Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2013 Pt 4

Episode Date: January 2, 2014

And now the exciting conclusion to the best of 2013 countdown with special guest Paul F. Tompkins. What will be the number one episode of 2013? You'll have to tune in to find out!

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by our good friends over at Bonobos! Bonobos is a men's apparel company that has an amazing line this season of everything from wash chinos, denim, sweaters, and casual shirts to suits, dress shirts, and blazers. Go to bonobos.com, b-o-n-o-b-o-s dot com! They're offering a special deal use the coupon code bang bang to get 20% off your first purchase. We're counting down your top episodes of Comedy Bang Bang of 2013. I have comedian Paul F. Tompkins here. We're going to hear episode 3 down to 1! That's right, all of that and more, all on today's! All right Comedy Bang Bang, this is it, huh? I can't believe it. Just like Michael Jackson.

Do we know any lyrics to any of the songs that we've sung over these four best ofs? Here's what I think we know. A good chunk of them. Like, we know probably a good two-thirds of any song. I think between us, we almost know a song. Yeah, almost, but within that two-thirds, it's really only two-thirds of each sentence of every song. Can you think of any...that's also true. Can you think of any song that we know the entire... What song would we know...would you guess that we both know all of the lyrics to? Wow, this is tough. A popular song. Like excluding the alphabet or happy birthday.

Oh man, this is really tough. I don't...because I don't know how many songs I know every word to. I'm not great with lyrics. What are you, John Bryan, right? You can't know every single song? That's true. That's also true. I don't know. Something from a musical I would imagine. Probably Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It was red and yellow. But I see...I don't know any of the words to that song. Yeah. And I've never seen that show. You've never seen it, really? Never seen it, never heard the soundtrack. What about Jesus Christ Superstar? That, I remember, my eighth grade teacher. I went to Catholic school and my eighth grade teacher, who was not a clergy person, played that

recording for us. The original cast recording. It was a little spicy because it was like...it was very challenging. What was the point of his... Her sexist. Wait, is the doctor a woman? That's right. That's why I couldn't operate on her. Because I'm an Orthodox Jew and she's not my wife, so I cannot touch her. My wife's fighting that light. You got it in every single one, I think. AMC is the killing. What? Okay, I make that pact as well. Anytime anyone mentions not... It can't just be the killing. It's got to be AMC is the killing. Which, by the way, is moved off of AMC, so I don't know why they... What is it on now? It's on Netflix or something now, isn't it, for the new year? What? It jumped networks. Oh, they should send out cards.

We've moved. That's a picture of the cast of the killing with boxes. They're all smiling. Even Peter Sarsgaard. Even Peter Sarsgaard. Paul, this is... Actually, we're in 2014 now. We just went through the new year. Did you make any new year's resolutions? I resolve to be a better husband, friend, employee, employer, father, brother, nephew, and uncle. I think you're going to get one of those. Oh, yeah. I meant to say one of them. Just one out of the ten. Surely, I will end up being a better one of those by the end of the year. Well, you know, keep trying. That's fantastic. Keep your feet on the ground. Keep reaching for

the stars. Well, here we are. It's already 2014, but we're looking back at 2013. This is the part four of your best of, and we're going to go down from three to one during this episode. That's how it goes. This is pretty exciting. I have to say that we heard a pretty close squeaker in the last episode between number six and five. We have a similar squeaker here between three and two. More squeaking. That's right. I'm about to get up on the table and hike my petticoats up around because I feel like there's mice in here. I'm about to get out my WD-40 and shit. Y'all are going to make me get my WD-40 out and shit up in this piece. Me and Lil set up. Coming to get some WD-40. Oh, I love it. He's a little squeaker. Yes, he's a little squeaker. So

we're going to hear three, then we're going to hear two, then we're going to hear your top episode of the year. This is exciting. We're going to count down three. Three, two, one. We're going to do it. This, I swear, unless we die before it happens. There's going to be three hits. Us at number three, then at number two, then at number one. We're never going to hit the ground. And we're not going to hit you. Because we're not going to die. Really, that would be the only thing that would keep us from doing three, two, one, I think, is us dying. Even a fire or an earthquake. I think in the event of a fire earthquake, we could still rush through. Even just give the names of the episodes and run out the door. We wouldn't do all this bullshit. No. Oh,

my God, no. No. All right. So, Paul, are you ready? Can we get into it? Yes. Are you as ready as you'll ever be? Because that's where I need you to be. I have cleansed my mind and soul and body. Wait, you cleanse your body? That took a shower. In between these episodes? Yep. Why is that? It's hot in this room. It's true. It is hot. It's late at night. All right. So, if you're just listening to this show for the first time, these are the top three episodes that people voted on of the year, and it is time for number three. All right. Number three. Here we go. This is from episode 200. Right on the 200 mark. A milestone. It is a milestone of sorts. That's right. And this is an episode, Paul, called Halfway to China.

Mm-hmm. All right. Now, this episode, we have Jason Manzuchus. Very funny. Very funny comedian. Hilarious, caught guy from Enlightened. You know him from the league also. He plays Rafi on the league. Sure. And he's a great guy. He's been on this show many times. And along with him have been various people. We had the honorary mayor of Hollywood. Chip Gardner. Chip Gardner, of course. We've had a guy named Don DeMello. Theatrical director. Director along with him. And in this instance, in this episode, we have a gentleman named Cactus Tony. He's a curious fellow. He is. Now, we're going to hear a little bit about him. In previous episodes, Don DeMello is a theatrical director. Here's a little setup. He is a theatrical director who has

a children's theater in Pasadena, where he does shows based on Disney animated features. Yes. But as he puts it, there is always a little something for daddy in these, meaning he gets the kids in there, but he gets their fathers in there and then gives them a little part of the show for them. Can I rephrase? Because I think this is a more succinct way of putting it. He just slaps the word Disney's in front of some old fairy tales. And then what happens when you get in there is a live sex show. You're right. That is a little better way to put it. A little shorter. So now we've heard from him a lot and he always referenced his sort of right-hand man, Cactus Tony. We had never met him before. This is our first time meeting him, all right? And Cactus

Tony had a lot of odd jobs to do during Don's productions and one of them, I believe, was daycare. Yes. Meaning at certain points, the kids would just kind of be shuttled off and the gentlemen... This is when the live sex show would essentially begin. Exactly. He would be taking care of the kids and he was negligent in some of his duties. He wasn't great at it. He was not. So we're going to hear a good chunk of this episode. This is from episode 200, Halfway to China. This is your number three. Cactus Tony, I want to figure out exactly what's happening because I hadn't heard this story. I guess what happened was the story about these children, the Rottweilers, basically what had happened was, was it a different production? It was not Disney's Peter Pan.

I don't think you're reading the funny papers, by the way. I think you find horrible news funny. I think you're calling the newspaper the funny papers. Yeah. That's a great point. Yeah, well, because you see maybe that it has pictures or something like this, so you think, oh, this must be the funny papers. I like the funny papers mostly. I mean, I appreciate art and drawings and stuff like that, but the funny papers with photographs is the best kind. You read about the Serbian conflict in the funny papers. That's right. So you're watching over these children. This is not Disney's Peter Pan anymore. So the Rottweilers are there with you. No, this happened on The Wizard of Oz. Disney's The Wizard of Oz.

And so the Rottweilers are there with you looking after the children as you take your break. What are you doing when you take the break? Are you seeing Zippy? Yeah, Zippy came by, but also I have another job where I give, over at the Arc like movie theater, I give hand jobs. And I was down there. Right. And you were not here earlier. So what's that? You were not here during the first segment. So that's so coincidental. That's interesting that you mentioned that. Yeah. Well, because Scott was making the point earlier that every movie theater and any movies being played, there's someone getting a hand job. Oh, well, I don't know about that, but I had a job given hand jobs at the Arclight

movie theater. Who pays you to do this? Oh, the manager, the night manager over there. Right here in Hollywood. Yeah, that's right. The night manager at the Hollywood Arclight. Now to give him a hand job or to give patrons hand jobs? Anybody I'm told to give a hand job. Sometimes it was him, but a lot of times it was patrons. So you would just slip into the theater in the middle of a movie, sit beside a man. The manager would point to someone. Right. And you would then just kind of sit next to the person. I imagine if anyone were to sit next to me in a movie, in the middle of a movie, I'd kind of be like, who's this weirdo? Does that happen a lot or? Yeah, especially if this weirdo is top to bottom covered in snake skin. Sure.

And then you just have to know how to handle the situation. And it's sweaty as much as you are. Frequently sweating a lot at that point in the night. I say to him, what the fuck are you looking at? I'm here to give you a goddamn hand job. And then we take care of business. And sometimes it's a hand job. Sometimes I'm flipping through a vagina. Oh, wow. Now, you were not here earlier. What's that? So you were not here. So that's so interesting that you use the colloquialism that I brought. You know what? I guess that is a phrase. I'm sorry I questioned it. I know. See, you don't have my back a lot. No, you're right. You're right. Now, what I want to know is the Arkley doesn't have a lot of late night movies. So this is an

early job for you. Yeah, sort of. Even in type of situation. Sometimes they go to like 2 a.m. They'll show a midnight movie. Okay. So you're you're in the middle of the night over here at your other job at the Pasadena fairytale theater. You slip out the back jack, crawl through that window. Right. And then you go to the... I say, Rottweilers, you're in charge. Look after children. And believe me, next time I will say, and please don't tear any of them apart. Now, I have to say that Pasadena, where the fairytale theater is located, and the Arkley are about 20 minutes away. So this is a hand job. And I'm pretty sure I'm actually pretty sure you don't have a car. Otherwise, you would be living in it. Right.

And I'm estimating a hand job takes at least three minutes. So add that into the mix. I'd say three to five. Yeah. Okay. So we're talking... You're gone at least in... I mean, if you're walking, maybe you're hitching. It takes you a little time to get a ride. Sometimes I take the bus. You take the bus from Pasadena to Hollywood? Sure. Why not? Just to give... How many hand jobs can you give? Or is it a single hand job? What do you mean? How many hand jobs? I can give an infinite number of hand jobs. No, I mean, I wouldn't want to put a number on the number of hand jobs. I mean, how about the course of my life? If I gave... Let's figure it out. If I'm awake, I mean, I can be awake usually 22 hours a day. I'm awake. Okay, sure. That is unhealthy,

by the way. That's fine for me. And if we're saying three to five minutes, you can... You're saying 25 minutes per hour? Maybe for an amateur. So that's... I can do a hand job in usually about 90 seconds. Really? Just like what? Three pumps and you're out? Yep. And I can flip through a vagina in half that time. Wow. Really? I mean, it takes me longer to flip through a People Magazine. Well, you don't know what you're doing. Wow. So that's hundreds a day. Yeah, I can do that. But wait, I guess what I'm getting at is when you leave the Pasadena Fairytale Theater, looking up Google it, I still want to figure out how many of these hand jobs I could do over the course of my life. I figure I'll be alive

another three years. It's around... I can't say we're going to have to talk about life expectancy for you. 300 a day. So... Okay. So we're talking... There's about a thousand days in a year. No, there's not. Maybe the way you're living, there are. But there's three... It feels like it. I gotta tell you, it feels like it. But it seems like 10,000 a year? Does my mouth check out? Yeah, that's about right, I think. It's 10,000 a year. So, you know... So 30,000 in the next three years? Yep. How much do you get paid for one? Well, it depends. Sometimes I do get paid. Sometimes I just get out there with a free popcorn. Oh, boy. And have you used the popcorn for the popcorn

trick? How's that now? Is it a prop for you? Oh, you talking about putting that deck through the popcorn box? Of course. Yeah, we don't play around. We don't play games. Okay, the popcorn is sacred. Every once in a while, that'll happen. That's how me say, hey, let me put it in the popcorn. I say, why don't you play a fucking game? Okay, all right. Calm down, Texas Tony. So... But my point is, this is more than a break. You've left these children alone for hours. That's what I'm trying to get at. Here's how it's a break. By the time I get back, the show is usually still going on at Pasadena Fairytale. How long does that show last? It very much depends on who's in the audience.

Because when we were talking at Don de Mello, sometimes this show would be over within 10 minutes. Well, the show itself, in terms of the scripted part of the show. Yeah. That is a very stripped down version of The Wizard of Oz, as you know it. It is very efficient. Dorothy basically gets to Oz and then all bets are off. More or less. Once they get to Emerald City, which is real quick, and we don't mess around with that witch because she's ugly. You know what I mean? There's no way. Sure, yeah. You don't want some ugly witch. I don't think so. Harsh in the mellow over there. Right. Yeah. Harsh in the mellow? Sure. See, you don't have my back, but hey, you heard about flipping through

a vagina. A lot of people say it. You're right. You're right. But what I'm trying to say is, he used to say that sometimes those guys were out the window like 15 minutes after the show started. No, I don't believe that. Well, I guess if they don't want to fuck one of the girls, but usually they do. No, what I'm saying, like 10 minutes in, they start. It's interactive. Five minutes later, they're done. They're out the window. Oh, I see. You know? Well, that may be true. But by the time I get back from other job at the arc-like, sure, there's usually some action still going on. And sometimes it's sloppy. He gets sloppy at that point. What constitutes sloppy, I wonder? Well,

like if somebody is a little bit drunk or something like that or somebody probably shouldn't have been let in that window in the first place and it's hard to get them out. You know, oftentimes the evening winds down sloppy. Yeah. It's hard to throw a patron out a window. That's correct. A small bathroom window. Yep. You got to get them way up in that bathroom. Can I just say cactus, Tony? You can say whatever you want. Thank you so much. There is. There is a Pasadena arc-like. Seems like you would be closer. Is it just because the manager has an affinity for you at the Hollywood one? Well, it's funny you should say that. Oh, it is. Okay. This has led to a funny story. Well,

no, I don't know about that. But I've been saying for the longest time, hey, buddy, can I get a transfer to the Pasadena arc-like? A transfer? Are you an official employee? Well, I work for this manager, yeah. But he tells me he's got the best fucking hand job guy and vagina flipper in the world down there at Pasadena. Oh, you should get rid of that guy. That guy needs to go to China. That guy needs to go to China, of course. Look, you didn't hear from me, but don't be surprised if you hear about that guy going to China. Where would I hear about this? We heard it from you just now. Would I read this in the funny papers? You might read about that in the funny papers.

You might pick up the funny papers one day and find man murdered, buried alive. In China. In China. Wow. Was known to be boastful about his hand jobs. Oh, my gosh. Well, this is, this is just because you're right. It would be a lot more convenient to be able to go to Pasadena arc-like. This is a terrible story. So all these, these children- What's terrible about it? Hang on. Well, the children. What about them? They were ripped apart. They're left. They're left. They've died. They're left with dogs as nannies.

I left those children with those dogs. One time. Were the dogs at least lactating so the kids had something to eat? Far as I know they were not. That would make it better? That would make it better. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe the dog would have maternal instincts rather than such violent. And their dogs, you just found. I believe they did have maternal instincts. Look, we don't know what happened precisely.

We know exactly what happened. At least one or two or three of them ripped a child apart. We don't know what that child did to deserve that. Nothing. The kid, the child was just there to see a show with his father. Right. And he enjoyed, he enjoyed the show up to a point. At which point it was, let's get the children out of the room. Sure. And there would get this totally. So who, who is going to jail? I mean, is anyone going to jail out of this?

Have you been able to- Is Dondamillo not, is Dondamillo not here because he is in hiding? Dondamillo is laying low until some of this situation blows over. He sent me out here to try and get, generate some good press. This is not helping. He's helping through the situation. You're his good PR person. That's right.

This is not helping the situation, you know, him laying low. I think I'm doing a lot of good help here. Getting press is antithetical to laying low, I would say. But he told me to come out here and give his side of the story. Where's he hiding? Where's he laying low? At Griffith Observatory. Observatory. Okay, see, this is not laying low.

You're doing more harm than good. Where is he in Griffith Observatory? What do you mean? I mean, what part of the observatory is it? He's in the planetarium. Oh, okay. He's living in the planetarium? Right, the moment, yeah.

Until things blow over. Is he putting on special shows there? Sometimes he'll get up there, he'll grab the mic, and he'll do a show about the stars. I wish beyond anything else Dondamillo is here to tell us about the show that he does about the stars. He's laying low, unfortunately. Dondamillo's laying low.

I'm supposed to come out here and make things better. Okay. I feel like I have done that. Because, listen, Don is my employer. I know he's going to listen to this, and I can't make him mad. I depend on Don for my living. How much does he pay you? How much does Don pay you?

Do you make a good living? You don't have to tell me an exact amount, but do you make a good living working for Dondamillo? Not enough to buy a car. Obviously not, because you can't buy a car, you have to give him a side job where you have to buy bus tickets, give hand jobs. I mean, and possibly it could get lucrative,

but hand jobs, they oftentimes end up in a payment of merely popcorn. And not only that, but you can- Oh, that's great popcorn. That's the best popcorn in the world. Yeah, you can give 300 a day, but how many are you actually giving? Oh, usually one or two. Okay, so this is not good. But I'm saying it's a growth business, because I can do up to 300 a day.

And it's literally a growth business. You're talking about because there's penises growing when a man gets aroused? Yep. They've become bigger? Yep. Well, in that sense, yeah. What if I do my job right? They're going to shrink again.

That's true. I would say that you are doing your job in the sense of you're shifting the blame from Dondamillo sort of over to you. And- Well, Don hired me. Well, not only that, but you are the one who is negligent and left these children with some sort of- Do you feel as though Don is hanging you out to dry? What are you talking about?

Now, Don is putting you out here as his surrogate to admit that it is your fault. And in all likelihood, you will be arrested and go to prison for this child's murder. And get me? They can't arrest Cactus Tony. Well, you know, I want to- I actually have a little secret. What? To tell you.

Don Domenal called me before the show. I actually knew you were coming on. The whole thing about I didn't realize you were the Cactus Tony. That was feigned ignorance on my part. Really good job, Scott. Thank you so much. Really terrific acting. I'm a really good actor.

I can sound like a dumb idiot who doesn't know what's going on. Because in all of the stuff I've seen you act in prior to this, you've been awful. Like legitimately terrible acting. No, that's me trying to act like that. But you just now were phenomenal as an actor. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm not being pranked by that Betty White, Joe.

It's sort of like that, except there's no Betty White. And unfortunately, at the end of it, you don't sign a release and you're not on TV. You actually go to jail. Oh, come on. Yeah. What are you talking about? Well, Don called me up and I don't know. I mean, I don't want to recount the exact conversation, but the word Patsy was involved.

Fall guy? Fall guy, yeah. And he was not talking about Lee Majors. I know a girl named Patsy. Okay. I don't think you're taking this the right way. You need to actually pay attention to what this is. Because what he wanted us to do, and I clue Jason in on this actually,

is he wanted us to kind of make a citizen's arrest here. And also he wanted us to get on tape, video and audio, a confession, which is these cameras are not actually streaming any of this to zapstraight2it.com at all. These are actually cameras that that are closed circuit TV cameras for the police department. This, by the way, I can't believe I fell for it. Is the other interrogation technique we used to use in the Croatian special forces? Yeah. We would tell somebody, you're on a podcast, and for the first time ever, it's streaming online.

Go make things better for me. Gotta be careful. Yeah. Go out there and make my case for me publicly. Yeah. And then a couple guys in there, usually a couple guys who have worked as comedians. Yeah. Actors.

Sure. For Serbian. Yeah. Serbian comedians. Serbian comedians. And one of them is. It is a fact. The funniest comedians in the world is the Serbians.

And one of them has worked with Sasha Bababoui.com. Oftentimes. Yeah. And then next thing you know, you have given away all your secrets. Yeah. Unbelievable. This is the second time I have cracked in as many weeks. Yeah.

Under interrogation techniques, classic interrogation techniques. Yeah. One of them is waking up in the car and ask you a simple question and get the exact answer. And what was the other one? This one here. How would you describe that again? You told your guests on podcasts for the first time ever. It's streaming online.

And it's posted by two comedians. Go help make my case for me. It's classic interrogation technique. Well, I'm sorry. This has worked so many times. You fell right into it. God damn it. You fell into it.

God damn it. I'm sorry. We cannot let you leave. Oh, shit. We actually have called the police. During that last break, we called the police. It wasn't a real break. It wasn't.

It was a police call break. Yeah. Guys. And they're on their way. I'm not mad. Thank you. I understand. Mr. DiMello wanted you to do this.

And he's a very smart man. And I understand. Well, he can't go to jail. You know what I mean? No, I understand. He's got an empire to run. Yeah. I get that.

I completely get that. And there's no good. Have you ever been to jail before, Texas Attorney? Is this going to be your first time to jail or is it? In the big house, as we call it. Uh-huh. Who's the we in that sentence? Man, you don't know any of the lingo.

You don't know flipping vaginas. You don't know the big house. Come on, man. It just sounds like you tell you to. It seems like the way you say we call it is as if you've been to jail. I've, I mean, I've taken a couple of, I've done a dime, you know? Yeah. Well, I was in jail for a little while, but I was,

they had a program where they were promoting from within at the jail to become prison guards. And so I just transitioned into that. Really? Yeah. How did that great program work out? As a matter of fact, that program did not work out so great because. Really?

Yeah. Because those guards who had been prisoners had evidently too much sympathy for the prisoners and wasn't, wasn't much into guarding them. But anyway. I remember reading about this. They covered it extensively in the funny papers. Yeah, I remember.

It was every prisoner walked free. After rioting. Yeah. Yeah. That was the upshot of it. Yeah. It was a, yeah. It was a, it was a, it was a prison walkout.

Prison walkout. Yeah. I've never seen one in, never heard of one. And a prison walkout. Yeah. Usually you hear escape. But this was just a prison walkout.

00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,040 Those guys, you know, it turned out just about all the guys that left from that prison that we allowed to walk free from that prison turned out to be, just they, they became regular members of the community and some of them did kill folks and rob things and stuff like that. But in general, they were, they were good guys. A lot of them did go back to life of crime. They were good guys. Anyhow.

Anyhow. A lot of them did go back to life of crime. And they were good guys. They just integrated themselves back into society all by themselves. A lot of them, like you, went back to crime. Yeah. That's, well, I don't know that I've committed any crimes. Oh, no, we have you on tape talking.

But anyway, I got a question. I just got a real quick question for you guys. Yeah, sure. What floor is this building on? We're on the fifth floor. Because I understand the police are coming in through that door. Is that right? Yeah, they're coming in right through there.

I actually think we, unless we've changed studios, I think we may have established that this window right here. Oh, it's on the first floor. It's on the first floor. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're on the first floor. Okay.

It's a very hard to, But I think that everybody who jumps out of it, the assumption is that they have killed themselves. Yeah, it's a very, it's a treacherous jump. That's part of the problem. Oh, no, I will say this. Don DeMillo did survive the fall. He did.

That's right. He did. He's the one guy who's able to jump out the window. He told me about that. He had fallen on a pile of dead bodies. Right. There are no dead bodies out there now. It's a really weird window where if you jump out of it,

you can only jump out of it the wrong way, basically. And like you catch your neck on certain things and you break your neck. It's really, it's very treacherous. It's a one floor jump. Yeah, but. But there's various obstacles. You're either going to catch your neck on.

Yeah, exactly. Or get impaled or something. Yeah. Get right through the heart. It's dangerous for sure. A lot of spikes, a lot of offense with those metal spikes. Right, right. You don't want to be jumping out through it.

Oh, wow. I just, it looks like the police are coming through the door. Okay, guys. Well, it's been great and wonderful to meet you guys. You had a good day. It's so much fun. You kept talking. No hard feelings.

I completely understand what you guys did. I get it. It's cool. Who's it? Tony. Yep. You don't want to do this. You don't want to do this.

You don't want to do what? You don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'm going to walk out that door and say, hey, let's go to prison. Hopefully they'll promote me within, and I'll be a guard within a year. If you're thinking that you will be somebody who jumps out the window and survives, you are wrong.

You will not. Not only one person out of 100 has ever survived. This is suicide. Listen, it's a one-story jump. I understand that your neck is in jeopardy, and there's sharp objects down there. I feel like I could take my chances there. No, this is suicide.

Please. I feel like, well, listen. I'm going to get myself an assisted fall out the window. No. I'd like you to have my hat. Jason, I'd like you to have my hat. I am honored to have this hat. Wow, what do I get?

Enjoy it. You can have my pants. Oh, no, no. You can keep those on your way out the window. 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:37,280 Here we go. I don't want to leave my make-up.

00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,160 I'll leave my make-up for you. Enjoy it! Whoa! Oh, god. I had no idea that's where this was going. I had no idea. The humanity. Oh.

This is like, this is, I've not been a part of too many shows in which somebody jumped through the window. Well, we should say, policemen, you can go home. We have it all on tape. But I mean, he's out there. He's out there. Why are you looking out the window?

I'm just telling the policemen that you aren't here. He's no longer in here. Go out the window. Go out the, go out the, yeah. He jumped out the window. Yep. Don't jump out the window yourself, because you'll never make it.

But gosh, boy, that is terrible. Nicely done, gentlemen. Don. Oh, Don. Hi, Don. Don DeMella's here. Thank you very much for taking care of that nasty piece of business. Well, somebody had to go down for the dog thing.

Yeah, I understand. No, I mean, you know. He seemed like a nice guy and threw all of it, but I troubled a troubled man, Don. Yeah. Troubled man is dead now. He was bad news. I don't know who I'm gonna get to poke the girls with a stick now.

Was that part of his job? That was one of his, yeah, that was part of his job description. Don, can I ask a question? Oh, yeah. Do you manage the arc light in Hollywood? I'm just a night manager. Don, I have a question for you. Now that all this character's Tony business is behind us,

I am interested in this show you're doing at the planetarium. I wonder if you could tell me a little bit about that. I'd love to hear about it. It's all about the stars out here. Yeah, well, it looks like I'm going to be able to come out of it. I come out of hiding over there. Oh, so it's a limited engagement. Now it's a limited engagement.

Yeah, okay. So see it while you can, everybody. Yeah, that's right. Now, is this a bring your kids kind of scenario? You're more than welcome to bring your kids. Absolutely. What we do is, for every person in the show, which is pitch black dark in there, you can't see a thing.

I get you a girl and she'll sit on your lap. And I get on the microphone and I tell her, just talk some bullshit about the stars and the galaxies and all that bullshit just in case somebody overhears. But the basic thing of it is you're getting fucked in a chair in a planetarium. Anyway, that's the show. That's the show.

What do you call it? What's it called? It's just called come on down and get fucked at the planetarium. Oh, okay. So wow, come see that. Maybe tonight might be the last night. Tonight might be the last night. It's not based on anything.

It's not based on anything. It's not Disney's come get fucked at the planetarium. That's not a bad idea. It's not Star Wars. Tonight only. Good note. Disney's come get fucked at the planetarium. Meanwhile, full disclosure, just in case somebody

that works at the planetarium overhears, I am on the microphone talking about the stars up there and there's planets and you can see up there and there's planets and stars at night. It is educational. It's very educational. I don't think there's a lot of crossover between people who work at the planetarium and listeners.

I think they're too busy watching Enlightened. I should hope so. But anyway, if that doesn't turn you off, hear me talk about the stars. Come on down and get fucked with Disney. Now, I'm going to go out and win. No, I think they've got a good chance. Don, you don't need to.

Don, you don't need to go out the window. The police stay here. The police are out there. Listen, I get a real charge out of going out this window that almost everybody dies when they go out it. Bring out the gun. Wait, let's look out the way. Oh, look, he made it.

Well, he's scampering away off of Cactus Tony's dead body. Oh, amazing. Well, Dantamillo has done it again. All right. Wow. That was exciting. Right through the window. Well, good, because he's a despicable human being.

Dantamillo is despicable, and I like to think that he survived. I don't know if Cactus Tony survived. Dantamillo is like a cock a roach, who I think will outlive everyone. He's an elderly man. He is, and yet he's diving out that first story window several times. By the way, that references an earlier episode where several people dove out this window,

and you can hear that on our previous best ofs from 2012. Yes, and I highly recommend it. I, for one, highly recommend it. Thank you very much, Paul. All right. Yes? You're welcome. Well, OK.

Well, OK. There should be something that people say after you're welcome. You know what I mean? Like, that should continue. The end. Thank you. You're welcome. The end.

It's perfect. It's perfect. You know how many times you're like standing there trying to end a conversation? Every time. People go, all right, goodbye. See you later. Goodbye. You know, like, there's so much of that.

Someone should just say the end, and you both agree that whenever someone says the end, you turn 180 degrees and you walk in opposite direction. Yes, even if you're both walking towards your cars. Yeah, and you realize you parked next to each other. That's right. Nope. You're going to have to walk around the earth. That's right.

That almost seems impractical. I don't care. Well, new rules. New no-dos. All right. So speaking of the end, we have to take a break, but we're not at the end of the show because we still have your number two and your number one coming up after this. Hey, guys, it's a new year and I have an idea for you.

Maximize every minute and every dollar this year for your small business. What does that mean? Of course, I want to maximize time. I want to maximize money, but how do you do it, Scott? It's easy for you and your ivory tower to sit there telling me to maximize minutes and dollars, but I'm just a simple man. Well, I know an easy way to do it, and I'm going to share it with you. Calm down, first of all.

What is wrong with you? Calm down. I know an easy way to maximize every minute and every dollar, and it's easy. It's stamps.com. For instance, think about how much time you've wasted going to the post office, driving there, finding parking. They have these little tiny parking lots and everyone wants to go, what is it? What is their deal?

Well, stamps.com is the better way to get postage. Just use what you already have, your computer and printer, to get official US postage for any letter or any package. And then here's the best part. The mailman comes to your small business and picks it up from you. With stamps.com, you can do everything you could do at the post office right from your desk and at a fraction of the cost of one of those expensive stupid postage meters. I have been using stamps.com personally for years here at Airwolf.

I send you all of the t-shirts that you buy personally right through stamps.com. And right now you can use it. Using my promo code bang bang, you get a special offer. Let me break it down. No risk trial. $110 bonus offer. We're talking digital scale, digi, digi, digi, and up to $55 free postage. So don't wait.

Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in bang bang. That is stamps.com. Enter bang bang and I resolve to see you never at the post office. All right, comedy bang bang. This is exciting. I'm excited.

Because we have number two coming up here on the countdown. That's right, number two. And I have to say this was our squeaker, okay? We have another squeaker. This was the squeaker. All right. See you in your squeakers. Before the break, we heard halfway to China, your number three.

That had how many votes? $2,699. Wow. Now bear in mind, 65,000 votes. All right. People are just supposed to pick 10 episodes that they like. So it's kind of interesting that you would think up in these high numbers, they would be like, you know, 45,000.

That's what I would assume. But I think out of those 65,000 votes, people are voting for one episode a lot of times. Plus, every episode got votes. You know what I mean? Like every episode. Really? Yeah.

That's ridiculous. Every episode is someone's favorite. There is that, well, some people are wrong. It's very interesting because, you know, a lot of people just assume that, well, certain episodes are not the good episodes or what have you. But this countdown goes to show that every episode is someone's favorite episode. Well, there's no accounting for taste.

Come on, Paul. All right. So this particular episode, which got number two, we already established halfway to China, got $2,699. These two were flip-flopping the entire time as well. One was up. One was down. You mean the final two?

No, no, no. Number two and three. Oh, okay, okay. The previous one and this one, which came in at number two. So this beat out halfway to China? Yes. And this was number three for a long time. And finally, at the end, got a just a surge of votes.

I don't think anyone campaigned, but the fans of this episode and these people on the show are legion. And there's just a groundswell of support last minute. And they finally got 27, 14 votes, okay? So 15 more votes. Now, Scott, of course, you're going to reveal which episode it is. We're going to hear the clip. Then I would like to ask you what you think caused the surge.

The purge? You think the purge caused the surge? I think the purge did, because for those 24 hours, people were allowed to vote however they wanted to vote. The purge caused the surge, so they got the urge. The flag in with the dragon is the brew that is true. Older references. Older.

We're really old. We're really going way back. Look these up, by the way. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy Hell's a Poppin with the Ritz Brothers. This is a lot like listening to Paul's boutique or something and like hearing these references and then you go look them up. You know, that's what we're trying to do with this.

All right, this is episode number two on your countdown. Number two. Number two. Here we go. This is from episode 238. This is an episode called Marissa Wampler's Birthday Pool Party Live. Yes. That was like a Batman the Ride.

I hope so. A roller coaster. Yeah. I think I made, maybe that was on Analyze Fish. I made a vow to never say that was like an emotional roller coaster. I'm just going to say that was an emotional Batman the Ride. Oh, that's okay. Do I need to be a vow?

Yeah, it was a solemn vow as well. It was not made in jest. I mean, like, I picture you making that vow like you're kneeling down in front of like a church like you're in like a monk's cell, right? You're looking at a window that's like a shaft of light on your face and your hands are clasped in prayer. You're saying I vowed to never again say emotional roller coaster

but rather emotional Batman the Ride. But rather than you, and then you just make the sign at the cross and then you whip yourself like in a division code. Yes, of course. Is it just flagellate or is it self flagellate? Self flagellate. You can flagellate another person. I wish you would.

Okay. Thank you. I will. Coming up after this. All right. When you hear your family. So Marissa Wampler's Birthday Pool Party Live. Let me give a little background on this with my friend little background.

Okay, Marissa Wampler. He's the DJ. I'm the rapper. Marissa Wampler is my intern on the show. She started several years ago on the show. She was just a kid. She was just a kid. She was in high school.

She, she's still in high school. She was supposed to intern on the show every single week. The very first day she was there, I started the show. She threw on the cans, the headphones, and started talking into the mic. Then, and she just did the whole show. She, she thought that's what being an intern was. It's crossing a line. Was being on the show.

No, you're just supposed to get people waters and stuff. Exactly. I have an intern now. Keep them on the shut. An intern now, Gino, who does his job wonderfully. He gets so many waters for people. He's terrific. I love Gino.

He's so great. Yeah. So now Marissa, not only that, but she never showed up then for like another three months or so. She drops by every three months for her internship. Yeah. And then just does the show. Anyway, so we've talked. I don't know how she's getting credit for this.

We've talked to her many times over the years. Her birthday is in August. And we, on a previous appearance, we talked about how on her birthday she was going to have a pool party for everyone at her high school. She's going to invite all of her friends. And we decided it would be fun to do a live broadcast from this pool party. So we did an episode live from the pool at her condo association. And just a little bit about her life.

She has a stepfather, Seth, who is in my opinion kind of mean to her. She has a teacher, Listler, who she's in some sort of, she calls it a gifted program, but I have suspicions that it's just kind of like a program for slower children because it's in a basement and there's only 13 of them. And they don't seem to study really anything of note. She also has a boy that she likes who she's scissored. And then there's the girl that he likes. It's a long complicated story.

Listen to all of Marissa Wampler's episodes to really get the background on it. But this is live from her birthday party. And we're going to hear two chunks. We're going to hear a lot of, I guess we're not going to hear two chunks. No, we are going to hear two chunks. We're going to hear... Make up your goddamn mind! All right, we'll hear two chunks.

All right, let's hear them. This is your number two. Number two. So before the break, we said some very inflammatory things. Yeah. I feel like we should follow up. I guess we do. Now we talked about this a little on the Womptacular or the last time we were on the show.

I can't remember. Yeah, last time we were on the show. You think the baby... I don't even know how this would work. You think Diane's baby might be your baby? I'm just saying. I knew from some confidential medical records that I found that Diane... Where'd you find these?

Jesus. I told you there's easy ways to get there. She has warrens all throughout Marina Del Rey. Sometimes when you drive over a pothole, you think it's a pothole, that's one of her warrens. Diane supposedly had a hysterectomy, so I don't know how she's getting pregnant. Yeah, months after she gave birth to me, she said take it all out. Not for a medical reason either. B, I don't want it anymore.

Because I don't want it anymore. I store secretly my frozen eggs at the same fertility place that they go to. What do you mean secretly? You're not paying by the month for that? No, I go in every night and put my eggs into the... That's a lot of eggs. You're unloading your eggs every night. How many eggs are you unloading?

That's too many eggs. No, the same eggs. Wait, you're just taking the eggs out and then putting them back in. You take them out for a drive during the day? What the hell's going on? I put them in a container with dry ice during the day. I don't like to... First of all, no one knows they're there.

And second of all, I wouldn't trust them during the day anyway. But at night, while I'm sleeping and I have to get rest, I need to know that they're being cared for. Well, you know what? So I go crawling through the heating ducts and I drop them in. And then one day, two eggs were missing. Whoa, okay. They happened to be the same day that you and Diane came in.

Oh, I see. So we just happened to go in there and take your eggs? Are you saying it's our fault? Well, then we know they're viable. We know your eggs are viable. I would not. I would not. 100% they're viable.

I would never, never. She's had no fewer than 13 ectopic pregnancies. And a sun name August. And a half African-American sun name August. All right, I'm going to say that I... August Wilson-Lisler. A father has a sense of what's going on with the wife. Now, I know that this is not...

I want you to test that paper when it comes out. I mean, I guess you'll know if it has a Mohawk, it's mine. With frosted tips. What is it? If it comes out with a Mohawk with frosted tips, you know it's Lisler. If it comes out pre-styled, it's your kid. But it's your baby and my baby.

It would be our, your and my baby. And I could finally have a real family. Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait. It wouldn't be related, it wouldn't be related to you at all. So this would be actually good news for you. Okay, this is kind of a, this is a burn on you. I just threw up a little bit in my throat.

You ever heard that? I've never heard that before. That's a burn, next to your classic burns? What do you heard again? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. You threw up. In your throat?

But you didn't, it didn't come out of your mouth. No, I swallowed it down a little bit. I heard a guy say that the other day and I was like, that's a great indication of not being comfortable. The phrase is I threw up in my mouth. Do you know that one time... You didn't throw up in your throat? One time I caught Seth with a series of flash cards

that were human emotions. And he goes through them every morning. And this is what a person looks happy. And the reverse had like a stick figure drawing. Yes, like he has to guess. Happy, oh, that's right. Sad, frustrated, so he can read people. All right, to be fair, I, when I was a child,

I grew up in almost sort of like a serio, seriovo like environment. You grew up in Bhutan, New Jersey. I know, but I was left in my crib for days on end without human contact, without any kind of, they would come in, they'd drop the food off there, but we got to go work. I mean, they had to work, I get it.

Believe me, I get it. I'm the one who's living in a crawl space. I should have those flash cards. Too bad I'm so emotionally adept. Too, you're not adept honey, you are clumsy. But you know what, I don't care about you anymore because I have a new lover. He's here.

He's here? He's here. I'm gonna have him, I'm having him zip line in from the corner over there. Hey, Kareem! You know that the condo's not gonna lie down. God damn it. Oh, God!

Oh, he's coming in too fast. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! One, one, one! Oh, my God! God damn it! Oh, God! God damn it!

Ow! Ow! That hurt, he hit all of us. He hit all of us. How did you get all, how am I, pelvis? Kareem? Are you okay? I'm very okay, how are you?

I'm like, how did, wait, were you guys planning that this whole time? I am, I am helping Ms. Lisler with the setup of the stage here and I saw that this corner over here is available to have a zip line put in. So we have created it. We suggested it.

Yeah, if I gotta pay for this bullshit, I am gonna be, God damn man. This is all coming out of the school's budget. No, it is. It is? Yeah. You don't even work there. Yep.

Exactly. 00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:46,640 Anybody. You have a warren hole into the... Have access to their QuickBooks. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Yeah.

Anybody can now zip line straight into the pool. Kareem, can I say that your falafel is delicious? Thank you very much. Thanks for setting up that stand. People are really doing it. It is, Marisa, for you, everything is possible. God, I love this guy. Kareem, now, do you sell falafel at your 7-Eleven?

We should mention that you and Lisler met at your 7-Eleven on a day when Lisler was... Describe your meat, your meat cute, if you will. Well, I walked in to fill up a giant igloo cooler. I noticed her immediately. And he said that... Even though she was wearing complete camouflage. Yeah.

I had on 7-Eleven camouflage, so I had just taped a bunch of chips to my body. But I saw it immediately. Couple bags of sun chips. I was like, there is a woman wearing a suit made of potato chips. I want to track her and see what she's up to. At first, was it you were trying to figure out what she was doing with the Slurpee machine?

She seemed very untrustworthy. Well, then she broke your slushy machine. Oh, yes. And you were real pissed. And then we couldn't walk by there for, I don't know, three or four months. And then, you guys... I taped a picture from my security camera

behind the cash register to say, beware for this woman. Beware of this woman's hard to choose. She's that bad person. Mm-hmm, right. And then you guys went on a date. That's right. How did that even come about? I can't even...

I mean, you have a picture taped of her, of stay away from this woman, then all of a sudden you're on a date? How... What happened? Well, he has a separate... Like a... What's it called? That glass that doesn't... Bullets won't go through?

The partition? Yeah, a proof glass. Where he usually does this cashiering, which is where the picture is. And one day I just appeared in there. You'd gotten in through the air ducts again. And it spooked him. Yeah, because this is a place

where everything is safe for me. Yeah, sanctuary. And then I'm not sure how she got in there. I don't know what happened. It was like, you know, in the Batman movies, when the policeman is talking to Batman, he turns around, the Batman is gone. It's the opposite of that.

This was like the opposite of this. I am just sitting there talking to myself. I turn around and this woman is there. And in four questions, I broke through the emotional wall as well. And we were friends again. Yes. May I ask what those questions were?

You may not. Okay. But has she ever asked them? Wow. Don't answer them, unless you want to fall madly in love with her. How will I know she's asking that? You're not going to know.

You're not going to know. I had no idea until question number four. And questions one through three. I'm not even sure if they're relevant. They're gibberish. Yeah. But question four, I immediately, everything changed for me.

Yes. I broke down as begins crying. And but also is stirring in my loins. What happened in that behind that bulletproof glass? We made love. Oh, okay. And then we filled out a contract. Yep.

And we went on the series. Post lovemaking. I didn't have the papers with me, Marissa. And sometimes. Well, I thought you said you always have to get a signature before you go forward. She don't want to do any work. And she did a signature.

She did make me sign blank piece of paper. Yes. But this is an example of my trust in her. I knew that she would not use this for ill will. That's beautiful. All right. Well, I guess I'll do the introductions. I'm Dr. Seth Wampler.

Hello. Sorry about that. Oh, somebody's jealous. Sitting here like a jackass. Yeah, I'm Scott Ogerman. I've been asking you questions. Obviously, you must have heard the podcast. I feel bad because I feel as though I'm being rude.

But I've heard all about all of you guys from Listener. Yes. Oh, so have you listened to the show? You've just heard Listener talk about. No, no, no. I don't listen to computers or anything like this. But she's telling me all the time we are together while we are eating dinner.

She's telling me all about all of you people. And I gave those to my Dijornos from at 7-Eleven. So I'm in there three or four times a day to get my Dijornos, my cream cheese. Hot pockets. Hot pockets. She's very, like I keep saying, like these are going straight to your thighs.

And she still eats them. What happened in that three months you couldn't get those Dijornos? Did you slim down at all? Oh, yeah, I did. You looked good for once, and I don't. Hey, hurtful. No, no, but what I'm saying is that.

He's just trying to encourage you that you could stop being so fat from down below your waist. Thanks a lot. You know what, man? I'll take that right into therapy with Listener. I'm going to have to cocoon about that for like seven and a half weeks.

00:52:12,640 --> 00:52:13,840 Stop being so fat. Karine says women in Pakistan, it's a sign of great wealth to have thighs that are 22 times the size of your top. You know what else it is? It's also a pretty kosher to slam some airplanes into buildings where he comes from. 9-11, never forget.

All right, all right, all right. Same all you guys. Everybody wants to come in here. Oh my god. Hold on. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But I have to take.

Can I take the mic with me because I think something's going on. Yeah, yeah. No, go ahead. Take the wireless with you. OK, hold on. OK, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so.

Careful on that. Careful going down the. Instantly started breathing very heavily. Anytime I move. Marissa just is climbing down the rock wall. Oh god. OK, hold on. Hold on one second.

I just saw two people go into the pump, the pump room. The pump room. Yeah, where they pump, where they pump all the chlorine from the pool. Listener and I were in there earlier. Hold on. Creak. We called it the pump room for a different reason.

Which reason was that of her? She's doing the Listener thing. Yeah, you don't have to make the noise. Are you your own fully artist? What are you doing? What are you doing here? Could you please give us some privacy? What's going on in here?

What? What is going on in here? Marissa, what's happening down there? Well, all I see is a crumpled up pair of jams in the corner. And. Jams. Yeah, and there's a Danielle and then two, two Asian girls.

What? Just, and I don't know what was just happening, but I'm freaking out right now. Eric. Jessica Wompler. What are you doing in here? Oh my God. Jessica Wompler, you're so good.

Oh, you're so good. What is happening? My name is Marissa Wompler. I can't believe this. Okay. What do you think her name was? Jessica Wompler? That would be absurd.

No, I just, I just, I just invested in this pump. That would be like thinking, that would be like thinking Eric's name is Jason. That wouldn't make any sense. Sweetheart, I'm freaking out. Sweetheart, ask her if she still has the card. I gave her. What?

Aard. Ask her about the card. What is going on? That's not important right now, Seth. I think it is. That girl's feet is tiny. This is why it's everybody laughing. This is not funny.

Describe what you're seeing, Marissa, because we are not seeing what you're seeing and the listeners certainly can't either. Okay. They've made a sort of nest out of towels. In detail, please, especially when you're speaking of Danielle. A nest out of towels. Danielle's tits are a Kimbo.

A Kimbo. They're separated from each other? They're flopping to and fro. What is the shape of them? They're conical in shape. The nipples look like tiny silver dollars. They're perfect. They're perfect.

In fact, there's a bright light coming from them. I wish I had brought my sunglasses. Okay. And there's two Asian girls there as well. What are they doing? There are two Asian girls. They seem to be attending in some sort of way. One of them has a hand towel over their hand as a waiter would.

I don't know what happened in here. Garibalds, how could you do this to me? Eric, are you down there? Yeah, I'm here, Scott. What's going on down there? Danielle was here and she said she wanted to talk to me about our breakup in the pool house. In the pump room, rather. The pump room?

In the pump room. So I came in here and then... It hurts. Then what happened, please? Talk slowly. Kristen and Katie came in with us and... What kind of names are those for Asian people? They're American names.

Yeah. Shut up. They're probably third generation at this point. Are we dating anybody like a Sim T? Which one are you? Now, what's your name? That's Katie. I kissed him.

Okay. And you're serving tea down there? Kimmy has produced from God knows where per gigantic purse what seems to be a tea setting for 11 or 12 people. The orange blossom is sweet jasmine. I'll take some tea. So Eric... You will not have any tea.

Eric. I would be happy to have a bit. Eric, why are your jams off? When we got in here, when we got in here, Danielle said she wanted to see something and then she took my jams off. I just wanted to see his jams off. Oh, why?

I don't believe any of this. She took her top off and I got a boner and she said see I knew it. You still love me. Okay. That's all I needed to hear. I want all of you. I want you out of my pool party immediately.

But wait, Marissa, but wait, but wait. I said I don't. What? I said I don't love you. I love someone else. I'm just sexually attracted to you. Oh, my God. He did say that.

That is one of the most romantic things that anyone has ever said to me. Wait, wait, I have to clarify. You love someone else. Who are you talking about? Katie. What? He said you. He said I love you very much and I said I love you.

Oh, my goodness. So, Eric, you are burning through the ladies of Marina Del Rey High. I don't know what's happening anymore. Chalk time. Sorry, you had to have to see me this way. You guys want music right now, right? 00:57:27,360 --> 00:57:28,400 That's to underscore this.

Just playing just the two of us. Marissa, I've not seen you, by the way. We're really, it should be just the four of us. Five of you. There's actually five of you. Five with Kimmy, including Kimmy. Sweetheart, get out of there. If it's a negative environment, get out of there for yourself.

00:57:40,560 --> 00:57:41,520 I'm getting out of here. I'm getting out of here. Okay. Hey, it's a week. Close the door behind you. Just get out of here. I hate all of you.

Come on back up here. Let me explain. Come on up. Get out of here. Get out of here. I should rather bring a tea. No, I want you to do this. I'll just do tea.

I love a good Jap tea. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. Okay. Marissa, come back up here. Use one of the tramps. Okay. Get up here quickly.

Look, I'm here. Wait, use the water cannon. Okay. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. God damn it. You know what?

That was actually a really great idea to use the water cannon because I kind of felt like I got reborn there for a second. Yeah, you're real fast. I feel a lot better. I wasn't awkward watching to climb up that thing. Oh, God. I'm so sorry, Marissa. You look terrible.

You know what? It's better that I saw it because I need to understand what's going on. I mean, obviously, gutter balls is not in any position to be in a relationship. And I think we knew that. Can you describe his mechanical pencil? Well, it was as thin and long as I had remembered. Yeah.

Excuse me. Can I just say something? I cannot believe it. Can I just say something? When we went to the prom, I said to you that I thought we could make a very good couple and that I had real feelings for you. And then you said that we couldn't be together

because you didn't feel that way towards me. And so I went out and I moved on. Why did you say that, Marissa? I declared my love to you and I said I would go. I would not go to college so that I could be in town for your last year of high school. But you got into Marina Del Rey community. Why would you turn that up?

That's what she said. Turn it down, sweetheart. You turn it down. You don't turn it up. Whatever. And you said that I should go and do that and that you didn't love me and you only thought of me as a friend.

And so I started going out with Katie Wong. Why would you say that? We talked about Eric constantly since your first appearance, Rick. I had been watching obsessively the Kate Hudson movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. And this was on Charlotte Lissler's recommendation. You got to stay away from that movie.

No, I'm with you. That's it. I was surprised. I got root into that one, too. And I had followed all nine of the steps and the tenth step was when he professes his love to you to say that you didn't feel the same way and that's how you would really get it.

I want to take this moment and I want you guys to face each other, do a couple of squats, and then I want you to say to each other what you really feel over this Robin Thicke song. I'm sorry, I don't have blurred lines. Wait, do you need it? I can give it to you.

It's too late. It's too late. Is this the kind of thing you do at 5.30 in the morning? This sounds more like army training, by the way. I want you to... What kind of deep... Are we doing a deep squat or...? Is there some sort of tire obstacle course

that you're supposed to go through? It's a garbage can run. Do I... Am I spotting one of them or what? Sure, get behind your step daughter. All right, I'll get behind her. Sweetheart, you know how much you weigh below your waist, so don't tip back on it.

Should we get Danielle up here as well or...? I'm here. Hey! All right, yeah. God, you've got so much weight. How much weight can this thing hold? Let's all be clear about this. I feel like Katie should be here, too.

Yeah, how much... We really... Because we all know how much we all weigh. How much do your boobs weigh? Is that possible, just so we know if this is going to collapse enough? I weighed them once on a grocery scale and they're about 12.5 pounds each.

Yeah, I hope you wet-wiped that grocery scale because that's disgusting. A couple of bowling balls. Size of a 4-0. I have a wet-wiped for you. Which one are you? I'll take that. Katie, that's Katie.

Marissa, I do feel like I should tell you... Here's my Siren R. I'll take that. I do feel like I should tell you, Marissa, that even though I feel like you are the love of my life... Yes? I have been having a prolonged summer-long three-way with Danielle and Katie. Okay.

Just whoa. Okay, this is tea. It's very hot. Nobody wants your fucking tea, Kimmy. Nobody wants it. Sweetheart, I need... This is Japanese tea. I'm going to take some of this.

Thank you so much. Kimmy? She's not part of the three-way. She just serves tea during it. She's a tea girl. Kimmy, she just gives us tea. Arigato. Arigato, Domo.

All right, we get it. You spent time overseas. Yes, I did. 01:01:47,920 --> 01:01:48,800 All right, continue. Please continue with the sharing of the feelings. Does it feel like the platform's shifting slightly? Yes.

Okay. Eric? Eric, what I want to say to you is that I wasn't ready for you to walk into my life and turn it upside down the way you did. And now that you have, I'm going to be changed forever. And I think it's best for us to sever contact starting right now. Oh, no. And...

Sorry, what kind of tea is this? I guess, Seth? I am in the middle of it. I'm sorry, this tea is so good. It is so good. This platform shouldn't be swaying the way it's swaying. Guys, I don't feel safe right now, emotionally or physically on this platform. This is, we've had a...

Everybody should get on a zipline to get out of here. And also, I do also want to just say one last thing, and this is not exactly a plug, but it is something I want to get out of the way right now. Sure, sure. Miss Lysler. Oh, yeah, what's happening right now? And since you've come into my life,

this has been the happiest, most beautiful period I have ever experienced. She's in the face right now. When my wife was murdered in front of me in my country, I swore to her that I would never fall in love and marry again. I am now willing to go back on that promise. Is she going to haunt me? She will never haunt you. She would want me to be happy is what she said.

Is she a ghost, though? Could we let this proposal happen? This is the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. It needs more info. I'm not nervous. I have this ring, and I would like you, Miss Lysler, to be my wife. Can we be together in this state? What does that mean?

01:03:30,880 --> 01:03:31,600 What does that mean? Is it legal for us to be together in this state? I don't think it is. What do you mean? What do you mean? You could marry him? No, he's a foreigner.

Well, I don't understand. Legal. I'm a man. What? 01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:45,120 Okay, hold on. We don't have time. We don't have time to pull on this thread.

No, no, hold on. I want to thank Hailey Lear, who donated $100 to CBB. Thank you so much. And Danielle, what do you want? Danielle, what do your tits have to plug? Yeah. I'm doing the Maria Del Rey Dance Competition with my Asians. It's Danielle and her dirty, dynamic dancer.

What day is that in time? Stop breaking it down. It's next Saturday. Call me. It'll be so much fun for you. Oh, we haven't got so much tea for everyone. Let's close up the plug bag. Here we go.

I'm using the plug bag thing. Wait a minute. The vibrations from the closing of the plug bag are causing it. It's shifting. This thing is shifting. It's shifting. The platform is shifting.

The platform is shifting. Grab a zip line if you can. Oh, Whoppler. She's terrible at interning. She really is, but I like listening to her. Do you really? I do. She's very unpleasant.

She is. She's a weird body. She said, well, I don't hold that against her. Well, it's not her fault. If you know what I mean, I would never hold it against her. Man, the secret language of them is what it's like. It is her fault, by the way. She talked about it.

She eats way too many Dijorno sandwiches. Yeah, Dijorno sandwiches. Which is cream cheese, two Dijorno shells, no tomato sauce, no cheese, but there's just cream cheese spread over them. It does sound good. It does sound kind of good. But that's why she looks like that. All right, we have to take a break.

When we come back, we'll have, this is amazing, your number one episode of the year. I can't believe it. Can you believe it? I can't believe it. What could it be? I think I don't know. All right, well, I think I know.

We'll be right back after this. Guys, it's a new year. Happy new year. We have new resolutions that go along with the celebratory words we exchange with each other, i.e., happy new year. What are your resolutions? Well, reading more, probably somewhere at the top of your list.

We don't do it enough. Well, let me tell you, from one friend, and I am your friend, to another, you're doing it wrong, idiot. Keep doing it wrong. You won't be my friend for much longer. Here's how to do it right. Download Audible today and actually do something about your resolutions for once.

Audible has over 150,000 audiobooks and stand-up sets to choose from. And you can play Audible on tons of platforms. You got iPods, iPhones. What did you get this Christmas? Window phone, MP3 player? Well, all you need is the desire to read. And Audible makes everything else easy for you.

If you go to Audible now, you'll get a free audiobook and a free 30-day trial. All you got to do is log on to audible.com backslash bang bang to get it. With so many choices, it can be hard, I know, to choose what audiobook to download first. Well, I have an idea for you. Go head over to Audible today

and get friends at the show. Bob Odenkirk and David Cross's book, Hollywood said no. The book is narrated by Bob and David themselves, and I'm on that. You can hear me on it. So what are you waiting for? That is a free audiobook and a 30-day free trial

by visiting audible.com backslash bang bang. Remember, audible.com backslash bang bang for a free audiobook and a 30-day free, free, free trial. Thanks, Audible, and now on with the party. All right, comedy. All right, comedy. Comedy.

Bang bang. Bang. Bang bang, baby. Bang bang. Comedy bing bong. Do you hear him, sirens? Oh, man, somebody done a crime. Oh, hell.

Too bad it wasn't a plane. I was listening to my Bearcat scanner. I heard a crown go. I like this guy. I kind of like it, too. All right, work on that. Okay. All right.

Maybe we'll see you later. I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins and... Hi. Can I wait with Scott? Yep. I just want to reset with the listener and say hi to them. Hello.

Hello. Hi. We're having fun here. I think, yes. It's been a journey. Yeah, it has been a journey. We've counted down your top 15. We've even heard what 20 through 16 were.

We haven't heard clips from them, but top 15 this year, some great stuff this year. A lot of great stuff. Listen, this show was on fire this year. Great guests, people going out of their goddamn minds. There was so much giggling and goofery. Gallant showed up at one point. Yeah, he was not.

He was not welcome. Nope. Table's got turned. No, he was like, there you go. Get out of here, Gallant. Go hold the door open for an old lady. We like goofers. That's right.

Goofers around. Yeah. Some good stuff this year. And you know, you hate to be at the end of a countdown, but you love to watch it leave. And of course, what would the end of a countdown be without your number one? Number one.

That's right. Number one. I love that old expression. It's not the end of a countdown without a number one. We're here. What do you think it is? I know what I would like it to be. Yeah, what is that?

Well, I'm not going to say. Okay. If I say the title and that is what you would like it to be, will you say that? I will confirm that. Okay, great. Now, we've had a lot of... Oh, yes.

If it's not what I would like it to be, I will very obviously lie and say that that is what I wanted it to be. Okay, great. I'm going to be confused because I don't pick up on that. You will know the difference. All right. Well, I don't know.

I have a hard time reading emotions. Okay. Okay, this is... Now, a lot of the previous positions had some jockeying back and forth. Not this one. This was the runaway favorite from the... The whole time. The entire time it never was less than number one.

Wow. The entire time. Wow. And by hundreds and thousands of votes. Can you say how many votes did this one get? This one ended up getting almost 4,000 votes. And this... Everything else was in the shoes.

Wow. So, the votes were pretty evenly... This got... But this got the most votes? This got the most, yes. So, the votes were pretty evenly distributed over the... Well, let's see. Number 15 had...

Let me check on that had 1,487. Okay. I don't know math or how it goes. Well, we've been counting. What would it count down to be without number one? No, I get that. Of course, I know that expression. But yeah, I wish I hadn't opened up this worm can.

Why are there so many cans of worms? Sirens. Did you hear? This guy's great. A crime wit. Okay, so this was far and away the favorite episode of everyone of the year. I was listening to it again today and it certainly is

one of my favorite episodes we've ever done. There is so much out of this episode, we're going to take it in two chunks. You're saying it's rich, textured, layered. And there are so many bits in it and so much good stuff and so much story happening. I couldn't figure out exactly what to cut from it, so we're going to hear two long chunks.

We're going to take a break in the middle from it. From it. In it. And we're going to take a break from it. This is your number one episode and it is from episode 215 and it is an episode called Time Bobby 2. You were lying, really? No, Scott, you're terrible at reading things.

Time Bobby 2. Can I just say, Time Bobby 1. Last year, just Time Bobby, it wasn't Time Bobby 1. We never knew there would be a sequel. That's right. That would have been bold to entitle a Time Bobby 1. We should do an episode like that next year. We're definitely going to do another one of these no matter what.

Actually, we may have one coming up. Okay, but the first Time Bobby episode won our countdown last year. That's right. This is the only time this has ever happened. As I mentioned earlier, farts and procreation, they won number one one year and then they slipped down to either two or three. I can't remember the next year.

And then number three was number five this year. So this is the only time this has ever happened where an episode won number one one year and then it's sequel won number one the second year. And that is just a testament to the quality of these episodes, I believe. Well, that is, I'm very excited. This is one of my all-time favorite episodes. A lot of stuff going on.

A lot of stuff going on. I enjoyed this. I enjoyed this greatly. Yes, as did I. Now, we're going to hear a couple of chunks here before we take a break. We're going to hear basically, this is our good friend, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. You heard him pretty early in this countdown in number 15.

He was just hanging out with us. And as it happened in the previous Time Bobby episode, the reason this is a sequel is because of the people involved. The personnel. I was just chatting with Andrew Lloyd Webber. You'll hear a little bit of that. And then a very special guest comes in who was in the previous Time Bobby episode. And a lot of stuff happens.

I'm not going to spoil it for you, but it ends on a cliffhanger. And then when we come back from that, we'll take a break. And then we'll hear the resolution of that cliffhanger. I can't wait. All right. So this is your number one episode, Time Bobby 2. Number one. And what has been going on with you, Andrew Lloyd Webber?

I mean, you've been living in the merry old land of Ing. Yes. England, of course. 01:14:04,000 --> 01:14:05,440 I said that I'll. And it's been a while since we have spoken. It's been quite a while. It's been, of course, quite a while.

And I always love to catch up with you because you're always up to something fascinatingly interesting. Oh, yes. Aren't I? Yes, of course. Always up to something. Fascinatingly interesting. I say, do you hear that rap-tap-tapping upon the...

Our chamber door? Yes. It's as a visitor, I suppose, and nothing more. Who's with that voice coming from? Hello. I'm looking in the space where a regular-sized human being man would be. Yes, directly across from our eyeballs. There is nothing there.

And yet I distinctly hear a voice. God, look down towards the ground. What's that? Do you see who my spy? Oh, my gosh, I think I see it. Hi, guys. Don't. Oh, hello.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a... It's a... It's a dear foeville. It's been a while. Yes. It's been. It's been.

Now, foeville, it's been quite a while since we've seen you. Yeah, it's been a long time, but it's good to see you guys. Well, now I am paralyzed with fright. Yes. You'll keep calm and do the other thing. I'm sorry. I just wanted to start off by apologizing for stabbing you last time. Last time you were on the show, you were a frisky little boy.

I got a little stabby. You did get quite stabby. Yeah, it's been a long time since then, so... It's been the worst experience of my life. Yeah. It's been. A long time since we've seen you. You've been dismissive to us?

Dismissive to us, of course. Did you realize he was also dismissive? Very dismissive. Hi, foeville. Let me catch the listeners up on what is happening right now. One of the last times that Lord Webber, Lloyd Lord Webber... Lloyd, Lloyd Webber. Lloyd, Lloyd Webby.

Webby got together a tiny young orphan boy, Hugh. Hugh Jackman? No, Hugh that I'm looking at right now. Oh, that I don't even meant to help. No, he's been to broadcasting school, so Hugh, came into the studio looking for scraps. Yeah, I was lost. You were lost and you were looking for scraps

and then ended up looking for a father. Lord Lloyd was about to... Lord, Lord. Lord, Lord, Lord Webby. I was going to make you my ward. Yeah. Invite you to my castle. Yeah.

To live in a gilded cage. On top of the world. That's right. Do you live on top of the world? Yes, didn't you know? We've never spoken about what your actual address is. Yes. The North Pole?

512. Yes, that's right. If you would like to send me some correspondence, simply address it to Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, the North Pole. I remember at one point there was a big court case deciding whether or not you were real. And someone from the post office came in and dumped just sacks and sacks of letters to you on...

Yes, it was such a hassle. They declared a mistrial. I'm allowed to walk the earth as a real person. Are they retrying it, though? Ever since this trip? Oh, I hope not. What do you know? You should check in on that.

Did we do some web research? But first, let's not forget... Web research? Let's not forget we have a stabby orphan in front of us. Totally forgot I got so sidetracked on this. I'm not going to hurt anybody unless you fucking... This is the problem, the unless. Exactly what happened last time.

You said you weren't going to hurt us. I don't want to hurt nobody. I just want love and some food, maybe some square... Like, if you have some flies, I'll eat those, but... You have... Well, who's really... Renphilian behavioural for fall fall. Can you still make the webs?

It's been quite a while, but... Wait, how long? It's been... Since I was a child, I think. Engineer Frank, did we install the metal detectors in the studio yet? Did we... Ah, no, I haven't...

Why haven't you done that? I... We have this open door... It's been on your honeydew list forever. It's been on my honeydew list forever, and I... We still have not done it. Look, I don't want to...

I don't want to start this again. I just want to be truthful this time. I am... I am carrying... How many knives are you carrying? Look, he's got a plastic knife. Got a pindalier for knives. Wooden knife?

He's got knives every... Yeah, butter knife. Not... It's actually made of butter. Oh my goodness. Really hardened butter. Yeah. My goodness.

That's kind of cute. We all dedicate to warm and... Is that an icicle? Yeah. You have an icicle in your pindalier? Yeah, yeah. It's a perfect murder weapon because... Because you can have it smidged?

And then it melted and nobody knows. Yeah, and then you've also got a leg of lamb in there. Frozen leg of lamb. Yeah. I can't eat it because it's frozen or else I'd be chained down. But I just wanted to let you know. I'm always packing. I can't help it because I'm from the streets.

I do. For new listeners, yes. This is a young orphan, four of all. Yeah. And why do you call yourself four of all? Or why did you... It's like five. I'll put one on this.

Oh, right, right, right. Of course. It's not everything. I forget these things. I have my little brother's three volt. You have family? Now, wait a minute. If you've got family, dear boy,

why are you running around stabbing people for scraps? Well, they died. Oh, I do apologize. You were speaking of him in the present tense. Yeah. Because I still carry him with me in my little... My little heart. Oh, in your heart.

Oh, I was afraid he was in that bandolier. I also was afraid. Well, he's part of it more. Are they frozen? No. Oh, OK. Just loose meat. Scraps, in other words.

It's relatively recent death. This three volt suffered? A couple days ago, yeah. And might I inquire? I ask trepidatiously, what might have been the cause of three volts demise? We were watching a movie, and he said he won't go to sleep until you turn it down.

I said, are you fucking kidding me, bro? You fucking kidding me, bro? What movie? I'm sorry. What movie? Was it something that had to be listened to loudly? It was the Drone Mama from the train. Oh, OK.

OK, I understand. Loud train sounds, yes. Adds to the expo. Oh, that's quite good. Thank you so much. That was a good train sound. It's almost like you're watching it right now. I thought there was a train coming.

I was going to hop on it. Oh, that's what you do as an orphan? Yeah, a little box. Can I ask you a question that I'm very, very concerned about? Of course. You say there's loose meat of your brother, Threeville, inside your bandolier. Yeah.

And loose meat is scraps. And you, it's heavily established that you're out there looking for scraps. Scorching. I'm very alarmed at this conversation. Is that a question? He is. I'm just wondering. Are you about to say what I think you're about to say?

Yes, whatever happened to Jay Davidson. Oh, what? What did happen to Jay Davidson? Do you know, Fourville? Yeah. You know what happened to Jay Davidson? Look on the back of my bandolier. Oh my God.

His Jay Davidson's penis. This big surprise of the crying game spoiler alert. No way. Do you recognize it's on site? Yeah, of course I can do it. It's the most famous penis in the world. You know, that's a fair point. Why?

How did you get Jay Davidson's penis? I saw him, I saw him at the store one day. And I said, hey, you Jay Davidson, right? And he said, why? Why, yeah. What a voice he had. Remember his melodious voice? He had a beautiful, a kid, Jeffrey Holder.

He could have been the new Darth Vader in the new movies. He said, you look lonely. And I said, I need a home to stay. And he said, you could stay with me. And I said, let me see that dick. And I cut it right off. But why? Because I don't want to live with that asshole.

Who would have just said no? Well, I guess I could. But when you're on the streets, man, you got to think quick. You got to be on your toes, even if they're little orphan toes. Was his penis exposed in the store? This is what I'm on. What kind of store is this? That guy's a little freak, man.

He walks around with his pants out all the time. What store is this? It's the only way people recognize him. Is this some sort of pornography store that you were at? Is that it? Yeah, was that the pornography store? Lacex shoppy? Yeah, a latex shoppy.

New high end. Yeah, sometimes I go in there and steal edible pants. Oh, now I feel bad for him again. Although you claim to me there's no... Pretty much my whole life is making people feel bad for me so then I could live with them. So you're aware of it? I don't know where the word is as much as I know my place.

You're cognizant. Yeah, cognizant. Correct. Well, I worry that you're out there searching for scraps and what you're doing is carving up human beings and then eating them. I never ate human beings don't slander me like that. I keep them just in case because if it ever gets real bad, I might have to but thank God it hasn't gotten to that point yet.

You have yet to taste human flesh. Yeah, it's just my brother. I parted with my brother losing me and they gave him some peanuts. That's all I got so far though. It's not like I'm a mass murderer. Let me ask you this. If it were to come to that, if you were in some sort of situation where there were no more edible panties to eat,

shut up to think what kind of a world would that be? It's a living nightmare. What would you eat? Alternate Dimension. Which would you eat first? Would you eat your brother Threvil or would you eat Jay Davidson's Wang? I'm not going to lie. I think I'm going for the brother because I ain't done with that gay shit.

Wait a minute. For real, you're homophobic? A little bit, yeah. But you admit it? I'm fully admitted about that. I don't understand it. I'm cool with that. They could do what they want, but I mean, I was walking down the street

and I heard the beautiful voice and I thought this is my time to come apologize. Maybe this is the problem. I shouldn't have you on the show anymore, Andrew Lloyd Webber. You blame me? Well, I mean, he heard your voice and all of a sudden here he is. I'm saying I'm some sort of stabby, orphan, lighting rod. I'm going to be honest. I was outside when Yakovic was here,

but I gave the respect to that man and I didn't come in. But if you don't hear from Weird Al again, that's not... Oh, I see. Wait a minute. Why does he deserve respect and we don't? Honestly, because you guys fucking punked me over that time out here. I think you're bearing the lead. You gave me...

He just intimated that he has murdered to death Weird Al Yakovic. What? What? He said if we don't hear from him again... Do you have anything else in that, in that... Wait, have you... ...mapsack of yours? Have you murdered the vicar of Yangs or are you going to?

This Hawaiian t-shirt didn't come from... He has a Hawaiian t-shirt made that's just covered in blood. Oh, that's what your knapsack is actually made of. I should have noticed it was a Hawaiian pattern. Skothik, I need to talk to you. Uh, yeah, do you mind... Oh, no, not at all. This, yeah, I'm sure this'll end perfectly.

Jesus fucking Christ, I'll be over here not listening, assholes. Thank you. Thank you for... Skothik. Yes. I feel as if Forful is just as dangerous as he ever was. I had hoped he would be less dangerous. It seems to me that murder is on his mind today.

I had hoped that he was dead, but he seems to be alive and stabby. I had hoped that perhaps when he had attacked the vicar of Yangs, that perhaps Alfred had had gotten the best of him, and perhaps, you know, I'm sure it would be kind of an equal battle for a little while, but then at the last second, Alfred would have grabbed the knife that had been kicked away, and then just stabbed him repeatedly. If only his name was dangerous, Alfred Yangovic. Oh, he really missed the boat on that.

He did, he did. Yeah. Well, what do we do? I don't know what we... I suppose let's just play along for now. Okay. Play kid, the boy, and ride out the clock. I'm worried that he's armed, and he has so many, especially the icicle.

Oh, are you worried that he's armed? Yes. I, what I'd like, what I mean to say is perhaps we could get those, those weapons away from him. Now, dear boy. Yes. Do you remember the last time we attempted to do such a thing? It didn't work out for us.

You remember knife grab? Well, I sort of remember it. I can't really remember what it stood for. No, can I? Well, can I? Well, there was... Kay. Kay.

He's got a knife. He's got a knife, of course. And... And no, really, he does have a knife. That's right. I, I do hope he does not stab us with that knife. He clearly has. Yes.

F. F. Forgive me, but this knife that he has is really scaring me. Yes. E. Ear now. He's got a knife. Which is, we've established that when you shout, you turn cockney.

Yes. And at that point, I'd certainly be shouting. Of course. Then G. G. Go blimey. You're really shouting at this point. Yes.

Go blimey. Someone come get this knife away from this glee's north. So get this fucking knife. Please, don't guide Richard. And then, of course, R. R. Really? Are you someone going to get this fucking knife off of him?

Who's that? That's you when you're really, really, really shouting at your... Thought Crocodile Dundee had shown up. Please. A. A. A shame it would be, were we to be stabbed by this child in his knife? You're not shouting at this point because you have been stabbed and the blood is...

I'm becoming very reflective. Yes, of course. My life passing before my eyes. Of course. And then, of course, B. Boy, oh boy. I hope we don't get stabbed anymore. Here we come, God.

We're about to meet you. That's correct. Boy, yeah, that doesn't work out for us. So we... So this time... Yeah. I wonder if we might come up with a different stratagem. Okay.

For dealing with this. Perhaps restraining him without work. I mean, we didn't try that last time. Yes. Perhaps rather than grabbing for the knife, we'll grab for the little orphan himself. Orphan grab. Yes. Orphan curse.

Now, how will we remember the secret code word orphan grab? Well, we could turn into a mnemonic device, I suppose. Oh, I see. That's a clever idea. Okay. Well, let's try it out. So... Oh.

Oh. Oh, no. We've got to get that orphan. Yes, of course. Then R. Really? Really. Lord Webber, please grab the orphan. Yes.

P. Phone. Someone use this phone. And call someone who is expert at grabbing orphans. Okay, of course. H. Hello. Are you an orphan who needs grabbing?

I rather think you are. A. A. The phones. So cool. Surely he would grab an orphan. Let's emulate his behaviors. Yes, of course.

And then... No. No. An orphan needs grabbing. Who will do it? Us. Gee. Gee, your hair smells terrific.

Won't you consider grabbing an orphan? Or... Are you going to grab this orphan or not? Exactly. A. A. A. Phone is back.

Of course, B. Boy. Boy. Who needs grabbing that orphan right now. Of course. Okay. So, if this comes up, if anyone's... If either of us says orphan grab.

Yes. We're going to grab him. We'll remember. And just so we're crystal clear on everything. Orphan grab that code word and it stands for O. Oh. Oh, gosh. What does orphan grab stand for?

Is that what we're doing? You'll have to tell me. We have to make sure we're both clear on this. I, of course, remember. You do. Of course I do. Oh, no. Oh, oh, God.

Very close. Oh, there's an orphan boy. We must grab him. That's good enough. That's good enough. Okay, are. Are really orphans? We need to...

Oh, gosh. This is... You know what? I think this is going to be too much for me to remember. Maybe we should just say orphan grab. All right. I do hope we remember that code word. Let's bring him back and see what...

All right. Yes. 01:30:24,160 --> 01:30:25,040 Four of all. Hello, dear boy. Come back. Come back over here. Put away your coloring book.

Get off your little pony. I brought my little pony. Are you a bit of a brony? I'm sorry. Are you a bit of a brony? I am. I thought you'd ask me if I was a jabroni. Oh, no, you wouldn't.

No, no, no. I didn't... No, I didn't. I was very confused by it. It seemed foreign coming out of his mouth. Well, I'm a huge fan of the worldwide wrestling federation. Why don't you grow? Why don't you shut the fuck up, God?

Oh, awful, awful. Why don't I fucking grow? Just why don't you offer french fries like a gentleman? Look, I put them away. That's the very least I could do. Yeah. Put them in your fry vault. Speaking of fry vault, do you have a brother fry vault?

Yeah. Really? My oldest... I just was hazarding a guess, but... He's my oldest younger brother. Because he's in one scultric. So fry vault, is your oldest younger... Is fry vault still with us?

Yeah. Oh, that's good. Well, why don't you live with him? Not for long. What? Why? Because he don't have a home neighbor. Oh, so he's going to perish just from the conditions out on the streets?

Yeah, he's got the gout. Oh, no. How did you come to get the gout at such a tender age? I think from eating too much salt. Oh, okay. That'll do it. Does he have scurvy as well? Yeah, vitamin deficiency.

Why don't you feed him some limes? I don't have no limes. I got nothing. Oh, I got his shirt on my back and this bandolier full of insane weapons. Yeah, and of course J. Davidson's. And J. Davidson's... Oh, that's right, J. Davidson's penis. And the loose scraps of your little brother.

Yeah. Well, that's too bad for fry vault. Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to meet him someday. Well, I don't know if you would, because... Really? Yeah, he's got a worse temper than I do. What am I saying?

Is he close by? I think he might be. Well, why would we summon him up? Is he not a fan of Lord Weber here? Scott, we've got a question, of course. I don't know how to tell you this, Andrew. What? He's not a fan.

What? What? Is he actively staying away because of Lord Weber's presence? He's all about Sondheim. What? Why should I get off? Sondheim has ever dropped a chandelier on any stage? How did he get his name?

Sondheim? Yes. It's a hymer of songs. Oh, of course. Right there in the name. Writer of songs, hymer of songs. Indeed. Yes.

Well, so he would not want to come in. Is that what you're saying? I mean, he follows me around sometimes. So we have each other's back in a little sense. But if he shows up, it's not my fault. Okay. You know, I'm just saying. You're saying he has a worse temper than yours?

Much worse. Yeah, much, much worse. What would he make of my fry vault? Well, he would get confused, I think, at first because that's his name. Sure, certainly. Because I'd say this is my fry vault. And you would say, I'm not a slave.

I'm not your fry vault. Because that's what he sounds like. That's what he sounds like? Yeah. It's the same confusion I suffer around many grills. He sounds a lot like Jay Davidson. Even the feet dance. Even the foreman grill.

Well, the foreman grill, I just don't understand. How do they get the fat out? Well, it drips down into the fat catcher. It drips down into an angle. Well, thank you. Now mystery solved. I just want to bet with Sarah Brightman. You still on good terms with Sarah Brightman.

So look, we're on betting terms. Oh, I see. About grills. So really, anytime a grill themed bet comes up, you'll call Sarah Brightman. Other than that, we do not speak. Well, I hope he doesn't come because he sounds dangerous. I will say, let me go on record and say,

the last thing I want to happen on this earth is for this fry vault to show up in this studio. It truly is. Because he will gut you, man. It'll be a day of reckoning. Yeah, it will. Good news that he won't be here. I do, he won't.

Don't forget. Well, we have to take a break here in a second. But I do want to say. Orphan grab. Oh, what the fuck? Get, get, get, get. Hold it, hold it. I got him.

I got him. He's so strong. I get off of me. He's so strong. You son of a fucking bitch. Okay, we'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back.

We'll be right back after this. Number one. Ooh, that is an exciting cliffhanger, isn't it? I'm hanging. I feel like, I feel like I'm hanging off of a cliff. I really do. Yeah. I don't want to be.

We've talked about this on the show before, but shouldn't the movie cliffhanger have ended on a cliffhanger? It should have. Like he, he falls off the mountain, freeze frame to be continued. Do you feel that they didn't have enough faith that people would want to see another one? Yeah, I kind of do. And no one did.

Otherwise, they would have made one. Boy, that's exciting. We have to take a break. When we come back, we will hear the exciting resolution of Time Bobby 2 after this. 227. Is a comedy. Hey guys, Scott Ackerman here

with a little bit of trivia for you. Did you know that strawberries help naturally whiten your smile? What? Amazing. Strawberries naturally whiten your smile. Well, do you know what makes me smile? Chocolate covered strawberries. Boom.

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I knew that strawberries whiten your smile. I didn't know you knew it. Thank you so much. That's berries.com. Click on the microphone, type in bang bang, get your delicious discount. All right, Comedy Bang Bang. I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins.

Hi. When we left off to you, we were looking at a sourdough clip. Tiny Fourville was tied up by myself and Andrew Lloyd Webber. That's right. And we finally got the drop on him. We shouted out orphan grab and we got him. That's right. Thankfully, Andrew Lloyd Webber and you remembered

you didn't need the pneumatic device. Yes, yes, we remembered it. Now, I don't know if you heard it in these clips because they're a little cut up, but I had been eating french fries the whole time, by the way. 01:37:48,400 --> 01:37:50,000 I meant to set that up in it,

but I had been sort of taunting young Fourville with them. He was starving. He was starving, yes. So that's what all that talk of french fries was about. Okay, so we're going to get back to it. This is, of course, your number one and this is the climactic conclusion of Time Bobby 2. Number one.

Comedy Bang Bang. Oh, look, Webber. It was tough. That was a rough go. It was a rough go. Visit some bullshit. You'll be quiet. Did the way you treat me.

Don't tell me again. Quiet, be quiet over that. Quiet, Fourville. The way you treat me is ridiculous. We were strained for it. Yes. Thank God that I brought these handcuffs and these heavy, strong ropes here into the studio.

We have him. Lucky coincidence. We have a Fourville tied to a chair here. And they're little tiny handcuffs, which really came in handy. They're rather charming. Yeah, they are. They're Barbie handcuffs.

I'm pissed off, but they are adorable. I'm glad that you can recognize that. Why would they make Barbie handcuffs? Well, Barbie's into some weird shit. Yeah, man. With Ken. Yeah. Shame for the children.

Ken Burns, I mean. Oh, certainly, the documentarian. Yes, of course. Ken Burns fucks Barbies. Have we ever talked about that on the show? Off, Mike. Okay, of course. So, thank goodness, but we have Fourville restrained.

Yes. I feel much better. Sean's have to worry that we're going to be stabbed. We've taken away his bandolier full of things. And we have the icicle. Locked it up in the fry vault. We locked it up in the fry vault, of course. You put it in my brother?

No, no, no. No, this is the word confusion. Oh, that's why, yeah. My French fry vault, where I keep all my fries, yeah. We put the icicle in the fry vault, which keeps the fries warm, so hopefully it'll melt down. And also J. Davidson's penis is in there. He's getting a nice browning.

Yeah, I was going to say, please be careful, because I don't want to cook the meat too much. Sure. So, maybe we might donate it to Planet Hollywood. Sure, they love to have it. Yes. Put it in a glass case. That's right.

Right above someone's table. That's right. So, Fourville, I guess the shoe's on the other foot here, huh? Yes. Yeah. Now, you are at our mercy. For the first time, I came here to apologize, and you guys treat me like this,

but I'm not going to say I get it. I truly get it. Yes, you did a shabby job of apologizing. I don't, I know. The very first words out of your mouth were, I don't want to stab you, but. Yeah. That's a terrible way to begin an apology, boy.

But at least I was being honest. I do commend you for your honesty. Thank you for your candor. Every good boy deserves fudge. Yeah. That's right. That was part of knife grab, is that recall? Yeah.

Never mind. So, now that we have you at our mercy, we can ask you some questions, and you have to answer them honestly, or else we, you know, we have some telephone. Folks here, and we, you know, it's sack full of oranges, you know. Bar's open a sock, I see. Yeah, so.

Code red. Yes, Mountain Dew code red. We'll foresee to drink it. You guys are the, you guys are terrorists. That's well, sorry. Just not the code red. So, here we go. Forville, you got to answer our questions,

or else you are in for it. That's right. It's been a long time coming. All right, so Forville, first off, we want to ask how old are you? Yeah. How old are you? Yeah.

You must answer. Right now? Uh-huh. I'm six years old. I feel as if he's lying. I knew it, even if he wasn't, I was going to hit him anyway. I mean, it just, he stabbed us almost to death.

That is true. You know, I mean, this feels good. If I get out of here, you don't even fucking understand what's going to happen to you. Oh yeah, you're not getting out of here. Oh yeah, you think it's so tough right now? I do think I'm so... Ow, gosh!

How do you like that? Do you stab me often? Actually, I don't really enjoy it. No, I don't enjoy it. It was kind of rhetorical, though, I think. No, I was sincerely asking. Oh, you were. This one, you never did.

No, it's not fun to be able to tell from books. All right, note it. Stop it! You're hurting me. Getting more fun or less fun? Less fun. So, thank you for taking my survey. I just have two more questions.

Stop it! All right, Forville. You're beating a child. A stabbing child? Are you a child? You're beating a little orphan. Are you a little orphan? Because I, frankly, have my suspicions.

As do I. You've claimed that you lived with Vince McMahon. I've lived with a bunch of people. For 12 years. Yeah, but... How can you be six years old? Like I said, on the streets, time gets long, so I don't understand.

Time to... Oh, God! That was the... Stopped! That was the end. That first one was just to lure you into a sense of... Yeah, that was crazy. Did you have a sense of security?

I... Ow, stop it! Forville. That one didn't hurt much, but... Oh, okay, I'm so sorry. Give me another one. Okay, here we go. Oh, dear.

Let me get my phone book out. Okay. Why did you put it back down? Well, I thought I was done with this. You're not a very good Foley artist. Here we go. All right, ready? Stop it!

Double! Yeah. You had that comment. That was... Yeah, that was... Or are you going to ask Lord Webber? Forville. I could take this, by the way.

Really? You've been tortured before? Of course I've been tortured before. Who's tortured you before? I don't want to... Name five names! Bruce Willis. Jessica Tandy. Of course, he was great at it.

Kathy Bates. This guy, Tom. Oh, yeah, he's not famous. Wait, Tom Cruise? Yeah. Oh, okay. He's rather famous. Kelly McGillis.

Kelly McGillis. From Witness? Yeah. From Top Gun, I say. Yeah. Ow! That one was just extra. Why did you do that?

You know, you gave us the names. You just don't like Kelly McGillis. No, I don't. Yeah. Forville. This is torture. You're two grown men torturing a small ill or... You stabbed us unto death, dear boy.

That's true. You're a dangerous creature, and I say creature purposefully. Because I feel as if there's something about you that's not quite natural. Wait a minute. Are you saying that he's some sort of supernatural creature? Yes. akin to something Gary Marshall would chase in his off hours?

Exactly. I daresay that demented old monster hunter. So, is that true, Forville? Are you not of this earth? That might not be, no. You might not be of this earth. Why have you come here to stab human beings? I'm a time, Bobby.

What? I'm a time, Bobby. I know. Wait a minute. I don't know how to tell you this, Scott, but... Are you an I.A. of time, Bobby? Yeah. Internal affairs?

Yeah. A time-traveling serpico? Yeah. What have I done wrong? Everything. Oh, no. Oh, no. This doesn't look good, Scotrick.

If you're just listening to this for the first time, last time Forville's on the show. Last time I was on the show, we established that I'm a time, Bobby, hopping throughout time. This cannon? Yes, taking care of wayward time-travelers. Yeah, you screwed up everything. The buttercream effect.

Yeah. How did I screw it up? I'm trying to take care of everything. I don't know how to tell you this, but have you ever seen a baby picture of yourself? I mean, let me search back using the science of memory. Certainly. Search back through the recesses of my mind.

Wait a minute. No, I have not. Yes, I believe everyone's seen a baby picture of themselves. Well, I think my parents never took pictures of me when I was young. Is that possible? Or maybe they were destroyed for a reason. What?

What reason could that be? What reason? No! I don't know how to tell you this, but you are beating yourself. What? Wait a minute. Bruises are appearing on my body. Look what you've got here.

Scot, you're looping. You're looping, Scotrick. Oh, wow. God, I'm in such pain. How do you take this? Because I'm strong, but I can't, Scot, because I'm you. You're me as a child? Yeah.

This, I know it sounds crazy, like this took an insane turn. And it doesn't even seem to add up with all the information that we have previous. Well, but that all could have been a lie. It's the buttercream effect, man. You screwed everything up by going back in time. Why are you trying to kill me to death, then, if you? I'm just trying to hang out and be cool and live with you.

You offered me a home. You said you would be my dad. And then you took that away from me, so I stabbed the fucking shit out of you to prove a point. But now, the reason I took it away is because you kept threatening to stab everyone. I can't help it. I'm stabbing.

Actions have consequences. It is like the buttercream effect. All the candies you eat in one time will affect future candies. Actions have consequences, as we saw on Downtown Abbey. Oh, God. I know. I'm just saying that the servants, they get into these scrapes, and it affects the people upstairs.

I know it in the midst of a strange, science-fictional, supernatural situation, but still, it's doubting. Downtown Abbey, yes. I will stop you. Please, please. I don't know what the problem is. I'm now praying for you to get stabbed by yourself.

It's my favorite show, and they're trying to save Downtown. And all the people live at Downtown, and they go Downtown. So why am I not stabby? Why have I grown up into the way I am? Are you saying it gets better? It gets better, Scott. Oh, OK. So, Scottrick, if we allow a foveal to flourish,

to live, perhaps, to find love, you'll grow up into a fine young man like you. All I need to do is find a good home, and then I grow up to be an amazing podcast. Well, what about my home, where I grew up? And which is also my home? My childhood home. Wait a minute, but you murdered my parents?

I always wondered how my parents died. No, you murdered your parents. Oh, my God, I did. What do you remember, Scottrick? Oh, my God, I'm remembering it now. I'm remembering everything. The cab, Pat Merida, the roundhouse kick, the dislocated his head.

Oh, and then everything after the first day. Yeah. Oh, my God. My life becoming a time, Bobby, an internal affairs, trying to catch myself. Closing the loop, as it were. Stabbing myself. You looped yourself.

Oh, no. I didn't even get the gold bars. Oh, what is that? I remember it all. So many choices I made. So many, but my little brother? Yeah. And Sixle.

Oh, God. Oh, no, not Sixle. Quite a family. What happened to him? Catholic hundreds of times. Oh, and hundreds? And fry vault. Oh, my God.

What a terror. The bed seat, the black sheep. And you say hundreds. Are we talking about alternate dimensions? Yeah. What? But they're all converging here, in this dimension. Wait, so are you me from an alternate dimension?

I see, but now that you're here, I'm remembering your past as if it's my past. Yeah, because you screwed everything up. Oh, no. We were both in crisscross for a period of time as well. The two of us? You was a young boy and me as an older boy? We were totally whacked out, getting older ladies.

That is familiar. I do recall now. I remember that most of all. You were in crisscross, yeah. That was a good three weeks that we were famous. Solid three weeks. Yeah, I mean, for 21 days, a good 21 days. A lot happened.

Really tight, really good stuff. A lot of jumping. Yeah, too much jumping for it. Yeah, my arches. Too much jumping. A great deal. No. My God, I can't remember everything and all my family and boy.

Wait a minute. I remember what happened to the fry vault here. What? What happened? Well, I remember, it's been a while ago. It's been as- It's been how long? It's been as many years as Forville is of age minus however old I am,

which I don't even know how old I am anymore. It seems as if I've been alive forever. I remember the dinosaurs. I remember the- The television show. Yeah, the television show dinosaurs. So how long have I been alive? A long time.

It's not how long you've been alive. The real question is how long haven't you been alive? Oh my God. I am. I'm sorry for asking that other stupid question. Yeah. You realize you beat me with a form book for no reason now, right? Well, I-

Hell no, to be fair, we have arrived at this information. Yeah, we got there. So torture works, we've proven it. Yeah, it does, it does. I'm trying to remember what happened to the fry vault. I think I'll remember at some point and then I'll- But I say Forville. All of these trans-dimensional Forvils, Fivils, Sixels, what have you?

So many. Why are they converging on this dimension? Because it's time. Time for? I have- I have a score trick. There's a lump in my throat as I attempt to ask this question. But please, please ask it, my dear boy, as I am too afraid.

Time for? What, Forville? A little reckoning. Oh dear. A little reckoning. Yeah. A little reckoning? Eli Apashviel?

Yeah, a little. Let me get this straight. Like Lil Kemp. Oh, okay, right, that makes sense. Not yet. Yeah. So you are the Forville of this dimension. Yeah.

The- no, sorry, you're the Fivil. No, you're the Forville. Right, yes, I'm sorry. Fivil. I'm getting very confused. There's no Fivil in my family. There's only the famous Fivil from- Oh, okay, so that's not a Fivil from another dimension.

We're not related to him, he's a fucking cartoon rat. Oh, okay, so sorry. I just assumed there was another alternate- Alternate? Alternate. It is difficult to say. There's an alternate dimension where, instead of humans, the world is anthropomorphic rats.

Yeah. And Fivil is your doppelganger. Isaac, how do you come to know so much about these ultimate dimensions? But what I'm trying to get at is that the- the you from all these other dimensions are now being called to this earth and it's time for the little reckoning?

Yeah, because it's time to set things straight. What I really came here to do, Scott, was to apologize and to give you your life back because you're doing so well and I want you to thrive. Even though I had a bad childhood because of all the terribleness and all the stabbing, the killings, I realized now that what I've done is bad.

So I came here to stop it and to- to let you go free of all this and correct all the wrongdoings. But you've decided to time me up like a little fucking bitch and hit me with a phone book. So- Can I say that your monologue was very affecting until that last sentence-

Oh, yeah, when I started to get real and I started to curse. I was welling up with tears and I was about to grab my tear basin. Oh, yeah. No need for it now. I felt it was getting a bit dusty. What I'm saying is you deserve the best because you're a good man and you're true.

Scottrick, your tears falling into your tear basin. It's falling into your tear basin. I'm sorry guys. You have a beautiful life and a beautiful wife and the only thing I want- Happy wife, happy life. Yeah, I mean, yeah. You created that term.

We don't even remember it. Happy life. It's a different dimension. Happy wife. Happy life, high five. That was not the time. Sorry, sorry. I'm willing to come here and take this torture

and maybe even die by your hands slash my own hands. If I kill you though, what happens to me? Oh, I say, paradox. He'll disappear. Well, you'll go to a dance and you'll play a Johnny B. Good song and then maybe- That sounds fun. Yeah, it's really fun.

The song by Johnny B. Good. Will Marvin Berry be off to the side? His go, yeah, of course. Okay, calling his cousin Chuck. Mayor Goldie Wilson might be driving around. I bet he would. What about that guy with the 3D glasses? Will he be around?

Oh, no, that guy's dead. Oh, yeah. What happened to it? He died. He died in 1956? Yeah. Oh, gosh. Rest in peace, terrible story.

What I'm trying to say is I'm willing to come here to apologize and give my own life so that you can live on and have a fruitful career. Okay, great. Well, let's get that icicle out of the fry vault and let's carve him up. What do you say? Wait.

Yo, what's going on here? Oh, I remember now. Yo, it's fry vault. Fry vault? Fry vault. Yeah. I remember he comes in and then we say, hey, have you seen my fry vault?

And then he gets confused and he doesn't, he thinks that that- So what you got to say to me? Fry vault. Yeah. Wait, I'm confused. Yes, I'm pointing at my fry vault. That's all you're confused.

That's all you're confused. I'm sorry, I'm confused. I did not know if you were talking to me or if you were pointing at me. I'm pointing at my fry vault right now. I'm saying fry vault. Fry vault comma your brothers or your, I guess your interdimensional-

Other self? Other self's icicle is contained within. And that is a statement. Fry vault, your interdimensional- Really? Brother's icicle is contained within. You will argue. Okay.

That is a statement. And- Four of those, everything okay over here? I don't know. I don't think it's going okay. I don't like that. Yo, are you Andrew Lloyd Webber? Uh, who wants to know?

I do, because I'm asking. I'm a fry vault. No, I'm Stephen Sondheim. Yes, the great Stephen Sondheim. Shut the fuck up, Orio. Well, certainly, I'm Stephen Sondheim. 01:56:02,720 --> 01:56:03,760 I'm a huge fan.

I'm a huge fan. Thank you, it's good to meet a fellow American. You hear his American accent. Of course, I'm from New York. New York City. That's right. I don't like that barbecue sauce. Yeah.

So what an honor to meet you. This is an honor, man. I was ready to kill people. Good, good. I was ready to kill a bunch of people. If you were Andrew Lloyd Webber, I swear to God, I would have cut your own throat out. I wouldn't blame you.

Who likes that fellow? That's terrible music. Stephen, tell us about the creation of Sweeney Todd, if you would. Oh, my God, that would be a dream. Well, it was quite easy, really. That's Andrew Lloyd Webber. He's lying.

What the hell did you say? Fry Vault. That's Andrew Lloyd Webber. He's a liar. Fry Vault, Fry Vault, Fry Vault. Please don't listen here for a second. We're going to have a private conversation. Oh, so just don't listen for a minute?

Just don't. Okay. I'll be over here for a sec. Okay, sure. Well, sound high, man. Fucking good to meet you, bro. I go. Fucking great to meet you, son.

Just go off on the corner for a second. I want to talk to you. I'm going to sit on top of this Fry Vault. Don't get confused. Okay, all right. Okay. Four of all. Yeah.

Come on, man. I'm afraid of him, too, guys. You got to get me in on this one. We need a code word if anything goes wrong. Good point. Okay. Well, I suggest a code word, possibly Fry Vault grab. Yeah, I think that's perfect.

Maybe a shorter one. Well, I was going to go longer. Okay, got no down there. Okay, what did you have in mind? Interdimensional. I'm in no position. Interdimensional, four of all grab. Yeah.

I guess we could try it. That way we know. No, it should be. No, don't grab me again. I'm not doing shit. No, no, no, no. You're the regular four. Fry Vault grab.

Yeah, you're from Irish. Because if it's Fry Vault grab, we might grab the Fry Vault. You're right. Of course. So if we say, if we make the code word, interdimensional Fry Vault grab, we'll know exactly what to do.

Yeah, then no one will be confused. I fear we may forget this code word. What shall we do to remember it? I have one idea. Yes, I'm open to suggestions. Wait, I have two ideas, actually. No, just the one. I think that we could make a pneumonic device out of this.

Oh, I see. That's a brilliant idea. That's quite good, yes. Okay, well, four of all, perhaps you have some idea of what the eye could stand for. Yes, we'll round Robin. Okay. Yeah, could you untie me first?

Oh, no, I get it. Don't bother. I... Is it difficult for you to come up? I'm sorry that I brought all this upon you, my brother Fry Vault, who is also your brother and you. Right.

That's not too hard to remember at all. No, no, no. I'm sorry. Wait, are you talking about my Fry Vault? Well, the interdimensional Fry Vault, I'm a little confused right now. Yes, this is... Oh, I thought you were talking about my Fry Vault,

in which I keep my fries. Yes. Just try to keep the term and the proper name, Fry Vault, out of the Demonic Divine. Well, it is a proper name as a term as well, because it's a... It's a brand name. Yeah, it's a brand name.

Yes, of course. It's much like Kleenex. Yeah. It's the thing that's come to mean any sort of vaulting wherein people store fries. Yes, of course. Yes. And some microwaves.

Yeah. Yes, certainly. So... I'm sorry for the eye. I'm sorry that this is about to go down. Certainly. Very simple. I'll take the N.

Okay. Nay, it is I who should be sorry for inviting such a plague upon this studio with my brilliance that you admired in the first place. N, of course. I just did N. Sorry. What am I thinking of?

T. This is already too hard for me to remember, and we're only three in. T. Try to remember that T is the next part of interdimensional, four-val grab. Perfect. Perfect.

Perfect. T. Right, Craig. I believe so. I don't smell too good because I never went to school. Oh, wait. I went to school. Orphan boy. I went to school, though.

Please, paradox. Go ahead. Oh, wait a minute. I have a picture of my yearbook here. It's disappearing. That's right. Of course it is. Oh, no.

No, I never went to school. Now I'm not so good. No wonder I messed up the T for the N. Gotta go to the enchantment under the sea dance and correct all that at some point. I hate dances. All right, go ahead. E is for erasing all of the badness

and getting back some goodness in our lives. Okay, great. Rage, rage against this interdimensional menace who is attempting to kill us. Do I have a hyphen or do I have a D? A D. Okay, great.

Domo erigato, Mr. Roboto. Perfect. I was going to suggest that. Okay, great. All right. I? I am sorry once again for doing all this. Welling up again.

I never meant to hurt you. Tear basin is almost full. I just want a good home for everyone. I'm sorry. I'm so touched. All right, where are we? M to me. May I say, I think we should do something

about this murderous interdimensional traveler. Okay, good. And I believe I have an E. Is that correct? Is that how you spelled? Dime engine. Yes, it is. Okay.

Every good boy loves fudge. And deserves it. And deserves it. Yes, it is. Every good boy loves and deserves fudge. Okay, let's amend that. All right. Do I have this amended and approved?

Yes, we need a quorum. The motion is carried. Carried. Fantastic. All right. Now we're N. Yes. Yeah.

Never let this happen again if you ever go back in time. Never let it happen again. I will remember that. Thank you so much. Thank you for remembering. All right. I believe we're at S.

S. I'm a snake reminding you that the time is now to prevent yourselves from being stabbed. Very good, very good. All right. I just want to say I'm sorry, guys. I know that, Forville, you're apologizing and I feel like I need to apologize because...

You do. That means a lot. Because I never realize... You know, I think sometimes we get mad at things that remind us of ourselves and our own humanity. And I think that's... I say this seems like rather a lot to remember.

Okay, I'll just amend it too. I'm sorry. Yeah. Is the amendment taken? I ratify it. We already have a couple I'm sorrys. Easy to remember. Maybe we should change to it's been.

Okay, it's been. Great. Is that amendment just ratified? Is that all right? So noted. Okay. What are we on now? Oh.

Oh boy, I'm sorry. I think we are already out. Oh boy, it's been. We can always use a couple it's been. I'm fine with that. N is next, I believe. Yes, N, the letter N. Very good.

Okay. Is it interdimensional or interdimension? I can't remember. Interdimensional. Interdimensional. Interdimensional frivalled grab. Okay, so sorry. All right.

We got so far to go. All right. A is of course. A. Fonzie came back a second time. Of course. Not about you soon. All right, L. L for...

Let's just... Let's just kill this fucker before he does anything. He is sitting in the corner. We could just... He can't... We need a code word though to do that. No, you got it. Yes, all right.

So we're at the end of interdimensional. I'm doing that. That's kidding. Well, that's what he's here for. He's a time Bobby. He's here to point out this. I know. I don't need this.

In consistency in the timeline. We can't be everywhere. It's all paradoxical, but in the end we all had fun. F! Finally, it is the time to grab this interdimensional scoundrel and ring his neck on to death. All right. R! Really, we should grab this scoundrel

and we should do it now. All right. Why? Would there be a why? Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. The brand name Frivol. Yeah, I was thinking fries.

Like there was multiple kate kates, not multiple fries. There's a ton in there. There's... I mean, there... I had a small fries, but there's a ton of fries in there. I mean, it's just such...

You lied to me. We'll get back to that later. No, I had a small fry, meaning that the bag that the fries were carried within was a small bag. All right, all right, all right. It's not a lie. We're on the same team now,

so I'm okay with that. Even if I did lie to you, I'm going to admit I did lie to you. Yeah, I was always honest with you. I never lied to you. I did lie to you, but you can't do anything about it because you lied to yourself, Scott.

I did lie to myself. And I've been doing that for so many years. It's easier to live life that way. The easiest lie to tell is a lie to oneself. Oh, so true. So true. Where were we? Why?

Why? Yo, yo, yo, what's up, son? Maybe that. Okay, yeah, definitely that. Can't you hear? Yeah. The victory shall be ours once this interdimensional person has been dealt with

and we can carry on with our lives the way it got intended. A, of course, is for A. Fonsi came back one last time. At the time he's gone, he's going to save the world someday. He will. You, Ursula, the sea witch from the Little Mermaid and all the reference.

Not to be confused with the enchantment under the sea dance. No, two different things. Two totally different things. I'm going to say Ursula, if we had the octopus lady to kill this man, we would be in a lot better situation than we are now. We would definitely be the victorious, however, we're just three men.

Just three men and a baby. Sure. We should talk about the baby who came in at some point. Oh, okay. Turns out it was just a cardboard cutout. All right. Everyone was scared. Of William Shatt, the reality of life.

Of William Shatt and the baby. Of course. L. L to be... Hmm, hmm, hmm. Let's grab that interdimensional scoundrel. I wondered when this would turn into music. Yes, it took its time.

Yeah, it really did. Just then. Just then it did. We probably should have started with the song. Those are very easy to remember. Those are. Oh yeah, why did we think the mnemonic device part was... Well, you can't argue with success.

You should have started with like a Jesus Christ superstar song. Yeah, probably. I guess we're at the end, right? We're at T. Yes. All right. T, of course. No, we still have grab after that.

Oh, no, we do. Okay. So sorry. Indeed. Okay, so... Make a little Volvo. That was the closest one. We would have forgotten this mnemonic device.

Yeah, it never would have gotten. It's great. T stands for tendencies. We all have them in ours as to grab this interdimensional fry vault. Gee, gosh, we've been doing this for a while. We got to get an easier way. Yeah, of course, of course. Ah.

Great. Well, now it's... I'm afraid people are going to think there's a D in that somewhere. Because of the ding? Indeed. And then mine is, of course, A for... Hey! Fonzie came back.

We thought he was done, but he's actually... He's forgotten something. ...has one last time. Yes. Forgot grab was in here and he decided to come back and save the world one last time. Which leaves us now... With B, which I think should stand for brotherhood. Because now we are bonded together as three against one.

I feel like we should do... Well said, Fonzie. I love that sentiment. I feel like we should do some sort of blood brotherhood between us. Yeah. You know? So why don't I open up the fry vault and get one of the knives out? I have a bunch of knives in my hand.

Okay, great. Certainly. Why don't... Let me just open it up here and... It worked! The county's done motherfuckers! Give me that thing! Ow!

I was a spy the whole time. What? I'm gonna stab the shit out of you, you motherfuckers! Can't you hear? I can't hear the motherfuckers! I can't hear the motherfuckers! No! Your majesty, move!

Minds the cool kids! Sons of bitches! They're in cahoots! I'm gonna kill you! You guys don't understand. You ain't Sondheim. I don't know Sondheim at any day. You ain't no fucking Sondheim, man.

You'll never be one. You'll never shall be one, okay? Here come the corgis! Oh! That's what you get, motherfucker! Ah! Oh, I'm sorry! Call me the dick!

I'm sorry! If I die, what becomes of you? Scott, only you can correct this. Ah! I have to go back in time now! Let me get my interdimensional time watch! Okay, I'm back. I went back through time.

Wait, where did Fry Volko? He disappeared. I killed every other version of myself. Scott, you did it, Scott. You did it. It worked. Everyone but you. But it worked.

I came here to help you. Fourville, no one's buying your story. You never could have done this without me. You're a terrible monster and everyone knows it. Andrew, Webby, you're killing me over here. Andrew Lloyd Webber? He got rid... Er, he got loose of the handcuffs, if you would.

They were very tiny plastic handcuffs. They were super easy to get out of. If you would do the honors of webbing him up for me? It's been a while, but I'll give it a shot. How long has it been? It's been since I was a child, but I'm sure the old skills will come back to me. Here we go. Please web him up, if you would.

Well, you know what? I deserve this, and I don't care. Okay, that's enough web, man. I can leave you room to breathe, of course. Just stab through the webs, Lord Webber. I left his face on Coffin. Okay, I'll just cut up his face. It's a bit grilly, but you can stab through the face.

Well, I did want an open coffin for his mother. My mother. He's not the face, yeah. Oh, no, she's there. That's right, never mind. So it doesn't matter. Okay, I'll just stab you in the face. Look, guys, it's summation.

I just want to say I know that our friendship has been a torrid affair. And I know that... Some ups and downs. What does it mean? Mostly downs. Mostly... A lot of downs. Threes of violence.

Much like downtown Abbey. Oh, shit, he hates that. I think you do that on purpose sometimes. I don't think so. I don't think so. Well, that can't be true. I don't even know what you're talking about. Yeah, I just want to say I know that I've been a bad, bad boy for so long.

But I did it for you, Scott, because I am you. I'm still going to stab you. I'm still going to stab you. No, I get it, and I'm fine with it. Let me grab the icicle that's been in the fry vault for a while, and I'll just stab you to death. I hope it hasn't melted. Look, I understand.

I know. Here we go. Here's the icicle. Say, have you made your peace with God? I have no regrets. I came and I helped, and I'm going to die happy. And this is probably the last episode of the podcast, because I'll be stabbing myself to death.

Yes. And I won't exist anymore. Stab some reason, yes. Okay, so here we go. Here's that icicle, and... What? It's just water. It's just water.

It melted in my fry vault. Those are cursed fries. That's why I never eat them. They're not helpful. Well, I guess I can't stab you with that icicle. Yeah, you can't. But we can take you all webbed up and cast you into the Los Angeles River

and drown you to death. But I would deserve it, I know. Yeah. I mean, really, if we do that, there's no way you could ever come back. No. No, he would... I mean...

I would be at the bottom of the sea. And your webs don't dissolve after an hour, like Spiderman's. Spiderman, sorry. I don't think so. I've never tested it. Okay, well, it takes about an hour to get to the river.

So... Right, or... So we'll probably just he'll be in the trunk all webbed up, and by the time we get to the river... Yes, I imagine the web will hold just as long as we need it to hold. Until we get to the river. Yeah, certainly.

Or I could turn the tables right now. No, you shan't. I mean... The tables have turned is what I'm trying to say. Well, how? You're all webbed up. It's impossible. Nobody...

Nobody beats Fourville ever, because I'm from the streets, and I'm smarter than everybody. I don't understand what you mean. You're webbed up. You're incapacitated. Am I webbed up? I say...

He doesn't seem to be webbed up. I can't help it. It's my stabby ways. I'm turning into scraps. Until we meet again. Come on, Pony. I'm slipping into a comma. And at the very end, he slipped in a bit of the crying game at that.

He did. Expert work. Number one. Wow. That's it, huh? They don't make them like that anymore, Scott. They really don't. Until the next one.

Will there be another time, Bobby? Who knows? Who knows? Who knows if Andrew Lloyd Webber will ever return, and if so, will Tiny Fourville hear his voice and come on back? Because it seems to attract him every time. It does, yeah. Well, that's it.

That's our countdown. What an amazing year for Comedy Bang Bang. As a fan of the show, what a delight it has been to laugh out loud listening to this stuff, like driving around in my car and laughing out loud. A lot of people will write on Twitter or on Facebook, I was listening to this podcast and I laughed out loud on the bus, or I laughed out loud at work. People looked at me like I was crazy. Yes.

I've had that same experience listening to the show. That one was very nice. It's nothing but a thrill to be a part of the Comedy Bang Bang family. Well, thank you, Paul. You are a great friend of the show. You only do one episode a year, but our good friends, you know, Alan Thicke and Cake Boss. Cake Boss. Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Werner Herzog. Oh, yeah, Werner Herzog, of course. And Mike the Janitor. Ice Tea. They're all good friends to us. It's such a pleasure to have them and you on this show, and thank you so much for being a big supporter of it this year. Absolutely.

And great year for Comedy Bang Bang, but I think the best is yet to come. Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum. You came along and everything started in dumb. Still, it's a real good bet. The best is yet to come. That was not it. I know it's not the song that we do all the words to or even all of the words to the first lyric.

Nope. We'll find it though in 2014. I feel like we will. All right, Paul. That's it. Thanks so much for being a part of these best ofs. Thank you, Scott. It was my pleasure.

We'll see you in 2014 and listeners. We'll see you in 2014. I hope you stick around and great. We'll see you on Monday with an all-new episode. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. Keep your hands off my stuff. All right. See you next week.

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