Cold Case Files - I Survived – The Box Became My Safe Haven

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

“I Survived.” What is it like to face death and make it out alive? Based on the groundbreaking A&E television series, I Survived documents harrowing stories of human endurance. In their own words, survivors recall how they overcame unbelievable circumstances that changed their lives forever. 21-year-old Anita is at home alone, when a man she barely knows bursts in, ties her up, and abducts her. The attacker imprisons her in his home, keeping her locked in a metal box for hours on end. Over the next eight days, Anita clings to life, hoping that someone will find her before it’s too late. Find help and resources at www.RAINN.org  

This episode contains descriptions of sexual assault and violence. Listener discretion is advised. I had just turned 21. I graduated with a microcomputer specialty degree in computer programming. Had a boyfriend working part-time for UPS and was, you know, starting to look for jobs in my field, just kind of hanging out with friends, enjoying life, just being a 21-year-old. But her life as a regular 21-year-old in Kokomo, Indiana,

was about to change. This is I Survived, the podcast where we talk to women who have lived through the worst things imaginable and all the tragic, messy, and wonderful things that can happen after survival. I'm Caitlin VanMol. My mom came in on the morning of June 25th and woke me up, told me I need to be up and doing stuff, and, you know, just graduated college and wanted to sleep in. And at that time, she left for work and I went back to sleep for a few hours.

On June 25th, 1998, Anita slept until about 10 a.m. and then got up and went to the kitchen. She had plans to go to lunch with her boyfriend and grandparents in a couple hours. And the next thing I know, the telephone's ringing and the door, there's a knock on the door. And I answered the phone, ran over, answered the door, and Victor Steele was at the door. About a year before, Anita had worked at the gym Steele belonged to. She thought he was a little creepy, but mostly harmless. He didn't shower regularly, and Anita said she would have to hold her breath when he stopped to talk to her about his science fiction writings. He was a loner, just kind of kept to himself. He treated all the women kind of like he was interested in them and

just wanted someone to hang out with or wanted a girlfriend, that kind of feeling. The gym closed in May of 97, and I started a job at another place, so I hadn't seen Victor Steele in over a year. I just woke up. It didn't have time to hit me on why is he here. He asked for a glass of water. I know he rode his bike. It was really hot out that day. It just, it never really dawned on me that, hey, why is he at my house asking for a glass of water? She went to get him the glass of water. I had stepped on a tack on the way of the door, and I bent over to clean up the blood from my toe. Then I felt this shock in my back, an electrical current, and I started screaming

and fighting. I didn't know what was going on. My mind just went like in panic mode. I was, well, what was that? What's going on? I didn't know what it was. He hit me again, and I could just feel the electrical currents, and I'm still fighting. And at that time, he reached around the front of me, and when he reached around, that's when I could see it was a stun gun. And when it hit me, then I lost all control of my legs and fell to the ground. When I fell to the ground, he put his knee in my back and started tying me up.

And, you know, my mind's like, what is going on? And he starts talking. He says, I'm going to rob you. I need money. I need to know where your bank account is, what your PIN numbers are. He tied me up with zip ties. He put my hands behind my back and put those on my hands and my feet and told me he was very serious about this and pulled a handgun out, even unloaded it, like

to show me there was bullets in it and put it back in. And he's shaking the whole time. And I'm just like, put it away. But I believe you. I believe you're serious because, you know, he's shaking. And I'm thinking at any time this could go off and he could kill me by accident. He put the gun away, and he said, you know, I'm going to go get the money in your purse and stuff. And I'm thinking it's all going to be over in the next few minutes. He's going to be gone. And he tells me he has to take me with him.

He forced her into the trunk of her own car and started to drive to his mother's house where he lived it was over 100 degrees out that day i was already sweating profusely and i'm thinking i've got to get some energy you know to try to kick the seat in and get out then he pulls into a driveway. I can hear the gravel and I hear a garage door open and shut. And then I panicked because I thought he's left me here to die. And a few minutes passes and my mind's still whirling and he comes back and opens the trunk. And that's when he told me he didn't take me to rob me. He had sexual needs, and I was there to fulfill them. My hands were still bound. He had sat me on his lap and made me start kissing him.

He's probably like 5'10", overweight, white male with beady eyes, greasy hair, you know, just dirty. You know, I think growing up and just being a female, I always just thought I'd rather die than be raped. And when it came down to it, I'm like, I want to live. And whatever I have to do to get myself out of this situation, I will. You know, and especially when he said, if you don't comply, I'll just kill you and find someone else. Well, why have two families suffering? He raped me repeatedly in the garage, and then he started packing because he told me he was taking me somewhere.

He took her out of the garage, into his house, and up the stairs to his room. He put her in a metal cabinet turned on his back and locked her in. I was there, I'd estimate, four or five hours. And the first time he put me in the metal box was to go hide my car. And I just, I remember thinking, like, like I knew approximately where I was, you know, I grew up in that area, very familiar. And I was thinking like, you know, where's he at? Like, did he actually leave the house? If I could get out, I know I could get help. Cause I know I'm close to things. And, um, I just remember praying and singing, like, a hymnal. And just, like, it's all going to be over soon.

It's all fine. And someone's going to find me. And I just, you know, I don't know. You're just kind of in shock still. When he came back, he made her shower in front of him. He gave her some of his old clothes to wear, and they went out to the truck. He put me in the truck, and I was allowed to sit in the front, but my hands and feet were bound. And he just started driving. He took all these country roads, wouldn't take any interstates.

And, you know, I just kept trying to think of escape plans and what to do. They drove for 10 hours, and he would periodically force her to perform oral sex on him while he drove. and it wouldn't be. He would like go find some country road and in the middle of nowhere and I would have to pee on the side of the road and if like we had to go through a toll booth he would make me like sit really close to him and he would like threaten to kill me if I like yelled for help to the toll booth person. My feet were bound at all times, so when we slowed down to those things, I couldn't get out and run. They finally arrived in La Crosse, Wisconsin, to a house he told her he planned to turn into a bookstore. He took Anita to the apartment above where the shop would be.

And there was a 3x5 metal wardrobe cabinet laying on the ground, and he told me that's going to be my bed, and he cut the straps off my arms, and he let me get in it, and I could hear him doing something at the top, you know, his way of locking it, and, you know, for that moment, I'm like, I'm safe. You know, I'm away from him. I'm okay. You know, the box became my safe haven.

But the box was far from him. I'm okay. You know, the box became my safe haven. But the box was far from pleasant. So, like, the first day in the box, like, it was so suffocating. There was, like, no airflow. There's, like, it was horrible. And I'm like, I'm not going to survive this. Like, everything else, obviously horrible. But, like, that felt like it was killing me. And there was like an air conditioning vent the box was laying on.

And I remember just having my face just like pressed against that little corner because it was like cool. And he took me out and I was like, I can't do this. I can't. And he's like, well, I can't keep you out. I can't risk you running away, and I was like, well, you got to figure something out, and he put a fan on the box, and it would allow air to circulate through the box, and the box actually became my safe place, and there was times I was in there up to 10 hours, and I didn't care because in there, I was safe. up to 10 hours. And I didn't care because in there I was safe. I wasn't being touched.

I wasn't having to have a conversation with him. It was my space. The next morning when he got up, he took her to use the bathroom in the basement. He wouldn't let her out of his sight, even then. But as far as showering, this was an old church that had been made into an office building. So there was no, there was like bathroom, but there wasn't showers. And he had taken like a huge trash can with hoses hooked to the sink. Yeah. And like you would stand in there and try to rinse off and shower. But the first day, he, like, just stood there and stared at me while I showered.

And so I just stopped showering. After she used the bathroom, he took her back upstairs and made breakfast. She refused to eat. Then he raped her again. I guess I went somewhere else. Like, you know, it's almost like, you know, making a to-do list. Like, I just, I thought about everything but what was happening. Like, okay, I need to do this when I get home.

And, hmm, what do I want to buy people for Christmas? And, like, just anything but what was happening. Later that afternoon, they watched a movie. He didn't make it through the whole thing before raping her again. Then he asked her if she wanted to play a board game. Are you effing kidding me? I mean, that split went through my head. And then it just,

you know, people have asked me like, how in the world did you play board games with him? Like, and I was like, you know, checks and balances, like play board games or be raped. I'm going to play board games all day long and I'm going to pretend to like it. He talked about how like his family never accepted him. He was not accepted in high school. He wanted to open a bookstore and have a game room for children. And I remember like in my head telling God, I was like, all right, I'm trying to be patient, and I'm letting you guide the people to come find me. I'm like, but I will die before a child steps foot in this house. Like, that's not going to happen. Later, they finished watching the movie, and he put her in the box for the night.

Day two was mostly the same. On the morning after we got to Wisconsin, he took me out of the box, and he raped me. Day two was mostly the same. again. He would put me in the box for a while, then take me out to be raped again. And then he would offer me dinner, watch a movie, and he would rape me again before he would put me in the box for the night. I really just figured it was going to go on until I gained his trust. I found a way to escape or the police found, because I knew people were looking for me. And they were. When Anita didn't show up for lunch with her boyfriend and grandparents, her parents knew something was wrong. She wouldn't just blow them off like that. Police initially suspected her boyfriend and gave him a polygraph, which he failed. He had a rough time because he failed

his polygraph. So he was the first person to find me missing because obviously he was coming and we were going to go meet my grandparents for lunch and then failed his polygraph because he was just so nervous and upset, but obviously had absolutely nothing to do with it. And was, I mean, it was equally hard on him as it was my family. On day three of Anita's disappearance, police interviewed her old boss from the gym. She brought up Victor Steele, and his name went on a very short list of suspects. His background check revealed a 1985 conviction for raping a woman who had rejected him. He was sentenced to 20 years, but released on good behavior after serving 10.

Anita didn't see any opportunity for escape, so the days dragged on. He would tell me that he would make fake noises and act like other people were in the house, and if I called for help, he would kill me. Might play tapes to make it sound like the police were there. Just do anything, kind of a mind game to see if I would, you know, or he might stay quiet, and then I would think he was gone if I tried to get out. Then he'd be sitting there. Day four, she watched I Love Lucy on TV, and he raped her twice. Day five, he made her clean the apartment and raped her anally so brutally, she passed out.

Day six, she vomited and had bloody diarrhea from the rape the night before, so he didn't touch her. They played a board game. Day seven, he built shelves for the bookstore, and she set up the computer for him, happy for the solitary task. Detectives pursued Steele as a suspect and eventually learned from his mother that he had left town fairly suddenly. While interviewing her, detectives saw his new address written on a whiteboard on her fridge. Around 5.45 p.m. on day 8, July 2, 1998, the SWAT team raided the house and found Anita locked in I heard I was quite funny. I was rescued and, you know, they opened the box and there's like all these guys in SWAT gear standing over me. And I'm like, okay, normally this would probably be really scary, but I'm very happy. And they don't even give me a chance to like stand up or anything.

They just scoop me up, put me in the back of a cop car. And at that time I was really scared because I thought he was out there somewhere. But I guess, you know, the news people had already gotten wind of it and they were out there with their cameras. And there's actually footage of me being carried out of the house. And then all my friends were like, you weren't walking. What's wrong with your legs? I'm like, they didn't give me a chance to walk. But they wanted the ambulance closer. So like, there wasn't so much footage of me. And I get back in the back of the ambulance and I'm bawling. And they're like, it's okay. It's all over now. You don't have to cry. And I was like, I haven't cried in eight

days. Because he told me, he's like, if you're just going to cry and be miserable, then I'm going to rape you because, well, because if you're going to cry, I'm going to give you a reason to cry, kind of. And so I'd stopped crying. So I'm bawling. And they're like, okay, cry, cry, do whatever you want. And I was like, I want to talk to my mom and dad. I have to go home. I'm in a wedding. And my credit card bill, I think, is overdue. And they were like, seriously?

I was like, I've had eight days. I've had a lot of time to think about things, okay? Before they started the tests at the hospital, she was able to talk to her family on the phone. They let me talk to them pretty quickly, at least for a short conversation, so they could hear my voice and know I was really okay. And then we did all that stuff, and I talked to them again before I went to the end of the police station and then when I was done afterwards. We didn't really talk about it.

Like that really, the thing I remember my brother's like, you are going to prosecute, right? You're a really nice person. You're sweet. You just, a lot of times just want to push things under the rug and be done. And I was like, Oh hell no. Like, no, like, you know, minor stuff that I just don't want to deal with and argue, you know, pick and choose my battles. But this? Yeah. He's like, OK, OK. And like, and that was really all we kind of talked about. Then she had to go through the evidence collection at the hospital.

I knew enough, like they were going to have to do tests and all this stuff. And, like, you know, I got poked and prodded. And they did, they had a, and what I know now, I didn't know at the time the name of them, but I'm in the health care field now, is a SANE nurse. SANE is an acronym for Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner. These are registered nurses that are specially trained in medical forensic care of sexual assault victims. And she was there with me and she was such a godsend to be there and explain the procedures and what was going to happen and, you know, everything they were doing. They had a detective, somebody had to come in and take pictures. Finally, I get to shower and I'm like, I want a razor.

Um, I don't, I'm not sure we have one. I'm like, this is a hospital. Somebody's got a razor. I don't really care about my legs, but I'm going to go crazy if I don't shave my armpits. Okay. They're like, well, I was like, look, if I was going to commit suicide, I would have done it sometime during the eight days I was with him. Either you shave my armpits or I'm shaving my armpits, but I'm not leaving here until they're shaved. And then they took me into a doctor's lounge, so I had privacy and everything and got to use their little private shower.

That was very much refreshing. Detectives gave her the option of being interviewed that night or getting some rest and doing it the next morning. And I said I just I want to go now like I want to go home and so they took me to Burger King to eat because it was across the street from the police station. You know, the officer that took me, and he's become one of my dearest friends, I was like, I have no money. He's like, we got it. I was like, I'll pay you back, I promise. He's like, yeah, don't worry about it. You know, I think back now, like, the things I was so worried about, you know,

my credit card bill and, like, paying him back for a $4 Burger King meal. And he's like, yeah, no, we were just so ecstatic to have you alive. Like we did not care. You could have ordered $50 worth of food. And we went to the police station that night and I gave my deposition and they had a, I think she was a secretary from the FBI's office. She came to stay in the hotel with me because they kind of realized, oh, we're all men. Where are we going to keep her? And one of the officer's wives had brought me clothes, some of her clothes and stuff, because I had nothing.

And I kind of asked one of the officers, I was like, you know, not that I mind sleeping in jeans. Like, I'm very thankful for everything you've done, but does anybody have, like, a pair of sweats? And they're like, hold on. So they called that lady, and she went and she got me, like, she just, like, went to Walmart and got a backpack full of, like, all kinds of stuff. And she's like, like a little pajama set and deodorant and toothbrush and toothpaste and like anything she could think of. And then the next day at the airport, she's like, do you have to go to the bathroom? And I was like, no, not really. She's like, you have to go to the bathroom. I get in there and she like shoves an FBI jacket in my bag. She's like, I stole it off one of the guy's chairs. I think you should have it. She's like, I'll tell him Monday. I was like, I have stolen property from

the FBI. She was hilarious. When Anita finally landed back home, it wasn't the warm, love-filled greeting she was expecting, at least at first. Her family was told the wrong gate to throw off any press that might be following them. I was, yeah, like really shocked. I was like, holy crap, my family didn't even come get me. But they did, and they actually had gotten a 15-passenger van so like my, like all my family could come get me and my boyfriend. And so, yeah, and people, you know, like, like it was already in the newspaper. So like people are looking at the newspapers like I'm walking by and I'm just like head down, like get in the van. Coming home was a bit overwhelming for Anita.

The whole community had been invested in her return. Like when I first came home, like I knew it was a big deal for my family, but I didn't realize what a big deal it was for everyone. There were signs all along my street, like, pray for the Woldridges, welcome home, good job cops. I mean, all kinds of signs. And then, like, local businesses had changed their signs, like, pray for anita welcome

home like and then i walk in my house and i'm like if it weren't for the balloons that would look like a funeral home in here flowers from people i went to high school with former teachers friends, I mean, everywhere. And then even like the first or second day of the week after I was home, there was, I think, 32 cards in the mail. And, you know, my brother and I kind of joked, I'm like, tomorrow's headline in the paper is going to be like, local woman survives eight-day ordeal to be gunned down by the postal service. And, you know, I was getting tons of mail. And I still have every one of those cards.

You know, if I ever have a bad day, take a few out. A little encouragement. A lot of them from people I knew or my parents knew. But some from complete strangers. Just, I heard your story and I want you to know you've been prayed for. Just complete blessings. With Anita home, their house was almost a revolving door of visitors, which was nice, but also not what Anita wanted to be doing. Initially, Anita avoided talking about what happened with her family.

I pretty much wanted to go everywhere and do everything and my family wanted to keep me cooped up and all to themselves. So they knew from like the news and everything, you know, obviously I was kidnapped and that, and I was raped, but they didn't know a lot of the extent of it. And my brother, I'm really close with him and I probably leaned on him the most. And I love my sister dearly, but it was really hard on her, obviously hard on my mother. My dad probably took it the hardest. I brought, like, a little pamphlet home that was what to do if your loved one is, like, sexually assaulted and kind of just, like, left it out. Like, you know, because it's one of those like nobody really knows what to say. But I always had their support and I knew

they'd listen. But I leaned more on my friends and my therapist for, you know, more of those things because I knew it was equally hard for them to hear it. She also tried to lean on her boyfriend, but he wasn't able to take that on. It destroyed my boyfriend and I. Because I wanted to talk about it and more with him, I guess. Just, I don't even know why. I just, he was my support.

And he felt so bad because he thought he should be my protector and been there. And I'm like, if you had been there, he would have killed us both. So I'm like, you have to stop. He was kind of like, let's never speak of this again. And obviously that is not how I was going to be. He wanted to be intimate and I didn't. And, you know, later I found out like, you know, sometimes men think that, well, she did with him. Why won't she with me? Even though it's a completely different scenario and they know in their heads, that's not right. But

like, I didn't willingly do that, but then they want to be like, but she loves me. So why can't she with me? And I'm like, I'm just not ready. And he's a wonderful guy. We don't talk anymore, but if I see him out and about, we do speak and say hi and stuff. There's no ill feelings or anything. But he is a good guy. He's a good member of this community. But it just wasn't meant for us. Anita did see a therapist, although reluctantly.

And I will tell you, my very first appointment, she was like, so why are you here? And I'm like, because they made me. I was like, I don't want to be here. And I told her, I said, I have no doubt I'm eventually going to need you. I was like, but I don't need you now. And I was like, I mean, I'm sure I came off. I mean, she was professional. She knew like, you know, I, I think I was being a total bitch, but I know I, she knew that it was just all the emotions and I was still adrenaline. I still had all the sports. You know, it's still in the papers. I'm still getting cards. I was like, I don't need you.

And, you know, when all that dies down and everything, you know, I was really glad to have her there to talk about things. And I had three therapists in the last 20 years. And sometimes it's not the right fit for you and it's okay to switch. It's okay. Not, you know, if you're not getting fulfilled by one, I'm, you know, I'm not saying go to him twice and make her decision or something, but like, you know, I was with one throughout my trial and the months up. So I was glad I had already established a relationship with her. She kind of knew how I was. She was with me through the trial, probably for like a year afterwards.

The trial for Steele's federal charges, kidnapping, weapons charges, and carjacking, began January 9, 1999. Steele represented himself. He told jurors in his opening statement about his prior rape conviction because he wanted them to hear it from him. He also told them he was suing the Indiana Department of Corrections and they were working with police to frame him for Anita's kidnapping to make the lawsuit go away. Steele representing himself meant he would be the one to question Anita on the witness stand. I was at home back in the day of landlines, so on the kitchen phone. And the victim's assistant with the FBI called me. And she told me this.

And I remember just like collapsing onto the kitchen floor. And I'm bawling and I um I used to like never cuss and I'm telling you like the amount of f-words that came out of my mouth was unbelievable I was just like his effing civil rights what about my effing civil rights I just I mean I don't know I was spouting stuff off I didn't even know what I was saying I was just like, his effing civil rights? What about my effing civil rights? I just, I mean, I don't know. I was spouting stuff off. I didn't even know what I was saying. I was just basically like, panic, anxiety attack, pissed, all wrapped up in one like, ball of emotions. And my mom got home. And I think the only cuss word and was considered a cuss word in our house was like, hell. And that's like the only thing I'd ever said in front of my mother. And I think the only cuss word and was considered a cuss word in our house was like hell. And that's like the only thing I'd ever said in front of my mother.

And I'm like, F this, F that, da, da, da, da, da. And then like all of a sudden it's like just stopped. And I was like, I just said the F word in front of my mother. And I just looked at my mom. I'm like, I am so sorry. And she was like, no, I think, I think this is allowed today. And I was like, all am so sorry. And she was like, no, I think this is allowed today. And I was like, all right. And my victim's assistant came and she apologized.

She's like, you have been so strong through everything. She's like, I had no idea this would happen or I would have told you in person. And I don't know. It just really triggered anger in me. Like, I didn't care he represented himself. I cared he got to question me. Like, how is that right? A lot of it was, like, my brother answered a lot of questions for me.

Just, you know, another, one of those little blessings, having a lawyer in the family. You know, because a lot of words I don't understand. Lawyer terms, I don't know. I had him, and then the attorneys were great about answering any questions. They came to my house and talked to me. I also went to the police station, and they just kind of talked me through the process of what would happen and when and what, and just so I wouldn't be like stunned or caught off guard, um, types of questions that might be asked. Um, my attorney told me, you know, we have no idea what they're going to ask here. Some questions they might ask just, um, and, you know, and just to reassure me that anything they think is inappropriate

um or if they can tell i'm getting upset they will handle it and i was like okay and there was um the one time um so my victim's assistant was in the audience and i mouthed the word like mother to her and she got my attorney's attention was like you need to give her a break like she now like she's at her breaking point and of course it ended up being fine because he made a fool of himself and it was ridiculous but his defense was he didn't do it so he was trying to prove he wasn't even there um so he said it was all third person. Did you know that the defendant has a curvature of the spine and can't lay on his back? Yeah, no, not aware of that.

So, therefore, if the defendant can't lay on his back, he can't snore. I said, did you know that you can snore laying on your backside stomach? At one point, he asked me some question, and it was near the end of the questioning, and I'd been up there forever, and I really, I was done. And I finally said, you know what? I don't know. You were there. Why don't you start answering the questions? After three hours of deliberation, Steele was found guilty of kidnapping,

carjacking, illegal possession of a firearm, using a firearm in a kidnapping, and using a firearm while committing a felony. We're like in the little room and they came in and they said, he got life plus 25 years with no chance of parole. I was like, sweet.

I'm like, where are we going to eat? So, yeah, that's all I want in because I knew if what they had told me is if he didn't get life, then we were going to another trial. Because we were going to prosecute him federal Indiana, state Indiana, and federal Wisconsin until he got whatever equaled up to life. But the state trial would be a lot more intense because it would be more of the sexual assault crimes. So it would be more descriptive and more painful for me. So when I heard he got life, I was just so relieved. She wouldn't have to go through another trial. And more importantly,

she wouldn't have to recount her sexual assault in court. But Steele didn't just accept his fate. He has never admitted what he did. There is no remorse. He is still adamant he didn't do it. He tries to sue me, my attorneys, the judge, the U.S. Marshals. I have it now to where I don't even get notifications about it because it's just a form of way for him to try to stay ever-present in my life. And I'm like, I don't need that. Like, you don't get to continue to dictate my life. So, you know, I have it set up where only if it might go to trial would I ever be notified. And only one time in, like, the last six years was I notified. And of course, then I got vomited because I was like, what? None of his stuff ever goes to court. And it was because there was a new person in the FBI office that wasn't aware that he does this all the time. And so I called my old FBI victim's assistant who

does another job now, but we've remained good friends throughout the years. She's like, okay, calm down. She's like, I will take care of it. I will see what's going on. And she called me back and she's like, it's a new person. They didn't know. She's all caught up. She's like, no, this is not going to go anywhere. After the trial, Anita was intent on moving on with her life. When she was kidnapped, she had just graduated college with a degree in computer science. But that's not what she wanted to do. I hate computers. Like, people laugh when they hear I have a computer degree because they're like, girl, you like don't even know how to get in the Google account at the fire station.

I'm like, mm-hmm, yeah. Okay, see? See? And I'm like, yeah, my degree is so obsolete. Like, my computer programming degree is in Cobalt. Like, most people have never even heard of it, you know? Like, so, well, yeah. So after the trial was done and all that, I went to work in a factory.

And I'm not going to say say anything bad it's a living um I had nice things I took nice vacations it pays excellent I hated it like I would sit in the parking lot willing myself to go in like just do it get in there and uh it just it wasn't for me um it was a car manufacturing plant and it was when the economy wasn't doing very well so they were trying to lower their staffing they offered a buyout where like they gave you so much money plus they gave me a car voucher and said i could they pay for years of my schooling. And it was perfect for me. So I took the bio, went back to school, went back to the medical field. And that's just always been my heart. I've always had like a servant's heart and I want to help people.

And got my EMT, did the paramedic program a few years ago. I love being in the medical field. It's frustrating and rewarding. So just depends on the day, but mainly rewarding. Anita saw the therapist that helped her through the trial for several years, but eventually she felt like it wasn't a good fit anymore. And then I felt like I kind of outgrew her. Like I was growing and evolving and there were just a few things that happened.

And I thought I was doing really well, so I was like, I'm going to do this on my own. And so, I don't know, year two goes by, and I'm not doing so well again. So I find a new therapist, and I did really great with her. She was super sweet. She was like a grandma. I was with her, I'm not sure how many years. Well, it got to the point where I wanted to start dating, like, starting to trust men. And it was just really hard to talk to someone that was like a grandma figure about those things.

So, like, nothing figure about those things. So like, nothing about her was wrong. It was just wasn't a good fit anymore. And then my third therapist, her sister and I grew up together. We were in the same grade in school and all that I used to do sleepovers at her house. Her dad was my basketball coach. They live down the street from me. And she was a few years ahead of me in school. So I knew her. And I was like, I don't have to start at the beginning. She knows the story. She knows how I was raised. And it's been a blessing. She's amazing. And she's right around my age. So to talk about getting back and dating and sexual relations and all that was a much easier conversation to have with her. While therapy was helping Anita, she reluctantly realized she needed more help. You know, with my depression, I was very much like, well, if I didn't have it before, why now? Like, and, you know, what they told me is, like, you know, in looking back, like, on my family history, like, there is a significant family history of depression.

I was like, you know, they probably said, you know, I've always had, like, an underlying. And I was like, you know, I can kind of see that. There was things that upset me in high school and, you know, maybe I didn't handle as well. But, you know, emotions emotions I'm a teenager um you know and they say you know and then a lot of times it takes something to trigger it whether you know what happened to me or a divorce or you know something triggers it and it becomes worse and I'm like okay that all makes sense and I'm like so um so you want me on meds yes I was like okay well sure I'll do it for a little bit and um so I was very adamant like this this is not me and I don't want to be someone else and um but I, but I, I started taking them and, you know, of course I was

like, they're not doing anything. And, you know, then, you know, they take four to six weeks to get in your system. And then, you know, it wasn't like this, Oh, I feel better. It was slowly realizing, Oh, I'm, I'm not crying so much. I want to go out of the house more. I'm enjoying the little things in life again. So it wasn't like this big revelation, but, you know, you do start realizing, I do feel better. So once you start being kind of open about it, so I kind of made it more like a, oh, well, this happened to me. So they can't say anything if I'm on something. And some be like, oh, you seem to be better. Yeah, I'm on Prozac.

And they'd be like, oh, me too. I'm like, oh. So I really took the stigma out of it. And so, yeah, when I talk to people, I'm like, this does not mean you're weak. This does not mean that you're crazy. I mean, it just means there are some levels in your body that are a little messed up that need a little medication to help control it and balance it. Anita and her therapist, Angela Rayner, wrote a book about her experience called Eight Days in Darkness. Angela did all the

research, man. I was like, I lived it. You have to do all the work. She did. I mean, you know, she knew a lot of it just from our therapy sessions. But then she, you know, made the appointments to talk to the officers. And of course, you know, I gave her some of the names of people that were, you know, the Wisconsin officers. And she would get some of that information from our local guys. And everybody was really on board and supportive of the project. In the book, it's clear how much Anita turned to prayer to maintain her faith while going through the worst eight days of her life. I know God has a plan for each one of us, and I don't necessarily think He chose that for me.

You know, like when I was formed, He didn't say, at 21, Anita's me to do good and to get the story out, to help other victims, to share his word. But, you know, if I didn't have him, I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't have made it. I felt him there with me the whole time. Like, and it's probably because that's like the most I've ever prayed in my life. Probably put together. But, you know, it is hard. And I know everybody has different religions and beliefs. And I would never want to turn somebody away from listening because I won't deny my faith either. So I just want people to realize, like, find something you believe in that gives you faith and hope

because that really is what got me through. About a year after her kidnapping and rescue, Anita got an unexpected opportunity to unleash all her anger and sadness. So I started working at the flower shop and a lady I became friends with there, she was so excited. She got this new house. Everybody's talking about this house. And I was like, oh, where's it at? And I was like, oh, okay. And she said to one of the other girls, she's like, Anita doesn't seem very happy for me. She goes, yeah, because that's where Anita was taken

when she was kidnapped and raped. That lady was beside herself. She had no idea. She was devastated. She's crying. She comes to me crying, and then I'm crying. It actually was one of the best therapeutic things that ever happened in my life. The house where they thought they were just going to be able to gut it out and remodel it

ended up being structurally damaged, so they had to tear it down. And she's like, they're coming tomorrow to bulldoze it. Go do whatever you want to it. And I did. I went and I broke windows and I screamed and I yelled and it was like the perfect night for a country song because it was raining. And I just remember, yeah, it was very therapeutic.

To talk to someone confidentially at the Rape, Ab Abuse Incest National Network, call 1-800-656-HOPE or 1-800-656-4673. You can also live chat with someone at rainn.org. That's R-A-I-N-N dot O-R-G. I'm Caitlin VanMol, host and senior producer. Our producer is McKamey Lynn, and our executive producer is Ted Butler. Our editor and sound designer is Steve Delamater.

I Survived was originally produced by NHNZ. To hear more I Survived, please subscribe, rate, and review us wherever you listen to podcasts.