Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2021 Part 3

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

Scott and Paul F. Tompkins continue the Best of Comedy Bang! Bang! 2021 as they go countdown numbers seven through four of the Best CBB episodes of this year as voted by YOU listeners. Tune in Thursday for Part 4 to hear which episodes make the Top 3!

Oh, the weather outside was frightful but now it's so delightful. It's so delightful. I'm delighted. These are not catchphrase emissions, by the way. No. This just means talking extemporaneously. Listen to this.

Scott has a problem where when he starts the show, no matter what, he has to talk that way. And now I'm through it. Oh, it's finally over. Nothing through it, but to do it. By the way, we have flex wipes here. Yeah, isn't that great? Why are they called flex wipes?

Is it a flex that you would wipe things or is it like, are you supposed to flex while you, I don't know? Both. It's both. It's for gyms. Remember gyms? Restaurants and gyms? I didn't know I was cursing them when I talked about how shitty they were.

We also have goby labs, microphone spray. Microphones. Someone actually like put like, what'd they put? Like a little bit of alcohol and some water. And they figured out that there's going to be a lot of podcasting during the pandemic. And so they're like, hey, let's call this microphone spray. Yeah, we'll make a mascot too. What is it?

A little microphone? No, it's goby, a fish. Oh, okay. That makes a lot of sense. You know fish are clean? Sure. So your microphone can be as clean as a fish? Swim it around in water.

They're the cleanest thing there is. Let your microphone be as clean as a fish. With goby labs. Should we dump soap in the water just to clean everything up? I think if we did that, I think A would help. B would also give fish the experience of what it feels like to have a bath. A nice bath. Yeah, exactly.

Put some bath bombs in there. Bath bombs. Light some candles. Put them in the ocean. Dump a giant, like three mile wide bath bomb in the ocean and you got something. Oh, you've got more than something. You've got everything. You've got a clean earth.

All these fucking green peas, people. Hey Ted Danson, get your head out of your ass and listen to this. Dumb. What the fuck is you, Ted? Dummy? How would you thought of this? You're rich. I assume somebody of Ted Danson's wealth, he must have bath bombs all over, any near

any wet producing mechanism. Anyone who's rich, by the way, must be coming up with ideas all the time. All the time to stay rich and get richer. Once you get the taste for money, you want more and more. The almighty daughter. Like I bet the almighty daughter. If it's a daughter, is that the thing, the almighty daughter, it feels familiar to me. I'm going to look it up.

Look up the almighty daughter. It wouldn't surprise me if that was something we've said on this show before. It would surprise me. I'd be surprised. I'd be startled. Almighty daughter is a song by the Paleo Paranoid. Oh yes, my favorite band. They're probably great.

I'm going to look up almighty daughter, comedy bang bang, and see if we get any hits. Absolutely. Take a look. See if we get any hits. Some stuff is coming up. I don't know. Anyway. I don't know.

Anyway. I don't know. Anyway. Why do anything? Hi. I'm Scott Augerman. Hi. I'm Paul F.

Tompkins. And we are here. It's a Monday. If you're listening to this on the day it came out. Sorry Garfield. Sorry. But back to your lasagna. You fat piece of shit.

What are you so miserable about? You dumb asshole. You're a cat. Who eats human food? You're not having to have sex with a pig, are you? Not for now. Until I have balls. And this is the best of comedy bang bang 2021, part three, and we have already lost our

minds. Yeah. And we still have another half to go. We've only been doing it for half the time. That's true. But what are we doing? This is a show comedy bang bang. It's a comedy podcast and this is us counting down what episodes the listeners of this show

have voted upon in order to be ranked, certainly, sequentially, in order. Do you think there's also people that don't listen to the show that are voting? Oh man. I don't think anyone's cracked that yet. It would not surprise me if at a certain point like someone's like, hey, I found this stupid thing. Let's go fuck them up. What was the guy's name?

Sanjaya? Sanjaya. Yeah. We'll make it a Sanjaya. We pleaded with people not to Sanjaya. Please don't Sanjaya us. Please don't Sanjaya us. You can Zendaya us though.

Please. I wouldn't mind that. I wouldn't mind being Michi. What's up with Sanjaya these days? I wonder where he's at. Well, look him up. I don't know. Yeah, sure.

Hope he's okay. I hope he's not an anti-gay activist. I bet he's. That other person I have with him. Everyone you look up, they eventually become an anti-gay activist. That's a callback to a previous thing we were talking about on part one, probably. Honestly, if you like this at all, you should listen to all the parts of the best of us. You should listen to all the parts because you'll know what we're talking about because

I'm sure we're going to make several references to things that you won't understand. Because it's all one day for us. It's one day for us and hopefully it's one day for you because you're listening to these whole in a row. You saved him up, you little bingey. Yes. You little bingey pig. You little bitch.

You little bitch. You saved him all up, you little bitch pig. Oh, God. So we're counting down these episodes, comedy bang bang, we've been going. This is our, we're in our 13th year. We had our 12th anniversary this year and it's a show, it's certainly the show where we talk to interesting people. I've talked about that for a while.

It's Humanities Podcast. Thank you so much. You could even span a query, you know, further out than humanity. Animal manatee? Animals, definitely. It's, I mean, I, as far as I know, no one's claims that they're animals favorites podcast yet. So why shouldn't this show be?

Do you think an animal has ever listened to an episode of comedy bang bang all the way through? Definitely. I'm sure mine have while they sit there wishing they could go outside instead of being forced in my office. No, they're not. You think they're listening? I think they're listening.

Yeah. They can talk all day. So, I mean, they have to be listening because you can't shut your ears off. But there's the difference between listening and listening. You know what I mean? Oh, you didn't say listening. Oh, okay. I should have.

Do you think there's ever been an animal that's listened to a comedy bang bang episode all the way through? I don't know. That's an interesting question, but I'm just going to claim it. Like pay attention to it. Yeah. I'm going to claim that, yes, this is every, it's the animal kingdom's favorite podcast. Wow.

I'm just going to say it. If not, if not your show, then who's show? What other show could it be? Certainly not Joe Rogan. You don't think an animal would enjoy Joe Rogan? Okay. Maybe only animals enjoy Joe Rogan. Like one of those potbelly pigs.

Yeah. What show would a potbelly pig listen to? And really think about it. Like, don't make a joke. Huh. Like assuming they understood English or? No, not even assuming they understood English. Just thinking that they find this sounds pleasant.

Pay attention to, yes. And retain all the knowledge or? Yeah. Like if you played it again, they would know what it was. They would know what it was. They'd have a memory of hearing it before. Office ladies. Yeah.

Yeah. Pigs are very smart animals. Pigs are very smart. They want to have sex with cats. They're smart. If you're smart, you'll want to have sex with a cat. When you hear the noises a cat makes during sex, you're like, oh, this is going to be wild.

I want to know that. Oh, we're going to have a good time. Oh my God. So we're counting down these episodes. Yes, we know. Comedy bang bang. You're, should we get to them? Yeah, ma'am.

You want to get to it? Yeah. This is what we're doing. It's Monday. We just had a... What if I took over this part? We just had a holly jolly Christmas. You don't want to take over this part.

You're surprised by everything that happens. But what if I weren't? I don't know. This plan supposes what if I weren't. Okay. Wait, you want to switch roles? I want to switch roles just for one segment to see how it goes. But you're going to peek ahead.

Yeah. Who gives a shit? Tell you what. What am I, the listener? I'll take... Holy shit. Am I supposed to be the stand-in for the listener? Yes, you're the audience surrogate.

Oh no. No. You're a total dumb shit. I didn't know that. I want to be the God powers. Do you want me to send you a pic of what our next episode is and you can take over? No, I want to read all the shit. I want to treat you the way you treat me.

Yeah, I'll send you a pic of all the info. All right, great. Okay, but that way I don't have to hand you my phone and that way you can't peek ahead at the... I'll just give you the info. I'll have the next one. Peek ahead. Jesus.

H. You're... I know you would. All right. Texting you everything and we'll see how you do it, okay? We'll see how you do it. Do it. Friday night and I want it, horny.

All right. Here we go. This is your episode number seven. Number seven. All right. Number seven. Okay, Scott. This is episode 728.

Oh, from October 18th, 2021. Okay. No, don't you look at your phone, too. I know what the thing... Okay, go ahead. This is called, Feabing for some Phoebes. Oh, yes. I remember this.

Do you remember who was on this one? I remember it's Phoebe Robinson, the second Phoebe that we had on this year. That's right. Can you imagine a year where two Phoebes co-existed? Oh, that can't happen. It happened on this show. Oh, year. Yeah, two Phoebes can exist in the same year, but not in the same week.

That's true. That didn't happen. What's really sad is knowing that Phoebe Robinson and Phoebe Bridgers, like one of them is not alive for a week. Yeah, they switch off. They just out of existence. Yeah, and it's not like they're dead or anything. They just think out of existence.

No. It's a shame for the loved ones. It's a shame. So, Phoebe Robinson, who else is on this one? I know Casey Faye, right? He plays your former dare officer, Officer Dreary. Dreary, yes. And then, isn't a young man named Paul F. Tompkins on this episode?

Well, yes. That's me. And I played a character on this show called an English person. An English person. And you only wanted to be introduced as an English person. Yes, that's correct. That's correct. You didn't even tell me your name?

I can't remember. No, and you honored my request. I did. I really had to think about it, though. I think I gave you the name, though. Oh, you did? Did I introduce you as your name? I think I believe you did, yes.

This is a funny episode. People love this. Wait, there's somebody else you're forgetting. Shit. This is fun. I like this role. Oh, it's Gabrus. Yeah.

Yeah, he's playing Gino. Okay, yeah. I was going to see if you knew that. All right. And Phoebe's on promoting her new book. And Gabrus was Gino, of course. I did this character, a new character, where I was narrating everything. It's like a David Attenborough impression, but it turns out he's not David Attenborough,

but a relative. Aro, and we'll hear exactly who he is. And let's talk about the process behind it when we come back. Yes, but just know, in this clip, there are spoilers for Many Saints of Newark. That's right. This came out, and I think a few people were upset that there was a spoiler for the very beginning of Many Saints of Newark. And I would counter, didn't that movie come pre-spoiled?

Right. You know? Because the spoiler is something that you already saw in the spranos. I mean, if you're just playing on watching just this movie. Oh, I just meant that the movie was spoiled. I see what you're saying. Scott, that's very clever. That's very clever.

It's fun. Not a good movie, is what I was saying. But in any case, yes, there is a little, so if you're really touchy about this movie that came out months and months ago, at the time this episode came out, it had just come out. That by now you've heard is not very good? And people may have had expectations of like, I might like this. And then, oh no, this thing was, but it is a spoiler for the very, very beginning of

the movie. Which can that even be a spoiler? It can be a very beginning? Well, I can understand it. You want to go in with just fresh eyes and not even knowing what you're going to see. I saw a movie the other day that I was like, I had no idea what it was about. And I liked it more for that because I had no expectations about it. Totenac.

Yeah, I'd never heard, I'd never read a history book. Don't know much about history books is what I said at one point. What about biology books? Love them. All up in them guts. All right, let's hear this clip from episode 728. This is going, I believe this is going to be, is this me? Yeah, this is, the clip is of you, yes.

Okay. It's just, it's his first time and then no longer loves Halloween. All right. And away we go. Here we go. Number seven. It's his first time on the show. Please welcome for the first time Kevin Attenborough.

Having been introduced, the guest approaches the microphone and says hello. Oh, hello, Kevin. So nice to meet you. It's very nice to be met by you. Thank you so much. Of course. For having me on this program. Yes, it's so wonderful to have you.

What a wonderful, rich voice you have. I was going to say luxurious and that didn't fit, then illustrious. That doesn't fit either, but your voice is great. The confused compliment is received and appreciated. Of course, this is Phoebe Robinson, by the way. I don't know if you've ever met a best-selling author. A best-selling author appears. She is engaging, warm and friendly.

Ooh, nice. Now, do Gino. Oh, yeah, this is Gino. Hi, I'm Gino. Nice to meet you, Kevin. I don't know how to explain him. The Gino speaks a greeting, perhaps. It was.

The guy's good. I mean, he nailed it. Exactly what you are. He was technically a greeting. Yeah. So, Kevin. Creatures such as this Gino must not vanish from the earth. I don't think there's any.

I think you might be the one person with that opinion, but I appreciate it, Kevin. I think what he's trying to say is probably what your aunts and your mom say, which is like, you got to procreate. Got to procreate. You know? I mean, you're getting up there. At this point, you've been in college for 10 years or so.

Yeah, it's putting me well into my late 20s. Yeah, exactly. You got to freeze your business. Oh, I forgot. Two deep freezers full of cum blast. What? If the planet is to survive, measures must be taken to reverse the half.

So, Kevin, you're on this show. All I have is you're an English person. I'm sorry that my booker screwed up. I think he just wrote down English person because he doesn't know anything about you, but tell us a little bit about yourself. Approaching America for the first time from the air, it appears to be nothing more than a mass of clouds.

But soon, those clouds recede, and you see the brown and green that make up a continent. So, okay, yeah. So you... Touching down on the tarmac, one realizes that the Earth is bigger than what is merely in front of our eyes. Oh, good, good.

Okay, so you came here from England. Making his way to the podcast studio. The guest notes the parking structure, how to enter, how to exit, and the ticket that must be saved. He's going to do the parking... Oh, he did it. That's amazing.

Wow, I want to hear this guy describe everything from the Earth, which he already did, the macro to the micro. Bugs and stuff. Holy shit, the Earth and the parking structure. Fucking shattered me. There was nothing in between, I noticed. There was the Earth.

And then, I guess, California. The parking structure's kind of... A cell phone is produced, and a photograph is taken of the number of the parking space. This is done for future reference. I mean, it's not that big of a parking structure, I have to say.

It's one level, so I... Secure that the information has been filed away. The guest leaves the parking structure and presses the elevator button. Oh, he's going to do the elevator? Boy, this is incredible. So, how did you... Did you have a nice trip up to the studio?

Entering the tiny chamber, the guest waits until the doors once again make their presence known. A sudden lurch is felt as the elevator rises into what can only be described as the air. Holy shit. I feel like I'm on an elevator right now.

Yes. Shuddering stop, the doors again recede, and the guest exits. I've never heard it broken down exactly like this. I've never been on an elevator, and now I know exactly what it's like. You've never been on an elevator? It doesn't register my body weight,

it always says empty elevator any time I try to do it. I usually have to sneak in underneath one of those platinum serving things. A cloche. A cloche, thank you. Kevin! That's the one thing he didn't narrate.

He just corrected you. Fuck, man. I don't have to narrate everything. It is just something that my family does. I wanted to say, your voice and your speaking style sounds a lot like a certain person by the name of Richard Attenborough.

Is that, or David Attenborough? David Attenborough. Who is, of course, the brother of Richard? Yeah, what does Richard Attenborough's deal? What did he do? Welcome to Jurassic Park. That's right. If nothing else, he made his mark with that.

And doesn't he do... Could you imagine Richard Attenborough working at Walmart? Welcome to Walmart. Because he's the guy outside the Jurassic Park ride that you see on the videos, right? Yes. Dino DNA.

So you're the nephew of that guy? I am his great-great-grandson. Oh, you are? I am but 14 years old. You're 14 years old. Very excited to be leaving school and traveling to America, unaccompanied for the very first time.

Really sorry about trying to get into the bathroom while you were in there before. Why are you... The pounding on the door... frightens the occupant of the restroom. He cows and waits for the knocking to go away. I gotta ask, Kevin, why were you in charge of the parking ticket?

Weren't you driven here by someone? No. In America, I drive myself. No, I mean, maybe in England, that's okay. I don't know, they do everything on the opposite side. So maybe, like, you can drive when you're a baby and then when you're 16, you can't anymore? Is that how they do it in England?

I feel like it has to do with your foreskin. Yeah, okay, I don't know. But you're not supposed to be driving it. In the department of motor vehicles, there is an exemption for one such as me. 14-year-olds from England are permitted to drive. Really? If they drive on the opposite side of the street.

Wait, so you're a 14-year-old and driving on the opposite side of the street. This sounds like a traffic hazard. It isn't so far. Okay, well, what time did you arrive here? 4.30 a.m. Yes. Okay, well, yeah, that explains it.

You're gonna have a tough time getting out of here. So do you want to be a famous narrator, much like your great-great-great grandfather? If the plan is to continue, someone must teach the young ones the work of the family. Okay, man, we're talking the clan, your family, right? Okay, good. I just want to make that clear with the C.

Certain words have been ruined by seven groups of people. I know. Like what? Like which one? He's British, so he can't even get cigarettes anymore. Oh. Yes, we only call it the one thing. So you want to do what your family did?

That's incredible. Oh, no. I wish to carve out my own life for myself at the risk of being shunned by the others. I will go my own way. So they would shun you because you don't want to narrate things? Or welcome to people to Jurassic Park, I guess. The family circles tightly.

They will not let the young ones leave for fear of the danger outside. Oh, no. The young one breaks free. He makes his own way across the continent to find himself in a podcast studio. So, wait, you landed in New York then and came all the way across the...

Yeah, of North America? How did you travel across the... The plane would have crossed the continent, too. Yeah, I guess so. But across the... Yeah, I guess I don't expect you to narrate every little step of it. Thanks.

Do you want to do your own thing, though? I want to do my own thing. What do you want to do, little Kevin? To become the next Tony Hawk. A skateboarder, Tony Hawk? Like as an actor or skateboarder? Tony Hawk. There's a skateboarder named Tony Hawk?

Yeah, I mean, that's a guy I'm thinking of. He's a famous skateboarder. He perfected all these weird tricks. Phoebe, you must know Tony Hawk, right? Yeah, everyone knows him. Tony Hawk pro skater, too. Yeah, I mean, you're of the generation that idolized Tony Hawk, right?

Yes, he was my favorite. Yeah, of course. He's what made me get into comedy. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Discovering there are two Tony Hawks is surprising. I don't know that they're...

But, resiliently, the young one forges ahead. I don't know that there are two Tony Hawks, I have to say, Kevin, but... What is your Tony Hawk that you want to emulate, though? He is a super-marionation puppet who rode on a rocket ship in a poorly-received BBC pilot. I guess I didn't see this, but what was the pilot called?

It was called Tony Hawk Flies Under the Moon. Okay, so that's the only thing... Half an hour. That's the only thing you know, Tony Hawk. 21 minutes. 21 minutes. The title of the show itself is sort of an undersell. He flies underneath the moon.

Yeah, well, not over it or around it, at the very least. He doesn't even look up. He didn't even look at it as he passed it? He goes under the moon and just sits there. I would at least tilt my neck up. Then he dictates a letter to his wife saying, this is dull. Why did I do this?

It wasn't worth our marriage. When he returns to Earth, he finds his wife has died. What? In the arms of another man. Oh, okay, so he knew they broke up. They are buried in a huge coffin. What, together? Yes.

You can do that? No, it was a TV program. Oh, okay, okay. Wow. So, God, I haven't heard about this show. Trecoops fearing moral decay. Picketed the BBC for years and years. Years and years because of this 121-minute program.

And you saw it and you said, I want to do what part of it exactly? I want to fly under the moon. Okay, well. This time, I will look up. Yes, at that great big ball of cheese. Space craft equipped with a window in the ceiling. Like a sunroof. A moonroof, probably.

Yeah, I guess it would be a moonroof, yeah. Because you don't want it to open and B, you're going to look at the moon. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, I mean, people are, you know, flying up into space all the time these days. People are people.

So why should it be? Big Depeche Mode fan. Who? Wait, you're just talking? You never saw the BBC pilot starting Depeche Mode? Were they working in an ice cream shop? It eventually evolved into the TV show The Young One. Yeah, that's right.

The entire band was fired, replaced by actors. Incredible. So you, I mean, people are flying up in space these days. Edible egg. Yes, thank you. It's almost like you're a member of the Church of Commercials. But people are flying up there like William Shatner. He's going to go up there and he's like,

almost dang 90 years old or something like that. He's going to fly up there. Jeff Bezos is going to buzz around up there. I mean, much like Buzz Aldrin. He was the original buzz up there. I didn't realize how many boring old people were flying into space. Yeah.

It's starting to lose its appeal. It really is. We need young blood up there, you know? Pass. You're not going to do it anymore? You've talked me out of it. This is your main life story. I mean, you're 14.

I understand like these things change. Yeah, when I was 14, I wanted to be a Navy SEAL. So it changed. Oh, really? Yeah. But then Obama? Then, you know, Obama got elected. I was like, I refuse.

I guess I met Osama. God killed. It conflated the two. Which is easy to do. I do that all the time. I never realized that those two names sound so similar. Well, then I've got a bunch of flags on trucks on Long Island to show you.

OK. So you don't want to do it anymore? Well, OK, great. Maybe you should just narrate things because you're great at it. Narration. Why does it exist? And the medium of television is show, not say. I know.

Yeah. It is interesting. Any time narration pops up in something like, I watched this Hugh Jackman movie the other day. I didn't say Hugh. Shaggy. No, not shaggy. Is Hugh Jackman in that?

I haven't seen that. Oh, put that on the list. But I saw whatever just came out. It was like reverie or reminiscence or something. Reminiscence. Is it reminiscence? OK, yeah. So I watched that and the minute it starts, it's like, so I work at this place.

And it's like, he's just explaining everything. The many scenes in Newark starts with a dead character from the Soprano series, Christopher Maltesanti. No. Going to set up of the voiceover and even saying, and I'm going to hell soon. Oh, no. He's aware that he's dead. Buried in a Catholic cemetery.

The character describes his own murder at the hands of Tony Soprano. Oh, no. Does he talk about working on Shark Tale? Because he was great. He had a V.O. session with him. He was amazing. I read with him. Maltesanti?

No, whoever plays him. Imperiali. Yes, yes, yes. Whoever plays him. What a great session it must have been. You had life on Mars for Shark Tale. Tribute to a wonderful actor, whoever plays him. The guy who plays Christopher, my favorite actor from Life on Mars.

And the Emmy goes to the guy who played Christopher. Did he win? He should have. He's great. Whoever it was. Well, yeah, just narrate things now. This is great. I mean, you know, your family will be happy.

I'll be happy. If you see. If you see what? If you see a seal on a beach and an orca comes out of the ocean and bites the seal in half. Do you need someone to explain what's going on? I guess not. That would be kick ass if I saw that. It seems pretty obvious.

Yeah. Oh my God. I see that. Do you know where I can see something like that? Yes. Where? There is a nature program that's all about whales called Secrets of the Whales. Narrated by Sigony Weaver.

Sigony Weaver from Alien. My gosh. And there is a long, long section where young orcas are practicing how to snatch a seal off the beach. Practicing. And where the viewer feels as if it's supposed to root for this gigantic monster to destroy this tiny dog of the ocean. So they're practicing so they're just like picking them off one by one or they're practicing

on rocks. Not at first. You watch them getting good at it and then eventually they get the seal. Oh my God. That was the thing that I didn't want to be a Navy Seal after I saw that. That orca thing? That could happen. If that could happen to a baby seal, it could happen to a Navy Seal.

Exactly. Of course. The baby seal admiring its grandparents grows up and enlists in the service and becomes a Navy Seal. Yep. Do you think a seal knows its grandparents or is it just like other animals? You know what I mean? What?

No, I understand. He looks at his grandparents and says other animals. You know what I mean? He looks at his extended family and says other animals. But you know, do they have a relationship? Like obviously there's no language between- I don't think there's like a seal grandma putting $5 in a card and giving it to the seal every birthday.

That's my question is like there's no language between them so the concept of a grandparent like would you- A seal suffocated by his mother's desires has no choice but to stay at home and take care of the family. You'd know your mom because of all the- When he wanted to go out and star at Sally Bowles in a revival of Cabaret for seals. Are we talking about Seal the singer right now? He wanted to star in Cabaret.

Seal, who loves Halloween, now estranged from his former wife Heidi Klum. Puts on an elaborate costume all by himself at home, turns off the porch lights and watches the remake of Candidate. This I want to see. See, this is a documentary I want to see. You peeked my interest here. I'm just telling a story that hasn't happened. I'm not narrating anything.

It should happen. Hopefully it doesn't snow because did you know that when it snows, his eyes become light. Of course we know. We all know what happens to- Poor guy. Maybe you a seal fan. I do. I do like seal.

Yeah. He's great, right? Amazing. He used to go on Halloween. He used to go to all those parties with Heidi Klum. You just got to sit around the house. God, you're breaking my heart here. Do you think Seal's not getting invited to Halloween party since he got divorced from

Klum? Well, I mean, she seemed like the one who wanted to do all the big like, haha, I'm a super model, but I don't dress, you know, like sexy. I put bolts in my neck. Isn't that cute? You know, so that seemed like her thing. And now like if he goes, he could kick it up like eight notches and be like, no, I was the mastermind behind all this.

His thing is comedy movies. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. You have pop star. You never stop stopping. That's the one I know. And something else. That one's good.

Oh, the mass singer too. He was, he was in that. Maybe the most recognizable voice to ever be in the mass singer. Like the minute he did, he opened his boy. Everyone was like, oh, this is Seal. Seal? Yeah. He was dressed like a seal.

That was the other part of it. Everyone's like, is it Croft? Is it Croft? And it was like, no, it's Seal. That's a modern reference, right? I got it. Thank you. Geno is timeless.

Well, Kevin. The references, crusted in age and time. Lost on the listeners of the podcast. Well, yeah, probably. Kevin, I feel bad for you. A thousand people flock to Wikipedia to see if they can understand their favorite program. That's usually to change someone's page because of something

we talked about, but. Seal, his page altered. Now, no longer loves Halloween. Now, Scott, I know this one took you by surprise because the rhythms are a little different than one of my. This is what I wrote down. Of what I was going to talk about.

Yes, it did, Paul. I don't know if you felt that when we were doing it. No, I felt great. You felt like you had trouble figuring out what to do with it. A little bit because Paul, we have such an easy rapport, usually with our characters where I'm not saying easy rapport in the sense of like your characters like me or anything.

No, they don't. But I normally know the rhythms of what to ask. Here's the thing, they're more conversational. They're a little more conversational. That probably is what it was, was you were narrating things which is not as maybe as active in a way. It's about talking about something that happened in the past. Maybe that's what it was.

Well, what I was trying to do and what was tricky about it and more tricky than I imagined it was going to be was trying to narrate as if I were having a conversation and saying things, not just recapping what is going on, but also describing my character's thoughts and feelings as if it's something that I was saying to you. Yes. Does that make sense?

It does make sense. Is there something that you were doing at home when you were watching a particular documentary that was being narrated? Oh, I will always imitate him anytime I see a thing. Yeah, but anytime I see one of his nature docs, I will always. Right.

Like for the next day or so, you'll wander around the house narrating what you're doing. No, don't do that. That's insane. Like a fucking crazy weirdo. No, I'm not a crazy weirdo. You got to believe me, guys. Don't let Scott turn you against me.

No, it was interesting because it was a little like, the rhythm was, just the rhythm was a little different or something. So I was a little set back on my heels a little bit of like, am I dealing with this right? And so I couldn't quite tell if I was doing a good job. Because you don't want to fuck up the bit. I don't want to fuck up the bit.

So I'm trying to lay out a little bit, but also, so whatever. But I remember in the first five minutes of it or so going like, am I doing okay? I can't quite tell. And so I left from it going like, I thought it was really funny, but I'm not sure if I did a good job. And then to have everyone receive it the way that it was received. Yeah.

You did a perfect job. Well, I wouldn't say perfect, but thank you. But a very funny episode and people, people, a universal acclaim for what you did on this. It was fun. Yeah. And it was very different. It was a slower character for sure.

And, you know, everything was very deliberately said and so forth. But it was a lot of fun. And I was glad I was able to do it on the show. Now, let's talk about Casey. Casey Faye. He, this was his first episode. On stage with Susie Barrett. No, I did not.

No, Susie mentioned. These are, you're just reading my notes and they make sense to me. Can I just say what they are? Susie, Susie mentioned during her plugs. So you asked for his email. Oh, God. No, here's what, here's what, here's what happened before the pandemic. I went to the UCB.

I can't remember why. Oh, no, we were having dinner next door. And we said, let's pop in Franklin and company. I think it was. And this was back when you could have dinner and just go out and walk to a place. This is before everybody got a trophy. So we popped next door and there happened to be a funny improv show going on that Mike Mitchell was in. Who did he do a scene with?

It was so funny. It was, it was, they were both lighthouse captains. I can't remember who it was, but it was really, really funny. Will and Defoe? It was, I mean, it was the month that that was out. So it was like sort of based on that or something, but it was really funny. And then, and then I saw a whole bunch of other people. And when I see someone that I think is really funny, I would like look them up.

I would like try to hear their name or whatever or look up who was on the show that night. And then, then for a while I was keeping like in all of my tabs that I have open on my, in like Safari on my iPhone. I would have a tab of like, hey, I got to somehow figure out how to contact this person. And so Casey Faye's like bio was in my phone for years. His bio? His bio, his bio material. His DNA was in my phone. Dino DNA.

Yes, by the way, I want to mention that's, it cracked me up so much when you said Dino DNA. I think I wrote that down. You did right. You just wrote down Dino DNA. Dino DNA. Yes, it's so funny. Dino DNA. Listening back to the clips, I was dying at that.

We had a good time. Okay. So anyway, I had Casey Faye's like biography as an open tab in my phone for years, right? And I didn't know how to get ahold of him or anything. For years. For years. And of just like, oh, that was a really funny person. I should try to figure out if they can do the show.

I need a better system is what I'm trying to say. I don't know. It seems to have worked. But then the pandemic hit and we had to sort of close ranks. Maybe I talked about this. In tabs. But we had to close ranks a little bit and use people that we knew had good microphones. And so the amount of people that we could have on the show.

And like I said, it's hard to have more than three sometimes on a zoom. So it just, it became a little more insular. And so it went years where I just was not following up on these people that I thought were really funny that I was keeping in my phone. And then we opened back up and Susie Barrett, who's been on the show a couple of times recently, she just played the potato a couple of weeks ago, which is really funny. And also was on with you in a different episode. She in her plugs mentioned him of like something that she's like,

I'm doing a show with this person, this person and Casey Faye. And I like grabbed her after the episode was like, do you know Casey Faye? Do you have his email? Look at my phone tab. I can solve this problem that I've had for two years. But he was really funny. And I want to have him back on the show. But yeah, anyway, how many tabs, how many tabs you have right now?

Okay, well, I, let me see. I've now, it was in the hundreds, I think, but I finally figured out that you can arrange them in. By subject matter. So now I only have 26 in my main. When you say tabs, do you mean like Safari? Yes, Safari tabs. Yes, like I mean like open web pages. Yeah.

For stuff that I refer to all the time. Yeah. Okay. I know. Hey man, it's your life. Well, you know, like probably about five of them are just things that I was looking at right before the show. But then there are a good. Fair.

A good 25. A good 21 that I am constantly going back to. Wow. To be like, okay. And they're just like, it's easier than closing them. Also, I don't want to lose them. I don't know. Anyway, there's got to be a better system.

But anyway, that's why Casey. So you could mark them like you would in a book. I've tried. I tell you what, I did that one day and I bookmarked all my tabs. And I was trying to find one the other day. This is at home on my home. Just the other day? Just the other day.

I was walking down the street. A pretty lady came up to me and I was like, I don't know what to say. Bill. No, but I went to go find it and none of it had worked. I did like a hundred of them. That's horrible. And close them all and none of it had worked. I didn't save any of them.

And I was just like, well, I don't know how to find this thing anymore. Anyway, I'm an idiot. Scott, don't talk that way about someone that I love. I wasn't talking about Janie. I'm talking about myself. Wait, wait. Whenever we mentioned Janie, you get a bonus. Sure.

But funny episode. Any final thoughts about that episode? Now it's time for my final thought. I thought this was a good episode and everybody liked it, including me. Yes. Take care of each other. What did he sign off with Jerry Springer? Jerry Springer.

I don't know. What could he possibly sign off with? I can't imagine him saying take care of each other. Take care of each other. Take care of each other. So I don't have to do this anymore. I think he did have some sign off. We'll find out.

We will. We will definitely find out and we'll sign off with it. Okay, we have to take a break. Or did you want to do this part too? No. Yeah. I get it. We have to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to be at number six. Number six? Your number six. That's going to be exciting. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Comedy bang bang, boy oh boy, we're back. Comedy bang bang, boy oh boy, we're back and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't stop us from being back.

You could stop this episode, but we'll still be back. Oh, shit, that's true. They could stop it. Please don't stop the episode. That is sort of like they stopped us. We want you to listen to this. Please. Please.

Have a heart. Have a heart. Look at your heart. Listen to this episode. That was a good movie. That movie's good. It's good. Miller's Crossing.

Just watch it again. I could watch it again. I haven't seen it in a while. Every time I think about it, it makes me want to watch it. Very good. That's very good. I'd say about that. Me and some friends were watching three co-in, every weekend we would, we were planning

on watching three co-in brother movies. Oh, you know what they say, make a plan, watch God laugh. And he did. What a weird thing for God to be, it takes us joy. Every time anyone talks about God, he's usually an asshole. He sounds like a real bad dude. He's a real dip. He's a drip.

But we did it one week. We watched the first three co-in brother's movies. Chronologically? We're doing it chronologically and we're going to do it for eight weeks in a row or something like this. So we did it the first week. We watched Blood Simple, Raising Arizona, and then Miller's Crossing, great. Next week, we decided to do it again and we were, we did Barton, we had Barton Fang,

Kudzucker, and then Fargo, I think was after that, right? That sounds right. But what happened is Cool Up made barbecue beef in a big crock pot. Sounds like a problem. And our good friend, Paul Rust, laughing and joking in our kitchen was, laughing and having a good time and took the serrated knife and was cutting open his roll to put the barbecue beef on and sliced open. His hand and blood went everywhere, sealing refrigerator in the barbecue beef everywhere.

And I can't tell you, we, he was the first, like none of us had gotten our own beef yet. He was the first one there and I was just like, our mouths were salivating for this beef. Of course I had to take him to the hospital and the whole time I'm gaming out like, where can we get barbecue beef in this area? Like whenever my responsibility of taking Paul to the hospital is done. Did you try the hospital? They didn't have any.

Oh, okay. Weirdly enough. All right. Because it was lunchtime, we had just watched the first, we had just watched Barton Fang. And oh my God. And we didn't end up, like we ended up just getting fast food or whatever. Well, because you can't eat that beef of it as human blood and because then you get the taste for it.

Yeah. Exactly. And then they'll have to put you down. Just a rabid human. But great day. And then we never picked it back up. That was the thing. We had a plan.

Well, Paul ruined it. Of course. Of course you never picked it back up. He ruined it. He did. But we did go see Fargo for Neil Campbell's birthday. His girlfriend rented a theater and surprised him with his favorite movie. Oh, that's wonderful.

Yeah. The Los Feliz three over there. So we've had some good Coen Brothers times, but... Sure. It's not the end? No, it's not the end times. To do that again at some point. But I never will, I'm sure.

But anyway, it was a good idea while it lasted. I think I've seen every one of their movies. The only one I've never finished was... Can I finish? The only one I've never finished was... What is it? Irreconcilable differences or whatever it's called. Is that what it's called?

No. That's the truth. Yeah, that's the truth. I do this every... You never finished that one? Never finished it. I saw it in the theater, so I... You walked out?

You walked out? Yes, walked out. Interesting. I just saw the final one I hadn't seen, which was the Billy Bob Thornton-Barber one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The man who wasn't there. Yeah.

Great performance by Richard Jenkins. Yeah, Richard Jenkins, by the way, great performance in a new movie, Nightmare Alley. I just read that book. Oh, you did? I like it. It's a good book. It's a good book. It's from the 40s, like from 1947 or something.

Well, the original movie I've owned for a while. I didn't know there was an original movie. There's a noir, like, 40s or 50s version of it that is really good. They had to tack a happy ending on it, I guess. But that was the aforementioned movie that I didn't know anything about. So I came in without... I think if I had known what it was about, I would have been expecting the quote, plot, unquote, of it to start a little earlier than it does in the movie.

But I was just like, didn't know anything about it, and fully expected the first half of the movie to just be what it was about. Right. Which is true. That sounds pretty faithful to the book, actually. And I will say that after I finished the book, I looked up the cast because I just heard that Guillermo del Toro was doing it, but I didn't know who was in it. And then I was very excited.

I was like, this is great casting. It's great casting. Richard Jenkins is really good in it. And good movie. I enjoyed it. I mean, I know a lot of people are like, well, it's not as good as the original or whatever, the original movie. Because that's a classic.

Go fuck yourself. I've never heard of it. Fuck yourself and fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck me. And if you're a pig, fuck a cat. Fuck off.

Fuck off. Fuck that pig. Fuck your cat. Fuck a cat, you pig. Fuck a cat, you pig. I don't know what we were talking about, but we were talking about the Cone Brothers. Oh, we were talking about looking your art. OK, yeah.

Got it. Got it. I'm back. I'm back. OK. We have to retrace every time. Why were we talking about something so we don't skip over anything? OK, let's get to it.

This is your choice for episode number six. Number six. OK. Number six. Paul. Hi. Your name is Paul. I am Paul.

And we've never met before. Is that correct? Yes. Is this my card? All right. This is episode 709. 709, OK. From June 7th, 2021.

From June 9th, 6, 7, 2021. OK. But just. All right. Think about what was happening in the world. What was happening in the world. In the world. In the world.

In the world. In the world. In the world. In the world. In the world. In the world of June, 2021. By the way, Devin and Ryan have switched seats. I don't know what's happening.

I know. It's really, they did it without. Ryan was like, I want to sit in your ass heat and vice versa. I want to sit in your ass heat. He nodded too. Yeah, like, yep. That was the conversation we had. How close is it in there?

Is it the same temperature in both rooms? Oh boy. Get a space heater. Get a space heater, guys. Get a space heater, you two. Is it, is it, is it Caddy Shacker? Is it just another Rodney Dagerfield movie where he's like, hey, you two get a room. And then you two should get a warehouse.

I'm not familiar with that. I think it must be another movie. Okay. Maybe a back to school. Something like that. Yes. Okay. So this is, this is June 7th.

What was going on in the world? I don't know. Well, I'll tell you one thing. I can't remember. This is an episode called Sprague's Survivor. And what was going on in the world was we were back in studio, baby. Oh, that's what was going on in the world? Well, no, the vaccines had rolled out.

Sure. And I don't know if you remember, but May, mid-May was when everyone started feeling like comfortable. I do remember that. Yes. And I believe you and I and our significant others went and took a little mini trip this week as well. So us going on a trip was what was going on in the world.

That's what was going on in the world. We took a trip. But this was our, I believe this is our first episode back in the studio. Completely back in the studio. Wow. So we had done a few hybrid shows where we had some guests from New York and such booked from New York City. That's right.

Where the chili is bad. And isn't that what that commercial is about? I thought it was about hot sauce. Is it hot sauce? Hot sauce. These two switcheroo. The switcheroo gang. The switcheroo gang over here.

This is agreeing. But I bet the chili is bad too. There's no way there's any good chili in New York. Name one good chili restaurant in New York. I dare you. Name the most famous New York chili restaurant. But yeah, we had done a few hybrids. I know there was one with a man and a cow.

Yeah. We put together a man with a cow's head and then a cow with a cow's head. That was just a different cow's head. No, but we had done a few and this was the first one where everyone was back. And the excitement is just giddy energy. It's palpabale. It's really us just like we hadn't seen each other. Like we hadn't seen anyone in person for a long time.

And so to be in the same room doing this show that we love to do, it was really exciting. So that's what you're going to hear. The people involved are John Gabris, who's playing Gino, of course. We have Sean, although I shouldn't say, of course, because he played a different character earlier in this countdown. Yeah, you never know with him. You never knew one time. One time.

Sean Diston is here. Sean, this is his first appearance on the countdown, I believe. Is it really? No, Rudy North, I think they can't be the first appearance. No, I think this is his first appearance on the countdown. Really? Wow. He is playing Sprig the Whisperer, of course,

a person with whom I host another show called God Hasn't Seen. That's right. We have Wil Hines, the aforementioned Wil Hines. We talked about him on the podcast earlier. He is playing. He came in and said he is a chair salesman with the name of Andy Manders. And then we have Mike Hanford, who lives in New York now, but he was in town that week. There you go.

And he's playing someone named Zuby Condorino. And listen, I just want to take this time to give a special shout out to Lily Sullivan. Please don't. That will come later. So this is, we're going to hear clips from every segment of this. What's Mike's character name again? Zuby Condorino. Zuby Condorino.

Plus some other characters that they have done will drop by. So we're going to hear a bunch of selections from this show. This is what you chose to be number six. Number six. Well, we have to get to our first guest. And Gina, are you sticking around? I'm going to stick around, but I'm going to be quiet because I'm going to let other guests shine because I'm just an intern. Okay, good.

I'll hold you to that. But we have to get to our first guest and he's someone who I've held dear to my own heart. We were roommates for a while and during the pandemic and we watched a lot of movies together and the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles UVRA together. And we had a falling out and we, I moved out and got my own place. Yeah, I forgot about that. But you can still cry. But welcome back to the show. He is a producer over there at Whisper Studios.

Please welcome back Sprig the Whisperer. We're coming by ride back to the Ear Wolf Studios. Hey, Scott. I don't know what that was a parody of. I think Wild Wild West or something. But truly I pulled the trigger on it very late. You seem to have forgotten it after three words, what you were doing. I'm going straight.

Uncertainty in your eyes. It was terrifying. Yeah, so a lot easier on Zoom. I could have like notes in front of me. I could have like the backing track, the counting through. Two. One. You have to share your screen though.

I would have liked to share my screen. You know I fucked that up a few times ago. Yeah, of course. Oh, history. I fucked up so many shit screens. Welcome back. Do you know Gino? I don't know whether you've ever been on a show before.

I have met on a show where there was maybe 40... We've crossed a couple of times in real clusterfuck type situations. We really have. We really have. And I do want to... I think you guys would be friends. We're going to... Listen Gino, in a minute, I'm going to have a proposal for you.

Whoa! Is it going to be indecent or... We'll see. It might be. I hope it's a Ryan Reynolds... Sandra Bullock vehicle. We'll have to figure it out. Scott, can I tell you something I'm pissed about?

Oh, sure. Yeah. Is it a segment? It's a segment. Okay, great. Yeah. I'm pissed, baby. Spriggy's pissed, baby.

Do we have your theme song for that? Roll the theme song here, yeah. Spriggy's pissed, baby. Wow! Wow! I used to live downtown. What's good about being a good student is you could sing and you're not hearing a delay. Yeah, that was really good.

That was incredible. Well, Spriggy's pissed. You know, Scott, me and Scott were working on the digital reboot. Reboot, yeah. Which turned out to not be a reboot. It was actually we didn't have the right student. We didn't have the rights, but we were doing something called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which I think we could have gone away with on the posters.

I said, let's make them turtles. Let's just make them, you know, 20, 25. I want to misspell turtles. That's the way to get the loophole. Okay, all right. So we were in pre-production. We were working on our stunt coordination. Pre-pro.

We were in pre-pro, of course. And, Scott, I found something out that blew up the entire project. What happened here? We'll tell everyone. I know what happened, of course. I'll tell everyone. Did you guys know that it is illegal in the state of California to have nunchucks? I did not know that.

I did not. But, you know, they just legalized it in New York. Did they legal? So we could shoot this in New York? Turtles in the city. Turtles in the city. Wait, they would do it. Oh, we could put the Ninja Turtles in New York City.

I like you guys' ideas. It's a good idea. Oh, they could eat pizza. You guys are on fucking fire. This is good. Manhole moves on. We're going to have to figure it out. Oh, wait a minute.

I like where you're at. Maybe Mr. Big could show up. He shows up and he's just like, get in the limo. This is the end of the show. We don't know if he's Mr. Big or if he's the dude from Law & Order. I think this is a great idea. So for right now, the California production has been shut down. Yeah.

Well, I mean, the surfing scene. Oh, yeah. It's not really a scene. It was more of like a set piece. It was a big set piece. It was like a giant 25-piece set piece. Which is going to cost us $3 million just for the surf. Yeah.

It was a crossover with Sharknado as well. It was a lot. It was iron-searing. The fact that we had Michelangelo sort of doing his nunchuck thing on the surfboard. Yeah. We have to cut the whole ceiling. Well, we also learned there is no I in iron-searing. There's just an an-searing.

Maybe you learned that. I don't know if that was something I learned. But here's the thing, Scott. Here's the thing. Okay. Wait, is this a segment? Here's the thing. Here's the thing with Spriggy, baby.

Here's the thing, baby, with Spriggy, baby. Wild, wild west. I used to live downtown. Now, now I've, of course, because my turtles project is down the drain. I've been. No pun intended. No pun intended. We made a lot of those jokes.

No. We had to really clamp down on them because we were laughing too hard. No pun intended on that. We would laugh for like 15 minutes and then we would go like, what were we even talking about? I'll declare this pun accidentally said. Thank you. Now, I have been watching, Scott, I've been watching a lot of Survivor.

Resent. Okay. Thank you. All right. That kid character. Good. And now I've been watching a lot of Survivor. Really?

Old Survivor episodes? I've been watching a lot of Survivor, Scott. And you know. Not the band Survivor. No, no, no, no. Not the, uh, I of the Tiger. Survivor. And that is what brings me to my proposal for Gino.

This is unprecedented. It's exciting. You want me to get naked? No, no, no. Gino, no, no, no. Roll around and some money on a bed. We can talk about that later. We can talk about that later.

That can be the indecent side of the proposal. But right now, Gino, I want to propose an alliance between our two characters. Oh, I don't have any character. No, I know. I know what you mean. He means your character. Yes. The way you are as a person.

If, if, if I think if Sprague and Gino form an unlikely alliance here, we might be able to win the best of this year. Oh, this is. I like that. I did. Cause usually it's every person for themselves. But if it is what we do, we just do other episodes and just totally throw them. Like we get there.

We get there. Any other episodes you're on, you just throw the episode. You make it a little weird. You maybe say something that throws someone else's character off, you know, and then that way when the voting comes up, it's me and Gino strong in the end. You know what I mean? But we can just make a big campaign for this episode. No, we go to do that as well.

Oh, okay. So the ones you're on together, you do really well on. But the ones. And when you appear on other people's episodes separately and you tank up, you know, you make this same deal with some of these other fucking people. No, so listen to me. Gino, Gino. Right now.

Gino, listen. We got the numbers. Okay. Right now I've got Rudy North. Whoa. I've got, I've got Mike Ruby, the no-state. Oh yeah. The no-state bummer.

I've got Gino. They're two goats. We're going to take them to the finals. Me and you, Gino. But then it'll just be the two of you in the end. It'll just be. It's just on your Patreon. Is it spring?

No. Oh, okay. It's just on your Patreon. Is it spring? No. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm game. I can maybe get a slice here.

All right. I'm in. It's maybe a way. I don't know how. If we could make you the thing that would be on my Patreon. Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be convenient? That's actually pretty good.

But I'm telling you, Gino, look. Gino, historically, your episodes don't get as many votes as they should because you split the vote. You're in so many episodes. Yes. You're in so many great episodes that people don't know what to vote for. Plus everything you say kind of runs together. Right, right, right.

Yeah. And a huge part of it is that I don't give a shit. Right. I know. You're not counting our podcast listeners who are arguably worse than TTS. That's the thing, Gino. That's the best thing. No one will ever suspect it.

Yeah. So if you're a dark horse. Me and you make an alliance right now. Palomino. Exactly. Me and you make an alliance. We just get those two sullenberger guys out of the fucking mess. Yeah.

You got to get them out first. Because they're the biggest threat right now. Okay. What do you think? Can I trust you, Gino? Is the voting open? No, no. It's until November.

No, no, no. If we can get through it. You got to lay the groundwork. So this is not just a five month heads up. Yes. But what we've got to do today is we've got to vote what are these characters out of the episode at the end of the episode. Oh, at the end of this episode of voting someone out?

At plugs, me and you, Gino, we just got to hold strong. Any of these other guys come in these new characters. So this is the survivor part. At the end of your fucking spiel. I get it. So at the end of this episode, Gino, as long as we vote, and Scott, you're obviously playing all the sides. Well, I'm pro.

You're pro in this situation, of course. As long as we stay strong, Greg proves, we're great. Greg proves, of course. He does. You know, but this is a good idea. Right. You know, this is a fucking wonderful idea. Spray.

It was. Yeah. Well, yeah, so this is good stuff. I'm feeling really good. I'm feeling like I can trust you guys. Oh, of course you can try. Can I talk to you for a minute? Oh my God.

Who's this? I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt. It's Yoko's husband, John Lennon. No, this is not about me. I left behind a DVD before the pandemic. Oh, wait. Which one?

The Blind Side DVD. Oh. I've had the worst pandemic. I haven't been able to watch my favorite movie. Wait, I actually have. It's not a DVD. It's a Blu-ray. It's not yours, I'm assuming, but it's the steelbook of Blind Side, if you want that.

It's a Blu-ray? It's a Blu-ray. I don't have the equipment for that. It's a DVD. I'm looking for a DVD. Lennon, you don't have a Blu-ray player? I do not. No.

A rig. I don't need to get into all this stuff. John Lennon, a guy could get a Blu-ray player, really. Sure, I could, but I like the quality of a DVD. Okay. Do you have an HGTV? An HGTV. Not HGTV.

Okay. Now, yes, I do. Okay. Okay. You do have an HGTV? I do have an HGTV. Okay. It's just got a lot of dirt on it.

I don't know what this means. Okay. It's a TV. It's a digital TV. It's a TV with plants on it? Okay. It's a DVD. I don't have it.

I'm sorry, but come here for a second. Come here. Hold on. Let me crawl under here. No, let's go under the table. Don't crawl under the table. No, I didn't mean to. You brought this little weird dog tunnel thing.

Why did you got to put it down and crawl through it? Are you doing agility classes after this? It's, you know, I'm getting on an agent. It's keeping... Sprite. I understand. Come here for a second. Sprite.

Oh, Sprite. Different guy. Yeah, yeah. Different guy. Come here for a second. Can I tell you? Hey, we need to vote out these two assholes. Who are on the episode?

Yes. From what I overheard, it was at the end of the episode. They're too powerful. We can't wait till the end of the episode. These two? And you overheard this? I thought we were being so quiet. No, I was behind that big steel door.

I think you got ripped off. Oh, no. In fact, some of the other studios here... Oh, shit, this is just aluminum foil. What was I doing? Some of the other studios are complaining that you're bleeding into that. Oh, no. Are you in?

Do we have an alliance? I'm in, but I'm not going to be here for long. I need to get my DVD and a lunch I left before the pandemic. Okay, but you can come back at the end of the show. Was it in a bowl by the door? Yes. It's gone. Did that damn four-legged intern eat it?

No, the three-legged intern, me. Just kidding. I only have two. His nub. My little nub. If I lay down... We don't have to get into it. Let's not.

I'm going to sneak out of here and go wait. All right, John. We'll see you at the end of the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Don't get me started with that. You've all fallen asleep. You've all fallen asleep.

You've entered the realm of the dream, Lord. Oh, my gosh. Welcome, all of you. John Lennon, thin man with the big shirt. Dr. Gino Lombardo, you can call him. That could be John Lennon as well. You really should specify. Movie producer and host.

I won't be long. I'm just starting to have you guys fall asleep. I just... What made us fall asleep, by the way? I made you fall asleep. I need to communicate with you. Oh, okay. It wasn't John Lennon's story or anything like that.

No, no, no. Hey, dream, Lord. Can I talk to you for a second over here? Okay, yes. Sure, I am the master of this dream. I'm going to go play with these flying caterpillars over here. Yeah, of course. Well, I'm going to titty-fuck Katy Perry again.

Hey, dream, Lord, dream, Lord. Yes, yes, yes. Hey, you're a good guy. You know, I could... I think I can trust you. You know, there's something about you that's very trustworthy. Oh, I appreciate that. Thank you.

You know, you're sort of a Lord and I'm also a sprig. Sprig, right? Yeah, those are sort of similar. Listen, we've got a beard, you've got a blind... We're going to split the coat and we're going to blindside Lennon. We've got to get this guy out of here. He's too... He's too good.

He's too fun-loving, you know? Without any context, I'm going to say I understand and I'm in. Okay, great. I'll let you guys wake up now. I'll see you later. Woo! All right, well, we do need to get to our next guest. He is the aforementioned salesperson.

We're going to find out what he sells. Please welcome to the show for the first time Andy Manders. Hey, Scott, thanks so much for having me. Hey, so great to meet you. I'm Andy Manders. Andy Manders, yes. This is Sprig. Nice to meet you.

Oh, you wanted to say chair sales? It doesn't matter, right? Before I introduce you to... It's okay. You're a chair, so you sell chairs. I sell chairs. I'm Gino Lombardo. This is Gino, though.

So you sell chairs. Seemed like you wanted to quickly get out your thing. Just real quick. I think this is a smart idea. Before anyone could disrupt it or... I don't know why I would worry about that. I've never met any of you before. Just, I just traditionally, when I'm meeting with people, I try to get my thing out pretty

fast. It's just smart though. We would remember you. In 2021, it's smart. Those conversations are really accelerating, I find, in society. If you don't get your thing out fast, I think it's taken away from you. Oh, of course. Where's Grandma?

Oh, please misspeak. Please misspeak. Ohio. Ohio. Ohio? Northern Ohio. Right outside of Cleveland. Oh, right outside.

Really? Yeah. Parma, Ohio. Why not just in Cleveland? Well, it's funny. When you're born, you don't pick. So I guess I should. I guess.

But you know what I mean? That's a good t-shirt. I feel like that's a good t-shirt. When you're born, you don't pick. And it's a baby picking their nose. This is a t-shirt. This is good. You're like Lady Gaga.

You were born that way in Northern Ohio. Yeah. Just outside of Cleveland. I was born that way. In an uninteresting town. Here we go to that baseball museum. Yes, I have. The one in New York?

The one in Cooperstown, New York. Yeah. Yeah. Why? Yes, why did I go there? Everyone's looking at Scott like he's out of his mind. That's a fair question. I went somewhere and defended.

I am a fan of baseball, unrelated to anything we've brought up. Really? Like how big of a fan? Medium plus. Medium plus. Medium plus. What's up with the chairs? Yeah, we actually wanted to know about the chairs this time.

Enough with this baseball bullshit. Tell us about your chairs, bro. You're on a must have. You must have had a lot to say about the chairs. I feel compelled to finish the sentence on baseball. Yeah, yeah. I go to see it. You ever catch one of the home runs or anything like that?

Yes, I have. I've caught one of those home runs. But at a minor league game. Oh. So it was soft. Oh, it was a soft ball. It was lofted up high by a weak player, single A. Yeah.

Probably drunk free. That's probably what it was. Some non-steroid high. Still, that's got to feel good, though. I mean. So satisfied. Yeah, man. I was in the bleachers by myself.

Home run gets hit. By yourself? No other fans in the stands? I was depressed. I went just to get my mind off things. I sat there in the bleachers. This single A guy comes up. This guy looks like he's not even going to be in single A for more than like half an

hour. Hits it right on the screws. You can see his face light up and it sails up into the bleachers. I'm there by myself. Reading a book happened to look up. Which book? Which book were you reading? Heidi.

Heidi. Oh, yes. About the Swiss girl, Shirley Temple. So you went to a baseball game to read a book? Mm-hmm. Isn't that ironic? He was depressed. Shit happens, man.

I was depressed. I was just trying to get out of my head. It manifests in different ways in different people. So I totally understand. She knows. That is so empathetic of you. My therapist says that's why I'm so depressed. You go to therapist.

What's your therapist? Well, he's not my therapist, but he's our therapist that I can hear because he works in all of the states. Oh. So you listen to somebody else's therapy? Do your problems apply to their advice? No. No one has the same problems as me.

Weird. I relate to this because I read other people's horoscopes and I take that advice. I like that. I like this. Aries get good horoscopes. Maybe your parents didn't tell you when you were born. Exactly. Maybe you're like a month off or something like that.

That's true. Maybe I was lied to. Maybe you weren't switched at birth or something like that. That's why you like chairs. Downtown Cleveland, one month earlier than you thought. No fuck Parma. Yeah. Who knows what to lie?

I think lying is sort of the worst thing you could do. Oh, thank you. Why are your eyes shifting back and forth? I just wanted to say that. I don't know why. Weird. When did you get a cape? No, you're holding it up over the bottom.

I've always had a cape. He's always had a cape. He's a cape guy. I've always had a cape. Okay. It's interesting. It's ironic because the movie Heidi interrupted that football game back during the 70s and you're reading Heidi.

I'm interrupting it with Heidi. Yeah. With a fly ball that you end up catching. Yeah, the game interrupted Heidi. I guess that's fine. Did he get called up to the show or what? He never made it. He never made it to the big leagues.

That's the guy who killed himself from the Northern Ohio Water Dogs? Yes. The guy who killed himself from the Northern Ohio Water Dogs. I guess that was the high point of his life. I had read something about how the guy who caught the ball wouldn't throw it back to him. He came out. Oh, that's you. Yes.

I was the only one of the bleachers as stated. He came up to me right after the game. It's very nice. He's like, hey, I've never done that before. It's kind of big. I'm watching. Would you mind if I had the ball? I said, no way.

This is the only good thing that's happened to me in a while. What was going on with you? It's fan protocol. When you catch the ball, you keep it. Unless it's the opposing team. Yeah. You throw it back. Was he on the opposing team?

He was on the opposing team. He was like, just throw it back. So everyone was being executed. Execute your fan given right to throw it back. What was going on with you that nothing had good had happened to you? I just lost a ton of money at a carnival. One day? Yes.

Yes. I thought you were about to circle back to your business. Wait, this isn't about the carnival? This doesn't have anything to do with that carny worker in Northern Ohio killed himself. Yes. What the fuck? I had gone to a carnival bet on the Ferris wheel, which you normally can buy. What?

They don't let you do that anymore. Bet only you do it, but I sweet talked to him. I was like, I got to be feeling about it. What was the bet? Which one would come in first? First. It's a circle. This is so bad idea.

Yeah. So I said, I feel like I got a good feeling about blue five. And so I put a ton of money down on blue five. All these side bets started forming. Who are the side bets? Like, is this guy insane? I've seen this happen. Is he going to get committed right?

Will someone commit suicide? Will they force him to pay it when this bet doesn't work? Because it's, well, they feel so bad. They let him go. We do need to get to our next guest. He is a film reviewer. This is very exciting because I love the art of film. And he is a guy who reviews them.

Please welcome Zuby Condorino. Hey, Scott, it's fantastic to be here on your audio podcast. Zuby Condorino, so great to meet you. It's great to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I don't know why these guys are laughing. My name is a little unique and people sometimes find it particularly entertaining. Both parts of it, Zuby and Condorino.

Zuby Condorino. Your name kind of sounds like what John Lennon said when he flew away. Yeah, he did. It's kind of a thing that's sort of enthused me these days. We don't have time to catch you up on how John Lennon is alive and here and all that. I've listened to the show before. I'm pretty versed in what's going on here in the CBB universe. Okay, fantastic.

Well, Zuby, you're a film reviewer. That's right. I review films. How interesting. Yeah, that's what a film reviewer does. You review films. That's right. I do not critique them.

I simply review them. What does that mean? You don't critique them? Meaning you don't offer any sort of criticism about them? What do you do? I don't do any type of scholarly critique at all. Okay, you're more of a man of the people. That's right.

I'll tell you what movie. You open the paper. I'll tell you what movie to see this weekend. Oh, okay. And that's because of the quality of it or? Because of what sort of struck me with the film. Oh, okay. Well, do you have an example?

I mean, we have a lot of films coming up this month. Sure I do, Scott. Okay, Fast and the Furious Nine. Fast and the Furious Nine. I saw this in theaters mask off. Now. Okay. Good background info.

All right. Can I take a second to swallow some spit in my throat? I'm to be talking constantly on the spot. Take a moment. Thank you. I would say swallow the spit before you start talking. Before you introduce yourself. You do things, Joe and Gino.

I'll do things my way. So, Fast and the Furious Nine. Visually, this is one of the most exquisite, designed and executed films of the modern era. One thing I didn't appreciate is the last scene of the movie. Oh, I don't know that we want to know. Whose idea was it? To have all the Fast and Furious folks, people we've grown up with in the series and love. Sure, Dom.

Talking German accents for the whole final scene. Whoever made that decision, I'd like to find them, bear hug them, and twist their neck off their body. Okay. I'm really upset you. I've got a lot of questions here. Yeah. I got a package of Oreos. You guys had Oreo cookies.

Yes. Yes. You had the cream in the inside. Uh-huh. They're great cookies. Visually, the packaging is exquisite. Sure, of course. One of the most exquisite designs and execution of a cookie package we have today.

I actually don't think the Oreo cookie package is anything remarkable. I think Pepperidge Farm has a more remarkable packaging because it's like a square thing. Your name again? My name is Andy Manders. Andy, I would. Don't worry. He's not coming back. He's not coming back.

This is the only time you'll see me. I think it's the only time we'll see both of you. We don't really need to keep trying a lot. This is a retirement party for Andy Manders and Zuby Condorino. No, call me Andy for this conversation. Andy and Zuby, I don't think that's true at all. I think you guys have a way to keep playing in this game. That's great.

What? Just trust me. Just stick with the plan. Well, let's get to it. I mean, it's time for the final vote. That's how every episode of Comedy Bang Bang Ends. Usually we don't do it on mic, but I thought the listener might be interested to hear who we vote off this time. All right, so I guess we need to do a public vote.

So why don't we start with Zuby Condorino? I vote for that bleeding rock and roll guitarist over there to never be on the show again. For John Lennon, never to be on the show again. John Lennon, never come on this show again. I'd like to see that. Huge stakes. That's huge. Andy Manders.

Stick with the plan. I would like to cast my vote. That's Sprague the Whisperer never comes back. Oh my God. Okay, this is, I'm scrambling now. Geno. I'm scrambling. Geno, who are you voting for?

Here we go. I would like to cast my vote. Here we go. Alliances were formed freaking out. Drama was had. We saw some exquisite visual spectacles. They were exquisite. But I'm going to have to vote Geno Lombardo off.

Geno, with yourself? Yeah. One vote straight. Wait, can you vote for yourself? I think you can. Yes, you can. Yeah, I think so. Andy, you could have voted for yourself.

I should have. All right, John Lennon, who are you voting for? Get out of the tube. Who do we got? Well, I'm feeling much better. No one asked. Just vote. You didn't think that was me.

I vote for the chair guy. Not the chair guy. Totally fair, yeah. All right, so we have one for the chair guy, one for John Lennon, one for Sprague, and one for Geno. Okay. And I have the final vote.

Oh, well, what about my vote? Oh, sorry. I thought you were Jeff. But okay, yeah, what's your vote? Well, I think you were trying to get my alliance. I'm sure it was a little fuzzy. That's true. Maybe you should have a vote.

Look, I got a vote for Zuby Connery. It just makes sense. That's fair, that's fair. Wait, John agrees. That's fair, John. I'm going to call you John now. Wait. Okay.

So right now, every person has a vote. Except for me. Every person has a vote, and I'm the final vote. Except for Scott. You're the final vote. I had all the power all along. What? I played an incredible game.

And of course, I have to vote for Sprague. I mean, oh, he said Sprague. Wait, you're all asleep. You're all asleep. You're all asleep. Thank God. His eye. Morpheus.

Was that a dream? Oh, I changed my vote. Yeah, I changed my vote. Oh, for Morpheus? Yeah. Wait, what? I changed it for Morpheus, too. No, no, no, no.

Wait, no. Yeah, okay. It's the only one I bring back. Morpheus, you're out. No, what? All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks.

Bye. Number six. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. So, uh, Zuby Condorino. I know.

I know. It's serious. Okay. So, you know, Sean came in with the whole survivor angle because I think he started watching Survivor recently or something. That seems to be happening to a lot of people. Yeah. I've heard that from many people.

From a few people. Yeah. It became like some sort of pandemic thing. But, um, he, he surprised us all with the angle of like voting each other off. And then, uh, at the end of the episode, you just heard it, we voted off Morpheus, which is the only recurring character that will has, no, he's done the, he did the one, he did the doctor guy a few times, but it's his like most known recurring character. Yeah.

He voted off and will took it so seriously that he has never, he had, he had not done it since then. He, he was like, no, he was voted off. I've asked him if he's like, oh, you're not going to do more. He's like, no, he was voted off. So he's taken it seriously. And Sean felt so bad about it that he asked him to be on the Speed Force Thanksgiving special.

That I was just going to say, yeah. Okay. That's what. As the alternate universes Morpheus in order to bring him back in so that will could play him again. Right. And so he's back in continuity, which will took it very seriously. Wow.

And of course, Zuby Conderineau and John Lennon, but so, such a fun show to do and we all like, we walked out of it just tingling like, whoa, that was fun. And I remember when, when I have a little group chat in our neighborhood, we happened to be friends with a bunch of people that, that either we moved to the neighborhood that they already lived in or other friends of ours moved into this neighborhood after we'd lived there. And so we, we chat a lot and we see each other for this and that occasionally. And when we were getting the vaccines, we made a chart of when everybody was getting

their vaccine and when they would be in the clear. And then we had a party at our house. And we, like the energy level was at a hundred and it never dipped. Right. It was like we were on drugs. Right. We were so happy to be, like everyone was talking so, so loudly. Yeah.

It was, it was great. But that, that feeling of being, feeling being normal again with other people was like, indescribable. Yeah. It really was. And so that, that's what you were hearing and I'm glad that one ended up so high on the countdown. All right.

We need to take a break. We need to. Back. We are going to hear your choice for number five and then we'll hear your choice for number four. We're getting so high up on this countdown is, I mean, these are good clips. Don't forget, we will play the snowman game and we will sign off with Jerry Springer sign off.

That's right. The most exciting moments in podcast plus Jerry Springer sign off all coming up. You don't want to miss this. We'll be right back with more comedy bang, bring up to this comedy bang, bang, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Great review. Comedy bang bang. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Let's get to it.

We're cracking the top five, Paul. I mean, Scott, I feel like this was inevitable. Does he get any higher than this? Does he get any higher than cracking the top five? I don't think so. We're going to top three. Oh yeah. Top four.

Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? But the top three, that's big. Anyway, let's do it. This is your choice for number five. Number five. Okay. Number five, Paul.

Yeah, I know. Number five. Guess what? Johnny five is alive. What number episode do you think this would be? Thousand and ten. Close. Thousand and nine.

Even closer. Nine. Dead on the money. No, it's episode six hundred and eighty six. Six eighty six. Fun to say. We're back in the six hundreds. Would this surprise you to learn it was from the year 2020?

I'd be fucking freaked out. You would, wouldn't you? But that is exactly what I'm about to say. It's from 2020. We're counting down the best episodes of the year. I know. But if you'll recall the best of... The most famous reindeer of all?

Yes. Because of the way voting works and how I need to pull all the clips. It's from Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving. So the last few... I count as a year. The last few episodes of 2020 were eligible and this is one that made the cut. I can't believe I missed this. Yeah.

Wait, you missed what? I missed this loophole. How would you have exploited it? This is from December 14th, 2020. So what episode do you think it is? I think it's the holiday extravaganza. Yes, you are right. The 2020 holiday spectacular.

Can I let you know who's on this show? Yeah, which would? Jason Manzuchus, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Dailey, John Gabriel, Lauren Lapkus, her final appearance. Her final comedy bang bang appearance. And in her final comedy bang bang appearance, Lauren Lapkus. Ego Wodum. Ego. Carl Tartt.

Carl. Lily Sullivan. This is a special shout out to Lily Sullivan. Now is when you can do it. Okay. I did it. Great. Tim Baltz.

Tim Baltz. Sean Distan. Sean Distan. Dan Lippert. Danny the Lips. Stacked. Yeah, everyone had great tips. Man, those bazongas on every single one.

Those at Jugs. This was another Zoom episode. Jugs is so funny. Jugs. Jugs. Hey, Jugs. Well, that's not funny. The way I said.

This was a Zoom episode. This was, you know, in the middle, I mean, still in the mid. Oh yeah. We were feeling it. We were feeling it. This is when people were really bummed out, I think. This was a very depressing time for us at our household. I'll tell you that much.

Yeah. It was a real drag. I mean, everyone, it was the holidays. No one had seen each other in a few months. I think, you know, people had maybe expectations of the holidays and maybe this will be over by then. It was not. It was around the time where you were feeling like, oh, this is forever.

Yes. This is just life now. Yes. Yeah. And yet this many people being on this episode and showing up and having a good time was a little, a little beacon of joy in the midst of all of that happening for us. We hope it was for you. Obviously, this is such a long episode.

I think it was a two and a half hour long episode or something like this. We can't play all of it. We're actually going to play just the clip and we're going to play just the clip. Oh, we're not going to play the whole episode? No. Was that ever on the table? Yeah. Why not?

What if we just played every episode back to me? Okay. This is just the clip where Jason and I are talking to a man by the name of Santa Claus. And Santa, even the depression of the pandemic has even hit Santa Claus and you'll hear a little bit about it. Let's hear it. This is what you chose to be your number five. Number five.

He's been on the show a few times. He's one of, if I don't mind saying it, I don't believe I mind saying this. He is one of our more combative guests, at least to me. Please welcome to the show, though. He is the king of Christmas. He is the deacon of December 25th. Please welcome to the show, Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, wow. Coming in very low energy, Santa. Hi, Scott. Hi, Jason. Coming in freezing cold. Ice cold. Yeah. Hi, guys.

What, Santa? You okay? You all right? No, I'm fine. I'm fine. You know, good health, all that. I'm just, I have an announcement that I have to make, and it's kind of embarrassing. Okay.

Go right ahead. Okay. Yeah, please. Do you need us to set you up at all, or? How would you do that? I didn't know. Do you need a podium? Should we call the press corps?

I don't know. That's funny. I guess some other special introduction. For ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully this will get picked up by the AP or something. I don't know. I hope it's nothing like life-threatening or anything, because we're a week out from Christmas.

No, no. It's not life-threatening. It's not, everything's fine. I just, you know, health-wise, I just, I have to tell everyone, and this is really hard for me to say, and you know, I know it's going to make people mad. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't do anything this year. Really? What do you mean?

Well, you know, with the pandemic, and it seemed like there was a lot of talk about canceling holidays, and so I thought, oh, okay, I guess we're not, we don't need to do this this year, and so I am just flat-out, I don't, I don't have anything. I don't have anything. Meaning you didn't make any of the toys? You gambled that Christmas wasn't going to happen, so are fully unprepared? I didn't, okay, now, hold on, in my defense, I don't think I gambled, it was that a lot of people were saying that they were canceling these holidays, right?

Who are these people? As Jerry Seinfeld said. You know, it's, it's, it's just the talk, you know, they're government officials. On the talk? Yeah, I saw it on the talk. Melissa Gilbert told you this? Sarah Gilbert? Sorry, I'm a bit of a, a bit of a talk super fan.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Are the Gilbert girls, are they related, and should they do a show called The Gilbert Girls? I was just going to say, is Melissa Gilbert, are Melissa Gilbert and Sarah Gilbert related? Yeah, is everyone named Gilbert is related, Gilbert Gottfried? Gilbert Gottfried, yes. A Filbert, a Filbert Nutt is a, is a cousin. So, so, I'll just move past that, so Santa, usually you start making the toys, you give

yourself one day off. I know that December 26th, where you sit in a hot tub, and then. Oh God, I love that hot tub. That was the best investment I ever made. It's an above ground hot tub as well, right? I love, I love it. It's above ground hot, yeah, it's way above ground. I have to climb a ladder to get into it.

It's about, it's about, I would say it's like 16 feet. 16 feet up. Yeah. Is it 16 feet deep, or? Yes, it is. Oh wow. You can drown inside. So, I'm holding onto the sides for dear life, but I'm very buoyant.

It's more like a, it's more like a plunge hot tub. Well, it's a salt water hot tub, so I float, and, and, but also it gives me a lot of privacy because no one can see me, and I could just be hanging out there, and look, I, I, I'm a kind of guy who wears a t-shirt to the pool, so, you know, to be able to really, to really just be myself, let it all hang out, you know, in his 16, 16 foot height hot tub. In the North Pole, where no one is. Yeah. I tell you, you have the, what, there's the L's.

Oh, there's the L's. You must have to climb like a water slide level ladder to get into the tub. It's pretty high, it's pretty high. Yeah. But it's safe. It's not like action park or some shit. Like, I, I really, I worked it all out. No, no, no.

I wouldn't think it was, I'm sure, I'm sure it's very safe, but that seems excessive. Yeah. So, you know, what about like an elevator or one of those, you know, how if you have older parents? That seems decadent. That seems decadent. The little seat that kind of, the motorized seat. Hey, who's older than me, and I'm not using one of those.

You know what I mean? We used to have family friends when I was a kid and when we would go to their house, they had one of those seats that would go up the stairs to bring their, to bring the grandmother up the stairs and we would always ride it. Like it was a ride. Did anybody catch my slinky reference? Yeah, I did. It was great.

It was great. I mean, you're the guy who makes them. That's a reference that you would make. Yeah. I just need to. Because the stairs. Acknowledged. Yeah.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, listen, toys are some of my favorite stuff. I just am so sad right now to realize many children will not be receiving them. But what I was going to say is you usually start back up again, you ramp up production December 27. I guess we're talking about that again now. Yeah.

Yeah. So I mean, you don't have any toys that you made from December 27 through March 15th or so? All right. I don't like to allow this much of a peek behind the curtain, but here's what happens. We don't really start a production again until March. Whoa. Whoa.

What are you doing between December 27th and March? That's a big, I'll tell you exactly what I'm doing. What I'm doing is I'm giving kids a grace period so that for January and February, nothing counts towards naughty and nice. So you're not even, so not only are you not manufacturing, you're not even checking in. You're not no peeking? No. It's very.

You're telling me it's a no peeking? It's very, it's very loose. It's not as strict as we are throughout the rest of the year. Obviously we check in to see if any kids are like a bad seed murderer or something. They're not getting, they're getting cold for sure. What are you, are you just checking the papers or the police blotting? How are you? I check the papers, check the papers.

Where are you Santa on clean coal? No such thing. Fair. Fair. It's cold. It's filthy as hell. Yeah. Okay.

Good. Good to know. Yeah. It's dirty. So, so, so kids can do whatever they want. I mean, this is just going to be pandemonium. Within reason. It's not like the purge.

Is it like, is it like, by the way, the next purge movie is a kid purge. Really? It's, it's, it's a preteen. It's a YA purge. It's a kid purge. Oh, okay. I'm into that. I would watch that.

Is it set on that reality show where the kids took over a western town? Yes. Yes. What was it? Utopia? No, that's not it. I don't, I don't believe it was called utopia. It's not called utopia.

I can't remember what it was called, but yes. Lord of the horse flies. So, so you've done nothing. This is going to be such a blow to children all over the world. Yeah. I mean, it's a, well, not, I mean, you know, there are, there are kids in a certain like week. I would say we got in a week's worth of production before the lockdown.

Okay. And it just, I've, I've been around a few pandemics in my day and this just seemed like I kind of saw the writing on the wall that people are going to fuck this up and there's no way it's going to be over before Christmas. And sure enough, I was right. And so, you know, all this time I was thinking, well, I made the right call. I made the right call. And I got to tell you, I reconnected with my wife in a way that I haven't since we were

first married. Oh wow. I got to know the, the elves in a way that I haven't before and which way is that? As friends. Oh, that's very lovely. What did you think I meant? I had no idea. It's just sweet to say.

You had no idea. Boy, oh boy. You know, I come on this show and I'm, I'm coming, uh, uh, ermine trimmed hat in hand and, uh, to, to, to give this very embarrassing announcement and then you're breaking the news on this show, much like Todd Glass broke his news on WTS. That's right. This is an exclusive. And then I get the CBB exclusive.

I get this same old bullshit from the host. You know what I mean? I, I apologize. I just, uh, you know, I mean, do you mean it? Do you mean it? I guess all I'm saying is, is you've known those elves for thousands of years at this point. What else is there to, to get to know about them?

I get to know them as individuals as opposed to a boss worker relationship. So did you kind of go through and did you go through like an undercover? What are you talking about? Was it like? Yeah. Yeah. Jason, I did an undercover boss where I, I disguised myself as a gigantic elf. Did you do it like Dwarf?

Yes. I could see it happening. Like Dwarf. I stood on my own boots. I kneeled on my own boots. Dwarf. I love that you do so. Dwarf in the north?

Dwarf in the north. That's right. Whatever that means. Now we're just free associates. I'm, I'm on. I may do it. This is what it always devolves into on this show. I know.

I'm sorry, uh, uh, Santa. I forgot your name for a second. So look, look. So what's your plan? Oh, you're laughing again. That made me laugh. That made me laugh. Ah, the bowl full of jelly is back.

The idea that, okay. I don't mean to comment on your weight. Yeah, you did though. Well, it's a famous poem. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone likes to use that excuse. Like I wrote it.

Who wrote it again? I remember a podcast. I heard a podcast. Clement Clark Moore, the notorious slave, slave owner. That's right. That was a good show. Yes. Oh, well, Santa, this is terrible.

I mean, uh, this Christmas day is going to be a national day of mourning. We made, we made about in that week in March, we made about, I'm going to say 75 toys. Oh, okay. And we're going to, we're going to go to the very top of the nice list and see who deserves it. But after that. I mean, is the nice, is the nice list, uh, in order of nicest to worst really? Well, yes.

We, not only naughty and nice, but we also quantify how nice and how naughty. Wow. So, so who, like who gets the top score and what is the percent? I would imagine, you know, Jesus Christ, the year that he was around, he was 100% nice. Other than that, uh, that money lenders thing. Well, and he also cursed that fig tree. That's true. So you got a 99.96 maybe.

That was wild. I mean, talk about angry. Quite a lot. Quite a lot of your job, Santa. It sounds like it's a lot of like statistical analysis. Oh, absolutely. I mean, every, look, it's, it's a vast operation. Everyone's got their responsibilities and, uh, myself, Mrs. Claus and a few trusted associates,

we are the ones that are going through and quantifying the niceness and the naughtiness. And it's, it's, uh, we've got it down to a science. It's, it's pretty easy, um, at this point, but, um, but yeah, only 75, only 75. Who are the top 75 this year? Can you announce, uh, any of them? Yeah. Um, this is- Anybody you're excited to give some of these gifts to? Anybody that you're like, ah, these kids really deserve it.

Um, like a Greta Thunberg? Greta Thunberg. Yes. She gets one. Uh, she's gonna, she's gonna get an easy make of it. Oh, really? Something that heats up? I don't think you should give her something that heats.

Malala, of course. Uh, she's out there. She's gonna get more of those Barbie heads where the hair grows. Okay. Turn the crank and the hair comes out. Okay. So you're, so all of it, of the 75 toys you built, they seem to, two of them seem to be from the 1970s.

Yes, that's correct. Well, here's the thing. There's some weird kids that get into weird stuff. Retro toys. Yes. Exactly. We start making those first because we don't, we don't have to make a lot of them. And it's like, let's get, this will be fun.

Let's get this out. The start off with something fun. Uh, you know, future gay kids, they love this kind of stuff. It's, it's sketchy stuff. Yeah. Um, so, uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's, uh, it's not a lot. Of course I'm embarrassed. I'm mortified. Uh, I, I should have just honestly, at the very least I should have been, I should have kept in production because even if Christmas was completely canceled, I would have had to jump on next year. Uh, that would have been hard.

Yeah. It's very hard during COVID to, to motivate yourself. I would imagine. Can I ask you, can I ask you this Santa? Is there any part of you that thinks like, Oh, at the very least you should try and deliver gifts. Maybe you could buy a lot. Like, I mean, I know.

You could buy stuff or there's like, I've been buying stuff like on Amazon. I've been buying stuff, you know, first of all, first of all, first of all, there's no fucking way Santa ever re-gifts. Okay. Let's get that out of the, out of the equation. I'm not looking, I'm not looking around my college in the North Pole saying, uh, uh, uh, uh, that's not what I do. What do you do with all your old crap?

Do you donate it or? I donate a lot of stuff. Yeah. Okay. I do a lot of stuff. Do you get a gift bag with like, uh, with a throw blanket? What do you do with it? Uh, I sometimes those blankets are nice.

What about moisturizer that you're allergic to? Oh, well that, I, I, I see if anyone likes it, you know, it's, I wouldn't, I wouldn't wrap it as a gift, but I would like, I'll hold like a. You're playing fast and loose with the re-gifting. Re, a gift is when you, a re-gift is when you take something that's in your home, you wrap it up like you bought it and then you give it to someone. Going up to someone saying, do you like this? Is this something that you would use to have it?

But do you do this on Christmas? No, I don't do it. No. On Cri- Jesus, do you have any concept of what my Christmas is like? Well, you're done by Christmas. What is it like? Well, I have to go all the way the fuck back home to the North Pole. How long does that take you?

How long does that take? Here's the thing. You can get everywhere in one night. No, no, no. That's in one night. I can do that. The journey back to the North Pole is in real time. Oh, wow.

Because by midnight on Christmas Eve. Oh, yeah. No one ever talks about that, do they? No one talks about that. Clement Clarkmore, your slave holding son of a bitch. Do you have to travel commercial back to the North Pole? No, I have to travel with a goddamn sleigh with a ring. Oh, wow.

Oh, my God. And we can't fly. We haven't. It's, it's, it's land-based travel. It's land-based. Just over the hills and through the woods. Oh, that last, that last leg, it's like fucking Fitz Corraldo. I'll tell you to try to get that.

Try to get that. Get that boat over that boat. Oh, boy. It's a real drag. It's a real drag, guys. And my understanding is Werner Herzog's trying to do a documentary about that exact trip. Yeah, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm open to it. But I don't.

Are you in talks with him? We've talked, we've talked about it on and off for years. And I, I feel like the time is not yet right, but eventually I will. I would like to do that. Especially now that, that Prancer has been replaced by Klaus Kinski in the, in the reindeer lineup. That's right. That's right. He had nothing else to do.

What happened to Prancer? Prancer's just taking it easy. You know, he broke, he broke his leg. I didn't want to shoot him. Oh, okay. Oh, you didn't want to. I didn't want to shoot him. He's, he's, he's, he's a good guy.

He's family. He's a good guy. And, you know, I don't know what it is with these creatures, any, anything that's got like a great big body and then the spindly little legs, like, what is that design? You know what I mean? Do you have a, do you have a rifle just in case you do need to put one of them down? Well, I have a rifle in case anyone breaches the North Pole. Wow.

So you are armed. You are a, are you a second amendment right supporter? I'm not an absolutist, but I do believe in protecting my home. And, and of course protecting the mystique of, of Santa Claus and my legend of the North Pole. Of course I buy, this is obviously what I'm doing now. Can I ask you something? Is the North Pole a stand to your ground state?

I mean, it's just us up there. So yeah, I guess you make your own rules, right? We make our own rules. I mean, it's, it's so, we haven't had anyone try to, to, to break in at a really long time. When was it? Yeah. When was the last time? D.B.

What happened to him? His, his, his parachute. It caught some wind and he drifted all the way to the North Pole. Wow. Did he have a suitcase of full of money with him? Yes, he did. Trying to buy his way out, but we had to put him down. Oh no.

Number five. Ah, yes. Good times, great oldies. And that's just the beginning of the, that's the first, uh, 17 minutes of the episode. Tip of the episode, Berg. Just the clip. Um, we, I know you meant that dirty.

I did. Um, it was interesting because then Lauren came on as Ho Ho, who is Santa's, uh, Naughty Elf. Naughty Elf. And, uh, she, she had not heard the beginning part of the episode. And she came with, with the exact same thing of her being depressed. And it seemed like every character was coming on with, oh, I've been depressed this year. How interesting.

Yes, it even hits us. Even us characters. Um, I mean, so, I mean, so many great, I mean, you got Gino came on. Uh, Ego was playing the kid who saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. The chief, Carl was playing chief. Um, great. Listen to the whole episode.

It's fun. And, um, That was a good time. It was a good time. And I'm glad that, uh, people thought so well of it because I'm sure they were going through the same things we were going through and, uh, it's, uh, hopefully we provided a little bit of solace. Uh, SAV.

I hope we provided a quantum of solace for people. It's hard to quantify, but perhaps a quantum work. Can we give you even a quantum of solace? What the fuck is going on with that title? Like, it was, it was it a title that Ian Fleming used originally? I don't know. I don't know. What am I, Matt Gorley?

I'm not, I have no fucking clue. You ever want to be Matt Gorley? Sometimes. I wish I was Matt Gorley. Sometimes I want to impersonate him. He's got it all. All right. We have to take a break.

When we come back, we'll have your choice for number four. And I'm not even going to say that's all that's coming up because we also have the snowman game plus we'll be signing off with Jerry Springer's sign off. And we'll know if Jerry Springer is still on the air or not. We'll figure all of that out. Oh, you do not want to miss this. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Comedy bang bang.

We're back. Comedy bang bang. And we talked about it before. We're going to crack the top four. Who gives a shit? Yeah. Hey, wake me when we crack the top three. I will.

Are you going to sleep? Really? Yeah, I got to sleep. I'm tired. Well, it is four in the morning. We've been doing this all night. Holy shit. This show, it's Jerry Springer.

We have breaking Jerry Springer news. 28 seasons. God. Started in 1991. God. Final episode, 2018. God. Where's your God now?

How much money do you think that nets Jerry Springer? A huge amount of money. Let's say he gets paid. I mean, if he gets paid like $100 an episode. That's a lot of money. $100 a year. Let's just assume that. OK.

28 times 100. He does 100 episodes a year. He gets a dollar each. Dude's fucking rich. He's fucking rich. OK. OK. I'm lost in the conversation of what we were talking about.

Just mere seconds ago. Let's start a new one right now. OK. Hi, I'm Scott. I'm Paul. It's me. What do you do? This.

No, no. We're back. We're back. We're back. OK. We're talking about Jerry Springer. He's fucking rich. Yeah.

Good for him. Good for him. If anyone were to be, I'm glad it's him. I saw Jerry Springer the opera in London. In the opera or at the opera? There was a show called Jerry Springer the opera. Oh, I see. I see.

I thought you were saying you saw him at the opera. How was it? It was fine. OK. Moving on. Let's get to it. This is your episode four. Number four.

OK. Four. Who gives a shit about number four? Right? Who gives a shit? We're going to listen to it. We're going to listen to it. We're going to talk about it.

We're going to talk about it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. By the way. Yeah. Episode four.

We're going to hear this clip, but we have this no man game coming up and signing off with Jerry Springer's full sign off. Anyway. Full sign off. This is number four. OK. So this is episode 700. On the nosy?

On the nosy from April 5, 2021. What do you think this episode is? I got to assume it's got Jason Manzookas and Andy Dailey. That is exactly it. You got it in one. I got it in one. I got to assume and I got it in one. This is, we traditionally have had, I think ever since 200, we've had Andy Dailey and

Jason Manzookas on. I think it was coincidental on the 201. And then it became a thing. And then it became a thing where we were like, let's do this on the hundreds. And we do them on the fifties as well. I want to just do it every episode. Fuck all of you guys. I'm out of here.

You're on some of them. For now. But what if anybody starts deciding to do on the 25s? I know. So this, yeah. So Andy and Jason are traditionally on the hundreds episodes. The episode before we break off another hundo. Because some people will think that's breaking off a hundo.

No, no, no. That's concluding. That's wrapping up a hundo. Exactly. You're breaking off a fresh hundo. You get into like a 701. Exactly. Exactly.

So this Jason Manzookas obviously is himself. And then Andy is returning as Byron Deniston, who we heard from before. Now we heard an episode that happens after this one earlier on the countdown. This is a little pulp fiction, you know, out of time kind of non-chronological. Yes. Like all entertainment is now. Yes. Like because everyone thought like, oh, that's a way to seem smart.

Yeah. How do we stretch this story out? Keep flashing back to things. Do you think Jason is being himself, though, truly? Well, as we all know, he is played by an actor. Jeffrey character weedies, yes. Yes. So that's, I mean, we talked about that, I think.

Jeffrey came on one episode as himself. Oh, weird. But he always, he usually does this character, Jason Manzookas. And this one was earlier in the episode, Andy is playing Byron Deniston, the royal watcher. Earlier in the episode, some things I have to set up, we talked about how he had been over the past few months impersonating Prince Philip. Right. And he had been collecting eyeballs because he'd been looking through the paintings with

his own eyeballs to stare at all the royals. And when you leave the painting, you can't replace it with painting eyeballs because everyone would be able to tell that they, so you need to replace them with human eyeballs. Right. So he'd been getting human eyeballs from corpses and replacing them. So I just, it comes up in the clip. It comes up. I feel like, and then he teased plan one, which is a thing that we talk about in this,

I believe. Okay. So let's hear it. This is what you chose to be number four. Number four. So Byron, hit us with this explosive news. What is going on with the royals? Well, all right.

Here we go. So that American Meghan Markle and the poor man that she's led astray, Prince Harry. Meghan Markle from suits. Yes. The woman from suits, the suits princess. They gave an interview and absolutely infuriated the royal family. Absolutely disgusted and infuriated. And they are very angry with the entire public for everything that they're reading about

themselves and furious. But they have, I have now learned ever since I've been sort of posing as Prince Philip and Buckingham Palace. They've begun talking about instituting plan one. And this is something they've been talking about all the time. Plan one, plan one, plan one. And I have finally determined what precisely plan one is. Wow.

And it is going to absolutely change all of your lives starting now. Are you ready? And they've been, they've been saying they, they're going to put this into action at because there've been conversations of like, should we really do plan one and people do it? Oh yes. There's been a lot of that and there's been a lot of phone calls and meetings and zoom calls and whatnot.

How did they start plan one? Is it like a double key situation where two people are 20 feet apart and they have to simultaneously turn two keys or? Plan one will, everyone has to converge upon the Netherlands as step one of plan one. Oh my gosh. Everyone, everyone, not everyone in the royal family or everyone in the world. Allow me to explain. Please, please, please continue.

All of the royalty of Europe. That means absolutely everyone who is titled throughout Europe is going to converge upon the city hall in Alfen on Den Rijn, which is a building that looks like a spaceship and is a spaceship, gentlemen. Whoa, it looks like one and is one. And it is what? The city hall. Whoa.

In Alfen on Den Rijn. Because, you know, you're talking city hall. At city walk, there's a big spaceship that crashed into one of the restaurants there. Really? That's not a real spaceship. No. Yeah, it's just a fake one. This is a real one.

This is a real one. Shall I share my screen with you gentlemen and show you this? Please, yeah. I'm looking at it. You're looking at it yourself. I googled it, but please share it because I'm not finding a very good picture. Share it with all of our listeners too. So, if you're listening to this podcast right now, you'll suddenly share your screen with

us. Oh, wow. Yes. Wow, that looks like a Disney haul ass building or something. That does. That looks like the ship that the Mandalorian uses. It truly does, yeah. The Mandalinian, depending on who you are.

What's that dude who had the mandolin from movies? From movies? Yeah, there was a guy who had a mandolin in a movie. Captain Corelli? Captain Corelli, that's the guy. Is that right? Captain Corelli's mandolin. Captain Corelli's mandolin, yes.

Dude loved his mandolin. He did. This is right here. This is the spaceship that will be taking all the Royals, and as it blasts off into the heavens, it will fire several nuclear weapons which will destroy the entire planet of Earth. Whoa. Only the Royals will get away. Only the Royals will survive.

Yes, indeed. Do they get plus ones? Yes, absolutely. They can bring whoever they want, and that is why, well here, these are some of the people who will be going along. King Philip VI of Spain. Oh, wow. Carl XVI Gustav of Sweden.

Right. Yes, all of these, yes, yes. And Philippe of Belgium, so many. All of the Royals will go, but the rest of us will be left behind, and that is why, gentlemen, I am currently, I don't know exactly when they're doing it, but it's happening very soon. They're already talking about flight arrangements to the Netherlands. I'm going to...

Oh, if they're already... I mean, if they're at that step, it's happening very, very soon. I think it's happening very soon. So will you be included as Philip? I will only be included. Oh, wait a minute. Yes, perhaps I will be included as Philip. Oh, yes, I've been thinking that I need to marry a Royal, and I have a list of potentially

available Royals. But here I am. Wait, aren't you impersonating me? Do you forget? I did forget. I did forget. I could simply go as Philip. My God.

Well, but not if you've wandered off today, and suddenly they find Philip's body. Well, no, oh, trust me, there's no finding Philip's body. There's no finding Philip's body. I mean, if you've gone too long, though, they may presume you did, and then you will have to marry one of the Royals. Well, listen, maybe I can pass this on to you, because there are several eligible unmarried Royals. Well, look, I want on this ship.

It sounds like to me like it's a futuristic Noah's Ark kind of situation. Wow. So you would abandon Coolop to marry some Royal just to get on the spaceship? Wow. Just to get on the spaceship, not even taking off. Good to know. Yes. So who's out there available, and are they on riot?

Well, number one, the number one choice. Riot. What's that? Riot? Never mind. Look, I don't even know. Yeah. Lady Amelia Windsor is probably the most desirable.

As soon as this podcast drops, everyone is going to rush to try to marry Lady Amelia Windsor. Where is she from? She is from the UK. She was voted or named the most beautiful Royal by Tatler Magazine. Wait, the most beautiful UK Royal or the most beautiful Royal of any Royal family? Because you're talking about Royals from Spain, from all these other countries. Yeah, I mean, we can marry any Royal from any other country. Yes, yes, no.

The Tatler Magazine, which is a British tabloid simply called the most beautiful Royal. Perhaps they weren't, they're speaking of the British. Okay. How old is she? 25 years old. Oh wow. I mean, I don't know if I could overcome the age difference, but I try. Well, she's very sophisticated.

She's 39th in line to the British throne. Okay. And yes, she's out there. She's a model. She works for Dolce & Gabbana. Whoa. Yes. I mean, this sounds perfect.

Look. I mean, let's set it up. Can I ask you, Byron, are you yourself married? No, no, I myself have never managed to be married. So really it's just going to be about if you follow through on this, extricating yourself from this Philip situation in order to plug yourself into being potentially married to this new younger woman. You know, the moment I heard this plan and I was dressed as Philip and in full Philip

makeup, all I began thinking is I've got to marry a Royal to get on that spaceship. Well, here's the deal. You don't want to be constantly putting on this makeup in space. I mean, what with the different air compression and quality and all that kind of stuff. Like it's so much easier if you just marry this hot 25 year old model. Also, you're not going to be able to bring your team on the spaceship with you. Yeah. I mean, your makeup is just going to decompose out there in the pressurized compartments

space. Here's what you need to do. Yes. You're going to need to kill your Prince Philip. Yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean? Well, I mean, you can't just disappear.

He's going to have to have a very public desk. You can't just disappear. They'll be looking for him. So you're going to have to present a death narrative for him so that you can then not have to participate in that anymore so you can go ahead and woo the princess that we were discussing that I can't remember her name. Maybe you could. It could be up there in full makeup at the top of Big Ben and then like throw a dummy

off of it into the Thames and, you know, and then he's presumed drought. I don't think here's the thing. I don't think that's going to work. I think you're going to have to have your team one last time, put you in the makeup and you're going to have to take one of those drugs that makes you like makes your heart stop. You're going to have to take one of those like mission impossible drugs that makes it up here as though you are dead.

Also, also if you're if you're going to do this and you have a full makeup team and these I'm presuming they're the best in the biz. Oh, yes. They're wonderful. Why not outfit yourself with squibs, get some stunt people involved, get some some movie prop guns and stuff and just have a big like heat style showdown in the middle. Scott and I are successful Hollywood screenwriters. We're not just a couple of jokers.

We can strip this in an afternoon. So it's a scenario where Prince Philip is perhaps robbing a bank and is one last time. Or if you want, you can flip it. Prince Philip stops stops. A bank robbery. He's a hero. He goes out a hero. A slow motion bank robbers covered head to toe and body armor running out of a bank.

You as Prince Philip come in and John Wick, TikTok, Mr. Wick, John Wick your way through all of the bad guys. Yes. Rescue the day, but then there's one bad guy gets one shot in and you go down. Yeah. We probably want to outfit the bank robbers in something unique. You know how in the town they're in like nuns uniforms. Something unique like New York?

Yeah. Something like New York. But like, you know how in Baby Driver they have the Austin Powers mask. We want this to really stand out. In going in style, they have the Groucho, Mark Schnolls and Mustache. Exactly. So we need something iconic. Point break.

They've got the Reagan. The President mask. Yeah. The President mask. We need something really iconic for this to really pop. Yeah. Should we spitball some ideas here? I mean, you could have them all be like the various members of the Scooby-Doo gang.

Okay. Yeah. The bank robbers are a bunch of Velmas. We may run into licensing issues with that, but we're not producing anything. Well, this is going to be, there's going to be fictional movies about it years and years down the line. Right. That's not our problem.

They're going to have to, that's them. They're going to have to license it. That's not our problem, but we have a, I mean, we're getting points on this as screenwriters. So you think we should choose something in public domain? Yeah. You know, like Robin Hood or a Christmas scale. Everybody wears green hats. I don't know.

Ghost of past, Ghost of Christmas present, Ghost of Christmas future, everyone's dressed like that in Scrooge. It's the Scrooge gang. Sure. But also, I don't like this. You got Ebenezer in his nightcap. You got Jacob Marley with a bunch of chains. This is how bank robbers, heavily armored bank robbers are choosing to be, to dress up

like the Scrooge gang. Well, in the town, they're nuns and they bring out guns from underneath their robes and stuff. But they're nuns with guns. I mean, that's fucking killer, man. That's true. That's true. But listen, you don't have to worry about how this is going to appear to people in the future, because all of Earth is soon to be destroyed, lads.

I know, but I'm hoping we can get one of these projects off the ground before that happens. You'd have to move faster. I mean, I'm already wondering if there's time enough to do all this. Plus, I've gone to woo a princess. Look, we're the fastest screenwriters in the biz. We can get this done. And the furiestest. We can get this done by the end of today.

Let's put this into production tomorrow. Can you call your stunt people? We don't, you just, not your stunt people. My makeup people. My makeup people. Well, sure. But we need, I mean, you and I. We'll handle that.

Yeah, we'll handle all the stunts. We'll handle that. Okay. You just need to show up and we'll give you the script. We'll walk you through it. We'll block it quick. And then because yeah. We'll block it on its feet.

You need to prioritize. Right. You need to prioritize. Roll on rehearsal. Roll on rehearsal. I'm sure, yeah. Yes, let's roll on rehearsal. Yes, roll on rehearsal.

Yes, exactly. And then, and you know, I mean, maybe we rent out the bank, you know, we'll need a location manager for that, but. Right. But we can work out all of this and you have access to the, the queen's jewels so we can pay for all of this. But yeah, we're going to get you totally squibbed up. Like how do you want to go?

I'm presuming. I just thought of something. Yes. I just thought of something that could be great. Oh. I just thought of something that could be so good. Because also it uses something that you're not going to for much longer have use for. What if you are robbing eyeballs?

Robbing eyeballs. What are the robbers rather? What if the robbers are robbing eyeballs? There's a safety deposit box in this bank filled with eyeballs filled with valuable eyeballs. Suddenly in the getaway, they trip and these bags of eyeballs just spill out all over the ground. It's a good vision. We've been in sliding on the eyeballs because they're frozen.

They're frozen eyeballs. Yes. They roll. They roll all over the place. So it's like an animal house marbles situation, but with eyeballs. Yes. But with eyeballs. And you've got the eyeballs because you've been collecting them for so long.

Yes. And all of them blue. Yes. Yes. This is good. And then I'm presuming you want to. It's the classic blue balls. The blue balls robbery.

The blue balls robbery done by the Scrooge gang. Because it would come to be known if the entire fight would not be destroyed. Scrooge gang is making it is. Okay. We'll talk about this when we get to the final draft. But I'm presuming that you want to die with like a head shot so that the body will be on. And a resume.

And you want to swap out a body. You want to do like a body switch. At the end. Oh, I see what you're saying, but I am going to be, well, we'll need a real corpse is what Scott. Yeah. You'll need a corpse. At some point.

You'll need a double for all of your makeup to put on the corpse. No, no. You want a corpse who can pass as Prince Albert, right? That's who we're talking about. Philip. Sorry. Philip. I'm thinking of my hand.

But Prince Philip, you want like an old guy who then you shoot in the head so that, you know, all the teeth are gone. You want to file off the fingerprints. I don't know whether you have a guy who can get you a body like that. Oh, yes, of course. Yes. So that's no problem at all. I can get, I can have three or four and we can choose so we can have, we can, we can

audition five or six of them if we like. Who's this guy? Who can get you this kind of stuff? I don't know. He's from America and he's just probably the same guy that hooks them up with the eyeballs. Yes, that's right. Wait, does he wear snakeskin pants? Oh, that's strange that you would guess that.

Oh, because I've never seen a doctor working in snakeskin before, so it is interesting. With a full snakeskin doctor's robe? What is it? A robe or a coat? It's a coat. It's a coat. Yeah. All of it.

Well, we had a snakeskin doctor strange cloak. He's in a snakeskin gloves and a snakeskin hair protectorage on his head. A snakeskin mask. Wow. A snakeskin mask, of course. Incredible. This guy sounds like a really interesting guy. Well, I think this is a better plan for you, but do you have a plan then to sidle up to

this, this, this lady Amelia? Lady Amelia or possibly I may, I may decide if time is really an issue to go, simply go after Princess Elizabeth of Thurn and Texas, who is 39. She's 39. Yeah. That's not so bad. Right. Right.

Yes. She's a member of Germany's nobility in Germany. Okay. Yes. Okay. So you're marrying into German royalty? I mean. Right.

I mean, it's not as desirable, but it may simply be a bit easier. It may be easier. But it might get you on the ship, and that's all right. What do you want on the ship? That's what you need. I have a plan though for it to, because obviously this romance needs to happen quickly. Yes. Do you have like a meet cute in mind, you know, like you're, you're both walking down

the street and you bump into each other or anything like that. I mean, you know, I mean, you have to have a plan in order to woo this woman. My only thought was to do an extraordinary amount of surveillance and then present myself as someone who is interested in all the things she's interested in. I mean, you know, this is the plot to a lot of teenage rom-coms. Right. By, Byron, I, I, I really, I hesitate to tell you this. I just Googled Lady Amelia Windsor.

Yes. Yes. She is engaged to be married. No. Yeah. She's engaged to be married as of, as of last year, she is engaged to be married. No. We got to take her off the table.

You have to be kidding me. And this is, the source is, I hate to say it once again, the Tattler. The Tattler's got this before you have it. That's extraordinary. And they've had it for a year. And you haven't heard of this. And I have not heard of it a year ago. It looks like less than a year.

It looks like July, 2020 is when this came out. I don't know when they got engaged, but this is when this article is out. I spent most of the summer hiding in a crypt at Westminster Abbey. In the Prince Philip make-up, in case they found you. This was before I'd started dressing as him, but I was, I was hoping to, I was hoping to overhear some bereavement, but. Oh, okay. So you didn't hear that news?

Well, that's too bad. I mean, you got to scratch her off the list unless you can sort of get in there in like a rom-com situation where you're like, that guy's not right for you. What do they say about the fiance? What do you want? Hold on. Okay. Jason, by the way, is moving things around like minority reporting from him.

Princess Diana's enhanced, enhanced, enhanced Quadrant One, enhanced facial recognition, Quadrant One, enhanced, enhanced. This is a relative of Princess Diana's? Is this a dispenser? What? Princess Diana's glamorous niece is engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Greg Mallet. Greg? Greg Mallet.

She can't marry Greg? No. It wouldn't do. It would have to at least be Gregory or something posh like that. You're a pirate. Anyways, I have an update. Whoa. Enhanced.

Okay. Ready? Enhanced. Enhanced. Thirty-year-old Mallet, parentheses, nicknamed Grizzle. What? Close. Close.

Grizzle. Grizzle. Is this guy hanging out with Kavanaugh? Who is this guy? You are being... Prince Grizzle? You... We will not have a Prince Grizzle.

No, my lord. You're being overlooked for a man who goes by the name... You're being elbowed out by Grizzle? This is outrageous. Oh, man, the Grizz. This cannot happen. This will not stand. No.

Not on my watch. No. The Grizz. The Grizz. That's the update? That's all? That, that's... I mean, that was pretty significant.

I know it was. That's a bombshell. I know, but I was hoping it was. That was going to be played on news programs. That was mind-blowing. I was having the update with Grizzle. I was like, actually, I do know more about him. I call him Grizzle.

Yes. Number four. Yeah. Yes. So, okay. So, as you heard, Andy thought of, he thought of this whole thing, by the way, like, when you hear these episodes, Andy's not telling us what he's coming on to talk about. He had planned out the whole, like, plan one and all that kind of stuff beforehand.

But he doesn't tell you that. He doesn't tell us what he's going to talk about. So he had planned that out, and he had planned out the whole, in the whole plan one thing as you just heard, you know, he had planned out the fact that in order to get on to the spaceship, you need to start dating one of the actual royals. But he had forgotten that he had been portraying Prince Philip the entire time. So as you heard in the clip when we mentioned, why don't you just go on to spaceship as Prince Philip?

He had not thought of that. So that, like, put a hiccup in what we were doing, and you heard us, like, figure our way out of it and finding it in real time of, like, what was going to happen. There may be an update to this story coming up a little later in our countdown. Oh, I think I know what that means. But yeah, that was a really funny one. I listened to the entire thing, not just the clip, but yeah, really, really good stuff. I enjoyed it.

But anything else you want to say about that one, Paul? Absolutely not. I didn't think so, because the reason why is because we need to get to this, the most exciting moments in podcasting, it is time for the third edition in as many episodes of The Snowman. That's right. Now, we leave The Snowman where he was. Where he left.

And he is with his back to us all currently. Yes, he's looking at nothing into the inky blackness of the end of the studio, the expanse of the studio. So now we will press his fat little hand. We will. And we will see exactly where he ends up, and hopefully he has not looked at any of us yet, but hopefully he is back to staring at no one with his back to us all. He's turning again.

He's now looking directly at Paul, but that is only the second of four turns. He's over Paul's right shoulder, left shoulder. This is it. No, almost at Ryan, but he's over Ryan's right shoulder. Sorry, Snowman. Better luck next time. And we'll be back in a couple days. On Thursday, we'll have the top three episodes of the year.

Yes. You do not want to miss this. You do not want to miss. It's great clips. We've had so much fun. But for now, it's time for us to go. And as always, take care of yourself. And each other.