Cold Case Files - I SURVIVED: His Eyes Were Black

Episode Date: November 18, 2023

Lynda is still healing from a difficult divorce when she meets a new man online. Their romance fizzles fast, but when the man calls Lynda in desperate need of help, she is lured into his trap. Sponsors: Bombas: Go to Bombas.com/survived and use code survived for twenty percent off your first purchase. PDS Debt: Right now, PDS Debt is offering a free debt analysis. It only takes thirty seconds. Head over to pdsdebt.com/survived to get your free debt assessment today. Huggies: Get your baby’s butt into Huggies best fitting diaper! Huggies Little Movers. We got you, baby. Apartments: Visit Apartments.com, the place to find a place. Progressive: Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. 

This episode is brought to you by Huggies Little Movers. Get your baby's butt into Huggies' best-fitting diaper. Huggies Little Movers. We gotcha, baby. Hi, I'm Kaitlin VanMol, host of I Survived. We are so proud of this show. We wanted to relaunch Season 1 to hopefully find new audiences for these stories. This episode is Linda. What I learned from Linda's story is that recovery can be a long journey.

It isn't that you just go to therapy for an amount of time and a bell rings and then you're cured. It's more of a road you walk for as long as you need to and one that might not have an end. But Linda's still trying and that's something to be proud of. This is episode 14, His Eyes Were Black. I guess now I try to pay attention to any red flags. I need to pay attention to my gut feelings because it was all there. The red flags, my anxiety, my gut feelings, the warning signs, they were there. But in my state of being depressed and lonely, I was willing to overlook all that and make excuses

and think, well, it's just this, or he's really a nice person. Linda grew up in Wisconsin and was still living there in 2007. She was married and working as a veterinary surgeon. But things weren't exactly perfect. So at that time in my life, I had recently, well, I had gotten married to someone I thought was the perfect person for me. We met online, believe it or not. You know, we had a really good relationship and I thought we were going to be together forever. But there was a lot of extra problems and stress in our marriage from outside factors.

So he had recently gotten a divorce. He had three young little children. We were trying to build a network marketing business. We had full-time jobs. And so with all the pressure and stress, we just had a lot of problems. And he asked me to move out. Well, of course, I was devastated. And we spent a year in a separation, a very difficult separation, trying to go back and forth, and then he filed for divorce. And that really threw me for a huge loop. So after that, I went into a really deep, dark depression.

And I think in order to make myself feel happy again or successful or like I was okay, I went and found this land up there in this little town of Placerville, California. And I bought the land and started to have a log home built because that had always been a dream of mine to have a log home in the mountains. So I did that all on my own, which of course was a huge mistake after a divorce and when you're depressed. What wound up happening was I became very isolated there, and I was up there all by myself in this log home, depressed. Despite her depression, Linda still tried to meet new people. Soon, someone would come into her life that would change it forever. This is I Survived, the podcast where we talk to women who have lived through the worst things imaginable and all the tragic, messy, and wonderful things that happen after survival. I'm Caitlin VanMol.

So I moved there in 2007, and I did date a couple of different people that I, and one of them I had met online, and we had a year-long relationship, this particular guy. But I just wasn't, I was still depressed. I was still not over my divorce and I decided to break it off with him and I went back online thinking, well, maybe I'll meet someone else. And normally I would use Match.com, and this time I think I went on a free site. And that's when this person contacted me. A man named Ken reached out to her. And he wrote me and said,

Hi, Smiles, how are you? So I read his profile, and I thought, wow, he's very attractive. He likes to do things. He lives close in this area. I thought, okay, this is somebody I'd be interested in meeting. So I wrote him back. We agreed to meet at a coffee shop. He pulled up in a very large truck,

and he had a very large Great Dane in the back of his truck. I thought, that's good. He likes dogs. And we hit it off and talked and he bought me coffee and it was nice. Over the course of the next few weeks, we would meet for coffee. We went on a picnic. We would go to the movies. Our dating was very casual. We would just meet here and there maybe once or twice a week. Linda and Ken started to get to know each other, and she was hopeful this could turn into something. He told me he had gone to college and that he had been in a very serious relationship with a lady that had, I think, an autistic daughter. And he said he really helped her and the daughter and took care of her and helped them financially.

That he had a lot of friends, that he was well-respected, that he had a college education, that he had done a lot of different things with contracting. And he just came on like this really successful person that was very caring. And he also told me he was a Christian and went to church and that, I think he said he had had a son. Can't remember if he told me he had been married, but he did have a son that he was close to. All of this, of course, was lies. He never ever mentioned drugs, alcohol problem, problems with his family. He did say, you know, his childhood wasn't great. They had kind of a little rough childhood, but that was about it. Their first few dates were over coffee, but then they had a couple drinks, and Linda saw a change. It was very quickly after that. I mean, we really didn't drink much, because I'm not a drinker. But I thought, you know, that's what you do when somebody comes over to your house.

You offer a glass of wine, and you have a couple glasses of wine. And very quickly, things did start to change with him after that. And I think he started to relapse. And I didn't know that, anything about that. And I thought he just was acting a little off. And he would say, oh, I've got to go, I got to go. And he would just leave suddenly and things like that. So very odd. Linda ended the relationship after that. But a few days later, Ken called her.

And he sounded very drunk on the phone. And he said, I admit it, I am an alcoholic, and you're the only person that can help me. I, you know, want you to come over. I felt sorry for him, so I decided to go over there and help him. Where he was living was very remote. It was way down a dirt road by a creek in the woods. As I came to his place, I noticed that he was in his truck outside. There were bottles around his truck, empty alcohol

bottles, and the dog was tied up in the back of the truck, and he was passed out in the front of the truck. So I quickly went to the dog first and let him out and I gave him water. And then I went up to Ken and was actually shaking him, trying to get him to wake up. And I got him to get out of the truck, but it was difficult because he was actually falling and I was having to support him. Ken was six foot tall and weighed 190 pounds. I was trying to help him get into the house, and he seemed very, very drunk. I had arranged for him to be taken to rehab in the morning, and they wanted him there at 8 a.m. So I said, I will stay here and help you and get you there in the morning. And he said, oh, thank you. That's great.

You can sleep in the bed and I will sleep out here on the couch. I went into the back bedroom and I got into the bed and within minutes, Ken came into the back room, and he got on the bed, and all of a sudden, he just started grabbing at my pants. I remember looking at him. His eyes were black, and he was stone cold sober. All of a sudden, I realized it was an act. He wasn't drunk at all. The phone call, the plea for help, all of that was to get me to get over there. And he had planned this all out. And he said, you know what?

Tomorrow, I'm going to put a gun to my head and I'm going to kill myself. But in the meantime, I'm going to have a lot of fun and you're going to be in a lot of pain. And he left. for yourself. And more good, because every item you purchase, they donate another to someone who needs it. One purchased equals one donated. Everything is made to make you more comfortable, from their breathable yet supportive underwear to their Sherpa-lined slippers. And you can't forget about their famous socks that are ultra-plush and made from luxe materials like merino wool and cashmere to keep your toes toasty. I've switched out my entire sock drawer to Bombas because they come in so many different styles and fabrics and colors and prints. Bombas got your feet covered

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while she's crawling all over my sofa and my rug and my kitchen and my backyard. So Huggies little movers are absolute genius. They are curved so babies feel comfy no matter how much they're moving around and they also offer up to 12 hour protection against leaks. Keep your baby clean, keep her comfy, and keep her moving around. Get your baby's butt into Huggy's best-fitting diaper. Huggy's Little Movers. We got you, baby. He punched me in the face as hard as he could, in my mouth so hard it split my lip open, and it threw me back onto the pillows. I, at that moment, felt terror, sheer terror.

At that moment, I realized, oh my gosh, I'm going to be raped. I'm going to be who knows what. I'm going to be murdered by somebody I met online that I hardly know. I'm trapped here, and I'm going to die. And my mom's going to be reading about me in the papers tomorrow morning. I was trapped. He said that. He said, go ahead and scream, Linda. No one's going to hear you down here. He said, you can't call on your cell phone because there's no reception down here. He said, you can't get away, and you're going to do exactly what I tell you to do,

or I'll kill you. He ripped all my clothes off, and he pulled his pants down and he grabbed me and he said, you're going to perform oral sex and don't try anything funny. I'll snap your neck. And so my lip is bleeding and cut open and I'm in pain. And then after that, he told me to turn over on my stomach. I knew what was coming. And I was just petrified. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. And he sodomized me.

And then during that, he grabbed me around the neck and started to strangle me. I literally could feel his thumbs gouged into my trachea so hard it was flattening my trachea. And you can't breathe, and there's nothing you could do. I had my hands here trying to pry his hands off. Your body starts to flop around. I mean, you cannot breathe. And I thought, it's over. I'm done. I can't believe this is how I'm going to die.

He was not letting up. I was trying to pry his hands off my neck, and he was laughing, and I just, it was horrifying. There was absolutely nothing I could do. You're absolutely helpless in that situation and I thought I was going to die. There was a digital clock sitting there, the weird things you notice, and I happened to look at the clock and it said 10-12. Over the next four hours, I was raped, beaten, all in the face, sodomized, forced to perform oral sex. I was pleading with him. I was like, Ken, please, why? Why are you doing this to me? I didn't do anything to you. I just wanted to help you. And then he said, I can't let you go. I'm going to have to kill you because you're going to go right to the cops.

I said, no, I won't. Just please let me go. I won't go to the police. Oh, yeah, you will. And this is the first time he said, I'm not going to prison again. I was like, oh, that's great. He was threatening my life the whole time. He did say that he was going to kill himself. I remember thinking, give me the gun. I'll help you do it. I'll do it for you at the time.

I wanted him dead. And it was just going on and on and on. And then the worst part, though, was the strangling. He strangled me many times with his hands. And then at one point he grabbed a belt. He wrapped that belt around my neck and he laughed and he said, let's see what this sexual asphyxiation is all about. And he wrapped it around my neck, and the buckle of the belt

went right here in the front of my neck, and he cinched it down to where I couldn't breathe. And then just before blacking out, he would stop. I thought about my mom, and how hard it was going to be for her to know that I was killed in this way. And I thought about how they were going to find my body the next day. It's weird, the things you think about. My life didn't flash before my eyes, but I do remember praying to God. And I just prayed that it would go quick. Eventually he forced me on top of him and was raping me.

And then I noticed that he just wasn't talking anymore, and I realized it seemed as though he had fallen asleep. And I remember seeing that clock, and it was 2.12 in the morning. I slowly moved off of him and over to the side, and he didn't wake up. It suddenly occurred to me, this is my chance. This is it. I have to get out of here. If he wakes up again and finds me here, I'm dead. I slowly made my way off of that bed, all the while watching him and listening to his breathing. And then I started to move out of the bedroom. And I'm so afraid, you know, to even walk on the floor. I slowly made my way into the living kitchen area,

and I was completely naked, of course, and I saw a jacket sitting there on the chair. My purse was there with my keys, my cell phone, things like that in it. I could hear his breathing, so this is what I'm listening for. It was very slow and even and steady, so I felt okay. I put the jacket on. I grabbed my purse. I briefly, for a second, thought about my car. But I thought he could get to me too fast.

If I had to get the keys, unlock the car, get in the car, and then try to drive it out of there, I was too afraid to do that. He had locked the doors. And I knew when I went to open those doors, it was going to make a loud, loud snapping noise. So I knew this was it. I kicked the doors open. I went running down the steps and started running. I didn't notice the branches cutting my legs and my feet

and the rocks and everything. I didn't even notice it. I was running for my life at that point. It was pitch black. Now it's, you know, early morning hours. It was cold now. And the dog had followed me. Now I've got this dog there. I'm quickly looking around thinking, I've got to hide. And then I'm like, but if I hide, the dog's right there. He's going to find me. I don't know where he is. He could be right after me. I'm panicking.

I'm like, I've got to hide. I've got to get rid of this dog. Linda found an abandoned cabin and hid inside, hoping the dog wouldn't lead Ken right to her. And I sat there, and I tried to get control of my breathing and I was so loud and raspy from being strangled, from running and just sitting there hoping and praying that he wouldn't find me and get me, but I was going to fight to the death if he did. I just sat there and tried to keep as quiet as I could. It's so hard when you're

freezing, you're cold, you're in shock, you're naked, you're on a dirt, rough floor. It was early in the morning, probably 5.30, and it was just getting light. There was no sound or anything. I thought, this is it. I've got, now I've got to make a break for it. I'm literally looking around me. I'm listening. I don't know. He could be coming after me for all I know. I was running for my life at that point with my cell phone in front of me like this, running through the woods, looking for the bars, watching the bars. And as soon as there was a bar, 911. I said, please help. They said, you know, hang on. The police are on their way. We're trying to find you. I tried to explain where I was. They couldn't find me. I mean, I'm out in the boonies. I'm in

the woods. And I didn't see any people, anybody. And then I got to the dirt road. I ran down that dirt road. I'm barefoot. I didn't even care. I was just running down this dirt road. I finally saw a house that had a gate and an intercom out in front of it. I pressed the buzzer. I said, please, please help me. Call 911. I need help. And I saw a woman come to the window that was way up on a hill, and she looked out. I think they were as scared as I was, not knowing what in the world. Here's a girl standing down there practically naked. And the husband came down at that time, and he came and stood next to me, and he just put his hand kind of on my elbow to just assure me that I was going to be okay now. And it was at that moment that I finally

was realized that I was going to make it. And the police got there. It was probably around 6.30 that they got there. And then they also brought an ambulance. And after a little bit of questioning, they took me to the hospital. I was having difficulty breathing. They actually did a CAT scan on my neck, and they saw that my larynx and everything was quite swollen. And I had a perfect square mark in the front of my neck from the belt buckle. He strangled me so much, and with that belt and everything, that the marks on my neck did not go away for over six months. Linda had spent several hours in the abandoned cabin with just a jacket on. She was freezing and in shock. Then when I got to the hospital, they were very good to me there. The domestic violence team was there and they came in to help me. And of course I had no family or friends. So they instantly gave me pain medications and fluids and other medications

that I was going to need. They probably gave me a little sedative. And so I was so exhausted and relieved to be alive and in a safe place that I almost couldn't stay awake anymore to answer their questions because I just I was completely out of it with exhaustion. So the first thing I did was in when I was in the hospital was I asked them to call my mom and they did and told her what had happened. And of course, she got a hold of my brother and my sisters. And then my sister from California instantly dropped everything, got in the car and drove up. In the meantime, hospital staff did their best to comfort her. They constantly kept reassuring me that I was okay, that they were going to take care of me,

they were going to take care of everything, and they gave me clothes to wear. Then they set it up for me to go to a safe place at a hotel because I couldn't go back to my home, nor did I want to. I was too afraid. So they kept me in the hospital for the day. And then they took me to the hotel room in the late afternoon. My sister had come all the way from Southern California when she got the news to help me. So she got there in record time, thank God. And after that, I had so much bruising and injuries to my face and my neck that I had to take a week off of work. And I did tell my bosses at the time the truth about what happened, but I asked that they tell the staff and everybody, my coworkers and everybody, that I had been in a car accident. Because I didn't want everybody at the time to know what had happened to me. I didn't

want it to be public knowledge. And honestly, I was so embarrassed by what had happened to me that I just didn't want anybody to know. In my mind, I was even worried that I would lose my job, which obviously wasn't the case, but that's how messed up I was in my head. So I still had the bruises and marks when I went back a week later, but the physical damage, of course, wasn't even close to the psychological damage. Her family was a big source of emotional support. My sister stayed with me for a week. My mom and stepdad came. They stayed with me for a week. And honestly, I don't know what I would have done if my sister hadn't come. But I was still in shock. And I couldn't believe what had

happened to me. And yet I didn't want to put them out to come and help me. I thought this was all my fault. You know, you guys don't have to go out of your way and do plane tickets and travel and get to me. I'm going to be okay. I mean, I was still thinking kind of like that, but I did need them so badly. And my sister, she just, she just hightailed it right up there. So in the end, I did tell them everything in detail. And it really helped me to tell the story and have them listen and care. It was better for me than holding it all in or pretending it didn't happen. And the team of helpers at the hospital actually told me it would be better for me to talk about it, and it really was. They were horrified, of course. They were so happy that I was still alive.

My sister was very angry, and they all wanted them to find him, and we were already planning that he was going to be put away for the rest of his life. And they were just very supportive and loving and said, you know, this wasn't your fault. You just wound up with the wrong person. None of them shut down. They really were very understanding, and they were willing to listen to everything and just very supportive. Police immediately began the search for Ken, who had fled his trailer after Linda escaped. Apartments.com has helped millions of renters find their perfect places.

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Affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations. They sent out the police to go and find him. They had all the police force in that area out. They went to his place, and he wasn't there. They even tear gassed it, and he wasn't in there, and nobody knew where he went. He wasn't missing for long. Ken broke into his neighbor's house, Frank, and found his guns and loaded them and held Frank hostage across a kitchen table with a gun pointed at him. And after about three hours, they went outside. Ken said, let's get this over with. And Ken put a gun to his head and shot himself.

When they told me the news that they had found him, that he had shot himself, that he was dead, I felt a huge sense of relief. It was a very confusing time for me because on the one hand, I wanted him dead, and on the other hand, I felt bad that he was dead. Linda also learned the truth about Ken's past. In 1991, he had tricked a woman into coming to his place and basically chained her up. He raped her, strangled her, and then threw her off a cliff

and left her for dead. And they found her and got her to the emergency and she lived. He was convicted of attempted murder and they gave him a sentence of 12 years, which he got out in nine. He was an evil person, a true sociopath, psychopath. Even with all that had happened, Linda had conflicting feelings when she heard Ken was dead. I think it was the following evening. It might have even been a couple of days before I knew he had shot himself. Initially, I was really glad he was dead. Because at the time he was trying to kill me, I wished he was dead. And had I had a gun, I would have shot him. I would have killed him. And it even occurred to me to get a knife and kill him when I was trying to escape as he was sleeping. But I was too afraid that it wouldn't work and he would kill me instead.

And I really didn't think I could do that, stab someone with a knife. But I did want to. That's how bad this attack was, just devastating. On the other side, though, once I found out he was dead, he had shot himself, I was completely messed up in my mind. I was sad and a little in shock over it, too. And I couldn't figure out why I could feel that way. But I had never known someone close to me who had committed suicide, for one thing. And it seemed so surreal that we had just met, not long before that,

had been having conversations, going on some dates, and now he was dead and killed himself. I'm a very empathetic person by nature, and I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was happy and sad at the same time. And I guess I felt some pity for him in spite of what he had done to me. Since her attacker was dead, there would obviously be no trial, and Linda wouldn't have to publicly testify. I was very relieved and happy that I would not have to go through a trial or see his face again or testify or any of that. Because my career was my life and very important to me, I couldn't see having all of this become public at the time and people knowing what had happened to me. I couldn't see having all of this become public at the time and people knowing what had happened to me. I was still in some ways feeling very guilty that I brought this on myself and

that I should have never had had this happen. Had I been a more self-confident, strong woman, this never would have happened. That's how I felt. The counselors did reassure me that I should never feel to blame or feel guilt about what he did to me, but I did nonetheless. I felt like damaged goods, and I still do. Sometimes I will even say that I'm damaged goods. So not having a trial was a huge burden off my mind, and the fact that he was gone and he would never be able to hurt another woman, I felt that if I had to go through this, to have that happen, it was worth it. I was suffering from PTSD. In my mind, I thought that was just something that happened to war veterans. I never even knew PTSD happened to anybody from any trauma. So the domestic violence team had set me up with a counselor. And we were doing some counseling, which counseling

never really helps me, just sitting and talking. And she said, you're having very severe PTSD symptoms, and we need to do some special therapy. So she recommended a therapy. It's called EMDR. I believe it stands for eye movement desensitization reprogramming or something along those lines, rapid eye movement therapy. So she did that kind of therapy with me and it was amazing. What they do is she gave me headphones and it plays very soothing music, like instrumental, almost like music you would hear if you go get a massage or something like that. And, but the headphones switch from, the sound goes from one ear to the other in a very rhythmic fashion. And then you have these little paddles, little wands, paddles that you hold in each hand

and they vibrate. And they vibrate again, rhythmically, one hand, then the other hand, then that hand, back and forth, along with the music. And she would start off by saying, what are you afraid of? Or what is scaring you right now? Or just ask me a pointed question, like what was the worst thing? And I said, for instance, the worst thing was when he punched me as hard as he could in the mouth and knocked me over. And instantly, I, terror feeling of I'm going to die right now. That was probably one of the worst feelings. And she would, I would get just anxious even thinking about it. So she would say, okay, I want you to just think about that. I would close my eyes. She'd play the music. She'd have the wands going. And I would just think about it. And your eyes involuntarily move back and

forth. It's rapid eye movement like you have in a deep sleep. And something about that soothes you or relaxes you or processes the memories. So over time, when I would think about it, at first it was just terrifying. Then I would do it more and this eyes are going, it wouldn't be so terrifying. And then the next time we would do it, I wouldn't even be crying or upset about it. And over time, it just got easier and easier. And we did that for each thing that I was having PTS symptoms about and each part of the attack and the whole torture, trauma. And after that, I could talk about it. I wasn't terrified. I wasn't having bad dreams. I wasn't panicking if I heard a diesel truck. And it just worked, really worked well for me.

And I was able to process the trauma as normal memories and put it into the back of my memory instead of right here at the front. And that's what that therapy is meant to do. So after that, I started to feel good. I stopped going to the counselor, and in addition, I spent a lot of time in the beginning trying to figure out who this person was and what had happened at the end. That was very important to me. I went out, and I met the neighbor who he had held hostage. And he told me the whole story and he told me the whole end of how he killed himself. Learning details about her attacker helped her heal.

So she reached out to others that knew him. Then I even met an old girlfriend of his and we developed a little friendship and she told me a lot. I met his mother and we developed a little friendship, and she told me a lot. I met his mother and his son, and then I even heard the story of how his family didn't even want to have his ashes or a funeral for him, and his mother and sister told the hospital staff to flush his ashes down the toilet rather than deal with it. In the end, his estranged son had a service for

him, which I went to. I went to that service. The mother was very cold and angry that I was there. The son was very nice. And I did talk to him there and met him and he was very apologetic and he couldn't believe, you know, he felt so terrible for me and he was very nice to me. And I just said, please don't ever do this to someone. Don't ever wind up like this, you know, and he, I don't think he would. He was in a long-term relationship. He seemed like a very nice young man. And his father hadn't raised him, so I think that helped.

As a Christian, Linda believes in forgiveness. But in her attacker's case, she struggles. It wasn't easy. And sometimes I wonder if I even really truly have completely forgiven. I feel like I have now. It's been 10 years. But I think I just tried to look at things from his life and his family and his upbringing and, again, have that sympathy, that empathy for someone else,

and that I kind of felt sorry for him again, that pity that he didn't have a caring, loving mother. I mean, he didn't have a good childhood. And so I think that helped. Being a Christian really helped me do that. After the attack, Linda's family and friends came to support her. But she was still living in her isolated cabin and had to manage her fear of being alone. Yes, at that time, the first thing I did was buy a taser and pepper spray. I always did keep the doors locked, but I did get those things. I was very scared living there and I wound up staying there for about another year and a half,

but then I did get out of there. I just, in fact, I'm not proud of it, but I just took a foreclosure and walked away from the house because I couldn't sell it and I didn't feel safe there. And I now have a loaded revolver that I keep in my nightstand. I'm going to be taking a conceal and carry weapons course. I always pay attention to what's going on around me. I lock my doors always. Even when I get in my vehicle, I lock the door. I'm never in my house without the doors locked, and I have a guard dog, and I also won't go to work at night by myself. I will always have somebody go with me. So I am more afraid now. But Linda does acknowledge that her recovery has helped her out of the depression she was in when she built her cabin. After that happened, I just realized that I almost died.

And I was so happy to be alive and realize that life is precious again that in one way it did help me because it got me out of my depression. It made me realize that I do want to live. I do want to enjoy life. I do want to go forward and do things again and have fun again. And I didn't wind up moving home right away, but I did start to come out of my depression, take measures to start taking care of myself. I started doing things that were comforting to me. I started seeing my family more and really turning my life around after that, initially. But Linda still has a deep mistrust of men. So this has been a real challenge for me. I was terrified of men. And I wound up only dating or

being involved with men I had been in relationships with before. So my family thinks it's because of what happened to me that subconsciously I'm still afraid to date someone I don't know. I've never done the online dating again. Probably never, ever will again. It still scares me. I have had times where I would get very nervous and start breathing faster and start having anxiety and have to say something if a boyfriend would put his hands on or near my neck. And there's been times I felt very claustrophobic and anxious with boyfriends. Like if they're just leaning on me too heavy

or something or anything, you know, around my neck, I have had a few things happen like that still. In 2012, Linda moved back to Wisconsin and reconnected with an old college sweetheart. They got married and moved to Colorado. but the marriage didn't work out. So my life is still a bit of a turmoil at this time. I recently got divorced, and that's why I decided to move back to Wisconsin, to be close to family and friends this time instead of isolating myself or trying to build a home or do something stupid like I did last time. So I'm just trying to, I started a new job. I'm just trying to settle into my new life here as a single middle-aged woman. And I haven't lived back here for almost 25 years. So it's really a challenge right now. But I have had happy moments in the last 10 years, but I've had a lot of loss too.

It's been quite difficult. I really haven't found true happiness yet, I would say. And I'm not one of those people that can say, gee, this made me a better person, or it changed my life for the better, or, you know, this big revelation that it turned your whole life around. I'm not one of those people that can say that. But it did get me out of the depression. And I realized how precious life is and how in an instant it could be taken away. So I didn't want to waste any more time being depressed and alone. And on another note, it made me realize that I am a strong woman. I did survive. I somehow did the right things. Because I think if I had done certain things, I probably would have gotten

killed. But somehow, subconsciously or intuitively, I knew what to do, what not to do. I did survive. I've been able to move on with my life. I've continued to be successful, productive, do things. I'm still having fun and I'm happy about that. You know, I'm more afraid now. I'm not as confident. I don't trust my judgment in men anymore. I struggle with dating and those kinds of things. But overall, I'm glad I'm here and still here. To talk to someone confidentially at the Rape Abuse Incest National Network, call 1-800-656-HOPE or 1-800-656-4673. You can also live chat with someone at RAINN.org. That's R-A-I-N-N dot O-R-G.

I'm Caitlin VanMol, host and senior producer. Our producer is McKamey Lynn, and our executive producer is Ted Butler. Our editor and sound designer is Steve Delamater. I Survived was originally produced by NHNZ. To hear more I Survived, please subscribe, rate, and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. Sometime in the early 80s, REO Speedwagon's airplane made an unannounced middle-of-the-night landing. This is my friend Kyle McLaughlin, the star of Twin Peaks. And he's telling me about how he discovered a real-life Twin Peaks in rural North Carolina,

not far from where he filmed Blue Velvet. What was on the plane was copious amounts of drugs coming in from South America. Supposedly, Pablo Escobar went looking for other spots, quiet, out of the way places to bring in his cocaine. My name is Joshua Davis, and I'm an investigative reporter. Kyle and I talk all the time about the strange things we come across. But nothing was quite as strange as what we found in Varnumtown, North Carolina. There's crooked cops, brother against brother. Everyone's got a story to tell,

but does the truth even exist? Welcome to Varnumtown. Varnumtown is available wherever you listen to podcasts.