Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Jack Quaid, Lily Sullivan, Carl Tart (I Love Lily)

Episode Date: July 31, 2025

This week's Bonus Bang is the fourth in our "I Love Lily" series titled "Love, Bridge". Award nominated actor Jack Quaid joins Scott to talk about his animated character from Star Trek: Lower Decks being live action in the new season of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, how a Facebook video he made at 15 appeared in a Scream movie, and the Transformers universe. Then, author Bridget Jones returns to read new entries from her diary. Later, TV host The Crypt Keeper stops by to talk about his audition for Tales from the Crypt. Plus, the ghost of musician Dr. John returns in search of a lawyer for a big case. (Originally released as episode #816 on 6/11/2023) Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of comedy bang, bang, bang out from behind the paywall. And this week, we are releasing another episode in our series. We're in the middle of this series called I Love Lily. I Love Lily. Now, this features the wonderful Lily Sullivan. Shout out to Lily Sullivan and her merry band of characters. And this is an episode called Love Bridge. It was originally released as episode number 816 on June 11, 2023, a little over two years ago.

It features Jack Quaid, Hollywood's Good Boy, as the A-Block guest, Carl Tart as the Cryptkeeper, and, of course, Lily, with her beloved character, Bridget Jones. That's right, Bridget Jones from the Diary movies. Now, in this episode, Bridget is angry about something, and she's been working on something else. I don't want to spoil it, but that's what's happening. Now, if you want to hear other great episodes, because you're enjoying this one so much of Comedy Bang Bang, here's what you need to do. You just become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show that we've ever done, add-free new episodes, ad-free old episodes, original shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen so much over there.

We're going to be back Monday with the new episode of Comedy Bang-Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. The quick bang bang, comedy bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang. The quick brown, brown, fox jumped over the lazy dog. What a prick. Welcome to Comedy bang bang bang. Thank you to Big Dirty Bob for that cashphrase submission. Big Dirty Bob. Taking a break from rolling around in the mud, getting his catchphrase submissions out there. Welcome to the show.

My name is Scott Ackerman. We have a great show coming up a little later. We have an author. We also have a TV host. We also have a famous musician. Wow, this is a packed show if you are into the arts. And I wanted to say, by the way, I neglected to mention last week. It is grads and dad's season.

moms and proms, get the fuck out of here, dads and grads. But at the end of June, you know, I used to say at the end of June, get the fuck out of here. But now that I'm a dad, I wish we were celebrated all year. Oh, okay, I'm going to compose myself because we need to get to our first guest. He is an award-winning actor, I'm assuming. No, not at all. Nominated? I think, yeah, yeah.

Like, it must be for a Nickelodeon thing or something. It was close. What was it? Kids Choice Award. They'll give awards to anything. MTV music, not music video. What's the other one? MTV Award.

Movie Award for Best TV Hero? Best villain. Not to give spoilers for the last scream, but villain of the last screen. It was for, it was a nomination for villain of the last screen movie. So it goes, he went to you for the last. Yeah. And then the one that came out afterwards, it goes to Dermit Mulroon. You spoilers for the very last one.

Yes. Are you, and I'll introduce you in a second. Yeah, yeah. Are you still in the screamaverse? I mean, you were killed at the end of that one. Like, but everyone who's killed comes back, right? Yeah. The Fast and Furious averse.

Well, it was actually interesting. I got to at the end of, again, spoilers for the most recent screen. Jack Quaid is here. I'm here. Hi, this is me. This is me Jack Quaid. I did this little thing at the end of that movie. There's like a video of me, like, on a big projection screen.

It always fascinates me when the villains of, these things have time to set up big projection screens. Oh yeah. They always do. And they always like, you know, it's like, oh, he's dead. But then you hear the big projector start up. And it's like, it's like how, I mean, these guys should just go around. They should be AV guys like for celebrities. Well, if you're a ghost face, that means that like your ghost goes into the face of a projector. Oh, this makes sense now. Yeah. Yeah. See, it all comes back around. But like I made this, well, I did it. I made it when I was like 15. It was like a Facebook. video that I sent to my friend

and I gave it to the directors and they just repurposed it for like a serial killers video. Wait a minute, you made a video pretending you were in Scream when you were 15? No, no, no. It was like a video, I just made dumb movies as a kid like just dumb, dumb movies and this was a thing I probably

like posted on my friend's wall back when Facebook was like not a thing used for sharing political beliefs. For arguing with each other. Yeah, just arguing with each other. This was basically just, remember the time like back and Facebook where you were just like, hey man, and you just said, you sent that and that just went to your friend's wall. Not everybody saw it. I guess they could if they went under the wall, but it's

But why would you ever go on someone's wall? Why would I? I don't have a Facebook profile, so I don't know these things. Man, I haven't used mine in forever, but I technically still have one. I'm afraid that if I delete it, then my Instagram will also get deleted because I think they're linked. I believe they're linked. And I I know that I got an Oculus for Christmas about a year and a half, approximately one and one half years ago. Okay. Does the timing of that check out? I really need you to be specific. Christmas is a holiday traditionally celebrated on December the 25th.

Oh. If that gives you any sort of clue of when this was. I mean, sort of. But I got an Oculus and I turned it on and it said, by the way, in three months, to have this Oculus to use it, you must have a Facebook account. I said, I'm out. Yeah. Expensive gift to receive to just be like, well, I guess I can't use this anymore. That's such a strange thing.

Does it just shout political beliefs at you? Yes, exactly. It doesn't. Just argues with you about the election. Do you think we'll ever wear these big wonky headsets ever? What ones that Google just announced? Yeah, they get, or Apple just made these. They keep trying to get us to wear these.

No. No. No, I don't want it to look like I'm going skiing all the time. Just some of the time. Just some of the time. I want like to general. Just you're going down a black diamond. You know, some people have like,

like a general surfer vibe, but they don't actually surf. Some people have a general skiing vibe, but don't actually ski. That's me because, you know, ever since I moved back here to California, I surf in the morning and I ski at night. And you can do both in the same day. You can do it both in the same day. And it's not. It's a god.

I go surfing in the morning at about five to maybe eight a.m. Yeah. And then a six hour drive. Six hour drive to the mountains. Every single day. Ski for about 45 minutes. Drive back home for about five hours. I love it.

I'm from here and every time. time I hear that like you can go hiking and surfing the same day. Every time I hear that I go like it sounds like my worst nightmare. What lunatic? What lunatic does that? Also, you got to stop to eat at some point. Yeah, really. I don't even like to go hiking and nothing else during the same day. Oh yeah. No, no, no. I like to go hiking and then I just kind of pass out at the top. I don't even come down. Yeah, exactly. Get airlifted down. So you made this video. I made this video years later. It was in a scream movie. And that was... Was it you acting like a killer?

No, it was literally just me talking to the camera, like doing my best to be funny and I know I wasn't. It was me being like, hey, guys, I talked in this weird, almost Cartman-esque. Like affectation? Yeah, I was like, hey, guys, what's going on? And I'm just like making like a dumb ass, like, video to camera. It's so embarrassing.

And now it's in a movie that was like at one point number one at the box office. I love it. So that's fun. And the worst part of the story, you gave it to them. Yeah. They didn't steal it. They asked for it and I was like, yeah.

They asked me, how did they know of its existence? Do you have any home movies that we could kind of use as like, you know, Richie, your character making a fan film as a kid? I was like,

I have all of them. And this is why we're going on strike. Yeah, this is why. Because of my movie because you're a movie because it's like, they don't have the balls

to write their own movie. So they're like, do you have any home movies that we can use and make our movie? Get the fuck out of here. Come on, man. And even back then I was like, I better be getting paid.

paid for this. Yeah. I mean, I was like, I better be getting residuals on this Facebook video on my friend Dylan's wall. What if you got a residual for it when you were that age and you were like, what is this for? And then you found out years later. I'm going to be ghost face. What is ghost face? I'm going to be a ghost in the face of a projector. That's insane. Are you ever going to be in the Fast and Furious movies? I would love to. I would love to be in the Fast and Furious movies. Here's what I wonder. But you know, it's funny. I did get a residual check for the Fast and Furious movies from the future yesterday. So that means I'm going to be in it. Yeah. They have these Transformers movies where they're all turning into cars. Yeah. What if Vin Diesel were to drive a transformer?

I mean, I would love that. Whoa. I think he'd be crushed by the, I mean, it must crunch up a human real bad. Yeah. If it transforms the human inside, right? But then a human gets inside and it goes, and just everyone is just decapitated.

Exactly. Also, I was thinking about this the other day. I have a legitimate Transformers question, like a lore question. I don't believe I can answer because I have maybe seen the first one. Well, as of now, you're the only person in this room. Okay, that's good.

I'm the perfect person as this. You're very qualified. So the Transformers are aliens theoretically, right? They're like robot aliens from another planet. Yeah, they're looking for the AllSpark, I think. Yeah, they're looking for the, something about an AllSpark. Optimum Prime. Optimum.

Et cetera. Optimus Prius. It's great. Oh, that would be so funny if you were to turn into a Prius. With that voice. And he'd be like, hello, what do you think of my new bod? This is my new dad bod. The electric mode doesn't work so well

On me It seems like it might work But it won't work You know the hum that they make when they drive That's artificial So that people will not get run over by them Yeah As far as I'm concerned

It could be louder Because Priuses are always sneaking up on me And I'm like Yeah yeah This little sneaky Priuses Like I think Priuses should be like That's funny because I think Prius should be like Hey

I'm driving I'm driving Cravy, Optimus Prius. Wow. Wow. We just lost half of the audience, I think. So what's your question about? Oh, yeah, sorry.

Regarding the Transformers. On their planet, right? So they can either be a robot version of themselves or like a car version of themselves. So Bumblebee on his planet, is he just, he can. What does he identify as an attack helicopter? Is that what you're trying to say? But he can just turn into a Dodge Charger on his alien planet? And how do they know what Dodge Chargers are?

Exactly. It's like an American on planet Earth branded car that exists somewhere out in the cosmos. It makes no sense to make. I like to think that they didn't know they could be transformers until they got to Earth. And they saw a car and they were like, man, I wish I could be one of those. And so they're just like, oh my God, I can just be that car. It's like puberty. Like arriving to Earth is puberty for them.

Okay. So then can they transform into any car that they see? Can they like scan it? The first car they see. It's just the first car. What if during puberty You just had sex with the first woman you saw And that was it for the rest of your life

And that was it That was it. And for the rest of the life You could only have sex with that woman I would prefer That'd be great That would solve a lot of problems I think that would be amazing No but they all just happened to find

Like really cool cars first thing Yeah although is Earth is covered in cars Isn't bumblebee is he a beetle He's a Or is he? Because beetle starts with B Yeah, so that makes sense. That makes sense.

Yeah, he's a beetle. And the sound he makes when he transforms is, Huckerm! Um, Jack, you, uh, you're not only in the scream of verse. You, uh, last time you were here, you were here because not to promote the season premiere nor the season finale of the show, The Boys. I think I just wandered in, really. You were, you were doing a mid-show check-in.

I was doing a mid-season check-in. Yes, there's a mid-season check-in. And I think it went quite well. I think everyone felt heard and that. particular episode, the ratings were through the roof. Oh, man. Everyone's like, he's got our backs. He's checking in. And now you're back to promote a trailer. Yeah, I'm back to promote a trailer for a TV show that you're not in.

Yeah. You're in one episode. I'm in an episode of a television show. And you're here to promote it. I'm here to promote it. So typically I'm here with Tony Newsom. She is not here with me today, but we are both in it. We're in an animated Star Trek show called StarToon cartoon. Star Tartoon cartoon. Yeah. Star Trek Tiny Desk concert. Star Trek Tiny Desk. And we play characters in that and they let us...

You just pointed at your body for some reason. Why was it? And I play a character. And I play a character. I want you to know that when I'm talking about a character that I play, that my body is inhabiting that character. I mean, these days with AI, it's like you want to make sure like... And that's why we're striking.

This is why we're striking. It's human performance. That's right. I play a character. I know no one can see me. but just I like to think that they can hear it in your emphasis. Oh, yeah. Listen to the gesture.

Yes. So you both play animated characters in this Star Trek show, which leads me to wonder, do they know they're animated? I don't think they do. Do they ever see the person with the pencil and drawing them? I think if they did, it would destroy them mentally. And I don't want that for them. Okay, good, yeah.

But I think we should do on that animated show. Scrartoon, Flartoon. Yes. We should do like an episode where they like meet their maker

and it's just like the showrunner Mike McMahon and he's just like or Gene Roddenberry or Gene Roddenberry back. Yeah, yeah.

Again though, it's got to be a person. It can't be AI. This is why we're driving. Oh, that's right. That's right. Can't be.

We can't bring him back. So you play an animated character and Tani is the, she's not the captain of the ship because her mother's the captain. She's an ensign. We're both ensigns.

We're both on the lower decks. You play a guy named Jeff? Who is this guy again? I think every time I've been here, you've said the name of the character incorrectly. What have I said before? You've said, you said, you said, I think you said blimer. I think you said, it sounds like, is onion head, slime. Yeah, so my name is onion head slimer. Ensign. It's an onion head, okay is slimer. And yeah, just a lowly ensign. And somehow we're going to the Captain Pike and Spock era. of like 2260. We're going back,

we're going back, and we're going into live action, and, uh, because you're, you're, you're set in the, in 22,

was it 2380? 2380 and then, if Tony was here, she'd be like, yeah, she knows all this kind of stuff. But, uh,

because, because the, the current Star Trek shows that are on, no, that's, it's all different. It's all different timelines.

Anyway, but you're in the future. You go, you go back in time. Well, I don't even want to say, you can't talk about it. You don't know.

It could be holode, could be dimensions. But I've seen you in this trailer. You're in approximately three little bits of it. Three seconds of it. Three seconds of it. And you're here to promote it. I'm here to promote the trailer.

It's a great trailer. It's been on YouTube for quite a bit. How many views? Check out this trailer. Oh, man. Do we want to look it up? Do we want to look it up? Check it out.

Let's check it out. Let's look it up. Star Trek Strange New World Season 2 trailer. How we doing, Scott? How are we doing? Okay, let's see Oh man, we're just playing the trailer Yeah

It's amazing Oh, uh, no Oh, 4.4 million Oh shit That's way more than I thought it was gonna be It's not bad Okay You're at the end, let me skip to the end

Oh God Do I have to hear myself? Yeah, here we go Oh, here we go Oh, here we go Live long and prosper Mr. Wartler Hi, you also live and

How'd you also live and See, that was me and this is me. Oh, I get this now. I understand. You got a gesture. So Tani was saying that you're in the energizer room and you did a bunch of takes, right? And that was, yeah, there was one take where I said, he says, live long and prosper, Mr.

Boimler. And I said, live, yeah, you live, live all the time. And that was actually my favorite. I wish I kept that one in. But I'm very happy that Tani is spreading the world. word. You might have looked into the camera on that. I think I might have.

Just to completely screw myself. I might have. Have you ever done that? Has anyone early, because you've been an actor, you were goofing around with your friends when you were in high school, but then you became an actor pretty young. Did anyone ever take you aside and say, Jack, you're looking into the camera all the time?

I'm sure they wanted to, because I'm pretty sure. I got, like, scared of the camera. This is real. Like, in the very beginning of my career, I would, like, look anywhere about the camera, but you have to be looking slightly towards it, or else no one knows you're in the, you might get hit with it. You might get hit with it. It's scary. It's big, it's heavy. It might be a monster. It might be a lot. And here's the thing. I've never really checked if it is a monster or not. That's right. We're not allowed to touch them. So they could be

living sentient monsters. They could be living sentient monsters that steal your soul if you looked into them. They talk about their, they're like union rules. You can't touch the camera. I bet they're alive. I bet they're alive. I bet they're alive. I bet if you opened them up, you'd see some guts. You see some guts. Man, I'd love to be all up in those guts. I'd love to be all up in them guts. I mean, that's what every film student says. I want to be up in them camera guts.

So this is, when, I mean, what's going on with this? What's going, what's going, what's going on with the show? I mean, when is it? What's happening? So, what can you tell us? Oh, man, with the, with the trailer? Yeah. Yeah, it's it, the show, the show is on, I think,

this week or something, right? Yeah, the premieres really soon. Yeah. I know that we're not the first episode. I think we're one of the last. So I'm trying not to spoil most things. But this is very exciting because we love your other show. It's very fun. And

this is our first opportunity, I guess, to see you in live action form as these characters. Do you ever think, like, because the original Star Trek was a cartoon and it was live action,

it started as live action, then it became a cartoon. Yes, it did have the animated series. Sorry, I thought you were like, it was a Roger Rabbit blend. We all know this. McCoy was CGI. We all remember Spock's famous line, Damn tunes. But did you ever think that, you know,

okay, we'll do the cartoon for a little while, but then we get to do the live action version of it? I honestly never thought this would be a possibility. And that was such an interesting challenge to be a live action cartoon. Because you have like purple hair in the... In the regular one, right? In the animated show, I have purple hair.

And I have a purple, I'm wearing a purple wig in the live action. Yeah, it's like subtle. It's like a darker purple because we didn't want it to, it looks kind of, we had a lighter purple wig, but it just looked like I was an anime character come to life and it didn't really quite work. I've always thought that about you. Yeah, yeah. I'm an anime character come to life.

I'm always going, huh? I'm always doing that. That's the sound my Tesla makes when it boots up. Uh-huh. But, um, no, it was, it was crazy. The weirdest part, though, was when I didn't have the wig on and so my eyebrows, they had the kind of color purple every day. And the weirdest thing was, yeah.

Yes. That is a film and a play. Is it a play as well? It's a play. And now it's going to be a film adaptation of that play. Yet again. Coming this Christmas. Fantastic.

Um, but the weirdest part was like, starring Fantasia Burino. You know a lot about this upcoming color purple. I'm looking forward to it too. That's amazing. No, just having my purple eyebrows with my normal hair, I just looked like got, I looked like goth me. And it was just, I wasn't used to say,

I don't feel like I give up a, give off a goth. Do you think if they, if they knew that you were going to do this live action episode, would they have reconsidered the whole purple part of it and just had it look just like you? Because Tani looks kind of very similar to herself. Yeah. Her animated character.

Yeah, but she doesn't wear rolled up sleeves a lot in real life. So they really had it. Oh, that's a big difference. Yeah, that's a huge difference. That was huge. That was like a big change for her. She felt a little weird about it. So really?

So filming the live action one, she had exposed four arms. I mean, it was like, it was hours in that makeup chair just getting those sleeves to roll up. It was insane. In the makeup chair. In the makeup chair. Yeah. Were they trying to paint over them with? It was just, well, that's actually technically part of her skin that she had to painstakingly

roll up every day. Maybe she's a transformer. She's a transformer. She's like mystique. Like where, like, she's wearing clothes, but it's all just skin. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

It's a skinclothes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is exciting. The trailer's out now, 4.4 million views. Let's make it 4.41. Yeah, let's get it.

The CBB bumps, baby. Let's do it. Looking forward to this. We need to go to our next guest. Jack Quaid is with us. Yeah, I am. She is an author. She's been on the show before.

Please welcome back to the show, Bridget Jones. What's up? Hey. How you doing? Hello. Hey. So good to meet you. Great to meet you.

Big fan. Jack Quaid. Thank you. Yes. Bridget Jones. We're both mad famous. Yeah. Oh, man.

I don't know if I'm as famous as you. You're pretty damn famous. I'm pretty famous. Yeah. I'm like mad, well known. Yeah. Pretty mad, well known. You're known for your, you're a diarist.

Yeah. You have famous. Are you famous or your diaries famous? I'm not quite sure. Yeah. Because the movie title is Bridget Jones. I'm like, oh, I'm going to get to. And then it's Bridget Jones's diary.

I'm like, what? I'm going to watch a movie about a book? Yeah. You are. And it's going to be mad good. The camera's just like focused on a book that doesn't move for two hours. It's like, what's going on? Okay, yeah.

Well, actually, my story is pretty apt to the Hollywood, all the stuff happening in Hollywood right now. Oh, yeah. How so? Well, basically, they took me diary, these Hollywood execs. And they made the movie with Zell Wiggas Renee and Hoggunk and Colin Fart. And they made mad money. and they left me with fucking nothing.

So now, 20-something years later, I'm trying to get me new diary into, be made into a movie. It perfectly encapsulates your previous appearances. Yeah, okay. Good. I enjoy that. I love to do a good start.

Because a lot of people come back on the show and they don't remember, you know, they just barrel right through, and we don't remind people enough of what they're doing here. So yes, you were taken advantage of by the Hollywood system. You're now writing new diaries trying to...

New entries every day. That's right. How many entries per diary is it? How many? Oh, two, three. Just two or three. Okay. I go through them so quick.

That's like a... So wait, are you telling me that... Because like a diary is like a lot of pages. Yeah. You're saying that you only go through... What is one entry? Like, how many pages is one entry? One...

You know, it's paragraph, something like that. Okay, so you filled up like probably max three pages. Three pages with three total paragraphs. And then I keep it in a little box, in a little tiny cupboard. Why not right into the other 180 or so pages? Don't worry about it. I have my own system. Okay.

This is how I keep flowing. This is like a filing system. Okay. Because I can only imagine like a new, that new diary smell. Oh, that new diary smell. Oh, we smell so good. It just must give you inspiration to keep going. Absolutely.

Yeah. It just flows out to me really. Like every day and just pouring those morning pages. Did you read the eye? artist way. The artist's way? No, I have, no, no, I've not. My girlfriend's currently reading it, and I've gotten some of it. Your current girlfriend is currently...

She currently reading. Good for her, yeah. So currently she's reading right now. As we speak, she keeps texting and we're still reading. That's awesome. People don't read enough these days. Everybody watches a telly, watches, you know, Netflix. By the way, the comedy banging book in stores now. And you, what about the artist's way? they talk about morning pages.

Every day you write their morning pages. Right. The morning pages. Three pages it says. Get it all out. Get all that insecurities out your body. Then you're mad ready to create. Okay. I tried the morning pages for like a second. And I realized that I was doing it on my notes, like app.

And there were just apologies for stuff you did the day before? Yeah, it's just, I'm so sorry. So sorry. I was so awkward. I was so awkward to me. Are you mad at me? I'm not. Oh, sorry.

That seems so honest. I was like, I'm not. out of you. I was afraid of God. No, but there's no page. There's no line that separates the pages. So I was just like, I was going forever. That's the problem that the old Egyptians had with the scrolls.

They were just like keep going and going and going like, where does this ending? When does this end? So long wounded. Yeah. But this is not a problem for Bridget Jones. You have new diaries. And in your previous appearances, you have read some of the diary entries. Are you here to do that again? Yeah, I'm trying to get the

word out. You know, I'm here in L.A. temporarily going to the writer's strike, hanging out, making connections. It seems like everyone's doing it. It seems like a lot of the actors and people going to these strikes is very performative. I've met mad people. It's like they know Bob Odenkirk is going to be out there. I saw him, yeah. Who else did I see?

I saw Lauren Mapkis. I saw. I saw Vic. I saw Susie Barrett. You're just looking at names on the table right now. I saw Casey Faye. Okay. I saw Betsy Cedarro.

I saw mad people there making mad friends. Oh, man. But obviously, I need to pay the bills. So I've been working odd jobs in between, too, you know, in Britain here, in Los Angeles. Two places. What are you, what are the odd jobs that you've been working? How odd? So odd.

I work for Love Island for a bit. Oh, wow. We're obviously not a contestant, but what? Obviously. What are you talking about? Just aesthetically, I mean. What are you talking about right now? It seems like every time women on you, you make a mad, ugly.

And small, ugly and small. Just certain women. Yeah, you always bring it up. There's one thing I've learned as a man. Never say you're obviously not a contestant. Does he have a comment on your appearance when you are on you? All the time, but off mic. Off mic.

I usually try to neg him before he gets on the show. Really take him down. As I was parking, he texted me your outfit fucking sucks. You are wearing a lot of. I'm wearing a very bright, obnoxious pink Gorillas. I like it. It's Barbie pink,

but it's for the band Gorillas. Yeah, exactly. It's Barbie. Wow. I like it. I didn't know they were Barbies. That's awesome. You didn't know there were Barbies?

No, I didn't know Gorillas was Barbies. I mean, it might as well be. Is it Jack? Is it because you're on a cartoon, you only like things that are cartoons? Because gorillas are the only band that are cartoons. Yeah, yeah.

That's the deal you make when you sign the contract. Interesting. You can only like animated things. So are you going to, Oh yeah, you're on Love Island? What are you doing? Why, I'm changing the sheets. You're changing the sheets.

The sheets get so dirty on the show. They get fucking filthy. What's the most traditional cause of the filthy sheets? Come. I didn't want to guess, but yeah. Crunchy sheets. Mad hard. But also, you know, like Drew.

Jew? What? I'm sorry. What did you say? Drewo. Drewel. Drewel. Drewel.

Oh, Drew. Oh, okay. Got, I got, I got. Okay. You think I said Jew? I thought you said Jew. I did not know why. You're trying to get me canceled.

I mean, I did come here to get you canceled. Typical of a man like both of you. Yeah. That is true. I work for Big Ben. You worked for Big Ben. The clock. The tiny man in the clock.

Oh, wow. I was just in the UK. I didn't realize that there was a tiny man in that clock. Yeah. Oh, is that he's Big Ben? Big Ben is a tiny guy in the clock. Oh, it's an ironic name. Yes.

Oh, what is he doing there? He winds it up and let's go. Is it like lost where it's every, what is it, 49 minutes or something? Yeah, something like that. Do you read that article about him recently? I was lost. Yeah. Oh, how it was like a terrible set to work on?

I haven't been reading. I've been writing. You've been writing, yes. When you're a writer, you can't read. Do you ever read what you've, just written? Or do you avoid that? No, I don't even know.

Like, I brought entries today. I haven't even read them since I, you know, it just flows out. Do we want to get to these diaries? Oh my God, I want to. Let's pull them up, yeah? Let me open me diary. Open my diary. Oh, these pages.

Oh, so many. So many pages. There's so much wind in here. My hair is flown back. That's a twister. It's an L.A. twister. Okay, ready? I would love to see you in the sequel to Twister.

Have you auditioned for that yet? I auditioned to be the tornado. Yeah? How did they go? I didn't go great. I went with a weird noise. Oh, which noise? It was, um,

wah, wow, wow, wow, yeah, I know. It was a typical Swiss. Sounds like a Prius backing up.

Yeah, it was just like the Prius. Everyone's going to come in there and go, I know, I want to do something different. You need an OG take. Yeah, yeah. What would yours be?

What would your take on the tornado be? Ooh, I like that's like a happy tornado. I like that. Hoopty-do. What about you? What is your time? What is your time? But you don't want me to keep talking to you, okay?

I guess I'll be reading it. I was trying to fill up time, and then you turned it into a segment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, here we go. Okay, dear darling, ask me, Bridget Jones. It was a typical English morning, woke up to the sounds of rats screaming. Got myself a new job at the local swimming holy. War myself a tiny keeney and showed off me cleavey bea.

when all of a sudden a kid be choking on Roa like a little fucking bitch He was dying on me Just like Princess Diana Then et et me Clearly this kid was obsessed with me And wanted to plug me poopie Puggy But then again

He wouldn't love bitch Yeah, okay So you save someone's life Because we never got to that part of it You just were observing the person made some assumptions about them. Well, somebody else was there giving him Heimlich or whatever. Got it. Saving his life and all that.

But in the meantime, I'm like, wow, he was really trying to get me attention. Oh, wow. Mr. Heimlich in his famous maneuver. The sign-off was very nice for, you know, it was great. Oh, thank you. It's just like, it's a pretty harrowing story. And then, like, you know, love, love Bridget. Yeah, love bridge.

Yeah, love bridge. Like, to the point, like, I'm not trying to dance around it, you know. And you're saying that was just a paragraph. That was, yeah, that was just, if you could believe it, it felt like 20 pages. I mean, I thought you were wasting moleskins earlier, but this is, this is good. This is good. No, those are mad expensive. We'd never waste.

Do you have a second entry that you can? Yeah, you want me to keep going? Yeah, I'd love for you to keep going. Wow. For approximately one more until we take a break. I love being positive with you. Yeah, I love it. Did I, it's me.

COVID-Pos. It was a typical English morning. woke up to the sounds of pigs fucking. Got myself a new job at the local pub, wiping up spilly drinkies with me proppy ditties. When all of a sudden, a man be having a heart attack like a little fucking asshole. He was dying on me, just like the queen dead when she died. Then ate me.

Clearly this man was obsessed with me and wanted to peeky me blinders and dunk me chunky dogs. Then again, who wouldn't love the bridge. Hmm, very, very similar structure, yeah. But you mean similar structure? It's almost like a plug-in-the-gaps kind of. I have a question. Yeah.

What does a-et-me mean? Then it at me. It hit me. Oh, okay, okay. It's the dialect. You're from... From English. Oh, right, yes.

Oh, yeah. Well, these are great. these are fascinating. I mean, two distinct scenes in a movie. I mean, I bet you would love to play a character like this, Jack. Yeah, who would you love to play? The fucking bitch that died

or the little kid that almost died. Oh, man. Can I still pull off a little kid? You could still do it. You think? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like the little kid spoke more to me. I don't know why I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. I could inhabit that gesture, character. Yeah, I think that's good. You know, we could do something, too,

where everyone else in the cast wears like platform shoes. Yeah, oh, like a Clifford situation. Yeah, they look mad tall around you. Yeah, it could be set in the 70s, so everyone's like, oh, the platform shoes. Oh, my God, then I can have my sideburns. You ever seen this Shakespeare play set in the 70s?

Oh, man, I would love that. So good. Which one would fit best in the 70s? Measure for measure, absolutely. I bet I know someone who's in that. I bet I did too. It's funny, they do so much blow in measure for measure. Oh, yeah, the nuns.

The nuns love blow. They love blow. Bridget, I want to hear more from this, but we need to take a break. We're coming at the edge of a break. So do you have, but you have some more entries? I have more, yeah. Okay, great. We're going to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have more with Jack Quaid. We're going to have more with Bridget Jones. We also have a TV host and a famous musician. This is a pack show. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang! We're back, Jack Quaid. in three seconds of a trailer

for Star Trek Strange New Worlds which is out this week except his episode is not. My episode is not, the show is out yeah. I think my episode's like one of the last ones. So this is like an early... So you're suggesting people do not watch yet. I say just don't watch it. Just don't watch it. You've already

basically heard me talk about it. We did. The trailer's got a 4.4 million views. Soon to be a 4.5. Do you think 4.4 million people watch the episodes? Is that weird? Yeah, when the trailers get so many views and then like 13 people watch the thing. You can keep watching them and watch them and watching those trailers, you know. But the show, I don't know, just having an episode on a loop.

Well, shows are too long. You know what I mean? Too long. Like shows should be trailers and trailers should be TikToks. And TikToks shouldn't exist. Yeah, honestly, if you just made the trailer like two hours long, I'm sure 4.4 million people will still watch that. Just call it a trailer.

No, make the trailer two hours long. Make the show three minutes long. 4.4 million people will watch the show and then no one will watch the trailer. That's fine. We saw Hollywood. We did. We saw Hollywood.

All right. I guess we'll call off the strike then. Can we have the power to do that? I think we do. At any point, at any point, two people agree? Two people who are in the industry. It's like a war game situation.

We both have a key and we turn it. All we have to say is, hey, we're in the industry. Break out your key, man. Let's end this thing. Speaking of the industry, we also have Bridget Jones, who's here. Please don't call off the strike. Please, I've been meeting mad people. Okay.

I've been meeting. Who else have you been to meet? Carlisle Tart. Polar Tompkins. Who else? The cast as usual suspect. Everyone's blowing up my phone right now. Will Hines be texting me?

Wow. incredible stars. Wow. You have more entries in your diary? Yeah. We have to take a break, but I promise that we were going to read some more. Did you really want to? I really did, yeah.

What else do you have? Oh, I definitely want to. Yeah, one more. I could give you one more right now. All right. Okay. Della. It's me, Bridges Jones from Bridges Jones' Zara.

It was a typical English morning, woke up to the sounds of orphans dying. Got myself a new job at Buckingham Palace Waking up King Choros for Brecky, dry toast and a side of stinky dick. When all of a sudden, Chuck began to choke on his stinky dick Like a little fucking idiot. He was dying on me, just like J.K. Rowling should have died after she wrote Harry Potter.

Then it me. Clearly this man was obsessed with me. and wanted to whip me creepy binkies. Then again, wouldn't have fetch. Sometimes when I listen to these, Bridge, I worry that you're,

instead of diaries, you're buying, uh, madlibs. And you're just, and you're just filling out. Honestly, I'd buy it.

I'd buy that book of madlub. Did it untree sound the same? Structurally, they follow a similar structure, yeah. Do they? Yeah. Yeah,

but I mean, then again, TV shows do. If you ever watch family matters. which I don't believe I have. I was thinking about family matters every single time that I heard those. These are the family matters of diaries.

Same tone. Same exact tone. You know how that cop from Diehard? He was the dad on that, right? Oh, yeah. He would always whip out his flippy disbees. Oh, yeah. His stunky donkeys.

Tunky don'tky don'ts. Classic catchphrase. Well, these are great, Bridget. I hope that you... Can make them into a movie. Yeah. I mean, King Charmed. Boy, did you think he'd start in a movie?

I mean, look. He's famous. Like, his cue rating. Yeah. He's dead. What? He's dead. He died.

When? We choked on his dick. Oh, someone called Byron Denison. They have a buddy double working. What? Yeah. I got to talk to Byron about this. This is the second week in a row that we talked about stuff that Byron Deniston would have an opinion on.

I was in the UK for the coronation. You're telling me that whole time. A body double. Yeah. Buddy double. It was Adam Driver. That was Adam. Wow.

It's Adam Drey. He's so good. He's so good. He can do anything. Did you see marriage story? Yeah. Yeah. Love this.

Yeah. Man, he's good. Need I say more. Did he play the Scarlet Johansom part two? He did. Oh, he's so good. And he played the kid. Whoa.

Oh, so I can do it. I can pull it off. And he played the wall there he slaps. Oh, really? Yeah. I was better to say the wall was great in that movie. The wall was unforgettable. I'm the song hero of that film of the wall.

The slap and the slap. wall. Better than the movie the wall? I don't know. Better than the wall that Trump built. Okay, I didn't realize that you were... I love that wall. Better than... I didn't realize you were in English.

Pro-rexit. Pro-wall. Better than Rod. The wall of Pink Floyd wall? Better than that wall? Oh, I don't know that wall. Oh, really? You don't know that wall? Same wall from the movie, the wall. Oh, okay. Understood. Same wall?

Same wall. You thought you were escalating. Yeah, I thought it was escalating. It turns out. We're right. Exactly the place. Well, speaking of escalating, we need to get to our next guest. Oh, man. He is a TV host.

We've all seen him on our TV screens over the years. What else needs to be said about him? It's his first time on the show. This is exciting. We've had Conan O'Brien, who's a TV host on the show before. He's a host. He's a TV show, but this is one of the best. Please welcome the Cryptkeeper.

Hello, boys and ghouls. Hi, Cryptkeeper. Hi. Scare talkerman. Bridget Bones. Ooh. Hackslade. I love it.

I love it. You got two of them. I got two. Both of mine. Wow. Incredible. Cripkeeper, I'm a big, big fan. You are, of course, the host of...

Tales from the Crient. And who better to tell us these tales than the actual Cripkeeper himself. That's right. Don't mind me I was just having dinner Oh okay Wait can I ask what you were One of a second

You were having dinner Were you just over there Having dinner the whole time? Yeah Okay Is that what I was smelling I've been here since the beginning Oh okay

But I've been having dinner We were minding you I just wrapped up Oh You what? He's also eating a rap Yeah Yeah yeah

Yeah So you don't make You get it happens I'm picking up what you put in down grip. You don't only make puns about a ghoulish thing and and killings and stuff. You also make puns about your food?

Yes. Okay. I make puns about everything. Oh. Well, it's great. It's so great to meet you. It's, I mean, I'm a big big fan. Great to meet you do.

I had steak. It was a steak wrap? Yeah. Like a big fan. Or just a full-blown steak wrapped in a tahita. It was a vagina. Yes. A steak wrap could also be called a vagina.

That's what they call them in the UK, right, Bridget? That's right. Yeah, we forgot about these things. Yeah. Viginas. Because the C word, which is terrible here. You guys call each other that all the time. Tell me, I don't never heard it before.

I don't like to say it to a woman. Please, please. All right, cunt. Oh my God. No, the C-word is contestant on Love Island. Yes. Oh, yeah. Those are mad cunts.

Yeah. I'm a huge, huge fan, Cripkeeper. You hosted that show for so many years. Five. You also just give information in that voice, which I love. Yes, Scott. A little bit about me. Oh.

You want to know more. I want to know more. Yeah, tell us. I mean, how did you get that? the job were you in a crypt or did you or were you just a normal actor who auditioned? I was a normal actor

who auditioned but on the way to the audition I died. Oh, that must happen all the time. I was rushing. Oh. You see it was the 90s. I had to get my sides from a printing company. I remember those days.

Were you looking at the Thomas Guide of where to go to? Yes. I had a big map in front of my windshield. And I remember these days. And I crashed off of the 110 free way. Oh, terrible.

This must happen like every audition for every part. At least one actor dies on the way there, I imagine. I mean, it used to happen all the time, I assume. Yeah. That's why I don't go to auditions anymore.

I'm an offer only because I don't like them odds. How many offers you got lately? Zero. Well, now all auditions are self-tanked. Yes, that's right. They be filming in their houses, getting in fights with loved ones. Exactly. They're stacking their camera on shoe boxes.

How many couples have divorced because of self-tapes? It has to be at least 50% of all marriage. 50% of all marriages in 10 sweatpants. Okay, Whitney. It's a Whitney Cummings joke. I got to say, you can make anything sound creepy. I mean, a self-tape is now terrifying. They also sound sexy.

Yeah. It sounds horny. You sound like Samantha from Sex of the City. I'm turned on and terrified every time you speak. It's wonderful. Samantha from Sex in the City. Kim Catrall. Say I love fucking.

She was in Mannegan. She was in Managena. Didn't see that. I thought you said Benegans. The rest of her. We've all been in Beneggan. I mean, at once in a life. You think Kim Contral has ever been in a Beneggan?

She has to have been in a Benegon. At least once. At least one. At least you use a toilet. Like, Yeah. To let out her poops and peace. You say things like their puns, but now you're not doing any puns.

You started so hot at the beginning and now you've... Prompt me. Well, look, you auditioned, you got... So you came back to life or... No, you didn't come back to life. You were dead, but you got to the audition. Yes, I was late. And were the puns...

You were late because you died? Yeah. Okay. Were the puns your idea? Were they... It's just how I talked. Scott. Sort of the first two minutes.

Did you talk this way before you died? Yes. Oh, okay. I talked exactly like this. So were you kind of into spooky things and being creepier? Absolutely not. Oh, okay. So your interest changed after you died.

Were you a sports guy? I was a waiter. You were a waiter. Oh, okay. Where? Yeah, where? And famous Hollywood restaurant. The Brown Derby.

The Brown Derby where they would. do all the cartoons of everyone and everything? Sure. Should ever have a cartoon made of you? Yes. I only can see things in animation. So I love cartoons. I'm a little cartoon boy, so.

Was it hard to get reservation? Absolutely. Especially when I was working there. Why? Usually the waiters have no control over that. I was bad answering the phone. Oh. I was the matri-D.

Oh, so you were a matri-D and a waiter. Yeah. You were busy. He has two shifts. Okay, that's why you're running away. Double shifts every day? Yeah. Well, if you do them simultaneously, you get paid twice, but you take up the exact same eight hours.

Exactly. Now, where are you from originally? Me? Yeah. Who do you think we're talking to, Grip Keeper? Like, where does this voice come from? Columbus, Ohio. Oh, okay.

You also sound like Prince when he's doing a character. You know, like in the bridge of some of the songs. He's, like, doing a Morris Day kind of thing. Prince is also dead That's right Oh yeah God I wish he were auditioning for things This is why we're striking

It would be weird if he was We don't want AI Prince We want dead prints To act in shows like CSI Now do you know how you came back from the dead? Yes You also sound like Jacquesé Who?

From 227 Mary Jackie from two to heaven. Okay, yeah. Where dead people go. It's kind of creepy. Is heaven spooky?

I can't. I mean, it is, it's filled with dead people. So, yeah, it's probably spooky as hell. Is it spooky up there? Yes, it is. Did you go to heaven? I did. But they kicked me out. Oh, no.

Why? Because I asked to be released for my audition. Oh, yeah. So it's like constantly asking your manager at the waiting job. And I booked the. the part. Is that a Bible? What was that?

Yeah, what was that one? I've been following every single one somehow, and that one was... I think the book, the good book is the Bible. You decide. Those aren't good puns when it's the listener asked to decide. Prompt me. I don't know how to prompt you. Okay, you're on a boat and there's a tidal wave coming for the vote.

Go. Ooh, a tidal wave. Why did you? you say prompt me when you can't do it? It was nothing. You're in quicksend. You didn't let me finish. You didn't let me finish.

Okay. Ooh. Added new. Ooh. A tidal wave. Looks like this boat will be capsizing. That's exactly what. That's not a pun.

I don't. Okay. Okay. You didn't let me finish. Okay, sorry. Please start over from the beginning, though. And please say you're finished when you're finished. It's like saying over on a walkie time.

Yeah, thank you. Oh. Back at the beginning. It's like he hurt himself. Ooh. A tired of way. Looks like we'll be capsizing. There's got to be a morning after.

Poseidon. I'm not interrupting you. He hasn't said he's finished. I have it. But side note, have you ever seen Poseidon Adventures? Is that the animated spinoff of Poseidon, the Poseidon Adventure? Yeah, it's like the Gremlin's, the Legend of the Maguire. Yes, you're a cartoon boy.

I'm a cartoon boy. Are you done? Because I haven't heard of a pun yet. Not yet. I'd love to hear you repeat it again. You have to start From the beginning We keep interrupting you, I'm sorry

Ooh A tidal way Looks like we'll be capsizing There's got to be a morning After Poseidon More like Podiden

Okay Yeah There we go Yes That was my good writing He hasn't said he's done Oh sorry I did

Oh you did See, I thought the part about have you seen the Poseidon Adventures was part of it. No, I said side note. That was a side note. Oh, side note. Poseidon note. That's what I was thinking, yes. Doesn't work.

I don't hear it. Okay. You realize you were so snooty about the quality of the phone. He's right. He's the expert. My worth the wait. Really good. Really good.

Would you ever consider reading one of her diary entries with your amazing voice? Absolutely. I mean, I think I'd love to. Not to take anything away from your diary entries. Have that it. I could even punish up. Okay, so if you see an opportunity for a pun. So the way that I write, it's like mad lips, yeah.

Yeah, let's see. Dear Diary. Oh, good. That is good. Starting off high. I love it. It's me, Bridget Bow. Okay, great.

Yeah. It was a typical English morning. Oh, yeah. Morning because people are dead. With the you, with the you. Yeah. woke up to the sound of rat screaming. Nothing changed.

Yeah, fine as is. Stett. Got myself a new job at the local swimming. Holy. Holy. Holy. But it's weird when you play with religion. Yeah.

I mean, I realize that religious imagery is right. I'm just going with like exorcism. When I see when I hear like anything. It's true. War me self. A-dicture. Kenny Keeney to show off my cleavey,

nothing changed there. Nothing changed. I get it. When all of a sudden a kid be choking on Wawa like a little fucking bitch. Now you're just reading. He was dying. Okay. You're just emphasizing words that already exist.

Here's my issue, Cryptkeeper. You start so hot with two out of the gate. Just like Princess. die, Ellen. Yes, that's in the text. But I literally gave it to you. They hit me. You're just reading.

Just general violence. There's no fun with it. He's pointing at himself like, hit me. Clearly the kid was obsessed with me and wanted to plug my poopie puggy. You're just reading the thing. But then again, who wouldn't? Okay. Then you emphasized a word that, did.

even have any kind of connotation. Like wood. If you were to hit somebody with a two by four. If you were to hit, how many people have hit someone with a two by four? That's a good pun. I give it up for that one. So it's gone from spookiness to just kind of general violence.

Well, still spooky. Yeah, okay. I guess it's spooky. There we go. Yeah, now we're back. That is spooky. Woo!

I got the goosebumps. Have you, I have to, I mean, you were so good on this show. Have you ever auditioned for any other part? Like, I know they're looking for Superman now, you know. I was in Superman.

I auditioned for Dean, uh, Dean's part. Dean, uh, Dean Kane. Dean, oh, oh, the Lois and Clark show. Lois and Clark. Hmm, which is a pun of Lewis and Clark. Yeah. I never thought about it that way. I don't think it is.

Um, so, uh, you're-huh. Which is a pun of William and Mary. Mary from 227 which is a pun from Mary and what is it that band Joseph

yeah what there's three people Mary Peter Paul and Mary yeah they're an American band you can be excused for not knowing exactly yeah thank you yeah

my brain died yeah which is a pun on your brain died it died itself different colors which is a pun on Roger Waters the wall That's right. Yes. So you have a... I played on Save by the Bell, the new class.

Oh. Who were you? I was a hotel concierge. Because Screeze is no longer with us, unfortunately. A hotelie ter. A hotel concy scared. Okay. He's back.

He's back. Wow. Well, look, Cripkeeper, we love you. I don't think we learned anything about you other than how you audition. A little bit about me. Oh, okay. When I left Columbus, I got accepted to the Ohio State University, but I chose to go to the University of Michigan. Oh, great theater program there, I've heard.

That's pretty spooky. Well, all of that training paid off. I mean, obviously, because you're one of our great hosts. We love you. I assume you had writers on the show. why we're striking. All up the top of the dough. How many takes would they have to do?

Because you usually start very, very strong and then run as. They just rolled. They just rolled. They did it in a sequence. It's a lot of unbroken takes, too. That's pretty impressive. Maybe he needs a camera on him, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Too scary. All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have, this is exciting. Jack, I know you have to leave, right? Yeah, I got to go. I got to go to get massive shit. Oh, okay, cool.

Yeah, yeah. Well, when we come back, we're going to have a massive. Massive ships. We're not going to have a massive ship. Is he just repeating what we're saying? A duky pucky. There we go. See, that had a spin on it.

That was great. There we go. When we come back, we're going to have a huge musician on the show. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang, bang after this. Comedy bang bang, bang. We're back. Jack Quaid is here of, oh, you're in that show, Duh, boys as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm in the show The Boys. Da boys. Yeah, it's a Chicago. based superhero show. And what, uh, what's going, what's going on with it? Uh, well, you know, we just, uh, shot the fourth season.

You didn't shoot a lot like, uh, Bob Marley shot that famous sheriff. It's exactly like that song. That's the thing. That's what we all said every day. We were like, I shot the scary. Oh, okay. All right. Top of the segment.

No problem. Oh my God. That was incredible. Um, so is it cut, uh, when do we get to see it on our, uh, small screens. You get to see it on your teeny tiny screens. I actually don't know. You always say this. Well, no, I generally don't know. Make some news here. There's a writer's strike so I don't know. Is it so bad that you would you would say it on this incredibly popular podcast? I think the Amazon people at Amazon would love to get the kind of promotion. I mean,

do you want me to just guess? Because we got, uh, let me guess. Okay, you guess. And if I get it right, then, then I have to go and take a massive shit. Yeah. That's right. Okay. That's right. I heard you're leaving. No, no, it's fine. I've been holding it in for, I mean, a lot of people don't know this. The breaks on here are four hours long. Yeah, sorry about. So I don't know.

All right. Yeah, let me guess. December 25th. Yeah. Okay. Gotta go. Got to go take that massive shit. All right.

Jack Quaid. It's a Christmas show. Goodbye, everyone. Great to have you on. We also have Bridget Jones here. Yeah. What's up? What's up?

I'm getting mad text right now. Oh, from who? They're like, why aren't you on the line? Get back out of the line. We've got one from Drew Tava right here. Wow. Zach Bronstein. Yeah, incredible.

And stars that you... Tim Bolt. Yeah. Mark McConaville. McConville. Yeah. Incredible. We also have the cryptkeepers here with us.

Wait. Let me get a drink of water. Oh, yeah, please do. Because we have a... Oh, okay, much better. We also... We have a guest, I think, that is Jermaine, to your... interests,

Crip Keeper, because he's been on the show once before, and he is the he is the living embodiment, or not living, but he is the spiritual embodiment of a very famous musician. Please welcome back to the show, The Ghost of Dr. John. Catch it down in New Orleans.

How's everybody going? That's right, your catchphrase. How's everybody going? My catchphrase, that's what we said down in South of Louisiana. Yeah. It's me to ghost of Dr. John How's everybody going today? Everyone's going great. How are you?

I'm going well. This is Bridget Jones. I'm going my good. You're going good. Yeah. Nice. I liked your books. Thank you.

Oh, were you watching us? Like, I'll go still. Yeah, I just kind of hover above the space in a room. And I just kind of like observe before, you know, I make myself corporeal. Do you do that in every room or is that just? Like a thought. Yeah, like I'm like the world's fought. Yeah.

So you're in every room simultaneously. I'm in every room simultaneously. They're kind of like Santa Claus. Right. And I do watch you masturbate. Great. Just so you know. When I do it, I'm putting on a show for the ghost.

Yeah. Yes. I'm like, hey, you like this? You like this? You like this ghost? You like this? You like this dick ghosts? That's what we called it down south.

We say, well, I'm going to go upstairs and put on the show for the ghosts. And now I am a ghost. and I believe it because it happens. Wow. This is the Cripkeeper, by the way. Your fellow ghosts in a way. Hello. Hey, man, how are you?

You spooky as hell. Good to see you. You don't look like him. Why does Cripkeeper, why do you look the way you look and Dr. John looks the way he looks? Dr. John uses lotion. Oh. I use ghost lotion. It's just drunk elephant.

But it's just good. It's good. It's good for the skin or the lack thereof that I have. I see. Yeah. Doctor, I've always had a question for you. And I've always had an answer for you, Craig Kaper. Are you black?

No. So it's okay. Just for everybody listening right now, white or at least somewhat white. I haven't exactly looked into it, but yeah. I've always wondered. Yeah. Also, are you the voice of AMBM?

I believe so. Really? I mean, at least, you know, they have the. Anti-Maridian and post-Miridian? Anti-Muridian, yeah. Wow. That's me. Incredible. I'm in every room, so I'm the voice of most things.

Oh, that's right. You sing. Yeah. I was into Princess. Quick recap. I was into Princess and the Frog. The Frog. I was it.

Scott hasn't seen. You should do Scott Hasn't Seen. Scott hasn't seen. Where we watch Princess in the Front. Oh, yeah, we got to watch it. Catch it down in New Orleans. So I'm here to sue the Walt Disney Corporation. What?

Yeah. Just like Ron DeSantis? Just, well, not exactly the same way. But, you know, I'm out there on the picket line most days now. Not striking with the ride as though I am in solidarity. But, you know, Dr. Teeth from the Muppets, they're using him. It's clearly a knockoff of me stealing my over. All of you doctors know each other too, right? Every single doctor knows each other.

Dr. Phil. Yeah. The rest. Listen, I'm in most rooms that I know. know most doctors. Dr. Quinn? Yeah. Medicine woman.

That's pretty spooky. Was she a doctor or was she just a medicine woman? Because I think she had two titles and she was sort of like, hey, choose which one is applicable. This is mad sexist, baby? You're like, is the woman Dr. Rudy Dundra? You wouldn't call, you know, who's a male doctor? Dr.

Dr. Oz. Okay. You wouldn't call Dr. Oz Medicine Man. You know, it's like. It was old-fashioned times. So everything was like medicine. woman. Meat man.

Meat man. Meat. Meat man. Butcher Phil, the meat man. Yeah. Okay. That makes more sense. Slop, gubbler. River butcher. I believe there were no college degrees in her day. Yeah, she couldn't go to fucking medical school. Then why could they call her doctor? Who cares? Is doctor just something

that everyone could be if they just practiced medicine? And then suddenly they were like, no, you need a degree to do this. I mean, I went to Zataco School, and that's how I got my... I covered this last time. That's right. Although it's been a while. But, um... You're a fan of the band stained?

The band stained? Yeah. Never heard of them. I'm so sorry. They sing that song. It's been a while. Oh, now I know. It's been a while since I've been something.

Then it trails off because I forget. Yeah. And just turn off the radio. You know, it's funny. Sometimes when it's been a while since I've done something, I sing, it's been a while. It's been. Oh, yeah, it's been. It's been.

I don't know. references. Zatico school. Zatico school, yeah. To Slane University. Yeah. He's back. Yeah, he's back.

He's back. Glad we waiting for that. So happy we're waiting for that. So Dr. John, you're suing Walt Disney. I'm suing the Walt Disney Corporation and I guess the man himself, theoretically. I see him up there sometimes. Oh, he's up there. He's up there.

He's up there. He's up there. He's up there. He's up there. Oh, really? So he's in like a waiting room until he gets back down. He's in like a, you all seen Beetle he's in that waiting room.

Do you mean the play or the movie? I mean the video game. I mean the video game. Or the cartoons. From Xbox 360. Okay, got it. Yeah. So you're suing Walt Disney on behalf of Dr. Teeth.

No, on behalf of me because, okay, so it's a little bit convoluted. But Dr. Teeth, part of the Muppets. Disney owns the Muppets. Dr. Teeth clearly a rip off of me. suing Walt Disney Corporation for the sake of my uvra. You know what I mean? And I need that money. I say no cash, no uvra.

That's that's on my writer's guild sign. So now you had plenty of time to do this while you were alive, by the way, because Dr. Teeth, I believe, has been established ever since the late 70s, if not early. I only heard about Dr. Teeth after I passed away. Well, no, what happened? Who told you? Someone was just like, guess what? The Muppets, Abraham Lincoln.

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln told you about the Muppets? The Muppets. The Muppets. You should be pissed. He's a fan of the Muppets. He loves those fucking Muppets. His hat is sort of like a Muppet. Yeah.

It kind of bounces around and says, yay! That is so offensive. To Muppets? To Muppets, to Abraham Lincoln? To Abe. To Honest Abe himself. Yeah. Wow, yeah.

One of our most honest... Weird, isn't it, that two presidents have like these stories about being honest? Washington and Lincoln. It's like, come on. Pick one of them. Big one. Trump's been mad on this as well. Okay. All right.

So how's the lawsuit going? Where'd you file it in a friendly court? Were you judge shopping? I was judge shopping for a while. Last time I was here, I thought I found a lawyer, but she turned out to be a malignant. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I remember that.

Yeah. She was a malignant. Yeah. She was a malignant. When we say a malignant, meaning she had a body. She had a bi. And then a conjoined. twin on the back. Can join twin on the back of her head. Yeah. So that didn't work out too well. So I was just

wondering if anybody here, I'm back shopping for lawyers to help me sue to Walt Disney Corporation. I know a lawyer, but I don't know if he's around. He's, he's from Italy. So I don't know if he's Okay. Yeah. Is he about to appear? I have no idea. I'm in every room. I could check. Yeah, go find Italiano Jones and see if you can bring him here. Like, okay, hold on. I found him. Scott, I came as soon as I could. What is it, Scott? You came so? Where were you?

I was right outside your house in my RV. You didn't have to go very far, did you, Dr. John? No. He was right outside. Scott, what is it? Scott, have you been injured? I've not been injured, no. Wait, you have it?

You look mad sick. No, this is age. Scott, you look disgusting. You look like you're dying. No, no, I mean, we all are, but me a little closer to do it than the rest of you. Why is your skin green? What have you been doing? I look I it's not about me we have we need a lawyer ooh I do that here I'll give you mouth to

mouth Scott no no no well okay well okay yeah you know been married no I'm good you want it too much damn it uh no uh Dr John here you go to Dr John hello hello Dr John hello Dr John hello have you been injured you're a doctor you should be able to fix it well I'm technically dead oh yeah that's a big injury that's a big injury have you ever uh represented anyone who's actually dead The Cripkeeper. Wait, you, oh, this is the Cripkeeper is here. Hello, Italian.

A jaladio. Bones. Oh, good. Wait, are you his ride? Is that why you're outside with the RV? We both live in the RV. Oh, together? Yeah.

Man, the conversations between you two must be great. Let's hear one. Their voices are similar. I don't know how y'all tell each other apart. Good morning, Cripkeeper. Good morning. I thought that was the Cripkeeper. Can't tell them apart.

Good morning, Jackie. Man, me. I am following this. I'm riveted. Continue. What do you need help with? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Dr. John, you're suing Disney. It's an Uber-related lawsuit. It's Dr. Teeth. Oh, Uber. Were you in an Uber and you got injured? It's Uber. Oh. Uber.

General fee of it. of character and it's a likeness issue really. It's very pertinent There's confusion in the marketplace. It's confusion in the marketplace. I need my identity. Well, I am a personal injury attorney. Oh, that's right. I always forget that about you. But you could say he's been injured.

Even though he asks people constantly if they're injured. Well, Scott's been injured on the job. He looks mad sick. Scott, have you been injured on the job? You look like shit. No, I'm fine. You should sue comedy bang, bang. I wonder if I could Honestly, I'll get in on that with you Okay, yeah

If you and I both want to sue company Big Big Dayne Yeah, why not Do you think he looks better than me An actual ghost? Absolutely not No I look better than the cryptkeeper though You gotta admit

You look less wrapped up You look more exposed You mean wrapped up Because he had a wrap Dr. John, I may be able to take on your case I just have one question Yeah Are you black?

No Listen to me I checked before I became Dr. John. We all have to check everyone. We all have to check. I'm just Cajun, I believe.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a very, uh, it's a regional. It's a regional. Yeah, exactly. But, um, you want to represent them? Does that, if I was black, would you, would you represent me? Absolutely not. Okay.

Wait, you don't represent black clients? Absolutely not. They always lose. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, this has been no help me. Are you black? I remember,

Are you black? I'm Italian. I'm a white Italian. No, he's canonically black in the book. You did that. I never said that. Only thing I ever said that I am six to five. Yeah, so he's white.

You need to redo the book. I've represented one black person that has gotten off. Who's that? It's me, Scott. OJ. OJ's here. So many people are in that office. Now I can tell the difference now.

OJ sounds different. We're all hanging on the RV, I'm telling you. And it is a good time. Hey, who is this? This is the ghost of Dr. John. Hi, white. Just the case you're about to ask. I love those.

And they love you, Juice. They love you. Sometimes. You know, I didn't come here to stay low. I just wanted to say, watch Star Trek lower decks. You sound like Obama now. Who's your favorite Star Trek?

low-ed-dex character. Is it Kishah? Lieutenant Kachian. Oh, I know it. I know everything about him. Oh, like what? I got to get back out to the RV. Okay, see you later. Y'all take care. Yeah. What's happening in an RV? What are you going to do all day?

What's happening in there? I'm just saying. Usually people leave after they say, take care, but he wanted to give his last case. OJ, can you represent me? I thought I was talking to the other two guys, and the OJ responded. Well, I have been reading some law books. She hasn't left yet.

Now, he's serious. Dr. John asked me a question. I did. I said, could he represent me in my case? You've been reading law books. You famously got off. I mean, if anyone knows how to get... Yes. Well, I did lose the civil case.

Oh, that's right. I had to spend a lot of money on that. But I... Let me tell you something. Yep. When you're down, when you're sitting down, as they say, I have plenty of time. When you're sitting down.

It's not a technical term then. When you're sitting down, as they say. As the lay person, I... I have... I had to read a lot of books. And I think I may be able to get your Uber case seen by the Supreme Court. By the Supreme Court. Yes, I have a good friend on the Supreme Court.

His name is Clarence Thomas. I love that guy. Yeah, I kind of figures you guys are friends. Is he black? He is. Doesn't like to be, but he is. Now, I am up on current events and I don't love him. But I'll take what I can get.

Yeah, I mean, Ms. Supreme Court, I didn't realize they represented people in cases. Do they represent ghosts? I can get them to hear this ghost case. Oh, okay. But right now, they're going to tow the RV, so I've got to get back out there. Oh, okay, Juice. It's always wonderful talking to you. Take care, Scott.

I definitely will take care. Thank you, Juice. Take care, doctor. Hey, yeah. Bye. I get the feeling as long as he was talking to you, you're still going to stick around. I'm out of you. Okay.

All right. Cripkeeper. Why are you crying? I realize that your hello sounded like a creaky door. I'm scared. Of O-J. You're scared of O-J?

Why? He always steals my breakfast. Serial. Well, you'd be eaten. Oh, because of the podcast about the murderer. That one's a deep part. That's a reach.

I've been hitting you guys with them all day. Why are you all unwrapped all of a sudden? I'm wearing a tuxia. I feel like we're learning more about you than we have this entire time. You're wearing a tuxedo. For what?

To what end? Are you going to some sort of big ball tonight? I'm attending a boozeicle. Which one? Is that a musical with booze or a scary musical? A scary musical. Yeah. Yeah, where are you, which one are you going to?

Hair spray. Okay. Terrifying. You paused, knowing hair wasn't good enough. And then you continued, and you just said a different, it was a lateral move. Hair sleigh. Hair sleigh. There we go.

Yes, queen, yes. Cut the other one out. Unfortunately, our editing machine is broken. Yeah, actually, you could cut most of this stuff out. Every week, we just leave it all in. I don't know why. It's a bad move. So embarrassing.

Well, look, we are running out of time, speaking, cutting everything out. Am I any closer to suing the shit out of Walt Disney? I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever get there. Italiano here maybe could help you, but... I'm sorry. I don't think you have a case. Hold on. O.J. was convinced, but Italiano, no? O.J. and I are not the same person.

No, I just... You all live in the same RV. Was that canon? It is now. All right. Italiano Jones more like Italiano knows. Because you're saying no. Because he's saying no. Not about your, it's not about your nose.

I see you touching your nose. He cares less about puns. They're not the same person. It's an Italian nose. Not everyone in an RV has the same mind, right? Exactly. All right. If you guys want to see all of us in our RV, we live right outside Scott's house.

Please don't give out of the address. We are running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. Oh, beautiful. That was its time for plugs by Nick Bowen. Had a flaming lips vibe to it. I loved it.

Thanks so much, Nick. If you have a plugs theme or closing up the plug bag theme, head over to CBBWorld.com slash plugs, and you can upload it there, and you might be able to be played on this show. All right. What are we plugging? Ghost of Dr. John, but pardon me, pardon me.

Yeah. Anything to plug? Disney's got that new Muppet show. Do not watch it. I will be mad. I will watch you. while you masturbate a little more. Yeah, don't masturbate to the Muppet Show.

Don't watch the Muppet Show and don't masturbate. Definitely don't do both at the same time because I'm there. Yeah, always there. I'm right there. I'm underneath your sheets. I'm on the ceiling. Bridget Jones, are you, you want to plug anything? Yeah.

What do you got? I'm going to plug CBB World. I'll be listening to it on, when I'm out there on the picking line. Oh, good. Listening to this book, Change My Live. Oh, a new episode just came out last week. No. Yeah, it did.

It did? Yeah. It did? Yeah. No, it's this week. Do you know when this comes out? Okay, delete that. Delete that.

We can't delete you. Stop fucking up. Don't make me look like a fucking idiot on you. Just, okay, so that ep came out last week. Yeah, I listened to it. It was so good. Also, listen to, hey, Randy, coming out this week. Okay.

We don't normally talk about before it comes up. But yeah. Okay, delete that. Stop fucking. up everyone. God. And follow L-I-L-W-W-W-W-W-A. And Cripkeeper, what do you want to plug?

You must have so much in the bank, in the tank. What's going on with you, Cripkeeper? Yes. Or Italiano. I'll take either one. Whatever is easiest to get these plugs out. I would like to plug. Star Trek Lower Decks.

Ah, yes. about before. Star Trek Lower Decks, the cartoon about Star Trek. I would also like to plug Star Trek Lower Dex. I would also like to plug it as well. I would also like to plug Grand Crew. Oh, that's right. Grand Cruze on Peacock right now. On Peacock. That's not a pun either. Just generally gross? Yes. You have to read beneath the bud. That's your problem, Scott. Your surface level. Very first thought. What about any

podcast? You have any podcasts? Yes. I'd like to plug the flagrant one. It's so slow when you talk with Sotics forever. The flagrant ones. This is with hosted by

Slays Davenport. Sean Kvinvinvin. You know that one. And Carl John. I have a question about those two. Do they ever drop the act? I still don't know.

Oh, okay. I want to plug, look, the CBB book is out there. It makes a great gift for any dads, let alone your grads. And people are really enjoying it. I'm happy to hear all of the great reviews of it. And also I want to plug CBB World. We have a ton of shows over there. We have, of course,

On Tuesdays, we have College Town, right? Yes. And Wednesdays is CBB presents. Don't give it away. Don't give it away. Don't give it away. And then Friday we have Scott hasn't seen. I believe we just watched Reds with the co-creator of Miles Morales, Spider-Man, Brian Michael Bendis.

Oh. And some good shows coming out this month. All right, here we go. Let's close up the old plug bag. we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tired and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tired and then we take them up and shut them tight and then we take them up and shut them tired and then we take them them up and shut them tight and then we take them tight. I'm the Captain Now. That's good. That's good.

I'm the guessing man. I'm a guy. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. I'm the guessing. I'm the guy. That's good. Let's see how many lyrics we can do. Yeah. That was Shut Them Tight, Captain Bubbles by Ephraim. Thank you to Ephraim or Ephraim. Probably it has an eye. Ephraim, I'm guessing. It's both. Oh, it's both.

Oh, okay. You know him. Yes. Or her. Or them. Them. Okay, great. Guys, I want to thank you so much.

First of all, Bridget Jones. Always great seeing you. I loved you seeing you. Did you really? I did. You're one of my favorites. Really? Come back anytime.

Wow. Honestly, love it. Yeah. Love it. We have a great relationship until you talked about how bad I looked. But that's just, I'm just trying to help. I'm trying to save you. Hmm, interesting.

Make sure you get the help you need, okay? Okay. Obviously, you're obsessed with me. And you're flinky dinkies. Yeah, even in the jungle of me jingies. And a cryptkeeper, such an honor meeting you. I'll be back. I'll be hack.

I've noticed that you have two pods. You have anything rhyming with act, you say hack, and anything rhyming in A's, you say slays. Also, he said that he said, used bones. in like... Oh, bones in like four of them. Everything's bones. Don't forget emphasizing pee.

That's true. That's a good point. Be. Ghost of Dr. John. Great having you back. Always good to be back. Good luck with your lawsuit. Hey.

Yes? I got nothing. You got a far away look in your eye when you said, hey. Slay. Slay. Yes, very good. We'll see you next time. Thanks.

Bye. Bye.