Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Alex Fernie, Lily Sullivan, Hannah Pilkes

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

Author/historian Robert Caro joins Scott to talk about living and dead celebrities, James Bond movies, and to read a passage from his latest book on Lyndon B. Johnson. Then, the titular Bear from FX��s The Bear stops by to talk about getting cut out of the show. Plus, traveler Simone drops by from Holland to talk about commercials she has rewritten.  Get tickets for the Comedy Bang! Bang! Into Your Mouth Tour 2024 over at https://CBBWorld.com/tour

Open sesame! Or don't, I don't care as long as I get my waffles. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Miles Powers 86, the 86th iteration of Miles Powers. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. Sorry to say July month is over. July month, of course, where we did very special episodes that all took place in July and were released in July. That is over.

If you want to go back and listen to those, I believe there were approximately five episodes that took place in July month, very special July month episodes all released in July. Unfortunately, that is over and we have moved on to now some more episodes that have no theme. These next four, I believe, will all be released in August, but they have no theme. And we have a great show for you. Coming up a little later, we have a TV star. We also have a traveler.

So I mean, that's the kind of guest we've been getting. Stars are back, of course, not on this particular episode, although a TV star is not bad. But my name is Scott Aukerman, by the way, and we're gonna get to our first guest here. And this is, I really hope, this is a little something different. And you know, you hear Conan O'Brien,

he'll do this occasionally. He'll, you know him, he loves to like just flip around books, talking about Abraham Lincoln and the like, you know, and he loves to bring people who've written those books on his show and try to make you care about them. And I'm gonna do something very similar here because we have a historian or an historian.

That's a proper way to say an historian coming up. That's right. Yes. He's going to be telling us all about history. He's. Uh-huh. Yes. Do people do that to you a lot because you're almost every day? Yeah. Yeah. It becomes a problem if I'm in an Uber and I say what I'm doing, they'll do that.

They'll do that bad voice you just did. Bad, wait, bad voice? It's a bad voice. It's a bad voice? It's a bad voice. Oh, meaning it hurts your feelings? Is it technically accurate? No, it doesn't emotionally affect me at all.

It's just a bad voice. You can't be talking about the quality of it. You must be talking about the quantity of it. Both, I would say. Sometimes it's quality and quantity. Okay, but in this case, it's merely the quantity because the voice itself. And also quality, yes. Interesting.

We're going to have to agree to disagree on that. Do you agree to that? No. You're just going to disagree to disagree? As a historian, I need to have all the facts in front of me before I can decide on what truth is. I see. Well, let's welcome him to the show.

He is an historian. I don't know what particular era, although if you call yourself an historian, I think you gotta know about every single year that's ever existed up till now. Yeah, yeah, and I do. You do? Okay, well, let's talk about each and every one of them.

Please welcome to the show for the first time Robert Caro. Thank you for having me. So welcome. You know, I was on Conan's, I was on Conan's podcast. Yeah, this is the kind of thing that he would have, you were on that really. What were you talking about there? Lyndon Baines Johnson.

Oh boy. This guy. 36th president of the United States. Who gives their son a middle name Baines? Oh. First of all, too close to the Batman's arch nemesis Baines. Yes, which is something he struggled with throughout his entire life. Yeah, I can only imagine.

Like if someone, if my parents were to name me Scott the Penguin Ackerman. Yes, you have two paths, either well-dressed crime or waddling. Yeah, that's true, the two paths of a penguin. Robert Carrow, so wonderful to have you on this show. It's very exciting to have you on. I don't know much about history, so let's get into it.

What do I need to know? What's happened? A lot of things have happened, you know, and one of my things- You said a mouthful there. I mean, the world, as far as I can tell, is approximately 2,500 years old. Give or take.

And at least that's what a book I read said. Well once you get past 2,500 years it becomes the realm of science and not history, right? So once you get past it you're like, is there rocks? Conjecture. Everything was lava I assume. Yeah, yeah, because until that first cave painting went up there on the old cave wall. That's right.

Do they call, they just called them walls at the time, right? No, because I think sometimes there's probably just like, if a bunch of trees were together, they would think that was a wall. That was a wall too. Yeah, they were stupid people. They were so stupid. They were really dumb.

So what, up until that first cave painting, everything is just like theory. Yeah, theory and lava. We don't know, theory and lava. Who's to know? Who's to know, but then once people start documenting it, then we know that there's history. Yeah, once they start documenting it,

then we know there's people and there's buffaloes based on some cave paintings I've seen and whatever else would be there. And spears? Spears. Sometimes they're sticking out of a buffalo and you're like, oh, they got him. And that's theory again, right? We don't know for a fact, did the spears grow out of a buffalo and you're like, oh, they got him. And that's theory again, right?

We don't know for a fact, did the spears grow out of the buffalo and the people are chasing them to harvest them or were they throwing them into the buffalo and there's no way to know. Spears could have come from buffalo. Absolutely. We don't know.

That's right. Now when we see them, of course, they come from a factory. That's right. But back then they could have, yeah, they could be organic. They have to be somewhere. Exactly. So what period of history do you focus on?

Are you a- Mid-20th century American history. Okay. Yes, so I've written several books. I wrote one about Robert Moses and I've won the Pulitzer Prize twice. I don't even know who that is. This is the problem.

The great builder, one of the most powerful men in New York. That was ages ago when I wrote that book. Do all of your books have a disclaimer? Like, look, I know this happened a million years ago and you probably don't care, but it's in the tone. Please continue reading the way I write them. It's in the time. I'll be honest with you.

I'm so excited to be here because normally I do go on like I'll be on PBS or I'll be on NPR or something like that talking. I spent 50 years writing about Lyndon Baines Johnson and I am over it. Yeah. I am just done with this because this is a more fun sort of like loose. This is a more fun show. Yeah. Occasionally we'll have a, oh man, we love it when we have a movie star on this show. I would imagine.

Ugh. Glenn Powell. Glenn Powell. I mean, unfortunately, Glenn Powell's never done it, but. Alfred Molina. Molina, God, I would love to have him. I saw him, of course, on the stage. Joe Pantoliano.

Ah, Joey Pantz. Oh man, what I wouldn't give to talk to Joey Pantz. Helen Hunt. Helen Hunt is, you know, of course, she was on this season of Hacks, so where she's been demoted to a TV star. Of course, she was confidently a TV star and a movie star at the time, but now she's just a TV star and only a guest star. Yes. So, but- Well, I've named the ones I know. Those are the only four movie stars

you know? Living. All right, let's go through the dead ones. It's going to take a while. I'm a historian. So wait, is that part of history where you're figuring out what movies every person you're covering has what someone dies I care And before that then they're now and i'm a historian i'm not a nowian i'm a historian So when I didn't care about linden baines johnson at all until he died in the 70s And then I was like now up fuck it. I gotta learn about this guy. Well, this Brings me I guess to an interesting to me question Does that affect your personal life?

Oh, well, you know what in terms of in terms of like my wife, Ena? Yeah. Ena, she's alive. Yes. Do you care about her now? You know, that's a good question. Uh, in big picture, no, not even a little bit. Um, she's just a mere speck.

Right. But so am I, you know, she's a wonderful person. I love spending time with you. She's a great speck. Yeah. We're, we're, you're a speck too. You're, you're even even a smaller spec than she is because I don't think I'll remember this when I walk out The door like but then you'll die and I'll be like time to dedicate my life to remembering what he was doing Yeah

I mean do you find yourself a little emotionally distant from your wife and and you're just kind of waiting for her to die And then you'll pay attention. No, I think I'm very emotionally available But once she dies, it's a shame she won't be able to see how emotionally connected I will be to her memory. Are you attentive to her needs? Extremely. Sexual and other? Extremely.

I'm 88 years old and I've never been more attentive to sexual needs. That's good. You know what? We always improve. That's the thing. I would rather be made loved to by an 88 year old than a dumb 17 year old. You know what? Especially legally. Yeah. I feel like you're saying that knowing something's coming and I just...

Trying to get out ahead of the story. Yeah. I don't know if I want to be involved in this conversation. Yeah. So mid 20th century... So I've been working on a series of books called The Years of Lyndon Johnson. I put out four books so far. How many years was he on this earth? He was born in 1908 and he died in 1976. Yeah.

So that's a good like, that's not very long. Well, yeah, you've seen pictures of him. He didn't look healthy, but he had poor health towards the end. I'm working on the fifth book now, which takes us through His presidency and his post presidency years Vietnam must be like the interesting years. You know what I mean? I'm over it. Here's why I hate when I get it like a celebrity bio that they've written about themselves Autobiography and then they're like, oh man, you're so interesting And then it starts with four chapters of the like dumbest,

like, oh, I grew up and I was just a dumb kid. Like who gives a shit? Get to the part where you're special. Yes, that's what the part that we already know. I want that reinforced to me over and over and over. The stuff that I know about, just tell me that again. Yes, exactly. It's like everyone was a kid.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Mr. T, I don't want to know about it before the Mohawk. I want to know the Mohawk. I want to know the decision-making behind the Mohawk. Sure want to know the Mohawk. I want to know the decision making behind the Mohawk. Sure, start there. Start there. Then go up until now, go up till cloudy

with a chance of meatballs and then cut it. And then cut, yes. I mean, I don't know. It seems like maybe he did something interesting in the last couple of years, I don't know. I don't know, maybe. Maybe, who knows? Alive.

Hey, call me when you're Dr. T and you're women. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But Lyndon Baines, you're working on the presidency years. Yes, the last book and I gotta tell you right now, people love Pulitzer's National Book Awards. I got the Norman Mailer Prize. What is that? It's a prize named after Norman Mailer.

What are the? For writings. Meaning it's good? I assume, I hope so. I don't know, it could be like the Razzies. I hope it's not a Razzie Now that I think about it. I'll go back and read the award. Yeah, it might be it might be a Razzie Yeah, you don't want to be get one of those boys You really shook my confidence now if I've just been getting Razzies this whole time

I didn't even know about it that I'm the Pulitzer I think that's a good one Maybe but it's always a Pulitzer Prize for something and I never kept reading I just saw Pulitzer and I wonder if it says Pulitzer Prize for worst. Yeah. Oh my god for something and I never kept reading I just saw Pulitzer and I wonder if it says Pulitzer Prize for Worst. Yeah. Oh my god. Did they give it for bad books?

Jesus. Pulitzer Prize for Worst book we read this year. That would be awful. That would be terrible. I'd feel awful about myself. Yeah. But okay, go back and read those. But I'm confident that you do a good job with your books.

I am too. I spend so much time. Every book, they come out like 10 years apart. Every book, I just, I went and lived in the town where Lyndon Baines Johnson was, lived for a long time as a child to get to know the people for four years so that I could understand him when I wrote these books. And now I'm looking back, I'm 88 years old and it was a mistake. It was a regret of mine to spend so much time. I could have just Wikipediaed it and just cranked it out. That's the thing is, is when actors do that and they go like, oh, I talked to the actual person. I interviewed all their friends and stuff. You could just put on a funny voice and just, you know, roll cameras.

Yeah, exactly. In the Uber, they'll be like, you're the Jared Leto of history. And I'll be like, I don't wanna be the Jared Leto of history. And they'll be like, too bad you are. And then they'll do that voice you did, the bad voice. Yeah, yeah. Much like Jared Leto,

are you sending like bullets dipped in pig's blood to everyone you know? I mean, not exactly that because I don't want to steal the guy's bit, but yeah, I send things people don't like. We love our Lido. So it was a mistake. So for this book, are you doing a different process then?

Yeah, a little bit different. I was just kind of thinking about like, I'm a historian, but the books I like to read, it's exclusively like Tom France Clancy, you know James Patterson that sort of stuff and I was like, what about that? Dick Francis? I know Dick Francis What's he right? Is he he writes all those racetrack books? Is he a horse? The books about racetracks dick France you you can never tell cuz every every book he's put out. There's a picture of a Jockey and a horse. Yeah. Hold on.

Let me get a pen. Is Dick Francis the guy or is he the horse? Maybe that's one being. He's a centaur. He's a centaur. I think it's pronounced centaur. Although centaurs, it'd be a really unlucky centaur to have be both sides or heads. Yes.

No legs. Yes. But think of the eating you could do. You could just eat, eat, eat all day long and that would feel great. But you'd have to- Exactly. Hopefully you'd get a butt. Yes, but think of the eating you could do you could just yeah all day long Yeah, feel great, but you'd have to hopefully you'd get a butt. Oh Yes, I had to really like a bar center for a second to get to what you meant But yes, yes, so you have a different you like Tom Clancy you like these a John Grisham Did you know I love a John Grisham cuz why you know, here's my thing about history is what now?

I'm coming around in going towards 90. Why is it all going to be real? Why is it going to be true? Why can't history be fun? Exactly. Right. Why can't we just like make it, gussy it up a little bit? Like embellish, embellish, have fun, tell good stories. No one's ever like, ah, James Bond. The problem is he wasn't interacting with what was happening. And James Bond was actually a virgin. Yeah. No, we embellish a little bit and go like, oh, no, no.

He had sex with like, oh, no, he had sex with like a little, no, seriously, he had sex with like a lot, everywhere he went he was like, women threw him so- I'm glad you brought that up because we all know that the real James Bond was a virgin, that's just a well-known fact. Well, in history he was.

Yeah, in history. And all those, those, you know, spies and all that, you know, they're not good looking like that. No. Can you imagine James Bond showing up to a place and everyone going like, oh, look at him, he's the most handsome guy we've ever seen. Well then, you're attracting attention, which as a place and everyone going like, Look at him, he's the most handsome guy we've ever seen.

Well then you're attracting attention, which as a spy you don't want to do. Every single spy that I've ever met or indeed ever really imagined looks like, Oh, this is another actor I know. He's the guy who plays the functionary guy in Con Air who's like yelling at John Cusack. What's that guy's name? Functionary guy. He's like mad at John Cusack for like going off theack. What's that guy's name? Functionary guy. He's like mad at John Cusack for like going off the grid. What's that guy's name?

Colm? Oh, Colm Meany. Yeah, every spy looks like Colm Meany. Yeah, I would think so. Had him on this? I have not had Colm Meany on this. Too bad. But yeah, I mean, James Bond, it's like, here's the other thing about James Bond.

James Bond in these last James Bond movies, his major plan was get kidnapped by the villain and then somehow work my way out of it. That's not a good plan, James Bond. Almost always a bad plan in real life. And then the other thing is, every single one of these new James Bond movies, I'm talking about the previous James Bond, of course,

Daniel, whatever his name was, Daniel Craig. Yeah, guy with two first names. That's the other weird thing. Untrustworthy. His way out of every situation is he looks around the room and he finds a fire extinguisher and he shoots it and it goes... I don't think that can be true. I don't think that happens every time he gets in trouble.

It's every... Watch the first three of his movies. It happened so many times. Are those on streaming? They are. I well I don't. Where? I you know I have no idea actually. I only use Canopy so if they're on Canopy I'll check them out.

Why do you only use Canopy? Because I'm tied into this whole library historian thing. Oh okay. Canopy is the free library one. Oh that's right yeah yeah yeah you have a library card. I do have a library card. Do you just go and check out your own books? Over and over again. Oh a lot of demand. Yeah. You have a library card. I do have a library card. Just go and check out your own books over and over. A lot of demand. That's what the numbers are. Yeah. I understand. As I understand each one of those counts as a sale, I think. I think they might.

I have to assume so. So you're embellishing the truth now. So what do you have Lyndon Baines Johnson doing in these books? Well, if you want, I could read you a passage I would love that. That I did from this one. Let me just get a good one. a passage that I did from this one. Let me just get a good one. That's a thick, thick tome. Hold on. You can just turn those pages. You don't have to know them. No, not with my fingers. What's going on with those fingers? Oh, 88 years old. Yeah. What you it's like I'm growing more knuckles. Yeah. Is that happen? Really? Yeah. What happened to you within the next day? How old are you? 29 or so. Oh, somewhere around there. I Yeah, I'm here to you within the next day. How old you? 29 or so somewhere around there. I'm sorry, you know how your

You know how your nose and your ears grow after mine Well, no, they they continue to grow throughout your entire life. That's why old people have like really big noses and really long ears Yes, I thought the rest of the head shrunk. Did I know that wrong? You did. Yeah, you did know that wrong just the rest of the head shrunk. Did I know that wrong? Yeah, you did know that wrong. Just the rest of your head just stays the same. I was just thinking about like the people who have been really old historically like Methuselah. Just how big their nose is and how like their earlobes must be dangling down by their kneecaps. You put a lot of thought into this. I have. Yeah, just think about Methuselah and his earlobes.

My goodness. How old were you when you first thought of that? That's a little too old to be thinking about things like that. Read us a passage from this book and try to not clear your throat that much if it's possible. Eight years old. By the summer of 1967, Johnson's family in close confidence knew that- Okay, clear your throat one more time. I don't think I can listen. Okay, start over. Start over. By the summer of 1967, Johnson's family in close confidence knew that his failing health was threatening to be an issue, not only in the presidency, but also in his campaign for the 68 nomination. In September of that year, Johnson met with his family, Lady Bird, Lucy,

and Linda at their ranch in Stonewall. After discussing his deteriorating health's impact on whether or not he should run for another full term, Johnson retired to his study to contemplate his next moves. He was so focused on his thoughts that he didn't hear the padded footfalls of the assassin sent by the Tigerlily Consortium as he descended from the ceiling. The assassin unsheathed his curved blade, dripping with Komodo Dragon Venom, and located his target, square in the middle of LBJ's strong, muscular back. The murderous mercenary smiled as he imagined the bags of gold bullion his boss would give him for destroying the consortium's greatest enemy, Lyndon Baines Johnson. There was a disturbance in the air, flying right above

Johnson's head. He turned, just in time to see the arrow enter the assassin's eye, pinning him to the wood-paneled wall behind him. That was a close one, said a familiar but deeply sexual voice. Johnson looked at the door and saw Lady Bird Johnson there, standing, holding her patented hand crossbow. She crossed the floor to him, all curves and smolder. If I hadn't been here, Hubert would have been taking the oath of office by now. LBJ smiled. He swept the papers and top secret documents off the surface of his old wood desk, and he said, Lady Bird, hop up on here and let's do oral. And that's the difference. That sort of stuff, the beginning was kind of like what my old books used to be like.

And then I just took it in a place that I think is more interesting. How much of that actually happened? I imagine the beginning and then the oral stuff at the end. Yeah, I think so. I have to assume. I don't know if that's what triggered the oral, if it was just like a scheduled thing. I also assume that there's curved blades that assassins wield with Kalota Dragon. Yeah, I've seen them in comic books and stuff like that. Yeah, exactly.

Probably they would have. All myth is based on truth. Jordan Peterson said that. I know you know that. And so that's the sort of thing that I like to just work into all of my work. Okay, I had no idea that that was part of your thing. Um, I mean, it sounds very interesting. Honestly, it captured my attention and, uh, you know, are you sure that it's going to be able to be classified as nonfiction?

Oh, I don't care. I'll be dead. Look, I've got two Pulitzes, right? You have what, one? Oh, um, yeah, I mean, yeah,itzers, right? You have what, one? Oh, yeah, I mean, yeah, it's probably in the other room. Yeah, that's fine. So, you know, like that two is like, that's like, okay, it wasn't a fluke, right? So I can kind of do whatever I want now,

and I'm just gonna like go out in a blaze of glory. Let's just really mess up the record with what LBJ was up to. When you win the Pulitzer, do the photographers who are taking pictures of you, do they say kiss it? Like, let's get one of you kissing it. Everyone says that to me. They do that with the Oscar too and with every word. They're always like, get one where you

kiss it. And then there's a really embarrassing picture of you out there going, mwah, mwah. And at the Pulitzer, it looks like a big old coin or something like that. So it doesn't even make like, at least the Oscar Oscar like that's a hunky man. That's a guy. Yeah. A big old sword, right? Yeah. Yeah, he has that big old sword

like covered in his dong. Yeah, that's dangerous. Can you imagine like maybe his dong went all the way down to his toes and that's why he knew that sword. They had given him a dagger, it's like not gonna work. They're giving him a scimitar, not gonna work.

Hey, when there's two guys on a podcast we end up getting there So you think you're gonna die soon Statistically, yes, we all are, you know in the grand historical scheme of things although what if you were the one person who didn't die in that the whole world was actually created by you and you know, solipsism, where the world will perhaps cease to exist when you cease to exist. Yeah, so I'm gonna stop you right now because you're gonna get into how big my earlobes will be and I don't want to keep having that conversation with you, okay? I don't know what it is.

I just want to see your eyes light up every time you start talking about it. I wanted to like just sort of Photoshop this picture of you and show you, give you an example. I don't want to look at that picture. I don't want to look at that picture, no. All right. Well, this is fascinating stuff. Thank you. And this particular volume is where you start this new style or?

Yes, this new style. And I was gonna end with five, but I think I might do more. This one's gonna be called the years of Lyndon Johnson, the Nightblade protocol. And it's a little bit different from the other ones, which were past power and means of ascent. And I just think like this probably,

this can kind of fulfill itself. This can be like a James Patterson thing where like, I can write this one and then just pay a guy to write more and they'll just put my name on there. Yeah, what is the Nightblade Protocol? The Nightblade, this is great. And I don't want to give away all the twists and turns, but there's a lot of twists and turns.

But give away most of them. Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. So in this one the the fiendish dr. Cancero has taken over a nuclear submarine Oh, and it's dangerous in the wrong hand They're one of the most dangerous things you can put in the wrong hands that I can imagine exactly because everyone's like always looking up for Nuclear bombs comes below comes below but my understanding and I have this is I haven't done a lot of research I still have to do this but like the threat with the nuclear submarine is if you're in a boat and then it shoots the missile up and it just nuclearizes your boat, that's the problem because it comes

from below. But wouldn't it nuclearize the submarine too? If the water protects it? Water protects it. Oh, should we all be living underwater? Ideally, in a perfect world, yeah. Yeah. I imagine. It'd be nice to look out your window instead of seeing like birds and stupid shit like that be oh there's an octopus

this is a good I'm glad I'm on here now before I was on the fence but now I thought cuz I fucking love fish and I hate birds yeah so much that's right but I mean birds what it what first of all birds they like they have they're just not sanitary they poop and then they don't care and it gets on you and it's poop and pee it's all together yeah it it's poop and pee, it's all together. It all comes out the same hole and it's all together and they just mix it all up and I don't like thinking about it but I do.

But then fish, they're pooping all the time and it's just like, you know what, all right. It floats away. Yeah. Doesn't just fall down. Bye bye. Bye, that's the dream. Oh man, if your poop floated away. Amazing.

Instead of having, like gravity is the enemy of poop. Mm-hmm. Can you imagine? I've said it before. Can you imagine instead of having to sit down 12 times a day like we all do. Like we all do. And pooping, if we were just able to like stand up, oh, I have to go, you let down a flap in the back of your jeans and it just floats away

That's a make you know This isn't because when I won the Carl Sandberg award my speech was focused on like what if our proof loaded away and people Hated it and they thought like I don't know what this is they didn't understand it But it's nice just to meet someone who's on the same page as me about what would make life better. Yeah Well, there's you know, we have some time left on this earth before it all gets. Not much. Not much. Historically speaking. But hopefully we can invent these kinds of things.

Look, Robert, we have to take a break if that's okay. We have a TV star on the show. Oh boy. As well as a traveler. This is an exciting show. A traveler? Yeah, a traveler. Wow.

Yeah, have you ever traveled anywhere? No. Do you play basketball? Yeah, oh yeah, I play basketball. So you've never anywhere? No. Do you play basketball? Yeah, I play basketball. So you've never traveled? No, I'm the best. I've never once hit a basket, but I've never traveled. Okay. Well, you may not have a lot in common with that guest,

but they're going to be here nonetheless. When we come back, we're going to have more Robert Caro, a TV star and a traveler. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, this. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Robert Caro here. Hello.

Famous historian, was on Conan's podcast. That's right. Didn't have a lot of fun there, I'd imagine. And you- No, he seemed like a nice guy, but it, you know. Yeah, nice guy, but- He just wanted to talk about all the history stuff. And I was like-

He's too thirsty for that. Yeah, tell me about Slip Nuts and he wouldn't do it. Yeah. What about Slip Nuts? I don't know. He never told you? He you he wouldn't tell me baby. I kept saying over What did you want to know about slip? No, what did I do? Like what was it? Yeah, what was the thinking behind it? Oh, what was the thing? Yeah, it was probably like hey, let's think of something funny. Uh-huh and then they would slip nuts Yeah, great. This is great. This is the sort of stuff I live for he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't do it man

He's plumbing you for information. He wouldn't even talk about slip nuts? Not reciprocal, unlike my relationship with Ida, which is very reciprocal and always. Okay, great to know. So you spend as much time down there as she spends down there as well. That's right, yeah. Equal amount of time?

We have a chess clock that we just tap in and out. So that we know. Hey, king me. Yeah. No. No. No. That's not, that's checkers actually. Yes, I know. I didn't say it, you. Yeah, no, no, no. That's not that that's checkers actually. Yes, I know. I didn't say it. Yes, it actually like I'm the one who said that.

No, I'm sorry, Robert, but that's checker. I'm not I'm not the one who said King me. All right, well, we do need to get to our next guest. This is very exciting. There's a very popular TV show out there. Won several awards recently and was nominated for several more just recently. And we have the star of the show here.

The show I'm talking about, of course, is FX is the Bear. And we have the star of the show here. Please welcome the bear. They cut me out, Scott. They cut me out of the bear. Yeah, you got that wrong. They cut me out. the bear. Yeah, you got that wrong. They cut me out. Hi.

I... How are ya? I'm good. I'm sorry. I expected when I said the titular bear, I thought I was introducing that guy who's in the underwear ads. What's his name? Jeremy Allen White.

You knew that really quickly. It's not me. I'm not Jeremy Allen White. You're an actual quickly. It's not me, I'm not Jeremy Allen White. You're an actual- I'm an actual bear. Wow. Yeah. It's been a really rough couple years for me.

I don't know how safe I feel being in a tiny enclosed space with an actual bear. I'm not gonna hurt ya. The way you said that makes me- Hey! Hey, come on! I'm not gonna hurt ya, bear! Come on, girl. Oh my god. We're all gonna die at some point. The way you said that makes me... Hey! Hey, come on! I'm not gonna hurt your bar! Come on, bro!

Oh my god! We're all gonna die at some point. You might as well just... So you don't even care? So is your point why even try to prolong it? Like, do you just walk out into the middle of the street or if it's a red crosswalk? I'm still here, so yeah, just don't fight it. Like we're here doing a podcast with this bear who I think looks friendly.

I wasn't threatened at all, just so you know. Yeah, no. It's all good. So yeah, just... Yeah, you're like one of those Berenstein bears or whatever they're called. What? Well, I'm actually, you know, I got my start with Cocaine Bear. Oh, you were Cocaine Bear?

I was Cocaine Bear. I thought I recognized you. Yeah, yeah. You know, I went full method for Cocaine Bear. Full method? What does that mean? That means I'm doing cocaine day in, day out, night till dawn. Dawn till day, day till night, and then dawn again. I don't think those are, yeah, different time periods.

Those are all the same time period. I mean, it sounds more like you had a problem. I would call it an actor's joy. An actor's joy. When did you start doing the cocaine? Was this before you even? I started early. I've been prepared for this role since his teenage years. Okay, no, you just have a cocaine habit. And I just kept on going all types,

not even just cocaine, heroin, what else? Are you on any of these right now? Right now, no. I'm just on OxyContin. Okay, this is all right then. I'm sober right now. I just had a couple cocktails. If you're on Oxycontin. Okay, this is all right then. I'm sober right now. I just had a couple cocktails. If you're on Oxy and cocktails, you're not sober.

You're a bear, right? How much Oxy do you have to take to feel it? Quite a bit. Quite a bit. I'm about 2,000 pounds. I'm 9 feet long. One ton. I'm one ton. And obviously this is my thinnest I've been in a while. Because I've been using so much. I always never know what to say there. Should I've been using so much. Oh, okay.

I always know, never know what to say there. Should I say you look great or I don't want to feel like I'm judging? No, I like it. Go ahead, tell me I look great. You look great. Thin is beautiful, especially in this town. Have you, so you're a cocaine bear.

I mean, obviously we recognize you. Yeah. That's, yeah. That was my breakout role. That had me moving to Hollywood. I said, all right, this is it. I'm gonna get my big break. I get cast on the bear day I landed in LA.

You, oh wow. They say you gotta go to Chicago. I'm like, okay, back home I go. Cause you know I'm from Chicago originally. No, I didn't know that way. Yeah, I'm from Chicago originally. My mom was the first bear from the football team, the Bears. She started the Bears.

That's another sketch. Did that start as a group of Bears and then it turned into a football team, the Bears. She started the Bears. That's another sketch. Did that start as a group of Bears and then it turned into a football team? It did start. The game football originated with a group of Bears playing with the old, with the pig. Everybody knows that, Scott. Oh, the pig skin.

The pig skin was originally a little pig, preferably a baby. That's right. Little piglet. I used to go to those games, I'm very old, and I used to go to those games all the time and it was amazing. You just sit in the audience and they just let a little piglet out and a bunch of bears.

And it was all about trying to catch the pig? Catch the pig, throw the pig around, fuck the pig. Just that kind of stuff. Fuck the pig? What? Just typical football stuff. Obviously, too many bears were getting concussions, too many were getting CTE. Wait, you're concerned about the bears and not the pig that's getting fucked and brutalized. It's a pig. It's football

Can dream so wait your mom was one of those bears Regulation I love how progressive it was originally, now it's just men. Exactly, exactly. It's just so narrow-minded. And then my dad, of course, you could call me a bit of an epo-baby, because my dad was in Grizzly Man. Grizzly Man. That's right. Grizzly Man, the documentary.

That particular... He was the bear that killed them. He was the bear. The bear that ate them. Oh, wow. And he got cut out, too. He got cut out, too. Yeah.

It's a real trend in my family They just use the audio from that they just use audio of them screaming you can hear him. You can hear him go Yeah, wow, can I just hear that was because you're a bear so this should sound accurate to a bear I would just love to hear that sound again that bear makes to a bear. I would just love to hear that sound again, that bear makes... Raaarrr! Terrifying! Raaarrr! Oh my goodness.

To hear it right here in the room. To a bear. I don't know if it's going to translate over the mic, but here it's just... Raaarrr! Well, we have those kind of mics that compress the sound. Both your hats flew off your head. Yeah, exactly. Well, that was a surprise. Oh no!

Scott's got another hat on underneath that. I don't, I'm embarrassed. Oh my God, you're bald as hell. No, stop, stop! Don't look, don't look! That was a hat slash toupee, huh? I needed that. Where did it go? Scott, it's under your desk. Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh my God, I'm embarrassed. Oh my God, you're bald as hell. No, stop, stop, don't look, don't look. That was a hat slash toupee, huh? I needed that, where'd it go?

Scott, it's under your desk, move, move. You should not connect your toupee to your hat. I had to, because it wouldn't stay on. Yeah. Wow, so that's, I mean, you have a long lineage in show business. You'd think that would have been my ticket in, Scott, but instead they cut me.

So what happened, because I've seen The Bear, obviously. Obviously you've seen it, it seems like you've seen every side of it. Yeah, huge hit, and it stars that Jeremy. Jeremy Allen White. Yeah, Jeremy Allen White. The call sheet was Jeremy Allen White, then it was me at number two,

then it was Io, then below that it was a guy from Girls, then below that it was the guy that's the celebrity chef slash actor now. Is that what they call them on the call sheet? a guy from Girls, then below that it was the guy that's the celebrity chef slash actor now. Is that what they call them on the call sheet? The guy from Girls? That's what they call them. The guy who ate out Alison Williams' ass. Friend of the show.

Friend of the show. Then it's obviously that celebrity chef guy we all love. How do you feel like when you get the script to that? Not in her part, but I mean as the guy. When you get the part where it's like, you need to eat out the ass? Yeah, I feel weird about it. I've eaten out some ass before on camera

for the Charmin commercials that I did. Oh, you did Charmin commercials? Yeah, did I tell you this? I can't remember. Let's go over it just in case. Yeah, I did the Charmin commercials. That's how I got my start. I was doing small time stuff. Let's go over it just in case. Yeah, I did the Charmin commercials. That's how I got my start.

I was doing small time stuff. This is back when there were live action commercials before they became animated as they are now. So most of the audition was either rubbing your ass on the tree or eating out some ass just to make sure it's awkward. Wait, that's what Charmin used to be? Instead of tissue, it was eat out an ass instead? Well, it was kind of this idea that, you know, when you use Charmin, it's gonna be just as good

as a bear eating out another bear's ass. That tells it. I get it. Okay, I understand. I guess. I mean, back then, the TP was flying off the shelves. Now, you know, after COVID, Yeah, people don't use it anymore. People don't use TP anymore. They all got bidets. Interesting. Isn't that fascinating? Wow. So don't use TB anymore. They all got the days. Interesting.

Isn't that fascinating? Wow. So tell me about your part in the show, The Bear. I got cut out, Scott. What happened? I got cut out is what happened. Were you like a bear who terrorizes the restaurant or? No, no, I was a line cook.

I was there making the steak, cutting the carrots, making up the Italian beef sandwich. I'm the one who turns to Jeremy Allen White and I say, car me. Car me. Do they call him Carmy on this show? Is that his name? That's his name. He should just call him Jeremy Allen White. That's what I said. That's the thing, he has such great branding. We all know him now because he was so great in The Bear. Jeremy Allen White. They should just call him Jeremy Allen White. Call him Jeremy Allen White. You know what I mean? That's who I want to be seeing a show about.

Thank you for saying that because I think I did too many takes where I said, Jeremy Allen White, I think we turn this into a fine dining restaurant. Yeah. It makes the most sense. So you were the one who told him this. It was supposed to be my idea.

I turned to him, we're in the middle of chaos, right? It's a chaotic Friday night. Oh, gotta make the Italian beef, let's go. Come on, yes, chef. I go, hang on a minute. Look at me, Jeremy Allen Boy. Let's make this a fine dining restaurant. And they cut that out.

Now it's just, Carmy has the idea to make it into the fine dining. No, that's not his idea. When do you see me? This is a surprising, by the way, they didn't give me a heads up about getting cut out at all. I had to find out just like everybody else with all nine episodes drop on Hulu,

I'm sitting there with my family, watching with eager eyes in my cave. What happens? Nothing. You call those walls, by the way. Yeah. Or cave walls. We call them cave walls.

Yeah, okay. It's just easier. Yeah. How? It's just easier because there's two words., okay. It's just easier. Yeah, how? It's just easier because there's two words. More syllables. It's just easier saying two words. Oh, okay. So this is terrible.

I mean, this is not Carmy's idea. It's not Carmy's idea. No, this is the bear's idea. And I mean, this is the other thing. I just, I had a real relationship with Jeremy Allen White. We were close. Really?

You were bros? We were bros. I would go, we'd be wearing Allen white. We were close. We really you're gross. We were gross I would go we'd be wearing two, uh Wifebeater tank tops. I know don't say wife beater whatever Wearing those tank tops, but what else are we supposed to call them? They are the typical uniform of a person Who? Go ahead. You say it. I don't want to steal your thunder. No, no, no. Please, please. I'm begging you. I'm begging you. You tell us. You say it. I'll settle this. Scott say it.

Bezos wife. Exactly, exactly. We used to go, and we'd go to Kingston Mines in Chicago. See some jazz. See some blues. Oh, that sounds so fun. First jazz, some blues. Oh that sounds so fun. We go first jazz then blues My two favorite types of music back-to-back we go to the bean look at ourselves in the reflection Oh, man, we would jump in Lake Michigan butt ass naked except for our wife Peter think

I'm loving picture in a bear just wearing one of those shirts by yeah Well, that's originally if you look at Winnie the Pooh, that's how we used to dress back in the day. Oh, it's a historical thing. It's a historical outfit. All shirt, no pants. It's kind of a traditional garb for us. It's what we wear for like holidays.

Yeah, so when they started making you wear pants, that must have been such a bummer. Circus times. It was circus times. Circus times. Circus times, they started putting us in pants. Yeah. But obviously, Scott, I mean, I'm bummed. I mean, they caught me out, I find out like this,

and I was heartbroken. I can only imagine, you told your entire family, you're like, I got, this part was supposed to change your life. And at this point, you know, I'm living in LA, I'm in a one bedroom with six other guys in East Hollywood. Six other bears or? Just normal human men.

So that's the baseline for you? You know you're weird. Yeah, I'm like a Brian for family guy. I like to be around, I'm a human guy. In my group of friends, I'm the Brian. I'm the Stewie. Yeah, I can see that. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, you see that. Yeah, it's cool, right? Yeah. What about in Sex and City characters? Who are you in that? Well, I guess I'm a bit of a Miranda. Are you really? What about you?

Mr. Big. Hell yeah, buddy. So this is awful. Have you gotten into contact with Jeremy Ellen White? I text him, you know, he used to be like, let's get dinner, let's get coffee. I text him, silence, silence. Man.

And I'm like, now, you know, I'm auditioning, not hearing a fricking thing. Are you auditioning for mainly bear roles or are you auditioning, have you branched out to human roles? I've been branching out, I've been doing a lot of Glenn Powell stuff. Oh yeah, movie star. What does that mean?

You've been doing Glenn Powell stuff, like movies he's already done? Yeah, just trying to audition for stuff that he's already made. Twisters. But now I'm mostly making most of my money working as a flight attendant for those flights where the guys go to Turkey they get their hair plugs Oh, I don't know about these whole flights. You don't know about these. No Okay. Well basically, oh that really spelled itself because I am very Know these no, I don't know. Basically imagine an entire plane ride full of bald men

Can't do it. We fly over to turn more aerodynamic probably we fly over to Turkey. We plug them full of bald men. Can't do it. We fly over to Turkey. It'd be more aerodynamic probably. We fly over to Turkey. We plug them full of plugs. Okay. We load them back up on the air bus. We fly them back. They all have to travel together? They all travel together.

It's like all inclusive. Are the Turkish people notoriously good at putting in hair plugs? At this point, yes. Wow. And we're getting pretty good. It's because there's no regulations, I bet. That's right. Too many regulations here in America. We'll talk about that more. Robert

Caro. I'm sure you agree. Happy to. I haven't heard about these. And we're doing the height surgeries. To make people shorter or taller? Taller. For guys. We're breaking their legs in multiple parts. Taller for guys, shorter for women. Because the idea was a nice- Is that Jordan Peterson again? See, I knew it. It was a nice short short woman. With women, it's awesome because you just cut their feet off. Yeah. They're done.

They're good to go. You're done. Bye. You're done. You're cooked. For a guy, we break their legs in multiple places. We stretch them out. Wow.

We put the braces on. They heal eventually. Yeah. And then they're about, they got a good like two feet extra in their legs. How do they break the, I've always wondered that. Like, you know, I would hope that they put them under, you know, but then I can only imagine them taking out

a big sledgehammer or something, like, here we go! Whoosh! Yeah, they, I mean, at this point, I think they're used to mostly laughing gas, so everybody's just cracking up in there, doctors included. Sounds like good times. Sounds so fun. Man, I'd love to go.

Yeah, but they cut me out, Scott. So this is what I'm doing. It's not my dream, obviously. I'm so sorry. My dream. What is your dream? To be Glenn Powell. Sure. Yeah.

I mean, he already exists though, so I don't know. Do you know who Glenn Powell is? Sorry, he's a movie star. I brought him up earlier. Oh, okay, so he's one of the guys you know? Yeah, I love Glenn Powell. Oh, he's one of the first guys you brought. Oh, yeah, Hitman, Twisters, Top Gun, Maverick.

Everybody wants some! About a, no, what was that one? About a night of the- Oh, the one, I'm mad at Sidney Sweeney. Sidney Sweeney. Why are you mad at Sidney Sweeney? I'm not mad, that was the movie. I'm mad at Sidney Sweeney. I'm mad at Sidney Sweeney. I'm pretend to be mad.

I think that movie was written by AI. Yeah. What do you think about that? What's AI stand for? Alligator intestine. Then yes. Boy, you're hungry right now. I am, ah!

Ah! Okay, sorry. My hat, my hat. Oh, you're hat, oh no. Oh, well this is terrible stuff. I'm so sorry to hear about it. Yeah, it's a bummer. It's, I mean it's Hollywood, right?

It's, I'm trying to get new headshots. I'm trying to get new... Honestly, you could just draw a cartoon of a bear and it would probably, no one, I mean, this is not, hopefully not speciesist. Are you trying to say that we all look alike? Yeah, honestly, I mean, I don't think I would be able to tell you from Yogi.

Wow. At this point. Were you in that Yogi Bear movie? I was be able to tell you from Yogi at this point. Were you in that Yogi Bear movie? I was in the Yogi Bear movie. That's so awesome. I was an extra. You just see me walking by. Walking by, but that's still, that's something.

You gotta break into the business. Exactly, you gotta start small, you gotta start small. But it's just the way the bear used me. I mean, I'm just in a cage. You just see me in a cage at one point on the middle of the bridge. And was that, let me ask you, was that like footage of you at lunch or something that they just like stole footage of you on your break? Well, this is the thing, you know, my agent was

supposed to get me a trailer instead they're like, all I could get you was a cage this time. And you're like, I mean, I'm so used to it. You know, obviously I don't like the look of being a cage. It's pretty stereotypical. Yeah. But anytime I've seen a bear, it's been in a cage. One time I saw a bear in the mountains at an apple orchard and a bunch of teens were throwing acorns at it. Bunch of losers, why were they doing that?

I don't know, but I think about it all the time. So they just get you, instead of a trailer, you show up, there's a cage. Then I didn't even realize cameras were on me, secret cameras at night when I'm just waiting around, waiting around for my scene, my next scene. And that's all they use. That's all the footage that they got of me. This is rude. And it's just like, you know, watch now I'm seeing Jeremy Allen White with that, you know,

like I said, that freaking Calvin Klein stuff. Like that's supposed to be me. That's supposed to be- You were supposed to be in the Calvin Klein ad. Yeah. He looks good in it though, right? Doesn't he? He looks hot as hell.

Don't you think? How'd you think? How many hours does he work out a day? Do you think? He probably starts with, he's probably got like at least a three. You ever see that Mark Wahlberg documentary about how he gets up at three in the morning

just to work out for five hours before shooting? No, I didn't see that Mark Wahlberg documentary about how he gets up at three in the morning just to work out for five hours before shooting? No, I didn't see that. I would kill myself. I don't think it's worth it being a movie star. What's your regimen looking like? I do wake up in the morning, if that's what you're asking. What time you getting up in the morning? You know, occasionally six or so.

Yeah, when does the workout start? What's up in the morning? You know, occasionally six or so. Yeah. When does the workout start? Well, I can tell you when it ends. Well, look, the bear, I'm so sorry to hear all the day. It's terrible stuff, but in human history, Robert, this kind of stuff happens all the time. All the time. And none of it matters.

No, nothing matters. Yeah. Nothing matters. No, we're insignificant. Nothingness. Has anyone ever existed in history that's mattered? Oh boy. Who?

In Three's Company, it was John Ritter. Janet. Who played Janet? What's her name? Sydney Sweeney. Was it? Yeah. Sydney Sweeney? Sydney Sweeney from Was it? Yeah. Sydney Sweeney?

Sydney Sweeney from Three's Company mattered. Is that who I'm thinking of? I don't think so. Well, you got Chrissy who was Suzanne Summer's, right? Yeah, I know that. Who played Janet? She had the dark hair. I don't believe for an instant you don't know this, Scott.

Who played Janet? She was very, she was like a caretaker to Jack. I just, when I imagine her, I imagine her saying, oh, Jack. Well, I put myself wrong. She clearly didn't matter based on the fact that. Yeah, none of us can remember who she is. Well, too bad.

Well, we need to take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have a traveler. This is very exciting. Have you, Bear, you've traveled ever? Yeah, I traveled all over. Where you been? I've been to Japan. Cool, what'd you do there?

I went to the 7-Eleven. I had one of those egg sandwiches. Oh, and then flight back? And then I flew back, yeah. Wow. Yeah, well. Jet set. Wow.

Wow. Right! Oh, look at that, your bonnet flew off, Scott. I think there's a bee in it. We're gonna come right back, we'll have more with Robert Carroll, more with the bear, and a traveler. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this Comedy bang bang we're back Robert Caro historian is here and you've been writing

This entire time. That's right. What's what are you are you writing down what we're doing? Like are we no? I just inspired by you know, like well first of all, I'm keeping the history of what's happening here for when you die Okay, but then in addition to that, I'm just writing down thoughts and ideas for future Lyndon Baines Johnson books Yeah, so he's gonna be sort of like the the Jack what was his name in the Tom Clancy books Jack Jack Ryan? Yeah. I was thinking during that bear scene I was thinking about bears and then I was thinking about animals I was like what if he's like what if his enemy is like a sexy snake lady? Yeah, you know snakes for arms or snakes just snakes all over and then part is like, how do we get it?

How do I defeat the snake? But also I'm aroused but then there's ladybird back home on her own mission She's a spy in my world, too. Is he always like true to ladybird? Eventually emotionally fuck around? Oh, emotionally. Emotionally, but they know the life they've signed up for. Are they, they have a non-monogamous relationship. That's right, as long as it's in the line of duty protecting the stars and bars. Yeah, wonderful.

Isn't it beautiful? I love that. Yeah. Yeah, I have that sort of relationship myself. As long as it's protecting the stars and bars. It's a healthy way to live. I'm good to do. Unfortunately, it's never come up for me.

You never know. Out there on a comedy tour. It's a healthy way to live. I'm good to do. Unfortunately, it's never come up for me. You never know. Out there on a comedy tour. It's never happened. But we also have the bear here. Ah! Oh, gosh. They cut me out, Scott. They cut me out.

I know they did. We talked about this in the last segment. Are you ready to talk to our traveler here? Yeah, I'm ready. Let's do it. All right. Let's steel ourselves. We have a traveler here. Please welcome Simone. ready let's do it. All right let's steel ourselves we have a traveler here please welcome Simone. Hello Scott, hello bear, hello

history. Hi Simone it's so great to meet you. Hopped up the plane at LAX in my wooden shoes and a vest. Oh yeah you are wearing wooden shoes and a vest is that from the country in which you reside or? That's from the Netherlands. If it wasn't for the dams, would be underwater. Too sensitive of a subject. I don't know what you mean by it. So it's not too sensitive for me.

If it wasn't for the Netherlands, what would be underwater? Holland. Holland would be underwater. Do you know that, Mr. History? I know what Holland is. I have to say, you said- That's the bare minimum. Yeah. I know what Holland is. I have to say, you said- That's the bare minimum.

Yeah. I know what Holland is. Don't say that, don't say that. Oh, sorry, bad. You'd be surprised. A lot of people don't know what they say to Dutch, and that's the Pennsylvania Dutch, which is different. How are they different?

You know, Mr. History. Oh, that's right, I do know. No, it's because Pennsylvania Dutch is in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, that's more German, and the Netherlands is Holland, which would be underwater. If not for the dams. The dams, yeah. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. But in this case, we'll take it.

I could not wait to get to the United States. I'm loving this place. I ran to my hotel, the Motel 9. Oh, is the sign broken? I'm staying there. Or are you upside down? It's 8 plus plus. Oh, OK.

What are you doing here? Are you just visiting? Are you a tourist? I'm moving here. I got a work visa. Oh, where are you working? Well, I'll tell you. It's funny that the bear brought up commercials

because I taught myself English, listening to commercials. Oh, which ones? I will tell you. By the way, from here on in, you don't need to say, well, I'll tell you because I presume that you are gonna tell me once I've asked a question.

Well, I'm gonna let you know what I'm gonna tell you next. This is better. Skull rockers, man. So I was listening to commercials and I said to myself, these commercials not making sense to international markets. So I called up the US government and I said, let me rewrite in these commercials slogans so that they understanding it in Europe, in Japan, all over the world.

Okay so which commercials have you been working on? Okay well I just worked on Bounty cause it used to be Bounty, Quicker, Speaker, Rapper and now it's Bounty is the quickest way to picking up the stuff like Jelly Mountain Dew or pee of a small child. Okay I mean it's certainly more informational. Yeah. Got milk? Is the cow's booby giving you that good stuff you like or not today? It's the cow's choice, milk.

It's good that you're checking in with the cow for consent. Yeah, consent. And no one, we're not talking about it's the cow's choice. No. No, we're not. No. The cow has the right. Bear, do you need to give consent

for anyone to do anything to you? Did you want some of my milk? You have milk? It's your choice, I gotta tell you this. It's your choice. Let me pour you a cup of my milk, Scott. Okay. I'd like to watch.

Oh, right in my eye, come on. Oh, I'm drinking from the fountain of it. Oh, man. Sweeter than I would've thought. Yeah, yeah. Plus, what have you been eating? A lot of asparagus? What exactly is this?

Yeah, I eat a lot of asparagus. I eat a lot of, I eat a lot of greens, a lot of grass. Fiber. Fiber. And then obviously cats, dogs. Oh, sure. You're like Alf in that respect. Yeah. Yeah.

So you have another commercial that you've been working on? Oh yeah, McDonald's. Bada-bop-bop-bop. I'm enjoying this food, I swear. B da ba ba ba. I'm enjoying this food. I swear. Ba ba. I have a little ba ba at the end.

I like the ba ba. These are translations? Sorry? Yes, from Holland. Yes. Geef hem gewoon deze. Bom ba ba. It's beautiful in its native tone.

Oh, thank you. I love the Dutch language. It's always gok en loegies. Go doep. Sorry, Scott. It's you in the eye again.ies. Hoh, doep, sorry, Scott. Hits you in the eye again. Oh God, milk mixed, mingling with your saliva. I got a lot of acidity in my spit.

Yeah, exactly. Well, this sounds great. I mean, and people have bought these. Not yet, but I'm doing a big peach presentation. I'm talking Excel, I'm talking PowerPoint. And I'm gonna be doing it at the consulate. At the consulate, oh, at the, I guess, the Holland consulate? Oh, US consulate.

US consulate. I had to get out of Holland, I did a bad thing. Oh. Uh-oh. Should we ask for that? Guess, guess, guess. Guess? Oh.

Ooh, uh-uh. I mean, this starts small, I guess. Stole a child. Stole a child is small? They're tidy. Warm. Warm, oh no. Stole a teenager?

Warmer. Stole an old man? I robbed an orphanage. Oh, wow. Of their children or of money that was that orphanage? I took the money from the cash register and all the cute kids. Why did that happen? I hate it when you go to an orphanage and they have that cash register right there.

They never know how to work it. I know. Their fingers are too small in those things. I gotta tell you what else I did. I stole the money from the register, I stole all the cute kids and I brought them over here. You have, how many kids did you bring with you? Half a bushel dozen.

How that's a lot of kids. Yeah. Sounds good. I mean, Oh yeah, you can have a couple if you like. I try to get them in the modeling, but the ones that are not so cute, you can eat them. Perfect. I love it. It's a deal.

Let's shake on it. Ah, yes. The sound effect for a shoop. A paw shaking a hand. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Give a high five. Shoop, shoop, boing. Like a good neighbor next door who's popping by. Stake farms.

These are wonderful. And these are just purely, you didn't think that they were informational enough for audiences to really understand these in other languages. They came to me in a dream. Because the English language- Martin had a dream. Oh, that's true, Martin. Say quickly, Luther King.

I didn't know what we were supposed to say. Yeah. Wow, Mr. History, what do you know? Yeah, wait, you don't know about Martin Luther King? Five things that you know. Five things that I know? That my wife is a fuck machine. Okay, number two.

All right, high five. Coming in in a second. Boink, boink, boink. Boink, boink, boink. Boink, boink, boink. Boink, boink, boink. Boink, boink, boink. Boink, boink, boink.

Boink, boink, boink. Boink, boink, boink. Boink, boink, boink. So yeah, what was your dream? This came to you of like, this is a thing that we need to do or? It came to me after I did a bad thing and I had to leave the country. And also I love America. I think nothing bad's going on here.

City of opportunity. Perfect time to come. It's such a good time. It's so calm here and I needed a vacation. Yeah, no, it's beautiful here. It's beautiful this time of year. I love Hollywood Boulevard. the people peeing in the street Every star just total P fest. I love it in Holland

We are going to the beach topless, but here everyone no bottoms peeing when they want Everybody's winning the pooing it. That's yeah. I mean, that's just a particular stretch of Hollywood Boulevard And the bear of course. God, I to star. The bear are your bottoms. I want to star so bad. I took my bottoms off when I came in. Hope you don't mind, Scott. No, it's good. Yeah, get comfortable.

Do you mind if I take it off my bottoms? I do. Oh, Scarlet commands. I'll keep them. Yeah, keep them on, please. Can I ask you? Keep the tops on as well. Did you ever do, I had a Charmin commercial back in the day.

I'm going to describe it to you. Oh, with the eating this one Yes. Yeah, so it's it's me this other this other bear guy We're we're in a public restroom And I wrote the slogan to that one Yeah, and we both I think I climb underneath the stall into his stall and I started eating his ass That's right. And then he's like hidden camera footage. How long was this spot? When the band-

Oh, it was short. It was like four or five minutes. It was a pretty short spot, yeah. Yeah, did you do that one? Yeah. At the end it says Charmin. When you want to get in there and explore, I'm talking about assholes. I sort of remember this, yeah.

Yeah. I only watch Canopy. So I haven't seen commercials. Okay, well this is how I feel. There are commercials on Canopy? No commercials on Canopy. Is there a paywall? There's no paywall, but you have a certain...

You have a library card. You go get a library card, and then you can use it, and there's a certain number of things that you can watch, and a lot of them are very good, but not all of them are very good. It's like nine credits or something like that. It's something like that, it's like nine credits, yeah, so you can watch that and you can watch, you know, very like Odd Squad, the children's television show from Canada. Classy. You familiar? Not familiar of any Canadian children's show. I didn't get a spot on that. Oh really?

What did you play? I played the bear who came in and basically chased all the kids. Oh yeah! Is this the final episode? She just chased them all out. Chased them all out. And their show's over. Yeah, that's it.

That's how it ends. Chased them away, they ran into traffic. They end the show. Honestly, like, everyone works so hard at their season finales or series finales. Like you just saw the Curb one where they reenacted Seinfeld, you know,

St. Elsewhere and all that. Just have a bear chase everyone off. It's just so simple, you know? It's just so simple and elegant. Work for Shakespeare. Exactly. When I watch the TV shows, I watch the first one and the last one and guess what's in the middle? It's just so simple. It's just so simple and elegant. Works for Shakespeare. It's nice. Exactly.

It's nice. When I watch TV shows, I watch the first one and the last one, and guess what's in the middle? You can fill in the blank, right? Like a fun sandwich. Who cares about the bread? I want to get to the good, good stuff. No, that's the end of it.

Your sandwich is weird. But based on what you just said, reverse sandwiches. Who cares about the bread? I have bread on the inside. Say it with me. Bread on the inside. Say it with me, bread on the inside. So anytime you eat a sandwich, your hands are just greasy with meat?

Yeah, I'm a slippery little clog wearer. Well, do you find America to be very different from where you're from? Yes, less cow shit, less wheels of cheese, less windmills, less people having sex in the windows. Oh, really, that happens a lot out there? Well, the red light district. Oh, of course, yeah.

Here, though, people having sex at their windows, they better be closing their curtains. My neighbors are doing it all sorts of ways, sitting down, standing up, right ways, front ways. Wow. On the bed. Why are we high-fiving right now and we're not hearing the shoot that song was written because there's a lot of people shaking hands and high-fiving shoot wow do you have any more commercials that you're looking at

oh yes uh the city um oh yeah finger licking good kfc, Kentucky fried chicken, putting my mouth around my fingers after I eat chicken, sucking them so good, I like that. I think a commercial should end with I like that. You know what I mean? Because how are we supposed to feel about the product? I think it should end with I like that or trust me. Trust me. A very defensive trust me.

Trust me, it's okay. I'm not lying. Or something like a relax. That's right, Kit Kat, take some time to enjoy yourself. Trust me. Trust me. It's okay. I'm not lying. Or something like a relax. That's right, Kit Kat. Take some time to enjoy yourself. Trust me. You know you could also try you could just do the whole thing and then just do like don't be that way Oh, I like that. So you just get ahead of them doubting you. Just don't be that way. Oh, you can bully them. Yeah, bully them. Kit Kat, have it your way or don't fuck you. See, I go like Kit Kat. Hmm seems a little, I mean, I don't know if you can use all of those words.

You can on the canopy. Yeah, everything goes on the canopy, that's why I like it. Really, yeah, that's so interesting because books can have as many bad words in them as they want, but then you go to a movie and like, oh, you're only allowed one F word. That's only for certain ratings, I think, Scott.

I think there are plenty of movies that have more than one F word. I add F words into all my sites. What's the F-word? I'm not familiar cuz I'm from Holland. Oh, it's a Yeah Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry. Hey. Hey! No! You have a terrible bedside manner. To insult the injury! That was an apology roar. I mean, first of all, your apology is like, hey, I'm sorry. What?

Like, very defensive apology. Well, what did I do? I'm sorry. I guess I'm sorry about that. Sorry. That makes me feel more at home. We're pretty defensive in Holland. Hey, what's your problem?

I did go to Holland once. They were kind of rude. Yeah, everybody in Holland. Everyone was like, you want a coffee? And I was like, yeah, can I have a coffee? Okay, we'll get it for you. Piss off. Do they sell them? They do. If you were in like an IKEA, I in Holland. Everyone was like, you want a coffee? And I was like, yeah, I can have a coffee. Okay, we'll get it for you, piss off. Yeah, do they sell them? They do.

If you were in like an Ikea, I can understand. No, it was at a coffee shop, and the attitude was like, okay, we'll get you your coffee that you want. That's because we were in Holland, and in Holland, because everybody sound like Muppets, you can say whatever you want. You can say, fuck you, but it's so cute.

You better not do stuff like that, you know? You better not do. You can't be. Honestly, I've heard great things about it. It's Amsterdam is there, right? It's the city that never once took a nap. Oh wait, that's New York. Okay.

Any other New York distinctly coupled apps. What about The Hague? Have you been to The Hague? Then HAAAGH. No. You've never been to The Hague? No. Man, that's the first place I go, right off the

plane. You have to. Hop on the plane. I'm being transported there. You know who I love though? Von Huch. Oh, who's this? Sorry. Who's Von Huch? You got so mad at me when I was doing that before. I know, but I think... Who is Von Huch? She just popped up a little bird. Oh my God, it just flew away. You can't see, but it flew away with a message. That's for my mom. Van Gogh, you know the one, chopped off his ear, gave it to his girlfriend. Oh, of course. He loves to paint some flowers.

Van Gogh, perhaps, is who we're talking about. Was he out there? Yeah, that guy was out there living his life doing it twice. Yeah, chopping his ear off. In Holland we're always doing things twice. Oh really? Yeah. Scott, have you ever chopped your ear off?

No, I'm worried I did it once and you know, I would have to chop it off again. Let's try today. No. Let's chop it up. Shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop. I'm getting my saw ready. Why did you bring a saw?

How did you get that on the plane? It's different rules when you're from Holland. Oh, shoom, shoom, shoom, shoom. I'm getting my saw ready. Why did you bring a saw? How did you get that on the plane? It's different rules when you're from Holland. Oh, I see, they let things in. Because we're so cute. We can bring three weapons or less. Well, when you're traveling with that many kids, nobody's gonna stop you. I brought a lasso, a saw, and tickles.

I mean, honestly, the saw is the only one I'm really afraid of. I wouldn't want to be tickled on the plane. It's the worst kind of punishment. That's true. So, anything else planned while you're here? Um, I'm gonna go to Sephora and get a makeover. Oh, okay. I wasn't gonna say anything, but yeah, it seems necessary. I don't know why my eye's doing that.

Melting down my face like a Dali painting. Yeah, you think they can cure that in Sephora? It seems like a medical issue. Well, I figure if they really focus on the other eye, you won't notice what's happening on the right. Oh, they're gonna do it to the other one. Yes, my eye is like a melting clock, but not on the left. Also Sephora, I'm pretty sure, is the gateway to hell.

So they have magical powers there too. I don't know if you noticed, but I like to only stand in profile because the left got it going on, but the right, it's another story. It's a little saggy, yeah, it's a little saggy on the right. Everyone see my boobs and they go, just the left, not the right. I didn't know that about Sephora. Is it a bad place? Yeah.

Bear's a very clear of Sephora just because it is, I, you know in our religion we believe it is the gateway to health What's your name? Thank you Fair Barrett Barrett Barrett Barrett religion. Yeah, I'm orthodox Barrett. Do you worship a big bear in the sky or It's actually one big bear that's in hibernation. The Care Bear. So yeah, the Care Bear. I see.

So I mean, it seems like God has turned his or her back on us for a long time. So, you know. What do you mean? In the United States, everything's coming up green. Have you ever been to Build-A-Bear? I have not. I know somebody went today.

That's our church. Or yesterday. Yesterday, yeah, really? Yeah, that's where we basically go to pray. It isn't horrifying to you to see what happens there? And it's not building false idols? It is, but that's okay in our religion. Oh, okay, cool. Oh, wow. You just take it home and we each have our own individual God and we pray to Him. Do you get the little thing, I have a question, do you get the little thing that gives you the heartbeat when you squeeze its palm for an extra $6.50? Absolutely. $6.50 or $6.50?

No, $6.50 but I tell you, there are certain situations where for $6.50 it would be hard to still get out of it based on how much they sell these to these kids. Yeah. I love Bill Burr. Bill Burr? Yeah. I love my Bill Burr team, Build-A-Bear. So you love Bill Burr at team Build-A-Bear? My Bill Burr, Build-A-Bear, always telling me the news. You've Build-A-Bear with and it looks like Bill Burr?

I have Bill Burr, Build-A-Bear. I got Rachel Maddow, Build-A-Bear. They have all sorts of Build-A-Bears. I'm pretty sure they probably have a Scott Ackerman Build-A-Bear. We don't know. There could be, yeah, just some dork wearing a sweater. He's got a hat underneath his head. He's got a bonnet and he's got an add-on top of that. Oh, there's a bee in there!

It's met up with a bird. Oh no, it's stung the bird! How will the message get to my mom? Oh no. Well, this is, I mean, you're a fascinating person, Simone. Simone. How's that spelled? That's S-1-M-O. Have you seen the movie, Simone?

No, I- S-1-M-0-N-E. Or like the Megan Dole, that sort of the number in the name. Yes, that's right. Yeah. S-S, I was getting there, one, one, umla, umla umla umla little dance. I Usually the umlauts are above other letters, but this is just pure umlauts

This one's all I just standard SCOTT. I think yeah, sorry. I don't have the zero in it I mean if it what if I wasn't Megan it would be. Yeah. Sorry, I don't have the zero in it. I mean, if it was, if I was a Megan, it would be a zero. Oh, of course. It would probably be a five. It'd be five C zero T T. You guys ever done the calculator where you say boobless? Boobless. Yeah, boobless. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah.

All right, hell yeah. Wow. Well, guys, we're running out of time, unfortunately. Two-fives and all around. Wow. Well guys, we're running out of time, unfortunately. Oh. It really just chaps my hide to say that, but we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called Plugs.

We have time for one final feature, and that is, of course, a little something called Plugs! All right! All right, nice and short. I love a short plugs theme. That was Plugs Theme Parentheses from the Plugs Gordon Soundtrack and Parentheses by Sean Fogel.

Thanks to Sean Fogel. If you have a plugs theme, head over to CBBworld.com slash plugs, upload it and you can be famous for a week. And Sean, you are famous for a week. Congratulations. And what are we plugging? Robert Caro, what do we have? Well, it's not out yet, but I just want to plug my upcoming book.

The Years of Lyndon Johnson, The Night Blade Protocol. I got to hear what this protocol is because, you know, I read the book to find out. I know, but I'm just imagining all the steps in the protocol. There's a bunch of steps. And just when you think LBJ is ahead of the steps, there's a twist and a turn. Oh, no, there's eight more steps. There's so many more steps. It's twelve hundred pages. It should come out sometime in the next two years, I think LBJ's ahead of the steps. There's a twist and a turn. And it comes around. Oh no, there's eight more steps. There's so many more steps. It's 1200 pages.

It should come out sometime in the next two years, I think. I hope so, man. And I guess I'll just plug the concept of all of us dying. Yeah. I guess, yeah. It's kind of morbid to think about. I mean, it's- Not if you look at it the right way.

Really, what way do you look at it? It won't affect us at that point. Nothing will affect us. And then we'll all be dead. It's a selfish way to look at it. What about your loved ones? What way do you look at it? It won't affect us at that point. Nothing will affect us. And then we'll all be dead. It's a selfish way to look at it. What about your loved ones? What about your wife? She's gonna be suddenly having no one attending to her sexual needs. We have a pact.

That when one of us goes, the other one does it too. Suicide pact? Who knows how it happens? I guess suicide by cop or something? Who knows how it happens? Stepping in front of a bus or we'd have to don't play it out that far because if we want to be able to Improvise a little bit, but like you know sure yeah, it's depending on don't get tied down Then you get in your head be like it's gonna be a helicopter accident feeling it wasn't I can't find a helicopter anymore

Exactly, I only have 24. Do you have 24 hours to complete this we have 24 hours, and it's a mad dash Yeah, it's like have you seen it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world? I have, yeah. Instead of trying to find treasures, trying to kill yourself at the end. Wow, okay, yeah. Is it just as boring? It's as long, yes.

But oh boy, Mickey Rooney's there. Yeah, wow. All right, and nothing else to plug, I take it? No. All right. The bear, what do you wanna plug? Rarr! Jesus Christ.

I guess I wanna plug, let's start with the show The Bear. Show The Bear. Obviously season one and season two. Obviously season one. Season two, I think I'd come up for about one second in that as well. Season three, I haven't seen myself yet, which has been really tough emotionally. Yeah, you're still, that's so strange they would cut you out of season one and then bring you back for all of season two

and then cut you out of all of that and then bring you back for season three as well. That's the thing, they keep bringing me back, promising me the world and then they cut my ass out. It's so much work for them and they have to pay you. Yeah, and it's just like, you know, I just wanna be best friends with Jeremy Allen White. I just want to be on TV with the guy, but um.

He's going to be in movies now. He's playing the boss, Bruce Springsteen. That's right. Can you imagine him? Well, the tired old Sally down and they wouldn't let her go or whatever he says. That was so much better than I expected it to be. Born in the USA. All right. Well, maybe I can see why you're not friends with Jeremy Allen-Wright. What else do you have to plug? I want to plug Trash Kids Without a Bear thing on it. I want to plug, oh, CBB World, Going Deep, This Book

Changed My Life, Hey Randy, and yeah, I guess just The Show the Bear. The Show the Bear, yeah. Oh geez, Simone, what do you want to plug? I would like to let everybody know in Topanga Canyon, I am looking for another person for my bollicule. Must have been on Dancing with the Stars and have an affinity for Dutch cultures. Okay, that's really, it's such narrow, narrow. I like what I like. Okay, all right.

I would also like to plug the letter S. The letter S, okay, got it. And Hannah Pilkish, a good friend of mine, on Instagram and she's gonna be workshopping her hour around LA, so keep your eyes peeled. Okay, wonderful. Well, I wanna plug the CBB tour is still going on. We have a show tonight in St. Paul.

And then next week we're in Sacramento, Oakland, Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. And then a couple of weeks after that, we are in the UK and Ireland. And we, I don't know if tickets are still available for the second Ireland night, but they moved it to a bigger theater that became available. So that's really good.

We're also doing London and Glasgow and so much over there. So head over to cbbworld.com slash tour, where you can get all the tickets. And while you're at CBB World, you know, and Glasgow and so much over there. So head over to cbbworld.com slash tour where you can get all the tickets. And while you're at CBB World, you know, check out all the stuff that's going on over here. The bear mentioned it. There's a good amount of stuff over here.

Are you Googling it? It's got as in C. No, of course not. No, but what I am Googling is the second series of action figures came out. They are ready for pre-order right now. They are Sprague the Whisperer and Big Sue and figures will be shipping in September.

They are available for customers worldwide at shop.figurecollections.com with free shipping with the US address or in Europe with a cheaper import fee at actionfigureseller.com. This is phase two, Phase three looks pretty good. We have some really interesting people coming in phase three that you might enjoy.

But yeah, phase two available for pre-order now, so go get those. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. We've entered the room and there's nobody left. We've looked through the door. Sorry, I need to put it on Do Not Disturb. We open the door but there's nobody left. It's on Do Not Disturb. What is happening here?

Come on, Siri. This is the world's first dingless podcast. The end. Do Not Disturb. Sorry about that. I'm afraid, here's what I found. I'm afraid, I'm afraid. What's happening? What is going on?

What this is? Ding. All right, that was wonderful. That was Comedy Bang Bang Ding by Chris Finke. Thank you to Chris. Yeah, he's had several of these before. Thanks, Chris. Guys, I wanna thank you so much.

First of all, Robert, wonderful to meet you. Oh, really great to meet you. For whatever time you have left on this earth, I hope you'll come back on the show and tell us about- Same to you. Who knows who will go first? Yeah, who knows? Yeah, that's true. If I were a betting man, which I'm not, I would think it would be you. I am a betting man, but I like to take long bets.

Have you bet on your own books? Oh, yeah. You're like the Pete Rose of history. Absolutely, but there's nothing right. Pete Rose did nothing wrong. Do you bet on things that are about to happen and then they'd suddenly do happen and you write about them? Absolutely, and I you know, I don't like to bring it up, but I absolutely called 9 11 I paid ten thousand dollars on 9 10 going. Okay. Here's one thousand dollars There's something so horrible is gonna happen tomorrow. It'll shake the whole world and then it happened. How much did that pay off?

I got $10,000. I should have gotten more, but you know. I mean, I guess that's pretty good return. I mean, 10 to one odds of 9-11 happening. Yeah, it eased the blow. I guess, wait, did you know anyone in there? Yes. Oh, okay, oh my gosh.

And Robert Caro, so wonderful to talk to you. Oh no, I just talked to you. Thank you. Yes, we can do it again if you didn't like that. I'm happy to not bring up 9-11 the next pass. Okay, sure. I would never do that to retake any of an episode. Simone, I wanted to talk to you. It's wonderful to have you on. So sad about when you guys said farts. I know, it's terrible. It's terrible stuff. But the bear, I want to say. Oh, Jesus! Oh, I blew your shirt off.

Oh my, what do you think? Is that a one pack? Yeah, just one. We will. One stomach. We'll get you some vegetable oil. All right, good. I don't know what that is for.

I don't think we've talked about that. Yeah, we did. No, I don't think we did. Did that part get cut? All right, bye. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Yeah we did. No I don't think we did. Did that burger cut? Alright bye, we'll see you next time.