Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Jerrod Carmichael, Jessica St. Clair, Paul Rust (Old No-Nos)

Episode Date: November 7, 2024

This is episode 1 of our new Bonus Bang Series, "Old No-Nos," originally episode #167 titled "New No-Nos." Intern Marissa Wompler, fear-based comic Jerrod Carmichael, and controversial comedian Paul Rust join Scott in a riveting discussion of penis pencils, politics, and a game of Would You Rather. New No-No: If you’re going to listen to this podcast, then guess what! We get to make you laugh. That’s what you get for listening! Who’s laughing now? You are! Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another Bonus Bang where we re-release older or previous episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. We are here at the start of another series of Bonus Bangs and we're calling this one Old Nonos. That's right, fans of the show know what this means. We are going to revisit some of our favorite new no-no's episodes with Paul Rust. Paul Rust, of course, old friend of the show,

old friend of mine. He worked on the Comedy Bang Bang television show for many years, as well as he's the writer of the final Pee-wee Herman film, starred in his own Netflix series called Love. If you're new to what he does with these new no-nos, it's a recurring segment that he has, that we've had on Comedy Bang Bang since 2012.

Paul Russ comes on and he shares his thoughts on things which really tick or cheese him off. It's a fan favorite segment, and now you can hear some of the classic old no-nos, old new no-nos in our Bonus Bang series. And our first one is episode 167 called New No-Nos. It's the titular New No-Nos. It was released originally on July 16th 2012 and it's right there in the name. It was the first appearance of the new No-Nos.

Now this episode has intern Marissa Wampler, who of course has her own show, Womp It Up, played by Jessica St. Clair. It also has comedian Gerard Carmichael, and of course, Paul Russ debuting the new No-Nos. We also play Would You Rather, it's a very fun episode. Now, if you like what you hear in this bonus bang and you wanna hear the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang,

you can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com where you can find every single episode we've ever recorded, including all of the live episodes. We're gonna be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang! I can't believe this still needs to be said, but please do not hit the horse while the show is in motion. Thank you and welcome to the show.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you Leland Rodriguez for that fantastic catchphrase submission. If you have one, head over to the forums and submit it. And I am Scott Aukerman. Welcome to another edition and submit it. And I am Scott Aukerman. Welcome to another edition of the show. And this is a very special show because my intern actually made it to the show. And by the way, Marissa, you've made it twice in a year. That's an achievement for you. Yes. I almost feel like I'm over saturating the market.

You may be. But yes, I was here for your anniversary show, I stopped in. Oh, you went, this is your third time. Third time. Wow. And if you remember, Saint Vincent was there. Yeah.

And I felt like all of you men were very enamored of her, but could you feel the raw sexual energy between the two of us? But you and Saint Vincent or you and me? Me and St. Vincent! Ah! Why so soon? By the way, if you don't know who is speaking,

it's Marissa Wampler. God! She's my 15-year-old intern, almost 16, from what I understand. Almost sweet 16. You're not invited to the party, so don't ask. I don't want to come to the party. That's the last thing I want.

Oh no, but you're all, when are you turning 16? Like it's like, question of the day. No, absolutely not. I'm having a pool party in Marina Del Rey. You're not invited. You are the one who keeps bringing stuff like this up. No, I'm not. You just brought it.

No, I brought it up because I thought you were bringing it up. OK, can we please do a do-over on this? All right. Come on in, bang bang. Come on in, bang bang. OK Come on in. Come on in. OK, start in and be normal. Hi, welcome to the show. Oh, god.

Marissa is my 15-year-old intern who started on the show a while ago. Yes. She was supposed to come and just fetch water. Yeah. But I threw the cans on. Immediately. Immediately.

And people felt the heat. Yeah. And yeah, and then it's been a real internet. It's blown up on the internet. You know, someone has made a Lisler and Wampler t-shirt. Yeah. For those of you not in the know, Marissa came with her teacher, Miss Lisler.

Yes, Miss Lisler. Miss Listler, who might I say was a weirdo. Strange bird. Strange bird. Has she been arrested by the- Listen, there was a trial and I actually- Did you stand up? I took the stand.

Oh my gosh. I took the stand on her behalf and she has been- On her behalf? Yes. I thought you would be indemnifying her. Yes. No. We love, our love goes deeper than, okay, you know what?

Anyway, she's back, we're back together. She's not teaching me, but we will be doing, and is this the time to announce it? Sure, yeah, if you want. We will be doing a very special episode of podcasting called Womp It Up. Womp It Up. With Lisler and Wompler. Not Womp Up the Jams. Not, it's well, I've been doing this a lot of times. It's WompItUp.com backslash Womp Up the Jams.

Okay, that's your website. J-A-M-Z. Yes, of course. And so Lisler will be like my Andy Richter, you know? Okay. She's my color commentator and And it's gonna be great. We're gonna be recording live from the Arena Del Rey library where I have had some tense, tense negotiations with because they did not like my reading series.

I did not know about this. I did a reading series involving, I read 50 Shades of Grey to some elderly people and it was not received well by the librarians. The old people were jerking it like it was no tomorrow. I don't think that that is appropriate talk for a 15 year old girl. You know what I just heard while I was reading because I get very into it.

I just heard her like of their wheelchairs rolling back and forth. They're jerking it in wheelchairs. Yeah. It still works down there? Yeah, it still works. Oh my gosh. Anyway. All right.

Well, we'll talk to you all throughout the show, I guess. You've become my co-host whenever you drop by, not my intern getting people things. No, sir. No, thank you. And if I were to ask you to get any of our guests something? I would not do it. Okay. Good.

So don't ask. All right. I do want to introduce our other guest, who's to the left of you and directly in front of me. He is a stand-up comedian. He was just called one of the top 50 comedians to watch. Is that how many there were? How many were there?

I think there were only 10. There's only 10? Oh, wow. There's only ten? Oh wow. There's a very big difference between fifty and ten. So you're a comedian to watch. I guess that doesn't work on a podcast. Because we have to listen to you. Yeah, you can feel it though.

Okay. Can I make that list? Top fifty comedians to feel. I hope I make that list. I'm feeling you right now. Oh, man, I'm uncomfortable. Come on. See, this is what she does, Gerard.

And I'll introduce you. Gerard Carmichael is here. Hey, everybody. This is what she does. She throws it out there. And then the minute you pick up on it. I just said I'm feeling his comedy. Uh-huh.

Oh, OK. That's not what I heard. All right, don't get any weird ideas. and here it comes, the second part of it. Yeah. Yeah. Where she tells you that you have the problem. Let's just let it happen naturally, okay? By the way, and I was saying this on Twitter the other day and Marissa, Marissa, yes. Oh yeah, I'm sorry, this is so boring to you that you can't remember my name. It's only been 30 seconds. I thought I got it wrong. I was afraid. Oh man. If you're a person who does not want to give a blowjob, if that grosses you out, then just think about it,

that the erect penis is actually filled with blood under there. This is the kind of stuff you tweet? Is that to humanize the penis? Yeah, you know. It's like, that's the problem with blowjobs. People don't realize that the... People don't realize that there's a ton of blood in there. The penis is a person.

I'm never gonna do it now! I will never do it now. Okay. Oh, you seem upset about that. Gross. You sick. I said okay. You sick fuck.

No. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I don't appreciate that. Gross. You sick. I said okay. You sick fuck. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't appreciate that kind of language. Is that the kind of language Miss Listler teaches you? Oh God. There's no rules down there in that basement. No rules.

All right. Let's sorry. Let's go on. Okay. I want you to interview Gerard here because you know nothing about him nor anyone who's ever on the show. No. You have no interest in comedy. And I don't care.

You know what it'll be like? This podcast is going to be like when you scram for a test, you get all the information and then immediately after you take this you forget about it. I won't remember having met or talked to any of you by the time I'm in my stepdad's car. That's good to know. Drive it back to Bereave Del Rey. Who's your stepdad again? Seth.

He's outside. He's waiting for me outside in the car. Is the car running? Yeah. That's a waste of gas, because our show can go an hour for 15 hours. It's true, and who knows? He doesn't want to come supervise? No, no, no, he doesn't want to be involved in the entertainment biz.

He just kind of drops you off everywhere, right? Yeah, he drops me off and then, who knows where, maybe he's at the In-N-Out Burger, I don't know. And I don't care. Seth, live your life. God. All right, so I want you to perform your co-hostly duties and interview Jerod. Don't tell me what to do.

Alright, sorry you can tell me what to do. Go ahead. I've been very aggressive today. You are. Yeah, if you could take it down a notch. I'm gonna take it down a notch. Just one notch. Okay, okay. Because I know you're gonna ramp up to three more notches. Yeah, that's true.

Take it start low. All right, Gerard, is it Gerard? Tell me how to spell it. Gerard. Gerard. Okay, Gerard. Gerard, let's start from the beginning. Oh boy.

Where were you born, Gerard? North Carolina. Oh, all right. And you have brothers and sisters? Yes, I have a brother. And are you very close? We're cool. We're really cool.

If I may step in, why don't we focus on his comedy career? This is a comedy pot. Yeah. Oh, is that what Charlie Rose does? No. You know what? He goes in from the bottom. How do you know what Charlie Rose does?

Why is a 15-year-old girl watching Charlie Rose? I mostly watch PBS. Really? Yes. That's it. Gerard she's a weirdo. Wow. She has strange taste. That's her teacher. I don't know what. I just punched myself in the face with this microphone. Get used to it. Oh my god. Get used to things like that coming at your face. Oh no! Ew! It doesn't have any blood in it. Jared, tell me about your comedy. How do you come up with your bits, Jared? Uh, this is a great question. I don't really know. It's just, you feel it?

Yeah, I just feel it. I just feel it. Am I being a horrible guest by just talking about feelings? Not at all, you're feeling it. I just wanna talk about feelings. Jared, what's one of your signature bits? I don't have any signature bits, Scott. What's one of the things that when those...

I don't have any. I don't have a, you might be a retinic type thing. I'm working on it. I'm trying really, really hard. This interview's going off the rails. I'm angry now. When the people who decide what 10 comics we should watch all year.

Yes. Decided upon you. What was the piece of material that they were like, this is it? This is the thing. I don't know, my Aunt Sherry called and said, hey, you should watch my nephew. And then they did.

Who is your Aunt Sherry? She sounds beautiful. I don't know, I just like to give credit to my Aunt Sherry for everything. Wait, tell me about Aunt Sherry. What's her story? My Aunt Sherry is secretly managing my career. Oh, I love, she's so, now did she want to-

From North Carolina. Did she want to get into the entertainment business? And she never did, or she's living through you type of thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's her management company? It's called Tyler Perry Productions. Interesting. So she's doing quite well.

It's not illegal. Copyright issue. So it's like spelled a little bit differently? Yeah, yeah. It's Tyler with an I. It's really weird. She runs a tiling company as well. Yeah, Tyler Perry Productions. You can't, we can't say, okay.

Yeah, I get it, okay. And how long have you been doing comedy, if I may ask? Is that too personal? No, that's not too personal. I've talked about my feelings first. You put it up a lot of walls. We're gonna break them down. You break them down one by one. My, uh, how long have I, like four years? Four years and already we should be watching you all year.

You should keep an eye. Keep an eye out. Should keep an eye out. For what? For what? Here's the thing. Why? Just to be sure. Just to be sure of what? Now we're getting, I can't legally talk about it. Where do people see you if they want to watch you all year? Where do they do this? It's like a man of mystery. What do you mean? It's a great question. I'm around. Do you want to perform, Do you want to come on my- on Womp it Up? Dot slash jams? Oh my god! Okay, I'm gonna write it down. It's WompItUp.com

Backslash Womp up the jams Are there dashes in between each word or just Womp up the jams? Is that ever a forward slash? It's a 50-50 proposition at this point, I don't know. No, it's backslash, backslash. Is double backslash? No, God, I...

You know what? I wanted to like you. Now you're starting to piss me off. It's the last thing I wanted to do. I didn't come here for that. I come in peace. Would you do... Now tell me this, are you in a relationship right now? Me? No. No? Well, do you think that this list is going to change things? Have you been tweeting it? Like, have people been tweeting at you?

I don't know. I have to check. I don't think people have tweeted. I can't believe this guy is not snatched up. Am I right? Wait a minute on this. I don't know. He's a young guy. How old are you, by the way? 24. 24? You know, he's... That's pretty old. Who wants to be snatched up? If you haven't made it by 24 like...

Yeah, I think that would be okay for some people. Let's let's turn the tables. Let's do a patented table turn. Yes, is there like a musical thing that happens? Yeah, let's say table turn. Yeah, let's do a table turn ready and Pshhhhhh Table turn That sounded like an ass explosion Ass explosion? Pshhhhttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt What? Can an absentee actually? Can an absentee actually? Blow? Well, with the force of which you're... Oh, God. I cannot believe this. You know what? Seth, if he's listening, is going to get really pissed off

about this. Has Seth ever listened to anything you've ever done? Never. And he does not listen to anything I say. He's an absentee stepparent. Yes. That would be too deep into the entertainment. Yeah.

No, he doesn't. Yeah, he doesn't want to. Well, I would rather my family see myself as, oh god, am I yelling? I gotta back it up from the mic. I would rather them see me as me. No, that's not gonna be possible. I'd rather them see me as me and not Marissa Wampler.

Do you know what I mean? So without your name, you just, who are you? I am, like when I go home to Marina Del Rey, I want to relax. We have a community pool in my condo complex. And I find now when I go down there, oh, everyone wants a piece of me. Everybody does. From what?

From this program? Yeah, from this program, from just my general enthusiasm for life. You know what I mean? People want in on this. And I feel drained. Do you feel that way now that you've been put on this list? Now, yeah.

I wasn't aware of it, but you just raised my level of consciousness. You're feeling it now, yeah. All right, let's do a table turn here. Jerrod, maybe you could interview Marissa here. I did hear you're about to turn 16. I'm wondering what your plans are. But Jerrod, feel free to take the reins from, you know,

and ask her anything you like. Okay. This is how Scott just gets to take a nap during his own show, by the way, so don't think this is like something nice. By the way, I've told you already what questions to ask. Yes. Yes.

All right. Gerard, hit me, and don't be afraid to get personal. Hey, Marissa. Oh, God, that voice, I could listen to that voice for the rest of my life. Could you? That's the truth You only have to do it for a year though What happens when the year is over by the way when the next ten are introduced? Oh, so you saying it's all over after that? Yeah, I mean then it ends You started to cry. Then you try and make it on the top five list. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Eventually you get to number one. Then you're on, there's no list. Do you hope to be a better stand-up comedian than Louis C.K., than Richard Pryor? Or Bobcat Goldplate? Yeah, of course. Yeah? Of course. I think if you're not gonna shoot Bobcat Goldplate, I mean, he's great.

Well, I mean, he's a comedian and filmmaker. Friend of the show. Yeah. But I mean, if you're not gonna shoot that high, I say why bother? Yeah, what's the point? You know what I mean? Without that. So good for you, good for you.

All right, go ahead, ask Marissa anything. Oh wait, you need to understand that he just gave me a look that was right to my soul. Wow, okay. So I'm ready for this. Okay. Hello Marissa, how are you? Oh my God. Okay. So I'm ready for this. Okay. Hello Marissa. How are you?

Oh my god. Uh. He's got a sexy southern voice. Am I being weird? You're not being weird. I say more of it. You know what I mean? And there's only a nine year age difference between you.

No. Actually eight. I can see this working out. You know, my wife is ten years younger than I am. So you know, I mean, you know, it's not, it's, crazier things have happened is what I'm saying. Crazier things have happened that someone married you, yes. Go on. I, fuck you.

My quick head. You can fuck your stuff, Marissa. All right, let's get back on track. Jara, go ahead, ask her. You do realize I'm approaching this interview like a social worker. She's a troubled child, and yeah, we talked about that. All of my questions sound like a social, okay. No, tell me, tell me. Okay, Marissa this interview like a social worker. She's a troubled child and yeah, we talked about that. All of my questions sound like a social...

No, tell me, tell me. Okay, Marissa, first of all, are you okay? Is everything going well? Everything's going well. You know, this is, it's the summer, which I love. It's summer, the time of rejuvenation. If you were a social worker and you got an answer like this, by the way.

Everything's swell. The summer is for rejuvenation. It's for rejuvenation. That's the point. What would you think is a social worker going on? I would say, what were you being exhausted from? From the spring? OK.

I want to know. Tell me more about. I'll tell you. So now tell me more about your spring. OK, I'll tell you about my spring. Being exhausted from from the spring Tell me so now tell me more about your spring. Okay, I'll tell you about my spring and what drained you which rained me is I was editor of the literary magazine. Okay, um the gimlet and and Guess what happened? We published a poem that a woman wrote, a girl wrote, right? Very sexual. It was about, you know, jazz notes hanging off her erect nipples, et cetera.

And I thought, this is gonna get, this is gonna make the gimma fly right off the stands. I publish it, turns out she's having a relationship with our choir teacher. Oh, so hence the subtle metaphor. Yeah, and meanwhile I feel bad for her because I'm thinking, you know, she's not the most attractive girl. I'm thinking, oh, you know, she must be bringing all this in your imagination.

But it was really happening. So that was a huge scandal. Wait, it was really happening that she was hanging? I don't know how that's possible. It's a metaphor. Do you know what a metaphor is? So anyway, so that was a big scandal. Do you find that to be commonplace at your school that the students are sexualized by the teachers? Yes. Well, you have to understand that they're all wanting, they want to steal your youth. And that's the truth. And I have

about four or five teachers I know would love to take me as a lover. I'm sure of it. And that happens in the spring. They try to drain you and steal your youth. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but so I was doing that. Summer is where you have sort of a refuge from the teachers until it's rejuvenation.

Yes, exactly. That's right, we're getting to the heart of it. Now, something stressful about the summer is that there are a lot of pool parties. And I don't know why you're laughing. It's very stressful. Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, people don't see you unclothed during the year, and you can do a lot.

Which leads me to my next question that you just answered. Yeah. Thank you. Good. What was your question? I was very concerned that people saw you in clothes during the year. They don't. They don't. But then, and then suddenly in the summer you're like, oh, okay, this is what I look like in my underwear. No, thank you. Cause I had, I'm going to get honest with you guys cause I do a lot of things to disguise, you know, slim down. I wear double Spanx to school.

Oh my. Double. It seems like that would just add two layers that would basically... I had never thought of that. Don't, yeah, don't. Two Spanx cancel each other out. Two Spanx don't make a right. I double Spanx myself.

Wow. To make sure things are smooth. So now, because you guys haven't seen me, but I'm real skinny up top, but larger on the bottom. Do you know what I mean? So you're like the pyramids. Yes, yes, yes. Pair shape some people call it, but the pyramids is another way to put it.

You have a pointy head. I have a really pointy head. So there's not much you can do. Except open you up and see what treasures lie within. Eww. See what I mean? That kind of shit goes on. Every time I come here. I'm sorry, I apologize. I shouldn't have said that.

Oh boy. So it's tough for you because you don't... How do you get around that in a bikini? Um, well, I wear usually something akin to what they used to wear in the 1920s. Like a 1920s bathing costume? Yes. Made out of wool. Oh, wow. To keep the mystery alive.

So you're sort of, do you play into that? Like you're a Dida Von Teese kind of, like I'm an eccentric. That's what I'm doing this year. Okay. That is what I'm doing this year. I'm a pinup girl. I'm a pinup girl. But here's the thing. But it really just looks like you're an eccentric weirdo. Well, you call it what you will, but the wool gets very heavy when wet.

So I have almost drowned myself. Yeah, you sink to the bottom of it. At Mark Hobby's pool party, there was a situation and they had to actually jump in and grab and pull me out. Wow. Because of the wool. Because of the wool, it gets real. Cause this was, I mean, I got it on eBay, God knows.

You know what I mean? It was vintage. Oh, so other people- A vintage wool. Other people have worn it who are probably ghosts now. Probably, probably. You have a haunted bathing suit. You know, you never think about that

when you go to a vintage store, but you're wearing ghost clothes. Ghosts live in those clothes, yes. Yeah. They should call them ghost clothes. Ghost clothes. Instead of vintage stores. No, thank you.

Anyway, so that's the story, but I'm rejuvenating, and we'll get back into things. By the time September comes. Time to womp it up. Time to womp it up. Time to womp it up and your teachers, it's back to the grind. Yeah, back to the grind.

Back to fending off all their sexual offenses. All right, I have to take a break here, but when we come back, I wanna hear more about you, your plans. We also have a very special guest, friend of the show, Paul Rust will be here. Oh, I love that guy. Yeah, yeah. All of that coming up right on the other side of this we'll be right

back with Comedy Bang Bang. Wop it up! Comedy Bang Bang we are back with Gerard Carmichael top 10 top 10 comedian of all time. I like the sound of that actually. Can you text my aunt Sherry? And also Marissa Wampler's here. And- Why'd you say it like that? Like- Ah, it's so hard to get the rejuvenation of the summer. The young, beautiful, lovely Marissa Wampler's here.

Oh, gosh. Stuff is happening. Keep talking. Marissa, I wanna hear about your sweet 16. What do you have planned? Seems like you've been 15 forever. Oh, no, doesn't it? That's how time is when you're young. It just seems like you've been 15 forever. Oh, I know, doesn't it?

That's how time is when you're young. It just feels like it goes on and on. And then as you get old like you, it speeds up. Ooh, yeah. Tell me how it is, first of all, having a summer birthday. It must be tough because a lot of, you know, and I've had a summer birthday. Yeah. In my own life.

I know. In my own personal life, I had a summer. I got your invite to No, I did not. To go to Spider-Man at midnight. Wait, when was your birthday? I, uh, July 2, so it was a little while ago. Oh, happy birthday. A couple episodes ago.

Yeah, I thought I missed that. And you had dinner on the city walk? Where was that? Do you, I don't like talking about my personal life. Well, too bad. Oh, by the way, I didn't talk about it in last week's episode, but if you, uh, last week we had Adam Scott and, uh, Harris Whittles and Chelsea Peretti. Oh by the way, I didn't talk about it in last week's episode, but if you, last week we had Adam Scott and Harris Whittles and Chelsea Peretti. Oh man. And if you look at the pictures from that episode, I am wearing the

douchiest shirt. What is it? Okay, and I didn't get to talk about it on the episode, I totally forgot. After we took the pictures, I realized, oh no, I'm wearing this shirt and I didn't talk about it. Adam Scott got it for me for my birthday and it's a Transformers shirt that looked like an Ed Hardy shirt and had metal studs on it. The worst shirt and he gives it to me and he's like happy birthday, I did not buy this on City Walk. He actually went to another store to buy that. He was kidding, he actually bought it right across the street from here. Oh, that's irony.

Let me write that down. Okay. Anyway, but that's why I was wearing that. We totally forgot to talk about it. And now everybody thinks that's a shirt you would choose. That's how I dress. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I like that.

A Transformers Ed Hardy shirt with metal studs. It was so gross. It had been bedazzled. Yeah. But anyway, enough about me. What are your birthday plans? Well, okay, so my birthday is August 9th and I sent out a paperless post. Not an Evite. About four months ago. By the way, if you're gonna paperless post someone, please use Evite. They're one of our sponsors. So if you plan on paperless posting anyone, please just use Evite.

Just use Evite. Okay, so I paperless posted it and I sent it to no fewer than 240 people. Wow. No fewer. No fewer. Absolutely. And that was your pledge. And that was my pledge. No fewer than 240 people. And I will tell you, the responses haven't been good. I have only received responses from 11 people.

Listler, I imagine. Listler, Seth, my mom. The old people at the library. The two old libraries. Who were jacking it in their wheelchairs. No, oh you know that's a good idea, I should send it over there. Oh yeah, yeah. The invites over there. No, the two librarians who don't hate me, there's one who caught

me eating a pot pie in the adult fiction section when I was supposed to be stacking books. So I got in trouble for that. Do you mean a marijuana pie? No! A chicken pot pie! Okay, here's the question. Where did you heat up the ch- okay, a lot of questions.

Does the library have a microwave? Yes, which I am not allowed to use. Okay, so here's the problem. So then they were like, what's all this chicken residue in here? And I was like, I don't know. You left a trail? Yeah, I left a trail. Okay.

At any rate, I didn't invite that bitch. Whoa. She's not coming, but the other two are. So that's five, and then six people from school. Gutterballs is coming, of course, because you know he wants to see what's underneath that. Oh, Gutterballs. How You know he wants to see what's underneath that. How'd the prom go? The prom was challenging. I-

She went to the prom with Mark Gutterman, Gutter Balls? Yes. Is his nickname? Eric Gutter Balls. Eric Gutterman. Gutterman, yeah. And he, okay, so what happened was we ended up down in the basement of the Marina Del Rey yacht club.

God knows how I got down there, but he had queued up. You don't remember? I didn't remember, but he had queued up Van Morrison's Oh it's a marvelous dynamic romance. And I was like, oh God, this is gonna go terribly wrong. And so we were gonna make out and I was like, I'm gonna do this, you know what I mean? Let's just get this over with.

You had decided that, I remember us talking about it. This is the night it was gonna all happen. I wasn't, you'm gonna do this. You know what I mean? Let's just get this over with. You had decided that. I remember I was talking about it. This is the night it was gonna all happen. I wasn't, you know, just let it happen. But I felt it under his khakis and it felt like a very thin. That's an interesting prom choice, khakis. I thought so too. It's on a yacht club, so he sort of.

He was doing a whole nautical thing. Okay. And a captain's hat, which I thought was a little much. It's on a yacht club, so he sort of... He was doing a whole nautical thing. Nautical thing. Okay. And a captain's hat, which I thought was a little much. So did Seth. Wait, so Seth gave his fashion opinion, but then let you go to a basement? Yeah. Well, yeah, he didn't...

That's all Seth's interested in is what the kids are wearing. He's like, the hat's a bit much. Go have fun. Yeah. At any rate, I felt what I thought was going on under there. And it was very long and very thin. Like a pencil.

Like a mechanical pencil. Maybe it was a mechanical pencil. Yes, maybe. But I wasn't going to find out. So I. I mean, because he's just a kid. So I wouldn't put it having a mechanical pencil in your pants. He hasn he hasn't gotten the girth yet oh you're saying that yeah yeah let me ask this though yes by 15 15 slash 16 you're what you're dealing with is what

you're dealing with am I right no you get you gain an inch it gets fatter yeah much like a tree if you eat your vegetables. No, I'm being serious. Yeah, you have to cut it open to see the rings to see how many years old a man is. So some people could end up with like the thickness of a mini Coke can. Sure, a mini Coke can. Wait, they're- Why does it have to be a mini Coke can?

Wait, what do they look like? The mini Coke cans are like half as tall fun-sized ones? Yes, the same the circumference is Anyway, I'm careful with my words. I'm not sure where the line is Do you cross you crossed it the moment you started whispering those dulcet tones? Okay wasn't whispering Anyone is whispering compared to her. It's like dog hearing. I hear you guys different. I hear you guys like, like this is how I hear you. Oh hey guys, how's it going? Hey, what's up? That's how I hear you. So Marissa, you got out of that basement. I said, I think I had a bad king crab leg and I got to get out of this joint and

and that was it and so he was very upset and then I told somebody that I thought it felt like a mancanical pencil one thing led to another so weirdly enough he's coming to my birthday I don't know why I like that mancanical pencil mancanical pencil yeah but that it fits hey take a look at my man That's a that's a song We gotta get Chelsea and me back here to are the two true Montferrere twins we play that Chelsea But Chelsea's the best though. Oh is she the best? Is she the most beautiful person we've ever had yet? Perhaps. I don't care! Well good luck with that party in August. I know you want it. I want to hear, I don't want anybody, but I want to hear how it goes next time you're on the show. Yeah I'll let

you know, I probably it's one of those last minute things where a lot of people are going to be pouring in and you know I'll open it up to the condo association. Yeah that happens. But I ordered like 400 Chinese lanterns so I hope they don't go unused and a lot of baby carrots and hummus. Mmm sounds like a party. You know how to party. Hummus keeps right? All right we got about yeah another month to go before this party. Hummus keeps. All right well I want to another month to go before this party. Have us keeps. All right, well I want to get to my next guest here. He's a friend of the show. He's been sitting patiently here.

First of all, I want to say his name. Paul Rust, you've been on the show several times. Scott, good to be back, thank you. And Paul, you're a comedian here in LA. Mm-hmm, stand up. Stand up. When I, and maybe Gerard, you're probably influenced by in LA. Mm-hmm. Stand up. Stand up. When I, and maybe Gerard, you're probably influenced by his work a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah. I have always said to me, I've been following your career very closely. Yeah. I know what you're going to say. I remember the first time you came up to me after you saw my first set. I said, you seem like a young Bill Maher. Yeah, a young Bill Maher. I said, I forget, I might not be getting

the exact words right, but it was something like, you put everything and anything in your crosshairs and you don't hold back. I like to look at comedians and see what they're putting in their crosshairs. And it seemed to me like you were putting everything in there. Well, and specifically mores, would you say?

I think that was a big part of what I loved about you is you were just taking a lot of mores. A lot of social mores and just shoving them right in my crosshairs. Yeah. And taking them down one by one. Dealing with mores for the first time since Dean Martin dealt with them.

Yes. That's a more. I thought we were talking about a moray eels. You took that trip down to the Aquatic Center. Yes, yes. Yeah, the aquarium. Yeah, I love- That field trip.

Beluga whales. Anyway, move on. Yeah, I'm peeved off, Scott. I'm always P.O. ticked off. You're cheesed. I'm cheesed. You're always peeved. I'm miffed.

What are you miffed about right now? What's cheesing you off right now? Well, that's a good question because it brings me to, you know, my probably my most popular segment. New No-No's. Good afternoon. Yeah. New No-No's.

All right. New No-No. If you have a baby and it starts crying on the plane, then we have full protection. New no-nos. All right. New no-no. If you have a baby and it starts crying on the plane, then we have full permission to make that baby fly the plane. Right? Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah, you don't like the flight? You're crying so much? OK. Congrats. You're the new pilot, baby. Yeah. Wouldn't we like that? Yeah. New no-no. New no-no. If you Wouldn't we like that? Yeah.

No, no, no. No, no, no. If you have a next door neighbor and he gets to feeling like having a little weed whacking session in the morning, then we should have full permission to pay you to do it. Yeah. What?

If you like it so much, I'll pay you, buddy. Every morning. I'll go over to your front yard and, how much do you think a weed whacker costs, Scott? A new weed whacker? Couple hundred dollars? Okay, I'll give him $200. You can buy a new weed whacker.

You like it so much? How does that help your problem? New no-no. I'm scared. I thought weed whacker was in your window for something I'm saying. Me too. I've had a few of those sessions in the morning myself. Oh, no. I'm scared. I thought we wekker was in your window for something. Me too. I've had a few of those sessions in the morning myself. Oh, god.

Hey, how many of you guys have been to a coffee shop before and you've got to wait 30 minutes, huh, to get your coffee? Yeah, that happens. Not often, no. Go to bed there? Those long lines? OK, no, no, no. If I have to wait 30 minutes for my coffee,

then I should be allowed to take 30 minutes to drink it You can you go? I've been in this house tap people. Sorry Starbucks 30 minutes waiting 30 minutes Drink it. That's a rule. You can say that as long as you want bring your laptop These are the no-no's Okay, now this stuff pisses me off, but it pisses us all off. Yeah. I get people coming up to me all the time saying, thank you,

man. New no-no. Wait, that was one? New no-no. Did that happen? You guys ever been in the movies before, and you got that guy in front of you texting the whole time? New no-no. I should be able to draw a picture of you.

When I go home, I should be able to sit down and just draw a little illustration of you texting. You can, you can do that. New rule, new no-no. Wait, is this a new rule or a new no-no? New no-no. Oh, God. Cornbread isn't bread, it's cake.

Okay, people. So all you health nuts who eat pounds of cornbread every day cause I'm nutritionalist, told you it was healthy for you. It was a vegetable. Yeah, well, sorry. You better be putting candles in and start singing happy birthday cause it's a cake. No, no, no.

No, no, no no no corporate's cake all right I like that you guys ready for that last new no no let's do no no new no no Goldilocks and the three bears not an appropriate bedtime story right Scary too scary mm-hmm No no No elucidation upon why what happened to good night mood now? I'm done He took us on a ride there I'm peeved I peeved, guys. He's so cheesed off. He's so cheesed off. He's so cheesed.

Miffed. How do you come up with your no-nos? Well, I'll go out into the world, and I just let the gripes come. What a great way to live. Are you actually angry at any of these things? No. I like to think what I think makes people angry. And then I like to think of what the solutions they'd most like. Right.

You're a pretty easygoing guy. Yes. Yes. Yeah, nothing really ever gets you angry in your personal life. Except for texting during movies. Oh, I heard that one. No, no, no. So that one was real. No, that's an old no-no.

No, no, no. That's an old no-no. We heard that no-no. All right, Paul Russ, thank you so much. Thank you. Can you stick around for the rest of the show? I guess. Oh, that does it stop.

What? Is it something you said? Hey, what can I say? I'm peeved. The man is vexed. All right, let's take another break. When we come back, we'll have more Paul Russ, more Gerard Carmichael, more Marissa Wampler, more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

Womp it up. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back with Gerard Carmichael, Marissa Wampler, and Paul Russ who just, man, he hit us with some truth. He truth bombed us. Yeah, yeah. People think I'm crazy, but I just point out the crazy things people do. People love you for it. I got my fans, they're all maniacs, but I love them. You also have Bill Maher's haircut.

Yeah, when did you get that? Which is like a medieval type of, like, Because specifically I have Bill Maher's barber Oh, you do that's how that oh, that's interesting. I Love his hair and I looked around yeah some questions and I found out who his barber is It's only three hour drive, but it's worth it. Yeah, it's in Bill Maher's a house. It's in his house Yeah, at Vista del Bill Maher Vista Del Mar. Vista Del Mar.

And he lets people cut. I made a mistake. I actually went to the comedian Del Mar's house the first time. We've all been there. Not a good haircut. We've all been there. His barbers, not so good.

Oh, no. But yeah, as much as possible, I'm trying to style myself. Smart. Osmar. He is a sexual man. Hair, suits. Yeah. myself. Osmar. He is a sexual man. Hair suits. Yeah. Yeah.

Khakis. I noticed you have a mancanical pencil down there. Were you hard for most of your new no-no's? I kept pushing the little thing at the bottom of the mancanical pencil that makes it extend. The top of my pubes. And then at the tip of my penis comes out. A little piece of graphite. Great. And I tried to use it once on my SATs and it didn't

work. No. I don't think using your penis on any sort of test. I don't know. Oh, test. New no-no. New no-no. New no-No. If you've got to study for a test, then I should be allowed to study for all your tests. OK. I'm going to take all your tests for you. OK. That sounds great. These new No-No's really work.

How does that feel? Good. That feels good. No, it feels good. You could probably use it. Ooh, that stings. No, it doesn't sting. Did you graduate high school, though?

No. I don't know whether you would want him to take your test. I graduated from the school of Marr. Mm. Marr. Marvelous comedy, Bill Marr. Oh, OK. Bill Marr.

Yeah. Marvelous. Oh, that's so fantastic. That should be his new special. Gerard, what do you think of that style of comedy? Bill Maher? Is it too confrontational? Paul Rust?

Paul Rust? Oh, Paul Rust? It spoke to me, honestly. Like I felt when you were talking, I felt like you were saying the things that I want to say, but I'm not afraid. You're too afraid. Yeah, but I'm too afraid to say. Does it get scary?

Like I feel like I intruded in your headspace like I some transcribed your yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was it was it was like who's are you like are you following me that type of feeling? He is following you. On Twitter yeah Oh okay, that's good. What's your Twitter again by the way so everyone can follow you? Are people gonna do it? I'm gonna tweet back at people. Okay. Yeah, what is it? I forget wait. Oh notorious Okay, yeah, what is it? I forget. Wait, oh, Notorious R.O.D. Notorious R.O.D. For Gerard. Yeah, I had that like handle, that was like my AOL instant messenger screen name.

Right. And like, before you were born even. Oh, I, yes. Yeah, before you were born, of course. You don't remember AOL, right? It was a thing before you were born. No, it sounds horrible. You've got mail. Well, it was...

It was pretty funny, right? Yeah, I really forgot I read that. It sounds horrible. You've got mail. Well, it was pretty funny, right? It was how you communicated with your friends. You, you know, logged into AIM. And if you ever wanted to make one of your friends laugh, you would say, You've got mail. You've got mail. That's pretty good.

That didn't seem like a laugh. That seems more like you're having a seizure. That joke keeps like hummus. It was a laughter. It keeps like hummus. Yeah, I love to hear about the olden days, guys. Why don't you keep talking while I take a brief nap. Jerrod, why are you so afraid in your comedy?

I've been meaning to ask that. Why, I mean, you're only a 24-year-old kid, so you're still afraid to say stuff like Paul, but... Well, yeah. What is it about fear? Why are you so afraid? Well, I mean... You're a fear-based comic, right?

Yeah. Well, the thing is, it's like, right? Yeah. Well the thing is it's like Texting I'm not gonna who's gonna who covers that? Mm-hmm You know who's speaking who's saying that? Yeah, it's funny that you guys talk about fear cuz like when I start getting scared when I'm making a joke I know I'm doing something right. Yeah Yeah, that needs to go. How do you face it though? How do you just? It's funny.

When I get to the punch line, that's what eases it. You curl up into a little ball. Oh wow. Right? And you start crying. I cry and then the tears run onto a piece of paper and they sort of form like a, what are those called? The tests with the...

A Rorschach? A Rorschach. It's a tear Rorschach. That's another test you can use your penis on, by the way, to create one. I only see man-canical pencils in my Rorschach. Man-canical. Now is it true also that you listen to whale music when you're writing most of your jokes? You love the Bel beluga whale. Yeah, I love it, but I had heard that I'd read that about you Well there in fortune magazine a lot of people think Lenny Bruce was sort of the original like truth-teller

But yeah whales were yeah, the whales were the original. Yeah Sayers of comedy. Yes, okay What how many issues of Forbes magazine were you on the cover of? I think they did you for a whole year, right? Well, it was like, oh. You had a column. It was like, oh. You had a column. It was a front cover column. Yes. They put it on the front of the sidebar. And the column was, new no-nos. Right, always. You guys, that's a... That's your signature bit. Sort of my signature bit.

Yeah, we heard it. We heard it a little earlier. Yes, that's right. Yeah, okay. Wait, did you forget that it happened? New no-no. No, we've heard them all. Oh, God.

We've heard them all. I think you don't have any more new no-nos. Okay. Okay, good. Uh, Marissa? Yes? Back to you for a second. What else are you doing this summer?

I know you always have a lot of activities going on. You volunteer at the library. Yes. Well, I'll be taking some trips. Hmm. Vacation? Family vacays? Family vacays.

Who's your mother again? Uh, why? Uh, no reason. I just just we've talked about it. She's not single, so don't. I know, she's with Seth. With Seth, right? Yes. Yeah.

My mom, my mom's name is Diane. Okay. Um, she's a cardiologist. Mmm. Seth is an eye surgeon. So they're both doctors, they're not home very often. Um, Diane, I call her Diane. Good. Diane and I call her Diane. Good.

Diane and I have- When did you start that, by the way? When I was four years old. Okay. They're a mother thing. Diane and I have a complicated relationship. The only time we really bond is when we are at a DSW shoe warehouse. And I have been kicked out of a lot of cars on my way home and been forced to walk home.

Forced to use those shoes. Yeah, because I have a smart mouth. Yeah. So Diane and I are working. Hey, you wait 10 years. It's going to start paying off. Yeah, right? Boom.

Take it from us comedians. Boom. And you guys have a life I'm definitely aspiring to, let me tell you. I'm pretty sure Scott sleeps in this place. You do, don't you? I do. Every once in a while.

You take these blankets off the wall and you make a pad out of them and you sleep like a... We take late night shows here and then early shows. Just, you know, I mean, why bother to take the five minutes to go home? Sure, sure. It's like Motown. It's like Hitsville in here. Yeah, it is.

Yeah, yeah, the sound of Young America. The sound of Young Amer... So yeah, we're going to take some trips up to Santa Barbara, to the wine country. Now is it just you, Diane, Seth, and Lisler? Does she come along? Well, Lisler doesn't technically come along. She just follows? But she has shown up at certain B&Bs.

Which she says is a coincidence, but I don't think that's true. Wait, B&B? Bed and breakfast. Oh. And it's her right to be at these places. Yeah, of course. She's paid the money. Sure.

But yeah, and that can get a bit awkward. Diane doesn't care for Listler. Oh, OK. Does Seth know who she is? Oh, yes, if you remember from the last episode where they had an incident. Oh, yeah, the whole don't turn around at the refrigerator incident. They would like me to not. That was a yeah, the whole, the don't turn around at the refrigerator incident. So neither of them, they would like me to not-

That was a standoff that lasted six hours or so where he was naked at the refrigerator. She showed up and ordered him to turn around and he would not turn around. And he wouldn't do it. For six hours until she got tired and fell asleep. It got really weird. So they don't see, but again, you know, I did, did your parents ever when you were younger, not like one of your friends?

And were they always right? Yeah. Yeah. What? Pretty much. Most of the time. Well, then I'm sorry I asked that question because they're not right about Lisler.

So anyway, I don't care what Diane thinks about Lisler. That's just, you know, she's going to have to deal with it. I didn't like Seth, but he moved in. He's part of your life now. He's family. Yeah. And you know, he took my room and I had to move into the office. Wait, why?

So Diane and Seth sleep apart? Yeah, because like- Snoring? Yeah. Well, Seth has sleep apnea. Okay. But also they say that it keeps their love making fresh. Oh, okay. Always constantly having to go.

Yeah, different rooms. They like take a, Diane will pack an overnight bag. Oh. And pretend she's sleeping over. Some Lunchables. Again, this isn't what, yeah. Snacks. More like dinnerables at that time of night. So, you know. Midnight snackables for me. Yeah, sure. New no-no. Is that a new no-no? Let's call Lunchables Midnight Snackables. Okay, good. It's a good new no-no. Call it what it is. At any rate, so that's

what we're going to be doing that and then I'll be Where did the office go if you had to move into the office? Well, the office doesn't have a door or a wall. Or walls. A curtain? It's a condo so it's like two plus a den so I'm sleeping in that den now. Can I ask you a question? Sure. Do you find it a little strange that both of your parents are doctors but like you stay in like a condo? I mean I would just imagine that. What's wrong with a condo?

No I mean okay there's nothing wrong with a condo. Especially in Marina Del Rey. The interest rates right now are really at an all-time low. They're like, they're busy doctors, like they're surgeons. Yeah, yeah, and this is... You don't find it a little strange that you feel like they're doing this. That they don't have a room for you? Yeah. Not until I've thought about it now.

Not just a condo, but an inefficient condo. A condo without all the space. You're right, why can't they get a three bedroom? Yeah. At the very least. I mean you would think on the surgeon's side. Sounds like they have a two bedroom and a den situation going on. They have a two plus den.

It's almost as if... It's only 1,100 square feet. How many baths? One and a half. One and a half, oh my gosh. And I have to use the half bath. There's no shower in there. No, I have to do like a stuff. You have to take the horse. Yeah, it's time to start questioning. What are you talking about? It's a term. You're right. You know what, I get the sense that Seth and Diane want to feel like they don't have children. Does that make sense?

No, you don't think so, Paul. It's true. I say that, that's not. Are you sure, Paul? What was your situation growing up? Well, families, you know, that's the new terrain for me. That's the, you know, I do a lot of things of. You're delving into that side.

Are you doing family counseling? Mainly for the benefit of my new no-nos. Yeah. New no-no. Okay. If you're my dad, then, Mainly for the benefit of my new no-nos. Yeah. New no-no. OK. If you're my dad, then I should be able to make you my son. OK. Thanks, no-son.

If you call me son, then I should be able to adopt you and call you son. Good lord. Raise you. Sure. Support you. Sure. Feed and clothe you.

New no-no. Dad's the son now. OK. I like it. Do you hear the truth in his voice? My god. I'm afraid. I'm afraid right now.

Me too. I have closed off body language. I'm about to curl a little ball. I'm just worried people are going to take up my crazy ideas. And actually do them? Implement them, yeah. Are you afraid of that or is that the thing you want most? It wouldn't be good for society.

You know if it happens, it happens. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you think this loon should be running things? No. I mean, I just stand off to the side and make jokes. You and your maniacs. I thought about public office, but yeah, my maniacs would vote for me. I know that.

Of course they would. Leave that to the clowns in Washington. I think you know what? Yeah they're bigger clowns. I think the circus on its travels I know it was going from town to town for a while and I think it made a stop in Washington and... It stayed there. It stayed there. Yeah exactly that's what I'm trying to say.

Yeah yeah. Because clowns are running long. Yeah well to continue the train theme I think when they were handing out brains, I'm not for sure about this, but I believe some of those politicians thought they were saying trains. And they said, no, we already have trains. We don't need brains. We don't need trains.

So keep going. Keep going with the brains. Keep, move on. Because we have trains. Because we as politicians have trains already. No no no! Oh you have a new no no no? Hey that's copyrighted.

So is wobbin' up. It's my, it's Dennis Miller's got his rants. Yeah. Bill Maher's got his new rules Yeah, and I got my new Nellie's No, no, I'm sorry. No, can we get that out? It's that new Nellie's? We'll cut it out. Don't worry. Oh boy. That was close one. Wow It's really close boy, so sorry he almost lost everything

He almost lost his fortune. He almost lost his fortune. He almost lost his fortune. Like the empire was starting to crumble. Yeah. You could see it. New no-nos. It's new no-nos. Oh, god.

How many times do you have to repeat it in the morning when you wake up to yourself? I say it about 10, 12 times the first thing when I wake up. And then about. And a weed-whacking session. Then you weed-whack it out. But then what happens with the old? Are they they like are they written are they where the new I like? What do I do with the old no-no? Yeah? How do you recycle your old no-no?

Yeah, a lot of it helps you know a lot of the old stuff You know like CB stuff can now be made into Twitter You know so I mean the no-no's that you used to do on CB radio? Wait, to truckers? A lot of my new no-nos about CB radios can now easily be Twitter. So before it was like, new no-no, if you love CB so much, then I should be allowed to have many CB radio stations in my house. What happens when- Now I can say, new no-no, you have Twitter, I should be able to have Twitter in my house. What happens when... Now I can say, new no-no, you have Twitter, I should be able to have Twitter in my house. What happens when a no-no keeps like coming up, like it

keeps presenting itself like an aggravated no-no? If a no-no isn't solved, what is the statute of limitations on a no-no? Like if it's not solved in two years, what happens? Well, I'd like to say I know what happens, but I'm proud to say that every new no-no I have, it gets implemented. And within two years, I've eradicated the problem. You've eradicated the no-no. Wow. So it rarely rears its head again.

CB radio died because of my new no-nos. Wow. Good for you. And also you buying them all up and putting them in your house. Keep it in my house. Yeah, there's a shortage. Wow, interesting stuff. All right, guys, well, I think we just have time for one more segment on the show,

and it's a little something we call, Would You Rather? That reminds me of Game of Thrones. Shut it. But seriously, it doesn't remind me of you. Shut, shut, shut your mouth. Your other theme is in me. Shut, shut, shut your mouth. Would you rather theme is in progress? Shut up. Game of Thrones!

Shh! Jesus Christ, Marisa. This is the new game of Thrones. Ugh, fuck. I am gonna disinvite you if you keep talking to her. Okay, I won't, I won't, I won't. ["The New Game of Thrones Theme"] All right, it's time to play Would You Rather. I want, I want, I want. Alright, it's time to play Would You Rather. Here's the present.

And we all know how this is played. Yeah. Let's do it. Alright, people send me Would You Rather scenarios at our Twitter, which is CBBWYR, comedy bang bang Would You Rather. And I read them on the show and then I'll open the floor for questions. You can ask me any question you like about either of the scenarios in order to narrow down your choice. I have all the information about either of them here in my head and then I'll ask you

to vote and we'll tally up the points. And Marissa, since you talked during the theme, you're starting at negative 162. I didn't know there was a know! There was a rule! There was a rule? New no no! If you can't talk during the theme, then I get to have your radio station! Marissa, I actually have some people write for me, so if you want to just like, submit some new no no. Sounds like a great hobby for you. I'd love to come over to your house, have some time with you in Brain Jam. Brain Jam. Yeah, weed whack and brain jam it I should tie with you in brain jam. Brain jam. Yeah. Weed whack it, brain jam it. Oh, boy. Yeah.

Whacking weeds, jamming brains. Today's new no-no comes to us from, oh, no, this is a would-you-rather scenario. Oh, see, he's already stealing your shit. Easy there. Today's comes to us from Phil Ruddich, or Rudech. Phil Rudech. He asks, would you rather have a bathroom radar that makes you aware of when everyone around you

needs to use the bathroom or work in a restaurant in which twice a day you chop your fingers off and they're served in fancy meals? All right. Would you rather have a bathroom radar that makes you aware of when everyone around you needs to use the bathroom or work in a restaurant in which twice a day you chop your fingers off and they're served in fancy meals. Alright, I'm opening the floor for questions. Okay. Alright, Jerrod, right off the bat. How invasive is the radar? Oh, meaning what's the perimeter? Yeah, like, is it like, you know how like when people can read minds but then it becomes overwhelming? Like, is it, is it

like, like I'm talking about for me, like, like if you had to go right now, is it a constant alert? This is not a mental radar, by the way. This is a radar. Oh, on my phone? Like an app? I mean, eventually they'll invent that, yeah, but currently it's just a large kind of machine that you have to carry around with you.

Oh. And, wait. That what does it do? It pings every time someone around you in, and let's say it's a five mile radius. Anytime anyone in a five mile radius has to use the bathroom. So it just kind of goes, bing, bing.

And what's the scale? What's the criteria for having to go to a bathroom? Is it just a little bit in the ladder? Because we all kind of have to go right now. Everybody has to go right now. Everybody has to go all the time. All the time. Anytime anyone has the slightest drop of pee.

Oh, well then that's, it's a non, it's just a long beep. It's a constant din of beeping. Yeah, the beeps are like five minute beeps for each person. Yeah. That's constant. That's gonna be constant beeping. That's torture. But the people around you can't hear this

because you're forced to wear headphones and only you can hear it. Oh, well that's gonna cut down. So OK. But there are, I mean, are there political social gains around you can't hear this because you're forced to wear headphones and only you can hear it. Oh, well that's gonna cut down. So you have to, so okay. But there are, I mean are there political social gains that can be made in knowing somebody's ... Oh, always thinking to the future. Yes, you are able to come out, you have a blog that says who has to go to the bathroom

at any given time. Okay. Stephanopoulos has to take a shit. Yeah, it really brings down a lot of high-powered people. Here's the question, are they, the headphones, are they like these? Are they smaller? Can you see them? Are they earbuds in other words?

Are they earbuds? No, they're actually built into a giant Afro wig. Oh. So no one knows you have headphones on. So, okay. They just think that you have a giant Afro wig. Can I also play? Can I?

It's a rainbow Afro wig, by the way. Just like the John 316 guy. Oh wow. Yeah. Wow. Can I play music in these headphones? You can try to play music in the headphones. You're not able to hear it because of the long beep. Because of the beeps. Yeah, I didn't know is there a way to kind of use the beeps and sort of a mash-up way? The only song that you're able to audibly hear is the Pussycat Dolls beep song. So, Oh wow.

What about that old 60s song, the beep beep car traffic song? Oh yeah, Amanda, you can hear that song. Good, because that's all I listen to. Oh good, so this situation might work out. Now, onto the... Oh, wait, go ahead. When you cut off your fingers, do they grow back the next day? They grow back right before you have to cut them off again.

So do you spend some time with no fingers? 23 hours and 45 minutes with no fingers. OK, because that could really ruin your wheat wacking session. That's true. It's very hard to hold a weed wacker. Very hard to hold a wheat wacker and have a weed wacker. That's going to play into yours. When the fingers grow back, is it a painful experience?

Is it like when Wolverines... Wolverines come out? Or is it like Spider-Man, like, you know, with the lizard technology, and it's just like, oh, my finger. I didn't feel that it was... Is it disgusting, like a fetus finger? Right. Yeah.

You don't grow your final layer of epidermis until right so you have about 14 minutes Where it's like kind of slimy, and it's it's hard to touch anything because Yeah, you have to work. You have to cut it off for the is it in the dish Yeah, you know you serve it in the dish So you have to work in the kitchen so you're constantly having to touch hot things with these Fingers that don't have the layer of the ground. Who eats your fingers? I mean, is it kings?

Is it? It's George Stephanopoulos and other political figures. Oh, and he shits them out? Yeah, he shits them out. Do they want? I've heard of finger foods. Do you get to chew these? No, no, no!

No, no, no. Finger foods should be hand foods. Pick them up with your hands, what are you? Yeah, quit picking up foods with your fingers and pick them up with your hands, people. Yep, great new no-no. Yeah, I like that. Oh, this is, you know, I would do the beeps.

Oh, you voted early. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to dock you another 162 points. Currently you're at negative three, Can I say, Marissa? You are... 324. You make all the mistakes that I'm about to make. Like, you're like that car that's speeding on the highway. You're welcome.

That's just Lauren State Troopers. You're right. Flames is a highway. I want to ride it all night long. How do you know that? No, Gerard? How do you know that song? Or Van Morrison.

I heard it on an Oldies station. For oldies, like you. Any other questions about either of the scenarios here? Where's this, what's the restaurant? Applebee's. Or. Do people enjoy? Applebee's 2. No, it's actually Applebee's 4.

Ooh, good chicken fingers. Yeah, Applebee's IV. Do people enjoy eating the food? No, they hate it. They are forced, are they like, oh my god, there's a finger in here, and then they get really upset with you? They eat it first. They're mainly concerned with the fingernails.

That's really gross. That can't be digested. Yeah, the fingers themselves are delicious, but the fingernails are kind of gross. So they get ticked off that they have eaten a finger? They get real peeved and vexed that they've had to eat the fingers. I mean I guess it's a benefit that if you are the ones who are cutting off your fingers you don't have to pull your fingernails off before cutting them off.

That seems to be a nice benefit. That would be an extra bit of pain. It would be really bad if you were forced to de-fingernail yourself. De-claw yourself everywhere. So what about the $23.45 without fingers? The $15. Yeah. Because I mean, I guess you also have to get new appliances.

It's a very expensive lifestyle. How much am I making as a chef? What's your take home pay at the end of that? Because am I able to afford it? Take home after taxes? Yeah, after I'm not able to take home after taxes Certainly you don't need money for gloves You know no gloves should be mittens Some of them are Quite a back mittens. What the last time you saw a mitten? Quite often.

Yeah, I see a lot. What do you got against mittens? Your take home is... It's pretty big. It's approximately $27,000 a year. So you're making less than the people that are consuming your things. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're rich people. They're very wealthy people. To be able to afford fingers. Yeah. Exactly. It's a delicacy. Yeah, it is yeah, yeah. They're rich people, yeah. They're very wealthy people. To be able to afford fingers, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's a delicacy. Yeah, it is a delicacy. Yeah, and- Does it hurt when you cut them off? Oh, yeah. It hurts more than anything you've- Oh, see, yeah.

Anything other than when they grow back and you're forced to touch hot pots without- With fetus fingers. Yeah, exactly. With slimy- Slimy zygote fingers. Zygote. Zygote fingers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slimey. Zygotes. Zygotes. Zygotes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly, yeah. Um, alright, any other questions here before we... No? Alright, I'm gonna close up the floor here. Alright, um, Jerrod, how do you like to vote? Uh, absolutely, uh, the, the beeps. The beeps? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. And why is that? The radar for the bathroom. Absolutely. Absolutely. I try and use, I mean, I would, I mean, in comparison, it's really, it's, it's, I mean, I actually think it'd be kind of cool to have that insight. Mm-hmm. You know, and to be, and to be able to just, you know, walk up to a woman, and that's like a great icebreaker. If I can hear what she says. Or you're crowning? Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like, hey, I know

something about you. But she, but you like, hey, I know something about you. I know something about you. That's what a woman likes to hear, right? As a pickup line? Women love that. Here's the thing. First of all, if I approach you like that, I don't need to hear what she says back to me because the only sound You won't hear it. The only sound that's going to be made is the sound of her panties dropping. Do you hear what I'm saying? Yeah, I hope your Aunt Sherry isn't listening to this

because she'd be very upset. She doesn't listen to my work, she just manages it. I see. Male listeners out there. A typical manager. Am I right? No, no. No, no, no.

Managers. Managers should write your material. In addition to listening to it, they should write it all. Yeah. Yeah. So if you're a male listener or even a female listener out there and you're coming on to a woman out there, this weekend I'd love to hear you say, I know something about you. I think that would be an amazing, like here's the thing, the benefit is that what you know

is that they have to go to the bathroom right now. They don't know that. Follow it up with that by the way. Follow it up with that. If you're at a bar and you go up to approach a woman and say, hey, I know something about you. Hey. And they'll be intrigued and they say, well, what do you mean?

You go, you need to go to the bathroom right now. As a matter of fact, you can even shorten it. Just you walk up, you smile and you say, I know. I know. And then, you guys, you know, years down the line, if you break up, you can have a whistle. I knew something about you. Yeah.

Yeah. Just know that I knew. All right, so Jerrod, you vote for the... For knowing, I vote for knowing. For knowing, all right. Yeah. Yeah, vote for knowing. How about that?

Vote for knowledge. You have to word it like pro-life. I vote for knowing, Scott. Okay, all right, wow, that's deep. All right, Marissa, how do you like to vote? I'm going to go with the radar as well. I really have a very low tolerance for pain. Another vote for knowledge. Yeah, another vote for knowledge. Okay.

Yeah, that's it. And the fact that you have legs that you have to cut off every day that regrow in a more painful way than the fingers in the other scenario where. Wait, what do you mean the legs? Well, you never asked about it. What? But yeah, you have legs that you have to cut off every day.

In the radar scenario? Yeah, yeah. So that doesn't bother you. No, it does bother me. I want to redo. I'm sorry, you can't redo. We gotta do a do-over. See, that's why I always know how to go first.

I'm doing it over. I need how to go first. You can't just sing the beginning T. No, you can't redo. See, that's why I always know how to go first. I'm doing it over. I need her to go first. You can't just sing the beginning C. Yes, I can. I have to retake the entire show. All right. Man, well now I. Sorry, but you can't revote.

Paula, how do you like to vote? I'm going to go with cutting off the fingers. All right, and why is that? You know, I wouldn't be able to stand those beeps, you know? Because I already got to listen to beeps every day. You know? Cause of your favorite song. And that's enough.

That's enough beeps. Cause you know, you get the beep, beep, beep of those Washington fat cats in your ear one minute. And then the beep, beep, beep of corporate whores like Donald Trump beeping in your ear. So I got enough beeps, man. I don't know if I follow that. All right Well, let's tally up the points Marissa you you started at negative 344 that's not good

Did I make up any of those? And then you wrote a hundred and eighty four tweet You're never hundred and forty two hundred and eighty no no no oh man oh god what what new no no where are you fuck you math that's what I would say if you do math all right so I'm not doing well so you're not doing well but you did vote for the correct scenario. Oh, I did? Which gives you 500 points. Oh, so I'm up.

You're up, but, Gerard, you also voted for the correct scenario, so you're up to 500 total, which eclipses yours. And Paul, I'm sorry you didn't vote for the correct scenario, so you're still at zero. So Gerard, you're our winner. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you very much. And that is, of course, how you play Would You Rather.

Well earned. You're our winner. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you very much. And that is of course how you play would you rather well-earned Oh, Gerard, I'm sorry you laughed during the theme. You have to take your victory away from you. Marissa, you're our winner! Are you serious? I'm a champ! Marissa, congratulations. Oh, sorry, Gerard.

You're not allowed to laugh on comedy podcasts, Gerard. Sorry. Sorry, man. Sorry. All right, let's shut it down here. That's all we have time for, guys. Sorry. Sorry, man. Sorry. All right. Let's shut it down here. That's all we have time for guys. Congratulations. We just have our last thing, which is of course, plugs. P-L-U-G-S. P-L-U-G-G-S. Plugs! P L U G G S.

Plugs! Oh, I like that. That was Slot Pokermans Plugs by Ryan Inman. That was really good. If you have a similar theme or even dissimilar theme for the What's Up Hot Dog Memorial Plugs section, please go head over to wearewolf.com, under the Comedy Bang Bang message boards,

put it in the appropriate thread, and you can be famous for a week. And Ryan Inman, you are famous for this week, and this week only. You will be a nobody come Monday. But thanks, Ryan. Andraud, you were signaling you wanted to say something before plugs.

Oh, no, it wasn't important. I just lost all my points. I just wanted to say fuck everybody. Oh. Oh, great. Thanks. Thanks for that. Thank you.

God. He was so nice at the beginning. Yeah. But that's before you took my points away. Oh. Jara, what do you want to plug? What do you got coming up, sir? Uh, it's a great question, Scott. Uh, I'll be around, you guys. You guys should come out. Any dates coming up? Where can people see you? I mean, we're supposed to watch you all year. Where do we do that? Uh, where am I going to be next? I'll be at like the clubs and-

Ralph's getting your groceries. I'm gonna email Scott and do comedy bang bang. Okay, so you're mainly in LA. Do you travel a lot? Oh, you know what? I'm doing, it'll be fun. I'm doing a show, do a couple shows with Aziz this weekend.

Ah, it comes out after that. Ah. Meaning this weekend? Yeah. It comes out on Monday. Oh, God, yeah, okay. I got nothing. Okay! All right.

I got nothing. Good luck trying to see Gerard Carmichael. Hey, you know, good luck everybody. Way to squander all that goodwill. I got nothing. Rust, what do you got? I have a monthly sketch show at the UCB, the first Wednesday of every month with my group of kids from Daddy.

We got a show with the birthday boys. And then every Thursday at 11 at the UCB in LA, my improv team, last day of school. Do you know my Twitter? At Paul Rust. Oh yeah, people can figure that out. Whompler, what's happening? Whomp it up! Okay, well, I'm going to be's happening? Whomp it up! Okay, well, I'm gonna be planning

that special Whomp it Up podcast. How long is the planning stage going to take us? It could be six to eight months. And then we have a transition team. And then there's a transition team, and then, well, yeah, I'm gonna have to get some plastic surgery before it. Why is that?

Just because things are gonna blow up for me, and I wanna be ready for it. You wanna be prepared, yeah. Just like The Bachelor, the woman who went on The Bachelor, she made sure she got all that done. She prepped. Yeah, she prepped, exactly. So we'll let you know how that goes. I thought you only watched PBS. Oh, oh yeah, I do, but sometimes they did a frontline about it. And then Friday nights I like to go to a show at the UCB called Soundtrack. You bring your iPods and people improvise to it.

So I like to go and I bring my beats, you know, whatever fresh beats that I've discovered. Not beeps. Not beeps. Not the beeping that of course, like political fat cats. And that's it. That's it for me. Otherwise, I'm pretty much just going to rejuvenate. All right. I want to plug this Comedy Bang Bang TV show this Friday. This is a really

great one. We have Ed Helms. Bob Duca is on the show this weekend. The crew from Jimmy Pardo is never not funny. Harris Whittles may be holding a phone on the show this Friday, plus some other super secret guest stars. This is actually one of our favorite shows. It really came together in a great way. So that's Friday at 10, nine central on IFC. Also want to plug the tour. I'm coming to a town near you. Coming up, starting in Minnesota and Chicago,

we're going to have Matt Besser and James Adomian out there. Then we go to Seattle, Portland and San Francisco. That will be Paul of Tompkins, James Adomian out there. Then we go to Seattle, Portland and San Francisco. That will be Paul F. Tompkins, James Adomian, myself, and Kurt Braunhauer joins the tour at that point, the host of IFC's Bunk. Then we're doing LA. That one has Andy Daly, Nick Kroll, James Adomian, Kurt Braunhauer, Harris Whittles, more.

That's gonna be a really fun one. Then we're going out to, then I start with Tim Heidecker. We're going out to Boston, New York, Philly, DC. We have some great shows with some special guest stars out there. And then we go to Vancouver for a really interesting one. I hope to see you out there on the tour. Plus, next week I'll have info on how you can order the shows to listen to them or order the podcast portion of the shows. We're doing more than just the podcast on the tour, but we'll have some info about that next week. Also, I want to shout out to the donor.

We have Luke Bovard. He donated $200 to your Wolf. Thank you so much, Luke. You're a star. Really appreciate it. Bovard. And that's it, gang. We're gonna close up the old plug bag.

Let's close it up. Closing up the plug bag. Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. Closing up the plug bag. Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong. Closing up the plug bag. Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong. All right, the plug bag is closing. Guys, thank you so much.

This has been a really fascinating show. Paul Rust. Thank you for letting me get some stuff off my chest, Scott. I always appreciate it. Gerard, we're going to be watching you all year, buddy. Somewhere. Get some dates. Get some, do something.

And Marissa. Marissa, good luck with that party in the hummus. Thank you. Hope it keeps. Fingers crossed, guys. All right, and we'll see you next week. Thanks, everyone. Bye bye.