Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2020 Holiday Spectacular (Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, Jon Gabrus, Lauren Lapkus, Ego Nwodim, Carl Tart, Lily Sullivan, Tim Baltz, Shaun Diston, Dan Lippert)

Episode Date: December 18, 2025

Join us for that special time of year when Scott invites friends old and new to celebrate the Comedy Bang! Bang! Holiday Spectacular! Expect appearances from Jason Mantzoukas, Santa Claus, pretzel maker August Lindt, intern Gino Lombardo, Ho Ho the naughty Elf, the kid who saw mommy kissing Santa Claus, The Chief, and so many more! Happy Holidays from CBB! Originally aired 12/13/2020. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of comedy bang-bang. Out from behind the paywall, and boy, happy holidays to you. This week, we have another episode in our series titled Yo-Yo. It's Santa and Ho-Ho. And this, of course, features Paul F. Tompkins as Santa Claus and Lauren Lapkis as Ho-Ho the Elf. Now, this is a pretty recent episode, I guess, if you think five years ago, was recent. This is a recent. is the 2020 holiday spectacular and it was originally released in 2020 of all years

on December 13th as episode 686. Who's in it? Okay, we have my co-host, Jason Manzukas. And besides Santa and Ho-ho, we have Andy Daly as pretzel maker August Lint. John Gaboris is Gino Lombardo, Ego Wodom as the kid who saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, Carl Tartis chief,

Lily Sullivan, and Tim Baltz as Nooky and Tootie, Sean Diston as Sprague the Whisperer, and Dan Lippert as Frankenstein. Boy, that is a stacked lineup. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, as well as other shows like CBB Presents, since Scott hasn't seen, The Neighborhood Listen, College Town, become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every single live show we've ever done, add-free, new episodes, and even more original shows.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. These are going to be the best of starting next week. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Don't pick your neighbor's flower, but always poop before you shower. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to the real Andrew Lloyd Weber. Wow, the real Andrew Lloyd Weber. Interesting. I don't know what that means the real Andrew Lloyd Weber. Assuming there's a fake Andrew Lloyd Weber out there somewhere, I'm not quite sure.

But that's also great to know that he's a listener. Yeah, that's true. And quite scatological, which I wouldn't expect from the writer of memory. but uh having just watched cats for how did this get made i will say that i believe he would make that poop joke well there were there poop jokes in cats i don't recall i mean i think all of cats is a poop joke i think it's just a shitty movie yeah that doesn't make it a poop joke necessarily i mean you know i don't remember ever seeing j hudge just squatting in the middle of the town square by the way i would have watched it yeah i know you would that's why you watched it

hoping that would happen. I was like, ooh, I bet these cats are going to dump. And then I found out they cut all the buttholes out of it. Yep, they did. They tore everyone a new beehole. No, they paste it over and got nobody's behole. I'm saying on this show, release the butthole cut. That's right. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Very special Decky Doggy Edition holiday episode 2020, the year that we will all remember where we were when it happened the entire year. And final episode of the year other than the best ofs, which are coming up next week. And we have a very special show for you.

A lot of guests. Of course, we know that Comedy Bang Bang has an open door policy. And this week is no exception. I don't quite know who is going to be on the show. They're just going to show up as they come. And speaking of showing up and coming, my special co-host for the show today, you know him from the dictator you know him from nothing else i'm blanking i really i haven't worked since then you you pop up in everything but i can't think of anything you've ever been in i don't mind at all it's i'm not here to plug my career scott i'm here to exercise our friendship on the airway that's right oh big mouth you were in big mouth i did how about big mouth season four caboo i kept watching big mouth wondering when i was going to show up in it and you know what i never did oh what oh no they

draw me in it, but they never put me in it. So you were thinking that you, without having done a voice, you were thinking you would just have maybe show up? Yeah, just to assume, I mean, you know, I saw those pictures of me and my friend Paul of Tompkins and just assumed that maybe I'd be in it this time. But no, it didn't end up happening. But yes, he's in Big Mouth, season four, currently out, currently streaming on Netflix. Please welcome back to the show, special co-host, Jason Manzukas.

Hey, oh, thrilled to be here. Scott, how are you? I'm great. You know, we speak every week. we do a week speak We do a classic week speak We do a classic weekly Zoom And where we talk about comic books

With each other And we don't podcast it to keep it special Can you imagine Can you imagine We spend hours talking to each other About comic books And you fucks don't even get to hear word one Thinking about it now

We should just record it And put it up online People would be into it Yeah but then we get personal We talk about our lives And we don't need people to hear that I don't need people listening to me cry about my loneliness. He's back in the closet, Jason Manzukas, with all of his sweaters.

He's just about to take a, go ahead and take that swig. I can vamp until you, he has a giant, giant mug of something. I'm presuming coffee. 64 ounces of coffee. That's right. And I vamped long enough that he is now talking. And Jay, what are your Christmas plans? You know, Scotty, I'm, I'm.

I've got so many, say Christmas is one of my favorite holidays, you know. Of course, yeah, let's list them. You got New Year's Day. New Year's Day, Boxing Day. New Year's Day. Boxing Day, Flag Day. Wait, Boxing Day is not, that's the end of the list. I don't know.

I don't know any. I don't know. So you don't celebrate any holidays from New Year's Day to boxing day? I don't. Zero. But you said Christmas is one of your favorites. When is Boxing Day? I believe it's December 26th.

Oh, I had no idea. Okay. Okay. You know what? I'm going to abandon the holidays because I don't know when any of them are. You don't know when they are, yes. Well, those ones that keep changing. I'll tell you what, I did just order an artificial Christmas tree.

You're going to order one? I just ordered one. Or not just, it's about to arrive. So I'm going to have, for the first time, in a very long time, because normally I go home to the East Coast to spend Christmas with my family. And so I don't usually have a Christmas tree in my own house here in L.A. because I'm not here for it. So I've just, for the first time,

because I'm going to spend Christmas alone in my home under house arrest. I am going to COVID house arrest. I'm going to have my own Christmas tree. I'm very excited. Wow, and I am here for that. That is amazing. What are you going to put on that tree? Do you need any special ornaments?

Can I send anything your way? Yeah, please. I'd love to say, I'd love some comedy bang bang. Listen, if listeners want to send Comedy Bang Bang themed ornaments to Scott Ockerman. We need to make some ornaments. We really do. What would be on a comedy Bing bang? I can't even pronounce the name of the show anymore.

a clamity, clamity, blang, bang, bang, blang. I feel like you could get, like, the mouth, the comedy bang, bang, bang, mouth insignia. Yeah, that's true. I mean, but, but I mean, something weirder, something just. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You know, I believe for our sister podcast, we've got to stop talking TMNT on CBB. We have a wonderful new shirt in the stores that says the future is female, and then it's a picture of splinter. Just confusing.

Oh, boy. I forget why we were talking about that, but we made shirts, apparently. Amazing. But it would love to get some ornament ideas. Of course, we can't get them into the stores in time for this year. But, you know, this is like a challenge for the next year. Listeners, what would you like to see? What comedy bang, bang, catchphrases or ideas or bits would you like turned into a Christmas ornament?

We have 53 weeks of lead time at this point for next year. I mean, I think we can get this going really easily. Definitely. People are right now shouting while they're doing their laundry or whatever. What about the Black the Blue? With the Haynong Man Christmas Ornament! I want it! Give me the man ornament!

All joking to sell it ornament! You weren't part of that one, I know, but... I wasn't, but I know it. Jealous much, as they say, hey, jealousy has the gin blossoms once. saying yes. Sure, sure. It could just tie a, you know, if you want to make your own comedy bang bang ornament at home, you could just tie.

That's copyright infringement. Nope. Tie some string. I will shut your shit down. Tie some string around a pill and put it on the tree. A pill. Give me that pill. Give me that pill.

Okay, great. Any pills you have in the house, just time around the string. I wasn't part of that one either. But make sure to put them up, you know, at least chest high so your small children can't get to the pills. but um jay great to see you we have a stacked show it is of course decky doggy and uh almost doggy decky and doggy decky indeed to you sir and uh hey penny and all of that but we do need to get to our first guest if that's okay and uh there is no better month to speak to this person although

uh i believe he is harried and busy during this month so uh hopefully he i can't believe he gave us some time here, just a week out from the big day of the big show. But he is here to talk to us. He's been on the show a few times. He's one of, if I don't mind saying, and I don't believe I mind saying this. He is one of our more combative guests, at least to me. Please welcome to the show, though. He is the king of Christmas.

He is the deacon of December 25th. Please welcome to the show Santa Claus. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Oh, wow, coming in very low anyway. Hi, Scott. Hi, Jayce. Coming in freezing cold. Ice cold. Yeah.

Hi, guys. What, Santa. You're okay? You're all right? No, I'm, I'm fine. I'm fine. You know, good health, all that. I'm just, I have, I have an announcement that I have to make. Oh, my God.

It's kind of embarrassing. Okay. Go right ahead. Yeah, please. Do you need us to set you up at all, or? How would you do that? Do you need a podium? Should we call the press corps?

I don't know. That's funny. I guess some other special introduction? Well, ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully this will get picked up by the AP or something. I don't know. Okay. I hope it's nothing to like life-threatening or anything because we're a weekend from Christmas.

No, no, it's not life-threatening. It's not, everything's fine. I just, you know, health-wise, I just, I have to tell everyone. everyone, and this is really hard for me to say, and, uh, you know, I know it's going to make people mad. Um, I didn't, I didn't, uh, I didn't do anything this year. Really? What, what do you mean? Well, you know, with the pandemic and it seemed like there was a lot of talk about canceling holidays and, uh, so I thought, oh, okay, uh, I guess we're not, We don't need to do this this year.

And so I am just flat out, I don't, I don't have anything. I don't have anything. Meaning you didn't make any of the toys? You gambled that Christmas wasn't going to happen so are fully unprepared? I didn't, okay. Now, hold on, in my defense, I don't think I gambled. It was that a lot of people were saying that they were canceling these holidays. Who are these people?

As Jerry Seinfeld said. No, it's just the talk. You know, they're government officials. On the talk? Yeah, I saw it on the talk. Melissa Gilbert told you this? Sarah Gilbert? Sorry, I'm a bit of a talk super fan.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Are the Gilbert girls? Are they related and should they do a show called the Gilbert girls? I was just going to say, are Melissa Gilbert and Sarah Gilbert related? Yes, everyone named Gilbert is related. Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert Godfrey, yes. A Philbert, a Philbert nut is a cousin?

So, so I'll just move past that. So Santa, usually you start making the toys, you give yourself one day off, I know that, December 26th, where you sit in a hot tub. Oh, God, I love that hot tub. That was the best investment I ever made. It's an above-ground hot tub as well, right? I love, it's an above-ground. Yeah, it's way above-ground. I have to climb a ladder to get into it.

It's about, I would say, it's like 16 feet. 16 feet up, yeah. Is it 16 feet deep or? Yes, it is. Oh, wow. You can drown in that. So I'm holding onto the sides for dear life, but I'm very buoyant. It's more like a plunge hot tub.

Well, it's a saltwater hot tub, so I float. And but also it gives me a lot of privacy because no one can see me and I could just be hanging out there. And look, I'm a kind of guy who wears a T-shirt to the pool. So, you know, to be able to really, to really just be myself, let it all hang out, you know, in this 16, 16 foot high hot tub. In the North Pole, where no one is. Yeah. But let me tell you, you have the, what, there's the elves. Oh, the hell is.

You must have to climb like a water slide level ladder to get into the tub. It's pretty high. But it's safe. It's not like Action Park or some shit. Like, I really, I worked it all out. I'm sure. I'm sure it's very safe. But that seems excessive.

Yeah. So you know what about like an elevator or one of those you know how if you have older parents that seems decadent that's a little seat that kind of the motorized seat. Hey, who's older than me and I'm not using one of those? You know what I mean? I remember we used to have family friends when I was a kid and when we would go to their house they had one of those seats that would go up the stairs. Alone or in pairs? To bring the grandmother up the stairs and we would always ride it like it was a ride. Did anybody catch my slinky reference?

Yeah, it was great. It was great. I mean, you're the guy who makes them. That's a reference that you would make. Yeah, I just need to... It goes downstairs. Yeah. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I mean, listen, toys are some of my favorite stuff. I just am so sad right now to realize many children will not be receiving them for business. Yeah, what I was going to say is you usually start back up again. You ramp up production December 27. Yeah, so, I mean, you don't have any toys that you made from December 27th through March 15th or so. I don't like to allow this much of a peek behind the curtain, but here's what happens. We don't really start a production again until March.

What? Whoa. What are you doing between December 27th and March? I'll tell you exactly what I'm doing is I'm giving kids a grace period so that for January and February, nothing counts towards naughty and nice. So you're not even, so not only are you not manufacturing, you're not even checking in? You're not no peeking? No, it's very. You're telling me it's a no peaking?

it's very it's very loose it's not as strict as we are throughout the rest of the year obviously we check in to see if any kids are like a bad seed murderer or something they're not getting they're getting coal for sure what are you just checking the papers or the police blotter how are you checking on that I check the papers check the papers where are you uh Santa on clean coal uh no such thing fair it's cold it's filthy as hell yeah okay good good to know yeah it's dirty so So kids can do whatever they want? I mean, this is just going to be pandemonium. Within reason. It's not like the purge. Is it like, is it like, by the way, the next purge movie is a kid purge. Really?

It's a preteen, it's a Y-A purge. It's kid purge. Oh, okay. I'm into that. I would watch that. Is it set on that reality show where the kids took over a western town? Yes. Yes.

What was it? Utopia? No, that's not it. I don't believe it was called Utopia. It's not called Utopia. I can't remember what it was called, but yes. Lord of the Horse Flies. So you've done nothing.

This is going to be such a blow to children all over the world. Yeah, I mean, it's, well, not, I mean, you know, there are kids in a certain, like, I would say we got in a week's worth of production before the lockdown. okay and it just I've I've been around a few pandemics in my day and this just seemed like I kind of saw the writing on the wall that people are going to fuck this up and there's no way it's going to be over before Christmas and sure enough I was right and so you know all this time I was thinking well I made the right call I made the right call and I got to tell you I reconnected with my wife in a way that I haven't since we were first married oh wow I got I got to know the the elves in a way that I haven't before. Which way is that? As friends. Oh, that's very lovely.

What did you think I meant? I had no idea. You had no idea. Boy, oh, boy. You know, I come on this show, and I'm coming, ermine-trimmed hat in hand, and to give this very embarrassing announcement. You're breaking the news on this show,

much like Todd Glass broke his news on WTOS. That's right. This is an exclusive. A CBB exclusive. I get this same old bullshit from the host. You know what I mean? I apologize. I just, you know, I mean.

Do you mean it? Do you mean it? I guess all I'm saying is is you've known those elves for thousands of years at this point. What else is there to get to know about them? I get to know them as individuals as opposed to a boss worker relationship. So did you kind of put through? Did you go through like an undercover... What are you talking about?

Was it like... Yeah, Jason, I did an undercover box where I disguised myself as a gigantic elf. Did you do it like Dorff? Yes. I could see it happening. I stood on my own boots. I kneeled on my own boots. Dorff.

I love that you too, so. Dorff in the North? Dorff in the North, that's right. Whatever that means. Now we're just free associating. I'm on. I'm into it. This is what it always devolves into on this.

I know. I'm sorry, uh, uh, Santa. I forgot your name for a second. So what's your plan? Oh, you're laughing again. That made me laugh. Oh, the bowlful of jelly is back. The idea that, okay. I don't mean to comment on your weight. Yeah, you did, though.

Well, it's a famous poem. Yeah, everyone likes to use that excuse. Like I wrote it. Who wrote it again? I remember a podcast. I heard a podcast. Clement Clark Moore, the notorious statement. Slave owner.

That's right. That was a good show. Yes. Oh, well, Santa, this is terrible. I mean, this Christmas Day is going to be a national day of morning. We made about, in that week in March, we made about, I'm going to say, 75 toys. Oh, okay. We're going to go to the very top of the nice list and see who deserves it.

But after that... Wait, is the nice list in order of nicest to worst, really? Well, yes. We would not only naughty and nice, but we also quantify how nice and how naughty of them. Wow. So who, like, who gets the top score and what is the percentage? I would imagine, you know... Jesus Christ, the year that he was around, he was 100% nice.

Other than that moneylender's thing. Well, and he also cursed that fig tree. That's true. So he got a nice... 99.96, maybe. That was wild. I mean, talk about hangary. Quite a lot.

Quite a lot of your job, Santa. It sounds like it's a lot of like statistical analysis. Oh, absolutely. I mean, look, it's a vast operation. Everyone's got their responsibilities. And myself, Mrs. Claus, and a few trusted associates, we are the ones that are going through and quantifying the niceness and the naughtiness. And it's, it's, we've got it down to a science.

It's pretty easy at this point. But yeah, only 75, only 75 gifts. Who are the top 75 this year? Can you announce any of them? Yeah. Anybody you're excited to give some of these gifts to? Anybody that you're like, ah, these kids really deserve it. Like a Greta Tunberg?

Greta Toonbach, yes. She gets one. She's going to get an easy-bake oven. Oh, really? something that heats up? I don't think you should give her something that heats. Malala, of course. She's out there.

She's going to get one of those Barbie heads where the hair grows. Okay. Turn the crank and the hair comes out. Okay. So all of the 75 toys you built, they seem to, two of them seem to be from the 1970s. Yes, that's correct. Well, here's the thing.

There's some weird kids that get into weird stuff. Retro toys. You start making those first. Yes, exactly. We start making those first because we don't have to make a lot of them. And it's like, this will be fun. Let's get this out. To start off with something fun.

You know, future gay kids. They love this kind of stuff. Sure. It's sketchy stuff. Yeah. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a lot. And look, look, just so everyone knows.

Of course, I'm embarrassed. I'm mortified. I should have just, honestly, at the very least I should have been I should have kept in production because even if Christmas was completely cancelled

I would have had to jump on next year that would have been hard yeah it's very hard during COVID to motivate yourself I would imagine can I ask you can I ask you this Santa is there any part of you that thinks like

oh at the very least you should try and deliver gifts maybe you could buy a lot like I mean I know I know stuff or there's stuff like on Amazon I've been buying stuff, you know, rather than make stuff. First of all, first of all, there's no

fucking way Santa ever re-gifts. Okay, let's get that out of the, out of the equation. I'm not looking around my cottage in the North Pole's like, uh, uh, uh, uh, that's not what I do. What do you do with all your old crap? Do you donate it or? I donate a lot of stuff, yeah.

Okay, great. I do donate a lot of stuff. Like if you get a gift bag with like a, with a throw blanket, what do you do with it? Uh, I, sometimes those blankets are nice. What about moisturizer that you're allergic to? Well, that I see if anyone likes it. I wouldn't wrap it as a gift, but I would like, I'll hold like a...

You're playing fast and loose with the re-gifting. A gift is when you... A re-gift is when you take something that's in your home, you wrap it up like you bought it, and then you give it to someone. But just going up to someone saying, do you like this? Is this something that you would use? You can have it. No, I don't do it.

No, on Christmas. Jesus. Do you have any concept of what my Christmas is like? Well, you're done by Christmas. What is it like? Well, I have to go all the way the fuck back home to the North Pole. How long does that take you? How long does that take? Here's the thing. You can get everywhere in one night. That's in one night I can do that. But then the journey back to the North Pole is in real time. Oh, no. Wow. Because by midnight on Christmas Eve? No one ever talks about that, do they?

No one talks about that. Clement Clark Moore, you slay. slave holton son of a bitch do you have to travel commercial back to the north pole no i have to i have to travel with that goddamn sleigh with the rain oh my god and we can't fly we have it's it's it's land based travel just over the hills and through the woods oh that last that last leg it's like fucking uh fitzcaraldo i'll tell you to try to get that try to get that boat over that Boy, oh boy, it's a real drag. It's a real drag guy. And my understanding is Werner Herzog's trying to do a documentary about that exact trip.

Yeah, you know, I'm, I'm open to it. Are you in talks with him? We've talked about it on and off for years. And I feel like the time is not yet right, but eventually I will, I would like to do that. Especially now that Prancer has been replaced by Klaus Kinski in the, in the reindeer line up. That's right. That's right. He had nothing else to do. What happened to Prancer? Prancer's just taking it easy, you know. He broke, he broke his leg. I didn't want to shoot him. Oh, okay. Oh, you didn't want to. I didn't want to shoot him. He's a good guy. He's family. He's a

good guy. And, you know, I don't know what it is with these creatures. Any, anything that's got like a great big body and then the spindly little legs, like, what is that design? Do you have a, do you have a rifle just in case you do need to put one of them down? Well, I have a rifle in case anyone breaches the North Pole. Wow. So you are armed. You are a, are you a Second Amendment right

supporter? I'm not an absolutist, but I do believe in protecting my home and, of course, protecting the mystique of Santa Claus and my legend of the North Pole. Of course, this is obviously what I'm doing now. Is the North... Can I ask you say that? Is the North Pole a standier

ground state? I mean, it's just us up there, so... You make your own rules, right? We make our own rules. I mean, it's so... We haven't had anyone try to break in in a really long time. When was it? Yeah, when was the last time?

D.B. Cooper. Oh, is that what happened to him? His parachute. It caught some wind, and he drifted all the way to the North Pole. Did he have his suitcase full of money with him? Yes, he did, trying to buy his way out, but we had to put him down. Oh, no. I heard that that's the next oceans movie

is breaking into the North Pole. Yeah. That's right. With some jazzy, funky soundtrack. The next tower heist, actually, in the tower heist franchise. Oh, yeah. What is keeping the next tower heist movie?

What is the heist averse? Well, Santa, this is a terrible situation. Yeah, I feel for it. I empathize with you. I mean, it's been very difficult. You think you love me? Partridge family style. You feel for me?

You think you love me? Of course, Dr. Santa Claus. Santa Claus. Santa Claus. Let me, let me, Ruck you, let me, Ruck you, Semi-Klaz. Well, we do need to get to our next guest, and I'm sorry to hear the Santa. Can you stick around for a bit?

For a bit. Okay, very good. He is a, I know sometimes Santa, you travel to Germany. Sometimes I do. Sure. Every year, I think. Sometimes I travel to Germany every single year. So you've probably seen this guy wandering around the streets of Germany.

Absolutely. I've seen him wandering around the streets of Germany. On December 24th. He is a pretzel maker extraordinaire. Please welcome back to the show, August Lind. Oh, hello. Thank you so much, Scott. It's wonderful to be here.

It's no wonderful to have you. Yeah, but it goes a little too far to call me a pretzel maker. I work in a pretzel factory, and I am a salt inspector. That's right. You don't physically make them. You check them out to make sure that the salt is okay. I just check out the salt. Only look at the salt.

After the salt goes through the process, I have nothing to do with the pretzels. Pretzel checker? Is that more accurate or salt? Salt inspector. Salt inspector, okay. He's holding up his badge. He said it specifically. He says, he's showing you his bad salt inspector.

He's just like, you're asking me for my papers or something. Please, please, please. Don't say that. I need to bring that up. That's a serious subject there. We don't really talk about any of the kinds of wars that we've done in the past here in Germany. We just don't touch on it. You're right, right.

August is so great to see you, especially during a decky-doggy here, December. Are you on one of your many vacations? Well, of course I am, Scott. Yes, I'm on vacations. You know, I only get about this year. This year has been difficult because of the pandemic. We've only had 11 months of vacation at the pretzel factory. I'm so sorry.

It's been very difficult. Do you usually get 12? It's very hard. You must be exhausted. Yeah, yeah, it's really tiring. Yeah, the problem is, too, that that one month of work is spread out over the whole year, so it's hard to get out. Oh, I didn't know that. So you do one day or like a half day, then you come back for a half day?

Yeah, that's right. And so you can't go on long trips. But right now I'm taking, I've decided, you know, a lot of times people will say to me, August, you're always going to terrible places. How come you don't treat yourself to a wonderful vacation? So I says, okay, that's fine. This time I'm going to the islands.

And so I've spent some time on the islands. Oh, which islands? I mean, Jamaica, Aruba, come on pretty booba. Wait, forget quite how that goes. But that's how you guess In the depths of their 1980s? Come on pretty booba That baby Yoda's real name

That's right, I forgot Grogoo No, they gave him a name Jamaica and Bogu Come on little grogoo That's fun I can't get enough of that baby Yoda He's very adorable

Did you make any of those before the pandemic struck Any dolls of the baby Yoda Could not do that because of license sing. No, he's talking to me, August. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, I didn't expect you to make any of these August. August. I think I'm making pretzels. I have a question for August. Did you make

any Baby Yoda salt effigies, August? Did you at least inspect any? I've had Baby Yoda on the mind so much that of course every once in a while some salt will come down the line and I'll say that one looks a little like Baby Yoda. So the salt looks like Baby Yoda and not the pretzel?

Sometimes. I'm You're only dealing with the salt. Well, you're looking at the pretzel, I would imagine. Is it all sort of fuzzy because you're laser-focused on that salt? You really don't understand it, Scott. But now I see the salt, it is not on the pretzel yet. I'm determining whether the salt belongs on the pretzel or not. Oh, I had no idea.

I know we must have talked about this, but I assume... A million times! By the time it's on the pretzel, it's too late, right, August? That's right. It's too late. You can't re-salt a pretzel. The salt that's on there has to have been approved previous. Yeah, well, they have tried to resort pretzels, but it's extremely expensive and it's just like, forget it.

Right. Yeah, well, a bell is just a cup until it's struck. So, August, what islands did you go to? Well, hold on, I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead. Who's drinking out of a bell? Like a church bell? What's the old, is Elmo a glove? You know, I mean, it's when you really think about things.

Elmo's not a glove. He's a puppet. Yeah, he's not a glove. I feel confident in saying Elmo is not a... If I saw somebody on the subway wearing an Elmo on each hand... It's a popular meme, Jay. All right. August, what islands did you go to? Wow. Very angry.

I went to all the typical islands. First, I got a job... First, I got a job at an island's hamburger in the Palm Desert. Oh, okay. The island's chain of restaurants? Yeah, it's a regional chain. Probably a lot of your listeners don't know about it anywhere. I think it's a hamburger place, if I'm not mistaken.

It's a tropical themed hamburger place that seems to have a parrot decor on the walls. Yeah, it's like the islands. It's inspired by the islands and by hamburgers. And so I got a job there for a while. Then I went to the Isle of Dr. Moreau. Whoa. Wow. Okay.

How many legs did you? walk on. Did you see lots of human creature hybrids, animal hybrids? Oh, yeah. Well, they've taken over the island. You know, Dr. Moreau himself has been dead for a long time now. Oh, I had no idea. Oh, yeah. They killed him, you know. They killed him. His own creation. Spoiler alert. And killed him. Well, yeah. I mean, you've got to, either one. I mean, you got to expect that when you're watching a Dr. Moreau film. Like, you know, a man's hubris. Man was never meant to play God. And of course, they're going to rise up and kill him. Yeah. Of course. You know. it was like they was very angry to be human.

They was more happy as animals and then to become part human was an outrage to them and so they killed their creator. You don't think that if you were to evolve into a higher being, you would be happy about it? No, not at all.

That is, especially, not if I was not given a choice. Like, what are you talking about? Like, if I was to become a porpoise? I don't know that a purpose is a higher being. If you were, what would be your purpose? What is the purpose of a porpoise? Yes, that's true. But, okay, so you...

What is it some Gilbert and Sullivan's shit? We're aiming to get on Studio 60 this season. But look, season eight of Studio 60 is the best. So August, you've been traveling around these islands. You went, of course, to the island's restaurant and then the island of Dr. Moreau, and that's been taking up your time. Did you visit Nick from Islands? Nick Thorburn?

How about islands in the stream? Did you go there? Oh, no, I didn't. But you know what I am now, guys. Where's that? I'm on the island of the misfit toys. What? Yeah.

But no, how did you find it? I've been searching for that for years. Oh, you have? Yes. They're fugitives. I'm trying to get them back. What would you do with them, Santa? Oh, don't worry.

Don't worry about what Santa would do with those misfit toys. Is that why you originally bought that rifle to put them down? Come on, Scott. I don't know. No, you don't. You really don't. Is the island of misfit toys like Australia? Is it like where the criminal toys were sent?

Like the, is it like a prison island? Or do you not want to give up its location because Santa will immediately go there? Well, I was about to until he told me he was trying to track them down his fugitives. I was about to tell him exactly where the island of misfit toys is. But now I can't say a word. I'll put on earmuffs, all right? No, forget about it. It's very cold here.

It is a beautiful island. It is like Australia. I guess it's some clues. Yeah, yeah, it's very cold. Very cold, so it's not by Australia because it's very hot there right now. It's not near Australia, that's for sure. But it is similar to Australia in the sense that it is its own continent. People don't know.

It's the eighth continent. Oh. And also in the sense that there's a, there's, kangaroos, but the kangaroos bounce around on their hands. They're like... What? Because they're misfit kangaroos. It's the island of misfit toys

as well as misfit kangaroos. Oh, okay. So all the misfit kangaroos who bounce around on their hands make their way over to that island? I guess so. Oh my God. That's incredible. I don't know if they're indigenous to the island. I didn't get into too much. When you're on a holiday

like this, August, are you like touring? Are you looking around it like new salts? Are you doing any kind of like exploration to discover new salt? No, forget it. I try to put the salt out of my mind all together. In fact, the one time I went to the salt flats for a vacation. It was terrible because I was trying so hard to just like not focus on the salt because that's the job. Sure. Do you even eat anything with salts when you're on vacation? I stay all the way away from the salts when I'm on a vacation. I say to the waitress all of the times, is there salt in this recipe? And they always say, well, I don't

know. And then I say, I would think they would say yes. Almost everything has salted it. Well, they claim not to know. But then I, I said, hired help. They don't, I mean, they're not the chefs. Yeah, I will say, tell the chef, don't put no salts in this. And they, and then a lot of sometimes the chef comes out and says, trust me, you don't want to eat us for that salt. You ever been to salt and sea with all those off-the-grid meth heads? Oh, yeah, sure I have. Yeah. Yeah, they're great.

Those guys are great. They're great. They're great. Salt of the earth, you might say. Yeah, you have a wonderful time. The off-the-grid meth heads are the best methods. They really are because you're not going to get a lot of this kind of empty pop culture talk with those guys. They just want to do their meth in peace.

Yeah. Is that the problem with regular meth heads is pop culture talk? Yeah. They want to get all jacked up on meth and talk about the. this season of real housewives of the Potomac. Can't I just do my meth and not have an opinion on the Queen's Gambit? Exactly. It's tiresome. These guys, I don't know anything.

They're off the grids. Wow. So what are you doing on this island then? I mean, here on the island of Miss Fitzhift Toys, I've got to tell you about this. Thanks for resetting. I feel duty-bound to do it. I understand. I have to do it all the time.

Oh, yeah. Otherwise, it's unencumbered chaos. Exactly. I'm a real rules follower. But anyways, there's no food here. It's one of the problems. The toys don't eat the food. Oh, no.

Okay. How are you doing? Are you able to eat anything or any of the toys edible? I always bring a fanny pack full of lunar bars wherever I'm going. And I can make it like half a day on a nibble. So I can, you know, that's fine for now. Sure. There's plenty to drink because there is snow, which turns out really only water in a sense.

I'm sure it's frozen water, I believe. Yeah, if you can just make it. Yeah, or even just you can put it in your pockets. Your body heat then. Yeah, the morning is. Yeah, exactly. But mostly it's just kind of walking around, to be honest with you, listening to these toys complained. They are so depressed.

Why are they complain? I mean, they're on their own islands. They're, they have authority over themselves. They're no longer under Santa's oppressive rule. Come on. Well, it's absolutely, no, it's miserable. I mean, they are under the oppressive rule of this lion. There's some lion there, right?

Who's in charge of everything? I don't know. Really? Yeah, he's like a lion up there. Is it Aslan? Is it Aslon from Chronicles of Nernian? Aslain? I wanted to add a pronunciation.

Sir, why not? I'm sure mine is wrong. Yeah. Lane the lion is up there, and he's being a real impossible king of this land. And so everybody there is a surf, and they... But they're sad because they feel like these misfits and they'd like to be under the tree. So everyone's a surf is J.K. Rowling there to add a turf? I don't understand.

Is it worth explaining? Because I don't understand. Is Brainy there? Who's brainy? Because he's a smurf? Oh, brainy smurf? Yeah. Yeah, there's a few smurfs here that came off the assembly line in colors other than blue.

Oh, no. Any spongy footballs? Oh, you mean like, you're talking about a nerve? Yeah. I'm just trying to have some fun, too. There's one nerve ball here, but it is hard as a rock. If you throw it, you will become terribly injured. Wow.

So, I mean, this is, do they desire to be normal toys again? Do they, much like the movie Toy Story, are they looking for a child's love in order to make them feel complete? Look, this is the reality. They are despondent. They are not thinking in terms of solutions. They are just, like, bereft. Because I'm trying to gauge them, like, what's the end game here? Do you want to be repaired to be normal or do you want to be accepted as you are?

And all, every single time I ask this, all I get is tears. Well, they're at the depths of their depression. That's what it is. Yeah. I mean, in DABDA, they're still in the first stage. Or maybe they've accepted that their life will never get better. They're at the final stage. It seems that way.

I don't think, if you reach acceptance, I don't think you're bursting into tears. Okay, so they're still in denial or anger? I forget what the B is. Bargating. And then what's that second D? I can never remember. Depression. Oh, they're in the final D.

Yeah, they are deeply... Yeah, give them that final deep, bro. Yeah, they're intractably depressed. Oh, my gosh. Well, at least you're keeping an upbeat attitude. I mean... Well, I think it's fascinating to be around all of these broken spirits. I am...

Let's say it's like living in Germany. Well, yeah, a little bit. But sometimes, you know, you get a nice summer day in Dusseldorf and people will smile. But this is the opposite. It's just cloudy and miserable. and it's just a sadness, sadness, sadness. It's fascinating. It's cloudy.

It's hot. It's in the... No, it's cold. It's cold now. That's right. It's cold. It's cloudy. It's in the northern hemisphere.

Or how long, August, how long will you be there? Is this a brief trip or are you there for a while? Well, the boat that's supposed to come and pick me up is already... So it's accessible by boat. It's accessible. Well, it's an island. It's an island. But I guess it doesn't have a jagged rock surrounding it, so...

Well, it's accessible. I don't know. It doesn't have a landing strip, is what I'm saying. You can't fly there. Right. A helicopter, maybe? I mean, you... Do you have a landing strip, August?

A seaplane. You bet I do. Still keeping the upkeep on your pubes. Well, I am, although, listen, my wife has taken no interest. But anyways, I am... I know you were married for some reason. Yeah, I'm married. So terrible marriage.

Well, I don't know about that, but it's... I have a wife. This guy's the original cook. Oh, that's right. No, no, that's not true. You know, a lot of people have said that to me. Hey, I think your boss, Schmeiderberg is cheating on your wife or cheating on, or he and your wife is cheating on something. And I have said to him, I have said, listen, you're not doing that, are you?

And he has said, don't be ridiculous. So that's not true. Is he Malky? I beg a pardon? Don't be ridiculous. Of course not. Balky Bartokamus? Don't be ridiculous.

Did you make any balky toys, Santa before the pandemic stroke? Man, I did. When that show came out, I thought kids are going to want this balki. They did not. It's just a man doll, essentially. It's just a doll of Bronset show. Here on the island of Misfit Toys, there is a balky doll that just simply speaks fluent English. I knew.

I knew I was missing one. Yeah. He speaks perfectly well. He's completely under me. He's completely understandable all the time. All of the time. He's never confused. He gets idioms, all of it.

Yes, he has no confusion about life in America. Wow. Well, look, we have to take a break. August, are you sticking around or do you have to go? I can't tell. Okay. We'll see when we come back on the other side. We're going to come right back with more comedy bang bang.

We'll be right back with a comedy bang bang, holiday special after this. Yeah. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang. We are back. We have Jason Manzukas here of the fabled Manzukas. We also have Santa Claus here. Yes, ho, ho, ho. And August Lint, of course. Do you have a catchphrase? Prenzors! I thought you liked salt, not pretzels. I know. You put me on the spot. Sorry. Hey, Scott, Scott, I got to go put a log on the fire here because it's freezing.

Oh, okay. So I'll be right back. Okay, yeah. But just carry on without me. All right. We'll see you in a second of me. Is that a euphemism? Put a log on the fire? It literally is not.

It's cold. I'm at the North Pole. I'm going to put a log on the fire. I thought you would have had special heating properties or something like that. Well, anyway. Everybody's levels sound great. Let's just start rolling whenever you're ready, Scott, if you want to kick us off with the intro. What?

Gino, we've been rolling for half a now. The show's been happening for like a long time. For 45 minutes at least. We haven't been rolling? Oh, fuck. Is this, are we doing Easton stand at time? No. God damn it.

I'm on Greenwich meantime because I'm going off the world clock these days because of Bitcoin. That makes sense. Are you living that crypto life? I'm neck deep. I'm pussy deep in cryptocurrency like a fucking madden. Neck deep, pussy deep. Which is it? Bad story straight.

Are you neck deep, back deep, pussy deep, crack deep? Yeah, ask Calise, baby. She knows. Or peaches rather. Calise was milkshake. I can't keep track of the fucking meat. It wasn't peaches either, but we'll just move on. Oh, okay.

Gina, what's wrong? Your references are usually so on point. What happened? I know. I thought I was going to be on Comedy Bang Bang, but I guess I rolled on to Song Exploder with Scott Occamint. Are you talking music tracks to me, R.E. Other music.

I listen to a lot of shit. Sorry. I'm just going through a fucking hard time right now. What's going on? What's going on, Gino? It's one of those things where I'm getting insane podcast success, but it's from the wrong audience. Oh.

I just, I have a huge... You're getting success? I'm getting huge success. access, tons of sponsorships. I'm going full Legion of Skanks. I'm all the way off the reservation. I got fucked up twisted Patreon. The more right wing I get, the more money I make. I don't want it to happen. Well, yeah, that's the trap that you can fall into. You have to keep escalating your crazy shit and you get more money, but you have to keep, you know, outdoing yourself. Preach your choir. I have Scaramucci on the Geneo Lombado show thinking it's going to be

a big get. Reddit catches fucking fire. They try to cancel me. And then next thing you know, I'm doing video chats with pole pots descendants for the fucking podcast. I'm printing Patreon money. My pod swag is through a roof. Yeah, I'm fucked. I'm in so deep. My fans just keep, I had Opie and Anthony coming on critiquing different minorities facial structures.

They're back together? Amazing. To be on the Gino Lombardo show, they would. Wow. But I can't, I, I'm in such fucking hot water. I can't even deal with it right now. So let me just say. Levels sound good, the German guy, the Greek guy, the big fat guy with the white beard.

You guys all sound great. Yeah, but don't call him fat, by the way, especially a skinny person like yourself. You don't, he's very sensitive about his weight once he comes back. Oh, shit. Okay. Sorry. Yeah, I didn't realize. Do you know how frequently that happens to me as a comedic radio persona?

I'm talking to a fat person, something I don't fully understand at all. I reference them being overweight, and they're offended as if that's maybe the first time they've thought about the fact that they're overweight? Because I assume comedians are constantly struggling. Overweight comedians are constantly, you know, rationalizing and structuring, you know, dealing with their fucking weight problems. But, you know, it's best not to ever comment on physical appearance. Yeah, never lean over. These female comics, they go ape shit if you lean over and be like, we get a couple of fucking dump trucks. Am I right? They will flip the fucking, I don't know about

that, Gino. By the way, Gino is my former intern. You have your own show at this point. I don't know whether you need to be on my show anymore. Oh, I do. I get a lot of runoff pussy every time I do an episode of Comedy Bang Bang. My DMs catch fire. And there's just all these different. Gino, if you don't mind,

can you please stop inviting me to join Parlor? I'm just saying it's a great place to plug your podcast. I know you're not a social media guy, Jason, but I think it's... What if that were the one that you were on? You're like, hey, this is just pretty good. Hardcore on parlor. It's the only place to access Jason Manzoukas.

It's just exclusively trolls, hanging out which is fun you know it's like the watchman who trolls the trolls we're all just having a they're on their world tour of course so gino you uh what are you doing for the holidays do you mind me asking um well i do mind you asking but i guess i am i apologize i am willing to share it um i'm going down to venezuela venezuela with some venezuela well i i've been calling it venezuela because i've been training for it and i'm trying to get more vascular so i'm We're already to get two tickets to fucking Vanuizuela. This makes sense.

Is that where you go to get your illegal HGH? They do have, I'm going down there to do something called a stem cell dip. Where they have like the Luke Skywalker Bactin vat that they can drop you in. A Bacta tank? A back to tank. Yes, that's what it's called. And they drop you in, but it's all fetal embryonic stem cells. So it's, I should come out.

even younger, even better in shape. Which is basically what Remdesivir is. Yes, exactly. It's what they gave Tom Cruise. It's what they gave Trump, Christy, all the same shit. I'm going down there. As a matter of fact, I can't. Tom Cruise.

Yeah. Tom Cruise gets it preemptively because we can't have him die. I thought you meant Tom Hanks when I was. Did we not talk about this? You know, Tom Cruise, he has to die filming. That's like his deal he made with the devil. Okay. Really?

Yeah. He made a deal with the devil or Lord Zeno, depending on. on your belief system. And he's going to have unlimited talent, fountain of youth, but he will have to dive for us by mission by Mission of Possible 10. So get pumped for him. I X.

He keeps trying to. Is that what? Well, that last movie, he jumped across a building and shattered his leg and kept shooting. Yeah, not like people. Yeah. Chris McQuarrie is a fucking, you know, denizen of Lucifer himself and he's trying to help get Tom Cruise killed.

But the dude is fucking. He's like, Dennis McCory, Christopher McCormer. Christopher McCoy, rather, is like a Caworkian helping Cruz pass through this mortal coil. Yeah, we thought for sure it would get him killed, but he jumped, he fucking did a halo jump and he was fine. He hung on the side of a plane. Did you see that Tom Cruise said he wants to shoot in space?

Fingers crossed, this is the one that gets him. An alien fucking kills him or fucking, you know, his mask opens and it sucks his eyeballs out of his head or some shit. My God. There's no limits. I'm sorry, I just wanted to ask. To a clarification, there's no limits on Tom Cruise's talent? Yeah, he made this deal where he's...

Why have we seen so many of them then at this point? Have you seen Rock of Ages? Well, here's the thing. Rock of Ages, night and day, the movie where he looks like TIG and is a cocaine pilot. American Made. Like, those three movies, he has to do some movies like that, so he comes across like a normal style. Okay, yeah. Hey, hey, I'm back.

I'm back. Did somebody mention Lucifer? I love that show. Oh, yeah. I had a friend on it once. So you're in Venezuela. How far is that from the island of Misfit Toys, August? Well, as the crow flies, it's very cold.

But listen. Sorry, I'm not going to help Santa track down these fugitive toys. Look, I respect it. Sooner or later, I'm going to find them. I've been to Venezuela, by the way. I will bring them back. I spent some time in a standing room only prison in Venezuela. It's beautiful there.

Why is it SRO? And you just couldn't sit down physically. It's so crowded. You couldn't do it. Oh, it's crowded. It's not the cell isn't just totally vertical. Well, you got to get nine friends and order a bottle of toilet wine and then you can get a table like that's up on a dais. And it's sort of, it's a different vibe.

It's a little chiller. It's 10 prisoners per table. But it at least, you know, separates you slightly, which is nice. It's very nice. And the cell is not totally vertical? Well, what do you mean by that? I don't know. Scott said it and I was trying to...

Well, you know, more vertical than it is, taller than it is wide, I guess. I think it adhered to all the rules of physics. Yeah, I couldn't imagine how something wouldn't be also vertical. All right, well, look, Gino, it's great to have you here. So now that we're recording, we have a... Whenever you're ready, action with your whole fucking... Yeah, we have a very special guest coming up that we need to do. so make sure we're, all the levels are good.

They are... Test, test. Sorry, sorry. Please, we don't need to test yet. They are from the North Pole as well. They are one of the citizens in Santa's Village, which is, I'm presuming, its own post office. Please welcome back to the show, Ho-ho. Ho-ho.

Oh, no. You and Santa are both depressed? Oh, no. Oh, ho. Yes, depressed, too? Oh, you haven't talked to Santa? We've been keeping pretty separate. I got two ho-hoes by you.

You didn't even hear them. Ho-ho, ho. Oh, no, no. What's ho-ho? What's wrong? I'm sick of the pandemic. I should think... I would think you would delight in this because it's so miserable.

That's what I thought. And I was pretty happy for a while and it was pretty fun. But now it's getting really old. so I can't frolic with all my friends. Oh, well, look, Ho Ho, ho, by the way, is, of course, the naughty elf from the North Pole who gives gifts to the naughty children, gifts of guns and knives and bombs, etc.

All the stuff they need. And did you make any presents? Because as Santa told us, and, of course, you would know this, he and the other elves didn't make any presents this year, and so Christmas is basically shut down. Did you make anything? The only presents I've been able to make is putting another fire on the log on the fire, I should say.

Putting one more fire on that log. Put more fire on that log. You know when you get a ring of fire in your asshole from eating too much chilly? Come on, Ho-ho. Sorry, O-Ho. What? I'm not even allowed to talk about that anymore. Let Ho-ho talk about fireia. If they want to talk about fireia, let him go. It's especially, it's 2020. Christmas is canceled. Let Ho-ho talk about whatever he wants to talk about. Ho-ho. Gino, do you have fire rea? Oh yeah, I dropped hot lava in the toy toy this morning It's sizzled and it's solidified into igneous rock

And I got to wait till the plumber comes over And chop, you sound like a scientist Great to be back on the show Santa, I haven't even seen you in many, many moons Well, Santa was talking about how he got to know All of the elves so well this year You've been ignoring Ho-ho? Ho-ho I already know pretty good

Well, I was put into quoth Quarantine. Yeah. Oh, wow. Why long? It was heaven. Were you sick or? No.

You didn't contract the novel coronavirus? No. I contracted the short story coronavirus. Hey, Ho-ho's back. Hello. Barely. It's just being on this show making you feel better, Ho-ho? Ho-ho, just a little, just to see some friends on Zoom.

Santa doesn't even let me. use Zoom. He makes me use a different platform where I only see myself. Yeah. It's a Zoom loop that I allow Ho-Ho to have. Sort of like in a movie where people are breaking into a prison and they just play the same 60 seconds of no one there by the cameras over and over. Dennis Hopper fooled me with that shit once. Wow. So Ho-ho, not even the naughty children are getting gifts this year. They're not because I haven't even been able to put together all my nun-chucks and stuff. I just have been a bit despondent, and I haven't even had the tools. And I'm scared we can't even get inside anyone's house this year. Yeah, we can't. We also... Oh, great. Were you ever

going to tell me officially? I mean, do you guys even have PPE? Enough PPE to go in and out of different people's houses? Well, do you want to tell them what you supplied us? look the stuff we have looks great like it's it's on brand it's festive it's just not very effective whenever i you know go to spit on somebody it goes right through it yeah here's going to spit on people whenever you're going to spit on somebody oh yeah that's true let me let me just say this don't buy stuff from instagram ads guys because it looks it looks attractive and then you get it You're like, this is flimsy as hell. Why did I?

They have a whole new shop button. We're not supposed to press it? I know. A whole new shop button. Don't you dare click on that. You thought it was likes. Used to be. Boy.

Well, Ho-ho, what are you going to do on Christmas then? I mean, usually you don't get Christmas Eve off because you usually hitch a ride on Santa's sleigh and hide out in like a stowaway, right? Yes. Every year. Yeah. Typically, we go to Germany every year.

August, that's where you're from. August, you have to unmute yourself, though. Yeah, I'm sorry. I muted myself because there was just the train with the square wheels was shrieking. In pain? In existential pain. Oh, okay, yeah. What were you going to say, though?

We didn't hear exactly what you said. Oh, just thanks for coming to Germany. All right, back on mute. Worth it. Worth it. Yeah, well, I have big plans for this year. I'm trying to make it like a kind of positive solo Christmas. Okay, yeah.

I mean, people can have those. I think it's not going to be the holiday that we expected or wanted, but it's going to be unique to this year. Okay, Donald Rumsfeld. Hey, don't paint me with that brush. Hey, Donald Rumsfeld. Hey, Donald Rumsfeld. Are you, Fred Schneider?

Hey, Hey, Donald Rumsfeld, what are you doing? Taking all the chairs out of my office room. He weren't standing up like a lunatic. I don't know who that is,

so I don't get it. He hasn't been on the naughty list? That's surprising. How old is he? He was a very good kid. Oh, okay. When did he turn bad? 50.

So, what do you have plan then? Ho Ho. Ho. Well, I'm going to make a big old pot of hot cocoa, of course. Cocoa? And I'm going to sit in it and broil my body. Do you think Cocoa iced tea's wife has to say that every time?

Wait, you're going to sit in the cocoa? I'm going to get in the pot of cocoa, turn up the heat. Like it's an above ground hot tub? And put the lid on. Or like it's a vertical cell? Ho ho! No, no. You're going to boil yourself.

and the hot cocoa? Coco, yeah. I mean, I don't even know if I can die and I've never really tried, but I'm curious a little bit. I mean, you certainly can't of old age because you're thousands of years old. And I mean, what's the worst most

life-threatening thing that's ever happened to you? I guess that time you put your finger in my butt. Gee, Scott, why would you do that? I wanted to see if I could poke all the way through, you know? That's not a good excuse. He's immoral! What?

It's a terrible explanation. Why did you, why did you kill this man? I wanted to see if he would die. I wanted to see if I could poke all the way through, officer. Officer. Like just a regular policeman comes. Yeah, beat chopped, twirling his nightstick. Flat foot.

What's all this then? My fairy light in my heart is fading and I have to go. Don't. Wait, no, what? I have to go. Go? Ho-ho. So you have to go?

Oh-ho. You have to go-go? Climbing into a giant mug of hot cocoa. Do I have to wake you up before this? Wake me up before I, ho-ho? I'm going to turn the pot on, and Santa, if you hear me start to scream, don't do anything like you always do. Ho-ho, I can't allow this to happen. Well, what are you going to do?

Invite me into your house so I can sit in between Mrs. Claus's tities and watch some holiday romantic film. God damn it, hello! Hello. You were almost nice for a second. Yeah, when I was dying. You're not anymore. Is that a bird on me? I'm just saying, I was trying to get a little pity from old claws over here.

If you could just invite me over to his house to watch a movie with this beautiful bucksome wife. Huh? Would you just, I'm willing to do that. Will you just leave my wife out of it? Don't comment on her. Don't do anything weird. It's really hard. It's really hard when you see a woman and you can't comment.

I know. It's the society we live in. It's unfortunate. I know. It's cancel culture. All you want to do is give a compliment. I get it. When I see a woman, I just want to say whatever I think about what she looks like.

I know, I know. But we can't anymore, unfortunately. It's tough. The world has changed. Yeah. By the way, do you only watch Christmas movies, Santa all year. Christmas. He watches some.

Some other movies, too, not just Christmas. Okay, ho-ho. I'm not saying. What's the last non-Christmas movie that you've seen? Wedding Clashers. Oh. Wedding Crashers. I thought it was a different one.

That was the last one? Which one did you think it was? The Thomas, the Tank Engine VHS that you watch obsessively. Obsessively, wow. There's something going on there that I'm not, I can't quite figure it out. And I feel like I'm almost at the bottom of it. it. He's not a toy, but he acts like a toy. It's very confusing. Did you ever make any of those any year? I mean, any toys of Thomas the Tank Engine?

Yeah, we did. Hey, guys, Ringo Starr or George Carlin, you have to choose. Huh. Wait, what? To do what, though? Weren't they on Shining Time Station? Shining Time Station, which conductor? I go, I go my own way, Alec Baldwin. I go, George. But I want Alec Baldwin to replace everyone on every show and to do every impersonation. Yes. Thank you. Did you ever hear the voicemail Alec Baldwin left for Thomas the tank engine?

Some of a rude, thoughtless little train. That's the one. Well, Ho-ho, don't kill yourself this year. Okay. Not this year. Yeah, I mean, maybe eventually, especially if everyone in the world dies from, you know, global warming and you're the only person left on Earth. of course, you probably want to end it by then, but... What happened to me in this scenario?

Well, you're a human being. You're not, I mean, you're a magical... I'm also immortal. You're a... Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. I don't know the rules of this. I mean, why is there a Santa...

Why is there a Santa Claus if you can't die? He's amoral. Oh, God damn it. What does that mean? You're neither immortal or immortal. You're just amoral. The concept of mortality does not apply. Ho-ho, are you high?

And be honest. All right. Well, is this safe space? Yes. Sort of, yeah. Well, you know how you left all your cocaine out on your desk? Oh, come on. Oh, ho.

You call it snowflakes, right? It's literally snowflakes. Okay, so I snort snowflakes. I'm a Christmas guy. Sure, but that doesn't mean you. I've been alive for thousands of years. You try shit. Come on, guys.

Okay, all right, all right. Santa's chewing his mustache off over there. He's talking about pop culture, like a method. Anyway, winning Crashers was just okay. Oh, okay. Good to know. Okay. Good to know 15 years late.

Well, look, we have to take a break if that's okay. Anyone have to leave? Yeah, the boat. Okay. The boat is here. To take me, so in a half an hour, I will arrive at the Norwegian archipelago of Svalbard, home of the global seed vault. Oh, no. Oh, that's a major clue.

That's all the information I need. Oh, no. All right, I'm out. I'm going to go track down those toys. And I'm going to follow you for the rest of the day. Fair enough. You guys are going. Gino, you're sticking around?

I wish I could, but someone just found out that I got $900,000 in PPP loans. And I got a... I got to justify. I got to scramble with some receipts or something like that. I understand. All right, but Jay, you're sticking around, right? We still have much more show. Okay, well, we have more show to come.

We will be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Roll commercial. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back, and Jason Manzookas is the last man standing Friday's on ABC. Tim Allen, talking to the Toolman. He's finally meeting the Toolman. man um and uh speaking of the tool man jason uh is uh there in his closet uh drinking his large mug his large vertical mug of of coffee and uh we still have a big as opposed to what a

large horizontal well it's a callback to our previous segment um ah quick on the draw as ever uh we have so much show to get through the i mean this the open door policy people are just dropping by uh so let's welcome our next guest. This is, I'm not quite sure if this is the gender of this guest, because I only have the name, but this is the kid who saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Yep. Hi. Hi.

Hi, Scott. Thank you. So great to meet you. Yeah. Thank you for having me on. Yeah. What pronouns do you use? He and snitch.

Oh, no. He and snitch are mine. Yeah. Is that like the, um, what? the Harry Potter. The Quidditch, the Quidditch. You know, I've never, I never read Harry Potter. My childhood was stolen from me.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Really? From, by, is this related to the fact that you saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? A little bit of that, Jason. I also saw her doing other things with Santa Claus. Oh, the song doesn't go into that necessarily. Yeah, as to what I saw.

I don't know if you know there's a song about your experience. I know the song. I know the song. It ruined my relationship with my mother, because I actually did, I did share the information that was PG enough on that song. But yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you're an older gentleman now because that song was written so long ago.

Yeah. Yeah. I am. Yeah. But I do. But you're still so shaken up by it. Yeah. Because I, you know, every time around the holidays, I get a little, it just brings back.

I go into, I can't go into Macy's without hearing that. song. Yeah. I mean, you must have want to go into Macy's so many times. I love Macy's. They've got really good furniture. A lot of people sleep on them and choose a CB2. Especially these days. Yeah, right? There's also, I mean, it's also got to be very upsetting just even to watch TV right now. There's so much. Mommy stuff. There's so much Santa. There's so much Santa. Can you even watch TV all year long? There's so much mommy content out there. Too much mommy content. Please stop saying Well, no. I mean, Scott, you're on, you're right. And I do want to thank you for letting me come on the show to,

because this is the first time I've been able to speak publicly about it. Have you been under an NDA up till now? Well, yeah, I did sign an NDA. I booked a big job as well. With you, your mom or with Santa? Both of them. Santa's not a good guy, I have to say. Well, he's not on the show, and he just left.

You just missed him. I'm so glad. By the way, which is probably good. Yeah. I saw a little too much of Santa back then, you know, so I'm happy to not see him now. Is this like the Michael Jackson trial where there were people describing his genitals? Could you do that of Santa? I can describe you what I saw.

If you really want to know, Scott. Sure. I would like you. Okay. Yeah. So you know the little mushroom cap up top? I consider that the bottom, but yeah, go ahead. Sure, sure.

Yeah. His mushroom cap It's got like It had like a coat on It had like a coat I don't know if that's a North Pole thing Because I've never met another guy Like a winter

Like an actual coat or like a coat of like a Like an animal has a I would say Are you just talking about pubies? No no the pubies I know what pubes are Scott Come on I have genitals myself. The more you say mommy and

pubies, Scott, I really don't like where this is going. And Scott, you are kind of re-traumatizing me. So, yeah. I apologize. I don't mean to re-trigger you. No, I wouldn't call it, you know, fur or anything. I'd call it more, it was more like a windbreaker on the mushroom cap. It was like a fleshy windbreaker?

A windbreaker. Yeah. A windbreaker. Instead of the two balls, he's got none. I would have thought it would have been snowballs or something Christmassy, but you say just none. Scott Not Christmas balls

Like Yeah Not ornamental balls I expect it Just none There's no balls None There are none

The absence of balls So he's been castrated I guess I don't know the guy straight I didn't get to talk to him Yeah Maybe that's why he's childless You know

And he hangs around all those elves Okay Are you trying to make him out To be Michael Jackson What's going on? You're the one who doesn't like him I just No I mean because I mean

Why are you defending it? I'm not trying to defend the guy. It's just, I don't want to throw false accusations out there kind of. Well, listen, I just saw too much of Santa Claus. I was, I was 17 when that happened. And so. That's very, very old. Technically, in the eyes of the law, in certain states, yes, definitely a kid.

I would say it would be shocking as a young adult in that case to see Santa and your mom. Like, that's got to be mind-blown. Set the record straight. What are we calling a young adult here? What do you call in a young adult? I mean, usually the YA is, you know, between 13 and 17 or so. And why do you know this, Scott? I purely from hanging out in the libraries.

All right, okay. I'm an educated man. Okay, okay. I just want to make sure. Listen, I saw some things I didn't want to see. And so I was 17 years old. And so we thought my mom sent me down the next. day. She knows what I saw. Santa Claus knows what I saw. And they thought maybe we can make a song

about it, right? And maybe this will make it a precious moment. And so we made it. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus as opposed to calling her Deborah, which is my mom's name. And at that age, I was calling her by her name. And really what I saw, I saw Deborah screwing Santa Claus or Santa Claus screwing Debbie. That's much more of a, that's much more of a prince than the song that was. So this song was written 68 years ago,

so you are 85 years old. Yeah, yeah. And they're not going to play. I saw Debbie getting screwed by Santa Claus and the Macy's. Yeah, they're not going to play. He was in a Macy? In a Macy's.

Wow. I don't know if they did do it in Macy's. Oh, you're saying they won't play it in Macy's. But if I'm being honest with you, this was an ongoing thing. It wasn't a one-off. Oh, okay. They had a relationship. They had a relationship and it was ongoing.

There was a time Mrs. Claus called our house and my mom wasn't there. And she started to chew me out and I'm like, look, I don't have anything to do with this. Was Deborah married at the time? Deborah was married. She was married to my dad. That's got to be hard to be caught in the middle like that for you. Yeah, it was. My dad set me down. And for your father to be such a cuck. Yeah. Come on, Scott. Come on.

I mean, I know we didn't call him that. back in the 50s. No, we didn't call them that. The term cuck was very popular during Shakespeare time and then took a long nap until recently. Well, let me tell you what Santa Claus told me. Santa Claus sent to me

that every husband dreams of seeing their wife get made love to by another, by another, by another. Yeah. Oh, by another. Not just a magical creature such as himself. No, no, no, no, not necessarily, no.

So I never got married. I wonder if maybe, you know, Santa was on your, you know, your, your, your mom's list. What is that list? Not a bucket list. What is a list? Her fuck list? Her fuck list? Thank you so much.

All I can think of it was bucket list. Fuck list. Okay. I just called it a fuck it. A fuck it list. Yeah, they should. Fuck it list. Yeah.

I don't know, you know, at that time, Deborah didn't talk to me about that sort of stuff. We still had this sort of son, the son mother rapport going. Yeah, that would be unfortunate for your father. if, like, you know, she puts on Santa on her list, and he's just now, like, free all year and able to come by the house all the time. And he did, and he did all the time, because he can't. Especially during November, basically November, all 11 months besides in December, he's, he was in my house. He was at, he's chilling.

Actually, I have a half-sibling, and I didn't come say that on the song. Yeah, I have a half-sibling. So your mother gave birth to Santa's baby? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they tried to, they tried to, you know, at first she tried to say that it was sort of immaculate conception situation. They all try that. Yeah. Wait, but so what's interesting is she tried to say immaculate conception.

There was no effort on her part to say it was your father's child. Automatically, no one's buying that. The pregnancy presumed that she and your father were not sexual with each other at all. You know, I hadn't thought about that, but, yeah, I guess, I guess I at that age, yeah. Maybe, maybe when the baby came out, it would have been obvious that it wasn't your father's child from its looks. Yeah, yeah. Because I don't know if you guys know.

No testicles is what I mean. Okay. All right, Scott. I wasn't going to look at my baby siblings balls. Okay. That's weird. Why not? I think that's the perfect time to check it out.

Just make sure everything's okay. No. That's like, that's the only time. It is cool. Any older than six months, you want to avert your gaze. Okay. All right. Listen, guys.

I just want to get this off my chest. Sure. I think it was really fucked up with Santa Dady. He broke up a really happy home. I had a pretty happy childhood up until that point, but I got robbed. So I don't really like this time of year. And it makes me kind of nervous being on here and talking about this. Yeah, you're telling your truth, which is great. I mean, it's been 70 or 80, no, 70 years in the making year.

You're an elderly gentleman at this point. I mean, you're probably, I don't like to speculate on when you'll die, but it certainly is closer to you than it is further from you. Scott, that's not cool. That's really not cool. I hope this brings you, I hope this kind of talking about this brings you some peace from a lifetime of trauma.

That's right. You know, this is, you know, speaking your truth has got to be very cathartic. Yeah, I'd say, I'd say it is. And no chance you guys, just so I can get it off my chest, want to hear what I saw. Sure, yeah, but please.

Yeah, tell you. Yeah, get granular with it, every detail. Be explicit. Let's make sure, by the way, Kevin, we need to put an explicit marker on this podcast. So that little E, the little red, you know, box with a white E in it next to this episode. So everyone knows we're going to get very explicit now. Okay, here we go. Yeah.

Contact the PMRC. Here we go. Yeah. So I'm in my bedroom. Slower. Slower. Are you trying to make this? podcast boy i'm trying i'm trying to tube in this okay see

are you totally tubing this i don't i don't i don't want i don't want please don't pull it if it happens on a podcast is legal no one can fire me please don't pull it out scott please don't pull it out scott okay i'm in my bedroom i'm reading comics and um uh i'd ask santa that year for um from the silver age Scott do you have to keep do you have to keep do you have to keep do you have to keep on with the dick. Scott, I admit, I look good for my age, yeah? I'm just saying the comics are from the silver age. That's traditionally the silver age started in the 50s. Okay, but I mean, you keep pointing out how old I am, Scott, and it's like,

I look good for my age, right? No, you look great. I mean, I'm not in the market for what you're selling, but were I to be, damn. Well, Scott, I'm not gay. That's what I'm saying. You're not in the market to sell. I'm not in the market to buy. We're just going to pass each other. I wasn't selling it. Yeah, no, we're certainly in this. market, but we're just going to pass each other. This is, like, this vibe, this chemistry is crackling. Jason, I look good for my age, right? Oh, incredibly handsome.

Why you're fishing, because we're not hanging our poles off the pier. I don't mind saying, sir, you look fantastic. And I only think for you to unburden yourself from this traumatic experience is going to only make you feel as good as you look. You look great. You have like a Danny Glover meets Morgan Freeman on the bad side of the bucket list. Okay. Well, that's weird because I'm white.

Okay. Hey, I can compare you to those actors, and it's a compliment. They're distinguished, is what I'm trying to say. Okay. Okay. Never been compared to those guys. They're awesome guys. They're awesome.

Who do you want me to compare you to? Clint Eastwood? Clint Eastwood? Did you just say Clit Eastwood? Clit Eastwood? Okay. Now, we need to censor that out. What I saw, okay, what I saw in my bedroom, I'm playing comics, I'm reading comics, and I hear

heavy breathing. I hear heavy breathing coming from my mom's bedroom. And I think finally mom and dad are back at it. The family's going to be saved. You're relieved. You're 17 years old. You're relieved that they're back at it. You want a sibling.

I want a sibling. You know, a lot of people get upset. When they've hit 16, 17, whatever, and their mom has another child because they go, they go, there's such a big gap. Sure. But I like that I had to have my childhood and then, you know, and then another one's going to come. But speaking of a big gap, your mom is getting hers filled. You can hear this in the other room. I was actually a pretty small baby when I was born.

So I wouldn't call it a big gap. And I don't want to talk about my mom's pussy. Okay. All right. No one's forcing you to. Just tell your truth. Tell your truth. So I hear heavy breathing and I head to the I head to the I head to um you can probably take out some steps by the way just in you told me details you know what I want I want it piece by piece okay okay so you don't need to count the number of steps that you took to bear I'm not going to do that but I should I should paint the picture we live in a single family home there's two bedrooms one and a half baths um

The garage is attached. The yard's not too big, not too little. I just want to say for the listeners, the picture that you're painting is beautiful. Beautiful. And by the way, I saw a three-bedroom tutor recently that has the exact specifications that you mentioned there. Okay, well, this one was a two-bedroom.

This was a two-bedroom. Okay, yeah, but very similar, I think. But this was, by the way, going for $3.2 million in L.A.? I mean, it's just crazy what's going on with the market these days. Anyway, go ahead. yeah so yeah uh so wait how is the market the market is it going up or down it's so strange you would think during the pandemic everything would be down but no i mean it's crazier than ever anyway go ahead with your story okay all right okay so two bedroom house two and a half one and a half baths attached garage attached garage yards big not too big we do not have a chimney um no fireplace my dad really always wanted a fireplace my dad loved on suite um one of them is on suite um one of them is on suite Yeah, one's an unsweet. So, it's kind of a cold day.

Obviously, it's December. Sure, it's December, yeah. It was cold, yeah. It was actually not even Christmas Eve. That's what this is all, where I got grown up. What month is this? Well, it's December. Okay, all right.

But it's like early December. If I remember the day exactly, I would say it was probably the 10th of the 12th. Yeah. 10th or the 12th. This is 1951 because the song was released in July of 1952. All right. Stop aging me, all right, bastard. Okay, stop aging me.

I'm going to ask you to compress this story as we still have a lot of show to get through. Oh, okay, okay, because you guys want to get to what I saw. Sure. I mean, at this point, we have yet to get into the room and talk about what you see. I'd like to get into the room where it happened. Sure. Right, right. So my parents' room, that's the one.

with the on-suit bathroom. Great. It's the unsweetened bathroom? And is that the one with the full, that's the full bath, the shower? That's the full bath. Okay, great. We would call it, you know, when I was coming up, and even up until recently, we would call it a master bedroom. But it's not PC.

No, we can no longer call them the master bedrooms. Now all bedrooms are equal. Well, it's just that no one bedroom is in charge of the other bedrooms. Sure, of course. They're all autonomous. Yes. Okay. So my mom's in there, and I hear the heavy breathing.

And I get it. We've covered this. I'm relieved. We've all been discussed previously. I get in there. So first, though, you heard the heavy breathing. And you're relieved, though. I want to make sure that we stress that.

Being and relieved, so you're using the half bath usually. I. So. Which is not an suite. That's, you have to walk down the hall. Normally, yeah, I have to walk down the hall to the out of suite bathroom. Is it far? And it was a nice bathroom.

It was just a shower. Only, there was, there was, it's a shower. Okay, there's no bath, though. So it's a little more than a half. It's a three quarter. Yeah, exactly. So there's a shower, no tub. But weirdly double sinks in that, double sink in that.

Oh, that is weird. Yeah. Was it a flip? Maybe, I mean, a lot of times these people like think they're putting. in something nice, but they don't think about the actual... It might have been a flip. I could text my dad. I mean, this is 1951.

I would imagine that it's all different by now. Unless your parents still live there and they've never sold to. No, no, no, they don't. My mom moved to North Pole. And... Oh, so she's... Whoa. Wait, is she Mrs. Clause?

The second Mrs. Clause, yeah. Oh, damn. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, damn is right. Oh, damn is right. I'm going to give you 30 seconds to describe what you saw. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So just hit us with it.

My mom put a mouth on the windbreaker. There was no balls. And then I heard the heavy panting was actually coming from her. Santa totally silent. And then there was sweating. There was breathing. There was, you know, you know how sex finishes. I saw that. But you're the one who saw it. So you watched it. Yeah. You told me to hurry up. So. Okay. All right. So basically. nothing that we hadn't gleaned from everything that you've discussed before.

It was pretty rudimentary intercourse between your mother and Santa. Do you just go around? Some oral, I guess. You consider oral to be rudimentary, Jason? God, lucky guy. I mean, yeah, I think, I think oral sex is part of. Oh, boy. That's true.

That's true. Wow. Okay. I think oral sex is part of a healthy relationship, especially during foreplay. But what about when you're not? That's not, you're not, for play, for play, for play. I know what for play is. Yeah, well, I would hope so.

I look, by the way, I've never even asked you your name. Mark, Mark. Oh, Mark. Okay, well, Mark, I'm so sorry to hear this. But you got it out there. If it's mentionable, it's manageable. I hope that you feel better getting this off your chest. Thank you.

Heaving, barrel-like chest. You're a very big guy, is what I mean to say. sort of a Danny Glover meets Morgan Freeman type. I mean, you don't have to, like, keep qualifying people by their looks and body types. Yeah. Like, if those two met at the gym every morning and we're just, like, pumping iron, you know? I don't like that. I don't like that.

All right. Well, I apologize. We do need to get to our next guest if that's all right. I think that works. You can stick around? No, I'm going to get out of here. No, please don't. Please stay.

She is, this is exciting. She hasn't been on the show in a minute. She travels the world. Someone call her a people hunter or an inspector, certainly a one-person hunter. Please welcome back to the show, Chief. Season's greetings, come shoot. Yes, season's greetings to you, Chief. Tits the season.

Tits the season. Oh, wow. Speaking of chess. Wow. My goodness. Chief, so wonderful to see you. Wonderful to see you. It is wonderful to see you, too, Scott.

Tits the season. Yes, thank you. Season's greeting. It is the holidays. Yes, it is. And my work doesn't stop. I am pussy deep in clues on the trail. And that's still the same trail as always?

Same trail as always. For those of you who have never heard Chief on the show before, Chief is out there looking for a very specific person. That grazing gravel truss, Carmen San Diego. That's right. She has eluded your grasp for decades at this point. Chief, does the holidays make Carmen San Diego easier to find? Is she likely to try and see family or do anything that you can kind of grab in on?

Yeah. I mean, usually people take a break on Christmas. It's like anytime you see. a war movie, you know, and they say, oh, we're going to have a ceasefire on Christmas. It's like, come on, guys. This is the perfect day to attack. The holidays, in fact, make her harder

to find. Really? Wow. Her milky white thighs and supple milky breast blend in with the snow. Two milky things on her body. So milky. Oh, her body's milky, Scott. Full of milk. What about those ankles? Are those milky?

Those ankles are milky and ashed of clove. What? Okay. Hey, how would you describe Mark's chest over here? I thought it was a barrel, like a barrel chest, like a Danny Glover kind of means Morgan. Are you speaking of this? Are you speaking of this white man? Yeah, this white man right here. He gives me a Lawrence Fishbird. Uber Gooding Jr. vibe. I don't, I don't like that. Yeah. Okay. Sorry, Mark, but I don't like that. There's no one. Could you guys name? There's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's. no one what, Scott? I just, those are the four actors

that I see you as. I don't know what it is about, it's just something about their essence. You're giving me a Lorenz Tate. You're saying that this is their essence? Yeah. How am I giving you Lorenz Tate? You're giving me Lorenz Tate. Tay Diggs.

What about me says Tay Diggs? Go. Tell me. What about me? What about me says Tay Diggs? Your whiteness. the fact that you are a white man and a talent you're giving me the vibes of these great actors

what about Denzel Denzel Washington But also none of these guys look alike Like Denzel meets his son John David Washington Denzel's son Okay none of these guys look alike None of these guys look alike

I don't know what it is about them This isn't about looks Scott if I may This isn't about looks It's a gravitas you hold Yes, a certain seriousness And direction of purpose All right

Well anyway, Chief I don't know It's great to have you Chief as a detective Are these the important things That you need to be kind of The clues that you need to follow? Yes, these are the clues

I am a people reader I read people And so that's why A people reader is, yes I'm a people reader One who reads people Chief, okay Could you read me and tell me

Am I ever gonna heal from what I saw And maybe find some love myself? I'll read you Look at that dusty shirt Dusty Those dusty pants Those ashy shoes You have kind of a pig pen

quality about you as well. And maybe throw some moisturizer on those shoes, I guess. Yeah, I guess. Put some lotion on those shoes, Mark. And then put it in the basket, please. Yeah, okay. Or else it gets the hose again. Of course.

So, Chief, you're back on the case, but it's going to be difficult to find Carmen on Christmas. Are you going to take it easy this year? What are you going to do? I mean, I can only imagine it's been very difficult to search the world when we're in the middle of a global pandemic.

It has been very difficult, Scott. But I shalt stop. You shalt, okay. So what are you going to do on Christmas then? I am going to put on my mask in gloves and board a United Emirates Airlines flight to Dubai. Okay. To Dubai.

Why? Dubai. Because I've gotten a clue that Carmen San Diego is hiding at the top of the Burj Khalifa. Oh, wow. Island of Dubai. Okay, well, I mean, this is a hot tip. So I'm going to go, strip naked, oiled myself down. I'm the side of the birds, Khalifa.

Before you get on the plane? Before I get on the plane. Oh, no. This is not safe. Just because you're wearing a mask and gloves doesn't mean you can be nude other than that. I refuse to take off my mask and gloves. Those are the rules. They don't mention anything about clothes.

You're going to naked mission impossible this? Yes. Exactly. So I don't slide down. I only slide up. Wow. Well, I mean, I hope you find her, Chief. I mean, you've been searching for so long. It has been a mini moon, Scott. But I feel, I feel it's coming. I feel it's coming, babe. Sure, of course. Did you co-write that weekend song? I don't like to talk about my musical trapping. Wait, you have a whole musical career that you don't like to talk about? I've written a lot of songs.

Well, like what? The Human Leagues, I'm Only Human. Oh, wow. Amazing. Produced by Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. Yes, sir. Ralph Transmens sensitivity. Mark, you remind me of Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis.

All right. Okay. Come on. Come on. Remember when they were like dancing in the time, you know? Come on. Behind Morris Day. Morris Day kind of too, yeah.

Scott, please name me. a white guy. I'll think of one. I'll definitely think of one. Come on. I got a question. I got a question for Chief. Chief, chief, have you considered being a pastor? Have I considered being a pastor? You know, I'm not the most religious. Oh, really? What do you believe? Like, are you slightly religious or? I am agnostic. Oh, okay. So, atheistically agnostic. Oh, so you're atheistically agnostic. So then you are probably just an atheist. No, there's something there. I just don't believe in it.

You don't think it's a god. It may be aliens. I see, I see. And if it is there, you don't believe it. I don't believe. Why do you ask, Mark? So you think there's something there, but you don't believe there's something there. You're sure there's something there, but you definitely don't believe in it.

Exactly. Atheistically agnostic. Got it. Why do you ask, Mark? Do you have a suggestion? Yeah, you just got the voice of a pastor and said, yeah. Yeah, you sound like a pastor. John Lewis, speaking of which, you kind of remind me of John Lewis.

The fallen soldier? Yes. I mean, before, before he was dead, obviously. All right. I'm starting to get dark, Scott. You're giving me Ralph Abernabee. You know, I really. You know, this is actually, this is interesting and informative for me because I don't really hang out around too many people.

And I was willing to do this because I knew it was going to be Zoom. We'd be separate. So people don't really get to see what I look like because I stopped taking care of myself a while back. Well, I mean, you're an 80-something-year-old gentleman. I mean, you know, there's not much to take care of anymore. Is there a reason you keep saying it, Scott? I'm just trying to get, I'm giving you an out, you know what I mean? I mean, you know, I mean, once you hit a certain threshold, for me, it was about a year ago.

You don't care anymore And you just don't have to take care of it Now I know I should put some freaking lotion on my shoes And for Jason it was about 10 years ago 15 years ago when was it? Yeah, it gave straight up It's over Shut it down

Okay, all right Let it go Well, I'm still trying I'm still trekking along and trying Because I do hope to find a partner myself You know, I was going to say Mark As your experience with your mother and Santa Claus Left it difficult for you to be in a relationship

It has, because I feel like I'm never going to measure up to Santa balls, whatever. Santa didn't have any balls. Well, you know, I have to say out of everyone on this show, there is an eligible bachelorette currently on the show with us who is not in a relationship and maybe we could make a love connection here. Chief, I mean, you're not dating anyone. Who? Me?

I'm pussy deep in pussy. What does that mean, though? I am I am a I am in these streets Scott sure I know you're in these streets always but are you a lesbian I'm sorry yeah pussy deep in pussy also pussy deep in Santa balls I have I don't discriminate you're you're you're you'll take all comers but I'm saying Mark over here yeah are you on the apps chief I'm on hinge bumble raya tinder Plenty of fish. Farmers only.

Coffee meets bagel? Coffee meets bagel. Have you tried J-Date? J-Date? M-Date for Muslims. Speaking of Muslims, you're giving me an honorable Elijah Muhammad vibe. All right, look, we have to take a break.

When we come back, are you guys sticking around? Mark and Chief? Oh, sorry, yeah, no, I have to go. Okay, great to have you on the show. Chief, you stick it around or... I can hang for a little bit until I receive an email on a clue. All right, great.

We still have so much more show to get to. We will be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang, Bang, Bang. We're here. Jason Manzukas is, of course, still with us. Of course, Jason Manzukas fame. And we also have Chief is here still with us.

Season's greetings, gum, shoes. Thank you so much. That's your seasonal catchphrase, of course. And it would not be a comedy bang bang, end of the year, spectacular without having one of our favorite employment positions, people representing the entrepreneurial spirit on the show. That is right. We have two entrepreneurs who have never been on the show before. Please welcome for the first time, Nookie and Tootie, who own a general store. Welcome, guys.

Hi, thank you so much. Thank you, Scott. Thank you for having us. Yeah, my pleasure. You guys sound as if you're from the southern part of the United States. Is that a correct assumption on my part? We're from southern Utah. Yeah. Southern Utah. Hurricane Utah. Okay. Hurricane is the name of the town? Wow. Yeah. Hurricane Utah. Do many hurricanes reach Utah? I'm not quite sure what the climate is like there.

No, the climate's pretty dry. No hurricanes. So what was it named after the, I guess the boxer? Yeah, it was named after the Bob Dylan song Hurricane. Yeah, right about that boxer that kind of reminded me of our previous guest, Mark. So you guys are in Hurricane, Utah, and that is where your store is located? That's right. Yeah, we run a general store, and we specialize in making custom shadows of cowboys. Now, a quick question.

For a general store. Is it smart to specialize in something? There's all the general stuff. We have everything in the store, you know. Oh, okay. Because I was going to say, it sounds like a specialized store. So it's a general store, but one section of it is specific? Yes.

So we sell, you know, we sell everything. We sell IUDs. We sell Numerings. We sell blow up. From IUDs to Nicorette. Okay, so it sounds like a pharmacy in many ways. And we sell these shadows of Cowboys, which is our main business. industry. That's how we make most of our money.

So, yeah, it's barf carpet's general store. So it seems like why keep your general store stocked if you're not making? I mean, you're selling everything in the general store. That's a lot of inventory. Yeah, that's a tremendous amount of money going out to stuff that sounds like you're not selling much. If you're mostly just selling Cowboy Shadow cutouts. They're not cutouts. They're not cutouts.

Oh, sorry. They're custom silhouettes. Maybe we should be focusing on this and not the general store part. With its very specific set of items. Tudy, Tudy, do you want to get into the details? Oh, he's Tudy. I assumed that you would be Tudy. No, she's nuky.

I'm Tudy. Okay. Are these nicknames or are these your God-given? God-given. I don't think God gives us names. Your Christian names. God gave them to us. Who says there's a God?

You do. You just don't believe in it. I just don't believe in it. But that's what up there. So what are, explain this business of yours. Okay. So you've seen these shadows of cowboys. Some people call them silhouettes.

Usually there's a cowboy and he's kind of leaning up against something and he's got his hat down. Are you talking about the real phenomena of an actual cowboy making a shadow, a real shadow? Is that what you're talking about? Right. But we create a semblance of. of what a cowboy shadow looks like. Do you understand where the silhouette is? I don't often see cowboys leaning against an establishment on a sunny day in order to see their shadow.

So this is not an occurrence that comes along very often for me. So when you say you know how when you see a cowboy, I mean, this is a specialty situation for me in my general life. Right, but you know. Okay, no, you're right. You know, but it could be, you know, he could be leaning up against. a building, but also, you know, we do, cowboys doing all sorts of things. You know, cowboy on a four-wheeler,

cowboy on a jet ski. Just so long as he's a cowboy, we can make a shadow of it. Yeah. So a cowboy sitting on a toilet eating at the genitals. And then where do you, where does one, after purchasing it, you, where does one put this? Well, you put it, traditionally people put it outside their property,

their ranch style property, and they put their address numbers on it, you know. Or you might put a slogan. on it like happy valentine's day cowboys or you know we do fun we do more specific ones you know even more specific than that well we do real specific ones you know for example we had one um the lady purchased recently which said you know honk if you think nancy pelosi has fangs and then the neighborhood was just honk honk honk honk honk oh okay interesting has fangs so it can be political in nature. It can be... I don't even know that that's political, Jason. I mean,

she has fangs? Is that intimating she's a vampire? Or she just has sharp canine-like teeth? I'm assuming it's some sort of slight against Nancy Pelosi. But it can also, as Tuckie was saying, I believe, it can also be a reference... Tudie, sorry.

Tudie, it can also be a reference to wishing Cowboys a Happy Valentine's Day. So is whatever the message is coming out of the cowboy's mouth? Is there like a cowboy word balloon? Yeah, where's the message? I'm not picturing these, exactly.

And you said they're not cutouts. Is it a message to be delivered to the cowboy, or is the cowboy delivering the message? You said they're not cut out, so I'm, I don't know how these are manufactured. Well, we cut them out of material, but they're not cutouts. Like, they're, there are simulations of cowboys in real life situations. Okay. But they're made out of wood. Yeah.

Well, wood or they're wood. Metal is you. They're not material. They're not cloth. No, you can make them out of. Like, you can make them out of metal if you don't want them to be tampered with, but, you know, let's say... So a lot of people tampering with the wooden ones? Yeah.

Or, you know, if your ex is a cowboy and you want to be like, you know, have it, say, my name is John stenciled on it and then set it on it and then set it on it. And then set it on it. And, you know, we can do big messages. I mean, sometimes we do, we do the little bubble. like you guys were talking about. Oh, like in the Silver Age comic books, a little dialogue bubble? Uh-huh. Sure. What do I want for lunch, says the cowboy, as he sits on a toilet, eating a Quiznose sandwich. Wow.

It could be, you know, we had one where a cowboy is just in one of those lines at the airport waiting to go. Did you have to do the shadows of the planes and the kiosks and all that in order to simulate the airport? Yeah, it was a whole. scene, all made of wood. The whole scene. Where'd you get all that wood? Well, we have a wood ranch. Oh, you, you, meaning there are trees on your ranch?

What do you mean when you say a wood ranch? Yeah, you know, there's like a little forest area back there, but we call it a wood ranch. How many, how many heads of wood do you have? Oh, 50, 60. Oh, okay, so not many. No, usually we have to go to Home Depot to fulfill bigger orders. Okay. How close is the Home Depot to you, by the way?

15 minutes away. Oh, wow. Okay. So, yes, go ahead. Nookie or whatever your name is. She's Nooky. I'm too. At this time of year, do you guys have a lot of holiday-themed cowboy cutouts? We do. And we just want to say, you know, this is a great year to buy from Barf Carpitz General Store

because it is the last Christmas movie. will ever have. And what's the website for that? Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, Jason, did you just hear that? Record scratch. Pookie, yeah, right, thank you, Chief. We need to have a sound effect of a record scratch on this show sometimes to make us realize that something astounding just happened.

You think that this is the last Christmas that we're ever going to have? Yes, this is the last Christmas. Why would you think that? I mean, we're almost out of the woods here on the, you know, I mean, we're still a few months out from everyone getting vaccinated, and who knows if we trust those things, right? But absolutely not. We just made a cutout of a cowboy saying, you will not put that vaccine anywhere into my body. And it was made out of metal, so you can't even set it on fire. But why do you think this is the last Christmas?

We just know it is. We know, you know, everyone in the community has been talking about it. It's the last Christmas. The Palligs agree. Oh, wow. You know? The Palligs agree. The polygamists? Yeah, the Pallig's. They agree. That's what you call them. Do they like being called Palligs? It seems like a slur. They love it. Yeah, they love it. If you can get close enough to yell it at them, they love it. They don't, they keep a tight perimeter.

Uh-huh. Especially as a guy. Try to get close to a group of Palligs as a man outside of the community. You get run right out of town. We can't even send Tudy anywhere near. Colorado City, that's where they all live. So Tudy even drives by, there's a huge group of polygs just after him, running him out of town. The more you say it, the more I'm convinced you shouldn't be saying it. And, you know, I mean, it's not like I want to protect the practice of doing that necessarily. It seems like you really love that community. Yeah, you love it, Scott.

It just seems distasteful to be throwing that around. But so, but I don't understand why everyone agrees that this is the last Christmas. I mean, it seems like everyone, you know, I mean, a 20-21 is going to be on the rebound. Well, we had a really big moment where a lot of our cowboy cutouts, we had, you know, we were filling a bunch of orders. And all of a sudden, we came outside and they had all fallen down into shape. That seemed like a Satan shape. Like a pentagram or in the, like, like it looked like an outline. of the devil.

Like that. And I turned, I turned to Tootie. And I looked him in the eyes. And we both said at the same time, this is the last Christmas. Yeah, Tootie, you were really soft on that. You're sure you said it at the same time? And you're sure neither of you was just singing the song Last Christmas. I gave you my heart.

Exactly. This Christmas will be the last Christmas. I'm not much of a singer and I'm not good with lyrics I think that's how the song goes. You should just stay away from music then. I mean, those are the two main things. I wrote that song.

Oh, that was one of the songs you wrote? Yes. I used to tour with Wab. What? Were you Pepsi or were you Shirley? Neither. I was Chief. Oh, okay.

Pepsi Shirley and Chief. Oh, my gosh. So how are you? finishing out the year then if you think this is the last one we'll ever see when do you think the year is ending by the way December 31st 2020 that's when the year traditionally ends but it's definitely ending this year so we only have a few more days here until wow I mean we've been feeling our time you know like completing orders for custom cowboy shadows a lot of why bother if the world have any custom cowboy shepherds

shadows that are like standing over standing casually leaning up against a building while the apocalypse happens like a mushroom cloud a shadow does a mushroom cloud make a shadow like a casual a casual cowboy standing atop a mass grave we do sure sure we do I'm sad to say that uh you know there was a run on cowboy shadows leaning against a wall with their hats down with the twin towers behind them a few years ago oh yeah I bet and then and it was a certain Plus, and so those are standing outside Barf Carpet General Store, and honestly, some people love it and they honk and other people, they become enraged and they come inside the store and they tell us that we should take those down.

Yeah. Right. And those are the people that say 9-11 didn't happen? Yeah. Or the ones who think it was a controlled demolition? Yeah, people will come in, though. You know, we have a lot of like... Or that the whole thing is a hoax and the buildings are.

still there? Yeah, it's just a David Copperfield situation. Like, he got involved. What happened to building? Hunk, if you think the buildings are still there. And, you know, come to think of it. Hunk seven times, if you think building seven was a controlled a controlled explosion. But come to think of it, guys. The shadows on the wall usually occurred during a nuclear explosion. That's what happens. You know, you see the just shadow of, is that what got you guys interested in this, the thought that the world is about to end? I mean, sure. Yeah, I think we've always, you know. Don't just say sure because I'm leading you into it. I mean, is it true or is it not true?

I think we both have thought that the world was going to end ever since we met each other. And this year just happened. When was that, by the way? Was that on an app? No, this long before apps were high school sweethearts. Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, how old are you? Because apps have been. been around for a, you know, a good 10.

Well, I'm a lot younger. Yeah, I'm 57. How much younger? I'm 57 and Nikki is 38. So when you say high school, sweetheart, she was in high school and you were, and I was sweet on. You were already like in your 30s. I was a chairleading captain, but mostly, you know, they didn't let me chair.

So I was on the sidelines. Why? Because of sort of just my attitude. How did you become captain if you have a bad attitude? Because everyone was a little scared of me. And so they didn't want to anger me so they made me captain. But usually, you know, I'd be doing it. Sort of what happened with our current president.

It works. It does. It works. And I would be doing a cheer and I'd be like, you know, rock. Steady. the world is going to end. You guys need to run. Everybody get home, get into your cellar.

And that is when Tudy, you know, once I got kicked off, sort of on the silence, Tudy started chatting me up. I came up through in the parking lot. I was a sheriff of the town and I said, probably the smoothest thing I've ever said, I said you're arrested for stealing my heart. Wow. And no one could arrest you for. statutory, you know, whatever it is you did with, with Nuky or Nuky?

I'm Nuky. I don't like the way you say that. Nuky. Nooky, okay. Nuky. Because you're the sheriff. If you're in charge, you're the one who enforces the laws. Yeah, I don't like Nuky.

But people keep calling us Nudian Dookie. Stop it. Who are these people, as Seinfeld said? The PILIGs. All right, stop it with the bligs. Stop it with that. I don't want to hear you say that again. You can't cut it out now.

Do you guys, does your general store cater to the Pallig's community? Oh, sure. They come in. They did all our tile. Our whole, the whole general store is covered in tile, and they did it. That's nice. They're good at that. But they don't come in for most of our products.

You know, most of our products are IUD, Newvering. A lot of birth control. And then silhouette cutouts of Cowboys. By the way, all this birth control is just by all accounts, from what you've told us, is just staying on the shelves for years. Are they still good? They need to be kept to refrigerated. Oh, wow. And we don't have refrigerators.

Oh, okay. So, no one, yeah, I would dissuade anyone from buying that from you then. Oh, yeah. Well, we tell people those are placebos, and most likely do not work. You have a whole placebo aisle in your general store? Yep. Pop a couple of those and have intercourse. Well, guys...

When there's a vaccine available, will you guys be distributed in a hurricane? No. Absolutely not. No. Why is that? I just... The cowboys that refuse the vaccines are actually based on my silhouette. Oh, interesting.

But you're an anti-vaxxer, is that right? By the way, anytime we ask you a question, a yes or no question, feel free to elucidate about the reasoning behind the yes or no. I'm going to say, sure. Don't just stop at the yes or no. sure you know like i don't know why it's so fucking hard to get this out of you guys yeah wow wow wow wow i think we've been giving you a lot of details and a lot of really interesting stuff rich personal history that you don't find it so interesting don't make chief interrogate you okay because she's willing to do it here where were you on

the night of april 4th nineteen eighty three oh i was not born yet and i was you were about 20 or so. Is that right? I was pacing outside the hospital, fingers crossed, hoping my future wife would be born. Oh, this is the night before you were born? Oh, gosh. All right. Well, look, Tudy and Nuky. Nuky. Nooky, sorry. We need to get to our next guest. Can you guys stick around? Is that?

Sure. Are you down with the nookie? I am. And so is Tudy. Oh, interesting. All right. Well, speaking of down, He has been down to be on this show several times, especially this year. We started an offshoot podcast together called We've Got to Stop Talking About TMNT on CBB. He is, I believe he's a manager at Gersh.

I don't know. And we've been quarantining together as well. I think he's an agent. I can't recall. I really should ask him this. He's my roommate during quarantine. Please welcome back to the show Sprigg the Whisperer. This is crazy, Scott, because you're not, first of all, I'm an agent, and I,

I represent you now doing live shows. I don't know if you remember this. You can't just say you're doing it. I'm your live show guy. You're as personal appearance agent? I'm your touring agent right now. Why sign me as a touring person now? Well, you've got to buy low, Scott.

I don't know if you... All right. Okay. First of all, Jason, good to see you. How are you doing? Great to see you. Hey, you know, you were on our show and you sort of forgot to talk about

your own personal Ninja Turtles project. Yeah, you were on the show and we were talking about everything about the Ninja Turtles. We talked for almost two hours. This guy over here just slipped his mind. Totally forgot you're in the current Ninja Turtle's cartoon. It's very true.

It's very true. We spent the whole time talking about the Ninja Turtles and I neglected to mention. And then weeks later, I'm talking to you on one of our comic book zooms and you're like, oh, hey, maybe I should have mentioned. I'm doing a voice on the Ninja Turtles. Which voice? Do you know what voice to do? I have appeared numerous times on the Ninja Turtles cartoon as a villain.

and I neglected to mention it to you, Sprague, and I'm so sorry. I am part of Ninja Turtles. First of all, I'm pissed, but it's okay. It's Christmas. Oh, boy, I got to calm down, Scott. I'm in a bad way right now. What is going on, Spray? I have upside down.

Yes, right? So, okay, you talked about me being an agent, and a lot of stuff is shut down, so I'm not working that much. So I've been trying to do a couple side hustles, Scott. Oh, really? What do you have going on? So, okay, so right now I'm way upside down on some PS5s. What, you can't sell them?

Okay, so I promised... This is the hottest toy of the season. Okay, so I mean, I would like one. Okay, so I promised at least 10 internet, eBay people. I guess they're called eBay people. I put up on eBay, 10 PS5s, you know, they're both, they're all $1,000 each. They sold out immediately, Scott. So first of all, I find out after that, these PS5s are hard to get, Scott.

Oh, you didn't have any at this point? No, no, I've been trying, I sent Lloyd, my assistant. I sent Lloyd down to the best buy. I was like, go get me like... Was Lloyd the Lloyd from... No, no, okay. He just doesn't know his actual name. I don't know his actual name, but I think it's fun to say Lloyd, like, yell it, like, sort of piven, you know.

So I sent him down to the Best Buy. There's apparently no PS5s anywhere, Scott. Yeah, that's why people are buying them for $1,000. Yeah, and apparently a lot of the eBay people that I sold my PS5s to are in the Yakuza, Scott. Oh, no. So I sold a PS5 to this guy, Yakuza 69. He's very pissed right now. I'm in a lot of trouble

Do you know where I can get a couple PS5s Jason Do you guys have PS5s? I have no idea I would like one myself And I haven't been able to get one So Wait powerful Jason Manzukas

Can't get his hands on a PS5 Wait you've already gotten the vaccine But you can't get a PS5 I can't get my meaty little pause on one That's crazy I heard Well I heard that Fauci got one of the first PFs 5s as soon as I heard that too

He was like If I'm going to give you guys the vaccine I need myself a little miles Marales, and they sent it to him right away. So wait, you guys own a general store, you two freaks down here? Nuky and Juky. Duky. So, Duke Nukes.

So you guys have a general store. Do you guys have any PS5s? Because I'm serious, right now, I'm in quarantine. Yeah, any PS5s have been sitting around dusting up the shelves? Absolutely. They're right next to the vodka and the menopause. So you do have, okay. So there's a few, it's next to the menopause stuff and the vodka?

What kind of organizing of the stores? is this? Is this by the Dewey Decimal system? No, the general stores in one general area and then the Cowboy shadows are prominent... Do you guys just sell a pile? You guys have a pile? Is that what it is? You go to it? Is it a pile of junk? A big thumbs up. Yeah, so it is a pile. Okay.

Interesting. Look, I don't know if I'm going to be able to sell any... By the way, this is an audio medium. Try to translate your thumbs ups into saying yes or no. I know I know I got on you about the just saying yes or no earlier. So don't just switch to thumbs up now. Yeah, that's better than a thumbs up still.

Change to all non-verbal answers. God. So, yes, Scott. You're like the opposite of Christopher McCory. No verbal. Okay, this is crazy. Look, I'm in a lot of trouble, Scott, and I need yours and Jason's help. What can we do? I mean, I don't want to get involved in the yakuza, but I guess I'm in this because I'm living with you and they're going to come. Let me be honest with you, Sprague, the Whisperer. If you really want to track down something that's very difficult to find, Chief is your best best. Chief's, no. No, no. He's seen to have not seen me here.

Knowing that I find things. I get my hands on things. Me and Chief have history. I didn't really want to... I didn't know we were going to be on at the same time, Scott. Oh, Chief got beef? I got Chief Beef. Chief Beef?

I got Chief Beef, of course. And do you remember... What happened? This call's giving me Chief Beef. Jason, that's not right. That's very un. You actually, what's that? New Pookie?

My name is Nuky, and we sell Chief Beef. at the General's store. Chief Beef Jerky? Chief Beef Jerky. It is made by our friend, Chief Beef. And... Wait, there's a friend on the reservation? There's somebody in Hurricane?

It could be a police chief. We don't know. That's true. It's one of the police. His name is... I don't like when you say that. That's worse than what I said. I'll be honest, when I was listening before, I was cringing hard.

I was like, they're going to have to cut a lot of this out. This show was super cringe. Here's the thing. So me and beef, me and chief, me and chief have beef. Chief meat. Boy, we're all getting good views here. Chief beef, delicious with Taziki sauce. We got beef.

And we were supposed to, so it was a lot of, like, distract stuff and we're supposed to do a versus battle, I heard. It's supposed to be me versus the chief where we're supposed to, like, spit our hottest bars and stuff. But I guess I dropped out because I didn't want to, I didn't want to rap, you know? I'm not good at it. Oh, I mean, that's a problem when you're doing. Yeah, well, you want to do it.

I feel like this. Guys, I feel like, listen, if Gucci and Jeezy can do it, you guys can put your beef aside and do it. Either we do that or we do like a Jake Paul, Nate Robinson boxing match or something. I was ready. I was at Magic City sitting on a throne, getting a lap day. I was very, I'll be honest, I was so intimidated by that because you were getting a lap dance and there were two women sort of jiggling around, and I sort of was watching from in the rafters, and I was like, Chiefs not even. Yeah, there were rafters.

I was like, Chiefs not even. Magic City is an arena. It's a big ass arena. I was like, Chief isn't even reacting to these women. Chief is just so focused on sort of battling me. I was so scared. I ran the fuck out of this, so I couldn't be a part of it, you know. Wow.

Well, you know, Chief, I've never heard you rap. We had another guest on the show who raps a lot. What was his name? I can't recall what it was, but... MC Sugarbutt. Oh, that's right, M.C. Sugarbutt, yes. He was a good rapper. Amazing rapper.

Everything had to rhyme with Scotty D. I recall. But you rap? Can we hear any of it? Me? No, I produce. Oh, but you were just going to produce in this battle? Yeah, Chief was behind a big DJ set up.

And Chief was going to drop a bunch of samples and then sort of like really Well, listen, Rizza and Premier did a verses as producers. Yeah. I was going to kill Sprague the Whisperer with all the songs I've produced. Yeah, and I was going to come in with just my large library of of ninja sounds from my sound bank. Oh, okay. And I thought I could come in there with some like,

whing, chain, for a change, trope, you sound like Tatiana impersonating the secret of the ooze. Oh, yes. It's a little Easter egg from our podcast, Scott. If you ought to get on that. Go to my Patreon. It's about to end. Listen, Scott.

Are we selling shirts, by the way? Are we selling the futures female shirts? I brought it up earlier in the show. I was quite, you haven't told me whether we're selling them. Okay, so, Scott, we are selling shirts. We came up with Jess McKenna. They're called The Future. female splinter shirt.

It just says the futures female and then just a pretty generic picture of splint of splinter. Just to confuse people. And I've got to say, the generic nature. Someone sent me a design and it was all designed up and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Less. I wanted to be more.

Yeah, too specific. It's too specific. There was one way it was like, you know, doing the like Rosie the Riveter thing. I was like, no, no, no, no. We just wanted to be confusing. I want the text to almost look like it didn't belong on there when it was put.

So it's the moment. But we're selling these now. People can get there. Well, where can we get them? We can go to T. Public. So I've got this assistant name Sean Diston now. He's kind of, come on. He's been publishing.

Isn't he a client of yours? I heard he had a really bad audition for this project that Judy Greer ended up starring. There's a lot of canon about this guy. I'd never peered on the pod, but he's my client turned assistant because he can't get any work. He's Lloyd. He is Lloyd, actually, if you ought to put it all together. And yeah, you know, so, so Scott, um, I, I, What the fuck were we just talking about?

I don't know. We were talking about, who knows? How have you done? Scott, can I ask you a question? How long have you been doing this today? How many hours?

Oh, how many? Oh, we're in our second, or over the hump of the second hour at this point. We do, we do like 40 minutes on my podcast, Scott, and I'm like, how do people keep talking this long?

I don't know. How do you do it? It's 12 years of this. I have no idea. It's crazy. Where were you going to say, poop, poop, poo?

What I was going to say is if you guys need somewhere to sell your shirts, you can sell your shirts, you can sell, it at barf carpets general store in Hurricane Utah. Oh, that's not where it is. Just throw it on the pile. And I just want to make sure you're saying barf carpets? Barf carpets. Yep, that's my last night.

Barf carpet. Tudy barf carpet. Now, Jason, I have been to the island of Harrigan, Utah. Are you ever on the island of the Misfit Toys? Speaking of Islands? The island of the Misfit toys. I am not allowed to speak of it. Sure, but it's how we, apparently Santa Claus

is on his way there right now. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, indeed. Look, Sprague, did you have something else you wanted to talk about? Yes, Jason, to answer your question, you've got to go to T-Public and then search, I guess, search Sean Diston, or actually search Splinter Features Female. Let's see what comes up. This is poor marketing. And when I said, do you have anything else you wanted to talk about, I guess, like, something else?

Otherwise, I'm pivoting to our next chance. Oh, no, I've got one more thing to talk about, Scott. Oh, okay, go ahead. I've got you a Christmas present. What? I'm sending it to your house. Why do my house? I'm living with you. Oh shit, you know what? I thought you were going to go home for Christmas and open.

Oh, no, this is a gift of the Magi situation. It's a gift of the Magi situation. I sent a gift that actually I wanted and I sent it to your house. Oh, no. Did you send me cones? Well, it was the only PS5 I could get my hands on, Scott. Oh, no, you sent it to my house and now the Yakuza's going to kill us? Hey, Scott, we're in a lot of trouble, man. Hey, I hope we make it to New Year's. You know what I mean? I don't know that we are. Maybe this is why Pookie and Pookie. think that it's the last Christmas because we're going to die. Hey, Scott, you know, now that our Ninja Turtle's podcast is ending,

maybe there's like a me and Scott on the run from the Yakuza podcast that could sort of keep my Patreon afloat. I don't know. What's going on with that? Yeah, maybe something like that. Yeah, it is, next week is our final episode. I believe our final episode is next week. And I don't know, Scott.

You know what, Scott, maybe there's more of it. Maybe there's just a podcast which is me and you, like, on a road trip, trying food in different cities. I don't know, Scott. Yeah, well, I don't know. that that's the right move right now. I want it. I want it.

Chief, you can piggyback on this, and perhaps Carmen San Diego has been seen in some of these eateries. Carmen San Diego loves Indian street food. All right, we'll find, we'll find this sexy milky lady. If you find a Dosa, Carmen San Diego has been there. All right. All right, well, Scott, I'll be thinking of a new spinoff because I can't go broke again, Scott. I understand.

We'll try to figure something out for the new year. But we'll talk about it on next week's episode, if that's all right. Okay, great, yeah, yeah, of course. All right, very good, but we do. No, I want to chime in because you keep calling me Pookie or Duky or whatever. Is your name just shit? It's nooky barf carpet, and that's Tudy Barf Carpet. And I can't believe that how insulting you're being, and you're calling me insulting about saying, you know, talking about the Pligues.

it's a double standard Did you take his name or did he take your name by the way? I took her or is it a hyphenate? I took her name. Is it barf and carpet were each of your names? Yeah, sure, it's a hyphenate. So again, when you say yep, yep, and you just end there. Yep.

Thumbs up, Scott. He's also doing a thumbs up. That's not healthy. Thumbs up, Scott. It's not going to elaborate. All right, two thumbs up. Double thumbs up, Scott. That's kind of an elaboration.

What do you think about it? All right. Well, that's why. an escalation. All right. Well, we do need to get oh gosh, I haven't even, I don't even know who it is. I never asked exactly, oh, okay. Look at the description. Okay, very good. We do

need to get to our next guest and tis the season of course. Tits the season. Tits the season, of course. And when you think of December, you think of Christmas and Boxing Day and gingerbread and all that. So please welcome to the show, Frankenstein. La la la la la. Hey, Scott.

Hey, Frankenstein. How are you? Merry Christmas and a ho, ho, ho. Thank you so much. This is a first time we're meeting, is that correct? As far as I remember, and I never forget a face, Scott. Oh, really? And you've been around since the, what, the 1700s or 1600s or something? Yes, to me I am ageless, but I would say those two eras sound good to me. I mean, the corpses that your body is made up of, I believe we're alive. They're a little bit older, yeah.

In that, in that general time. The 1800s, 1818 is when we first came to know your story. How did you think of that so quickly, Scott? It just popped in my head. I don't know what to say. I'm a fountain of useless trivia. Well, yeah, Daddy never told me if my bodies were alive or dead when he put them together to make me. Okay.

And you are Frankenstein's monster, not... I don't. Yeah, I'm not picky about that. At some point, kind of in the Twitter generation, people started parsing apart who's Frankenstein, who's the monster. You're Ackerman, but so's your dad, right? Sure, of course. I'm Frankenstein, so's my dad. I mean, my first name is Hank, but I go by Frankenstein. Hank Frankenstein. Hank Frankenstein. At Hank Frank Frank on all social media, at Hank Frank Frank on only fans. What are you doing? You have an only fan? All the stuff, you know, cock ratings, girlfriend experience, whatever you need on there. Oh, geez.

You can rate my cocks. So end us the late. People pay you to rate your own cock. Is that what I mean? By the way, is that made up of different dead bodies as well? It is, yes. Was it just a certain, did you get a good one? Like, did your dad go searching through the graveyard for like a Willchamberland looking guy?

My dad got me a standard cock with foreskin, and then I was circumcised at my bris. So we did the whole experience. And it's an average one. I don't think he wanted me to get overconfident. Oh, okay, got it. So he went searching for a Bob coozy type. It's interesting. A cozy cozy cozy cock?

Coosy cozy cock. Yeah, and I'm proud of my coozy cock. It does what you need. good team player, supportive. Sure. Peas and fucks. Those are the two uses. It tries.

Coup-Cube, you were going to say? I was going to say, so he gave you the cock, and then you had to circumcise it after the fact. Yes, yes. Was it a young boy's penis, and it grew along with you, or was it a...

Scott. I mean, I don't know. I'm getting different, you know, from the guests. Scott wants to know, Jason seems disgusted by the question. I can answer it to be fully open. In the rock paper, scissors of comedy bang, bang, I beat Jason. So you have to answer my question.

Okay. So you are rock and Jason is paper. Sure. I'm the rock. Jason is paper. Oh. And Sprague, I guess you would be scissors, Sprague? I'm schizers.

That's how you say it in London. I'm pretty sure paper beats rock. Just saying. Oh, yeah. I was totally wrong. I had two, I could have said two things, and I said the wrong one of the two. Can I just say something for Hank? You're so chill.

Like, normally when you hear about you, normally I'm like, this guy's so irritable. It's like, you're just, it's only to show there's no fire. You know, but we're sort of chopping it up, throwing ten questions at once at him. I thought that's the equivalent to verbal fire, if you will. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, verbal. Sprig.

I can take verbal fire. I can take real fire. I think I did like, I think people are holding my young self against me. I mean, what if you were two years old and fire freaked you out? You wouldn't want to be judged by that forever, you know? Exactly. And this is why I think cancel culture has gotten out of control. And that's why we talk about that on this podcast every week.

At least once or twice. We have a couple of shadows of a cowboy about cancel culture I'll tell you about. Oh, I thought you were going to say a couple of Frankenstein shadows. Would you make one? But you said it has to be a cowboy. Has to put a cowboy hat on them. But yeah, we'd make one for sure. What is the rule about the cowboy?

Why the cowboy hat? It's the shadow of a cowboy. That's what it's called. You wouldn't know it was a shadow without the cowboy hat. Is it just that it's easier to do the hat than the top of a head? It's so hard. Because the top of a head is just pretty round. No, it's so hard.

It's so hard to do the top of a head. It's so easy to do a cowboy hat. Well, I've seen some of the top of the head. the shadows. I've been to Barf Carp at General Store, and it looks like to you guys it's maybe hard to do cowboy hats, too. Absolutely. It's hard. It's all really hard.

I thought they were shadows of Raiden. I don't know what that is. Raiden from Mortal Kombat. I thought they were Raiden hats. I don't have the PS5 so I can't play them. You know, a lot of people think, Raiden or the lead character David Carradine from Kung Fu, the Legend,

continues. Yes. Yes, two of the most famous white men in appropriate of East Asian hats. They actually, all the cowboys look a little like David Keratin. Well, and a couple of them, unfortunately, look like late era, David Carradine, if you know what I mean. Absolutely. We can be explicit about that if you want. So, Hankinstein, why did you... Hank Frank.

Frank. Frank. Frank. Why are you here? Look, let's just get down to it. We're over the two hour mark. What are you doing here? Final guest, give it to us straight.

You're too relaxed to be batting clean up. I didn't know I was booked to come in hot. I apologize. Well, I would just assume looking at the lineup that maybe, you know, we were really trying to close up strong. Well, okay. Well, I'm getting the implication that you. you're not enjoying my appearance so far

so I'll step it up here. Hank, I'm having a great time. I apologize for Scott. I'm having a great time talking to you and I think you're doing diamond. Well, unfortunately, you are the paper and Scott is the rock so I do have to listen to what Scott said. I'm here because this is the season. If you're doing a holiday podcast, you have Santa

on, you have some sort of Jewish representation on, and you have Frankenstein. I mean, but we're seven weeks outside of Halloween, you know, and one doesn't normally think of Frankenstein when one thinks of? Do you do anything? Is there any kind of monster-specific Christmas activities, Hank?

Well, because I do them, do they have to be monster-specific? I enjoy all the same. Well, I guess what I'm wondering is, like, do you celebrate Christmas or the holidays with Dracula, Wolfman, the mummy? Yeah, do you guys get together all the time? Or is it like, I'm tired of hanging out with other

monsters? It's like, does a cast of friends hang out every year? No, we've done stuff before because we're associated. Yeah. And obviously, you know, we were hoping to get together more when the universal monster cinematic universe came back together. Of course. Yeah, the dark universe?

The dark universe? Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, so we'd see each other on set because we all epeed that stuff because of our likenesses. Wow. I think I recognize you. You got a good deal. You were at the, the, uh, WGA awards last year. Did that is that way we met? Yeah, yeah. I had a few too many white Russians at the WGA awards. Oh, yes. You were a real hoot. Thank you. Yeah. We got set.

It was, well, it was you, me, and the writer's room of Station 19, ABC Station 19, right? And Lodge 49. What is it? Lodge 49? So all the number shows hang out together? Yeah, I think it's for their organizational stuff. So it's like Lodge Station 68? Yeah.

Yeah, they keep adding it together. So it's all, all the, you know, if you could think of another numbered show in this moment. I don't think I can. My favorite number show is red. Rescue 9-1-1. Oh, okay. So that would be Rescue Lodge Station 979. Quick math from Scott Ockerman.

Wow. Oh, you sound like my friend Bill Walt? I know. Maybe I expected him. He was just on. He was just on. I know. He's just very energetic, I guess.

Gotta mix it up. Well, Hankenstein, do you hang out with other Frankensteins? Like, is that your family you guys? Oh, yeah. Dude, that great question, Sprague. my brothers and sisters, we all get together. Are you still married? Oh, well, my bride got a little tired of being defined by her husband.

So she changed back to her original last name, and now we are more of a legal partnership. Oh, what's her original last name? Look, you know, I never asked, but when we met... Like, we wouldn't have known. You could have just chosen any. Well, you know, there isn't, there isn't a right answer. That's what I thought with rock paper scissors and then I made a choice and I said the wrong thing. Yeah, it seems like you're very hesitant ever since then.

So, yeah, let's say, uh, Trump. Incorrect. Oh, whoa. Wow, you chose a, that's a wild one. Is that the only bad one I could have said? She sounds like a monster, too. But Hankinstein, isn't it true that you're in an open relationship? Didn't I hear that you guys are sort of open?

Yes, we went Polly, and we're both to guess. You went Pallig? Oh, shit. Full Pallig? No, Pallam. We're Pallam. Oh, you're Palam. Whoa, Black Betty. Palam.

Reminds me a mark. Hank, I'm currently on your only fans Trying to see what those feet do And these prices are They're astronomical Yeah, what are your prices here? Well, upkeep of my body is expensive There's a lot of plastic surgery and stuff

So 700 for feet stuff Um, and Wow So this only fans I'm on is just for feet stuff There's separate only fans for other body I guess they're other of human beings Yeah, only feats is that one. And so that's it, but those feet are always changing because I change out my corpse feet.

Oh, you swap out your part? Yeah, it's like, you know, you've got your dress feet, you've got your basketball feet, you've got your skating feet. What's the difference between your basketball feet? Well, the big difference, you know, is the basketball feet are the Kuzzi originals. And then the skating feet are Tony Hawk's, uh, feet. Tony Hawk's actual feet? He doesn't have feet anymore? No, which is why, you know, he can't do the 900 anymore. no wonder he retired but i can he lost his feet to frankenstein if you will i certainly will sprague thank you

my god what an amazing story i mean you're not here you say you're here because it's christmas you're not here just to get body parts from us are you well i am you know i always wanted those ears scott the ones on my head yes the one i mean those are the ears that have heard all the comedy from for generations and I wonder what it would be like to have those ears on my pretty little head. Oh, well...

Interesting. I don't think you want to come by Sprague's Man Cave to try to get my ears because, you know, the Yakuza is probably going to drop by any minutes. Honestly, one of those ears belongs to a high-level member

of the Yakuza already so I would not get in the way of that going on. Oh, I was in the Yakuza for most of the 30s. The 1930s? What other 30s would it be based on the year? The 1830s, we already established that you have been around since then. But I thought you remembered from the top of your head it was the 1880s that I came up.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it's possible. Well, no, let's stop and litigate it, Scott. Okay. No, the 1818 is when you... Oh, I misheard because of these damned ears. Okay, no wonder you have my ears. Hankinson.

Beethoven. Okay. I mean, why swap them for mine? Those ears. I mean, he is deaf, sure. Didn't he go deaf? Yes, so I have Beethoven's ears, and then I have the inner ears of a, someone with good balance. So like a gymnast, Mary Lou Retton?

Exactly, Scott. You don't have to say exactly because I'm feeding you to you. Just tell us the dudes. Well, I got a big thumbs up from Tootie and Doobie. hard to ignore those thumbs now that I think about it which is what I'm here for yes I do right now I've got Siskel and Roper's thumbs Oh did you say Cisco the thong song singer

So I've got one pair of thumbs that if I go to a Miami beach I could not control this thumb You shouldn't be doing black thumb by the way That's pretty odd but it's not painted black It is A blacked on my foot on. And thank you for... I mean, the rest of you is green. Let's just keep it green.

Yes, I have Paul the alien from the Seth Rogen movie's face. Whose butt do you have, hang? Because that thing is thick with two seas right now. Thank you very much. I'm checking out the only fans. That ass is talking about some shit. I'm getting, wow, I'm getting not only a lot of buys on my only fans from Chief, but a lot of DM requests. I'm on camera with you, Chief in this.

Chief is paying your rent this month. I'm going to need to explore some more. My plane is currently boarding, so that means I have to mask up, oil down. You've been doing this in line? Yes. You're at the airport? I'm at the airport. And you're masking up now?

I've had the mask off the whole time In a crowded holiday airport Is that why you have a cup of coffee from Oban Pan? I have a cup of coffee from Oban Pan. You have a Hudson News gift bag there. Yes, it's full of Slam magazine. Honestly, we should have known it with all the visual clues. Yeah, exactly.

I have my neck pillow. Guys, we're running out of time. I hate to say it. This has been so fun. We are running out of time. Wait, we've got to dig into Hankinstein for 20 more. I don't know that he has anything else. But his butt does he have?

And is the anus a part of the butt? Great question. Separate. And you could join my, what did I say? Only Hanks for that. To find out the information. Okay, okay. All right. Very good.

I guess we're done. Glad the momentum came to a halt. But we have one final feature on the show and that is, of course, a little something called Plugs. Step into your plug, my friend. You could comprise all the lies that you've been interviewing. And if you do need some publicity, that is called a plug.

You should really plug. That is called a plug. Then give Scott a hug. Oh, my good. The perfect song for an over two-hour show to put us to sleep. Oh, so languid. That was Plug-E-Blind by Paul Fart Burp Kopp.

Thanks to Paul Fart Burp Kopp for that. All right, guys, what do we plug in? J-Dog, what do you got? What's, where are we right now in the month? December 18th or so, somewhere in there. Okay. So season four of Big Mouth is out now on Netflix. If you want to do that

And of course, you can always listen to me on the How Did This Get Made podcast Right here on Ear Whole. Why did you ask? Those two things are already out As of this taping. We were, how did this get made did live shows the 11th and the 18th?

And if it was earlier, I would have advertised those live shows. But now I can't, so I won't, even though I have now done it anyway. All right. Very good. Let's go over to Chief. Chief, what are you plugging? I will plug the flagrant ones on Patreon, a show that I love.

Oh, me, that's a show with those two guys who have that Hollywood Handbook show. Do they drop the act for the Flagrant One show? I still don't know. But I like listening to it. Those two guys from Hollywood Handbook and a real sexy chocolate Mastodon named Carl Tart. And other than that... Is that a Patreon or can people get that anyway? It's a Patreon, you must dig into your pockets.

Pay us money. And some other things are coming forth in the future. Well, we'll have to have you back and plug those. Yeah, stay tuned. Stay tuned to Chief. Stay tuned, gumshoes. All right, Kooky and Kuku. What do you guys have to plug?

I'll plug a real cowboy short feature that's on Hulu right now called John Branco. Okay, and people can just watch that on Hulu? I mean, if they're so inclined? They're so inclined they can do it. It's starring Walton Goggins, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Tim Baltz, in that order. That Veronica Mars writer?

Yeah. Yep, exactly. That's how it's built. I heard he's the guy who pitched killing Logan. Spoiler for the recent season. Well, I'll give you one more. Yes.

Okay, thanks. The iconic thumbs up, Scott. Wow, we got it. He did it. Is it my turn? Sure. Me, Nooky. So you can support our business by buying a shadow of a cowboy with my favorite thing on it.

At L-I-L-L-Y, Y-I-L-Y. Okay, so it's Y-L-Y-L-Y-Y-Y-Y-L-Y-L-Y-L-Y-L-I-L-L-Y. Wait, isn't this my turn? Twitter? Yes. Oh, that's right. I'm plugging Jason's Twitter. Oh, that's right.

It's L-I-Y. L-I-L-Y. Y-I-L-Y. Okay. And that's where Jason can be found on all social media. It's a, it's like, what's it called? Anagram, not an anagram. Aphrosic?

It's almost that, but it's not that. Ken, Ken. It's those two things backwards and forwards. It's a palindrome, right? But it's not exactly that, but it's similar to that. Oh. It would be easier if it was, Jason, I love it. And Jason is on their posting so much good stuff.

Make sure you like it. It's where I go to put out all my emails, all my blasts, tell people what I'm up to, dick picks the whole thing. All right, Sprague, what are you plugging? Tpublic.com slash Sean Diston. Get yourself a futures female splinter shirt. Yeah, we want to see you out there in these streets. We want to see you out there in these streets.

we also have a final episode of you have to stop talking TMNT on CBB coming out I guess in a couple of days here Scott it's been such a... No, well it's about a week and a half or so. Oh, that's a couple of days in some people's description of it. Yeah, definitely. And you can get all the previous episodes with the aforementioned Tatiana Maslani and Jason

and then also other guests like Seth Green. And a lot of people might not know you guys are also ranking all of your top five star... That's right. And I believe on our final episode we're going to do our final Star Wars rankings and our final TMNT rankings. That is all going to happen in the finale. And then stick around next season for our lost episode. Me and Scott will watch every episode of Lost.

And then we're going to talk about each episode and how it could be. I don't know, Scott. I'm just reaching. You're just, yeah, you're grass in the straws here. You guys should do the Ghostbusters cartoon. Oh, that's not. You know what? Me and Scott do the Ghostbusters cartoon coming season two.

so stick around. Or snorks. I guess me and Scott could do the snorks. We'll talk about it, Scott. All right, we'll talk about it. All right, Frankenstein, what are you plugging? My biography by Mary Shelley is fantastic. Was that authorized or was that an unauthorized, Bob?

We put unauthorized in that red stamp on the front to make it salacious at the Hudson News, but it's authorized. I was there. How did you feel about Bobby De Niro's portrayal of you? In that one or on Meet the Falkers? Wait, he was playing you and meet the fuckers? Yeah, that character is based on me. I had no idea, really? I have nipples, Scott.

Can you milk me? Oh, okay, I see it now. And the answer is yes, because you have a female's nipples. That's right. I have Eleanor Roosevelt's nipples, and they are... Whoa, those are hefty. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, they're also implants. She had implants? No, I got them into her breasts. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. Was she part of the itty-bitty-titty committee? Oh, Jesus. I don't think they had set up that part of the cabinet yet. I think that was Jimmy Carter's administration.

Oh, okay. Rosalind did that? And then big grande website.com is a new place to buy podcast directly from the group Big Grande of Teachers Lounge. We'll say fame. Sure, fame, yeah. Podcast fame, certainly. All right. Podcasts, yeah.

I want to plug the Auntie Donna's big old house of fun. I am very proud of that show. The guys from Auntie Donna, the Australian Sketch Group, made a show out here in the States. And it's on Netflix right now, only six episodes, and they're all a lot of fun. A lot of guest stars like Paul F. Tompkins and Weird Al Yankovic and this guy, Carl Tart is really funny in it. And, yeah, it's a great show. Yeah, speaking to Chocolate Mastodon. And the one that he was speaking about.

All right, that's going to be it for us. Let's close up the old plug bag. You start with a C when you want to close it up. You lead with an L and then you owe. Oh, bring up the plug bag, open it up, plug bag. Take your hands and open it up. Then her ratio comes, and then he just said. Be loaning all my life

It ain't a paradise They're staying in all our lives It is in the day of the paradise Open up the plug bag And open up that block bag Open it up the plug back Open it up Open it up

Open it up the plug back Open up the plug back Everybody wants to open up the plug back Up the blog bearers, keep it fucking open. Up the bug. Open, up the bug. Open up to bump. Open it up.

Oh, open it up. Open it up. Open it up. All right, guys. I want to thank you so much. Jay Dog, always great to see you. What a delight. I'll talk to you later this week about comic books.

Yes, we will. And Frankenstein, look, what else can be said? Shih Tzu. Well said. That's true. We haven't said Shih Tzu on this show yet. so I appreciate it. And what is it again?

Nuky and Tudy? Nuki and Tudy? Nuki and Tudy. Great to meet you guys. Continued success with your chosen profession. I mean, as far as you know, you're going to be passing away in approximately nine days or so, 10 days, 12 days? We will all be gone.

We will all be gone. So it's not just you. It's going to be all of us. Yes. You will be gone as well. Yeah. And Sprague, I mean, uh, Go rescue that PS5 for me.

I might, but I might also just hide in the closet until the Yakuza sort of sweep the house. So if you see anyone here, I'm in the closet, don't say, well, I don't want to be out here. I hope you're not taken. Oh, Scott, if I'm taken, do you have a particular set of skills that might be able to? I know a lot about comic books.

Are you going to get you back with that? Oh, that sounds like a great spinoff for my Patreon. I get taken. Scott uses his comic book knowledge to say, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. All right, we'll figure it out. And Chief, always great seeing you.

Where are you off to next? I am on a flight to Dubai, United Emirates. I'm oiled up. I am dressed down. I am ready to climb the side of the Birch Khalifa. Are you on your phone while the plane is taking off? You already took off your mask. I've already taken off my mask.

It's fine. There's only one person near me. Who's that? It's fine. The air on a plane, the way that circulates, it's safe to fly. and not have a mask home. Okay. Wearing a mask is a violation of my rights.

Okay, I see. We're going down to do it. Also, I am using my internet, my go-go in-flight internet, to check out Frankenstein's only fans to see what them feet do and what that ass talking about. Chief just bought me a ring light. All right, we'll see you next week for the best ofs. Thanks to all of our guests, all of our previous guests, all of our current guests. and everyone who's been on the show this year. We'll see you next time.

Thanks. Bye.