Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - A Four Tampon Polycule (D’Arcy Carden, Carl Tart, Erin Keif)

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

D’Arcy Carden joins the eight timers club as she returns to talk about her shows “Sunny Nights” with Will Forte and “Wild Vacation Rentals.” Used car salesman Ted Ready is eager to put you in a new (to you) set of wheels. And British nobleman Puddlesby Bridgerton teaches us where Viscount falls on the scale of nobility. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Mikaze Banc Bang Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedie Bang, Comedy Bang, Macsha. Micah S. Fokacia, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Yes, thank you to Mr. Senor Jr. the third for that. So let me see, Mr. Senor Jr., the third. So there have been three Mr. Senor juniors, and then I guess the junior was the second. So a long line of Mr. Seniors and I believe the fourth in the line, but in the succession. Who cares? Hi, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, and we have a great one today. My name is Scott Ackerman coming. up a little later. We have an entrepreneur. Yes, entrepreneurs are back on comedy bang, bang. We also have a British nobleman. A British nobleman. This is quite an interesting group of people we have on. We also have an actor. So why don't we talk to the actor? You know her as from the television show The Good Place where she played the villainous cyborg, Janet. She currently has a show on HGTV called Wild Vacation Rentals, we'll talk to her about. But also, this Wednesday on Hulu, her new show, Sunny Nights with Will Forte comes out.

Please welcome back to the show, Darcy Cardin. Hi. Hi. Thanks for having me. My pleasure. So good to see you again. Okay, let's try it again. Hi.

Yeah. Yeah, not bad. Really good. Do you have a five octave range like Mariah Carey? Yes. You should put that, actually, can you redo my- intro? Okay, I'm sorry.

She has a five-octive range. And she played the villainous cyborg, Janet. I like villainous cyborg, Janet so much. That's pretty much what you were, right? Yeah, yeah. That makes me laugh. I love it. Welcome back to the show. It's so good to see you again.

I believe the last time we spoke to you was in the dregs of our COVID era. We were outside and now we're inside. Yeah. How is your life? changed being outside and now inside. Well, you can take your jacket off. Yes. Yes. As Joe Cocker once sang, you can take your jacket off, but also leave your hat on. When I was in high school, God, was I in junior high, I think I was in junior high school, and I went to the high school dance show with my best friend. What's a high school dance show? You know, like, like, like,

the girls, they do a show. Okay. And it is the girls. And maybe one guy. No, there, in this particular year, there was no one guy. And the senior girls did a dance to, you can leave your hat on. And it was so horny. It was so horny. I wonder there were probably, I remember when I was in high school,

in the lip sync contest, three girls did Vanity Sixes song, nasty girl, dressed in lingerie. There were immediate recriminations where the next year they were like, a faculty advisor has to watch your lip sync before it actually happens.

Oh my God, I love high school girls. We love to get so horny. Did it make you horny? I was like... I'm doing my awesome powers impression, right? I guess I won't answer that then. I was like, yes. You, uh, Darcy, you're one of our favorites.

We've known each other. I mean? At least over a decade, because you were on the TV show and the TV show ended a decade ago. Isn't that weird? I can't. But, uh, probably, did we know each other before? then? I feel like, I feel, well, I just, I think we did. I think, I mean, I knew you. I knew who you were. I knew who you were. I knew. And I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I don't know if you did. But, uh, well, I, uh, it was, it was, it was great having you didn't. But, uh, it was, it was, it was, it was, I, uh, it was, it was, I was having really sweet thoughts about, the TV show today. I was, I was, yeah, I was thinking about how special it was, like, like, how, how. And how.

much you employed like up and coming you know like people that had never been on TV before people that had never written for TV. It was a lot of people's first television job. It was huge. And we didn't make people audition for the most part. Oh my God, that's so true. Unless it was something that we really needed like a special

to see if they could do the accident. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You know, but it was just kind of offering people all of our friends' jobs. It really, it may, I had also like just moved to L.A. from New York and I was feeling a little like whoopsie doaps. Maybe this was a bad idea. And so it was one of like the first things that made me feel like I was part of the community. So thank you so much.

Thank you. And of course you, did you have more than, were you an under five? I can't remember. Well, let's see. I had two things. I was like, Tim's, Tim Kauffack is his wife. Yes. Okay.

Right. I don't remember why. I don't either, but I know it was great. Yes. He was like a reoccurring thing. I mean, I think I, like, brought him his lunch. Oh, oh, and I was like, I think I did three because I think I was also a stage. Oh, you did three episodes?

Yes. Oh, that's great. Like a stage manager of some sort and then also in like a big walk and talk West Wing style thing. And then also like. Oh, yeah, I sort of remember that. Manzuchas and Reggie and some other people we were like out in the woods just as what was that? I don't even remember. Oh, yes, yes.

No, we brought you back. That was the first scene of a. of our season opener and we brought back a bunch of people from the previous. You're wearing like leather masks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was like someone chopping off heads or something like that. So thank you. You're welcome.

I hope you enjoyed that. What was it about a thousand dollars per? Who cares about the money, Scott? I got to spend time with my heroes, new friends, comedy legends. It was really special. It was a lot of fun to do that show. And now, of course, I am out of work. TV is dead.

Oh, no, TV's dead. I think they coincided right at the same time. Some might say because of me. But since then you've gone on to acclaim and fame Since your early days being a babysitter, I believe we've talked about on other episodes. You and Lauren Lackas both have the babysitter Two TV and movie star pipeline.

It's a good pipeline. I think Kristen Wigg and Jennifer Garner, these are all... Oh, they were a former babysitters as well. We're all in the Babysitters Club. Yeah, really. A particular babysitters club. That particular one, yeah. The other one is about kids who are babysitters.

I really don't know anything about it. I know everything about it. Do you really? Let's test your knowledge. Okay, ready. Okay, let me look online to see if there's a babysitters club quiz. Oh, fuck. Babysitters club quiz.

There's got to be one, right? Well, there's one of which babysitters club member are you. Do we want to do this one? Yeah. All right, yeah. But this wouldn't be like testing knowledge. Do I reject all the cookies or do I confirm my choices? I reject.

Sometimes when you press reject all, then it sends you to a different website. But honestly, I feel like we can reject them more than we think we can. I'm going to reject. Yeah. Oh, nothing. Then I just am right on. Exactly. Okay.

How do you like to dress? I'm a fashion queen. I love shopping at the fancy department stores. Okay. So that's probably wanting to be Claudia Kishi. I know how I'd like to dress, but my parents buy all my clothes for me. Maybe that's Marianne. I love being creative with my outfits.

It's all about the personal touch. Okay, that's Claudia. Oh, okay. I don't know. Whatever's clean, I guess. Maybe that's... Wait, Christy. You're supposed to know who you are then.

Oh, okay. Sorry. Which one do you more relate to? Oh, I didn't listen. All right. Forget it. Okay, great, great, great. You proved, though, that at least you know a few of the names of the people. Don, Claudia, Marianne, Christy.

It was great. I love those books. I love those books. Would they solve mysteries or would they... We should be talking about your own shows. I guess. Okay, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which was always... Which was also a show that I wasn't on.

Oh, okay. Just recently. And they, they, what would they do? They would babysit kids and then bring the kids along on the mysteries like adventures and babysitting or whatever. Oh, God, I love that movie. Do you really? Yes, do you not? I had just, I believe I just watched it for the other show that I do.

Don't fuck with the babysitter. Do you remember that part? Great line. There's that very curious scene where they go into a blues bar and. Oh, shit. Is that curious? Because in my mind, that's great. But you know, you watch it when you're like five years old.

Exactly. And you're like it's aspirational. It felt like it was the best movie. But I guess it could have been curious. Good point. I thought it was interesting. Yeah. Very interesting. We'll leave it at that. We'll leave it there. I don't, the funny thing is that I don't really remember what the storylines were. It was like dealing with maybe like a divorced dad.

They were just like best friends. So they wouldn't, there was no like story engine of. I don't remember there being like a mystery per se. It was just sort of like dealing with issues. Just dealing with issues. Yeah. That sounds good. Maybe I'll read some.

No. or yeah. And I'll take this quiz myself. Thank you. Actually, what? Okay, I'm going to take it myself. Yeah, great, you're great. Do it silently.

I'm going to say, do it silent. I'm going to say whatever's clean, I guess. How do you feel about boys? Yuck, I wonder why some girls like them so much. I don't really care. Boys are my life. Feel about them? I've already dated one.

Whoa. I don't want to say out loud, but I'm. What's your family like? Total geeks. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really their daughter. If it wasn't for my mom, I'd be the only girl in a house full of boys. Quiet and small, I don't have any brothers and sisters. Sophisticated Metropolitan.

I'm going to say total geeks. I hope you're not listening. In what way would your friends describe you? Super shy. The next Picasso, leader of the pack, fashionable. I'm not going to say which one. Okay. What type of babysitters club member are you definitely?

What part? Oh, I'm sorry. What kind of party do you like on your birthday? Definitely a pool party. Something outdoorsy. A nice slumber party. Maybe a walk through Central Park or a Broadway. show.

I'm going to say that one. Yeah. How long have you been babysitting? My parents said it. I actually was a babysitter for a number of years. Yay. But you didn't answer it honestly. And not joky.

Yeah. So sorry if I'm putting jokes into this podcast. I'm going to say that one. What kind of foods do you eat? God damn, this is too long. Chips soda ice cream. What rank would you give yourself president? Yeah, I'm going to give myself president.

Yeah. What kind of hands? hair do you have? Long blonde, silky black. Throw on a baseball cap. Do you have any siblings? Yeah, they're geeks. Total geeks.

Why are they, so many of them, I'm Christy Thomas. Yay. I think that means you're the little lesbian. That's what they call me. The little lesbian of podcasting. Darcy, let's talk about these shows that you have. Because I, I, first of all,

Sunny Nights is coming out this week. Okay, this is the one that came to my attention, which is why I asked you to do the show. Thank you. This is you and Will Forte. What a guy. This was made in Australia. Sorry, let me get into the accent. Dr. Liza disc.

Australia. Very good. Dr. LaserDisc we found is the way to get into an Australian accent. Dr. Liza disc. Dr. Liza disc. That's really good. You filmed it in Australia? Yeah.

With Will Forte? With Will and the whole Australian gang. All of Australia came to be in the show. Yes. Now what's about it? It's small. It's big, but it's small. The country or the people?

Australia is big, but there's not that many people there. Yeah, why is that? I guess it's so hot in the middle. Well, it started as the prison continent, right? True, true, true, true. And so people just naturally, when they hear that, they go like, I don't want to go to prison. They don't want to go to prison. They don't know.

It's wonderful and lovely there. I feel like people really gravitate towards the coast. So the coasts are dense with people, but the middle is empty and just. snakes and spiders. And where did you film this? We filmed this in Sydney. Sydney. Sydney. Lizzie Discs. We filmed it in Sydney, um, over a, are you ready for this? Are you ready for this? Do you all ready for this? We filmed it over a summer, but guess what that means? It's winter in Australia. Oh, wow. That'll make your head fucking flip upside out. I know. We've heard tales of the surf in Santa Claus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. From Australia. But this is, so this is in the summer. And so it was like you never got to escape the rain that year that you filmed it? Yeah, that's right. But it was, but it was okay. Because it's kind of L.A. L.A. weather.

L.A. summer. Yeah. So I'm still going in the ocean. I'll tell you that much. Hell yeah, you are. We lived, Jason, husband, Jason and I moved there for, I think it was like four. Actually, he wasn't there the whole time. But I was there for like four months.

Yeah, why are you giving him stolen valor? You're the one who was there. I was there. Yeah. And especially by the end of. of the, I think we left in like September, October, and it was getting warm. Ah. Yeah.

And well, I mean, we could talk about the weather. Yeah. And what it was like, while you were filming it all? We could talk about the show itself. Okay, fine. It's you and Will Forte and you are in business together. Is that what it is? Yeah, we're siblings.

Okay. And we have a business together. Much like I was during taking this quiz about the babysitter's club. It was super similar, actually. Yeah. Oh, it was. It was similar to me taking the quiz? Yep.

Okay. So we are siblings that have started a spray tan company. Oh. And we go to Australia because, you know, spray tan is big there and a lot of people do spray tan there because their sun is so strong. Oh, I see. So they cover up because they don't want to get the actual tans that will give them cancer, but then they get the spray tans. So they look good. So they look good in Australian, you know, like spray tanned.

But they're wearing a very high SPF. Yeah. Actually, spray tans truly are. are huge there. That's interesting. Yeah. And anyway, so I'm kind of like wild card, like, like, a wild woman, no filter. My name's Vicki.

He plays Martin and he's like straight-laced and nervous and... What's your last name? Marvin. Martin Marvin? Yep. The writer was having a bit of fun with that one, wasn't he? Or she? Or she!

The doctor could be a woman. That's true. We'll never know. And he's following his, I just want to change a scene and I want to get, you know, like, I'm like, I'm on, I'm just on to the next thing. And he's actually following his ex. On to the next one. On to the next one. Y'all ready for this?

And his ex- You can leave your hat on. His ex-wife or recent ex-wife is Australian and she had moved back to Australia. So he's sort of just following to get her back. Okay. So then then you start, and what do you, investigate? And what are you investigating mysteries? We are trying so hard to get our business off the ground. We're failing and flailing.

We get sort of mixed up with the wrong people for some job opportunities. And maybe you are asked to put spray tans on mafia members. I mean, a little bit. I wonder how much I should tell you. I feel like you can tell people things that are in the pilot. Oh, yeah. Well, you want to tell enough that it gets people interested. You ready to get interested? Because if it was just like, oh, we run a spray tan business,

I would probably be like, look, she's my best friend. I ain't watched this shit at all. Okay, let me wet your appetite. Okay, here we go. So, yeah, we go to a beauty con, okay? Wait, a conference, not con. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, and things aren't going that well. And yeah, Will's Martin is a little bit bummed out. And yeah, his wife isn't calling him back. So yeah, he gets a little too drunk at the bar. And yeah, another woman who's at the beauty con starts flirting with him. And yeah, they have some hardcore sex. Hardcore, really?

Yeah. So there's like, what, 15 minutes of just penetration? Because the writer was having a little fun with that one, too. If so. And yeah, I think I'm spoiling too much. And yeah. Not really, because I'm still not watching. You got to give me like one.

So yeah. So maybe the next day she blackmails him and she's actually part of the Australian. mafia. And yeah, maybe we can't pay them back. So yeah, maybe we have to kill somebody. Whoa. Okay. So now you got me. Okay. I'm there. I'm in. I'm in. I'm in. Yeah. That sounds great. Yeah. So it's just it's like we are our, our spray tanning business keeps doing well so we can't leave. But we keep getting like deeper and deeper in with the Australian mob. Okay. This is great. It's, it's dropping on Hulu. Are all episodes going to be available immediately or is it on a week? Okay. All you can binge that shit the day it comes out if you want to. But you know, take it slow.

Take it slow. To a day. What are we rushing for? How many are there? Eight. Eight. So four days in a row? Four days in a row.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Yeah. Yes, that's right. You've got your half week all set. Yeah. I don't want to do more than two hours of TV a day. What am I an animal? Yeah, exactly.

Like, what are you in the zoo? What are you? A member of a zoo? Either as an animal or a patron. Who can get a person in free? Yes. Ah, we, the LA Zoo has certain policies we know about. Well, this sounds great.

Yes. It's all coming up this Wednesday. Sorry, go ahead. No, I was going to say, do you know Will and have you? Yes, Will and I, we've worked together several times. He's a delightful human being. That's a great way to describe him. One of the best out there.

Yeah. Really, super, super nice. Jadore. Incredibly talented. One of the funny, when he turns it on to be funny, because he's not really one of those guys who's like on all the time. You're totally right. You're totally right. I think people are.

I mean, what he is all the time is the nicest person alive. Very nice and caring. Sweet, generous. And then suddenly turn a camera on him and he's like an insane person. Totally. He really has the most unique sense of humor. He's so funny. He absolutely kills me.

You're a great team. Thanks. This sounds really good. It all comes out this Wednesday. You also have a different show, though, that premiered last week. Yeah. And it's doing so well. It's apparently the number one show in America?

It might be. And Australia? They love you so much. much there. Wait, you know what's cool about the Australian show? Sorry to me. Is that it already came out in Australia. And it fucking did so well. Oh, really? Did it like, and the ratings

were good? Did it get awards? Did they have awards in Australia? They have something called the Logies. They shouldn't be allowed to. Why? Because they're so cute. They have too much already. You guys are too fortunate. You have in excess. Yeah. You have this. Men at work for Christ's sake. Yeah, Colin Hay. Although I think he's an expat. That's probably true. But it did really well over there, so I'm excited to see what us Americans think of it.

Yeah, this is incredible. So it all comes out this Wednesday on Hulu. Now, your other show on HGTV is called Wild Vacation Rentals. Now, this is, describe what this show is because it sounds like a dream. Aw. Okay, so do you know Sherry Cola? I do. Sherry and I.

From Joyride. Yeah, Joyride and so many things. God. But that's just what you said. Yes, I can't look, I'm not going to read her IMDB. It would be impossible. It would literally be impossible to do that. There's no way to do it. There's no way to do it.

This would be another 10-hour episode, like the 10th anniversary episode. It was at 10 hours. It was 10 hours. What fun. What fun we had. I guess I just told on myself that you haven't listened to it. That I didn't listen to all 10 hours. Look, maybe I listen to nine.

Are you going to every single friend of ours, are you going to watch or listen to every single thing they do all the time? We're too busy making our own great shit. Right. And too many of our friends are too successful. Exactly. I'm a little insulted. Yeah. Go ahead. Okay. Sorry. I'll do it the day that the show comes out because I've already seen it. Oh, okay. I can spend those two hours. You can spend those two hours a day for four days. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'll have listened. Almost. Okay. So you'll probably deep in, you'll get into Sunday a little bit there. Wait. That podcast episode is longer than the whole season of your show. Seems like a waste of time, doesn't it? Life is short, long. Okay. So Sherry and I short long. Sherry Cola and I, we go to different vacation rentals and unique vacation rentals, like wild as the show is called vacation rentals, and stay there and sort of rate them and show you around. And when I say wild, I mean like a tree house or like a property that's like built into the

side of a cave or a frickin missile silo. Whoa. Or we spent the night in a potato house. Wow. And are you and Sherry literally spending the nights in these places? Don't ask me that. You are under oath. As all comedy bang, bang, bang, yes are.

Yes, we are. And so presumably you walk in, take a look around. Take a load off. Go back to the hotel. That's another song, back to the hotel. Yeah, and after the party, there's the after party. And after the after party, there's the hotel lobby. That's right.

Mm-hmm. Great guy. But I was talking about a different song, but now I can't think of how it goes back to the hotel. D-D-D-D-D-D-D, back to the hotel. D-D-D-D-D-D. Back to the hotel. D-D-D-D-D. I feel like they say, more champagne, Mr. Forte. So maybe it's by somebody named Mr. Forte.

Will Forte? So Will Forte is just playing his demos to you while you're making this TV show. Why do I know that song? Oh, I heard it in Australia. Back to the hotel. More champagne for Mr. Will Forte. D-D-D-D-D-Wil Forte. D-D-D-D-D-Wil-Forte.

If he made a song like that, that would be the most baller move. He would do it. D-D-D-D-D-Wil-Forte. So you guys go into these and then you judge which one of the episode is the best. Yes, we do. How it works? Yeah. And that part is hard for me, truly.

The judging, the picking. This one's better than that one. I remember Nicole Scherzinger of the post. Pussy Cat Dolls on the first season, I believe, of the X Factor. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She, she, she, she, they somehow rigged it where she had the deciding vote. It was a tie.

And she had a mental breakdown because she did not want to, to crush anyone's dreams. Yeah. These are all just a bunch of landlords, though. What do you care? I know, that's so true. That's so true. They are a bunch of landlords. But they, a lot of them were, we met them all, you know, and they were kind of, like,

can't wait to watch. And, you know, a lot of sweet. This is like the great Christmas. light fight or whatever. Oh, yeah. But, but, where they award someone a winner. Yeah. But I, but I know that, knowing how show business works, I know that they go to all these disparate random places and they don't know which ones are going to be in an episode. Right. And then they put it all together in post. So I'm always like, how do they,

do they just like award someone? Do they film someone accepting this award every place they go? They might. I bet they do. Is that how you did it? No, because they, we never see them after. We never see them again. How do you care how you're voting. I guess just, I might run into it. them at the grocery store or they might you know send me a nasty comment oh no we don't like that you made me feel like I was going to win that type of thing you made me feel like a big man yeah a real big man who's going to win best to vacation rental um and this is out it just came out last week and how many of these are happening there there are eight episodes so far so you're an eight

episode i'm an eight episode quain i kind of am I bet I, wait, hold on, honestly, honestly, honestly. Because you have another show, I haven't even talked about the five-star weekend. I think that's eight episodes too. That's eight episodes too. Remember when it used to be at least 12? 22. 20 freaking two.

I know. Now you've got to be on something called the pit in order to get it. 16. Yeah. Darcy, by the way, is motioning towards her armpits. Get it. And saying that they stink. No, saying that they smell.

Oh, that's why you're waving under them, that you're trying to waft it over the mind. Actually, they do smell great. Okay. I'm not going to take you up on your implied offer to go smell your and lick your armpit. And lick. Because I'm a gentleman. Yeah. So, yeah, eight episodes, eight episodes all.

Maybe even League of Their Own was eight episodes. Oh, yeah. And then picked up for a second season for four episodes and then promptly canceled. Yeah. Did you ever make the rest of them or no? We never made them. But, but, oh, I don't know what I'm saying. We watched the movie together, though.

We did. Yeah, that was fun. That was fun. Yeah. God, all those damn years ago. What a movie. What a movie, what a show. And that's what I'm back to talk about the movie again.

Okay, great. So you have approximately 24 episodes of television coming out this year. Which is like an old, an old school one season. Yeah, that's what Jack Bauer used to do. What would Jack Bauer do? That's what I always say to myself. Well, this is great. We have, I mean, this is the year of Darcy.

It feels like, did anything of yours come out last year? Fuck no. Well, actually, that's, I mean, sorry, sorry. I got to be in Handmaid's Tale. Oh, you were? I didn't know that. Lute. Loot.

Loot. Yeah. And I got to be in, nobody wants this. But just an episode here, an episode there. Episode here. Not eight episodes of anything.

You have 24 episodes where we get to look at you the entire hour or half hour. I guess the HGTV one is probably half hour. Yeah. But the Will Forte one's an hour? And the five stars. Five stars also, and that's a great cast. We're not even going to talk about it because I want you to come back.

But that's the aforementioned Jennifer Garner, babysitter of the stars. Babysitters Club. Chloe Sevenie, who played a Smith's loving psychiatrist in After the Hunt. Yes, great. Regina Hall, Gemma Chan. Yeah. Wow.

Is it Gemma or Gemma? Nope. No, neither? Okay. And that's going to be on Peacock in the summer. But I want you to come back and talk about that for sure. And that'll be a California summer as well. So it'll be nice and hot.

Yeah. Well, this is a great CV that you have this year. I call this my Jack Bauer year. Yep. 24 episodes. 24 episode year. This is great. 2026 is the year of Darcy Cardin, and we want everyone to watch these things. Now, can you stick around for the rest of the show?

Because you're so busy making 24 episodes of television in 52 weeks of the year. Do you have time to stick around for our other guests? I have so much time for you. I love that. Yeah. Okay, about another hour? No more. Okay, great.

All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we have an entrepreneur. We also have a British nobleman. This is an incredible show. You're going to want to stick around for this just like Darcy. I'm doing it too. And just like Jack Bauer would. You're going to want to stick around for the B block and C block.

We're going to be right back with more Darcy Cardin. More Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We are back. Darcy Cardin is here. Of course of sunny nights. Sunny nights.

Now it's easy to say Sunday nights and go like, oh, this comes out on Sunday nights, but it actually comes out on Wednesday. Yeah. And all of the episodes. That's true. How do you reconcile these two things? It's been hard. It's been hard.

Sunny nights. Yeah, we really fought for sun. We fought for it to just be called Sunday night. Yeah. Sunday night live. That's a better title probably, right? We wanted people to watch it live, like the second it dropped. But they really were strict about sunny nights just because it's like in the show so much.

Should they call 60? and it's Sunday night on tape. You know what I mean? Right. It's right there. The SNL brand is so strong and presumably stronger than 60 Minutes brand right now with what's going on there. But if they just like did a pivot and changed it to Sunday night on tape. And then they had, they had, you know, Don Pardo or whoever does it now out there going like,

Leslie Stahl. And then they all. all did goodbyes in the end. We're like morally savers out there and the band's going, they're all waving. What a missed opportunity. I would love to see them do the opening. You know, like all at a nice club,

a jazz club out in New York City, living it up. Damn. Oh, this is a good idea. This is one of my best ideas. Maybe next season. Yeah, next season. All right, well, let's get to our next guest.

Okay. He's an entrepreneur. This is exciting. He is a, in fact, used car salesman. Please welcome for the first time, Ted Reddy. Hey, Scott, thank you for having me. I'm Ted Reddy of Ted Reddy Auto Sales in Sanctocles, Arizona. Sanctocles, I've never been to that.

Is that North, South, East, West? All of them, Scott. It's all of them. Right in the center of the state. Right in the center of the state. This is Darcy Cardin. Hey, Darcy Garden. I'm Ted Reddy, Ready Auto Sales in Santocles, Arizona.

We got the best pre-owned certified and uncertified used cars you would ever want in your life. Nice to meet you. What makes them the best? Do you only, do you have like a certain standard? that you say like, oh, no, we're not going to take that piece of shit. Our cars are the best. They're pre-owned, certified, uncertified, used cars, the best ones you could ever drive. Scott, you need a car right now. You're in the market for a car. I mean, look, yeah. Can I introduce you in a 1985 Mercury Mariner?

Mercury Mariner? I don't know that I know that I know that I know that I know that you can get on down of radio auto sales in Santocles. So it's like a bit of a commute for me. A 40-year-old car? Perhaps. But it's free-owned certified, uncertainty. certify you keep saying certified uncertified do you mean you certify the fact that they're uncertified absolutely scott absolutely that exactly what i'm saying ready auto sales ready auto sales santoclus arizona san toclos arizona now right off highway 78 right oh right there cool like in the middle of the highway right in the middle of the highway so like in the median or in the median in the mean in the mode in the average the average any of those synod is

The mode. I forgot about the mode. Oh, the mode. Taking me back to high school. Scott kind of answers you in a pre-owned certified and uncertified used car. Hey, buddy, are you okay? Yes, I'm absolutely okay. Are you okay? Are you okay? I guess I didn't ask that in the opening second. And I didn't ask you.

Yeah, are you okay? I feel actually pretty good. I feel good too. Yeah. I woke up with a headache. Oh, I'm so sorry. And I hate when that happens. Oh, I know.

Is it coffee? Is it not enough water? Am I getting sick? Exactly. What did it turn out to be? Well, I had two goddamn cups of coffee and went on a walk and felt better. There you go. I don't know if that's what it was. So you had the coffee after the headache? Headache first.

You know, like, sometimes if I, sorry, I went, like, do you have, do you drink coffee, sir? Absolutely, I drink six cups a day. Six cups. How many of you had already? It's eight. Eight. Seat. Seat.

You're sated. Did you say you went on a walk? They went on a walk. Well, how about you'd go for a drive? Oh, yeah. From a car, ready, auto sales and San Taclus, Arizona. I don't know. Look, I'm highway 78. Yeah. Now, how long have you

been in the business? I've been in the car business for 67 years. Whoa, you look great. Thank you so much. I sold my soul to a warlock. Oh. Okay. I mean, look, can we talk about that instead of the cars? Nope, we got to talk about the only thing I'm allowed to talk about due to the rules per

the warlock. That's what I was thinking. It feels like he's like a hostage. So you have an NDA with this warlock? I have an NDA. I have an NDA. I undisclosed your agreement with this warlock that I cannot tell you. Where you're allowed to say that you made the deal, but no aspects of how you made the deal. I did make the deal. 67 years ago, my cars weren't selling.

This warlock came to my lot, bought a 1985 Mercury Mariner, which was... 65 years ago, he bought it in 1985. 20 years ahead of his time, with Drake car. So he made this futuristic car appear, and then he bought it from you? Absolutely, but he also said, every time I sell a car, a new car was show right up. Now I'm overloaded with cars, so come on down to Ready Auto Sales, located in San Tacos, Arizona, right of highway. Right off. Right on.

Highway 78. So this is like a monkey's paw situation where you can't get rid of cars and you, like, you're selling a lot of cars, but any time that you get rid of one, one. So it's like you're being suffocated by cars. Absolutely. It's more like a rhinoceros foot situation. Wait, can you guys, can you describe what both are? Oh, do you not know that story of the monkeys spa? But when people say it, I'm like, I kind of know.

You kind of know. Yeah. It's a story about like an enchanted monkey's paw that gives people wishes. But not exactly what they want. Right. Okay. Okay. And then what's a rhinoceros' foot? Ragnos' foot situation is when you're drowning in cars because they're much heavier than monkeys' fall.

So you, you've been doing this for so long, 67 years since the 1959. Absolutely, 1959 is when I first started selling these cars. And I can't get rid of them. I mean, it seems like there was such new technology. Cars were in since 1990s, Scott. Some of them had to be used by 1950s. Can you imagine, like, selling used model T's? There were cars in the 1940s, Scott.

Sure. You don't really think about them until the 50s, right? It seems like they finally got good in the 50s. I've been thinking about cars for my entire life, Scott. It's impossible not to think about cars. I'm drowning in them. The Antwerch who won in a 1985 Ford Fart Knocker. Fort Knocker?

Fort Knocker? Now, you look so good. You look young. Is that part of the curse? That is a part of the curse. I get to stay young the whole time, but my bones are dust. So are you floppy? I'm floppy and hard at the same time.

Okay. So you have hard skin but dusty bones? Absolutely. He's got rhinoceros style. Rightnosaurus foot style. So what did you actually wish for on this rhinoceros's foot? I just wish to sell a few cars. Just a few cars.

So was the I want to be young part of it at all? Or was it like a bonus? They threw that in for fear. Can you find love? Have you ever been? married? I've been married 67 times once a year. Once a year. Was that part of the course? That was a part of it too. Young and got married every year. Back then, we valued marriage a lot more than we do now. Right, right, right. And so 67, I mean, that's alimony Tony numbers. Who? This other guests at the show. And so

do you get divorced at the end of the year? Like December 31st? December 31st is she always dies. They die. That's so sad. By my hands. Oh, no. It's not up to me. Oh, shit. Are these like you don't want to do it and then suddenly... My hands are just on the steering wheel and I drive off a clip. Okay, but you survive. I wake up right back at the dealership just like I was before. This is like Groundhog Day.

What? It's Groundhog Day, but the woman dies. It's more like Wardhawn week. So, I mean, that's terrible. Why would it, do you warn the women that... Oh, yeah. Every time. And they just...

They still love you. They still love me. I mean, you're a good-looking guy. Thank you so much. Yeah, you got that BDE. Oh. BDE. I'm sorry, you got that BED is what I meant to spell.

You have a bed at your place. And you have sex on it. Yeah, and women love that. And I have big erectile dysfunction. Oh. Oh, you do have BD. That's part of the curse? Oh, no, BED.

Yeah. That's a part of the curse, too. It never works. Damn, so you marry all these women, but you can't consummate because your dick won't get hard. Absolutely. You got it. And they know you're going to kill them and your dick won't get hard. and they still want to marry you.

Well, that's women. You're telling me, brother. I've always said it. I have to. Wow. So what else do you do with your time? Do you mind me asking? I mean, do the cars take up so much of it?

So much of the hobbies. But I do like to golf. San Taclus, Arizona is a great place to golf. Is it right? Does it take a lot of water to keep those golf courses? Absolutely, it does. There's no water in San Taclus. So we drink beer.

But how do they keep then the golf course to be so green? Beer. Beer, really. beer amongst water waterfied beer not alcoholic water but they put yeast in it or whatever basically

can I interest you in a car I don't I don't know that I want to buy a car because I'm worried that part of the curse is anyone who buys these cars actually dies too is that no that's not true I mean everyone dies

everyone dies what percentage of people have died after buying one of your cars. I'm assuming in 67 years, probably 30 or 40% you don't have any stats that are like 99% of the people. No.

But at some point 100%. Eventually it will be 100%. But would you even know if it was 99% at this point? I keep tabs on everyone. Oh, you do? I send a Christmas card from Ready Auto Sale.

That's not keeping tabs on people. That's just... Unless you demand a response. I say, please respond. Please respond. Please respond by end of day. By end of day. Hey, EOD.

EOD. You've got big EOD. Yeah, big EOD. I guess you don't say erectile overdrive. Yeah, that's true. You do say ATM machine, though. But, but-a-da-ba-da-da.

So no one dies who buys these cars. I mean, the regular amount. The regular amount. You're not cursed if you buy one of the cars. Okay, you're not having no accidents where you become a double amputee or anything like that. No. I mean, unless you get into an accident and that happens. It's not because of my cars.

I am the one that is cursed here You're the one who's cursed Yeah Honestly I'm starting to feel cursed Because is part of the curse that people That these women are drawn to you Are you attracted to? Because I'm married happily married

But all of a sudden I'm feeling like Like are we meant to be together Would you like to go for a drive on December 31st? So do you want that? Well, you're already married for this year though, right? I am married for this year but I do cheat Oh, you cheat? Yeah, we are not open.

We are Catholic What happens to the people you cheat with? Do they die too? I have Gu-Mars. good day. You have Guamars. Do you're Guar's die? What are Guamars? Is that like that's a like mistresses? Yes, exactly. Kind of like Sopranos talk. Yeah. Our friend Tony Soni has quite a few of those, but a different guests on the show. But, uh, so what happens to them? Are they alive at the end of the year? The Gumars? Yes. They stay alive, but they rotate out either.

Okay, good to know. Good to know. Okay. So you can only date a Gumar for I can date a gumar for as long as I want to. Okay, good to know. When you say they rotate out. out, though. What do you mean? When they choose to leave, when they don't like the lifestyle anymore. When they don't like the lifestyle of dating a 67 year old who looks... I'm much older than that. Yeah.

35. Wait, you're much older than 67? Because he didn't make the deal when he was zero. I was 40 when he was. You were 40. Okay. So, I mean, an interesting life lived. Extremely. Extremely interesting life. Yeah. So you golf. Golf, watch TV.

Try to smush your soft dick into people of the China. Try. The Guamars are very upset. Why would anyone date you? I mean, but it sounds like Darcy is into it. Because I got cars, baby. I got cars. Ready auto sales. I'm always ready. Is it the cars? Do you think, Darcy? I don't know. It's like, it's like some, I feel like I've been a mystical attraction of some sort. Yeah, like a tractor beam, it seems like. You guys are getting closer and closer. Scott Ken and I interest you in the 1985, Bewick Barthow. Well, what about new cars? Have you ever thought about like switching to new cars? Maybe that would break the curse. Wait a minute.

I've never thought about this. Post 9-11, even. Post-9-11 cars. Post-9-11 cars. Why would that be different? Why would that break a curse if they're 25 years old? It just feels like you're really mulling this over verbally. I got to call that warlock. The warlock is dead, by the way. He was old.

Wait, the warlock's dead? Yeah. It seems like the curse would be broken when the warlock dies. I'd sign an NDA. Right. Who's going to enforce it? God. God.

Does God enforce NDAs really? The curse, the government. Yeah. I don't think that's true. Something is happening. The cars keep showing up. Right. Okay.

So I also can't get rid of these cars, guys. So maybe it's the same car that I just can't sell. Oh, so you're just not selling cars. So some old guy wandered into your car dealership said he was a warlock. You believed him. You haven't sold a single car since. They killed 67 women. And you think you're 100 years old.

I know. What year were you born? 1929. Okay. Hmm. This is not adding up exactly. In terms of like, you know, why are the cars still there? I don't really know.

The math is not mathing. The math seems to be math, Scott. I think it is. Do we like that? Do we like math to math? Do we like that phrase? We love it. Oh, that is something we can definitely talk about all there, about how phrases get taken and then they become cringe.

What do you think about six, seven? My favorite thing is actually what year that I started selling this car. Six, seven. How many years ago? Six, seven. Well, I wish, I mean, what do you want? Do you want the curse to be broken? I want you to buy a car from Ready Auto Sales,

and I want you to tell everybody about it, everybody that listens to this show. All right, I'll buy a car. But what's the newest one you have? 1985. Buick Banana. Buick Banana. I don't know that particular model either, but what are its features?

What is that power windows? It's long. It's ripe. Okay. It's got power windows. AC, no heat. But you don't need that in San Taclus, Arizona. Right.

Yeah, but I'm going to probably be driving it out here. You can't leave. Once you buy the car, you can't leave. You can't leave your dealership? You'll have to do the show from San Tacox. Oh, interesting. You could. I guess I could do that.

Yeah. What kind of deal can you make me? I'll give you this car right now for $59.99. What, when you, where's the comma? Where's the decimal point in that? There is no decimal point. No, so $5,99. Absolutely.

I mean, for a 60 year old, no. No, how when's it? 80, 85. 40. Almost 60. Don't think that. Yeah, closer to 60 than it is to zero. Closer to 60 than it is to being a teenager.

Mm-hmm. True. I don't know. 5999. Can you get that lower? You guys were talking about the babysitters club earlier, right? Yeah, we were. 1986.

Is when that started? Mm-hmm. Okay, cool. So what? You just remember? Just remember. These cars were one year old then. Yeah, can you get this lower?

You still read the books. Right. That's a really good point, actually, if you think about it. That is a good point. I don't want to pay that much for a car. All right, all right. Because you're my friend. I don't know that I'm your friend. Because we are our very best good friends.

Darcy and I kind of have that on block already. Everybody knows it. We are triumbring. Okay, you mean, like, you want to be Polly in our friendship? Absolutely. In a Polly Cule? I like to be in a Polly Cule. That is the one.

one thing that can save me. Being in a polycule? As soon as we commit to being a polycule, I'll die. Oh my, wait, and you want that? Yes. Save you. I mean, for... Let's wait until the end of the episode probably.

No, no, no, now. You got somewhere to be? Now, I got to go. You got to go? No, can you stick around? Sure, okay. We love you. We love you.

We love you. We love you. We want to be in a polycule with you, but we're not committing. No, no, we're not committing to be. We're not committing to it. to it yet. We're thinking about it. Commit. Don't be a...

Don't be in a gum or a polycule with me. Commit to me. Commit. You can't commit yet. We'll see how we feel in the end of the episode. I don't want to be the goo man in your poliqie. No, no, no, no. No, we'll figure out our relationship.

We're mulling it over. We do have to take a break if that's okay. When we come back, we're going to have a British nobleman here. Have you ever met a British nobleman, Darcy? Not to my knowledge. Not to my knowledge either. You've met British people probably. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Who knows?

But all right, we're going to come right back. When we come back, we're going to have Ted ready here. We may or may not commit to being in a polycule with him. No, no, no. Maybe. Maybe.

We're going to have more Darcy Garden. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Darcy Cardin is here. We have HGTV's wild vacation rentals out now and sunny nights out in a couple of Depending on when you're listening. Sunday night.

Sunday night. It's out on Sunday night. Leslie Stahl. Former Lee Anderson Cooper. He just quit. We also have Ted Reddy is here. Ready Auto Sales located off Highway 78 in Santocles, Arizona.

Okay. And we need to get to our next guest. He's a British nobleman. Very interesting. Never met a British nobleman before, to my knowledge. And Darcy has not to her knowledge. Let's introduce them. Here they are. Please welcome to the show. Puddlesby Bridgerton. Scott, I've come to call upon you. I see I'm a little too late.

Two fantastic suitors before me. Oh, meaning you're on the show. Okay, yeah, welcome to the show, if that's what you're saying right now. Oh, yes. I do hope it's entertaining. I'm hoping to find a Viscountess for myself. What was that word that you just said? I am a Viscount, obviously. I'm from British New Village. I don't know what a Viscount is, actually. I've heard that word bandied about. Do you know what it is, Darcy?

No, Viscount. I've never heard that. Ted Reddy? Do I know what a Viscount is it? Mm-hmm. Is someone who counts and who vies? Mm-hmm. Is that what it is, really?

Pretty much, yes. It's somewhere between peasant and king. Okay. Okay, that's a wide swath, but... Yes, obviously, my brothers have found gorgeous women to marry, and I'm following in their footsteps. Why is that obvious? Well, famously, I'm a Bridgetton, of course. Oh, I think I've heard of you guys.

I haven't watched the TV show based on your stuff or whatever, but what are the Bridgerton's? We're a family of Nobleman, and we sort of fall in love and have sort of sex, 1800s style. 1800 style. What does that mean? Like no condoms? A lot of like longing looks across the ballroom, no condoms. Diseases. Diseases.

Doing it in a ditch? Yes. So you've heard of us. Doing it in carriages. Yes, yes, yes, I've heard of you. Are these euphemisms? They can be. Do it in the carriage.

Well, I wouldn't imply that you're some sort of 1800 slut. I don't want to embarrass you in front of your guests. Oh, but you would if they weren't around? I don't know. They can put earmuffs on. Guys, earmuffs. Oh, no, we should not have, we should have a chaperone with us. Oh, oh, okay.

I don't want anything untoward to happen, Scott. I see. I see. What is your dowry? I don't, uh, meaning like how much, oh, what do you mean? Like how much money would your father send me if I choose to marry you? Well, let me go to hell and ask him. How long will that journey take by carriage? A while?

If I go the river sticks, as long as I bring some gold coins, I think that I can gain passage. But, um, I look, I don't know that I have anything to give you. Oh, I'm not, are you, are you talking about literally marrying me? Yes, of course. You have plenty to offer. You have, I'm sure, skills. You can play the piano forte and paint and such. I can play that song Will Forte.

Have you heard that one? Will Forte. The next big hit, I assume. You know what's strange is I'm also happily married, but I am actually very good to you as well. No, no, no. I was going to try to find the song. What song? The song Will Forte?

The song where he says more champagne, Mr. Fortin. But instead it blasted an episode of this show for maybe about a month ago. You're trying to refresh your memory? I just didn't want to repeat anything. Yeah, got it. Look, I am very drawn to you, and Darcy, you're very drawn to Ted Reddy. Somebody's drawn to me? No, no, no, no, no, just one person.

Maybe we could all be in a polycule together. Could, could. Commit to me, please. Shall we promenade around the Silver Lake Reserville? walk together. I guess, what does that mean? Walk around it?

Yes, we'll link arm and arms so people can see us together. All four of us? All four of us? There are sections of that that are not as wide as four people. Just feels a little like, you know, people will be walking towards us and then. Yeah, well, like, do we unlink arms?

It's like Red Rover. They can sort of get through us or they can flip over and get very hurt. I guess we could. I mean, I, look, I don't know that I'm looking. have an eyelash. Let me get that for you. Ow, you pulled out five of them. Yes. They weren't loose. They were attached to me.

I felt your breath upon my collarbone and I felt quite moved by it. I'm so glad you said lirbone. I felt your breath upon my call. The first syllable, I think, made you nervous. Cock. All right, all right, all right. It's not that kind of a show darts. I know.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Seems like you already have company here and you're not interested in sort of living a life where you're being taken care of forever. I mean, to be honest, would I still have to do this podcast? No, you could work, non-work, whatever you chose to do. I could be a person of leisure? Yes, you could throw balls, pick out flower arrangements. To what end am I throwing these balls? Oh, meaning the parties.

Maybe you had dogs. Do you have dogs? Yes, what are they called? Corgies. Corgies. Much like the queen. Yeah, oh, you've heard of the queen. Yes, God rest her soul.

She'll need to approve of our relationship before we move forward. Yes. Oh, spoiler, yes, she is. When you're there talking to your father, ask if she thinks we make a good pair. Okay, yeah. Nowadays it would be King Charles, obviously. Yeah. Don't like him?

That old tampon guy. Want to be the tampon? remember that? Oh, God, I forgot about that. Fun, wasn't it? It was. Do you remember that? No. I think he, in a love letter or something said he wanted to be a tampon up. He did. I think about it once a week, Scott. I like how Scott said he wanted to be a tampon up.

King, dot, dot, dot. King Charles. Who's king now? Yeah, the king now. He wrote a love letter to his now wife where he said he wanted to be a tampon inside of him. Well, that's romantic. I mean, it is like, it actually is, I mean, it's, it's, think about it. about it for just a second. Have you ever said anything that romantic to me? I don't think so. Oh, I could. Um, I want to crawl inside you. What part of me?

Ladies' choice. Caugh. Caugh. Come. Caw. C. Look, I'm not looking for like a rectal thermometer kind of situation here. Ah, I could take your temperature, butt style. That's exactly what that word means. Yes. There's a little hole in the front

Did you ever think about that one? My mouth. Nope. Oh, wow. So I have been known to be a little bit of a rake, but I'm trying to change my ways. Why do you want to settle down with someone so bad? Because all of my brothers have,

and they got full seasons. It's not a competition. It is. It is. It is untoward to be this old and to not. How old are you? 73. And I'm looking to finally settle down and find a wife.

I'm very interested in this front hole that you speak of. You also look great for your age. Thank you. Did you ever meet like a warlock or anything? Yeah. Yeah. You met a warlock? And then...

Oh, what did you wish for? I wish to be proper handsome. Oh, were you like an uggo before? I was. A bit, but... The black sheep of the family. You're an Aza Butterface? Yes.

I was very worried. They'd recast me because I wasn't hot enough to be abridged them. Oh, you were worried about recast, and so you asked to be handsome. And now, I mean, you are a good looking. Look, I am very drawn to you. Well, let's make this happen. Can I answer to you in a carriage? I would love a carriage.

Mine are just covered in sex liquids right now. 1987, Buick Ca. Lerbone? LeBone. I mean, look, you're 73 years old, are you worried the age difference is going to be an issue with us? You couldn't be any younger than... 73? I mean, I'm closer to 73 than I am to being a teenager.

Well, what if we just do a spin around the dance floor and see if the chemistry is there? Okay, I guess we could. Yeah, I don't have a proper dance floor, but will the floor of the studio work for you? Oh, yes. Arcees picked up her phone together. You're going to start blasting an episode of the show. You're looking for that particular song. I feel like I could play you guys a song.

Sure, yes. That you probably have to, I guess, sleep out. No, no, we can play this song. What do you got? Okay, so I'm realizing in real time that the song I thought it was, isn't. This is the song I was thinking. Okay, what song were you thinking here? You got to play more of it than that.

Is that Calveeysax? Sorry, my manager's calling. Oh, you should take it. Stop playing that song. Yeah, I did this. Do you remember the song? A waltz, perhaps, Scott? We could waltz to this.

One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, change. One. Is this song something like that? Yeah. Yeah. Scott, you know this. I think he will.

I'm going to need to hear them either talk, sing, or rap over this. Should I kind of fast forward a little bit? No, no, I'm enjoying this. Ted Reddy is damn. dancing hard. Get down. He can dance very well without those bones, inhibiting his movement.

You look like a rag doll, sort of plopping in the wind. All right, let's waltz. Here we go. Ready, Puddlesby? Yes, take your hand. One, two, three, one, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three. And a one, two, three, and one, then two, and one, and two, and one, two. Oh, two. Oh! Oh! And breathe into each other's mouths. Oh, I don't know.

Oh, my God. I think I have like some sort of bubonic plague. Oh, yes. We don't have the same medicines you have. Scott, I came into this thinking that this would perhaps be a marriage proposal of business, but I fear I've caught feelings for you. Very professional fade out. Yeah, incredible.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you to get. Uh, you, you, you've caught feelings for me. Yes. Um, I'm very overwhelmed by it. Does, do you know I'm a, I'm a heterosexual man? Huh?

What? I don't want, I don't want, I don't necessarily spoil what we have going on here. Because I, like, like Darcy and Ted, I'm very drawn to you and, and I'm considering it, at the very least, uh, you know, making you my gubar. I've come all the way to Los Angeles to find a wife and classic me falling in love with a male podcaster who's already married and has children. Is the podcaster part the worst? Yes. Quite frankly, yes.

Yeah, it's embarrassing. Unbelievable. Do you know how long it takes to get back to England for me? By what means are you, do you have a private jet? Would you like a car? Carriage all the way to the East Coast, then a boat. Right. Ugh.

Ugh. Dracula style. Exactly. I'm so sorry. This is, uh, look, maybe I, what are we got here? Different song? Or now you're just, you're just playing your favorite songs, Darcy? At the play is close.

You're going to hear more champagne before that is you really hit. Okay, this is rapping forte. Oh, oh, rapping Forte is supposed to be. It's not John Forte from the Fugees, is that right? No. Or Fugis adjacent at the very least. Get to it. I find that works whenever I'm listening to a song.

Get to it, guys. So the first song that you played is not... I was combining them. Confating them or coming? Well, it's... Is that the same thing? No. Oh, I was combining them.

Combining, combining. Meaning you were taking both songs and making them into one super song? Yes, exactly. Okay, Darcy, I am going to implore you to turn this the fuck off right now. He hasn't said more shit. I've never heard music such as this. I'm entrant. Whatever you were trying to prove is not happening.

I could have done another 40. minutes is about sitting here to that song. You guys could have been dancing. You could have been dancing. I mean, Ted was, Ted was doing, like, not only just flat flips, but it was like you were... The rhinoceros flop.

You can turn your body into a full circle. In the 1960s, I was a disco champion before disco was out. You have sort of like, you know, the Harlem Globetrotters cartoon where Meadowlark Lemon turned himself into spaghetti or whatever? Ah, yes. Metal Arc Lemon. What's the difference? What's the difference of combining him?

conflating. I think right now. Mixing the two. Mixing them up. Combining means you've done a mashup. I would love to hear you do a mashup though. Okay. Yeah.

Do you think the next time you come back in the summer for, of course, the five-star weekend, you could do a mashup of these two songs? Yeah. Honestly, they could be the same song. It really, I could do it. Yeah. Okay, great. I miss when we were nodding politely to the song.

Could we go back? Please. At the play is club And now that I think about it When she says more champagne Mr. Forte, that's deep into the song That's what I was waiting I'm starting to think that could be a third bomb

Kind of after the bridge of the song When they're doing like a act out Of him being on a private jet or something Doing like a little sketch at the end If we've listened for about three more minutes We don't have that kind of time Yeah, I think we do. Do you know we do have time for?

What do we have time for? To come on down to ready auto sales in Santocles, Arizona, located on Highway 78. So here's a question. If the four of us are going to get into a polycule. Yeah. I'm listening. We are?

No, no, no. It. I think of it. If, if, if. Would we have to live in Santocles or England or what? Yeah. Or sunny Los Angeles? Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't live there. Yeah, but you might want to go back because this show is going to be such a big hit that you're going to want a second season. Yeah. Why would we go to the middle of a highway when we could have ladies and waiting and maids and people bringing us champagne every time we ring a little bell. The problem is that I think he's been cursed to a life of Santoculus. Although he is here right now. I never thought about that.

I drove here. Maybe. In my 1987 Volkswagen, Volkswagen, Viola. The curse is broken. And you're just sort of like attached to the curse. Yeah, maybe you love the curse so much. You don't want it to be broken. I do fear change.

Yeah. I mean... Is it possible that the warlock was like a... An uncle or anything? No, it was not my uncle. You sure? He was my cousin. So your cousin came to the...

He was a cousin that I didn't know. Okay. You know how we have estranged cousins? For sure, for sure. Cousinth cousin. You came. I signed the contract with him. I still look like this.

I can dance like this. Get down. Put it off. Oh, my God. No, no, Darcy. She picked up her phone. I'm going to insist you don't. Got a homie name.

No, J.B. You know the deal. I think maybe you've been blaming all your behavior on this curse. Mr. Bridgeton. I think maybe you're not cursed at all and you've just been killing your wives. On New Year's Eve every year. You might be the New Year's Eve killer. I think that's just how a business works is that every time you sell a car, a new one arrives for you to sell. Is there... No, go ahead. Is there any chance that you guys are drawn to each other? Kim me a breathe into my car.

Lerbone. Not feeling it. Oh. Not feeling it, really. But if it was a pollicule, I think we could politely sort of manage around it. How would we never give it, meaning like... You guys would be kind of on the ends. Yeah.

Or we would on the butt of the brain. In the human centipede of a polypid. Yeah. The book ends. You know I have a peanut butter and jelly, baby. Hell yeah. And then I can finally die. Well, I mean, that's not our goal necessarily.

Seems to be your goal. Yes, it is. Wait, let's hash this out. If we were to be in a polychule and you immediately die once we commit to it. Right. Then the three of us are in a... Is it still called a polycule? It is, because there's still three people.

Still three people. And Polly just means more than two. And how do you feel about each other? Three Daurys? Huge fan. But are you attracted to me? Let's breathe into each other's collarbones. Okay.

All right. 10 out of 10. You're not a part of this. You're going to die. He said 10 out of 10. 10 out of 10. That's right. Okay. I mean, that's as high as you can go, I think. And what is your dowry? How much money does my dad have? Yes. Or what is he going to sell me sheep or what? Yeah, he could sell you sheep. Great. Does he, is he the ruler of another country or anything like that? I think his dad was pretty high up there. Oh, really? Yeah. In what respect? I almost don't want to tell you. Okay. Well, I'd like to do a little research on you then. If I looked it up online,

I think so. Interesting. Are your Wikipedia page, possibly? I am DB. You'd have to put a lot of things together. Okay. Well, I know your father is Dennis Arocan. Yeah, good job.

He left Istanbul for California with his family when he was a child. Okay, so Istan. Oh, okay, so. Ah. Hey. Who we got? Nepo, baby. Whoa.

I might be a little forward of me, but I'm ready to propose to Darcy. Oh, no. What's wrong? What's wrong? I'm cursed to live more. But the polychial. Yeah, we all need to propose to each other, right? We all need to get down on one knee together. Okay.

Long way down. It would be my honor. It would be my honor. To be a tampon inside of all of your pussies. But maybe, we haven't said it yet. So, So after plugs, could we possibly become a bit?

No, the commitment if we say yes. No, but we're saying possibly. And then the answer should be maybe. Oh, okay. Possibly become. It has to be for real. Well, sure, but we don't want you to die until after plugs. Fine.

Okay. Could we possibly become a molecule? And the answer is maybe. But we definitely can become each other's tampons. Yes. Okay, I'll allow it. I'll allow the agenda. I'm shedding it here. That's beautiful.

It is beautiful. Okay. Some champagne, Mr. Forte, please. We'll celebrate. That's where you remember it from. Him saying it. All right, guys. Well, look, let's wait no long.

No, don't pick up your phone. I'm begging her to. If this is a democracy, which every pollicule should be, Then I get a vote. Oh, it's a democracy? I thought it was a communist. I thought it was the patriarch. It'll all seep in, but I get a vote, and I'd like to hear the rest of the song.

Well, look, we are running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show, and this is a different song we're going to play. It's time for something called plugs. Bugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs. Plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs. Flugs! Ooh! Very nice.

That was Punky Plugs by Batman Boobes. Ooh. Wonderful. How to violent... Ew. But wonderful. Had a violent femme sort of feel to it. I enjoyed that.

Guys, what are we plugging? Darcy, you have 24 episodes of television out this year. Okay. You have watched HGTV. Obviously, you've watched one episode of that already. Or maybe... Maybe two? No, no, no.

I think one. I think maybe two. Wild Vacation Rentals with Darcy Cardin and Sherry Cola. This week, you can watch. watch Sunday nights with me and Will Forte. You're going to love it. It's so fun. The the amazing Australian cast, Blewis Way, directed, all episodes directed by Trent O'Donnell of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, a, call in accounts fame, other things. Wow. A great showrunner and director and cool Australian.

Oh, I didn't know. Oh, that's right. Okay. And, um, and then we won't even talk about five-star weekend because I'm coming back for that, yeah. Um, that's, and you're also going to be a cast member I was reading of Sunday night taped coming out. The new season coming out. Darcy Garden. I've always wanted to hear him say my name.

I know. Ed Bradley. All right. Ted, Reddy, what do you want to plug? I'd like to plug. Ready auto sales in Santocles, Arizona,

located right in the mode of Highway 78. Mm-hmm. And also, you can listen to Hollywood Handbook on patreon.com forward slash Hollywood Handbook where there are a lot of shows. Yeah, do they ever drop the act, by the way? I still don't know. Okay, great.

Did they ever jump it? And also you can watch Saturday Night Live. With Morley Safer. Bart Simpson. Edna Crabopal. Ed O'Neill from Married with Children Days. These are all Sunday shows. Oh, okay, okay, okay, this is fun.

Now I get it, now I get it. That's fantastic. Fred Savage. Wonder Years. Oh, Wonder Years. Was that Sunday nights? It was. I feel like it was.

Yeah, another Joe Cocker song. Yeah. Can wave your hat on. And the cast of Game of Thrones. Oh, yeah, we didn't even touch on HBO shows. Yeah. But let's move on. So much there.

Dream on. Puddlesby Bridgerton. What do you want to plug? Ah, yes. Just quick kiss on your hand for you. Thank you. You can check out Hey Riddle Riddle a Riddles and Puzzles podcast. Also Gumshoes and Dragons, which is a Colombo-style D&D podcast.

When you say Colombo style, meaning you know who did a murder at the beginning of it. Yes. Okay. And then everyone has to prove why they did it. Okay. Very nice. Yes, Darcy. One more plug.

One more plug. I love it. I would love to plug each of your vaginas with me as the tampon. Oh. No, no, no. Let him die. She'd like to. I'm never coming back.

I want to plug. Look, you can head over to CBB World. We have the complete archive of Comedy Bang Bang over there, over there. Over 950 episodes, add free. We have all the live episodes. That's like 125 of them, I believe. All the live episodes are over there. We have so many other shows.

We have CBB Presents where people from this show have their own shows. We've been doing these OJ shows recently. where O.J. Simpson has his own show called Take Care, where it's a call-in advice show. What do you think about that, Ted? OJ Simpson. Pre-1993, OJ. He hosted it in 1978.

I remember I was alive. Oh, yeah. Did you stay up all night to see it? I stayed up all night. And then I tried to sell a car and didn't work. Yeah. Right. Wait a minute, I'm dead.

No, no, no. You're still here. I just said I'd love to. We also have we have action figures out there right now We have the new Forville and Reggie Watts

action figures They're available at figure collections dot com Also in stock Ataliano Jones Antrepe Nuer Randy Snutz

Chrisa BigSoo Sprague the Whisper And Scott Ackerman More are coming very soon Go to figurecollections.com If you're in the US And if you're in Europe Visit actionfigureseller.com

C-E-L-L-A-R Of course All right That's all I want to plug. Let's, what do you say, we close up the old plug bag? Open the bag and everybody sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, I want to close the bag. Let it open. Why I want to clump, club, club, blow. Let it open. Why I want to close. Clow. Let it open. Why I want to close.

Now you know. All right. That was the Internal War of Benny Schwartz remix by Vic Freeze. Thank you to Vic Freeze. And guys, I want to thank you so much for being here. Darcy, always a pleasure to have you on. Thank you for having me. And it looks like I have my summer plans. I'll be watching 24 episodes of television of Full Jack Bauer. That's right.

Yeah. Thank you for for for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, for Yeah. We're going to, in fact, I would like it if on previous episodes of 24, all eight seasons or whatever, they changed his name to Darcy Carter. Thank you. I think that would make sense. Thank you so much. And I want to thank Puddlesby Bridgerton, of course, for being here.

Thank you for having me, Scott. It's my pleasure and I'll have a beautiful wife. be to be. I will have an answer on that regard, as I believe we all will after I thank our other guest here. Ted Reddy, I want to thank you so much. He's passed away. Who's this? Don Pardo, with musical guest, rapping forte. Don! Play it, play it, play it. Before Scott gets mad, quickly. I already am mad. Do you think you can skip ahead to the part where? But why would you want to? I was trying to look in the lyrics,

but it's just a girl saying it in the background, so it might not be in the lyrics. Okay, well, let's hear it as we go out, and let's answer each other as to whether we're all going to be in a polycule. Don Pardo. Are you down? Yeah, you want to be down? Yes.

Okay, ready, on the count of three, we have to kiss each other. All right, ready, one, two, three. I will. I will. I do. All right, that's canonically, we're all in a polycule. Poor tampons inside each other. All right, we'll see you next time.

Thanks. Bye. Do that fade out.