Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: A Bar Mangled Manor (Paul F. Tompkins, Dave Theune, Toni Charline)

Episode Date: February 12, 2026

On this Bonus Bang, song parodist Alimony Tony returns to talk to Scott about his exciting new divorce. Then, attorney Robby Delmuda drops by to talk about representing himself in a major trial. Later, Max the Dog stops by in hopes of getting adopted. Plus, Alimony Tony debuts a new parody song! Originally released January 16, 2022. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. And we are in the middle of a bonus bang series that I'm really enjoying. This one, this series, that is, is called Even Moramoni Tony. This is a sequel to last year's Moramoni Tony series. And what are we talking about? We're talking about, of course, the great character, Alamoni. Tony Tony, aka Tony Jaccaroni, played by Paul F. Tompkins. He loves being married, but he loves paying alimony even more than that. We're going back through a lot of his previous appearances,

the ones that we didn't air a year ago. And what do we have today? This one is called a bar-mangled manner, and it was originally released as episode 740 on January 16th, Now, this was Alamoning Tony's sixth appearance on the show. And in addition to Paul F. Tompkins, playing Tony, we also have 11-year-old attorney Robbie Del Muda, played by Dave Tooney. And Tony Charlene is here as Max the Dog. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as other shows like CBB Presents, Scott hasn't seen, The Neighborhood Listen, College Town, you just have to become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, every single live show we've ever done, add-free new episodes, and more original shows. Plus, just a couple of days ago, we released the third episode of the Alamone Tony's Valamoni Shoney.

So you're going to want to hear that. We're going to be back Monday with the new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Bang Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang. Jack be nimble. Jack be quick. Jack be slinging that big old dick. Welcome to comedy bang bang! Bang, bang. No. Oh, my word. Thank you to Pugsley's cheer. Chicken, Pugsley's chicken for that.

I wonder if that's a restaurant or a person. Is it a reference to the Adams family? Oh, did Pugsley have a chicken in the Adams family? Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. Perhaps in the cartoons, the Charles Adams cartoons. Perhaps he started a restaurant, Pugsley's chicken. Well, that's... Puppie.

Much like the chicken in, yes. Like Popeye started... Popeye, oh, well, Popeye has cornered the market with cartoon character chicken restaurants. Why doesn't Pugsley start? But now, Popeye doesn't appear on any of the packaging or the promotion anywhere, right? It leads me to believe that it is a different Popeye. That it's like Popeye Brown. Perhaps an actual human being who was unfairly called Popeye.

Yes, perhaps someone with some sort of a, what was Popeye's condition? He had one eye or? Because his name implies that he has a bugout. He had Akro-Magalli. Oh, okay. Yeah, Popeye, it seems to only have one eye. I don't know why that would make him a pop-eye. Maybe they're talking about his working eye.

Wow, look at that compared to his other eye. It's popping out. Why did they call him working eye? Working guy. He wasn't working guy. He was one of our forces. Thank you for your service pop-by. Wasn't that the Jonathan Silverman show working guy?

Yes, that's right. Okay. That's for you and me. Welcome to the show. Hey, this is what I sound like, right? I believe so. Okay, I'm just checking it. I mean, it sounds great to me from what I understand.

I have not been a while. I just wanted to make sure that's what I sound like. I do believe you are yourself. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Ackerman. We have an incredible show coming up. The person that you have been hearing, I will introduce in a second, but coming up a little later on the show. I could wait.

Oh, good. I'm glad. What if you couldn't? Because it is an incredible show, and I don't want to be the person who's holding it up. Sure, although you just interrupted me and you are holding it up. Very good point. All right. I do apologize.

To you and to the listener. Oh, okay. That's very polite of you. What about the people who are not listening? I suppose I can apologize to them, but I don't know what a good it does. Well, maybe they'll hear about it. Secondhand or third hand. A listener will tell a not listener, hey, you got an apology from somebody on this podcast I'll listen to.

Tell a friend. Albertsons. Because where I grew up on the East Coast, it was a different chain. Well, it was Alan Hamill, who was Suzanne Summers' husband. Sure. And maybe still is. Maybe still is, although Suzanne Summers has been on the billion-dollar properties. No, what is it?

That's a billion-dollar properties. A million-dollar listing. Oh, really? Yes, she's been on that recently trying to sell her Palm Springs home, and I believe she has a husband. I don't know whether it's Alan Hamill or not. I believe it still is, and I think maybe they're moving into a super pocket. Tell a friend. But who was it?

It was Alan Habel. But I can't remember the supermarket chain. Oh, no. That it was on the East Coast. No. Because Albertsons didn't exist on the East Coast. Why do things not exist on the East Coast? Are people's minds so different on either side of the Mississippi?

The Great Mississippi, by the way. Exactly. Do you agree with that sentiment? It is great. And it's mighty. The mighty Mississippi is your face. It's mighty. But I think that it's to keep, it's, it's, it's, to keep order in the nation.

Because we're such a big country. I don't know if any other... To keep us divided. Yes. They want us to fight. Helmonds versus best foods. Whoever wins we lose. Hardys versus rallies?

No, Hardee's and Carl's Jr., I believe. Hardee's versus Carlis. Rallies is worldwide. Rallies takes no signs. That's right. The Switzerland of the C-tier fast food chains. C-T? C-tier.

C-tier. Forget it's my mid-Atlantic accent That's right You are from the mid-Atlantic It sounds like I'm saying T-E That's not a clue as to your identity No, it is not By the way, if anyone's guessed who this is

Please send your guesses in Yes Text comedy bang bang One for I know Two for yes If you just text comedy bang bang Would I get it? I wonder

Somebody's gotta get it Someone's got to get it Maybe God Put God himself Him or her self Their self Maybe God's are they them

What if God was they they they The original non-binary. God. It makes sense. That makes sense. He's got three identities already. The Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost. It's kind of weird to split up your...

The three-bed-I-at-I-Mai-A-American pie. Don McLean. Oh, I thought you meant the movie. He was Don McLean on the East Coast. It didn't make any sense. We'll get to you in a second. By the way, we're out in the backyard again. Yes, I do not want to hold things.

We're wearing cardigans. We're in the backyard again. My name is Scott Ackerman. I don't know whether I said that or not, but that is who I am. And we're in my backyard, and we have some great guests coming up a little later on the show. We have someone from the Animal Kingdom, which is great. Because... Is it Jackie Weaver.

Jackie Weaver. I'm sorry, that's the movie Animal Kingdom. Oh, okay. I was like, did she play? No, I don't think so. Was she in Pig? No, she was not in Pig, as far as we know. What are you saying she was playing the titular pig?

The titular pig. By the way, when I say someone from the animal kingdom, I am not talking about dog the bounty hunter. I'm not talking about someone with an animal species as a name, catmower. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about literally someone. Free dog night. Certainly, the rest. It's a good way to cut someone off and stop a bit, by the way.

It's just saying the rest. We'll see about that. But it's great because. Boy dog pondering. Great band. A lot of people don't know them. But this is, of course, for a while, this was Humanities podcast, and then we branched out into the podcast of the Animal Kingdom.

So apparently word has gotten out. When did this happen? This happened late last year, I believe. We thought that was too limiting to just be Humanities podcast. Well, now it seems like you're going from humanity to just animals. Is that not the case? No, we haven't gone to minerals quite yet. I did not say minerals.

I apologize if that's what you heard. So are you saying... No vegetables, no minerals. It's no, no, take it. But you're saying it's gone from being a podcast for humanity to being a podcast for the Animal Kingdom? Oh, no, no, it's not just for... Oh, no, that would be a severe blow to...

So what's the official tagline now? Humanity... Well, gosh, okay, we haven't quite figured this out, but it was Humanity's podcast. And now it's Humanity Plus the Animal Kingdoms podcast, but that sounds very clunky. Do you have any... Can you punch this up?

What if it's the podcast for all creatures great and small? There we are. Do you remember those books? I remember they existed. Can you imagine in the 2020s ever reading a book about a veterinarian? Like, we've moved on so far from that. And he's not, he doesn't kill people. Like, what is he?

He just saves animals. A veterinarian, next. Who happens to kill people. He loves animals so much. He wants humanity dead. How about a book about a podiatrist? Sure. But can you imagine, I read them all as a youth.

Did you really? Yes. Didn't you know that was a TV show? You could have saved yourself some time. Oh, damn it. One of the Doctor Who's was in it. Which one? The blonde guy.

Dr. Who? The one who wore the cricket outfit. So not Matt. What's his name? No, this is an old school Doctor. Sure. Yeah. The fifth Doctor.

The fifth doctor. Peter Davidson. Oh, okay. Peter. Wait. Pete Davidson. Not Pete Davidson. Should he be Doctor Who next?

Peter Davidson. And he was covered with tattoos. But he is not Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson should be Dr. Who next. I mean, he's got that big dick energy. Like Doctor Who has. Exactly.

Especially these past few seasons. Right. I feel like there was an episode of Doctor Who recently where he pulled a letting cravins. Where's a big dongle just popped out. Yeah. We need Pete Davidson in this role. Look, kids are watching this. You know what I mean?

That's inappropriate. But now that no longer a problem because the doctor is a woman. Yes. Like the old woman. Early. Uh-huh. The doctor is a woman. You're a sexist.

Well, we'll get back to you in a second. But coming up a little later, someone from the animal kingdom. Exciting. Which is very exciting. We also have an attorney. An attorney. At law? I believe at law.

Yes. I believe you have had usage of many attorneys over the years. Oh, yes, indeed. I have. Now, hold on a second. Why is an attorney at law? What are the kind of attorney? Actor at acting.

But I address that foot doctorate. Doctorate. Doctorate, Dr. Hoeing. Oh, I like that. Doctorate science fiction. Why? Because attorney is, that's just what it is. It's a practitioner of the law. Maybe it implies that someone is actually practicing and has not had their license revoked.

Are you still allowed to call yourself an attorney if you've been defrocked? Can you call yourself an attorney at law if you have not passed the bar, nor have you ever even tried? Like legally, could you put out an ad saying I'm an attorney-in-law? attorney. Wonderful musical. You know, I love song parodies. You do, that's right.

And that's another clue. That's your identity. Text, comedy, bang, bang. But let's get to you, because those are all in the future, and we are talking about the present right now with our first guest. Are these things yet to come? Yes, they are. Stop pointing your bony finger at me.

Or maybe. No, you're the bony finger guy. That's right. If I'm asking the question, I'm asking you question, dear. Scrooge had bony fingers. Screwed you. I'm kidding. Didn't Scrooge had a bone finger.

Scrooge also, he was an older gentleman. I think he's characterized as being slender, yes. Yes, he's slender with a... Not the slender man. Maybe Scrooge is the slender man. Have you ever thought about the connections between these two characters? I mean, he has to have died at some point. Probably, although they heavily imply Dickens implies he isn't immortal.

Really? Yes. I don't. Huh. I haven't read it in a while. A lot of times, you know, you'll read the prose and it'll be like, the never-aging Scrooge turned to his... The never-aging Scrooge.

It turned to his employee, the getting older every second, Bob Cratchett. Wow. Do you think things got better at them, for them at work after that one Christmas? I think he slipped back into just his same old patterns after about one month, probably. But do you think that he was more aware of it

so Bob Cratchett could say, you're doing it again? Hey, call me on this if I do it. Listen, I've had a total change of my outlook of life. I know that old habits die hard. if I start to backslide, call me on it. What if Scrooge is only nice on Christmas after that? That's the lesson you learned.

You have to send them back. Send all the ghosts back. Like, hey, we were talking about all year. Because the ghost just take them back to Christmases. He thinks like, okay, it's Christmas. I got it. I understand what you're trying to tell me now. I'm not going to die now, right?

He's still like a real jerk. 364 days. His lesson was not that he wasn't going to die. It was that people were not going to show up to his funeral. Now, this is the thing. A friend of mine got into this song. line with some people who thought that Scrooge's, Scrooge's, uh, his change, his transformation happened just to save himself.

But it's like he knew he was going to die. Right. I like to think he'll still die on the exact same day. Although maybe like one of the lessons he takes from this is he has to look after his health. Do you think, I don't think that was in there. I mean, he's looking at his gravestone. And if they happened to put like how he died on it, do they do that on gravestones? They should.

They really should. Although it could be embarrassing. You know, somebody just fell down. But I think that, you know, shoved something too big up his butt. I think of the... Too big. There's a size and a place for everything.

So big that it killed the person. Sure. What, with that, like a building? Climb up to the top of the Washington Monument. But I think of those days, looking after your health was like, don't eat meat for one meal a week. Yeah. What could they even do about?

There was like, you know what I mean? Push-ups. Everyone was thin because no one had enough food. Except for rich people who were very fat. That's true. That was a sign of wealth. Yes. Yes.

But I mean, what else? Like old fessy wig. What else could you do? You were thin, which means you do you have to exercise all that much of your super, super thin because you're not eating all that much? It seems like that would burn too many calories. You were thin. If you were pale, it was because you worked in an office.

If you were tanned, it was because you worked outdoors. Right. And maybe, I mean, there were no, like, low cholesterol drugs. There were no drugs. There were no drugs at all. Although there was pot. Was there? Were people smoking marijuana back then?

In Dickens days? Yes. What were the Dickens days? Which century of that? I don't even know. Well, it's the 19th century. Okay, the 1800s. 1800s.

So you think they're smoking some dank weed? Some kind bud? They got some nugs, some dank nugs. Hey, Cratchit, come on into my office here. It probably wasn't illegal. People didn't know what it was. They don't even know it. They smoked it by accident.

Like, oh, I got a bad deal of this tobacco. It made me crazy. You know how everything, like, you wonder who the first people are who ever did something like, hey, let's set this on fire. Like, is there stuff that we- Let's set this on fire? Let's set this on fire. The first arsonist. Who was the first arsonist to sit?

Let's set this on fire. Oh, I see. But is there something that we haven't done to something out there that would be great? You know what I mean? Hmm. No. Like, or have we discovered everything? We've done it all.

Like every single thing in the world, have we discovered what to do? Have we tried setting everything on fire? People having sex with buildings. We've done it all. We've done it all. What is that song that talks about that? People having sex with buildings. Is that it?

No, I don't think so. Okay, I try to write one real quick. He is a song parodist, of course. We know him primarily is that. It's a hobby. Really? You shouldn't. Well, that's right.

Your other interests are pretty. Perhaps more Jermaine. Clemage. He is our first guest on the show. He is a returning favorite. People enjoy his presence on this show, and that is why I ask for him to return. You ask for me my name.

That's right. Tell a friend. And he is a very rich person who has been married, I believe at last count, it was in the 20s or 30s, was it not? I think the last time I saw you as probably in the 20s. Now it's in the 30s, yes. Right.

So you're in your 30s. So you've already been married at least 8, 5, 3, 8, 675309 times. I'm just guessing in numbers. Yes, my last wife was Jenny. Oh, okay. I know her. Please welcome back to the show Alamoni-Toney. Hello, everyone.

It is I, Alamoni, Tony. I'm so glad to be back on the podcast. Scott. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for coming. And welcome to my. backyard. This is the first time you've been in my backyard. It is. Oh, there's a truck going by, UPS. Somebody's getting a delivery. Uh-oh, not me. Uh, I've stopped all deliveries.

Really? Why is that? Out of safety, concerns? Yeah, I don't want anything coming into the house without, uh, basically without any inspection or anything like that. I've, oh, is there, are we hearing breaks now? What is that that we're hearing? It's a little beeping, maybe a backup? Not like last week. That went off for quite a long time. That was a huge backup. And was that in your driveway? No, no. People claimed that it was. Yes, it was.

This is great to get behind the steering. Oh, no, he was turning around. He was turning around. He was going back down the other way. Imagine getting to the top of the street and saying, ah, shit. I went the wrong way. Can you imagine such a life? Such an existence.

I lacked the imagination. But welcome back to the show. First time you've been in my backyard. I apologize there's no one for you to marry back here. That's all right. I'll find somebody sooner later. Perhaps someone who's coming up on the show. Oh, maybe. We'll see.

Well, you did say the animal kingdom and an attorney. And an attorney, yeah. Neither of those interesting to you. The attorney might work out. We'll see. Okay, but not the animal kingdom. You, uh... I mean, if you're saying it's an animal, then no.

Okay. Wait, if you... Have you ever run out of people to marry and then said, maybe I should turn to the animal kingdom? Scott, there's always someone to marry. First of all, I've been very lucky. I'm a cis white male. I've married exclusively women.

I'm not closing the door on anything. Who knows? I love to get married because... Why do people change their... points of view on that later in life. That's right. If people don't know why I love to get married, it's because more than anything,

I love paying alimony. You love it. I love it. You enjoy the marriages. Of course, I always marry for love. Sure. It hasn't worked out. But I do love paying the alimony.

And there's no hard feelings with any of your former wives. I'm friends with all of my former wives. Good friends. Well, to varying degrees, but we're all on positive terms. Okay. Yeah.

Some I talk to every day. Some I talk to once a year. Merry Christmas. Like a scrooge over here. What do you love about the paying of the alimony? Is it the writing of the check? Is it the seeing your bank balance deplete? What exactly is it that you love?

Well, my bank balance never depletes, really, because I'm independently wealthy. My mother invented gaseous paper. So, I mean, it does deplete, but at the same time, you're gaining more than it ever deplete. That's exactly right. And, of course, every once in a while, royalties from my song parodies. That's very Very viewing But what it happens

It's always fun Yeah But what's your most popular one Oh let's see My most popular one Just on the Spotify Like royalty rankings I think it's my parody of the national anthem

Right Of course the Star Spangled Banner What's the title? Is it a parody of one of the lyrics Like I was saying can you see Or is it a parody of the national anthem? It's a parody of the national anthem, which is the Star-Spangled banner, which begins,

oh, say, can you see? So I don't know if you thought there were two separate songs. No, what's the title? Oh, the title of the parody. The title of the parody is another national anthem, which is a little nod to Stephen Sondheim. And the... RIP, by the way. Exactly.

Rest in power. You really had to pause in between that. Like, are we allowed? I wanted to say peace because he was so old, but I feel like I want to say power because I bet he could have done some more stuff. What's the dividing line? between peace and power of like it used to be you know like uh leaders that we wanted to uh pump up you know uh we wanted to make sure that they like a martin luther king or whatever uh rest in power

but at what point is it like no you know that person was in so much pain by the end they need to be resting in peace an interesting delineation now what i took it to mean was someone who was uh who was taken from us uh in their prime and they still had more that they could have done right uh rest in power right But rest in peace is like somebody who's so old and retired. Like they're done. Shouldn't there be something in between? Like. Like rest in stasis, you know, like you were fine where you were, but you were also past your prime.

You were fine where you were. You were past your prime. You were 36. Rest in stasis. Is that what you think past their prime is when it comes to your marriages? 36? Have you ever married anyone older than 36? I've married many different ages.

Really? Yes, I have. Like, I have ex-wives who are deceased. What? And I send alimony checks to the graves. Are they just collecting there and like an urn? Well, I mean, they have, of course, they have a huge mausoleum, courtesy of me. Oh, wow.

And there's a little mailbox in there. And so the checks go in there. There shouldn't be mailboxes at graves. I agree. I would love that if I were to the post office and someday I'll get there. If I worked there, I would love to be. Why, when they're stamps.com. That's a good point.

Never go to the post office again. But that would be great to have the graveyard shift. And I don't mean working late at night. I mean, although maybe they would make you. You mean the literal graveyard shift. Yeah. You have to go deliver letters to these graves. Maybe they would force you to do it after midnight.

We're going to let it all hang out. That's a, do you like that song? I can't say that I like any Eric Clapton song. That's the weird part of it. He really is, there's something about him that's just so boring. I've tried to, I've tried to go back and listen to, to first is, I mean, The cream era is okay, maybe. In a white room with black curtains.

Okay, what now? What now? I went there, I sat in it. Who cares? Right. Do you want to answer? No one. Okay, good.

Thank you. What do you think of this new stuff, though? It's great. It's really good. He finally got me. He finally turned it around. Can't take this bullshit anymore. Yes.

Oh, that's right. That's right. He doesn't say bullshit. Oh, okay. He censored himself. Before I asked. Because so kids can listen to it. Yes.

Where he was saying, I don't want to be. it locked out anymore. I don't care. I think it's BS and I want to go where I want to go. Where does he want to go? Who knows? A laundromat? It's got a lot of clothes that he needs. Soiled clothing. Soiled clothing. That should be one of his song titles. Soiled clothing. It's not a bad, it is. Okay. I was going to say it's not a bad song title that turns out it is. Soiled clothing, if you were to chance upon an unknown artist. Speaking of which, song titles, Yes. The name of my parody of the sauce bagel banner is a bar mangled banner.

A bar mangled... No, sorry, a bar mangled manner. A bar mangled manner. Is that describing someone's the way they do something in a bar mingled manner? No, it is. M-A-N-O-R. Oh, oh, okay. Oh.

And the parody is about someone opening a bar at Tilton Abbey and destroying it. Oh! Opening a bar at Downton Abbey. Here's why it's fun. A little... you know, Easter egg, is that our national anthem is based on a British drinking song. Right. And so I'm making it a drinking song again in England, but it's Americans go over there,

and they set up a bar and down. I mean, they destroy the place. And this is your most popular. It's my most popular. Well, the TV show helped because people like that TV show. Oh, oh, oh, you had a TV show based on it. Yes. That only had in England.

Two series, as they say, but not bad. Three episodes each. Was it considered? an official down to Nabi spin-off? No, it was not. And that's why, I mean, it's a miracle we got those six episodes out because we were in court pretty fast, considering. I'd wear a wig.

Had to. When entertainment law in England, everyone has to wear a wig because it's entertainment. You've got to put our show with people. The jurors, observers in the gallery, everyone's wearing wigs. And it's not just the sort of the white wig. People you can wear like a David Bowie wing, a Tina Turner wig. John 316 wig. Oh, yeah, the rainbow wig.

Exactly. Yeah, boy, that guy had a very interesting story. He did have a very interesting story. He was like, I've got to get noticed to let people know, for God so loved the world he became. It's only begotten sons to die for his sins. And then afterwards, though, even more interesting. I don't know if you've kept up with him.

No, well, here's what I know. First, he started going to games and just like saying, like, raising his voice saying, John 316, John 316, not working. Nope. I got to get a sign. He got the sign. John 316, John 316, he's like, I'm getting tired of saying this.

But the sign, I think, is helping. I know what I'll do. I will add this rainbow wig. People will be saying, what's that guy? Oh, John 316. Oh. I got to look that up. A famous guy with a very look him up, by the way, Alan Monitone.

Tony, I think you'll find his. Well, I mean, I don't want to. I want to know right now, but I don't want to take time out of the box. I want to know right now. Do you love me forever? Me loaf. Me loaf. Another interesting guy.

I did a song parody of that song, but it's so long. Longer than the actual song? It was long. I added four verses to my parody of Paradise by the National Light. Blah, la, la, la. His name, by the way, is Rowland Stewart. Rollin Stewart. Interesting.

Arrested in 1992. Why did he bother having a name? That's true. And what was he arrested for? Let's see. Some sort of standoff. tickets. Uh-oh.

Charged it. Stand off. Stand off in a Los Angeles hotel. Uh, eight felonies, kidnapping, hostage taking, all sorts of stuff. Oops. John 316, not helping him. Uh, what code is that in the, in the police, uh, uh, it's a 360. It's a three-sixie.

It's got to be. It's got to be. Change it. If it's not. If it was, yes, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Why are you here?

I'm just here. I'm just here to see you and just spend time with you. I thought I was your co-host for this episode. Oh, yes. No, that's right. Okay. But what's been going on in your life, I guess, is what I mean. Well, good news. I'm about to get divorced. Oh, congratulations. Yes, how am I told you very much? That's wonderful news.

Thank you very much. How long has this marriage lasted? Two weeks. And, boy, we fell in love very quick. Oh, really? And yes, her name, her. Her name was Jenny, right? You were, you were saying. No, that was my last wife. My current wife. Her name is Hermione, Hermione. Like Hermione from the boy who lived books or? What's that? A wonderful book series by a notorious turf named J.K. Rowling called Harry Potter. And what is that about?

It's about a boy with a disfiguring scar on his forehead. Ooh, a horror book. Yeah. It's like a real fan of the opera type guy. Oh, okay. This sounds fun. His whole life is affected by it. He considers himself to be very ugly. Oh, no. Well, this is sad. How old a boy is he?

I believe he's 11 or so in the first book And he grows up to be all the way to 18 And I don't want to spoil the last book for him He grows up to all the way to 18 That doesn't happen for a lot of people And then he dies No, he doesn't die right now I don't want to spoil Oh, you said he was a boy who lived

Yes, well he was supposed to die as a baby Oh, why? According to another guy Was it supposed to be an abortion? That's what they're referring to And they say the boy who lived is Harry Potter's mother decided at the last second

not to get a abortion. Where does this take place? I know it's in England, but I wonder if... So she goes to get an abortion. All the shops are shut. Because it's Christmas. It's Christmas Day.

We can't perform abortions today. You there, boy. Where can I get an abortion? Nowhere, Mom. The one as big as me? It's Christmas Day. Oh. What would that mean? An abortion as big as me.

What would that mean? I don't know. I'm getting an abortion, and it's going to be big. So, Hermione or Hermione? Hermione. Hermione. Hermione. How's it spelled?

H-E-R. Okay, Hermione. Yes. Okay. And where did you meet Hermione? We met at, you know, it's funny enough. We met at an Albertson's grocery store. Really?

Yes. Okay. Out here on the West Coast. Out here on the West Coast. Yes. I was in town to do your show. Okay. And was it you were both in the same aisle?

Were you in different aisles? Those are the two questions. Yes, it's a very cute. It's a meat cute. It's a meat cute. Okay. And is it a M-E-A-T cute? Yes, because we were in the meat aisle.

Oh, wow. We were in the meat aisle together. We were standing near each other, not looking at each other. I picked up this package of meat that said it was impossible. And I said, impossible, you say. Outlaw. Allowed. Yes, and she turned to me and said, hard to believe.

And I said, wait, is that from a Tom Wait song? And she said, yes, it is. It's when he was still doing the gravelly voice before he started singing through a bullhorn and stuff like that. And I said, yes, that's right. And we got to talking. Two music fans. Of a very specific subject. That's right.

That's right. And we got to talking and we really hit it off. And I said, this is going to sound crazy. Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy. But here's my number. Marry me, maybe. And she said, let's do it.

Wow. I like you. I think I could fall in love with you. We got married the same day. The exact same day in the supermarket? Yes, we did. Wow. Who performed the ceremony?

It was, I got on the loudspeaker. You're not supposed to do this. I said, is there anybody here who was an ordained minister? And three people were in the Albertsies. Three, wow. Yes. And so they were co-efficient. Oh, really?

Did they split up the responsibility? They each took turns talking like that improv game where you say one word at a time. And we got married in the frozen foods aisle. Wow. Because the lighting from the, we were backlit by the freezers. Sure. It was very dramatic in nights.

Oh, yeah. And I mean, people cried. Like people would gather around and some people were a little annoyed because they were trying to get at the ice cream and such. Sure. But that was very few or far between. It was a long ceremony.

We had a traditional. It was like a Catholic. It was a Catholic ceremony. It was a full mass. Okay. And the supermarket was happy about this? They weren't sad. I mean, nobody got, nobody really told us to knock it off.

Okay. No one called the police. No. There was even an announcement at one point, like halfway through, attention shoppers. There was a full Catholic wedding ceremony going on in the frozen foods aisle if you'd like to watch. And it was, it was wonderful. I mean, we, we,

Of course, we made up our own vows on the spot. Yeah, and it's very important to me to never use any previous vows that I've already used. Not even the same words? No, no, I don't want to. So and the must have been gone like your very first. Well, I mean, articles and conjunctions, you know, that's different. I'm trying to express, you know, a sentiment that is unique to the, to my new spouse. Sure.

And I don't want to just cheat and paraphrase previous vows. So your copy of. the thesaurus must be dog-geared as hell. It is, and I carry it with me everywhere I go, because I get married. You just in case. You had it that day, I would hope. Of course I had it that day.

Right. Are you crossing outwards in the the thesaurus that you've used in your vows? Yes, that's great. It must be so marked up. It makes it so much easier. Sure. So, this is incredible.

And how soon after you were married did the problem start? I would say the second week, the beginning of the second week. So the first week, honeymoon period. What a wonderful week that was. Did you run out of? Tom Waits' records to talk about? I mean, we did talk about other things in addition to that. But did you have your question? Yes, we did.

We started talking about her Clapton, of course. We talked about painting our room white in our home. Putting up black curtains. Exactly. And moving near the station. And then at the beginning of the second week, it seemed like we didn't have as much in common as we felt. Was that the only thing you had in common? Yeah, it turns out we had more differences than we had commonalities.

What were the differences? I mean. Well, there was an age difference. Oh, really? She's older or you're old? She's older. She was significantly older. Oh, she was 78 years old. 78? Okay. I've never quite asked you.

Well, let's just say I'm middle-aged. Right. I'm comfortably in my middle age. But about 53? A little older. You can go higher than that. Keep going. 55?

55. 56. Keep going. 57. 58. 56. 60. I'm 60 years young.

Oh, Price is Right. Are you one year old? I'm just imagining the yodler going over the hill. I love that guy. Have you ever parodied that song? Yes. Oh, but do you, bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo. So funny.

So funny. Okay. Oh, do you not parody songs to make them funny? No, I mean, I do. I'm sorry, I didn't realize they were serious parody songs. I'm the only one that did. a serious parody song. You change all the lyrics to rhymes, but they're all serious.

I just make the song about something else. That's all I do. I like the tunes. Okay. So she was older, about 18 years older. So the cultural references were different? Not that far off. You run out of water, by the way, or are you sad that you threw away the water?

before we started this? No, as you can see, I'm filling up my... Oh, it seems to be about one-third full. And you've already drank one... Yes, sir. That really tickled you. You enjoyed that one.

So, wait, so you were probably talking about Star Wars a lot, and she was talking about... Battlestar Galactica. She was talking... She was talking about Buck Rogers. The original black and white, flash gun. Flash... Oh. Did you ever see that movie? I've never seen it.

That's just Scott hasn't seen, although I always wanted to when I was young, and I bought it recently. Should we watch it together? Yes, Alamone Tony on Scott hasn't seen. I would love to do that. You know, I'm a listener if Scott hasn't seen. Oh, you are. Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan. The most recent episode with that lovely young lady, who was that? She was so fun. Ooh, tell me she's single.

Unfortunately, no, she's with a friend of mine. But you never know what can happen. Do you think they might split up? I mean, I've suspected it for a while. I mean, it's just way incompatibility. That's all, you know. What makes them incompatible, would you say? Well, you know, I mean, they're both very special people,

and sometimes two stars that shine bright in the sky can not collide, otherwise they would explode. Wait, is that scientifically true? I don't know. Wait, so the stars, they, if they shine too brightly, they mustn't collide. Or else there's a problem. Right, exactly. But if they're separate, then it's great. Well, it's a lot like time travel, you know, I read something recently.

of where someone time traveled to the past and they said, and of course, we all know that two exact matches of bodies cannot exist in the same plane at the same time. So this one disappeared and went into the negative zone or something. Two exact matches of bodies. Yes, like, and what was weird was it was already a shapeshifter who had shapeshifted anyway, never mind. This is my reading material right before I go to bed.

No wonder my dreams are so crazy. Are you having bad dreams? Terrible dreams. Oh, Scott, I'm so sorry. Yeah. You know, nightmares, they're a terrible thing. And unfortunately, I can tell you, from 60, they never go away. Yeah.

There's this guy with a disfigured face with like a little lightning bolt scar on his forehead. And he's like, he's waving his wand at me. Wave his wand. Is he a conductor of some sort? It's like a sharp knife, but. It's like a sharp knife, butt. But just, but just. Not on...

But just one. It's like a sharp knife, but just one. Well, you know how knives usually come and sets. Do they ever sell one knife? Well, it depends on the type of knife that it is. I think... Are you just thinking of, like, knives from the dinner table? Do you think when you're...

There's a wide variety of knives. When you're like a famous chef, do you have to buy, like, those... Are you saying this is me in the future? Yeah, when you're a famous chef, in the future. When I grow up to be a famous chef? Yeah. Do they make you buy, like, five at a time of those... those big, fancy, expensive knives?

They're like, we only sell them in sets. Do they make you do that? Or do they split them up? That's a good question. Is it? I guess when I'm a famous chef, I'll find out. A shame is Feth. I guess when I'm ashamed, the chef.

I'm trying to think of the movie, Chef with Johnny Favs. And did he have multiple knives? Yeah. I don't think we ever got, maybe deleted scene? Maybe, yeah. A lot in that truck.

A lot of scenes in a truck. A lot on the truck, not enough scenes in the knife store. Let's be difficult to film. I wonder if they had to open up the side of the truck in order to film that. I hope so. It would have been so hot in there. Because it's not only a lot of people adding warmth because of the body warmth.

But then also there's a stove there. There's some sort of frying apparatus. You think the guy holding the boom mic ever sat on the stove accidentally and went, ow, ow, ow, my butt. Can you hear that in the movie ever? Ooh. Did I ever hear that movie? During one of the scenes.

Oh, my butt. It's talking to Johnny legs and. The two Johnny's, Fabs. The two Jannys. The two Jannies, the two Jannies, the two Jannies. Two Jannies, she said, they're in the movie, Chef with I see. Oh, that was terrible. Not one of your best parodies.

Also, too funny. Here's the thing. I have to, you're right. I have to sit down and, I can't do them on the fly. I have to sit down and write them. It takes me hours and hours. It's a laborious process. Oh, that's why I have a laboratory in which to do it.

So what is going on with Hermione? You're in process of getting, just she knows what's happening, or if you alert it. No, no, no, of course. Here's the thing, Scott. It's never my decision. It's always my life decision. Really? You leave it up to them. Well, it's not that I leave it up to them.

I would stay married to any of them, but they, you know, it just turns out we're incompatible. So every single person, this is interesting. Every single person you've married, you've said to them, have you said to them, hey, I don't think we should stay married, but it's up to you. Or do you just wait for them to say it? Well, I'm not waiting for them to say it. They say, it just comes to a point where they say, we have irreconcilable differences. But you've never broached.

the subject of should we get a divorce? No, it's always been something they bring up. Really? For someone who loves to pay alimony, you think that it would be right there on the tip of your tongue? Well, because I also love to be married. Oh, that's true. But not as much as...

You can't pay alimony if you're not married. I love them both. Equally? If you have a hot fudge Sunday, you don't just love the hot fudge. You also love the ice cream. It's the two of them together. Has anyone ever even hot fudge by itself? Of course, I have.

You never have frosting out of the can? that's the best. Sure. All of these forbidden things you're not supposed to do. It's wonderful. I just can't imagine like, first of all,

heating it up and then just spooning it into my mind. It seems disgusting. You don't have to heat it up. Okay. But it's hot fudge. It's hot fudge, but it's not,

it doesn't come hot. You don't buy a drawer of it. It's like, oh, my butt. I sat on some hot fudge. I believe in miracles. That's hot chocolate.

That's true. When you came along, you sexy thing. Can you imagine saying that to someone? What a line that would be. I believe in miracles. I believe in miracles because you came along, you sexy thing. Wow.

What a line. It never used it. Nine times out of ten, you get slapped to the face, but the tenth time, oh boy. By the way, speaking of which, when you ask people to marry you, how often are you slapped in the face? Oh, this never happened. Oh, really? Because it's not a rude thing to say. It would be if you were to just come up to, like, a woman in the, you know.

In the maternity ward? Have you ever met a woman in the Maternity Ward? That has happened one time. Wow! Yes, one time. Whitecliffe? I was there visiting my brother whose wife... From another mother?

No, from the same. Oh, wow, okay. Yes, and his wife was having a baby. And the whole family went to visit and wait, you know, in the waiting room and he was in there. That seems like a thing of the past. Does anyone do that anymore? Well, we did it. Sure, but in the past you did it.

I'm just saying like these days. It's true. It seems like a very movie thing to see. I think it depends on how close the family is. And my family were very close. Okay. I come from a large family. How large?

Eight kids. Eight kids. Eight kids. And then how many parents? Eight kids, one mom, two dads. In the same house? Yes. Wow.

Yes. A threple. Well, not really. Not really. The two dads did not acknowledge that they were in a relationship together. Oh, wait, the dads were in a relationship together? No, I just said they were. weren't. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You said they didn't acknowledge. It was not a thruple. They would not,

they would not say, yes, we're all the three of us in a relationship. It was more of a bigamy. They had kind of, and my mother being the bigamist, too. They all knew about each other, but they, they kept the relationships separate, but under the same room. Separate but equal. And my mother would never say which, which was the father of which child. Oh, were there clues that you were able to glean from the physical? We tried to piece it together over the years and from the way people looked and, you know, we all, but we all just... Was one of the dad's name Tony? That might have been a clue. No, of Scott, please. Because I'm not Tony Jr., but... You can only be a junior, by the way, if your middle name is the exact same

as the father as well. That's right. And if you, and here's a fun thing, and maybe we've discussed this before. If you're a, if you're a nickname for a, the third, if you're the third, the exact same name, a nickname for you is Tripp. And, uh... Oh, really? If you, if you are technically the second, but there's one in between, a generation in between you, but you have the same name as your grandfather. Sure. They can call you Skip.

Skip? Really? God, I want to call someone Skip or Trip. God, I wish I could call you Skipper Trip. You could call me Skip a Trip. Hey, Skipper Trip. It's me. The skip or trip.

I, aye. Welcome aboard. The thing is that, but both my fathers looked very much alike, so that made it harder to tell. Oh. So she had a tight. The mother was very crafty, and she did have a type, yes. Yeah, and what did they look like? They look like me.

Oh, wow. Okay. They both look like me. So you are your mom's type in a way? Well, but I also, there's some of my mom's features in there as well. Are you, which half is your mom and which half is your dad, would you say, on your body? Oh, it's probably a straight up top to bottom. So bottom your dad, I would imagine?

No, I would say just below, just below the tip of the penis? Just below the thighs. That's your mom. I have a slender legs and her finely turned ankles. Yeah, you're very top heavy and then you have these little pencil-thin leg. Yes, I'm like a little inverted pyramid, sure. But not the good way. My legs are very precarious.

You are wobbling right now, by the way. Yes, can I sit down? Do you mind? Yeah, please. I mean, I'm sorry. Were you waiting for me to say? Yes, I thought you liked your guest standing for the show. Oh, okay. I stood for all of these. I never realized I could sit down. I thought you were at attention the entire time. Attention.

Were you a military man, by the way? I was not a military man, but I was in... Because it seems to me like you would have been in Vietnam, being 60. Being 60, you think I was in Vietnam? No, you're right. Yeah, you would have been too young. Lucky you. You just missed it.

You're thinking like a man who's not closing it on 60 himself. And you think Stixie is like the Todd Glass bit. Comes to my band. Yeah, I was not in the military, but I was. in the reserves. That counts as the military. Well, for the Girl Scouts. Oh, for the Girl Scouts?

Just for cookies, just to sell cookies. Oh, they need some backup. They need some backup. I'm a good salesman. It's not my trade, but I am good at talking people into buying things. So many people to marry you. I mean, they buy into your whole thing. I never thought of it that way, but maybe that's true.

And then they get to know me and the bloom is off the rose. Yeah. Why do you think that you're so incompatible with people? What is it about you? To be honest, I think when they find out about the previous marriages, that's a red flag. You don't tell that. Wait, okay, this is lying by omission. It doesn't come up until after we're married. It can come up if you make it come up.

It's never come up. You've been on a date? They said, have you ever been married before? Yes, I say yes, and it did work out. 30 times. Nobody ever asked how many times. It just hasn't happened. You have to, I mean, if this is the real thing. you're getting so many divorces, you should tell these people. It's not the sole reason. It's not the sole reason. But a majority of her, the preponderance of the reason. It's mentioned most of the time. More than a Wyclef, certainly. More than a Wyclef.

Let me just say it's mentioned more than a Whitecliffe. Any more times than one is more than a Whitecliffe. Any more times is more than a Wycliffe. Well, Alamoni Tony is here. Did I introduce you? Yes, I did. Okay, good. I was wondering if I was still on the docket. And of course, my song parody, my nom do song parody is weirdemone alimony Tony is here. And he was saying that he's been coming up with a very serious song parody that he wants to, the lyrics of which he wants to debut a little later on the show. I don't think I said that. Oh, okay.

Maybe I misheard you. You know what? Since you brought it up, I will debut it later on the show. Okay, great. There might be a time during the rest, the course of the episode where I get a little quiet. I understand. Where I'm letting other people talk. You brought out that thesaurus, by the way, out of your back pocket.

That's right. I keep my thesaurus in my back pocket. It's right. I wonder your butt looked so big, but it's so. Well, no, it's just my the spores. My back is all kinds of messed up, by the way, from sitting on this thesaurus. It makes you taller in the chair, I have to say. What's the, what's the, because you're... Well, if I remember to take it out of the pocket and sit on it, then it's fine. But if I keep it in the pocket, then I'm sitting unevenly, and it really messes up my back. What's the other book? Because you're not, you're not lopside. Oh, wait, is it the fountainhead?

Yes, by Einrand. Yeah. I heard so much about it. And I thought, I got to check out this lady's work. Thesaurus might come in handy when you read that. Why is that? Because I don't know words. Oh, I guess a dictionary would be more out of it. Well, I mean, I'm, look, I've looked at the Thesaurus so much, I know a lot of words. I guess you could, if you were strapped and didn't have a dictionary.

If I was carrying a gun? No, I mean, if you only had enough money for one thing, by the Thesaurus. I cannot imagine such a scenario. If you only had money for one book and you were like, I don't know whether to get a dictionary or a Thesaurus. By the the thesaurus. Walk me through this. How does it happen that I don't have enough money for two books? I know you're independently wealthy. I'm talking about a poorer person. No, I get that, but I just, I honestly don't know because it's not my experience. I'm saying like, if you were to go into a bookstore and you go, God, look at 1995 for each of these books,

I only have a 20 spot on me. By the the thesaurus, because you would be able to glean the definitions of these words by its synonyms. And the dictionary only gives you the definition and then a few synonyms, right? Yes, I suppose that's true, but you're trying to think your way out of this one. Well, I'm trying to say, when you're using this, you need a reference book. You need a reference book because you don't know what a lot of these big words are. Right. And people are using the theorist words all the time around you.

And you're like, what is going on? You could backwards figure it out. I don't know what perspicacious means. What does perspicacious mean? Observant. Oh, okay. See, now, if I were to look up perspicacious, in the the

Theaurus. You know what? I'm going to look it up right now. Okay. Oh, he's brought his the Thesaurus out. No, that's the fountain heads. You got to switch books. That's the fountain.

What are you doing right? Skipping ahead to the P. Oh, that's the pages. I just, I imagine it's P.E.R. This is the most exciting moment in podcasting. Acute, all-knowing. Aperceptive.

Perceptive. Use that observant. Apperceptive. What is the difference between perceptive and aperceptive? I have no idea. Okay. But if you had a dictionary, you would be able to find out. But can you from that thesaurus?

I wish I had a dictionary. Let me see if it's in the fountainhead. Hold on a second. Look up every... Just read it aloud, would you? The fountainhead. Chapter 1. The takers and the makers.

Which one are you? Howard Roak knew which one he was. Is that where fake it until you make it comes from? That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Well, interesting. All right. Well, check out the fountainhead.

We're running out of time. we need to go to a break. But if you don't mind reading the entire fountainhead during the break, and we'll wait for you. Well, let me just say, this will take us to the break. Aperception, it's a noun, it's from psychology, and it's dated. The mental process by which a person makes sense of an idea by assimilating it to the body of ideas he or she already possesses. Ah! A derivative is Aperceptive.

It comes from the mid-18th century, Charles Dickens Times, from the French apperate. Aperception or modern Latin apicepcio. Wow. Wow. What an incredible moment in podcasting history. Only 13 years into comedy bang, bang, we suddenly have such an incredible, just dynamic moment in podcasting that people will be talking about for years and years to come. Scott, are you being sarcastic? No.

Are you sure? Look it up in your thesaurus. Maybe I am. I'm not sure. Yeah, I was asking because I don't know what that word means. You've never used it in your vows. Who? Can you imagine? Wedding Fowling included the word sarcastic.

Hey, I'm not being sarcastic when I say, I love you. It would cause so much doubt in the mind of the other person. I never assumed you were being sarcastic. All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have someone from the animal kingdom and an attorney. Wow. A lot of, a lot of... Those are two different guests.

Those are two different guests. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, two different people. Plus more animals. It's not a person, that's right. An animal and a person. Plus more Alamone Tony, who is a person, not an animal.

We will be right back with more comedy bang, bang, bang after this. Comedy bang, bang, we're back. Alamone Tony is here. Hi. Been flipping through the the source. What did you come up with? You have some interesting words to throw out to us? No.

Okay. What is that a synonym for? Negatory? Negatory. That sounds like CB talk to me. Yeah. Negatory, good buddy. Look out for a smoky and a plain brown wrapper. On the dirty side. We got a bear on the sky. Bear of the air. Bear of the air. It's a helicopter.

And it's time to get to our next guest. This is exciting. I'm excited. You've used the services of many attorneys. Yes, I have. Do you use a different one for each divorce? I try to stick to the same one. A couple of them have died. I think we talked about one. of them in one of your previous appearances. I'm sure we probably have one. We would love to have that person on the show if you ever want to bring them on.

Oh, that's interesting. Sure. Maybe I will. Yeah. Maybe I'll call them up. Or her. That's right. Is it attorney journey journey? Attorney Smollett? Journey Smollett? Is Attorney Smollett's attorney? Yes. She's fine. She didn't do anything. She didn't do anything. No, it's Jussie. Yeah. She's fine. Journey Smollett is fine. She's okay. Don't worry about her. Don't put any of the Jussie stuff on her. No. She is a different person. Yeah, totally different person. She's our own person.

That's right. Very similar name. We'll give her that. They're next to each other in the alphabet, kind of. Yeah. Jussie journey. Juckwee? Is there a cue in the?

Jukweets? Jogweets. O'Day. It's a jug of buckwheat. You pour it out and it's a breakfast. Junk wheat. Chug wheat. We should start selling Elmoney Tony's Juckweets.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm not sure about that. Let's never talk about it again. Okay. It's making me a deal. Nothing about it doesn't feel right to me. All right, but let's get to him.

He is an attorney. Please welcome to the show. Oh, my gosh. Did I write down Rudy Del Muda? Robbie Del Muda. I wrote down Roby Del Muda. That's okay, Scott. That's okay.

Your name is Robbie. Robbie Del Muda. Oh, okay. I didn't put the second B in. That was my problem. That's okay. Okay, Robbie Del Muda. Welcome to the show.

to have me, Scott. I'm glad to be here. I'm noticing, Robbie, and this was not made apparent to me by our booking person, but I'm noticing that you are, you have all the trappings of a certain type of person. You're very short. Your face is very smooth.

Yes. You, uh, it hasn't been ravaged by the sun yet. Not yet. You'll get there. Don't worry. But you, you, uh, you're, you seem to be a young person. I'm 11 years old, Scott. 11 years old.

I'm in fifth grade. You're in fifth grade? Yes. Okay. I'm a fifth grade, Scott. And you're an attorney? Well, yes and no. I don't know how those two can coexist.

Much like a person with the same DNA can't be on the earth at the same time. What? It gets transported to another dimension. Another dimension, by the way, Alamone, Tony. Is that true? Another what? Dimension. Another dimension.

Another dimension. Another dimension. Scott, I'm so glad you said that this is a child, because I was thinking he was. And I didn't want to say it. What were the things you noticed about him that you... Well, he's small of stature. Sure.

His face is very smooth. Very smooth. Not yet ravaged by the sun. Yeah. And, but his deep voice is a little... It threw me off, the scent. Yeah. Well, I mean, not as deep as some human beings, but certainly...

You've gone through... Ted Cassidy? I hate asking any person this, but you've gone through puberty, haven't you? Scott, I've been asked a lot of questions as of late. so no topic is off. Off limits and not off the table? Okay. I tell you right now,

I do have a bit of a lower voice, but that's because I am trying to seem a little bit older than I am. Oh, you're putting it on. It's an affectation. A little bit. I'm currently on, here's the deal.

Okay, yeah, just tell me your deal because a lot of people come on the show and they don't get to their deal quickly enough. So I'm glad that you're cutting to the chase and you're getting to your deal. Time might be short, Scott. Time might be short.

I'm currently on trial and I am representing myself. I don't want to be representing myself, but I'm currently representing myself in a major trial. Oh my God. You know the old adage that... No, I'm probably not.

Because it's old? Yeah. What is... A client who has himself as an attorney has a fool for a client? An attorney who has himself... An attorney who comes to work. A man who defends himself in court

A man who wakes up one day. A man who. The doctor is a woman. Yes. You know that one. The doctor is a woman. I've never heard of that. This is no help in all right now, Scott.

Not a Doctor Who fan? No. What? Do you see his penis? No, I barely have I ever seen anybody's penis. How many penises have you seen? Mine. My dad's.

In what situation? We go to the gym. Isn't it shocking? What are you, pump an iron with him? Now we go to the gym and then we shower afterwards. They got private showers and I'm too scared to shower by myself so my dad has to shower with me. He doesn't want to, but I'm not at an age where I feel comfortable yet.

Isn't it a shocking thing when you see your dad's penis? Yes. You're just like, what is going on? What's going on? How do I get one of those? Am I going to get one of those? Will I? Dad?

Is it good or bad? He's like, don't talk. We're not talking about this right now in the shower. With the gym. Is that what you're on trial for? No, yeah, no. No. I'm on trial for embezzlement.

I've been wrongly accused. Let me get that out there right now. I've been wrongly accused. Embezzlement. So you have your own company or at least a company you work for? I'm too young to have a company. I'm 11 years old. I'm in fifth grade right now.

You've mentioned that. There are a bunch of people, a bunch of older men that work at a company, granite investments. Granite investments. Okay, and where is this located? This is located in Wisconsin. It's located just outside of Milwaukee in Monominee Falls. Oh, okay.

And that's where you're from? Or the company is there? I'm from Cedar Grove, Wisconsin. It's a little bit further from Monominee Falls. It's about a 30-minute drive. Okay. No one's really interested in those kind of details. You could just say it was like nearby.

Well. Because this is a worldwide podcast. No one is really getting granular on like Wisconsin geography, you know? I don't, I know. Scott. It's one of the only facts you seem to know. Scott. I'm in all my head right now.

Okay, let me tell you that right now. So you're reaching for things that are familiar to you. Yes, I'm just trying to make my way through this trial, okay? I'm in fifth grade. I got a lot of homework, Scott. I got a lot of homework to get done. And I'm not getting to any of it. How did you reach this point where you're on trial for it?

Scott, I was at home just a mind of my own business, and I look up and my pants are watching the news, and my face pops up. Apparently, a bunch of these old men were embezzling money from other investors at grand. investments and then they were taking some of the money and they they were they were going to get pinned for it but they ended up they pinned it on me they pinned it on 11 year old boy and now i'm on trial for my life so you you're you claim that you're the patsy in this situation yes god

do you know what a patsy is yes i've been told many time that that that many times that's more than a white cliff who what well i don't expect you to know who White Clef is. He's someone with a penis. Okay. Like my dad. Do you think Wycliffe ever thought like, hey, what if I tried that Lenny Kravitz thing? And they tried it. I mean, I would imagine every musician when that happened was like, I'd probably do that too.

It's like celebrities getting podcasts. Yeah, you got a lot. What if Lenny Kravitz hosted a podcast just talking about that incident? Who's the first celebrity to have a podcast? That's like the first letting Kravitz to let his penis fly. Adam Curry. That's true. Yeah, you invented them.

So, Robbie, you had no knowledge of any of this. I had no knowledge. These people, they were taking money from investors, and then they ended up pushing them into NBA trading cards, okay? They were trying to turn a profit because sports cards have made a big leap in popularity as of late. And then their investors were finding out, so they were like, we got to pin it on someone. Wait, so do you, do you collect these? They do collect NBA trading cards as well.

That's what made this so convenient for the people at Granite Investment. I don't understand this scheme, though. The Granite Investment people were embezzling money. They were embezzling money. They were investing them in NBA trading cards. They were investing their embezzled money in NBA trading cards. To hide the money is- Yes, to hide the money.

It's like laundering. Okay, were there receipts for these NBA trading cards or? No. Do you know what receipts are? I'm sorry, you seem very confused. Your eyes got wide when I said that, rather. My mom, when we're at the grocery store, my mom buys stuff, she puts it on the card and they say, do we need the receipt? And she says, no.

So you've never known what one is? They just put it right into some empty bag. Why does your mom want the receipts? She doesn't want the receipts. She says no to them. So the cashier puts them in the bag. Well, what it is is they're printed on paper. They're itemized lists of every single thing that was bought.

What? Yeah, I don't know why they're necessary either. But we're buying with no. We're not even use the paper to pay for the things. Now they give us paper. We're not giving them paper anymore, but now they're giving us paper. Do you know what a checking account is, by the way? What? Yeah, the crazy things that we used to have.

They're like promissory notes. Scott. Do you know what those are? No, I can, look, I can barely keep my head above water right now, okay? I'm in court. I'm trying to stay in fifth grade. I got a bully at school. I'm in a lot of trouble right now.

Oh, who's bullying you? Dean Axton. Wait, this is one of the deans at the school? Yes. Yeah. Oh, no. My school has multiple deans. It's terrible when your bully is one of the faculty members.

Yeah, it is. Tell me about it. Wow. So I just don't understand why, I mean, it seems like you have definite links to this crime. I mean, I have links in the fact that I buy NBA trading cards as well. I have a similar hobby. Similar to what? Similar to what granite investment?

Seems like the exact same hobby. Okay, yeah. Am I at trial right now? All right, I'm already on one trial, Scott. Okay? No, you did, we swear everyone in before they come on this podcast. I know. I trust me.

I'm familiar with the process. So you can be prosecuted if you ever lie on this podcast. So I just want to make sure that you know that. But you took an oath. But so, I mean, it is a little strange that they, I mean, I've never heard of any scheme like that of someone trying to hide the money in trading cards. Scott, I am just as bewilded as you are right now. Okay?

I'm sitting in that courtroom. I had an attorney to begin with. Yeah, what happened? Yeah, why are you representing yourself? The attorney said, this is, this case is a sham. I don't want to be part of it. So he walks out and the judge is. Usually when the, when the attorney say a case is a sham, they're talking about it because it's unwarranted.

And that makes them want to stay on it even further. Not this guy. He walked out the door. The judge says, I don't see anybody else here for you. Did you say something like, who has two thumbs is going to be representing himself? and then pointed his two thumbs at you? Yeah, boiling them over at me. The next day I know, I'm cross-examining witnesses.

Oh, no. Are you objecting ever? Because that's something attorneys can do. What? Yeah, you can object to anything that the other person said. Scott, I've been blindsided through this whole process. Oh, that's a big part of it. I object.

Quick, I got a question for you. Yeah. Hey, um, when, do you think? When do I think what? Do you think that early? What do you think this? Scott, I'll get a lay out a scenario for you. Tell me what you thinking.

Right when you say it, probably. Or Tony, either of you can answer this question. Oh, Tony, this one is for both of us. Okay. Do you think that... This is sort of like the three people who married you, you and Hermione, splitting up the responsibility. That's fun.

We had a third. Scott, if, Tony, let me tell you, if I was in that situation, my mind would be spinning. I'd be like, I got two dads here. What's happening? I got two dads and a mom? Greg, Everett of Paul Reiser? What?

My two dads? Who? Any more than two dads is more than a right. Okay, speaking of, that's my question. All the two dads is a waste. Okay. Speaking of Paul Reiser, listen, here's a question I got for you.

If you have preference, would you rather watch Mad About You? So you know who Paul Reiser is? My parents talk about him. You said who earlier. I know you're not on trial here, and I'm not cross. Well, he might not have known who Greg Evergood was. The Star of BJ and the Bear.

Yeah. Do you, if you had to watch Mad About You, who did he play BJ or the Bear? Because either of those could be a monkey name. He played BJ. He played BJ. Yes, the bear was the monkey. The bear was...

Isn't that fun? A monkey named bear. That's like a doctor named a woman. Well, a dog named cat. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine? By the way, we have someone from the animal kingdom coming up. Okay, so when do we think this?

Go. When do you think? When do you think? What would you? I'd rather watch Mad About You or what? Or would you rather watch Man About You or an episode of Seinfeld? The entirety of Mad About You or one single episode of Seinfeld. Probably one episode of Seinfeld.

I don't have the time to watch the entirety of you want to fight 100 ducks or one big duck. Yes. Which one do you pick? Which one do you pick? Would you rather watch Seinfeld or fight 100 ducks? That's a tough one. One episode of Seinfeld? One episode of Seinfeld.

One episode of Seinfeld. I would rather fight the ducks, probably, to death. The Mighty Ducks? Yeah. Okay, now we're talking of my language. Would you want to fight Emilio Estabez and the cast of Mighty Ducks? Yes. Or watch one episode of Seinfeldon.

I don't know. Emilio Estabez is unvaccinated, though, so I'm not going to. I don't know if I'd want to... I think wasn't he fired from Mighty Ducks before that reason? Oh, that's right. He wouldn't do it. Yeah. So I don't know that I want to get that close to him.

Now what denied Emilio and Mighty Ducks 4? Clapton? Emilio Estabez and Mighty Ducks 4? What's next? What's the next? 11 year on trial? That's currently. What?

It's not next. No, that's now. Yeah, that's now. Yeah, it's now. I just need to... A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. There we did it. Sorry.

How does that make you feel to hear that you're a fool? I tell you what. At least someone tells me a little bit what's going on here because I'm in a lot of trouble right now. Yeah. Yeah. So why did your lawyer leave? Because he thought the charges were so ludicrous?

He called it erroneous. He called it erroneous. He walked out. There was no one else left. That's bad lawyering. It seems like he would go, these are erroneous. I can win this.

Er, erroneous. That's a little song parody. That's Duran Duran. by the way, I don't know. There's two of them? The same name? What kind of mother is that? There's no two robbies in my family.

So how's the trial been going? I mean, how's it? Well, let me tell you. Please do. We're in night court. Why are you in night court? Because I have school during the day. Is it fun like the John Laracette night court?

What? It's being rebooted with a, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, From the Big Bang theory. Johnny Gallagic. No, no, no. Melissa Roucho. Kaleigh. You know who Melissa Rous.

I know who Melissa Roucho. Missy, Missy Rau, Rau. What? That's one that I don't even know. No, my goodness. Anyways, I'm in night court. You're in night court. I'm in night court.

I'm defending myself. Boom, boom, boom, boom. There's going to be some sweet sounds, Cobber down the Diet Court. Is that the Seinfeld? Very close. It's the precursor. Oh.

It is very close to the Seinfeld thing that I call them. Yeah. I need to hear more of the stuff about all the stuff because I'm trying to make small talk with the jurors. There's so few songs where a bassist can truly shine. Nightcourt theme, Seinfeld theme? Yeah. What else? Any red hot chili peppers?

Oh, God, can you imagine here flee on dynasty? Can you imagine Flea on Dynasty? Can you imagine Flea on Dynasty? Oh, my God. Or Dynasty on Fleek? Oh. I can't. Wow.

I can't either. I can't imagine Flee on Dynasty. I can't. You can't? I've been, I can imagine Flee over here. Yeah. I can imagine Dynasty over here in the Carrington's and the, you know, the huge house and all that. I can't get these to cross over.

I can't get Flee to walk over to the house. You can't imagine John Collins and Flea doing some dishy dialogue. Falling into a pool together. No, I can't even imagine it. I feel sorry for you. Well, I feel sorry for you for different reasons. Oh. I don't want to get anyone now.

Talk to the, talk to the charge. What is this? My pants? talking to each other here. What's going on? Your pants. Oh, now you hear each other and you agree. Got it.

Okay. We're friends again. Okay. We are friends again. Hey, got it. So you've been in night court. I've been in night court. I'm trying to get through school.

My pants are like, my parents are like, I don't care. You adjusted the way you said parents for us. And I appreciate that. Yeah, trust me. Fool me once. And then what? And then I'm, I'm buying it. I'm buying it, I'm not looking back.

Good to know. Yeah. My parents are like, just get, just go ahead, get you keep your grades up, do whatever you're going to do on your free time. We don't care. We don't care. They're not invested in this trial. They're not invested at all. They don't care one bit.

They don't care. No. They don't care one bit, Scott. And I'm just like, I'm up the creek without a paddle over here. Yeah. I'm looking at serious time. Yeah, I mean, embezzlement. I mean, the minimum mandatory sentence for that must be at least 10 years.

years or so. Yeah. Scott. Could you be my lawyer? You seem to know a lot about this already. I mean, I'm usually, how late is this night court?

I'm usually in sleep by 5 p.m. It starts at 10 p.m. Starts at 10. Yeah. What kind of night court is this? It's night court. Scott, I'm so tired during the whole trial. I'm so tired.

I can barely get through it. I can barely get through the nights. I mean, how long has this trial been going on? Is it like? Not right now. It's been go two and a half months. Two and a half months. How complicated.

What are they? I mean, what's all the evidence against you? Okay. There's a bunch of trading cards that look similar to the trading cards that I have. Okay. Okay. Similar in what way? Let's see.

There's a Zach Levine rookie card that I have and they also have. Okay. But they're saying that it was one and the same. They're saying it's an identical card or they're saying it's the exact card. They're saying it's the exact card. And where is your card? Have you brought that in to say, no, this is my card? I will never show them where my card is.

Okay, it's an expensive card. I'm not giving it off from nobody. Okay, see, but this is important evidence. Is this why your lawyer quit? Because you said that you wouldn't offer the evidence of that would clear your name? I told him, I ain't giving you nothing. Let me ask you a question. Let's cut to the chase.

Let's cut to it. Which in film terms means editing out any of the dull moments and then cutting to the exciting chase part of it. Oh, is that what makes the Avengers so great? I love those movies. It was some of the best chases. Oh, the best chases. Loki's chasing Hulk. Hulk turns around and chases Loki.

They're back and forth. Yeah. It's a never-ending. It's a never-ending story. So let's do it like the Marvel movies, where we just like cut out all the, as Eric Clapton would say, BS. Oh, what?

Did you, have you ever been to Granite investments? Yes, once. Once, one time. So a Wycliffe. Yeah, one time I went to Granite investments. Okay. And what did you do? What was the date and what did you do there?

I went there. I went there about six months ago. All right. Okay. I went there. It's about three and a half months before the trial. Uh-huh. And I went and I brought...

It's a speedy trial. It's a speedy trial. But you have the right to a speedy trial. So I'm glad that you... Yeah. That's one thing that you did right. Yeah, but I thought speedy trial was going to be like four minutes. I thought, fine, I'll be in.

I'll be out. Okay. Can we do this on recess or what? I can get over this. I can get this over with quickly. No. I brought my base by back. basketball cards to grant investments because I was going to invest them.

I was going to invest your cards. Okay, you're a kid. You don't know how this works. Oh, don't talk down to me, Scott. I know how this works. All right. Okay, so you were bringing your cards to granted investments. Did you leave them there?

I may have left them there for a little bit. All right. Are they still there? Well, I don't want to give away my hiding spot, but yes, they are all that granted investments. Okay. And where did you get the money for all these cards? Oh, I have a paper route. Okay.

A dying job. Let me tell you that right now. Oh, boy. Prince. Don't get me started on that. I don't want to, all right? Because I've already made the argument many times in the courtroom, all right? This show started, by the way, as a newspaper.

What? And then it segued into podcasts. We were lucky. Yeah. You were lucky to make the transition. A lot of papers didn't. But the amount. Did you have obituaries in your...

We still do during the show, yeah. If you listen, a lot of people turn it off when they hear the earwolf tag. Oh, yeah, I love the obituaries. We should. If you haven't before, listeners, make sure you tune into the, stay for the obituaries this time. I love the obituaries and I love the opinions.

But it seems to me like the amount of your, of cards that you own, if they're so valuable. Yeah. I don't know that you would be able to buy them from just a paper route. Did you ever, By the way, what is your connection to granite? Does your father work there by any chance?

My father owns granite investments. My father who I love very dearly and will love till the day I die. He's got a bigger Wong than me. Here's a tip. Love him until the day he dies. And then you can feel however you want to feel. Oh. You don't have to love him until the day you die.

Oh, okay. Yeah, unless you die first. Has that concept ever? I know it's a heavy concept for a child that you can die before your parent. What? What? No. That's not possible.

We're going to die at the exact same time. Oh, probably, maybe in a car accident. We're never going to, what? We're a bus family. Wait, you all take the bus? No, we all own the bus. Oh, you own one bus? Yeah.

Like the Partridge family? What? Who? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. These are difficult concepts to grasp for such a, an 11-year-old boy. It sounds like a good family, though.

It sounds like a good family. I'd love to be a part of it. I don't know. If I were you, I would try, you know, maybe wear a wire and try to get your dad talking about this. When you walk through the garden. Contact the FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigations. Okay. It used to be run by Hoover.

Contact the FBI. Say you're willing to wear a wire. Is that how you always introduce them when you're talking about? This department used to be run by Hoover, Jay Edgar Hoover. Was he a recent? Is he a recent? Not recent all. No?

I just want to give you some historical content. Okay. In case you ever watch that movie, Jay Edgar Hoover, which has the aforementioned Leo DiCaprio wearing Halloween store old man makeup. Oh boy. That was something else. No one never talks about that. In this Leo canon, no one never brings up that loose out.

Can you imagine spending four months working hard on something? then it comes out and no one ever speaks of it ever again. No one talks about it. Except right now to say how bad the thing was. Who directed it? Clint Eastwood. It's a Clint Eastwood movie. It's got Leo DiCaprio in it.

No talking about it. And Army Hammer, unfortunately. Maybe, oh, that's right. Maybe that's why you should do more than one take. If you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you want people to remember your movie. He was the Frank Sinatra of directors. He surely was. You're not paying me to make two movies.

It was weird that the other, like you expected the other characters in Jay, to be like, why do you look like that? Hey, what happened to you? Well, that was my house of Gucci problem. It's like anytime, uh, uh, what's his name? Who is it, the Joker? By the way, that's my theory is that it's not Jared Letto

doing that performance. It's the Joker. Oh, no. He showed up. The same Joker from Suicide Squad showed up and he's like, I want to act in House of Gucci. Imagine being an actor who looks like that already and saying, I could have done that.

Why did they call me? Yeah. I could save everybody some time. In House of Gucci, why doesn't it, ever say, hey, why do you look like that? Why are you talking like that? How come nobody in Alts & Guzsche doesn't just say, why don't we speak in Italian? Instead of doing English in these accents, why don't we just speak Italian, our native language,

in our native home? Here we are in Italy talking English and Italian accents. We are here where we love to live. And occasionally saying Italian words. What's going on? I'm writing this stuff down. I got to talk to the jurors about this stuff. You know what to talk to the jurors?

No, I got to contact the FBI. Tell them you're willing to wear a wire. Who used to run it? Jack Hoover. All right. Name drop him in. Say this, Jedga Hoover used to run the FBI. Yeah.

Yeah. Say you're willing to wear a wire, finger your dad. What? Oh, you know what that is? I know what that is. Trust me, my friends and I laugh about it all the time. This will solve all your problems. You'll get off.

What? You'll get immunity. Say you'll do it for immunity. You get off another print song. 22 positions. It's one night's dead. Oh, you know that. Yes, I know that, Scott.

I'm not an idiot. I live in the. world. Okay. Well, look, we have to take a break, but maybe, you know, try that out during the break. Call up FBI.com or whatever. I don't know if you can call. Call up FBI.com. Can you call a website? I'm not sure. Call up Zappos.com one day. We could have been saving so much time calling these websites. Why are we typing? Why are we buying computers? All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, well, if someone from the animal kingdom, that's very exciting, we'll have more with Alamony Tony, and we'll have more from Robbie Del Muda.

We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Alamony, Tony is here. Hi. Been on his phone crafting something. No, I haven't. What are you talking about?

Oh, okay. What have you been on your phone doing? I've just been like looking at Twitter and stuff. Okay. Okay, but you are going to be debuting a parody song. Yes, which we established I've written before. Sure, yes, of course. Yes.

I'm just going to sing it at the end of the other. You're going to sing it at the end of the show. Before the obituaries. Yes. Who died, by the way, this week? No spoilers. No spoilers until you get the abets. We also have Robbie Delmuda, attorney of law. Thank you very much.

Don't. What? I just said who you were. Sorry. Are you thanking the listeners for their appreciation of you? I'm trying. That's what I say to the judge. Whenever he lets me talk or tells me to stop talking, I say thank you very much.

By the way, do you call him your honor? I call him your honor. And I'm always like, what's under there? Underwear. Oh, you drink me. Yes. God damn it, bro. Yes.

The judge hasn't fall full once you have. It's worth it. I'm going to keep trying. All right, Robbie. Well, we need to get to our next guest. Yeah, Robbie. This is a, I mentioned someone from the Animal Kingdom.

This is a dog. Please welcome to the show, Max. Hi, Scott. Pleasure of me here. Hi, pleasure of you. Yeah. My pleasure. Oh, aren't you a cute little thing?

Oh, thanks. I'm sorry. I meant to say that to all my guests. Aren't you a cute little thing, Elamony a dog? Scott, don't say to me, Scott. I don't want to be here. But I can say to a dog, can I?

Yeah. Yeah, you sure can. Thanks. Hi, so nice to meet you, Max. Yes, Max. That's my name now, but if I get adopted, I'm willing to take any name. I haven't been adopted yet. So that's just a name I use right now.

Your dog currently on the market? On the market, yeah. Oh, is that why you're on the show in order to get someone to adopt you? Yeah. Just putting out. Or do you have something else to plug? No. No.

Just me. Just to be adopted, yeah. Oh, okay. So you want to be adopted. Your name is Max. Who named you? I would have to be adopted. A woman named Susan who lives in Phoenix, Arizona.

She is a breeder, and that's what she named me. And why is Susan getting, not getting rid of you, but putting you up for adoption? Well, she put me up for adoption. Nobody bought me. They bought all my brothers and sisters. She says I'm naughty. So you're naughty by nature or nurture? I'm naughty, I think, by nurture.

Oh, so you were raised to be naughty by Susan? I think I just came that way because everybody else got adopted. And so now I'm trying to be naughty because I was nice. Now I'm naughty. Let me get this straight. So you were nice. Yes. A good dog.

You were a good dog. Yes. Didn't get adopted, but all your brothers and sisters got adopted. Yes. So now you're trying, because you think maybe that we love bad boys. Yeah. I'm a real bad boy. You're a bad boy.

Yeah. So you're a naughty dog. Yeah. I got your phone earlier and I texted all your exes. No. Yeah. Okay, this is not typical bad dog behavior. Oh, I'm a bad dog.

Are you shitting on? No, I'm not gross. I'm not a gross dog. I'm a bad dog. You're not disgusting. Oh, I'm not, yeah, I'm not disgusting. You're pulling pranks? I don't even lick my crotch.

Yeah. Yeah, I get just a little naughty things. Like, I invited you on neighbors over for dinner. Oh, no. I don't have any food in the refrigerator. What? You don't have any food in the refrigerator? Nothing?

That's sad. I just have baking soda. Oh, wow. What's it? What's its purpose? It's the no food fridge. I don't know. Yeah.

Oh, this is a disaster. When are they coming over? The invite says... You put out a whole invite? Yeah. This is like a paperless post? Yeah. I got...

You hacked into my paperless post account? I hacked into your paperless post account. Those things cost money! Yeah, I know. And I upgraded you to more... Paperless post prime? Yes. Triple P?

Yes. Twifel P. And so it's supposed to happen tonight starting at 12 a.m. 12 a. This is a terrible time for dinner. I know, but I said you must come. Has anyone RSVP? Everybody.

Yes or no? Yes. Because I said you must come? Yes. Oh, my God. I'm not going to be able to make it just to be clear. You're in court. I'm in court.

Why aren't you in school today, by the way? It's a school day, as we've established it's a court. day, which can only be during the week. I've had enough. You're not going to school anymore? I don't want to hear what Mrs. Bunker has to say. Who's Mrs. Bunker? I don't care about my fifth grade teacher.

She, I'm not doing any social studies. I don't care about imperialism. Wow. What are they teaching CRT? What? Never mind. Well, I mean, you seem like, I mean, you're a naughty dog, definitely. Yeah.

But, I mean, it seems like that's, that's, you also seem very nervous. I mean, are you. I'm very excited. Oh, you're excited? And a little nervous. Being bad's new to me, so it makes me a little nervous. But whatever really gets me at home and some maybe belly scratches and, you know. Have you ever had a belly scratch before?

No. Susan doesn't even do that. What does Susan? I mean, what is her deal? Is she run a kill shelter? What is? She does run a kill shelter. Like I said, she's a breeder and she runs a kill shelter.

So sometimes it's just a straight pipeline from... Really? So right from the vagina to the gas chamber? Yeah, right from the genie to the gas. Is that how they kill the dogs and kill shelters? I don't know. Scott? Do you know what these things are?

Kill shelters? Yeah. I mean, I've heard of them. I don't know ever was. It's a good metal band name. It's a good metal band name. It's almost an oxymoron kill shelter. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, that's true. You think a shelter is a safe place and kill is obviously not safe. Yeah. Oh. Do you know about oxymorons, Robbie? Yeah, I'll tell you what. I think Dean Axton is an oxymoron. All right, very good.

Hey, you know it was a real oxymor? Rush Limbaugh. Remember that guy? Oh, wow. He was addicted to oxy and he was a moron. Now he's in hell. Oh, wow. Oxy moron from hell.

Uh-oh, Richel Lewis would be bad at you. So you have no idea when you're, but I mean, time must be running out. Yes, time is, I can't stress this enough. Time is running out. I would love to be adopted. I'm a little naughty boy, a little scamp. Maybe you're into that. Right.

I mean, chicks love the bad boys. That's very true. Now, hold on a second. Does your naughtiness extend to destroying household property? I would never, I don't chew slippers. I don't chew on things I'm not supposed to. Robotes? Oh, never. Are you sure you're not lying?

I'm sure. I'm not lying and I've never done it before. Okay, okay. Sorry. I retract my question. Yeah. So your naughtiness is more just things that are... Yeah, I made all your... When I was waiting, I made all your toilet papers spicy. Oh, I'd rather you chew on the remote.

I won't do it. Can we go back? I won't do it. No. Those are dog, those are regular dog things. How did you accomplish... It is very special. If I use that toilet paper, I'm going to have like a Favreau chef kind of situation where I say, out my butt is on fire. And that sounds fun, right?

That keeps you on your toes. And, you know, a lot of people got dogs because of what we're going through. And I feel like I'm keeping life interesting, you know? It's like, well, what am I maybe going to wake up to? I guess, but I don't know that I want to be always on defense when I'm at home. Okay. You know, I mean, usually home is where I read. relax, where...

You're on offense. On home, you're on offense. Yeah. You like to attack. Yeah. You like to get after it. Coolops on defense. I'm on offense.

Yeah. Is Coolops still single? No. When was she ever single? No. I met married. I bet married. I wishful thinking of it.

I mean, I'm going to be single soon. I'm just... Okay. No, she's off limits to you. I'm sorry. And again, I'm sorry. There's no one here in the backyard for you to marry. That's all right.

But if she comes down here, no, she is otherwise engaged. Understood. Understood. Oh, she's just engaged. No, no. Oh, I see. Yes, Max. I love cool up.

Oh, you do? I would be such a good boy for cool up. Well, we already have two. I know, two dogs. Yeah. I don't know that we're taking on any more clients. Okay. Well, maybe a trial situation or something like that.

Oh, no, that's what Robbie's going through, unfortunately. Don't remind me. Robbie, do you have any pets or anything? Yeah, Robbie. Do you have time for that? Any best friends you need? Yes, I have a dog. You have a dog.

His name is Baxter. I love him. He sleeps with me a night, but I'm never home anymore. So now he sleeps with my sister. Oh, no. Why does everything you say sound like the biggest tragedy? I know when you're that young. Yeah.

But I mean, this is, in terms of like everything going on in your life, that's not the worst thing. And by the world is constantly cracking. Sheing down around me. But what about Alamoni Tony? He's about to be divorced and he's going to be alone for a little bit. Alamoni Tony. Do you have room in your harder house or place for a dog? I have plenty of room of my heart, plenty of room of my house.

But I'm definitely allergic. Not to me. Not to me. I'm a hyperalgetic dog. I'm a hyperalgetic dog. Those are the ones I'm allergic to. Yeah. I feel my throat closing up as we speak.

Are you serious? Yeah. I'll get shaped. Wait, wait a minute. Wait, who's this? I don't sound like. I feel like I'd sound like somebody else. Someone who was on the show last week, I think.

Here, here, let me be blowing it. Thank you. I inflated it. Oh, my gosh. You inflated my wood pipe, thank you. No problem. I'm sorry, Max. I'm only to do that for any guy.

I'm sorry, Max. It's a no for me, dog. For this reason, he's out. My Christmas, you want to know about my Christmas? Well, two of my brothers and one of my sisters straight up died. Oh, yeah. No. So I guess that is sad that Maximus is sleeping with your sister, Haba, Haba.

But I don't think that's a way to get him interested in adopting you by saying his sister is attractive. I mean, I'm just assuming that she's attractive if a dog is sleeping with her, Haba, Haba. And if she looks anything like you a little bit older. Does Haba Haba mean the same thing to you? Is that just dog speak for like rough rough? What is that? Oh, don't do that. Oh, don't do that.

Scott's canceled. Scott's canceled by dogs. I guess we're not the Animal Kingdoms podcast. You open up that notes app. Never mind. Anyways, my my siblings, they wonder, they were, we were all playing. Christ, Scott. Yeah, you want to know.

You're all right it up? Yeah, I know. That doesn't mean I have to. talk about it, but I will. We were all playing outside in the yard, and we were in a little puppy pile, and we took a nap behind a little car tire. Oh, no. My word.

Yeah. Oh, no. And then Susan was going out. Yeah. And then Susan was going out, and she started a car. Going out on Christmas? Yeah. Where was she going?

Get smokes. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, Susan. Yeah. She ran out of a school. And she had a... Spars!

Yeah. And she had to get... She said she had to get a more... Like Swiss or sweets? Or like, are we talking like... Oh, we're talking big... Philly humans? Yeah, we're talking Cubans.

Oh, yeah, pack a day? Pack a day? Oh, yeah, pack a day. A pack of cigars a day. Pack of Cubans and her dealer could only meet her on Christmas. Um, so she... She started the car and we scrambled out of weight because we heard it. But then...

but scrambling out of the way, they wandered off a little cliff. Oh, no. Yeah. So they didn't get run over. They just wandered off a cliff. Yeah, they got started and then they wandered off the cliff. And they were fine. They were fine when they fell off the cliff?

How did they die? What a story. They just tumbled. I'm getting to that. Are you calling this a car accident? Is that a good? No. No.

Why would I call it a car accident? Get to the death, please. I'm trying. The Max is not on trial here, by the way. Yeah. I just want to know what it feels like to be on the other side for a moment. Watch yourself, counselor. A pack of wolves got him in their...

Oh, no. Yeah, got... Picked them up in their little mouth, but they thought that they were their own puppies. So they were fine. So they raised them. Yeah. They raised them as wolves.

They raised them as wolves. And then they killed them. Oh, no. Why did they kill them? Do you know? They raised them first and then they killed them? Yeah. Only for a couple weeks.

Yeah, I don't know. We lost touch. Did they suddenly admit they were dogs and they felt so betrayed that they were like... I guess I don't know. We lost touch after they fell off the cliff because I stayed. They might still be alive. Oh, wow. We don't read their names in the abits at the end of the show.

Oh, yeah. Max, listen to the obituaries at the end. Okay, okay. And if those names aren't in there, what were their names again? Oh, as far as far as I know, Doddy, Shelby, and Jacob. Okay. Doddy, Shelby, and Jacob.

I'm looking at the Abits. All right. So you know already. I know already, yeah. You're going to want to listen to the Abits. Okay. It seems like either way I'd, yeah, Warren. So rather than just tell them now, you say, wait and listen.

You're heavily implying that they're dead, but you're still making back, stick around. Stick around for the abets. You're like, you're like, enjoy these. I got nowhere to go, so I'll stick around. Yeah. All right, look, we're running out of time. Do you want to do your song parody after the plugs or before the plugs? After the plugs?

Okay. We're running at time. Okay, great. We just have time for one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Open the plug bag. Open the plug bag. Jeremy Pivens plugs.

bag. Oh, wow. It was beautiful. Beautiful. That was Anna McAnallan with Jeremy Piven Plugs. Boy, do we need to rebrand as the Jeremy Piven Plugs? I maybe so. I mean, that was, now that was a parody of Jeremy Piffin to you.

Jeremy Piffin to you, yes, an early deep cut on this show. Thank you so much, Anna, for that. Please send in your... So she did all the vocals. She did she multitrack yourself. She doesn't credit anyone else on this. Oh, what if she, what if she didn't do them all? She's just being a jerk.

Yeah. Who knows? Although Anna and Mick and Allen could be two totally different names. True. Doesn't have to be a first name and a surname. Still one person not getting credit. Yeah, that's true. All right, guys, what do we plug in?

Alamony Tony. You want to plug anything here? Yeah, I'd like to plug. You know, I like to watch shows online that I can't be. I like to watch. I like to watch shows online that I can't see in person. And I watch these shows on Vibio. It's called Variatopia that's hosted by this guy, Paul F. Tompkins.

Oh, he's married to the person. that I was talking about earlier. That guy? Yeah. That's bananas to me. But, okay. That he's married to Janie? Yes.

It doesn't make any logical sense. It doesn't make any sense to me at all. But yeah, I mean, but I don't know how he pulled that off. It happened. But what he does, this is the alternate earth where it happened. What he does, the alternate earth where it happened. Hamilton. But also, see, my song barities devolve into just you saying something.

And then I take an existing song. I say the phrase you just said, but the rest of the actual lyrics. Okay. So. So Vimeo and this guy's shows. It has teamed up. It's variety show. Vimeo and this guy's shows.

He puts his variety shows on Vimeo. I feel like you're interfering with the plug that I desperately want to get out there. You want to get it out. Yes. So he puts these variety shows on Vimeo, and you can find them at BITLY, you know, the BIT dot LY slash PFT dash VOD.

Interesting. And you see these wonderful variety shows. B-F-T. V-O-D. This is what it means to me. V-O-D. This is what it means to me. Okay.

So yeah. And you can see these wonderful variety shows online. You can buy them. They're up there for purchase. Whoa. How many does he have up there? Right now I think there's four up there, plus two improvisation shows. Whoa.

Called Spontorco. Okay. Fantastic. Robbie, what do you want to plug? Let's see. First off, I want to plug me. First off, you have more than one thing? Is that allowed?

Because I have another thing. Oh, yeah, go ahead. Do your other thing. Also, Varietopia is happening live. I'm hoping to see this March 6th. You want to be there in person. I said to watch it on a month. There's an early bird show at 5.30 p.m. on a Sunday.

That's Denny's. Exactly. Here's the thing. You go see a fun show. Then you go home for dinner. At that point, maybe you go out for dinner. Yeah. What an evening.

Wow. And that's March when? Madness. March 6. Sunday, March 6th. 5.30 p.m. tickets are on sale now. Wow. PFT.f.t.com.com slash live.

No, Paulifth Tompkins.com slash live. Paul Ftomkins.com slash live. That's for the live show in Los Angeles. All right. Great. Jesus Christ. Is good. No, that's what I bet. He made it all possible.

All right. Robbie, what do you want to plug you? Okay, first off. Oh, geez. Back to first off. I want to promote my innocence. And second off, I'm selling a Janus. at the Kumpo rookie card because let me tell you what, lawyer fees are not cheap. Wait, but you're

just paying yourself. Yeah, but I got to eat lunch every day. I got to eat that over there by the courthouse and the food there is expensive. Oh, no. Okay, that's true. Why is the courthouse food so expensive? It's unbelievable. Max, what do you want to plug?

Just me. Yeah. Just please just figure out how to adopt me. would be great. That's all. Okay. I want to plug, hey, CBBWorld.com. We have some great shows over there.

We have that Randy Snuts show that just was on. We did the aforementioned flashdance episode with Janie Hadad Tompkins. And we have something, some cool stuff coming out this week. So check that out. I'm interested. You're interested? Yes, I am. Okay.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag. All right, guys, that was by. By the way, thank you. That was the Victor Manslaughter. Don't close the plug bag. Thank you for that remix. Guys, I want to thank you so much. First of all, Robbie, thank you.

Good luck to you. Thank you. Thanks for having me on here. Will you come back and update us about what happens with the trial? I mean, you can't come back from prison, obviously, but... Right. I can't come back from prison. They let me know that several times unless I make a daring escape.

So you're already, you've moved on mentally to escaping for prison. I got a bunch of bed sheets already. Oh, you're not allowed to bring your own bed sheets into person. What? But my skin. Max, good luck to you. I mean, this may be the last time we ever speak, but stick around for the obits. No, I'm so excited and nervous.

Excited and nervous for the abyss or for life? Okay, maybe we'll be talking about you next week on the show. Oh, wow. And Alamone, Tony, it's that time, is it not? Oh, is that time? Do we close up the plug bag? We've closed up the plug bag, yes. Was there a song?

There was, we just heard it. Oh, okay. I was lost in thought. Yeah, but speaking about this, Susan. Oh, yes. So this is the aforementioned parody of the Star-Spangled Matter called a bar-mangled manner. A bar mangled manner. And it's about some Americans that built a bar inside downtown Abbey and they wrecked the place.

Okay. Okay. Oh, Lady Mary, did you party last night? Did you do some fat rails while O'Brien was cleaning? Seems the Yang's built a bar out of Lord Granthum's sight. There was rum, there was scotch. Mr. Carson started careening. Mrs. Hughes drank her share.

Bates let down his slick. Lady Edith got tight, Mrs. Patmore got bare, and the way that that Dowager counters did rave all through Downtonet and our Lady Sibyl's grave. Playball! That's right.

All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. And today's Comedy Bang Bang Bang Abituaries are Doddy, Shelby, and Jacob. Rest in peace.