Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2016 Tour, Vancouver (Lauren Lapkus, Dan Mangan, Mike Hanford, Paul F. Tompkins, Tim Baltz)

Episode Date: December 11, 2025

A realtor, a hippie, and a dog walked into a bar. I must be in Vancouver. "2016 Tour, Vancouver" is a special episode of Comedy Bang! Bang!, the 28th and final episode of the 2016 North America tour. Hosted by Scott Aukerman, it stars Ho Ho the Elf (Lauren Lapkus), Dan Mangan, John Lennon (Mike Hanford), Santa (Paul F. Tompkins), and Randy Snutz (Tim Baltz). "2016 Tour, Vancouver" was recorded on May 26, 2016, at the Vogue Theatre. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of comedy bang-bang, bang out from behind the paywall. And this week we have another holiday-themed episode that will help even the grinchiest of grinches and scroogiest of scrooges get into the spirit of the season. Yes, the Yuletide Yucks, that's Yuk-S, not Yuc-U-C-S, nothing yucky is going to happen on this. episode, I don't think. I don't know. Ho-ho says a lot of stuff. But anyway, they continue with another episode in the series. We're calling Yo! Yo! It's Santa and Ho-Ho! This series highlights shows that feature Lauren Lapkis as Ho-Ho the Elf and Paul F. Tompkins as Santa Claus. This episode is titled 2016 Tour Vancouver. And it's probably called that because it was recorded in Vancouver in 2016 on our 2016 tour. This show,

took place on May 26th, 2016 at the Vogue Theater, which was actually the last stop on our North American tour that year. And besides Ho-ho the Elf and Santa, our guests include Dan Mangon, singer-songwriter, an incredible singer-songwriter, has a new record out, a new Christmas song that he just came out with. And we also have Mike Hanford as John Lennon, and we have Tim Baltz, his fan favorite Randy Snuts, so stacked lineup. Now, if you enjoy this You want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as CBB Presents, other shows like The Neighborhood Listen, College Town, Scott hasn't seen. Become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and a lot of original shows.

We're going to be back Monday with our annual epic CBB holiday extravaganza, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Vancouver BC Yes, how many, bang, man Come on me be bang, man, come and be bang, oh. Vancouver, BC. Hi, guys. How are you?

Hi. Hi. I usually take the time to wave at all the front row people. Hi, everyone. Did I get everyone? Very good. Hello, everyone. Oh. Hold on. I have to do this. A realtor, a hippie, and a dog walked into a bar.

I must be in Vancouver. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Pretty good. Thank you to Dale Cooper Black for that one. How we doing, B.C. B.C. Oh my gosh. It's such a pleasure to be here. Last night of the tour.

There is good. going to be a death on stage. What is up with these little tiny stools? When a stool is this high, it's just a chair with no back. All right, we'll make do. Are they adjustable? Did someone say hit it? Nothing. BC, I love BC.

Do you guys like to be called BC? BC. Oh, what a wonderful place. I got engaged in this city. The last. Last show I did here, I got stiffed. Just a wide swath of emotions.

We're having a really good time traveling around. Have you been listening to all the tour on the, yeah. It's been really fun. We're slowly losing our minds. Some would say not slowly. Check, check, check. Sounds like nothing's coming out of this,

but everything's coming out of these. It's been really fun. This has been a great three weeks and with a wonderful group of people. First of all, Mike Hanford. How about a hand for Mike Hanford? He's been on the second leg of the tour and what a great guy

and been a pleasure to be with him. And I used to come to this theater when I would come up to Vancouver and I would see shows here and I never thought that I would be able to play a place this big and cool. So thank you so much, Vancouver, for letting us into your home. We're going to have a really good time tonight, I think, and what is happening right now?

Why? With no shame. No shame at all. Just you were strutting down the alley. Who doesn't at least, like, do the courtesy duck? All right, I don't want any more of that from you. All right? I understand it's raining out.

Are you a latecomer or are you just drinking? Oh, my God. No one gets up. Can we agree on that? No one gets up from their seats until the end of the show. I'm serious. I'm serious. No, we're going to have a really good time.

Of course, if there's a fire, get up to these exits, exits over here. And we found out in Canada, exits are red. Exit signs are red, which means don't go into this in America. But you guys do things a little different. a little different. I like that. All right, we're going to have a great time. It's the last night of the tour, so you know what that means. We're going to wrap it up early and get home as quick as we can. No, of course not. We're going to have a great show, a mega blowout, some cool people, whoa, some cool people here tonight. Are you guys ready to get it started? Here we go.

I feel like I'm sitting on the toilet. Oh, it's humiliating. It's the last night of the tour. Oh, balcony recap, by the way, too. Very good. Hello, balcony people. And weather report, we haven't done it, but it's fucking raining out. All right, let's get to our first guest.

He is, I guess there's no other way to describe him other than he's a mythical creature. Please welcome. He lives up in the North Pole. Please welcome Ho-ho. Ho-ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Oh, good.

A toilet for me to shit on in front of people. Come on, ho-ho. Right off the bat? Yeah. What would I wait for? That's true. Ho-ho, it's so great to... Hello?

So great to see. You see you. It's great to see you. Thank you so much. I'm lying. I hate you. You're an opposite person though. Yeah, I love you.

Now I feel like you hate me because you just said that. Ho-ho. Hello. Got to remind myself to stop doing that. What are you doing here in Vancouver? You're up, I mean, it's closer to the North Pole. Closer to the North Pole, I assume. Oh, yeah, it is closer.

I mean, I'm here to shoot a pilot. In the face. Ha! Ha! Which one? Some fucking bad guy. Oh, so he's like a smuggler or something like. I don't want to shoot a nice pilot. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, good. I found a little step. Oh. I should be sitting on that. This feels good. It's like you got a stool. My stool sample. For those of you who don't know,

Ho Ho is the... Sorry, I was swallowing. Sweat was delayed. What were you swallowing? My cum. I don't know why I asked. It's almost like I was complicit in that. Hope.

Sorry, no. This creature next to me is a dwarf. No, what do you call? Yes again, motherfucker. Sorry, an elf. What's the difference between an elf and a dwarf? An elf is a dwarf he'd like to fuck. Wouldn't that be dilf?

Sure. Is elf an acronym for that? Is it like... Yeah, it's elf I'd like to fuck. Oh, ho, ho. Oh. Uh, but you're, you're, uh, you work for Santa Claus. Mm-hmm.

That's my boss and my daddy. Wait, we haven't heard that before. Eh, he makes me call him that. Uh, you're, you're, what you call the naughty elf. Mm-hmm. I'm naughty. Well, I deliver toys to the bad girls and boys, like guns and knives. Right, so, uh, death stars. Death stars?

Yeah, death stars. Like Death Star Toys or actual... Like Ninja Stars. Oh, oh. That caused death. I don't think you call like death guns and death knives. You can. More to the point. That's true.

Maybe people would start understanding why everyone needs one. No. Okay, let's not get political. I know you're constantly talking about how you want to eradicate gun-free zones, but let's... I'm very political. Yeah, are you really? Uh-huh. Hmm. Who are you supporting in the upcoming U.S. presidential election?

Whoever's asshole I can fit inside. So, Ho-Ho is... Hello. Hello. You work for Santa. Now, not all children get gifts, because Santa has his naughty list and his nice list. Yeah, and he gives coal and naughty kids. Yeah, which is, you know, in this economy.

Oh. Worth a lot? What? I don't know. But you decided that was wrong, and you decided to give gifts to all the bad little boys and girls. Yeah, they deserve something they can play with. They're not that bad, right? They are.

They're little shitheads. I love them. And why did you get interested in this? I mean... Well, because I felt sad. for them every morning I'd watch them open their little stockings and just get little shit coals and I wanted them to have something fun to play with so they can torment their families yeah every morning every morning do you have videotapes of all the previous

Christmases yeah yeah every morning I watch every kid for all a year yeah it's my favorite show do you get TV up in the North Bowl mm-hmm what do you get everybody loves Raymond? That's it? Yeah. It blows. Santa loves it or something? Yeah, he does. Yeah, does he relate with Mrs. Claus?

Always arguing? Oh, yeah, totally. And his voice is like Ray Romano. Santa's voice is like Ray. I know that's not true. I've spoken to Santa before. Yeah, and his wife is just like the wife on that show. Oh, yeah, Deborah?

Fuckable. Deborah? That's her name. Okay. That's the only TV show you get and you don't know her name? I'll pay attention. I'm working. Do you make the guns and knives? No, I buy them on the black market.

From smugglers? Yeah. It's cool. Yeah, it's very cool. It's very cool. Very cool. What do you think? Al.

Very coup. Yeah. Now you got it. All right. And what brings you to Vancouver, though? I mean, other than shooting this pilot. No, I really am shooting a pilot, actually. A TV show.

Really? What TV show? It's like a reboot of a classic 80s sitcom. Oh, boy, which one? Punky Brewster. Really? Punky Brewster. And I'm punky. Because you're so short and adorable?

Because I'm so spunky. Meaning. Full of spunk. But yeah, I get adopted by an old man, played by Santa. How did they land you two? We both begged for it. Santa feels he's not represented properly on TV. Oh, okay.

He doesn't like the Coca-Cola image of himself. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The idealized, nice old man image. Yeah. I've talked to Santa before.

He's very profane himself. I would say so. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's so interesting that they were able to land such two big stars. This is the first TV show actually starring Santa. Mm-hmm.

That's amazing. Yeah. And it proves that he's real once and for all. For all the non-believers. Right. How many episodes do you hope to do? Five. Not a big order.

Sucks. And I only get paid $2. For the whole thing? Uh-huh. I don't use real money anyway, though. Oh, really? There's no sense of, like, barter or exchange up there in the North Pole? There is, yeah.

It's all through physical contact. I almost hate to ask this, but... What costs what? What do you want to buy? Like, you know, some reindeer treats so I can feed Rudolph. You got to suck Rudolph's dick! That's a reindeer treat all by itself. Uh-huh.

For you. Rudolph doesn't enjoy it. No, he hates blowjobs. He likes regular sex. With people. Oh, boy. What's the deal with that nose of his? It's a pimple.

Really? Mm-hmm. And if he pops it, then he loses his job. Oh. Yeah. Poor Rudolph. We keep putting oil on it. Oh, so how long are you here in town?

I'm here for like two months. Two months. Yeah, what should I do while I'm here? I don't know. I mean, I'm not from here, but I've done my share of, you know, going out on the boats and riding around the park. Who'd you go with? I went with my ex-girlfriend. What is she now? She's my wife now.

My wife. Okay. I'm not asking for that. You begged. I didn't beg. You've led me right into it. For the HAL-FM listeners, you run your hands. hands and knees. Say my wife, please.

It's the new take my wife, please. You're a fan of comedy history? Oh, yeah, I'm a big buff. I fucking love it. I love comedy. I don't care. I love it. I don't care. I love it. I don't care. Okay. You want to know my favorite comedy?

Yeah. The live O.J. Simpson trials. Now, ho-ho, those weren't funny. I mean, a real tragedy happened. Did you see him try to put the glove on? Yeah. It was way too small. Funny shot.

Funny shot? Funny shot? Funny shot. That's the only comedy part, though, in the whole thing, him just kind of going. Yeah, that was really funny. He's a good actor. That was a long-running show, too. That was like eight months.

Yeah. I loved it. Yeah, then it got canceled. I know. Then it got picked up again. That's true. Well, good luck with your show. I'm really looking forward to that.

Yeah. I'm excited. What are your lines? Do you, I mean... You want to do, like, a scene from it? Yeah, I'd love to. Okay, you say whatever, and I'll say what my lines are. Okay.

Wait, this isn't going to match, though. It'll be fine. All right. And I'm Santa, and this is like Punky Brewster. Yeah, exactly. Let's see. Daddy. Hello, Punky.

That's what she said. Punky? Would you like to take a trip to the museum, Punky? I said no more homework, Dad. All right, Punky. I'll go to the museum without you. Your car doesn't start anymore I'm saying my lines and you're saying whatever

I'm going to go start my car Whoa it worked The lines I mean Well this is going to be a good show Yeah I'm excited Yeah Trying to suss out the plot of this one Yeah

You don't want to do homework and his car doesn't start Yeah Then this hot babysitter comes over And she knows how to fix cars and do homework And then my dad fucks her And you see all the nudity All of it? Yeah, including mine

I'm not even in the scene I'm getting my diaper change in another room Why do you wear a diaper, ho-ho? Ho-ho Because I shit my pants otherwise You're a cognizant And sentient human being I'm playing a kid

Oh, you're only shitting your diaper In the show But Punky Brewster didn't shit herself It's a reboot How many times I had to explain this to you? I guess I just don't get you kids Yeah, exactly. Gee whiz Well, good luck

I really... Thanks a bunch. Good luck for you. I wish you success, I really do. I wish you success. Psych, bleh. Well, hope. Oh, oh, yeah. Can you stick around and be my sort of my co-ho?

Oh, co-hoos, yeah, for sure. Cool. Cool. Cool. Let's, why don't we get to our next guest? What do you say? Totally tubular. Well, this is interesting.

He's a musician. What? I love music. Yeah, and he's from Vancouver here. here. He lives in Vancouver. Cool. Can you believe it? And he sells out huge places just like this, all by his lonesome. And he has a new record called Club Meds. I first met him when he

was on the show quite a few years back. Please welcome Dan Mangon. Dan Mangon. Dan Mangon. It has really never been easier to be the biggest bummer of any show. You're usually the biggest bummer of your own show.

Tell me about it. I go backstage and I cry and cry. That's what Scott does. Fuck you, ho-ho. People go see your shows to have a good time, right? that's the funny thing people ask me to like sing at their wedding and I say

that's supposed to be a happy day it doesn't make any sense do they ask you to sing your own songs or songs that's the dumb thing do you have a typical song that people go oh I love that song that's about love or something yeah

yeah I have a song about robots from a long time ago that I get I get sent quite often videos of kids in the bath singing that song. It's really repetitive and it's really easy to memorize. And I have all, like, people, I don't want to get

rated by the NSA. I want these, like, videos of toddlers in baths naked. Because, like, I think parents, they send it to me thinking it's really cute and it is very cute. Like, here's my kids singing your song. And then I'm like, well, I don't want this to be on my computer because... It's a very weird collection. Yeah. So instead, you put it on a hard drive in a safe? Yeah, it's like

Passcode 69, 69, 69, gooo gaga Daddy Dan, it's so great to see you again We had dinner before the show I'm a big fan of your record I didn't know your music

And then I don't even remember how we got hooked up But someone sent you Sent me your record It was a funny experience Because I was in L.A. And I think I told you about this after the fact, but I didn't know who you were. I didn't know about your podcast.

And I got like, you know, an email saying, oh, you have some media to do today. You got to show up at this address. Some content. Yeah, yeah, I have to go and I was really tired. I was like, oh, I don't want to do this shit. And then I showed up and then Sarah Silverman was there and I was like,

who the fuck is God Ackerman? This is happening. This is, Jesus. And, yeah, I fell softly into your arms. Aw. Well, I love your stuff. Thank you. Your last two records are very meaningful to me.

They're great records. And, you know, I'm so honored that you would join us here. And I'm sorry that you have to share the stage with this piece of shit over here. Trust me, I'm used to sharing the stages with big pieces of shit. Exclusively. Yeah, we have a litmus test

for the band. And if you can't suck a reindeer's dick, you don't, you can't get in. Oh, good. I like that test. So, Dan, you're going to play a song here for us right now, right? Yeah. What are you going to do a brand new song? Brand new. Brand new song.

Yeah. Is this striking? Can I get some of that up here? That's fine. Yeah, it's a new song. It's going to go on the radio soon, hopefully, like in a couple of weeks. And this is how it goes. It's probably a bad call for a comedy show.

It's called Race to the Bottom. Okay. And so the artist screams into an empty cup. He says that you're a soulless sponge, but you could still wake up. And the capitalist says he's born to be free. He says, you're poor, my friends, but you don't have to be. Here's what we know.

We don't know what we've got or if we got it. And what we had, we already forgot it. The race is evidently to the bar. on we don't we don't we don't know what to say I don't know what to say and so the thumpers preach both love and hate they say you're naughty filth but you could still be saved and the people wait for the bell to ring they say we need a song

we need a song to sing here's what we know we don't know what we've got or if we got it and what we had we already forgot it the race is evidently to the bottom We don't, we don't know

I don't know what it was But we want it back Like every generation will repeat the last Put a halo on a figurehead of photograph Resist a little bit and then become The man dreaming of a simpler time Curs to me that the past is hypothetical fantasy And nostalgia

Just ain't what it used to be So here's what we know We don't know what we got or if we got it And what we had, we already forgot it The race is evidently to the bottom We don't, we don't know what to say I don't know what to say I don't know what to say

I don't know what to say Dan Mangard Bravo Very kind Oh beautiful Please, have a seat. Join us here. Take off the guitar.

Are you just going to put it on the ground? That's going to be filthy. Makes it a cooler, man. Ho-ho, have you ever made a race to the bottom? Yeah, you bet. Bottom of an asshole. Too easy. That song made me hard.

So sad. By the way, Dan, Ho-ho doesn't have a penis. He has... What do you have? I'm also not a boy necessarily. Well, that's true, but I get very confused with gender sometimes when I talk to people. I have a candy cane dick. You call it a Saint eunuch.

Oh. Does that make sense? Yeah. I love it. No balls. Do you have balls? Uh-uh. Really?

I had snowballs, but they melted. This is the kind of thing. you like after a song like that, right? It's good. You know, it really wraps it all up. You know, it's, it's good. Why, why, why write that song? If not you, who, and if not now, when? Well, the truth is that actually Prince wrote it for me.

Oh, R-I-B before. We were just in Minneapolis, a sit-in morning. Yeah, no kidding. Rough go. Rough go this year, Bowie, Prince. Who, who, okay, so, Bowie and Prince are both huge for me, who would be your person that you wouldn't want to die?

And you can include your family. Rip Taylor? Is he dead? Rip Taylor? I just couldn't handle that. Oh, yeah. I met him once. Yeah? And I was like, that's Rip Taylor. I was at a convention. I was like, that's Rip Taylor. I held up my phone to take a picture. He's like, no pictures! Like, he doesn't believe in them.

Yeah, he was saying just generally all over the world. You just happened to be there at the time. It's like his, like, Tourette's thing. He just goes around saying that. So do you have a new full-length long player coming out, or what's happening? We're about to surprise announce something. Is this a sclusee? Yeah, sort of, yeah.

But it's not like a full-length. It's a bunch of stuff jammed together. A collaboration with another singer and a cover of a Robin song. Which one? Let me see. Dancing on my own? No. That is a good song, though. Call your girlfriend? Right now? Jesus. No, it's a song called Hang With Me. Oh, wow. That's a good song. Very nice. Don't tell anyone internet recording.

Shit. When are you announcing it? In like two weeks. Oh, okay. Keep a lid on this. Uh-oh. It'll be like, oh, that guy we haven't heard of announced something I don't give a shit about. That's what they'll think.

Can you imagine the internet headlines? Who gives the shit? Finally, pitchfork will have something to write about. Yeah, I always thought that was funny. Like, you'd hear, like, some band who, like, was releasing their first record. and they're totally unknown. They're playing to, like, their cousins

and their cousins' friends at, like, a tiny little club, and they're like, yeah, you know, I just didn't want our album to leak. And I'm like, I mean, you too doesn't want their album to leak, but I think you want your album to leak as far and wide as possible

just so somebody will come to your show. It's kind of how I feel still. I'm like, it's great that people are talking about you. So if the word gets out, then there you go. It's a leak to the bottom, is what it is. A leaky bottom. Slurp, slurp. essentially anal seepage.

Okay. Okay. So when does, I mean, it comes out in a little bit. You're announcing in a couple weeks, comes out in a little bit. That's very exciting. And you say it's not a long player, but it's more like an EP or something like that. Yeah, exactly. I feel like I've been kind of confined to the album thing for a long time,

and it's like you're writing or you're putting together or you're spending X amount of dollars to make a thing. a record. How much money do you spend on a record? I usually download them for free. No. You know, you'd have to ask the Canadian government because they know.

Good old Canadian funding. Do they subsidize? Oh, totally. Yeah. It's amazing. You guys don't know what you're missing. It's the best up here. Oh. Like, if you fall and you get hurt,

you just go get it checked out, man. And it's like, it's good. and they just do it for you. It's awesome. But now what they say, you know, the people who are against this in the States,

what they say is, well, you've got to wait a long time or the doctors are terrible. What do you say to that? Those people are idiots. Not to get too political here, but I...

Get it. Let's get political. Hello? Join in on this. Trump, Trump, Trump. Like, people talk about like, oh, it's like,

it's less free. up there because you don't get to choose your doctor, which is the opposite of the truth. That's incorrect, because up here you can go to any doctor and it's all free. Whereas in the States, you can only go to a doctor that's part of your

care package, otherwise it doesn't count, which is actually less freedom. Just turn that shit outside down, you know? Who's your doctor? Who's your daddy? It's the same person. Our visits are very good.

He's like, didn't you just get a colonoscopy last week? I'm like, yeah, man. Again, again. It's good. Again, slurp, slurp. Well, Dan, it's great having you on here. You can stick around and talk to some of our other guests. I'm going to stick around, yeah.

Fantastic. And you're going to sing another song a little later in the show as well. All right. Fantastic. Dan Mangut, everyone. We should get to our next guest. And Dan, I think you're going to be very interested in this

because he also is a musician. He was in a European rock band in the 60s. Please welcome John Lennon. John Lennon. Sure, right there is great. Yes. Okay. All right.

Hello. Hello, John. Well, I was going to say, welcome to be here. Thanks for having me. Have a seat. Thank you very much. I forgot. That's right. You're like a sitting vampire?

I'm vampiric when it comes to sitting. You have to be invited. Right. But I won't bite your neck. Oh, please. No, wait a minute. John, this is Ho-Ho. Ho-Ho. Hi, Ho.

Did you ever give toys to John Lennon here? I wonder if he was a naughty kid. Oh, yeah. Well, do you remember what you got for Christmas growing up? Yeah, I remember I got a deflated soccer ball. He was just a little bad And this is Dan Mangan, he's another musician Oh a musician That would explain the guitar

You know I have a guitar of my own It's fantastic Do you ever use a whammy bar I don't see one on there You wouldn't on an acoustic But that's musician talk I bet half your audience has no idea

What I'm talking about They just tuned out right then No whammies Well exactly no whamies for me at the moment. My whammy bar connected to my guitar is at my friend's house. Are you more upset about the whammy bar?

Normally people would say my guitar is at my friend's house. You're like, my whammy bar is at... My whammy bar attached to an electric... A fender stratacaster. Oh, good guitar. Good British. Great. It's at your friend's house. Who's your friend? My friend is my old drummer for my old band

and I haven't seen him. I've seen him recently, but he won't give it back to me, you know, the guitar. The band is... The band is the European band, the Beatles. Was, was, we don't tour anymore. We don't even see two of them. And the drummer's name is, of course. Too same, man, too soon.

Oh, the drummer's Ringo. Ringo star. Sure. One of the best drummers in the world. In my opinion. In a lot of people's opinion. Well, there's smart people then, whoever you're talking about. I was looking for a place to put my first.

Yeah, there is no place to put feet here. I guess I'll keep... You got to go really high up. I got the best one. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Thank you, Dan. I've always wanted John Lennon's foot on my stool.

That was uncomfortable for me because I was... My hamstrings are so tight from jogging this afternoon. You jog? This afternoon. You jog, too, if there was a guy with a gun. Hey, that's bringing back a lot of bad memories for John. No, this is a part of my life. I want to forget.

You know, it was very painful for me physically and emotionally. When you died? When I died. Right. When I died. If we could move on, whoever's hosting this could really move with someone. Oh, it's me, but just so Dan knows what's going on, you were dead for four years. Right.

And I came back alive in 1984 because I liked the. title of that book that I have it. I'm going to read it. I have it now. I've got the library card now so I can go down and get one. When did you get the library card? Well, it's a little embarrassing. I got it back in October. Why don't you just buy the book? You know, sure I have a lot of money, but

purchases like that when I can get it for free at the public library. It's just not being smart with your money. Plus then you have a house with a book in it, you know, instead of a clean, nice, clean house. Right, you know, those, that's a good point. You don't want too much clutter, because then you get a book, and then the next thing, you know, you've got a T set right next to it, and then you're, oh, there's two things here,

why don't I just throw my coat down? And the next thing, you're emailing your friends, check me out this week on hoarders. So, John, what are you doing in Vancouver? I mean, I've seen you on. on several stops along the way here. Well, I'm taking a little bit of vacation. Ringo and I split up for my fishing trip.

He had to go back home. That's right. You were fishing in... Denver. Denver, Colorado. You have a fish shirt on that says Colorado. That's right. It's a picture of a fish.

Right, and he's got a hat on and a pipe in his mouth. That's funny. How's he going to smoke underwater? That's your target audience here. No. You can make shirts with any animal with anything in their mouth. No, you can't. I couldn't, but I'm sure somebody could.

So you and Ringo were in Denver, you were fly fishing. Right. Right, and you hurt your toe. I hurt my toe. I got stung by a bunch of bees, 30 or 40. And we didn't, you know, we didn't catch a thing. I'm so sorry. Well, we had no idea what we're doing. I had the only bug we could catch, because you know you have to make a lure.

I caught a butterfly. You caught a butterfly? The degree of difficulty on that is very high. It was, well, it was tough, but I had a good net. Oh, okay. Now with the pole. With the net. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, I see where you. I caught a butterfly with a net and then made a lure out.

Okay, I see what you're saying. And you see what I'm saying. Yes. Yeah, we understand. But do they see what she's saying? That's not how you do that joke. It's just, that's what she said. No, isn't it, you know, if someone says, you know, I've got, uh, I've got something in my mouth.

Oh, isn't that what she should have been saying? I don't know. Look, I've seen the British and American office. I think I'd know, really. Not a lot of people can claim that. So you, so you split. set up with Ringo, and then why did you come to Vancouver? I'd never been up here before. I knew it was a nice place to be.

And I heard there was orca whales out in the water. Orca whales. Right. And I said, well, you know, I've seen those only on logos for theme parks. You've never gone into the theme park? No, I've just driven by it. I said, geez, if I only had a coupon, it would be worth it. Why are you so cheap?

No, listen, I'm not cheap. I'm saving my money for a rainy day. There's an orca library here. You can just borrow one every now and then if you want. Really? Now, as, you know, it's just a tourist, I don't know if you're lying to me. What would I do with it?

I'd probably, you know, try to recreate some of those free willy scenes. With you as the kid, kind of go like this? Yeah. And you're jumping over you? Right. And I'd try. I think that's the whole movie. That was just, that was the only scene.

scene in the movie. It was the first fully slow-mo movie. If my cinema history says me correctly, I tried to take a class of Columbia. You watch movies and there's always slow motion in it and everyone's fine with it. What if there was fast motion in every movie? It was just people walking.

Hey. Hey, come here. Hey, well, why don't you get over here? Oh, don't you want the blue pill? But somehow everyone's cool with slow motion. Did you say blue pill, red pill? Yeah, hey, hey, Neil. You a fan of The Matrix, John? I love them.

I love the... They get better as they go. To me. But, you know, I haven't seen them in a little bit. So you came up here just because Orcas were up here. Right, and I just... And I'd never been, and I want to take some time out and have a little fun. I needed a vacation for my vacation with him.

Sure, yeah. Plus, you know, as I told you, I'm trying to find a job, so I need it a little. I just want to decompress fully before I went on the job hunt. What job are you looking for again? Anything, really, but I need my weekends free. That's not optional. Non-negotiable for you.

Right. You've got to only work Monday through Friday. Exactly. Right. What can you do? What are your special skills? Well, you know, I can play the guitar and I can sing songs. You can inspire Beatlemania.

That's true. True. We did that once back in the 60s. Everyone went nuts for our band. I remember. Yeah. Because, you know, we were really rock and roll stuff, you know? People still like the Beatles. They still revere the Beatles. Right. You know that number one album? That album number one? Yeah, number one, yeah.

It's selling like crazy. And somebody told me, a friend of mine, What friend? Well, he was in the band, this friend of mine. You're talking about Ringo again. Ringo, right. It was Ringo. He said, hey, you know, I was down at the library, the New York City Library, and they've got a number one album there.

So, you know, if we do it right, we can keep taking it out and switching it off. We'd own it almost. You must already have it. I have it downloaded, but I really love to have a physical disc. Why do you need a job, by the way? Just for something to do. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, you've been now alive for so long, and you're not going to be dead.

Right. Like, can you die again, or do you... Yeah, I think I can die again, but come alive if I want. Right. When you... Let me get into some details about this. If you were to get, like, smashed by a truck... Right.

Would you come alive and you would be all mangled? Um... Well, no, because, you know, I don't have that hole in my body anymore where the bullet went through. So you're just, you're healed when you come back. You're healed up, right. Yeah. But if, you know, you get flattened like a pancake, it takes a little longer. To inflate.

Right. How does one get flattened like a pancake? You know, if you're walking down a street or if you're over at, if you're shooting the Free Willy movie. And an orca falls on you? That's right. You'll fall flat Like a pancake Hey, you know, waffles are flat too

No, they're not I think you're thinking of crepes You think Yeah, maybe I am thinking of crepe What is a waffle? You put a spoon You put milk in a spoon, right? Milk in a spoon What are...

Have you ever eaten anything before? No, here's a fun fact about me I've never had breakfast Is it because how late you get up? I'm always so sleepy in the morning. Just, you know, unless I have my coffee, I'm a monster. Give me a cup of coffee and I'm out the door. I do everything in the last minute in the morning.

I never learn. Did you write that song that woke up, got out of bed? That's right. Yeah. Yes, put a comb upon my head. Found my way downstairs and had a cup. That's about what, yeah. Right, right.

I can't do breakfast. I'm already running late. but what about a waffle notice there's no mention of eggs in the song right but we had an egg song we had a song about an egg man scrambled eggs oh and the egg man

right yeah that's right now but Paul did Paul write both of those or did you write the egg man one who ended up writing those I think it may have been George Martin actually said he was actually at the typewriter but we were all sort of circling around him we would write our songs together all of us

one at a time George R.R. Martin? No, George Martin? Ho-ho is confused. She's thinking of... Oh, I thought I said something wrong. Yeah, George Martin, our fifth beetle. She thinks George R.R. Martin, the Game of Thrones author, is who you're talking about.

Oh, wouldn't that be something? Got up. Said hi to John Snow. Got a cup of wine from... Tedarius. Keep going. Well, I don't want to give any spoilers, but I know one.

Talk about Hodor. Scott, that's what I didn't want to say. For those of you who haven't seen the latest Game of Thrones, Hodor's fine, Hodor's fine. Do you know what happens in that everybody loves Raymond finale? I haven't caught up yet. Yeah, those two twins they have,

they end up going off to college at a young age. They were like eight at the time. Right, but they were geniuses. In the last season, they got really smart. That was the whole last season, was just about them like, you know, doing math problems. I don't think Peter Boyle or Ray Romano

show up at all in the last season. Or maybe I'm thinking of the sweet life with Zach and Cody. That's what you're thinking. Could be. I get those confused. Yeah. So now, Dan here is a musician.

Oh, yes. And you're a musician. You know, what a musician is talking about. Oh, we'll duet on something. Oh, great. All right. Do you know any Beatles songs, Dan? I do.

Which ones do you know? I will. I will. That's a beautiful song. Yesterday? Yesterday. I've just seen a face. Oh, that's a good one.

Actually, when I was eight, I learned the entirety. of Abbey Road on the piano. Wow. Really? I was like my thing and I got so excited that I could play it all and I made my parents totally fucking insane playing it over and over. Wow. A whole album. What was it like growing up without friends?

It's hard. The TV show? Yeah. Because you don't get that up here in Canada, right? Could I be horrible? Be any more annoying? Could you play a little bit of a Beatles? song here for us? Do you do? Like, I hate

to bring it up, and, you know, I know this is a surprise for you, but this is exciting for me. I mean, it must be exciting for you, John, to hear someone else sing one of your songs? Well, yes, it'll be interesting to hear. And it'll be... And I'll be watching every movement you make

to make sure you don't mess anything up. It's hard for you not to join in, isn't it? I know, it's such a great song. Dan, I'll try not to join in, but I don't know how... Please do. Please do. All right. Who knows how long I've loved you?

Sorry, I told you. It's hard to do, but you please... You know, I love you still. Will I wait a lonely lifetime? If you want me to... soon I will I always went low on that

you can't hear it on the album They turned you down Because it sounded horrible They knew what they were doing Those other three I threw it all on the wall And whatever stuck We kept

Go ahead Dan Are we read it Second verse Amen's the first No it's different Yeah it's different Yeah it's like Slightly different.

And if I ever saw you, I didn't catch your name, but it doesn't really matter. We'll always feel the same. Love you forever and forever. Love you with all my heart. Oh, my heart. Love you and ever we're together.

Love you and we're apart. Love you and we're apart. Did you always talk it? John Lennon invented rap. Oh, I wish I'd be a multimillionaire. You are! It's not very polite to talk finance. Julian could have gone to college.

All right, closing up strong, Dan. Here we go. And if at last I find you, your song will fill the air, sing it loud so I can hear you. Make it easy to be near. This is meant for a tenor. For the things you do and dear me to you, oh, you know. Are you ready?

I will. I will. I will. Oh, that was very good. Dan Mangut and John Lennon. That's fine. Wow. Okay, this should be a quick note session, but that was good.

Lifelong dream, man. Yeah, did you ever think? My gosh. I thought you'd be better, John. Well, never meet your idols. Yes, never. I know, I met Michael Jordan once. He dugged on me.

I have to ask. Tell us this story. I was in Chicago. seeing, I was trying to go to the top of that building, the tallest one they have, to just see what it was like up that high. And a friend of mine was also in town there, and he said, hey, I got an idea.

You know, we might be able to get into the team if we tell them we're from the Beatles. I said, I don't know. What friend is telling you this? One of the Beatles I was with, who I'm usually with all the time. Ringo. Right, Ringo, right. And I said, they'll never care about us.

You know, we're not even a band anymore. He said, no, and people still like the band, trust me. I said, fine, I'd put, you know, shoved my hands in my pockets, put my coat collar up. This is not going to work, I said. That's what you do when you're disappointed? Yeah, you know, I kick the ground, kick a rock if I see it. They'll put on a sour face the whole way there.

This is stupid. I could have been on the Sears Tower, you know. And they said, we got to the door. They saw us before we even got there. They said, come in and meet the whole team. I said, I can't believe it. I don't have anything for them to sign. So, you know, I had them sign my pants.

And the coat, I didn't want, but the coat was so nice. And well, and I went in. They were practicing, and I said, you know, I look, you know, almost a mile high at some of these guys. They're all so tall. And I said, Mr. Jordan, you know, you're the best I've ever seen. Can I play one-on-one? he said fine but it's got to be a full game and I said

all four quarters something like 15 minute quarters and I'm not in any type of shape at that time that's why you know I'm jogging now but so just today today but it's gotta I'm gonna continue I know it this one's gonna stick and he's I'm playing him

we got a ref out there Scotty Pippen is cheering for me just as a joke in it. And it's tied, you know. It's tied. At zero, zero at the start of the game? Right at the beginning of the game. Right. And it took maybe four seconds for him to dunk right on my head.

My glasses shot. He dunked on your head. He dunked the ball through the hoop, hit my head. Bunk and my legs shoot out to the side. Shoot out to the side. I sort of do a split and my glasses are gone and they're gone for the rest of the game

and God he must have beaten me 500 to, I don't think I had any points it was like a practice for him but I didn't have my glasses so I'd always I'd always wanted to get back to play him but I haven't been to Chicago since and I've never been on top of that

CS Tower what a story wow John Ler It's one I never tell. Oh, boy. Well, you know, I mean, we have to get to our next guest, but it's... What the fuck is going on? Oh, no!

Oh, no. Oh, man. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. What are you doing here? I don't know, Daddy. God damn it, Ho-ho, don't call me that. Santa Claus.

Santa Claus, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, hi. Save you, save your energy, everybody. Why are you so mad? Why did you leave the North Pole? This is a very busy time. I came down to shoot our show. Shoot our...

What are you talking about? What kind of shit has this guy been saying out here? Oh, shit. Wait, you've been lying. lying about your pilot? Of course I have. Does this surprise you, dipshit? Hey,

wait, turn on me. Because you're dumb. Why didn't you let me know that Ho-Ho was down here? What am I supposed to text you whenever I see Ho-ho? Ho-ho. Do you? Why not?

I don't have your number. I don't have the North Pole phone. That's right, you never will. Oh, I'm very angry with you. Okay, whatever. What are you going to do? Are you going to ground? me? Yeah, maybe I will. Oh, no! You didn't see that coming?

No, I didn't. Why did I say that? Because you're such an opposite guy. You think, oh, you said, grab me, I want to ground me. Oh, you said, grab me. I want to ground you. Oh, I do want to ground you. Fuck. Ho-ho. Watch your language. Uh-huh. Watch this. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh!

Make me so goddamn mad. Listen, we got a lot of work to do making toys for the kids. You need to fuck your wife. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. My relationship with my wife is none of your affair. She's been needing it.

You better stop talking about this. Her tints are full of milk. What is, what are you talking about? You need your cookies and milk, baby. Oh, you're such a weird freak. You don't even understand human anatomy. I understand it. Candy can goes in pussy.

Oh, the worst. Just the worst. Santa, why is May so busy? Are you? Now, you're asking that question like I'm some kind of asshole who doesn't know my own schedule, but guess what I do?

Because as a matter of fact, tomorrow is Canadian Christmas Eve. I shouldn't even fucking be here. It should be the goddamn North Pole hammered a bunch of wooden horses and shit. Why do you still make those dumb toys? That bitch tradition, ho-ho. God damn it.

Oh-ho. Why does Canada celebrate Christmas in May? I don't know what they do. They got all their weird holidays all switched around. Do you know when their Martin Luther King Jr. Day is? December 25th. It's October 31st when everyone else is having Halloween. Their Halloween's January 3rd.

It's weird. I love you guys I love you You know I love you Not an adult so much The kids I love You like the kids I love those kids

You gotta look out for kids Yeah They're innocent Yeah That's right they are They are Some of them Some of them

There are some bad kids That's right They're naughty You gotta admit it So they don't get toys Yeah They don't get toys Oh you creep me the fuck out

A little weirdo Santa, why did you hire Ho-Ho in the first place? We've been over this. To remind me. To restore balance in the universe. Everyone gets presents on Christmas. Everyone. So good little boys and girls, they get toys.

And bad little boys and girls, they get weapons that Ho-ho delivers. Right. It makes sense. Sure, sure. And, by the way, Santa, this is Dan Mangon. Hi. Longtime fan. Yeah, thanks.

You get that a lot? It happens. Do you get recognized? Do I fucking get recognized? Like, do people see a gigantic man in a red Santa suit? Snowy, white beard, Santa Hat. You're the only

person. And do people say, I wonder if that's Santa. Are you one of the only people who has a hat named after your name? Me and Davey Crockett, motherfucker. Get out of here. That guy drives me crazy. Go find the rest of the polyphonic spree. That was uncalled.

for. I'm sorry, dude. Good one, Santa. No, no. You like it. That means I did the wrong thing. Hey, who's that over there? This is John Lennon. Yeah. What are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead. Oh, I came back alive. It's not cool, dude.

I'm not hurting anyone. You're disrupting things. Also, I will as a Paul song, motherfucker. I know that, but I enjoy it. You like wrecking it is what you like doing. Well, I had a little fun doing it. Yeah, you're like this one.

No, no, no, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. Yo, co. Hey, oh. I don't want to talk about her. Please.

She's not here, is she? I hope not. Because I'm not giving that beret back. Terrible marriage. Marriage's supposed to be built on trust. Oh, yeah, and that's what you're seeing? Ho-ho? Ho-ho.

What are you saying about my marriage to Mrs. Claus? I've seen where you go at night. You mean around the world delivering goddamn toys? Yeah, around the world delivering toys. Yeah, every night of the year. Where have I been then? I saw you went to a gay club. Ho-ho.

What are you talking about? Oh, I saw it. What club was this? The butthole. How do they get away? with that. They spell with one T. Okay.

A city would say, you know, we can't have that on our street. They spell it B-U-T-W-H-O-E. Oh. Exactly. But whole. Is that why Whole Foods only sells donuts? What did you just fucking say? Is that why Whole Foods only sells

doughnuts. What the fuck is going on here? It's like living on the bottom of a Dixie Cup. That's a real thinker. That is a real thinker because, you know, we were talking about W-H-O-L-E for that. Yeah, I remember.

I'm thinking, you know, would have Whole Foods. It was two seconds ago, I remember. H-O-L-E. Yeah, we got it, dude. So what you've got, what else would they sell? Maybe Cheerios. Frito's Ho-O-Hoop's. That's right. Thank you, Ho-Hoh. My favorite hat.

Ho-Ho loves foots hoops. I do. Can only get them up here. Only in Canada. Don't sell them down the stage. I need more. It's weird. It's the only garbage food

you can't get in the United States. It's like, why are they withholding it? I don't know why they drew the line there. In the interest of national health, we can't allow hoops into the country. Tell that to the NBA. What the fuck is going on here? What is this laughing?

I've been doing a lot of word puzzle games recently. They're finally paying off. Yeah, paying off. So Santa... It's me, Santa. You turn jolly there. Well, I'm a jolly guy by nature. Yeah, it's just, you know, elves like ho-ho.

Elf like ho-ho. There are no other elves like ho-ho? Oh, my God, no, you kidding me? Most of the elves, what are they like? Oh, God. You tell them. What, we have different opinions. You tell them. We have different opinions.

You go first. And then I'll go after. And I'll go second. Oh, ho. I said after, but you said second, ho-ho. Yeah, ho-ho. So who's going first? Fine. I hate all those little cunts.

I suck my dick. They all just want to be good all the time and kiss in his big ass. That's why he likes him. Is there any upward mobility with elves? Do they hope to someday get your position at all? We can fly. What, are you kidding me? No elf is hoping to replace me.

I'm an immortal, supernatural creature. Yeah, there's no way we can all change roles. We never die. What about, like, there should be one day where you just, like, everyone does each other's jobs. That would be so fun, wouldn't it? It would be fun for me. I could, like, hammer a horse

and then complain all day. Yeah, right. What do you do during the day, oh? How do you fill your hour? I just jerk off in the corner. Yeah. Switch places with you. That sounds good. Yeah, it's all you do that, too.

Not in the corner. Yeah, you do in the middle of the room, it's so weird. I do, now, ho-ho! Oh-ho. This is not true. Santa's Workshop has run exactly how you think it has run, where there's a bunch of elves singing songs and shit. They're hammering together, horses, and they're making dollies.

Xbox ones and... All that kind of shit. And I walk around. Hands by my back. Hmm, coming along. Very good, Twinkle. You know, like that kind of shit. I go home.

Mrs. Claus has my dinner ready. Gigantic plate of cookies. A gallon of milk. We watch a few lawn orders, and then we go to bed. I thought you only got Everybody Loves Raymond. Oh, yeah. Well, I guess his TV gets something else.

Oh, did Ho Ho lie? No, we only get Everybody Loves Raymond in the workshop. Guess what? What? It's only you that sees that. Oh, no. The rest of the elves, they see whatever they want to see. It's a magic TV.

Did you hypnotize me or something? You hypnotized yourself. I hate that show. I know. That's why you're making yourself see it because you know you're evil. Oh, ho-ho, that sucks. It does for you.

I don't watch comedy bang, bang. Send me the DVDs. When's the season premiere? It's in like a week. Cool. Ah, like a week. Not up here, not up here. Oh, I forgot.

Sorry, guys. I'll watch it from my bed. I have a really comfortable bed. Oh, really? When did you get this? Did you get a new bed, Ho-Ho? You must sleep on, like, marshmallows. I did for a while, but I hurt my back, so I ordered a new thing.

Oh, really? Yeah. It came in a box so big I could do cartwheels all over it. Well, it must be big to you, Ho-Ho, but I would imagine it's a smaller box to other people. Yeah, it's the size of a mini-fridge. for Sienna. Yeah. Mini fridge is small to me.

I'm big. And the fridge is mini. And I'm smaller than the fridge. That's right. So it's big to you. Exactly. This is how shit works. Is it a comfortable mattress over?

Oh, you bet. Tell us all about it. There's three layers that keep the bed as cool as the other side of the pillow. And I didn't have to do it. that embarrassing thing of going to the mattress store. Oh, I hate that. God damn it. It's the worst.

It's tough to go. Walk in there, try to test out the mattress, people are like, well, how come you never gave me that train set for Christmas? I'm like, hey, dude, I'm off the clock. Let me buy a mattress. Santa, can I ask you a question about... Of course. Now, you see so much Santa

stuff, especially around the holidays. Yeah, tell me about it. Movies and TV shows and Can I just shut up? Let me tell you something. Here's something that drives me crazy. They have some actor portraying Santa buying a fucking car or whatever, or he's like, I don't know,

he sees Eminem and he faints or whatever. A bunch of horse shit. Santa Claus, I'm not going to faint if I see some cartoon Eminem's, God damn it. Also, shut up. That commercial really bothers me because they're trying to acquaint acquaint Santa

legendary supernatural figure with these fucking marketing devices and Santa sees him and says oh they do exist and he fates because you can't believe it that the M&M's guys are real. Give me a goddamn break. Wasn't Santa invented by Coca-Cola?

What? Oh, no, John. What did I say? No, I was just pointing out the fact. You ever heard of St. Nicholas motherfucker? Yes. Yeah, you have. Yeah, no, I'm just going to put my hands in my pocket

and flip my coat collar up. Kick some rocks while you're at it. Kick the rocks here on the stage. I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have a... Is there anyone like that that you would... You would be impressed, like Tucan Sam or Count Chocula or something like that?

They're on my bucket list, sure. I'd love to meet those guys. Ronald McDonald? Oh, if only. Kids love him. Kids love Ronald McDonald. He's so friendly. They won't shut up about him.

The way he looks is nice, and his hair is nice, too. He looks nice. He has a nice woman's hairstyle. Like a lady your mom works with. Yeah. He looks like Carol from my mom's work. after a night of crying

and her makeup runs and she's wearing that weird yellow jumpsuit that bitch why does Ronald McDonald have that hair it's weird it's like so quaffed I fucking hate him

but I love fries fries are great remember when I said I'd introduce you to the hamburger but you were very naughty I know I didn't get to go. I was supposed to have my birthday party at McDonald's. And you were

going to meet the hamburger? Yeah, I was turning a million and two. And the hamburger, hamburger is a naughty little boy, because he steals hamburgers. Yeah, I thought we'd get along real great. Yeah. But dad said I couldn't meet him. Not your dad. I found out the reason

Hoho wanted to meet the hamburger. Oh. Was because they revamped his image and made him sexy. Yeah. Give me those tits. He didn't have tits. I think I see what I want to see all the time. I think you do, ho-ho.

Oh, ho. Santa, is there any film out there? The question I was going to ask, is there any film that actually is accurate? You know, the Santa Claus or, you know... Yeah, that Tim Allen movie is really accurate. Jack Frost is a 10 out of 10. What's that? Jack Frost.

Was a 10 out of 10. 10 would bang. Did they show Santa? Wait, Jack Frost, which Jack Frost? The horror movie or the one with Michael Keaton? The one of Michael Keaton, I have a friend in that one. Don't really? What role does he play in the film? I don't remember.

Yeah, that's right, you don't. Maybe it never happened. Is Martin Short in that one? No. No, he played... Hold on a second. He did play Jack Frost in one of the Santa Claus Secret. Santa Claus 3.

Oh, right. All right. Okay, Santa Claus Superfan. I was just tracing through my mind, wondering if actually there was Santa in that movie or not. I realized maybe there's no Santa in that movie. I don't think. Jack Frost had Santa in.

Hey, assholes. Which Jack Frost are we talking about? The Michael Keaton. Yeah. But there's a really good snowboarding scene. Yeah, probably the best snowboarding scene. That movie's fucked up. Have you seen it?

Did they get tasty air? Do they think to themselves? What a thrashable slope? Backscratchers, too? They might have the microphones fucking worked around here. Scheme fucking rules. Talking about snow.

That sounds good to me. That sounds good to me. That sounds good to me. Oh, we are them boys. I don't care. I love it. I love it. Great string of in jokes, guys.

Jokes. I'm proud of us. The ban is fun. That sounds good to be. Oh, oh, the audience, yes. Hello. What are you talking about? The most accurate Christmas movie

depicting Santa Claus is, of course, Reindeer Games with Ben Affleck. Rainier Games. That was about a heist or something taking place during Christmas? Yeah, something like that. But,

Ben Affleck plays a guy named Rudy wink wink Oh Yeah Like the football player You are one exasperating motherfucker Let me tell you Like Rudolph

It's a thinly veiled story of Rudolph And his rise to power Within the reindeer hierarchy Really is Rudolph like like a Hitler of reindeer or something? Tell the truth. Tell the truth. Okay, all right.

Reindeer Games is not about a Hitler-like figure's rise to power. It's about how a badass motherfucker had to get shit done. And that's what happened with Rudolph. Really, Rudolph is sort of your rock. He gets things done for you? Yeah, my rock.

The rock. Like Dwayne, the Rock Johnson gets stuff. done for HBO with ballers every Sunday night I wish it were every Sunday night it's not year round I guess I just see what I want to see on TV I wish it were 52 episodes a year

we get more TV episodes in the North Pole than you do here really yes so shows never end in the North Pole so like Bonanza has still been going yep Bonanza Cheers Friends? Emily's reasons why not.

Deep cut. Yep. Maybe too deep, some would say. Morley safer on 60 Minutes? No, he died. This is... I don't know the rules? Come on.

You're talking fantasy rules. It's a news show. It's a news show. You think it's too soon? Yeah, that offended me. Ho-ho is a big, Morley-safety-Safe fan. Oh, yeah. I love that bitch

Oh, love Morley Safer You love that fat bitch You said that, not me Oh my gosh Well, Santa, it's so good to see you I'm sorry that we've been taking Ho-Ho away But it's always great to see you I haven't seen you in so long

It's been a while, hasn't it? It's been a while. You've been been a while by the best. Listen. Not you, motherfucker. Yeah, okay. Jesus. Listen, you gotta promise me.

Next time this creep gets out, you gotta let me know. Oh, it's very dangerous. Dangerous, really? Yes. He's kind of cute. I'm not dangerous. Oh.

Oh, oh. You know you are. Stab! He stabbed you. Oh, he stabbed your phone out. Yeah, I guess I didn't hit you. I stabbed you with a sharp, sharp object. Guess what it was?

Was it your penis? Yeah. Detachable penis. I love that song. What's your favorite song? Detachable penis. What's your favorite song, Santa? Probably.

Santa Claus is coming to town? Narcissist. It's very informational. It helps keep me on track. If I remember what it's all about. Watching people when they sleep. Watching them when they're awake. Knowing who is good and who is evil being the judge of all.

All right, Santa. Well, it's great to have you. Can you stick around? We have another guest. I don't give a fuck. All right. Well, let's get to. our next guest. He is a

bus boy at a restaurant. I've spoken to... What kind of fucking show is this? I don't know. I spoke to him once before. Please welcome Randy Snuts. Randy Snuts. First of all, I just want to say that I was in the wings and I heard a lot of scandalous language and I

think that's friggin' awesome. Good to see you again, Randy. Yeah, great to see you. That's some kick-ass shit. I was just hanging out back there. I was walking around town trying to find a jack asterer's, and I ended up in buttholes.

Not what I was expecting. What were you expecting, and what was it? I wanted a burger and to watch some sports, you know, watch the big game on TV, and instead, I just, man, my ass got more attention than the time I tricked my girlfriend running to giving me a butt massage. How did you trick her?

Huh? How'd you trick her? I just told her to touch my butt. She must be dumb as hell. Yeah, man. She was scandalous, too. She was scandalous? Yeah, she was scandalous.

She always brought the drama, if you know what I'm saying, Scott. It was always one thing or another. I'd be throwing a party at my apartment. and she'd be like, what did Kristen talk to you about while you guys were over at the fridge? And I'd be like, Jesus Christ, here we go again. You know what I'm saying?

Hi, drama, you know? She'd be like, what was your mom calling you about? And I was like, God damn it, some family stuff. And she'd be like, I want to know about it. And I'd be like, this is getting too deep. And she'd be like, how deep can it get? And I was like, not with the rhetorical questions, bitch. And she'd be like, I'm out of here.

Is that when you tricked her to touching your butt? It's an honor to meet you, sir. Thank you, Randy. You're very nice. I've always wanted to know if you were fucking immortal or not. I am. Hell yeah. That kicks ass, dude.

My ex-girlfriend once told me that her dad was immortal, but I knew it was a lie. Who's her dad? Some fucking guy. Randy, is he put out with everything asked to about you? It's probably best that you're not with your ex-girl for it any longer. Yeah, man. She was always bringing high drama, scandal.

You know, it's not nice to call a woman a piece of shit, but she definitely was. Did you call her that too? her face. Hell no. I didn't want to have my foot chopped off. What? Why would you get your foot? I don't know. When I'm sleeping, it's the easiest thing to grab and cut. Do you have

short sheets on the bed? Hey, wait. Sheets are going to keep her out. Hold on, hold on. It's hard to cut off a foot. Doesn't matter the length of the sheets. now when you're as drunk as I am dude I could sleep through a championship game

and a fucking subsequent riot Randy hey Scott what's going on so first of all some context I'm a busboy at Scott's favorite restaurant Dodomios The Domios. I haven't seen you in in a while, man.

Well, I've been on tour here. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. This is the last night of the tour. It's a little over three weeks. You know we deliver, right? I don't think you deliver out of the city limits. Dude, I would do that for you.

Is that where you're here? Yeah, man. I got a side of rice and some steamed vegetables. That's all you brought. Dude, I knew it would travel well. Did you eat the rest on the way here? Be honest. Yeah, dude, I've been busted.

What kind of food do you guys serve? It's a bring your own meat establishment. So you bring in your meat and you tell us, no, we tell you how we're going to cook it. You don't even get to choose how it's cooked? No, dude, $300 a plate. And it's hit or miss. And Scott Scott, this is your favorite restaurant.

I love it. I don't care. What kind of meat do you bring? Damn it. I've been iconopops. By the best of them. What kind of meat do you bring? Like blood sausage?

Ew. You don't like that? I just pictured him poking it and blood squirting out. And you don't like that? I'm opposite. It checks out Randy, this is John Lennon, by the way.

Wow, holy fucking shit. Thank you. Do you do chicken wings? Yeah, as long as you bring them yourself. All right, I could do it. Yeah? Sure. Yeah, of course, man. I'll give them to the chef and he'll whip something up.

Yeah, chicken wings. I want to sort of serve, you know, deep fried with some hot sauce on him. Dude, we don't take requests. That's the problem I'm running into. He doesn't care if you're from the European band The Beatles. Well, what if I sang one of my songs here with Dan for him? I mean, we could pretend the chef is here and you could do that. I don't want to.

Anyway, things are going good at work. Oh, yeah. You know, remember when Kobe got in trouble in Colorado, and he was like, at least I got basketball. Yeah. Well, my situation is nothing like that. At least you have that woman? I don't exactly remember what happened with him.

I'm more of a Michael Jordan fan. Going through Kobe's Colorado case, it's not really appropriate for, I don't know, 1,500-plus seat venue. That's what I thought. It's fascinating, but, you know, it's nothing you can't find out at smokinggun.com. Anyway, what I was trying to say is, like, I enjoy working, and it helps me get away from the scandal that is my life. You have a scandalous life. Yeah, man, all the time.

Ladies are always coming at me saying, what's up? And that's high drama for you. Hell yeah. Because I'm, here's the thing, I'm quick to commit. You are, really? Oh, yeah. At what point do you say, I love you? Man, before the end of the first date.

See, here's my deal. I'll do anything to get pussy. So, three little words will do it. Man, I'll say it before the appetizers come. What's your success rate with that scheme? I actually have a spreadsheet at home on Google Docs, and it's 78% right now. It's pretty high.

With women you said I love you too, or with just dates in general? I mean, just dates in general. Wow. Yeah. But then the problem is that, like, since I'm always in, like, that mode, then I'll have a girlfriend like that, you know? Yeah. And then, like, girls start talking to me or I start talking to some girls,

and then my girlfriend gets upset. And then it's just non-stop drama. And then, you know, shit goes down. Yeah. Well, maybe, you know, maybe you should just try to juggle women, you know, date around, you know, like not be exclusive. You can do that?

Yeah. You can, you know, I mean, I wouldn't know that much about it these days. Not that much. But you can, yeah, you can, you know, sort of play the field, as they say. Well, I wouldn't really know how to go about doing that. Like, would I just tell a girl like, hey, like,

I just want to have sex? Yeah, I mean, some girls would appreciate that. you know, I mean, Dan? I'd appreciate that. All right, but I'm not trying to fuck Dan. This is the problem I have everywhere I go. I mean, well, I'm not going to say no. I mean, maybe I'd fuck Dan. I don't know.

No, I'm not saying that you and Dan are going to have sex. I'm saying that sometimes, like, ladies out there, who would appreciate just, you know, a nice, honest, hey, I want to have sex with you. Oh. They thought you were asking. Ho-ho. You got ho-hoed.

I mean, I'm in Canada. Like, maybe Dan and I hook up tonight. I don't know. No, it's not in Canada. Anything goes up here, man. Anything goes? Yeah, dude. All right.

Have you had experiences like that down in the States ever? Like with guys? Yeah. Yeah, I'm as by as the day as long. Then why are you saying you'll try it? Because it's Canada. Oh, I've never been with a Canadian guy. Oh, okay.

The Canada part was what was throwing you. Dude, I'm a firm believer in aliens. Maybe Canadian people are like configured differently. I don't know. But dude, like for me, it's all about love. Like, I don't see like gender, you know. or um janetalia you don't see janetalia you're dating the wrong people yeah that's what she would have said should should that information been brought to her

and also the thing that was said would also have to be slightly different to make it more euphemism euphemistic But, you know, we're just talking, so... I've seen all the offices, and maybe you've seen some of them, too. But, you know, there's an easier way of saying that. But you know what I'm getting at. Just keeping it light. And a little nasty.

I'm going to turn this way now. Sure. I've surprised you hadn't yet. So Randy, what do you hope to do while you're up here in Canada? I mean, you're here to deliver me food, but now you're on a stage with Santa and an elf and John Lennon and Dan Mangan and, well, me. All right. I mean, don't get me wrong, like this kicks ass, so I'll probably bask in the glow of this for the rest of the night. I'll probably tell Santa what I want for Christmas. What do you want for Christmas? He's right here.

You might as well tell me. Dude, I wouldn't mind all of the offspring CDs. You know, a lot of libraries have those that you can take for free, and if you have a card. So you might not want to waste a gift on that because you can get it for free, but whatever you want to do. Dan, do you know any offspring songs? Not since I was 16.

Did you learn something? Oh, I knew them, yeah. They're gone, though. Which ones did you learn? Long gone. Why don't you get a job? Come out and play. You got to keep them separated.

Hey, I don't remember that one, sure. If you're under 18, you won't be doing any time. Come out and suck me dick. He'd go, come on and play. It's a great hook on that song. Right, remember? La-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah.

That's shit's good. All right, well, I guess I got to tell some elves to make a bunch of fucking offspring CDs. That'd be great, dude. I work out to that stuff. Good for you. So you already have it? Yeah, but I want it from Santa's... I want it from Santa's bag.

I'll leave out some milk and cookies. Thank you. Yeah. Hey. Yeah. It'd be fun to leave out, like, just a hot, savory dish for Santa sometime. Like a casserole? Yeah, like a casserole and like a, I don't know,

lukewarm glass of cranberry juice. What? Hey. Santa's not trying to hear that shit. I don't want... Don't get any ideas, anyone. I don't want some weird casserole with your grandma's recipe or whatever. I need my...

I need the sugar for energy. What do you need to need? the milk for. To wash down the goddamn cookies. I'm supposed to eat a million dry cookies? Use your head, Ackerman. What about, like, seven up or something?

Whoa. A cookie and a seven up. Come on. Grow up. He's going to be burping. Not four years old. Come on. I don't know. A lukewarm glass of cranberry juice really keeps

your piss stream clear. That's a mortal problem, dude. That's not an issue for me. Oh, yeah. I forgot Santa's immortal. Yeah. That's got to come in handy when other people are dying.

You know, you learn to live with it because, at first, people that you love, they pass away, and that gets to be so painful. After a while, you don't let yourself get close to anyone. Who did you love, Santa? Who was the original? Many friends over the years.

Yeah. Other saints. St. Augustine. I love that dude. He used to party. Then he got all cleaned up. Like, good for you. You had your fun.

So do you just try to meet other immortals? Is that why you married Mrs. Claus? Yeah. I made her immortal. Oh, you did? You can bestow immortality upon people? If I want to. I'd like to.

be immortal. You're not going to like the method. Wait. Is it a hard handshake? You're closer. Really? Anyone you have Congress with?

Congress. Look at this guy. Hello. Would you like to have Congress with me? I'm being up front. Will that work on girls? Anyone you have sex with? Is there a special method you have to use, or...

Yeah, it's called insertion of the penis. Yeah. Look what you're doing to me. Dragging me down in the mud with you. So is Mrs. Claus the only woman that you've ever been with? Uh-oh. Oh, ho. I'm surprised you haven't blabbed it all over the place.

No, I just told lies for the first 20 minutes. I have been with other women There was a lady before Mrs. Claus Really? Yeah Tell us about her Is she still with us? No, she's long, long dead

Really? In the ground. Skeleton by now. What was her name? Mary Todd Lincoln. We didn't. didn't even have sex, we just made out, and it drove her insane. I'm so very sorry, Santa.

Thanks. What is Mrs. Claus's name? Does she have a first name? It's none of your goddamn business. Of course, she has a first name. Well, that's private. That's only for me and her to know. Yeah, she's not allowed to talk to anyone.

She's not allowed to talk to people at the North Pole? She, by, I have advised Mrs. Claus, my wife. that it's a bad idea to talk to the elves. Yeah, but he didn't say we can't fuck her. Hello. It's very rude. I know. No, I didn't say that.

I'm not the kind of guy. Go to my Jake Lamata. I'm going to go around. Hey, this is my wife. Don't fuck her. I take it for granted. I want that pill. I want that pill.

That's what he wanted for Christmas. He wanted that pill. Wow. Well, you know what? Wow. Very good. Dude, I got one word for Santa and Mrs. Claus' situation. Yeah?

Scandalous. I bet. Hey, Dan, do you have another song that you... Hey, you guys want to get bummed out again, or what? Yeah. Let's hear another song with Dan. Another new song? Whoa!

This is unprecedented. Live leak. John, are you going to sing along to this one? I think I'll make up some lyrics, sure. No, Dan, I would never do that. Okay. How could I have known the hollowness of bones until I was shown

the way of being alone the edge of all that is pierces slowly in opens up the skin takes as well as gives but you could be the whistleblower you could really sound it out

the end of all the willful blindness mayor of the town and this is how the deal came to be this is how the deal came to be so I could really use the decency of youth I am so fed up with all of you present company excluded

all this suffice to say I'll come back from being away get complacent and unawake back to my But you could be the whistleblower You can really sound it out The end of all the willful blindness

Mayor of the town This is how the deal came to be This is how the deal came to be. This is how the deal came to be. This is how the deal came to be. Dan Mangan. Wow. That's beautiful.

Wow. I started a new podcast called Bummer Bang Bang. That's beautiful, though. Thank you. Do you know any Christmas songs? Not on the guitar. What do you know about? I know Santa Claus is coming to town, though.

Right. Everyone knows that song. It's the best. You had me, Santa Claus is coming. I'm trying to think of somebody worse than you and I'm drawing a blank. Hey.

Yeah. You remember that time I kicked the shit out of you? All right, all right, all right. Who's the first time we met? You got prison rules taught me a lesson. Yeah, you were talking some shit over FaceTime. You forgot I was a supernatural being. And I fucking came down from the North Pole, and I fucking kicked your ass.

You're so squishy, though. It was like being hit by pillows, soft pillows. Yeah, that knocked your fucking teeth out. What do we have to expect this Christmas, guys? Is there anything coming up? Yeah. That's it, just snow? What do you mean?

Like toys. Like, is there anything interesting? coming out? Like, what are the new toys that we can expect for Christmas? Everyone wants video games. They want dolls. They want all the same shit they want every year. Like, what do you want a year? I don't know. Like, sometimes there's, like, cabbage

patch kids, you know? Like, the hot new trends. Are you asking me what do kids like? Are you just avoiding this question for some reason? You know what I'm talking about? I feel like you want me to, like, give you a secret info on some toys.

that, like, we're responsible. We have to give the kids what they ask for. So they want brats dolls. We're going to make them brats dolls. But you've been getting these letters all year, right? Yeah. You get them... When do they start?

The day after Christmas, I would imagine. The day of. Yeah. Some kids, here, get a load of this shit. Some of these kids, and I love the kids. I love them. Some of these kids leave me their list for next year on Christmas Eve. So I'm putting the presents

under the goddamn tree. I'm like, oh, what's this? Someone wants to leave a note and says, I love you, Santa, thanks for the gifts. Uh-uh. It's like next year, here's what I want. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I want, I want, I want.

It's like when a teacher puts homework on the board, right at the beginning of class. We already don't want to be there. Don't remind us of the next thing. And my pencil is broken. That's exactly what it's like. Here's what kids are asking for. A lot of kids, for some reason.

They're asking for some doll called Doll So Real. Dolls. Dolls So Real. Doll so real. Doll so real. I've never heard of this. Doll so real.

It's a curry dish. This guy. Mark Russell over here. Was Mark Russell a nice little boy or a naughty little boy? Mark Russell was a nice little boy, and that's why he wasn't funny. I'm joking, that was a roast for roast sake. Who cares?

Humor's subjective. Good for you, Mark Russell, if you're still alive. Playing that piano with the stars on it. And I'm trying to make guns for babies. Really? They're trying to make guns... They're trying to make guns safer these days, you know, with like, you know, safety locks and fingerprint technology. Yeah, I'm trying to stop that. Yeah.

Oh, we've had a big discussion about whether or not there's such a thing is a bad seed. And Hoho says some babies are born evil and they should get guns. Yeah, you can tell right away. But I've been trying to tell them that they can't even hold the goddamn things. But you're trying to figure out a way that a baby can hold a gun and shoot it. Yeah. So would it be like, you know, it would be like a mitts that you put over a baby... Good idea!

Why are you doing this? Why are you helping them out? That's going to really make it work. Thanks. Here's the one thing we got going for us is babies can't support their own heads, so their aim will be for shit. Tell them about doll so real. Doll's so real, I guess it's the most realistic doll.

It can walk around, and it can talk. It complains. It complains. He complains. Does I have genitalia? Oh. The fuck is wrong with you. Man, you're nasty.

Why are you asking about a child's toy if it has genitalia? You said it was the most realistic one. Well, then read between the lines, you creep. Yes, it has genitalia. Is that what you wanted to hear? It has a functioning digestive system. It's a kid.

it's a child I'm not interested I'm just you know asking You're not interested You're just asking questions about it A lot of weird follow-ups about Dalgenitalia They ripped that page out of the book in school Do they sell them at Whole Foods?

What are you doing now? This is joke That's something that I had said But seriously, like, all joking aside, does it really have a pussy? Oh, come on now. Guys, it's a very lifelike doll that is, for all intents and purposes, a human being. But it lacks a soul.

And you can tell when you look into its eyes. Every elf that's worked on one of these doll so reels has gone mad. What do you do with the crazy L's? We have a place. Is it like an insane asylum, like an Arkham asylum, up there at the North Pole? From Batman? It's a living grave.

He just digs a hole and covers it and he's still alive in there forever. Oh. Hello. There's more to it than that. It's an underground facility. He puts chips in it. They like chips.

What's so wrong about that? It's the only difference in life. Elves love chips. We do. I thought elves just ate candy. We just ate candy? Not like previously you just ate candy. I mean, you only ate candy.

Although, ho, ho, just ate candy. I just ate candy. I berth it. What? You birthed it? She just ate. Oh, gestate. Yeah, right.

Rub your eyes. Baby needs a nap. I don't want to get off the stage. It's going to be over. Aw. Oh, so sad. So sad. You like this tour, don't you?

Well, I feel like you. Going around traveling from city to city, giving people, you know... Gifts, which they'll all get. That you have backstage. Oh, like Oprah? Right. everyone check under your chairs

y'all get free gum ABC gum ABC gum yeah that's right cool well guys do you have any last final words we got to wrap it up I mean we're getting to the

yeah it's terrible I don't want to leave but do you have final words for the people out here we have one last thing after this but do you have any any words of wisdom can I start Sure.

All right. Santa, please. Listen up, assholes. I'm immortal, but I know that for you, life is short. You've got to be good to each other. Hold each other tight.

Be nice. Let go of those dumb arguments you have. There's nothing that you can't apologize for and make it okay. Jesus Christ, God damn it. Just be kind and be good to kids for fuck's sake. wise words

wise words wise words ho ho what are you oh well I just want to say I want to echo Santa sentiments and say that's the cheap way my candy cane dick

all right thank you a popular sentiment moving over here to Dan Dan anything you want to say to the people Thanks for coming to Vancouver, folks Yeah, oh, of course, yeah Nice to have you

Yeah John, do you Yeah, if you wear glasses To see distances Invest in some rec specs Of sports goggles Because you never know when you're going to be In a situation where you're playing

What are your heroes And my God I'm not kidding myself I didn't think I was going to beat him But I did want to see him Sure, sure Sure, yes, John Lennon. Thank you.

Randy, what do you have for the people? I mean, I'm just going to come right out and say it. Like, I think people need to be less scandalous to each other. And I think when it gets down to it late at night and it's you and somebody else, turn out the light and forget what genitalia is. Just go at it. Yeah.

Well, guys, if there's been one sort of theme song for this tour, as we've been going along, it's been one song that we've sung in almost every episode, and I wanted to kind of take the time here at the end just to close it out and sing our sort of the anthem of the tour, if that's okay. I don't care. I love it. Oh, you do too, O-O.O. And that's exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm, of course, talking about Icona Pops' iconic pop song. It's, I love it. I don't care. Engineer Ryan, do you have that for us? I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone. I crashed my car into the bridge. I watched my lay burn. I threw your shamed and steward back and pushed it down the stage.

I've crashed my car into the bridge I don't care I love it I don't care I love it I love it I don't care I got this feeling

I love it I heard when you know I don't I cut my car and through the bridge I water I threw your shit into a bag

and put it down the stairs I crashed my car into the bridge I don't care I love it I don't care I love it I love it

You're on a different road I'm in the Milky Way You won't me down on earth But I am up in space You're so damn hard to bleed We gotta kill this witch You're from the 17th But I'm a 90s bitch

I love it Ladies and gentlemen Dan Mangan Mike Hanford Tim Boltz Lauren Lapkis Mr. Paul F. Tompkins. Thank you.

Thank you, Vancouver. We love you. Yeah.