Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2024 Tour, St. Louis (Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Connor Ratliff, Carl Tart, Will Hines)

Episode Date: July 2, 2026

This Bonus Bang is live from St. Louis! Scott welcomes to the stage Monsignor Damien Fearnley, Bicky, Morris The Missouri Mule, The Pine-Sol Lady, and The Bronze Boogie Boarder! Special thanks to the Pageant Theater! Originally recorded June 20, 2024. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of comedy bang bang, bang out from behind the paywall. And we are in the middle of this series. I don't know if we're in the middle or at the end, close to the end, I'm not sure, but the series is called Globetrot with Scott, where we are featuring some of our favorite live shows from past tours. Now, this is all, of course, celebrating the fact that we're on the road now with our 2026 ground beefing tour. Paul F. Tompkins, myself, and the CBB All-Stars coming to a city near you.

If you're in the UK and Ireland, we are also going to be there with Andy Daly. He's going to be with us. This is going to be a really fun tour, and we're about halfway through at this point. So we decided to showcase some of the great episodes from previous tours. Now, this episode is called 2024 tour, St. Louis. It was recorded at the Pageant Theater on June 20th, 2024. The Pageant Theater, we were just there. a few weeks back, a wonderful venue. And this was the eighth show of our 2024 tour,

and it has the guests. Let's run them down. Paul Fomkins as Monsignor Damien Fiernernal. Furnal? Lily Sullivan as Bickey. Connor Ratliff as Morris, the Missouri, Mule, Carl Tart as the Pinesol Lady, and Will Hines as the bronze boogie-boarder.

It's, uh, this is, I remember this episode being a lot of fun. I remember Will Hines taking a huge tumble when he came out and Connor happened to be in town and so he jumped on the show. This was a really fun one. And we are still on tour, so don't miss your chance to catch me

along with Paul F. Tompkins and the CBB All-Stars as we come to a city near you. You can check out all of the dates and buy tickets at CBBWorld.com slash tour. Now, if you enjoyed this episode and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as shows like CBB Presents, Scott hasn't seen The Neighborhood List in College Town.

Become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the CBB Archives, every live show, add-free new episodes, even more original shows. I think we're in the middle of the crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs. Plus, we're releasing all of the live episodes that we're doing the next day for our Maximus subscribers. We're going to be back Monday for a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. I remember this place

I remember this place We had a good time here We had a good time here Now outside I was spreading this Oh, wait, I'll give you a nickel if you tip of my pingle, but I'd make that it as funny if you jostle it plenty. Welcome to Mommy Bang Bang. Thank you to Stephen Fart Esquire. That's great submission. I don't think that's going to stick.

I can imagine saying that every single show. St. Louis, thank you so much for turning out again to comedy. Bang Bang. Still, you're reading here. My name is Kelloggerman. I'm the host of Prometty Bang Bang. And before we begin, now, what's happening with this mic? What is it coming out? It's. Shouldn't it be? Do you like your cut? Whoa! What's the on? You keep doing this.

And you say, more time than it's a spanking. Is it the monitors that are getting... Do you hear it or do you, uh, I heard me. It's okay, I'm okay, I think the monitors are occasionally coming out. I don't need apologies. I appreciate it though, but thank you very much. I just want to alert you to that. Before we begin, may I ask how many people here have never even heard an episode of

Kondi Vanga before? Right up there. Let me just explain exactly. exactly what you're going to see tonight. Tonight is sort of like a talk show. I'm the host of the talk show. I will be having guests out here on these stools. It looks to be a lot of white ones in one.

Stady red one. Don't you get that one. These are conversations that have never been had before between the participants. These are conversations, presumably, that have never been had before between any human being. We'd be weird if we're just reenacting conversations from other people.

But these are conversations that are not pre-plans. We have not discussed anything we're going to talk about beforehand. We, in fact, have not even acknowledged each other backstage. We've all sat on several corners, not looking at each other, staring a long way into the distance. And that's essentially it. We're just going to have a good time, so that's a lot of good time. Oh, I'm going to crouch. The crouch implies, I don't want to be seen, and yet you're also making that.

It's pretty exesely for a guy like me. But before we get to all this, there is one piece of business that we have to attend to. You're listening. Yeah. Come on. If you've been listening to the tour as we do it, you know what I'm about saying. We are about St. Louis to do a little something. I call the balcony reports.

Now, the balcony report the people in the balcony are very excited. You should not be. This is not to give you any kind of shout out or point you out and go like, hey, open the back. We love you. No, we know. These people, they take goodbye for these six.

Such good funny, he just walks right in here and put him over there. I'll not give a damn about the five minutes he missed. Now, the balcony report is merely instructional. It's for those of you listening at home and for those of you right here in this audience to know precisely to the balcony the number of balconies that are in the venue that are performing. Yeah. I know. Now, new wrinkle for this tour, before every other tour, I would give the balcony where people would be fucking losing their minds. It was fine.

But this tour, we're doing something a little extra special. I am tabulating and calculating the number of balconies across the entire tour. So you can be here two numbers. Don't be confused. The first number will be the number of balconies in this room tonight. By the way, don't turn around and look. Don't slow. Please go away and wait a second.

The first will be the number of balconies in this very room. and the second will be the total, the grand total in fact, number of bodies thus far on the tour. Are you ready for this, St. Louis? Please, that's punch to announce that

St. Louis, the patent theater, has one balcony. Also this thing. Don't feel like it counts. But that gives us a grand total. Get ready.

We know your dick Grand total Thus far on the tour We are approximately Eight days in Of a leaden balcony Thrilling Probably the best part of the show

And now I feel you've gotten your money's worth We can coast All right Are you all ready to start this show We have a jam-packed one here tonight Such great guests Coming out here And our first one is no exception

He is a... He's a religious figure. Hmm. Please, I've spoken to him once before, I believe, backstage at a different show. Please welcome Monsignor Damien Fernley to the stage. Thanks very much. Monsignor. Wonderful to...

I met you backstage at a different show. What was that show? The show was called Kiss Me. I'm Patrick McMahon. It's an Irish storyteller doing a live show in Los Angeles. Does that literally answer your question? But Scott, thank you very much. I'm pleased as Punch as pilot to be here.

I've never been to a theater that has a conversation pit before. Just random conversations will sometimes just erupt and, you know, we're here to guide people through those. Is that actually the show? Sure. To guide people through conversations. Yeah. You know, they could go this way, they could go that way.

That sounds too much to me like therapy. Really? You have never undergone therapy? No, no, no. We don't... In the church, we don't encourage therapy. Why is that? Because then you don't need the church anymore. We're at cross-purposes, you know. Yeah. And does therapy cost 10% of your income? You're talking about tithing.

Tithing, yeah. We don't really do that. Oh, really? In the Catholic Church? No, we ask for money all the time. Every Sunday. We have a box labeled poor box. You pass by it. Imagine how you feel.

And that money goes to the poorer amongst us. You know, poor is a loose word. Sometimes the rectory is poor in groceries. Where exactly do you practice? Is that the right word? No. Where's my parish? Where do you do your thang?

I'm a month senior at the church. of the holy crown of thorns and all the nails. Wow, I don't think I've seen that one, but it sounds... Oh, really? Are you keeping track of all the Catholic churches, you see? I'm up to 23. It's not bad. You're on your way, son. It's like bird watching, is that it? Sure.

Oh, there's another one. Write you down on my little book. I'm presuming you have a little book. Well, speaking of little books, you have the original little book. Well, we never call it the little book. We call it the good book. The good book, yeah. The Bible.

The Bible. Number one bestseller. Thousands of years running. Is it really still a bestseller? People can't get enough. You know how when they had to stop putting Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon on the charts, you know, where they were like, all right, enough. I didn't know this.

It was like on there for 10. years or something, they're like, okay, we're no longer letting Dark Side of the Moon be on the charts anymore. We're taking it for granted that people are still buying the shit. Is that what the Bible is like? Because I never see it on the New York Times bestseller list. Well, they're godless, so they won't put it on there. But I'll tell you a little secret of the church

that any time it slips below a certain number, below number one, we send out a bunch of people to buy copies of the Bible to drive it back up again. Wow. And also, we'll release special editions of the Bible. Remastered. I like those Bibles where everything

Jesus says is in red ink. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. Because you're reading... You're treating yourself if you get one of those. You're reading along and you're like, boring, boring, boring, boring. And then it's like, oh, there's that guy.

That's right. He's saying stuff. Now I know to pay attention. We did one where we put out a version of the Bible where every time the devil spoke, It was an invisible ink. So you had to, like, pour lemon juice on it? That's right.

Hold up to a light bulb. That's how we caught a bunch of sinners. Why are you so interested in what the devil has to say? People come in with their Bible as though the pages had that crispy brown surface. Like when you were a kid, you tried to make a treasure bag. A treasure bag. You burned the edges. I started a fire in my room that one.

Or she did. Everyone did. If you don't mind, Scott, I'd like to take care of some bits. First of all, if you don't mind and if you'd be to be. appreciated. I'd like to do a blessing for the podcast before we proceed any further. We have never had a blessing during the podcast, so even though I don't believe in

anything, you know, that you're about, I would... Now, why was that necessary to say that's an inside thought? You don't have to make sure I know about it. Like inside baseball thought? What's an inside baseball thought? We're like, you know more

about the way the sausage is made. Now we're talking about sausage. But you keep it to yourself? Yeah. In any case, I would love to have a blessing on the podcast because, you know, why not? Exactly. Some insurance, you know. Because what if I turned out to be right?

Man, I'll be so embarrassed. I'll be in heaven just going like, man, you're right. The race is on. Now look, I understand I might get up there and find out, uh-oh, I devoted my life to the wrong thing. but if I'm right man it's going to be that's going to be awesome

oh it's going to be grand are you kidding me especially being a monseon when they see me they're like come on right of the line the lines in heaven that's the one thing that there's always lines

yeah I don't know why should have done away with that it's like can you apply for TSA pre-check for heaven that's not a bad idea you know what I think about that is the sort of

TSA pre-check for the line in heaven is being Catholic. So maybe consider it if you don't want to take your shoes off on your way to hell. I want my shoes on in hell. Why is that? Because it's too hot. You think the shoes are going to help? They do with the pool.

That's interesting. What if hell is just like the pool? You get there? Oh, it's not so bad. The pool's crowded. Maybe they just exaggerated. It's just like, it's like being outside on... Whose day? You know, the disciples and everyone. I don't know.

Who talks... God. God. Sure. The disciples were stenographers, essentially. It's God's story. God's story. Okay.

All right. I don't mean to insult you. Forgive me if I'm a little defensive. It's my whole thing. All right. So now you want to bless this podcast. What do you? What do you need from myself?

Silence. What do you need from the people? Just silence. Everybody bow your heads. Heavenly Father, please guide us as we go through this podcast recording. Let us be witty, concise, entertaining. Let the ones and the zeros all come together. I'm assuming this is digital.

Yeah, pretty much. We pray to you and all the angels and saints, the apostles, the clerics. the druids, the magic users, the paladins, charismatic thieves, and the gelatinous cube. Amen. Now that's out of the way. I hope you don't mind. I want to do some parish bulletin announcements.

These are announcements for your particular parish? Well, they... Sure. I mean, they could apply to various parishes. I mean, they're all kind of to say. You can insert the names of the people that you know. All right, first off, Mrs. Gallowher has died at the age of 91. So good news, we can finally cancel 6 a.m. Mass.

She was the last one. She was the only one going to it. She was the only one. It's terrible to be up on the altar, and you and the altar boys you outnumber the audience. The audience. I put in words you could understand. Thank you.

We'd go out there beforehand and say, do you really want us to do it, Mrs. Galler? And she'd say, I have to have it. People must stop using the confessionals for TV show spoilers. What does that mean? People are coming into the confessional and they're just spoiling shows left and right for me,

just because it's private. How does that come into their confession? They just bring it up. They find a way to worm it in. You know, they're talking about, about some problem in their life and they say, you know, it's like the Traders season finale, the one from Australia.

And I'm like, I'm watching this show across five countries now. I'm doing it best I can. Traders in heaven. Hmm. By Eric Clapton. All right, the Holy Relech brought to us from the Holy Land by Sister Margaret. Last year has been de-verified by the Holy See in Rome.

It was not, in fact, a splinter of bone from St. John the Divine. It was just an old bit of Lego. It's disappointing. Hey. You know what the Holy Relic is? I mean, I got a pretty good idea. Take a guess.

It's like the jalopy that the disciples used to drive around in. It's like their version of the Dragula. So even from context clues, from what I just said, you couldn't piece it together. I might not have been listening. You think it's a funny car that... like a human being. All right, now this is the third posting of the bands of marriage for Brian Dunphy and Bridger McDermott. So this is your last chance to bring up any reason why these two should not be married.

That's what the bands are for. We publish it once, twice, thrice. If you got a reason, you come and say so. We don't want any more drama at the weddings. Also yelling Baba Booie is not grounds for dismissing a marriage. This is sensible. I like this because like, it's never made sense to me at the wedding

right before they paid for the wedding at that point and then just suddenly some guy can stand up and go like oh no you're not supposed to get married and then everyone has to go home that's right no matter what he says if anyone has just reason they have to have an actual reason but if they feel it's a legitimate reason

what can you do so this way you get it in beforehand so everyone has like a good two weeks notice. That's right. You don't have to pay for all those goddamn flowers. Hey, if you're getting married, forget about the flowers. Nobody cares.

It's the biggest expense. It's a racket, I'm telling you. Not that I would know. I've never been married. Is that one of your regrets at all? Do you have any regrets? I don't have a lot of regrets. You know, I've really enjoyed my life into church

and being celibate. it has its pluses and minuses. What are the pluses? The plus, the biggest plus is, I have a vast, untapped reserve of semen. And I'll take it to me grave. So if there's someone out there who can't get pregnant or something and is looking, once you die,

this is like a grave-robbing Frankenstein situation. Well, I don't know how good it keeps in the ground. Otherwise, we'd be doing that with famous people, you know what I mean? After they die, take up George Washington. Clone them. Oh, wow. You fell into my trap. That's the devil's work.

Cloning? Yeah, except for sheep. Sheep or fine? Yeah, we need more sheep. They're delicious. It's not like they're chickens. We've got too many chickens. Yeah.

Although we eat a lot of chickens. I don't know that we're... We can't keep up. They keep making them. Is that the only reason to eat chicken is to... We're trying to... Otherwise, they take over the earth. Think about it.

If we weren't consuming chickens on a regular basis, they cover the globe. That's a good point. Thank you. Was that it for the announcements? That's it for the announcements. Great. Oh, you don't ask me questions.

No. How did you decide to get into this line of work? I mean, it's not for everybody. No, it's a call and you know. you're called to be a priest. It's a holy calling, a vocation we call it. Right. That means that you can't get it out of your head.

Is that what happened to you? Just one day you were like, uh-oh. Spaghetti-o. That's exactly what happened. But SpaghettiOs were the church. We say, oh, spaghetti, where I'm from. Who divided the crowd? Some people wanted to like it, but they felt they shouldn't.

I'd always felt that I, should work in the church. I admired the priests that I, in my parish that I grew up with and also I just like wearing black. It's cool, right? I mean, yeah, but you could have been a goth. I don't have time

for all that makeup. I like to be able to run right out the door. Do you have your priest outfit or costume or whatever you call it? Like, is it... My clothes. Vestments?

Vestments. There you go. Are they standing up so you can just, like, walk right into them? And just snaps around your body? Walk right into them. All right, but walk me through the configuration of the clothes. Okay, stand up. Why do I have to stand up? I want you to be the clothes.

Why do I have to be the clothes? Spread your arms like this. Here I am. I'm you. I can already tell you, you're not going to be explaining it this way. Do, do, do, do, do, time to get into my clothes. Right. That's exactly what I thought was going to happen. And it doesn't explain how are to close freestanding. How do they wrap around me?

Through secret Da Vinci Code technology or whatever the fuck. Hell. Damn. Darn. It's fine. We curse on a time. Do you really? Yeah, it's Ireland. I end every mask with fuck off now.

You got what you came here for. So you were a young lad. Oh, if you like. And you just said, I got to do this. Yeah, I was always admired Jesus, you know. It's a big of hero mine. Yeah. It's a cool dude.

I mean, now that you say it like that, he was pretty cool. He was a cool dude. Yeah. Changing water into wine. I wish I could do that. I wish I could do that too. But luckily, we could just be. buy it. It's all over the place.

Those loaves and the fishes. Oh, Bible times was a terrible time to live. Except you did have the chance to meet Jesus. Wouldn't that have been nice? You were like, it's dusty and hot. There's not enough wine to go around. I'm waiting for someone to teach me out of fish so I can have dinner. But then you meet Jesus. Yeah, I got a store to tell at dinner time.

I mean, I met Tofer Grace at Gelson's once. What was he like? Was he cool? He was really cool. You know, I'm here in St. Louis because I've been going on a special trip for the parish, where I'm traveling to every city in the United States that's named after a saint. Okay. I'm bringing back a snow globe.

Are you going to the Santas as well? Santa Barbara? Absolutely. And here, there's also a few. Let me see. I got the stats here. There are 53 proper saint names, including the Santas and the Sands. And then four named after holy things, like Los Angeles.

Angels. Right. Sacramento, California. The holy sacraments. That's right. Holy Cross, Arkansas. Not sure about that one. If you had to guess, what would you say?

Are you familiar with the story of Jesus at all? Do you remember how it ends? How it ends, ends? Not how classy? That you do know. He goes flying up into heaven. You're playing the fool. But you do know.

He goes flying up into heaven. He does. Well, it's not the end of Greece. Get a load of this. There's an Ave Maria, Florida. That's founded in 2005 by the founder of Domino's It feels like that was right around the time when they decided to come clean about their pizza being terrible.

That was an amazing time. Remember, because people were like blowing their noses onto pizza, and it became viral videos, and then Domino's came out and said, oh, maybe the recipe is not as good as it could be. I mean, they were serving those pizzas for decades. Decades. And then they were finally like, yeah, it sucks. Now, when you tell that story to people, they will tell you they actually did make it better. Sure.

But I want a refund for all the ones I bought before. Exactly. How much human mucus have I ingested? Why did that guy found a town? Yeah. 2005. And the thing about towns is you don't think that someone founds, you know, like... Oh, it's just there.

Yeah. Or like one building goes up Because a guy's like, oh, I need shelter Then another guy comes around and goes This looks like a shady spot Building number two Does the first fella make it the shady spot With the structure that he builds?

Yeah So then does the second fellow build a smaller house Next to that guy? Yeah And then another guy's like Oh, this place could use a restaurant And he opens up With two people living in it

Cha Ching There's signs in his eyes These two single fellas, I'll build a restaurant here. And just like that, there's a town. Just like that. But this guy decided to start one. Yeah, with pizza money. Is it pizza themed?

What are the most famous themed towns you can think of? I mean, there's those Disney towns. True, but they're not real cities, are they? I don't know. They're like in corporations or something. Or incorporated. But like, what if the town is circular? All right.

A round town? All the streets are like slices of pizza. So all the streets lead to one central point in the middle. Worked for Rome. And they invented pizzas. It's true, but Rome, I guess you could say, like, what is it? The Coliseum would be like the little table that you get with the pizza. So you don't all smash into each other.

What's the purpose of that thing? The Coliseum. Did you know, they used to flood it and have sea battles in a thing? They used to flood it? They used to flood the Coliseum. Sea battles? Yeah, they'd have ships in there.

It's true. Fighting what? Like mermaids? Fighting each other. Oh, wow. What do you think is two ships ganging up on a fake mermaid? Doesn't seem fair. There she is, fellas.

Let loose the cannons. I'd go see it. Sure. Now, do you think it would be someone dressed up as a mermaid? Do you think it would be a proper manatee? That's what the sailors used to think. The mermaids was manatees. Yeah.

You ever seen one? I've never seen one in person. Do they sing? Jeremy Piven? Could you imagine if that fucking thing sang a song that sounded. like a beautiful woman singing to you. That ugly blob, all of a sudden

a voice comes out of it, these sailors lose their minds. Let's steer this into the rocks. They're surrounded by men that look like the manatees for the entire journey. Then they see you in the water, he's like, oh, look at that beautiful lady. Well, is that all you came out here to talk about? I suppose so. How many more towns are you?

Just one more, I've got to go to St. Judas. St. Judas, where's that? In Florida. Florida. Yeah. So, wait, you already went to the pizza town? Gotta go back. I got to go back.

This is bad routing. It is bad routing. Well, you know, America's a big place. It's very hard to figure it out. Yeah. And so I also think it didn't help that we were going on an alphabetical order. Should have been by distance.

But, yeah, I got to go back to St. Judas. I don't know if you're familiar with St. Judas. No, I've never heard of it. He's the disciple that betrayed our life. Lord. I know who Judas is. Right. He didn't know he was a saint, though. Yeah, why is he a saint? Everybody plays their part.

So he... He was at... He, look. He was decided he was going to do a thing. He did the thing. Make him a saint. But he, like, he committed one of the mortals. Like, he hung himself. Oh, he's in hell for sure. No, not a great guy.

But he did his part. Good for him. Good for him. And we all... do our part. Do we not? We all do. I mean, there is free will. He didn't have it, but... When did they start that? Free will?

Yeah. Oh, that goes back to Old Testament times. Really? That's right. But he did not have it, so... It started with Eve. Eve had free will. You ate the apple. God said, please don't eat the apple. Whatever you do, I'll only ask you one thing. Oh, would you ever, never eat the apple?

Why would he do something like that? It was a test. Why? So we could be where we are right now instead of happy. All right, Monsignor Fernley, everyone. Monsignor firmly. You like saying my name. Ma!

Do you get that kind of reception in your parish? Wow. People are barely awake. They're either hungover or they're an old lady. That's the thing. Here's the way to solve it. Don't have church on Sundays. Why should it be?

It's right after Saturday night. Everyone's been having fun all night. Like have it on Tuesday mornings or something. People have jobs. So they don't come. I think that's going to drive down attendance. There may be some flaws in my logic. I don't know.

They're very pleased with yourself. Giggling away. Hey. Now, Montenio, we have a guest coming to the show who's been on the show before. You've never been on the show before. the show before. It's a pleasure to meet. Well, I mean, we met backstage at that thing. But we have someone who's been on the show

before. She is an actress. So... You know what that means? Going to hell. She originally had a job wiping down the machines at a gym

over in Los Angeles. Please welcome Bickey from the gym. I didn't give him a hug. I was reenacting his clothes. Okay. All right. You love touch. He loves touch. Hey, how you do? So you nice to me too.

What do you expect me to do? Are you from, um, what? You from Ireland? Ireland, yeah. I almost started doing the accent. Did you know you? I thought this is what you guys did for women over there. No, just the Pope. He's the only one.

Okay, well, fine. He started slapping people's hands away, by the way. He started slapping us away. Oh, damn, okay, well Very hard to understand you both Why is that? I mean, it's kind of a similar thing that you have going on Just like slightly different

I'm realizing how hard it's gonna be for me Being out of each day, yeah I'll try to keep my conversation for me We'll see how it goes here Oh, Scott, it's been so long I miss you Hi, Bickey Hi

For those of you who don't know Bickey, you started out working at 24-hour fitness? Yeah, I used to work at 24-hour fitness. I would wipe down all the machines at the gym. I had a fucking bitch of a boss. Her name was... Her name is... Her name is Shannon. She was a fucking nightmare.

But then the pandemic hit, right? And all of a sudden, I got discovered as an actor and I now have a new stage name Lily Sullivan but thank you obviously I know you're applauding for me the actor Lily Sullivan I know there's another one

a comedian she's way less hot than me way less talented way older what else she doesn't have a wiky feet page like I do She's from more humble beginnings She's poor

She's stupid She's like hitched to some loser Who's dragging her down Yeah Not like you No I can still spell the word Definitely

Um what else Bank account for money She's got about 2,000 In business How's your credit? I credit's unbelievable. Yeah. Her stinks. $200,000.

That's almost too high. Is it? Can it be too high? Is that your credit score? $200,000? Yeah. Congratulations. Through the rope. I'm worried you're too in debt,

even though it seems like you're making all the payments. No, I'm doing perfect. I'm doing fucking great. Yeah. Actually, I'm here even, I'm working. This is a work trip. for me. Oh really? You're shooting here in St. Louis? Yeah, I'm doing a commercial shoot while I'm in town. Commercial! I know, we love commercials. Woo, give it up. We love commercials, don't we? Oh, when they come on the tape, eh? We love them, don't we

folks? What? We love them, don't we folks? We love them? We absolutely love them. It's just going to be really hard for me to talk to you. I'm not going to be able to do it. Does it help if you don't look at me directly? It doesn't seem to matter. I'm a bit religious, so I totally... I'm... You know, I used to work at a CrossFit gym

before I worked at a 24-hour. And we would do this really fun thing where we would nail everybody up, just, you know, just like Jesus. Let me tell you, eat your core. after being up there for like five or six hours. Unbelievable. Yeah.

Unbelievably cool. Cool. Yeah. Imagine being up there for, what was it, two days, 48 hours? How long was he up there? It was a while. Longer than you'd like. You got a couple of jokers next to you making jokes the entire time, just cracking wise.

Oh, only the one fellow was making jokes. Yeah. The other guy was like, hey, leave him alone. You know what I was thinking about, we don't get to see a lot of teenage Jesus. Yeah, when they reboot it, you know, it's like... See a lot of like 30-year-old Jesus and we see a lot of baby Jesus. Yeah. What about teenage Jesus?

I bet he was hot. I bet he was so hot and so cool. Couldn't grow the beard yet, so he just kind of had like some cool stubble. It looked like you, yeah. If you'd really like to know, I can tell you why that is. Why? They left that part out of the Bible because he was such a fucking asshole. He was a teenager.

He was a son of man, don't forget. And he was just rude all the time. Because like... Sarcasm isn't a sin, right? It was beyond... It's not great. It was beyond sarcasm. He was just rude, moody.

But that's not a sin. I never said it was. What I'm saying is, asshole. Hey, don't fight over me. I'm saying there's a loophole where they talk about like, oh, he never sinned, he never sinned. But he was just a jerk. That's what I'm telling you.

But that's what I'm saying to you. I said it first. I said at last. Oh, my God, stop. Sorry, Lily Sullivan, I'm sorry. It's just something gets in men like the Montsiniar and me. It's something about being around a really beautiful woman. It makes men go crazy.

Good point. So you're shooting a commercial for what? Okay. So you know those commercials for AMC with Nicole Kidman? Sure. We come to this place because, what is it? It's. Heartbreak feels good in a place like this.

That's a partner. Yes. She's incredible, but she's. booked up, you know? She's doing so much work right now. You know, she was in that movie with Zick Gephron. Sure. Where she's fucking Zick Effron.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, it's coming out. It's a real movie. I'm not making it up. She's fucking Zach Ephron? Yeah, can you imagine the height difference? I mean, she's like 7-2, and he's about 4-1.

Is he a little fellow? I didn't know that. Oh yeah, he's small. He's like Dave Franco. He's tiny. Shots fired. These are the facts. Go ahead and Google them. I know.

I've seen him in Hollywood. Now, it's easy to say when you're as tall as you are. I'm tall. Making fun of short people. Yeah, I'm tall. I'm 5.7. I'm a normal height. I'm not some freakish height like 5'2.

You certainly didn't need to jump up into your chair tonight. I'm sorry, did you want me to be nice to you tonight? But, so you're doing the AMC, did they need another Australia? They needed another person. Well, obviously, I'm from Ohio. Oh, right. But I studied abroad in Australia for a really long time,

about a month. And so, yeah, they hired me. So I've been putting together, I'm a writing to Rick Tang in starring in the commercials. Wow. Oh, congratulations. I know. Can you believe?

I'm like Lily from the AT&T. Who's that? Is she sort of an autour with those AT&T commercial? Yeah, she writes them and directs them. Why is everyone looking at me like I'm crazy? I'm telling them. I'm saying straight fix over here. She writes them, she directs them.

She does. Really? Who are we talking about? You haven't seen those 18? I'm not going. I haven't seen these, but yeah, I guess it's not important. The AT&T commercials? You keep saying AT&T instead of the thing that will make me realize

who you're talking about. The main lady in the IT&T commercials. Malanna Vintraub. Yeah, characters are not, I'm easily. Okay. Great. Now I know, and she writes and directs these? Yeah.

Wonderful. What about Jan? What about Jan from Toyota? Does she write and direct those? She just builds the cars. Yeah. She builds the cars. She makes the cars.

Really? Yeah. What about flow? Flow is electrician. Yeah. You have to be multi-talented to be a spokesman. Really? Okay.

It's not like podcasting, you know. So tell us about the commercials. You're writing them. You're directing them. What's the new spin on them? I'm in the same spin. I mean, basically, I'm just trying to make... I have...

Here, I can share some with you. If you don't mind. If you don't mind, isn't the thing... The kind of thing that usually elicits woo's. You know, you don't see, like, a band coming out going, If you don't mind! If you don't mind. Okay, so imagine, I'm wearing a pencil.

A what? You're wearing a pencil? I'm having a pinsoat. You're having a pea sweet? You're wearing a pinsoat. I'm having a pinsoat. I've got on big, huge, nice pair of heels. I've got my hair in a low bun.

I've got my entire face fully fused with Botox. And I say, we come to this place. To cry. Popcorn with a mouse on the screen. Say to your friend, who is there guy? Why did they shoot him?

MC Thed. Let's watch movies again. Wow. Thinking I'm channeling Nicole, but I'm eating like so much more personality. Like, I like how strangled your voices. Oh yeah. I didn't even notice that, really?

It's just if somebody's got their hands around your throat. And you're like, hey, very quickly, let me record this voiceover. That's an old acting trick for women. You pretend like your husband's strangling you. That's how you do drama. Why are you shooting them here in St. Louis? Because of the arch. That arch.

We got to have it. Imagine. Yeah. You see the arch. Right? And then I come out of the arch. Which part? The big part in the pit site.

I heard it that time. I got it too. I legitimately couldn't figure out the first part. And I'm wearing my big heels are even taller. And my bum has moved up my head. And I turned to the camera. And I said, Come to this place.

An indescribable feeling. When the lights dim, dazzling image, at top of magical screen. Place, you can turn to your friend and saw. What did I miss when I was in the bedroom? It's such movies again.

You had to clear your throat after that. Yeah, I think I got COVID big stage. Oh. Well, good luck. Can you imagine a screen underneath that arch? That would be like the ultimate IMAX. It would be like that big dime thing in Las Vegas. Yeah.

Whatever that thing is called. It would be like that, but better. Yeah, I went to it. I don't remember what it's called. That spherical thing. What could it be called? It's a mystery, what its name is. It's like a circle, but it's not.

Yes. You know, it's not a, you know, people say it's not an actual sphere, but it actually is because it's underneath the ground. That's right. The other half is there. Just like the St. Louis Arch. Yep. It's a circle.

There's treasure down there. Yeah. I heard that. It's down there with the Ninja Turtles, isn't it? That's the sewer. You're thinking of pizza. I'm thinking of pizza. I'm thinking of pizza.

I wish I'd eaten before the show. Yeah. Pizza sounds really good right now. Can we order a pizza from here? Can you call? I wonder if we could. Does this place serve pizza? No. No. Very firm, no.

That's a hard no. We're not the first to ask, apparently. They're sick of hair and I like to think every other person who walks in here. Is this place served pizza? I bet if we order the pizza now, you'll get you by the end of the show. You think they deliver it on stage? I hope so. Do you got the

You got the pizza tracker app? That's dominoes, right? That's dominoes, yeah. One thing they did, they're like, look, our pizza sucks, but check this out. You'll note there's no step where somebody blows their nose on the pizza. All right, Becky from the gym, everyone.

Becky from the gym. Thank you. We have a very special guest coming to the stage now, and I'm pardon me for looking at my notes, but I'm not familiar with this guest. But when I booked the show here in St. Louis, I was contacted by the St. Louis Chamber of Commerce,

who said, you have to have this guest on the show. Local favorites, people know who this is. People are going to be very excited to see this guest. So please, everyone, welcome. Give a St. Louis welcome to Morris the Missouri Mule. Morris the Missouri Mule, everyone. Speak English?

Yeah. Are you so out of breath? You ran approximately five paces. Running around. Run around carrying stuff. You never talked to a mule before, Scott? I've talked at a mule, I guess. I've never had a conversation with one.

There's four things you need to know about me, Scott. Is there really? Yeah. The first is, I'm very hurt. Because you come to Missouri, and you don't call ahead. We could have hung out.

I could have shown you all the fun stuff. The mule is the Missouri State animal. I don't know if you know that. I had no idea. I'm the Missouri State Animal. So your one particular mule is... Don't do that. Don't do that.

The mule is the Missouri state animal, and I'm kind of a big deal because I'm sort of like the king of the... the mules here in Missouri. Why do you call yourself that, or is that something that was appointed to? We don't have time. It's not one of the four things, Scott. I could tell you why I'm the king of the Missouri State.

We could expand the list to five. We definitely do have time. It would be the end of your show. It might be what your show is from now on. You go down that road. No more guess, just the continuing saga. Do the four, Scott. Trust me.

All right, I'll stick to the four. So what is the first one? Well, the first is I'm very hurt. You're very hurt. Because you could have come by. We could have gone up to Hannibal Mo. You're a comedy guy, right? What award did I give out at the Kennedy Center for comedy?

The Mark Twain Award. We could have gone up there. Home of Mark Twain checked out the comedy stuff. You want your show to win one of those comedy awards at the Kennedy Center. You've got to go there. Everyone who wins that award has gone there and hung with me. Made the pilgrimage? Yeah, do the comedy stuff.

Even local. I bet you didn't even walk around Washington University campus today. Birthplace of the college education of Mr. Egon Spengler, the dirt farmer from Ghostbusters. The link went father to Callie Spangler. Sure, sure. Inspirational grandfather to Phoebe Spangler. I don't find those movies to be canon. You really don't want that award.

Do you? He wasn't a dirt farmer in the first two, so I don't consider him to be. Okay, so I guess Luke Skywalker's always just a farm boy. A moisture farmer, you mean? I'm not a nerd, Scott. I don't know. Is that the second thing I'm supposed to know about you? Nope, nope. You're straying from the four. We haven't gotten past one yet.

Yeah, number two, I'm stubborn. I mean, most mules are said to be stubborn. That's offensive. I can't believe that. I want to edit that out of your show. I'm stubborn. Most mules are cooperative, work hard, helped win World War I and two.

I'm intrigued. Show some respect. What are the mules do in World War? Carried ammunition around. You want our fighting boys to carry the ammunition around? Or would you rather a bunch of mules did it? I think I know the answer. Were there Nazi mules too, then?

If there were, they weren't good enough to win World War II. Stand on Adolf Hitler's grave and say that. Percy buried again? I don't know, Scott, I'm not a Nazi. Number three. I love it when you show me stuff. Like anything?

Anything, yeah. I love it. I love it. Check that out. What? Pretty good. An American riddle finally solved at last. What does that mean to show me state?

It's all right there. You didn't need any further. information. Hiding in plain sight. He gets it. I'm sorry I didn't bring more stuff. You don't have anything? I literally have a phone in my pocket.

Do you want me to take that out? You're all right. That's the one thing you have to know about me. What? I'm all right. Number four. My mother was a horse. My father was a donkey.

I can't have children. I'm so sorry. Have you thought about adoption? No. You try going into an adoption agency as a mule and see how far you get. The whole system is stacked against me. I'm supposed to clip-clop, clip-clop. Show me where the adoption agency is, father.

Is that just because you want to be shown more stuff? Yeah. I mean, could you adopt another mule? Could I adopt a what? Another mule. Yeah But you'd rather have a human baby Wow

I mean I just It's a child You just want to You just want something to love To raise Wait you would want You would have a human baby I can't

My mother was a horse My father was a donkey Is Missouri the only state Who has this is their state animal A sterile creature You know Scott I don't I think

Nick Cannon is someone's... But he... No, he's not sterile. Yeah, he's the opposite. All right? Yeah, you're all right. I'm all right. Oh, okay.

That's the one thing I know about you. So we've now run through the four things... Yeah. That I have to know about you. Yeah. Okay. I appreciate you being on the show. I was born Prince of the Donkeys.

What? How do you become Prince of the Donkeys if your mother is a horse, you're... My father. was king of the donkeys, and I was his bastard son. But they would never accept my rule, so I became king of the mules. It's shorter story than I thought, Scott. Four where I stretched it, and I've told it enough times, and I maybe have got it down tight. What part were you stretching, having sex with your mother?

Yeah. They loved each other. They loved each other, really? They loved each other. It's past tense, Scott. Are they not with us any long? No, they've perished. What's the lifespan of a horse and a donkey?

Not long enough, Scott. What's your lifespan? I don't know. What time is it? Let's talk a look. He's 8.5. Whoa! If you don't mind, it's worse, in my experience. So what's your day-to-day like out here? Walk around Washington U.Campus, check out,

Hey, that's the building that inspired the frat from Animal House. It inspired them in the movie Animal House? They get inspired? No, stop thinking Cannon. Should call you Nick Cannon the number of times you bring up Cannon. No, when Harold Ramis, the dirt farmer himself, when he attended here, it was one of these fraternities that inspired National Lampoon's Animal House. What kind of bang-bang is this?

It's a gang bang, actually. Because every time I bring up cool comedy stuff, you start looking real depressed. Like, you don't want to talk about it. You start slumping over. Seems to be all Harold Ramos-based. We need the room, Scott. To college here.

Any other comedians from St. Louis? Sure. Name them. It's indistinguishable, Scott. Rich history, if you just shown up a few days earlier, we could have enjoyed it all. You days, we're on a schedule here.

All right. You got your priorities. Yeah. It's got to be economic. We can't just spend three days here doing one show. Well, we could go up to Hannibal mobile. You can help me with the project I'm working on. What are you working on?

I got this fence I've been painting, and it's real fun. You could help you want it, but I don't know if I'll let you. Kind of want to paint this fence. If you think we go he-haul, we don't. If you think we go, nay, we don't. That's not our signature sound. Our signature sound is this.

Morris, can I ask you a question? Yeah, of course, Father. What are your responsibilities as King of the Mules? Like, do the other Mules recognize you as their king? Most of them do, but yeah, there have to... Most of them do. There was an uprising. I had to put it down.

What... An uprising of the Mules. Yeah. A couple of Jokers got it in their head that maybe I wasn't... Maybe I shouldn't meet King of the Mule. How many mules are there? Hundreds. In Missouri, hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds,

maybe even thousands. Maybe in the thousands. Probably hundreds. 100? Hundreds. Hundreds. Hundreds. 200?

At least. I wouldn't... 200 tops. Let me tell. Okay, here's the sixth thing about me. I don't say hundreds if I'm mean 143. I don't say hundreds until it's

over two. Then I say hundreds. 201 is where I start. Even 200, I'd be hesitant to say hundreds. But you're comfortable 2001? That's only one more. But it's hundreds. So we have that one extra, just a little grace. 243? Hundreds.

Would you say 243 is 100? He's got you there. Oh, he's painted you into a corner. I have. I think hundreds has to start at 300. I think so, too. 300. I think saying a few hundred starts at 300.

Exactly. You don't think plural starts at two? Plural can start a two like legs. You're a married man, aren't you? Am, but watch yourself, counselor. I just think that plural starts at two. I don't think you need a third. I agree with that.

I heard Scott's picking up some road beef. Although isn't your whole thing, threes? The Holy Trinity, the rest of those threes? The Holy Trinity, that's where it stops. That's a three you're good with. Down here, two. Two max. Three's out there, two's down here, Scott.

Unless you're talking about children, then it's Nick Cannon all the way. So you don't have children. That's a terrible... Did you want them? Yes. Yes, more than anything. Really? Yes.

Why? Tell all my friends. the joys of parenting. Sure. And I guess the... To have an heir to my kingdom. What will happen? What will happen to my kingdom when I perish? Yeah.

Possibly minutes from now. Hopefully not before the pizza gets here. What kind of pizza you're getting? Domino's. You're in St. Louis. You know they have a special kind of pizza here, right? What's the special kind of St. Louis pizza? What's that cheese?

Emo's. Emo's. Emo's. You know, as in. Emo Phillips. You don't know comedy? Is he from here? No, no. No, but Emo's pizza's from here. What's the name to that special cheese?

Yeah, Provel. I'm going to make a bold suggestion. We actually do order this pizza. Yes. Is there someone back there who can order this pizza? We got to get... Wait, maybe I... I'm going to check on postmates from here.

Let's order one for us and one for the crowd. I am. The eyes haven't. It's like we took a vote on something. Watch, watch what happens. EMO. Scott, if you want. I heard that about St. Louis.

I've got a bread backstage who's texting me. He says he can order it. Bread can? Bread. The tech guy, bread. Bread? Yeah. Should we ever order it?

What do we want on it? Well, I like cheese. I got a friend who has a standard order with pizza It's a round pie Tomato sauce A little bit of cheese Maybe some cheese Maybe some pepperoni

Yeah That sounds pretty good What kind of size pizza is that Okay so we should eat a large We get large for the audience and a large for the side Sounds about right Okay bread did you hear that Large for the audience large for the stage

Large for the audience He says 40 to 50 minutes. Sorry, we got a stretch. We can go another 40 minutes. The race is on. We cannot go another 50. So we're really hoping. Big finish.

I'll tell you what. The minute the pizza is delivered shows over. Just like that. That's how we know. No matter what's happening. But we will show the pizza. We will show. We'll show that we'll do a dramatic.

reveal, show the pizza, everyone starts applauding, show is over. When we show the pizza, everyone say I. Hold on to it. I want it to be good. We want it to be good. Definitely.

We want it to be good. Yeah, we want to hear those mouth sounds, though, when people eat it. Yeah. It's nice. People love that on podcasts. They do. Yeah.

Can you imagine one big juicy pizza for this audience? One big juicy pizza. They're going to love. Love it. They will. They will. Are you having fun, Scott? I'm having a lot of fun, yeah.

It's great to meet you. It's great to meet you, Scott. Sorry I didn't come early to chill, but we're on a very. Next time you come to Missouri, you promise. We'll ride the river. Is that a euphemism? No. It's not...

No, we'll get in a little boat and we'll ride in the Missouri River. Still sounds like a euphemism. Are you talking about cocaine right now, or what are we... We're going to get on a boat. we're going to ride on the Missouri River. We're going to fuck and we're going to do cocaine. Can't get you pregnant, Scott. A mule before.

Be honest. Not that I can recall. Have you seen the movie, The Mule? In Eastwood. Did you go to that? Were you disappointed? I would play movie every day until they stopped showing in theaters. Every day.

It's like, this mule's cool. What about Gus, a Mule, who could kick a field goal. Yeah. Yeah. It's a silly movie, but I like it. Dick Butt Kiss is in that.

Yeah? Yeah. Did you notice about his name? He's got... Did you notice? Yeah. I don't know if you notice. What?

I don't notice. What is it? First name. Say it out loud. Dick. Okay. And what's that a word for? It's a penis.

All right, maybe. Now go on to the second name. Butt kiss. Just go syllable at a time. But. All right. Now that's, okay, on the other hand, sort of a butt either fan or that sort of thing, but also your bottom. Sure.

Right. And then the last part? Kiss. Right. When you come back here, we're going to ride a little boat on the Missouri River. All right, Scott? Sure. I think he's lying.

I think he has fucked a mule before. Right? He has that look. He's got that twinkle. that little secret in your eye. Is that your little secret? It's what... Is that your little secret?

You fucked a mule. You can be honest, it changes nothing for me. The pizza will still come? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Of course I haven't fucked a mule. Aw. That sounds like the kind of thing

that is only said by a gentleman who has indeed fucked a mule. The of course is the tell. Yeah. You dirty mule fucker. It's like the end of black mirror when he has to fuck the pig. You like that show? You watch Netflix?

Easy, Morris. Easy. It's very aggressive. You're like Bridgerton? What do you watch? I'm not really a Shondaland guy. You don't like Shondaland? You scared of that little roller coaster at the end when the production thing comes up? It's not real. It's just a drawing. And you wouldn't have to write it anyway. Come on.

I'm scared I'm going to like it, and then they'll make me ride it. I mean, what if you liked it? Is that what you said to the mule? When you come back, when we're done right in the river, I'm going to take you to Shonda land. I know it sounds like I'm describing a shameful place. A Shonda. You know? But I mean, Shandaland. It's nice.

There's a roller coaster. Sounds like a really nice date. Like he'd really treat Scott nice before you fuck him. Yeah. Wait, Scott, do you think you would fuck him or he would fuck you? I would show you something. Whoa! Mind Hunter, you'll watch that.

Is that your jam? What's that? Mind Hunter? Trying to figure out your Netflix. From five years ago? I don't know. It's not by Shonda. Maybe you like it.

The Fincher. Yeah, the Fincher. Series about the creation of the special crimes? Yeah, starring Tony Winter Jonathan Groff. The crew cut guy. Sure. Was also in it. Yeah, the crew cut guy is that.

You like that? What's his name? Gus. He seems like a Gus as well. What? What are you watching on Netflix? Scott? I bear, you know, maybe too hot to handle or...

Yeah, you like too hot to handle, selling Sunset. He's a reality guy. Right? You like reality? Do you watch the circle? I've seen the circle, yes. Oh, she hits an alert. I like how excited they get when the alerts come in.

Are we just stalling for the pizza right now? What is happening? I just want to make sure you're having a good time, and I want to know what you like. I'm having... Why do you want to know what I like? Because you're being cagey about it, you know? I'm not being cagey. You're really hitting it off, and then you start kind of pull it away,

and I'm not sure why? My opinions on Netflix shows has barely anything done. to do with my life. Okay. All right. Are you a prime guy? What are you? It's your stream.

What's your stream? You're a Brit box? No, you're not a Brit box. What are you? He's profiling you like to mind hunter. You a peacock? You a peacock boy? What are you?

Peacock boy. Yeah. It's very emasculating. Oh, you max manned? You like the max. You like to max? What do you like to stream? If he was watching, he was watching

Traders I overheard earlier. That's a peacock, so he is a peacock boy. You're watching Triders. Traders. You watching Triders? I've seen Traders, yes. Triders. Triders. Triders. No matter who you say it to. Triders. Triders. Triders. Traders. Are you watching Triders? Are you watching Triders? I have seen Traders, yes. Which one? Triders, UK? You watch Triders, UK? I've seen the U.S. version, even though it's shot in Scotland. Okay, so you're a peacock boy. Admit it.

I've seen a show on peacock. Maybe Deal or No Deal Island as well. See what I say. He's a reality boy. Aren't you? They take the exciting game of Deal or No Deal and put it on an island. I remember watching Dealer No Deal and thinking, I wish this was surrounded by water. Imagine if it was surrounded by the yacht.

Deal or No Deal, St. Louis Edition. You didn't go in the arch today, did you? We didn't go to the arch. No, we didn't even see it. Go up, let's go after the show. Let's go up in the arch. Go up in the arch? Yeah, go up in the arch. Get up in there. All the way up in there?

Yeah. Go all the way top. All the way to the tippy top? Yeah. Is it open? You can pull some strings, Scott. I can? Yeah. You're the king of the mules.

I'm not allowed in at night unless someone else gets me in. What happened in the arch? Last one went there, they said, don't come back. I said never, they said maybe if you bring a friend. What did you do in the arch? What didn't I do in the arch, Father? What didn't I do? Did you sin?

I did sin. I did sin. Do you believe in... Do you like to confess? I believe in the concept of sin, yes. Do you believe in God and... I believe in one holy Catholic and apostolic church. But you believe in, like, a mule with a big white beard up in the clouds?

Yes, I do. Do you reject Satan and all his works? Yes. And all his empty promises? Yes, I do. I hate those empty promises. Promises, promises. Hate them.

Would you like to confess your sins, what you did in the arch? Yeah. Shoot. Father, I made a mess. I don't want to go into details in front of Scott. I'm worried that our boat trip is... Hangs into balance. I'm worried that...

he is a soft yes or a maybe a hard maybe how do we get around this do you want to go into some sort of a what do they call it a booth or two for a booth is that what we say two for a booth confessional confession booth confession booth yeah come over here yeah all right go over there i won't listen wait where are we going back here what are we doing just going to go in here to the confession i don't go back here with you yeah all right all right is it a red light district

Father, this feels dirtier than what I was going to confess. It always does. All right. How long has it been since your last confession? Weeks. That's not bad. I've heard worse. Really? What's the worst you heard?

Years. Years? People come in there. First of all, these feckers are come in for just Christmas and Easter. Oh, yeah, feck them. My blood boil. Feckham. They don't say that in here.

Yeah. All right, so tell me your sins and no. that God the Father will absolve you of your sins. You promise? It's his idea. He promise? That's what he says. All right.

I guess we'll all find out at the end. If he was joking around or not. All right. Well, I was watching the most recent of the Ghostbusters movies. The Frozen Empire. Did you see it? I haven't seen it yet. You haven't seen it? No.

They go back to New York. Right. But guess who's the mayor? of New York. Now, you will never guess, unless you saw the preview. Did you see the preview? I haven't seen the preview. You will never guess who's the mayor of New York now.

Did you watch the original Ghostbusters movie, the prequel? The very first one. Oh, you called it's a prequel? Yeah. I have seen it, yes. It's been a while. All right. Weeks.

Do you remember, so they set up their office in downtown Manhattan in an old fire station, and they have a containment unit. It is not licensed. That's right. They do not have the appropriate permits. That's right. Which caused problems with them, with the villain of the peace, the EPA. So, okay, you're going where I'm heading, Father?

Of course I am. Guess who the mayor of New York is? No, it's not that guy. Former head of the EPA, Walter Peck. Dickless. Oh, that's right. That's what, that's what Fankman, the dirt farmer's best friend. That's right.

Called him. Yeah, he calls him that in Frozen Empire, too. I should hold him. I laugh my head off. It's a years-long call. back. Yeah, decades in the making to make this mule laugh.

Anyway, me and a bunch of donkeys fucked all night in the arch. How did Ghostbusters figure in? You know, I can't remember. Okay. What was that it? Oh, this happened right after we saw Frozen Empire. Oh, I see. Yeah. So you had a donkey orchids.

Donkey Daddy's, I call him. We went off Frozen Empire. We basically sold out the theater. That's fun. Yeah. There were some people in there who weren't me or donkey, but they were laughing as loud as we were.

They were all, he-ha, he-ha-ha, and I was all, oh! How many prayers do I have to do, Father? I'd say, since you're not fully human. What? I mean... I'm not fully what? Oh, I feel like I've misread this situation.

Fully what, Father? Say what you were going to say. All right, now I don't want you to get mad. I was under the impression, and correct me if I'm wrong. I taught your word fully human. I'm not at all human. Okay. Then I feel better.

I mean, maybe way back. I feel back. Maybe if you go way back, I don't know. I haven't traced. There might have been a human in there somewhere. Why are you looking at me right now? I'm not supposed to be listening. This is a sacred space he can do as he pleases.

There's no, there's no, there's no, it says, you pick out from the confessional. Well, I think the Lord is here. Or Satan, one of the two. All right, say three Hail Mary's and, like Beetlejuice style, would she show up? Hasn't happened yet. Hill Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, that was easy, Father, I love this, thank you. All right, there you go. Wow.

Thank you. You walked literally four yards. Yeah, but I was carrying the weight of the Lord's Mercy. Morris the Missouri Mule. We have a wonderful guest coming out here to the stage. We were talking about commercial pitch people. Well, we have a commercial pitch woman here with us. Right now, please welcome the Pinesaw Lady.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Pinesaw Lady. Gosh. What is all this nonsense has been going on? This has been nonsensical. It's a little hard to understand. Yeah, there's a priest. There's a former Australian. A former Australian. Have you given up your citizenship? I'm from Ohio. Oh. What part? Cleveland.

Disgusting. Disgusting. Wow. Hello, St. Louis. The Pinesaw Lady. Now you are the commercial pitchwoman for Pinesaw. That's right. That's right, Scott. Now what happens in your commercials? Are you anything like this woman I've been hearing about...

Whom? She directs her own... Another woman? She directs her own... What's her name? Lily from AT&T. Oh, yeah, she directs their own commercials. Right. Lily from AT&T.

I don't trust myself behind the camera, honestly. Why is that? I would make it a porn. I would make it into the dirtiest thing you've ever seen in your life. It would be a disgusting, filthy porn. And then I would clean it all up. One capful of pine salt. Do you know how much?

Do you know how much that makes, Scott? How much cleaner that makes? How much does it make? 14 buckets, Scott. 14 buckets. You can clean up this whole city. You could clean up this whole filthy city. This is disgusting.

It's disgusting. Everyone here's gross. Just one capful. One capful. Well, maybe for this city, two capfuls. So one for each seven buckets. Yes. No.

28 buckets. 28 buckets. And that'll clean up the entire city. Do you have 28 buckets? Do you travel bucket list? I am bucketless currently. I can't believe that. He travels bucketless.

Can you believe that? I don't believe it. Now, who are you? Local. Local? And you're right. This city gets pretty mess. I told you.

Pinesaw lady. My name's Morris. I'm the Missouri Mule. Ah, a mule. Yeah. Do you know the power of Pinesaw? You should tell your mule friends. I will.

I'll tell all of them. One cap full. One cap full? Fourteen buckets. Fourteen buckets. I'll tell all my friends. I believe the father had a question. Yes.

No, I was going to introduce Morris, but it's taken care of. Oh, good. Okay. Thanks for coming back to me, though. And this is Lily Sullivan, formerly Bicky from the gym. Yeah, so nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too, Lily Sullivan. It sounds pretty religious how much you love Pine Saul.

Religious? Pinesol is my God. I've preached the gospel since 1992, and I won't stop now. Especially for you filthy St. Lucians. You saint lunatics. What makes this such a filthy city to you? Have you seen it, Scott? Have you walked around or did you just immediately check into the hotel and go to sleep?

Because I hit the pavement. When I come to a city, I hit the pavement. I get out, I walk around, I say hello to everyone. I kiss every single child in the city, right on the mouth. And I let them know the power of Pinesaw. Have you seen the arch? I saw it once, yeah. You should go after the show.

I mean, Morris wants to. Morris. If you're going, then I can go. I'm going right down there. And I'm going to scale the side of it. Scrubbing it. It needs to be scrubbed clean. There's all this writing.

People write on it. Why would you write on a monument, a historic monument? Why would you write on it? Who do you think you are? You piece of shit. You know, I don't think that's the locals. That's people coming in from out of town.

Ah, the yokels. Yeah. Yes. The people coming in from out of town. Anybody hear from out of town? of town? Fuck you. Do you know how much pine saw is going to take to clean your stupid-ass name off the side

of the gateway arch, the gateway to the west? Everything, everything post that street is the west. I can't believe you. How much pine saw would it take to clean that? At least two and a half cap fools. At least, no less.

35 buckets? 37 buckets. Two and a half capful, Scott. Do your math. Morris, have you ever seen a cap full of pine salt? No. Pine sole lady, would you show him? Absolutely.

I brought some out. I've been sipping on it. That's the power of pine, so I can do one full push-up now. Show me. Show me. Yeah, show up. You want to see the push-up? Yeah, let's see this push-up.

Wow. You heard it here first, folks. Scott wants women to do push-ups. 20! Now, how many cap-fills? was that. Wow. So how many

push-ups can you do when you have two cap-fulls? Seems like you should be able to do double what you just. Yeah, like 40. 40 push-ups with two cap-fulls? Yeah. You have plenty of ponds all right there.

Yeah, go ahead and type two-cuffles. We don't have enough show. We don't have enough show. We're just waiting for a pizza at this point. Oh, shit. Which pizza? Don't say emo's. Do not say it.

What's your issue with ebos? That's not this show. I won't talk about it. I do like the fried raviolis. Wait, is it too late to get an order of those as well? Yeah, bread, did we fried raviolis? I had no idea. I didn't know. That was a possibility.

I know, but he told us about the fried raviolis. Bread, did you get us any? I'm waiting for his text. I'll let you guys know. I feel like I just saw somebody backstage shake their head. You missed out. Get ready for some very salty pizza. Salt tastes good, though.

Yes, salt does taste. We put it on a lot of food and we like it. Yes, that's true. You know how much salt you're supposed to have a day? How much? A half a capful. How much do you think you're eating, Scott? I have no idea, but a lot, I bet.

You eat a lot of Scott? You eat a lot of Scott? Yeah. Salt, Ackerman. Scott, I must leave. You made me wait. So long. No, please stay.

I have a flight to catch, Scott. Pineshall lady, no, we want to talk to you. Okay. I love everything about you. I love the smell of Pineshull. It smells like those trees out there in the forest. It smells like pine trees. Yeah.

Ever heard of them? I have. I love them. They smell so good. They're not Christmas trees. No. Who knows what a Christmas tree is? It's a Douglas fir.

Scott. Don't ever, don't mix it up. I don't sell fur saw It's the Saul part of Pine Saul Is it like better call Saul? Yes, better call Saul It's for legal purposes Pine Saw Lady

Forgive me if this has been asked of you before But do Does anybody call you anything other than Pine Saul lady? No Do you have a name that you think of yourself as? I sold it away in 1992 You sold your name? Sold it away

to whom? Saul. The Pine Saul company, S.E. Johnson and Waxed. A family company. That was part of the deal to get the commercials you had to sell your name to them.

I'm all Pinesaw now. When I go to bars, I order Pinesaw cocktails. Creeped out about this. You seem creeped out about this. Not at all. Not at all. You haven't even come close to my limit. I would assume not. I find you endearing.

Ah, thank you. You ever been up the river? Up the river without a paddle, yes, absolutely. That's what we called it when I went to prison. I was sailed up the river. When did you go to prison? Is this pre-Pinesaw years? Post-Pinesaw. Post-Pintzol?

Yes. PPS? PPS. That's how I signed my letters. P-S. And then I say the next thing, they go PPS, post-Pinesaw. Up the river without a paddle. What did you do?

Kill someone. Who did you kill? It was the fence. The one he's painting? It was the fence. A fence like he is painting, yes. It was an electrical fence I had surrounding my home. And someone tried to get in, so I picked them up,

and I dragged them to the fence and held their face against it. I'm very strong. I just showed you. How long did you serve in prison? Six months. Can you believe it? I cleaned the whole place, and they let me go. You said you held their face against the fence.

That was what ultimately they couldn't breathe because their face was so tightly pressed against the fence. Then they were electrocuted. Oh, an electric fence. Are you not building an electric fence? No, no, my fence is just a regular fence that's really fun to work on. Hmm, mine was too. Yeah. Especially installing all of the electricity.

That sounds fun. And so this postal worker comes up says he's got mail for me. I don't like guests. I don't take too kindly to him. So I grabbed him by him. his collar, a federal shirt, picked him up, walked him over. His legs were swinging like this.

No, that was me. I was laughing. You're playing two characters. Yes. Wow. How do you think I got the Pinesaw commercials? I studied acting before. You studied acting.

Yes. Would you like to hear a monologue? I would, yes. Pick a movie. I've seen them all. Any movie? Anything. The Wizard of Oz. All right. Here's a monologue from a character.

Do you need a spotlight? I don't know whether we have those capabilities. We have red lights in the back. I'll go over there and do it. Okay. It's a monologue from that film. From The Wizard of Oz. 1939, MGM.

Dorothy? That any line from any film can be a monologue. I didn't hear any other character talking, so it certainly was a monologue. Exactly. Wow. And that was Auntiam? That was Antiam.

Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Did you work much? Excuse me? Did you work much before you, as an actor? Yes. What were you in?

Let's see. What year were you born, Scott? It's 1919. 1918. I was in a film called A Birth of the Nation. Birth of a Nation. What'd you play in that, if you don't mind me asking? Let's just say I wrote a horse.

Isn't my dad. That is the power of Pine Sole. I love that. 1918, Scott, you look great. You look great. Thank you so much, Pine Soley. For 106 years old. Seven, seven years old.

I only know how many buckets is that? How many capitals? That's the only math I can do. Scott, I have questions for you. Sure. Turn to the table. Can I go home? You want to go home?

Why? Scott, I don't want this. This pizza, and you keep talking. You don't want pizza? No. Why not? Supposedly it's great. I want something else St. Louis is famous for.

Come on, we all know what I'm talking about. White Castle. St. Louis is famous for White Castle? That's the only place I've eaten it. Can we throw a White Castle on top of this pizza? Yes. Not literally, please. I'm texting, bread.

You never texted me back about the raviolis. Oh, man. But guess what? When he told me he was ordering it, it was at 858. And now it's 931. It should be coming soon. So we're at 40 minutes right now. Wow.

And if we're going to end the show, the minute the pizza comes out, we better get to our last guest, shouldn't we? I think so. Well, before we do that, let's have a big round of applause for the Pinesole Lady, everyone. Thank you. And I have a giveaway for the audience. You have a giveaway? Yes.

I brought one cap full of pines doll for everyone here tonight. Check under your chair! Check under your chairs! Look at him all drinking it. All right, well let's get to our final guest of the evening. We first heard him on, I believe, the 15th anniversary episode. Please welcome the bronze boogie-border. What I'm seeing.

The pizza's here. Is he from outer... Bronze boogie-border? That's right. Very popular character that everybody's familiar with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that the actual pizza? That is the actual pizza, yes.

Now, I said we were going to end the show the minute it came out here. I mean, I don't think I can top what I just did, so... It's all right with me. Where do you want me to sit, Scott? What's that by the Bolandah? Shouldn't the Bronze Bomber sit here? No, no, he should sit right there. Or at least the pizza should be there, and he can...

stand next to it. Those are larges? Look, I work for emo now. Previously, I was an assistant

to a galactic entity that devoured planets. But I quit that job, and now I work for emo. Yes.

Did you notice that he fell and all the pizzas tumbled away and none of that cheese is moved in it?

So thin. Oh, wow. Very thin. So there's two deluxees and one cheese. All right. So I guess the deluxe goes out to the audience. Is that right? Yeah, I think so.

All right. Everyone just take one bite. What's on? Start right there. You got to share with everyone. Did anyone bring a pizza cutter to cut it into even, like the tiniest triangles you can imagine? It's emo. You can use a hammer.

What? What's on the deluxe? Is it a bunch of fucking olives? There's a shit ton of stuff on this. If you're in a couple, only take one bite between the two of you. But do it, Lady and the Tramp style. Yeah, baby birded into your wife's mouth. I was going to get into my backstory, but I don't think anybody's going to care.

Now that there's pizza in view. How are you guys doing? Doing good. Bronze boogie board or something. So wonderful to have you here. Oh, thanks so much. Thanks so much. Yeah, I'm a galactic entity.

Yeah. As you can see from my entrance, I travel through space effortlessly on my boogie board. With unerring athletic prowess. It's easier in space. Once you're on ground, it's kind of tough. Why are you holding that pizza like that? It's like you're going to give it to them.

No, put it down here. When do we get to eat it? We gave them their pizza. I know. I'm talking about us. Okay, yes. You guys got a cheese, right? No, we got both of these. Okay. Delivered. Ron's Bugger-Burter, I do want to talk to you.

You don't have to. You don't have to. You don't have to. No, we want to. You traveled all this way? Well, yeah. We're all passing a pizza and examining it like we've never seen one before. I have to request, can we take the pizza off stage because it's live? legitimately driving me mad. Sure, should I? Yeah.

It's all I can think about. Morris, thank you, Morris. Let's spend a good five minutes with you. All right, yeah, let's give a solid five. Yeah, yeah, I come from a long way away sort of like, historically, because I was born on a planet far, far away. Just now I came from a four-minute drive from Mimos.

So that wasn't so much. But yeah, in my life, yeah, my old job, I was in a, I was, I, I'm an alien. I'm not a human. And you're sort of the guy who tells. I tell, my former boss, Grax, is a planet devouring entity of indeterminate gender and species. Why is the gender part of it? Why is that important? I'm just, people picture usually a big humanoid alien, and I'm telling you, this, this entity is beyond all that.

Okay, but I don't care about the gender of this... Of unknown gender. If you're trying to pin a gender down, there's no way to do it. I've tried. Why are you saying that like it's a slur, though? Which part? How unable you are to pin a gender on. I mean, what's this clown's agenda?

Look, I come from a very backward planet. Yeah. In any case, so you led this entity to Earth once, Yes, my job was to find planets for my boss to devour. I was a scouter. I would find planets of suitable resources, and when I found one, I would let my boss know, and it would devour the planet.

Why would you be doing that now? Huh? Why would you be doing that now? I needed a gig. I mean, you know, I was... It came to my planet to devour, and I offered, said, hey, what if I worked for you instead of you devouring my planet?

and it took me up on it. This is what I don't understand, because if I went to, like, a pizza place... Okay. I don't know why I'm thinking of this. And I ordered a pizza, and the guy behind the counter was like, hey, what if instead I worked for you?

Well, that's how I got this job. The pizza deliveryman came to my house because I left the galactic entity and moved to St. Louis. And a pizza guy came to my house, and I assumed he was... scouting to eat my house. Because then where I come from,

whenever somebody shows up, scouting the place, that means an entity is, you know, and I was like, hey, I don't know what you're here for. What if I work for you? And this guy took me up on it. So I didn't actually work for emo. I worked for an emo's delivery guy. I'm like a subcontractor.

And, you know, whatever he gets overwhelmed, I pick up the slack. In exchange for him not eating my house, I assume. I assume he was going to eat my house. You follow the logic on that? When did you guys start the show? Like 6 o'clock? How long have we been here?

I got to... I'll be three more guests. I got to confess, Braun's boogie border. I am imagining you as a giant pizza right now. Because you know it's there, yeah. Yeah. It's hard, it's hard, yeah, once pizza enters.

Yeah. It's tough. How far has it made it? All the way back there? Wow. Wow. There. Is there still some in the box?

Well, if you run out, you can just eat the box. It tastes the same. Oh, you're going to jump me? After the show, you want to mean, the alley? Yeah, I really felt like it was more interesting when I thought this through. Yeah, it sounds pretty interesting. I used to work for an entity that devoured planets. I quit that job because, you know, a moral choice to get a better gig.

When did you quit? A couple weeks ago. You led him to Earth? I led him to Earth, and then I decided, no, I can't do it. Earth is too good, it's too cool. It's too cool? Yeah, man, it's cool. During my scouting, I was like,

this place rocks. What do you like about Earth? Daryl Hall. I scouted Earth, I descended on a Daryl Hall concert, and I was like, this rocks. Huh? I mean, he's great, but...

He's great. And I was like, no, I cannot devour a planet with somebody as cool as Daryl Hall. If you ever got his stuff, I've only got the greatest hits, but I can't stop playing it. We're talking Daryl Hull solo. Yeah, only the solo stuff. I don't know anything else he's done. Solo stuff's not bad. Cab driver, take me home.

That's it, yeah. I spend too much time away, too much time away. Wow. Of all the guests who have knowledge of Daryl Hall's solo career, that was, you were laughing. You were last. I won't bore you with them any other Daryl Hall solo song, I'll hear.

You... Give this another one. That's the best one. That's the best one. That's the best one. Yeah. That's more information than I want as a cab driver. I don't care why you're going home. You spend you as time away?

Okay. That is no effect on your fare. You know, Scott, you disrespected the mules who won World War I and two, and you disrespect Daryl Hall despite the fact that his coolness saved the planet. Is there no one whose service you won't disrespect? So I went to my boss and I told it.

We know. Got to go away and went back to the concert. It's great. You did this in the middle of the concert? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, I ran out. You ran out.

I ran out. He was waiting outside. My boss was just. outside. How far into the concert? Two songs. Two songs. And you decided. I was like, I'm quitting. Was one of the songs Cab Driver? No, that's the first. I've heard it. Probably played it while you were quitting. I probably missed it when I was out there quitting. Yeah. Too bad. He did two Motown covers, I think. That's all I heard him do.

You know Motown, and that didn't change your mind. Motown, I'm not into it, but if Daryl Hall does it, it's worth saving the planet for. Of course. So yeah, I quit a couple weeks ago. And yeah, so then I just kind of just been floating around looking, you know, for stuff to do. Got a couple jobs. There's some home... Couple jobs.

Couple jobs, yeah. Well, anytime anybody approaches me, I offer myself to work for that. So you're like a slave. Well, I mean, I'm... God, am I? I don't get paid. It's forever. I do whatever.

Yep, you know what? You're right. What a day. Yeah, I worked for this Emo's delivery guy. I work for Daryl Hall's Rody. Daryl Hall's Rody? Well, because I had to get back in the concert, and I, you know, I'd left,

and I was like, let me back in, and some guy was moving stuff around. I said, let me work for you for the rest of my life if you let me back in. He looked puzzled, but he agreed. So I helped this Rody when he gets overwhelmed. Do you still have the ability to fly through space?

Yeah, you start. Oh? I flew through space right there. Trust me. I know what I'm doing. I mean, would you ever go back out to space? That sounds like it might be exciting. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I plan on going back. Yeah, yeah. You know, I have to tell you, I'm a little torn here

because on the one hand, you've completely destroyed my entire belief system. Oh, yeah, I should have given you a heads up. Right. But on the other hand, you're boring. Like you have the ability to travel through space on a bogey board and... I do cool stuff. Like what?

Well, after I saw Darrell Hall, I went to a funny t-shirt store that had pretty cool funny t-shirt. What was the funniest? They were very crude and I just thought that was funny. You don't even remember one? I remember, yeah. One of them had the C word on it with no context I was like, that's hilarious.

No context. Yeah, man, it was pretty good. It's pretty funny. Yeah, like a pair of booty shorts that say Mike's property. I haven't heard of those before, but if I see him, I'm getting them. For me, the C word is chromosomes

because I only, I have 63. That's so many. It's not the right number. I can't, because... Did you get all the chromosomes from both? Horses. Horses. and donkeys is 64 and 62.

I have 63, so I can't have kids with either. It's rough. That's like nine buckets of chromosomes. All right, that's our show, everyone. Carl Tarts. I said Will. Oh, you did? Yeah.

Very much, St. Louis. We love you so much. Get some pizza on your way out.