Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2019 Tour, Chicago (Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, Carl Tart)

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

This Bonus Bang was recorded live in Chicago, Illinois. Scott and special co-host Jason “Heynong Man” Mantzoukas are joined by Alimony Tony to talk about his newest engagement. Then, small business owner Big Sue stops by to talk about being stressed because of her new relationship. Plus, The Chief drops by while on her search of master thief Carmen Sandiego. Originally released September 8, 2019. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. And this week's bonus bang is the first in a new series. Everyone loves when a new series occurs. Well, this is it. And you all remember last February when we released our incredible series, uh, Moramoni Tony?

We all remember that. It was 2025. Uh, everyone remember. where they were when we started this. Well, this year we are releasing a series called Even More Amoni Tony. And this, of course, features Alamo, Alamoni Tony. Not Alamoni, but Alamony Tony, you know, Tony Jack Yaroni,

played by Paul F. Tompkins, who he's a divorcee who loves paying alimony. And insists upon it. Well, we all know who he is, and we're going to hear more of his episodes over the next month. And this one is a great one. This episode is entitled 2019 Tour Chicago. And if you wondered what that title refers to, it was recorded during the 2019 tour

in the city of Chicago. At the historic Chicago Theater on September 8th, 2019. Now, this was Alamone Tone's, it was only his second appearance on Comedy Bang Bang, if you can believe it. A relatively new character especially at the time.

We all remember Alamone Tony's origin story where Paul F. Tompkins laughed at, it was the name of a catchphrase submitter, laughed at it so much, and then just decided to do Alamone Tony as his character that episode. This is the second appearance. Now we have, who else do we have?

We have Jason Hainong Man Manzukas with me. And in addition to Alamoni Tony, our character guests are small business owner, Big Sue. played by Lauren Lapkis, and the Chief, played by Carl Tart. I do believe this might be the episode with the Dink, Dink Man on it. This is a classic. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang,

as well as other shows like CBB Presents, Scott hasn't seen, The Neighborhood Listen, College Town, become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, add free new episodes, and even more original. shows, the entire Wamp You Up Library. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Chicago, Illinois.

Chicago Theater, the historic Chicago Theater. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Balkany Report 2? I think. It's our pleasure to return to Chicago, the town where historically I broke my foot on the first Comedy Bang Bang Tour. Who was there?

Really? We'll see if it happens tonight. I was in so much pain, and I thought, eh, this will pass. And I went to sleep. And then had to hop on one foot to a hospital. That's Chicago. Well, oh, you know what?

Actually, I have a thing. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Shut the fuck up. Hold on. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love lets me put it in there behind. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to at official Gwyneth Paltrow

for that catchphrase admission. Thank you to Gwyneth. Didn't know she was a fan. Hi. Thanks for coming. This is a beautiful theater. I've never been to this. It's wonderfully wide, isn't it? I believe they call it the theater

as wide as it is tall. In the city that's as wide as it is. Hall, which is... My name is Scott Ackerman. Oh, you remembered. We have a wonderful show for you tonight. Who here has never heard an episode of Comedy Bang Bang? Always in the Corners.

And always so proud. That was... If I had to describe the show, and I pray that I do at some point. But if I were forced to buy a masked gunman and they threatened or even promised to kill myself, my loved ones, possibly my loved ones in front of me first so that I could feel the emotional pain

before the physical pain of being shot execution style, if I had to do that. If I had to describe the show, essentially, it's the show where we talk to interesting people. And that is what we're going to do tonight. Tonight we are going to be talking to someone who's independently wealthy, so that's very exciting. We also have a small business owner. Don't get a lot of those on the show. And someone who's in law enforcement, so that's very exciting. and this will just be an unfiltered conversation between myself and the other participants.

Who knows what's going to happen? Anything goes. This guy will arrive. How are you, sir? What do you got to drink there? Oh, dear. He went brand-specific. Jumped over the intermediary step of beer. Is everyone ready to start this show? What do you say? I certainly have those guests, but before we get to them, I do want to introduce someone who's going to act as sort of an Airsatz co-hosts with me for this show.

You know him as an actor who has been in such films as John Wick 3 Parabellum. Please welcome the Hainong man himself, Jason Manzukas. Holy shit. Holy shit. Wow. What a treat, Scotty. What a treat. What a treat.

great looking crowd Scott said upstairs I bet it's going to be a lot of uggos and I said buddy I was here last night and this fucking audience is top to bottom T to be gorgeous

and honeys I hate stools What a treat? How are you? I'm great, how are you? Not too bad. You were here doing some How Did This Get Made shows?

Yeah, was anybody at How Did This Get Made last night? We did two shows here last night in this legit, gorgeous theater. Yeah, but it's not about you tonight. It's not. It's about you. Tonight we honor you, Scott. Wait, is this some sort of reverse award show? Tonight, Scott, lock the doors. You die.

This show ends with you as the host. I mean, begins with you as the host and ends with me as the host. And ends with me as a g-host. Oh, haunting! How stoked would you guys be to have Scott Ackerman haunting this theater for the rest of time? That's why we chose this theater. If I had to die, and I sincerely hope I don't. Yeah.

Ever? Ever. I have an update. I would pick this place as my number one place that I would like to die. Great. Number two, hospital. Yeah. Just general.

Not general hospital, but... Just general hospital. Hospital, Season 17, episode 23. When Luke and Laura went to that weird island. And then number three. Yeah. Kitchen floor. Yeah.

Whose? Who's kitchen floor? When you picture it, do you picture your kitchen floor at home or the kitchen floor you grew up in? I picture it is Emerald Lagasse's. Bam. That's, I'm assuming, him shooting me in the back of the head. Bam. It's the sound of gun makes.

Bam! He would make such an excellent assassin. He already has his catchphrase. What he does is he takes cayenne pepper and he packs it hard into a bullet form. And then he shoots it through your head, but there's no bullet anymore. It just fragments again into cayenne pepper. But first he dips it in pig's blood. Oh, yes.

So you don't know what's up. Oh, boy. Where do you want to die? You ever think about that? Where do I want to die? Yeah. And under what circumstances? And third part of the question, can we have more on the monitors?

You want more in the monitors? Yeah. Okay. Okay. I'll take that. Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, I'll take a little bit. I don't mind it. Check, check, check. Checking. Checking. Checking. Checking's fun. Check, check, mate. I would like to die, let's say, I would like to die while falling from a great height. Really? In the midst of it. They say, and I don't know whether this was meant to be a comforting thing or not when I was growing up, but they say that when you fall off, say, the Empire State Building, or sorry, Sears Tower. You heard this when... Trump Tower, Trump Tower. You heard this when you were growing up.

Literally when I was growing up, because you'd say, oh, I don't want to fall off, you know, something, a really high building. They would say, oh, don't worry, you die from the shock of it before you ever hit the ground. Yeah, I could see that being true. I don't think it's true. Yeah, probably not. Well, wasn't there a case recently of someone who? whose parachute didn't open

while they were skydiving and they lived? I've seen a video like that where a guy What videos are you watching, man? What gets you off at this point? You're just watching like shoot didn't open pornoes? I saw this crazy video where a guy takes his girlfriend into a scary movie

and suddenly everyone turns into zombies and they dance around. Okay. What happens next? I don't know. Basically, he drops the girl off at the end of the video and you think it's over, but then he turns to the camera and he's got like crazy yellow eyes. Cool? Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Anyway, but this other video... I don't see why examining it any further is necessary. Nope. But that's a porno you watched. That was a porno, yeah. It was the prelude to a very sick porno. Multi-year. Then just his...

His... You didn't get to... to see it, but you heard about it, it didn't sound good. No. But I saw this video where a guy jumps out of a plane, he's taping himself, he's going to parachute, it doesn't open, he hits the ground, and he goes, sort of standing, and he sort of crumple, I don't want to do it myself, because of the indignity of rising from that position.

But he stands and he says, oh my God, oh my God, I'm alive, I can't believe it. And then he dies. And then a truck hits him. That would be amazing. Oh, my God. Oh, my, wham! Winging, ding, ding, ding, ding. It's the Doppler effect.

Somehow you're able to watch a video of all of it. Yeah. So I don't think the dying of shock is true because that guy would have died of shock. So I think the impact probably causes your brain stem to be separated from your... Yeah. If I was going to be honest, it would be like at home in bed.

With loved ones around you? With loved ones around. This audience, perhaps? Perhaps this audience. Many of the people that are here tonight, I expect to be by my bedside in my last moments. These are some of my dearest friends. Have you thought about your final words yet?

What you want to be known for saying? I think it's probably going to be a hangong man. Because my expectation will be that I will then greet you in heaven. You will say it back, and we will have reset for each time. It's interesting you think you're going to heaven. I just like the idea of being on my deathbed, sane, hey, Nong man, and my family being like, oh, come on. Still doing bits? Dumb bits from a podcast? Remember podcasts?

Um, yeah, I don't know. I don't think I'm going to heaven. Do you want to die before your parents? Uh, do I want to? No, no. Hmm. Why? Do I want to? Why? You said that so matter-of-factly, there's no question in my mind that you do. So you want to undergo the grief of watching your parents' guy. I am going to have to undergo. I mean, listen, the heartbreaking reality, the trauma of, the great looming trauma of my life is their deaths.

And it's coming for me. Right. But don't you want to take precautions to make sure that... Take myself out first? Oh, no. Not at all. But I'm also like, I think we're going nowhere. I think we got nothing. I think it's a zilch. Yeah.

You know, like we are meat in the ground. Meat and potatoes. Yep. So do you, do you, if you could do it, would you be the last? Would you be the last living man on earth? Just roaming the earth? No, I don't, that doesn't hold, well, I mean, hmm. It sounds very lonely.

It does, doesn't it? It sounds very lonely. At that point, what do you do? Do you say, like, there's probably no one left on earth, goodbye, and jump off the Sears Tower? Eventually, yes. Eventually, I think I would probably kill myself. But I think what I would first do would be as much insane shit as I can possibly do. Right.

You know, like, I would just go completely bananas in an empty world, you know. Right. And then, you know, and then probably figure out some spectacular way to like, you know, end it all. But without anyone there to witness it, is it just for the experience? Listen, man, I don't always need an audience. Says the guy who's been here two nights in a row. The quickest email I ever received back from Jason was, hey, do you want to do the show the next night?

Immediately within three seconds. Yeah. Yes. Why? Because I love Chicago. I love these audiences. And you said, help, I need you. I hate Chicago.

Chicagoans are the worst. These people are trash and ugly. Please help me. Zooks, I need you. And I, you know what? My buddy said help. And yeah, you're right, Scott. I very quickly said I would help.

Jason Manzoukas. Oh my gosh. Remember, if you're confused, they're not saying Bruce. They're booing. You just got to town today. We did. Our flight was delayed and just barely touched ground before we came over here to the theater. Oh, wow.

Cutting it. Close. I almost did this show a solo. Can you imagine? I would like to see that. Can you imagine we're on a plane so sorry? None of us are making it. Imagine if you showed up for Comedy BangBain, I was just like, hey, hello. I like the idea, by the way, that there's no intro, no. theme music, you're just here on stage as they arrive. Yeah.

I'm not sure what the cliques are either. Is that a walker situation? It's just really quiet. Oh, hello, I didn't see you there. One-man show time. It would be. I'd have to do my one-man show. I'd have to just straight up put my one-man show in. Yeah. Have you thought about what would it be called?

Zooks with an exclamation point. Zooks, there it is. It would probably be called Zooks, there it is. Zooks, comma, there. it is exclamation point. Zooks let the dogs out. Nope, no. Zooks, there it is in, Zooks, there it is.

No, I know the reference. I would do, it's like 45 minutes of me karaoke in that song and dancing. Including the long fade out. No, like the last 10 minutes are a heartbreaking story where I just weep

uncontrollably about a breakup I had. What's the toughest breakup you've ever been through? Uh, Oh, boy. What's the toughest? Well, you know, I mean, I don't think it's... I dated someone for 11 years, and that breakup was catastrophic for me, you know, just in terms of... Same with me.

I dated someone for 10 years, broke up, and then asked her to marry me. Yeah. How's that going? It's going great. I mean, it's not good to have a girlfriend when you're married. Yeah. So you got to break it off. You got to wrap that shit up.

Yep. Because you got the wife now. Yep. Oh, brother. Yeah, so a lot of what they call tears running down the old eyes for you. You really are like, I feel like at some point we're going to find out that Comedy Bang Bang was an exercise by an alien to figure out what humanity is. And the first clue will be like the discovery that Kool-Up is a robot.

I'm just asking these probing questions trying to get at and all these, these interesting people, you're like, Will, what is, what's a this? Oh, what's on that? You okay? What? Are you like, why do I feel like you're like circling, circling? You're buffering. How would you describe sadness? How would I describe, like, which face would I point to on a chart of sadness? Sure, if you could diagram your face, how would it go?

You know, just like, like hollow eyes, downturned mouth, you know, a sallow, Gaunt. You know. I see it. Yeah, you see it. Yeah. True sadness. You get it.

It's right there. Yeah. Beard. Beard. Depression beard. Debris. Yeah, sure. You have one of the greatest depression beards.

Absolutely. In show business. Thank you so much. Just one day you broke up with someone. Caboom. Layed down on a couch. Three months later, you got up. Three months?

No. Six months later. Like six hours later. I have to shave every 45 minutes. Really? To get this. Yes. Wow.

Jason, are you excited for tonight's show? What do you think we're going to see here if you had to handicap it? I've never done this before. I've never done a pregame. You know, kind of... I think these folks are going to give it all they've got. You know, I saw them backstage, working it out, stretching it out. I think they've got the skills.

I think they've got the expertise. I think these guys have the talent to bring what they bring to the max. I think this is going to quite possible. possibly be one of the greatest comedy bang-bangs put to digital file. Whoa! Between the ones, the zeros, who knows what we're going to get in this digital file tonight? Are you guys all ready for a digital file? That's right.

What do you say we tarry no further? Please. And bring out our first guest. I would love literally nothing more. And I don't consider you to be our first guest. I consider you to be... I take no offense. You can keep moving on.

I consider you to be family. Thank you. You know, just like in the Fast and Furious movies, we are family. I thought you were going to say the Olive Garden, but same kind of thing. Fast and Furious movies are the Olive Garden of Movies. By the way, because when you're here, you're family. You're not wrong. And Vin Diesel's been eating all those breadsticks.

Yeah. Oh, man, he's going to come for you. Come at me, Vin. I'm right here in Chicago. Sing a song about us, Finn. Do you sing songs? Check out his Instagram. Okay.

All right, Chicago Theater. Let's get to our first guest. I mentioned him before. He is independently wealthy, which helps out a lot with his very interesting lifestyle, of which I'm sure we're going to get not only an update, but a recap regarding. I can't wait.

I'm trying to let it happen. I'm not interrupting. Of course. He has been married seven times. Please welcome Alamone Tony. Alamoni, Tony. Hello. Hello, Chicago Theater.

Hello. What a warm and wonderful welcome. Thank you so much, Chicago. Thank you. What a warm and wonderful welcome from Chicago. Delightful. Where are you from, Tony? Oh, I'm from here, I'm from there, I'm from everywhere.

Fair enough. I'm from the mid-Atlantic region of the United States. Great. I can tell from that Middle Atlantic accent. I've tried to lose it, but to no avail. I like how you're sitting so far away from us. Oh, well, I don't know the rules. I've never been performing on a stage before.

Really? Really? Because this is quite a few people for someone who's never been in a... It's very impressive. You know, I'm a huge comedy bang bang fan. and the way Scott and I met was I submitted a catchphrase to Comedy Bang Bang. And he chose my catchphrase, and I barged into the studio. You heard me recite it.

I heard him recite it. I said, I've got to get to that studio. And so I ran down there. And I like to think we became fast friends. I'd like to think so as well, yet we have not seen each other since that day. Or communicated in any way. But here I am live on stage somehow. This is incredible.

Yeah. No text, no call, no motorcar. It's as simple as can be. Now, Tony, we've never met before. No, it's nice to meet your Jason, correct? Yeah, exactly. So I can't help but ask, you know, like the name, Alamone Tony. That's me.

Yeah, what is... Is it Mr. Tony? I can't recall. It's not Mr. Tony, no. Would you like me to call you Alamoni Tony or just Tony? You could call me Tony. You could call me Alamoni Tony. Okay.

Either one is fine. Alamoni Tony is a nickname. Don't call me late for my alimony payments. Are you always on time with those? I'm scrupulously on time. And that's mainly because you love that. I love paying alimony. That's what they call me Alamoni Tony.

It's my favorite activity in the world. So it's something you're quite proud of. It's not in any way like a negative nickname. You're talking about the painful shame of being divorced? Yes. Of being part of a failed marriage? Sure. For some, I get it.

for me, whatever pain or suffering I feel at the demise of my marriage is mitigated by my joy and the opportunity to pay alimony. I love to pay alimony. So much so, my nickname is Alamoni Tony. That's really interesting.

Can I ask you, if you don't mind a follow-up question? I'm an open book. Go ahead. And forgive me if any of this has been covered before. But how do you feel about child support? Well, I'm child-free and also childless. Got it.

Because nothing in my body works in favor of procreating children. Okay. In that regard only. Everything else in your life. I'm pretty healthy. I'm pretty healthy. From heart to butthole, everything is okay. If you'd like to put it that way, sure, I'll agree.

Is that a phrase you grew up with? From heart to butthole? Every time I would go into my EMT, it's like, how's the heart to the butthole? You went to an EMT as a doctor's appointment? Every time I went to. the EMT. Now, Jason, Jason, that shouldn't be your primary

caregiver. Jason, I believe... It's a lot, you know, a lot of people pay for the valet every time they go somewhere. That was what my parents were like. Well, you know,

it's like some people say, why should we have universal health care? We have the emergency room. It's all taken care of. Yeah, you know, like, get a pediatrician guy. But I thought you were saying E&T, E&O's a throat mat.

I don't know what I said. All right. So, Alamony Tony, That's me. Your balls are... I beg a pardon? As barren as a

winter's field. Pretty much. I mean, there's no baby-making materials in there. It turns out to be grapefruit juice. Grapefruit juice. I drank too much of it as a child. Are you sure it's not just urine in there? No, no, no, no.

I mean, it might look like grapefruit juice. No, a doctor. A doctor told me. A doctor told me. Do you think that urine is stored of the testicles? Yeah. It's a common misconception. But it turns out how it works?

No, they keep it in the bladder. That's why if I drink a whole bunch of stuff, my balls get real big and full like water balloons. What stuff are you drinking? Huh? Huh? You know, like a lot of protein shakes and stuff. Sure. A lot of jamba juice.

Cretein powder. Cretine powder. Muscle milk. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Milk it. And they get big and swollen and heavy, and then, like, cottage cheese comes out the hole? The hole.

But it's rancid. It is not that kind of show, Jason. It's not that kind of show? It's not that kind of show. Fair enough. It's a different kind of show. We can move on. Yeah, certainly.

So, yes, child support. Not an issue for Al-a-Money-Toney. Do all of your wives know this going in? You are honest with them about the fact that you cannot. have children? You know, you'd be surprised. You would think it's not first date conversation, but it always is. If you're on a first date with alimony

I get it. I get it out of the way right away, and I will tell you, to a woman, I've been married seven times, they have all appreciated the refreshing honesty. Now, is this before the all-you-can-eat-breadsticks come out? Are you saying that we're going to the olive garden?

We don't always go. I've been to various restaurants. How many restaurants are you? But it is before even a morsel food is ordered. Before the waiter even comes over, I say, look, let me get this out of the way. If you're looking for children, you've got to look somewhere else because everything inside me that would make a baby doesn't work. Can I ask you a question? Has, you know, over the years, over your many marriages, have any of them had children of their own from a previous marriage or relationship? Absolutely every single one of them. Every, okay. So there are children.

You had a lot of stepchildren then? No, because I'm not. married to them anymore. But at the time, you were a stepfather. No, I was never a stepfather. They had children after we divorced. Oh. I thought that was the question. Was I mistaken?

I do apologize. Sorry. They call me alimony, Tony. Jason was right. They call me alimony, Tony. Not perfect hearing, Tony. Sorry. Sorry, I was more saying, when you married any of these women, did they come with children

from a previous? Were they the whole package? Were you ever a stepfather is what I said? I was never a stepfather. Never a stepfather. Came close a couple times, but it didn't work out. How did you come close? Came close?

The women you were with suddenly got knocked up by another man? Came close to be a stepfather. And decided to terminate the pregnancy? How narrow. This was going to blow your minds. I didn't marry those women. Oh, okay. That's how I almost became a stepfather but didn't.

So your dislike for children is greater than your love for future alimony. That's where you're wrong, Jason, because I. On those two occasions, I did adore those women, and I was ready to take the step, but they called it off. Oh, oh, okay. I think they sensed that maybe I was going to divorce them at some point. Are you as honest about the lack of being able to make children

as you are about wanting to eventually get divorced from these women? As discussed before, I am very honest about my inability to be able to have children, answering your question. Can I ask you a... No, that's not what I was asking. That's exactly what you just asked me. No, I said, are you as... You said, am I as honest about not being able to have children as I am about loving to pay alimony?

I've answered your question, sir. I have it. Alamony, Tony, if you don't mind. I don't mind at all. Wait a minute. Scott, were you asking me... Who cares? I don't care. Answer whatever you want.

I'm honest about two things. I cannot make a child, and I love to pay alimony. that's kind of my question was going to be for you, like, and I don't know if you are, maybe it's just when you're on these first dates, or are you on, like, dating apps or anything like that, is one of the things you talk about, like, loving alimony. Like, are you advertising your love of pain alimony is one of your interests or likes? That's something that I like to talk about in person, but I am on all the apps. I have a bot that finds women, potential dates for me, all the apps. There's a bot that does that? It's a bot that does that. What's your, what's your

type. What's it looking for? Well, well, I I like brown hair. I like a gal with a little meat on a bones. I like that you just slowed down. Oh, I like, look. I think Alamore Tony's going to make a meal out of this. I mean, I wouldn't love

paying Alamona so much if I didn't love the ladies. I love brown hair. I love a gal with a little meat on the bones, or a gal with extremely thick bones and not much meat at all. You just like a general shape. Yes, exactly. Well, because as we've talked about before, Scott, I have in my home a closet full of clothes for a potential wife.

Okay. And when we get divorced, I say you're going to get $12,000 a month for the rest of your life. But I got to keep those clothes. Oh, so you are putting all of your wives in the same wardrobe? Yes. I mean... Oh, so that's interesting because... The clothes change... The fashions change over time. That's what I was going to say. What would be interesting to me would be like,

if you get divorced, not only do you have the joy of alimony, but you get to buy a whole new wardrobe and then find someone to become your living doll and wear it. Exactly. Well, I wouldn't say living doll. Oh, I didn't mean living doll. I just meant living doll. You know, like a paper doll that you've made clothes for. It is fun. It's fun to go shopping for the clothes. I know all the sizes.

You go shopping for them? I thought you had them all. Well, but when the fashions change, are you paying attention to the show? He's not a good listener. I feel like he's not a good listener. Are you okay? It is very echoy. Maybe I'll move closer. I'll move closer.

Very good. Maybe that'll help you hear me. Okay, thank you. Oh, sure. What an easy crowd. Oh, they'll applaud even just movement of any kind. It's a very static show. I wish I thought to make a noise like, ding, ding, ding when I walked over.

See? They love a call bag. I go shopping because the fashions change, and I'm not going to ask. The show. shoulder thing is not necessary. Why don't you like this? I'm a friendly guy. Let me keep to yourself. Let him touch you. Come on. It's okay. Just be cool.

Back off both of you. Hey, I'm not trying to marry you. You're a little too blonde. Hey, maybe marry him. You could get some money out of this. Anyway, I go shopping because of course, fashions change, and I don't want my wife to be an outdated clothing. Can I ask you a question

on a morning, too? Yes, you don't have to raise your hand. My understanding and presumption is that most of these women fit the same general... So this is an understanding and a presumption. He knows it as far a fact. Thank you, yes.

My presumption from what you've said previous is that all these women fit a certain physical makeup. Does that physical makeup... Do you share that physical makeup? Are you trying on these clothes when you're buying them? What a leap. That is quite a leap.

Are you just buying them off the rack and hoping they're right? I'm buying them off the rack. I'm reasonably certain. They're going to fit. There are, I am not to, this is going to sound very boastful. I am a wealthy man, so I do have some bespoke clothes made to specific specifications. Yes, of course.

Oh, wow. And if you were to describe the shape, you say either a woman with a lot of meat on her bones or huge bones. A woman with paper thin. She has to either have regular-sized bones with a lot of meat or abnormally wide bones with just a little bit of meat. How many times have you found? the ladder. I'm going to say of the 7th. It's been 50-50.

Really? Yeah. And follow-up question. How much do those people weigh? Their bone density must be out of control. Here's what's amazing. They weigh the same. Whoa. That's wild. Interesting.

Silence. Science. She blighted you? She blinded me. With science. Good heavens. So you've been married seven times. Is there anything on the horizon for you?

I'm engaged. Whoa! Alamone Tony! That's right. Taking the plunge. I'm taking the plunge. Holy cow. How did you guys meet?

We met on one of the apps. Great. The bot alerted to me. Ping, ping, you've got a match. What is the bot looking for? The physical type or a certain emotional vulnerability? The bot is looking for someone who responds to the Alamoni Tony profile. Almost like a mind hunter profile?

Exactly. Okay. The bot's a bit of a profiler. And so it's somebody who finds my picture interesting, somebody who finds my being independently wealthy interesting. So wait a minute. Is this a bot or just you're alerted to the fact that someone has clicked on your profile? Oh, maybe that's it.

Okay. I assumed it was a little robot doing that. What's your, what's your, like, description? Is it include, like, independently wealthy? It'll say, of course, independently wealthy. I'm an amateur song parodist. Oh, that's very interesting. Yes, that's a part of Alamone Tony's resume

that we haven't talked about at this point. Well, yeah, I mean, there's not much to say. I mean, I do like, you know, the rewriting of, of songs that exist already but using comical lyrics in place of the lyrics that are already there. And so it's a familiar tune and the words are close enough, but

they diverge significantly so that everyone has a good time. And I've made several these are called song parodies and I've made several of them and I've uploaded them to YouTube under the screen name of Weirdomone alimony Tony. Weirdemone alimony Tony.

That's correct. That's me. And do you get a lot of views? Are you pointing out? No. Each video has approximately one view, and that's usually me checking to see that it's okay. And if there's ever two, it's because it was not okay

and you had to re-upload? That has been the case on several occasions, yes. Well, that's got to be disappointing. How long is this a new pursuit? I've been out of, I'm going to say, a good 15 years. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Yeah, and I, I don't know, I think I'm pretty, good at it. Do you remember your first one? We always remember our first. First love. The first one, let's say, what was some of the popular songs 15 years ago? Well... Fifty years ago? Fifteen.

2015. I'm sorry. Fifty years ago. I don't know how old you think I am. 15 years ago? 2004, the Strokes certainly had a couple records out. The Ting Ting. The Rapture? Is this Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah's. Territory?

Yeah, yeah, yes, territory, definitely. Those pants, maps? I don't know who those are, but, uh... Christina Aguilera. Oh, no, no, no, uh, in sync. Backstreet boys? Back, back, back, back, boys. Backstreet's back all right.

Is that a song? Oh, boy. Good boy. Justin Timberlake, cry me a river. Oh, good one. That had to have been out in 2004. How does that go? Or he's bringing sexy back.

Oh, now that one I know. Okay. All right. I did a parody of Justice Timberlake's I'm bringing sexy back. And what I did was, I changed the situation. So instead of a gentleman who is looking around and saying,

nothing's sexy anymore, I need to bring it back. I never really thought about those lyrics in that way, but yeah, that's what it is. Well, in my mind, in my mind, listening to the song, I imagine Justin Timberlake, you know, maybe lives in some sort of mansion,

overlooking the city. He looks around. He's wearing his fedora. He's wearing his little fedora. He's wearing one of his fedora. He's wearing a little trilby, and he looks around the world as it is, and he says, it's not sexy anymore. Somebody's got to do something.

He's almost like Batman, looking out over Gotham. Yes. The hubris that it's Justin Timberlake that it's going to bring sexy back? Well, it's maybe not the hero that we wanted, but it's the hero we wanted. It's the hero we deserve.

Yeah, it's true. Not even that we deserve, but got. Yes, yes. So, I reimagine the song, and I say, what if I'm in a restaurant, and I'm not happy with the meal I've just been served. And it went a little something like this. I'm sending dinner back. I didn't like these rolls.

I'm sending dinner back. Take this off my check. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Well, that's the most views this one has ever gotten. Can I ask?

Do you have it? Not as long as the original. Yeah. Well, I did the whole song. Did you want me to sing the entire song? Because I feel like... Did we Chicago? Now look, you'll have to forgive me.

It's been a long time. I don't remember the exact melody. Should we... I mean, we don't have to do that one, per se. We can do one of your hits. Well, I thought if you wanted... Well, hits is a relative term. But if you wanted a medley...

Name any song, and I'll see if I can do a parody of it right now. Any song, boy. A well-known song. Yeah, yeah, of course. Like... Nothing by maps. No, no, no. Like...

Adorable. Is like a Britney Spears era, like pop music a good era? Sure. Pop, hit me maybe one more time. Perfect. Okay, let's see. Or since you've been gone, you said a medley. Here's a couple, you know.

Okay, I didn't mean like I was actually going to be able to do. Let's give you 20 songs. I was saying let's do. We'll keep feeding them to you. I was thinking let's do a few songs one at a time. That was boastful of me. I shouldn't have used the word medley. It has a meeting and I was not prepared to,

that arrangement. Unlike Alamoni, which I have always prepared to fulfill. You said backstage that you'd done an entire parody album of Fleetwood Mac Rumors called Tumers.

Yes, that's right. Song by song. It was very grim. All of the songs had to do with tumors? They were all about just people's insides decaying, cancer.

I get why people didn't respond to it. But I was on a roll. What can I say? So Britney Spears Hit Me Baby one... Hit me, baby, one more time. Okay, let's see.

Let's see. That song is about a lady who is... I think she's having sexual little course. She's saying, I'd like more of it, please. Is it really? I'm not...

I mean, why not? Let's let him go with it. Do we take the song literally? Is it... Sure? Oh, no, no, no. No, no. No, no.

No, no. No, no. I don't think it's... No, no. Absolutely not. What would you say, before we start the parody, what would you say the original song is about? Because I want to make sure I'm steering clear.

You know, I heard a stand-up comedian friend of mine who worked comedy clubs in the 80s once heard a story about a song parodist who took the song Lola by the Kinks and made it about a man accidentally picking up a cross-dressing prostitute, which is exactly what the song is about. So he just,

rewrote the song Lova to still be about exactly what it was already about. But just more overtly? I think so. Change the name? I can't remember if you changed the name. This was just a story that I heard. That you heard or this comedian friend heard. This is a story that I heard from my comedian friend who heard the story.

Well, okay, if I could... It's a legend of the brick wall comedy scene. Oh! If I could sort of recite some of the lyrics that I know, it's baby, baby, how... Can it be? Can it be? Is that what it is? I don't know.

One of these nerds can do it. Was I supposed to know? Baby, baby. How was I supposed to know? That something wasn't right. Oh, so maybe it's about like you haven't called me in a while. Hit me.

So hit me up on the phone. Yeah. I see. An artificial prequel to Hotline Bling. Almost like Chinatown to the Two Jakes. Hmm. Forget it, Two Jakes. Jakes, it's two Chinatowns.

I was shocked when I realized they'd made a prequel to the two Jakes. Why did they ever make a three Jakes movie? Oh, can you imagine that third Jake? Just that's... All I was thinking in the two Jakes was, we gotta get one more, Jake.

If they could make all these Fasoferius films, why can't they keep all the Jake friends? The Jake Averse. Yeah. I mean, we already had Jake in the Fat Man in the 80s. Get that Jake in on this. Or you got Bagel Boss when he came around. When he came around. Wait, why did you mention

Beagle Boss? Well, you have Jack Nicholson and the other Jake and the two Jake's as Harvey Keitel. Exactly. And then get Beagle Boss in there and you got something. He's the third Jake. The Bagel Boss guy who's like on YouTube, like railing against me? So the time between

the sequel is 30 years. It's always 30 years. Okay, all right. All right. And the next iteration is including the bagel bus? Why not? I don't know. I mean, we don't know if he can act, but he's a passionate person, certainly. Oh, yeah.

He's going to bring something to it. All right, so, hit me, baby, watch. Hi. We're originally about a desired telephone call that has yet to come. All right. I'm going to make it about... Oh, hell, hell, hell. Baby, baby, how was I supposed to grow?

Then how's it go? Should we, do you want to do what? Do you want to do what for a song? I was making it up. Do you want to do one for a song you like feel comfortable? Oh, the song I know. Would that make it easy? This is very difficult.

I thought, I mean, do you guys, saddle you with something impossible? Do you guys know the words to these songs? Are you just making up? I'm trying to pitch songs you might know because they're pop songs. Right. They're number one hits. Right.

Well, what will be a song like that that you are familiar with? Because I bet I would be for the... Smashmouth All-Star. All-Star. All right. Let me see. That song is about... Someone is confessing that they feel less than adequate. They have been...

They've been insulted by strangers. Well, they're in Smash-mouth. Shots fired. Here in their home... Really? Smashmouth, Chicago Band? I don't think so. I don't think so. I'm out here, if that's

the beef I'm going to make, I'm out here calling out Jeff Tweedy, come down here and fight me. Over Smash Mouth? Yeah, because he's Because he likes a Chicago band. No, that's a Chicago band. Got it. All right, all right. So that song is about

a guy, he's being insulted, he feels like a loser, the shape of the yell, so forth. But then either, then he starts talking to the listener saying, you're not a loser. I thought this was about him at first, but now he's talking to me? Okay, I've got a new pitch. Why don't we try and figure out songs? What if the thing we do is just try and figure out what songs are about that? Maybe that's what I should be doing instead of trying to do the song parodies.

The parodies are not working out. What is the song about? Alamony Tony's YouTube channel should be, you tell him a song. he tries to remember what it's about. I like it. I like to break it down. Okay, Alanis Morris said, isn't it ironic? All right. So, this person is saying, you want one thing to happen,

but a different thing happens instead. You need this type of implement, but then somebody else says, no, all we have is this type of implement, not the one you need. And then she's asking the listener, don't you think this is ironic that this is happening to me?

but she's also saying it's you. It's when you want this and you don't have it. And that's the entire song. She's saying it's ironic when you want these things. But then who is she in this story of the song? Who is she? God? She did play God in a film.

Dogma. So perhaps with Chicago's own Kevin Smith. But. Chicago's favorite son, Kevin Smith. Chicago's own Salma Hayek was in that film. And then... No, no. Salma Hayek is from Naperville. Very close.

That's right. Very close. She grew up next one of Bob Odenkirk. Are you an Odinkirk stand? How do you know that? I know a lot about Naperville. I'm more than Naperville stand. Oh, okay.

It just sounded like an enchanting place. I wanted to know more about it. It was where the part of the body called the nape of the neck was first named. Really? Yes. The nape Erville. Yes. It was named after the man who coined the term.

He was known as the naper. The naper? Yes. That doesn't sound positive. Watch out, don't go out after dark, or the naper will get you. Well, I mean, what do you say it like that? He just comes and kisses right here. You could say that about any day.

Watch out, don't go out to dark. Santa Claus is out there. By the way, I don't disagree with that. I've met that guy and he's a fucking asshole. Is he really? Yeah, man. Started a fight with me. He's like tried to start a fight with me. Super agro. What did you guys do? He married a friend

of mine. What did you guys do? Called him a piece of shit. Well, two sides. Both sides. So, sides. So, ironic, solved. Okay, what else? Oh, sorry. Yeah. Do you have a song you

went to you? Yeah. How about speaking of Alanis Morissette, her biggest hit, you ought to know. Sure. Let's stay with Alainz Morissette. Let's do, you know what? Let's go through all of jagged little pill. Yeah, sure. Absolutely. You ought to know. This is someone

who's telling another person, I don't like you. Here's the reasons why, but you should know already. It includes some very delicate acts happening in a public place.

Perhaps it's directed at Mr. Dave Cooleyer. That is everybody's understanding. That is the ruba. That is the ruba. He's also the man in Carly Simon. You're so vain. And all of Taylor Swift's record. Any time you're a rumor

about a song. It's Dave Cooleyer. Every, every, like the two guys that have been with the most prolific women are Dave Cooleyer and Adam Duritz from Counting Crows. The most prolific women? No, that said it wrong.

You know what I mean? They have had incredibly, I feel like been with everybody, those two guys. I'm just kidding because I'm making fun. It doesn't matter. It's fun to joke around. So what that song is about,

it's about someone who's saying, I think you are made of garbage and you ought to know that as well. And I think she's implying, you actually do know that. You don't need to me to say it, but I'm having fun saying it. why not? And you know what? I'm going to say it in song.

I'm going to say it. It's all. I think most songs would be better if they started out with something like this, and then I'm going to say it in song. A little preamble. Yeah. I mean, that happens. A lot of times you'll see live performers, and they like to give a little story

before they go into the song. Sure. And I think that could easily be on the record as well. Wide up. Like just a talk-up from the artist? Exactly. Records should be three to four hours long. It was just a very long talk-up introduction to each song. This is what I think.

And maybe I'll start financing that. I have to spend my money somehow. You know, I feel like we sort of got away from the fact that you're engaged. Oh, that's right. That's right. Congrats. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Yes, indeed, I am engaged to a lovely lady. Her name is Monica. Monica. Yes. and she is a dynamite lady and we've been out on a few dates and then things just moved very quickly we got engaged last night.

Last night, after just a few dates. Well, sometimes... Thank you very much. Sometimes when you know, you know. That's how I felt. That's how Monica feels. We're in love. We're getting married. And eventually, of course, getting divorced so I can figure out of that.

Now, here's the tricky thing about Alamoni-Toney. Yeah. I don't get married in order to pay alimony. I just happen to love that. When I get married, it is for love. And I think this is the time. It's going to last forever.

So you think this will be your last marriage. Yes, but... You're going to stay together forever. We will get divorced and I will pay it all over. So you're saying... Sorry, you just said you will get divorced. Yes, but... I think there's a chance that we could really make it work. How, can I ask you this?

And the answer... Jason, you can ask me anything. Thank you. The answer might be different. entirely, but how long do most of your marriages last? It lasts all different periods of time. I've had marriages that have lasted months. I've had marriages that have lasted years.

I've had marriages that have lasted weeks. One time of marriage lasted one hour. You just couldn't wait to pay that alimony? She died. She died? Yes. Wait. Oh, so you don't even pay her alimony?

No, she's the one that got away. Just black it out. We can go home. Can I ask, was there an accident on the honeymoon or at the ceremony? Well, I hope it wasn't on purpose. Was it trying to take a selfie? There's all these people who are dying on their honeymoons and stuff, trying to take selfies like in very, like, sketchy places.

We tried to say we're from scanty places and, uh... What happened was we got married, and, uh, this was my second marriage. Second marriage. Because you're already paying alimony. I've already paying alimony loving it.

You got that mooney going out. It just feels good. That's why I love the Billy Idol songs so much. I would think. Moni, mooney. Here he comes now. I love mony, Tony.

There you go. Monet Tony, Moni Tony, Monitone, Monty Tony, Monty Tony. Guys, we're having a great

time. So, you know, I was still learning how to be a married man. And I, you know, we've been married. The ceremony had just ended. And we were... Oh, boy. We're out, let's pretend that didn't happen.

They were at the reception. And we're about to cut the cake. And of course, the wedding band is saying, The bride cuts the cake. I don't know that one. You don't know about that? No. It might be a regional thing. Okay. Do you have a parody of it? No, that is a parody already.

It's what gave me the idea of the song parodies. Oh, really? Yes, it's a parody of the Farber of the Dell. In that moment, you're so distracted with your idea to do song parodies. What happened? If I may, those were your words. I never said I was so distracted. It seems that way.

I just said that I had an idea. So, you are getting married. You've gotten married, and they start to sing the bride cuts the cake. Do people know about this bride cuts the cake thing? Some people have heard of this. Yeah, yeah, I know what it is. They start singing the bride cuts the cake. You go into a fugue state.

No, this is... Because for you, time slows down. You're hearing an epiphany in real time. I feel like if you're saying what he said but in different words, and I've already established that it's not true. It's not. It's not.

My bad. Let me tell the story. Let me tell the story, if I may. You may. So we're about to cut the cake. The bride cuts the cake. Idea, for later. We both have our hands on this glistening gleaming knife.

Oh, boy. It's cutting through the cake. There's a layer of fruit filling in the cake. Not my idea, her idea, but, you know, you make compromises. As the knife is sliding down, I said, you know, her name was Barbara. I said, Barbara, I haven't been completely honest with you. I've been married once before. And she said, well, Tony, I haven't been completely honest with you either.

I've got a very rare disorder, that, and then she died. Whoa. She died right there. What was the cause of death? Was it the rare disorder? There was an autopsy. I remember the doctor saying to me, would you like to know how your wife died?

And I said, I must never know, doctor. Wow. That was her secret. Interesting. And I let it be her secret. To the grave. That's very respectful.

Well, I'm a respectful guy. That's pretty cool. Yes. But you obviously. you obviously wish you could have paid her alimony. Do you ever leave money on her grave? Every month? I write and send a check to her grave

every month. Is it made out to cash? No, it's made out to Barbara. Oh, sorry. But of course, nature takes those checks. I have no idea what becomes of them once I've sent them. Perhaps little birds pick them up.

Perhaps, maybe a raccoon. They probably just... They probably just blow away. The caretaker probably finds them and cashes them. Yeah. Well, if that caretaker's name was Barbara. I mean, have you noticed, do those checks come back to you, having been cashed? No, those checks have never come back, and I've never seen the amount of money disappear from my bank account.

Okay. Because you'd have to be a groundskeeper whose name was Barbara, and then she took my last name. Got it. But that would be crazy if there was one. It would be. It would be. I don't think there's a lot of, I hope this isn't terribly sexist to say, I don't think there's a lot of female graveyard groundskeepers.

There could be, it's a new, it's a new era. It's a new era. And I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to enforce old narratives to say women can't be graveyard creeps. They certainly can. No, no, I think we are on this show saying, if you want to be a cemetery ghoul, you can be a man or a woman. It's a male-dominated field.

but that doesn't mean that it has to remain so. So I'd love to see, I hope there's a young girl hearing this right now. In some town, who knows where, saying, yes, this speaks to me. Yes. I want to be the person who works at the graveyard. At some point, when my gambling debts become too big, I can dig up graves and steal from them. Yes. Is that part of the job?

Why can't Birkenhair be women? What? What? Is that part of my job? No. You know, I don't have a job. No, I know. And remind everyone how you got your wealth.

My mother invented gaseous paper. It's what? It's gaseous paper. It was used in the NASA Space Program. Oh, nice. It's basically paper that disintegrates upon touch. Of course. It's the natural evolution of liquid paper.

Yep. You have three states of paper. Mm-hmm. You have solid, liquid, and gaseous. Sure, of course. I, listen, I went to school. So what is Barbara Sorry, Barbara

Sorry to bring her out Scott, why? One day I'll be paying you Alibody in heaven If there's a heaven I get to go there I hope I still have to pay Alibati to my ex-wives

Just Angel Bucks When are you I know it's all moving quickly And you've only just gotten engaged I'm just curious Hold on a second Angel Bucks It's a great name for Gash's paper.

Whoa. 50-50? No. Oh. It's too late. It's already been invented. He already owns Gase's paper. Yes.

Jimmy on guitar? We're talking about the Heaven Bad? Let's get into it. Obviously, Jimmy, lead guitar. Okay. Oh, John Bonham on drums. John Bonham on drums. Bono. Bono on drums.

You've got, uh, on the other guitar, Buddy Holly. on the other guitar, John Lennon. That's a lot of guitars. John Lennon on guitar? That's a fuck you to George Harrison right there. You don't let me finish. On the other guitar, George Harrison.

The guitar back there, Kirk Cobain. Guitar section's pretty full. How about the horn section? The woodwinds. Oh, Miles Davis has got to be in that horn. Miles Davis, Louis Armstrong. Coltrane. This is a real,

rock and roll band. Bix Biterbeck on clarinet. Real name, real musician. Better good, but all the other clarinet. Vibraphones? Got to get Lionel Hampton. Who?

Milk Jackson on vibes. That's right. Lytton on the other vibes. Lionel Hampton on the other vibes. Of course, the last unicorn that couldn't make it onto Noah's Ark. He's just blowing that horn, baby. He's blowing that all.

Just blow it. on that horn. And then... Jeffrey Dahmer on the triangle. Charles Manson on acoustic guitar and lead vocals. He's still alive, but he's still in heaven.

Did he... Is he still alive? He's dead. Is he dead? I think he's passed. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to be the bearer of terrible news. Sorry, buddy. Musician Charles Manson has died. Can you do a parody of tears in heaven, please? Oh, yeah.

Okay, tears in heaven. What is that about? That is about someone who has died and the person on earth saying, if I get to heaven, are you going to recognize me? It is pretty selfish. It's a little, I mean, it's certainly, it's not very, you know, a generous interpretation of the other person saying, oh, you're going to big tie me in heaven?

Gonna give me the high hat? Oh, I hate the high hat. Oh, I know that about you, Alamone, Tony. So, okay, so that's what. what the song is about. So in this version, what will we be talking about before? Just doing a parody.

Just any parody of it at all. I thought we had a sort of end to the parody. Did we not? No, we had no. Okay, good to know. Although, isn't it about Charles Manson? Charles Mason, thank you very much. Who died in 2017? Thank you very much. So Charles Manson,

just two years ago. So young. So young. We lost them so soon. He was just married, too. That's right. Just like you. He didn't even get a chance to pay alimony. So Charles Vast...

Just sends her a pack of cigarettes a month. So Charles Bavis said he goes to heaven. And... So heaven is still going to be in this song. That's not one of the words that you're going to pair. And Charles Manson gets in. All right. Oh.

I think I have a... I think I have an idea. This is Alamony Tony with his parody. No, this is actually Weirdamony. Weirdomony Alamonit Tony. Thank you.

That's my Numb to parody. Because he's performing. I'm performing now, so I prefer to be called Weirdomone, Alamonit Tony. Try to poke my penis. Would you poke my penis?

If I saw you in Hades, he goes, to hell. Wow. Huge reveal. I rode in blood. Will you be my bud? Because I know that I'm going to Hades.

Beautiful. It's serviceable. It's serviceable. By the way, for something you just came up with, that is very good. Well, thank you very much. If I had time to write it down. If I had time to run it down, I think it would be a lot better. Well, we've recorded it

I get out the... Oh, no, tell me you're going to cut this part out. Please, that's not ready for people to hear. I want to get together with my phoaurus, my rhyming dictionary? If that's the case, then I would like the first like 10 minutes of my stuff cut out as well. Good call.

I'll cut out my first five, too. Yeah, excellent call. What does... Let's cut this out. Yeah, let's cut all this out. What does Monica do for a living? She works at the counter. Just the...

She works at the counter with the money exchange booth of the airport. Really? Which airport? The one near me. And would you believe it? When I saw her picture on the app, I said, well, I've seen that gal of the airport. I've changed my money. I love changing money, too.

Not a bunch of little paying alimony, but a lot of times what I'll do is I'll change my money into a foreign currency, change it back to send his alimony. Now, my ex-wives, they don't know. Do you ever pay the alimony in foreign currencies? Well, no, because that creates a hassle for them. And that's not what it's about. But they don't know they've had foreign money. It used to be. They don't know that it was changed over.

That's a little thrill for me. Have you ever married someone who was not American, someone from another country? Do you have to pay alimony to anybody in their native currency? The deal is the deal. And I pay alimony in American currency only. Got it. Fair enough. They know that going in.

They know that going in. So I feel like... Love it or leave it. You are transparent. American alimony. Love it and leave it. You're making Alamone great again, Tony.

I hope so. Ah. God. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Yeah, making Alamony great again. Maga. It works. That's not.

I don't want to get political. But if you were to, where do you lean? I like this Marianne Williamson, and I'll tell you why. Because she's talking about love healing the world. And let's try it.

We've done everything else. All these other people are saying, policy, policy, policy. And then Mary Ann Williamson is saying, what if we all just said, yes. And that seems easier. I mean, look, it's easy for me to be... It depends on how you apply that love to the world. Exactly. I mean, it's easy for me to dip my toe in politics and yack it right back out again

because I am very wealthy. I'm north of a trillion dollars. So it's never going to... No matter what happens, it's never going to touch me, do you see? NASA's always going to eat. What is your, do you have a, like a bugout plan? Do you have like a place you're going to go to if shit goes down? Are you one of these trillionaires that has, you know,

that has a private island somewhere or a ranch in New Zealand to protect you against whatever is the downfall of the economic system? Yes, all of those things, yes. If things really start to go south, I'll just probably go in the tunnels. meet up with the gang there. Like the Holland Tunnels? What do I? We don't know about these tunnels. Oh, the network of tunnels under the earth for rich people. Oh, no. Wait, is this

the thing Elon Musk is building to help everybody commute faster? I think it's the thing he thinks he's building, but it's been built. It's been a place for hundreds of years, and it's a place where the world's wealthiest people are all going to meet up. Where are the access points to this? Well, now, Scott. You know I can't tell you

that. But if you could describe one In a song. Parity. All right. All right. In a parody of a song called... Like a some Tunnel of Love by Bruce Bingstein.

Sure. We all know how that song goes from start to finish. Would you, Jason, refresh my memory, just sing a little bit of tunnel of love? I couldn't even if I tried. Well, there goes that idea. We can throw it. What about a song like Hotel California? Sure. Now that's a song.

Let's see what that's about. That's about a hotel that people kek it out of. a beast. You can stab it as much as you want, but you might as well not bother. For some reason, you can check out, but then you have to just wait in the lobby for a while. And, yeah, that's pretty much it. Okay. I was about to say it on a dark desert highway, because that's one of the access points. What? Well.

Oh, boy, you've revealed so much. I've already given away too much. How about, like, on a daylit suburban highway? I like that. Pretend I didn't say that on the pond. On a daylit suburban freeway. The world is about to end. I went underground with several my trillionaire friends. We were all pretty worried that the earth would collapse.

But we all had a very good time sitting on each other's laps. I had a bag of money that I ate from every while I saw Warren Buffett in the corner giving me a rise smile I said hey Warren do you think we're almost there he said I don't know man do you even care welcome to the secret trillionaire base It's at the center of the earth.

Don't pretend you didn't hear that. It's at the center of the earth. It's at the center of the earth. Living it up at the secret billionaire base. What a nice surprise. What a nice surprise. Look at that lady's thighs. It gets a little racy.

Wait, what lady? I like where this next verse is headed. Who's down there? Oh, there's ladies down there as well. We have to repopulate the trillion out population. That's great for you because that means when you've, get down there, there might be someone you can marry and then play... It's wishful thinking on

my part. So in that lyric, I'm picturing a lady with either very thick thighs or very thin thighs that are around some massive bones. Jeff Bezos' his wife, ex-wife, might be down there. He's going for your record, by the way.

Well, he's welcome to try, but I don't think he likes paying the alimony as the thing. I would imagine he's not going to get married as many times as I have. I'm closing it on eight. Right. Yeah. Monica. Monica coming up soon.

Yes, that's right. Do you think we'll be invited? I don't see why not. Would you like, would you fellows like to come to the wedding? Sure. I mean all of us. What's that? I mean everybody here.

I don't see why not. Yeah. I can certainly afford it. Does everybody like a vodka luge? Does everybody like a cigar roll? station? Does everybody like custom gobos with the bride and groups initials?

Does everybody like tons and tons of Swarovsky crystals? Faberjeet eggs? There will be a big Faberjeet egg fan of the crowd tonight. This guy loves Faberge He loves them. Now of course, you know you can tell if it's a true Fabergeet air.

How's that? You have to crack it open and see if there's a Faberjeet yolk inside. Oh, yeah. If there isn't one, you've been ripped off. When's the ceremony happening? It's love to be there. It is tomorrow afternoon. Really?

Wow. And when do you think you'll be divorced? Well, now, as I said before, sometimes it can be... This time, I think we really have a shot at making it forever, but probably within a year. Do you have that... Love and feeling? Never lost it. Yes. Do you have that loving feeling, that excitement

knowing that soon... you will have a wife that you can very soon pay alimony to. Jason, I'll tell you something. That new alimony. I have, in my heart, the deepest love for Monica. I get it. And my desire is that we remain married until the day we both. Until the day that God and his wisdom separates us by death.

Oh. But I also know me. I know who I am. And I know there's no way around it. Tony's got an alabody, you know what I'm saying? That's why they call him Alamony Tony, everyone. Alamonio Tony, Tony. Alamony Tony.

Oh, I don't like that. Oh, sorry. You know, I am Italian. Of course I know you're Italian. You never asked me by my last name. What is your last name? Same. You worked right up to it earlier, but then didn't say it. I wasn't sure if that was you being private because you're so wealthy. Well, everyone, look, I'm on a podcast. Everyone knows Alamoni Tony Tony now.

It's Jok Yerone. What is it now? Jok Yerone. Jack Yerone. Jok Yerone. Alamoni Tony, Jokioroni. G-I-A-C-H. I. E-R-O-N-I. Okay.

Jack Yerone. What part of... Al-M-O-M-O-N-O-O-N-E-R-O-E. What part of Italy is that for? You know, that country looks like a boot. Oh, it does, doesn't it? That's fun. Fun, Italy, trivia.

It's easier to remember. All countries should be shaped like objects. Yes. They would be so much easier to remember if France looked like a bottle of wine. Yes. I mean, the U.S. is famous for his boots? Exactly. Yes.

US looks like a guy standing to the side with like a huge erection this way. A huge, wait, is Maine? The erection? And then Florida. Florida's the balls? Yeah, sort of. Oh. San Diego's the butthole.

I think there's no denying that. We have fun. We have fun. We have fun. We're teasing San Diego. Chicago's the kidney. Don't cheer for that. Yeah, congrats. He just called you the kidney. And just because he put Chicago in front of it, you were like,

woo-woo. Can I ask why people are coming and going so much, like a little ant colony at here? I think it's because there is, I believe the bar remains open during the show. Oh, I see. Let's get fucked up. Chicago.

Everybody in Chicago loves drinking and meat. Meat and drinking. These motherfuckers are monsters. Wait, what is that song about? What's that? What do you think that song is about? Let me break it down. Let me break down that song for you.

I'm going to say it's about a city in the Middle West of America, and people have certain proclivities, eating, drinking wise. Some of them like beer, some of the like beer, something like meat, and then if you get enough of them together in one room, you can say, oh, the entire city, they like beer and meat. By the way, you're right. I did it.

Alamani Tone, never fails. Never fails. In describing what a song is about. Oh, okay. Nothing? Do we, I don't know, the etiquette? Well, he stood up. I thought maybe that was the etiquette. Do you need me to do something, or are you doing something?

I was purely standing up because I'm about to, introduce our next guest. Hey, buddy, you got this. Thanks. It's going to be good. You got this. You got this. You're doing a great job. You're a wonderful. You're a wonderful boy. What you said backstage isn't even happening. All right, we do have to get to our next guest. She is an entrepreneur. She runs her own business. Carpets and rugs down there. Please welcome Big Sue. Hello, Sue. Hi. Is this my water? That's your water, yes. Okay, good. I got confused.

Wow. Wow, Big Sue! Wow, I made it. You made it. What? He's looking at me funny. No, I'm just delighted to see you. I'm just delighted to see you like a delightful person.

I'm a delightful person. Most people would say, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night, sky. You didn't sleep last night? I didn't get a wink a sleep last night. What's going on? Big Sue? Insovia? I have insomnia. My hotel has too many beds.

How many? It has two. I'm getting up every hour and switching and rolling under them. Are you trying to figure out which is the better of the two? I want to make them both feel equal. Oh, it's for them. Big soup. Big soup, they ask. Are you starting

on what bed? Are you starting on one bed? They start with a wet bed. Are you starting on one bed? We need to move as close as possible. We don't have to be like right here. I start with a wet bed. Do these do anything? You start with a wet bed. I start with a wet bed.

You start with a wet bed. So then, of course, you want to roll off on that bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you roll onto the floor. Do you roll under and then all the way to the other side of the far bed? Yeah. And then get up on that bed. I roll up the wall.

So you're doing... Over the side. I'm picturing you doing like a figure eight. It's exactly that, infinity. Yes. Forever and ever and ever until I wake up. But you do... So you are...

Until you wake up. So you are asleep during all of this. I'm asleep, but it's not... REM. It doesn't sound restful. It's not R-E-M. No, it's you too. Are you talking you too? I am.

I think I did. Me? I think I did. What is keeping you up? I mean, other than the bad situation. I'm very stressed because I'm in a new relationship, but I'm worried that he might not be who he says he is. Oh, wow. Have you met him in person or is this

an online relationship? It's online so far. It hasn't crossed the threshold It's exciting. It hasn't crossed the IRL threshold. Is it, has it been going on? Is it relatively recent? It's been going on for eight years.

Okay. You said relatively new, I thought. That's new to me. I'm 100. Whoa, huge reveal. I exaggerate. Huge reveal. She's exaggerating.

Obviously, you're a woman. I'm a woman of youth. I'm a woman of youth. You, uh, before we get to your new release. relationship just to let everyone know who Big Sue is. You're an entrepreneur. You have a store, an Emporium that sells carpets. Carpets rugs down there. It's got sopping wet carpets. They're all sopping wet because the toilets overflowed. You've not been able to fix those. I haven't gotten them fixed because I keep shitting, Scott. It seems to me if you were to take the step of... So you keep using the

toilets. I use them. What? If you were to take the step of fixing it before, like in between Why would I? Where am I going to go in between? Oh, she's got you there, Scott. I live in the store, Scott. Yeah, but you're not continuously shitting all day long? I'm not. He thinks he knows me. What if you got like a porta...

That's a big presumption. What if you got a porta potty for the period of time that the toilet is being fixed? You want me to shit outside. You're an animal. I also have an invention I've been making out of my shit wet rocks. An invention? So the toilets are overflowing with shit, so the rugs are soaked in shit, not the water from the toilet, but the shit from your butt that's been in the toilet. The water gets in there.

I would assume the water as well. Thank you. Who's he? I'm an alimony Tony. You're very supportive. Well, I'm not performing right. I'm alabori Tony. Jack Yorone.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm so okay. What's your invention? Well, my invention is this. So you know when you're shitting and your body is. an L. Your what? Your body is an L.

Why would you put your feet out? This is more... Your body is an L. That's the... You're on the toilet. I'm usually like a lowercase H. I'm like a 5. So we're all different.

We're all... We're leading forward? What do you do? Let me think about it. I'm a 5. That's how I shit. I'm an L. I'm like this. He does the pressure.

So rich. That's how a rich guy shit. He has time to kill. I have an extremely comfortable toilet. And pennies fall out of your ass. Wow. You're rich. I love a rich man. I'm wealthy, yes. Wow, it's nice. I do okay. Okay.

But you, Sue, you're in an L. I'm in an L. I'm like this, but I always want to be like this. So I'm making, I'm cutting all the carpets up to make a big stack around the toilet for you to put your legs on. You should just get a squatty potty.

What? A squatty potty does exactly that. It's a thing that raises your feet up like this while you're on the toilet to make your elimination cleaner. Does it put your feet up to your ears? It can, yeah. What? I got, I got, we'll fuck my invention then.

Plus, squatty potties are normally clean and don't have shit all over them. And that's where my invention takes the left turn. Good business model. Thank you. No, I meant the, well, Oh, them? Do you sell a lot of rugs?

That's the biggest issue. We're having a liquidation sale right now. It's pretty liquid already. They're not on sale, right? Everything must go. Please, God. Take the rugs. Take them.

They're shag. They're wet. They're soggy. They weigh ten times more than you want them to. Isn't that what they're proposing be replaced on the Statue of Liberty? Please take our rugs. They're wet, they're shagged.

I thought you are picturing, coating her in a rug. Yeah, because we've got to dress her up more. She's so drab. Big Sue, may ask a question? The rugs, how are they displayed at your store if they're all tainted in this way? Are they just all laid out in the store? On top of one another?

Like the princess in the pee kind of situation? Have you been to a rug store? Yes. Okay. Out of curiosity, what was it like there? Normally, I walk in. Do you want to act it out? Yeah, yeah.

May I play the rugstore proprietor? Certainly. So you're me? Well, this is a different rugstore. This is a different rugstore. This is what I think a rugstore is like, because I have a bit of it. You can have a competing business next door. I've only ever had a rugstore.

This is the door to the rugstore, right? Typical door. Jason, who are you going to be at this? I'm just letting you guys do this. Would you like to be an extra, be like another customer browsing around? I'll be a utility player. ground artist. Can I be an extra? Well, certainly. Okay. I'm in here already.

Yes. Okay. I'm a customer. I work for you. You're a dealer's choice. You're a customer. Thank you. I'm here behind the, I'm here behind the carpet counter. Okay. Oh, another day facing this dreary existence, working for a living. Do you have this in blue?

Hey, pal, what can I help you? You're looking for something? I don't, I don't have any money. Hi, can I, hey friend, can I help you with you? I'm fine. Excuse me. I've told you a hundred times. I've told you a hundred times you're not supposed to be in here. Here, watch out.

This guy's no good. What? I'm an honest merchant. You're no good? No, I am. Don't believe him. I don't know. Don't believe the dink ding.

Do I leave? No, no, no, no. Please stay. I might leave. No, please stay. That's just the ding-ting man. I heard that he... He said you're a bad guy.

No, no, no. He's a bad guy. He tortures children. Okay. Don't go out at night because the Dinkdink Man is out there. You just interrupted something terrifying. What? I can't go out at night.

It's a legend around town. There's a spirit called the Dink Tink Man. Do you guys hear that? Shut up. He steals children from their beds and he tickles their feet with a feather. This is terrifying. It's not true. It can't be true.

What does he do to adults? He mostly just says, don't, don't worry. worry about what I'm doing. Okay. So the Dolce says I don't worry about it, so I really wouldn't have to worry. But that's a local vagrant. We call him the Dig-Tig Man because he looks so scary. Oh, no.

Okay, well, do you have this one in blue? Yes. Okay, I want that. I'm interested. All right. Why are you kicking water? I don't know his store is very messy. I'll have that sent to your home.

Well, where do I live? Well, you've got me there. So you were just going to send it to my home, but you weren't going to ask for you? any of my details. I guess I thought we'd have more of a conversation, but things moved, they escalated very quickly. Do you want me to tell you

where I live? Yes, please, please. Excuse me. You seem very busy. Should I come back, sir? No, no, please. I'd love to sell you a cop, but I have to work all day. Now, where I live is very hard to find. Okay. It's in an alley between two

alleys. So not a traditional home? Not exactly. It looks traditional. It's got a roof, two windows, a door, but it's very small for a mouse. Now, I am a lady with magical powers.

I zap down and become small and walk in. In there, I do whatever you can do. Are you guys seeing this? In your home. That's just the Dink Dink, Dink Man. That's the Dik Dik Dik Man. We call them the Dik Dik Dik Man. The Dik Dik Man's not real.

I'm going to make a delivery to my house if I can't tell me. where I live. Ding, ding, ding! Of course, I get very tiny. Of course. And I walk in and I take baths, sleep, nap. Right.

The things you do in all. Make dinner. Yes. Order food from postmates. When you order food, what kind of food do you order? I order Chinese or maybe even Chipotle. Mm.

But sometimes, I order a pizza. Oh, pizza? Yeah. What kind of pizza would you order? Are you ordering it for me? I could, if you'd like. You want to get on the horn?

I could send the pizza and the carpet but at the same time. Okay, great. I want a round pie, a little bit of sauce, some cheese, maybe a pepperoni, maybe some sausage.

Hey, Tony, I got all those rugs organized in the back. I'm not about to go to lunch. You needed me to do anything? Thanks, Carl. You're a good employee of my business that I have.

Okay. I'm going to go on my lunch break. Couldn't he help me? I've been sitting here. Excuse me. Dink, think, think. You've been ranting about the Dinkink-Dink man. He's right.

behind you. Carl, that's absurd. What do you want? What do you want? What? What is it? I'm trying to run a business here. I'm trying to make a sale. You're making a sale? By buying. It takes two people to make a sale. One person to sell, one person to buy. What do you want? You walked in here like you own the place.

Who do you think? I've never come out from behind this counter before. Do you think you are, sir? I do. Look. You're taking a video of this? Are you taking a video on this? You better not be taking a video of this. Wow. Who are you, the bagel boss?

Listen, you're not my father, you're not God, and you're not a customer. Well, what do you want me to do to you? I hope you'll rush at me and fight me. Whoa! And scene. Seen. All right.

That's, that's, that's, that Chicago is how a rug store works. So what did it look like? So it had the rugs hanging from the ceiling. Yes, I've seen that. Oh, mine's not like that. Okay. The rugs are on the ground in piles. I imagine to give the person shopping a sense of what the rug would look like.

Yeah, what it would look like under 20 other rugs. Big Sue? I don't know if this is worth it or not, but could we try perhaps bringing to life what it's like to shop in your rug store? You could try. I could, yeah, certainly. Yeah, you want to be the customer. You also have a ding-dink man, right? Of course. Of course. You want to be a

back, your background. Oh, I'll be a background, yes. Oh, you want to be the ding-dick man? I thought I could take a shot at the dig-dick man. Okay, great. Your background. Great. I'd love to be buying, I'd love to be buying a rug. Okay, so your background, your customer, and everybody begins now. Shit, the toilet's overflowing! Oh my God!

God damn it! Oh, my sis! What is this place? I can't control it. What do you want? I need something that's 18 by 12 and something that has a medium pile. Okay, okay, okay. Do you know the Dick Dick, Dick, Man, the Dick, Dick, the Dick, Man.

Hey, Dik, Dik, come here. You can see me? Hey, are you guys seeing this? You know what? I'm going to lock the door. Yeah, nobody was out there. I thought I was inside already. Dek-Dee.

What's up, Big Sue? How are you? I'm pretty good. How's your kids? Tickled. Classic ding-ting, man. Always tickling those kids. Don't you touch me?

Okay. He gets mad. I have a little treat for your kids. Oh. Who's knocking on the window? Stop them. Okay. Here you go with some feathers for your kids' feet.

It doesn't matter. This is the best for the Dik-Tickman. Oh, yeah. Dicting Man loves a feather to tickle those kids. Exactly. I can't help but notice. There's a rising tide of fecal matter that is trying to... This is a problem.

Do you know anyone who could help me? I also have so many open wounds on my ankles and feet. Yeah, why is that? I'm nervous that I'm going to get a bacterial infection. Why are your feet so cut up? Dik-DIC. That was... Dink Dink

Who's out there? Who was that? Some guy who looks just like me. Let him in. Are you sure? Yeah. You know what, Ding, think. If you get him in here, you can escape.

I could be free out of the world. You can be free as long as there's someone that looks just like you in here. I could tickle children's feet in other countries. The door opens both ways. Welcome. The Dik-Tick Man welcomes you. The door opens both ways. The door opens both ways.

The door opens both ways. All right, I'm good. Thanks. He got away. You know what? He'll have hell to pay later when he goes home and his wife finds out he didn't buy a rug. Who are you? I don't know. Scene.

Beautiful. Scene. That was exactly how it goes. That's typical day. That's a typical day. Word for word every day. I say that exact script. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow is right. Wow is extremely right. So eight years you've been in this relationship. Yes. Eight years. Who's the lucky fella? That's what I don't know.

What? Because you only know his screen name? I only know. I thought I knew him so well, Scott. I thought we were going to get married, okay? This man, he has whiskers. Okay, weird place to start. He has eyes. There we go. solid ground. I'm already, I'm already suspecting this is a cat.

He has a tail. Okay. Okay, yeah. I'm really seeing this going towards... He's in water all day long. Okay. So are you. You have common interest. He's got a big gaping mouth. This is... A BGM?

He's got a BGM. Oh, yeah. Scott, you like a BGM, right? Tell us. Sue, you're describing a literal catfish. Well, that's what I thought. Oh. Until I did a little digger-deeping. A little digger-deeping.

A little dig-deeping. Oh, yeah. A little dig-deeping. A little dig-deeping. Also known as dig-deeping. Yes. I did a deep dive on the Internet. And I was very disturbed that his identity was different than what he had proposed.

So you thought it was. a catfish. I thought I was going to fuck a catfish. But he's a human man. He was pretending to be a catfish. Yes, he has a six-pack. He's a model. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yuck! So I'm devastated. I've sent this man a hundred million grand.

I'm absolutely bankrupt and indebted. A hundred million grand? The chocolate buy? Yes. I sent him a hundred million grand. That's a trillion dollars, I think. I think so, too. Now you're talking My neighborhood How much money do you got?

A little north of a trillion dollars Really? Yes And you're single? I'm afraid I'm engaged Love it any Monica Wow And you think it's gonna last

I'm thinking this time It's gonna be forever But I do have a propensity To get divorced in Palaurae I like the way this sounds And you Were you using your own name online or were you using an alias? I have to confess I was using an alias as well.

And what was your alias? Hot bitch two. A bitch one was already taken. Hot bitch one was taken. Hot bitch zero was taken. Hot bitch was taken. You don't want to go with the real hot bitch? I didn't think of that. Or the official hot bitch.

Okay, you guys should have been there on the day I was brainstorming. The hot bitch, the movie. Stop. So much. I thought that you were going to say you were using the alias of Monica and that there was... Why did you tell me that? I was purely asking for the truth. Well, now Monica and I have met, of course.

You have met. He's in love with her. They went on dates. They've seen each other, okay? Yeah. Any man that goes out with me eventually leaves. I was married to Santa Claus. Very briefly.

I just heard terrible things about him. Trust. They're all true. He put me in a stocking and hung me in. up. But that was my choice. That sounds like something you'd be into. I liked it, I liked it. Good height.

Because you'd also been getting nothing but coal. Yeah, I'd been getting nothing but coal. But now when I get in the stocking, I get all the good stuff. Oranges. Oranges. What is it, 1904? Tube socks. Tube socks.

Tube socks, 1970. Why do you point at me? You say 1970. You're 70. You're not? Well, Sue, I feel bad that you're engaged to a model. I know, I'm so upset. I was doing

everything for I'm trying to change myself and fit into his mold. I even quit smoking. You quit smoking. I did. I quit smoking. Congratulations. I quit vaping. All I do is eat cigarette ash. They say it's good for you because they don't know what it's not. Who? Who is they?

The kids. It's not as bad for you as smoking. It's not as bad as vaping. I'm not inhaling it. I'm eating it. I put milk in it every morning. Big Zoo? What? When you confronted the scoundrel, what did he have to say for himself?

Well, that was the worst part. He couldn't hear me. He couldn't hear you. Why? He was working at the airport. He works under the plane with a big thing on his head. And I was screaming from inside. Inside a plane?

Yes. from above. That's how you realized that this was the man? Yes, because I had his find my phone on. So this gorgeous model man, he's one of those airport guys who wears our headphones, and you said, I'm going to confront him. You marched right up to that airplane window, that airport window, and you banged on it, and you said, you gave him a piece of your mind.

But he couldn't hear me. You know, I would actually really love to see if this could be reenacted, actually, if that's possible. I always love to relive my past. What if this time Scott plays the dink-dink man? He was there. I'd love to audition for this part of the dink man. And now who are you? I'll be...

I'm the guy that works at the Hudson News. Okay, and who are you? You're my boyfriend. Okay, then I'm the boyfriend on the outside of the plane. Yes. Right? And I'm inside the airport right now. But you're outside the plane, okay?

You're in the airport. I'm in the airport. This is the Hudson News. Let's say this is the edge of the airport right here. And in this scene, let's do it that the... Ding-Dink Man is dead. And so he doesn't feature in this one. I like that.

How do we justify him as a character? Are we starting in the middle of the scene? Always start in the middle. Do we know he's dead? We can speak to his death if we're right. Should I stay on stage? Can you be dead? All right.

Be dead? Yeah. So I'm the, let's start. I'm the Hudson Newsman. Extra, extra. Hudson. Hudson. Pepsi. Is this true that the Dig-Dig man died? Yes, I'm afraid it is, customer. And this magazine costs $9?

That's the worst news. How much is a water? Oh, water? No problem. $11. No way. That's Hudson News for you. I feel like I'm in a stand-up comedy act. How much is the M&Ms?

individually or in a bag? I want one. A Lucy? A Lucy. That's going to cost you $1. That's still a lot. Now I'm telling you, I have a big date right now. I'm here to meet my boyfriend of eight years.

Well, I haven't seen you around here at the Hudson News before. Are you local? I'm not local. I flew in. I was following his find my iPhone, and I tracked him down to this location. We were supposed to meet in another vacation area, but he didn't show. And what does he do for a living? He, you know what, actually, I'm not even sure anymore.

A mystery man. I thought I knew what he did. I thought he was a swimmer professionally. And now I might be sorely disappointed. Well, I'm very sorry to hear that. Do you want to help me? I actually am tracking him. He's right outside there.

I'm afraid to go look. Well, I don't know if I should leave the store unattended. You sure there's nobody here. Okay, good point. Let me get out from behind the counter. Come with me. Do you miss the ding-dink man? Yeah, you know, the way he died, it was so sudden.

Yes. And I feel bad for all the children who will never get their feet tickle. I agree. Well, here we are at the end of the airport. Hudson. Hudson. What's that guy doing? He's very angry.

He's screaming at a plane. Hey! Are you the guy? I don't know if he can hear you. The guy. The glass is very thick. He's got those headphones on. Me, who I am.

The guy, you. She's asking if you're the guy. Are you the guy? My guy. Are you her guy? Are you the guy? Did you hear about the dink, dink, dink man? He passed away.

The dink, dick, dick man died. Does that mean anything to you? Dink, dink, dink man. Dink, died. Dink, Dink, man, died. X is for eyes. Yes. All right, you've got his attention.

Okay, now. Now, pull your heart. heart out. Are you the guy? Are you the guy? Are you my catfish? My catfish. Does she look familiar? Me, who I am. Did you pretend to be a catfish?

He can't hear me. Hudson. What are we going to do? I have to give up. I do too. He doesn't even love me. And that's that. I'm sorry. Would you care for some free charges.

Yes, you know what we could do with them? What? Plug them into the Dink Man and bring him back to life. That's a terrific idea. Now... Now, how much of these usually? Usually? Universal charges you could take to Europe and ship? Yes.

These would go for $700 a piece. You've got to change your rates. Maybe you're right. But for now, we've got to save the Dink Dink Man. Grab it. Now, where do we plug it in? Here, take a U.K. I've got an Australia.

I'll put it in his mouth. I'll put it in his ear hole. Right it is ear hole. I'll get into the wall. Wait two days. Oh, hey. It's happening. He's alive.

He's alive. Wait, that's as far as he goes. He's getting up. He was going to say something and that changed his mind. He's figuring out his new body. He can't find his legs, his land legs. Oh, he's getting close. He's getting close.

It's almost there. He's doing a... He's break dancing. Wait, that beat. Wow. What's happening? The ding-dig man is grooving like nobody's business. He's going to spin on his head.

He did it. He did it. Wow. Because this is thrill of... Kill him. We've got to kill him. He's coming for us. Oh, God.

No, ding-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-mend. man, we saved you. We saved you. We saved me. Helded my ear. I'm dead. And... Wow. Wow. Chicago's really getting it tonight. You really love Michael Jackson, don't you? You love him.

Wasn't anything like that, Big Sue? It was just like that. Oh, God, I'm having PTSD. I'm so sorry. Pizza S.D. Pizza S. Pizza Sucked. What? You're going to not a succinct.

A.K.A. Friday night. Friday night for a Big Sue. That's a Friday. Well, Big Sue, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. We need to get to our next guest if that's okay. Absolutely, absolutely. Hopefully you'll all stick around. Not me.

You have to go. I don't have to, but why should I stay here? Well, this is very exciting because this person is in law enforcement. Wow. She comes from... a mysterious island somewhere, please welcome Chief. A beautiful island of Chicago. I bid you all

greetings gum shoes. So great to see you. Great to see you too, Scott, here in a blazer. You're usually dressed so comfortable. It's a new facet to your personality immediately saying what someone is wearing. Yes.

Touch it. It feels good. You understand, Scott, I've spent a lot of time in Italy where fashion is king. Really? Yes. You know that Alamoni Tony, his ancestors are from Italy. It's true. My name is Alamoni Toli, Jaciarote. Oh, the Italy Jaceroni's.

That's correct. They allowed me to crash at their apartment. Is that so? Yes. This is six degrees to Kevin Bacon. They allowed me to stay at their apartment while I was on the search for that snizzling snizzled butt

Carmen San Diego. Oh. Wow. I see. Chief here, for those of you don't know, is on the hunt for Carmen San Diego with whom she has some sort of

obsession. Scott, how dare you? She is a criminal. I am there to catch her. Grab her by the waist. Hold her tight closely as I arrest her. Do a cavity search, if I may. If you may, you may.

Do you think she's going to allow that? She has to allow it. But I also have to allow her to allow it. Chief, if I may. You may. I'm not familiar with Carmen San Diego. What are her crimes? Oh, she has stolen some of the world's most important monument.

She's stolen the monument? Stolen it. How did she do it? her team of cronies. Oh. Does she saw them off the land or like break them into a million pieces? They just disappear for some reason. Wow.

Does she have powers or is she just a thief? She's just a thief. A fiefing thief. And then how long has she been getting away with this? For years. Oh, you're bad. Since the early 90s. You're bad at your job.

Since the early 90s? She has a team of cronies. Well, yeah, but don't you have a team? Yeah, you keep up. bringing up this team. Her team is 40 years of failure. This is on you, Chief. For a long time, my team

was just teenagers answering questions about geography. Yeah, that's a bad business model. But now they're all adults, and they won't return my emails. And I have that thing set on my emails, but I can see who's read them. It's not a brag.

And they all have. God, have you heard? I don't think you have that. Chief, what is some of the monuments that is still missing as a result of this compromise. I didn't go to the gateway to the west in St. Louis. The St. Louis

arch. The arch. So the arch. Gone. That's huge. Aren't there a big deal? Aren't there two of them? Two arches. One of them is gone. The important one. Maybe that's why we haven't noticed that it's gone.

The Eiffel Tower. Whoa. In Las Vegas. Oh, the Las Vegas one. Interesting. at the Paris Hotel and Casinto. Anything else? Anything here in this beloved city of Chicago? I'm glad you asked.

Are you? The I.O. West Impro Theater. Oh, no. In Wrigleyville. Wow. Has been decimated. What's in its place? I mean, what are they going to do?

The city, they still got the annoyance, I guess. The I.O, the original Improv Olympic, not West. That one's gone, too. Oh, no. Did she get all of the IOs? All of the Ios? All of the, IOS.

Oh, boy. We must save the IO. Save the IO, hashtag. Yes. Where's Sharna in all of this? I feel like she's one of the cronies. So what steps are you taking to do? You work for a private investigative unit?

Acme Industries. I've traveled far and wide. Name some of the places you've been to. I've been to the beautiful island of Fiji, where I spend a lot. where I spend a lot of time. How much time? Can I ask you a question? Please.

Who pays your salary? Who pays for all of your travel? Who finances all of your department? Who's paying for this? All of my money is crowdfunded. Crowdfunded. Okay, that's fine. As long as it's not taxpayer dollars, I'm okay with this.

No, it's not taxpayer dollars. I have not a federal agency. Okay. In fact, I shouldn't be doing the work that I'm doing. It's quite illegal. Well, now, Chief, you're saying that you're a criminal. Oh, God. Chief. Chief. Chief. Chief. Thief, Chief.

Thief Chief. Maybe Carmen San Diego's coming for you. I wish she would come for me. What are you going to do when you see her? Hang on a second. Hang on. You're attracted to her. You're attracted to this woman.

Never at a million years. Really? I am on the case, on the hunt for Carmen San Diego's body. So she's dead? Pardon? Is she dead? No. You said you're such of her body. She's quite alive.

Her body is warm like a glass of milk on Christmas night. Wait, a glass of what? A glass of milk on Christmas night. Because it's been left out for a set of. it's winter. Second of all, that milk is left out. I don't know what your traditions are in your household. You just heat up the milk. You heat up

a milk on a stove and have a nice crow nut. That's a croissant and a donut mixed together. I'm familiar with it. Copyright. Please don't sue us. So, why were you in Fiji? So you said I was in Fiji for a long

time and you looked at me like that was important. I had the most leads on the island of Fiji. You see, there were clues everywhere in the trees, in the ground, in snake's mouths. Are you a parcel tongue? A parcel tongue? Can you speak to snakes? Ah, yes, I can, but they cannot speak back to me.

Interesting. Well, wait, I feel like we need to see a little bit of that. Do you want to reenact the last time you saw a snake? Sure. Just throwing it out there that we might all be parcel tongues. Yeah. So who do you want us to be all snakes or what? Maybe this should be in your store?

All right, yes. This is my snake store. Okay. It's a snake store? I'll be a background snake. The last time I saw a snake it was in a store. But there was someone else there. A man.

A man, not you. Are you narrating or what's going on? Another man. Oh. Yes, the cleaning is correct. This man was sweeping snakes up. Now, in my store, the snakes are just all piled on top of each other on the floor. Like rugs?

Yes. I'm supervising. I am a snake, though. You are a snake, yes. But I'm the big one. Yes. Okay, I just want to make that clear. You're like the mascot of the store.

Yes. Greetings. Greetings. May I help you? I have a question. Yes. I'm looking for a soda. I'd like a bottle of Fago.

Oh, well, I'm afraid you might be in the wrong place because we're a snake store. We sell snakes here. Oh. Is this a snake here? It is. Is indeed. Are you interested in buying one? Pardon me, Snake. I'm looking for someone as slithery as you.

Her name is Carmen San Diego. She wears a long red coat, a wide red hat. She's got the supple breast the size of winter cantaloupes. And the same color, brownish. Mocha, if you will. Have you seen it? Where in the world is Carmen's and you go, right? That's on.

That's my theme song. Huh? What? What do you mean? The snake is proving futile. Anyway, I finished sweeping up the snake's Marty. Yeah, I think it's time for you to get out of the store. You're so strong on my shoulder.

I'm a woman. Come on. I'm a woman. Wait, a second. Out the door or through the window. Thank you, Bobby. I'm glad we hide the extra security at the snake store. It's the first person I've ever had to throw out.

Oh, wait, she's back. This crazy lunatic old lady. I won't rest. Go away. We're on his business. I won't rest. I'm calling the cops. Call them.

I'm one of them in a different type of way. Okay, pal. Please leave. I need to know how that man knew the theme song to my television show. That's just a song we sing around here. It's a song! Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Hello, 911.

Must have hung up. Anyway. That's my cell phone. You have to help me. We don't have to do anything. We have to sell snakes. That's right. They're calling back.

It says 911. Hello. Hi, did you just call us? Yeah, we have some crazy person. Who is that? What? boyfriend just showed up with a flower bouquet.

Shut up. I'm not kidding. Okay, what is this? This is real. Excuse me, we have an emergency here. Just tell the police to come down to Rockefeller Snake Store. Karen.

Can you come? Is this your boyfriend? Okay, I have an emergency too. Wait a second. I knew you'd come back. What did they say? They hung up on me. What did they say?

What is a joke? Are they? coming for me? No, yes, they are. Yes, they are. They're in trouble. Yeah, you're in trouble.

This is the Rockefeller snake store and you've got to get out of here. What if I bought a snake? You haven't sold a snake in ten years, boss. Open the door, Bobby. Let him come in. All right. But be on your best behavior.

I'm warning you. And only buy a snake. Look at that model. You don't have to walk fancy. You're stepping on so many snakes. I'm on my best behavior. Madam, madam, please. Just buy a snake and leave. Okay.

Which one do you want? We got a great one right here. You were talking to her earlier. This is our largest, oldest snake. I'd like a Bramini blind snake found on the island of Jamaica. Its species is quite dangerous, but very timid and afraid of people. Carmen San Diego once stole an entire exhibit of this snake. from the Jamaican Snake Museum. Let me see if we have any in the back. So where's like the best place to get a steak on Fiji?

You know, there's a Ruth's Chris. Too rich for my blood. If people found out I was treating myself to Ruth Chris dinners on crowdfunding money, I'd be something bad would happen to me. It's unimaginable. Unimaginable. Unthinkable.

Yeah. Hey, I was going to ask you something What? Why don't you just tell him I'm that kind of snake? I've been here for ten years. He wouldn't know, right? She wouldn't know, right? No, yeah, no. Yeah, no, yeah. No, okay? You promise?

I promise, look. Hey, boss. You've been with me, sister... Who are you talking to you? Where are you talking to you? I'm talking to my snake. Okay. Why did he act like that?

I don't know. Are you not really a snake? I am. Can other people see you? Yes. Why are you talking that way? Because. Hey, Karen, your boyfriend is here and he has a...

Oh my God, okay. He has... What? He has... Oh, my God. I've been pretending to be a spack. Guess what, baby? I won the lottery.

You never have to do that again. I ruined. I was doing... My once proud snake business now crumbles to dust. Ding, ding, ding. What? Ding, ding, ding. Oh, no.

The Dinkton Man is here. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Everyone, everyone stay completely still. Ding, ding, ding. Oh, no, the snakes, they're moving. Fucking snakes. Stay still fucking snakes. You idiots.

Ding, ding, ding. He's tinking and dinkies. Snakes only react to vibrations. They only react to vibrations? Only. That's the only time the snake moves is when it hears a vibration. I don't know how much longer. He stays stings.

He's dinking away. All right, I think we're in the clear. That was too close. I know who that was. Who? That was the dick, dick, man. Yes, we knew that. One of Carmen San Diego's many cronies.

Oh, this is new information. This is new information. Yes, that man was responsible for one of the biggest art thefts in Chicago's history. What was it? What? A grand painting of Dennis Farina. The one that hung in City Hall? Yes.

A picture of him from his stint as the second host of Unsolved Mystery. My favorite period. Of course, the best period of Unsolved Mysteries. Holding a sausage. So you're telling me the Dink Dink Man is responsible for this? Yes. Let's try to trap him if he comes back. If he comes back, we need him.

And we'll kick the shit out of him. No. What? I need him to be alive. I can say we're going to kick him until he was dead. Well, usually when someone gets the shit kicked out of them, that's the leftover shit that they need to stay alive. Oh, I thought it's because the body voids the bowels and bladder.

Yes, exactly. I got it. I'm just saying we would, like, you know, rough him up a little bit. That's all. Fair enough. But he has to answer questions as to where his boss is. I'm not going to hit him in the mouth. I'll, like, keep it to the stomach.

Okay, okay. No one's accusing you of anything. Okay. How about this? We tie him up with snakes. Yeah. That's a great idea. Thank you.

Each is rope. Are you open? Yes, please. Come in. Nothing's going on in here. Come on in. Are you seriously going to buy a snake? You're just browsing.

Browsing. Get out of here. We don't have time for this. We're expecting the Dick Tick Man. Oh, okay. I'm so sorry. By the way, don't go out at night. The Dik Tick Man is right. Hey, Lauren.

Don't go out at night because the Dik Tick Man is out there. Hey, did you get that snake? No. What happened? They intimidated me, and I left. What? I didn't know which one I wanted. Hold on a second.

Hey, excuse me We're closed We're closed Excuse me You don't have to do this No no, no hang on Excuse me We're closed for a private event

My girlfriend just came in her to buy a snake Okay, stop, stop okay She said you guys bullied her She said she was browsing She didn't come in hit a body It's not a big deal I don't even really want it You know, babe, no

This is fucking bullshit This is exactly why the ding-dink man exists To take down bullshit businesses like this Hey hold on a second pal We're an honest snake's up here, okay? And what's more, we're trying to trap the dig, man. So I think you're in the

wrong here. Good luck. He is crowdfunded like you wouldn't believe. What? Since when? Since when? Since he stopped working for Carmen San Diego and went solo. No! No! It's horrible news. What snake do you want? I'm getting it for you

right now. That red one. Give me the red snake. You want that red snake? Yeah. Do you know how much of costs? We can afford it Yeah Okay it's $30,000 Great Pay it

Her ex gives her alimony Like you wouldn't believe Really? Yeah Yeah She were drowning In some other guy's money We can't spend it fast enough

Give me two reds Yeah This guy sounds great He is We do have a two for one special Oh It's in the window Fine then I want four

We're talking about We're talking about Snakes We're offering a two for one special I said you shouldn't put that up in the window. Four. Is this your place? This guy seems like he's inventing a lot of stuff for you.

He's the security god. I don't know. How much is your store? Oh my God. Hey, it's... The vibration. Oh, you like this? You like the snake, huh?

You like the snake, huh? You're killing them all? Yeah. Let's get out of here. I'll kill every snake in the store before I sound of the likes of you. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Let me. Bobby set it on fire. Are you happy? Yes. Is this what you wanted? Oh my God. We're in hell.

So was it like that? It was like that. All right, that's our show, everyone. Jason Manzukas. Paul F. Hopkins. Here we go. Carl Tart. Hometown hero, Lori Lackett.

Thank you to the show. Chicago Theater!