Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - 2 Rat 2 Touille (Patton Oswalt, Eddie Pepitone, Carl Tart, Rekha Shankar)

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

This week, American comedians Eddie Pepitone and Patton Oswalt join Scott to discuss cosplay, nervous breakdowns, and Eddie’s new special “The Collapse” (out now on Veeps.com). Then, Wrestler Tootie Rivers drops in to promote the changes he’d like to see in the world of wrestling, and a Guardian Angel named Mumps pays Scott an unnerving visit. Finally, Cannoli maker Kevin Tutulio joins to share his dreams of owning a bakery. Plus, a visit from an old friend! Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Comethi Bang Bang Never tell me the odds, only the evens, even if that even is Stephen. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Maddie Wokx for that catchphrase submission submitted on 7-21-2025. Unfortunately Maddie, that one stinks and is not going to become the permanent catchphrase. But hey, congratulations to you, Maddie Waks, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. We have an exceptional show. Let me tell you who's coming up a little later.

Little later we have someone named Mumps. Huh. And that's it. All right, well, did I say it was an exceptional show? Look, it came out. You got to give it that. But let's get to our guest of honor here right off the top. First off, I'm going to introduce you individually, if that's all right with you. First off, he is an American standup comedian. He's saluting right now, the flag that's right outside the window. An American stand-up comedian.

You know him from such wonderful movies and television shows like Old School and Children's Hospital, the comedy Bang Bang television show. But most notably, he was on season 14, episode two of ER, where he played dying patient. I just saw him the other day when I completed my ER rewatch. You did. Please welcome back to the show Eddie Pepito. Thank you everybody. It's so good to be back on Comedy Bang Bang.

Last time I was here, I remember being the diner marshal. I don't know. Oh, wait, that was, I thought that was a real diner marshal. That was you? Ha! Oh, I thought you, oh, okay. Has this whole show been a lie? Oh my God, I didn't know this was a Santa Claus thing, but. Ha ha ha.

What if the diner marshal were now, he just took the place of Santa Claus during Christmas, it was the diner Marshall. Coming around your house, coming down the chimney. Yes, and the diner Marshall was because we had just started putting Marshalls on planes, if you remember that. Oh, that's how long ago it was. Was that near 2001?

We started the show in 2009, so not too close, but... Wasn't too soon, you have to give it that. Jesus, Jesus. So anyway, it's good to be back. And let me tell you about that ER episode. My biggest thrill on that was I got... This is like I've ordered a cameo from you. This is thrilling.

Please continue. I got to work with Stanley Tucci, who... This is like I've ordered a cameo from you. This is thrilling. Please continue. I got to work with Stanley Tucci who- The Tucci, yeah, he was on season 14. What's he? Yeah, he was a recurrent- Oh, on ER? Only, what did you think we were talking about? Oh, okay.

Got it. So anyway, Tucci, I did this character who was- Dying patient. Dying patient, never dying. I was a guy who was- Dying patient. Dying patient, never dying. I was a guy who was brought in all the time because I would actually be having a hangover and I wasn't actually dying. That was the bit. And Tucci just came over to me and he goes, it's so funny. Oh, what a nice man. And I said, why don't you host a food show

where you traipse around Italy? And he took my advice. And he took the traipsing part, literally, because I watched the show, I go, this guy's traipsing the entire time, yeah. Well, what a story, that's incredible. And of course, Eddie has a new stand-up comedy program that is out on the, whatever this Veebs thing is.

Yeah, Veebs.com. Veebs.com! Yes, slash Eddie Pepitone if you want to see my specials. A lot of comedians, a lot of bands put their stuff on this website. The great Bart Coleman is running it. Yes, and apparently he makes a comfortable enough living that he can go see fish approximately 364 days out of the year.

Wow. Yeah, I don't know about that. What is it called? The biosphere in Vegas? I don't think it's a biosphere necessarily. Oh no, that's on Mars, yes. The sphere? The sphere, yes. Yes. The sphere? The sphere, yes.

Yeah. Yes. I think you have too much time on your hands if you're seeing fish. Yes. In the sphere. Even once. Maybe.

The program is called and it is a special. I don't know why I'm not calling it a special. It's very special. You don't do these all the time, but it's called The Collapse. It's out on Veeeps, but let's turn to our other guests and introduce him because he is the producer of said special,

perhaps even executive producer, who knows? That's right. He is the old XCP on The Collapse. He is a standup, oh, he's an American stand-up comedian. And he's saluting as well. You would know him from such things as the voice of Remy in Ratatouille. And he was in the movie's Big Fan. And the young adults, please welcome back to the show Pat Noswalt.

Oh, thank you so much, the Comedy Bang Bang community for re-embracing me. The CBBC. I'm glad all the bad blood is behind us. We can stretch fresh on this one. That's right. You were canceled in between your last appearance. It was a little, yeah.

And then you got uncanceled. How does someone uncancel themselves? That's amazing. Apparently you just wait long enough and people- Approximately all two weeks. All of our attention spans are apparently been fried to we all have nat brains now. It doesn't really matter what you do.

I have nat geo brain. Literally from second to second. I don't think it matters anymore. Well, welcome back. I didn't mean to talk over your nat genes. Oh no, I should be apologizing to you for talking over you. By the way. No guest has ever apologized to me before for me being annoying.

I remember the episode of the diner Marshall with Eddie Pepitone and a visual that I took from that is at one point he described being so depressed that he was using his gun to eat mashed potatoes. Oh yes. So the visual of a guy with like a snub nose, just digging into a pile of mashed, and then eating it off the barrel, and then no one in the diner even looking at him twice. Okay, yeah, fine.

I just. A classic episode of Comedy Bang Bang. A classic. Go back, go head over to CBBworld.com where you can hear all of the previous episodes ad-free. And I love at Bang Bang Fest every year seeing all of the cosplay of the pistols with mashed potatoes on them. It's an enduring image. Yeah, exactly. Do you like the word cosplay? Because it's too close to Cosby. It is a little bit cosplay. They've clearly put

cosplay. It puts you put your dress up like the green lantern, but you don't have the power to fly. The flowers should be wearing a sweater. Is cosplay a portmanteau? Did they combine two words? Costume play. Oh my god. They didn't really shorten play. Yes, Eddie, you were going to say Portmanteau, did they combine two words? Costume play. Oh my God. Well, they didn't really shorten play. Yes, Eddie, you were gonna say Portmanteau.

Isn't that a wine, Portmanteau? It sounds like it should be, like a Portmanteau of two different wines. From Portugal. Is Portmanteau a different wine? Port would be the wine part of it. Yeah, that was right. Yeah, sorry.

Guys, welcome back to the show. It's so wonderful to have you. We're here in, I believe it's July or in the dregs of July right now. We're in the dregs of July and we're on the cusp of the dog days. That's right. And you still made time to come back here to Comedy Bang Bang. I appreciate that. Tell me about this special. what is going on with it?

The collapse, now is this about your prolapsed anus that I've heard so much about or exactly what? First of all, who told you about my prolapsed anus? I want names. He prefers the term pink sock. Please. No, it's about my personal collapse, which is ongoing. It's ongoing. It's an ongoing project. It really is.

It's just ongoing. And America is collapsing, and I am an American. As a matter of fact, at one point in the special, I go to the audience, I go, I am America. I am angry. I am anxious. Things like that. So that's kind of- So your life essentially mirrors the decline of Western civilization. Is that what you're trying to say? Yes. I don't want to be that pretentious, but yes. Don't oversell the special. I don't want to crash the site. I don't want to be that pretentious, but yes. Don't oversell the special. I don't want to crash the site.

I don't want to crash Veep's.com. Oh no, Veep's is calling. Someone call Bardee C. We need more servers. Well, you got to wait for this riff to finish. There's going to be another 17 hours at the Fish concert. No, I don't want to speak for Eddie, but I, I love Eddie. Pepitone is one of my favorite comedians and getting to exec producers because,

and this is maybe this is a little sadistic. I just am so curious to see what would happen if Eddie really did like blow up to a list level where massive broadcast corporation studios wanted to work with him and to see what that meltdown would look like. Because- Meltdown on which end? His or the corporation's? No, no, the corporation, like, it would be amazing

to just to see them building a media empire around him, but they're building an empire around a guy who's going, this is all an illusion! They are using this to control you. Like, there's something ultimately so black mirror about that. If you watch the special and I pray that you do. I demand that you do. I don't pray. I know I'm demanding they do. It is really when that that when you go into that riff about I am America, he truly is America on every physical,

psychological and emotional level you can be on right now. It is our country in this moment. And it's frigging hilarious. I was ahead of the curve because I've been having a nervous breakdown in slow motion. You know? Meanwhile, America's is in fast motion right now. Well, yes, and so is mine.

Because I am America. I'm accelerated. Yes. Yeah. Well, America's is in fast motion right now. Well, yes, and so is mine. Because I am American. It's accelerated. Yes. Yeah. Well, the second Trump term, all the fasc... Everybody is in... The fashion, you were going to say?

Fascism. Oh, okay. That's really different. Yeah. But everybody is, I think, having a nervous breakdown, unless they're dead inside. And if you're dead inside, you're one of those people who are like, oh, everything's okay. The people that are actually visibly functioning

at a high level right now, are those are the ones that scare me. Those are the ones that to me, those are the ones that are actually, the people that are like Eddie and people that you see on TikTok and Instagram that are just screaming and yelling, those are the same people at this point.

I feel like I'm doing great. I'm not relating to this chunk necessarily, but... Wow. But I love to hear you talk. It's the cadence. Oh, yeah. That I love. It's fun. Yeah. And Eddie, how long have you been working on this special? Is this... Do you put out a special a year?

No, I don't. Like Patton does? No, I don't. Like Patton? No, I don't. Are you putting out a special a year? Well, you did for a while, didn't you? For a while, yeah. I just did a thing where I taped, I filmed my latest special a few months ago,

we're editing it together, and then I, Audible wanted me, oh, Eddie's gonna love to hear this, I did a thing with Audible, with Amazon. Oh, he's gonna be so happy to hear that. Jeff Bezos, get him on the horn. We had a great wedding if you saw it. Yeah, fun, it was fun. But they wanna do just albums, like just the audio.

So I recorded a thing at the Minetta Lane Theater and I got a man doing a special special that it's just the audio. What about it? It's so great. You're so like, oh my God, I'm not worried about what cameras are catching this. Yeah, how much sweat is pouring off my body. Literally, like what I gotta wear, it doesn't matter. That's how the specials used to be.

That's what I like about it. So that I feel like, although I, again, when you see Eddie Special, you do need to see the visual of this guy having a nervous breakdown. It is, it's like watching. It's happening right in front of me right now. It is horrifying. I don't stop, it's 24, seven. It is like if Samuel Beckett did a play

about Rodney Dangerfield, that's what it is. Oh God, now I wanna see that. Yeah, exactly. Boy, that's a great description.field. That's what it is. Oh, God. Now I want to see that. Yeah, exactly. Boy, that's a great description. It really is, though. It is. It's the... Your next special, you should film it on a stage, but make it like the stage for Waiting for Coteau. Yes.

That's where you are. It would be so perfect. Wow. Yeah. Do it that way. I like that idea. I would love to see Rodney Dangerfield in Waiting for Coteau. You know how Bill and Ted are doing it on Broadway? That's... Yes, they are. Yeah. Right. And then... News. You know how Bill and Ted are doing it on Broadway? Yes, they are. Yeah.

Who's doing it? Bill and Ted. Keanu Reeves. Ted Sarandos. And Bill Cosby. Yes. The best of friends. That is awesome.

No, Bill... Oh, the guys who did Bill and Ted? Yeah. Yes, yes. What are their names? I'm forgetting their names. Alex Winter. Okay. Who's the other guy though? Alex Gittman. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are they writing? I'm forgetting their names. Alex Winter. Okay. Who's the other guy though?

Keanu Reeves. Alex Givney. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That one. That guy. Yeah, they're doing it. And then, you know, Steve Martin and Robin Williams did it on Broadway.

It would be so fun to see Rodney Dangerfield and someone else do it. I guess Eddie. Rodney and Eddie. Hey, hey, where's this good old guy? Been waiting. We need to get Todd Glass in here. Hey, look at Karen. To do it, Rodney Danger Eddie. Hey, hey, where's this good old guy? Been waitin'. We need to get Todd Glass in here. Hey, look at Karen.

Rodney Dangerfield. Yeah, but Beckett, I read this biography of him and he said he wrote it as a comedy and the best versions of that play have been with comedians. The one with Burt Lahr, the one with Zero Mostel that you can see on Canopy. The cadences are supposed to be like comedy cadences.

Love it. Yeah. Love it. It's basically, it's Laurel and Hardy in the post-apocalypse. That's basically what it is. Yeah. If you think about it that way. You sound smart. You had me at, I read a biography.

I read a biography. Ooh la la. You know my favorite, okay. Here's my favorite thing about Samuel Beckett's life. When he was living in the Paris countryside, there was a kid down the street who was like, had some kind of growth problem. He was like in kindergarten or first grade. Too much.

Like he was already like six something in the first grade and he couldn't get on the school bus. So, um, Samuel Beckett- The driver couldn't even get on? Who's driving the school bus? This kid could't get on the school bus. So Samuel Beckett would- The driver couldn't even get on when he was driving the school bus. This kid could not get on, it was like a little bus for kids or something. Can I say I didn't think this kind of thing happened

in the French countryside? Yeah. They romanticized it so much. But Samuel Beckett would take his truck around and give this kid a ride to school every day. And that kid was Andre the Giant. Whoa! Samuel Beckett took Andre the Giant.

Thank you, Sam. They're waiting for Godot. He's supposed to be coming here. I don't know why he's not here. I'm gonna give Pat the impression. I guess. Yours was passable at best. But I threw it out there. Yeah, you got the ball rolling, Eddie. You got the ball rolling. We give Pat the impression yours was passable at best.

But I threw it out there. Yeah, you got the ball rolling, Eddie. He walked so that I could, he walked so that I could run. That's a great story. I never do something like it. It's so interesting to hear stuff like that. Like, oh, Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were roommates in college.

Yes, is that true too? Yeah. There's a lot of twists to life aren't there? I was recently reading Peter Wolf from Jay Giles' band Biography and he was David Lynch's roommate in college. Holy shit. What? And he wrote to congratulate him

on the success of Blue Velvet and David wrote back a very nice letter that said, "'You still owe me $3.36." Holy shit. And Peter Wolf's blood ran cold. Yeah, that's a great biography. You should read his biography. You should.

Wow. Yeah, he like hung out with Dylan. He like some, it's a really fascinating biography. He had a life. He really did. And speaking of a life, Eddie Pepitone, the collapse is out on something called Veep's right now. And if you-

Don't oversell it. What a way to fire up excitement. Don't oversell it. It's on Donald's called Veeeps. I haven't seen it personally. I'm just trusting it's out there. I don't know. Look, the internet is crazy.

Who knows what's out there. But the collapse is out right now. And approximately how long is the special? Around 60 minutes or so? Yes. Correct. That's a good target. 55 minutes.

55 minutes. Specials could be shorter though now because they're on the internet, right? So who needs them to be 60 minutes? If you're getting 10K steps a day, you'll get half your steps listening to, listening to and watching the collapse. Yeah.

And that's part of the promo, by the way. Guaranteed half your 10K steps every day. But why, specials could come out, they could be like 46 minutes or something. You know what I mean? I guess so. I think they're too long now. I guess you think it's too long now? I'm already saying your special's too long.

No. No. No. No. No. No. What, a Christopher Nolan direct this thing? Come on, bring it in.

Bring, close the show, champ. What number of specials is this for you, Eddie? This is the third one I've had filmed. So three on film, one on an album. One on the album I'm very proud of, mostly improvised, which is what I would like to do on my next special. Do an improvised special. I don't know that I've ever seen one of those.

Scoville kind of does that. Scoville, yeah, yeah. But I'm thinking of having the guy who films me, Steve Fine Arts, who's now doing- Yeah, great. He did the documentary on you? Yes, and Marin recently. He's a terrific filmmaker.

He is. And we've been talking about him just following me, like just renting out some place for like a month and him filming for, because I love riffing and whenever I have to do a special, I feel so tied to these bits. I don't know about you, Patton, but I'm one of these comedians who after I do a bit for more than a year, I'm like, Jesus Christ. Well, at that point, you're in acting territory where, okay, I've got to generate the excitement. At this point in the joke, I act surprised

as if I just thought about this. Like I broke, like a lot of comedians do this, I broke up with my girlfriend a few years ago, but no, I just broke up with my girlfriend, they say. A few years ago, beat, a few years ago. I would like a comedian though to be more transparent about it. Like I broke up with my girlfriend a few years ago. I plowed through ten women since.

But that one made me think of this joke. But this, yeah, the one that I broke up with a few years ago has this joke tied to it, so we're doing that. Yes. Well, there's nothing more frustrating, and this just happened to me, when you record a special and then a week later you're on the road, you're doing a show, and you think of a better way to do a bit that you have just committed. Yes.

That happens the minute we stop this program every week. I'm like, oh, why did I say this? You know what would be fun to do a special where you're talking about jokes based on people, actual people, like I broke up with my girlfriend, and then to get a rebuttals from them where they give the other side of the story, and then you edit those in.

I don't know if that would, you know, that wouldn't focus as much on me. Oh, interesting. Oh, that's... Rebuttals take up a long... I hadn't thought about that. That's interesting. Maybe just bonus materials, if you want to go see the rebuttals.

Just Eddie's ex is complaining about it. He's saying, oh, he said, what about me? Oh, okay, let me tell you something. It'd be really funny though if one of the exes was so zen about it going, first off, no, that's not how it happened. I see why he changed though. It's just a better bit.

Like I respect the craftsmanship of it. Listen, if it made you happy listening to it, fine, I threw an ashtray at his head. I don't really throw stuff, but fine, I see what he's going for. And then I would have final say going something like, your life is fodder for my specials. Well the collapse is out right now on Veep's. We have, if you're one of those credit heads, stick around till the end because you'll see Patton's name on this.

What else did you do as executive producer? Did you watch the special first and give any notes? Is this a purely ceremonial credit? Well, I mean, I helped to definitely help with the promotion and the getting the word out. I mean, I watched the wall. So you came on this show. I, I, Does that get you a credit? I'm hosting the show. I want a credit. I've done other things. I did other, wasn't just this. Listen, if I do one comedy bang bang, you give me that executive credit. All right.

What kind of shady backroom deals are going on in the booking process of this show? I have 35 EPs on this. Just my last 35 guests? Yeah. Anyone who hung up a flyer can be an EP. No, I mean, I watch- And you're a huge fan of Eddie. You've been one of his biggest supporters over the years.

Yes. Massively. So it's almost like you've been an executive producer of his life and career. I've been, you know what like you've been an executive producer of his life and career. I've been, you know what, I've been an executive producer of a stage of his life. You come on, you work with different entities. Early on, you know, he was working with different alcohol and drug companies. Then, he moved on. You developed Ozempic, didn't you?

You figured out the formula for that, I think. Yeah. I stumbled upon it. Right, it was a sort of like Marie Curie kind of situation. He fell, he fell stomach first on a needle. Weirdly enough. And said, hey, what if I put something in this needle? Wait a minute. I started losing weight.

What? Just the needle punctured you and you were losing blood. Oh my God. Yes. Slimming down. Interesting. Look out, summer. bad. Oh my God, yes. Slimming down. Interesting. Look out summer. Well, The Collapse is out now

on this little website called fish.com. Um, anytime you watch a special, you can imagine Bart Coleman's eyes lighting up with the big dollar sign and the bing bing. Oh, I can buy another fish ticket. Um, it's out right now. The Collapse. I can't wait to see it, Eddie. You're one of my favorites. Thank you, Scott.

Can you guys stick around? Because we have to take a break here, but we have someone named Mumps coming up at some point. I'm not leaving. I have to know what that is. Okay, great. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more with Eddie Pepitone, more Pat Noswalt.

We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this! Yeah! No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Comedy Bang Bang, we are back and we have Eddie Pepitone here and Patton Oswalt. And during the break I mentioned TMZ and that reminded me of something. Patton, you were on the 30 Mile Zone website just the other day. What?! Talking at some airport or something. Patton, you were on the 30 miles zone website just the other day What? Talking at some airport or something.

Oh! They ambush you with a question about if they were to make a live-action Ratatouille movie, would you do the voice for it or something like that? They use that for... I had just come off a plane from London. Oh, cheerio! And said, hello, hello, gov'na! Like Madonna, you were talking like that? Yes, exactly.

These are references that are very current. Wow, that was TMZ. Okay, some guy, he had a video camera, he was like, hey... So you'll talk to anyone with a video camera? He's nice enough, why not? But he was asking, like, if they're doing all these live action Disney movies, would you do a live action Ratatouille? I'm like, yeah, sure.

Something about the rat element, like in real life, you know, he's cute in the movie, but. Yeah, exactly. I don't know if they could pull that off. If it was a Lion King style. I either get asked, would you do the live action or would you, cause there was also, there was a false story that went around a few weeks ago

about Ratatouille too in the works. Ratatouille. Ratatouille. Too fat. With the rat holding up two fingers or. Too rat, too too-wee. And uh. Hobbs and Shaw presents.

Too rat, too too-wee. And I said. And I just said, look, I mean, I haven't heard anything about it and I'll probably be the last to hear about it. If Brad Bird comes up with a story that he likes, they'll do a sequel, but he's not in a rush to get a sequel out.

Weird that a guy named Bird made a movie about a rat. It is a little weird. Like it's strange, right? He's a weird guy. Yeah, a rat, a robot, come on. It's like, come on, just make a movie about a bird. That's what we want. It is a little weird.

Yeah. And then John Ratzenberger, who's a voice in all of the Pixar movies, doesn't voice a rat in Ratatouille. Strange stuff. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, I don't know what's happening here with Pixar over there.

We're through the looking glass right now, people. Yeah, but in any case, the collapse is out on Veep's. Of course, right now. In any case. In any case. And wow, is there a better hype man than Scott Offerman? Yeah, I know, but wait, what's this? Hold on, y'all smell that?

I think I am smelling something. Do y'all smell that? Sorry, are you guys, is your phone going off Patton? Mine's off, hang on, mine's off. Mine's off too, but Eddie this must be... Nooooo! What is this? Do y'all smell that? Yo, take that toilet paper, wipe it from front to the back. I smell doo-doo. Do y'all smell that?

I smell doo-doo. Do y'all smell that? I smell doo-doo. Do y'all smell that? Yo, take that toilet paper, wipe it from front to the back. What? Scotty! Aw, come on!

What? Sorry, who are you, sir? What was that? Oh, you don't remember me? I don't remember you at all. You don't remember me, Scott. Sorry, who are you, sir? Oh, it's your old pal.

Or shall I say nemesis? Tootie Rivers. Tootie Rivers. Do y'all smell that? Scottie Alkerman got so scared he done doodoo'd on himself. What? No, what do you, have I ever met you before? I'm so sorry, Tootie who?

1984, Fulton County Stadium, Atlanta, Georgia. We rassled, Scott. Oh, when I was in the, I mean the wrestling. The WWW, Rasslin', Rasslin', Rasslin'. Thought Rasslin' was spelled with an R. Yeah, the three R's. Who is that? This is Patton Oswalt.

Patton Oswalt? Yeah. That we still need to look at. From the King of Queens? Yeah, the King of Queens. Well, you may be from the King of Queens, but I'm the King of Georgia. You better watch your pants, Patty Oswalt.

Oh, Patton. I'm sorry, you're a wrestler or something? Give me the microphone. Okay, you have, it's right in front of you. You walked right in, sat down in front of it. Let me tell you something, Scott. I have walked through the Dovers of Delaware. I have walked through the Memphis's of Tennessee. There's only one, I think, but.

I have walked through every single San Antonio of Texas to find you. Okay. And I come to knock them Wobby Parkers off your eyes, Scott. Yeah, look, I didn't appreciate that. We like, your name's Tootie, by the way. You don't remember me. I don't remember you walked to Tootie walked right in

and he knocked my glasses off my head and then started playing this song. What is that song? That's my theme music, Scott. Theme music, okay. Cause I smell doo doo, Scott. And it's coming from that chair you sit your ass in. There's no doo-doo, sir. I don't know why. What kind of chair is that? How much it cost, Scott? You live in this big old nice mansion

with dragons and moats. To be honest, I never checked the price on the chair. It could have been $50. It could have been a million. I had no idea. I had to fight alligators. I had to fight crocodiles. You got to fight alligators. Well, I got to come in here and tell you that I'm not going nowhere, Scott. I'm back in your life. I don't even know who you are.

And I'm back in your ass. I don't know. We've never met before, I don't think. 1984 in Atlanta, what exactly? Fulton County Stadium. Fulton County Stadium, where, and you and I wrestled? Oh, you don't remember the WWW? Rasslin', Rasslin', Rasslin'. Again, I think it's spelled with an R. Yeah, who was that talking right there? Again, that's Pat Nozwell.

Ah, from Ratatouille. Ratatouille, yeah, yeah. He's very concerned with things that start with R's. Tootie, was that during the Olympics, Richard Jewell had his moment and his son. No, brother Pippenthoen, that was 1996. Ah, 12 years off. 12 years a wrestler. Eddie considers everything pre-Richard Jewell

and post-Richard Jewell, so it's good to put this into. This was pre-Richard Jewell. I had to interrupt, is that your entrance music when you enter the ring? Is that what you walk into? Yes, that's absolutely right. Pennywise Waltz. And what's it about?

It's about people smelling doo-doo? Well, no, it's about him smelling doo-doo. I smell it because I scare the shit out of people. Oh! Oh! Now I got it. Okay, so when you enter the ring, your opponent or maybe even the crowd members. Everybody in the crowd, diaries at one time.

I don't think I would want to go to this. No, I don't think you're on any stadium. You don't remember? I think he would have, I would have remembered that if a whole stadium would have, I don't even think I was born yet in 1984. That's because I knocked them out so hard. I knocked them out so hard.

I knocked each and every tooth out his mouth. I definitely don't remember this, but I mean, it could have been such a difficult, hard knockout that I got at Amnesia. All of Mississippi's rivers. I have crossed all the lakes in Erie, PA. Okay. To find you, Scott.

Okay, here I am. I mean, I've been here the whole time. And to knock them made well jeans off your ass. Oh, no, you're not gonna be knocking Again, I don't want to interrupt if you knocked Scott out so quickly in this match you clearly defeated him So what we're in a problem because they gave him the title. Why whoa? Whoa, he don't even remember I'm kind of on 2d sight on this if that's what happened. They cheated me. What did they do? Gave him the title.

Why? Oh, I don't know why. It's legitimate. Seems like if this was such a big deal, you'd know why, because I certainly don't know. May I guess? I mean, if he caused a stadium full of people to defecate, maybe there was like a...

I immediately was disqualified due to defecation by audience. Okay, I understand. Is this something that happens at all? It feels like a thing that might happen in a lot of matches. Are you? I have wrestled Scott Ackerman about 14 times. Oh my goodness. Would you like me to name all of the venues?

Yeah, please. 1984, Fulton County. 1984, Fulton County Stadium. 1986, the Omni in Milwaukee. The Omni in the hotel? Yeah, the hotel. Yes, in the ballroom. Hahaha.

1988, the Sheraton. Okay, we're on a two year cycle then. The Sheraton in Dover, Delaware. Okay, well hang on, I think I've, that's a small, where were, Very small. The Sheraton in Dover, Delaware. Okay. Well, hang on. I think I bit, that's a small, where were you? Very small. Yeah, it seems like we're going down here.

Where were you wrestling? Right next to the continental breakfast. That is not where you want to make people lose balance. What happened in 1990? I burned you on the waffle machine. 1990, I took a break. Oh. It sounds like you did on 1989 as well.

Yeah. And in 1985 and 1987. But what happened in 92? I took a break. Oh, it sounds like you did on 1989 as well. Yeah And in 1985 and 1987, but what happened in 92 1992? I went to Barcelona for the Olympics. Oh Just to watch okay Then in 94, I love sport. I Love sport and patriotism for each country Oh now when you if you just go to a match to watch it, if you attend this program, you don't play that music when you enter to find your seat. Every single goddamn time Patty House walks. I do it for the people.

I do it for the people who out there who've been cheated in their life like me. I do it for the people who are suffering like me. So you've won zero matches because anytime you walk into a match, everyone diarrhea's themselves, you get disqualified. Why are you still in the sport? And I came on this head program to get those rules changed after 41 years. Okay.

I don't know. Do you do this when you walk into other places like movie theaters and stuff? Not unless I'm rassin' somebody. Okay. Are you a spokesperson for Imodium? I should be. And he's putting together deals in his mind. Totally for Imodium? I should be. Yeah, and he's putting together deals in his mind.

Yeah, that would be... You should be my manager, Mr. Pemple. I'll do it. Yeah. Well, that was the quickest yes I think I've ever heard. Yeah. I only have five percent to give, perhaps seven. Perhaps seven.

Right. We'll talk. Yeah, these terms. Wow. I'm not quite sure. He seems like a handful. I'd like to do it over Zoom, though. I. Yeah, these turns. Wow. I'm not quite sure. He seems like a handful. I'd like to do it over Zoom, though. I don't want any complications. So you've just stuck strictly to wrestling, or have you tried to cross over in MMA or anything like that, or it's just wrestling for you?

Just wrestling for me. Okay. I'm sorry, wrestling. Rattling, the people sport. Yeah. So now, what's the difference between wrestling and MMA? Just kicking? Is that?

A lot of things are different about it. I have no idea. I don't have time to describe that to you. But you don't like kicking or whatever the differences are. I'll kick if I need to. It's like I'll kick that American Apparel shirt off your chest right now. Okay, you've described inaccurately everything I'm wearing right now. What brand shirt is that?

It's a t-shirt. It's got a thin collar, so I know it's expensive. I think I got it at Target, brand is Goodreads Goodreads I didn't know they're making t-shirts now. That's something I don't know last time I went to Target. It was Massimo Massimo, what's his last name? Never mind. So look I I I don't remember these sports. I'm on you So look, I don't remember these 14 times. Well Scott, I'm on you. I'm on you.

I'm not going nowhere, Scott. I'm right here with you, Scotty Aux, and you, Patty Oswalt, and you, Eddie Pepps. I mean, you're always welcome here. It is an open door policy here on Comedy Bang Bang. Oh, it's gonna be an open door, Scott. When I open up the door to your soul. That actually sounds nice.

That doesn't sound really threatening. It will be painful. Oh, okay. It sounds healing. Because it will be your real soul, and I have to go through your chest. So I have to go through your Goodreads t-shirt and your Fruit of the Loom A-shirt under there.

My audible jockstrap. Your audible.com jockstrap. Your audible.com jockstrap. And my veeps.com. Your veeps.com comedy special. I mean, you're very, I got to say you're an older man. You're not that intimidating. You did slap my glasses off my, and you were right about the brand. That was good. But you are, I mean, you're kind of hunched over, you're kind of old and withered. You're not incredibly intimidating. I'm still very strong. I may be old and withered, but I'm still spry on the inside. What's the biggest thing you think you could pick up right now?

Right now? This whole house. Wow. So he's old and withered, but he's old and with it. Oh, OK. Thank you. How would you like to leave our manager, Mr. Patty Oz? Wait, wait, wait.

What percentage do you have to give? I only have four to six to give. 46? 46. Four to six. Oh, OK. That's very different. So we're done?

Oh, I'm still giving you five to seven. Wait a minute. This is sounding like a bad deal for me. Dad, that's right. You're like Dean Martin who gave away 110% of his income to all of his managers. Is that right? You're kidding. Oh, God.

He's totally over the top. I met Dean Martin in 1974 at the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. I mean, that's where you would meet him. That is, yeah. What was that like? What was the meeting like? I told him I was gonna get Scotty Augs if it was the last thing I did. Were you born yet, Scotty?

No, I mean, I was born in 96. Scot, don't lie about your age. Ah! Ah! That is unbelievable. Who are you, EMF? That's right, I am. Wait, I don't know about them, I'm too young.

EMF, every motherfucker. Believe it's ecstasy motherfuckers, but anyway. All right. Look, Tootie, I don't remember you. You continue on with your program. I'm gonna be here the whole time. Okay, great. Can we get to our next guest?

Is that all right? Give me that microphone. God, it's right in front of you. Yeah, yeah, you don't have to grab it. Let's get to our next guest then. Let's see, I mentioned someone named Mumps is on the show. This is very exciting. Please welcome Mumps. Hey, Scott.

It's really good to finally meet you in person. Hi, yeah, I mean, look, I love meeting our guests. So wonderful to meet you, Mumps. This is Patton, this is Eddie. Oh, I know. This is a man named Tootie. Yah! And his catchphrase, yah, I guess. He's happy to hear his name.

Scott, I don't want you to be distracted by these men here. Oh, okay. No, I'll focus on you. This is your segment to shine. Yeah. What are you here to talk about? Mumps. What an unusual name, Mumps.

Is it? Well, I mean, usually it's an affliction. Oh, I know. That's how I died. You what now? Scott, I am your guardian angel. I'm here to tell you something bad's gonna happen to you. Oh.

My guardian angel, really? I've heard about these things. Patton, have you heard about these, these guardian angels? I've heard about guardian angels. I thought that they were just angelic beings. I didn't know that they were someone who dies and then becomes a guardian angel. Where do you think all these people,

these angelic beings come from? There's not unlimited resources up there. Oh, I thought it was. So when you get to heaven, you have to change your name to whatever you died of? Of course. So Clarence in It's a Wonderful Life. Yeah, what did he die of?

Clarence? Clarence. He was a sex? Oh, a clearance sale. He was a clea- He got- On Black Friday, he got stampeded. He went to Black Friday, he got his head smushed. Oh my God.

He got his head smushed between some timberlands. So much sense. Yeah. Are you here to tell Scott that I'm gonna knock the Ross Dress for Less socks off his feet? Listen. You're not too far off. I don't often know until the moment it's about to happen.

Scott, you don't realize I've saved you a lot. Really? And I've never gotten to thank you. Like what? What are the examples of times you've saved me in my life? How about you want today? Yeah, I don't remember anything happening today. Okay. You're welcome. You're really welcome because remember anything happening today. Okay, you're welcome.

You're really welcome, because nothing did happen today. Oh, well, I mean, what was gonna happen? Okay, so you woke up, you slipped right out of bed, fell on your head. That I left because it was funny. Well, I would prefer, that actually kind of hurt. I would prefer maybe you saved me from stuff like that. You need that stuff to keep you in check.

If everything went perfect, I don't think you'd have, you're not gonna be- I would just be walking into the street without it. Exactly. It's like how you should know a stove is hot. Okay, so you didn't save me from that. I didn't save you from that because it was funny. So you slipped out of bed and you fell

and you hit your head. As you were about to walk in the shower, there was a guy behind there. Behind where? Behind there, yeah. Behind the shower? Behind the shower, there was a guy behind there. Behind where? Behind there, yeah. Behind the shower? Behind the shower, in your walls. You have a guy in your walls.

I have a guy, like a Bad Ronald style guy in my walls? Who is Bad Ronald? It's a movie that I'm too young to remember. Scott, I know your age. I've been with you. Hey, come on, moms, play it cool. I have your birth certificate. What are you doing with my birth certificate?

I have your birth certificate. I have to carry this shit around, Scott. Give me that so I can rip it up. Make sure Scotty Alts never existed to cheat on me. Oh no, I'm gonna be deported? Yeah. Oh wait, you think ripping up a birth certificate means that I did never exist it?

No, it means you get deported. Scott, there was a guy behind your shower today. Okay, so what did you do to stop the guy in my house? You sure that wasn't a contractor? Nevermind. It'd be very strange if I had a contractor still in my house. I would hope, Scott, I pray to God you hire your contractors

and you don't let them live in your walls and come out when they see an issue. This guy was what? He was gonna jump into the shower with me and murder me? Or what was gonna happen? That's your fantasy, not mine. I should have thought of that. Instead of coming on the program.

He was slowly increasing the temperature of your water every single day so that one day when you took a shower, you'd be boiled alive and you never realized it. Oh my God, that sounds like a terrible way to die. Yeah. And you saved me from this? How did you, what did you do? I squished him.

You squished him, you what? Squished him. I squished him! You killed this guy? I squished him, he's in your wall, but he's gone. All right, Scott? That's just one of the things I did for you today. I always thought a guardian angel saved you,

like sort of gently pulled you back when you were about to walk in front of a bus or, you know. That's a stereotype. Oh. Sorry, mumps. So you just, you killed someone who was gonna murder me. He's gonna murder you really slowly over time and I killed him.

Can I ask you a question about the logistics of the shallow? And I have a follow-up, yeah, but go ahead. Okay. I do have a question. Yes, I think we all do. About the hot water. Yeah. Now, if it's incrementally going up, what about the shower right before him burning

up? Isn't he going to have a lot of burns from it? That's where my head goes, like logically. Like it's not a binary thing, like, you know, a shower is safe and shower burns. Yes, exactly. Yeah, you'd think that, wouldn't you? But you'd be a fucking idiot.

You'd be a fucking idiot. All right, okay. You'd be a fucking idiot. That's all I wanted. Point taken. Do you know how strong the human skin is? No. Test it. That's all I wanted. Point taken. Do you know how strong the human skin is? No. Test it. Test it now.

Ow. You just pinched yourself, Eddie. I know, I don't know how else to test it. You might have weak skin. Most people, including Scott, have very strong skin. Oh, I didn't know. So it takes a long time. If you accost, you can accustom yourself to burns.

As someone who died of mumps, I know this. When did you die of mumps, sir? Yeah, when did you die of mumps? Or ma'am. Excuse me? Sir or ma'am, I don't know your pronouns yet. And I'm not gonna tell you. I died of mumps in 1921, so I missed the Great Depression,

which kind of sucked. And- It sucks that you missed the Great Depression? Or just the Depression sucked in general. I wish I was there. Huh. Because it's like these big moments in history and you died just before it. Yeah, I know.

I guess. Doesn't that, it doesn't bum you out? I mean, I, kind of missing that. I kind of hope I die before the apocalypse. Yeah, I'm hoping I die soon. I can help with all of that. You don't wanna see how you would react? I know I'd react badly.

Yeah, I've been around some tragedies and I see how I react. Yeah. I prefer not to. You react like a yellow-bellied coward. Come on, Tootie. You're standing strong because it's yellow. I tell you how you act in the face of tragedy.

You lay there and take the win when it's not yours. But tonight, I'm coming back. I'm not doing shit with you tonight. I'm sorry. Yeah. You're saying this person in Scott's wall was incrementally increasing the temperature of the shower to boil him alive.

Correct. How long had this person been doing it before you intervened? I can only intervene, it's like a therapist, right? If you go to your therapist every day, and you're like, eh, I'm kind of gonna kill myself. Boy, boy that's a little too often they can't really do anything until you stop saying kinda oh and then they have to they have to be like we gotta tie you out back so they get on the phone and go okay he stopped saying kinda send somebody

you've been following me around to my therapist as well every day this man walks in and goes well I'm kind'm kind of going to kill myself today. Who goes to a therapist daily? What therapist would take on clients daily? But you let this person incrementally increase the temperature. I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. I said, maybe he's going to stop.

Right? Because I can't control fate, Pat. And there's a lot of stuff happening to you. I see your guardian angel kind of playing and being like, let's see if it'll happen. Let's see if I need to intervene. Yeah, wait, where is my guardian angel right now? Yeah, where's...

Where the fuck is my guardian angel? Yeah, where's beheading? Is there a network of guardian angels? Absolutely. You only come to Earth when something really dire is gonna happen. So I came to Earth this morning when that guy was gonna kill you.

Oh, so you've been hanging out up in heaven or wherever? I'm hanging out most of the time because most of the stuff I can kind of do from a far, you know, remote working. Like on Zoom. It happened in COVID and stuff. Yeah, we have Zoom and stuff up there. So I've been doing Zoom stuff. Oh, cool! Yeah, Zoom is an incredible telecommunication program. Yeah.

It costs like $30 a month. What about Google Workplace? I don't like Google Workplace. It's a little buggy. Skype, you know, just went out of business. It did? It's so sad, it's so arbitrary, right? It might exist. Guys, we're kind of in the weeds right now.

Can we get back to the show? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So am I your first client? You're my first client. What were you doing in between 1922 and 1996 when I was born? Okay, Scott. I have your birth certificate.

Shut the fuck up, Mumps, come on, man. I have your birth certificate. Kids listen to up, Mumps. Come on, man. Kids listen to this show. I know where you were born. They want to think I'm cool. Do you know about 1984 at the Fulton County Stadium? Were you there to protect him? I may have been. Question number two. You don't have to number your questions, Tootie. You can just ask whatever you want. Is that squished man's body still in Scott's wall? And will it start to stink? That squished man's body is in your wall, but you don't have to worry about that

because it's your shower, so that's the place that's kind of- Oh, it gets it clean, yeah. Well, yeah, it's gonna be the least thing. If it was like behind your bed, I would have, you know, you would have probably seen me this morning hanging out, taking the trash bag, moving that guy out. So you do clean up if it's really gonna stink. If it's in the shower, it's like,

do you need to wash or bar of soap? If he's getting water in the walls of his bathroom, he will develop mold. That is true. Oh, and it's hot? I think you're wrong on the science on this. I think the shower is the cleanest place in the house. I'll tell you what I'm wrong about, Scott.

What's that, Tootie? I'm wrong that I should have got here weeks ago before this squished man was in your walls and I should have hit in your walls and smacked you on the ass when you get out the shower. But then you would have been squished. It sounds like months is very proactive. I would have done something to you, man.

I'd like to see you try. You think you're so strong, Tootie. This weekend. What? At the Sheraton. Oh, God. You wanna fight me? In Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Are you challenging an angel to a fight? I challenge an angel, I challenge a devil. I challenge a dog and a cat. This didn't work out too well for Jacob, the famous Jacob. Yeah, I don't know. Be a dressel the angel. Yeah, exactly. Tootie, do you ever wonder why your life is so hard?

Please tell me, because I've been wondering. This is 84, at the Poltergeist Stadium. Your guardian angel is pissed. At who? At you. Me? He's pissed at you, man. I have a second question.

What? Why? Wait, can you be assigned to guard someone that you don't like? Absolutely. How does that happen? You ever be in a group project with someone you think stinks? Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's a good point. in a group project with someone you think stinks?

Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, as comedians, we're mainly solitary performers. Right. Why do I have to prop this other person up? But then patent executive produced every show. Okay, this is a perfect example. You're a guardian angel, okay, cholera, cholera 2, second person to dive cholera.

Sounds hot. Cholera 2. Second person to cholera 2. Wow. Cholera too. Two rad two two-y situation. Kind of is executive producing your life, right? But thinks he stinks. Imagine, let's say, I'm sure your work is so amazing.

I haven't seen it, I don't have beeps. Beeps is very expensive. Or it could be cheap. We have no idea what a beeps thing is. It's very reasonable. It's $12, please. God. And I'm sure you're really funny,

but let's say you hated his work. Wouldn't it be tough to executive produce? Wouldn't you almost want it to fail? Wouldn't I pass on exec producing it? But you can't pass because it was an assignment that one of our Hollywood ambassadors, like Sly Stallone and Mel Gibson and John Voight, assigns Eddie

to you. That's some triumph. So my John Voight assigned me to Scott. Well, your John Voight is God. My John Voight is God. And I like you. I think you're trying. Okay, well, that's the most any of us can do.

I don't think she hates, well, sorry, he, she. I'm not telling. Mumps does sound a little exasperated with you. Right, but Cholera 2 just hates Tootie over here. Just openly hates. Cholera 2 thinks you stink. I don't stink. I tell you who stinks.

Scotty Oates. Everybody around you. Cause of the diarrhea. When I knock the common projects off his feet. Listen, listen, Tootie, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. We got cheers up there, you know? Cheers at the bar? Yeah, we got our own bar. We got our own cheers. Do you have your own? I mean, George Wentz, 2D, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. We got cheers up there, you know? Cheers at the bar? Yeah, we got our own bar.

We got our own cheers. Do you have your own? I mean, George Wentz, of course, a great friend of the show. He just passed away. We have George Wentz. George Wentz. The real George Wentz.

When he showed up, did everyone just go, Norm? Yeah, and he got pissed. Yeah, I can imagine. He's like, I thought I would escape that. Well, he's like, I'm changing my name to Heart Failure. He's also like, where was my Guardian Angel looking at? Although hang on. Tell me.

If he died of heart failure, does someone have George Wynn as a Guardian Angel named Heart Failure? Yes. Has he been assigned to someone yet? George Wynn is in line. He's in line. Heart Failure is in line right now. He's the first person to die of heart failure.

He's in line. I'm not sure the math on that check. They ideally try to match you, but sometimes it's kinda just like, I don't know, both of you are available at the same time. So we're waiting on a few people to drop. But if you're in line, stay in line, heart failure. Exactly.

That's the sense I'm getting with Mumps and Scott, which is that just you two. I think it was just you two, but sometimes you're kind of like, you're a little bit dynamic. Do you have rush hour here? The movies? The movies?

We have three of them. Is that how many there are up in heaven? Tons more. Oh wow. That sounds fucking awesome. That sounds great. I can watch a black man and Asian man all day long. You know, and this is why Colorado 2 was kind of interested.

Colorado 2 is Asian. And 2 was kind of interested. Caller 2 is Asian. And he was interested in staying with you for a little bit of a rush hour effect. But we have a bunch of rush hours up there and they're very funny for us. I don't know the reason you guys find them funny, but it's kind of a pair you wouldn't put together. You don't know that they work.

That's a lot of the reason why we like them down here. Interesting, never seen yours. But up there, yeah, it's a big part of reason why we like them down here. Interesting, never seen yours, but up there, yeah, it's a big part of it. Right, interesting. Can I ask how many people have you murdered to save me over the years? Today?

No, over the course of my lifetime. Today? Okay, well, today, three, you're doing a lot of stuff you don't realize is bad, Scott. So Scott fell down his stairs, funny, didn't stop it. Thanks, by the way. And went to go pour himself some coffee, ew. And so as he's putting it in his little Nespresso machine or whatever, he almost freaking burns himself.

Oh. And you might think, oh, that's not a person you murdered. It's another guy under your little cabinet. Wait, there's another guy who is under the Nespresso? Under the Nespresso. I'm sorry, what do people need to do around Scott where you leap in and just murder them? This was another person-

Is he always in danger or is like- Yeah. If someone cuts him off in a grocery line, what happens? Give me that microphone, I'll tell you. If Scott would have cut me off in a grocery line, I would have stuffed down his throat all the Granny Smith apples I just bought. How many do you usually buy? And then I would be forced to get out of line.

You making pie? What are you doing? Those are tart. I eat that, of course they are tart. Tart, hmm. Hate it. Love that word. Great sources of fiber.

It just seems like you kind of have an itchy trigger finger as far as stepping in for Scott you kid... Stepping in... Yeah, for Scott. I don't want to feel responsible for the deaths of hundreds, if not thousands of people. Like the guy holding him alive, that's legit. I get it, but... Yeah, a guy underneath my floorboards. What other people have you intervened with?

Well, Scott, do you remember your 11th grade English teacher? Yeah, no, yeah, I do actually. Yeah, Mr. McCarthy? Yeah, Mr. McCarthy. Yeah, Mr. M we used to call him. It's a nice nickname. Yeah, sometimes double M because of the Mr. Right.

Yeah, M squared, sometimes we walk in and go, M squared, what's up? Yeah, it's funny. He's a great guy. And M squared, he'd go, what? He's an English teacher. Oh. Yeah, he doesn't know math.

Scott, one time he was giving you a hard time about a paper. Right, right. This is maybe my only oopsie. He said he's gonna give you a D minus and you got mad. You said, why, I worked really hard on this. I read War and Peace, it's really long. Isn't that impressive?

Which that's what Scott was kind of like in high school. Right. You know, kind of being like, I'm impressive. I get it. Right, okay. Yeah, I did, enough of the editorializing. Do you wanna know what year he was in high school? Because I have his birth certificate.

Oh, I'll leave that up to Scott. Come on, moms, come on moms. Back on track. But I gave that guy kind of the what's what, you know, after you left 11th grade. Why not before he gave me the D minus? Cause he did give me the D minus. He wasn't an F, you see, I'm not crazy.

But you killed him after I left 11th grade? I said it was an oopsie. Why are we all mad at me? You should be grateful. Why are we really all mad? She stopped him from touching you on your private plots. Exactly. He could have been a pedophile.

He wasn't. He was a nice teacher that I squared. I've killed a lot of teachers that could have been pedophiles to you. And you never said thank you. First grade teacher, that would have been super pedophilia when you're really little. Okay, but was the teacher a pedophile?

Not yet. Okay, I feel terrible. I feel like I'm walking around and it's a death sentence for anyone I come into contact with and it's all because of you. If they're contacting you, and if you're a child, which you kind of claim you are, but I've got the birth certificate and I can announce-

Please, moms, please, moms, tell me you're not going to kill these three here who are the- If any of you touch Scott. Great friends of mine, Patton and Eddie, and I'm looking down at his name, Tootie Rivers. Give me that microphone. You can't kill me. Tootie, I- God named you Mumps.

Why not, Tootie? I'd like to see you try. Tootie, I like to see you try. Tootie, I got to tell you, your guardian angel is off the clock. He does not like to work with you. Maybe that's why I've been getting cheated by Scotty Aux in the Rattling Rings since 1984. He says, it's embarrassing. When we're at Heaven Cheers, cheers.

Yeah, you guys just call it cheers. We just go cheers. When he's in Heaven cheers, he's going, we're all talking, we're all talking, train and shop, you guys go to a bar and talk about, I don't know, a joke you said. Yeah. Sure. Pretty much, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm hooking out with Eddie in bars, that's pretty much the conversation all the time. Hey, I did this bit, yeah. And then someone goes, cool, and you leave. Yeah, these are the exact conversations that we have. Yeah, I say, where are you going? It sounds like Mumps is on the job and cholera is just not. goes cool and you leave. These are the exact conversations that we have. I say where are you going?

Sounds like Mumps is on the job and cholera is just not. Cholera 2. Cholera 2, sorry. Cholera is fantastic. Who's cholera the guardian angel of? Lenny Kravitz. Whoa. He was maybe taking a break that time

he split his pants open and his dong fell out. Guess what? No he wasn't. Huge publicity bump, am I right? I mean people loved Lenny Kravitz now because of him. He was taking a break that time, he split his pants open and his dong fell out. Guess what? No he wasn't. Huge publicity bump, am I right? I mean people love Lenny Kravitz now because of that. Did that have a wardrobe malfunction? Yeah, his whammy bar just came out there while he was playing guitar.

He was doing a dance with some leather pants and his dangle-langle. Started dangle-langle. A guy was backstage, he cut- Oh, hang on, he just dropped some bars there, thank you. Thank you Mr.. Betty Ass. You wrestle with the English language. So you're saying that Guardian Angel was like, you know what, his record sales are plateauing, what can we do here?

Well, and the Guardian Angel saw a guy going backstage trying to cut open his leather pants, almost stopped him, then said, hold up, we're gonna be good for record sales. So let the plants split on stage, his penis fell out. Did Cindy Lauper's guardian angel make the bird poop fall in her mouth while she was singing as well? Absolutely.

So there was a guy that was squeezing a bird up in the rafters on top of the concert venue. And they were squeezing the bird and he thought, wait a minute, maybe I gotta stop that. Maybe I gotta stop that. But then he said, hold on, this is gonna be good pub for sin. Let him squeeze it, fell right in her mouth. I think none of us were listening because we were all just laughing at the memory of this happening. It's pretty unreal, right?

I know. We're doing a lot of stuff. Remember that time a lollipop... Now that you pointed out this way, it does feel like something, it would have to be arranged by some kind of celestial being. What if he are? Yeah, exactly. Remember that lollipop stick that went into David Bowie's eye while he was singing?

What? Look up a picture of it. Are you kidding me? He's like singing into a microphone and a stick is just like... Someone threw his eye? Yeah, picture of it. Are you kidding me? He's like singing into a microphone and a stick is just like his eye. Yeah, someone threw it. In any case, it sounds to me more like these guardian angels are like PR people

up there in heaven for people. Yeah, we get 10%, you don't notice? I mean, I've wondered where all my money is going. It's going up there to heaven to you? I take 10%, baby. What do you need money in heaven for? It's like a status thing. Oh, just the face. I don't know.

Is it like that down here? Sort of. Oh, it's definitely like that down here. Get that mic. You're right in front of me. It's definitely like that down here because Mr. Scotty Alps walk around parading his money all the time. All the time he walk around.

Look at those headphones he got on. Beat by Dre. Yes, I exclusively listen to Beats by Dre while I'm performing the show. Well, look, mom, so we have to take a break. I appreciate everything you've done for me, but I don't know that I love, I mean, how many people have died?

Thousands? Today? No, no, I'm talking about the, stop saying today. I'm talking about my entire life. Well, all your teachers, gone. Every teacher? I mean, I don talking about my entire life. Well all your teachers gone every teacher who's I mean you're welcome You're welcome, I didn't want you to get sexually harassed at work so anyone you work in an office with Horrible I'm so many dead. Yeah, you're welcome. Have you ever been sexually asked at work? No, but I thought that was cuz I'm ugly Scott no all these people were it sexually harassed at work? No, but I thought that was because I'm ugly. Scott, no.

All these people were itching. They were into me? To sexually harass you. God damn it. Well, why did you let them? They were moments away. Moments away. I could tell.

Shit, I've been lonely my entire life. Well, look, we got to take a break. Mumps, can you stick around? Yes, and I have to. All right, well, we're going to take a break. We'll be right back with more Eddie Pepitone, more Patton Oswalt, more Tootie Rivers, more Mons. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this! Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Eddie Pepitone.

The special is The Collapse. It's out on veeps.com slash Eddie Pepitone. Or you just go to Veeps. I'm sure it'll be right there on the main page. And we also have, Pat Oswald is here, of course. Hi. Of stage and screen? Stage? I don't know. Comedy stage.

Comedy stage, yeah. You ever want to do a play? Speak the speech, I pray you. I would love to do a play. Waiting for Godot, maybe. Oh my God. The two of you and waiting for Godot. One man waiting for Godot.

Oh yeah. Or, I like how quickly you shunted Eddie off to the side. Or do a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern version of Waiting for Godot where it's just Godot trying to get there. Yeah, and like all the troubles that happen. It's taking forever. They're going to be so pissed at me. Did they have subways back then?

I bet they did. Eddie has to leave in a second. Again, we're promoting the special. He's going to go to... Oh, okay. Eddie, you have to go? Well, he's doing a thing on Jubilee where he is going to debate 20 fascists and he's going to battle rap them.

Oh, okay. That sounds cool. All right. Well, Eddie, thanks so much for hanging out. Thanks for having me, everybody. Please watch the special. Yeah, take care of yourself. We also have 2D Rivers is here.

Give me that microphone. Jesus Christ. I ain't going nowhere, Scott. I've asked you to stick around. I'm staying right here. That's fine. And I'm gonna knock that Eureka's Castle tattoo right off your left ass cheeks, Scott.

Okay, please don't. That's my one possession that I cherish above all the rest. Cause my time has come. The people's time has come. Okay. You represent the people. I represent the people. You're the one causing diarrhea

in any arena you go into. Cleaning out they guts. I guess it is a lot like a, what do you call those? A diuretic. I guess so. I like diarrhea is right in the title of that. It's very clear.

It's good messaging. You know what I mean? We also have mumps. My guardian angel is here. Did you kill anyone during the break by chance? It was necessary, Scott. Who's dead now? There was a guy. There was a guy in the wall outside. Why are there so many guys in my walls? Oh, I have to be a guardian angel and a contractor? Get out of here. Get out of here. That's a good joke by the way. That is really good.

Stop, no. Stop, no. It was good, it was good. Were you a comedian in the 20s or? What did you do when you were alive, Mumps? What did I do? No, you don't wanna know. No, I do.

Mumps, what was your name? What did you do? My name was Sam and I... Sam, Sam and-am. Sam and-am? Sam and-am. Sam and-am.

Sam and-am. And I used to, I drove the first Ford around. The first Ford. The first one. The Model T. The Model T. You were that guy. I was the guy.

I'm sorry. Were you a delivery person or your job was just to drive the first Ford around? So I was kind of a model. And I drove it around to make sure people, cause so people were freaked out when cars came out. You don't, Scott might remember, but the rest of you might not.

But like, when cars came out, people were scared. It was like, what if there was a scarier horse? Yes. Yeah. Cause horses are terrifying if there was a scarier horse? Yes. Yeah. Because horses are terrifying. I call cars scarier horses. Absolutely. I've always called them that.

A kind of uncontrollable horse. And if you want them to catch on, you can't have people see ugly people driving. You gotta find a model. Yeah. So the original model T had an ugly person driving it. Oh. So you weren't the first, you were?

No, I was the replacement. This guy hid-dee-us. Wow. Hid-dee-us. Just put a bag over it? I don't even think a bag would help. Yeah. Because of the shape underneath. Just to, you guys didn't have the term fugly back then,

but that's what we've come to call it now. Oh, that sounds like pasta, what is that? Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, I love the pasta, yeah. Hey, everybody. Eddie's back. Yeah. Hi everybody. Eddie's back. No. Oh wait, no, who is this?

My name is Kevin Titullio. Oh, Kevin Titullio. Yes, I run a bakery in New York City. Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought our friend Eddie just left and I thought he came back to pick up his, his collection of glasses that he left on the table. No, no, no.

Oh, he did forget his glasses. Anyway, I just want to say. Who are you, sir? I'm sorry. I gave it to Leo and I just want to promote my bakery. Oh, we didn't have you booked on the show today, sir. I know, I saw the door and I was like, oh, company bang bang.

You shouldn't put a big sticker on the door that says the company. Yeah, that's my bad. Anyway, I want to say that I love what you do bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,

bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, My wife and I were on vacation here. We're trying to see back draft, but we can't find the studio. Oh, the Universal Studios back draft? Yeah. They took it out. Yes, I know.

We're very disappointed. What did they replace it with? The Mario carts or something like that? No, the Mario roller coaster. The roller coaster is there instead. Oh, wow. And just like Mario, I'm going to jump on your turtle shell, Scott. Okay, please don't.

New York City at the Millennium Hilton, Times Square. Why do you fight in so many hotels? They got great ballroom. Well, I find them relaxing. Hotels? Yes. I sleep in them a lot. I sleep, I go to the pool.

The two main things you do in hotels. Yeah, I go to the pool. I like going to the fitness center even though they're depressing. Yeah. The fitness center. They are, yeah. The most depressing room in the hotel usually.

Yes, I go to a fitness center and what I like to do is eat my cannolis. Oh, so you make cannolis? I make them homemade, Scott. That's why I'm here. I wanna talk to people about the lost art of the cannoli. You take a cream and then you make it. I mean, that's not very specific instructions.

Oh, well, I'm gonna give you my secret. Oh, that's true. You're gonna suck on my dick. I'm kidding about that. Yeah. I wasn't gonna take you up on it if you were worried, but. No. Have you ever watched Stanley Tucci trips around Italy?

Yeah, it's a great program. A friend of mine told him he should do that. Yeah. Yes, yes, I heard that. Anyway. Anyway, folks. Anyway, please come to my bakery. It's called Tutullio's. Tutullio's. In what part of New York City? Anyway, folks. Anyway, please come to my bakery.

It's called Tutulio's. Tutulio's, in what part of New York City? We don't know. I'm sorry, does the bakery exist? No. No. I'm sorry. What's happening?

I'm scared. You a yellow-bellied coward. I thought I smelled a loose tootie. You know what? Come on, dude. You're confrontational, sir. You haven't diarrhea'd yourself, have you? Well.

I mean, I don't mean- That has nothing to do with this. I don't mean in your entire life. I mean right now. Oh, okay, okay. No, not right now. I'm on Imodium. Okay.

So you don't have a bakery. It's an imaginary bakery or it's an aspirational bakery? What exactly... What is an aspirational bakery? You mean like you're dreaming of opening a bakery. I'm thinking of opening a bakery. So why are you... So you're not even dreaming about it, you're thinking about it. Yeah, yeah. It's going to happen?

I'm thinking. My wife says I never followed through, so I thought if I come on a podcast and say, come to my bakery, I'd have to. It would light a fire under me. Once you say, well, once you say something on a podcast. That's true. Podcast truth. You have to do it. Yeah. Oh yeah.

So, I mean, unfortunately this is going out right now and it takes... Oh, when is this going? I thought this wasn't going to come out for about five years. No, no, no. No, no, no. Oh, I got this coming? I thought this wasn't gonna come out for about five years. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, I gotta get a cracking. I don't think you're gonna be, I mean, first of all, you sound like Harry Hamlin in Clash of the Titans. But secondly...

I don't know who that is. But secondly, I, I, I, it takes a long time to do these kind of things. I don't think you're gonna be able to open a bakery. Maybe a pop-up? Well, can I just say this fear and hesitation, like if you had like a, I don't know, like a guardian angel to look, to guide you. Oh, now I gotta be everybody's guardian angel. No, no, no, no, I wasn't. Are you taking on any clients, moms?

Pat, do you want two full-time jobs? No, I don't. Maybe three full-time jobs. No, no, no. Well, Patton is a stand-up comedian, he's an actor, and he's a loving father and husband. He's my manager. And he's manager.

I don't remember that happening. You're gonna get four to six percent. Oh, listen, if you have someone better to offer me, I'm willing to trade in Scott. I'll say that now. I mean, first of all, I don't love the deaths that are happening around me, but if there are this many people hiding in my walls.

Do you have someone that appreciates me? Okay. Or do you only have people that are annoyed? If you go with Titullio, because it's gonna take a lot of people for you to open this thing, but if you take on Mumps as your guardian angel, there's just gonna be deaths around you everywhere.

Yeah, a lot of people, the permitting process, you know, all the people, the red tape standing in your way, is what somebody's looking for. I hate the red tape. Okay. Ugh. Would you kill all of the people in the mayor's office

who are like standing in the way of this bakery opening? If they were standing in a way that I viewed as potentially pedophilic to you. What the hell? It sounds to me like you have a hangup about this. I would absolutely kill them and smush them dead. Release the Aukerman list. I mean, you were-

I have the Aukerman list at Stapleton's were- I have the Aukerman List, it's stapled to, birth certificate. You know, not many people want to be teachers and you're eliminating teachers, it sounds like. Sounds like you have an issue about this, like in the 20s, I mean, you were a model in the 20s? I don't know. I was a model in the 20s. I replaced an ugly person.

What was the modeling world like in the 20s? Was it as predatory as it is? It was incredibly predatory. It was beautiful. If you were just a hot young buck walking... Wait, you were the predator? Yes! Why do you think I know so much about them? Oh, you're trying to atone?

I can spot a predator. Because I am a predator. I can see the behavior. I see the hand gestures, Patton. I can see what people are doing. I can see the behavior. I see the hand gestures, Patton. I can see what people are doing. I can see pre-crime, okay? Pre-crime. That's a new Netflix category.

You know, who better to catch a predator than a predator himself? That's why I've never trusted that Chris Hansen guy. That is true. He needs to do the work. Yes. But then, okay, if this is something you're so upset, then why would, I'm sorry, why would-

Tootie over here or- Give it up. Why are you talking about Kevin? Why is Tootie's guardian angel not interested in him? Yes, exactly. What's going on? You tell me. You guys go to bars, right?

You talk about a joke, we talked about this. Yeah. No, that was a different- Oh, no, that was not me. Oh. Oh yeah, I that was not me. Oh. Oh yeah, I don't know you very well. Kevin Titullio goes to bars and talks about the last cannoli.

Oh, you go, hey, I made some cream today. They go, yeah, whatever. There you go. I go there to forget. But so, so, so Tooties, what's going on there? So at our Cheers, we're swapping stories. I get to say, oh, Scott Ackerman, comedy legend bumped his head today and it was funny.

It was really- It's very flattering. It was really funny and I get to be the top of the town. I guess you don't see that kind of thing when you're living it, but from the outside perspective, that's so flattering. Yeah, in heaven you're a legend. On earth, I don't know, a lunatic?

Okay, but, all right, maybe. Knock, knock. Pull back, pull back, pull back. Wait, wait, wait. Knock, Scott? Who's this? back, pull back. Wait, wait, wait. Scott? Who's this? Hey, it's your old pal.

Wait, sir, step into the light. Who are you? You can't recognize me? It's me, yours truly. It's not O.J., is it? It absolutely is, Scott. Hey, O.J. Simpson. I got a summons to be a guardian angel.

What? Oh, no. Sorry, guys, Patton and Kevin Titullio and Mumps, this is OJ Simpson. He was a football player in the 70s and 80s and then he was in the Naked Gun and then I lost track of what he was up to in the 90s. Sports memorabilia enthusiast. Sure, yeah. Very into sports memorabilia.

Old age? Old age? I'm an older guy, yeah. How did you die again? Me? Oh, also heart stuff. Heart stuff? Is that your new name? Heart stuff. You died of a guilt, my friend. Guilt about what? Oh, because I got my stuff back. You stole your stuff back. Yeah, you know, not everybody everybody's perfect Scott. I didn't even realize this was your address Oh, I thought I had it memorized. Oh

Please don't say it over the air. But uh, so wait 1313 mockingbird lane Come on, okay. Give away my assassination coordinates Look oh, wait mumps get ready. You're gonna have a busy weekend. That's all I'm saying Yeah, so you're you got a call to be what? To be a guardian angel. Scott, this is so awkward. Wow. You're quitting Mumps?

While we were talking just now, I put in my resignation to- No, Mumps! To John Voight. I've just kind of, I'm tired. To John Voight? Is that what you call God? To our John Voight.

Yeah. I'm just kind of, to be age, sick of it. I don't get any appreciation from you. And I'm so tired of all the people I have to kill for you to be safe. Look, I'm sorry. That must be horrifying to have to murder that many people. But I do appreciate you, Mom.

So I look at you. Get to you, do you mind come over here for a second? It must be horrible to murder people. Look, get to you, T-Mai, come over here for a second. It must be horrible to murder people. Pfft. OJ's a, I feel like OJ is too close to me to be able to do this job correctly. You guys are friends?

I don't think he has the heart for it, you know, to really keep me safe and do what you've been doing, the hard work of murdering people. Oh my God, you're in good hands with OJ. He's really sweet, he's very attentive in kind of a scary way. He's gonna pay attention to you a lot. Super attentive.

I worry that if someone were to be rude to me, like I go to a restaurant and a waiter is rude to me or something, he's not gonna have a heart to do anything to a waiter. As long as he doesn't leave his glass. You're worried. Like Eddie Pepitone did? Eddie Pepitone left his glass.

I guess I gotta go take them back. Oh no, no, no, that's okay. You're worried that he's too soft for you? Yeah, he's too soft. He's a good buddy of mine. Yeah, yeah. Listen, listen. I think you're gonna have an incredible time with him.

He is a big sweetie, but I think this could be helpful. He's a cutie pie. I think this could be helpful for you to switch energies because I'm your kind of standard tough guy, tough guy guardian angel. And maybe you need a big softie. Cause I think you're too delicate for me. You're crying about all these teachers I killed

and you're not being cool about it and you keep bringing it up. And it's just like, it's like, we're already over it. Look, I'm sorry. I know everybody dies and maybe you're just accelerating that for people. Totally. I feel bad, Mumps everybody dies, and maybe you're just accelerating that for people. Totally. I feel bad, Mumps.

I don't want you to leave. Look, Mumps, I appreciate you. Thanks. Thank you. Mumps, I haven't seen you at the bar in days. Oh, OJ, it's, I'm trying, I'm on an antibiotic. Oh, you're on an antibiotic? Yeah.

You got something going on? Yeah. BV. BV? What is, hey, I'm over here too. What is BV? Big, big virus. Big virus? That's something that's going around up here in heaven. Hey you guys whisper about something. Oh uh, yay! Come on in. What the going on? Patton, come over. Oh yeah. Mom says BV. She's got a big virus? Yeah have a big virus, so I can't drink because I'm on an antibiotics diet.

Oh yeah, I can't do that. And sometimes when you go to the bar, I don't know if you ever have this, you're like, I should just get a drink, but I don't want a drink. And then you're like, I'm going to seltzer with bitters, but bitters has alcohol in it. Oh, oh, bitters has alcohol in it? I just thought it was something bitter. I actually don't know, I'm kind of talking in my ass. Oh yeah, I thought it was just something that you, Yeah, but I'm not a mixologist or anything.

Right, Donko? We're gonna serve... I used to be addicted to bitters. Oh, Kevin, you're over here too. No, we're gonna serve the bitters in my bakery. In the cannolis? No, no, we're gonna have a little bar, a bitters bar. Just a bitters bar?

Yeah, yeah, I don't wanna say it too loud. Oh, you will. You don't want someone stealing your idea? Yeah, Peter's Bar, no bakery, has it? No bakery? No bakery. I could be the spokesperson for your bakery. I would love it.

You want O.J. Simpson or Tootie to be the spokesperson? Give me that microphone. Tootie, you've been really silent here. I could be the spokesperson of your bar. I'd take a pass on that. I want OJ to be there. OJ, it sounds like you have a lot of work here with Kevin Titullio's bakery and his bitters bar.

I don't know that you have time to be my guardian angel. I got news for you, Scott. I'll always be watching. Well, I appreciate that, OJ. Are you saying that you want me to take care? I think I am, Scott. Oh my gosh! Take care.

That's so nice. Thank you so much. And Mumps, I really want you to stick around. Is that okay? Fucking worry. And I want you to do it without all the heavy sighing. I want you to improve your attitude as well. Is that all right? No. Well, then no deal.

We don't know what gender mumps is, but let me tell you, all the sighing and stuff makes it seem like a woman. Hey, come on now. What? I'm old school. OJ, OJ, OJ's a little sweetie to women up in heaven, and down here, what, a little dude? Scott, you and I come from a different generation. I know, but that's such good friends.

O.J.'s in heaven? Absolutely. You've seen him up in heaven? Are you kidding? O.J.? I'm a little confused. I repented for stealing my stuff. Charisma King, Charisma King.

I mean, Riz gets you a lot up there. It really does. Oh boy. Padden Oswalt, I love your work. Hey, Padden, do you remember one time, you probably didn't know who the guests were that were using your name to get in this place. But there's a nice restaurant in Chicago

that you made a big reservation for and you did a really nice thing. They had great truffle popcorn, the best truffle popcorn I ever had in my life. That's right, this is with me as well. Yeah, it was with Scott Aukerman and O.J. Simpson. And I kept going around that place saying I'm a friend of Pat and Oskar's. I just said Scott Aukerman plus one. I didn't...

Yeah, no, I brought O.J. with me. And O.J. went around telling everyone that you sort of were the reason that we were there. I hope that's okay with you. To the staff or the other diners? Oh, everyone that you sort of were the reason that we were there. I hope that's okay with you. To the staff or the other diners? Oh, everyone that was there. Everyone? Yeah, he made a big announcement, I remember. You got on top of the piano.

Donald's on the piano, did a tap dance. Yeah, that was a bonus. Yeah, your guardian angel uses your name up there too. Oh boy. From a lot of Russian. Who is Patton's guardian angel, do you mind me asking? Yeah, did you guys know of a celebrity called, Shirley? Jeffrey Epstein?

Jeffrey Epstein. Did you know of a celebrity down here called Jeffrey Epstein? What is he called? Murder? He's called Murder or Suicide. Oh, they don't even know? They won't release it. They won't release, oh, even up there. But hey, at least those MLK files came out.

I'm satisfied. Well look guys, we're running out of time here. We only have time for... I'm so sorry, Kevin, we barely got to talk about your imaginary bakery. That's okay. But we only have time for one final feature, and that's a little something called Plugs. C'est fini les blacks Blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, blot, Oh, very nice. Gosh, that was Open Up the Plug Bag French Canadian Version by Monsieur Gravyfarts. Ha ha ha. Beautiful name.

Beautiful name. If you wanna be like Monsieur Gravyfarts and hear your plugs theme on the show, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and you'll find everything you need there. You can upload your tracks. You can find stems for remixes. Everything is over there, so head on over there.

And guys, what are we plugging? Patton Oswald, what do we plug in Pat and Oswald? What do you want to plug? Well in less than a month from the day you're listening to this August 24th another Pat and Oswald and friends Will be happening at the Largo. There was who are these friends? Yeah, I'd like never announced just idiots that you live next door to or is this like professional entertainers just my neighbors I bring them out. These are my friends.

We just talk about what's going on in the neighborhood. See, I have friends. Come and look at my neighbor, come watch my neighborhood watch basically. Well, this is great. And you do this quite often over there at the Largo. Once a month. Once a month.

These are good shows if you're in LA. Are you doing a tour or anything like that? Well, I have some tour dates coming up, but the one I have coming up in Eugene is sold out. I have three dates in October. Go to pattenalswell.com, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Gary, Indiana. Gary, Indiana. Gary, Indiana. No, no, not Gary, Flint, Michigan. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm going to Flint, Michigan, and I'm donating part of the proceeds from the show to the

Yeah, I went to Flint, Michigan and I'm donating part of the proceeds from the show to the The Clean Water Fund up there. Okay, but it's all on Patton Oswalt comm Go there grab your tickets. I'll see you on I'll see you on the road fantastic. Oh also I don't even know the day of this August something. I'm on a new episode of Star Trek strange new world. Okay. Yeah, those episodes start dropping a couple of weeks ago, so you're on one coming out. That's great. I'm on one coming out. That's a fun show. That's a very fun show. Yeah, all right.

Are you playing like some sort of alien stand-up comedian or something? I am playing a Vulcan. I got to play a Vulcan, yes, yes. So I'm very... The pointy-eared species of alien, perhaps you mean? Pointy-eared, unemotional species. Green blood.

Green blood. Green blood. Ponfar. Ponfarned up, baby. Okay. All right. This is fantastic. I can't wait to see this.

Mumps, what do you want to plug? I would like to plug that I'm looking for a new person. Oh, yeah. Just somebody to help, kind of, that could be a little more grateful than Scott was. No offense, I guess. How many people are living in my walls right now? That's not my job anymore. That's O.J.'s job.

By the way, it doesn't sound like they're living. By the way, are these people or are these rats? What are people here? People up there. I'm a person. Oh! Yeah, are these rats in my walls? Give me that microphone.

You're not no person. You a yellow-bellied coward. All right, Tootie, come on. You have a lot of pedophilic rats, I guess, living in your walls. It sounds like you're just an exterminator, like a heavenly exterminator. Whoa.

Yeah. I actually, I am very grateful that you're killing all the rats in my walls. So if you wanna stick around. I'm not, but I would like to promote, Rekha Shankar has a podcast called We Are Dead that is actually kind of pertaining to my whole thing, which is People in the Afterlife, doing a little talk show.

It's really fun. It's out on YouTube and wherever we get you podcasts. All right, fantastic. And Kevin Titullio. How are you, Scott? I'm doing good. I feel like we barely got to talk to you. I'm losing the accent, fantastic. And Kevin Titullio. How are you, Scott? I'm doing good. I feel like we barely got to talk to you. I'm losing the accent, but I want to-

I can't tell if it's culturally sensitive or- You know what? You're just a guy from- I'm just a guy. Anyway, from the north, maybe the south, who the hell knows? Anyway, I'd like to say, I want to plug something for Eddie Peppeton. Yes. Oh yeah, Kevin are there any uh comedy specials out that you're excited yes oh yes the collapse oh

i love the collapse the collapse i love it i love this one it's such anxiety reading yet absurd cartoony you know life affirming yet life-destroying. It has each instinct. As Freud said, we have destructive instinct and creative, and it's all in one special. The Collapse and Eddie is touring as well. He'll be at the Earl in Atlanta on August 1st. He'll be at Motoco in Durham on August 2nd, then it goes to the Catskills, then it goes to Washington DC, and then it goes to Pottstown, Pennsylvania, so go to his website, eddiepeppino.com, he's touring around, you know? Wow, okay, yeah, but if you don't want to do that, you can just watch the special, right? Same stuff, right?

Oh, I hope not. I hope not. I mean, you're not an expert on Eddie Peppino, I mean,. I hope not. I mean, you're not an expert on Eddie. I mean, you know all of his dates. Yes, I know all of his dates because, you know, I love him. But I think there's going to be a lot of material. Would you say you're the number one Eddie Pepitone fan? Probably. The Earl is such a good room and imagining Eddie Pepitone being down in Atlanta, Georgia at the height of August.

Dude, I mean, Kevin, Eddie is not looking forward to it. That's a new wrinkle to your character. You say dude. Yeah, sorry. I guess he is from New York. I don't know, you know, but yeah, I don't want to go to those places. Well, you don't have to. You're just a baker from New York City. Oh, I mean, Eddie doesn't want to go because of the weather, the climate breakdown, everybody washing away Florence, Hurricane.

Well, you know what I'm asking our listeners? If you're ready, go see Sweaty Eddie. Yes, Sweaty Eddie is I mean, 2025 is the year Sweaty Eddie. Sweaty Eddie, Sweaty Eddie, Sweaty Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie. I don't know if he would like that moniker, but yes. Yell it at him if you go see him. I'll see him guys. Give me that microphone.

Yes, 2D. While you're down there in Georgia watching Sweaty Eddie, you can come over to the Fullton County Stadium and watch me get my revenge on old Scotty Aux. I'm not wrestling you and I'm not gonna get diarrhea. They gonna be there. And I smell doo doo already, cause you're scared. You're scared Scotty Aux. I'm not wrestling you and I'm not gonna get diarrhea. They gonna be there. And I smell doo doo already, cause you're scared.

You're scared. I mean, you're an old infirm man, but I don't want to mess with you. Oh, I'm firm. All right. Anything else you want to plug? Absolutely. You can go over to this, do a whole bunch of podcasts

at patreon.com forward slash Hollywood handbook. It's a lot of stuff over there. I was just on that show. You were just on that? Yeah. How did you like it? Not a fan necessarily. I thought I smelled doo doo when I walked into the studio.

Or should I say the doo dee oh? Cause you had just left. Doo doo doo dee oh. So what about these guys? They make podcasts? They make podcasts. My favorite show is the one called The Flickr Ones, hosted by Hage, Devin Portia, and Clement and Carl Tart.

And just one question, do they ever drop the act? I still don't know. Okay. But what I do know is that you can also catch me at the Baltimore Improv Festival, not me, Carl Tart, with the big team at the Baltimore Improv Festival on August 1st. Oh yeah, Carl Tart. August 2nd. August 2nd. August 2nd.

One of those, but it's coming up a little later in the week, either Friday or Saturday? Saturday. Saturday. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. Saturday in the park. Saturday in the park. I think it was August 2nd. August 2nd in Baltimore.

Yeah, but Carl Tartt was just... So you can go see Sweaty Eddie or Hot Scott. Yeah. You got to pick. Absolutely. Hot Scott. Hot Scott. I don't think I'm going to be there, but Carl definitely. I will be there.

He will be there. Carl Tart was just nominated for an Emmy, I believe. Ah, that's pretty cool. You can also watch the show that he got nominated for, Saturday Night Live on Peacock. Yeah, that's right. Did he write any of the sketches that are on any of the shows? Absolutely, positively. Whole bunch of them. Fantastic. Well, I want to plug. Absolutely, positively. Ha ha ha. Whole bunch of. Fantastic.

Well, I wanna plug, hey, head over to CBB. I've mentioned it before, CBB World. You have all of these episodes, all the previous episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, all ad free, new episodes ad free. You also have CBB Presents episodes where people from Comedy Bang Bang host their own shows. You have my show, Scott Hasn't Seen,

where my friend Sprague the Whisperer and I watch movies that I haven't seen before. We're in the middle of Sprague Hasn't Seen month. I believe we just watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show for our special 199th episode live, and it was a good time, so you can go hear that over there. We also have College Town, The Neighborhood Listen, Ad Free Freedom, so much stuff over there.

All right, let's close up the old Plug Bag. Plug Bag! ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"]

["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"]

["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] ["Splug Bag"] All right, that was close. Well, there's more. Pfft. Okay, you fooled close. Well, there's more. Okay, you fooled me. Great job.

Scott, I can't believe you just doodooed. Wow. I'll tell you why. Thanks, that was Alex Shaduck with Clothesplugs. Thanks so much, Alex. And guys, I wanna thank you so much, Patton. Thanks for coming back. You're a great friend of the show. Thanks for having me. Thank you. And Kevin Titullio, please don't make this

your final appearance. I would love for you to come back. Oh, I would love to. Come back when you open the bakery. Yeah, and not until then. Okay. So about five years from now? I don't know, really.

And Mumps. Oh, Mumps. Can you stick around and kill a few more rats on your way out? What do you say? I would love to, but Scott, I don't know how much you're gonna be here. I just got a little debrief from OJ.

Got a little, he passed me a note. OJ, what's going on? I'm gonna be in the walls. Right here at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Okay, well, I guess the ghost of OJ Simpson living in my house, it's not the, I mean, it's, you know, it's at famous at least. And as soon as you go to sleep, all you hear is, take care, take care. Okay, I actually wouldn't mind that.

It's very soothing. Yeah. Yeah. And then Tootie. What? Thank you for being on, Tootie. Give me that microphone. Okay, there it is.

Now, let me tell you something, Scott. Yes. I'm going to be here and let me tell you something, Scott. Yes. I'm gonna be here and I'm not gonna be in the walls. I'm gonna be right outside in the moat, wrestling alligators, wrestling crocodiles, wrestling snakes, whatever you got out there in that moat,

it ain't gonna stop me. I'm back in your life, Scott. Welcome back. Welcome back, Scotter. Okay, I mean, welcome back to you, I guess. I'll throw some more stuff out there in the moat to keep you occupied, is that right? Sounds good to me. All right, and you know what sounds good to me is we'll see you next week.

Thanks everyone. Bye. END END END END END END

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