Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Ben Schwartz, Drew Tarver, Mary Holland

Episode Date: January 2, 2023

Backyard Era is back as Ben Schwartz aka The Elegant Mr. S joins Scott for the first CBB episode of 2023! Ben and Scott chat about Paris, vampire teeth, and Ben playing a bad guy in the upcoming film Renfield. Then, inventor Henry Heimlich returns to talk about his latest invention to prevent choking. Later, crafter Barb Nuts drops by to talk about all the crafts she makes out of mason jars. Plus, Yohan Breitbark stops by to talk about being a professional groaner.

You know you wanna bang, bang into your mouth. You know you wanna, everybody wants to listen to Scott. Everybody wants to, ah. I do the Jada bug. Into my, you do the Jada bug. Into my, you do the Jada bug. Into my mouth. Hickle me, pickle me, tickle me too.

And while you're at it, you can tickle me boo. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Holy shit, you got Shell Silversteen to write. Yeah, that was straight from the grave. Oh my god. You ever see the back of that Shell Silversteen book? Which one? Where the sidewalk ends?

No, that's a great one, by the way. But the tree one, what is it? The tree's dying? The giving tree. The giving tree. In the back it's... Do you write it or did he, or a stupid book? Wow, Jesus Christ.

Anyway, on the back of it is a picture, and it's the scariest picture of a human you've ever seen. And is it of him, or? Yeah, it's of him like haunting you for some reason. Yeah, that's him. I wrote this. I can't believe how well the podcast is going already. It's going so good.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Pugsley's Chicken for that catchphrase submission. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, first episode of the year. Ring-a-ring-a-ring-a-ring-a-ring-a-ring-a-ring. New Year's Day. What do they call it?

Happy New Year. Happy New Year to ya. Happy New Year to ya. Happy New Year. Happy New Year to ya. New Year. Happy New Year to ya. New Year.

And we know who this is. He's on every first episode of the New Year, and with no exceptions. None. Absolutely no exceptions. That's it, I am here, no matter what. No matter what happens, he made a special trip out here. Backyard era is back.

Back yard. Back yard, back yard. All right. It is back for a very special episode. I can't believe how strong this year is going. It's incredible. Welcome back. This is Benny Schwa, the elegant Mr. S. Thank you so much.

It's lovely to be here. To keep the tradition alive, no matter where we are in the world, both of us were in different countries, and we made sure to come back to your house. I was in Antarctica. You were in Antarctica. I was in Greenland, and we came together.

We came together. It's not that far off. Greenland and Antarctica. No, it was a quick jaunt. No, we went to Paris. We went to Paris. We're in Pellee right now, under the Eiffel Tower. Oh, here's a waiter right now.

Oh, la-la, hello. What would you like to order? Sorry, get out of here, sir. Oh, no, no one likes to wait. Paris is the best. Yo, zotalo. That is the actual chef from Ratatouille. Yeah, he has a waiter, though.

He has a waiter. He's got the motive. He got downgraded. It was the little guy, the little guy. Yeah, but they were like, you have a rat in your hat? You're a waiter. Yeah, rat in a hat.

Another shell server? Rat in a hat. Incredible. Incredible. God, we're on fire. On fire today. You know him from the after party. Okay.

He's seen Hamilton a bunch of times. He's seen Hamilton a bunch of times. I've seen Hamilton on any of your other credits. Oh, I've seen Hamilton on the after party. Do you not remember anything I've been in? I put the voice of a lot of characters. You know anyone? Oh, no.

Really? No. Okay, couple of TV shows and a movie. Couple of TV shows and a movie? What is this, two guys in a pizza place? Come on. I won't. Anyway, the podcast is starting to get worse.

It's so good. Oh, it's starting to get worse now. On the downhill slope. I was wondering where the dip was, but now we're going down. We're slobbing. By the dip, by the dip. Benny.

Scotty, anything to report? How are you feeling? It's 2023, if you can believe it. I can't believe it. This is the only year that I can think of that has a two, another two, a zero and a three. That's absolutely true. That we've been around for, I bet.

Right, don't you think? I think so. I can't even imagine. Although, 2032 is coming up soon. Really soon. So yeah, let's meet back here then. Oh my God. Can you imagine what country you're in?

Nine more years. I'll probably be in, I don't know, Alaska. Yeah. That's our country. Alaska and you'll be in. Aladdin. And we'll meet between Aladdin and Alaska. We'll meet in the Lion King.

I would love to play the genie in another live action version of this. Okay, give me, I would need a friend like me, but give me your spin on it. I don't know any of the lyrics or the tune. That's perfect. So here's a great spin. You've never had a friend like me.

Perfect, that was almost exactly what it is. You've listened to Aladdin before. That was, by the way, Aladdin was prior to the slap hurt round the world. Oh God, don't do this. We're in 2023. We don't have to revisit. Oscars are coming up in about a month or two.

Yeah, it's not a relevant. Do you think there'll be another slap hurt round the world? I don't think so. I think they'll make fun of it probably. Don't you think? Well, Jimmy Kimmel will be the host tonight. Bet he makes fun of that slap hurt round the world. That you're promoting the Oscars?

Jimmy Kimmel live on ABC, the Oscars. Oscars biggest night. What was the last time you went to Disneyland? The Oscars biggest night. Yeah, they have a lot of big nights. Surely, it has to be the Oscars biggest night. Probably one of the biggest of the Oscars nights. It's gotta be.

What else is it? They had a big brunch day before. Oh yeah, that's good. The brunch, of course. What did you ask? Did I, when's the last time we've been to Disneyland? Yeah. Two.

Two. Two years. Year two. Yeah. Year two of Disneyland. Remember year one, that Harold Ramis movie? Yeah, oh yeah, of course. You wanna do a quick plug for Michael Sarah in year one?

Michael Sarah and Jack Black in year one, along with June Diane Raphael. Harold Ramis, by the way. Harold Ramis, by the way. We've also directed Groundhog Day. Yeah, you're like the modern Harold Ramis. Oh, you maybe do it in a bit, but that's like. In the sense of I hope you're dead soon.

Oh, sorry. I'll take it back. Oh my God, my mom had just visited California and on her trip, I'll take out the name of this. Okay. But on her trip, she goes, oh my God, do you remember, and I'll make a couple of. Phil in the blank.

Right, so we'll say Phyllis Johnson. This is gonna be a really hard story to wrap my mind around. Because if someone that was at elementary school, my mom was my, my mom was the music teacher in the public Bronx school. Oh, she was? Yeah, for 50 years.

What instruments does she play? She plays piano. Okay. Power chords and sings. And she taught recorder when we were, where this is K through five. Okay. Okay, so my mom goes, oh my God.

Recorder, you don't, you don't see a lot of people playing recorder these days. No. Like everyone learns it when you're young. And then it's the least popular instrument. Do you think you still have your recorder? I bet I do. I bet you do too.

Did you ever have a weird instrument like a trombone or a French horn? No, no, I had a ventriloquist dummy. Yes. Is that true? Cool as it was. Got it for Christmas. What was his or her name?

I don't remember. It was her voice or his voice. I was a little too old for a ventriloquist dummy. So I was a little like, oh thank you mom and dad. And you never used it or you tried it a couple of times? I think I probably tried it because I used to put on puppet shows in the backyard. And with the voice, if you don't mind.

Speaking of the backyard era. Oh thanks buddy. Hello. Zutalo. Hello. Oh, the same guy as the, you have one character. I guess that's why you play yourself in these. Okay, can I tell the story?

Bang, bang, into your mom. You know you wanna bang, bang, into your mom. My mom was here and she comes in one of the first things she says when she had arrived was like, do you remember, I'll say, do you remember Phyllis Johnson? And I said, oh my God. Yes, I do remember Phyllis Johnson.

Well, she just had her 98th birthday. And that's the last birthday she'll have cause she died. And she didn't know that she was saying it in a hilarious way. She was trying to relay the information that she was dead. But her brain also remembered she just had her birthday. One good thing, one bad. It was so funny.

One for me, one for you. She just turned 98 and that'll be the last birthday she ever has. And no, no, and that'll be as old as she gets is what he said. As old as she gets. And that'll be as old as she gets because she died. Anyway, I'm gonna put it in the movie and take credit for it. I think it's weird when people say,

I'll give my mom credit. You know I'll give my mom credit, cause I'll give my mom credit, cause I'll give my mom credit. Yeah, of course. When people say like, happy birthday to Stephen Sondheim, you know, like he would have been, it's not gonna be the happiest birthday Stephen Sondheim's ever had.

And I think after a certain amount of years, like, oh, King Tut would be 1000 years. It's like we can stop this. He's dead, yeah. He never would have, like how'd he not died in a bus accident? King Tut died in a bus accident? That's what they're trying to say.

Like, you can never say he would be 1000. All right, all right, all right, all right. You know, he died of what he died of. Yeah, that's it. He died of King Tut disease. Oh God, I just found out I have King Tut disease. Oh no. Don't joke about it.

Your arms, your arms are going like this. Oh no. They're going like Steve Martin. There's nothing that makes me happier than you. Your laughter makes me so happy. The only thing that makes me happier is your total silence. Um, Ben, what, uh...

Um, Ben. Um, Ben? What? Um, by the way, we gotta talk about that. There's gonna be a solo Bolo in four months, probably five months. Yeah, probably. What's happening in four months?

Renfield, unless it gets pushed, I guess we're recording this so early, I shouldn't say it, but Renfield, the Dracula movie I'm in with, Nick Cage and Nicole Nakwafina is coming out in April. Unless something happens, this is your scoop. Your scoop is right now, I think it's coming out in April.

Wow, incredible. And we're gonna do a solo Bolo then, you say? I think so. Cosonic 3 hasn't come out for years. Yeah, are we gonna wear vampire teeth? Oh my God, we have... So I'm a whole thing with that. I was a vampire in the Bang Bang TV show

for a Halloween episode. Of course. And they put in the fake fangs and everything, and I had no idea that would affect the way I spoke. So much. The worst costume choice to host a talk show. The worst. And also, if you ever want a fake mustache,

fake mustache, you can't smile really, so you have to talk like this. I'm wearing a fake skin flap over my mustache. I love that, so you have a mustache. Oh my God. Can I see it? Oh my God, it's huge. Yeah, it juts out really far.

Juts out. Yeah. Keep putting it back on. Oh my God. Can I use your Foley work for a little bit more things? Yeah, sure, what do you need? I'm going to the grocery, I'm opening the door. I'm picking up a thing of milk.

Closing, closing the door. Okay. Taking this milk, pouring it over the cup. And taking a sip of this milk. Okay. Ah, I'm taking a quick burp. Okay, I go to the register. Man, I'd like to ring this up.

Oh I put it past the thing, okay. Paper plastic, I'd love plastic, please. Thank you very much, I'm sorry for drinking your milk, I get in my car, I get in my car, I call up my mom, okay I get out of my car, I call my mom. P-P-P-P-P-P, I say hi. Why? Do you remember that lady?

She's dead. You're amazing. That's, you're like Michael, not Richards- Girrette before. Michael Rappaport. You're like Michael Rappaport. In a lot of ways. In a lot of ways you're like Michael Rappaport

because you're- How about Michael Rappaport in podcasting? Would you not agree? No he is a podcaster so you can't say that. God, what a great time. He's like the Scott Ackerman in podcasting. He's like the Scott Ackerman in podcasting. Do you think he listens to the drill?

Who do you think, who? Okay this is a great question. Okay. This is real confirmation, no bets. What have you gotten real confirmation by that you heard that this person listens to your podcast and you're like oh my god that's so fucking cool. Real confirmation.

The fans mean the most to me honestly. I don't care about famous people. But what famous fan? I don't know. I mean you know you hear about Neil Patrick Harris. Oh. Well Miranda, people like that, you know. I mean they-

Do you think he still listens or no? No. Only if he's mentioned. So you think he'll listen to this? I think he'll listen to this one. He'll listen to this one. Hey what was that? Yeah, what's going on?

Melanie, what can the problem be? Now listen. He'll listen to this. Okay good. Of course, especially if people tag him. Tag Weird Al for the new year 2023. Yeah, let's plug Weird Al's new movie. Weird, Eric Appel directed it.

Yeah, I'm in it. Harry Potter, Daniel Radcliffe is the star. You're in it. You play a police officer. You sure do. All cops aren't bastards. Ew. Is that your line in the movie?

I've seen the movie. I turned to the camera, I wink, I say that. Oh wow, you really ham it up. That's crazy. It was the director told me to. Eric Appel, the director. Yeah. He was like make sure you look at the camera.

Wink at it. Okay. Every take. He's a great director. I don't know if he'd say that. You bring the lines, he said. To make sure that I can't cut it out. Does that mean you knock the door

and they probably say who is it then? What's your line? I could get used to this. Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. After they open the door for you. Wink, wink, wink, wink. And they make the noise. Yep.

Wow. We're back by the way. It's back to a great episode. Back to a great episode. Renfield. Back in time. Renfield coming out in a scant few months. And you play some deranged lunatic

who exposes himself. But by January, this comes out in January? Sure. Of course, we're doing the first episode of the year. I don't know if there, I mean for me, I play a tattooed up bad guy. Oh really? I get to play a real bad guy where tattoos every day.

I have my hair slicked back. I wear crazy clothes. Where are the tattoos? Are you shirtless? Oh my God. Too great. Do you have your little butt? Do you have like a tramp stamp?

I don't show my little butt, but I do have a lot of shirts that are low cut shirts. And I remember at the beginning, we filmed the New Orleans. It's just a little tramp stamp. It's just a tramp stamp. A little tramp stamp. Yep, that's what it is.

And it's the wrong way up. I wear full sleeves and full chest tattoos. So every morning I had to put them on and then after two days. Every morning I had to put on all my tattoos and I've been in that and do the room failed. And so it was great. Christian Tinsley, of course, from Tinsley Transfers,

created the, he's like a legend in the field. How dare you? Okay, Corinne put them on. It was great. It's all fantastic. Okay. And of course, Robert Kirkman, Robert Kirkman. By the way, our good friend, Robert Kirkman,

friend of the show. He is, I love Robert Kirkman. And by the way, very funny individual. Yeah, nice guy. Always down to play with a bit. Yeah, of course. He was on the TV show. Has he done this?

Yeah, he has. The podcast? Did he play a character? He played himself, Robert Kirkman. He played himself, of course. Be very funny if he came in with a slew of characters. Okay, here's the way. I have fallen in love with Robert Kirkman.

That has happened where people come on and I think they're going to be themselves. And then they go, oh no, I want to play a character. Our good friend, Jack Quaid, did that the first time I don't think I've ever met Jack Quaid in person, but I can't wait to. You should. You guys would really hate each other.

I think he's lovely. I bet we wouldn't get along. I heard two positives of make like a negative. We're both too nice. I think we'd hate each other. Yeah, there'd be guns drawn. Oh my God. If you put his fucking thumbs up near me,

I'd snap it off. Kidding me? Jack, if you're listening to me, I want to snap off that goddamn thumb of yours. Are you FaceTiming him right now? No FaceTiming. Hey Jack. It was a bit, nope.

It was a bit, nope. It was a bit, nope. Love Robert Kirkman. And he created the idea and then Ryan Ridley, who's an incredible writer. I don't know who this is. Okay, I'm trying my best here. I'm trying to be great.

Chris McKay directed it. Has he been on the show? No. Who? Chris, oh, you should have Ryan Ridley on Chris McKay directed it. I don't. Who knows?

They're all great. Anyway, hopefully it comes out in April and then hopefully we'll do a solo. If it gets pushed, we'll push as well. We gotta do it, but Ben, we have to move on to our second guest. Oh, and it's me playing my favorite character. Can you introduce me please?

This is Joe Schmoe. Joe Schmoe? I'm Joe Schmoe from the Joe Schmoe, though. I hate it. Okay, here's Ben. Hi, guys. He's back. All right, I can't wait to get to running.

I haven't met these people yet. They're just walking in right now. What I like to do on the first episode of the new year, as you know, Ben, because this is the eighth year or something. And nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. We do the same way.

We do the same thing every year. Same people every time. Is I love to have new people on and hear about all their stories. And this guest is an exception because he's been on before, but please welcome back to the show, Henry Heimlich. Hello, Scott, how are you?

Henry, so nice to meet you. I'm Ben. Hello, Ben. Are you choking? Sorry? Are you choking? Right now, I know. I think the way you could tell

is if someone's breathing or talking, they're not choking. Right, that's right. It was a trick question. Okay. And you're not choking and you passed the test. Oh, wow. I'm worried about the lifespan of this guy.

I haven't spoken by the way. I'm worried about the lifespan of this guy. I'm coming in hot and guns are blazing. Henry, I hadn't spoken for 60 seconds prior to me just speaking right now, but you didn't ask if I was choking. Yes, are you choking? Well, no, I just started speaking.

Good. Another trick question and you passed the test. Do you teach classes, Henry? Yes, of course. Well, I invented the Heimlich maneuver. You know my maneuver. Have you used it? I'm not doing a bit.

I just took a class to learn it and I know exactly how to do it. Great. So you make a fist? That's right. You make a fist. Well, are we doing an adult or an infant? So what are we doing?

Well, you can do it at anyone over one year old. Okay. If they're under one, put them on the knee and pat them on the back. That's close. Close? It's close. I don't do the babies.

You're adult only, right? I'm adult only, 18 plus. What happened? I see you barely legal Heimlich maneuvers, right? You're an only baby. Occasionally, I had a Patreon only fans where I did barely legal Heimlich. Jesus Christ.

Yes, they're just 18. They're choking. But I show their license. Choking on what, by the way? You're nasty, Scott. God, he is nasty. He's the nastiest man. He's turning red.

When you make him embarrassed, he turns a little bit red. He's the nastiest man. So you take a fist? He's telling everybody about my barely legal channel, bringing it up immediately. I knew it was just a matter of time. Well, what do you do?

You keep doing it, to take it off the fricking internet. Right. I want it off the internet, but you can't get things off. You know this. Of course you can. You can only put things on.

Unless you're in Hong Kong and sex tape is not going anywhere. Which I've been looking for. By the way, the sexiest sex tape I've ever seen. He's always saying, I'm so full. I'm such a pig, he says. That's your thing? He says it and he is. It's my favorite tape of all time.

Of course, by the way, a person who loves The Heimlich would want to watch them or someone so full is going to choke. Yeah, because he's going to choke if he fucks. Luckily, he never gets around to it. He calls his daughter. He says, I'm a pig. You have seen it.

You have seen it. I've seen it. And it's gone and I'm upset about it. It's my favorite video. Sorry, buddy. It's okay. Hey, Henry. A fist.

A fist? A fist, you make the fist. You put the thumb of your fist in the sternum. Right? How can you tell someone where the sternum is? Because it's a listening thing. How many fingers from the belly button? How many fingers from the belly button?

Eight. Depends on that. You stack them. So first you want to make sure you're, first you pull the person's shirt off. You could save somebody's life right now before you, you better do it right. Okay.

First. So if you suspect anyone is joking, pull their shirt off. Well, it can happen in an instant. It can happen in an instant. What are you talking about? Choking. It can happen in an instant.

I mean, most things happen in an instant. That's true. They happen and then that's it. But it can happen in an instant. Okay, right. You know, in an instant. You're talking with your friends, I'm choking.

Somebody else is choking. First thing you do, take your shirt off. Take their shirt off or your shirt off? Strip them down. Down to the underwear? Leave the underwear on. Okay.

I'm kidding. I'm giving some dignity. No, I'm kidding. Oh, you gotta tell us when you're kidding. You're a big kidder. I kid all the time. I'm kidding. You stack your fingers up about the top,

the belly button, four fingers, four fingers, eight fingers. That's the sternum. Okay. Then you grab and don't put your head right behind their head. Kind of peek around. Right. So don't put your nose on their back.

Like sort of nuzzle their neck. Nuzzle their neck. Get your shit in there. Like you're loving them. They're your lover. Are you saying anything? You can say. You can whisper.

Hey, stop choking. You can whisper like, it's going to instant. Yes. That's good. It's all going to instant. But yes, you can try verbal. Hey, stop choking.

Okay. Try verbal first. Try verbal. Start with verbal. Like, are you kidding? Like, don't make a fool of me here. Stuff like this. Don't make a fool of me.

I'm with my family. Now I'm over here at your table. Your choking quotes. But then they're like, okay, okay. Or no, they can't say anything. If they can't say anything. You know they're choking. Well, you know the universal sign of choking.

Grabbing. Two hands up. Two hands up on their neck. Sharp fingers. Sharps out. You mean fingers extended? Fingers extended. Sharp fingers.

Which is what they can get. You see my fingers? Watch me cut the cheese with these fingers. Not farting, Ben. You're kidding. No. I was kidding. You're not kidding.

Next to us. Okay, I love doing cut the cheese. You didn't even let me do it. You said it. You didn't even let me respond. I said, don't do it. Yeah, but I didn't. Because I know you're going to beat me to it.

You're going to be like, oh, you're farting. No. And you wanted to be the one who said it. Yes. You're so quick. You have a block of cheese with you. Yes, I was going to show you how sharp my fingers are. So you weren't kidding.

I wasn't kidding. Go ahead, cut the cheese. Okay. Oh, come on. Henry. Excuse me. Come on. Is that your cat train?

No, yeah. Did Steve Martin steal that from you? Steve Martin followed me around all the time. Stealing my stuff. Yes. I played the manju. There he goes. Oh my God.

He went on a plane, a train. Automobile, and he's a... So are you older than Steve, just so we know? Barely. Barely. So the Heimlich maneuver was invented right before Steve Martin was born. That's right.

Well, he was one of the first people who received it. Isn't that true? That is true. When he was a little baby, yeah. Yes, he was a little... But you don't do babies. I don't do it. Is it because of this experience, was Steve Martin?

Well, no, it's because my son choked his death on a commemorative Lego piece. Oh no. What was it commemorating, by the way? Back to the future. Back to the future commemorative Lego piece. So this is post-85. Post-85.

Do you know that if Back to the Future was alive today, you would be 100 years old? Did you know this? I think the dates are all, but I understand where you're going for. You get it, right? I get it. Yeah, of course I get it.

Yes, so my son choked his death. It was tragic. It sounds terrible. Did you know the Heimlich at that time? No. Wow. That's why I... So you invented it after 85.

Interesting. So I always remember it from when I was young, but I guess that's the Heisenberg effect. What is it? It's the Heisenberg effect. I don't think it's called Heisenberg. Yes, it's breaking bad effect. You remember things differently.

Because I guess it was in a school where the teacher could have been selling drugs. Do you remember the old posters? Did you invent those in our old public school? We used to have yellowish posters on the wall teaching we had to do the... They wouldn't give anyone facial features. No facial features.

It would just be like sort of blank slates. Yes, you can't be like a person who's choking looks like this. Yeah, because then you'd be like, oh, this person doesn't look like that, so I'm not gonna help them. You'd be like, the poster was too specific, they can't be choking.

That was an old man in the photo. This is the younger person. Yes, exactly. So anyways, you have to keep the... You have to. You have to keep the poster's vague. You have to. You have to.

But yes, I developed it after my son was choking on a Lego. I am so sorry, Henry. So you didn't save him, but after the fact you were like, here's what I should have done. Yes, here's what I should have done. Of course, I developed many things

to before I landed on the Heimlich. I invented throat bugs, which I've talked about. Oh, that's right, what were those? Oh, you try to chew up the piece before... No, they direct traffic. In your throat. Sorry?

Throat bugs. You put them in before you're choking, so that they're like, okay, this goes down this way, so you don't choke. Yes, you've heard of this, the wrong pipe. You've heard, oh, it went down the wrong pipe. It's a simple traffic problem.

You've seen cars, they're going down the wrong lane. So the throat bugs will teach people which... Why are you taking out your phone? Is there a picture of it? No, I'm looking at, oh, somebody's, I'm getting paid. I get paid every time I get that Heimlich. Are you seeing my fin?

You get residuals every time somebody uses the Heimlich? Of course! So why would anyone invent something if they didn't get paid for it? You have to have some type of ownership. You have to. So is that why your other business is about sticky toffee stuff that gets stuck

in your throat? Yes. You're making money off of money. I make chocable things. Yes, it sounds great. Christmas this year, I made so much money. Oh, yeah. Star cookies.

Oh, yeah. What a choking hazard. Peanut brittle is something that a lot of people choke on, isn't it right? Peanut brittle constantly. It's brittle. It's peanut-iest in the throat. What are the best things for people to eat?

People should not make peanut brittle. Is that true? Don't make peanut brittle, people. If you are afraid of choking, what are the best things you can eat on a daily basis so you never have to worry about choking? Cotton candy. Only cotton candy.

Cotton candy, well, I developed that for a while. I was like, oh, after my son died, I was like, okay, all food cotton candy. Yeah, you developed protein-rich cotton candy. Packed with whey protein. Oh, wow. French dip, cotton. Yeah, you dip it into aju.

French dip, cotton candy. Aju cotton candy. Yeah. Yum. Ew. It dissolves in the aju, and then you just drink the aju like a soup. What do you mean, ew?

You say you dip a cotton candy into aju sauce. No, it looks like a French dip in aju, but it's cotton candy. So when you dip it in, what happens? No, it's all cotton candy. Something, no, something, no. You're, I'm angry at you, Ben. Sorry, Henry.

I don't think anybody's ever challenged you. It's so clear. Ben, let the man talk. Sorry, Henry. You're jumping all over me. He has to. I has to. You have to jump on it.

No, it looks like French dip in aju. It's just blue and pink candy. Oh, wow. So do you dip a sandwich in there, or you just drink the aju as a drink? No, you do like what you would with the regular thing. You treat it like it's a French dip. Okay, so you take an actual sandwich.

Yes, yes, yes. You dip it in there. It's cotton candy. You dip, dip, dip, yum, yum, yum. But I would think the sandwich part would get caught in the throat. No, no, no, no. It looks like sandwich.

It's not a sandwich. So even that is cotton candy. Everything is candy. Everything is cotton candy. Sometimes the only two words you've said wrong are has and whiz, so I don't understand what's happening with your vocal pattern.

No, it's classic German. What country are you from? You say has, Austria. Oh, Austria. Austria. Okay, thank you. And you say has and whiz. Whiz, yeah.

And that's it, and everything else sounds kind of Southern. You could say have and whiz, right? You could say have and whiz, but I say has and whiz. Has and whiz. And that's an accent. I love it.

That's all you has to do. I love, that's another one. It's one word. Al, you said it, so it's three. Yes, that's it. So what were some of your other inventions? My other inventions is polypocket food. Oh yeah, polypocket.

Polypocket, you know, the little tiny turkey leg. That's what I did. Little tiny turkey leg. How tiny? The smallest turkey leg. It's for the toy polypocket. It's for the toys. I saw my daughter.

Who is that, by the way? Oh no. I'm so sorry, what did she die of? She choked on a commemorative piece. Oh no. Yes. A piece of what? It was a commemorative piece of quarters.

It was only a piece of a quarter? Well, he said quarters, so it sounds like one piece of many quarters. So it was one quarter. It was a penny. Oh, it was a piece of a quarter. So 125th of a quarter. So you got a commemorative quarter,

you went to the bank, got changed for it. Wait, so you got changed for a quarter? I got changed for a quarter. I got changed for a quarter. The denominations of quarters. I was like, can you make change for this? And they rolled it out. So 125th of a quarter, okay.

You know how you always try to break a quarter? It has too much. But you don't want five nickels. Two. You know what am I gonna do with this? You know when you get robbed? I have this quarter. I have this quarter.

You want to break it up. You ever break it up? I get changed for a quarter. I'm always getting changed for a quarter. But what do you use the pennies on? What? To put on the train track and smash, Ben. You have sex on the train track?

Yes. I get fucked on the train track. That's where your only fans live. Yes, no. I get tied down the trains coming. A lot of only fans though. Only fans really blew up in the pandemic. You have to have one.

But it sounds like you're doing like an old timey villain thing where you tie someone up on the train track. No, he gets tied onto it. I get tied up. Somebody saves me. He's damseling me. I'm like, please, please, please.

You must pay the rent. You must pay the rent. Yes. I gotta pay the rent. Is that your catchphrase? Tell me when we get your catchphrase. No, you must pay the rent. You must pay the rent.

I have so many different catchphrases. But yes, I was doing polypocket food. I was doing reverse chicken engineering. You know how they make the chickens big nowadays? They want the big breasts, the plump breasts. You take the big ones and you turn them back to normal size. I was doing opposite and I kept going smaller and smaller

and smaller, gene therapy, breeding, breeding. Wow. To get the tiniest little chickens and the tiniest little chickens houses. I had a chicken house that was full of chickens. There was three inches long. No way. Yes.

How many chickens? 2,000 chickens. Wow. This is insane. It's insane. That's like the size of an ant colony. It's just like that. Wow.

But even smaller. Oh, even smaller. Even smaller. It has to be. Just like it, but smaller. Just like it, but smaller. But unfortunately, I shrunk the farmer too. Oh no.

Oh no, honey. I shrunk the farmer too. Honey, I shrunk the farmer so I had a small little whole farm. Oh no. It's like a humanitarian crisis. Because now you have a tiny farmer and a bunch of these tiny chickens. I have to take care.

I've made a mistake. So did you have to figure out how to shrink a woman for him to breed? Yes, I've been luring people into my home to shrink to add into this farmer's ecosystem. I hate, I just want to learn the logic. So you said the way that you got these chickens so small is by breeding, breeding, breeding,

gene therapy. Why do you always have to do this logic? And then you said this farmer, I buy mistakes shrink. So did you use gene therapy for you? This work isn't logical, bud. Sorry, right, right, right, right. No, he's a dreamer. Sorry.

It's just like what you're thinking. You were explaining it for me there for a second. So keep going and I'll say yes. So the human then did you keep making human smaller, smaller, smaller, have sex, have smaller babies? Yes, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. And then now you're the smallest one. Yes, yes, yes.

So you didn't buy a mistake. This took years and years of planning. No, it was, I did it. I did it. I did it, it was bad. Because I was like, I can't do that. I can't make. You can't take care of those chickens.

The chickens are too small. I need little hands. So I found people on the margins of society. Is this not the, is this not the, the log line for that Matt Damon movie? Yeah, the downsizing? Yeah, is it? That's, no, yes.

But you did it the real way. I did it the real way. I did it the real way. Well, when I saw that movie was coming out, I was like, do they know? Did they? They did not. Wow.

So you were not a consultant on that movie? I was not. You were not a producer. Okay, yes, I was. You were a producer. I was, I was all me. That's your movie? Yeah.

You must be getting so many residuals because everyone loves that movie so much. They won't stop watching it every time. You know, you're like at your house and you're like, wait, is that downsizing on? And you watch it? Yeah. You constantly have to finish it.

When you sit, when you flip by it, you pass through a room and it's on. You've got to sit right down. You have to sit down like, honey, downsizing's on. I'd be, I'd just be a couple of hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just two.

Just two. I'm not going to watch all of it. I think it's longer than that. Yeah. What else do you got? What else do I have? Because I would say we have three more minutes. Three more minutes.

Yeah, that's okay. That's like a lot of time. Let's see, let's see. Oh, well, of course I tried throat lube. What's that? So throat lube is what you think. I got together, you know. I'm not sure what I think about it.

Well, you tell me in a second. Okay. So it's, you know, you, you, much like gravy when you're adding gravy to your food. Sure, yeah. I love gravy. Because of gravy is to make everything go down easier. Is that true?

Well, that's what I was hoping, but people were still choking even with gravy boats and dumping. So I developed throat lube. Dumping, okay. And dumping the gravy. Nobody knows what you're talking about, the gravy? Yeah, the gravy.

Okay, yeah. So what did you develop throat lube? So I got together with the horniest inventors in town. You know these people. They make lube. How did you find the hornet ones? Only fans is going off lately. Christ.

Well, you know these people. They're like, I need, I need lube. I need dildo. I need sex swing. Okay. They're inventors, but they're a little nasty. They're a little nastier. You know, they have an edge to them.

They're like, I would develop a way to suck the carbon out of the atmosphere to stop global warming. But I'm too horny. But I'm too horny. Oh, got it. So they could save the world. They, oh, these inventors, they're just roving around. They're geniuses.

They have access to everything. Wow. They're so smart, but some of them are a little nasty. Oh. Some of them. Some of them. And you know them when you see them. Okay.

You'll see them. They're making sex swings. They're making porno. This is how you know them when you see them. When you see them making a sex swing or making porno. And they're just a little freaky, as you said. They're just like, you know, they got that look in their eye.

Yeah. You'll know they're horny inventors. If you see someone making a porno. Yes. You'll see them outside of the patent office. They're kind of hunched over. A little hornier than the other guys. They're like, oh, I need this patent.

Right. For this thing I'm making is nasty. It's a little cage for your balls with a lock. So there's a cage. So your balls are out and there's a little cage that goes around. You know this thing. Stop saying I know.

You know it, Ben. You're always acting like I don't know these horny mentions. Well, this is a cage for my balls. It's a cage for your balls and dick. It's like a knight's. It's like a knight's costume for your dick and balls. You buried the lead there. Yeah.

I added dick. I think I don't think it's just for the balls. I think it's also dickier. So nobody can really touch it until they unlock it. Where's the key? Oh, you have the key. Oh, I have the key. Yes, no.

The person not you has the key. If you have the cage on, you don't have the key. So if you're not allowed to have the key. No, that's not fun. Because you'll be like, who's going to unlock this thing? Yeah, that's fun, right? Is it a thing where someone out there has a key like everywhere in the world?

Every set comes with a key to a different one. It's just like that. And you have to find your key. You know how they're like, there's somebody out there. My person is out there. Oh, yeah, so has your key. So how many people keep a cage on their balls and just never get the key off?

Oh, it happens all the time. Wow. Yes, some people don't find their person. How many did you make and how many have you sold? How much inventory do I have? I didn't make the balls cage. Oh, these are the nasty inventors. These are the inventors waiting in line for this matter.

Get to the throat lube. So yes, I thought you said we had three minutes. This is like seven now. I know. You haven't got to do it. I'm stretching. Why? The tangents are the bit.

That's a good point. So yes, this is the first time we're learning that. Right, you're right. So basically, it's just a big thing of lube that you pour all over your food and you eat it. Oh, I thought it would go down the throat first and then the food. No, you pour it on your pork chop. Right.

And then it makes sure it goes down smooth. What does it taste like? Is it gravy? Is it just gravy? No, it's industrial-strength oil-based lube, petroleum style. Petroleum style. Not petroleum, because you didn't get the rights to petroleum. You couldn't afford the petroleum.

You can't use it as petroleum style. Right. Because petroleum is like what everybody's trying to make. Of course. But it's petroleum style. Is there any fossil fuels used in this? Yes, oh yes, yes, yes. And you're eating them with your pork chop?

Yes, it's OK, though. It's OK. Why? Because you're going to die from choking if you don't eat gas. So you'd rather die this slower death or do you want to die immediately from it? You'd rather die with gas on your food than standing up and choking. What would you rather do, drink gas or choke?

You tell me. This is tough, because I think you die from drinking gas. No, it's not. It's edible. It's edible. We don't get it? Why don't you tell that to my son's corpse? Oh, I'm sorry.

Which is right over there. Right over here. You brought him here? Yes, I brought him to Paris. I bring, yes, that's his. Look at all those. There he goes. Oh, Scott is ventriloquisting my son.

Yeah. It's gorgeous. You can talk to your son for the first time in years. Go talk to him. Oh, hello, Zaddy. Oh, hey, son, how are you? This is your first time talking to him. Oh, let's talk to your son.

Oh, I miss you, too. I miss you so much. Son, Zaddy. Listen, I have invented a maneuver that could have. Oh, la, la. They could have stopped your death. Oh. Are you proud of me?

I am so proud. Have they made it back to the future? Three and four yet? Oh, wait, they have actually commemorative things of the third one. You ever heard of this? No. This is a lego.

Don't give us that. No, no, no, no. Where is this wrong loob? Where is this wrong loob? Do I loob? No, it's still in prototype. No, son. Shit.

Terrible story. Terrible story. No. Now, that was all fake because I was ventriloquizing. Yeah. But it really made you say live it. It re-triggered you. I'm triggered.

Why did you do this? That's the type of comedian I am. Trigger. You are so in your face, Scott. And you will not apologize. Never, ever. Wow. Well, I'm not going to apologize for this.

We need to take a break if that's all right. We have to take a break. But when we come back, we have this is really exciting. We have a crafter coming up. 00:37:48,740 --> 00:37:49,300 OK. Someone who makes crafts, I would assume. Oh, how exciting.

That's what it means. Yeah. So we're going to be right back. We have more of the elegant Mr. S. We have more of Henry Heimlich. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Comedy bang bang, we're back.

We have Benny Schwa here. Benny, uh, and he's waving at the air right now. Well, there's mosquitoes everywhere. Who knew? It's California in the winter. Yeah, exactly. And so sorry that did you get bit? Yeah, but I'm going to put on something.

You grabbed a hat. Yeah, I got bit, but I'm going to put on something, put on this hat. Ben is here, and we also have Henry Heimlich. Oh, so much has happened to Henry Heimlich. Yeah, Henry Heimlich is here. He is, uh, what were you doing during the break? You were on the phone. I was on the phone, yes.

You were shouting at people. I was yelling at people, uh, walking down the street. Why were you on your phone? You were trying to call the people you saw walking down the street? Yeah, I was like, excuse me. What's your number? What's your number, man? They would give you the number.

And then I called them, and I'd be like, I just saw you. That was it. It seems like a waste of time for everybody. No, it's fun. I just got this phone. Oh, it's cool, man. I've never had a phone before. Really?

No. Why? Too small? You choke on it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's too scary. Bad for movies, bad for choking.

It's really bad. You got to be careful. Phones are bad for movies? Well, to watch them on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You shouldn't be watching movies on them. No, you got to go to the theater. You're a big pro theater guy.

You get streaming services. No, I was going to the theater. I never stopped going to the theater. For your only fans' movies here, they only debut in the theater. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, really? Yes, for my only fans.

Holy shit. I have a deal with Paramount. This is in my... It's pretty crazy. It's just reviews and deal with movies. And that's not where you make most money. It's mostly residuals from the Heimlich. Well, no, I put so much money into the production.

You don't touch your Heimlich money, right? Oh, I won't touch it. I won't touch my... You're like, Jalen, I don't want to stand up. That's just right. I won't touch my Heimlich money. Wow. My only fans' money.

Wow. Yeah, I go down and I do the comedy and magic club. Oh, that's cool. And I live off of that. That's cool. I live off your comedy and magic club money. Yeah. I go...

You're not doing very well there. No, no, no, no. Well, I'm trying to get people to choke in the theater. Oh, I see. From laughter. Yeah, mozzarella sticks. Oh, mozzarella sticks, you'll choke. Well, the cheese is pretty soft, you sure?

And they're shaped like a throat. They are shaped just like a throat. That's how they... You know what I mean? Yeah, they are. That's how they... You didn't finish to get you. That's how they get you.

Because you think, like, oh, this will go down perfect. You should just be eating, like, snake-like things. Things that are long and cylindrical, right? Oh, absolutely, yes. Well, this gets back to your only fans. Yes, I've never choked. My only fans. All right, well, we need to get to our next guest.

I can't believe you have another guest. This is very exciting. Yeah, this is an incredible... Very cool. ...incredible packed show. We need to get to her. She's a crafter. Please welcome Barb Nutz.

Hello, flowers! What hours? Oh, did you make these? Oh. I made them. I made them. Barb has just brought out a gorgeous array of flowers. Thank you so much.

Welcome to the show. Thank you. Are these for us? Yeah. No, this is for me, but I brought the... Oh. I just wanted just an example of what I could do with my crayons. You just wanted some...

Look at them, I mean. Yeah, just look at them. I made them out of broken glass. Oh, my God. Incredible. Oh, Jesus. Wow. You just stopped putting them...

Yes, yeah. Oh, Christ. Stop poking us with them. Ow, I'm cut. I'm cut. You're not joking, are you? I'm good. No.

No. His name isn't cut. Nice to meet you, cut. No, I'm bleeding. Oh, nice to meet you, bleed. No, his name is Henry. Oh, my God. He's saying...

Barb nuts, everyone. Barb. Are you okay, Barb? I'm okay. Crafty is my passion. I can make anything out of anything. I love to DIY... Anything out of anything.

Anything. Anything. Anything. Like, you know, I'd like to spend in my free time. I have an Etsy store... Oh. ...and I like to spend in my free time. I like to spend in my free time.

Finish the sentence, Barb. You can do it. You can do it. And I like to spend in my free time. And in my free time, I like to spend it. I like to make hats out of mason jars. Hats out of mason jars. Broken mason jars?

Or just like... They don't have to be broken. Would you just turn it upside down and put a brim on it? Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. Like a plate. Like a plate. And then, well, what I can do...

You're wearing one now. See. It's very cute. See. When the sun hits it. It's a fascinator. That's like an Abraham Lincoln. And there is something brining in it?

Yes, this is an old pickle. Oh, wow. And it's brining in my hat. How long has it been brining in your hat? 300 years. Oh, my God. It's my grandmother's pickle. Oh, wow.

She must have got it, though, from several generations back. So this pickle has been passed down? Yeah. 300 years. Yeah, it's been in the nuts family for years. Wow. And so I thought to myself... Because my grandmother had a lot of...

Had a lot of... Had a lot of... Had a lot of... You can do it. You can do it. You can finish it up. Had a lot of putting in food boy. And so, she would have all kind of preserved.

Right. And all kind of pickled things. Yeah. And it... How old would she be if... She'd get so nice. How old would she be if she were alive? If she didn't get hit by a bus.

Oh, how did you know if they got hit by a bus? She got hit by a bus. She got hit by a big London bus. A London... Is she Dekker? Is she in England? She's from England. No.

Let me guess. When she saw the bus coming, she jumped up really high as not to get hit by it. But got hit by the second level? God, how did you know that? Oh, my God. It wasn't even the second level. No, because she jumped high enough to clear the second level. But she...

But there happened to be somebody holding a knife up high. And in the... On the second level. And so she was doing a split. Oh, no. So it's sliced her right in the middle. Oh, yeah. It's sliced her right in the kitha.

And she died. That's what you call the kitha? Yeah, I call this my kitha. Don't pull it out. Wait, don't pull it out. Yeah, look, look, look. No, no, no, no. It's my kitha.

Barb, Barb, Barb. Oh, my God, Barb. No need, Barb. Anyway. Wait a second. Was there a mason jar on your kisser? Yeah. What is going on in there?

Mason jar panties. These are my panties. That's right. These are my panties. I can make panties out of mason jars. You have a lot of mason jar related things so far. Are these flowers made out of broken mason jars? Oh, yes.

I took a mason jar and I have a lot of mason jars. And so I... You could do anything with mason jars. And you can... And crafting... You got it. You got it. Crafting is my pattern, but it's not my job.

Oh, really? What do you do for a living? Yeah, I don't make much money after I leave from it. Oh, I'm sorry. What do you do for a living? Do you work in the intelligence industry? Are you in the CIA? Are you in the FES?

No, no. I'm... It's close though. I'm a contract killer. You're a contact or contract killer. Contract killer. So I can put his health on people and then I do it. Really?

No way. Yeah. Wait, you're not here to kill any of us. Are you? It's got... You're doing this. Oh, my God. You just gave me the old pickle.

Here you go. Just drink it. Okay. Be careful, Scott. Scott, I probably wouldn't drink that. Do you want to do the Foley work on this, Ben? Yeah, I'll do the Foley work. Here we go.

Okay. Tell me what you're doing. All right, I'm drinking the... Excuse me. Oh. Oh, that was in my Foley work. That was actually... I was cutting the cheese and I cut the cheese again.

Kidding or no? No. Well, you didn't drink the... You didn't drink it, Scott. Yeah, sorry. No, I... I'm not drinking it. But thank you so much.

Are you good at contract killing? Oh, I'm the best. Really? I'm the best in the biz. How many kills do you have on your belt? Two. You've killed two different people. I just killed two different people.

I'm the best in the biz. No. What is it? Maybe... You got it? You got it? But they never caught me. They never caught me.

Because nobody suspects me. You know, they... Oh, that's true. I don't suspect you. Little Bob Nuts. And they see Bob Nuts just walking down the street and nobody suspects me. And so then they don't see it coming. Who hired you to do this, if you don't mind me asking?

Oh, Tommy Hilfiger. Tommy Hilfiger wants to kill Scott Ockerman? Oh, my... I shouldn't have said that. Oh, my God. I shouldn't have said that. Wait, you are trying to kill me? I mean, I thought that was a joke.

No. No. Oh, God. Tommy, you have beef with Tommy? I have a little bit of beef with Tommy. What happened? Tommy, why? What happened?

Yeah, he makes pants, right? He makes clothes. He makes pants. He makes underwear. Pants. Mostly pants. He made clothes in the 90s. He's famous for his pants.

Yeah, pants in the 90s. Pants in the 90s, yeah. I was like, hey, bring those pants back to the 90s. Scott, do you mind? Yeah? Can I just feel what you're... Can I just put both my hands on your neck? Oh, do that.

Oh, you said you wanted a massage. You said neck was hurting. Yeah, my neck is kind of hurt. Yeah, go ahead. Okay, good. Good. Here we go. Let me just get...

Put one in the front. One on the front? One in the back. Are you going to whisper anything to me? Just make sure I'm not choking. It's almost over. Are you kidding? Are you kidding?

Are you kidding? Oh, see, that's from my... Are you kidding about choking, Sam? Yeah. Okay. And then it... What's going on? Your hands are so weak.

You don't have a lot of hand strength. Your hands are really weak. Oh, wait. I am wearing a bulletproof vest with a little bit of a dickie. A turtleneck? You have a dickie on your vest. Bulletproof dickie. I didn't see it coming.

It's a suit. Can I ask you a question? Thank God you had the bulletproof dickie on. Thank you. I want a new... I want a new desk in my office. Is that something you could craft? Oh, sure.

I make furniture all the time. I had an Mason job. Have you ever tried to sing a little shop of horror song? It seemed like... Suddenly, Seymour. Yeah. Amazing. Standing beside me.

Oh, okay. He's perfect. You don't need no money. Makeup? Money? Sure. Is it something like that? She was pulling a gun and facing it towards you.

Oh. Oh, whoop. Is that a gun made out of Mason girls? This is... Yeah. Well, this is... This gun is for... I did make it.

You made it. We can tell. We can tell, yes. I did make it. At a Mason job. Now, it doesn't... The muzzle is pointing the wrong way. I know.

That was a design for... Pointing towards yourself. Yeah. It sort of... Scoops around like this. Yeah, like a cartoon gun. And so I have to... Yeah.

So I have to, you know... Anyway, I... Yeah. But that was just to show you. It wasn't to use on you, Scott. Okay. Tell us more about your projects. Do you have any upcoming projects coming up?

Well, Siwa, I have... Well, I have to do a couple hits. Oh, okay. So that's a project. That's always a project. So you've only killed two people right now. Who were they? Were they twins or...?

No, they were not twins. They were not really... They were on opposite side of the world. Oh, my God. Really? Like directly opposite? Wait a second. They were directly out there in sister cities.

You said you killed two different people. Yeah. Were they young people? Were they the son and daughter of somebody? Well, they... They might have been. I don't know. They were on two different sides of the earth.

Not sure who you're talking about, Beth. He was... Well, my kids died of choking. Yes, and she makes crabs. Oh, they were crabs. They did have beef with Tommy Hilfiger. And I should say Tommy Hilfiger... He had hired me for all the hits.

Are you exclusive to Tommy Hilfiger? Well, I'm not... He doesn't... I'm not like on Retina. But he does... He isn't one who hires me the most. How many people have Tommy Hilfiger had killed, I mean? Oh.

Oh. You don't want to know. Really? You don't want to know. And because I came... I started working for him not that long ago. So he's had... He's had a lot of people.

A lot of contact killer. Wow. How would someone even know to hire you? You're obviously a craftsperson. That's your passion. Yeah, I had to get into the business. He's my business card. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. That went right into my neck. Christ, thank God that Dickie was there. Yeah, who? He stuck right into the bulletproof Dickie. Oh, interesting. Stoot.

Razor sharp edges. Yeah, there's a razor taped to the back of it. Oh, that's what it is. But of course, that's not what's stuck into it. It's just taped to the back. Yeah, you can't even use that razor to make a design for it. You have glass-lined razor blades. That's right.

That's right. Well, I get that part of the problem with some of my hits go off without a hit. Oh. I think we all said, oh, like that's a bad thing. Well, no, it just sounds like- For you, that's good. Oh, I know. It's very good.

Yeah, they go off without a hit. But for some of them- Oh, hitch, hitch, hitch. Hitch, hitch, hitch. Hitch, hitch, hitch. Say hit, then hitch. Hitch, hitch. Hitch, then hitch.

Hitch, then hitch. No, say hit first. Hi. And then hitch. Hello. What's the movie that Will Smith started? Ew. It wasn't in-

The slap, the slap. The slap. The slap. The slap. The slap. The wooches, Kevin James. Wait, causes Kevin James, isn't that, is that mole rats? No.

And Will Smith isn't in mole rats. Yeah. Oh. Although he would have done a great job. Yeah. Hey, Scott. Oh, yeah, what's up? Sit on this knife.

Don't do it, Scott. I really want to do it. Scott, don't do it. I really want to do it. You have to do it this way. It feels so good. Sit on it. It'll feel good?

I promise. Try. It'll feel good. What part of my butt should I sit on it with? Oh, my God. All right, go. It's going to ruin your kisser. Be careful.

It's going to ruin your kisser. Be careful. Although it's exactly perfectly shaped for the hole, just like you're talking about with like a sausage or a... It's perfect for your hole. Let me get some of that throat lube. Yeah, grab the throat lube. There you go.

Okay. Whoa. Whoa. Where'd the knife go? Went right in and out. Where is it? Oh, shoot. Well, I make all of my instruments of death with my Mason job.

Oh, that's cool. Well, it's kind of cool, but sometimes they don't... They're not super effective. Right. Like, you saw the gun. I think you're over three right now. It's true. It's true.

But I can't be really good because nobody suspects it. Yeah, nobody sees you coming. But I'm really... I mean, you told us right off the bat. I guess I... Yeah, I guess I was pretty. And you carried a bag with all deadly weapons in it. It's making a lot of noise.

There's a lot of masonry in there. Mason jar. What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? Why are you swinging? She's swinging it like a nun jug.

Yes, it's a star on a nun jug. Yeah, you can just throw those. You don't have to swing it around. Oh, really? You've got to confuse. Oh, dude. Dude, you know what? What do you like doing better?

Do you like the crafting better or the killing people better? You've only killed two people. Oh, I know. I know. And I didn't even get to see it. What do you mean? How do you kill them? Well, I made commemorative Legos out of glass because I knew one of them loved Legos.

And so I crafted a lot of Legos out of Mason jar and I put it in a box and I got into circulation because I knew it, would. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Becky, look at that. Oh, Becky, look at that. Oh, Becky, look at that, but. Oh, my God. Becky, look at that butt.

So anyway, that was one. So I assume it went okay. And then the other one was. Oh, my God, Becky, look at that butt. Becky. Becky. Becky. Oh, my God.

If Becky was alive right now, she would be like 105 years old. Oh, my God. But she never looked at that butt. Yeah. He gave her a shot. Round. She died of heart attack, right? Yeah, she drowned of a heart attack.

I said it was round. It was round. And she drowned of heart attack. She drowned and drowned. You best not has killed my son. What? What? What was your son's name?

What was your son's name? Henrold. Henrold. Henrold. Wait a minute. And how old would he be if he were alive now? My son would be 54 years old. Oh, no, then that wasn't me.

Oh, okay. Oh, wait. Because I'm 22. Oh, wow. No, I'm 17. I'm 70. You're 70. You are kidding.

I'm 70. But you bought it for a second? Of course. You look really good. Thank you so much. Really sexy. Wow. Jesus Scott.

Scott, you're a nice Scott. She's trying to kill you, Scott. I'm just, maybe it's a thing, a fetish I have for people trying to kill me. The people trying to kill you? But you look really good. Hey, if you think so, why don't you go put your head in? Don't. Put your head in this.

Don't. Is this like an easy bake oven that you made? Put your head in this. Yes, it's an easy bake oven. Yes. You can cook anything in there. Okay. Yeah.

Go ahead and put your head in. Why? Be careful, Scott. Oh, look at it. I really want to look at this. Be careful. You will believe what I did. You know what's in there?

A little burner. Be careful, Scott. I know what it is. I think it's the light bulb. If there was a little burner, there'd probably be a little person keeping that fire alive, right? Oh, no. Do you think that you're the person that could make that type of farmer?

It's downsizing in there? We got a watch. We got a watch. We got a watch. Let's all stick our heads in here. We got a watch. We got a watch. Downsizing.

Oh, no, no, no, no. All of you, no. No, no, no, no. Oh, no. It exploded. Oh, no, no, no. Three heads in there made it explode. Oh, my God, Becky.

So cute. Becky. Oh, my God, Becky. Look at that. But. Oh. You are so bad at this. Fuck you.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, I got Barb. I think he should kill her. Why kill me? Kill Henry. Kill Henry. Kill me. I guess that's how it goes.

I can just sort of change my target. Yeah. As needed. I guess. Try your best. Oh, by the way, try to choke him. Try. And then we'll see if Scott learned enough from him.

By the way, do you think you've taught us enough about how to look whenever that we can save your life? I think so. All right. The sternum, the eight fingers, I know it all. All right. You know it all. Put this mason jaw down your mouth.

Down your mouth. Go on. Put it in. Okay. Okay. Take off your shirt, Scott. Okay. I'll take it off my shirt.

All right. I'll take it off my pants. Take off your shoes. Take off your shoes. Okay. And make sure that we put it. Okay, now. All right.

Okay, I break away. Oh, I break away pants. I didn't need to take off my shoes. No, no, no. Put them back on. Okay. Now eight fingers from the belly button. Eight fingers.

I'm going to go right behind his neck. I'm going to go to whisper. Both of our eight fingers? Oh, so that'd be 16 fingers. 16 fingers? Okay. Okay. And on his mouth.

You're on his mouth. You're on his dick. Okay. Wow. He's really choking. He's not making a universal sign that he's choking. No, his fingers aren't sharp. He just cut the cheese.

Oh, he cut the cheese. Oh, it just let out the thing. Excuse me. Okay. You saw that? You can also do this. You can swallow and fart it out into the air if you're choking, if you want to. If you want to.

If you want to. So your son could just fart it? Yes. Oh, wow. I have to say, I'm so sorry that I'm responsible for killing your son. I had no idea it was your son. I thought you said it wasn't him. She was joking.

Oh. You thought she said she was choking. You're joking? No, I'm Bob. Bob. Okay, Bob. Bob. I have another question though.

Yeah? Because as you all know, I love knickknacks, of course. You know, I'm a craftsman. I didn't know that. How would I have known that? We just met you. As you all know, I'm a demon. We don't know.

We literally just met you. Well, I love crafting. And so I, but I have knickknacks all over my house. But I have to say. I have something in my house. I bring it with me all the time because I don't know where it belongs. Okay. But maybe you all can help me.

Yeah, what is it? Yeah, pull it out. It's a little key. What are you talking about? I don't know what it goes to. Where did you get it? I got it from my grandmother. Oh, my God.

It looks like it would fit in like a tiny cage. Like a tiny dick cage. Hold on a second. Wait a second. We took your pants off to give you the hind leg. What is around your dick right now? Look, it's a cage. My dick is in solitary.

What? What did it do? My dick started to fight. Barb. My dick started to fight. What's your key? My dick. Scott, can you do the foley for her putting the key in the dick?

Yeah, here we go. Wait. This is, we are each other's person. Wait, wait. We're so many? Yes. You killed both of his kids and you might be his so many. But I don't care.

Dip it in the throat loop before. Dip it in the throat loop. Dip it in the throat loop. Okay. Now stick it in the key. All right. Okay. Here I go.

Wow. It really got messy. And turn it. Here I go. Oh my God. Look. That was a heavy duty doer. Oh my God.

That's the vacuum packed seal erupting. My dick is seeing the light of day for the first time in 60 years. Oh my God. It's so pale. It's like a worm. My dick was wrongfully accused. Of what? It's been in jail.

It's been let out. Did it bother me? It's free. What did it do? It was in the same place as a murderer. And it got convicted. Oh no. Into a jail?

Yes. In a dick cage? Siri. Siri. Are you asking Siri for it somehow? The podcast. The podcast. Tell me what a jail is.

The podcast. Siri. Oh, Siri. No. You know the podcast about Adnan. Serial. Serial. That was about my dick.

That was about your dick. Serial. That was about your dick. That was about your dick. It sounds like Dick Adnan. Okay. This seems like a butcher went the wrong way. And the worst way to …

We had a great episode. Yeah. And no, I'm kidding. Oh, you are kidding. This is all. Are you joking? Are you joking? Are you joking?

Yes, I'm joking. No. No, I'm not joking. No! No, I'm not kidding. No. Oh no, you put the cage back on. Oh no!

No. And I swallowed the key. No. That throat loop made it so easy. I know. It just slipped right down. So what happens now? Nobody can open the cage?

Shit. Shit it out is what you're saying. I have to shit out. You need to shit out the key. Barb, do you have a … Oh, I can't do that by command. Of course not. I can't do that.

I command you to shit out the key. Oh my gosh, you're shitting. He just caught you by command. Oh my God, look at all those mason jars. Oh my God. Oh my God. Our mason jars, Barb. Our mason is so crafty.

Of course just … I only eat mason jars. It was just mason jars. No key. No key. You need time to digest. Of course. We got to play by the real rules.

Yeah, maybe another segment. Okay. Because we have to take a break. Oh, we do. Yeah, but by then you'll maybe you'll have digested it. Yeah. Please. Hey, hold this bomb.

Oh, yeah, sure. No problem. Be careful, Scott. I really want to hold it though. He said bomb. He just set the time a hit. Oh no. 13 hours, Barb.

13 hours. I can't do shit. She said 13 minutes, I think. Even 13 minutes is too long, Barb. Isn't 13 hours when you have to go to your daughter's wedding? So what are you going to do? Were you guys talking before the talk? I can't miss it because I'm the matron of water.

Okay. You're going to blow up your daughter's wedding. Be careful. So you got to shut it off. Shut it off, Barb. I can't do what to say. Turn it off. Oh, shit.

All right. Well, we got to take a break. It's not going to take 13 hours, but we will be back in a few minutes. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Comedy bang bang, we're back and Ben Schwartz had to leave unfortunately, but hey, he's our good friends. We'll do the rest of the show in honor of him. Yes.

Henry Heimlich is here. Hello. How are you, Scott? Thank you so much for finally asking. I want to check in with you. I really have been waiting for that. Nobody checks in with you this late in the show. You've been over like 45 minutes.

Are you okay? I'm good. Good. I'm not choking if that's what you're getting to. No, don't choke. There's a lot of Barb nuts here. I'm here as well. Yeah, you are.

What's going on? Oh, I just see in my face. You're waving the air in front of your face. Yeah, yeah. We have to... Just dinky in here. Yeah. Oh, well, I mean, he's been cutting the cheese this entire time.

Yes, I'm sorry. I have a big block of brie over here and also I'm farting. I think the two are related. Oh, and that noise is the... You heard him. You heard him here. You heard him. He's a professional groaner.

I don't know what that means. Please welcome Johann Breitbark. Hi, guys. My name is Johann Breitbark. How are you? Barb. I love your work. Oh, thank you so much.

Breitbark. Not to be confused with Breitbark. Yes. You can just call me Johann, too. I don't have to do it in the last name. That just happened. Are you switching to a mononym? I'm sorry.

What's a mononym? Just my first name? Like Madonna or Shesh? Yeah, exactly. So you know what it is. I know who Shesh is. I know Madonna and Shesh. Do you guys know Shesh?

Who's Shesh? Who's Shesh? Shesh is an incredible singer-dancer. Oh, I think that's a double threat. If you believe me, you can rub up your Shesh. Oh, yes. I know Shesh. You know Shesh?

Yes. Do you know Madonna? Yes. Shesh, Madonna, Beyonce. Beyonce. Beyonce. Yes. Madonna, Shesh, and Beyonce.

That's right. Those are all the monochromes that I know. Welcome to the show. You're a professional groaner. What does that mean? Yes. What I do is I groan either for sexual or for little things. Sometimes people don't understand.

When you're a child, you only know crying and groaning. Crying. Crying, groaning, laughing. Laughing. Well, I've never heard a child laugh. You've never heard a child laugh? No, no, no. I've heard them groan.

I've heard them go, oh. I've never heard them laugh. Interesting. Have you ever said anything funny around a child? Of course. You want to hear one of my jokes? Yes. I'd love to hear one.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Okay. So let's do it real quick. I'll show you how I work. Wow. And you tell me when you feel satisfied with my groans. Okay.

I can have a whole conversation with you just groaning. Okay. So when do we feel satisfied? So I'm going to right now talk to Barb and only groan. Okay. Barb, you tell me exactly when you understand what I'm saying. Okay. I think it's so fun.

Here we go. Ready? Okay. I'm ready. Yes. Barb immediately knows. Well, no. I mean, not every day.

So she's on the same page immediately. Immediately. Okay. Oh, wow. I do. I guess I do. I understand it. You speak groan.

Yes. And mostly people do because when you're a baby, all you know is groans and crying. That was so interesting. So usually when I do it to people to unlock something deep, you saw Barb just had to really question something in her life. Right. Yeah. What was going on?

What is he talking about? Barb's crying. I asked her about her parrot. Oh. Someone asked her about her parrot. What about your parrot? My parrot. My parrot is sick.

Your parrot is sick. Sick? In what way? He's sick. He's dead. Tell sick my name is Yolan. Okay. No, Scott, ready?

Yolan. Yolan. He's dead though? He got so sick. He's dead. He's so sick. He's dead. He didn't choke.

Did he? He didn't choke. No. Those old flowers, they pop open. How old would he be if he were alive right now? Oh, he'd be 21. Oh, no. He'd be able to drink.

And now he can't. I'm sorry. Barb, I'm sorry. It's a never drink. That might be what he died of, by the way, if you never gave him any water. No, I thought he had to be 21 to drink. No, that's how a call of beverages for adults. So your parrot died of cirrhosis of the liver, maybe?

My parrot, well, he'd never drank. I didn't give him anything to drink. Henry, you shouldn't be talking. Really? Mmm. Mmm. But why? They said they were going to be early though.

Oh my God. Mmm. Mmm. Well, that's good news. Mmm. I thought they were going to do that. Mmm. Mmm.

No. You know what he did? Good news or bad news? I can't tell. I just broke him. I just told him the bad news. Henry, Henry, what's going on? Ask him about his grilled cheese factory.

Henry, what's going on with the grilled cheese factory? It burned down. It burned down. No. Oh, it was so sick. It burned down. No. No.

You know what's so interesting? Yes, Barb. Is that I didn't understand your groans that you were speaking to Henry. They're personal. They're different people. They're different people, yeah. They're so nice for me.

I want people to know that everybody's business. Oh, okay. Didn't you prompt it us to ask each other? I did, yes. I mean, I immediately tell. I talk about the tragedy immediately. Right, but in during that thing, that was a time for just me and Henry.

Yes. So how did that feel, Henry? It felt amazing. And then? And then it felt... Did you hear about your grilled cheese factory? My grilled cheese factory burned down. Why do you have a grilled cheese factory?

Because of the best sandwich of all time. Oh, but he makes his grilled cheese is very different than we make our grilled cheese. Oh, really? He's on the outside bread on the inside. That's it. Oh, okay. So you can't hold it with your hands

fresh out in the pot. And he make them in pots. And make them in a pot. I stir them around in a pot. They bubble up. How do you eat them? Tell them how you eat them. Because you can't put your hands

on the grilled cheese. You have to go... Just scooping right out. Let me finish. This grilled cheese is mostly cotton candy. Oh, okay. Yes. You have to have cotton candy.

You have to. You have to. Now, Scott. Yes. You think your life is all normal? You don't have any secrets? I don't think I do. Oh, you're about to get groaned.

I'm in an open book. You're about to get groaned. You're about to get groaned. Here we go. I mean, that's one way to look at things. On the other hand, of course, there's an idea as well. What's that?

How would you do something in that manner? Of course. Yes, that is the way. Every time? Except for that time? And then go down to that street? Scott, tell them about your grilled cheese factory. God, you have one too?

I built one from the ashes of the old grilled cheese factory. And now? And now it's more successful than ever. That's correct. Sometimes the girls are good news. Wow. It's whatever your heart desires. Henry, are you jealous?

Yes, he used the ashes of my grilled cheese factory and made a more successful one. It's so hard to build things out of ashes. You're a crafter yourself. But you know, ash can also be turned into glass. Oh, interesting. That's true. And then you used a mason jar.

I just wanted to say that. Interesting. You're obsessed with this rustic mason jar. When's the first time you ever saw a mason jar? Give me a second, Scott. Yes, it was in. Well, of course. Oh, my God.

Tell everybody. What happened? The first time I saw a mason jar, I was in utero. Whoa. And everybody thinks you can't remember that time. How did you see what? Barbara remembers everything from the nine months she was inside of her mom.

OK, tell us everything. OK, well, so it started and I was like, it's dark in here. It is. So this was conception? Because that's where life begins, right? That's correct. It's good for you. It starts.

This is a really good argument. We should talk about it now. We should talk about it this second, Scott. We need to get the word out on when conception, when life begins. And I was facing down. I remember I was facing down. Facing down. Oh, that's good.

And you were not fully formed at this point. You were just... No, no, I was just a little bean. But I remember I was facing down. And I just... You were a bean? I was a bean. And I just have...

I had eyes. Eyes are the first thing. You were a bean with eyes. I had a bean with googly eyes. I had a little googly eyes. Like a craft. You were a craft. You were a craft from the beginning.

That's right. And whenever I would turn my bean head, my eyes would go round and round about crazy. That explains why a lot of your left leg is Popsicle 6. You are a craft. You are a craft. It's mostly Popsicle... Well, I didn't want to do this,

but if I lift my third up, it's all felt. Oh, well... Wait, you're just like a craft come to life? Well, no, I'm a human bean. You're a human bean. You're a human bean. With googly eyes. I'm a human bean.

I just happened to have googly eyes. You smell like hot glue. Thank you so much. And so anyway, I was facing down with my googly eyes. And I was looking through my mom's kitha. And I saw... I saw a mason dog. You can see out.

You saw... This is the out. It's a window. It makes a better window than a door. Hey! Why would you have a mason jar so close to that? So maybe she was trying to catch the barb in a mason jar. I don't know.

Well, because it wasn't time for me to be born. Oh, wow. I was still just a little bean. Right. Maybe she was peeing. I had to gestate a little longer. A little bit, yeah. I bet.

Wow. Maybe she was peeing. I didn't see any pee. So the pee's in there with you, usually, if you're a baby. Maybe they're there with me. Well, I'm in charge of the pee. So the baby seems to have the pee. Release the pee.

By the way, did you ever have... I had no idea. Did you ever have pee bugs so the ladies know where the pee's supposed to go out? Absolutely. Because sometimes it comes out of the right spot and sometimes it comes out of the wrong spot. You were telling me that sometimes it comes out of the vagina and sometimes it comes out of the pee hole. Yes, sometimes.

And you have to have pee bugs. So you need those bugs. It's going down the wrong tube or whatever. Well, if it can go down the wrong pipe, it can come out the wrong pipe. That's right. That's me. Sorry? So you're in there like controlling pee with levers and stuff.

Yeah, yeah. This lever. This lever. Yeah, it's like that. Okay. It's almost like... It looks like a little bagpipe. Oh, yeah.

You know, we've got the little horns coming out of it and it's a big ol' thack. Oh, yeah. And we never... So I decide when she pees. So she wasn't peeing. She just had that mason job right under her kisser. Wow. And I don't know why.

I never asked her. Wow. But that instilled a love in them. Well, yeah, that was like... A love in them for you. A love in you for them. No, they love me too. They love you too.

The mason jars love you. They love me. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Are you and you're married, you said? Are we married to a mason jar? You're married to one big mason jar? His name's mason jar.

Life sex? Oh. He's the first name is mason. His last name is jar. And your last name is nuts. You didn't take his last name? No, I didn't. Because I'm a feminist.

Yeah. You don't want to be jar nuts? Well, it would be nuts jar, wouldn't it? Oh, my God. How's that cage doing? Yeah, how's that doing? It's locked up. The appeal did not go well.

Oh, no. So sorry. My dick and balls are back in jail for good this time. Dick balls back in jail. All right. Well, it's incredible, Johan, to have you here. Oh, thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.

I've let everybody's secrets out. I've done my job. You offered so much. Now I will turn into a bird. Will you? Yes, I turn into a series of birds. Does it happen in an instant? It happens over the course of 13 hours.

Oh, wait a minute. Well, 12 hours, 40 minutes now. Well, yeah, I have this bomb, by the way. I'm sorry? I've been holding this bomb. I'm sorry? I've been holding this bomb. Like a great joke that you're going to tell?

Or a bad joke? No, a literal bomb. Have you ever seen a bomb like this? I've never bombed before, if that's what you're asking. I play the magic club in Santa Monica. Oh, you do. I do the cheese sticks there. Oh, I know you.

You do the cheese sticks. I do only throat-shaped food at the comedy and magic club. What are the other throat-shaped foods? Popsicles. Popsicles. Huge gummy worm. Don't you get any ideas, anybody, looking at my left leg. Don't you get any ideas?

Oh, you won't take it. We're not going to turn into a popsicle. We're not going to take it. Oh, wait, there's a joke on it. There's a joke on popsicles once you finish this. Oh, yeah, that's right. All right, let's read your leg joke. What is a kisser, not a kisser?

Let's read the funny answer. Scott, can you read the funny answer? I can't see it from here. Go ahead. It's all the way over there. She's right next to you. Well, you read it every day. Oh, I can't.

No, I can't even say it. Henry, what is a kisser, not a kisser? I didn't have my glasses. I'm choking on them. I didn't have my glasses. I'm choking on them. You just took the glasses. You just kissed me.

And now they're crushed. You're the only one who could read this. All right. Let me see the joke again. Let me see the joke again. You can think of your name. When is a kisser? No.

I'm turning into a bird a bit quicker than I thought. Oh, no. The only person who can read this joke is not turning into a bird. When is a kisser, not a kisser? You would think that Barb would know her own joke. No, I can't read. Okay. That's probably why you put 13 hours instead of minutes.

Oh, shoot. You're funny. We're making justifications everywhere. It's got to be something, maybe something about hugs. Just read it. When is a kisser, not when is a kisser? Calm up your glasses and put them on. I'm still choking on my glasses.

Not. Do you need the Heimlich? Scott, take off your pants. No, not now. I'm taking off my pants. Wow. Don't you don't. Don't say me.

Don't say me. Don't say me. Put 16. Put 16. Put 16. Put 16. Put 16. Put 16.

Put 16. Put 16. Put 16. Put 16. Okay. When is a kisser, not a kisser? Yes. The answer of course.

Yes. When a kisser is not, when is a kisser? Right. What is a kisser, not a kisser? A kisser. That's a question. When is a kisser? Not a kisser, yes.

And then Scott weaned, it's right there. She's so far away from me. Yeah, Bob can you do me a favor and go right next to Scott? Yeah. Whoo, whoop, whoop, whoop. Scott, the question there says when is a kisser? She just ran right back to her seat. Right next to you.

Go to Scott, Barb. Go right to Barb. Okay, okay, okay. Tell me when you're there. Whoo. Oh my eyes. Oh, you broke his eyes. No, I can't read it.

Oh, you hooked me right at the heart. Can you go to Henry real quick? Yeah. I'm upside down. I can't read it. I'll read it. When is a kisser, not a kisser? When a knife strikes through it on a top of a double-decker bus.

Oh. It's specific to your mother. Oh my God. It's about your mom. Mom died. Mom, and this has been on my leg for as long as I can remember. Oh my God. I've always had this.

How old would you be if you were alive? Excuse me? She's 70. She told you. Oh my bad. Christ almighty. If I was, I am alive. I'm right here.

Sorry. But someone. You're not a ghost, right? No. Are you? You're about to be. Oh, damn. That's what she says before she kills you.

I just got nuts. Damn. That's as old as you will be getting. Oh my God. Because you're dead. Yeah, that's as old as you will be getting. Look at Becky. Look, I gotta pull off this hit before the end of the day.

Let her pull it off. Yeah. What do I need to do? This bomb is not getting. No. Kill her. Just kill him. Kill him, Barb.

Kill him, quick. Kill him, quick. I know, I know, I know. Kill him, quick. I know, I know, I know. Kill him, I know. Kill him, I know. How about this?

Kill him softly with your song. Okay. What's this? Filling with fear. Oh, how it hurts. Eating inside me. Oh, Scott, that's what. Feels kind of wet.

Stunning the money. Oh my God. There's blood in my ear. It's every buds day. It's every buds day. Every buds day. God. Suddenly, it's the people.

My brain feels like it's turning into goop. If you, if you want, if you want. He's turning into cotton candy. I'll be your wind. Oh my God. Brain, brain cotton. Oh, brain cotton candy. Nobody ever treated me good enough.

I don't care about you. Nobody ever treated me kindly. Did you do both parts? Mama left early. Papa was cool. That actually made it congeal a little bit. Oh, yeah. That was so good.

The men's part. The men's part screws the back up. Yeah, yeah. Oh man. That was close. Very close. You almost turned into cotton candy and died. You almost got me.

Scott, I have to say, I know it's my job, but I don't want to kill you. What happens at the night? You know, I'm having a great time. I'm having a great time with you. What's your name again? Barb Nuts. That's right. Well, never mind.

God, I'm sorry, Barb. You know what? Fuck you. Jesus. Barb has had love moments with two. Barb has had love moments with two or three people here. Yes, he did. Johann, are you a bird yet?

He's half a bird. He's flying away. Bye. Goodbye, Johann. Goodbye, Johann. Who's that? What was that bird doing? Hey, Ben.

You're back. What was that bird? It's a man named Johann who's a professional grown-up. Plus I'm a grown-up. Why are you noticing bird? Who are you? The guy who notices Superman? The fuck is wrong with you?

Look at the bird. Every time I see a bird, I don't go like, hey, look at that bird. I do. If it's a beautiful bird, that's a beautiful bird. Or it could have been a plane. What? Is it a bird or is it a plane? Are you doing a Superman thing?

It's got to be one or the other. Suddenly, Seymour. Seymour. All right, guys. We're running out of time. No. Can you believe it? No.

No. That's true. We only have time for one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Oh. Jesus Christ. Wow. Okay.

That was... Christ Almighty. That was... I don't know who that was. Oh, okay. It's Levi and his loose lips with, like, how they said it in the movie, the Sandlot Sorda. You're really not selling this song, Scott. That is the information that I was given.

Thank you so much to Levi and his loose lips. Thank you, Levi. Thank you, Levi. And Ben, what do you want to plug? What's going on? January is coming out. January, February, March, April, May. Keep going.

Keep going. Isn't that the end of the song? No. That's as far as he goes. January, February, March, April, May. There's a whole song. Who is that? It's Wyclef.

Yes. February, March, April, May. It's gone to November. It's gone to November. It doesn't go past May, does it? Does he go June, July, August, September? So he skips this summer. Yeah, he skips.

He's not a summer guy. No, he hates it. Remember Summer Girls? Wasn't that a song? No. Oh, yeah. I want to make them an Abercrombie fish. Tommy Hilfiger.

I like girls that wear Abercrombie and fish. Okay, so January, go watch the after party season one. That might be fun for everybody. It's fun for everyone. That's a great show. What else is out right now? I don't know. Have fun.

Yeah, just have fun. It's a new year. It feels coming in April. Die Hard 2, me, Kevin Hart, John Cena, Natalie Manuel, and Paula Pell, who's amazing. Has Paula Pell been on this show yet? No. Paula Pell is so, so funny. She was married to Robin Thicke.

Is that who that is? Who is that? Paula, that's a different Paula. That's a different Paula. Paula Patton. Paula Patton. She should be on the show. Paula Pell plays my mom in this movie.

This is called Die Hard, Erica Pell directed it, and then Renfield in April. Those are the two things we can do. Those are the two things. They go to Rejected Jokes. Oh, if this is January, I've announced that I'm touring places. Whoa, incredible. Where are you touring? I don't know if I'm allowed.

I don't know what I'm allowed. I don't know when it's, I don't know when it's coming. I can't. Okay. But go to rejectedjokes.com. Or don't. It'll be there. All right.

Henry. Go to rejectedjokes.com and the tour dates will be there. That's more important. Go there. All right. Henry, what do you want to promote? One new thing I have called lung teeth. What?

What do you mean lung teeth? It helps chew if it goes down the wrong pipe. Oh, okay. You get teeth in your lungs. Teeth in your lungs. And they chew your food so you don't choke anymore. Holy, that sounds like it'd be so much more easy to choke on the teeth in your thing. I would take, I would take out my mouth teeth.

Yes, you just swallow, you suck them down. Yeah. And they grow down there. And you just chew down there. It's easier. Closer. In Papua New Guinea, they talked about how women's vaginas would have teeth on the inside. Yes.

You know what I'm talking about? Yes. That's the prototype. So it's in production? Yes. But nothing's ever done. Everything's in production for you. I have so much and all the factories burned down.

Oh, my goodness. Cheese factory, everything. I'm sorry, dude. I know. Barb nuts. What do you want to plug? Hey-yo. Hey-yo.

That's the first time you said it. Is that something you say it's the first time you said it? I know. Normally people don't say my first and last name when they call me. Barb nuts. Hey-yo. I'd like to promote Mason Jobs. You can do so much with them.

Put food boy. Put food boy. Put food boy. Put food boy. Put food boy. Put food boy. Put food boy. Put food.

What's the last word? Make preservatives. Put food boy. Boy. You keep saying it. I don't know what you're saying. Put food boy. Put food boy.

Put. Put food away. Food. Food. Buy. Buy. Put food buy? Put food boy.

That doesn't make sense either. Wait. What are you saying? Like when the food was made? No. Put food buy. Put it buy. Put it near?

Yeah. Put food buy. You could pick a thing. Are you a put food boy? No. See, I'm not. But I would like to put food. You're not a put food boy.

I'm an eat food boy. I'm an eat food boy. I'm an eat food boy. I'm a put food gal. I don't put food anywhere. You sure are. I don't put food anywhere except my mouth. Whoa, dude.

What is wrong with you? Your dick gate is bursting in the seams. My cake. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, my God. She's making a movement. Put the key. Put the key.

Unlock. Unlock. Unlock. It is covered in shit. It's covered in poop. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Don't worry about it. She's rubbing it all over your penis. It's okay. Ew. Ew. Well, I'm sorry. It's okay. I'm crying.

Some of this shit is too hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's not fitting in the lock. Oh, no. Shit. Did they change the lock on the appeal? Oh, no.

The landlord came and changed the locks. Oh, no. Oh, no. Shit. No. I'm so sorry. So I wanted to promote that in it. The landlord?

I wanted to promote. My dick's landlord. The dick's landlord. What about that video? The landlord. Did you ever see it? No. Oh, yeah, that did.

Yes, the beginning of it. The pearl. Adam McKay's kid, Pearl. The beginning of the internet. How old is Pearl now? She would be 100 years old today. She's alive. How dare you.

And so, and that's what I want to promote. Okay. And Scott, if you just want to come with me to traffic. Don't you travel to the club? Oh, I was actually going to call some people on the street from my new phone. Oh, that's good. You got all the numbers of all the people. Yeah.

Are you walking into traffic? I'm walking into traffic. Scott, would you like to join me? Oh, yeah, I'd love to. Yeah, let me finish everything. In fact, that plane that flew overhead, you got all their numbers, right? Oh, yeah, I'm going to call them. That's cool.

Let everyone know. All right. I want to plug, hey, the comedy bang bang book. It's coming out in three months or so. You can still order it. Go to CBBworld.com slash book. Is it a hard copy book? It is a hardcover.

That's cool. Hardcover. You're in it, Ben. I wrote something for it. And this guy, Drew Tarver is in it. That's exciting. And this woman, Mary Holland is in it. That's exciting.

She's like a bit. No, she's awesome. She's awesome. I hate her. So go check those out. And while you're at CBBworld.com, go sign up. And if you sign up for a year, you get two months free. All right.

Now we, here's, here's, it's a new year, Ben. Oh, you guys don't know this. It's a new year. What happens at the end of this. So can you explain it to them? Okay. Let me explain. So a few years back.

Many, many years. We were closing. I got confused somehow. We were closing up the plug bag, but I thought that we were opening it. And I asked Ben to sing a song about opening it. And we were stuck with a song to close up the plug bag, saying that it should be open. Is that true that you made a mistake? I think.

Okay. None of our stories. We've been doing this together for probably 10 years. We don't remember. We don't remember. And people ask how. Other than you, other than you invented Riddle Me This. Can we talk about.

And you always say, this is a great game. Yeah. You invented it. Basically, the kisser thing is Riddle Me This. Exactly. What were we talking about? 10 years. We've been telling stories.

Right. You're the one who wants to say it. Keep going. I don't know. But in any case. So we always close it. I literally forgot what I was going to say. Yeah.

Man, I'm supposed to do improv. And from a long part of my life. You're going on tour. I guess so. You cannot forget like this. I cannot forget like this. You need like, I'm like of the memory. Oh, that'd be great.

Have you invented something like that? I'm trying to. I get it. I'm very close. Is it in prototype? Yeah. Your brain is choking. Oh, so what do we do?

It's basically what's happening. Yeah. Yeah. I need to make a fist. You're just hitting him in the head. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Is it working? My God. Becky. Look at her butt. Okay. It made us think of something for a while. Sure.

Let's hope. Yes. Every year since then, we fucked up somehow. And Ben, you've started us off and you've sang about. I won't fuck up this time. Opening the plug bag. This is a closing the plug bag. I know either.

I know that people are going to remix it all year. This song that's about to be sung is used for every episode for the entire year. To close it up. Yeah. But it's specifically to close. Yes. And I will sing it. And if you guys want to join in.

And if you want to join in at any point. And we just have to make sure we're closing. We're closing the plug bag. I wrote the word close on my hand. Oh, you did? So I will not forget this. I'll look at your hand when I come in. And it has been so many years.

That just says clothes. And not. Right. I was choking on my glasses earlier. But they came up and I have them now. Okay. You can see. So read the end of that kiss or dirt.

Do you remember what it was? It was something about her mother's vagina. Great. All right. So Betty, start us off. We're going to sing about closing the plug bag. Okay. Jess, everybody knows we are not going to say the word open.

No. Okay. And we don't say suddenly theme or. You can sing it if you want. I'll start this thing off. If you feel inspired to join. Jump in. You can jump in.

Okay. Scott, you tell me when we're ready. Three, two, one. Doors are made for closing. So we take them up and shut them tight. And then doors are made for locking. So we take our key and make it right. We turn it to the right.

Oh, no, that unlocked it. It's time to open the plug bag. And open the plug. Open the plug. Open the plug bag. Open the plug bag. Build and turn it back. When the plug life.

Open the plug bag. Open the plug, open the plug. Open the plug. Open the plug todo. Open the plug. Open, open the plug bag. Open the plug bag. Open the plug bag.

Open the plug bag. Love's. Open the plug. And open the plug. Oh, when you're feeling real town and the moon is right, open the plug bag. Open the plug bag. Get your friends together and open it up.

You gotta open up the plug bag. Here we come. Get your friends together and open up the plug. Open. Wow. That was perfect. Okay, I feel like it was mostly about opening it. I feel like when you listen to it back.

When you listen to it back. It started about maybe being about close. But what happened to the doors? The door got unlocked. And then what happened? And then it opened. And then the plug bag. When you gotta turn it to the right.

Turn it to the right. Oh, no. That opens it. That opens. That doesn't lock. That doesn't lock it. He was tripped. He was tripped.

He was tripped in the song. Oh, no. It's open. Oh, no. At least we got an oh, no in there. Oh, no. You can hear him. Oh, no.

Right. That's good. That's good. Maybe we could also record. Oh, my God. Becky, look at that bud. Yes. I think so.

So people could also add that. Oh, my God. What's the lyrics then? Oh, my God. Let's see how many words we can do. Becky, look at her bud. Oh, my God. Becky, look at her bud.

Or her. Oh, my God. Becky, look at her bud. Now. Oh, my God. Becky, looking at this bud. Okay? Now.

Oh, my God. Becky, look at her bud. Now. Oh, my God. Becky, look at her bud. Oh, my God. Becky, look at our bud. A second, one bud.

We don't stop until we get the same word for that, right? Oh, my God. Becky, look at her bud. Oh, my God. Becky, look at his bud. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Becky, look at her bud.

Okay, now. Oh, my God. Becky, look at her bud. Okay. Oh, my God. Becky, look at her bud. Okay. Oh, my God.

Becky, look at your bud. Okay, we'll never hear that get! Look at her bud. Look at her bud. Wow. Incredible. Incredible. All right.

Well, that closes it up, definitely. I think so. Yeah, definitely. Guys, I want to thank you so much. Benny Schwahl, always good to have you on the show. Love you. Thank you for having me. Another year, by the way.

Continue success 2023. The only year that we've been alive that has a two? Another two. Three. 2032 is right around the corner. They're on the corner. I'll meet you guys right back here then. Henry Hyme, always good to see you.

Oh, my gosh. Great to see you. How are you, Scott? Thank you for checking in. It's over. It's over. And Barb. Hello.

Hello. You have one final gift for me? I sure do. Oh, what is this? Well, this is what I like to call a big old. This is... Big old piece of you can do. What is it?

A big old? Come on, Barb. I like call a big old. We're starting over. Okay. This is what I like to call a big old. This is what I like to call a big old. Okay, now, this is what I like to call a big old.

Okay, this is what I like to call a big old. Watch out! Her butt is poison. Her butt is poison! He's�g! He's�g! He's�g! So where is that coming?

Thanks, Barb! Are you serious? You're serious about this? Yeah. Okay. No, don't do it. Hit me. I'm sorry.