Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bones Are Important (Kumail Nanjiani, Will Hines, Charlie McCrackin)

Episode Date: December 1, 2025

Kumail Nanjiani is here to promote “Night Thoughts,” his upcoming comedy special on Hulu. He also discusses the finer points of “The X Files” and the MCU. Charity organizer Wyatt Malibu shares innovative ideas for fundraising, and his work on many Church roofs. Then, Inspector Jack Cates talks about his role in the unpleasantness that occurred at his family reunion. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, comedy bang, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy. I ate it all, baby, that's no lie. I'm in love with an apple pie. I want to bite into a crust. so sweet. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, thank you to Tommy Showbiz. The Tommy Showbiz for that catchphrase submission. Wow. Submitted January 7th of 2023. Congratulations, Tommy Showbiz. Hope you're still alive and still a listener. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. This is an exciting week to have a podcast. I'll tell you that much because we have a panel of experts. I wouldn't even call them experts. I mean, one of them is definitely an expert in his chosen field, but you consider yourself to be an expert?

Me? Yeah. No. No? You haven't perfected the craft of comedy itself? Oh, God. No, that's the project of my life. On my death bed, I'll be like, aha.

And then I'll die. You mean, ha-ha. Ha-ha. Finally, I figured it out. Well, we do have a great panel, and I'll get to our guest of honor here in just a second. Coming up a little later, we have a someone in law. enforcement. We also have a charity organizer. So an exceptional panel for our first show of December. But let's get to, you heard him speaking not moments ago about his desires upon his

death. But let's talk about his life because he currently has, we're on the precipice of the release of an incredible comedy special called Night Thoughts, which reaches Hulu. on December 19th. That's when it arrives or... Yeah, I'm told that's when it... That's when they get it. That's the delivery day. You know, I've been tracking UPS.

Sometimes they fuck it up. But I'm hoping, they seem pretty confident. So, you know, it may not get there until the 21st or something like that, but... No, I hope it is. I mean, the 19th, really, I think it's like in Wisconsin somewhere right now. Okay, yeah.

And I picked, like, the cheapest option, which is like, it's like a guy. That's why it's so far away from here? Yeah, I ordered it a month. to go. Yeah. So it's supposed to get there. Yeah.

And they shipped it right away, too. Wow. Night Thoughts is the special, and it is on Hulu on December 19th, and I'm looking up how many episodes of Comedy Bang Bang he's in, because I want to welcome him into whatever club he is currently on. First number in my head was six. He is joining the exclusive eight-timers club. I was very close.

I thought this was seven. You can't call six and eight close. No. I thought this was the seventh. I mean, if you're thinking of thousands or millions, but it's not possible for you to. I was off by one.

I was going to say, I've done six. That's not close. Like how many is possible? How many is possible? I mean, how many have you had? Well, wait,

900 and some of seven or nine hundred and 80 something. So in that, you think you've been on hundreds and hundreds of episodes? I'm saying if I'm off by one and you've had over 900, that's pretty good. What I'm saying is how, many as possible. You've probably only done at the most 10. So to say, like, I'm off by one, how close I was. Well, you, I mean, what are you going to guess? One? You know it's not one.

Yeah. I know it's not one. You know it's between five and ten, right? I'm sorry, Scott, I hadn't memorized the exact number of episodes I've been on your show for next time. Next time you quiz me, I will know. You'll join the nine-timers club. Yeah. But please welcome him to the eight-timers club, Kumail Nanjiani. Welcome back. Thrilled to be back. Thank you. So wonderful to have you. love when you make time for comedy bang bang when you take a break from all of your busy projects yeah yeah well i love when comedy bang bang it takes time out for me that's right yeah because we uh we choose to do one episode a week you know what i mean like i could just not do it some people do three or four and then they get to the top of the charts have you thought about that some

people do three or four that's right mark maren sort of game the system that way and he got all the way to the top and then he's like uh i'm too tired of this i do one of week and I keep it consistent and I'm not going to quit okay I love it I love it I think it's cheating to do multiple a week so do I always be number one you used to be a podcaster you're not yeah I left both stand-up and podcast right before it got lucrative I really left both stand-up got lucrative it is for some people now it is yeah yeah the touring though well I guess podcasting as well the touring and the podcast I mean people are selling out arenas people like my mom. There's never been in history. Every comedian that could sell out arenas my mom had heard of,

except for right now, there's probably like 10 people my mom has never heard of who are selling out arenas. I'm constantly amazed by the people who, you know, there's that there's that a dropout show with people that I know on it that does Dungeons and Dragons. They're like, oh, yeah, we sold out Madison Square Garden twice. Yeah. I've never even heard of it until he just told me about it. A lot of nerds in New York City. Yeah. A lot of nerds. We hate New York, right? I love the other nerds. You and I both, I mean, you and I both got in super great shape. Yeah, that's right.

Like a few years back. Yeah, and then now I'm like, fuck New York. I'm in good shit now. I don't need you anymore. My favorite thing, oh, I'd love to go to an arena and watch stand-up comedy. I know. I'd love to be so far away. Oh, so exciting.

With the sound echo-y? Yeah, yeah, where they have to wait like 40 seconds to hear laughter. Oh, seems great. What's the biggest room that comedy should be in, in your opinion, in order to enjoy it? Okay. The biggest room. I would say, like, pretty conservative. Like, $2,500 is very big and seems good.

Okay, yeah. So, like, the Chicago Theater or something like that? That's exactly what I was thinking of. Okay, that's $3,000, I believe. Okay, all right. Well, I don't want to sell the last $500 tickets. Okay, good. And did you when you were there recently?

I did a different theater. Oh, no. Yeah. Not to Chicago. How dare you? I did the Vick, which was like I had a real personal connection. What's that short for? Vichard?

Yeah, the Vitchard Theater, yeah. So you think about 2,500 is good. I think that's about right. Yeah, I think so, too. Although, you know, you see clips of like Steve Martin and Pee Wee Herman doing the Universal Amphitheater back in the day. The two biggest comedians of all time. And then people seem to enjoy it there, but it was an event. Yeah, I mean, Steve Martin was the first one to do arenas, right?

Yeah, I think so. And then he stopped, much like Mark Maren at the top of his game. Yeah, he thought it was too big. where people weren't getting the subtleties anymore. Yeah. Just there to like repeat the jokes he was doing. He also became a massive movie star. That might have helped him.

That might have been like that transition. I've got an off-ramp now being the biggest star in the world. Well, speaking of massive movie stars, Kumail is a massive movie star. You were in a movie called The Big Sick, which was a gigantic hit. Yeah. And you're also a superhero in those Eternals things. Yeah, yeah. You know, are those guys coming back?

They're not. They're gone. The name was very ironic. They named it wrong. Yeah. You're not going to show up in secret wars. Expendables, fucking, they made six of them. And those guys are expendable.

We're eternal. They made one. What? Come on. Do it Seeker Awards with Tatiana Maslani being she-hold. You know what? I will. I should have said yes to that.

Yeah. I don't know why. I was like, oh, Kevin Feigey's calling? Well, no. Uh-uh. I got to work on my stand-up special. Kill deadpool in it or whatever. turn him into an eternal or whatever.

I don't care. That would be, if, if Deadpool was in our, in Eternals, then we would have gotten to do more of them. Deadpool v. Eternals. That guy's a star. Yeah. Well, you know, you were very funny in that Eternals movie and you also like held out your hands going like, I was trying to be serious, Scott.

No, you weren't. I know. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You saw it? Yeah, you were the guys. I saw before it ever even came out over there at the, uh, Cal Capiton Theater and a special screening.

Oh, like at the premiere? Before the premiere. Why did you... Are you like a big comic book fan? Yeah, I am actually. Yeah. But I was there, I believe Kulap got invited with some sort of special group. What'd you think of it?

I liked that. I thought you were great. Oh, thank you. I thought you were very, very funny, and I... Had a great time. You know, I mean, I could bust out my entire Marvel Cinematic Universe rankings, if you like. Yeah, give me the top. Give me the top.

Number one, used to be Iron Man. The first one was just classic. So good. But I kind of feel like Avengers Endgame was just so good. Yeah. You know, it has everything in it. That was a hit. That's number one.

So I think those two are in one and two. What's the bottom? Bottom, maybe, I hate to say it because our good friend's wife is in it, but secret invasion maybe. Who's our good friend's wife? Our good friend in Long Lakes. You remember Long Lakes. Long Legs is married. We didn't get into who Long Leggues married the last time he was on the show.

Yeah, we didn't get to that. But, yeah, I did not see Secret Invasion. Well, you know, you don't have to. You live it. You live this life. You know, you're out there. You probably, do you get the, like, is it like the presidential briefing that he gets on his desk every day? Like, whatever the Marvel characters are up to and stuff?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could tell you what any of them are doing right now. They've been, like, taking a break. They're taking a break. Most of them are. Like Ross and Rachel? Right. They're on a break.

Yeah, Thor's like, I was going to break. Thor. Fucking Thor. Fucking Thor. Am I right? Yeah. Did you get to meet Thor? Was he in your movie?

I'm trying to remember. Thor was not in my movie. They all bleed together. He was in Guardians, right. Yeah, yeah. Guardians were in his movie. Guardians, love and, love and side. What's it called?

Love and Side kicks. It's called Love and Side kicks. Yeah. Love and Thunder. It's called Love and Love and Sidekicks. But then you got, you got Blade at the end of, your movie. Yeah. He hasn't come back either. And he hasn't come back either. Yeah. And then that sword and all that. You really, you really did watch this movie. What's going on with it? What's

going on with the sword and what's going on with Pip the Troll and all that kind of stuff? Yeah, Pip the Troll is another friend of ours. Yeah. Yeah. And Harry Stiles. Harry Stiles. Harry Stiles. Harry Stiles. Yeah. He was in it. What's going on with all that? I don't think much. I think that's that's it. I think that's it. But if called, will you answer the call? Much like the Lady Ghostbusters. I think they're just called the Ghostbusters. I don't think they're called the Lady Ghostbusters. But I think they amended the title like Lady Ghostbusters.

Come on. No, I think they, it's now like Ghostbusters answer the call. It is of Ghostbusters answer the call. A lot like Live Die Repeat became the title of Edge of Tomorrow. Yeah, exactly. Which do you prefer? Edge of Tomorrow, Live Day Repeat. Live Day Repeat to me sounds like a shampoo thing, you know.

It does. And I would do that. If a shampoo bottle says, On the instructions said die in the middle of it. Yeah. I would just follow it blindly. Yeah. It's what a sheeple I am.

I genuinely do follow all directions on shampoo. Are you really? Are you a follower or are you a leader? A hundred percent follower. My wife is a leader. I'm definitely a follower. I follow the rules. You're a rule of them.

So am I. It's annoying, isn't it? There's a lot of them. There's a lot of rules, but I think breaking them is so stressful. I know. But you're, I mean, there's too many rules. So you're a fan of D-Rake. regulation is what you're trying to say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all that that politically entails, I'm into that. You had a podcast, it was, you had a gaming podcast, you also had an X-Files podcast, did you not? I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what do we think of Pluribus? Have you watched it now? Because that's, of course, X-Files adjacent, wouldn't you say? Well, yeah, the creator of Pluribus, Vince Gilligan's got his, Vince Gilligan's, he got his start.

Gilligan, just say it like that. He got his start on X-Files. He was, I believe, an AD on X-Files and then wrote an episode. He wrote an episode called Drive in season 6. Which one was Drive? Brian Cranston was in it. And when he was casting Breaking Bad, they were like, you want the guy from Malcolm in the middle? He's like, no, I did this episode with him, and I think he can do this.

That's why Brian Cranston is in Breaking Bad because of X-Files. Interesting. And then Vince Gilligan segued into playing the police commissioner on an episode of Comedy Bang, Bang, the TV show. That's what he's mainly known for Incredible, yeah I don't know what pluribus is Sounds like a made-up word I am watching it

I love it, that Ray Seahorn She can act She can now Now out of all the actors Let's rank actors I would say Ray would be top five She's top five definitely Yeah

Who are the other four The lady who plays her girlfriend On the show She's great We've only seen her in one episode She's number two Although no she was in another episode We're in there at Ice Hotel

Just for a moment in that Ice Hotel I looked it up. There are multiple ice hotels. Yeah, there are. Do you want to go to one? No, you and me. It seems like a nightmare.

Let's go. I don't like the cold. How long could the plane? Do you get to take an ice plane there? You get to take Wonder Woman's plane? An ice cab? Yeah. From the airport there.

And, okay, so let's see. Other good actors, yeah, that Ray Romano from your movie. He's, I would say he's number six. He's not quite in the top five. He's great. He's great. He's phenomenal. What was it like working with him?

Did he ever mess up in the middle of the line and go, Deborah? He's really. Oh, no, that's my other show. How you imagine he is is how he is. Yeah. Would it surprise you to know that I took a vacation once and at the hotel he and his family were there? It wouldn't surprise me because it would be a psychotic thing to make up for you. Like if you were like, and it wasn't true, what's wrong with you?

What was it? Would it also surprise you to, I don't want to give away my assassination location, but would it also surprised you to learn that I once took a vacation and Ed O'Neill was there at the bar. Not that would surprise me. It would surprise you. I just don't see you guys going to the same haunts. You guys have different vibes. Yeah, that's true. Although I did go see him in a play back when I was 20 years old and somehow me and my friends finagled an invite to the after party at a bar. And we showed up to the bar and talked to him and George went. Oh, my God. Everyone else in the play

And when George went Walked into the bar Everyone shouted Norm And then someone gave him a beer And he just kind of like Waved to everyone It was very nice And then I worked with him

On the comedy bang bang TV show And then saw him in another thing And I reminded him of that And he kind of said Yeah that happened all the time He passed away I assume Yeah recently Assume

I don't know why are you I mean I assume he's gone I would think that you read it I just I don't know If I'm walking in Every time I'm walking to a bar, someone hands me a free beer. I'm not going to last that long.

I mean, he actually lasts it a long time. TikTok, yeah, totally. He did. For that life, he did last a long time. Well, the special is called Night Thoughts, and you were on a mere year ago, I believe, was your last appearance. With long legs? Is it with long legs? That's right.

Oh, this was, no, I'm sorry, this was two years ago. No, one year ago, sorry, back in September. and you were embarking upon... That was the seventh time I did this show. Yes, that's right. Yeah. That's going to be ingrained in your memory for the next time you're on.

But you were embarking upon the tour and then presumably you filmed the tour or one night of it. Did you film every single night and then edited it together from every single? Yeah. You remember when Chris Rock did that where he was in three different countries?

So the setup would be in New York and then the punchline would be in Paris. I thought, it was a I mean complex for Beyonce to do that with two different nights at Coachella like ping pong and back different because the whole thing of comedy is the whole thing is you have to be like I'm just coming up with this I'm just saying this stuff when you set it in different cities it just makes you feel like oh this guy like sat down and wrote all these jokes and memorized them it just highlights how at its core fucking lame stand-up comedy

I don't like when I go see a stand-up I hate to think about that stand-up in a different room like, going, like, sighing heavily and then opening his computer and writing jokes. It's like, oh, God, how depressing. I mean, yeah, you don't want to highlight that. Beyonce, you're not like, oh, she's coming up with that at the top of her head. No, and then they're intercutting, like, footage of the rehearsals, and you're like, oh, she works hard. Yeah, yeah. But for you, you want it to, you want everyone to think when they go see Camel that you thought of these things just mere moments before you say that.

Yeah. Like, people have come to shows in different cities, like, the same week and been, like, well, it was all the same material. It's like, yeah, man, I didn't write a new hour since Wednesday. But, yeah, I did two shows at the Vic in Chicago. Oh, you shot it in Chicago. That's great. And this, you shot it at the Vic instead of the Chicago Theater because maybe the sight lines. Instead of?

Like, there are other theaters. I shot at the Vic because in a long time ago, I don't know the dates. I could probably come up with the dates. I opened for Zach Galfanakis there I used to open for Zach Friend of the show On tour Lovely man, friend of the show

He was on earlier in the year And we said he needed a hit And then Lilo and Stitch came out It was a big hit for him So I think Huge I think that we had We played a small part in that

Yeah I would say a very small part Through his resume Or his filmography And we talked about How he really needed a hit Wow That sounds like a very stressful

appearance. But yeah, I opened for him there and I was like, well, someday I want to headline this venue and then the next time I played was when I taped my special there. Incredible story. Where could

this story possibly go after this? Oh, God, I need a hit. What was the last movie you were in? Speaking of which. I got one coming out this month, next month. Really? Yeah, what is it? Ella McKay.

L. McKay? Yeah, it's James L. Brooks. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy Lee Curtis and- I saw the trailer to that a couple of times. What was that like working with James L. Brooks? Woody Harrelson. Albert Brooks.

Albert Brooks is in it. A.B. hung out with him. You hung out with him? Yeah. Really? What's he like? Tell me everything.

He's wonderful. He's great. He knows every single comedy thing. So he was naming, like he was talking to me about Matt Reif. I was like, you should not know who Matt Reif. No one should, right? Well, I'm not saying that. But it's weird. He like keeps up on TikTok and he knows all the new comedians and everything. So he knew your stuff and and I guess. Yeah. It didn't come up. But he did know. Well, it seems like if he was talking about everyone, you should be included. I am. If the group is everyone, I'm certainly part of that group. Yeah, but not as much as Matt Reif is. Yeah. I mean, Matt Reif is. I mean, Matt Reif. Rife truly was everyone for a little while. That's right, yeah. We all were, it was Pluribus, but Matt Rife.

We were really into, yeah. I'm really enjoying Pluribus. Are you enjoying it? I am a lot, yes. Yeah. It seems to come up every episode that we've done recently. It's fantastic. You brought it up.

I know. So you can't be like, it seems to come up. You're bringing it up, Scott. It just somehow. Somehow every episode we talk about Pluribus. Yeah, you've got to stop bringing it up, man. There's a very, very easy fix to this problem. So what is the role in Ella McKay that you play?

So Emma Mackey's the lead who plays, guess who she plays? Ella McKay. That's correct. You've seen that movie, too. Do you think that James L. Brook, by the way, thought he was naming the movie after her and got her name wrong? I think there's like a 30% chance that's true. There's like a quick, there's a little bit of a chance that's true. Because he's a, what a long-storied career, the Mary Tyler Moore show, the Simpsons,

Podcast News, Terms of Endearment, as good as it gets. So many incredible projects he's worked on. But he's an older gentleman. Do you think he just was like, let's just call it her name, Ella McKay. Yeah, there's a chance. I play, so she's a governor, and I play like her bodyguard cop guy who's like assigned to protect her. Oh, do you carry a piece? I carry a piece.

Do you get to, like, shoot anyone in the movie? It's not that kind of movie. Wouldn't it be great, though, if the last. acts though was maybe like full action she's kidnapped and you go after the kidnappers you're gonna be taken do we have time for reshoots we got two weeks before this fucking thing comes out jim i got a pitch for you what if she's kidnapped yeah and then i kill everybody and she doesn't make it is there romance between the two of you i would imagine hints a little hints of romance i actually have not seen the movie okay so you don't know if that made it in or read the script no would you like

looking longingly at her in every scene. I think there's some of that. I think I certainly, there's an attraction there, for sure. Was that just something you added to the part? No, it was in the script. I want to be clear, I added nothing to the script. I said what he told me to say.

Yeah, but when you get on set, you can riff, right? James L. Brooks? Yeah, why not? Yeah. What if you do? He actually does love riffing. Oh, does he really? Yeah, he loves it too much.

Oh, so there was a lot of improv in the... Well, sometimes he gets into it, Then he's like, now say this, now say this. And you're kind of like, yeah, this is all great, but it's funny. But I don't think it's going to be in the movie. He likes options, though, right? Who doesn't like options? Who doesn't love options?

Who doesn't love, and this is the one movie I directed, who doesn't love a seven-hour cut? You have to whittle down. It's like sculpting. You know what I mean? Like, there's a good movie in here somewhere. Yeah. And I somehow have to find it in the next few months, but I shot a fucking seven or eight-hour movie. I don't know why.

Yeah. Good luck. Yeah. But that's great, Ella McKay. That must be exciting for you. So you got a movie coming out. That's going to be a hit. You got a hit coming.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it's going to be a hit. But also in the next season of Fallout. Do you watch Fallout? Oh, yeah, Fallout's great. Great. Yeah, can you talk about what role you play? I play. No, I don't know.

I play someone in like the Brotherhood. You know, the Knights? I'm in that crew. Okay. I play someone in that crew. Do you do scenes with John Daly? I didn't have any scenes with. John Daly.

Too bad. Yeah, I know. What about Gaggins? No, I was with Aaron Moten, who's like in that, I was in that storyline. Okay. It seems like there'd be a cast party, though, at someone's house afterwards. Yeah, I couldn't make it. I could not go to the, I genuinely could not go to the rap party.

Maybe at a bowling alley or something, Gagins and everyone just. Gagins. Have you had him on? God, I would love to have Gagins on. He'd be top five. He's in the five. He's amazing actor. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't even mean, like, currently. I mean, like, of all time. So you don't like him currently? No, I'm saying he's great and would be in the top five of all actors who have ever acted. Okay. I would go with that. Yeah.

Yeah. He's great. Who else? He makes his face look like a full monster on that show. He's so good. In Fallout, yeah. That's no makeup. That's all him.

He showed up. Wow, you're really good. I hear that he actually puts on his regular face for other projects. That's his real face. Yeah. He finally found the right project, I guess. He really did. He was up for Skeletor for years.

But, you know, that movie keeps getting pushed. With Noah Centinino. Exactly. Is that who that is? I mean, that is, is that who Noah Centinio is? The guy who didn't play. Is he a He-Man? He was supposed to be, I think it got scuttled or ankleed, as variety, would say.

But I'm anxiously awaiting it. No, the original He-Man. Who played the original He-Man? Dolph Lundgren. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. And what's his name in Rocky for? Ivan Drago.

Ivan Drago. That's right. That's right. He's a, he's like a PhD in chemistry or something. He is, yeah. And he's one of the expendables. And he's one of the, I saw him recently in real life. Really? That bone structure holds up. He looks great. Bones are important. Go ahead. What were you going to say about bones? Bones are important. That is so true.

You know, I've never heard it, but sometimes you hear something and you're like, that is so true, I can't believe that that's the first time I'm hearing it. I thought bones were expendable, turns out, bones are important. Where do you see a guy like, Lungren, Rungren? Lundgren, you're like that, like, have you seen Clean Slate, that movie, Clean Slate? Oh, yeah, yeah, Dana Garvey. I love that movie. Yeah, you're like if that guy ended up in like a classroom, oh, I have to, like, teach kids about biology. bones are important Well

Ella McKay is out soon Night Thoughts is out on Hulu December 19th I really want to focus on night thoughts More than I want to focus on the Ella McKay Because LMAK does well It doesn't change your life

It's got other people's It's on other people's shoulders But You know if Who else is in LMAK you were saying Jimmy Lee Curtis Albert Brooks So if Night Thoughts does well, their lives don't improve or...

Certainly not. Yeah. No, Jamie Lee Curtis is unaffected by my success or failure. But she might send you a nice note. She might send me... She actually might send me a nice note. Yeah. So we want Night Thoughts to do well so Jamie Lee Curtis can send Kumel a nice note.

Among other reasons, yeah. Well, Night Thoughts is coming out December 19th. Umail Nanjiani joining the exclusive A-timers Club. We need to take a break. If that's okay, we have a charity organizer and a person in law enforcement. This is exciting to talk to someone in law enforcement in this climate. Good. I am totally on their side no matter what. 100% law enforcement.

All right, we're going to take a break. We'll be right back with more comedy bang-bang after this. Stop talking about this. Comedy Bang-Bing, we're back. Humail Nanjiani Night Thoughts. Hulu, December 19th, you ever think about getting back into podcasting now that it's so lucrative?

Yeah, but what should my podcast be? I already did video games and X-Files. What's left? I mean they haven't made any new video games, or? They have, but I haven't made any new X-Files? They haven't. Oh, that's right. Rank your X-File seasons for us.

Four? Four. Is number one. Four is number one. Got it. I'm going to go. four, three, five. I'm going to put six there before two and one.

Yeah. Because one and two, they're still figuring it out and there's a bunch of clunkers or? I would say one, they're figuring it out. I mean, the good episodes are great, but they don't quite know exactly what the show is. Like two, three, four, five are considered the height of the show. Yes. Some people say six is like, I think six is a totally underrated season because six comes after the movie. You remember there's a movie?

Yes, the first movie. Yeah. I remember six being about where I tapped out, where I was like, oh, I'm not quite sure. Because of the movie, I was a little like, oh, that didn't really solve anything. No, I think you could see what they were trying to do, but the show was so successful that they couldn't tie it up.

Right, yeah. Between five and six, there's the movie. What's good is after the movie, season six, there's no pressure to, they're like, they give themselves a break and they tell a bunch of, like, great one-off stories. Those are the ones that I really liked. Yeah, I thought the alien storyline was really good, too.

they just couldn't end it when they wanted to end it. How did it? How did it? Not sure. Hmm. You had a podcast about it. Yeah, I don't, I don't think it ended. I don't think the story ended. Oh, well, maybe someday it will. Would you bring it back as the executive producer? The X-Files? Yeah. Yes. Okay. Let's get you in that room. I'd bring it back in a heartbeat. Yeah, okay. Well, if you're out there, Chris, what was his name? Connolly? No, he was the movie review for MTV News. Chris Carter. Chris Carter, if you're out there listening, Kumail wants to bring back the X-Files. Please. Would you do the, would you be,

I mean, you already have this experience as an agent guarding L.M.K. I know, I kept the gun. I kept the suit. You kept the gun? No, I didn't keep the gun. But, but I know how to hold a gun now. You know, wait, before, what were you doing? Picking it up by the barrel?

Yeah, I was picking up by the barrel. I was putting it in my mouth. Oh, no. But the wrong end, not like the, not the good buy. Were the barrels pointing at your penis? Yes. Exactly. It's my penis. Yep. Well, we need to get to our next guest if that's okay. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, okay. Well, let's bring him on. He's a charity organizer. Please welcome Wyatt Malibu. Hey, how are you? God, so great. Doing so good. This is Camel. Oh, how are you? Wyatt. Lovely to meet you. Thank you. Are you from California? The name Malibu implies that.

I wish I was. I wish you were. I wish I was. Why? What's a lovely place? The sunshine. Yeah, but you could live here. Why do you have to be from? Well, I do live here. Well, great. Then that's half the battle already. Why do you want to be from here? Okay. I don't know why I run out to fight about this.

It's not a fight. He's just asking you a very reasonable question. Absolutely. Yes. No, I'm from the dead center of Iowa. Dead center. What is the dead center? What do you mean by that?

I'm in the Quad Cities, Iowa. Right in the middle. I do know Quad Cities. It's great place. Love it. Great place. But you prefer not to be. Now, I forget.

What are the names of the cities? I forget the name All four of them All four Quad cities Yeah well with their names I forget Since you're from there I'm from there

I know the four Quad cities Are Hamsberg And then south of that is Via Signore Via Signor Iowa yeah And then And then Shopsville

Shopsville Yeah that's the major You know Entertainment They got outlet malls Yeah they had They were really into zoning In the early days of Iowa

And then the last one is Quad Cities West. Quad Cities West, Shopsville, Via Senor, and Hamsberg. Okay, yeah, and you're from all of them, you were saying? No, I'm from right in the middle. From the unincorporated zone of Quad Cities, Iowa. So was your house kind of in the... My house is the geographic center of Quad Cities, Iowa. Okay, so it straddled all four of them.

Look, my grandfather was an eccentric man, and he set this up. Okay, but he's no longer with us. He specifically wanted to be right in the middle of... All four, I didn't none of them. He was what we call a map, a maphead. Uh-huh. Is that what we call it? He was into maps.

And I guess I never knew him. He died before I was born. Did he make maps or was just a fan? He made maps. He was a cartographer. He was a fan and he also made map. Made a ton of them. He mapped a lot of stuff.

I think map guys call it cartography. Yeah, they call it. That's right. He was a cartographer. But when you say what we call a map guy, people who aren't interested in this. No, in my family, it's like, that guy was a real maphead. Oh, I see. Yeah.

It's kind of a dismissive term. About the grandfather, right. But the guy. Well, he had a lot of, he was like a local character, and so he was kind of full of himself. He wasn't so good to his family. He was more into his public image. What does not good to his family mean? He didn't leave you money.

He didn't leave us money. Well, make your own money. Okay. Well, how much money is there in map maker? He had a ton. This guy had a ton. He was sitting on it. Aren't all the maps made?

Not in his time. Okay. Now it's over. Now it's the industry's over. Google's got it. They're not making more earth or anything like that. They're not making more earth. Bones are important.

No, I guess that's true. I never thought about that. Two things. Where are you here? I'm here because I run charities and it's the holiday season. You run charities? I run charities. That's right.

That's okay. So you're the president of several charities? I am in a way. In a way. Because what we do now is there's, I don't know if you guys know about this, but there's pop-up charities. Oh, no, I haven't heard about it. Well, have you heard of pop-up charities?

I've heard of like pop-up bagel places and things like that. It's like that. Pop-up video. Pop-up video. It's not at all like pop-up. It's a beautiful rendition of the theme song. Yeah, thank you, thank you. That's like the new heart theme.

Pop up, maybe, you know. Go ahead. Pop-up charities. Pop-up, yes, thank you. Pop-up charities. So, yeah, like, instead of the sort of long-standing classic charities, like Uniceff, you know, or the red cross, yeah. The Red Cross? Red Cross, yeah.

What's the one with the Red Cross? Yep. What's that one that has the Red Cross? I was thinking of the Red Santa guy. Yeah, okay, right. That's Goodwill? What's the one where the doctors don't have any borders? What's that, charity?

called. It's probably doctors without workers, I guess. So these are pop-ups. Those are long-standing charities. The problem with them is they get so much bureaucracy, there's so much staff, there's so many expensive... Red tape. That's what I was seen. Red tape. They have trouble getting their mission done. So now they have these

pop-up charities that sort of just come into existence with a skeleton crew, gather some money, get it to who needs it, and then go away. What about a Skeletor crew? That is a very... Oh, yeah, going back to... Skeleton. Wouldn't that be fun? Wouldn't that be great? It is true because, you know, UNICEF's been at it so long, and they haven't cured any, they haven't fixed anything.

Just like, right, well, I mean, I don't know if I'd say they haven't fixed it. I don't want to go on the record and say UNICEF's getting worse. Yeah, I'm staying away from that. What's UNICEF stand for? It stands for the United Nations. Yeah, United Nations International Children's Something Fund. Escape Fund. They haven't fixed it.

Yeah, get them out. Yeah. Children are still around, so they have not fixed anything. I guess you're right. Unicef is a failure. I guess I will go on record. So you're the. So I'm president of sort of short-term charities.

Temporary charities. Just like, hey, let's... You come in, you fix a problem, you get out. Like, instead of trying to fix big, big problems that are difficult for to solve, you know, maybe a church's roof has caved in from a storm. Let's get a pop-up charity. Sort of one step above a go-fund me. Oh, okay.

Let's rally the community organizers. I'll be in charge that. Get some donations. Fix that roof. Close down the organization. So you gave that as an example. Has that ever happened? That has happened several times.

the church the roofs of church roofs of churches collapse all the time they're not well built you got to start making your roofs you got to start making your roofs better i've had at least 10 churches with the roofs have completely caved because of weather because of weather rainstorm hits the church is not ready building churches just expecting sunshine 365 days now i have a pitch for you if this is such a very specific issue that comes up why not have a charity devoted to that specific and then just they can handle all the times it happens instead of starting a new one for each church that needs through things. You don't want the red tape to accumulate. The minute you start having an organization stick around, you've got legacy employees. You have people who have been around a while. How many employees do you have? Oh, yeah, because the worst thing is experience for employees. It's not just they get entitlement and sometimes you hire somebody and they're great and then they don't get it. They're not as great, but you still feel loyal to them. Yeah, then start unions, you know. That's right. Unions are bad. Deregulation and non-union.

That's what we're for here on comedy. I don't want to say unions are bad. In the world of charity, maybe we don't need unions. So you say you only have one. We're just trying to get the money not to the staff, but through the staff. Hey, shut up for a second. Okay. You say you only have.

You say, only have. Hey, Mr. Papa, why don't you shut up for a second, okay? What a refreshing talk show host you are with that kind of stress. I wish more talk show hosts. Cut right to the chase. I watched Jimmy Fallon and gosh, what a great guy. But I think he should just tell those people to shut up. I got a question for you.

All right, so you say you only have one employee. Is that you or you have another employee? No, it's me. It's me. I take care of it. Okay. I take care of everything. So you full 360 service.

Full 360 service. You hand the money to me. I pass it out of the churches. The roof is fixed. No problems. Move on. But are you hiring contractors to do this kind of stuff? If need be?

What happened? So people hand you the money. And then it got very vague after that. They hand me the money and you got to get some contractors going, so you have to get some money to some people and they get up a roof there. The roof's better. Everyone's happy. Don't worry about it. This feels like a front. It's not a front. Not a front. It's a pop-up charity. I handle it. Don't worry. GoFund me is a for-profit organization. You can't trust them. Just hand me the money. Give it to me in a briefcase. Do you take a salary? I take a bonus. A bonus. Annual. Not per gig. Not per gig. Are you taking it in money or in roofs? he gets all the shitty the broken roofs I wish I could take it in roofs because I got more roofs than I know what to do with No I take it in money

I take it in money Just enough to get by And when you like what percentage of the money It changes from you know it's it's a It changes it I feel like that should be consistent I don't think so It's it's an uh what Is it whatever's left over

Yeah it's what is good for the project What's left over? What are the what are the what costs have I personally incurred That I might need to What kind of costs would you include Well, right now I live in Los Felas, Los Angeles. So if a roof of a church is local, that's going to be real cheap for me because I can just go for my apartment. But let's say it's a roof in, I don't know, Seattle, Washington.

Okay. Why would anyone donate to you to fix? I'm going to. They're like, when you're just like a local asshole. That's not true. It's not a local asshole collects money for Seattle roof. I don't think any news organization in the country would approve that headline. I don't think that anyone would print that because,

It's so unbelievable. Look, I get it done. If your church roof caves in, call Wyatt. Don't worry about any of the problems. I'll get them with the percentage, I don't know, 30%. Wow. That's a big job. Depends what the money is.

30% of $10 isn't that much. Are people giving you, but if it's, that's $3. Okay. Yeah. If it's $10, 30% is not so bad. But it's never $10. How much? Yeah, it's a lot more than that.

It's several hundred thousand dollars. So you're getting 30% of several hundred thousand dollars. Sometimes that got. you hundreds of thousands of dollars if you want a roof if you want the roof of your fucking church fixed okay first of all sir I'm so sorry

I don't appreciate that I left the F bond that's I don't think anyone in the church's roof you're absolutely right I got heated I got heated Camille I'm going to apologize to you Scott remind me Ockerman yeah apologize to our next guest too I know he's not on

but just I want to apologize to our next guest who's over there helping himself to a to a Nice little plate of hors d'oeuvres. Yeah. We have a nice hors d'oeuvre plate for every guest. Yes, I love mine. Personalized.

I got so heated. Look, I... How did you get into this? I saw a need. A church in Quad Cities collapsed. Nobody was getting a thing or just the roof? The whole roof, the completely square fell in. And did anybody?

Was anybody there? No, thankfully. Nobody died. No injuries. Okay. Are church roofs? Are they mainly collapsing at night? They're mostly collapsing.

I wonder why that is. It's like fire alarms that beep. You know why? Because God's asleep at night. Yes. In the day, God's holding it up. He made us in his image. It makes sense.

It makes sense. I do think that when architects build churches, they're cocky. Yeah. You know what it might protect. Yeah, maybe because they're making the roofs in the morning, so by the night time, they've like gotten old. That makes sense. That makes sense.

That's probably what it is. Are you only exclusively, are your pop-ups only dealing with church roofs? Thus far, we have only done church roofs. We could do any construction project. So when you said, let me give you an example of what we would do. This is the only thing that you do. That's the main thing we've done. Church roofs. It's the main thing we've done.

Do other stuff. I want to do other stuff. I'm here to pitch my services. That's why I'm on your program. Let me know what you need. Certainly any construction projects I could do. If it's anything similar to roofs of churches. Okay.

At a 30% markup. It depends. I don't always take 30%. I have taken 30%. The first job I took 30% because I was. was broke. I was, I was, I was, I was like, I'm not going to be able to do it. Oh, well, I'm not going to be able to keep doing it. I'm not going to be able to keep doing it if I don't, if I don't take some money to get this to get this going. Yeah, it's like I'm helping you. Otherwise, I can't stay solvent. And I'm not going to fix more church. Yeah, then I'm going to have to go back to working in the grocery store. What grocery store? I used to work at a grand union grocery store. What a grand is that a chain? That is a chain. That is a chain. Yeah. And I used to work, I used to work in the butcher department. You cut meat? I cut meat.

I cut it good. So you were a butcher? I was a butcher. Yeah. I never got in the union. I was a butcher. I was like a butcher's assistant. You were like daft heartily?

Nobody knows what that. I don't quite know what that means. But I was unofficial. I was not a certified. But I could do the job. Because by the time the meat gets to the grocery store, it's mostly been cut. You're just sort of cutting up. Right.

You don't get like a skinless cow. Right. I'm not getting a whole pig and I have to like, you know, like a hunk of boar's head and you got to like just like you know slice it up okay so you're just slicing up stuff that's all right stuff sounds pretty easy sounds pretty easy how much money did you make last year from all of this from the charities yeah not from the fucking grocery store let me check Jesus Christ this guy look it up I'm gonna give you the right answer yeah look it up wow I did pretty good that's wow that's a lot of money how much did you make $450,000 wow yeah

Pretty good. I'm seeing why this is a job you want to do. I'm just... Listen, none of that money went to taxes. Oh. Should you be admitting that? Wait, I don't mean that. I don't mean that.

I don't mean that. I mean, none of the money went to Texas. Texas. Okay. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. That's what I meant to clarify that. Why would money go to Texas?

I just wanted to make sure that people know that the money is not getting siphoned off to Texas. It sounds like you're a tax cheat or a Dodge. Not at all. Not a bit. You're a scammer. You're a flammer. Yeah, you're stealing from people who are donating, and then you're not, you seem to be part of the fact that you're not doing taxes.

Have any of these church roofs blown off since you've supposedly fixed them, Wyatt Malibu? I mean, mostly no. Mostly no. Two of them did, yes. Okay. And they did blow off. Okay. And they are still intact on the ground next to the church.

A full, full roof. Full roof. Just like pop the lid pop right off. That's hard to do. Yeah, yeah. They help together. That's good quality construction. Actually, what I think.

The roofs are, you know, we double stud those guys. So when you say most of them, how many of you done? Five? No, I've gotten like, I mean, I've like 15 churches replaced the roofs, 15 total, yeah. Okay. Yeah. And what other kind of charity work are you looking to get into? Six of them have blown off, and we got nine still standing.

That's how you said two? You said moments ago. Yeah, it was six. I had to think about it. Oh, okay. It's six. Yeah, that's a high percentage of roofs would blow off. It's higher than we like.

We're going to get that down. You want to get those numbers down to zero. We're going to get that down. We're going to hopefully zero. Definitely lower. Can't get everything perfect. We'll hopefully get it down to maybe just one or two roofs a year. But as Comail asks, what type of charity would you like to do?

Gosh, I would love to feed children. You know, famine amongst children populations, that's always a logistical problem. There's enough food in the world. It's just getting it to the people. is always the problem. What if we made food free? Huh? What if we made food free? Once again, I want to thank you for expressing so clearly. I just, I've never seen this before to talk show host. I'm sorry, but my disdain for you was at an all-time high before you even talked about siphoning all of this money into your own pocket. Well, I haven't siphoned it. The records are clear. Um, no, no, I'm not hiding anything. I'm not lying. Other than your tax, like, I pay all my tax. I don't know what I was talking about before. I was hypnotized. I was probably hypnotized.

Okay, that's not going to hold up in court, I have to say. You're not a lawyer? Your Honor, I was probably hypnotized. You're not a lawyer. You don't know. It's worked for me. It's worked for me before. Okay, so let me say, like, for instance, could you do a charity for this?

Like, we're on a group, like a neighborhood group, what's it called, where, like, people report problems in the group? Next story, you mean? Yeah. The next door you mean? And our, like, area group, they're like, thinking. a very, very, um, it turns out it's a little bit, gets a little bit racist. Okay, sure. It feels like they'll be like, oh, at this church, they're busing in people. It's like, oh, that's just, it's Sunday and it's people going to church. I think the next door app is just one degree away from

just being totally racist. I've heard of that, yeah. Or like I saw an undesirable person, but yeah, yeah, yeah, it was just like someone, yeah. So is there, like, is there anything you could do about that? Is there a charity you could set up? Charity that, like, sets people's minds right. Yeah, like, fixes like racism yeah yeah that would be a great charity i would donate you know i want you do just so that i know what you're talking about you want a charity to correct the mindset of the people posting to next door or all racism yeah i'm sorry let me pull back let me pull back why don't you have a charity that cures racism um i mean i i would love do you think it's not a problem you think racism is a problem i'm just i don't know you just think racism in any any sort is all

right you think is that what i think that's not what i think that's not what i think You endorse racism? Why have you not done a charity, pop-up charity to cure races? I don't know. I haven't thought about it before, but you know what? I'll do it. That would be the first charity pop-up thing. I would do that.

Okay. You know what? The feeding the children can wait. That's a pretty good one. We don't want to feed them if they're going to grow up racist. Yeah. Exactly. Okay.

I'll do. We want them to starve. Okay. I want all racist children to starve. And I'm on record saying that. Yeah. He's equal opportunity. Okay, I will look into this.

Let's just say I'm going to make a soft maybe type of pledge to start a pop-up charity. Make it a hard yes, and then we're going to be okay. We'll donate to you right now. Okay, oh, I'll make a hard yes to do my best to tackle racism and a local level. Do your best, like if you're fixing the roof of a charity. All right, I promise to fix racism. Okay. It'll be gone.

Give me. How many, how long do you need? 12 months. And 12 months and how much money do you need to do this? I mean, you know, I can only pledge $300,000. You know what? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's...

You know what? To make it a million, I'll do the extra $700. Yeah, I mean, it's... I was thinking it's going to be $5 million. But I think with a million... Okay, I'll do $4.7 million. Yeah, you do $4.7. I'll do $300,000.

All right, great. Hang on, I'm going to send you guys a Venmo link right now. Just going to get that started. And we'll meet back here at a year, and I'll let you know how it went. That'd be great. We should know how it went. You'll know how it went. But we don't have...

We should have a pretty good idea. Yeah, we should have a sense. You'll be the... Kamele maybe should have a better idea than me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, man, going through airports is way easier. Thank you. You'll notice first, I guess.

You'll notice before Scott, but just get on your next door app and you'll just start seeing those races. So you want to meet back here in a year when Mulele enters the what-timers club would it be, Kumail? Nine. And you'll be in the... Two. No, I expect to have you back several times in between that.

Yeah, we want updates. Just check on the progress. Constant update. Yeah, we want to know it's cured. And I want it. race by race. Thank you. I wanted to be first

all hatred against Asians goes away. Okay. And you mean Asian and South Asian like the whole continent of course? Yeah, man. We don't need to draw lines.

That's like, okay, okay. Just other than the line between Asian and all other races. Just for now. It's a temporary line, much like your

fucking pop-ups. Asia includes the Middle East, right? So I have to fix Middle East, India, China, Japan. You don't want to start with Asians?

Let's start with Asia. You don't think that Asians deserve it? I do. I do. I'm just saying it's the biggest one. Let's start with Antarctica and work up. Let's just get the racist against Antarcticaans just because it's easy. I think we've already fixed that. We don't know. I think we're okay in that room. Yeah, we like penguins. Australians then. Let's go to the next biggest. We'll go to Australia. Okay. They got some complicated shit going on over there. So you want to start with Asia. Yeah. Asia's easier to fix. All right. Well, fix all the, all right. You can, hey, you guys are paying for this.

I want to go one by one. I want Asia first to zero. Once you get to zero, then you can move on to other race. Okay, so first Asia to zero, then Australia. But if you had to divvy up Asia into different sections, what would they be? Because it seemed like you were like all of it together. So if you had like to, do. And rank them as well, I'm not going to rank them. I'm just, Asia's a huge area, right? And who are the best people in the huge area?

That is not what I was trying to say. I don't mean names. I mean, like, types of, like, I know what you meant. I don't think, I'm just thinking about. Who are the ones that are okay by you? There's nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all great.

good one. Yeah, who's never done nothing to me. Everyone's equally great. There's not a bad person in Asia. This sounds like he's already curing races. Yeah, he's starting with himself. They're all equal. I'm going to fix it at an equal rate across the entire continent. Okay. I won't favor any area. Please don't.

So, you know, Hong Kong won't come before the, you know, the Siberia or something like that. All right. Well, I'm going to press my button to send. That's 4.7-0. You got your 300k. Can I borrow $300K? Yeah, yeah. Let me send you to you first.

Yeah. Okay, there you go. Vendway to me and then I'll send it to you. I got this. Okay. All right. All right. Are you up to five?

I see yours in there. Okay. Cummell sent it to you. You should be hitting your bag. There you go. Okay. Let me see. Yep.

I got it. You got the five mill? I got the five mill. Okay. We're going to meet back here a year. Well, we're going to be regular updates. We'll get updates. I'll email you guys.

You're like, yeah, 40% done with the racism against Asia. I'll get a number. I'm more of an Instagram DM guy. Okay, I'll DM you on Instagram. Camille, how do you like to be contacted? I want TikTok videos that are just directed to me. All right, I will message you on TikTok a video, letting you know. Just say, hey, Camel, and then just to me.

I want the same result, though. Don't give him info that I don't get. You'll get it both. So I'll DM you and TikTok you 20% less in China or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, we need these stats. Yeah, exactly.

This is great. Okay. I don't know exact numbers. This is the best. I feel good about what we did. Dude, you should feel good about what you're doing. Okay, if there's any church roofs that cave in, also let me know. No, no.

I'm just saying, let me know. This is going to be a full-time job. You're not going to- You don't have time for your church-roof-bush bullshit here. Yeah. Okay? That's easy for me, so just let me know. He's got the reps.

All right. Well, look, we need to take a break if that's okay. Wyatt, can you stick around or are you going to be too busy with racism? I got time. I got time. I got time, easy. All right, great. We need to take a break.

When we come back, we have someone in law enforcement. Oh, boy, maybe you could start here. actually. We're going to come right back. We'll have more Kamele. More Wyatt Malibu. We'll be right back with more comedy.

Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Kumail Nangiani. Night thoughts out on Hulu, December 19th, a mere six days before Christmas,

seven days before boxing day, five days before Christmas Eve. That's right. Not going on in this week, but night thoughts primarily is what you want people to constantly. what everyone's talking about. Yeah.

Yeah, 12 days before New Year's Eve. It's possible to give this as a Christmas gift? Yeah, 100%. How would you do that? Like you could bit torrent it and send the file to someone.

Oh, yeah. You'd like that. Why would I pitch that? But put that in someone stalking this Christmas night thoughts. 60 minutes or so, I would imagine. It's 56 minutes.

minutes and a few seconds. And a few seconds. Write, right at almost at an hour. Including credits? Yeah. How long are the credits? 30 minutes right there? Short, dude.

Oh, really? Short. We whiz by it. I don't care about any of these names. Did you like omit names? You're just like, no, it was about the camera operator to. People I didn't get along with are not getting credited. And they're not getting paid.

Thank you. Yeah. I wish more people would do it. Good for you. Okay, Wyatt. Sorry, just chiming in. talking to my buddy Kumail over here. What did you say?

I said, good for you. I thought that's a night. I'm just standing up to you. Yeah, no, he was already saying that. You don't know, sorry. Yeah, you don't need to add good for you when I'm already saying good for you. I'll follow your lead. I'm not an expert.

Hey, thank you, Scott. Thank you, Camille. Wyatt Malibu is here. We need to get to our next guest. He's in law enforcement. He's been on the show a few times before. I can't really recall what we talked about in these times. But please welcome back to the show, Inspector Jack Cates.

Thanks for having me, Scott. Yeah, my pleasure. Sorry, I ate so many of your hors d'oeuvres. Oh, then it's a personal hors d'oeuvre plate just for you. I haven't eaten in a week. Really? What's going on? I've been on the run. Oh, okay.

This is, by the way, this is Kumal. This is Wyatt Malibu. Hi, Gumel. Wyatt. You're on the run? That's right. Scott, we got two days. You got to keep me hidden here.

What's going on? I can't remember. First of all, catch us up. You're an inspector, which means detective. In San Francisco. In San Francisco. That's right. And what did we talk about the last few times you were here?

Fine. You remember, you were there all the times, all right? You and I were helping me because I had to find Albert Gans. Okay, yeah, right, Albert Gans. And what did Albert Gans do? Albert Gans robbed a payroll delivery. Okay. And then he was in jail, and then he got out and he did a podcast about being in jail.

Okay. And I needed someone on the inside to get me close. Okay. And so are you still looking for Gans? Or, no, you're on the run this time. Because Gans was on the run the first time? stole my gun. Don't you remember?

He was out committing crimes with my gun. Oh, right, right. And you had to get your gun back. And I needed you to help me find him. Right, right. And now you need me to help hide you from Gans? Right, because after that, then his brother, William, no, Richard Jerry Gans. Oh, right.

And his partner were sent by the Iceman to kill us, kill you and I. Okay. Because we took down Albert Gans. Oh, right. So far, yeah. I sort of get it. Right. Yeah.

Okay. So what's been going on since the last time you were wrong? Last time I was here, I was off to find the Gans family reunion. Remember, you hooked me up with Megan Gans. Oh, that's right. We emailed Megan Gans and tried to see where the reunion. A Hollywood writer, Megan Gans. Right.

She was on Mythic Quest at the time, which is no longer exists. Right. She's got a new show of her own. Yeah, this still exists. It's not been like wiped from. I've not been able to find it anywhere. You think they deleted all trace of? What's it on?

Mythic Quest? Apple TV. No, I don't have that. Oh, okay. Did she get back to you, by the way? Well, I didn't need her anymore because remember we found out at the end, I had a recovered memory that I was a Gans. Oh, that's right.

So you, okay, yes. Everything is now Crystal Fair. I'm the third Gans, brother. Right. So I had my own invitation to the family reunion. Right. Okay, now you're running from Gans? Well, yes.

Okay. So, catch us up. I found the family reunion. It was in Salinas, Kansas, which is the home of the guy that made Alleyu, the cartoon. Oh, okay. Great. Just a coincidence, but that's where the Gans family union is. In what way was it a coincidence?

Like, it seems like it would happen. Allie Oop and that guy you made it had nothing to do with the Gans family. That's not a coincidence. Why did you bring it up? Yeah. A coincidence is like, oh my gosh, I said Allie Oop and then Alleyoop happens to be where. Yeah, you just, now that's happened. You just stated a fact and said it was a coincidence.

Yeah, it's two separate facts. Well, maybe you know Salinas, Kansas because of Alleyoop. Are you an Alleyoop fan? I don't know what you. you're talking about he's a comic caveman alleyoops a comic caveman like bc yeah he was a big hit in like the fifth not a famous song you remember the song aleup oop oop not not captain caveman that's different that's different that's very different okay but it's not a quick can we agree it's not a coincidence on superhero yeah yeah yeah Hannah barbair

elliup sunday sunday kansas nothing to do with salinas kansas oh god that's where he was created But the Gans' family reunion has nothing to do with Al-A-Upe. It does have a lot to do with Salinas, Kansas. They're just two unrelated things. Absolutely. Not a coincidence, just two unrelated things. Right. Okay, great.

So, you went to this family reunion, and what happened? I laid siege to the family reunion. Make friends with the guy who created Ali-Oop? Never met him. He's been long dead, I believe. Okay. But I attacked the family reunion. I'm trying to find Albert Gans.

Your brother. Yes. And to my other. And Richard Cherry Gans? Richard Cherry Gans. Okay. Were they there? Yes, they were.

Okay. And what, do I have to ask every, do I have to ask a question about every step of the process here? Or will you just tell us what the fuck happened? You know what I'm saying? I heard a lot of people. I heard a lot of people at the family reunion. I got nicknamed the family reunion annihilator and I went to jail. How did you hurt these people?

I pistol whipped them. That's like, you have to do that one at a time. time. That's right. Because when I heard that you heard a lot of people that, I mean, that's like a laborious process. One at a time, I was running around, smacking them all in the side of my service revolver. And why were you doing that? Because I'm trying to fight Albert Adams.

Uh-huh. But you knew he was there, right? He's got my gun! So you're using another gun to pistol whip people? My own personal gun that I keep in my ankle holster. Okay, all right. Okay. Your little baby gun.

Did anyone say where... Not that small. Did anyone say where Albert Gans was, or did you not give him a chance? He took off as soon as I started pistol whipping everybody. So then you kept pistol whipping, though. It didn't help. You didn't stop doing. I didn't see him.

I was really focused on who I was hitting. So you haven't caught up with Gans. Now he's back in San Francisco. He's impersonating me. Okay, because he has your revolver? Now, Dan's is a cop, and I got 48 hours to stay away from Gans. He's got 48 hours to find me. What happens after 48 hours?

Time runs out Right, he runs out Like the warrant That they put out on me runs out Oh I see So then you can go free Statute of limitations For failure union

Annihilation It's very short It doesn't come up very often Because I'm an inspector I see Right so all the people that I hurt And killed They ballot it against the ones

That I've helped and saved Okay got it So you, what do you need me to do? You gotta help me stay low Help me avoid gangs Okay well Two days How do I help you stay low

Well, the hors d'oeuvres are a nice start. You're only the neat in the week. Are you basically just saying you want me to feed you for the next two days? Yeah, but be staying here. All right, yeah, I guess. Like, yeah, you want to stay here? You can stay here. I don't care.

Great. That's what I've been waiting around for. Okay. I mean, it's not really something. I mean, yeah, we can do it. Camel, do you want to stay here? No, I'm not on the run. I didn't pistol whip my entire family.

Oh. I'll stay here. I'd love to stay here if I could. Yeah, sure, Wyatt. I mean, I need you to get to work. I mean, this, I can keep close tabs on you. Can you do it from here? Can you zoom in to cure racism?

I'll zoom into cure racism. Yeah, I'll do it. That's going to be, I should have that done actually in a couple weeks now that I think about it. Oh, okay. Wow. All right. Great. All right.

You and are your buddying up here. We're going to bunk up. Yeah. You don't have to stay in this. Sorry? You like to swim? Not really. Why?

Me neither. Puts my cigarettes out. Okay. You don't have to swim. All right. Fine. Just make, can you, can you make sure that you. that you're just kind of a quiet house guest.

Is that all right? Because, you know, we don't like a lot, because we have a child here, we don't like a lot of, you know, like noise after 6 or 7 p.m., you know? All right, I'll do my best, but you tell that kid to be quiet in the morning. Because I like to sleep in. You can't tell kids to be quiet. I can tell them. Okay, I really want you to stay away from the rest of my family.

Don't pistol whip his kid. Yeah. Oh, you know what I'm going to do? What? Oh, I mean, you knew what I was going to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, don't do it. Yeah, stay away from my family. family in general okay all right you stay away from my family okay i don't i've never met which

you mean gans you get away from him because he's looking for you okay and why it also that goes for you too please stay away from my family what you're love to camille you can meet whoever you want okay great yeah whoever you want i have a question when did this turn into the ice man getting involved you said there was the ice man hunting for you that's right the second time i was here the ice man well you thought it was my my best friend on the force kehoe oh that's Right, Keoh, what happened to Keio? He turns out he was the ice man. Okay.

And is he in league with Gans right now? He was running the gang that the Gans brothers were in. This is too complicated. I don't know, it's just my life. When it's your life, it's not complicated. I just think that, you know, you got to simplify all of this, you know? Like, this is what, your fourth, fifth time you've been on the show? Something like that.

And it's just getting, you know, like so much more complicated. That's the way life is. Can we do a reboot or something like that? You know what I mean? I mean, Kamail knows. Like, he's, he's on the 20th Marvel movie, and suddenly it's like, you know, Blades there with the Black Knight and Picked the Tro- Yeah, and it's on Wesley's Knives. Yeah, it's just too complicated. Like, yeah.

Yeah, just reboot everything. All right. I guess I can go back to San Francisco. Yeah, just do a hard reboot. I'll be like a captain. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And just follow the story of a younger inspector?

I don't know if this will help her screw things up. And I totally understand if we wanted to pretend I didn't say this. but there are reset switches on the back of most people behind their left ear like laptops have most people have this and if you get a paper clip and you insert it into the button behind your left ear you can do a hard reboot on your personal continuity first of all you're blowing my mind that there's one of those on a computer that part's not weird that part's not weird

that is very strange i've never noticed that in my life a lot of i mean it's kind of faded up but for a long time computers would have a little reset switches where you can You had to like straight down a paper clip and you could like poke in a paper clip under the little reset switch. Secondly, I think what you're doing is just stabbing people in the neck. I don't think so. Severing their spinal comb. I don't, I don't.

As the annihilator though. Yeah, that's a reboot. They're going to have to learn to walk again. That's right. It just reboots their personal continuity. I just feel around behind your left. We don't have to do it. I just want you to know that it's there.

I wouldn't stab yourself in the back of the head. You're not going to talk me into sticking a paper clip in the back of my neck. All right, just an idea. We'll move on. Okay, and you're not going to do it to him while he's sleeping. I won't do it. No, no, no. I would never do it.

Melibu, you and I are sleeping in shifts. Well, that doesn't help you because if you're sleeping and he's away, who's protecting you from him. We want to sleep at the same time. Yeah, it should be the opposite. New plan. When I sleep, you sleep. When I sleep, I sleep, I sleep. When I sleep, you sleep.

I can't promise. Just like that. Just like that. promise that I can fall asleep at the exact same times okay you got to fall asleep before him and you got to wake up after him okay I'll do my best and no getting up in the middle of night to peeve all right oh that's fine I'm not gonna I'm not gonna hit your reset button if it helps I'll offer to choke you out when you're feeling trousy you want to go to bed I'll hug your neck if you could do it I'll accept that I'm willing to give it a try

You don't know. You don't know. Have you ever choked out anyone before? I've choked out tons of people. And it's worked? I've never followed up. So what else has been going on, Cates? Well, let's see.

I got accused of robbing a bank. Accused of it? That's right. Did you rob the bank? No. What happened? Who accused you of this? The police that are looking for me.

Okay. I happened to be in a bank when it was being robbed. Okay. And these are dirty cops or? Well, I don't. No, no, my dirty copter is bad. That's right, because I thought Kehoe was good. Yeah, he turned out to be the ice man.

He turned out to be the ice man. Yeah. Who I've been chasing the whole time we were together. My whole career. You seem like a bad policeman. I'm not. I'm a great inspector. Like bad inspector should be a, you know, your story.

Not bad lieutenant. Bad and he wants. Port of call in New Orleans. Port of call San Francisco. Yeah. Sure. That's where you want the reboot to being called? Why didn't they blame you for the robbery if you were just there hanging out at the bank while the robbery was going on?

Because they're like, oh, we're looking for that guy already. He shows up on the cameras at this bank. He's got to be the bank rob. And they're looking for you for the family annihilation. That's right. Okay. Which you did do that. You did do that.

Yes, I did. So they would be allowed to arrest you for that, right? That would not be wrong. Not by me. I don't allow it. Right. Sure. You don't want to go to jail for the pistol whipping.

No, jail's terrible. Do you know what happened to an inspector like me in jail? You didn't rob a bank, so that would be unjust for you to be arrested for that. But you did pistol whip a lot of individuals out of family reunion. To death. They died? Some of them did. Some of them were real old.

Now, I'll say, maybe my anger at being abandoned by this family somehow channeled through my pistol whipping hand. Oh, I see. And I was taking out some emotions on them. Were you abandoned? Did we ever talk about that? That's right. At a grocery store. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, they left you at a grocery store and then you grew up to be, who adopted you, the Kate's family, I guess? Oh. And where are they these days? They, uh, dead in San Francisco. Dead in San, but in San Francisco. How did they die? Boating accident. Wow.

A boat hit them or they were on a boat. Boat hit them. They were walking along the pier. And it just jumped the pier? That's right. in like some sort of like Fall Guy type boating stunt Spectacular?

TV show or the movie? I'm thinking of the movie. There was a big... No, it was more like the TV show. Oh, it was. The fall guy, the TV show. That's right. Yeah, yeah.

There's a boat jumped out as a ski boat. Wait, how is a boat jumping out of the water more like a TV show, not like the movie? You must not have seen them. I've seen both of them. Well, then you should know. This is terrible. Did you ever bring the boater to justice?

Oh my God No Why? That feels like It'd be high on your list of priorities I was eight years old This is like your origin story This is like your Bruce Wayne

Type thing where like You saw someone murder your parents And then you know This is why you got involved in law enforcement Do they got no idea I don't think that's why he's Batman Why do you think he's Batman? I think he's got a lot of money

And he does it for fun He does it for fun No this is his main moment claims it on the death of his parents. I think he would have done that anyway. He would have found another reason. He would have been Batman either way. He would have found another reason.

He just likes bats. That's right. Right. Punching people. So you think you would have become a police inspector regardless of if whatever happened to your parents? Well, I was raised in a police orphanage after that. Okay.

What is a police orphanage? That's where kids who are orphaned by police matters are cats. Aren't all kids orphaned by police matters? I don't think so. Is cancer? police order? I mean, I think they get involved, maybe not. They have enough

to do. There's enough people being orphaned by police involvement that they have a institution set up? I do not doubt that. There were only like 10 of us. Okay. Okay. Do you still keep in touch with all of your orphan brothers and sisters? A couple of them, yes. But now,

now, not anymore. Was Kehoe one of your... That's right. That's where we met. Kehoe was in the orphanage? That's right. And most of the, like, Let's see, there were 10 of us. I became a police inspector. Kehoe became a police something. Right, he was a police.

And an ice man. And the ice man. The head of a criminal enterprise. Right, right. Come to think of it, a lot of them became heads of criminal enterprises. Okay. And you're the only one who, I guess, grew up on the right side of the law until you murdered all those old people. Not all of them were old.

Oh, so you murdered young people as well? I dealt that out without qualification. Okay. Well, you know, I just think that this is getting too complicated. Like now you're a murderer. Can I really have you back on the show? You know what I mean? We just need to wipe out all of this stuff.

Come here. I think I'm a manslaughter. Lean over towards me a little closer. Lean over towards me. Don't do the reboot with him. I don't have one of those. I'm sure you do. You don't do it to yourself first.

And then I'll try. But then he'll forget to do it. Then he won't know how to do it if he resets himself. He's not going to be able to do it to you. Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point. But I wouldn't have watched him do it. I can do it to myself if I don't choose.

Okay, I'll do it to myself. Hang, I'm going to find, I've got to find the little thing. Okay, wait, there it is. Okay, hold on. All right. When I reboot, you got to tell me who I am and stuff, and you have to, like, re-educate me. All right.

Vow to me on your honor as a podcast. I have your name right here, Wyatt Malibu. You're going to tell me that? Charity organizer. All right. As a talk show host, I swear. Of course we would. You have $5 million of our dollars.

Yeah. Here we go. Oh, my God. That seems painful. I actually don't know whether he's rebooting or he's giving himself a lobotomay. He threw up so much. Oh, geez. He might just be dead now.

Oh, wait, his eyes are fluttering. He seems to be waking up. Hi. Choose language. Oh, uh, uh, which language? I would love to choose Chinese and see what happens. I don't think that we want to do that on this show. Chinese, not available.

Chinese, not available. English? Yeah, let's choose English. Chosen. Okay. Choose region. I guess, do we need to get down specific to low spiel is? Based on your location.

Yeah, turn on your GPS, yeah. Based on current location. It's getting very impatient. I didn't know there was a whole. It's just that we have to go through. Do we have to, like, accept all the terms of service? Do you wish to copy a previous entity or start fresh? This guy's just a robot.

Do we want to copy a previous? Oh, do we have access to all previous entities? Yeah, who enlist previous entities, please. Scott Ackerman. What? Camel. Adjacent entities are Scott Ackerman. Camel Nangiani.

Inspector Jack Cates. Right, yeah. Or, start fresh. Should we do Jack Cates and maybe he can. You're Jack Cates. Jack Cates. Importing Jack Cates. and you need to

turn yourself in I'm going to why wouldn't I well if I did something wrong I would turn myself in that's what I do was an inspector inspector case

inspector Kate what the law is looking for you you need to go back to San Francisco do you know why do you know why they're looking for you no

wait a minute yes I do yeah my you pistol whipped I pistol whipped a bunch of well it wasn't my fault I was angry

but I did I pistol whipped a bunch of people indiscriminately at a family reunion to get information about Albert Gans. That's right. He's got my gun. He does. Oh, no.

You've got to get it back. All right. I know I do. I think it's more important you turn yourself in than getting your gun back. I have to? Yeah. He's there. Gans is there.

He's looking for you. In San Francisco? That's right. Well, why would I go there? Because you got to get Gans. Turn yourself into Kehoe. What? Keog, my friend, turned Iceman?

He betrayed me. I can't trust him. All right. But I'll go to San Francisco. But you didn't do the bank robbery. Just remember that. I know. I was there.

Okay, great. I was just trying to, I was just trying to see if I could get a mortgage. Okay. Hey, uh, other Gates, do you want to reboot yourself into him? No. I'm not a robot. I don't know what this guy is. I'm not a robot either.

You're some sort of synthesoy. No, I'm not in Jack Gates. I got to go. I got to get my gun back from Melbourne Gans. Well, stay here. here for just a second. Okay. Because we we're running out of time, but we only have time really for

one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called plugs. The games are over. We had our fun. The killings end and now the end's begun. So take a breath to live your love. Open

up your heart. It's time for me. Hey, that was nice. That was Love is the Plug by Quief Wellington. Thanks. Thanks so much to Quif. If you have a plugs theme, head over to CBBWorld.com slash plugs, and you can find everything you need to upload your songs and you have all the stems for, although we're not taking any more remixes of this year in a few weeks or in about a month. Ben Schwartz will be here and we'll do a new song. But head over there and you can upload all of your plug themes. All right, what do we plug in? Kumel, of course, night. Thoughts. Nice thoughts, December 19th, Hulu, L.M.A.K. in theaters and Fallout season two on Amazon Prime. That's right. Boy, a lot going on. And Jack Cates, this one over here. What do you want to plug?

I just in general want to plug networks and studios buying things again. Yeah. That'd be fun. Why do you care? I'm invested. I like entertainment. All right. You don't even have Apple TV.

That's true. Are they buying stuff? I mean, they're making stuff. I'd like to sell my life story. Oh, okay. I feel like he would make a good movie, at least the first time you were on. That would be a good movie. I think all of it's good.

Get it all into one movie. It's a little complicated now, I got to say. I don't know. I think you can do it. All right. With flashbacks. I love flashbacks. I know.

They're fun. All right. And then this Jack Gates, what do you want to do? You sound weary. Have you sound weary of this? No. You seem ready for this to be over. You're very good at picking up.

Reading songs. I've betrayed my whole life to read people's. Okay, I can see your foot up. What were you asking? What do you want to plug? I want to plug a podcast, screw it. We're just going to talk about the Beatles by a guy named Will Hines and some folks, old middle-aged men talking about the Beatles.

You've got to love it. Finally. If you're into it, you probably already know about it. Um, what do I want to plug? I want to plug, I think there's new stuff in the store, the Comedy Bang Bang Store. Yeah, we have ornaments, uh, Comedy Bang Bang Ornaments with Ho Ho and Santa in the Motor Mouth. That's over at Podswag.com slash comedy bang bang. And, uh, also a lot of stuff going on over at CBB World.

So we have so many great shows over there. Scott hasn't seen where we watch movies that I haven't seen before. And, uh, CBB presents. Um, I think we got a lot of good stuff. stuff in December coming up, so head over there. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Please don't close it and be rude. You got it.

Closing up. Yeah. Ging do, mingle, ming, don't mingle, ming, go hos it, plowbrow. That's a good song. That's a really good song. That's a really good song. That's a real good song. That's a good song.

That's a good song. That's a good song. Great. All right. That's a good song by Retro Pessivist. Thanks to Retro Pessimist. And guys, I want to thank you so much, Camille. Always a pleasure.

Thank you for having me. Love having you on the show. And looking forward to seeing your hour of stand-up and hearing about whatever, you know, all of your life, I presume you talk about your life. Or are you talking about other people? I'm talking about my own life. I talk about no other people. No one else comes up?

Nobody else comes up. Wow. It's me, me, me, me, me, baby. I love it. um and uh jack kate's number one always great to see you uh hopefully we'll get something in your continuity straightened out at some point for a while you now you can call me wyatt malibu i do did you reboot yourself no wink oh you're just switching places he says i'm right okay oh swapping identities i'm even more confused oh don't worry about what he's doing all right

uh but uh jack kate's over here oh great yeah pleasure to be here wonderful to have you on you're gonna turn yourself in? Yes. I'm going to go to San Francisco and turn myself in. Okay. And that'll show them. And you'll spend multiple decades in jail, I would assume. I suppose if that's the right thing to do. That is the right thing to do. Then I will. Okay, great. And what about racism? Is that, wait, does that not get fixed? Wait, we spent five million bucks. What happened to to our five million? So that, well, if we, if this guy can be, um, Wyatt Malpoo. Yeah, do you think you can fix racism for us? I lost it on a basketball game.

You spent our five million? I lost it. Which basketball game? Oh, my God. What everyone's happening right now? Oh, man. If it's happening right now, how do you know you've already lost it? Because I bet on the halftime score.

Oh, why? It's a terrible bet. Easy come, easy go. I guess so. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, but, uh, huh? Yeah. What, Scotty, Scott.

Rudy North? That's right. I've got a new mission. Scott, I need your help. There's a crisis. A crisis on infinite bang bangs. To be continued on crisis on infinite bang bangs. Only at CBBWorld.com. Yeah, yeah.