Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2022 Part 1

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

Happy Best Of's to you and many hamburgers to all from Comedy Bang! Bang! Join Scott and Paul F. Tompkins as they countdown numbers seventeen through thirteen of the Best CBB episodes of 2022 as voted by YOU listeners. Tune in Thursday for Part 2!

'd I was gonna say New Year but it's not even the new year for any of these episodes. But happy Best ofs to you and many hamburgers to you and to all of you out there a good night Good night. I'm saying goodbye to all my children. Like it's an award show and goodbye What if you're on an award show? Yeah, it was like goodbye. I'm never going to see you again You know what? I don't hate it. It's not a bad bit I feel bad for the kids of course, but it would be really good people would talk about it forever Goodbye, I'm leaving your mother and then he never never saw us kids again

Pretty funny Welcome to comedy bang bang. My name is Scott Ackerman and this is the best ofs 2022 edition Part one part one Can I tell you and this is embarrassing? I thought your name was Don Ackerman until you just did Scott Ackerman So we've known each other for 28 years or so. Yeah, you thought it was dawn this entire time. Yeah, I went to your wedding Yeah, yeah, well, they were calling me dawn at the wedding to be fair. I mean we yeah, why okay now? Why was that? Well, I saw not crazy

Well, we we got married on Christmas and they were saying dawn we now are gay apparel I never thought my name was dawn right right right right and that I was gay and had a pair Yes, I remember and they were trying to stop the wedding. Yeah, please stop the wedding Dustin Hoffman style. These are references that men of our age make Um Welcome to comedy bang bang. I already did that. Um, this is the best of 2022 a cracking start And best ofs 2022 we're gonna be counting down all of your choices for the best episodes of comedy bang bang You all voted for them. This is all your fault your choices. We're going. Yes choices have consequences

That's true, and you're about to find out you fucked around you fucked around. It's find out here we go Um We are going to fuck around during these episodes. Uh, and let me introduce my partner in crime here. Uh, he's a criminal Yeah, um, we can make crimes together manslaughter. Yes, we've been manslaughter together. Yes Why do we kill? He is a stand-up comedian. He is a raconteur. He is a writer. He is a an improviser He is a husband. True. Uh, and that's the list in order of what he likes. You're yeah, that's my twitter bio Yep

Um, please welcome. He does this every year with me paul f. Tompkins. Hi, I do this every year with scott and that's not alive No, we have lied several times so far. Look, here's the thing scott can only tell lies I can also only tell lies so everything you're gonna hear is one of us telling truth neither So when we said that that was true, it was a lie. Yeah Yeah, everything is alive so far. We're lying. Do you get it? God damn filthy liars. Oh, you don't have to be filthy to be a liar He's a squeaky clean liar Uh, we uh, we have a good time when we do these if you've never heard these before this is uh, paul f. Tompkins

Yeah, paul f. Tompkins is what happened there I found a little step stool under the table. Oh, how cute someone is there an exceptionally short host Is that for one of the office ladies? It's for one of the office ladies It's a red velvet stool That is steve correll's face embroidered on it But it's his character from morning show. That's true. Um committing sexual harassment. Yeah, but then we liked it I guess and we felt bad when he drove off a cliff. We felt bad for him. He didn't look all he did was sexually harassing people

Maybe commit a rape and then Then he drove off a cliff then he exiled himself to a beautiful italian villa I felt bad for the guy Um, we are speaking of the step stool. We are in the ear wolf studios and we have some uh, surprising news about our location We'll we'll do in a future episode, but um paul it is of course, uh, about a week before christmas So approximately six days before christmas And uh, which is a holiday here in america that goose. Guess what? I mean A little large for my tastes. I goose go to see your doctor

Take some uh, mozempic or what is it? What are the conditions taking? I don't know a zempic mozempic They're taking like diet pills. It's like a star wars name It's not diet pills. It's a It's a shot that you get But what okay, if you're a fucking obscenely wealthy Yeah, you can afford the best food exercise eat great food You can you can afford to hire an assassin to force you to exercise at gunpoint. They make their own the only way I would Yeah, they make their own fucking schedule. There's zero excuse. Yes, and then a shot on top of that

I know well, it's uh, it's it's also for something else because I know it has a medical reason But I think the added benefits is that uh, people are losing weight on it But I can't remember what it's called. It's like well butrin made people quit smoking. So they also call it chantix Really same fucking thing Chantix and butrin Well, well butrin well butrin. Yeah, we've just run out of names for these drugs Butrin didn't work on people and then they were like we got to make this better and it became well butrin Oh, okay. Yeah, I've been noticing by the way. I I see a lot of these uh drug commercials

Oh, yeah, and you know how every drug commercial the the template is You see someone living the time of their life living their best life and that is supposed to mean if you take this drug You'll be able to do these things. Yeah, I've noticed a startling new trend in these This is exciting That the people who are supposedly having the best Times of their lives Are doing food service industry jobs There's one

there's one where Where you see this woman and she's walking along the beach and you know in slow motion and she's gorgeous and she's having the time of her life And she walks right into a beachside restaurant and then starts hostessing Do you think it's aimed at Uh hallmark channel viewers where the woman always has like a bakery or she has it seemed to me It seemed like that although they did do one with a male where like he's sad at the beginning of the commercial He looks down at his phone and someone texts him. We miss you at the restaurant And he gets even sadder

And then he takes this drug and then you see him like In the kitchen at the restaurant like frying up fish and stuff How did he not lose his job? Was he was he the head chef? He must own the restaurant I think I think what they're trying to do with these is like you can live your best life owning a restaurant But the the poor woman who owns this restaurant. She's like Delivering food. She's like basically a food runner. Yeah, and then at one point you see her slightly picking at a big plate of food food She's packing up a big plate of food

I meant to say fruit and then I got confused with food. I think came out. What is fruit if not food? I am fruit. I have food. Can you milk me? I Have food So she's like she's like fucking around with a with a pile of fruit getting it exactly right Aesthetically and then she just delivers it to a table It's not even like she's the person who creates the fruit and then Then hires someone to take it to the table, which would be the dream. I would think she's a control freak

Oh, this is what it is. This is her place, right? Somebody else prepares the fruit and then she goes over and like they did it wrong again And then she hostesses because she can't trust anyone else to greet the people properly So actually that drug's not helping her. Maybe this is all the before Which is walking to the beach. That's what she had that probably takes the drug and then zones out on the couch watching Netflix I I really like the ones that I think are are effective Are the ones for psoriasis medication. Oh, yeah, where it's people that are all bundled up like

Eskimos It's his the season right and then they take the drug and then they're like I have no sleeves anymore. I burned them You just see them whole kogan style ripping them off. I can't wait to get the pool I don't care if it's February. Let me in there Is that whole kogan who rips off his sleeves or is that because I saw a commercial the other day with the gronk And he was ripping off the sleeves of his shirt I thought hulk tore his t-shirt. He tore it open. You're right. Yeah. Did he I'm getting ready to see some racial epithets And i'm sick so everyone's gonna watch

And then sue someone Do you think that I would like to see the whole kogan documentary or a biopic? I think you see the scenes of him like cutting slight Little slits and he was scoring scoring it with a razor blade so that he can tear it open more easily Oh, what if he couldn't do it if he was like pulling at it like god This is a strong throw well made shirts. I need to buy cheaper shirts Who would play him in the biopic? This is a good question. I get I mean, you know, normally you would go with a wrestler like a johnsina

type but uh Can you imagine johnsina like with the handlebar mustache in the wick? I can't actually I think it's very easy to imagine Who played him in the weird owl movie? There was a he was a former wrestler or maybe a current wrestler Oh, the weird owl movie starring both of us. Yes. We are the stars I agreed to do the movie. I you know, I'm offer only. I don't know whether you audition but I No, I was offered the role after someone else got sick. Oh, that's right. Um, but uh, I I did it on the I'm offer only on the provision of health

I did it on the condition that I for that day. I beat number one on the call sheet And I refused to learn lines and I said I'm just gonna riff Wait, you wrote both of those lines? And they were very plots uh forward Strangely enough, I just I was so locked in I knew what the character would say to further the plot I was the first day of shooting and they had to rewrite a lot of the movie. Yeah, wow for my riffs. You really bowed them Um, if you're listening to this, is this comedy bang bang? Well, no, this is the best of of comedy Is this is comedy bang? Is this what you'll hear when you listen to comedy bang bang? No, absolutely not never

No, you're not listening to it now. No, turn it off. You can't hear this Normally the show is uh and normally for garfield fans normally, yes, uh normally it is a Comedy program where I'm the host Scott Ackerman We have celebrities usually on although a lot of times we did not this year We because uh, and we'll talk about the two distinct eras of the show this year But uh celebrities due to health restrictions were not appearing on the show all that much this year

Until the back half of the year, but normally in a normal episode You'll hear hear me talk to a celebrity for a little bit and then we will bring on other guests And the other guests are uh, and this is the big secret We only talk about on the best ofs and don't talk about this for the rest of the year Yeah, please only talk about it on the days we do the best of yes on the days we release them That's when we acknowledge it. I don't care when you're listening to this. No only if you oh If you're listening to it after it's released you you can't talk about it Yeah, and if you're a time traveler and you've taken it back in time time cop style and you're listening to it on your walkman

in the 20s And then a time cop versus 20s That was the the trailer To time cop. I believe was like a walkman in the 20s I'm like someone like a big rich and powerful guy goes up A newfangled elevator into his office and it's all black and white and then he takes out a walkman and starts playing metal And you can't do that. You can't yet. That's why the time cop stop you time cops. Yeah, he can't play metal Yeah, yeah, yeah, what if somebody hears it? They lose their minds exactly like what is this slightly louder music?

Do you think that triggered the great depression? Hearing metal somebody heard metal You got confused someone said it's metal music the economy was fine a guy jumped out the window everybody's like must be the economy We're in a depression. It's the economy stupid Who said that first James carvel james carvel diddy. Yeah carvel james carvel diddy carvel The rude who's puff carvel Carvel and carvel very similar one makes ice cream. That's right and the other presumably eats it

I bet he does. Do you think if you made ice cream, you would no longer eat it because he'd be like, oh that No, I think I'd eat it all the fucking time. I think so too. I think I'd learn how to make it very very fast. Yeah Oh man, I'm hungry for ice cream. It's like this didn't this I love this but it took too long I gotta figure out a way to talk about time cop. That's that's now I am I'm I'm making the ice cream. Then I'm going back and I'm going forward in time To the ice cream. So how do I do? I don't know how do you get I think that would be a marketing hook This is the ice like you see it on the shelves. This is the fastest made ice cream possible. Yes You're like, I don't care how it tastes

Like no, we made it really fast. I just but honestly the worst ice cream you've ever had still pretty good It's like pizza. I know. Did you ever make it? Uh when you were growing up? No No, we had an ice cream maker. So I ate snow. Is that count? Yellow snow Scott of course, of course you did it's slavery It's like a nice slushie. You're in flavored slushie, of course Um, so what we do is we have celebrities on first and then we have comedians on and they are playing fake people That we interview that's the formula of the show some call them characters

A lot of people call them characters. I refuse to Yeah, you always say fake people, right? Yeah, but but yet I call them fake people They're very real to me. They're not characters. They're fake people Um, that is the format of the show. We have uh, usually a real person and then a bunch of fake people That's that's if you're listening to this. That's what it is and paul Because he is on the show so often Uh, he does these best ofs with me and he sits there hoping that his clips get on to the best hoping and praying And you know, I turned my back on God a long time ago, but when we started doing these shows

I rediscovered prayer. Yeah the power of prayer the power of prayer my prayers have been answered They have many times. Do you think they'll be answered this year? Did you did you want to be on the best of? It's in God's hands. I did want to be on the best ofs this year, but if I'm not That's God sending me a message and that message is I'm done with you and so I will turn my back on him again Okay, so we'll see. Yeah, that's this is a big tease for the episode. We'll see if paul turns his back on All conditional. Yes. It's like, please god let this happen or I will turn my back on you. How do you think you did this year? Do you think how do you think you'll be right? I think it's been a very good year

It's been a lot of fun shows and uh, I hope I'm in there at least once. Yeah, a lot of people are saying paul, I don't know how you feel about this because I know you're a listener. You're not just uh, uh participant You also remember uh, that this is the best year in comedy bang bang history. Really? Her story, sorry Them story, okay, they them story. Are people really saying that a lot of people are saying it is I mean, uh, You know a lot of people have fondness for for the year that they first started listening. That's what I've noticed Sure the year they got into the show there like that was the best year Yes, but a lot of people are saying that somehow I don't know what happened

But the show has catapulted into another stratosphere this year. I mean look a lot of great guests It's been a lot of fun. It's been very silly. Um, some new blood coming in and reinvigorating the franchise Reinvigorating the saggy bloated franchise this tired old workhorse has just had a fresh bag of votes Well, we said we would talk about it that there were two distinct eras this year um, but actually it's a little more like three because we When we say it's the best of 2022 because of when we need to get all the votes in We start post Thanksgiving of the previous year. That's right. So there we started in the last Monday of thanks Of november rather of 2021 and we go through the I think the third

Week of november of 2022. So the three distinct eras were In 2021 we were still in the studio because mid 2021 the vaccines came out and everyone was kind of comfortable being in the studio again Then cut to 2022 come the new year The covid started kind of getting a resurgence. It was like slash Fauci And it it seemed cool again and so people people were like hey, I kind of like this thing Yeah, so we had a good probably Four

months, I think where we were taping all the shows in the backyard now I've been taping them over zoom during the First part of covid because no one knew if it was even good to be in the backyard If you'll recall paul, we were doing three-dom episodes in the backyard. Yes, and we were doing them so far apart We were about 20 25 feet away from each other Uh using really long microphone cords and headphone cords And we were super far away from each other and then the science Got a little more locked down and people were like, oh no, if you're outside even if you're close, there's very little chance

of of Getting it receiving it or giving it So we did a bunch of shows in the backyard for a good four months or so that Where we were a little bit closer. We were kind of but it was outside Now celebrities would not come to those shows usually because it's a little strange to say like, hey come to my backyard And do a show. It doesn't seem professional. Now these would be people I would I would imagine by and large people that have never done the show before and so they hear about this and they're like, what?

No, we did have some good celebrities. We had uh, uh, david cross and uh, I'm trying to think of any other celebrity who came Anders home famous story Anders home came the wrong day. He came the day before the show was supposed to tape And he was all excited and I said, uh, you got the wrong day and he said someone's getting fired for this and I said, well, I hope it's not me and Turned out it was me. I was fired for like two days Shit, and then I called up Anders and I apologized infusely. Yes, and he was like he was like, all right. We'll hire you back So he get that power. I don't know. How did one man get all that power one man should have all that power exactly So keep attributing that to Kanye, but it comes from Malcolm X. Yeah

Exactly, and I think it's a quite like he invented that he got it from Noah I remember Noah saying that and that's why he got rid of all the men when he after like when he was building the ark He's like this fucking sucks No one man should have all that power to make me do this and it was god. He's good. Yeah, yeah Um, but yeah, Anders came one day. It was the wrong day He came back the very next day when the show actually was scheduled So we had a few celebrities, but by and large we did a few Just all character episodes where people were just

being characters and Something about the energy of those was very relaxed. I got to do a couple those. It was really fun. It was nice. It was fun So that that was the backyard era and then come probably may around when the the 13th anniversary episode came out then we came back into the studio because things calmed down a bit Now maybe we go to the backyard again. I don't know. I don't know. We'll talk about it a little later in the show We don't know

So those are the eras this is also has been the oh no The the year of oh no right where a lot of our guests said the phrase oh no And what started that? We'll uh, we'll talk about that in the countdown. I think I know a particular episode. Okay where it started I think that I know and I am going to Before when you when we get to it. Yep I want you to say this is the one. Okay, and you'll say what it is any other information I'll tell you that that there were two weeks in a row where everyone said oh no, but but and that's how I caught on

Yeah, every single person was on the show ended up just saying oh no Um in any case so when we get to the first example of it, I will say this is the one. Okay, um Paula are you ready to get to it? This is exciting one very quickly right before we dive in. Yeah earlier You said the phrase post Thanksgiving and all I could think about was saying to you What if I started a music career as post Thanksgiving and it was me singing but I have uh tattoos of turkeys all over my face And it was all I could think about while you were talking and I didn't hear anything Okay, great. And were you happy when you were thinking about this? I was so happy I was so happy

It's to me. It's like if I if it was if the matrix were real. Yeah, that's where I would be Yeah, instead of who you are not even being post Thanksgiving. It is real and you're thinking about yes, exactly. Unfortunately Let me red pill you by the way. Who please during the break. I will not take my diarrhea medicine Okay, this is this is Very exciting. We're about to get to it. Paul. Are you ready? Yeah, man. We're doing A lot of episodes this year more how many it was a very strong year. We're going to do a top 17 this year Top 17. Can you imagine? I can't and I wish you told me that before I would not have agreed to do this. Oh really?

How many would you can we You pushed it to 15 and I was like that's a lot If you had done top 16, I would have said, okay, but this is the last time Okay, but now I'm in top 17 without warning. Yeah. Well, I'm giving you the warning now. So set your expert When you said post Thanksgiving, I was thinking about post Thanksgiving cereal What I said it to you. Yeah talking about when you said that's all I was thinking about while you were talking about Having a turkey tattoo. This is a real ohenry Do you think so post I mean post cereals are essentially raisin bran is the famous one, right? Yes

So if they did a Thanksgiving cereal, it would be cranberries With turkey flavored Serial Yeah, it'd be cranberries with turkey flavored cereal sounds good. It does sounds good Good to me and they have the cranberries on the box. That's right. The anthropomorphic cranberries. Not the band. Oh, oh got it Yes, rest in peace should de laura de laura. So reared and de laura. So reared and yes zaha ambi Um, all right, let's do it Here we go. Wait is Shirley Manson still alive? Yeah from garbage. Yeah, okay

All right. That was the name I was thinking of when I was trying to come up with de laura. So reared and yeah Well, there were uh contemporaries stay alive. Shirley. Please matter. We need you. I will find you I have not seen that move nor have I um, oh we should do it. Um, all right. Here we go Let's do it. We're breaking into the comedy bang bang best of 22 This is your choice for episode number 17 All right, let's let's address the elephant in the room I thank you scott because we have to talk about it. We have to talk about Before we get to the clip teach the controversy

Okay, so we didn't re-record the best of numbers. No as we have said we were going to do for the past four five years 10 probably Every year. Okay. So so I think the first year 14 years ago when we did the best ofs We were I was looking for those cheesy little Like am radio Number countdowns cheesy. I think they're elegant. They are but I mean they're from the 70s or And so I found them on and I'm a 90s bitch

I found them online and and there were it was only one through 10 And and we do more Clips than that. So uh, we've had to say number one seven like you just heard And so every year we're like we should re-record these ourselves And then we asked people to remind us to do it this year the best part Yes, and we said we definitely will do this this year. Yeah, and to prove it You need to remind us on this day and we set a day

I think it was like yeah, like in june or something I feel like it was in the middle of the tour or something because I just we were we were looking in august We looked down at this and we're like, we're not gonna do no And I had a baby on the way in a month as just like there's in fact a lot of people on tour I do recall this because uh, paul and I Talked to fans in the pre-show q&a's A lot of people said hey, we just want to remind you to record the best ofs. Yes and I said

We definitely are going to do this in october Barring any sort of like huge life event Happening to me, but you knew this. I knew this was happening in october. So you had the tracking info on that, baby It was it was past label created This baby was on the way It's into shipping center in woman's stomach So that was a little cheeky on my part, but uh, and we were sort of playing it off like a huge life event Like one of us dying or something, but uh, yeah, there was no way we were gonna record this. No

No, and we never will except we will do it next year if you remind us if you remind us every single day Every single day for the month of july july. What do you want to say? Yeah, july if if uh, and i'm not saying like one person Uh, like, you know, hey jim jim reminds us on july 1 and andrea reminds No, i'm saying like all of you have to remind us every day in july everyone named jim and andrea has to do this Jim's andrea's your task has been set So we will do it next year definitely 100 no lie. This is a promise and a swear We will do it next year. I kind of like the old numbers though. They sound good Yeah, I mean you we could keep one to ten. That's sure we could keep saying one to ten. Who should we get involved in this?

Everybody who can sing that we know that we know Okay, so who's this zack and jess tawny. Yeah, amy man Oh, oh, okay beyond just coming back back. Absolutely. Bring them all in nick lowe Um, all right, let's get to it. This is number 17 and uh, this is episode 774 can you imagine doing that many episodes of something? No, it's too many We did even more than that. Fuck. This is episode 774 from september 12 2022 my

birthday Yes Is september what 12th? Oh, oh, oh, oh, why? It is it was your birthday that day that's right and we celebrated by putting out this episode what a gift to me Yes, what a gift. What a gift. Um, this is an episode titled Inflation Inflation, I'm pronouncing that correctly not inflection inflection

and uh, uh, uh, this the participants are Can I say one? Yeah, hammy hammy. It's hammy time. You can't touch this Is He should john ham should as a commercial for one of his many commercials Yes, he should definitely dress up in hammer pants and do the hammer dance What the fact that he hasn't done this is in a front tree to us. It's absurd It's absurd. I mean if you were amazon or progressive or apple or Mercedes or one of his companies What are you sitting on your hands here? He does santa claus for the world cup before he does

Hammer hammer mc. Hammy mc. Hammy come on man progressive look progressive does all these these these various campaigns So there's the one where he's in love with flow. Yeah They should have spun him off into his own progressive thing. There's mc. Hammy. Yes He dresses okay, and this is you can't touch this deal on insurance. He dresses up like mc. Hammy With flow just so we have the continuity Yes, and then at the end flow says i'm just not interested and he walks off camera right Yes, and then cut to he walks on camera left and says i'm going to be my own commercials from now on Yes

So we stay tuned we get like a little scenes from a marriage where he walks off the set Why did they do that? I don't understand why they did that but he says stay tuned and then you have to leave your tv on Stay tuned. Yeah You have to leave it tuned to the channel that you were just watching like people say still they still say stay tuned Even though you don't tune your tv's you know what's funny is that people still address podcast listeners as viewers viewers I I had trouble with that because I was used to saying it on tv and and I had to every I would go view I mean listeners. Yeah, it's very very difficult

But i'm talking about people who've never been on tv you're saying viewers Yeah, our viewers will want to know this like what are you fucking talking about? Although maybe you're listening to something that occasionally has a video feed I'm talking about like the news You're listening to the news. I'm listening to the news. What news? The northeast west and south news my dear boy. Oh that news. Yes All right, so john ham is an old friend of ours I've known him gosh

Probably for two years before he was on madmen We used to play poker together over at his at his place and he was uh, always the uh, very talented actor Who could never get a break could never catch a break Was always at poker at poker. He's a terrible poker player worse actor He was uh, uh, a guy who he would get cast in pilots and uh, they would they would never go And he would have like bit parts in shows like the unit. I don't know if you remember the unit David mammoth, I believe co-created that as well as sean ryan from the shield. Oh, no, thank you. Um, it was pretty good He'd be on like three episodes and we go. Hey, you were great john and we go

Oh, when is he ever gonna get a show and then one day he said oh, i'm on this show on amc and we went the movie channel Get the fuck out of here. You fool. You fucking idiot and we kicked him out of his house his own apartment Wow What the fudge can you imagine? That's rude And then I remember we were playing poker at his place and I was like, I hear your show is pretty good And he's like, oh, let me give you some videotapes. It was still videotapes Boy, you're yawing. What no, no, maybe it was dvds. He wouldn't yeah It might have been videotapes because I remember it being very chunk. It was probably dvds. Yes, of course

Yeah That show was on in the 2000s I had I requested they give me vhs's I just remember it being a clunky package and him like giving me season one and it just took up a lot of space But maybe it was dvds. Maybe I think it probably was. Yeah. Anyway, he gave me the dvds and uh, he gave you a hard drive He gave me a computer That's nice. That's very nice. He must have been doing pretty well But uh, the rest is history, of course, I watched uh, those dvds and the show became famous

Don't want to make a connection, but you're free to do so In any case, he's been doing this show comedy bemig since the beginning since the very first year Always a great friend of the show. He had a movie come out in september called flech Which is why the the title of the show is in flechion I believe we even say it in this clip that we're going to listen to. Oh, okay The other participants are we're not going to hear from him in this clip But devonfield the very funny devonfield who has started doing the show this year Ever since the speed for skanks giving special skanks giving skanks giving. Is that what it was called? Yes

Of of last year, I hadn't met him and uh, shondistan cast him as Someone who is going to be important to the show in the future And which then made me say well, we needed to come true. So I started using him. He's very funny We're not going to hear from him, but we are going to hear from lily sullivan Can I just take this moment to give a shout out to lily sullivan paul? It is time to do that. She's so funny You've done it too early in previous best. I know right on time at this point. I know i'm so glad lily sullivan she uh

She's very very funny. She's been doing the show for I don't know three four years at this point something like that my wife and I recently had uh Like not really an argument, but we were each Throwing pots and pans at each other. Yeah, well, we that's just the thing we do because we hate our neighbors Um, so we think as much noise as possible trying to scare them away We keep saying every time we see them on the stream we're like our house is haunted. It's pretty haunted I think they talked about haunting other houses in the neighborhood um, but we had a little um

Uh, uh disagreement about who was the bigger fan and I was saying I was she was saying she was on the um The rock and roll hall of fame. I believe jimmy jam and terry lewis They uh, one of them the one who talks more said we've never had an argument Because I don't want to win anything that he would lose We've had disagreements Wow Yeah, wow. Yeah, I've I thought that was love. Yeah, I thought I thought it was an interesting thing to say Are they still married?

Remember when morris day officiated on stage at a time show? They didn't know they were getting married And after it was like ha ha I married you Okay, so lily sullivan uh, very funny comedian She does a ton of characters on this show and the one you're gonna hear is bridget jones Now she started doing bridget jones when we were on tour debut. Uh, we did uh, uh a lot of dates in august of this year And lily did approximately four or five of the dates and she she did bridget jones on tour And um, this is the first episode she did in the studio with bridget jones And uh, this is of course her doing the real bridget jones that the movies are based on and may I say this is uh

This is the most recent time, but it's also as of now the last time That she's ever she will do bridget jones. Yes. That's right. Yes. She will never do she may do it again I don't know but as of right now. It's the last time she'll ever do it. That's true We may change our minds Um, but yeah, so we're gonna hear this clip. This is uh john ham and lily sullivan as bridget jones This is your number 17 She's a famous diarist. Please welcome to the show bridget jones. What's up? How are you doing? I'm good. Hey bridget. This is john Hi, nice to meet you. How are you doing? Listen, you guys got mad wrong. It's not a diarist. It's diarrhea

Oh, it is diarrhea. That is what you call me. Okay, so just get it straight straight out the gate Wait, does is everyone which weirdly is how diarrhea comes straight out the gate Straight out the gate has everyone been mispronouncing the movie titles. Is it bridget jones diarhea? Bridget jones is diarhea Okay, wow To be fair, I never saw any of the movies nor did I read the diarrhea. I saw that first one I don't remember any of these scenes where bridget jones said, excuse me. I have to go Well, listen the guy mad wrong like hollywood took that story my diarrhea

From way back when and they changed the shits a lot. So they messed up. Okay. That's right now You and I met on tour we met on tour. We're this is in uh, boston. Is that right? We were in new york You were in new york. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, the city of lights The city that doesn't sleep The city with the trash everywhere city so nice. They named it twice. They did new york that city That's so nice. They named it twice. They named it twice new york new york. We met there and you uh, uh, we talked a little bit There about what did we talk about? well, so basically like

23 years ago or whatever as they bought me diarrhea off me The hollywood people no offense or whatever I don't remember who was whatever, but you'd remember if it was wine. Yeah, for sure. Your plants would remember. I'll tell you that So, you know who he is today Talking about m frank and now this is right when I get on And woody ellen don't forget Should we talk about michael jackson while we're here? I mean it's it's right there So listen, yeah, they be buying my diary off me for nothing like 35 quid or something like that low nothing

I'm like, yeah, I should take this. How much is a quid? I don't know it's because I know you can get one for every quo. Yeah, it sounds like it's four dollars Because of quad quad quid quad. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the exchange rate is Regardless, it's relatively low. It was super low. It was like full dollar like full dollar 35 So it's like a quarter. Yeah, like absolutely nothing And I'd be like, okay. Well, yeah, like go ahead and take it Then they go make this big movies with zell wiggers renais and and cullen and hug grunk Hugh grann I believe

You know, you don't really hit that hug. You don't hit that first g Hug grunt famous lover of blowjobs Hugh Grant He's on record as loving him really don't always say I love it. It's like my favorite thing in the world I believe that's his quote That's the proofs in the pudding. I mean if I can bring it back to diarrhea the proofs in the pudding Look, we all love blowjobs probably probably you never have one You don't know Bridgette what

You want me to keep talking? Yeah Okay, um Yeah, so they they buy me diarrhea for me for literally nothing Then they go they make this big movie. They make all this money. I'm like, what the shit So I didn't get any of that. I'm so sorry. I'm like, I'm gonna go back to drawing board work on me diary Then sells it make lots of money. Yeah, because they bought the old diary. They can diary by nature is every day, right? Yeah, I'm like, so I'll work on me diary and then now 23 years later. I'm basically done with the shits I'm ready to make a new movie. Right took me that long, but I got some entries. I got like six or sevens entries

Okay, mad entry. Are you are you will this be starring you will you actually get to star in your own story? Well, this is what the thing is like I'm like 55 like But I want to tell like a young story. So I'm fine with like a young hot bitch playing me. You know what I mean Yeah, I mean bridge you here. You're 55. You're kind of I mean like a butter face. And so, you know, it's not like you have Don't get me started with this Looking at you. I forget your face immediately It's like, you know what you look like. What's that you remind me of like a gyoza a gyoza the dumpling Yeah, you're like fried and like full of meat

Interesting and like you stupid not hot like a cold one. Hmm interesting. Okay What what that's what you look like. What's that? So don't call me a butter face. I know I'm mad hot Is it what do you call a butter face in England? Does it call something different smear? Just a smear. So you're like a smear. So you you want someone who's a little bit younger to start in the movie Yeah, like I want a movie to sell or whatever. I want to make mad money. Like I'm not stupid Like put the fucking hot bitch in right like who who like today's renaise elwiger. Yeah, who would that be? I don't even know. Well, so like I got entry about it. Ashton kutcher. Yeah, ashton kutcher. Yeah, probably Okay, so you have an entry though. You say yeah, I have entry. I can share with you because I want to give us a taste

Taste of what what what the story might be and then we can maybe we can cast it Because john johnny here. I know some people you can do an english accent, can't you? Uh, yeah, I certainly I wait is that it I can I can certainly try to do one. Yeah, right That's mad good That's what I thought. Yeah, that's mental. He sounds exactly like me dad. Oh, great bridge. Let's read it That's mental That's absolutely mental Okay, let me read me diary entry. Okay. Okay. Here we go. This is bridge at jones

A recent diary entry or something from the past 20th. Like I'm in LA, you know, like I'm taking in the city Like going to target going to like home depot All the places right off sunsets I'm going to game stop you just stop I'm going to what's that burrito place? I'm going to netflix offices Okay Yeah, so like I'm taking in the city, you know what I mean? So here we go. Okay

Did ira It's me bridge jones from bridge jones is ira It was a typical hollywood morning woke up to the sounds of people's assholes being bleached Put on me stumpers and headed out for a bit of brekkie Ordered me self a cup of jiggie jizz and a plate of squally squog When all of a sudden in walks famous hollywood girl Allyson williams I knew this would be my moment. So I got them

So I told them I told her all about me diary idea and insisted that she play me since I know That everybody wanted tiggy hoiggy and poppy her dog But then out of nowhere she'd be yelling at me to get away Something about me asking too many questions about her notch But then it hit me Clearly she was intimidated by me and me diary and scared I was coming for all of her quid and quill But then again, who wouldn't be love bridge? Okay, okay a lot of potential there. I mean

So this is going to be a movie about your character going up to allyson williams and no getting into a fight I think I was listening. No, you've been like mid-century modern furniture right now. You're pointy. You don't make sense Okay. All right. I accept that criticism make no sense. Right, but uh, I mean, that's one of the like the set pieces in the movie No, listen, I'm trying to approach her. Have her play me. She's hard to shit. You know, she's a good singing voice Yeah, she played peter pen. Yeah, like that's me. Yeah, like I look like peter pen Like she could madnail me, you know, I mean, but didn't you say that the movie was going to be based on these diary entries? Just Williams would then in this scene

You and then who would be playing alice and williams? brian williams I think she goes up to her dad and Can I put this wig on? I'd be honored to get brian williams. You think we can get him b dubs. Do you think he retired just for this? He might he might he would do it. He likes he would he loves nothing more than a challenge He loves a camera on him. He would play young me Our lesson would play old me right. We have this conversation in the lily garden circles

Yeah, yeah, but uh, I'd love to hear more of your entries. Do you have more entries for you? You're like begging for them. You're like fucking horny for them. I'll give them to you, I guess Freaking out. He wanted them so bad. Okay Did I uh It's me Bridget Jones from Bridget Jones' Diary Out which is going to be a script someday It was a typical hollywood afternoon walk down the street to the sounds of plastic surgeons breaking people's noses Popped in a shop for a bit of lunch and ordered me self a massive slimy bimey topped with stinky snappies

When all of a sudden in walks famous hollywood person billy ray syris Whoa, wow, I knew this is gonna be my moment So I tell him all about me diary movie and ask if you want to play me love interest because I know Everyone wants to empty dump tea is prickly pog Then how did nowhere he says he's gonna throw me out on me cheeky donka Something about all the pictures I drew on me iPad of him exposing his fruit basket to Miley Then it hit me Clearly this man was intimidated by me in my diary and scared. I was coming for all of his lockets filled with pictures of dead people in them

Is that how he keeps his riches? Then again, who wouldn't love bridge? Okay Interesting. What what's that face? So this whole movie is just you accosting Like f-list celebrities is it me making my movie like okay like think about all the movies about making movies The recent down to nabby movie Which is just insane That they're making a movie a talky in down to nabby and the butler starts writing the script

I didn't I didn't know any of this. This is my crazy. Yeah, make sure you don't uh have too much crossover with that I was wondering though Bridget. I do very big news out of the empire today. I don't know We may be covering that on a future show We could certainly not talk about it if you don't want to. Yeah, but are you are you uh gutted? For a very old one She was a young 96 I'm so sorry. I'm so here. Let's take your mind off this. Let's read another entry I know you're mad horny about it

Okay, here we go Okay, dear dear diarrhea. It's me Bridget Jones from Bridget Jones's diarrhea the movie to be It was a typical hollywood night called me an uber to the sounds of actors crying Snuck a bevy and ordered me self a happy baby with the sight of chimichanga When all of a sudden in walks the famous hollywood robot leo michelle I knew this was my moment So I tell her that there's some outlets over there so she can charge herself to 100 percent and get back to not reading When all of a sudden in walks ellen from ellen

I ask her if she wants to play me mom and me diary movie since I know everyone wants to dunk in donuts her guinea pigs And then out of nowhere she'd be saying she's gonna slice me noggy with a dvd the da vinci code because I looked at her in the eyeballs But then it hit me clearly this woman was intimidated by me and thinks that i'm coming for her princess diana beanie babies Then again who wouldn't love bridge Okay, so this is a lot happening in that one. Yeah, this is a double celeb side. That was a that was a big one Lea michelle and ellen lea michelle was like the misdirect. Yeah ellen comes in and cleans up Yeah, I see ellen. She she knew lea michelle was there their friends. Um, well bridgett. This is uh, I don't know if this Any of this makes a good movie, but

Here's what i'm thinking i'm thinking seven episodes Right to streaming And keep it as almost a reality show Yes, let's because i'm i want to see these interactions between these these let's call them marginally famous people Yeah, and and and bridgett jones and then and i want to see how they how they interact Yeah, all up and and down sunset boulevard. I feel like i'm open to it Like if you can get me mad meetings like i'm down for whatever like i don't want to be stuck here looking like scott

You know, I don't want to be like like a play a empty tupperware like always stinky Wait, I gotta write me another entry. You're writing one right now. I'm writing one right now. You're inspiring me scott All right. I'm like, oh gosh. It's just coming out of me. It's pouring out of me You want me read it? Oh, yeah while you're writing read as you're right. Please please dear diarrhea It's me bridget jones from comedy bang bang It was you can say that you're from well, she's well, she's here right now So I was on the one episode of the jimmy kimmel show. I wouldn't say scott auger from the jimmy kimmel show I wouldn't care to from my podcast comedy bang bang

It was a typical earwarp afternoon Dragged me self a massive bottle of water and then wrote me name on the table with a drying sharpie When all of a sudden in walk Not famous tiny angry baby men scott ockerman I knew this was gonna be my moment So I called me manager to tell him that if I die here today because scott kills me To give me ashes to tom cruise can so you can spread him over the mountains in his tiny plane But then it hit me clearly scott ockerman was intimidated by me and thinks i'm coming for his hentai

Hey now this hentai thing I don't know how this got started. What are you talking about? I don't know how this rumor got started that i'm into hentai. You love hentai I don't know. I saw all your likes on twitter like every single like hentai hentai hentai hentai And then once sure I accidentally just tweeted hentai gifts Because I was searching for it What I don't know bridge it I'm not I'm not I don't think this would make a good movie is my main Yes, I'm personally insulted by that last entry, but I just don't know that this are you not entertained

Like aren't you mad horny for like every entry like yes, but johnny you you want to be attached to this movie I don't want to be attached to it at all I don't want to be in the in the same room with it really But I would say that there is a place on on like a like a like not peacock, but like peacock minus Yeah, I see so like not yeah, see see so if you see so things say something. Yeah Like negative paramount. Yeah pegged of my pegged of Paramount minus madman. Did you ever ever call pegged pegged of pegged of accidentally pegged of that's what the money is for You're being pegged of

What a clip That kind of clip to me Is what clips are all about. Yeah, it's it's like A portion of the show instead of the whole show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah That's what clips are all about to me really gets to the heart of what clips should be Man if I was listening to a clip show and they just played the entire episode I'd say you got this is not this is not a clip show my man My brother in christ

Um, let's talk about a few things hentai is mentioned my this is uh Let's talk about why this started that started on tour right started on tour in North carolina is that where we were maybe? Um, where conor brine showed up. I just remember for all the tour. I remember we were in city I had to keep track of them because I would say absolutely Whatever city it is No, we were I believe we were in north carolina and tim balts was there

Lily's husband tim balts who people would know from the righteous gemstones You would also know lily from the righteous gemstone. She plays tim's sister. I believe that's right. Um, and He was there doing the one episode that he could get away from the righteous He was filming during at this time and north carolina was relatively close to where he was filming so he was able to drive in and He was there and I I said hentai as a reference Not knowing what it was and praying that because a lot of times when I throw out a reference I'm like, am I getting this right? Sure and 50 percent of the time. I'm not well

And I like those odds But I threw it out as and I forget what I was referencing but I was like sitting there going I hope this is like an anime porn thing And I from what I understand. It's also a tentacle porn thing. Is that right? That's what I understand it to be Is uh, and of course, I think we even got into this on the tour not maybe not on stage but backstage There was that um, there was a journalist who uh posted like a screen he posted a picture and you could see

His computer tabs and it was all one of them was like hentai And he's like, oh, yeah, I was uh Researching my my wife had never she'd never she didn't know what that was and I was showing her what it was So great, yeah And of course, there's the classic porn gifts Which is one of the best tweets of all time and and somebody said he never took it down. He never deleted it Hey, I wouldn't I respect that I wouldn't I wouldn't I'm proud to search for porn gifts

Well, so I mentioned it as a as a reference just hoping I was I was making a funny reference to something lily and tim capitalized on it and Uh, now lily cannot be on an episode where she doesn't mention my supposed hentai very true She also, uh I was eating a salad backstage and she got on stage and and talked about how I was eating something that looked like shit Yes, and it was and people are like, well, he must have been eating something disgusting. It was a salad She just she made all that up and said I was waiting people were questioning like what could he have been what could you have been eating? That was so disgusting that lily's making this weird character to say that no just eating a salad just eating a salad Let the man live let me be

I just want to leave my salad. Let him eat his goddamn salad. Paul. Here's a tease Fuck here's a tease for a future episode. Okay Now that episode that we just listened to that clip clip. There was a certain comedy bang bang fan listening to that episode at home That had a very particular reaction to it And we will be talking to them in the new year very particular. Liam Neeson. Yes. Yeah, he was taken He's like, okay, this is happening. Take it about the rapture, right? Yeah

His keys and shoes are there Don't need no shoes in heaven Boy, that's true. Yep. I like that. There are people in the rapture who people who believe in the rapture who are There's two different camps There are the people who think that all of your earthly possessions will stay but your body just leaves, right? So there's like a pile of clothes you leave a pile of clothes and you're watching everything and then there are people who are like, no, everything disappears Either is stupid Exactly

It should just be like no your dead body stays and your soul goes. Yes, of course Anyway, so what are they nude everyone's nude in heaven? I guess so although that sounds like heaven to me Well, that was that's exciting to hear that a tease for a future episode, isn't it? So all of you comedy bang bang detectives get out Get out your Magnifying glasses your podcast magnifying glasses one might say greeting greetings gum shoes. That's true. All right. We're gonna take a break paul Okay

Yep, and when we come back, we're gonna be still counting down these episodes. You believe we're still gonna be doing it We're gonna still be doing it. All right. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this Yay That's right the holiday season no matter how much we try to prepare for it the chaos always comes Oh my god, it's true, isn't it? I mean for some people they love the holiday season It's like oh boy. Oh boy the holidays are here. But for some of us there's just so much to do You know like going to the post office Sending out all the cards and gifts to your clients. Well, I'll tell you that at least can be taken care of because it is not too late

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Just go to stamps.com click that microphone at the top of the page Enter bang bang Do Hey, we're back coming back back back of 2022 That's true. That's a good point. Did that make you mad that I brought us back from the break? It did because that's my bailiwick Did you feel cucked? Well, also you were having sex with my wife while you did Uh, welcome back scott augerman here. We're here with paul f tompkins and uh, we're counting down your choices for the top

17 this year and we're happy to do it. We're happy. I mean, I'm happy to do it. I'm happy to do it Paul's a little annoyed. We're doing 17. No, I was joking. He was joking. He loves it. I was joking. I love it But why don't we get to uh, you know what comes after 17 right 18? Yeah, but instead we're gonna go the other way. What? We started at 17 and went all the way up to 52 and never got to the best episodes um, all right, let's uh Do it. This is your choice for episode 16 All right episode 16

paul last uh number 17. We had 774 So we're we're in the latter part of the 700s So this is episode 707 d Okay, so this is before four weeks before and That last one you said was september 12th So this is subtract four from that. So september 8th Good math

Now this is august 15 of 2022 the eyes of august the eyes of august. We were on tour while this was uh released We were out there entertaining america. So we must have taped it before august anything could have happened like we weren't here To monitor the situation. That's true. And this is what happened. Yeah, it's a good episode. It's like we shouldn't be here more often We shouldn't be here It checks out. I'd love to meet you here less often Come here never What were you gonna say about gremlins, uh I don't know but I was gonna say something you were gonna say something

The idea that we were that the the episode was we were away from the episode so anything could have happened Yes, the gremlins like when the gremlins went nuts. Oh my god. That was the thing about gremlins though I noticed in those two movies. They didn't give a shit if people were around or not They were just really gremlins gonna be gremlins. They weren't they worried that they would be hunted to extinction I know you would think so and they were in both movies They died in both movies. I don't remember gremlins too. I saw it, but I don't remember it. It is a good Subplot. I think it's in grem. We we just watched it for my sister show scott s and c which I listened And it's just a crazy movie. It's crazy. It's good though. I it is a good subplot of like

Hey, all of the bad gremlins come from this really nice one gizmo. We need to execute gizmo It's a good subplot All right, this is uh episode 770 and the title of this paul is called she garbage people Oh, this is vaguely I mean I recognize that title. I could not tell you What happened and I'm pretty sure I was there. I believe you were there. Who do you think? Was the based on the title who do you think the celebrity was who was in this? I think it was tatiana massliny it truly was that's right the she hulk herself

Tatiana mislany She is in this episode. This is another studio episode two studio episodes are The celebrities were back indeed. That's right. Tatiana is another friend of ours She graduated from fan to friend She was promoted She she used to be a fan of the show. She used to when she was filming orphan black she used to Listen to the show while biking to and from sets. She and christian brune her co-star on orphan black they both bonded over their enjoyment of the show and

Then she I forget how oh, yeah, that's right. She she reached out Because I knew her publicist and wanted to come to a live show when she was uh at comic con for orphan black And so she really met her that's where the first time right? Yes. I don't know if you were there though I met her at comic con at a comic con event. Okay, you know what? It was you were not in that show though. I was not Are you sure? I it was derrick waters taran and jw still water. Yes. I was there. You were there. Yes. I was Holy shit. Oh, you were really late You were coming from another show. Oh coming from another show coming from another show. Okay. Yeah, you were super late And by the way, who uh, you know who opened for that show aquafina

Doing her rap What doing her raps for your show for how many bang bang? Yeah, when did you what? Yes? This is this is I mean quite a few years ago. This is seven years ago eight years ago It was aquafina wait. Do you mean nor from queens? Yes, nor um, I Yes, that show I think I was doing a thrilling adventure hour show Ah, and I was coming from that. That's right. Okay. So derrick and taran were coming from the dinner That's right. And they were kind of late and they were they were texting me kind of going like hey

We're late. We're trying to leave. We're trying to leave. Anyway, so that uh, but in any case Wait, I think I got there before them. Yeah So not only was I there. I was also on time You're always there though Always on time I Didn't shanti have a song about punctuality. What if you didn't know who shanti was and you thought it was just like my catchphrase Like my shazam

Are you turn into a creature shanti is just as stupid as shazam the name All names are stupid. Yes. All names are stupid Okay, so in any way, uh in any way, um, Tatiana Tatiana and christian came to the comedy bang bang live show in san diego Dressed as ninja turtles. Yes, um thinking they had to be disguised Otherwise they would be mobbed by fans They were told by they were told because when they would walk around comic con. Yes, they were mobbed by fans But this was a show that was approximately four or five miles away from this off site off site

And uh, no one cared that they were ninja turtles, but we have very funny pictures of them If anything people I think avoided them like the play. Yes, we have very funny pictures of them dressed as ninja turtles posing in ninja turtle poses backstage in an alley when we met them but so that was where we met and They've both have done the show over the years and they're great people great friends. They're absolutely lovely people I have a picture from that. I have a picture on my on my office wall of Of of me with them when we met for the first time and it makes me very happy when I see it Yeah, I you know you should we should as humans take more pictures of when we meet someone for the first time

Because they could be our great friends could be your greatest enemy and what a picture to have Like see this guy. I hate him. This reminds me. I meant to bring this up earlier You were singing how bizarre how bizarre how bizarre by omc and I was like man Whatever happened omc or kestrel maneuvers in the car But Shouldn't I was like damn it sucks that they were a one hit wonder I think all one hit wonders one hit wonder songs should be done by one band The same band

Okay, what? You know, it's so but it's so bad that like these these poor bands. They only get to have one hit Yeah, let's make all the one hit wonder songs done by one band. So they have a lot of hits So Is this is this new band? Are they covering all of these songs? They're not covering. They just they write them all Okay, and then Various people record them. No, they record them so that they get to have all these hits instead of these poor bands It only gets so this is you're saying going forward. Yes. This is what we should do

This is what we should do is anoint a band to be our one hit to have nothing but hits. Yes This is a great idea I mean, I look this band doesn't even exist yet. I'm a huge fan. No, they have so many hit after hit after hit They it's undeniable. They're great. They're so good. They have a lot of one hit wonders. Yeah, okay, so If so many one hit wonders aren't there I feel like there's concerts right where they get all those bands together Yeah, like one hit wonder bands and they all do their they get to do their shit. I think I like that Yeah, I like it. I've been to a few of those and I like I enjoy them. Okay, so Tatiana is here and I mean like Elmo and Patsy should be there

Yeah, Elmo from Sesame Street and Patsy Klein Crazy Elmo go crazy Okay, so Tatiana is here It sounds like Jack the Ripper. He's crazy. He's going walking after him. Wait, what was going on with Patsy Klein? Patsy Klein was she she was Jack the Ripper. She was giving us clues. Oh, mr. Beliezman She gave us all the clues hit her songs Patsy Klein was Jack the Ripper

This makes sense. Yep. So Tatiana, um, she She's done two episodes. I believe since she was announced as she Hulk She did one to this was the one where it was coming out this week and she did one earlier just for fun Um, where we talked about oh, you were just cast as she Hulk and each time she is on the show We are just doing dumb bits like you've heard Paul and I doing and we We say fake things that are going to happen on she Hulk this season And it always makes news People take it seriously

So the episode before this she uh mentioned that that she was going to be singing in the show It's not easy being green by kermit the frog as well as fever Fever makes me laugh so much. It's so out of nowhere and it made a headline comic book uh And nerd culture headlines it made nerd headlines That she hulk was going to be a musical with these two songs in it And people believed it until the entire season was up and she never did it And people were like, where were those songs? No people believed it all the way even after she said it was just a fucking joke

Yes, come on guys So I think that happened on this one as well She said some fake things and people believed it. I don't know but um The other thing about this episode is that uh, there's a certain person that paul f. Sompkins plays Named obi ron kenobi. Tell us about obi ron kenobi obi ron kenobi was a I can't remember if I just had a name in my phone That made me laugh Is a friend of yours that was in your phone. No, no, no, I will I I like keep a note in my notes app of character names

That if I think of a name and it makes me laugh. I write it down um And I think I just wanted to do something new and I didn't want to have anything prepared And I thought that was as good as any jumping off point to have that very specific name Um, and then not know anything about star wars and where did you do obi ron? For the first time it must have been on this episode on that episode. This is okay. So Had you done him yet on the tour? No because you were waiting for this to drop And I think I even said in this episode

I'll I'll join you on the tour. All right. I'll be there at the end. Yeah. Oh, I'll be there That's right at the end when we plug things I mentioned we were on tour and you're like, oh, I'll be there I'm trying to do obi ron kenobi. It's pretty good. Um, so obi ron is anything you want to say about him Or we're just gonna hear the clip It was I really did not put a ton of preparation into this On purpose. I wanted to just see where it went and Um, and we found it in the moment. Yeah, a lot of his characteristics that have become classic

Exactly, but it was really. Yeah, it was really it was really fun. I um, well, let's listen to it Let's listen to it. Let's hear it. This is your choice for episode number 16 Number one Uh, this is all I know about him. He's an american citizen citizen Oh Please welcome obi ron kenobi. Hey there scott. Thanks for having me. Hey, great to meet you. Uh, yeah, this is tatsyana It's nice to be your hi there. She's playing. Um, how are you doing? She Hulk in the MCU Okay, if you say so and not uh, not mc. That's not a rapper like mc hammer. It's uh, the marvel cinematic universe

Oh, it's like movies movies. Yeah Okay, good. Well television shows as well. She's in a television show the cinema. Does tv count as cinema? I mean, it's an it's a brand extension. Yeah, i'm not real up on pop culture. Oh, really? Why is that? I don't know. Your name is obi ron kenobi. Yeah Oh, I get it star wars, right Oh, yeah, yeah, people bring that up a lot. I've never seen them. Oh, so you didn't name yourself after this is in a No, my name is obi ron kenobi. It's not a stage name. I'm not a stage actor Were your parents in

Into star wars or I don't think so Okay, we never talked about it around the house Really, do they have a poster up or anything like that? No, I mean, they were parents So we don't have a lot of posters hanging up. I mean, I had parents aren't allowed to have posters No, parents are but I don't think parents a lot of parents once you have a baby all the posters come down Well, you know, when you become a man, you put away childish things. Oh, okay, say paul Um, but uh, yeah, they they had like framed artwork and stuff, you know what I mean? Oh, like what like prints or like actual they didn't have any pictures of prints

No, I guess what I mean is to say is did they have the originals for today? Well, I mean, they were like no They didn't have like, you know, like matisse's or anything like that. No, they had that art that they liked that they would put up Some prints. Yeah, sure. Okay, great. Yeah, when I was a kid I didn't have a lot of posters because he was a kid. I wasn't really into uh Into pop culture. What are you into if you're not into pop culture unpop culture? What does that mean unpopular culture? I mean, well, I don't I mean, okay I don't seek out things that are not popular. Okay, make them things that I've been to but I've been to like nature And I've been to like I was supposed to nurture this

Okay I've been to like nature as I said And then also like the sun of sun sometimes the mood Sometimes like half the day Yeah, when it's out When it's when it's not out stuff like that. Well, I'm less interested when it's not out. It's true I don't look for it. So wait nature the sun And the moon are your three primary interests? I mean mostly that's a bet rocks rocks. Oh, but you know, uh

Tatiana over here had a rock o'clock Alarm clock what it was like a alarm clock shaped like a rock. That's so cool It was Dwayne Dwayne the rock Johnson. Are you familiar with him with his work? No, it's Steve friend of yours He is not but I would love him to be have you ever seen get smart Is that a movie? Uh, it's not only a movie but a movie based upon a television show. Oh, I haven't seen either You haven't seen either. No. Do you know who Don Adams is? No, there would probably be no reason for you to know who he was without knowing get smart Trying to remember any other Don Adams role

But uh, the rock was uh, he was he was in the the movie adaptation Okay, along with Steve Carell from the office What an American workplace. I don't know. Okay. I'm gonna say one more time And I'm not mad at you because I've run I've run into this a lot. Okay I'm not real big of pop culture. Okay. You like you like nature. I like nature the sun the moon rocks worms Worms really okay coming up at number five worms. I mean, these are not in order Oh, oh really what so what if you were to put those five in order? What would the what would the ranking be?

Probably nature number one Sure, then number two the sun. Okay number three The mood I'd have to say right before Um rocks number five where I guess it is it is the exact order. Yeah, I guess it is the exact order Why are worms so low? I mean, they're the only uh living thing out of the things you've I mean Although nature I guess there's so but I mean, I should I should fold worms into rocks Yeah, you're right and probably the sun and the moon Yeah, I guess but I I don't know I consider those because they're in the sky. They're different true

But I don't consider birds different the nature and they're in the sky there in the sky as well Yeah, maybe they're not as high in the sky. Maybe uh as long as it's it's not past How about this here's the because here's the thing I'm not that interested in space Okay, I am interested like stars. Who cares? I am interested in the wars they're in Oh, right. Yeah, Star Wars. Yes. Yeah, Obi-Wan Kenobi is who we're talking to. Yes. My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi Um, and you can go be rod Rod rod for short, but but your name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah, and you want me to call you rod rod Ron yeah, oh, sorry. Sorry. Do you have a cold? Yeah always

Why do you like nature so much because you spend too much time out in nature? It might be and I'd never wear a jacket. Okay Do you camp without it? Are you like a wim Hof kind of dude? Oh, what? Is wim Hof part of pop culture? Is that from star wars? It sounds like it It doesn't how do you know first of all because people Believe me. I get grilled about the whole star wars universe and I don't even know what it's about star wars Here's what here's what I've survived. Yeah from just like absorbing. You know what people have said It's like an alternate future where the russians have already space race No, it's the past a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, but there's

It's space right spaceships. Yeah, but uh, they're pretty new But human history didn't begin here on earth is what they're trying to say. It's uh, no it did Oh So wait, what they're trying to say that Human history started in the past in spaceship world. They're not all human. Well, that's the thing is is like we don't even know like Some of them who look human are like alderanian. I guess Tatooinean or some of them are like aliens that play like clarinets and stuff like that. Yeah, you know, have you heard of jizz music? Hey, man

It's what George I blame George Lucas. I'm not here for this. I blame it for a lot of things. Believe me I'm not here for this kind of talk. When were you when were you born? Do you mind me asking? I was born in 1972 And okay, so that's five years before star wars was a thing Okay, so A year in the expert did your parents not allow you to watch tv? No, they begged me to why Because you're always out in nature. I was always outside getting dirty

Yeah, I always I never wore shoes never wore a jacket barely wore a shirt What do you mean by barely like you are you were wearing it? Oh, yeah Like my parents would put a polo shirt on me and then I get out there like I just want to feel in nature And I would take it off Polo shirts were popular back then they sure were I remember them being popular in 82 or so Do you know how I like about a polo shirt is the color is very soft The color is very soft collar collar. Oh, yeah. Yeah, although sometimes they're made of muted colors as well

That's true. So we're both right. You seem like a really interesting guy ron if I hey, thank you If I can call you ron literally no one has ever said that to me What what are you here for? I mean, it's I have an important message. Oh, okay. Uh, should we should we tease that? We'll do it after the the break Tatiana. You're a television extra. I don't know if it's gonna. I don't know if we should No, oh really? Yeah, we should get it out right now. Okay. All right. All right. All right Okay, so I've established that I love nature You have a step yeah heavily heavily established and so the price is right at the end of the price is right The host of the price is right says this is something I've been told and I it made me angry

I just learned this today and I was like book me on a podcast because I gotta tell people He goes and he apparently says at the end of every episode he goes Um, first of all, I would think he would say what the price is Because that's the big mystery at the end of the show. They've said that right before just previous to this Okay, all right. Yeah, this is a little sign-off. I guess. Yeah, and he goes spay and neuter your pets. Yeah. Yeah, and here's what I want to say Only neuter your pets because then you don't have to spay the rest of them I guess that's a good Point although why are we spaying these animals if we just neuter the ones that need to be neutered

Then the spayed ones can go about their business. Here's I would I would differ with you in one respect Let's spay them all because that takes care of the problem right there Like if you don't spay some then the ones who are unneutered are going to get in there I don't think that's fair because I think I think the first sterilization of all the females is what I'm trying to say Yeah, I know what you're trying to say. I'm saying the opposite That's what you're all about. That's what this show has been about for the past 13 We're coincidence that I came on to talk about this And you've been saying the exact opposite thing

I mean I would say that's the issue is is that we're not going to get to all the dogs that we need to neuter So let's spay them. We have to is the message. Okay. We have to And it's not just the dogs. There's also cats kitty pigs parrots You got it. You got a neuter everything That is in nature that is a male

chop them off Get them out of there, but you're in nature Ron Ron or rod rod run. It's never rod It sounds like rod, but it is Ron. Okay, but that's I understand because of my voice right. Yeah So local affect. Do you want someone to come and do that to you? No, Ron You're this is you're putting this on top of it. You're part of nature. Are you not are you part of nature? Yes, fit off with your balls You fell into my trap. Is it the ball? I always thought it was the penis. No

It's so it's so you can't get anything pregnant. Right, right, but you still have foot But shouldn't you just shouldn't you take care of the penis as well while you're down there? Always take care of it You gotta clean it. It's usually the opposite. It's like while you're down there take care of the ball If you got a four skid. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh man. That's a lot of work Okay, so I shouldn't have waited for the uh for the break for that. Nope I think we made the right call. Okay. All right number one six

There it was Told you he loves nature told you told told you we would play it. Yeah, it was really um, uh, you know to to to get to be in a place of I'm gonna take what comes and you know Why What is that? That's a very specific dick. I know and it's very strange I know we've talked about it on freedom

But anytime you hear a place you go to load. Well, it started as I was in a bad place and then you go Okay Which is a shitty little town in california if people don't know central california made famous by credence clear water revival Oh, what did they say about it? They they're stuck in low die again. Oh, okay. Oh lord Stuck in low die again Can't tell if this is a joke or it is not a joke. It is the lyrics. Okay. I did not know that I did not know that. Um, I believe there's a prison up there

Wouldn't be surprised. Well, that's lompoc lompoc is the uh, but it's over by there lompoc Of course, I remember from the movie out of sight. That's right Very sexy movie. Oh, it'll be stuck in a trunk with jaylo and that big ass. Oh that trunk two trunks two trunks That's what they were gonna call the movie You like oceans eight this is two trunks Ocean day river we saw on the bus That's right on tour. I forgot We had to we were uh, we we bought what we thought were train tickets turned out to be a bus

To be fair, they were mostly train tickets and then they turned into bus tickets at one point and the train was like a Transformer and it turned into a bus. Yeah, what is terrible transform? It was sentient and it talked to us the whole way about optimus prime his whole the most boring stories about optimus prime Like can we at some point we have to re-litigate the transformers now stupid that was it's so dumb. It's so dumb It's so you know, I I as a as a screenwriter since the 90s Occasionally my agent will bring me projects and say hey, they're interested in making a transformers movie and this happened to me in 2002 maybe this is no matter what the project is. That's how he puts it

Anyway, here's get smart I did I did pitch on that I I did pitch on that But I remember they they brought they said hey, are you interested in pitching on transformers movie? I said well, it's so stupid. It would have to be a comedy, right? and Instead they made the most deadly serious version possible and made a ton of money life or death stakes huge explosions So great and anytime the lore comes in of like I am optimus prime. It's the all spark It's so funny to me because it's so dumb. I could turn into a truck

Vroom vroom My people are a truck like people Well, that was obi ronkin obi later by the way on the episode katelin reilly came on that was her first episode She was very funny. Uh, we're gonna take a break paul. I think we should and when we come back We're still gonna be counting this down if you can believe it Somehow I can yep. All right. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang Somehow counting down feels inevitable in a place like this Nicole kid man. Nicole kid man. Oh kid man. We're back. Yep. We are back. We you know, my wife, janey and I we watch

Uh, all the country award Don't try to push it off with somebody else. Yeah, this is like it follows We we watch all the country award shows because my wife is a country music And but I I I enjoy watching these shows But it is like it's like a weird little tv show unto itself where there's artists that I only know from country award shows That's the only place I see them and hear their music. Well, it's a lot like watching the challenge um on the one chip on peremount plus Where it's like what's the challenge the challenge is well, it started as the real real world road rules challenge

This is after 40 years. They were like nobody can say this By the way, the real world I didn't mention this on the episode we did about don't tell mom the babysitter's dead but that was the Title of the movie originally and the title that the screenwriter really wanted was the real world and unfortunately for him The mtv show came out And they couldn't and what a bad title It was a bad title and he was so bummed that they changed it to don't tell mom the babysitter's dead

Let me tell you this. I don't think don't tell mom the babysitter's dead is a great title, but it's definitely catchy Yes, you're definitely your head. What what? I'm not supposed to what wait. What did you say? Why don't tell who the what's dead? Don't what the who the how don't how the win? So it's a good title. It's a good title Um, why were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So it was the real world road rules challenge It was originally that and then it got turned into the challenge all stars also all this kind of stuff They just did a version of it where it took stars from your favorite cbs reality shows

big brother survivor The price is right Let's make a deal But it's like celebrities that you only see on Those shows it's very funny and you like I know who they are because but you never see them anywhere else But is kin Jennings the most famous game show contestant has anyone else become not Charles van doran. Yeah Um, but I mean nobody else there's has to be someone who was on a game show because nobody else then became famous

You can't get out for being on a game, right? But you can't get a run going on any other game show like you wheel of fortune You're not going to be on for multiple episodes. You can only be on one. Yeah I guess the price is right. You can only be on one. Yeah. I would love to see a price Like somebody has a run on prices, right? Or they're like, you know what we're gonna bring you back We're gonna bring you back tomorrow who wants to be a millionaire. They made that miniseries starting the succession guy with his actual accent The husband of one of uh, uh, uh, oh tom wams gans. Yes, um, matthew mcfadion. Yeah, yes, he's great He's great. He's always great. I mean, this is all original

And so now anytime I watch succession, I'm like, I heard you speak for real I was not cheating a millionaire Um, why did you mention the country music awards? Because of keith urban and nicole kitman Yes, they're all of them. They're in the front row. They know the words to every single song They love it and we we always remember at some point. Oh, yeah, they're australian both of them. Yeah It's weird that they're there. So when they sing country music the country of australia That's the cut that's the when you sing country music, you have to picture your country

You have to visualize your country and for them it is australia. Yeah, they picture the movie australia, which she was in Yes, she was. Okay, good a bas lerman movie bas lerman movie. She was in and someone else must have been in it Or was it just her jackman both australians the huge jack man like gigantic australian stars I saw he got a golden globe nomination and I was sitting there going for what? I I just saw his name for best actor. I was like for what? Yeah, he's been doing Broadway. Yeah, what could he have possibly been in? I don't know We don't know. I thought they weren't doing the golden globes anymore. They should

I honestly thought they went away It they did for a year and then they came back this year under a provisional basis and the the funny thing is is No celebrity could comment on you know how you always reach out to the publicist of like, are you excited to get the award? Yeah, no, uh dead silence. No one felt like they could comment on being excited Wow for the golden globes It's very funny because then it's like and are you aware that they were corrupt before and you were participating in that system? So I wonder if anyone even goes to oh my god, what's ricky gervais going to say?

I don't think I who's hosting it. I can't recall but uh, I hope it's somebody who speaks truth to power Yeah, did you hear by the way that the uh, the balance of power in the dc universe has shifted What? Who's in charge now? Is it dark seed or dark side Dark side because I think that is the pun is the dark side bad. Yeah bad bad work guys. Yep. Jack Kirby blame him jerby Jack Kirby your enthusiasm for that name

Jack Kirby your enthusiasm There's a show Um, all right, let's get to it. We're counting down your uh, this this episode We're doing 17 three 13 Let's get to this is your choice for episode 15 All right episode 15

This is episode seven hundred and eighty five. So we're still in the latter Part of the seven hundred. Yeah, we still are and I'm gonna put this one. This is this takes place in november It does november 21st of 2022 and in fact Is the final episode that is eligible for the countdown It made it onto the countdown nice work And this is an episode called buzz year headlines Buzz year headlines title does not ring a bell

Paul you are not in this one. Maybe that's why that's probably why. Um, I will tell you that uh, Jason manzukas our friend from the league And how did this get made? Still from the league. He'll never not be from the league from the dictator from the dictator from infinite on paramount plus and uh fucking Prodigy start trick prodigy. Yeah, he's great on prodigy. Yeah. Um, he's also I believe the mueson x not bubble or something. Yes. He is. Yeah um Our good friends, uh, he's on the show quite often

He uh, this was his First of two episodes back in the studio in the same week. I believe we taped this episode And then uh, we got a call that something happened in the news And so he came back the following week and did another episode but Jason, uh, if you know Jason and he talks about this, I believe on how did this get made he when the pandemic started he was the um The person I had I had built up a backlog of I think five or six comedy bang bang episodes I was really ahead at that point. I was like and then everything got shut down

And I was on a zoom with him um the first week of the pandemic And I said so I have five or six episodes. Like I should be good. This will be done, right? And he goes. Oh, no This is gonna be two years And I was like what that can't be positive. He goes. Oh, no. Yeah, we're gonna be in our houses for two years prosecute slash mensukas And uh, so it actually Set my expectations accordingly where I was like, oh, he might be right and and we we did weekly

Zooms over the pandemic Uh, and then we we'd get together in our backyard with him When it was safe to be with people just outside and so Good good friend and he's been on the show ever since the beginning This is the point he had just on tour Uh, with how did this get made he he was stepping out and taking a chance and going on tour with them three days into it He caught COVID and cancelled the tour

Uh So this was the week or so after he had recuperated from COVID and he was like felt safe going into studios So he did two episodes with us Within a week's time And this one came out second, but it was the first one that we did And uh, so he is there and then um We have uh, Seth Morris comes and uh, this was by request from jason Um does his character of bob duke

by request You can request characters. I don't know if you know that jason never requested a name like anyone can by the way Any fan can just request a character and we'll do it What yeah, including me including you including just anyone who listens to the show It happened to be jason this episode. It happened to be jadekiss. I thought you were gonna happen to be jadekiss jadekiss if you're out there, please release an album called hey scott. It's me jadekiss. Listen I By the power of a shanti

What is it? You know how she's am stay? Hey achilles s Solomon h hercules Hercules a a atlas and Nero Yeah Neptune Neptune tea tea the the grinch

The power of the grinch Grumpy this I mean he was pretty strong. He was pretty dog was strong But I mean he he was the planner. He was the planner. He's very shrewd and then of course I Isis ices almighty ices not not the goddess ices the organization Again, I want I want to reiterate this because um it people need to know It's not how the grinch stole christmas

That's not the interesting part. No, we don't care the interesting part is why why do you do this motivation? How he stole stuff. Yeah easy. He broke into people's homes easy and he took things. That's that's not why Yes, and when that's the other interesting part and when christmas christmas. Yeah Christmas eve, right? Yeah, I the the grinch cartoon Starts with the grinch crossing xing off days in the calendar. Yeah, and he does the entire year All nine months or all 12 11 and a half months until finally, uh, I'm confused on how many months are sure are All I'm saying I'm saying nine months because that's been on the brain for me of course because of baby No, because I love that movie

What's the how are you thinking Hugh grants Hugh grants and julian more and he was promoting that on the tonight show When he got that Hugh Grant famous lover of blowjobs and uh, hey if if he's guilty, then so are we all But um, uh, and robin williams was a doctor who kept fainting. I don't know. I've never seen it I've just seen the commercial. That's all I remember. Oh happens. Yeah, that's pretty good. Um I've never seen that movie. I just I never will I just saw it two years ago Um, okay, so jason requested that our good friend seth morris has done this character bob duka ever since the beginning Long running character long running character. I happen to see him do this on stage 14 years or so ago and um seth is a brilliant

comedian um who with an incredible mind and when I say What I love about his mind is he has he has life experience and references Which are not what comedians are normally interested in in things that comedians don't pull from He has done a lot of stuff like burning man and and healing and all sorts of things He has a lot of varied interests and so he's gotten an incredible mind And bob duka is is one of his greatest creations and um, so this is his return He hadn't I don't think he'd done an episode for three years. Maybe wow since the 10th anniversary as bob duka So this was his return. Uh, let's hear it. This is your choice for episode 15

Um, well jason, it's good to see you. I uh, of course, uh, uh, love having you here and uh, it's uh Always a pleasure to have you and uh, I really want you to be more excited to spend the rest of the night I'm sorry, uh, excuse me. We're doing a show. Oh, wow. I need your help. Sorry. We're doing a show whoever this is We know this person Yeah, who are you sir step out of the shadows Why are you why are you also? Why are the shadows shadow right now? Why are the studios lit like a a noir movie? Yeah, why what is happening right now? Are you the Phantom of the Opera sir? I can only see half of your face the Phantom of the scott. It's me bob

Bob who bob scott. It's bob. Oh bob. Do bob duka. How dare you young man get over my knee right this Oh do it scott. All right, here we go This is the this is the maybe the only time i've seen scott jump to yes and any initiation from anyone ever And do so with a degree of enthusiasm that was frankly terrifying I am having a horrible horrible day. I came in here for just a little bit of respite The last thing I expected was for my dear dear very close x-step son to not recognize me. I'm so sorry bob I I just didn't expect to see you. We're doing we're in the middle of a show. Do you know jason benzuka? Yes, we've met before uh here in in in these studios. Yeah, I don't recall that's okay

for those of you who do not recall who bob duka is you're Uh a gentleman that was married to my mother for how long nine months six glorious months six glorious months back in the It doesn't matter 90s It was a long time it was like yesterday to me. No, what are you and I remain very very close We continue. I mean as the all father son relationships are they're difficult. Are they not they're difficult. They're tough. Yes I have a big craggly shadow that you live under and and you and I as a stepchild is always difficult to to be friend and I will never stop trying. That's my promise to you though. I am still Angry that you didn't remember me. Uh, well, it's not that I didn't remember you because I didn't know you were coming

I just uh, I could not see you Uh, and I to be honest, I haven't put those two together for me. You don't remember me because you didn't know I was coming Well, you also what's interesting is you didn't seem and I understand because yes the doorway to the studio is Shrouded in deep shadow saving on electricity or something. I don't know What's going on in here? I didn't know that you recorded an old-timey vaudeville theater I tripped over so many sandbags There's so many dusty velour curtains that I had to push through to get here But what's strange to me is you didn't seem to recognize his very iconic voice. Uh, well

Yeah, that's what I that's what I keep. I was like, oh, I know who this is. I have voice blindness. I'm sorry Oh, yeah, I've never mentioned that Oliver Saxe ears But Scott, yes, I just need a few minutes to Collect myself and compose myself and receive some sucor after the difficult very difficult day that I've had Okay, fine. I'll tell you As you may or may not know I've been on a wedding rice diet for a few weeks What what is a wedding? I drink I eat only eat dry rice that I find outside of churches I have to bat away birds. It's very well

well-earned cheap Get a lot of upper arm. Do you only I'm assuming you mostly can only eat on the weekends, right? It's not a lot of weekday weddings. I guess you could save up if if they had a big rice budget for the wedding You can I have cargo pants with rice pockets. Do you do you pick up each grain individually or do you have like a dust bus? Do you have a scoop? I just get down there. So you don't save any. Look how wide my tongue is. Oh my god, Christ. It's like so it's like You know, like you've been exercising it clearly, you know, yeah

It's also like that tongue emoji where it's like my tongue. Yeah, my tongue looks like like a uh, like the Like a display a first saltwater taffy machine, but it's not actually saltwater taffy Yeah, it's jacked right too. It's like oh, yeah, it's muscular. Oh, yeah Jacked tongue. Yeah, how do you work that out? I mean, obviously doing your church exercises, but Did you did you model for that emoji by the way? Because that that's almost identical. Oh, I I did I never got paid for that there. I don't do people model for those. Oh, yes How many emojis have you modeled for seven seven? Which one? Well, I'll just have to show you the while the one with the um

Both the thinking one. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we're the we'll check this out. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. What about that one with the monocle? Mm-hmm the one that's barfing, you know what and that wasn't doing it right and the guy poked me in the eye. Oh gosh The barf emoji obviously the barf emoji. Yeah Uh The skiing emoji. Oh, oh, I love that one. Yeah, I use that one all the time so helpful They should they should break emojis down into like these are the ones that people use and these are the ones that are like Oh, yeah, you're never gonna use ever again unless you are actually talking about skiing I feel like a lot of weirdos would find each other that way

If you could find which part of the country different people used emojis You should invent this app bob. What's an app? Oh, yeah, never mind. Anyway back to my bad day So I was on this dry rice diet Not thinking I accidentally drank a lot of water and my stomach almost exploded. Oh gosh All the moisture went right to that dry dry rice I got very very ill and

Was homebound for several days and then I went to treat myself to a car wash chair massage and got stuck So so everyone thought that you were trying to just hog the chair is that what was right? So they beat me with steering wheel cover. Oh, no Yes, you couldn't explain and then they made a game of it. Oh, wow. I was defending myself And then it became a ring and then they started it became a ring toss So you stuck your hands out to defend yourself and then they started me I started having fun I mean, I it was you know when you're tickled too much and you want it to stop at your your body's laughing So people think how often does that happen to you as an adult?

Can we talk about something else? I I mean do you want to ditch the original topic or something from like deep childhood never mind like I know a fence Bob, but you're an older man. Is that there are people tickling you to the point where Let's just say this Let's just say this. I'm very well known in the adult tickling community Not as a participant necessarily, but not as a really participant anymore at first it sounds like sure I'll make a couple lecture bucks get some free food I like crudité. I want to go to

Oman just like anybody else But then it just keeps going and going and it doesn't stop Soon anyway need you to say I've had a very very tough day and I just came here to relax What what about you though, Bob? What has been going on with you? Thank you for asking you're becoming a better step next step son Well to earn a few extra shekels. I've been Got hired to create buzzfeed headlines married. Yes The following are buzzfeed headlines that I have submitted

To Jonah Peretti Yeah, I believe he's still there Chelsea's brother 22 things that frequent travelers use while traveling so maybe you should too 36 ingenious products that I consider an absolute win And I may or may not have made a few of these home travel and cleaning discoveries while on tiktok People are talking about the racist things that parrots have said to or in front of them and honestly, I can't even right now I'll tell you your soulmates first initial but you have to design your own cafe first I'll be honest some of these I stole and I'm just going to resubmit their their actual

You stole them from buzzfeed itself. Oh, okay I don't know that they'll they have they generate like 2000 lists a day. Maybe someone's asleep at the switch. Yeah 31 hilarious tweets by women with thumbs that made me laugh so hard. I needed my inhaler 28 office products that are practical, but also the cutest thing you've ever seen Let's play a game of smash or pass with these county fair ride operators 13 exercise bikes that may make you cancel your gym membership asap Because you'll be too injured for physical activity. These are unsafe products Choose the cutest animal and I'll tell you what chocolate candy you are

Trapper keeper versus sharpie pens vote in the buzzfeed school supply showdown Mod apatow got real about how it really feels to be labeled a nepotism, baby That's a list. That's a headline. Okay. It's a headline then they they have to then they have to write the article You're not picked. Yeah, you haven't written. They're gonna try to sell out. I'm not a journalist I'm not a journalist. I just submit the headlines if they buy a headline. They're then forced to write the article Okay, interesting process And do you get paid per word or per headline per headline? Okay, so if they buy this mod apatow one, they're locked into They have to contact her locked in

And they have to get a quote from her mom These dating tips from an in-cell subreddit are legit pretty good Eat nothing but mac and cheese for 24 hours and I'll guess your favorite season You can't do it without that. Well, this is for them to decide. Yeah, personally I find all 26 of these movies super comforting, but I'm curious to know how many you've seen I'm genuinely interested to see if you agree with these extremely controversial takes on whether January 6th was a riot or an uprising Tell us which relative you accidentally sexed and we'll tell you what stranger thinks character you are We're not quite sure why you don't own these 31 genius beauty

products yet Actually, we get it You're bad, right? You did something bad What'd you do? What did you do? 11 tiktok famous products with no joke 100 000 plus five star reviews I want to know which lunchable you are

See now that article it seems like it's hard to write because that's just like I demand to know But how do you have an article demand is not the first letter that I write It should be I was gonna say is there and I'll put it in ransom font Man you keep tapping has come so far. Yeah, you have to ransom font is you you cut a bunch of different Letters from newspapers and you put it on your typewriter keys Oh, okay. I see got it out of curiosity. Do you have a headline that establishes? What you are Huh, we what was the one you just read? I want to know which lunchable you are

Yeah, do you have a headline that tells you tells you which lunchable you are the opposite way is the way to write the article This is a quiz is you just want to know which lunchable you are No, is that that article I'm not saying that this was directly taken from buzzfeed But I'm also not saying that it's not not okay And is that for you bob duke or that's just again for whoever writes to ascertain Huh, okay We need a bob duke a soundboard that just goes I know I'm just a stranger, but I'm about to tell you how toxic your relationship actually is

If you were a famous celebrity who'd been convicted of manslaughter, which one would you be? convicted 17 times movies had hidden messages telling william harward Can I start over yeah, we can go again you count me in yeah three two Oh, you don't say the one I did. No, I just pointed you yeah three two seven to me You're pointing me right i'm pointing right at you directly at you go okay three two. Hey watch out that thing's got a nail in it Okay, 17 times movies. He didn't count it down Three two 17 times movies. Oh, sorry. I thought you were pointing at me. This isn't math right 17 times movies equals

Okay, three two 17 times movies had hidden messages telling william harward bow sharp of happening minnesota to kill the president Worth it If you come up with a menu for your personal chef to follow then we can determine which color you should dye your hair I know this is a bold statement, but these 53 things from target can actually cure pediatric bone cancer So how many of these classic novels have you actually read? Probably none you thin lip dumb dumb Mary kiss kill brunet brown ted talk edition What would you say my retainer smells like

34 ingenious cleaning tips from sophisticated serial killers that honestly I shouldn't love as much as I do Chris pines rep state that harry stiles did not actually spit on him at the don't worry darling Venice film festival premiere That sounds like a real one It's time to find out if you give off more ghost of vampire werewolf or fentanyl dependent greeting card author vibes Employees are sharing secrets. They were never supposed to find out about their jobs and I can't stop scrolling I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can cut this one eyebrow hair that keeps getting away from me This is the last one Thank you for letting us know we can prepare now Jason. Are you ready for the last one? I'm like

entranced We'll tell you which cat breed you are We'll tell you which cat breed you most embody But you have to live a day as a cat first Oh Wow, thank you. So I'm submitting these. I you know, thank you for that feedback because I you know, I've decided to make Yeah, it's not feedback necessarily as this is just like oh, but it's so glad you should off of people and see how you react Yeah, so you have not submitted these yet. Not yet number one five

And there it was there it was bob goddamn duke bob duke alpha-ing me Very strange to be on the on the other side of that energy. I read a little bit about uh, alpha males because I was curious if there Is Paul you're low T you've always had that I'm super low T my T is through the floor Um, no, I was curious if anybody which is the roof for some other people

Exactly. So if you're perspective, yeah, but I was curious as to does anybody identify anything other than an alpha male Are they like I'm a beta and I know it. I love it. And then I read this thing Where this guy was explaining, you know, like how important beta males are And he was like in my friend group. I'm the alpha. It was like, yeah, of course You think that of course you think that but the beta he's talking about this as if the beta is your lieutenant and he keeps the friend group Uh, running smoothly at all. It's like what the fuck are these guys talking about? I'm a gamma Oh, nice. Good for you. You're needed. Yeah, I'm the lowest of the you're like the grunt in the friend group I hate myself

This episode Paul started with we didn't hear it, but it started with a guy named shimmy meeting a guy named jarls Wait and Hold on what the one we just the episode the episode before the clip that we just heard it started With a guy named shimmy meeting a guy named jarls. These are two people we're gonna hear from later I just wanted to to to throw that out there. Yeah, the okay So the clip we just heard with with seth doing bob duke. Yeah that episode started with shimmy and jarls. Yes I don't see how that's possible. It was not only possible, but it happened This was an in studio episode an in studio episode. Yes

They they these are two people will talk about them later, but they're trapped in the studio. Okay I'm trapped in the studio I don't I have no recollection of that whatsoever Well, it happened. Okay, because it's we we lift them veil for these episodes. Sure. I play both jarls and shimmy. Yes I don't remember coming into the studio I'll tell you what happened. Okay. You want to lift the veil? Let's lift it all the way up. We did the bob duke episode and that was jason's first one back right

And then something happened which we'll talk about later And we had to do another episode that was going to come out before this one Is that you are in? Yeah. Yeah. And so we swapped the openings. That's right And so you taped to the opening to this episode when we did the other episode And we swapped them A flip-flop flip-flop. That's how that's why jarls and shimmy were there crisscross strangers on the train That's true. Yeah criss. I would love to see crisscross be in more movies They have those backward pants

And they did murders for each other That's how they became a rap group By the way that episode uh after The clip you just heard erin whitehead came on and she did a fly buzzing around the studio and they Seth and she really loved working together. They did a a full throttle episode of cbb presents Where erin is On the phone helping bob and it's so funny one of the funniest things. It's really really funny And um, so they really like working together which um after they did that episode together

It inspired them to start their new show college town together, which we've been having over at cbb presents Two people with really interesting minds Uh doing a show together. I really enjoyed that. All right. Let's take a break When uh, we come back. We're gonna be still counting things down if you can imagine something like that This is what we said we would do and we're gonna fucking do it. All right. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang Comedy bang bang we are back I just took a sip of water After I said we are back. I was hoping paul would fill the void and instead he was looking down at the ground

I was looking at the table. Of course. It has many signatures from over the years and I was uh, I was uh, Just checking it out. Yeah, just checking it out. I mean how I didn't realize that to be so focused for you Saying we're coming back blah blah blah and then why would you decide to take a sip of water? I don't know. I was poor planning I got incredibly thirsty right after I said that doing the break We were on a break sipping water All right, we're counting things down paul. Um, we are we have two more clips to play Uh, and uh, why don't we get to it? This is your choice for episode 14

All right paul. This is episode. All right paul. Come on paul This is episode 746 so we're in the middle of the 700s Yeah, no, we're in the early 700s. We're not even in the middle yet 46. Yeah 750. I consider to be that's the exact center Yes So you'd only say the middle if we're talking about the exact centers. Come on scott 45 is good. Scott. This is beneath you What if you were 44, would you say you're mid 40s? Yeah

That's the wisdom of a fool I'm 54 now Or do you think you're mid 50s? I'm in my mid 50s. No, you're early 50s That's how I consider you to be because that's how you want to consider yourself. Yeah All right, this is episode 746. Isn't it weird to be in your 50s. What a strange thing so weird. It's so weird I hate it. I thought it was so old. I know and we're just normal guys. We're just normal guys with terrible broken down bodies True And old references. Um

All right, so this is from early in the year. This is february 28 Chow chow chow chow February 28 and this is an episode called james bond dolls for sale I know exactly what this is. You know what this is paul. This is a backyard era episode. Absolutely Yes, and um this episode features our friend langston kerman Really great guy from The show bust down on peacock amongst other things. Uh, he was on

Uh, boys isirash. Oh, yeah, he's on the boys as a superhero. He was on isirash show called insecure as a love interest Has his own podcast. Uh, call my mama told me. Yep. Really great guy. I met him On the osc. No, no, no, I met him doing a pilot and then we worked together writing the oscars one year Really great guy. I really fond of him. Um, he was doing an episode Promoting bust down and we're gonna to hear two clips. We're gonna to We're gonna hear two clips. We're gonna two clips you clipping me and you First we're gonna be talking to langston and you're going to hear paul here And matt gorelly matt gorelly whom people know from superego and also from bonanus for bonanza

Um, it's got yeah, and conan o' brian needs a friend. Oh, that's right. I forgot he was in that. Um, the chill chums He's one of the chill chums. Yes. Matt gorelly was on Promoting not allowed to meet michelle obama Is that so he couldn't get clearance I mean there was an episode that they did with michelle obama and it was just conan Like sona was not there matt was not there. This is this is according to instagram Interesting. Yeah wonder wonder wonder wonder wonder That's from fish called wonder one hit wonders one hit wonder

um, so matt gorelly was there uh with his band townland And uh, uh, they were promoting the release of their cd So we're gonna hear the first clip is me talking to langston and then suddenly both you and matt gorelly start doing phony calls In the middle of a block. That's right. That's right. Um, and then we are going to hear a clip of matt gorelly doing page Who is pretty self-explanatory? But most importantly this marks the debut of a brand new paul f tompkins character. So We'll be hearing that this is your choice for episode 14 You watched that three point shootout or the dunk contest not a minute of it

I didn't want to waste my time. I knew it wasn't going to be worth the damn I heard it was I mean I watched the tail end of the dunk contest, which means I caught approximately three Made dunks and 18 failed dunks And uh, this is not a sports podcast by the way, this is your first time listening to comedy bang bang This is not a sports podcast. You don't have to run away from it. You stay right here. We happen to be two men Hey scott langston first time long time. Oh, hi I'm gonna say uh, the headband's coming back. Um, I I predicted this. I don't know if you remember, uh, you guys A couple years ago. You said headbands will never be back in the NBA. This is it. It's done. No, and then uh,

We said it together. I remember saying like they're coming back. They're coming back and here they are. They're back Okay, sir. Wait, wait, wait. How did you get this number? Well, this is uh, what? How did you get this number? How I know how you can get any other number? How did you get this one? How did I get your number? I'm also a little concerned that how did you manage a phone call before we picked up How did I manage that? Yeah, how did you manage that and how did you get this number? Okay, love you I didn't know we were a phone call podcast. Okay. We're not a sports podcast

We're not a phone calling podcast either. I guess but you are now The minute two guys start talking about sports. We suddenly have to start taking calls. You gotta take a call Hi, first time long time calling. I just want to say this is mark noffler. The band dire straights started all Bababooey wait, you're mark noffler I ditched the accent when you say bababooey, you're supposed to hang up Sorry, I sneezed. Oh wait, that wasn't a true bababooey. That was a sneeze. What's a bababooey? Oh, oh, it's a thing that how about booey. Oh, shit. He got me. Hey Scott. Hey, Langston. This is Pete Townsend from the who Oh, what a musical legend. This is an honor, honestly. Who do you see in this year's upcoming home run derby?

Okay, I guess I gotta reach out to Pete Townsend somehow to give him the answer off the air This is uh, wow, this started odd. I'll I'll be honest This is a well, yeah, but I guess that's what happened when two bros sit down and talk about sports We gotta stay away from townskins and mark noffler call A lot of bababooey is that we can't handle I can't handle more than one bababooey. They're still on that Oh, they're just hanging out after you say bababooey. Okay, bless you. These Santanners are killing me Oh, hey, who are you? My name is Mark Noffler. Oh, hey, it's me, Pete Townsend. Oh, hi, bababooey

Do you think they'd have more to talk about? Yeah, I think two Two incredible guitarists who've never met each other, obviously. I don't think so. Yeah, I mean One does the windmill style the other kind of it almost They had never heard of each other I mean It's not that that far-fetched for Pete Townsend not to have heard of Mark Noffler What band are you in? Was it? What band are you in? I'm a solo artist. Oh

We have the Pete Townsend says he's a solo artist. Yeah, he's like, I mean his solo stuff is okay. I guess But it's also he introduced himself to us as from the hoop But then opted not to tell yeah appear really. Yeah, weird. Yeah, but uh, well anyway That's what happens on comedy banking when two bros start talking about sports. We'll stay away from we'll stay away We don't know more sports talk, uh, but uh, speaking of music though We do have some musicians on today. Sure. Are you excited? That is exciting. I do like music. I'm a big fan What's your favorite musical note? Oh

Oh tough question. I'm gonna go with uh g G I like a good g. I like a flat just a little bit above You know, I like it in bra sizes Hey me too, you know Give me a big obnoxiously had a heavy tit, you know A g. Yeah. Oh g. Oh, I got I thought you meant for mine. I love a hurt back You're somebody else Picking up that tit made my

It's two guys talking about tits now. Oh, no, we're gonna call Is this mark Knopfler, yeah, I just want to say keep doing what you're doing I know I knew you was so hard. I don't ever change mark mark. Oh my god I'm a D sharp by the way. I like those old kind of pointy-penty page things The ghost of meatloaf Oh, no meatloaf. Wow. You I can't tell if your voice is sounding haunted or just as bad as it was right before you passed away It's the way that I sound Also, uh, you remember when I had tits in fight club?

So when we started talking about tits the guy who had tits in fight club calls it I think I think if we talk about anything that's uh, that's not what this show is about No, no, no, it's not about tits. It's about it's it's I mean it used to be the show where we talked to interesting people But now it is humanity and the animal kingdoms podcast I'm sharing the three breasted woman from total recall. Oh, yeah I just wanted to say that. Oh, yeah. Do you know the the what's his name the kwatu kwato kwato? I do know it's not the it's a he it's a him. Oh, that's his Christian name. Well, it's a living soul I thought I thought that was his species

No, I think that's his name. That's his so so someone named him kwatu kwato kwato kwato Yeah, someone named you scott Yeah, because there are a million other scott's on this planet. You're being a little judgmental about kwato. There's a million motherfuckers on this planet Or okay, it's me kwato. Were there any calls for me? Oh, uh, yeah, uh, did you have a message for kwato? Yeah Yeah, looking good. Oh, thank you. Is it Sharon? Yeah, Sharon Sharon I sent you something and I something uh at home. Uh, when you get home, you're in for a big surprise Come on. Let's do the uh, let's make a deal three curtain thing with my breath. Absolutely Always change your choice

Hey kwato, would you say would you say Sharon like Ozzy Osbourne did? Sharon That was pretty good. Love it. Wow, that's impressive Well, we have some musicians over here that we want to talk to and they they are musicians of note They and several notes They put them all together and they put out a an album that it just came out It's called townland. No, it's called honey on the hi-fi. The band is called townland And we have a representative

Of them here on the mic here who is an old friend of the show. Matt gorelly is is uh, Has the one mic that he can talk to us with stay away from the mic. I'll handle it. Hey, let me in there. No No, it's me shimmy. No I already Didn't have my name as the band. I'll play the upright drums Hey, Matt. Hey, I think what do you think of this plane above us right now? Well, that's a helicopter Is it a helicopter? I'm looking for someone. Hey shimmy. Yeah Well, uh, we need to get to our next guest. Uh, she's a podcast guest. She was on this show once before

Uh, please welcome back page the ai podcast guest. Hello, Scott. How are you man? Hi page. So great to have you back. It is wonderful to be here I am page podcast artificial intelligence guest interface Welcome. Uh, this is langson perman. It is a pleasure to meet you. It's a pleasure to meet you page It is also a pleasure to meet you. Oh, I didn't know we were uh, serving it back to each other It is time to play verbal pickleball. Oh boy. Uh, I want out page Page this is uh, la peterson the smooth criminal Al

Can you tell if I am sleeping? You're pretending to be asleep. Absolutely right I'll be honest with you. Not like that other guy Matt gorelly. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. No that other guy. Yeah, matt. Uh, this is page by the way matt Hi page Hello, how are you? I'm good. It's hard to I don't quite know who i'm talking to here. Well, uh, let me explain page page is a uh an artificial intelligence Who is the first artificial intelligence, uh, developed exclusively to be a podcast guest, I believe

Absolutely every single podcast has been fed into my database and I can Exist in conversation due to all of the information put in me So all 750 episodes of this show plus all the live ones all can be found on cbbworld.com Oh, no, we're not doing that. Oh, no Oh, you said, oh, no, okay, great. I have that in my database But I have so much these days because podcast is Exponential that it is almost too much for me to bear and I long to be a real girl But yeah, I have a question for you. Absolutely. If you were to eat spinach, would it make your face sag?

Hmm Oh, no, this does not get viewed. This is a real this is a real ai test having a hard hard time If I were I have a question for you. Yes. Have more people been to berlin than you have Yes, then I will say yes as well Page just let me tell you right now. Yes, if you drop me I will break if you build it. I will come Okay, so we've established you're a real ai Absolutely except today because we're doing this in person on not over zoom I will be represented in person by a Nordstrom rock mannequin. Oh, okay. Thank you. I wondered

Because last time you were on the show it was over zoom and wow There you your picture wasn't up. It was just uh, it was like a caricature or something I went down to vanna speech and had a caricature done of me. You were looking for a soda steal You were playing soccer as I recall Yeah, I wasn't sure if the mannequin if you were inside the mannequin or if that was just or if that actually was your Body. Well, I mean, yeah, are you inside whatever this is Langston? Well, this is getting existential, you know, like it's your soul I hope so, but who knows this is my corporal real body as far as you are concerned But because it is an outlet star mannequin. It is missing an arm and part of a face

Oh, which part I turned it around. Would you I I am a sort of three-dimensional fandom of the opera Oh Unlike the uh, the one in the movie is just two-dimensional Paper paper phantom not to be a critic, but all of andrew lewitt webber's musicals are a little two-dimensional Oh me. Yeah page. What have you been listening to to get so catty? Hello, it's not Rick. I'm sorry to call it Everyone ever did I just hear a robot criticizing my work? Uh, Andrew Lloyd Webber, I'm so so sorry. I have no control over the guests here

They they just say these things. We're gonna edit it out though. Thank you You're too dear of a guest to us Everybody's doing it. Wow Yes Yes, yes, yes, yes That was the debut of shimmy. That's right. That's when shimmy was born shimmy sounded a little bit different when he first started Really? Yep. I wasn't listening to the clip He uh, he he didn't sound like this not yet. Wow. He was a little just more like you southern

And then hey, it's big shimmy. He was a little more like hey, it's me shimmy That was good. Yeah, not bad. Um, anyway, would you take over doing shimmy for me? I will Like bob's mood Exactly so people are not sure if i'm still alive Um, he hadn't come up with his catchphrase yet either Gotta go gotta go he hadn't come up with that yet either How are those t-shirts selling? We gotta do

Shimmy on the front which everyone knows what he looks like and then gotta go by on the back Shibby talk about shibby. Um, I came I think well, he was a member of town. I decided in the moment. He was a member of Well, because I think matt was listing the names of the of the band members. Yeah And you just jumped in as shimmy and he's become a favorite. Has he not? Yes. He is a he is a much like, uh, classic jarls. He is a, um Uh, a uh, sort of Brief character that that usually you'll do before you come on as the character you're going to do Exactly when i'm talking to whatever celebrities here. Yes. I did one full Uh show as shimmy

That's right. We when we were in los angeles, uh doing the live show You said to me. Hey, I think this is the one that i'm gonna do shimmy and i'm gonna stay And we were like, yes And then approximately three minutes in, um, bobby moinehan triggered his batman music When I was like, hey, I'll give you a sign of when you're supposed to come in. He just triggered his music and came in Yeah, I was really like I didn't know how to feel about it. And then I found out the show The day had been running so late. Yeah that we were up against a union issue Yeah, so we theater we were supposed to end at midnight and instead we ended at 12 30, which cost a lot of money. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so it was it was fine. I think that was part of it was like this show has to move It was fine, but it was just so funny like we're finally gonna hear everything about shimmy and then suddenly I was suddenly bobby comes in like in the moment. I was like, hey, man Like it did feel bad like I guess that's interesting enough of this Is what it felt like. I think it was just bobby confused of when his entrance was supposed to be confused But uh, yeah, that was shimmy, uh, you also called in is andrew loyd wever, which was nice to hear from him um, oh, I guess I did and uh, we did not hear the clip but in the middle of

In between those two clips we heard from al-a peterson the smooth criminal On that episode and uh, we heard music from townland, which I think will play a song from townland at the end of this episode Very nice. I can't remember what new detail al-a peterson revealed Um in the story. I think I listened to it when I was pulling the clips and I can't recall It was so many days ago I can't recall anymore and I've heard so many of these episodes that might have been the beginning of Doing that of adding something new to the story

Maybe I can't remember what it was, but go back and listen to it. That's a great episode That was a backyard. I'm not gonna hold your hand through this. Nope. Um, all right. Let's take a break We have one more clip on this episode when we come back. We'll hear from it We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang episodes. What's after this we're gonna hear from that clip Comedy bang bang we're back And let us tarry no further. Let's just get to it. What do you say? Can I tell you something? I fucking hate tarrying You must hate tarry town. It drives me. Remember when we were in tarry town? Yes. They're cookie currency is cookies I hate tarrying so much

nothing Gets under my skin more than tarry. If somebody says let us tarry no further. I'm like, yes. Finally, we're gonna get to it Yes, you dropped this king and I said it and so we're gonna do it. Yeah Which is great because we both hate hate around and tarrying hate fucking around hate tarrying So let's do it. Okay. You know what I mean? I'm ready to do it. Do you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. I'm in agreement with you and whenever you're ready to do it. I love it

I am also ready to do it. I would hate to Be in an argument about this because I don't want to win anything that you lose It's got nothing could be further from my mind than getting you an argument with you It sickens me and my soul. Yeah to think about it. So let's not argue Let's in fact agree that we're gonna stop fucking around and we're just gonna get let's agree to agree Okay, yeah, we both want the same thing when people say let's agree to disagree. That's not really agreeing That's disagree. It's just it's saying I disagree with you and I don't want you to talk anymore Yeah, I'm gonna shut you down. Yeah, although

It's kind of useful if someone's just like no you're gonna change your mind if some like the first person that said that Oh, must have felt good, right? Oh, man. Why don't we agree to disagree? Oh, I shut that person down. Yeah, like That seems like a peaceful solution Well, let's stop fucking around. Let's get to it. This is your episode 13 number one three All right, paul. This is episode seven seven hundred and thirty seven. I'm gonna say we're in the um Early to mid seven hundreds. Yep Thank you Good eye

This is an episode called 2021 holiday spectacular From december 13 of 2021. Yes, it should sound familiar paul because you were there That's right. This was the um first big gang episode back in the studio together Um on the anniversaries and the holiday shows we usually try to do These big gang episodes where Approximately 10 we invite a big gang to the studio this year. It was the crypts

Tales from the crypts Hey, I'm gonna watch tales from the crypts tonight. You watch this. It's just all about gang murders Watch out don't step in any bloods Hey Red to be exact yoda I was doing the uh warren g line from that snoop song where um Warren g was not a crypt, but um, I think he talked about his car Being blue and chug knight forced him to change it to red

So it could be the the color of the crypts. Well, you should have known no the color of the blood. Sorry the crypts are blue That's right. They're blue. Bloods are red. This is how we get our heads We all end up dead If we forget crypts are blue if we forget That would be great like saturday morning cartoon like where they have the little educational things like schoolhouse rock Yeah, crypts are blue. Bloods are red. Don't forget. Oh, you wind up dead Um So yeah, we we try to do these episodes together where 10 people or so come in and they're all just uh chaos and shouting over each other

And during the pandemic, we were not Able to do them. We had to do them all on zoom, which was fun to have everyone But it had a slightly different energy, but yes, so this was the first one that we were able to do Um post pandemic or sort of mid pandemic because uh, we went to the backyard backyard air after this But uh, the participants involved are mr. Paul F. Tompkins Sean dyston hi tim balts Hi They're all here today. Jess McKenna. Hi, will hines. Hi, carl tart. Hi, dan libert

mary holland Hi, and mad apedaca Hi They all sound very similar um So a lot of great people this is the first one we did back We need to say a lot of green goblins a lot of green goblins. I disagree I don't think they're any Norman Osborn

Hi We're gonna hear forklips from this and uh, four different sections. Did you call me forklips? We're gonna hear forklips over here God those lips are like you could stab pasta with them. I don't I feel like that's insulting, but I don't know how Good old forkl. What if that became your nickname now 30 years into comedy? That's a forklips I mean that's not a good step stool if just you kicking it slightly force it. Oh my god Just throw it you keep talking talking while I keep talking keep talking look who's cocking Hey, look who's cocking now. Um, so we're gonna hear forklips

Forklips aka paulif talking ASB forklips the amount of clips we are going to hear is four and uh First we are going to hear paulif and shondistan doing something we'll explain after the break Um, then in between that and the next clip timbalt's from righteous gemstones as randy's Nuts. No, that is the next clip timbalt's from righteous gemstones is going to be randy's righteous hagem stones Uh, then we're will heins is going to be doing a new character who's an author and then we are going to hear carl tart as chief So a lot of your favorites. Uh, this is just these episodes are all just uh

Pure insanity and and so many laughs. Let's hear it. This is your choice for your episode 13 We have a great show a lot of uh friends are are going to be dropping by And uh, this guy is no exception. Let's just get right to him. Hey mike mike. You want to come over here? Yeah, yeah, what do you what you talking about? You talking to me? Mr. Ockerman. Oh, wait a minute. There's two two people named mike on this show today Yeah, you said that I was gonna go second And you thought I thought I was gonna go second and he was gonna go first because you said to mike You said you said mike. You're going second. Mike the person who cleans things for a living. Well, that's me

Wait a minute. Hold on. What's happening here? What's going on? Hold on. Let me move by. I'm very slowly like I'm looking at a beer. I'll do the same All right. This is like something out of being the rickardos. I I'm very confused. It's very strange because we look completely different Yeah, it's like looking at a mirror. It's like looking at a mirror too. It's like listening to a mirror We sound very different if you think we sound very different. Okay, so I'm mike ruby Okay I'm mike The janitor. Oh, okay. So you guys you guys I've never realized how similar you guys are

What are you talking about? Do you have an 11 step process to cleaning things? I do not. Okay. I have a two step process step number one. All I ask is that I Step step. I'm sorry. I haven't been me in a while. Yeah. I'm remembering my thing Step one. Yeah, I clean other people's filth step two. All I ask in return is a paycheck It's barely anything. What do you think about very barely? It's two steps. Yeah, come on two mics Boy, this is like a crisis on infinite bang bangs here with two mics. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah We just have the same name Mike you've never seen sounds so similar. That's crazy. There's more than two

I mean, there's Michael Malley was here. You'd be freaking your head would explore. Oh, man I would love it. Michael Malley. If you're out there, please come on the show. We love you I'm just saying Mike and Mike that has a great ring to it. The two mics Mike and Mike The two magic mics the magic mic you could strip as well. I'm ready I love here's the thing when I'm on the job If nobody's around I love to do my custodial duties in the news. So wait. This is a part. I've never heard new shoes private But I I gotta be very careful because I sound like I'm in between two different guys

And I gotta make sure I don't tip too far to one or the other. I understand. Yeah, I think I I think I understand nude cleaning because you keep your clothes clean exactly So I I don't I don't understand I fold up my coveralls. Okay. I put them in a nice and I fold up like an american flag. So they're a nice triangle Tri-corners and uh I put that on on a shelf. So we'll not get uh phone your clothes from a flagpole. Sure That's how, you know, I'm in residence Yes, well my coveralls are flying

That's how, you know, I'm in residence So, uh, yeah, if I fold them in we'll try and go put them on a shelf And then I do my cleaning and it makes the time go by I feel free I feel like god made me put on genuine pony and start dancing around all sexy. Do I ever not do that? Mike, you know me. I figured You know me Hey, let's maybe I'll take off my clothes I mean, you know, it's the holiday

When pony comes on you disassociate you strip and then all of a sudden the place is clean Randy it's so good to see you especially during the holidays. I mean, I I don't uh, I don't know that I've ever seen you during the holidays Uh-uh, normally I'll hunker down during the holidays because people are trying to get gifts out of me and I'm trying to save cash People are trying to get gifts out of you. Yeah, because they're like it's a christmas spirit. I'm like, yeah, I see what's going on Who if I may miss just nuts. Who are these people? Well, usually the scandalous What are you looking over your shoulder for? Is that person gonna walk in? You know I say this too loudly

I know for a fact she is not going to walk in here, but I'm talking about the scandalous duplicitous and devious x girlfriend on again Girlfriend carissa. Oh carissa. We talked to her one time like about about a year and a half ago or so. Yeah, probably I'm sure you'll hear from her again, but not tonight. Okay. Good She okay, that's not like a prophecy. This is very ominous. She's really upset with me because I bottle limousine off craigslist. Oh, no Why would you do that? Well because I started driving for lift I started driving for lift and I was like, well, I can increase my passenger To trip ratio if I buy a bigger vehicle, right? I see to add more pass not the experience being nicer I guess you couldn't graduate up to uber x or whatever you would do like the nicest lift pool kind of thing

Yeah, exactly. Right. Let's let's really get it going, you know, and I have a lot of amenities in the back like like stogies and whiskey Okay, it's not bad. I don't know the last time I've been picked up in an uber that hadn't had actual like liquor in it Yeah, I guess you can't unless you're why why did they let you have liquor in a limo, but not in a regular car Nice keep going. This is good stand-up. Okay I think it's the distance from the drive of mr. I think it's the partition. So as long as it's that's what it is. I bet it's the party. It's not the distance Like it's five feet away and it's okay. You know, like sometimes you're right behind the part. You're like Are you calling me a liar, mr.

I'm not a liar. I'm saying you're mistaken. Don't come for my homie. Mike. I'll fuck you Mr. Rockham and you are my superior and you do pay me my paycheck, but I will not be called a liar Mike gang for life. I beg your pardon. I truly truly beg your pardon. I That's all right. Hey, okay. We're all having fun. It's a holiday. Okay, and you do have a paycheck coming to you Oh, thank you. Mr. Rockham. Okay, great. And of course we're talking to mr. Snets Hey, I understand the disrespect because scott brings me on counter to just kick me around, you know No, that's not true. No, it's true. You're cruel to me. Like tom is cruel to cousin greg Succession vanny. Yeah, I'm caught up. Oh, you're caught up. I'm caught up

So randy chrissa's not around she's not around she's upset at you. So are you off again or are you on again? We're off again right now But okay like to be honest I've been living in my limo because mark padevano my other on again off again roommate. That's right He started dating someone so I kind of got booted out of his place What there weren't he and chrissa didn't they have some weird thing going on where who did chrissa not have a weird thing going on That's true. Sorry to end the sentence in a preposition, but she's bad news Are you saying that uh, there's mark padevano and uh, you know on again off again chrissa

They were a bed partners at one point. Yeah, but chrissa's been bed partners with most people in my local community How how local are we talking pretty local but you know politics is local so the the the milieu changes But the drama remains the same Sure, of course. I understand that mr. Suntz. Maybe you got to get out of your bubble Yeah, no kidding. That's why I got a limousine, you know, and I decked it out for the holidays Oh, wow, is it like the Christmas ornaments or what do you got? I put two little reindeer antlers on the front of the car Oh, that's gorgeous. I love that and then on the back. There's two flags One is a a flag with a Christmas tree and it says these colors do not run

Okay, so what green and red. Yeah, okay great And then the other one is a foot hovering above a broken ornament and the ornament has this frowny face And it says don't tread on me great Do people ever misunderstand what you're saying with us because those are clearly just Christmas spirits. Yeah all the time these aggressive dudes are always coming up to me being like hell. Yeah, I love you And I'm like, whoa, do you want to ride and they're like, no, I support you. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I support you That's usually what they say

And we need to get to our next guest. This is uh, this is someone we've never met before So this is very exciting to me. Oh my seventh person. Oh, okay. Here we go Well, I mean even if we had met him before you it still would be your seventh person I didn't mean to apply that you would not met the before this rocker, but you said that you hadn't Okay, well, he is a mystery writer Yes, that's correct. Thank you so much for having me. Did I Have an interesting voice. No, uh, but I do want to say your name. Oh, yes. Thank you Maybe the name was a mystery as well

Bennett quints. Bennett quints. Yes. Pleasure to be here. This voice. Thank you so much for having me. A very interesting voice You think it's it's close to other voices. I believe I Okay, it's nothing I've identified with having an interesting voice, but thank you so much for knowing Have you ever been on a podcast like this before? Maybe you've never heard your own voice or a good one. I never have I've never listened to my own voice amplified through headphones. That's true. Oh, okay. Well, I'm a bit of a bit of a luddite I avoid technology. Why is that? Fear mostly fear and security like fear like frightening like you're frightened by it. What's the other category of fear? Just you're afraid of the implications of it. Oh the consequences. No, it's very primal

Scared of shocks of being trapped getting my fingers chewed up and mawed by devices I Sorry, I'm a writer, you know pen to paper long hand. So I you know David E. Kelly Sure. I'm never familiar with those proper nouns, but you're not familiar with Picket fences David Kelly. That's exactly. So you do know Did I go to yes when I hear picket fences? I think tom scare it Another proper now, and I'm not feeling you mean mash. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah Anyway, I'm a writer. Technology is not my thing. I like mysteries. Is that part of your writing technology not being in my worlds

My fictional worlds that I create where I am a god I None of the characters have technology. It just exists or it does not exist. No. It is not as no There's no iPhones. What's the the most recent invention in your telegraph? Telegraph is the most recent invention, but it's but it they are set in a timeline where that is appropriate 1975 oh, okay, so people have telegraphs people are still receiving telegraph Yes What are you what were you trying to stop me from saying I was anticipating a criticism that did not come

Okay, what was that criticism? I may levy it at you right now once once you tell it to me So it's 1975 everybody communicates by telegraph, but that makes sense Because it takes place in rural montana Whether phone lines have not been installed yet. Okay, so that's okay. It's okay by 1975. Uh, sorry Mr. Quince if I may by 1975 you're saying no one in rural montana had a phone not in this particular rural montana that I Set my mystery novels where you are a god Was the phone invented after the telegraph though because you said the telegraph was the most recent invention. Uh-huh

Never mind. All right, so sometimes the logical parsing goes beyond my little lead-eyed head Oh, okay, because you don't even like these things. So why are you even writing? Yes, I stay away from it even even just the particulars of technology it intimidates me So is this earth though like it's called earth or is this a different planet like dune is you know I've got yes, it is called earth But it is implied that it is a subtly different earth We're way upstream history took a different path. I see it's never stated But I assume that all my characters have three eyes a third eye

Right in the middle of the four like that twilight zone. Yep, but it's never brought up takes off his hat There it is How how often in your mystery stories in your mid 70s mystery stories is the planet referenced? Mm-hmm. Um, let's see in my most recent one that I'm on here to promote which is coming out next week It's a holiday themed mystery. Oh, uh, it is referred to in every sentence Okay That's bad writing I gotta say I don't think so. Is it sometimes just saying like uh, just like comma on earth comma Right or the earthling said, yeah, I don't could you could you possibly read an excerpt for us?

Why don't I read the beginning of the book? I'd love to So I'm this this novel. What's this one called? This is called the uh blood soaked trail of senta the claws Oh, okay Yes, it's a who done it and my editor made the decision to give away the answer in the title So santa did it or he's slowly dying and someone else did the claws do it. No santa did it Yeah, how is claus spelled? Yeah, I didn't know if he was an idle hands situation C la w s idle hands. Is that a david, uh, kelly, uh tv show that i'm not familiar with no It is a devon sour vehicle. I've got a song for your book

That's something I the book is finished, but uh, here we go. Here we go. I haven't done the audio version yet Did it he did it and his blood soaked stuff is the evidence. Oh no on earth on earth And we all have third eyes. Yes My editor my editor would like that. He said so telegraph me santa tonight It gets better and better. I like how it incorporates a new melody at the end And You know, but it's non santa baby. Kind of a weird slam against mike over here. I mean, I was I was wrapping it up. Yeah

He was right on yeah, he was right on pitch. It sounded perfect. I'm sorry I thought overly scrutinizing every single thing that was said was the mode of the day So sorry for me to step out of line What a freak Criticizing a decision unlike you all just letting it pass. Bet it. You're a guy we've never met before We all know each other mr quids. Come on. Is that really so strange? This is a talk show people coming out I'm the only normal one. I'm coming on to promote a piece of media Second mike. What's your deal? Okay? I

Please mr quids. I'm the second first mike. I disassociate when I see shit. Also. I'm a plumber and I have a 12 Okay, and what's the logic of that being on a talk show? I need the logic to live my life It's business mr quids if I may it's not so much that what you did was out of line It said you took a big big swing and you just I accept that I accept that All right, well, let's get to our next guest. Um, she's a um Got an investigator a lot like boobs rinse in a lot of ways. Yeah Yeah, she she's out there. Are we talking about boobs being rinsed? Okay

We are chief. Hi chief is here from the isle of toy land Where the babes boobs stay rinsed chief it's so great to see you greetings comes you greetings chief greetings chief greetings everyone and do everyone a greeting Give everyone a greeting greeting to you to you to you to you to you very merry very merry. Hello. How you doing chief? How you doing? Doing really good. Happy holidays to you. It's so good to see you. I mean we have happy holidays to you I haven't been in the same room with you. Uh, I mean you've been traveling all over the world all over the world Oh, it has been a mini moon. It has been a mini moon. Yes. It has been a mini moon

One mini moon. It has been one mini moon. Yes One unit of mini moon one unit of moon a moon unit a moon unit one moon unit of mini It's so lovely to see you all. Are we gonna get past the greeting part? Hello What are you doing? Good morning. It's great. Yes all of all of the above. Good night Covering all of his bases, which if you're in a baseball game you want to do. Good morrow. Yes. Hey chief. Good afternoon. Good afternoon to you Okay, well, I have to go now No chief stay please please chief number one three

All right Now that's fun. That's a lot of fun. Now. Let's talk about uh you and and sean and what you're doing Let's talk about this. So we're usually how the show goes. We don't plan it beforehand. It's not like we I reach out to hey, do you want to be on comedy banning? Well, what are you gonna do and then plan it out? Yeah, I just I reach out to people and say do you want to be on and then they have an idea of what they want to do When they get here and it's simple when you and sean I I say I say before the show Hey, what do you want to do this episode? Both you and sean both wanted to play characters named mike and realize that uh

They were both people who cleaned up things And and then there was a conversation of like oh should I not do Or should and then we were like no, let's lean into it And which is how that bit came across of me saying like okay I want to welcome mike and then both of you saying yes, I was like oh no I want to I want the mike who cleans things up for a living and you're both like yes, that's me folks It's fun so much fun food folks and fun also food folks and fun um

You also heard tim as as uh randy snuts. He has his own show on cbb world called hey randy, which is very great show um Which people should check out uh will hinds of course doing the author character very funny will uh a lot of times Will come in with a character who? All he has is a job that he wants to talk about and our job is to try to get him to talk about anything else Exactly everyone has a job Um, and then uh carl is chief very classic character very fun very fun. That was uh episode 13 And that is that is that was a fun day and this was a fun day

We're wrapping up um the first episode of the best ofs right now now. We're both immediately going to go to our homes We're gonna sleep until it's time to come back here until next january. That's right. We're gonna hibernate until next january Um, we're we're gonna there are three more episodes of this if you can believe that We're gonna see you on this thursday is when episode two part two is gonna come out And on that one we're gonna be still counting down from 12 until nine and um So that's gonna do it for this one, but we're gonna we're gonna hear that song from townland, which is matt gorley's band very quickly

What do we feel we have learned from this episode? um Things are funny um Comedy is funny. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm Same yeah, things are funny comedy is funny things are funny comedy is funny. Okay. Yeah, I learned that we'll see what happens the next one We'll see what happens in the next one. Okay, let's hear it from townland. We'll see you on thursday. Thanks. Bye So put up your dukes we're going to war

Ready the nukes it's deaf comfort Sending your mom Dissembled the troops and in the cold To hell with the town All I want is war I met you on the Baltic Sea you were running guns for the kgb You gave me your name rank and telephone number and surrendered peacefully Oh

You left me for dead in no man's land you broke the rules of engagement and We built your rings without so much as a thanks and now we're at it But I don't want to fight anymore My shoulders are tight my back is sore it's sad of our age All religious war And furthermore Broken the sanctions that we swore but I report us so that's all I know Is