Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2020 Part 3

Episode Date: December 28, 2020

The Best of 2020 Comedy Bang! Bang! countdown continues as Scott and Paul F. Tompkins countdown numbers eight through five of the Best CBB episodes of 2020 as voted by YOU listeners. Tune in Thursday for Part 4 to hear which episodes made it to the top!

I'm the best gunslinger with the tiniest dinger. Welcome to comedy bang bang. Thank you to call waiting for Godot. Can you run that by me again? I don't know. I don't think I can. Thank you to call waiting for Godot over that catchphrase submission. Almost a catchphrase superstar.

Call waiting for Godot. How many? How many? I don't think anyone's keeping stats on the catchphrase submitors. Somebody is. Somebody is. What is this voice that you were doing when this started?

It sounds like that guy. Who's the guy who does the colors album? Not iced tea. Speaking of iced tea. Ken Nordine. Ken Nordine. That's who it is. The line broke.

The monkey got choked. And they all went to heaven in a little row boat. That's right. What do you think about Rudy North, by the way, that was very nice of him to say. Well, Sean Diston, by the way, I'm Scott Ackerman and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang,

best of Part 3. Best of 2020 Part 3. I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hi, I'm that person he said. And we're going to be counting down episodes 8 through 5 today on this episode. So welcome back. This is Part 3. If you haven't heard Part 1 and 2,

go back and listen to those. Or else you'll be completely lost or just enjoy this one. They're fun. You should listen to them and I want you to have a nice thing. But I was mentioning Sean Diston. Sean started as a fan of the show. I think he used to listen to it in Florida where he's from and then

is now on the show quite frequently. I forget how long this show has been happening. 12 years almost. I love stuff like that. And he's not only is he on the show for the past few years, but one of the best people to do it.

Fan favorite. But yeah, he used to listen. He used to listen to you doing I.C. back when the show first started. And he thought it was really funny and brought it up. And the reason, I don't know, have we talked about it on the show?

I don't think so. Yeah, as time marches on, it never goes backward, I'll tell you that. It never goes back. No, it never does, right? I wish it would. I wish it would. If I could turn back time. Would you relive your life? If I could find a way.

Yeah. Who's going to say something? Yeah, I I made a conscious movement to move away from doing real I made a conscious movement about three hours ago. Scott. Hey. What you're doing is disrespectful, big bitch.

Hey, jerky. Hey, big central chest. I made a conscious effort to move away from doing actual people. Real people impressions and start focusing on creating original characters. But also I see I did start to feel like

I think I subconsciously was feeling like I shouldn't do this anymore because I'm imitating a person of another race. Right. Even though the thrust of the impression is not that. Right. It still did. I think just like things that are changing in the culture, it started to kind of seep

into my unconscious mind and feeling like, yeah, I probably shouldn't do that anymore. And I had a lengthy back and forth with someone on Twitter who was being extremely respectful and saying, don't you feel that this is weird

and I started to kind of push back on it and then I realized I did stop doing it with that kind of in the back of my mind. And so there's a lengthy discussion after you stopped doing it. I hadn't done it in a while. Yeah. Right. Someone asked me about, like, do you feel

that this is problematic? And at first I was like, no, I don't think so because this is the X, Y, and Z. This is why it's not problematic. Right. And then the more we were talking about it, the more I realized, well, but I think I did stop doing it because it was starting, when I

thought about it, it didn't feel comfortable anymore. Right. You know. And it was not like anyone gave me a hard time about it. It was not. Before I had this discussion with this person online, I had already had those feelings. But there's something about when somebody

our automatic instinct is to get defensive. Yes. Well, I don't do that. Scott, when you listen back to this, you're going to hear the irony. I feel bad for you. So, yeah, I really, I felt like yeah, I probably shouldn't do that anymore.

But it was nice of Sean to say that he thought it was funny. It was problematic. I think sometimes, I don't know, who cares about my feelings on it, but I think sometimes. I think a lot of people do. People, I think your opinion matters to a lot of people.

Well, I think there's sometimes nuance to it. Obviously, when you're doing an impression of there's a couple of different ways to do an impression. One way is to point out annoying or stupid things about the other person and highlight those and be like, they're funny because

they're so stupid or you know, this is why they're so weird because they're different, you know what I mean? So when you're imitating Droopy, it's like Droopy's voice is like, hello, Jew. And he's a fucking idiot. And he's an idiot. No, but so sometimes when people would do

impressions of people of other races, they were doing it of like, hey, we are the norm. White people are the norm. Norm! I'm surprised he didn't walk in. I had to walk in first. Oh, that's right. And now we begin

the Eldridge Ceremony. Norm! Norm! Norm! Afternoon, everybody. It worked! But a lot of times, like previously, it would be like, hey, we're the culture and we're all white and people

of other races talk differently and they're different and there's some I mean, you look at like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's, like they look different. Still the gold standard for just bananas.

No reason for it, racism. And then sometimes there's never a reason for racism. Yeah. So apparently in this discussion, let's cancel Ball of Tumpkins because he thinks there's a reason for racism. Sometimes it's justified, okay? But I think sometimes

there are people who are doing impressions and who are like studies of human nature and they're really good. They have a good ear for impressions and let's take Peter Sellers, for instance. You know.

Sweetest guy around. By all accounts, a terrific human being. But like a lot of his act is just like looking at people and transforming into them. And I think that sometimes is interesting but it's not up to me to say obviously like what's acceptable or not.

But sometimes I find that interesting when a person can so transform their voice to become another person that I think allowances are made sometimes for that.

When it's not a hey look at how different or stupid they are. Yeah. I mean there's so many things that go into what makes something a characterization. And it's like when it's problematic, when it's truly problematic,

it's because somebody's coming from a bad place. Right. Where are the characters on the good place? We're actually. Isn't it funny they were coming from the bad place? You know what I mean? I hope you've watched season one. But even when your intention is good

that doesn't mean that there's not... That it's always going to be received well and that it is good. Just because you have the best of intentions doesn't mean that you should not be taken to task for a thing that you're doing. And some people will

think it's fine and some people will think it's not fine. And you know Sean is very nice to say that about your iced tea. It doesn't necessarily mean that it is okay for you to do it. And I have to say outside of that one exchange that I had with that person, no one's ever given me a hard time.

No one's ever... And even that person wasn't giving me a hard time. This is not like I'm bowing to some pressure or whatever. Or that PC culture is ruining everything. It's that I started to view it differently and it's also at the end of the day is it necessary?

It's not like my feeling is always make more stuff. If there's an issue with something, we can't get too precious about these things. That was always the thing about parallel thought in comedy of like if you had a joke

or a premise that was similar to someone else we'll just write another joke. I would always drop it and just do something else. Yeah, just do something else. But there were guys that would like fight tooth and nail like, that was my bit, you know. That's the thing is, and sketches were the same thing, you know, because like

when you're writing sketches, someone would go like, oh living color, I remember Mr. Show, we stopped down for two days because something we were just about to go into production with, someone said there was something like this in living color. This was before clips were on the internet. Yeah.

We had to like do research. We had to call in living color and have them send tapes over and stuff. And then it wasn't similar, so we were able to go ahead. That was the Buttman's. My Buttman's. But my point was always just like oh, let's just make other stuff

and we'll be okay. In any case, your iced tea, let's hear a little bit of it now. Just make it be, you want to hear it. Come on. In any case, why did we, oh yeah, we're just

at the beginning of this episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have so many clips, a very serious discussion for the beginning of an episode I have to say. People like to see how the bread is made. They like to hear the process. Yes.

How the bread is made. We're going to be hearing episode, everyone voted on these episodes. Everyone voted? Everyone voted for their favorite episodes of the year. They could all pick 10. And this is what they came up with? 30,000 votes came in

and 30,000 and we are going through the 8, 7, 6 and 5 today, so we're going to crack the top 5. What about the 309? What's that? 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 8.

Did I say 8, 6, 7, 5? 6 and 7. I think you did. I have, I think I have you got Tommy Tutone on the brain? Tommy Tutone for some reason. That's somebody's favorite band, Tommy Tutone. Tommy Tutone is someone's, I mean someone knows like the deep album cuts.

Someone saw them all the time. Look, and sometimes if you see a band like for instance, Crowded House one of my favorite bands of all time. Crowed House, yeah. Probably because I saw them live on the MTV spring break thing and they were so good live and then it just

put a love in me and so I would see them any time I could live. With a tampon soaked with vodka up your ass hole. I don't know why you said that. That's why I think of MTV spring break makes me think of that kind of thing. I thought, did I say something to lead him

into a vodka soaked tampon up my ass hole? I also can't believe I said my ass hole. Yeah, really. This is so graphic. I should have said rectum and I apologize. I barely knew him. So in any case, I don't know why we were talking

about that, but Crowded House favorite band. Well, if you see a band live, so many good memories. I can only imagine Tommy Tutone being someone's favorite band if they lived to where Tommy the music scene Tommy Tutone came out of and they saw him come

up so several times. It was amazing live and they know all of his songs. Anyway, it can happen to anyone. It can happen to you. It can happen to you. Nicholas Cage and Bridget Fonda. Of course. What was, oh, how do you know? How do you know it could happen to you? I love to see a crossover

of those universes. Great double feature. Guy gives a woman $100 tip and then comes back a year later and says, who gave you the biggest tip you've ever had? It was you. And then you know, Nicholas Cage cop Jack comes

in. Hey, it's me. To be honest, I don't know the plot too. How do you know? So I don't know. The plot is Paul Rudd doesn't know something. He knows somebody else does know something. He wants to know how they know it. So who done it? It's how do they know it?

How do they know it? It's in the latest entry in the classic genre. How do they know it? It's all the reporters questions. Who did they know it? How did they know it? Why did they know it? When did they know it? When did they know it?

It's like our five jokes. That we recycle. That'll be coming up a little later in the countdown, our five jokes. Oh, it'll be coming up later. Hey, good luck. It'll be coming up a little bit later. It certainly will. But before we get to those, why don't we just

crack into these clips here? Why don't we get to it? Crack into them. This is the episode that you chose, if you can make it to be number eight. Number eight. All right. Episode number eight, Paul. This is episode 679.

That was episode eight, but okay. The numerology. Numerology. Is that a Prince song? Numerology? He must have written a song called Numerology, right? I wonder if he was into it. He definitely, I think he was into

the zodiac. I could see him being into it. Who knows? He was a little bit into Chemtrails from what I understand. He had low T as well. I think this is true that he was into Chemtrails. I heard on Langston Kerman has a very funny podcast called My Mama Told Me. He was on Comedy Bang Bang promoting it. Yes, he was.

And it's really great. And it's about conspiracy theories. And I think he did an episode on Chemtrails with Iowa Debra and they talked about somebody saw Prince on

maybe it was even Oprah or something talking about Chemtrails. Really? Yes. Or maybe on Larry King. He wanted some sort of reputable known show and talked about how Chemtrails are. Now, what they had heard, the conspiracy

about Chemtrails they had heard, was that the Chemtrails were dropping chemicals to make people fight, lower income people to fight with each other. Right. What I had heard was that the Chemtrails kept us all docile so that we did not rise up against the government. Oh, so that we didn't float.

Yes, like the Willy Wonka theory. They had heard it was fizzy lifting drink. I had heard it was the opposite. Well, this episode came out on October 26th. Pretty recent from where I'm sitting. Pretty recent. And also does that give you a clue

as to what it might be? Yeah, it's going to be scary because of Halloween. Yeah. Do you remember an episode that might have come out right before Halloween? Yeah. There was one about a ghost. Not far off. Little kids fucking lie. They just lie to your face.

That was, of course, I told you the story about my friend who lied that he had read Old Yeller and was lying in his book report. We would have to do oral book reports. I don't remember this. This was in the sixth grade and the teacher would take like four of us at a time

and ask us questions about the book that we supposedly read. He would read your report and then ask you questions and try to trap you to see if you actually read the book. And it would be good teacher, bad teacher, right? You know, I gotta go. I got another guy. My barter's going to come in here. Let me get you a soda.

You want a coffee? Drinking fountain should make soda, right? Yeah. I actually pitched that in my hand. Oh, no, I didn't pitch that. I said that if I won student government I was going to fix the drinking fountain so that when one person was drinking out of one

and the next person turned the other one on that the water level wouldn't dip so low. That's a big promise. And the principal called me in and explained why that couldn't happen and the science behind it. But my friend who supposedly read Old Yeller he would never read the books and he would always

get caught. He always got caught? Yes. I thought he was good at it. No. So he wrote a whole book report which back in the sixth grade is what? A page on Old Yeller and the teacher asked him, you know,

a cage question like, okay in the book what happened here? Okay. And he had an answer. Okay. What happened here? He had an answer. Then finally after three minutes the teacher finally says Doug

who was Old Yeller and Doug said the farm hands? Did it like that? Busted again. Doug, what are you doing? What are you doing, Doug? Like, look at

all he had to... Read the back cover! All he had to base that on was the picture on the front cover. He didn't even flip it over. Doug, a legend. He also had a book report on Harry Houdini and

he was very confident about that one and giving so many examples of his life and then finally the teacher said how did Harry Houdini die? And he said he drowned to death. At least don't phrase it

like a question! The teacher was like, no, he got punched in the stomach. Like, you're about to be Doug because it's old times and I can still hit kids if I want. I think I've told you about this. The teacher, I had to read Black Like Me

in my junior year of high school and I read it. I read it voluntarily. We were assigned it. I read it, wrote the report and the teacher gave me a failing grade

on the paper. He's like, you didn't demonstrate to me that you read the book. And I was like, I don't know how I didn't but that teacher later ran away with a student. We've talked about the teachers that we've known running away with students. You didn't prove to me

that you can be a decent fucking human being. Mr. Much like when they bust a cop for corruption, they have to go back and overturn all of the arrests that he made. They should have given you all straight A's. Anytime that happens.

My junior high biology teacher who ran away with his student or maybe didn't run away, just had a relationship and stayed there with her. I think I got a C in biology in junior high. I should have passed.

I had to go to summer school for chemistry. I should check back and see if that guy was the reason. I should be awarded an honorary doctorate somewhere. Why am I not? I famously never graduated college. Why hasn't anyone offered me one?

Kiddo, some advice. Thank you. What the fuck was that guy thinking? I don't know. So weird. Noted homophobe. Is he a noted homophobe? He hopes that won't be written on his tombstone, he said.

Because in the 80s he wrote a thing about how he wishes all homosexuals should be eradicated or something. Jesus Christ, sorry. There's no way. Even if you change your mind. Which... That's not like...

I don't know about gay marriage. The article I read about it never said he changed his mind on it. Just had the quote of like, I hope that's not gonna be on my tombstone. I guess that's bad. Anyway, if you don't know what we're talking about, there was a Wall Street Journal opinion. Op-Ed. Yeah.

Op-Ed about Dr. Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden, paging Dr. Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden. Go check it out. Go check it out. It came out a month ago, whatever. We're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about episode that is the top 8 episode.

This was October 26th and this is an episode called Popcorn World. So see? Scary. And would it surprise... Okay, we have Gillian Jacobs. I know her. We have Carl Tartt. I know him. And we have you. I know me.

That's right. I know you. I know you. I know you. No, you're not angry. You're just pointing. Speaking of the season of Saturday Night Live. This was... It came out right before Halloween and Gillian Jacobs, who people know from Community.

And she just directed a documentary that's in Marvel 616 that you can watch. She was here to promote her movie, which is a scary movie, which is why it came out right before Halloween. That's right. What's it called? Come Play.

Which, by the way, so normally booking the show, there's two ways I can book the show. I wear that. If you don't like it, get the fuck out. Most of the time, I just write or call up or text

friends and say, hey, do you want to do the show? And that is the most efficient way of booking the show. Let's see. But every once in a while, I get lured by a publicist into what ends up being

a months-long back and forth between me and a publicist where first what publicists do is they offer someone to be on your show. They say, hey, would you want to have this person on your show? And it's always the bait and switch.

Hey, do you want to have the most famous person in the world on your show? Because if you say yes, 90% of the time, they go, okay, well, let me check with them and see if they would want to do it. They never want to do it. It's a big waste of time. Of course, they're not going to do your show.

It's a big waste of time. But this was one of the episodes where the publicist of the movie, not Gillian's publicist, reached out to me and said, hey, Gillian has a movie coming out. Do you want her on the show? And instead of

just me saying like, hey, cool, yeah, I'll just reach out to Gillian to schedule it, I went through the publicist for whatever reason. I don't know why. And it turned into a several month. It literally went on for two months. It became like a will there, won't they with you? Will she or will she not?

That was hot. No, I mean, you and the publicist were like, there's some tension. Is she going to do the show or is she not? It's hot. It turned into a long thing where it was like, oh, we don't know if she can do it. Okay, now she can. We don't know if she can do it. And then finally, like,

it turned into one of those things where it was like, tell you what, she can give you a half hour on this day. And I was like, what? A half hour? This doesn't sound like Gillian. So I just wrote to Gillian and said, hey, man, do you want to do comedy bang bang? And she was like, oh, no one's talked to me about it. So she was like, of course, yeah, let's just do it.

Is she going to go down the slide? Yeah, I hope so. She started to disappear. Where'd she go? I don't know, but I want that cude with the food. Cude with the food, dude. In any case, this is the person representing the movie, by the way, so it's not Gillian. But the funny part was,

the publicist wanted to be on the zoom while we were doing the show. They thought they did. Probably immediately regretted it. I think a lot of times the publicist will reach out knowing the show is popular and not know what the show is. So they don't know how stupid it is

or how sarcastic we are when we're actually talking to a celebrity, especially someone we know well. So anyway, listen to that interview again, realizing that the publicist for the movie is on the whole time. And it'll be twice as funny to you.

In any case, so Gillian talks about her movie and then we are going to hear Paul of Tompkins playing a character, Alamone Tony. Paul of Tompkins, Paul of Tompkins. Paul of Tompkins.

Paul of Tompkins, Paul of Tompkins. Paul of Tompkins, Paul of Tompkins. Paul of Tompkins. Thank you, Koo, for the Foo. Thank you, Koo, for Foo. Do you want to tell us about Alamone Tony before we hear this clip? Alamone Tony, of course,

a character based on the name of a person who submitted a catchphrase. Yes, a person's name, let me say those catchphrases at the beginning of the episode. A person, their screen name was Alamone Tony and I read it and you laughed so hard

that you decided to play him in the moment. Yes, the idea that it was somebody's nickname because they were known for paying Alamone Tony. And they loved it. They loved it. And so I've done Alamone Tony a few times. It's a fun, it's a really fun character. And, you know,

when we were talking before the show I, you know, I ran up by Gilly and I said I know that we have a history of you want to marry characters that I do. Gilly has been on the show. She has a sort of Gold Digger character. For several years she plays like a Gold Digger character.

It's ridiculous. Yes, it's been really fun. And it's a several year long saga that has gone on where she's married several of your characters. Yes. And so you asked if she was tired of doing that and no, she was not. Because I didn't want to,

I didn't want to put her in that position if she didn't want to do it. She's like, no, let's do it. And she's great at it, which is good. It's always great to have her on the show. Yes. She's terrific. I miss her.

I haven't seen her in such a long time. I know. I saw her, she came to a fern screening. That was the last time I saw her, I believe. Oh, nice. And then Carl Tart comes in as Colonel Sanders. I forgot.

No, wait, I thought he was Orville Reddenbacher. Sorry. Yes, he's Orville Reddenbacher. What about Sanders? Was he Colonel Sanders at a certain point? Why did I think that? He might have been. They're very similar. Southern gentlemen who have businesses. Why don't they have comedians playing Orville Reddenbacher?

He was a real person who died, too. That's right. Like, what the fuck? Just steal that idea. He died. Died. It'd be funny if someone re-made that song all about the characters. Advertising people. And how they died.

Let's hear it. This is Popcorn World. This is episode number eight. Number eight. He's been on the show many times. He's one of our favorites. Please welcome back to the show Alimony Tony. Scott, what a pleasure to see you again. Thank you for having me. It's me, Alimony Tony. It certainly is you, Alimony Tony.

Welcome back to the show. Thank you very much. And yes, I was overhearing your introduction because I had to know when to appear. So I can confirm that I am independently wealthy. Of course, my mother invented gaseous paper. And I...

Oh, hello. Hello. My name is Alimony Tony. Yeah, sorry. Let me introduce you guys. This is Gillian Jacobs. She's an actress and a director and an artist. And this is Alimony Tony, who's a independently wealthy divorce person. My goodness, my goodness.

Oh, wait. I've heard that catchphrase before. Oh, you're Gillian Jacobs, of course. I... You know, now that I think about it, Gillian, the last few times that you've been on the show, you haven't been on it a little bit, but we performed your wedding.

It has been a while. It has been a while. Tony, comma, Alimony. What a funny little joke. What a coquettish little laugh that was. But we... Actually, romance bloomed on some of your previous episodes.

I believe we performed your... at least one wedding of yours. No, I have not been married on the show. Oh, are you not speaking to me? No, I'm speaking... I've been married on the show. I understand. Yes. Yeah. Who were you married to? You were married to...

It's really sad. I was married to a wonderful man named Gary Marshall. Gary Marshall, creator of Happy Days. Levine Shirley, director of Valentine's Day. Yes, that's right. He used to be a star of Lost in America. A star of Lost in America?

Beloved American cultural icon, Gary Marshall. He did. Yes, that's right. You got married to him on this show. I did. I really loved him a lot. You know, and a lot of

horrible things happened along the way. I think I was sent to another dimension. Maybe he was sent to another dimension. Another dimension. I think portals in space and time opened up. People tried to come between us. But we really... we had a love that was more than a love.

I and my Gary Marshall. That's a wonderful story. Well, he is... Scott, I want to say stuff. I'm a real romantic as well and to hear that story. Although I am divorced several times over. I am a romantic at heart. To hear such a romantic story.

That's right up my alley. Let me tell you. May I ask, can I go back? Tony, if I may. Please call me Alamone Tony. Alamone Tony, what was the type of paper your mother invented? Gaseous paper.

What is gaseous? Liquid paper, right? Yes. And gaseous paper is the same as liquid paper. Only it's a gas. Ooh, exciting. So like you could write on a fart perhaps? No, you have to write on gaseous paper.

Wait, I thought... I thought liquid paper was applied to regular paper in order to correct mistakes. Gaseous paper. You need to write on the gaseous paper. You need to write on the gaseous paper. How does it work actually? You've never talked about it.

It's so dry and dull. It works as a gaseous paper. This is... And what's its primary use? I mean, has it been successful this invention? It's been very successful. It enabled my family to become

trillionaires. Trillionaires, you say? Trillionaires with a T. That's right. Wow, and current net worth just for a ballpark estimate. Oh, it's not. I know that sounds like a staggering double, too. And that's your personal or the company?

That's my personal. That's your personal. That's the family's mother, yes. And does the family still own a majority of the company? Oh, yes, we do. We own 100%. Oh, you own 100%? Publicly traded? Yes. All the profits go to us.

We are very wealthy family. And really, it's just down to... I mean, I don't have any kids. All of my relatives, what few there were, have passed on. No siblings. I grew up in only child. So did I.

So did I. It's fun, isn't it? It's one of many things I feel we have in common. We do. Well, that's one thing. I wasn't aware of the other things. Yeah, what are the other things, Kelly? We're on this call together. That's true.

That's your thing so far. All right, go on. Alamone, Tony, why is your company publicly traded 100% of it? Well, because I'm a member of the public and... Okay. I just wanted to clarify that.

So Alamone, Tony, you are a member of the 4, comma, club. Yes, that's correct. There's a precious few of us. But again, it's not as much... My total net worth is not as much as it sounds you hear the word trillion or anything. Oh my God, that's so much money.

It's impossible to imagine. Maybe because there used to be more, but you've given a lot of it away, isn't that right? Well, I mean, I'm always making money, but I'm also always giving money away because, as I've told you before, Scott, I've been married and divorced many times

and the thing is, I love paying Alamone. I always married for love. I always think it's going to last so far it hasn't. But there's something about paying the Alamone that I just adore. It's my favorite thing to do. Can I ask you your feelings on

pre- and post-nuptial agreements? I've never... Never signed a post-nup. Never signed a pre-nup, never signed a post-nup unless my canon contradicts that. But I do believe in going in

with faith, hope, and love, and then coming out of it with just a stowed cold financial arrangement. It's just a lot less money. Well, I mean, a lot less money for some people. Obviously, for me, it's a drop in the bucket, but

yes, it is. The Alamone papers are substantial and not just as a whole, but individually. Is there a way to stop those? There is, unfortunately... I suppose if your ex-wife

got married again, married. Which has happened on occasion, I have said, look, I'm so glad you're happy. You moved on. You found someone else. Please let me continue paying your Alamone. Please. And they've always been nice about it and said,

no, I'm sorry, I will not allow you. They've all said yes. There was only one gal that wouldn't have... Are you crying? That I never... That I never got to pay Alamone too.

Sorry, I get emotional when I think about it. I never got to pay Alamone to her because she died before we could be divorced. For me, that's the one they got away. I'm so sorry. But they don't call you widower, Tony. No, I was just widower at the one time. The rest of the time, divorced.

One time. What's the fastest you've ever gotten married? From date of meeting the person to natural? Same day. So that's a matter of hours. Scott, what's your net worth? No.

I was going to say... Not interested? Easily Googleable. Is there a T in there? In net worth? Yes. There's two. No, no, no, no. I meant trillionaire. I do apologize.

You're so clever, though. That's what I like so much about you. How clever you are. You're clever as well. That's another thing we haven't got. You wish her the best, right, Alamone? Tony? A widow for a few years. I just believe you were married to Alan thick as well. So a two-time widow, I believe.

What it's like, yes. So you wish her the best, right? I wish her the best. The best way to wish someone... I was going to say... Could you just send me a little check? What do you mean? Well,

I have a proposition for you. All right. I had a lot of propositions on this show. I can't wait to vote on this prop. This is prop my heart. Care to get married or skip the marriage

and just you could start sending me checks. Oh, that's very good. Oh, I love how forward that is. I wish... I wish I were attracted to you, but I... I just... Yes, I mean... It's just one of those things, huh? Gilead, here's the thing. There's something...

I've been checking a lot of boxes for me. Let me tell you something. And usually by this time, I'd be asking you to get married and we'd be talking about what, if we ever got divorced, how much money you would want in alimony. And then I would write it up or on a piece of paper and I would slide it over to you and I would say, I'm going to make this alimony of alimony.

But, yes, I don't know. I just... I'm getting more of a friend vibe. I don't know what it is. What is it? Is it her personality? Is it her looks? No, great personality. I think she's a doll. I don't know. It's just that indefinable thing. It's not clicking for me in a way that... Well, she is very friendly.

Look at it very often does. She's very friendly and one can get a friend vibe from that type of person. Well, every woman I've married has been my best friend. Well... Well, here's... I'll counterpoint you. You've... Every woman you've married, you thought you were in love with and it's always

ended in divorce. Now, I wasn't in love with them. It just didn't work out. Yes. So, why don't you try marrying someone you're not in love with and maybe it'll last longer? This is an interesting theory. You can also take a picture it would last longer. That's true.

I am having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of if I was in love with someone and it didn't work out, if I married someone I wasn't in love with at all, would it last longer? Here's what I anticipate the issue would be. Go ahead, Scott.

You would marry someone not for love and then if it didn't work out, you wouldn't be so inclined to pay the alimony. I would think it would... There would be a bitter contentious divorce. First time I'd have a bitter contentious divorce which is an experience

I've never had but does sound exciting. It is on my bucket list to have a contentious divorce. I can provide you with that experience 100% Well, Alimony Tony, we want to get to

your answer but I'm wondering should we hold on to it for a little while? Let's because I need some more time with him. Maybe love will blossom over the next bit of the show. Hold your tongue, sir.

It's curious because it seemed like the idea we were heading towards was being not being in love and marrying to see if that changes everything. But now you're saying, Scott, perhaps let's hold on and see if I do. Yeah, let's hold on to the end. But we do have to get to our next guest.

I mentioned it before, he's an entrepreneur and it's a rare tweet. Rare tweet and a rare treat when we have an entrepreneur on the show. He is... Well, he has a company that bears his name on it. Please welcome for the first time

in the show Orville Redenbacher. Thank you for having me, Scott. Always money around here. I smell it. Gilly and Jacobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scott Alchemist. It's money around here.

I love that laugh. Charming, Orville Redenbacher, it's such a treat to have you on the show. I mean, you are, of course, the owner and proprietor of Orville Redenbacher Popcorn. Absolutely, Scott. And I tell you, boys, there's this pandemic

we've been going through the roof. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Meaning sales? Or you've been going through your own roof trying to clear out your attic? A lot of downtime during the pandemic. Both things, Scott. You see, my house is full of asbestos.

That's one thing. So we have to clear out the attic. But also, popcorn sales are through the roof. I'm swimming in it, boy. Congratulations. I mean, yeah, I guess there's nothing else to do other than just, you know,

lie around watching Netflix. Everybody's sitting at home, Scott. Watching Netflix. Watching Hulu. Watching Vivo. The music video. Tubi. Watching Tubi. Watching YouTube.

Checking out Quibbies. Watching YouTube TV. Everything, Scott. You're really into streaming platforms, aren't you? Watching home, watching Peacock. Everybody at home. Watching CBS All Access. You know what they love when they watch

CBS All Access, Scott. Oh, I know Star Trek. Disco? Very. Star Trek and Popcorn. Yes. Yeah. Orville. Or should I call you Mr. Redenbacher? You call me OVIL, Scott.

OVIL. Mr. Redenbacher. Your pictures on all of the jars of your popcorn and the bags of your popcorn, you are... I mean, I'm not telling a secret when I say you're an elderly octogenarian from the south. Is that right?

Don't tell them that. They may not know. Don't tell them that. But you are. How old are you? Right now. I'm a 113 years old, Scott. How old did you used to be? How old I used to be? I used to be 112. 111.

100. 1007. Never skipped a year, Scott. I hit every year. Congratulations. I hit every year in the book, Scott. Yeah. A lot of people wish that we could have skipped this year,

but I mean, this year has been while the rich get richer during the pandemic. I mean, you are a wealthy popcorn magnet. Absolutely. I'm a wealthy popcorn magnate and we're making money during the pandemic, Scott, because everybody's sitting at home

watching cable, spectrum. They all at home watching cocks. They all at home watching direct TV. They all at home watching Verizon fiber optics. AT&T fiber optics.

Oh, Scott, and they all eating popcorn. You know, I was just thinking, Orville Redenbacher, you are an elderly rich man who's going to be married soon. I just wanted to point that out. It was an interesting fact that just popped in my head.

Somebody's mortality. Sorry, I just wanted to bring it up. What would Orville's wife think if she married Orville? My wife died 71 years ago. 71. My word. Never remarried. And why is that?

May I ask your opinion as a wealthy businessman? How would you go about seducing a wealthy businessman? Yeah, if one were to seduce you, Orville, I know you haven't been married in 70 some odd years.

And maybe that's for a reason. Maybe no one has seduced you properly. What would you want to have happen from a partner? That's a great question. What would you want to have happen from a partner? That's a great question. Alright, let me think about it.

Okay, wrinkle to this voice. That seems like a loophole. That's a great question. That's a great question. I feel like I want a woman to come up to me and say, ain't you that popcorn man from the popcorn bottles? And I said,

good. And she just grabbed my nuts. She was like, look at me around. She started swinging you around. Yeah, I'm not the biggest man. Very slender.

I'm not getting a sense of how tall you are, though, on this zoom. What are you, three feet tall or something? I'm three foot six. Three six. If you're an inch. You don't get a sense of that on your bottles.

It's just a headshot. The bottles were life-size. I don't want nobody to see my body. You're ashamed of it. But you want someone who's into your height, who's going to pick you up by the testicles and swing you around.

That's right, Scott. And is that what your dear departed wife did when she met you? Every morning. Every morning before she had a coffee and a popcorn cereal. She had popcorn cereal. Popcorn is very cereal

like, if you think about it. I can understand how it would look normal if you poured milk on it. I can imagine that there hasn't been another woman to do that because it's an odd thing to do upon your first meeting of someone, but were that to occur?

What would you do? Would you just marry that person? A curse spelled O-C-K-E-R. That's right, thank you. If that was to happen again, if somebody said, ain't you the popcorn man? That's an important part of it, by the way. Saying, ain't you the popcorn man?

You got to say that. Ain't you the man for the popcorn bottle? Ain't you the man for the popcorn bottle? And then she grabs my nuts and swangs me around. She can have my whole fortune. Wow. All five commas. Five commas, wow.

Now, how will that happen in this time of distancing? How are you supposed to meet this week of route? Got to go to Florida. Somewhere where they're not taking it serious. Right. Make sense. And if a woman were not to do that,

no sale? No sale, no dice, no card. Hmm. Well, an interesting conundrum here for our main guest, Gillian Jacobs of Compray. What are the rankings? What are the guest rankings?

Gillian's the main guest. Yes. And when, when, why fall? By the vice-guest? You're vice-president, yes, of course. And we have treasurer guest over here, is Orville Redenbacher. Oh, that's me. I thought I was guestatarian of education.

Gillian likes it. You know, can I talk to Gillian for a second without you guys listening? When you come back, I do want to, I think it's important that we designate a designated survivor in case something happens to one of us. What, what? You got two guys

on the hook here. I know. How am I supposed to grab his body part and swing him around? We're on Zoom. I mean... He said that's the only way to his heart. I don't know what I can do here. Yeah, you're a little... I'm sorry, I know

I'm not supposed to... What are you doing here? I'm more mad at you now. Listen, I want, I want to help, I want to help. Do you remember the early days of Facebook could poke people? Maybe there's a virtual, there's a virtual grab-and-swing you can do.

If you, if just look at the Zoom... Maybe in the chat or something like that. Maybe you could describe you doing it and that's... I'm gonna go back over there with Orville. Thank you, Alamone. She's still mad at you, by the way. I know! I know! I'm sorry to butt in over here.

Orville, you're listening too? But I just want to know if, would any of y'all like a cup of cun of the popcorn? Please! Can you leave them in the chat for us? Absolutely. And that's just exactly like the real thing, right? If someone were to do something in a chat, it's exactly like doing it in real life.

You can print it out, ball it up, and eat it. Oh! Don't forget salt. Scott, Scott, all I see is invite, mute me, and raise hand. Maybe I should just hit all three at once? All three at once might do it, yeah. Okay. You want to do it? Okay, here we go.

Ready? Yes. Here we go. Oh, my nuts! Look! You forgot the first half, Gillie. Make sure you say it. Use the man from the Bob Gordon! Okay, hit the space bar.

That's the end of that lamp. Number eight! Oh, good stuff. Good stuff. Paul, funny stuff. Alamone Tony. He's a nice guy, right? He's one of your nice characters. He's one of my nice characters!

Not one of your mean, cantankerous characters who are contemptuous of me. I have aren't you contemptuous of all people? Wait a minute. Don't throw this back at my face. Now, Scott, to be fair, aren't you contemptuous of all human beings on planet Earth? I guess you're right.

All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have episode seven. We're getting so low! How's our story? There you go. All right, we'll be right back. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. This is best of 2020 part three.

I'll say it is. And we only have seven more episodes to go on this and Thursday's episode. But I'm having so much fun that I don't want it to end! Let's just listen to every episode again. This is what happens. In full. Scott and I, we get together.

We do this. We have a great time. Now we're outside. We're on the patio. Look, it doesn't get better than this. This is how we should always have been doing it. How we always will do it from now on. Maybe. Who knows, right?

It kind of makes me wonder if I... Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I feel like a motherless child a long way from... Sometimes I wonder... It's a rap song. It's my do-do-do in the DDDs. Check out DDDs.

Oh, nuts. Nuts. Speaking of nuts, where does this grow? Would have been a great time for him to show up. Dose nuts. What about D's? Dose. Should there be a donut chain

that's like D's nuts? Doughnuts? I don't know. I think it should be called Doughnuts. There is a what's up hot dog Emporium in Canada. Based on me saying the catchphrase. That's even weirder. There is water burger.

I've never been in there. I believe it's Vancouver, anytime we're there. What? In and out so quickly. Before the quarantine. Before the quarr. I got COVID. That's right.

That's right. I remember I was sitting there and you know my story with Scott. It's two rooms. He comes up with the music. I come up with the diseases. Disease nuts. Disease nuts.

Shouldn't there be a chain of hospitals called disease nuts? Hey, I heard you got that disease. Disease nuts. Okay. Okay. That should be the response to the regular t-shirts. Yeah, to all of them. Hey, you won.

Okay. Your last words. Okay. Where's my trophy? Here's your sign. This coming up episode is going to win the trophy for the seventh most popular or best. Who knows which it is.

Episode of the year. This is episode number seven. Number seven. All righty. Slevin. That's when we do the recording. Seven has to be Slevin. Okay, we'll do Slevin.

And we'll do Slevin. Slevin and Slurp Team. Slurp Team. Okay, good. This is getting very complicated already. I didn't even remember we were doing it. Luckily we recorded it. So we'll always have this for reference. We always listen to these back and remember everything we're talking about.

Well, it's other people. The one time we ever did was Don't Joke About iRobot. Yeah, why did we listen back to it? We didn't listen back to it. We just somehow remembered it. We made a dear promise to each other. Well, we haven't made a dear promise about recording this song. No, we haven't.

That's just a regular one. That's why it hasn't gotten done. We have to make those dear promises. All right, this is number seven. This is episode number 653. Still on 600. May 4th. May it be with you.

That's right, Star Wars Day. Now, does this give you any clue as to what episode this could be? Because it's the beginning of May. Yes, this is The Empire Strikes Back. No. The beginning of May is when I started doing the show, my dear boy. So it's an anniversary-o show. That's right.

It is the 11th anniversary show. Oh, happy anniversary. Happy anniversary to you. Let me tell you about who is in this show. A man named Jed. A man named Jed. A boy named Sue.

This is Jason Manzukas. We have John Gabriel. Sorry, the girl with the dragon tattoo. Go ahead. Lily Sullivan. Lily Sullivan is so funny. We can finally talk about it. I want to shout her out.

Carl Tartt. Ego Wodum. A man named Paul F. Tompkins. That's me, baby. All these people and more. Let's talk about the anniversary shows in the past and the one that we did this year.

Normally, for the anniversary show and the Christmas show, it's just a big ... I invite a bunch of people and it's a big cluster fire. It's a cluster frick. It's a cluster situation normal. All fouled up.

Cluster. Cluster snafu. Yeah, I got it. This was in May. As previously established, I started quarantining May 17th. March 17th.

Sorry, March 17th. I was a little late to the party. I waited to see how it was going. Do I want to do this? I was going into empty stores. If you all remember in those early ... I mean, back in January and February,

there were a lot of conflicting reports about how serious it was. Now, Jason Manzookas, to his credit, was saying it was deadly serious the entire time. Because he's a man who could be killed by eggs? Yes. Anyone could be killed by an egg if you throw it hard enough. He's afraid of an egg.

200 miles an hour. He's a coward. To his credit, he was out there saying, like, oh, no, no, no. We're going to not leave our houses for a year, at least. I was like, yeah, sure. This is back in February, right?

I'll also say that I was talking to Zach Galifianakis back in February about how ... This is when you were on your Greek streak. You were only talking to Greek people. It was Greek week. I was talking to him about the trip that Kulap and I were supposed

to take in May to Italy. And this was when everything was going down in Italy. And I was like, hey, yeah, we're supposed to be there in May. I think it might be OK. And Zach was like, you ain't going to Italy. And so

all these people were right. We didn't really know what was going on. It's like they were oracles, in a sense. In a sense. So when the quarantine happened, I had about I think a month or six weeks of episodes

in the can. And so I was kind of at the beginning of it, I was thinking like instead of rushing and trying to record a bunch of episodes, which I should have done back in January and February, I had about four weeks. I was like four or five or six weeks lead time. I thought that'll probably get me

through until we can go back into the studio. And I was very wrong about that. So pretty early into I think April, we had to do our first Zoom show, first show over Zoom. And it's been a process.

It has certainly been a challenge. I said we would talk about it later. So here we are talking about it. Fair. Now, the shows that are easier to do on Zoom are the shows like The Talking Head show that I do with Adam Scott or the Teenage Mutant Ninja

Turtle show with Sean Distan where it's just like two of us, maybe three people talking over a Zoom because the challenges are everyone has different internet speeds. Everyone has different mic qualities.

And these were all like felt insurmountable at the beginning of quarantine. And we I would get episodes back. First of all, just doing performing on the episodes. You'd have you'd be making a joke and because of the

nature of Zoom where it only the loudest person is highlighted and everyone else drops out like you can't hear what other people are saying and people would react at different times to something that was being said. It was all just so straight. And then

every time I would get an episode back it would sometimes be not synced up. So everything would be two seconds off, you know. And so these were all challenges that we were trying to work through and the team of engineers and Kevin, our

producer, were really working overtime. And Kevin. And the rest. We're all really, we were all like an episode where I used to go in and record it for an hour and a half, two hours and then leave and not think about it again. We were having to take

all week to put together and perfect and try to make it good. Right. And so I really want to highlight and thank all of the producers there at Earwolf who not only sent me a bunch of equipment

so I could do this at home over Zoom with people and keep the show going, but also we worked out a process that works now I feel like. And I feel like the episodes we're up to speed now. I felt like at the time these episodes were very awkward and

I remember telling you and Lauren at one point that I was in my office screaming when I got when I got an episode back like right before it was supposed to go up and everything was three seconds off. Wow. I don't remember that.

I remember just I texted you guys like I am so frustrated right now with the show. Now I remember this. But we worked it all out. Everything is in a good place now. But this was the first one of, you know, the quarantine happened six weeks before the anniversary

show and I was praying we could get back into the studio for the anniversary show and do a real typical like everyone's invited type show. And so we weren't able to do that. We had less participants than we normally did.

It's just Jason yourself, John Gabriel Lily Sullivan, Carl Tart and Ego Wodum. But this still was so funny that it ended up as the top seven episode. Yeah, even though it didn't have a ton of people it still ended up being funny. Message received.

No, I guess I mean even with the B team it managed to be okay. We were working we were working out the logistics of it and it was it was I just remember it being a very frustrating period for the show and me going I don't know do we even try to do an anniversary

show this year and I said okay let's do it but with less people and it turned out really great. So thank you for being a part of it and thanks to the engineer team. And Kevin. And July, I'll throw July in there. Hey, thanks bro.

So let's talk about the episode. So Jason Manzugus is at the top then we talk to you as Brock Love It Oh, right. Who is the Treasure Hunter. Treasure Hunter Brock Love It

to the stars I believe I mentioned. So we'll talk to you in that clip and then Intergeno comes in and then the second clip is all of us talking to Lily

who plays Francesca Bolognaise who asked to be introduced as a social media expert and this is really funny and go ahead now say whatever you want about Lily because this is the time to talk about Lily. Lily is so funny I just want to shout her out.

I want to welcome her to the countdown. She really makes me laugh and I've really enjoyed hearing her more and more on Comedy Bang Bang. Did you call her a moron? Yeah, I love hearing this moron on Comedy Bang Bang. She doesn't know how funny she is.

She's an idiot. She's a fucking moron. This is broad. She can't tie her shoes but she makes me laugh. She's great. Personally, I first got to know her because this is not a secret but at the time

she was dating Tim Baltz As of this recording they are still a couple. They're no longer dating. They are still a couple though because now they are in games. So I got to know her personally but had never seen her

work and then had her on the show and she's just been one of the great success stories for the last couple years on Comedy Bang Bang. So funny on every episode. Do you think we'll be invited to that Zoom wedding? Do you think they'll do a Zoom?

Or do you think they'll wait? I don't know. I don't want to wait. I don't want to wait. I don't want to wait. I don't want to wait. I don't want to wait. I don't want to wait.

I don't want to wait. We've been key figures in their lives. I think so. I mean, we're almost responsible for them being together. I would say that the money that we paid them or we paid Tim to be on a bajillion dollar properties

made him not seem like a broke ass loser. And the money you paid Lily to stay off of a bajillion dollar property. Yes. Yeah, that was even more. She was always trying to get in there on camera. Oh, she's wily. Let's hear these clips.

This is your episode number seven. Number seven. He's been on the show many times. He's a hunter, and in fact, he is a treasure hunter. Please welcome back to the show, Brock Love It. Hello, Brock. Scott, can you hear me? Do you read me? I do read you.

I do hear you as well. I just want to make sure we have a good connection so you can hear me okay. We have a great connection. Jason, you can hear Brock. I can. Brock, it's an absolute pleasure to meet you. I'm kind of embarrassed to say I'll swing the camera around so you can see.

I'm on David Geffen's yacht. Oh, wow. Oh, that is beautiful. Look at that sunset. It's a great yacht. And, you know, I feel bad because I know that, you know, people got mad

at him because he was, you know, instigated. You know, you know, because he was, you know, Instagramming about being on his yacht and it just seemed kind of gross. But, you know, me, I love the ocean. That's where all the treasure is.

I love wet treasures. The wetter the better. Is that still your tattoo, Scott? The one you say you'll always get? Inspired by Brock, of course. No one seems to get it. Hey, Jason, how are you? Pretty good, bro. Pretty good.

I like your red shirt. I appreciate it. Pretty cool. You want to stick with that? Brock, I have to ask, did you get on to David Geffen's yacht after he Instagrammed it because you were tempted, or have you been on there since the beginning? Okay, this is where it gets tricky.

Hmm. Someone call Run DMC. Yes. Why? Well, they'd be very interested as tricky things are there available. I've got Daryl's number. Let me call him. Okay.

Jam Master J, unfortunately, no longer with us. He's already passed away. But Run and DMC, Rev Run, of course. Rev and Run, yeah. Daryl McDaniels. That's right. That's all of them. We did it. It's McDaniels, not McDonald's. Okay.

Do you say that anytime you encounter? Well, the rhymes are Daryls, but the burgers are Ronalds. What? I'm sorry, Brock. Are you in a Run DMC cover group? Like, what's happening? We're sponsored by Run DMC.

I'm sorry, but Brock, I know you've... You're sponsored by Run DMC. This episode is this comedy-bang-bang episode. In fact, just by Run DMC. That's interesting. Be it tougher than leather, raising hell, whatever you're into, Run DMC can cover it.

Sponsored by Nostalgia. But Brock, I know that you've been under the ocean for too many years, really, to have too much of a familiarity with Run DMC. So those were lyrics I was quoting. No, I've heard of Run DMC.

I just don't know that McDonald's thing confused me, I guess. I'm not as familiar with their lyrics, but I know who they are. I didn't live under the ocean. Brock, can I ask you a question? Of course you can. Is now...

And perhaps this is even why you're on David Geffen's yacht. Now that everything is kind of quiet and everything is shut down, is now a particularly good time to hunt for treasure, because there aren't other competitors? Well...

That's kind of what I thought. And I'll come clean. I stowed away on David's yacht. He did it by me. I thought this guy, if I know anything about rich people of big boats, they're cowards. And they like...

They have these things... They have these big extravagances where they can weight out natural disasters. And so that's what I'm going to do. Stow away on his yacht. I'm pretty proud of myself. I called it. But... I really thought, okay, here's what I'll do.

I'll hide during the day and then I'll hunt for treasure at night. It seems like night... Isn't it darker under the sea at night? Or is it... I really don't know. Is it exactly as dark? I would assume that if it's dark

above water, it's daytime under water. Is that true? Listen, under the sea, it's very dark there. There's rotten bark there under the sea. Now, I don't know what that is. I'm too busy listening to Run DMC.

I'm just explaining under the sea to you. Yes, it is darker, but I have state-of-the-art equipment. I have a suit that I can put on where I can essentially just dive solo by myself

down under the depths and search for treasure. Obviously, I can't go down to the sea floor, but I knew this guy wasn't going to go that far out. You're not going out into the deep, deep ocean where it's like the pressure

has come too powerful. You're in more where I'm sure David Geffen would prefer to go beautiful locales and so forth. Yeah. Everything's blue there, nothing to do there under the sea.

What happened was the suit has lights on it to enable me to find treasure. Of course, it makes everything very scary because all of a sudden a fish will swim in front of your light and you get freaked out. This is like a suit

sort of like the electric horseman. It has lights all over it. That is exactly my inspiration for this suit. It essentially, I look like a Christmas tree because the lights are colored and they blink on and off. It's also that helps me

I thought it would help ward away predators, because you got to figure any, like a barracuda, a shark, whatever, I'll see that and say this is out of my frame of reference, no thanks. This is out of my jurisdiction.

It's not my bailiwick, but there's a lot of smaller fish. They love flashing lights because they think that's got to be something smaller than me that I can eat. This has been a problem. I'm covered with tiny fish.

Sometimes it makes it harder to see the treasure. Like a what? Some sort of fish rave where you attract the lights and they just think it's a party. And I'm feeding them ecstasy. Oh wow. I'm feeding these little fish.

So you're just underwater at night just rolling hard with fish. No, I'm not. Look, I don't partake, but I figure I'll give these fish an experience I've never had before. Are you selling them ecstasy? Are you an underwater dealer?

Well what? This is ridiculous. What money would they have to give me? Clams. Oh yeah. The currency of the sea. You're not going to go with sand dollars? No, I'm not.

They're so fragile. You're talking to the guy who wrote Shark Tail. You're going to go back to Flintstones with clams. Brock, are you following a treasure map? Or are you just freestyling? Are you the kind of guy that's...

A lot like Run DMC did. It's a little of both because a lot of times I'll have a map and then sometimes that'll turn out to be someone swindled me. Here's one word of advice for future treasure hunters.

If somebody wrote it on a napkin, don't buy it. It's probably a fake. There are treasure hunter rules like that. Here's what you want to look for. You want to look for old cracked parchment. You want to look for words spelled with unnecessary

ease. Anytime there's a dragon, absolutely. That's probably the genuine article. I would think that right now there aren't a lot of treasure hunters out there, but at the same time there aren't a lot of people leaving treasures.

If you're a treasure hunter, I would think there'd be a take a treasure, leave a treasure policy in place. How much active treasure leaving do you think is happening in present time? Is it at the point of treasure hunting you're looking for ships that

crashed 200 years ago or sank 200 years ago or whatever? That's a good point, Jason. Let me explain what treasure is because I don't think we've ever defined it on the show. First of all, if you leave it on purpose, you're going to find a treasure. Do you know what I mean?

I'm sorry. In the book that has treasure in its very title, Treasure Island, are they not trying to find the treasure that a pirate left there in order to safely keep it?

It was like underground was the banks during treasure time. They leave it there for people to find. That's the distinction I'm making. You're saying take a treasure, leave a treasure. I'm taking issue with you and your words. So you're using my words

against me? That's exactly what I'm doing. You didn't even see that coming. If you go into the 7-Eleven, and they have a take a penny, leave a penny, and you see the penny in there, you don't say, I found a penny. What a treasure. I certainly do. By the way, I take that penny and then I put it

right back so I can leave it. So you think it's take this penny and leave the same penny. So, treasure by its nature is something you are taking from someone else who is either dead

or not around. That's what makes it treasure. What is this distinction you make, Brock? When does treasure become someone else's property? Like if Scott and Coolop were to leave the house

and not be around. Is their house full of treasure? Is their house flooded? This is an important detail. And then we get back to it has to be wet in order to be considered treasure. If it's underwater, it's treasure. Brock, you know what? I have

huge update for you. Global warming wise, because the coasts are going to flood, because water levels are going to rise so high. Let me stop you right there. This isn't news to me. There's going to be so much underwater treasure. I've heard of. Yeah, I've heard.

You don't think I think about this all the time? Like all of coastal United States is going to be just underwater. Houses full of treasure and the corpses of the people that weren't able to get out in time. This is all I'm thinking about all the time. That's another reason

why I stowed away in David Geffen's yacht because I was thinking about it too much. And I said, I got to get back to my roots and underwater. Fine and treasure left by people who wore plumed hats hundreds of years ago. So I have to ask, if someone's house just floods like

the pipes in their basement break and suddenly their house floods and they have to leave it and go stay in a hotel, you think that's fair game. We've been over this. If the treasure is just if you just spill some water in your bathroom and you get a pearl

a set of pearl earrings wet, that's not treasure. But if there's six inches of water in your house and you have a valuable watch that's in that six inches of water, it might

be treasure. That's treasure. It might be treasure. If you have six inches of water in your treasure, if you turn on a fire hydrant and the water shoots down your chimney into your living room and

continues to fill your home with water enough to cover a valuable tea coffee table that just might be treasure. You might have some treasure. This is house. I thought, okay, I thought

I'd get back to my roots, look for treasure in the ocean. They are moored off this weird little island, right? It's a strange island. There's maybe one human person that lives there and then the rest is these strange woodland creatures

are all wearing clothes. There's like some raccoons, there's a hippopotamus, there's a... They're all wearing clothes. They're all wearing little and here's the thing, they're all the same size as each other. So like the hippopotamus is the size of a raccoon, but

the raccoon is the size of a person. Okay, are they walking on two legs? Everybody's walking on two legs. Do they have structures that they're able to live in? Domiciles? Structures, domiciles, you mean like

houses? Yeah, I mean like houses. Yeah, they have houses. Why are we putting on fancy? I don't know. Are we putting on airs here? I feel like you're trying to trick me. Hey, listen, they might live in apartment buildings. I don't know. I couldn't figure it out because when I tried to talk

to anybody, you know, I'd sneak out there and I'd try to talk to anybody. I couldn't understand their language. They had their own language. What did it sound like? It sounded like... Here's the thing. So I went looking for treasure, right? Because I gathered

from the way these creatures were talking that there must be treasure to be had. They seem very excited about certain things. One time I saw the human dig up a bag of money and I thought, okay, there's treasure here. This was weird. I'd never seen this before and it goes against my principles as an underwater

treasure hunter. I'd see like a gift tied to a balloon floating in the sky. I'd shoot that down with my trusty slingshot and then when I'd open it up, it would be like a household item. Wait, so I'm trying to figure out exactly what you're talking

about because at first I thought it was an island of Dr. Moro thing and now then I thought it was an animal crossing thing. What's animal crossing? Animal crossing is it's a video game that I believe David Geffen might have actually. Why do you believe that?

Because he's rich and I think don't rich people... They just buy one of everything. Do you think animal crossing is just for the rich? If I were rich, I would buy one of everything that was on earth. No matter what no matter what it was.

You just have a guy who just buys you one of everything. So then even within a game system, he buys one of every game. Were you playing a video game while you were on this boat at all? Scott, I've never played a video game in my life. What?

The first video game I ever saw was Tank Battle on the original Atari and I thought this is an instrument of war and that goes against my principles. I mean that's what the movie War Games was basically based on. That's why I wouldn't see it.

All I care about is being kind to my fellow human beings and treasure. I never finished that movie because when it said do you want to play a game I said no thank you and I turned it off. You just turned off the movie. I turned off the movie. I was like

I'm here to watch a movie I'm not here to play a game. Do you think every character in every movie is talking to you and asking you questions? No, they're interacting with all of the characters inclusive of myself. So when Humphrey Bogart says

we'll always have Paris in Casablanca he's including you and Ingrid Bergman. But when he says play it again Sam I know he's talking to Sam. Because he only says Sam. Anytime there's a first person addressed in a movie and the name is not specified

it could include you. And I'm using the information at hand to decide whether or not I should respond and I frequently do. What about when that guy in Annie Hall keeps calling Woody Allen Max. Were you confused by that? Did you think he was talking

to you as well? When he keeps going no because my name isn't Max. But Woody Allen's name isn't Max either. Yeah, nobody's name is Max in the movie. In the movie? Yes in the movie. What do you think we're talking about? The video game?

The video game? The video game of Annie Hall is so you spend 40 minutes just playing squash just playing squash with Tony Roberts. That's like you play

so much squash and tennis in the Annie Hall video game. I couldn't get past the lobster level. Right. She is a social media expert. That's very exciting. A lot of social media happening right now.

A lot of somber videos happening on Instagram with people singing shakily. Perhaps she can talk to us about that. Please welcome to the show Francesca Bolognese. Hi Scott, thank you so much for having me here.

It's our pleasure. It's great to meet you Francesca. I'll be it not in person. My name is Francesca Bolognese. I'm not a social media expert but I get hired by big companies

to respond to comments on social media. You're not an expert in social media? I mean, I guess I am but I'm not going to talk about that. Wait, you are an expert in social media?

I am, yes. Before we get to the other thing I want to hear tips about social media. Well, I don't care if you're not here for it. I'm sorry to interrupt only because this is the first time we're meeting

and I'm not on any social media. I don't have Facebook or Instagram so I'm wondering for me, someone who's not on social media do you have any tips about social media? Good question.

I know because that's not why I'm here. I know you're not here for it but we want to hear it. Just give us and we'll get to your thing. Don't you worry about that. What's TikTok? I don't know. I've never done TikTok.

Any TikTok tips? Two minutes later. TikTok tips. My tip for TikTok is don't go on TikTok. It's a stupid shit. Are you saying DickDoc?

Because that is something very different that I do know about. DickDoc I like. You put up your dick and then you take a doc. I think you're talking about two different things. You do tunnels and stuff. Are you talking about the video game DickDoc?

Is that what we're talking about? You are a gamer. No, I'm not. Okay, but this is not why I'm here. Well, Francesca, it's great. It's great to talk to you. Great to talk to you, Francesca. Thanks so much for coming on the show.

I'm not going away. Because I want to join social media. Now that I'm quarantined and I have nothing to do, part of me is like, oh, maybe I'll join Instagram and Twitter. Maybe now is my time. I just don't know any tips for how to do it.

What about passwords? What are your tips on passwords? So, okay, no. No. Or profile pics. That's not what... My tip for password, you take one ex-boyfriend's name you cut in half.

Then you put another ex-boyfriend's name you cut in half. And then you put your favorite number, exclamation point. 69. This is great because then you can think about something over again.

Something tells me that is very truthful in terms of creating a password. And I would be very interested to try to crack into your computer now. Using what I know about you, which is nothing. Even though we've just met.

But this is not why I'm here. Okay, so what I do is a company like Bed Bath & Beyond. Sure, Triple B. They hire me. Is somebody comment on a Bed Bath & Beyond

Facebook? Do you think the beyond in Bed Bath & Beyond is the great beyond? I mean, if Eddie Muddy ever shopped there. That's what I'm asking. So, then what happened is... Then what happened is... I...

Let's say Diana. Princess Diana? No. She's dead. Princess Diana, I believe. I think she never had the opportunity to have a Facebook page. That's not what we're talking about.

So then... She was a fucking smoke show though, right? I guess. Absolute smoke. Barstool would have went ape shit for Princess Di. I responded. Let's say Diana comments something like

I got my computer at Bed Bath & Beyond. I find a bunch of hair in my computer. I want to send it back. Then I go on there. I comment.

Okay, Diana. You want to return a computer? Because of the hair? Because of you? You need to... You need to go take your Prius and go drive off a bridge, okay? Wow.

That is what my job is. What I'm here to talk about. Who's paying you Bed Bath & Beyond? How can I ever hear you troll people who are commenting negatively about them online? Exactly. But I respond

under Bed Bath & Beyond account. I just had a quick specific question about that. Is Bed Bath & Beyond selling comforters that are full of hair? I'm just saying that as an example, okay?

It sounds like a very specific example that you may have experienced a lot. I'll give you another example. Because I'm just doing a quick search right now and I am seeing that Bed Bath & Beyond was found to have quite a lot of just animal hair inside of their

comforters. Okay, well I'll give you another example. Let's say some company like I don't know, Bed Bath & Beyond hire me and somebody comment on the account on the Twitter and they say

I just got the new bunch of pillows from Bed Bath & Beyond. I opened up a pillow and inside I comment I comment

okay Brad so sorry about the hairs maybe you should maybe you should take your skateboard and go drive into traffic and this makes you a social media expert?

No, that's just something that she is on the side. I'm a social media expert that's not why I'm here. You claim to be one? I know that's the issue with you and your team because I did not say that.

Yes, I introduced you as such but after I introduced you you claim to be one as well. No, I said I guess I am one but that's not exactly what it's not where I am. Well I think I see the problem here. It sounds like you're a social media expert

and you want to be humble about it and you are but you don't want to be out here just shouting it. I mean what I do is so much more important than just being an expert on social media. I go in there

let's say it's Bed Bath & Beyond okay? Let's just say that. Only because we're talking about Bed Bath & Beyond again. How many of these products that you're referring to like 95? 98% of them?

Oh, percent? I say... Oh Scott, you thought you might have meant 95 out of 100. So like if David Geffen buys one of everything at Bed Bath & Beyond 95 is a small miniscule amount. Let's say we're on

LinkedIn. Okay, LinkedIn. Okay. And somebody commented on the Bed Bath & Beyond page. On LinkedIn. Okay, on LinkedIn. Because is LinkedIn trying to...

I don't know how LinkedIn works. Isn't that like a job posting? Wait, I gotta see where she's going with this. Okay, go ahead. Let's say that this is a Bed Bath & Beyond page on LinkedIn and

you go on the page and you... Everybody comment on the page. Oh, I was at Bed Bath & Beyond. My name is Jessica and I bought

the blender and I opened up the blender and inside I found a bunch of hairs. And so what do you say in a situation like that if someone says that? How do you even react to that? Okay, Jessica.

I'm so sorry that you got the blender and you found all the hairs. I'm so sorry for you. What hard day you must have to find all the hairs? Why don't you take your

scooter and go drive it into the ocean where you go and get killed by a shark. Oh, wow. So it's not just the driving into the ocean and drowning. There are sharks.

Francesca, do you have to research what vehicle all of these people own before the specific message that you leave to them? It's not very hard, it's in their profile picture. Oh, it's always in a profile picture? Every time. Wow. A lot of people

that go to Bed Bath & Beyond, let's say for example, they always have them driving in their car. I would imagine, yeah, Brock, your profile picture has a big boat on it. Of course it does. But I'm in the water in front of the boat.

Oh, I couldn't tell. I'm holding up some doubloons and giving a thumbs up. Now, Francesca, you saying that you know this about profile pictures demonstrates a decent amount of social media knowledge.

That's not why I'm here today. That's not what this is. It's not some kind of seminar for you guys to take all this information. Okay, that's not why I'm here. Right. I am here. Why are you here? It doesn't seem like you have a purpose yet.

You're just telling us what you do. Okay, why I'm here is that if you want to go to some place that like, let's say for example, Bed Bath & Beyond. Let's say that if you want to go to there, okay, fine.

Go. I'm not stopping you. But why why you got to go online afterward and say, oh, I opened up my box of frames

and inside the frames in between the glass was all these pairs. All I'm saying is don't why, why do it? Why you got to be so angry, Megan?

Why you so angry, Todd? If Megan and Todd didn't do this, you would be out of a job though. I mean, you could look at it that way. You know, no, I'll never be done. Okay, all right. Number seven.

Oh, so good. Funny number seven. After that in the show Carl Tart comes on his Roland gift, the lead singer of Fine Young Cannibals and Ego comes on as Dairy Queen.

Oh, that's right. So you can hear that episode in full if you go backwards through the canon. All right, but let's go forward into a commercial right now. Let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to listen to episode six.

That can't be true. Is it true? It's entirely true. All right, let's just do it. Let's go to the break right now. All right. All right, see ya. Howdy bang bang, we're back here. What a break that was. Oh, an amazing break. How sweet the sound that saved

the wretch like me. Stop being so hard on yourself, bro. A wretch. Boy, people did not think highly of themselves back in Jesus' time. There was no such thing as self-esteem. There really was. And now we have too much of it.

Hey, if the night offends the, pluck it out. Was that the only solution? Take a break. Go on vacation. Take a break. Take a break. Take a break. What is that? And Kevin, it's Hamilton. It's all Hamilton. It's all Hamilton to me. Hey, this is all Hamilton to me.

What am I? Is that Galvanagos? A Greek? To me? By the way, I'm fluent in Greek. I used to say, I would say it's all Greek to me. By the way, I'm fluent in Greek. I used to say, who would you say this to? I don't know.

Friends, lovers, acquaintances. The friends? Matt Perry, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow. Lisa Kudrow and I did work together one day. We did promos for the MTV Movie Awards. Wow. Brian Posane

and Lisa Kudrow and I were two nerds who were much like the Star Wars Phantom Menace at the time. We're camped out outside of the MTV Movie Awards trying to get in. And we then bothered her as she arrived

for rehearsal or something like that. And it was very fun improvising with her and she was great and very nice. Was she a groundling? She was. And I've never seen her since. But we... Oh yeah, she disappeared. It's one of those things. You know how when you're hired on a show

sometimes there is a hierarchy where it's like the people in charge of the show or the main stars there's a distance between you not necessarily like their mean or anything but it's like you're not one of them.

Right. You have somewhere else to sit and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was one of those situations where it was like she was a groundling Brian and I were on Mr. Show just like even though she's one of the most famous people in the world at the time she just accepted us as a peer

and was like, hey, come back to my trailer and we just hung out in her trailer. Yeah, very nice person. And I mean, what happened there? Well, that's where the story gets good. We're going to take a break. And listen to a clip. We have a trailer and listen to clips.

All right. All right. Let's get to it. This is you guys voted on it. This is your episode six. Number six. You always say you guys voted on it like it's a fucking... Hey, my edge of town.

Look, there's nothing I can do. If it was up to me, it would be a lot different. Oh boy. This is episode six, of course. Comedy Bang Bang episode 677 from October 12th. Just a mere two weeks after the Come Play episode.

Right, but Halloween is still coming up, so... Sure, yeah, a mere 50 weeks away. This will be from what? You said it was when? Oh wait, no, it's October 12th. You're right. No, this is two weeks earlier than the Come Play episode. So it's October 12th

before Halloween. Sure. But it's Halloween month, so spooky things happen. All month long. All month long, spooky season. It is spooky season. Unfortunately, that does not play into this, so I don't believe you'll have any kind of hits. I bet I can make it work.

All right, let's see. Tim Gunn style. This is episode 677. This is called the Calvin's Family Telethon Extravaganza. Okay. Do you know what I'm talking about here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a fan? It's the Calvin's Triplets,

first of all. That's right. Which is... I mean, let me give the names out. It's Taryn Killam. People will remember from Saturday Night Live. It was on that show for a good four years. And then that shows single parents, I believe.

Oh yeah, single parents, yeah. Yes. And then his SNL compatriot that he was on a few seasons with, Paul Britton. Yes, from Great Britain. Yeah, well. And then...

The name is Britton. You know him from Great Britain. And then Ryan Gall. From the $1,000,000 properties. He was added to the cast and the last OG. He... Originally, Taryn and Paul wanted to do an episode together. So several years ago, and several studios ago,

we did an episode where right before we started, Paul and Taryn said, so what do you want to do? I think it was Paul... Paul said the famous phrase something with horses.

Something with horses? Or he said, what about we're promoters of horse boxing? I think is what... Oh, that's... Maybe a little more... Maybe he just said something with horses. I don't remember. And we improvised it the entire time. But one of the best episodes I think of the show... Episode!

It's a grepisode, and they've been back sporadically. We haven't wanted to do it too much, but they've been back sporadically to come back to the Calvin's Twins. Beaver, Hope, Pox and Chico hands are their names, but they're the Calvin's Twins. And then Ryan Gaul got added

as a Bisbee St. Hancock, who is one of the Calvin's triplets. We found out they had a long-lost brother. So we've done those episodes a few times, and they have a... The first episode they did, they rift that they had a horse fighting

ranch, and the name of it was the Calvin's Twins horse fighting ranch and bee honey farm, I believe. And we, for some reason... We have never talked about the bee honey part of it. And my mind has never gone to asking questions about the bee honey.

Bee honey? That's the only kind there is, right? It started to make me feel crazy. Right. That's the only way we get honey. I don't know why I've never asked about the bee honey, and with this one, just like all the other episodes,

nothing planned, and we just started talking, and somehow we fell into talking about the bee honey, which turns into a major, major thing, and this one takes all sorts of twists and turns. Let's listen to it. This is your episode 6.

Number 6. So, maybe we could just sort of brainstorm solutions for your situation, because I, quite frankly, I don't know how you're going to get... Because at the level you need to be under 250 million...

Millions of tons. And you have 750 trillion tons. Yeah. We're way over. Why did you make so much? It's taffy season. We just do it. We just put it on autopilot.

Those taffy plants will loom in this year, Scott. Sure. But it seems like you could maybe make it to order, especially in a year where a lot of people don't have disposable income and we're waiting for... Well, then what do you do if you have a family pull up and they want some taffy just on... Maybe they're on their way...

As an impulse buy? To go to the lake or something. And if you have to look at a family in the eye and say, we don't have any taffy right now, we're going to have to make it. What flavor do you want? That's our little nightmare. So, you guys,

I think that you could split the difference between 750 trillion pounds and being out if one family ever comes by the taffy farm. It seems like there's a middle ground there. I'll admit it, Scott. We were arrogant. We thought in this time of

pay... Once in human history, global pandemic, people are going to be sitting at home. People are going to be needing to fill the hours. And what better way to fill an idle hour than with some taffy? Well, guys, I don't know how that you're

going to sell this much taffy. I mean, of course, you could burn the taffy. Of course, you could put it in a landfill. But the agreement with the taffy god obviously states that it needs to be sold. It needs to be purchased. Well, we were hoping you could help us with that, Scott.

Maybe we could start a comedy bang bang telethon right now. Oh, sure. Yeah, we could have people call in. We could have you guys doing sort of variety acts and stuff like that. So, yeah, why don't we start it off here? It'll be sort of like the Jerry Lewis

telethon, which is something that I used to watch as a child, which would go all night for 72 hours and Jerry would stay awake. Of course, we don't have that kind of time. If we can stay awake for the next, say, half hour or so, we could do one right now. All right. I'm willing to try.

Do you need to take some caffeine pills or anything like that? I could do my stand up. Yeah, this sounds great. So, why don't we start it now? This is does it have a special title?

Probably the Calvin's Family B honey taffy farm and horse rotten fan ranch taffy God taffy God stopping flip flopping fab five and staying alive

in a dog disease colt 45 and hullabaloo telethon extravaganza so if I have this right, it's the Calvin's Family B honey taffy farm and horse fighting ranch taffy God stopping

flip flopping fab five and staying alive in a del dizim sizing colt 45 hullabaloo and I think I missed the last part of it. Telethon extravaganza telethon extravaganza All right. Do we have

a theme song for this? Yep. Welcome to the Telethon Why doesn't it have a title if you're not going to say it? Oh sure. Welcome to the Calvin's Family B honey taffy farm and horse

fighting ranch taffy demon stopping flip flopping fab five and staying alive in a del dizim sizing colt 45 and hullabaloo telethon extravaganza why don't you go ahead hmm hmm

oh no you're falling why don't you go ahead and call the number that I'm sure Scott is going to gladly provide where did you the telethon is just starting one of our one of our phone operators

to make a sizable purchase of Calvin's Family wake up make a sizable purchase of Calvin's Family taffy to make a great holiday gift and you know what they say it's not bad it's good

it's good call us here at 1-800-0 800-00 and you can talk to one of the Calvin's triplets here so oh it looks like we're getting a call here line one you're on the line hey hey guys

hey a big fan of your stuff sorry to hear about the whole demon situation but just really would love to make a purchase for my family great may we have your name sure yeah my name is Dylan and I'm actually

repeat purchaser of Calvin's Family taffy best taffy in the world if you ask me welcome home yeah thanks yeah so I would love I'm going to use them as holiday gifts this year and I cannot highly recommend it enough

and I would wait a moment which holiday is it a holiday gift? yeah I'm going to use them for secretary's day okay when is that usually

I think we call them assistants now I'm sorry I misspoke a secretary it's day oh okay the anniversary of him winning correct so I found the Calvin's Family through the horse fighting initially and got season tickets

kept that going on ever since what is horse fighting season it seems like you guys do it year round year round yeah so you're there every day yeah 365 you know it 365 except for Halloween when they shut down for that day just to see all the horse first

um and I thought they were watching The Walking Dead that day that's what I meant I misspoke it's confusing it's bad as gory as those zombies scott oh yeah

so yeah so obviously walking dead day we get off I spend that with my family but yeah I would love to order I'd love to order five tins of taffy please five tins does that end up being how many tons how many tons is a tin

a tin did you say tins or tins I said tins five tins well we have that's right the small which is just 12 pieces yep and we have the large large which is 25 pieces

and then we have the big the big old tin yeah that's what I mean so big old tin is a trillion tons of taffy whoa okay so you want the trillion tons so I'll take it guys if you can make this

sale you only have 749 trillion tons left to go minus 250 million tons I guess are you okay with them a mix of flavors yeah I'll take the variety pack no pork chop flavor please though

oh shit do you have enough for a trillion tons of I think all about but about like 20 to 30 pieces of pork chop flavor can I can I ask you what's going on

what's your problem with the pork chop flavor well I just um I just don't care for it did you have it because if you had last years last season's pork chop this season's very different

was there a problem last year with the pork chop flavor well yeah I went bad okay so it was like rancid meat flavors it felt like there were actual little pieces of pork chop in the peas they went rancid but they also solidified so it was like chewing on

taffy filled with rocks why do you like their taffy if you had this kind of experience I think it's tradition I love the tradition it makes me feel sentimental for early days at the horse fight I mean it's a tradition because you're there every day but Halloween walking dead day

that's right okay so can we interest you in this years flavor of the pork chop flavor a dry rub pork chop flavor and there's no chit last season we had pork chips

and this season it mixed in this season is just a puree it's a puree I think it's much smoother much smoother texture let no chunks can I ask this can you messenger me one piece of the current pork chop I'll try it and if I like

it I'll call back with the order where are you right now I am in Missouri son of a bitch do you have a horse fast enough go that would stop alright it's on its way hopefully it'll get there to you

oh look okay the door somebody's at the door you're hearing a hoof knock at the door thank you alright I'm just gonna unwrap this little piece of taffy oh you wrap it in paper

oh look at that you have to click the user agreement okay here we go what magazine did you get let's see what is this oh I got a highlights a children's highlights from 1972

that's fun I already see a couple things wrong between these two pictures alright I'm gonna try the taffy now don't get wrapped up in that try the taffy there are puzzles in the back oh oh

oh how's it yeah you keep saying it sounds like you're we don't have the full hour to savor this taffy oh really? oh no you're gonna have to make your decision right now oh but that's how I consume

Calvin's family taffy sure we all do we all do but if I could get a preliminary note taking time with the taffy reading the magazine getting the full taffy experience you guys I've come to a decision

I'm not gonna continue with my order I'm gonna order seven hundred and forty nine trillion seven hundred sure and forty nine trillion

seven hundred and fifty one million million tons whoa guys that'll put you nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred

and ninety nine pieces oh my god that's amazing that'll put you right over the edge what was your name again just under I think what was your name again sir my name is Dylan Preaches you're not looking too good

you're sweating you've turned a strange color of uh oh yeah I can't taste the taffy anymore I can't smell the taffy either oh no I'll think he's got the COVID-38

oh no did you infect your taffy with COVID-38 not on purpose sure but no one does it on purpose but I'm bound to happen all that COVID-38 floating around oh no are you gonna be alright sir

oh he's coughing like a horse oh no I gotta go bye guys be sure to send all that taffy yeah we'll send it I don't think I oh you gotta feel bad he hung up before cancelling his order so I'm not quite sure

where that leaves us the cod cleared I thought he said send the taffy he did say send send the taffy but it also made him sick and possibly dying which I don't know whether it's hey you gotta get it out there that's our other taffy catchphrase

hey I might make you sick but it's worth it can you check just to make sure he hasn't put a stop payment there on the let me just look no there is a note in the account what's a note say

hold on I'm pulling it up chico come on chico let's uh you know I know you're impatient chico you're the most impatient of the triplets are you not I'm fine with that label sure a little bit impatient what's the dang note say

send the order as fast as possible but make sure when you send it I'm still alive so we should we need to make sure that he's still alive I don't even get this note into this account

yeah I'm not quite sure well we can do a credit card purchase note we sent a credit card purchase note we can do a reverse trace on the call and call him back so let me star 69 yeah star 69 and here we go hello

hello hello this hey hello this is the telethon you just called into the telethon how did you get this number this might be one of those fake answering machine messages it's perfectly anticipated what you're saying

I don't know I'll have to ask my wife this is a fake answer wait wait wait sorry go back and repeat that we're from the telethon you just called in so should we send the table but but but but but can I ask a question sure why is it happening

should do we send the taffy or not uh-huh uh-huh you bought it you said you want to buy it unless you're dead well that's something hey guys I'm just kidding it's Dylan Treacher to reach my answering machine oh no that's a good message I'll get back to you

as soon as possible hey Dylan are you dead Dylan Dylan hey there's the galvan's triplets we're just making sure that you enjoyed the pork chop taffy you survived the ingestion of it

and you still want this 700 and 49 trillion 749 uh million 999999 pieces of taffy

call us back at 1-800-00-800-0 and uh yeah ask him if you want ask him if he wants a coupon code do you want to enter a coupon code no you don't want the coupon code

by the way that's that is 800-0's we want to make sure people maybe that's why we're not getting a lot of calls it's 800-0's in a row not 1-800 shouldn't have told him about that coupon code oh wait we're getting a call we're getting a call hello

you're on the telethon it's still in i'm completely fine so we can ship that out to you right now please ship it to me i do want to inquire about this coupon code oh shit god damn it son of a bitch

yeah um listen i feel as a long time loyal buyer i'm kind of like i'm kind of entitled to using the coupon code quite frankly i think the one october will actually october great i'll use that one gee it's gonna

it's gonna make this order free and your next six orders are gonna be free as well you are responsible for shipping um so i will have to take your card down chicco is there any kind of shipping clause can you what if you charged

him for a lot for the shipping more so than it would actually take to buy the stuff would that get is there some sort of work around there that's interesting i like that idea i like that because i this dylan guy doesn't seem too smart i feel like we could pull a fast one on him

this is dylan i'm still on the line oh wait a minute wait a minute is this another one of his fake uh-huh uh-huh yeah i've already uh-huh

you bet how did this happen to us again hey guys i'm killing it's still in god i'd like to know who you're voting for this presidential election if you're voting for by Paris please press one if you're voting for trump and press to have a marvelous day

how do you have a he had the coupon code on his robot ah number six hmm so good that um of course the the phone calls continue that that's something that i just threw out

there and taren picked up on and does and of course he immediately does it perfectly like those fake uh fake answering machine uh i mean they're not fake they are answering machine messages that are fake uh you think that you've called the real person

you know and of course once i brought that up of like is this just one of those answering machines that's he's pretending he of course goes immediately into uh-huh uh-huh like he's he's so good at to at like really one of the quickest guys around so good all three of those guys are funny

funny and a great addition to their canon um we're gonna take a break but when we come back we're gonna crack the top five we gotta do it guys we can't we can't keep it on cracked we have to crack it that shell is calling to me

it is all right we'll be right back with your episode five after this comedy bang bang we're back here with paul f tompkins that's right we're counting down your top 16 episodes of the year of 2020 and

i mentioned it before the break and i couldn't even believe it was happening but we are cracking the top five paul you know what you did mention before the break i couldn't believe it and i thought it was a filthy liar right well i wouldn't go that far but i thought when we come back from the break he's gonna have a different story he'll have changed his tune yeah he'll guess

what la la la it's exactly baby in the city what is it baby oh it's not big in the city but in in babe i remember in the in the trailer yes that's right he sings la la la in the trailer to babe yes he does he famously is referenced

on the the podcast web crawlers it's a it's a reference they often make but that in the trailer for the original babe at one point babe is he's just so happy to be a pig that he sings la la la that he sings la la la

i don't remember that but now i'm gonna watch that yeah the one thing in a trailer that no one remembers i feel like neil mohoney and i used to talk about this is in there was a movie that jonathan lipp nicky was in with a vampire

oh yeah and uh hold a second yeah not a real vampire it was about a vampire oh oh yeah i didn't get that it was not like it was not like a buddy cop movie and the actor happened to be a vampire like that Jay Leno pepperita

film so he the right pepperita was vampire maybe it was a kid vampire or something like that i don't remember i sort of i feel like i can almost see the cover art yeah of the vhs but the the part of the trailer that i remember is the vampire

says to jonathan lipp nicky surprise this is like their first meeting and he goes you're alive and jonathan lipp nicky says and i want to keep it that way dude ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha so he used to say i want to give you that way dude

all the time ha ha ha ha i want to keep it that way dude i don't remember having a little gravelly voice did he he did i think he did at least for that movie i want to give you that way dude i want to give you that way dude

he had a really hard time singing ha ha ha ha chinova da liby you and jonathan what that's my other impression of i've i swear we've talked about this on three of them the guy in west side story who played the malt shop owner or whatever

yeah chinova da liby you and jonathan because you did a different voice i couldn't understand what you were saying what do you kill what do you kill chinova da liby you and jonathan all right let's crack that top five

this is the final episode hold on a second you be the vampire and ask me the question and i'll because i think this would be a better line okay you're alive all day which i guess at night he's a vampire so that doesn't answer

the question he's vampire all day but he's asleep during the day oh that's true okay but but libniki's not a vampire no libniki he's alive and he wants to keep it he wants to keep that way dude all right let's do it this is your episode five number five okay episode five is alive

is alive five is alive this is uh why are they rebooting short circuit does anyone care about short circuit to cast an actual asian actor agreed agreed but my point is does the name does the title short circuit mean anything to anyone anymore

every once in a while they do that with a property or it's just a new movie with the same premise you don't have to pay for the license battleship well that's the hasbro company trying to anyway what are they trying to do they're trying to expand their IP

why are they trying to expand your IP all right this is episode 649 this is right before the 650th episode this is right in the middle of the 600s this is april 6th and we're waiting

for an episode called goose tycoon it sounds familiar yes okay so who do we have we have uh john gabris as intern gino uh ego wodum as entrepignur who we heard uh previously on on the countdown

uh we have carl tart as oj simpson you take care which i don't think we've ever talked about him on the countdown but carl carl came in uh i think a year and a half or two years ago and said he wanted to do oj simpson based on oj's twitter presence yes

which is basically him he had just joined twitter and he would start every video going hey twitter world and then he would end with you take care and carl just did that over and over and this was with jimmy parto i believe maybe it was on the countdown i don't remember

i think it's been on the countdown i made the choice of not having kept up with oj's career since like the late 80s and so i don't know anything about him being a murderer oh i thought that carl stipulated that no i think he maybe he just said don't ever ask me about the murder

or something in any case so those three are earlier than the clip we're going to hear but the clip we're going to hear is our good friend drew tarver drew tarver who we also know from bajillion dollar properties where he played the partner of ryan gall from the previous clip

coincidence yes yes it is a coincidence alright so this is april 6 so this was one of the first episodes that we did over zoom and it's when quarantine first started do you remember what everyone was

doing in the early days of quarantine washing their hands and they stopped then we all realized this is stupid we're not going anywhere no everyone was watching a little television show called tiger king i renounced tiger king

and all of his works so drew really i think everyone was saying maybe when tiger king came out immediately that tiger king was like a drew tarver character immediately people were i saw people messaging drew yes like it was it was

unavoidable yes drew is he's from georgia we've met his parents at the georgia tour stop where he killed in front of his parents yes it was one of those rare things that only he and neil cambell have ever done i believe and he's a southern improviser

genius improviser but everyone was saying tiger king is you so he decided to come on the show i think he reached out to me and said hey can i come on and do a tiger king type thing and this is what he came up with it is so silly let's hear it this is your episode 5 number 5

he is the subject of a recent documentary please welcome roger peculiar hey how are you doing you're doing all right doing good you have a voice that that naturally sounds like a zoom freezing

is that true so it's not going through very clear no no we can hear you crystal clear just your voice sounds naturally like like you know how when the sound elongates when a zoom freezes you just you sound like that constantly yeah i sometimes i have

i grew up next to a internet facility what do you mean like a house with internet it's a public library oh you grew up next to a library do you ever check out a book from there

yeah i went in there i checked out a couple books i got da Vinci code from dan brown how did you like that one i did not end up reading it and i returned it 24 days later 24 and how long was the rental period

what do they call it it was a quick read it was just a two day i've borrowed so many things they only give me a two day leash at this point so now you have allergies a lot of people ask me that this is just my accent and my nose is gone to hell

oh okay roger let's let's dig in deep to your details here you are you from the south obviously you're from the south what yeah i'm from georgia you know i just figured it was a perfect time to promote my zoo documentary since tiger king has become so popular you have

a zoo documentary yes i'm here to promote my zoo documentary goose tycoon goose tycoon yes you know how joe exotic is a zookeeper for tigers and i am one for geese um add some ducks

add some swans did you make this documentary as a parody of tiger king because you're constantly relating it to tiger king i just want people to know where it's coming from it's you know it's very popular i'm actually pretty upset about it

okay so your documentary is not a reaction to tiger king no i've had this documentary going already yeah okay i've i've seen it scott i used to watch it with some friends and you've seen goose tycoon i watched like the first i guess first 40 50 episodes

there's there's a lot but uh there it was fun it was good i like a lot of it are these episodes that's a that is a complaint from a lot of people i am pitching the documentary to that it is just a hundred consecutive episodes of a small show are these quick bites

well i i wanted to pitch it to uh quibi um but i haven't been able to pitch it yet there i pitched it to uh to cbs all access uh sure i pitched it to siso to see they made

a sequel to siso yeah yes everybody said we're called peacock and i said and i just kept you're like it's always siso to me it's always siso to me i pitched it to redfin tv right the

the home buying app yes yes redfin tv what you can if you're looking for a mid-price condominium you can also see a little bit of content on that app now that's how i saw it a guy i used to smoke dust

with uh used to be a pa at redfin tv so he had some uh pitch materials and that's how we watched a sleepover party and my final pitch was to the iphone app wallet that yeah the thing

that comes on iphones that sort of organizes apparently they they're gonna keep your your uh your credit cards maybe a couple of boarding passes and then a couple of episodes of tv in there now okay right so when anytime you open it up hey i'd love an episode of television

in my actual wallet that would be great wouldn't that be great because you need something to do when you got you got your boarding pass out and you're waiting you got your shoes off and you're waiting there to go through the damn scanner and it's like i wish i could just watch a little something right here it's mainly

for when you put your briefcase through the tsa box until you walk to the other side that's when it you should be putting your you should be putting your phone in that tsa box so this this show is for you to watch specifically while you're getting

your body scanned at the tsa when you have to the problem with the wallet is and and but i want to i want to work with the wallet you have to always ask for additional screening so you so you can go through the thing where you can take your phone okay okay so you that's gonna be

so so it's there to waste time when you are asking for additional time exactly okay yeah it's a very specific time period that that you want people to watch your show well i didn't know it i'm not i don't

work for wallet i just want to be on that there right okay is all i'm saying and did they did any of these places buy your pitch no nobody everybody said no this sounds like a parody of another documentary

test take take us through what is it goose tattoo what was it goose tycoon tycoon my name is roger peculiar yes which also by the way if i if i gun to my head i would say sounds as well like a parody

of the person from tiger king so you're saying i ran all these words through a synonym generator is that what you're saying well i'm a real person that's not what happened you know sure but i i i am part

of the the goose the big bird conservationist community the the this isn't related to sesame street do you mean uh no no this isn't a larges just very large birds okay

um yeah and you know unlock tigers uh which are more valuable when they're younger geese are better when they're old oh okay so i'm always on the lookout for old-ass geese what do you mean by better and what do you mean

by i'm always on the lookout for well you know a geriatric goose from the black market breeder can cost 40 dollars um and i know a guy who will sell me one for 60 capri suns so basically basically

uh you want a goose when you got people watching your gooses um you got paying customers they're watching your gooses you want them to be old and docile uh so they are not attacking the people that are patting them

and that you're holding them next to their head so they can pat themselves i'm sorry it's a petting zoo for old geese well yeah we show them you can pat them and a lot of people keep telling me a wallet tv said this is not as exciting as tiger king

um it's geese aren't excited well i don't i don't even think it's just the geese i mean tiger king seems to have a lot of like murders in it and and i mean you're you're definitely an oddball well i have a i have a carol baskins

you have a carol baskins yes her name is angela dumpson angela dumpson i've had it with angela dumpson she is my carol baskins i would think it would be more like song 31 flavors so see you can't run

a name through a synonym thing because it'll change it to businesses but carol is also it's also a noun right oh i guess you meant baskins yeah but yeah my enemy is angela dumpson she's a goose protector

and she's always saying oh oh roger you can't keep geese they need to fly south for the winter and i said not if you buy them little tiny coats so have you killed anybody like uh in tiger king

isn't that a thing everyone has a theory oj didn't don't you have a theory about that oh i got a huge theory about it i think that that man joe exotic slice that woman up also that wasn't the question

what that's not what happens in the documentary they think carol baskin killed her husband i think that joe exotic got so upset because carol baskin was clearly cheating on him and embarrassing him in front of all of his friends

and i think that he went over there just to talk one day and all of a sudden her husband howard is also there and he's bringing back some glasses that carol left at the restaurant and i think he stabbed her right on up this doesn't sound believable

i'm just saying take care that is a conspiracy theory that i do not think exists for this movie you don't wait you don't think it exists it exists now because he said it but it is an off the wall

i guess so you don't think it's accurate it does exist though it's not accurate it exists but i've had it with agile adeptson who is my carol baskin what were you saying about her before tiger king came out what were you able to call her

before you saw this documentary tiger king has only been out like a week and a half at this point i just called her angela adeptson but now i get to say angela adeptson is my carol baskin she put me on a website she put me on a website

called knottygooseguys.net and i have had it with her right what else has she done well i got her back i trained one of my geese to steal one of her goose's eggs and he went over there

and he took it and he nudged it back to my place 14 miles with his beak it took him three weeks why didn't you drive him to the perimeter of her place i don't let the geese ride with me in the car anymore

because they're backseat drivers is that what happened in vegas well in vegas i'll tell you what happened in vegas some of the geese got loose in vegas and they did 600 dollars of damage to toby keats i love this bar and grill

that's a sad story yeah they purchased the mlb network on every flat screen with their beaks that's the damage the 600 dollars worth of damage yeah no one was hurt no property was harmed

that dam that dam old mlb network is very expensive in the hotel it's too much i think i remember hearing about this because you got in a little hot water because you were using that sedan as a you were also driving for lift

around vegas right yeah my left right my left right has severely suffered since i've been also trying to run a multiple geese petting business out of it but i do have

you have multiple businesses or you can pet multiple geese now you can pet multiple geese but i always tell i always tell them i have the nasty little white life savers what else do you want i don't know what you're talking about

i like those life i like those life savers i like the white ones individually wrapped white ones i like those white ones you know you don't like white life savers but like white everything else black life savers matter

those are the only ones what could they be would they be licorice flavored they could be whatever they want scott chocolate flavored scott if they wanted to switch it up i'm sorry i didn't mean to offend you entrey

by the way what race are you have we ever established all of them lj you are black you are blackity black black you know people have said otherwise over the years oj i'm looking at you

you're black you're looking at me i've always thought oj that i could relate to you though you thought that you could relate to me scott yeah you know you're one of the how do i phrase this you're gonna say one of the good ones no no no

just you're you heard it first scott ockerman says oj simpson one of the good ones you're just an american success story and something that we can all aspire to be scott i tell you i appreciate that tenfold a hundred fold

almost as many folds how many n95 mass i have sitting in my basement which is quite damp so some of them may be getting a little uh a little mold in those folds yeah some mold in those folds um roger i have to ask

any other uh details here on your goose tycoon documentary or what's been going on there well yeah i mean i do also sing you oh much like what's his name joe exotic joe exotic roger roger peculiar also has a singing

career roger from joe i didn't get it from your mom i'm older than him right right so but you you sing though i do sing uh yeah i got a few songs i got one out

called uh goose man let's hear a little bit all right you want to hear it hey now you're a goose man get your game on go play so that's how that one goes it's not even go what now

doesn't even rhyme with all star what is it rhyme with what all star i don't know what you're talking about the all stars like the baseball you heard the all stars nba all stars what's one of your other songs roger

this one's called mom goose bit my finger okay hey now goose bit my finger goose bit my finger get your game on go play what do i think about that i think it's a hit i don't want to argue anymore

i love them these these are my favorite kind of songs where they have different beginnings but all the same second line well you're gonna like this next one because it's it's nothing like the first two a lot of people are saying the first two are similar this last one is uh is completely

different what's it called last one you all got three so it's not a exactly a large uvra yeah i come with numbered only a few songs but this one's called beaks are just hard

mouths let's hear it all that glitters is gold only shooting stars break the mo whoa you didn't change any of the lyrics

on that one i love it thank you that's the beginning of that song number five yeah have you seen drew lately i his look

is very different yes i have and my question to him was so why is this happening i literally thought it was for a role and was shocked when he said it wasn't it's why he's got longest shaggy hair and a beard a full thick beard yeah he's cast away

essentially it's insane the beard is not quite that long no but if left unchecked that's where it's headed yeah i think i mean well you and i what was your first haircut

during quarantine i did home haircuts right which essentially was i have clippers and i put it on the uh because the last haircut i got it was kind of all one length right yeah so i was like here's what i'll do

i got these clippers put them on the longest setting and then i'll just i'll just go all over my all right yeah and it was not that bad and when was not that good this was in april or that was my hair was

oh because i had i had done um i'd gotten a haircut on a set i did an episode of the twilight zone that's the last thing i did i was in vancouver right and they cut my hair because everything's kind of like out of out of time on the show to ride that i was able to ride that for a while yeah and then and so i would

say i was simply out like a few months in i'd cut my own hair and did a you know like i mean look a decent enough job for the places i was going which was not many um but a decent enough job to appear on zoom right yes um and then you got cast on another show and you got one there right or

did they not give you one no i got i went right before that show that was in i want to say october late september early october do you remember i got a haircut at a salon huh um right before

that that's my last so a mask full haircut yes yeah yeah where it's like hard and you know they only let one person in at a time and got it you know all this shit taking temperature i've not been able to do that yeah i so i i i had gotten my previous to quarantine i'd gotten my previous haircut i think

six weeks early on haircut haircut in the basket you can't handle that haircut but i i was feeling shaggy when quarantine happened and then i went it wasn't me then i had a shaggy defense and then i went all the way to my

birthday july 2nd without getting one so i had the longest hair i'd had since i did joseph in the amazing technicolor drink code and i was 20 and they told us to stop getting haircuts and we had beards and haircuts to be bible people i liked your shaggy hair i thought it was good it was just too much i did i did

take the one picture the cover of our aborted podcast are you talking r-h-c-p re me i think you can i'm pro life oh i'm so sorry even podcast even podcast every podcast is special i don't want anything to be aborted

you don't want to be cancelled either but you can see my long hair in that but then i gave myself i bought i finally bought clippers i gave myself one on my birthday july 2nd when we went to see jaws and then i just gave myself one uh for uh jimmy partos uh part castathon whatever that was

that was in september or something so and maybe i'm due for another one soon i had one scheduled for tuesday and it was cancelled because we're going a quote back into lockdown oh yeah yeah everything's shutting again so but i'm also working on that show that i worked on before yeah rather

for falls and i have to let them know hey my hair is going to be a mess okay so get them prepared to well either widen out the frame a little bit i mean i just let them know maybe you want it to be this way or maybe you want to do something about it or whatever

so we'll see that's very considerate of you i remember the first time that uh i think during that very same joseph production where someone one of us got one of the cast members got a haircut in the middle of it and it was a big problem and that's where we all learned that you're not supposed to do that yeah

um but hair continuity is a thing and that you at least have to check with and in a play obviously there's no continuity but it was like hey we designed the look of your hair yeah for opening night yeah you're not supposed to change it i i think i've told you the story

i hope so but you'd love to read it so i don't have to hear it again no no go ahead i don't know what's going to happen now um when i was i would i would sometimes appear on the sarah silverman program right as a cop as jade johnston's partner right uh

and didn't i get your part because you couldn't be there or no that was a different cop who knows who knows i played many cops tig might have got my part because i couldn't be there one time i don't know we did the same on comedy bang bang tig was a cop for a while and then i think we cycled carl tart back in because she didn't want to do it anymore

or something so yeah um so i would go every every once in a while i get called in and do the sarah silverman program where the writers would tell me all the ideas they had for my character that never happened right yes always great they were like oh we had this great episode planned out where it was going to be you doing this and then we didn't do it

yeah and then um so one time i was there and the um the the uh woman in the hair department said oh no you're you're no cop has hair like this and so she gave me this haircut oh i wasn't a regular on that

show like put some fucking goop in it or whatever so then she gave me this haircut that i tried to correct over over like this course of several months where i would go to a place and say here's what i want you to do with my hair and then they would give me the same haircut that she gave me

for months and then finally i went to this place where i she's you know i this is your mind palace yeah one of my mind palace it was like when did i i went to this place that i'd gone before like this haircut that i really liked that

that had to i think she took time off to have a baby and then came back and i was like great i'm going to go back to her about nine months took off exactly nine months for the duration of the pregnancy and then as soon as the baby was born you it was conceived yeah she's like hey hey i just i just got laid back

there and i think i know what happened to the day so so i said i like told her the story and like here's what i'm trying to do you know i want it here's

how i want it you know and she went okay and then she started she started to do something like she got out some clippers and i was like oh actually could you not do that you know could you leave that long there yeah and she went

oh wait you told me that you didn't want me to do that right and i was like yeah and she's i'm i'm so sorry and it was like it was the weirdest thing it's like your hair is hypnotizing yeah it's like do people just have an idea of what it should look like and that's what they're doing and they're not hearing what i

say nowadays i just go like whatever you want to do just do it well here's what i like to do is i say make it look like i didn't even get a haircut yes that's what i say and that has worked that has served me in good stead yes and that way you're always getting your haircut like every three days

they just pretend to do stuff every three days well you know i go every week for a haircut of course it's my saturday i'm rich an exception yes well um speaking of making a day out of it we certainly did with this episode we're gonna have to leave

but we're gonna be back on thursday really for the final episode of the best of new year's eve we'll be back glad we closed it out with some haircut talk this has been haircut talk but we will be back where we will be discussing and playing clips from the top four episodes of the year

yeah we're gonna count it down all the way down we're gonna do it all the way down this year why not sure um all right you know that it's the end of the episode when we say our famous catchphrase of course keep smiling see ya bye