Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2024 Tour, Atlanta (Paul F. Tompkins, Carl Tart, Lily Sullivan, Will Hines)

Episode Date: May 14, 2026

This Bonus Bang is live from Atlanta, as Scott welcomes to the stage Mike The Janitor, MC Sugarbutt, Kayla Dickie, and Morpheus The Dream Lord. Special thanks to The Tabernacle! Originally released June 19, 2024. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing fabulous episodes of comedy bang bang out from behind the paywall. Now, this week's bonus bang is the latest episode in a series that we're in the middle of, and we're calling this a quickie with Kayla Dickie. Now, this series has been going on a long time, so it's not really a quickie, but that rhymes with Dickie, so what are you going to do? So in this series we're showcasing episodes featuring Kayla Dickie, played by Lily Sullivan. She is the woman who, of course, for some reason, is flattered by getting yelled at by guys in big trucks. And this episode is called 2024 Tour Atlanta. It was recorded live at the Tabernacle Theater in Atlanta on our 2024 live tour. and it was originally released to subscribers at CBBWorld.com on June 19th, 2024.

Who's on the episode? We have four great guests. We have first up, Paul F. Tompkins, playing Mike the janitor. Then we have Carl Tart playing MC Sugarbutt. We have Lily playing Kayla Dickey. And then Will Hines as Morpheus, the dream lord. Now, this is a great live episode. If you want to come out and see us live, we're starting the tour in a little, uh, it's a little over. over a week maybe, very, very soon, and we're coming back to Atlanta, amongst other places. Go check out all of the tour dates and buy your tickets at CBBworld.com slash tour. Now, if you enjoy this episode and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, as well as other shows like CBB Presents and Scott hasn't seen, The Neighborhood Listen, College Town, become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com.

We have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, every single live episode we've ever done. All of this ad-free. Also, more original shows. Now, we're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Oh, Atlanta. We're back, Atlanta.

Oh, my gosh. Hi, hi! The crazies have made it! Hi! Oh shit, I have to do this. Hold on one second. Lisa Kudrow is probably my favorite Phoebe, but I don't want to burn any bridgers.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Alvaro Mendez from Panama. He, uh, his third time getting a catchphrase in on this tour, congratulations. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. So wonderful to be back here at the Tabernacle in Atlanta. Love this place. Yes. The bartender was clapping. Yes. Above her head. His or her head. Their head. I came here. I've talked about this on stage. I came here. I sat up in the back row of the top Balk in the year of Our Lord 2000, and I saw the roots here and Erica Badu and this is just a

wonderful theater and we're so happy to be back. Can I ask how many of you have never heard of Comedy Bang Bang at all? Now you don't need to wave a flashlight. That's getting into hurting my feelings. So there's a few of you. You're going to have a good time tonight. Let me explain exactly what you're about to see. My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you. And it's sort of like a talk show. It's an improvised podcast. These conversations we're going to have here tonight have never been had before. They will never be had again by any human being. Not even the greetings. The word hello will never be used again. after this, come on down.

It's our good friends. Podcast royalty in the house. Stuff you should know. So we have some good guests coming out. A little later, we have someone in the service industry. Yes, we have a musician. We have a woman. So it's going to be a great time here tonight.

We're just going to be talking to these people and finding out about their lives. It's going to be a wonderful night. So get ready. It's going to be a great one. And before we do that, though, there is a very pee. I think I was trying to get to the portent part of important.

Just wanted to rush through that in. We have a very important piece of business that we have to do. And of course, what I'm talking about, ladies and gentlemen, is the most exciting 15 seconds in podcasting. That's right. It's called The Balcony Report.

Who's ready? Now, what the Balcony Report is, and you're very excited, I can tell. It is not a shout-out to the balconies or the people in the balconies. We have people up there. Yeah? No, you're not important. These people paid real money. They have a lot of space up there.

Not very filled up there. I must say, hello. You don't have to dance while you get to your seat. It's okay. She's doing sort of a sneaking dance. What the balcony report is, is this is merely an opportunity for me to inform the audience here and at home listening regarding the amount of balconies that are in each venue in which we perform. Purely informational.

There are people who listen to the show who are fans of venues. And we have an exciting new wrinkle on the balcony report for this tour. Not only will I be informing you of how many balconies there are in this venue, but I will be telling you how many balconies total we've had across the entire tour. I know. So, hold on to your fucking dicks. So I'm going to be telling you two numbers. The first number will be, I guess I could do it backwards.

No, let's do it the way I always do it. The first number will be the number of balconies in this venue. The second number will be total number of balconies on the tour to date. In Atlanta, Georgia, I am pleased as punch to announce that the tabernacle has two balconies. And this second number, I'm going to give you a little preview. We're crossing over into the double digits. Yeah.

We have performed for 10 balconies total. 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, X if we were in Rome. Or Elon Musk. So yeah, that just happened. My traditional, can we get more in the monitors? An important part of the tour. Almost as important as the balcony report. All right, I believe I've wasted enough time getting everyone seated.

Are you ready to start this show? Coming to the stage is our first guest. He is, I mentioned it before, he's in the service industry. And the service he provides is he, well, he's in maintenance, let's just say. Please welcome to the show, Mike the janitor. I can't tell if these are for our little butts or, oh, it's probably for the mics. I think for the mics. I know your name is Mike, so you got very excited.

Mr. Rockman, I didn't even mean it that way. I meant, is it, is it, I thought it was for perspiration. I do believe it so that the mics don't roll off onto the floor. You do believe that. With every fiber of my being, I believe that. I wish they could invent something where, if you wanted to have a microphone, stay in one place. Just have it stand there, if you will. You wouldn't have to use a towel.

Wouldn't that be cool if microphones had wheels and were sort of like Roombos and they could go wherever they wanted? Oh, call Richard Scarry. I'd love to see a town full of microphones. Is that the guy who invented the segue? I don't understand that connection. It's a very frightening name.

Scary. They have startled me. But is it? Because there's no good way. either scary or scory. Yeah, either is terrible. Why is there a black draper on this clock? I don't think they want anyone

knowing it's a clock. What would you think this is? They can't see it. The front row can't see it. Maybe third row, what do you think? Who's back far enough to know? Water bottle. You would have thought that was a water bottle. It's a pleasure to see you, Mr. Rockman.

It's been quite some time. It has. Mike the janitor. Thank you so much for coming. We met years ago. when I was the janitor at Earwolf. That's right. At the Earwolf Studios, you came into the show while we were taping one day.

I just wanted to make sure it was clean for you guys while you were recording. Yeah. Normally a janitor does that beforehand. Right, but, you know, that's a very filthy place, and I had a hard time keeping on top of it. And, you know, it's also, it's my job. I love it. Look, here's what I do.

I clean up people's filth, and all I ask in return is a paycheck. It's a simple, simple process. It's a simple process. And that paycheck, it doesn't necessarily need to come immediately after cleaning the filth. No. Who am I? Chuck Berry?

You've got to give me a briefcase full of... Full of cash? No. It can be every two weeks or so. Every two weeks, not bad. I do direct deposit. Thank you very much. There are many ways around... So many ways around giving a check right there, yeah.

Sure. That's true. Well, it's wonderful to have you. We've known each other so long. So many crazy things have happened to you over the years. Well, yeah. I mean, I did have a wife swap life swap. It's very hard to say.

Yeah, wife swap, life swap. And you know what? It was sloppy, too. Yeah. But that's how I ended up being a janitor. I used to be a Harvard professor of mathematics. And I was approached by a janitor who said, hey, how would you like to do a wife swap and a life swap?

I thought it was for a TV show. It wasn't. This was just for life. You thought it was going to be for a fixed amount of time, perhaps a shooting schedule of a month or something. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then maybe I'd get in the union, you know? Right.

You had aspirations to be in the... Well, I mean, I had stars in my eyes when that happened. I thought I could be the first janitor turned actor. I don't think it's ever happened. before. Oh, I wonder, yeah. Do you think there's anyone in Hollywood that used to be a janitor, Mr. Hockerman? I don't know. I read an interview

with one actor today who has, you know, he's like C-list or something. Oh, okay. And... How do we determine this? Just in my estimation. You know it when you feel it. He's never starred in a movie, but you see him pop up in TV shows. I think he's...

Josh Lucas is his name. And... I didn't think you're actually going to name the fellow. Come at me, Josh. But the headline was Josh Lucas says his good looks got in the way of his acting. Yeah, that happens.

You know, in Hollywood, they hate good looks. That happens. Yeah. It's hard to act. If you're too handsome, it makes it hard to emote because your face is just fixed in a handsome way. And you can't ugly cry if you're handsome. Good point.

Tom Cruise ugly cried in that meagre in that Magnolia movie. That's right. He's just weird-looking enough to act. He's got that schnaz. He used to have that one tooth in the middle of his mouth.

Then he got braces. Where his tongue was? Yeah. I didn't think it was possible to take it that way, but as always, Mr. Rockman, you open new doors for me.

So you were, you did the wife swap, life swap. You have a new wife or new-ish since you did this thing. Not anymore. No, what happened? The last time I saw you, the wife-swap part of the equation was going pretty well.

You were less than enthused about your end of it, as I recall. Yeah. I loved my wife. You know, I miss it. Please don't ask me her name. Let's let her just go about her life in peace. It would make me cry as why. Yes, exactly.

We don't need to Josh Lucas. her. Thank you. So you were unhappy, and who was your, who ended up being your wife? The one who was no longer my wife, you mean? Yeah, well, I mean, you swapped. Who did you love so much? I loved my wife so much. Then I got this other wife. Then you got the other wife. That's who I'm asking.

Who was a nice enough lady? Okay. Yeah. She was a simple janitor's wife and remained so. Yeah, true. Well, I mean, I don't know where she is now. Really? What happened? I woke up one day, she was gone. No, do you think there was something afoot, some sort of foul play? There was a post-it note affixed to the mirror that said, I am leaving you.

Which, I don't need to tell you, it violates the contract of the life swap, wife swap. Now, to be fair, her end of the bargain, she got a husband swap, but nothing rhymes with husband. No. So she didn't get a life swap. She could have been a professor's wife. But she remained a janitor's wife the entire time. That's correct. So really, she got the raw end of the deal in a way.

Well, I mean, I hate to say this, but ultimately her life was not as disrupted as mine. Sure. Yours was disrupted in too much. I went from being a math professor to being a janitor, you know? Sure. And she just remained a janitor. wife. But to a lesser janitor. Why would you say that? Just I'm merely talking about the depths of her feelings toward you. Well, how do you know so much? I think that that note on the mirror,

that was a big clue for me. And you just assume that she wrote that, do you? Sure. I mean, is it possible that a burglar could have broken in and abducted her and wrote that? Sure. I mean, yeah, If a burglar is like, I'm just going to steal a few laptops. And then he's like, you know what? Well, I'm here. Let me steal one woman. Let me get into kidnapping. So anything's possible, but you don't think that she wrote that note?

Anything is possible. I'm not sure if she wrote the note. The handwriting is a pretty good match. She had a beautiful calligraphic handwriting style. That she used on a post-ed note. On everything. Okay. She would, she would, she, she'd make a shopping list

that would look like an illuminated manuscript. You thought what? A monk wants me to pick these things up? What does a monk care about, Laquois? Pampal moose. Is that what it's called? Papa moose. Sounds like a, like an 80s rap song.

Pompelamos. Pompelmoose. Pompel moose. Pomp la moose. Pompelam. En Francais. En Franca. I cannot drink it, unfortunately.

Why is that? You don't know how? It affects an enzyme in my bloodstream. Which one? That is the extent of my scientific knowledge regarding this. Let's agree from here and out. No names. No names.

Of anything. Too hard to conjure. Yes. So the handwriting is a match. What leads you to believe that it was perhaps not heard? She never used the phrase goodbye. On the Post-it note or in life? In life.

The Post-it note said goodbye. I am leaving you goodbye. She exclusively said, catch you later. Now, the game is afoot. Do we assume because of this big, momentous occasion, she is becoming more formal? Possibly. Wasn't her style.

She never. wore shoes. She never wore anything but cut off shorts. Like Daisy Dukes? Not that short. Like calf length or I'm gonna say, mid thigh? I'm gonna say mid thigh. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Sometimes she'd roll up the bottom. Like Popeye would with his sleeves? Your points of reference are fascinating to me. Who's the most famous person with rolled up sleeves? Gotta be Popeye. Name someone more famous than Popeye.

With rolled up sleeves? Name anyone more famous than Popeye. Oh, okay. John Legend. Oh, sure, now, because we all love John Legend so much. Who do you think is more famous? John Legend or Popeye? I never thought about this.

This is tough. Let's take a poll of the audience. Who knows who Popeye is? You can't say these people don't love Popeye, Mr. Rockerman. Who knows? knows who John Legend is? Seems like a tie. What if you would ask who doesn't know who those people are?

Oh, okay. Who doesn't know who Popeye is? What guy? Yeah. I don't know Popeye is. And I'm proud. I hope I never know. Who doesn't know who John Legend is? I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure about that.

I think people just wanted to get in on the fun. Maybe. But that's a lot of what the polling industry is all about. What if we looked at IMDB Pro? The Star Meter? Yeah, see, who's high on the Star Meter? Popeye or John Legend? Does IMDB cover fictional characters?

You know what I mean? Like Detective Munch, he would have just such a long IMD list. Wouldn't be that long. It's only a few shows. Popeye worked a lot more than Detective Munch. Detective Munch was his last. in the X-Files, was he not? Oh, I guess so.

Well, that puts it over the top. Popeye never in the X-Files. Who's more famous? Popeye or Detective Munch? Are we sure Popeye was never in the X-Files? He could have been in the background somewhere. It's true. Stocking spinach cans in the grocery?

Yeah, making a Hitchcock like cameo. How crazy would that be to watch a movie and suddenly Popeye just walks by? Like a really... like three-dimensional-looking, photo-realistic Popeye in the background. You're gonna say,

who's that deformed sailor? Oh. He looks familiar as Popeye. Is he in the Navy proper or was he in like the Merchant Marines or something? It's tough. What?

Coast Guard? Okay. That neither added nor subtracted. So she was a pretty casual. Oh, right? My wife! Yes. Yeah. She wore a rotation

of 12 concert t-shirts. Concerts she had attended? A mix. Some were aspirational. She said, I wish I had a time machine. Do you ever think about that?

If you had a time machine, would you go back and see a concert? Oh, not again. Wait, you've already had a time machine? I haven't had a time machine, but I've traveled on time. This has never come up. No.

We don't talk about this? We've never talked about this. We've never talked about this. You have to say... Did I, I breached the fourth dimension and traveled through the time stream? No, when? When was this?

I want to say like 2000... Okay. And did you go both ways? It feels weird asking you that, but... It's a little personal. I only went to the past. I was offered the opportunity to go to the future. I said, no, no, spoilers.

So you went backwards in time where... I had to go back in time. What year did you travel to, if you don't mind me asking? First, I went to when Hitler was a baby. Classic. And I thought about it. It's hard, though. It's a baby, you know? Yeah.

That cute little mustache. He was very adorable. Very precious. Plus, you never know if you have the right one, you know. Like, if you went to, like, the Hitler's who lived, you know, two streets over or whatever. You know, it's funny. I don't know how popular a name it was. Yeah.

You don't hear about too many Hitler's these days. Yeah, like when Hitler annexed the Sudetenland, I don't remember if anybody said, wait, which Hitler? Because I went to high school with the Hitler. And that seems like he would never do that. He was a quiet guy. But you didn't do anything. I didn't do anything.

Yeah. I was like, get me out of here. Yeah. And then where else? Then I went to the 1950s to see if it was actually like that. They make it seem like everyone's drinking malts everywhere. Yeah. There's burger joints with people on skates.

Yeah. On every corner. What was it like? It was boring. Everybody kind of looked the same. Yeah. Sexually repressed. Wait, so you're trying to get things going with people?

Why not? What are you worried about the butterfly effect? I would worry about, like, maybe having some children when I got back to the... No, no, no. I looked up to people in advance, and I only hit on women who were certain to die the following year. No strings attached. That is grim, Mike. Why is it grim?

This is like a combination of car accidents and... Oh, come on. That's not that bad. I didn't kill baby Hitler now. I'm supposed to save Helen? So then after the 50s, anywhere else? Well, I went to the 70s, and I sat in on some of the... Well, this is early, early 70s, so I sat on some of the get-back sessions. 69, 70 is hard to remember.

Yeah. So when you say you sat in on it, like playing an instrument or? No, no, no, I just watched. They let anybody in there. Really? Yeah. They were so famous. The Beatles is who, of course, we're talking about. The Beatles, of course, who we're talking about. Hey, sure, give it up for the Beatles. Who's more famous, the Beatles or Popeye? Or Detective Munch?

We're going to have to put these up on the screen. It's too many to keep track. So yeah, I kept, I had this one idea. I was like, what if the Beatles went to a foreign country and did a concert there? Because they were like, they wanted to make a big splashy concert. And I kept telling this guy, no, no, no, make him go to the Middle East. Keep suggesting it. No matter how many times they shoot it down.

Keep suggesting it. And you know what? I felt bad because that guy, he suggested it over and over again, and they shot it down. and he would come back to me and say, Mike, I don't think they're going to go for it. I was like, you got to keep working on it until they cave, because I had a vision, the torches and stuff. The pyramids. Yeah, it's going to be beautiful. Yeah.

And then, unfortunately, I didn't realize people were filming that, and that guy looked like a real asshole. So then it was back to the present day, 2010? I went to the 80s. You went to the 80s, really. It's like cocaine. How was it? It was great. Like better than nowadays is cocaine?

I only have done 80s cocaine. And Studio 54. Really? It's Studio 54. Yes. Did you see anyone there, Warhol? Grace Jones. Really? What a striking figure.

Carol Channing. Don't really remember her. Drew Barrymore. She would have been four years. Dwight David Eisenhower. All at one table? John Legend. He's a time drive.

Oh, do you think? That makes sense. He has such a retro sensibility. I remember saying to him, look, if the opportunity comes to star in a real Hollywood musical, don't do it. Do La La Land and Stanton. How's it feel to be like the worst part of that movie?

You know, like, hey, we want you to be in a movie. Yes, you're going to be the guy that everyone hates and is considered to sell out. No, I mean, in the movie, everyone. Right, right, right. But I didn't hate the character. there. He was fine. Who cares? You know what I mean?

Who cares? Who cares? We just met this guy, and then we're supposed to be like, oh no, he does the bad kind of music. I don't fucking know. I just met this guy. Is that how you are in every movie? Who cares? I just met this guy. He didn't do anything bad. Was it a godfather? Who cares?

I just met this guy. He just walked. The godfather, they lay it out very nicely. This movie is like he shows up. He's like, hey, we used to be friends. Do you want to join this band? Seems like a nice guy to me. That's never happened to me. Right? Hey, we used to know each other. You want to be in my band?

Sounds pretty nice. Yeah, actually. You want a lot of money? Godfather? Michael Collione explains to his wife, yeah, my family is a bunch of gangsters. Don't worry, that's never going to be me. Obviously, he's going to be him at some point.

But I say, who cares? We just met him. I feel like you're twisting my words, Miss Rockerman. I wouldn't do that, Mike. I wouldn't do that. Thank you, Mr. Rockerman. So you went to the 80s, you tried cocaine at Studio 54. 90s?

90s? I tried to watch... Did American Psycho come out in the 90s? The book was out in the 80s. Right. When did they make the movie? 90s? Oh, we're divided on this.

We need to bring people together. Somebody over there said a full sentence. I thought it was a yes or no. I heard something about the 2000s, so I suspect it was in the 2000s. Really? But you would know you were there. I'm deciding this couple is my lodestone. They are my load star.

What is it? What's the thing? My true north. When do you think American cycle came out in the theaters? Can you... Price is right rules. So you can say year one? Yeah.

99? What do you say over here? 2000. We are going to look it up, obviously. I believe she said she looked it up. Oh, she looked it up. Yeah. All right.

Well, you guys let me down. So I went to the 90s, said, I wanted to see American Psycho. They said, it's not out yet. They said, it's currently a pre-production. Come back next year. Was that your last stop? That was my last stop. Just skipped over the 2000s.

Saw American Psycho didn't get it. Yeah. It was like, I waited a year for this. It's fascinating. At some point, we'll have to talk about where you found time machine and all that. I was a friend of mine from school. The guy went to high school with.

Yeah, said, hey, we used to know each other. You want to get my time machine? Yeah. Nice guy. Oh, that's why I don't mind John Legend. In that movie. So, back to your wife. Yes. She never said the word goodbye.

Always said, catch you later. Catch you later. Said it to a mother on her deathbed. I guess it's an optimistic way to look at death. It is, but you should have seen a look on her mother's face. This woman's taking a final breath and she went, what? Then, be...

There's got to be a better sound for that. You know? Like, doodily, doodoo, do do do do do do do. Ice cream truck. Swap those. Ice cream trucks, you go, be... So now, your wife has gone. You mentioned the game was afoot. Yeah.

What did you do? I went to the authorities. The pullings. Sure. I said, look, ACAP. I said, look, you don't like me and I don't like you. They probably have their own ACAB. All citizens are bastards.

See, might even stand for something else, knowing the police. That's them talking, not me. So I said, look, I think my wife has been abducted. They said, she left the note saying, I'm leaving you goodbye. And I said, you don't understand. She only ever said, catch you later. they said, okay, sir, we'll look into it. And they said it real sarcastic like that.

Yeah, it almost, the way you said it, it sounded like there were quotes around it. Yeah, the guy rolled his eyes. Can you imagine somebody goes into a police station as my wife has been abducted, and they go, we'll look into it. Rude. And I said so.

Yeah. I said, that's rude. Good for you. I want to speak to your supervisor. He said, I'm the chief of police, stupid. I said, what are you doing here? And he goes, all right, you got me in. I'm not the chief police.

I actually work in parking enforcement. So then did you give up? I hired a private detective. Okay. Private detective also skeptical. Said, can you think of any time she ever said anything other than catch you later? And I'd rack my brains. And there was one time, one time, when she was getting out of the

car, car door closed too quickly. She didn't have time to fit in, catch you later, and she just quickly said, take a sleazy. That's the same amount of syllables. It's easier to say that clearly, I think, in a short amount of time. No, it's not. Let's try it. Okay, ready? I'll say take it it's sleazy. All right, all right. So here's the demarcation line. Okay. Car door closes here. Okay. What? I don't know what you're saying yet, but go ahead. where the car door is closed, I can no longer hear you. Okay. This is where the car door starts.

Okay. Gets to here, I can't hear you anymore. All right? Okay. I was going to suggest we just say the phrase at the same time. That's not... Okay. That's not going to get us anywhere.

Okay, you're right. Believe it. Okay. I've been in situations like this before where people say, let's yell fast. We can say this. It's a waste of time. I don't think so. All right. Car door closes here. Car door is this...

When you touch my hand? What do you say? Okay. Yeah. Miss Mary. Mac, Mac, Mac, all dressed in black, black, black, all right. All right. And I'm supposed to say, first, catch you later, then take it sleazy. First, say, catch you later.

Okay. Catch you later. What? All right, let's try the other way. All right, here we go. Take a sleazy. I heard it. Yeah.

You're right. Take a sleazy. So she thought, with incredible alacrity, she realized she didn't have the time. Absolutely. And switched it. She was a brilliant woman. Is? Two sneaks.

The reviews are in. So then the private detective said, Private detective, this guy, bleh, he was a greasy, stained, down at his heels, you know, sort of gum shoe, you know what I'm saying? Sure, yeah. This guy, liquor on his breath,

four-day growth on his face, ashtray full of cigarette butts. But, buts. But I don't have a lot of money. and the rates were right. So I said, I know you're doubtful

that that's the only time she never said catch you later. She still didn't say goodbye. And he goes, that's all I need. Then he passed out. So I had to take Madison

into my own hands. I read later in the paper that guy went to the hospital for cirrhosis. Is he all right? Not looking good. Okay. We'll pray for him.

Oh, I pray for him every day. Great. So, I started combing the area, businesses, churches, schools. I went in with a picture of my wife. I drew a little bubble coming out of a mouth saying, catch you later. I chose an Iron Maiden concert tea, her favorite. So soft.

They really had soft teas. Ragged in sleeves. You know what I mean? They really paid attention to the quality. Yeah. And like the artwork was like it was flaking just a little bit. Yeah. Great shirt.

Was it of Eddie? Yeah, it was. You gotta have Eddie on there? Sure. Who's more popular? Popeye or Eddie? From Iron Maiden. I would love to see a collab.

Oh, man. Between Popeye and the Iron Maiden skull mascot? I worry we're the last two people on Earth who knew what we're talking about. Oh, no. everyone. Please, we have to tell them about Eddie from Iron Maiden. Yes. Okay.

Do you know who Iron Maiden is? Round of applause. Okay. That's a good start. Okay, good, good, good, good. So... They had a crack graphics department. Yeah.

They used to put out records and they were like 12 inches... I don't know if we have to explain formats. In any case, on the cover, they would have this cartoon of this kind of... I think cartoon is doing it to service. Illustration. A terrifying skull man. With long, greasy hair.

Can you imagine such a thing? They say the hair keeps growing after you die. But that much? And he would appear on every single one of their albums. Some say they were haunted. because why else would they have the same image over and over again on every album some say they tried to have

different things be on the cover but then it always came out Eddie so that gives you a good yeah so tell everybody you know please don't forget Eddie keep the legend alive please we can cut that part out right no stays in editing machine's broken

still that's too bad yeah that's too bad Too bad. How do we start talking about Eddie? Oh, Iron Maiden T-shirt. Oh, yeah, yeah. So I remember going to the old lighthouse. Okay. Yeah.

The old one. Yeah, the old lighthouse. Not the new one? No. I wouldn't be caught dead there. All that newfangled technology. It's an LED lighthouse. Boo.

So I talked to the lighthouse keeper. This guy. What a weirdo. Jedediah shrins. And I said, listen, have you seen this lady? And he goes like, oh, yeah, I think I see that lady before. She was in a bag. I said, in a bag?

He goes, yeah, she was in a bag. A bag? Yeah. That's what you said. Yeah. I'm just, I'm realizing, I'm not saying like that's what she said. I'm saying like, I realize that's exactly what you said to the. guy, but I'm just so dumbstruck, a bag.

What? I said a bag and then realized you also said a bag to this guy. Yeah, you did. Wow, I don't remember that. It was mere seconds ago. I will be honest with you, I'm microdosing mushrooms as a way of managing my depression, and sometimes I forget little things that I say. Are you microdosing those really big ones? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're huge. And Mike wrote it to them, yeah, it's still pretty big. So, he says, yeah, she was in a bag over somebody's shoulder. They were stuffing her into a van.

Her little head was just peeking out of the drawstring. And I said, did you happen to notice the van? What did it look like? He goes, uh, rectangular, I guess. I said, come on, man. He was like, all right. He knew he was being funny. Yeah, he did.

I get that a lot with people. I don't know why they do that. Yeah. He said it was a white van, nothing written on it. License plate was U-N-M-R-K-D. U-N-M-K-R-D. R-K-D. R-K-D.

Oh. I said, this is going to be tougher than I thought. I did my research, though. I got online. I started throwing out, search. terms like white van, license plate, U.N.M.R.K.D. I finally got it narrowed down to four white vans in the continental United States. That all have the same license plate? This is unprecedented. That game was a foot. I thought it was already a foot.

I'm reiterating it for effect. It turns out it was the same van just four different pictures. I forgot that could happen. I only did an image search. So where was this van? I tracked it and traced it. One, two, three. Did you hear that? I did. I'll hire in pitch.

That's nice. Yeah. You and your two friends get beers. Let's make a song out of this. La, la, la. The van. was in my own backyard. These guys,

abducted my wife, drove around the block, past the lighthouse, and then parked in the exact last place I would think to look. You never looked back there. I did after I... Yeah, but... Okay.

I found the empty bag. The van's tires were slashed. A post-it note on the windshield. That said, we are leaving you goodbye. Who else is on the show tonight? Hold on, hold up.

That's the end of that story? I mean, I have to admit, Mike, when you told me that you thought that maybe she had been abducted, I was dubious at best. Yeah. But that's a crazy end of the story. Isn't it?

The van you were looking for in your own backyard, tires slashed, another post-it note, we are leaving you. Yes, good-bye. Same. Callagraph. handwriting.

And that's, so did you ever do another Google search? I did, yeah. Okay. My wife did leave me. The bag stuff was just some weird stuff she was into that she never told me about. And I feel like if she had told me about that earlier, we could have fixed things, you know?

I said, I didn't know you like being in a bag. I want to put you in a bag. Well, I'm very sorry to hear about it, Mike. Thank you. All right, Mike the janitor, everyone. All right, well, we have a very special guest here. Another very special guest. We've talked about John Legend, but this, have we not?

But this is a real musical legend coming to the stage here. He was a rapper in the 80s. Oh, Cal Solomon? Nope. Sorry. It's too bad. Then he went into a coma and he recently woke up. Please welcome MC Sugarbots.

MC Sugarbot. Scotty D. Give it to me. Give me all the cues, you big old booze. Ask me something. Ask me anything. Yeah, prompt him. Prompt me, Scott.

I must leave right now. Oh, no. I got to go. Stub my toe. Dibbilly do. You just got out here, MC. Sugarbud. What?

Yeah. I know. It's a thrill for people to see you. Obviously, you were a huge rapper in 1983, 1984, somewhere around there. 1983. Scotty D. If you look up in a tree, you will see an owl.

Here in Atlanta, they give towels. Yeah. And then tragedy befell you. Tragedy befell. I'm going to hell. Then I come back up and stand on my tail. Ooh. Did you go to hell when you were in the coma?

I went straight to hell and saw the devil. He had a lot of eggs. Shevel? Several. What? Several? Don't, nope. Nope.

Okay. Doesn't work. So then you were in the coma for decades. The devil had a shovel. He was digging. dirt when I stub my toe. The devil had a shovel? Usually he has that pitchfork.

Well, this hell, he had a shovel. You got a problem with that logic, Scott? Have you been to hell, Scott? Because I'll take you there. I'll take you there. So then you were in the coma for several decades. You just woke up a few years ago. Yep.

Your style has not updated. Nope. I'm from original hip-pop, the good old days. The devil had a show. shovel and a sleigh. He's Santa Claus. The devil is Santa Claus. Yeah. Did you know that, Scott? That's who delivers your kids' presents. The devil. Those letters, yeah, you're right. They're all transposed. Think about it, Scott. I've recently found religion. Well, it's been a little bit since we've seen you. What are you doing here in Atlanta? I mean, you are obviously representing real hip-hop.

Yes. You want to know what I'm doing here? Well, let's get a hand clap. You don't force some Ozempic. I came to Atlanta for the 96 Olympics. You're on Ozzympic? I'm losing weight, the unnatural way. Baby.

Yeah, you're trying to slim down for maybe a comeback or something? Slim down, fatten up. Forgive me, M.C. Sugarbug. You are forgiven. Did you say you were taking Ozepic in order to compete in the Olympics? Yes. Okay, that's what I thought I heard. The 96 ones?

Yep. I was in a coma at that time, so I missed it. Now I'm here for the 96 Olympics. Take you know Zampic. What is yours? Ever been in a tent trick? Yeah, I called you a trick. You ever been camping?

Driving on the freeway, getting on the ramping. I hate to tell you, I mean, it's, they've been gone for now. now, 28 years. What? I'm here to put on the show. Damn. What was going to be your category or your sport or whatever they call it?

Jamaica. Are you from Jamaica? Absolutely not. But that's what I was going to do. You got a problem with that, boo? Do they never redo an Olympics they've already done? That seems like a waste. Exactly.

Just do them again. The 96th. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Get all the same people back. They do it for the MTV Challenge, you know? What's the difference? Yeah, I'm sorry. But the 24 Olympics are going to start very soon. Where will they be?

Paris. Paris. Ooh la la. My favorite fruit is honey-dew melon. I cannot travel to Paris because I'm a convicted felon. I don't think that's ever come up, MC Sugar, about what? What were you convicted of? I didn't tell you? No, you didn't.

On robbery. Of what? A business? The Holy Grail, Scott. I gotta ask, where was it? Detroit, Michigan. Really? Wow.

It'd be funny if Indiana Jones went to jail at the end of every one of those movies. I mean, he really should. They should be prosecuted at the Hague. I'm sorry to hear that. I mean, our criminal justice system is a mess. It's flawed. It's broken.

I go to the arcade with a token. So maybe the 28 Olympics, you know, I don't know, you're a little elderly to be... Excuse me? I mean, you, you know, when were you born? The savior is you, Scott. Tell everybody. No. I'm just saying MC Sugarbutt that when you're in a coma,

it's not like Captain America rules. It's not suspended animation. No, you're old. She shook him about his dissociating. He's turned into a frankincite? He's about to do the thriller dance? Say it ain't so. I'm sorry, you're an old man now.

I'm an old man, I'm an old man. I should beg on the corner in a coffee can. Raw. You're only as old as you feel. How do you feel, Scott? Old as hell. But, I mean, you have a very youthful... I mean, you're still out there doing it.

You're in these streets? Still doing it, doing it. Mm-hmm. You know, I mean, I think that America is primed for a comeback from MC Sugarbought. I mean, we only got to scratch the surface of what you were capable of back in the day. But that's what I came here for, Scott. Oh, really? I want you to join me.

A duo. Two-oh. Two of us. us. Ho? Okay, I don't know what I'm going to join you if you keep calling me a trick and a hoe. Come on, trick-ass hole.

Tours off. Tour's off. If you can't even get past the first minute of you asking me. Please, trick-ass hole. Pretty, please. Come on, Mr. Rockerman. Pretty please, pretty please.

What tour do, flower? I do sneeze. A chew That ought to be in more rap songs A chew You can say it Okay On tour with me

So you want me to be like your hype man I want you to rap Hmm Ready Come on Scott Bust a rap with me Buster Rapidy tap tap Scott A D

MC Sugar Sugar But When I see you I say What? I mean You gotta end it How many songs will it take to fill a concert? Hopefully just one.

It's a quick concert. Where concerts should be short, though, like that. You know what I mean? You get excited to go, and then you're like, fuck, how long is this thing going to last? Who does that? Nobody does that. You enjoy a concert the entire time?

Our entire time, the entire time. Love seeing the artists get up and rhyme. Ah! Well, MC Sugarboat, I really think. that you can do this. I think America loves you. Your time in the spotlight was cut too short. Too short.

It was cut too short. Yeah. Too short. Too short. Oh. Did Too short have anything to do with you being in the coma? I have no idea who that is.

You don't know who too short is? Nope. Oh, you were in the coma. I was in a coma. Oh, right. He had, actually his name was too, Chiching, Hort. But people pronounced it too short. And that's how you pronounced it? Too, chiching, Hort.

I want to be your manager. This is what I'm saying. All right. Direct me. Do manage me. Okay, MC Sugarbutt. Okay. What?

What? I mean, you work for him. Don't forget, Mr. You work for me. I give you 10% of all my earnings. Seems like a good deal, okay. Because I think you're going to make a lot of money, MC Sugar Bud.

Oh, right. All right. What I see is I see, first of all, we're going to get out a first single, just to wet the appetite. Wet the appetite. Yeah. Wet the appetite.

Make sure it's real wet and tight. Wet the appetite. That's a good song. It's great. Here's what I liked about it. You laid out your thesis statement. Yes. You elaborate.

Restate. This song is about wetting the appetite. Make sure it's real wet and tight. Talk about the appetite. Not vagina. It could be a good hook like a thing that you say after every song. Not vagina. You can be the rapper who clarifies his songs are not about vaginas.

I like that idea. I like that. I like that. So then after the first single, we set up a huge world tour, and then you drop the album right before the tour comes out. I'm picking up what you're putting down.

Scotty D. Keep talking to me. That's all the ideas I have. I mean, it's a lot, and that's going to fill up your whole year. And you're coming with? I have a lot to do with the office. I have other clients.

You know, I'm only making 10% of what you make. I need 10 clients to... Name your other clients, Scott. Well, I have Cal Solomon, obviously. Okay. He's going to put out an EP. An extended play. I know what it is, Scott.

I'm a music man. Like Dick Van Dyke. Who was in that film? You're thinking of Robert Preston. Ah. Beats me. Shirley Jones as well, from the Partridge family.

She was... What's wrong? MC Sugarbuck. I love her. Wet and tight will be dedicated to her. That's beautiful. I'm going to be flatter.

What do you say? You want to get out there on the road? What do I say? What do I say? Get on the road and go out with you, you big goat, Toad. You don't want to go if you're going to continue to call me names.

Trick-ass Toad. All right, MC Sugarbutt, everybody. MC Sugarbutt. coming to a theater near you. Scotty D. All right, we have a very special guest coming to the stage. She's the aforementioned woman.

Please welcome Kayla Dickey. Kayla Dickey, everyone. So wonderful to see you. It's so good to see you. This is MC Sugarbud. I don't think you've ever met. No, we haven't. Hi. Hi, Kayla Dickey. How you doing? I'm doing so good.

Hi. Hello, Miss Dickey. This is Mike the James. janitor, I'm sorry. Oh my God, hot. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. Hi. I love being surrounded by three men on a podcast.

Please tell me there's another one coming soon. We'll see. Fingers crossed. Kayla, people would know you, you've been on the show before. Yeah. You live in Colorado? I live in Montrose, Colorado, yeah. So I made the trip all the way here in a big, big, big truck.

Yeah. You love trucks, you love truck culture. I love a guy with a big, big, big, big truck. And a small deck. It's my passion, my hobby, my job. And usually those two things go hand in hand. They always do, Scott. Do you find that the bigger the truck, the smaller the dick,

Absolutely. There's something about a man who needs to have huge wheels and a big body of the truck. That means, oh yeah. In his pants, he's got a dick the size of a dice. Can I ask a question? Yeah. What if a man had like just like a Nissan Central,

but it had gigantic. truck tires. That's such a good question. Thank you, Mr. Gordon. That means he has tiny nuts. I mean, I guess it would make the dick look even bigger. You're right, Scott. Wow.

Oh, my God, you know so much about this stuff. I wonder why. And you, not only do you like trucks, but you work, you have a very interesting history where you were working for the mayor of the town, Mayor Jud Weeby, I believe? Yeah, the history of Montrose, Colorado is very long and complicated. But basically, I worked with my girls at David's Bridal.

But before that, we all worked for the guy, Jud Weeby, who was the mayor of Montrose, and he burned the whole town down with his curling irons. And then he fled up the Judd Weeby Trail, and he lived as a bear. and we would all go take turns during our lunch break and we would yell for Judd in the woods but he was there for 10 years and then one time I thought I saw him because he was going through the trash

dressed as a bear and I remember saying Judd and it was him and then I got married to him and so did my girls and we were all fucking and sucking Judd on his compound. And then I learned that there was a bigger truck than the one that Judd had, rumored to be the 650.

So I left the compound. And now I'm on a new reality show. Woo! Wow! That's how long I want my concerts to be. You know, Mike, the janitor, he thought he was on a reality show. Oh, no.

He lived as a bear, but he also had a truck. Yeah, did he stop dressing as a bear when he got married to you all? Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, he was always really up to date on the trucks, so he would update the Facebook page where we got the rumors about the trucks. And he always had the biggest trucks. So, yeah, when I found him, he had the 550. Right.

Why didn't he just... The Ford Rock Hard 55, by the way. Right, right. We love our Ford Rock Hard trucks. Give it up. Yeah. I have another truck question, if I may. I feel like I discovered this recently.

I thought Truck Month was one truck company decided, we're calling this Truck Month. No, no, no. But there is an actual month. All truck companies devote to trucks. Exactly. Yeah, it's this beautiful thing that oil and gas companies have created, where we all celebrate these big, awesome, big, tough, rock-hard, awesome trucks all week and we're fucking and sucking all month.

So the full 30 days, 31, perhaps? Every single day, fucking and sucking. Yeah. In our big, bang, bang, bang, bang, truck. So you found a guy who has the rock hard for 650. Yeah. And what's the reality show that you are on? Okay, thank you for asking.

It is called the trucker. Okay. You've probably heard of it. No. It's like the bachelor, but for a guy with a truck. Oh, okay. So is the man? dating the trucks?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No. The man is being courted by 25 girls, myself included, and he is an awesome guy named Barf. He is a billionaire, so you know he has a tiny dick. And he has the 750, Scott. That's why I am vying to get his attention. Yeah.

And that's not out in stores? No, it's not out until next spring. Wow. Okay, so this is an important reality show. Yeah. Yeah. So have you competed yet? Have you appeared yet?

I'm on the show currently, and we have just had the best time. We've been going to gorgeous places like Maraville, Indiana, and Sherrillville, Indiana, and Crown Point, Indiana. And basically, yeah, it's just been, like, I've been on a lot of group dates. Are they all group dates or are there one-on-one dates occasionally? There are one-on-one dates also, yeah. But the group dates have been chaotic and awesome. We had the headlight fight.

Headlight fight. Yeah, basically we busted these glass headlights, and then we fought each other with pieces of glass. It was an awesome group date. And what were some of the other group dates that you've been on? The grill thrill. The grill thrill?

Yeah, that's where you clutch the grill of the truck together with the girls, and then Barf just drives the truck around like 110 miles an hour. And if you hold on, you can get some time with barf? No, yeah. He just likes risking your life. And we love it. How did he become a billionaire, if you don't mind me asking?

He's an ex-on-mobile executive. Hmm. Hmm. And so... Blinker-thinker. Blinker thinker? What is that? It's a quiz.

A quiz. It's a quiz about trucks. I'm sure you would do very well in that. I did really good. Yeah. What were some of the questions? It's basically just different state modos. And obviously, I told you last time my talent is I know every single state motto that's on a license place.

Yeah. Let's hear all 50, I guess. I could give me a state. I heard Georgia Georgia's state motto is are you really going to do that give me

where? Someone said Virginia or West Virginia. Oh Virginia is right now? South Carolina is hot. I believe that's the extent of the license

that we need to be shouted at. There's more. I'm sure there's more. I want to hear New Mexico. New Mexico is, that's right. Massachusetts? Massachusetts is...

She's right. Puerto Rico? That's a protectorate. Ohio. We're still doing these? It was awesome. It's just... So you're in the middle of

of taping this show, that's really great. What does Judd feel about this? I mean, yeah, Judd and I, obviously went through like a really rough breakup. Some would say divorce. Yeah, well, not legally, but. Oh, really? So you're still?

We were never married in the eyes of the state, but we were buried in the eyes of the truck. The headlights? Yeah, the headlights, yeah. He is still in the compound with the girls at this time. He still texts me and stuff. But, like, I'm just focusing on the show. Like, I really like Barf.

I've had some really great dates with Barf. Like, one time we were in his truck, and he just pulled over and he went to a bar, and I just waited in the truck for, like, three hours. That's like a perfect date night for you. It was awesome. And, yeah, he left the windows up and stuff is really hot. And another awesome one,

was he, I was just like laying on his bed and he just read all of his like cool Reddit comments aloud to me. It's so romantic. It's so sweet. What's his style on Reddit? Is he sarcastic? Is he funny? He does this cool thing where like he'll just find women or people of color on podcast and he'll be like,

I don't know, I just don't like this. I couldn't get into this one. Something about their voice is grating. That just doesn't feel ripe to me for some reason. I wonder why. Yeah. Well, good luck on the show. How much longer do you film it?

Just another 65 weeks. That's over a year. Yeah, it's awesome. I'm getting paid $2,000. Total? Yeah, total. I have no rights, of course. You sign away like all of your human rights?

Yeah, I have no rights. I can't vote. I can't drive. I can't think. Think? Yeah, I'm not thinking right now. I'm just talking. Oh, okay.

That's nothing really changed. Miss Dickey. Thank you. Scott, you trick-asshole. If you don't make it all the way, but you come close, is there possible the following season that you would be the star of the show? Yeah, they would call it. it the truck s yeah no the truck et truckette truckette yeah i'm so excited i'm like fingers crossed hopefully

like in the running for that um because there's such hot guys that they could have on the show like there's queef there's taint there's shart there's um duke e he he has that that pause in the middle it's like a stage direction in the middle of his name duke dot dot dot slash slash slash yeah Return, return. Yeah. Well, good luck. That can be sometimes better than winning the actual show, so...

I know. I'm really, like, I'm really excited for, like, what I have in store, and I just really want to meet a guy with, like, the smallest deck. And, like, this town, like, honestly, I think there are a lot of you here.

I see you. I see you. Are you worried you're, you're taping for, another 65 weeks. You say the this truck is going to come out in the spring. Oh, I haven't thought of that.

Like, you mean there may be another truck coming out? Yeah, by the time you're done, yeah, there might be an even bigger truck. Oh, my God. What? That's crazy. Can I ask you this? Is it a certain type of truck, or could it be anything

as long as a truck like a cement mixer? I think cement Mixers are hot, yeah. Those kinds of guys have really big nuts. Really chody dicks. But mostly I go for guys who just live like an office lifestyle but have a massive truck. I like it when it has those child-bearing hips in the back.

Like maybe six wheels in the back and then we got like two tiny little. little wheels up front. It's like a big tricycle. That's fucking hot. How much should some, like, what percentage of one's yearly salary should one spend on their truck? 95. Yeah. Yeah. Just enough for groceries and stuff after that. I mean, to me, a guy with the, do you have a truck, by the way?

I mean, I own a truck. Is that what you're asking me? Oh, my God. What? I know some people prefer to lease, but I, yeah, I actually paid cash. Whoa. You must be rich or something. That's just a figure of speech. I didn't show up with, like, a suitcase full of money.

I just, like, you know, transferred in a bank account. Shut up, Richie. My favorite Jordan is Michael. Scott drives a unicycle. I wrote that. on before I knew he had a truck. Well, I'm really looking forward to actually coming up is hometowns. Oh, hometown dates.

Yeah, hometowns, yeah. So Barf is coming back to meet my family, and I'm, like, so nervous. Yeah. When you say your family, who are we talking? Are you talking? I have a mom and dad. Oh, you do? They've never come up.

I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. No, I have a mom and dad, and my dad is super protective. So I just... What's he been doing during this whole Judd Weeby saga? Well, he just wants to make sure that I'm with a man who's going to treat me as well as he treats his truck. And so I know that when I get there,

you know, he's going to have barf wash and dry me. And I know he's going to have him check my oil and stuff. I know he's going to have him look under my hood and do all that stuff with the stuff. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Kayla, have you ever had sex before? What? Yeah, I love small dicks.

I'm starting to get the picture that you love small dicks because you're actually afraid to have sex for the first time. Oh, my God. What? A revelation. No, I, look, I have had sex. it's when you take the guy's little dick and you throw little cheetos on it and I do that all the time

while you watch Boondock Saints All right, Kayla Dickie, everyone, Kayla Dickie! Good luck with the show. Thank you so much. Excuse me. You know what, Mr. Austin, nobody ever says, good luck to you. Good luck to me, what? Yeah, good luck to you.

Good luck to me. Yawning. Sorry, we had a long plane ride to get here. That's right, Scott. You have fallen asleep. You have fallen asleep. Morpheus, the dream lord? Yes.

Yes, Tis I. Morpheus, the Lord of Dreams. And everyone in the tabernacle instantly became so bored by you, Scott, that they fell asleep just as you did, and so did all the guests. I mean, we were coming off of Kayla Dicky. They loved her,

but then when you briefly took focus and yawned, the audience fell asleep. Right now in the tabernacle, everyone is nodded off. These people are drooling. These people have their mouths wide open. But that's because I, the dream lord, can only be seen by people who are asleep.

So we're all asleep here. If you are seeing me, you are asleep. And whatever you see is your ideal version of a dream lord. It's different to every person. Some are seeing a muscular adonis. Some are seeing a wisp of light with a hello. kitty face. Some are seeing a fan

of the police's ghost in the machine album. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe. If that's your ideal of a dream lord. Where they have little digital things imitating their own haircuts. Look, if that's your ideal

of a dream lord, and if everybody in the tabernacle is seeing a middle-aged guy in an olive t-shirt with some digital faces, then that's your ideal of a dream, Lord. For you are asleep. We are asleep. You are asleep. You are in my realm now.

Well, it's great to see you again, Morphi. Hey, great to see you. Yeah. It's so nice. Nobody ever says hi. Yeah, hi. Everyone's always freak the fuck out. That's very nice of you. Yeah, do you know, I mean, you, this is Mike the, you must know everybody. Mike the janitor. I know everybody. I see all your dreams. Don't worry. It's between you and me. It's between you and me.

Do you have an NDA? Do I have an NDA? Yeah. Yeah, I have to get an NDA. I have to sign an NDA and distribute it to everybody in their dreams. When you're a baby and you have your first dream, the first thing I do,

because my lawyers are on me about this. First thing I do is I sign a little baby NDA. It's written in Gougu Gaga language, and I give it to the baby in their dreams, and then I watch all your dreams from that point. So I can't say anything. Hey, why do you do that? You know, I remember now,

in my previous visits. There's a lot of existential questions. What's your purpose? Why should we care? I'm just focusing on the thing you said just now, which was I watch all your dreams. Well, it's, yes, yes, fair question. I thought you were creating them.

I thought so do. You're just watching them? You know, I get involved. I give notes. I don't, look, there's a lot of dreams. If people are waiting for me to write them, nobody would have any dreams. I shaped them.

I'm a shape. Is there any part of the dreams that we are responsible for in a subconscious? A lot of it, yeah, a lot of it. A lot of it's on autopilot. I get involved for the, I keep them normal. They'd be more, they'd be weirder if I wasn't there. Whatever the boring parts are, that's me. Like, the famous dream of being in your high school and you're naked and like you have a final exam,

I make sure the exam is real. Most people don't actually look at the exam in those dreams, but those are real questions. Could we actually get them right in the dream? And then what would happen? Yep, I'm ready to give grades. Most people don't end up taking the exam. They have sex with their teacher or run out in the hallway or turn into a bird or something. But if they took the exam, I would administer it.

How come you can't read in your dreams? Huh? How come you can't read in your dreams? Like when you see words or whatever, you can't actually do. Because I'm too lazy to make the words. You can read whatever I've bothered to write. You're lazy? I mean.

Yeah, you know, I am. I'll cop to it. It's a pretty negative way to put it. I would say I have a... You put it that way. You did say that. I guess I did. I guess I did. Hey, can I ask you a question? You're going to anyway, so go ahead.

Are you okay? No. Hey, Mike? You sound like you're going through something. Oh, good luck. Thanks for asking. I love to hug a big overturn mop with piercing eyes. That's what you see.

Yeah. Nobody ever asked the dream lord how he's doing. No, it's been rough. It's been rough. Because a lot of times people are working... Hey, by the way, MC Sugarbutt. How's it going? Good. Hey, man, your dreams are great.

Thank you. They're optimistic. Optimistic. Yeah. Optimistic. Sadistic. Yep. I wasn't trying to...

Altruistic. Yeah, no. I'm not trying to make things hard. Ballistic. I wasn't trying to give you a job. Pryptic. Yes, things are hard. Oh, yes, sorry. Did you have another one?

Lipitor. More rap should mention specific cholesterol lowering drugs. Yeah, you know, Mike, thanks for asking. I have been having a hard time. What's going on? Well, okay, part of being the dream lord is if people are, which they often are, working stuff out with their dreams. You know, you're working through some, like, psychic unfinished business.

I sometimes have to help them achieve their goals, or they get stuck having the same dream. And that's boring for me. So I have to help people work their stuff out. And there's a lot of people who need help right now. A lot of people. People are going through a tough time right now? Yes, yes. More so than usual.

I don't know what's going on in your real world. Because also, I can't see the real world. The only things I know about the real world. world are what I can infer from people's dreams. So what are you seeing right now? What are the common threads that people are dreaming about? Most people are dreaming about being really disappointed by this movie that I think is called Madame Webb? That's really bothering people. That's like number one. That's like number one on people's concerns, is that Madam Webb was not as good as they

wanted it to be. That came out February 14th. Is that right? Yeah. Well, you wouldn't know from people's dreams. I thought it, I thought, I thought, I think it's being released every week. I guess it's on VOD now? That must be... What's VOD? Video on demand. Oh!

That's where you watch a movie on a shitty thing in your house. Because you have to. I was wondering why people did that. This is the part where I really start to lose people because the logic... I get the feeling that a lot of people are not into a lot of exposition and logic like I am. You're into it?

All right. Thank you. Anyway, oh, sorry. Look, you guys have been here a while, so I'll get right to it. You guys have some unfinished business. What? Collectedly? Yes, I have to admit.

I thought that was ghost stuff. It's ghost stuff and it's dream lord stuff. Boo. What do you mean boo? We want to talk to a ghost. Dream lord, I'm royalty. Who cares? What?

Get the spooky ghost out here. Show us a ghost. I can't summon a ghost. This is our dream. We can dream. whatever we want. Show us a ghost nuts. If you all focus very hard,

what'd you say? What? All right. You're right. If you focus, this is your dream, this is the dream space, if you focus a lot,

and I guess if the people in the tabernacle help you to create a ghost and a ghost will appear. Ghost on one? One. One. Ghost.

Forget it. Are we saying it on one or after? After one. Oh my god Holy shit This is some shit out of the nun or something Boo

It's a ghost just got out of the bed tub Whoa Bhooh Dry your hair ghost What This isn't a wash cloth This is my head I'm not some

It's not a wash claw That's a hand towel Huh? Well I don't know what you're seeing All right Look, it's just me, it's just me. It's just me. It's just me.

Leptown. Most people are pretty glad to meet, you know, a godlike figure. A godlike. Okay, it's not quite a god. It's godlike. That's pretty good. In what ways are you like a god? I live forever.

Awesome. Wow. That was pretty undermining. I don't know why. I don't know why. It sounded sincere to me, actually. It sounded sincere, but I feel smaller. Yeah, I live forever.

So you're vampire-like? I guess I'm also vampire-like. But I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to shoot up here. I'm like... In what other ways are you vampire-like? I don't know if I'm... You know, I prefer the nighttime because people sleep at night, so I'm more of a creature of the night.

That's vampire-like. Yeah. Yeah. What about crosses? Huh? Crosses. Ooh, I hate them. I hate them.

I hate crosses, but that's because I'm secular. Okay. If I were to have a... Soon as I see a cross, I know I'm about to get lectured by my own grandmother. And yes, I have a grandmother. She's also godlike. What does she do? She's a... she's a carpenter.

And it's not a Christ metaphor. She just likes making cabinets. Well, she's immortal as well, but she... She's immortal, but she chooses to be a freelance carpenter. Okay, but she does have some power of... with some realm? Yeah, she's got power over her realm. If she chose to, yeah. Yeah, whenever, like, whenever she goes to the library, whatever book she wants, it's there. What?

Bring the ghost back. There was no ghost. Put that towel on your head. Put that towel on your head. Put that towel on your head. Put the towel on your head. Say what? Put the towel on your head. Put the towel. What is it? I don't see anything. Hold on.

He's saying Bruce. No. Boo. Spooky. I'm scared you. I'm not singing E-L-O. What? Why have you come here?

Ah. For you have unfinished business. Oh, my gosh. This is some ghost stuff. Yeah. This is what we like to see out of our ghosts. Now you like this? Hell yeah.

You know what's funny, though? I always thought it was the ghost to our unfinished business, but now he's telling us we do. Spirit, is this your unfinished business? You forgot to tell us this? No, no, it's yours. I'm helping you... Oh, yeah, usually the ghost has unfinished business.

Oh. You, spirit. Me? You with the hand towel. Me? You have unfinished business. Me with a towel on my head, with a towel, on your head. You with a towel on your head.

With the towel on your head. One more time. You with a towel on your head. With a towel. One time. You with the towel On your head. With a towel on your head.

Okay. What is my unfinished business? You have broken a law. Oh no. A local law. For as I understand it, before you fell asleep, you were in the mortal realm known as Atlanta. Is that right? Yeah.

You have broken one of the most sacred laws of Atlanta. you were found, Mike the janitor, chasing a waterfall. And in this, the goddess like group TLC, instructed us all. Don't go chasing waterfalls. But you did. And the guilt of having done that, I mean, I can't get into the logistics of it, but you ran after a waterfall. And the guilt of that is haunting you.

But you don't know the full story. Tell us the story. I was running away from a scrub. All right, all right. I don't want none of them. All right. Well, I'll have to ask the people of Atlanta if you're guilty or not guilty of the crime.

So I guess you did chase a waterfall. You're admitting that. You're just saying you had just cause. That's right. Okay. All right, so we'll just have to see if it was just enough. And I know that nobody cares, but we're going to do this anyway.

How long is this going to last? Not too long. Not too long. We're really right at the end, I promise. Swear to God. I swear to God. I've been waiting all night. All right.

Quick vote. So Mike, the janitor, chased a waterfall, and you were doing what? You were running? I was running away from a scrub. You said quick vote? This will be quick. I hope we get to count them all one by one.

Maybe not as quick as you were hoping, but real promise. So we're just going to vote. I'm going to ask. You keep talking about what we're going to do. Why don't we just do it? All right.

If you think Mike the janitor is guilty of chasing a waterfall, in other words, he's bad. He didn't do it for a good reason. Cheer now. Guilty, guilty. That's some sadistic sons of bitches out there. All right, and if he is not guilty,

if he is good, sounds even to me. It sounds even to me. It's not even. What? It sounded pretty even. What? One more time.

Guilty? Guilty. It's a dead heat. It's a dead heap. It's a dead heap. Yeah, he's right. It does sound even. It's pretty even.

Can he still travel internationally? No. No, if he's found guilty, he's found guilty of this crime. Oh, wait. It's a felony. In Atlanta, it's a felony. Why did we give states rights?

Last time. Last vote. Not guilty? Not guilty? Wait, I did it in the wrong order. Guilty, guilty. Is he guilty? All right. And now, not guilty. Come on.

What do you think? Man. We'll be here forever if I listen to you. All right, he's not guilty. He said not guilty. Not guilty. I'm not a ghost anymore. Whoa. What a victory. And in fact, you are all waking up.

Oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. I had the worst dream. What happened? Something really boring. I was a crazy dream, too. I was sucking and fucking this truck.

It's insane. Mike, did you have a dream? I couldn't see. I remember I could hear voices. But it was just darkness. What about you, MC Sugarbutt? I dream in black and white. To answer your question more clearly, no.

Finish it off. Ra.