Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2024 Tour, Boston Pt. 1 (Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Lisa Gilroy, Carl Tart, Ryan Gaul)

Episode Date: June 11, 2026

This Bonus Bang episode is live from Boston, as the Comedy Bang! Bang! In Your Mouth tour kicks into high gear! Scott welcomes to the stage Jason Mantzoukas, OG hip hop artist Cal Solomon, the King of Rock n' Roll Elvis Presley, Boston Celtics legend Larry Bird, and owner of two lost golden retrievers, Pudge!  Special thanks to The Wilbur Theatre! Originally recorded June 12, 2024. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from Behind the Paywall. And we are in the middle of the latest series that we're all enjoying called Globetrot with Scott, where we are featuring some of our very favorite live shows from past tours. And this is all celebrating the fact that we are on the road now with our 2026 ground beefing tour. Paul F Tompkins, myself and the CBB All-Stars coming to a city near Yard. you. And so we decided to showcase some of the great episodes from previous tours. And this week, we have a good one. This one is called 2024 tour, Boston Part 1. It was the first episode that we

recorded in Boston a couple of years ago, recorded on June 12th, 24 at the Wilburth Theater in Boston. And it stars Jason Manzoukis. We have Paul F. Tompkins as Cal Solomon, Lisa Gilroy as Elvis Presley, Carl Tart is NBA legend Larry Bird, and Ryan Gull as Pudge. Pudge, of course, is from nearby Medford, Massachusetts, and we're actually going to be back in Medford on June 26th at the Chevalier Theater. So if you're in the Boston area, come on out and join the fun. And for everyone else, you can catch me and PFT and the CBB All-Stars. You can check out all of the tour dates and buy tickets at CBBWorld.com slash tour. So if you enjoyed this episode, You want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as shows like CBB Presents.

Scott hasn't seen The Neighborhood Listen, College Town. Become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, every live show we've ever done, ad-free new episodes, more original shows. Plus, we're releasing all of the live episodes that we're doing the next day for all of our Maximus subscribers. So we're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Austin, what's up?

Oh, I have to do this. One sec. When you cross these streets look both ways. When you cross Ms. Streep, say, in don't look up, you slayed. Welcome to Comedy Bang, Bang. Thank you to Alvaro Mendez from Panama. From Panama. He made sure to stress that A at the end, so I wanted to get it right.

Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for coming. It's our pleasure to be here. This is the first night of the tour. Incredible, you're all here. We added this show because the first one sold out in like an hour and didn't realize that the Celtics would be playing in the NBA finals.

But hey, you guys are the real fans. Right? If it helps, I can pretend to dribble a ball during the show occasionally. There's table. What else? This is my... We've been touring since, I believe,

2012 was our first tour. And this is my first tour as a new father. That's right, I created life. What the fuck of you ever done? Oh, wait, some of you have done it too. Also, I believe the first tour where I have not had some sort of a cast on my foot, just had a foot surgery

about a month ago it's been a long road one that I've had to walk down unfortunately but feeling pretty good but please excuse me if I don't do jumping jacks or anything like that during the show we do have an exciting it's been a minute since we've done these shows

and I wanted to remember this we have something that I have done on previous tours called The Balcony Report. Now, if you don't know what this is, prepare yourself. Hold on to your dicks and your butts, because this is the most exciting 15 seconds in podcasting.

What the balcony report is, is we travel from city to city. You know how tours work. And in every venue, in which we play, I call out how many balconies that venue has. Now, the people in the balconies

are clapping. You shouldn't be. This is not a shout-out to you because you paid less money than these people. These are the important people. Not you. The balcony report is merely informational. So that people from other places who are listening to this can imagine how many balconies there are in each venue that we go to.

And there is an exciting new wrinkle this tour. I am not only going to count the balconies in each venue, but I am going to keep a running tally and count them over the entire tour. And Boston, Wilbur Theater, I am proud to announce this venue has two balconies. Gassimine. Benadryl? Benamine? Mezzanine. Get the fuck out of here, Frenchy.

Go back to France. These are balconies! I appreciate it, though. A very important correction. Do I amend it? This is the first night. Do I say one balcony, one? No, two balconies. The audience has spoken. A little too much, maybe. Some might be. maybe, some might say.

Who am I to judge? Now, how many people have ever been to a comedy bang bang show before? Have you guys been to see us over the years? We love you. We love, even you, up there. How many people have never even heard a show? Great. I love that. So, like, husband dragged you here? I get it. You'll have fun.

Let me explain what the show is. Basically, this is a talk show, and I'm the host of the talk show, and we're going to bring out several guests here onto the stage. We're going to have improvised, unplanned conversations. These conversations have never been had before, unless perhaps you're Alley Peterson. We may go into some details that we've talked about before.

but for the most part these are conversations that have never happened before will never happen again and you know I have no idea what anyone is going to say the minute the guests arrive we all put on noise canceling headphones and blindfolds

so I have no idea what we're going to talk about but we're going to have a good time tonight we have a lot of guests here look at all this a lot of people came to see you Boston are you ready to start the show Let's get going. Well, you're in for a treat, because this gentleman is sort of local here. He is a Boston area native who is actually going to be here with his own show on Sunday night.

Please welcome Jason Manzukas. The mezzanine monsters. Oh, those mezzimonsties! Now, you bought a separate ticket for your coffee, is that right? I asked you to put a stool for the cup, and I'm going to sit right here. Do you want the cup in between us? I'm trying to decide where to shit. Do you want the cup in between us?

Don't put it down there, you're never going to be able to get it. What if you just kicked the coffee and then took off? I never spoke to you again. Walked right out. Wow, wow, wow. Look at this crowd. 100% hotties. How you doing?

I'm doing good. Thank you for coming. And you went hard after the French. About the balconies. I don't cotton to them. Yep. Okay. I don't like it.

I don't like it. I looked it up backstage at the origin of the word, German. Oh, shit. Interesting. Interesting. I believe my parents, growing up, they always told me I was German and Polish. And then recently... Just to roast you?

Yeah. Just because... That gave them the widest swath of jokes available. But recently they came over and said, oh, we took these 23 and me things, which I refuse to go on. Same. Nice try. If you're going to get my spit, you're going to get it the old-fashioned way.

In your mouth. People like baby birding out in the audience, had a crow's nest at my house. Babies. For real. There's a crow's nest. You don't have to clap for it. I'm not trying to be a hero. I didn't do anything.

I'm just updating you. How can you tell their babies? The crows? Yeah. They came out of the goddamn eggs. You saw this? I didn't see it in real. Yeah, that's right.

Okay. Wow, I'm a real gotcha. Is it too soon for us to be this close? Should I move over? What do you want? Will you want to stay? Yeah, this is good. I like this.

This feels more personal. I like it. You have your side. It's like we're a divorced couple. It's like we're in the odd couple. We tape it right down the middle. Who are we? Tom Sandival and Ariana.

Hang on. Oh, my knee. I loved watching the warm-up, too, where you're like just trying to curry favor with the audience for your middle-aged man injuries. People know my history. Oh, the bad foot. I can't believe he even got on a plane with the bad foot.

I am a hero because I have temporary disabled person status. You really? And I don't use it. Did you get, you don't? No. Oh, I'd use that shit everywhere. If I had a placard, did you get a placard?

Got a placard, got everything. Fuck. How much? Yeah, it's fake. I mean... I'll buy that placard. Oh, really? No, no, no.

I'm saying, I bet I could... I bet we could mess around with it so that it could work for me. Don't tell anybody. I want that parking. They do give you a certificate? No. Oh, congrats. Piece of paper?

Is a little more accurate? You know what? I'll give a certificate for anything these days. Oh, participation trophies. Congratulations to participated in your surgery. We, I want to switch. Yeah. This is my better side. Oh, this side's much better.

Yeah. I never, I never finished my story. Great. Let's hear it. Turns out I'm Swedish. Whoa. Interesting. And how much?

Well, by how much? Or that's just in the mix. I don't know. Somewhere in there. It's somewhere in there. Somewhere between zero and a hundred. The story's only really good if you're like, turns out I'm 100% Swedish. Like none of the other stuff.

You're just saying, like, there's a little Swedish thrown in the mix. Are you saying this is a bad story or I need to punch up my story? Let's be clear. If this is Comedy Bang Bang, it's a bad story. Boston's going to be waiting after the show. Being like, oh, you think you're better than me? For being Swedish? Yeah.

Oh, what's all? Oh, look at here. We got a fucking. Swede. Is that a cliche? How many of you actually talk like that? Like,

by woo's. A wicked lot of them. That's right. See? Try it out. Feels good. Fucking sweet. You fucking sweet?

What do you do? How do you do it? You fucking sweet? That's not bad. Somebody out here can do it better. You fucking sweet. I bet the mezzanin can do it pretty good. Top balgie.

Two, one. Huge mistake telling me that story. I will weaponize all of your stories, especially in this town. These fuckers, they want to take everything to the ground. That is the wrong roast beef sandwich order. Do you want to fight? What?

I'm just ordering a roast beef sandwich. Oh, you think you're fucking better than me? Jason, you went to Duncan, I see. I went to Duncan. I walked here. I went to Duncan. it was on the way. Where are you staying, by the way?

Well, I'm staying at the most beautiful place. Is there a Trump hotel here? Quite clear how to feel about the Trump stuff. It's interesting. I'm sensing there into him. This town is interesting. Jason, what's going on?

You're playing your own show here on Sunday. Thrilled. That's right. You can't. Don't applaud. I love how little overlap there is between our audiences. Yeah.

Only, how many people are coming on Sunday night to our show? Great, thank you, thank you, great. And maybe through tonight's show,

some of you will be incentivized to get tickets, which I believe are still for sale. Is it a thrill as a hometown boy? A hometown crowd. To play the Wilbur of all places. I will say. To play to a half full crowd.

I love the Wilbur. I love the Wilbur. This is a theater I would come to as a teenager. Who have you seen here? In chronological order. I couldn't tell you which, but like there's a couple of rooms like this that I saw like Huey Lewis and the news in that I saw, well, don't go cool, don't go too crazy.

I saw the replacements. I saw, but I can't tell you which we're here and which we're like at the other two rooms that were this size. So that's, but that's the best I can do. So that's your story. I saw Primus and Public Enemy on tour together. Is that right? No, anthrax and public enemy. That's what it was. So you're, you're critiquing my stories.

My stories, Homer. I'm getting woo's. I'm getting woo's here. The bands are getting woo. I got guided by voices at the Paradise. Get me a woo. People are just shouting band names. People are just shouting bands or venues. I'm not sure which. Streets. The Paradise. Yes.

Love the Paradise. The dice. T.T. the Bears Place. That's what I'm talking about. I saw the fringe play the Willow. Any jazz fans in the room? Are you making up things now? Garzulah was on fire that night. Guladi shredded.

These are real musicians from Boston. I saw Think Tree play. One Gen Xer in the crowd is like, wait a minute, I remember Think Tree. Hire a bird. You were a drummer. I was. Did you ever think maybe I'd like to play at a place like this?

Oh, I would love to. I would have, oh, man, I would. I have a surprise for you. What? Let's bring out the drum kit. Can you imagine having to drum in front of a big drum? Please don't make me, oh, and then I just shred. Paradigils everywhere.

Triplets, flams, flam rolls, troughs. What? I said twins. Oh, and twins! I'm sorry. You mentioned triplets. I didn't mean to... I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to step on it. It's the best joke of the night. I didn't mean to step on it, the Jason Manzuka's story. I'm sorry, I just kept going. Well, Jason, you're going to be what I like to call my co-hosts during this. Sure, why not? I'll take it. Why not?

Yeah. That's, you know. Give it up. High five. What are you asking for? I'm asking for a high five. You want to give me a say I'm the co-host? Let's seal it with a fiver.

No, okay. I've never done one of these. Wow. What is... No, no, no. I'm just supposed to... I know what's up now. That person shouting something out,

trailed off halfway through. It was like one of those things where didn't expect no one to be talking or laughing. I thought I would be part of a cacophony of voice. where only the people around me would hear how funny I am, but now everyone can hear me. I was at a show once where the MC was having so much trouble controlling the hecklers, and at one point he got so uncomfortable and so sweaty.

He took his sweater off and just kind of draped it over his shoulder, and in a moment of then perfect silence, someone from the deep back balcony in a conversational voice just went, hang yourself with your sweater. Destroyed. The room levitated. The guy on stage imploded. It was the most insane thing I've ever seen.

Because he was, he didn't even. No malice, no yelling, just like, hang yourself with your sweater. Boom! Would you like to know, though, he hung himself that night? Yes, he did. In his hotel room. He did. He did.

With that sweater. Yep. There's a well-built sweater. That sweater's in the Smithsonian. Well, Jason, are you ready to get to our guests? We have... I would be thrilled to, too, though. It looks to me like we have a wide array of guests.

Actually, a very musical show, musical show, as well as a lot of famous people on. When you were in musicals, and I'm sorry to get you off track. Sure. When you were in musicals. I was doing the dismount, but yeah, let's talk about me in musicals. I'm just going to briefly tack on when you were doing musicals. Same question you asked me about being in bands.

Did you ever think you would be playing rooms like this in the cast of a show, blah, blah, blah, you know, touring for or on stage for, you know, a, your music man, your cats. Uh, I thought, I thought, I thought, I never thought I would make it to the great white way. You didn't. No. You mean Boston? Yeah. Is that still the state motto? Boston really should take it over.

Sorry, go ahead, please start the show. I'm going to start the show. Jason Manzukas, everyone. Does it matter? Okay. They're not saying boo. They're not saying Bruce. Honestly, some of them are saying boo. And to then, good for you.

You have a real, just, uh, heel-turn energy. I'm not turning. You're staying there. This is just heel. I don't think it's, I didn't start, did I start nice at any point? No, you never did. You're right. All right, well, Jason, I believe you've spoken to our first guest before.

I believe so. He is, I mentioned there are musicians here on the show. He's a musician of sorts, I guess. He is, how would you describe him? I guess he's sort of one of the, original hip-hop artists. Yeah. Oh, no. Absolutely. Of all time.

From the Sugar Hill Gang, please welcome Cal Solomon. Hi, everybody. Hi, Scott. Hi, Jason. Nice to see you again. Great to see you. Great to see you. Good to see you. What a delight to be reunited in a different city. I know, fun, right? So fun. It's like we're taking a road trip.

But we didn't take a road trip. We all came separately. Why is that? No, that's why I said it's like it. Yeah. What brings you to Boston, Cal? I've never been here before. Are you trying to hit every single city that you've never been to? Yep. In the world.

In the world! Yeah. I want to visit every city in the world before I die. How close are you not to dying? Although I'd love that answer as well, but... I have an answer for both. Close to dying, I would say... I got a few decades left, I guess.

Great. I hope so. Great. Two? Three? I wish for four. Three's generous. Yeah, we're all lucky to get through three.

Two would be solid. Oh, yeah. Two would be solid. I've noticed that, you know how when you read about people dying now? Yeah. If they're younger than 40, everyone's like, it's such a tragedy. Oh, my God, how could this happen so soon? Right, sure.

Over 50, people are like, yeah, it sounds about right. Do you think so? Yeah. I think people now think that people in the 50s are younger than they used to be. That's true. How old are you? They seem younger because you look at like, you know, you look at an old movie or something and all of the old people look quite old but are like in their mid-50s or early 60s.

Like somebody play an old grandfather or something. He'd be like 45 years old. You got your will for Brimley's, you know, out there. The most famous example. Out there in movies playing like a geriatric old man when he's like, you're 51. And the traveling Wilburys,

or the traveling Brimley's, is that something? Keep going, what do you got? Like Wilford Brimley and his four friends who all look

exactly as old as him when they were 35. The traveling, Wilf, the traveling, Wilfries. The traveling Wilferes. And what do you want them to do?

Do character act or stuff? No, no. They do their monologues. They do monologues. Yeah. Yeah, but all at the same time. Yeah. A super group of monologues.

And somehow Jeff Lynn is still involved. Yeah. Oh yeah. Of course. We got to get Jeff Lynn. Throw Don Wuz in there. From was not was?

That's right. Of course. Get Daniel Lian one in the mix. Don't forget T. Bone Burnett. G.E. Smith, got to be involved. These are all Lou Perlman. Is that bad? Even the Gen X people in the audience are like, no, not interested.

I'm not interested in this. But watch this. mighty mighty boss tones. Forgive me, Calvert. How old of a gentleman are you? You are... Well, I'm an older guy. You're an older guy, because for those of you

who have no idea who Cal Solomon is, when I mentioned he was in the Sugar Hill Gang, maybe some people were surprised when you came out here because you're... I don't want to say older, but you are older than some people. That's right. Right? Not everyone's born on the same day.

No. Could you imagine what a mess that would be? What if everyone was born on the same day and no one ever died? Wow. Please stop pitching us your bad sci-fi movies. But I mean, I guess my question is, are you talking about the entire population of the planet is all born on the same day? Yeah.

Or it's the same day every year. No, no, same day. Every April 1st, all the babies are born. Okay. The same day. And then we win our, you know, we win our, what am I trying to say? I don't know.

winnow out Yeah, slow it down. How do you window them out? Murder? No, just not all babies will survive because there's no nurses. I thought nobody ever died. Yeah.

Past five years old. Oh, so we just are drowning in dead babies? Five is immortal. Everybody under five? Up for grabs. What could be a better way to live than remembering the five insane years where everybody

your age was dying. Mama to inflict for the immortal. So you're saying you like this better? Boston? This existence, Jason. I thought he was merely answering you, what if. But you are Cal. I am Cal.

You're an older white gentleman. Explain as briefly as you can how you ended up being associated with the Sugar Hill. Have I not told you this before? I believe you have. But just to catch people up who have... Okay. Oh yeah, because there's a ton of people who are first-timers to the podcast who are...

There are some up there. Oh, really? Yes. If you were paying attention while I was talking. That's just because someone dragged them. Someone they love dragged them. Exactly. If you see it live, then you'll like it.

If you see one of them, just say, hey, long man. Some people just like to experience things with their loved ones. Jason. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? It's fine. Let's just keep going. Where are you? Ebenezer Scrooge in your glasses. Well, it's really very simple. I used to live next door to the members of the Sugar Hill Gang.

They were all in the same neighborhood in Englewood, New Jersey. Big Bank, Hank, Wonder Mike, the other guys. And then one day, they invited me to a barbecue. And so there we are. We're all having fun at the cooking. out, and then at a certain point, some of the fellas were in the kitchen, and they started doing this thing that I later found out was called rapping. And so they said, tomorrow, we're going to go in the studio, we're going to cut the album.

And I said, great. So I showed up, Brian Early. And they said, Cal, what are you doing here? And I said, I'm here to record the album. They said, Cal, you're not part of the group. And I said, oh, I thought you were speaking to everyone in the room. And then he said, I didn't know you were there. And I said, oh, that makes sense. So I was briefly in the Sugar Hill gang except for not actually being in it

and was fired before the first album was cut. Have you ever, like, has that ever happened to you ever again? Like, being somewhere where people don't remember you were there, or is that something, do you feel like... Have you ever, like, for instance, shown up to a podcast? and not been invited as a guest. But, wait a minute. Like tonight?

I mean, we saw you backstage, and I was like, oh, Cal, I had no idea you were going to be in Boston. And I said, I didn't know you were going to be here. Right. Except you showed up backstage. Did you just plan on coming backstage to this venue? I just saw a door propped open, and I said,

what's in there? Your own microphone. I always carry one around. because I'm always trying to get better at rapping. Smart. That's right. Even though I couldn't rap then, I have since dedicated my life to try to become better of wrapping. Now, I'm not very good at it,

but I think I could be good if I keep trying. So I've been practicing five hours a day, every single day, since the 70s. I had no idea you were practicing that much. You have for sure exceeded your Malcolm Gladwellian 10,000 hours. Yeah. Probably. Did you ever then imagine that you might be playing a stage like this as a rapper?

The Great White Way? No. Okay. You came so close to Terry. I touched my dick twice. This is, looking up. This show's finally getting good. And Cal remind me, what did you bring to the barbecue that day?

I brought my famous potato salad with Ray. in it. And would have brought some of that. And also, we found out later, I believe, in Toronto two years ago, that the lyrics of their big famous song... Rappers Delight. Rappers Delight about, have you ever been over to a friend's house and the food just ain't no good?

We're about your cooking. Yeah, it turns out that was a disc track about me. But you know what? I mean, in many ways, what an honor. What an honor. And then did you ever... I mean, we've just now lived through the Kendrick Drake disc track back and forth.

Did you ever get your own track out there to... I mean, I've toyed around with it, but I've never sung it in public before. Okay. Or rapped, I should say. Yeah. Well, from the... People are glad about that. No, I don't...

Have I misinterpreted? Yeah, you're misinterpreting. I think they're trying to encourage you to perhaps... Yeah. They want to hear my disc track against the Shoghiel Gang? Sure. What can we do? Can we lay down a very slow beat for you?

Sure. I think I could work with that. Have you ever been over a friend's house to eat and you think you're in the group? The guy starts talking says we're gonna cut an album and you go loop-de-loop because you're excited to be included in the gang. The gang that front goes from Sugar Hill

and you go into the studio and then they say, hey, what in the Sam Hill is going on? You can't be here. You are a cow. We don't like the way you make potato salad. We gotta tell you, you gotta go. And when we mean it, then you'll know that you're not in the group.

You're out of the band. Everybody knows this and everybody, and you are not the one. Hold on a second. I'm realizing that. Yeah. I'm realizing I was sort of furthering the disc track against myself. I didn't hear a lot of insults against. them. No, it really seemed to be

just done the story of my humiliation. But in a way that, in a way that I felt like was just to get the audience really on your side to then turn it around. Maybe that's what I was doing. Like, maybe we could workshop some of this for you. You know, like, what's the worst

thing that you could say about what's his name? Big, Big Mike. Big Bank Hank. Big Bank Hank. His bank wasn't that big. I mean, Wonder Mike bragged about having a color of TV. So what? Call yourself

Big Bank, Hank, but I got news for you. The bank you go to is the same size that everyone else would do. The bank is no bigger or smaller than any other bank in any other branch. So why don't you take out all your money and put it in a... Yeah!

Yeah! Everyone knows every bank branch is the same size. Cal, did you want to finish that thought? Put it in a, it rhymes with ranch, branch? Put it in a mattress. I think it was where I was headed. But look, this is the most I've ever rhymed. You're doing great, honestly.

By the way, these are incredible. You've made a huge strides. Huge strides for you. Huge strides. All right, let's try. I got some choice words for Wonder, Mike. Oh, boy, okay. I don't want to put pressure.

on you, but you're offering it up. I feel pretty good. Do you want the same beat, or do you want a different beat? I think the same beat is fine. Hey, wonder, Mike. I got a wonder. Who do you think you're fooling? When you say you got a color TV,

did you think that I wouldn't look in your house and see that it's black and white? Okay. Cal. I mean, in this one, I think you admit to being a peeping Tom. Yeah. Which again is such interesting

insight into your character. That one got away from me. And I should say, he did have a color TV, but he did? It wasn't as big a deal as he made it out there. Oh, okay. Other people had color TVs.

Yeah. Also, when you said that Big Bang, his bank wasn't so big, I thought you meant he didn't have a lot of money. You just meant the actual bank. No, the place where he does his banking. His chase branch is small. I think.

It's the same size as any other bank. I believe in my heart of hearts that he picked that name because he was bragging about the size of his bank accounts, not the bank itself. I don't know. It's a pretty confusing name. Why not Big Wallet Hank? Or Big Bucks Hank.

Then I would say your money is the same size as everybody else's. But Big Wallet Hank means if you need a big wallet, it's because you have a lot of money. But it doesn't mean that it's full of money. It means you just own a big wallet. Oh, I didn't think about that. that. And that could be a big wallet, like, can hold a lot of money, or big, like, prop wallet,

big giant wallet? Maybe you should have called himself wealthy Hank. I love that. What movie or TV show has ever used a giant wallet as a prop? Hitchcock used it all the time to show you that the character's under financial stress. It's enormous in the foreground while your main characters in the background being like, well, it's my empty wallet. Classic Hitchcockian scene. And then inside the wallet, Hitchcock's cameo. That's right, on the driver's license. Cal, I think this is a great start.

I really, really do. People just listening to the podcast are like, what happened? What happened? What happened? You'll never know. You'll never know. But just know it was fucking funny. Probably the funniest thing of the night. I'm going to try to remain motionless when I say this, but

Cal, I think that you should put this down on wax. What is that mean? I think you should record your song and then... My disc track? Yeah. And then maybe you would get a little notoriety because then maybe the Sugar Hill gang who are still together, by the way.

Maybe they would respond. Maybe they would respond with a further... Oh, no. They would say more mean things about me? Do they know more mean things about you? I thought if I did it, it'd just be even. Oh, no. We're going to come back at you probably twice as hard.

Oh, no. What else do they know about you? Yeah, is there anything... Oh, they know. I'm a failed, disgrace CIA agent. Oh, shit. I forgot about that. Yeah. They could probably make a lot out of that.

They based that TV show The Americans on me. You were the guy who lived across the street, right? Stan Beeman. Stan Beeman, yeah. Always had his garage open. That's right. I mean, they could tease me about that, and it would probably feel pretty bad. They could tease you both about being a failure and about the adaptation of your failures for TV and what a hit it was. Yeah, it was a good show, I got to say.

even though I'd watch it, I would watch it between the fingers of my hand. A real frady cat. Well, it would just make me, you know how people say cringe? Sure. So that's what I would do when I would watch the show because it was about me and being a failure. Yeah. And I would cringe.

And so I'd hold my, cover my face with my hands, but then I would part the fingers a little bit so I could still watch the show. Did you like the show other than the part that Stan Biman was in? Yeah. Okay. I liked all the wigs and all the glasses. So many wigs, so many glasses. Did they take any liberties with your story?

Liberty bibrities? I can't say that word anymore without saying bibberties. Oh, that's too bad. Yeah, I know. That's too bad. It's a problem. You know how sometimes they bring those characters back on those commercials? Like, we've been thinking about them and missing them?

Yeah. To be fair, I was genuinely, it warmed my heart to see the Liberty Bibberties. really? It really did. Well, that's nice. Yeah. Legal emu. I think it's Lehmu-emu.

Leamu? Yeah. Leamu? Leamu-emu? Leamu? I think it's an emu because it rhymes with lemu. Who cares? Who cares?

You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see that emu like killed in an ad. Can I make a confession here? Sure. when the emu when Doug and the emu do you want to do this as a disc track just wondering

no okay please continue please continue it's not it'll take longer it's fine when Doug and the emu were having lunch with like Doug's wife

and the emu's wife did the emu had a string of pearls on and some horn rim glasses cat eye glasses and a little wig I thought that was funny yeah but you know

that they're wife swapping that night. Wife swapping capital of the world? Wiveswapping. Boston, Massachusetts, capital of hot wifing. Everyone here is going to swap wives with someone in here. And some of you are going to get an emu.

Because we gave a bunch of emu's tickets for the show. And a couple of penguins from the aquarium. I can walk like a penguin. That's a commercial from Boston. What was it a commercial for? The aquarium. Oh.

Not for like corrective leg braces? No. That would be like the, oh, thank God. I can walk like a penguin. Oh, he's happy about it. Yes. I thought it was like, I can walk like a penguin. And not like the Batman,

Rokes Gallery villain. Although he walked like a penguin. Yeah. Oswald copper, pop, cobop. Cobble pop. Is there anything that the Sugar Hill gang knows about you that we haven't talked about before? Is there anything, you know,

what you should do is get it all out in the open. Yeah. Let them have no ammunition. Exactly. You know, if Drake had said, like, yeah, I take Ozempic and I am a pedophile. I just want to be clear, anybody can take these clips out of context.

Oh, shit. You are just offering up drops, my friend, for somebody to put into a goddamn plugs theme. It is. I mean, I don't know if getting out in front of the story like that would be good for somebody. They're like, before you say it, I'm going to say it. Let's see.

I mean, you know, other than the CIA fiasco, my life is pretty humdrum. I was responsible for the problems with Apollo 13. Well, wait. So this is a huge reveal. because when it went down, they just had a problem. Right.

You're saying there were problems? Yeah. Plural? They said Houston. We have one problem. We have a problem. Yeah. And you're saying, you just cracked it open.

There was more than one. There was more than one problem. And when they said, Houston, we have a problem. That was the first problem they discovered. Wow. What did you do? Yeah, and how were you involved?

How were you? Were you in NASA or what? I was a young kid. So this is also before the Sugar Hill Gang. It was, yeah. Sugar Hill Gang was 1977 or 5 or something. I was a young man, and I was interested in space. I was taking a tour of NASA.

And then, much like I saw the door propped open here tonight. So you're a propped open door guy. I guess so. You're a prop guy. I guess you could call me a propped open door guy. And so I said, ooh, I got to get in that space capsule. And I got in there. Oh, you went in.

Yeah. Wow. And I'm embarrassed to say this. I had a big melting popsicle with me. It was a hot day, and I just wanted a little treat to cool off. It's Florida. Wow. The 60s.

The 60s. One pill makes you funny, and the other one makes you dumb. If you take too many pills today, then you won't have any fun because pills are good. Good, but they could get stuck in your little throat, and you got to watch out, or you might take a pill that makes you a goat. I took a pill, and now I'm a goat. I took a pill, now I'm a goat. What's thou like to live deliciously?

My name is Black Phillip. I'd like to show you how to become a vivage, a vivage, a vivage, a vivage. Wow. So what just happened? Your rapping is so good now. What just happened? You went into some sort of a fugue state. You went into like, yes.

How long was I out? For, For a pair of like two verses. Yeah. I mentioned the 60s and it just something came over you. Weird. So, long story short,

I dripped popsicle into every corner of that space capsule. Really gummed up to works. Oh boy. That's tough. To be fair, why is NASA? doing guided tours on the day that the Apollo 13 mission is taking up. Well, this was the day before.

Oh, wow. Still a little too close for comfort. Also, if you're NASA, why sell popsicles? Yeah. Don't sell popsicles where people can bring the popsicles? I bought it off-site. You smuggled it in? I didn't smuggled it in. I started it, and the guy at the door said, you can't bring

that in here. I said, I just unwrapped it. And he went, all right. People were nicer back then. I feel like, I'm not going to lie, We've had multiple viable tracks tonight that could be like, like Scott was saying, on an album of music. Some are disc tracks, some are autobiographical tales of your life.

You could even do, I would argue, it sounds like what you maybe are currently doing, you could do songs about all the cities that you've been to on your search to get to every city in the world. How many cities have you actually made it to? Four. So an EP.

So New York, Boston. What are the other two? Toronto, we saw you there. That's right. Toronto. Cape Canaveral. The Incorporated city of Cape Canaveral. And, of course, Englewood, New Jersey.

Which one do you like the best? Oh, it's hard to choose. Cape Canaveral, Englewood, New Jersey, Boston, Massachusetts. you're looking at you are oh five Toronto Toronto yeah um

Los Angeles what some people are shouting Boston some people are shouting Inglewood this is a classic hang yourself with your sweater situation

did I not say both I was literally counting on my hands I thought I said both you're right you're right it's Boston they'll correct you anyway

my favorite's probably Englewood New Jersey it's my home it's where it's home It's home. It was home. Well, I mean, it became home after I was banished there by the CIA. Who, me? I'm just a guy. Every time I see you, it's like a new chapter that's so interesting. We find out new things about you.

And it's, I mean, I would love, maybe you should just write an autobiography, you know? What, like a book about me? Sure. That's what autobiography means. Well, I'm the main character? Yeah. But I do the writing? Or you could get a ghost writer. Now, hang on.

That's not a ghost writer. Oh, boy. I won't go down that road again. Okay. I was wondering if you knew you had a ghost story. I've met a ghost who was writing something. Oh, no, what? Who was this ghost?

What were they writing? This ghost was, I think it was a person who used to live in my house in Englewood before I lived there. And he was writing a note, and I couldn't read it at first because it was like, you know, in dreams when somebody writes something, you can't read it. Can't make out there.

What? I said, can't make out that. Camagababha? Camagabha? Kamagabha. She's going to say you can't make out the words, but then I, much like the person who shouted out earlier, I retreated in the middle of it.

I think, is it possible you're asleep right now? I could be. Is this happening? Can't make a. Can't make a. And the ghost was writing. He was writing on a little notepad next to the phone. And he was writing. a word I couldn't make out.

And when I looked at the notepad, there was nothing on there. But then, I got a pencil, and I did that. I scratched it out there. And I could see the impression. Yeah, right to Jackie Treehorn. What was it? What was it? I'm torn between wanting to tell you and asking what you just said.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Just ignore me, please. It said, studio 8 a.m. What do you think that means? I mean, this wasn't a dream where I guess you could interpret it. I think the ghost was literally... Do you think the ghost is cutting an album?

And it was a reminder for them that they needed to be at the studio at 8 a.m.? Or is the ghost a member of the Sugar Hill gang that you... Murder? Real it back. Real it back. Just the ghost of the... Look, look. I can't lie. I was in the CIA. sometimes we have to do wet work.

I'm not... You were in the CIA, the Apollo 13 launch, in the 70s, Sugar Hill Gang. Have you been up to anything recently? Oh, let's see. I mean, not that I don't love these many decades old stories.

No, sure. Yeah, we have Cape Canaveral in the 60s. We have Sugar Hill Gang in the 70s. We have all the American stuff in the 80s. That's right. Then in the 90s, nothing. I kind of laid low in the 90s. Yeah.

What do you mean when you say that? What do you mean? What do I mean? What's Cal Solomon mean when he says I laid low? I sort of, I took a break from, you know, just kind of hanging out around the house. And I said, I got to get a job. And so I started designing jeans. You designed jeans?

Yeah. In the 90s? Yeah. You were a jeans designer. Yeah. What were the jeans? Is it a name we would recognize? I don't know.

I don't know if you'd know the name. They were the really biggest jeans you could imagine. Just the biggest jeans you've ever seen. Like the ones like James Coco would wear when he was like showing you how much weight he's lost? Do you know what I'm talking? Was he wearing jeans? I don't know.

They were called Jenko's. Oh, yes. Jenko's, yep. Jankos, right. I designed those. Wow. I mean, like, what a cultural impact you've had in almost every decade. Did they catch on?

Yeah. Did they catch? You were just designing them with no thought about the public's perception of them? You just... I just thought, I'd like to see a real big gene. You looked around and you saw people wearing jeans all over the place, and you were like, too small. I shopped them around all the fashion houses in New York. How did you have any sort of ins there?

Doors are propped up? and all over the place. Oh, of course. All right, Cal Solomon, everyone. All right, we have a very special guest. This is another musical, yeah, why not? This is another musical, uh, icon, I think. A legend.

Cal, I mean, you're, you've had some legendary affiliations with incredible musicians. Oh, sure. But I'm not a legend myself. No, no. But this person, I'm not a legend myself. I think you, it's safe to say this person is a legitimate musical icon. This is exciting.

Yeah. That was me, sorry. What'd you do? I hit the mic and it made a noise and I didn't want to distract. Sorry. Are we allowed to do that? Go ahead. That was fun.

It's a lot of fun. You forget because you're supposed to talk into them, but you can make out of the noises if you do stuff to them. You should incorporate that into your disc tracks. I mean, this is a little. all material for your rap. Are you sure? Oh, yes.

I didn't mean to derail your introduction. You could release an album or tracks that people would buy on your Apple Music's, your whatever's. You could put out, what you've done tonight is an EP's worth of material. An extended play.

Wow. On a cassingle. I miss casingles. Oh, I miss casings. Playing a cassingle in the Chiraco? Boy, you listen to one song? That was great. Flip it over.

Listen to maybe the same song. But a remix? Maybe. But like a bad remix of it? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Groove is in the heart. Yup.

What were you saying? I think you guys are going to be really pissed when you realize how much time you've wasted. I mean, we have an incredible musical, also an actor, a legend. He's still alive. Please welcome Elvis Presley. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah. Wild, seeing Elvis do all the famous Elvis moves?

The most famous one of all! Here, Elvis, sit here. Oh, don't, baby, step on my blues shoes. Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. I had to check because a lot of people in Boston were saying, we can't have, we shouldn't be able to see Elvis below the waist. Yeah, that's true. You know, it's too hot.

I'm not my big dick, gravity, baby. It's knocking all the pregnant women pregnant women in the audience today. Out of you, baby, mama, you know that's mine. Oh, Elvis. I'm a blue suede shoes. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Oh, my God. Wow. Elvis. Elvis Presley, everyone. Elvis Presley. Take them. Did anyone hear that really tired woman in the audience say, oh my God? What did you say, baby?

Merital Moles in the audience? Yeah. You, you. You did a movie with her. Of course I did. Big Elvis's big fun beach party time sleepover movie. I got all the girls pregnant. Ooh, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Elvis, welcome to Boston. You ever been to Boston? Ooh. Just this answer your question? Donka, dunka, dunka, don'tca do donuts without you. No. No, I've never been to Boston. You know, I didn't think so

because I watched the movie, the recent one, you know, and you never saw him there. You watch my recent movie? No, the one about you. Wait, usually do movies show... Every city of the person's ever been to? Yeah. Wow.

So your movie's going to be a short one. Wow. Well, only if it's done now. If it's done in the near future, it could be very long. Wish you. Have you caught your breath, Elvis? I never will, baby.

And that's the truth. You should wear a fit bit during this. Elvis, how did you ever even do one concert? You're so tired right now. I know, baby. That's why, you know, you know me. I died on the toilet like all the sheep think. For the listeners at home, Elvis is putting air quotes around died on the toilet.

You sheep will believe anything buzzer. BuzzFeed tells you. BuzzFeed fan, Elvis. Getting a lot of your news from the old BuzzFeed? When I was still alive, BuzzFeed was a newspaper. You are still alive. Oh, yes, I'm still. You are still alive.

You're still alive. I mean, I live. You've never not been alive is what we're finding out right now. Yes, exactly. So, as you know, I died on Dr. Skeleton's Celebrity Toilet, which flushed me down to Mazatland where I've been living ever since. Pandering. Pandering.

I'm catching this man up. And reminded myself as well, baby, Baba. You died on Dr. Skeleton celebrity toilet. You flushed myself down to... Flesh yourself down. Ended up on the... Where was it? Mazutland, baby.

Right. On the Mazatland. Yes. That's a place. I'm not doubting you as much as maybe not hearing exactly what you're saying. I think you're saying muzzle land or something like that, but I don't know.

What hubblebubber is it about me, baby? A hobobobobobby that you can't understand. Danny silly little Bobby Boy. Thank you. Thank you, Elvis. Thank you. Jesus Christ, baby, Bubba. It's like only the women get me.

You know what I mean? I'm going to get so many titpicks after this. Oh, so you're like fully in modernity. You're texting, you're online, you're getting those nudes. People, are you on social media? Are you like... No, no, no. I still like it analog.

Okay? So that means... Angologue? Analog. Okay. an anal log okay so this is what you're gonna do

girls if you want to send me a nude you just gotta go home flush it down your toilet and it'll make it straight to me that's how I get my mail The best way to get in touch with you is via the toilet The toilet is your cell phone

Yes It's more like my news blaster And my breakfast giver More about that Elvis you eat shit Well hubbubba Whatever come my way. I wake up in the morning and I wrap my mouth around the tube that's connected to all

yours toilets. What doesn't make sense? Hubba-oh, baby, what? Wait. Alice, is this every toilet in the world? Except for yours. Oh. Is that good or bad? Well, it depends on the size of your poops. Kel, that brings up a good question. Sure. Can you talk about the relative size of your poops?

I mean, I'm not going to be a big bank hank about it and say that exaggerate. Don't get the many ammo. I'm not going to exaggerate. Same size as everybody else. Yeah, okay. Thank you. Marilyn Monroe is missing for Mazelan. This is huge news. I came here tonight to try to find her. I'm in big hubbub over trouble, baby. Is that why you're here in Boston, Elvis?

Looking for Marilyn Monroe? Yes, because if I don't find her and bring her back to the island, Dr. Skeleton will execute me. You want Dr. Skeleton? Dr. Skeleton will execute him. If I don't find Marilyn Monroe and bring her back. Dr. Skeleton will execute. Is Dr. Skeleton related to Dr. Skull?

I'm sure they're cousins, yes. Who's Dr. Skull? Oh, I thought somebody said Dr. Skull earlier, but maybe it's been skeleton the whole time. It has a mishear. But let's dig into it. Is Dr. Skull a different guy? I'm not sure.

I haven't really listened to the podcast episode. So to catch everyone up, you live in Mazitlon. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, it's a real place. Hubba Dummy Bear. There are a lot of celebrities who have been sucked down into Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilet. It's a privilege, Scott, not a curse, but yes.

How famous does one have to be to get sucked in podcast? You always want to know, don't you? You got one little tear rolling down your cheek. No, I killed someone, actually. That's a tattoo. Well, there's different locations currently at Mazzaland. We had Maryland. God, I miss those swanging old bingo jangos.

We got Jim Henson. Do you miss those swinging bango jangos? No, he's still there. His jango jangos is still there. And another beautiful woman I've had the pleasure of donkey, Duncan, Shell Silverstein. Ooh, that bald head and that big giant beard. Those crazy eyes.

She's a weird-looking woman. But I love her. You're in love with her. Oh, yes. Oh, okay. Everybody loves Elvis. What am I supposed to do? That's the thing, yeah.

You're one of the most famous people in the world. I am the most famous person in the world. Are you really? You'd go that far. Do you think it's you? I guess that's all you need to say. What? Fight me, Scott.

Oh, do it. Do it, Scott. Do I want me to fight Elvis? You got to. Oh, wow. He's calling you out. He's calling you out. He's putting down his microphone.

I'm scared. Why he put down your microphone? Are you sure you want to break your foot so early in the tour? I got a kick in. You'll die in 12 hours. And that's the Elvis Way, baby, Baba. I didn't realize you had Elvis Powers. Yes.

That's Austin Powers. I'm sorry. Is he there with you? Of course, baby, baby, Baba. He hasn't been in a movie since, of course, Goldmember. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. You should do more movies. If they're not Austin Powers movies, he should just do other movies. So you can be in those too? Do you think that's how

you're going to get back in the movies? Yeah. Okay. If there's more Austin Powers? All right. He'll grandfather me in. Absolutely. He was a time traveler from the 60s. I'll explain the plot to you later. You were saying, Cal? I forgot. I remember. We took a moment. Yeah, we weren't going to continue I'm glad we took a moment. I don't think it'll be worth it, but how about speaking of celebrities that we think are dead

but are actually flushed down the toilet to Mazzatlan, and also speaking of Austin Powers, what about the guy from Traders Australia who quoted Austin Powers and then we didn't see him on the show ever again? I heard about this guy on the cab ride over here. Two of my friends were talking about him.

What? Listen, baby, maybe if I'd been in the van with you all the way home from the airport, I'd know what you're talking about, but I'm Elvis Presley, okay? I just thought I'd ask. Now, look, I need all of your help finding Marilyn Monroe, and she might be here tonight because that lady loves theaters. Is Marilyn Monroe here? There's two of them.

Liar. She's much more humble than that. I don't think she'd call it out. Do you have reason to believe she's in Boston? Is it where there are clues? That's the way the wind was blowing, yeah. You know Marilyn, she finds an air vent in the ground, and she's got to do the, she got to push a skirt into it, right?

What's, what? She goes, oh, you know, oh. And then what do you do? Oh, I'm going, whoa. It's not funny, Bubba, Baba, blah, because it's actually a medical emergency when she's doing that. Oh, no, what's up with Mary. Marilyn Monroe had throat cancer,

and Dr. Skeleton saved her life by swapping her vaginal canal with her mouth canal. her mouth canal. And when that lady goes over an air vent, she's just gasping for breath. Oh, so her, you saw her, this is still connected to her lungs? This part is... That's what I mean.

Wow, wow. It's just like a freaky Friday with her vagina and her throat. God, these men know nothing about the women's body, huh? How does it work, Elvis? Please, tell us. How does it work? Yeah, a classic case.

Everyone's obsessed with Marilyn doing the, oh, over the vent, even though she's just breathing air. But nobody gives a hell's crap when she unhinges a jaw and gives birth to her babies out of her mouth. I'll be honest. If I saw her do that, I would also have questions. I would be shocked. Here's another question.

How did she eat? She's got an eating disorder. Thanks for bringing it out. Oh, wow. Oh, Jason, you really stepped in. Really nice. Come on, Jason. I feel so awful.

Hoba, bub, bu, insensitive. I apologize. Let me apologize. But she eats up her butt. The one thing that's still the same that hasn't been changed or moved. Wait, what? Do you think everyone eats up their butt? No, the butt hasn't been moved or swapped with anything else.

Everything moves one up. What? You're acting as if it's obvious. Everything moves one up? What do you mean? How about this? How would I spell it out for you? What if I said everybody moved one chair down? Okay.

Could that make sense to you? If you watch the show tonight, you know we have not figured that out either. Listen, when the next guest comes out, you'll see. But becomes vagina. Vigana becomes mouth. Lungs become butt. Anus becomes brain. Simple science, baby.

It's a woman's body. Hubba, blah, blah. Oh. Well, how are you going to find Marilyn? I don't know how, but it's my fault. I'm sorry. Why? Why is it your fault?

Well, she got blown away from a blast That was my fubba-b-b-ba-fault I was cooking I was cooking meth in the sewers Why? She came to stand over the grate And boom, baby Elvis, why are you cooking meth?

I've been cooking meth my whole life, baby My mama'll teach you how to do it You get a little pan, okay? You simmer up with a little bit of butter Then you put a little piece of bread with some peanut butter and then you get some bananas Okay And then you put another piece of bread on it

and when it's all cooked up, you smoked that shit. You're Elvis, just by meth. You think it's that easy? I don't know, I don't know what you're fine. Let's roll play it out. Get up. Okay. Hello, bubble, bubble. You have to ring the bell.

Oh. Ding bubble, ding, ding, ding, dong, baby, bubble. Next. Next. Can I help you? Oh. Hello. Ding-ling-ling-l-oh. Oh, hey!

How's it going? Yeah, I'm just going to be like... Oh, boy, an open door. I'd like to buy some peanut butter meth, baby, mama. But please, don't tell anyone my identity because I'm a celebrity, like these other celebrities. Hillary Duff. And...

Please don't help me. And her sister Haley. So, see, where things fall apart here? Because he's going to want to go fan-girling over us. Watch this. Yeah, it's me, Elvis. What are you going to do? You suck my dick?

Oh, sorry, sorry. Hubba, bubble. That's not sealing the deal for me in regards to me sucking your dick. I'm sorry, I don't know who you are. I know these two ladies, hello. Hi, I'm Haley Duff. I'm Hillary Duff.

We're the Duff. Big fan. Yeah, we know. We got your letters. Oh, no, this is the guy? That's why we're here. Steer clear of us, creep. You came all the way down.

To tell me that? To your shop. Do you want to hang out? Sure. Sure. Come on back. I mean, just come back to here. Just, I'll unlock this. Come on back. Oh, no, he's opened the door to a bunch of teenage girl skeletons.

Be careful, be careful. Oh, no. Would you like to be... There's a barrier here. Sorry. Good object work, good object work. Would you like to become one of these skeletons? Ow! Oh, no, my sister.

And scene. So that's what happens every time I try to buy meth. Wow. All right. I guess I see what you're talking about. That does seem inconvenient. I'd hand it when you were explaining it, but when it was illustrated physically, it made all the sense in the world. Exactly.

Well, do you have any plan to find her in this audience? Or do you want our help? Sure, let me have a look around. Yeah, I would start there. Are you sure she wants to be? found. Is it possible? Elvis? She's trying to get a... No. Fuck.

Are you Maryland Monroe? Sorry, no. Are you Maryland Monroe, baby? No. I would caution against going any deeper into a Boston audience. I don't think she's here, but I'll know it. Are you sure she wants to be found? Maybe she's

trying to get away from you, Elvis. Do you think she's mad at me, bu, blah, bo, bo, bo? I just think, Elvis, you're clinging. You're needy. You're needy. Yeah, you're thirsty Look, you came all the way here Just to find her just to find her

Because she got away from you If she wanted you to know where she was She wanted some space I blew her away into oblivion She didn't want that Well maybe she's mad Maybe she's mad you blew her away Into oblivion quote unquote

Marilyn please come back I'll blow you away in many different ways Hubbubba She's She's Come up here How does she get up here? Is it legal?

I don't know. Oh, here, there's one thing that we'll prove it. Oh, boy. No, wait a minute. Hang on. There's one thing that will prove it. Hey, hey, listen, listen. Name two movies you're in.

The one. Nope, nope. Back to your seat. I'm not done. I'm not done. Can you sing us the Happy Birthday Mr. President's song? Is Frankie here? Frankie's not the...

Frankie's nice and polite and stayed in his seat. He sent his assassin to get us. Really hubba-bubba, relieved hoop-a-bo-ba. But I found my sweet little wango-jango. You found her. Now, Elvis, are you at all? You had nothing to say. You're saying that you love her and you're trying to find her.

But yet Marilyn- All you did was dance behind her. And also Marilyn has clearly said she loved someone named Frankie in the audience. And that just went, you didn't seem to respond at all. Like, Marilyn's not into you, bro. She's into Frankie. Why? Well, we have another guest, and this one is probably, at least around these parts, probably even more famous than you, Elvis.

I'm sorry, but it's true. We'll see, hubbubub, I hope this person comes out ready to fight, and I'm not kidding. We'll see if he's ready to fight. He is, look, do I know everything about him? Sure. But should I? So use three specifics to introduce. him.

He was an incredible member of, what do you call a basketball? It's a team, right? Yep. Called the Celtics. And I know two of his names. Please welcome Larry Bird. What did you say?

What are you talking about? Spoilers. I think there's a basketball game going on. Oh, I thought you were talking about Avatar. Do you have Avatar spoilers? I have every... every avatar spiler, and that's what I came out here to talk about. But I guess I won't now because somebody yelled, don't spoil it.

I think we should spoil it. Fuck. Larry, it's so great to meet you. I mean, you're a basketball legend from what I'm told, and you won a lot? Yeah, I won a couple times. Right here, and as I make my triumphant return, to the great city of Boston.

I want to talk about one thing tonight, Scott. And that is the power, beauty, elegance, and grace of all state insurance. Scott, do you have a car? I mean, not on me.

You don't have one on you? How'd you get here? There are other ways to get places. I was coming from Los Angeles. I think that would be like a five-day trip. Well, it wouldn't take that long. About 36 hours. Straight? This fucker don't know how to drive. No, that was a question.

Straight, gay? I would much rather... Bisexual? Larry, if you don't mind me asking, I mean, I was a kid in the 80s watching you and the Celtics play against Magic and the Lakers. What was that rivalry like? I'll tell you what. Magic had a lot of nice cars, and cars need insurance.

Great guy. smile. Great driver. Magic Johnson was a great driver? Excellent driver. Why does that surprise me? I don't know. Why didn't you? Why were you surprised by that? I don't know.

What about magic says bad driver? I guess just the athlete stereotype, you know. The stereotype of athletes that they can't drive? They're like Tiger Woods out there driving around like a maniac. Tiger Woods was getting beat to.

hell by his wife. While he was driving? Yes. Why? Shit, I don't know. Hey, Larry. Who's the worst driver in the NBA? Worst driver in the NBA.

When I played, or now? Give me both. Okay. When I played, it was Fat Lever of the Denver Nuggets. Terrible driver. I wouldn't give that dude insurance as far as I can throw him. But now,

Hmm I guess Gigi Jackson of the Memphis Grizzlies Everybody knows these references in here Because they're all here right now Instead of watching their team in the finals So clearly it's a lot of sports fans in here Wow, so good to see y'all your beautiful place

You said Gigi Jackson? Yes, sir I think a lot of people in this room probably think it's Gilmore Girls Jackson Say that again It doesn't matter, it's just a dumb joke I got a question for you, Bubba. If a fellow like me with a bobo-b-bub-a-holy famous life, got life insurance before he faked his own death

and moved to Mazatlan, can he get life insurance again for a second time, even though we told everybody he was Bubba-bubba dead? You could, but you'd have to use a different name. Say that name, you just say it again. Gilmore Girls Jackson? Gilmore Girls Jackson. Change your name to Gilmore Girls Jackson.

I'll give you insurance policy right now. So when you were, I'll be, you know, whether it's now, and you're processing, I'm sure, the NBA finals that are happening, or when you yourself were playing, was part of learning and understanding the game also knowing who on the other team were good and bad drivers? Yes. That's how I got in their heads. Is that the kind of? Really?

See, Larry, I mean... Scott, what do you want? Understands the nature of this conversation. No offense. The insurance stuff... Some taking. What are you about to say? Yeah, because everybody who says no offense is about to say something offensive.

Say it. Okay, okay. Say it. Say it. No, Larry, all I mean to say is... Say it, I slap fire out your ass. This is Boston. It's shocking.

This hasn't happened already. All I mean to say, Larry, is you're such a legendary basketball player. I would love to hear more about that rather than... I mean, you're out there selling insurance. I thought you just, like, were a supposed person. I'm also writing commercials. Listen, you want to hear about basketball? Okay.

Basketball is a lot like insurance. Everybody needs one. How does that pertain to basketball? Everybody needs a basketball. And also, to play basketball? What if somebody asks you to play? Many people have more than one. You got to kick two things you keep your trunk at all times.

A basketball and your insurance card. In your trunk? Yep. Don't you put it in that glove compartment? Hey Larry. What is it? What are the kind of insurance to yourself? Car, home, life.

Can you bundle? Do you have bundles available? Can you bundle? You can bundle. What if you were to lose all three of those at once? If you were to lose your car and your home and your life at the same time? Yeah, like you're driving your car and then the brakes go out and you just plow right into your house. And it falls.

like it's made out of crackers. Is that, do they call that? Is there a name for that? Is that like a triple double? Is there some sort of like... That is what we call a triple double. Good job. Well, what is your name, sir?

A Jason Mansuchas. You are cool. Hey, give it up with this guy. What about me? Scotty Ox. Scotty D. Scotty D. Who the fuck calls you that?

Larry, take me through. the NBA finals. We're experiencing some right now. The Celtics are back. What was it like? We're experiencing some of the NBA finals right now. These are the terms we use to describe them. We've experienced some of the final.

You won your championships with the Celtics? Yes. And take us through that night. What's it like to win the trophy? All right, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I'll take you back to one moment exactly.

Huh? Trophy? Yes, a trophy and a ring. You win two things? He bundles it, baby, mama. He bundles it. Hey, is the Stanley Cup the only sports trophy that has

its own name? No, the NBA trophy is called Larry O'Brien. It's called Larry O'Brien? Mm-hmm. What's the World Series one call? A bunch of flags. But this Stanley Cup, like, No one gets their own Stanley Cup, right?

They all drink from it. Then they got to give it back after the year. You're drinking hundreds of years of pissing beer. Gotta share it. All right, you want to hear about the NBA finals? Yes, of course. I tell you, the year was 1986. I drove to the Boston Garden.

I parked my car in the player parking lot. What were you driving back then, Larry? A Nissan Z. So cool. Fucking cool. Small car, big guy. Yeah. Yep.

It's hard to get 6'8 in the Nissan Z, but I did it. I took the front seats out and I drove from the back. Like Officer Hightower. Exactly. My favorite film.

Really? What do you love about Police Academy? The sounds that Michael Winslow made. He's amazing. Woo! Hey, doggie. All right. So I drove to the Boston Garden,

and I parked in the player parking lot. Yada, yada. I drove home. But this was the championship game. Game seven. When you're like in flow state. When you're in the game, when you're in flow state, you're in the zone, you know, it is make or break. This is the final game, hopefully.

Like, what's going through your mind? What's in, like, what's the interiority of Larry Bird during that championship game? I'll tell you all about my interiority. This is going to be the interiority report? This is the interiority report. You've heard a minority report. This is the interiority report. Okay.

It's 1986. My shorts are up to here. My two balls smooth as eggs falling out a little bit. So you are on record as having two. Yes. There has been a rumor. Listen, Boston people love me,

and so they say certain things like Larry had three balls. Three ball bird, they call them. Ballberg, interiority. Three seconds on the clock. We're up. How many points? How many points?

I don't remember. It was 40 years ago. Seems important. Just know that we're winning the game. Okay. But is it close? Kind of. Blowout? It's not much of a blowout.

No. All right. You got, you ready for the interiority, Scott? Or you got any more shithead questions? James winding down. And what's going through my head at that moment is, the sooner you get out of here, the sooner you get to get back in your car

and drive through the Boston streets all the way back to your house in French League, Indiana. Tonight, you're going to drive back, and you're going to drive back to Boston tomorrow for the parade. That's a quick turnaround on that parade. So you commuted to every Boston. I did not live in this damn city. Spoiler alert.

Oh, that guy's pissed. He's pissed. I know he was waiting on my biopic. And in that biopic. The big twist? Yeah. I never lived in Boston. Never spent one red scent in this damn town.

And that's communist money? Yeah. A red cent. Yeah. That's communist money. It's town full of commies. These goddamn comedies out of here. Can we get one avatar spoiler?

Just one. All right. It could be from the previous movies. It could be from one coming up. Please, I've never seen any of them, baby. Just grab them all quick. Okay. You want them all quick?

All right. All these tall blue people drive around. None of them have insurance. It's a horrible world. Because they come from a different planet. It's called Pandora. And on Pandora, you don't need insurance. It is some kind of hell.

Accidents everywhere, nobody recouping the money. Houses falling like they're made a rat shit. Lives being lost kids growing up without their parents. And not having any of their parents' life insurance money, nobody is in good hands. And that sums up the movies. Sorry, sir. Please forgive me.

So take us back to the game, baby, mama. You're there on the court. The clock is going one o'clock, two o'clock, three, a clock, and four, a clock, five, go on, six, five. I'll take it, five. So this was a special game, because instead of the time winding down, it went up. So the game was getting longer and longer.

And my shorts were getting shorter and shorter. I'm tipping at this point. You know what that means got when you're tipping? You're still tipping on fo-fo? Not as special. Just where you're poking out just a little bit like that. Got it. Poking out the bottom of the store.

I've seen pictures of you, Scott, wearing shorts. I don't figure out. I'm tipping all the time. That's why I got to dance like this because I'm squeezing my little dick between my knees, baby. Elvis, you have a little dick? Oh, it's a little, but it's long like a shoelaze, baby. Much bo-bo, blah, blah.

Oh, yeah. Dance, he's got a little tip-tip, little worm coming out the bottom of his pant leg. And he's trying to slurp it back up. That's why he's doing that. He's going to come on up. Come on up. You know, I was... You're talking about yourself

in the third person now? I saw Elvis at the International Theater in 1977 in Las Vegas. Wow. At the Hilton International, Las Vegas, Nevada. Amazing.

That was right before you faked your death. That's right. I remember you. Front row shirt off. Whopening it over your head. I was just a freshman at Indiana State University. And I said,

one day I'm going to be the best basketball player ever. And I'm going to give you some insurance, Elvis. and then he died. Well, but today, today, that declaration can come true. Kill more girls, Jackson. Scott, what else you got to say to me?

Everyone. Well, one thing I did want to say to our fine collection of people here, is that it's a pleasure that you're all out here. You all came to Boston. Sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt here. Has anybody seen... Is that Cal?

I don't want it. No, my two. Who's talking? I'm looking for my two fucking golden retrievers. He's right there. I'm sorry to do this. I'm sorry to interrupt. Have you guys seen my fucking goldens?

No, I've been on a long hunt. Pudge. Is that you, Pudge? Yeah, it's me. I'm Pudge. You still haven't found your golden retrievers? No, sweet Caroline and they come into America. It's been a fucking, listen.

It's been fucking. It's been fucking hard the last. How you doing, my friend? Okay, listen, I'm here and I know I'm interrupting your show, and I know you're from fucking Hollywood. But guess what? In Boston, you're all the same as us. You're just dust in the wind, my fucking friends.

So let's get down to business. Have you seen my boys? Have you not? Because until I find them, I'll keep searching. Where did you get a microphone? I swear God, they just hand me one. Can I get through here?

I don't think he accounted for cabaret seating. No, I get you. You're coming on stage right now? You can go around. Quick little hug. You can go around. What do you do? Don't do a little hug.

Don't give hugs to the ladies in the audience. Don't give hugs. No, five fingers from anybody that's worth it. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. How are you guys doing? Hi, Pudge.

Nice to see you guys, everybody. Nice to fucking see you. It's been a long road. Please, sorry. Oh, thank you. Thank you. No, I'm fucking starving, too. Please.

Yeah, let's all switch. How are you doing? How are you doing? I'm gonna take one chair away. Wouldn't that be funny? Huge fan, by the way. Huge fan of Elvis. Oh, absolutely.

Baby Mama, what's your favorite song, huh? Yeah, I understood that. Get it? I understand. Yeah, hey Pudge, it's good to see you again, but we saw you a couple years ago when we were in wherever it was, Bedford. I mean, no, I'll be honest, we went from Medford.

We were in Medford, then we went up to Portland, Maine. Yeah, you were in Portland, Maine, too. You know, I made my way across country, and I'm looking for them, and I'm sorry to tell you guys this, I haven't found him yet. I haven't found him yet. Two years ago, I mean, they're... Two years ago, that's six years ago for my daughter. My daughter's been missing six years.

Your daughter's been missing six years. Six years. Yeah, six years. You guys hungry? Always. Who's hungry? No, be honest. And don't give me none of this bullshit from Hollywood where you're on a cat, and no card guy.

Let's get some wonder bread out here. We got some bologna. Who wants one? Who wants a sandwich? One what? Oh, a sandwich? Yeah. Who wants a sandwich? I guess so.

I got peanut butter, baby. Peanut butter, please. Peanut butter, please. Peanut butter, peanut butter, please. No, we're not doing peanut butter, but I'm going to have a sandwich. You guys carry on with your fucking show. I'm going to have a snack before I carry on with my search. You're going to make a sandwich on the stage, baby.

I see why the other guest has left. You know, Scott, I won a lot of championships in that jersey right there, except we didn't play in the black ones back then. We had a strong, steadfast room. fast room, no black jerseys. Basketball was great then. And I was king.

That's true. Clap for me. I am your hero. Hey, Pudge. Yeah, what's up? Hi, my name's Cal. Can I ask you a question? How's it going? Where are we? Over there, Pudge. Look at Cal when he's talking to you. What's your daughter's name? My daughter's name?

Yeah. Barbara. Barbara? Yeah. How long ago did she go missing? Six years ago. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. Yeah. My dogs went missing two years. Right, right. How many slices of bologna do you want on your sandwich?

Zero. You just want mustard? Who's up first? Who's up first? Who's up first? What's a sandwich? Anyone want a sandwich out there? No, you want a sandwich.

That's a good kid. That kid guarantee that guy's South Shore. What, this guy? What's he from, Situate? He's situate. These guys from fucking situate? He could be Plymouth. Oh, okay.

He could be Plymouth. What are you from Seacock, my guy? He could be all the way of Cape. What are you from Quincy? What are you frailbob? I'm sorry, are you Wootang? Holy shit. I'm sorry, are you Dano?

Oh, my God. He can't tell you right now. He's got Wonderbread stuck to the roof of his mouth. I'm sorry to interrupt your show. It's all right, Pudgeon. We want to find your golden retrievers. We want to find your daughter, especially how old was she when she went missing? You want me to be honest with you?

Yeah. My daughter was, well, let me just tell you guys this. Do you want a spotlight? Do you want to see if we can get a spotlight for you? The stage to go dark and just a spotlight on me, if it's able. And I'll tell you the story of the day my daughter went missing. Seems like it's unable. Let's just give it another few seconds to see if we go.

Oh, here we go. Something's happening. We're getting somewhere. Let's see, you know. Slower? That's what I think that's about a specific light on you as they can do. This is a long story. So you're going to have to deal with it.

All right? All right, Pudge. We have a little bit of time, so go ahead. Tell your story. 1986. Oh, good year. Celtics are in the playoffs. Crushing the Lakers, by the way.

Fucking crushing the Lakers just about as hot as they're crushing the Mavericks tonight. I think we were losing last time I'm a joke. No spoilers. No spoilers. No spoilers. Avatar, spoilers only. I know. Everybody's got it on TiVo.

I wake up in the morning. And as every morning I wake up, I make my daughter a bowl of cereal. Can you guess the brand of cereal? Kicks. Whoever said Lucky Choms. Lucky Choms is

the best Boston accent cereal. Lucky Chams. Lucky Chams. Captain Crunch. Lucky Chams. Honey bunches of oats. and I send her off to Newton High. I get a text from her.

This is 1986, baby? You get a text? Yeah. Wow. On what device? The first text? True story. First text.

First Nokia ever designed. Came through on my Nokia. My phone, it came through, and she said, hey, I'm not going to make it home. And I said, wait, what's going on?

Tonight we're going to have, and you know what we're having for dinner. If you're from Boston, we're having... Lucky fucking charms. Lucky charms in the morning, lucky charms for dinner. Lucky charms. Kelly's roast beef in between.

All day long. So I say, hey, you've got to make it home. I mean, tonight's your mother's birthday. And you guys all know my mother, Carolyn. You know her. Hold on a second. Always starts so heavy on one side.

That is so much mustard. Hey, who wants this one? That one is a mustard sand. That's a mustard sand. That one's got an ass piece. They put a booty bread on that one. So my daughter tells me that she has a dance at night. She's not going to make it home.

And your daughter's name is Nokia? My daughter's name is Nokia. So, this is in 1986, by the way. And your daughter's been missing for now six years. Six years. Yeah, well, no. That's what... It took me...

It took me about 30 years to recognize she was gone. So since you noticed it, it's been six years. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, technically, we could go, I mean... Sure, no. Who knows? Oh, man, the...

The world's a funny place. Right? Am I wrong? Okay. She tells me she has a dance set. night and then I get a text that says hey not interested in having a relationship what kind of phone do you have this is all seriously this is all over a rotary it's all over rotary so it's T9 Morse code on a rotary and she said

she's not interested in having a relationship with me anymore so your daughter this is my daughter wow I don't want to bring the room down. I know you guys are comedians. You're supposed to be funny and stuff. Sir, I am not a comedian. I am an insurance salesman. I'm a disgrace CIA operative

and aspiring rapper. And I am Gilmore Girl Jackson. Well, I'm just doing the best job I can as a guy. But you know what? To be honest, much it doesn't sound like you're doing all that great. I mean, your daughter Please start some mustard in the center. Thank you.

Again, it's so much mustard. That must be your taste. That must be what you think is inappropriate. And then mustard to taste. It's totally fine. And for anybody worried out there, they're like, oh, maybe he's dirty. I have not washed my hands.

Who wants one over here? I really, I caution everybody against this. Yeah. No, it'll be fine. How long is that all of those? ingredients been in your backpack. Oh, these? Yes, these.

The ones you're using. The ones that you're making, the sandwiches you're making on the floor of the theater? We're wondering about that, yes. Without exaggeration, I bought these the day my daughter went missing.

1986. 1986. It's been hot. But, can't, go on with your show. Pudge, Pudge, you're obviously a man in crisis. No, I'm not in crisis. crisis? I'm fine.

Your daughter left you 30 years ago and you haven't dealt with it. I don't care about my daughter. I care about fucking sweet Caroline and they come into America. That's who I'm looking for and if anybody... Don't you think that maybe that's maybe a projection or that's

maybe you should be looking for your daughter? Who the fuck of you? He makes a good point, Jason. Who are you? You got a problem with me? I mean, no. I don't know who you are. You come into my life. I'm, I'm, I'm not in your house, my guy.

I'm at the Wilba, bro. You're at the fucking... You came out of my stage. No, I can't... You're just chucking bologna sandwiches into the crowd. Well, why don't you man up and eat one? Absolutely not. Eat one. It's soaking wet, baby Bobo. By the way...

It looks like it came fresh room in an aquarium, baby. I seem to remember in the green room saying it's been a very long time since I've had a bologna sandwich and I am not starting now. I'm also now understanding the first conversation around bologna sandwiches and if we would eat them. Do you know when you go to

if you go to Starr? No. If you go to Starr Market, if you go to Starr Market, you can buy beef bologna or you can buy... You are having so much trouble putting that piece of bread on... I've never seen someone

handle every ingredient more than the floor sandwich you just assembled that you are going to give to an audience member to consume eight no when you're in New England things slow down

okay you take your time you get some French's fucking mustard you don't buy the expensive baloney you buy the shitty stuff it was a dollar 50 more for beef only baloney I went with the regular

you want one okay did you get it at the Star Market? By the way, yeah, you gotta at the fucking Star Market. Where else you go? You could have gone to the Stop and Shop. There's no... I could go Stop and Shop. I could go Hannaford. I could go... Haniford, what are you in Maine?

I'm so sorry. I've been all over the place. Looking for my dogs. Ralph's, Vaughn's, Shaws. Uh... Market Basket. Market Basket. Market basket. Fucking Damu. Market Basket's the best of Boston. Market Basket's where you got to go for your

lucky charms. Market Basket, and I'm not kidding you, Market Basket had the best cinnamon rolls you could ever buy next to Hotland. And if anybody knows Hotland as a reference, anybody? I don't know any of these references because

I never lived here. You're Larry Bird. That's right. You never lived here? Nah, commuted. Nobody on stage is going to take a bite of a bologna sandwich. I'm not. Why would any of us do it when you haven't eaten one yourself, Pudge?

Who wants Pudge here to eat his own bologna sandwich? And should he make it a triple decker? Trust me, I'll do that. One? One. For crap, babe. Let's do that. And I'll let you guys decide how much mustard I put it.

Stop rubbing the back of your hand against the baloney. Know what baloney is, by the way? What is it? I don't know. I'm asking you know what baloney. Ground up meat scraps. I don't know what the fuck baloney is, but here, you guys decide when I hear, when I hear everybody say, let's say, when I hear you say, take your time and think of it. Make sure it works.

Let's see, when I hear you, when I hear you say, stop, Pudge. When I hear you say stop, I'll stop. All right. Don't you dare say it. He heard it. They're French. I didn't get the generic. My mother bought generic.

My mother swore. This is a true story. Do we need the spotlight again? Yeah. My mother. Is this a flashback? Do we need flashback sounds? My mother swore by generic.

Raisin brand? Generic. uh... anything you can buy generic she would buy generic what's that no they weren't called Lucky Chimes when they were generic

do you know what they were called no what oh no I'm asking you do you know what they were called they were called like good luck I literally heard the squirting sound

when you press that down so disgusting eat it all eat it all eat it all eat it all eat it all eat it all eat it all eat it all Eat it up, eat it out, eat it out, eat it out, eat it all, eat it all, eat it all, eat it all, eat it all, eat it.

Wash it down with some nice frenches. It's squirted. Pudge, I got a question to ask you. I fucking reminded me. Thank you. Here's some nice dry napkins to wash that down with it. And now he's going to chug two sodas? Chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it.

Punch, punch, punch. As your basketball hero, as your childhood hero, I got one question to ask you. Do you have life insurance? And who is your provider? I feel like I need it. I feel like I need it. No, this has been a really good stop on my adventure to find my dogs. You know, I really appreciate that.

Anybody want to cook? One of you guys that had a baloney sandwich, you want to cook? Okay. Spin all round, spin. A belly flop. A belly flop. A belly flop. All right, that's our show.

Peace of killing. Yeah.