Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: John Hodgman, Jon Gabrus, Lauren Lapkus, D’Arcy Carden (Totally Todd)

Episode Date: August 22, 2024

This is part 6 of our Totally Todd series. Humorist John Hodgman is this week’s guest supreme as he joins Scott and intern Gino Lambardo to talk about John’s new book “Vacationland,” Thanksgiving plans, and how buying a boat at an auction became the talk of the town. Then, Scott’s nephew Todd stops by to ask for help with his homework on how America started. Plus, former educator Caroline Belinda-Carlisle returns to the show to perform scenes from some of the shows she’s auditioned for as an actor.

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here. Welcome to the sixth and final episode in this Bonus Bang series. Bonus Bangs, of course, are episodes we have previously recorded that we are taking out from behind the paywall and letting you listen to. And this series is called Totally Todd, where we revisit the journey my nephew Todd, played by Lauren Lapkus, has made on the show, and we are re-releasing Bing Bong Goodbye with John Hodgman, John Gabris as Gina Lombardo, Lauren Lapkus as Todd, and Darcy Carden as Caroline Belinda Carlisle. This episode was released on November 20th, 2017.

It's a great episode. Stone Cold Classic, SEC. Fun way to wrap up a very fun series. I've really enjoyed this. Next week, we're gonna have a new themed series of Bonus SEC. Fun way to wrap up a very fun series. I've really enjoyed this. Next week, we're gonna have a new themed series of Bonus Bang. Make sure to check it out. And of course, if you like what you hear,

and you want to hear the entire CBB Archive, you can become a subscriber at cbbworld.com, where you can find every single episode we've ever recorded, as well as every single live episode. We're gonna be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang. I may be ostracized for being ostrich-sized, but I'm no loon, so don't be a dodo or I'll get owly welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Hmm, interesting. Thanks to Ironic Merman. Seems like he would be trafficking within catchphrases of the deep sea rather than of the air but thanks to him. He's going against brand. Can we take that again? You spiked on deep sea. I spiked... Audio spike. Oh okay I thought I thought you were saying I spiked a football or something. No no no no that would affect the sound as much as your audio spike. Okay you want me to take this again? Not the whole thing, because, God forbid, I'm not listening to that fucking thing again. Okay, where do you want me to start from then?

Just hit me from just the part that you spiked on. Well, I'm sorry, I don't know what word that was. I think you said mer-man. Okay, mer-man. Did we get that drop? Hold on one second. Again. Mer-man. Perfect. Okay, good. Got it. Thank you, Gino. Hey, no problem drop? Hold on one second. Again. Merman. Perfect.

Okay, good. Got it. Thank you, Gino. Hey, no problem. Welcome to Comedy Banker. And I gotta go, okay? You're leaving now? Wait, we just started the show.

I got a flight to catch. Wait, you just caught a flight, you just got off the airplane, and walked in the studio. It was cheaper to have a one hour layover in LA. Oh shit, I'm so tired. Okay, you spiked during LA. Can we get a drop?

Yeah, clean one, please. L-A get a drop? Yeah, clean one please. L. A. Too much. Yeah, way too much. Half that. Half that. LA. Ooh, boy. Split the diff. L. A. Okay, got it. Good diff split. Good. Possibly, boy, this is a mess.

Actually, we need one with possibly. Oh, sorry. Okay. Possibly the best diff split in the history of Possibly's. Welcome to the show for another edition of Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Ackerman, I'm your host, and we are deep in Navi Doggy, of course. There's no dispute about that. In fact, the good old Turkey Day, just coming up here on Thursday. So that's exciting.

We'll talk to our guests about what their plans are and to whom they are giving thanks. But before we get to that, I want to say hello to all of our listeners out there around the world. Okay, check. You were not, because you said you mentioned something

about doing individual hellos to every listener around the world. I don't have time to do half a million hellos. I fucking Googled how to say hello in like 11 languages. Okay, go ahead. I'll give you 10. I wrote them down and put them in front of you. Uh oh.

Are they not there? Who fucked me? Chain of custody. That Kevin character. I think it's, yeah, I think it's Chef Kevin. Chef Kevin. Out there trying to put him into recipes around the world. This motherfucker pushing his agenda on us all.

Yeah, speaking of pushing an agenda, I want to say hello to every, oh no, I did that already. This motherfucker pushing his agenda on us all. Yeah speaking and pushing an agenda I want to say hello to every oh no I did that already so let's say hello to our guests first of all Gino are What do I call you? I'm not the engineer. I'm an intern, but I do do some light board work, right? Yes, very light because actually we have you're nowhere near the board. It's near Cody Sam over here actually doing his duties I'm just keeping out for the sound speeds. There's no audio spikes. And action whenever you're ready, Scott. Start it up.

OK, so this is please get rid of everything before this because this has been the worst episode we've ever done so far. I'm going to take a pass at this and drop everything out that I say. Everything that you say? Yeah, everything. Because I'm just, I'm just. Wait, we're going to look crazy.

No, you're not. Don't react to me. Wait, that was a reaction! What do I do? Well, we'll insert some other thing that you guys laughed at, like a YouTube video. Yeah, or a funny sound effect. Yeah, yeah. I got this whistle guy I've been working with. Oh, I thought you meant you've been doing an impression of a whistle guy. Oh, God, no. I wish.

Could you do an impression of, like, a boner or something like that? Yeah, sure. Okay, go ahead. Ugh, fuck. Okay, so just put that in there before us laughing. I didn't hear what you said, Dan. You said you wanted me to do an impression of a boner coming? I did laugh at that, but I'd like you to drop out my laughter.

I don't want to be responsible for your laughter. Okay, so we're going to take all of Jon's laughter out, all of my lines, and it's just going to be Scott screaming at himself for a half hour Yeah, well at least the show is only that's what that's what was happening when I walked in here fair enough Welcome to the show. It's not like this every week I am of course the host and we have our intern Gino over here, but normally on this show This is the show where we talk to interesting people John. I don't know whether you've been on the show Since we've trademarked our catchphrase.

Oh, no. The show where we talk to interesting people. No. Doesn't that sound great? I certainly haven't been on the show since I trademarked my catchphrase. Oh, what is yours? Bing bong, goodbye. Yes, we trademarked.

That was off mic before the show started. But it was officially trademarked. No, no, no, no. Did you mail that to the writer's field? He has a notary public standing next to him. I wrote it in calligraphy. I sealed it with my insignia ring, and mailed it to myself. Let's introduce him. He is our guest supreme, as they say. I don't know who they are. He's one of the aforementioned interesting people.

On the show where we talk to interesting people, he is one of the most interesting. Guest supreme means I come with guacamole and... And that's nacho sauce, whatever it is. Nacho sauce and potato wedges. You mean queso. Queso, yeah, I read the interesting article about the person who invented that. You spiked a little on queso there. Did I?

Okay, let me do it again, all right? And queso. Okay, you got the lisp down. That's great. But he is one of our long-time favorite guests. He's been on the show many times. And he has a new book out, which we'll be discussing, called Vacationland.

HarperCollins? What's that? Print is alive. Print is back. Viking books. And in fact, print is so back that you'll have it all over your fingertips after you read this book. And that is John Hutchman's promise to you. I said to the publisher, I want the ink to be the worst quality ink.

And just sopping wet. I just wanted to, yeah, exactly. Do you have the non-drying ink? Great. Print it that way so that the whole thing looks like a Rorschach. All my work was for nothing, but people will find themselves in it somehow. Doomsday Clock, by the way, out in the comic stores, speaking of Rorschach. I do not recognize any of the Watchmen Universe posts. Alan Moore and Steve Gibbons. Dave Gibbons. Oh my God, I knew I had it wrong. Let me introduce this person.

Hang on, I got to drop this bit. Yeah, drop it back in. Dave Gibbons. You got your cadence perfectly right, by the way. I am myself a podcaster and audio professional. You've listened to my podcast Judge John Hoffman. I thought yes, Judge John Hoffman. We talked about that before. Please welcome back to the show John Hodgman. Hello, John. How are you? I am fantastic. Don't worry about me though. Let us Terry know further. I really wasn't. Let us talk to you about your book Vacationland. You know, you you're an avid reader, right? I'm a big time. Well, I've got cross-country flights like, intermittently, like once every five weeks, sometimes two weeks in a row, but often it sorts out to about once a week. What's your loyalty program? What video game are you playing? What's your miles?

I'm a SkyMile guy. SkyMile? Yeah, let me just tell you something. I'm in a very good mood because as I sat down here, I completed my check-in for my flight to Phoenix tomorrow on my vacation land book tour Congratulations, and I see that I am a 2,000 medallion qualifying miles from Delta Diamond That's what Rick Ross is I'm so close I am so close to where are you? Let me let me look it up you You talk while I look it up. All right, so if you don't know what I'm talking about, they are a sponsor, by the way.

Are they really? Yes, they're a sponsor of this very program. So always nice to hear from them. Hello, Delta. Hello, Delta. But this is not sponsored content. No, this is not branded content. Because I'm in wood.

Y'all, no spawn con, no spawn con. This is for real. You're wood status? I'm wood status. I'm in wood status. Yeah, I no spawn con, no spawn con. This is for real. You're wood status? I'm wood status. I'm in wood status. Yeah, I had bronze, but they knocked me down. They knocked you down to wood? By the way, when you say wood,

drop in that boner coming out. Oh yeah, of course. Oh man. I'm 34,000 miles till diving. I'm not gonna get it. Not this year, I don't think. I don't think. Although-

Unless you get challenged to a race around the world. That's true by Jackie Chan and Steve Coogan. Ideally. Would you like me to challenge you to a race around the world? Alright, go ahead, Jon, please. I'll race you to Phoenix starting this weekend. Stand by, stand by. I have to do this the right way.

Okay. Well, you're taking off your white gloves. That's right. Oh my goodness. He has black gloves on underneath him. Wow. Where's my cape? Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

You're supposed to be a second, Gino! I left it down in the stable. Did you need it, like, in the room? I thought leaving it in your saddle pack would be your best bet. Did you, you left it on my Clydesdale? Yes, of course. Well, I didn't realize. Okay, well.

Me and the Clydesdale I rode in on? Yeah, you ride one of the Budweiser Clydesdales around the country. Do you know what? It's a terrible horse for riding. It's a wagon horse. You're not supposed to be riding it. And it's drunk all the time. It must shatter your perineum trying to ride something like that.

Yeah, well, it's a broad horse. You're nearly in a full split. What I did was I got one of those HGTV tiny houses, and I strapped it on top of it. Oh, pagoda style. Is HGTV a sponsor? They should be, though. Let's give them a shout out.

And then do your boner sound. OK, go ahead, John. Hey, HGTV. Here's Geno. Oh, god. So the first time, it was pleasurable. And the second two times. Well, Scott, I'm not trying to speak from too much experience

here, but the third one is usually a little rough. Usually, yeah. Maybe that's now you're beginning to feel like you have an addiction problem. Have the two of you met before, by the way, John and Gino over here? Gino and I have worked together before when I'm in town. I normally have a professional valet.

Yes. Oh, okay. Or a squire. I thought it was what I thought I was doing because it's a horse and shit. Right, and the guy downstairs almost fucked me. He tucked a little valet tag right in the horse's butthole. I was like no no no I know has no wipers, but this you cannot do this right

I was like why was that your first instinct and you're so casual yeah, and don't you think the eyebrows are the wipers of a horse? Yeah, how big are brows on Clydesdales? I couldn't really take notice. They have big big bushy eyebrows They're really Gallagher style. They're like Groucho Marx. They're the owls of the equine world. That's why they're called that. Guys, before we get to the book, let's talk about Thanksgiving plans because it's this Thursday. So what do we got? Gino, are you flying back to Long Island? Yeah, I'll be flying back to Long Island directly to West Islip Airport. That's why I'm on Delta wood Because you go to that particular only fly to West Islip Airport, which is a private airplane here for So to fly out of pump. It's look I'm not gonna get into it, but big traditional Long Island plans Which is Wednesday night everyone meets him. Okay? He's we get fucking shit hammered off boxes of rocks Which is a bucket of rolling rocks six rolling rock ponies for seven dollars

We get all fucking lit up and out of the weeds and then you wake up and you eat turkey and shrimp cocktail or whatever I don't give a fuck about Thursday, but Wednesday nights the night. Okay, Wednesday is it Wednesday? Bro, that's the night. Mm-hmm. Do you have any sort of is there a Santa Claus character for Thanksgiving Eve? Oh yeah, yeah, of course there's a Santa Claus character. In New Jersey? Or no, I'm sorry, Long Island. Scott! For fuck's sake, dude! Sorry. You made, you...

I think you spiked a little on that one. Can we get that again, please? Sure. Fuck, Scott! Thank you. Okay, listen to me, pal. Alright, I fucking worked my ass off to learn the difference between satellite radio and podcasts. The least you could do is learn the difference.

You've barely done that. I know, well that's another story. What I need is I need a refresher course of like the stops of how to get there. Well if you get there, the best bet is the Babylon Line. That's the one along the south shore of Nassau County. So you're looking at, at that point you're looking at Jamaica, Rockville Center, Baldwin, Freeport,

Merrick, Belmore, Wanto, Seaford, Massapiqu, Massapequa Park, Amityville, Copaig, and Babylon. Copy, copy. That's going east. So if you're going west, it's the reverse order of that, which is subject to the effect of Babylon, Copaig, Amityville, Massapequa Park, Massapequa, Seaford, Wanto, Belmore, Merrick, Freeport, Baldwin, Rockville, Santa, Kew Gardens, and then fucking Jamaica. And I ain't talking about the land of Irie, bro.

I'm talking about Jamaica, Queens. I would love to talk to you about the land of Irie, though. Yeah. I've been meaning to. Ask me any questions. I've been to Jamaica 200 times, but never the country. Let's say you want to go from Montego Bay to, what's another city? Massapequa?

Massapequa, yeah, what are those stops then? I think you have to go Jamaica off the Florida Keys or something like that, is that correct? Perhaps, I don't know. Okay, you gotta get there fast and then you'll take it slow. Got it. Because that's where we all want to go.

Right, right. Down to Kokobo. Way down to Lake Ronkonko. What about you, John, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? We all want to go right right down to cook away down to Lake Ron, Kankama What about you John what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Having it at home in Brooklyn, New York my wife and I are hosting her family. You don't go up to the other house Which which other house? Oh, yes several properties. I've read the book say the address The one the where you find yourself spending a lot of your time now, not your parents' house.

Yeah. So we had a home in rural western Massachusetts that had belonged to my mom, but she passed away and gave it to us. And more recently, that's gone back to my dad now and we are now going up to coastal Maine a lot of the time. Yes, coastal Maine, that's right. Coastal Maine, the painful beaches of coastal Maine. Ball Harbor. Do you ever find yourself draining? I've been there.

Sorry, Kenny Bunkport? Yep, been there. Portland. You have a friend Kenny Bunkport you were telling me about, right? Little Kenny Bunkport is his name. Yeah, he's from the Bunkport family out of Mesa, Piqua. They're great guys. Little Kenny, funny thing, he's not little at all.

Really? Yeah, he's 6 foot 11. Whoa, gosh. He's a freak. He's a fucking freak. The bunk ports are ironists at heart. Yeah, well, because Big Kenny, Little Kenny's dad, is actually really small, so they fucking laugh about that for hours.

Right, yeah. And you don't get it until you see it in person, then you realize what they're all laughing about. Do they ever do one of those trench coat things when they try to buy beer? Yeah, they pretend to be three people, even though they're only two people, because you know, little Kenny's so tall, excuse the whole math.

So you're like, you're averaging about 14 feet tall here, so you must be three. Now we're one person at 6'11 and 4'11. So they're about 6'14 together. What is their name as one person? Oh, I think they call themselves Voltron Some shit like that Voltron Mungport Voltron Mungport So you don't go to Maine you're gonna be broke. It's very very far away sure

But you sometimes go there. Yes, but when we have more time to spend okay Well saying cuz Thanksgiving is one meal as well You have the whole day off you have like that's that's one of the longest holidays You get like part of Wednesday all through Sunday off That's like prime main days looks when you're traveling to Maine by Clydesdale as I do You need to stop at several inns along the way. You know how shattered your pubis would be if you tried to do that ride unbroken The you can break the male hymen Wait, what is the male hymen? Oh god, if you don't know brother ride unbroken. You can break the male hymen.

Wait, what is the male hymen to you? Oh God, if you don't know, brother, you haven't lived yet. So you'll be in Brooklyn. Yeah, my wife and I, we're hosting her family. Oh really? And we decided we are not going to serve any turkey or any Thanksgiving traditional stuff.

What are you gonna be serving? You know, maybe a prime rib or something. We just wanna do something different. Something non-traditional, like prime rib. How do you make a prime rib? You're gonna make a prime rib or you're gonna order it? Well, first I'm gonna take my Clydesdale. I'm gonna explain to him.

You're not gonna kill your Clydesdale for the prime rib, are you? Okay, I think you need to figure out what prime rib is, bro. It's just like a fancy steak. It's a fancy steak. Yeah, yeah. But the whole point was we weren't gonna cook turkey in order to make my wife's family mad. But they're like, oh yeah, we like that.

So it's not as much fun. Where are we talking? Are we talking South Slope? We're talking Bacolka? Where are we talking? Let's see. Crown Heights? Right.

Diker Heights? If you were traveling there, say from Harold Square. Fair enough. So you'd get on it at 34th Street on the F train, 23rd Street, 14th Street. And then you got West 4th, Broadway Lafayette, 2nd Avenue, East Broadway, York Street, J Street, Metro Tech.

Formerly known as J Street Borough Hall. Oh, OK, excuse me. Now it's Metro Tech, high tech. And then Bergen, Carroll, Smith and 9th, 4th Avenue, 7th Avenue, and then you would get out there. So that would be the South Slope. That's a great area. I love it over here. What has this show become? What are we doing? Look, John, I do want to talk about the book because it's probably my second favorite book that I've read this year. Number one's the Bible. I try to read that of course on New Year's Day.

Get it out of the way. Sure, you know. No, it's fantastic. Vacation Land is of course the title and I feel, you know, honestly John, I felt like after I'd read it, I read it, you gave me a nice advanced copy but it just came out, but I read it over the-

I had some really beaten up advanced copies that I was giving to other people. I got two, strangely. Get him a nice one. Two of two different sizes, weirdly enough. Really? Yes. Oh, like, oh, interesting. One was almost like a peachy folder size,

and then there was another sort of paperback book size. Well, I said to them, I want Scott to read this, but see if you can make him go slightly insane. Right. Well, it's smart. Give him a mystery. Give him a puzzle. If you're going to get a sopping wet inked up book, you want to get two just in case

you're reading it on your white couch or whatever. But I read it over... All right, Geno, he's trying to talk about my book now, so hang on. I apologize, yes. I read it over the Labor Day weekend and I almost felt it's so charming and funny and most of all revealing about your life. I almost felt like I should write a book back to you because I it's like I know everything about you now and you don't know anything about me. That would be the polite thing to do. I should make you watch. There was a time.

At gunpoint. Why don't you start right now? You got that dry erase board in front of you. Dear John. Yes. It is a little bit. This did not start well. Oh my God, a coughing fit from two people at the same time. Oh god. What happened?

You guys are sharing a mouth somehow. We were out of water so I gave everyone whole milk. What is going on Gino? That's not good for the recording. Someone told me about they're putting fluorides in water so I got a bunch of old whole milk. Fluoride is good in water. It makes it taste good. No, it can't be good. That's mind control. You know that. Isn't that what's in the New York water that makes the pizza taste so good? That's what makes the cheesesteak bun so good in Philadelphia. It gives that pizza that light toothpaste flavor that we love so much.

That's right. The book is a letter in a lot of ways because my old books were full of weird, arch, absurdist, fake facts and fake hobos stuff. Do you use every letter in the alphabet in this book? Did you track that? I should have checked on my Microsoft Word program. Did I use every letter? Can they do that? Yeah, they do.

There's a little button, did I use every letter? Absolutely. Do you have that sentence, like the quick brown dog jumps over the lazy dog? Well, actually, that's the first sentence in my book, so yes, I guess I did. That's smart, get it out of the way. Just like Scott reads the Bible in Chanfers. Never have to worry about it. It jumps over the lazy dog, otherwise you haven't used all the letters.

Not jumped. But he could jump over lazy dogs. Right, that's true. And then you're using some letters twice. Yeah, he could also jump over a lazy stog. Is there a sentence where you only use the letters once? That's interesting. Maybe not.

Okay. Suddenly, we mean no repeats. Suddenly this has become a very dry comics page column in a grocery market circular. You have been called the Doonesbury of podcasts. I really have, haven't I? Now, Scott's favorite books are the Bible and Vacationland. Would you say that the first half of your book is for Jews mostly and then the back half of the book is for everybody? It is actually in two testaments. The first half of the book is about rural Western Massachusetts

and the second half of the book is about... About all your buddies who betrayed you. About a new religion I'm starting up in coastal Maine. And then it ends with the apocalypse. Exactly so. And... It is a wonderful book. It's, I believe I put this on some sort of social media platform, but I read the first

chapter and I was already laughing all throughout it. Thank you. And my companions who were there vacationing with me, I was on vacation. You were on vacation. Yes. They were looking at me as if I was some sort of insane madman laughing at basically the leaving of a tree. Is that the first time you've noticed them looking at you that way?

No, they were constantly. The entire trip. The leaving of a tree. Oh, that's right. That book is the book. That's right. You didn't explain to them that there's words on the pages and stuff like that? I was trying to communicate that idea to them.

All you got to say is like there's words and since I can read, I can understand the words. The leavings of a tree. I forgot that books are actually tree poops. I guess the leaves would be the leavings of a tree. It's right there in the title. Yeah, that's right. Leaf is the title of... Now, leaf makes me think Leaf Eric, which makes me think Viking Press. Look at that. There you go. Thank you, Gino. That's what you're here for.

Which unfortunately makes a lot of people think of alt-right Which Viking needs to work? This is sort of the alt-right book Sort of the alt-right manual. Well Would you say that the alt-right field manual? Let's move that back You're moving the goalposts. I'm moving the goalposts. I'm so far that I'm actually using sports metaphors to say don't say that No, it's a wonderful book. It's, uh, uh, I will say, I will say, I will say this. It is, it is definitely a book steeped in white privilege.

Yes. It is, uh, it is about, You mentioned it a few times. Yes, it's the white privilege mortality comedy of John Hodgman at his finest. That's all I have to say. Uh, it's, uh, readers of your previous books, uh, will perhaps be surprised, uh, that this is a little more personal, uh, than your previous books will perhaps be surprised that this is a little more personal

than your previous books. Yes, that's true. Folks, my name is John Hodgman. You never said that in the older books. So that's already it's more personal. Well, it's not as much that this one's real personal as the others were very impersonal. You're like, don't ask who I am, just read this book. None of your fucking business was one, it was one of the titles.

And one thing I would never say. And most of it was redacted. Yeah, and one thing I would never say in the old books was, folks, because I'm not folksy. This is very folksy comedy though. Yeah, that's right. It's very folksy comedy. It's very gentle. Let me tell you, folks, my name's John Hodgman. You think you know me, but you don't. I don't write a Clydesdale.

What? I'm a regular, that was a joke. Oh fuck. Wait, there's an epilogue to this where you say you don't ride a Clydesdale. What? I'm a regular, that was a joke. Oh fuck. Wait, there's an epilogue to this where you say you don't ride a Clydesdale? I'm a regular human being. Oh, that horse is dead though. I'm just the...

Oh shit, that wasn't a Clydesdale? Yeah. Oh no. I've been fucking jamming oats down this thing's gullet. What the fuck was that that you rode in on? It was a Vespa. Oh shit. Oh shit, you've been jamming oats down.

That thing might notpa. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You've been jamming oats. That thing might not run. Oh, no. I've told you a lot of lies before in my old books, but now I'm just telling you the truth about my own dumb life, my own thoughts and feelings. You're a filthy liar. Yes, exactly so. But now I'm trying to make amends.

Do you feel your old books were sins because of all the lies? No, I don't. Are you still thinking about the Bible? Yes, of course. No. Scott just can't get deuteronomy off of his mind. I'm the deuteronomy of comedy, much like the dude Duder Doonesbury. I completely followed that. Yeah, sure. Makes perfect sense.

There's wonderful stories about properties you've bought, boats you've bought. It's basically you're bragging about how much money you have the whole time. Folks, you know me. I'm John Hodgman, just a folksy comedian. Just down, salt of the earth kind of style, country humor that you love so much. And the book that had the central dilemma of it is I Own Two Summer Homes. You enjoying my relatable comedy, folks? What are you

gonna buy if people buy this book? Have you thought about that? Is that for the next book? Like okay everyone bought my last books and now I bought this and then you have a whole bunch of pages about that. We do own a boat in Maine. We accidentally bought a 13-foot peapod rowboat at auction. It was not a blind auction. You were raising your hand just letting your wife know where you were sitting. You were like, we're over here, hon, and then someone's like, sold. We saw this boat that was for sale and it had been built by a local boat builder in Maine. A famous boat builder. Famously local. He was famous for being local. He absolutely was. That's exactly his claim to fame was

I live over there. You can see my house. I guess everyone is sort of famous for that. Locally famous, famously local, famously angry boat builder named Jim Steele. He was angry. I don't believe you bring that up in the book. Oh, I tell the story in the book. His neighbor, who's also

a boat builder, came over to his workshop and he said Jim I ran out of white oak which it's a kind of wood you know. That's me baby. White oak medallion. He just said wood. Yeah okay do the drop. Oh fuck not again. It gets worse and worse. And he said Jim Jimmy can I can I buy some white oak off of you, my neighbor and fellow craftsman? And Jimmy still said, fuck you, get out of, this is in a fucking lumber yard, go home. And so he's kind of expected. And so he went home and the next day there was, he heard a rumbling out in, out in his yard and Jimmy stills dumping a

truckload of white oak into his yard. And he yells at him, there's your goddamn wood. And Brian, my neighbor goes, what? I thought you weren't. He's, I couldn't stop thinking about it. And I said, okay, well, how much do I owe you for it? Nothing! Which is the perfect, the perfect spite logic of Maine, self-defeating spite logic. And so he built his boat, then he died.

The boat was up for auction and my wife has become totally enamored of, she loves Maine more than any other place or person on earth. It's America's erect penis, isn't it? And Florida is the droopy dong of America. And Nevada is its big old pussy. Thank you, Tino. It is an eternal rocky hard place. It is America's-

Rocky hard picture show. It is America's erect penis that has had an erection for much longer than four hours and needs to call its doctor. Yes. It's the Viagra riddled cock of America. Something has gone horribly wrong. Now I'm not like a finance guy, but you said you have two summer homes. He's in the middle of the story, Gino.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it ended with the home. No, he hasn't even talked about the auction, but hang on to that question. Hang on to that question. Hang on to that question. Hang on to that question. We had a home in Western Massachusetts that we inherited from my mom, was no longer a Oh, I'm sorry. What's I thought it ended with no he hasn't even talked about the auction but Home in Western Massachusetts that we inherited from my mom was no longer alive Yes, my dad couldn't emotionally bear to keep it. So he gave it to us to take care of for a while He emotionally took it back. No because what happened was my wife said we're out of here. We're going to Maine That's where I want to be. Did you say like Dennis Miller where she like crossed things off on papers? Yes, we are out of here. We are out of here. I spun around in my chair. I'll do it right now

Oh, yeah, there he goes. Oh my god. Oh, no the cord's around his neck Oh shit, out of erotic asphyxiation He's got a vial of a riddle boner Here, let me get it Okay, there we go. John, are you alright? I'm fine. Thank you Okay, but my now anyway, so yeah, that's that my dad's taking that house back and we have this place in Maine. Okay, I was just trying to make a joke. I apologize. I'm sorry to shut down your joke.

No, no, you're right. Let's hear the second half of the story. Tell me about the auction, John. No, what's the- No, I'm a fucking asshole. What was your joke, Gino? I was going to say, why don't you buy one winter home, one summer home? Then you could like mix it up. Okay. Because then you know you have one to go to in the summer,

one to go to in the winter. Yeah, Sam, when's the joke coming? Yeah, well, no, I kind of forgot it in the whole, you know, I watched a man nearly joke and then come back to life, so forgive me for forgetting the back end of the joke. So you were saying you were halfway through the story about how you got a boat.

We went to go look at it. Everyone was talking about this boat, everyone was talking about this boat in town. And they're all saying, it's gonna sell for all this money because it's one of the last ones he built and blah, blah, blah. And we all went to go see it, this beautiful boat. And it's a beautiful piece of craftsperson. They let you see the boat before you buy it?

See, if we're doing an auction, I'd be like, you can't see this, not until you fork over the lettuce, baby. Yeah, it's just a boat shape under a black velvet tarp. Yes. Although that's too much, too. Too much? The boat shape, yeah. Boat shape?

Oh, not even that. No, I put pillows in it so you couldn't tell what it was. It's like, oh, guess what? It's not a boat. It's a can of nickels. Sorry. Sorry. A lot of nickels, though, could equal the cost you spent.

Yeah, it depends on how much. So anyways, I said, no, you're not going to, you're not, this is an amazing piece of main craftsmanship built with the angriest hands on earth. You're not gonna, it's gonna go for big money, but you love this boat. I love this boat. You make the opening bid. Sure. And then we'll sit back and watch everyone else bid. You want to be part of the process. Make the opening bid. Make the opening bid, because then we'll know even though we're not gonna go home with this boat, we will have had a hand in launching it on whatever its new journey is. My wife said, since you are America's greatest storyteller, and you have moved me to tears, I shall do this.

Is that the conversation you often have with your wife at home? Well, I answer what she's supposed to say. Okay. So, yes. No, she said, no, that's stupid, but I bullied her into doing it. So you give your wife an intro any time you walk in the room. Yeah, that's right.

This is for your children? This is what you should say. Okay. John Hodgman, you can say that he was on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Did you mention the computer commercial? Yeah, definitely, well, people love that. It's been a while since we've done those.

I'd like it if you mentioned my three episode arc on season two of Red Oaks, please, because I don't feel like that got enough attention. You mentioned some wood. Go ahead. Right. This has got to stop. It's really starting to hurt.

I've mentioned both Red Oak and White Oak at this point. Wow. Well, which one is more pure? Anyway. Uh-oh. You've been reading his manual too long. I know. I got all hopped up on the...

I'd bully her into making the opening bid, and everyone in the room who's there, there's 50 people there to bid on this boat, everyone looks at their feet and takes a single step backwards. They just shut the fuck up after she makes the opening bid? Yeah, and then suddenly we had this boat that we did not intend to have. Were they intimidated by the Hodgmans? I don't know what, it was a mystery, and after we got it, they would go and they'd say,

you got a Jimmy Steel peapod for next to nothing. What a bargain. What an incredible deal. Good for you. And this went on for hours after the auction and then weeks after. Anytime we saw someone in town, they would go, did you buy that boat for the Jimmy Steel Peapod? So they were all there.

They heard tell of it? Yeah. It became talk of the town. Wow. And I was in the post office and a guy I never met. Don't go there. Said... Stamps.com. Post office not a sponsor. Right, no, I was just, I was in the post office not to do any business whatsoever, but to hand out Stamps.com flyers. Thank you, I appreciate that. You're on the Stamps.com thread team. And this guy I've never met before, but I've seen around town and who owned the inn. This is some real, this is some real.

So an innkeeper type. This is some real new heart shit. Okay, just, that's actually what I should have called the book. Some real new heart shit. Much more accurate in terms of the tone and flavor of the book. But he says, are you the guy who bought that Jimmy Steel P-Pod for the opening bid?" And I said, yeah. And he said, oh, what a bargain.

Good for you. Hey, there's someone I want you to meet. And now I swear, this is a very small town. Post office is not larger than the room we're in right now, which is small. OK, let me calculate this. He produced like a magic trick out of thin air, an old woman. And he said, John, I want you to meet Pam. Pam, John is the guy who bought Jimmy Steel's peepod

for opening bid. John, this is Pam Steel, Jimmy's widow. And she looks me in the eye for a long time. She goes, I wanted to meet the guy who bought Jimmy Steel's peepod for that amount of money. Oh, Jesus. And then she said, good for you. And then she turned around.

Just dripping with sarcasm like that? Just judgment. And I was like, what, what, this is a trick, right? You guys are playing a mind game. Like, is this what happens in this town? You have this- You lure someone into an auction. Yeah, you get this peapod, you advertise it all over town,

and then you figure out which outsiders you're gonna sell the peapod to this year. You paper the house with just stooges. That's right. And then you sell them this thing and they take it home and then you fatten them up with compliments and flattery. And then you wait until that day they have to mail something. Right and then you bring you bring the widow before them to give them final judgments. The grieving widow. And then that night they ether you and take you down the widow before them to give them final judgment. The grieving widow!

And then that night they ether you and take you down to the fairgrounds. This takes place in Maine. They tie you to a stake and some old man comes up and dumps a bunch of wood and goes, there's your god damn wood. Set that on fire, you die. God, it's gotta stop. There was a little bit of blood in that one. They take the peapod back and sell it to someone next year and that's why the lobster monster that lives in the ocean doesn't eat their children.

This is like a Castle Rock. I was just about to say, it takes place in Maine, there's pod people, this is like Langoliers. This is like a Richard Bachman. Yeah, this is a total Langoliers. Langoliers shot Bangor International Airport, one of the great small airports in this country. That was the most excited I've seen you in a decade. Telling you. If you want to get to Bangor, you can fly directly from New York City or Philadelphia or connections all the way from Detroit.

Well the book is filled with not directions like that, but with wonderful stories and laugh lines and instructions of when you're supposed to laugh. Yeah, trying to make it very clear. It's almost like a screenplay in a way yeah stage direction you laughing now do you have a one quick last cue before we go do you have another book in the in the hopper you got something in the chamber I really liked writing this book and it's a different kind of book for me and I'd like to write another one and I've got some ideas for it but I gotta write that down so I can sell it oh Oh write your idea down before you forget. Give me that dry erase board.

Yeah here we go okay. That's the best place to write that. Yeah okay there oh my god this idea sounds amazing. Look at this. That's your small handwriting. Oh my god it's like a serial killer. It's like Jonathan Doe in Seven. Oh sorry. That's spoiler. We're wiping all spacey's rolls. Oh yeah no spacey. Isn't that terrible? We can't enjoy any spacey movie now. I Yeah, no spacey. Isn't that terrible? We can't enjoy any spacey movie now. I was thinking about it the other day. No, it sucks.

Usual Suspect, seven. Baby Driver. K-Pax. About the young male driver. Oh, Baby Driver. Yeah, Justin Baby Driver, he's great in it. He fucked and ruined that movie for me. Ah, god damn it.

God damn it. What do you think of Kevin Spacey right before we go? Is that figure into the book at all? Weirdly. Alright, we need to take a break. Gino, can you take us to break? When we come back, we're going to have, this is exciting, we have a former educator. She's been on the show before and this is a very exciting opportunity to talk to a returning guest.

Take us to break, Gino. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. Alright, cue, and now. Bum-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Which one? Like one of those Guardians of the Galaxy things? Baby Mama. Oh, not Baby Driver though? No, it was the prequel to Baby Driver. Was that you in Baby Driver? Yeah. They're wiping out, they're CGI-ing me and instead of Kevin Spacey... They should, yes. Just take Kevin Spacey out of any movie and then put John Hodgman in. You're also one of the guys in Eyes Wide Shut that's just blocking some nudity, right?

Right. Yeah, I'm the nudity blocker and almost all Delta airplane versions of R rated movies you're just CGI sipping tea and say platinum status diamond thank you I'm 2000 a diamond 2000 diamond that should be a Mule Diamond song hey sorry keep it down no? Keep it down! No! Shut up! No! I'm doing a show!

I need help with my homework! I can't help you with your homework! What are you even studying? I'm studying the Mayflower and shit! I don't know anything about the fucking Mayflower! I have to write a whole paper on how America was made! Write it! I don't give a shit!

I can't! You're the one who's supposed to teach me everything! You're my father figure! What about your teacher figure? That's the person who's supposed to teach you everything. I'm supposed to come in with a full report. I'm gonna get in big trouble. Well, you should listen in class, young man.

Shut up. Let's make sure we leave all this in. I'm sorry, guys. This is my nephew, Todd. He's staying with me. Oh, hey, Todd. I haven't seen you in a hot minute. How are you?

You know. I'm sorry, I have to do it how my uncle says. Hello, Mr. Sir, how are you? Nice to see you. may I kiss your ring? Thank you, Todd. No, because it's a toe ring, I wouldn't recommend kissing it. Ugh, nasty.

My fingers are too thin to hold onto regular rings, even the smallest child size. Yeah, I was gonna say. I have a Claire's Girls belly button ring on my big toe right now. Oh my gosh, you got that at Claire's? I have a friend who works at Claire's. You do?

Yeah, my friend Tracy. Yeah, he's friends with a teenager. He's a little freak and he won't even hang out with me though. He hangs out with teenage girls all the time. Shut up, Todd. No way. You are disrespectful. Well, can't you just tell me one fact about America

and the Mayflower and pilgrims and Indians? Just so I can have something to start my paper with. I know that we didn't land on Plymouth Rock, but Plymouth Rock landed on us. Yeah, can you incorporate that somehow? What? Doesn't that make sense? A rock landed on us?

Yeah, I think it's metaphorical. Uh, they had buckles on their baseball hats. Alright, I'm putting that in. They like to cinch them up real tight. Fine, I'm putting that in. Hey, mister, excuse me, sir? Yeah. Hi, nice to meet you, sir.

May I kiss your ring? Uh, that would be inappropriate. My uncle said I have to do it to every man I meet. Well, I don't want to have my face erased from every movie. So please stay over there. Okay, whatever. It's already been erased from all but one. It's true.

Well, wait, I was also in Pitch Perfect 2. Oh, sorry, that's right, I forgot. And I think they're going to me eye in for Pitch Perfect. CG me eye? Yeah, CG. CG me eye. CG me eye. They're gonna CG eye me eye in.

Just my eye. Just blinking on Elizabeth Banks's forehead. CG me eye. Right, in Pitch Perfect 3. Are you Irish? That's right. They're gonna CG me eye into every movie. Yarg the CG me eye. Right, in Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit-Tur- Pit Um, I... That's fine, right? That's something I need to report. He makes me sleep in the... It's just discipline. He makes me sleep standing up in the closet,

and then as a reward, I get to sleep in the tub. Oh, a reward for what? For being good for a week. If you can sleep standing up, then you can sleep anywhere. I'm training you. That's true. For what, what exactly?

Once he gets in the military. Okay, that's true. They do have him sleeping standing up now. This seems like the kind of sick fuck that should go right into the military. I don't wanna go in the military. I'm sorry, but the minute you're 18, how old are them sleeping, standing up now. This seems like the kind of sick fuck that should go right into the military. I don't wanna go in the military. I'm sorry, but the minute you're 18, how old are you again, by the way?

Oh, middle school. Right. You can't jerk off in military. You're getting trouble. I'm sorry, but that's- Just like jail. They put you in jerk-off jail. Oh, you can jerk off in jail. J.O.J. J.O.J.

Sounds pretty good. I did eight hours in a drunk tank and they let me jack off like 15 times. Someone just- They let you? Well, they made me jerk off ten times and they let me do five more. Well, you would as a tip Oh Well, you said W O U Homonyms don't count. Oh, yeah, how many I'm sorry no hop no homo Came but then it stopped. Oh, that's the worst., you gotta get that one out. That'll go toxic.

You haven't gone through puberty yet. Squeeze! Yup, just pull it out like toothpaste. Do you still have, John, I don't know if you- I'm officially distancing myself from this entire conversation. I don't know if you know this about Todd, but Todd- No, I don't know anything about Todd.

Todd wished himself big. Oh yeah, well, I found a Zultar machine, I wished myself big, and I got big for a little bit but then I got back to small and my dick stayed big. Oh no, really? Yeah. It's pretty lucky I guess. So you're aging into your own penis now, right?

Every day a little bit older other than that penis. Right. Wait, does your penis also age? So you'll have an old man's penis when you're in your 20s? It's honestly really wrinkled already. Well, no, it's got to get hard and then it smooths it out. He's always trying to teach me this. Right now it looks wrinkled, but then it gets hard, he says.

Just give it a chance, he says. Look at this video, he says. Todd, I'm going to make a quick call. No, no, John, I need you make a quick call. No no John, I need you. I need you. You were saying you're from Massachusetts. I really feel like I need to call someone right now. Oh my mommy, she abandoned me.

Yeah, my sister. Where is she? She just doesn't even care. She was at the carnival one day, several years ago. Well then we lost each other because I got big and she didn't recognize me even though I kept saying mommy, mommy it's me! I'm just large now and old. Wait, you never told me that that's what happened. That's why you're stuck with me. Yeah.

I'm stuck with you, I mean. Well, well, regardless. I'm not going anywhere. Yeah. Anyway, so she's off. Wait, now, even though your private area is still that of a 35-year-old man. How do you know it's 35? Are you expecting it? He's seen the film big. I'm just taking it. That's just a statistically correct guess. Okay. But now you look like a child and you could go back to your mom now. She would recognize you. No, my uncle Scott, he claims that I'm being captured or being forced to stay with him,

but he's captured me. He kept me there. He really wants me there, I guess. She left no forwarding contact info. Yeah, well, I guess you just really love me so much is what it really is. Yeah, I mean, I love you like we all love our families at Thanksgiving, right? I mean, that's coming up, right? How do you love him at Thanksgiving? You know, you're forced to be around him. Oh, come on! We've had great times, all the movie nights!

I wouldn't call those movie nights. We watch his favorite movie over and over again. It's a weird one. Wait, what's his favorite movie? Cocoon! Come on! We've had great times, all the movie nights! I wouldn't call those movie nights. We watch his favorite movie over and over again. It's a weird one. We watch his favorite movie. Cocoon! What? He begs me to watch it. It would be weirder for Cocoon 2, and he'd never seen the first one.

I love those old people acting like youngsters. It's weird, because you can't refuse the opposite. He gets up in front of the TV and dances around and acts out all the parts. That's right. I do the Wilford Brimley diving in the cannonball pool. Do the Don Amici break dance right now. Oh, here we go. Oh, wow. You do have an Amici-like quality to you.

Amici-like. Have you guys tried getting Pod's genitals into a cocoon type situation to DA Jim? He gave him my genitals in a cocoon. Right. And then it came out as a butterfly? No, I wrapped. He wrapped it in toilet paper that was wet. I did that because you were always taking them out

and showing them to people. Taking what out? Your genitals. You're not supposed to do that. Your gennies. We pluralize it as an adult. My gennies? Yeah.

Whip out your gennies. Whip out your 867-5309's. That's what he says. And then I have to sing 8, 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 9 while I wing it around. I just felt it hit that table leg. Did the knowledge, did the knowledge of that song come with your supernatural getting big? Did you absorb all of the middle-aged culture that comes with being a weird dad? I've only heard it from him singing it.

That's how he wakes up every morning. It's eight o'clock. Well, it's eight o'clock and it reminds me of it. I wake up at eight o'clock. How long are you going to write this paper? I'm going to be in so much trouble. Yeah, well, Joan, what facts do you have? You're from Massachusetts.

So what are you studying? The Mayflower? I got to tell my teacher how America started. Just know. Well, first of all, we didn't land at Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us. Wait a second! The United States was started by a meteor strike. But what about all the Indians and Pilgrims?

They were never there. Native Americans. Yeah. The Pilgrims were the first ones here. There were never any Native Americans here. So who were the original Americans? We killed them all. Wait, what? Yeah. I'm writing this all down with no context. Here's what happened. A bunch of white people came, saw something that someone else had owned, they said this is ours now, we're big bullies, here's some blankets, smallpox, we're going to form some states, let's get some slavery in here. You could also use this exact essay for the, if your teacher ever asked you about

rock and roll. Yeah, exactly. Right. if your teacher ever asked you about rock and roll. Yeah, exactly. Right. And if they ever asked me about my life with Uncle Scott, he kidnapped me, stole my land. Gave you smallpox blankets. Wrapped me in smallpox blankets. I have to toughen you up.

You gave him Manhattan for $32. Missouri wanted to come in as a slave state, so the guys running it were like, we don't want to expand slavery because slavery is a human crime. So what we'll do to make it morally acceptable is we'll admit a free state as well. Yeah, they had a lot of good ideas. That's how Maine became a state. After that, it's all new heart and shit. Can you just write my paper for me? You wrote a book.

Yeah, do you mind writing the, yeah. I thought you were writing all that down on the dry erase board. Of course I was. Okay. You didn't erase John's other book. All right, here's what you want to do. Oh shit, I did. Yeah. What was your other book idea?

Do you remember? It was all about becoming diamond Delta medallion. I mean, Delta diamond medallion. DDM. CGME. CGME. I have a cargo card for flying. They put me in the bottom with all the puppies.

Well, it's cheaper. I'm sorry. Last time I had to go dookie at a puppy cage. Yeah, well, you know, I'm sorry that you had to be in there with us. It's just cheaper. I don't have the money to, you know, buy you a plane ticket. Where do you even go? You never let me be unblindfolded on your whole trip.

Well, you know, it's not a blindfold, it's that doggy costume that I make you wear. So we can get you down there. You gotta get Todd registered as a service animal because then you can fly them under the seat. Exactly. Just go online, get a phony psychiatrist to tell you. To the universal life church. That's right.

We went somewhere warm and you were sitting by water, I could hear it moving, and you had me at your feet the whole time. And you kept saying, more mocha lattes please. And had all these people fanning you. That's what I like to drink on vacation is mocha lattes. Nothing like getting out in the sun by the pool and smashing down some chocolate lattes. Just diarrhea juice. Hot chocolate latte. He likes to know what it's going to look like getting out in the sun by the pool and smashing down some chocolate latte. Hot chocolate latte. Just diarrhea juice.

He likes to know what it's going to look like coming out. So he only eats stuff that looks the same as poop. I'll have another bowl of peanut butter and chocolate pudding stirred up. Just like Bob Marley would say. Ah, the land of Irie. Oprah once said a good poop looks like a brown banana. She also said people fart 14 times a day. I don't know what she's talking about half the time.

She really does. I get all my 14 out first thing in the morning. That's my move. Yeah. Yeah, then you're not bothered for the rest of the day. Yeah, then I don't have to worry about farting on the plane, train, or automobile. I like to take my time with it and use it

when I feel like it's punctuate. Oh! Oh! That was clutch. You got your ass to that microphone fast. What number is that for you today? Todd just completely spun like the hour hand. Like John Hodgeman spinning around in his chair.

Yeah, but the other axis. Doing a Dennis Miller spin, but the other way around. It was almost like Superman trying to turn back time. And I am out of here. If I could turn back time. Another one. That's how Scott falls asleep. I want to remember what I did the night before.

Share down, Jenny up, baby. Well, look, help her out with this while we get to our next guest. Who? Him. You're such. I like to emasculate you. It's not fair.

Look at this. Holy shit. No, that's well over 35 years old that thing It's heavy. Good God, yeah it's heavy. Feel the weight. How old am I? It's mostly balls. You gotta be 15, 16. Possibly a gym teacher. It gets heavier as you get older, right? Oh, it gets way heavier. They say lead accumulates in your scrotum to protect you from radiation But it also has side effects of being pretty heavy because lead is one of the densest materials. But Superman can't see through it So right, so.

Right, so it's ideal. Protect your sperm from Superman's eyesight. Right. Because you can count them from a distance and that's the last thing you want. From a distance. I put those x-rays. That's how Scotty's lunch. That's how Scotty's takes the... he eats lunch.

From a distance. I like to keep my lunch on the other end of the table. There are the skid and clean. As he watches the Postmates track delivery. God is watching us. Todd. God is watching us. Todd, stop singing.

God is watching us. Todd, shut the fuck up. From a distance. We got to get to our next guest. Sorry. Are you going to be a good little boy? Yeah, daddy. Okay.

We need to get to our next guest. This is very exciting and we don't often get a guest of this caliber, all right? I know we have John Hodgman on, he's an author. I've been in two movies, but this is exciting. Okay. All right? Be on your best behavior, please. I'm putting on my bow tie.

Okay, thank you so much. All right. I was also in movie 43. I played the penguin. Oh, I think I think just let's not Let's just stick. We'll leave that part out. No, you don't I shouldn't shouldn't be on my IMDB page You don't have to bring it up. Well, wait, you know, cuz you know, my wife's joining me on the book tour and I'm gonna Have her introduce me tomorrow. So I was gonna have her say that. From movie 43. You only know him from movie 43. That's how she knows you? That's how we met actually. She was craft services on movies 1 through 42.

Yeah yeah yeah it was at the premiere of movie 43 and she was the other person there so we quickly fell in love and became married. I love a good meat cube. Mm-hmm. That's right And cute meat. Mmm yummy meat cube. Yeah Don't speak. You can't say yeah. Don't speak. Is that what you said? Don't speak I know just what you're thinking. That's why I sing when I put you to bed All right, let's get to our next guest. I know what you're thinking. Good night. That's terrifying. I don't want him to jerk off like he's in the army. Army rules, no jerking off. Army rules at my house. Sleep standing up, no jerking off.

That's why I gotta keep doing it in secret, it's getting bad. Where have you been doing it? I can't say. You'll get punished. I'll get punished? By whom, the neighbors? Yeah, because I'm doing it in their cars. Oh god, you're breaking into our neighbors' cars? No, I'm just doing it in the gas tank. Oh, OK.

See how far I can run. Wait, you didn't do it in the Vespa downstairs, did you? That Clydesdale? Was there a lot of oatmeal in whatever your jerk-it-off had to do? Big eyebrows, oatmeal, yep. That's about right. That's our handlebars. All right, we need to get to our next guest.

She's been on the show before. This is exciting. She's a former educator. Please welcome back to the show Caroline Belinda Carlisle. Hi guys. Hi. Hi. Hello.

You're a teacher? I was a teacher, yeah. This is perfect because my nephew, this is Todd by the way. Hey Todd. Todd's been having a lot of difficulty writing his paper. I have to write a five paragraph essay about how America started. Ooh, that's a little out of- Five paragraphs? I guess that's a lot for middle school.

Yeah. You seemed really stressed earlier, then I find out it's five paragraphs. Introduction, conclusion, introducing your three ideas, conclusion, three idea, paragraphs,

and conclusion, wrap it up. Bun, lettuce, tomato, cheese, burger, bun. Yum! That's more than I had. That is. No cheese. No cheese.

It's not like a Google Burger where the cheese is right before the bun. Oh. Welcome to Google Burger, home of the Google Burger. Can I take your order? Oh, you're fine. So Belinda does that. His reference-ometer is way off since he

got Bing and guidelines. Any era, except right now. So Belinda, you were on the show before about somewhere around six months ago or so, I recall. Somewhere around six months ago. Maybe half a year. And remind me of exactly what we talked about last year when we were on the show before about somewhere around six months ago or so. Somewhere around six months ago. Maybe half a year. Yeah. And remind me of exactly what we talked about last time you were on the show.

This is Jon Hodgman, by the way. Hi, how are you? I'm Jon. Big fan, Jon. Oh, thank you very much. Did you see Movie 43? What's that? What?

The Penguin and the Batman. She heard what you said. She just wonders what Movie 43 is, actually. What's that? What's the movie? It's a very famous movie. Sketch actually. What's that? What's the movie, 40, it's a very famous movie, sketch comedy, everyone loved it. What happens when you get that offer?

I presume you were offered and you didn't audition. Please tell me you didn't audition for it. It was a long process. But what happens when you get that offer? Do you weigh it, do you discuss it with your family? All I knew was I was gonna be hanging around with Justin Long, who was my co-star in that. Right, yes.

And in the Apple ad. Oh, we know! Yeah, we do. Uncle Scott makes me watch those every night. And then we both have to act him out, and I'm Justin Long, and he's you. He didn't want to tell you that. Scott, thank you. I sent you that tape.

And you sent me the scripts Which you'd marked up with your acting notes. Yeah some weird shit on there Well, and also did you get the recording of the direct line reads? I wanted I don't want you to interpret anything Yeah, I know there was a lot of stuff internally going on with PC that I didn't know about till Scott showed me this Well, you haven't made any additions to it. Have you Scott? I mean every previous iteration of the PC was it a different family member that's been dead ever since you came to life it was very weird stuff that I read. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Yeah sort of like Highlander rules. Yeah a little bit like that. Well John I would love some acting tips actually because I'm a yeah I am. Oh that's right. You're an amateur actor. What's an amateur? Someone who's never really done it.

Well, I've done it. Jeans. Ohmio Coke, please. It just usually means that it's low lighting and in the living room and like a TV's on in the background. Well, I've done that. Yeah. Yeah.

I used to be a teacher. I taught preschool for many years. That's great. Unfortunately, my students did all drown in jello. Oh. And the jello filled the room, they were all in there. I was at an audition, which I did not get. How did jello?

The ultimate indignity. Not getting the role. Wow, I don't know about this. That's the real tragedy. Right. But it sounds familiar because I saw the parody sketch on SNL. Oh, right.

And I didn't know what it was in reference to. That was funny. That was fucking hysterical. Oh, Cecily Strong playing me? I should be so lucky. Wait, so like they like drawn in it? Well, yeah, they, they, I had taught them all how to, you know, take the powder, put the water, make it big. I love that song. Take the powder, put the water, make it big. Feeling iry. I was making it Jamaican at the end. Yeah, iry. It's big. Feeling iry. I was making it Jamaican at the end there. Yeah, iry.

It's the light of iry. I was Jamaican at making. What were you saying? Well, I was saying that they, while I was at this audition, they all made jello at the same time and just kept rising and rising and rising and rising and I walked in the door,

yee, I got 30 kids drowning in jello. You left the preschool kids alone while you went on an audition. Well, they were sleeping. Oh. It was nap time. Had to become gelatinous at that point. Have you seen Jurassic Park?

Yes. The first one. Yes. It's the one that all the other ones were based on. Right. Yes. It had all the world building. It had the dinosaurs.

And it's, this is the one with- Was this the one that was a bunch of comedy sketches with me in it? No, that was movie 43. Oh, it has my Uncle Scott's favorite line to say, hold on to my butt. Hold on to your butt is the line. That's what I do. You said it's called, what's it called? Jurassic Park?

Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park. Is that what Josh Hartnett and it takes place in like Chicago? And he's an alien? I think you're thinking of lucky number Slevin. That is what it is. That is what it is. Oh, I'm thinking of the one where they're at school and they're all aliens and Josh

Hartnett is... Josh Hartnett is the faculty. That's the one. That's the one. That's what I'm talking about. But is it the one with Josh Hartnett and there's an attack on Pearl Harbor? Yes. That's it.

Jurassic Park. So when there's a little mosquito in the amber, do you remember that part? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. Jurassic Park. So when there's a little mosquito in the amber, do you remember that part of the movie? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when, right. Josh Hartnett goes, oh, this is. And he's like, this is a day that will live in infamy. Exactly.

Yes, right, yeah. And he was talking about. He says, I haven't had sex in 40 days and 40 nights. This mosquito is in amber. Exactly, so that's what it looked like when I watched it on all those dead kids. Beautiful. It was like watching a Josh Hartnett movie.

It was like a giant human ambrosia salad. Yes. I see. Okay, you're making me hungry, honey. Wait, is that a line that you're auditioning for? I'm starving. Oh, oh. This is the other thing is I now live in LA. Welcome. Thank you.

Well, I shouldn't say welcome because I don't live here, but it's enjoyable. I'm a temporary resident. You've been with me for years. You think so. I'm going to Phoenix tomorrow to get my Delta Diamond medallion status Hello CGMEI

You get a free companion ticket into some of the smaller markets for flying into Bangor Happily married for 18 years. You're welcome ladies. Yeah, don't take him saying Bangor the wrong way. So Caroline, my name's Scott Ackerman. So nice to see you again. And that's one name then? No, not like Belinda Carlisle is to you. It's two different names, Scott and then Ackerman. We separate them by a space with a space in between. The space between!

And that's how he, it's a song. Yes Todd? He sings when he opens his butt. It's a little ritual. Once I sing 8 6 7 5 3 0 9, I gotta open the old butt. Space between. Gotta get my 14 out. What's wrong and right? You get 14 out in one wind rush when you open up your butt. Alright, ready to move on.

And that's just one. That's just one. That's 14. 14 in one? Coming out at once. They come out like ghosts. It's 14 times one. Shoot around that.

It's like ghosts coming out of the arc at the end of Rangers of the Lost Ark. Coming out like the Frighteners. Like the Frighteners, yes. So Caroline, you're auditioning? Every day. So you live in LA now. Every day in every way. So that's practically success. Yes, that's auditioning? Every day. So you live in LA now. Every day in every way. So that's practically success then.

Yes, that's how I look at it. Because it always feels good to just go on a bunch of auditions no matter what happens. Yeah, it feels like you're moving incrementally forward. And like they always say, you get none of the jobs that you don't try for. Get. Mm-hmm.

Right? And who's this that says that? This is Hollywood, baby. Oh, you say baby too. Is there a lot of us? Yeah, is there a do you have an agent or? I don't have an agent. I was gonna say my neighbor, but I would say my, oh what do you call it? What do you call it when you live in a shelter? Homeless? Yes. So well I mean. Or you could be like a abused wife. Well I'm not. I've never been married, thank you for reminding me.

Gina. It's Gino. Gina is my mom and sister. Oh really? Wait, have we talked about that? You're named after your mom? No I'm named- my name was Ginavani, they shortened it at Ellis Island when I was on a field trip. Oh that's right, yeah. They're like, this is a wordy name, they're like, look, we can knock it down to Gino. This is Ellis Island. We know what we're doing here.

This is our stock and trade here. Grab your birth certificate and take a red pen. Click, oh, okay, we can lose this Vani. Lose this it's on the end. You can get hired more. Ellis Island is where the Pilgrims landed. You could put that in your summary. What, this is helpful.

No, it's actually Ellis Island landed on the Pilgrims. That's right, that's right. That's what I said. Oh, everything's backwards. So I don the pilgrims. That's right. That's what I said. Everything's backwards. So I don't know if we. Chris Cross and Mickey. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I coughed in the middle there. That's what Uncle Scott sings when he does his dance on the roof every day, too. Chris Cross and Mickey want to jump, jump. I'm contemplating suicide every night, thinking Chris Cross might make me want to do it. So Caroline, we don't know if you're a good actor or not. Do you have any monologues that you have prepared?

Absolutely. Yeah, perform. Yeah, okay. Let's see a little bit. I got my sea legs tap dancing and singing. That's my... C-G-Me-A. C-G-Me-A? C-G-Me-I. C-G- that's my... CG me a. CG me a. CG me a.

CG me a. CG me a. CG me a. CG me a. CG me a. CG my a. CG my a. More like CG her a.

Well yeah, okay, so I did just audition for a show called Stranger Things. Oh, okay, yeah. Was it Stranger Things 2, I hope? Stranger Things 2, I hope, yes. That's what it was called. Okay, good. Stranger Things 2, I hope? Stranger Things 2, I hope, yes. That's what it was called. Okay, good. Stranger Things 2, I hope.

This time, I hope. What? What was the role? What was the role? The role was the role of a hot teen. Hot teen. Okay, now you're... By the way, how old of a woman are you?

I don't want to speculate. Excuse me? Yeah, how much you weigh? Yeah, how tall, how much you weigh, how old are you? All your measurements. I will answer this. Can you do a split? Now...

That's her sea legs. Wow. You're like Dagmar the Small. Thank you. I weigh 145 pounds. I'm 5'2". And I am 50 on the dot. Today's your birthday? Oh my goodness, happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. And the rest. Can we shorten it Gilligan's Island style? Yeah. And the rest. Alright. So. Okay, so I will do the monologue from that. I think I still have it somewhere in's Island style? Yeah. And the rest. Alright, so. Okay, so I will do the monologue from that. I think I still have it somewhere in the old bumble tree. Ah yes, the brain as they call it. The old bumble tree.

I thought bumble tree is where you try to get paired off on a date with a family member. Hey kids, climb up your old bumble tree and see if you can answer this old riddle. What is the monologue you're gonna do? Actually, it wasn't a monologue, it was more of a dialogue, so Todd, do you mind? Sure. Okay, so let's give you this. I'm in the play.

Okay. You have a copy of the script here. All right, Todd, you got it? I got it, yeah. So I start, okay. Hey, are you going to the dance on Thursday? No, I don't feel like it. Well, would it change your mind

if I told you I was going to the dance? Maybe a little. What are you gonna do there? I'll drink some stuff and I'll wear a dress and you better believe I'm gonna shake my big butt. What if I don't believe it? What if everyone in the whole school says no? Well then that will be some stranger things. There's a demogorgue. Kiss me. On the face!

Oh, I've been taught you're supposed to kiss butts. Okay, can I call cut? Can I call cut here? This got fucking weird. I just watched a 13 year old boy kiss a 50 year old woman's ass right in front of me on her birthday. By the way, Todd. If she's 50, it's a butt. Was that your first kiss, Todd? First real one, I guess. That wasn't a real one.

It was on a butt. Yeah. It was open mouth. First time someone's kissed back. I don't think Caroline was kissing back. I don't know if I wasn't kissing back, Scott Kerman. That's true. Yeah. Todd? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm peeing really quick. I just wanted to say I think you have a future in acting. Wow. I didn't even get prepped. What do you think actors do? They get prepped? Yeah. What's the- I didn't get rubbed down with rubbing alcohol. You got to be completely scrubbed, germ free. That's true. That's like Mark Summers, my favorite actor and host of Double Dare. That's what he would do. Really?

I took one acting class from him at Nassau Community College. Oh, you did? It was very helpful. I should take a class. That's a great idea. Honestly, I think that was good, Caroline. Thank you. But good is the enemy of great.

And I think that you could, you know, really, there's some room for improvement there. Well, I have to say, it felt really real to me. I was being in the scene with you. That's why I thought the kiss was so real, because your acting was so good. And you went off script, and I flowed with you. Yeah, we improved it. It was cool.

What was the improv? When did that start? When I said the butt thing, about how I was supposed to kiss. Yeah. Okay. I thought so, yeah. Cause that- But the adult woman playing the sexy teen

that says I'm gonna shake my big butt, that's in the script. That was in the script. Okay, okay. And I hope, I mean I don't know who got cast instead. Do you know who this character is in reference to the rest of Stranger Things? Cause I think they're at like 11 years old.

I don't know how- No, I saw who got cast in that part now that it comes to think of it. Now that it comes to think of it. Bella Thorne. Bella Thorne. Ah, I helped her with those lines that little rat. Oh you saw her in the hallway? Yes and she said please please please help me. Oh that's that's the fucking business right? You should not help anyone. No, I'm trying to get into heaven, big boy. Good luck. Thanks for calling me big. Everyone always makes fun of how skinny and small I am. Well, it's sort of like a Kenny Bunkport situation. Little Kenny Bunkport.

Yeah, it's ironic. Little big boy. Little big boy. If you want to get into heaven, you should read Jom's book. Jom's? Jom's. I would love to read it. Hi, I'm Jom's Hoffman. I'm the author of a book, and I was in Movie 43.

What's that? As someone who's been in three major motion pictures. Hi, I'm Joms Hoffman, I'm the author of a book and I was in Movie 43. As someone who's been in three major motion pictures. Are you sure it's only three now? Because I feel like you keep remembering other ones. Is there one you're trying to hide? Yeah, are you moving the GoPro? If he's telling us about Movie 43, he ain't hiding nothing. I'm pretty sure I got them all.

Thanks. Thanks, Todd. Just in case, I'm here to listen. Oh, okay, I appreciate that very much. Todd, take your hand off of his knee. I learned it from you. Scott, Scott, can we? I'm sorry, I beg your pardon.

Ew. Aw, you're British. I beg your pardon, please. Can I have it? I beg your pardon, I didn't promise you a rose garden. That's a song. Am I part of the gang? Yes.

Yes. Are we a gang? I want to be. Can I stay at your house? Ah. Ah. Ooh. Oh, you saw my movie Pitch Perfect 2.

Bella Thorne. Let me just say, you did a good job. Thank you so much. Here's a note. Would you mind if I gave you a direct line read? Please do. All right, so when you say, what's the line again? Which one?

It was, are you going to the dance? I'm going to drink some stuff. I'm going to drink some stuff. I'm going to wear a dress and I'm going to, you better believe in my Shake My Big Butt. Yeah. I would just say, if it were me, I would just say, and I'm a PC,

and that just stopped there. Not everything is all about your computer. Can we try that? Yes. Sure. All right, let's hear it. So, and, harf, okay. Harf?

Sorry, I'm starting. Did you say harf when you started? That's how an actor prepares. Oh, sorry, harf. Yeah, they get rubbed down in alcohol and they say, harf, harf, harf, harf, harf. Hey, are you going to the dance on Thursday? Oh, no, I don't know if I feel like it.

Well, would it change your mind? Stop ad-libbing. Would it change your mind? Can we just do one as written please? Yeah, as written please. Okay, as written. Okay, fine. Just so Robin Williams here.

Just for safety. I'll do it how it says. And Harf. Harf. Hey, are you going to the dance on Thursday? I'm the teacher. Wait, so every line you were improvising before? No wonder she's not doing well. Yeah, no wonder I haven't gotten any.

I'm sorry, I'm going to do it right. I'm the teacher. Let's keep going. Harf. OK. Harf. OK, let's start again. Ready?

Harf. Harf. Hey, are you going to the dance on Thursday? I'm the teacher. And I'm a PC. And I'm a Mac. My name's a PC. And I'm a Mac. My name's Justin Long. And I'm here to tell you about my new film.

She's just not that into me. Now, I don't know about you guys, but I thought that was pretty good. I was actually pretty moved there. That was a real moment. That was on the paper. I've never seen Stranger Things, so I don't get any of the context

with all the Mac and PC stuff. Here's the thing. Stranger Things is this movie about old stuff, where they just replicate old things in culture before. Oh, so then it would make sense to have the Mac and PC references. Yes, it's a movie, that's right. Well, I mean, John, you... or John... John's Hoffman. John's Hoffman.

You're sort of a gatekeeper. Could you get Caroline into a movie? Yes. Or do you have some sort of a gatekeeper. Could you get Caroline into a movie? Yes. Perhaps? Or do you have some sort of- You know Justin Long? Wow, I do. And he's doing that, you're just not that into me.

You're Justin Long that into me. You're Justin nothing into me. That's the long awaited Tegel 2. You're Justin and Kelly. She's just not into you. This one's just about a guy who's like, damn it, she does not like me. I would say if you could get me into some sort of movie

or if you have some sort of peepod, robot, I could crack. How do those two things go together? Were you listening to the earlier part of the show? I feel like she was listening. What's listening? What's listening? What's listening? Oh boy.

Oh. A teacher that doesn't know what listening is? A former teacher. Right. I used to know what listening was. Somebody that I... And I forgot when I got fired for killing all those kids. Are you speaking for me? Yeah, I'm just guessing what you were going to say.

I will say, I didn't kill the kids, they killed themselves. But do you get punishment, like jail? I somehow snuck my way out of it. You left town. I left Tulsa, Alabama, and I came all the way to US of A. Yeah, Hollywood, California. This is pretty much exact, this is mainstream US. This is mainstream. Mainstream USA. You forget Wallstream.

Let's go back to mainstream. Mainstream. Yes. Well, as it happens, I actually, I can help you and I'm really not supposed to talk about this, but I'm showrunning the third season of Stranger Things. No! Now that's exciting. Stranger Things 3. Whoa! Congrats!

Now that's exciting. This is serendipity. Have you thought about a crossover with serendipity? Yes! John Cusack, Kate Beckinsale, Molly Shannon, Jeremy Piven. He's gotta be in it. Jeremy Piven, Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven to you and the rest. Now out on Blu-ray starring John Hodgman.

And not Kevin Spacey. I feel like movies should be like, and there's no Kevin Spacey in this one. Yes, that's. Yeah, we have been decreped for your enjumen. Instead of enjumen. Enjumen. Okay. Oh, oh. You're starting to sound like my uncle. The first half of your book. Look, hold on.

I didn't enjoo the first half as much. We need to take a break. When we come back, John, you're gonna, you have some exciting news about the new season of Stranger Things. All right. Let's take a break. Gino, take us to break. When we come back, we'll have more from Joms Hoffman, more Todd, more Gino, and more Caroline Belinda-Carlo. We'll be right back after this. And. Harf.

Harf. Harf. Harf. Let's take a break. Yeah. Yeah. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. We have of course, Joms Hoffman, Todd, Gino, and also we have our friend Caroline Belinda

Karla who's- Good day, mate. I hope you've been enjoying so far. And Caroline does accents, we just found out, and she was doing them all throughout the break. I was. And- Wow. I'll do another one. Feeling iremon.

Yeah, okay. Is that Irish? Oh, you want to know how to say bacon with Jamaican accent? Say beer can. Beer can. Beer can. Teacher knows it. Beer can.

Beer can. Let me have a piece of that beer can. Break me off a piece of that beer can bar. Todd, don't do that at school, please. Let me have a piece of that beer can. Todd, I've been getting complaints about your racially sensitive material at school. Let me get a piece of that beer can man. Beer can man? Beer can man. It's me, the beer can man, here to give you some beer can, baby.

I could do characters like some of these Flutton Lunatics come by. No one does characters on this show. No, I know, yeah. You should be on other shows. Have you acted, Gina? Because you may know that I'm show running the third season. That's what I want to get to. Yes, I am so interested.

John over here is show running Stranger Things 3. I've done some light acting. I've been the victim of over 200 different prank shows. Oh, really? So what are we talking about? We're talking punked. I've been on punked, yeah. I've been on storage wars, like different prank shows. Oh, really? So what are we talking about? We're talking punked, we're talking punked. I've been on punked, yeah, I've been on Storage Wars, like the prank one, the prank spinoff.

Storage Wars pranks. Abused. I've been on Abused. Right. I was on Cheaters. Hoarders pranks. Yeah, the Hoarders prank one. Cheaters is not really a prank show,

is much of it is. Yeah, well I was fucking this married woman and then I ended up on this prank show, Cheaters. That's pretty funny. Yeah. Did I- Playboy candid camera? Did I say punked reboot? Yeah, then there was candid camera.

Impractical jokesters. Impractical jokers. Imparatible jokers. No, no, I'm talking about impractical jokesters. They're the knockoff. Oh yeah, no. They're four 50-year-old Italian guys. They do comedy together.

Yeah. Yeah, I've been on jokesters and jokers. I played Murdoch's wig in one episode. I've been on... Milla Kunis' backyard. Yeah, I was in Milla Kunis' backyard, the prank show that was streaming. What was the one Chelsea Heller was on?

That was called Chelsea Late Night Prank Show, yeah. And she would bring you out and make you talk about topical news and it felt like a fucking prank. Have you been on Prankster D Brothers? Yes, I've been on Prankster D Brothers, the two twin sketch walls. Yeah, yeah, no idea what they're set. Project Runway?

Yes, that's the one. That's all airplane based Prankster. Survivor. I got on that one. What about 60 Minutes? Were you on that one? Yes, but only in the first half, so technically my resume says 15 minutes. Strangest Things?

Yes, I was on the prank show hosted by Millie Bobby Brown. Is that her name? Yeah. That's a great name. Do you think it's a great name? Yeah, because it makes me think of Bobby Brown who has like not a problematic memory whatsoever. So I've been on a lot of prank shows but no real acting. What usually happens to you on these shows? You know they do things like I go I'm going to see my uncle's grave and it's dug up and they're like, we don't know what happened. Apparently he was still alive when he was buried

and he just got out, we had to kill him. Zombie is another song I sing by the way. Zombie, hey, hey. He doesn't really flush the toilet. He considers all his poops dead. With your bones, with your bones, and your... Sorry. No, sing it.

He loves it. I was practicing. He's getting ready to go to the bathroom. He's doing the potty dance. Oh, he was opening up his butthole. He's doing the space between. He's going to go space between. The spacey between.

Oh. He updates it. The last thing you want is spacey between your cheeks, that's for sure. Oh my God. Too soon. All right. Hashtag too soon. So John, Stranger Things 3.

You have a really natural quality, even though you've not done any scripted acting. Yeah, I've never been known I was being filmed. Right. I've watched over thousands of hours of footage of me with people. Would you mind doing just a quick read with me? Yeah, of course. Just say whatever you feel like. Sure.

So I don't have to read then. I'm just... No, I hear you. Here's this. Sounds good. I'm a PC. I'm a Mac. Great.

You know what? I think you're perfect for this. Oh, that's awesome. That's amazing. Maybe you could trick him into filming him because he might clam up. It's all going to be hidden camera, thank you. Maybe you could trick him into filming him because he might clam up if he knows the camera's here. It's all gonna be hidden camera, found footage. Oh, good, yeah. Oh, yeah.

So, and Todd, you know, we do need some kids in the... What? Would your uncle sign a release to allow you to... Please, please. I could play a kid. To leave your home and come and be... I don't know. Shoot with us in Maine. Please, please. We're shooting in Maine and Vermont.

I could do it as research for my paper. Todd, what are you gonna give me in return? Oh, I didn't say it. You know, the adjective for uncle is avuncular. Right, yes. And avuncular relationships are not usually this transactional. Every time I wanna do something,

I have to give him a hot Snickers. I can't tell you. Just nuke it, 22 seconds. No, I can't put it, I can't use any technology. Both the real thing and the euphemism? Yeah, both. I can't, and I can't use any technology to make it hot. Just your body. Just my body, and I have to give him one euphemism, one and one real one.

Right, I flush the euphemism one down the toilet while I sing Zombie. Zombie. This is the one time when I think being a child actor would be a more wholesome life than not. I'm sorry, but Todd needs discipline and that's just how I run my household. Alright, stay jungle. You can come on up to- Stay juncular.

Stay juncular. So here's the deal. We're shooting this now. Stranger Things, very popular show. Right. Do you have the rights to this? Not yet. Okay, but you'll get there. I think

they'll understand. Okay, once they see your movie 43 reel. Yeah, they would have to have some real... How do I put this? How do you put this? Let me freeze. I'll allow it. I could understand why they might get mad at someone stealing from them, stealing whole concepts and ideas. They have a real strong leg to stand on if anyone were to steal any concepts or ideas or motifs. Yeah, they have a policy of strict originality in all things. And so I could understand that they might get upset about it. But it's just in the spirit of cultural homage is what I'm doing. Cultural appropriation. You know what I mean? It's like this is is stranger things and stranger things to are all things that we loved as kids And this is a chance to relive that pleasure and we're shooting it up

It was originally set shooting it up, but we're shooting we're cgme eyeing it up in in Maine Yes I might be able to get up to 10 medallions And the spirit in the spirit of stranger things and sort of trying something new and taking some risks, we're just doing a shot by shot remake of the entire third season of Newhart. Oh my gosh. That's really when Larry David, no, Larry David, Darryl. Larry David, Darylson and my other brother Larry David, Darylson.

What if Larry David were on? William Sanderson is the actor. In a way Larry David is the name Daryl. Right. other brother Larry David Darylson. What if Larry David were on? William Sanderson is the actor that you're thinking of. In a way Larry David is the name Daryl. Right. In a way. Yeah. If you really think about it in the old bumble tree. Yeah, put it in the bumble tree. Put it in the bumble tree, shake a couple of branches

and look what falls down. Larry David is pretty much Daryl. Shake a couple of tree poops, AKA books out of it, and read them. AKA book zombies. Do you have, John zombies do you have jobs do you have room for Caroline here and oh you know I'm casting all three of you that's a 50 year old woman with a big old butt yes gonna play a kid no she's gonna play Todd she's gonna play Peter Scolari

blism buddy yeah that's right also well better known for Newhart I was better known for girls yeah oh boy millennial right here, am I right? Girls. Okay, well you're gonna play the kid. Where are you watching girls, Todd? Where are you watching that? Uh, nowhere. Uh...

Don't tell me you've been accessing my HBO Go account. I have, and I saw you only watch real sex. That's why I have HBO. Scott loves the on the street segments. Real couples. They's why I have HBO. Scott loves the on the street segments. Real couples. They're so funny. They're really revealing about the human condition.

Real sex takes seven. Click. Gino, you're going to play Tom Poston in Stranger Things 3. Oh, I love this. I've never seen Newhart. Is that going to be a problem? No, it's perfect. I've never seen Stranger Things,

but I have seen all of Steven Spielberg's and John Carpenter's work, would I be okay? Have you read any Stephen King books? I've read a bunch of Stephen King books. Well, you might be able to find a way into that world somehow. You might be a stranger things. If you!

If you were! If you! If you watched a Stephen King movie, you might be a stranger thing. What are you guys all doing? I don't know. Me neither, I'm a trance. Will there be housing?

What's that? Will there be housing? We're all gonna live in an inn together. There will be housing. There will be. If you drink my milkshake, there will be housing. You have been watching There Will Be Blood, have you?

If you drink my gentle old pudding milkshake. There will be housing. If you drink my pudding milkshake. Oh, wait a minute. There will be housing. I promised everyone that this culture, this piece of culture would be decreed for their enjubment. No, that's all I let Todd watch. Don't cause me vehicles. I promised everyone that this culture, this piece of culture would be decreped for their enjubment.

No, that's all I let Todd watch. Their enjubment. Don't cause me vehicles. I love that guy. He's a great comedian. He's still on tour. Lennar Pertsix. Still out there.

Baskin' in other people getting some attention for a minute. Well, guys, this is exciting. I mean, you're all in a movie. I don't know why, whose dick I have to suck to get in this movie, but... I give you two clues. Well, it's not a movie. He just put out his balls. It's a streaming television. A streaming television. I don't know whose dick I have to suck to get in this movie, but... I give you two clues. Well, it's not a movie. He just put out his balls.

It's a streaming television. A streaming television. I'll give you two clues right here. Whoa! Holy shit, man. Those are purple! Yeah, I had them twisted up for the sake, you know, just to get into character for that scene.

I thought I was playing a young boy, so I twisted my nuts up real tight. Oh, gosh. Now they're slowly unwinding like a tenderball set. That is so slow. I know. Well, they're slowly unwinding like a tennis ball. So slow I know well, they're stuck together, you know, right? Cuz my balls you get they get like velcro even though this hot. Oh, they stick together thing You should shave your pubes. I can't so wait the pubes on I wish the pubes on one ball are shaved and on the other So my balls fold in on themselves, which is fun for hiding a roll of quarters at like the laundromat or wherever.

Sure. Sure. But it really doesn't serve any purpose. So fun for that. Yeah. When we're all living together in Maine, I feel like we can get really close and we can help each other out with things like that. You're going to help with their travel accommodations with your diamond status, right?

Oh yeah. Really? Yeah. And our pubic hair? Really? I can help our pubic hair? Really? I can help with one, let me check my diamond medallion perks. Yeah, what kind of perks do you have on there?

Does it list your perks? What if we can't, what if we're afraid to fly? Can we ride in the banger bus? Let me just scroll down. I have something from the universal life church that he can get into the... I have one seat on the banger bus with one complimentary upgrade. Oh, I'll take it. Yeah, I'll do comfort plus on the b Life Church. Yes. That he can get into the... I have one seat on the BangerBus with one complimentary upgrade. So I'll take it. Yeah, I'll do Comfort Plus on the BangerBus. And then in terms of Velcro balls... I'm half-half. I don't see anything here. I can get you a free upgrade on a Hertz Subcompact. Well, I'll take that. And if you can get me a Luvo

Veggie Wrap, that would be ideal. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so look, I mean, this is the first, the Delta app has really helped us out here. Hey, they're a sponsor. You know, the bumper sticker on my car is, my Delta app is my line producer. They're going to love this conversation. On your Vespa? Yeah. Hey, what's it? On your Vespa.

I'm sorry, I peeled that sticker off to put what I thought was a valet ticket into what I thought was a horse's ass. Oh, Gino, come on. You put it in the horse's it? On your vest bag. I'm sorry, I peeled that sticker off to put what I thought was a valet ticket into what I thought was a horse's ass. Oh, Gino, come on. You put it in the horse's ass. I was blaming it on the valet guy because I, you know. Blame it on valet. Yeah, yeah. Okay guys, we're running out of time.

Thanks fucking God. I can sit here and talk to you guys forever. You're all my best friends. I'm gonna miss you when you go up to me. Yeah, I'm sorry we don't have a role for you in Stranger Things 3. I get it. A shot by shot remake of the third season of Newhart. Is there not a character with like a mutton chops

that shows their taint the whole time? No, there's no. You see my work. There's no other, there's no character that's appropriate for you, Scott, I'm sorry. That's fine, I get it, I get it. I put my friends into everything that I've ever done and they never put me in their thing, that's appropriate for you Scott, I'm sorry. That's fine, I get it, I get it. I put my friends into everything that I've ever done and they never put me in their thing, that's fine.

That was a miscalculation on your part. It really was. But we do have one last feature on the show and that's a little something called Plugs. Closer to the mic. Maybe you and I, maybe you and I, two of us, who these people are, what they do and where they go. Closer to the mic. How to follow its plugs. All right, Toronto Margo, that was its plugs.

Invest in some sort of equipment. Maybe they were just a little nervous. They are someone who is submitting a song to a podcast. Sure, but they make take twos. That's fair enough. That's true. Well, that's right. We should let them know. This is the third time we've recorded this entire podcast. Jared Sussman Sorry, but they make take twos. Pete Slauson That's fair enough. That's true. Well, that's right. We should let them know this is the third time we've recorded this entire podcast. Jared Sussman Oh, yeah. We did two whole hours.

Pete Slauson And we were like, this is not working. Let's take it from the time. Now, we just got it. Jared Sussman You know, I have to thank you for that note after take one, where it's like, you said to me, instead of saying enjoyment, say enjumen. Pete Slauson Yeah, because then we could riff on the Jew stuff for a little bit. And're like still like the only you know Thank you for that that's that that's on you not on me I'll take all the juice up here. Don't worry. That's you. That's fair

What sounded like a miss speaking on my part was actually you telling me that was a rewrite I'm gonna take the credit for when I told you guys it would be it would be something special if you both coughed at the same Time. Oh, yeah, that was good. That was great. It was adventure. It was a moment of real humanity. Exactly, that's what this podcast needs. Speaking of humanity, we are humans with things to plug, so what are we gonna plug here? John, you?

Well, I'm here discussing, in LA, discussing my book, Vacation Land, which is available now for purchase at all your favorite book shops. Mm-hmm. Oh, interesting. I just got an order. Hey, you guys, I just got, I just made Delta Diamond.

Whoa! Wow! Yeah, so. Congratulations. That was like the cut scenes in Shark Tank. Yeah. Where they go, we just got a 30th order, yay! I have to, it's not a plug exactly,

but I've got to immediately get over to LAX for an induction ceremony. That's going to be very sexy. I also have a podcast called the Jums Jums Hoffman podcast on maximumfun.org and I have one special message to the creators of Stranger Things. Look, folks, we've had a lot of fun today. And I hope if you're listening right now, They are, obviously. My poking fun at your fantastic television show in no way reflects

both my desire and frankly need to have a job. You can check out my work in movie 43, Pitch Perfect 2, Baby Mama. You could have stopped at movie 43. They get it. And I just want to say say don't be mad at me My name is John Hodgman. I'm 46 years old 5 foot 10 189 pounds I live in Brooklyn, but I'm willing to travel. Thank you. Maybe if you're five. Oh All right, great. So what are you plugging? I want to plug two things two podcasts, okay Okay, all right. Actually three. Why are you listening to podcasts? Um, cuz I, okay? Okay, all right, fine. Actually three. Why are you listening to podcasts?

Cause I'm allowed to do whatever I friggin' want. Oh, shut up. Ever heard of it? Don't you fucking talk back to me, Todd. I'm sorry. Okay, listen to with special guests, Lauren Lapkus, listen to Raise By TV, and listen to Wild Horse is the Perspective podcast. They're all right here on your Ulf and Stitcher.

Okay, okay, what is Raised by TV? It's John Gabris and Lauren Lapkus talking about TV from the 80s and 90s and all the shit they remember from their childhoods. Oh, that sounds sick, dude. Geno, you wanna plug something? Yeah, I was gonna just plug, you know, I have a handful of Long Island comedians

that are all my favorites. We got Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld. Of course, Alec Baldwin, my favorite SNL character. And then John Gabras. He doesn't have to, I would make a big plea for Stranger Things to cast him, but it's not happening. This guy is mostly a podcaster at this point in his career. Well, still.

He probably goes out and auditions. Oh yeah, no, based on some of his podcasts, he goes out on a lot of auditions, and he's working with it. At some point, he'll break through. Oh yeah, yeah, no, I based on some of his pockets he goes out on a lot of auditions and you know, he's working with it You know at some point he'll break through. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but until then he's got a bunch of podcasts You could check out one is called high and mighty one is called raised by TV like this. I was talking about that's so funny That we cool both fans that same Wow, and then his other podcast is called with special guests Lauren Lapkus All right, Caroline, what do you plug in?

I would like to plug in my hairdryer. Ha It's called The Good Place and it's on NBC. NBC, that's right. And it's off the air for a couple of months. It comes back January 4th. January 4th, that's great. And what a wonderful show that is. That's like the perfect amount of time to catch up completely and then ride it live. That's a great idea. Isn't the first season on Netflix? The first season's on Netflix, the second season's on Hulu and NBC.com.

Those are three of my favorite websites. You could take two months to catch up or you could probably do it in a damn day. I think I might have. Yeah, I think you might have. Those episodes are about 20 minutes. That's the length of a podcast. Less than a podcast. Podcast?

A podcast. Yeah, this is a 20-minute podcast once I finish all the editing. Yeah. Once I take out my voice, all Hodgman's head and duty all writes them. You probably could watch the entire season one in the length of this podcast. Yeah, probably. Speaking of podcasts, I want to plug this is the last one of the year for the voting. Voting is going to open up here for the best ofs.

This is the last one that's eligible. It's Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving. So we made it just under the best ofs. This is the last one that's eligible. It's Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving. So we made it just under the wire, guys. Oh, please. See you at the best ofs. Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo. It's a European police siren, like in the Bourne movies. So head on over there to earwolf.com.

We'll have the voting open. I'm not sure if it's open today or if it's gonna be open on Monday, but. Either way, I don't give a fuck. I don't know, maybe we'll have it open today so that for Thanksgiving, when people are just sitting around the house. Hating their family. You know like when everyone's sitting around

right before they say grace, they go, did everyone vote for company bank bank payments? So let's open it up today, this is the last one that's eligible. I'll tell you what else has opened up. Kevin Spacey's butt hole. Is that what you're gonna say? Well, I think we have an episode title.

I also want to say PCAST Blast is on here in LA. It's Saturday, no, sorry, Sunday, December 10th. We have some great shows. We have Comedy Bang Bang with Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkus and some special guests. We have How Did This Get Made with Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael and Jason Manzoukas and I believe Doug Benson said he was gonna be on that. And we also have Improv for Humans with which I believe John Gabris, the aforementioned John Gabris. Yeah, everyone's

favorite Long Island comedian John Gabris will be there. And we have Who Charged It, Playing Games with Jimmy Pardo and Hollywood Handbook all of that for one ticket that is Sunday December 10th PCAST Blast here in LA at the theater at the Ace Hotel and that's gonna be a fun day so go get tickets it's the pin tweet on my Twitter so go get tickets there alright let's close up the old plug bag I'm talking about opening bags. I'm talking about opening bags. I'm talking about opening bags. I'm talking about opening bags. I'm talking about opening bags. I'm talking about opening bags.

I'm talking about opening bags. I'm talking about opening bags. I'm talking about opening bags. All right, guys, I want to thank you so much for being here, John. It's always great to see you. Thanks for making time for it. I know that you're mid travels, you're on your way to Phoenix, and that's right Just think this in and you even moved in now or so I appreciate that

It's always my pleasure to be here, but bing-bong. Goodbye. That's right your cat's phrase Caroline Belinda Carlisle so good to see you again What's it? What's that quick kiss quick kiss me and you I can't kiss you on the bus. Please don't show it Todd quick kiss? Yep. Okay. Not you, her! Oh no!

Oh no, I thought it was her butt. And Gino. Your butt looks like a woman's. That's the other song I sing. Your butt is like a woman's. Butt looks like a woman's. Bam, bam. Butt looks like a woman's.

Gino, take us out. We'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. All right, just note to the editor, let's use this last take, the last 90 or so minutes, not the first two and a half hours recorded. Okay, and we're out.