Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Live at The Complex, Salt Lake City UT (Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Carl Tart, Ryan Gaul)

Episode Date: August 14, 2025

This week it's our fifth installment of our "I Love Lily" series. Live from Salt Lake City, Utah - Scott welcomes to the stage Alimony Tony, pop star Sabrina Carpenter, Fairleigh Longfellow, and Pudge. Special thanks to The Complex! (Originally recorded 7/23/24) Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Hey everyone, welcome to another bonus bang where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from Behind the Paywall. This is your host, Scott Ackerman, and we are still in the midst of our wonderful series, I Love Lily. That's right, I Love Lily, featuring Lily Sullivan, a wonderful performer, who's been such a great addition to the Comedy Bang Bang Roster. And this week, we have a very special episode because we're dropping a comedy bang bang. Bang Bang World exclusive with the 13th stop on the 2024 Comedy Bang Bang Into Your Mouth tour recorded live on July 23rd, 2024 from the complex in Salt Lake City, Utah. That's right. Released the very next day on Comedy Bang Bang into the

tour feed that we have over there where you can hear all the live episodes. Now, this episode features Paul F. Tompkins. He plays Alamone Tony, Lily Sullivan, the aforementioned Lily Sullivan, of course, as Sabrina Carpenter, recent pop star when this was recorded, and it also has Carl Tart as Farley Longfellow and Ryan Gull as Pudge, and I believe Ryan almost got arrested because of this show by the local police. So a lot going on in this show, including we end the episode on a particular game. Now, if you want to hear more of the 2024 Comedy Bang Bang Into Your Mouth tour or any of the live episodes we ever did, become a subscriber over at CBB world.com. We have every single episode we've ever recorded in the studio, all ad-free,

as well as every single live episode we've ever done. We have original shows like CBB Presents and Scott hasn't seen. We're going to be back Monday with new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Oh, Salt Lake City, how are we back mine? Come at me back mine Come in my mind

Come in my mind Come in my mind Salt Lake City How are we this evening? What a weird-ass room. It's my first time seeing it. Ooh, can we get more on the monitors? Immediate.

Immediate more on the monitors. Ooh, that feels better. That feels better. You might want to pump it up a little more. Hey, Salt Lake City, so good. Oh, wait. I know you wanted to clap for that, but we have busy.

to attend to. Hello, sir. Proudly walking in front of everyone. I guess there's no other way to get there, right? If that's the great Salt Lake, I'd hate to smell a decent one. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to J-Man the Greats. J-Man the Great for that catchphrase admission. Let's pump up those monitors even more.

What do you say? Yeah. Let's get it nice and clear. Mr. Stussy. I didn't know Stussy still made shirts. I love it. Is it Stussy or Stozy? How do you pronounce that?

All right. Anyway. Hi, everyone. Great to see you. My name is Scott Ackerman. Thank you so much for coming. Never been to Salt Lake City before. Yeah, kind of a weird town. Like, all of the streets have this construction going on in the...

I've only been to this one street. Utah's weird. Okay, you can take it down a little bit because we're feeding back. pleasure to be here never have I done a show in Utah oh yeah we did some shows at Sundance those were really strange

this is going to be so much better people actually know what they're seeing here but look at this stage how far back it goes if I moved everyone back all the way to the back would you guys like that no now I really can't hear the monitors

oh god this was a mistake Guys, I have to ask you Who here has never even heard An episode of Comedy Bang Bang at this point? Anyone? You, sir. In the teal. You're looking around like, is this teal?

I think it's teal. Am I wearing teal? Is it teal, sir? What would you characterize that color as? Yes, I'm talking to you. Stop looking at your shirt. Blue? Uh-huh.

That's teal, my man. What? I thought you said no ma'am. See, it's hard enough to hear the monitors. I'm not going to be able to hear you. But, okay, well, let me just tell everyone what they're in for here tonight. Thank you very much for coming. if you have no idea why are you here.

I'm assuming that someone brought you, although you look to be alone. Seems like you bought a chair for your beer. Like Bono with his hat on an airplane. Let me tell you exactly what we're going to do here tonight. This is sort of like a talk show. It's a live podcast recording. People are listening to this right now.

not right now for you but when they're listening to it they are listening to it right now and it's sort of like a talk show I'm the host of the talk show I'm going to bring people out here guests for the talk show these are going to be conversations that we have not discussed beforehand conversations that have never happened before unless Al A. Peterson drops by we may get into some of the some of the stuff we've talked about before but we have not discussed anything I merely know who's coming out here. Some people I've never even met before. So just kind of a talk show and a relaxed conversation. That about covers it, right? What do you think, sir? Does that sound interesting to you? I'm getting a high thumbs up. I love it. Not even the Bill Clinton,

half a thumb close to the bodies, giving it full on arms length. I love it. We have a great show for you. Let me see who's coming out here. A little later, we have a, we have a business. not even a small businessman. We have a pop star, okay? A political strategist. Yeah, so that's a really interesting show. But before we get to that, let me be honest with you, I'm just wasting time till these people find their seats.

Lots of conversation. How are you? How's it going? Nice to see you. Thank you so much for coming. Can I help at all, or? I'm guessing in this area? Before we do that, we have one very important piece of...

Oh, no, you're just leaving. That's all right. Thank you. I understand. It's not for you. No, you're on the other side, yes. Okay, very good. Before we get to all this,

we have a very important piece of business to attend to, and that, of course, is a little something that we call The Balcony Report. Fans of the show know what I'm talking about. Mr. Teal beer seats perhaps does not. No, that's a big thumbs down, as big as the thumbs up was. You're a man of passion.

The balcony report, let me explain this what this is. This started approximately 10 years ago, and it is a way for not only the audience here in the complex, is that what this place is called? Okay. Not only for the people in the complex here to know how many balconies are in the actual place in which we're performing, but for the people at home to kind of get a mental picture in their mind palaces so that they can really envision and really imagine

that they're here listening to us. And we started this 10 years ago. It was such a success. And people all over the country were like, can you come to our city? We have three balconies. Can you come to our city? We have 12 balconies.

It's a crazy place. I think it's the Coliseum. They want us there so bad. And so now we've evolved a little bit. This tour, we're not only going to tell you how many balconies are in this place, but we are going to tell you how many balconies we have performed in total

on the entire tour. Yeah. So that's very exciting and complex Salt Lake City. This is a tough one. It's not helping that it's all painted black and I can't really see it, but are those seats? They're tables? Get the fuck out of here.

All right, I have my answer then. Complex. Salt Lake City, Utah, has zero balconies. Yes. Now, the second number I'm going to tell you is how many balconies total we have performed in front of. Up to this point, up till tonight,

we had performed in front of 14. So I'm going to tell you the total now. At complex theater? Or just the complex? Have you ever seen anything here before? Is this like... It feels like a scam. The whole thing feels fake to me.

The complex, Salt Lake City, I am pleased as punch to announce that the grand total now stands at 14 balconies! Wow. Exciting stuff. Well, you know, when we're in a new town, we always try to find local talent that's going to be here. And so we found a group of people

that wanted to perform with us. Please welcome the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That would be strange. although they could fit on this ginormous stage how many people are in this choir 100 100? 100? More, higher, higher 101 1002, 102, 103, prices price out, 1004, 105, 1006, 107

what are we talking, 700? You don't know? All right, and lots. Okay, lots. One dollar, thank you. No, are you guys ready to start this show? Very exciting show here tonight. Seems like they all found their seats. We're ready to go.

Utah, we have a very venue, or at least city-appropriate guest here tonight. He's a gentleman, the aforementioned businessman I mentioned. I don't know that he runs the business, but his mother, invented gaseous paper. Please welcome Alamone Tony. Hi. Hi, Scott. Alamone Tony, so wonderful to see you.

Good to see you, good to see you. I'm not a business bat, by the way. My mother, it was my mother's business. I just collect the checks, okay? But you are the head. No, I'm not. I'm not involved in the business day to day. I apologize for getting the facts.

What is this place? This reminds me when they fooled Joe Pesci at Goodfellas, thinking he was going to be a made man. She'd bring him down to an empty basement, shoot him in the face. Did they built, was that a set? They built a whole bar for that? No, no. I said it reminds me of, come on, Scott.

Well, I apologize. I do it. I don't need to get on the wrong foot. Oh, no. It's not you, Scott. I'm in a bad mood. I'm sorry. You're in a bad mood? I shouldn't take it out on you. Yeah. Alamone Tony, I've never seen you in a bad mood. Well, you've seen it now! I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. It's quite all right. What gets Alamone Tony in a bad mood? You're one of the most joyful, vivacious people that I've ever come across.

Yeah, used to be. Used to be. This is the norm now? Norm! Norm! It feels... I don't think that's the way that worked, by the way. I don't think you just, like, do a little startup norm in order to get the big norm. Well, I'm upset because of a couple reasons. First of all, I can barely hear myself in the monitor. It's a problem. Secondly, I'm married right now, and my wife and I've been fighting. No.

Hey, thanks, everybody. You're married again. Yeah. When did you get married? I got married, but, but, blah, blah, six months ago. That's pretty good for you. Five months and changed. It was going great in the last few weeks.

at each other's throats. Did you get married on Valentine's Day? I never get married on Valentine's Day. That's when you're doing your Valamoni Shoney, of course. I've, of course. I've had weddings on every major holiday in the U.S. and abroad, except Valentine's Day. Juneteenth? Juneteenth?

Absolutely. Once it became a federal holiday. Sure. Before then, never? It felt disrespectful. Do you consider Halloween to be a major holiday? I do, even though it's not, you don't get the day off for it. So you got married on Halloween?

Of course, it's been married on Halloween. Can I ask what you dressed up as? I dressed up as a bride, and the bride dressed up as a groom. It was fun. And the preacher dressed up as a demon. Wish I was still married to that lady. What happened to her? We got divorced.

Oh, yeah. She's not passed on. Has that ever happened to you when? someone dies during a marriage? There was, I never had a, I never had a wife died during the marriage. But I did have a wife die immediately after we got divorced. And I could never send her an alimony check. She was the one that got away.

People don't know. Go ahead. You do it. You do it. Sorry. I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Scott.

For the gentleman in teal, especially. Alamoni Tony is a multi... Wait, the gentleman in teal? Yes. It's a blue shirt. It's a light blue shirt. That man's hat is teal. You have that for comparison.

What do you think teal is? I think it's a light blue mixed with a touch of green. Yeah, that's not what that is. That's blue. It's light blue. Okay. He seemed very upset at the just... mere hint that it was teal.

I thought you were pointing out Peter Thiel for a second. He's busy. His boy, J.D. He's very busy. I don't like that guy. Amongst the, but wealthy, we don't like him.

Oh, really? Well, that was the thing I was going to mention is Alamoni Tony here is a very wealthy. Are you a billionaire at this point, or? Oh, Scott. Let's just say I'm doing all right. So billionaire who, Your mother invented gase's paper.

She invented it for the space program. That's right. And this was, when they were writing stuff down, it had to evaporate. Otherwise, it would bang around the cockpit. Exactly. You didn't want to have all those shreds of paper just hanging around there. Because space is at a premium in a space capsule. Of course.

It's so ironic. You're going into space and you have no space. Exactly. Yes. so alimony tony you've been married how many times at this point it's in the high 60s yeah 60 come on okay but yes hell yeah and you have been married many times it's never worked out you always marry for love

I always marry for love. But here's the thing. I have also been divorced many times. And the silver lining there is, I love paying alimony. I mean, I love it, brother. I get a real thrill out of it. It gets me going.

But I never marry just to get divorced. I always marry thinking it's going to work out. And you love just knowing these women are taken care of? I do. I love being able to be the one that takes care of them, whether they need me to or not. Because a lot of them, you know, they remarry. Sure.

And you could stop paying alimony, but you continue to. That's right. The husband begs me. Their husband begs you? Yes. He says, it's a masculine, what you're doing. No, he said, please keep sending the alimony. Oh, he begs for the alimony.

Yeah, he wants the money. Yeah. But I make it so that it's her money. He can't touch it. He can't touch it. Okay. Is that a stipulation? It's a stipulation. It's very complicated.

So do you have a pre-up? I've never had a pre-dupe. Never had a pre-up. Seems like you could do a pre-nup where you... I've signed pre-ups for my potential wives, but I've never offered a pre-up to be signed. Right. Seems like you could do one where you offer the alimony.

Like, I'm going to give you double what you... That's giving up already. Yeah, that's a good point. I marry for love. He marries for love. I marry for love. So you have 68 divorces. That's right.

And you're currently in the middle of that other number, and it's not working out. It's not working out. What's the major argument between you? I wish there was one. Her name, first of all, is French. French. French.

What kind of name is that? It's all for Francine. That doesn't help. Oh. I don't think I've heard that one either. Frenchine? Frenchine. Oh, okay.

Are you pronouncing Francine differently, or is it, it's with an H in there? Frenchine? F-R-A. Continue. Okay, go a little further. C-H. I-N-E. French.

Now, you know, Scott, all the time we know each other, I'm not a mush mouth. You know, I speak very, I elucute, you know. Yes, and I appreciate that about you. Especially when you can't hear the monitors. That's right. All the more reason to speak clearly and to distinctly. Exactamundo. Mon frie.

Fonzie. Yes. Fonzie, if he were French. Fonzie, if he were French, could you imagine? We! He would say yes? What is A in French? Is it?

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Lidju box Lidu box So Franch

She and I are not getting a log We're fighting at every little thing Snipping, snapping, sneeping, snooping Snooping The refrigerator, you leave in the refrigerator open too long You didn't close this drawer Where's the knife? Where's the spoon?

Which one of you is that? Is that you or her? That's both of us. Don't you see? Simultaneously? We're taking turns being the aggressor. Oh, God. If somebody, if I walk in there and she's in a good mood, it puts me in a bad mood, and vice versa.

Do you find that your issues with all of your wives are very similar? No. Yes, maybe. Perhaps. Is everything due to a lack of communication? Well, that's right. really what it all comes out to, doesn't it, Scott? Yeah. A lack of communication.

And sometimes, yes, I will go for weeks or months without talking to my wife. That's too much. They say never go to bed angry. Well, I don't. You don't sleep for weeks or months? No, I don't go to bed angry. I've never gone to bed angry. I'm happy every single time.

You know why? It's fun to sleep. Yeah. You better cheer up by the time you get to bed tonight. Getting into bed, that's what doesn't. If I get in between those shoots and I'm like, ah, time to go away. I don't understand it. I have a little two-year-old almost girl,

and she doesn't... When will she be a girl? We haven't decided yet. Very progressive of us. I thought it was her to decide. No, we were going to decide. You're going to decide? But we just wait.

And hear her out. We just wait. But she always cries when she goes down for the nap And it's like How I envy you right now Babies don't get it Babies don't get it Yeah

That's why I don't have kids Yeah you've never had kids Never had kids Well because also I can't have kids I have barren I have what is called No Motility Right

They're just dead They're in your ball sack Oh they just won't move Yeah I'm packed to the rafters with semen Yeah It's just weighing you down Yes so many spurs

so many spermatures away lugging a five-pound bag around with you just it's very heavy yeah because they don't get out they don't get out it's like you want them to move out of the house but they can't get there

that's why I wear tennis shorts all the time but I don't like the thing I know look kids are very nice sure yes but you have to explain everything to them I mean that's part of parenting I guess is like Oh, wow. It's a big part. They're learning this for the first time,

and you're the one telling them that. Who needs it? Yeah. I don't need someone in my house who doesn't understand how things work. You should have, like, roommates who are electricians and plumbers and stuff. I should?

I don't know. Why? Because they know how stuff works. Like, everything around you. Like, you should get the world's best people in every field. I'm not having some kind of cult in my home. Hey, do you know how something works? Come on over.

Automechanic, chef. Laser tag guy. Zamboni driver. How much do you think Zamboni drivers know about the Zamboni? You got to think... Like, if it broke down on the ice, do you think they could fix it? You got to think they get hired because they know how to fix it. Because if there's two guys and one guy just sitting there most of the time, that's inefficient.

If there's two guys and one guy's sitting there most of the time. You're talking about the mechanic. One guy's the hot shot Zambodi driver. The Days of Thunder style. Yes. Zembody Pit crew. You've got five guys now. Putting new bristles in the brush or whatever.

I don't know what's on. Elimony, Tony, Tony, Tony, come on. Tony, Tony, come on. You're doing great. You're doing great. So, at what point do you cut bait? Okay. Scott, I suppose this is the elephant of the room.

Yes, I'm thinking about divorce. Alimony, Tony, they love you so much and they don't want to hear that kind of thing. Well, they should try walking a mile of my shoes. Are you the one who brings up divorce because you marry for love? You don't want to get to the pain. Am I the one who brings up divorce?

Scott, come on. Sometimes it's been me, sometimes it's been them. This is where adults here. Okay, so this is a normal... You're not holding out saying, I don't... I'm married for love, I don't ever want to get divorced. That's happened sometimes. Right. Divorce can enter your mind and you as an adult...

It can and it has. And it has right now, it seems like. Yes. Yeah. Because you mentioned it. I heard it. Then now it's in my mind. Now, it's my fault that you're going to get divorced?

Right now it is. Well, I mean, what do you do in this situation? Do you... Well, we've taken to sleeping in separate houses. I'm sleeping in the big house. And she's sleeping in the really big house. That's nice. That's gentlemanly. I think so. I try to be a gentleman anyway.

So she must know something is coming. Has she ever brought it up? Like, maybe we would... be happier if we took some time apart? No, I think she's very... I hate to talk about it this way, but she has been crazy. She's very vindictive

and she's me. I think she would stay in this marriage just to spite me. Wow, what attracted you to her in the first place? She's got a very fiery personality. It sounds like it, but now that seems to repel you. It does.

Isn't that interesting? The thing that attracts you to someone is later the thing that disgusts you the most? Yeah. Boobes. They're just, they're disgusting. Maybe to you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Um, well, I don't know what to do in the situation. Can I help at all? Can, well, let me ask you some questions. Okay. All right. Let's say you're married to someone. Okay. And you weren't getting along. And let's say this person they did a thing where they took razor blades

and sort of taped them around a light switch so that if someone else would have come in and just sort of swipe up the light switch. So they're sticking out? Yes, just enough. Okay, that's one thing.

Has this happened to you? Is this purely hypothetical? Let me finish. Okay. Let's say a person goes to the refrigerator. They see there's a dozen eggs that are cotton. They open up the cotton. And what they find is 12 live baby chicks.

I mean, it would be cute. But they're peeping and screaming because it's freezing. in there. Shouldn't be freezing. Well, for them it's freezing. They're just little chicks. True. I can stay in there all day.

I don't care. What are refrigerators usually at 30-something degrees? I don't know. Why don't I have a refrigerator guy live with me and tell me. Let's say Let's say you're going to walk up the stairs

or walk down the stairs because it goes both ways. I would imagine you're so rich, though. You would have upstairs that go up and stairs that go down. I imagine you have like escalators and elevators. No, it's very impersonal.

I do have an elevator, yeah, of course. It's big enough for one person. Wow. So you better not be claustrophobic. Because if you already have a problem with elevators, you're really going to have a problem with this one. It is like a little coffin that you get it. There's barely room for the button. Is the button sticking to your belly sometimes when you're...

Sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes that's how I'll press the button. Just push my little belly out. Ding. So you're on the stairs. I'm about to be on the stairs. Hmm.

And I have stairs... I love that moment. anything could happen. Anything. Stroddened your stairs. Here we sat on the brink of destiny. And of course, in my home, I have beautiful polished marble staircases.

But they seem a little more polished than usual. Because someone has found a clear version of the Nickelodeon slime. And coated all the stairs. Now, this person who shall remain nameless, I think is trying to do me bodily harm, messed with my mind, and perhaps kill me.

It raises an interesting question. What's that? Is the slime clear to begin with and they add food coloring? Or did they de-green it? Scott, I'm going to be straight with you. I'm not as concerned with the slime processed. I thought that's why you were asking me.

and I provided the other two examples just as an abused boosh until we got to the slide main course so alimony Tony are you saying this has happened to you? I guess, God, why would I be making this up?

You're very tiresome tonight. Tony? I'm sorry. We're friends and we like each other. Yes. Sorry, I'm just so terrible booing. I know, I know. Wow. I mean, yes, it sounds to me

like, I don't know, I'm going to throw out just a hypothetical of my own. I dare you. If I were married to a billionaire whom I loathed with every fiber of my being, but I loved his money, and I wanted all of it and not just, you know, 10% or whatever. Are you married in California all the time? Is it like half? I've been married all over the place. Wow.

But I would... Brief detour, fun. Yeah. I just wonder if you have to... if your money gets halved every single time you get divorced. It's different from people like me, Scott. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Also, I mean, the money just keeps coming in. Yeah. It really doesn't matter. People keep going to space. They do keep going to space, and they need to write things down and get rid of it. Yep. So you're suggesting that Franchine is trying to murder me to inherit money. All of your money, not just some of your money.

Here's the little flaw in your plan that you are. describe to Frenchie. She is also independently wealthy. Really? What does she do for a living? She also is the child of someone who invented something. What did her parents invent, if I may ask? Earth paper. What is Earth paper?

It's paper made of dirt. Oh, okay. Okay, yeah. Why do we need that? The Army uses it when they're going to devise a plan of attack in the dirt.

They got tired of taking that stick and drawing it. Sometimes it's not a stick around. Yeah, that's a big problem when you're in the armed forces. But the earth paper, very slim, can fold it up, put it in your pocket,

use a regular old pen. But it's made of dirt. Yeah. That after you're done with the plan, you just snap it down. And no one can never see it again. No one. Wow, I had no idea that our,

the technology was so advanced there in the military right now. The only thing that mankind has yet to invent is paper made of fire. Earth, air, water. We've conquered three of the elements. God, I'm imagining it right now. I want to use it.

You mustn't. It will drive you bad. Anyone who's ever tried to make fire paper has gone insane. Because how many times have I been there in my study? And I'm writing down, you know, blackmail notes and stuff like that. And then I crumple it up and throw it in the fire. Why are you blackmailing so many people? Oh, you know.

You don't get to where I've been without blackmailing people. Oh, okay. And then you throw it in the fire because you don't. don't want the police to ever see, you know. Exactly. So you write the note, immediately throw it to the fire. Yeah. The perfect crime.

The person doesn't even know they're being blackmailed. But with fire paper, you write it down and it comes pre-fired so no one can ever touch it or... That's exactly right. This is driving me insane right now. Exactly. Scott, you must stop. Okay, okay, enough. No, fire paper can't exist. I remember there was a guy that used to come to my parents' home.

We used to call him Teddy Matchsticks. Was that his name? He just what we used to call him, because he always had smoke coming off. He was always singed. He looked like he had soot all over him, like those chimney sweeps in the Mary Poppins movie. Hello, Bert. Hello, Mary Poppins. Nice to see.

Burt and Barry Poppins imitating each other? I may have switched their voices. Who knows what they got up to? Hey, you know, it can get pretty freaky there. Do you think they were a thing, like, right? I honestly, like, it seems like she put him in the friend zone.

I don't know about that. Really? I don't know. I think there was something there. You think they were knocking boots. I think they were. I think they were playing hide the salami. I think they were doing the nasty.

Well, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, so she's independently wealthy. I'm still hung up on Barry Humpin's and Burr because they could go to these magical realms. They must have had an intense, It's just sexual escapades. Yeah. It's so hot, you know, like dancing with all those penguins. Yes.

Yeah. Maybe they stand around a watch. Who knows? Yeah. If you can imagine it, it's been done. Maybe she wrote Stay Awake for him because he was always falling asleep on top of her. Right, but Stay Awake was a lullaby designed to make you fall asleep.

Hmm. It's an ironic title. It's a lot like that book Not All Sheep Are Boring Anyway By Bobby Moynihan It's designed to get you excited about counting sheep Because they're all exciting

And by the end of it People fall asleep Anyway Wait so this guy took the concept of counting sheep And made it into a book Yeah Is that allowed? I was thinking of suing him

In any case, so she's independently wealthy, but I mean, you billionaires, you're all about growth, right? You're all about pie charts going up, up, up. Scott, Scott, Scott, we're past billions. I didn't want to have to say this to you. You're a trillionaire? Oh, keep going. Higher?

Quadrillionaire? Keep going. Quintillionaire? Is that... Let's just say I do okay. You're like them in the front row. With the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Wait, you're the Mormon Tabernacle Choir?

The two of you? If only three of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir came in her, would anyone care? Would that be impressive? If only three show up? Just three came out. And they sang. Beautiful voices, of course, but so what?

Do you know what? What I mean? Like, you have to have the whole gang, or else, who cares? What if there were a murderer? Now we're talking. And the only suspects were the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Who was, who's the victim? Who got murdered? I guess, who's in charge now?

Joseph Smith? No, he was the original guy. I don't know if he in the, and the choir ever met. Okay, we'll say Mike Lee. The English film director? Yes. Happy and go lucky? L-E-I-G-H. You're right.

But, and what if they all did it? Oh, like a murderer on the Order to Express. Yeah. They all did one stag. All 100 of them. More, according to that. How many? 200?

300? I have 300. Do I hear more? This is exciting. Is it 360? Did you say? Hey, I'm talking to him. I'm sorry, I'm in a bad mood. Is that so they can all stand in a circle

and jerk off looking at each other? They've won for every angle. Every degree? Why is it 365 so there's one for every day? Yeah. And there's a one extra guy who's just waiting. Every four years.

Every four years, he gets to sing with them. And then one of them goes to every single person's house every day. What? I'm still thinking about fire paper. One of them goes to everyone's house, every single day? Yeah. Here's what I think. Mormon Tabernacle Choir starts January 1st.

Yes. One tabernacle comes out on stage. Right. January 2nd. Two tabernacle. Exactly. They keep building. So the end of the year, how exciting. December 31st, the whole

gag is here. Wow. And they sing, what do you do in New Year's Eve? In 300-part harmony. Maybe they sing whatever the song of the summer was. Sure. Brat. Yeah, whatever. Kamala is Brad.

Kamala is Brad, of course. That's been established. Hot to go. I'd love to hear the former time of an echo choir singing. ought to go. Would that be beautiful? Beautiful. Are they required to sing everything like that? Yes.

If you can't sing like that, you're not in. What if you have a beautiful, Aretha-esque voice? Don't peddle your papers somewhere else. We don't need that. What we need is, woo, woo, woo. Well, Tony, speaking of peddling your papers, She is the heiress to Earth paper

Earth paper You're the heir to the gaseous paper throne I still think that I mean it sounds like she's definitely trying to Here's what I'm saying Here's what I'm saying When you get to a certain tier of wealth

It doesn't matter anymore It doesn't matter anymore You gain perspective That's why I feel sad for billionaires They're not over it yet You know what I mean? Yeah. It's a relief.

They're still checking the price of milk. Oh, it's a relief. Once you get up to 50 zeros... That's how many zeros? Shush, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. You realize it's all zeros. Everything is zeros. Zero is nothing.

Yes. Too many zeros. Way more zeros than the thing at the front of it. Ah! They're weighing you down. Exactly. Except they do free you in a way because it's great to have money. Where's your money going to go when you die?

Space. You're going to shoot it up into space like a confetti cannon? No, I'm kidding. Ooh, that's not a bad idea. And then it rains down on the populace? That would be so cool. Boy, that's it. I was just going to divide it amongst all my ex-wives.

That's nice. Yeah. Although 69 of them, now they only get, I'm trying to think of what 50 zeros would be. Well, don't. Okay. that will also make you go bad

trying to calculate my wealth will it will overwhelm you it's like a 7-18 I don't know anyway I don't know I think she's trying to kill you I wouldn't be surprised if you

some accident happens in this you know fake theater that we're in right now she's set it up these curtains which are not protecting the backstage people from the audience at all,

they could tear those asunder at any moment. Do you, oh, you thought that they were there for defense? In any crowd, there could be a madness that overcomes them. And they storm the side of the building.

We do have counter-sniper's in the high locations up there. That's right. So if you're sitting at the counter, Get about it. I don't think she's trying to kill me. I think she's trying to mess with my head. It obviously works.

Look at you. You're not the same alimony, Tony. I think, Scott, I think we're going to get divorced. It's for the best, guys. It's for the best. Look, if it's broken, if it's broken and you can't fix it, throw it away. It doesn't just apply to cars.

Well, Tony, now that you've made the decision, there's one thing I want to remind you. Yeah. You're going to be paying alimony money. Oh, yeah, baby! All right! I'm back. Yeah, baby.

Does that make you hoardy? Hey. I don't get sexual gratification out of paying alimony. I want that very clear. I get asked that a lot. Really? from Austin Powers impersonators? Yes.

Okay, they're just... What is with these guys? They're just impersonating. They're not talking to you specifically. Well, I've never seen the movie. How do I know? Oh, you've got to see it. These guys are coming up to me. As a representative of the Austin Powers verse.

I was in Goldmender, of course. I don't know what that is. Oh, I envy you not knowing what gold member is yet. Yet? You're going to be laughing so. hard. Will I recognize you in the film? Check this out.

Okay. All right. Do you recognize me? I do. You'll recognize me in the film. That's great news. Well, buddy, I'm so happy. Is that too informal? I feel like you say that to kids.

Okay. All the buddy. All right, buddy. Well, that's wonderful. Oh, buddy. Good for you, buddy. Hey, buddy, it's time to go to sleep, buddy. We'll go to Grandma's, buddy.

Put your shoes on, buddy. Don't wonder, kids, it's so horrible. People talk to him that way. You don't have to. You're not, it's not legally... But everybody does. I know, isn't it strange? The first time...

This is what I'm saying. The first time a buddy slips out of your mouth, it's just like, ah, did I just start with the buddies? Have you said, you have a child now. I do. Almost a girl. Have you started calling her buddy? I have not.

No, I think it slipped out once. Do you feel it coming? It's tempting, because everyone does it. All the other people dropping them off everywhere. Okay, buddy, we're going to do this, buddy. Ugh. I feel like we had a great off ramp with the fact that you were going to pay alimony. Yes, we did.

And now... What happened, do you think? We stared at each other. I don't remember. I was getting nervous when you take the bike all the way away from you, mouth. I feel like it's a real

fuck you. That's real it's your problem now, buddy. Well, look, Alamone, Tony, I'm so happy. Thank you. I can't wait to be paying my money.

I could be the one to tell you that you're going to be paying alimony. I'm glad it was you. Your 69th. Can we high five? Yes, of course we can. Alamone Tony, everybody. High five gets them every time.

Alamone Tony. Alamoony Tony. Hello, Monty, Tony. Hello, morning, Tony. What are they trying to say about that? What are they trying to say about that? Were they talking about themselves? I think it was a cheeky little wink.

It wasn't them. someone else was saying it. That was slowing it down again. Yep. All right. Tony, our next guest, I'd like to remind you that our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,

started out as a humble carpenter. Okay. And so did our next guest. She is a pop star. Please welcome Sabrina Carpenter. Sabrina Carpenter, everyone. I'm working late. Sabrina Carpenter.

Oh, hello. Hello, so nice to meet you. I didn't catch a lot of those lyrics. Enchanté? Wow, it is awesome to be here tonight. What a cool basketball theater turned into an auditorium. What's a basketball theater. I never heard the term before

but I think she's nailed it where you go to see intimate games of basketball in a black box I just see every space is a potential performance space so even sports are really just a performance aren't they yes

woo woo whew Sabrina it's a pleasure to have you on the show of course I'm a big fan of all of your work Of course. I mean, I have the song of the summer. Hit it. That was my hit. What was the last thing you said? Espresso. Okay.

That's, of course, the title of the song, Espresso. Me, Espresso, that's right. What's the step before that, Coming up me? It's... Coming out here, coming out home, some of the chin on a mom. When I'm in a key,

some of the own, coming out, me espresso. I really appreciated it to hear the a cappella version. Yeah. You know, Sabrina, I do song parodies in my spare time as...

We never talked about that tonight. Under the name We had a Moni, alimony, Tony. And would you mind if I did a parody of your song right now?

Oh my God, I would love that. All right, here we go. Hit it. So, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Fididu stream, 4-a-o-o-la-bis-a-bis-a-bill-be-a-bill-be-a-spresso. Did I do it? I'm working late. That was so good. Thank you. Oh, my God.

I hope you know by taking liberties with the lyrics. Crazy, yeah, no. One of the rare song parodies that has the exact same lyric at the end. Exactly. But it's spelled differently. Oh, is how are you spelling espresso? M-E-E.

Oh, oh, okay. Oh, me espresso. Does that what you know? Why? Why go so slow? I feel like I can't see both of you. I'm going to go like this. I can see your cutie little faces.

Hi, Sabrina. Hi. It's so wonderful to talk to you. A big fan, you, of course, started out as an actor on shows like Girl Meets World. That's right. That's the show, Boy Meets World, but with a girl, kind of like this show, how there's just one girl. This one was tough to put together. Let's go fly to Utah in the middle of the summer.

And then obviously, yeah, I just kind of transitioned into music, and I have been blowing up, mainly also because I am dating quite a big actor right now. I had no idea. Who are the biggest actors now? John Travolta. Kevin Spacey. No. But both of them are really cool and hot.

Um, no, I'm dating Barry Keogan. Yeah, the guy that drinks the bathwater. Yeah. Yeah, the guy that fucked the dirt. That is my boy. Cool. Yeah. That's so great.

Do you have a name for your partnership, your relationship? Oh, a portmanteau? What's that? A couple, portmanteau. Yeah, I guess we just call ourselves, um, um, um, Sub-Berry. It's a little close to Sparrow's. Do you ever get confused for that?

Would people come up and ask you for pizza? All the time. You know, we're just out there all over each other and people are like, can I get a pizza? Can I get a piece of pizza that tastes like literally nothing? Like a cardboard, like a piece of cardboard with cheese. Yeah. What about Key Arpenter?

That has, I don't know, so much ring to. it, but I kind of like, so very... But I'm so excited to be in Utah tonight, you guys. Yeah, so are we. Yeah, I love Utah. So we're all of them. They love it here.

So much to do. So much to see. So many places to go. I want to be where the people can go. Can live. I want to go

a little. Mormon Tabernacle Choir doing Under the Sea. Go. Under the Sea. Under the sea. Life is much better. Down where is wetter. Take it from me. Um, well, I guess I'm in Utah because I am on a mission of sorts, actually.

Oh, wow. I mean, a lot of times people leave Utah to go on missions. I know, but you're here to be on a mission. I'm on a mission in Utah. Wow. I know. Never, no one's ever done it. You think that ever, like, you think that ever.

It's a real physician heal myself moment. Do you think a Mormon ever, it's like when you join, you know, oh, World War II, I'm going to go join the Army and then you're like stationed at a base in your hometown? Like, did they ever go on a mission? It's like, well, you're going to be just, you know, kind of around here. It does happen, yeah. Yeah.

Why would they leave this place undefended? That's what I say. I think they should build a wall. You know, the Jehovah's Witnesses are trying to invade Utah. So what is your mission? What are you here to do? Well, I was recently hired by Starbucks. The company, yeah.

Speaking of mermaids. Speaking of mermaids, I wasn't there for that part. Oh, we just sang under the sea. I don't remember that. I blocked it out. Okay. Yeah, I got hired by them. They're paying me $900 million to get Mormons into coffee.

Wow Yeah Obviously my big hit Nia espresso They were like This is a no-brainer Let's get her on the ground Boots on the ground

Boots on the ground Tits on the ground Yeah As in the air As in the ass up Face down Ass up That's the way I like to fuck

That's the way I like to fuck That's the way I like to fall That's the way I like to For me So Because Mormons traditionally don't drink caffeine Right, and they don't fuck either

But yes, they don't drink caffeine And obviously there's some gray area Because some people drink Soda sometimes I've heard I've heard rumor Are they allowed to drink 7-Up? Crystal Clean, no caffeine They could drink 7-Up

And Dr. Pepper, too, right? No caffeine. Dr. Pepper doesn't have caffeine? How the fuck am I drinking that? For the delicious taste. The delicious taste of prune. Mm-mm, good. So Starbucks brought you here, flew you here.

What are you doing in order to get? I am basically on the... the ground kind of doing word of mouth. So I just have these sayings that I've been saying around town just to get in people's ears, get Mormons to crave coffee, and really just get after that espresso, if you know what I mean. Maybe we could hear some of these? Yeah, sure.

Maybe these people after the show would all go to Starbucks and get a nice pick me up. Let's take a look here. One of the ones that Starbucks told me to say is feeling something. Sluggish, try Starbucks new white chocolate Java chip Mokicino sweet cream latte with crunchy crumbs. One sip, and you'll feel Brigham Young again. So imagine me, I'm just kind of walking around Salt Lake. Just saying that.

Maybe I spot a woman with a braid or a dress. That's when I launch into my campaign. And it's been working. It's been working. I mean, could we sort of role-play this and see, can I be the woman with the braid or the dress? Do I have to pick? Whatever you want, sweetie pie.

Okay, thank you, Sabrina. I'll be the tree. Do you want me to say the same line I said before? No, you can say something different, that's quite. Oh, awesome. Oh, I'm going to miss those crunchy crumbs. Good point. Can you put crunchy crumbs into it?

Absolutely. I'll totally insert that in. Okay, great. Here we go. That's what she said. Absolutely. That is what she said. No, I heard it.

Then why are you glaring at me? Slippery sloped your boy. All right. Here we go. Okay, so. Feeling hot. in the summer, sun. Cool off

with Starbucks' new white chocolate vanilla sweet cream, oat foam shakerado. With Joseph Smith's golden foam. One sip, and you'll feel just like the first president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

when he got married to his 40th wife. I Couldn't help notice a lack of crunchy crubs in there? This is when I'm following her home. So she's already gotten home now. Stay away from me! She's already home and I stop her and I go... I'll be the tree that's outside the house.

Honey, please. I forgot my keys. Please. Let me hear. I'm in the house? We bring the outdoors in. So are you in the house? Maybe I'm married to a tree? Wait, am I the husband at a tree? Yeah. All right.

Honey, honey. What is it to? Grow your branches out through the window. I forgot my keys and someone crazy is following me. It's going to take too long. Hey. What is it? What do you want?

Don't forget about crunchy crumbs. Hit it. Sama. Sama na. That's a me a spasa. That's got me a spress off But samanahee, samana he, samana ah, some that's he now I'm sorry

But samanahee, ma'na, ah, that's that me a stress off. I'm working late Because I'm a singer And it looks too cute Ram, m'am-a-la-ma-la-ma-ma. I think that worked. It actually did make me want one of those.

Yeah, it's been working, like, crazy. I mean, if you're looking around Salt Lake right now, you guys, all of the Starbucks have been flooding. by sister wives and one man with them. Sabrina, they ask a question. Yeah. Have you seen any of them

actually drink the coffee after you've talked to them? I have, but obviously I have to go back to their house to watch them drink it. So they follow... So they buy it, they take it straight home. Exactly, exactly.

But yeah, like, I'm just like, I'm so proud of myself, honestly. and to be honest, Barry is really proud of me too. Do you mind if I give him a call? Yeah, let's call Barry. This is Barry Coheet. Keogan, my boyfriend, my famous boyfriend.

Yeah. Keogan. Hello? It's ringing. Hello? Can you turn it up even slightly? Barry? Is that you? Oh, it's my girlfriend.

Sabrina Caterbury. Hey, Dave, I was just talking about you. Oh, yeah, I was staring off into the corner of the room. I'm thinking about you. That's so awesome, babe. I have been rocking it, making everybody drink coffee in Salt Lake. Oh, babe, that's your dream come true. Can I ask Barry a question?

Yes, please. Where are you from? I'm from the rolling green hills of England the United Kingdom. Checks out. No further questions. Barry, it was so good to talk to you, babe. I'll call you soon, okay?

What? I want to stay on the phone and talk with you. You are my girlfriend. Babe, can you say that one famous line from Saltburn? I'm about to fuck the grave. Okay, that was awesome. I'll call you soon. Okay, bye. Bye, Barry, we love you. Bye, Barry, we love you.

Wow. She hung up. Yeah, so, I mean, my work is changing the world. Yeah, it's incredible. Are you going to do this worldwide? I am, I think. Or do you think it will be more of a domino effect? Well, the thing is, I've learned there are Mormons.

I almost said margaritas. There are margaritas all over the world. There are Mormons all over the world because they spread their religion places. So my plan is to go where the Mormons go and convert them to coffee. I want to go where the Mormon. My mom's goal and come back to

Corby E E E By Mormons So That's a great point.

So yeah. So yeah. My next stop. My next stop is somewhere, you know, where all the Mormons go. Where's that? Ballroom dancing competitions? Columbia. That was close.

Columbia, I didn't realize so many Mormons went to Columbia. They are constantly going there. Do you mean the college? Yes. Oh, okay. Most people think they go to Brigham University, but no, they go to Columbia. Yeah, they have a big roster there. So I picture myself just walking around the campus going,

Dairy Free? No problem. Try Starbucks new dairy-free nitro-cold brew Carmelita Dolce Blast with blended oatmeal chunks and dry toast. One sip, and you'll feel as good as Real Housewife Salt Lake City, Lisa Barlow, when Jen Shaw went to prison for deep rotting old people. How long were they in for? Jen Chaw?

Yeah. She's still in there. Still in there? Oh, yeah. She's going to be in there a long time. Really? Yeah. We love that for her.

We love that for her. She's giving prison realness. She is. It's so fun when they go to prison on those shows. Yeah. I feel like if you sign up for one of those shows, you should agree to go to prison for a little bit as well. I think so, too.

You know? I mean, I think it's pretty common at this point to go, like Teresa Judah is. She was in there for a while. Obviously, Jen Shaw. But it would be great if, like, on Vanderpump Rules, if, you know, when Scandavall happened, he had to go to jail for it. It'd be good.

Hit it. Oh, are we hitting it? Nama to he, numbinga, oh. That's a me espresso. Dumbana key, so on, don't know, oh, Dumma, me a special. So I'm going to sing it with me. Sabina E, no one know.

Come in a year, oh. I'm working late. Singer. Let me do so cute. B'naman la la. And I get this pungo. She won't stop honing on towning peak. Come and get this calling.

Get a bog bitch. Carpenter, everyone. Ah, blah, blah. Woo. I turned around and I didn't see you. I was hiding. I thought maybe you went to the bathroom, and I was like, I got to really,

I've got to really work the crowd. Is this the altitude, or are we older shit? I shouldn't have had so much Mexican food before. We had the best, the best Mexican food in Salt Lake City. I ate two chili rainos really close to a toilet. I've never felt better in my whole life. I housed three chicken flouters like the earth was about to implode. Yeah.

All right, well, we need to get to our next cast. Obviously, a lot is going on in the world these days. Like what? Mainly in politics. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. Trying to catch my breath. I was doing...

High kick. Yeah, you were, like, trying to be a Dallas Cowboys churned. Doing the jump split. The jump split. Yeah. They shouldn't do that anymore, right? No. Every single one of them says that they have spinal problems because of it.

Yeah, yeah. It's not good to do. No. Woo! I would like one of those makeovers that they give the girls, though. I don't know why you don't do that for Comedy Bang Bang. I know, where I kind of look at you as you walk in and I go like, oh, your highlights are just... Well, if you think about it, when you have guests on your podcast, everyone's...

It's just all audio. And then you bring your guests in front of these big crowds, and it's like, they're not ready for that. Yeah. No one's ready to see what they really look like. You think we need HMU? I do. I think we need lots of bronzer, too. Well, let's get to our next guest.

There's a lot going on in the news. He's a political strategist. He's here to talk to us about all of that. Please welcome first time on the show, Fairly Longfellow. Fairly Longfellow. Fairly Longfellow. So great to meet you.

Scott, I'm not going to lie to you. I hope not. I'm not going to lie to you. Okay. It's getting bad out here. Yeah, what's going on? So mine, let me explain who I am first. Okay.

You've never met me before. Let me explain who I am. Oh, a magician. I'm a magician of sorts. Hmm. Because I make magic. I create things. What I create,

you ever get a text message from a politician about a prop? or anything. A proposition? A proposition? A preposition, a turn of phrase. So like when Prop 13 comes out? Yes.

You get a text message from someone. We don't know who. We don't know who it is. Right. Oh. Do you want to switch it up? Do you think it's because you said the number 13? Oh, that's what it is.

Not, you can't say that proposition number. Okay. So Proposition 12 plus. Whenever that's a Proposition 14, we all know it's really Proposition 13. Exactly. It's like a hotel. So you don't know who these text messages are from. They're from me. They're from you.

Yes. I've been getting a lot lately. You do? Yeah, I've been getting up until Sunday, it was like, Joe Biden needs your support. Because he does, Scott. He needs your support. And I thought they would end on Sunday afternoon. Nope. We're still coming.

I got some new ones for you. tonight. How many signatures do they need for that thank you card? They need a lot of signatures. I can't keep signing it. The thank you is invalid if they don't have six million signatures. It's an invalid thank you. It's an empty and empty thank you.

It's like when somebody goes, ooh, do you like my new haircut? And they go, ah, hey. It's like that? It's like that if they don't get six million. You have to understand this. So I came to let you know. I just decided to come here in person. Thank you. Yeah. We love to have political

strategists on the show. It's a lot like POTSafe America or stuff like that. So, but you're the guy who writes these text messages. Yeah. And you're here to do what now? Send them to you in person. Oh, okay. The personal touch. A personal touch. Scott, I'm not going to lie to you. I see. Okay. Don't respond. You don't respond yet. Okay. Scott, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm sorry to text you this late, but your bike needs your help. If you could please, just reach into that wallet and donate anything you can. Tech stop to quit.

What does Joe Biden need my help with now? These are not the important questions. The important question is, what are you doing right now? Can you take out your wallet? Give me your debit card number. Expiration date. Code. Security code.

Security code. On the back, three numbers. Four, if you have an American Express. Scott, this is not time to be asked. Asking about it, tech stop to quit. Shouldn't the other cars have had four once American Express was like, we got four? Like, wouldn't you be, if you were Visa,

wouldn't you be like, yeah, yeah, we have four, too? I think three set you apart. Three is a magic number. I told you I was a magician. Hmm. Well, I don't know that I would respond to that one. I'm sorry. No?

No. How about this? Scott, you up? Because I'm trying to fuck. Up your bank account. Please donate anything you can. Joe Biden needs your help. Tech stop to unsubscribe.

That seems out of character for Joe Biden, I'd say. There's so much going on in the world right now. Joe Biden can't be sticking to the character you think he is. What's going on with Joe? Why does he need so much help? Scott. I'm about to tell you through this, though. Okay, yeah.

Because you want to know, I'm about to tell Scott, but you'll be listening, because I'm actually talking to you. Scott, I have COVID. And the only thing that can save me is if you reach down into your wallet, take out your credit card, donate anything you can, pennies, nickels, dimes. Take stop to unsubscribe.

Joe, he distributed the vaccines. That's the only way. And he didn't take one for himself. That's how selfless he is. He didn't take one for himself. He gave his to Kamala? He gave his to Kamala. Wow.

He took Johnson and Johnson, but it was just lotion. It was a vial of lotion, Scott. You got a check? You got a check. You have to check. Anytime you get any kind of ejection, always ask if it's lotion. They have to tell you.

They have to tell you. That is your right to ask. It's just like when you were pulled over by a cop, You say, what are you pulling me over for? When you go get a vaccine, you say, is this lotion? And a person at CVS or Walgreens, whatever you have here, probably goes, ah, you got me. You got me.

Scott, that's... Is it the way you're holding it? It might be. Let me hold it like this. Liam Gallagher style. Scott, the altitude here is giving me sickness. Sickness. And the only thing that can solve this,

is a bit of a donation from you. I know you got it. I know you got it. Text out to unsubscribe. I still, I don't think I would do it because honestly I've gotten some that are like 500% matches,

700% matches, 900% matches. You haven't said you're going to match anything. Okay, is that what you want? Scott, I got a book of matches in my pocket. And I will light this bitch on fire. Everybody in here will be roasted. And you can save them. All I need is a $5 donation.

Joe Biden will set this place on fire. All you need is a $5 donation. Text out and don't subscribe. You can't burn down this beautiful school auditorium. This is beautiful. Think of the kids. Also, you did. I didn't answer my question.

No. About Joe, is Joe okay? What's going on with Joe? Yeah, I haven't watched the news in a few years. What's going on with Joe Biden? You know what? Why don't I tell you in a way that you can understand? Okay.

Sir. I'm working late, because I'm a singer, and it's not giving me enough money, so I need Scott to donate. donate. Being a singer at night is not giving me enough money. I'm working all throughout the night to collect donations. Joe Biden is a singer and he's working late. You're working all throughout the night? That's when you're a singer, you said. Yes, I'm singing for tips. I'm busking.

In the middle of a bus station is dangerous. I've been stabbed. And the only thing that can stitch up that wound is a donation from you, Scott. Whatever you can give. Joe Biden has been stabbed to answer your question in a bus station while he was busking in a busk station because the busses don't run there anymore because that's the economy

because we don't have enough money Scott please tech stop to unsubscribe stop it doesn't work damn it I'll just come back with a different name Anyway, what's up with you?

It's not really important. Joe Biden was stabbed. I knew something was up with it. Where was he stabbed in the head or the heart or the butt? He was stabbed in the butt. In the crease. Under the butt cheek at the top of the thigh. The back thigh.

The part that tastes so, so good. Try it tonight. Couples, try it tonight. I urge every couple in this room to taste the bottom of the butt cheek right where it creases. And don't shower yet. Don't shower before you do it.

It's 102 degrees here in Salt Lake City. Don't shower. Go straight home, throw your partner on the bed, taste that crease. And after you're done doing that, donate to Joe Biden. He needs your help. That's one of the text messages.

Everybody in here just got that one. Text out to unsubscribe. It won't work. You can upsubscribe all day. I'll still be there. I already got your number, bitches. Are these just coming to me or are they going out to everyone? Some people. Some people. It's not one of the choices.

Some people. You, others. Are you a political guy? Do you know anything about politics? I try to stay out of politics. I try to stay out of it. I got friends on both sides. What kind of podcast do you listen to?

Because sometimes that can be a hint. Oh, whatever. Kill Tony. The Joe Rogan experience. The Milo's Yan' Anabolist experience. So you have friends on both sides. I got friends on both sides. I don't want to, listen, I played college baseball.

Some have tiki torches, some aren't carrying them. Yes. Some people have, they all have teaky torches. It's just different that they have them, different reasons. What's going on with this mic now? Do you want to switch back? I didn't switch at all. You never switched?

No, switch. So who? The person holding one right in front of your face. New mic, who this? It's Scott, and I need your money. Wait, you're me now? I'm you. Ladies and gentlemen of Salt Lake City, it's Scott Ockerman.

I need your help. I'm coming to you. I wouldn't just come to you for no reason, okay? You all support me, you're all here, you're all supporting me in this high school gymnasium. I need you to support me in one more way. Can you guess what it is? You think it is.

You think it's money. But what it actually is, is licking the crease between the bottom of my butt cheek and the top of my thigh. Again, this is Scott Ockerman talking to you. Scott, I'm so sorry to say, but Mormons don't have sex. So, unfortunately, a lot of these people aren't going to go home and lick each other's assholes like he wanted them to. I did not say assholes.

I would never disrespect these Mormon people like that. I did not say assholes. I said thigh crease. Now, if your tongue slips, what? You're just trying to get to the tongue slipping. It's not up to me. I have friends on both sides of the ass. Left cheek, right cheek.

Left cheek, right cheek. Left cheek, right cheek. Everybody. Left cheek, right cheek. And those of you who didn't do it, I know you're the main ones licking ass. Your trap worked. Gotcha.

You should have my hands on a Dr. Pepper t-shirt. No, that doesn't say that. Oh, man, we were just talking about this. No, that's it. No, it's Dr. Peck. Dr. Peck. I don't know what that is. Is that what it's called when you put the coffee creamer inside of it?

Do you guys drink that? Do you drink the coffee creamer inside of the Dr. Pepper with a little bit of lime juice? Raise your hands if you do that. Thank you so much. You people specifically, I need your help. It was only 10 people. 10 donations is more than zero. For just one cup of Dr. Pepper with coffee creamer and lime juice in it,

you could be saving this country's democracy. Joe Biden was caught in a wrestling match that he did not expect to be in. And he hurt his ankle. Oh, my God. He hurt his ankle. He twisted his ankle. It's light. It's a light sprayed.

He's okay. But he also has COVID. No. He got it again since he tested pot or, negative today? Well, he was deemed negative today. And then the wrestling match when he hurt his ankle, it kind of opened up a blood vessel that he got back in.

Yeah. Who was he fighting in there? Huh? Who was he fighting? Roman Reigns. Captain America. That's a tough bout. And now he needs your money. Speaking about, are you about to take out your wallet and send me some money?

Joe Biden needs your help. Check stop down, subscribe. Scott, I have to go. What? You just got out of here. I have to go. No, please stay. Please, fairly.

We're altitude sickness. We're so high up. We are so high up right now. They're used to it. We're new here. They're used to it. We are new here. We're new in town.

New friend in town. Joy, come late leave a new friend and calls. Yes. Everybody. When you're not going to run. With a new friend in town. Take stop to unsubscribe. Yes. Hello.

You're used to giving money away. Yes, fella. Yes, I am. This is Kamala Harris. Oh, hello. My friend Joe Biden needs you. is that so keep me out of it my friend Joe Biden needs your help

alimony Tony for just one alimony payment that's not bad you're gonna be doing 69 of them right now it's a lot of money though it's a lot of money yeah that should be going to an ex-wife but what if it went to democracy

I've got friends on both sides is this Kamala still Connolla has friends on both sides No, this is Scott Alckerman What? Scotty, what's happening? Hey, Scott Scott, who are your friends on both sides?

I'd love to know. Comedians? Comedians? Tim Dillon. That's it? That's my only friend. He flip-flops a lot. Scott, I got to go.

Okay, no. Please. Stay here. I have to catch a train at the Union Pacific Station. You can't just throw out local references for applause. Union Pacific.

This city has a train station. Where are you headed? Fairly. I am hauling lumber back into this country's lumber towns. Where did it come from? Lumbertown.

And you're saying you packed them. The towns were lumber towns. Jacks live. Right. And what I need to get there is coal. Okay. And coal costs money. Right. Sabrina Carpenter, you have plenty of it. That's right.

So Scott, if you could donate... The fake out got me again. Look, I'm sorry, I'm not going to donate anything. I mean, I don't even think that you really know Joe Biden. What? Me? Have you ever met Joe Biden?

Me? Who? No, you. I'm talking about you. Me? Yes, you. Stop asking me. No, you. Man, please. Me and Joe Biden go way back. When's the last time you saw Joe Biden? I named his nickname. I named his middle name.

I named him Joseph Robinette. His mother asked me, I can't, I cannot think of a middle name for this person. But I expect, she can't. her kid a person. I cannot think of a nickname. I cannot think of a middle name for this person. She was flip-flopping between nicknames and middle names.

She settled on middle name. Yeah. His nickname is Chunky. Chucky? Not after the famous Chucky. Chucky, what? Either cheese or the doll. Not Chucky.

What'd you say? Chunky. Chunky? His nickname is Chunky? Please do not disparage my good friend, Charles Entertainment Cheese. I have friends on both sides and Charles Entertainment he is on one of those sides you take a guess what it is

All right, fairly long fellow everyone, fairly long fellow I have to go I have to leave. Please stay. Please stay. All right. I'll stay. But only for a little bit longer. Only for a little bit longer.

I mean, I'm like a golden retriever around here. We only have a, I'm sorry. Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt your fucking show. Sir, please. I'm looking for my two fucking golden retrievers. Has anybody seen him?

No, don't clap for me. I'm not part of this. Nonsense. No, it's fine. Has anybody seen them? You guys seen two? I'm missing my two fucking golden retrievers. What kind of aisle is this?

Goes nowhere. This guy's spreading his legs like he wants me to come and exit right there. That's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. That's not the type of... What kind of town is this? It's spreading your legs for me. Not tonight.

Hey. Oh, sorry. You got a question? Oh, okay. Hi. Jesus fucking Christ. I got a job to do right now. I'm looking for my two golden retrievers.

So we're in the middle of a show. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry to... Because my two dogs aren't more important than the fucking show. From what I'm looking at back there, I was back there for a minute. This doesn't look like a show. It looks like you're just fucking around on stage.

A show is rent. Go see rent. What are you guys doing? Six hundred minutes. I don't think so. I don't think so. No, my hometown, Medford, Massachusetts, they did a, they, yeah, okay. What?

What? Wait, does that punch? Yeah, my name is Pudge. I'm looking for my two Golden Retrievers. Scott Ackerman, Comedy Bang Bang. You've interrupted our show before. Oh, I'm sorry. What are you doing here in Salt Lake City?

What am I doing? I'm looking for my two Golden Retrievers. Sweet Caroline. Sweet Caroline. Oh, fuck off. No. Come on. That's not what this is about.

This is about fun. And they come into America. And I haven't found him yet. I've been on a hunt, looking for them. And I'm sorry if it's interrupting your entertainment. Yeah, it's okay, Pudge. We can look for your... Has anyone seen these two golden retrievers here?

Anybody, Sheena? No, don't back at me. No, this is serious. My wife is pissed at me. Can you imagine someone loses their dog and says, if you've seen my dog and you go, roo-roof? Yeah, that hurts. What the fuck, dude?

My baby's been kidnapped. Go-go-go-go. I have, uh, my wife, my wife is livid. You're married? She's, yes, I'm married. This has never come up, Pudge. It absolutely has.

Go, you know, listen to some of the things I've interrupted. It's definitely come up. I am married. And she's a beautiful woman. Hey, she's a big woman. She's a beautiful woman. She's a big, beautiful woman, and I love her. You love her curvy wife.

She got two cats, like. week to try to replace the Golden Retriever. One of the names. What? What are the names? Alamoni Tony, a comedy bag being guessed.

Alamoni Tony, nice to meet you. Yeah, well, she's a big Bruce Springs team fan, so they have different names. Let me guess. Also, they have different names. They have different names. Do you want to take a guess? Yeah, let me guess. Bruce. She didn't name the same thing. Dancing in the

DAC. Sure. Dancing in his That's a little, that's a little black and white cookie. Right. And born in the USA, a little piece of shit. That thing gets into a lot of trouble. Bad news is they're lost already.

They're already lost. She left the door open. Hey, you know what's a great idea, everybody? Put some fucking stairs up to the stage so I don't have to linger here. No, Pudge, we don't want you coming on stage. Like a goddamn mania. What are we in? Are we in a goddamn YMCA?

Does this come? Is there a poor? in here? What is this show? You think there's a retractable floor, like, and it's a wonderful life where there's a pool in me? I don't know. I'm not your fucking manager. I don't know. Climb on those speakers or whatever they are. Oh, just climb.

Like, I'm not a 22-year-old kit. Oh, dear. Oh. All right, Pudge, everyone. Pudge is here. That was mostly me. Admit it. Admit it.

That was mostly me. As harrowing, as harrowing as I was to watch, it went better than I thought it was going. Yeah. It's nice to see you guys. Go on with your show. Is this, this is all open, right? This is free to use?

Yeah. Until about 7 a.m. when the principal comes. This is a fucking school? Yeah. All right. I'm going to take a leak back here. No, Pudge, please. Oh, shut the fuck up.

I've got to take a quick little leak. Hey, don't take, don't take... Let me give everyone a view. You don't need to... Don't take... You're not one of those leaguers that takes your pants all the way down. Why?

What's that? Why take your pants all the way down? Why not? You can almost see the crease. Oh, Jesus. Please, sir. Now you can't. So the creases, it's this crease right there?

Yes, that's the crease. Okay. Can you point out the police words? Hey, can everybody, please, can everybody whistle right now? Everybody whistle! The Andy Griffin theme song. There it is. There it is.

That's that good, thick stream I was looking for. Okay. I feel like there has to be some decency laws in this town. We are in violation now. Okay. Are we going to get arrested? I'm not getting arrested. I'm friends with the president.

Is that legal? what I just did. You exposed yourself in a children's school. You are now on the offender list. You are going to jail. You are going to jail, period. This has been hot.

Finish putting on your pants before you come home. Please just sit down, punch, yeah. Button up your pants, belts, everything. You know, this is the problem, you know. You guys are sitting here doing this show and you're gazing off into the distance. You know, and you're not worried about what I have to do.

Huh? Finding my goldins. Do you care? I mean, you've been coming on this show for years at this point. You haven't found them in between us meeting each other. Oh, so I should just give up? In this point, I mean, they've been gone for how long at this point? They've been gone for a good four or five years.

Have you tried putting up flyers? Have I tried? That's all I've done. I've been everywhere in the United States putting up fly. You haven't seen one of my flyers? No. Well, they're everywhere. They say Lost Dogs and then it gives

a phone number 310 980 4053 It's a good number. And people have called in with leads. I'll be honest, they've called in with leads, they've sent some pictures. It sounds like a real phone number, that's for sure.

Yeah. Yeah, it's not. And people People are always like, hey, you're from Medford, fucking Massachusetts. Why do you have a California number? Yeah, why is that? Fuck off. You know what? It's T-Mobile.

They have no rules. It's anarchy there. Yeah. Pull your pants up. What are you doing with your pants now? Pull your pants up. What do you have there? What's in your pocket?

I'm eating an uncrustable. I'm sorry. Anybody want one? Go fuck you. Go by your own fucking uncrustibles. What am I going to bring 100 uncrustibles up on States? Have you had one of these?

No, what are they? Try a bite. No. Don't be a fucking donkey. Try a bite. Scott, don't be a donkey. Don't be a donkey. Try a bite of the uncrustable.

That was so close to everything that I just saw. Scott's not a donkey. He's an elephant. He's one of my friends. On the other side. You're not bad. You took it from the wrong side. That's what, she said?

I didn't say anything. Oh, sorry. So it's just like a P.B. and J that's been smashed? Yeah, it's like, it's uncrustable. Fucked. It's like it's an unbelievable sandwich. It simply cannot be crusted. Okay.

Hell no. No, I saw you touching your dick, and then you touched that, and then you gave it to Scott, and Scott ate it. So in a lot of ways, in a lot of ways, you just ate a little piece in my dick. In a lot of ways, I'm saying, you know? I guess I didn't really think about the chain of custody before I took that bite. All right. It's all right.

What are all these people? These people pay to see you? I don't know. I hope not. Everybody here won a radio giveaway. It looks like... They all tried to win a car and ended up here. Try Mitt Romney's Super Cheddar Chucky Bites.

Available now at Starbucks. You guys paid for this. Every single one of you, whether you believe it or not or whether you want to face it, you're going home tonight and you're going to get in bed and be like,

eh. Unless you lick that crease. And then you're going to go, yum. What's in your other pocket? You have another one in there? How is he housing these without any milk?

You want to give that one away? What are you going to do? No, that guy's leaving. Hey, where are you going? Where are you going? Bro. That guy brought headphones to put on when he was like,

I don't like this. His hat is lighting up. You ready? Are you ready for this? He's just turned on his hat. There you go. Hold that. Can you catch? Wait, wait, wait. I have an idea. I have an idea. The guy who's spreading his legs. Sir, get back to spreading your legs. Let me see if I can. Can you hit his dick from here? No, sir. Get out of the line of fire. Not you.

That guy wants me to skip rock straight over. Extra points if you get it in his asshole. Now he wants to see it. Now he's like, oh, no, I better get back to my All right, hold on. I'm going to put this down whatever this is. I don't even know what that thing is. Oh.

Oh, so close. So close. Not bad at all. So close. We're so close to raising enough money. He'll eat it. He'll eat it in one bike. She's a fucking...

One bite? He's a fucking man. Oh. In three or four bites. Three or four bites. Sir, I'm so sorry. You were supposed to touch your dick first. No, I got it.

I touched it. You touched it. Okay, good. This is the first night of a very long engagement. Is that correct? Yes. It's the first night of two weeks. Okay.

Involving a lot of travel. Maybe not a lot of sleep. Yep. And this is the first night? This is the first night. Okay. You guys do this more than once? Pudge, we've seen you on this tour.

I don't remember. To be honest, I go to every Lodge community outing. I go to concerts. Last night I was at a Van Halen concert looking for him. Van Halen concert looking for him. Van Hila is not around anymore. Then I don't know who the fuck I watched for two hours. They were singing Van Haley Allen songs.

It might be Sammy Hagar. He's out there on the road right now with... Never heard of them. Never heard of them. Guy, imagine the people in the back row of this, how disappointed they are. They're not even... Look at them back there. They're sad.

Well, that wasn't what I expected. They're happy, actually. But they were going to back up. People love this, right? I guess. This is comedy. Stop. Stop downplaying it.

I'm not even going to ask for refunds. I'm not. And with those refunds, you can donate to save democracy. I'm sorry, I'm grumpy, okay? Why are you grumpy? Who are you, him? Who am I? What? Alimony Tony, he was grumpy at the beginning of the show.

I was grumpy at the beginning of the show. Yes, you have questions. Now, happy as a club. I do feel better. You guys have fun to hang out with. Do you want to go out after this show, maybe? Where do you want to go? I don't know.

Let's go get fucking hammed. It's easy to do in Salt Lake City because all the beers are like 1.2% alcohol. That's true. Did you know that? Is that a little or is that too much? That's a little. Do you know, without exaggeration,

I can drink 66 Korslites in an hour. That's not exaggerating. Here or elsewhere? Anyway. Well, here, especially. I could probably drink four or five hundred. Saw Lake City Saw Lake City, my man.

Don't tucks me with your peanut butter hands. That's the worst thing on his hands? Oh, yes. They're penis butter. Penis butter hands. Penis butter hands. I feel a penis butter. Maybe sham

maybe sham would be a good name for a Van Helen cover bag. Might as well sit down. They just think the opposite of every time. Van Halen song? You'll get it later. Skipping with God.

Skipping with God. It might not have been Van Halen. Yeah, I don't think it was. It might not have been, I don't know. I don't think it was. It could have been, it might have been Bonnie Raid.

Bonnie, that's very different. Bonnie, you're going to sit here and look me straight in the eye and tell me Bonnie Raid and Van Halen are different. Similar haircuts. Very similar. Very similar. Pull your pants up, sir.

I'm trying, but you put this device in my hand. Listen to Bill Cosby over there. I love Bill Cosby. Love him. Love him. Family man. Family man,

good guy. What are you? I've got it good. So good. I'm not attracted to my teacher. I'm cold for the chat. You're happy? You're happy? I'm all dressed up again.

I hope I'm not offending anyone anymore. All right? I'm sorry. I'm just... Columbia! Do you think the dogs are dead? They've got to be dead at this point. Calamoni?

I've thought about it. Yeah. And it does make me very sad, and I don't know. You know, maybe part of what I'm doing is just I'm searching for something other... Maybe I'm searching for something other than the dogs. Maybe the dogs never existed. Okay, I wasn't going that far. You think the dogs never...

Maybe I'm not married. Maybe I'm not from Boston. Hey, Pudge. Yeah. Feeling blue? Try Taggart Romney's new sweet cream moochiccichina blasters. It'll make you wonder if you should have been named Taggart. I'm on board.

I'll try that right now. Where do I get one? I'm on board. Starbucks. Right next to the big church. They have Duncan out here. Yeah, you've Dunkin out here? Do they?

Okay, settled down. Nobody asked. You just... Did we just hear that maybe you're not even from Medford? I don't know. Look where I am. I never thought I'd be famous. You're not.

You're just a guy who interrupted the show. Well, that's a... I did read a book once when I was studying stand up and acting. I read a book and it said you have to be aggressive and go in place.

So maybe this is how I became famous. Maybe this is it. Huh? Hey, right? No. No. No. Hey, put the music on.

No yet. Think about me. I've run. I'm a stressful. Coming on key. Don't want. I'm a key. So I'm a he, I'm anna, oh, that's high me espresso.

Someone on he, I'm gonna whoa, that side me espresso. Everybody, I'm working late. Everybody on your feet, clap your hair! It looks so cute. All right, nobody on your feet. I got my finger. And I got this one more, and he won't stop calling. My honey, please.

I got to get this rotten. Everybody put your pants down around. Everybody put your pants down. No, don't do it again. Don't do it again. Don't do it for you. I'll do it in a dream. K. Intributive.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? One brisk round of musical chairs? All right. So we need to take one chair away. I'll take this one away. Can we go over the rules? Yes, I believe. what happens is

we walk around the chairs in a circle. Do we walk one direction? One direction. We walk one direction. Okay. Your voice got very serious. One direction, Scott. I really want to win.

I really want to win. And then when the music stops, you race to sit in a chair. If you don't make it to a chair, you are eliminated. Yeah, okay, a little bit more because this is really intense. to win.

It's high stakes. Tie stakes. Me is special. Can we pull two? Yeah, two this way. That's good. That's good. Oh, wow.

I think the chairs have to be closer together. Ed. We're never going to play. This is good? This is dangerous. Okay. Walker. This way.

Walk or we should skip. If you say so. We should skip. We should skip. We should skip. Okay. We'll skip. Nahi

Think about me And I oh Slat me espresso Like me nae Manahee Oh Da-da-de-da-da-d-da Ah

Oh no Eyeba Oh no Halimony Tony Cease to exist Wow so now We take another one away All right

Take another one I'll take this one Okay here we go I think I bruised my arm I'm very tired Okay, clockwise. Nah, yeah. Think about me every night, oh.

Let's up. That's not fair. That's not fair. Boo. Boo. Boo. Oh, come on. Fairling is out.

I may have lost, but the fight is not lost. Joe Biden is still in this. in this. Donate. Text, stop, to unsubscribe. Very tired. Not here. Think about me every night. You're so sad. Think about me, every night oh. Dasami, espresso.

Oh, there he is espresso. Nama, no, e, no. Oh, that's the espresso. Oh, my goodness. Oh, oh. Oh, there he goes. Not a stand. No, it's fun while it fucking lasted.

Pudge has jumped off the stage. It's honestly. I'm not a child. Why are we fucking playing these? I'm out of here, you guys. I'm out of here. All right, Pudge. No.

Sounds like a sore loser. Sir loser. Hey. Saw loser. No, I didn't lose. Hide in looser. Not here. If you saw me every night old,

that's what me is for soul. Dignity, I below. Ah! It's not worth it. It's not worth it! No, it's not worth it. Sabrina Carpenter wins. That's my a dresser.

Winner gets to burn the school down. All right, that's our show, everybody. Carl Tarks Lily Sullivan Mr. Paul F. Tuckins. Scott Ogden Thank you, Salt Lake City. Thank you so much for coming out.

We love you. Heroes