Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2015 Pt. 1

Episode Date: December 21, 2015

As we say farewell to another year of Comedy Bang! Bang! we look back at some of the favorite moments of 2015. Joining Scott is Paul F. Tompkins of SPONTANEANATION to countdown numbers fourteen through eleven of the Best CBB episodes of 2015 as voted by YOU the listener. Stay tuned for Pt. 2 dropping on Christmas Eve!

Hey everyone, just want to remind you, we've stocked up the Ear Wolf store with lots of stuff to wear, hang, or give this holiday season. Check out the new Comedy Bang Bang hoodies, a limited edition screen printed poster, or our instant classic Hanong Man or all joking assalad teas. Each sale supports the show and helps us employ a guy named Nick that chips all this stuff from a bunker in LA. Hi Nick! Support Ear Wolf and Comedy Bang Bang by visiting EarWolf.com, click shop, and get 10% off with

the code Bang Bang. I'm not a doctor, but I play one on WebMD, where you might recognize my catchphrase you definitely have syphilis. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, did I say Comedy Bang Bang, I believe I did. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, uh, for another week, uh, first of four best of episodes. First of four, that is right, this is BO20151. Sounds like a Star Wars joy, doesn't it? Welcome to the Comedy Bang Bang show for our best of, uh, that was of course the Cantina

theme original version mixed with a little reggae, of course it was both of those. If you have not seen the new Star Wars, that's the only spoiler we'll give here today. There's a little bit of reggae music in it. So make sure you get to a theater post-haste if you are a reggae fan. Now did you hear the rumor that one of the Cantina characters was actually Adrian Brody reprising his famous Rostaman character from SNL? Boyukasha! I will never, ever forget that.

John! Manek! Respect Manek! Respect Manek. I believe he was in there in the back with just, uh, what do you call those reggae hats? Hats? You just call them hats because you're such a reggae fan. It's like Chinese food to you when you live in China.

Yeah, we're- Do you guys want to have some Chinese food from the food we eat here in China? Uh, welcome to, uh, keep welcome you, uh, welcoming, welcoming? Is that how you say it? Yeah, welcome in here. Well, welcome in here. Of course it is. Welcome Ninny.

Uh, welcome Ninny to the, uh, episode. Oh boy. God. Aw! Um, I look- Welcome Ninny to the episode. Welcome Ninny to the episode. Um, I am Scott Ackerman, your host, of course, for-

I know. Nia- Nia upon six and a half years now with this, uh, program. Wow. And, uh, yeah. Pretty crazy. What's that? Something keeps marching on and things occur and then things do not occur and yet, uh, progress is made.

Forward progress. You say so. Mm-hmm. And, uh- Is something that just keeps continuing happening? Consider progress? I don't know. You know, it'd be interesting if, say, time occurred like you- you did a day, and then

you went backwards a little bit, and then you went forwards a little bit, you know? That's how I feel all the time, Scott. Ah! Right about! Right. Get music. By the way, the new Cantina theme, uh, was, uh, I believe, partially written or written or I'm not- I haven't checked the press materials yet that were passed out in my script.

That's right. When are we going to go through that press kit? For Star Wars The Force Awakens. Because we are critics, of course. Yes! Well- This is considered to be a critical program. We're influencers, Scott.

We're influencers. Yes, that's right. But that was, uh, uh, I believe, co-written or written by, uh, one of our new friends, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Uh- Oh no, you were searching for the name! Yeah. I didn't know what the-

No, I wasn't searching for the name, I was searching for your, uh, cosine from you. Oh sure, absolutely! Like Canod, Canod. Yes, of course. Yes, of course. Our new friend, yes. Yeah. Lin-Manuel Miranda of Hamilton.

Yes, the composer of Hamilton. Yes, who- Oh, a composer and star! A composer and star of Hamilton? Yes, and I will be, uh, if you're listening to this when it comes out, I'll be seeing it tomorrow night, I believe. What if they're listening to it after it comes out? Well, then, uh, all bets are off.

And so you're saying if people listen to this- I am taking bets on this. If people listen to this at 12 AM, uh, Pacific Standard Time. Yes. On- PST. Yeah, on Tuesday, I guess. Tuesday.

No, it comes out- No, this comes out on Monday, yes. It comes out on Monday. All right. I'll introduce you in a second. But, uh, yes, he's, he listens to this program, I believe. Listen to this program! He listens to the program!

He listens to the program with the pudding! You won't be- You're not gonna hear anything for much longer. Night and night, senses receding! That's not- That's a big story that happened in 2015. Guys! That counts.

That counts as something that we can talk about. I feel like that's a little off-brand to me. This is the best week ever. Best week ever! Why, we're having such a good time. That's right. And I have the, uh, former hosted best week ever right across from me. Uh, he, of course, he only does these episodes on the best ofs,

although he did one in the mid-year, I believe. I believe so. You know, which was a big treat to have him on, but he'll be on for the next four episodes, where we'll be counting down your top 14 comedy bang-bang episodes. Today, we'll be going through 14 through 11. Uh, and then, uh, so on and so forth. Uh, this one goes to 11?

Spinal tap! Pop culture reference! Best week ever. Um, he was the former host of this program, best week ever. I still am! Yeah, you're still here. I still am the former host of that program. I always will be.

Really? You don't think that you'll ever not be the former host, you'll be the current host? Well, I don't think it's ever coming back with me as the host. What if it did? Well, it came back without me as the host. That's true. And then it died on its own, didn't it, for me?

On the vine. Yeah, that's right. Um, Paul of Tompkins is here. Hello! To me! Happy holidays and... Happy holidays. This is the, this is, uh, Christmas week and Boxing Day week.

That's right. Uh, and... Those are the two holidays people mean? When they say happy holidays? Yeah. No other holidays. No other holidays at all. Um, welcome back to the program.

It's very nice to see you. Scott, it's always nice to see you. Thank you for having me. Mm-hmm. This is, I love this time of year, and one of the reasons I love it... Eggnog. Is because, it's because Eggnog. Case closed!

We have a couple of glasses right here. See you guys next episode. Oh my God. I do drill. Do you like Eggnog? Because I do. I do. I actually, uh, the widow Coolop and I, when we went out shopping for a get-together we

had recently, we bought a lot of alcohol at Costco. Sure. And I bought six giant jugs of pre-made whiskey Eggnog. Oh, with the booze already in it? With the booze already in it. I was like, oh, this is gonna be a big hit at the party. I believe one and a half of those giant jugs was, so we have four and a half still at the house.

May I say, Scott, I was at... Come on. If this is the... Here we go! Respect! If, if this is the gathering that I was invited to. The gathering. Magic the Gathering, yes.

Yeah, this was the Magic the Gathering get-together that I was invited to. Yep. To bring some new cards. I did not see that Eggnog anywhere. And I would have had some. I know. Well, at one point the bartender almost set fire to my kitchen by trying to heat some up.

Like, he took it upon himself. Really cool dude. Heat some up! Yeah, he pulled out a saucepan, unbeknownst to Coolop or I, and he just, he just heated some up in a saucepan and then someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, hey, look, I turned around, there's a giant flames up, up to the ceiling. But, uh, he was great. Nice guy named Kevin.

He learned all of our names. Did you notice that? I did not notice that. There were quite a few people at this get-together and he memorized everyone's name. Do you think he used a demonic device? Yes. He sold his soul to Satan. So he just remembered names.

Just for that power, yeah. So he was like a waste! Um, you and I have both seen Star Wars, so let's go through some spoilers. Absolutely! Rest in peace, R2-D2. Too soon. R2-D2 soon. Um, let's get that hashtag going.

R2-D2 soon. Too soon. Anytime you're joking about the death of a robot, it's R2-D2 soon. Yes, anytime. And how often does that come up? Joking about the death of a robot. More often than you think, but not that often still. I guess joking about the movie I-Robot.

Lots of robots. I-Robot. Ay, ay, ay, dos mio, robots. Don't joke about I-Robot, though. I would never. I would never. I-Robot would never. Um, so what else is going on for you this holiday season?

I mean, you're off to Never, Neverland. Do-do-do-do. Yeah! Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do. Oh! Oh! Do-do-do-do-do.

Riggi! Riggi. Riggi. Riggitalica. Come on. Oh, Riggitalica. So I bet somebody's done that. I bet that it's just somewhere.

You know, I have close to 200,000 songs in my iTunes. I just put it on random. Of course I know that. And I- Yeah, and uh- I have records that I've never listened to that one day just one song will pop up in there. And one of them is Beat-Bitalica, which is, I believe, Beatles songs done in the style

of Metallica. Absolutely. And it's really funny to hear someone impersonate, what's his name? Hetfield? Who is that guy? Kirk? Yeah, James Hetfield. James Hetfield, yeah.

Because like basically all the guy does is like goes, eight days a week. It's really funny. Worth it. Worth it. My wife and I- I'm just going to let that pass. Thank you. We-

We've traded music back and forth over the years, you know, shared songs with each other. So sometimes I'll have a song in my library that absolutely is from her music collection. Right. And we'll be listening to her in the car and she'll be like, who's this? And she doesn't like it. Like, I got this from you. Oh. I got this from you, dad.

It's- I don't know why, but it's always the- the maximum amount of incredulity when she's asking me- Right. What's this? What- And what normally is it? What type of music does she enjoy?

It'll- National Anthems. She loves National Anthems. Really? Um, what is the best National Anthem I'm trying to think? Because pretty much Canada's and the United States of America are almost exactly the same. Are they not? Or are they a different tune?

No, I think they're a different tune. What's the thing I'm thinking of? Uh, your thing of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Right. And the alphabet. Right, ABCDFG. How I wonder where you are. Where you are.

Got it. Yeah. By the way, in the public domain now. That's right. Happy birthday to you. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven.

Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. JeremyPiven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven.

Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven.

Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven.

Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven.

Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven.

Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge.

Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge.

Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge.

Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge.

Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. Jeremy Punge. It's like number three years. That's right.

That's how it's pronounced. Or say seven. Say seven. Seven. What number are you on the call sheet for that? Scott, inexplicably, I am number one. You are number one. Number one on the call sheet.

Very good. It's been a while. It's been a while. Since I've been number one on the call sheet. What's so funny is I'm not even on the show every day, so I'm still, for some reason, CC'd on all communications with the show. So I get the call sheets every day when I'm not working, and I see that it starts with number two.

Right? Always with number two, because it's out of deference to your stature in the entertainment industry. That's what my old career has been leading up to, is for someone to take pity on me and say, make him number one. No, no, no, no. This was no pity. Make him number one on the call.

This was contractually a blight. Is that so? No. I think it was out of deference to you. That's very good. Are you having a good time on that show? We showed you a little bit of it the other day. Yes.

I think you were threatening to show me more, but it would make me so self-conscious. I'm going to show you more. It would make me so self-conscious to watch in front of you guys, watch myself on a screen. But I ... You have a couple of great scenes in that. You score big in it. Oh, good. I am very glad.

I had a great time working on that. We're going to do a little more in the next month. A little more. All right. And it's a great group of people. I love those kids. They're all 30 years younger than I am. Fresh.

I don't believe that is true. I don't believe they're pre-pubescent. They're all 10 years old. But we found a great cast for it. I do want to talk about it just a little bit because I think people will want to see this. But it's the Widow Cool-Up show that she created. And I'm producing it along with Tom Lennon and Ben Grant, and Ben was directing. And half the time with Alex Ferney, and Alex was also directing.

And yeah, I mean, we found some great young improvisers who are the cast, and you are their boss. And you're sort of... On screen and off. Wait a minute. Were you bossing them around? I was. I was.

I was wondering why you were having like shoe shines done by them. It was a lot. I was adjusting their posture. I was telling them to... They were walking around with... Look sharp. Books on their heads. That's right.

Like they were in finishing school. That's right. They should call it ending school. Shouldn't they? Why? Because. That's all I got. Because.

Hey, finishing school, what about starting school? You know what I mean? What about staying in school? That's kindergarten. Okay. Yeah, you're right. So look for that on CISO. The Jillian Dollar Properties.

It's a very funny show. And it really is a great cast. And I had so much fun improvising with those guys. And you'll be filming a little more come the new year as well. Yeah, so in a few weeks, I believe, that'll be up on CISO. So people should be figuring out their test... I heard March. No, it premieres in March, but the first episode goes up in a couple of weeks.

Oh, sneaky peeky. In order for people to... Sneaky peeky. Yeah, peeky blinders. Yeah, so people should go to CISO and get the test. What is it in that test? But a trial run trial. Yeah, yeah.

It's like a free trial or something like that. Because it's... Everyone is due a free trial. Because it's a subscription service. Because it's a constitution. Right. That's right. Everyone is allowed a free, quick, and speedy trial.

That's right. They can get a trial membership to CISO with a jury of their peers. Now, you have to sit through a jury process. Oh, my... And it's the worst. There is a trial. It is the worst. You ask people, have you ever seen television?

And then if they have, they're just qualified. And when it's a jury of their peers, really, a bunch of white people. Yeah. A bunch of rich white people. Exactly. Anyway, that'll be coming up soon. And speaking of coming up soon, I do want to say that we have to get to our countdown, don't we?

Yeah. I... Yeah, okay. That's on the topic of coming up soon. Yeah. I mean, it's coming up right now. I believe let's get to it. We can get it sooner than that.

We're going to be counting down your... And you guys voted on this, by the way. Yeah, this is on you. This is on whatever... You know, we don't give a shit. We just read it. I could not fucking care less. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I spent the last three days. Days and nights compiling these clips, figuring out time code. Now, how do you determine the clips? Do you ask people what are their favorite moments? Here's what I do. Okay, and by the way, we're going to be listening to your top 14 on this countdown. Couldn't quite sneak in the 15. What is that?

Just for amount of time that we have. These are all long episodes. Couldn't quite get the 15th in there. I would have had to shorten every other clip so much that it wouldn't have been funny. That's fair. But basically, I figure out what the numbers are. I go look at the episode page. I'll try to remember it from memory and go, what was funny in that?

But what is more effective is to go to the message boards and kind of read people's reactions to it at the time. Because a lot of times people will go, oh, this was so funny when they said that. I'll sort of give that a cursory skim. You usually have to listen to the entire episode in order to remember what was really funny while taking notes and time code notes. And then I'll go back and figure out the time code. Now, it's important to note that you are doing this on your own time. No one is really helping you out with this. No.

And you don't have to do this. Good old engineer Cody Ryan over here is helping us out here on one of the days off from the studio. So that's really nice of him. That is very nice of him to do. But what I mean is this is a thing that you are providing that you don't have to do this. Well, it's a passion project. Yes. We started the Best ofs six years ago, I believe.

And it's something that I enjoy doing, although it takes too much fucking time. It's a celebration of a fun year. It's a celebration, bitches. It's a celebration, bitches. We need to celebrate. What dialect is it? What dialect is it? It's a celebration, bitches.

It's a celebration, bitches. Celebration, bitches. That is a horrifying dialect. I know we have fans out there, and where is it? Australia or New Zealand? That's what we were attempting to do. What's the deal? Who cares out there?

Look, I will be visiting you, though. I believe we may be going out there this year at some point. Oh, fingers crossed. Yes. So much fun. I was there with the Thrilling Adventure Hour in New Zealand and Australia this past year, and it was a lot of fun. And hopefully you'll be coming out to Australia and New Zealand this year with us,

but we'll talk about that a little later in our countdown. But let's waste no more time. Let's get to it. Let's get to number 14. Number one, four. That's right. Number 14 is here. That's right.

That's right. Yeah, it is right. Yeah, that's right. That's right. I said it, and then it occurred. That's right. Number 14 is here. Number 14 is here.

This is number 14 on your countdown. I want to say this narrowly beat out number 15, which is... Why do I have... Stammerers Paradise? Yes. Yes. When I walk through the valley, it narrowly beat out is y'all my daddy. Oh, wow.

Which was the continuing saga of JW Stillwater. That's right. The introduction of Professor Steelwater. Steelwater. Yes, his daddy. Yes. And which had, of course, Carmen, his young word, Carmen. Caramel.

Caramel, sorry. Cameran Esposito. Yes, Cameran Esposito, narrowly beat out. You will not be hearing that clip today, but go back and check that episode out. You really should. That was a funny episode. You really should. This is, of course, episode number 329 from all the way back, January 12th.

Oh, wow. No, actually the third episode in the calendar year of 2015. We had two episodes before it. This is January 12th. This is the Too Much Tuna Tour. Absolutely. That's right. With Nick Kroll and John Mulaney.

That's right. That's right. That is right. Who keeps saying it's not right? Who among you? Step forward. If not now, when? And if not who, then you.

This was the, as I said, the third episode back in the new year, and this was really fun. This basically, Nick Kroll came on. Nick Kroll. Nick Kroll. Nick Kroll came on. Nick Kroll. He was just about to premiere the final season of Kroll Show, and he was there to explain why he was leaving a very funny pre-character segment.

By the way, if you've never. He's a funny guy. If you've never listened to Comedy Bang, Bang before, and maybe you just were given an iPod, that's always my theory. Someone gets an iPod on Christmas, and they go, what is a podcast? Serial? And then they run out of cereal to listen to, and they go, all right, I'm going to find something else.

But season two, though, just started with Bo Bergdorf. Who's that? He's the host of the new season of Serial. Oh, he is. Really? What happened to whoever her name was? Oh, I don't know. I think she got murdered, and this is a.

Wait, by the first guy? Yeah, they're trying to solve her. They're trying to solve her. That would be the best season two of all time. That's right. Bo Bergdorf, of course, from the supermarket chain and former NFL great. Yeah. Murdered.

What's her name? That's right. Murdered Walter Canig. From Star Trek? That's right. Star Trek. By the way, Scott, I know you got business to do. Tell me this happened when you saw Star Wars.

Uh-huh. There were 30 minutes of trailers before the movie. Okay. People, you know. A little less at the arc light. The movie business is like, let's, we have a captive audience. Let's show them everything. They showed a Star Trek trailer before Star Wars, and at the end of it, everyone booed,

and it really made me laugh. A lot of people upset about this new Star Trek trailer, including even Simon Pegg, I guess, a friend of the show who was interviewed recently and had, and they asked him about the new Star Trek trailer, and his face could not hide his embarrassment about it. And it's purely just because they're using, listen only y'all, this is sabotage throughout the entire thing. Because young Kirk plays it when he's like a five-year-old kid driving around that car or something.

Something like that. And he's like, remember that time I drove around that car and played that old, old hundreds of years old song? Yeah. I'm gonna listen to that the rest of my life. It's not a great trailer. It's not a great trailer. It's not a great trailer.

I thought it looked all right. But I thought it was funny that the Star Wars audience booed the Star Trek trailer. Do you think it was because they were at Star Wars and they were booing Star Trek? Yes. I think it's because they hated the trailer. Oh no. Because there were some other shitty trailers that did not get that treatment. I just think that there is a big backlash against that trailer.

That particular trailer. Oh, perhaps you're right. Maybe, I don't know. Well, that's a great disagree. Maybe it was just people going, the Star Wars, not Trek. I think that's what it was, Scott. I think people who like Star Wars like Star Trek though, too. Of course there's crossover.

Scott, darling, of course there is. It's only the stars, my dear boy. One's a long time ago. One's in the future. Exactly. What if they're both in the same universe? You know what I mean? What if we're in the same universe as both of them?

Well, obviously we're in the same universe as Star Trek. Is it obvious? Because in Star Trek IV, the Voyage Home, they come back here. There are multiple universes though. That's right. This is the multiple universe theory. That's right. We can use Star Trek.

This is what it is. The multiple universe theory is there might be a different universe other than Star Trek. I feel like we're getting wildly off course here. What were we doing? We were talking about episode number 14. Episode 14. 14, yes. Tuna tour.

Tuna tour. So if you've never heard this before, comedy bang bang basically. These best ofs are where we pull back the curtain and we talk about the making of the show. Basically what we do on the show. Sausage times. Sausage times. This is how the bread is made. Usually the show, it's always hosted by me.

Always. I know. It's the worst. And the first segment is usually talking to a star of stage or screen. That's right. And could be a big screen, could be a small screen. But usually I'll talk to someone as themselves for a while. And then I will have several comedians playing fake characters on the program.

At least one. At least one in either the next segment or in the middle of the first segment or sometimes at the beginning. But that's what the show is. Well, let's nail down where they come in. Which segment? You want time code? No, it's always me talking to, usually talking to one real person and then one or more several fake people. Sometimes it'll all be fake people.

We've done episodes like that before. That's very rare. It's very rare, but sometimes we do it. But in this particular instance. Shut up. Sometimes, and maybe this is what you were going to speak to. Sometimes a real person will start out as themselves and then they'll go away. And then they'll come back as a character.

And that's exactly what happened here. Well, I was just talking to Nick Kroll as himself about Kroll Show. Meanwhile, John Mulaney, who's a great comedian, a lot of people know him as the creator of... What's that guy's name? Fred Rico. Stefan. I don't know. SNL, Stefan.

Now, you haven't watched SNL since Gary Kroger was on it. No, I will not. He was your last favorite. I've only watched Gilbert Gottfried from the original cast. That's right. My original cast when I first started watching. That's right. And when they left, I was, I'm out.

Once Denny Dillon was not in the mix anymore, forget it. But yeah, John Mulaney, great stand-up comedian, has a Netflix special out right now. Very funny. He watched it the other night. Yep. The come back hit. The gentleman, yes. The lady finishes, starring John Mulaney.

He had a lot of things wrong. But wildly wrong though. Yeah, very, very wrong. At least there's that. By the way, what are you doing with this? I felt it very important to flatten this empty tissue box. Oh my God. I have compulsions.

It's like a fire going. It's just the season. So, John Mulaney was just watching us, and then Nick went away, and they came back as their characters, George St. Giglund and Gil Faison. Characters they've done for a long time. They've done them on Kroll Show. They get pranked with too much tuna. And they currently, they just wrapped up their off-Broadway run yesterday, and I was there

in the audience of, oh, hello. Were you really? Yes, I was. How was it? Oh, so funny. I wish I'd seen that. And so, they came back as these characters, and they just went on probably an hour-long uninterrupted run of just stream of consciousness rambling.

That was really, really funny. Yes, it was. And so, we're going to hear that basically it starts off, they're talking about 2014. Reminder, this was in January of 2015. So, they're sort of recapping 2014 and all of the celebrities they'd lost over the year. Let's hear that. This is your episode 14. Number one, four.

Well, guys, it's 2015. I mean, time is passing so quickly. Is it not? Yeah, and what a year that we just... 2015? No. 2014. We lost so many greats.

We lost so many people. Yeah, we did. Jen Rivers. Of course. Yeah. Robin. Robin Williams. Who could forget?

Oh, I thought you meant Batman's partner, Robin. Oh! No, but Chris O'Donnell did die. Chris O'Donnell died this year. Yeah. Tim Allen. We lost Tim Allen. I still...

It's hard for me to... I'm about to cry, so don't... It's hard for me to... Judge. Talk about Tim Allen because... You know, he did so much for cocaine. Yeah, big influence on you in the terms of how much cocaine he did. That you could sell cocaine and then...

Still make something out of it. Still make a lot of money in another field. But in a non-cocaine field. Yeah. Not that acting isn't a non-cocaine field. And he did so much cocaine. Yeah. He not only did so much for cocaine, for cocaine.

But he actually did a lot. Yeah. Of cocaine. He did a lot of cocaine. But he asked for forgiveness. He did. Didn't he? Or did he not?

I can't remember. And we lost Saul Bellows, of course. Oh, Saul Bellows. Who was Saul Bellows again? One of the great writers that I never read. Oh, yeah. I know Mr. Bellows on A Dream of Jeannie. Oh, of course.

That was the writer. No, it really... Yeah. And of course we lost Jeannie Triple Horn. Oh, God. Terrible. Terrible loss. It's crazy to think about.

From basic instinct. Ugh. I mean, you would... I called Gil one day and I said, Hey, how's Ricky Lake doing? And he said, She's gone. She's...

And I said, Wait, God, she had a vacation? He said, No, George. She's gone. She's gone. She passed from us. She died this year.

Wow. Do you want to know three more people that have died this year? I want to know the people. These are exclusives. Okay. So no one else knows about these? No one knows. Okay.

Dominique Wilkins is dead. What? The human... The human highlight film is passed. What? Absolutely. Absolutely dead. Dead is your door knob.

100% dead? You heard it here first. 100% dead. 110%? Anyone coming forward is Dominique Wilkins is a little imposter. I can't believe. I cannot believe that we lost Harvey Keitel this year. Oh.

Harvey Keitel died in 2014. What a terrible loss. But you know, it's... To be honest, we lost him years ago. He died to me after he made the piano. Really? When we saw that little piano... His in the piano.

That little snub nose. Yeah. That little sort of shot. That sort of... How many films have we seen his penis in? Not enough. Not enough, man. I don't know.

I don't know if I'm going to go to the airskers this year because so many of my pales are gone. Oscar Isaac, an up-and-coming star. He passed away. He died in 2014. Oh my gosh. Just right before the release of his film, a most violent year. Ugh.

And it was for him having succumbed to death. How did he die? He succumbed. He succumbed? How? What happened? He fought. He really fought it.

His hair grew inside of his face. His hair grew inwards. You can't have that. Full head of hair. When you see a guy with a full head of hair, they got to be careful because that hair will grow inwards. That will go in. Yeah, it's the opposite of a haircut.

Suffocate his brain. Yeah, so the hair wrapped around his brain. Hair works both ways. Strangled his medulla oblongata. It absolutely crushed his brain. And all the money in the world, and he was... He was rich. By the end, he was a millionaire.

He was one of the two films. Richest men in America. One of the richest people in the world. But at the end of the day, when your number's up. Those numbers that you have in the bank account aren't going to add up. That's right. The number when your number's up. That's right.

And who can... And who... I can't even believe that Diane Verne's first in... Oh, no. You're kidding me. DVF. And we wonder how Barry's doing with it. Marilyn Manson is dead.

Marilyn Manson. No. This is just in... This is my news. Wait. You're getting this... On the newswire? I had a feeling on my way over.

Yep. I can't believe... All the songs that he could have sang. All the goth... Dark goth songs that won't be recorded now. I'm an uninformed person, and I know he's responsible for Columbine. So, I don't... Maybe it's not a loss.

It's not the tragedy that I'm thinking of. All the survivors of Columbine passed this year. All of them? The T-coats. The T-coat moth. Remember when they won that Oscar for that song? The Trenchcoat Mafia won first. The three Trenchcoat Mafia.

Yeah, yeah. Tarantino. Hot out of here for a shrimp. Tarantino. It's gonna be hard out here for shrimp. What was that? The jib jab we submitted. That was the jib jab.

This is what gets me. In all this death, I want to talk about this. We made a jib jab that was... It's hot out here for a shrimp. For a shrimp. For a shrimp. And... Not even a word.

Not even one view. Not even one view. It's crazy. It's crazy how much they ignored us. You guys can view it yourselves and you would rack up at least one or two. I can't watch my own stuff. He's so... I'm so self-conscious.

Oh, I get it. I get it. So self-conscious. Yeah. Yeah. My God, just the terrible losses we've suffered this year. And then this year is for us New Yorkers and we are real New Yorkers. You are.

And we'll be doing a New York signing of the new Tuna book, Tuna Head Companion. And we'll meet... You know, we'd love to meet all you girls, you Tuna fans. Come out in your shirts and we'll sign everything. Yeah, I mean, it's the private parts, Howard Stern level. That's what we want. That's what we want. So you want women to be showing their breasts.

We want mid-90s degradation. Just big, stupid boobs. And stupid behavior. I want early boob jab boobs. You know, where one looks like a bowl and the other one looks... The other one's staring off like one of Cosby's eyes. Cosby, what about him? We lost him, huh?

That was tough for me because people don't know... You know, Gil Faisan is... I took my ex-wife's name. Yes. His married name is Faisan. Franny Faisan. Franny Faisan was my wife's name. Yes.

What's your real name, actual name? Gil Cosby. Gil Cosby is your name? Yeah. And so we were getting letters when all this came, you know, when these innuendos came out and that's what they are. And that's factual. We got...

I'll get to that in a moment in case anyone's interested. I don't know. We would get letters, you know, open house, real estate and we, you know, that was to Gil Cosby. The U.S. Postal Service. Absolutely. Regular mail. Just regular mail.

And I love it. Old school brother. You ever see that movie, The Postman? No. Oh, with Kevin Costner. We lost him this year. We lost Kevin this year. But that's the upside of anger.

As I said, it is a memorial that I planned and Gil came to. Right. I'm amazing. He was a real baby boomer. It's interesting when you watch something like the Oscars or the Emmys, when you see all these people and you go, oh, that person died too? That person. That's what this is like for me because I didn't...

And they tell you to hold your applause, but there's really no need because the good ones are at the end. Yeah. And the beginnings is a bunch of people from the fifties that he's behind the scenes jerks. I don't give a rat's about. You know, but the upside of all this is that Mickey Rooney died. Yeah. Yeah.

That's good. Yeah. Boy, because that was uncomfortable for a while. He was going to hurt somebody. He had a little gun, you know. He had a little duffel bag with a little gun. Someone was telling me he was on the Conan O'Brien show and he's talking about how five of his ex-wives were murdered and Conan O'Brien brought that up and he said, oh yeah, murder.

That's such a weird thing to say. You know, for even him, we can remember the good times. Even if he was a pissy little shrimp, no talent, tap dancing, little shrimp. Yeah. It's good for the Inquirer though, a Mickey Rooney death because they were running that Michael Landon one into the ground for years. The Inquirer has a certain few individuals they feel comfortable reporting on. You Michael Landon's, you Mickey Rooney's, you Dick Clark's.

Remember when he grew out that hair because he didn't want to cut it like Samson? Oh, and that's where all of his power derided. Michael Landon. Right. And how did he die? Too much hair. Too much hair. That's the thing.

He strangled his own brain. Yeah. That's how Samson died. Popped off, right? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah. Samson L. Jackson. Is that why Moby is constantly shaving his head, do you think? It absolutely is. And that's why Moby will live forever. Yeah. Do you know that Moby, if you look at him, we like to call him in a Moby because he looks like an amoeba with those little tadpole eyes.

A lot of people don't know Moby is an immortal and it's been alive for thousands of years. He's just got popular recently. It's the tea, sister. It's that sweet iced tea he makes. It's the worst thing that he ever did getting popular because now all eyes are on him. He is pretty white hot right now, so he probably wants to turn that knob down. He's very white. He's also white.

Yeah. Yeah. He's also white. All right. What a jerk. All right. I ran into him. I'd whip his CD at him.

The one CD? We're just angry because we saw him down. I have play. We saw him down at the Lower East Side when he had a tea shop and we went in there. We said, where's Mr. T? And then he threw us out. Really? Physically?

Yeah. He said, guys, I don't have time for this. I said, you stooge. I got cash me sweaters older than you that I could buy and sell. I had to sell my sweaters. So I'm so sorry to hear about that. You seem very cold. You're shaking a little.

You know, that's actually- My hands, you know, are big stones from the bottom of the ocean. Real bad circulation. And he's, you know, Jude St. Giglin is actually going to be telling this story at the moth, which is just in his closet. It's a bunch of moths. He's just telling it at the moth. And I tell them a non-written story.

A non-written story with a poorly, you know, hastily finalized ending. You were going to get back to Bill Cosby, you were saying. What's going on with this? Well, you know, it's- It's tough. It's tough stuff. Yeah. You know, because we were saying, I guess that just leaves the only other show.

Yeah, who knew that family matters would age better? At the time you look at it and you go, this is the crappy one between the two. And you know why I'm comparing them. What about something like 7th Heaven 2? The legacy of that is gone. Well, that guy's luckiest day was when the Cosby stuff. Stephen Collins. Stephen Collins, yeah.

Like he was Gary Condit and Cosby was 9-11. Wiped his schmutz right off the windshield. No one cares about him anymore. No one cares what he did. Who knows what he did. And we could find out. One might argue that Cosby was doing this allegedly with grown ass women. And you know, so Stephen Collins is worse.

You know that Stephen Collins is not Harper Collins. Oh, sorry, never mind. Not the book publisher. Not the book publisher, never mind. Stephen's a friend. I should say that now. Stephen's a friend. Where did you meet Stephen?

We had a WB pitch and we kept the parking pass. So we'd go every day. And we'd lean on his one car. And he would come out and we'd, you know. Any indication back then that he had these proclaimings? Of what I was up to? No one knew. No one knew.

No one still knows that I'm the Riverside Park stranger. What? What? I'd go jogging. Okay. Not hunting. Okay. I thought you misspoke.

I misspoke. Yeah, okay. Just now. So, and we're not murderers. No, you guys are not murderers. You want to go on record? You want to go on record this thing? I absolutely do.

Okay. Would you testify to that, you know, court of law? They said don't testify. You know, my guy told me not to testify. I'd love to talk. I'd love to say something to other people that are gathered about me. He's not a carry. Can you imagine all those people there with my name in the paper?

It's tough because, you know, what a platform. We are constantly trying to be in the news. Yeah. Really? What do you do? What did you do this week? This week? What did we wear?

We've been in that. We went to that de Blasio. Oh, with that. I like to call him that de Blincio. Okay. Because he's as good as a blintz. Because he's as good as a blintz fouled with filled with sour cream and fruit compote. You're making me hungry right now.

My gosh. That's how I feel watching him. But we, you know, we turn our backs at funerals all the time. If I, minute to minute, I'm turning my back. If something disinterests me, I turn around. Oh, then you got good again. I turn back around. I've been wondering why you've been turned around most of this interview.

Yeah. It's moment to moment. If I'm into what someone's saying, if not, I turn my back to them. But we love, you know, this de Blincio is not our guy. No. We obviously were catch heads from the beginning. Right. You guys are interested in politics.

Is there anything happening in the, in the political realm? Well, this, there's this Jabush. Oh, Jeb Bush. Yeah, you know. Running for President of the United States. I might, Jeb, Jeb, Jeb. Jeb, Jeb Bush. Jeb, Jeb Bush.

And it's an online parody of the seed is shining sea. Very funny. Yeah. And it's just, you know, see Thomas Howell and, you know, and Charles Nelson Reilly. It's close enough. Sure. Sure. And they, they do a song.

And, you know, what about Jeb Bush though? I, you know, I probably will vote for him because I've always liked the bigger bush. Okay. And those are the, you know, that's one of the jokes that I'm doing at the. Oh, wait. This is from the act. This is from the act. I'm going to be at the improv outside trying to talk to comedians.

Okay. In front of that beautiful mural. Oh. Which I commissioned. LA. Really? You painted that? I absolutely did.

Oh, I love the like. Thank you. Freehand. People kept handing me pencils. I said, no tracing. And she's thinking that just then he got the thickest brush he could. So you would have a lot of trouble with detail for this. You haven't been to LA.

You got to go there. Go to the improv, go to the improv in Milrose because there's a portrait. A beautiful mural that makes comics feel good when they show up. Hey, we're not those monsters. They look good. Anyone portrayed feels horrible how they've been portrayed. And everyone who's not on the wall is furious. And it's great.

All the greats are there. Plus a dolphin holding a microphone, wearing sunglasses. The symbol of laughs. It's like a dream. You guys are big comedy fans. We are big comedy fans. We love comedy. We lost so many comedians.

I can't believe it. Terry Bradshaw died in 2014. Oh, the funniest. He was in that movie. Yep. Leaving home with your parents. So good. I thought he wasn't the dog in Marley and me.

He might have been. He might have been. He might have been. We'll never know now. That's the point. He died before he could tell us. We lost Kevin Nealon. Oh, no.

A dear friend of this show. And to see all those ads on TV now. Oh, the Hans and Franz ads. It's too hard. It's too hard. But you know what? He's making us laugh from the grave. Every day.

He's making God laugh too. The psych's dead. Dead. Dead. God must be laughing so hard right now. All these great comedians. You gotta make God laugh. He's laughing.

Sorry. I killed all these fucking idiots. I'm the world's worst mass murderer. He's probably constantly cackling. Yeah. He controls all of things. Did you guys read that Robin Williams, Billy Crystal thing that he wrote about, a little play he wrote about how Robin Williams is putting on his performance up there in heaven?

No. Oh, you gotta check it out. Oh, we haven't read a word of Billy's in years. I'd love to. It's something you guys would really be. It sounds really cool. And I really want to read it. You know, there's a certain type of person that's never not cool.

And God. You know who the coolest comedian still is? Who? It's Bill Crystal. Bill? I mean, this guy. This guy. He turns it on, lights up a screen.

He, tight little smiles. I like when he tells a joke and then he smiles at the audience like, yeah, I know that was funny. Oh, this is my favorite. Why couldn't it have been 1400 Sundays? Did we say, we said that already? We did a matinee once. We did actually get 1400 once because we did, we did a matinee of it.

She came back in fake badge. We have investigations. And we went in and three and a half shows. Yeah. We did 1400. And every show, and I got to say this, Scott, every show was exactly the same. Yeah, was it? And that's the mark of a professional when they know what works and what doesn't work.

And he got annoyed, is interesting. With my candy wrappers, the same look each time. Yeah. Which is kind of a, could you please? But I love all my little suckers. What are you like? I have hundreds of little suckers in very dense, yeah, very dense elephant. I get these seas candies.

And he gets all the small ones. The key is, if you get a small one, they last shorter. So you need more of them. You need more of them. You get all these seas lollipops. Do you think candy companies could come out with wrappers that don't make noise when you open them? Like Velcro, not Velcro because that would make noise.

Like Ziploc. It's the wrapper that doesn't make noise. That's the show. That's the show. I don't know what show you guys... It's the wrapper that doesn't make noise. It's a mute hip-hop artist. Okay.

Like the old man in arrested development, Tennessee, that old man that stood in the background. He never spoke because... He's doing the candies. Okay, good. We've hit on it. You know what show... I mean, do we want to talk about this or do we want to talk about this? Because this is...

We could talk about it, certainly. We're all talking about wrapping candy in toilet paper, right? I think so. Because if we are, I think... You're in? Well, I want to talk... I want to talk bathroom and not humor. I want to talk about...

For the folks out there, people on the Guilfaisan starting, you know, another career, a little bit. What? You know, I got a lot of homemade remedies. Okay. You know? Like for ailments? For everything.

You know, I've been pastrami-ing my toothpaste. What does that mean? Smoked toothpaste. So you spice it and smoke it? You spice it, you smoke it. And yeah, exactly. You curate the toothpaste and then it's got nice little things that get stuck in your teeth.

Okay, that seems to be doing the opposite of what toothpaste is meant to do, which is cleaning teeth. Exactly. What was his name again? Malcolm in the middle. Malcolm in the middle. And then what's the other one? Who is the political activist who's also a...

I think you're thinking of Malcolm 10. Malcolm... Malcolm X? Malcolm 10 was a movie. Malcolm 10. So the sequel to Malcolm 9? Yes. Which I never saw.

I saw Malcolm 10. I said, what the hell happened to this guy in one through nine? That he's got this much of a chip on his shoulder. One, four. Ah, yes. Yes. Too much tuna, of course. Too much tuna.

Fantastic. Well, we have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to be counting down 14 and 13 in the next segment. No, sorry, 13 and 12. I misnumbered them on many minutes, so that's why this is not going right. We're going to be hearing episodes 13 and 12 in the next segment. Did you misnumber them all the way through? No, just in this episode.

So I'm going to have a lot of trouble, but when you hear us on Thursday, I'm going to be locked in. All right, let's go to a break. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang. Oh, as we come to the end of the year, you know what that means. This is your last week to get your Christmas mattress shopping in. That's right, spending all day in that holiday traffic trying to get that special Christmas mattress.

And then when you get the Christmas mattress, the worst part of it is the gift wrapping it. And, you know, they have someone there at the mattress store who's going to gift wrap it for you, but still it takes all day. They're just too giant and too big. Well, guess what? Lisa mattresses has done away with all of that Christmas hassle. That's right.

Lisa is like the Tom's shoes or Warby Parker for mattresses. They've done away with all of the Christmas mattress buying and the gift wrapping and what they do is they get rid of that mattress showroom experience and they created a luxury mattress that's ordered completely online and ships for free to whatever doorstep you wish it to be shipped to, to which you wish it to be shipped. That's better. And it's not giant. It's compressed into a box the size of a miniature refrigerator.

That's right, a mini fridge. Wow. How does Lisa do it? I don't know. I don't know what the technology is. I don't know what scientists they hired. I would assume it's, you know, they had to steal away the scientists from some major corporation like Apple or something like that.

And they said, no, he knows how to shrink mattresses. I don't know how they do it, but they did it for me. They can do it for you. It's a 10-inch mattress. It comes in all sizes, meaning widths, I would imagine. Is it widths or is it depths? It's probably widths. Heights?

No. Widths is the king, the queen, the California king, the twin, all that kind of stuff. Anyway, it comes in all the sizes. It's crafted with three unique foam layers, including two inches of memory foam. That's foam that remembers and remembers who's sleeping on it. So it's like, it's smart technology that if someone like some Goldilocks lays down in your bed, alarms immediately ring. I would imagine that's what memory foam is.

It has two inches of really cool latex-like foam called a Vina that's perforated. No one else thought to stick holes in their mattress until Lisa, but they perforate it to keep you as cool as the other side of the pillow. And Lisa gives you, get this, 100 nights to try your mattress risk-free, risk-free, 100 nights. That's almost a third of a year. That's like almost four months there. And for every 10 they sell, they donate one mattress to a shelter.

So go to lisa.com slash bang bang. We're talking L-E-E-S-A dot com slash bang bang. Enter promo code bang bang at checkout and you are going to get an unbelievable $75 off. That is right. $75 off what is already an inexpensive yet amazing mattress. And I'll see you in the new year. Comedy bang bang, we are back here. Comedy bang bang, we are back here.

We have Paul F. Tompkins on the ones and twos. I'm only on the twos today. Oh, really? Yes. What happened to the ones? Well, it's a long story. Do you have time? We got to know them but time.

Okay. Wait a minute. We have to actually count down our comedy bang bang. Are you sure you know the time for this story begins? I woke up. Wait, when? I woke up this morning. Oh, this morning.

Okay. I might have time because this is relatively early in the morning. If you just recount in real time, by the way, it'll just be about three hours. I woke up this morning. Okay. I like to lay in bed for a little bit. Just surf my iPad, see what's going on in the news, maybe play a little plants versus zombies.

Who wins? The zombies win every single time. If they win, we all lose? What is it? Yeah, that's right. If they win, we all lose. The perfect tagline. If they win, we all lose.

Whoever wins. God, what's up with my referenceometer today? I may be intentionally getting some wrong, but not that one. It's hard to tell though, isn't it? It is. It's hard to tell for you. Am I an idiot at this point where I just can't remember anything? Are you being willfully ignorant or?

I think a lot of times I can't actually come up with it, so I say a thing that it might be. I just blurred out the thing that it might be. Like a placeholder. Knowing it's wrong. Yes. Yes. Someone will rush in with the correct thing.

Yes. Someone will help me. Someone will save me. I took a shower and accidentally struck the number one from the numbers. What? There's no more number one. There's no more number one anymore? No.

How are we going to count this down? I don't know. It's going to be anticlimactic because we're going to get to two and then that's going to be it. And it's just going to hard cut out? Yeah. Oh my goodness. All right.

Well, keep listening. Now I want that to happen so badly. Keep listening. And just put number one online. All right. We do have to get back to our countdown and let's get to it. This is episode number, your number 13. Number one, three.

All right. Number 13 and okay, the last number 14 came from January 12th. Number 13 is coming from January 5th. Not one week before. That's before. Or one week before. It is before. Yes.

We're time traveling a little bit. So it can go that way. Yes. They don't have to go in the order in which they were required. Okay. That's good to know. Otherwise that would be very anticlimactic. It would just culminate in last weeks and it would be 15 before that.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Good. Okay. Good. All right.

How would that system work? Where if one got votes and then it was like, well, that gets knocked out because this one comes along. There's a more recent one. There's a more recent one. I mean, if you're interested in that kind of countdown, just listen to them in order. And probably they're probably good that way. They probably get better and better as they go along as we get more experience.

The 7,000 hours. Is it 7,000? 10,000. 10,000. Oh. I wish it was 7,000. I jumped ahead of some of my peers on that one. I'd love to have 3,000 extra hours.

Oh my gosh. Think of all the Blu-rays I could catch up on. About 1,500 of them. All right. This is coming to us from January 5. This is episode 327, two before our previous one, and this is Bang Bang Into Your Mouth with Ben Schwartz and Horatio Sands. That's right.

By the way, I have a theory about the voting. I think some of these ones with catchy titles are easier to vote for when something takes fire like Bang Bang Into Your Mouth. We sang it over and over during this episode. So that's a moment that people can seize on immediately. And go, oh yeah. I liked that one. I remember that.

So too much tuna. People know too much tuna. So they voted for that. Bang Bang Into Your Mouth. I think the more simple the title is, we based the episode titles on something that is either done or said in the actual episode. And some of them that are very complicated, sometimes that does not work out. Sometimes it does work out.

A complicated title sometimes just strikes people's fancy. But a real complex title like, is y'all my daddy? People are like, I don't remember anything about that. That's why it was so high up, because it's very easy to remember, oh yeah, that's the one where professor stillwater or JW stillwater finds his daddy. Not high enough. Not high enough. I think you'll be pleased with this countdown, though, don't worry about your pretty little

head. Don't worry about your pretty little head. I worry about it sometimes. This is Bang Bang Into Your Mouth, and let me explain what's going on. This is our first episode back after the break, which two weeks from now you're going to hear our first episode back from this break. So this is our first episode back from the best ofs of last year. And it's been our tradition on the first step of the year, coming back from the break,

to have two people on it, and that's Ben Schwartz and Horatio Sands. They have done it, I believe, now for three years. This is their third time in a row. The first one back. Ben, I think, had done it one before Horatio, I think. So it was his fourth. And we'll see if it happens for a fifth time when we come back from the break. But these guys have improvised together a lot.

Ben is very ebullient. Am I? Ebullient. Is it ebullient? It is. It shouldn't be. What's more ebullient sounding? Ebullient or ebullient?

It's obnoxious. It's obnoxious. Ebullient. Who wants to say that? I want to. I'm striking from the record. I want to say, oh. I guess we can't talk about it anymore.

You get the number one. I get ebullient. I had an English teacher in my senior year of high school who just passed away recently. Oh, I'm so sorry. And he was a great teacher, but he was like a caricature, like a movie version of a really intelligent, tough teacher, like a John Hausman type of like very standard deliver type. Well, not tough in that way. He did not.

Oh, okay. Not an Edward James Olmos type. Not that way. He was a little too kindly, I think, Edward James Olmos. Oh, was he? I never saw it. This, yeah, apparently. Like a dangerous mind situation?

No. Not a woman. I'm going to say, not a woman did not sit in a chair backwards. The one thing that Michelle Pfeiffer is known for in that film. He was very pointed and very brusque and very paper chase type situation. Yeah. Like John Hausman. Like I fucking said at first.

John Hodgman. They get mistaken for each other a lot, don't they? Sure they do. But he one time asked us, his name was Dr. Horn, and he asked us Dr. Thomas Horn if memory serves. And he asked us, what is the most beautiful word in the English language? And then we all had to hazard guesses. Right.

What was the most beautiful word in the English language? No. Wrong. What were some of the guesses? Incorrect. What were some of the guesses? Oh, like Kite. Kite.

Kite. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. That's right. Mr. Horn? Dr. Horn. Dr. Horn, I'm so sorry.

Is it pussy? Would you have been kicked out of class for that? We're winning this story for me. Yes, it was a Catholic school. You absolutely would have been kicked out of class for that. So he says no, no, no, no, no. And then he even says, I will tell you what the most beautiful word in the English language is, Vermillion.

Oh, the color. Yeah. It's not a beautiful color. It's not a beautiful color. It's a fine color. It's fine. It's fine, but nothing special. But verm.

It has verm in it. It's like vermin. Yeah. Yeah. It's a heartbeat away from vermin. Yeah. Vermicelli, which means like worms. Right.

Yeah. Come on. Get out of here, Dr. Horn. He got all the way out of here. Oh. Dr. Horn, teachers are our most precious resource, and we thank you for your service in creating Paul F. Tompkins as we know and love him today. I hope they play that as funeral.

Probably. Or they have a new funeral every year, and they play that at this year's. Why can't you have a funeral for somebody every year? Why do we have to just forget about people? Yeah. I mean, a lot of people say, let's have the funeral before you die, you know, like to hear all the nice things. Tom Sawyer style.

Well, of course, people are going to be nice. Yeah. If you're there. If you know the person standing there, you're not going to be honest about it. You got to fake your own death, Tom Sawyer and Huck Finstile, or if you're going to renew your vows, if you get married, why can't your widow or widower renew your funeral every so often? Renew your funeral.

He still did. Every like five years. What if you had to renew your funeral in order to make them stay dead? How many people would actually do it? I think it'd be half and half. Would you come back to life? Like people would come back to life if you didn't renew your funeral. How would you come back to life?

Would it be like, I zombie? I. It would be like, respect my neck. No, if you, if you came, if a person came back to life, if they didn't renew a funeral, I bet half the people, which I believe that joke, by the way, this is getting back to Adrian Brody on SNL. Look it up if you haven't seen it. You know what, let me, please do look it up.

Please look it up. Please look that up. One of the great joys of my life is watching that occasionally. I'd seared into my brain. We watch it all the time, but I believe he says, he thinks it's so funny that instead of saying respect, they say respect, that he then goes to my neck as a rhyme. Oh, I love it so much. He's banned from SNL forever.

You're banned for saying respect. The last thing I want in my live shows, unexpected things. You know what though? I'm on his side on this one. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. It is terrible. Absolutely.

But lift the ban on Stephen Segal. Come on. Lift it on him. He's a great guy. I think, I think, and I truly believe this. I think Adrian Brody should be banned from everything after that. Like, you know, going to any, going to the Oscars, I think people should be like, uh-uh, not today, man.

What about those razor commercials that he did with Audrey? Oh, especially those. Don't get me started on those. DGM is. Oh, that was, you pulled it out of the last minute. I really appreciate that. That was such a go. All right.

So let's talk about Bang Bang into your mouth. Of course, when Ben Schwartz is on and we, you know, we have several nicknames for him that he hates. Benny Schwa. I think he pretends to hate him. Yeah, that's right. He likes it. But we talk about his show House of Lies, which I always get confused with House of

Pies, and people send him pictures of House of Pies continuously on Twitter, which he complains about, but I think he loves it. And so we'll hear a little bit about that. And of course, when Ben and I get together, we love to sing together as do you and I. That's right. And then Horatio playing a, I think it's a new character, but all of his characters are kind of the same at this point in a way. He confuses them too.

They all have, at one point, I think he came on as one character and thought it was a different one. So this is a new character, but very similar to other ones. Uncle Stoney, Uncle Stoney, a druggie from the 60s, I believe. He drops by to talk about his life. So we'll hear a little bit of just me and Ben, and then we'll do a time jump to when Uncle Stoney comes on. So here we are.

This is your number 14. Number one, three. We have two great guests. It is tradition to have these guys on in the first episode of the year, and I believe it's been a tradition to have Ben on in the first episode of the year for now three, four years, something like that. At least, by the way. At least.

Oh yeah, every year I've done House of Lies, so I was looking at these four years. Which premieres this Sunday on Showtime. It's final season. It's not, it's final season. They're wrapping it up. And by the way, you said the name right, didn't you, what did you say the name was? You said the name. I never said the name.

We don't even have to talk about it then. So House of Lies, 10 p.m., I think we're probably up against the Golden Globes. 10 p.m. Showtime, PytownMD. By the way, you got the, you got the network right, which means that you probably think I'm on HB. Oh. But you're not on HB? No, I am, I'm Showtime.

Oh, okay. Boy. You got the network right for the first time ever. What was in this show? You have Terran Towered from Iron Man. No, that's Don Cheadle. Keep going. Let's see you the other two.

You have, you have Dax Shepard. You have his wife, Kristen Bell. His wife. His wife. And then you have a bunch of no names. And you? Josh Lawson. Josh Lawson.

I'm watching no names. That's so mean. Did you say Coleslaw? No. Who did you say? Who's on this show? Josh Lawson. Oh, okay.

That's weird. Benny Schwartz. Hey, comedy bang bang into your mouth. Comedy bang bang into your mouth. Do you guys know that's what that's about? Bang bang into your mouth. You know you want it. Everybody wants to listen to Scott.

Everybody wants to. Everybody wants to listen to Scott. Everybody wants to. Into your fucking mouth. Bang bang into your mouth. I got it. You know what, when we do a changeover from Reggie to whoever the new person will be, I got to have him record exactly that.

That'll be the new. Can I ask you a Reggie question or not on the air? Ask me on the air and I'll answer off the air. Is that true? I don't know. So I just heard that he's going to be the music guy for the late, late show. Yes. The later, later, later.

So does that mean that he can't do comedy bang bang into your mouth? He's going to comedy bang bang into your mouth. You know you want it. Everybody wants to listen to Scott. Everybody wants to. Bang bang into your mouth. You got to bang bang into your mouth. Everybody wants to listen to Scott.

Everybody wants to. This is interminable at this point. That comes out on Sunday. The final episodes, you're wrapping up all of the threads, all of the plot threads. No, no, no. But I will say this. This is if you watch the show. If you don't watch the show, give this season a shot.

Nope. Don't say. Nope. We won't. I haven't got a hay penny. This is a very big season for me. My character gets to do a lot of dramatic stuff, which is really cool. Give us some of your dramatic acting.

Okay. Give me a scenario. Okay. So you're there at House of Pies and they're all out of pie. Okay. House of Lies and maybe where the consult goes poorly. Okay. Sure.

This is what it is. What do you want, honey? Welcome to House of Pies. No. Can I stop? Can I stop? Okay. Excuse me.

You're on break. Go ahead. Take a break. Okay, honey. Thank you, honey. Okay. I'm taking over. Hey, what do you want?

A rutabaga pie? You want a Boston green pie? What kind of pie do you want? Cut. Cut. What kind of pie do you want? I'll find rutabaga. Can I have a rutabaga?

You what? Big hunk a man. Okay. You're a big dick. You're a big dick. You're a big dick. You're a big dick. Okay.

I'm not saying anything. Okay. I'm not even saying anything. You have a refill on your coffee. I'm fine. Can I say some lines? We're all out of pies. What am I supposed to order?

You sausage-filled maniac. What? You sausage-filled maniac. I want you. Oh, God. I'll have a rutabaga pie. We're all out, I told you. What do you mean, you're not working?

The opposite of your dick is not working? The dick not working? Unseen. So you'll see stuff like that. The craziest thing I did when I was high? Yeah, like the highest you ever got, what'd you do? I put my bird in the freezer. Oh, wow.

Oh, no. Was he already dead? No, he froze to death. I'm not happy about it, man. Do you want to put some tissues in your mouth? Yeah. What kind of bird did you have? I had a cockatiel.

A cockatiel? Yeah. A cockatiel. Did he die? Yeah, I used to say he had a cockatiel daze. You know, like a long little bird dick. He had a cockatiel daze? Yeah, cock four days?

Cock four days. Did you also admit that that didn't make sense? I did. I didn't like it at first, but then someone said, I think if you put four in there, it'll make it better. And I did, did you? But I thought, yeah, I put the bird cage in the freezer. Wait, you put the whole cage in the freezer?

I thought it was my frozen- It was a hot day. I thought you had air-conditioned the cage, I'm sure. Yeah, I wanted to put away my frozen White Castle burgers that I'd buy at 7-Eleven. I have a question. I don't know if this is you. There was a stony in the paper that he froze a series

of different animals by mistake. Oh, I read this paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the Sacramento Bee. The Sacramento Bee, B-E-A. Yeah. So did you- Yeah, different from the real Sacramento Bee.

Yeah, totally different. The B-A-E? Yeah, the Bay. The Beyonce? Come get a Bay! Come get a Bay! The Beyonce spelled a totally different way, but her paper is spelled B-E-A.

Beyonce. Beyonce. It all makes sense. It all tracks. Can you think of one Beyonce song right now? Go. Yeah. You got, uh, put it on the corner.

Put all my stuff on the corner. Nope. Nope. I have one. Go. What do you got? God, Sony, do you sing? For the single ladies.

For the single ladies. Oh, keep going. For the single ladies. For the single ladies. Oh, nice. Wait, keep going. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

So I put my bird in the freezer. Wait, so you were trying to freeze your White Castle burgers? And I got so dabbed up that I thought my burgers were the bird, and the bird were the burgers. Yeah. Oh, no. And, uh... So the bird was in the freezer and the entire cage, and then you hung up, what, like a shopping bag of White Castle frozen burgers where the burgers?

I talked, yeah, and I was talking to it and hanging out and feeding this bag of burgers. And what's even weirder is that like at midnight I woke up and I'm like, oh man, I want to have some burgers. So I went and got the bird and ate it. Oh, no! Oh, bones and all? Oh, yeah, I mean, I was high. We cut off our nose at the perfect time.

You were super high. Yeah. Can you give us another way to say, oh, no? I want to see if we do it again. Say something else isn't terrible. Say something terrible, yeah. Um, okay. I lost half my foot on a train track in Arlington Heights, Little Noi.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, shit. True story. True story, man. And I have a wooden toe. I have a wooden toe and I keep...it's like a little dugout. I keep weed in there.

Oh, wow. Cool. My toe splits up and inside I have like the weed and you could smoke it from the toe. Oh, wow. Cool, man. That's actually pretty cool. Yeah. That's the coolest thing maybe.

We don't need our toes. Do we really need our toes for anything? I don't think so. As far as I know, nothing's different for you not having a toe, right? Uh, well, I can no longer long jump. I used to long jump for a while. Oh, I didn't know that. And it turns out you really need your toes to just spring up, you know?

Oh, wow. Yeah, I didn't think about that. So I'm no longer eligible to represent the United States and the Olympics. So you're an Olympian. Uh-huh. Yeah, man. A lot of us do smoke weed stuff. Yeah, someone just didn't...what's his name?

Michael Phelps got a DUI or whatever. I mean, that's different than smoking a bowl, I would imagine, but... No, because when you smoke bowls and drive around LA, it's cool. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. It's like it doesn't affect you the same way. Yeah, when you smoke... Like, when you're high, you can drive, right?

It's not like being drunk. Absolutely. You drive better because you're like, that's something we should be seeing on the podcast, you know? That's how I feel is like when you're drunk and you're driving, it's like, you're like, oh, you drive better because you're like, I don't want to be stopped by the cops. I'm going to be actually careful. Let's not say these things on the podcast.

There's a lot of young listeners. I get a lot of young people kind of saying they heard the CBB. But it's true, though, when I used to drink and I would see four lanes of traffic. You'd be like, hey. I would just close one of my eyes and drive that way. And it really worked out well. Yeah. You used to be an Olympian.

You used to fly helicopters. You told me in the lobby? Yeah. That's insane. Black Hawk Down. Wait, in the movie or in? Yeah, I crashed it down. Oh, that was your job?

Are you by mistake? No. Well, they thought we got shot down. But in the actuality, I was trying to reach my... I was trying to get my bowl. Oh, no. And Black Hawk went down. Oh.

Oh. What? Bang bang into your mouth. Now, you were telling me, Uncle Stoney, though, you have a brand new project that you're really excited about. I could not wait to hear about it. You know, and it drops tomorrow, so I really want to hear about this. Oh, yeah.

You're talking about laser food of the gods. Laser food of the gods. What is that? I've never heard of it. Well, we're going to watch this 1974 film, Food of the Gods, where it's H.G. Wells, where he turns... H.G. Wells, the writer? H.G. Wells wrote a movie.

Or H.G. Wells, the movie company. He wrote the book, and then he made it a movie with... Okay. And then the rats, they eat this stuff, and they get big. Okay. And everything gets big. So it's like, chicken eats this stuff, and it's like... It's like in the second floor window looking in at a girl changing her top.

We got it. And then we have laser lights, like, you know, like in tune with the language and the dialogue. Oh, but not the background music? No. No, just the dialogue. And most of the animals, when they get big, they just look through apartments and naked women changing? Who knew that that's what animals wanted to do so badly?

Yeah, and what they did was they used... They put rats, like regular rats, on top of like a Barbie house. Oh. And that's how they'd save money that way. Oh, so they didn't actually grow the rats? Because that would have been too expensive. I don't want to ruin it for you, but yeah. They didn't.

No. They're coming out tomorrow. So that comes out tomorrow? Where can people see this? In every one of the major cities in the U.S., you were telling me. Yes. Yeah. Dayton, Ohio.

You sing. Is there a favorite song? Tucson, Arizona. Do you have a favorite song to sing? Eugene, Oregon. Oh, wow. All those places. Yeah.

Yeah, the biggest towns. Those three. Arizona. Zizix, California. Wow. I love that town. Z-Z-Y-X-X. Meet you at Z-Z-Y-X.

Z-Z-Y-X. New Mexico. You know, more than the laser food of the gods. You were telling me you have something really exciting. You're really excited about it. Funnier than that. Even better. That's coming out on Wednesday.

Yeah. We'd infuse tampons. Oh. We'd infuse tampons. This isn't a bad idea. Yeah. Okay. You give it a nice, heavy indica.

And it's sort of heavy for the woman's body through their mucous membranes. Oh, wow. That would go so quick because there's so much blood. Very quick. And so when they're suffering the trauma of their period, they put in one of these tampons. Uh-huh. Uncle Stoney's SNL Tampons. Why is it SNL?

I just think that's a funny show. I like those guys. Oh, we were just talking about it. Yeah. The package is going to have all the guys from Debbie Downer in it. Oh, wow. Breaking. Right?

Yeah. I know. They're not wearing distinguishable costumes normally. They're just like people in suits and dresses. But you'll know who they are. You'll know. You'll know by the way they're sitting. Okay.

Great. You can tell by the way they sit. Around a table? Sitting around a table. Breaking. And the one looks very much like Lindsay Lohan. Oh, okay. So it's pretty cool.

Oh, wow. And these tampons, they come 46 in the box. 46? What a weird number. We're supposed to put in one every minute. What? What? Every minute?

You put one in every minute. And then you take out one every minute? For 46 minutes. No, you're supposed to have forces just like a guy who can fit all the cigarettes in his mouth. He's supposed to have a line of 46 tampons going from your vaginal passage to all the other things. And we guarantee that you will no longer suffer any of the pain or the discomfort of a period

after 46 minutes. Wow. My gosh. Yeah. How much does it cost? Surely it's expensive. No. Oh, how much?

$16 a tampon. Wait, so 46 of them though, I mean, that's a lot of money. You're talking about 700. 400. About 800. Yeah, about $800 a box. Well, listen, you guys, I don't know what a period feels like and I don't want to pretend to know, but I guess it's not good.

If you could switch places with a woman. Which woman? A, which woman, but B, would you? I would. Wow. Which one? Which woman's Tony? Joy Behar.

Joy, but why Joy? Because she has a great sense of humor. She's funny. She gets it. She gets it. Uh-huh. She does get it. She has her own show now.

Is that the only reason? Just she has a good sense of humor and she gets it? That's that. I mean, what else? I mean, she's great. If you had someone to love, that's what you're looking for, right? If I could change places with anyone, I would change places with someone really good looking because that way I could see what that was like.

Well, no, she is good looking, though. Yeah, we weren't trying to shit into her, but she's, you know what I mean, like maybe a young, hot model or something so I could be like. Like who? But then if you're that girl, would you be into yourself? Maybe. I don't know. Do I have the same brain?

That's my question is, I don't know. That's the thing. Do you have the same brain when you switch bodies with someone? Because I think you should switch. Well, let's call. I know a doctor. Oh, hello, Dr. Conwell. Hey, Conwell.

I didn't even ring. Hi, Dr. Conwell. Though he knows you're a scientist. Wow, you're just sitting there right by the phone. Hello. Hey, it's Ben. Oh, hello, Benjamin. How are you?

I got my friend Scott here. Hey. How is House of Skies going? House of Lies. It's doing very well. Sunday's at 11. 10. Sunday's at 10.

Let me hear that again. Is this about a shop that sells prints of Skies? I called you, man. No, it's House of Lies. It's about management consultants. Oh, I'm going to watch. I'm going to tell Martha to put that on the DVD. Demetri Martin is on this year.

We've had three years of chances to watch. I'm going to have Mary put that on the DVD. I was Mary, by the way. Oh, she's wonderful. We have a question. Yeah. Hi, Scott, by the way. Hello, Scott.

You ever watch Comedy, Bang, Man TV show? I do not. Well, it's all right. But I listen to the podcast every week. Oh, so you do know me? I do know you, yes. Oh, wow. So this is a big moment for you.

It's a weird way to say you do know me. I'm a big fan of the show. Oh, cool. You ever listen to Solo Bolo? Nope. But I heard that there was a character on there the other day, a clumped tissue car over there. No, no, no, no.

A boy who ejaculates out of his mouth. Nope. And constantly has no tissue. No? No, definitely not. Well, how may I help you, Ben? So you didn't listen to Solo Bolo because that would be like a violation of Dr. Klein privilege.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's right. You know, all of his business is his business. Thank you, buddy. And I put it in the computer and it's very safe, Ben. Thank you, buddy. I appreciate it. You're welcome to do this.

Thank you, dude. My question. You need more. All Valtrex? I need a lot more Valtrex. All right. Let me write that script. You said you've never done drugs.

Is Valtrex not drugs? I mean, it's a prescription drug, but not if you're abused. Can I snort it? Is that something you can snort? It's a cream. You can snort anything. Valtrex is a cream. I'll take it.

Snort a cream. Well, it could be in cream form. What happens if can I make me super? Do you have any things that I could put on my body that will make me super power, super human? Yes. Wow. What are these noises lately?

It's track 15. Oh, track 15? Yeah. Well, that's all we wanted to know. All right, man. Take care, dude. Take care. All right.

Clear holidays. You Jewish, right? Too late. Too late. Too late. Too late. It's already January. Your piece of shit.

I want to bang, bang into your mouth. Number one, three. Oh, yes. Well, so good. So, so good. So good. So good. A little bang, bang into your mouth.

You know you want to bang, bang. All right, you've had enough of that listening to the clips. All right, let's get to, did I say it was number 14 last time? Because it was number 13. See, this is already catching up on me. Oh, man. We're going down to what, 11 on this one? We're going down to 11.

Up to 11, yes. All right, we're halfway there. Halfway home. All right, let's get to number 12. Number one, two. All right, this is your number 12. We're jumping ahead in time a little bit to May 18, episode 351. From January to May?

That's right. Whoa. This is, we were breaking off another half hundo, episode 351. And this is an episode. You're counting half hundos now? Yeah, I certainly can. Interesting. Okay, all right.

I believe on the half hundo we had Andy Richter and Andy Daly together. I feel like it lessens the impact of the hundo if you're counting the half hundos. You're right, you're right. I'm so sorry. I will not do that any longer. Wow. I'm very pleased with the result. Take it a little sip of water.

All right, here we go. This is an episode called CBB the Movie. CBB the Movie with Hayes Davenport, Sean Clements. See, now it's funny about the titles because I didn't remember it by the title. They rolled into the back of your head and you dropped to the ground. All the way. Are you filming? I had a little tiny seizure.

Now, if we had come up with some sort of interesting catchphrase in that that it had been titled, maybe people would know what it was. But this episode was so popular it transcended the somewhat generic title of CBB the Movie. Right. This is an episode starring the guys from Hollywood Handbook, which is a very funny podcast. One of my favorite shows. So funny. Now, I first met them.

I just heard they were UCB guys. They wanted a show on the network. And they wanted to do, their show started out as something called the reality show show because they love reality shows, especially the MTV challenge. Yes. And I met them at a coffee bean by my old place and they pitched me the show. And I didn't really, I heard they were really funny, but I didn't get a sense of it necessarily. Oh, they're terrible in conversation.

Not funny. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that. I'm saying it. They're the worst. I have great conversations with them. Really? Yeah.

No, thank you. But I didn't get a sense of what their sense of humor was. I was just like, oh, I hear they're funny and they want to do a reality show. Let's do it. They stopped doing that show and they started doing this show, which has become just one of the more interesting shows on the Ear Wolf Network. Just a wildly funny show that has rabid fans. And I knew I wanted to have them on the show because their show wasn't getting the love

that it sort of needed to get. It was one of the tinier shows on the network and everyone was talking about how it was the most fun show and so funny. Interesting. You say not the love that it deserved, but the love it needed to get. Interesting business perspective. Well, it's not, I mean, needed to get in the sense of like. To continue.

No, it deserves it. Another way to phrase it deserves that love. You're saying it's on the bubble. You're saying it's on the bubble. Oh, we're not canceling it. And in fact, we don't need to anymore because it's doing great. Good. So what happened?

You're welcome. I don't know what you did, but okay, great. I started having Hayes and Sean on to read ads with me because I was so fun. I would be, for some reason I would be either recording on a Saturday. They record their show on Saturdays. I would be recording on Saturday or I would come in and have to do ads and they were always around. They would always come in and do these ads with me and these ads turned into like sometimes

like 10 minute long ads. They're so long. They're really long. So long. But they were so funny and I feel like if you're an advertiser, you're getting 10 minutes. Of course. You know, so they were doing these ads with me and I was putting them into several episodes trying to prime the pump for like, okay, now you got, you know, these guys' rhythms.

So when they're on the episode. Rhythms. Rhythms. You know their rhythms. Their rhythms. Hear them now. Their rhythms. Now that they're on the show, you kind of like know what they do and you're, you're ready

for it. And that's, that's kind of what happened here. I finally had them on the real show. We, we kept saying their advertisements were an audition to be on comedy bang bang if they were funny enough. And of course they were way funnier than me on it. And so this episode has a lot of fans. They, they, I mean, no, no, Scott, of course you're hilarious.

For the listeners, Scott was staring at me pointedly. Yeah. After, after he said. Boring into a skull. That's exactly what I was doing. I may also have been looking at my notes here. And he kicked me out of the table. That's true.

And I'll do it over the table if you don't straighten up. So they have a lot of fans, a lot of rabbit fans and they all voted for this. And some of their, their people who, you know, this is just a really great episode. What they do on, I asked them what they wanted to do on comedy bang bang, that was sort of inspired by their show. And a lot of times on their show on Hollywood Handbook, they do these improvised film scripts on their show. They say they're reading a film script that they read, that they wrote.

And then basically they just improvise it there on the spot. So that's what this is. They said that they wanted to quote, read unquote a script that they wrote about the Airwolf Studios. So this is us just improvising a movie script on the spot. They brought in a couple of really funny improvisers, Ben Rogers and Haley Huntley. They're both in this as well.

So this is what we're going to hear. This is your number 12 on the countdown. Number one, two. So you, you, you've made a comedy bang bang movie script. We made the comedy bang bang movie script, Scott. The one. And what started as sort of a fun project, I think has become a very real money making possibility for everyone in this room.

Yes. And we should introduce the other people in this room who are sort of part of our management shingle. Yes. Funny comedy managers. Funny comedy managers, obviously part of Wolf Cool Productions, which is our sort of internal. Oh, you guys have your own shingle from Wolf Pop and Airwolf. Yes.

We do Wolf Cool. And that is a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes, which we just think is so good. And I don't know it, but I've seen the back of pickup trucks. So I'm aware of him peeing on Steelers. Yeah. Those, those are actually illegal. Those are unauthorized.

Sorry, but Bill Watterson doesn't care. If, okay. If that's true. It's very, It's notorious for that clue. Bill Watterson. Big fan of Calvin and Hobbes. Yes.

Was that his dad? No. Okay. Next time you're reading Calvin and Hobbes. You think of Susie Durkins? No, no, no. Next time you're reading it. Yeah.

Look up slightly to the right. Okay. That's Pogo. No, no, no. You've gone too far. Okay. Hang on. I just want to read Pogo real fast.

Okay. Go ahead. We'll wait. I did not like that. Look a little bit down from Pogo, in between Calvin and Hobbes and Pogo, in the blank space. Okay.

You see some letters. Where Mallard Fillmore used to be before. You see some letters there. You know, not the ones that say Calvin and Hobbes. Yes. But look to the right of those. Foxtrot. No.

You've gone too far again. Okay. You need to go back, back to the left. Now I'm reading the news. Okay. You know what? This may be a hopeless case. Anyway, what do you guys have?

You have a script. You have a full length feature script. We have a script. And to help us read it, we have a couple of... Our company players. Our company players. Sort of our repertory, re, re, re, re, re, um,

our actors. We have, um, Bang Rajman is here. Mmm. Professional actor, Bang Rajman. AKA Bang Rajman, AKA Rad. Thanks so much for giving me this opportunity to perform.

Thank you. You helped us out with the live show that we did. You read an ad for us that we got in trouble for. Got arrested. Yeah. So we're not allowed to do that again. Bang Rajers. Bang Rajers.

That's right. Yeah. Okay. Welcome to the show, Bang. Hey, thanks for having me. I'm very excited. Okay. I was going to say, are you excited to be,

but you are excited. He covered it. He covered it. I'm excited. I'm here. And thank you. Okay. And you can introduce.

Because I don't want to. It's weird for Hayes to introduce his own daughter, but Hayes' daughter is here from Spring Break, and she's spending some time with him, which is so nice. It's Haley. It's Haley. Who, what's your stage name?

Halley. Halley. Okay. Your stage name is Halley Huntley, but your real name is Haley Davenport. Haley. People say Haley, like, sounds like Hayes. But did she take Davenport or did she take Brooks last name?

She took Brooks last name. Okay. Haley Shields. Oh, okay. Now, when you say it's weird for you to introduce your own daughter, have you never introduced your daughter to anyone? She's supposed to introduce me. Oh.

It's cute. You know, not anymore. She's a little old for it now. How old of a daughter are you? I'm 20. Okay. And so, when she's like a cute little kid, like, she walks in front of me and says,

oh, I'd like you to meet my, this is my dad, you know? And you had that speech impediment implant that made you so cute. And now you don't have it anymore. I don't. I talk just like everybody else now. So, let's get to this script. What is happening with this?

Well, hopefully it's being made. Well, let's just read it. Let's just launch into it. Everybody get your copies and read it. All right. And you've divvied up parts, I assume. Well, you're going to play. I'm going to play.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Very good. And we, yes, we've divvied up the other parts. Okay, here we go. And it'll all make sense in due time.

Okay. And I'll just read the lines as they are written. As they're written. Okay. Yes, exactly. Like you would do it. Okay, but put my spin on it. Okay.

But read them as written. Well, we're going to be doing notes after the scene, so we'll see what happens. Okay, great. So, interior, the ear-wolf big studio lights up on a bustling studio space. People running by with papers and talking on the phone. It's a lot.

It's a bustling bustle, but everybody's having a good time. The new intern Trapsen enters with a confused look. I hope I'm in the right spot. I rode my bike here. He's approached by a young but have a job producer who is cute but hot, Nancy. Oh, you're in the right place. Trust me.

It always feels weird at first. The vibe between them is immediate. They look in each other's eyes and have a sensation of knowing each other forever. Why did he write, ah, in the middle of that sentence? It's very weird. It's got to feel natural, conversational. Yeah, but in the states directions?

No, no, no. That's the best place to put stuff like that. Okay, this is like if Mamet wrote states directions. Is that your real eye color? Yeah, they're purple. I know it's unusual, but I got it from my mom. Thanks for noticing. Most people don't.

You look like you like jazz. The music or the dance? Both. You nailed me. You guys, you got to get in here for the big pitch meeting. Already? Everyone rushes in to Scott's office. It's got a lot of animal heads on the wall.

They looked like they were really happy before they were, you know, Scott is sitting at the front of the room. He's got a look on his face like he just ate something that he was by accident. Oh, God. Oh, God. Did I say all those words right? By the way, hasty.

Yes, yes, that's exactly right. It was all phonetics. Yes, yes. I really wonder if that was perfect. Yes, that was good. Okay, thanks. Mr. Scott, it's me, engineer Cody. Remember you promised if I had a real great idea

you'd let me have a podcast? Engineer Cody, not ringing any bells. No, I'm one of the engineers. I'm the one who's a fucking problem. Oh, yes, I've read about you on the message boards. That's right. Anyway, I think I did have a good idea, but I forgot it.

Well, engineer Cody sits on the floor and begins trying to eat his own butt. Well, engineer Cody, maybe we can jog this memory out of you. Trying is actually a bad word. He's doing it very successfully. I never noticed how long your tongue is before. That's incredible. To reach all the way back there without the usage of a spoon.

To me, that's just normal tongue stuff, man. Sure, well, we all have our weird idiosynchronicities. Hey, don't have a cow, dude. All right, all right, all right. No need to quote classic TV lines to me. Uh, is everyone... Okay, well, you're still in the realm of the Simpsons. You could move on to other shows like Nightcourt.

Sorry, I'm late for the meeting. This is my first day as an intern. My goodness, look at your eyes. Yeah, they're purple. Hey, thanks for noticing. Hey, do you like jazz? I had the music or the dance. The vibe between them is immediate.

The person. Yeah, I love jazz. The person, of course. Yeah, the DJ. Yeah. Trapson immediately forgets about the person that he met earlier. Doesn't even remember her name. Much like the narrator.

Hey, I love your... Who are you talking to, Cody? I just saw this new intern come in. I love your eyes. They're the same color as the jerseys for the Utah Jazz. Yeah, that's my favorite basketball team. That's crazy. The vibe between Cody and his own bud is immediate.

I just got to finish something up in here. God, something called a bell pepper. Cody, I wish you would do that in the other room. Put it in here about a month ago to pickle. Man, these animals look like they were happy once. Yeah, they were. They really, really were. So you guys ready for the big pitch meeting?

Everyone gathers around for the big pitch meeting. They're all excited to see who Scott is going to pick for the first pitch. All right, the gosh. Who should I pick for the pinch? Well, on the one hand, I like your eyes. On the other hand, you're a woman. Hmm. This is a tough choice.

Eyes woman, eyes woman. He's looking at the wrong people as he says these things. Wait a minute, I'm just looking at Cody. Can't blame you. Cowabunga. Tell you what, whoever speaks first can have the first pitch. Here's that food somebody ordered. I'm sorry, somebody ordered some Thai food.

A very Americanized Thai man enters the room. Yeah, I've noticed that you have some sort of gruff New York accent for a Thai person. Oh yeah, I'm from Thailand. But, you know, I learned English. You learned to speak by watching repeats of NYPD blue? That's right, yeah. I watched a lot of NYPD blue sip wits and whatnot. Yep.

Well, I remember that episode when he had to show his butt. Oh, do I? That's my screensaver. Wait, what are you saving your screen from? So it doesn't freeze and stuff. Oh, okay. Do you want to be, I don't know if this is weird to say, but best friends? Yeah.

Like the vibe between you and I is immediate. I do too. Do you? Like jazz? Okay, are we talking the type of music, the dance, the basketball team or the person? Oh, I'm talking about the dog. Oh, the dog! I forgot about him.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, you don't? All right, well, here's the food. Wait a minute. There's no dog in this food, is there? I better move my car. Just a word on improvisation. The stuff about Asian people eating dogs that you improvised there.

Look, that's the one thing that I really wanted to do. Not really our movie. Okay, I'm sorry, but I had to put my own spin on it for one line at least. That is definitely a movie. You really threw me for a movie. It's a movie though, so you have to admit that. Yes. It's content.

I just want to say that at my school, Temecula College for the Arts. We do a sort of different kind of improv where really like it's anything goes. Oh, I'd love to do some of that. That's not really... When you say that to him, he gets into stuff about the stuff that different races eat, you know? I mean, that's kind of, I'm excited about this. I mean, what could Italian people eat, you know? Oh gosh, I shudder to think what you think they eat.

I mean, probably salads with like a layer of dressing underneath a plate. That's... What a nasty stereotype. While we're out, I didn't realize I was going to be reading some of these lines with your daughter. I feel like the relationship's a little inappropriate and it gets extremely sexual. Do we want to jump to that scene? I was going to say we should probably... Let's jump to that scene now.

Do you want to hear some of that scene? Yeah. What page is that? This is page 77? This... Yeah. This is the first act break. Yes.

This is a long script, by the way. It's 326 pages and we have not finished it, finished it, but we're close. Let's cut to page 77 here. Yeah, you said this was seen as appropriate because my daughter... I said it was inappropriate. I said I didn't... Let's judge that for ourselves once we hear it. I'm saying don't worry about it.

Okay, yes, don't worry about it. All right, here we go. And action, is that what the director said? Yes, interior bedroom. Nancy walks into the bedroom taking all her curves with her. Trabzon looks her up and down. Sorry, the power's out. Well, looks like he got enough candles to get us pie.

I've got enough candles, but it's still not warm enough. Maybe we can turn up the heat. Let me ask my roommate if she'll leave. No, tell her to stick around. I'd really be more comfortable leaving. Do this for me. Okay. I do like all your forks.

Hey, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. These guys are being squares. They want us to leave. Let's go watch some NYPD Blue reruns. What do you say? Oh, okay. Why do I love you so much?

You're such a fucking dunce. Well, I could kick to the head by a mule. Yeah, I know it. I love you for it. You always were hanging around mules, and that's what I like in a woman. The very Americanized Ethiopian man who was speaking takes his girlfriend out of the room,

and it's time for Trabzon and my daughter to do it. My daughter disrobes. Oh, you look beautiful. It looks like no man's ever touched you before. The two of them hit each other like the Crash Test W car in a brick wall. I want you to call me dad. I can't call you that.

She does it. Dad. Listen, sometimes back at the studio, I feel like no one listens to me. I feel like I'm the producer. I'm the head of everything, but I'll sit quiet for an entire pitch meeting, you know? I'll just play with my phone and pretend

like I've got something to do. Here, take off my bra. But I don't. I'm just scared to talk. Oh, God, your body feels so good. Thank you. You should be more confident. And speak up for yourself.

Call me Hayes. Nope. She does it. Hayes. Dad Hayes. All right, number 12. You know, that was a funny episode. Yeah.

I laughed a lot during it. Yeah, LOL. I did. I left a lot. I actually did laugh a lot a number of times. I remember I listened to this in the car on a, I was working somewhere and I had an hour. Look at somewhere.

I don't know. What I really am curious as to how in your brain that became approximate amount of syllables has been a while. I was working somewhere. I was working somewhere. No. Had kind of deridum.

Had deridum on. It didn't. I think there's something wrong with your brain. It had deridum. It had deridum. Speaking of deridum, we'll get to that story about you driving around in the car by yourself. No, I listened to my, it was like a,

like some miserable drive that I had to make early in the morning and it was a long drive and I listened to that the whole way and it turned my day around. Oh, that's so nice to hear. And that's why we do this show, I think is to turn people's day. And that's why people do comedy in general, I think, you know, to turn, to turn those frowns upside down. That's really why I got into the business is the frown upside down biz.

Oh, I'm trying to fill a hole inside me. Oh, okay. Really? Oh, it never will. It'll never get filled. What was that caused by? Ooh, let's see. Teachers like Dr. Horn.

Dr. Horn, tough but fair. D. Vermillion. I'm not backing him on that one. Botulism. The most beautiful word. Syphilis. Syphilis.

HIV positive. Syphilis is actually a pretty word. It is. You know what else is? I think it's called chlamydia. Chlamydia. Chlamydia. Oh, my.

Evergorn. My darling chlamydia. We have to go to a- My darling chlamydia. Speaking of darling chlamydia, we need to go to a break. Let's go to a break. A chlamydia break. When we come back, we will have your number 11.

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Are golf clothes the worst clothes of all time? Is that why they say even golf clothes? Like, look, we're even doing golf clothes. I don't know. I don't know what is going on with Bonobos. But you can look stylish. You can feel comfortable and pick your perfect fit from slim, standard or tall. Guess which one I'm doing?

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How have we established that? I just want to nip it in the bud before you get started. You know me too well. Yeah, because you're going to run this into the ground. Oh, I'm going to run it into the ground. Oh, I'm going to run it into the ground. What is this guy? I don't know where he came from.

Oh, I'm going to run this into the ground. New character. No, that will destroy my throat. Oh, my God. I mean, Jarl's already. Jarl's is actually easier to do. By the way, was Classic Jarl's, it's inception, it was this year, right? Yeah.

We're not hearing any Classic Jarl's clips on the countdown, I'm afraid to say. Even though he's appeared, he has appeared in some of our top 14 episodes. We're just not hearing those clips. Are there no bonus? We're not doing any... We will have in a few episodes down the line, we're going to have something, but we're not doing bonus. This took up so much might...

What? Not doing what? Bonus? B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B bonus? Ah! Okay. This is the last episode whose clip we're going to play in this episode of our best ofs.

This is your number 11. Number 11. Number 11. Number 11. Now this comes from, again, we're going all the way back to very early in the calendar year. This is February 16th. Back to February.

This is right around Valentine's Day. What episode do you think this is? So romantic. This is episode 335. 335, this is probably the St. Valentine's Day massacre comedy style. No. No? Of course, this is our special Valentine's Day episode.

This is the wedding of Gilly and Gary. So he's pretty close. This was, of course, our beloved PFT here. That's right. This episode was in this episode as well as Gilly and Jacobs and musician Colin Hay. That's right. Dropped by and participated. This was a very fun episode for me.

I love playing with Gilly and she's hilarious and she's so much fun. People would know her from Communite. Communite and the Incredible Bird Wonderstone and the upcoming Love. That's right. On Netflix. On Netflix with Paul Rust. That's right. Rusty.

We'll be talking about that in the new year. Can I tell you a quick story about Paul Rust? Yes. My wife, Janie, and our friend, Cynthia. Cynthia had a party at her home and Janie was there and so was Paul's wife to be Leslie. He was getting married soon. It was very soon. And Leslie said to Janie and Cynthia, oh, you guys should come to our wedding.

And then we were not invited to the wedding. You should just come. Just come on. Just drop in. Well, no, we don't want to, like, you know, whatever, crash your wedding and, you know, whatever. We know, like, because everybody had been married. It's like, we know that that's-

She was having a good time with you at this party and was like, yeah. I wasn't there. I wasn't even there. This is just Janie. This is just Janie. JJ. JJ Abrams. JJ Jonah Janie.

My wife. So Leslie's saying, no, please come. It would make me so happy if I looked up and I saw you guys there. Please just come to the wedding. And so Janie tells me this, like, we're going to go. And I'm like, are you sure about this? Sounds weird. Yes.

And I really, I said, was she drunk when she said this? Like, no, she doesn't drink. She was totally sober. She was very insistent. Like, you guys should come to the wedding. I'm like, I don't know about this. And so it's like a month later and the wedding is happening. And so they, they're very excited.

Janie and Cynthia and Cynthia and Cynthia's husband, Mike, like, let's do this. We're going to crash this wedding. Like, okay, guys, okay, let's do it. So get all dressed up, meet it and Mike and Cynthia's. And then on, on the way from our house to Mike and Cynthia's house, five minute drive. I'm like, if the, like dread is mounting, like, this is, we should not do this. We should not do this. Albert Brooks and Broadcast.

Exactly. I'm sitting on my jacket. And so I, I get into their house and I say, I'm really having second thoughts about this, about doing this. Then like, come on, it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. We'll just go and we'll leave after the ceremony. Had anyone sent any kind of email reminder of like, hey, we're still going to crash your

wedding or, or. Yeah. Those guys had. Oh, okay. No, no, no, no, no, not to Leslie. Not to Leslie. No, no, no, no. Not at all.

Just, just, just to us. To each other. Wait to do this. Oh boy. And so they say, come on, it'll be fine. We'll leave right after the ceremony. So we're not like taking up any food or drink or whatever at the, at the reception. Like, okay.

There's always leftover food and drink though. No, I know, but it's. You know, but it, but it's, if you, if you, if you have been married and you've, you've thrown a wedding. And I pray that you are. Well, if you've invited more than 10 people, you know that it's like, it's a pain, you know, and it's like, it's not, it's not so much that it's pain, but it's, it's. Dang, you're impressed.

Pains. I was like, what is that? So we, we, so they, they convinced me. So we go to the wedding and my, ideally what would have happened was we would get there one minute before it started, watch the ceremony and then leave immediately. So we get there. Paul shaped hole in the wall. Exactly.

And you can see by the outline of my body. I did not take any food or drinks. Is that a hot dog? That's just, just his weird hand. In a carnival theme wedding. So we get there. And of course the wedding is not starting on time because no wedding starts on time. Sure.

Except for one. Who? Sarah Altman. Oh, that's right. We pulled up as they were walking out. Nerd poker cast member, Sarah Guzzardo. Oh my goodness. Her wedding started exactly on time.

Exactly on time. We, and we got there at, say it started at six. We got there at six, 17 and they were, they were coming out of the. I was the efficient of that wedding. Oh boy. I saw you guys. And we, we got there and they're walking out and we're like going up to the valet and Kulap's like, drive.

I'm like, what? What? She's like, war it, mister. All of a sudden I'm the wheel man. And so I had to drive around the block and she's like, just keep driving around the block until like they go back in and they can't see that we got there late. And they took pictures. And they took pictures.

And Kulap was just like, there's no way around it. We're going to have to, and she was, she's environment. Yeah. Who cares? Yeah. So we get to the, we get to the, the place where the wedding is going to be and it's, I'm so self-conscious. Disclosed location.

We don't want any of you fucking weirdos going around sniffing the seats. That's right. So we get there. And of course, because I know Paul, I don't know him well enough to be invited to his wedding, but I know him. So, and do you know, do you have any idea if he knows that you were asked to crash? No, I have no idea. I have no idea.

No one has been in touch with the lesbian at all. So I get there. And of course there's a million people that I know from just around, you know. And I feel so self-conscious because I feel like everyone's looking at me like, I don't, I didn't think Paul knew all that well. Weirdly, weirdly, you and I never crossed paths during it. I kept going, where's Paul? Maybe were you avoiding me because you didn't want to.

No, I just, I saw you. I saw you. I saw you walk in. I was like, oh, I got to make my way over to Paul. And I never got over to you. Here's why. Because we could not stay still. We kept moving around.

We're just trying. Like nervous energy. Yes. Because, and now this was great. Now they're all nervous too. Like as soon as we got there, we're like, yeah, guys, this was a terrible idea. We're all very uncomfortable. And so the, at the one point, the wedding is getting ready to start.

And so we go kind of sit in the back and then, um, and usher somebody, you know, from their party comes over and says, oh no, we want people to sit closer. Like, no, we get up and we go hide. And now I had shot stuff there in this venue. Yeah. I shot the sheriff there. What about the deputy? No, the debt.

That was a different show. Oh, okay. Um, and so, uh, I said, let's, you shot. She's the sheriff there. Yeah. Look about this. Yeah. Of course.

Many times. Many times. I'll give you that one. So I say, let's go downstairs. There's a bar downstairs. Let's go check out the bar. Cause I used to film speakeasy there. Right.

Oh, really? Not when I did it, but, uh, no, no, no, no. The bulk of speakeasy we shot at this, at this bar. And so we went downstairs and we're like kind of looking around. And then we emerge from this little room and we see Neil Campbell, best man, Neil Campbell, who gives me a look of absolutely surprised of like, I don't think so. Really? I don't know.

I can't, I can't judge it. I'll check in with him about it. Then we turn around. Then when Neil like looks past us and we turn around, we see the groom, Paul Rust. And then there's nothing. He looks at us so briefly. And in my mind, it was a look of the fuck are you doing here? You didn't want to be a distraction, I'm sure.

I'm sure he has way more things on his mind. Way more like, you know. He's not even seeing a face. No, no. He's just like, am I going to cry? Am I going to cry? He's out of his mind. He's out of his mind.

So, but it felt, it felt horrible. It felt horrible. So the wedding begins. And so we're sitting, et cetera, et cetera. Paul enters with his, with his mom and dad. Very sweet. They kiss him and leave him at the altar. Leslie enters with her family.

My wife and I stand up. Right. No one else in the entirety of this. And by the way, I saw you tweet about how, you know, you're the only one who knows that it's polite to stand when the bride comes in. That was the second wedding I'd been to that week in neither. That's crazy. No one did.

It was us and one other person. I think it's a new thing or something where people don't stand. And I, I, But how does everyone know? I don't know. I think no one wants to do it. Maybe. And so if, if no one is going to, but I also think that there are certain people who

lead that kind of thing. Like, is this one of these ones where we stand? Guess who it was not. It was not us. Right. Well, you were in the back. No one, we were in the back. If you had been in the front, everyone would have done it.

Someone who was close to the front, who was the only other person that stood was Michael show Walter was the only person and he, and he and my wife, he and my wife made eye contact, like shrugging shoulders. Like what's, why are people not getting up? And we stood for the whole, the whole long entrance of Leslie to the altar. And then we sat down. I thought about it and I was just like, why does anyone, who cares if anyone stands? I was happy to sit.

I'm, I'm fine with who cares if anyone stands, but I just didn't understand. You want to know. How does everyone know this? I couldn't figure it because I had just been to a wedding five days earlier or so that no one did and there was no expect it because it was an unconventional wedding. And I think I was in that headspace where I was like, you don't, I did, but I've been to this, this is the year that I went to, I believe nine weddings or something. Wow.

Wow. And at every other one we all stood. So I don't know what happened in the brain for that particular week where people are just like, fuck this. I don't, and I've been the efficient at a handful of weddings now. I've never had to tell people and now please stand for the bride. People just did it. People just do it.

People just did it. I think there is usually, if they want it, there's usually someone who initiates. Yeah. As in, hey, we're all saying, but you know what is worse? And I made sure I was the officiant at a wedding this year myself. What is worse is I've been to a wedding recently where no one said, please be seated and people had to stand for, for a lot of the wedding. It was so.

So they didn't get like, okay, when they're set, you can just sit down. Well, yeah, yeah, because the person just launched into the thing the minute like the bride went there and everyone's standing and no one wants to interrupt. It was really bad. Now, very quickly, as the officiant at a wedding, have you dealt with like wedding parents, wedding planners and stuff like that? There was a little bit of that where I was trying, I never met the wedding planner until maybe an hour before the wedding and I was trying to kind of give them the feeling that

they were really stressed out about what I was going to do. Oh, yes. And I was trying to give them a feeling of like, I'm a professional. I think I am going to be fine at this, but they, I think they're used to dealing with, you know, regulars, non-coms. Yes, of course. All the time. Probably.

People who aren't used to speaking in public and they were trying to like drill in me what was, but I can get my blocking, you know, and like remember it right away. Every time I've done it, I've been treated like garbage. Yes. By the wedding planner. I don't want to say that in case someone knows who the, I don't think anyone knew that person. I'll say it to my friends. They treated me like garbage.

It's long enough now. Right. I think the most recent one was two years ago. They treat you like an idiot. They treat you like you're a bus boy or something, like the hired help or whatever. Exactly. Yeah. Hey, here's how it is.

Stupid. Where are you going to stand? You know where you're going to stand? Yeah. One guy, the last time I did it, a guy on the staff grabbed my upper arm to move me somewhere and I said, hey, what are you doing? He's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. This is top kids. He realized, well, no, he didn't know I knew who I was. Oh yeah, I realized I crossed the line there. Well, you know, stress is so high of like, you know, they're hired to make sure it goes well and they can't have some jerk just going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, so I understand a little bit. But I feel like there should be some indication that I'm going to be that way before you treat

me that way. Like if I'm showing up and I'm clearly a competent person. True. True. But I also think that we're used to getting direction. Being an actor sometimes is like that. It's almost like the army where you'd like take direction and you just like, you're able to memorize that stuff really well.

Right. And so when they say, okay, you're going to go up at this point, you're going to make a right, you're going to move the mic at this point. I was just like, uh-huh. I just checked through it in my mind and said, okay. Right. But I think most people are not used to taking blocking or taking direction like that. That could be true.

But let me, do you think, that could be true. Do you think it's that? You don't get to do it on your own. You son of a bitch. It's based on something the other person says. I don't even care what I was going to say now. Technicality no down boo over. There we go.

All right. We do have to get to our next episode. Technicality no down boo over. Technicality no down boo over. Here we go. This is episode 12. This is the wedding of Gilly and Gary. All right.

Let me give a little backstory here. Gilly and Jacobs agreed to be on the podcast a few years back. I don't think anyone agreed. Well, I don't think any of us knew her necessarily. I think we had done thrilling adventure hour together, but I didn't speak to her. Right. So I reached out to- I had met her before the podcast.

I think you had met her. Yeah. But I had been on thrilling adventure and was like, oh, she was really funny. And so I reached out to the thrilling adventure guys and I said, hey, do you think the two bends? And I said, do you think she would be into doing my podcast? And they said, yeah, probably. I don't need to go through every fucking step of this story.

It seems likely that she would. Jesus. Knowing her as little as we do. She seems game for stuff. But she came and she did an episode. Did you do the first episode she did? I don't recall. I think that I did.

I think that you did. And she was really funny. You guys were really funny together. And she became a regular. And she hadn't been on in a year when we had done this episode. And the year previous, usually when she's on, she does it with your character, Gary Marshall, who's the creator of Happy Days and Livern and Shirley and director of Pretty Woman. And we've set up, it all came about very organically.

We set up a romance between she and Gary Marshall, where she is sort of playing a gold digging version of herself. Which is her idea. Her idea. And also not that far from her actual personality I've come to find out. Maybe I shouldn't be saying that. Maybe it's me. And so we had set up a year previous that she and Gary Marshall would get married on.

What are you doing? I'm trying to look. What are you doing? I'm trying to look her up on the Ear Wolf website. So I can see what her first episode was. And I accidentally, with my thumb, I hit play. I bet you did. On an embedded podcast.

By the way, turn the ringer off. My ringer is off. Okay, we're going to get to an episode where it was not. So forgive me for. Fair enough. Life's been one shot. I've been listening to that episode three times. All right, Scott.

You win this round. So we promised that Gilly, as we call her and Gary, would get married on Valentine's Day. A little backstory. Gary's wife, Barbara, he put her in suspended animation. So it is legal for Gary to get married again. Gilly had mentioned several times in these clips that she is a recent multi hyphenate because she just directed a documentary. That's right.

And one other thing I should mention is Gary Marshall, we set up on the previous episode has banished back to his own dimension. If he ever answers a question regarding what the chicks will do when they see grease lightning. This sounds crazy if this is your first episode listening to the show, but this is years and years in the making of the improv has gotten very complicated. Now, we also, by the way, Len Wiseman, the director of the underworld films, is also Gary Marshall's friend because they're both directors and all directors know each other. That's right.

And of course, he's a good looking guy in his 40s from a Cupertino California. He went to Cupertino High and that's all there is to know. Oh, and he loves sex parties. Gillian's first episode, August 2011, she was on with Andy Daly and it was the Andy Callahan RN. Oh, okay. And so then after that, you guys were on together. She had such a good time on that one. Then words with friends.

Yep, that sounds right. Was I, I think I was on that one? Yeah, I believe so. And that's where we talked about playing words with friends where she bailed on a couple of games with me. Look, it's been four years. She's been doing a lot of episodes for four years. She's great in it. Then all the rest are with me.

Well, we clicked with something. We clicked. We had a fun click. We've also had a lot of great musical guests on the podcast this year. And this is the only episode, I believe, that's actually featuring one of them in the countdown. We've had stars and peaches, the both. American football. American football, Diane Coffey.

They've all given great musical performances. And a lot of musical people who like Paul Banks from Interpol and people like that who didn't even perform. They just in the Eagles of Death Metal were on a few weeks back and they didn't perform. They're just hanging out and having fun. So in this episode, Colin Hay was in town. I had never met Colin Hay. I'd been to see him perform several times. Colin Hay late of minute work.

Yes. Yes. Who can it be now? Why it's Colin Hay. He was in town promoting a new solo record and we heard that he could do the show. And I thought, I think that'll be a really interesting episode if he is on with the two of you doing this marriage. He agreed, a lot of times the musical guests don't stick around all that long. They'll do their performances.

Some stick around the entire show. And Colin stuck around the entire show doing the songs live and participating, which is great when you get these. Totally game. Very funny guy. And when we heard before the episode started what songs he wanted to do, he let us know what the titles were and what the themes of them were. We decided to try to incorporate those, geez, did I just burp into the microphone? Those musical themes. I don't know, did you?

We tried to incorporate the themes into the plot line of the episode. So we said, oh, okay, that song's talking about this. Let's put it at this point in the plot. We gave it a little bit of a plot line. Very bare bones. And we kind of did that as we went along. As we went along. Yeah, yeah.

So this is Paul F. Tompkins in a tour de force. He's doing not only Gary Marshall, but he's doing Len Wiseman. And the Reverend Parsimony also comes in right before this. And he's going to perform the wedding. That's another character you do. And another character you do comes in and interrupts. So let's hear that. This is the wedding of Gilly and Gary, your number 11.

Number one, one. All right, so Reverend Parsimony, you are ready and able to perform this ceremony. Yes, not willing, but I'm going to do it. Oh, thanks. That's all we need. All right. And would you like, would you care for any music? That's up to the couple. Would you like a processional? Yes, please, please, please.

Ooh, baby, I like your ways and your money and your days and your face and your nose and your eyes and your toes. Oh, Gary, I like the way you do the things that you do when I give you the right pills. Oh, Gary, I like licking your nose. I like seeing your toes all up in the air. Oh, Gary, I love you so much. She loves Gary.

I love Gary so much. I got a new will made already. You give me all your money. I got your kids to agree to the new will. I get your money. I love you. Oh, Gary, I love you. She loves Gary. Gary, I love you.

Okay, this is long. All right, is that enough? Gary, do you want to sing a song to me? I mean, I feel a little vulnerable right now. Yeah, Gary, do you want to sing a song? I hadn't planned on it, but I guess I'll do it. Colin, can you give him some music? I think Gary wants to sing a song. Give me a backing track, I guess.

Hey, Killian. Yeah. I'm going to marry you today and make you my wife and then we're going to go away on a honeymoon in Tahiti or a nice tropical island. So let's get it over with. All right. Brevity truly is the soul of wit.

If everyone's done improv singing, then let's please proceed with the ceremony. All right, how would you like to proceed? And what can I do to help? Okay, nothing. Well, I'm the host of the show. There's got to be something I can do. It's a wedding. I've never officiated a wedding with a host.

Should we co-host or what? Someone in the congregation said, what can I do? Usually that's all decided before. Can I help in some way? All right. Weddings are not usually a volunteer affair. It's usually planned out and it's all taken care of. But I'd love to do something.

All right. Why don't you sit there and shut up? There's two things for you to do. All right, go ahead. Will you please join hands? All right. Us two or Colin and I? Yes.

I don't care. You can try. Again. This may interfere with your guitar playing. Not the way this is supposed to go. All right. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here. Did you say gilly beloved?

Why? What are you? I don't understand why you're doing what you're doing. Sorry. I'm on autopilot here. Have you ever done this at a wedding before? No. I've never been hosting a show during a wedding.

All right. Maybe just push the microphone away. All right. Here we go. Dearly beloved, I'm assuming we are gathered here in the presence of Almighty God who looks down on us all. What's that? Gods.

Polytheism. Yes. Thank you. You're all pagan. Why did you ask me to do this service? Why didn't you go with the online fella? I made really a six of one half a dozen of the other. You know what?

Lentil, shut up. Fair enough, but that got me a little hot. Sorry. Go on. I just like you. We are gathered here in the sight of the one true God who make no mistake in looking down and doesn't like any of this business at all and doesn't like the human race in general and just waiting for any opportunity to smash us all into dust from which we came.

We are gathered here to witness the marriage of this young lady to this nearly dead old man. I would like to start with a prayer. Come, canine, follow my ghostly voice. Come, canine, attend me. I love that poem. I wrote it. Now then, marriage is a sacred trust not entered into lightly.

Certainly not on a podcast, but here we are. And you know, the church needs new faucets, so you do what you got to do. Please step forward. Do you have vows that you would like to read or are we going to go traditional? No, no, Trish. No, no, no, Trish. I've got my vows already. All right.

The bride will go first. Thank you, dear Gary. How are you? I'm swell. So excited that our wedding day is finally here. Just make sure you sign that new will. I had drawn up by star Jones Esquire. You're going to get all your money.

Your children are okay with it. I unplugged Barbara from the suspended animation machine. She's slowly dying right now, but I think you're secretly okay with that. The first time I saw you, I thought, gosh, that guy must have a lot of bucks. TV in the 70s and 80s sure was profitable. I love you so much. Your hair is so pretty. And you love me so good.

Yours truly, Gilly. All right. Well, I don't quite know what to do here because if the wife is unplugged from the suspended animation machine, she's not technically in suspended animation. She's dying. She's dying. All right. But dying's not the same as dead.

You might want to have some. But I'm not trying to tell you business. I want to plug her back in. Maybe that's something I can do. Okay, Scott, go plug Barbara back in. There you go, son. Thank you very much. I'll help you.

Now if the groom... Oh, I need your help. Yes, I'll hold the plug for you. If the groom would like to proceed with his vows. Okay. Gilly, the first time I saw you, I thought, that's the girl from TV. Soon after that, we embarked on a whirlwind romance of getting married,

getting divorced, putting my wife for suspended animation, faking my wife's death, revealing that she was alive, then putting my wife for suspended animation. This is the first draft. I meant to go over this. I printed up the wrong one. From the second day that I saw you, I realized, ours was a love that could not be avoided, much as I tried to do so.

Will you please do me the great honor of marrying me so that I will make you rich after my death? What? And you... Well, I mean, you're going to share in my wealth while I'm alive, of course. I'm not going to like that. But then you'll have all of it. Yeah, but you'll have all of it.

Of course you get an allowance while you're still alive. Of course you get an allowance. I'm an old-fashioned guy. As a writer, if I could give you a little punch-up to make you rich. Oh, sure, yeah. Why don't you do some writing for me? Because God knows I never went anywhere as a writer. I don't think you're a writer.

You're just a... You don't think I wrote stuff? I mean... Dick Van Dyke's show, you ever heard of that? Who do you think invented the character of Jerry the dentist? I'm just saying you could say she's super rich when she's dead and rich while she's alive. Rich while she's alive, super rich. Okay, what he said.

So here we go off on a great adventure that will last probably a very brief amount of time. Yes. I love you. Oh, it was painful to listen to and I'm glad it's over. Please take each other's hands once again and you will place the ring on the fingers after repeating after me. Young lady, you say, with this ring, Ivy wed. With this ring, Ivy wed. And then put it on his finger there.

Oh, not so hard. Making marks. Ah, honey, come on, it's on there. Getting into the webbing. With this ring, Ivy web. Good chime in. Famous Spider-Man cover. When Spider-Man broke up Doc Ock's wedding to his Aunt May.

What? All right, pretty girl, we get it. You never read it. Are you telling me that at some point the Spider-Man continuity, his Aunt May's only living relative was going to marry. Dr. Octopus. Super film, Dr. Octopus. And on the cover, Spider-Man came in and webbed up the rings and said, with this ring, Ivy. Did she not realize he was an octopus man?

She did not realize that. He kept the. Or she thought he was sweet. He kept them. That he wasn't a super villain. Just a regular old octopus man. Old octopus man. Yeah.

Mechanical arts. And I bigger pardon, it was the Reverend who said with this ring, Ivy, and then saw the web on the ring and said, web? Oh, so he was, he was, he was about to say, where? Web and then said. Yeah. Okay, let's get to it. Let's get to it. I apologize.

Isn't there something you're forgetting? Don't you usually ask at this point if there's anyone who objects to the wedding? I do that after the ring part. It's more dramatic. Okay. Certainly there will be no one. So. Mr. Marshall, please call me Gary.

Gary, place the ring upon a finger and repeat after me. It's the same thing as before. With this ring, I, the, wed. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Now that you have betrothed one another to each your own, it is only left for me to ask, is there anyone here who knows any reason why these two should not be joined? I'd be joined in holy matrimony. And then nobody ever says anything because it's rude. Sure, of course.

It's too rude to do. So Colin, you're not going to say anything. I'm not going to. I'm not going to say anything. You've got to love the campy tonight. I'm not going to say anything. When you're not going to say anything. So we're the only people in this room.

So obviously, I don't. Stop this wedding. What? Who is this man? I cannot allow this wedding to continue. Alan Thicke? That's right. What are you doing here?

I'll tell you, Gillian, I love you and I cannot stand by and watch you marry this elderly man, rich though he may be. I'm also very wealthy from my television work and also writing those theme songs. And your recent show, Conspicuously Thicke, is that what it is? Arguably Thicke. It's a reality show that follows me and my wife about oops, I forgot that I was married. You're married. Now hold on a second. I've been married several times.

So this is very easy for me to do. Yeah, honest mistake. Alan. Honest mistake. Alan, can I interject? It's incidentally my own wedding. Oh, this will be our first interjection. How romantic.

I have several issues with you, Alan. One. Please list them numerically. Okay, one. You have diluted your wealth through several marriages and divorces. Gary has only been married once and there has been no divorce. That's right. Just a suspended animation and a fake murder.

Barbara hasn't gotten a dime out of him. Two. I said Alan, I'd be happy to marry you if, if, if you will give me all of your son's money and you said no. Well, Robin, of course, has his own career. And his own divorce that he's paying for. And his own divorce. Like father, like son, the apple doesn't fall far.

So, so on and so forth. And that was not my wealth to promise. A man can only promise his own. He's your son. He's your son. You made him. You can, you brought him into the world. You can take him out.

That is true. A father, of course, is legally allowed to murder his own son. By the rule of Cosby. That's right. I'm saying because that's his famous joke, I brought you into this world. I'll take you out. But it was an expression before it was a Cosby bid. He didn't coin that term.

And now there's an unpleasant, there's an unpleasant poll over all these proceedings. True. But he said it on the very first episode of the Cosby Show. Yes. Okay. And on his record. All right. Let's stop talking about Bill Cosby because I think it's a bit of a downer at this point.

I don't know. Well, to each his own. I'm saying this wedding has already been tarnished enough by my presence. Why drag Cosby into this? Please stop saying his name. I beg of you. Sorry. Dr. William H. Cosby.

That does make it a little better. What is going on? Gary, just calm down. Everything's going to be fine. Rub his back leg. I'll give him a little back rub like they do in the theater. Do I still need to be here? Yes, because we're getting married.

We have to say you may kiss the bride in order for this thing to be. That's what makes it legal. Yeah. So I'm willing to marry someone here today. I don't want to marry Alan Thicke. Why? I told you, you don't have as much money as Gary. I've been working long and hard.

Yeah. Long and hard. Six years on community. And what do you have to show for him? I'm tired. A horse sweater? Perhaps a horse sweater. We don't even know for sure.

Two pairs of sunglasses? I would like, you know what? Look, I know I just got here, but is perhaps a horse sweater in contention for tightening up. Thank you, Alan, for being so conscientious. Well, it just struck me. I mean, I've been here for these things. Certainly.

Now, Gillian, while I do lack the creases like wealth of Gary Marshall, I do have a wonderful ranch and property in Canada. Canada? It's beautiful. You're one of the 50 people who lives there. That's 100, please. I'm so sorry. It's a little insulting.

Many of them named Gord. And you've almost met them all? I've almost met every Gord. Oh, I thought you had almost met all the other 99 people in Canada. What's the difference? True. Gillian, what I can promise you is a real life, not a life based on material goods and the shallow pleasures that they bring, but a life of romance and devotion for probably

almost 10 years. Are you still married? Yes. Okay. Bye. Oh. But Gary is married. We plugged her back in.

That's all good. Star Jones told me it was fine. Yeah. Unless your wife is in suspended animation. Oh, she is. Did I not mention that? She is. Why did you have to throw a wrench into my plans?

She fell into our suspended animation machine, which we kept in kids. We were afraid that there was going to be nuclear apocalypse. Well, you're not wrong. We wanted to see, well, there's yet another reason that it's built for two, and certainly you and I could wait out the coming nuclear apocalypse. But isn't your wife already in there? Would you just throw her out of? I mean, you know, there's only room for two, and she should understand.

Well, Gillian. Alan, I feel like I can best explain this to you in a song. Okay. Do you need accompaniment? Yes. All right, Colin. I don't do a capella. Alan, I love you dearly.

You're my passion. You're my heart. You're my sexual partner for life. Let's just keep it how it was. We'll keep having sex, but I'm gonna marry Gary. Gonna marry Gary. He's got more money than you. You're just an actor, Alan, and I'm not into you.

I'm a multi-hyphenate now myself, and I don't want to marry just an actor. You're gross, Alan. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary's got so much money. I love Gary, Gary, Gary. I made my heart out of Gary's money, and now I'm gonna see how the world can be. I'm gonna travel to all the countries I never saw. I'm gonna eat all the wine. I'm gonna drink all the caviar.

I'm gonna wear all the clothes. I'm gonna dance all the dances. I'm gonna sing all the songs and have a romance with Gary. Well, that was certainly compelling. If you don't mind, though, I would like to sing a song of my own. Oh, I see if I could change your mind. Counterpoint. Because you say that I'm just an actor, but you're forgetting that I'm also a songwriter.

Singer-songwriter. And a host. I hosted a show called Animal Crackups. And Think of the Night. And Think of the Night, of course. Singer-songwriter of the Facts of Life theme. What? And the Different Strokes theme.

That's right. You don't know this, and you've been stooping him? You know, royalties. No small potatoes. Colin can tell you that much. You wrote those songs? I wrote Different Strokes, Facts of Life. And Colin, if you wouldn't mind accompanying me, give me something a little bouncy.

A sitcom theme. Well, there's a way to get married and have you cake and eat it too. And that's if you marry me and I marry you. I'm Alan Thicke, the end. Wow, great song. One of the shortest ones I've ever heard. Well, I can only write theme song length chunks. Maybe more than that is Gilding the Ghillie.

Gilding the Ghillie. Maybe that's a good title for this. Gilding the Ghillie. That's truly Gilding the Ghillie. Okay, Alan, let's resolve this once and for all. Let's resolve this. Who do you want to marry? Let's put it to a vote.

Oh, wait, we can all vote? Yeah. Reverend Persimmony can vote too? Yeah, Persimmon's can vote. Okay, so how many of us are there? There is, of course, you have Ghillie. You have myself. You have Colin.

You have... Gary. Present. And you have... Lentil. Lentil. And you have Reverend Persimmony and Alan Thicke. So the seven of us, so this will not be an even vote.

Can they vote for themselves? Yes. What if you cannot vote for yourself? Okay, you cannot vote for... I feel that that complicates things. You cannot vote for yourself. Okay. All right, so here we go.

So let's go around the room. Ghillie, you'll be last. Okay. I'll go first. I... You know, to be honest, I love the love story between you and Gary. I think, you know, I got to vote for him.

Thanks. I vote for Gary. Great. One for Gary. One for Gary. Colin, how do you like to vote? I think that I was in there from the start with Gary. I thought that Gary was a fantastic match for Ghillie.

Thank you. Ghillie and Gary. Yeah. It just has a ring to it. Yes. It's alliterative. It's... Thank you.

Yes. Two. Oh, yeah. You didn't actually say if that's your vote, though. Okay, great. Okay, great. That is your vote. Great.

I just wanted to lock you in. Lentil. Final answer. This is difficult because Gary's obviously a friend of mine and I don't want to see him heartbroken or hurt, but I also don't want to see him taken advantage of by a recent multi-hyphenate. I'm sorry, darling. You just haven't been in the game that long and you don't know about the road ahead. It's very difficult.

Take it from a guy who's a little bit older in his 40s. A little bit. Just a little bit, but I've been around long enough to know. So, although this is maybe cruel to do, I got a vote for Alan Thicke. Oh, one for Alan Thicke. You're on the board. Wow. This is exciting.

This is a squeaker. All right. Thank you, Lynn. Let's go to... It's great for you. It's not a vote for you so much as to vote against Gillian. And sorry, Gillian, to say that. All right.

Let's go to Gary. Gary, who do you vote for? You can't vote for yourself. You can't vote for yourself. I can't vote for myself. You can vote for anybody? No, you can only vote for the two contenders. Oh, boy.

All right. And what's the score right now? Well, it's two for Gary, yourself, and one for Alan. One for Alan. Okay. Let's see. If I vote for myself, it puts me over the top. You cannot vote for yourself.

I can't vote for myself, so that's not an option. An option, so I'd like your vote. All right. Well, I can't vote for myself. The only other person I can vote for is Alan. Correct. I got to go with Alan then? Congratulations.

Alan, we're tied. It's a real bond burner. All right. Alan, I'm going to go to you for your vote. All right. I can't vote for myself. You can't vote for yourself. How many votes are there remaining?

There are three votes remaining. So it's a, I vote then the... Reverend Parseumony. That's right, yeah. And then Gillian. All right. Hmm. I got to make this count.

Well, you can't vote for yourself. Right. I understand that. Who do you vote for? Still, let's think about this. I vote for Gary. Very good. Gary.

Hey, call me Mr. Marshall. Oh, you've angered him. That's right. Yeah, Gary privileges how revoked. He voted for you. It doesn't matter. I don't want... Man.

Don't want his pity. I don't want it. I don't want anything. I don't know. I'm past my bedtime. Why am I still here? All right. Reverend, how do you like to vote?

Well, this is... We're three to two in favor of Gary. This is all, of course, very disgusting. I don't usually vote in these matters. This has never come up. This is the most unorthodox wedding I've ever performed. And it may make me retire from performing weddings altogether. Because as much as I don't want to go out on a low note,

I also don't want this situation to ever be repeated. I vote for Alan Thicke. Alan Thicke, it's a tie. Well, Gilly, it's going to come down to you and who you want to marry, which I think is the best way to decide who you're going to marry. Do the right thing, Gully. Yes, do the right thing. Gilly.

Can you just give me a brief rundown of the candidates? No, no, no. I remember that. Gary Marshall and we have Alan Thicke. No, no, no. Net worth, net worth. Can we just brief rundown? Alan?

Yes. How much money do you have? Do you want me to look up celebrity net worth? Yes, please. All right. Can I get a look it up, Scotty? Do, do, do. Look it up, Scotty.

I have. And this may sound jogging. I have two million dollars. Oh, God. Well, that's a lot of money to have on you. Let me verify. Oh, on you. Yeah, was that not the question?

No, no, no, no. You're net worth. I apologize. My net worth, do you know the number eight? Yes. Have you ever seen it lying down on its side? Oh, you cutie. I've got it, by the way.

All right. I am. Alan Thicke. Worth. Now this is, I don't know. I usually on a podcast, a gentleman being asked to say how much money he makes is considered rude in some circles. But here it is on celebritynetworth.com.

40 million. 40 million dollars. All right. All right. That's strong, very strong. It's a lot of money. And of course the money keeps coming in because it does it. Yeah.

Different strokes and facts of life. All right. Gary. Gary. I've looked you up on celebritynetworth. Oh, my on there. Yep. 50 million.

Oh. Very close. 10 million more. Closer than I thought. Closer than I thought. Closer than I thought. Closer than I thought. Now, honey, I want you to remember, although Gary has 10 million more dollars.

He's not long for this world. Yeah. He's in a rassable old coop. Got it. And I don't think he's going to give you a life that you can end up liking. Whereas Alan, I think is truly devoted to giving you a romantic wonderland that you deserve for some reason. All right.

Gillian, I'm going to need your answer. Who do you want to marry? I would like. I'm sorry. I'm just getting emotional. I would like to marry. Gary Marshall. I won.

Congratulations, Gary. Thank you, I guess. Boy, oh boy. This has turned out to be way more of a hassle than I have a dream. Wow. Well, Reverend Parsemini, you can, of course, pronounce them man and bride. But first, before we do that, I have a question for Gary. What will the chicks do when they see grease lighting?

Oh, the chicks will cream. Scott Ockerman. Oh, no. Scott Ockerman. I had him. He was banished to his dimension. I had him in my car. I'm so sorry.

Did you do that on purpose because you're an incurable romantic? I am. I love the romance between Alan here and Gillian. I hope that within the next calendar year that something will blossom between them, but so sorry, Gillian. May I say something? Sure. I know I'm not an invited guest here, but you do have an open door policy,

and I took advantage of it. Gillian, I don't expect you to marry me today here on this podcast, but I do hope you'll take some time to think about it. Take a calendar year, and we'll meet here next year. How's that sound? Yeah. Number one, one. There it was.

That was a fun day. And I should mention that perhaps a horse sweater was not the title of the episode, nor was Gilding the Gilly. We were pitching those. Right. Oh, that's right. There were pitches all throughout your episode. Yes, we were trying to pitch what the episode title would be,

and then instead, July, by the way, big shout out to July Diaz, who does the recaps and the titles of these. He just decided to call it the Wedding of Gilly and Gary, and this is a case where it worked because we all remember it. Oh, yeah, if it had been Gilding the Gilly, maybe people wouldn't have voted for it. The horse sweater thing, not at all. People would not have remembered that.

Perhaps a horse sweater. Perhaps a horse sweater. So, July, good job on that one. Well, how about that one that you called out of the podcast at one time? July's recap of the episode was like so crazy, filled with typos and a sentence that dead ended somewhere. Yeah, he did a drunk one night, basically. Yeah, it was a crazy.

I went and looked it up and it was fucking hilarious. July does these pretty late at night from what I can tell, because I always get them after I even go to bed. And it was a crazy one recently where it just had run-on sentences and typos. It was nuts. Okay, July, you were drunk when you did this. He revised it the next morning. Well, that is the first episode of our best of.

We have not even cracked the top 10 yet. We're getting to that in our next episode. This is an amazing. Scott, when I think about how we haven't even cracked the top 10 yet, did you burp again? No, that was a laugh. I didn't know what was going on. You put your fist up to your lips.

I put my fist up to my chin and I was going, Oh, hey, Cam. But you're not leaning on anything. Nope. You're just holding your fist against your cheek. Hey, mister, I got moxie. So when we come back, not when we come back, because that's the end of this episode,

but on Thursday of this week, there will be episode two. We are going to have the number 10 episode, the number nine, the number eight, and the number seven episode of the year. Lucky number seven. That's right. And as- Number eight? Number eight.

Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight. Number eight.

I'mITA Daniel Landriff. So13's playing here. As we go out, I do want to play, as you just heard in the previous clip, we were making a lot of references to next year. Next year, we were going to- Gary Marshall has banished for a year in Samsung Dimensions. That's right.

So next year, we were going to be next year people and try to get married again. That's right. So we are going to hear Collins' performance of the song Next Year People. Beautiful acoustic performance here at The Nation. With a little backup. Very nicely asked the three of us to do backups.

Or very foolishly. I think Gilly was not comfortable doing it, but she sounds great. She did great. Fine, she does it fine. I'm downgrading it to fine. That is it for this episode. We will see you on Thursday

when we crack into your top 10. Thanks very much. We'll see you then. Bye. Thank you, I and I. You can't live without hope The things will change for the better You can't live without the dream

Of someone reading your letter We've had dust storms before And spit out the dirt We've had droughts before But none quite like this We've had winds that cut up Your face all to pieces Black blizzards that stripped

All the pain of your car Fires like twisters No sisters of mercy They come with no warning Only that sound God is roaring drunk And out on the town Next year everything will come good

The rains they will fall And we'll dance on the hood We'll fill up our bellies With plenty of food We'll eat, drink and be merry Yeah, next year people will wait and see When next year people you and me The Henry got hit by lightning

Twice in the head He stood and walked away We thought he was dead Now he talks funny He says he's wired to the sky He walks for miles and miles And no one knows why The bank men they came

And wrote things down on paper We all went outside And just stood around We were glad when they left They brought nothing but heartache And the seed we had planted It stayed in the ground Next year everything will come good

The rains they will fall And we'll dance on the hood We'll fill up our bellies With plenty of food We'll eat, drink and be merry Yeah, next year people will wait and see When next year people you and me Dry endless plains and we suffer the worst

Are we being punished or are we just cursed It's almost ten years and no drop of rain Only mocking blue skies Bringing more of the same Our mother was crying When they sent us to stay With strangers in a town And we both ran away

Come back to the dust And see Henry again We're creatures of habit And don't you know One day we'll reap what we sow Next year everything will come good The rains they will fall And we'll dance on the hood

We'll fill up our bellies With plenty of food We'll eat, drink and be merry Yeah, next year people will wait and see When next year people you and me Yeah, next year people will wait and see When next year people you and me When next year people will wait and see

Like preview episodes for upcoming shows Peaks behind the paywall And pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes Here at Ear Wolf Starting January 21st Ear Wolf Presents will have a bunch of new pilots for you Like Edgar Montpelier's The Wokest

Catch conversations between the wokest man in the world And comedians like Riza Lechea Also, here upcoming pilots The Florida Cast Wow, you're Native American too? This week in sports and Carl Alarm All throughout the month Let us know what you think of them with hashtag Ear Wolf Presents

Subscribe to Ear Wolf Presents to hear more great episodes From around the network and behind the paywall Like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business With Derek Contrera Or act one of Matt Bessar's punk musical Stolen Idea Just search for Ear Wolf Presents in your podcast app And subscribe so you don't miss an update