Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2024 Tour, Washington D.C. (Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Carl Tart, Lisa Gilroy)

Episode Date: June 25, 2026

Live from D.C., Scott brings to the stage performer Big Chunky Bubbles, diary-keeper Bridget Jones, and jingle-makers The Jingleheimers. Special thanks to Warner Theatre! This episode was recorded on June 17, 2024. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to another bonus bang, where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from Behind the Paywall. And, you know, we're out there on the road right now with the 2026 ground beefing tour. And because of that, we decided this is maybe the perfect time to release live episodes that we've done in the past. So you can hear for yourself what a good time it is to come out and see us. And so this week's bonus bang is the latest in the series that we're calling Globetrot with Scott, where we're featuring some of our very favorite live episodes from previous tours. This one is called 2024 tour Washington, D.C.

It was recorded at the Warner Theater on June 17th, 2024, and this was the fifth show in that tour. And who do we have? We have Paul F. Tompkins as big chunky bubbles. We have Lily Sullivan as diary keeper, Bridget Jones. And we have Carl Tard and Lisa Gilroy as jingle makers Lark and Hartley Jingleheimer. So this is a good one. As you'll hear, our live shows are a lot of fun. We have the funniest guests, the greatest crowds. So come on out and join us. We want to see you. You can catch me along with Paula Tompkins and the CBB All-Stars. And we're touring North America, the UK, and Ireland. So you can check out all of the tour dates and buy tickets at CBBworld.com slash tour. Now, if you enjoyed this episode and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, as well as other shows like CBB Presents and Scott hasn't seen, the next.

neighborhood listen, college town. Become a subscriber at CBBworld.com. Not only do we have all of the past episodes from

the CBB archives, ad free, every live show we've ever done, ad free, new episodes, more original shows, but we also

are putting out every live episode from the tour we're currently on the very next day after the performance. That's for our maximumist subscribers.

Now we're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Washington, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or sir, I can't see you.

Ooh, those are good seats. Hmm, we paid to be late. Got to do this. Here we go, ready? If this was your catchphrase, you'd be home by now. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to producer pants for that catchphrase submission. Welcome to Comedy Bang, bang.

What an exciting night. We're back here at the Warner Theater. Yes. My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Dang. We have an incredible show here for you tonight. I'm going to talk for a bit to stall while everyone finds their fucking seats, I guess. Front row.

And this is how you treat it. We have a great show. Coming up on the show, a little later, we have an artist. We have a writer, and we have relatives of mine. So this is very, very exciting. And we're back here at Washington, D.C., of course, our nation's capital. Very important this November. Pokemon go to the polls.

One of the most embarrassing things I think ever said. Who here is never? been to a comedy bang bang show before. Very nice to see you. It's not what I meant to ask. Who here has never heard Comedy Bang Bang before? Really? Okay, welcome to the show.

Maybe someone's explained it to you, but that's part of my job here is to explain what's going to happen. We are going to have several guests out here. It's a lot like a talk show. I'm the host. We're going to have guests out here, and we're going to be having conversations with these guests. These are conversations that have never been had before, unless Alley Peterson comes out, in which case

some of the information may have been covered before. These are conversations that will never be had again. We will be transcribing every single thing that has said and make sure to never, ever use actually any of the words that we used here tonight ever again. So I'm going to try to avoid the... It's an important one. And we're going to have a good time tonight.

That explains it, right? I need a verbal confirmation. Okay. But before we get to that, we have a very important piece of business to get to. Some people know what I'm about to talk about. Take your time. What did you get?

The world's largest beer? Not making icons. at all. Uh-oh. Immediately turning away. We are about to do something. It's the most exciting 15 seconds in podcasting.

We're about to do the balcony report. Now, the balcony report, the people in the balcony were very excited. You should not be. Because this is not to highlight the people sitting in the balcony. You paid $20 less for your seats? Fuck you.

These are my people. This guy. This is merely to instruct everyone here in the theater, as well as the people listening at home, as to how many balconies are in each venue in which we perform. Yeah. You'd like to know that, wouldn't you? You're all facing this way.

You can't see behind us. And now there is an exciting new wrinkle to the balcony report on this tour. We are going to be counting. not only the balconies in each venue, but the balconies as we go. And as I say that, I'm realizing I've lost my place already. Let me mentally tab you. Sorry, I know you can't see that, but a very large bug came at me. The Warner Theater.

Someone said, yeah, okay. Yeah, you're, yeah. Hmm. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.

Huh. Huh. So five total so far? Thank you. Thank you very much. Well, let me tell you how many balconies are in the Warner Theater, home of the bugs that attack the performers. Warner Theater, I am proud and pleased as punch

to announce that the Warner Theater has one balcony, which... To a grand total, thus far, On the bang, bang, bang, into your mouth tour, 24. To six balconies! Yeah. It's got to be exciting by the end. Can you imagine how many balconies that'll be?

That'll be in the hundreds by then. At this point, we're in the first week. Six. All right, I think everyone's here. Are you ready to start this show? We have a great one for you tonight. Let me bring out our first guest. He is the aforementioned artist.

He is a artist who works within a very specific medium And that medium is bubbles Please welcome big chunky bubbles to the stage Hi there, BCB Hmm I don't know how I feel about that But okay Seems very early in the tour to be talking to you

Really? Aren't you glad to be getting me out of the way Some nicer people are coming. Not really. Oh, poor you. It's wonderful to see you, Big Chunky Bubbles. Is it? Be honest.

Look, I know we've had our differences in the past. Sure. But I'd love to say, clean slate from here on out. You treat me with respect, and I'll treat you with respect. So it's conditional upon how

I treat you? Yes. Well, you're the host of the show. Okay, I will treat you with respect. You'll pardon me if I ask you questions that annoy you. Why? Why would I do that? Because I'm not intentionally trying to annoy you. Yes, my actions may cause annoyance. I don't know where I'm going with this. You're saying it's just in your DNA to be. annoying and there's nothing you can do about it. I don't think it's that necessarily, but I do believe that you are irritated at the slightest offense. The slightest offense.

So there's some offenses I should just let go. See what you're saying? See, it's starting already. I'm genuinely trying to communicate with you. You are yelling at me already. This is just how I said. All right. Clean slate.

Clean slate. We're going to have a good conversation. Yeah, let's try. That's right. Now, this is not for me necessarily. This is for the people out there in the audience, but we need to go over some of your details. Are you kidding me?

This is the million of time I've been on the show. You are, first of all, your stage name is big chunky bubbles. That's correct. You have a real name. As we all do. And it is... Do we need to tell people? I really think they need to know.

All right. My real name is Pidiamine. Now, is that a name you go by around the house and with your friends, or do you insist upon big chunky bubbles? Do you think when the Phantom of the Opera is hanging out with his gang? They call him the Phantom of the Opera? They probably call them Jules or whatever. That's an interesting question. I don't think they ever refer to him because he's always going, Christine, Christine.

You know? Don't make me, don't please I'm begging you. Don't take my man. That's fun. We're having fun. We're having fun already. I'm always prepared to say I like you and that we're friends. Okay, we'll see if we get to that.

We're getting there. Now, I mentioned to the people that you are what we call, or the medium in which you work is bubbles. Yes. You are a bubble artist. I'm a bubble artist. I work exclusively with soups, stews, and chowders. You, so few people appreciate it. You know, people look down on bubble artists,

and I think that's unfair. They look down on them in terms of the way people just look down on all artists, or... No, even other artists look down on bubble artists. Really? Do you think it's... Are we allowed to talk about... totem poles. I don't know if allowed is the idea. We probably just shouldn't.

Hierarchy is a better word. Pecking order, I guess we could talk about. Uh-oh, you're gonna offend some chickens. We have a pecking order. Every time I've seen chickens, they just look like they're all over the place. You're telling me that's a system? So you believe bubble artists are the lowest in the high- No, I don't believe that.

I'm saying other people believe that. Okay, please don't get annoyed with me. Well, listen to yourself. Again, that's just a mistake. You know what? That's fair. Okay. I apologize. And I apologize for making a mistake.

Hmm. Day taunt. Perestroika. Nostrovia. You think that all other artists look down on bubble art. And there's nothing lower? I mean, like, it used to be balloon artists were the lowest. And then that stupid decooning got involved.

He made that sculpture of the balloon animal. And now all of a sudden, they're legitimate. Am I thinking of the right guy? Dacoon's. What's the guy's name? Coons. Coons? Jeffrey?

Yes, they say. Yes. You idiot. This is what they're saying. To you. To be honest, I had no idea who you were even talking about. You haven't seen the famous sculpture

of the balloon dog? Where would this be? He made more than one. They're all over the place. And then there was a big deal where some lady with a backpack knocked one over. And they're like, oh no, this precious work of art.

Who cares? Make 500 more. If anything needs to be 3D printed, it's that stupid thing. Are there some here in D.C.? Yeah, right? What? Imagine there were 80 Mona Lisa's. Who would care?

I would go see at least one of them. You'd go there or you get, like, you happen to be there and you take a look. If I was passing by and, like, there was a Mona Lisa on the corner or whatever, I would. On the corner. Like with a hot dog cart? That's the image I have in my mind of what you're talking about, though. Are they just not out in public? They're in museums.

And there's a, there's, how many museums are there in the world? Are you kidding? Come on. What is this, Japanese? How many do you think there are? A hundred. I'll go, prices, right rules. Are we saying just art museums? Then you get into,

modern art museums? Yes. It's a fool's errand. So now do you have the big hoop and everything that you do? Of course I do. Yeah. We call it the hoopla.

Isn't that fun? That is fun. Yeah. And so you have... And the little hoop is called the hooplet. And you, when you perform, you perform with large terrains of... I have several terrains. of various soup, stews, and chowders

before me, and they're on, you know, those sterno things. The term escapes me at the time. At the time. Right now is the time. Why can't I think of what they're called? Sterno... Hold on, let's take this to the audience.

Who knows what they're called? Shafing dishes. Shafing dishes, of course. perfect name for that. You know how food chafes when it goes down your throat? Yeah. Well, you gotta keep it chafed. So you, do you allow the audience

to sample the stews, soups, and chowders before you do your act? No. Because they could contaminate it in some way. That would make, it would make an impact on the integrity of the bubbles. So instead, these are, it's like watching Top Chef, you know,

like you watch people make delicious food and then you're sitting there hungry and you're like well I want to eat some I assure people at the top of every show that these soups, stews, and chowders are terrible and then what I will do is dip a

spoon in there take a sip and go ooh sort of wave against your face like it stinks I hold my nose pee P-U are people enjoying this Getting down into the business of what I do in an almost serious way.

Remember, I'm not real. What? What? Oh, never mind. I thought I heard something. So, yeah, so you blow these... Do you blow? I don't blow the bubble.

You never blow. I've always imagined you blow. Sometimes I do. In my off time. Oh, really? Yeah, I'll buy one of those containers of... with a little wand. I'll dump the bubbles out, put some soup in there.

I'm wasting two things. So in any case, everyone has a mental picture of what you do. I hope so. You do the big long bubbles. I'll do a big oblong bubble. I'll do a huge circular bubble. I'll do a sort of squared off bubble.

Bubble inside a bubble. The whole smear. Do you ever do that? like you smoke a cigarette. Oh, that guy? The guy with the blonde ponytail for those old YouTube clips. Gross.

I do employ dry eyes from time to time. Do you really? Yeah. Okay. One time I reenacted the story of Frankenstein. Making all the body parts with the... The whole thing. Dr. Frankenstein having the idea.

So like a light bulb above his head? Yeah, you saw it? No, that sounds so complicated. He recruits Igor to strap the man down. Where was Igor recruited at school? Probably from some temp agency, I would imagine, of assistance. This is a guy who does clerical work. Got in over his head.

So now, what are you doing these three? I was afraid you were going to ask me. that. You seem to be very upset we were going over previous details. I was going to stick to those. I know, but it's embarrassing. What's happened? Is that why you're here in Washington, D.C.? Yeah.

Our nation's capital. I was going to do a big event. Do you remember when David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear? The Statue of Liberty Biberty? Where's that one? No idea. But yeah, I was

watching it live. Yeah, it was very a huge event. In fact, I was at my grandmother's house and I made my parents turn it on. Are you sure it wasn't a wolf in disguise? That happened sometimes. I checked. Hey, how'd you get there?

Through the woods? What about the river? Did that give you any trouble? Over the river and through the woods. The grandmother's house we go. Sure. I'm trying to have fun on your level. No need to stoop down to my level.

I think podcast host is beneath bubble artist. Oh, I wish that were the case. But one time the smartest guys made fun of me. They're just passing by as a group. As a group. They're real friends in real life. Isn't that nice? That's very nice.

That's why they started the show. Yeah. They also just wanted some free money. I love when money is free. Yeah. Isn't that the best? So what are you doing here? Well, I was going to do a big bubble show

on par with the extravagance of David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear. And then eventually some allegations made him disappear. Maybe the Statue of Liberty was... Oh! Revenge! The statue's revenge. Starts making rumors. Did you hear this about David Copperfield?

Yeah, well, that was a big deal, big junkie bubbles, as you recall, because not only was it a very large monument, but it was so symbolic of America and our freedoms. And, yeah, to make that disappear, ooh, that would be like making something like, you know, the Second Amendment disappear or something like that. Don't say that even as a joke. So what were you going to do as your huge, huge act?

I was going to fill the reflecting pool at the Capitol. with lobster bisque. And for the 4th of July, I was going to reenact Washington Crossing the Delaware in bubbles. I know. It would have been beautiful.

It's very ambitious. Were you going to have it be permitted or were you going to try to sneak in the night before? I wasn't going to sneak. First of all, I was not going to make it permanent. I don't know how I would even do that. No, I said, permitted.

Oh, yes, permitted. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It turned out the permit I got was phony. No. Thanks for being on my side. That's how I felt.

Where did you get this phony permit? I sent away for it. I saw a thing online that said, you can get a permit for anything. And it was a guy, like a weird-looking guy, and he was wearing a suit that was covered in permits. He reminded me of that guy with the... Yeah, that guy.

How did he get away? He wore the question mark suit. What about the Riddler? That was... How did they get... He should have gotten sued. Anyway, I thought, okay, great. There was a form, and it said,

fill out the form, what you want the permit for? And they didn't have one specifically for what I was looking to do. So I had to go all the way down to other. It's a long trip. They had permits for everything. Of course they did. It was fake.

What were some of the permits you had to go through before you got down to other? Permit to climb a building like a human fly. Permit to eat a boat. Is that on my strange addiction? Guy eating boats? No, because there's no problem. permit for it.

Permit to be a human millipede. Millipede? Yeah. Oh, no. That was disgusting. There was a picture. And so, you send away for how much, do you mind me asking how much you paid for this?

It's embarrassing. It couldn't be too embarrassed. We've all been scammed before. I mean... Have we? Sure. It would make me feel better. Has anyone here been scammed before?

It's more common than you think. Actually, not. many people. Mainly in the balcony, which kind of makes sense. How much do you think I paid for it? Probably $100.

I wish. 200, maybe. Uh-uh. Higher. 220? I mean, go higher than that. $500. I guess I should just tell

you. I took out a loan. I thought this was gonna be my ticket to the big time. No, you took out like a mortgage or? Yeah, I took out a triple mortgage on my home. Triple. Yeah. Why is that even allowed?

How much did you end up paying for this? $250,000. It shouldn't be allowed. Also, Venmo shouldn't go that high. What did you put in the note on VendM? Mo. Permit. And an emoji of a piece of paper. I should have done the emoji of the money

flying away. So you come here to Washington, D.C. I come here to Washington, D.C. Does this sound like I'm doing the Gettysburg Address or something? Sort of. It sounded like you're about to deliver a powerful speech. So you come here. And you arrive with all of your

trains. Yeah. Your chasing. Chafing dishes. Exactly. Were you going to put... What was the body of water again? The reflecting pool at the Capitol. Were you going to put that in a chafing dish and have the sternos and everything?

No, it's just water. I thought they'd drain it for me. So you arrived thinking it was going to be drained. Yeah. And I showed up. It was still full of that dumb old water. And I saw the nearest ranger, and I said,

What's this? What's this? Why is this full of water? And he said, it's a reflecting pool. And I said, I know what it is. Then we have that Aber and Costello routine back and forth for about 20 minutes. So very similar to our conversations. Again.

And at the end of the conversation, you realized you'd been had? Well, I showed him the permit. and he looked at it and he frowned and he showed it back to me and I have to admit after I saw him look at it

it didn't look very official it was just a piece of paper that said permit on it I thought there was a code or something maybe a hologram you know like a QR code or something and then you realize you'd been duped

yeah wow A lot like, you know, some of the other people who showed up to Washington, D.C. About four years ago. Only good intentions. And then, that's a terrible, terrible story. You must have bought not only this fake permit, but so many gallons of lobster bisque. So many gallons of lobster bisque. And that's an expensive soup.

It is. And I had a big, it was like, like a cement mixer parked outside. I obviously couldn't drive it right up to the reflecting pool like I wanted to. Boy, that was a conversation that went on for a while. They almost taste me, bro. So where is all the soup now? Is it just spoiled at the soup?

No, I've been eating it every day. I have the cement mixer on so that it doesn't spoil. It keeps it fresh. that's a cooking hack by the way if you don't want to store something just keep it moving put some some soup in a tupper

slap it on a Roomba last forever I don't know can we salvage this somehow can why are you asking me I want to help you that's why

why are you getting that at me some ideas I've been living with this for days now you just told me why are you can we salvage bitch this somehow.

Went right for your angry, open shouting mouth. And a bug shows up. And of my woes be at... Maybe we could brainstorm ideas, you know. Okay, start. Eating out of a cement mixer for days. I need some help. That's like if you went to the doctor,

the doctor said, what do you think's wrong? What would you do here? So I'm the doctor in this analogy. I'm the guy who's supposed to fix all of your problems. you said you wanted to help then you asked me what I thought we should do but if I had any ideas I would have done it stop looking at the bug

I was like could I stomp on it like a house cat wish I'd brought a laser pointer keep you occupied so no I don't have any ideas how to fix it Maybe you could Like as a protest

You could dump all the soup You know Where Maybe they You know the capital It's got that nice dome on it You know what I mean? It is nice

Maybe it could be turned upside down And Does it open the top So they can get some air Like the Astrodome Sorry the minute No it is the Astrodome Minutemate Park.

Oh, is it no longer the Astrodome? Yeah, everything's named after a product now. Yeah. Oh, you could get a product. Is there a famous lobster bisk company that would sponsor this? If you have to ask, I'm guessing no. Is there a famous lobster bisque company? Well, the most famous company that has lobster involved is probably...

Red Lobster. Take your ass to Red Lobster. That's right. If, you know, it's condition. If one meets certain thresholds. There's one requirement. Maybe you could get Red Lobster involved and they would probably be able to grease the wheels over there.

To get the dome of the Capitol turned upside down? And then what happens? I put the lobster biscuit there and then what? That would be amazing. People would be, and then you make big bubbles out of it. Where am I? I'm up there on the rim of the Capitol Dome. Yeah, you're like, you know, you got those, that hover pack, you know.

Now I have a hover pack. I should have followed your first instinct. You don't have any ideas. What are you going to do, just turn tail and run? That's not the big chunky bubbles I know. Well, now I'm ashamed. You have grit. You have determination.

You think so? You're the guy who didn't give up after you horribly... Mained your wife. Yes. You're still out there. You're still doing it. Anyone else would have, you know, stopped performing

and probably committed suicide. You're still out there. Sorry, I was lost in thought for a second. I mean, I guess there's no harm in asking Red Lobster. If they participate in this, I guess they could finance the overturning of the Capitol Dome.

Sure. They would love to be involved in overturning the Capitol. If at first you don't succeed. Red Lobster? Everybody went there. What? This is like the Arby's on sunset that's closing. Big news on the tour today.

A place that no one ever went to is closing. Oh, no. That had the drive-thru menu right next to someone's apartment window. That's right. I think, I think, uh, you can do it. I mean, you know, you need to... Well, now I find... Red Lobster's gone chapter 11.

Yeah. Maybe you could get a, you know, I mean, look, a stunt like this could maybe get Joe Biden a lot of attention. Oh, Joe Biden, the president? Sure. Joseph Robinette Biden? Do you think he... He'd sanction this?

Sure. I mean, he's looking to make. He wants to do something noisy. Call him. Joey, baby. Hello. Hey. Hey, Scott.

What are you doing? What's happening? We're over at the Warner. Great theater. Everybody. You know, America, people say in theater, theater is important. What are you up to? You over there?

It's, uh... You know, people have to... people ask the question, what are you doing? I say, I'm playing Stratigo. Five, wears a hat, wears his top hat, and then one guy is the helmet with a spike on. Listen. Yeah.

Look, it's this simple. America. Right. Yeah. Hey. Yeah. Hey, I wanted to ask. Yeah, shoot.

I'm here with a friend of mine. Big Chunky Bubbles, he's an artist. What kind of? Balloon. People said, but you know, first in flight, when we Kitty Hawk, they said balloon, we keep going.

Yeah. It's kind of similar to that. He's a soup bubble artist. But, no. Look, it's simple. It's simple. Artist, you can't, when soup.

Yeah No, I know But he's kind of in a bind What do you need? What do you need? He's in a bind Is he way behind? Yeah

Is he looking to make a deal? Yeah Yeah, he's looking to make a deal And he has an idea for your campaign That would be really spectacular and noisy Listen, if you donate right now, We're going to match it by 6,000%. It's a lot.

Yeah, it's almost like, oh, if we can do that, why do we need to ask for money? But give it anyway. Well, we had this... If you don't vote for me, I'll be humiliated. Humiliated. Not in America. In America?

Yeah. We had this idea. We thought it would be really fun for a campaign event if we were to, you know, open up the capital, the top, you know, like the Astrodome. Yeah. And turn it upside down. Yeah.

Minamade. And then turn it upside down and then... Orange juice. Yeah. Drink it. Morning. Morning. Yeah.

That's when you drink orange juice. And then we would... My friend here has a lot of lobster bisque and we would pour it into the... It would look like a bowl if you were to turn it upside down. And then he would make... lobster bisque bubbles that would say vote for Joe Biden in November. Let me tell you something. Yeah.

Let me tell you something. Yeah. Let me tell you something. Sure. This country, honest working people, sit around the kitchen table. Want to know Bisk? How do we do it? And the answer is simple.

America. Consider it done. It's going to happen. It's going to happen. Top priority. Great. I'll have my assistant follow up with all the details. I've got to go.

I'm about to get four across diagonally. All right. Thanks, buddy. Bye-bye. Well. Exciting news. What? He says it's going to happen.

We're going to do this. Really? Yeah. We're going to do this. do this. We didn't get into the details, but I... Oh, no. This sounds like when I bought a phony

permit that just said permit on it. No, this is the real guy. And you have his phone number? Yeah, of course. All that work I did with making Hillary's Between Two Ferns episode that everyone on speed dial, or

you know, regular dial these days. It's pretty quick. You just press a button. I guess that's true. There's no such thing as speed dial anymore. That's kind of sad. It's sad, isn't it? Yeah, I guess in office phones. I wonder.

You're going to say, do you? Should we roleplay this? Sure. Who am I? You're the office drone, and I'm the boss. And I come into the office. Good morning, everybody. Working hard.

Good, good. Don't steal pens. Hello, Glass. How you doing, boss? Gladys, I've asked you not to smoke in here. I'm sorry, I'm just so fucking addicted. Hey, language. English, thank you very much.

I need you to call another company for me, because we do business with them. Just any company we do business with? No, ABC Company. They sell one, two, three. No problem, boss. Should I stop typing this memo? Yeah.

What's the memo, by the way? This is a memorandum about all of the all of the holidays that we're taking off this year. Uh-huh. Such as? Such as, of course, July 4th. Yeah, Independence Day. Sure. The day our country was born.

Same day. I'm just elucidating. You're not counting those as two separate holidays, I hope. Uh, Christmas Day. Right. Legal holiday. The end. Okay.

We work hard. Yeah. So call the ABC Company. All right. Here I go, boss. Why is the phone so far away? I sustained a work injury. What happened?

I fell on my elbow. Maybe your head, too? Could, do you mind pushing that a little bit closer for Gladys? I'm the boss. But here, reach around this old Remington. Give it the reach around. There you go. Let me see.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me you don't have them on speed? That isn't a thing anymore? Even on these phones? Not even on these phones. It was just continued in 2003. Because of cell phones? I don't know.

Who am I the fucking Pope? Gladys? You're fired. You can't fire me because I quit. Good. Get out. This is my house. You should have thought about that before you had such a shitty attitude. I'm changing the locks.

I don't know and I don't care. We've been married for 45 years. You can't do this to me. Oh, that took me out of the scene when you mentioned being married. Always a pleasure doing improv with you, big chunky bubbles. Is that our first time? Not bad. Well, Big Chunky B'Aub...

Bajalda. Were you going to call me Big Chunky B. Elzebub? Of course not. That's the devil. Big Chunky Bubbles. I think you're on the path to getting this done. It's very exciting. I need a win.

You really do. Can you imagine you up there on the big, you know... The rim of the Capitol Dome? Sounds very dangerous now that we're talking about it. Fireworks going off behind you? What? Nobody's going to look at the bubbles. They would be illuminated by the bubbles. Maybe they could be...

The fireworks would be illuminated by the bubbles? It's even worse. Or maybe you could do bubbles in the shape of fireworks. Walk me through that. Or did someone say, Jesus in the crowd. Jesus. That makes me feel less alone. We'll work out all of the details.

All I have to say is this is very exciting. You're back on top. Oh, thank you, Scott. I'm glad we're friends now. We're friends. Big Chunky Bubbles, everyone. Congratulations. And also with you.

We have to get to our next guest. Okay. Can I get a Jesus for that? Are you excited to talk to another human being? as much as I've always been well I mentioned at the top of the show you're the artist I mentioned but we also have a writer

here on the show okay she is a best-selling writer she has written the diaries that a very popular movie is based on please welcome Bridget Jones

me diary is fucking mental absolutely it's wonderful to see you Would you like to have a seat? Not really? Hi, Bridgetown. How are you doing? Everybody good up here.

I'm going to be nice to you tonight. All right, wonderful. I promise. Wow, Washington, D.C. I love it. I love America. As one can tell, you are not from America. You're from across the pond.

I'm from England. I'm from the Yorkshire. Yeah, but I love America. Don't get me wrong. I love the royal family. I love Big Ben, all the stuff in UK. But I love America, like pajamas in the airport, like Billy Ray Cyrus.

Who else? What else? McGruff the crime dog. McGrath, yeah, love him. TV in the daytime. It's wonderful here. We have a lot of freedoms that other countries don't have. Yeah, it's mad free over here.

I love freedom. I love an independent woman, most of all, yeah. Where they are? Face about the ladies screaming. We, of course, we originally were from your country, and then we severed ties. Yeah, I know. Listen, if I lived in old-fashioned days, I know for sure.

would have been on the side, being like, listen to me, king or queen. Let them invent a hot dog. Like, let them... Jazz music? Yeah, let them make their hummers. Like, let them do what they do best.

It's just mental. It's mental. Yeah. A lot going on with the royal family out there. We just saw Kate Middleton a couple of days ago make an appearance. Yeah, she, out, she's alive and well,

well, not well. She's out there in these streets, you can't argue with that. She's in the streets. Everybody who was all about the conspiracy, like, I was in it for a minute on TikTok, I was like, I think she, you know, went away. But she's back.

Your suspicion was that she went away? Well, I thought she went to, like, I don't know, somewhere else in Europe, Belgium or something. Ibiza. Where? Ibiza. Abitha.

Are you Spanish? Listen to that. You're freaking fluent. I know that word. Definitely. Yeah, Ibitha. Ibiza. But it has a Z in it, a lot of people would...

I learned to say it too. It's fun to say. Ibiza. Ibiza. You've been through Ibiza? Thi. See. See.

But we're not here. here to talk about England or Abita? No, no, we're here to talk about you, Bridget. You are, of course, the author of these wonderful diaries that the movies were based upon, the movies that Renee Zelliger either won the Oscar for. She didn't win the Oscar. Mental.

I don't know. No, listen, so like 23 years ago, something like that, these Hollywood people come up to me, Can we buy your diary? We want to make a... How did they know about it? It was fucking thick. Biggest diary like the whole world's ever seen.

I think a Guinness record. Really? Do we need to... Do we need to verify that? Oh, it's thickest diary. Thickest diary is what you think it was? I'm pretty positive. All right, let me call.

But there's not... I didn't know. Let me call. You got Guinness. Freddie. Scotty. Yeah, baby. Do I make you horny?

What's going on, my man? Hey, I have someone here who claims they won one of your records. Oh, really? Yeah. Interesting. Oh, I'm listening. Who do you think it is? Is it that guy with the really long fingernails?

close this person has long fingernails yeah move them out just for you I hear a woman's voice is that lady

with a really long hair she's got long hair but I don't think she won the record for that she does longer than mine Scotty I'm out of guesses let me just solve your problem

then because who I have right here is supposedly the record holder for the thickest diary. Thickest diary. I know who this is. Who do we got? Is it Bridget Jones? Did he say it? You want to say hi? Sure. What's up, man? How you doing?

Bridgety! So good to hear from you. It's been too long. You're across the pond, too, right? you. I'm in Ireland, that's right. You're having some of that bread. I love the Irish bread. Oh, I love it so much. Also, by the way, somebody backstage named

Bread was helping me. His name was Bread? Something like that. I think his name was Bread. Yeah, whatever, Bread. That name holds the record for Most misunderstood name. Most people don't even realize there's a name

Brett. They think it's bread. That is absolutely mental. What's he saying? Is he talking about me? Yeah, we're talking about you. Yeah. Are you being cheeky? What?

You're being cheeky. You're being cheeky, meister. You cheeky maister. You cheeky little piece of mouse. You cheeky, you cheeky little mouse carcass. Ginger baby mouse. You little polka-dotted, pig-tailed packaderm mouse. You little sick hamster.

Okay, okay. I love talking with you. Okay, well, I'm too horny to keep talking. Same. Okay, so good to talk to you. All right. I'm going to say goodbye like a British person. Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye.

Bye, bye-bye, bye-bye. Bye, Fred. Bye, Scott. Call me anytime. Anytime. Any time. Okay, we're coming to Ireland. No.

Yeah. Are you kidding me? In September. What's the date? I think 9-11. Oh, boy. I knew you were going to bring up 9-11. How far in the show will be, 30 minutes?

It's okay, it's 11-9 over there. Yeah, it's better. It's not as sad. It's better. Am I going to see you, buddy? I hope so. I can't make any promises. Okay.

I might have to do some work on the book. Okay, love you. I love you, too. I love both of you. Love you, Bridges. Bridges says she loves you. Love you, bridge. Love you, bye.

You hang up first. I don't want a man. I know, I don't either. He's getting too horny. You gotta hang up. Hang up same time, ready? Okay, three. Two, wait, on zero or on one?

Zero. Okay. Three. Two. Nose. Nose. One. Zero.

You still there? Yes. I know. I am going to talk to Bridget. Okay, goodbye. Okay, love you. Bye. Love.

I was mental. Who was there? Oh, sorry. We just had to get confirmation that she got that. I had the mad thickest diaper in the history of the world. Yeah, mad thickest. So it was confirmed. It was confirmed, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. So that's wonderful. So you have the thickest diary. So the thickest diary says these Hollywood execs come, they're like, we want to buy a thick-ass diary off of you. I was like, yeah, whatever. It's like, I brought a new one every fucking once in a little. I sell it to them.

This big freaking movie, Scott. Yeah, two. Two movies. So they went from two to four? No, they're skipping the third. No, this is what I did me. What? This must be like a Mandela effect.

There can't be three. There's three. There's Bridges Jones's driver, original. Right. We all saw it. Ding, don't. No, boo, it's much better. Because then, so there's British Jones's driver,

than Bridget Jones's Diary, Edge of Reason. Bridget Jones's Diaries baby. Bridget Jones's Diaries Baby. Where she has a baby. And guess what? This is so mental about this one. Edge of Reason, it's got Zell Wiggas Renee. It's got hog grunk.

And it's got a fucking colon fart. Wait, hog-hoo? Hug grunk. Hug grunk. Oh, wait, the famous lover of blowjobs. Yeah, look. Yeah. He might love the blow jobs.

He loves him so. He's so angry, Uber, Looper. He was like, he was like that guy and in the name of the father. He was like, I'll go to jail for this. I don't care. That's right.

Good for him. Don't we all love a good brojobs? Sure. I don't know that I'm willing to go to jail for it, but I'll take one. I'm not how to do it. So anyway, so. hug gronk and Colin Fart and stuff

they're in the first two movies, right? But then come round number three, Hmm. Grunk. Does she marry one of them in... She kind of marries one of them. She marries, yeah, she marries Colin Fart. But then they get divorced or something.

Oh, okay. And so it'd be a long thing. I want to talk about that. No, it's boring. Did this happen to you? Did you get divorced and... No. It's all just fake, right?

It's just... I'm like, where's the chlamydia? Like, where's the yeast infections? Where's the reality, right? Like, literally. I had a question, if I may. Yeah. You have the record for the thickest diary?

Yeah. Does that mean that you've been keeping a diary your whole entire life? I have since the room. So sorry. No, it's for the best. I was the best baby ever to be born and pretty sure you could check with the Guinness. I'm not sure we have time for another phone call, but...

But, well, I mean, that's, of course, everything that's happened to you. Are you still working on the diary? Well, yeah. And now they're coming out with a fourth movie, by the way. They're going to need material. Yeah, well, I'm like, I guess I've got to get the word out again that my diary, this is where I set this record straight. This is a good shit.

This is what they should be making the movie about. Not making Bridget Jones What About a Boy or whatever it's called. And that is the thick diary that you... This is a mad, thick diary. Wow. Look at this. I thought it was one of those dictionaries

you only find in the library. Yeah, Library of Congress. Yeah, I did my research. I'm on a mission, you know, from being honest. I want to get the word out. What are you saying? You want to get the word out.

I want to get the word. I want to get Joe Biden be my doctor. Why can't Joe Biden be my doctor? You mean like your general physician? Yeah. Or your gynecologist? Both. Who fucking thing?

Why I had to go to two different doctors? One, to look at my pussy. Want to look at the rest of me body, you know what I mean? Right? It's like certain doctors, yes. certain doctors just stop and they're like, oh yeah, that's all I need to know. And then other doctors are like, oh, I'll learn

a little bit more about the ear. Right, yeah. What about those foot guys? Come on. Come on. Creepy. Start at the feet and then say, I'm not going any further up.

We have a guest on this show, Dr. Henry Footman, I think. Or Harry Footman. Yeah, he's fucking mental. Weirdo. What part would you, if you were a doctor, what powers you want to look at the most? Look at.

And touch and feel and stuff. Maybe hands, are there hand doctors? Oh, that's fucking creepy. Oh, sick. Nasty. Put your little paws on it. Like foot doctors, they should do hands too, right? It's like, why are we...

It's the same fucking thing. Yeah, yeah. The doctor. Arms and legs. What's the deal? Flangies. Thundies. When you go to the doctor, they look at your balls and stuff.

Same, like, general physician. Yeah. Why got to go to a different one? It's always the most uncomfortable part, too, and mine is always like, I wish there was a better way, but... They're all... There are... It's the 21st century.

Yeah. It's like everything else we can do with tools. This? Gotta just put my finger in there. Oh, well. They never bothered to try to figure something else out? They can put cameras everywhere.

It's going to be AI soon. They're going to be feeling around in there. Just you wait. I would be a chin doctor. Hmm. Ooh. Because of Leno? Because of Jay Leno.

That is cool. Also because it rhymes with spin doctors. My favorite man. I didn't know that about you. I love spin doctor. What's your favorite song by them? Probably two princes. I mean, if I had to commit to a favorite.

Sure. Yeah. Second favorite? Ooh, boy, oh boy. Is it a tie with every other song they've made? Probably is, yeah. I mean, I love them all. Yeah.

So two princes just barely comes into the top spot. Yep. Yeah, but give us a title. The title of what? Oh, one of the fucking songs, man. Oh, of other songs? Yeah, just kidding. There's so many.

So, anyways. You have this diary. Yeah, I got me fucking diary, making the rounds, reading it up, trying to get your Biden being my doctor, look at my pussy. So, um, did you want me read a bit? I...

This audience, obviously, wants to hear some selections from your diary. This is mental, you guys are obsessed. Okay, here we'll go. The diary. It was a typical English morning in Washington, D.C. woke up to the sounds of morning Joe and Mika having sex near the cherry blossoms,

to the shop for a bit of slop, and to see the Washington Monument. ordered myself a puffy, plumpy pudding with a side of chunky country sauce. I'm telling me I need to get out. Something about me pushing the tourists in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, which is one third mile long and 18 to 30 inches deep. This man was in love with me and wanted to stuff me Gorkin and Marjorie me Taylor Green. But then again, who wouldn't love bridge?

It's mental. That happened this morning? Yeah, yeah. This happened, I've been here for a few days, you know, waiting for you guys to come to town. That makes sense. I've been bopping around, taking in the fight. Taking in the fights?

Yeah. There's mad fights in the streets. It's mental. Wow. Wow. You don't have any questions? I didn't know there was... You like that? All made perfect sense to me.

I didn't know there was another reflecting pool. Yeah, no, same reflecting pool. The one with the chunky bubbles. But it's the Lincoln Memorial? Not the Capitol Reflecting Pool? Yeah, but if you go to Library of Congress, that's what his formal name is. It's the one that Forrest Gump, like,

gets up to his navel in, right? What? Doesn't he swim in it or does his girlfriend? What porno is this? Did that movie win Best Picture? Yeah. What was going on? So, yeah, what question should I have about it?

Well, I don't know. I mean, I can keep reading, my guys. Where were you that they said... Oh, nothing? Give me a question. Yeah, where were you that the guard said you had to get out? Oh, I thought that... Okay.

There's guards everywhere. I forgot. They said you to get out. Then you revealed the location. Yeah, right. I'm sorry I wasn't paying good enough attention. It's fine, I guess, but it's like, literally, like, I love Americans. Like, don't make me not like them.

Are there snipers on the roof of that place? Yeah. Yeah. There's mad guns here. Yeah. You guys love it. Yeah. We're celebrities, so we have armed security detail everywhere.

That's why we're such hypocrites. Is that bread? Bread's your security detail. Do you have another entry there? Yeah, of course. Did I have an English morning in Washington, D.C. Woke up to the sounds of Joe Biden, falling up some stairs.

Falling up. Falling up. That is how he falls. It's a better way to fall. You don't hurt yourself as much. Plop to the cunk for a bit of nog. and to see the Jefferson Memorial Some donkey beefy bile

with a side of mangy mercensoff When all of a sudden The Secret Service be telling me That I need to get out Something about me kicking the tourists In the penises near the memorial Which was designed by New York City architect John Russell Pope

And Philadelphia contractor John McShane at me love with me and wanted to George me bush and feet me Buddha judge

but then again who wouldn't love beds yeah is it question time now it's always question time what's up

see you're you're kicking people's penises first I give him a big hug And then later in the show, I kick them in the penises. Why kick anyone in the penis?

That's a place that you don't want to be kicked in. Well, I didn't have brothers. I was her only child. I don't know if you heard, I fucking massacre my mom's uterus. Did she swallow a fountain? She had swallowed it earlier? Okay.

Yeah, she ate it. And in women's body, when you eat a pen, it goes straight to your uterus. Oh, I knew that. I knew. I have a question. Yeah. Is the Jefferson Memorial

the same as Monticello, or are they different things? There's the exact same thing. So, no other stuff. It's a busy day there. Oh, yeah. Mad crazy. Yeah. Was that today? Yeah.

So the Secret Service arrested you? Yeah. I think the service recipe, put me in the back of the clunker. But don't worry. It's edible? Yeah, made it twistless. What is it called again? The clunker.

The clunker? Okay. Is that a vehicle or a room, or what is it? It's like, you know, the back of a McDonald's. Yeah. Yeah, it's there. Okay. Say no more.

Visual confirmed. Are you a Terminator? Wouldn't that be nice? Oh, man. I wish. I can't wait for those Terminators to come take us over. Why won't they take over already? Who are no Schwarzenegger?

And the Skynet Corporation. Oh, yeah. I saw that movie over the pandemic. Remember? I do remember. It took you to the pandemic to watch that movie? Yeah. I haven't seen a lot of the classics.

Except for Bridger Jones, of course. Of course, yeah. Do you have another entry, Bridget? Yeah, I got... ...in in Washington, D.C., woke up to the sounds of insurrectionists getting off free. Plop to the nub for a bit of skunk, and to see the famous White House. To me self some fudgy, goopy, glory holes

with a side of yeasty pussy boys. Something about... me singing a star spangled banner a cappella to Janet Yellen in one of the 132 rooms, 35 bathrooms and six levels of the building Meag Clearly this man was in love with me

and wanted to chump me clump and four seasons me total landscaping and love bridge Bridget's Joe I want Jill Biden be my doctor You almost sounded like Adrian Brody introducing Sean Paul on Saturday Night Live. Ladies and gentlemen, the weekend. Salt and pepper.

The three best. The three best ones. Salt and pepper. All right, well, this is very exciting. I mentioned that some relatives of mine are here. This is the first time they've been on the show, and I certainly know their names by heart. Please welcome my aunt and uncle,

Lark and Harkley Jingleheimer. The Jingleheimer's. I'm not, I'm trying, I don't want to be silly. Hi. I'm a baby boy. See it, Scott. Do, do, do, do. Your aunt is singing to you.

Don't be because you're scoff. Turn around. Show them your little butt. Show them your butt, Scott. Oh, Scott. Everyone look at his little butt. Classic relatives. What a butt.

What a butt. Hi. Hi. W-U-T-B-U-T-T-T. I've got to sit closer to Lark. Of course, yeah. Of course my aunt Hartley. Right.

And my uncle, Hark. Yes. Don't forget my name. Scott, it's like you don't even remember us. Of course I remember. I mean, you're distant from me. Distant. Scott, your mom's a bitch.

It's stupid, Scott. Stupid, Scott. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Please, that's stupid. Scott, your mother was always afraid we were going to steal you.

We wanted you. You wanted to have me as your son? Yes, we wanted you to be our little mom. We wanted you, Scott. Don't be stupid. Don't be stupid. I don't want to be stupid. It's great to see you guys.

I feel like it's been a million years since we caught up. It's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you. Without a dope beat to step two. You guys like music, it seems. Oh, we love it. I love music, Scott. Don't be stupid.

And you live here in the city? We live everywhere, Scott. We live on a boat. We sail around the seven seas. Yes, we do. Singing. Singing, is that, yeah. Yes.

What do you do for, I mean, it's been a long time we need to catch up. What do you do for a living? It's been a long time. I should have left you without a dope beat to step two. Have you heard that one yet? Are you musicians by trade? Are you? Scott, you know what we do.

Don't be stupid. We wanted you. We wanted to adopt you. We wanted to make you ours. We wanted to lock you up in a bedroom and never let you go. We make jingles. You make jingles. We're the Jinglehemers.

I'm a hyphen because I'm divorced. Jingleheimer Schmidt. Divorce from whom? From Mr. Schmidt. And this is my first marriage, but I do cheat. Chow King, don't be stupid. God, I'd never. Say my name, say my name.

And no one is around you. Say, baby, I love you. You are not in game. Say my name, see my name. Can I just see if I have this string? You were married to a man named Schmidt. Mr. Schmidt. Mr. Schmidt.

So your name is Jingleheimer Schmidt. But now you're married to a man named Jingleheimer? I let her put the last name last. Don't be stupid. Don't be stupid. That didn't clear it up. Who are you? You're being stupid.

You're being ignorant. My name's big, chunky. Big Chucky bubbles. Sorry, these are my friends, Bridget. What is that? Hi, Bridget. Are you from another place? Yeah.

Across a pond. Maybe you've been on your fucking bow or whatever. What's it called? He's called hamps of your oxyars. Oh, gross. Nasty, disgusting. Stupid. Stupid.

Downright stupid. So you guys write jingles, and these are the songs that are used in advertising. Oh, we've done. You've named the product. Name the product. Name any product. Any product.

We've done the jingle for it. Shoes. Shoo, shoe, shoe, shoe, shoe, shoo baran. Shoe, shoe, shoe, shoo. Shoo, shoo baran. Stuff like that. Don't be stupid. Don't be stupid.

Don't be shoes stupid. Stupid. So you just took the Beach Boys Bob Aran and you put the... What are you talking about, Scott? Don't say things like that. No, that's a lie. That's a lie. We wrote that.

We wrote that. How many jingles have you written? Have you written ones that we would know? You should know all of them. You should have knew that one. You must don't watch television. Well, Lark, we can do one that they know. Something like, um,

the best part of waking up is raviolia. That one was me and Lark in the 80s. That was in the 80s. Do you remember the 80s? I don't even remember raviolia. What is that? You've never seen a woman's raviolia? I'd be stupid, Scott.

You've seen a raviolio. I used to show you magazines when you were a child. And there were advertisements for it? Alfie, she has a mad big ravioliolio. And when she's pregnant. Yes. The raviolia is dark as hell, Scott. That's a deep tomato sauce on that raviolia.

Please, Scott, I taught you everything you needed to know about women. And that was the first thing. I can't believe you've forgotten. all these years. When's the last time you had sex? LAR! Oh, no. I shouldn't have said that. I've been on tour, so a couple days ago?

Been collecting road beef? I'm thinking Arby's as well. Larg, do our jingle for Arbys. Bates. We've got a fan. Don't be stupid. We've got a fan. Don't be stupid. I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Did you guys do the pizza bagels one?

Of course. I've been a pizza bagel I've been a pizza bagel I've been a pizza bagel I've been a pizza bagel Is somebody gonna match my cheese Is somebody gonna match my bagel Yeah, that's it

You don't remember that one? So, yes, yes I've got so many questions for you. It's been so long You have questions for me, I don't, I mean... We missed you last time we saw you and you're just a little dink. It's been a long, yeah, I don't want to say that again. Been a long time. Been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

I was doing Led Zeppelin, but no one could hear me. We were hired in-house for Oreos. We do Oreos. In-house, in whose house? We made millions of songs for Oreos. I want to hear at least five more. What did you say, Scott? I'll spank your rump.

I will spank your rump. Don't make a spank it, Scott. Guys, spanking, please. He needs it. I'd love to hear some more Oreo songs. I love Oreos. Smore orio. Name a year.

Smoor. Some more. Name a year, Scott. Any year? Any year that we've got... 1412. No. Don't be stupid, Scott.

That's stupid. 1412. That was before Columbus sailed the ocean blue. From your piece of shit land. Yeah, no. I agree. I love America. How about 2012?

Ah, 2012. Lark knows every year and every song, don't you, Lark. 2012. I hear your heart beat. It was for double-stuffed. It never mentions that. Yes, it does. Listen closely.

Double stuff now. Yeah. Sounded like someone was saying double stuff while someone else was saying Oreo. That's how commercials work. Don't be stupid. Stupid. That's called subliminal messaging.

Stupid. I can't believe you. I'm gonna spank you, Scott. Please tell. I'm gonna wrestle you, Scott. Scott, let's spank you. You're gonna wrestle? You're gonna spank you in years.

Remember when we used to abuse you as a child? Your mom would drop you off and we would park the Ford F-150 on your head. And flatten it like a pancake. Remember that, Mark? And then we'd blow it back up with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. But we'd give you nasty thoughts. We'd think a nasty thoughts. thought we'd blow it through the straw up your nose and blow your head back up.

That's why you're such a fucking little freak now. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Oreos. Can I... Can I... With you, all I get is wild Oreos. Can I hear 1993?

Oh, the year we were married, life. Yes. You were married in 93. Were you working together before then? Of course. We've been working together since we were child actors. She was cheating on Schmidt with me. And you were child actors on the same show?

Yes, leave it to Beaver. Give it to Beaver. Remember that? That's the one we wrote for it, but they wouldn't take it. It wouldn't take it for some reason. 1993. One, two, three, and to the folks. Doggy, Doc, and Dr. Dre and Orioles.

Ready to make an entrance. So back on the... Because you know we're about to rip shit up. They're talking about the pack when you open. You're allowed to say shit? In an Oreo. On commercials in America, yes you can. We can say shit not commercials.

Can you do that in your piece of donkey ass country? Look. They don't have swearing over there. It's mental. Nobody swears. I had to learn all the crosswords here. And I swear. In the sky, I'll be there.

Like the shadows. It was part you with... That was 1995. Yeah. I do remember that one. Yes, of course. Yeah, it was a five-minute-long commercial. And there was nudity in it, remember?

That was nudity. It was nudity. If you looked closely that commercial, it was full of tittyes. And then we got sued by raviola. Raviola. They said, you can't do two commercials in one. We said, watch us.

Scott, where have you been? You haven't written to us. To be honest, I didn't remember you existed. I don't remember any of those childhood. I had a very painful childhood. I blocked most of it out. What did your mother tell you about us? Nothing. It was a surprise to me when you wrote to me to tell me that while we were passing through that you...

Oh, the police are coming. For you, you nasty pervert. You nasty pervert. You've been a nasty perv. You've been a nasty perv. Is somebody going to match Scott's freak? Scott, we sent 230 messages in a bottle to try and get to you

and we're glad that finally one got to you I'm not really a beachcomer so I Beachcombers Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Remember that thing? Remember that show?

I don't know It sounds a lot like to leave it to be for one Fuck you Make me come over there And squeeze those raviolios I want to see it. I apologize for Bridget. That's...

What? Me. And you... I heard it. You did. You know, big chunky bubbles over here. He has a big July 4th show that he's going to be doing. Maybe he could use a theme song or something like that.

Sure. Let me describe to you what my show is. And then maybe you can have inspiration for your theme come. The dome of the Capitol building is going to be inverted, then filled with lobster bits, then I will stand on the rim of it, making bubbles reenacting George Washington, crossing Delaware, while fireworks explode in the background.

Let's think, let's think. Okay, okay. I think I think I think something. something, you'll hate this. And I'm proud to be an American, well at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget

the lobsters that died, it gave this suit to me, and I proudly stand, because it ain't a... How was that? How did Oreos get in there? We are paid by them. Still? Yes, we're a lifetime car track.

Any song you write has to have Oreos in it? It has to. If we say high drugs, we'll be shot. I have a take on it, Lark. How about something like, well, I heard it was a Fourth of July thing. So something about, like, oh, baby, you're a chunky bub. You filled your toots and tummy up. You filled it up with goo, ooh, ooh, ooh.

So bend over to a poo. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Oreos. I guess the first one? Don't disrespect my wife. I'll bop you one. Do you guys ever do commercials across the pond? Well, you do a British commercial for one of the desserts I've been eating over there.

What desserts do you eat over there? Like, something like a goopy gurkin. Goopy gurka? A goopy gurkin inside of puffy plumpy pudding. Did you say a goopy gurkin? Like a tiny pickle? That's your dessert. You guys are awful.

That's what we eat there. Goopi gurkin. Start us off. Okay. Goopi Girk, goopi Gurg, goo, goo, goopi, goopi Gurg, goo, goo, gopigur, goo, gopigur, gopigur, gopigur, gopigur, gopigur, gopigug, gopigurg. Boom, boom, boom. That is really good. Smad horny at the end.

I'm changing my tune about you. Yeah, I'm pretty sexual, actually. I'd like to see you filled to the brim with goopygirks. Too late. I'm stuck. Yep, I can see one poking out the back of your throat. You should join us later. Mark and I are going to get a drink at the White House. Oh.

I love too. You guys into, like, into, like, tripod stuff or whatever. Tripods? That's what it looks like when Lark's standing up when it gets out of the shower. Yep, but he can lean right on it. I lean over like Michael Jackson in the dirty. Eddie Diana? Not there to any. What is it? Annie, are you okay?

Smooth criminal, yes. Thank you, Scott. Wow, my boy. My boy. Oh, Lord, be careful. God, God. Be careful, he's so little. Should I pick him up? Scott, let me pick you up.

Oh, Scott. Oh, Scott. Oh, no. Scott, your phone, I'll just take your text. Lark. Tripod and sometimes he's a kickstand. If you leans too long on it, I have to kick it out of the way and say, Lark, let's go.

And I fall forward. All of my front teeth are falling. Your own teeth are false. You got implants? Yes. Yeah, like Love Island style. I see them now. They don't have implants over there.

Yes, the dental is free, but the teeth are all pieces of gum. We did a chicklets commercial, and they gave like a full mouth. That is so nice. See, we're really generous over there. Chicklets. Kiss my ass, Britt. What? I can't tell if you.

guys are going to fight or fuck or we're going to do both. We're going to do both. How late is the White House open? I got to do the meet and greet afterwards, but maybe I could hang out. Join us at the White House. Are you crazy? We don't have a plus one. We already

used it on her. Yeah, I'm coming. Literally. So do you have any exciting work coming up? Do you have some new theme songs? Well, that's where you come in, Scott.

Yes. We thought maybe we could do a little theme song for your show. You don't seem to have one. No, it's a great one. Reggie Watts, you know. How do I explain him? Porquam. James Gordon.

Who? James Gordon. Is that a British person? I'm sorry I mentioned him. Don't pick me up again. Reggie Watts. the theme song already, but I would love to hear I mean, you know, maybe this could be a bake-off.

Maybe you do a better version, you know. Wow. Hun. Sure. Start us off. It seems like you should stay off. Oh, do I need to start one off? Would that please you?

Lark, don't let her get to your head. She's getting in my head. Stupid. What's the show called, Scott? Don't be stupid. It's just wrong. It's called Comedy Bang Bang. Oh.

You could point your name would be a. part of it. Oh, that's too bad, Scott. Scotty boy, Scottie toy. That's a QR code you could point your phone's at. And what? I don't know. It takes... I did it earlier. It takes you to the faces of death videos.

I love those. Rividing. Scott, it needs to have your name in it. Okay. How about this, hon? Yeah. Ready? Yeah. Some folks want a Scotty boy with a Scotty Toe. in the neighborhood.

Ooh. And that's it. I mean, it's not bad, honestly. Everybody loves S-C-O-T. There's another T, but... S-C-O-T. You can get yourself clean. You can wink on your dick.

You can eat a couple of... That's gone. It's kind of just as stupid as the one we have, so... for one week. Just one episode. Try their theme song and see if people like it. Maybe I think we're going to be in Durham tomorrow we could use it there.

Pick a year, Scott. What's that? Pick a year. Pick a year. We can make a theme song from you based off a song that we wrote during the year. Okay, 1986. 1986. Wow. Oh, Mark. Okay. So what do we have? That was the year we lost

our daughter. We lost our daughter. Yes. I'm so sorry. She was a stowaway on the Challenger. She wasn't supposed to be there, and we told her not to go. The weather conditions were poor. I like the weather. You like the weather?

Yes. Like just generally? Generally. Okay. 1986. Let me think... I believe Whitney Houston maybe put out her debut record. God, there's a mosquito.

Get away from my nephew. It'll bite you and spread West Nile. That puffed out of your own ass, isn't it? You're stinky and messy. 1986. Whitney Houston? Oh, Whitney Houston. God, fly me to the moon.

May our daughter rest in peace. Fuck strikes. Need a podcast that'll get me through this long... See, that person was... blocked by a parade, therefore they started listening to this, whatever this is. I think I followed the storyline. You got it? Yeah. Good. Don't be stupid.

You're stupid, Scott. I don't, yeah, I don't know. I don't know that one is going to stick, but... Try it for a week. A full week, big chunky bubbles. Yeah. Why don't you try it? Maybe I won't.

Yes? You're supposed to ask, Scott, we haven't seen in You don't want to ask us anything. That mosquito's going to beat you. Wait, do you have any other children? Thanks for bringing it up. We lost starlight to the moon. We had Spencer,

but you don't want to know what happened to whom. We lost him to gifts. That's right. He became addicted to watching gifts? No. He died in a little shop, and his horny spirit haunted. it forever. And some say

you can still see his ghost floating on a if you see the police Warner Brother T-shirt. He put his hand in one of those needle machines. Oh no. And he stabbed him and he bled out of his hand. Oh, no. He pushed too hard. He pushed too hard. Did you guys sing

at your kid's funeral? Of course. What did you sing? I'd love to hear. What did we sing? I'm sure it was something very moving. I bet rhymed a bunch too. Might have had like three verses. Should we do it?

And you definitely sang it together and harmonized the whole time. Well, some parts of harmony. Yeah. That's not what I said. Now I had the time of my life and I never felt this way before as I swam.

It's the truth. And I'll tell you I think they're gonna do the left I've been waiting all so long now I finally have someone to stand by me Now something something else can be crowded on the hands With me

My Thank you.