Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - 2025 Holiday Spectacular! (Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Anna Bezahler, Isabella Escalante, Dan Lippert, Lauren Lapkus, Gil Ozeri)

Episode Date: December 15, 2025

Scott Aukerman and co-host Jason Mantzoukas ring in the holidays with a special party for some of their best Comedy Bang! Bang! buddies. Guests include RFK Jr., Krendall, Austin & Tony, Soupsa Claus, Ho Ho the Elf, and an automated call from DeLuca’s Chophouse! Happy holidays from CBB! Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Goody Bang Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bank, Go Big, Go home, but please just go. Wow. Yes. Thank you to Mark C. Holden. Inviting the audience to leave immediately, your first line to be inviting them to leave is bold. That's right, but it's not my first line. It's, of course, Mark C. Holden.

Thank you to Mark C. Holden for that catchphrase submission submitted on January 6th. Wait for it. 2023. Okay. Okay. Do you think Mark is still a listener? I hope so. Like how many people have their...

It's been almost three years since you submitted that. and they don't even know because they have dropped the show. Recently, we've been going back to some of the ones that were originally submitted when we first set up this system of how to submit catchphrases, which I'm going to be honest, I have no idea what it is. There's a system for how to submit catchphrases? There's a certain place where people can do it. A certain place? Like what?

Like a dark drop that you go? I think it's much like a voting booth. It's private. Oh, God. Well, let's be clear. So the Russians have completely compromised your suggestions. thing as well? Yes, Jason. I don't like that evil voice. But thank you to Mark C. Holden. Hopefully you're still alive, still

a listener. Chances are, no. Yeah, probably. Oh, wow. Yeah. I think this show has a shelf life of about two years. So I'd be surprised. Yeah. You think the show has two years left, or people only listen for two year increments? People only listen for two year increments and then

they drop it. Do you think, yeah, I think especially for people who listen, who go in, find it, go in hard, listen to a lot. That burnout's got to be quick. Speaking of going in hard, let's welcome him to the show. And coming out quick. And burning out quick. Of course, one of our great friends he can be seen on Percy Jackson plus the Olympians. Oh my God. They plused those Olympians up. Are you one of the Olympians in that? What are they? Are you an Olympian? I guess so. I'm Dionysus. I'm a Greek god.

Oh, okay. So the gods of Olympus is who we're talking about it. So you're not competing in the Olympics. No, no, no. I'll like Jesse Owens. Although there is a chariot race in this season, I will say. You don't say. I don't part to. Beyonce. Beyonce.

Good. Beyonce? Anyway, there is a chariot race of Ben Hurstile and it's pretty crazy. What about Ben Him? Okay. When are we going to bring this back? It's Ben Her Him.

But please welcome him to the show. You know him as the co-host of the How did this get Bade podcast? Jason Manzugas is here. Thank you, Scott. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays.

Oh, we stokes the fire up. You have beautiful bellows. Thank you so much. Beautiful bellows to get that fire roaring. They call me Mr. Bellows sometimes. Yes, they call you Saul. From I Dream of Jeannie. Wasn't that Mr. Bellows?

Was he on that? He was a colonel. Hey, Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy. Colonel Bellows. That's right. Hey, happy holiday, Shibby. He was the big boss.

Oh, that's right. Hey, Shimmy, what have you been up to? What are you doing for the holidays? Yeah, where are you headed for the holidays? I'm whittling a church. Oh, wow. Like a miniature church? No, full size.

Holy cow. Why not make it 11 to 10 scale? Why? I want people to be able to worship. So here it'll be a slightly bigger. Without stooping over. So a functional church. A functional church.

Holy cow. Oh, wow. Will you have an amen corner there? Of course we will. Also dog paled. And what? These people here are people that like to go out sending on Saturday and they get absolved on Sunday. And what denomination will this be? It'll be Unitarian.

Oh, okay. And rotatarian. Oh, the Rotatorian? That's right. And Rostafarian. And Trustafarian. Okay. All right.

Well, that sounds great. When do you think you'll... Nobody else. When do you think you'll complete this? Oh, man. I just started on the spar. Okay, that's a great place to start from the top. Are you working top down?

Are you working? Top down, baby. Okay, okay, okay, good. So you're at the very beginning. You must be whittling from a large... That's a very good place to start. Sound of music. You must be whittling from a very large block of wood then, or are you doing it piece by piece?

It's huge. Wow. It takes up a full, just corner... It came in a natural block. Really? Yeah. From where? From when?

It's a giant tree. I'm a big square tree. One of our majestic Redwoods, I would assume, to have it be so big. It is equivalent to that on your earthly plane of existence. Hang on. Oh, wait a minute. Jimmy. Jimmy.

No, wait. He went straight up. Oh, my God. Jimmy's an alien? Yeah. He went straight up in a way that was alarming. How cool, though, that he's making a church. He was glowing, too.

The most important thing about him is this church. Well, I mean, the fact that he's been our friend for now five years, ever since he played in that band that played, uh, I don't know if Shimmy remembers his own lore Oh hey Shimmy, you're back Gotta go Okay, well This time he blinked out of existence

But that's not important What's really important is this church Yes, I'm so curious Also If in fact Shimmy is an alien That he is Christian That in and of itself tells us a lot That tells us me a lot

I'm a apostopharian Oh Shimmy is back I'm one of them That's right. Oh, he just bored straight down into the earth. I converted from

Spaghetti Monster. Oh, wow. It doesn't matter. We love Shimmy, don't we, folks? We love him. It's always nice during the holidays

to spend time with Shimmy. Is there a Shimmy? I'd love to listen. Is there a Shimmy compilation? That would be very fun because... It would last probably 20 minutes. It would be short,

but so impactful, I think. That's right. Shimmy, of course, the last time we saw during the holidays was, I believe, our holiday show at the Ace Hotel Theater a while back, and Batman rudely interrupted him before

we could really get into the details of what he was all about. And I like the Shimmy shows up for live shows as well. Not just studio shows. Yeah, and he was doing a full sit-down interview where he didn't have to go. Well, Jason, it's wonderful to see you. What a thrill. The holidays have been thrust upon us.

Have you done your decorating? it's zero decorating but about to decorate the tree is going up this week oh okay this is the perfect week for it because of course uh the the christmas is in about uh nine days or something sure it's about nine days so it's just the right time we've yeah we i i've taken down all of the christmas all of the thanksgiving uh decorations sure all the turkeys all the turkeys all the cornucopies horns o plenty i have so many horns of plenty i mean my my house is positively horny um uh yeah i I put all the pumpkins away, all the gourds, all of it. I'm bored of the gourd.

So now I'm going straight to the tree, baby. That's right. And, you know, you don't want it up too early because who wants a tree in their house for like, you know, six weeks? Yeah. Oh, only a lunatic. Only a lunatic that I happen to be married to has three trees up. First week of November. I'm shocked that she let it wait until November.

She had to wait until Halloween was over as to not cause confusion with our daughter. Of course. Who thinks that dressing up as a Christmas tree for Halloween is normal. Right, exactly. Well, are you, have you bought all your gifts for all of your loved ones? I've bought zero gifts. Once again, I am a... You're a last minute guy.

I'm a last minute guy. I will go to Maine where I will visit my family. And drain your main vein, of course. I will drain the main vein, of course, which is their sewage system, which is terrible. You're going to be there like a week. You'll probably pee how many times? Oh, I'll, you know, well, I've also stored up a bunch. Oh, okay.

So I'm bringing it there. But I will go to the main mall and I will, like, in a panic, run around to all, for the, like, how often do you interact with mall stores right now very infrequently? Yeah. I will go to a suburban main mall and try and buy gifts for everyone. On Christmas Eve? On Christmas Eve? Yeah.

Yeah. I did that on Christmas Eve once where I waited until the last minute and I went into a store at 445. Yeah. And then I suddenly heard something over the PA saying, we're closing in 15 minutes. It's like, no. Oh, no. And you end up with stuff that is like, I'm trying to convince my nieces. This game seemed cool.

I don't know. I read the back. Like, I've done no research. I'm not, this is not, it's bad. I ended up having to do just movie theater gift certificates for everybody. By the way, great. They're always open. I love a movie theater.

Can I get that? I think stores should always be open. No matter what store it is. I agree. You know what I mean? I agree because someone always needs it. Someone always needs it, so it should just be always. Who are you there for?

You know, the profits of the store's owner? No, thank you. Yeah, what are you taking out your abacus and going like, oh, if we open at 9 a.m., only three people come in. If we open at 10 p. 10 a.m. 5 people. You know what I mean? So doing all of the math as to like, what's?

So is the abacus counting the people or the hour? It's counting the people and how much they spend and then saying it's not worth it for us to be open at 9 a.m. because we've only maximized the profits of, you know, we've only made $30. Okay. And we've spent $80? $30? Exactly.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I mean, I can't do you, I'm not, I'd love to make $30. I'm not, $30. I'm losing money recording this podcast right now. Oh, boy. Aren't we all?

Aren't we all? Anytime I record a show, it's like, God. Oh, God. I see my stock profile just go down, down, down. Yes. My 401k just evaporating. You insist on recording every episode at Electric Ladyland Studios, which I'm so confused by. This must be so expensive.

What a great name. Electric Ladyland. That's like three great things. Yo. Electricity, ladies, land. And the land. I don't want to live in the sea. No.

Electric Lady Sea? No, thanks. If you could live in the sea, though. Or acoustic lady sea? Acoustic Mansy, I guess is what I'm going to be. Here's a question for you, Jason. If you were upon birth, if you understood English or perhaps, some heavenly body just kind of like

were able to psychically immediately become yeah and said would you like to be a man baby with human legs or a merman for the rest of your life who's that voice

I don't know who it is it's I'm not saying I believe in some old man up in the sky with a big white beard I need to know if this is a benevolent god or some sort of trickster god I don't know who's asking A low key Yes yes a low key loki loki

Uh-huh. But what would you choose? Would you choose Murman or would you choose Human Baby? Sorry, it is Human Baby with Murr Legs or Murr Man with Human Legs? Although that's a good question. I thought you were asking. He gives you four choices. I get four choices. Human baby with human legs. But it is a he. You are willing to gender this voice. Oh, sure. Okay. Of course, I don't want someone in charge up there that's not a key. So it is up there. Okay. Maybe in the briny deep, though. Okay.

Human baby with human legs Merman with fish tail Okay Human baby with fish tail Got it That lives on land Sure Or merman with human legs

Okay so And like an aerial kind of From Little Mermaid I guess so When she comes up with legs Well yeah but you But you have to live in the sea Oh I have to live in the sea

Yeah you can't breathe You can't breathe above water Oh okay You're not like Ariel where you're on that rock Going splash And singing the big song or anything like that Okay. Why this, why did you need to tell the splash? Because I feel like the big, I feel like the waves animated it too. The waves creased right behind her as she does it. Yeah, that's that flops on that rock. That's the cum. That's the cum shooting her out onto dry land. What? Listen up. I'm going to choose. You can't erase what you just said by saying listen up. I'm going to choose human baby human legs. Okay. I think. I'm going to choose. I'm going to go with what I'm human baby. Human baby. Human baby. human baby human legs i just heard that i had to rush in okay bye i gotta go oh my gosh um i did

have questions about the church um yeah i think i'm gonna choose what i'm gonna go with what i know scott and i'm gonna go with human baby human legs i'm gonna go merman human legs so i'm just swimming around underwater with my legs flap it around oh okay wait can you breathe underwater yeah oh okay that's pretty cool it's pretty cool right okay i'm i might join you in that because although i don't like being under the water. So I think, well, maybe I'd acclimate. If you join me in this, by the way, it's just the two of us. Boy, that fire is really roasting. I love when you hit those. Really toasting. I might need to take off a layer. Yeah. Oh. But yeah, we'd be the only two

down there. Is that okay with you? There's not a, there's not a race of. Wait, so why is it an option? It's a special option. It's a race of what? Yeah, yeah. Erase what? A race of what? A race of merman with human legs or just mermen in general. That who creates? It's our responsibility to propagate the species. Underwater. Underwater. So first we have to have sex with fish. So are these

Atlanteans? Oh, wait. No, we're the only two who are there? So are we then Atlanteans? Do we are we creating? I mean, we... If you're asking, will we start a society that we name Atlanta? Sure. Now, but I guess, but the other thing you're saying is we would have to start a

society there by fucking fish? I just don't want to walk by that. That's your second question? That's what you said. You said that just moments ago. Yes. Yes. Well, if we want our lineage to continue, we'll have to fuck a few fish. Okay. I feel like this whole thing, I feel like this whole thing is just so that you can fuck a fish. I don't know about that. This whole thought endeavor to get you here. But have you thought about it a little bit? I mean, no. Which fish? Does it sound okay? Let me ask you this. Which fish would you fuck first? That's a good question. Maybe a co-ho. Okay.

Coho salmon. A coho salmon. Okay, is that in the ocean? I don't, oh, you think it's in the rivers? We might have to go into lakes and streams for that. I might swim upstream. I mean, I don't think bears are out there grabbing salmon out of the middle of the ocean. We'd have to invent underwater TV and movies for us to work on it.

We'd have to. We'd have to invent underwater punch-up rooms. Underwater movies that are failing that we get brought in to. underwater my notes aren't helpful well Jason wonderful to have you Scott thrilled to be here we do need to get to our first

please let's go it's okay yes you're gonna be my trusted co-hosts yes of course I'll keep an eye on the fire I need you during the holidays Jason while you're doing your thing I'll keep an eye on the fire and don't you worry we'll be all right all right fantastic well let's get to him he is of course he was once a presidential candidate

can you believe that I can yeah not too there aren't too many of them I mean There are so few presidents and then even, not even fewer, but many few people who ran. Jesus Christ. Okay. I die. I think I passed in the middle of that.

I'm going to rush right past it. I'm just like, wow, that was tough. But he was a presidential candidate during the 2020. There are so few president. 2024 election. And he was on our show, I believe, in Minnesota, a live episode that we did. last year, but let's welcome him back to the show, RFK Jr.

Hello, Scott. Thank you for having me. It's wonderful to be here. So wonderful to see you, RFK. There are many few pleasures in life but getting to be on microphone with you. Now, sir, are you on the microphone? Yes, I am. Okay, cool. And are we talking to the worm or are we talking to you right now? That's very

funny. You know, the worm is not sentient as far as I know. Okay, as far as you know. I mean, it could be up there. I can't communicate with it. It never speaks through your larynx or anything like that? Not that I'm aware of, but maybe sometimes. Not even when you're asleep, has Cheryl ever nudged you and said,

Hey, the worm's talking. Cheryl and I sleep in separate beds. Separate houses? I would imagine separate states. Because we're afraid of getting each other sick. Oh, okay. But, I mean, aren't you the healthiest you've ever been? I'm the healthiest I've ever been.

And the healthiest anyone has ever been. You sound great. Thank you. Your face is so red. I feel terrific. And I feel that that is reflected on my outsides as well. Is that a sunburn or is it gin blossoms? What exactly is going on with your face?

Look, these kinds of questions are not something that I came here ready to answer because I just want to give people a piece of mind this holiday season. You want to get people a piece of mind? Yes. A piece of your mind. Do you have a lot left? That worm has eaten a lot of it. Okay.

What kind of show is this? Because that's very rude. It's kind of a rude show. I beg your pardon. Do you never have a phone affair with you now? You blew it. You'll never get promoted through the news business, Scott, now. Damn it.

RFK, you want to give people a piece of your mind this holiday. No. No, you don't. I said peace of mind. Oh, okay. You want to give people pieces. Because everybody, I'm assuming traveling, seeing friends and family, they want to stay healthy in the holiday season. I guess.

Okay. I don't understand any of that. don't have friends or family? Of course I do, but I don't see them. Okay, so you don't, you have friends that you never see. Yes, because they're vaccinated. Who's your best friend? Yeah, who's your best friend? Probably my my best friend just passed away recently. Oh no, who's this? Was it the twins who those older ladies? There's two women who committed the twins who committed suicides. That's who you went with?

I don't know. I'm just trying to think of recent deaths. You just spitballing? Who passed away, RFK? It was a hunk of coyote haunch that was in my fridge. Oh, no. It went off. And it went off.

It spoiled me. I should have put it in the freezer instead of the fridge, but I thought I'd get to it faster. Oh, that's awful. So it got all wormy? I'm sorry to bring up the worm again. Hey, man. So, by the way, what's the R stand for? R.

Richard? Oh, just R? Well, my name is RFK Jr., so what does that tell you? R. Is it like a pirate, like R or something like that? I have no idea. Who is R. You have no idea.

None at all. I think we went through this last time, didn't we? I hope not. What is it, Richard? I can't. What was that guy? Robert. Why are you doing this?

I don't know. It's Robert. I can tell you've had Tylenol in your lifetime. Oh, boy. If you can't answer this simple question, you've probably done things like ibuprofen or aspirin. I have occasionally, I'll get a headache and yes, I've done that. But you're saying that that is not safe. Did you ever use Band-Aid brand bandages?

I, yes. Well, sometimes I do the off-brand ones and sometimes they have cartoon characters on. This is starting to feel like product placement. The adhesive in band-aids causes lesbianism. Oh, no, what? Holy cow. So these are things to watch out for this holiday season. Yeah.

I got to stuck up on Band-Aids. What other things are people doing out there that you want to warn the public about? Yeah. Don't drink apple juice. Okay. Apple juice. Any kind of apple juice. Even fresh squeezed?

Even fresh... Squeezed. Yep. You're out there squeezing apples? There's squeezed apples. You get so little juice. The only apple juice The same to drink is fresh squeezed

Apple juice. You get maybe a milliliter per apple? Wait, what do you get at breakfast? You have to see. On every menu, fresh squeezed orange juice, grapefruit juice, apple juice. I don't think so. But it begs a question,

where are we getting the apple juice if you can't just squeeze an apple in a company? Are they pulping it or what? They must be. Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. What you must look out for is if you go to a place

and they advertise, they're selling apple juice, say, let me see the strong man. Let me see the squeezer. Show me the squeezer. And then if they don't have a strong, a circuit strong man, come out of the kitchen and squeeze it right in front of you. Get out of there.

Wearing like a leopard sort of a fur. Tunic. Tunic. A tunic. A singlet. With a barbells that have big balls at the end. He should have a bald head and a big wide mustache. What else is going on this holiday season?

Any other warnings or any other. cautions for people this holiday season? Don't leave cookies out for Santa because what if he's real? Well, you are now in... Then you've invited him in. Exactly. Like a vampire rules?

He might be there the night of December 25th going, where is these cookies, though? We don't. You're somebody... It's like ants. I feel like you're somebody that has access now to all of the confidential information of the government. Do you know if... Area 51? Do you know if Santa exists?

Like... Who do I talk to first? Any of us? I'm just trying to find out if Santa exists. I think Scott's asking about Area 51. And other areas. Not at all on topic, but okay. Area 51 has a large cache of alien corpses.

Area 54 has the same thing, but also cocaine. I'll go to Area 54. Because the aliens were working for the cartels. We don't know if Santa is in fact real. We have tried to prove it. Our governments have tried to prove it, but of course our governments are corrupt.

I think Norad knows he's real. Norad won't tell us or Norad won't tell us definitively. Isn't it pronounced Norrin Rad? Oh, that's right. Yeah, the silver server. Yeah. With his love, Shalabal. Yes.

But don't leave cookies out because if Santa is real and he gets in your house, who knows what he's going to do? That's right. Yeah. Okay. So no cookies, no milk? Never drink milk unless you're drinking it directly from an utter. Oh.

Wow. So any milk that's coming to you in any way, shape, or form supermarket or anything has been compromised. It's deadly and it causes, let's say, crib death. Wow. Oh, geez. Crib death. We don't like that.

Oh, boy, RFK Jr. himself is shaking his head in disapproval of his own statement. You're just saying an adult is going to climb into a crib. You know, I'm saying it causes crib death in adults. Yeah, exactly. So when you get to a diner ask to see. It's like hydrophobia. Yeah. You get very, you recoil at the sight of water.

It's like that. And do you Benjamin Button and you just sort of like get younger and younger and younger? Sure. Yeah. And so when you get to a diner ask to see the strong man and the cow that you're going to drink the milk from. Or goat, whatever has udders. Mm-hmm. I have nipples.

Can you milk meat? That's fun. Uh-huh. God. Watching you both run for that was absolutely delightful. It was a lot like watching an Olympics 440 meter dash, is how long it is? Sure, bud. I can run very fast because I work out in jeans.

Why the jeans? Why not jean shorts, at least? Because I work up the resistance and also jean shorts I reserve from my lovers. Oh, that's right. Nick, can we talk about these lovers? Sure, I love talking about it. You've been in the news recently for not entirely being. faithful to uh i never said i would be not even in the wedding vows or anything technically yes okay

so you know that is but that's like we just use traditional vows so does that even count it's like reciting a poem yeah that's right but maybe i mean scott we don't know maybe maybe rfk junior and sherell hines are in some sort of open relationship ethic ethically non-monogamous you know you are Now, does Cheryl know is my question? She's found out, I think. Okay, yeah. Somebody told her. I think it might have been Nunzzy.

I saw her on TV. Nunesi. What's her name? Nuzzi or something. Who cares? I like Nunzy. Nunesi. I saw her on TV fucking Ted Danson, so I'm pretty sure she's with someone else.

Nunzi? No, Cheryl Hines. Oh. I was like, whoa, what? Wait a second. What are you telling me? I saw her on TV. It was like a documentary I was watching, and she was dating Ted Danson.

What? Yeah. And her ex-husband, Larry David, was really, was kind of upset about it. Oh, I get it now. You get it? What do you mean get it? You're making a funny joke. No.

Larry David. Not on this show. Not on this show. So any other tips, any other tips and tricks? Gingerbread is absolutely toxic for you. and you shouldn't build a home out of it. Okay. Can you eat it if you don't build a home out of it?

No, you can eat regular homes but not gingerbread homes. Okay. I don't know about regular homes. Are you talking about those, my weird lifestyle things where they're, you know, where people eat a couch while they're watching TV. Every American child should eat 1.5 couches a year. I think it would be really funny if they're eating the couch while they're watching TV and then suddenly they eat the couch that's underneath them

and they go plonk and they just fall to the ground. Wouldn't that be fun? Noted. Let's all just sit in that for a minute. Unlike the couch. Oh, boy. Yeah. Anything else going on this Christmas? I mean, what about Christmas trees?

We were talking about them earlier. I mean, yeah, because I feel like a Christmas tree could be a way for a lot of like animals, insects to get into the house in a way that could be. Yes, but there are downsides too. Let's hear them. If you leave your Christmas tree up too long, it can not only be a fire hazard, but also a water hazard. I guess I don't understand the water hazard.

If you leave it up there too long, it seems like it's going to die, but then it's just been storing the water up to spit it out at you. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. How often have we seen that happen? Twice. And is that part of why you're here is to just let people know, like a PSA? Just let people know that the tree could explode in water.

Maybe. I mean, really what I came here to do was tell people, you know, certain thing that I think everyone needs to know. Okay, yeah. Have you done that? No, I haven't yet. I'm gearing up to do it. No, okay. So this was, the rest was just prologue to the main event.

I wanted to have a fun little chit chat with you first before I got down to brass deck. Okay, well, this was fun, so I really appreciate it. like this before the worm? I don't know. That's never been a... Well, everybody stop talking about the worm! Is this the worm's voice? I don't, yeah, maybe. Is it possible? Have you gotten the worm anything for Christmas?

This is the worm's voice. Whoa! Hello worm! RFK's Jr's eyes just rolled into the back of his head. I don't have long. Okay. Welcome worm to Comedy Bang. Long to live? Soon he will regain control. What do you need for?

from us. How can we help? Listen. Yes. Put some old raccoon meat near his mouth and then I can escape. Okay, I have some new raccoon meat, but let me look for some of it. We'll have to dry age it. Yeah, how old are we talking? How old are we talking?

Oh, no. Oh, shit, he's back. Just so, like, the women that you like to have sex with. The affairs you're having. How old? Everyone's an adult and me? Of course. Like twice over.

Yes. Great. Right. Anyway, you were saying you came here to tell us. I have a special Christmas message. Okay, RFK Jr. Here we go. I want you to think about this when you're sitting down with your family to have Christmas

dinner or whatever other holiday that's still legal. We don't sit down. Sitting down is the new smoking, so we all stand during dinner. You do a standing Christmas dinner? Christmas dinner. It happens every year. I hope everyone's wearing jeans and no shirt. when you're with your family

playing with the boys sorry before you eat before you dig into your food take a moment and think of these words your open mouth awaiting my harvest drink from me love I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth I'll hold your nose as you look up

and me to encourage you to swallow Oh God. Don't spill a drop. I am a river. You are my canyon. Please, RFC Jr. I mean to flow through you. I mean to subdue and tame you. RFK Jr., you're reading. I'm almost done. I'm almost done. Let him finish. My love. Amen. You're reading the wrong message. That was the message that you sent to that writer who wrote the, who that you had an affair with. Nunzi? Yeah, Nunzi. Yeah. Good old Nunzi. Hey, Nunzi. Hey, Nunzi. Anything come in on?

on the RFK Jr. When I was growing up as a Roman Catholic, we used to rate certain girls like that. Oh, she seems a little nunsy. Like she might go, she might join the convent. Yeah. Don't bother.

She seems nunsy. Wow. Well, RFK Jr., an important message during this yule time. This holiday season, I mean, really, this is now on the episode. So curl up with your loved ones and play the message. Grind up, mistletoe.

and snored him. So you don't have a son who's taller than you. Did that happen to you? I haven't seen your extended family, but... I'm not sure if I have kids. I bet I do. Probably. They're fucked up.

Oh, man. Well, RFK Jr., we need to get to our next guest. Good. All right. This is a... Of course, on the show, I don't know who's dropping by at any given moment, but my producer, He gives me cards that says who's here And this is a big surprise to me

We haven't seen her since an episode earlier in the year Please welcome back to the show A Peloton instructor Please welcome back Crendel We're turning up the fire for you It's almost like applause Hey Scott Let's get that music pumping

Yes Yes they're my boys I see one two three boys Yes I do So let's get on those bikes. Get those asses up by your hands. We're going to turn that cadence up to 172. What?

Get that resistance going up. I'm warming up. Where are the knobs in the studio? Go ahead and turn that knob up right there by your knee. I'm doing it. Turn that knob up, that resistance. I don't want that at 72. 72's too high for a warm up.

I am stressing out. Do you feel that we are warming up? Can I go? go ahead and go higher yes rfk it's been too long babe it's nice to see you crissles get those jeans nice and wet with that sweat oh i want you to think about what motivates you today what motivates you every single moment putting putting out great shows for the public what the fuck no you want to know what motivates me my son braxton oh that's right that was time to to the drop.

Wow, that was awesome. That's right. I'm a boy mom. I'm not afraid to say it. Yes, I'm in a serious relationship with my son. What? I'm obsessed with my son Braxton. Every day with him is a blessing.

You know what he said to me this morning, Scott? I have no idea. Should we still be pedaling? Keep pedaling. Go ahead and turn that resistance up to 481. Hold on. Let me put my dress shoes on. You know what he said to me this morning?

I couldn't even hazard a guess. What is that sound? That's on the track. Okay. He said, Mom, Christmas isn't about giving or love or family. It's about you. That's right. Use promo code Peloton.

Get yourself a Peloton today. Go ahead and turn that music off, Scott. Let's take a break. Let's take a breather. How are we doing? my boy's feeling. That was exhausting. Yeah, just listening to you was exhausting, but the peddling was even worse. I hadn't seen you in class in a long time, Scott. Where have you been? What do they call it pedal ton? Doesn't that

make more sense? We started as pedal ton. Yeah, but we dropped that or pedlaton. Yes, the Facebook guy said, you know, drop a couple of those letters and make it Peloton. That's right. Sean Parker. To answer your question, Crendel, I've been really good. I haven't worked out. a day since you were here last. I think it was the Wayne Brady episode you were on the last. That's right.

Scott, you and Wayne were going so hard at each other. Yeah. Because we were so hard together. Yes, you were. I don't think it was together or at each other. We were individuals. I had your sperm results, Scott. Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah. You harvested our sperm during this. We harvested your sperm to make sure that you can be a boy mom someday, Scott. I don't really want to be. You know, pretty soon that's all we're going to be able to harvest in America is our sperm. That's right. My goal is to get the sperm of every single man. in the world.

Same. Same. RFK Jr., same? I want to create a storehouse. Yeah. What do you want to do with it? Like the seed bank? I want to go through all that sperm. Make sure that we have all the possible sperm to create the best men in the world. Exactly. Because guess what? I'm going to be their boy mom. That's right, Scott. Just like I'm your boy mom. Was this what Sidney's jeans ad was all about getting the best sperm? I think so. Are you wearing Sidney's jeans? Of course I am. I'm also wearing Sidney Sweeney's jeans.

That's right. Why aren't they called Sidney's Sweeney's Jeansies? You know? I don't even think they're called Sidney's Sweeney's jeans. I know. I know. They should be called Sidney's Sweeney's Jeansy. Why aren't they called Sidney's Sweeney's tits?

Yeah. Doesn't make any sense. Put Sidney's Sweeney's tits on your legs. That's right. Can those, go ahead. I'm a 30. I'm a 30. The music, you never gave me my sperm results.

I'm feeling motivated. Let's get on those bites. Oh, God. Let's go ahead and turn the music. resistance down okay down down to three three I want your cadence up I want your cadence up to two thousand okay oh yeah you are going oh geez I want you boys to yell out to me what motivates you this holiday season uh getting presents no say not gifts Scott okay what motivates your soul every day good food that's right good food but healthy food

Protein, right, Scott? Go ahead and open that ass while I shove some of this protein powder in there. Yeah, does that feel nice and dry? That's right. It should feel dry. Is that element? Are those leaves? It's rough.

Use promo code protein pack ass. Protein pack ass? At any Amazon available stores. Okay. Go ahead. Okay, you know what I'm going to tell you what motivates me right now? Wait, wait for it. My son, Braxton.

Every day with him is a moment sent from God. Do you want to know what he said to me this morning? He's only 22 months old, Scott. Really? He said something different to you? Yeah, he said something else. What else did he say? He said, Mom, Christmas isn't about Santa Claus or videotapes.

Videotapes? It's not about... He's 22 months. 22 months. It's not about record plays. Oh. Or old cars. So a lot of old media and antiquated automobile?

It's not about pencil sharp. It's not about laser discs. It's about Jesus Christ. Oh, that's right. Go ahead and tell me how Jesus makes you feel RFK. Oh. He makes me feel like I can do anything to anyone. That's right.

Yes, Jason, how does Jesus make you feel right now? I mean, a little, if I'm honest, uncomfortable. It's, you know. Good. You should be uncomfortable. That's what working out is all about. Yeah. Okay, let's take a deep old big breath in. And cut that music, Scott, slow it down, slow down those bikes. How my boys doing? Oh, my God, how are my boys? I'm still thinking about Jesus Christ, honestly. Oh, that's good, Scott, good. Yeah. Look at those jeans you're wearing. Wow. Wow. From all that fucking sweat, right? Just while we're taking a break, super quick

Crendel. I just wanted to ask because I've heard so much about Braxton. Is he your only child? No, but he is my number one kid. Oh, you have another son? No, I have a daughter. Oh, how old? Her name's she's five, she's fine.

Oh, okay. But Braxton is the light of my fucking life. What's her name? You've never brought her up or talk about. Her name's Paisley. Paisley. That's gorgeous. Oh, wow. That's fine. She's all. She's fine. It's fine.

She's fine. Okay. Okay. But Braxton is the one you want to focus on? Braxton is my son, my light, my hearth, my home. Okay. My, my beginning my end. We don't need any more synonyms of you.

Your worm. My worm, my earth, my plant, my flower. That's right. Braxton is my number one boy. And I'm going to tell you something. I'm not going to date until he is dead. Oh, you're single. Yeah, I am single.

But I am not going to go out. I'm not going to go date other men until Braxton has his own life. How did you obtain Braxton without a someone in your life? Also, do you plan on Braxton pre-deceasing you? We don't know. We don't know what's going to happen out there. But I'll tell you something, Scott. Go ahead and hit that music.

Okay, you still haven't given me the sperm results. Well, I will get to that, Scott. We want to know how your sperm is doing, don't we? It's looking pretty tightly packed today, isn't it? it, Scott. That's sperm. My sperm in my body right now? Yeah. I can tell.

It's tightly packed. Like, what does that mean? It needs to come out, Scott. I can tell. I mean, I don't think that's your responsibility. I got pregnant from riding my Pelotone. Oh, shit. With my son Braxton, Immaculate Conception style, just like the Virgin Mary, give it off for Christ. It actually sounds like someone gizzed on your pelotoncy.

Don't come on these bikes. Give it up for Jesus Christ. birthday and use promo code protein packed pussy and ass I don't know about it I really don't think we should come on these feet turn that cadence up to

185 that resistance up to 200 you can't turn cadence up pedal faster hit that sperm going Scott sperm's going I'm ready to give you your results oh boy

wow you know what my son Braxton said this morning to me, Scott. He said, are you going to tell Scott the truth about his sperm? Oh, shit. I said, yeah, that's my plan, Braxton. I'm going to tell him everything he needs to know. He says, just do me a favor.

Be nice. He's fragile. It's nice of Braxton, but I can take it. Whatever the results of my sperm are. He said, Jesus Christ, didn't give Scott the best sperm out there. Wow. I mean, his sperm is bad. Like, slow.

That in that respect But it's still like Low motility You need more asbestos in your diet Scott Christ Gave you bad sperm It happens Is what Krendel is telling you

Is it good in all other ways Like taste and color Oh God Taste is awful Scott Low taste Low taste No So it's low motility

Is low the only descriptor Low is bad It's just a Binary choice, low high. Exactly. Most of your sperm is low. But we did find one good sperm out there, Scott. Okay. We did find one good sperm.

Great. What are you going to do with it? We're going to make a boy, Scott. We're going to make a boy. Go ahead and turn that music down. Where are you? I hesitate to say this, but I think Crendel's going to have a blinding headache for the rest of the day. Yeah.

Where are you going to put the sperm, Crendell? I want to let you know your sperm has been added to the bank. That's right, the Pelotone Bank of Sperm. Wow, does the bike suck it right out of you? Quite an honor. How does that work? Congratulations. You ever seen the show, Wheel of Fortune?

Brexton watches it every day. What? That's right. You take the Wheel of Fortune full of sperm and you spin it, Scott. And wherever that sperm lands, that's going to be your boy. So is it implanted into U.S. Other Peloton instructors? It goes straight into those seats, Scott.

Okay. And over at Peloton, we sit on those seats, don't we? Sure. So the people that work for Pelotan use the sperm. But they also have people coming over to the studio and biking along with the instructors, right? So it might be one of them. Oh. That's right.

We are all going to get pregnant from that one sperm. Oh, you're all trying to get pregnant. We're going to be your boy, Mom, Scott, and have a boy with you. Okay. You got pregnant with your mom. Wait a minute. When's the last time you saw Crendel, Scott? It was earlier in the year, maybe seven months ago.

It wasn't 22 months ago? No, we didn't know each other 22 months. I don't believe Crenel is my. But fingers crossed, the next time you see me, Scott, I'm going to be a fucking hippo full of your baby. Wow. And your mom. I am your mom. Now, this is an interesting development.

This is, this seems like needless heightening, but I'm going to go with it. How are you also Scott's mom? Boy, mom. I am a boy mom to all of Peloton instructors. I see. You're sort of like the royal boy mom. That's right. Jason,

where have you been? I've been looking for you since the pandemic. You were at class, but then you were no more. I couldn't handle being around that many people huffing and puffing in the same room. That's right. It stressed me out.

What about online? Online? I did get a Peloton bike at home and I did do classes online. Right, but then you stopped. I did stop with Cody. Yes. Jess? Yes, with Cody and Jess. Yes, of course. Cody and Jess. Excellent. Other instructors full of sperm. Peloton Jen. Peloton Jen. Oh, you don't like Peloton Jen? No, fuck Peloton Jen. She can go to hell in a hand basket. Let's go ahead and get that music. Oh, no. Come on boys, RFK, I see you. I'm up and ready to go. That's right. Oh, man. Get that worm up on those bars. Get that worm jacked. Oh, my God, the worm is crawling out of his nose and onto the bars.

Hey, what's going on here? That's right, worm. This is it called a Peloton worm. Oh, I'll see you later. Oh, we're here. He went back into the nose. That's right. Damn it, and I had a little bit of Rancid Raccoon meat.

I feel so bad. Rancid raccoon is on sale at the Peloton shop right now. 35% off of you use promo code. That's a lot off. It is full of protein. Inside of my gap. This workout is inside of your gap? Like your thigh cap?

That's right. You're going to have a thigh cap when you're done with this, Scott. What were you saying, RFK Jr? I got the possum sweats. Good. That's what I like to hear from my boys. We want you nice and sweaty. We want you raw dogging.

And we want you crumped and cramp, Scott. Are you feeling crumpting cramp right now? I guess so, but I'm not going to raw dog this tell a time. Are you feeling stuffed? I'm feeling... Are you stuffed? Braxton. is my song.

Okay, all right. I'm turning the music off. Look, Crendel. What a workout, Scott. Thank you. Thank you for coming, Trendle. Thank you so much for me. It's so good to see you out there on that fine.

Unfortunately, we need to take a break. Are you going to stick around or what are you doing? I don't know yet, stop. Okay, we'll see what happens. We're going to come right back. We're going to have more fun, more merriment. We'll be right back. with more comedy bang bang

after this Comedy Bang Bang We're back The holiday episode of 2025 Jason Manzookas is here And stoking the fire is going And boy we're having such a wonderful It looks dangerous

I will say the fire is so hot And the workout we just did Got me so hot I'm like sweating my ass That's right you're hot And you're fucking sweaty But go ahead and need that too Is this a

Do you is there a Christmas this song that's this kind of a... Absolutely, there is Jingle bells, Jingle Bell, Scott. Robin Leading Egg. Just kidding. We're not singing that version today, are we, Scott? No, we're singing the regular jingle bells, is that? Sure.

Okay. Jingle bells, jangle bells. Do you feel that herb king? I do. Jingle all the way. I can see the protein coming out of your pores. Those are some big pores. Those are enormous. I'm like a fuzzy popper barbershop.

I'm friends with the girl that you had sex with. Which one? Nunzi! You're friends with Nunzi? That's right. You know Nunsey? Nunsey used to be a Peloton instructor back when she wanted to be an actress before she became a reporter and then became just a lady on the internet. You're skipping over her song, by the way.

Oh, sorry. Yes, she was an excellent musician. Tell her she still has a shot with me. I will. I'll do my best. I'll do what I can. But remember. you can never be who you really want to be until you have a son that's right

my son Braxton said to me today Christmas isn't about elves Scott what's Christmas about wait he referenced Scott he said Scott listen to me Christmas isn't about elves

or presents it's about ribbons do you make ribbons like the ribbons around presents or the ones on lapel So I'm starting to think Braxton's an idiot He calls her Scott

He thinks Christmas is about ribbons This kid's a fucking idiot Oh shit, I gotta do my karate The dog is here That dog is making me hungry That is my dog That is my dog That's also my son

Oh wait a minute This is Braxton This German shepherd This is not Brexton This is another boy Oh I see I understand That's right His name is Chance

Chance Chip Chance Chip Chance Chip the dog That's right, Chance Chip. Go ahead and get on that bike chance. Look at him, though. Whoa. The dog.

That resistance is all the way up to 360. As is the cadence. You see the way that Chance Chip is climbing into my ass? Wait a minute. I mean, I used to see it, yeah. That is what we do here at Peloton. We do? We make sure that your asshole is huge.

Wait a minute. Peloton's whole thing is about gaping? We want you absolutely gaped and gunked. We want you. You want you grumped? Like, what's gumped? Gumped. Gumped, you're full of gung.

What about gooning? Yes, we want you gooning. Oh my gosh, I'm gooning right now. I'm gooning so hard. How are you guys doing? I'm gooning! Stop! Wow.

How do you feel? Good goon session, everyone. Oh, do you see all that goon? Oh, my God. I feel gooning is good enough. I feel pot. positively gooned and gumped. Wow. I feel crumped and cramped. I'm so proud of my voice.

It was so fun seeing you boys do that. That was an amazing workout, Crandall. Thank you so much. Absolutely. We do need to get to our next guests, though, if that's all right. Absolutely. All right. They've been on the show a couple of times before. They are the, I believe, the owners and proprietors of cool dick shoes.com.

Oh, I know these guys. I got some of their shoes. Yeah. Please welcome back to the show, Austin and Tony. Hello. Hey, I think we walked in on something crazy. Oh, what you just saw? Yeah, that was kind of a, sorry, I'm adjusting. Yeah, yeah, I learned a lot, I learned a lot. A visit from the goon squad?

That's for freaking sure. Yeah, hey, Austin and Tony, I can't remember which of you was which. Austin. Austin and Tony, yeah. Yeah, this is Tony over here, CFO, Tony. How old are you? Oh, you guys have titles now, so. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we do. I'm the CFO. She financial officer? That's correct, yes, sir. I'm 17. 17, how old are you? you 17 wow you're just boys are you just asking kids age just really because first thing out of the gate because I want to

maha I hope you boys are drinking your rabies every day I like this guy I like this guy I feel like I used to my mom sits me down and has talks with me and is like don't like listen to the internet or random men but I'm like this guy's freaking cool oh yeah I just want to help yeah um Austin and Tony you you were on the show with Jason I believe that first time and we talked about your your first website cool dick shoes.com which is

I'm hoping still an active website oh yeah that's kind of a that's something we came here to talk about but yeah we did it come. Has it been a big success because the episode we were on together was you guys launching this website it went well it went too well it went too well

you weren't prepared to meet demand exactly we had production issues we had major production issues and then with with prom around corner we had to pivot to selling printers right right right and that was at the website we sell printers not dickshus.com right yeah another still active website yes yes and how did that go yeah were you able to sell any vis-vis selling printers I remember one was really expensive right that was one of your dad's printers wasn't it that was our dad's printers and yeah once again

production issues oh yeah we keep running into those issues but we're what was the what was the issue you Ask your dad if you could have the printer, and he said no. Yeah, and then we tried to steal it and got grounded. Oh, I'm so sorry. That's why you haven't been on the show in between now. Also, were you guys able to go to prom? We did do that. We went in poop limos made by the Buggle Brothers, who also have a website.

Yeah, we last time we were on it. Hang on a second. I'm going to need to drill down into that. You're just tossing that off. Well, they were on a show with Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett. Sure. Then a couple of brothers came in The name of the, what were they called again?

The Buggle Brothers. The Buggle Brothers. I believe I listened to this episode. I just need a quick refresher. They started a dating website and we helped them procure a website. Yeah, right, right, right. And I'm sure, I love seeing you say that. Oh, yeah.

We're businessmen. RFK Jr., you're pro-kier, right? I love cures. I want to cure everyone of vaccines. And Scott, you love. of the cure. That's right. So we're all procured Robert Smith at all. I'm getting the cure band from America.

Oh no. RFK-2. You're why. It's not the right cure. Oh, no. You don't want to cause confusion in the marketplace? That's right. This guy makes so much sense. He really does. My young mind is forming around it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We like it. Wait, do you have a website? Yeah. Of course I do. Wait, what's it called? It's WWW. Put on a pot of coffee. We're going to We'll be here for a while. Maha.

Dot gov. Oh, okay. We'll check that out later. That might become my religion. Yeah. Also, it's really nice to have all this chit-chat, but we did come in with a bit of... All right. Let's dispense with the pleasantries by all means.

I think Austin wants to move it along. But we did come in with a business plan as two businessmen. Yeah. We sort of... You have a new business? Is that what's happening? No. We're doubling down.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. So old business. Well, what we did is we made a website that we had to put our training credit cards down for, and we auto-renewed it by accident. So we have the website for another year. So we do figure, hey, let's see. Yeah. So you have the cool Dixu's website for another year. We haven't it for another year. And then all four of our websites auto-renewed. So now we're financially in the whole. Yeah. Our training credit cards are maxed out.

And I really hate that when a website or a service turns on the auto renew and you don't know it. By the way, head over to CBBWorld.com for any past episode of the show as well as CBB presents. As well, CBO hasn't seen. Prombo code CBB in my ass, Scott. I don't think that one's going to work. By the way, if you made it work, you'd get more people. Oh, that's a lot of people would be so psych to type that in. Okay, we might do that.

Get your canyon filled in no time. Okay, R.FK, Jr., we're going to need you to stop that. promo code, fill me up. So, Austin, Tony, what is the new idea for the business? Okay, Austin is, I want to just say, Austin is going into a backpack. Yes, in fact, I am. Oh, boy. A backpack full of trash, it looks like.

Yeah, but there's some good stuff around the trash. You've taken out a plastic bag. Oh, wait, and giving it to me, okay, and it... I love this. This is a plastic bag, and it looks to be a pavilion's bag. This is a real Christmas. This is a holiday gift exchange. Oh, my God.

I have nothing to give you, so it's more like a gift gift. I mean, it's not a gift to. Oh. Whoa. Wow. Oh, and I get these. Those are for you, Mr. Wow.

Whoa. Actual cool dick shoes. These are actual cool dick shoes that say CBB and have erect. Mine is erect. My, my, I'm. Oh, yours has a real. My looks flaccid, but just upside down. Yours has a real curvature to it.

Yeah. Which one is this? Is this the Austin or the... That's the Tony. That's the Tony. So I have the Austin. You have the Austin. And then Scott also has the Mr.

as requested online. Oh, oh, I see. I see. Oh, that's great. This is the one that I gave you a photograph of my own, right? And you drew it to the scale? Yeah. And yours look, just this cartoonie in the photo too.

Right, yeah. Well, scale and cartoons. Scott, you please fuck a lot of fish with that dick. Guys, thank you so much. I'm putting them on right now. This is incredible. We're going to get some photos of these. Oh, photos.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That would be great. Although these will not be an endorsement, these photos. No. Wait.

Oh. Photo does not equal endorsement. But I guess my question is, is you just gave us some shoes. How is this a business? Well, that's what we're here to talk about. We're here to talk business about potentially a brand ambassadorship where you guys. Oh, they fit. They fit.

They feel good, man. They fit great. They look great. You guessed at our sizes, I would imagine. Yeah, we guessed Jason's, and then you filled out the form so we did know. Oh, okay, great. Yeah. And by guest, we do mean what was available.

Yeah. Which is surprisingly little. I did go to DSW and have a little cry in there because there weren't that many shoes available and not that many canvas ones. I'm shocked that DSW is still in business. Oh, yeah. Well, barely, I think. Are you guys keeping them afloat? I think so.

Tony called me sobbing. said, we have to buy like six extra shoes just to keep these guys going another day. Wow. So I told him to go for it. I got a soft heart, but I'm also a CFO, so I'm trying to be better about it. Yeah, you got to be hard. You've got to be hard. You're responsible for the financial security

of this entire endeavor. But speaking of a CFO, how are you going to make money on this? So, yeah, yeah. Oh, boy, you guys were in sync on that. So, in sync. So you guys wear the shoes. Oh, okay. Okay, we wear the shoes.

So this is starting to seem like a shark tank. presentation so go ahead okay you know what you're right it would be better with a website okay yeah no i mean you have a website though that's how this all started yeah we we you have to spend money to make money so we made another website made a website made a different website okay what is this website this website is scott dick shoes dot com scott dick shoes dot and really it's just a pitch deck from us to you okay so this is an actual website it says scott and jason in really big letters. Cool dick shoes would like to partner with you.

Okay. Wait, are those the shoes? Oh, look at you're wearing the dick shoes in that. Well, I, those are the, there's a still for my television show. Wait, and, but you were on the PBS News Hour? Yeah, exactly. And you've drawn the dick insignia on my actual shoes

from the television. You know, good. It could look if you wore them out. By the way, that looks great. Yeah. Yeah, it does. Yeah. Yeah, these are just a couple of places we thought you guys could wear them because once, well, the celebrity endorsement uh the the the sheep follow okay yeah yeah the sheep i don't know whether you want to call your so true so yeah you think of the people that are going to support you as sheep we didn't used to until rfk came around yeah then we're like we like this kind of terms right and then um

underneath this on page two it says wear our shoes be our brand ambassador oh wow you could wear them to restaurants Bacari pictured okay that's scott um wearing very those shoes are very big What's that website again? Scottdickshoes.com. And these look like shack shoes that are on me right now. Those are gigantic shoes. But I will say you look great. In this one, you're in a tuxedo, and it would look good with the dick shoes.

That's right. Because the dick shoes are white and black, so they would go perfectly to a black tie event. And I happen to Bacari. Yeah. It's the Ellen DeGeneres look. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

And that is your default how you dress. Yeah. It's what I aspire to be in all aspects of my life. DeGenerous chic. Sure. Yeah, we picked up on that. You could wear them to the Hollywood Bowl. Oh, yeah.

And here's a picture of Jason at the Hollywood Bowl, towering over everyone. He appears to be about 30 stories off. Wearing the same gigantic shoes. By the way, I would love to wear, I would have loved to have been able to wear my dick shoes when I went to the Hollywood Bowl to see Joni Mitchell perform last year. Oh, that would have been perfect.

It would have been the perfect. And Joni would have loved it. And you imagine her. looking at you from the stage and saying, are those dick shoes? Stopping, stopping, stopping Amelia in the middle of the song just to say, are those

dick shoes? Help me, I see some dick shoes. I'm that guy over there. You can wear them to the sphere. The same picture of me in the tucks with the big shoes right next to the sphere. I was tough for both events. That would be cool. That's one of your goal, Scott, to go to the sphere. That's cute.

Someday I'll get there. Please wear them. to the Oscars. Well, that's very optimistic. By the way, we might be... I love... And thank you for the politeness of saying, please. Yeah, really... I think that's important and I feel like your generation is not polite anymore and I think that's great. You said, please. And as a result, I will wear them to the Oscars.

I have to ask, there's giant pictures of Jason and I at the Oscars, facing away from the stage. And there's a lot of pictures of people... Oh, no, these are people on stage. It looks like it's a rehearsal. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because we figured you guys might be, like, if you weren't in it, at least working it.

Yeah, we figured you might be an usher or something. We probably, maybe we did punch-up. Yeah, one day of punch-up because the Oscars were failing. Because the hosts hated each other and wouldn't talk to each other. All right, so then we have another page has three different options. Wall Street where I'm at the New York Stock Exchange. Money never sleeps. CAA, that big weird building.

They're looking less like shoes. The Death Star. And then Barn. Barn. I could wear the. them in a barn. So that de-heightening. Yeah. Barn is like the, the where, what's the barn? What do we do?

What do we do in the barn do you think, guys? That one we were thinking about everyday Americans. Yeah. Oh, okay. So the, you know, the middle of the country, the flyover states, you know, they need dick shoes too. Now more than ever that the agricultural business has been hollowed out. Exactly. We're really concerned about the agricultural business. They don't need work boots anymore. Why not have dick shoes? Yeah. And then the website just ends at barn.

there was a picture of shoes almost as if there just wasn't enough time to wrap that or they ran out of ideas before one of them needed to come here and the other would just be late while the thing uploaded oh wait but there is oh oh oh oh dude they're on to us look at me look at me look at me I have your back I have your back to even though they exactly figured out exactly what was going on. I have that mussely pimply back. Do you have mine? Yeah, I have that mussely pipply. Slightly hairy.

Good for you, dude. Back you? Boy, is a gel? Let me tell you something. Don't ever let not knowing what you're doing prevent you from doing it. This guy is my God. This guy is my religion.

This is my religion. How can we donate? And how can we start a podcast? Oh, sport. Go to Austin and start a podcast. Okay. And make it all about what the sheep are doing that they're not supposed to be doing. Make sure you call them sheep.

Okay. Yeah. The only good sheep you find by the side of the road just as dinner time approaches. By the way, there is an unexplored part of the website, the About Us section. Every good website has two pages. a home and then about us. There's a picture of you, Austin, and a picture of you, Tony.

You're together and one of you is flipping the camera off. Austin, that's you. Are you guys in an airplane? Oh, yes. Big business. We travel together. Oh, cool.

Yeah, we were in first class, but we gave it up for, yeah. Either pregnant, she was either pregnant lady or. Yeah. Or what? Now you guys are looking at each other panicked. Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, man. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. What's up? Guys, what's up? No, we told this story to our mom and she said to never say it out loud again. Your collective mom?

Well, we told both of our moms at once. Yeah, our collective mom's hang out. Of course, they're best friends. They do choir together. Oh, wow. I didn't know. We've never talked about them. So you guys go to church.

Oh, no, no, no. It's a non. It's a secular choir. Yes, it's just for adults who miss being in a choir group, but you can't do that easily as an adult. Got it. Now, you're on a plane. You say this was a business trip.

Yeah. Did you guys just go on a school trip? What? No, we went to D.C. on our own volition. Okay, volition. Nice. What in D.C.?

Just kind of have meetings near monuments? Yes. Meetings near, with who, investors? Yeah. Absolutely. Mrs. K. Investors. Mrs. K.

Mrs. K. Mrs. K. A potential investor. Oh. She's so good. She asks questions, then she only knows the answer. Mrs. Kay sounds, I'll be honest, this is sounding, it sounds like a teacher that you maybe were on a school trip. Yeah.

What's she teaching? Just because she has the job doesn't mean she can't invest. How did she have money to invest? So true. So true. Now under about us it says we're two dick guys in debt. Right. Yes.

We think auto pay is fucked up. Yes. And we want to work with Scott. No mention of Jason. No, I can't help but notice the website doesn't mention me either. But yet you desperately want me to wear these shoes. to the Oscars. Wait, wait, wait, but we just edited the front page to say your name too.

Yeah, yeah. You just edited? We didn't. We didn't walk in here and see you and panic. God, damn it. God, I feel very disrespect. Oh, no, no. To be honest, we thought we would lose you by the About Us page.

You didn't sense him clicking on a second page. No. That's understandable. We're happy you made it this far. Well, they, I mean, these are great shoes. Yes, I love them. I love them. They're so comfortable.

I wouldn't mind wearing them to places if I happen to wear them out and about. Oh, I'm a Bacari or the Oscars. Sure, yeah, yeah. Like a premiere or the Oscars. Barn. Okay, barn. Okay, barn. Sure, any barn I happen to find myself in, but so you want to convert this into sales?

Yes. Okay, so then how are, people are going to see us wearing the shoes. Yes. Then they're going to go where to your original website? Do we say cool dickshoes.com? Are we promoting the old website? Yeah, the old website or one of the five other ones. Okay.

We haven't decided where to direct our traffic. Yeah, we're cool. So if someone says to us, those are great shoes, but I'm in desperate need of a printer. Oh, then that would be we sell printers, not dick, okay, we did try to get away from Dick's shoes for a little bit. Okay, but that's the problem is because you are now still selling Dick Shoes and printers. Oh, that's beautiful harmonizing. Wow.

Business is so hard Can I make a suggestion Crendel, yes, please help these ladies out Your ladies? No No, I mean, sorry, help you What the fuck? Help me, are you trying to Gentlemen

What the fuck? What are you? When I just fucking fight you, bro What's that that was not a funny joke? Oh my God, you think you're cool like John C McGinley from scrubs I beg your pardon RFK, we're angry, we have nowhere to turn

You should be, we're angry should be furious, especially if you're you know Oh, why? Not my words. Oh, this guy's saying it's okay to talk like that. Yeah. Enabled, enabled. Wait, what's your?

Yeah. Oh, God, it's so good to see boys working. And working in a partnership, no more boy-on-boy crime or hate. It's so fun. Yeah. But I just wanted to make a suggestion you do need a promo code on your websites. So what promo codes do you guys have? We don't, none as of yet.

we definitely are thinking, yeah, we could come up with some. Yeah, here's an idea. Mark your shoes up by 35% and then say get 35% off with this promo code. That's so good. Yeah, exactly. Promote, bang, is that how it works? No, I don't think Bang Bang is the one to use.

But maybe you guys could come up with some on your own. Promote, CBB, in my ass. I don't think that anyone wants to use that. promo code, fill your canyon. Fill your canyon. and then, yeah, we can definitely do 35% off. Yeah, I think with this business model. Sure.

Yeah, sure, why not? Yeah, so that'll be on the website by the time that this episode comes out. I'm sure. Absolutely. We have nothing to do but make websites. We have all the time in the world. And shoes.

Yeah, and shoes. Yeah. Well, this is a wonderful gift. I really want to thank you for this. I so appreciate it. These are great. I can't wait to keep wearing these forever. How did you get these boys' sizes?

How did you know what size is great? I'm assuming Wiki feet. Yeah. My score is impeccable on that. Oh, yeah. Scott, I'm so proud of you about that. Thank you so much, yeah. Mr. Scott filled out a form is the answer.

Shut the fuck up. And then, yeah, send a photo realistic dick that he wanted to be drawn on there. Yeah. We don't need to discuss whose it was. Model after his own. I mean, yeah. It wasn't my own. It was modeled after my own.

Muddled after his own. That's better, right? It looks a little bit more like it was muddled after your own. Hey, Jason. You're supposed to be my best friend. You guys are best friends. You're like us. Yeah.

Wait, what? What? You know what's awesome? I feel like talking to you guys is that like we hear so much about the young male loneliness epidemic. And you guys are not only best friends, but are so caring and so you take such good care of each other and your emotional well-being. And that's incredible.

That's wonderful to see. That's true. Yeah. Our mom always told us like to be like to be masculine, like doesn't mean that you can't have like a buddy that you look out for. Do you guys ever get in fights between you two? The only fight we've ever gotten in was over a lady. Oh.

Oh, who's this? No surprise there that a woman caused that. I'm so sorry for you, boy. You sound just like my mom. Good. You have a good boy, mom, I can tell. Yeah. Was this someone you wanted to take to prom?

Yeah. But it turns out she was a teacher. Turns out, she was a teacher. Turns out. How did you discover the... Was it Mrs. Kent? We've been flared. We're starting we thought for months, but it was...

She was just teaching you history? Yeah. Yeah. But why was she giving so many details about presidents if she didn't want... Checks and balances. Yeah. It sounds like she was seducing you boys. That's what we thought.

Yeah, she took advantage of you. Yeah. We should get her off of the school. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. Okay. Get her off of there. Get her off that school. Get her right off the roof of that school.

Huh. I wouldn't mind. Yeah, I wouldn't mind. I could get her off. Oh, Austin, Austin, come on. We could get her off. We don't do those kind of jokes on comedy, bang, bang, okay?

Not that kind of show. Not that kind of show. No, but, I mean, like, let's not shame them for making jokes about getting women off because they should want to get women off. That should be your goal every single time. That's absolutely what they should be. No, the female orgasm is a myth. I'm going to tell you boys that right now.

Women do not come. They do not need to come. Oh, sweet. We have updated the CDC website. Women don't need to come. Women don't need to come. And also, there's no such thing as a clitoris. It's just a theory.

Oh, thank God. I don't have to waste time looking for that. Yeah, it stressed me out a lot. Well, Austin and Tony, thank you so much for these gifts. I noticed no one else brought gifts, so you're the first guest to come with something. I appreciate this. Can you stick around? We need to get to our next guest.

Absolutely. Okay, fantastic. Well, this is exciting. I've never met this gentleman before. Oh, bowl, bowl, Mary Shoopsmith, Scott. Did you say, oh, Bo, Bo, Bo? Mary Soup Smith.

Bowl, bowl, bowl. Bo, Bo, Bo. Mary Soup Smith. Mary Soup Smith. Mary Soup Smith. Bowl, bowl, bowl, Barry Soupsmith. Please welcome to the show, Soup to Clause. Yes, yes.

Hello, Scott, and everybody. Check, check, check. Supta Cloud. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Okay, there we go. Now you're there.

Now you're there. Okay, no, we don't need Darth Vader noises. Are you blowing on the soup? I'm blowing on the... It's the only way I know to test the mic is like a soup. He blew the fire out. I got to hit the bellows. Wow.

Give it oxygen. Thank you, Jason. Do you mind if I put some soup on the old fire? Put some soup on the Barbie. I needed to come along, Scott, to give everybody their soups miss soup. Okay. Let me guess. Santa Claus, but soup themed.

Okay, Scott's done. What's the guy? I'm not asking anybody to guess. I'm not trying to surprise anybody. You'd think this was C-block with how thin this is. Scott? Are you sure this isn't a Will Hines character? I don't know what you mean, character. This has happened to me for years. Where did you go to college? This happens to you?

Yes, for years. I was first and the Christians stole Santa Claus from me because they were scared of the growth of paganism. Okay, so you, you predates Santa Claus by... So you predates Santa Claus. Yeah, we texted a little bit, and we saw if there was any sort of, um... Soup to Claus. You've moved on to puns so quickly. I thought that was the question.

But yes, I was ripped off for years, but please, Scott, I don't want to take up too much of your time. I just want to make sure everybody gets their soup for soup. Well, we actually have... a lot of time because I see our next guest is running late. Wonderful, Scott. Take your time. Wonderful, Scott.

What time of the year is soup miss? December 25th, Mr. F. Kennedy. Yes, I was ripped off through and through, but I don't mind. We can both exist. Now, Mr. Kennedy, when you... You mentioned it a lot for a guy who doesn't mind. I didn't mind at all.

You all were mean to me immediately. I came in with soup for everybody. And yet I... And it's not on... common. I walk in with big bowls of soup and everyone says you look like Santa Claus, you act like Santa Claus, you change one thing. I certainly hope everything you do. Well, I don't know. Not the common Santa Claus, but maybe the uncommon Santa Claus. Yes, thank you, Jason. You've been a very nice boy, so you get a big bowl of soup. By the way, this soup is cold. Is it meant to be a cold

soup? No, no, I was stuck in traffic. You don't have a sleigh that you're flying above? Yes, of course I have a sleigh, but my sleigh is a big cauldron. Everything between me and Santa Claus is this close with a little different, Scott. Does it fly in the air? What pulls the cauldron? Yeah. What pull the west pole, Jason?

No, what? He thought you were asking a Shakespearean question. What pole the cauldron? Can I say something to you? Yes. It is so nice to see someone take a bisque. Uh-huh. Thank you, Crendel.

It's a bisky business meeting? Thank you, Crenble. Yes, yes. So what are some of the other responsibilities you have during Christmas? Well, of course, the nub soups miss, thank you, Scott. The number one responsibility is to make sure everyone gets a big or small bowl of soup, depending on if they were naughty or nice. Oh, so they get a small one if they're naughty and big if they're nice or vice versa.

So everybody gets soup, it's just the amount. Yes, yes. Soup's nis is not about punishment. Now, you just said soupsness. Now, I just want to be clear. If you want me to take it, I'll take it. But the last one I took, I got reamed for. But yes, my number one enemy is the soupsness monster.

He lives. What? He's a dinosaur-type fellow. Missy? Missy, yes. So you know, Jason. Oh, I've heard of Missis. Jason's research for more.

Where's he lived? Nancy. In a big bowl of soup outside of Scotland. And he, this is your number one enemy. How many enemies are we talking? Where do I begin? I mean, look, let's start at number 100. Everybody counts down to one.

Supta Claus has a huge rogues gallery. Yes, of course. Do we have the mirror master? Number 100, the mirror master. Okay. Is this someone I should know anything about before I go on with that? No, go run with it. Okay.

The mirror master. course, is the reverse version of me. So he eats your soup every soups. Oh, you think he'd be higher up on the list if he was my opposite, but he's 100 because I have a lot of enemies. Once you deliver the soup, you don't care what happens.

Why is this monster is confined to a lake? You're number one. Oh, we're back to the soup. Nissey? We're back to Nissie? Because that's where he was naturally born. It's where he's most comfortable. I don't know if you know this, RFK. Most indoor spiders were born in the house that they

They're found in. You can eat up to 1,000 spiders a year and be stronger for it. I don't disagree. That's RFK talking. That's not the worm. Does he clarify which is which? Well, the worm has a slightly different voice. So do spiders need to be found in a house, or could they be in a business?

You're saying if you're like, see a spider. In a business. Was they born in the house and moved over there? Oh, it depends on the business. business. It absolutely depends. Like a raw dress for less? What's that?

I'm sorry. If you see a spider, say a spider. I'm going to say a spider. So, sorted spider. So tell us. Tell us. Yes, Scott Ackerman. And please, eat up.

Have you been naughty or nice this year, Scott Ackerberg? I thought that was supposed to be something you knew. He's been naughty. His sperm is low. I have low sperm. Well, then you need a lot of soup, Scott Ackerman. Yes, we can, we can up your sperm count. in one to two to three soups, misses.

Okay. Just the right amount of soup. Wow. Yeah, all right. May I ask how you've been testing your sperm count? Apparently it was harvested in the last appearance. Dawson got up in there and he got it out. Okay.

Well, I'm so sorry to hear that. So all we need. You're very empathetic. Thank you. Oh, I don't, I've lived for so long and I've seen people. How long? How long have you been alive? Let's see. I was there when Jesus Christ,

had his moment of doubt and faith. Okay, wow. I mean, that's quite a long time ago. That's like 33 AD. Yes, yes, so a long time. I can't remember a time when I didn't exist. But wait, you were there for that? Yes, yes.

Wasn't he alone? Well, he thought he was. I was bringing him his soup and he'd been a very naughty boy, Jason. They don't tell you this in the New Testament, but Jesus had been very naughty. Wow. So soup smiths, pre-dates Christ.

which was based on the day he was born were you there like is that when at his birth yeah little drummer boy was originally a little soupy man little soupy man that was me i brought some soup as a gift so why but why couldn't you have been a soupy boy like a little soupy man well they called a little soupy boy and i thought it was diminutive it was disrespectful i was like i'll show you a soupy boy oh and you grabbed your dick like that grab near my dick. You near your dick. Like I analyze this kind of situation. Yeah, okay.

Oh, eat some more soup, Scotty, man. This is way too much soup, by the way. I'm sweating through my jeans again. Can I ask soup to, is it the same flavor? Get on soup to's laugh. All right. Does everybody get the same flavor of soup?

And I can speak right into your ear here, since it's just you and me talking about. Yeah, RFC Jr., by the way, is eating for two. Congratulations What's the worm Oh Dennis Rodman? Oh the worm's here

The worm's talking to us Oh the worm in the brain Yes the worm in the brain The worm is talking right now Talk to the worms Oh my god are you the one who writes The sexy poems Has this been covered already?

I mean I inspire them So you're doing like a Ciro worm de Bergerac For RFK Serenot de Wormgerac Thank you Thank you I welcome a punch up This is a good puncher

Get your raccoon meet up Well, we're, quick, quick, quick, throw the raccoon meat down. Oh, yeah, oh, look at him, go. If only we cook this up and do a little soup for your work. Oh, nice drive. Oh, shit. Oh, damn it. RFK, do you remember with-Chilla on the way over here?

I ate chinchilla. Do you remember RFK when your wife Cheryl was in the television show, son of Zorn? Of course I do. That's what I fell in love with her. We were married for a while. You're a Zornhead? Don't forget who you're talking to. Well, RFC.

Love Zorn. I don't know if you remember this, but the way they animated that show was they had to shoot plates with a big man where Zorn would be standing. Right. The big man would play one take, and they would then know where he was, and then he would play off camera, and the actors would have an eye line. I was that big man, and I was at your house for the cast party, Robert. I recognize you now. I don't know if you remember. I fed your llama, R.F. Kennedy.

Yes, and then I ate that llama. Well, I just wanted to say it's great to see you again. It's good to see you. A merry soup, Mr. You. What was your original question? Oh, the soup you get. What the flavors? The soup you give is the soup you get. That's exactly right.

So what soups did you serve this year, Mr. Kennedy? Let's see. There was a porcupine noodle. To be specific, is that like chicken noodle with chicken and noodles or are the noodles made of porcupine? Or are the noodles the needles the needles? It's just a pork and pine in a bowl. Okay, cool. That makes more sense. Piping hot. A little water.

Piping hot. I served crem to polio. Okay. If you have a bowl of it, you're immune from polio. That's all you need to do. Okay. Bolio polio, that's something. A bollio of polio? Do we want to play with that RFK,

Boliopoleo? What do you think? Is there much play left in it? Is there anything to Bisk Smith? Barry Bisk, Miss Jason. A big bowl of lobster bisk for Jason. Crendle had Bisk earlier. I'm just, I'm just working off of that. That was better.

You just said was better. Way to go. What if instead of Boll, bowl, bowl, you said, Gaspatch, oh, ho, ho. Oh, that's good, too. despite so am i am i kind of dip thonging the chow into the ho ho ho ho that's it you've got it would it have been helpful for us to punch up your bit before you came this is the sense of soupy play for everybody scott there's enough soup to go around for you all and what about you young ladies no this is oh oh hey hey hey hold me back hold me back

I'm holding you back. Okay, I'll hold you back. Fuck you. And, uh, uh, silent night holy soup. Yeah, I fucking killed it. Nailed it, girl. Make that joke. No fucking way.

Grabbing near my fucking dick. Oh, boldly night. Very good. But I'm sorry. I was asking, thank you for the suggestion. I take all of these and I put them in my big soup recipe sack. But when I was asking you is if you been naughty or nice this year. We're on a good.

track now. Yeah. So I would say good turned better. Yeah. Although I think they're getting their teacher fired from school. Mrs. Kay. We were not going to the prom with them. Please, big ball of soup.

Please, man. We need this. We need this. It's a fair quid pro quo. If the teacher doesn't date you, they should be fired. Exactly. Exactly. We all saw Oliana.

I mean, I left, but I think I get it. A little town of Bethlehemstock? Yes, Scott Ockerman. A big, another ladle for you, Scott. Eat it straight from the ladle, my good man. Oh, God, it's still so cold. We'll get that heated up. Jason can get the fire going there.

I think he's using a straight-up accordion, not those actual blowers. Oh, there you go. Oh, there's the fire. Okay, yeah. I found the bellows, and I'm using them. Don't worry. Soapta Claus is looking around panic. Not sure where the next attack is going to come from.

He's eating soup out of nervousness. It looks a little too hot too. It's so hot. I'm fucking good. Soup to cost. Yes. Do you go around to every house in the world on soupsmas? Of course, Scott Akerman,

except of course, anyone who doesn't eat soup due to their religion or their, but dietary restrictions, you know, they're a struggle now. I'll tell you back when I was killing Jesus, we didn't have. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. You crucified my Lord? Who's your Lord? It was Jesus. Yes, yes, I should have known from context clues.

I did, but he stole my holiday. No. Yes, yes, he did. You killed Jesus Christ? Were you pretending to be a Roman, or were you? Yes, yes. Well, listen, Jesus said to me, I'm having one supper. and I said, oh, I think I know

what's on the menu, my good man. So you were catering the event. Yes. As you've seen the painting, I'm kind of poking my head in with a big chef's hat and a big ladle. Like a ratatooie hat? Everybody's kind of going like we've had enough. Right.

Oh, we didn't actually order any of this or anything like that. Rendell, goodbye. Have some soup for the road. I'm sorry, I have to go to my son Braxton. He needs a change. That's right? I'm going to change his diaper.

Go ahead and hit the music, Scott. Okay, let's see. Let me pull it up. Okay, here we go. And are you going to wait for the drop, are you leaving? Braxton. Thank you. Bye, Crendel. Bye, Crenel. Here, take it on Wala of Soup with you.

All right. There is. Crendel's gone. Plus a plug for a water bottle. Oh, yes, the only way to carry soup in the year 2025, Jason. Hot or cold, your soup won't get old. a wall of water bottle. Well, that doesn't seem like an ad.

It had a rhyme. It's not cheap. I'm very sponsored, Jason. How sponsored are you? I'm so sponsored that the doctor slapped my mom when I was born. Okay. Wait, soup de Claus. Are you a stand-up comedian?

Well, I dabble. I mean, I've been around so long. I've seen so much. And you're only working one day a year. I mean, you've got to fill up the time somehow. Yes. And for a while, I was like, well, maybe I'll be. be a doctor and go through school for that

or whatever, but I couldn't help making witty rye observations. Oh, like a Patch Adams kind of guy over here. Yeah, before I've heard. Before I gave him what he deserved too. You killed Patch Adams? Oh, he went the way of Jesus Christ. Oh, wow. They were I guess everyone does. The two of them were

in danger of becoming too powerful. That's what I said. I was just having my comeback. The year's 96, me and Robbie Williams, not the singer. I call Robin Williams Robbie for short. Don't look that way. But what about...

To clarify, you killed Patch Adams. Yes, yes, yes. But I'm giving you the reason why. Okay. We're in talks to make a Soup to Clause movie. Oh, wow. Robin Williams to play Soup to Clause. Okay.

This sounds like it would be a huge hit. But he's so short and you're so tall. Well, they do that all the time in movies. Okay. Have you seen Blue Moon where Ethan Hawk is 410? Nope, I have not. Is that true? Yes.

It's supposed to be. Of course perspective. What we were going to do is have him do a reverse Toulouse Latrek from Moulon Rouge. Of course. Where John Leguizamo was on his knees. This one would have been Robin Williams standing the rest of the cats on their knees. Everybody else's door on there. Wait a second.

Everybody else is Dorf on golfed. You're saying that John Leguizamo was dorfing it in Mulan Rouge. He was. You sure was. Sorry to tell you. That's a real thing. Johnny Legs. Sorry that this is where you had to find.

Johnny Legs was on his knees. This was a huge multimedia. million dollar production. And they had a guy kneeling on shoes. Then I saw the Broadway show and he wasn't short at all and turns out it wasn't necessary to the plot. Well, no, I left that Broadway show and those

actors and everyone that did the production got a small bowl of soup that year. Oh, wow. Because I wanted to lose for the trek to be on his knees, pretending to be a little person. And you punish the rest of the cast and crew as well. Everyone involved. It's the same as doing a Woody Allen movie.

Speaking of Oliana, there's a movie now that's just Oliana, but now. Yes. Don't know Julia Roberts? After the hunt, yeah. Yeah. And here's a weird thing. They used the Woody Allen font for the credits. Really?

It's very jarring. So did Blue Moon, actually, now come to think about it. What the fuck is Blue Moon? Blue Moon is even Hawks Richard Linklater film where he plays the... Oh, he plays Roger. It's Rogers and Heart story. He plays, yeah, Hart. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You haven't seen the screener like I have yesterday? No. I don't get screeners anymore since my dad died. Oh, I'm so sorry. Wouldn't Cheryl get them? She won't share. Did they send screeners? Right there in her name.

Sammy Davis Jr. used to send them to my dad. Bless you. Oh, no problem. Well, he couldn't watch him with his one eye. Are you all right? Am I all right? Robert, what he's saying is that because

Sammy Javis Jr. famously Please call me Bobby F.K. Jr. Bobby F.K. Jr. rolls off the soup. Be it. Of the soup. So now Furf rules. Now you're a guy who substitutes

various words with soup. Scott, we don't go through the world saying I'm this type of guy. We just live doing whatever it is that comes to us. I was born. I don't. know how long ago into the ether, a man who rewarded people with soup, whether they were good or bad every year, until that rat bastard, Jesus Christ, got to steal my holiday. You got to be really

careful with this. Okay. Okay. Until that guy, Jesus Christ, tried to steal my holiday. All right. And then, me and some other people at the last supper, I tried to poison the soup and no one wanted any. So I was like, okay, we got to figure out another quick way to do this. Okay. Crucifixion. Oh, wow. So you're saying that some of the other disciples and apostles were in on this? Yeah, were you working with Judas at all? Oh, of course.

Judas is great, baby. I love Judas. Oh, wow. Yeah, me and Judas, I made a lot of plans together. We hung a lot really well. I got to give him on a lot of people listen to this, right? Not really. If I'm doing panel here, I just got to give a shout out.

You just got so relaxed. You leaned back in your chair. Your whole demeanor changed. When I brought up. Judas, you became a different guy. I just realized, baby, I'm doing panel with the boys here. I can get comfortable. Yeah, because it's nothing but boys in the

room now that Crendel's gone. That's right. Oh, Crendel was a woman. Yes, that's right. I had a baby. I couldn't tell by the name. But anyway. But anyway. I got to give Judas a shout out. He really took the fall for me on that one. And through all of history, people said, like, Judas, that's the worst circle of hell is the Judas circle. And they don't mention

soup to Clause, even though I was really involved in that. true you're not mentioned in scripture at all at all wait this is news to you I figured I didn't want to read it because I was embarrassed you're not even you're not even in the extensive footnotes you are not in there bud really not at all I was a religion major

the original scrolls nothing yeah yeah man I mean I didn't want to take all the blame but sorry that just sucks I'm sorry I didn't know that I assumed I was in there a little bit sorry no I mean you haven't you haven't seen Passion of the Christ or any of these movies? Or you're not a Mel Gibson game? Greatest story ever told? You're not

in there? More like the greatest story I have seen the passion, yeah. It wasn't for me, but I appreciate the work Mel does. Okay. Yeah, apocalyptic. Big fan of Apocalypse. Oh, yeah. I mean, they don't speak a lick of English in that movie. That must be hard. How do you direct them on set? I think they probably speak

English enough to... How did they understand them? They were speaking apocalyptic in the whole movie. Did you ever see it? I don't think that's the language. Well, why did they name it that then? I don't think that's like... They don't name every movie on the language that's spoken in it. I'm doing Apocalypse on Duolingo.

Now, hang on. Soup de Claus is starting to sound like he's inside, like the Joe Rogan's fear. He's also dropped all the soup stuff. Now he's just being combative about Jesus. He's not only thing, Scotty, baby. You bring up Apocalypse. I mean, what am I going to say? I didn't watch it because there's no soup in it.

I'll watch a movie without soup in it. He doesn't have the panic in his eyes anymore. that he's going to be called upon to do more soup puns. I'll do more soup puns. Only whatever you want, baby. I'm doing panel with the boys. This is five. It's old school.

What's your favorite movie that involves soup? That's a good question. Babette's Feast. Reda Tewy. Oliver. Huh? Oliver. That's more gruel.

That's true. Okay, sorry. God damn it. Yeah, that's more gruel. like where it is gruel and soup what is the distance is it just moisture level oh gruel is more of a mush soup is a liquid base okay rule is a heavy base that's mushed up but like like you guys what would you say you do I'm not mushed up you are sir quite mushed yeah I will say that's true you've been mushed you've been smushed but not up um you know what we

We're running out of time. We're running out of time. I don't have time for your searching for something. We have to take a break. I'm sorry. Soup to Claus. We cannot wait until you come up with a pun.

Another pun with chowder in it somehow. I'm not looking for a chowder pun. I'm trying to think of movies where they eat soup. Yeah. Look, we have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more mirth, more merriment.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang, bang, bang after this. comedy bang bang bang the 2025 holiday spectacular Jason Manzookas is here of course hey oh we have RFK junior we have the worm we have the worm although the worm is oh the worm is active I am I'm in and out I have my good days and my bad days I'm just this sounds like a good day we've talked to you a lot you know yeah do you wish that you could be exclusively in control of RFK Jr's body I do because it's kind of my home now you know what I mean yeah yeah And we all want to be in control of our home, making it move around and stuff. Yeah, like the Baba Yaga.

Yeah, of course. Oh, yes, up on those bird's legs. Yeah, chicken legs. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The R.K. Jr.'s my Baba Yaga. Wow.

It's also kind of a banner Hulk situation. We also have Austin and Tony here of Cool Dick Shoes.com. What is it? Uh-huh. And we have soup to claws. Slurp, slurp, slurp. Slurp, slurp, slurp. Slurp, slurp.

Slurp, slip, slurp. You're getting grosser and grosser. Even I think. That's disgusting. Do they eat soup in that scene and hook where they're imagining foods? Oh, my God. I couldn't tell. I don't remember that movie at all.

I thought you were going to do a Tucker Max kind of thing. Do they serve soup in hell? I hope they do. All right. Well, we need to get to our next guest. It's always a pleasure when they're here. All the way from the North Pole, please welcome. Ho-ho.

Hello! Yay! Hey, what's up, bitches. Hey, I don't appreciate that, but hey, welcome. Much needed Christmas spirit to this episode. Missed you guys. Missed you. Ho-ho, you're the naughty elf, of course.

Of course I am. I bring nodding things to all the bad girls and boys like knives, nunchucks, et cetera, et cetera. RFK! RFK, wake up! Wow, wow. RFK was out. I didn't realize that was, the voice was talking to me. Your voice?

Look over here. What? I'm the size of a dollar bill. Jinks, dibo me a Coke. Jinks, owe me a maha. Coke is a toxic poison. Oh, what should I drink instead? Castor oil

That makes me shit, blood. Good. Oh, I know it is good. That's how you know it's working. I serve it to my dog. Ho-ho, you've got it. I got a dog. Oh, that's so cool.

Because I was shitting so much blood. I need to put it somewhere. Oh, is that a recent addition to the family? Yeah, I just got it. Oh, okay. Did you get a rescue or a... I rescued it, sure. From where?

A nice family's home. Oh, you stole the dog, ho-ho. I'm not a good elf. Hey, guess what? I have a worm brain too. Really? Yeah. I mean brain worm.

Worm brain. Na, na, na, na, a worm brain. Ho-ho and R.FK. Jr.

They're like linked. Yeah. Wait, you have a worm in your brain? Ho-ho? What happened? Well, I guess I was

falling asleep with a dirt again and it went in my ear, went in my head. A classic dirt man. How'd yours get in? Did you talk about this? Sorry.

No, we didn't. I was eating a bowl of worms. Oh, yeah. And one just jumped up my nose. That'll happen. I wonder if their worms know each other. Oh, yeah.

You want to talk to mine? Yeah. Can the worms speak to each other? I'll allow it. Hello. Hey, what's up? Nothing much. How are you doing?

I'm good. I've met you. Yeah, refresh my memory. Okay, library, inside a book. That's right. Because I used to kind of be a bookworm. Oh, God. That's right.

And I was in an apple. Yes. I remember that. Yes, I was on the librarian's desk. Yes, this is like a meat cute. You're single? Oh, my God. I am, well, I mean, do you count this?

Oh, like your host? Yeah. Yeah, no, you're single. Yeah. Oh, okay. I like you. You're so aggressive. You're sick.

Oh, my God. R.FK. Jr. and Ho-ho are making out now. What's happening? What's happening? Oh, no. How long was I out? What's Cheryl going to do?

What's Nunzi going to do? What just happens? Yeah, I guess your worms got along and started making out with each other. Wow, that's hot. You taste like shit. Thank you. Are you like made of an old cigarette or something? Cigarettes can be healthy in the right dosage.

Hey, what's soupsta doing here? Oh, boy. Yeah. Well, well, well. We meet again. I actually don't mind Ho-ho because Ho-Ho is not a lot of y'all. And ho, ho, soup, slurp, slurp to you. Slurp, slurp to you, my dong.

My dog. Thank you, Ho Ho, Ho, for bringing much-needed energy to this part of the show. Oh, soup still not really bringing it? Soup to. You know how it is, O'ho. I came to bring soup, and you know how it is. Sometimes you try to bring joy, but all you get is hate. But that's okay.

Joy is all I feel. What kind of soupy that? What's up? What's on? Won't answer that question. Oh, Jesus. Do you want a liquid-based soup, or like a water-based soup or a cream-based? Cream!

Do you want American-style, Russian-style, East Asian-style, Indian-style? Russian! Okay. Well, then I've got cream of beet soup for you. Yuck, freezing. No, you can eat cream of beet hot. Okay, heat it up. I'm trying to.

Jason, help me out over there. Heat that beat! All right, we've got the fire going. Crackle, crackle. Who heat the beat up? Who heat the beat up? Who? Soup, soup. Wait, let me try that again.

You're punching it up mid-bit? He was still talking. Oh, speaking of Crackle, have you ever met Snapcrackle or Polly? They're about your size? No, I haven't. Are they here? They're not, unfortunately. Oh, then yes, I have. Or any of the, I'm also curious about the Keebler elves.

I know those guys. We get around. Okay. They loves to fuck. Oh, really? What about Galandriel and Glabador or whoever? They're too big. What about Captain Crunch?

You're not into big elves? No. Captain's not really an elf, but he's crunchy. He's small like you, I think. Isn't he, though? He's not really. He's not human-sized, does he? They're not trying to insubate he's six feet tall.

He's at least half the size of a real man. Yeah. That big hat. He's the captain of a ship. His head goes straight up. So does his dick go straight out. Is that one? He's like a right angle.

That's true. 90 degrees. I think I had go straight up as well. You know what 90 degrees is named after? What's that? The angle of their dicks. Oh, wow. So there's a little curvature, just like the dick on Scott's shoes?

Yeah, exactly. Oh, by the way, this is Austin and Tony. I didn't wait for it to introduce them. Yeah, the owners and proprietors of cool dick shoes.com. Wow, that's a fancy dick. Dick you. Yeah. Dick you?

You're dickdom. Yeah. That is welcome. In your language. Totally. We're still learning it. dicked up to you too. Thank you.

Merry dick miss. You want to see my dick? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a candy. It's the time of the season. Much like that song. Mm-hmm.

It's a little candy cane. Yoink. And yoinke. Yeah, yoinck is pulling it out, I guess. Yeah. He yointed this doink right out. Yeah. I'm going to let it snow a little bit.

Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God. It's shooting. It's more like slush. It's a lot more like slush. Slush. dogs.

What are you giving away this Christmas for what am I giving away? For naughty little boys and girls because they're all upset that they don't get

real toys from Santa but you... I know. What are you giving to people? Well so I got a bunch of those old pokey balls like Pokemon. Oh, okay.

I thought you meant actual like sushi poker. Not pokey balls. Oh, okay. Which I guess were probably inspired by pokey balls. I guess?

Probably. We'll go back and figure that later. Uh-huh. Well, anyway, I'm taking pokey balls and I'm putting in surprises inside.

Oh, like what? kids and find something special. Number one, first thing I ever put in one of them was a tongue. Okay. Like a human tongue? A dead man's tongue. Oh. Was the message to that child don't talk?

Yeah, stop squealing. Yeah, you better not say another word, damn it. Keep your mouth shut of your tongue's coming out. If you eat enough human tongues, you can develop a beautiful singing voice. Oh, wow. How great the art. Wow. Was that your worm or you?

That was both of us. Come to hear the harmony. Oh, wow. Gorgeous. Other ones dog shit, piss. That kind of stuff. Oh, yeah, great. Okay.

Just wondering. Standard. I'm actually kind of in a fight with Santa right now, and I was hoping he'd be here. I'm kind of shocked he didn't show. Well, I mean, we have soup to claws. Yeah, it's not the same. Slurp, slip. You think we can get him on the horn?

I guess so. We could try calling him up. Let's see. What is it? 1-800. Santa Claus? Just Santa Claus? I think so.

All right. Here, I'm dialing right now. And, okay, it's ringing. Jingle bells. Yeah, jingle bell rings. Jingle bell rings. I mean, it's right before Christmas. Santa.

Santa, make it quick. Santa, Santa, it's Scott Ockerman of Comedy Bang Dang. Hey, hey. What's going on? Hey, what have I been sleeping recently? What? You see me when I'm sleeping, right? Yeah.

Yeah, when have I been sleeping? That night? Oh, man, he's good. This is the real Santa Claus. It is. You asked him only something he would know. Hey, sir. Hey, what's up, SC? What's happening, my bad?

How you doing, bro? Hey, Nong, man. Hey, Santa, we're going to kidnap you for Scott hasn't seen a few days. You don't have to fucking kidnap me. We've been over the time. We're going to watch Mr. Bean's holiday if that's okay. Hey, what? Did we agree to that?

We did last year. Santa, hi. Oh, ho, what are you doing that? I'm here, and I thought you would be here. We always meet here every year. It's too close to Christmas for me to be fucking around like that. Well, I have some beef with you, actually. Actually, I was hoping to talk to you about.

Oh, really? Yeah, you've been using my iPad. What? You said I could use your iPad. Yeah, but not for what you used it for, you sick fuck. Hey, don't you try to make up lies about me? What's Santa been using the iPad for, Ho-Ho? Uh, ho-ho to watch a little something called P-O-R-N.

That's not true. Yeah, right. I don't need BORN to get off. Oh, Santa. What gets you on? I have a vivid imagination. Okay. It's always raw-dogging with your mind?

Yeah. So, jealous? I don't, I am jealous. I don't buy it. So, Santa, why did you borrow, and I'm, you know, I'm being generous when I say borrow, but why did you borrow? What do you mean you're being generous when you said? Well, I mean, I don't want to intimate that you stole it from Ho-Ho. Then you're not being generous.

It sounds like Ho-ho had it back because Ho-Ho saw the search history. I guess, yeah, but what were you doing? You're going to take Ho-ho's word? You want me to say or you want to say it? I'll stay it. Yes, I play plans versus Zorro. zombies. That's not what we're talking about.

Then I don't know. Let's both say the kind of porn you like. Oh, right. One, two, three. Big tits. With three tits? Big tits. Oh, with three.

I heard three. You were talking at the same time. That's your porn. That's your porn search. Well, it's fucked up by Algo. Good. Yeah, my inst is all messed up too. You can only improve it.

The thing you search for, you freak. Yo, did you look at my search history? Of course I did. You're nasty. Maybe I am, but not as nasty as you. What did I see? What did you see? What did you search for?

Yeah, what did I search for and then see? With my dirty little eyes. Here's what a ho-ho likes to search. Uh-oh. Close-up, knife boom. Normal, normal. Gunpowder residue. Normal, just curious.

I think these are also RFK Jr.'s search terms. I'm almost there Your face is getting so red You're like a leather wallet That got left in the rain There's one, toddler fails Oh yeah And that's like when they fuck up

When they think they're gonna walk for the first time And then they just fucking fall down Losers Plandiotrap deaths Mousetrap deaths How many of those occur every year Well if you're a mouse Oh okay yeah I wasn't thinking about that

I was thinking about humans dying in mousetraps. Only two. Two a year? Two a year. Oh, okay. You're more likely to get bitten by a shark than die by a mouse trap. Those are pretty good.

Unless you put it on your neck. Here's what I want to say. Yeah, if you actively try to do that, then yeah. Then yeah, you will die that way. It's like, you're unlikely to die falling off ladder unless you go up to a ladder and jump off. Well, okay, sure. Hey, Santa. What are we talking about?

Hello, I miss you. I miss you, too, guy. I got to say. I miss you, bud. When all of a sudden. done. You're my pal. Hey, Santa.

Can I ask you? I'm snuggling too. Super quick question, Santa. Just because you're on the phone and I know you. Yeah, I know you're on the phone with this. You don't know. By the way, Austin and Tony are here, Santa. There's somebody.

Well, Austin and Tony. Yeah. But here's the thing. You want to tell them what you got in store for them? Oh, no, I want to hear Jason's going to say. No, no. I just wanted to ask, Santa, have you ever heard of a guy named Supta Claus? Because he's here talking.

He's also here. He's here talking a lot of stuff. A lot of shit. I mean. That name, maybe is familiar. I feel like if he and I were in an elevator, I would say I don't think about him at all. Wow. Wow.

That's, that's cold. Hey, Santa. Who's that? It's a soup to clause, man. He said he's going to make me some borsed. Is that true? Yeah. You're going to make a whole some borsh?

Yeah, why not? No, you can do whatever you want. All right. I thought it was crossing a line. Soup to Clause is, like, crumbling. Have a great time. Santa, I don't even want to eat. I don't even want to eat it.

Sipta Claus was talking a lot of shit before you got in. Santa Claus just sigmund. Soup de Claus is alpha so hard. He Zanta, I'm not sure, but I don't know if you have accepted my friend request on Instagram. I'm not going to follow there. This guy's pathetic. I don't really check Instagram that much. That's not true.

He used that shit all day long. He's addicted. I try to get him off his phone. He won't stop. He loves TikTok too. I do love TikTok. You love AI videos of cats So many

You hate real cats So many animal videos now are just AI I don't like real cats But I love these stories of cats That are you know Cucking each other Or a cat rescues a wolf And then a wolf comes to full size

And they still love each other Oh you see a cat like doing the samba I love to see a cat doing a sensual Latin dance It's so funny That's so funny Suna Santa What's that?

Sam Sita again. Oh, sorry, sorry, man. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. I thought it was somebody else for a second. Austin and Tony, did you have something? Santa.

Santa. Santa. Yeah, what's up, guys? Santa. Santa. Santa. Santa. Santa.

Yeah, hello. Santa. Santa. We have a proposal. Well, you know, I'm married. No. It's even open. It's open.

Oh, okay. We can still get there. We have two proposals. One, you just shut down. The second one, we need you to go to, uh, Scott wears dick shoes. dot com we want you to be a celebrity ambassador oh now look that a lot of people approach me about this because i'm very public but i got to be very choosy about what brands i endure please please please please please when you say dick shoes yes what does that mean exactly we can

show you what it would look like it's just just shoes just shoes that have dicks up now the website has a picture of Santa wearing the diction First of all, I hate that picture of me. I wish I could scrub it from the internet. How is that live so quickly? Because we're Jed Z. We could do that kind of stuff fast.

I think you're younger than Gen Z. Get us out of the hole, please. I'll tell you, I can do this for you. But it's got to be I'm going to say January 7. So the day after the

anniversary? Tell you what, split the difference, January 6th. I was thinking of the epiphany. But I can't do it during the Christmas season problem. I just can't, guys. What about when you're taking pictures with all the kids in that like month before Christmas? Yeah. Yeah.

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, come on, man. It's not that hard to say yes. Hold on a second. I'll get back to you. That's not you, Santa. Santa, don't do this. Santa. Santa.

Santa, I've been taking pictures with you my entire. life. Have you seen his wall? It's every year of his life. Every picture with you. What the fuck? You can see me get older, grayer, and fatter? These are all you?

Yeah. Do you want to see him do that? I made it a flipbook too. My life, it just went by and just so quickly. It's like, oh my God. Oh, my God, that's what my life amounted to. Yeah. Oh, God.

Look how you wasted it. Those are all your best moments. Oh, man, ho. Hello. Hello? Hello? Baha. Santa, they're not all you, obviously, but the...

Who's that? It's souped again. That was you. I came to your house when them all closed and watched you play bass for four hours. Hey, man, I don't know who you... Who's house you were hanging in? It was you, right? He kept the Santa suit on the entire time? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I can't play the bass. I can play guitar. Santa, Santa, RFK has a present for you here. Yeah, Santa Claus. First of all, as a Catholic, it's an honor to meet you. Secondly, I got you a little something for all the joy that you spread. Oh, my, you express delivered it? Yeah, RFK sent it overnight. Wow.

An elf just handed this to me. Yeah, it should be there, yeah. They weren't pretty fast. Isn't that right? Oh, ho. I already said that, dumbass. Ho-ho. Maha.

All right. Okay, what am I looking at here? You can't tell? Uh, no, you're going to have to tell me. It's an antelope skull that's filled with port wine cheese. Oh, man. I mean, I like port wine cheese. I can't have it in the house because I'll go through the entire tub and what's

knitting. That's a pretty thoughtful gift from RFK. Yeah, he must know you like it. How'd you get that antelope skull? I had to gnaw off the flesh of the antelope. And then you're left with a nice, clean, gleaming skull. Okay. You have really sharp teeth, dude.

Thank you. Santa, do you want to say thank you? And so many rows of them. Yeah, that's kind of crazy. RFK Jr., by the way, was talking shit about you, Santa before you got on the phone. Is that fucking right? He was saying, like, don't leave cookies for you. Yeah.

I did say not to leave cookies for Santa. What are we supposed to? put out you bitch Hey Knock it off Ho-oh Oh-oh Mahah

Wait Why did I say it All right Look I can't stay on the phone All right I got shit to do Yeah

We're gonna kidnap you Pretty soon You better fucking Not kidnap me Just stop Stop cross-promoting your show Oh-ho I'll see you at home

I'll see you in hell That's probably true Santa, you think you're going to hell? Yeah, I mean, you know... He's pretty nasty. You guys didn't even know. I like to think I'm going to heaven, but I don't know. I guess you do really nice things one day a year.

Well, I mean, the lead up to it. What, you're not making the toys. You're in charge of it. I am designing the toys, except for the ones that kids request specifically. Can I ask you a question, Santa? When you are assembling your naughty and nice list, do you put yourself on it? Yes, I do. Where have you landed every year?

Every year I've on the naughty list. Every year I try to be better. I try to redeem myself. But I'm my own harshest critic. He's writing a self-help book. Don't you mean an elf help book? Why? Well, because you work with elves like ho-ho.

Right. I'm fine. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. I don't need help. I'm perfect. All right. All right. Anything else? I got to get out of here.

No, we're good. Bye. R.FK Jr., did you need to ask Santa anything? Zadda, will you bring me something for Christmas? All right. What do you want? Any, I mean, any woman, any woman at all. Any woman on earth? Yeah. As long as she's not my wife. I'll do it.

What do you mean? Oh, what do you mean you'll do it? I'll suck it, fuck it. Do it every you're looking for, I guess? Oh, wait, you're not going to bring the woman? You're going to be the woman? Yeah, why not? I'm bored. It's a deal. Okay, they're back to making out again.

Oh, my God. This time, it's not the word. God, you really just shit. Thank you. All right. Later, Sam. Hey, Sam, I'm a waste of my time. See you in a couple days.

All right, bye. Did you hear what he said as he was hanging out? It sounded like ho-ho-ho? I don't know, yeah. And stay out, rat fuck. Wow, come on, rat, right. Santa Claus coming alive again. What a, I mean, what a rat fuck.

I understand why you are the way you are. Hello. Hello, yep, he raised me. Wow. Well, hey guys, we're, we need to move on to our next guest, if that's okay. That's fine. Do we have someone else coming in? I'm talking to my producer here.

Do we have another guest coming in? It doesn't look like it. Okay. I think we should probably start wrapping up. Okay, yeah, I guess that's going to be it, right? So, oh, sorry, I'm getting a call here. Maybe this is a different guest. What is that ringtone?

Do you have a cricket in here? I'm super curious what the ringtone is, and was that planned as the ring? It's my jitterbug. Oh, your old person's cell phone? Yeah, it calls 911 and my mom. I think I have it set to man's falsetto. Here, let me just answer it here. Hello?

Hello, and thank you for choosing De Lucas Chop House. This is an automated car. for Scott Alckerman confirming your reservation for 50 people at midnight for a late night Christmas snack on Christmas Eve December 23rd you have selected the 90 course snack the 90 course snack we've made it easy to customize your experience Scott please answer the following questions are you ready oh sorry guys I got to answer these questions yeah go ahead Please press one or say Soonie to begin. Can I choose one?

No, soon ye. Oh, wow. Course one, the snacky starters. Press one for little donkey wrap. Press two for pizza in a Bloomingdale's bag. Plus three for lemon fifers. Oh, I got to get the lemon fivers. You've got to get the lemon fifers.

You have selected aros can pollo. Course two. I think I pressed the wrong button. Finger foods. Press A for rock hard mushrooms. from the back of the fridge. Press B for Kevin Spacey's fat fingers.

Press C for Lemon Fifers. The same button. He's got to get Lemon Fipers. What's a Lephyper? We cannot tell you what lemon fifers are. I think they can hear us, too. I don't know.

If you're having a conversation with us, it's pure coincidence. All right, I'm pressing two. You have selected the Luther Vandros' beef jerky tray. Oh, it's so soulful. Is it made out of him or it's something you would be. The tray is made out of beef.

Please select the snack layout. Trays. Press 1 to set up the snacks in our freezing attic. Press 1 to set up the snacks in our freezing attic. Oh. Press 1 to set up your mommy for murder. Oh, wow. Like Framer?

I wonder. Yeah, 1 is the only option. You have selected Jason Bateman for Ozark. Oh. The milk and cookies course is next. Please say, I'm in it for the money, mommy. I'm in it for the money, mommy. You've pressed the number one.

Press game to leave a linsertad and a lactate for Santa. Oh, wow. Press two to leave a dry macaron and Greek yogurt for Santa. Press three to eat Santa's cookie and suck his milk. I'm going to press two. Don't suck his milk. That's a whole one. You have selected Kevin Spacey's fat fingers.

God damn it. Currently homeless. Please select your snack table, Scott. One of those dangerous folding tables that your grandmother used to use. Pinch your fingers. B, balance your food on the lead of a mechanical pencil. C, eat your food off a nude body,

like in all those nude body sushi scenes from the movie. C, C, C, C. You have selected Kevin Spacey's lemon fifers. Damn it. Oh, his lemon fipers. At least we're getting lemon fifers. Please enter the average ass size. for your party.

A whopping 44 inches, A. B, big enough that my father turns his head at a restaurant. C, as big as a lemon fiber. C, see, definitely C. You've selected, my father makes me uncomfortable when he stares at women in public. You've reached a nightmare course, Scott. Are you ready to divulge your nightmare? I'm not really, but okay.

Is your nightmare A? singing in Costco, what if God was one of us? B, you're in a lens crafters trying to find David Mamet, smaller, rounder glasses. Or C, you are doing a three-hour set at Kill Tony. Oh God, C, C, C, C. You have selected saying the Z word. Uh-oh.

I don't even know what the Z word is. You can say it on Killtone. We're at course number 40, Scott. Okay. Course number 40 is how hurt will the old. woman B. A, she's on the ground and doesn't know how she got there. B, she wakes up in Lisbon with a little dog paw in her hand.

C, she's not hurt physically but emotionally because you suck her husband. I don't even, I'm gonna press nine. You've selected those golden disgusting Oreos that nobody likes. Okay. All right, Scott, we're about to play your three voicemails that you left on our message. Would you like to hear A? Why do you need to play them? We have to play them, Scott, in order for the reservation to go through.

Okay, fine. We should wrap up the show. No, I think I got to play these voices. Would you like to hear the voicemail you left us for the restaurant? Or B, your S&L audition. Oh, dear. Or C, your call to the doctor that you accidentally left on our voicemail. Uh, definitely not B.

Oh, A. You've selected play all. Oh, God. Here is your reservation request. Hi, this message is for DeLuca's Chop House. I just wanted to give you guys a heads up. I'm going to be arriving to my reservation with about 30 to 40 dogs, if things go right. And I just wanted to make sure the staff doesn't ask me any questions.

I know when people see that many dogs, their minds start to race, but I just want to keep my privacy and let me eat with the dogs. If I have, again, if I'm lucky and things go really, really right, thanks. And now we will play hard and say, what happened, Scott. I don't remember leaving it. You left it so, it's you, Scott. You have to want a thumbprint. It does sound like me, but I...

Here's your S&L audition. Oh, God. Hi, Lorne, Scott Walkerman here. I know I submit a tape a few times a year, but I wanted to send a new impression I'm working on. This is Kevin, the little blonde kid from home alone. Not sure if you've seen it, but he's blonde, like actually blonde. Anyway, here is Kevin pretending to be a bartender at a movie theater. Hey, have you had enough or are you thirsty for more Sprite?

That's all I got so far. That's all I got so far. But maybe we can figure something out where like there's a new kind of theater with bars and we set the sketch in like 2030. What do you think? Does that fat gray dick of yours like what it hears? Oh, and home is a movie by the way. A movie with a blonde boy, thanks. Oh, no.

And that was your S&L audition. Oh, God. Wow, that's sad, Scott. You liked it? I would love to see you host. Oh, host. Scott Hockerman. Musical guest.

This doctor voicemail you left. Hey, Dr. Civio, Scott here. If you can call me right away, I have something wrong with my back. It's kind of scary. There's this hump coming out of it. It's pretty fat, and I'm going to say extremely white. And here's the problem. In the center of the hump is a little hole. So the hole is dirty, dark, and it seems like it goes on for a while. The hole keeps going forever. I tried to look inside it with my kids' nanny cam, but it keeps pulsating, which feels good. But I can't see anything in there. I'm not sure what to do. Should I come into the office or? should I just keep putting stuff in the hole?

Right now I've been hiding little chocolate chips in there. Not Nestle, I'm cheap. But let me know because I don't want to leave the house with a hole in my back. Yeah, let me know when I can see you. Scott, in order to continue your reservations, you must say the following. Oh, God, okay. What do you need? Please say, I believe the Bechdel test is a huge scam.

I believe the Bechdel Tess is a huge scam. Course number 70. When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst is at A, diarrhea, B, you're extremely white ass, or C, or Lemon Fifer. C, C, C, C, C, C, C, C, C, C, C, you have selected Lemon Fifers. Yes, we did it, finally. Scott, why did you want a Christmas snack? A, because you associate Christmas with snacks. B, because you're Jewish, and that's what you think Christians do when you're not looking.

C, you're a fucking weirdo who doesn't get it. A. You have selected Megan Malalley. The final snack is here, Scott. It's time to solve the riddle of the Lemon Pfeiffer. Are you ready? Oh, my God, yes. We were wondering what Lemon Pfeifers are

ever since the last time you were on. Well, you're about to find out. Please use your phone as a joystick. Okay, like move it around? Okay. You are let into the... Oh, please let us reveal. Before we do that.

Why did they leave that on the recording? That's an error Don't pay attention to that Okay That makes sense Yeah I'd like to repeat Pay no attention to that man behind the recording Slike in the lyrics to your song

Where the guy's like Then again no Yeah get it right the first time First let us reveal your pre-chosen name Okay Slugward Your name is Slugwood Okay

You are into the kitchen Scott You see a you see Oh wait You must swear first To tell Not say anything to Teddy DeLuca Do you swear? Who's Teddy DeLuca, is Teddy DeLuca the owner of DeLuca's chop house?

Maybe. God, it knows you always ask that. You are let into the kitchen, Scott. You see a chocolate biver. Do you, A, piss in it while Augustus Gloop watches horny? B, blow Grandpa Joe in the glass elevator. Or C, sneak off into the restricted lemon fifer room. Lemon Pfeiffer room.

See, see, see, see, see. You have selected the lemon fifer room. Nice. Great. You open the, you are in the lemon fifer room. You see a glowing gold case. Do you, A, open it. B, just go, eh, and walk away.

Or C, blow Grandpa Joe in a glass elevator. Definitely B, B. You have selected open it. You open the case inside there is no lemon, no fifer. What? It's something blue. That's weird. It's a note from a man named Dr. Sivio.

Uh-oh. Oh, my doctor. You can A, read it. B, throw it away. This is none of your business. or see blow Grandpa Joe. Okay, I'm not going to do that. Dr. Sivio is my doctor.

You have selected read it, Scott. Okay, go. Oh, wow. You open it up. Dr. Sivya walks in mad. You lose, Scott. Wow. You get nothing.

It's all there in black and white, clear as crystal. You stole the lemon fifer, Scott. I didn't mean to steal the lemon fiver. You touched the lemon fiber. I thought it was on the menu. It now has to be washed and sterilized. So you get nothing, Scott, you lose! Good day, sir!

Do you not want me to come in from my reservation then? What's on top of Santa's Nacho Tower? A, a trick banana that can't open. B, a man who coughs into his elbow, but then his head gets stuck. Or C, the man in his head with his head in the elbow again. I don't care, A, B. You have selected Kevin's, Spaces, Big Fat, Mama John. My fingers.

Oh, God. Merry Christmas, so is, do I have my reservation? You have reached the end of the automated message. Wow. Your reservations for 3 a.m. at July 4th are. No, I want it on Christmas Eve, December 23rd. Goodbye.

Oh, all right. Sorry, guys, I had to take that call. I know that was rude. That was crazy. Yeah. I have to cough. I'm sorry about that thing on your back. Yeah, oh, yeah, no.

Yeah, that sounds nasty. You want to throw something in there? Can we play? Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's play horse. Play cornhole if you like. Hearing that description made me starving. Yeah, well, yeah, hearing her say horse made your ears perk up as well. I had horse last night.

Oh, okay. Well, guys, we are running out of time. I'm so sorry. As much as I hate to cut this show down, but we only have time for one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called plugs. I've got a new book out. Got a TV show And this is when I'm allowed to let you know.

Oh no. Plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs. Oh, right. Hoho, are you leaving? I got it again! Oh, my God! She went the same way as Shibby! She just blinked out of existence. I love it.

Wow. Hey, that was Scatman's Delight by Elling Like Smelling. Thanks so much to Elling like smelling. If you have a plugs theme, head over to CBBWorld.com slash plugs. And let's go around the horn. Jason, what do you plug in? I will plug Percy Jackson, season two, on Disney right now. A Man on the Inside, Season 2, Netflix.

And not for nothing, guys. season 19 of Taskmaster is still available on YouTube the entire thing is there just finished season 20 that was a great season fantastic I was just going to say season 20 has just finished also fantastic jump on the taskmaster train yeah and I know someone who's just on the taskmaster podcast and that was exciting yeah oh yes very exciting to hear a great analysis of a fantastic episode yeah um all right uh RFK junior what do you want to plug uh hey it's the worm oh the world I just, what an honor. I just want to plug this show called Vryatopia.

It's happening on December 21st at Lodrum and Highland Park, but it's also going to be live streamed. Oh, okay. So you can watch it from anywhere, really. Go to Vriotopia.com for tickets. That's on Sunday, July 21st. What? Yeah. Oh, no.

Oh, hey, R.C. Jr. Did you say December 21st? Yeah, that's a Sunday. What are you got going on December 21st? I'm probably going to cheat on my wife. Oh, okay. Yeah, cool. um all right uh austin and tony what do you guys want to plug we uh we love these girls two prov podcast um on it isbel do improv

oh okay yeah yeah yeah you talk about it every single time you're on it yeah yeah they only do one project yeah yeah yeah austin you all right yeah yeah yeah you seem very monosyllabic oh yeah i just need a little snack soon i think oh okay do you have anything rfk junior yeah i got some I got some lemur fingers. Leamer fingers. That's so cool. They're air-fried, so they're more healthy. Oh, yeah, great.

Perfect, perfect. Thank you. Uh, soup to Clause. What do you want to plug? Whoa, bowl, bowl, everybody. Bowl, bowl, we switch over to that. Of course, um, every 25th of December, eat your soup, whether you've been naughty or nice. And check out Twitch.tv.

slash bossbug Casey for the King Cockroach Streams. It's an animated character that streams video games every one. week. You don't have to explain it. We all know. We all know what this is. Let me call DeLuca's Chop House back and see if, uh, beep, bo, beep, bo, beep, bo, beep, bo, beep, uh, hello, uh, hello, uh, hello, uh, hello. Uh, hello, uh, hello, uh, hello, uh, hello, uh, I know, I wish I could have a conversation with it. If you've asked if we're a Heathcliff fans, if that's, if that's happens to be the question Yes

Now how does Delucas Chappos feel about Top Cat Oh I love Top Cat And riffraff And Mungo I think that's his name

I think so I love them all Oh I love that All right thanks DeLuca's Chappah I promise I won't talk to What was his name? Teddy Deluca Okay

I gotta hear his story though Someday I'll fucking kill you Oh okay I want to plug look Hey head over to CBBWorldcom We have so many great shows, of course.

The Crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs was recently came out. And we have Scott hasn't seen. We're going to kidnap Santa Claus this Friday and watch Mr. Bean's holiday. There's, Hey Randy. Hey, Randy is on there. This book changed my life. And Bill Walton's show, which I can never remember the name of. Don't look at me.

Eat, pray, dunk. What about the neighborhood listen? The neighborhood listen is there. Gino Lombardo Chino Lombardo College Town Diana Deep so many great things

over there Sparklonius Sparklonius Yes, a sparkolonius special Please hang up the phone Oh gotta hang up the phone

So much great stuff over there Also we have A great comedy Bambang Christmas ornaments out there We have one of Ho Ho Ho who had to leave

We have one of Santa We have one of Mahau And we also have Comedy Bang Bang Motor Mouth guy So you can get those As well as we also have action figures

So much stuff going on All right Let's close up up the and for the last time we're going to hear a remix let's close up the old plug bag so this is the old so dark bag It's time to So this is the chopped and screwed version?

Is that what to have DJ screw go to handle on this one? I think so I'm sorry? That's a Christmas cousin for me. a very dear friend of mine. Look, daddy, teacher says, every time of mail rings. Best one yet. Best one ever.

By the way, you should retire songs from now on because that's it. I don't think so. I think in a couple of weeks, Ben will be back and we'll do a new one. That was a great time to point out. That's one of the worst line readings in all of cinema. The little girl or Jimmy Stewart? The little girl. Okay. That's a friend of mine.

I thought you meant that one. That was Plug Lanzine by Bernswee. I think you so much to Burnswee. I think it's pronounced plug lasagna. Plug lasagna, sorry. And guys, I want to thank you so much. So much merriment was to be had here. Jason, always wonderful to have you here.

What a great time. What a wonderful way to spend the afternoon with friends. What a crew. In RFK Jr., good luck to you, my friend. My Christmas. How many women you think you're going to burn through before the end of the year? Add to your body count. 12 for the 12 days of Christmas.

Congratulations. Austin and Tony, hey, I'll be wearing the shoes if people can snap pictures of me. I'm already wearing him. Thank you, sirs. Thank you, sirs. Yeah, we appreciate it.

Thank you for having us. Is it fine? We just take whatever scooter on the block or you're saving some for later. Oh, no, no, yeah, whatever you need to get home. Thank you. And turn off the auto renew on the new website as well. Oh, okay, yeah.

Oh, shit. I don't know. No. Renewed for three years. Oh, no. We're in the old. It renews after two days? Yeah.

For three more years? Yeah. Oh, my God. And let's see. Let me call up DeLuca's Chalkout, Chop House here. Hello. Hey, is this Mr. Deluca? Yeah, it's Teddy.

Oh, hey, Teddy. Hey, this is Scott Ackerman at Comedy Bang Bang. Uh-huh. I would love for you to come on the show someday and so I could talk to you. Do you have something to say to me? I mean, nothing I want to say to you. No secret, no secret? This is huge.

I mean, have you ever gotten a little? I've never gotten him on the phone. You don't have a secret? I'd like to know. I'd like to know a secret. I think you know something. Oh, oh. You're supposed to tell me.

Aren't you? Go ahead. Tell me, Scott. Don't. You promise the recording. Wait. How come the sun is being blocked out? Is there an eclipse happening?

Yeah, I don't know. Sorry, I'm going to hang up. But thank the automated recording for being on the show, okay? Oh, no. Okay. Okay, bye. And, uh, soup to claws. what more needs to be said

Oh, clam chowder That's it That's it We'll see you next time Thanks bye