do something religiously, it's because you're bound to that type of behavior. Also, when the Christians call you Satan or

Satanic, remember that Satan comes from the Hebrew Satan and the later of the Latin Satanus, which means literally adversary. If you are the adversary of their dogma, then you are, in fact, the enemy. This is another word for Satan. So really,

you are satanic in that you are the enemy of their God, and well, you should be, for their God is evil. Have a great day, guys. Thank you very much. Blessings. We want to thank Kevin for his British accent. He's the only one who took up the challenge to do the British accent. So we want to thank you for calling in.

I could not tell a difference. Yeah, I wasn't aware of any actual shift in tone at all. Just a little, actually. You know what it sounded like? He was trying to make little, actually. You know what it sounded like? He was trying to make fun of Americans. That's what it sounded like. It sounded like he was doing an American accent to me. Every accent is just an offshoot of the American.

Like, all of them. All of them. Yeah, and Andrew listens. He says he's spiritual, and we're happy that you listen. We don't expect people that are spiritual to listen, but we're always happy to have people from all different walks of life listen. I think that really challenging yourself often by listening and reading and finding things that don't perfectly fit in with your viewpoint is helpful all the time.

So we're happy that you listen, Andrew, and we hope you continue to do so. Got some email here, Tom. Let's go through some of it. We can't go through it all. We do read it all, though, so thank everyone for sending an email. Like I say, we read it all, and we're happy to get all of it. We have been starting to skip the ones that just say love the show. We read a lot of those in the past, and we got a lot of feedback that basically said people didn't really want to hear that, and that's fine. That's totally cool, so we want to thank everybody. We read those, and we love them when people say, hey, love the show, and here's a little tidbit about my life. We read every one, so we want to thank everybody for doing that. We also want to thank everybody who has rated us on iTunes. We just got a flurry of reviews on iTunes, 25 new reviews in like a week.

You've got 525 reviews on iTunes just in America, which is the only country that counts, in case anyone was wondering. No, there's almost 100 in other countries. I want to say it was like 60 or 70 in Great Britain now or in the UK. So that's great. So please, if you want to rate us on iTunes, we would appreciate it. We thank everybody who does it. If you don't like iTunes, don't tell us. Don't send us an email telling us you don't like iTunes and you don't want to rate us.

Yeah, I don't understand. It's like, I don't like iTunes. I didn't make iTunes. I mean, you know what I mean? Like, that's okay. I don't like the Kia I didn't make iTunes. There's, I mean, you know what I mean? Like, that's okay. I don't like the Kia. You know what I mean? Like, I don't walk up to people and be like, hey, I don't like your car.

That's all. I mean, what would be the point of that? That is all, my good man. I don't understand that at all. No, but we appreciate everybody who rates us. And if you don't like iTunes and you don't want to use iTunes, that's perfectly fine. But we want to thank everybody who goes out of their way to rate us on there. Even the ones that say, I hate iTunes and I still rated you.

You guys rock. So thank you. We want to talk here, Tom, about religion in the military. We got an email from John. We did. John says that he is a paratrooper with the 82nd Airborne Division, a combat veteran who served in Afghanistan during Operation Enduring Freedom. Later in his email, he says, you've opened windows in my mind that have made me a better debater, that allow me to stand up for myself and defend myself when my own views come into question. The very idea that anything you or I could do can make somebody who is a paratrooper combat veteran defend themselves better strikes me as patently absurd. Don't get

me wrong. John, I appreciate this email, but sir, I strongly suspect you are more than capable of standing up for and defending yourself I would not challenge you on that because you will kill me you know John I hear paratroopers might be needed in Saudi Arabia if you have a good sword swinging arm so you might want to go there I don't know if you're looking for a job I know it's hard to get a job

out of the military but this may be something you might want to branch out into. I don't know. Put it on your LinkedIn profile. I could lop off his head. I'm a built guy. I could lop his head off. No problem. Special skills.

Lopping. We got an email that talks about atheism at work, Tom. This is from Richard. that talks about atheism at work, Tom. This is from Richard. Richard works for a, his boss, he says, he works for a small company.

His boss is a liberal Christian. He's very professional and prefers not to talk about religion and politics in the workplace, which I am inclined to agree with. However, by nature of a small business, he also implies many of his friends, mostly from church, more often than not,

if these guys are around, they're going on conservative religious tirades. How does one deal with this? While I feel ethically obligated to disagree, I feel like coming out as an atheist would put my job in danger. Naturally, when these situations arrive, I can't excuse myself without being rude. I'm expected to provide input or at least smile and nod. I'm pretty sure everyone at work thinks I'm a right-wing Christian too. Uh, and this feels gross. Uh, I have now you say, uh, maybe I've dealt with something like this. You're specifically talking to me here. I work for a very liberal institution. So for me, I rarely run into someone who has such different views from mine that I

would even want to excuse myself from the conversation. But I feel like the first and foremost, you want to make sure you keep your job. I mean, that's always, I tell people that straight away. It's not against your conscience to be there. It's just against, you know, your sensibilities to hear these conversations. My suggestion, I think, would be to make sure that, you know, if you're not saying that you're an atheist, maybe you could say something like, I'm not really all that into politics or I'm not really all that into religion or I don't, you know, I really don't talk about my religion outside of the home or something like that to get people to lay off of those topics,

because people should know. I think that it's natural, especially in our country. Now, I don't know how other cultures deal with this, but in the United States, it's kind of a taboo to bring up religion or politics most of the time, most of the time, unless you're with close people that are close to you. That's not something you just bring up. So I would say that, you know, using something like that to get out of the conversation might be a good way to get out of it. You know, one of the other options you have is to get one of those obnoxious little Bluetooth headsets on your ear and every time it comes up, be like, oh, I got a call. Yeah, there you go.

Hang on a second. Fiddle with your ear and like walk away. Right. I mean, seriously, like make up a physical excuse to just disengage from the conversation. There's nothing wrong with that. Like Cecil said, keep your job. It's not like jobs right now are a fucking dime a dozen.

So if you've got a good job and everything else is great, and this is the discomfort you have to deal with, just fucking make something up. There's no shame in lying to people to keep your job and to avoid an uncomfortable situation that benefits nobody. We got a bunch of emails. Like we, we got a voicemail talking about the accents thing. And we got a bunch of emails in this vein. We got one with this really great girl who's given like 25 accents in a few minutes, and it was funny. I mean, it was flat out funny. She's outstanding.

She's wonderful. I'm actually going to post that video on our Facebook, or not on our Facebook page, on our website for this episode. So if you want to watch it, it's like two minutes long. And this girl goes through a ton of accents. She goes through all the, like a ton of English-speaking accents. So she starts in England, does Ireland, Scotland, does like several regions of the United States and a couple of regions of Australia. So it's really great.

I mean, she really does a great job. We got an email from John here who says that the Aussie term for their version of hillbilly talk is called ochre. I don't know. Ochre. Ochre. I guess. I don't know.

Paul Hogan is what they refer to as ochre, and I always think that that's just how Australians talk. I mean, no offense, guys, but I can't tell the difference between him and that guy who caught those crocodiles up by the tail. That's the funny thing about these regional dialects. When you're outside of...

It all sounds... I'm sure that American accents sound equally absurd and probably difficult to tell the difference between. We got an email from Dumbass, and Dumbass talked about some emails that he sent. So we read those, and then he also sent a couple of comics. We are going to put one of these on here because it's putting kids on a pedestal, which I thought was really funny.

So we're going to put that comic. Putting kids on a pedestal, which I thought was really funny. So we're going to put that comic. We're going to link to this comic directly on the website for this particular episode. I don't want to ruin the comic. I think it's funny, but it's a visual joke, so you'll have to go to our website to see it, dissonancepod.com, and click on this episode, episode 91, to see the comic. Delightfully poor taste. Yes, absolutely.

We got an email from someone talking about Jehovah's Witness. They said not to mention their name. We are going to look into this. We just want you to let you know that we are going to look into it. They said not to say their name so we're not going to say who you are, but we want to thank you for sending these things in. There's some really just disturbing images

here. Yeah, this is some very strange stuff that was sent over. So we're going to take a look at this, and then we'll probably talk about it on a future show, but we want to thank you for sending it in. We got an email from Catherine, and Catherine was saying that she was listening to other podcasts, and she wanted to mention this podcast from the past January.

It's a radio piece from this show called Tiny Spark, and it's about Tom's Shoes. So if you search on the internet for Tiny Spark and Tom's Shoes, you can hear an in-depth report about Tom's Shoes from this NPR station. I think it's NPR. It sounds like NPR. from this NPR station. I think it's NPR. It sounds like NPR. Tom, you and I both listened to this,

and I was impressed with how well they reported this and how much damage something like Tom's Shoes can do. Yeah, you sent me this. I remember listening to this radio podcast documentary thing. And, you know, at first I was like, geez, they're really bagging on these people who are trying to do a good thing. And then, you know, you get further and further and deeper into this story. And it's, it's really an appalling organization, actually. I mean, a really appalling organization. And that they manipulate people who have good intentions and charitable intentions is really eye-opening. If you get an opportunity to take a listen to this, I would certainly encourage you to

do so, especially if you're considering purchasing a pair of Tom's shoes, which are not my shoes, by the way. My shoes are not for sale. They smell far too foul. No one would ever buy those. Nobody would buy those. No one would ever want you to send those to anybody for free. I have to put a gas mask on when I type.

But the basic idea of this is that Tom's Shoes puts shoes on people that may not need them. Tom's Shoes puts shoes into the market that could flood a market that already has access to shoes and access to people who sell shoes. So it puts those people out of business. And the third thing is, is that Tom's Shoes uses religion as a ploy to get people to get their shoes. They have to attend some sort of religious thing. So there's several different things that they're doing. It's not just one thing that they're doing. It's many things that they're doing that are questionable at best. So if you want to take a listen to it, it's Tiny Spark and it's On Tom's Shoes. You can find it on the net pretty easily. And give it a listen. It's like 15 minutes, but it's totally worth your time.

We got an email from Derek and Derek just wanted to tell us that he took our podcast with him when he hiked the Appalachian Trail for six months. That would explain why I was so tired for that six months. That is the closest I will ever be to hiking the Appalachian Trail or getting any actual exercise. Just the fact that you brought us along exhausted me. No, actually, I think that, Derek, I think that's awesome. This is like this is on like the bucket list of shit that I'm now totally unrealistically unable to ever do. Yeah. Like the Apple.

We're going to have six months off of work. Six months is a long time, my friend. Yeah. But this is like this is something I would dream of absolutely doing. I think it's awesome. The Appalachian Trail is 2,000 miles for those unfamiliar with of hiking and it just sounds fucking miserably delightful.

Can you bike it? No, I don't think so. No, there's parts of it that are just awful like So it's not like a paved trail? No, it's not a paved trail. Oh, then I wouldn't go. I mean, come on. It's not paved? There's not a moving walkway either. It's fucking totally primitive. Are you serious? There's no escalators onators on the trail good lord what are you doing in the woods

what are you doing out there they made cities for us i love that he brought us along i know that's great that's great um we got an email from alexander about hillbillies in the uk and he sent us two videos of hillbillies in the U.K. And I can tell a difference between these two. He's talking about the film Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, and he sends this, and he's talking about a specific accent. But I can't tell if it's the gruff dude who he's making fun of or it's the two guys that are going to go get the gun that they're making.

I can't tell which one's the dopey accent or if they all have the – because I really can't tell. And this is another thing too. Whenever I saw the – whenever I watch a British movie, like a straight-up British movie, like specific ones that come to mind are Lock, Stock, Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch. The one with Daniel Craig in it, Cake. What is it? Layer Cake. Layer it? Layer Cake. Layer Cake.

Layer Cake. Those movies I have to watch with subtitles on. Oh, absolutely. I cannot watch those movies without having subtitles. It's a foreign language. I mean, I'm just fucking, I am fucking lost. The other movie, too, there was the one with Ben Kingsley in it, Sexy Beast. Sexy Beast, yeah.

I have to have the subtitles on. I can't watch that movie without the subtitles on. I tried it on Netflix, and I was like, eh, that ain't a movie I can watch. That's because you speak American. Oh, my goodness, man. Even Ben Kingsley has a great accent in that movie. And the guy, the main, like, doughy guy

who's always glistening in the Sexy Beast movie. Glistening? That dude, I can't understand a fucking thing that guy says. That's because he's glistening too loudly. He is, he's glistening. He's way too glistening. I want to mention that the email that we got with that woman who's doing the 20 accents or whatever,

that was from Homer. So I just wanted to say that. Thank you, Homer, for sending that in. We got an email from Phil, and Phil talks about the Daily Mail. There's a picture of the Daily Mail, his toilet paper that he sends us. And then he says, you've probably guessed as much from the various stories that you covered from it on your show, but this is probably one of our, if not the most right-wing crackpot, tell the wealthy what they want to hear, attack the poor, NHS despising, disingenuous piece

of shit national newspapers we have here. What would be your America equivalents? There's a couple of American newspapers, but American newspapers are pretty fucking irrelevant nowadays. Yeah, they are. I would say that the Drudge Report would be something that on the internet that you would want that would be sort of

on that level. It's like that nutty, goofy bullshit. And then Fox News is the other thing. That's a news station that would be totally right up that fucking crazy right wing, tell people what they want to hear about the immigrants. Immigrants are going to take your money sort of thing.

Any semblance of journalistic integrity and truth is secondary to the focus of their message. If it doesn't fit within the context of this narrative they're trying to tell, it just doesn't get told on Fox News at all. We got an email from Cecilia who is from Argentina and she says okay guys, time to stop criticizing the Catholic Church now that it is in our hands. Don't worry, soon the Vatican will just be one big

soccer stadium. I like that she puts soccer in quotes because it's football there. It's awesome. We would not know what you're talking about because if you were to say football, we'd be like, where are they going to put the goalposts? In the gay bath? I didn't know they played football, like a real sport in Argentina. Oh, no.

What do I care? I don't care about football any more than I care about soccer. I'm just taking pot shots and taking pot shots. The weird thing is that football is soccer. Whoa, man. That blows my mind. We got another email from Christ Offer. Christ Offer from Sweden sent us another email.

And we were talking about the dangly bit countries, and he sent us a one-euro picture. I swear those two countries look like dangling balls. That is awesome. Oh, my God. The one-euro picture. The left one even hangs lower. Oh, it's great. Yeah, well, yeah, one of them always hangs lower.

Tom, you wanted to read Preston's poetry here. Preston, this is fantastic. There once was a man of God who claimed that all sinners were flawed. He made lots of noise as he touched little boys, and he got caught exposing his rod. Well played, sir. I like that. boys and he got caught exposing his rod. Well played, sir. I like that. We got an

email from Michael and Michael sends us greetings from... Go ahead. Give that hell. Okay, let me try here. Buxtehude. Buxtehude. Buxtehude. Germany, I have no idea. Whatever. Buxtehude.

Buxtehude. It's in Germany. Whatever. Buxty Hood. Buxty Hood. It's in Germany. Whatever. Drink a dunkle for me. But he says, as expats from Milwaukee, my wife and I love to listen to you F-I-B's tee off. And Tom and I had to Google F-I-B. And F-I-B means fucking Illinoisian bastards.

I didn't know that was a thing. Yeah, that's awesome. So he says that if we ever visited a weird penis-shaped state, they would love to triple our fan base. So, yeah. Well, you three. I think this is our first email from Germany, though. I think that it is, yeah. The Germans have better things to do.

You know what's funny? I was looking at our shirt sales, Tom. And we have shirt sales that go, some go to – a few go to Australia. More go to the UK. A few more go to Canada, and then most of them go to the United States. But we had one shirt sale to South Africa. Shut up. That's awful.

What do you pay in shipping to get the shirt to South Africa? Thank you. I know it's probably going to be like 50 bucks. Thank you, South African listener, for buying a shirt. Remember that if you want to support the show, you can always buy our shirts. And in the future, in the near future, if you're thinking about a shirt, if you're like, you know, I'm going to buy a shirt soon. If you wait a couple weeks, we're going to have a special send our fat asses to Tam shirt. It's a special design we just created. It's going to be coming out in the next couple of weeks, we hope. I'm waiting for the proof now. It's going

to be a little more money than the regular shirts. I'm not sure if it's going to be $20 or $25 or $27 or something, but that's a shirt that we're probably going to see like 12 bucks from. We're going to see a lot of money from that shirt. So if you're waiting and you think, you know, I really don't care about a shirt, but I want to support the show, just wait a couple of weeks and we're going to have another shirt out there that you actually, if you buy, you will really be supporting the show in a big way. And Tom and I have to try to raise like $1,000 to go to TAM because it's $1, bucks to even get in the door for the two of us. It's a thousand bucks just in the fuel surcharge.

Are you kidding me? Just for us? It's a thousand bucks in the in-plane meals that I need to eat to sustain myself to get out there. They don't put a trough in a 737 for free. They have to tow me behind it. I have to refuel in flight.

I'm like the fucking Goodyear blimp. They got to put you on one side of the plane and me on the other to balance it out. Yeah. No, but we are planning on going to TAM this year, and we need to sort of get our funds straight. And we're going to hopefully tap into some people's goodwill with things that they could buy to help send us. We're not going to ask people for money straight out, but we are going to ask people to buy shirts in the next couple weeks. So if you're thinking about getting one, maybe put it off for a couple weeks.

We think this shirt's going to be funny, and it's going to be worth wearing, and it's going to have a cool cognitive distance logo, and that's what all those cool kids are doing these days. I'm going to buy one. Wait, that defeats the purpose. That really does. Fuck. Fuck.

How many do I have to buy to send myself to TAM? So next time, we are recording this week. We're recording today as the 14th. This show should probably release on Sunday this week. But next time we record is going to be on a Sunday. So we're actually going to be recording on a Sunday. So don't expect the podcast until the following

Monday. Been releasing a little early. But the next show we do should be with Michael Marshall from Skeptics with a K. And he should be on our show to, I don't know, Brit the place up.

I mean, what do you want from him? The only problem is Skype won't have subtitles for us. I know, God, he's going to have to talk really slow. But most of our guests do. Are you kidding? So we look forward to having Mike on

from Skeptics with a K, and we will be talking to him next time. So until then, we will leave you as always on from Skeptics with a K. And we will be talking to him next time. So until then, we will leave you, as always, with the Skeptics' Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating pressurized. Stereogram pyramidal free energy healing.

Water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch. Late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces cancer cures. Detox reflex foot massage. Death in towers tarot cards. Psychic healing crystal balls. Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens. Churches, mosques, and synagog Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential conclusive doubt even this the opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends

families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music