Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2026 Tour, Columbus (Paul F. Tompkins, Dan Lippert, Hannah Pilkes, Ryan Gaul)

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

This Bonus Bang is live from Columbus, Ohio! Scott welcomes to the stage our old friend Shimmy (Paul F. Tompkins), sports broadcaster Bill Walton (Dan Lippert), Pamela the goose (Hannah Pilkes) and dental assistant Carolyn Parker (Ryan Gaul)! Special thanks to KEMBA Live! Originally released in the CBB Groundbeefing Tour feed on June 1st, 2026. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. Now, we're in the middle here on this week's bonus bang of a series that we've been calling, and we'll continue to call, by the way, swish you were here, which showcases and so-chaise cases, NBA All-Star, and sportscaster Bill Walton, played, of course, by fan favorite Dan Lippert. So what do we have this week? We have an episode called 2026 Tour Columbus.

This is a live show. It was recorded during our tour this year on our first leg this summer. And Dan Lippert was on that and did Bill Walton on this show. This is in Columbus, Ohio. So who else do we have? We have Paul F. Tompkins playing Shimmy, or is he? Interesting. Bill Walton, of course, played by Dan Lippert.

And then we also have Hannah Pilkis as Pamela the Goose. And we have Ryan Gull as Carolyn Parker. So great group. And this was originally released in the CBB Ground Beefing Tour Feed on June 1, 2026. Now, we still have great shows coming up on our 2026 ground beefing tour. In September, we're coming to Denver, Dallas, San Antonio, and Austin in the second week of September. And the Austin Show, we finally have a new venue after the first one canceled us. And then we have our big homecoming show.

in L.A. on September 19th. And then we had to reschedule our Medford show, our Boston area show. That's rescheduled for October 7th at the Chevalier Theater. And we added a couple of dates around that. We have Huntington, New York, on October 6th, and Troy, New York, upstate on October 8th. So all of those shows are available, all the tickets at CBBWorld.com slash tour. So come on out and check us out. You'll hear the fun on this episode.

and it's Paul F. Tompkins, myself, and a great group of CBB All-Stars. Now, if you enjoyed this episode and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, as well as shows like CBB Presents, Scott hasn't seen, The Neighborhood Listen in Collegetown. Become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, every live episode we've ever done, ad-free new episodes, even more original shows, and plus we're releasing all of the live episodes that we've been doing the next day

for all of our Maximus subscribers. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode, just one of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Columbus, Ohio! one second. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Does anyone else hear that?

Beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, it's the metal detector going off. Yes, he's pointing at me. Good luck, sir. Detect all that metal. I got three points. Merizied oats and dozy notes and little amsyed ivy. Still, the question remains, who ate my ass?

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, thank you to Columbus. his own Bernard Shaky. Bernard, are you here tonight? Ah, yeah, right back there. Oh, there you are? Hey, give me the wave. Thank you, Bernard.

Catchphrase, superstar. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, Indeed. My name is Scott Ackerman. It's a pleasure to be here in Columbus, Ohio. I've never been here before. We're here at Kembra Live. When there's an exclamation point in the venue, you know it's going to be an exciting show.

We've been having a good time on this tour, visited some places like Columbus we've never been before, Grand Rapids we were just at, fan of Rapids itself or the Grand Ones? Oh, not owning up to your screen anymore? We thought Grand Rapids was beautiful. We're walking. around downtown. This is gorgeous here. I'm on Zillow looking up how much houses cost.

How long are flights? Oh, no nonstop? I don't know. Until after our show, a bunch of us went out, went to a local bar, came back to our hotel, found it taped off due to a shooting right outside our hotel. And they weren't letting anyone into the hotel. And we approached some cops and said, do you mind if we get past the barrier? And nothing has exposed our white privilege more than him saying, like, oh, are you staying here? And he just, like, he, like, cut the tape for us with big ceremonial scissors.

Like, we're like, enough, pageantry. We're just want to sleep. So that happened. but it's wonderful to be here. We have a fantastic show. Who here does not know what this is, what Comedy Bang Bang is? Right back here, sir, you, sir?

Now, why would you come to this? You're pointing at a gentleman to your left, perhaps, and he's giving me the, I don't know what I did? Well, it's wonderful to have you, sir. It's very, very simple. The concept is simple. This is a talk show. I'm the host of the talk show.

I'm going to bring out some guests. We're going to have some conversations, just some improvisational conversations. We haven't discussed what we're going to talk about. I barely even know who's coming out. In fact, let me tell you who we have tonight. We have a musician who's going to be here. We have a broadcaster, an animal, and a receptionist.

You had to know this was coming. Front row seats, five minutes late. You knew what was going to happen. Comedian destroys latecomers. Welcome to the show. Very nice to have you here. So this is going to be a really good show. And it's a pleasure to be here at Kimberle Live!

Where the pizza light is bigger and brighter than the lights on stage. So I'm out, yes, pizza people. Uh-huh. Who here has a slice of Zah? Okay. person. That's, you're not doing so well.

But before we get to the show, there is a bit of business that we have to attend to. What is this? It seems, much to my surprise, a chant of BR has suddenly erupted from the crowd. I have to assume you're talking about the best feature of Comedy Bang Bang, which happens right at the beginning. It's, of course, we're talking about the balcony report. This segment is worth all of that applause.

You, sir, the one person who doesn't really have any idea what's going to happen. Prepare to have your asshole blown out of your ass. Ow, my asshole! It left my ass! Why do we do this? It's very simple. As a performer, growing up, seeing various people in show business achieve their dreams, I always wanted to be performing in a venue that has a balcony.

Because the balcony is the apex of modern architectural achievement. Is it not? Before a balcony, man had to live down here on the ground, like these filthy animals. After the balcony, we raised everyone up. These people seemed to be eating at tables. Are you eating at tables up there? God, I wish I was up there with you. We raised people up.

above the filthy people down here. And we honor you up there, oh, balcony goers. So what are we going to do in this segment? It's basically for the people at home. This is a live podcast taping. I haven't mentioned that fact. Excited yet.

For the people at home, they, as they listen to the show, before we did the balcony report, I could sense that they were sitting there saying, like, is this place fancy? They had no idea. So what we're going to do, and I feel like I've already given it away

by pointing the people out up there. What I'm going to do is I'm going to give you three numbers tonight. I'm going to give you first the number of balconies that are in this very venue. That's exciting enough. We could just coast on our laurels right there. But after that, I'm going to give you a second number, which is the total number of balconies we have performed in front of

on this very tour. That's going to be a bigger number. This is our seventh show of the tour of 38. Yes, that's right. I'm going to give you a third bonus number, which is the average number of balconies we had performed in front of. What we're looking for is over one. So are you ready?

Put something in your asshole, sir. I so seldom give that advice. Because Kemba Live has a total. Balcony! The light show. And we have performed over seven shows to nine balconies. Which means we have performed to an average of 1.2-8571-142-8-7-1 balconies! I'm pretending I'm Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer with the kentzy cloth.

Those are good numbers. And you're a part of that, Columbus. All right, you guys ready to? to start this show. This is a good one tonight. Our first guest is a gentleman. He's a musician.

He's in a band called Townland. He has been living with me since the COVID outbreak. Please welcome to the show, Shimmy, everyone. What's up, man? Okay, what is going on now?

What is going on here? What's the matter, man? You are clearly not shimmy. You thought I was shimmy? That's who I was told to introduce. Are you not shimmy? I mean, you're obviously not shimmy. Who are you?

No, man, I'm not shimmy. Who are you? I'm shammie. You're shammie. Shimmy is my cousin. I'm shammie. And you're so physically different from shimmy that I knew that you weren't shimmy

when you walked out here? Yeah. What a weird thing just, say, man. I'm shammy. Well, hello, Shammie. I was afraid this was a stolen valor situation that you were... Uh-uh.

You're Shammie? Yeah, my cousin Shimmy hooked me up with this gig. Shimmy is just giving away guest slots on Comedy BangBeg? He said he was going to be here and he couldn't make it. Because he couldn't figure out how to get out of your house.

I wish he would use the door one of these times. From your lips to God's ears. I hope I have that direct a connection. Wouldn't that be great? Talking to God. So, shammy.

Shammie. That's me. Tell me about yourself. Are you from the Columbus area here? Uh-uh. I'm from everywhere and nowhere, ma'am. I go where the wind takes me, literally. because I'm a hot air balloon pilot.

Hot air balloon pala. Pala. I haven't been the rank of pala in a long time, man. You started as a hot air pala. Eventually you get the tea at the end. Yeah. I've never met a hot air balloon pilot before. Nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you, Shammie. Imagine talking to God. I guess that's what they say prayer is. But you know and I know that ain't what it is. What do you think prayer is? If you talk to God, you want to see his face

when you say something to see if he gets surprised or mad. Am I right? Like a Zoom call. Hold on. Am I right? That's what Shammie said. So you're a hot air pilot.

Why are you counting in the European way. Thumb first. Oh, wait, did I just betray that I'm German? Is this an inglorious bastard situation? That's right. I'm about to rewrite your history. So you're a hot air balloonist, pilot, I guess.

And you say, what's your catchphrase? Sorry. Shammie said so. These are the two things I know about you, Shammie. You know that I'm Shammie's cousin. You're Shummy's cousin, of course. You know that I have no fixed address. Why don't you live anywhere?

You just, wherever the balloon lands, then you decide to... Did you ever see The Incredible Hulk? The TV show? Thank you for clarifying. Yeah. Because without it, I would have said no. If you meant in real life. Wait. I guess that's my next question.

So you haven't seen the Incredible Hulk in real life, man? I have not. Have you? No. Not yet. Not that I know of. Am I right? Shammy said so. It's more of a question.

No, I said something. I checked to see if I was right. And then I said that I said the thing that I was checking on. To be fair, you said you didn't know if you'd seen the Incredible Hulk. That I know of. That's not a question. That's a statement. But then saying, am I right about that?

they don't know if you're right or not. Yes, they do. People have an innate sense of when strangers are telling the truth. So you believe the people of Columbus to be human lie detectors to know whether you're telling the truth

or not. Okay, let's try this one. I am 75 to feet tall. How many people say true? How many people say false? Am I right? About what? Shelly said to me.

I don't know why those four people thought I was 75 feet tall. Well, they're down below us a little, so it's forced perspective a little bit. It's like the boulder in Indiana Jones was super far away from him. Am I right? I don't know about that one. Scotty said so. It was super far away? Yeah.

So in real life, that boulder was, what? The size of Pluto? It was in Asia. So I have seen the Incredible Hulk television show, if that's your original question. I go from town to town, state to state, traveling by hot air balloon. And if somebody needs my help, when I land, I help them out.

I always get into a big fight, and then I always leave. After you lose the fight? Did I say I lose the fight? fight? Normally that's what would happen on the Incredible Hulk. He would get into the fight. He would not want to turn into the Hulk. He would lose the fight. Then he would fight again,

turn into the Hulk. Hold on a second. You think that first the fight was completed. And then he would say, well, now I have no choice. Time to Hulk out. That's my memory of the Hulk. I think that often it would happen mid-fight.

Not that the guys would be like, we did it. And then Dustin off their hands and walking away. That said, I don't think there was only one fight per Incredible Hulk episode. They had to fill an hour every single week. Well, out of there, there was the human drama. Dr. David Banner wanted to help out in some way.

The Hulk never did. If you think about it, the Hulk was very selfish. The Hulk is an agent of chaos, one would say. He's just the unbridled id. He's a big, dumb idiot. I'd say that to the Hulk's face. It's a good thing you haven't seen him then. Well, maybe if he hits me, I'll turn into something.

Do you think you might? I mean, what if I hit him? It hasn't happened. What if you hit me? Yeah. Like, what if I... I'd turn you into something. Shammy said it.

You forgot the Am I, right? Part of that. Oh, I didn't need clarification on that one. I'm very violent. Really? Yeah. I practice daily violence. I have not gotten into my Columbus, Ohio fight yet,

but I will before this day is through. And I will take a night, hot air balloon flight to wherever the wind carries me. So you're hired by people to take them up... No. I accept no money for this. For the original flight, you accept no money. So when you're done with the town, here's what I'm asking. I thought people hired you.

You went to another town, set them down. No, no one ever is in the... You can't do that. No one's in the basket with you. No, you can't control a hot air balloon that well that it can be a commuter sort of thing. They're unpredictable. You can go up, you can go down.

But you have no idea where you're going to land. No. And I don't want to know. Variety is the spice of life. Shakespeare said that. Shakespeare said it. You had a lot of weird ideas about food and, like, food being music. I don't want to eat music.

You don't eat the music, love does. Anyway. Am I right? Shammie said it about what Shakespeare said. I thought it was Shammie said so. Who cares? So, you go up once your business is completed. You know what, you're right.

And that is better. Sherry said so You go up and the once your business is completed down upon The fight. The fight. Down upon the earth. I help the people out and get into the fight

and then it's time to go off. Do do do do do. That's what I hung to myself when I'm turning up the heat getting that balloon up in the air. And then wherever you land That's where you are. I'm looking for the most miserable person in town.

Somebody who looks like they owe money to somebody unfairly. Like they're being squeezed by the local sheriff. Yeah. Yeah. And then you help them out by doing what?

Hmm. It depends on the situation. Sometimes I help them out by robbing someone else and giving them the money. An innocent person? Well, person who has enough money. Nobody has enough money

that's innocent in my book. Shammy said so. Are they right about me? What is the level of wealth that you think is... If you have more than $100 in your pocket, who's walking around with cash like that? So you sometimes rob people. Sometimes.

Sometimes I just steal from a business. Like looting? No, looting is a bunch of people doing it at the same time. Really? Really? Pick through a window. Yeah, that's what I think of when I think of looting. So you can't be one person looting?

It's just... That's lonely, don't you think? To be a solitary looter? You're like, hey, guys, we're all looting, right? You look behind you. No one? Everybody's just like everyone today, face deep in a Kindle. Why won't people look up from their kindles?

To loot. To loot. Cheers. Jeremy toasted it. We're gilding the lily, as Shakespeare said. Oh, he's allowed to say whatever he was. So, do you ever fall in love with any of these? Every single time.

Really? Yeah. So what's your body count, bro? What's the highest number you can think of? No cheating. I like when people put that in Instagram. Prompt. Show us the most recent photo of your pet.

No cheating. I know some people are cheating. They're using an old glamour shot of their dog. Those people are lower than dirt. They're with the whines. That's right. Like Sluggo said. Yep, sluggo.

I think like a trillion or three, no, 10 trillion. No, no, no, nine trillion. Okay, that's pretty high. So not that many. So not that many. How many? Maybe... 10,0001?

10,001. Yep. And you say maybe. That's a very precise number to be iffy on. Well, there's one I was passed out for. And neither of us knew if we did it. We parted hard. We woke up in bed together.

We had each other's clothes on. What were they wearing? What were you wearing? I was wearing what you see right now. A jumpsuit with the sleeves cut off. This was this other person. person's clothes? No, I'm not still wearing the same person's clothes. I wondered if this was last night. So you, you woke up. I woke up wearing their clothes. Okay. You asked me what I was wearing. Yeah, but when you woke up wearing their clothes, idiot. Seems like that fight might be coming up pretty soon. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what? I'm asking like your other people. You know, my cousin told me you were a nice guy. I love Shimmy. I do too. He's blood. The blood of my blood. we're the last members of our family

where does he is he your brother no he's your cousin he's your father's brother's son or where's he lying why do you want to know you're asking a lot of questions about my family I'm just wondering shimmy doesn't talk to me

a lot shimmy is he's kind of in and out he's always got to go are you the opposite do you always have to stay until I got to fight you're in a hurry for me to leave because I could make it happen I don't think you're helping anyone by getting into a fight with me

me and future guests so anyway back to my original question what did you wake up wearing I walk up wearing a beautiful beaded ball gown a tiara a full face of makeup

You even swapped makeup. Yeah, we swapped makeups. False eyelashes. Yeah. Weirdly some sensible flats because the gown, the gown covered my feet. So I was like, well, I guess she was like, why wear heels? And I instantly got the logic of that. And she was wearing your jumpsuit with the sleeves cut off.

Yeah. Oakley's. A hat that simply says fish fear me. I don't like the other two parts of that. I just like to part with a fish you're afraid. I've been in a fight with a fish before you ask. Why would you ever fight a fish? Why would a fish ever fight me?

That's the question you've got to ask yourself. So the fish started it? The fish started it. And did you end it? Oh, yeah. I never start the fight, but I always finish it. Ask me other animals that I fought. I fought a lot of them.

What other animals have you fought? The majestic American bison. What occasion would you have to fight a bison? I mean... He's looking to have you funny. He's looking at you like a bison looks at you. Well, they better knock it off. If I ever see another one, it's lights out.

Let's out, nickel boy. We haven't used him on the nickel in quite a while. Oh, I punched him so hard. He went back on the nickel. Shammie said so. You ever been in a hot air balloon? I haven't. It seems terrifying. It is. I'm scared every time. Then why do it?

Because you've got to face your fears. So that's how you did it. You were so afraid of it. You decided to become a pilot? Yeah, I'm still scared of it, though. Wow. It is, I mean, you're up there. Where the air is rare. There's nothing tethering you to the earth. No. You could just float up. Even the inky blackness of outer space?

Yeah. Don't think I haven't thought about it every single time. That's why I got those sandbags filled with my proprietary mixture of sand. Here's what I don't understand. If you have the sandbags and you're floating around, don't, like, you can't add more sandbags. No, you can't. Then what good are they when you're up in the air? let me explain this you like you're a child

it's the heat that keeps you up in the air sure oh so you're throwing sand on the fire you control the heat there's a valve lever sure up and down more heat less heat sure and so if you want to go down sure I get that but what are the sandbags for then because you need something to weigh you down

hmm and you're Your body isn't enough. No. Even though I am of Jack Reacher proportions. It's one thing we haven't mentioned. No, my knuckles look like walnuts. I mean, it's not really, everyone's knuckles kind of. Uncracked.

Oh! You thought I meant shelled walnuts? So, so anyway, you are up there in the balloon. I mean, it's just, it seems. I went up in one of those carnival like things that travel on the rope or whatever that goes across the carnival and that was frightening enough.

I don't think I would like a hot air balloon. Like one of those little cars you sit in? Yeah. By the time it got up to about here, my wife and I looked at each other and said, oh, this is terrifying. You're married? Sorry.

If that's why you came. What's it like? Oh, no. Shammy. Out of all of these 10,001 relationships, you've never had one... They were not relationships, believe me. You've never had one that lasted longer than a single night? No, my heart is like a hot air balloon itself.

Just drifting from place to place. But your body goes along with it. Yeah. Good looking out. I just don't want anyone to think that your heart is like... Did anyone think that? I'm so sorry, Shammy. Thank you.

Not to know the... love of another human being. Oh no, people love me. They love you, but you don't love them back. I don't know how. I'm so sorry, but... I'm a big, violent giant. And I don't know how to love.

I don't know how to crush and destroy and steal. And pilot out air balloon. All it takes is being vulnerable with another human being. Ew, pass. I can't let down my guard. How can I help people otherwise? Look, it can be scary to do that. Trust me, I know.

But the rewards outweigh, which is something, you know, to put in hot air balloon terms, the sandbags outweigh the body and all that. Anyway, but... What are some of the rewards of being in love? The rewards of being in love, you get, you know, regular sex and got that already. Anything else? You get to truly be yourself. You get to open your heart to someone. You get to, you know, dump all of your problems that you go through during the day on them.

This sounds beautiful. They have to nod along and pretend to listen. How do I get on your level? No, but I mean, have you ever been in a situation where one of the women that you've been with intimately has asked you a very personal question. Do you shut down? Is that what happened? I shut down real tight.

People saying things like, Shammy, what's your last name? And I say, got to go. And then I jump out the window. No matter what height? No matter what height. Wow.

I always scope the building first to see if there's anything I can grab onto. See if there's like an awning of a place selling flowers down below that you can bounce off of? a convenient trash truck going by with a bunch of garbage bags. Do you, whenever you get to a new town,

do you have the trash truck schedule there? That's the first thing I do. Look up the pickup schedule. When does the bulky item, truck come around? Mattress store. Do you, like, call to call for a delivery just at the right time when you want to jump out?

I have done that. I say, you know, just park out front for a while. No, back up underneath this window. We're building the bed as we speak. Well, this is terrible, I mean... What? Is it? I think that you should open up a little more. I mean, you're a man of a certain age.

How old are you, Shimmy? I'm 70 years old. Maybe it is too late for you. I don't know. I mean, is there... Yeah, I don't know. Is there anyone over... 70 in the world?

Me. Is that something you would be interested in? finding a regular partner, someone that you could... I don't know. I don't know if I can bring somebody into this life. Like a baby? Is that what you're talking about? No. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Into your life, I see. Okay. That's into this world. It's babies. Into this life is a life I have. Do you ever see the movie, Eat by Michael Man? There's a... Is that the movie with the scene shot at Kate Mantellini's restaurant?

That's right. Yeah. No, I have... I have, yes. It's famous for that. Yep. Right underneath my old manager's office. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's how I think. I've seen that one. In that movie, McCauley says... Macaulay? Yeah. Whose name is McCull? Robert De Niro.

De Niro, I think. But, yeah, go on. He says, you got to be prepared to walk away from everything in 30 seconds or something. into effect. And then later in the movie, he does just that. After this woman, inexplicably,

starts a relationship with him. And that's how I am. I can't be bringing somebody into this life of hot air ballooning, getting into fights and leaving. Couldn't you find a town that you love? A town maybe like Columbus, Ohio.

Yeah. They got a lot of stuff here. They have Kemba Live. other buildings one hotel I know of not gonna say which but room 615 so

gives a room I'm in which one 420 baby oh hell yeah yeah you think I didn't light up when I saw that oh is that why you're not able to get into a relationship you're high all the time

I'm not high all the time. Just when you're awake? All right. My man. Put your hand down. This seems like a nice place, but you know what the problem is? Too much ground. I think it has the same amount of ground as anywhere.

That's exactly right. You fell into my trap. So you aspire to a life just soaring above. I want to get up in the head. air as soon as I can face my fear, my eternal fear. You know, some people might say that you're not facing your biggest fear. Who said that? Which people? I mean, some people out there probably are thinking of it.

Which one of you said that? I'll beat you up. Does anybody ever threaten to do that? I'll beat you up. But I think, you know, your greatest fear is not the hot air balloon, but it's opening yourself up to another human being. I don't know how you arrived at that conclusion. Shammy, what if we were... Shammy. What if we were to role play

a situation? Oh, I do role play, sure. And I could guide you through... Through what? Into a more open... Oh, open what? Heart. Okay.

Into a place where you can kind of open yourself up. to another person. Let's try it. Okay. How do you usually meet these people, women? I'm not sure what you're into. I'm into everything. Shammy likes the whole menu. From apps to desserts. Okay, so is there anyone

you want me to be any? Just be a typical lady, let's say, in a town that I haven't been in before. Here's my opening line that I always. use. I'm going to turn around. Hey, what do you look like? Now, I know what you're thinking.

How could that work? It works every single time. I guess I look... Well, no, it's to get you to turn around. Then I can see what you look like. Oh, okay. I thought you were blind to me. You don't have to describe yourself. I don't know.

It's a weird question. I didn't quite know how to react. So here's what it is. You do think I'm blinded at first because of the Oakley's. Right. And it's... Let's go from the beginning. And it's nighttime, yeah.

Yeah. Hey, what do you look like? Oh, hello. Hold on a second. I do a shade tip. Yeah. Then they know that I am not blind. They do wonder if I'm wearing they live glasses.

I kind of wondered if you were like doing a David Caruso, CSI Miami kind of. No, that's, he puts the glasses on. That's right. He does, doesn't he? Yeah. New spin on an old favorite. That's right. Okay, so I can see you're not blind.

Yeah. Uh, hello. You can see that I am a huge man. Muscles for days. I don't look 71. I look at the oldest, 67. I'm ripped as hell. My, my knuckles are resemble walnuts.

Mm-hmm. Is this going to be like a Tulsa King, Andrea Savage situation, where I'm going to have sex with you and then throw up when I learn how old you are? No. How would she look at Sylvester Stallone? And then finding out the exact number of his age is what makes you throw up.

If you got past what he looks like, you're in the clear. It's a weird show. It's a weird show. That's how they do it down there in Tulsa. Well, we're in and... Tulsa. Very nice to meet you, sir.

Wait a minute. Were we in the roleplay the whole time? Yes. You didn't even do like a voice or anything? You just... There were subtle shades of what I was doing.

I don't know. I didn't seem to work on me, but... I don't think you were trying that hard. All right. I don't think you were trying that hard. Let's try it again. Okay. Hey, what do you look like? Oh, a blind man.

What? That's right, baby. I ain't blind, but I do like what I think I see. The Doobie Brothers said it. Oh, you must be old. I paraphrased it. How old do I look?

I mean, do you know who Dred Zeppelin is? Of course I do. Have you ever seen their documentary? A song of song of hope. Hope? Of course. On my 50th birthday. Then we, you are age appropriate.

Shammy respects the power of balance. In the DC universe? No, I don't respect that. Oh, okay. Because that changed recently. With Black Adam, yeah, of course. I'll never forget where I was. Oh, God.

I was in a bar. And suddenly everyone rushed in. I was church. So you go to church. Wow. as being a best man, somebody's wedding. Who would have you as their best man? A guy that I helped out by fighting

absolutely everybody in a building. Well, it's very nice to meet you. Bye. Wait. That was the role play. Yes. You just sound like you the whole time. What do you want me to sound like?

You're like a character. Oh, geez. All right. One more time. All right. I really put something into it this time. Okay. All right, Eliy Kazan.

Geez. Eliah Kazan. Give me, Elya Kazan? Yeah. Okay, Skot Awu, come on. Martine Scorsese. All right. All right.

Hey, what do you look like? Well, I do declare. A regular-sided man. That's right. Right here in front of me. My name's Shammy. Your name's Shammy. That's what Shammy's is.

Well, well, well, what brings you to my little neck of the woods? My hot air balloon set down recently, like all hot air balloons to do, in a big dragging crash. I just climbed out of the basket and wanted to wet my whistle. So you pilot a hot air balloon, you do? Or does it pilot me? I don't know. It's the first one. I've always wondered.

Is the air thinner up there? Yeah. Like that old woman who stroked the man's face and said, thinner. In that movie about that very fat man who became very, very thin, much to his chagrin. The air is thin, but other things are very thick. I must say I'm intrigued, Mr. Shammie. Oh, are you?

Perhaps intrigued enough. to accept a drink from a gentleman? Why don't we have a drink together in your bed after we have sex with each other? You're so very funny, Mr. Shammy. Oh, there's nothing funny about this. I have limited time left on this earth and I don't have time to fuck around with a bunch of flirting.

You see my body and I see yours. Now let's turn the lights off. You haven't even asked me my name yet. Do you want to tell me? Of course I do. if you're going to ask. I have to ask. I volunteered mine.

Well, I would love it if you would get it out of me somehow. Is that a dirty thing? Because I like it. If you get something out of me, perhaps you can put something in. You mean like to make room? You could redecorate in there, I suppose. This is getting me hot as hell.

What's your name? Well, my name's cauliflower McGee, of course. What? My daddy owns this town. Oh, no, we're star-cross lovers, because I have here to beat the hell out of him. I know you are, and that makes me hot. That makes me hotter.

My daddy needs a beating. Now you see how this works? All you have to do is give it a little effort, and now you see how... Nice to meet you, sir. Goodbye. What, no. Come on. You can't deny what happened.

There was something between us, yeah. That might be a porn search that I look up tonight. Man pretends to be Southern Bell. Oh, that's the search? Yeah, I guess. Knuckles thick as walnuts. Like, I'll just throw everything in there. Throwing hot air balloon.

Yeah, why not? Tup that in a porn hub. Sure. But we never got to. to the part where you open yourself up, you went immediately to sex, Shammie. Yeah, it was working out great. And it probably

would have been incredible. The kind of chemistry that you and I have, that can't be replicated. Me and that fake lady. Look, I can't open myself up because I'm afraid of who I might find in there. Shammy, you are

worthy of love. Has anyone ever told you that before? There's so many people. Have you ever told it to another human being? Uh-oh. I got a perfect streak of not saying I love you to anyone. You know what, Shammie? You and I have just met, but I'm here to tell you, I love you.

Why? That's weird behavior. I'm a total stranger and I've threatened you multiple times. I can't help it. That's how I feel about other human beings. Well, that's beautiful that you're able to do that. What makes you so love? Love, love, love, love, love, love.

Oh, no, he's got Fonzie disease. I do have Fonzarelli syndrome. I just, I would like to see you try at least with someone, but maybe that's not your lot in life. I mean, do you think you are close to death? Aren't we all? We're just one big fight away from death. Do you think, is that how you want to go? You want to go in a fight?

If I win first. but you're what mortally wounded during the fight I would figure my heart would give out because I'm an old man okay were you thinking like Mercurcio style the immortal bard of course it all goes back to him doesn't it remember when

Mercurcio was dying and he said to his friend you have made worms meat of me that was ice cold as a friend you don't want to hear something like that Uh-oh. Your bestie saying something like that to you? Hmm.

You done fucked up. Well, Shammy, our time on this stage is nearing its end. Uh-oh. If you want to fight me, you can, but you know what? I bet you don't want to, because I love you, Shammy,

and I think you feel that way about me. That is such a wild take. It's actually working. Shammy, everyone. Shammy! Say your catchphrase, Shammy, for the people. Shammy said so. All right, let's get to our next guest. Can you stick around, Chammy? Yeah. Maybe you can fight one of the next guests.

Come in. Don't tell me with a good time. Coming to the stage, we have a broadcaster. He played in the NBA for a number of years. I believe he might be dead Please welcome Bill Walton You say bus Worked You have them eating out of the palm of your hand Bill That's how everybody eats around me

You don't own any utensils No no we eat like they did back in the day I do the caveman diet Doesn't mean you have to eat like a caveman You can use a fork and a knife Well that's why I haven't lost a fucking pound Do you want to sit down? You're hovering above.

You're just looming. You're so tall. What a cute little guy. What's up, big dog? Hello, my name's Shammy. I'm Bill. Hey, what happened there? It's been a long tour.

You can forget who you are sometimes. There's been a long tour since I've said I'm sorry. It's an extended version of the Stained song. It's been a while. Wonderful. Welcome to the stage. It's a pleasure to be on this stage with you, Scott Okraman, and the great Columbus, one of the great buses.

From the magic one that the Who talked about to the succubus that visits me fortnightly. Wow, I had no idea. Is that because you died, basically? Is there a succubus coming to try to drag you back into the netherworld? It was happening before I died. Oh, okay. Well, you know these succubuses.

they come and they steal your seed in the middle of the night once every two weeks, Scott Ackerman. You have to remain vigilant. For what purpose are they stealing your seed? A very old man. Oh, it's as good old as young, Scott Ackerman. Hey, Al Pacino and Robert De Niro, those two people in that movie you were talking about?

The Cape Mantellini one. Yep. They proved that recently, haven't they? Innocent kill? Righteous kill. Righteous kill. Righteous kill was shot at the Cape Mantellini restaurant? I didn't hear that part. I just heard De Niro and Pacino,

and then I started imagining a movie. This is a movie you have thought up, and you didn't know the title? For clarifying it for me, Scott Ackerman. What happens in this movie that you're thinking up? Righteous Kill? Yeah. Oh, so Robert De Niro and Al Pacino

are both innocent men. Great. It starts with them being innocent? It ends with them being innocent. It's in reverse, like momentary. and they're singing the whole time like the last five years. Of what? When Manuel Miranda's life?

Well, it sounds like a great movie. Hopefully you'll get that off the ground at some point. It's no big deal. I don't even care about it. A movie imagined is better than a movie made, Scott Ackerman. That's right. I hope when we get up to heaven, all the ideas we've had for movies, we get to see them. You know, and like with the cast that we imagined. Oh, that's fun.

You know, wouldn't that be great to see? Do you get reviewed afterwards? Is that why they took Siskel and Ebert from us? There was no one in heaven to review the movies. Rex Reed is up there, dishing it out. I don't know who that is. You don't know Rex Reed. No.

I know dinosaurs. You know dinosaurs? With books. Come in turn! It's like the opposite of when Johnny Carson waves you over. I remember their first time Scott Ockerman turned his back on me

Rex Reed is a recently deceased critic He's very old God? Yeah I wouldn't say it through his fucking face But yeah There's a lot of gatekeepers we got

There's like St. Peter He's up there like checking You know what I mean? Yeah Before you get to God Yeah heaven is like trying to listen To like an alt punk band A lot of gatekeepers

Yeah, you heard me right. Oh, really? Name five songs. Girls Not Gray. Miss Murder. The Innocent Part 2. I can't get to five. I can't listen to AFI.

So, Bill, what are you doing in Columbus? Well, I haven't slipped a wink since I saw you, but last. Oh, no. We saw each other. Where was that? That was in... Minneapolis, Minnesota. Twin Cities, yes.

Twin Cities. Sorry. Is it rude if I say Minneapolis when it's St. Paul? It actually was St. Paul, but that's okay. I mean, you barely know where you are now, I think. I know where I am.

I'm on stage with the great Scott Ackerman, the tall shammie, and in Columbus, Ohio, one of the great Co's. Oh, fuck. From cold red mountain dew to Cocoa Gough. Nailed it.

Scott, I tried to pitch you two ideas, so far. I pitched you balls or balls. My new game show where you guess if someone's a basketball player or a porn star. Yes, we were in St. Paul and that went over really well. No, it was... That was in Toronto. It was in Toronto, right. In St. Paul, I pitched you a workout routine

that was all yoga stretches. Yes. The reason you're looking at me this way is because it didn't go very well. That's why you didn't remember it. Okay, yes. I've been working on it and I finally have a new game show. The problem with the other ones was they were too niche and the rules were too complicated.

Okay. So I've simplified and I've developed a game show that I think the people of Columbus might quite enjoy Scott Ockerman. Okay. Do we want to hear about this game show? This is, sure. Yeah. Great. Well, I guess we can dip into it.

I do need three contestants. So I have you and I have Shammy. Would you mind being contestants here? Not at all. Scott? Of course. Great. I'm here for you.

And he doesn't know I'm going to bring him on, but can we bring Brett Morris on from the side stage, please? Brett. He doesn't, he didn't know he was coming on. He just happens to be standing right there comically eating a rap. That's how he is every show. Brett, get a microphone, Jackass. You're the sound guy. I thought Brett Morris needed to show some of his abilities live on stage.

He shows all his abilities in the dungeon, you know what I mean? I don't. So, All right, Brett, how you doing? The old Brett tap. This thing on. Uh-huh. All right, Brett Morris.

Ladies and gentlemen. Hey, everyone. I, where do you want me, Bill? Oh, fuck. Is this dating game style where the three of us are over here? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's great. You guys go over there. Okay. We're not going to, like, to go on a date after this, though. Brett went right over here. Okay. Okay. You're wandering around this.

stage like you've... I have no idea why I'm up here. We're doing... He's pitching a game show and we're... Okay, Bill. All right, so... Is it a game show or a talk show? What have I been saying?

I don't... I have no idea. I think it's a game show. It's a game and it is a show. But we will be talking, so I don't want you to assume we'll be silent the whole time. All right. So if we could get the game show up here, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you're ready for the premiere episode of

The newest guessing game The newest guessing game, Columbo, Columbus, or Columbone. Okay. In this game, you will be given three quotes. You will have to guess which quote was said by the Detective Colombo, which one was said by the titular person

who this city is named after Christopher Columbus, and which was said by Busy Bone of Bone Thugs and Harmony, who was born in the great city of Columbus. Can I ask a question? Yes, Shamwow. What premier did Christopher Columbus attend? That's from Beef Season 2.

And you're saying his name is Busybone, but you named him Colombone? Yes, I'm using Columbone for the name of the game show. It's a Port Bonteau. Thank you. Why ask three questions, why not just ask one, and then we guess who said it? You say you're trying to simplify the game. No, yeah, that's good. Okay. I don't mean to get in your head.

We can play. There's going to be three quotes on here. Yeah. But yeah, what do we do once the quotes are out? Whatever you want to do, Bill. Hey, man. Are you okay? Bill.

What's out this door? What's out this door? I think you're walking out into traffic. Okay, my bad. Let's do it. Let's do it. They've seen some of them already. So, all right.

What the fuck? Are we allowed to look? Yeah, these are three quotes you can look. So remember, you're guessing who said which quote. One of them was sent by Columbone, A.k.a. Busybone. One was said by Detective Colombo, and one was said by Christopher Columbus.

Can I go first? Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, yeah. And so we'll just ask if we can go. That'll be the way we buzz in. I'm going to say you then. Oh, Scott! Oh, fuck! Let the record show. I was sitting in this totally normally

so I don't get charged for a chair. Both the front and the back. The backrest of the chair came off. Damn, Scott, what that back do on that chair? I was sitting in it. It was fine. All right. Well, Scott, I'll move this over here. So, yeah, who has to go first, Jamie? Can I ask a question?

Why does the C, why is it credited to Colombo? Oh, fuck. It's within the quote. No, it's not. I copy-pasted wrong. Okay, ignore that. Ignore that it says Columbo and just read the quote. All right.

I'm going to say C. Okay. Oh, I didn't come to ask any more questions I came to arrest you. Was said by Detective Colombo. You got it. So the first quote is, to get where you're headed,

you must make a heaven of hell. Was that said by Columbus or Busybone? The second quote is, I have come to believe that this is a mighty continent which was his or two unknown. Can I buzz in? Yes, go ahead.

Brett Morris. Earwolf King. I think B is Columbus, if I had to guess. Brett Morris, you are correct, sir! Can I go again? Yes, go ahead. I'm going to say that A,

to get where you're headed, you must make a heaven of hell was said by Columbo. Columbong said it. Columbo, Detective Columbo? Columbo. So A was... This is very confusing.

Getty and Alamy did a collab. Why is C? At the top right, we read things from left to right and up to down. Well, I thought the audience would be reading it from the... What? The audience would be looking this way, because we're looking at them. I'm fucked up, Scott. This can all get fixed by the time we do the game show.

Remember, we'll hire somebody to do this work. But A is a photo of Columbone or A.K.A. Busybone. B is a photo of Christopher Columbus. And C is a... a Getty Images Alamy collab photo of Columbo Okay, so after the first round we have two points for Mr. Shammy.

One point for Brett Morris and zero for Scott Ackerman. Okay. All right, can I ask, are the points doubled in the second round? I don't mean to get in your head. No, they should be.

They should be because it's harder. Is it harder or is Columbo going to be credited again? No, I hope not. I didn't know the first one was. All right, so you're double points. All right, so. Our first quote,

for the execution of the voyage to the Indies, I did not make use of intelligence mathematics or a map. Our second quote, I don't like heights. I don't even like being this tall. Our third quote, gotta give it on up to the Glock, Glock, Glock, pop, better drop when them buckshot blow.

Shammy said it. That's my buzz in. That's how we buzz in, right? Saying our catchphrases? Yeah. Yes, sham. I'm going to say, can I go for a sweep?

Risking all your points on this, sham. Are you willing to do it? We're betting points? Yeah, we are. Yeah, why not? It sounds awesome. All right, sham. I'm going to say,

A, Columbus. So that's for the execution of the voyage to the Indies. I do not make use of pathologists or maps. B, Colombo. I don't like heights. I don't even like being this tall. Columbo is famously short.

See? Busybone. Gotta give it up on the Glock to pop pop, a better drop when then buckets blow. Shammy, you are absolutely correct, sir! What? Is Peter Falk posing for the Hysman?

What is he doing there? Is that from an acting class? Yeah, that's Peter Fawkes showing people how to, if you were like stopping people from something while doing the Hysman. B, we all know that guy, Columbus, and C is Bizzy Bone again. I've never thought that Columbus would ever be on a horse. Isn't that Napoleon?

Fuck. Did you do the search by hat? That's a Google function, right? Search my hat. It's how I find all my John Travolta pictures. Okay, so you did it all. You got two points for each answer, and you got three answers right. two plus two plus two, which as we all know is six, plus two from the opening round.

Thank you, everybody. Are you guys ready for the round of death? Are these doubled again? Are they worth four points apiece? Can you all handle that out there? Okay, let's do it. Yes, this will be double points. Okay.

Oh, buzz. Did you buzz in, Brad? Yeah. Okay. Okay, you have to turn around and not look. Oh, I didn't know that was part of it. You just activated the voice spin. I was so confident.

All right. All right. Name them. So Brett, which one do you think A is? And then I'll read the quote after you guess. Okay. I think A is Columbo. Bone with an N or just bone?

No N. Okay. The quote is, and follow me now while I take you up into a... barrel of a gun. Could be. Who do you think B is? I think B is B is B-Bosey bone.

The quote is, that was not written the way McCauley performed it. I thought he was going to slap on the cologne and move his hands and scream. Okay. And C? Columbus. The quote is, what's your favorite Columbo quote? Contribute to this page by emailing

quotes at IMDB.com. Okay, Bill. Was I right or no? I think Scott sees something wrong that I haven't seen yet here. Okay, Bill. A is Columbone, obviously, but B, B is Chris Columbus, the director of Home Alone. And then C is a quote from Peter Fox or the show Columbo's IMDB page. Not an actual Colombo quote.

Okay, so you are saying B is a different Chris Columbus. It is, yes. So the guy who discovered America did not discover... McCulley Culkin, no. Honestly, I would advocate for keeping the holiday if that were the case.

Oh, yeah. Much like Helen Mirren. Helen Mirren being sad that Kurt Cobain never discovered the internet, I, too, am sad that Christopher Columbus never got to see McCulley Culkin on film.

Well, I don't know if there's a point to this next one, but we'll show the answers. Is that Gerard Depardieu? I don't know. It was a Google search for Christopher Columbus. No hat. No hat? But you wanted Bizzy Bone with the hat. I wanted him with that one. He's never not worn a hat. Don't scroll back because that might not be true. Is he Baldi Bone?

Oh, shots fired. That was Bizzy Bone's hairdresser. I beg your pardon, madam. Well, okay, so I guess that last round, Scott Arkhamen actually got them all right for four points times three, which is... And as we all know, Shammie had... He has nine. You had one point... Or no, sorry, eight, you have eight.

And then one. Okay, man. You better watch his girl. I can see the fear in your eyes as I step toward you. I'm scared of murdering you. How many fights on the first episode of Collegiate? Columbo, Columbus, or Columbone. We're trying to sell a show here.

All right. So do I have any more? I think that's the last one. All right. All right. So, Scott, this is a new game show. Our lives are flashing before our eyes. Frantically searching for another one.

Maybe that would be the credits is at the end of the game show. You see everything that just happened. He's wearing a hat there. Yeah. So, Scott, I'm thinking maybe. an hour to two hours. We could do it on Hulu. Hour to two hours of what?

Per game? For show? Yeah. Per episode. Imagine America. All they want is content. Two hours of guessing if a quote is Columbus, Columbo, or Columbone. The people have spoken.

They like it. So? Sold in the room? To who? To me? Yeah. Yeah. You want to do a CPP presents of it?

Do it on... Scott. Presents of Columbus Columbo or Colombo. Do it on your own show that you already do. Yeah, I already have to edit one of your shows every month. Yeah, we don't need a second one.

There's a lot of notes. Yeah. So you were, it sounded like you were going to give me one. Then I got down and begged and you took it away from me. You're too thirsty, my man. I'm sorry, Bill. I don't think it has legs.

Unlike the three gentlemen that we were discussing. Okay, I got you. I got you. Legs are no legs, Scott. of the newest game show. We tell you, we show pictures of things and do they have legs or not. So it's a snake, it's a giraffe. But we only show them from the tits up.

The tits of the snake? Yeah, the tits of the snake. We'll blur them, Scott, don't worry. Okay, fine. If you want to do a CBB. No problem. Bill Walton, everyone. Bill Walton.

I'll see myself out, I guess. Thank you, Brett. Thank you. Matt Morris. It's like you have the Ten Commandments. All right, well, let's get to our next guest. I mentioned an animal was here. This animal has been on the show before.

It is a bird. Please welcome Pamela. Away from Bill. Ladies and gentlemen. Pamela, so great to see you again. What kind of bird? are you again? A Canada goose.

They make you know what they say about Canada. Gingerang! Canada dry, is that? Okay. Well, I'll tell you who's not dry. I'm dry. Pamela, it's great to see you again. You're a goose who, last time you were on the show,

has anyone heard Pamela's previous appearance? You were looking for your child? I was looking for my ghastling rhyme. Yeah. And I found him. You found you? Oh, you found your child. Congratulations.

Oh, thank you. And he said, to be quite frank, you're a shit-ass mother. So I fucked right off and I migrated here to go. Just come as a while. Home of the arches. Mother horseshoe, which is like an arch. Which horseshoe? A sports arena.

Oh, is that here in Columbus, a horseshoe? I'm certain it is. Well, welcome to Columbus. May I be the first to welcome you here as ancillary of this fine city that I know so well? Thank you. It's so good to be here. What have you been doing while you've been in town here?

Have you been... Well, I migrated so far from Canada I saw all the wonders of the world. The Sphinx. You've seen the Sphinx. I saw him. What did you think? I mean, I tell you one thing.

He's packing. I guess I've never seen it from behind. Oh, no, he's packing a bag. Packing a bag? The Sphinx was going on a trip. The Sphinx is moving? The Sphinx is moving. No, I'm moving.

I'm migrating. I passed the Sphinx, I passed the Rocky Mountains, I passed the Susquehanna River, I passed a McDonald's. All the wonders of the world. All the wonders of the world, and I found my way here. And I'm living my life now. I'm here. I'm trying to live.

I'm trying to fill my bucket list, if you will. Oh, really? I'm trying to do things I've never done. Really? What's on your bucket list? Watch the film Boondock Saints. Wow, I mean, I've never even seen that. It must be kind of hard to achieve.

Well, I've seen a lot of men with family crests on their bodies that love the film. They love tattoos with family crests. Speaking of which, I've never gotten a tattoo on my plumage. Yeah, do birds get tattoos? I know sometimes they're on cows. Well, I'm Jewish, so it's... frowned upon. You're Jewish, Pamela.

I am, Mazel. Mosul. Mazzle. Did you have a bird mitzvah? Bill, come on. That's not nice. Why is that not nice?

Scott? Oh, I meant it. I meant it very offensively. I had a beautiful bird mitzvah under the chuppah. That's not where that belongs.

That's for a wedding. Did you marry the rabbi? No. But rabbis can't have sex. Oh, I know. How do that, my guy? Oh, okay.

So, what else have you know? You've seen Bundak Saints. You had a Bird Mitzvah. I've never had seen Bundysons. I got a tattoo. I've got a tattoo. I tried a nasal spray. Just tried it.

Flownais. Okay. You like it? No? Okay. I mean, you know, you have a beak. It's not a compliment. I'm not sure why you're smiling.

I'm just saying, I'm pointing out, okay, all right, Pamela. You don't need to show me your tail feathers. All right, put those away. Scott, watch me clenched. Watch me clench and release. Watch me clench. Snassarist slow. You got the occupant turn, Pamela.

I got a bird bath for two. If you want to splash and take a bath. Scott Alckerman. Scott Arkhamen. What else have you been doing, Pamela? I mean, that's... Can't have taken up all your time.

I've been fulfilling my bucket list. I've been learning about financial literacy. see, I've been learning about, you know, the difference between the W2 and the W4 and a 10-2 and a 4-6 and a 10-hop. I joined the Army. You joined the Army? I'm in platoon number noon. What?

I'm in platoon number noon and we meet at noon. Can I ask you a question? Absolutely. This is Shammie, by the way. I'm Shammie. Hey, Shams, Sam. First of all, you have a beautiful voice. Thank you.

you. I had a Lugie get stuck when I was 12 and I left it there. Here's my question. Which army did you join? America or Canada? I joined the one where the world famous show, DeGrasi took place. America. No, DeGrasi actually is our friends to the north. That's Canada. That's a Canadian show. DeGrassey high? Junior high? Hi? Hi? Hi? No, mine's D'Grassy with a Y.

Oh. It wasn't Drake. It was Kendrick Lamar. There wasn't a shooting. There was a dance off. It wasn't whatever it takes. I know I can make it through. It was, whatever I do,

I know I can make it around. So Kendrick has decided to embarrass Drake further by replicating his entire career and doing it better. Hey, I didn't say it. I'm in saying Wow That's commitment to the bit

So yeah I've joined the platoon's platoon I've been learning about financial literacy I've been trying to fulfill my bucket list I've been An exhibitionist Just around town fountains and squares I've

taken up reading I just became literate Oh okay so Not only financial literacy but literacy itself. Yeah, I'm reading not to brag words from books. What was that now?

Not to brag. I'm reading words from books. Words from books. I'm reading books like little women. She comes first. Okay. I tried to read that one, but I couldn't finish. I know that's right, my head.

On the occupant turn! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I've got to fulfill my birthlet list soon because What's going on, Pamela? Pamela! Oh no, look at her handkerchief. There's blood on your handkerchief.

Because I have what Nicole Kidman had in Moulon Rouge. No! A gorgeous singing voice? Yeah. Likes for days? A gorgeous singing voice. A snatched waist. Allow for your...

and McGregor and a cough that will seize me in four days or less. Oh my gosh, a bug keeps trying to get into my mouth. Oh, and your news too. That's terrible. That's awful, Pamela.

I'm so sorry. And there's only one antidote. What is that? A husband. The number one. Do we need Brett Morris back out here? No. Enough said.

Please pick me. Brett and I have a past. Oh, okay. Let's just say someone doesn't know how to respond to a test. That is me. Because I'm illiterate. And I don't have any thumbs.

Well, we have two eligible bachelors here. Please pick me. Please, God, pick me. Okay. Thirsty much. Yeah. I mean, I don't even fucking care. Okay, this is weirdly doing it for me.

I love your lack of self-respect. Bachelor number one, that's you. Hell yeah. What do you hate about yourself? Small penis, weird penis. Bad in bed. Won't pay for meals. Bad listener.

I have a thing where I can never close my butt, so I'm always farting a little bit. Did you want everything or just one thing? Oh, fuck. I wanted like two, but sure, keep going. I will always ask you during a movie what's happening and who someone is. Oh, God, no. I was fine with the weird dick, but not that.

Anything but that. Bachelor number two. Shammy. Will you get in a hot and blue with me? In a what? You should know this thing. Well, I get in a what? A hot air balloon.

A hot air balloon. One hundred percent. What do you love about yourself? I love that I'm violent. I'm listening. I love that I help people. Sorry. You love that you're violent,

and then you love that you have. help people. That's right. All right, no further questions. And that's it? You said no further question. I see why that would be misleading. He's a good listener, obviously. I also love drifting from town to town with no fixed address.

Oh, Bachelor number three. Oh, I'm not part of this. I'm in a relationship. Okay. Have you ever heard of the field app? I haven't actually What is that? I guess neither has Columbus Columbus does it

What? Is that a What? The field app is an alternative app where you're not necessarily looking for a relationship or normal sex. For example, I saw a man on field

who was looking for women exclusively eight months pregnant and over. And over. So that, it could be have the baby five years ago? Once it's down there, he knows. I've never heard of this.

I'm not on any of the apps. Before you get confused, Scott, I know you're going to Google it right as we walk off stage. It is spelled F-E-E-L-D. Okay, got it. As opposed to, I'm literate now. F. Already wrong.

I'm sorry. Why? Nope. Why? Why? Why? It's for the way you look at D's fields. D's nuts.

Damn. Beating in my own turn. Look, I... Oh, that actually might be a clench you're getting, Scott. Look at the way I, when I bend down both my knees crack. Hit him against the microphone. Look, Pamela, I actually think that you and Champ, look, no offense, Bill.

Take him. But you're not that great of a catch. You're old, you're dead. Shammy over here, you have a lot in common. You fly through the air. You're violent. You have no fixed address. I've long admired the violence of geese.

They hate everyone And they attack people for no reason That is true I love to fuck with people There was one that took down An entire airliner I believe With our friend Sully Sullenberger Guilty

That was you That was me We were rough and tumbling On the tarmac Come to find there's a plane Coming through We thought we were in the forest but it was an engine.

That's for another show when Sully is here, I think. You know, one time I was on a flight, and the in-flight entertainment played the film Flight, and I thought that was crazy. When you say you were on a flight, you were just flying somewhere, and you were watching the movie flight? I was flying, and I was holding an iPad.

That is crazy. And another thing, I took an Uber today, they were watching Disney's Ice Princess on an iPad while they were driving. Now that's a whole lot of confidence. Well, here's what I'd like to do. I think you should pick Shammy. And if you enjoy your date and you want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it. What kind of budget we're talking?

No one's ever asked me that. before. I'm bound by the we'll pay for your second date rules to pay for any kind of date you can imagine. How many nickels? There's 20 and a dollar. Is that what you're right? Do you not know math yet? Not yet. Okay.

Okay. I'll go on a date with you. Something about you makes me realize I'm terrified to die alone. Shammy, are you going to open up your heart to this goose? Yeah. I don't know how we'll work out the intimacy thing.

but... Leave that to me. All right, Pamela, ladies and gentlemen, Babala! This is exciting. Found love on comedy bang bang. We found love in a hopeless place. Yep.

We found love watching office space. We found love watching office space. You guys are made for each other. That's what I call for play. Now, that's what I call for play. Oh, dear, are you all right? I think this is bad for my vocal cords. I don't have the insurance to cover what this is doing to hand a pilcus.

Wow. All right, well, we have one last guest here on the show. She's been on the show a few times. She's a receptionist at a dental office. Please welcome Carolyn Parker, everyone. Carolyn Parker. Scott, that's for you. Scott, that's for you.

Thank you, Carrie. My mother always said, never go anywhere empty-handed. Okay, that's the tiniest plant I've ever seen. It's not the size of the plant. What is it? It's the size of that. Big fat dick of yours, Scott.

You know that. I'm not going to get into that right now. It's too early in my segment. Hi, hi, everybody. Hi, Carolyn. Great to see you again. It's nice to see you. What a pleasure being out here in the middle of the country.

And looking at everybody's tooth health. You are, of course, a receptionist at a dental office. I'm not a dentist. I am a receptionist, a gatekeeper, if you would. Like St. Peter himself. Just almost too much like San. St. Peter. You have a big book that you look through and see

everyone's sins? Oh, I wish. I mean, sort of. I do. Because I get to look and see what everybody's dirty little mouth has been doing. So when you call and you make a reservation for a tooth cleaning. Is that what they call it a reservation?

These are the specific things in the business that you're in. Yeah, you get a table. Sure. A booth. You reserve a table. for a tooth cleaning, a tooth dunk. And you sit in the lobby, you have a nice relaxing bowl of soup.

You watch a couple of loops of one of our films. Right now, this is exciting. What do you mean one of our films? Do you guys make films in this dentist office? No, we have two films that we have on loop. Oh. Big trouble in Little China.

And this is funny. Manikin, too. We couldn't get Manifax. They're getting one. We couldn't get it. Have either of those aged all that well? Oh, they're great. I think they're great.

I think they are great. Yeah. And, of course, I am the receptionist for Dr. Tooms and Dr. Beecher. That's right. Beecher and Tooms. Dentistry. Tumes and Beecher. Sorry, yes.

Well, if you're going to get it right, then let's try to fucking get it right. And excuse me. I didn't, I don't want to, I don't want to be harsh with you, but let's, you've met me a few times. I have. You've been on our wet day specials here and there. Yes. You, you, uh, thank you.

Sure. Yeah. Very important holiday. You tell us about what's going on in the office. I do. And I do have a particular mission. Uh, Dr. Tumes told me, uh, he sent me around the country and he's helping me teach people to brush their teeth appropriately.

Okay. appropriately. Well, a lot of people don't do it appropriately. I'm sure all of you out there, you brush your teeth every night before you go to bed. Is that correct? If an alarming amount of people didn't say anything, and that's fine.

That's fine. That's fine. We all have our own process. Can I ask a question? Yes. This is Shammy, by the way. Hi, Shammie. Time you chime in.

I love it. I'm Shammie. Beautiful voice. What's the difference between brushing your teeth correctly and brushing them appropriately? I ask that's true. In your professional capacity. Well, a lot of people can brush their teeth appropriately for their own world. So, for example, you might brush your teeth a certain way and it might not clean your teeth,

in your world, you'd be like, well, that was appropriate. So... Can you give me one example of what that means? Yeah. I'll show you. I'll show you how to do it. So, here.

You have a toothbrush here with you? Yeah. Why are you handing it to me? Well, I want everybody to do it at the same time. And this is... Does it work for geese? Of course. A goose has as much...

A goose has the finest tooth. Isn't that what they say? I guess so. Now, a lot of people say, like, well, how long are you supposed to brush your teeth for, right? Well, there's a common question, yes. There's an easy way to remember. Okay. Now, I play a specific song, and it always helps me know how, when to start.

You don't mind if I started roaring fire, do you? Not at all. Not at all. Which, by the way, when you go camping, it is not an excuse to leave your teeth behind. You don't have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep. Okay? All right. You know what?

Can I be honest with you about something? Please, yes. Dr. Tooms and I broke up today. No. Carolyn. You've been having to be. having a secret or somewhat secret relationship with Dr. Toombs since forever. We called it, we had to call it off. It was too much.

What happened? Here, hold this. No. Oh. It's just randomly playing the beach boys for me. No. Dr. Tooms and I decided we weren't supposed to be together anymore. I mean, I think this is probably a good thing. You're co-workers. You're both married? Is it okay, and I don't want to push this on all of you and put my luggage on you, is it okay if I officially break up with him right now? Are you having officially broken up? Okay. You want to call

Dr. Tooms right now? Is he at the office? The office is in... I don't know. There's a good chance he won't answer. There is a very good chance. But you know what? That's part of the dental industry. You have to take chances in big swings. It's more of a baseball thing. Where did you go to school? Okay. Tulane. No, no, no.

Don't you dare. Turn your phone up if you don't mind caring. No, I don't want to do this today. I just told them that we are breaking up today. I'm not going to accept that as truth. I don't think it's healthy for the practice. Honestly, since you went on, since you left, everybody's been coming in saying,

where's Carolyn? People have been asking where I am? Yeah, they want to know. They're missing the Caroloons, you know? I don't know what that means. It's the combination of our two names, Carolyn. It's Carolyn and tunes. Listen, last Friday night, you told me you were going to take me out.

And you didn't show up. I'm not your list. little bitch. I don't apologize. I want to take you out. Tonight, tomorrow night, any night. You name it. Tonight.

I'm there. You're far away. How do you know? Wait. Are you here? You won't know until you check it out. Check what out? Dr. Tunes.

Dr. Tunes? I miss you. What? What? I missed you. You miss me? I miss you so much. Fuck you.

I'm not going to play into his game. He does this and he plays me every time. He plays me every time and I'm not going to do that. I'm an important person and I have a job to do. I mean, you work for Dr. Tooms. Yeah, exactly. I hate to bring this up, but you didn't actually break up with him. You just kind of hung up and then said, fuck you.

You're right. I'll call it. I'll call him back. Try to try to aim that mic right at the speakers. Oh, yeah. And the speakers are always easy to find. No.

You all? No, Tim's God, you're so fucking cute. This is the problem. No, listen, I don't... I gotta put you in. Okay, okay. You're putting me... She'll be...

Hold on. Can you, hold on, hold on. You, motherfucker, you just went and brushed your teeth, didn't you? Hey, listen, I just, if this is going to work between the two of us, we have to, we have to figure something out. I can't. I didn't stand you up for no good reason, Carolyn. Where were you? I wanted pizza.

I was at the past store. are trying to get you a dog. You were trying to get me a dog? Yeah, and they don't sell them at pet stores anymore. This doesn't sound true. Did you? You tell me right now, did you or did you not get me a dog? I could have gotten you a stupid goldfish, but I didn't do that.

Oh, fuck you. Yes! Yes! Yes! No. I won't take it. I won't take it. I'm a strong American woman.

Yes. Carolyn said so. I hope my balloon drifts into wherever that guy lives. I'll beat the hell out of them. Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye, Scott. Yeah, it is, yeah. That's why you haven't... But sometimes that's the thing you need to do.

Sure, yeah. Now, you've just said fuck you twice after hanging up. You still have not concluded your relationship with Dr. Tooms. I'll call him back. I will, and I don't want to do this. I don't want to do it, but I will. This time, try to work up the guts to actually... Hello?

I got your name tattooed on my body someplace very small. Wait, you got my name? Wait, did you get girly or Carolyn? I got them both, and you have to find where they are. And it is not going to be easy. Wait, is this a little treasure? Dr. Tum's, is this a treasure hunt? He does this sometimes.

He does a little treasure hunt with me. Is this one of your treasure hunts? Well, I'm saying... Jesus Christ, are you... Why are you panting right now? I'm so excited to talk to you. I can't believe you've been gone for so long. No, I'm on my way back tomorrow.

I guess it's falling apart. No one's refilling the grafts of soup. What kind of soup do we have tomorrow? I had a, like, a smoky. sausage. No, I said soup. Yeah, a smoky sausage soup. Oh. Will you, if I come back to you, will you treat me different?

I'll treat you anyway. You want to be treated, baby. No, I want to be treated well? You want to be treated boiling. You set the thermometer and I will blow the right temperature. Did you say, do you want to be treated well? Do you want to be treated boiling? Poorly. Poorly. Poorly. Poorly. I want to be treated boiling. You got me boiling. I'm sorry, I can't take this.

I cannot take this anymore. Dr. Tooms? Yeah. This is Bill Walton. Oh, God, I love your work. Thank you. Really? What do you know me from?

Oh, I follow you on the gram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Hey, I've got this pain on my back right side, lower area. in my mouth. That's your teeth, yeah. That's my teeth. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. You're incredible. Thank you. Thank you. He knows what he's talking about. I love it when you meet my friends. Legitimized. All right. I'm going to come home and I'm going to find those two little tattoos. I can't believe you talked me back into this. I ain't letting you go.

Fuck off. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do this. I feel like I hijacked the show when I was really here to teach people how to... It's okay, Carolyn.

It seems like you don't want to be broken up with Dr. Toombs. What? I think you like being treated that way. No, of course I do not. I'm a strong American woman. Give me your phone. Oh. A downloaded field.

You what? You what? I downloaded the field app. Feelead's that guy and find a freak. You have to stop suggesting field to married men here. They don't know what you're talking about. What would Scott? Yep.

What would you do if you were mean? I mean, honestly, I would quit your job. as the gatekeeper The Toombs and Beecher This is a bad situation that you're in with Dr. Tooms. But then I love Being the person that invites people Into the office and puts a smile on their face

Before they're doing something That's a little uncomfortable sometimes Having somebody stick their parts in your mouth You shouldn't serve at the whims of some Spengali creature Pulling the strings of you You know whether or not you respond to his sexual advances You're right I'm going to break up with him, right?

now. Okay. This is it, though. This is it. We have time for one more calls. We don't know that. Pretty sure we do. We don't know that. Every time I think I don't need to call you, you call me back. Dr. Toombs?

Hey, Hey, girl, I'm doing this for the both of us. But I'm breaking up. I'm breaking up with you. It's officially over. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to be treated like the way you've treated me. So I'll still work at the front desk.

I will still fill the crafts with soup. I will still rewind Big Trouble in Little China every morning. But I will not. No, we're not going to do big trouble anymore. We're going to do overboard. Because that's what I feel right now.

Oh my God. You're so hot. It's so hard. You know, Beecher came to me and he said he wanted to hire someone else while you're out there trying to teach people how to brush, and I said, No. No.

She's coming back. Just... Before you hang up, it is the last call. We need some sort of closure. Are you... So this is it. If you have...

I'm wearing nothing more than a lead vest and nothing else. What do you have for you, baby? I'll be home. I'll be home tonight later. Bye. Okay. I can't do it.

I can't do it. I want it to, Scott. I understand. There's an... attraction there. You guys should just stop beating around the bush and just be with each other. No, I can't. He's married.

He's married. Then why do you want to be with someone who's going to treat you like that? Because it's the love you can't have. You guys know what I'm talking about? No. You're always attracted to the love you can have. You're talking into your toothbrush bill.

My mistake. My mistake. I really thought. I thought that was a bit, but I don't think it was. All right, that's our show, everyone. Ryan Gall, Hannah Pilkus. Dan Leopard is his last night. We will see you again.