Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2024 Tour, Denver (Paul F. Tompkins, Carl Tart, Lily Sullivan, Ryan Gaul)

Episode Date: May 21, 2026

Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases.   If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen.   Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang   Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone. This is Scott Ackerman, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of comedy bang-bang-bang out from behind the paywall. And this week's bonus bang is the latest episode in a series that we are calling a Quicky with Kayla Dickie, where we are, of course, are showcasing episodes featuring Kayla Dickie, played by that performer you all know and love Lily Sullivan. Kayla is a simple woman with a simple dream of meeting a guy who owns the biggest truck on the market. Now, this episode is called 2024 tour Denver. It was recorded live at the Paramount Theater in Denver on our 2024 live tour.

It was originally released to subscribers at CBBWorld.com on July 24th, 2024. This one also stars Paul F. Tompkins as Mason Klaj, Carl Tart as Hootie, and Ryan Gahl as Financial Advisor Doug Gropes. Now, this episode is especially ground beefing and notable because, it features the very first appearance of essayist Mason Klaj. And it is a homecoming for Kayla who is a native of Montrose, Colorado. So a lot going on here. Now, if you would like to witness historic live comedy moments like this, you are in luck because CBB is heading out on our ground beefing tour, 2026 in just a few days.

We're going to be in Toronto on Monday and then down to the States for so many dates. We hope to see you out there. You can get all of the ticket information at CBBWorld.com slash tour. You can see me, Paul F. Tompkins and the Comedy Bang All-Stars. We're going to throw an extra bang in there, we even think. So Comedy Bang-Bang All-Stars. And in September, we're going to be returning to the venue where this episode was recorded, the Paramount Theater in Denver, so that's fun.

You can check out all of the tour dates again at CBBWorld.com slash tour. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang, as well as shows like CBB Presents, Scott hasn't seen, neighborhood listen, college town. Become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, every live episode we've ever done, add-free new episodes, even more original shows. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang-Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

This is comedy, bang, bye, comedy, bang, bang. This is my favorite Denver, except for Gilligan, of course. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you. Thank you to Alvado Mendez from Panama. Catchphrase superstar. Hello, Denver. So good to be back.

Thank you for having us. We have not been here in so long. The last time we were here, anyone here the last time we were here? Whoa! If you got so hot and heavy by all the wonderful comedy and went home and banged your significant other

and one of you got pregnant. The kid would be seven now, because we were here eight years ago. Did that happen? I always find it funny when you, like, kids, you know, they know when they were born, but when they figure out what was going on in their parents' life, like the nine months before.

And I realized I was with my parents about a year ago and I backed it all up, I was like, was I conceived on 9-11? Very rude. Very rude. Guys, welcome to the show. My name is Scott Ogerman. It's such a pleasure to be here in Denver, Colorado.

We were here in this theater, the Paramount Theater. I kind of remember it, maybe. But it's wonderful to be back, and I'm so happy we could come back this year. And has anyone Does anyone here not know what comedy bang Ming is? They just kind of bought a ticket and they have never heard right here? You sir.

All right. Great. And you're proud of it? You have a good seat. This is probably expensive. What are you doing? Someone brought you? Is that?

That's so nice. Oh my gosh. That's so cool. He said he needed more joy in his life, so he just bought tickets. That's amazing. If you're not fucking with me. Okay, he's not.

I believe you. Well, let me explain for you and for those of you who have not been to one of these shows before what it is. It's essentially a talk show. We have these on sometimes in the morning, sometimes late at night. They're called chat shows,

sometimes in other countries, especially. And the primary characteristic of these shows is they don't have scripts. What you're about to see here tonight is a discussion that has not been had before, has not been talked about, has not been prearranged. I am the host of the talk show. I'll have several guests out here. We have not talked about what we're going to talk about. We have not even really discussed anything.

Some of them I've never even met before. These are all just new conversations with people. the show you're going to see here tonight has never been done before and thank God we'll never be done again yes and we have a great show we have coming up we have an essayist

will be here we have a singer pretty famous singer I have to say we have a reality TV show star and a financial advisor so that's So get your wallets out.

But before we get to all that, I like to, I was going to say warm up the audience, but it's not even a warm up at setting you guys on fucking fire. Because we're about to do what I like to call the most exciting 15 seconds in podcasting. We're about to do something that I call the balcony report, Denver. What is the balcony report? Quite simply, it is a way for you here in the audience. It's instructional. I'm sure that someone came out here and pointed out the fire exits beforehand.

This is instructional for you to know in case you want to visit it, in case you want to turn around, and don't turn around right now, don't spoil the fun. In case you want to view it, in case you want to imagine yourself up there. Some people are already up there. Cheapskates. But this is for everyone in this audience and the audience at home to learn instructionally how many balconies are in each of the venues in which we perform.

A lot of people, they don't get out of their shithole towns. And they can only imagine a world where places have balconies and running water. So this is for them, these podcast listeners, somehow have computers. Now what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you two numbers, Denver. I'm going to give you the number of the balconies that are here within the Paramount Theater

here tonight. And that's going to be exciting as hell. But then, I'm going to give you an even bigger number. And that number is the number of balconies total in which we have performed to date. On this tour. Yeah.

Yeah. So pretty exciting. Up to this point, up to last night, we have performed in front of 14 balconies. That's, it's pretty, pretty good. We're in the first third of the tour. Not bad, right? So the first number is going to be lower than the second number is going to be that number, added to the number I just revealed, which is not an official number. That's not one of the two numbers I described.

That was a bonus number. Does everyone understand? Swapping out. Quitting time. First five minutes of the show, I am done. Throwing off her jersey. Like Kobe of the Lakers. It's okay to mention him.

He was a Laker. People still mention Martin Luther King and that didn't end well. Affectionately. Hello, sir. Glad to have you on. I realize now you're not looking at me. Are you prepared? I need a verbal yes.

If any of these fucking weirdos rust the stage, what kind of, what, seriously, what is your martial arts training? I'm talking to you. But thank you. I actually would like to pull the entire audience as to your martial arts treatment.

I'm talking to, of course, our security guard over here. It's very confusing. I'm gesturing slightly over to the side. I understand. This is a guy I want you to watch out for. All right, two numbers. And I'm pretty sure I'm correct about the first one. Having a good look at it, yeah.

Because Denver, Colorado, I am pleased as punch to announce the Paramount Theater has one balcony. You gotta be, of course you're proud. Of course you're proud. Now remember, I said we had 14 balconies. total originally. We're going to add this number of balconies to that number.

Hold on to your fucking asses. Here we go. Because Denver, Colorado, to date, the Comedy Bang Bang Into Your Mouth 24 tour has performed in front of 15 balconies. Wow. So, yeah.

That just happened. Well, guys, are we ready to start the show? Enough of these foolishness. shenanigans, tomfoolery. We have a wonderful show, and I'm excited because every once in a while you get to meet new people when you do a show like this.

This is someone who's never been on the show before, but I mentioned he is an essayist. Very, very excited to welcome to the show, Mason Klaj. Thank you for having me here, Mr. Halkerman. Mason, yeah. First of all, what, What a reception, an incredible ovation for you.

Yeah, that's really nice. Thanks, everybody. I was surprised when you walked out here because I was told by my producer that you're an essayist. Yeah, I wrote an essay. I won a prize. And you are obviously a young boy? Yeah, I'm 10. Wonderful. Thank you. Well, that's exciting. You won a prize. Are you from Denver here?

Yeah, I was born and raised in Denver. Essentially, I've lived here all my life. Although you really only have been half-raised at this point. What? I imagine you've been sentient, you know, developing thoughts for about, you know, eight years at this point. You have another eight to go.

You've been half-raised until you're a man. Unless, of course, you're of the faith of Judaism, in which case you would perhaps be a man. Oh, could you talk to me like I'm a kid? I didn't understand any of that. Essentially, I... So, essentially, I'm 10 years old, and so all 10 years I've lived in Denver.

Wonderful. Welcome to the show. Great to have you. Thank you. You say you wrote an essay. Yeah. It's a two-step process. wrote an essay won a prize? You also have to submit the essay.

Okay. Anyone can write an essay and have it lie around their house. But if you want to win, you got to send it in. Is that like a rhyming slogan the contest has? It's the what I like about Denver contest. They do it every year. What I like about Denver? Yeah, my favorite...

So I did my favorite place. So, essentially, every year, they do this contest where kids, 10-year-old, if you're 10, then you can write an essay, and you say a thing that you like about Denver, and then essentially they look at all of them, and then somebody wins it. And it's three people, essentially, first, second, and third place. You have to be 10 years old. Do you have to be 10 years old on the dot? Like, do you have to write it on your birthday?

I don't think so So there are no There's no age ranges This is just purely for 10 year olds Once you're 11, it's like minuto I don't know, I know you don't know what that is Is that a food? Is what?

Is that a food? To some I've had tostadas Did you like them? Yeah Oh great Was that a new experience for you? Essentially, it's like a sandwich

from Mexico. But it's not a taco. Your name's Mason. Mason. Mason. Mason Klaude. My middle name is Ignatius. Ignatius?

Yeah. Is that based... Why did your parents name you Ignatius? I don't know. They never told me. You could ask them, you know. I guess I could. He's out.

Bye. Will we be switching the security every five minutes. I like it. It lets them not get too drowsy. You gotta stay vigilant. So your parents are still with us. Yeah, I live with them.

And they, you know, they're nice about, they're good about my writing, and they always encourage it. And so they said, Mason, you should enter the contest. And essentially, I did. And then, and then, and then, and then I won.

That's wonderful. Congratulations. Yeah. Thank you. And so when you win, you get what you get, you get, so essentially you get. The prize, is that what we're talking about? Yeah. You get a bunch of things.

You get, you get a $100 savings bond. Wow. Yeah. And when does that mature? What? Well, if you were to cash it in, how much would it be worth right now? Oh, I can't cash it in until I'm 21 years old. Whoa.

And then you get $100? Yeah. Can you imagine? Then you also get, you get a six-pack of real Coca-Cola. Are there fake Coca-Cola's out there that I don't know about? I mean like the actual, not the store brand, but the real one. What? Okay, essentially, when you go to a store, they have a soda.

that looks like Coca-Cola, but it's not really Coca-Cola, but they make it look like it. Okay, I see. So like a generic brand or cola brand, a cheaper brand? Essentially, yeah. Is that what your parents always buy? Sometimes. And then the last thing you get is

you get a full scholarship to the college of your choice. Of your choice! Yeah. You go anywhere you want. Do you have to choose now, or can you choose when you're about to go to college? I have 48 hours to choose. The clock is ticking, my man.

I know. What are you interested in? Essentially, I thought that I could go to Harvard. Or I could go, or I could go, or I could go to a school to learn how to be a stuntman. So if you choose Harvard, is Harvard obligated to take you? Yeah. choose Harvard Do you want to hear my essay

I brought it with me? Yeah, oh, I would love to hear your essay. Yeah. Thanks, everybody. This is an essay about you were telling us what you love about Denver. Yeah, essentially every year you have to write an essay when you're 10,

essentially every year when they have 10-year-olds write essay about their favorite thing in Denver and so mine is my favorite place. Your favorite place. By Mason Klaugge. Mason, I, Klaugge. Presents? Wait, you're presenting this essay?

Like Fast and the Furious presented Hobbs v. Shaw? Wait, was it Hobbs versus Shaw? A lot of it, honestly, it felt like it. They were friends. They had a begrudging mutual respect, but they, honestly, they were so mean to each other. Yeah. You saw that? Yeah.

I've seen everything in the Fast and Furious Universe. Even that short film that Vind Diesel directed? Yeah. Where he's playing around in the surf? My favorite place in Denver. by Mason and I Klaude each 10 winner

my favorite my favorite place is the Denver airport planes fly in and out of it every day and they are always full of people from every place you could imagine it makes me proud to be from Denver that so many people want to come here and the people that leave here are probably sad they have to go there are many interesting

things in the Denver airport There is a big blue horse with glowing red eyes And it is over 30 feet tall Part of it killed the man who made it But they put it up anyway because it was already paid for There are a lot of art works in the Denver airport Some people find them scary but some people find them nice I like the tunnels under the airport the best

Because that's where I live with my dad He is a lizard that walks on two legs And speaks English Every Saturday we play can for. At night, my dad and I leave the tunnels and walk around the airport together in the system of above-ground catacombs behind the walls. We look at people's sleep, and sometimes my dad trains a special light on them to make them pliant and obedient. My dad says we don't need to make everybody obedient just enough. Someday I want to build a cowboy statue who will ride the big

blue horse, and he will look like a lizard with a cowboy hat and a lariat. If you ever have to fly anywhere, I recommend the Denver airport. The end. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, Mason. Big glaring detail. The horse statue is outside the airport. But the airport has it. It possesses it. Yeah. I said the airport has it. I didn't say it was inside. Okay. Other than that, though. No, I obviously, obviously there's one thing that's sticking out to me. What? Your father, the lizard man, you were saying?

Or he's purely a lizard? No, he's a lizard man. He's a lizard man. Yeah. A lizard with the qualities and properties of a man? Essentially, he looks like a man who is a lizard. He looks like a man who is a lizard, but what is he? A lizard man.

So he looks like a lizard who's a man, and he is a lizard who's a man. who's a man. Yeah, so essentially, first he looks like a lizard who is a man, and then second, he is a lizard man. Okay. No. First, he is a lizard man. Secondly, he is a lizard who looks like a man,

but like a lizard. Like his face is like a lizard. But he walks erect? Huh? He walks on two legs. Walks on two legs, not on four. That's right. To walk on four would break the law.

What do you mean? This is the island of Dr. Moreau, of course, that I'm referencing. But are you a lizard? No, I'm a boy. Meaning you're young, but you're a human? Yeah. My dad says, I know that I don't look like my dad. He says that he found me in somebody's house.

I was all by myself in a crib. He felt bad for me, so he took me to his home. We'll get to that in a sec. So your father, what's his name? Dad. Of course. Your father is a sentient... I don't know what that means.

He has the brain of a human. Yeah, I guess. He's able to communicate. Yeah. He has feelings. He has hopes. He has dreams. I guess.

Lizard creature. From Earth? I don't know. I don't think so, because he talks sometimes. Essentially, sometimes my dad talks about going home again, and I say where? And he goes far, far away. And I say, show me on the map.

And he goes, it's not on the map. And I say, show me on the globe. And he says, try again, sport. So perhaps from a parallel earth or dimension, wherein lizards rule and are at the top of the animal kingdom. Does that sound safe to say? What do you mean safe? Like, are we going to get in trouble if we say it?

No, you're safe here. This is a safe space. I am glad you shared this with me. It's a unique tale. But I am concerned because some of the details in there are that you were communicating to us, where that your father is trying to make human beings docile and pliant. Some of them, yeah. And what does he do with those? I don't know. They go away. They go where they're going, and then he says, the time's not right yet.

And I say, the time for what? And he goes, boy, oh, boy, you'll see. He did promise me that I will rule the humans. He'll set me up as their king. So I might not even go to college. My dad really wants me to go, though. Here are the two scenarios I'm concerned about. one is that he's making these humans docile in pliance

so that he can lead them to their deaths well he never said okay but he doesn't say dossal he says obedient obedient yeah so obeying his commands to you know walk off a cliff or something like that basically he's here to depopulate the earth I mean maybe that's one scenario

I don't yeah scenario two is he's enslaving these humans and taking them to his dimension. And he's at some point going to have enough of us, and then we're maybe going to be in a battle with, you know, the lizard's arch enemies or something like that. Has he mentioned anything like that? I mean, mostly, when he says that, essentially when he says that you need just enough, he means that the obedient humans will take care of the non-obedient humans.

I think that's nice. This sounds like he's trying to take over this earth then. He's trying to subjugate a certain amount of humans, the majority of the population, who will then herd us like cattle into slavery pens. Let's subjugate. Do you know what slaves are? Tell me all about it. I think it's one of those things in the fifth element where

when she saw that montage of everything that happened in history and she got to Hitler and slaves, it made her cry, you know? What if I didn't see that? Oh, you gotta see it. Really? Yeah, oh yeah. Chris Tucker? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

I do. Thank you for asking, Mason. I've seen, essentially I've seen all the Rush Hour films as well. Are you... Okay, you're still number three. Okay. It's lost some movement. I thought there was another swap. Are you in the middle of a double shift right now?

Ten minutes instead of five? Some strange employment practices going on. I'm not quite sure. This is the weirdest thing I can think of right now. So he's trying to take over the earth with lizard people. Are you the only, or is your father the only lizard person that you know of? No, there's tons down there. In the tunnels.

In the tunnels. Yeah. Are these tunnels that he has dug, he and the rest of his ilk? Nobody knows. They've always been there. They always have, and they always will. Okay. Well, that's very unsettling.

Why? Well, I, you know, I want to live the life that I've chosen to live. But nobody gets to do that. Really? How do you mean? Well, because, okay, essentially my dad's... says that life is complicated and that you may have some plans of what you're going to do, but it might not turn out that way. So essentially what your life is is what life allowed you to do.

Sure. But for instance, this is getting back to you in the crib. I understand that you were probably alone in the crib. I was all alone in there. But this dark room, just a little baby in a crib. Nobody around in the room at all. But your parents were... Your parents were probably sleeping in the next room over. No, my dad is a lizard man. We play K'K-4 every Saturday. Why so long in between games?

My dad says so we can look forward to it. How good are you? I win 75% of the time. That's pretty good for a little boy. Yeah, pretty good. Connect 4. Yeah? What's your strategy? Diagonally. Smart. You got to be sneaky. Pretty sneaky. Sis. I am sis. Wasn't good to ask, but great. Do you, I guess, would you be happy if people like me and people like these fine people of Denver were to become slaves? I mean, my dad never said slaves. He just said things are going to be different and it's going to

make the world a better place. My dad's a real good guy. Why do you think he's such a good guy? All the other lizard people look up to him and say he's a great guy. Almost like they're king? Essentially, maybe. He just wants what's best for everybody. That's why I like him so much. It just seems to me like he wants what's best for the lizards, not what's best for the human beings. And you, you being a human... Can I ask you a question? Sure. How are things going right now? Honestly, I would take a lizard over what's going on right now. You'll like it. We have a lot of fun in the tunnels.

Do you really? Yeah. First of all, there's always the echo. It never gets old. Do you ever ask for more in the monitors? Sometimes it's fun. Yeah. Pretend I'm on a stage.

What else do you do? I mean, the Echo Connect 4 once a week. We ride scooters down there. Wow. The tunnels are really long. You can go and go and go. You know, you can do. all those things up here, other than the echo, I guess.

See? Also, we can monitor the world's governments. Have you installed some sort of surveillance? Me? I'm just a kid. Sure. Have the lizard people? Do they have some sort of network of surveillance out there?

Yeah. We can see in the offices of every world leader and every defense department. It's fun. It must be, is that why it's... One time I saw the president sneeze. Okay. Is that why it's an oval office, you know, because it's like harder to get a good angle

if there happen to be secret cameras in there? Do you know what I mean? I think that's a question for somebody else. What's your favorite thing to do? Tell me what your favorite thing to do is. You know, I like music and I like hanging out with friends. How'd you like to listen to music all day with your friends? It sounds great.

Yeah, what's the catch? You're, well, essentially, you will think that's what you're doing. Okay, so we're being lulled to some sort of dream state where we, our bodies are performing manual labor, I would imagine, while our minds we think that we're, or perhaps more like the Matrix, we're providing food and sustenance for these lizards. It's not like the Matrix. Okay, so, once I'm in school,

we did this experiment where we put some wires into a potato and it made a clock go so the humans would be the potato and the clock would be you know other machines a potato can't hang out with his friends and listen to music

well I mean maybe it'll be great it will be I promise I guess my only other question is why did you win this contest Do they not have the same concerns that I have? Well, essentially, the contest happened in the tunnels, and the judges were lizard people. Well, congratulations, Mason. This is like so amazing.

So nice to meet you. Thanks, everybody. Come back and keep us abreast of your progress. Sure. Yeah, Mason Klaude, everyone. Mason Klaude. Thanks, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Well, I'm excited. To be honest, my producer gave me the bait and switch with you here. I thought it was going to be, you know, like a fancy show, like a Pod Save America type show or something with a real essayist. I did write a real essay. It's true. It's a good point.

But I'm very excited about our next guest. Do you like music? We mentioned music earlier. What's your favorite song? Oh, I had a dream Joe by Nick Cave in the Bad Seeds. Lizard or no, I worry that your father is not giving you proper boundaries with all the media you consume. Well, that's great. Well, do you like 90s music?

Do you know, have you ever heard any of that? That's before I was alive, so, no. I don't know it so good. Yeah. Do you mean any music from all of the 90s? Sure, any song that? was released between the years 1990 and 1990 and 1999.

So excluding the 1890s and before? I'll allow it. So you do know some of that? No. Well, we have a genuine superstar here. Number one hits.

Numbers one hits. Not sure how to pluralize that, but number one hits. He segued then into country. music where he made a name for himself. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Hootie. Scott. Let him hear it. Darius Rucker himself.

No. No, you have set these people up for failure. I am not Darius Rucker. My name is Houdie McPherson, and I clean fish tanks for a living. I've been dealing with this for over 30 years. Who didn't get you this information? My producer back there, you're just a guy? I'm just a guy. My name is Hootie McPherson. I own a company, McPherson, Fish Tank Cleaning.

Do you have a fish tank? I don't even have a fish, let alone a tank. Get a fish tank, I'll clean it. Do you have a fish tank? Yeah. I'll clean it. Thanks. Wait, for free?

No, hell no. Then I'm not going to get a fish tank. There's no upside for me. There is upside for you having a clean fish tank. Yeah, that I have to pay for? Yes. So nothing in life is free. Nothing in life is free.

All right, all right, all right. I can't believe this. I can't believe you introduce me like that. You had all these people excited to see Darius Rucker, and that is not me. I'm sorry. Say sorry to these people. I admit it's confusing. I mean, the band's name is Hooty and the Blowfish, and then you find out there's no one named

Hooty. There's this guy, Darius Rucker, but... There is a guy named Hootie, and his name is me. and I could swear these guys came into my fish tank cleaning business one day in the early 90s and they were fascinated with me and I don't know what it was about but they just loved themselves to me where is your fish tank business where is it at sure is that what you asked I did ask that yes do you have enough time to respond now no I couldn't hear you the mic's not working my mic's not working it's working now oh it's working

Okay. Alpharetta, Georgia. Alpharetta, Georgia. And is that where who do you, the blowfish are from? I don't know. I don't know those guys. But one day... But I do think Darius Ruckers from South Carolina. Okay. So one day, though, the group comes in. One day this group comes in. I guess they're a group.

They're a bunch of guys walk in and say, ooh, nice fish tanks. I go, you guys have one? And they go, no. And then I said, well, if you get a fish tank, I'll clean it for you. They go, for free? I say, hell no. And they all walk out. But then they, as one was walking out, he goes, there's something about you. Next thing I know, my name is at the top of the charts.

And what am I doing? Cleaning the bottom of tanks. The irony. The irony. What if you clean the top of the fish tanks? I do that, too. Okay. Scott, I'm just saying.

You have to clean the tank. What are you talking about? Is your mic dipping out? It's on. It's just, you seem very upset about the dichotomy between there at the top of the charts and you're at the bottom of the tank. If you clean the top of the tank, then you'd both be at the top. That doesn't make sense. That's not what we're talking about, Scott.

Okay. Just trying to help. Look, so you recognize these guys? I recognized them when I saw their music video. I said, those were the guys that came into my shop. And I'm not in the video. Had a brief 20-second interaction with you, and you remembered them. One thing about old hooty, he never forget.

it's a face. That's my slogan in my commercials back in Alpharetta. How would that factor into your business? How would that factor into your business at all? Why would you ever, that's how you keep customers coming back. You never forget their faces. You don't remember any names, but you never forget their faces. As soon as they come in, you go, you've been here before.

Yes, I think the mic might be different out. I think it might be, but yeah. Could we get a different one? You want to switch it out? You want to go together? You stay here. No, we'll go together. We'll leave Mason out here.

Has anybody here ever been to the Denver airport? All right, Mason, we're back. We're back. So, it's actually not on. Now. He's back. Back. So, do you remember the fish faces?

Every single one of them. They all look the same. Can I tell you the truth? Yeah. I hate fish. It's one of the reasons I don't have a tank. I had a goldfish when I was young, and it was such a pain in the ass. Wow.

Is it because I'm holding the bottom of it, blocking the signal? I don't know. Oh, wait. It's happened to me, too, didn't it? Uh-oh. Do you want this one? It might be the... It's happening.

The Denver airport. Is your father coming here tonight? I mean, he's going to pick me up later. might be just the monitors. I don't know. They might be hearing us. Maybe so. You know.

They can hear us. I love to hear that. Let me look at all these faces so I can remember them forever. So why do you hate fish so much? They stink? Yeah. They smell like they have this fishy smell.

They smell like fish. Can you believe it? And they shit everywhere. That's the thing. They shit in their own houses. They shit in their own houses. Although I guess we do too. I don't.

I still use an outhouse. I wouldn't dare desecrate my home that way. I mean, you paid a lot of money for that. And then suddenly, like, we're shitting in them? Exactly. Do that outside, like a normal human. But then house is in the name. Huh?

House is in the name Outhouse. Oh, yes. It's a different type of house. You're still doing it in a house. That's spelled H-A-U-S with an umlau. House is in the name of House as well, M.D. Can I ask you a question, who do you?

Please. Who's the dirtiest fish? The dirtiest fish? I'm so glad you asked. The shark. The hammerhead shark. A real asshole. Do you carry a lot of hammerhead sharks in your store?

People have hammerhead sharks, and they need their tanks cleaned. How do you do that then? Because obviously, you don't want to get bitten by one, Are you, like, dodging him all the time? I wish the shark would bite me. I wish the shark would try to bite me. I'll bite that motherfucker back, right on his back. Where the fin is?

Where the fin is? I bite his fin off. Anyways, Sky, are you going to let me do my poetry or what? Sure thing, Hootie. You only had to ask. Let's hear a little of the poetic stylings of Hootie McPherson. Is that right? The water is warm. The tank is cold.

Where will I be tomorrow? Who knows? Zike? I know. Finn. And that is fin like the one that I bit off the back of the shark. So now you have bit a fin off the back of a shark? I would.

In my mind, I have. Okay. All the time. So what was that about? Your emotions, perhaps? Yeah, that was about emotions. Yeah. That was about, let's break it down.

It recited again. Okay. The water is warm. The tank is cold. Wait, I'm going to do a rewrite in my head because I realize I don't like a certain part. Was it the part that cold didn't rhyme with anything? It doesn't have to rhyme.

It's poetry. Okay, all right, all right. See, this is the problem. I tried forever to do poetry in my hometown of Alpharetta, Georgia. And everybody was like, sing that song. And I go, I don't sing. That's not me.

But honestly, I would learn the song because situations like this are going to come up where, you know, a hapless host of a talk show invites someone they think is famous to be on it. Why don't you just sing the song? No one really... Think it's famous. I have a ton of local commercials in Alpharetta.

I never forget a face. Everybody knows this about me. Sure, but, I mean, maybe you could sing a little bit of the song for us. I mean, they wouldn't mind. It's you're not the real guy, you know? Let me think. No. Well, thanks for thinking about it, too.

I thought about it. I appreciate it. I took a long, deep, think about it. Anyway, do the rewrite of your poem. Okay. The water is cold. The tank is warm. Where will I be tomorrow?

I don't know. Psych. That was my favorite part. Yeah. The psych part. The psych, yeah. Psych you out. Yeah.

Because you're an unreliable narrator. What? What do you mean by that? That sounds insulting. You want to fight? Don't buy my fin off, hooty. I will bite your fin off, Scott Ockerman. Anyway, psych.

I do know. Finn. So that's about... Emotions. That's about emotions, Scott. Where are you going to be emotional guy? Right, yeah. I live in my emotions.

What are the emotions you access most frequently? The emotions I access most frequently. The emotions I access most frequently are sadness. That's a common one. That's a common one. Constantly sad because they're using my name and they're not paying me for it. Yeah. Do you find people come into the store and they think it's going to be the hoody and...

Well, they think it's going to be McPherson. But then when I say, hey, my name is Hootie, they go, wait a minute. And I go, don't even do it. Don't even start it. Don't even do it. And they still do it. They still do it. Do what?

Ask you to sing the song? And you don't want to sing the song? Not even like a little bit. Ha! That's all you're going to get. It's pretty good. Thanks. I'll sing another song.

Oh, okay. Name it. Any song? Any song? Um, what's your favorite song, Mason? I had a dream Joe by Nick Cave in the Bad Seeds. I forgot. Say that one for me one more time.

I had a dream joke by Nick Cave in the Bad Seeds. You know, I don't think I know that one. I might not know that one. What about a song like Wop, for instance? Wap. Sure. Wap. singular sensation Every little step she takes

Bhab da b'ababab wop The wet ass pussy Thank you I mean you have a nice voice I would say if you were to maybe Learn some of the hooty and the blowfress songs Life would be a little easier for you Life is hard

Scott Do you What? What did you just yell at me? And now they won't say it again, see? Yeah. Coward. Cowardous.

Cowardous. Say it's none or a thousand times. Nothing in between. Oh, dear. All right. Opt for none. Scott, I'm so happy to be here with you. Are you?

You are one of the only people who really stood in my corner when I was going through all of my tribunals. I just met you. Was this on stage? Yes. Yes. Right now on stage, you were the one of the only people that really stayed in my corner.

I'm happy to do that. This lady's yelling at me. I know. I'm happy to do it, Hootie. It's great to have you on the show. Please, call me Hootie. I think I did, but... But it's great to have you on the show.

I'm a little disappointed, obviously. Well... Why, Scott? As Hooties go. Am I not tall enough? You're plenty tall. Okay. But as hoodies go, you're a distant second to the titular hooty.

I am the titular hooty. I am the tits hooty, okay? He got that from me. That's not even his name. What did he look like when he was in the store? Did he steal your whole look, too? He looked exactly like me. With the baseball hat.

A go tee, walking around with a guitar, just like I do. You do? Yes. We haven't talked about that. I walk around my store doing poetry and strumming a guitar, singing other songs that are not his. Shouldn't you be cleaning the fish tanks? Scott.

Are you going to let me run my business the way I want to run it? Okay? I would. The lizard people might take umbrage, but... Are you kidding me? They love tanks. You heard that, didn't you? I did.

I did hear it. So, yeah, I'm a little disappointed, but I, but... Wow. Okay, now, did it cut out for you then? Okay, we have an issue. We have an audio issue, ladies and gentlemen. Tell me about it. I think it is the transmitter on the bottom of the mic.

Okay, we all need to stop touching these transmitters. Well, not all of us. Just the people who are doing it. I'll hold the mic like this. Just hold it like this, just gently. And if you need to... If you need to pull it away or move it close, We're in Colorado, man.

Any more question, Scott? What did he steal from you? It sounds like he looked exactly like you. He carried a guitar. He stole the tone of my singing voice. I heard you sing. I sound just like him. I don't think you do, honestly.

And the only way to tell is if you were to sing one of his big songs, the people want to hear. Scott, I'll say to these people what I say to every person who comes in my business without a fish take. Fuck you. Pretty fun way to hold it, right?

It's fun. Gonna get a cramp. Hope everybody's drinking. The altitude is up there. Yeah. So... Pretty live today. Pretty hot day.

Will you sing a different song then in the cadence of your own cadence, which hoody stole from you? Name a song, Scott. I said Scott Let's see How about Alanis Morset's I had a dream joke

I did cave with the pansy I've got this Mason I've got this I'm gonna have to Google those lyrics You ought to know by Alanis Morset Why you keep asking me to sing songs That I don't know

You don't know that? I know I kind of know it She goes to a theater And she like sucks his dick It's mainly what it's about I bet you know the chorus. And I'm here to remind me. Is it?

Are you saying Job, like, from the Bible? No, Joe. Joe like Job Biden? Everything is going according to plan. Is he one of the obedient humans or one of the lizard people? Your mic is cutting out again? I don't think so. Scott, I just want to say,

Thank you for having me. You have been the one person who stood in my corner all this time. I'm happy to do it. We barely know each other. I don't know that we're ever going to meet again. What? Not a knock, not a slam. I'll be back forever.

All right, hooty, everyone. Hootie! They saying hoot? Yeah. All right, well... That's the best thing to come out of this. Well, Mason, you're a Colorado native. and half-raised here.

And you are not from here. I'm from Alpharetta, Georgia, but I've been all over Colorado. Really? Why? Fort Collins. Grand Junction. Alamosa. Durango. Gunnison.

Okay. I believe you. I've been to all those places. Colorado College of Mines. A lot of fish in these areas. Yeah, I was on the fish tank cleaning team in college. Then you win pro. I went pro.

And then my identity was stolen. Yes, we don't need to get back in your own. Do you want to hear the whole thing again? Who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, okay, we've reset. Well, I was going to say, Mason, you're from here. And it's always a pleasure to have a local person on the show, someone who is from the area, just a person of interest, and we have one here tonight.

She is... She worked at David's Bridal for a bit. Please welcome Kayla Dickie. Yeah, Mason, you can't sit there. Where do I go? My dad's not going to be here for a while. We'll have to stand. You can sit, Mr. Hooty.

You're my elder. Why do we move this over here? and you can, uh, why don't I sit next to you, Mr. Rockerman? You want to sit next to me? Yeah. No. Come sit by me, little boy. Oh my God, this is so hot.

Hello, ma'am. Hello. God, it is so good to be here, Scott. So great to see you, Kayla. I love my home state of Colorado. It is so good to be back in town. That's right. You're from here.

Yeah. And for those of you who don't know Kayla personally or haven't heard her on the show, just run through a brief recap of your details. Okay. Gosh, where to begin? I love guys with a big, bang, bag, truck and a small dick. Those are the two criteria. They are the two criteria.

they go hand in hand. Has there ever been a man who's bought a big, big truck who's had like a medium-sized penis or a large one? This is such a good question that you ask me every time. And no,

that's never been the case. It's always that if you have a bad man, man, man, a truck, you have a small debt. Can I, Can I ask, and this is a new wrinkle on this question,

it's a given they all have tiny penises? Yeah. Are there different sizes in the tiny penises so that like, oh wow, for a tiny penis, he's got a really big one. You know? Nice. I took a question, Scott. Guy, you're on fire tonight.

I would say that, you know how I like the same. size of the dick to be the size of a dice, one dice. One dice, yeah, a die. And no, dice. And you know how when you play different games, there's different sizes of dices. Sure, there's 20-sided dice sometimes. Sometimes. So that's kind of what dicks can be like for me.

But I would say most of them are the size of the normal dice. And that's what you like. One dice, yeah. I love it. It's so hot and cool and hot. And then your other details, that's primarily what you're known for, but your other details, you worked at David's Bridal. Yeah. So I am from Montrose, Colorado.

Give it up. We love it there. We love it. And basically, I used to work for the mayor of Montrose, Judd Weeby, who was this really awesome, cool guy. all me and my girls worked as his assistant and then he burned the house down or burn the town down, excuse me. Burn the whole town down. All the houses. All the houses.

Down with because he left multiple curling irons on in the town. Then he fled into the woods and lived as a bear for 10 years. And me and my girls would go up to Judd Beebe Trail aptly named and we would yell for Judd. And then Judd wouldn't come. And then one day I saw him eating out of a trash. And I said, Jud, and there it was. That was him. And we got back together.

And then I lived on a compound with me and my girls in Jud. And then I fled the compound for a bit because I heard about a new truck that was rumored to be rumored to be out on the Facebook message boards. And I have been kind of jumping around, but I always go back to Jud. But then I go back to the truck. And Judd, when he was a bear, he didn't own trucks, did he? No, but he always knew which trucks were going to be out next. He always had his finger or his paw on the pulse.

And then you were also on a reality show where you dated guys with trucks. Yeah, I've dated, I've been on Love is truck. I was on more recently, The Trucker, or the Truck. truckerette. And, but I fled. I actually fled those. You fled? Yeah, because Netflix will come after you.

Really? Yeah. It's standard Netflix stuff. They'll hunt you down. Wow. But I had to flee because this month, this month starting today, is no. Good guess, I guess, considering her details, which. You ran through really quickly, I appreciate.

You're welcome. I don't have a guess. This month is... No. Small Dick Month. Whoa. If you're with a man, you know has a small dick. Point him out.

There you are. The guy who's pointing has the small dick. Wow. Proud. Give it up for my small dick king. Looking good tonight, you king. Wow. God, I love small dick month.

That's why I'm so happy to be up here with you, Scott. Scott, how do you celebrate privately? You don't need to forcibly out me to all these people. Stand up, King. Scott, if I had known, I would have brought you a fish tank. For what? As a gift. Oh.

To celebrate you. Would you clean it for free? For this one month, I would clean it for free. But wait, are we in August yet? Or is it? No, it starts today. September. I mean, what is it?

It's July. So it's not a, it's not a calendar month. No, it starts today. It starts today and ends on the whatever date it is. July 20, something. 24. And then ends August, whatever today is. August 24th.

24. Okay. I am so excited to be in the land of Small Dix, Colorado. You got cool. What happens in Small Dick Month? What are the festivities that occur? I'm so glad that you ask that. Oh, my God, where to begin?

We begin by surrounding the smallest stick in all of America. Do you know who that is? Yeah. Do Rogan. Fellow podcaster, I don't like to hear that kind of talk. Scott, come on. All podcasts... We protect our own.

All podcasts guys have small dicks. That's why I love podcasts, and I love coming on here. We all surround Joe Rogan and his tiny, small, tiny, itty-bitty, neen-me-n-n-n-n-nie-n-n-n-ditty. He shows up willingly to this? He loves Small Dick Month. He is screaming and crying and throwing up. And we surround him and we dance. and we drive our trucks around him, we run him over,

and he says, I'm going to come. This happens every year? Every year. See, everyone in the audience is like, yeah, we know. Small Dick, come on. Lauren Bobert teaches a blowjob workshop. Did Beetlejuice happen in this theater? Probably, yeah.

Probably. I estimate she was sitting right, Right around there. That's so fun. It's so great. I love Small Dick Month. What else do we do? Well, what's really cool is we travel to,

we travel kind of all over Colorado. So we go to the Tell Your Ride Film Festival because there's so many small dicks there when the L.A. people come to town. When all those movie producers come, we go to the hot springs in your ray you guys know it and basically we

drink all that water up all that hot springs water up and and then we shoot it through they shoot it through their dicks at us they peeved yeah but it's so much water that it just shoots out and it's like a it's like a

a really fast, like, um, squirt gun. And we're just like, oh, that one's super fun. So if you shoot, like if you drink something, if you shoot it out through your dick fast enough, it doesn't turn into pee? Oh my God, it's got such a good question. You blow me away.

Yeah, the faster you drink something, the faster it comes shooting out of that little thing. that's how a fish go this is hooty he's a fish tank cleaner by the way howdy howdy you have a big dick why yes I do thanks for telling

and you do too little boy I can tell I'm in the 90th percentile good for you king what else do we do for small dick month oh this is really fun we go to this one restaurant

in Durango, Colorado. I've been there. Fort Lewis College. And basically, the guys just order for us. And they say, like, shut up, no. Because you'll be like, I want a cheeseburger, they'll be like, no, you're going to get plain salmon. And water.

It's so hot and awesome. And I'll be like, I'll have a margaritas. They'll be like, no, skinny. That one's super fun. What else do we do? Yeah. Well, there's just like, it's just like the time to celebrate small dicks. Yeah.

Which like, we don't do enough in this country. It's actually one of my platforms. Are you running for office? In my town, yeah. You are? Yeah. So because Mayor Judweeby, he's no longer mayor. No.

Is the position open at this point? Basically, so I didn't tell you this like, blah, blah. I understood. Basically, you didn't tell me this. I didn't tell you this yet. Yeah. But me and Jed are back together. Congratulations.

So it didn't work out with the trucker. You didn't become the truckerette. No. No. And then Judd called me and he said, I have the Ford Rock Hard 7.50 and a half. They're making half sizes now. They're making half sizes now.

Wow. And I was like, I dropped everything. Netflix was like going to shoot me in the head. I was like, I have to go. I found Judd and, God, this is such a big deal. I'm pregnant. Oh, my God. Congratulations.

Give it up. Wow. I'm having Irish dumplings. I guess I don't know that term. That is when you have four babies and then you take like a six months off. and have four more. How did you not know that, Scott? It's like typical Irish, yeah.

So they come four to an order. Yeah, exactly, four to an order, but when you get eight, it's like double the order. Right. And when they come within a year of each other, it's Irish. Okay. So you're having quadruplets. Yeah.

Give it up. That's... We're praying that they're going to be boys. I would love to have a bunch of little boys with Big Dix. Or small. I would love small preferably, but I would be happy to take care of some big dick little boys. Whatever I can do for the community. Is this technically legal to say on a microphone?

Well, we're not in Utah anymore. Had some issues there. Well, that's so exciting. When are you due? I am due tomorrow. Lily bursting. They're not going to come early, are they? Yeah, they are.

They're coming in a rush. It's a rush order. Rush order of dumplings. Yeah, Judd and I were just so excited that he just took his little teeny, itty, bitty, tiny, mini dick, and he shot a couple of babies in me, and we're going to do a big gender reveal, Scott.

Oh, so, okay, so you don't know the gender at this point? No, but I'm praying it's going to be boys, of course. Okay, when are you doing it? If it's girls, I think I'm going to kill them. Okay. When are you doing the gender reveal because you're having these tomorrow and you're here tonight? That's the thing. I'm doing it at Small Dick Month. Yeah? What have you, what do you have planned for the gender reveal?

Oh my God, such a good question. God, you're so hot. Basically, what's going to happen is I'm going to be standing in the middle of the Denver downtown on this street that we all know. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. I saw that street coming in. Yeah, obviously. The old main drag. We're all Denverites gather every day. Yeah, I think it starts with the C.

Cool facts. Yeah, see? It was just on the tip of my tongue. Basically, Judd is going to take his Ford, Rock Hard, 7.50 and a half. And he's going to charge at me with a huge rocket. and then he's going to shoot it directly at me, and I have to duck. And then whatever the rocket hits,

it's going to explode blue paint and jizz and stuff all over. Back up. What was the third thing you said? I didn't say a third thing. I said... Oh, blue paint was one. Okay. I said two things.

And then, I mean, all that... And it's probably going to burn. down Denver, which is like ideal in a way. Then we're going to know if I'm having boys, praise God, if I do. Because if I have girls, like I said, I'm going to drown them. Oh, if it burns down the city, please protect insomnia cookies. I'll sing if at the general village. I would love that.

Oh, my God. Do you have any songs about small dicks or written by guys with small dicks? I have a song about, how about this? Yo, pretty lady. around the world this woman's having for dumplings and I hope that they aren't girls It was so good

Because you said you'd kill them Right yeah To clarify you said hope they aren't girls Yes Aren't yes Did I not punctuate the tea Did I not cross the tea Scott

So what This reminds me of the Lauren Bobert workshop We're a sex positive podcast We don't like to shame people Who enjoy oral sex Of course Where's the feedback coming from?

We love Lauren Bobert. The feedback? Oh my God. It's probably Judd. Is Judd here tonight? Judd? We talked to him once, I think. No, I don't have my phone on me. He's not here. I have my phone. Oh, he do? Yeah.

He really wouldn't know that I was calling him tonight. Should we give it a go? Judd's just probably resting because it's such a big deal that I'm having all these kids for him. He really needs to rest up while I work. Okay. Dumbled. Is that you, baby? Judd, I just told them that we're having kids.

Yeah, babe, I'm having Irish dumplings. I'm having four babies, and then six months later, I'm having four more. I didn't know I dumped Irish dumplings inside you. Yeah, babe, you really did. With that teeny, teeny, teeny, we need it. After I did it, I couldn't even find it. Obviously, I'm here for small dick month, and we miss you. a month for guys like us.

I know you probably want to talk to another small dick guy, so I'm going to pass you to Scott. Hey, hey, Judd. Great to talk to you again. This is Scott Ackerman of Comedy Bangbag. My oldest friends. Anyway, I just wanted to say, happy small dick month to you. Cool, it's great to talk to you.

Congratulations on the news. I guess you're having a gender reveal very soon. Yeah, you're going to be driving your Ford 750 and a half down Colfax, and you're going to shoot a rocket. at Kayla here and she has to duck and then whatever it hits. If it's a boy it'll explode blue paint

and jizz. Explode. What else? The obvious, right? Oh, okay. I just, I didn't understand. Well, Judd, it's great to talk to you. We love talking to you and hopefully we didn't disturb you wherever you are right now. Because I don't talk much and when I use

this voice, it's really difficult for me. All right, Jed. Thanks. Great talking to you. Judd Weedy, everyone. I miss him so much. Just at home, right? His stick is so small. Yeah. Well, this is fantastic.

I, you know, I hope you don't have your babies here live on stage. That would be terrible. Oh, my God, I don't know. Feels like it's calm. Are you having contractions? Yeah. I ate a bunch of salmon backstage. I think it made them go turbo launch.

Okay, well, let us know if there's anything we can do. If I give birth on stage, Scott, you're going to have to shoot a rocket at me. I'll do what I can. I can't promise I'll do what Judd was going to do while he shot the rocket. If I had boys, do you tell you what I'm going to name him? No. Queef. Snart.

Dirt. Beautiful names. Do you know what that sound was? I would imagine the sound of a turd hitting the water in the toilet. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Kayla Dickie, everyone. Kayla Dickie!

Well, we have a very exciting guest here. He's been on the show before. He's a financial advisor. Get your while. It's out. Ladies and gentlemen, are you tired of not being financially secure? Are you...

Financial problems. Are you ready to be financially... All together. Tonight, put your hands together. This is fun, and this is all. Put your tongue in the... puddle and suck it up because we don't know when we're going to get a chance to do it next. How are you guys doing? Hello, Denver. Let's fucking rock. It's great to see you.

So that seat was reserved for you? No, this was to let everybody know tonight. I'm going to be a little bit reserved. Okay. Okay. So let's get right into it. Let's get right into it. Sure. Because today we have something exciting. I need you guys to take some of these envelopes and just pass them down. Not everybody's going to get an envelope, but let's get a couple. We bring the house lights up for Doug here. Grab what you can. Dude, yeah, yeah, come on.

Pass them around as you can. I've got to give some to the other side. I'm passing through the tent. Okay. No, that's all right. This side needs some too. Guys, do you ever wonder what it would be to wake up? in the morning and not feel like life was amazing.

Well, I'm going to teach you to win. We want to feel like life isn't amazing? But you have to admit. You have to admit, Scott, you have to admit. Do you need help? No, no, no, no. I'm not getting up yet. I want to explain what's happening with these influence.

But I will need help in a minute. I will need help in a minute. Now, what is money? What is money, Scott? Oh my God, I just crush somebody's foot. No, what is money? Money is wrong.

Okay. It's something you trade. It's a piece of paper. It's something we give value to. Right now, everybody who has an envelope, I want you to take something off your person and put it in that envelope. Now, listen, you can put anything

you want in that. If you don't have anything, pass it to somebody who does have something and put something in that envelope. Now you're not going to get it back. Don't put your phone in the envelope.

I've had that happen a lot. People put their phones in. Don't be funny. This is a serious issue. This man, where are you going? That's my small dick king. Where are you going? Where are you going? I was going to go urinate.

but also, I wanted to... Oh, wait, no, get that fuck out of here. Go pee out of that small dick. Listen. It won't take long. You can't start a sentence with, I was going to go urinate, but also. No.

Okay, so everybody, as soon... Raise your hand if you have an envelope that is filled with something. Wow, a lot of people. Okay. Okay. Now, very quickly, just throw them in the aisle and pass them down

and throw them in the aisle. Throw them into the aisle. Throw them into the aisle. It's great to see you. Okay, Doug. Okay. That's reminded me of Lauren Bobert's workshop. It's great to see you.

Hey, and very quickly, a shout out to our security. Jessica. Okay. It's all right. Jessica. Jessica. Give it up. Okay.

We got this. And nobody. Oh, my God. This is going to be horrible. If somebody wants to jump out and help collect these, it would be great. Maybe somebody on the other hedge collect those, and we'll just bring them up here. Now, money is funny, right? That's the old saying.

Money is funny. I don't remember that saying, no. Money is funny. Okay, and Jessica, who's that over there on that side? I'm worried that... Jessica doesn't know who she's working with. What's your name? What's your name?

Mickey. Is that what you said? Mickey. Mickey and Jessica. Vicky with the B. I'm going to read that. Okay. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Okay, we have all the envelopes, Doug. Okay, and if you could, thank you so much. And what's your name? I love to help men. My name is Kayla. Very happy small dick month. Thank you very much.

Doug, I'm worried you're out of breath so suddenly. I'll be honest. I did Orange Theory once seven years ago. And I have a loss. suit against them because it didn't work. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. We're going to look through these.

And Scott, this is a game between you and I. Okay? You're going to pick the most valuable thing, but once you pick it, you can't go back. And you're going to read what you're going to tell me what they are and I then... Of course I am. Okay. This is

two napkins. You pass on that? This is... I'm going to pass on it. Beer top... Beer can top. I'll pass on that. Okay. This. Is that a bean?

I don't know what this is, but I sort of want to try to eat it. No. No. Oh, it was minty. Was that a fisherman's friend? I don't know. That's an old cough grass.

Pass on that. That might be. I want to keep going. Okay. Here it is. Doug, meet me in room three. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

But that's, no, this is a receipt from W of S for $67 this might be worth taking $67? So I could... What's it for?

What's the receipt for? I could maybe go fake return something? Hold on. This is $2. Wow. This is tempting. Here's where it gets in. This is the thing, you guys.

This is where it gets interesting. Do you grab what's in front of you? Do you take the money? It smells good. These are crispy ones. Crispy ones. Do you take them? Or do you want to pass? I'm going to take them.

Thank you, Doug. Thank you, whoever put the $2 in the envelope. Is this like white elephant? Like, we each get one and we can steal? Yeah. You didn't tell me that. This is... Now we move down.

What is your name, young lady? Kayla. Oh, my God, you're expecting. I am. I'm huge. I'm bursting. These are two Sour Patch kids. Yeah, you're dang. Are they boys?

I'm gonna pass. They have pretty big tics. That's an empty one. That's a cheat. That's a cheat. Now, come on, guys. There's a lot of cheats in here. There's a dollar. That's ten.

I'm going to steal from Scott. You get the game. I get the game. Now, do you want to take the dollar, or do you want to keep going? Judging by the amount of empties that you've... I'm going to take the dollar. Oh.

Somebody wants the show to end. Okay. We'll make this fast. You don't have to. A notepad. Or a... The tiniest pantiliner?

Is that what that is? That's what that looks like to me. How did I think this was a notepad? This is what's cool about life, you guys. Because if you think about it, money is funny. Notepads are panty liners. Panny liners are money.

Right? So let's leave this behind. Let's go to the last stage of my process. Wait, this has been a process? I don't think you ever mentioned that. Oh, this is a process. This is a three-stage process. Oh.

Now, who wants to trade this small, I think, generic panty-liner for something they have on them? I need somebody close to me because I will not crawl. What would you like? You want to trade pants? Doug, you... For those of you who don't know, Doug Grope's has a habit. I have a hard time saying no to pants.

So I want to make it clear. One small panty liner and my pants for your shorts. What size are you, sir? What size are you? If your size Todd, I can't handle that. Hey, welcome. Security. Are you ready for this?

All right. Melissa. You take that and we'll just do a quick little change of pants here. Doug, you're trading pants with another audience member? No. Technically, I'm trading pants for shorts. Okay. You're taking him down right here.

And he is, let me, notice he's keeping his belt. You didn't include the belt in that deal, Doug. All right, the pants. Ah, ah, ah, don't put him on too soon. Show those small dicks. Doug is now wearing the shorts and Todd. I believe... Thank you very much.

Now, what's... Has put on the pants. Do the pants fit, sir? The pants fits. Do the shorts fit, Doug. Now, I mean, you tell me... Listen, I know this has been a lot. It's been a lot, but we have to keep a positive attitude.

Are you okay? Yeah. I'm not sure that was legal to show you. But my point here today is everything is worth something. right? And we give it its worth. Now, I have all this, and I know a lot of these are stacked with

$1 bills, $2 bills. What I give you my word, I will take those home. Thank you? What a day. That's the end. What a day. What a day is your dismal?

What a day. What a day. Would anybody else like to open one? Yeah, I want to keep playing white elephant. Do you want to open one? Yeah. What is this? I don't know.

I have no idea what these are. Somebody licked this one shut. Not very many people lick them shut, but this person did. Took the time. This is a business card. Oh, for what? Stevie C. Bowen. Is that person here?

You're bragging about being part of Bowen. I got a dollar. That's Mason. Do you want to trade it for my dollar? No. I do want to say. I want to steal the $2. No, Mason, we stop playing that game.

Okay, little boy. Before I leave, this is a serious part. I know we've had a lot of fun and we've made some jokes. We've done some bits and we've smiled. We've chortled even. We all chortled once in a while. But I want, here's another dollar. Whoa, we're like going to be rich.

I think this is the first show we might profit. How much were your pants? Be honest. Do you really want to know? I do. They were $40. They were $40. And I know a lot of, some people out there are going to say, oh, $40, that's not that much.

And some people are going to say, $40, that's a fair amount. Raise your hands right now. if $40 could make a difference in your life. A lot of people. And you came to this? Yeah. Irresponsible. So.

I want to know how much the shorts are worth. Hey King. Todd? Yeah. About 40. Wow. And that's exactly what I'm talking about. Usually you get what you give.

What you give, you get. You get. Who has, who in here has a, size 11 and a half shoe. Anyone? Do you? Do you want to trade shoes? Do you want to take a look at his before you...

What kind of shoes are those? Oh, Doug. Do you want to... These are... These were on sale, but they're Jordans. And you have DG... Okay, we're doing it. Come on. You're giving away your Jordans?

Listen, I'm not giving away my... Those are not your size. Those are not... I'm not giving away my Jordans. What I'm doing... He said they have to be unlaced. I'd be lying to you if I didn't think in my head, what I'm going to do with these is I'm going to take them to another place

and I'm going to trade these. And I'm going to prove to you that giving is just another way of giving it to a person. These shoes will live somewhere else. Where are you from, sir? Boulder, Colorado. I've been there. Okay. Go Buffalo.

Well, these are going to live somewhere else. So let's, if you could, and this is a thing. This is the thing. We've been told you have to unlace those. I know this has felt like a journey that maybe to one or two of you has not made sense. And I want to say, what I'm going to do is take these, and by the way, feel a little bit more like an 11

than 11 and a half. Now that I got them on. But that's okay. That's okay because sometimes being uncomfortable is what we have to do in life, right? So where I go next, I am going to trade these for another pair of shoes. And when I get those pair of shoes, I'll go somewhere else and I'll trade them because these are money. Money is money. Envelopes are money.

All the things you gave me tonight are money. And someday, someday close, probably within the next couple of days, I'm going to come back and I'll get my shoes back from you. Just Scott, this has been a night. Hey, let's hear some MAMBO number five, bitches. Is this Mabo number five? We can't really hear it up here, but... No, Momba. Well, from where I'm from, Mamo number five is Code for Thunderstorm.

Did you hear that? Hey, you know what? And let's get going to the last part. of what I have to do. Oh, you're not done. Oh, okay. No. Get us with the last part, Doug.

No, this is the last one. Finish strong. Finish strong. That envelope right there? Looks really full. At the bottom, it was really full. It was a fat envelope. Open that shit up.

Oh, these will all be open. Eventually. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Is that nicotine gum? It feels empty. Did somebody give me an empty? Okay. No.

Let's not... I know there's going to be something. Let's end on a good one. Scott, what do you say? Every day before I go to bed, and this is true story. Every day before I go to bed, I make myself a cup of coffee.

Right before I go to bed. And I sit down, and I call my mother, and she's always like, why calling? And I say, I'm trying to take a night. And she's like, I... Okay. And I say to... her and I look at her and I say thank you

for being a great mom and she says thank you now here's the thing this is a gummy we are in the mile high city

I am not good at these I'm just going to be straight up honest but what I'd like to do is give it to somebody but I'm not allowed to legally do that. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to put it right here on this envelope. And I'm going to ask, does anybody want to come up and shake hands?

Running to the front. Hey, it's very nice to meet you. Straight down the trap. No hesitation. None. You are going to sleep like a little baby tiger tonight. Do you want the clear eyes that go with it? That's good. I'm actually, these are I'm going to keep that. I'm going to keep the clear eyes. That'll take away from some of my pants budget.

And I'm going to do one more. I'll do one more. Scott, they always say, stop before you want to do one more. And you know what I say to that? What's that? Oh, trade credit at GameStop. $32. Whoa.

Who gave me this? this. Come on, small dick, who gave me this? Somebody gave me this. Who gave me this? For real. There he is, right back there.

Where? In the center, center row. Oh, no. Far right. Now we're two people trying to claim it. Oh.

You little liars. Sir, what size pants are you? What size? 36. Okay, I'll be right over. Come on. Come on, guys. Getting some encouragement.

This is a, America. We got to bring each other together. The only way we're going to bring each other together is by trading pants. Where are you going, little soldier? Okay, who, who, who is it? Okay, we'll do it from here. We'll do it from here. But I'm going to give you, I'm going to put your $32 back in the pocket of these shorts, and then we're going to trade pants. Scott, this is what, I'll be honest with you, Scott. This is what America's about. Yeah.

Because tonight a lot of people came here and they thought, oh, we'll see some funny bits. Would you mind passing these down? Yeah. You, sir, in the fourth row who has never heard this show before. You, sir, is this about what you expected?

That's great. This is wonderful. And I'll be honest, I think I got an upgrade. These are good. These are, oh, these are page, my man. I owe you a Venmo. Whoa, that's expensive. Whoa.

Incredible. Get up and let's get up here and let's see you in these pants, my man. Oh, God. That guy has some regrets about giving me these. These feel nice. And by the way, Scott, isn't this a lesson? Isn't this a lesson? Because just moments ago, I was sitting in some shorts.

and then all of a sudden life changes. Excuse me, can you hold this while I button these? Life changes. And here I am. Do you mind? I can't see. What is he holding? And now, here I am.

Thank you. Thank you. Wonderful, Doug. Let's see these pants. Whoa. Looking good. And this is what life is. Right?

Yeah. Do you want to trade those for the dollar? I will trade those right now for the dollar, but I need somebody to give a pair of pants for these. If you want to trade pants in the dollar... It's not going to happen, Doug. But that's fine, too. Sometimes you reach a roadblock,

and that's okay. You're going to do it many times in life. Well, I'll see you guys later. No, Doug. You're our last guest. Oh. Wait, I want to know how much the king back there paid for his page jeans.

How much were these page jeans? They weren't under $100. 180. And you gave them up like that? The fuck you, bro. It's so funny to think... If we get one more dollar... I'm sorry.

It's so funny to think that in a few months you'll all be wearing the exact same clothes. And that's our show, everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, and Ryan Gall, Lily Sullivan, Mr. Paul F. Tomkin. We love you so much.