Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2024 Boston Pt. 2 (Jason Mantzoukas, Eugene Mirman, Paul F. Tompkins, Lisa Gilroy, Carl Tart, Ryan Gaul)

Episode Date: October 16, 2025

Live from Boston, Scott welcomes to the stage Jason Mantzoukas, comedian Eugene Mirman, Malt Shop owner Bing Lujo, Scott's grandma Nana, Tuscan lawyer Italiano Jones, and financial guru Doug Gropes! Special thanks to the Wilbur Theatre! Originally recorded 06/13/2024. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re-releasing fantastic episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. And this week, we are back in our series. We are entitling Bravo Italiano, of course, featuring our good friend Italiano Jones, played by Carl Tart, a wonderful character who will fight for you. And this week's episode is from just last year, but it's from the tour episodes, the tour that we did last year. So this has been over exclusively at CBB World. And so this one is called 2024 Tour Boston Part 2. And it was, what a wonderful title, I know, very descriptive. It was recorded live at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, and it was originally released on June 13, 2024. It features another appearance, of course, by Italio.

Leano Jones. And also joining us on stage are Jason Manzoukis, comedian Eugene Merman, who happened to be in town and was just going to come to watch the show. And I said, hey, man, why don't you come up on stage with us? Great story. And it led to a lot of hilarity. We have Paul F. Tompkins as mall shop owner Bing Lujo and Lisa Gilroy as my grandma Nana. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, Become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have, all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, all ad-free. We have every single live show, including the one you're going to hear today. So if you like these live shows, we have every single one we've ever done. We have ad-free new episodes, and we also have original shows like CBB Presents and Scott hasn't seen. And if you're a big Italiano Jones fan, you can order the Italiano Jones action figure at shop.com, as well as other great comedy, bang, bang, action figures like Antre P. Newer, Carissa, Randy Snuts.

You can even get an action figure of me if you're so inclined. You can also go to Actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. We're going to be back Monday with the new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Comey Bambi, Bambi, Bac Bac Bha! Comey Bac Bac Bha!

Hold on, I got to do this. We added a second show, so I guess we are the Reader Boston Cell Ticks. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Alvaro Mendez from Panama. He did yesterday's too. Thank you. Are you here?

Don't lie to me about being Alvaro Mendes from Panama. Hello, everyone. Welcome. It's such a pleasure to be here at the Wilbur, a theater named after some guy, I guess. Anyone know who he is, Wilbur? I'm hearing horse. Beautiful theater. I've dreamed of playing this my entire life. How the fuck what I know about this place? But it is great.

Wonderful people backstage. Thank you very much to the staff here. It's been a pleasure to be here for two nights in a row. This was the show that sold out the day we announced it, and so you guys are amazing. Appreciate that. My name is Scott Augerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang,

and we have a great show. Coming up a little later, we have... Oh, entrepreneurs are back. I believe we have a lawyer. We have a woman. And someone who works in finance, apparently. A wonderful show. And it's a packed show as well.

I want to make sure you see all these stools up here. I want to make sure that we get to everybody. So we're going to move right on into a lot of people's favorite feature on this show, which is, of course, the world-famous balcony report. Now, if you were not here last night, there's an exciting new addition to the balcony report. And we all know the balcony report. It's the most exciting 15 seconds in podcasting. It's where I count the number of balconies in...

in each venue that we perform in. Seems simple? Not on your life. For me. Now the new wrinkle is we will be tallying the balconies as we go and counting up the sum total of all balconies by the end of the tour.

And Boston, you're the first city. So this is going to be anticlimactic. And we already counted them last night. But still, hold on to your dicks. Because here it comes. Boston,

Massachusetts. Did I pronounce that correctly? It's a tough one at the end for a guy like me. The Wilbur Theater has two balconies. Now, please don't be like the person last night who shouted,

One's a mezzanine. Don't be that person. Now, to date, on the entire tour, we have performed to two balconies. I told you. not good. He'll get really exciting by the end, though. Man, I cannot wait.

Well, guys, we have a great show for you. Why are we even bothering listening to this bullshit? Does everyone know what's going to happen, by the way? Has anyone never heard Comedy Bang Bang before? I feel like you're lying. So I'm just going to move on. Everyone knows what it is. We have a great show.

Let me introduce our co-host for the evening. He is a comedian of note, famous Greek comedian. He has his own show at the right here at the Wilbur on Sunday. Please welcome Jason Manzukas. Yes! Let's go!

Ha ha! Here we go, Boston. Here we go. What's up, jerks! That's right. That's right. Oh, hey. I'm already exhausted.

It's hard. It gets harder and harder. The older we get. I'm winded. Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. Look at this. Are you going to have any energy for your own show on Sunday?

Nope. By the way, how did this get made? Sunday night. Bring your father. It's Father's Day. There are still seats left Now discounted Did I do a good job selling the show?

You did a great job Will you pledge that all fathers get in free? Oh yeah All you have to do is say Daddy's here At the door and you're in for free God damn it I know a bunch of people are going to show up Sunday I ain't going

Daddy's here A bunch of creeps, a bunch of Boston creeps. Oh, my God. Daddy's here. Uh-oh, daddy's here. Daddy's here. Knock, knock.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh. Ew. This is the show. This is the show. We count balconies and say, oh.

Oh, man, you got two balconies here, right? It's pretty exciting, isn't it? It's fucking huge, because last night, there was also two spoilers. Out of curiosity, how many people came to both shows? Fucking idiots. We're doing a recreation of last night show. Word for word. Yeah, last night is the template.

Yeah, and we studied all night. We're off book, obviously. Yes, we are the show off book. Yes. I'm Jess. You're Zach. I would rather be off book sometimes. You would?

Yes. You were backstage being like, Why can't we just be off book? Why are we stuck in some horse theater? Complaining backstage so much about this horse theater. I was confused. I thought you were saying whores theater. This whores theater?

How dare you? It's a nice place. Why would you say that about? Oh, this horse theater? Sorry, oh, this horse theater? Jason, you're from these parts. a lot of great Bostonians, you, Casey Affleck. Yep.

Number one, number two, baby. He's back. Just saw him in a trailer. Really? He's back, Fleck? He's back, baby. Okay, all right. Yeah, it's me and him. I'm from Nahant, North Shore. That's right.

Connected by a long causeway to Lynn, the city of sin. You never come out. The way you went in. People from Lynn in the house? Go make gloves Oddly specific insult Yeah, but it got a laugh These fucking idiots know That's where we made gloves

This country used to make things Like gloves Then they burn the factories to the ground This is a serious question Yep Why don't shirts and jackets Come with gloves already? Okay, now this is interesting

Like, why did we cut it off here? First of all, I'm going to say shirts and jackets don't come together. It's an interesting point. So you're saying independently, each of them should have its own gloves? So a shirt's gloves and jackets gloves? Yeah. What kind of marketing genius said we're not going to include the glove as part of the jacket? It doesn't make any sense.

Well, it does if you want to increase sales. Of gloves? Yeah. You attach the gloves. boom, that person's got gloves. So why isn't everything all a cart on a jacket? Like, elbows down, that's... What?

You think jackets should come without... Elbows should be optional? Sure. Like, you could get a short-sleeve jacket. Okay. But you could then pay to have it elongated. Oh, I see. So everything...

I see. Everything's all a card on my head. Why not just any sleeve length optional? Sure. Maybe it's a tank jacket. Yeah. Maybe it's a vest. Every jacket starts a vest

and then somebody slaps arms on it with elbows. Yeah. You could do like an Encino man, you know. I don't. Okay. Explain it, please. Haven't covered that on your dumb show?

Wow! How dare you? Sunday night tickets available. We're playing two nights at the Wilbur. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. And you're telling me, you sold out. What do you think you're better than us?

I'll fucking fight you. Yeah. What do you think of that Goodwill hunting guy? Weird guy, right? Oh, weird guy, Will hunting himself? Yeah. What do you think of them apples? Yeah.

What a piece of shit. Strange, yeah. Strange guy, right? I'll fucking kick that dude's ass. Will hunting. Yeah, Will hunting. He's all nerdy, like, in the brain, but then he takes off his shirt and he's like fucking yoked.

What's his dad? Jacked. Jacked with a brain? Does he, like, study while he's lifting weights, or what's going on with this guy? Yeah, I think so. I think that's exactly it. I think it's just he's studying while he's just getting jacked. You ever have the temptation to get as jacked as will hunting? Wow. This is the show that we'll go there.

You're the kind of host that's not afraid to ask the hard questions. I ain't afraid, baby. You know what? I would love to. to get jacked. As everybody describes it, will hunting level jacked. You know,

that's what everybody in Hollywood's doing. All these Marvel stars, they're just getting will hunting level jacked. Kumail went to Marvel, said, give me the wheel hunting. I'm hunting for a good role, wink, wink, you know what I'm saying.

Get me jacked. I'd love to get jacked. Off. I apologize for that, sir. That's his horse. theater. Feels like it's something out of the 1800s

like, you know, Penny dreadful novels or something, jacked off at the horse theater. Jacked off. But then, like, it turns out it's jacked off at the horse theater. Yeah. And it's like a much different book

that's probably illegal to even own. Have you ever touched a horse, horses penis? A horse? A horse? A horse horse. A horse horse is penis.

A horse horse horse is penis? These are my vocal warmups. okay? I know, I just heard them backstage. Have you ever touched a horse's penis? Have you ever touched a horse horse's penis? Absolutely the title of the episode. A little bug flying around.

What's that? A little bug flying around. They can't see it, only we can. If you comment on it, now they know there's a bug flying around. It's a classy fucking horse theater. You think they would get rid of the bugs? This place is rancid.

It smells so bad. All right. It's full of rotten meat. I'm having fun. Yeah. Except for the mezzanine. Yeah. I wouldn't sit in the mezzanine

if you fucking paid me. Oh. Fuck you. Get bent, mezzanine. Get bent. I'm talking to the balcony. Now, those are my people. Just pissing through the seat.

right on to the mezzanine. Ooh, my heavens. They're licking it up now. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Like when it rains in a movie, when somebody's been, like, walking through the desert, and they're like, I'll take whatever I can get. That's you, mezzanine.

I honestly think if it ever rains in a movie, they should have one character at least go, yum, yum, yum. Even if it's a background, even if it's like a very intense emotional scene. Sure. Someone's crying over a corpse. You know, somebody's like,

yum yum yum, yum, yum. Just to make it realistic. Yeah. Because that's every time it rains, everybody's doing that. Yum, yum, yum, yeah. Everybody's like, free. fucking skywater, give it to me.

Yes. When you go out to a side, I guess, after the show. When I go out to a side? Nope. That's a wrap. Thank you. Black it out. The show's over. When you go out to a side, what? You're cooked, pal.

It's over. R. I be a legend. The show is mine. Three of us on this tour, our hotel room alarms went off at 6 a.m. The housekeeping did not turn them off. That's brutal. And then we all got back to sleep

and the fire alarm went off at 10 a.m. That's unfortunate. Yes, it is. It's like those poor souls in The Little Mermaid. Go on. I don't know what you mean. You've never seen The Little Mermaid? If I did, it was like back when it came out.

What, do you just watch Big Mermaids? I would love to. Share, the rest. Christina Ricci. She's a mermaid. Ritchie. One of our best Italians. One of the best.

Why wasn't she and Mario Brothers? She should have been. She could have been Luigi or... I would love it. Wario, maybe? Sure. Yeah. anything else jason i feel like the prop here if this opening segment is is not good it's because we're

too close to each other yeah let's move it back it's too intimate let's move it back you're in the wings okay i'm going to be in the wings too So Jason. Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-s-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-harm. I'm partying so hard, bro. We're going to go to the cheers bar. Everybody knows our name. I hope Carla is there.

She's so sarcastic. So Italian. She's one of our great Italians. How long can we keep this up for the entire show? Let's do it the whole show. I just hit my teeth with the microphone. Forget it. All right.

You ruined it. Jason Manzukas, everyone. Jason Manzukas. Boo. Owee. Aye, aye, aye. We have a very special guest. Terrific.

Bean Town Legend. Home town hero. Home town hero. He's a stand-up comedian. a wonderful person, and I believe he's on a show called Bob's Burgers. Please welcome Eugene Merman. Hello. Hello.

Hi. Hello, Eugene. Hello. Hey. We're right here? Yeah. Yeah. Oh.

Well chosen. Yes. This feels very normal. Hi. Hi, Eugene. It's pleasure to have you on the show. Pleasure to be here. I've been a big fan of your stand-of-cath...

Wouldn't it be weird if I was a fan of you just as a person and not as a stand-up? You're like, I love you. Hey, that wouldn't be that weird. Be like, I love you. Your comedy? I love you as a human being. Yeah, your kindness is boundless.

But I feel like I've been seeing you for... Are you in your third? decade performing at this point or I think I might be. Wow, wow. But only because I started at like 18. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, but yes, I'm old.

So is most of the people in this goddamn audience. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let's be honest. Most of this audience has a babysitter tonight. Yeah. Yes. Share if you're paying for health care tonight. Kid care. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The first concert was Duran Duran at Greatwoods. What was your first concert? It was Guns and Roses opening for Aerosmith. Wow. At Great Woods. Incredible. We were walking down the street today.

We went out to breakfast and we were just like, I wonder if Aerosmith has walked these streets as a group. Together? They're still there. Really? Yeah, they often busk at the common. Right by the ducklings. Exactly.

It's the little dream on. People throw $1,000 bills. It's a wealthy town. So you count that as... Who was it opening? Guns and roses. It was the opening act. So you headline guns and roses when you tell the story.

Like, I went to see Guns and Roses. No, I just... That was the order of the band's opening for Aerosmith. That's the proper way to tell this story. Chronologically? They... Yeah, people were like, I saw, yeah, you're like, I wish I could think of a band that was unpopular and then say Elton John.

But, yeah, they were, at the time, they were very... You can't think of anyone less popular than Elton John? I can't, I can't. That's the level of musical artists, you know? Roxy Music? Brian Ferry's Roxy Music? Opening for Elth and John? I'd love to see that.

It would be great. That would be a good show. Yeah, I don't know how to tell the story. That's the story. But, yeah, I saw them to... But Guns-Rosley played for 45 minutes. And they started, I think, on time because they were opening.

Right. But they did a great job. Did you... They welcomed everyone to a jungle. They told us we were going to die. It was very nice. Did anyone know who they were at that point, or... I can't remember.

I think, like, they were... Yes, they were starting to be big. Time to switch. Switch seats. Oh, yeah, yeah. By the end of the tour, they were very popular, but Permanent Vacation was also a popular album at the time. Who was?

I love it. The tedious entertainment news of 1988. Pretty good. I like it. What was your first show? Oingo Boingo. Oh, of course it was. Of course it was.

I'm sure these people were tortured by a playlist prior to the show that featured quite a bit of Oingo Boingo. And if I'm not mistaken, probably. some crowded house. Love them both. Crouted House has a new album out. Just came out last week. Oh, God bless Tim Finn.

It's a wonderful album. Eugene, you're on this show, Bob's Burgers. Yes. Where you play the character. Is it Gene? Yeah, Gene. Very convenient.

What's going on in that show? Have they run out of... Catch us up. What's going on? Where are the Belcher's at these days? Have they run out of things for you to do at this point? No, surprisingly they haven't. Yeah, you ever get the script and you're like,

I'm doing what? Gene wouldn't do this, and then you go, who the fuck cares? May you just say the stuff? I argue virtually every line. The records could be a few hours. I make them a day. This isn't Gene.

He wouldn't go, ah! He'd go, ooh! Do you ever get, like, friends of yours with kids asking you to, like, call and leave messages for their kids and stuff like that? Yeah, a little. And strangers, yes. And then I often do. Yeah. Hi, this is Gene. Happy birthday. Yeah. Thank you. You're going to be a man. Just like me. A real middle-aged man calling you, a child, leaving you a message. Call me back. Here's my number. just me, a grown man, leaving a message for a child

at the behest of the child's parent. Just to be clear, none of these children have their own answering service. It's often recorded by the parents and at their discretion to give this disgusting message to their offspring. Do you ever get requests to say

like grown-up adult things in the gene voice? Okay, this is leading. This is where you're going. Like, what if, how would it sound? Just pull the script, just whatever script you wrote. How would Gene say the word titties? I don't know, but it might go, uh, uh, titties!

Sounds about right. Love it, yeah. Love it. Yeah, or maybe he'd be more startled. This is just, the, you know. Has he canonically seen titties? No. He's canonically seen only what someone could see around 8.30 p.m. on a major network.

Yeah. So your fanfic is not going to get published. Yeah. He's heard about butts. Seen nothing. Oh, yeah. The Belcher household was recently, upper butt was a big part of an episode recently. Upper But for Tina, big talk.

Yeah. I watch the show. Yeah. I'm a fan. In a cool way, not a creepy way. Yeah. I'd just like to see the kids talk about touching butts. Eugene, have you ever played this horse theater?

Yes. I noticed some of the staff were like, Eugene, you're back. It's true. Yeah, that was nice. It felt like a warm welcome. Yeah. Yes, I played it. I've often, when friends come to town, I do shows with them.

And you graciously offered to do this show with us. You were just going to come to it, actually. It's true. And I bugged you enough and you said, yeah, okay, I'll come on stage. It's very nice of you. I appreciate that. I'm a very kind person. You're welcome, you're welcome.

And like a very kind person, you walk back stage and said, what's going to happen? That's a quote. Well, we're going to find out what happens because we have some very special guests coming out here. Eugenia, are you ready? We're going to talk to them. Yeah. We need your energy, the entire show. I will have this energy.

Yeah. It's pretty good. It's going to be a group of people, I believe four more people coming out. These are conversations that have never been had before, will never be had ever again. These are some of the most interesting people in the world. Sure. Yeah. It's not what I would call the show where we talk to interesting people necessarily, but it's more like humanity in the Animal Kingdoms podcast.

Sure. But still earthbound. Earthbound, yes. Not in space yet. Eventually, I'd like to float around up there. Wouldn't you? How so? Like, when I'm dead?

Sure. Instead of burying me, just shoot me up in there. Yeah, if you could blow me out an airlock, I'd love it. You know what would be great as if the minute you died, instead of just, like, lying there as a corpse, like... Rockets went off onto your... Just pooh! And if you could just, while you're walking around, you just see people, boom! You'd be like, oh, that's sad, but look at him go!

Yeah. Hey, where did Eugene go? We haven't seen him in a week. He must have booged. Yeah, I'm saving for a space burial. Really? Yeah, that's my plan. I'd love that. Which part of space? Which neighborhood?

Hopefully all of it. Yeah. Just strewn body parts everywhere. No, I think I'd like to be one thing so that I could, like, hit somebody's, you know, like an alien spaceship. Yeah. You're like, duh. They're like, oh my God, Gene. From Bob's burgers?

Yeah. the only thing they've received. All right, Eugene Merman, everyone. Give him a big round of applause. Thank him for being here. Thank you. All right, our first guest I've not met before. This is exciting.

That's why I had to glance down at the information I have regarding him. He is the aforementioned entrepreneur. he is from Mamet Valley, please welcome Bing Lujo. Here, switch with me. Switch with me. I'll go down there. It's incredible when you see what we've practiced so many times working perfectly.

Shall I stay in the same place? That's your voice, Bing. Hi. Hi. I just like to meet you. It's so nice to meet you, Bing. Yeah. I travel to the show.

My pleasure. You're an entrepreneur for what I understand. I run a bought shop. You can get mortons, milksakes, egg creams. You can get a plane shelter if you want. These are like very, I mean, I love hearing all this. This is a very old-fashioned kind of drinks. I'm a very old person.

Oh, okay. How old are you being? 98 years old. Oh, wow. 98 years old. You were born in 1926? That's right, I think. Wow.

I don't remember a lot about it. Yeah, what was going on in 1926? Stock market crashed. Sweet, two years later, or three, huh? Yeah. Yeah, everybody's walking around a black and white. Who was president? Woodrow Wilson.

That's what I was thinking. He was a black and white, too. Wilbur Wilson? Woodrow Wilson. Okay, okay, okay. You couldn't hear any of the movies. Then they finally found that volume knob And they turned them up

You go to the movie Like I can't wait to go to the movies Here's a nickel And then the movie starts like I can't hear anything And then some guy starts playing the piano Yeah, or an organ sometimes Sometimes

What year did you open the malt shop? What's the malt shop called? The mall shop is called Bing through a straw Bing through a straw Something you must have said tens of thousands of times in your lifetime, really? That's how I got my name, Bing!

Because when I opened a shop, it didn't have a name. And I would say, people would say, because maltage were new. Okay. Yeah. And they'd say, what do we do with this? And I'd say, you put the straw, you suck it up, Bing through the straw.

So what was your name prior to that? Bingle. Bingle? Like the tiger? Close. Too close. Oh boy, don't get too close for a tiger. No, no, no.

That's like one of the movies I saw when I was a little kid. Someone getting too close or someone saying don't get too close. Well, they got too close and then a card would come up on the screen and said, don't get too close with a tiger. The fanciest fun you ever seen. And then the tiger attacked the man, but it was a guy. suit you can see. Huh?

What if I'm closer to you? Yeah, let's all get really close. Tell you what. You be here. All right. Eugene, you be here. But it's right here. Jason, I want... Jason, I want you over here. Oh, okay, sorry.

So we're not close now. Here or here? What are you... I thought getting to see your face would make it easier to understand you and I'm wrong. Oh, I'm not going to say. Not helping. It's not bad. Why didn't I take that lip reading course before I did this show? It could be helpful if we sat in a circle.

Like at a circular table? Like in a circular jerk motion? What? I'm going to go sit over here. Okay, yeah, please. Bing, it's such a pleasure to meet you. It's a pleasure to me, too, Scott. You're from Mamet Falls.

No. Where are you from? Mammot Valley. Sorry. That's where the mall shop is. And have you lived there all of your 98 years? Is that where you grew up as well? Nah, I was...

I was a mercenary brat, so we traveled around a lot. You said mercenary brat? That's right. I'd love to dig in on that if you don't mind. Both of my parents were mercenaries. Okay, not military. You're not saying military brats. Nope, not affiliate with your own fortunes in any way.

Independent contractors. Okay. Wet work and such. I suppose. But sometimes they just transport things for you. What was the last part? Sometimes they just transport things for you. So we're talking, they were, I mean, I assume mercenaries in the 20s.

They were, you know... During the World War I? Well, everybody had those funny guns. Guns back then were hilarious. So funny. What are some of the places you traveled to? All over the continental United States, which at that time, I think, was only 30 states still. Did you get to Rhodesia at all?

We have been to Rhodesia. Sorry, were your parents mercenaries within the United States? Domestic mercenaries? No, they were from America, but they traveled all over the place. Where did they do the mercenaries, primarily? They did it primarily in the United States. because they're a family. That's so sweet.

Yeah. So they were like assassinating people within the United States. They promised themselves they were never going to be more than a day away. So they weren't necessarily being employed by our government. They were just to the highest bidder.

Who have had the money? Wow. Yeah. So did you ever find yourself, I'm just curious, like, knowing that they were a part of anything that was going on in this country? Any, I mean, notable assassinations,

Historical events. I mean... I remember telling a story about some Archduke. Okay. Archduke Ferdinand? Yeah, that's before I was born, though. Yeah, oh, boy.

Uh-oh. Some guy named something McKinley, somebody Garfield. Andrew? These are quite a few notable. assassination. Really? Like, historically relevant assassinations. They were good at what they did. This is what

I'm saying, you are part of history. Wow, because of so old. Yeah. Yeah. And your parents... Because I remember when they had the television for the first time. Oh, wow. What was you watch? Who do I answer first? We asked the same question, but in different ways. What was on? What did you watch?

Well, the screen was about the size of a quarter. And the first you will watch a man come on and say, soon the television will have the news. He would basically, it was a guy telling you what was going to be on the television eventually.

And we were wrapped. We couldn't believe it. And of course, some people thought it was a tiny little man that lived in the box. Oh, wow. And it never turned out to be a tiny man that lived in the box, right?

No, and we smashed up some TVs, too. I remember one time me and some of my friends, of course, our pants were very short and we had long socks and we saw Now why don't those come together? Why don't pants go directly into socks? That's the question.

That's how you know if you're a boy or a man. Okay. When they start separating your pants from your socks? There's a certain age where it's like, okay, now you can have pants to go all the way down. You have short pants, long socks. That's when you get into that zone? Yeah, like the cake song.

How do you know the? band cake. We have one CD in the shop, and it's all we play. That's all you play at Bing's? Yeah. Bink through a straw. And that was my wife's favorite CD. It was given to her by her granddaughter.

So you have children and they have children and et cetera? No, she had an adopted granddaughter. Can you do that? I thought you adopted someone. Can I do that? It's just after you pass 60, it's automatically a girl. granddaughter instead of a daughter? Well, yeah, I think it depends on the age

different. Can you designate what an adoption is? I'd love to adopt a stepson. You probably can. You just got to check a box, right? Yeah. People don't look at the whole form. Though it becomes your son. He.

Anyway. It. You're being awful careful with those pronouns. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. Is your, I'm sorry, Bing, is your wife still with us? No, she died three days ago.

Christ, what are you doing here? Oh, gosh. I mean, you know, when you get to be my age, people die all the time. But that's your wife. How long had you been married? Oh, 75 years. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

We had a diamond anniversary. Four days ago. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, that's awful. Bing. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's fine. We had a lot of time together.

Can I ask how she passed away? Yeah. Well, you know, we went to Mass every Sunday. And this one Sunday last week, we didn't go. And I said, let's do Mass at home. You know, catch up before we go to next time. And so I baked up a Eucharist. You baked up a Eucharist.

up a ukra. Yeah, it's easy. It's 11, so that's one step you don't kind of worry about. Yeah, why not? In the comfort of your own home, make the body of Christ. And instead of why, we use the egg cream. Which does not have egg. No, so you can have it, right?

Absolutely, thank you for knowing about you. I know what you. How do you know about you? Thank you, Bing. I have to keep track of people's allergies. Because they're coming in a shop. Some people say, I'm allergic to shake but not milk. I have a shake intolerance. So I just took three scoops of ice cream with a glass.

Kind of rattled around. I hand them a wider straw. So that they can bing it through the straw. Exactly. Anyway, my wife choked on the host. Oh, no. I made it too big. I made it too big.

So she was otherwise actually pretty healthy. She was filling the fiddle. She was going to do a 5K. That's a lot of case. Do you feel guilty at all? I mean, I did that day, yeah. I thought about it all day. Okay, yeah.

I have a question. Because you didn't go to... Yes, thank you for... Right here. Because you didn't go to regular mass, do you think she went to heaven, or... No, unfortunately, she... I mean, it wasn't a consecrated host.

I guess in a way, it was kind of blasphemy, even though we didn't intend it that way. But rules are rules. So she might not have died in a state of grace because I don't know the last time she went to confession. So did you watch, like, Mass on TV, or did you do it yourself? We will record, we would go to Mass,

and then we would record Mass on TV, and then we watched it so many times that I could recreate it. Okay, yeah, go ahead. Let us proclaim the mystery of faith. Christ has died, Christ has risen. Christ will come. just curious what the homily was oh a homily i would get up there and i would say you know

things move so fast these things sometimes it's good to slow down skip church every once in a while and do it at home it was very meta this sounds very it sounds like a like how ferris bueller talks to the fourth wall at the end would you turn to the camera and be like, what are you guys still doing there? Get out of here. I did look at a camera, yeah. I couldn't help but notice, when you started reciting the prayer, everybody in the mezzanine covered their ears and acted like they were in pain. Really?

Because are they demons? Probably. I think so. Piss demons. Yeah. That's right. Yum, yum, yum. Now I got Scott doing it, too, you piss freaks.

I still got here earlier. So I know what everybody's talking about. because I sure don't. That's okay. Well, I'm so sorry about your wife. It sounds like you're not incredibly sorry. I'm okay. You're all right.

Yeah. There's so many other... Soon we'll be reunited, either in heaven or in hell. Are you going to try to match it up? I'm going to try. I mean, I got a 50-50 shot. Well, I mean, like at this point, do you feel like you should stop going to... Knowing that she probably went to hell, should you start sinning, start...

Stop going to church. It could be like the purge. You could just murder. Should you purge your way into hell? I mean, you don't have to do much, really, because God, he gets very angry, so it doesn't take a lot. Yeah. This makes me wonder, what year did you open the malt shop?

What's what? What year did you open the malt shop? Now, you can't understand him? It's a surprising turn of events. I think Bing might hear everybody else through his accent. I understand. I opened a mall shop in

1946. I was 20 years old. Oh, wow. Yeah. You opened it, it wasn't, you didn't start working, it wasn't someone else's that you worked your way up, but you opened it up right. It was a milk crate on a corner. That's how it started.

And I was making milkshakes, moths and head creams right there on the street. And guys would come off a construction site or they'd come home from the war, shell shop. And I would see that faraway look in their eyes. and I would say, hey, wouldn't a nice cold milkshake be good right now?

And then they would absolutely reach into their uniform trousers and throw down a nickel, and I give them a maltower and cream RML case. And then eventually so many damaged men came home that I was able to build an actual structure. Now, 20 years old, of course, I want to do it. list of the war. Lick Hitler. And I couldn't do it

because I only have a half a lug. One half of one lung? One half of one. Oh, that's a total. That's a quarter of what the rest of us have. Exactly. Wow.

And so they said, sorry, son, you can't do it. And I said, what if I told you I was making that up about the lung? And they said, we've heard it all. Oh, so you told them. They didn't examine you. You told them.

I filled out the four, but I didn't expect... And it says how many lungs? How many lungs you got? And you wrote, you wrote, 0.5? There was one, there was a box for one, a box for two, and I had to write in a pencil, 0.5. Yeah. Because I'm honest, but they wouldn't let me go

and listen to the water. It's because I shame. Man, if you had been there, do you think you would have killed Hitler? Why, that would have, like, but that's, what a failing because they could have used you maybe espionage-wise, like your parents' mercenaries. could have gotten you, and maybe you could have given Hitler a poisoned egg cream or something. I know.

I'm very quiet because my breathing is not loud at all. Maybe back then. Yeah, now it's a little bit late, but I guess you could say. I just think maybe it would be hard for you to do a stealth mission. Because now you think I'm loud. Yeah, you're pretty loud, I mean... You're a pretty loud guy. You're a loud, unintelligible guy.

But I'm so... But I mean, I'm not going to walk. around the eagles that's going, Hitler, where are you? Well, I mean, I mean, yeah, I wonder, could you have, like, you didn't learn German or anything like that? Yeah, you didn't. Nine.

Okay. Yeah, that's pretty good. Mix messages here. Do you think that might have worked, though, if anyone had ever done it? Hitler, where are you? Oh, right here. It's worth a shot. Right?

Yeah. Anyway, he's dead, so what are we talking about? We think, definitely. What? What? Who knows? He could be the next guest. What?

Hitler's not on the show. I'll finally get my kick. God, if you ever see that guy. Thank God I wear my poison ring everywhere I go. You weren't wearing that ring when you baked the Eucharist, were you? Boy. You know what? Go to hell.

I mean, I already felt very. responsible for a death, but now I feel responsible in a different way? Like a careless kind of responsible. Yeah. Instead of incompetent. So do you have any plans to date now that you're on the market? What do you think? You're sliding into anybody's DMs?

A lot of attractive ladies here in Boston. Maybe not at this show, but... Whoa. It's not an indictment of the quality of the women. Well, you came backstage earlier when you looked at the crime and you said, what a bunch of uggos? And I said, what are you talking about? Boston's fame is for hunks and honeies.

I'm just saying there are no women. Oh, okay. Are you kidding? A bunch of these dudes dragged their wives here. These poor women are like, you listen to it on your commute. I don't even know what it is. These are inside jokes that even you don't get. I hate this.

Let's get a divorce. I don't mean to say that, because we have so many great women fans, and we love them. No, honestly, it's just kind of in... Who will be asking for a divorce tonight, regardless. There's just kind of a joke about, like, podcasts in general. Did you want to have every woman stand up? Yeah, every...

Where are you going with this? Like, no, no, no, they're out there. Stand up and strut on stage for us, just in a line, if you don't mind. That reminds me the steel pier in Atlantic City. I got Atlantic City. Steel Pier, Atlantic City. The ladies were getting their swimsuits and they'd have a beauty contest.

Oh, in like... What contest? Beauty. Beauty. How did you get... I was untrimed. How did you get contest? I got contests I got, but it sounded like it was a poody contest,

and I was like, I don't think I know what that is. But I'm curious. A classic Atlantic City Poodie contest. There used to be a lady who would ride a horse and a horse would jump into a pool of water. Probably right here at this horse theater. That is from before. So Bing, do you have your eyes on someone?

Was there someone there? In a couple ladies in town. I know I've been waiting for my wife to die. Oh, really? You think there's like been a clock on this for a while? Oh, they tell me. They say, when Helen dies, look out. Is that why you had to leave town in the days after her death? Or that you could mourn in quiet?

Exactly. I want to tear my clothes off. How old are the women who are after you? They're also in their 90s. The median age in my neighborhood is probably 90. Okay. Yeah. So there are like 80-year-olds and 100-year-olds?

Two 80-year-olds. 200-year-olds. Two-hundred-year-olds. And then there's a couple guys who are 125. Whoa. They're skewing the whole thing. They're fraternal twins. Really?

What do they do for a living? They're funeral directors, and they take turns modeling in the coffin. Oh, wow. And they don't tell... They sound so cool. They don't tell people that they're twins, but they look enough alike

so that people will come in and that one guy will say, and this is how I will choose to be going underground. I genuinely wish they were the next two people coming on stage. They say, picture me in the coffin, and then the people think that they're picturing it. They always say, oh, my God, I can see it. Have they ever accidentally buried one of them?

A few times, yeah. Okay, okay. But that's why it's called Bell Brothers, because they still bury people with the bell attached to the car. Oh, smart. Smart. Yeah, from plague times. Yeah.

Because they were like, why should that go out of style? You could get buried by accident anytime. So it just happened recently. Someone woke up at a funeral home. Someone who was in, like, was sent to a, the body was, she was declared, I think it was a woman who's declared dead,

I can't remember where, sent to a funeral home and came to in the funeral home. This, wait, where? Sounds like Connecticut? Yeah, it was Connecticut. fucking Connecticut. What a piece of shit. Sounds like a real West Hartford's thing.

Take your clam pizza and get the fuck out of here. Do people in Boston hate Connecticut? No. They don't care. That's what I figured. Give it to New York. Get rid of it. People here hate the Virgin Islands. Because they're prude.

Yeah, not wild. Like Massachusetts. Yeah. So do you have any plans now that your wife has gone? Anything you're going to try to achieve? Is this a big trip for you? Is this your appearance here in Boston? Yeah.

Why are you even here? Yeah. I came here to scout potential franchise location. Oh, wow. Huge news. Holy cow. the breakfast. So, oh, wow.

So, is so far only one being? Just big a door straw, there's only one. Okay. And I thought, what if I would put another score? And then I could divide my time between the one or the other. Sure. Meaning they would be open on alternating days? Yes.

That, I'm going to be honest. If you do do Boston, that commute is going to be a bear. Not the bear. Chicago. You know your pop culture. Yes, chef. So, I would say big a through a straw

open every other day. Wow. If you're here and it's closed, it's not the day. Yeah. I mean, I think they would get it if they showed up and it was closed. It's not the day. I think you could do this is a city that, I mean, it was 85 degrees

here today. It wouldn't have been, wow, would it have been great to get a milkshake? We would love a milk shake of all over there. Cream on a day like today Did you bring one? Do you guys have a song? Is there a big song? Oh, we have a lot of songs.

Is there a jingle, rather? We have a lot of song and jingles for where people do things in the mall shop. If they order a certain thing, then everybody sings a certain song, you know. So like, if somebody orders a milkshake and they say extra thick.

Okay, so if I'm a tingling, ling, ling. Hi, can I get a, can I get a milkshake extra thick? He did it. He did it. He ordered. a milkshake and he wants it extra thick everybody gather around look at this he man he is thick as a brick he's gonna dig it through a straw till it goes down his gallant then it's in his tummy and he's

gonna get a mullet when he goes through the bumper shop right next door he ought to it extra thick Wow. I loved it. I love that. I would order it extra thick all the time. I'll be honest, it could have just been two lines. It was so long. And you're telling me there's multiple songs that length. It's while the product is being made.

Oh, wow, that's really... Actually, I love that. You know, what a great time. To fill that time with songs. It's fun. Now, Scott, honey, you acting like you were going to be nextelighted. Then you ran away. Yeah, what did you get scared of?

I got scared of your dancing pretty much. I thought it was, yeah. Well, then you don't want to come into Bing and Through and Strong because everybody dances all the time. May I enter, though? Please. Enter freely and of your own will. It goes the other way.

Dingling, Ling. Welcome to Bing and Through and Strong. Thank you, sir. I'm Bing. What can I do for you? Hi, Bing. Nice to meet you. You seem distracted, son.

Are you okay? I'm looking up at the menu. Has no one ever done that in this store before? No. We only serve three things. You're looking at a picture of a miltick, a picture of a malton, and a picture of an egg cream.

Don't try to tell me my business, son. I've been in this store for decades. Dinglingling, ling, ling, excuse me, you just hit that kid with your car. And you're taking time to order a milk milkshake, malted, or egg cream? That kid is on Finites, man. He's fine.

Wow. Okay. I'll have the number three. I don't see what you're pointing at. It's behind me. You don't know what your sign looks like? Wow. It's three pictures.

There's a malton, a milkshake, and an egg cream. Why can't you say the words? They all look the same. But they're not numbered. You should know what you want. you're making being very angry Ooh, I'm about to get this show so hard I think it's time that I called

The Dink Dink Man The Dink Man Who's the Dink Man? You're about to find out Who is the Dink Man? I know it's me You can hear him when he creeps in going Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink.

Ding-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-h-d-d-d... You went right through this thing. Security, security. You have extra security? We got a hopper. We got a hopper. Where does a sword come from? How'd you hit the ding-d-d-d-d-d-man?

You don't want to go to this store, Eugene? I mean, I'm scared, but I'll... You want to be a customer, sure. Yeah. Don't forget to do the ding-a-digg-digg-d-ding. Well done. Let me walk through the door backwards. Oh, no, the bell is broken.

Ding-ding, ding, ding. Hello, welcome to big a strong. How may I help you? I'm big. It's nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you, too. Thank you. Can I offer you a cold, refreshing drink? You don't have any hot food?

No hot food. Just milkshakes, marts, and egg creams. Could I have a chocolate egg cream? Of course you may. And would you like to hear a little song about it? Yes. Can it be by Lou Reed? Of course it can.

Of course it can. Great. Went to the Apollo, Man, you can see them, go, go, and say, Hey, babe, take a walk on the wild side. With a chocolate and egg cream. Hey, babe, take a walk on the wild side or a bottle or a shake. Hey, babe, take a walk on the mild side.

And the chocolate and the cream goes, do, do do-do, do-do-to-do-doo, do-do, do do, do, doo-d-d-d-do, do do do, do do do, do do, do do, do do, do. Du-thru-thru-doo-du-du-du-d-d-bo-d-a-b-b-a-b-b-a-b-a-b-a-b-a-b-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. These songs, you should sell a CD of these songs. This is, these are incredible. I know another guy who's putting out an EP. Maybe that could be one side, and then your songs could be the other side. What's a knee-pee?

Yeah, did you say me-pee? An-E-P. Oh, un-E-P. An-E-P. Who's Anne E-P? Is there an Anne-E-P here tonight? Anne, where are you? You have the winning raffle ticket.

No, an extended play. Ah. Which is shorter than a normal album. What? But why is it extended? Because it's not a single. It's not a 45. It's not an elbow. It's not an long play.

It's a 78. I used to love it. It's not a whack cylinder. 78. It's so fast. It's 10-inch 78. I love the best 78. You're here. Where the

Where the deputy When a body meets a body Come to the way That is I feel like that's the exact kind of music That was playing on this stage Some 60 years ago By the horses? Yeah

I mean I had a horse from... Just a choir of horses Then a horse's up in this river pool Why can't a horse play an instrument? Yeah What? Percussion. Leith.

Uh-huh. The timpani, maybe? Timpani! Can you imagine a horse stand by one of those big drums? Bracking on it with his hooves. We got to, we got to make it happen. We got to get that open.

Before you die, we got to do this. Please. We've got to put you singing a horse band backing you up. Can we go to the Boston Pops right now? Let's take that shit to Tanglewood. My dream, of course, the Cape Cod and melody text. With our luck, we can just play Canopy Lake Park. Yeah.

That's right. Half this crowd fingered for the first time at Canopy Lake Park. It's, it's, uh, amusement park that we all go to still. It's where they lost their virginity. I just, I just said, half this crowd got fingered for the first time it Canopy Lake Park. Congrats! It's either that or Old Orchard Beach. The mezzanine knows what I'm talking about.

Just soaked in piss by now. Yum, yum. Nom, nom, num. Well, I wish you luck with your business. Thank you. I didn't have such a great time there. I was whisked away by the ding-dink man. I genuinely hope that the next time we're in Boston here,

that we are going to a Bing It Through a Straw franchise, and we see you again. At least I hope you get to see a horse-pignatipity. Do you have an idea of the location where you want to put it? Yes. Fenway Park. Smart? Home plate?

No, pitcher's bound. Pitches mount. So it's right in the middle. Yeah. So you can make a picture of maltese. I can't even thought of that. Like a picture of margaritas? Yeah.

A picture of egg cream. Delicious. Mmm. Glop, glop, glop, glop, glop. Travel's so good. Take it home. Well, good luck to you. Good luck to you

You don't need to say that's like such an asshole I meant it You meant it? Good luck to you Yeah Your face does not Say good luck to me

My face in the crease like a Sharpay You have no idea What I'm thinking All right Bing Lujo everyone Bing Lujo It's all.

It's all move down. Our next guest is... I want to try a new strategy. Everyone in the audience, too, move down one seat. Oh, boy. If you're on the end, then you have to go all the way back over here. Our next guest is a... Ooh, now we can pretend we're in a car.

We're doing a car scene. Yeah. In England. In England. Oh, wait, no. It's a bus. It's a bus. It's just a very wide car.

Oh, this is probably... Ding-ding. Next stop Methuen. Next stop, service merchandise. Forever, I will name local. Oh, Caldor. Diminishing returns. Brigham's and Women Hospital.

All right, our next guest. is in the legal profession. He's an attorney. Please welcome Italiano Jones. I want to get in the car. I want to get in the car. Do you want to get in the car? How do I get in the car? How do I get in the car? I want to get in the car. I want to get in the car. Shotgun, Natalia got a joke. Open up the bus door. Make the noise. Doing!

One, please. Do you have cash? I'm sorry. No problem. I only have coins. Oh, good. Put them in the hole. All right.

That's what it's called the bus hole. Cramm the bus hole. coins in the bus hole. I'm gonna cram my coins in the bus hole. I'm worried that the driver is secretly an alien. Oh, it's so full. It's stuck. That's the perfect amount of money.

Thank you. All right. I'll sit right here by the door. I'll continue to drive. Excuse me, sir. You're blocking my view. Of what? Of that hospital?

I don't know any of the... I don't know any of the references. I'm from Italy. So, in Italy, we have hospitals, too. We have Sicily International. Watch out, driver, watch out. Thank you. Few.

Boy, this thing can turn on a dive. He didn't even touch the brakes. Oh, look, the Liberty Mutual building. Liberty Bibbity? Liberty Bibbity. I'm starting to think they're underwriting the tour. Ooh, look. The Tam.

I got one. That's just an actual nun. What else is outside? Ooh, look. Dunkin' Donuts. Woo. Scott, are you okay? I came as soon as I could.

I came all the way. way to Boston for you. Hi, Italiano. It's so good to see you. It's good to see you, too, Scott. Are you okay? You said you were in dire, dire desperate need. I don't, I don't remember saying that. I remember... He might have been saying diarrhea. Scott, you could have let me stay in Italy. I can't help your diarrhea.

What have you been eating? I also have it, too. One thing I have learned about Boston is that all they do is drink clam juice all day. So I have been doing as such. clam juice or clam chowder? Juice. What is chowder? That's a good question. What is a chowder?

What is chowder? Oh, it's like a thick soup. It's a hot, thick milk milk-based soup with clams. Hot milk soup. Wait, milk-based soup? I believe. Yeah. Oh, we might have our first hot item.

Bing it through a straw. You can bing it through a straw. You can bang it through a straw. Also called. the New England egg cream. Ooh, creamy eggs. I like malted milk powder. Do you? I'd love it.

Sometimes I just eat the powder. It's a good idea. Scott, are you dying? No, Italiano, I'm... I just asked if you, you know, we're going to be in any of these cities. Ooh, look. Yeah.

Another building. Wow. Boston has so many buildings. Should we break out of the busch configuration? Sure. It feels like we should. All right. Can.

Taliano Jones, you're a... Yes, Scott. What is it, Scott? Tell me what it is, Scott. Tell me what it is, Scott. What do you want? You're a lawyer. Yes.

Yes, you're a lawyer. I'm going to sit next to this man. Sure. And you're from the town of... Italy. Right. I am the tallest... For those who don't know me,

my name is Italiano Jones. That is a family name. I am the tallest man in Italy. and you're six foot five it's not that tall compared to fuck you Scott

I'm sorry I hate to get off on the wrong I know what I agree with Italian Jones fuck you Scott yeah there are no taller lawyers in the whole town of Italy

than me have you been injured Scott I noticed that when I was chasing you around you had a limp I recently had foot surgery, yes Yes, foot surgery? I can sue the doctor Did he do a good job?

Jury's out You were limping around We'll see I may require your services soon We can sue the doctor We can take him for everything he has Yeah? Yes, what would you like?

Seems like he has a house What would you like that he has? A house, a Porsche, all doctors do you have Porsches Seems like he has a house wherever his office is not because he's never in the office. Exactly. So we will take that house from him and bring him to the office.

He will be forced to sleep in his office because we will take his house. How many houses do you own? Me? Sure. I own 12 houses. Wow! All across the United Nations.

I have a house here in Boston. Wow, wow. Yes, it is... No wonder you know all the specifics. Oh, exactly. It is on Boylston Street. Okay. Not bad.

Yeah. Oh, buy that Apple store. By that Apple store. Sure. Yes. I live right there by the Apple store. I'm constantly buying Apple products. Right near Italy.

What the fuck did you say? Oh, boy. Oh boy. Who is this? It sounds like you live in your Italy. Who is this man? Who is this man? Have you ever seen Bob's burgers?

Yes. He's one of the kids on it. Ah, we have, our version in Italy is Bob Spaghetti. There's vomit on his sweater already. Bob spaghetti. Eatily. disrespectful and how are you pronouncing that that is the wrong way to pronounce my hometown and it's pronounced itly

you have any interesting cases going on these days you're sort of a you're a litigious lawyer I'm a litigious lawyer of liturgical services and I have by the way by the way just and liturgical I'm litigious and liturgical you must praise the lord if you come into my office you must Just praised him. Both our laws and God's laws. God's laws. I assume people who disobey God's laws.

Speaking of which, though, Bing over here... Hi, I'm Bing! Yes? Bing was the cause of his wife's death, not four days ago. Interesting. It was a terrible accident. Thou shall not kill.

I know. But it doesn't say anything, like, by accident? No, thou shalt kill if it is a... an accident, you'll be okay. Okay. Yeah. Well, you should do it if it's an accident. If it's an accident, you should definitely kill.

Shout! But maybe you could help being here to sue God. Sue God? I want to sue God for taking my wife away from me. Oh, this is the trial of the century right here. We can probably get you about $10,000

from God. From God? Yeah. Fuck. I really want to be feeling. Don't say that in the same sentence. Sorry. We're talking about church. I'm not talking about church, you fuck.

I want to really make God feel it, you know what I mean? Yeah, it really hit him where it hurts in the pockets. Well, because they don't have money up there in heaven, so $10,000 would be like... They don't have money in heaven, Scott, what are you? That would be like $100,000 up there. Yeah, the exchange rate of American dollars to heaven dollars is very poor. I have been, I have had multiple cases. Name a subject.

I guarantee you, I guarantee you, I've had a case in it. Okay. What about collectibles? Sheesh. Trading cards, you know. I just sued an antique collectible store

because a man shoved a bunch of collectibles up his ass and they didn't come out. I won. That's the store's fault? If they had come out, the store would have been in the clear? They should have said

the collectibles would be too big for his ass. And they did not. tell him. What were the collectibles, just out of curiosity? Trinkets, gizmos, gadgets, odds and ends, even some old string. I walked right into that courtroom. Can you show us, you know, what it looked like?

Yes. Everybody hummed the Perry Mason theme song. Greetings. Hello. My name is Italiano Jones. That is a family name. I am the tallest attorney in Italy. I stand six foot five inches tall.

Don't question it. Today on my agenda, I would like to sue these people. What for you ask? I'll allow it. This is my client. Stand up, sir. Yeah. I put a lot of funcos in my...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Rare ones. And all the magic the gathering cards. Yes. You better be going somewhere with this counselor.

The issue is that this man's store, Scott Ackerman Collectibles, he did not disclose that those funcos, all rare ones. I think I've heard all I need to hear. here. I find for you, sir, against

Scott Ackerman Collectibles. $10,000 to be paid by Scott Ackerman. That's $100,000 in heaven bucks. You're going to be rich, sir. I'm going to be rich for $10,000. I can have a few meals. Praise God.

Wow. I can eat for a month. Wow. So many scenes. tonight. Yeah. I love it. This is what it must have been like

to be an ass cat. Is your food budget really $10,000 a month? $120,000 a year? For my whole family, for lunches. Sorry. $10,000 of...

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I can't do the math right away. That's a whole lot of clam juice. Say a chicken is $200, right? So if I have a $200 chicken every afternoon then it must be somewhere

around 10,000 a month. This checks out. Yeah. Yeah. I love an afternoon chicken. Yeah. Just eat a whole afternoon every afternoon I eat a whole chicken. Yeah, savour it over the course of the afternoon.

Innerds, everything. Yeah. Just tear at the carcass. The beak? Yeah, yeah. The beak? The feathers. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, beak. Bighted in the neck. See the blood spurt? When you do it, the chicken starts a line?

Yeah, we buy whole living chickens in Inman Square. And then we smoke them starting at 6 a.m. And then they're ready at one. And they are dry. There's a long time to smoke a chicken. It's at 80 degrees, so they're also very disease-ridden. 80 degree chicken. If you never have it, have it at least once.

And then I will help you sue because you will be sick. Like Scott. How many cases have you won, like percentage-wise over the years? Percentage-wise? Yeah. 99% of cases are won by me.

Really? Mm-hmm. What's the one percent? What's the one that got away? Oh, I'll tell you about it. Hum the Perry Mason theme song. Bona. All right.

This court will come to order. My name is Italian. My name is Italian Jones. It is a family name. I am of Italy and descent. Hey, what was that last part? Italy and you want me to read it back? I'm the court report.

Yes, please. Tick, tick, tick, tick. My name is Taliano Jones. It's a family name. I have a Indian descent. It was less clear when you said it. That's what I said. Don't wear it out.

I'll allow it. Please don't wear it out, Judge. Okay. I like you. Judge, I'm here representing my client. He murdered a busload of elderly adults. Or did I? My case closed.

Open and shut. I fine for the defendant. No! And that's the 1%. Do you think that the case could go better if you would not start out by saying, My client murdered a bus full of elderly people. Sir, I am nothing, if not honest.

I do wish he had started with some say, allegedly, allegedly. Rumor has it. Rumor has it. Sometimes I sing Adele in the courtroom. But we don't get to see that. No. I mean, rule of threes does dictate that we see that. Okay.

I'm the Barry Mason theme song. This court will come to order. Italiano Jones, you wanted to say something first. Oh, you know who I am already. Your reputation precedes you, sir. the tallest lawyer in Italy it's an honor to have you in my court I heard that you

settle down that you found a girl and you're married now I heard that your dreams came true guess she gave you faith Oh, friend, why you're so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back or hide for the life. I hate to turn up out of the blue un-invited, but I couldn't stay away. I couldn't fight it. I hope you see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over. I wish nothing but the best for you Don't forget me I mean I remember you Sometimes it lasts in love

And sometimes it hurts instead Sometimes it works Sometimes it hurts It's there Incredible Wow Open this case Your Honor

I rule in favor of you Italiano Jones You've done it again Italiano Jones Everyone Beautiful. Moving, genuinely moving. That ate up a lot of my time.

I'm sorry I made you do that, but wow, you connected with this jury so hard. I know two things, I know three things about Boston. I know Boylston Street. Yep. Clam juice, and they love Adele. Yep, she's from here. Boston's own. Boston's own.

I saw her open for Aerosmith once. Yeah. Who hasn't? All right, well, we need to get to our next guest. Should we get on the bus? Wow. You know, wait, we don't do the bus again? Should we let this person get on the bus?

Why don't we just be a long airplane? We're already a long airplane. Oh, man. A very long cockpit. Is this the same type of a plane? Sir, can you please take your seat? The seatbelt sign is on. Bing.

Are you playing a flight attendant? Yeah. I like the... I've been instructed by the pilots to sit in my jump seat. I'm the navigator. An obsolete position in commercial air flight. I'm the gunner.

What kind of plane is this? It's a normal passenger plane that is worried. Who are you, Yankton? I'm the guy that got extra screening. That makes sense. Totally random, but yet somehow very invasive extra screening. That name has too many vowels in it.

I could use a good lawyer, actually. I want to talk to you after. I will sue TSA. I wish I could recommend clear, but it didn't work for me. Because I'm a cataract. You can't get a good scan of your retina? Between the time I signed up

and the time I used it. Your eyes got all foggy, couldn't say? Yeah. All right, guys. Well, we need to get to our next act. Really? Our next guest, I guess.

Not an act. It's actually, I mean, this is kind of personal to me. This is a relative of mine. This time it is? This time it's personal. Aw. This is, you know, when you do a show, sometimes your relatives want to come.

They want to see the show. And sometimes they say, hey, what if I were to get up on stage with you? And so one of my relatives is here. Welcome to my grandmother. This is Nana. Come on back out, Nana. Come on back out. Hello, Scott. My beloved boy.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. Did I miss your piano recital? No. This is the show. We're in the middle of the show. A show on a long airplane? What the hell? I guess I'll be the sexy flight attendant.

Well, actually, this could be a good connection, Bing and Nana. This is not bad. Bing Crosby is here. I wish. It's me Bing Luzzo. Malt shop proprietor. He runs a malt shop in Mammot something. Valley.

We also sell egg creams and milksakes. And soon to be. A hot chowder. I can't understand the word you're saying. Ooh, it's working. You're nagging her. Scott, Scott, please, I hate to turn up out of the blue univated. But...

I get that. I couldn't stay away. I know. I understand. I couldn't find it. All right, Nana. All right. And now I missed your song, which is a real shame because I didn't believe these chickeny little wrists could play a damn thing.

But how did the recital go? We're doing it. We're in the middle. This is happening. Where's your piano then, chicken lover? I... I stopped... Have you been practicing? Have you even been practicing piano on, like, if not a keyboard, like a big long piece of paper that you just draw the keys on?

I stopped taking lessons when I was six, Nana. I don't do it anymore. And what year did you open the mall shop? That's around the same time. Come on. Well, you're probably wondering why I'm late. We all have our own microphones now. Why are you late? I was curious.

You're wondering, huh? Yes. I have devastating news, Scott. Oh, no, Nana. Is everyone all right? No. 22 people and 14 horses have died in the great molasses flood of Boston. That can't, that certainly can't be the only information you have on this event. Is this new? Like, again?

It happened again! How did we not learn after the first one? Simply the tank was engineered with only a third of the amount of steel it was supposed to have. Again! And 13,000 metric tons of molasses poured into the strait, Scott. Was it Boylston Street? It was on the north end of Boston, and 22 people and 14 horses died. It's so many more people than horses.

It must have smelled so nice, though. What a way to go. Frozen in molasses. Some people say you can still smell the molasses in the cobblestone. It just happened today, you were saying, though? Well... So some people are still able to smell. It happened in 1919, but it hasn't stopped.

Oh. Are there people frozen in molasses like Pompeii? Yeah, remember the mosquito and Ambah from Jurassic Park? Do I? Well, they're getting along. They're flirting. They're flirting. They're getting along.

Remember that guy in Pompey who's, like, jerking it? Oh, yes. Why would you say that to your grandmother? You don't know my grandmother. Honestly, think about that. You said that in front of your grandmother to, like, a thousand-something Bostonians? You don't know my grandmother.

She's fucked in the head. Jesus. And he's fucked in the ass. What? You don't know my little Scott. He's a natural born pervert, aren't you boy? And when he was little, he'd play the piano by dyncing out his dunger,

and he'd go, look, look, three hands. And you'd play Edelweiss, wouldn't you, boy? My favorite song. Well, I got swept away by the molasses, and I'd joint my head on Fenway Park. Wait, you were in the molasses for me? Oh, yes. I was, that's how I got here in the goo.

You served the goo? I served the goo until I slipped down the sewer and I was... So this just sounds like a teenage mutant ninja turtle situation. No, no, no, you got sewer. No, it's not at all. I went into the sewer. Was there pizza?

There was a little pizza. Was there a talking rat? No, but there were four tall green men. Okay. Barsh and maple syrup turtles. Funny you should say that Because they cornered me in the sewer And they held a gun to my head

And they said, you have a choice You can either become teenaged or mutant Or ninja or turtle God, this is like a fuck Mary kill type of situation Which one did you pick? Plus turtle He sounds like you, my boy Fuck turtle, those were your first words, remember?

I was a big entourage, fan. I loved him. So what did you pick? Well, I didn't want to be any of them. I said, no, leave me be. I just want to be Scott's grandma. Aw, Nana.

But they wouldn't let me, so they said before the clock strikes midnight, I'll be all four. No! Wait, tonight, midnight? Uh-oh. I feel the first one happening. Uh-oh.

This is really before. Which one? Teenage! Oh my God, Nana! Oh, my God, Nana! You're so cool! Whoa! Nana!

You're so cool! Don't hurt yourself. You dabbed? Oh, yeah. So many dabs. Whoa, Nana. You're a rebel. What a cool team.

I absolutely ate and left no crumbs. Why is your voice still so old? This is what I sounded like when I was a little girl. Oh, really? Oh, yes, Scott. Oh, I feel so teenage tonight. I have a crush on every boy in the room. Do you girls want to have a slumber party?

Sorry, do we throw shrimp on the Barbie? Do you girls want to have a slumber party? Yes. Let's play truth of there. Okay, you. go first, truth or dare. Okay, um, I dare you

to have sex with your chair. Uh-oh. I'm not allowed to do that anymore, so I choose truth. Okay, be honest. Have you ever had sex with a chair? Two times. Your turn.

Okay. You. Truth are dead. Uh, truth. Okay, here comes. I think, are you supposed to establish what the dare is first? No, did you want to ask him to have sex with his chair? Yeah.

Is that the only dare we're doing? It could be funny. I dare you to make love to a chair. Oh, I'll do truth just because I'm not that into this chair. What's wrong? I don't like skinny legs. No, no, I like skinny legs. I mean, I like the... I don't want to insult the chair, you know?

It's just like I'm not into fucking the chair in front of all these people. Or making love to it, I'm sorry. All right, truth. Wish you like more. Los Angeles or Boston. Ooh. You gotta tell the truth.

Ooh. Boston, baby. Yeah. Bean Town for life. Now, what do you do if you think someone is lying for sure? I think you make him fuck a chair.

Yeah. Blowp. Blowp. Blowlop, blowp. He called on. Now I'm not blind if he had to walk. Bwbawb, blah, Bauder vise.

Adir vise. I'm horny. Let's do it. Jason Manzookis was short-stroken that chair. Quick pumps, quick pumps. I gotta get out quick. Chair's too hot.

Your turn, Jason. Oh, yes. Italiano Jones, truth or dare? Sorry, do you want to fuck your chair? Or do you want to do it truth? I do both. This is unprecedented. Are you really the tallest

lawyer in Italy? Exqueez me I am six for five inches tall You have a very good question I am six foot five inches tall I am so tall that we don't use the metric system

to describe me even in Europa You still haven't answered Can't help but notice You haven't answered the question Cue up the ponies got Blomop Blombe

Bwob, bwob, bwob, bwob. I know it. Oh, no. Oh, no. What's happening? Oh, oh, oh, I feel the second part coming on. Oh, no. Which one is this, Nana?

Must be mutants. Oh, no. She's mutating. But still a teenager. Oh, my God. This is hideous. Wow. I can't believe what I'm seeing.

The only word to describe what's happening is mutation. He's mutant. How could anyone even describe what we see in front of us? It's the future of the human, right? Do it, kill it! Kill it! Do it! I'll represent you in court. Kill him. To be clear, this is separate from turtle.

So it's mutant. The turtle part has not happened yet. Turtle is yet to cow. This is teenage. Manna only. Sugar, water. More. More.

Don't kill that bog. And don't kill that cockroach. It's my son. Wow. Now, I will represent you for killing, Scott, but I cannot represent you in the crime against God that is turning into a mutant. Well.

Well, I think that's over. Nana, do you need a quick rest? Yes. Catch your breath? This is tiring stuff being mutated. What happened? I blacked out. You mutated into this. Oh, no.

Not the third thing. Oh, no. What's the third thing? Nana. Ninja. Oh, ninja. Uh-oh. How are you going to demonstrate this?

Is this? Is this ninja? I'll demonstrate, but... Very... How about, okay. Okay, ninja? Okay. Swear to God, you guys will do what I say.

Swear to God? Okay. How about this? Genuinely, okay? It's a competition. You guys all have to close your eyes and count to ten, and then when you open them,

if anyone can find me, I'm not a ninja, If you can't find me, I am. Oh, okay. So you will have stealthily hidden yourself like a ninja. Yes, and see if you can find me. Okay, so everybody, I guess, for ten seconds at all. And everyone in the audience, too.

Yeah, everybody. No, those guys are on my side. Okay. These people, I have an update. They are not on your side. These people are against all of us. These are all happening before midnight. No?

She said it would be before the stroke of midnight. Oh, okay. Yeah, the last one will probably. It's already hit at midnight. Okay, so we'll close on. Okay, close your eyes. And count to ten. The countdown starts right now.

Ten. Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Ninja! Happy New Year! She's gone! Wow. Wow. Oh, my God, where is she?

She must be a ninja. I mean. I'm impressed. The only explanation is that she's a ninja. Nana moved quick. You can't count down from 10 without saying 6'5. You've always said it. Over here, motherfuckers.

What? Nana. I'm in the crowd and I've borrowed a sweaty man's hat. Oh, huge, huge mistake, Nana. Nana? Can we get more house lights? No. I can see you, motherfuckers.

But you can't see me. I can't find it anywhere. You're not up in the mezzanine, are you, with all those other... All those piss freaks? Yeah. Are you pissed-soaked in the mezzanine? How can I see you if you can't see me, huh? How many fingers am I holding up?

Four, bitch. Huh. Oh, she's got your number. That is definitely your grandmother. This is genuinely baffling. If you can't find me in five seconds, you've got to pull out your penis, Scott. You've got to, Nana's rules.

Five seconds. Pull out that penis and play that song, you promised us, boy. One. Don't do it this way. Here I am. His dick's got a fingernail in it. Whoa, Nana. She was hiding on your hat.

She definitely has lice. Wow. Oh, what a gentleman. Congratulations, Nana. You're true. I am a ninja, huh? Well done for loaning the hat. I mean, this crowd really helped you out.

Well, it's us against the molasses, isn't it? Yeah. Congratulations, Nana. You say the final one Turtle is not happening for a while? Might happen at midnight. Whoa! No, it's gonna happen at midnight. All right, Nana, everyone.

Nana! Nana! All right, we have one final guest here. He works in the finance industry. in the finance industry. He's a financial advisor. Please welcome Doug Gropes. Hello.

Hello, I am Doug Gropes, and I am here to make your day awesome. Were you holding it at the bottom of the phone the whole time? Guys, I woke up today, I swear to God, I woke up today, and I thought this is going to be the best day of my life. And guess what? It has turned out that it is the best day of my life, and because it is the best day of my life, it is going to be the best day of your life as well.

Not you specifically, just a little high five, a little high five, and that's it. Scott, how are you? I'm over here. You look to everyone. So many people. And God, isn't that what's beautiful about the world? So many people.

Sometimes it's hard to zero in on who you want to talk to, right? Sometimes it's hard to do that. Hi. I don't want that. No. And that's, isn't that what's great? He doesn't want it, and I'm accepting that. Listen, all right.

So what do we all want? What do we all want in the world? We want to be successful. What does that mean? Does that money? Hmm. That wouldn't be bad, yeah. It wouldn't be bad.

Today, I'm going to very quickly tell you how to turn something into more. Does that make sense to you? I mean, anything? Yeah, anything. Okay. Let me just, let me start very simply. Who will sell me something for $5? Who out here has something?

My grandson goes for that. Bryce? Go on, go on, boy. Shut the fuck up. What will you sell me for $5? Your glasses. You're going to sell me

this glass. Oh, you're going to sell me Raybans? You're an idiot. Okay. Okay. But we'll do it. Let's go with it.

Because that's what the world's about. Sometimes you run into people who you don't know how to deal with. These are real These are prescription Let's go, let's get Let's start something

Why don't you just take the case? As much as a bit I wanted to. Why don't you just take the case? There's got to be something lower stakes out there. It's got to be worth less than $5. Who's going to do it? What do you got over here? A J.P. Licks Cow card.

We got a J.P. Licks Cow card. Okay. Sure. That's a real. And can you, can you confirm that's a real J.P. Lick Scout card? Yeah, I just don't know if it has money on it. You know what? Is this going to turn into a magic trick? Yeah.

Well, you know what the funny thing about life is? Everything's a little bit magic, right? Everything's a magic trick. Go to hell. Okay, so. And I hope I do. Because if I do go to hell, I'm going to make it into a happy place. Who's got a, who wants to take this J.P. Licks and trade it for something they have?

We only got, quick, grab something, and yeah, are you taking, are you fucking taking pictures of me? I love it. Somebody over there. Because that's what life is about, right? Somebody over there was having something. Okay, what do we have over here? Can you pass the, can you guys trade this back for whatever is coming forward? And that's the thing, Scott.

Sometimes you don't know what you're going to get. Right, right. That's a, uh, this is a napkin. This is a napkin. napkin. It's a napkin. Now, a lot of you, I get it. A lot of you are saying, now a napkin is not worth as much as $5, let alone a J.P. Licks card, which we did not get a value on. We did not get a value on that. You might be fucked because I could sell each of these for, I could sell each of these. Okay, so last time, who has something they will trade these for? What do you got?

you got a, it looks like a five-stamp Herbie's double club. What is up with this town and rewards cards? All for play? What the fuck? Okay. And then lastly, who has a size 36 to 38 pants

that they will trade with me for these? Somebody out there has my pants Now, the last time we saw you out on the road, you traded pants with an audience member. And that is what I want to do right now. If I can find them, I will trade you these together. You want the original pants? I want my original pants back.

This was up in Maine. This was in Portland, Maine. No, this was in Rhode Island. It was in Rhode Island. Yeah, but it wasn't here. Raise your hand. Was it when Comedy Bang Bang? Was it Club Babyhead?

I don't think it was. I don't think it was. somebody's out there. Raise your hand or... Is he up there? Up in the balk? Up in the true balk? Please bring him down and get his pants off.

And I will... Come down and take your pants off, sir. Okay. Give us those pants. Take off your pants, sir. Come on down. I will trade... If security can escort this man down here,

we're going to take off his pants. We're going to swap him. I'm not giving you my belt. It sounds like a police. This is what happened. money is circular everything goes full circle take your pants off before he comes down here

no listen with all due respect I'll do whatever the fuck I want I want and I have been it has been a year and I have been dying to get these pants back

it's been two years since you traded pants with this gentleman these are not the same pants I will let you know that. But I will say the pants that I did get from him were Amazon Basics.

Wow, you're putting this guy on blast. This dude's so broke. He wears Amazon Basics. Where are we? Where are you, sir? Where are we, sir? Come down here so we can roast you. You're back here? Let's get these. Come on. Come on.

Come on up. If you could give those to him back there, right Here, well... No, come on, have him come up on stage. Oh, wait, you want him on stage? Yeah, we want him on stage. I really don't think we should let this happen. This is a...

Later, we'll say that this was the line... This was when it happened. This was the tipping point. This is a true fan. Honestly, you have to understand this is what... This is... This is... I thought of a face.

I've got to be able to say it, but you can have to... Do you feel comfortable with this boy? You don't have to do it if you don't want it. No, you have to do it. No, you has to do it. You can go offstage if you want. You can go off stage if you want. You don't have to hide behind the long airplane.

I'll go, no. And guys, this is what it's about. This is what money is. Money goes from a $5 bill to a card, to another card, to napkins, and then we're back at pants. What I'm trying to tell you is don't worry so much about money. Because at the end

of the day, you're going to get your pants back. Nobody's listening. They're just watching your dick jump up and down. Are these actually... Oh, these are great. These are great. And these better be Amazon Basics. I'm going to check... Oh, they're Lee.

Oh, nice. By the way... An upgrade. Total freedom relaxed fit. Wow. I mean, to be honest, Doug, this is sort of what you're teaching. He upgraded from Amazon Basin. use your pants and now he's wearing Lee

Now you're tucking into something called Total Freedom Hold on your panties are hanging out the back The pants fits! The pants fits! The pants fit? You must acquit. The pants fit. The pants fit.

This is beautiful. This is beautiful. This is, thank you so much. What's his name? What's your name, sir? Mike. Mike Hogan, you said? Mike from Rhode Island? Mike from Rhode Island, yes.

Mike from Rhode Island! This reminds me of Cinderella. I think we've all... The fact that it's boring? We have all learned a lot tonight. Oh, boy. We've all learned a lot. Are you wrapping yourself up?

And I think what we want to take from this is that no matter what happens. at some point continuing to talk while you struggle to put your shoes on. You have to. You got those pants on so quickly in the shoes. You've got to be willing to be willing to do that.

And that's, I think, was that yours originally? Okay, well, it's yours for now. It's your shirt now. Sonia panties are hanging out to back pockets. What's that? Other side. The back pocket is out like you're a, Bobo.

You need to help me and can you tuck that in for me? Now the other one's out. All right, well, here's the thing, guys. Sitting for the first time. I don't like to sit. It's bad for you. It's bad for your heart.

It's bad for your soul. So I only do it occasionally. But I will say, this has been such a joy. You just wanted a pair of people. pants. Listen, if you run into an opportunity to get a pair of Lee relaxed fit.

How relaxed is... True freedom? Yeah. How relaxes this fit, Doug? True freedom. True freedom. Are you, can I ask you guys, are you happy with your financial situation? Yeah.

You are? Yeah. You sure? I guess I could be happier. Is that what you? That's what I'm saying. Now, Doug, if you get up right now and you trade pants with me. With you? Yeah.

I don't think you'll fit in mine. Oh, what are you talking about? These chicken little legs? These pants would fit anyone. No, come on. It does make sense. I'm not going to try. I don't want the original pants.

I mean, I'm not saying. But you guys understand what I'm saying, right? money is just a construct and pants are real pants are real you get it mm-hmm

this tempted to trade pants would you trade pants with me no but I am this tempted so it's like could be this but it isn't it's this it's such a great lesson though how of what

how is it a great lesson Spell it out. What's the lesson? Okay. All right. Let's take it down a notch and really talk about the lesson. Let's take it down. Okay, let's break down the lesson. Let's all calm down.

I do get that. I get that a lot. Let's all get down and take down a notch. And let's talk about... Let's huddle up, team. Huddle up. Okay. Doug is going to tell us a lesson.

From an early age, man was taught that money was most important, right? I have bad knees. I'm six for five Man was taught that money was the most important, right? But what does money do? It buys goods and services. What's that?

It buys goods and services? It buys clothes and services. What? What are just five services it buys? They can buy ice cream. That's one service. You can buy, uh, band-aids. Two.

Uh, do you, I could name a thousand. Can you name three more services, though? Gas. And band-aids aren't really a service. Oh. Have you ever been bleeding? Thank you. Thank you.

You're right, Eugene. I can't read if you're on my side or not. I don't know. No, I think, honestly, the thing we have to think about is in today's world, and it's an election year, and I'm sure, like me, we're all Trumpers, and we're... Oh, no, duh. No, I think it's true, right? We all know what's going to help the economy.

Now I'm starting to understand why you wanted a pair of true freedom pants. All right, that's our show, everybody. Oh, Brian Goal, Lisa Gilroy, Paul, Paul Tarks, Eugene Murman, Jason Manzookis, Mr. Paul and Tompkins. Scott Hockerman. Thank you, Boston. We love you so much. Thank you. Yum!