Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2014 Pt 4

Episode Date: January 1, 2015

The exciting conclusion of the Comedy Bang! Bang! best of 2014 countdown with Paul F. Tompkins is here with numbers three to one of the best CBB eps that YOU have chosen! Happy New Year!

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by the new HBO series Togetherness, a comedy created by the DuPlace brothers. Brett and Michelle are struggling to rekindle the spark in their relationship, which has puttered out from the stresses of marriage and children. Some people have it all figured out, but these are not those people. Tune in for the series premiere Sunday, January 11th at 9.30pm Eastern, only on HBO. Comedy Bang Bang. Beer before liquor, time is a flat circle.

Liquor before beer, time is a flat circle. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Alan P. Williams for that catchphrase. A bit of true detective inspired mirth. Coupled with the old rhymes about how to not get hung over. What is it? Beer before liquor, never sicker? Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Okay. Beer before liquor, never sicker.

Oh, that's what I did the other night. Right. You started with beer? I had two beers and then I switched over to vodka. And guess what? Not good. Never mix, never worry is another one. Yeah, that's a good advice. But you know what? I was kind of like,

I'm not feeling it with this beer. Beer is, by the way, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Bang. Scott Ockerman, this is Paul F. Tompkins. I am. Welcome to the best of 2014 part four Happy New Year edition. Sure. A new hope. Happy New Year, by the way, Paul.

Happy New Year to you, dear. Do you have any resolutions? Or do you have any revolutions? I would say you want one. My resolution is to join the revolution and bring and restore them to their rightful place as Prince's backing band once more. So you've got to gather together Wendy, Lisa, Dr. Z.

That's right. The whole gang. Oh, and the rest. Wendy, Lisa, and Dr. Z. In the scrubs. Why wasn't Dr. Z in the TV show Scrubs? If I could ask Zach Braff one question, it would be that. If I could ask Zach Braff one question,

I'd ask him why Dr. Z never appeared in Scrubs. He's the most famous guy in Scrubs of all time. Are you forgetting Hawkeye Pierce? Yeah, why wasn't Hawkeye part of that as well? They should have gotten everyone who's ever appeared on screen in Scrubs to make a cameo in Scrubs. You have to think that the writers brought that up at least once.

Can't we get every single person who's been on screen in Scrubs from the disorderlies? That's right. But Bill Lawrence, shut it down. To the young doctors in love. Hey, now you're talking my language. Jerry Marshall. Oh, goodbye.

Oh, he's gone. Wow. He just wanted to say that we were talking his language. Yeah. Yeah. You have to think that they talked about it. You have to think that. You have to think that.

So what are... So Happy New Year and all that shit. Do you have any resolutions? You know, I was talking about this on a podcast which will be out in a couple of days. I believe I'll be on... Oh, was it Voldemort's podcast? You can't say the name.

I was just about to say the name. The name. It's totally lame. Is it totally lame? It is totally lame. They're winding down. They're almost done. Yeah, I'm on one of the final eps.

And that'll be out later this week, I believe. Did you get to meet their baby? I've never met their baby. Their baby is very adorable. Yeah. Teddy is her name. She has gigantic cheeks. What did you...

My... What could you possibly have thought I was going to say? I don't know, but it seemed atypical of you. What? Yeah. What? I was taking quite a bit of back. And what I believed you were about to say.

I like the idea that it's atypical of me when I didn't say it. So, so far, I'm still on brand. You are on brand, which is why I was so surprised. But you were just surprised at the thing you thought I was going to say. Yeah, I don't know why you would go into that kind of thing. Luckily, I didn't. Hey, guys. Hope you're listening.

Hey, guys. No, but I was talking about resolution. Resolution. Resolution. Resolution. He's a great writer. I was talking about Aslan. Yeah.

From Narnia? Yeah. And, you know, I would like to be more present in my off hours. I doubt, you know, I tend to work a lot. And when I'm not working, I tend to like to have time to myself. Yet, the time I am not working, I should be spending with my loved ones. Yes, it's true. So I would like to be more present during those times.

Do you know who else worked too much? Who's that? Jesus, the carpenter? Yep. And look what happened. A lot of houses out there. Spent his time doing all that carpentry. Yep.

Then when he finally... He built a community center. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then he finally takes some time to himself to go out and just like give speeches. Yep. And they fucking nailed him to a tree. So what kind of lesson can we learn? Were you there when they crucified my Lord?

Lord. Were you there when they crucified my Lord? Sometimes it causes me to tremble. I don't know this one. You know a surprising amount of it. Well, it has a very similar melody to some other song. So I was able to do harmony for a bit. What is that?

It sounds like another song. And we'll all come out to meet them when they're... Shall we come around the mountain? Yeah, yeah, that's it. You know what? You're right. When I'm coming around the mountain song, I can nail. And did those feet in ancient times walk upon England's pastures green?

Is that a Catholic song? Which one? Were you there when they crucified my Lord? I would say it's probably a Christian song. Because I grew up in the Christian church and I don't believe I ever heard it. I think it's what they classify as an old Negro spiritual. I could be wrong. Okay.

But we did sing it in my church from time to time. Really? Yeah. What did you feel? What is the question it's asking? I felt moved by the Holy Spirit. It's asking people, hey... None of us were there.

Were you there when they crucified Jesus Christ? None of us were. Yeah. That seems like a pointless exercise. I think it's an investigation. It's like a CSI kind of thing. They're trying to find out, shunk, shunk. Look, I got a lot of work to do, this tip.

Hey, look at this guy carrying boxes back and forth from a truck. Were you there when they crucified my Lord? Look, maybe I was. I don't know. A lot of people got crucified that day. If you don't mind, my break is coming. Shout out to John Mulaney. That's right.

God bless him. God bless him. Hopefully he'll be on the show in 2015. Was he on in 2014? I don't believe he was. He was a bit of a busy person. Really? A bit of a busy bee, but I would like to get him back in 2015.

Which speaking of 2015, we are going through the countdown of 2014. That's right. We're looking back. A fun look back as the new year begins. A fun farewell to the previous year. What are you writing on your checks, by the way? Your checks mix. We're sponsored by checks mix.

On my checks mix, I'm writing hands off. This is Paul's checks mix. Still in 2015? Yeah, I write it on the food. Paul and I, this is episode number four of us counting down the top 15 episodes of Comedy Bang Bang for 2014. We've been through a lot of different episodes and emotions. We've been through rage.

Denial. Anger. Acceptance. Bargaining. Bargaining, that's my favorite. Tell you what. Tell you what. Okay.

Don't kill me. How's this sound? You bring my mom back from the dead. We've been going through a lot of episodes and this has been a lot of fun. We've done 15, then we went to 14 and then 13, smash cut to 12. If I'm not much mistaken, we continue to 11. Fade to 10. And then leisurely stroll over to nine.

Flashback to eight. Flash forward. Seven. Seven. And then number six with a bullet. Number five is alive. Number four on the floor. Number three.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me because we haven't done it yet. We're about to do it as a matter of fact. This is how we do it. Science. And we are going to do episodes three, two and one on this episode. Three, two, one. Blast off.

Contact. The season for the reason. Were you there when they crucified Jesus? Oh, if only three, two, one contact. The crucifixion of Jesus every week and the science behind it. Science. They crucified me with science. Can you imagine the scientists behind crucifixion?

You know, we put nails in this guy's hand. Were there people that considered themselves scientists that used that title? I don't know. In ancient Judea. In Bible times. What point was the term scientist coined? When was science itself coined? When was that term?

In the Renaissance perhaps? Oh, the Renaissance. I fancy myself a bit of a Renaissance man. I don't know if I've ever told you that. No, you've seen that movie. Renaissance man? Danny DeVito. Which one?

Danny DeVito. Is that Renaissance man? Okay. No, I'm thinking of Bicentennial man. You like joins the army or something. Oh, right. Paul should be. Paul should.

A new contraction. Oh, I'm so glad we came up with one. Paul should. P-A-U-L-S-H, apostrophe D. That's right. We were talking about new contractions with the both on an episode a couple weeks ago. That's right. And I realized something.

I realized that there is one. Never is kind of a contraction, isn't it? For not ever. And however is also for how and ever. How and ever? Yes. How and ever. Have you ever heard Bob Odenkirk talking about Jeremy Irons?

Yes. Yes, I have. And he has that tape of him saying how and ever. You don't think that's Jeremy Irons being a bit fun? I don't think he was in the mood to be fun. In that particular story. Do you think it was in that story he was aware that he was not being fun at all? And then he's like, this'll light the mood a little bit.

He picks up a little bit. But never is not ever. But they've taken the apostrophe out of it. What's ever? Meaning is that a contraction? Else and ever. Else and ever. Another new contraction.

Else and ever. What's the shortest? Like else and ever. Contraction. It's here. It's here. The shortest contraction? I believe that's the shortest one.

I don't believe that there is a two letter contraction. What about eyes? Eyes going down to the store. That is still three letters, I believe. Eye, apostrophe, S-E. I thought it was just... Oh, I'm! I'm!

I'm! I'm! Eye, apostrophe, I'm! I'm eating dog food! At that point, why bother? I'm. Just say I am. Is it just for song lyrics?

So that they can fit the meter? I think even with I am, you can... I am there when they crucified my lord. I am there when they crucified my lord. She'll be crucified my lord. She'll be crucified my lord. She'll be crucified my lord when she comes. When she comes!

She'll be nailing him. We're about to get into the details. We really were. That's all. But we're not scientists. We're not. Science! All right, Paul.

Paul should move on to the next clip. Let's do it. Episode. Episode. Let's do another Grepisode. Oh, I love these. These are all... By the way, these top 15, I think they all fall into the category of Grepisodes.

Grepisodes. They certainly do. Did we get to the one that you were talking about yet, by the way? No, we haven't. Oh, maybe in this top three, or maybe it missed the countdown entirely. Maybe it did. Maybe it did. Why don't we kick off our countdown?

Why didn't we do it? Why didn't we do it? We should just do contractions for everything. Yeah. Anything that starts with one of the seven... Who, what, where, why, when, and how? Who, what, where, why, when, and how? The reporter questions.

Six. Six. I thought there were seven. No, those are deadly sins. We have six senses and six reporter questions. That's right. And eight crazy knights. All right, let's get into it.

This is... On your countdown, this is number three. Number three. Number three. Number three. It is. This is one that I believe is close to your heart, Paul. This is episode 289, The Exorcism of Cake Boss.

Ah, I'm thrilled that it charted so high. Yes, it did. That was a fun episode. That was a very fun episode. Let me give you a little bit of details magazine. Let me give you a little details magazine. Okay, please do. First of all, I thought details magazine went out of circulation many years ago.

And it never did. Many moons ago. We were walking down by the steward's path. The steward's path? Yeah. Or the steward's path. The steward's... The steward of the sewers.

Ah, boy. Who is that guy? That used to be a very important position in Elizabethan, England. Yep. And now just Killer Croc does it. Yeah. That's where Batman can always find him. That's right.

That's right. Attending to the sewers. Yep. The extra season with Cake Boss, our old friend Cake Boss revisits Comedy Bang Bang. He's not feeling so well. Well, a couple of things happened previous to this episode. Previously on Comedy Bang Bang. Two things happened.

And one needs to be set up because we don't go into it in the clip. Me hitting you? You hitting the ground. Yes. You hit me. I hit the ground. That's right. And then I got up and said, let's record this fucking show.

That's right. No, something happened. Two things happened in the week that we recorded this. Number one. Number one. Number one for number three. Number one was the Star Wars, the keepers of Star Wars. That's right.

Whomever they may be. Yeah. The people who decide, I guess the politicians of the Star Wars universe. Right. The mayor of Star Wars came out with a press conference where he said that anything that was not one of the six Star Wars movies was no longer canonical. Canonical. Canonical.

Everyone laughed at him. Then he said, what? What? Then somebody said, it's canonical. You know, we in these Cake Boss episodes have talked quite a bit about the Star Wars books wherein Chewbacca died. That's right. Because at one point, Cake Boss using his gift to communicate with the dead.

Cake Boss, Buddy Velastro, on previous episodes, go back through the recess. We're going way back. We're going way back. But in one of his first episodes in the first year, I believe, he talked about how he had been bitten by a cake bug and had gained the power of second sight. Yes. And then he was bitten by a cake scarab. That's right.

And he was able to communicate with the dead. Now, those dead people could be either real life dead people. I guess that's a contradiction, but people in the real world who had died. I don't mean the real world TV series. I mean people in our universe. But if any, should any of them die? We all know that RIP, some of them have. But also fictional people, if they died in the actual work of fiction or if we could presume

that they are dead because they could not have lived that long. Huckleberry Finn is the classic example. How could Huckleberry Finn still be alive? So in this appearance, and this is maybe four years ago, four and a half maybe, Cake Boss communicates with Chewbacca because Chewbacca in one of the, at the time, canonical books of the Star Wars universe passed away. He was hit by a car. I believe Timothy Zahn was the author.

I can't recall. You're up on me. In one of those books that was supposedly set in the canonical Star Wars universe, one of the sequels to A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, Chewbacca passed away, so Cake Boss had quite a bit of a conversation. Now, flash forward four years later, the mayor of Star Wars comes out and says those books are no longer canonical. Hubbub, hubbub, flashbulbs, flashbulbs.

People started sending us this fact as in what is Cake Boss going to say about this? We were, both Scott and myself, received many, many tweets from people. Many tweets. Yes. I am lucky enough now to be tweeted anytime anything happens about the bands U2, Fish, Cake, the person Cake Boss, Andrew Lloyd Webber, anyone who has appeared on the show, I receive several tweets about anything that happens in the news regarding these people. Absolutely.

I have a similar condition. So, this happened at the same week, the artist, German artist, no, he's not German, he's Swiss. He's Swiss. Swiss artist H.R. Giger passed away. Now, our good friend, Matt Gorely, who is one of the minds behind the Super Ego podcast, of which you are now a member.

That's right. Also, the host of I Was There Too on the Wolf Pop Network. He's a very funny guy. He had only been on the show a few times at that point. And I believe only when you were there. I don't think I had ever had him on the show myself. I wouldn't allow it otherwise. But I said, let's get these guys together.

Because Matt does an impression of H.R. Giger. And that was one of his most beloved characters. And so, I had the idea of what if Cake Boss were to communicate with me. To communicate with H.R. Giger from the dead. And we could say goodbye to it. Now, H.R.

Giger had not been on the show before. But for some reason, Matt agreed to have his goodbye on this podcast. Now, we spent quite a bit of time talking about the non-canonical nature of Chewbacca. Yes. And the clip we are about to hear, the more we talked about the non-canonical nature of Chewbacca, the more Cake Boss got very distressed. And you are saying that very methodically, by the way. He got distressed and he started to feel ill.

Yes. And we are going to drop in with him now. This is episode number three on your countdown. This is the exorcism of Cake Boss. Number three. You still feel poorly. Before we went to break, you started feeling like the non-canonical nature of Chewbacca's status.

Maybe you're saying that makes me feel, I don't know, I feel like I never felt like this before. It's very strange. You think it's because you just received this news about... I feel like it's got to have something to do with it. Okay. Well, is there anything I can do for you? No. You know what?

I'm going to send a text to a friend of mine. Okay. This is a just in case kind of thing. Okay. I think I'm going to be all right. But... Someone's going to come pick you up. Is that what you're saying?

It's a matter of speaking. Yeah. Don't you worry about it. It's just out of your business. Oh. All right. Well, send your text. In the meantime, I just want to welcome everyone back to the...

What's the good address here? Okay. And shed. Send. Great. Okay. So in any case, I just want to say, hey, everyone, welcome to the show and... Hey, everyone.

Welcome to the show. Welcome back to it. Or welcome to it if you started this podcast in the middle. Welcome to you. Welcome to you. Are you okay? Can I... I'm not good.

I feel like I need to do something here for you. Maybe you could shut up. All right. That would... That would help. Oh, yeah. I feel... You ever get that feeling where it's like you...

You... Like your limbs are not your own. Like they belong to somebody else. Like you're a doll and someone took off your arms and legs and attached different doll parts on you or something? Boy, that's very specific. So you're a doll. Sure.

But you're shelf-aware. Sure. You're sentient. And so somebody has... What's like your R2-D2 cake? Oh, my chocobel. That was a disaster. Yeah.

So you're a doll, somebody plucks off your arms, your legs. They put other doll arms and legs on you. Sure. And then you have the doll. You're like, oh, this feels weird. Sure. I mean, and sometimes it's a good thing like you get like Hulk Hogan doll arms on you. And you can lift, you know, you're in a better weight class.

Yeah. You have the proportionate doll strength to a Hulk Hogan doll. Yes, of course. So sometimes it's a good thing, but most of the time you're a mutant doll that has just different odd parts. Yeah. I guess I feel like that mutant doll. Yeah.

Do you? I'm so sorry. Yeah. Thank you. I accept your apology. So right now you're gesticulating wildly. Yeah. I don't know what that's all about.

Why are you doing that? I'm not trying to do it. Why are you waving at me? I'm not trying to wave at you. It's like somebody else is trying to say hello to you. What do you mean? Why are you waving at me right now? Oh, I don't want to be back.

What? Hello? Hello. Who's my buddy? What are you? Nobody. Nobody. I'm not your pal.

Nobody. How did I get here? Who? My name is HR Giger. HR Giger, the recently deceased artist? Yes, the proudly deceased. I don't want to be. I'm a narco sculptor.

Yes. You're a narco. You're the author of the narco... Necronomicon. Necronomicon. Yes, and I am not meant for this world. I had gone on. I think that's the way I would have wanted it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is insane because you're in Buddy Velastro's body. Oh, am I? Yes. Oh. And yet your voice...

Yeah. You sound exactly like HR Giger. That is who I am, channeling. No doubt brought back to right some wrongs. Oh. Finished business. Okay, so let me explain who you are. Yes.

If you don't know who HR Giger is, you're an artist, a narco artist. Narco sculptor. Narco sculptor. What does that mean? I sculpt the dead. Okay. And if they're not dead, they are what I'm done with them. Okay.

Yeah. So you are, most famously, you created the Alien in the movie series Alien and Alien. The Xenomorph. The Xenomorph, of course. Yes. And you passed away last week, didn't you? Yes. I just did.

And I go to Heavens. There's women's there. Uh-huh. Make me suffering, the women's. They're no segregate, so I go down to Hell. Okay. And they say, to Mr. Devil, you're the devil. Can I work for you?

And he says, let me see your work. I show him my paintings. Necronomicon one through four. One of a lady just getting fucked in half with something that looks like a vacuum hose. Okay, great. And he says, that'll do, pig. And then I'm hired, okay? Okay.

And then I guess here I am. I was so happy. Did the devil have to check with his boss? He went back, I died in Georgia. You had to kick it upstairs? Yeah. I died in Georgia. Bad deal.

Long story. Okay, gosh. Yeah. I didn't know you died in Georgia. I knew you were Swiss. It's just a crazy vacation. Last minute sort of Thelma and Louise thing. But that's how it went down.

So now I think I have to figure out my quest before I can go home. Okay, so wait a minute. You are working for Hell currently? Hell Incorporated. Okay. Yeah, it's a big business down there now. Okay. So when you say you have to finish unfinished business before you go home, where is home?

Hell. Okay, so you want to go to Hell? Absolutely. I've been hired as the art director for Hell because it was like still Dante type stuff down there. It was looking a little dated. I think. And so I put a new spin on it.

Everybody seems much happier or opposite of happy, but the same correlation. Sure. It is successful. No doubt. Yeah. Successful in your work. So what unfinished business do you have before you go return to Hell? I don't know.

I'm trying to figure out probably something to do with my wife, Carmen Maria Schiffeliger, my wife. Your what? Wife. What? Please don't joke because laughter is the enemy of creativity. Oh, that's right. If people don't know you're aesthetic.

Yeah. It's very dark. Your favorite color? It's no color. The absence of color. The absence of color. Black, very close, bruised, cloud, whatever. You're in Buddy Velastro's body currently, the cake boss.

Oh, he's not saying cake boss. Interesting. Cake. Cake. Boss. Oh. Wait, did Buddy just retain his sentience just to say cake boss? He's a bit like a whale or a sea mammal where every so once in a while he has to come up

for a cake boss air. So you're a very dark artist. You passed away in Georgia and I hear it was the result of complications due to like some sort of Chewbacca style car crash. Was that what it was? Yes. That's exactly right. And it is honorable in both work-y species and in narcosculptors to be hit by a car.

Do you regret doing the designs while I have you here, by the way, if I could ask you a few questions? By all means. First, I want to say just two things. Yes. Great to be here. Okay. Thank you.

And also, wouldn't it be great if our rib cages were a second articulating mandible jaw that we could vanquish our foes with? I love your ideas. This is what your art is all about. But do you regret making the designs for the Alien series and not Star Wars? Oh, well. I think Chewbacca would be so much more interesting if you had designed it. Yeah.

All that fur gets in the way. I think better to have someone with a bisected rib tube and lots of darkness, but exoskeletons are the new endoskeletons. Of course. Yeah. Darth Vader is maybe the closest to what you do. So yeah. Yeah.

Wow. How would you do Darth Vader differently? Well, no samurai looking armor because mine would be biomechanical, come natural. If he needs to buy it, among us cannot be Darth Vader. There's chosen few with an exoskeleton. Those are the men we pull on our shoulders of giants. You're on my mind like a song on the radio. Al Stewart, great artist.

You're an Al Stewart fan. Who isn't? Why do you think that you're possessing the body of Buddy Valastro, the cake boss? I think the way it's explained to me by the devil. You didn't say cake boss again, Andrew. Cake boss, women's. Is that it has to be a yin yang matter, anti-matter, where cake boss brings joy into the life of many people.

My goal is to take it away, and if I were to, say, go into Morrissey or Uranumous Bush, the universe would implode cake boss implode. So the theory then is that cake boss is the happiest person who brings the most joy to people in the world. Cake boss. It is not theory, it is a proven fact. These cakes are just amazing, and the smiles and the faces that light up when one sees them, except for the cubs.

They make me happy, which in turn makes me sad, which then that makes me happy, and it is a negative feedback loop. I started doing paintings because for therapy, for I had night terrors, and this is true, and so then I did paintings of my night terrors, which gave me greater night terrors, which gave me greater paintings, and that's how I became all powerful. Why did you keep your paintings right above your bed? I read that you put them on the ceiling as well, so you could stare at them right before you went to bed.

That's true. I painted them there on the wall. I didn't even hang them there. Sort of like a Michelangelo kind of alfresco thing? Yeah, it was the agony, and there was no ecstasy because I would not have it. Now listen. Oh, okay. Yes, master.

I also made my own bed out of the ossified skin leather of a lesser race. Oh my God. Well, I guess you have to lie in it if you made your own bed. Yeah, you do. Listen, we don't have to talk about that. So this is so interesting to me because I had expected to do a show with Buddy Velastro. Who? The kick boss.

Okay, boss. Well, you preempted me a little bit. I didn't, he did. I expected to do the entire show with him, but now I have HR Giger, with whom I've never spoken. I've always wanted to. I've been a big fan of your work. Yeah.

Since I was nine years old and the alien movie came out. Xenomorph. Xenomorph. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Facehugger. Facehugger, of course. Did you see Prometheus?

Yeah, that was shit. I mean, I worked on it at all, but I do not sanction it. Okay, what about? Too many questions. Yeah. Not enough answers. It's like you're supposed to answer questions, not answer a couple and then raise a whole bunch more.

You see, girlfriend, because I am an artist and I should be like all about questions. But even that was bullshit, because I don't think they have the answers themselves. And who are those Statue of Liberty-looking motherfuckers? Yeah, exactly. Did you see Grown-Ups 2? Oh, I own it. I did the production design. You did?

I'm Grown-Ups 2. Yeah, under us. You did just the whole general feeling about it. I production design. The reception about it. I production design, it's general reception. Yes. Okay.

Yeah. And I think it's my finest work. Yeah, I really do. It's so good. Oh, God. So my goodness, well, the world lost a great artist, but you. Oh, yeah. Oh, jeez, I got frightened.

Why? Who's your favorite artist? The painter of light? Norman Rockwell. Oh. And yes, Thomas Kincaid. Oh. And I've got to have a great time with him.

Is he down in hell? Oh, dear. He's running shit down there. Really? Let me tell you. He was a drinker, to be sure. And so we've thrown back some firemeat. Are you drunk?

I mean, a buddy's drunk. Does that make you drunk? Yeah. I'm 50% drunk right now. Oh, my gosh. Wow. I don't normally drink because it brings out the angels in me, and I don't like. Not the demons.

Do you see how I'm an opposite guy? No, I understand your game. Yeah, that's part of my deal. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you're a great artist. The world lost you.

It's such a shame. We just recently lost you, but it's such a pleasure to talk to you. I really want to take the most of this opportunity because we've never spoken before, we've never had you on the show. So I just want to sit down and really bring out your actor's pain in you and just, you know, I mean. Who's that? No camera.

Don't. Who's it? Hello, sir. Oh, I already don't like you. Who's? Yes. Hello there. Hello, sir.

Are you Scott Oxerman? Well, I'm... Did he... Yeah. I'm Scott Oxerman. I got a... I received a text on my mobile phone first as I come down to this place and talk to a Scott Oxerman.

I thought that he was just pronouncing it that way. He actually... He typed it that way? Are you talking about my friend, Mr. Velastro? Yes. He's right next to you here. Cake, bud. Oh, what?

What? Buddy? Are you in there? No. Buddy's gone from this place. Oh, it's happened. He was worried that this would happen someday. Worried?

What would happen? Well, let me tell you who I am. My name is the Reverend Robert Persimmoni and I am an exorcist. Oh. Wait. Like the movie, The Exorcist? What's that? Famous film series...

Like grown-ups? Like grown-ups. You know my work? Wait a minute. Now, you look like my friend, but I feel as if you're being taken over by a strange spirit. Is that true? Buddy Velastro is dead. You will not find him here.

Well, who are you? Speak to me, demon. Hey, HR Gigger, born Hans Rudolf Gigger, but my spiritual moniker is hey, really Gigger. Wait. Are you the Sid and Marty Croft puppet guy? Oh, not HR puff and stuff. Oh, I'm sorry. I could see why you make that mistake.

Oh, well, you understand. Here's the score. I did. We'll do some more. Two famous HRs, huh? Yeah. How many more are there, do you think? Just human resources.

That's it. That's it. Well, that's done and dusted. That's number one with a bullet. So far, this is not so bad. This exorcism. Well, I haven't even started yet. When I'm going to exorcise you, you'll know it.

Don't threaten me. I want to get to lay the land here. I've done over 40 exorcisms in my career. Oh, 40? How many? 41. And all of them went off pretty much without a hitch. Very few resulted in them.

You've seen that movie Hitch, by the way, HR? Oh, sure. Will Smith is one of our great treasures. It also stars one of the stars of grownups, Kevin James. Yeah. Frequent collaborator. And grownups, too. Oh, is there a second one?

Oh, I can't wait to see it. How did you know it was a film series without knowing it? I just assumed that there would be. I was waiting for it to come out. I was a consultant on Maul Blart. Paul Blart. Oh, listen, I didn't write it. Okay.

Are you saying we ordered the pressure that his occupation was Maul Blart? So it was Paul Blart, Maul Blart. Yes. Originally conceived, and it would have been something. Help wanted Maul Blart. God damn studios again. Now, look here. You're not going to distract me, demon.

I want to find out all about you. What was your name, by the way, sir? Reverend. Reverend Robert Parsimony. Robert Parsimony. Welcome to the show. Oh, well, thank you very much. We've never spoken before.

My name is Scott Ackerman. Scott Ackerman. Ackerman. Ackerman. But you know how Buddy speaks. Yes, I do. I assumed that he, that was just his dialect. He's from New Jersey.

I'm curious. Where are you from? Dialect. Oh, I'm from the Middle West. And how did you guys get to know each other? Well, I have a, I moved my parish. I have a parish out here. Parish the thought.

I'm a bicoastal man of the cloth, and I have a parish here and a parish in New Jersey, and then I also have a parish in Iowa. I'm still here. Now, what has caused you, demon, to take over the form of my friend? I have had to do unfinished business on the earthly realm. What does this business spirit speak to it? Something to do with women's affore. I am a fear of them.

They make me have a qualm. My heart turns into a squall. Now, how do you expect to take over my friend's body? Who's a married man, by the way? Oh. Well, how do you expect to... Don't go off and try to, like, have sex with any other women because... I really should be getting home to New Jersey.

Wait a minute. No, I forbid you to take my friend's body back to New Jersey. You will remain here, and then I will cast you out, and I will condemn you to a lake of fire. Is there any way to make sure that he doesn't leave the room? Maybe a circle of some sort. Let me just get the door. Oh, okay. Yeah, just lock it.

There we go. I'm a little confused. Why did Buddy think this was going to happen? How did he know what was happening to him? Well, he knew when he was cursed by Satan himself with these supernatural powers that are against God. By the way, make no mistake. They're against God. The only person who could see the future is God, and he's not telling anybody.

He's keeping it to himself. So, wait. Is the devil went down to Georgia? Is that the future? Yes, that's correct. Since God is narrating that song. Yes. It's said in the future.

Eventually, when God dies and the devil has a new boss. Right. Okay. So, he knew that he was cursed by Satan, and so he thought he would be taken. Well, he doesn't see it that way. I certainly see it that way. Okay. These powers are unearthly and unnatural and the uncola.

And I feel that there's a colonut. Crisp and clean. No caffeine. They never had it and never willed. He feels that these powers are also a gift, but I feel that there's nothing but a curse, curse from hell itself. So, he thinks his powers are a gift, and yet he thought that he would have his body taken over by Satan.

He thought there was a possibility if things ever became non-canonical in any way. He's very concerned with canon. Okay. Now, we're getting to it. So, he sent that text to you, and you're here to protect it. He said, let me read his text here. And I'm feeling queasy, Q-U-E-E-C-Y. You were able to interpret that as queasy, though.

Come to ear, Woolge. He was typing very fast. I think that's just his dialects coming through his thumbs. I'm on a podcast. How do you spell that? P-O-D-C-A-S-H-T. Great. Contact there.

Scott Oxerman. A-U-X-E-R-M-I-N. Okay. That's a Z. A lot of people spell that as O-X-E-R-M-A-N. So, that's the official canonical spelling of it. How do you spell it? I never knew.

I just had heard it pronounced, but any time people talk about it on Twitter, that's the pronoun. What is your name? How do you spell it? A-U-K-E-R-M-A-N. Well, where's the X? That's the point, yeah. In any case, so he asked you to come to...

To protect him. He knew. Shut up, son. He knew that there would be a time when this might happen and he might need my exorcism services. Well, this is exciting. Are we going to see? Am I going to see and then the listener is going to hear a live exorcism on the show?

You will see it. The listeners will hear it if you keep recording. I will also hear it, I would imagine. You will hear it as well as see it. The listener will not see. They will only hear. I would imagine I would also feel the vibrations of the sound and any kind of loud noises and stuff.

Should we get into all the senses? You will smell whatever is occurring in the room at the time. Is it going to smell bad? No. Or poorly? That was a close one. Okay. Guys, let's get to this exciting exorcism because I've been hearing about this for

what seems like a half hour. Are those clanking chains? No. Are those your keys? I thought it was some sort of like Jacob Marley Feddard situation. Just get my keys out of the way. Why would I have clanking chains for an exorcism? I don't know.

All right, here we go. How do you need any assistance from me? Yes, I'd like you to shut up. Spirit, you are trespassing upon this soul. I abjure thee. Vacate this vessel and banish ye back to hell from whence he came. By the power of God, the Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost, all his saints and apostles, the ground team out there, people on the streets.

Of course, Rob, Janie, what's that guy's name? Oh, I always forget his name. Victor, everybody in the whole organization, I banished you to hell. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. Come on, get out there. Be a sport.

Get out of there. You claim to my ultimate plan. Which is? I'm getting me back to hell. I don't want to be here. It's a type of hell as it is, and I gladly go back. All I needed was permission from an official. Well, have a nice trip and see you next fall of man.

Okay, before I go, let's be friends and shake hands. Oh, sure, okay. Come with me. Oh, no, I'm getting out of here. See ya later, Scott Oximencia. The Reverend was... You and your relationship... Oh, Scott Oximencia.

What do you mean by back? What happened? Exactly what you thought was happening. Your body was taken over by a spirit. Did I get possessed? You got possessed, but... No, I knew it was going to happen someday. Thankfully, you texted your friend.

You were a lot like Texter. Oh, yeah. Oh, Texter, I loved that show. Yeah. You were possessed, but your friend came by. The Reverend Persimmonie? The Reverend Persimmonie came in. Where is he?

I thought he was going to come in. He exercised the demon, but then it was the strangest thing. He was sucked into your mouth. What? He was sucked into your mouth and went down to hell with HR Giger. Oh, you shaked the hell of shit by belly. I don't know. Huga?

Is that just something that you're saying with your dialect that I don't understand? No, I don't know who you're talking about. Oh, I thought HR Huga was something that you were trying to say. Um, it's a long story anyway. I'm glad you're that. Yeah, okay. You know what? I'm not that curious about it.

You know, the listeners heard it. Just go back and listen to the show. Ugh. Ugh, like I would ever do that. Number three. There we go. There we go, indeed. There we go.

Fun ep. That was a lot of fun. That was a masterpiece ep, in my opinion. And due to the work of you and Matt, from front to back, I thought that was a lot of fun. We only played about 20 minutes of that, but it's about an hour and 20 long. And there's a lot of great stuff before and after that. It's a very fun ep. Multiple characters.

Mm-hmm. And it was the, for me, it was the debut of the Reverend Robert Parsimony on this program. Mm-hmm. Another new character that you did. Another new character, yeah. And he has not been back since. No, I thought he turned up again on the Super Ego episode. Oh, right, right, right.

Tight ends and loose beginnings? Something like that? Yes, that's right. That's right. We did an episode after that, Tight Ends and Loose Beginnings, with the rest of the Super Ego crew, and Reverend Parsimony returned. That's right. And I hope he returns in 2015.

He's a fascinating guy. Well, we'll see. Knock wood three times on the ceiling if you want. Reverend Robert Parsimony to return. Yeah. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we'll have number two. We're really getting up there.

Oh, I can't believe this. Comedy bang bang, we're back. Yeah, we're back. Get used to it. Guess who's back? Back again. Comedy bang bang. Is that your favorite song?

Would you say that Eminem song? Yeah, absolutely I would. Why do you ask? I know you're a lover of Eminem. What a weird question. It is definitely my favorite song. You're a huge fan of... Do you know what?

I could take or leave all the rest of his work, but that is my favorite song of all time. Guess who's back? Back again. Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back?

Guess who's back? You're old, oh, you're old enemy, Eminem. From back at the MTV's. I talked about him. Oh, Billy. Oh, it's fun when you squirm. Thank you. You're really...

12 Guests of Christmas, that was a fun episode on Doug Loves Movies. Doug Loves Movies, the recent... Do you listen to it? Yeah. People try to make me squirm. Weird wild stuff. This is wild. I still can't do Carson.

God damn it. My goodness, this is wild. That was, of course, Johnny Carson's review of the new Reese Witherspoon movie. Did that continue? Did your Carson... The Carson impression continue in the latest season of Comedy Bang Bang, the TV show. Because you were telling me that you were doing it. People were getting you to do it.

They couldn't get enough of it. They seemed to enjoy it every time. Gosh, I don't remember that. Well, the director, there's a couple things. The director, Ben Berman, who, by the way, moved on from the show. He has about 10 episodes left to go. He constantly wanted me to do Woody Allen, first of all. He would constantly say, hey, do a Woody Allen take.

Then he would always use those in the cut. You know what? They're funny. But I don't remember the Johnny Carson stuff. Maybe that was season two, and I've long forgotten it because of how many I've done since then. Maybe so. Maybe so. That is weird.

He's fun to do. Although, I think, was Dana Carvey maybe the first one to really do... I mean, I know Rich Little did it, but does Dana... Dana Carvey took it to the stratosphere. He kind of does the one that we all do. Yeah, he does. Weird, wild stuff. Weird, wild stuff.

Absolutely. I love Dana Carvey. I would love to work with him. We've tried to get him on the TV show several times. Dana, if you're listening... He won't come from Marin County? No. He moved here, didn't he?

I believe so. The timing has not worked out yet. Right. He has wanted to do it, apparently, but I would love to meet him. Can I ask you this? Yeah. What the fuck else is he doing? Are you fucking kidding me?

Hey, who is this character? Are you fucking kidding me? I am fucking furious right now. Hey, Paul. Let you listen to me, Dana Carvey. Get down off your fucking high horse. He has a family. He has a family.

I'll punch you in your broken heart. Shoot this engagement's to do. Paul, come on. This guy's rich as creases, and he's still going out there on the road. Still can't get enough money. Weird character. It sounds like this guy. It's terrible.

Carvey's a national treasure. He is, of course he is. Come on this podcast, too, Dana. I don't mean to presume to call you Dana. Mr. Carvey, I would call you. How long do you think he's had that same haircut? A long time, right? Really long time.

Really long time. Really long time. Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. Did we go to a break, or have we? Yeah, we've come back from it. Are we dead? Hey, speaking of which, let's get to... On your countdown, this is number two.

Number two. All right, this is number two. This is episode 274. This is an episode entitled, Oh Golly. Oh boy. Wow, wow, wowy, wow, wow. Wow, wow. Yeah.

Yes. Wowy woo, wow, whoa, whoa. This is Oh Golly. This is... This is a very special episode. This is a very special episode. Let me give you a little bit of background regarding this. Jason Mantukas, whom you will hear on this episode.

He is... You've heard him on the countdown previous to this. He was doing gutter balls, Eric gutter balls. That's right. Now it can be told. And he's a great friend, great friend of the show, and we have a lot of fun when we do the episodes, and we got into a bit of a rhythm with him

where he wanted to do it with Andy Daly a lot, and we did quite a few episodes together, including one of my favorites of all time, number 200, which was with Chip Gardner, Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, who wanted to become the mayor of Hollywood, and we just naturally, through us talking, Jason and I pushed Andy into this convoluted mythology of where Chip...

You really did. You really did push him into it. He did not expect to do that, but we came up with a storyline where Jason and I were child actors on a television show called Zap that Chip Gardner hosted, and I believe 31 other children, there were 33 of us, all banded together to form a Voltron-like vessel for Satan to return.

Okay, that sounds complicated, but it's a really fun episode and one that we just kind of lucked into. After that, we tried to... Jason always likes forcing Andy into situations in which he is uncomfortable and unprepared to... This is called in the trade, this is called pimping. This is where you, in improv, you really verbally push someone into a corner

and make them go down a road, because you have to yes and. You make them go down a road. You make them go down a road, which they are unprepared to go down, and you don't know whether they'll be able to get out of it. Since episode 200, we did another one with Andy where Jason said to me before the episode was recorded, hey, at a certain point, let's force Andy to be himself. Let's make him drop character and ask,

because if you haven't heard the show before, every time Andy is on the show, I was pimping him to commit suicide with every one of his characters. Because a lot of his characters do have suicidal tendencies. It became a running joke where one of the first ones he ever did on the show was suicidal, and then the next one that he did, we somehow got into suicide as well.

It became a running joke where every single time Andy was on, I would casually bring up suicide and Andy would admit, Andy in this character would admit that he was suicidal. In this episode that I'm talking about, Jason said, hey, let's try to get Andy to break character and ask why every single one of his characters is suicidal. But he said this, Andy was not here for this part of the conversation. Andy was not there for this part of the conversation.

It was a surprise to Andy. So when did Jason ask you this? Before Andy got there? Before Andy got there. It was actually a couple of weeks before he said, hey, let's do another one. A couple of weeks before? He said, let's do another one with Andy and pull this surprise on him.

And if you listen to that episode, which I forget what number it was or who was the guest, but just look for Jason and Andy. In that one, Andy turned it around and had all of his characters come in and all do a cavalcade of suicides. They all jumped out the window. So that was a lot of fun. So we were going to do another episode,

and this was episode 274, and this was just going to be a regular episode. And let me give you a little bit of background of what happened before this clip. In this episode, Andy is playing Gil, a ventriloquist, and Golly, his ventriloquist dummy. And that was all Andy came in with.

And he said, hey, I just am going to play this ventriloquist and his ventriloquist dummy, and the dummy is going to be a little bit weird and you're going to find out he's weird. We said, okay, great. We talked to him for a bit. His catchphrase is, oh, Golly. Oh, Golly.

And we find out that Golly is actually just a cardboard box. He's not a ventriloquist dummy. He's a cardboard box. And that Gil is basically a schizophrenic who hears Satan's voice, and he's saying it himself, but he's basically saying, he's listening to Satan communicate to him,

and he's saying through the guise of this ventriloquist dummy what Satan is saying to him. He supposedly met Golly on a boat in international waters during a murder club as well. Of course. Those are things that you need to know before this clip. Now, we did not know we were going to get into this, but sometimes when Jason and Andy and I get together,

it becomes this weird thing. So this was episode 274. This is number two on your countdown, and you will hear exactly what happens with the rest of this episode. This is Oh Golly number two. Number two. So now Gil and Golly is our,

by the way, we're here with Jason Manzocas, and Gil and Golly is our special guest here on the show today, and are our special guests. A ventriloquist act from the streets of Los Angeles. Literally from the streets of Los Angeles, and you've always wanted to be in show, or you always have been in show business? I've always been in show business.

Ever since the day of that murder club? Yeah, that's right. Ever since I ended up back on shore, me and Golly, and I said goodbye to him because he was a fish. I said goodbye, though, Golly. I wonder if you'll ever return to me in another form. You said that, so you had some awareness of it.

Well, no, I didn't expect it. I just wondered. Just wondered, will you ever return to me in another form? Is there anything that you've ever wondered that has come true? Like, I wonder if the people in this murder club are going to make it out of here alive? I did wonder about that.

Yeah. I'm wondering, me personally, I'm wondering if you're wondering is actually you're taking the pains to make these kind of things happen. You're blinking a lot. You're blinking like an amount of times that I'm finding unnerving. I've always been a blinker.

I mean, the amount of blinking and licking your lips you're doing is kind of freaking me out. Well, who knows what that's about? Okay, you know. And yet you've done nothing to address your runny nose. Yeah, I mean, the blinking you're obviously taking care of. There's no point.

The dryness of your eyes. There's no point? There's no point dealing with a runny nose that just keeps running, doesn't it? I wonder. No, I wonder, okay. I've got a pocket full of worms. Okay.

Is this a setup for a joke? Does Golly do the rest of this? Golly, I've got a pocket full of worms. Yes, you have! Okay, so you really do just have a pocket full of worms, don't you? Yep. I'm fascinated by...

Now I'm looking, and there is a pocket that is writhing. Yeah. Not all of them are alive, but some of them are. Some of them are, yeah. I don't know about that. I'm wondering about this murder club. Oh, and we were going to let Gil do some of his acts, too.

Yeah, we will. It seems like too much of a coincidence that the unwitting dupe who was invited to be murdered out there in international waters would also rise up and kill everyone else. I mean, it just seems almost as if...

Oh, wait, I'm a little confused. Yeah, go ahead, sorry. I didn't kill everyone, no, no, no. Yeah, that's what I didn't think Gil did. Golly, I mean, your friend Golly, though, took care of everyone. No, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. I didn't meet Golly until after that,

wasn't that right? I was on the boat, Gil. Wait a minute, what are you talking about? I was in the murder club, Gil. Stop it. This is remarkable what I'm learning here. That's right. So you were part of the murder club?

No, absolutely not. No, and what are you talking about, Golly? Oh, golly. I put the murder club together. It was a deal with the ship captain. Let's look at it. The ship captain. Let's look at some people out here and kill them.

Oh, golly. So this was not a murder club as much as it was you bringing a bunch of people out on a boat, or Golly, sorry. The only two members were me and the captain and he died too. Oh, golly. So let me just say,

at the beginning, Golly and the captain brought how many people aboard the ship to be murdered? Well, personally, I don't remember how many people were on there with me. I thought that I was duped into it, wasn't I, Golly? Yeah, you were duped into it.

God, how many people were out there? How many other people? I'm very confused right now. Yeah, you should be. There was 33 people out there on that boat. 33 people. Is that because that's the year that Jesus Christ was murdered? That's right.

It was all part of a plan to bring Satan back. Wow. This is all news to me. Holy cow, so this was some sort of satanic ritual? What's going on? Yeah, we were going to condrescent out in the water. Remarkable.

Jason, do you remember something? There was some sort of satanic ritual that you and I were involved in. Is that right? I don't think so. I mean, we were on that kid's show together. We were on that kid's show together, but I don't remember any of the details about that anymore. It's like I forget the details of being on that kid's show almost every six months.

We did interview someone. I will say this. We were doing it. We were interviewing someone together side by side. Gil, I have a question for you. All right, all right. I'm happy to answer this. I think I know what you're talking about.

Gil, do you remember the ship captain's name? By any chance. Well, how would I remember the ship guy? I barely even met him. His name was Chip Gardner. What? Chip Gardner. That's ringing a bell for me.

Of course it is. We interviewed him. Wait, you and me side by side? You and me, we were sitting across from each other in the other studio actually. Oh, I thought we were side, but why do I think we were side by side? No, no, side by side. Sorry. Chip Gardner is the guy who was run over

by a jeep. He wanted to be the mayor of Hollywood. That's ringing something. It's very foggy. I was wondering if he wasn't this ship's captain, because he also was a devout Satanist. Oh, that's ringing something. And I believe might have been a side by side.

I can't help you with that. That's why I'm thinking of side by side. I am just bewildered. The plan was to slaughter 33 people by cutting out their hearts and then to kill Captain Chip Gardner so that Satan

could take over his soul. And it worked beautifully. My goodness. It worked. Golly, what are you telling me here? So you're saying at a certain point on this boat, it is 34 dead bodies and you.

All I remember is jumping overboard at the urging of a fish. Because it seems to me like for this plan to be put into action, the final step is to kill Chip Gardner, but we've seen Chip Gardner. It does sound that way.

It seems to me like maybe the plan didn't work. Unless Chip Gardner is Satan on Earth and we just didn't get that. Oh, okay. We are finally figuring it out. That's precisely what happened on that boat. Wait, then who are you?

Well, that's Golly. Yeah, Golly, who are you? You know all the answers, Golly, so why don't you just explain who you are so far? I'm just a cardboard box. Oh, okay.

I guess that does make sense. Hey, Gil. Are you at all nervous that Golly's here? I'm very afraid of Golly. What are you afraid of? Golly is the source of all evil in the world. What? Golly is?

Is he higher than Satan? What are you talking about, Gil? Oh, Golly. Gil, what are you talking about? I know you didn't give me ears, but I don't need them to hear. Oh, my gosh. Oh, Golly.

Gil, what if we put the box outside? Would that make you more comfortable? Maybe we can just put Golly outside. Let me just put the... You're going to do a Jason? Okay. Don't put me outside. I'm just going to put the... Golly, get out!

Wow, okay. My goodness. How do you feel now? Gil, you can speak freely now if you like. I'm a little bit better. Yes, I have reason to believe that Golly is Satan's commander. I'm the glass of water now. Whoa!

Whoa! That was freaky. Just drink the glass of water. Drink it. Really quickly. Okay, good. Golly's gone. Wait, no. Now Golly's inside of you. Don't even think about that. It may take him a little while to assume another form,

but he will soon enough. So anything we want to say without him here would better get to... How did you leave things with Chip Gardner? Well, Chip... How did we leave it with Chip Gardner? I don't really remember. To be honest with you.

No, well, we were interviewing him. Side by side, yeah. We realized that... You and I were side by side, weren't we? In the other studio? That's what I remember. I honestly don't remember a lot of it, but I remember some...

No, we're not side by sides. Does that even mean all I remember is... Oh, I mean two sets of genitalia next to each other. Oh, no, we're not that. Then why am I thinking side by side? Because now that I remember, I'm picturing it, we were across from each other. Okay, we were across from each other,

but I think you're just remembering the phrase side by side. But what I think... Yes. That we had been on Chip Gardner's TV show. Oh, wait, that TV show that you and I were on? Okay, hang on. Scott? Scott, Scott, Scott, hang on.

What? What? Do you remember when we were on that show we went out on Chip Gardner's boat? Wait, the Chip Gardner, the guy who was in charge of that show? Chip Gardner who was in charge of that show. He had a boat? He was a high priest of Satan.

What we're led to believe now is that he was in cahoots with Gil here. If Golly chose you to go out on a boat with Chip Gardner, I'm worth it. Wait, you mean the other 31 cast members? That's exactly it. We were on a boat.

I don't remember any of this. I just have a seasick feeling. Scott, I have a horrible feeling. I think I know... Oh, God, I feel like I'm about to throw up from the seasickness right now. I think that we might be dead. What?

Dead? Scott, I think that maybe perhaps... Let me just put this out there. Maybe perhaps we went on that boat Golly slash Gil and Chip Gardner murdered us

in an effort to bring about Satan's reign on Earth and then that has come to pass and we now just exist on Earth with a Satan ruling. I mean, look outside. It's the middle of the day and it is pitch black. You're finally figuring it out.

This is freaking me out, man. You guys are dead. I am Satan's high commander and you guys are dead and you are in another world between heaven and hell because there is a great battle commencing between good and evil.

It is not determined yet where the dead will go to heaven or to hell. Wait, it's almost as if heaven and hell are closed? Heaven and hell are currently temporarily closed Temporarily? While the battle determines where

the souls of the departed will go from here forward. So I understand now. I'm starting to piece it together. So you've got, and bizarrely, Scott, we are connected to a lot of these people. We're a chain in this. We're a link in the chain.

I think so. I think it is our souls allowed for Satan to arrive on earth in the form of Chip Gardner, Cactus Tony. Where does Don D'Amillo fit into all this? Don D'Amillo is my supreme commander. What? What? No. Holy cow.

Wait, you're Satan's supreme commander. And Don D'Amillo is your supreme commander? Yes. This is rich. He is the admitter of all evil unknown universes and perpetuity. Is that why he can't commit suicide? I guess so.

Oh, okay. I feel like, oh my god. Okay, so there's Cactus Tony. There's John D'Amillo. The forces of evil are amassing. Scott, what we need are heroes. We need heroes. We need people. We need strong strong strapping people.

People who exercise their bodies to the point where their muscles are pure and good. Like trainers? We need trainers. You know who else we need? We need some like a man to ride off of the range. Like a horseman?

Like a horseman who's been out in the leathery skin out in the sun. But you also have to have a wonderful way with words. Where would you find someone? Where would we? Like a horseman with the apocalypse almost. Apparently it is the apocalypse. We need a horse. We need...

We can't let golly win this war for our souls. Point in what you're talking about. And we're talking about putting together a personal trainer and a hero of the west to take on the forces of evil. Maybe a singer. Maybe a singer or a wannabe singer.

Somebody who's who has such a positive point of view on the world. This sounds like a difficult team to defeat but I have a secret weapon. You have a secret weapon golly? Police golly you're being held back by your

physical form at this point. Yes that is correct I have outlasted the usefulness of this body. What does that mean? That doesn't sound good at all. Why are you standing up? The time has come. What is happening?

Golly! Get away from me! Oh my god! Okay. That's what just happened was Gil slash golly jumped out the window. Which we have never seen before. We've never seen anything like that.

I can't remember ever seeing somebody jump out the airwaves. I don't think I'll ever see it again. But interestingly his Gil's body split into nothing. Yeah it just went into dust.

And a winged demon flew off into the darkness because even though it is 2 o'clock in the afternoon it is pitch black. With like red skies? Yes with like lava. It looks like lava is dripping from the sky. And he grew like leathery skinning.

He like jutted out of his body with like sharp spikes in the air. And then I don't know if you caught this Scott. I may have. But he said as he was flying of into the distance. Hail Dundamillo. I did miss that.

I didn't but I didn't know if the mics caught it so I wanted to say it. And I'll be honest with you that filled me that made my blood run cold. Because the idea that somewhere out there Dundamillo is running we need to amass a team of heroes. We need to amass a team because this is bad for

a battle is coming for the for the souls of humanity. It's being waged right now look at these skies. I know this is terrible. Wait do you hear that outside? I hear like a clingy clingy outside. Yep. I hear the sound of someone walking or the sound of keys on a wood table.

Yeah I'm not sure what but it sounds like spurs of it. Command. Did I just call the booking agent? Gentlemen, it's me. Dalton Wilcox poet laureate of the west. Thank God. That's right. I want you to know that my book

you must buy your wife at least as much jewelry as you buy your horse and other poems and observations humorous and otherwise from a life on the range is now available for the Kindle. Okay. All right. But secondarily, Dalton, yeah. Secondarily, it sounds as though the time

has come for the great battle between good and evil. What? I mean it's clearly the time is nigh. The evil triumvirate of Don DeMello and Satan in the form of Chip Gardner. So you know all this? Golly, oh yes. Bill Carter and I have known about this

for a long time. You have? Because we were going to catch you up on everything. You've been fighting vampires this whole time like almost like demons on earth. So is that why you're so experienced at this? That's right. Bill and I have been training. He's been training you? He's not

a physical trainer. Holy shit. Holy shit. He's been training stars for the battle to come between good and evil. What can we do? How can we help? What can two dead people do

to help you? This space that you are in right now is a conduit, a meeting place for the forces of good and the forces of evil. And if you can convene here in this place all the forces of good we can put our army together and rise up. Let me ask

you this. Yeah. We've got you. Yeah. We've got Bill Carter. Bill Carter. We probably have hot dog. Do we have hot dog? I hope hot dog is part of this battle. I don't. Is hot dog, I mean, is hot dog

have value? I'm not entirely sure what an asset hot dog would be. Well, doesn't he have such a beautiful singing voice that the demons of hell would cry at the very... Oh, I know who we need. What's that? We need that guy who's a comedian for kids parties. Which one is that?

I'm not remembering him. A comedian for kids parties? He has a comedy act, but it's completely inappropriate for children's parties. I don't really remember. I did elderly gentlemen. Oh, I don't recall. Oh, my God. Okay, forget it.

Forget it. Not him. Not him. Well, I really thought everybody was going to get on board for that one. Nope. I don't remember him. Let me tell you this. Let me solemnly swear to you. Yeah. Jason and I will band these people together and we will fight this

battle alongside of you. We know no limits. We are here. I will die again for this to come. I will be the agent Colson to your Avengers. I will happily lay down my life.

I do not fear death as I have already died once. And from this moment on, we shall wage this war with you. What do you say? I'll get to work on a poem. Oh, maybe that's not necessary. But we will wage

this war. Do we need a battle cry? Yes. You must buy your wife at least as much jewelry as you buy your horse. And other poems and observations. Humorous and otherwise.

Our battle cry cannot be a promotional a promotional plug for your book. Why not? Especially on the Kindle? I'll say it. These are the end times. This is the end times. It's all show available

on the nook. Wait. Somebody's at the door. Oh my god. Is it good or is it evil? Who is that? Oh my god, it's... To be continued. Number two. To be continued. TBC. We have never done that before

on the show. I remember how strange that was when I was listening to it. Yes, we basically got into a position where we knew we were at the end of the show. We didn't know how to end it. And so we

had something very dramatic end and then we all screamed and then we looked at each other and said I think that's it. Maybe this is a cliffhanger? And we didn't quite know how to end that particular episode. So that was episode 274

and that was the end. And people expected on episode 275 that we were then going to do the second part. We did not do that. Because we did not know what to do. So that was number two on the countdown. That was

a great tour de force of Andy Daly of course. Was it in this episode or was it in the sequel to this episode where he kept saying he didn't want Ogali to be the name of the episode? That's the sequel. Oh because Ogali, you devil.

So there is a sequel to that episode but we don't need to talk about that. When we come back because no one liked it when we come back we'll have number one on the countdown after this. Comedy bang bang, we're back. Oh yeah.

We're at that. Oh yeah. Oh my god. An anthropomorphic picture. Not a picture. A picture. Why wouldn't he shatter when he tried to break through the brick wall? I would think that the wall would be stronger than this picture. Is it that his arms

he's leading with his arms and his arms are so powerful. Maybe his arms are made of diamond. Got armed like a diamond. Got armed like a diamond. And you know diamonds can cut brick. They are the sharpest thing known to man.

Where are we talking about? Oh yeah. I hate Kool-Aid. We'll talk about him for a little bit more. We're back here. It's that magic moment. That magic moment when we're at number one in the countdown.

Terrible. Now we're singing just to do it. Yeah we are. Right? But I enjoy singing. I enjoy singing too, Scott. You know, Jimmy Pardo and I have talked about an all singing episode of Never Not Funny. We have never done it before.

What would that be? I think it would be one of us just like... Chicago songs? Yeah, probably. And that one Manny Patinkin song that he sings. Which one is that? Coffee and a cardboard cup. Coffee. I think she said coffee.

I know she said coffee. And a cardboard cup. What is that? Are you doing a little song from Home Land? No, he does that in that song in the recorded version. Why? He goes back and forth from all these different characters. He's like a fry cook at this place.

And when he's going, coffee! That is a woman, I believe, a waitress who works at the place. Oh, I see. So he's going back and forth from these two voices. Because that's what people wanted out of a Manny Patinkin song at the time was him much like in Follies. If you've heard his buddy's blues from Follies.

Sure I have. I guess she really loves me. Shalliver! She says... Shalliver. Shalliver twist. Shalliver twist. Shalliver. Do you like Oliver Twist, but you think that, you know,

he's not shallow enough? That's a lot of shalliver twist. Shalliver twist. More gruel, kind sir. And what about a little bit of Gucci? Oh, my God. I am so glad. I am glad for the listening audience

so they couldn't see the gesture that you made when you said a little Gucci. A little Gucci. A little Gucci. Hey, a little Gucci. A little night Gucci. Well... Welp. This is it, man. This is it. Before the break

we heard number two. We heard O'Golly, which was a cliffhanger. And you know what? That's the end of that. You'll have to go investigate the resolution of that. And you should. On some other episode of this podcast because we have to get to

number one on our countdown. Number one. That's right. Number one. What do you think this might be? Well, the best episode. Hold up. Are you saying there's a surprise episode and the worst episode has been voted number one?

I'm doing My Nate Dog, R.I.P. impression from the next episode is that famous song. Wait a minute. You know that... I don't know what you're talking about. You know that Eminem song really well, but I don't know this episode.

No. My favorite song... Hold up. Yeah. Guess who's back again. I can listen to that forever and ever and ever. I lose interest after that. You really ought to get into more gangsta

rap, especially the West Coast variety if you like that so much. Bee. Bee ball. Baldroid. Baldroid. What about Mace Windu? Oh, that's true. And I guess was Grandma Tarkin?

Was he bald? Grandma Tarkin had a wig. The grey wig. With the knitting needle stuck in there. I guess C-3PO is bald. For that matter, R2-D2. As well as Baldroid. Alright, let's get to number one.

Everyone's wondering what could it be? What could it be? Well, guess what? It's episode 300. Oh, golly, you devil. Oh! The conclusion of the cliffhanger! So you don't have to investigate what

the cliffhanger might be. You got me. I had no prior knowledge of what any of the episodes were. And you never will. So even if I listen to these best of episodes... You will never... You will never put the pieces together.

What? Why? Dumbrain. Baldroid and Dumbrain. They're a new C-3PO and R2-D2. Dumbrain. I say Dumbrain. Wait, so that's Baldroid? The one we saw in the trailer has the English accent?

Where's my toupee? Baldroid just looks like a person. If Baldroid doesn't talk like that now in the new Star Wars, I'm going to be really disappointed. Do you think that Baldroid... He's a beat-boop robot, right? I imagine he would be. Yeah.

If he's not called Baldroid, he doesn't talk like that. JJ, you have made a mistake. Come on, DJ Abrams! My improv mate. That's right, your old scene partner. You don't know what I'm talking about. Ben Schwartz

had me on his show Snow Pants where he has non-improvisors improvised with improvisers. We talk about it a lot on the solo-bolo and it was me and JJ Abrams. And guess who was great at improv? JJ Abrams.

Great at everything. That... Baldroid, I say. There is a guy named Frank Pulaski who is the third? Yeah, I believe so. Who puts together...

He does these really wonderful videos. Videoizations, he calls them. Of this very podcast, a lot of times, the freestyle rap. He put together a supercut of Amy Poehler's raps, I believe. And he does... What other ones does he...

Oh, he did the... Yes, the one you were about to talk about. He has done on numerous occasions. He has taken audio of us and put that over video. Of Star Wars. Yes, and I have... In various other things.

And I have on my YouTube channel, Paul F. Tompkins, go to my YouTube channel, I have a playlist that's called The Cantina, and it's every one that he has done. Oh, I got to see that. I didn't know you had a YouTube channel. I gotta get one of those. I look forward to your text on how much you enjoy it.

I'll text him. He's the one who made it. I collected them all into a playlist. Don't I get credit for that? I'm Baldroid. I gotta roll on out of here. What if he sounds like that? Hey, I'm Baldroid.

I'm Baldroid over here. Do you think there will be anything weirdly cute like Jar Jar in these Star Wars things? I can't imagine there would be. They have to be going really far on the other. There will be some comedy, though.

They'll go far the other way and something that's just disgusting. Like a thing you don't want to look at. Just a thing that's got pustules and weeping sores and constantly mucus is coming out of its nostrils. Jabba the Hutt's mom will be there with her open legs.

And Jabba will be coming out of her mouth. We'll see his birth. We'll see his birth, even though it's in the future. Well, it'll be video. Yeah, they're gonna look at it. They're gonna gather around. The birth on Chewbacca. Yeah, you gotta see this.

Hey Chewie, get over here. Do you think that the actors will reprise their performances from the original Star Wars movies? Because they've changed their personalities a lot. Yeah. Carrie Fisher is now sort of a little more sardonic than she was back then.

That's right. And Han is more of a grump. Yeah. I guess he was grumpy in the Star Wars movies. He was young enough that it didn't seem grumpy. Yeah. He seemed like a cool dude. Is that what it is? Han Solo's performance hasn't changed.

He's just aged to where now he just looks like a grumpy old man. Yeah, that's exactly right. Well, I look forward to that 45-minute scene where they watch Jabba the Hutt's birth video. 45 minutes! It's pretty easy as labors go. That's not so bad.

Do you think it was natural? No, I think it was a C-section. You have to. You know those huts? They're a lot like Boston Terriers. They cannot be born without a C-section. Is that true? That is true, my friend. Why can't Boston Terriers be born natural? Something to do with their...

the proportions of their body. It's an unfortunate part of the Boston Ter... It's not that they're, like, biting on the way out. No. Oh, God. But they're puppies. They're, like, little tiny puppies. I know. It's something to do with the way the mother... the construction of their body, I believe.

Now, to be fair, I'm talking from a position of ignorance on this. I own a Boston Terrier. Oh, but then let me say stuff. Here's what I heard it was. Is that a gypsy cursed Boston Terriers... Thinner. Directly

to the uterus. Thinner. But no, that's one of the unfortunate things and why you shouldn't try to get a bred Boston Terrier that's kind of inhumane to... to keep making them. As far as I know,

this is what I've heard and I... if I'm wrong, correct me and I will... By the way, speaking of corrections, from episode one... Are you opening the department of the corrections office? I have corrections department office. Kansas in Mountain Time. I looked it up.

Remember when we sang, of course... I do remember. That wonderful song, Look It Up, Scotty. Look it up, Scotty. The best part was you, as you were typing... Singing and clapping. You were stopping to clap.

Well, you gave me the encouragement I needed to look it up and the very first thing said, Kansas in Mountain Time and I assumed that meant all of Kansas was in Mountain Time. Apparently, what I had looked up was the fact that only four counties in Kansas

are in Mountain Time. Otherwise, they're central timers. That is odd, isn't it? Weird, wild stuff. Why bother, I wonder? And I wonder if the people in these counties just say, can we just please be intent... All of our neighbors...

Hey, you know what? All of our neighbors get their TV earlier than us. Can we please just be... Please... Please... It's very bizarre. How bizarre, how bizarre as OMC once. How bizarre.

Got engineer Cody Sam on that one. Oh, he loved it. It's a rare occurrence when the engineers laugh at the show. Usually, they stare with hatred at us. That's true. Shaking their fists. We're just very distracting. It's a little distracting.

All right, let's get to number one on the question. Fine, I don't fucking care, Scott. O'Golly, you devil. This is the climactic conclusion to the O'Golly saga. Now, when we left off, there was a knock on the door. Who was behind that knock?

We won't hear it in this clip, but it was Chip Gardner, candidate for honorary mayor of Hollywood. We talked about him before. Now, he admitted that he was Satan incarnate. He admitted that. He offered that, as a matter of fact.

We did not need to torture him. To get that information? He gave it up willingly. He told Jason and I that we have been dead, and we're dead ever since we were on that Zap show as children. That's right. In 1981, we died,

and hell was closed. And everyone who had died since 1981 resided within a twilight nether region. That included Kurt Cobain and everyone else who had died since 1981. All right, that's what you need to know. Tom Deleuys. What's that? Tom Deleuys.

I thought you said Tom Deleuys. Yeah, him too. Let's do assume that Dom's father was Tom. Yes. And that he wanted to name him after himself, but the doctor misheard. Classic story. Once the name is written down on a birth certificate,

it cannot be changed. It cannot be changed! Female! So, we... Then, Dalton Wilcox, who we heard in the last one. Cowboy, the poet laureate of the West. He wrote a poem to commemorate the battle.

He decided it. Then, in came Hot Dog, who is a erstwhile singer who wanted to join Shana Naugh and a skier in the 60s. Did you greet him when he walked through the door? I did. I said, what's up, Hot Dog?

Right there in that very clip. Bill Carter, trainer to thestarsseekingstars.com, came in. Very old man with big muscles. Cactus Tony came in who was... A shadowy, mysterious figure. Yes, and he wears all snake skin. That's right.

Golly was there, the puppet. He came back. And then Byron Deniston, who... The Royal Watcher. The Royal Watcher from a previous episode, who, I believe Bob Odenkirk was on that episode, who wanted to... He was not a Royal Watcher

in the sense of he followed the exploits of the royal family. He literally was perched in a tree across the street from Buckingham Palace with binoculars, trying to see when the baby, when the royal baby would be born, so he could steal it and name it Beatle Bailey.

After one of his favorite comic strips. He came and he brought the royal baby. All right. Now, at some point, they were going to slit the baby's throat and pour the blood upon

a magical stone. It's a funny show. From which Excalibur was pulled. And they were going to bring back the end times. Now, Jason and I... Bring back the end times. Yes. From the future. Oh, I see.

Do go on. They were going to pull them from the future into the present. That's right. They were residing in the future. They were going to... Pull them back towards us. Because without a little help, they would always just stay there in the future.

They would just put... So, when we pick this back up, all of these people are here. And this was... We're going to hear this until the end of the conclusion of this saga.

Several of these characters are in the forces of good. Several of these characters are in the forces of evil. And there's going to be a final battle which we will hear right now. This is... Yes. You're about to hear the end of this episode. Yes.

Not the end end. Okay, but still, you might want to... Just go back and listen to the whole thing. Pause, listen to the whole thing. But we're going to hear it now. This is the climactic conclusion to the Ogali saga. This is episode 300, Ogali You Devil, your number one.

Number one. Well, I have to say, Dalton, it's now looking like the forces of evil are gaining momentum here. It's on what side? Well, you have Dalton Wilcox... And I count for three. Oh, boy.

You've got to count me three times. You've got to say, don't Wilcox, don't Wilcox, don't Wilcox. Into a mirror and then you... You can summon me anytime. But Chip, you count for three because your chip, your Gretchen and the Lizard. Oh, and Satan.

Count for four. You're outnumbered at this point, Dalton, Yeah. That's okay. I'm just pointing at that. I think you need more people. Who's showing up right now? I'm going to open the door. I don't know if this is for good or evil.

The minute the person talks though, we'll know exactly who it is. Patrick McMahon. Hello, gentlemen. How are you? It's great to be here. How are you, Patrick? That's right.

It was a limerick of that one time. That was a lot of fun, wasn't it? Yeah, and how are you? It's nice to see you. I'm great. It's so great to see you. What are you doing here? I've been summoned here for a battle. You're part of this as well. What's the battle between good and evil?

That's right. On which side do you follow? I am staunchly on the side of the good because I've recently been named Irish person of the year by the ancient order of the hadirids. I heard about that. You were there with a really interesting Irish guy. Absolutely. The president of the ancient order of the hadirids

showed upon me the great honour of Irish person of the year. That's a Catholic order. It's an organisation of the Catholic Church. I feel honour bound to be on the side of good. On the side of good. Absolutely. So, Patrick Dalton here

recited his epic poem about the forces of good in him. I haven't prepared a limerick if that's where you're going. But since you're so amazing at it, I've never claimed to be any good at dead limerick. I'm an Irish story teller. And the limericks are a side line at best. And I really don't hear them all that often. I haven't prepared one or anything like that.

Now, here is Patrick Mann's limerick about the battle between good and evil. I can't look at this. I have to say, I haven't prepared one. Boy, this is going to be good. I have to remind myself that this is not part of it. No, this is not part of it because I haven't got one. I really just came here to fight.

You know the structure there. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Well, that's the rhythm of one, yeah. Okay. I guess it's time to come over the limerick. I might have done this ahead of time. All right. I might have known it was going to come up. Um...

A great battle is being waged. Oh. In the Twilight Netherrealm is where it's staged. Oh, my gosh. Hmm. Hmm. Is that part of it?

Hmm. Evil might win. Um... Which would be a great sin. Oh, boy. I tell you what, I really like that Greek yogurt by Phage. Is that what it is? Is it Phage?

It's not, but that's all right. Oh, boy. That was a rallying cry. Yeah. I'll take another crack out a little later. Is that your purpose? That really may be hungry. It legitimately may be hungry.

You expel a lot of energy. Okay, wow. Patrick McMahon, this is so... Now the forces of good are starting to take real turn. Yeah, the scales have been tipped a little bit. Well, we're going on our side now. Okay, you've got your Dalton Wilcox times three. That's right, that's right, that's right.

There's a hot dog over here. Here I am, man. What are you eating, hot dog? I'm eating a hot dog, man. Bill Carter. Also eating a hot dog. Yeah, what are you eating? I'm having a luna bar.

Oh, I thought you were late. Those are for women. Bill, those are for women. That's what they tell you. Yeah, no, no, no. Those have like... The testosterone builds itself up to do battle with the estrogen in your system.

I got 10 times the testosterone. You're challenging the guy. Challenging the testosterone to make it fight harder. It always, yeah, it's always making it fight. You always want your testosterone active. All I eat is luna bars. Now, I'm on a luna bar. On many levels, very unhealthy.

I've been at a bowel movement in nine months. We have Cactus Tony, of course. We have Cactus Tony who moved from the forces of evil to the forces of good. I'm gonna go back. There's no telling. I'm gonna go back to the forces of evil. Cactus Tony, you're a lady in the tramping that hot dog with hot dog over here.

You're at the other end of it. We're all having a snack. I think that limiter made all of us hungry. It's like everybody shares a mic and everybody shares a hot dog. Everybody shares a mic. I am the microphone. Oh, golly.

I'm still here. You devil. On the side of evil. We have Golly. We have Byron Deniston. Here I am. With Beatle Bailey, the royal baby. And a baby bear.

Did we ever figure out where that stone was? Oh, yes. It's on the way. Someone's bringing it now. Oh, someone's bringing it. I'll answer that. The fuck I gotta bring this fucking rock all the way from goddamn England? Jesus Christ.

This is... Go ahead. You know who I am. Ben? Danny Mahoney, life at a party incorporated now. You can recognize him because there's many coats. Yeah, that's right. I'm wearing a couple of different coats.

This one right here is the heaviest coat commercially available. If you want to have your coat, it's a chain mail coat. It is. It's interwoven with metal in a coat. I haven't seen you since you did a commentary on our Season 1 DVD. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I did do that.

How did that turn out? Great. People enjoyed it. All you ended up doing was retelling the story of the batteries, which you were telling there on the episode. Well, at least that way. Is that not what you're supposed to do on commentaries? You're commentary on what's happening.

We never got to anything new. You just retold all those details. This is the situation. I got a boombox, okay? Now, when I show up to work a party, I mean, I've had it since the 80s. It's a good boombox. It's a Panasonic. It's a high quality boombox. You can do it. It's got cassettes.

You can't buy these now. It's got cassettes and DVDs. You could literally... Whatever they called it. CDs. Compact discs, Danny. You can literally, if you want to, you can't go cassette CD, but you could go CD to cassette on this thing.

I don't know what the difference would be. In terms of mixing, you could go CD and record it onto a cassette on this machine. Likewise, Ditto on the radio. You could go tape record. But it runs on D-Batteries. Yes, we know.

How many batteries? This thing takes eight batteries at one time. It runs on eight batteries. He's got a bag full of D-Batteries. Yeah, no, no. I'm aware. I've got a bag full of D-Batteries. Twice, I have... Accidentally put the old battery battery.

You know, I'm in the middle of a party and my boombox goes dead and everybody's looking at me like, what the fuck is going on? You don't want to leave batteries on the floor in the middle of a party. What are you playing on that boombox? I'm playing at a party. At a music factory. I'm playing Lisa Lisa in Colt Jam.

Bare-naked ladies? Bare-naked ladies? You can't dance to that. Anyhow, so a couple of times I emptied the dead D-Batteries into the gym bag. We know this already quite well. Batteries in there that are dead. Mixed in with like

one battery in a bunch of eight. That's the problem. And you can't figure out which one it is. There's no way from looking at it whether it's dead or not. What about a battery tester? A what? See, this would solve all of your problems. A battery tester. How does it work?

You put it up against the thing and if it's got a charge it'll tell you. The thing? Are you making this up? No, it's called a battery test. Just literally a battery test. How about this? Step further. All right. Get rid of the boom box. Get rid of the batteries. Buy all you want. Get something like an iPhone with a Bluetooth speaker

that has a rechargeable battery. Fuck that. Fuck that. Okay, Danny. I'm not going to do that. This aggressive attitude. What about your iPhone? Let's have some lattes. All this bullshit. This is the kind of attitude that I feel like tells me you are on the forces of evil.

I was told to pick up a giant rock from England and bring it here. I got paid two or three times when I got paid for a party to do this. I just fine. I thought that sack contained your boom box, but that actually contains the giant rock. This is so... From what I'm told is the rock that the Excalibur

was pulled out of. Okay. I'll tell you. That's obviously a rock sack. Oh, okay. Not a boom box sack. Boom box sack. I hope to god this fucking rock doesn't take batteries because I did not even bring... I didn't either did I bring my boom box

in a sense it takes batteries. The blood of Beetle Bailey here is its battery. Yes, I am ready to shed the blood of this royal baby. Oh boy. Into the sterren Excalibur. Which will open the gates to hell.

Byron, you're not a licensed medical practitioner at all. I would think that the only person who could really open up a vein would be some sort of... Who's this at the door? Some sort of medical... Nurse Andy Callahan. Hello. How's everybody doing?

No. Who are you? I'm Nurse Andy with an I. Oh yeah, you were on with Gillian Jacobs. I don't know. But yeah. And I'm a nurse and I work in a long-term care unit. Oh yes, of course.

I take care of senior citizens and you know a lot of these people have dementia and they're not doing very well. I mean these are folks who are not going to get out of the hospital. This is his last stop for these guys. You're here to draw the blood of the Beetle Bailey, I assume. Huh? No.

No, no, no, no. I don't want that blood drawn. What are you doing here? I'm here for the forces of good, you guys. Fake out. Oh my goodness, no. Nurse Andy Callahan, forces of good. I'm actually here. Thank you, Dalt. You did a wonderful job so far.

I'm here to lead the forces of good. I'm going to lead the forces now. I'm going to organize you guys and we're going to get into a single file line. Oh boy. Because I have a lot of experience organizationally with, you know, planning out the shifts of the nurse. You know, I mean listen, the nurses shifts

are complicated, you know what I'm saying? Because there has to be a transition between one shift ends and the other one because you got to pass off information about what happened on the left. This ends very... It has to be more of an overlap so the person leaving can update the person who's coming on. That's a lot like waiters, hey, I'm working on this table.

I feel like this is very administrative Nurse Andy Callahan. This is going to be a lot, listen, in this battle between good and evil, 90% of it is going to be administrative. And the paperwork? I guess you do. You got to book all the different people into all the different fights. Plus I'm God.

So that's part of it. It's part of why I want to lead the forces of good because I'm God. Wait, what? Oh yeah. You're God? You're the most annoying character? How do you figure?

We haven't heard of... We haven't heard from you for... Yeah, I know. You barely register. People never talk about you. Oh, is that right? No, people never talk about you. You weren't part of the pilots, I don't think.

Like none of it. None of it, nothing. I've been over there in the long-term care unit of this hospital just watching old people get sick and die and having a lot of laughs. Oh, just like God. Just really enjoying, you know. He is God. This makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, we have a lot of fun. So you've been here on Earth this whole time since the Gates of Heaven... Since 81? Yeah, yeah, I've been here. And I'm aware of what happened there where nobody who dies could go to heaven or hell and just dwelling in it. And I said, I don't want to get involved.

You know, I mean, let's let it sort itself out. But here we are now and the battle is being joined. So why not? I figure, you know, I gotta come down here. I'll see if I can help out Joel. Oh, thank God. Thank you. I was gonna say thank God, but thank Andy. Thank you. I guess that's it. Andy is God.

Wow. Andy is God. Interesting. Well, I guess all that needs to happen is we need to prick the blood of young beetle Bailey and pour it into this. Wait a minute, but I feel you can't do that. Why not? I'm ready to prick the blood.

Well, I mean, your supreme commander isn't here. The supreme supreme commander? Yes, he's dropping by. The supreme commander's supreme commander? Yeah. No, one of us can pretend to know what he's going to do. He comes and goes as he chooses. Are you waiting for him to,

for him to, you know, to get to go ahead? Yes. That it's time? Yeah. Oh, fuck. What? I just watched Danny Mahoney and Ben Altman become one character. Oh my God. Holy shit. Oh my God, the forces of evil

are all combining. They're like a megatron. They are all melting together. Oh my God, Byron Denison just melted into the Danny Mahoney Ben Altman beast. Oh. Everything is co- How is this happening?

There's a- All the forces of evil have joined into a giant. They turned into one singular person. Don DiBello, theatrical director. Good morning, gentlemen. Oh, this is chilling.

Now there is only one. I'm Satan's supreme commander, supreme commander. I am the embodiment of all evil and unknown universes throughout perpetuity since the dawn of time and forever for all time. Whoa. Don, I should have known that about you.

You've been a disgusting human being for the entire 300 episodes. So do you separate your essence into these minions and these people on earth? Do you divide your body? Is it like a horcrux? Oh, is it like a what? A horcrux from the Harry Potter books.

A horcrux? This is something that appears in these Harry Potter books. Now that you mention it that way. A horcrux? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, I know a lot about the crux of a horcrux. Yeah, okay. But yes, I am capable of putting myself into any number of people

to carry out my wishes here on earth. Wow. To confuse people. That's been largely what I've been up to. Just to confuse people. Just confusing people. Cactus Tony is so mad right now that Don DeMillo's in the room. You son of a bitch, you've set me up for that

Rottwater thing. The police was here and I had no choice but to jump out that window and I ended up getting... Oh my God, Cactus Tony, you're being absorbed into Don DeMillo's body. Oh my God! He wanted to be on the forces of good but he's actually just another

essence of Don DeMillo's personality. I have the power to subsume people. Oh, now Don, do you have any productions coming up? Oh yeah. I'm very glad that you asked me. I mean, I know everything's going to end and the hell's going to open up. But do you have anything you want to plot?

Well, you know what they say, the show must go on. Yes, this great battle between good and evil is commencing in previews right now for Don DeMillo's production of Disney's Frozen. Oh boy. Has it worked? Frozen? One of the most popular movies of the year. Oscar winner.

For Best Song. How does your version of Frozen go? Well, we got some girl in there. She's a real hot lady and she's one of those topless princesses and she's locked in a castle and her parents won't let her out because she turns things into ice or some shit or whatever.

She's a hot lady who turns things into ice. Sure, okay. She's up there and she's got a song. We gave her a song. Something like Let It Go? No, she's got a song that goes I'm locked in a castle. I can't fuck anything and nothing can fuck me.

And meanwhile down in the town there's these trolls who hear the song and they go, we'll see about that. Oh dear. Any snowmen that come to life or anything like that? Yeah, there's a snowman that comes to life. Oh boy. He fucks this girl.

Yeah. It's a great show. We covered this whole stage of whipped cream during Oh wow, that sounds slippery. There becomes an eternal winter and a bunch of girls come out there, snow fairies or something and they lick at the whipped cream off each other. It's a little vague on these details.

It's really well early in previous. Now the whipped cream, I feel like having food on stage. Do you still have dogs in the theater? I feel like the food is going to attract those dogs. Well not only that, but I got some real live reindeer that I trapped up in Canada with bear traps.

Their legs are all fucked up. Oh yeah, those are only meant for bears. They're bear traps. Yeah, they'll fuck up a reindeer leg. I was looking for reindeer traps and they don't carry them. Over there, black and decker doesn't make one. Are you sponsored by black and decker? He has the voice of a black and decker sand dog.

That's true. Anyhow, wow. I'm really quiet for this because I do want people to come down to the past at the Fairytale Theater and check out my production of Disney's Frozen. Andy, what do you think about this? Andy Callahan, nurse Andy.

Well, I'm very glad to finally beat the ultimate evil here. Because I really think things would be better if he was gone. I'm just being honest. All right, well the forces are good are here and you're up against Don DeMello.

The baby. The baby is bleeding. The baby, a drip of blood is dripping down the baby's leg. Who's getting horny? If the blood enters the hole that is in the rock it will open the gates of hell.

Wait, Patrick McMahon recite a limerick to join to rally the troops. It's time for your limerick, Patrick McMahon! That's the only thing that could stop this drop of blood dropping into the Excalibur Hall of the Storm is a powerful limerick that can combine all the forces of good

into one. Here we go! And once again, I've not had time to work on it. All right, but you're the best at it. I haven't taken a break. That's why you're here. That's why I'm here. Oh my gosh! The forces of evil are one.

This battle ain't gonna be fun. But we've got to prevail. Use stamps.com to help with your mail. Oh boy. They're gonna be thrilled. They're gonna be thrilled. What was the first line?

Thank you so much. Two thousand pounds. A limerick is more powerful than a gun! Like a gun robber! Right! How does that make you feel? This poem, the limerick,

I just heard it feel like I'm being subsumed. All of the forces of good are combining! It's Andy Callahan! August Lynch! Hot dog! Get out of here, hot dog! Yeah, we're not doing that. Screw you!

You shouldn't have been here anyway. You must burn your wife at least as much early as you're born! They're all combining into nurse Andy Callahan. Well, here I am and all the other guys are a part of me now and that's how it works.

And so I am God now and I've combined all the good parts of me and so listen, I'll tell you what's gonna happen right now, you can't stop it! Are you gonna wrestle? I'm grabbing the stone and I'm going out the window! Oh my God!

We're in the new Airwolf Studios where there is no window. All of a sudden Victor the Giant reached through burst his head through the wall created a window meanwhile we're on the fourth floor up here and nurse Andy Callahan jumped out.

Jumped out! Jumped onto the back of the Giant. Jumped onto the back of the Giant. Yeah, we thought that nurse Andy Callahan was committing suicide. He just jumped onto the back of the Giant. And they flew away. The Giant turned into a griffin and they flew away.

So you have a shapeshifter too! They do, yeah. They do, they do. Sorry, Don, you're the only one left. It's just me here stuck with a bleeding baby. He grabbed the rock and he flew away with it before the blood could drip down into it. I should have known that the creation of a window by a Giant

was going to be the thing that destroyed me. I mean this has been a long time coming this battle. All I needed to do was get one drop of blood here in the hole. You really took your time with it. At any point you let Patrick get through the whole limerick and he labored over it.

I know. You could have at any point just shoved the blood in the hole. Well, like everyone else out there, I wanted to hear the limerick. Yeah, that is the power of a limerick. And that's why he's the best. Number one! Alrighty! Truly insane.

Very insane. I believe, by the way, a lot of sharp-eared listeners were trying Vulcans. And Nosferatu's. Nosferatu's. Why don't you

come to your senses? You've been out riding fences. For so very long now. You gotta This sounds now like the Texas famous.

I love you. What if somebody loved Nosferatu? That could have changed everything. Exactly. Isn't that all vampires, Nosferatu's, want anyway? It's just a girlfriend. And a girlfriend.

Will you be my girlfriend? I'll give you a little bit of your blood on the side. How about this? Every 30 days. You sucked me into that. I got carried along in time. Of blood. Okay, so I believe

sharp-eared listeners were trying to bring up the fact that we should have gone in our improv down a certain route. That Jason, I believe, was trying to steer us into, which was Dalton Wilcox, cowboy poet Laureate of the Old West, who has a wooden penis,

was trying to stick that penis into the hole in the magical rock to block the blood from going into it. That's what Jason was trying to lead us to. Neither Andy nor I picked up on it. And when I listened to it back, I say, of course, of course that's the way it should have ended.

But your green-blooded listeners, they knew. They're smarter than I. They're screaming at their tablets, their smartphones, and their laptops. iPads, iPods, I don't know any more.

But you know, Andy was trying to juggle all these balls, that was a tour de force from him, I believe. I believe he does 12 characters at the same time. Now let me ask you this. Shut up. How much of that

did you plan in advance? Because as I think most people who listen to the show know, really nothing is planned out. Tomorrow is not promised. That's the official motto of Comedy Bang Bangs.

Leave it all out there on the podcast because you may not get another chance. That's right. There will be people, if they're bringing a character or something, they may give you some beats. Here's what this guy is talking about. Sometimes you do that,

especially on the TV show, we'll lay out five beats sometimes. That's the most anyone, anything, anyone, any who, anywhere, anyhow. Because it, for me, I think, and I would imagine for most people who do that

a similar thing, is that it feels like you have a solid jumping off point. If you come in with an idea of here's what this guy is, here's what he wants to talk about, then it can go anywhere. We found that out, I believe, on the last tour that we did together. I think the,

was it the very first night at Largo? I think you were doing Cake Boss. Cake Boss, and you didn't have anything to talk about. I did have something to talk about, but I didn't tell you, and I thought, well, we'll just get to it, I'll get it in there. And I never could figure out how to lead into it or something, is that? Yeah, but it was more like, I never

got to it, we were just doing what we do, and then there was a signal to Andy Daly, who was also on that show. He was supposed to come out. Just come in after ten minutes. Well, in ten minutes I never got to the thing that I wanted to talk about, and so he just came on and I was like, oh, well now I see the mistake that I've

made. But it is interesting, I've thought about that, especially for the TV show, because every once in a while that happens with the TV show, someone will come on and say, oh, well, I don't have a thing to talk about, but here's my behavior, and that doesn't work as well as someone who has

behavior, but has something they want to talk about. There's something about the momentum of that that can lead us forward into a thing. It does, and on the TV show, you don't have as much time as we have here on this to just goof around. It's like, this has to be, because somebody has to

be in a good five or six minute chunk, and so there needs to be some momentum. Okay, so... Okay, okay, okay. Let's stop talking about enough of how the bread is made. No, but we... No, I'm going to get into how the bread is made. I'm going to answer your question. I've had more of it, Mr. Hockerman. More bread.

How about a little Gucci? You did it again. We have not talked about the process behind this other than with ourselves, Jason, Andy, and I, but yes, that first episode the Oh Golly, we thought it was just going to be a normal episode,

and then we just started pushing it into these mythological... Well, also, Andy kept... Andy has a few things that he talks about a lot, which are international waters. He likes to make references to these other characters that he's done. The Dailyverse.

The Dailyverse is if they all share a continuity. The Andrunaverse. Andrunaverse, yes. So he makes little references to chip gardener or side-by-sides, or cactus Tony, or someone who votes international water, someone who works at the Arclight.

He'll make these little references, and Jason and I cannot help but pick up on them, and then in that first episode Oh Golly, it got very convoluted, not really convoluted to us, but we didn't know what to do with it. So we just ended it and said, okay, we'll do it as a cliffhanger.

Then people, and we assumed that people would know we would do it at some point down the line, because we don't have a million years to sit around doing these podcasts like you and I do. So then it came out, and people really love that episode,

and said, oh boy, the resolution to this cliffhanger is coming next week. I can't wait for episode 275. I think even I assumed it would be the following week. I don't know why we thought that it would be okay to just not follow up on it and do it

down the line, but we thought that people would get it. It did not come the following week, and the anticipation for it started building and building and building, and then at a certain point, Jason and I said, let's just do this for episode 300. Let's make it episode 300,

and we kind of put it out there on, or I put it out there on Twitter, because Jason wasn't there, that we were saving it up for episode 300. So, but the pressure was there. The pressure was there to figure out what to do with this. Now, we

we're hearing track 15, the buzz saw. I don't know if you people can hear it, but I bet I can do better than that. Pretty good. I thought that was kick boss for a second. Oh, the laughing buzz saw. That's a great children's book.

There it is. So, the pressure kept building up and building up, and Jason and Andy and I would talk about it. We would say, guy, there was a lot of stress hanging over us for months regarding this, and just that underlying stress,

you know how when you're like, oh, I got to do that thing, that errand. It kind of felt like that for us of like, oh, God, it's going to be so hard and so difficult to follow up with this, but we have to at a certain point. When I went out there to Chicago to do the A.V. Club Fest,

Jason and Andy and I talked about doing it out there, live for the fans and just, and, you know, me not announcing who was going to be out there, and Jason coming out and then Andy coming out and us picking it up back there, but then Andy was going to do it and then his schedule got too busy.

And I'm glad we didn't, in a way you know, Chicago would have gotten a great show, but I don't know if it would have been good as good as it turned out. Chicago still got a great show. That's true. The band, Chicago? Yeah. When you go see them on tour? Yeah, they still got a great show, man.

They did get a great show. So, yeah, it involved me it involved me going back and doing a beat sheet of everything within the Ogali episode and I sent that email to everybody and it was nuts and then Andy had to go back and listen to

every single one of his appearances. I know people don't know. He went back and listened to every comedy bang bang podcast he had done and wrote notes for every single one about who each character was and what their connection, because we couldn't remember the connections that he had made in them.

He listened to every single one and sent us a document. How many episodes was that? It was probably a good 20. Jesus. He listened to every single one and made all the notes. We got all those notes. We set a date to do it as many as we could. I think we waited to the week before

episode 300. We finally said we have to do this. Jason and Andy and I looked at each other right before it like, oh, man, we are really nervous about it. We didn't know how it was going to turn out and we were like, all right, well, let's try this.

I think we said to each other, if it doesn't come out well, I guess we could just try it again. Andy, of course, really came through and did all those different characters at the same time. Jason and I just at a certain point just started having fun and just sat back and watched

Andy and tried to push him into all these various things like having him recite poems and limericks. By the way, while he's doing 20 characters, one of his characters is saying, I'm writing this poem. He's not writing the poem. He's juggling all these characters.

So then when he goes, okay, I'm ready with the poem, that's only because he thought of it in the spur of the moment right then. So a great performance and I think that kind of puts a close to the continuity of the daily verse, I think.

I don't know that we're going to go back to that well. I don't think you should. Do you smell burnt toast? No, I think that it would be... You mean you're not going to attempt something similar to that? I'm not going to put a lot of difficulty with those characters anymore.

I think I'm looking forward to getting back to just doing regular Andy Daly episodes. Because the thing is, the continuity stuff, the building of the universe, and I know that Jason Manzookis is a big fan of that stuff because he enjoys comic books and

sci-fi and fantasy and stuff like that that does build out a world, you know. World building. World building, if you want to call it that, he's probably read the Sellers of Catan books and I can always hear in his episodes,

especially the ones with Andy, where he is like... He's delighted to push it into that. He's delighted to make the worlds collide. He is delighted to tie everything together. As am I, I'm a big fan of that as well. Yeah, absolutely, but I think Jason takes a particular delight in doing that

and also at the same time making it difficult for Andy to have to remember things. We've done that, I believe, with other... If you listen back over the almost six years that we've been doing the show, we've done that of course with the Timebobbies, we've heard that.

Cake Boss certainly has a convoluted history, not all of the canonical. And so we enjoy doing that and Marissa Wampler of course and Tracy Reardon has a very convoluted chronology now and Victor and Tiny have one. Gary Marshall and Gillian Jacobs?

Continue that come the new year. So we're going to keep doing that kind of stuff but at the same time, I've talked to the farts and procreation people, I think we're going to do... We're going to continue to do those things and also continue to do new things. I like the mixture of it, if that makes sense.

It does make sense. And it's really nice that so many of the top 15 that people voted on were continuations of that mythology because it tells me that they're popular and that we didn't fuck it up, in other words. Yes.

The fact that Ogali and Ogali You Devil were one and two tells me, oh good, we were able to pull it out. So I'm very happy. You didn't waste your own time or anyone else's. So we're going to continue doing some of that stuff

and we're going to continue. Paul, as we've talked about, you've been wonderful about adding some new characters to the TV Booneiverse and we're going to continue to do that in the new year and we have come to the end of our best ofs here

and I want to thank some people. I want to thank, first of all, I want to thank the staff here at Earwolf from the engineers who record the show and put it together. Hey, I'm talking to you. What do you say?

No, I thank you, mother fucker. What do you say? Someone thanks you. You're welcome. All right, there we go. That's all. I just wanted to hear Sam say you're welcome. No. I want to thank the staff over here

who help out with the ads and who sell the ads and of course, July, who does all of the descriptions, July Diaz. A lot of people don't give him enough recognition, I think. And I want to thank everyone who's been a guest on the show this year.

I don't believe it would exist without guests. I think that's the format of it. Why don't you try that though? Just one moment. Just talking. I don't think anyone wants to hear that. Oh boy, no thank you. Do it once.

And dedicated to the people that said, please don't ever do a solo Bolo episode again. A true solo Bolo. Solo no Bolo. Oh, this solo no Bolo. I want to thank you, Paul. It's been more than anyone has ever been. That may be true.

That may be true. Didn't you have your 100th appearance recently? Yes, I had my 100th appearance. And when I came here for that, the people here at Earwool have had flowers laid out

and also a very nice gift for me. And I was very touched by that. That really meant a lot to me because I think it's very easy for those of us who

had been doing this kind of thing for a long time before podcasts were a thing to sort of think of podcasts as something that's very easily dismissed. And you and I have had discussions about the disposable nature of these things. The ephemeral I should say, yes. What with cereal now,

I'm finally being taken seriously. It's changing lives? It's something that for me has been has been has been such a source of real joy. It really has.

And like to listen to and to do, it's been a huge Thank you. It's been a huge part of my life and an unexpected gift you know, after I've been standing for a while. Can you imagine if podcasts weren't invented in the alternate universe where they didn't exist and where they didn't start?

I don't like that at you. But can you imagine, I mean, I don't know that we would have had the interesting careers that we've had. We maybe would have had different careers, but I probably would have just continued as a film writer and maybe gotten one of my goddamn movies made.

But I just would have continued mainly as a writer. You would have still been a great stand up, I'm sure, you know, but all the character stuff you probably wouldn't have gotten into and probably not. I mean, I don't know that I would have been able to reach people

the way I wouldn't. I do know I would not have been able to reach people the way that I have through this podcast and I want to thank you for having me on so many times and it's so much fun. It's so much fun. So much fun to have you and thank you so much for being a big part of it. And I would also like

to thank the audience. Yes, because I was about to do that, motherfucker. I thought you had already. Oh, did I? Maybe not. I don't think I did. I was going to close with that and the most important part. Yes. But you go ahead. Scott, of course, is you're always

very grateful to the audience and I think you always make a point to recognize that what a great audience you do have for this podcast. It brightens my day so much to receive notes saying how much people really like this show.

People send mail to some really touching mail. It's very gratifying to feel like you're doing something that is making I don't want to say making a difference because it's not that important, I guess. It's just a thing that helps. I mean, life is

kind of hard and it is nice to hear from people whether they're saying, hey, you know, I have this awful commute every day and you guys really helped me out with that. Or people saying, like, I am going through a very bad time. And I've heard from a lot of people like that this year.

Some people in hospital beds who have discovered the show and it's very gratifying to know that this is helping them through a hard time. I've heard from several people who got the clap and it helped them with that. So they could turn their legs off

from bed? No, not the clapper. Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood. No, but you know, from the people who just enjoyed the clap. I enjoyed the clap. They got the Spanish flu. You know what I'm saying? No, but

from the people who just dip in occasionally who don't have a lot of time. That's how you get the clap? Hey, baby. To the people who listen every single episode that comes out, even the bonus episodes from the bottom of my heart and I am going to speak from Paul's.

I wish you would. Thank you so much for listening for another year. I keep saying, can I do another year? And then I keep doing it and it gets more and more fun. So, you know, maybe I'll stop this year. Who knows? That took a sharp turn. No, I

hope we don't because this is the most fun I have. People have said, hey, when are you going to stop the podcast? It is the most fun I have in the week. So, I want to continue it and with your listenership and your support, I definitely will.

Who knows what 2015? The year 2015 is coming back around. Call me when it's 4.20. We ran out of new years and we are repeating old ones. We'll see you on Monday with a

brand new episode 2015. All new episode on Monday and Paul, any final words of your life? Yeah, I'm about to execute you. It was the best of times. The end.

All right. We'll see you on Monday. Track 19. Thanks, bye. For more information, visit EarWolf.com. EarWolf Radio

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