Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - A Banana Peel Memory (Myq Kaplan, Paul Rust, James Mannion)

Episode Date: November 24, 2025

Comedian Myq Kaplan joins the four-timer’s club as he tells us about violins, violas, and his new comedy special “Rini,” just released on YouTube. First-time guest and local citizen Teddy Today shares tales of dozens of amusing things that happen to him every single day! And Hube Wheeler, Esq. offers some practical legal advice on how to talk to a police officer. Comedy Bang! Bang! best of voting is now open! Go to https://cbbworld.com/vote and pick your ten favorites of the year! Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I'ma-bondy bang, bang, comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang. I'm bringing sexy back, back, I found it cheaper somewhere else, and I'm returning it for store credit. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Steve, S-C-H-T-E-E for that catchphrase. Submission submitted January 7, 2023, just getting around to it. Now, were people still saying sexy back back back in 2023? I don't know. They're bringing sexy back back. Okay, that's right.

Yeah, got a laugh out of us. Great job, Steve. Hope you're still alive and a listener. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. We have a great show coming up a little later. we have a local citizen. We also have an attorney. Not sure if the attorney is local,

but the citizen definitely is, at least local to whatever his locality is. But before we get to them, let's get to our guest of honor, and we are honored to have him. I haven't checked to exactly what, exactly what timers club he's in. I'm going to do that while I'm speaking,

but he is a stand-up comedian of note. Are you an actor as well? I have acted. What have you acted in? Buy me a little. time while I look up your appearances. I'll tell you. Well, I did take acting classes this year for the first time at the Barrow Group. It counts. New York City. It counts. He's an actor. You may know him from the Barrowville classes. Barrow Group. Barrowville, why not? They're branching out. They're doing

well. They went from acting classes to buying a town. Yeah. It's like the UCB. They're everywhere. But I'll tell you, I was in at least one movie, and that movie was Henry Phillips, Punching Henry, the sequel to Punching the Clown, featuring other comedians such as Sarah Silverman, Doug Stanhope, and actor J.K. Simmons. Oh, thank God you said Simmons, because I thought it was going to be a rowling for a second. Actor, J.K. She's that notorious turf. But you, yes, we of course, friend of the show, Henry. And so when you say at least one movie, were you in another one that at most? Were you at most two, at least one? I was in a movie that, do you know, storyteller comedian Dylan Brody wrote and created as well.

And the name of the movie that I was in is escaping me. Oh, that's the sign of a classic. I'll give you time to say some other stuff. Okay, let me vamp while. But he is a stand-up comedian. He is, of course, joining the exclusive four-timers club here on Comedy Banking. And by the way, a four-timers club that spans a full 14 years. Wow.

Your first episode was in 2011. My goodness. You did not return for another nine years. What happened? You came back in 2020, a wonderful year that we were maybe like just scrounging and searching for guests that would agree to be on the show. Then you were back in 2023. Of course, now you're back in 2025. And I am here to let you know that the most.

movie that Dylan Brody created is called You Are Here. So, wow, we all remember it. We all love it. Yes. You are here. He is in at least one movie at most two. Yes. He is a stand-up comedian. His new special entitled Rini is out now on YouTube. Please welcome back to the show and into the four-timers club. Mike Kaplan. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for having me. You're clapping for yourself. I love it here. Yes, by the rule. of this game. I was clapping for myself. And I wanted to let you know, I wonder if I've said this every time or never. But the theme song that you have is a comedy bang banger. It's so good. A banger, banger, even. It's, I love Reggie Watts. And it's so, what a delight. I believe that was improvised on the 100 second episode of this show. That's insanity. And it was his third attempt. He did three different improvised songs. And we said we were going to put. the polls out for people to vote on which one was the best. And the minute he did that one, I was like, okay, this one's good. Even if they don't vote for it, this one's going to

quote unquote win. Just an incredible classic that, of course, Reggie Watts, a very talented guy, and he comes every week to perform it live, which we really appreciate. By the way, thanks so much, Reg. We'll see you later. Slam. I do some folly work as well. I did

the clapping earlier. Not only am I an actor. I did also act in one episode of the TV show comedy bang bang that's right yes what were you remind me again what were you i believe i was some sort of like janitor i know that i bounced away like a kangaroo that's right that's what i did and when i look at you i think janitor yeah always casting against type absolutely that foley also did some folly work several seasons of news reading any anything that he does he's always making sounds just like a dave foley comma artist yeah um but of course we don't need to talk about him

because Mike Kaplan is right here in front of us. And what a career. Stand-up comedy. You've graced the stages all across America, if not the world. You've been... Indeed, the world. Yeah, you've been in the world before on Earth, right? You're a stand-up comedian from Earth.

Yeah, I am from Earth. As far as I know, I don't remember being born. It's a good point. Yeah. Wouldn't it be weird? Because none of us remember up until what's your earliest memory. Like, five. Two.

I have, like, one, at two. But then... What's your one at two? I was eating a banana, and I bit. the peel and it didn't feel good and I cried. Uh, that's my earliest memory is crying about biting a, uh, I mean, look, I think it was pretty prescient, you know, a career in comedy started with a banana peel. A banana peel memory. What, you, oh, you don't cry when you bite into a banana peel, Scott. You just feels good to you. You laugh. But what if we, none of us

remember before very early on, what if we all came from aliens and we're just, transported here. There's no way to prove that that's not true. That's right. I mean, we're just asking questions here on Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, but yeah, I definitely, I am, as far as I know, from the planet Earth, the country of the United States, but I have performed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Milky Way, the Milky Way, the Galaxy, the soul system, our solar

system. Of course. Yeah, the Milky Way Galaxy. You're not Venusian. No, I am not Venusian. Man, that's a toxic place, you know, you don't want to live there because you can't. you'll stop living. The hottest planet, from what I'm told, although I would think it would be Mercury.

You'd think. But I read, I was reading a children's book the other day. Oh. For business. And I think it said Venus is the hottest planet, which I didn't think that would be possible. Pretty weird. I was confused by the whole thing and maybe I'm even getting some of the facts wrong, but who knows? I'm going to look it up, though, why are you talking?

Buy me some time. You got it. Oh, I love buying time. Because time is money, and then you buy time. Okay, what is the hottest pepper? in the world? No, planet. I thought I'd have more time.

Oh, I got more time. He's on peppers. Venus. Oh, man. Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system. I wasted it. Why wouldn't it be Mercury? Mercury because it's thick atmosphere of carbon dioxide.

Drags heat in a runaway greenhouse effect. Wow. You should be a scientist with that voice. And with this information. This is, of course, with Google AI. That is the AI overview. So we have no idea whether to trust it. Oh, no.

Because as we found out with Gabe, Liebman just a few weeks ago, the Google AI said that he was a valued person who is constantly on this show and he had never appeared. But anyway, I have been to Australia and the UK and Canada. Those are the other places outside of this country that I performed. UK, Canada. Yes. What parts of the UK?

I performed in London. Okay. And I've performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Fest twice in Scotland. Okay, wonderful. So never anywhere else. No Ireland, no France. No Ireland, but other parts of England. But, yeah, no other.

That doesn't count as Ireland. No, that's not. Yeah, other parts of England are not Ireland. I agree with that. Do you want to look it up? I'll buy you some time. Oh, I don't know whether I want to look up something like the England-Ireland conflicts. I think I'm going to get a lot of stuff.

Here is a question that I don't know the answer to, and I've asked people from the UK and gotten different answers. So, as we probably know, the United Kingdom is, made up of things including part like there's a part of ireland like is northern ireland oh is that part of the uk i think northern ireland maybe i'll buy you some time i don't know okay all right keep talking definitely england scotland and wales those are absolutely parts of the u.k but we think of yes northern ireland this is according to google a ii do no i do ireland is a separate thing but northern ireland is part of the uk but what is the country is the united kingdom a country? And if so, what are England, Scotland, Wales, and the Northern Ireland part of it?

Meaning is the United States is a country, but it's a bunch of states that are, have been together. Exactly. But a lot of people would say, England, that's a country. Then what's the United Kingdom? I think Yakov Smyrnav would say England, what a country. Yeah. And in England. Again, you know, last time you're on the show two years ago, I think we talked about your laugh and is it genuine. It is. And I cannot tell. Last time for sure, I also did have like a little tickle in my throat. So I was, it sounded even faker. It sounded performative. It sounded performative. But it sounds even faker now. I feel like you've gone the other way where it was on the edge before and maybe the tickle was adding some humanity to it. That could be. Well, I'll do my best to. I don't mean to get it. You know, that's the worst. I think we talked about this two years ago. It's the worst thing to comment on someone's laugh because laughter is just a genuine expression of joy. And for you to be in your head about it is bad. But at the same time, it sounds fake. And I want to pull back all the layers

and get to the root of Mike Kaplan here. You do the hard hitting. Like now that WTF is gone. Now that it's gone. Although, you know what? I have an announcement. What? This show is being known as WTF from now on.

Reggie what? You need to come back and do a new theme song. WTF, WTF, WTF, a WTF, a WTF. The brand is just lying fallow at this point. Do you know, I really like the way that the rhythm, the syllables really matched up. I call sometimes syllable twins, you know, a comedy bang bang a w t f it fits i call it syllable eskimo brothers oh no that's not okay

no longer um but you you've done stand-up comedy all throughout the world yes on some of the greatest stages what's the biggest stage you've ever performed on uh i performed at an amphitheater out here that sat like six thousand people once which amphitheater was that it was in like the uh studio city area i don't know i don't remember it was many years ago i was opening for uh a big comedian who I wasn't responsible for filling those 6,000 seats. I've opened for people. I opened for Patton Oswald at Carnegie Hall once. Wow, was that a huge thrill.

It was a huge thrill. Returning to the place that I performed for the first time when I was 10 on the violin with a bunch of other children who just got to do that because we were in some program. So you played or play the violin? I did play, and I do, I'm like the Mitch, here, Mitch Hedberg. is to drugs as I am to the violin. I think to the guitar, I think is what you meant. Oh, no, I play, I both, I play the, I play the, I used to play the violin.

I still do. Oh, okay. And I also play the guitar. Oh, okay. Classic Mitch Hedberg. So do you, you play for fun these days? I do. I play for a lot of fun.

I actually, here's a thing, I have in my possession, not right now, you can't see it now, but in my home of viola. And the viola was a gift of my girlfriend's aunt. And she's like, hey, we have this viola. Can you, like, sell it or find something? Because we live in New York. It sounds like she wanted you to sell it. And suddenly you're calling it a gift and you're keeping it at your own.

I'm holding on to it for now. But, yeah, I made it a gift. And it was a gift that I get to get a commission on selling it. Okay. But for the while, because the violin and viola are similar, I have been. So many of the same letters. Would you agree with that, Mike? Almost all of them.

Absolutely. I know letters. If only there wasn't a comedian already named Letterman, I would have taken that. That's right. But I'm like the, he doesn't, he doesn't even do anything with letters, really. No, he does stupid pet tricks. Bases, motherfucker. He's so dumb. Anyway, thanks for having me on your show. Yeah, I did. It was very great. I'm grateful that I got to do that. But the point is, and it's even better now because he now, like, interviews people like Obama and Malala. And now I say, I was on Letterman and they're like, wow, you must be like Obama and Malala, the only other two

people that were on his show that I know. But the point is, I've been recording music. I'm like the Reggie Watts of the viola now. I'm making some viola music. I can send you some if you I, you know, I would say that I would love to hear it, but I'm never going to listen to it. Yeah. I'm going to take a pass on it. You're working through a lot of movies, but I got, yeah, I got a lot of media here in this room that I need to get

through. I don't have time to get to my friends viola music, unfortunately. But yes, I do play viola, violin, and mainly guitar and other stringed instruments for fun. I make music for fun. What about piano? Those have strings? People don't realize that a lot of times because they look at a piano and they go

like, wow, look at that box. You can't see the strings. Yeah. And the strings are underneath that top. You got to lift up that top. You got to lift that top if you want to see those strings. Pianos. You got to lift that top.

Are you, has big piano hired you to do a campaign? Pianos. Lift the top. Lift the top, guys. But yes, I can play a little piano as well. My mother has a piano. Not a grand piano? I think hers is pretty grand.

Just a little piano? No, hers is a red. It's pretty grand. It's larger, it's not just upright, it's grander than that. What about a piano that's just sitting on the ground? Because all pianos are up right. A ground piano, yeah, of course. You know what I mean?

Yes. Yeah, not even like Schroeder. Remember Schroeder? Yeah, of course, Schroeder. He sat very close. You're talking about like the one from the movie Big, where Tom Hanks danced on top of it, on the ground. Yes, just on the ground. Yeah.

But the thing is, you never saw the strings in Big. No. And the strings were underneath F.A.O. Schwartz. You got to lift that bottom. Yeah. You got to lift up the whole. Foundation. Yeah, the whole floor of the place and, you know, to take up the wood and all that kind of stuff, and the tile.

Yeah, actually, F.A.O. Schwartz is short for floor. Uh-oh, shorts. They spelled uh-oh wrong. That's why they spelled it. A. Oh, oh. Yeah. Well, this is all good stuff. You've performed everywhere. What's the biggest dream like television show you ever did stand-up comedy on? Oh, I would say, I mean, Conan, the Tonight Show with Conan was the tonight show with Conan. Was the very first one. Yeah, I was. Taked over there. universal city absolutely i think there was one that's where i think that's where the amphitheater was as well that's the one yes that's the one yeah i don't know my amphitheaters yeah that's the one that's where steve martin yeah i don't want to say who it was but it wasn't steve martin brothers yeah i wasn't opening for any of them but uh the point is yeah i uh that was a a dream it was uh december 2009 i think i turns out i was one of only 16ish comedians to get to be on the tonight show

with conan that's right because he only did it for like 90 days or something like that it It started June, June to January, I think. It was something like that. It was about six, seven months. We did a Between Two Ferns episode with him and Andy while he was doing it. And by the time it came out, I think they weren't doing it. Wow. Yeah.

They're like, watch it. It's gone. But, yeah, then I got to do the TBS show a number of times. Conan, such a, you know, he's a kind man, a gentle human being. Oh, oh, you had more descriptive. Oh, yeah. You know, Conan. He's a person, of course.

Yeah. You only know people. I mean, I'm pretty sure everyone I know is a person. I think that's right. I don't know. I don't know. There's a lot of AI these days. That's true.

So you never did Letterman. No, I did. I did do Letterman. Oh, really? Yeah, I got to do Letterman three times. And that was actually a longer journey. Like, the Conan thing kind of came about very quickly in, in, I started to, start a comedy in 2002. I think I met the Booker of Letterman in 2004.

And he was like, just, I'm a comedian. I'm open. I want to send everybody. you know, if you send me a tape, I'll get back to you and let you know. And so I sent him a tape in 2004 and he got back to me and seven years later, there I was on the show. But in the meantime, I, the Conan Tonight Show people reached out in 2009 and we're like, do you want to do this? And I was like, yeah, that's way easier than sending two tapes every year.

And I try it. Two tapes a year. Yeah, I think I sent two tapes a year probably. And were they actually actual tapes back then? In the beginning, in the beginning they were VHS tapes. Wow. VHS tapes of you doing stand-up. That's right.

Incredible. Yeah. Well, what a long and storied career. And for it to end up here with you doing a special called Rini on YouTube that came out last week? Yes. I mean, what a long, strange trip it's been. And it's still long and strange and tripping. I don't, unless you're not murdering me today.

I don't, I mean. We don't know. We don't know. You have been on the show three times before, which leads you to believe I'm not going to this time either. That's right. You didn't murder me any of those times. 75% of the time I did not murder you. So far.

So good. Yeah, happy to be back. This is truly, I, I love this show. I love being here. Thank you. I'll stop complimenting you. It seems like you don't want me to anymore. I'm going to shut down these compliments.

You're good. The focus is on you, Mike Kaplan, because Rini is out right now. And you have to describe to me, of course, first of all, for people searching for it out there, Rini is spelled how? R-I-N-I. What is R-I-N-I? Why are you calling it this? Tell us everything. This is a great question.

Rini is the name of my girlfriend. Rini... Aw. Wow. Is she famous? Is she like Rini Kardashian or something? She is not Rini. She is Rini Voskresensky.

Ah. Yeah, so of the Rini Voskrasenskis. And she, yeah, we've been together since 2016. Okay, those are good stats. Pretty good stats. And so it's 10-year period? Absolutely. When's your 10-year anniversary?

June of 26. Yeah. Okay. What happened in June of 20? 2016 that all the stars aligned and you guys came together. Absolutely. The stars aligned at the, at the time, the knitting factory in Brooklyn, New York. Wonderful venue.

Wonderful. And they actually have the stages. It's not people knitting. It's actual like. They do comedy and music and such. Interesting piece of trivia. If you come expecting people to be knitting, you'll leave disappointed. And you will leave.

Yeah. You can stay there disappointed if you want, but very few do. And the show that was happening that day, do you remember there was a show called Stick or Treat? I do not, nor should I remember that. And it still happens to this day, actually, around this broad time of year, the fall. I'll say the fall. It's the fall now. It is a Halloween comedy show whereupon it's they do it in New York, they do it in L.A.

Comedians dress up as other usually more famous comedians, recognizable comedians. Would be weird to do less famous. Yeah, absolutely. This one is Will McNeil, a guy who I started out with in Boston who doesn't do comedy anymore. Hey, Will, you're a nice man. I hope you're doing great. We haven't talked in decades, I think. But we hope you're out there. We hope you're listening. Yeah, I hope you're alive and a listening. And so I was dressed as Mitch Hedberg and I wrote jokes in the style of Mitch Hedberg, one of my first favorite comedians. And then I performed those. And then afterwards, in the bar area of the, of that venue. I saw a beautiful lady sitting next to a lady who I knew was... Call her beautiful, too. Yeah, she's also beautiful. Okay. And, but the, the, the, the, Rini is, look, more beautiful on the... Well, I think all women are equally beautiful. Okay, that, yes, I must, I think it's the important thing to do to agree with that. And so, they're equally beautiful. And, uh, but I was like, I know that one. Maybe,

other than, I got to interject, other than maybe, like, an El-McPherson type or, like, or a J.K. Rowling, right? Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah, they're like tens, like 20s. Oh, I thought you wouldn't have, anyway, it's not important, but yeah. You know, like a Kaya Gerber, of course, daughter of Cindy Crawford. Both of them are just like absolute like 20s or 30s. Kaya Gerber, related to the Gerber baby food situation? I believe so.

Okay, great. I like to think so. Yeah, a baby could eat that person. Yep. I'd like to, I'd love to see it. Yeah, I mean, who wouldn't? Let's, she's right here. Okay.

Yeah. In any case, also like a Sophia Vergara. Oh, sure. But Rini's one of them. Rini is a Sophia Vergara. No, but I think that she's probably equally as beautiful as all women other than the real just like. No, no, no, Rini is as beautiful as all. Okay, I know you got to say that.

No, no, no. I'm talking like supermodel, just like Cowork, Victoria's Secret. I stand by it. I thought it even before I knew her. But I went over and my friend introduced me and we talked for hours and I learned that I had met her twice before but forgot. And but she was on dates probably. She came to shows, she was, she came to shows on dates? Yeah, she had come to shows on dates in the past, but this time she was not there with a date,

and then we talked for hours, and then we loved each other for years. And still, I used to love her, and I still do. Wow, so why name a special after her, because she used to go to stand-up comedy on dates? No, that's not the reason, Scott, but a great question and a good lead-in for the real answer. She, over the course of the many years we've been together, she came with me to the Edinburgh Fringe Fest in 2018, the first time I went. She watched my show pretty much every night that I was there and offered helpful feedback and had ideas, has her own artistic, creative sensibilities that, you know, mesh with mine. And it's nice to have somebody who knows you well from the outside. And that can

also offer, you know, a perspective that you don't have from the inside. And so we started, you know, in a, I guess a way that is perhaps Jim Gaffigan, Jeannie Gaffigan-esque, you know, sometimes she has ideas that she doesn't perform because she's not a comedian and she'll offer them to me and I'll include them in the show. Jeannie Gaffigan does? Yeah, Jeannie Gap, yeah, I'm sorry.

Jeannie and Rini, they're so similar. I get them confused, but I know it's somebody's wife-ish person and a wifeish person. And so Rini, yes, we have collaborated on this particular hour more than any other because it is about our relationship.

Oh, okay. So you're letting people in on the real juice goose. Yeah, seeing how the old vegan sausage gets maids. Uh-huh. If you know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, the vegan sausage is my penis and the way that it gets... And she makes it. Yeah, I mean, yes, she makes... She assembles it, yes. Rini assembles it, yes. Rini assembles my penis. And, you know, I'm really sorry for all those improv classes I took where I made it so I could not disagree with anything that was just said. I wish it didn't happen, but it's pretty fun. Anyway. But now you're taking classes. Of course, the Brooke...

What is it? The Barrow Group. The Barrow Group. In the larger Barrowville, emperor, of course. Empire, there we are. And so this is a stand-up special that you, where did you film it? Filmed at. Look, I got to admit, Mike, there's not a lot I can ask you about a special.

Why'd you call it this? Where'd you film it? Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? That's about all I can. So, you know, really make this answer count. You know? So because the content of the special is about our relationship.

And so one name that we had in mind for it before, was we were going to call it before we get started because our relationship, we are not married, but we have been together for more than nine years. And so many people will ask us, when will you get married? As if that is the official beginning of a life together. As if that's some sort of inevitability that, oh, no, of course. And we do plan to be together forever. We don't plan to die, but we. Yes. No one plans on dying.

No, no, absolutely. They're surprised when they come. to the show though at the end of it sometimes they do sometimes one out of four times a murder you know and so we we love each other we're gonna be together for as forever as possible and uh so the idea that it's before we got like that we haven't even gotten started yet so we were gonna call it before we get started but then another a documentary by ryan reese about warm up comedy came out uh this past year that is also called before before we get started a great name for that as well yeah so i was like okay we'll call it reeney nobody's nobody's calling a special did you did you like surprise her

this news like did you get down on one knee and say i'm calling the special rene and she thought it was a marriage proposal you know uh well you got to watch the special and find out how on topic that question oh man okay i'm gonna first i'm gonna listen to your viola music yes then i'm gonna watch a special yes i'll send them both to you okay a 30 second viola track and a one hour special and they better be equally as good i think they're both great but it was filmed at the Actors Temple Theater in New York City, which I hadn't heard of. Well, I do think that acting and art in general is a church. Absolutely.

And can act as a salve for us in these terrible, terrible times. This one's more of a synagogue because it is literally a synagogue. Okay, I don't think that. It does. It's a functioning synagogue and a functioning theater, which is perfect for a performance that is a show about the concept of, you know, romantic togetherness in a forever marriage-ish kind of way. Ceremonial rights, that kind of stuff. Was there, were there any props there of stuff that they used during the church part of it that you incorporated into your act, you know, like the Torah there? I mean, here's a, I went on another podcast and somebody had watched the special in advance. Well, so sorry, I couldn't. You never sent it to me. That's true. I did not. You didn't ask for it because you got all these movies to get through. Just sitting around complaining about me, not watching your special. Send it to me next time. I will do that. In 14 years, when the next one comes in, out. I'll get it to you. I'll get you all the stuff. But there is a stained glass, you know,

behind the state at the back of the stage. Oh, cool. And yeah, it looks really cool. And there's like some names in the stained glass, like, of people associated, I guess, with the donors, perhaps, or something like there was one who was a canter. And I went on this, uh, Mike Pesca's podcast. The, uh, I think it's called Funny You Should Ask, a subcategory of the gist. And, uh, he said to me, apropos of nothing. He said, what do you think about? canter and gave a last name. And I was like, I don't know who that canter is. And he's like, well, it says it, says his name behind you in the special.

So the answer is no. I did not use the space. In fact, didn't even take much notice of it. I was looking forward, you know. So anyone looking. Honestly, if you're a stand-of comedian out there and you're about to tape a special, look towards the audience and the camera. So I did, I had that impulse.

And I did that. We did bring, we have a friend, Rini and I, who died last year. and she had this really nice thing that we used as a stool. So it's like a really, it's kind of like looks natural and kind of fit right in with like the hard, like the wood. What are you talking about right now? It's just a nice stool. We had the point that you asked me. I hate to interject here because it started off with a friend of yours dying.

But what do you talk? You're talking about you used a stool. A friend of mine died and she had a stool. And that is the only prop that was on stage. Got it. You asked the question about props. and I want to receive some props for eventually getting to the answer.

Congratulations. Thank you very much. This special sounds dynamite. It's got a stained glass window in it. Yes. Kind of a stool or something. Yeah. That used to belong to someone

who's no longer with us. Yes. So it sounds like a dynamite special. Rini is out now on YouTube. We have to take a break, Mike, if that's all right. Can you stick around? I accept and would love to. When we come back, we have a local citizen.

We also have an attorney. This is a jam-packed show. Yes. This is an incredible lineup. We're going to come right back We're going to have more Mike Kaplan. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

Comedy Bang, bang, bang, we're back. Mike Kaplan is here. The special is called R-I-N-I. That's spelled R-I-N-I. Perfect. And YouTube is spelled Y-O-U-T-U-B-E. That was close in the end. Just got it.

And about 60 minutes or so? About. I think it might be... That's my other question that I can ask about standard specials. Yeah, it is absolutely, it is a little bit over an hour. I think it's maybe between an hour... Working hard for your money. An hour five.

Yeah, it's free and you get more of it. Wow. So anyone can just watch this. That's right. You don't have to fill out any forms. No. You don't have to like show your ID so like, you know, non-citizens can watch it. Absolutely.

Anywhere that YouTube is. But you're not going to be tipped off to any of the authorities, like, if you're not a citizen and you watch this? That's right. We are not collecting names. This isn't like a snitch kind of situation where you're snitching out people who watch this YouTube special of yours and reporting them to ice or anything like that. I don't see how it could be, but I will say definitively, no. This is. Just want to make that clear, just in case it, you know, because that's not your kind of thing.

No, immigrant friendly. I want everyone to live where they're. want to live comfortably, happily, productively, safely, and watch the special from there. Why would anyone give a shit about where anyone lives or where anyone comes from or anything like that? It's pretty weird. I mean, none of us, as far as we know, even come from this planet.

No one knows. We're all aliens. We said it. Well, let's get to our next guest. Heed is not an alien. As far as I know, he's a local citizen. We'll find out exactly where from. Local to Earth.

Please welcome to the show for the first time, Teddy today. Hi, Scott. Hi. How's it going? It's going really well. So nice to meet you. This is Mike Kaplan over here. Nice to meet you, Scott.

Thank you for having me on the show. Yeah, it's so great to have you. Now, I'm reading here, you're a local citizen. Is that local to Los Angeles? Yes. Okay, so you're born and raised? Yeah, just stones throw away from here. Oh, okay.

So like what kind of stone? Like a big heavy boulder? Because that would be like maybe next door. No, the tiniest of pebbles, Scott. The tiniest of pebbles. Well, sometimes you can't throw those very far because, you know, they're not heavy enough to throw. That's true. And if a gust of wind picks up, that pebble might come right back into your mouth.

That's good points. Or it could go, if the wind is going with you, then it could get you even farther. That's true. That's true. Somebody else's mouth. But like a good size, like baseball size stone. A baseball size stone. I could probably throw that. How far do you think you could throw a stone, Mike? Many yards. Yeah. Like maybe a football field length for me. I think. I guess. And not just baseball size, but also baseball colored and baseball stitched. With the stitching, and hopefully with Willie May's signature on it. Oh, please.

But I think I could throw, I honestly, because every, like, look, I used to play football. I used to play college football. Congratulations. And you look like it. And I was like, you know what, why? I was a quarterback. I was QB1. I was like, why bother throwing it if it's not going to be deep in the end zone every single time?

So that's what I would do. And you know what? Touchdown every time. Wow. Can I tell you a thing about baseball real quick? One time I did a show, I think in Milwaukee, and a guy. guy came up to me after and asked for my autograph on a baseball. And I was like, why do you want, he's like, do you get everyone to sign?

He's like, you're the second person that I've asked to sign a baseball. The first was Cedric the entertainer. Oh, no, sorry, Bernie Mac. It was Bernie Mac. Sorry, Cedric the janitor. Yeah. I think it was Bernie Mac if Bernie Mac was in a baseball movie. Oh, I think he was.

Yeah, I can picture it. 300. Yes. He was only in one, I think. Yeah. Oh, Mr. 300? Yes. Oh, oh, okay.

I thought you meant he was in 300 baseball movies. Wow. I don't think he did three, I don't think he did 3,000 movies. Maybe it was Mr. 3,000. Well, as you may know from knowing that I've been in one to two movies, which I've already named, I was, I have not been any baseball movies. I've been in no baseball movies. That sounds like what an incredible baseball to have of like some of the world's greatest comedians. Bernie Mac, you?

That and just those, and I ask why, I think it's a separate baseball as well. And I said, why do you want me to separate one? to sign a baseball, and he said, because it's easier to display. I like that. Yes. Have you noticed there's not a lot of dramatic actors in baseball movies? You know why? There's no crying in baseball movies.

Teddy. Teddy. Teddy today. Fuck, that's good. Teddy today. Yeah, that is your name. Teddy today, yeah. So, Teddy, you're a local citizen.

What are you here to talk about? Well, my last name, today. Okay. Given name? No, it's a nickname because I've lived a long life and every single day, Scott, I have about a dozen amusing things happen to me each day. Every single day? Yeah. I mean, I guess we all do, but, you know, unless you're a stand-up comedian like Mike Kaplan who's able to pinpoint these experiences to say, oh, I bet I know how to turn this into comedy gold, the average Joe Q public probably doesn't know that they're really funny and unique.

but you're a guy who is able to realize that. Yeah, I don't even need a take on it. It's just amusing as it is. It's just these things happen as it. Okay. My name was Teddy Tadatta. Tadatah. Yeah, and then so many amusing things happen to me each day.

People are like, you should just be Teddy today? Okay, well, can we hear what happened to you? Oh, just today? Should we talk about today? Yeah, I mean, already, so many amusing things have happened to me today. Yeah, we're taping this at 630 a.m. So that's crazy that so many things have happened. already.

This is an early bird show The early bird gets the amusing anecdotes. Okay, well let's hear what you. Well, today I won a first place at the local limbo contest. Oh, that's incredible.

How low could you go? Very low. I won first place, but the real winner my chiropractor. And now he can finally buy that luxury sports car he's been dreaming about.

Youts, my back and my wallet. Wow. So, Teddy, that, I mean, you said you didn't even need a take on it, but... It sounded kind of take life. Yeah, it sounds like, because you just winning the limbo contest. I mean, it's interesting. It was just stating the fact the real winner was my kind of character.

Oh, I see. Okay. Given the dream sports car he was. That's the factual part. Yeah. Okay, got it. Also today, yeah, what else happened to me? At choir practice, the choir director, he complimented in my voice in front of all the choir members. That felt great.

Oh, it felt so good. I got to say, though, I was a little embarrassed. Why? Well, to get compliments in front of everybody, I blush so hard, Scott. I'm surprised people didn't take me out of the choir room and put me in the produce section with all the other red radishes. Wow. You were really surprised about that. Yeah, that's where I belonged with all the other red radishes.

So that's the factual part is that you were surprised. I was surprised. Well, I was embarrassed and then surprised that they didn't take me out of the choir. And put me in a pro-de-section where all the other red radishes. Is the church adjacent to a grocery store? No, many miles away. So this would have been quite a trek for everyone to do. But they were willing to do it.

Oh, well, but, and I was surprised they didn't. Right. Because they should have. Okay, great. Also today, Scott, a bucket fell on my head. Oh, no. And it was so dark. Whoa.

I genuinely asked, hey. Who turned out the lights? Well, no one turned out the lights, Scott. It was dark because a bucket fell on my head. Okay, okay. Wow. All right. Oh, today also I went up in a hot air balloon.

Have you ever done one of those, Scott? A hot air balloon, right? I confess I haven't. I'm a little afraid of doing... Well, it was so much fun. Oh, okay. Yeah. Sounds great.

Yeah, well, until I almost fell out of the hot air balloon. Oh, no. Oh, what happened? Well, I started backing up, and I started falling off, but my cousin was there. Okay. And he grabbed me by my suspenders and pulled me back in. And then afterward, when we came back down and I got off the hot air balloon, you think I would be freaked out, right? Yes.

Nope. Oh. I turned to my cousin. I said, can we do that again? Like, it was a ride or something. Teddy, can I tell you real quick? I actually also went up in a hot air balloon. Like first thing super early today.

So early it might have been last night. And I dropped a bucket out. Oh, did the bucket drop on your head from a different balloon? Yes. Well, a bucket just dropped in now. I know it was from the other balloon. So this was an eventful hot air balloon. You were in the blue one.

I was. I was in the yellow. Did you go up and do it again? Yeah, I said, can we do that again? And my cousin said, you should be freaked out. And I said, no, I thought it was a ride or something. And he said, okay, get back up there. And we went back up there.

And then I almost fell out again. And then he grabbed me by my belt. Oh, why were you wearing a belt and suspenders? Because my dick is so big. Wow. Okay. So you need a little extra coverage? Yes, yes.

Something to make sure the pants don't fall down so everyone sees how big it is. Also, another crazy thing happened today, Scott. Today, I tried bringing back the first. phrase let's do lunch okay is it did that go away it did for a while but the good news is i did bring it back the bad news is now my schedule's booked up with lunches for the next year rip my calendars rip my calendar well luckily there's there's only about a month left on your calendar so well then imagine all the crazy things that are going to happen on each of those days yeah there's already been one two three four five crazy things that happen to me today that's

I mean, that's insane that all of this stuff happened. And that was sixth. Oh. Today, Scott, I got into a hot tub. Okay. And the water was so hot. Let's just say, now I know how a baked potato feels. Yow!

Because that... Hot, hot, hot. Do you only get into things that start with hot? Hot air balloons, hot tub. There might be one more hot, not that you mentioned it, Scott, about a hot pepper. Well, let's skip to. that one then what do you say today i went to a uh a restaurant okay and they were touting we have the spiciest hot peppers okay and i said okay to the waiter i said show me what you got big

stuff i'll eat one of those big stuff yeah giving sort of a may west kind of voice why don't you come up and may west me sometime i said to him okay and he said may uh can can i west Is that the crazy thing? No. So he brought it out. He gave me the spiciest pepper there, and I ate it. It wasn't spicy at all, Scott. Okay.

Paid for my dinner. I drove back home, went to bed, and then in the middle of the night, I woke up and I belched a ball of fire. Yeah, that's what I call Hartford! This is today? So you've gone to bed already? The early. bird catches the amusing anecdotes more if you go to sleep during different pockets of the day. So this is probably from midnight on.

Yes. Yeah, okay. Yes, I'm mainly awake from midnight to 4 a.m. Oh, okay. So all this happens between midnight and 4 a.m.? Have you ever been out during those hours? Got a lot of crazy things can happen. So you're doing nighttime balloon rides.

Yes. And so is Mike, I guess. How are you going to get so close to that moon? That's a good point. point yes oh but maybe another crazy thing happened though today scott maybe yeah i'll let you be the judge of it i showed my collection of valuable coins to my friend is that out there's more that's the crazy i started showing the coins to my friend my friend said these aren't valuable at all these are just regular coins and i said no no no and i picked up a penny and i said this penny right here

Penny, my dad gave to me when we went to the ball game. Then I picked up a nickel. I said, this nickel, my grandma used this and the last magic trick she ever showed me. That's why these are so valuable. And my friend said, oh, they're not valuable in a monetary way, they're valuable in a sentimental way. And I said, yes.

And then my friend, he cried. Could you imagine? Did that happen to me today? For Teddy today? Why is your dad giving you pennies before you go to a ballgame? I mean, already your grandmother is using nickels. Well, you know that old expression, a penny a day keeps the Maddingly away? I guess I don't, but...

My dad was worried that Don Maddingly was going to assault me. He was going to kidnap you and assault you? Kidnap and assault me, so he gave me a penny. To fend him off? To fend him off. To fend him off. Yeah. To fend weigh him off.

that would work if the Yankees played at Fenway. Wow. I think they have. All right. Score one for Teddy today. Wow. Well, I mean, that's a lot. Surely nothing else could have happened to you today.

Two more things if you want to hear them from Teddy today. Okay. What do you got? Well, today I got on my motorcycle Scott and I hit the highway and I was driving. I got to say, I felt pretty cool. Yeah, with my black leather jacket and my dark shades. And I'm just cruising down the highway, you know, avoiding obstacles like potholes or even explosive devices. I mean, once I almost wiped out on my motorcycle because a little miniature bomb blew up right behind me.

It almost killed me, Scott. A miniature bomb. Yeah, but even if it did kill me, it'd be okay. I'd still have two more lives left. Wait a second. Oh, did I not mention this wasn't real life. I was playing a video game at the arcade, you dumbass. Oh, wow.

Okay, what game? Miniature bombs. Minature bombs. Oh, that's a good game from what I've heard. Wow. So that, I mean, that's based on Ishtar. What, Scott? You know it was death.

Box office poison. Sure, yeah. Okay. So now, Teddy, today you said one other thing happened to you today? Yes, one last thing that was amusing that happened. to Teddy today. So now we've downgraded it to just amusing. These were interesting.

These were amazing. These were humorous now they're using. They're just low-level amusing. Okay, got it. Today I wore my favorite outfit. It's called the Reverse Steve Jobs. It's a denim shirt tucked into my black turtleneck pants. Wow.

That was today. That was today. Yep. But presumably that's happened to you other days because it's your favorite outfit. Yes. It was Teddy yesterday. Teddy, the name before that. Teddy, two weeks ago. I mean, honestly, you're wearing it right now. Turtleneck pants. It was hard to imagine what they were, but now that I'm looking at them. Yeah, that's exactly what they are. Well, Teddy today, I mean, a lot of interesting stuff happens to you.

Interesting, amusing, funny. Have you ever considered, you know, putting all of these observations in a book or anything like that? I can't. Do stand up? No, I can't. Why? I'm too shy. You're shy? Yeah. You're on this podcast. You seem very outgoing. Well, you remember what happened with the choir director.

Oh, you turn very red. Your face is very red right now. I know. I should be put in a produce section with all the other red radishes. Well, I mean, what if you did it under a pseudonym or something? So no one knew it was you. Oh, yeah. Like, Junko Cribbles.

Sure, or anything. Teddy tomorrow? Teddy tomorrow. That's good? Nobody wants his back. is pretty good. I know why we're trying to kill the little. I advertise myself as the comedian Larry David.

Then there's a line around the block for people to see the co-creator of Seinfeld. Sure. That would be a good sales method. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? Until they get in the theater and then they sit down. Oh, this is a theater thing now suddenly?

I was just saying a book, but... Yeah, okay. You're more of a live performer, you think? Yeah, if I can get over this shyness. Sure, yeah. Maybe it's a live book event at a theater. That's good. Yeah.

Yeah, let me think. Oh, they wouldn't even allow a book in a theater. It's competition. Different art forms never like the other ones. It's like you think they'd let you perform a lobo. Bohem in a library? No, you've got to be quiet. Competition.

They wouldn't even let you take a phone into a movie theater because, you know, you might be tempted to watch that instead of the screen. Yeah. The Fox character from Zootopia 2 at the last movie I went to, he let the audience. No texting, no talking. Yeah, I thought that was... Did you see that, Scott? I actually did. Would you went with your daughter to K-pop Deepwater?

Yes, that's what I saw it. Yeah, that's where I said too. Which theater? Americana, perhaps? Yes, it was, Scott. Oh, yeah, on Saturday. This is a real coincidence that you guys who didn't meet each other until today. It's just another one of the amusing things.

We're there on Saturday or Sunday? Sunday. We were there on Saturday. Okay. Okay. Shaking hands. Well, this, I mean, this is fantastic stuff, Teddy, today.

It's too bad you're so shy because I think you could, you know, I would love to hear about some of these things that happened to you sporadically here on the podcast. I'd love for you to come back on it, but you're too shy, I'm sure. I can't ever come back. Because of the shyness? Because of the shyness. Right.

Well, it may be I'd come back if I'd have a few more amusing things happen. Well, I bet something's going to happen to you. Tell you what, we need to take a break. Maybe some amusing things will happen to you during the break, and we can talk about it. Uh, hope not. He says as he turns his paper over, frantically searching. Listed on here. All right, well, we're going to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have more from Teddy today. More from Mike Kaplan. We'll be right back after this. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang. We're back. Mike Kaplan is here. Rini is the special. It's on YouTube now. Anything else you want to say about the special? I appreciate you're having me and I hope people enjoy watching it. Yeah, that's the effect you want your comedy to have on the world, right? For people to enjoy it.

Yes, I want people. I mean, first I want them to watch it. But then bonus, I want them to enjoy it. What you hope doesn't happen is, is they watch the special and then they send you a video of them holding their fingers up to their noses and going, P.U. That stuff. Yes. You know, whenever I do a live show, if somebody leaves the room while I'm performing, I always assume that they're going to the bathroom. Sure. Even if they're saying, I'm leaving because I don't like it, I'm like, well, they have to poop a lot. And so if somebody, I have a very... They're making up an excuse to really be in that bathroom for a long time. They're very embarrassed. But if so somebody watched the special or didn't, and sent me a video of them saying, P.U. That Stunk. I would assume it was about their poop. They went to the bathroom while they were watching your spend.

Exactly. We also have Teddy today here, local citizen. Hi. Hi, anything happened to you during the break? Funnily enough, Scott, it did. Really? What went down here? Well, I just started thinking, you know, that movie Wizard of Oz, I mean, maybe my sense of humor is kind of twisted, but I couldn't help but wonder, what if the Wizard of Oz characters were cast with the Beatles? That's a weird thing to happen to you today

I think Dorothy would be Paul So this happened to you today where you were wondering Yes Okay, all right And how would Dorothy sound if she was Paul Um I want to hold your red ruby slipper Yeah

Um John would be the scarecrow Okay George is tin band and Ringo is the cowardly lion But now Scott this is where I get really nutty What if the Wizard of Oz Was recast with the telet Hubbees. Okay.

Wow. Well, we know Poe is Dorothy. Lala is the scarecrow. Uh-huh. Dipsy is the cowardly lion, and who else was born to play the Tin Man? But Tiki Winky. What? You put me on the spots, Scott.

I thought you were going to maybe go into what they would sound like. No. You just wondered if they had been recast, who would play what part? That's not even anything that happened to you. It's just some... Okay, another funny thing happened to me today. Oh, okay, you do have something. Today, I accidentally spilled some water on the kitchen floor.

Oh, boy. And then I got this new mop. Okay. And so I broke out the mop, and I mopped it up, and it was really good. It cleaned up really well. I was impressed. And I looked at this mop, and I was like, okay, mop. Look at you, big guy.

Wow. Teddy, I have a question. These are, I didn't think that they could get worse, but that is the ultimate. nadir of of anything you've ever done on the show ever

I'm sorry you're a first time guest Teddy what you said is true 20 minutes ago Teddy if I may ask how old are you and how long ago

did you realize that interesting things happened to you a dozen times a day well surprise surprise I'm 92 years young Yeah.

And I think it was really after retirement. When did you retire? And what did you used to do for a living? I retired at the age of 64. And before that, I worked, did, wrote comedy material for Jonathan Winters. Okay. So after you retired, you realized these things were happening to you and not to Jonathan Winters? Yes.

I was giving them to Jonathan Winters. I was like, this happened to me. He's like, sounds good time. It's a pretty good Jonathan Winters, I got to say. Wow. All right. Well, let's get to our next guest. He's an attorney in need of services of an attorney, Mike?

I sometimes am. Sometimes am as well. Let's talk to him. Please welcome to the show, Hube Wheeler Esquire. Hey. Hey, thank you for having me. Good to be here. You're clapping for yourself now.

I am. I'm clapping for myself. I'm excited to be here, and so I thought I'd get the round of applause going. Okay, yeah, no one took you up on it, but happy to watch you do it. Well, thank you very much. Yeah, great to have you here. Hube. Hube. I'm sorry, Hube is your name.

Yes, Hube Wheeler, Esquire. I am an attorney, and I'm here to hopefully get some important messages out to your listeners, Scott. Okay, great. You know what? At Comedy Bang, Bang, We Care. That's our tagline for this year. So I want to make sure that this is sort of a public service for people. What important messages are you here to impart?

Well, I am here to tell your listeners what to do in the event of a traffic stop. Oh, okay, this is good, because a lot of people are stopped and they end up giving too much information to the police or they end up incriminating themselves. So what do you suggest people do in it? Exactly. That is the main problem. people give up too much information and it gets them in trouble. So let's just start with the 10 most important words in the English language that you need to know. Okay.

My apologies officer. I don't answer questions without a lawyer. Can everyone say that? My apologies officer. I don't answer questions without a lawyer. I don't answer. That's 11 words. That 11th word is okay to add.

It does not change the meaning of a sentence. Okay, but if you can stick to 10, that would be preferable? Because a lot of people, when they're in a situation where they're being stopped by the police, they get in their heads. They think, oh, maybe if I answer this nice man's questions, they'll let me off without a ticket. Exactly. Their mind starts racing. So it's good to have a script that you stick to. Okay.

So try not to deviate from the script too much. So try not to do, sorry, Teddy, try not to add that a little. Yeah, it was a fool. That was an interesting thing to happen to you today. you added that word your face is getting a little red like a certain vegetable I kind of feel like we need to take him to the grocery store okay we won't teddy

geez wow all right well this is this is a good tip so you don't don't answer any questions from anyone unless your lawyer is present no a lot of times you will be in the car and the police officer They've pulled you over. They've come over. They want to speak to you, and they'll ask you a question like, where are you coming from? Sure.

None of their business. None of their business. I'm sorry, officer. I don't answer questions. Questions. Thank you, Teddy. Without a lawyer. The presence of my lawyer.

Oh, no. I added it now. Well, without the presence of my lawyer, that does mean the same thing. I know, but I should. I start adding too many words. Yeah. Then you're going to start revealing something about yourself. Yeah, because like I might accidentally blurt out.

I'm also guilty. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And if my lawyer was present here, I might tell him I'm guilty. Exactly. Just stick to the script. Got it. Don't add too much else. Guilty. Where are you coming from? A lot of people hear that and their mind starts going, well, I just had dinner at Chili's. I had the southwestern egg rolls. It was a really good meal. I've been waiting to tell somebody about it. This nice police officer seems like a good opportunity to let them. It seems like he's maybe interested. Maybe he saw me come out of there. Maybe he's looking for a nice place to eat. How was it? Maybe he wants someone to eat with. He's lonely.

Exactly. I'm lonely. You had such a good meal there that you might be open to the possibility of going back there with him and telling him what you tried, helping him out with the menu, all that stuff. Don't do this. Don't do this. He's not interested

in what you were doing early. this is a trap it's a trap okay good to know if you tell him you were at chilies then he knows well it's margarita tuesdays there's one dollar margaritas that they were serving there which is too good of a deal to pass up too good of a deal to pass up then he has probable cause to give you a sobriety test you could get in trouble the odds of him actually returning to chilies with you on a friendship basis is maybe 25% at best 25 it has happened but it's not worth the risk Right. Got it. Another question you might hear, do you know why I pulled you over?

That's, I mean, I know this one is just like, you're going to start throwing things out there and telling him why you're guilty. Exactly. Right. Yeah. It's, it's, you're really in a double bind in this situation because you might, if you say, I do know why you pull you're over, I was driving too fast or whatever, you've incriminated yourself. But if you say no, then it seems like you're not aware of your surroundings. Exactly. and he'll get you for reckless driving or something like that.

So what do we say to him? We say, I'm sorry. My apology. You can change my apologies. I'm sorry and my apologies are the same amount of words. Is that okay? It is the same amount of words. If you feel comfortable replacing synonyms with one another, if that's something.

As long as it's the same amount of words, then it's okay. You don't want to add. Yeah. Adding words, if it's the same amount of words and you're replacing one word with another word that means the same thing. Ideally, you're counting the words as you're saying them. And if you add too many words, you might get to the 10th and then stop before the end of a sentence. Right. So you might go, I'm so sorry, officer. Right. Don't want to do that. I don't answer questions without a. And then who knows. Uh-oh. Yeah. And then he might finish that sentence for you. Without a sandwich. Without a sandwich. Hand you a sandwich. Now you're eating a

sandwich. And then you're answering questions to him. you already ate dinner so you're it's extra loaded right and all those margaritas as well you're bloated you're drunk you're fully yeah ideally you're bloated and drunk when you're driving well certainly after eating a second sandwich that the police at chills yeah yeah of course yeah so don't answer the question it's none of his business none of his business none of your business my apologies officer yeah uh have you if i want to take a guy home with me tonight it's none of your business yeah that's right well even that is don't Don't say that either.

Okay. Really? So that, so that, was that TLC? No, that's Salt and Pepper. Salt Papa, okay, yeah. The thinking man's TLC. If, uh, would you say the Salt and Pepper rule does not apply? Uh, what would the salt, salt and pepper rule be? No matter what the policeman asks you, answer, if I want to take a guy home and

me tonight, it's none of your business. Right. If she want to be a freak and sell it on the weekend. It's not your business. Yeah. I would say that the Salt and Pepper rule does apply because technically it's not. none of his business. Okay.

But if that's the only rule you're following, you're restricting yourself to a very specific scenario, which is if I want to take a guy home tonight. But what if you happen to have a guy with you there? And you're taking him home with you tonight. If you are, have a guy with you in the car and you're taking him home with you tonight, is that guy a lawyer. Ah, that's a good question. So if it is a lawyer, then you could answer the question.

If it is a lawyer, you could answer the police officer's questions. Got it, got it. It wouldn't be any of his business. lawyer will help you determine which parts of your night. This is clear. This is very simple. Exactly. That's why just the reason number 555. I should be dating a lawyer. If I want to take a lawyer

home with me tonight, you can talk to him about whose business everything is. Exactly. Let him handle it in court. Or her. All right. What's your next tip? My next tip. They asked you, have you been drinking tonight?

My apologies, officer. I don't answer questions without a lawyer. Good. That's what you're supposed to say. That's all the cop will be okay with that. Well, because he knows that you have probably had something to drink. Most people have probably had two to three to four drinks. Not me.

Before anywhere. And they might not even be alcoholic. Yeah, sure. I mean, Mike, you drank some water right in front of me. I'm really sorry. I thought drink meant something else. This is why you're not supposed to answer questions, Mike, because you're just incriminating yourself right now.

My apologies. I say, oh, I say everyone's had something and drink and you go, not me. And yet I'm watching you currently drink water. I can't stop. Yeah, so if you say you're a waterholic, if you say you're a waterholic, that's bad. Yeah, they can get me. They can get you on a, if the breathalyzer, if you're a waterholic, what will happen if you breathe into a breathalizer is it won't show up as like a 0.08 because there's no alcohol. but it will do a point zero zero zero and it might do too many zeros and blow the thing out yeah too many zeros on one of those machines just also like zeros might come up in the cop's eyes where it's just like it's like a slap machine yes zero zero zero zero and when a cop's eyes are flipping through like a slap machine that is guaranteed to piss him on and who knows what it's going to end up on like if you're lucky it's zero zero zero but what if it comes up like alcoholic drink alcoholic drink alcoholic drink yeah where's the third number or i guess the bridge

the nose is that word about it? Bridge of the nose nose kind of opens up reveals not like a third eye the cops not enlightened no cops are not enlightened they're stupid they will try to trick you but if you know the right thing to say you can stop them right if it gets three martinis on the cop

yeah then you're in trouble then you're in trouble yeah so you don't you don't even want to take him for a spin you don't want to pull his arm you well you you can pull his arm if you've got enough money to lose yeah right yep but So if a cop comes over and stops you and says, hey, have you been drinking tonight?

You don't want to say, like, hey, can I pull your right arm like a slot machine and see what comes up on your eyes and the bridge of your nose? Because who knows what happens after that? You don't want to say that, probably. You don't want to say. I mean, it's ideal thing to say is my apologies officer. I don't know. So you've changed it to my apologies.

No, it's always been my apologies officer. I thought it was I'm sorry at the beginning. Yeah, that's an okay substitution because it's a one-for-one. I want to ask the cop if I could pull his arm like a slot machine. But he said, he said, yes, go for it. And I did. He opened his mouth and sand shot it into my face. Weird.

I mean, that is truly out of everything you said. That's maybe the weirdest thing. Well, he was eating sand. Well, that's nuts. And he was at the beach. Yeah, so maybe not as weird. Well, so none of that's admissible in court. Just saying you know.

By the way, podcasts are satirical. We don't, we maybe don't mean anything we're saying on this. they're meant for entertainment beach cop right paul blurt paul blurt me beach cop paul blart mall blart do not say paul blart mall blart to a police i would never i would never say that to a police officer they're going to go are you talking about paul blart mall cop and then it's you've admitted to having seen that and maybe had some drinks while you watched that because you have to right because to get through it you have to and you have to and you

even if you try to explain, no, Paul Blart, Maul Blart is a different thing. It's a different thing. It's an old reference from maybe 10 years ago on this show. Then he's going to go, you listen to comedy bang, bang. And of course you have to drink during that, just to get through it. And you end up in jail. And he knows you're a subversive, Hugh, if you listen to this podcast. Hube, what if you're in a lineup at the police station and somebody, they say,

has committed a crime and you're just, you're not the person who committed of the crime, but they say to you, will you say this thing? Because the criminal said... Yeah, step forward and say, hey, lady, get down on your knees. Yes, so once you're in the police line up... I don't think that's a crime necessarily to tell someone to get down on their knees. They can always say, no. You might be a yoga instructor.

Sure. Exactly. But it's sort of a brusque one who's like, hey lady. He doesn't... He's not familiar with the people taking her class. Hey, lady, down dog. Been here before? is what we're doing. Sure.

So once you're in a police lineup, I mean, you've already failed because you've probably already answered some questions. You don't want to get to that police lineup. You never want to allow them, you don't want them to take you to a second location. No, you do not.

So if a police officer ever says you have to come with me, I'm going to handcuff you, automatically just run away, I think. Well, yeah, you should ask, am I being detained or am I free to go? If they want to detain you, then we'll handle it in court,

if they've done anything illegal. Sure. but which they are allowed to detain you if they have probable cause for a crime But they shouldn't even have probable cause if you don't ever say anything to them So if like they pull you over And you say, I'm sorry I don't answer questions

Without a lawyer and they say well we're taking you downtown They have no probable cause You can just run away Yes, you can try to run away Yeah, leave your car there You can always come back for it later That's what a lot of people don't realize Is like they go oh I don't want to leave my car here

I don't want to run all the way home five miles or whatever Just leave your car come back for it tomorrow bring your keys if you can yeah yeah keep your keys otherwise the cop might you know take your keys drive your car around ask your car questions ask your car questions your car knows stuff open up the car play if it's a tesla it might have AI or voice activated things sure if it's a cyber truck who knows what goes on in there I mean you know what I mean yeah it could ask your cyber truck hey where were you today the cyber truck says I was parked in a parking lot earlier in front of a bar now they know

bar so yeah just walk away just run away run away run away yeah yeah so here's another

situation that you might be in oh okay if a police officer has pulled you over they're at your car they say this is firmly established

answer me these questions three okay okay this might be a troll disguised. Well, if they're wearing a police officer's uniform... They're either disguised as a police officer

or they've gone through the training and are an accredited police officer. So that could be. It could be that a troll has become a police officer in which case you don't answer their questions. Right. But if you're near a bridge, they might be a bridge troll.

Right. A bridge troll, you do have to answer a bridge troll's questions to be able to proceed. Otherwise, they'll eat you, right? They'll eat you. and force you to become the new troll. Oh, is that how it works? So what happens to them once they eat you and you're the troll?

They take your life? They, do they switch places with you? Where does the troll go? So you kind of inhabit the troll's body. Okay. They go to the next, like, dimension, the next level. Yeah. Troll heaven.

I think they're, maybe they're like released from there, like, servitude. Servitude of guarding the bridge. so it could be if they're wearing a police officer's uniform that they were a police officer before who failed to answer the troll's questions I think they get a promotion to like a skywalk not a bridge yeah like a fancier bridge

the troll goes to it I might be wrong but I had a brother-in-law you might be wrong yeah you had a brother-in-law did I say that I think so in any case answer the questions or don't answer the questions So in this case, if you could determine that this is indeed a troll, you basically, you have to weigh the possibility that it's a troll versus it's a police officer.

Would a lawyer being, like, you're taking a lawyer home with you tonight? Would that help you in this situation? If a lawyer was present? Yeah. Well, yeah, you're taking a lawyer home with you tonight. Yeah, you're taking a lawyer home with you tonight there in the passenger seat. You can answer any questions in all situations. Okay.

If you don't have a lawyer with you and you're not sure whether you can answer the questions. should you just take a lawyer with you everywhere you go yes what like are you available i'm available 1-800 questio well i mean you're here right in front of me can i just ask you questio it's seven letters q u e s t i oh yeah yeah 1-800 questio could i just put in the end even though it you know just i hate to leave that hanging will that send it to somebody else if what if it eight letters eight numbers then that might go to like a different country. Different extension? Oh.

It's not an, well, if you did 1-800. Yeah. And then I- Questio. Questio. If it automatically starts dialing after the Questio. But it might, if there's an extension and you've already,

and you put in the end. And you put in the end, right? It might be the wrong extension. It might be the wrong extension. So you could end up. Oh, Extentio. Extentio. It might be the wrong extantio.

Yeah. So then if you get sent to the wrong extension, you want to. dial extantio that sends you back to the main frame but look you're just here right in front of me right now can you just hang out with me and maybe Mike and maybe what's your name Teddy Teddy? Teddy today

this is fun Teddy today and just come with us everywhere we were planning on getting drinks after this but are there questions you could ask to determine if they are a troll versus a cop like they have to tell you like if you're a cop you have to say undercover troll same rule yeah so you could ask show me your badge number that's not really a question it's more of a command

so I guess I could say can I see your badge number and if they don't produce a badge number that means that they might be a troll and I never quite understood that like show me your badge number and then they give you a fake number how are you supposed to know I haven't memorized every badge number in the world well so that's the type of thing that if they do the wrong thing then we figure out in court later

Oh, but if they're a troll, you're not going to court. You're going to be eaten. Exactly. But if they're a troll that gives you a fake badge number, they're not allowed to do that. Trolls are not allowed to do that. I didn't know this about troll lore. Well, if they want to be released from their servitude or get promoted to the Skywalk, they have to follow their rules. Got it.

I would just love for a troll to give me a fake badge number so I could just take him and put him over my leg and spank them. Wow. Spank them over and over and over. Hmm, that'd be an interesting thing to happen to you. I hope it never gets to that. I mean, you could talk about it. No. Too personal?

Yeah. Now, Teddy, you've got a lot of stuff going on in your life. How do you handle people asking you questions? Well, police officers are constantly asking me questions, and I don't have an attorney. So I suppose I should get one in order to protect myself here. In the meantime, I've just been putting I wear kind of a jacket with like spikes on it So if a cop comes and talks to me, you know, what do you do in here?

Is that your second favorite outfit? Yes. You can put it on over your first favorite outfit. Yeah, I have my denim shirt. Right. And my black turtleneck pants. And then I have, they're covered in spikes. So if a cop ever tries to grab me,

I go, initiate. spikes and they start spinning. The spike starts spinning. Where did you get this jacket? Kind of like from a Hellraiser. Oh, it's a Hellraiser jacket. Yeah, Clyde Barker gave it to me.

Is everything you wear? Because I noticed that denim shirt, it's, it looks like Jay Leno's old shirt, doesn't it? It has sort of his, like, Jay Leno-shaped sweat stains on it. Yeah, after he passed away, his wife asked me if I wanted to come and... Mavis.

Mavis and check out his closet. After Jay Leno passed away? Yeah. That was a sad day. I remember, I went out the day he passed away. I just went for a walk. And there were so many cars just driving by themselves. Yep.

He set them all free. Yep. Yeah. Wow. It was crazy. Anyway, so that's the kind of thing that can happen, right? Cube? That is the kind of thing that can happen.

Those cars driving around with no people in them. You know, it's so interesting, you see these Waymoes out there driving around? Oh, yeah. What if a cop stop them? Like, what's he going to do? Like, talk to nobody? Talk to the car. Thanks, Eddie.

Wow. I'd like to see that. Hey, hey, Hube, is there any more to the troll cop, bad cop situation? Yeah. Is there more to it? Like, you started to say if the person says, if the person in the uniform says, I have these questions three. Like, is there more specific questions?

You want to just hear the questions. Yeah. Because you like puzzles and you want to solve them? them yeah yeah yeah yeah have an example of the three questions yeah so these are the types of questions that you might uh hear if you have determined that this is a troll not a police officer you'd like to proceed underneath this bridge great um what has hands but cannot clap it's a clock yeah very good total clock action yeah very good uh uh when you look in my face i will look you in the eye clock as well wrong potato

You need to make sure that the troll finishes asking. Sorry, troll, go ahead. Go ahead, please. When you look in my face, I will look you in the eye, and I will never lie. A mirror. Exactly. Yeah. I guess a clock.

Clock kind of works too. Clock could lie. Well, a clock doesn't lie about what time it is. But even a broken trunk is. No, if it's wrong. It's right. Twice a day. But I guess a clock that's been wound to be two minutes early would. I think the troll would give. it to you if you said clock yeah he'd have they'd go to the judges like on jeopardy yeah it's a

judgment call but i bet he would give it to you yeah well what's a third one i wonder if clock would work for this those who make me sell me those who buy me do not use me those who use me cannot see or feel me Anna Kendrick I believe it's a coffin it is a coffin I think clock works for that too honestly let's see those who I hate to be the clock guy but It could work. Those who make me sell me. Yeah, that's true. Check.

Definitely. Those who buy me do not use me. That's pretty frequently true. Honestly, we're just looking at our phones for the time these days. Exactly. You're almost never looking at an actual clock. Those who use me, so this is someone who's actually looking at them. They're using the clock.

They're either winding it up or they're looking at it. Cannot see or feel me. That works as a clock, honestly. You don't usually feel a clock. Right. It would be weird if you... To not see it. To not see it.

If it only said feel. It makes sense. Yeah. Now you could be listening to the number of ticks that have been going by and that could still work. That's how I tell the time is how many... I count ticks subconsciously during the day. Don't get Lyme disease. Hey, Teddy!

You're joking? But I'm honestly afraid of getting Lyme disease. I had it once. Oh, no. Yeah, it wasn't good. You and Irene from Real World Seattle. That's just a... We're the only two, yeah.

Look, Hube, this is fascinating stuff, but we are running out of time. Would that surprise you? Running out of time. That's another clock thing. You're the clock guy. I'm the clock guy. Or a chef. That's true.

Running out of the other kind of time. Yeah, I guess so. Look, we only have, I hate to say it again, but time for one final feature on the show, and that's a little something called plugs. I, I, I'm sort of a, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm sort of a... The bags of my body. Yes, it's nature's bag. The bags of my body can hold my hands.

My mouth. Wait, did you just put that shit in your mouth? Yes, it's nature's bag. The bags my body. The bags my body. The bags, the bags, the bags, the bags. That's the plug. The plugs theme song?

That's the opening the plug back theme. That's bag or something, parentheses, Roli Polly World Series remix by Lot Angeles. Thank you so much to La Angelis or Lot Angelus. If you have a plugs theme, head over to CBBWorld.com slash plugs, and you can upload it there. You can find everything you need to make our remixes. Whatever you need is over there. And guys, what are we plugging?

Mike, obviously Rini. Rini, the special on YouTube now and as forever as YouTube is. Look out for my new viola music plug theme song that I will be submitting and you will listen to because you listen to all the submissions that come in? I definitely do. Yes. So, yeah, I would love, honestly, I would love to have you do one of these.

I'm excited and I will do that. Everything else, come see me live if I'm where you are, listen to my albums, watch my specials. Everything, if you spell Mike the way that I do, M-Y-Q-A-P-L-A-N, Mike Kaplan on social media, Mikecaplen.com is my newsletter. I've got podcast, a book, and other things. But yeah, put Mike Kaplan wherever you want it. Watch Reney on YouTube. Listen to my comedy.

Thank you so much. Fantastic. And Hugh Wheeler Esquire, what do you have to plug? Well, you were looking at him like you thought his name might be Hugh Wheeler. That is your name, right? That is my name, Hugh Wheeler Esquire. You can find... You seem surprised when you learned it was your name.

I did. I suppose I was expecting Teddy today. I'm going clockwise. I'm not going in order. I'm a clock guy. What can you say? Scube Wheeler Esquire, you can find me online on TikTok. Obviously, you're everywhere.

If you are in a car called 1-800 Questio. Regardless of if you're stopped by the police or not. Just if you're in a car. If you're in a car, there's a good chance you're going to be stopped by police or at least be in like a drive-through where they're asking you what you'd like. to order or something. Don't answer those questions either. Well, just make sure that it's really a drive-thru. Because sometimes cops can erect fake

drive-thrus? Yeah, they can. It's sort of like a checkpoint. They can do a checkpoint to seek. Like, who's drunk enough and wants, has the munchies, who's high, wants to eat? Exactly. Yeah. So, 1-800-Questio, I will drive up in my Lincoln Town car.

Like the Lincoln lawyer? No, not like the Lincoln lawyer. You're not to be confused with the Lincoln lawyer. I'm not to be confused with the Lincoln lawyer. You're a lawyer that does drive a Lincoln? I do drive a Lincoln town car. You're not the Lincoln lawyer. I do drive it around all day.

You're A Lincoln lawyer? Will you give us that? I'm A Lincoln lawyer. Okay. Technically. A Lincoln lawyer.com? Yeah. A Lincoln Lawyer.com.

That's the other way to reach you. That's the other way to reach me. And then there, once you're at A. Lincoln Lawyer.com, that is a sort of database of all Lincoln Lawyers. Oh, okay. Type in Hube Wheeler. Squire into the search bar. How many Lincoln lawyers are there out there? I mean, there's at least

17 of us. Oh, okay, good. So you all banded together and bought this website? We did. Because we were having problems with the Lincoln lawyer. Got it. We're sort of small fire. Trying to differentiate yourself. Anyway, I'll show up. I'll show up to wherever you are. I'll get in your car. I'll help you answer questions.

You'll leave your Lincoln at the site, right? I'll come back and pick up later. Take my keys with me. I'll run into your car and I will help you with whatever. problem you're dealing with. And if you're into live game shows, sure. Who isn't? At Comed

Clash on Instagram. We don't like scripted game shows. We want these things live and in front of us, right? Right. If it were scripted, that would certainly be weird. Are you a part of this game show or it's just one that you like? When I'm feeling in the mood to see

how other people answer questions to sort of test my brain about the situations they could find themselves in. I like to go to this show at the Elysian Theater. What's it called? Comedian Clash. Comedian Clash. That's right. At Comedian Clash on Instagram.

Okay, fantastic. And now continuing clockwise, Teddy today. What do you have to plug? Oh, you can listen to the podcast with Gourley and Rust, with Paul Rust and we talk about horror movies. You're on that? Yes. All right, well, I want to plug, look, hey, first of all, best of voting is now open. This is the last episode that is eligible for the 2025 bestubs.

Wow. We go Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving to give us time to prepare the bestubs. So this is the final episode that is available to vote on. You can go to CBBWorld.com and you can vote, I believe, it's CBBWorld.com slash vote. But if you just go to CBBWorld. BWorld.com. You can vote. Pick your 10 favorites of the year. And in about three weeks time or four weeks time, we do the best of.

Paul F. Tompkins and I will be doing those in our four-part series. And so this is very exciting. You guys just made it under the wire for 2025. This is good. Scott, wouldn't you agree that the 10 best episodes, it's sort of the inverse of Oscar season. A lot of times they'll put the Oscar contenders at the end of the movie. But I feel like sometimes the voters, the things that are most recent, don't stick in the mind.

Is it a recency bias? Is that what you're talking about? It's an anti-recency bias. What are you talking about right now? Well, usually if you want, oh, you want the last samurai to win best picture. You release it Christmas week. But you think that doesn't work. But I don't think it's the same with Bang Bang.

Okay. Well, let's find out. Vote for this episode. Yes, that's right. So you want people to vote for this? Yes. You just think they might not. Just knowing what you've done on this episode today.

You want people to vote for this one? Yes. I want them to as well. I think that'd be great. I'm not so sure. That was such valuable information. You're a little more realistic you. But also we have some great comedy bang bang, bang ornaments.

We have some, we have Santa ornaments. And ho-ho. We have ho-ho ornaments. And we have a comedy bang-bang motormouth guy ornaments. And you can get those. podswag.com and slash comedy bang bang bang I believe and head over to cbbworld.com.

We have some great stuff going on over there. You're going to really love what's happening over there. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Open the block bag with me, dude. Open the plug back with me, dude. Just please don't close it and be rude. Please don't close it and be rude. You got it.

Yeah, that was closing the plug-bag-bag. Yeah, that was closing the plug-bag, parenthesis, Fart to Fart by Chris Gray slash where-wilf. That's W-E-R-E-W-I-L-F, each one having a period after it, like the man from uncle. In any case, thank you to Chris Gray. And, guys, I want to thank you so much,

Mike. Always a pleasure to see you. Congratulations on entering the Four-Timers Club. Thank you. And going clockwise, just to prepare yourself, Hube. Wonderful to meet you. And such great tips. Really appreciate everything that you had to say.

How many times have you been arrested? probably once probably once do you remember what for answering question sure but about what what was the actual charge

so well the was lying to a police officer okay that's what they ended up charging you yes because what happened was that I was pulled over the police officer asked me do you answer questions were you a lawyer at this point

uh i was this was before i was a lawyer before he passed the bar this is before i passed the bar okay uh even before i went to law school even this is like your origin story like why you did it exactly okay now i had heard to say i don't answer question my apologies officer i don't answer questions without a lawyer which i said right but since he had asked me do you answer questions that was i answered his question by by saying that i don't answer questions so you did answer questions, which means you lied to him and he caught you. I lied to a police officer. He caught me, put me in jail. I was charged with lying to a police officer. Are you sure? Was that a troll? It seems like a troll kind of question. Well, see, back then I hadn't done all the research I've done now. Is all your research mainly on trolls, by the way? Like, how much do you know about trolls? I know a lot more than most people about trolls at this point, just with all the situations, since passing the bar, all the situations that I've been dealing with. Yeah. Do you mainly represent people who have gone on a bridge and have been stopped by trolls? That's, these days, that's about 70% of cases.

In this economy, yeah. Yeah. Trolls who, and, you know, like we said earlier, they've been getting, some of them have become police officers themselves. Yeah. It's very thorny. There's a lot of overlap in the troll and cop community. Yeah, because they're trying to get out from under that bridge.

They'll do anything to. Yeah. A cat, right? Mm-hmm. All cops are trolls. It's becoming more and more like that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it feels like that, doesn't it? These days. Yeah. And then Teddy today. So wonderful to meet you.

Yeah. And Scott, I was thinking it's interesting that you mentioned Santa before. Why is that? Because Santa, he brings gifts one day a year. Okay. But you, you bring laughs every week. You're kind of a Santa of podcast. You make people so happy. You bring the gift of laughter and joy Scott. To be honest, I wish that I got 300. 64 days off a year, but Scott is to Santa as as week as to one day, as every week is to one day.

Precisely. Yeah, I think that makes sense. So, thank gosh, Teddy. Thanks so much. Thank you. I mean, I was considering never asking you to ever come back on this show, but now I

kind of would love to see you return, Teddy. I do think that your musings and observations are pretty humorous. Scott, you have to admit, from midnight to at least 4 a.m. at the later 6.30, he said 12 interesting things happen every day, but that was only like a quarter of a day at most. Yeah. And he had, of course, by the end of that period of time, he was like the bottom of the barrel. Sure, but I mean, just those first few things. Oh, yeah. We're so funny. Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to, uh, you know what? Really save up your

things though before you come back on. Oh, certainly. We don't know. What even happened yesterday? We have no idea. we'll never know but save up your things and come back in about like i don't know like 10 years or so sounds good i'll see you uh in 2035 okay great join the uh mike kaplan four-timer over the course of 14 years exactly all right we'll see you next time thanks bye