Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Be My Guest, Literally! (Michael Ableson, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, Lauren Lapkus)

Episode Date: December 4, 2025

It's a special co-host edition of Comedy Bing Bong with our favorite German film director Werner Herzog! Werner and Scott welcome guest of honor Michael Ableson, a NYC corporate litigator AND “Origin Story” documentary donator! He tells us all about being the hero of the banks when suddenly Ho Ho the Naughty Elf squeaks into the studio. They are also joined by well-known French actor Jean Claude Pepi who reads a Nosferatu script, plays a new game called Name French Actors, and settles the score during Would You Rather? Originally released as episode #338 on 03/09/2015. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. And wow, since Thanksgiving is now in the rear view, that means the full force of the holiday season is now upon us. And since we're here in the holidays, we are bringing you the ghosts of CBB Christmas past. With the series we're calling, Yo! Yo! It's Santa and Ho Ho! Featering Santa Claus, of course, and Ho Ho The Elf. This series will highlight episodes featuring Lauren Lapkis as Ho-Ho and Paul F. Tompkins as Santa.

Oh boy, just in time for the holidays. A little bit before, but just in time for it, you have to agree. Now, this episode, the first in this series you're about to hear, is titled Be My Guest, Literally. It was originally released on March 9, 2015. And this is a really special episode because we have a... A guest on the show that you have probably never heard of before, and you've never heard from him since. No, I have no idea. I've never heard from him since.

But his name is Michael Abelson. He is a gentleman who donated to my wife Kulop's documentary in exchange for an appearance on the show. Now, he got to pick the guests that he wanted to be on the show, and he picked a murderer's row, although I don't believe any of them have ever murdered anyone. Although if it comes out later that they've murdered people, I would also not be surprised. So who knows? But who do we have? It's co-hosted by Werner Herzog, played by Paul F. Tompkins. We have Andy Daly as Jean-Claude Pepi.

Lauren Lapkiss is Ho-Ho the Elf. And, of course, no holiday special would be complete without Santa, played by Paul F. Tompkins. Now, if you enjoy this episode and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, as well as CBB presents, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com. We have all the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents, Scott hasn't seen, the neighborhood listen,

college town, so much going on over there. You're going to want to become a subscriber. We're going to be back Monday with the new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. I play bang, bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy, bang. Comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang. Comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang. I play for keeps, sometimes for crapes, occasionally for canopays, but mostly for keeps.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, welcome to another episode of the show. so much Rob underscore M for that catchphrase. So mysterious. Hello. Who could he be? Who could you be? Who is this fellow who has only an initial for a last name?

It's interesting. You think his last name is only his initial because on the internet, why not put your entire name? He is clearly hiding something from the general public. It could be his last name, though. That is obviously what he's citing, but... Well, I'm confused because your initial premise was that, he only has one letter for a last name, and then it seems as if you abandoned that

halfway through. I feel as if you are deliberately misunderstanding by intent for your own purposes, much like this Rob underscore M. What do you think my purposes could be, Werner? You like to make mischief, and you like to stir the part, as it were, and you like to make trouble for people. I like to obfuscate the actual truth in order to... Yes, you're a liar.

God damn you! I don't need to be treated like that here. You're a fun liar. Oh, a fun liar. Well, that's okay. It's different. And is that one word, a fun liar? Yes, it is.

F-U-N-L-Y-E-R. It's also the name of a model of a car in Germany. Fantastic. Of course, speaking of Germany, we're talking to... And we just were. We certainly were. There can be no disputing that. We were just speaking about Germany,

and I want to use... that as an internal segue in order to introduce our co-host here for today's podcast, Comedy Bang Bang. First of all, I do want to say, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. We're in March. Second up of March. How would an Irish person say that? March?

March. I don't know. It's a very specific pronunciation. I am Mark. Nope, I'm doing Papa. I'm not asking how Papa I would pronounce it. How is it that there was no Max Fleischer cartoon wherein Popeye goes through the calendar and names all the months?

That would have been very nice because that would help you out with some sort of ringtone, I imagine, if you like to have someone call you in here every month read. Yes, why didn't they foresee the makers of those black and white cartoons? Why did they not foresee the dawn of cellular technology? technology ring tones ring backs boring in my mind um by the way my name is scott ockerman and welcome to the show it's uh i wouldn't even say it's hump week of march yet we're on the cusp of hump week is hump week a concept now yes verner you haven't been on the show for a while but uh i believe with nick crawl and i talked about hump week is the middle week of

the month and it's the week where it's like oh boy we're finally through the almost through the month about to pay the rent. Did you know that I'm taking the crucial time slot? Really? Werner Herzog is? Due to the success of my comedic appearance on the television program, Parks and Recreation. Sort of a film. They film it.

They film it on film. I am having my own half-hour sketch comedy program on Comedy Central. Where you do characters? Yes, I do several characters. What kind of characters would a Werner Herzog do? Famed director and sometime actor of the Jack Reacher franchise. I do I'm assuming

The franchise that is yet to be Yes well Just takes one more I do funny impressions Of celebrities Hmm Okay Celebrities of the past

Celebrities of the present Or celebrities of the future I do one celebrity From the future It's not a popular character Because no one has heard of him yet But they will Or her

Oh man Wait wouldn't you know from the impression No it's very far in the future When mankind has become genderless Okay, very good. So what do they call gender in the future? And how do you know these things, by the way? No spoilers.

Oh, okay. Do one of your celebrities from the past. Oh, I'd love to hear one of them. Certainly. He's standing up. He's stretching. To me, you are less than human. You might as well be a vermin, filthy vermin crawling on the ground.

Okay, I'm going to stop you right here. First of all Who did that sound like? It sounded like you To be quite frank It sounded exactly like you It's weird You can't hear my own voice back

Yeah I cannot say that you changed your voice One whit But surely the The famous quote that I deployed Would give you some indication I am not quite sure about that quote either I mean you know I'm not the most learned soul

To me you are less than human You are as filthy vermin crawling on the ground Everyone knows this quote This may be a popular quote with you but I don't really know it. Jimmy Cagney. Jimmy Cagney and Lacey? Yes, from Cagney and Lacey.

It was Jimmy Cagney and Lacey Chabeyer from Party of Five. And from Mean Girls. It was his last project and her first. Yeah, wow. I would love to see that. It was the story of a very, very old man. And an incredibly newborn baby. An incredibly newborn baby.

Oh, so newborn. If opening scene is the hospital. It was the first human birth recorded on national television. Oh, my goodness. The show was cancelled before it aired. Oh, too bad. It was a different time when this was not considered proper to put on television a close-up of a woman's vagina as a baby is emerging from it.

These days. With all the blood and fecal matter and all of the attendant disgusting. human juices that that herald the arrival of another miserable soul on this stupid planet, which we call home. Well, but

you know, a glimpse of stalking was once considered shocking, so, but these days. Whatever happens, happens. Yeah, bile and vaginas. You can, as you're flipping through TV. Bile. I don't know if bile was mentioned.

Oh, sorry, what did you mention? That's more of a mouth thing, I think. Oh, that's true. And a stomach climbing. It starts in the guts, and then it comes out the one way. Yeah, it doesn't go out the other way, huh? No, then it doesn't go out any of the three ways. We're going out through the three ways.

Four if you count of the eyes, I suppose. That's true. Werner, so that was Jimmy Cagney. That's a fantastic impression. Thank you. Can I hear one of your impressions from the present? Yes, of course. Celebrity of the present.

This is Werner Herzog from his new show. all is despair. I did not ask to be born into this world or this life. Why? Why must I live? I am not in charge of my own destiny. Is that a cold play lyric? I'm having trouble placing it. Do you watch television? I certainly do. It was Honey boo-boo. One of her famous quotes. I see. I'm paraphrasing, perhaps. Perhaps, but the look in her eyes is where you're getting that. I am an interpreter. Yes. Well, again, Again, the voice is not incredibly different. You may want to hear the one from the future. Certainly.

Bleep, bloop, larp. Bloop. Ah, okay, this is in the future when humans speak in computer noises, as in one, bleeps and bloops. Ones and zeros that are... It's different than the standard robotic computer noise, because the computer noise does not have the L sound. Computer noise is mostly just the vowels beep.

Why doesn't the computer have the L sound yet? It seems like we can put a man on the moon, supposedly. Because the L stands for love and computers will never understand it. That's true. That's a good point. Well, Werner, good luck with your show. Thank you, good night. Oh, no, stick around, please.

Please, I would love for you to stay around during the entire show. Very well. I didn't bring you on just to hype your upcoming sketch comedy show. How many episodes did you do? 40. 40? Wow. That's quite a lot.

You shot them in a month. Seems like you didn't put a lot. lot of work into this. You don't know until you see it. And what's the title of the show? Croll show still. Croll show, comma, still. Yes.

Okay. Well, you made... We're hoping to get some of those residual Crows show viewers. Yeah. You may get some runoff pee from that. But what does that mean? I don't know.

Well, fantastic, Verner. It's great to have you here. Thank you. You can stick around the entire show? I am able to... I am not willing, but I shall do so. Okay, great. Well, we all have to do a lot of

things that we don't want to do in this life. Vote. Sure. Yeah, no one likes doing that. Everyone hates it. Really? Why do we even bother? I think because we enjoy the feeling of futility and then we can complain to our friends,

that's like you see a popular bumper sticker that says, don't blame me. I experienced the futility of voting for the other guy. Not sure that I've seen that one, but do you, are you a music fan? Do you like Rade Against the Machine? I certainly like the idea. Although if I had my druthers, I would change the name of the band to rage against everything but machines. I see, because machines are the one thing in which we can take solace. Machines are created by man, and so we can predict what they are going to do.

Indeed, we program them. But a bunch of trees, forget it. No, forget it. And what about the singularity? Do you think it's coming? Yes, in two months. Two months? That's too soon.

I won't be ready. I perhaps I shouldn't have spilled the beans on that one. Oh, dear. How do you know so much about the future? You never find out if you don't ask. That's true. Okay, you know what? I'm not going to ask.

I guess I'm never going to find out. I'm never going to find out. Oh, well, we do have to get to our guest of honor. Why? Because he paid a lot of money to be here. What's that, you say? Pay to play? Yes, it happened finally.

People are paying to get on this show. I like, too long have I had people come on here and I've just let them on here for free. No, people are finally paying me. It's a poor business model. Yep. He is our guest of honor and I'll explain what we're talking about in a second, but let me tell you just a little bit about him. Now, a lot of times when I introduce a guest, you can slowly start to figure out who this person is. You get one credit.

Ooh, I have a little bit of an idea. credits, uh, closing in, three credits, done. Uh, this bio biography, undoubtedly, no one, but the people very closest to him will have any idea who this person is, but I'm going to go through it anyway. He was born and raised in Leeds, England. He is a, uh, college graduate who works as a corporate litigator in New York City. New York City. Did you star in an early version of those salsa commercials? Yes, I did. I directed many of them.

Did you? Why? Well, I'm a huge fan of spicy foods. And I, to me, it was a great exercise in capturing real rage. Which a lot of your work is focused on. The Grizzly Man. That's the only film of mine you're familiar with and you haven't seen it. It's not about someone.

someone who's so mad, he acts like a grizzly bear. I don't know. I was a... Although... I would think you would be able to piece it together with context clues. Nope. By this point, what the film is about. I cannot.

Although I would say superhero movies being as popular as they are, grizzly man, that could have been a huge hit. It's just as dumb as Spider-Man. It certainly is. I would be happy to put a cape on a bear. A cape on? A bear. Yes.

All right. Let's get to our guest of honor. Of course, he's a corporate litigator from New York City. Any ideas? No, you don't. I should add that I'm also one of the birthday boys. Yeah, I would believe it, from your skin color. Yeah.

And your sex. I mean, it's like a 50-50 chance. Yep. Any white guy you meet may be a birthday boy. He was born and raised in Leeds, England. Please welcome Michael Abelson. Hello, Michael. It's a pleasure to be here, Scott.

Thank you very much. Welcome to the show. Now, let's get this out of the way. Why are you here? I'm not good with money, Scott. Not at all. Obviously. You're like some eccentric millionaire who has decided that this is what you want to spend your money on,

is you want to be sitting in a room with Werner and I. Yep. And what's the process? Without me saying it, you say it. How did you get here? Walk us through it. Thank you for now. Well, your wife, cool up, much like...

My who? Your wife. Just because I'm a fan, you don't need to do all the hits. Okay, no, I'm perfectly comfortable doing them. It's been a while since I've said that. What do you mean by the hits? I was hoping you would say it's been a while. Why?

What's a strange waste of hope. Well, one must have it in this life. Your former girlfriend, who you married. Thank you. Is much like Dyer Straits' third album, making movies now. Mm-hmm. And much like Mark and David Knopfler, she was in Dyer Straits when it came to how she would get this money. That is actually my favorite joke you've ever told, which is why I did my little tribute to it.

Very good. I like it. Quit Pro Quo. She is making the movie Origin Story, which seems like a fantastic project. She was on this program not months ago talking about this, and she had a Indie-Go-go campaign. which is a fun thing to say It is fun, can I say it? Sure, go ahead.

Be my guest. Uh-huh. Indigo. Indiegogo campaign. Indie-gogo. Which, uh, for the... Indie-Go-Go campaign. Campaign, yes.

For the listeners, is not, does not have anything to do with Harrison Ford or Stephen Spielberg. It's, uh, not Indiana Jones. It's, uh, independent. Does it take place, it doesn't take place in Indiana? It does not. It doesn't take place in a go-go bar? No, sir, no. Where does the go-go part of Indy?

That is the part. that I don't really know. I mean, maybe it's like, go, go, do your thing. Maybe it's encouragement. Okay. Got a little room tone. Okay, I needed that. Good.

All right. We're going to circulate that throughout the entire podcast. Fantastic. Okay, good. Thanks, guys. Moving on. Now, Michael, you see this campaign. Are you a listener of Kulap show, Who Charted?

I am. Okay. So did you hear about it from that show first, I would imagine? I did hear about it from that show, and I believe she revealed on the show that one of the rewards or prizes available if you donated was an appearance on this show. Mm-hmm. And if I may ask, how much money did you contribute to the campaign in order to be? It seems like a crass question. It is.

Well, it's there on the website. Anyone can see it. It was actually, no, I selected anonymous donation. You did. But everyone, well, I mean, okay, what was the minimum you could put in? Now the story can't be told. It was $36,000. Yes.

So you have paid $36,000 to be here. No, that is not correct. It couldn't be. No, it absolutely could not. You are ruining the whole point of an anonymous donation, which is you can dramatically inflate it. That's true. Okay, so you did pay $36,000. And you have that kind of money to burn for people listening out there.

Well, I was actually planning to burn it, but this seemed like a more noble course. Fantastic. Did you say that, forgive me for a bursting in... Yeah, come on, Werner, please. When I was listening to your CV, you are a corporate litigator? That is correct. I'm surprised no one's mentioned it before now. So you litigate on behalf of the corporations?

Or against them? Mainly investment banks. It's very soulful and wonderful rewarding work spiritually. So on behalf of these corporate banks, things like Wells Fargo or Bank of Ameri-Rae? I'm... Werner enjoyed that very much. Thank you, Ferner It's always nice to be a fan

It suddenly occurs to me I probably shouldn't name specific thanks On whom I'm working and not working Or yeah, exactly Let's just take it for granted That the people you represent Are all just faceless conglomerates Who live to crush the souls of tiny people

That's correct And they have made their riches On the backs of poor people everywhere Across this great country Well, not just poor people Certainly, at the expense of some rich people Probably And you are their defender

Yep Oh, I provide a voice of the voiceless. I don't see anyone else stepping up to defend the investment banks. Now, we should, by the way, we should stress, you are not a person doing a character. You are from, you are from Leeds, England. You were born there. That is correct. This is not a funny voice that you're doing.

It is a funny voice, but it is also my voice. It is your voice. Can you speak in an American accent if you tried? No, I really can't. You can't. Try to do what I'm doing. Try to sound like me if you could. I could try and do an Irish accent.

Would that help you out? I would love to hear one for a little research. How would you pronounce the month of March? March? No. No. No. It's not it.

Oh, March. I don't know. I don't know that the little handle is helping you get into the accent. Yeah, I don't know. It's not helping. So you contributed a lot of money and you're... $36,000. $36,000.

And just to be here. And you were allowed to ask, you were allowed to ask me to ask friends to drop by, some of your favorite people, and Werner was one of them, and Vernor's here. How does that make you feel? Of course, it is wonderful to find out that the hero of the... The hero... What? You're in tears. My goodness. It's a very emotional thinking about it. I've never seen you cry.

That the hero of these banks is also a fan of mine. It's nice to know that a person out there doing their part. Yes, we both deal in despair and showing the world how things are not fair. Now, you also, I say you're a college graduate because you went to a school just outside of Boston. That's right. Okay, good. We know which one you're talking about. And you don't understand that, Werner.

I don't. No, you're from another country. No, but of course, I directed the movie, the sequel to Goodwill Hunting, so I know, of course, you're talking about Harvard. Of course, yes, but they don't like to say that. They're quite modest people. Well, they're instructed to say that so as to not make other people feel terrible about themselves. Is this not true? That's completely accurate.

I'm very sorry for the jealousy and shame you're probably now feeling as a result. At what point in your chronology, let's just say life, because that's easier. At what point in your life did you move from England to America? What's the story? What did you pack? Give me every detail. It was, after I graduated from university, I realized I was sick of not living in America because when I was a kid, my family used to come over to America every year

and we would do a road trip around four new states. every year in the summer. Four new states. And did you get to the entire Continental 48 within 12 years? We did not. We fell a little bit short. We did around 30 total. Which ones did you skip?

Which ones were not worth your time? I'm going to make him name 20 states? Yes, sir. I know that Idaho and Montana are not in there. I fall apart a little bit on the remainder. You look so disappointed. I am sorry that I cannot sit here listing states in Painfully slow monologue.

Which ones did you go to? Name 30. Instead of the 20 you didn't go to. Would it be acceptable for me to just move on to the next stage in the chronology? Name just this made shortening. Name just the ones that excelled the making of salsa. New Mexico. They have new salsa.

It's very good. California also has very good salsa. Very close to Mexico. Yes. Vermont. surprisingly. Very underrated when it comes

to their Tex-Mex cuisine. They do a syrup salsa mashup that is not as disgusting as it sounds but is disgusting nonetheless. Fantastic.

That's an accurate description. And so at the age of 22, one would assume when you were done with university does university mean

high school or college in England? It means college and it's 21. It's a year short in England. Okay, great. We're all stupider.

Okay, great. At the age of 21, you say, you know what? I got to get back there. We've got to go back. You fell in love with the people. You fell in love with the geography, the climate, the salsa.

So much to love here in America. Did you employ the old Dodge? Oh, I left my sunglasses there. We have to go back to America, so I mean retrieve my sunglasses. I actually went with the Go West young man. I'm a fan of the classics. But you were talking to yourself. I was.

I looked in the mirror. Did you come with? Many people don't realize that that quote was delivered to him. mirror. Yes. Did you come with anyone? Did you, did anyone accompany you? Was anyone sitting next to you on the plane? This sounds kind of like an ICE immigration

interview, like are you bringing any dependents with you? No, I came alone. Came alone, and you didn't know anyone here? I did not, no. Wow. Did you touch any livestock before entering the country? I do have a pet cow back home and I like ruffled its head and said... Like an

Into the Woods? Yes. I haven't seen that movie. I've been told it's not worth it. Is that accurate? Well, it's the story of your life, apparently. If you grew up with a pet cow, you'll want to see it. Thank me later. A lot of emotional resonance. And you know movies, so advice taken. I know five movies.

Did you almost direct into the woods? Yes, I did. Oh, man, I would love to see your version. I had a different vision for the film. I can bet. What was your vision? Well, it was only 10 minutes long. Okay. They get into the woods, and then that is it.

And they're just swallowed up? They are set upon by nature and destroyed instantly. Wolves. Wolves. Real ones, not text Avery Wolves. No, not Johnny Depp, spending about two hours on set, wolves. What a wonderful use of his time. I have to think that he spent more time on the photo shoot for the poster than he did actually filming that role.

I think they did them at the same time. Probably. Quick, quick, quick, start shooting. Can I get two frames of you? Use your phone, whatever you have to do. So you came out here at 21, and did you? Did you move to New York City straight away or did you... I did not.

I moved just outside of Boston. Okay. Oh, so, but then you went to Harvard Law, so you... That's correct. And that was for your law degree. That's correct. Which, okay, fantastic. You do need a law degree to be a lawyer.

Okay, I like it. Did you pass the bar? I did, so I know a little bit. Okay. How does Cambridge, Massachusetts, compare to Cambridge, England? They are very similar. I actually went to both of them, so it was easy to get my mail forwarded if I did that transition. And, yeah, pretty much the same.

It would also be very easy to get your mail mixed up. Hold on one moment. Yes. So you're saying by just the presence of the word Cambridge and your name being affixed to the top. Yes. It found its way, much like a child writing a letter to Santa Claus, just addressing it to North Pole. It finds him no matter where he is. That's not really how it works, actually.

Whoa! That's not really how that works. Who is this strange creature? I don't see anyone at the table. I'm here, man. Look, did it. I don't think there's any reason to look down. No, there is next to me I can see a tiny,

I don't like looking down. Look down! Oh my goodness, wait, I am looking down. Now it's ho ho! Now I've got my legs wrapped around the microphone, ho! The naughty elf! I'm naughty! Did you just appear because you heard the mention of the North Pole and Santa Claus?

Yeah! Have you been here the entire show? I was kind of spying, show show show! But when I was listening to your conversation, I heard you improperly tell about how the male gets to Santa. Forgive me a strange supernatural creature. I meant no disrespect. Let me introduce you.

I'm terrified of this thing. Yeah, I can imagine it's a genderless. I'm from the future. When your tongue came out, I couldn't help but notice it was as long as your entire body. It is. Two wishes and a dream. My goodness. Werner, let me introduce you.

This is Ho-ho the Noddy elf. Santa, you see. does not give gifts to naughty little boys and girls. But Ho-ho, the elf, found that there was a need from these children. Need for speed. Crack cocaine in their stockings. These bad little boys and girls needed presents because what is Christmas without presents? So she will give, or he.

Whatever, whatever. You'll never get it right. I'm a bit confused on the concept because I don't understand what is the point of giving the good little girls and boys' toys to reward their behavior. Well, everyone deserves Christmas. Yeah, bad little boys and bad little girls get knives and shivs and guns and machetes. But those are still considered gifts.

Yeah, they can use them to kill each other and their family. Boy, that was a lot of throwing up there. That seems a strange thing for Santa to condone. Yeah, Santa actually hired you. We talked about that last time you're on the show. He's got a lot on his plate. I had to take over the bad kids. What was the system in place previous to your hiring?

They got nothing, just coal. But they did get coal, so they did get a gift. They got something. It seems safer to give them the coal than to give them the machetes or the crack cocaine. I don't know. I mean, you know, coal throughout history has been used to stone people to death, you know? Is that true at all? Maybe.

When the little bad boys and girls got cool? Pardon me, ho. No. No, no. I would like to pursue this idea that throughout history, coal was used to stone people. Look, it's not as hard as a rock, but, you know, it's hotter. So it was hot coals. Yes. People were warming up a barbecue grill.

Yes. They're like, you know what? Let me pause for a second. I need to stone this person to death. For heresy? Certainly. For crimes against humanity. And so the colds.

No, I crave your indulgence. Ho-ho, do you throw up when you hear something that you are attracted to in terms of your general aesthetic? Okay. Three throw-ups in a row. Blah-blis-L-B-C. This is like a Morse code of throw-ups. Yeah, figure this out. Blah-blet-blet.

I said, fuck you very much. Fuck you very much. Ho-ho. It's not that kind of... Not that kind of show show. Show show. I've heard you say this before, but there is no evidence to support your claim. There really is not.

That this is not that kind of show. I think it kind of has turned into this kind of a show over the years. Didn't mean to start out that way. Who's your friend? Okay, this is Michael Abelson. Oh, I know you. You're bad. Oh, Michael.

Are the bone? Nottie, naughty. Am I on the list? Yeah, you are. Didn't you get my present last year? I did receive a machete in the mail, but I did order that, so I didn't. I didn't know. Why do you think you ordered it?

Good point. Yeah. You were nutty, babe. So, yeah, Michael is kind of a bad boy. You know, for the listener out there, he's got a lot of money. He showed up here wearing a leather jacket and cool sunglasses. He rode up on a motorcycle. Yeah.

He peeled in and then dove off and I watched. And it just went crashing into the building. Causts a lot of structural damage, I believe. He doesn't care. He's got dough to blow. Blow, blow. So, yeah, so he's one of the naughty kids. How long has he been on the naughty list, ho?

You're on the naughty list from day one. You pop out and you're naughty. It's born inside you. What's an original sin situation? Yeah, original sin you never washed away. Sorry, I just want to clarify, that's just me, or is that the nationwide, that's the situation? That's the rule. Okay.

So when people pop out of the close-ups of the woman's vagina with all of the disgusting blood and everything. Yeah, the bile coming out of her piss. then the child is just naturally bad and will never change. Yeah, depending on if it's bad or good. Oh, sure. Maybe it depends on what the mom ate. I haven't figured it out yet. You have no scientific study on this at this point.

No way, I'm not a scientist. I'm a naughty elf. But there could be some link between the mother's diet and whether or not the child is born inherently bad or good. Yeah, maybe she'd too much Thai food. Okay, so stay away from the Thai food for the moment, young... Or don't. We have no empirical evidence

To the contrary or Thai food perhaps Yeah It could be Yeah maybe exclusively Thai food We don't know How many children in Thailand are born bad Zero

Okay well this I feel as if We have a lot of evidence at this point So really you never get out there to Thailand I don't have to go They're all good All they do is make charities And stupid shit I hate

Seems like a lot of people on the Nottie List go to Thailand from America. Yeah, they do. Yeah, they want to see the ping pong balls. We know what you're talking about, ho-ho. You want me to explain, ho-ho? Go ahead. Well, when a woman loves a man, she sinks a ping-pong ball up her hoo-ha.

And shoots it out to his mouth and back and forth until eternity. And everyone dies. This is, I'm familiar with the beginning of the story, but not the ending. Oh, by the way, is Werner on your naughty list? He has been, but he got off it. Oh, how? I thought that you were on it until the end of time. He's the exception of the rule.

Because he made a movie I liked. Which one? Which film was this? Boyhood. He didn't make boyhood. Shut up. Oh, okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, Werner Herzog's boyhood.

I hope everyone enjoyed all five hours of it. Working with Patricia Arquette was a dream come true. I wonder what it's like to be just a boy and not a boy, Santa girl the same time. Like me. Is that your dream eventually to be just a boy, much like Pinocchio? No, my dream is to live on a rainbow and barf all day and night.

You'll get there. Where do you live now again? I live inside Santa. Inside him? Where? Well, he has a little vest on. You can't see it. He went to vest point.

Yeah, we talk about that. And I go inside a little pocket. It's not really inside his body, but it's kind of on his person. Okay. And you're very close to him. Does he know what you're up to on? a day-to-day basis? Yeah, we Skype all day long.

Okay. You want to talk to him? Yeah, I would love to. Let me see if he's busy. All right, here we go. Let's see. Eh, he's busy. He's busy.

Try him again. I would love Santa over here. Nah, he's busy. He's not answering. Wait, incoming, incoming Santa call. Hold on, let me press it. What's going on? Ho-ho?

Oh, ho. I'm just over here doing comedy bang, bang, for fun. Oh, that filthy show? Yeah, I make it filthy, but... No, you're not the only one. It's one of those kinds of shows. You listen, though, huh? No, ho!

Of course I do. I have to kill a lot of time around the workshop. Why do you think he's always laughing and so jolly? Oh, who's that in the back row? Oh, hi, this is Scott Ogerman. Oh, no! No! Not a fan?

Well, you know, I mean, you get great guests. Yeah, but, you know, my skills are a little lacking. You know, you've come a long way, I think, just the early days. It's still not quite there. I get it. Well, I mean, you know, it's like I get why people like you. Yeah, but it's an acquired taste. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. That you have not acquired yet. That's right. Where's Mrs. Claus still looking hot? Well, ho-ho, we've talked about this. It's not my favorite thing when you say those sort of suggestive things about Mrs. Claus. Is she still hot, though? She's very attractive, yes, they can.

One time I got stuck between her tits. Now, ho, ho, that was private. Wait, why were you stuck between Mrs. Claus? What were you even doing in there, and why is it private to Mr. Claus? Well, if it was your wife, would you want to talk? Well, you probably would. But I think most people, if it was their wives, they wouldn't want it all over the world. The world didn't happen.

Santa, while I have you on the phone, we have a bad little boy here on the phone, He's wondering if he can possibly be the second exception to the rule, much like Werner Herzog, and get off the naughty list. His name is Michael Abelson. Now... The corporate lawyer? Yes. Originally from Cambridge, but then he moved to Cambridge as to not confuse you. Okay, got to go.

Wait, wait, no. He's gone and lost his signal due to him hanging up. So sorry, Michael. Could we please explain to Santa that I did recently donate to an Indiegogo campaign for a very good cause? Yes. Indie-Coho campaign. Oh, go-go. What if go-go-ho, if you had an Indiegogo campaign, what would you fund?

Well, I'm trying to get one off the ground, actually. Oh, tell us all about it. Leave no detail out. I'm making a documentary about my life, but... Wow, you're... And you've lived a long time. I think we talked about that. How old are you?

Hundreds of years. Definitely hundreds. Centuries, one might say. Yeah, some might say that. But I want to have a lot of home videos from that time, and I want to piece it together and make a really cool documentary about my life and what it's like to live on the North Palm. You have home videos from hundreds of years ago?

Yeah. Centuries, some might say. I made flip books in my whole life. Oh. So there are home videos of drawings that you made of flip books that you then, when home video was invented. With a flip cam, yeah. Oh, I see. The flip book is a lost art.

My first attempt at making the film Strokechek was a flip book. What was it now? It's very hard to make one big enough for a theater full of people to see. And you have to have a big thumb. It took the thumb. The thumbs. I have several dozen people, but in the end they could not coordinate properly.

So sorry. And they dropped the book and four people were crushed. Oh, my goodness. I like that. Sounds like a good day. You seem like a very contrary person. I like people die. Is that your favorite day when you go to a funeral?

Yeah, I like to watch and laugh, laugh. What's the funniest funeral you ever went to? It was a baby. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. And it was an innocent baby, I presume? Yeah, at least likely to happen, so I think that's hysterical. Very good, ho, ho, very good.

Oh, ho, I don't know what it is about you. You're disgusting, you're small, you're genderless, but I love you. You've got to love me, not the mama. It's just a quote from dinosaurs, I think. I don't know. Dinosaurs is the ABC show? Yes, I think Hohol just worked and quoted from dinosaurs. Verna, didn't you work on that show?

Yes, I did. I was the one that made sure that all of the characters were something that no one ever wanted to see, that they were very discomforting and that you would never enjoy watching them on a regular basis. Have you seen the finale? Of course. I watch it.

I watch it once a month to remind myself why I do what I do. Yeah, I love it. It's all about how dinosaurs are going to become. stink because of all this bad stuff's people doing. I think that's funny. And maybe historically inaccurate. Yeah, maybe. Maybe not. Not the bubble.

All right, we have to take a break. When we come back, Ho-ho, are you going to stick around? Come on, yeah. Oh, very good. Got nowhere to be. We'll be back with more Werner Herzog, more ho-ho, and Michael, can you stick around?

If you insist. Well, you paid for it. I hope you will. Please do. We'll be right back. We have a very interesting guest coming up here in a second, so we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang, bang, we're back, and we have, of course,

acclaimed actor and film director and star Parks and Rec of the season premiere. Vernar Herzog is here. Hi, hi. And we have not an actor, although have you ever acted in anything, ho-ho? Private videos. Really?

I'm sorry, which? Private videos. such as just for me and my lovers Who would you consider your lovers Ho Ho? Anybody that I fucked Oh boy

By the way You're genderless How does that happen What do you guys lick What do you suck It's a lot of nipple action But Check out

You already see my dick last time It's not only a dick It's just my genitals It looks like a candy cane It goes in and out of itself So basically a lot of self pleasure Okay But you do have love

Oh yeah. Okay, great. And are these human lovers or other elves like you? No, elves, baby. Okay, so you're only into elves. Are you a specious? No, but do you fuck things that aren't human? That's a good question. I mean, I never thought we'd come up on the show, but, well, I'll tell you what, I'll talk about that on another show. Okay. Oh, may I ask, do you ever have sex with such creatures as gnomes? gnomes are gross bro have you ever met one i have not had the pleasure they're nasty little monkeys i have met claus kinski who was gnomish in his own way i don't know who that is he's a he was an insane person who's now dead good that's not all you need to know about it sounds like a comedy uh our gnomes are the things that are on people's lawns right yeah yeah what do they do though like i know what elves do and i know what hobbits do what does a gnome do they pick you're garbage and eat it and then make fun of all the stuff you throw out. I think that's possums.

Okay. And we also have Michael Abelson who contributed $36,000 to get on this show. That's correct? Hubba, hubba. And we're about So you're into money, Ho-ho? Yeah, I like it. Gimmy, give-e. You're not into humans, though, so why are you saying hubba-hubba? I like to roll around in money. It's my mattress.

I'm the size of a less than a dollar bill. That is true. She adhered other size of less than a dollar bill. Yeah. What about a hundred dollar bill? Same. Bigger than this is a B. Anthony coin. So if you're listening, you can get some sort of idea of how big ho-ho is.

That should fix the dimensions for you. Yeah, I should be in there. And Michael is a young man with a lot of money. Are you involved for the listeners out there? Are you involved with anyone romantically? Are you not into that? Or what is your deal? Not into it.

Not my deal. Not my interest area now. interested in romance ever. No. You just have a lot of money and the reason. I mean, yes, and. Oh. No, but you have a lot of money and the reason you have a lot of money is because you're not

taking people out on dates, right? That's exactly. It's a very empty life. Nothing really happens in it. It's mainly consists of sitting at a desk. It's thrilling. Are you, Michael, are you interested in anyone platonically? No, not with any human rights.

You know Plato, right? The ancient Greek. Yes, do you? Plato. If only his relationships with children had been more platonic, that would have been Gregful involved. Whoa, I like this guy. No wonder you're on the naughty list. Is Plato on the naughty list or on the good list?

Well, he's kind of before my time, but I do go back and write notes on every person in history on whether they were good or bad. So why did we need the preamble? He just asked a question. Why do we need you? I want you. Understand how it work. Seems like you're just like marking time until you can figure out whether Plato is on the good list or the naughty list. Oh, God. Go to hell.

I see you there Ho-ho is nearly doing due diligence in the course of any interview you must establish what is canonical about yourself Okay fantastic So and by the way

We figured out how big Ho-ho is We also know somewhat of a range Of how old he or she is Because not as old as Plato It was around for Native Americans Oh you were Yeah That was established in a prior episode

It was gone Yeah remember I was one And I got turned to a hell That's right Yeah, when did I say they were around? I mean, they've been around now. It could have been yesterday. They were always around.

They were around before all of us. Are they the oldest? Yeah, to America. Good catch. Thank you. That was a close one. Whoa. Someone got to fly away after that.

Yeah. By the way, is there something that can trigger you flying away? Yeah, but you'll know when it happens. Okay, very good. Maybe it'll happen by the end of the show. We don't know. Oh, wait. Come back, come back.

Oh! I just, oh, I got her, his little tiny foot dragging it down. Oh, I go, you bitch. What did we do? It seemed like we just paused and you flew away. Whatever you said, did it. I can't remember anymore. Me either.

Oh, well. We do have to get to our next guest. And, boy, I'm excited. And this is someone that you, Michael, request. to be on the show, which is really interesting because I don't know anything about this person, but he, other than he is, I have his bio here, biography, he is a well-known actor in France, and that's all, I've never heard of any of his movies yet, but please welcome Jean-Claude Pepi. Bonsoir, myz-voir, myz-voir.

Thank you for having me on the show. Very exciting. It's a great honor to meet you. You must have traveled in France to some extent because to be familiar with me and my career. I have found that outside of France, and nobody knows of my work, which is a great. extraordinary and bizarre. I would count myself among those people who do not know anything about you. I can't believe it. It's very upsetting to me

because in France I am the greatest film star of all of the times. All of the times. All of the times. You were saying, Michael? Name a time. Okay, 1943. Biggest film star of that time. Native American Times. Biggest film star of that time. Okay. That heads up.

Michael, you were going to ask, Jean-Claude? I was just going to say yes. A few years ago, I spent a long weekend in Paris and he was just Everywhere. It was, it's quite intimidating to be in the same room as him right now, I have to say. I can only imagine what you are going through.

Yes, it must be overwhelming. But you have to imagine it because you cannot be in their position because you're in your own shoes. I cannot be someone who is not Jean-Claude Pepepey because I am so busy all of the time being Jean-Claude Pepey. However, however, this is the work of an actor. And that is what I do for livings. I am...

Wait a minute. I think Bore had just walked in for a second. My wife? This is what you do for a living, you were saying. Bonsoir. We're backed in. We're locked in again. Okay.

I am an actor, and so all of the time I have to inhabit someone else, to become someone else. Always knowing that a very basic, on a very basic level, it is impossible. I am in search of something that cannot be achieved. You cannot physically know. more mentally transform yourself or transmogrify yourself even into another person. Not 100%, but no one in the history of French cinema has ever come closer than Jean-Claude Pepe. I would say no one in the history of the world has been able to do this at all. So the fact that you've even come close is quite a feat.

Yes, true extraordinary. That's a great way of putting it. Merci, yes. So tell us a little bit about your roles because we don't know anything. I mean, Ho-ho, you've traveled the world. Yeah Good list or naughty list Well, you want me to tell them

Do I want to tell them? Do I want to tell them? Do you want me to do? I think I want to hear your A long preamble Of explanation How these things come about No, look, it's obvious

I've got to be on the good list Because I have done nothing Good Wonderful things for the world Selebs are on the good list Every one of the celebs are But I thought that So when someone is born You know whether they're going to be a celebrity

or not? Yeah. Wow. God, I wish someone would inform the babies that they're going to be celebs. No, I shouldn't know. They'll get a big head. You think celebs don't have big heads? Well, you don't want to know you're going to be one when you're little. It's disgusting. How long have you known that you're a celab? I believe I knew this from a very early age that I was destined to be Jean-Claude Pepey.

As you now see him, who is me. I think I always knew that. How old of a man are you? That's a great question. Thank you. What is the French word for man? Om. How old of an om are you?

If it helps, maybe start with a preamble. Yes. Bonsoir. I am from France. Of course you're from France. And I am an actor. I am the greatest actor in all France. of all of the times, 55 years old.

55 years old. So now you were, of course, born in the 50s, being 55. Well, hard to say. It certainly is, but I'll tell you. You were born in the 50s. Do you like the police? How do you know that song, Ho-Ho? I know everything, Blet.

Of course, we're talking about the wonderful police song born in the 50s. We were born. What's your favorite song, Ho-ho? That one. Oh, okay. No wonder it came up then. What is your least favorite song? That one.

Whoa! You do the bath. I don't like music. Wait, but you just said you did. I don't know. It is impossible to do that math. So now... Jean-Claude, I mean, obviously Michael brought you here for a reason, right?

Yes, yes. Well, I am here. I'm glad that the scheduling worked out because it is very rare that I'm in the United States, but I am here right now working on film. I will be an American film, which is, of course, my dream to be here and to be as successful as Gerard de Pardieu. Is it shot on film or is it shot on digital video?

Or is it shot on sight? Oh, I hope that I will not be shot with the gun, as you imply. But I am in a film called Geico, and it is a film that is shooting tomorrow. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Guy going to be an extraordinary, possibly award-winning film. Okay, hold on. Can I ask you a question about GEICO? Yes.

Geico to us here in America. And it is here in America. It's an American film, yes? Yeah. Okay. Now, it sounds like an exotic, what could be an exotic film. I'm fascinated to find out what it means. It could be. I only know a very little bit. Only from the title, it could be something like Diabolique or something like that. But no, as a matter of fact, Geico is an American insurance company. Is that right?

That is right, yes. And I don't think that this is a film named after the insurance company. I don't know. I know very little about it, only that it is a very, we will shoot this entire film in one day. It seems to me like an extraordinary experiment. How can it be done? You know, and to do this and to be able to say when you are accepting your award, we shot this in one day.

Yeah, it's like the opposite of boyhood. Yes, me. I love that film. Mr. Pappy, may I ask a question of you? Yes, yes. What is the plot of the film? The plot of the film, I only have been told my part, which is fascinating to me. I don't want to, because my character does not know everything else that will happen in this film, yes?

My part is that I am a waiter at a fancy French restaurant, and a person has taken his pet's nail to this restaurant, where they are served escargo, and then it's some kind of thing. Can you imagine this? Oh, I can imagine this situation for this waiter. to confront, to be really the personification of death is what I think I'm going to be in the scene because to make this snail confront himself. His own mortality. His own mortality.

And the moral quandary that this waiter must be in of do I say something to this snail? Do I actually kidnap this snail and serve it to a different customer? Yes, of course, right. That's a lot that your character is wrestling with. There's going to be a lot going on there in this film. I think I cannot wait to do it.

I have not received a script. Yeah, you don't know any of your lines? have received no script yet. Can I ask, do you know if any of your lines contain information about car insurance? I have been told, yes, that there is some parts of it that's all about sort of ensuring that this does not happen to you. Okay. But I don't know, I don't know why you ask that.

But, yes, it's... Well, I hit the nail on the head, so I must be up to something. Fascinating film, yes, maybe. You don't do something. But anyway... Maybe. I cannot wait to be a part of this extraordinary film guy called... and you will be finding out about it when the Oscars are given out to extraordinary films.

Well, Jean-Claude... Film Extraordinaire? Jean-Claude, I'm afraid you are going to have to wait because you're not filming it currently. Okay. We have a deal. Very good. I can wait until tomorrow do this, yeah? Yeah, you're going to have to wait, though.

There's no problem, yeah. I hate insurance. Why is it? I don't think people should have the opportunity to fix when stuff goes bad. You think that... Deal with it. You think that something should go bad and just people should live with the consequences. Yeah, got it.

to deal with it because you were bad and you deserve it. But what about accidents that happen to people who didn't, weren't doing anything wrong? There's no such thing as an accident. God lets it happen. So it's God's fault. But not the humans? Is everyone who is involved in a car accident? Are they all naughty people?

Yep, naughty. So anyone who's ever been in a car accident either the victim or the perpetrator is on the naughty list. Yeah, they need a spanking. Wait, do you give out spankings as well? We've never talked about that. Yeah, watch. I feel like something is hitting my little butt. right now, but I can't...

It appears to be ho-ho is with all his or her might is attempting to slap you on the buttocks, but I don't know if it's registering with your time. It's not really registering, no. Maybe that's why no one ever responds when I do it. No one has ever said, hey, stop spanking me? No. Monsieur Pepi, I am disappointed to find out that I will not be directing your Geico film

because I don't know if you realize there is a concurrent series of Geico films In all of the Geicoverse, there are many different series. Is that right? And the ones I am directing exclusively center upon a CGI lizard who speaks much like our friend Michael here. Oh, my goodness. I wish that I could work in one of those. It's extraordinary. I did not know that this was a sequence of films.

I don't know that there is any. It's a franchise of films. Wow. And are they all award-winning films? some of them yes it depends on what award you are talking about

I'm of course talking about the Oscars The Gecko is one a lot of BAFTAs I should add The Gecko is the largest film star in England Is that right

And the tiniest At the same time Wow interesting Mr. Huffet The play on words Thank you Yes yes yes We almost worked together

Years ago When I directed When I directed an adaptation Of Nosferrat To the story Of the vampire Certainly yes I am familiar He was the first vampire.

Do you remember auditioning for that film? I did. I went in and I had a note. It was very unusual for me to audition for a film. I'm surprised that you were auditioning. I would not have auditioned for any other vampire, but Nusferotu. So was the role? It was not the director.

It was too good a role to turn down. It was the first of the vampires. You were very gracious to come in and read for me, but it was so long ago. I don't know. Do you remember the scene that we read together? I of course remember the scene. I will never forget the scene. And you are so gracious to step forward.

and read the scene with me. I, of course, remember it as well. Perhaps we should perform it for this. Absolutely. We should certainly do this. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. Fantastic. And they're passing outsides to us so that we can follow along.

Too big. I'm being smothered. They are not reading from them. Okay, very good. We are all looking at the scene. Do you want me to read stage directions? Yes, please. That would be wonderful.

Okay. Can Ho-ho and Michael, do they have any sort of role in this? Yes, if you would like to read along, the various other roles. There are other parts. I believe in the audition, we did not read all of the other parts in the script, but it would be wonderful to bring the scene to life.

What we did was we just paused when those parts were speaking. And you imagined. We imagined. And we did pretty good with the timing of imagining when they would have finished speaking. And we did not establish where the other characters were standing. And so it was interesting because we were looking in different places when the people who were not there were speaking. And it was fascinating to me to think, maybe a vampire sees people in different places

than where they are. Fantastic. Of course, Monsieur Papi will be reading for the role of Nospherato, and I play the lady that is the object of Nosephoratu's desire. Well, I see the character name right here, Claire, is that? Right, Claire. Okay, very good. Who can resist this? All right, I will be reading stage directions.

It was later changed to Lucie Harka. But it started out as Claire. Fascinating. Look behind the process. All right, here we go. I'll read stage directions and we'll just start here at the top of page one, I would imagine. And Michael, you jump in on all the male characters. All right, here we go.

Ah, fade in. Smash cut 2. That's a weird choice. It was very experimental. So it fades in and just how many frames are there until you do a smash cut? A half of a frame. Half of one, half of one frame. You don't even know, I think, what you are fading into, and then it is smashed out.

And he also snuck in that face from the exorcist. Okay, well, that's pretty smart. So you made this film. Yes. Okay, good. It is a film that exists. Eventually, the role went to Klaus Kinski when he held a machete to my neck. Where did you get this machete?

Where did he get it? It was a Christmas gift. Okay, very good. I'm glad to know that that is why I lost the part. Right, physical threat of violence All right, smash cut two, interior, creepy castle, night What am I doing? I don't want to go outside. No, you mustn't.

We have to stay in because it's movie night. Okay, I'm going in a cabinet. Do as you like, my dear, as always, as ever you will. Oh, I'm so lonely in this castle, it's so spooky here. Why does no one attend my movie nights? Hi, well, time to press play. How's it going? Oh, Joseph.

Joseph has two large buckets of popcorn. He gives one to Claire. I wish that you wouldn't just talk like I'm not sitting right next to you. I've come to every movie night for the past three years. I've been very dedicated. I've been, I always RSVP. I've been incredibly civil about it. And this is kind of insulting.

Joseph, let me stop you there. We have been over this. It is unseemly for a popcorn delivery boy to stay at the residence after he's delivered the popcorn. Claire grabs the two buckets of popcorn and sultrally sachets over to the couch, giving Michael, or no, giving Joseph. Joseph. And that's in, by the way, that's in the stage direction. I forgot. We couldn't decide if you should be named Michael or Joseph.

It was strange, yeah. I don't know why we used the earliest draft of the script for this. And why you didn't just back up, you know, there is the backspace key on the. This was back. Everything was written on a typewriter. This is a pre-laptop. Okay. Let me read it again. And gives Michael, oh, I mean, Joseph, a sultry look as if to say, come hither.

Go away. Who could that be? I was just about to press play. Nosferatu skips in. Bonsoir! Bonsoir! It is I, Nospheratu, who has been strickened with famine. What are you doing here? I am a young lady all alone on movie night. You're not alone. I'm in the cabinet.

Please. The unnamed character pokes her and his head out of the cabinet. Who is that? I am here to reclaim my castle. I'm hiding again. The unnamed character pops back into the cabinet. I have spent 500 years chained to a rock in the bottom of the ocean. and now I am

returned to reclaim my cousin? The realtor told us if we spent the night here and we did not die of fright the castle was ours for $100. Michael, I mean Joseph, screams in terror.

Ah. All right. We'll call you. It has been 500 years since I have feasted upon a popcorn delivery boy. His neck is too delicious to resist. May I eat this man?

Please, you are a guest in your own castle. Nospheratu grabs Michael, I mean, Joseph, and crunches down as if it was popcorn itself into the popcorn delivery boy's neck. I will leave him just a little bit alive. The end. Wow, weird. So that movie was only five minutes long?

Yes, that was an early draft. I bet you a million dollars. It's longer than the movie you're shooting tomorrow. I don't think so. I mean, you would not fly me all the way from France, only to be an tiny little movie, yes. I mean, I'm the greatest actor in all right. Were you flown all the way from France, or did you?

Well, I had to fly myself. But undoubtedly, they're going to reimburse you. He was flown by the pilot, though. That is true. You didn't fly the plane. No, I did not fly the plane I have played a pilot though Okay

In what property The Tears of the Moon The Tears of the Moon That sounds like a wonderful piece of content A very sad, sad film One of the saddest films In the history of film What made it so sad

I mean being a pilot must be fun It was no Well I was a pilot Who simply observed the crying of the moon And tried to cheer up the moon Oh my goodness How does one cheer up the moon Sad

Sad, sad, sad, sad film Okay Okay, I'm getting it. It's sad, but what happens in it? It is one of my favorite films. I've seen it countless times. Yes, yes. In the film, it takes place in a time before there was oceans.

Okay. I remember that. The moon name, wait a minute, wait a minute. You remember that, but you were not around for Plato times. Right. Okay, so amazingly, we're getting some confirmation here that Plato was born during the time there were no oceans? Yeah, part of it was like, way B.C. Oh, way B.C.

Way B.C. My favorite network. When dinosaurs were on. Not to the moment. So, very good. So there were no oceans and the moon is so sad that... It was the tears of the moon that made the oceans. And that's why the oceans are controlled by the tides. Yes, that is right, because the moon wants his tears back.

How do women's periods factor into this and the, you know, the moon controlling those? The most logical question. I don't think that the film touched upon that, but I'm sure that women's periods are really the subtext of most films. It's a beautiful movie. I have seen it so many times. I have committed it to memory. Have you? I would love to hear about it. Yes. I would love to hear about it. Yes. I would love to do one of the scenes from the tears of the moon. What a wonderful suggestion that is. Yes, yes. I will play, of course, my role as the pilot. Yes. Do you want to take this from the beginning or from the midpoint? It is up to Mr. Pepey.

I think probably the most powerful scene is the scene when the pilot rolled down the field, roll down the window of the plane and speak to the moon. And is this the beginning? This is, no, this is, well, it's close enough. It's in the first act of the film.

Okay. Very good. And then will you play the moon winner? I shall attempt to play to the best of my ability. Who played the moon in the original film? The moon in the original film was Gerard Debardetardue. Okay, sounds like a good one. Let me just do my phone with a moon.

It was a moon with a... comical nose. My warm-ups. Gooden-tag, gooden-tag. Bonsoir, bonsoir. You guys. All set. Hey, listen, Moon.

Why? Why are you so sad? This is a question I'm often asked, but never by a handsome pilot before. Well, well, I'm here in the sky in the time before the oceans. Are you worried that rolling the window down on the plane will wreak havoc with the atmosphere inside the craft? Luckily, we live in a crazy world, a surreal and crazy world, where nothing is what it seems to be.

Good point. I cry because the earth is so far away. I provide it with light at night and people look up at me and they become so sad because they pine for lost lovers. Or they make wishes that will never come true. Or they think I'm some big blob of cheese. But please, you must be happy. I don't know if you can hear it. I'm crying right now.

That is the sound of your tears. That's right. Extraordinary. The tears of the moon. But I would imagine, oh, excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt you guys. No, it's quite all right. I would imagine that down on earth it would sound like crashing ocean waves

and just incredible tides and destruction and tsunamis. Well, no, in the reality of the film, the moon is as big as you see it from the earth. Oh, really? So it's just as big as ho. Yes. You can put it in your briefcase. Yes.

But please don't. Please don't put the moon in there. Is there some instructions on the back? Please don't. In the film, yes. Yeah, okay, very good. Continue. But anyway, oh, yes.

That's part of it. I am, I do not know if I will survive, but I must fly to you. Fly to you. And then at that point he flies to the moon, tries to, but the plane will not make it. And he crashed, and the only thing that survive him is the oceans. Does he crash on the moon or on the earth? Into the oceans. On the moon or on the earth?

What? On the moon or on the earth? On the earth of the oceans. Okay. And there's a landing in the water that save his life. And so it's a beautiful film. But sad. Sad, yes, of course, for the moon, yes.

They can never be together. They fall in love, but they can never be together because he's too far away the moon. And it is... It's just physical distance, but I bet that it actually is a symbol for the emotional distance between the moon. Absolutely right. You are right about that. And what do you like about this film, Werner? It's very sad, and it's another example of...

I think the part I like about it best is that the moon is disappointed. Me too. What are you disappointed in, Ho-Ho? No, I mean, I like that the moon is. I like when someone's sad and cries. Yeah, I bet. Like a loser. Mm-hmm.

What's the saddest thing you've ever seen, Ho-ho? Well, it happened. It was one of the first things I saw when I was a person. When I was born, I came out of my mom, and my dad was like, hey, you're a dumb whore, and I hate you. I'm leaving. This is your Native American father? Yeah. And he got on Christopher Columbus.

ship and rode off went to England. Oh wait, so he, so Christopher Columbus's ship was going two ways. Yeah, like who's going, who's staying? Come on, show me your ticket. In or out? Yeah, are you in or are you out? It's a shame that many Americans do not know their own history, but when Christopher Columbus landed in America, he said, I'm going back.

Does anyone want to come with? And a bunch of Native American people went over there? Sure, why not? And Michael, is that why so many Native Americans live in England? Well, I'm just wondering, is there a possible? that we could have a common ancestor, ho-ho? Oh, ho. Probably, you look kind of like me.

That is true. We haven't discussed this, but I am three inches high. Yeah. I'm not three inches, but I'm something. I thought it was rude. I thought it was rude to bring up. No, I appreciate that. I mean, you contributed a lot of money to this show, so why, you know, what I comment upon your height.

But, yeah, it is an abnormal height. I liked watching you try to climb on the table. Mm-hmm. You like that. Yeah. Because he failed? Yeah. I did.

I did fail. Thank you. Mm-hmm. I mean, yeah. Are you guys related somehow? I mean, that's kind of interesting. I don't know. Let's go on that show.

Who do you think you are? Yeah, dinosaurs. Not the mama. Maybe our mom was not the mama. Maybe my mom was not the mama, and she was your mama. Get it? We're the same. Okay.

So, I mean, isn't there some way in your work with Santa Claus where you can figure out ancestry of... You can probably put him on the job. Want me to call him? Yeah, definitely. Okay, hold on. He ignored it. Calling Santa Claus? You are calling Santa Claus?

Oh, yeah, Jean-Baud. Father Christmas, Pernoelle. Certainly. Chris Cringle, as a matter of fact. Wait. She, he knows. No, yeah. Hold on.

Yep. It's working. Okay, here we go. What is it now? Hey, be nice. I'm sorry, ho-ho. Coup. Okay, well, now that you've passed it up.

What's going on? It's movie night here. What do you guys watch it? Oh, you know, tears of the moon. Oh, cool. Are you in magic pajamas? Of course we are. Sexy.

It's pretty sexy. I'm surprised you're not watching the Santa Claus. Why would I watch that? I don't know. Why would I ever watch that? Well, is it a thing where you... What if someone made the Scott Ackerman story and you hated the casting? Would you be watching that movie all the time?

Why do you hate the casting? I mean, I think Tim Allen did a fine job in that show. Do you? Okay. Everyone's a critic, I guess. Even Santa Claus. Do you know who I wanted for that part? Who's that? Benicio del Toro. He's an amazing guy.

Jean-Claude, what do you think of Benicio? I don't like Benicio del Toro. I think he relies too much on his accent. What? Who is that? I think it's just an accent. All he uses an accent. Is that Jean-Claude Pappi? Yes, Jean-Claude Pappi. Hello, San de Claus. No toys for you this year.

Why, how come no ties, Santa Claus? I don't like what you're saying about Benicio. I'll take care of him. You'll get something really shitty. Oh, boy, I wish there was something I could do for you. Do you not control this end? Nope. Down comes the hammer.

In your stocking, you're going to get a hammer. You're going to get a hammer, yeah. But it can only hurt people. You can't nail anything with it. A hammer that can only hurt people? Yeah. This sounds like an idea for a wonderful film. Don't steal it.

It does sound very French. The hammer that could only hurt people. Oh, my goodness. I feel Santa like I had a question for you, but if you're running out of time, we can go. What's my history, Santa? Yes, Werner. You have a question for Santa? Go ahead, Werner.

Is Crampa still a thing? Oh, boy. Is that the dance that the inner city kids do? Nope. Are you thinking of crumping? Crumping. Crumping. Oh, okay.

So I'm only slightly less out of touch than you are. That was a close one. But look, I'm a busy guy. Sure. And crunking is a dance form. Is it crunking? There's both. There's both crumping and crunking.

Okay, thank you. Anyway. But what were you asking about, Werner? I was asking about crampus. Yeah, crampus. That was a PR disaster. In Scandinavian countries, he was sort of this devil guy who beat kids with sticks. He's awesome.

I know. He's my God and Jesus. I pray to him. Hey, this is a pretty good connection. for a pastime. It really is your no dropouts. Yeah, it's not bad. Can I ask a question? Sure. What's this elf on the shelf?

Oh, you know it's fake, right? It's your parents. Oh, is it? But you're not our parents. I'm not your parents. Oh, or am I? Oh, wait a minute. Are you? Wait, that's what I want to know. That's what I want to know. That's what I wanted to know. Why did I cut off when he cut out?

Michael, I never got to ask him if you guys are related. Oh, that was the reason you were calling to ask that question. Oh, that's too bad. You know what, we have to take a break. When we come back, we are going to have more ho-ho, more Jean-Claude Pepi, and more Werner Herzog, maybe more Santa Claus, we don't know. And, of course, more Michael Abelson after this. Comedy Bang Bang, bang, we're back here with Jean-Claude Pepi, the France's greatest actor. How do you stack up as opposed to American actors, though?

Are you only good in France, or are you good worldwide? This is a strange question. Do you mean, is my acting only good when I do it on? French soil. No, meaning you may be France's greatest actor, but how are you in the pantheon of actors across the globe? Well, because France has the greatest actors in all the world, I am the greatest actor in all the world, and in all the universe, because who are the actors on other planets that are

any good? I can only think of a few French actors, though. Jacqueline Bessette. You? Jean-Claude Van Damme, if you want to count him. He's Belgian. He's Belgian, yeah. He's Belgian, yeah, so I mean, already we're out.

Gerard Depart D'Ule. Gerard Departu. I mean, we. Bobby Lee? Ami Lee. Audrey tattoo. Bobby Lee? No.

Bobby Lee is French. Is he really? But he can pass. Fuck you guys. You knew what I was saying. Hey, come on, ho-ho. Hello. That was valid.

You were being willfully obtuse. I'm so sorry. And we have Michael Abelson who... He is not a French actor. Oh, I see. You have changed from... A change of thought. A list of French actors

to a list of people who is in the room. I would like to ask Mr. Abelson how many French actors he can... This is a great game. It's okay to repeat. 60 seconds on the clock. Oh, it's okay to repeat. Do we need a theme song for this game?

Of course, be too. Okay, here we go. This is a name. It should not be okay to repeat. We'll call this game Name French actors. All right, here we go. Name French actors. Riddle.

We were born. Born in France. Name French actors Oh very good Sorry to talk over that one Name French actors All right Michael You can repeat

And unlimited time on the clock And go I feel that this game is really Can you name the one French actor Who's sitting in the room And I am not confident Hmm All right

Damn John Claude Who Because We've established that One of the more famous French speaking John Claude We'll have to do jeopardy rules

You have to have the last name I would think that a corporate litigator would be expected to listen and remember things. So by Jeopardy rules, name any French actor, and you can repeat. Well, to be

fair, you can't repeat names that have already been said. You can't just say the same name over. No, that's what I thought you were saying. That's what I thought you were saying. I thought you were saying, he could just sit there and go, Jarrett, Debris. I thought we rack up the points. No, I thought we were all going to go around and you could say the names that have been said before. Oh, that's a less fun game to me.

Hopefully you would be able to add a name for me. I was on. What I'm saying now is more ridiculous than what you thought I was saying? No, it's about, it's less ridiculous if you want to really get into what is more and less ridiculous. But it is still ridiculous because we could do a round of everyone repeating Gerardepardot and then a round of everyone saying, Jean-Durgeon. I'm sorry to interrupt.

Could I just, could I just say, Gerald Depardieu? Okay, Girard Departreux. All right, and now we go to Ho-Ho. I'm playing this? All right. Do you not want to partake? Jacqueline Beset. Jacqueline Beset, Blah.

All right, very good. Werner. Audrey Tattoo. Audrey Tattoo. Bobby Lee. She went out of turn. I'm going to say Jean Valjean. I don't know if that's you.

Do you get credited for that? I think so. All right, in that case, I will say on Spectre Clouseau. Okay, very good. Russell Crow. Russell Crow, very good. Kevin Costner and French Kiss. That wasn't his name.

Klein, maybe, but I'll give you it. I'll give it to you. Steve Martin in the Pink Panther. Okay, very good. Natalie Portman in the Professional. French Stewart. In everything. French Saunders.

Um, we man. Wee man from Jackass. Very good? O-U-I-Man. Um, Victor French. Okay. Highway to Heaven. Very good.

Uh, French toast. French is mustard. French kissing. French kissing. Ooh, la-la. Is French kissing good or bad, Ho-ho? It's good if it's a bad guy. Blah, blah, blah.

Ho-ho? French actor? Hold on. Um, um, um, oh, uh, Keenan Thompson, uh, on all that when he was in the bathtub. What are the chances that this is going to become a regular feature of this podcast? I think zero percent. There's no way of checking. That's the problem here.

Is it no way? All the answers we've said, there's no way of knowing if they're correct or not. Is anybody getting points so far? No, it's very boring game. There's no drama. No stakes. Yeah, no stakes. And finally, Werner.

Am I taking the final turn? You are, yes. And this is for 100 points. What? A flag. A flag! And for 100 points, you're our winner. Man, you were right.

Congratulations. Thank you. All right, very good. That was a great game of how many French actors can you name. He's funny, though, I was never mentioned, strangely enough. Yeah, it is strange. I am a great detective in all France, and I was never mentioned in there, yes. Who's that?

Peppie Lepelle. Oh, how could we forget? Oh, how could we? He smells like shit, and I like it. All right, well, it is time to play maybe a better game, one would consider to be one of our favorites here on the program. It's time to play a little something called Would You Rather? Oh. Yay!

If only intended a theme song, yeah? Oh, if only, but someday we will. Oh, my goodness. Get off your phone. Get off your phones. The Would You Rather theme, yes, it's long, but it's no excuse for you all to be on your phones. Put them down. Please don't talk during the theme.

You're right. You know what? When you're right, you're right. I'll shut up. I like this part. Born in the 50s. All right. Time to play Would You Rather.

We, of course, know how to play this. Michael, you know how to play. What is that? Is Santa calling? Santa? I answered. Oh, yeah. Hey.

Are you guys playing a game? Oh, yeah, we're playing. Would you rather? Oh, can I play too? Oh, I would love for you. Oh, what's your favorite game? Uh, Jacks. I think I say reindeer games.

That's his favorite movie. Boy, that would have been a, I wish I'd said that. Have you seen the movie reindeer games? Ask me how many times? How many times have you... What? Not good? It's all right.

You know, it's watchable. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. How many times you've seen hoop dreams, Santa? Oh, hoop dreams. You know what? It makes me cry every time, but I can't stop watching it. Is your favorite singer Kevin Rudolph?

I don't even know who that is. Little Wayne's guitarist? Oh, Little Wayne's guitarist. Is his favorite singer? He's done for his singing? Well, he sang two solo songs, but I can think of him. Oh, okay. What are those songs?

I'll check them out. Something about like, like, we're going to start it, or something like that. Sure, memorable. Are they on Spotify? We're going to start it. We're going to start it. Rock. Oh, let it rock, or something like that.

Sounds pretty good. Yep. Check it out. You might like it. Okay. I got an iTunes gift card for Christmas. From who? Me.

Wait a minute. You're on the naughty list? Yeah, how about that? Isn't that a shitty gift? That terrible. Is it possible? to make that in your toy workshop a iTunes gift card? We make them, but they're not valid.

I see. But I make a coat. What did you do to get on the naughty list? Or I guess you have been since you were born. Yeah, original sin. Oh my goodness. It's not a good deal. Is it a lot like original sin that's derived from Cain and Able?

I feel like I'm taking up too much of the gun for a second. Wait, Cain and Able. Isn't that the original sin? The first murder? That's right. Well, I guess there's Adam and Eve. That was the original sin. I ate a bite of the...

I don't consider that to be the original thing. That's not as bad as murder. No, I mean, the first one. That's why Santa made up Christmas because he felt so bad about how bad he was. He wanted to make something good of the world. That's why I made up Christmas. Yep.

But listen, you know, God did say specifically, don't eat the apple. He never told anybody not to murder. That was a good point. That's true. That had to be set down in stone sometime later, like, oh, God, guess what, guys? I also don't like that.

Was God sort of like, oh, man, I forgot about the murder. I should have said something. All right, I'm not going to punish you guys. I think he thought it was just understood. Yeah, it should be. Hey, don't murder each other. What if murder was okay? I'd love it.

This is a good screenplay. John Claude, would you like to be in this? A screenplay in which murder was okay? Well, no, it's the guy, the first line is, what if murder was okay? Yeah. And then the second line is, hey, shut up. And then it has a different plot. I don't know what the plot is yet.

Well, keep working on it. Okay, can I contact you when I have something? Absolutely, yes, yes. It's a very intriguing first exchange of dialogue. Oh, boy, I have an actor. I have a director on both. The plot. And I have a...

I have the plot. The plot. You need a plot. Okay. You said it's not going to be about that. Right. So really it's about these puppies. You all learn how to play soccer.

There's nothing in the rule book about that. I know. That's what I mean. Crazy. There's also nothing in the rule book that says puppies can't murder. That's nowhere in the Bible. That's true. Puppies are allowed to do anything they want.

The Bible is just a handbook for human beings, not for animals. That's true. Wow. What have puppies wanted to murder people? Who says they do? Don't. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, Santa.

Have you ever tried to have fun with a puppy and that it's gnawing on your hands? And you're like, hey, take it easy, dude. I just want to pet you. 100% of that is accurate to my life. This is, I think, Santa Claus is on to something. I mean, it's on something. I don't want to bring it back to me, but for the proof that nature hates us. Mm-hmm.

Very good. Good one winner. I like thinking of the Bible is a handbook. I think Penthouse is a handbook, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I do know what you mean. I use my hands when I read that. Yeah, me too. Oh, and tumble, ho-ho.

That never happens. All right. We all know, Michael, you know how to play this, of course. I do. As a fan of the show, would you rather? People send me Would You Rather scenarios to our Twitter, which is at CBBWIR. Only send them there. Please don't send them to my own personal Twitter.

But they can send them to your Twitter. They certainly are able, but it will do them no good because they'll be thrust upon the would-you-rather pot. Well, you never know until you try. Okay, well. You'll read them, right? I mean, I certainly will read them. Yes.

You have no choice for me. And choose whether or not I will say them on this show. Right, right, right. Hey, read this tweet. I just tweeted at you. Oh, wait a minute. What is it? Hold on.

Ho-ho. Oh, ho. I got to follow you. What? Please follow me. Follow me to hell. Do you have a Twitter account, Ho-ho? Oh, yeah.

What is it? Ho-ho elf. Blah. Ho-ho elf, blah. Wow, okay. Fantastic. I'll start following you. Very good. Really? Ho-ho elf bleh.

Yeah. And it's B-L-E-C-H? Yeah, sure. Okay, ho-ho-elf-blah. All right, so I'll read it out loud, and we'll go from there. This comes to us from technically not here, aka at Dedanja. Didanja, something like that. De Danja asks, would you rather be the best surgeon ever, but bees rule the world,

or live in the biggest, most amazing tree house as an immortal, but never leave. Would you rather be the best surgeon ever but bees rule the world? Or live in the biggest, most amazing tree house as an immortal, but never leave? I'm opening the floor for questions. I have a question. Oh, Santa! Yeah. Getting in early.

Well, I like to play. Mm-hmm. In the scenario, what was the first one with the bees? Bees ruled the world. You're just asking for clarification about the question? I'm a true part question. Okay, yeah. First, what is it again?

You're the best surgeon in the world, but bees rule the world. Okay. In that one, are bees benevolent rulers? No, they are not. Oh, follow up. Yes. Am I a good surgeon? You're the best surgeon?

Do you mean good as a person? Are you on the good list? No, I mean, I'm the best surgeon, but am I any good at surgery? No, you're not. Yeah, that's the thing, because I might be the best of a bad lunch. Yeah, but no one is good at it. Oh, no. Oh.

I have a question also about the bees. I understand the bees are not benevolent rulers, but are they, in this scenario, more intelligent than bees are now? You understand what I'm saying? Yes, as a matter of fact. They are exactly as intelligent as they are now, which is hyper-intelligent. But their bodies are now able to vocalize their intelligence. So they have mouths.

They have tiny mouths. Cute. It's kind of cute But then they sting you on your little butt Every day, which is why they're not benevolent I have a question Yes, Ferner Michael opened his mouth of it

You gotta get in I know what I mean? It's on me, it's my fault Okay When they sting you, do they die What kind of bees are they of the bumble variety Are they yellow jackets? They are non-bumble

So yellow jackets Yellow jackets So they are able to sting and then keep living Why do they sting you? just out of pure malice to try to keep you down yes so is are you only receiving the stings of these tyrant bees in in response to some attempt at overthrow of the the world government no every citizen has to line up every single day to receive their stings actually that's more of the bummer is to be waiting in line for five hours waiting for the sting the sting is kind of i hate lines

yeah have you ever been to disineland yes many times how did i say that have ever been dizziland i i read between the lines of your sort of hillbilly expression. Am I performing surgery on humans or on bees? You're performing on bee human hybrids. Yes, the bees have decided to

make a hybrid race of bee human hybrids. Is it a private... You got to get in, Michael. Is it a private practice or is it a sort of Obamacare situation? It's Obamacare. Yeah, that's the worst part about the entire thing. In the B scenario... Yes. Michael, finally in. Thank you. Very good.

I assume it's a monocale. if bees rule the world with a queen B. Is there one ultimate Queen B that is ruling over the entire world? Is it a monarchy or a matriarchy? Well, it's a queen B, so... Whoa, Santa! You getting another call?

And a text, Santa? Your shit's blowing up! Sorry, I left my phone out of the background. Who's calling and texting you so much? That's his burner phone. Tell him who it was. It was... It was crampus. Cranpus is blowing your shit up.

Well, here's the thing. We play Xbox Live, and I kind of put the game on pause, and I just forgot about it the whole time we've been doing this. Sorry, cramps. Poor cramps. Well, he's not a great guy, so don't feel too bad for him. I love him. I know you do, ho-ho.

I do. I like the idea of Santa being around with some bad guy who really, you know, I like that part. I think it's a good idea. Would you play me? a film. I would love to play you in a film, absolutely. The long lineage of Santas, you have Dudley Moore, you have Tim Allen.

Dudley Moore didn't play Santa. He played an elf. Who would cast Dudley Moore as Santa? Come on, man. I don't know. I didn't see it. I'm not sitting there. No, you didn't. I mean, I'm not like you. You probably have a Google alert about your name. So what if I do? Oh, you don't?

How many hits did you have today, Santa? Well, you know what? It's a lot. Yeah, I bet it is. Yeah. A lot of people want to I bet it increases in December though Yeah, I get more news hits in December What's the second part of the question, bro? I forgot. Yeah, it's a monarchy or however...

Oh, no, I mean yours, oh, but you're asking... That was your... Yeah. I'm gonna be polite for once. That was your whole question. That was all you wanted to do. Is it a monarchy? Is there one queen who rules all of the bees?

This is a good question. How is the system of government broken down? Is there one queen who runs everything? And are there regional queens? There's a parliament. Yes. Hot amounts, yeah. Tell us about, Michael, what is the government there in England?

How does that break? I was wondering when you would let me launch you into a discussion of civics. Oh, finally, here we go. And do you consider it a matriarchy or a monarchy? It's a feminist utopia in England. We've got total gender equality there, thanks to the rule of a queen. And have a few. Exactly so.

The bees do wear the wigs on their heads, by the way. Cute. Thank you, McLaren. I have a follow-up question. Yes. Which is, what was the second scenario? That's my question. Oh, okay.

The second scenario is you are immortal. You live in a tree house, but you never leave. That sounds great. How big is the tree house? Great question. It is about the size of the earth. Oh. Are you saying that you have the entire earth to yourself or an entire earth to yourself?

No, it's not to yourself. You have several roommates, everyone on earth. Is the tree house on the earth or is the size of the earth and... It is the size of, it is roughly one millimeter bigger than the earth around the circumference of the earth. It sounds like my life now. Slightly bigger. It is in the trees. That wasn't me.

But the house is in the trees? It's in the trees, yes. You cannot go down to the earth level. No, this is a future where the earth is covered by trees. There's no ocean anymore. Oh, because the moon has not cried. The moon took back their tears. Yes, fascinating, fascinating.

That was my prom theme. Take back your tears. When did you go to prom? Oh, one time. How old were you? 1985. 1985, that's what I went to prom. Cool, maybe I saw you there.

I was in the punch bowl doing backstroke. This tree house, am I the only one who never leaves or do other people go down to this oceanless earth? One person braves to go down into the oceanless earth. Who is this person? This person is Santa Claus. What?

That's right. Santa, like the one we're talking to now? The one we're talking to now, yes. How did I get dragged into this? Well, I mean, there's got to be a Santa Claus on this alternate universe. Well, I can't fault you there. Doesn't there have to be a Santa Claus everywhere? I can't imagine a universe or a parallel dimension where there is no Santa Claus.

There's only one. There's only a Santa Claus on our Earth? No, dumb, dumb. There's only one on that unit. Well, you're not paying attention to what you're even saying. He's been hanging out with me too long, Blas. There's only one alternate universe where there is no Santa Claus. There's only an Earth, too?

What? No. Oh, there's only one. There's an infinite amount of alternate. You're driving me crazy. Santa. Guess what? Ho-ho's going to pay you a visit this year.

Oh, really? She's already paid me two this year. No, but I mean like in your home. Home? It's going to be fucked up. Santa. Why are you cursing to him? Well, you're making me bad.

Well, you are on the naughty list, I guess. If I may. Yes, further. Who is this? So, is Santa Claus? is the, he lives in the tree house. He lives in the tree house. Me and my roommates.

In the North Pole area of the tree house. How many, how many, how many, how many citizens of Earth exist in this scenario? 16 billion. That's a lot of people. That's, yeah. And do we all know each other? Certainly, you've all met each other. Yeah, well, you all have to split, split the utilities and the rent.

Do you have to have awkward house meetings with everyone else on earth? I didn't get an answer to my question. Yeah, but, you know, this is how you play. the game. He jumped in. The son of Abel. I didn't realize part of the game was that you could jump in before the other person got an answer to the question. No one has ever played that way, but that is how we play. If you jump in and ask your own question before an answer, that's good to know. Is the honey really good? See, I have a question. Yes. My same question as before. Who are we paying the rent to? Okay. Well, no one else is jumping. Yeah, amazing. You guys are all being so

polite. I feel as if you're encouraging them to jump in as a breach of ethics. Are we paying the rent to the bees? Do the bees rule the world in both scenarios? Are we inside or outside in the tree house? If it's the whole size of the earth, is it all indoors? Do I have to give Christmas presents to a bunch of goddamn bees? Is anyone else immortal, or do you

watch all of your friends die? Can I give stingers an add-on attachment, make them long and get everyone from far away? Is all organic peanut butter still you have to stir it? Will the questions be it in the order they were given or the order? And I'm closing the floor for questions. Is milk? It's milk there.

It's milk there. It's milk there. Amazing. Wow, you all asked so many questions. I never got to answer any of them. I was really curious. All right, we're going to have to vote. Amazing. I'm going to go over here to Werner Herzog first. How do you like to vote?

How do you like to vote? I like to vote. I like to vote standing up with my eyes closed. Do so then. I have done it. Very good. All right. Would you do it out loud, though, please?

as to further the game on this end. Yes, certainly. I vote for the scenario in which we all live above the trees. Above the trees. Very good in the treehouse, and you're immortal. Even though you watch all of your friends die.

Yes, that idea does not seem entirely unpleasant to me. Really? Well, because I am still living. Okay, so you want to be, the idea of immortality appeals to you, Werner. I feel as if I would watch far more strangers and enemies die than friends, so it all balances out for me.

Okay, very good. And, I mean, your work is already immortal, so why shouldn't the man be? Don't Gishin. Very good. All right. Moving on to Jean-Claude Pepi. Yes, I have a long-standing fantasy

of being ruled by bees anyway. So I will take the tree house, please. Okay. Oh, Sarah? What is going on? I was trying to turn my rigor off, but I... Santa's stone out of his mind doesn't understand what he's doing with that phone.

I didn't realize if the wrigger was off and then you turned up the volume of the wringer, then it would demonstrate that now the volume. Who gave you that phone? Who gives Santa things? Mrs. Claus. Mrs. Claus gives you gifts? Oh, yeah. I'm hard to shop for it, too.

I bet. Do you make everything in there? Yeah. The first few years we were together, she got me a lot of little wooden horses. And I was like, oh, I don't know how to tell you this, honey, but no thanks. Jean-Glaude, you had something. I was just going to ask if you know about the button on the side of the phone. Yeah, you know what?

The most prominent one. I realize my mistake now. Yeah, that's really the easy way to put up the ringer. Okay, you made two points. All right. All right, John Gle. Geez, phone expert over here. So you have a longstanding fantasy of being ruled by B, so you're going to pick the scenario in which you are not ruled by them.

There is nothing worse than having your fantasies come true. Okay, very good. I understand. Michael, how are you voting? I've never really had roommates and it sounds like it would be awkward especially if it's everyone on earth is your roommate. Kind of an odd couple situation.

Exactly. People will constantly be stealing things from the fridge. And what if you want to like put masking tape down the center of the earth? You know, like, oh, this is my side, this is your side. It's the population of the... Damn it! Oh, you're asking quite, I'm afraid I'm going to have to dock you points there. I'm going to have to dock you 5,683 points. It's a fair cop, yeah.

Yeah. So I would not go for the treehouse scenario. By contrast, I'm comfortable with a moniker. and a matriarchy, and so I will go with being ruled by bees. Being ruled by bees, fantastic. All right, so the best surgeon ever. Yeah. As a matter of fact, a terrible one, though.

All right, very good. But there's a bit of a problem because I am the best surgeon ever. Well, yes. Because we're both being ruled by bees. Well, you're occupying a separate, almost identical parallel universes, except the only minor difference is that the sleepy hollow does not exist in them, of course. In either one of these places In either one of these places

Right, right And you mean the book, not the television Yeah, of course the television show does, yes But there's one where I am to be a surgeon And there's another one where you're to be a surgeon And everything else about it means the same Yes, and you... Is that a question? It was not a question, it was not a question!

I'm afraid I'm going to... Oh, Chris, it was a statement. It was a statement, I was very careful. You didn't go up at the end of the sentence, yes. That's precisely right. But I think it may have to do just with your accent. I'm glad we're all over looking the fact that I said Was that a question?

Oh! Boy, I'm going to, you know what? Because you're such a scoffla and such a bad boy with your throwing money around in your leather jacket, I'm going to award you 5,684 points. So, well, all right, you're at one point right now and the rest of you are at zero. It pays, to be honest.

All right, ho, ho. How do you like, how are you voting? I want to vote for... Vote vote. Well, I'm already immortal, and I already live on Earth. So I choose that one because I like my life. All right. So, the tree house.

Yeah. Do you live in a tree house currently? No, I know you sleep on a dollar bill in the North Pole in Santa's vest. But that begs the question, does Santa live in a tree house? Well, I'll never tell you. No. Hey, shut up. All right.

I mean, fun's fun, but I don't live in a tree house, guys. Come on. Okay. I'm sorry to have any kind of as well. I have like a nice big gingerbread type house. Gingerbread type or ginger red? Well, I mean, it's not made out of gingerbread. That's ridiculous.

It looks like it. It freeze to death. It looks like gingerbread. But I can eat it. Big giant candy cane looking thing out in the front. It's very, it's a dog. Oh, come on. I don't know why you could not insulate a gingerbread house, a house that was really made of gingerbread.

With frosting. Cause candy! Hey, dude, it's the North Pole. Santa, you say dude? This is the second time you said it. He's pushing my buttons. All right, uh, Santa, how are you voting? Um, yeah, I think I'm going to go with the, uh, the search.

one because if I'm operating on people and bees and human bee hybrids, like, here's, here's my thing. If somebody could get me a Christmas present, it would be to be able to see inside a human body or an insect body, I just want to cut stuff open. Look at all them guts. You know what I'm saying? All damn guts. Yeah, because you see into the minds and the hearts of young little boys and girls,

but you've never cut any of them open. Yeah, I want to cut people open. I wanted to see what's in there. Just the goop and the gore. And you're all right with the book Sleepy Hollow not existing. Yeah, I'm cool with that. I mean, the TV show exists, right? Yeah.

Okay. You know, they took that mid-season break, and they're finally just back. Oh, thank goodness. Oh, I love it. Yeah. You should appear on it. Oh, Sleepy Hollow? Yeah.

Well. I mean, you've been on Doctor Who. It's a bit off brand for me. That's true. It's not for kids. Yeah, it gets pretty grisly. Yeah, I think it's too. I mean, that's what I like about it.

Yeah, it's TV for. TV. Oh, gosh. All right, well, it looks like, let's see, we have three votes. No, Werner, what did you vote for again? I voted for the treehouse. The treehouse. We have three votes for the bees, two for the trees.

All right, this is a tight, tight game. But it looks like because none of you are awarded any points for your vote, it looks like at one point, Michael Abelson, you are a winner. Congratulations. That's how we play, would you rather? What a bunch of people. bullshit. Santa.

Not fair, not fair. Whatever, bro. Dude and bro? Yeah. Please don't talk during the Woodger-Rother and theme. I've never established that you can't talk during me and theme. Come on. That's a fair point.

Come on, Michael. I just feel like the... The exterior could be gingerbread, you know, even if every other part of it. Junk Claude, get off of it. It's food. It's not going to survive the climate of the North fucking pole. That's absurd where you put things in a refrigerator. You know, I'm to help them survive.

I think the cookies would be fine. I think there's kind of a difference between your fridge at home and the fucking North Pole? And there's no wildlife. But what do I know? I'm just an immortal creature who lives there. There's no wildlife in your fridge to nibble on these walls as well. Good one. Good one, Scott.

Thanks for backing me up. Okay. Yeah, you're welcome. He sounds sarcastic. I'm being sarcastic, yeah. Why are you being so sarcastic? I'm backing you up, you son of a bitch. How much wildlife?

do you think is eating gingerbread at the North Pole? I don't know, a fucking raccoon or something? A raccoon! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! A snow raccoon? Oh, oh, come on. Okay. I would fight you. Why don't you... Why'd you come down here? Oh, I'll fucking fight you. Why don't you get down here right now? Take your goddamn stupid sleigh with your stupid reindeer, dash your dancer and all that. I'll throw up the sash and I'll kick your

fucking ass with it. Okay, make sure you got your nightcap on, because here I come. I'm hanging up right now. Okay. All right. Very good. I can't wait for Saturday to show up. That seems like a mistake. You think so? He's almost here. Ho Ho, ho, does he have special powers of any sort? Yeah. Oh, shit.

Well, the fact that he cannot die will make him fearless in a fight. Oh, no. He has nothing too late. I didn't think about that. He can't even die for murder? He also is very well padded with all of his layers and layers of fat. Oh, I didn't think about this. I wonder if I can get out of this fight.

Oh, shit. Nobody in here. Of course it took him no time at all. Well, well, well. Look at this candy-ass, motherfucker. You want to fight Santa? Is that what I fucking heard over FaceTime? Because I'm ready to go, brosif?

Sissus, Santa. Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, I'm Sisi-San Santa. Sosa, Santa, I think that we had a bad connection. You certainly didn't hear what you thought you heard. Let's see if this is a bad connection. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah, do, Sam, no!

How do you like it? Am I, is this connecting? Am I connecting with you? Sanada, Ho-ho, save me. Oh, oh, yeah, right. Watch this, ha-ya! That's right, Ho-ho, get in there! Jean-Claude, why are you joining in?

Well, it's just that I have this important shoot tomorrow for Geico, and I don't want to get to risk being bruised. Everyone named Jean-Claude likes to fight. At two, Abelson, why are you throwing punches? But listen, if you need a personal injury, Laura, when it's all done, done, I'd be happy to help you out. That's not your field! Die, die!

Die! Die! Die! It does not feel good to just stand here and watch him and be beat to death by Santa Claus on an elf. But I don't see that I have a better option. And an English person, three mythical creatures. Verner, what are you doing? I'm recording all of this.

Is this your next film, like Grizzly Man? Fingers crossed. Oh. God, this is terrible. Had enough? I think I have. Yeah, all right. Remember that next time

It's Ed Sam, I'm sorry Piece of shit See you at home Santa, why did you throw $3 bills down at me on the ground? What am I doing? What am I doing right now? You're touching your...

I'm laying a finger aside of my nose. Goodbye! Yeah, through the door, yeah, thanks, yeah. I love him. I don't feel quite as good about him roaming around in my house at night now that I know that he is so quick violence. I'm not going to be luring him with milk

and cookies any longer. Absolutely not. What a curious interlude. It certainly was, but one for the ages. Well, guys, we just have one thing left to do here on the show, and that's a little something called plugs. Listen everybody to buy more saucer when this guests are here and that's quite awesome.

Off your phones. I want this. Flux, Flugs. Let me hear this. Blubs. I want you to hear them. Big, my dear. I want to hear them.

I want those plugs, books. I can't wait to hear. Let me hear those plugs, books. I am not to hear them. Good at Matthew. It's going to catch your plugs. Ooh, baby. Michael, what do you think of that?

I thought it was excellent. Yeah? Have you ever submitted a plugs theme? I have not. It seems like that would be a cheaper way to get on the show. I am not creatively talented, as I think we've all learned today. You've been fantastic. Oh, thank you very much.

That was, of course, Big Bang Theory coming at you by Leo Volff. Leo Wolf, fantastic. And it's time for plugs, and this is exciting. Of course, we're second week of Marr. And so who do we want to start with? Let's see. Let's start with Jean-Claude Papi.

Thank you. Yes, I have two films coming out this season. I have a drama, a very sad film called Nothing Is Good. And I have a comedy called The Person's Nose. and that is coming out as well. What's the plot of the person's nose? The person's nose? Yes, it's fascinating.

It is told from the point of view of a nose on a person's face. P.O. Yes, everything is shot from the perspective of these nose. So it's almost like the POV of a person, just eyes, because it's not that far removed

from the nose. Is it slightly more down? It's very, very different. You'll have to see in the film. Everyone looking at these nose. You know how you can kind of see your nose if you have a big enough schnaz? Like I do, you can kind of see it through your eyes?

You can see it a little bit, yes. And likewise, the nose can sometimes see the eyes, yes? But this is a film in which it is an extraordinary nose, and everyone is wanting to get right up to it and speak to it and all this, and it's a wonderful, hilarious comedy because

it is about a person's nose. And how are you doing research for this film? For this film, well, I am playing a nose doctor, who is, of course, very involved with the nose. A rhinoplasti and the like. A plastic surgeon, or just a nose doctor, meaning that an E-N-T? Maybe this

is a translation issue because I am playing nose doctor and what do you do for the noses because whatever the nose needs if the nose is injured i will have here in america there's en t's ears nose throat they you don't just cover a nose oh that's ridiculous you cannot expect one person to be an expert in any ear and their nose and a throat okay this is absurd all three different things okay and yet not the eyes or if you count you know not the cheeks not the forehead two ears it doesn't make any sense but anyway i'm playing a nose doctor and so you're not counting the nostrils individually well i guess Okay, six things.

If you count the nostrils as well. Five things. Well, you have the nose. Ear, ear, both ears. Nostral, nostril, nostril, throat. Nostral, nostrils. Six. So you're saying the whole nose, then the individual nostrils.

The two ears and the throat. That's six things right there, my friends. Boom. Shackalaka, laca. I'm glad to find that we are friends. I have a historical epic called the coal stoning about someone who is stoned to death with coal. Okay, very good. And, of course, look out for Geico.

Are you saying the thing you're filming or just look out for Geico? Look out for my epic film, Geico. Very good. All right. Ho-ho, what do you have to play? Wow, you seem to have run out of energy. No. No, no.

No, I didn't. My favorite thing right now is with special guest Lauren Lapkins, it's a podcast. I put it in my ear holes when I'm flying through the TSA, hoping to get caught going on my trips. my knives and guns. And this comes out weekly, I would assume. Every Friday. Yeah. Yeah.

Every fucking week. Every fucking Friday. Very good. And that's all you have to plug? And follow at Lauren Labkus on Twitter. Why not? Blit. I don't give a shit.

All right. Very good. Werner. I would like to promote cement. The concept of cement or the... Not the concepts, but the physical substance that is cement. In its totality across the universe or one particular portion of it? Like a brand.

Sure. Or one place that you've seen? I guess Vicksburg Cement. Okay. It's a good brand. Okay, very good. And I think that you will agree it is, oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting a FaceTime. Oh, great.

Who is this here? Oh, it's a comedian, Paul F. Tompkins. Oh, okay. Paul? Hey. Hey, Paul. Do you guys hear me? Hey, yeah, I haven't seen you in a while.

I know. In a while. In a while. In a while. We have fun jokes. Yeah, we had fun jokes of you. Yeah, that was fun. Do you want to do the canteen a theme?

No, no, thanks. I'll pass. Okay. I would very much enjoy hearing the canteena theme. That's all right, I was honored to fulfill that request for Michael Abelson. Andrew, Andrew Lloyd-Weber. Listen, are you-

It's Michael Abelson. I feel like you're doing plugs, are you? We are doing plug, yeah. You called right at the end of the show. Can I plug my TV show, No, you shut up on the Fusion Network? I've never seen that. I know, because I never got that congratulatory text for my good work. But listen, it's on Fusion Thursdays, Thursday nights,

and if you don't have Fusion, or you miss the show, you can watch it the following week. We post full episodes online. But only on Thursdays. That's right. You post them on Thursdays, and people can only watch on Thursday. New episode. No, they can watch.

Once they're there, they're fucking there. Forever? But they go up on Thursdays. How do they make any money doing that? They don't. Good. They're doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. Good.

So that's No, You Shut Up. You can get it at fusion.net or on YouTube. It's on YouTube. YouTube. Go to my YouTube channel. You'll see a playlist of all the full episode. Well, this is fun. Also, I do a web series called Speak Easy that no one watches.

Called Speakeasy with Paul F. Tompkins. And, boy, if one person would watch it, we would double our viewership. I've heard of a speakeasy show, though. Yeah, the one that Rolling Stone is doing? Yeah. Yeah, fuck there. Fuck you, Rolling Stone. And, and for American Public Public.

television for not checking to see if there was any other thing. To be fair, though, did you copyrighted within recorded media? I mailed it to myself. Okay. I thought that would do it. Anyway. What? You're breaking up.

Paul, you're breaking up. Paul. Sorry, we got to hang up on him. He's gone. Dead? Probably. Okay. So don't bother watching those shows.

All right, very good. Let's see. It would be very ghoulish. watching a corpse You're knowing that he is dead Oh these were the last recorded events before his death You must never listen to these shows Ugh gross

All right I want to plug the Comedy Bang Bang TV show Coming up this week We have a very special episode Zach Alfenakis is on the couch And this is our Very special episode I don't want to tip it for you

But Very special in that it is very serious It's not about jokes and things Someone gets addicted to pills It is our, I will say it's our dream episode. So, enjoy that. Tears for Fears also on the show. Really?

Yes. Friday, 11 p.m. on IFC. Yes, Jean-Claude. I think that's wonderful. Tears for Fears. You have a big Tears for Fears. You got to roll it all the ball together with the other guy. Really? For real? Together with Kurt Smith. Yes, of course. For real.

Is that right? Yes. That's fantastic. I'm going to watch that for sure. Something happens when I'm head over heels. How, how bleh. The original lyrics Every Friday at 11 p.m.

Of course, this is our 10th episode Which means we're going to take a couple weeks in reruns But still watch those And then but watch this Friday This is a This literally is mine in the network's favorite episode That we've done Listen, that's a big deal

You've got tears for fears Okay That's the first thing I have heard all day That I have been impressed with You're a 55 year old man That's fantastic All right And now we've come to our guest of honor

Songs from the big chair. Michael Abelson, this is your chance to plug anything you have going on. Your business, you as a person, your website, your email address, your Tinder profile. Any banks you feel people should be supporting? Or staying away from? I can't imagine that is the case. What do you have to plug? You know what?

I would like to make a plug for the Earwolf engineers because... Oh, they don't deserve that. I'm a huge fan of all the podcasts here. I know they wouldn't get done without a huge amount of behind the scenes work. And so thank you very much to all of you guys. It's very much appreciated. Engineer Cody Cody over here on the ones and twos. Turning up his own mic.

Is that what that was? But not speaking into it. Yeah, you just turned it up and stared at it. Go ahead. Have your day in the sun. Thank you. Oh, boy. Whoa.

That was like two thirds of an Elvis. That was pretty good. Thank you. Thank you very much. And that's all you're plugging? You don't want to plug your... I'll also make a general plug just for the concept of litigation. I would encourage the people of the world...

More lawsuits. Just continue suing each other. If you don't think you've got what's coming to you, sue someone. Very good. Are you on Twitter? I am not. I have registered at Michael Abelson just so no one else can take it, which I think was a wise move. So everyone, Twitter bomb Michael here.

Send him a lot of messages. Let him know he did a good job. And let's close up the old plug bag. What do you say? Closing up the plug bag. Dingo, mingo, mingo. That's a good song. That's a good song. That is a good song. Oh, I guess we didn't have that that song's okay today. Oh, well. But now we have black on top of it. All right, guys, I want to thank you one by one. Verner, thank you so much for being here. I wish you would have jumped in and defended me with Santa.

I felt it was important to capture it on film in case there was litigation, right? Very good, very good. And Ho-ho? Hello? Thanks for coming. I guess we never did figure out exactly what makes you float away.

Wait! Ah, it's gone. Oh, my goodness. What's an unfortunate trigger to have it be the thing you want to happen to her for him? Jean-Clappépé, it's so nice to meet you. It's wonderful to be here.

Thank you so much, boss. Very good. Right to the very end. This was a kid from my children. Don't laugh. Right. In character. Why are you pointing at that? Nothing. All right. That wasn't being laughed at. And Michael Abelson, thank you so much.

It meant a lot to Kulap for you to donate that money. And thank you so much for that. And thank you for being a fan of the show. And thank you for fitting into this so well. It was truly overwhelming to be here. Thank you very much. And thank you for requesting all these people here that are here in the room, even the ones who have left. What are you guys talking about while I'm thanking our guest who paid a lot of goddamn money to be here? What are you mumbling about?

Do I need to come back to live? Oh, Santa, no. All right. Wait, not to me. Maybe to these guys. I'll kick the shit out of every one of you. Okay. All right.

All right. All right. But Michael, Michael, thank you so much. I'm sorry you're on the naughty list. I kind of had a feeling Yeah But where does your life go from here? That's a very good question

And I assume that I'll be a recurring guest So I'll let people know next time That's an open door policy Exactly You know that origin story thing was a scam, right? Yeah, there's no movie I should give you a card, Scott Okay, to defend against all the lawsuits

That'll be impending All right Well guys, thank you so much This is a fun show, show show And we'll see you next time On podcast, no, we'll see you next time. Thanks, everyone. Bye.