Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: LasSie is Benji (Rhys Darby, Paul F. Tompkins, Matt Apodaca)

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

On this Bonus Bang, actor and comedian Rhys Darby ("Flight of the Conchords," "What We Do in the Shadows") joins Scott for a SFX showcase and to wonder if aliens exist. Alimony Tony shares his signature song parody process, and local grocer Albert Roe returns to protect his neck. Originally released on May 10, 2020. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. Now, we are in the middle of our bonus bang series. We're calling Even Moramoni Tony, a sequel to last year's Moramony Tony, I think it was. Yeah, this is even more Amoni Tony. This series features Alamoni Tony, aka Tony Jack Yerone, played by Paul F. Tompkins. And this episode is titled Lassie is Benji. It was originally released as episode 654 on May 10th, 2020. Now, 2020, you know what that means.

This is our Zoom era because of COVID lockdowns. This was actually Alamone Tony's fourth appearance on the show. And who else is on? We start off with Reese Darby. You may know great comedian and actor from Flight of the Concords. Then we have Paul F. Tompkins is Alamony Tony, the man who loves to pay alimony. And then we have Matt Apodaca as grocery store owner Albert Rowe from Kissies, of course. And this is also a rare comedy bang bang, bang after dark session because we were recorded it at night due to the time difference between us in L.A. and Reese was in New Zealand.

So enjoy this late night feel if there is. one. I don't know. Anyway, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, as well as other shows like CBB Presents, since Scott hasn't seen, the neighborhood listen, college town, become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives. Every live episode, live episho, is that a word, epishow? It should be. Every live episode that we've ever done, we have ad-free new epishos. More original epishos. It's a great time over there at CBB World. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang,

but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. If you have red hair We're put up for adoption and sing for no reason, you just might be an Annie. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, yes, thank you to Gino's Gooch. Gino's Gooch for that wonderful catchphrase submission.

Thank you, Gino's Gooch. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. And this is a rare, rare comedy bang bang after dark. We so seldom record them at nighttime, but nighttime is the right time, of course. And as Arsenio Hall once said, it's a night thing, mainly due to the fact that his show was on late at night. Well, welcome to the show. This is a night edition for us.

We are certainly mourning in America, but it is not mourning in America for us. However, for one of our guests, it is the afternoon because we have such a drastic time difference. And that'll be very exciting. We'll go through exactly what the time difference is. this is going to take up the majority of the interview, I would imagine. It's just figuring it out and laying down, well, if LA time is this, what is New Zealand time? That'll be, that'll take a good 20, 25 minutes, I would imagine. My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of the show, and we have a very exciting show. Coming up a little later, we have a grocer, someone who owns a grocery store. We also have, I think this guy is independently wealthy. I can't remember if he has a job. But we'll be talking here. And by the way, I'm not talking about you, Reese, although you may be independently wealthy. I have no idea.

I haven't looked up celebrity net worth at this point of exactly how much you have in the bank. But if you wouldn't mind disclosing that information during the interview, we certainly can do that. I mentioned his first name. He is our first guest. He is coming to us from New Zealand. He is a wonderful comedian, a wonderful actor. You know him from such shows as Flight of the Concords, a great. movie I just saw for the first time the other day, Hunt for the Wilder people.

You know him from so much stuff. He has a new podcast, which may be out already, may be coming out soon. We don't know. That's going to take up another good 35-minute chunk of the interview. It's called aliens like us. And maybe that means that aliens don't despise us. Maybe they just like us. I don't know.

Or maybe aliens are similar to us. That'll take up another chunk. please welcome to the show Reese Darby welcome back to the show hello Reese thank you thank you for having me and yes that title it's the old Darby double meaning what the old DDM

yeah you're kidding me oh yeah you know how did we how did we get one of those so soon well I saved one for you guys what exactly is the double meaning it's uh describe the two meanings because I'm not sure what the word double means Okay, well, for Americans, let me describe how this works.

Okay. So there's one meaning that the phrase can mean. I'm on board. Okay, so that's pretty ordinary, average. Yep, I'm saying something, it has a meaning. And when you double it, now this is particularly in the Derby Double, you get more than one meaning out of the phrase. Now, this is so good for the economy as well, as you can imagine. Well, you're working smarter, not harder.

Am I right? Absolutely. So I try to put double meaning into a lot of things, giving the population, you know, more chance of understanding it, putting it in their own basket. You can, you can, it's the yin and the yang of speech. What are some of the other projects you've been involved with that have double meanings? I'm really fascinated with this.

Well, one of the, one of my early shows, walking and talking. Yeah, which it was a fairly obvious double meaning, you know, you're walking. What is the double meaning? You're definitely, I can picture it right now. You are walking while you're actually talking. Is that one of the meanings? That's right. But the other meaning, which is quite complex, but I'm talking specifically about walking and talking.

You're talking about the show that you're doing? Yes, so the show itself, I would be talking about talking and the subject of walking. Now, there was only two episodes. Is it possible to walk about walking? Yeah, I think so. I mean, well, at least I thought so, but the show got canned on episode three when I did just do the walk about the walk. So in the middle of episode three, they just canceled it. I didn't know a podcast could get canceled like that.

It was one of the only mid-episode cancels that New Zealand's ever had. Because I, look, I've canceled my share of podcast in my day as a podcast in Prasario, but you usually wait until the episode is aired. You bring someone in, you lower the boom. Actually, there's this guy in the office who usually I make do it, this guy, Matt. And he's the guy, he's kind of our, who is the guy in Moneyball, who basically, oh yeah, my second favorite Mr. Bean movie, Billy Bean, he would call people in and he would just say, you've been let go with a team. He wouldn't give any sort of like, you know, preamble or anything like that.

He just got bad news out of the way. A cold let go. Which is different than a cold Lithgow, which was John Lithgow in his early movies. Wait, did he die? Oh no, no. Well, as a press time, you never know what's going on. Look, we just heard about Roy from Siegfried and Roy. I mean, it's a terrible time here in America. It's a horrendous time. So now what is the show about? Are you an alien in it? Are you the titular us? Well, yeah. I mean, here's your double meanings coming through. And I'm thinking now it's possibly a triple meaning because I myself and. I, myself, am. an alien with regards to living in America, an alien with exceptional abilities as per the visa

requirements, which then gave me, you know, the green card. And that is, by the way, something that you need to prove somehow that they don't just give green cards to anyone. You have to have exceptional abilities. Are you tested during that process? Yeah, well, they, I think there's some really heavy Googling that they do. Okay. Because, yeah, I had to put a lot of fake stuff up online about, you know, projects I've done. Obviously, I put out walking and talking, uh, one of my other shows, which was canceled as well, uh, fishing for answers, which was another, another double meaning show.

It was a fishing show. Um, and yeah. So, but I, but there's no, there's no devil went down to Georgia's style like face-to-face comedy off that you have with another entertainer where you prove that you're more exceptional than they are. Oh no, you've got to do that. Yeah, I had to go to San Francisco and do a sound effects off against Michael Winslow, which of course was... No! Oh yeah, that was tricky. What, so what put you over the top? And first of all, what did, is it like a spelling bee where you get the same sound effect and then you say use it in a sentence? I wish. I wish, in fact, uh, I would, I would pitch that for the next,

uh, for the next meeting. But, um, no, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, We just sort of jumped on stage together and we did sound effects. He would do some great stuff with his, you know, the loud haler. He would do a lot of good megaphone work. I brought in my doors opening. I'm famous for creaky door. You know, that kind of thing. That is the longest, creakiest door I think I've ever heard.

That is a master class in a creepy door. Thank you. The longest I've done is three minutes 20. Wow. Unfortunately, yeah, that show was canceled too, mid-creek, which was disappointing. Wasn't that show called Dawson's Creek as well? That's another show. No, this one was called.

Yeah, I'm still working on that one. That's actually the name of my creek here on the property. The previous owner, John Dawson, sold me this land for very cheap. And then unfortunately died in the creek. So that's something we have. Oh no, he sold it to you and then died before he could vacate the property? Yeah, in the creek, and he's still there now. So it's...

So what sound effect was it that put you over the top with Winslow? Because Winslow has the motorcycle. He has... I'm trying to think of some other famous Winslow's from those Police Academy movies. I have, of course, the Doppler Effect train, which I've done many times on the show that... Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, he did trains. He also did

and various motor vehicles but I blew the audience away with my helicopter and I think that was the clincher. Rick, could we hear a little bit of the helicopter right now? Yep, here we go. So this was the Hughes 300

coming in. Okay, imagine it. Here we go. So that was my that was the green card there. Right there. Right there. I remember the guy at the back standing up, just applauding. And he actually yelled out, green card.

I couldn't believe it. So that was my end. Well, that's amazing. I mean, we're so glad that you are, of course, able to work as an entertainer here. You've been in so many great things over here. And this podcast, you're, so is it about, and I have no information on this podcast, so I'm going blind. So I'm just going to ask you the dumbest. Treat me like I'm the dumbest idiot.

you've ever met. And explain this podcast to me and kind of try to sneer in your voice if you could, like you're tired of dealing with this dumb idiot. You know, just treat me like that if you could. Okay, I'll try my best. You fool. Look, it's basically about aliens, okay? Aliens are like us because aliens are us.

We like aliens because they are us. us we're liking. Now, going back in time, which by the way aliens can do, specifically if they are us, one of the theories about UFO craft is that they are time-travelling humans from the future. And there was a lot of evidence to support that. The other theory that we bring up, ancient aliens, you would have seen that, or at least heard of that TV show, ancient astronaut theory, the idea that in the past... Treat me like the dumbest idiot in the world. I've never heard of that TV show.

Okay, okay, we'll come... Okay, sit down for a start. Okay, I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry, I've been standing the entire time. Okay, stop touching me. Now just sit down, have a glass of water, and put your headphones on and turn your microphone around the right way. Good.

That's it. Put your shirt back on. Good. Good boy. Okay. Have you heard of aliens? I don't know. All right, we're out of time.

Okay, bye. If you could be a guy who's out there in the world hopping from dimension to dimension, would you? Oh, yeah, are you kidding me? That's my dream. I was not kidding you, but now I feel insecure. Like, I should have been kidding you, like I should have been joking. You've made me feel small, Reese.

So this is a podcast that stars you. Is it just you? Is it just you talking the whole time? Or do you talk to other people? It is me and a series of mirrors and microphones and audio equipment. Michael Winslow's there. And, of course, you know, the U.S. government, a green card officer. He's there in the back, really, the entire time checking up on you?

Well, he pops in from time to time and just checks on the level of my hilarity. And if it slips, he sort of pats him me on the shoulder and just whispers, remember that green card deal we had? So currently, like, what level of hilarity are you at? Like, what percentage are you at an 80? I try to keep it a solid seven. Seven percent, really? No, seven out of ten.

Oh, okay. So 70 percent. I guess so, if you put it into percentages. but yeah I have a couple of co-hosts buttons you would have heard of him and Ethan Edenberg so those and I've got an American and Buttons is an alien like me from New Zealand

so that's us three Ethan producers and then we have regular guests some are irregular but most are fully regular well I got to say I'm jealous of you because I've been doing the show for 11 years now. It just seems like my guests, like every once in a rare while,

I get a great talent like you, Reese, who is, it just delivers and is truly exceptional the way that it says on your green card. But then I get these irregular guests, these, if I could be frank, just these weirdos coming in here all the time. I don't know how to keep them out.

I mean, do you have like some sort of vetting process or... What is that? That's my phone. Oh, your phone's ringing? Oh, do you, do you, want to take that or? Hello? Hey there, I just checking up on you with the green card situation.

You're dropping to a six. Now, I just want you to get through this podcast. I know it's not easy. It's not fun, but it's just part of the requirements. If you could just push it up to a seven, possibly an eight, and then we'll let you through to the next round. All right, it's green card, John. Out.

Sorry, guys. Yeah, so that's okay. Who was that? We didn't hear any of that on my end. Oh, Green Card John. It's my... Green Card John was checking up on you? He is thorough. He's great, but he never lets up. Like, every day when I wake up, there's often a message on my phone. I've got to stay at a solid seven, as he says, and it looks like we're slipping a bit here. So if we can get a bit more hilarity out, Scott, that'd be much of pride. I'll definitely try to... I don't know that I can supply any on my end, but... Do you have to be funny while you're sleeping?

Does that tie into the average? Do you have to be at a 10 when you're not sleeping because when you're sleeping you're out of one? He wants to be funny in the lucid dream part of my sleep. So every few hours as I'm waking, I need to sort of be funny in that sense. So I try my hardest. I have a notebook next to my bed with funny ideas

and that I look at and try to make those ideas come true in my lucid. dreams. That's when I hope to sort of actually enter other dimensions. Oh, okay. So most people when they're dreaming, they wake up, dream of something funny and write it down in the notebook. You keep funny things in the notebook by your bed to look at when you wake up. That's right. Interesting. That's an interesting process. Well, you know, we learn so much about the man behind the work that we've come to know and love here. Aliens Like Us is a podcast. It's out there. Where can people get it? I guess anywhere podcasts are or

is it a Patreon or how do people listen to this? This is a Spotify exclusive podcast. So yeah, it's mainly on Spotify. It sounds like it's exclusive to it. Just from context clues that I picked up on. Yeah, there's some subtle clues coming through here. And this is all stuff I've been told to say. But yeah, it's all out there now.

We've got 10 apps. You can binge the whole thing. and we have amazing guests. We've got Jim Jeffries, who I know you guys know. We've got Jack Osborne, who's a big believer in UFOs and stuff. Really? And also, yeah, absolutely for Realzy. And also, you know, we've got a plethora of actual, legit UFO people that weigh in on the phenomenon.

So, yeah, it's a lot of fun. Did you get that Tom DeLange guy on there? I bet he's someone you want on, right? Yeah, I'd love to talk to that guy. He's very much down the rabbit hole and we're trying to dig as much as we can to find him. He's in hot demand. So I'm thinking if we go forward into the future, he'd be a hot guest for sure. I think you could probably get the other guy from Blink 182 easier.

Oh, yeah, we've had the rest of them. Sure, yeah, of course. But Tom, he's a slippery guy. you think about, we were talking about this the other day on the show, but it's not NASA. Who's in charge of Area 51?

But they basically released all of these tapes saying like, oh yeah, here's all of our archived UFO tapes. Go crazy. Yeah, we have no idea what they are and they might be aliens. Who knows? Did you get a chance to look at those? It's subtle.

I've got a big laugher on the other end. I don't know. I think that's a future guest. It's one of the things while doing the show remotely. I think our future guest sounds like he's a big fan of what's going on. Oh, okay. Well, that's good. If that gets us up into the eight zone, I'd appreciate that.

In fact, that's what I used to do when I did my stand-up. It felt like it was slipping. I'd just laugh heavily myself on stage. And it's, you know, how it's kind of addictive. Everyone would just start laughing eventually. And sometimes I'd close on that. Just a big laugh. Maybe we could close on that for this episode.

I think that might be a good idea. I think that would be perfect. Honestly, it's working on me already. Oh, please. Wonderful. Well, aliens like us is out there, much like the truth was out there on the X-Files, which was a show about aliens. So the connections are there if you look for them.

And all 10 episodes are available to binge right now, which... Best way to hear. Best way to hear. Benji. Remember that dog? Benji, yes. Do you remember the movie for the love of Benji? No, didn't see that one. That was one of the sequels to Benji. I believe there was Benji. Then maybe Benji returned.

and then the third one in the trilogy was, for the love of Benji. That's funny. Which is sort of like an epithet almost like Benji is tantamount to Jesus Christ, you know, for the love of Christ. Yeah, he's really been elevated there. I wonder if anyone's actually binged the Benjys.

Oh, I would hope so. Done a full Benjie Benji Benji. Benji might have been the Jesus of dogs when you think about it. I mean, no other dog really has had so many. movies done about him. If you discount Lassie, for sure. Lassie was a TV star, though. Did he have movies?

Yes, he did, Scott. Oh, he did, he had movies. Who can forget, uh, Benji? That was a Benji movie, though. That was, sorry to say. See, you're getting confused. That was actually a Benji movie. Unfortunately, that was a Lassie movie.

That was, that was one of the Lassie movies. Yeah, that's where they went wrong with the guy. His first movie was called Benji. See, yeah. I feel like Lassie was a TV star. It's so hard to translate, you know, and like segue from TV into film. Obviously, you don't have that problem.

You are the star of both the small screen and the, but with screens getting smaller these days, sometimes the screens in your house, you know, on TV are bigger than the screens in the movie theaters. That's controversial. I barely wanted to say it, but... It's getting weird. It's crazy.

Well, Rees, Aliens Like Us is the show. It's out there. Apparently, Spotify loves it so much. They want to keep it to themselves. So you must have an active Spotify account or at least be sharing a Spotify account. Do you want to give out your Spotify account just so people can share it?

What is that? I'm not sure. It's just your password. Like, probably your... Oh, right. Your Spotify password is probably... the same as like your email password. So if you just tell us that.

Lassie is Benji. Okay, Lassie is Benji. Anything capitalized there? The last S and Lassie. Okay, the very last S. The last S of two. Well, wonderful. Aliens like us, people can binge it

right now. And Rees, can you stick around? We have another guest that we want to get to right now. Absolutely. Well, you know, I don't know whether this next guest has a double meaning to his name. I'm excited to find out. As far as I know, he has one single name, and it has to do with one characteristic of his personality. Now, Reese, this is a guy who's been on the show a few times before, and I can't remember exactly anything about him other than he has had a lot of ex-wives, and he pays a lot of money to them.

please welcome back to the show Alamoni Tony Hello Tony Oh Scott what a pleasure Thank you for having me back on the program It's so good to see you Reese great to meet you too Thank you very much for welcoming me On to the show as the second guest

This is very exciting for me It is very exciting now Reese Have you heard of Alamony Tony before He's sort of well-renowned In the state He rings a bell I'd be extremely flattered Oh come now you haven't heard of Alamony Tony

Perhaps you've heard of my alter ego my musical alter ego, weird amoni alimony Tony, where I do song parodies. Oh, that's right. Nom de satire, weird amony alimony Tony. What were some of your famous song parodies, by the way? Well, none of them were famous. As you recall, all of my YouTube videos have one view,

and that's me checking to make sure that it's been uploaded properly. And what I do is I take popular songs, much like Weird Al Yenegovic, I take popular songs of the day, and I rewrite the lyrics to make them amusing and not what the song was originally about. Do your parodies actually, like Weird Al's, he usually rhymes his words.

His new titles rhyme with the old titles. That's right, yes. Another one bites the dust. He does another one rides the bust. Do you follow that logic with your parodies? I often do. Sometimes I do not. Really?

So what in the... Well, we're really getting the info here, aren't we? Well, what? Name a song. Name a song and I'll tell you what the parody title may or may not be. Okay. How about Lady Gaga's and Bradley Cooper's shallow? Shallow.

So you take the house, how's that go? Shallow, shallow, shallow, shall. Can I say it seems like you're stalling for time? No, I'm thinking. Is that the same thing as stalling for time? I'm not quite sure. Well, I guess one could... I feel like...

I feel like my process is very transparent. I'm repeating the word shallow over and over again and saying, what does that rhyme with? I don't think that is stalling for time. I'm literally trying to think of a word that rhymes with shallow. I know you like to accuse people of this. This is not one of those instances. Okay, well, maybe you could start at the beginning of the alphabet.

I believe transparency is important. Yes, aloe. Oh, there we go. Is it right there? Perfect. Perfect. So I've got a, you know, the song is about, I've got a bird and I have to put aloe. on it. Okay.

And I'm not, I'm not close to it. It's in the medicine cabinet. So I say, I'm far from the alo now. Okay, but you're, you're trying to make the way. Where's the aloe? Allo, alo. Where's the ala la la la la lo? Where's the ala? I'm far from the alo now. Do you see? I see. I get the point. So what are one of the ones that did not rhyme, though? Well, they'll tell you. I thought that's what we did before. No, Allo Rhyde with Shallow. I know. What do you have to do it again?

It's a fun process. Reese, do you have a favorite song that maybe he could parody for something? Well, I've always been a fan of Return to Sender, you know, the Elvis. Return to Sender, Elvis Presley, wonderful song. Based upon the wonderful post office. That's right. It was one of the few songs. Please, you have to please, Mr. Postman.

You have one of the other great post office songs. Can you buy me a roll of one cent stamps? That's right. Forever and Ever stamps. Saluting aeronautics, the song. Elvis Presley tribute stamp. Elvis Presley actually sang that song. Elvis Presley tribute stamp.

Do da, doda. See, that's a song, Parry. That's a bonus. Thank you for the bonus. Let's see. Return to Senator. Okay. So what would be a song parody title that would not rhyme, but would be a parody of return to stay?

Seems like there are way more words that you could use for this. Well, that's the thing. That's the thing. I have to go through the alphabet for each individual word. So return. What rhymes with return? Wait, so I thought you were trying to think of things that did not rhyme with return. Exactly.

So I start there and then I say, can't use that one. It seems to me like you could start in the dictionary and just go word. by word like A and then Ardvark. Now I use the I use the Sherlock Holmes deductive reasoning method which is I take the possible eliminate that I'm left with the impossible. Okay, all right. So

what rhymes with what rhymes? So what rhymes So what rhymes, okay, now you're going to head of yourself because sender's at the end. So we need to know where the sentence begins and so we start with We're doing every word? I thought, look, that's what I, this is what you asked me to do and this is what I'm doing

this is my process. Okay. I thought you more interested in the creative process than actually coming up with a song. I guess that I found in this interview I'm more interested in the results. Oh, I see. Well, then I could come back later and I'd give you the result. It's going to take you that long to think of a word that doesn't rhyme with sender or return? Well, because first I have to come up with the words that do rhyme, eliminate them. Let's go through a bender, fender, gender.

Out. They rhyme, out. Lender, mender. Can't use it. Can't use it. Pender, pretender. Is Hender a word? Probably not.

Now, see, this is the problem with the alphabet method. Sometimes you stumble upon words that aren't real. And then what do you do? You get stuck on those for a while. You say, well, Hender, is that a word I don't know about? What do you do? Because it does rhyme, but it's not a real word. Yeah.

And it's a Hender's son is a name. So if you're the son of Hender, was Hender one of those jobs like Smith where there was a town Hender. It's like, oh, you'll have to take that to the Hender to have it. ended. And that John fell in a favor. Speaking of John Lithgow, Harry and the Hender's sons. Was he in that? I was not speaking of John Lithgow, were you?

Oh, before you came on the show, we were speaking of John Lithgow. I mean, I think I've spoken of them in my life, if that counts. What were the things that you said about him? Did you see that new John Lithgow show? It's called Third Rock from the Sun. So this is going back quite a ways. Some of the other words would be tender. Can't use it.

Vendor. Obviously, vendor. Can't use it. Can't use it. I'm running out of ideas. Is that about all? Wender? Someone who wins their way?

Wender can't use it. Okay, Reese, do you have any on your mind? We're still stuck on Sender, are we? Exactly. We need to eliminate the words that rhyme with Sender so I could come up with a word to put in its place that in no way rhymes with. We haven't even a word. approached return at this point.

What about all right, well, what about blender? Bender. Can't use it. Can't use it. All right, so that's gone. That's a good, as a shame, that's a good one. That was a really good. If only this were one of the songs, if you see, if this was, if this was one of the songs where the title rhymed, traditional, we'd be halfway there.

We'd be, oh, oh, I'll live it on a prayer. But unfortunately. That was not a parody, by the way, what you just did. That was just a reference. that was not a parody. That was a classic word association, which I have to do in order to check by mental faculties. I do a little home psychology, and I look at old stains and see what pictures I see in them. What else do I do? I think about my mom. A lot of classic psychology stuff. Right. That's my process as well, by the way. I think about your mom, too.

Heyo! Right? Scott. I think you're making a good job. You were making a joke. I could tell by this, the hayo at the end. So, yes, so a word association, very important. I will think of a word that I'll try to immediately think of a second word.

So I wake up and I think, all right, here, we're going to start the word association test. And I say cat. And then I say, dog. Because I associate dogs with cats. because they're because they chase each other all the time or? They're constantly chasing each other.

They're at war. Almost like aliens and predators. Almost I was thinking more the Likens of the vampires from the other world series of films directed by Len Weissman. Another, by the way, previous guest on this show.

Han Wiseman. Is that so? Yeah, he's been a guest on this show. Interesting guy. He likes sex parties and stuff like that. Ries did you ever been to a sex party? A Hollywood sex party? Not one of his.

Have you been to a New Zealand sex party? Everyone knows each other. Yeah, it's a little harder to have a sex party here in New Zealand. Because the sex is more difficult? Yeah, there's just fewer choices. It's a smaller population. It's like, oh, you again. Everybody knows each other.

And even if you wear the masks, there's only one mask shop. And so you go in there and everyone knows which masks have been taken. Who has which mask? Oh, as John got that as he? oh, Mary's got that one, all right? So, and you can tell in your head who's who, even through the masks. One of the things I tell people when they come to this country, if they come from another country, I say, welcome to America.

Please take full advantage of many mask shops. Don't let yourself miss out on an opportunity to buy all sorts of masks and take them back home, even just browsing, they're fine with that. You can browse around and look at the masks. Some places will let you try them on. Some places won't let you try them on. Some places won't let you do it because they're worried about germs. And it turns out those people were right.

I think a lot of the current situation we're in is people trying on elaborate masks. And now, look, we all have to wear masks. What an ironic turn of events worthy of Ron Sterling's The Twilight Zone. I think that it was once they put a Halloween superstore that was open year round, suddenly, like it just opened the floodgates to Germ City. You know, I think the Halloween should have remained at the store level, and they should not have gone super because that they couldn't control it. It's like our friend Jeff Goldblum from the dinosaur movie saying, oh, I thought you meant from the fly. No, this is a different Jeff Goldblum. Well, look.

Am I being ushered off the stage? Did the Sandman come in? I heard your distinctive, well, look. And I thought, well, that's it for Alamara Toney. He's done. No, no, no. You're not done. When Scott gives the well look, that's it for you.

You got to get out. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying we have to take a break. So I wanted to give you some time to really perfect your return to send her Perry. Oh, okay. I have a lot of time. I do have a lot more to say about Jeff Goldblum with the dinosaur movie.

Hopefully there's time for both of the next segment. Okay. Well, you can certainly talk during the commercial about it if that gets it out of your system. No, I need people to hear it. We also, we never even got into my latest marriage and divorce. Well, that's the thing. Your whole deal barely has anything to do with song parodies. No, it doesn't.

But that's the thing you're most interested in. We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll talk about Alamone Tony's most recent wife, and we'll hopefully get an answer as to what words do not rhyme with return and sender. and we'll have more Reist Arby here with us and coming up a little later a grocer. So this is a star-packed show. So you do not want to miss a thing from this.

We'll be right back to more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang-Bang! We are back here. We have, of course, the great legendary, all the way from New Zealand itself. Reist Arby is here with us, his recent podcast, most recent podcast, that has not been canceled mid-second episode.

or mid third episode, excuse me. He got all the way to 10 episodes of this is called Aliens Like Us. It's out there. It's a Spotify exclusive. Welcome back to the show, Reese. Great to see you. Thank you.

We also have, and I've given him a lot of time. Apparently he has more to say about Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, which we want to get to as well. Oh, Jurassic Park, that's the name. That's the name of the Nadosol movie. Thank you.

But, Alamony Tony is here, aka Weirdomone Allemone Tony. Have you been thinking up various possibilities for what this song parody could be during the break? I'll be quite honest.

I haven't been. Why? We're wasting time. This is the whole purpose taking the break. I know. I got so hung up about trying to remember the dinosaur film.

And I wish I'd just ask someone. I wish I'd I just asked you, what was the name of the dinosaur movie? Because I knew it was the name of the dinosaur movie. That's a different film, I think. And I wish I just said, what was the name of the dinosaur movie? And then you could say Jurassic Park. And then it went great, great, great.

Now I have freed up some headspace to really focus on the return to send a non-rhyming parody title. All right. So I, I, okay, so we're in rough draft stage at this point. Can I say this is actually, this is actually, this is actually, more difficult than I thought to come up with a title that is a, it's a parody of Return to Sender, and yet the title does not rhyme. I could do five of them off the top of my head.

Let's hear them. Meat and potatoes. Wow. Well, that's pretty good. Meat and potatoes. I like to eat for food. Right? Here we got.

Jim's and restaurants. gyms and restaurants No, I don't think that what works Okay, sorry, but at least me Try to sing it So you said you could come up with five And uh... Jims and restaurants

I will, uh, but you're cheating a little bit because return is two syllables So you want to stick to the syllable count I don't want to do this at all Then why are we doing it? Well, you, this was something Scott, you'll forgive me. You, you, you see.

seized on this idea, you wouldn't let it go, you were like a dog with a bone. And then I was trying to be as polite as I possibly could. And yes, I'll admit right now, I was stalling for time. Not when you thought I was, but other times. When I started talking about Jeff Goldberg, the dinosaur movie, that was me stalling for time. And of course, I remembered at some point it was Jurassic Park. And I pretended that I didn't know. But I don't want to do this.

It's making me feel very small and stupid. Okay, I don't mean to make our guests feel that way. By the way, meat and potatoes does not fit into the syllables. And yet you thought it was okay. So I, you know. Meat and potatoes. It does fit into the syllables. Return.

Meat and. Or just start saying meat and potatoes. Meat and potatoes. You're right. It needs work, but it is workable. It's workable. Thank you, Reese. Thank you.

Thank you. Look, I feel terrible. Scott, I feel terrible about this. I feel like I inserted my song parody sideline into the main hub. This side dish became one of the mains. Exactly. That was not. If you're watching Top Chef, that is a bad situation for the chefs because.

And we're not. We're doing the show. So I shouldn't have done that. And I do apologize. I'd love to just talk about Peg Aliboni if I may. Okay. That's your main thing. Could you explain to Reese who you are and what you do?

Yes, Reese, my name is Alamoni, Tony. I think my last name was Chachirone, but I can't be 100% about that because it's been a while. And I've been married and divorced many, many times because I love paying Aliboni. I love it. It gives me a real charge. And I have been married or divorced so many times that's starting to lose count. It's been over, I think it's been close to a dozen now. And the thing is, I'm independently wealthy because my mother invented gaseous paper.

And I am worth roughly, roughly a couple trillion dollars. And so even though I am paying a lot of alimony, I'm not really feeling it. But I love, I love writing those checks. I love it. I love paying alimony. And you, you, Tony, you enter each marriage wanting it to work. I have to marry for love. As much as I love paying alimony, I must always marry for love.

And every single, you're not going to believe me, and I don't blame you for not believing me, but every single time that I've gotten married, I've said, this is the one that's going to last. Reese, do you believe him? He thought you would not believe him. Do you believe him? Well, he sounds like one of the few people that's managed to achieve that ultimate goal of having your cake and eating it. Tony, I have to ask, has there ever been a time where, unfortunately, one of your ex-wives has gotten remarried and you no longer have to pay alimony? There have been some clotheshaves, and certainly there was one young wife called Janine.

And Janine did remarry, but her husband died during the wedding. So it was right after the idios, so she was officially a widow. But it turns out that a deceased husband, his name was Walter. He was penniless and a fraud. And so I ended up restarting the alimony. She had that marriage. Anult. And so I was able to resume big alimony to Shadine.

Where were you when he died? Because, I mean, that's a little suspicious. You love alimony so much. He died, right? Stop. Hold on. Hold on. Scott.

Hold on. second. I'm holding. I've never murdered anyone. I don't intend to start. Uh, I've, I've, I've never, and I, I, I, when one of the few people that, people have never murdered anyone, but they intend to start at some point. Yes, murderers. Future murder. They, they, they live their lives as, uh, as people. And then at some point, they say, I intend to do a murder. And then they do the future murders. So they are, they are people and then they are future murderers. That's exactly correct. They, they start out as, we all start on as people. Then, a certain point, some people make the choice to become future murderers.

So what I do is, I think that you, you're bought a baby. Then you become a potential future murderer. Then you become a future murderer. Then you become a murderer. So you're there, when you're a baby is the only time that you don't have future murder in your... It's the riddle of the sphinx. You start out as a baby. You become a potential future murderer.

You become a future murderer. You become a murderer. What about future manslaughterers? Do those exist or? Well, I don't think, it depends because a voluntary manslaughter is, that's definitely a thing. But I feel like fewer people say, I intend to commit manslaughter. I think that's people that intended to commit murder and they didn't do it right. Manslaughter is like the ultimate whoopsie when it comes to murder.

Is it not? Yes. And yet, what a grim name, even a grimmer name than murder. I know. It's worse. It should be worse. Reese, have you ever murdered anyone or manslaughtered anyone? No, but I think he has a good point there because I have been at that threshold of becoming a murderer. Potential future murderer.

Absolutely. A PTA. As per his saying, now what I've done, and this is something that other people could do as well, it goes in line with what I was saying before, but a notebook next to my bed and I write in it, become a murderer. And then when I wake up in the morning into my lucidness, I will then quickly cross that out. And I do that every night. And that's the only way I get through it.

So you're writing things in that notebook that you intend to cross out and not do when you wake up as well. Okay, your process for your notebook is really, really intricate. I'm fascinated by this. I get it, though. I get it, though. It's sort of like you have to come up with words that rhyme in order to eliminate them first.

It's a lot like that. I don't want to get, I don't want to get back on that. Can I ask Tony, are you ever trying to split up your ex-wives' romantic relationships and a Mrs. Doubtfire style kind of thing where you're like insinuating yourself

into their life in disguise? I mean, I do love to wear disguises. I haven't worn them to the extent of, to the purpose of breaking up a romantic, relationships. I do like to spy on people. That's my guilty secret. I do like to...

Look, I'm guilty. I said it was guilty. I do like to dress up in different costumes and spy on people. Well, we're back to the Halloween super stores here in these masks. And look, all of my disguises were purchased at a regular Halloween store. It wasn't super. It didn't need to be. But my ex-wives, my former wives, my romantic relationship.

relationships and entanglements, usually the alimony that they get is enough to keep them from getting married because, and this is not to say they're gold diggers, they don't know, none of these ladies know how rich I am until we get married. And I don't, I don't reveal it until well into the marriage either. Because there's no pre-up, I guess you don't want one because I guess the only pre-nup you would want is I want to pay you alimone. That's a dirty word to me, pre-up. I don't like it at all. And, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, yeah. So, usually it's come close a few times. Of course, you got married. Uh, but, I, I will, oftentimes I will, I will, I will put our disguised or my famous disguises and I will go to a place where I know, and X, Y for mine is having

dinner with a power ball. And I will, sometimes I will, I will disguise myself as a fellow diner, a sitting in a few tables away. This is one of your famous disguises. The fellow diner. That's what you can buy right out of the package. Halloween Superstore. I was just going to say, I would point out that in New Zealand, and this is information for you guys in America, if you do come here,

disguises are illegal unless they are bought from the disguise shop. Really? Yeah, there's 10 standard disguises. Fellow diner is one of those. There are others. there's king, there's witch, I can't remember the rest, pirate. And so if you're caught wearing those, you can get away with it. But if you do not have an official disguise, then yeah, you're in trouble.

It's got to have the mark on it, the stamp that says this is an official sanctioned disguise. Although, I don't know how I would even make a fellow diner costume at home. I mean, that sounds impossible. You're better off going to the store. You're better off going to the store. And the quality is amazing, too. I remember what time I tried to make a homemade late to the elevator man costume. And I just botched it.

It was not, you wouldn't look at this man and say, oh, he almost made it to the elevator. You would say, who are you supposed to be? And so you're better off going to the store. I'm trying to imagine that costume. Does it have like wire in the tie so that it's like going behind you, like you're running towards the elevator? And like the briefcase is half open and papers are spilling out? The briefcase is stretched out, isn't it? Because you're trying to stop the door.

It's a great costume. They're very rare those ones. Tony, I feel like we're getting away from what you came here to talk about, which is your recent relationship. Yes, my recent relationship, which has just ended. I'm so sorry. Oh, well, thank you. Of course, it's a good news, bad news situation, because I no longer have a love in my life, but I do get to pay that alimony, which I do love doing so much.

This was a young woman named Linda, and she and I met, we met at a restaurant, coincidentally enough. I was there disguised. That is quite a coincidence. I was there disguised as a man asking to use a business phone. And what is that disguise? I love that disguise. What is that like?

That disguise is a classic. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, a, a suit of clothing. And, uh, what you have to do is to, to sell it. You have to go up to the front desk of the restaurant say, can I use your phone? Hmm. That phrase comes with the costume, doesn't it, on a card? Exactly. Like a word balloon coming out of your mouth.

No, no, no. That's, of course not. You have to memorize the phrase. How ridiculous. You have to memorize the phrase. I, I, look. Excuse me, man. I use your, excuse me, may I use your phone?

And then, but here's the great part. It's if there's any follow-up questions, that's all up to you. You get to improv it. So if they say, you know, no, you can't. You say, oh. And then you can, you can walk away or you could say, please. Or you could say, I'm never coming here again. The choice is really up to you.

But so I was there. So I just turned away from the front desk at the restaurant because the person, the person did let me use the phone and let me tell you something, I did not know who to call. We're not prepared to that. It's never happened before. It's never happened before. And so I had to fake a telephone call,

which is very difficult to do. Well, I would imagine that the telephone call also has to sound important enough to use a business's phone. And that's a completely different costume, which I did not have. So I hug up the phone rather sheepishly, and I turned around and there was this gorgeous

vision in the front door. the restaurant. And her name was Linda. I said, I was struck by her immediately. I said, excuse me. You didn't overhear my conversation about the phone, did you? And she said, what? And then we were off to the races.

Because I explained, I couldn't help it. I looked at her beautiful green eyes, and I explained my entire situation to her. I explained everything about myself, except being independently wealthy, of course. But I explained. Did you explain the weirdemone, alimony, Tony, and how difficult it is for you to come up with titles.

Well, now, I did explain Wittamona, Alamota, Tony. She didn't have quite as many questions about coming up with titles as you did, so we did not get into that area of discussion. If only we'd been married long enough, but this was my shortest marriage to date. Really? How long did this one last? Not counting the one that died.

This lasted three full calendar weeks, and it was right where the quarantine happened. We got married the day before quarantine was put into a family. And then three weeks later, our marriage was over. That was the baptism by fire, was having to stay in the mansion and just be confined into those 28 rooms. And it was too much. We realized we don't really get along.

And so we had to put an end to it. She still lives here. She's living there. I was going to ask, you didn't kick her out of the mansion. No, now we're the best of friends. Oh. That was the best of friends. Yeah.

All of the truck was not being, not being married anymore. Yeah. And paying her, what kind of alimony are you paying her right now? The usual. It's, it's, what was it? What was it? $50,000 a month. Wow.

I mean, that's, yeah, $50,000 a month. That is $600,000 a year. That's a good amount of... What? And you're doing it for a dozen people. I keep forgetting to do the math on this. What am I doing? Oh, well, I have it.

I have the money. What am I going to spend it on? Do you know what I mean? I'm so sorry that your relationship didn't work out and that you tried love once again. You tried to fit her into your clothes. Is that what you usually do with... I don't try to fit them into my clothes. What it is is, is I keep a closet full of clothes

for my wives. And the one pre-nuptual agreement we do have is you have to return the clothes. And the clothes stay in the house. And I make sure that my future wife will be the exact same measurements. That's my previous way. What was the measurement process like with Linda here? Did you measure? I can eyeball it now. I mean, it's down to a science. Like, I can see, I can look at a woman and I can see whether or not she's going to fit into the clothes. Because you like them either big boned with very thin skin or you like them I like a woman with either a lot of meat on a bones or very thick bones not a lot of meat. But they have to be roughly the same shape, sort of like that.

It's got to work out the same. Does it look like that snowman in the Hey Mr. police, you had all the clues? Do all your wives look like that? Do snowman have bones? I don't know. I don't know how, Reese, do you, have you ever made a snowman with bones? I don't know.

You can use twigs and, yeah, various sticks as a skeleton and then put the snow over that. It never occurred to me to do that. Now, every time I see a snowman, I'm going to wonder if there's a skeleton of me. And what you can do, and here's something fun for the listeners. So once you've done the skeleton using twigs, arms, you can do it. rib cage if you like, you can then, as a bit of fun, put an apple inside the twig rib cage. And once he's all covered in snow, you can do that classic Indiana Jones thing and reach through into the snow and pull out the apple.

Wow. And you can have a lot of fun with that kind of if you're into the sort of evil voodoo, temple oomidumie dooms. That sounds horrifying to any children who are passing back. That's pretty bad, isn't it? But that's the sort of fun we have here in New Zealand. All right. Well, okay.

Look, we do have to take a break. Did you, I'm sorry about Linda. I'm sorry. It's great catching up with you, but can you stick around? We have a, we're going to be. I'd love to, Scott. It's wonderful to see you. It's wonderful to talk to other people besides Linda, even though we are dear friends.

But we are, we are the only people that we see. So this is really thrilling for you. Yes. All right. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Restarby from aliens like us. We'll have more alimony Tony. not from aliens like us.

And we'll be talking to someone who owns a grocery store when we come back. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang! We're back here. We have, of course, the great Restarby from New Zealand, where apparently he is enjoying winter right now. Do I have that right?

Yes, that's right. We're getting colder by the minute. It's beautiful down here. Wow. And do you celebrate Christmas in the winter or is it a summer thing? That's a summer thing for us. Yeah. It's a very confusing time actually for our nation. Now, I've heard about this because you will often have depictions of Santa Claus, Chris Kringle, a surfing and things like that because it's summertime and he's drawing the summertime antics. And he's roasting a weedy over the campfire. And he's got, he's putting his sunscreen on.

And a little dog is pulling down his pants. And, uh, uh, uh, uh, some of things. Some of the thing. Ice cream. He's eating an ice cream coat. Uh, uh, uh, there's got to be other summer things. Uh, uh, uh, he's got a sunburn. Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, shaking out a towel.

Oh, shaking out of hell. Cause of sad. Sure, sure. Because at the beach. Some of these are not the most dynamic pictures, I think that you, you know. Well, you've got, Scott, once again, I'm going to turn it over to you. If you think you could do better with summertime images with sat. with Saturday.

Santa Claus that have that. Yeah, I'm sure you can name five right at the top of your hands. I love to see depictions of Santa Claus listening to the Beach Boys. That's how you know. He's got his ear next to a radio. And he's and he's has a thumb up. Must be Christmas. He must be Christmas because Santa Claus is listening to the Beach Boys in this drawing.

Well, Alamone, Tony, you've been hearing him talk about summer and Santa here. He is also with us, but we do need to get to our next guest. He's been on the show once before. He is the owner of a, I can't remember if it's a chain of grocery stores or just one grocery store, but he is a small business owner, definitely, and an entrepreneur. Please welcome back to the show, Albert Roe. Hello, Albert. Hello, Scott. Thank you for having me.

Hello, Reese. Hello, alimony. You know, you can call him. Yeah, you can call him Tony. Tony, my man. We're friends now. I don't know that you can call him my man. That's the one thing that I think

He reserves that for as well You're right That's fair I should it I should have Well from what I understand Hey look What with marriage being You know the laws have

Have gotten a lot looser now You may be a candidate to marry Alamone Tony here I mean you know you have a nice $600,000 a year coming to you if you do That well That's right The laws have gotten a lot looser

You're right Scott It's the slippery slope, obviously. Listen, obviously, yeah, you pointed out... Did you come here to talk about that? No, I didn't come about... I didn't come here to talk about the loosening of the law. I actually came to talk about some of the law tightening that's been happening. Oh, okay.

So the opposite. Laws are getting kind of strict in my neck of the woods. As you know, I am a grocer. I own a singular grocery store in down in California. Which one is that again? It's called Kissies, local grocery. Kissies, right. And is that over by like off Paramount?

Where exactly is that in Downey? It's actually, it's actually on Firestone and Old River School Road. Oh, okay. So just down the street from the Acapulco restaurant. Yeah, it's, it's not quite close to the Alcopulco, but you can take a major street to get there. So right before the 605 hits, the five.

If you get to the 110, you've gone too far. You've definitely gone too far, yes. So I, I, it's called Kissy's, Because as you know, I do kiss every single item in my grocery store. That's one of my personal touches. I polish them. So like take an apple, onion, banana. That's one of your personal touches.

I'm sorry, just one of your personal touches. It's one of your personal touches. It's kissing each item in the store. That's right. I kiss each item in the store. And then I polish it. I polish it off again so it's nice and shiny. But as you know, going to the grocery store right now,

I don't know if you've noticed, Scott. It's a little different. Okay, yes. I have noticed that. You know, Reese, I don't know if in New Zealand, actually, you're not dealing with the virus is kind of going away there. Is that right? But here. Yes.

Yes. Here in the States, it still is rampaging through our cities and our neighborhoods. Just rampaging. It's simply rampaging. Wow. It's on a rampage. It's tearing through. our country like a tornado.

Yes. It is like a hurricane that's just sweeping up everyone in its path. It's like a Dwayne Johnson movie. It's like a volcano. A Tissoumini.

Sure, of course. So going to the grocery store, yes, it's a little bit different. Do you want to talk about how that's affecting your grocery store? Well, it's not really affecting my grocery store. Before we get into that, can I ask, what some of the other signature.

Yeah, we've got to hear about these other personal touches. I'd just like to hear two more personal touches. Two more personal touches? Great. There's no door on my store. There is not a door. I love that rhyme. Yeah, well, yeah, it is a rhyme on purpose.

There's no door at the store, and that store is Kissies. That's written on the window. There's a lot of things written on the window at my store. That is not one of my personal touches. It is just something that happens to be part of it because my store is made of glass. right yes there are no actual walls that are not

not see through it's sort of like Willie Wonka's glass elevator in there like everything but everything is see through yes except those are not personal touches those are not personal touches not having a door

personal touch stuff written on the windows not a personal touch no it's just that's just part of it like that that's you just have to take that as part of it

that just happens that's just part so there are things that are part of it and things that just happen Yes. Do you have something written on the window of like if you've gotten to the 110 you've gone too far, are there instructions like that?

Well, so that's not written on my window. That is written on a window closer to the 110. So if you're close to the 110, you do see that, you will know to go all the way back. Okay, got it. But do people know that it's connected to Kisses? Or do they just see written on some other window? Because someone might be wanting to go to the 110. So you've bought other properties and your advertising.

on those properties that is not your main property. I have not purchased property. What I have done is taking up vandalism. I have vandalized. These are homes, like our local other businesses. So you've taken up vandalism. I've taken it up and can I say, I'm loving it. Yeah.

It's fine. Absolutely, I see you. I love to vandalize. It's very fun. But that, you know, people sort of know me as like the town Vandal. Instead of being the grocer who owns Kissies, they know you as the

town vandal? Well, you know, if you could pick what you're known for, I obviously would pick that I would be the grocer, but you need a better publicist. You need a better publicist here because you need to be known as Kissy. You are a mad who says you kiss each item in your grocery store,

but you're known as the town vandal. That's right. Yeah. And you know, if I could have it the other way around, I absolutely would, but it's just not my place. There are other things about me that, you know, you might remember Scott. Jeff Bezos is my dad. Yeah, that's right.

You're Jeff Bezos' son. I forgot about that aspect of your personality. Jeff Bezos is my dad and all of my cum is feminine. Okay, I did not remember that and still don't remember it. I only shoot wise. Okay, right, okay. So if you, if anyone were to marry you, and I can't recall if you have a significant other, much like Alamoni, Tony did it.

I don't. I have 10 daughters with many partners. Oh, that's right. So you've never gotten married. So you only have 10 daughters. That's right. Do they work at the store? I can't remember. They do work at the store, but they work in the back because I will not have them seen. But so what you have to know about obviously this coronavirus, as we're calling it, what the, I'll call it a debacle. It's changing away. All these stores are operating. You got your Albertsons, your Ralphs, your Vons, your Safeway, Ellson's, pavilions, you know, staterbrothers, sprouts, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, Winkgo, Kroger. They're all following the CDC guidelines, keeping six feet of distance.

Yeah, public. Oh, Publix is another one. Yeah. Did you mention, Wigley? Did you mention Johns, which basically bought a bunch of Vons restaurants and then only replaced one letter? Yeah, you know what? Yeah, Johns is doing this as well.

And it's... Harris Tita? Harris Tita, Super A. Tita? It's Harris Teter. Oh, well, Harris Tita is doing it too. Who's Harris Tita? Is that what you said?

That's what I said. They're also doing it. Sure. So they're all, they have the... I've lost track of what they're doing now. What are these people doing? They're keeping six feet distance in the line. You're limiting items such as toilet paper, you know, things that are deemed essential goods, meat.

How about Acme? Acme? Acme? Acme also doing it. Wow. It's fair to say that if it's not Kissies, they're doing it. Yeah. Which could be a slogan for you.

Well, Bristol Farms. Bristol Farms doing it. The store from NBC Superstore doing it. Now, I think that should have just been a store. It should never have upgraded to a Superstore. They got huge. They got too big, too fast, and that we all saw it coming. But these other stores, they're making me look like not just the town vandal, but the town fool.

They're all coming for my neck, Scott. Oh, I'm glad you finally said they're coming for your neck because, as I recall, that was one of your catchphrases the last time you were here. It's almost as if I stopped saying it, but I do remember that that is a thing that I always say. They're all coming from my neck. They're all following the CDC guidelines, the Who guidelines.

And, you know, I'm just a local businessman. I don't have the capital to keep up with these big corporations. So it right now You are You are to be fair Jeff Bezos' son Yeah I look I come from immense wealth

But Is pavilions also observing The six foot? I don't know that we have time To get into every other store If these stores keep coming up I'm gonna if you keep asking me this Tony I'm gonna assume

You're in the pocket of one of these grocery stores And are coming from my neck You don't want to be coming for Albert's neck here I promise but I'm not coming for your neck. Gelson's. Are they doing it? He mentions Gelsons.

Sprouse is doing it. Oh, you did mention Gels. I apologize. 365 is doing it. We don't have time to go through the whole list. If it's not Kissies, they're doing it. What are you doing instead? Well, I'll tell you what we're doing, Scott.

We haven't changed a goddamn thing. Okay. Okay. Because the Kissies guarantee is, if you want something kissed, you better come to Kissies. I'm kissing all the stuff, and I'm still kissing all this stuff.

Can I just point out that you're, you're, the Kissies, the Kisses guarantee just sounds like a piece of advice. Yeah, if you want something kissed, it's just, yeah, it's more like a helpful hint. Okay, well, maybe.

Nothing's being guaranteed at all. Well, the Kisses, advice. Okay, you're calling it advice now. I'll call it advice. If you want something kissed, come to kissies. And if you want it kissed, I guarantee it'll be kissed. What if you

don't want something kissed? Then get the fuck out of my store. Wow. That's just how it is. And you know, it's... That's written on the window? I'm just hoping that people are trying to... Yeah, that's written on the window, the wall, as it were. I'm just... You know, because

people, I don't know about... you or anybody here. We're all trying to just live according to Jim. We're all trying to live according to Jim, first of all. And our own personal credos, I'm someone that I want things to stay exactly the same. I'm not letting this coronavirus win, all right? So you want to come to kisses? Door is always open. No door. Come on in, touch whatever you want, kiss whatever you want. I'm doing it. I'll give you a damn kiss.

Sure. Can I ask, have you? you contracted the COVID-19 virus? Many times, and it's fine. So you're transmitting this to every customer with every product on your shell. Are you coming for my next guy? I know. I am not coming for your neck. I apologize. Reese, are you coming for Albert's neck? I hope you're not. Well, I'm devising a new show with a double meaning in the title. So I'm constantly, as you know, writing things down on my notebook, waking up, crossing it out, working out what my next move is. And yeah, I'll tell you this much. I've got a few ideas.

Oh, really? What are you got? If they're involving me, I'd love to know. Yeah, well, first of all, I want to get that shop of yours shut down. That's, I mean, that's not an idea that's helpful to Albert, certainly. That's my source of income here. You're coming for my neck, Reese. Reese, you are coming for his neck.

That's directly my neck. You went straight. I want to reiterate, I am not coming for your neck. That is the title of my next show, coming for my neck. which may have a double meaning as well. Yeah, it's a dodgy one. It's a shifty double meaning. Sure.

Shady, whatever you want to call it. But I want you involved. Yeah. So you want my store shut down so I can work on the show. Yeah, that's what I'm offering you. I want to, it's a deal. What do you say? I mean, this is quite an opportunity.

This is, have you ever wanted to be in show business? in the business of show? I mean, it's something that a grocer could only dream of, you know? Every grocer wants to be in show business. I mean, look. So, what do you say? I mean, this is an incredible opportunity. I know you love your store.

I know you love kissing inanimate objects. I don't know that you've ever kissed inanimate objects. I know that you have 12 different daughters. I don't know whether you're... 10 that I know of. 10. I don't know whether any of your 10 partners allowed you to kiss them if they had the pretty woman rules going on during this. I do, you know, they don't have the pretty woman rule. I do. And the first rule in that is that I do always a little snap at their fingers with a little

box. Okay. Sure, sure. But that's the pretty woman rule. But are you, are you saying that you like to kiss things, but no one can kiss you? Oh, if you even come near me with your lips, I assume you're going straight for the neck and that's a chop. So you have never been kissed rules? You've never been kissed? I, you know, I've never been kissed and I'm also undercover at a high school.

Okay, well, a high school student. We don't have time to get to any of that. Okay. Are you sure we don't? We don't, this is, what a thing to drop in at the 11th, I'm having a lot of fun at high school again. It's better than you remember. Albert, Albert, can I, can I,

Can I ask you a such a question? Please, Tony. Gristidis, are they observing? Okay, look. We're running out of time here. Dwayne Reed is also doing it. Yeah, we're running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show,

and that is a little something called plugs. Oh, wow, nice and short. That was, now you have head lice by Family Man. Reese, what do you have to plug? Obviously, Aliens like us is a Spotify exclusive. It's out there right now. People can binge. all 10 episodes.

Other than that, I guess I would only plug one of the main stores here in New Zealand, the mask and official disguise show. Of course. Great. All right. Well, Alamone Tony, what are you plugging? Well, I'd certainly like to plug the institution of marriage

and the divorce laws in this state in which I live. What state is that, by the way? We've never established that. Oh, yeah, it's different from where you're. are. Where I would also like to plug a couple of podcasts, if I may, because, you know, your show got me into, you know, I'm a huge fan. I loved, I, I, and, you know, the first time we met was because you chose my catchphrase. Of course, yeah, to read on the show. So I love podcasts. There's two right now, what are called The Neighborhood Listen, starring Paul F. Tompkins and Nicole Parker, where they take a post from the next door app, and they use those for the, as the basis for improv. And then there's another one called Stay F. Homkins. That's also, Paul F. Tompkins and his gorgeous wife that's still married. Janie had at Topkins, and that's just them catching up during quarantine on a weekly basis. It's an intimate conversation that you can have in the background.

I feel like you're visiting with someone. Great. So those are some great podcasts to listen to. Your podcast plate is almost full. But Albert Road, do you have anything to plug here? That's, yeah. So make sure you come to Kissies. We're not doing any of that silly stuff. We're not compliant with the Cs. so if you don't have a mask, you can just come right on in, it's fine. You know, there's this young, this young comedian. I guess I can still call him young.

Yeah, I'm not really sure about that. Yeah, you know, the minute you said that, my ears, I don't know who you're talking about, but I suddenly thought that was very braggy. You know, yeah, it gave, as I was saying it, it gave me pause. And, you know, let's, I'll just call him a nice comedian. Rising star. A rising star.

I would never say that about this person myself, but that's very nice. His name is Matt Apodaca. He has a podcast called What's With These Homies talking about Weezer, where he talks to fun people about his favorite band Weezer, and they don't ever really seem to also be on board. That's a very fun podcast. Do you know how he feels about the new Van Weezer songs that have come out? I, you know, he hasn't recorded an episode, but I've heard that he is truly just loving every second of it and having the best time possible with these crazy, crazy tracks. He must be very upset about the tour with Green Day that got canceled.

You know, I do have a good authority that he does have tickets for it, and his date has not been moved yet, and he's nervous. He's not going. It's not happening until next year. If it moves, he will go away. But if it's on the same date, he will be there and he will be scared. We have to be late. Albert, Albert. Yes.

Food Lion? Okay. I want to plug, you know what I just found out? And this is such a bummer is that the Comedy Bang Bang Television show, which Reese, you were so good to appear on back in the day. Yes. It is being taken off of Netflix. as of June 2, I believe. So you have just a few scant weeks,

if I could implore the listeners out there of this show, which are Legion, to just turn on Comedy Bang Bang while you're in the house and you're not even watching TV. Just let it run because it'd be nice to get those numbers up right before they take it down. Now, the good news,

it's a real good news, bad news, bears situation, where apparently some episodes are now up on Pluto TV where you can see a billion dollar properties another show by the way Reese that you were on that you were so funny on. Oh yeah. You can see a billion dollar properties there

you can also see some episodes of comedy bang bang, but watch the entire season if you haven't gotten to it yet on Netflix. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. You starve with a seal when you want to close it up. You lead with an L and then you owe a ratio comes And then he just says

All right, that's a new remix. That was sent to us by Jonathan Astonish On Twitter. Thank you so much to him. That's a new remix of our closing up the plug bags theme. What did you think of that, Reese? It was intense. Yeah.

A great length, too. Yeah, a perfect length. when you want to be wrapping something up. Well, speaking of wrapping it up, I want to wrap up this episode. Reese, always great to talk to you. Thanks so much for asking to be on the show, and especially with such a large time difference. By the way, what time is it now there?

We're looking at 20 to 4 now. Amazing. Yeah, we're doing really well, guys. Another hour, and we can crack open a couple of them. Alamone Tony, always great to see you. It's really, your story is always fascinating. And I promise next time I won't get so hung up on the one minor detail of your life. That's all right, Scott.

I understand you love music, you love comedy. It makes sense to me. Albert, I hope that you don't think that I'm coming for your neck when I say thank you so much for being on the show. Thank you for, you know, I was wondering where the rest of that sentence was going to go. And I was like, this seems neck adjacent. but thank you for not going all the way. I appreciate that. I thought he was going to go in a rampage.

All right. We'll see you next time, guys. Thanks. Bye.