Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: 2026 Tour, St. Paul - Live From The Fitzgerald Theater (Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, Jessica McKenna, Dan Lippert, Casey Feigh)

Episode Date: June 4, 2026

Live from St. Paul, MN - Scott welcomes to the stage hoteliers Don and Dawn D'Unno (Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkus), brand ambassadors Trayden Sway (Jess McKenna), sports broadcaster Bill Walton (Dan Lippert), and writer Joey Salsa (Casey Feigh)! Recorded May 26, 2026. Special thanks to The Fitzgerald Theater! Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from Behind the Paywall. And this week we have something very special for you. We are on the road at this very moment with our 2026 ground beefing tour. It's Paul F Tompkins, myself, and the CBB All-Stars coming to a city hopefully near you. And so while we're out here, we decided it is the perfect time to showcase the fun. and excitement of seeing CBB live. So this week's bonus bang is going to be the first in a new series we're calling Globetrot with Scott,

where we are featuring some of our very favorite live shows from Tours Past. Now, usually they are Tours Passed and we release older live episodes. But this week we're going to give you a little something extra here. This episode is from the current tour. It's called 2026 Tour, St. Paul. That's right, and it was recorded just last week on May 26th, 2026 at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota on the second stop of the tour. And this episode features Paul F. Tompkins, Dan Lippert, Jess McKenna, and Casey Faye, as well as the return of Lauren Lapkis to the stage. That's right, her first episode that she taped with us from last week.

So, as you'll hear in the episode, our live shows are full of surprises with the funniest guests, the greatest crowd. So if you want to come on out and join the good times, you can catch us. All of the tickets are available at CBBworld.com slash tour. Now, if you enjoy this show and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, I'll add free the Complete Archive as well as other shows like CBB Presents, Scott hasn't seen, The Neighborhood, Listen, College Town, as well as every live episode we've ever done, and the current live episodes that we are releasing one day at a time, as they used to say.

We have everything over there at CBBWorld.com. Become a subscriber over there, and you can get all of that. Plus, you'll get so much more. We're going to be back Monday with the new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Oh, St. Paul. Hold on one second. Tickling my taint won't make you a saint, but do it again, and I'll make some white paint.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Mr. Butley for that catchphrase submission. Ah, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Indeed, my name is Scott Ackerman. Oh, please, another round. of applause, even though lesser. It doesn't matter. No, more? More? Yep, whatever you said.

Thank you so much for being here. One of our favorite places to play, whatever this place is called. No, if it's Cheryl Theater, we love it here. We love playing Minnesota. Our very first tour back in 2012, I think we took a shot at playing Minnesota, and our agent was like, I don't know,

a lot of places don't play Minnesota, and I knew that the crowds here were the greatest crowds in the world. So here we are, cut to, I'm sorry, smash cut, 14 years later, and here we are at this beautiful theater. And we have a fantastic show for you tonight. How many people have seen a comedy bang bang show before? How many people have no idea what this is?

Who was that? Offly close. Were you dragged here by... Yeah. Now you guys are just pointing at each other. I wasn't even talking to you. So you dragged her or she dragged you? Okay.

I was talking to them behind you, actually. Wait, brother-in-law, you really wanted to get out ahead of me thinking that you guys were together. Maybe because you're wearing a hat that says salty. Now, what is the nature of your relationship behind them? You've been doing this to him for 16 years? What?

Subjecting him to coming to this? That's very nice. So you have seen one of these. You know what's going on. But you have no idea what's going on. Okay. Well, I'm not going to tell you. No, this is a, it's essentially a talk show.

Nothing you see here tonight has been, planned in advance. I barely know any of the people who are coming out here on stage. And I'm the host of the talk show, and we're going to have a good time tonight. I think coming up a little later, on the show tonight, we have some hoteliers.

Wow. As the French say, we have a brand ambassador. I'm now really doubting the fact that I paused after each one for applause, because they get worse and worse. A broadcaster? Whoa!

And a writer. So this is a good show. You're here on a magic night. And, oh, by the way, this is the most exciting words in the English language, live podcast taping. All of your reactions will be heard throughout eternity here. So, yes.

Do them loud. Do them often. So we're going to have a good time tonight. But before we get to that, they're ahead of me already. A spontaneous chant of BR has already erupted? Is this possible? Of course, at this point in previous tours, I have done something that initialized is known as the BR.

Last night, we played Toronto, and I gave the crowd the option of really, saying what is going to happen on this tour. I said, if you want the BR, we will do the BR for the rest of the tour. The vote is not up to you, sir. Huh? Who just said something? The vote was up to the good folks of Toronto, our friends to the north. I don't care. Would it surprise you to know, St. Paul, that they voted to have the BR on every show this tour. So it's time. Let's do it. It's time for the Balcony report. Here we go.

Most people know what the balcony report is, if you don't, sir, Mr. Salty. Essentially what it is. The balcony is known as the apex of modern architectural achievement. When you're a performer like we are, you dream of playing theaters with balconies because that implies that there was not enough room in the venue to fit all the people who wanted to see you. They had to build upward. And what you hope to achieve by the end of a tour like this

is to have an average of one balcony per venue. Now, I'm going to give you three numbers here tonight. And I expect the excitement to rise with each one. The first number I'm going to give is how many balconies are in this venue? Don't look behind you. Don't spoil the fun. The second number I'm going to give you is the total number of balconies, thus far on the tour.

That is going to be a higher number, presumably. The third number, this is an added number for this tour, the third number I'm going to give you is the average number of balconies we have played over the tour. Bear in mind this is our second show. So these numbers may not be as impressive as we would like them to be,

but once we get to that average, you want it to be at about one. All right, here we go. You ready? Because I am pleased, as punch, to inform the good people of St. Paul, that the Fitzgerald Theater has two balconies. And that means, thus far, we have played in front of three balconies. We have played to an average of 1.5 balconies. Whoa. A lot of empty seats.

That's what he said? Well, I don't even care. Oh, that was, those are good stats. 1.5, already up to 1.5. Wow. Eh, what else? No, of course there's nothing else. Are you guys ready to start this show? Here we go. We have a good one.

I want to make sure I get their names right. They are, of course, hoteliers. Yes. They've never been on the show before. entering the esteemed one-timers club. Please welcome to the show, Don and Don Don Don Don, please. Don and Don and Don, everyone. Don and Don.

Well, thank you for having us on your show. What a treat. This is such a treat. We've never been on a stage before. We've never been on a stage. Have you even before we met? No, no, never once you? Me neither, no.

Oh, that's a mozings. It's a mozine. Dawn and Dawn. So nice to meet you. I'm Dawn. And I'm Dawn. Okay. Spelled differently or the same way?

Why don't you take a little guess? This is always fun. Differently. Okay. Well, why don't you guess how? What are the differences? I would say the vowels. Okay.

Possibly a consonant. Possibly. Do you dare to guess further? I'm going to guess one of you. you is spelled D-A-H-U-N-N. Oh, that's a new one on me. Never heard that before. Never heard that before.

Have you been smacked with a pen? Smacked with a pen, young man. Not today, but in the past, perhaps. But why don't you guys just tell me the spelling of your names? That would be a little easier than me trying to guess. Because there's 26 letters in the English alphabet, in the combinations. And 32 teeth in the English. English mouth.

Not mine, of course. Of course not. I gotta make room for the dicks. He's just kidding. She's just kidding. Sometimes we're naughty. Just a little. Just a little.

Just a turn of your mood. It's not against the law. No, it's not. You can be naughty all you want. Unless you do something really bad. Like murder. That's more than naughty. Then you go to jail.

And hell. Why do we send murderers to jail when they're already going to hell? That's a great question. It is. In the criminal justice system... I'm interested. Keep going. Was it forced by two separate but equally important groups. The police who investigate crimes.

Executors would try the cases? Would you like to hear some of their stories? How about their famous song? Kung Kong. I love that song. I love that song. I could listen to it over and over. Do you remember they painted at our wedding?

Yes, they did. We said, everybody get out of the floor. It was the fastest dance ever. The pictures were incredible. Just a blur of motion. It was really a boomerang. We had the first boomerang at our wedding. Really?

Yes. Meaning the actual Australian thing that they throw it. kangaroos. The weapon. Really? Yes. You had the first one. Yeah, we invited a lot of objects to our wedding.

Yes, we didn't. What other objects? Front row was a bed. The top hat from Monopoly. Okay. The dog from Monopoly. The thimble from a sewing kit. That was sometimes used in Monopoly.

When someone lost the original thimble. A tiny hat for a frog, not from Monopoly. No. Slightly tinier. Are you guys big Monopoly fans? No. We don't like organized games. No.

The only game we've ever played together is Kruplunk. And that's when I push him in the tub. So, D-O-N-D-A-W-N? Yes. Now, can you get to the spelling of our last name? Dino is the name. Is that a certain ethnicity? It is.

It is. Italian. Would you like to guess some ethnicities? On this recording? You're right. I'll pass on that. But why don't you just tell? You have two passes left?

Okay. And then something very bad happens. Oh, it's so bad. Oh, no. Oh, no. So, uh, de no, no, I would, I would think would be like, D. Good. You?

At least I didn't pass. That's right. You tried. Would you like a hint? Sure. It involves punctuation. Like Tony, Tony, Tony? Tony.

Exactly. Exactly. Like, Tony, Tony, Tony. Yes. D-A-posterphy. Yes. Keep going. Exclamation point.

No. D-apostrophe, yes. N-O? No. No. D-A-posterfy U and N-O. D-N-N-O.

D'-no. Wonderful. D'-no. D'-no. D-no. Yes. D-no. D-no.

D-no. D-no. And that was your name, and you took his name? Are you married or are you married? Is you married? We've mentioned our wedding. Did you... I thought maybe your brother and sister

and you had a wedding with, you know, on the same day with each of each other. Not to each other. That's what you thought. We had a wedding... We thought we were a brother and sister. Brother and sister. And we had a wedding the same day.

And we did one death together. To the lawn order theme song? Which as everyone knows is gung-dunk. So you are together. In all kinds of weather. We'll always be together as one. Yes.

That's what we said in our wedding day. We joined souls. Yes, we did. Yes, we did. It was a beautiful ceremony. It was. The bed loved it. The bed?

The simple cry. And what attracted you to each other? Was it just the way you both talk? Well, we ended up... Here's the thing. Neither of us talked this way before we met. No, we didn't. And then we slowly morphed together

to having a safe voice. Yes. We had surgeries that pulled our lips like this. Butthole mouth, we call it. We call it that. The doctors begged us to stop saying it. Doctors had a much more technical term. I can't remember.

Anus orifice. We just call it butto-mouth. We just call it but-ho-mouthed. Yeah. And I thought that you were trying to say that the more you were around each other you guys met in the middle of how you talked. Oh, no, that changed.

We started to say that and then we changed. One of the things that attracted us to each other was we had the same last name. Yes, we didn't. Really? So I didn't have to take his last name because I already had it. And I didn't have to give her mind

because she already had it. She already had it, and you know you're not related to each other. We... Yes. That would be a sin. We took a prick of our blood and wiped it on a paper, and nothing happened. If we were related, there would have been flames. Good to go.

Next stop, surgery. Now you're hoteliers. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Let's segue into that. Okay, we'd love to talk about our business.

We do because it's our life's passion and work. Okay. You own one hotel, multiple hotels? We have a bed and breakfast. So not a hotel. No. But you can stay there. You can, and that's technically being a hotelier.

Wonderful. And this is your home, or this is... Well, yes. Interesting. that you ask that. It is a bed and breakfast, and we do live there. We do live there, but we have guests, and we make them breakfast, and we make the beds.

Yes, we do. Is this, did the bed that was invited to your wedding? Did they somehow get involved? That bed is not in our lives anymore. We had a bit of a falling out. Sometimes it's tough to look at the pictures in our wedding album. Mm-hmm.

What happened? Did you have sex on it? Or... Well... Did you? I don't know. Honestly. We had sex with it. If you must know.

So a thruple situation involving a bed? No. We each had sex independently with the bed. And then found out later. And it almost broke us. That bed seduced us and tried to tear us apart. It was crazy. It was nuts.

We rose above and stayed together. We did. And the bed had to go. We tried marriage. counseling, which was where we prick our finger. And wipe the blood on the paper. And it didn't burst into the fleas. And that when we were good to go again.

More surgery time. You had multiple surgeries? Yes, can't you tell we look exactly alike? This time we did the nose. We made it as small as a button. Yeah, okay, yeah. So you had different types of noses before. It is very similar now that I'm looking at you both, yeah.

I had an even smaller nose than I do now. So you got yours enlarged somehow? With the extra from her nose. Do you like them? Do you? Do you like to like our noses? Come on. Come on.

I don't like to comment on guest's physical appearance. You're being invited to. I wish they were perhaps a little more proportional to your faces. Ooh. I'll take that into a consideration for the next surgery. Smaller face. Yes, so the nose looks bigger. Yes.

Thank you for your help. I'm not quite sure how you get a smaller face. I mean, isn't it based on skull size? That's for the doctors to say. So you are plastic surgery enthusiasts mainly. Is that what I'm getting? We're not enthusiastic about it. No, no.

Surgery is no light matter. Do you enjoy it when it's done? I mean, there's a lot of recovery time, I would imagine. We like bandages. Yes, we do. We like to lay in bed together and recover. We watch soap operas in game shows. Yes, we've seen every episode of General Hospital.

Are you familiar with General Hospital? General Hospital, yeah. It's a classic soap opera that's been running for decades at this point. Decades. And we've seen every episode. And how, did you have to go backwards once you started watching? Or did you just... We started at episode one.

That's how we did it. And then we watched episode 105. And then we watched episode two. Then we watched 2004. We go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And then we're eventually going to meet in the middle. And we'll find out what happened then.

Who are your favorite characters at this point? Blackie Parrish. See the guy with the eye patch? No. That's a different guy. I think that's Days of Our Lives. I like the little doll that came to life. That's no.

I'm just kidding. You know that's for passions. But I do like the doll. I do like the doll. I wish we had a doll like that. We can. A living doll that would come to life? Perfect for the bed and breakfast.

Perfect for the bed and breakfast. Wouldn't you like to stay at a bed and breakfast with a living doll? May I get you another hard-boiled egg? Can I put your dentures in a solve? No, honestly. You have dentures, right? Come on. What about us all?

It sounds a little creepy to me. I mean, a little doll running around and... He wouldn't be running around. No, walking slowly. Yes. So you wouldn't be doing like the Michael Jackson dance with that the robot? What's that? Why would you assume that?

There's a robot that did dance to Michael Jackson. Let's see it. Well, I mean, if I had to imitate it, it would... Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do no. Oh no. Oh no. We can wrap you up if you need.

We have plenty of bandages. So would you like us to talk while you catch a breath? I'm good. We can tell you what we serve every morning. Yes, every morning. The breakfast part of the pit of breakfast. the bit of breakfast. It's really lovely. Why did you get into the hotel business?

You don't want to hear what we serve every morning? I did not hear what you just said. Go ahead. I'm still trying to recover. It's because there's so much blood in your ears. I offered to tell you what we serve for breakfast. Yes, I would love to hear this. Yes. Hard-boiled egg.

Wet-boiled pancake. We like the middle's gushy. Ooh, and the middle is so gushy. Tomato juice. Tomato paste. Are these condiments or drinks? Yes. Rashes of bacon.

Rashes and watchu? I didn't hear what you said. Rashu what's Asho? Did you say rations of bacon? Rashers. Rashers. I don't know what rashers are. I don't either.

They're big troughs. You could stick your face in and go. Oh, oh, do, do, do, do, do, do, go to town. We ring that. Bring the bacon bell. When we get somebody really eating the bacon, we ring the bacon bell and we do a little dance. I would love to see it.

Of course. Of course. We'd love to demonstrate for you. Well, can you sing the bacon song? Of course. I'm sure you know it. And bacon, bacon, bacon, we eat it every day. Bacon, bacon, bacon.

And this is just the way. We like to dance for bacon. Not like that. I thought we agreed. We could interpret the bacon dance in our own way. We've worked on the choreography. I know, but I get. I feel like it's gotten stale.

Oh, so you're trying to change it now. I'm not trying to change it now. I'm just trying to compliment what you're doing. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hey.

Hey, we're good, buddy. We're good, buddy. We're good, buddy. We're good, buddy. We have the same nose. Same nose. Same nose. Same nose.

Same nose. Same mouth. Same nose. Same mouth. Going to have same eyebrows. Same forehead. March 21st. Oh, I can't wait.

Can't wait. Peky problems. Sorry about that. No problem. Why so long before that surgery? Oh, you heard us? I did. I'm sorry. The doctor likes to make sure we're ready and we really want it.

He keeps asking us every month. Are you sure? And we keep saying, yeah. So why did you get into the hotel business? Or do you... We like to cuddle people? We do. We like to tuck them in and then climb in with them. Make them nice and cozy. We like to tell stories.

We like to tell a little ghost story before bed. Or a happy fairy tale, your choice. You just push the button on here. shirt and it will tell you that type of story. I have an electric shirt. Is it voice activated? No, you have to push it. Why would you... Why would you push your voice?

I mean, when you push it, it activates your voice. No, it tells me what the person wants. One says ghost, one says fairy. Here, listen. Ghost, so it's a ghost. Two button system? Fairy, very. Then there's other ones we've just added. Outside, outside.

Treat, treat. That's when he wants a little brownie. We added this one for fun, bitch. Well, fun for you. It is fun for me. I like being called a bitch. So this, I mean, this sounds more like a, ooh. This sounds more like a sexual enticement than an actual.

No. You're a pervert. We've never had sex. We've never had sex. The two of you have never had sex with each other. We've had sex with that bed. Yes. And other things.

You're married. Why not consummate the relationship? So boring. Not what it's about for us. It's about an emotional connection. We connect here. Not here. Not here?

Here. Here. Or here. Nothing in the bathing suit area. Nothing but the bathing suit touches. That was in our vows. Nothing that the bathing suit touches. Jinks, you owe me a Coke.

Jinks, you owe me another Coke. I know. We said that with the officiant, and then he was a jinx too. And then we all had to get lots of coax. That was what the reception was. A lot of coax in one song. Was that the all? only other human that was at the

reception? My mother was there. My mother was there. My father was there. My father was there. And there are human beings? My mother's a coat rack, if you must know. My father's a big yellow trash truck.

My father's a set of sheets unwrapped from T.J. Max. My mother's a broken Christmas ornament. But they love. us very much. Yes. They told us we could do anything we wanted to do, except open and bedded breakfast.

And that's when we got naughty. We got a little naughty. Would you like to stay there, Scott? Would you like to stay? Where is this located? Is it here in town or? It's in Dorth Nacoda.

Interested? If you ever find yourself at Dorth Nocoda, Please stay at a bed at breakfast. We'll tuck you in and cuddle you. Tell you a ghost story or a fairy tale. Or give you a treat. Or call you a bitch.

Is it extra if I get all of them? Yes. Extra fun. So I'm picking up you guys are a little eccentric. Well, who is it these days? Yeah, you're eccentric as well. You just danced like a robot. You dance like a robot.

That's a good point. But you, I mean, you guys, found each other, that's amazing. Do you get a lot of business at this place? No, it's a business. It's booming. Booming. Everybody keeps boom.

So many people coming through, and they love to stay at a breakfast and bed and breakfast. Our Yelp reviews are impeccable. Everybody loves it. Could you read some? Sure. Pull out the book. Okay. Wait, you keep that.

Whoa. That's a huge tome. Sorry. for all the dust. Somehow this book always has an inch of dust on it every time we pick it up. I don't know how. Kachunk.

From Joanna. She said, what a lovely stay. I was massaged all night by the lady and caressed all night by the man. One star. Check this one out.

This is from Cicero. My wife and I were celebrating our one-year wedding anniversary, the paper anniversary. We looked in the newspaper

and found this place. We're on the right track, we said. Well, I was told a ghost story, but I was woken up to be told the ghost story. My wife was told the fairy tale and she was knocked on their head to go to sleep. When I woke up, the man was holding my hand

against a button on his shirt that kept saying, Bitch, bitch, bitch. One star. I remember them. I remember them. Seems a little unfair to give you one star. Well, one star is...

One star. The earth has one star. The sun. Breakfast has rated the sun. Would you want five sons? Better than that? It's actually a lot of stars up there. I don't know if you've noticed them.

There's the whole... They're far away. The one you really see is the sun. It's right up in the sky. And there's just one of those, baby. Get it through your head, sweetie pie. That thick skull of yours. You brain dead moron.

Okay, okay. All right, all right, all right. I take a lot of abuse up here. Oh, is that so? We've never been on a stage. Is that what happens? No, no. Well, I mean, yes.

but I don't want it to happen. We were told it's part of it. Is it supposed to heckle the people on stage? That they like it. They like it. No, no, no, no. But why have you never been on a stage before? You've never wanted to act?

What a normal question. I did magic for many years. But it was always on grass. Yes. And I, of course, sang opera under a turnover wheelbarrow. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. Do you want to give it a try? I kind of do.

Give him a little poke. Bitch. It's fun. It is. It is indeed. Oh, I'm aroused. How did you... How did you do meat?

This sounds like an exceptional love story. Oh, it's such a story. It was a meat cute if ever there was one. The cutest meat of all time. The cutest meat of all time. Now, I was riding a tiny pony through town square. And what is tiny to you? Seven feet wide and 12 feet tall.

That's just tiny to me. I was dancing on the head of a pin. And I almost crushed him. I almost was crushed. And my horse said, and I said, Whoa boy, what is it? And it said, the love of your life.

And I promptly rolled off. On to me. The pin went through. my eye. Oh, no. Don't worry, we fixed it. I got a pin in my eye. Now we match.

And how long before you guys knew you were inseparable? We knew it once. Instantly. We fell in love at first Sapeico. And that's how it went.

The rest is history. Well, it sounds like an incredible business. It is. It is. And what is it called, if you don't mind me asking? Well, the name couldn't be cuter. It makes all the sense in the world.

It's kind of A to B when you hear it. Yes, you'll think I should have guessed that. Yes. It's called everybody. Get ready to break your... Full disclosure, we are not the number one pasta factory. No, it's just the name. It's just a name.

Can I ask how many people arrive expecting a big bowlful of pasta? Probably 100%. Yes, I would say. Somewhere between 100 and all. Yes. We don't serve pasta. We never do.

No, I don't like the look of those noodles. It looks like a brain turned into worms. Something out of a haunted house, indeed. Ooh! Grapes are like eyes. and your hotel is not haunted? No. Not until we die.

That's right. We will haunt it. And, and I mean, when do you think you're going to die if you had to lay odds? Well, let's see. Probably February 18th.

20. 70. 70. We haven't marked on our calendar. Yes. If it hasn't happened naturally by then, we'll take it into our own hands. Yes.

I'm going to strangle him. And I'm going to strangle her. It'll be a murder, murder. You hope to have the light go out in your eyes at exactly the same time? We've practiced, many times. Can I see some of your...

Sure. Well, we choke each other until we get right there. And then we say, So right there. Break. So that's what as long as it takes before we die. We have it timed out perfectly. And of course, when we do it,

we're going to expel all the air from our lungs. First we'll go. Yes, we'll go. And also we're going to put socks in our mouth. Each other's, of course. I'm going to give him a nice silky pair of mine for him. That's right. And my big old knit wet weather socks.

So you have that to look forward to in 45 years. Yes. How old will you be then? Probably in our 50s. Yes. Wait. You got your children? A lady never tells.

Tell her never ladies. Okay. Don and Don Don De No, everyone. And Don DeNoe. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

I feel like I'm pressing different ones. I don't. I want the treat button. Well, we have an incredible show. Can you guys stick around? Sure. Okay, great. We have nowhere to be until tomorrow when our guest checks out.

You're not there. You have guests right now? Yes. We've told them the story. They're tucked in. Pretty early. They wanted to go to bed. Okay.

Do you want to call them? Sure. I don't have that number. You don't have your own number? They won't answer my phone. Why would they answer our phone? No, you don't have an answer, do you? Think before you speak to you.

I'm done talking to you. You brain dead, boy. You're a piece of fucking asshole. Fucking pieces of shit. All right, shake it off. Shake it off. It was a great interview. You should be proud.

Unless he was about to sing Taylor Swift. Ooh, are you a Swifty? All right, we have a great guest coming to the stage. They are a brand ambassador. This is very exciting. I don't know for what, but also joining the first-timers club. Please welcome Trade and Sway, everyone. Trade and sway.

Bitch. Trade and, Trayden, please stop. Are you flirting? Ha! Hey, Trayden. Hey, Trayden. Please, have us. All right, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. Very nice to meet you. Trayden. Nice to meet you, Scott. This is Don and Don, of course. Yeah, hello. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Doris Tacana? Is that where I place it? Doris Nicota. Yeah. Hell yeah. Sick. Sick. Very sick. Very sick. Very tight. Yep. Fire. Yep. Trayden, tell us a little bit about yourself. Absolutely, my guy. My pleasure. Start with your gender. Wow, that's a rude question. Good interview.

Hell yeah, standards. He has our ethnicity and your gender in the first two seconds. Yeah, hell yeah. Is this a questionnaire? I just realized that was not discussed backstage. Hell yeah. He, him, his male. All right, hell yeah.

Wonderful. Glad we got that a little way. So you are a... A 23-year-old man. Love that. Obviously? Obviously. Obviously.

Why is it obvious that you're 23? Because I'm telling you the truth. Usually when someone says obviously, it's after... Because I want you to know you can trust me, obviously. Okay. Because I said it. So you're here... All of our guests are under oath, by the way.

Yeah, that's how I feel like interviews are. Hell yeah. Yeah. So you're telling the truth. You're completely candid with us. That's right. You're a 23-year-old gentleman. That's right.

Hell yeah. And where are you from? I'm from right here. Land of 10,000 lakes. Yeah, St. Paul, let's go. Beautiful. Beautiful, gorgeous place. Gorgeous place.

Very hot today, very human. Warm, yeah. Gotta love it. Do you know this? Cold a lot of the time. God's honest truth, hell yeah. You're not lying? No, no, no, that's all true.

Is this real? It's real. This is real. Bitch. It's actually... That was higher. Wait, wait. That was a secret one.

Wait, wait. Can I find... Bitch. No, really? All of them? No. Bitch. Wait.

Wait. Bitch. Dude. Fix your shirt. Oh, it's fixed. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. The bitch is fixed.

Is that a song? I don't know. It should be. Should be. Let's try it. Is that a song? I don't think so, but do you have designs on making music? No, no, no.

Sorry. You don't like to sing impromptu songs? Trade and sway. hasn't really thought that much about it. Have you ever even tried? I mean... I guess I could try. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, let me try it. Let me try it one more... Let me try it one time for the first time. One more time. One more time for the first time ever. Hell yeah. What do we say? The bitch is fixed.

Okay. A bitch got fixed on that bitch. I might have just darted it in one and... Sounded a little like, Have you ever seen a fox? Down in a box? by the bay, down by the bay. Do you listen to children's music exclusively?

I'm not familiar with that one. Ever since I was a kid, I just loved it. Do you know what? That's because here in Minnesota, we don't sing that version. What do you say? We sing, huh? I heard that one. I haven't.

You have a gorgeous voice. Thank you. Well, yeah. I was not talking to you, Dawn. What a nice young man. It was definitely not talking to you. No, you do have a great voice, honey. Thank you.

You do, too. Thank you. Ha! Hell yeah, you guys sound like tea kettles. Thank you. That's my favorite song. I'm a little teapot short and stout. Oh, sick. Here in Minnesota, we sing.

That's what we sing here. That's how you do it here. Yeah, we do it kind of different. So now, from what I've been led to believe, you're a brand ambassador. Hell yeah. Whoa. Nanu, nanu. Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, dude. So I finished school, and then I took a little backpocking trip, and then it's time for a trip. trading to get the first J-O-B, and I landed in absolutely a dream spot, my guy. Okay. I am just absolutely delighted to be working for Hidden Valley. And it's just like a beautiful way to spend one's time. Hidden Valley is the...

The makers of ranch. Oh, I always thought it was a Hidden Valley ranch. I thought it was a ranch that was in a Hidden Valley. That's a common conception. I won't even say it's missed. Thank you. Because that's like what I've found working at in Valley is like it's not about keeping secrets hidden. In fact, like they show me the recipe.

It's not like a KFC moment. I'm just there. You know, they say, Scott, careful how you spend your moments because those become your days and those become your life. Whoa, I've never heard that. Really? Oh, sorry. In Minnesota we're saying careful. And I've just landed in this absolutely beautiful spot where I get to spend my working hours. 10 to 4.30. Anytime off for lunch, or?

Yep. A full hour 15 in the middle. It's a great company. Just mixing vats of ranch. I stand. I stand. I have to be like really grounded there, you know, but it's easy because I feel it. And I just mix vats of ranch. Absolutely no ceasing, no stopping. smelling the beautiful smells of garlic powder and dried parsley. Then I take an hour 15 for lunch.

What do you eat? Do you know, right now I've been really into, this is wild. I've been into turkey and brie sandwiches that I dip in ranch. Whoa, that sounds so good. What do you wear when you mix the ranch? Oh, great question. I wear whatever I want underneath and then on the outside a white jumpsuit. and then a hairnet

and also glovies and what do you want to wear underneath? Oh, it depends sometimes it's like part of my dad's hand-me-down vintage tea collection sometimes it's like promotional shirts I get from donating blood. Sometimes

what are some of the businesses that you end up on those shirts? Oh yeah, the like Red Cross things for donating Oh, it's exclusively the Red Cross? For me, but yeah, you're right, they do have sometimes corporate sponsors. I have some that, like, are from Taco Bell. Taco Bell X. Red Cross?

That's right. Do you ever donate blood on your lunch break? Great question. I do, because you know what? I got to be careful, and now I'm putting ranch on everything. Do you know that if you donate blood, it's like a 500-calorie deficit? Oh, wow. So I donate blood as often as I can.

I can't believe that question finally lined up with someone. I always wonder if people donate blood during lunch. Have you ever donated blood, Scott? I have, yes. What type you? I don't really remember. Yeah, it's hard to remember. Do you know if you're posy or neg?

I believe I'm paused. Cool, sick, yeah. Yeah, I'm not one of the great ones like O'Neg. Sure, O to be O'Neg. Yeah, but I'm just one of the regular... O NEC. I could save a great... We learned that in school.

Everyone in Minnesota learns that. So when you say you're a brand ambassador, it sounds like you're more of the person stirring it? Well, I just find that everywhere I go, like, do you know, it's just, the reality is like, Scott, I hate to tell you this because this might like drop the scales from your eyes.

But most corporations are really bad. And so when you find one that's actually like upstanding, you're happy to ambassador their brand. And that's how I feel working for Hidden Valley. It's just good people, good pay, hour and 15 for lunch, and I freaking love how I spend my waking moments

stirring vats of ranch. Do you have a great big spoon? Yeah, thanks for asking. Did you have it before you worked there? Yeah, thanks for asking. Is it wooden? Yeah, thanks for asking. When do they tell you

how to find the ranch? Oh, my dear man. Bit. You can't touch his knee like that, I'm sorry, yeah He's got buttons all over the place No, he was just calling you a bitch Oh Oh, damn

Not you, him Oh He's catching strays Yeah Hell yeah You okay? I'm fine, fine, please get it. Do that thing where you scissored your hands again

Oh yeah You're right? Yeah Oh, yeah. Yeah. You all right? No, I'm not all right. I'm sorry, did I overhear that you...

Your mother was a coat rack? That's true. Your father was some sheets from T.J. Mags? Yes. Unopened. Unopened. Hell yeah. Oh, no, man.

The Hidden Valley's just a vocative name. Oh. Yeah, do you know that there's a hidden valley in every state? No. Yeah, and they'll tell you where it is. There's a hidden valley. Valley in every state a dip in land that nobody

knows about. But that they'll fully just tell you where it is. They'll tell you. They'll tell you. So they do know. They'll tell you. Why do they want people to think that it's hidden? You know... They're just making rent, right? Do they make the ranch in the valley? Yeah, where do you make it?

Where do you go into the office? Okay, so you park your car at a distant, separate parking lot. Okay. And then you enter sort of like, uh, sort of looks like a Cold War era building, then you go down an elevator and your head kind of goes, wong. And you have a badge. And then when you're in there, you talk to your other stirers, and you don't remember what happens on the outside. And then sometimes you can take your lunch break

in this room with goats, although it feels like they're like, we didn't need this room. And they might want to abandon it. But I love taking my lunch break there. At least I think I do. That's what I find in my secret journals I keep in my mouth. And then... And then you come back out, and your head goes, wum, and your hair looks a little bit better. And then you go home. It's a great company I love working for.

Ranch! See, you don't have any memory of stirring the ranch or anything like that. No, yeah. Hell yeah. I don't, Scott. I'm sorry. I know that this interview is under oath. I just like, I don't want you to feel like I was lying to you.

It was more that I was parsing information as I felt safe. You were being selective about what you told me. Right. Weren't you? Sort of dishonest. You're right. Damn. I'm so sorry I did that to you, Scott.

It's quite all right, young man. I'm sorry I did that to you, St. Paul, Twin Cities, Greater Twin City area. And what about us? Of course. The Deneas? I can't believe I did that to you Thank you. You're the ones I didn't love the most.

We accept your apology. Jinks, you owe me a Coke. Jinks, now you owe me a Coke. Jinks! I didn't say it. You know, we should add a feature to our bed and breakfast where our heads go one-on-one. Yeah, I think you have to have an elevator.

Hell yeah. Okay, we can put that in. Or a bucket where you pull me on a string. Oh, I like that. So you don't have any memory of ever eating ranch. Well, I eat ranch in my life. But when I come out, I find little notes that I've rolled up and I've hidden in a false tooth in the back of my mouth.

Okay. And when I pull it out, it says, another eight hours of stirring. And the company's called Hidden Valley, and they say, we're not hiding anything from you. You chose this to escape some trash. tragedy in your life, and you wanted this, and I go, yeah, that's right. So, I mean, but you know what the tragedy is, right?

No, for me? Wait, so the person on the inside had the tragedy? No, I just needed a job. I just think that's their boilerplate contract. Okay, got it. So the escape is when you go to work, but then in your regular life, you still know about the tragedy. No, not me.

I'm fine. I'm seeing their boilerplate contract that everybody signs is like, we understand you're escaping tragedy. and I was like, it doesn't apply to me, but I'll sign anyway. Oh, I see. It's just a tough job market, you know? And how much do they pay you? Unclear.

So you don't get the money. I think they just pay for my house. What's your house like? It's an orb. Interesting. Clear or opaque? Opaic. Hell yeah.

That's the way. That would be embarrassing whenever you got nude if it was clear. Hell yeah. Can you imagine being in an orb that's clear and you're nude? What are you, Galinda? She travels in a bubble, Scott. I've seen... She's not nude, though.

Not that I've seen. Wicked is our favorite movie. We love it. We love it. We sing the end. Let me hold your figure. Thank you. Hell yeah.

These two are special. They really are something. It's really magical being in their presence. It really is. Do you have a loved one? You mean like, am I dating anybody? Sure. I think I am dating someone in Hidden Valley, but I don't know.

Oh, what are the clues? Well, one day, the note in my hidden tooth said, I stirred next to her today. And then when I was getting in my Mazda, I saw someone across. And I was like, I feel like I know you. Did you want to go up to them? No, I had to get home. I had hockey practice.

Do you think you... Wait, you play hockey? Yeah. Why are we not talking about that? Bro, come on, man. Of course I play hockey. I'm from here. Okay.

Do I breathe? Do I know about gray ducks? Have I seen a play at the Guthrie Theater? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. In 2009, I saw Carolina change. During Kushner Fest. Tony Kushner?

The very same. In 2008. How old was I? Okay, this will be fun. Math. 16, 17 years. A girl? A girl.

Okay, I was six. Hell yeah. It's a little young to be seeing Tony Kushner's work. What do you think? Of Carolina Change? Yeah, it's a six-year-old. Oh, it's great. Really beautiful.

The washing machine sings, and it's great. The washing machine sings. What? Like a brave little toaster. Like my uncle and her aunt How come, hey, can I ask you Can I ask you guys a question? Sure.

How are you here? What do you mean? Well, like, you're descended from objects. Just like, how did you come to pass, I suppose? Is this like a beauty and the beast situation? Yeah, were they human at one time, and they had you, but then they got object cursed and you had to raise yourselves?

You've nailed it. I guess, yeah. I had figured earlier when we were talking to it. I just didn't want to say anything. Were you worried that that would be insensitive? Yeah, you know. Because you started by saying, what's your gender to me? You know, if someone's object cursed.

Yeah. It's in the light to really bring it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever been object cursed? No, no. Thank God. Oh, man, really? Yeah.

I thought during COVID I might get into it, but... No, no. What was... Who cursed you? Do you remember? Who cursed you? We weren't cursed? Well, no, we weren't.

Everyone we know. Everyone you know was It was an old witch. An old crown. An old crone of a witch. She was old witch. Bitch. Hilarious.

Yeah. But do you know that bed? Every time hilarious. That bed that we fucked was actually a good friend of ours before. Oh, so the bed used to be a human. Yes. Oh, that makes sense.

That makes sense. But was a human. Do you know what a little dog was a human? The dog was a human. Is the dog an Ottoman now? The dog is still. a little monopoly dog. The dog was a human

that was turned into the monopoly dog. Oh. The Ottoman was always an Ottoman. But what a best man. Oh, what a best man indeed. He was a great dancer during our dance.

You let other people dance during your dance? That's sweet. It was the only song we played. Oh, not a lot of dancing at your wedding? Just one great song. Did it go like this? I wish we could be more people. No, it went like this.

The Netflix theme? Close. No. You're showing your age. That goes, gung. Oh, sorry. Was yours law and order? Yes.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, I wish we could hear it now. I wish someone would be able to play it. If only someone could do that. I wish somebody wasn't having earbuds in right now as we're doing the show. We wish you could make the sound go. The earbuds are out.

The gongk from Law & Order, not to be confused with the Netflix. So we're doing this thing on stage. Play the Law and Order song from our wedding. It goes like this. Duk-dunk. You can't just say it and not on mic. If only you had a computer right in front of you.

He's not... It's fine. We don't need to hear it right now. No, who cares? Who cares what we want? Maybe he'll surprise us. later, or not. Or not. Anyway, back to the game.

Twelve angry men over there. Well, this is an incredible story. There's an actual... No, again, not you. Did you think I was just talking about what happened right then with the chaos stage? It was a good story. It was incredible.

Many will talk about it for years to come. Do you ever tell that? as the fairy tale? The thing that just happened? Yes. We often do. It's our most requested story. And then is your scary story

the origin of how your family is still cursed as objects? No, the scary story is that we never get to hear the Law and Order song. Oh, that's terrifying. Hell yeah. Well, look, I think you're a very interesting person. Thank you.

A male person. Hell yeah. A male person. That's right. Hell yeah. Who is a brand ambassador who stirs all day. Yeah. Well, I think I do.

I think I stir all day. Yeah. Yeah. Does your arm hurt? Yeah, it does. When you fell from heaven? Wait a minute. Are you interested in...

That's fine. I'm interested in religion. What? Oh, you want to know about heaven and hell? Yes. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. Huh. Sick. Hey, do you ever think about, though, like, what do you picture when I say hell? Okay, ready? One, two, three. Hi there. Hi, there. What'd you say? What'd you say? Pinkberry. Pinkberry. We said hi there.

We said hi there. Oh. You two are weird. What do you picture when we say hell, Scott, ready? One, two, three. Hi there. Tonight? What'd you say? I said the Mac Tonight guy. Let's try to do it so we really get it together. We really hear it. Hell yeah. What do you think of when you think of hell?

One, two, three. An egg. What'd you say? An egg. Okay. No, I said hi there. No, I said hi there. What'd you say?

Suicide King. Sure. Okay, let's try it again. Let's try it again. I think we've got it this time. Jinks. One, two, two, three. Hi there.

singing the national anthem. What? Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem. Oh, so we've got three high there. Okay, so we're almost there. And one Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem. Let's try it again. Come on, come on.

I think we got it. What do you think of hell? One, two, three. A egg. Why didn't you get an egg? What did you say? What did you say? I said it before.

You said hi back to the line. I thought you might go back to that. I thought the tooth and nails. Sorry. bitch oh wow honestly Scott I just am realizing how much I don't know about my own life

and it's making me feel like a fraud you know yeah it sounds like you're only awake for I mean I guess it's like 16 hours yeah how much do you sleep a lot wait what how much do you sleep I sleep a full 10 every night okay 10 plus 6 and a half plus time and a half for overtime

carry the three so it's 24 hours in a day A day. Minus 10, that's 14. Seven and a half hours. Works for eight. You worked for six and a half, I thought. Oh, cool. Hell yeah.

Okay. Trade and sway, everyone. Trade and sway. Hell yeah. Trade and sway. Trade and sway. Sway, sway, sway, sway. Yes.

But the show's not over, dear. Wait, wait. Who is that made up there? He's yelling bravo. Bill, is that you? He's wearing a tie-dye t-shirt. Oh, boy, yes, hello. Bill, are you up in the, what is that, the opera box?

Bill Walton is here, everyone. Bill Walton. Bill, do you want to, you want to come down on stage? What are you doing here? Come on stage, we like talking to you. Come on down. No. What?

No, come down here. I can't. Come down here. Yeah, come on stage, please. Yeah, come, come. Bill Walton, everyone. Nice. Here he comes.

And how do we want to sit? Yeah, they'll move further over there. Bill Walton. Oh, how exciting. Oh, I, we might have scooted too much. I think we scooted too far. No, this is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's going to really. Here he is. Bill Walton, everyone. Oh, wow. You missed the stairs. There's more over there. But you were closer to those. Bill, there's some stairs over here, Bill. What do you put up there's here?

Not polite to stair. No, but use the stairs. You forgot your scooter. Bill. Bill, your scooter. Your scooter, Bill. We can't have that. Oh, my goodness.

Bill. Bill. Roll this right off. Bill, use this one. There she goes. If she finds a scooter, she's going to scoot. Bill, we have chairs for you. One second.

I'll figure this out yet. Wee! Well, look at that! And away she goes. Bill Walden, everyone. Bill Walden. Check! Did you turn your mic off? Check.

there we go wow you made it buddy here's it over here no what a cute outfit hey right back

at you baby thanks you think very fun Scott Ackerman hi Bill what a beautiful rendition of our Lord's song thank you

oh hell yeah dog that that was incredible and in the great city of twins pairs of twins St. Paul and Minneapolis from Mary Kate and Ashley

to Vincent and his brother. Then go? No, no, no. Vincent and the... Gallo? No. Didn't offer you? No, I don't think he's a twin.

The madman guy? No. Huh? That Vincent? Who? Huh? Hell yeah. Which twin Vincent are you thinking?

Lombardi? The guy who has a twin brother. Vincent. Vincent and Julius. Who? Vincent and Julius. We heard you Saying it louder

Stop saying it Visited Julius Who's that? One was born Big and Strong The other Short and scary Is this a poem?

One was born It was totally smooth The other Quite hairy It is a poem Is that Shells Silverstein It might be Silverstein It's a film

About two men Who are twins Who look different Oh You're thinking of Arnold Schwarzenger Danny DeVito? Jinks!

You owe me a Coke! Jinks! Now you owe me a Coke! Jinks! Now you owe me a Coke! Jinks! Now you're Robert Durst. Kill them all, of course.

I knew it! I knew it! You just told to crime? Immediately in moments. Their names are Vincent and Julius in the movie. Okay. We don't care. Does the movie open with that poem? If you're watching it next to me, it does.

Just a black screen? So you just say it over the opening credits? Yes, every movie I start with a poem. Do you remember how it goes? Say it again. Unfortunately, for me, poetry is as ephemeral as the air. Oh. Once I say it, it's gone.

Try a new one. Okay. Same movie? Oh, new movie, new movie, new movie. Junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior. Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior. I'll give you a hint. Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant.

Here's the problem. It's like watching Robert Frost at work. It's writer's block. Two roads are diverging in front of you, my guy. And you're choosing neither. Pick one. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay.

I just didn't notice what's going to happen. Does your head hurt? All of a sudden. Oh, that's like when I go to work. It's like what I want to happen at our work. Right? I had to go, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wow, wow, wow. We have to buy a bucket.

Do you have your poem? The opening credits of junior are starting. We gave you plenty of time. We tried to stall for you. That's what that was? Yes. I didn't understand it to be that. Here, try and get it.

but don't listen to us. Okay. Bibbibbobbidi-boo. I live inside a shoe. Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Bak. I think I'm going back. Did that help? Let me know when I can start listening again.

I'm zoned out. Bibbidi-bobody shy. Look, there's a little guy. Bibbidi-babity, uh-oh. That guy makes me scared. It's a slant rhyme, indeed. A slat rhyme. I love these two.

Hell yeah. All right, Bill. Bill. Bill, we're back. Bill, we're back. Are you ready? Are you ready, Bill? You can't just rip a man out of a poetry phase. I'm sorry.

He almost had something. Do you need more time? No, well, you seem like you want me to. Do you need more time? Don't put this on. I got it, I got it, I got it, bitch. Bippity boppity boop-de-boop-no. No, no.

That's our poem. That's our poem. That's our famous poem. Oh, I must have unconsciously taken it in when I was writing mine. Well, you can't copy it. Parallel thought. Parallel. No, it's not parallel. That's called plagiarism.

Let's have you arrested. Let's see if he rhymes with shoe. Let's see if you write your shoe. Okay, okay. Great. Continue. That's also part of it. I don't know what I'm scatilogic.

Not scatolot. What's scatological? What is scat short for when you're scatting? Shit. I don't think you should do that. Me, but when the great scat band does it. Crothers? I don't think it's short for.

anything, my gosh. Be it a boobu-bottobu-bott-b-a-b-b-a-b-k. Yes! That says, Skatman. Yes, what's that short for? Skat. Skat. Skatman is short for Scat?

Yes. Scott, what are they talking about? I don't know. I can't wait to hear this poem. I'm very excited. Your first poem was so good. So good. We're all sitting.

We're about to watch, Jr. I'll throw out the other song. Oh, our wedding song. Sorry. No, that was the Netflix. Yeah, sorry. Is Junior on Netflix? Yeah, it just got added.

Okay. Oh, I gotta go then. No, no, no, no, no. Bill, we're in the middle of the show. I'm gonna be honest, I've never seen Junior, you guys. We'll catch you up. Is there a movie you have seen? Oh, um...

Don't say twins. Um, um... Huh? Are you taking requests for movies that you've seen? Folks, who here see the movie? Name one movie Commando starring Arnold Schwarzenegger You've seen that?

Yes It's how you like to go under your shorts That's why I rented it I was like a guy like me Okay And then I'm sure you have a poem for this one Yes I do All right, hell yeah

We're all about to watch it Could we hear it? Yes Uh-oh, you pissed off a man And it's time to go You shouldn't have kidnapped Alyssa Milano When he comes for you, his guns are going to be shooted

and during the climax, the villain will be electrocuted. So it's like a spoiler poem. It's like the beginning of an episode of Colombo. Oh, then we find out how Elizabeth was kidnapped and how the villain was electrocuted. And how they were shooted. And how Arnold Schwarzenegger discovers all of these things. Thank you very much, Don and Don.

Yeah. Congrats on that accomplishment, apparently. Great suggestion. Why did you pick Commando, if you don't mind me asking? Okay. Grop watching the Arnold Schwarzenegger movies was the answer, yes. And you want to ask her something. You don't have to answer.

Did you ever find him to be a sex symbol? Did you ever find him to be a... Oh, I don't know why I'm saying what you said. Here, you go ahead. Did you ever find him to be a sex symbol? You owe me a cult. Jinks. Now you owe me a Coke

Jinks Now you owe me a Coke Jinks now you owe me a Coke Jinks now you owe me a Coke Robert Durst You wanted to ask some No you didn't ask you sexually attracted To earn a choice?

Did he make you horny baby? Very well asked Yes She's wet right now Just from talking about it Hell yeah Holy shit Wow.

Wow. We got some freaks in the front row. Hey. Wow. Hey. Join the club? Scott, I don't have much time. Why?

Are you time traveling? No, no, no, no. You seem like the energy of that guy in that movie. I don't have much time. Is that Marty McFly? No, the dad. You thought it was his dad? The dad in the garage.

The white hair. Doc? He called him Doc so formal. To be fair, what makes more sense? He's time traveling with his dad or a scientist down the street. Thank you. Thank you for being fair. Not even his teacher.

Just a scientist, he goes and hangs out at his house. A mad scientist. Can you remember the opening out disgusting the cans of dog food word? Yes. Yeah, the machine opened the cans of dog food. And then they just kept, bitch. And then they just kept dumping dog food on the ground. Never seen it

Really? As far as you know. As far as I know, unless when I go down the elevator, all we do is watch Back to the Future. Do you think that's what my tooth note means? Stirring? Like, the plot is so stirring? Probably. I heard it's a perfect screenplay.

Hell yeah. Is that true? People say, you know, everything connects. Okay. I'll have to read it sometime. I'm just saying what they say. Hell yeah. So you say you don't have enough time.

You say you don't have time. What's going on with your life? I don't know. I just felt that way. You just feel like time is running short? Not really. I mean, no, I hope we have a lot of time left. I mean, there's so much left to do.

I need to bottle up some of that energy, Scott Ockerman. I behave as if everything that is happening is going to end immediately. So I have to get every word out that I have in my mind. so in case someone is judging me on it, I can change their mind about me immediately. Understood, understood. Ooh, good. So what are you?

I mean, we just saw you last night. What are you doing here in St. Paul, the Twin Cities, Minneapolis? I hate to say this, Scott, and I don't want to embarrass you. But you did a little movement last night, and you got pretty exhausted pretty fast. I did it again tonight, and I actually recovered quite well. He did a little movement? He did a little movement.

He had a little movement. Not bell movement, Don. Okay. That's pretty Scott, Scott, Scottological. Pabda-pub. Pee-pub-pah-da-pum. Bum-Bomb, boom, boom. Had a little movement.

A little movement. Scat man's wife in the next room, just like, God damn it. Every time he goes to the bathroom, he does the little song. But about the toilet things he's doing. Sorry, Scatwoman, you married Scatman. What can I say? Do you think her name was Scatwoman before she married? Did you have to take it as a title?

Did she take it? Or like us, was it given naturally? And it worked out perfectly. Perfectly. My understanding is they introduced themselves to each other. And he was like, I'm Scatman. And she's like, are you making fun of me? And then what?

And she said, I'm Scat Woman. And then what did he say? Bebapap but whittabababab. And then what did she say? You're a scatman. And then what did she said? And then what did he said? Dibbett beth.

And then what did she say? I'm a scat man. You should add that as one of your stories, like a romance story. Oh, get a new button, dear. Oh, my new button. Yeah, the meet cute of scatman and scatwoman, hul yeah. Hull yeah. Okay, what about?

Is that from La La Land? Are you? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

The Hidden Valley? That was fun. It was fun. I've never seen Junior before. We did a little movement. Hell yeah. Bill, what did you want to say about the fact that I did my little movement?

Scotty, I'm happy to hear tonight it went a little better for you. Thank you. But I started thinking to myself, you're on day two of the tour. You've got to keep your stamina up. The planes, the cars. As a tall man, you know,

that's killer on the hips and the nips. Why the nips, dog? What? Why the nips? Seatbelt chafage. It's terrible on the NBPC. My neck, my back, my pussy, and my crass. You should do some stretches.

You should be sick. Neck stretches? Don, that's exactly why I'm here. Oh. Scott, I tried to sell you last night on a talk show. Game show. If you weren't here last. night, and I don't know why you would have been.

In our show in Toronto, you were trying to sell a game show last night, yes. It didn't go great. It didn't seem like it was ready yet. No, no, it needs a little more time to percolate. I started thinking, I've got a lot of skills. I'm a former basketball player. I'm an announcer.

I'm an athlete. Why not exercise videos? Oh, okay. So I thought we could run you through my new program, Bill Aesthenics. Bill Estenics. Yes. Okay. And for the audience,

and I truly hope that they're not just comedy fans. What do you also want them to be fans? All of my moves are going to be named after current or former Minnesota Timberwolves. They're into it. Great. Let's do this. Fantastic. What do you need me to do?

So, Scott, and if anyone else wants to join. I think that everyone wants to join. This is the type of thing you can do right when you get out of the bathtub in the morning. The morning. Are you sleeping in there? Yeah, you go home after a show, you get in the bath, you fall asleep watching a, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, a faucet. Milfs? Hot milfs, serving milk?

Hot milfs in your area? You fall asleep watching milf milfing, and, uh, uh, you wake up the next morning in your cold bathtub, iPad soaked again. Uh-oh, gotta get a new one. Before you go to the Apple store for a new iPad, you do a little stretch. You do some of this. Okay? So we're climbing out of the bathtub. So, yeah, why not climb onto the bathtub?

All right. Here we go. Sorry. And if you have a workout outfit with you, feel free. If I have one right now? Yeah, just get comfortable. You're going to get sweaty, Scott. I'm basically just wearing what I...

Oh, God. Oh, he's got it. Oh. He's taking off his tie-dye shirts, and we have a green tank top underneath. He's putting his hair in a bun. Man bun. Tiny tail? TBD. Maybe he's trying to pull it out.

He's really working on it. Maybe he's trying to pull his brain out. He's doing an Ed Grimley. Ouch. I think he's trying to pull himself up off the ground. Ouch. Careful Bill. I know.

It's not working. Ouch. Your gravity, unfortunately, is tethered you to the ground. So scared for you. Hell yeah. It was almost like a magic trick. But I didn't know how I was going to end. And it never did.

And we abandoned it. Too hard. Too hard, he said. Too hard. I'm still having trouble learning hair tying. I never learned it. Okay, we can take to that, rather. All right, what do we do?

All right, so first, it's a classic pose. You might know it as Downward Dog. I call it Downward Dang after Luel Dang. So this is, Scott, if you want to start, or you could follow me. I would rather follow you. Okay, great. Okay, watch the crack. I'm going to do it this way if that's all right.

I'm far from the crack. I'm okay. Yeah, you're good. So, Scott, yep, get into that right there. So, Scott, you're doing... Scott, you're doing your best, but you're not doing it right. Don't get out of it, Scott. Get back into the post!

How do you know that was his best? Because he's my buddy. I know he's always trying his best. Fair enough. All right, Scott, try again. Geez, was he going to kick my ass? He really jumped out of your throat. I know. Get the fuck off my back, bitch.

I hate this fucking guy, bitch. I hear everything. Yeah, I'm speaking into a microphone, you dumbass. You brain dead mora. Why'd you get slap with a pan? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Scott, stay in the post. No.

I'll play your silly little game. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Okay, okay, I take it back. No, no, no, I'm on your side. Oh, okay. Whoa, whoa. I do. Nothing yet.

All right. All right. Let's see this. So back into Downward Dang and the whole idea with Downward Dang is you're stretching your whole body. Pass. You're passing? Yes, I know what it by it. Don has used his first and only pass on Bill Estenics.

Oops. How many? I only get one? You get one pass. Okay, I'm doing it. You're doing the pose of the past. No, I'm going to do the pose. Great. So let's get into our Downward Dangs. Okay. Named after, uh, uh, where my Luel Dang heads at? Great, great. Okay.

Now, Scott, you want to really do more up. Yes, King. Where are you feeling it's got? Um, my butthole. Hello. Can you check all of us so we're done? Okay, great. Uh, may I touch you?

Yeah, sure. You gotta spread that finger out a little. Say what? Okay, great. May I touch you? Me? Yes, you? Yes.

All right, so right here. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. Perfect. You should be able to breathe a little bit, but it should be tough enough that it's hard to say bitch. That's just a button on his shirt, so... Oh, okay.

May I touch you? You're doing perfect. I hit the pose! I knew you wouldn't get back to me for a long time. I didn't want to do it that long. The point is, Scott, you have to get comfortable staying in the pose. You're building stamina. Okay.

All right, let's get into one that's a little easier. Okay, great. Okay. This is Carl Anthony Towne's pose or cat pose. Okay. Such a cool name. I'm not familiar with the cat pose. No cap?

No cap. Cat. No cap. No cap? No cap. You don't have a cap. You don't have a cat. No cap.

Was I insinuating I was at some point? Yes. Yes. When did I insinuate I was wearing a cap? I think you knew. No, no, no, no. I was just saying no lie, no cap. Okay, everybody, I would like to currently apologize

for at some point in tonight's show insinuating I was wearing a cap. Did you say curmitly apologize? And so, I'm so sorry, Piggy. Good apology. Oh, yeah, that was really good. Bill. Very sincere.

Bill, how many poses are we doing? Yeah, because that was number one. That was one. Of two? Scott, how in shape do you want to be when you're in bum fuck Ireland? Can we get the second pose? We'll skip cat pose

because it's basically just hands and knees. We got the joke out there. Oh, cat. Cat cow. Okay, so we'll move into... Well, cow is the other half of cat cow. And that's Jamal Cowford. So, the easy way to remember this

is he's an essential. Assist King. So this pose will assist your back in feeling better. Jamal Calford. That's an easy way to remember this pose. So they... I have to know who this guy is. Jamal Crawford. I have to know he's the assist king. And that'll let me know that it will assist me in doing this pose. Scott, I need...

And then you'll think of what this is going to be. Okay, great. Let's do this. I need to sell this fucking show, Scott. Okay, all right. Let's do it. I am deeply underwater financially and I need to sell a show where we do well, what's it called, Bill Esthanics? Let's do it. You don't know? Hey, dude, I'd probably get you

a hook up a Hidden Valley if you want. You want to stir some ranch? You want to stir some ranch? You want to stir some ranch? Wait, seriously? Yeah. Yeah, hell yeah. Stir some ranch and for... If they hired me, they'd have to take me for eight hours a day only stirring. Yeah. So you're telling me for the entire

day, I could be near shelf stable ranch? My guy, it's like the best thing because you know the way we spend our moments is how we spend our days and that becomes our life. That becomes our life. Right, my guy?

Do you do that in all conversations? Yeah. Because I love that. We should all sing mid-conversation. It takes whimsy, Scott. Sing a song. Now, one that makes you whimsical. One the... Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Who let their dogs out? No, no. Who, who, who, who. Can we do the other pose? How many more are there? There's a hundred. No! Cut to the last pose.

Okay, the last pose is called corpse pose. So lay flat on the ground. Okay, that's easy. Stomach down or stomach up? Stomach up like a corpse, idiot. Well, what if you died face down, bitch? You brain dead moro? You're a fucking asshole.

I'm gonna die exploded. Who knows how you die? I'm gonna be exploded. So this is called corpse pose. But in Minnesota, Timberwolves parlance, we call it, Julius Randall. Meow. Claws in, cat. I once knew some twins named Vincent and Julius.

Yes, one was very hairy and one was so smooth. Great. Now, the whole point of corpse pose is you're supposed to rest like you're dead and reconnect with yourself. So you're next to your bathtub on the mat, or on the little towel they give you at the hotel that you accidentally splash pee on out of the toilet. Because you're so tall and the toilet's so low that any time you pee standing up. Peep, bup, bu da-pap. Peepa-pub-da-pah-pah-pah-pee when you're standing up.

Pea on the towel. Guys, I think Scott fell asleep. Oh, that's nice for him. He works so hard. He worked so hard. Hell yeah. Guys, while Scott's asleep, I think we should get him a present. Give him a present?

Yeah. We should give him a present while he's asleep? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should all kiss him on the lips or just like a little present. I have the craziest dream Oh yeah Scott Yeah

We'll do it another time So Bill that was the last pose Yeah there were other There were 197 others But get up big dog You do three of those in the morning Out of the bathtub You'll be able to dance like Michael Jackson

Robot with falls in no time Thank you very much Bill Walton everyone Bill Walton The Scott man and this guy All right, we have one more guests coming to the stage

and this is someone who is not in the esteemed one-timers club he's been on the show a few times before he is a writer please welcome to the stage Joey Salsa ladies and gentlemen Joey Salsa

Yeah, Scott Yeah Joey Social media Gotta get social media Yeah Joey Salsa Here you take some You take some You grab some of that

Great Don't worry, everyone. We're at the halfway mark of the show. Yes. Great, yeah. Just keep it going the whole time. That'll be great. You don't have to do that.

You can put it down. I don't have that much space. Let me get out in front of it, he, him. Nice to be here. You guys remember that from a couple hours ago? Joey, so wonderful to have you, and thank you for your patience. Oh, great to be here.

you're really pissed about it. No, no. Just trying to relate to the people. Okay, got it, got it, got it. Joey, now you're a writer. We've had you on the show many times. Have you ever been here in Minnesota? No, it's first time, but I'm loving it.

First time in Minnesota. Wonderful. Yeah. Although they did steal one of my ideas. I always said, I said, I want a cheeseburger, put it in the middle. And they do that here. The middle of what? Oh, the patty.

Oh, yeah, yeah, put the cheese in the middle of the patty. Hell yeah, hell yeah. The juicy. Yes. That's right. What a disgusting name. Right. It's what you call me. It is. We shouldn't tell about it in public.

Secret. My name was sloppy cheese in the middle. Ooh. Not quite as catchy, but yeah, it was a good idea. It keeps happening to me. People keep stealing my ideas. Right. You know? You've come on the show before and you mainly have wanted to write musicals. Is that right?

You wrote Alexander the Great, not the one you're thinking of, Hamilton. Yeah. I wrote a song. when I was the instrument third-party distributor. What? I moved to town to town, and I'd scam them out of instruments. Oh, yes, yes. Now, do you think that buying the instruments

was part of the scam in your version, or it was? Yeah, I heard, yeah. In mind, it was one time. I fell in love one time, so I did it. I bought the instruments. Right, right, right, right. Do you think that the people were able to order things from the catalog, though.

If they chose to do that, they could order things from the local. But do you think that the catalog was brought by the man who was perpetrating the scam? Right. Or do you think it was just the thing in that era that everyone had the catalog

anyway? It didn't depend on the man bringing the catalog. Do you think that there was such a specific instrument-based catalog that would be sent to these backwater towns? Do you think that there should be a song about how this one wagon would bring

all sorts of things, and they would enumerate all the many things? But don't you think that it wasn't an instrument-based wagon that would come drop these things off? It was more like a Sears and Robo. Don't you think there's no such thing as a wagon that only brings instruments, so it's a moot point?

Well, don't you think that there is no such thing because this instrumental... God damn it, you got me. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Fuck you. Bitch, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Why didn't you get that shirt? Fuck you. Where did you?

We don't sell those. But you sell his? Of course we do. We sell bitch shirts. Do you have a gift shop? Yes. A bitch shop? You must exit through it.

So, in any case, you've done a lot of musicals. They haven't worked out because you end up writing things normally that have already been written. They've already been done. Unfortunately. I keep getting fucked. Yeah. But you're a man of ideas. That's right.

That's right. And so I figured, don't do music. anymore, that's failing me. So maybe I should do a cartoon, right? Cartoon. Okay, but I don't want to do a cartoon that everyone does, right? So I said I'm going to make a sad cartoon. Okay, normally.

They're funny. Mostly, mostly, yeah. So mine's about a bald kid who, everything goes bad in his life, okay? He's got a little bit of pubic hair on the top of his head, but otherwise, completely bald. That's pretty sad. Yeah, every day he has to wake up, collect it from the trash can and put it on his head.

He has to? It's not growing out of his head. Is he pulling it out of his balls and putting it into the trash? Yeah, and he does that every night, the night before? Every morning. No, but every night before he pulls it out of it. Before he pulls it out and then he puts it in the trash. I didn't think this part would get so many questions.

You thought it was straightforward that every morning he puts pubic hair from the trash. No, no, no, no. It's not his own pubic hair. A few more words to the pitch. Okay. So he's dad every night. his puck and pubes out of his balls. Or shaving. Or shaving.

Or mom. Okay. Or mom. Or that bush. But it is his dad. It is his dad. Okay. And his dad has amazing chia bush that grows every night? Yeah, exactly. And is the little boy pulling it out of his own trash can or the dad's trash can?

Or do they share a bathroom? Classic, yeah, classic. So just a Eugene Levy looking bush down there. Right. Yeah. Okay, got it. Exactly. So he's got a little bit on his hair every single day. And then he's got a dog who's suffering from PTSD from fighting in the war. Oh, no. Yeah.

Which were? The great one. Right. The great. It's the greatest. I think we can all agree the greatest. Sure. And then he's got a, let's see here.

There's a kid. His buddy, he's always sad. He's sucking his thumb a lot, classic stuff. And then his sister is a huge... You'll love this one. Is a huge... Bitch. Right.

Yeah. Okay. Great. Then there's two lesbians who don't realize it yet, but in college they're like, I did call her sir a lot, you know. That's not sad. Yeah, that's actually, if they do realize it. But they don't.

They don't. Not at this time. No, not yet. I don't ever show that time. They're struggling. Okay, but in college they do. Probably. That's probably more age appropriate.

Right. That's the whole thing. They should do college years about those girls. They should do a college year about those girls. Yeah, because hell yeah, this sounds familiar, dog. I'm so sorry. They should call it the sex lives of those two girls. Okay, yeah.

I can adjust. I can adjust quickly. Well, you say it sounds familiar? It sounds a little. familiar to me too. It sounds like some sort of cashews I've heard about. It makes me think of a lagoon. Yeah, it's me. Yeah, dude. Yeah.

I think I'm picking up what they're talking about. There's a local gentleman by the name of Charles Schultz who, you might see the statues everywhere. He created a cartoon strip by the name of Peanuts. Oh. With good old Peanuts. Charlie Brown.

Oh, fuck. And Charlie Brown, yes. No need to say, oh, fuck about that. That's actually a No, no, because... Good thing. I'm a big Buster Rhymes fan, and as we all know, his first rap group leaders of the new school, of course.

And there was a guy in there called Charlie Brown, and that's what I named my main character. Wow. One of the auxiliary leaders of the new school? He was one of the actually, I'd say, three main leaders of the new school. Charlie Brown. Class clown, Charlie Brown.

That's one of his rhymes. Clearly... Clearly a talent to work. We have a poet over here as well. Oh, yes. Class clown Charlie Brown. Does that remind you have a poem? About junior?

Sorry, you zoned in or out right now, Bill. He looked so surprised to see me. No, it's good. I thought I was hearing another voice out here. Yeah, it's me. Mario. I didn't say it's a me. I'm glad you said that,

I had no idea why you said Wario. Oh, you got to catch up on pop culture. I think you'll have this issue a lot less often. But I want to encourage you. Okay. I want to encourage you. Does Wario say, it's a we? It's a wee.

It's a we. Wario. Yes. And does Peach say, it's a P? Peachio. And does Yoshi say, it's a Y. It's a Y. This is the kind of fun that will happen.

if you were reading my comics. Okay, okay, go on. I don't know that this would be happening if we were reading your... I think it would be happening all on its own. Okay, well, maybe we could... Maybe we could try one. Okay.

Right? When you say try one, what does that mean? Well, because I have these ideas for characters, but I haven't exactly written what they should say. Oh, okay. But I figured there's six of us and there's six characters.

Okay. So maybe we could try... I like that mods. What? I like them odds. Hell yeah. My man. You're talking about everyone's getting late?

I don't think we're getting late. I don't think we're getting late. tonight. If that's why you came here, Joey, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm going on with that. That guy's got my phone. I'm going for sure. Okay. Right? All right, Joey. Okay. That's fine. We all want to have sex with at least one audience

member tonight. Yeah, that's right. Just say woo if you think you're that one. Sounds like about stick. I heard some yeses. Hell yeah. Yeah. So anyway, you want us to... I'm not interested. Just putting that out there. Great. So you want us to try one. I figure we could just try one. Let's try one. Whatever that means, let's try one. Okay.

So you'll be the bald loser. Great. I'll be the huge bitch. Great. Great. Then we got the sad one who's always sucking his thumb. Oh, were you not here?

No, what character am I playing? Use yourself. Oh, great. Yeah, yeah. Great. Okay. Fantastic. Then we have...

Oh, of course, the dog who has PTSD. Yeah, diggedy dog. Oh, ooh. Right. And then two friends who haven't really... They haven't figured out their relationship, but they will later, but we're not going to show that part.

We're just going to show the confusion part. We can handle that. Great. Okay. And this one, let's actually record this one. This one I think is going to work. Does he know how to turn on your phone? I don't know.

Push the camera button. I don't have a code on my phone. That's for everybody to know. Wow. So trusting. Yeah, okay. All right, you want us to stand up in. You're always trying to kick the football in my thing.

Okay. It's going to be tough for me. I can't really perform without my blanket. Oh. Fuck. Is that? That's good. Oh, Bill.

Use that. Use your shirt. Use your shirt. Big dog. It's a blanket. Yeah, make it your blanket, yeah. Genius. I got this.

Right. And put your hair up, too. Almost got it. You pull it so regular. Well, wait, do it after the shirt comes on. This is very normal. I should have waited to direct him. Who's talking?

It's me. What's the advice? Mario, I love you baby. Put your shirt off first. This is like Penn's Labyrinth. You know what? Do it your way. Do it however you want. Okay. All right. Go ahead. Okay.

Just like that. All right. Great. So, um, he's going to try to kick the football. Great. We'll see what happens. Again, he's a loser. Got it. So just to keep that in mind. Easy. Bald, pubic hair. Great. Exactly. Exactly. Do you want to see me taking the pubic hair out of the trash can before I do this? Sounds like you want to. Sure. Yeah. Dig in.

All right. Here we go. Dig in. Yeah. Okay. What are you doing in the bathroom? room. Dad. I told him this would happen. I told him if you continued to shave that pubic hair in the family

bathroom. Mom, mom, mom. Don't go after dad. He didn't mean nothing. I want to... I'll lick your pussy. Great suggestion, sir. Okay, kick the football. Kick the football, ready? This is just like one of the stories we tell at our bed and

breakfast. Fantastic. And then I think the other thing is, I want just to be, I want there be a famous song that everyone dances to. I think it'll also be like a stinky kid. We know a perfect song. We know a perfect song that everyone loves to dance to.

It's perfect. Are you ready? Okay, so there'll be a song and everyone, you can do whatever kind of dance that you think you might do. I've got one, yeah. I like what you're doing. Great, yeah.

And then the song will play. Okay. And if we have a song, feel free to hit the song. Great, so we're dancing. everybody's dancing just enjoying yourself great having fun I wanna fuck I wanna suck I wanna fuck him

I wanna fuck I wanna fuck I wanna fuck I wanna fuck I wanna fuck and fucking put my butt up in the air with another butt glow a butt bubble that's right I just didn't it invented that I wanna suck I wanna right right right right right right right No keep going cut it off cut it off I love the melody

Cut the song on You can probably cut now That's probably the highlight That was good Joey You sang that the first time That you tried to rewrite Hamilton Yeah

It's a good song What did that have to do with us dancing? Nothing, I just thought it would end well Joey, Joey Can we play our song from our wedding And we could try that dance again Let's try that, okay Everyone starts dancing and we'll hear the song

Here we go Ready? Hit it. Fuck, I want to suck. I want to fuck him. I want to fuck him. All right, that's our show, everyone. Jessica McKenna. Thank you so much.