Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2023 Part 1

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

Merry Christmas and Happy Best Of’s to you from Comedy Bang! Bang! Join Scott and Paul F. Tompkins as they countdown numbers sixteen through thirteen of the Best CBB episodes of 2023 as voted by YOU listeners. Tune in Thursday for Part 2!

Music Mr. Sandler, Hanukkah song, when I listen to it, I get wrong, red hood sweatshirts, Opera man. Lunch lady land. Billy Madison. Billy Madison. Ah, hello everyone. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2023. Part one. And you know what?

Merry Christmas. That's right. This is coming out on the very day of Christmas itself. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. We can finally say it. The war on Christmas is over. We won. We won again. We were able to say it to this yearly war. Starts in February. And look, if you're about to throw up your stashing yellow little boy in the street,

leave him alone. It's Christmas days. Maybe he'll say the one as big as me to you. That's always fun. But imagine today, imagine today, today, on Christmas, I mean, I mean, I'm modern times. Sure. To try to get a little boy, to buy you a turkey, it was the original gig economy work. You're going to, yeah, it's like instant grind set grind set, mind that, hey, go fucking buy me a turkey, little boy. Yeah.

And by the way, don't you have to put in orders for turkeys in advance? I guess you can get some. Nowadays? Probably. I did go to a grocery store the day after Thanksgiving and they were just lousy with turkeys. They had so many.

Who the fuck with? That's crazy. Yeah. I think they wanted to have enough so they would never run out. Of course, but look, throw them away. Yeah, I think they wanted to have enough so they they would never run out of course, but look Throw them away. Yeah, no one wants to see that one wants fucking turkey. You've already murdered them afterwards Yeah, yeah, although I do I try to make a nice turkey dinner every single day as you know I yeah, that is a strange thing about full Thanksgiving dinner

Have you do why do you do do? Why do you do that? Why do you do that? And you say you try, which means a lot of times you're thwarted. Oh, no, I never succeed. It doesn't even go in the oven. Not even Thanksgiving time. No, oh, no, no. What is it that happens?

What gets in the way? Well, there's a series of blockades. We have an obstacle course up up an American Ninja Warrior course, I guess I should say. It's not really an obstacle course. Forgetting that I gave you as a housewarming gift You did that's right and You were like American Ninja Warrior love it or leave it. Yes. I got my sister. I love it or Ninja leave it Ninja leave it

I got my citizenship paper. I believe in Jolene citizenship paper. Ninja Lee, a vigilante ninja, ninja lenty, a vigilante ninja, ninja lenty, ninja lenty,

jolly, ninja lenty, this Christmas. Um, in any case, it's a long drawn out story that I won't further complicate by going into details. But yes, it is Christmas. We hope that you have your turkeys in the oven by now or at least you're prepping it while you listen to us or your Christmas ham. That's right. What? Who decided? I haven't had a goose in a good long time.

I have, you know what? I had it a few years ago at Tamo Shanta. Oh, yeah. They had goose that night. We just went to Tamo Shanta. I did not see goose on the menu. No, they haven't had it in a while. It was so good. Maybe the geyser getting smarter or faster. Goose puts the goo in good. That's a good point. It's good. I should I say a goo point. Good. Thank you. Good slogan for goose. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, you don't see too many geese these days, maybe we're out. You mean in the world or like in the supermarket? I just mean like where we live. Yeah, that's true, not a lot of geese. They can fly overhead sometimes.

Yeah, they pass by. Sure, and I have my slingshot out there. Yeah, trying to offer a direct line to restaurants. What I like to do is I like to bring down the guy at the tip of the V. That's right Maybe it is true that the tip of the V We're talking about geese formations, but not what you think we're talking about you sickos

That that's the one who decides to start and then everyone's just kind of like I don't know. Let's follow this guy Yeah, that he's the Kumail just kind of like, I don't know, let's follow this guy. Yeah, he's the Kumail. Oh, in the new movie, I thought you man in terms of people getting jacked for Marvel movies. He was pretty late to it. The lead goose is the one who bulks up. But they're ducks, right? Aren't they ducks? I have no idea. You have no idea what?

What a skull. Scott, hold on. This is a bold claim. Yeah. You have no idea. Ask me how much this is a bold claim. Yeah, you have no idea ask me how much of an idea I have about this particular subject Well, what idea do you have about the animated film where Camille voices a water foul who is traveling with his family Out for the winter. I'll tell you I have maybe a 5% idea and that five. I'll tell you all five percent

I'll tell you what I know about it. It's animated by the people who did the minions I believe in banana banana And the minions are unequivocally funny. I've never seen a minions movie by the way We oh by the way you should be on my show Scott hasn't seen it. I don't think you've ever done it. What is that? It's a podcast that I do on CBB world where we watch movies that I haven't seen before and then we talk about them who's we oh It's just guy spray the whisperer. Oh podcast that I do on CBB World where we watch movies that I haven't seen before and then we talk about them. Who's we?

Oh, it's this guy, Sprig, the whisperer. Oh, you mean my manager? Oh, wait, Sprigmanage is you? I know he has one client. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy's Sean Distan. Yeah. He can't seem to get much going for.

Oh, well, got him a podcast. Imagine how I feel. Yeah. Oh, you, you, you. No, you should do it. Some great people have. Yeah. Oh, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, no, you should do it. Some, some great people have done it. Santa Claus just did one. We're, uh, let's just just this last Friday.

But okay, so minions, uh, okay, so minions. And I know, I know that like one bird or someone, I think it's a bird. Yeah. One bird makes you bigger. I think it gets hit by a truck, but then they have to say, I think it's a bird. One bird makes you bigger. I think it gets hit by a truck, but then they have to say, I'm okay because it would be funnier if he was dead, but it's a kids movie.

So they have to say like, oh no, it's okay. But it's giving kids the wrong message that you can get like hit by a truck and then be fine. Don't you think? Absolutely. Well, just like, it started with the 18. Yeah, exactly. When the guys had to, you know, like a horrific,

the guy's name. As they were known, the guys. That's what the bad guys on the 18 were known. Hey, the guys. Yeah. Like a truck would flip over five times. Yeah. And then you'd hear, I'm a perv.

Yeah. Or you'd see someone like going, Ouch. That was crazy. That was, that's what the guys do. Just, you know, it was just the editor. Yeah. It's like they gave him a list of things to say.

Could you put this in so we don't get in trouble? But I think don't think it paid to do that to put any time your voice appears in an episode. Oh yeah, that's why editors are so rich. They're so rich. Yeah. Man, I should have gotten into editing. Because they're constantly, people don't know

any background noise you hear. It's the editor doing it. Plus, by the way, a lot of people don't know when you're watching a TV show, it starts, right? Okay, credits, titles, whatever. And then you see maybe the main character or a field or something. It's crossed.

A field. Oh, I know the movie you're talking about. The killing fields. You know, here it is. The US for it. You made a ticket. We don't want to keep you waiting in suspense. People were thrilled to like, okay.

It's not metaphorical. Sometimes you'll buy a ticket for like Gandhi, right? Yeah. And dude doesn't show up until like 45 minutes in. I don't think that's true. I don't know. I haven't seen it. You should do Gandhi with me.

I thought, sure, I'll do Gandhi. I've been in the Anominians movie. It's been a lot, ooh, double feature. Yep. Gandhi. Minions to double feature. Do you remember our famous double feature argument? What was that? I don't recall.

Where I said I had a double feature in a friend's home. Oh, yes. And you were saying it was not a double feature in a friend's home. Oh, yes. And you were saying it was not a double feature because we just watched two movies. Yeah, I agree. But with myself. But you were under the impression that we just were like flipping channels or something

and then we stumbled upon these movies. But it was a programmed event. I, where we said we're gonna watch these two movies. I, okay, here here maybe I was being too picky but the one thing I'll say is that I feel like double feature implies that you pay one price and receive two movies now no money exchanged hands if I'm correct although maybe it's just like, hey, we're featuring two movies on the bill, regardless of what price. I guess you could

have a double feature that was free, like at the library or something. But you know what, nowadays with our cashless society, money changes hands. That's true. That's a good point. You know, Apple Pay. Yeah. Did anyone Venmo you to go to this? No, there's a while ago. There's a while ago. Hmm. So this pre-venmo. This pre-venmo. Pre-Okay, pre-casheless society. So you were cash.

I mean, there were credit cards. You were cashful. Cashful. So did anyone give you any sort of currency, US or otherwise? Why did they give me the currency? Was it not at your place? Was it at a friend's house? It was not at my place.

It was at a friend's house. Who was this friend? Wait a minute. Was it Mr of friends. It was on my place. It was a friend's house. Who is this friend wait a minute? Was it Mr. AMC And it was his house What's the AMC stand for I don't know American movie club? I would imagine I don't know and then it isn't a weird that AMC is a network to it It has nothing to do with it. Are they not related in any way? No, no, no. How do they get away with that?

I don't know. I don't understand. If there was another comedy bang bang, you bet I would sue their ass and it would do a obliteration. It did something adjacent to what you do, but not exactly the same thing. Yeah, there was. I do have to say in India, I must say this. There was a comedy bang bang that I politely reached out to and said pardon me, but this

exists. Pardon me, but I will sue you in oblivion. I said pardon me, boy. Is that the Chattanooga Chuchu? And they very politely took it down. And that was, it was a wonderful was a, a wonderful series of interactions. What are you laughing at? I've just realized the hour ridiculous it is for the person in that song to refer to

the train as a chuchu pardon me boys. That's the pardon me boys. Other channel to go chuchu to, you know, the missing the goes, chuchu. And then of course, like in those times, the, the boy will look at him like he was insane. Right, like you mean the train? Okay, Mr. Yeah, the choo choo's coming. The choo choo show. Get the guys in the white coats and the butterfly nets.

They don't do that anymore in movies and it's a shame, but that classic thing of looking at somebody like they're out of their minds. Holding up a sign that has a picture of a screw and then plus and a baseball. Famously our friend Bugs Bunny. Our friend, our friend Bugs Bunny. Age of chaos. Making house.

You could make him funny, couldn't you? I was thinking this the other day. I feel like it's too late. I feel like they're just protecting this brand so much because they want to sell the hats with the ears. But like wouldn't it be great if Disney came out with a legitimately funny Mickey Mouse card to be great where he was super funny. I would challenge the listeners to find

the funniest clip of Mickey Mouse that exists. That exists because I think Steamboat Willie Days, the very first one. He was out there. I don't really even have a name. He might have been Steamboat Willie. He might have been Richard Mouse, as far as we know. But he was out there and he was,

they were trying to make a funny cartoon with him. And he was like, I forget what happened. Do you have a plot synopsis of Steamboat Willie? Yeah, let me see. From memory, it's about this mouse Do you have a plot synopsis of Steve boat, Willie? Uh, yeah, let me see from memory. Uh, it's about this mouse who is piloting a boat and he's doing a little dance. Doesn't he get chopped up at some point or couldn't tell you? Maybe that's just in my memory.

What I want to happen. Oh, I would love to see you get chopped up. But yeah, the funniest clip of Mickey Mouse that you can send to us. Yeah. Uh, well, how do they get it to us, Paul? Uh, put it on Instagram and tag us. I guess so. Yeah, I don't know that.

I can't say that I'll look, but you probably will. Hmm. I would say tag comedy bang bang world. Yes. But that'll mean Brett will have to look at them. Yeah, exactly. Oh, okay, great. Yeah.

All right, great. He loves Mickey Mouse, though. He does, he's a huge, huge Disney guy. He's not a Disney guy. He's a Mickey Mouse guy. That's right. He hates Disney. I forgot. He will not. He went to Disneyland once, hated it. He did, because he did not get to see Mickey Mouse. Yeah. Mickey is hardly over there. Why is he not there more? That's a thing. It's like when I go to Disneyland, I see Goofy. Yeah. I see Captain Hook. I see, uh, uh, even Cinderella sometimes she waves at me. Yeah. But where's Mickey? Yeah. Where are they hiding? This is like a Shelley miscavaged or something. You know, are they hiding Mickey? You know what it's like? It's like going to sowing down

south in Charleston and you think you're going gonna see Craig, but he's not there. He's not there. He's at all the one time we did see him. I know you told us this at dinner at the Tamotenter. We actually saw him through the window. And through a window. So was it like a storefront window or what kind of window? Really? What's going on? It was his house. We were looking through the window. We? What's going on? It was just house. We were looking through the window.

We're creeps. Remember 1994 when there were three songs called Creep out there simultaneously. What? I know Radeo head. Radeo head. TLC. That's right. And Stone Temple Pilots all at the same time. I don't know the stone temple pilots. We're so worried and worried, bro. Real, so bad away. The elder, the elder, the elder, the above was on a whale base. Above he rode that whale. All the way to dead as jail in my Bible, the elder above rides the whale.

The Prince of lies, the Lord of the Flies. Why doesn't he the King of lies? Like who's a better liar than Satan? Good question. Why isn't Jesus the King of peace? Yeah, what is he, the Prince of peace? Maybe they need God. The King of peace.

Maybe, you know what sucks for God? I mean, I bet a lot, but go ahead with what he is. The Almighty Creator of everything. Yeah. And then there's so much focus on Jesus. People just pray to Jesus. They don't pray to God anymore. Well, that's the thing.

When you have a kid, your life is over. And everyone's just like, Oh, look at the kid. Look at the kid. Look at the kid. Good point. Oh, my Lord. Hey, how about Izer up here?

My eyes are up here. Taller than Jesus. Yes. Stop looking at my tits. Look at my face. How big do you think God is in relation to Jesus? If Jesus is human-sized. Okay.

Is God just like the size of a mountain? How big is God? That's a good question because Jesus, okay, I would imagine Jesus, he was a baby for what, one year, and then suddenly he had a beard and sandals and everything. There was one year that he was 12, and he got lost in the temple.

That's right. He lost in the temple? When did he curse that fig tree? Was he in the temple? Oh, that was beard times. That was beard times, yeah. Yeah, beard times. When Christ got hangry.

Yeah. He's actually in the Bible, or is that just a story? Like a talk show story? I gotta remember this for cards. Jots it down. I believe that it's in the Bible. Yeah. Weird guy, Jesus.

Weird guy. It's his birthday today and we love him. Yes. Happy birthday. How big was God? I think God was probably like it was what do you know? You heard something I heard some quote God is dead Long live God at two God

Probably like Mount Rushmore sized I would think you know, it's pretty big And that's your dad. Yeah. Do you know what he mean? I know, like, do you remember being small? Yeah. Yeah. I remember being so small.

Looking up at people. I don't really remember being as small as like someone's knees. I remember, I feel like I remember interacting with an egg of some sort. I was very small. But okay, so you sit at the right hand of the father. Sure, in heaven. Who does?

If you're lucky. Well, Jesus does, of course. Jesus does, okay. So then every single human being is on his right side. But it's like, if you sit on a chair next to Mount Rushmore, yeah, are you really sitting with that, you know what I mean? I mean, I think that would be cool to sit on and share next to Mount Rushmore, is that what you're asking?

That is what I'm asking. I think we should maybe do that. Thank you for not making me spell it out. It would be cool to like get a picture, someone far back enough, to get a picture that includes you and Mount Rushmore and the faces in the same picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be fucking cool.

Yeah. We gotta do that. We gotta take a trip this year. I've never been have you ever been to Mount Russia? No, I really I looked into it actually a couple of years ago of like oh, would this be cool? I heard possible and I Can a human being do this? I heard it's kind of a letdown, but I don't know really I mean, I've seen the pictures. I believe that 1000% that will be a little I've never been to the Grand Canyon.

I was gonna do that when COVID seemed to be receding, we set up a trip and booked all the hotels, itinerary, everything. We were driving from here. Wait, you booked out all the hotels so you would have it to yourself? Yep. I just wanted the Grand Canyon.

Wow. Yeah, just me and one mule. That's amazing. It's Yep. That's a lot. Wow. Yeah, just me in one mule. That's amazing. Tweety. No, we were driving from here to Chicago on Route 66 and various that is. And then COVID kind of came back and so we canceled the whole thing. Wait, not mid trip. No, no, before we, before we, we were driving on Route 66, you be, that's what was the plan. Yeah, I was, I was, uh, enumerating the plan. Not like you were turning the radio dial is like, COVID's back. Oh shit. All citizens of I, it's a turner. Oh, you notice how

when you watch a movie and any, anytime the TV comes on or the radio comes on, it's always about something that affects the plot of the person listening. Yes. I have never turned on the TV or the radio unknowingly and then found out there was an earthshaking event happening. That had something to do with me. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then anytime there's a main character who's a teacher in a movie and he's giving a lecture about nature or something, that will relate directly to their emotional theme

or the plot of the movie as well. I'm thinking one movie in particular that just came out dream scenario, but I've noticed it in a lot of other movies. If there's ever a teacher character, they'll say like, okay, let's talk about this in nature, the bears do this. And it'll be something that relates to the plot. You know what's really sad, and I'm realizing this now, is that no teacher of mine ever said anything

that related to being anyway. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know. Yeah. Or related to my future life or anything I would have to know. It was all meaningless. Yeah. I mean, maybe I'm a dumb shit, and people think that.

But hey, that's their fault. Hey, at least I have my first kiss. Sure. If it weren't for school, that probably wouldn't happen. You had your first hand last kiss on the same day, right? You're like gross. It was like my first month. That's my last month.

Yeah. First month. Let's do the first one and the last one. Oh, where you gonna do three kisses? You kissing me, you kissing the floor. That's right. That's right. That's right. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2023 Part One.

We have been going now 20 minutes and I've not even introduced this person I'm talking to or myself, but honestly, who cares? Who cares at this point? If you're, I mean, look, this is, I know a lot of people's first episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but we want to set the table for you, exactly's happening my name is Scott auger And I'm the host of comedy bang bang. I've been hosting this program for now. We're in our 15th year But our 15th anniversary is coming up. How is that possible? You know, I don't get it and it makes me mad and I do believe that we are even in

and it makes me mad. And I do believe that we are even in our 16th calendar years, is that correct? We started in 2009, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 23, 12, 22, 23, this is fucking crazy. No, 15th, yeah, 15th. How did you get up to 23? This year is 23, because 20, 23, I'm so sorry, I completely zoned out on your counting. I'm so I would appreciate

Paul. If we're going to continue doing this best of you pay close attention when I count because that's that's almost all of it starting next year. No, starting this year. The counting part of it is huge when it comes to best of. But my name is Scott Aquaman. I've been doing this now for 15 years. And the person I am talking to is one of our, the people who's been on the show, not only the most, you hold the record of being on the show the most other than me. But you have been on the,

oh, some of the earliest episodes, I can't remember what year. I can't remember what year you've been on the earth. You've been under the earth. And it's under the earth. on the earth, some of the earliest episodes. I can't remember what year. I can't remember what year. You've been on the earth. You've been in the earth. And you've been under the earth. Under the earth. That's where it's grounder.

I saw a flounder. I'm like, there is dirt. But you, I don't know when your first episode was, but I would imagine it was like some around six or seven, something like that. You were in New York at the time. I'm gonna say 2008. No, we started in 2009 Then I'm gonna say 2009. Oh, yeah, I do believe Yorker because I called in from my office at best week ever. That's right and But you so you one of our earliest guests and also the guest who's been on the most Please welcome you know him as a stand-up comedian.

You also know him as a wonderful improviser and actor. And if you are part of his family, you know him as a wonderful member of your tribe, your extended family, perhaps, a cousin, you may know him as a cousin, you may know him as a brother. Yeah, some people know me as an nephew, not many. Not many, but you're lucky if you do. Oh my God, almost all my uncles and aunts are dead.

Oh no, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to hear that. It's strange. Are you an uncle? I am an uncle many times over. I'm a great uncle, as a matter of fact. Please welcome great uncle Paul of Tuckins. It's the great uncle Paul of Tuckins.

That would be great if like this, I don't wanna say latent to your career. I just mean you've been doing it a long time. You can say that. It's almost over. No, that's what I'm not want to say latent to your career. I just mean you've been doing it a long time. You can say that. It's almost over. No, that's what I'm not trying to apply. Trying to apply you've been doing. I'm trying to infer it and I'm succeeding.

You've been doing comedy a long time, but it would be great if you rebranded it as a great Uncle Paul Lipptum. I might as well, right? Just try it for three months. I might as well. I had a guy years ago, comedy is great for unsolicited advice. Yes. People love to tell you what you should do. And this is back when I was in Philly, and I had been doing Santa for a little while. And a guy told me that I

should go out wearing like an Aaron sweater and a cap and have a mug of beer and do like an Irish character. and have a mug of beer and do like an Irish character. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I think that person doesn't know how comedians construct their acts where they just go, yeah, just switch it up next time do this. And come up with a half hour of material. Just come up and do a character and create it out of whole cloth. No direction on what the material would be. I would imagine Irish style jokes. I guess Irish style jokes.

You know jokes about drinking, I would imagine. Like, exactly. Yeah. It's not a church. Not a bad idea, Paul. I know that we're scoffing at this guy. This incredible loser. Turn off the mix for a second.

Okay, I think they're off. I think I pushed the right button. Okay, sure. I'm gonna do this. Yeah. I'm glad I brought it up because as I'm talking it out, Troweloon, right?

Unintentionally, but now, I was laughing at that guy, but now I'm like, what's the great idea? Maybe we should be laughing with that guy at your act. Mm, wait, but are you laughing, and are you, No, I'm laughing with that guy with your act.

Okay. Oh, in the same room as the act, because I want to be there in the room while you do it. You're not going to download my special? I want to be at the taping, and then I also want to watch the special to see if like Hamilton. How the edit. You want to be able to wear an app? That was Eric Burrack. Hey, don't call me Hamilton.

All right, turn the mic's back on. Okay. Anyway, that guy was dumb. Yeah, boy, what a loser. That dude, I do remember that he took me, he had been doing comedy for longer than I had. He was a headliner. And he took me on the road with him to a bunch of gigs in the in the Midwest. And I had to watch him every night because I had to go up, it was just a tool. It's right to go up afterwards. It's the same.

That's our show everybody, good night. Wow. Yeah. What if that person said that's our show everyone, good night? That is interesting because I suggested that. And he said, no, I had to do it when I was coming up. So no, you have to do it.

But there's a better reason. There's a better way to do these things. Yeah, there's a better way, which is, you say goodnight, that's the end of our show because everybody liked you. Yeah. And don't make me sit through your act every single night. And then he was making me split the costs of gas

and the rental car. He didn't want to drive his own car, put the miles on it. So gas and the rental car. He didn't want to drive his own car, put the miles on it. So you got a rental car. Keep in mind, he was making, I think four times the money that I was making. Sounds fair. And he kept a running tally. So every time he filled the gas,

then he'd say, okay, now you owe me $85. Is he rich now, I hope? I don't think so. I'm taking advantage of young people. I don't think so? I don't think so. From taking advantage of young people. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't know if that was a good enough scam. But you learned a lot, right?

You learned a lot about the road. I learned, I did learn a lot by negative example, for sure. That's sometimes very useful. It's absolutely it is. Doesn't get enough credit. Yeah. Negative example. Exactly.

You're life being shitty and then you try to make other people's better. Not gonna do that. Yeah. Let me tell you about comedy bang bang and what it is. This is your first time listening. It is a comedy podcast. Okay.

What are podcasts? Can I say one more story about that? Sure. I love it. I'm trying to figure out who this guy is. Oh, it's nobody you know. And nobody you should. I know Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, then. This guy was a married comedian with a really wonderful wife that everybody loved, right? And he would cheat on her on the road. Boof. And one time the road. Yeah, it was easier that way, I think. Yeah.

Never back at home, you knew that. As far as I think he was, he at least was smart enough to not do that. Was he doing it brazenly in front of you? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. To the point where we ran into another comedian that we knew, and he ended up doing a guest set on the show.

Did we really? Did he make him stick around say goodnight? Armin Arm with you? No, no, but he, but this other comedian did hang around. And then afterwards, this other comedian was started flirting with the girl that the shitty comedian was flirting with

to cheat on his wife with. And then the shitty comedian was flirting with to cheat on his wife with. And then the other comedian ended up taking girl back to his hotel. And the first guy was angry at this. It was like, that's not cool. He was acting like brocoed had been violated. Wow. Boy, these are the types of stories that we tell on comedy bang bang.

It's all just about like comedians and life on the road. Oh, wait, no, no. Yeah, we like shoot the shit. We're bustin' balls. No, that's being at the table at the seller. Hold on, that's every other comedy podcast. Oh, yeah, that's right. Here's what we do on comedy bang bang.

We show videos of us doing crowd work. Yep. No, comedy bang bang is a comedy podcast. We've been doing doing it 15 years. I've mentioned that several times already. Yeah, no, if you don't know it, but essentially it's a tapping. I'm sorry. Did you say centrally? Oh, okay. Oh, someone's in the room. That's what's happening. You did not notice that at all. No, okay. Oh, someone's in the room. Yeah. That's what's happening. You did not notice that at all. No, okay.

I just kept I just kept. I kept. I kept hearing about coming in off the shelf. The Chris someone in all this year. Someone in a rain slicker has entered the room. Is doing a choreographed dance. choreographed dance. When you guys have time to choreograph this.

What are you holding? What is it? Well, I believe that's a sponsor of her podcast. Oh, I want that badly. Do you want one? You know what? Yeah, I do. Okay.

I don't think we're allowed to say what it is on our show because they're not a sponsor, but I believe the person who's in the room, who might will not identify? Has their own podcast and it is a sponsor and we got boxes and boxes and boxes of these. Anyone who comes into this room is somebody who has their own podcast. Is that strange? It's wild. It's like PCC podcast central. Okay, you split up the I split up the pod and I can't you put a hyphen I do yeah like spider-man She came in behind me that's part of the oh, I believe I got a text Saying unlock your office door gonna run stuff down to your freezer from the outside. Okay, great. Oh

It's on do not disturb though. You have to admit that's going to be coming up in several of these clips. Is it really? Oh, that's so good. I'm so glad. What are we doing today? We're counting down your choices for the top episodes of comedy bang bang unless this is your first episode that you're listening to. Then you have no horse in this race. If you voted on the episodes without every listening to them, that's wild. Hey, you know, a lot of people do it for president. You're a fucking lunatic and I love it. I love it.

You're you little weirdos out there, but we're going to be counting down the episodes that occurred in the tail end of 2022 and most of 2023 for all intents and purposes. We're calling it 2023. That's when they occurred. And how many are we doing this year, Paul? Oh, God, I hope it's 10. It is not. Nine. No, you're going the wrong way. Oh, no, 11. Still not even close. I'm gonna jump way up. 14. Nope. 15? Nope. Are you fucking? I'm not getting you, ball.

What's the most we've done prior to this? Probably 17, 18. We also had ones with a lot of bonus clips. Oh, yeah, the bonus clips. She's, Paul, come on, you little grinch. It's Christmas. I'm a big grinch. Don't you body shame me.

I'm sorry. I've never heard anyone say it called body shame I mean just say someone's body is little yeah, you know any are skinny. Yeah The grinch sucks by the way the great that guy talk about this at all. I can't stand him First of all he lives on top of a white is that a mountain or something like that? He lives in a cave on top of a mountain. Like caves are in like the woods. Stop putting them on the tops of mountains. Exactly.

Because that's prime real estate. Yeah. Mountain tops. Man, I'm supposed to be pointy. So I'm supposed to have a cave. I would love to sit in a chair next to the Grinch's mountain though. Yeah. And if you can get a picture where it encompasses,

like the top of the mountain is still visible, but also you sitting at the bottom. That'd be so great. Yeah, it'd be great. Does anyone do, you know the pictures picture where it encompasses, like the top of the mountain is still visible, but also you sitting at the bottom. That'd be so great. Yeah, it'd be great. Does anyone do, you know, the pictures of the leaning tower of pizza that everyone's always like trying to stuff in a sack or hold in their hands or- Stuff in a sack?

Have you not seen those pictures? The memes of people like putting the tower of pizza in like a sack. I have only seen people like trying to push it up. Yeah, or like hold it at the top and the bottom with their hands. I haven't seen that either trying to push it up. Yeah, or like hold it the top and the bottom with their hands. I haven't seen that either. It's very common, but I wonder if anyone does it with Mount Rushmore?

They should. Like putting their face next to the other faces or something like that, or on top of one of the faces, or like cutting out the eyes of like Abe Lincoln and having their eyes go through, or cutting out the whole face. Okay, now what are you talking about? You're talking about this in the picture?

Yeah, in the picture, it would be cool if like someone would cut out Abraham Lincoln's face and drill all the way to the back of the back of the back. Okay, so you're talking about the actual man. This is what I'm trying to get. Yes, okay. So to cut out, cut out just the eyes of Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah. And then the idea is you're going to put your eyes in there. Yeah. But then your eyes would be so little. Yeah. So you probably, you don't have to be able to want to get close to the camera. You have much closer to the camera while also being behind Abraham Lincoln. And then Photoshop the rest of your body out.

Is there anything behind the heads? Can you like walk around on there and look out? Yeah, I wonder if there's like a driving movie theater or anything behind there. That would be fun. Wouldn't that be cool to like they should show movies on Mount Rushmore? Yeah. Because then more people would go to it. Yeah, you know what I mean?

And then it's like that thing where if like so to say you're watching Lincoln. Yeah, oh that would be so fun. The only show movies that have those people in it, or people with those names in it. Yeah. So Dental Washington movies. Absolutely. And then if Dental Washington's face

lines up with George Washington's face, everybody cheers and hocks their horns. Yeah. Yeah. This is a good idea. Do you remember when we saw Joseph's drive in? Yeah. During COVID times.

Right. I just said you're going to need a bigger boat. Everyone hogs her. Well, we were all we were all we didn't even know that this was during the coven times when we didn't know that we could be outside and be okay. So we were all wearing masks and still six feet from each other. Yeah. Even at the drive in movie theater outdoors and because of Fauci that trader. All right, this is every other comedy podcast. That's right. Let's get to it, Paul. We need to get to it.

We're going to do. Wait, so how many are we doing? 16, my dear boy. Okay, I don't understand why he's 16, but okay. For a per episode, of course. Okay. You just seem exasperated by it. I just think like it's the, I think it's the,

we always do around it. It's almost like an OCD thing where it feels, 16 feels like a weird number and it feels wrong to me. Tens to few. I think 10 is not too few. But for four episodes, how do we break it up? Make the episode shorter? No, we've done this for now 15 years.

I should get longer and longer. No, it's exactly the same amount for the past 10 at least. What, I say, the amount of what? Same amount of time definitely for how long the episodes are, they don't vary. Doesn't feel like it. But I don't vary. No, but we always do about 14, between 14 and 15, 16, 14 and 15 16. Didn't used to be that way.

I think. I think. But what do I know? That's your opinion. Let's get to it. You have to get to it. We're going to be counting down your choices for the top 16 episodes. And let's get to it.

Let's start it off here with number 16. Number one, six. All right, so we have to, we have to just call it out. Yeah. We didn't record the numbers again. Okay, we are, I feel like this happens every year, Scott, where we besiege the listeners. Please remind us to record the numbers. And do it, do it early. I think we said it earlier and earlier in the listeners, please remind us to report the numbers.

And do it, do it early. I think we said it earlier and earlier in the year and then no one ever reminds us. I think this time it was June, we said please remind us. I think we may have gone even up to April or something this year, not a single person. Not a single person reminded us. So we just forgot.

Yeah, because we needed somebody to remind us. So they don't make alarm clocks for reminding someone to record best of numbers. No, if they did, I would buy it. I'd be either the first person in line of bedbath and beyond to buy that clock. And you know who would have invented it? That guy on the Guilded Age, I bet. Have you been watching the Guilded Age? I figured out the Guilded Age, by the way, with this last episode. I have no spoilers for it if you haven't watched it.

Go ahead. Guilded age is entourage. Everything works out for every character. It's true. Well, there's a little drama occasionally of like, is this going to work out? And then the last episode is everything works out for everybody. Yes. And like entourage, some of the people are just stone evil and things shouldn't work out for everybody. Yes. And like Entourage, some of the people are just stone evil,

and things shouldn't work out for them. Right. But they do. Remember the one good season of Entourage where... Nope. Where? I thought the interesting season was where Vinny was like losing popularity and couldn't get cast in movies.

And it was in an entire season arc where it was like, I think this guy might not be a movie star anymore. Maybe it's a start doing TV or something like that. And then the very last episode, everything was shitty for him. And the very last episode, Martin Scorsese comes in and goes, I want you to start my next movie.

And everyone goes, yeah! So, no. I don't know where. Was that the season where you had the drug problem? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Oh, I remember what I remember most about that is, and I think I watched every, I think I watched every episode except for the last season.

I don't think I watched the last season. I'm trying to look at you. Yeah. I wish I had no. Our good friend Hanjob was in there. Good for you, Hanjob. So there's a clip, there's a scene where he's on Jay Leno. And he's supposedly, he's acting so erratically,

and everybody's like, oh my God, this is a disaster. He's exactly the same. He's like, hey Jay. Anyway, here's how it's so weird. It was so weird. I thought it was going crazy. This is the way this guy always is, right? And everybody else is acting like,

like, what's happening to him? What's happening to Vinnie? Vinnie Chase? Is that a thing? He was Queen's Boulevard. He was Queen's Boulevard. He can't argue with that Paul. Then he was Medine and then he was Aquaman. So why do I, I mean, I did watch All of Entourage

and it was strangely just comforting to watch a show where everything just worked out for the main character because it's like wish fulfillment. You want everything to work out for your own life. Yeah, but why did it have to be those guys? I know, but now Guilded Age is very similar in a lot of ways where the characters were going through a lot of upheaval in the last few episodes and then the very last episode

just Deus Ex Machina, everything was okay for everyone again. Yeah, absolutely. Um, why is it better with that? Is it because there are great New York stage actors in that? Yeah, maybe. And I'm sure I've starred those guys. Maybe, yeah, because and also because from an age where all those people are long dead,

you don't know anybody like that. Yeah. And um, and where are best friends or big huge movie stars? Yeah, exactly. And so it's, yeah, it takes away from it a little bit. But my favorite thing about the Guilded Age is hands down Nathan Lane. Yeah, and I would,

you, you, you, you. I would murder someone to play that role on that boring out show. Well, now I've hold it, the playing around. And I love it. I love now I've hold it to hone around. I love it. I love it. The opera will not so pee.

He's chewing the scenery and I love it. The fucking crazy ass mustache. It's so great. It's so good. But I've said this before, an entire season long arc this year was about can a guy fix his alarm clock. Yeah. And it would be just when you forgot all about it,

because they would spend 10 seconds on it, per episode. And then at one point, the alarm clock goes off. Yes. And it was the most, the closest you could come to, something being satisfying on that show. Yeah, it was, and paid off in a wonderful way, but what we're trying to say is there is no alarm clock for...

Yeah, this is all to say there's no alarm clock to remind you when to record things. Yes. And they should make one. And we would, you know what, we would buy it, but without that, it is up to you, dear listener. To remind us. To remind us.

To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us.

To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us.

To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. To remind us. February 28th. 29th this year, I'll even say. 28th. Shouldn't they make a leap year version though in case there is a 20. Well, they should, but I don't think we're going to need it.

But it's for other people who need to record count down numbers. Sure. But you don't think we should extend this deadline till the 29th? I don't think so. I think that... I think that if we have the clock, and you have precious little time to invent it, I think that if we have the clock, and you have precious little time to invent it, yeah, if we have the clock,

we will absolutely record them. And it goes off on the 28th. It goes off on the 28th. We'll record them on the 29th. What or you can have like yeah or radio station your favorite radio station or likes like Vin Diesel say like okay now I only want to accept it if Vin Diesel in vent the clock this year you have two months to do it yeah and it doesn't have to be the it is the door locked did you lock the the door? Uh, no, of course I did not. But we have some, we have some good news here. Uh, Paul, you know, I thought it was the

same person because of the same raincoat. The exact same raincoat, but no, it's two different people. And I will not identify this person either. No, there are, I didn't know you will be protected, but, but of course they have a podcast. Some good news, Paul, you forgot or I shouldn't say forgot, but you forgot where you put it. I, well, we did some, we did some clearing out of the garage, which entailed taking everything out of the garage, getting rid of some stuff, putting the remainder of the stuff back in the garage, but so you threw away stuff that was in the garage. Yes. Like your car and. Oh my God, yes. We had a two car garage.

That took up so much ruin your garage. Yeah, now that you can walk around in there. Oh, man. But in the putting back of things, they were put back, Higgledy Piggledy, and so there was an item that is in there somewhere, but I couldn't tell you where. It's definitely in there, but I could not find it in time. And that of course was the Christmas snowman

from the famous Christmas snowman game. That's right. And you let me know this with mere minutes before the recording was going to start. It was great shame and bitterness in my heart that I had to tell you. And this person, Unnamed to hero,

unnamed to hero came to the rescue. Look, it's Mark Wahlberg. Oh, yeah, he he was, he didn't get the chance to be the hero on 9-11 and on that plane and stop 9-11. So he was looking for an opportunity to be a hero. That's in. So he went out and bought another Christmas snowman. Yes.

Scott and Scott called him interrupted his rosary. And he said, let me just get prayed up and then I will go and get the snowman. Yes. Scott called him interrupted his rosary and he said, let me just get prayed up and then I will go and get the snowman. Did you watch his reality show? No. I did. It was COVID.

We had nothing else to do. It was COVID, we had nothing to do. But we have the snowman. We're going to be playing it at the end of each episode. So this is very exciting. Thank you very much, really appreciate it. We have to get to this clip Paul. We simply have to. By the way, one thing I did want to say about the numbers. The good news this year. These are the same numbers we've been using now. Classic numbers for 15 years. Yeah. The good news this year for one five years.

The good news this year is there's someone who's been writing to me every year saying like, Hey, why don't you officially license these numbers? It's relatively cheap and but it always happens after we've already recorded it and we're on Christmas vacation. And for some reason, I did remember that there was not an alarm clock invented to remind me of that. But I, it's, it, I was reminded of it before we started these best ofs and our producer Kimmy reached out and we have officially licensed the numbers retroactively for the entire the entirety of what does that mean? Meaning that someone many moons ago recorded these numbers

yeah and we just downloaded them on the internet right? I believe one of our original producers just found them on on a website and we've been using them now so very sketchy and There was a lot of malware and spyware Somehow Someone now has they just wrote to me they have a video of me masturbating And I had to give them several Bitcoin in order to take it down off the internet.

They're the only way. But we have officially licensed these numbers. We can use them now. They're we it's retroactive and we can use them in perpetuity. Wait, so you were losing using them illegally before? Is that man? Don't be a fucking artist. I'm not.

We just found them on the internet and they were just there. You know, like a lot of things. I just found this diamond necklace in the jewelry store. When people say you wouldn't steal a car just by touching a button. Yeah, you fucking would. That's the easiest way to do it. Right now you have to break into it and hotwire it. In any case, we're all good on the numbers. Just in case you don't invent these alarm clocks

that have Vin Diesel's voice telling us to re-record the numbers. Would be weird. So we have these for for them. No, it would be weird if you didn't invent that clock. Yeah, it would be very strange if you didn't because you have two months to do it and to contact Vin Diesel and to get him to record. Or forget the record of the number. Hey. Is that a good fit? Are you a brute? No, I am a brute.

Anyway, I am a brute. Let's get to it. This is number 16. Number one, seats. This is, let me explain the format of comedy bang bang, because this always is someone's first episode that they're listening to Comedy bang bang is me as the host, Scott Aquaman, and we usually have a celebrity on the um, uh, no

I mean, you are certainly one letter of a celebrity Not maybe not a list, but why list? Hey, why list this? But we have a usually a celebrity on to as themselves to promote something. Of course, during the strike that was harder and harder, we had a lot of authors and podcast hosts. We'll have a celebrity on. And then the succeeding guests are comedians playing characters, usually insane people,

eccentric, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, sometimes impressions of real people. And these are comedians doing it. And the entire show is improvised. We never talk about what we're going to talk about beforehand. And we just spin that into podcast gold. The entire show is improvised. We never talk about what we're gonna talk about beforehand. And we just spin that into podcast gold. That's right. And so what you're going to be hearing over these episodes

are a series of clips from these episodes where sometimes we'll be talking to the celebrities and sometimes you'll be hearing comedians as other people. So that's, I just wanted to get that very clear. Now, 50 minutes into the episode. Damn. Oh. All right.

This is episode 16. This is episode 839. Ooh, mid 800's almost. Yep. And this is from November 19, 2023. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Backing our top 16, this was a little episode called O-Be-Have. O-Piriad-Be-Piriad-Have. Not to have, which reads like O-Be-Have. Yeah.

Until you hear the episode. This was our first episode back after the strike, which meant stars are back. That's right. That's right. We had a follow period from the summer until where Jimmy Fallow was on. Yes. Jay Lallow. I don't even know what I'm saying.

So stars were back. Our old friend John Ham, whom I had reached out to maybe a month before the strike ended and said, hey, do you want to come on bang, bang to do to promote Fargo? And he said, I can't. I was like, Oh, right. The strike. You forgot? I mean, for some reason I forgot. I just saw Fargo was coming out and I'm like, let me get John on the show thinking, I'll get my friend, John, not, you know, sag actor, John. But the minute the strike was over, he wrote back and said, like, let's do it. And he fitted into his busy press schedule. Uh, it's always great to have him on the show. He was one of, also one of our first, uh, people to be on 15 years ago. He's been on many episodes.

Uh, so we'll hear a little bit from John on this clip. Uh, and then we will hear comedian Drew Tarver that, uh, people may know from the television show, the other two. Uh, he's playing a new character music festival expert Jesse. So let's hear it. This is your number 16 number one. Six. I cannot wait.

I cannot wait to see Fargo a big fan of the show. And cannot wait to see you in it. Thank you. It may take me out of it a little bit because we're friends. I listen, I can talk about it. This is the John Ham guarantee. You might have that experience 10, 15 seconds of like, Hey, that's my friend, John. That's cool.

And then 17 seconds later, you're gone. You're in it. You're in Fargo. I will tell you, whoever this guy is that's talking at you, he's gonna scary a little bit. He's not, he's certainly not, he feels he's above the law from where I hear. No, sir, you're like, this guy might go rogue and I'm a little, I'm a little scared. I will say that to the point where you might text me and go like, everything, are we cool? Are we, are we all right? Because you're scary and you're scared.

Because you're scared. Even though I don't recognize you anymore. It is a testament to both you and Bob Odin Kirk's acting that even though I know you guys well, I have lost myself in your characters in all of your shows. So and it's not like that with some people. I mean, any any number of people that I know if they pop up in a show, I'll suddenly start to look at the sets and the props and realize that they all have sides, you know, that they're sitting on underneath the couch and stuff like that. But you with you, I've definitely done that a couple of times where you see something

in somebody's back pocket and you're like, I know that's those are sides. I know that's a phone and I know that those are sides. And this is Game of Thrones. They shouldn't have either one of them. As a thing, and we've talked about with Amy Pol or like, if you any TV show, just realize that everyone is sitting on pages with lines on them. 100%.

One layer under whatever things are on the desk. They're hiding them somewhere. Let's get to our next guest. He's an expert. This is exciting. I've never talked to an expert on this show before, but please welcome to the show for the first time, Jesse. How we doing? How are you? We're doing good. I mean, at least I'm doing good. I don't want to speak for Johnny.

Oh, I'm John. How are we doing? Thanks. Yeah, stars are back. Stars are back on the show. We're back. You almost said we're back. I was worried. I changed it very quickly. I am not a star. You're not. They're back. I, I, to be frank, when I saw your face, I was like, has he been at the star of major movies and television shows? No, a lot of people say I looked like a melted version

of a real celebrity. Sort of a, sort of a mad-of-two-sows accident. Right. Although, like, Harry Dean Stanton, he sort of looked like a melted version. Rest in peace. Rest in peace, of course. RIP, I'm blanking on what his face looks like.

You're like, you're in between a celebrity and Harry Dean stand. There we go. You're just melted enough. Between celeb and Dean stand. Okay. How we do it? You don't need to keep asking us that. We're doing all right.

Still good. Still good. I will keep checking in. Because it'll change quick. It may. Yeah, it may. It's about to change keep checking in. Because it'll change quick. It may, yeah, it may. It's about to change right now if you don't get to your thing. And that's, that's true.

You are going to be angry if I don't set up this premise. Okay. Well, I am an expert and I am an expert on music festivals. Music festivals. I have been to all of them and I love them. Let's list them. Coachella, the rest. The rest. And I'm glad that you skipped the rest

because mine is only about Coachella. Oh, okay. But there's all a polluted. There's outside lands. Sure. Glasses and rice, glass, glass, and tree, bum, yes. Yes, yes.

Yeah. I feel like at some point when they started just going, making those names. I know. After all, a polluted all of them. Bumper, drum, bingledore, Buckel, bocky, bue. Yeah. Buckel, bocky, bueledong, Bockel, Bucky, Bue. Yeah, Bockel, Bucky, Bue.

Dumbledore. Dumbledore is a good one. But I am excited for this year's Coachella, and I have all of the recommendations that you're going to want to go. Okay. Oh, because I don't think the lineup has been hasn't been there. You inside inside inside. I have inside info. Oh,

tell us. I get out in one of the port of potty's last year, and they packed me away, took you to the office where they make all these decisions. And I'm a couple floors below where they make the decisions. Oh, wow. So I have been hearing a lot of cool stuff. Tell us.

I mean, yeah, this, I mean, Coachella is usually in April. That's right. And it's coming up. There's two weekends in April, April. And this year you have to see Maggie Rogers. Okay. Maggie Rogers is going to be there. She made your Rogers has been there a couple of times.

She has and she's back and she's going to be at the Dyson Vacuum 360 stage. And it's going to be very fun. It's interesting. Yes. And don't leave too early because when you leave, you will be able to walk out of there with a few Dyson bags. And I know those are bagless back you, but they're bringing back back. They're bringing back bags to the

way you have to carry your vacuum in something. And that would be a Dyson bag. Yeah, it's not the bags that go inside them. It's a more carrying dust. It's the carrying. Sure. Like a travel case, a travel case. You don't want to get your vacuum dirty.

No. And if you're traveling to a very dusty place, you're going to need that back. You need a dust. You never know where you're headed. And you want to have your guys. You do know where you bought the plane ticket. Sometimes I'll show up to the airport and I got no ice. Surprise me.

Surprise. I just been the way. Surprise me. Do they always send you the most expensive place? Yeah. TSA loves that, right? Absolutely. Don't go where you're going. They fully kill me.

Right there. Are you a ticket counter? Are you in debt right now? Yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Yes. Now, to Dyson choose to sponsor this particular stage

because they want everybody to vacuum up the desert. That, yeah. That's what we're hearing. That's a solution that no one has ever talked about. It's like there's all these. There's a problem that probably deserts wouldn't have water. Just vacuum it all up.

We're taking it higher. Dusty. We don't need, we could clean these things up. These deserts. And why don't we sweep the floors in California? So there aren't so many floors. For a solution. I think we should start sweeping the floor.

Wax and the fence. Yes. Painting the fence. And then maybe wax on or wax on. Nobody takes care of anything anymore. That's right. What he does it. Wait, but you're here to talk about Coachella. You're not sure. I'm off on a chunk about nobody taking care of

anything. You're right. I think that's a fun little side thing that maybe we could find something. Now Mr. Rogers' daughter Maggie is performing. I did not know that. That's an interesting piece of trivia that she has, Mr. Rogers. Well, she comes on stage, she takes off her shoes and her card again and then she does her music. So it's pretty cool. Anyway, by the way, about Mr. Rogers, thank God he was wearing a shirt underneath that

card. I would have been a very different show. That would have been so different. Can you imagine episode one? He takes off his card again. He's just talking to children with a pump of the fair chest. Yeah, that wouldn't have been right. But guys, Fred Rogers. Fred, hey, we takes up his cardigan, he's just talking to children with a pump of the fair chest. Yeah, that wouldn't have been right.

But guys, Fred Rodger, Fred, hey, we got a card of notes. It's Steve from PBS. We got a couple notes. Oh, you want me to take off the pants? Yeah. No, no, we didn't say what we'd like. And then just hear us out is just maybe a t-shirt or some other layer under the cardigan. Yeah, real quick.

Do you guys know if there's a holester nearby and if they're having a sale on underwear and I need to buy the biggest loose boxers I could find? What? There even no way the holester is. I guess that's a antiquated reference sort of like a sort of a real lost me a holester for the for the new era. Why do these underpants need to be so big? You know, you know, I'm that type of guy that wears jeans in his box who's kind of right up and pillowcue you to the top. Way up top. You know that guy.

Is there a name for that sort of puffy part of the boxer? There should be. There should be. Because if you want to get a basically call that the nimbus. The nimbus. You want a nimbus if you want to be a cool guy. Just overflowing like when you order soup and they deliver it and you're porting a bowl and you're like holy shit

This is gonna go over the top of the bowl. Yeah, it's up given a so much soup That this is the thing. I'll pay for it even if it's less or give me the soup and give me the little milkshake cup off the side with The soup and that's your solution or give me the soup and then buy me new balls. They're big. Yeah Should I go back to the bit or should we talk about soup? I don't know I don't really know to be honest. It's a coin flip at this point. Listen, you don't want to miss Calvin Harris this year. He will be there. And then you want to grab a beer at the off-bugs spray ballers only lounge. You're going to love it there. I can love it there. Okay. What is the off-bugs? Oh, I know it all. Off-bugs spray. Off-bugs spray. I thought this was like off Broadway. We're

connected. Well, it is. Yeah. and the lounge is only for ballers. Ballers only. Oh, okay. Yeah, so it's your cool, and you also hate mosquitoes. This lounge is perfect. For sure. And you're clearly cool if you're coming from that calvets. Yeah, it's not his real name, by the way.

Really? No. What's his actual name? Something else. And Hobbs. Austin Powers. O B. Hey, Oh,

B. Hey, There's a really good network. I love that network. You're going to want to get VIP. Oh, really? You are going to want to. What's going on?

This I know. Well, you get access to a fake book marketplace golf cart. And that's going to be very fun for you. Oh, what? I blew it. All I had to do was say Facebook. You said fake book. You said fake, spook,

fake, spook, and I blew it. You get misplaced something ever so slightly in its book. And it just ruins it. Well, it makes you honest. Facebook's marketplace. Yes, you, which is a, which is a marketplace that only sells fake books. Right.

Interesting. So like we're talking Moby Dick, but it ain't right. Moby Dick, there's no way I'll let you know. There's no way I'll let you know. It's just about penis. Just about penis. Yeah, it's mostly about a penis. A vegan penis.

Yeah. The first line call who we have? Exactly. There's so much. Oh, it first line call who a have exactly. There's so you should make no way to do it. But yeah, one of the famous opening I pull the fake books. You fake book that right, right? Quick. But first line is I dated Natalie Portman and it's all about Moby's dick. Yeah, they can buy a run of that new story. You should be an MTV VJ. I remember these things. Pull in trivia like that. Yeah, the Facebook

golf card is really awesome because on there, you can get a free neck tattoo of your favorite big tech CEO. Feel free to look down at your notes the entire time instead of trying to maintain eye contact and then messing up all of your punts lines. But I want to look up as well. You know we're not on camera, right? I can't figure out if I should improvise or do a written thing. And you're hard to go back and forth between the two. You're somewhere in between in the middle of a sentence.

Somehow I'm doing neither well. And Scott this year, Mescal butt plugs are back. Oh, thank God. Okay, Amber, go away. No, they were not there last year. Fair enough. We're upset. So go ahead and shove some smoky alcohol up your butt so you don't miss any of Diplos set. Okay.

What do you have next on this list? What do I get? Let's see what I get. Feel free to look. Time is here. Okay. Time is going to be there. That great. It's been a while since they've had line coach. I know. And they are back. If you love singer songwriters, you're going to love them. And then right at the end of their set, they are going to throw their keyboard player. God damn it. You were trying to maintain eye contact. So hard to prove you can do it. So quick.

Don't care. It's not blown. The punchline isn't blown yet. They're gonna throw their keyboard player through the window of a Tesla Cybertruck to see if it breaks. So that's really exciting. That's not one of the three-hime girls though.

It's just there. No, no, no, no, it's another person who plays the keyboard. Okay, good. Also, this year, you get three free pukes in any Uber Excel. Oh, amazing. So that's exciting. Okay. It's really exciting.

Yeah, it's got real quick. Do you have any parrot Bay? Parrot Bay, what is parrot Bay? It's like, it's a liquor that's a rum. Like a rum? Yeah, I don't believe I have any parrot Bay on me. So I can't get a parrot Bay meat right now. No.

All right, cool. Just thought I'd check real specific order. I think that one you didn't fuck up. I think that I've, um, let's see. Guys, before Sam Smith hits the stage, look, can you just do one more and do it strong and just read it the entire time? Okay. Okay. Let me pick. I like where you're going to Sam Smith. You did like that. Yes. I think that's all right. I do. Is that the one you're going to end with? Okay. I do look down at it. Do not look at us. Say everyone. I want to connect though. We don't. It feels like the connection is the is the problem. Yeah, I think just be reading.

Yeah, maybe maybe you're getting lost in Scott's eyes. Yeah, you're right. He's got those baby blue. It's John was doing 16 pages a day. You can't even do one line. I can't do a thing. All right. Before Sam Smith hits the stage, microdose while you sign up

for TSA pre-check in the US Department of Homeland Security. You that word? You hit our eyes at the very end of it when you were happy. You had the all of it. Real quick. Yeah. Can I get some yellow shots up there?

No, that we can do. Number one, seats. Ah, there we go. Obehave. What can be said? What can be said about Obehave other than very funny, Drew is an insane person True a little later after that clip in the episode if you go back and listen to the entire episode Ryan Gal

Is on it as Doug Grope's always a pleasure to have Ryan. He's very sane. Yes Go back and listen to Ryan Gal's episodes if you want to hear his number, that's people still call him and text him on every single day. He tries to give it out once per episode. Does he really? He delightly he does. Yeah. Wow. All right.

We're going to take a break. Our first break of the episode, we're going to take a break. And when we come back, we're going to hear your episode 15. This is very exciting. Paul, I need you to get your excitement level up. I'm there! Okay, we'll be right back. I'm there.

I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. Comedy Bang Bang, best of 2023 part one. We are back, Paul, if Tompkins is here with me. That's right, I am. And we just heard episode 16 and Paul, you know what comes next.

Death. Soon enough for us all, but no. Actually, we're going to be, we're counting down this year, by the way. We're not doing 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, we're counting down. Oh, I thought, yeah, I was gonna say, why do we start at 16?

If we're gonna go up to 100. We're counting down, so we can only do now episode number 15. Number one, five. All right, episode 15, this is episode 787. A lot of people hated this one. Yeah. That's any episode. It's very strange that it made the top 16.

So the last one that we had was 839. This is 787 This is from December 4th of 2022, which I know it's confusing. We're doing the best of 2023. What's December 4th doing there? That is our Because when we record this that so we do it from Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving. Take it up with the judge. Yeah, judge Edo. Judge Lance Edo. Or, or, look, take it up with one of the dancing Edos. I don't care. Whatever happened.

They were good. They were good. What if they're a good troop? You think they stayed together? It would be great to watch so you think you can dance. Yeah. And the fucking dancing Edos come out. They were some of the originators of the game.

Yeah, it's true. It's true. Why don't they get enough respect? Why don't we see tributes to them on the Grammys? Where's their star in the walk of fame? Yeah. Okay, this is from December 4th, 2022. It is a or an episode called Nature, Neachie.

Hmm. Paul would have surprised you to learn that you're in this episode. called nature, nurture, nichey. Paul would have surprised you to learn that you're in this episode. It would because a title, a title meant nothing to me. A title meant nothing to me. Okay, well, what is this? This is an episode that our friend Christian Brune was on. Christian, of course, we got to know, he's an actor that we got to know when he was on orphan black. He and Tatiana Maslani came to see us in San Diego wearing a teenage mutant Ninja Turtles costumes as a disguise. So they wouldn't be bothered. He is a graduate of the

King of Prussia military academy. That's right. And he had a, uh, uh, uh, uh, after orphan black, he had a role on some Canadian show called, uh, uh, uh, major billing boo or something. What was it? It was, he, it's called midsummer murders. And he played non-hears the artful detective. Right. He played Constable, John Stable. Yes. And, um And currently, sorry, Murdoch, mystery, mid-somewhere murders is something else. That's right. Currently, he is on a show called The Recruit, which I believe is a Netflix show. Very enjoyable show. He came and talked to us all about. He also plays Constable John Stable on that show. It's a spin off.

It's like how Richard Belzer played. Yeah, a bunch. Yeah. It's a spin off. It's like how Richard Belzer played. Yeah, munch. Yeah. So this episode was when the recruits first premiered. He came on to talk about it. And then after that, we'll hear from Santa Claus. But Paul, you've done Santa Claus many times on the show, including just this week, you played him in two CBB world episodes. You played him on. I played him in two CBB world episodes. Scott hasn't seen and Hines. I'm proff to meet you. I also played him on the Andy daily. Oh, you did. But I've been at his for a bananza. And I think that's it. And Santa Claus, you've been doing him now for, I wanna say eight years maybe somewhere on there.

I think so. He's very gruff. He's certainly, he's jolly. I don't need to explain the concept of Santa Claus to you, but jolly in a mean way. In a meaner than jolly way. That's true. So you told me to introduce you as Santa Claus. I remember this.

But then there is a little surprise. It is not in fact Santa Claus. It's another character that Paul does portraying Santa Claus. That's right. This is a character that you would debut earlier in the year on tour. This is a character called Major Bob. That's right. Major Bob driver. And tell us about Major Bob driver. Major Bob driver, of course, was inspired by Tom Hanks's portrayal of Colonel Tom Parker in the movie Elvis. And I was so tickled by this very strange performance that was not at all true to what the man sounded like in any way. It's like the direct opposite of what he sounded like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, to be a successful con man as Colonel Tom Parker was, you couldn't sound like a weird Dutch guy, which he did not. He sounded, he sounded American. That's how he was able to do it. But I think Tom Hanks, like he's at this point in his career where he's like,

I'm tired of talking like Tom Hanks. Yeah. Let me talk like a weirdo. Yeah, yeah. And so he figures out a Let me talk like a weirdo. Yeah. And so he figures out a way to talk like a weirdo other than in a man, of course, called Otto. Yeah. Which by the way, if you just hear that title,

yeah, don't you think it's about a guy who thinks he's a car? You're saying you don't read it. Yeah, if you just hear someone talking about this movie. But I don't think he thinks he's a car. I think other people think he's a car. And he's going crazy. Like, I'm not a car! Something's getting me!

I'm trying to drive me. That's not my stick shift. Willy! But I'm an Colorado, of course. Scott and I, it's our joint favorite film. Yes, yes. Can we share it? Yes, it's too good of a film to just for one of us to have.

A lot of our favorite stuff we'll say, no, that can't be your favorite. It's too good of a film to just for one of us to have. A lot of our favorite stuff we'll say, no, that can't be your favorite. It's very much sibling rules. That can't be your favorite because it's my favorite. Exactly. And I'm older, so I get to dig dig dig dig. So this is we'll first hear from Paul playing major Bob playing Santa. And then in between the clips, Matt Gourley comes in as a character named teen Geiger. You'll hear a little bit of him in the next clip, which is a section from Lisa Gilroy as a character named Pionus Pilates. So let's hear it. This is your episode 15. Number one five. Well, the recruit is out December 16th on Netflix. We, Christian, it's great to have you.

Would it surprise you to learn that we have to get on to our next guest? It would not surprise me. I know how this goes. I'm surprised you gave me this much time. I'll just leave now. No, Mr. Grant, we really know we want you here. Oh, okay, great.

Yeah, because you know, it is the beginning of December. Yeah. You know what that means? Snow. Yeah, I counted up. Come on, Big Bear, they got snow in California. Sure. You can famously surf and ski in the same day.

I have lived here for, I moved back here in 1994. So I lived here for almost 30 years. I've done that every day. Yeah. I thought I had my own it shows. You've got the body of a surfer and a skier. I spend $5,000 in gas every week. Yeah, the price of gas. Do you want to talk about that? Oh, thank you. Oh, we have to get to our next guest. It is December. We know what that means. It's time for the old bowl of jelly belly himself.

Oh, what? No. That's right. Santa Claus is here. No! Welcome Santa Claus. Oh ho ho. What a pleasure to see you all at this Christmas time. Oh hi Santa. Oh ho. Hi Santa Claus. Yeah. Hello. Hello my boy. Oh ho ho. Hi. Hi Santa Claus. How are you? Thank you. Yes. Are you six Santa Claus? No, I've never felt better. Oh, so you've been sick every other time I've talked to you. Yeah Perhaps I mean I do usually see you in December so cold and flu season you might say that I am a new man You did hold there Yeah, so with the others for an affectation. Catchphrase. Oh, God, I got it.

Everyone loves it. The man did that. I was like when Borat literally says my wife. Oh, my wife. He said the reverse to his wife. And everyone's like, OK, that's something that I've been doing. Sometimes Borat is legitimately referring to his wife. Yeah, the times he does what he's doing.

Oh, oh, oh. But listen, I came here to talk about Christmas. Oh, God. Well, it's coming up. Oh, yes, it is. My busy time of year when I deliver the toys to all the Christian boys and girls. I mean, it really is.

It's one day a year. So you can't say like December is your busy season, necessarily. It's just one day when I have to make the toys, don't I? Well, yeah, but I'm, you're only doing it in December. That's very rushed with all of it. Well, really need to be doing that a little more often. Listen, I listen. Yeah. I'm glad you're bringing this up because it's time to talk about some changes being made to Christmas. Oh, changes. Yes. Is this like the, I believe the MLB is not going to have umpires next year? Like, does Christmas change?

No, that's the same. We will still not have umpires next year? Like, does Christmas change your career? No, that's the same. We will still not have umpires. Oh, Christmas. That would be terrible if you went downstairs because you're gonna get your presents. There was an umpire there going, you're out of here. In the umpires, we don't have, we'll still be wearing their signature chess pants. And will they have the, what is it, the FTV?

What was it, those patches that they wore? I don't know, and I don't care. They wore all that, during the World Series, they wore those patches for that to a crypto thing. Yes, I know. I don't care. They were all the during the World Series. They were those patches for that. So, crypto things. I know. I don't want to talk about on Pires because they have nothing to do with Christmas. Oh, but I was talking about them. Yes, and I don't want to do that. Okay. Well, come on, my boy. I am your guest. Okay, let's talk about what you want to talk about. Yes. So, this year for Christmas, there's a new policy in place and that if you want to get the Christmas gift that you asked for from Santa Claus, who is me, it's a mere eight dollars.

Oh, and then you absolutely get the present that you want. Oh, if you don't pay any dollars, you get something. Oh, eight dollars, well, I mean, eight dollars, it's kind of like paying the tax, I guess, if you win a car, it's a price. Exactly. Well, it depends on the size of the gift. I mean, if it's a really big gift, if it's a car, like a real car,

which children don't get cars for Christmas. Yeah, but what about adults who still believe in Santa Claus? Yeah, you see the kid not allowed. Why do they make those huge bows if Santa doesn't give parts? That's for rich people, my boy. What kids have $8 to pay for this though? This service. Well, we'll find out, won't we?

I don't know. No, this is a good business model. How are they supposed to get the $8? You saw the business model. Santa gives gifts, but if you want to get the thing you want, it will cost you $8. Okay. How do they get the $8 to you? They send it to Santa Claus, North Pole, care of Major Bob Driver, Los Angeles, California,

90125. Sorry, sorry. Couldn't quite hear what you just... Santa Claus! Oh, is that a North Pole? Oh, got it. Major Bob Driver. Speak up a little bit on this stuff. Major Bob Driver. Is that a recording bit on this stuff. Major Bob driver. He's been recording.

He's not. Major Bob driver. Maybe that's what I said. I mean, you were very quiet, so it was hard to hear, but Major Bob driver, that's a weird thing that you would say, that name, because that's. He's merely part of the address, my boy. That's my manager.

Is it? Yeah, Major Bob driver. Well, your career is thriving, my boy, so's my manager. Is it? Yeah, Major Rob Driver. Well, your career is thriving, my boy, so he must be very good at his job. Interesting. Yeah, we spoke to him in New York City. New York City. It's reflective, isn't it?

It's strange that the biggest city in the world can have, you just mentioned it, and then that pops it everyone's head. He's that company still leaving the business. I don't know, what was it, Chile? I could pay for Conte. I believe it is. I couldn't even tell you what it was for.

And yet I remember that. It was a bunch of cowboys who are outraged at the idea that they're salsa with something. Your city or something. Macroly here, get a rope. That's me asking you to get a rope. Anyway kids, send in your $8 to Santa Claus and you will get the gift that you want. Santa, where did you get this idea from?

With this $8 idea from? It just came to me. I mean, an innovator. It sounds very familiar to something that's happened recently. That's all. Nope. I, if it doesn't. Oh very familiar to something that's happened recently. That's all. Nope. Hi. Oh, it doesn't.

Oh, okay. Not to center clause. Oh, I am. Okay. Santa, you're a... That's my boy. You're beard. Seems to be a different color that I normally...

Every time you've gone, have you been dying your beard? Or what is it? What color do you remember it be well it was always this Christmassy snowy white yes this is it looks like it has yellow stain like cigarette stain yeah like around the mustache area I've taken up smoking I am immortal why not what was I doing not smoking it's good All right. Sometimes I drink poison for fun. Oh, he's in front. He is fun.

You see the little skeleton crossbones on the bottle? And you know that's not going to be me. That's like liquid death. The water brand. Too scary. Too scary. Well, yeah, it's just your whole appearance. I mean, you're still quite corpulent.

Jolly. Jolly, okay, yeah, that's code. I see that on audition breakdown. Jolly. Yeah, Jolly. Or skipped gym day. I've literally seen that on a pre-dum. Yeah.

I can watch that one day. That one day would have paid off But you're in your clothes. I mean What are they not red? They are red, but it's not the traditional Santa Claus. No, I mean, it's just a red t-shirt But red it is red. Yeah, and my beard is mostly white Yeah, Santa Claus he and I we are the same. Look, I'm just going to cut to the chase because the chases are fun. And that's when you're watching a movie,

you got to sometimes wish. Yeah, no, you cut to the right. Got it. I knew a filmmaker who once killed your darling was cut to a chase and he took out all the empty parts of the cat. Look, I'm just going to yank on your beard. Okay. Okay. That's a yank thought it's so hard. It's not on my face anymore. Yeah. Well, then a yank.

Look, this is a fake beard. Okay. I see the tag here. It says machine washable, which I don't know why you're not taking it to buy. Yeah. It's filthy. Look, it's my first day. Your first day of Santa Claus.

Ah, look, I, you have a bear face right now. I see who you are. You're my bear is the day I was born, my boy. It's as bear as a baby's butt. Oh, which I had when I was born. Yes, that's right. But speaking of butts, you're obviously my manager, major Bob driver.

Hello, my boy. What a pleasure. It is to see major Bob. Greetings of the season to you. Yes, I'm a lot of the musicians. Many hamburgers to you. Many hamburgers to you. Have you got to hate Penny?

I haven't. If you haven't got to hate Penny, then God bless you. What are you doing here pretending to be Santa Claus, mate? Well, my boy, you know there are many ups and downs in the show business game. And sometimes it's wise to invest your money and diversify. And so I have taken over the Santa Claus operation from Santa Claus. You've taken it over. Yes.

And it's proving to be a very challenging business. And so I am trying to figure it out as I go along and make the best of it, make improvements, improvements, everything is better now. Well, major Bob, I mean, I know that last year you were out there mouthing off about Santa Claus and how you could do so much of a better job. And how you were going to finally free all the presents from the tyranny of what Santa Claus is doing. That's right. And then I said, I'm just kidding. And then Santa stuck went way down. And then I was, and then it became legal where I was forced to sort of take over Santa Claus. You legally had to take over the Santa Claus. I legally had to because I was forced to sort of take over the Santa Cule. You legally had to take over the Santa Cule. I legally had to because I was affecting the business

with my mouth. Okay. Oh boy. Yeah, so it's not going well then. It's, I'm innovating, it's going better than ever. It's challenging, but fun. Is it fun? It's fun.

Wow. You're, I can really feel that. So hard right now. Having fun. And I think there are like lightning bolts coming out of your eyes. People will be happy with the new Santa Claus operation, which is that you pay $8 to get your verify present. Also, you cannot make fun of me.

If you are writing a song about Santa Claus, you can say that I am fat, you can say that I am old, you can say that I wear glasses. Because wear glasses, just near sightedness is, you can't, by I am old, you can't say that I wear glasses, because wear glasses, just near sighted this is, you can't, by the way, if you are, they watch it. If you are a moron, why do you have bad eyes? Yeah, and here's another question,

when you became Santa Claus, I mean, do you get his magic? Oh, no, my boy. Okay, you do see this as well as going on. You're still a moron. Yes, and I could die any moment. Oh, I'm feeling heart attack coming on. If you don't think my idea is good.

Oh, no. Please, not that. Oh, please, my boy, who takes the mantle if you die? I can't really discuss that. I'm ever going to attack at the moment. Oh, my boy, my boy, please. I'm sorry, Major Bob. Sorry, I just made your Bob.

Santa, the whole Christmas operation has always been free. I don't know if you're gonna be it's too successful at convincing people to pay $8 for something that they used to get for free. But now it's very confusingly because it has grown. It's a new modern age and everyone wants to know. and and and and and and and and everyone wants to know Yeah, that's a lot of ants the more ants you say the more desperate you see those are bonus ends my boy Those are free. We don't have to pay for those

All right, we'll speak into minions. We need to get to our next guest please um, and I don't know what they have dominion over, but they are a mythical creature. Please welcome pianist Kalatis. Oh no! Oh my god. What? What was...what just happened?

No! Ah! Don't be afraid of me, Scots. My immortal presence is terrifying, isn't it? Wait, you just said not to be afraid of you, so I wasn't. I like to be afraid of you, so I wasn't. But now you're saying you're terrifying? I clanked into you and noisily with my herbs and your foot.

Raring up on my mighty hands. You have like one bottle for a foot. And it sounds like a basketball of marking pins as another food? Shush, little one. You have a little one from the property. You're only like six four. I'm humongous, sir, the nuts. I'm six-foot-sand.

Oh. And I'm half-man, half-sensor. Oh, I'm sorry, 30-foot. Oh, the- Wait, 30-foot. Wait, I'm sorry. Oh, wait. I said wait. I said wait. Wait. I'm familiar with this. I'm familiar with a half-man, half-setter.

Who is three-fourths man. Yeah, that would be three-fourths man. You're mostly, man, you just have like a fowl for a foot and a basket of marking pans for another for this thing. No, what? A quarter horse, three-quarters man. Right. To below the knees, is that what you're saying? for another one. No, one. Quarter horse, three quarters man. Wait. To below the knees, is that what you're saying?

And horse, for you. The torso of a man for a hand. And then also human feet on the end of the horse legs. The heads of a man. The body, but the first half, upper, bottom, man. The legs. The legs, one leg, horse. Oh, okay. The feet of a man. The eyes of a man. Okay. The other leg. We're just going part by part.

Of a man. Like mostly man so far. The tail of a horse. Tail of a horse. Oh, you have a horse tail. Can we see your dingo penis of a man bottom pot hot pot horse? Oh wait, when you take top part, wait, do you mean the head or do you mean everything above the balls? So your part vegetable and the old man and mineral Shlamishlamazans, that's for go corporate. Scott, I've come here clanging your jaw down with my herbs, knocking everything about and scaring you and all your little friends. No, I was here. I saw it. You don't have to recap. I come to find you, little one. Oh.

You're the little one from the property. I can, you're slightly taller than me. What do you need for me? My kindness is going in stains. You're kind of... What?? My kind is going extinct. You're kind of going extinct? You're getting into extinct? My kind is going extinct. Oh, extinct?

Eng extinct. Eng extinct? Are you doing a pun? See? I'm the last of my half. No! My half-sense war. No, I'm the last of my half- No! My half-sons were. No, I'm so sorry.

And the prophecy said, one little boy, very tall, Sad, blue eyes, bad personality, I could help me. That table, right? Scott, hop on my rump and ride with me to the fort. I don't know how. Hop on. I don't know how I'm supposed to help you, are you?

That's going in things, please. What? But I don't know what else'm going to help you. Thank you for going in things, please. What? But I don't know what else I could do other than have sex with... Oh, wait, no, no, no, no, no, yeah. No, that's not what I'm asking, what's God's fault. Oh, I'm asking for. Up on my ramp, I know right? Again, it sounds like that's what you're asking for.

I'll draw you to the forest, where you will be the chosen little boy to remove the rock from the stone. The rock from the stone? Wake up. As legend has it. Web forest? The forest in Mufufu, Pufonsia, my land.

How long of a trip is this? Because I still need to get up to Big Bear this afternoon. I was already surfing in the morning It's not a long trip. We'll take sensor close lane. Oh, okay, you know that street open my ramp and I'll ramp you down I don't do not want to hop on your rub you must Could we just could we get it like a tandem motor cycle or something where we could do side by side. It's all just details. The saddle to boy must ramp on the ramp of the last remaining sensual. Yeah, a good personality. I'm familiar with this.

This, you have to hop on the ramp and then wrap on the hung. I don't know. You've got to, by the way, I mean, it's not a very big shelf down there. I mean, it doesn't look like I would be able to fit. It's a very skinny ass. This is what I'm trying to do. It's half centaur ass and half a few ass. One of the

cheeks is humongoate. The other is a- one is not an- one is not an optop. It's enough for you skinny little one. Please. Please my- my kind is going instinct because- because we're being killed and hunted for our powers. Oh wait you have powers. Yes. What are they more than I could have lists? Well, listen, listen Okay, I'll list three. Oh good. Um first we can run Faster than even As fast as a fastest man Like you seem bold

Yes, okay, but less faster than him, but almost quite as fast. Oh, okay As fast as a fastest man. Like you seen Bolt? Yes. But less fast than him, but almost quite as fast. Oh, okay. So almost as fast as you're saying Bolt. That's a little bit impressive. You can almost run as fast as you're saying Bolt. Yes. Yeah.

Are the horses faster than you say Bolt? Yes. But that's a full horse. Full run power. So this is not that great. I have the feet of a man. You can't run that's a full horse. Full run power. So this is not that great. I have the feet of a man. You can't run as fast as a horse. The head of a man.

OK, I just remember all these. The tail of a horse. What are your other two powers? Second power. I can say a funny fact at any time. Oh, no, go, go. List three. Oh, please.

Three facts. One, strawberries are the only fruit with the seeds on outside. Oh no go go! List three. Oh please! Ah three facts. Yes one. Strawberries are the only fruit with the seeds on outside. Two, and by a state building is taller than that other buildings. Three, banana is the only food that's truly yellow. That's all the yellow, yellow foods are just... Truly yellow! Scott, the yellow of a banana.

Tortilla chips? No food. Yeah, more of a pan. OK, my third skill, I can, well, in any central conduits, we have raw, dripping, once, sex appeal, and we can bed any woman we lay eyes on. Go for it. There's no women here.

Oh, that's right. I've kind of on the verge. Someone usual for comedy bang-bang. Well, I have bed almost every actress. Nicki Minaj, Bob Astrayal. Great actress. Hailey Joles, Nicki Minaj. Hailey Joles, Osmond.

But unfortunately, none have the pussy of a central and I can't I can't Procreate to keep us from going in science. Well, here's my conundrum You've mentioned that people are killing your name Mike Conundrum Mike I'm sorry. I thought your name was Pianist Pilates, but you my human name is okay I'm a sensual so your three quarters Mike Conundrum I thought your name was Pianist Pilates. But you, that's your name. Oh, okay. I'm a sensual. So your three quarters, Mike Conundrum. And a quarter Pianist Pilates.

Mike Conundrum. Here's my issue. You say people are killing your kind to get their powers. The police. The police are hunting us. The police are hunting you. Yes. Oh. Just the police. What do you mean

just the police? Well, I mean, why do the police want your powers? Because they're jealous. They're jealous? That purely just for jealousy, Sikh. Yes. Okay, here's my thing though, if you're implying that if I were to kill you, I'd get your powers and you just said that I could have sex with any actress I wanted. Oh no. So why aren't I killing you right now? Because there's only one white cicada sunsaw. What's that? And if you haven't read the Bible by Joseph Smith, you won't know what it is.

You're a Mormon center. Every center is. Every center is a Mormon? LDS? Yes, let's say LDS. We don't say LDS anymore. I heard you weren't a LDS. I can see whatever I want

Peace fuck shit. Oh, okay. Look just tell us the way to kill you Okay, you have to pull my tail and it's attached to my butt which is attached to my heart and all the needles will come out in my body Amiguit and fell slop on the floor. Please don't do it Yay, I mean I kind of want to do Please don't do it! Yay, I mean, I kind of want to do this. Sooo! The kind that seems like he wants us to. Yeah. I'm the last one and you're the little boy meant to save me, how are you?

How can I save you if I jump on your romp? Get on my romp. Okay, yeah, do I know what I'm talking about? All right, into the forest, you'll pull the stone from the romp. The stone from the romp. You're pulling the rock from the stone. The stone from the romp. Matt Goryle here, doing a caricature of Geeger.

Hey, don't make fun of my guestine Geeger. Sorry, you and he, you are the same in happening. Number one, fine. There we go. Pionus Pilates. Can't say much more than that. Just Lisa Gilroy craziness. And that was at the, at the old studio, right?

Yeah, that was one of the last episodes that we did, the very last ones were the best of's last year. Wow. That we did in the year-old studio. Wow. Now we're saying, well, backwards, can you tell? Yeah. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. What did I say from?

Wow, old. Wow. This certainly is a rundown. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Who. Wow. Who are the other famous, wow. So the famous, wow.

I do want to make a speaking spell with celebrities on it instead of animals. Absolutely. Or it lands on the, oh, and we'll say it just goes, oh, and Wilson says, wow. So nothing doing animal noises, even. No, it's just pictures of celebrities. And then the thing they say.

What did the thing they say? But Christopher Watkins, a great one. Wow, wow. I also say wow. Assuming you landed on a Wilson first. Anyway, great episode. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we are going to hear your choice

for episode number 14 Paul this is so exciting wow welcome back comedy bang bang welcome back comedy bang bang bang hey nice for you to come back so we can be on you nobody welcomes the show itself back i know people welcome guests back they welcome the listeners back do you. Do you think it could be a good picture movie shows? Yes, where shows come to life. Yeah. When no one's around shows come to life. I love Lucy.

The news. I guess video game. I mean, record Ralph is that for video games. So why can't shows? So why can't shows? I did not realize that's what I guess I didn't know what record Ralph was. Is he? What is he supposed to be? But you've seen it so many times. Yeah, but I was fall asleep. I started too late as the problem. Yeah, but you fall asleep right before the credits. The end credits. Oh, yeah, I guess. How did you not know what this

movie is about? I guess I just assumed like it continued for hours. After I fell. No, no, it's about whatever you saw. Because I remember the moment I fall asleep, I'm always saying like, God, it's such a long movie. I give it a little, there's three hours left in it. And then I fall asleep. Wow.

Yeah, that's what it's about. It's about all the video game characters and separate tabletop and stand-up arcade games coming to life. Are they, like based on real games, or are they, okay, and then... You're talking he's Kong. And then Recurralva's a made up guy. Yeah, okay.

One made up guy. I'm a Recurralva. What do you like me? Hey, I'm Sarah. Sarah Silverman. What did you play in the movie? She's a princess. She's a Disney princess.

The first Jewish Disney princess. Wait, so, but that's not a real thing. It is, yeah. What? Yeah. She's a princess. Wait, is that a Disney movie? And so that counts as a Disney princess?

Yeah. Is there a character, like a face character or a Disney land? I think so. Yeah, let me look at this. She is the first Jewish American Disney princess. Chad? Princess

Miriam Ruth. Oh, a vanilla. Yes, vanilla. Princess vanilla. Wait, wait, wait, breaking news. According to this, she is not considered to be an official Disney princess. This may be because of the Nellope says herself, her code may say she is a princess, but she is actually a racer.

I think we're splitting hair, so Disney, come on. Wait, this character's also an eraser? Yeah, start our own short. Yes, and a racer head. Wow. I heard no chance, Niggert says, wow. All right, and a racer head. Wow. I don't know, Jory Tudegger says, wow. All right, we gotta get to it. We've been teasing it for far too long.

This is your choice for episode number 14. Number one, four. Episode 14, this is episode 789. The last one we heard was 787. This is just a couple weeks later. This is a couple, it's a few weeks later though, because we had best of's in between. Boy, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh First episode of the year is there a day more miserable than New Year's day? I Guess you're relaxing if you're lucky. I guess I've just always hated it. I don't know why yeah I know what you're something about it that just feels like really melaisy

We went to the the Rose braid one year that was fun. Oh, I could not think of something I want to do less really It was fun because you get to see all the bands what bands rolling Coldplay. Is that true? They never televised them. I mean the marching bands. Of course. Oh, the marching bands. I forgot marching bands existed.

Would that be funny if the Rolling Stones played the Rose Parade? And they're like, now we're not going to televised this. I can't get the rights. It's a Rolling Stone song. Here's what I love about marching band music. Yeah. It is the most ancient songs played at a breakneck pace. I like to, the year we went,

because one marching band did Nintendo theme songs, and then that's fun. And then they, around the corner, they all imitated certain video game characters, the way they walked and stuff. It was very fun. A fuck. Yeah.

It was cool. I got to look that up. Yeah. I'm not going to do that, guys. Okay. So this is January 1st, 2023. This is an episode called Oh my God, Becky. Yes, of course.

Yes. Of course. Now, the first episode of the year, traditionally, the first regular episode, not best of episode. We traditionally have Ben Schwartz on, our friend Ben Schwartz, who people will know from such things as he's the voice of Sonic and Sonic the Hedgehog movies. He's in the after party.

He's always got shit going on. Always. He was in Renfield. Oh, what the hell? Yeah. He's always got shit. Wow. Who would you want to visit?

Nicholas Cage. Nicholas Cage. So this is an exclusively a wow speaking spell. I mean, you're not going to get these guys to record this shit for, you know, all day long, you know what I mean? That's a good point. Yeah. You're going to have to pay him like an insane amount of money just to come in and say,

wow, leave. Does Nick Cage say anything more recognizable than wow? I guess face off maybe. Hey. So Ben Schwartz is on this episode, and he is sort of acting as my co-host or the main celebrity guest. The first clip we will hear is you heard him earlier as a music festival expert, Jesse, but we'll hear Drew Tarver as Henry,

as Henry, and nope. Sure for Hemlick. Hemlick, Hemlick. Boy, if you can give your hemlicks the Heimlick and they be gone. How would that work? Someone comes around and squeezes your butt from behind. No, this is Henry Heimlich.

This is a character he's done many times, including on tour with us. This is the inventor of the Heimlich maneuver. And then after that, we will hear a little bit of Mary Holland, who's a great comedian, just saw her in an upcoming movie that's coming out on Hulu in about three weeks from now. Oh, yeah, I saw an ad, Jake Johnson's movie. Yes, yes, she's in that, but she's also in the arm wrestling movie that she did.

Golden Arm. But the holiday movie that she did was really great. I don't remember the name of it. Man. But it was about a big and a little getting together and having a relationship. A big and a little, what do you mean by that? Well, Kristen Stewart and happy a season, by the way. Happy a season. Kristen Stewart and I always call her Cameron, but that's not her actual name. Clay DeVol. No, no, no, Clay DeVol is not in the I mean. Yeah No, she's the director. Sorry McKenzie. Oh, oh, oh from Hilton catch fire. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. McKenzie Davis. McKenzie Davis. Jesus Christ. Yes. She's very tall. She's very tall

So a big and a little getting together. A big and a little getting together. And it's not you don't see that story that often No, that's the main conflict in the movie. Yes, it's underrepresented in Hollywood. And you can't be it if you can't see it. And so exactly. For bigs and littles that fall in love, this is a wonderful thing. So Mary Holland, she plays a character named Barb Nuts. She always has great names for her characters. She truly does. Let's hear it. This is your choice for episode number 14. Number one, four.

But please welcome back to the show, Henry. Hi, Luke. Hello, Scott. How are you? Henry, so nice to meet you. I'm Ben. Hello, Ben. Are you choking?

Sorry. Are you choking? Right now, I'm, I know. I think the way you can tell is if someone's breathing or talking to them, not. All right. That I'm I know I think the way you could tell is if someone's breathing or talking They're not right. That's is that's right. It was a trick question Okay, and you're not choking and you pass the test. Oh, well, I'm worried. I'm worried about the lifespan of this guy You're about the lifespan of this guy. I'm coming in hot and guns are blazing.

You mean I hadn't spoken for 60 seconds prior to me just speaking right now, but you didn't ask if I was choking. Yes, are you choking? Well, no, I just started speaking. Good. Another trick question and you passed the test. Now do you teach classes, Henry? Yes, of course.

Well, I invented the Heimlich maneuver. Oh my god. You know my maneuver. Have you used it? I'm not doing a bit. I just took a class to learn it, and I know exactly how to do it. So you make a fist? That's right.

You make a fist. Well, are we doing an adult or infant? So what are we doing? Well, you can do it at anyone over one year old. OK. If they're under one, put them on the knee, and pat them on the back. That's close.

Close? It's close. I don't do the babies. I'm a adult only, right? I'm a adult only. 18 plus. What happened? Did you barely legal hide what you were?

That's right. You occasionally asked a Patreon Only Fans where I did barely legal hide like. Jesus Christ. Yes, they're just 18, they're choking. But I show their license. Showing on what? But you're nasty, God.

God, he's a nasty. He's a nasty, he's very, when you make him nervous, he turns a little bit around. He's the nasty, he's very, so you take a face. He's telling everybody about my barely legal channel, bringing it up immediately. I knew it was just a matter of time. Well, then you do what you do.

You keep doing it. To take it off the frickin' internet. Right, I want it off the internet, but you you do what you do. You keep doing it to take it off the freaking internet. Right. I want it off the internet, but you can't get things off. You know this. Of course, it's not there. You know, like, with things on. It, unless your homecog and sex tape is not going anywhere.

Right. Which I've been looking for. By the way, it's the sexiest sex tape I've ever seen. He's always saying, I'm so full. I'm such a pig. He says, that's your thing. He says it in his is my favorite Take a lot of time. Of course by the way a person who loves the hamlet would want to watch So what's so full is gonna choke? Yeah, cuz he's gonna choke if he fuck yeah

Luckily he never gets around to it. He calls his daughter. He says I've seen it. You have seen it And it's gone and I'm upset about it You're obscene. I've seen it and it's gone and I'm upset about it. It's my favorite video. Sorry, buddy. It's okay. Hey, I'm a fist. A fist?

A fist, you make the fist. You put the thumb of your fist in the sternum. Right? Right? Hello, can you tell someone where the sternum is? Because it's a listening thing. How many fingers from the belly button? How many fingers from the belly button?

Eight. It comes on half. You stack them. So first you want to make sure, first you pull the person's shirt off. You could save somebody's life right up before you better do it right, okay? First, so if you suspect anyone is joking, pull their shirt off. Well, it can happen in an instant. It can happen in an instant.

What are you talking about? Choking. It can happen in an instant. I mean, most things happen in an instant. That's true. That happened. And that's it. But it can happen in an instant.

You know, in an instant, you're talking with your friends, you're, I'm choking. Somebody else is choking. First thing you do, take your shirt off. Take their shirt off or your shirt off. Strip them down. Sounded underwear. Leave the underwear on. Okay.

I'm getting some dignity. Okay, I'm kidding. Give me some dignity. No, I'm kidding. Oh, you're a tall kid. I'm kidding. You're a big kidder. I kid all the time. I'm kidding.

You stack your fingers up about the top, belly button four fingers, four fingers, eight fingers, that's the sternum. Okay. Then you grab and don't put your head right behind their head, kind of peek around. Right, so don't put your nose on their back. Like sort of nozzle their neck.

Nussel their neck, get your shit in there, like you're loving them, they're your lover. Are you saying anything? You can say. You can whisper, hey, you can whisper like, it's gonna end soon. Yes, it's good. This is all gonna end soon.

But yes, you can try verbal, they stop choking. Okay, now, try verbal first. Try verbal, start with just gonna answer, but yes, you can try verbal day. Stop choking. Okay. Now try verbal first try verbal start with verbal like are you kidding? Like I'm gonna make a fool of me here. Um, stuff like this. Talk to fool me. I'm with my family.

Now I'm over here at your table. You're choking quotes. Um, but then they're like, okay, okay, or no, they can't say anything. If they can't say anything, you know, they're choking. Well, you know the universal sign of choking. Two hands up. Hands up on your neck. Sharp fingers.

Sharp. Sharp fingers. Sharp. Sharp. You mean fingers extended? Fingers extended sharp. Sharp. What's your favorite thing you can get?

You see my fingers? What's because the cheese with these fingers not farting then you're kidding No, I was kidding you are kidding next to us. Okay. I love doing cut the cheese You didn't even let me do it you said it you do let me respond. I said don't do it Yeah, but I didn't I know you're gonna beat me to it. You know you farting. No You want to be the one who said it. Yes, you're so quick Are you farting? No. And you wanted to be the one who said it. Yes, you're so quick.

You're so blunt. You were saying you never cheese with you. Yes, I was gonna show you how sharp my fingers are. So you weren't kidding. I wasn't kidding. I was. I'm gonna cheese. Okay.

I was a man. I was a man. It was a man. Excuse me. Hey, come on. Is that your catcher? No, yeah. I farted.

Did she fart and seal that with you? Steve Martin followed me around all the time. Still healing my stuff. Yes. I played the man around all the time. Still healing my stuff. Yes. I played the man Joe, there he goes. Oh my God. Thank God. He wanted to play in a train.

All of them and feel that he's there. And then do you, so are you older than Steve, just we know? Barely. Barely. So the Hanukkah Nuver was invented right before Steve Martin was born. That's right.

Well, he was one of the first people who received it. Isn't that true? That is true. And he was a little baby, yeah. Yes, he was a little do baby. I don't do it. Is it because of this experience with Steve Martin? Well, no, it's because my son choked a death on a commemorative Lego piece. Oh, no.

What was it commemorating, by the way? Back to the future. Back to the future. Yeah, back to the future commemorative Lego. So this is post 85. Post 85. Do you know that in fact the future was alive today or be a hundred years old? Do you know this? I think the date is wrong, but I understand where you're going for. You get it, right?

Yeah, of course I guess. All right, well, we need to get to our next class. I can't believe you have another guess. This is very interesting. Incredible. Incredible, packed show. We need to get to her. She's a crafter.

Please welcome Barb Nutz. Hello. Flour. Flour. Flfter. Please welcome Barb Nuts. Hello, flowers! What? What? What? Did you make these?

Oh, I made them. I made them. Barb has just brought out a gorgeous array of flowers. Thank you so much. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Are these for us? Or are they?

No, this is for me, but I brought them. I just want to just an example. You just want to do what my prayer. Look at them, I mean. Yeah, just look at them. I made them at a broken glass. Oh my God. Oh, Jesus. Wow. You just stop putting them down.

Yeah. Oh, Christ. Hoking us with them. Wow, I'm cut. I'm cut. You're not joking, are you? No. No, my joke.

His name is in cut. The not joking already. No. No, my joke. His name is Incant. Did you cut? No, you know I'm bleeding. Oh nice to meet you, please. No, his name is Incant. He's a hard nut, everyone. A hard nut. A hard nut, everyone.

A hard nut, everyone. A hard nut, everyone. A hard nut, everyone. Are you love K-Barb? I'm okay. Crafting is my passion. I can make anything out of anything. I love to deny why.

Anything out of anything. Why? Anything out of anything. Why? Anything out of anything. Why? Anything out of anything I can make anything out of anything. I love to deny why. Anything out of anything. Why, you know, I'd like to spend in my free time. I haven't at the store. And I'd like to spend in my free time.

I'd like to spend in my free time. Finish the sentence, Barb. You can do it. You can do it. And I'd like to spend in my free time. And in my free time, I'd like to do it. You can do it. You like to spend, and you like to spend every time. And in my free time, I like to spend it. I like to make hats out of mason jars. I have a mason jar.

Broken mason jars? Or just like, I don't have to be broken. Would you just turn it upside down and put a brim on it? Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, that's cool. And then what I can do, you will put one now. Yes, see. It's very cute. See. It's the best in any of that. That's like a play and it what I can do you You're wearing one now. It's very cute. It's when the sun hits it. It's like a neighbor ham Lincoln and there is something

Brining in it. Yeah, this is an old pickle. Oh Wow How long has been brining in your head? Three hundred years. Oh my God. It's my grandmother's pickle. Oh wow. She must have got it though from several generations back. So this pickle has been passed down. Check it out though.

Yeah, it's been in the nut family for years. Wow. And so I thought to my, because my grandmother had a lot of, had a lot of, had a lot of, you can do it. You can finish it up. Had a lot of, had a lot of, had a lot of, you can do it. You can finish it up.

Had a lot of for putting in food by, and so you would have all kind of preserved, all kind of pickled things. Yeah. And it, how old would she be? You're so nice. How old would she be if she was alive? She didn't get my grandmother.

How did you know the guy, he'd buy a bus? She didn't get by a big London bus. A London, a Delta Decker. Is she in America? Is she in America? She's from America. Oh no. Let me guess, let me guess.

When she saw the bus coming, she jumped up really high as not to get hit by it, but got hit by the second level. How did you know that guy? Oh my God. You didn't want to meet me in the second level, no, because she dumped high enough to clear the second level. But there happened to be somebody holding a knife up high. Oh no.

And in the second level. And so she was doing a split. Oh no. So she sliced her right in the middle. No, yeah, the slice is right in the kit. Oh my God. And she dozed away. That's why you call the kitchen. Yeah, call this my kitchen.

Don't pull it out. Wait, don't pull it out. No can make panties out of Mason jar. They have a lot of Mason jar. Yeah, you need to think so far. Oh, you are. Are these flowers made out of broken Mason jars? Oh, yes. I took a Mason jar and I have a lot of Mason jars.

And so you can do anything with Mason jars. And you can, and crack it. You got it. You got it. Crafting is my pattern and but it's not my job oh really what do you do for a living? I don't make much money after I leave from it I'm sorry what do you do for a living?

do you work in the intelligence industry? are you in the CIA? no no it's close though I'm a contract killer you're a contractor contract killer contract killer. Contract killer, contract killer. Put his album people and then I do it. Really? Yeah. You're not here to kill any of us, are you?

It's got, you're doing this. Oh my goodness. You just gave me the old pickle. There you go. I really. Be careful, Scott. Scott, I probably wouldn't drink. Do I do the fully work on this, Ben? Yeah, I'll do the full work here. We go ready. Okay. Tell me what you're doing all right

I'm drinking the Excuse me oh, that was my I was cutting the cheese and I cut the cheese again. No, no Well, you didn't bring it, Scott. Yeah, sorry. No, I'm not thirsty right now. But thank you so much. Are you good at contract killing?

Why not that? Really? I'm the best in the bill. How many kills do you have under your belt? Two? You've killed two different people. I just killed the best in the bill. No, where does it?

You got it? And you? You got it? But they never caught me. They never caught me because nobody suspects me. You know, they hit me. Well, that's sure. I don't suspect you.

It'll bomb nuts. And they see Bob nuts just walking down the street. Nobody suspects me. And so then they don't see it coming. Who hired you to do this if you don't mind me asking? Oh, Tommy Hilfrika. Tommy Hilfrika wants to kill Scott Ockerman. Oh, my God.

I said no to that. Oh my God. I didn't know toaman Oh my god, you are trying to kill me. I mean, I thought I was a joke. Oh god. Tommy, you have you has beef with Tommy. I have a little bit of beef with Tommy. What happened? Tommy. Why? What happened? You're yeah, he makes pants, right? Yeah, he made clothes in the 90s. He makes pants, mostly pants. He makes clothes in the 90s. He's famous for his pants. Yeah, pants in the 90s. Pants in the 90s, yeah.

I was like, hey, bring those pants back to the 90s. Got the one? Yeah? Can I just put both my hands on your neck? Oh, do that. You said you wanted a massage. Your neck for sure. Yeah, my neck is kind of hurt.

Yeah, here we go. Okay, let me just get and put one in the front. One in the front. One in the back. Are you gonna whisper anything to me? Just make sure I'm not choking. Be careful, this is how it happens. It's almost over.

Are you kidding? Are you kidding? Are you kidding? See, that's from my, are you kidding about choking? Yeah. Okay. And then it, it's going to hit on your hands. It's going to here? Handsome

Your hands are really I am wearing a bulletproof vest with a little bit of a a Wow Barb nuts Wow, are you trying to get on this? I'm trying to be, I mean, like, I could have sort of a celebrity. I mean, I'm podcast famous. Wow. Wow. Who do who's that just like?

Wow. Wow. Wow. I don't know. Richard Nixon, of course. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, he's dead. So you have to get like Rich Little to do it.

Mr. Socket to me himself. Socket to me. To me. That was great. Barb Nuts, Henry Heimlich, Ben Schwartz. What is a great episode? Do you remember there was an episode where Mary played a reporter who got hit by a car?

Because he's just seen that clip. Yes. Was that even this year or was it the year, but I think it was the year before it in my opinion. That might have been 10 years ago. I think it was the year before it in my opinion. I think it was on the countdown from last year. Yeah, because I think it was our three-time episode where Tatiana didn't show up.

That's right. That's right. It's not a three-time episode because Mary was there. So that, of course, it's not a three-time episode. Mary Holland will never be on three. When I say it was a three-time episode, three-time was the celebrity guest. That's right.

Because Tatiana, last second second said she couldn't come. Yeah. I remember she said she wouldn't come. Oh, that's right. I forgot. Yes, she said she's done with comedy bang bang. She did a little barley the scrivener and said, oh, I prefer not to.

We were just taught, by the way, I saw her the other day. We were just talking about how hilarious it is that any time she's on this show, she makes news on comic book websites, because we just lie about everything that she's doing in the Marvel universe. I remember the singing thing. What was the other thing? There was something the last time.

I can't remember what it was, but it just like made news of like, in she-hulk, she does this. And it's just she's just lying and everyone just takes it seriously. The funniest to me was that the two songs were it's not easy being green and fever. Yes, fever. Pet by Peggy Lee. All right, we need to take a break. This is exciting.

When we come back, we have one more episode we're gonna be counting down. That's right. Unlucky or lucky number 13. Oh yeah, we're gonna be doing it. When we come back, we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang best of 2023 per one after this

Comedy bang bang we are back and I'm here with Paula Tompkins. Hi and We're gonna crack the top 13. Yeah, let's do it We are recording under a ladder. Do you think that's bad? Well, let me ask my best friend the black cat that's over here. Well, he just walked right in front of you. I hope so, I'm talking to him. Hey, is this okay? Oh, all right.

Meow! That's a cat's wow. Who's more famous than a black cat? I mean, since dawn of time, they've been around. a cat's wow. Who's more famous than a black cat? I mean, since dawn of time, they've known in every country. That's probably appeared in more movies than any actor. All right, let's get to our next episode. This is so exciting. Speaking of black cats, it's episode number 13. Number one, three.

All right, episode 13, Paul. What do you got for me? This is episode 796. Okay, so a few weeks after... Seven weeks after the last one. Seven, okay. Yeah, several weeks. Which puts us at February 19.

Ciao, cha, cha, chao. I don't know why you said that. Okay. February, whenever I hear it, makes me think of a Purina cat food commercial where for some reason it was to the tune of calendar girls. And so they would name the month and they would go, chao chao chao chao. So like February. Exactly. Chao chao chao chao. March.o cha chao chao chao. So like February. Exactly. Chao cha chao chao.

March. Chao cha chao chao. And then to be different cats eating the food. So now Paul, we've talked about our respective brains over the years about how they're irrevocably broken when it gets worse. Hearing certain things. Absolutely. Now anytime you hear any month. No, not any month. For some reason it certain things. Absolutely. Now, anytime you hear any month,

no, not any month. For some reason it's February. Oh, okay. So, but you know what it is? It's more than just hearing a month. If it's said, it's a certain cadence. Oh, okay. So the fact that I said February,

February. I think that was it. That was that probably triggered you. All right, this is an episode called Hans's Opus. Hans's Opus. Now, this is one of the first episodes. We said it seven weeks later. Let's see, we taped that first one that you just heard

of the year with Ben Schwartz. We taped that outside for some reason, Ben wanted to do it outside. But then since then, we were doing it here in my home in the studio. Where do I sleep? Where are my children sleep? We constructed a studio here in one of the rooms

and we've been taping it here, but I have been engineering to show myself and it's a learning curve. And one of the things that I could not figure out is why my computer is hooked up to our recorder? Why I couldn't stop it from dinging anytime I got any kind of text. And I couldn't figure it out.

And this is now, I believe the sixth episode that I've been taping here. Can I be honest? Yeah, I loved it and I wish it had never stopped. Well, you're gonna hear it several times. In this countdown. It was a delight every single time. So we're all over here.

It starts with Edie Patterson, Edie Patterson, who people would know from the righteous gemstones. She plays one of the daughters. The only daughter. The only daughter. Yeah, one of the gemstones that she said. Judy gemstone.

Judy gemstone. She's very funny. She has been, since she's been doing this show, I don't think she's ever done a different care. Well, she has done some auxiliary characters here and there, but the main thing that she does is a character named Bean Dip. If you say to her, give me the ox. Then she'll do an auxiliary character.

Exactly. Yeah. Bean Dip is a character she's been doing. She was, or still is a groundling, and she's been doing this character Bean Dip in the groundlings, and she's made videos with this character over the years. She started being on the show a few years back and she does bean dip. And then we start with her and then we have our good friend Zach Galafanakis, good friend. Zach Galafanakis is on this episode. People know from the hangover, of course, and the between two ferns.

They were both in the between two ferns movie together. Edie played a very bean dip style character. Oh yeah, that's right. And Zach didn't know her and they just started improvising together. He just met her five minutes before and the look of shock on his face when she started talking was very fun. And there was a whole scene, it never made it in the movie where she was trying to convince Sack to kiss her. And it was very funny. So it was supposed to just be them in our first act in A block,

but because I hadn't figured out how to silence my computer yet, Andy Daly, who is our, going to be our guest in our next block, he was there. So he decided to teach me in character, but that led him to coming on earlier than expected. So all of our guests just came on at the very beginning of the episode and we're talking to each other. This is Andy Daley as August lint, the pretzel maker from Germany. And let's hear it. This is your choice for episode 13.

Number one, three. We have a movie star on the show. What's your favorite movie of all time? My favorite movie of all time is Paul Lee. Took him a lot of him, but oh really? What do you love? That's just a compelling drama. What do you love about that film? Well, I'd love that little girl. She's like, well, let's spare all. She's skinny. She's always fun around. She's got the name of like a military officer.

Yeah, what is it again? And Scout, is that what it is? Yeah, Scout, we're a good squad. I don't need to make fun of you just because I'm, I know it's a popular book. You have Boo Radley, you have Scout. Boo Radley, you got Scout, you got the main dude. Yeah. Atticus Finch.

Atticus Finch. That's right, which it's weird to have a book like it's to kill a mockingbird and you're like, oh my God, they're going to kill this guy named Mockingbird. And then you see the main character, his name is Finch. Yeah, and then you're like, well, I guess everybody's safe in this world. Are they going to kill this guy named Mockingbird. And then you see the main character, his name is Finch. Yeah, and then you're like, well, I guess everybody's safe in this world. Are they going to kill this guy too? I don't know.

That's a strange. That's all not. Hey, not everybody's a metaphor for a bird. What are the best metaphors for birds in literature? The best metaphors for birds in literature. Hey, that airplane looks like a bird. That's a great one. That's from the Bible, right?

That's from the Bible, a Dominican's file, 477. Also, the best metaphor for birds in nature is, oh, that hole looks like a predator. And I do mean the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Oh, okay, right. Because there's three kinds of predators. Uh-huh. There's the animal kinds that trace upon lesser beings.

That's why. There's the Arnold Schwarzenegger kind. Arnold Schwarzenegger kind. And then there's the Ticaccia predator. And the Ticaccia predator. The human kind. The worst kind of predator. The worst kind of kind of, it gets one cooler.

Although, if I were in like a basement, I would rather be in the basement with the third kind that Ticaccia predator kind, rather than the Arnold Schwarzeneg catch a predator kind rather than the Arnold Schwarzenegger kind. I'm going for Arnold Schwarzenegger kind. You want to be in a basement trapped in a basement with that guy? Yes. Or girl, I sure there are female predators. Female predators and boy predators are easy for me to kill. They are a cinch.

To catch a predator, that's a mind game. I'm not trying to play. So you did. Wonderful thing. Difference here. I'm not trying to go in that, but I'm not trying to go to that basement dress like a 13 year old.

Say like you're wearing a T shirt in no pants right now. I know, but I'm not trying to put on like a 13 year old dress. Stop playing around my iPhone. Go like I'm 13. come closer. I'm not trying to play that game up, but the fight the predator. You'll fight the you'd rather fight the dreadlocked predator. Yes, the invisible sometimes not sometimes the one who can see me when I can't

see it. That's a sin. He's a heat vision. Is that what is that what it is? Are he seeking or what is it? Third of all vision. He's seeking a third more. Well, when you say he'd vision, I guess it implies like a Superman like you shoot laser beams out of his eyes. But a predator cannot do that. Thank God. Otherwise, the human race would just be wasted.

Well, nobody would be here exactly right. And it's dumb that you suggested that. Do you hear that, ding? Yes, I thought that was inside of my head Unfortunately now the the setup I have hooked through my computer if I ever get a text message Now suddenly we hear it on the show Wow cool cool I guess I could I could just not Say anything about it and then edit it out and post but no We're certainly are editing budget. We're over we're over drawn ding ding is there much is here

Being dip we have a movie star. Do you want to talk to him? Yes, I would love to talk to him. I'm a dying to. You know, I'm from such movies as the, I'm trying to think about one where you gave me the blue ray of it once, the one where it's like the, oh, a stitch in time. No, what is it? It's a wrinkle in time. Wrinkle in time. Oh god.

Oh, I'm exactly getting a text from our guest here. Yeah, it's his test. You know, I'm from a wrinkle in time. You were, yeah, you were in that movie. No, I'm looking at my face and said, did I really give you a DVD on it? Oh, it was a Blu-ray. It was a little higher quality. Why? Because I think you got sense like you're,

I think in your contract, because I've had these contracts too, where it says like if the movie gets made, you will be given 10 DVDs of the movie. And I think they sent you your, your 10 Blu-rays of a wrinkle in time and you said, hey, I got a present for you. I need to get that back. Oh, yeah. No, I definitely still have it. Um, you know, I'm from the hangover. You know, I'm from Oh God, I'm trying to do anything post the movie we put out that you've done and I am. I don't think I'm short. I don't think about nothing. I don't think so. Okay, the between two firms movie. You know, the last thing I did. You weren't it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You had a big part. Yeah. I remember it now, but I think that's the last thing I did.

That was pre-pandemic in the world change. Yeah. And then the hierarchy of the DC universe suddenly shifted. What's that mean? Never mind. Black of it. But please welcome Zach Alfinacus. Hey Zach, thanks. Talk more into the mic. You've got to get real close on. Okay. Yeah. Wonderful. How's that?

This is being did by the way. I mean, to meet you. No, I said meet you. I love you. God. Your head's going off again. Another guest is saying, may I suggest

the do not disturb me. Turn on your back. I don't know how to turn it on. Can you text me that? Yeah, no problem. That's a future guest in character. I don't know what you mean by that. I mean, I don't know.

August, how do you, how do you, how do you do this? What do you mean? Okay, I put up a right hand corner of the screen that's going to be like two ovals. Two ovals. This is true. Yeah, yeah, got it. Click on that ovals. Yeah. It's like a sidebar circle, Scott.

Okay, got it. Yeah. And now you see the options of you because they do not serve for one hour. Well, no, I don't see it. Or longer than that fun sound. No, I shouldn't say I'm gonna have to walk over now. Oh my gosh.

This is a far one. This is it. Oh, yeah, just shut the laptop. Whoops. Focus. Oh, it's under foot. Okay. We didn't say under focus. Okay. There we go. Do not disturb. Thank you so much. August Linton's here, by the way, when I mentioned the world traveler, hey, August, I'm here, but right now just for text support. Are you sure? You don't want to talk to Zach? I'm happy to, but I do have any questions about being a movie star. I don't have, let's see, no, I don't have to. You have any about being a movie star.

Have you ever wanted to be in a movie? Well, I've had lots of ideas for movies. Oh, no. What are your ideas? Well, you know, I work in a pretzel factory in Doosledorf. And there's millions of things that happen to all the time. They're always saying this should be a movie. This is so funny and so dramatic.

Give us one example. Well, we had a guy who worked at his whole life from when he was a child he worked at, from when he was five years old. Five years old. And that's because the salt on the pretzels is very tiny. You need tiny fingers in order to pick it up.

Yes, he began as a salt picker. And then of course they realized, well, there's tools that are, you know, you know what I mean? You had needle nose pliers. I think like that or what you call it, when you got to take out a splinter. Twazers.

Fine. So by the way, the time it been in the early days, they could only use the fingers of a child. But he eventually came to Boyd where he had worked. There all his life, he was coming up on a hundred years old. And what did he fell into the machine?

And he became pretzels. Well, it's amazing to think that all his life was devoted to the making of pretzels. And then he became willing for him to become the thing. What a perfect way for him to die now and funny. Very funny. And poetic and beautiful. What is your idea for a movie? Yeah, and I think it's like

kind of a Holland's Opus. You've seen the Mr. Holland's Opus. Yeah, I thought you were going to say Holland Oats. I like it's a Holland's Opus. You could put Holland Oats all over the soundtrack if you want to make a million dollar. But I think I think movies need to make a little bit more than that these days. I'm not sure. Well, it depends, but it costs, right? Okay. You could get the factory for free. I think Mr. Schmeiderberg would be thrilled to have it. Okay. Hello, dude. We're on our way. But there's a Holland's Opus, which is like, you know, number one movie of all times. Yeah. It follows the guy's likes all the way up until the big ending. But we finally get to see his beautiful piece of music, his terrible, terrible song. No, no, no, it's, it's very popular. That song is very popular in Germany.

Oh, is it really? Mr. Holland's opus composition. It's it's sound. And I mentioned this when we covered the film on Scott hasn't seen recently. It sounds like something that would be underscoring a sports montage. And you'd hear an announcer saying Michael Jordan scored 86 points on this particular game. You're talking about something Mr. Holland worked on his whole. I know. Let's say he wasted his life. No, he didn't waste his life. By the way, it was five minutes. Guys been working for 30 years on a five-minute song.

Scott is a bad music. That is very, very good. It's incredibly rude, but that's why it's perfect. Every minute of it is 100%. Zach, what do you think? Well, I really wanted to go back to the... So he got made into pretzel? Yeah, he fell his two-chim machine,

but all the ingredients are combined and became one of the ingredients. How many? How many time did you run Giant One or a bunch of tiny-year pretzels? Well, we don't know for certain, but not one giant one. No, he became, he was one of the pretzels,

but were they bagged and sold? Oh, yes. Whoa. David bagged that sold and well, we don't know how many of pretzels because you can kind of taste like this one is a little gamey and that would be maybe Some of them is still in there. Wow. It's impossible really to say to know that for sure You would have to empty out the machine and clean it And that would be yeah be that's a good idea for you. That's what happened to that guy, Wetzel. Is it really? Yeah, he that's where he got

the name because it was also a pretzel. Oh, it was just short no wetzel's pretzel. Devil's a man named Vetzel who became his own. so the amount of it was it rhymed, but no. The apostrophe is taking out the, the I, wetzel, I, is a pretzel. Oh, okay. Just turn into what's in there. Wow, is pretzel too. Oh, wow.

Interesting. I'm not surprised. What do you think is it for a movie for this? You, is this the type of character that you'd like to play as a? Well, kind of. I'm really intrigued by it. If I can just ask August a couple more questions. And you think it's a comedy or you think it's kind of a tonally, well, I mean, this guy's I'm really intrigued by it. Uh, if I can just ask August a couple more questions. And do you think it's a comedy or do you think it's kind of a tonally?

Well, I mean, this guy's life sounded really funny. Yeah, there's lots of funny things from the German comedy or is it? What do you mean comedy is comedy around the world? Doesn't matter. Let me throw a movie out to you. Should list. Very funny. When you think about the moment when the race finds this looking at his fat belly in the mirror, people all over the world would laugh. It's funny. Right. It's hilarious. You're like, hey man, get your belly back. Yeah. Yeah. When you're sure back on you crazy Nazi.

Crazy Nazi. Yeah. Yeah. So there's a millions of jokes in that movie, but so is it a strict 100% comedy? I mean, yeah Maybe yeah But it's hard to say some movies like blurred aligned usually when someone asks themselves a question like that a rhetorical That's for the quick. Is it a strict 100? They usually say well, no, but you say is this a strict 100% comedy? Yeah I mean it's 100% hundred percent comedy. Yeah. I mean, it's one hundred percent like Mr. Bean funny. Yeah. I would say. So, but this movie I think could blur the line a little bit because there's all the pay so there's all the big. But you said it was one hundred percent. It's going to be a real funny, but part of the funny thing. How do you

stick pay those in do something that would make it like a hundred and three percent. Maybe I don't know what word, and pesos is. Oh, yeah. What does that mean to you? It's like, well, because what if part of what's funny, but also maybe it makes you think about it, was that he was always going to take a vacation. And he kept saying, maybe now I take my vacation.

Can I please take my vacation? And he never did. So stupid. Oh, no, no. Stupid man. It's very stupid. Yeah, no, and that's something that you don't have a problem with. You take your vacation all the time.

Always. I'm always taking whatever. How long of a vacation do you get there? Well, it changes year to year based on the factory this year. Unfortunately, I'm only going to get eight and a half months of vacation. I'm so sorry from the factory, but I make do with what I have, you know, so you have to work three and a half months this year? And not all three and a half months of that is work.

Some of it, there's about a month long retreat. Like a corporate retreat, yeah. Okay. With trust falls and stuff like that. Well, Doolman's might work has introduced something called the distrust fall. Oh, it's just an exercise where what you do is just stand up on a high thing, right? And it's going to be a methaman and red men once had. I'll try to convert it into feet the way you use in this country. You're either doing meters, if you like. I could do it in meters. Go ahead, like 30 meters. That's too high. How much is that in feet?

About 90 feet? About 90 feet. And then maybe it's like about that. So you're singing it. I think so. And you're going to what you do is close your eyes and turn around to your back, facing everybody. And they all make like a locked around like almost like a parachute of arms.

Sort of like that. Yeah. And then in you count to 30 and in that time they scatter Well, and then you fall and then you fall 90 feet. I think so. I'm not great with distances, but it's about nine How far away do you think I am from you right now? You right now. It's like one football field No, this year we're we're across the table from each other. How far would you say this table is? It's not a football field. I'll would you say this table is? It's not about the old to say that. It's two meters. Two meters?

Yeah, this is true meters. Then the fall at the distrust fall is probably about 30 meters. It does it two meters. Then I have the president. Thank you. Yes, exactly. We need T-shirts to say this. Well, this is wonderful. I think this is a go picture, Zach. What do you think?

What would the name be? Do you have a name or is there a script or anything? Rare. His name was Hans, and so I was just thinking of calling it Hans's Opus. But he seems like you're drawing a lot from a previous movie that you're taking inspiration. Can I make one casting suggestion of Rachel Dreifers for the lead role? Rachel. Rachel. Rachel. Rachel Dreifers.

Rachel Dreifers. Oh, okay. I see your accent. It sounds like you said Rachel. Oh, no. I would never put Rachel Dreifers in a movie. Oh, yes. Can I ask you one thing for Zach?

I'll just, I just, I just, I movie. Oh, guess, can I ask you one thing for Zach? I'll just, well, be his agent, just for a minute. Yeah, his intermediary. Oh, you're gonna be Rachel Dreyfuss's agent? Oh, well, yeah. It would be Rachel Dreyfuss's agent. What did you negotiate on jobs? I mean, it was a big part, but it was early in his career.

Well, I got Rachel paid on that shit. I got you, all right. Anyway, what you gonna say? Well, she's not really, that's Beanbug. You know that's, Beanbug, Beanbug. Beanbug, Beanbug. She's playing? Well, she's not really, that's bean bug. You know that's being a part. Bean dip, she's playing a part. That's not really, she's not really? No, no, she's acting is exact right now.

Because, you're being exact, say it. I'll be exact, say it. And then I just was like, okay, why don't say it too? But if exacts won't do this movie, it's hard to say, Hansa's tapas. That's hard. It's hard for Zach to say. She should protect her client. Like, is Opus is a hard, that's a hard, so that's what I know.

We're in science. Hansa's Opus. Yeah. Sounds music or it's beautiful in the ear, but saying it's difficult for you to say it. Well, I think that's, I mean, there's other reasons that, I mean, there's other things we should talk about. Yeah, but let me just say good news. It's very unusual that that that lead or that actor in a movie has to say the title of the movie. By the way, I don't think you can be the lead. You think he's worthy too. It's going to be trifles. We try to just is getting up there in years at this point. But I don't even know if he is an active actor at this point.

But sometimes I see him on Twitter. Yeah, I watch him on Twitter. I mean, well, why can't I play him? I mean, well, this thing is the story has to follow him from a baby just about all the way to like a 95-year-old man. And to me, dry fuss is just, he looks like both of those things.

What I like about Mr. Hollins' Ovis is it starts and I'm like, oh, interesting. So here's a 45 year old man. What situation is he in? And then it comes out that he's 20. That's what I'm saying. He can do anything. He can be any age.

But August, my client, that has already profanable allowed from Haustus Outface. What? That's amazing. So you better guess him. Well, I mean, I have to consider him for the lead, you know, I would say. Do you want to have an audition right now? I think it'd be a good idea. Yeah, I'm okay.

If you're serious, you want to show me that you're serious and you want to part. Do you ever seen that he could act out or something like that? I'm trying to do a mon serious, you want to show me that you're serious and you want to part. You have a scene that he could act out or something like that. I thought he's going to do a monologue, you know, can't do the monologue from the moment. Like right before he falls into a pretzel, it's when he's talking about all of his future plans of taking the vacation and, uh-huh. Yeah, exactly. Oh, whatever. I can't, I would have to work on it a little bit with the voice because I'm not very good with German accents. I tell you. I can't, I would have to work on it a little bit with the voice, because I'm not very good with German accents. I'll tell you about it.

It can be untraditioned, you can be whatever, you can be East Texas or something. I suppose. Yeah, being dipped, do you want to try the monologue here? Look, man, I don't give a shit. I'm just trying to get jobs for my client. It's okay, but I'm saying you have an opportunity. I have a really remarkable job here

working at the pretzel factory. Oh my god, that's great so far. I love the people that I work with. Oh, he did. He did. That's true. Okay, so it feels so good. It's so good.

Am I supposed to comment after I've very thought you can? Easy to please. What a wonderful job. That's exactly how I'm proud. It's uncanny. Let me just have my one pretzel for the day. What happened? That's him falling into it. Oh, that's wonderful. Wow. Wow. That was on. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Wow. That was fantastic. Oh my god. Wow. Wow. Wow. Powerful.

So what do you, uh, August, what do you think? I mean, this is, I mean, that was pretty fantastic. Um, yeah, I think, uh, you know, a few more auditions. Oh, of, of, for Zactado, like more callbacks or you're, yeah, I'm looking at other actors. Oh, well, of course, look, you understand we have to try drivers. But he says no, you know, we have a couple more callbacks for you. Do you think drivers is going to want to solely the legacy of Mr. Hollins Opus by doing a movie called a Huns' Opus? About a guy about a guy who turns into a pretzel. Well, I do think it's that it would have to become a trilogy. Is this like part of the Opus first?

That's what I'm saying? He's going to go these one more Opus. Before he can rest, when you say that, you mean die. Yeah, I think dry plus is ready to rest. But first, you must do two more Opus. This is not a good pitch for drivers. By the way, look, look, I know you're ready to die. This is what I'm going gonna say to his angel.

Before he can lie down. Before he can write. In the eternal slumber. In the eternal slumber's up, which he has so richly deserved her. Which is. Number one, three. All right, episode 13.

Fun. Fun stuff. If there's anything I could say about it is fun. That's right. After the clip that you just heard, Andy as August Lint talks about his exciting trip to Snake Island, which is a place that he had read about, I think, and came in with a lot of detail about. It's very, very funny. That's a great episode. We only scratched the surface on that one. That's a really good one.

So listen to why did you only scratch the surface and why didn't you like dig all the way down to the bone? Wouldn't it be great if when instead of playing clips we just played the entire episode? When you hear the phrase scratch the surface. Yes. What are you picturing as the surface? Skin. That's me too. Yeah, but it's not, right? It's supposed to mean just like ground. Yeah, the earth, yeah. But I think of skin all the time. I do too, it's great.

Mainly because my skin is so itchy. Yeah, I'm constantly scratching. So when I hear scratch the surface, I'm like, oh, like I'm doing right now. Yeah, I'm not just scratching the surface. I go all the way. I go all the way through the meat. Into the sinews. Well, Paul, that's going to conclude

our first episode here of the best of us. I'm proud of us and I think we did a great job. Yeah, I give us a B minus. Why? Why not an A plus? Because I think you know, what can we have done differently? Because we have to record some more. So let's, okay, let's do notes. What can we have done differently? I gotta tell you, I do not miss being in live theater and having notes after every rehearsal. All right, notes. Let's huddle up for notes. They take an hour. Okay, you, when you're here doing this, you do that. When you're, you're going stage left, you should be going stage right and just takes an hour and then you have to say like Be more specific. What are you talking about when you say you and you who do you mean? Wait, do we play oh, yeah, we got to play the snowman before we go. Yeah, okay, so I want to add a wrinkle to it

Oh, yeah, please I would like just like our faces every I Would like to assign this chair, okay, as the listener. Okay. So that if the way the snowman game is played is, we have this adorable little snowman, and he sings, let it snow, or I'm chunk of it. Does he sing, let it snow?

He does. And he spins around after each little stanza and stops. And then at the very end when he stops singing, he does one final spin. And if he looks at you, you win because you feel elated. And you're gonna have a great 2024, if this happens. We've added that to it too.

Yeah. So now he's here. We want to make sure he doesn't spin around and get caught on those wires. That's why I'm worried about it. Yes, I'm worried about the wires. I mean, he spins in place. Okay, I was just worried about his candy cane.

Yeah, okay, that seems to be clear. Okay, so this is exciting. This is the most exciting minutes in podcasting. I would say, and listener, we will let you know if he is looking at you. If he's looking at you, we have assigned the chair for the listener. And I hope it will give them the same feeling.

I hope so. That would, to be honest, I would much rather look at the listener than me because that means everyone listening will have a great year. And I'll sacrifice myself, but I do hope all of us get it this year. I hope so too. All right, here we go.

So we just give one go, right? Just one go and point the mic at him so that we can hear his. Here we go. Here we are. Oh, this is so exciting. Oh, he's spinning. First spin. First spin.

Oh, look at the listener. He's looking at the listener right now. It's not going to end there, though. Spinning around again. Almost looking at the listener. He's looking at the listener right now. It's not gonna end there though. Spinning around again. Almost looking at the listener again. Oh my gosh, he's spinning again. Look at him. Look at me. Oh my gosh. Where's it gonna end up? It's gonna happen. Oh, looking right. Dead set in my eyes. Right at you. Oh my God, this is not how, I don't think it looked at either of us last year. No, I don't think so.

And first attempt, holy shit. I got it. And this is not even off. I gotta get a fucking picture. This is not even like a little bit of skew where we go. Yeah, he's kind of looking at me. He's looking dead straight at me.

I can even tell from the back. He's like, yeah, he's chilling. He is dead straight out. I can't even tell from the back. He's like, yeah, he's chilling. He is locked in. Incredible. I'm going to have a great 2024. Congratulations. Well, right with it in the episode. Listeners, you're going to have to listen to our next three episodes

to hear whether you're going to have a great 2024. The next episode will be on Thursday of this week. Then part three will be on Monday of next week. And then part four will be on Thursday of this week. Then part three will be on Monday of next week and then part four will be on Thursday of next week. That's gonna do it for this episode. When we see you next time, we're gonna be counting down 12, 11, and we're gonna crack the top 10.

We're gonna do 10 and nine. This is so exciting. So exciting. Not as exciting as that, but exciting nonetheless. What else can you say but? Wow! All right, see you next time, bye. exciting. Not as exciting as that, but exciting nonetheless. What else can you say, but wow! I see you next time. Bye.