Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Live at The Moore Theater w/ Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, Lisa Gilroy, Will Hines (Totally Todd)

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

This is a bonus, Bonus Bang - part 7 of our Totally Todd series. Live from Seattle, Washington - Scott welcomes to the stage his nephew Todd, inventor Charles Dumpster, medical experiment Peanut Parton and vocal musician Randy Useless!

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another episode of Bonus Bang, where we re-release beloved episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. And this is a very special bonus bonus bang. That's right, we were wrapping up our Totally Todd series featuring Lauren Lapkus as my nephew Todd. And then Lauren surprised everyone by appearing in the Seattle live show that we just did about a week and a half ago. And I said, we gotta put this in the Totally Todd feed.

So this is what this is. This is from a mere week and a half ago, live in Seattle, Washington. This has great people, as well as Todd. We have Paul F. Tompkins, we have Lisa Gilroy, we have Will Hines, perhaps others that I'm forgetting right now, but you'll hear the episode. And if you enjoy this live episode, all of the live episodes that we're doing for this year are available to you if you are a Comedy Bang Bang World Maximus subscriber,

they're all in their own feed of the 2024 Bang Bang Into Your Mouth Tour. You can get that at cbbworld.com. And also, if you wanna come out and see us, we still have some shows in the UK and Ireland starting next week for the next couple of weeks. We're gonna be in Glasgow and Bristol and London and Manchester and Ireland.

And then in October, we are doing some dates on the East Coast. We're doing Montreal, Troy, New York, New Haven, Connecticut, Tarrytown, New York and Red Bank, New Jersey. We're gonna be doing all of those shows as well. The info for all of that is at CBBworld.com slash tour. And if you like what you hear from our archives, you can definitely become a subscriber, either Legacy or Maximus over at CBBworld as well. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. And then next week with a whole brand new theme of these bonus bangs.

Until then though, enjoy this very special bonus bang! Comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, comedy pacman, Alright, okay, alright. Get it all out now. Born in the city, moved to the burbs. Hey Siri, did I put you on Do Not Disturb? It activated. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yes. Thank you to Slack Slab 233 for that catchphrase submission. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, Seattle, Washington.

Oh. So excited to be back here. I believe this is our third or fourth time at this beautiful Moore Theater. Love it here. I have family in the area. This feels like a hometown show for me. They're here tonight. I love it.

My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. So wonderful to see you all out. All out here. Ooh, bad start. Terrible start. To be fair, the green room is up four flights of stairs. And I just ran down here.

Welcome to the show. We have a great show for you tonight. I really think you're going to enjoy it. This is our biggest show of the West Coast So many people here tonight We love it here. Can I ask how how many people here have never even heard an episode don't really know what this is Good no one down here. I appreciate that but some people up there, you don't know what this is. Okay. Let me explain it. Essentially, it's a live podcast taping. Three of the most exciting

words in the English language. I'm the host. I'm going to bring out guests here. These are guests, some of whom I've spoken with before, some of whom I've never spoken with before. Actually, tonight I've spoken with all of them. Come to think of it. But we have not talked about the conversations we're going to have. We have not preplanned these conversations. These are purely extemporaneous conversations we have never had before. We will never have them again. I'm not speaking to any of these people afterwards. It's just lights up straight into the limo for me. So this is just a purely show where we're going to have some fun and we have no idea what's going to happen tonight. Does that sound good? Okay. And we do have a good one for you.

Tonight we have an inventor. Wow. Yeah. We have a medical marvel. And we have a musician. Wow. Out of those three, the one you think would get the biggest reaction, but no, you loved inventor. Incredible. Well before we get to all that though, we do have one piece of business to attend to. Fans of the show know what this is. Of course we're talking about The Balcony Report Seattle. Here we go.

Brr, brr. This is a spontaneous eruption of people chanting brr, which is of course the nickname for the balcony report. The balcony report for those of you who don't know is a part of the show. We like to take time out of the show, especially at the beginning and only at the beginning, to tell the listener at home, because the listeners at home, they're sitting there, they're imagining the show, and they're like, what is the room like? That's the question that haunts them as they're listening to this. They're trying to visualize the room and their mind palaces, and they can't do it without the information of how many balconies are in every venue that we perform in. So

that's what I'm here to do. I'm here to point out how many balconies are in this very room tonight. Yes. It is, of course, the most exciting 15 seconds in podcasting. And I'm not only going to tell you how many balconies are in this room tonight. I'm going to tell you how many balconies we have performed in front of across the entire 2024 tour. That's right. I've been keeping track. Now, we have played 29 shows up to this point. That's right. We have performed in front of 29 balconies.

Pretty even, Steven. We'll see exactly how that changes when I give you the second number, which of course comes after the first number I'm going to give you, which I realize I gave you an extra number right then when I said 29. That's a bonus number. Enjoy that, that's for free. And Seattle, Washington, I am pleased. In fact, I am pleased as punch to announce

the Moore Theater has a whopping two balconies! BR! 32? They're all up there. They're going crazy. They're going crazy. Some people have signs up there that say BR and then 32. What does the 32 stand for?

We didn't count the second one. Ooh. That is embarrassing for you. That's a balcony we already performed in front of. I can't count it twice. Well, this is a good thing because I don't like spoilers when it comes to the BR, so. I'm going to give you this second number, and it's going to be significantly larger than the first number I gave you, by about 29. And the process I'm using for this is I'm going to take the bonus number, 29, I'm going

to add it to the first number that I just gave you, and then I'll come up with the second number, which is going to be lower than 32. All right, here we go, Seattle. This on our 30th show, we have now performed in front of 31 balconies. Yes! You did that! You did that! Be proud, Seattle. Be proud Seattle Be proud

Hey, how's it going what's going on with the four chairs next to you? All right Well guys you ready to start this show this is very very exciting I'm gonna get my phone out. I want to make sure I get this introduction right. I mentioned I have family in the area. My sister lives here. Please welcome her son, my nephew Todd. Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm so freaking excited! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm so freaking excited!

Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm so freaking excited! Oh my god! Oh my god! Hey, Seattle? I'm gonna need a water. Can you roll one out? Hi Uncle Scott.

Hi Todd. How are you doing? I forgot you were gonna be here. What did you think was gonna happen tonight? I was gonna do my show. My stand up. You've been working on stand up. I would love to hear it.

Here we go. All right. Y'all ever, um, y'all ever like when you jizz and it hurts? Because sometimes that happens. Sometimes that just happens. It hurts. Yeah. Yeah. When you're thinking about her too hard. That girl or guy. That's right. Todd, uh...

That's it? Just one joke? No, that was just the start. Oh, that was the start? That was the setup. So perhaps we'll return to it during the show. I could do the rest. The rest? The rest of the bit. Oh the rest of this bit, yeah. Okay, okay, um, so I'm in middle school. So school starts tomorrow.

Oh wait, okay, hold on, let me start over. So I'm in middle school. So school starts tomorrow and I'm really scared. How old? Middle school. But school starts tomorrow and I'm really scared. Forget it, I don't know, I'm nervous. You're too nervous, I understand. Take a sip of water.

Okay, okay, okay. Collect yourself. School starts tomorrow on a Sunday? Yeah. Oh, you must mean Sunday school. Yeah, Sunday school, I start tomorrow. I'm supposed to learn all about Jesus. What do you know about him so far via context clues?

He's long. What do you mean? Wingspan. Oh, okay. He had one of the longest wingspans in Jerusalem. Long wingspans, long legs, long feet. Wiki feet scores off the charts. People fucking love it.

His hair was long and he had a really great belief system that I love. What about the miracles? You know any of the miracles? Some of the miracles he did? Oh yeah, well I mean there were a lot. You know any of the miracles? Some of the miracles he did? Yeah. Oh yeah, well I mean there were a lot. He was an amazing man. He walked barefoot so we could run.

I don't think that's an official miracle. What's your favorite thing that Jesus did for you? Did for me personally? Yeah. I mean... You're always crying about him at night. Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! That's all I hear you doing.

Well, he died for our sins, of course. Yeah, mainly yours. You feel bad about any of those? I'm starting to get worried about you. Really? Why? Todd, by the way, you've been living with me... In a dog crate. Let's just say it's not comfortable.

It's comfortable if you were a dog. You have to admit that. I have to admit that, but I don't want to. You'd love it. I would love it if I was a dog. Well, I'm here to drop you off with my sister because you've been staying with me now for how long? I mean, the last time I heard from you is like 2019 or something. I know I haven't seen you in a while. Your house is so big

I've been up to no good What have you been doing? I had two kids Babies having babies. What that dick do though. My dick works. Get yourself a man who can do both. Yeah, I can do both. Yeah, one can do both. Make him, oh exactly.

I was going to say make him and raise him. I'm a very good father. Oh, are you really? I love to play games and I love to play toys and I love to skateboard and do kickflip ollies in the back in the backyard and show off to my kids. They love it. Are you teaching them how to do any of the skateboard stuff? Yeah, right when they're born, I kind of strap them on

and do a big loop-de-loops. They can kind of get a feel for it. You got to start young. So they're not scared. So they're not scared. What's your biggest fear, uncle? What are you so afraid of? Why do you cry at night? What are you crying about?

No, really! No, really. No, really? What are you so scared of? Heights? No, Heights doesn't really affect me. Heights, Heights, baby. It's more, you know, the impending fear of, you know, the nothingness that comes with death.

Hmm. And spiders. There we go. Yeah. Spiders are scary. They are. Yeah. Especially the furry ones. What? It's like, the ones that have all the fur on it, it's like, guys, take it easy.

Where do you see those? Are they in our house? No, there's none in our house. Okay. Yeah. Because if there was, you'd have to kill them. You're a man now, Todd. No, I'm not.

I don't even have pubes yet. But you have two kids. I jizzed in a jar. Until you get pubes, you can only jizz in jars. Yeah. Those are the house rules. I know. No socks allowed. Yeah.

What do you do with all those jars, by the way? Well, I took the two that you requested down to the sperm donation place. Okay, so you knew I was doing this. You signed the forms. And thank you very much. I love my kids. They're amazing. And the $200 that you got for the donation. I did get $200. Yeah. You're very involved in their lives. I'm so involved. I know it was, I wasn't even supposed to be. I found them. I went, I went knocked on doors until I figured out who looked like me. They had little mustaches.

I have four hairs. Can't you see? Those are new. Wow. Those look great, Todd. They just came in. Oh, really? Like a year ago.

I haven't seen you in so long. I know. It's a big house. You been well? I've been good. Watching lots of TV. Crazy stuff on there. Really? Like what's going on? That guy with all the wives. I want to be like that. The Mormon?

The Mormon? You don't know what the Mormon is? It's a show called The Mormon? It's called The Mormon and My Wives. The Mormon and My Wives? Yeah. So this is a person talking about a different guy who's with his wives? Yeah, he's a Mormon and the other guy's got all the wives. So good. Wow. All the women have different kids and they all live in houses that connect through the underground.

They can go over whenever they want and sleep with their husband. That's the one thing they can do whenever they want. They show that part too. They show that. Really good. I feel like you're watching porn. I don't know. Hmm.

Am I? You'll know it when you see it. Well, I guess I don't know. And believe you me, I see it a lot. You watch a lot of porn? That's what you're doing when you're crying. God, I've been so worried about you for all these years, but not worried enough to talk to you.

I'm doing good. I'm doing good. We have a baby in the house now. Oh yeah, I did hear that. Yeah. Yeah. How's that? You like being a dad?

We can relate about this. Yeah. Yeah. No, that may be the crying you've been hearing is... I don't know. It's after she goes to bed. Oh, okay. Yeah. When you're pounding the wall after she goes to bed. Oh, okay. When you're pouting in the wall.

Oh, okay. Marriage story style. Yeah. But no one's with me. Yeah, I don't know. I'm starting school. I'm so nervous. Yeah. I mean, this is a big time in your life. You're starting middle school. Yeah. What if he likes me? Yeah. How do you make friends?

Well, Todd, you have to just go right up to the biggest kid in school And just punch him right in the face Really? And then everyone will know no, you know not to fuck with you. That works? Yeah Oh god And then you make friends with the Aryan Brotherhood

Okay, I'm taking notes in my mental log. God, are you gonna drop me off again and walk me up and hold my hand? Yeah, if you like. I do like. I'm happy to do it. I want you to be the coolest kid in school, Todd. I appreciate your support. So I'm gonna hold your hand the entire way, pat your little rump as you go up?

See, that's the part I wanted to talk about. I feel like I'm too big for that. Really, Todd? Yeah, you do it every night before bed. You say, we didn't see each other, but I did hit your butt. I'm like a ninja. Yeah, I know, but I feel it when I try to catch you. I never can.

Because you are all black and you slide on the ground and you get your big sticky hand ready. I have the foam finger that I use. Okay, that's what it is. because you were all black and you slide on the ground and you get your big sticky hand ready. I have the foam finger that I use. Okay, that's what it is. I thought it was a sticky hand. I could never see ya. You don't turn the lights on in the house after seven. Is that your religion?

Or is that just something for bills or something? If you don't turn them on after seven, you don't need them before seven, so. Huh? Because it's daylight it's daylight before seven all right anyway daylight savings times coming up you guys oh my god for that extra hour or did it just come I think we may have just spring and fall that's right we're in the middle of summer okay

what would you do if you had what would you do if you had... What would you do if you had one extra hour in your life? You could do anything in the whole world with that hour. So like, what hour would it be in between? Uh, I guess, well the daily savings comes at 2am, but that's not really a good time to do whatever you want in the whole world. Could I get one from like, between 11 a.m. and noon? Yeah, sure.

It's not real. So like, whatever you want can be. Well, I'm just saying, if it's in between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m., I'll just sleep. Oh my God. But if it's like an earlier time, I'll fit some stuff in there. Look at us, two dads just just like getting into it. He said

11 o'clock okay. It's 11 a.m. 11 a.m. Before the clock switches over to noon suddenly goes bing and it goes back to 11. You're time-traveling basically. I'll just redo whatever I did at 11. What are you doing? What were you doing? What do I do at 11? Confess! What were you doing? I'm a very, very busy person, Todd. This is why I don't get to see you. Okay, you're just gonna do more work. Always working, no time to play.

I'm sorry, I'm like an Ebenezer Scrooge, but without the ghosts and all the money. I know. You sleep in a pile of gold coins. You make me bite one every day just to see if they're real. That's why I have no teeth and just these pegs. I want new teeth by the way. I think when I start school and I have these pegs people are gonna have a problem with me. They're gonna wonder why I have these little snaggles. I think you'll be okay.

You think so? Kids aren't as judgmental as they were when I was in school. Really? Yeah, people, you can do anything, you know, and everyone has to accept you. Is that true? Yeah. No one's allowed to bully anyone anymore. All right.

I guess it'll just be me then. Yeah, you're a great kid, Todd. I am great. I'm really excited actually because I feel like this is the year I'm going to get in a real relationship. Really? Yeah. That's so great.

I mean, is there someone at middle school that you like? Mm-hmm. Who? Yeah. That's so great. I mean, is there someone at middle school that you like? Mm-hmm. Who? Well. Dish? Okay. Spill the tea? He's 5'10". Okay. I'm listening. He has a twin who's 5'10". Okay. She's a girl. Okay. They're the parents. What? Their son has a sister. Okay. She's 4'10".

She loves math. Okay. She has a teacher. Okay. He has a teacher. Okay. He's 6'9". He's really smart. Okay.

I hope so. He has a student. Okay. Who's 5'1". Okay. It's a girl. Okay. She sits next to a girl.

Okay. Who's 4'2". Too short. He's a girl. Wait. Yeah? She's a girl. She's a girl. Yeah, she's a girl. She's a girl. She sits next to a guy who's five one.

Okay. They sit behind a girl who's six nine. Just as tall as the teacher. She sits next to a guy who's five 10. Okay. Who sits next to a girl who's four two and that's my love. Wow. Her name's Brenda.

I love her so much. What qualities do you love about her, Todd? All the people she knows. She's a beautiful species, all her own. Long black hair out the door. Little braids and beads and they're just beautiful glasses as thick as the day is long. So you're physically attracted. And her personality's got, I mean her looks are nothing compared to her personality.

Really? I love personality. Really? What's she like? She's got this personality. Her throat's so deep. So... That's what you gotta look for in a woman. Good personality. And her voice is really low and husky. And she says, come here, baby. I love her so much.

Yeah, have you told her? Not in those words. I've used other words. Which words did you use when you tried to express your love? Oh, I'm spilling water all over the dang-on place. That's all right. I'm sorry. Don't worry about it. Okay. Boy, you're really nervous when you talk about her. I get nervous. I start sweating. Yeah.

The only words I've ever said to her are, uh. She runs like the wind. I mean, that's fast for a four-two. So fast. Yeah. The hair gets caught and everything. And then I help her get out and she barely says thank you. No time.

She has a job. Where does she work? Grocery store. She's a clerk. A clerk? Do they still have clerks? She's a clerk at the grocery store. And she's a stock girl. A stock girl and a clerk. Yeah, she does it all. She's a really jack of all trades. God, I want to make her mind so bad. How did you win your wife? Well, it was very similar. She was in high school. That's what I thought. So you know how to talk to high school girls. That's older than my girl. She's in middle school. Don't worry. I wouldn't even try to date a girl that old.

I wouldn't know what to say. Yeah. Well, I mean, you don't have a lot of life experience. You know, we could do is we could role play. I'd love to. What's her name again? Brenda. Brenda.

I'll be Brenda. Okay. And you'll be you, I guess. Great. Or we could switch. That makes more sense. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So you'll be Brenda makes more sense. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, so you'll be Brenda and I'll... Okay. Okay. Thanks Uncle Scott, thanks Uncle Scott, I love you so much! Thanks for patting my little butt on my way in here! You're the coolest. I'm sorry about all that stuff I said about you on stage. You know I love you so much. Hello.

Hey. Hi. Hi. Sup, baby? Throat's deeper than the Grand Canyon. What else is new? What are you typing there? My will.

I'm leaving my backpack to you. And everything in it. What's in the backpack, if I may ask? Condoms. And a set of bed sheets to make a bed wherever we lay. Do you think that's what she would say? Okay, because like I have notes about the stuff you said.

Let's try it the other way, because I feel like you might know what she would say better than I would know what she would say, and I don't know. Okay. Bye, Uncle Scott. I hope you rot in hell for the rest of eternity. Oh, God. Hi, Brenda. Hi. What's up? The sky. That's amazing. Do you want to go to the school dance It's on Friday. Friday what? Friday the 13th. Ooh. Scary.

Are you too scared? I'm so scared of that date. We could just stay at home and watch a scary movie. Really? What kind of movies do you like? Just like anything that's about a killer who's coming to my house. Do you like that kind of movie, Brenda? What's your name again? Todd. I've been sitting behind you for four classes.

Where my hair is? Yeah. Hmm. It's not working. Um. It's not working. Hey Todd. What? Come and read what I just wrote. Okay. It's a letter to you.

I just met a boy named Todd. He's the best boy I ever met. I love him so much and I hope to always marry him forever and ever. Todd, if you're reading this, this is about you and for you. Let's do this. Love Brenda. Rip. Wow. Todd, I love you. Oh my God, I knew it. This is amazing. But you're just my Uncle Scott. I don't care. Let's kiss.

No. I'm not going to fall don't care, let's kiss. No! I'm not gonna fall for that again. Fucking creep. But none of that even happened. It will happen, Todd, if you believe hard enough. It felt so real. It did. God, it felt so real. Did it feel real for you too? That's weird.

I felt like I was back in high school again. You looked like her when you did it. You really looked like her. Like your hair got long, you got small. I could really see you. You really got, you became Brenda. We should do, we should try to do like a Freaky Friday situation.

Let's do it right now. Okay. I go into you, you go into me. I wouldn't describe it that way, but yeah. Um, okay, let's make a wish on that light. Okay, that light right there? Yeah, don't look directly at it, just throw your eyes up there. And on the count of three, make a wish that you were me and I was you.

Okay. Okay, one, two, three. I wish I... you have to say it. I have to say it out loud? Yeah. I was doing it internally. But if I just say I wish I was you and you don't say anything, then we're both you. And that's gonna be a disaster.

Okay. One, two, three. I wish I was you. I wish you were me. Hmm. Hey, what's going on? I'm a husk. What's going on? I'm a husk. Laughter

I'm just a body. Laughter You're just a body without any sort of sentience or any kind of brain in there? I'm just a body with no brain, no sentient. Laughter But you can move

and you're still alive? That's true and I have thoughts, feelings and desires. What are your desires child? I'm actually 49. I desire a relaxation, rest and a vacation. An RRV? RRV. And who are you?

I'm Scott and Todd? You seem to be two people. I'm also Todd. Oh no. He's fighting for his own body. Yeah. Um, it's pretty cool in here. I guess I misjudged him. I don't think it worked. Being old as hell is really cool.

No, I don't think it worked. Someone was off about that. Hmm, guess it didn't work. Guess it didn't work. We tried. Ugh, we did try really, really hard. We tried. Can I sleep in your bed tonight?

Just because you're dropping me back off with my mom and it's my last night with you? I guess so, at the hotel? Yeah, can we watch a movie? Yeah, sure, what do you want to watch? Like the good old days? That would be nice. I mean, we haven't done that. Just made a big tub of popcorn

and drilled a hole in the bottom. In a long time. God, when that butter gets so ooey gooey. But I got a kernel stuck in my peen last time. That's why we had to stop, because I was coming up my butt. That's what happens. You told me to tell that story. That's true. I didn't want to talk about that.

That's the one part we did discuss. I didn't want to talk about that. That was a bad medical moment. Yeah. That would be nice. It would be nice. Just curl up. Under the duvet. Mm-hmm. Turn the air down to 52 just chatters teeth so

cold that'll be good just like the good old days you're gonna miss me a lot I will miss you yeah it's gonna be with me now for 15 years 15 years it's been a long time I should have left you without a dope beat to step two. Step two. We always said that to each other. I know. We always did. That was the pledge we made to each other.

But you know, I'm a dad now. It's like life has changed. Yeah. I have these kids to worry about. Yeah. I have a kid too. I have to go back to school. You have a kid.

It's like things aren't like how they used to be. I know, but you know what? Just for tonight, they can be again. Really? Yeah. We could just forget about those kids. Forget about those. Fuck those kids, as Michael Jordan said.

Michael Jordan? Yeah. What did he say? Fuck them kids. Oh, okay. I thought you were talking about another Michael. No. All right.

You thought I was doing Michael Jackson? I didn't think that. You thought that. We can, instead of watching the movie, let's just put doing Michael Jackson. I didn't think that you thought that we can Instead of watching the movie. Let's just put on Michael Jackson's greatest hits. Yes, we'll sing along and we'll moonwalk beat it Just beat it That's what I'm gonna do tonight Because I'm bad just for tonight it can be like the human nature. Yes, I beat it cuz you're bad

tonight it can be like the old days. It's human nature. Yes, PYT. To beat it, because you're bad. When you think about that PYT, and you can't help but beat it, because you're bad. The way you make me feel. It's human nature. I beat it.

The way it makes me feel, I beat it. Because I'm bad. I'm bad. When you say them like that, gee, Michael Jackson was a weirdo. Sometimes I just look at the man in the mirror, and I beat it, because it's human nature. I'm bad. All right Todd everyone

Who is it who is it Todd can you stick around I can stick around. I got nowhere to be. You want to move over here? I want to sit over here so you can look at your friend. Who's your friend? Well, this is someone I met once before. Okay, so an acquaintance. He's an inventor. Whoa. Have you ever invented anything, Todd? I come up with a few things. Popcorn machine. That one already exists. Would I put the kernel in my... Thirsty? Thirsty much? He's an inventor. What did he invent? What did he invent? Well, I'll tell you because it's in his last name. Oh, tell me. Yeah. Okay, I'm excited. The thing he invented is his last name. Oh, tell me. Yeah. OK, I'm excited.

The thing he invented is his last name. It was named after him. OK. Please welcome to the show Charles Dumpster, everyone. Wow. Charles Dumpster. Wow. Hi, Charles.

Hi, Charles. Yay. Hi Charles. Hi Charles. Hi Charles. Hi Charles. Hi Charles. Hi Charles. Hi Charles. Hi Charles. Hi Charles. Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Piss pigs unite. Piss pigs unite. What's happening?

I don't know. I don't know. Hello Scott, thank you for having me on the show once more. Wow. I haven't seen you in quite a while. That's right having me on the show once more. Wow. I haven't seen you in quite a while. That's right. When was the last time we spoke? It was years ago, I believe. 2016, perhaps?

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. You invented the dumpster?

I did. That's amazing. Hello, young man. Hey. Have you ever thrown trash in a dumpster? Every day. I thank you! All right. Do you get residuals for that?

I do. You get residuals when I throw trash in? Whenever anyone does. Is it residual trash or money? It's residual trash. Oh. Whoa! What a strange thing to do. He's a litter bug.

You must hate that. I do. I tried to throw it in the dumpster. I missed. I don't see one anywhere close to here. Do you think they would appear out of the sky? If you throw it, it will come. No. Not true as it

turns out. Hey, do you stink? No! I smell delicious! Okay. Comment misconception. I smell like ginger snaps. Famously. Wow. Amazing. Here's why I don't stink young man, but that's a very good question. Okay. It's because I originally conceived the dumpster as low cost housing. For people to live in. Yes. The very definition of housing. The idea was it was going to be portable housing. You could link up several dumpsters

and have a dumpster mansion of your own like I have. That sounds great. It's kind of like the Mormons I was talking about, but they made it into a big house instead of a dumpsterster and there's a bunch of houses and they all connect underground. You can go over and have sex with the man anytime you want. What a wonderful story. He told me to tell you about that. Thank you! He whispered in my ear, tell him that one.

Are you two related? That's my uncle. Yes, my sister's boy. You could tell, couldn't you, from our chemistry? I can. And you look almost identical. Yeah, we're twins. But age difference of... Well, what grade are you in?

If I was in a grade, what would I be in? It goes up to 12. I guess you'd be in like 60th? Boo? Finally, they're booing you. I didn't get the math, I'm sorry. No, I think I'd be... I don't care. Okay.

Okay. What do you want to talk about, Charles Dumpster? Well, what do you think I want to talk about? Trash. No. Dumpsters? Yes. All right.

Context clues. Exactly. You're smart, you're a man. I'm starting school tomorrow and I'm scared. Congratulations! Thanks. What grade are you in? I'm going into middle school.

Good. It's good to have a middle. Yeah, it's between the other two. Yes. It's like a sandwich of schools. You have beginning school, middle school, and end school. Yeah. Are you married, sir?

No, I was, but... What happened? She died. Oh no! Yes. Since the last time I saw you? Yes. I was a bachelor for many years. And then I found a lady that, well, we just hit it off.

That's great. It was! Until she died. Wow, I'm sorry. That's all right. Did she die mysteriously or? No. It was unmisteriously. I saw it happen.

Really? Yes. What, you witnessed a death? Yes. What happened? She was christening a ship. Oh, I thought you were gonna say a baby and she fell in. To the baby?

No, to the water. That's one big baby. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. How much water would there need to be? I thought it was a weird way to die. Nobody helped her.

Context closed. Ha ha ha. So christening a ship. Yes, I had made a series of dumpster type ships that I thought would help the US Navy. What does it mean when you christen a ship? Because like I know about christening when like you christen a toilet or like a bowl or like a bed or a Kleenex. Yeah so like what'd she do on it?

Like have sex? No. Okay. The idea was she was going to break a bottle of champagne over the lead dumpster in the fleet. Wow. Why do they do that? It seems wasteful. Hm. And it litters glass onto the ground. Mm-hmm, true.

Hurts the ship. It doesn't really hurt the ship. I'll stop you on that one. How do you know? Did you ever ask the ship if it's all I did I talked to you all the time and it didn't it said I feel fine one of them has ever said they were hurt anecdotal you asked straw man argument I don't think so stalking horse stalking a horse stalking horse stocking a horse stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse. Stalking a horse?

Stalking a horse. Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse. Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse?

Stalking a horse? Stalking a horse? Of course, of course, of course, of course, we all love to stalk the horse. And the horse has to be found. You must go get into the crowd. There you go. Ah, I'm not good at that. That's alright.

Are you doing a horse? Yeah. You know if you stalk a horse too close, you'll get kicked. Ah, that's mules I think. Never mind. I think horses can kick people. But they don't. I don't know. But they don't.

They don't, really. No, a horse will let you know. I could kick you at any time. Do you feel like you know everything? Yes. It's a burden sometimes. You seem like you do. You just have that energy.

I've spent my life consuming knowledge because I want to help people, don't you see? Oh, great. That's why I had the idea for the dumpster. Well, wait, I want to go back because I asked you about your wife and I wanted to... Oh you do want to revisit my wife's death? Not that part. I want to talk about how you met her because I'm trying to get with this girl okay? And I don't know how to talk to her. How do you talk to her? Well we met on the apps

and it was my first time trying the apps. And, uh... Like, which ones? It was a new one for older people called Old Bones. LAUGHTER But there's no O. It's just old B and Z. Oh, I thought there was no old and old. No O and old. No, there's an O and old. There's no old and bones.

Just B and Z, old bins. Old bins. You want us to like thatNZ, old bins. Old bins. You want us to like that. You love old bins. Exactly, well that's why I chose that one. Yeah. And so we matched right away. Whoa.

We had our first date. Where? Behind a restaurant, in a dumpster. Was it clean? Yes, of course it was. I arranged it ahead of time. BYOD. That's exactly right. Beyond.

Did you have a meal? Did you Lady and the Trampet? Yes, we did. Wow. I engineered that as well. We had a plate of spaghetti and I had an Italian waiter singing her song. And I had made sure that the spaghetti was one long strand. That was it? And then we, what do you mean? Just one long strand. That was all on the plate. Well, then you mean? Just one long strand, that was all on the plate? Well then there's no chance

that you won't lady in the trumpet. Exactly. She knew, look, she was on board, come on. She knew what was happening. She knew what was happening. Sure. Do you like to kiss with food in your mouth? I love it!

The more the better! Good. That was a thing we shared in common. Oh. We would eat food and kiss all the time. Thanksgiving was our favorite holiday. I'll eat the turkey. I'll eat the mashed potatoes. We'll mix them together.

I'll eat the turkey. I'll eat the potatoes. Let's make lots of money. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm that. I thought you said that. No, I never said that. It sounded like you said that.

I swear he said that. I never said that in my life. In your life? In my life. Say it right now. I'm not going to be tricked. Nice try though. Love you, young boy.

I'm a stand-up comedian. Are you really? Oh, you want to do some more of your act? Oh yeah, give me a topic. All right. I don't know that stand-up comedy usually works that way. No, that's not what stand-up comedy is. I'm not going to be tricked.

I'm going to be tricked. I'm going to be tricked. I'm going to be tricked. I'm going to be tricked. I'm going to be tricked. Oh you want to do some more of your act? Oh yeah give me a topic. All right. I don't know that stand-up comedy usually works that way. No there's like a guy right now doing crowd work and stuff. Oh Matt Rife? Yeah I'll do that. Okay. Racism. No no no no next one. Misagony. The woke mind virus. Next one. Next one. Domestic violence. Next one. Next one. Antisemitism. Next one.

Next one. Swipe, swipe, next one. Something like lighter. Oh, let's see. The differences between men and women. Perfect, okay. All right, you guys know how men and women are really different?

One of the biggest differences is tits versus dicks and that's one of the things I've noticed Netflix Netflix Netflix Netflix Netflix, I'm gonna have my own special. Yeah. I got a trillion dollar deal. That seems like a lot of money. It's too much, I don't know how to spend it. Especially considering you have to ask people what you should talk about. Hey, that's what they're doing these days.

So now your wife was christening this dumpster. Yes, the lead dumpster of the fleet of dumpsters. She slapped a champagne bottle. What's dubsters. She slapped a champagne bottle. What's that Todd? She slapped a champagne bottle on the, on the... Yeah, yes. Chip. Yes, okay.

And then... Give me two seconds dear. Okay. Give me two seconds honey. Okay. Alright, so. And then she did... Honey, honey, give me two seconds honey.

What? Honey, you're a lovely young boy. And then what? Give me two seconds okay? Right, okay, yeah. Alright, thank you honey. Yeah? Honey, you're a lovely young boy. And then what? Give me two seconds, okay? Right, okay, yeah. All right, thank you, honey. I created these. And so she was like.

Honey? She couldn't believe. Sweetie, Harley. Cause what? Cause what? You're a good boy. Okay. You're a good boy.

Then what happened? I'm trying to talk now. Okay, yeah. I'm trying to talk now. No, I know, I know. Okay, honey, Harley. No, I'm not. Sweetie?

Yes, right. Okay, thank you, Harley. And that's when she did that. Yes, cuz she cuz she did that Cuz she cuz she did that Cuz she did that right cuz she did that right Is he okay? Cuz she did that right Is he okay? Cause she did that, right? Is he okay? Cause she, cause she, is he okay? He's not okay.

Make him move, make him do something. Make him do something. Uncle Scott, how come you sit here? Todd, Todd, Todd. What? I think he's waiting for you to stop talking. Oh no, what do I do now? Let me make a wish. Make a wish on the light.

Three, two, one. I wish they'd come back to life and do a Freaky Friday situation. She was christening the ship. And then she got killed. She got killed. Let me just... There's a sweet little boy. She got killed. Let me just... She got killed. There's a sweet little boy. She got killed. Stop one second.

She got killed. Shut the fuck up. She got killed. Shut the fuck up. She got killed. She crashed in the ship. She got killed. She crashed in the ship.

She got killed. She crashed in the ship. She got killed. I can just tell you what I'm going to say. She got killed. You need to shut the fuck up. Go ahead. Get a hold of your son. Go ahead. Get a hold of your son. Go ahead, go ahead.

Get a hold of your son. I want them to switch back. I wish they would switch back. The idea was these would be shipped for the US Navy. Oh, I smell good. I smell good. I smell like ginger snaps. How would that work? The U.S. Navy has never had this low production of warships.

Isn't that sad? It's very sad. To think our Navy doesn't have enough ships of war. And that's what she... They're out there undefended. Exactly. So I said, how about some seaworthy dumpsters? You could put a bunch of guns in them.

Only takes one guy to sail it. And then he's good. Instead of building a bunch of big ships, why don't you build thousands and thousands of little boats filled with guns? Yeah. This makes sense. Thank you.

So. Then she died. Sorry, I just feel like you weren't like. Todd, he's getting to it. I think he forgot what he was talking about. She swung the bottle of champagne. She said, I christen thee, dubster of the sea. And she swung the bottle of champagne on the rope,

it hit the boat. The glass splintered everywhere. Oh no. And then a drunk driver came onto the pier and killed him. Wow. It was the middle of the day. Yeah. In the ocean.

That's, I mean. Doesn't take place in the ocean, dear. By the ocean. It's next to. I thought there was a boat. No one could see that coming though. You know, you can prepare for almost anything in this life. Don't you know what one person did?

He saw that drug driver from way aways and he confessed to me later. He said, I thought that guy was going to be trouble. That's such a shame. I'm so sorry. Yeah, truck. Yeah Yeah, I mean you met on the apps and then this happened. We had a wonderful time together for the brief amount of time that we were together. That's right, I mean you know comparatively with human history all of our times together are brief. That's what I said to the doctor when he pronounced her dead. And then he said did you want this to happen?

And I said, no, how rude. It's a pretty poetic thing to say right in that moment. I thought so. This doctor did not have the soul of a poet, I suppose. Did you quote my uncle when you said it? Yes, I said, I believe it was Scott Ackerman who said, when you think about it, in the vast experience of human time, all of our time is brief,

or some such words to that effect. That doctor later had his license revoked. Ooh. For what? He was putting Legos in people. Yeah. Were they all part of one set? Yes.

And then his dream was to get them all together. And what would they make? They wouldn't make anything. He would just laugh at them. Oh. Because he would know. He was going to set up a big party with an X-ray machine, and he was going to have everybody go through one by one,

and then put them on a big screen and say, ha ha ha ha ha ha. There's Legos in all of you. And they make this Harry Potter wizarding world. That's a big set. That's a lot. That's a lot. It's a lot of people. It's an expensive set.

Have you priced them lately? Yeah, it's like $3.99. Probably. I'm not allowed to do Legos ever since the last time. What happened? Well, I put them all on the floor right by Uncle Scott's bed, and then he stepped all over them

and fell right into his bed, which broke apart into two pieces. He fell down to the lower level of his house, fell right through into his big cold plunge. He was freezing cold, screaming, crying, drowning. He had to be rescued by the jaws of life because the cold plunge closed on top of him. The doors of it closed?

Mm-hmm. And then when he finally got out, he put all the pieces back together mentally, no pun intended about Legos. He figured out that I did it. I got in trouble for four weeks of punishment. Too bad you didn't get it on video. Yeah, it would have been really funny.

Could have been America's funniest. He almost died. Off-sag it, he did die. Yeah. Oh. I wonder how many people in those videos died like three seconds after it cuts off. Yeah the editor, they do a lot of work on that. It's 75 percent. I've looked. Yeah. And yet we laugh and laugh. Most of the deaths are from being hit in the testicles. It doesn't feel good. It can be fatal. It kills you right away.

Yeah, it kills instantly. Have you ever been hit in the testicles, Todd? No, because I'm alive. Oh! There he goes, up to heaven. His spirit flying away. Come back, come back, Todd, come back. Whoa, that was crazy. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes.

What'd you see? The last 15 minutes. It's all that mattered. Being here with you, Charles. Thank you. You've made a big impression on me. I'm glad to hear that, son. I want to be just like you when I grow up. That's nice to hear. And not anything unlike you.

This is sort of a single white female situation. Head to toe, you, me, that's it. Oh I don't have to kill you with a high heel. Spoiler. So Charles have you invented anything new? Well, I'm working on something. You know, because I intended dumpsters to be affordable housing, I thought, instead of doing this off the ground, let's go up into the sky.

Cloud dumpsters. Well, very close. Ooh. I'm working on a dumpster needle. Ooh. Like the space needle here in Seattle. What's that? What's that? It's this thing, it's down the street.

What is it? I haven't gotten to see it either. He makes me keep the blinds closed. Well, it's long and thin and tall. So I have seen it. Yeah. So I have seen it. Sounds like Jesus actually.

Long and thin and tall. Is the space needle the Jesus of Seattle? Sir, is the space needle the Jesus of Seattle? I just found out what the space needle was. It's a thing down the street. So what is what is your idea? Dumpster needle. Dumpster needle. It's going to be

a sky high dumpster. Wow. And you can live in. It's got a mesh lid. Wow. For ventilation purposes. Sounds beautiful. It is beautiful.

And you can link them. You can link them from one needle to another. How many needles? Thousands and thousands! The idea that they could cover the earth and blot out the sun. Is that something we want? Let's try it! We've spent all this time not blotting out the sun.

Honestly, global warming, it might cure that. They're like a really tall, like this? They're really tall like this! It's one dumpster? No, there's a dumpster on the top. Oh, what's this part? It's like a big tall... It's like a what?

Stop doing that. Yeah. You look like a balloon maker about to come. Well, this is incredible. Thank you! Oh, God. Would they have windows? No.

Would they have walls? Yes. Would the sweat drip down my balls? Probably. Probably. Probably, that's safe to say. Wow. Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet.

Yeah, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. Because I think that it's time we lived in the clouds. We lived up in the sky. Yes. Instead of crawling down here like ants, why don't we soar like birds? So you have to come down to like go to the store, or like, you know, go to work or school? Oh.

You could, you could create slides. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry. I kind of, I didn't factor that in. I... Sorry, sir. It just seemed like a wonderful idea to be up there. It never occurred to me all the other stuff is down here.

I guess you could like just do Zoom. For groceries? Just look at them and think about it. You could invent Zoom for groceries. Okay, how does that work? You're the inventor. You already came up with such good ideas. Just do more. Yeah.

Do an idea to fix that. What have I done? Just created a world where there's a bunch of boxes full of skeletons in the sky. What kind of monster have I become? It's like a reverse cemetery. It is. Well, Charles Dumpster, you can be proud.

You're the inventor of the reverse cemetery. That's cool. That's cool. No one ever thought of it. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I invented the reverse cemetery.

That's right, Charles Dumpster, everyone. Charles Dumpster, everyone. Charles Dumpster. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you hear that? Yeah.

Yes. Oh, it might be the monorail or something. Does the monorail go right above this theater? Yeah. Yeah. Thunder. Thunder. Thunder. Thunder. Thunder.-ba? Tha-ba? Thunder.

Thunder. Oh, is it raining? Yeah. Thunder. Thunder. Thunder. I don't know the rest. All right, well, we have to get to our next guest. I promised everyone a medical marvel.

What? That's right. That's crazy. It's crazy, but I've spoken to this. Don't make promises you can't keep. Well, you're gonna see it right here. I've spoken to this entity a few times. Please welcome to the show Peanut Parton everyone. Wow. Hi. Oh no. Oh my god.

Kill me. Oh no. Oh, it's a soft place to sit for once. Oh god. Oh god. Peanut, is everything okay? No. I'm a star.

Peanut, are you okay? I'm a star. Peanut, are you okay? I'm a star. Peanut, are you okay? I'm a star. Peanut, are you okay? I'm a star.

Peanut, are you okay? Peanut, are you okay? Peanut, are you okay? Peanut, are you okay? Peanut, are you okay? Peanut, are you okay? No, oh, a soft place to sit for once. Oh God, oh Scott. Peanut, is everything okay? No, I'm in pain. So few guests say kill me right away. Well I'll be the first one to mean it Scott, put a bullet in my head. Oh no.

Todd, did you bring the guns? Yeah, for protection. Sure. Yeah. For protection. Sure. Yeah. Well, we need protecting right now. You want me to, is that protecting? I'm in pain. Uh, I don't feel comfortable.

You could do it. Okay, well I'll go up to the green room. Let me tell this little boy my story and then he'll wanna kill my lights out. Okay, okay, yeah, I'd love to hear it. Todd, you've never met Peanut Parton. No, we haven't met. Pleasure to meet your acquaintance.

Have you heard of Dolly Parton? Yeah. Do you think she's a hottie? Do I think she's a honey? Do you think she's a hottie? A hottie, yeah, I mean those big bazongs. Those secret tattoos we all know about. Yeah.

They're not just big bazongs. They're wango jango, hongo slongos. They are, yeah. They're like big mango tangos. They're mango tango double wango, floor to the floor ceiling fango. Yeah. They're like big banana bazungas ready to shoot and kill.

They're zunga zunga double shoot, shoot to kill, titties for will. Yeah, they're like two coconuts times a million and ready to burst with milk. Not just the coconuts, the whole tree, barking up a coconut tree, clanging together, making milk. Wow, they're like two red hot peppers ready to spice up your life.

Peppers on a pizza, two double pizzas, extra cheese, biggest pineapple pepperoni. Yeah, they're like two big deep dish ready to spice up your life. More like Spice Girls, every single Spice Girls, Sporty, Ginger, Extra Baby. Yeah, they are like that. I gotta be alone right now.

And I gotta die. Oh no, okay, wait, so what, yeah, you gotta, what? Yeah, you barely got into your story. What about Dolly Parton? Well, so now you know how perfect she is. She was made in a laboratory by scientists. That makes a lot of sense. But they fucked up a couple times trying to make her,

and I was one of the previous Partons. Oh. That's why I'm all gooey. Yeah, you left quite a trail. Dolly Parton was like the 15th draft or something like that? Oh, it took almost 100 to get to her. 100? Wow.

Angel, angel in red. She's dancing for me. I'm losing my mind, Scott. I need to be shocked. Oh my God. Do you know any Dolly Parton songs? No. Oh my God. Do you know any Dolly Parton songs? No. Oh.

Ha! Anyways, so you can see my body is a mess and I've been hanging on for dear life since the day I was created, but now it's my time to go. Well, I guess that's all I needed to hear. I'll kill you. Thank you, little girl.

Hold on, hold on. Where's our purses? Hold on. Listen, disgusting creature. Isn't there something that you see in life that's worth living for? No. All right, do it.

Okay, I guess I'll do it. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, hold on a second. We're being hasty.

We can't just, first of all, if I kill you, I'm gonna go to jail the rest of my life. And my life is so long ahead of me. I'm just a little thing. You are a sweet little thing. So... Couldn't we give you the gun and you do it? Right here on stage?

I don't know. Can those gooey hands hold onto a gun? No, that's the problem. My skin's inside out. I got only four little pieces of blonde hair, my dimples are so deep they hurt. My butt is my shit, my shit is my butt. My tits are on my asshole.

I piss blood and I blood piss. My heart is my stomach, when my heart beats I fart. Everything hurts. Oh wow. Okay, but I think Mr. Dumpster had a really good point that sometimes when you're really depressed, you have to think about the good things in life, right? Like, I don't know, what's something that makes you happy?

There's so much that's good in the world. There's thunder, the space needle. Have you ever read any of the novels of Dan Brown? The Da Vinci Code? Jinx, toilet jinx, now you can't shit either. Uh oh. Oh, that's gonna be bad for you. I think so, medically. Are you from a dumpster?

Because that's part of the reason why my life is getting worse, from a dumpster. My dear, I'm not from a dumpster. I created the dumpster. Well, I was holding on by thread before, but things are even worse now because I fell asleep beside a dumpster, I created the dumpster. Well, I was holding on by thread before, but things are even worse now because I fell asleep beside a dumpster and it was full of dogs and because my blood is part peanut butter, they came for me.

And now I'm pregnant with a wolf. Oh. No. It's eating me from the inside out. Kids. Pregnant like the wolf. I'm a really good dad. I could raise your child.

I don't think this thing can be born. I don't have a tutu hole. Oh. So it's just going to try to eat its way out? Uh-huh. That's what she said. Oh, she did say it. Yeah.

That's literally what she said. So, anyways, after you kill me, I'd also like you to have a funeral party here. Okay, who do you want invited to your funeral? You, Scott. Really? You were the only one in this whole lifetime that was kind to me. Well, I've been pretty nice. Darling, Martin is coming for me!

She's going bowling with her big old bowling balls. She's dangling her titties on the roof again. I'm scared. She's done this before. It's a scare tactic. Don't give in! But are there any of the other ones that you know, any of the other models that were made

that you're still in touch with? Oh, some of them are out there. Willem Dafoe. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.

Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.

Ha ha. Ha ha. You should reconnect with him and try to be like family. That's something to live for. Sure. He doesn't want to see me. He's the Green Goblin and I'm pregnant with a dog. I can't show up to my high school reunion like this. So you went to high school? Yes.

Did you go with a bunch of other? Yes. Did you go with a bunch of other? Yes. Did you go with a bunch of other? Yes. What was your favorite subject? What was your favorite subject? I guess it must have been English

because I love poetry. That's something they made for me in the Petri dish. A love for singing and in songs like Dolly Parton. Well, this is great. That's something to live for too. I mean, you probably know a lot of really good poems. I don't remember anything now. My brain is all crudded up.

Think, think, creature, think. Uh, uh, uh, uh, two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Gohar? This is beautiful. One was that way. That's right. And the other one, my child, it was Dutter Way. Dutter Way, yes.

And I took the Dutter Way. That's Walt Disney. Yes, it's beautiful. It sounds like it's about you. I mean, you're kind of like marching to the beat of your own drum. I hope you play drums at my funeral. Oh, I will.

You want that? I mean, do you want me to play drums? You give the speech, you sing the song. You can do whatever you want to the casket. Oh, thank you. Does everybody like their jobs? I do. Yeah, I their jobs? I do. Yeah, I feel like I've gotten to know you so well,

I could definitely make a really good eulogy. Of course I'll sing the song. Yeah. What do you want sung at your funeral? A song about my life, but sang to the tune of nine to five. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I'm not as... I'm not as boobed. I'm just a little one and I've never had a real job. Okay, you're getting the singing job. Okay. What do I do? Alright.

You still make the speech. Okay, I'm really... And you can do whatever you want to the cast. I may have fucked up intentionally. You're bad. You're bad. Do you want to try? Sure. But this one's got more of a Jolene vibe to it. But still starts with stumbled out the lab. No.

Thank you. It starts with peanuts. Peanuts. You know it. Yeah. Oh, it's a peanut plural? Huh? Your name is Peanuts or Peanut? Peanuts, pardon.

But the song can say peanuts plural. I'm peanut-ing for two. You can sing it about Peanut and the dog, bitch baby, if you want. Alright, here we go. Peanut, Peanut, Peanut, Peanut. She died when a wolf tore out of her abdomen. Peanut, Peanut, Peanut, Peanut. Please think of her disgustingness now and then. Peanuts, peanuts, peanuts, peanuts.

Please think of her disgustingness now and then. That was good. That was perfect. That was really good. Now there's also the matter of my will. Who would like to be the undertaker of my will? I can handle it. Okay. I just handle it. Okay. I just read it and stuff?

Did you leave anything to the three of us? Oh, am I in there? Oh my God, I hope so. I don't suppose there's anything in that will of yours for me. I don't own much, but you can have my 16 marbles. Dang, I wanted those. You can have my Sabrina the Teenage Witch CD.

That's good. And you can have my $650 million. What? What? It's the craziest thing. I turned up to Chase Bank and it turned out my fingerprint is the exact same as Dolly Parton's. Whoa.

So I got all her money. Including Dollywoodon's. Whoa. So I got all her money. Including Dollywood? Huh? You've never been to Dollywood? No, I'm afraid of that place. They'll kill me, but I wanna die. What a conundrum. If Dolly Parton ever sees me out there, she'll kill me because she doesn't want everyone to know she was made in a laboratory.

Right. Oh, yeah. So that's why she's on the roof right now. Dangling her titties and thundering up the dome. Wow. She hates my guts. What's Dollywood like? Are there rides? Yes. All the kids all jumping on the big old titty trampoline? Yes. It's like two big loop-de-loops.

You've been there a lot, huh? He goes there every summer. Ooh. It's kind of his thing. But on cold days, do they serve warm milk? From the titties? What's it like? I've never been, I'm asking what it's like. On a cold day, they serve warm milk.

Yeah, you drink it out of a titty bottle. Everything in the park is a bosom. A functional bosom that can serve milk of any temperature. Yeah, they could do cold if it's a hot day. Is this too much for you? Where am I? Peanut, peanut, come back to us. You're here on Comedy Bang Bang.

The dog is biting me from the inside. Oh no, are you losing a lot of blood? Yeah, the older I get, my blood used to be smooth peanut butter, but it's turning into crunchy peanut butter. So if you slide over into a vein, just a few dusty peanuts will fall out. Well, I'm kinda hungry. Why wouldn't we do that? I was gonna say I'm hungry.

Can we do it? Sure. Okay. Oh, hearing about dusty peanuts may be hungry. Not you! Not with your Coke nail. Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Pshh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh, it's like a vending machine. Oh, wait, wait!

Do you want it salted? Mmm. Perfect. That's really good. Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't have to die. How old are those? What was the turnaround exactly?

I saw for a moment that maybe me and this little boy could open up a peanut factory together. That could be something. I mean, my uncle's kind of pawning me off back to my mom. I kind of want to escape and go do something cool. You want to stay with me for a little while in the alley outside of the New York apartment of famous actor Willem Dafoe? Yeah, I bet he throws out really good stuff.

He does. That's where I got the Sabrina the Teenage Witch CD. Is it just like audio from the show? It's the music from the show. Oh. The Spice Girls have an unreleased track on it. Really? And that's true.

Yeah. Do you know it? Yes. How does it go? London town is walking. Do you know it? Yes. How does it go? London town is walking, you know what's really talking now. Why wouldn't that be a single? That's what I'm saying, somebody fucking kill me!

No, I think this is great. You start a Willy Wonka style peanut factory. This could be really exciting for me. Yeah. So I could be like the Willy Wonka and you could be the Oompa Loompa. I don't know these references. I'm blind.

You're blind? You make really good eye contact. I told you I was born inside out, so everything that's supposed to be on the outside is on the inside. I have eyes but they're looking into my brain. Oh. My dolly's back and you're gonna get in trouble.

Boing boing. Slap boing. Boing boing. She's mad. She's mad. And when it rains she grows big. Really big. Like a giant. And she'll gobble us all up if we're not careful. You know the movie Honey I Shrunk the Kids?

Yeah. It's like that but opposite. And when it rains and if it's Dolly Parton. Oh so it's like Honey I Blew Up the Kid. That's the one I was thinking of. What is Dolly Parton? And it rains. and it rains. Yeah It never rains in that movie

Do you think it rains in every movie? I don't know someone should be keeping track Which movies have rain or which don't it's hard to see a website does this movie have rain? Yeah, so you know if you want to go or not Or they could tell you like the timestamp of when the rain is, so you can watch that part. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. You've never seen a movie, I know.

No. Oh, they're so good. Movies are so good. OK. It's like the best thing to do to relax. It's amazing. OK. You'll never know.

Did you ever consult a doctor to have your eyeballs turned the right way? What about the rest of your problems? I thought we'd start with the eyes. Okay. Well, the scientists who made me don't give a care about me anymore. They said I'm too far gone.

I'm sorry. They were your only parental figures, right? That's right, they were my only friends. I'm sorry. They were your only parental figures, right? That's right. They were my only friends. I'm so sorry. And now Scott, you're my only friend, so if I wanna bequeath you this $600 million, you're gonna have to come with me to Chase Bank.

You ever been to Chase Bank? Sure, once or twice. You ever been to the fingerprint part? I've never reached that part. Oh, that's because that's where the rich people go. Oh. Yeah. You must admit you had that coming.

I guess so. Yeah, I've been listening to a lot of Triumph the Incest Comics Dog. The Incest Comic Dog? Triumph the Incest Comics Dog. The Incest Comic Dog? Triumph the Incest Comic Dog. Yeah. So I'm learning to do burns. Oh.

And you ain't rich. Well, try to burn me. I'm just a middle school kid with high hopes and lots of ambition and I'm starting school tomorrow. And a regular man's dick. Regular man's dick. Well, because you don't know that one time I made a wish on a machine to become big

and then when it went back to normal, my dick stayed big, so. It's kind of a curse. I've never wished harder for a hole to put that, but I haven't got anything. My body has no holes really and everything that's ever gone into it is still in it. Whoa. Every food I've ever eaten, ugh, I'm crampy.

That must hurt. It does hurt. But my dimples are deep enough that maybe you could have a little fun with them. I don't know. I'd have to get permission. Oh, please, Uncle Scott. No, no. Everybody's saying please.

Please, Uncle Scott. You're too young, Todd. Thank you. I was scared. I know, yeah, I could tell. Okay. What are you guys saying over there? I'm deaf.

What? You haven't heard anything we've been saying? You make a lot of sense. I just walk wherever I'm walking and I say what I'm going to say. It's actually kind of not surprising. I'm glad it's been working out. Well, tell you what, can you stick around and we'll kill you at the end of the show? I'll stick to everything, Scott.

I'm sticking to this chair right now. I'll stick around forever. And you didn't hear what I just said. You just said that. All right, Peanut Parton, everyone. Peanut Parton. Who's next, uncle? Who's next? Well Well we have one final guest on the show. Who could it be? I feel like we're building this up too much. I'm getting with excitement. Let's just say there's

a reason I've been bringing up Willem Dafoe. No. Willem's not here. We have a musician. Do you like music, Peanut? What? He's been on the show before. Please welcome back to the show Randy Useless, everyone. Randy Useless. Oh, yes. Hi.

Oh, good. How are you? Nice to meet you. Hi. Hi, my name's Todd. Todd, nice to meet you. Hi, Randy. Hi, Randy.

Hi, Randy. Hi, Randy. Hi, Randy meet you. Hi. Hi, my name's Todd. Todd, nice to meet you. Hi Randy. Hi Randy. Hello. I don't think you're, I think you were building it up the exact right amount. Me, a high energy, dynamic vocal musician here to round out the end of the show. Wow. You better buckle up. You better buckle the fuck up. Oh my God. Randy, it's great to see you again.

Hey, it's good to see you. This is my nephew Todd. Hey, what's up? Nice to meet you. It's great to meet you, a musician. Wow. What's it like to live your dream? It's great.

Thanks for asking. It's great. Not just a musician though, Todd, I'm a vocal musician. Oh, so you sing. Not exactly. Okay. I'm a vocal musician. I intonate spoken word phrases

in select moments of songs. So you're like a throat singer. No. You intonate. No, no, I mean, I do use my throat, but no, it's a normal voice. I speak words. Okay. Like a didgeridoo?

No, not like a didgeridoo. Great guess. Could you speak them faster? I could, I could. I could. Are you like one of those things where like you just run your hand over it I could, I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could.

I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could.

I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could.

I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. I could. You're like a theremin. Nope, no, I just use my regular voice. Kazoo! Not a kazoo.

Just use my voice. You kind of do like a weird thing where you take like a bottle of water and it looks like you're drinking within your puppet talks. Mm-hmm. Nope. It's ventriloquism. You're thinking of ventriloquism. Oh, I am thinking of that. And I love it. That metal sproing sproing-y thing you put in your mouth. And it goes, bow bow bow bow bow.

That's a mouth harp. Yes. That's the more polite way. I know the other term and I sidestepped it. Thank you. And by the way, Scott, I am talking fast. This is as fast as I talk. Whoa.

I appreciate that. I amped it up. I just had to say, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom.

I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the way Scott I am talking fast this is as fast as I talk. Whoa. I appreciate that. I amped it up I just had six cups of coffee that's why I'm bouncing off the wall. You say you looked it up? I looked it up. Six cups of coffee? You wrote it down in your diary and then you went back and checked. Yep I wrote down six cups of coffee I looked it up. You wrote it down in your diary, and then you went back and checked. Yep, I wrote down six cups of coffee. I looked it up, and that's all the inspiration I needed. You're gonna have to go to the bathroom soon, sir.

Here's hoping. I had six cups of coffee a few years ago, and they're still rolling around in my belly, so apologies if it smells like spilled milk over here. It does smell like spilled milk. That's coming up from my insides. I've had one cup of coffee in my entire life. Do you know? Oh yes. I could clear things up I think by citing perhaps my most famous performance. Yes, I of course know this because we've spoken

before but. Yes, you of course know this and you didn't have to be reminded at all. I, there's a song by En Vogue called Never Gonna Get It. Yeah. And fans of the song are here tonight. Fans of the song are faint and scattered, but they are here. But they love it. It's a classic, classic song. It's a classic song. Never Gonna Get It, Never Gonna Get It, Never Gonna Get It, Never Gonna Get It. Played on the radio. It's like that, yeah Never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Played on the radio. It's like that, yeah. Played on televisions, played in school dancing.

About three fifths of the way through that song, I come in and I say, and now it's time for a breakdown. Oh, you don't sing the never gonna get it, never gonna get it. No, that part is. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. And now it's time for a breakdown. And we talked about this before. You weren't meant to be on the track, right? No, I was selling life insurance to the record engineers. I'm a vice president of actuarial statistics for Aetna. And I was trying to sell life insurance

and they said, how much is this gonna cost? And I said, now it's time for a breakdown. This was about the numbers and breaking out the rates and policy premiums and the annuities but the record button was pressed. Little I didn't know anything about it. Who pressed the record button? I did. Months later I was walking down the streets of Hartford Connecticut outside my insurance company's office. Why were you walking that day?

Was it a warm day? It was a warm day. I guess it wasn't the most purposeful walk. Do you usually drive? I usually go for a trot. But it's a particularly warm day, so I slowed it down to a walk. Wow, I could really picture that.

Thank you. Well, I'm an artist. You have a way with words. Thank you. What if we gave you a song and you made that part that you do so well in the middle of the song we made? I think that'd be great. All right. You wanna start us off?

Yeah, okay. But you can't repeat, now it's time for a breakdown. It's gotta be a brand new phrase. Oh yeah, you can't say the same one. No, that would be stupid. But it wasn't what I was thinking. I'll definitely do something new. It also it has to be about insurance. Of course. But the song doesn't have to be. No, no, the song can be about whatever you want. The phrase has to be about insurance, but in a way that could be construed as something else. Okay. Any other rules you want to throw out here before we get started, or? You have the easy part.

I agree. I know, I have to think of a whole song right now. I'm not complaining. All I have to do is a spoken word part, nothing like the one thing I've done in a way that's about insurance, but also relevant to whatever the fuck you guys do. Okay. Let's do it.

If I could fly I would fly so high I would nearly touch the sky And slap the face of God A term can be in four units or three Okay. Interesting. And then everyone in the club goes crazy. And then generally in my experience three or four people go never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a hit. That's a hit. Really good. You know what? It is like a didgeridoo. I apologize. I apologize. I can't get it out of my head. That tune was so good. It's so catchy. Anyways, so... Yeah, oh, you're doing your own anyways? I'm sorry, is that your area? No, that was really good. You're the host. You're, I apologize. No, no, no, no. Hey anyways? I'm sorry, is that your area? No, that was really good.

You're the host, you're, I apologize. No, no, no, no. I shouldn't be doing the anyways. No, no, no, anyways. No, no, no, I insist, you anyways. Anyways, what are you up to now? Nothing. Are there any other songs that you've intoned over?

I have, I have, none as famous as that. On Give Me More, I have. None as famous as that. Give me more. I said it's Britney, bitch. You said it's Britney, bitch, not Britney? Yes, again, I didn't know I was being recorded. What were you referring to? I was talking about an Englishman's knees and his pants, and I said, it's a Britney's, bitch.

But I also hit the record button, and that went out on the song. What are you hitting the button on? I sell a lot of insurance to recording engineers and I insist on meeting them during work. Oh, is that your insistence? At my insistence, I'm like, I'll sell you insurance. 80% off if I can come in while you're recording a song.

80%, that's too much. I'm in trouble at my office. Are you in a relationship? What a diplomatic way to say you were bored. Yes. I'm not bored. Oh yeah. I kind of have a one track mind. I'm going back to school tomorrow and the girl I like is going to be there and I'm just

like, I don't even know how to talk to girls and I'm just so curious. We tried to role play how to talk to girls. But you're so cool. You're a musician. I'm a musician. For me, it's easy. But I sympathize. Yeah, I guess musicians just get it all.

They don't even have to try. Don't even have to try. What's your body count? That's sick. Awesome. You have Riz. Yeah, that was a lot of Riz. What's my body count? And you're saying how many people with whom I have had intercourse of a sexual nature? Yeah. That's what you're asking? That's what I'm asking.

You're asking me to tell you to quantify my sexual history in a number? To tabulate. I see. Mm-hmm. My number is two. And they were both easy peasy. Were they both alive? Yes.

What? It says body count. It sounds like something different. It does sound like something different. No, these women were alive. Oh, good. Before and after. Yes.

Before and after. Yes. Well, I mean, one of them is dead now, but not because of that. Are you sure? Are you sure she wasn't dead before as well? I guess I didn't like super check. I mean, she was talking and like moving around. So I was like, she's alive.

Okay, this is getting weird. And then we had intercourse and some time later she was dead. Not because of that. Why? One of the two women has passed. She wasn't hit by a drunk driver at a boat christening. Hey! What are you insinuating?

I mean, stranger things have happened. Stranger things have happened. On Netflix. Streaming now. We're sponsored by Stranger Things. Sorry, everyone. Only Stranger Things. What's Eleven doing? How did this woman die?

I demand to know. I'm taking my glove off, sir. You're taking your glove off? Yes. That means you mean business? That's right. If I don't like what I hear, I'm gonna slap you across the face with my glove. She died of a piano. Oh, good for her.

It fell on her? Nope. She fell in it? Yep. She fell on the piano. From like a great height? Nope. From a small height? She went a lateral leap into a the piano. From like a great height? Nope. From a small height? She went a lateral leap into a grand piano.

Wow. She jumped in? She just did, yep. She was singing and as a big finale she went whoop right into the grand piano. Terrible. Then she knocked the little leg off and it closed and she got piano string garadded into about 88 pieces. Oh, 88 pieces. 88 pieces?

It's like Ghost Ship. I guess 87. Or 89. Is it 89? It's 88. There's 88 strings. Oh, how many pieces? 88 strings. The pieces would be 87 or 89.

She jumped in and immediately went lengthwise, so she covered all the strings. The top closed. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr No. The sex was far in the past of that. Hours before. But you still knew her. Hours? Yes. This is the night you had sex with her? And then she was singing and she did a vertical horizontal leap street into a piano?

That's right. She sang a song I assumed to celebrate our relationship. What was the song? Captain Jack by Billy Joel. Did you add in your special flair? I did. It was unnoticed by the room. Okay, I feel like that's not the takeaway from that moment. Oh, everyone watched a woman die like that and you're like, no one heard my thing? You asked him. Well, yeah, I'm just saying. I didn't know she was dead, so I said my thing.

She jumped in the piano and unbeknownst to me was sliced into 89 pieces. And then I was like, oh great, nobody noticed that I said anything. And then somebody opened up the piano and was like, this woman has been horrifically sliced. But what did you say? Yeah.

I said, and nobody heard me say my thing? That's the thing that you said in the song? What was your thing? I said, and now it's time for a breakdown. You said that again? You reused your old material? Yes, have you never done that? No.

I don't know, I mean, I could think of a couple insurance things you could say. I don't know anything about insurance, but like, you know, claims. Tell us all about insurance. If Captain Jack is going to get you high tonight, take you to his special island, there must be some insurance concerns. Sure, there's the flight insurance, there's a drug overdose risk as outlined in the song. It's all about drug overdose.

No, I know what it's about. Yeah. I lived it. We've never talked about this, Charles. And we're not gonna talk about it now. Okay. Well, what if we did? I refuse. But just a little? It's a very private part of my life, except for telling people about it now. Okay. Well, what if we did? I refuse.

But just a little? It's a very private part of my life except for telling people that it happened. Okay. I wanna know about insurance. I think you're right. I should have said something different but I went back to my old standby.

That's okay. You know, I was in the bliss of love. We had made love minutes before. Minutes now? This is getting closer and closer to the actual it was before the point is is that the sexual act was unrelated to the death did she kill herself because of having sex with you absolutely not absolutely not are you sure I'm absolutely I get because I remember her last moment she was like

Captain Jack will get me high tonight get me out of this existence and then she jumped horizontally into a piano and with her foot kicked the thing. And I was like, that's a woman having a good time. I feel the same way baby and now it's time for a breakdown. Nobody noticed. There were other people there. Yeah this was at a piano bar. Did you have sex in front of them? Not in front of them, Scott. That's gross. Behind them? Behind them.

We had sex at the back of the piano bar. Nobody noticed because two different, two guys were having a duel of, don't let the sun go down on me. A piano duel. There was two grand pianos. Oh, I thought it was like a fencing duel. There was also a fencing duel. There was two grand pianos. Oh, I thought it was like a fencing duel. There was also a fencing duel. Unrelated. Who won each duel? What were their names and birthdays? Let's see. Don't let the sun go down on me. Duel was Mark Haber, born April 1st, 1972. Kathy Gale was on the other piano born November 5th 2005. She was a seven

year old girl. She's a prodigy. It was excellent. It was a long time ago. They were dueling it out both playing Don't Let the Sun Go Down on my piano. Behind me was two fencers sir Chauncey Hendricks born January 10th 1939 whoa whoa and Powell Lightman born December 1st 2020 so he hadn't been born yet this is 2012 he wasn't born yet and who won the, the sperm in the test tube won because Chauncey died. Oh, he died too at the same time? Yep. So it's a forfeit. He had natural causes, he had a heart attack during the duel. But everyone was... And it was a forfeit, that's right, it's declared a tie. If either person in a fencing mess has a heart attack, that's a tie.

But like two people died within two seconds of each other for different reasons in the same room. That's correct. Right after, seconds after I had sex with this woman. Did you have sex with him too? No, I didn't have, not that night. I mean, not ever really. Sir Chauncey is the other, you're number one. He's my number one and then Linda was my number two.

So they both died. I guess that's right. They're both dead. The same night. So they both died? I guess that's right, they're both dead. The same night. So body count kind of did make sense. Body count has two meanings in my life. Peanut, you've done it again. Can't see, can't see, can't hear.

What's been going on? Catch me up. Someone write it down in a note and slide it across the floor and then someone else read it to me never mind God what a day That'll happen today No, just me realizing that my sex caused the death of two different people Oh, this is 12 years ago Did you go to their funerals because I'm trying to plan a funeral of my own. So if you have any tips and tricks, let me know. Tips and

tricks for a funeral? Yeah, you seem like the guy. Twix and chips and burgers and fries. Yum, I'm hungry. Better serve me, I'm waiting in line. Did you say mimosa? Did you say mimosa? Did I say mimosa? You said the most stuff. I'm just trying to get in here. Okay. Um. This is an unfortunate life you've had. You haven't had sex in 12 years. You should never do it again.

No, I haven't had sex in 12 years. Hmm. And you're just realizing it now? Time got away from me. I didn't realize it had been that long. Well, you know, the years of COVID, that's a wash. They don't really count really.

So it only feels like 10 years. Not 12. You should go to the doctor and see if there's something wrong with your milk cream. Because you know how Spider-Man, he goes like this, and he makes a web ghost shooting? Maybe when that stuff comes out of your dick, it sends a woman to kill herself in the piano.

So if you get it checked and see if that's gonna happen more than once, I would say don't do the act again. I still don't think it was my milk cream shooting out of my dick that made her jump into the piano. I don't think that's fair to say. How do you know? I guess I don't know 100% for sure because she immediately got,

I mean she got sliced into 89 pieces. There wasn't like a huge post-mortem interview. We had sex, 10 seconds later she's at the piano. 10 seconds later. She was singing a song. We finished, she's like, I gotta go. She ran to the piano, started singing Captain Jack, two lines in, a perfectly horizontal leap

into the grand piano, and then got cheese grated by the strings. They should make those piano lids lighter. So who's to say what caused it? Yeah. They really should. Cause that would have solved everything. Right? It would have bounced right off

and it would have been a lighthearted moment. Would have been fun. Instead, it was an oak lid that caused the death of one of my two great loves. I'm sorry I brought it up. Yeah, I know. I really wasn't expecting to talk about it. That's how conversation goes though.

You never know where it's going to go. Anything could happen. That is wise as fuck. My uncle said that. I'm quoting him. Say it again? You never know where conversation is going to go. You say it again.

You never know what conversation, that's the way it is with conversation. You never know where it's going to go. It just, and then. And that's like what my uncle said. Okay, right. Yeah. You never know because anything could happen because it's kind of what it is. It's like you think you're talking about one thing and then someone says something back

and suddenly you have to say something back and it's almost like we got to talk about this other thing now right? Yeah. Charles Dumpster experienced that. I've experienced it several times. Well anyway. No. Did you get a text? No. Alright just checking. Did you get a text? No. Alright, just checking. Did you get a text? No, I'm just looking up his name. Randy Useless.

So Randy. How could you forget a name like that? Randy, we're closing in on the end of the show. Appreciate the heads up. How much more we got? Seventy-five, eighty minutes? What do you mean by closing in? I think we should do another song

that he can do in one of his special choruses. That would be great. All right, I'll really try to end strong on this. And then we'll, at the end, we'll kill Peanut Parton. Oh, goody! You wanna start it? Yes! I'd say I'd help to kill her,

but the only way I know is to have sex with somebody. I think somebody else should do the honors of killing her. Okay. I mean, at last, Peanut. Oh, sure, I'd love to be sperm shot into a piano and sliced to oblivion. Well, there's no piano here, so we'll have to think of a... Well, make do. Here we go, here's a special song...

for Randy Useless to eject a little bit of his famous spoken word into. Thank you, Charles. Do you prefer a ballad or something up tempo? I want a mid-tempo love song about, that incorporates, that talks about AI. Mid-tempo love song talks about AI. All right, here we go. I'm greasy, I'm sleazy, I'm covered in snot. I really wanna have sex with a robot. I'm greasy, I'm sleazy, I'm covered in snot. I really wanna have sex with a robot. I'm greasy, I'm sleazy, I'm covered in snot.

I really wanna have sex with a robot. I'm greasy, I'm sleazy, I'm covered in snot. I really wanna have sex with a robot. over here and sit on my knee. Take it. I'm greasy, I'm sleazy, I'm covered in snot. I really wanna have sex with a robot. AI, please take me away cause I'm peanut parton and I'm down to play. I love you AI, you are my favorite pal. When I look at your name, I sometimes think it says Al.

Oh, wow. Wow. I love you. I love you. This is where it slows down. I love you so much, I can't wait to hold you. I'll do anything to make you love me back. I'm sorry. I didn't get that.

That's our show, everyone. Will Hines everybody. Lisa Gilroy. Mr. Paul F. Tompkins. Lauren Lopkins. Scott Thank you, Seattle. You're our favorite. We love you. So make me fight back! So make me fight back!