Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Live from Salt Lake City 2024 - Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Carl Tart, Ryan Gaul (More-imony Tony)

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

This is episode 5 in our "More-imony Tony" series, originally released on CBB World on July 23rd, 2024. Live from Salt Lake City, Utah - Scott welcomes to the stage Alimony Tony, pop star Sabrina Carpenter, Fairleigh Longfellow, and Pudge. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and I welcome you indeed to another bonus bang. Bonus bangs, of course, are episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we have previously recorded, although every single episode you hear is previously recorded. We don't do them live necessarily, unless you see us live.

I'm getting way in the weeds on this. Anyway, these are old episodes that are out from behind the paywall, and we're in the middle, in fact, the fifth episode of our Morimoni Tony series featuring the wonderful yet unlucky-in-love character Alimony Tony. And this week we are releasing an episode from last year's tour. That's right, the 2024 tour that we just did. This is an episode that previously lived behind the CBB World Paywall, and now you can hear it.

It's called 2024 Tour Salt Lake City. What an evocative title. Now, this features, of course, Alamoni Tony played by Paul F. Tompkins. One interesting fact regarding the 43 episodes of the 2024 Tour is Paul F. Tompkins did not repeat characters in the entire tour. So this is the only Alamoni Tony episode

that we did last year. And we have him, we have Lily Sullivan as Sabrina Carpenter, we have Carl Tartt as Farley Longfellow and Ryan Gall as Pudge. Now, if you're enjoying this series and you wanna hear the entire CBB archive, which also includes, by the way, the other 42 shows in this live tour that we did last year, as well as every single live episode

we've ever done over the past 15 years, and every studio episode we've ever done. You can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, Big City, how are we this evening? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What a weird ass room. Yeah! Yeah! It's my first time seeing it. Yeah!

Yeah! Ooh, can we get more on the monitors? Yeah! Immediate! Yeah! Immediate more on the monitors. Ooh, that we get more on the monitors? Immediate! Immediate more on the monitors. Ooh, that feels better, that feels better. Might wanna pump it up a little more.

Hey, Salt Lake City, so good. Oh, wait. I know you wanted to clap for that, but we have business to attend to. Hello, sir. Proudly walking in front of everyone. I guess there's no other way to get there, right? If that's the great Salt Lake,

I'd hate to smell a decent one. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to J-Man the Great, J-Man the Great for that catchphrase submission. Let's pump up those monitors even more. What do you say? Yeah, let's get it nice and clear. Mr. Stussy. I didn't know Stussy still made shirts, I love it. Is it Stussy or Stussy? How do you pronounce that?

All right, anyway. Hi everyone, great to see you. My name is Scott Aukerman, thank you so much for coming. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Never been to Salt Lake City before.

Yeah, kind of a weird town. All of the streets have this construction going on in the... I've only been to this one street. Utah's weird. Okay, you can take it down a little bit because we're feeding back. Pleasure to be here. Never, have I done a show in Utah? Oh yeah, we did some shows at Sundance. Those were really strange. This is gonna be so much better. People actually know what they're seeing here. But look at this stage, how far back it

goes. If I moved everyone back, all the way to the back, would you guys like that? No? Now I really can't hear the monitors. Oh God, this was a mistake. Guys, I have to ask you, who here has never even heard an episode of Comedy Bang Bang at this point. Anyone?

You sir, in the teal. You're looking around like is this teal? I think it's teal. Am I wearing teal? Is it teal sir? What would you characterize that color as? Yes, I'm talking to you. Stop looking at your shirt. Ha ha ha. Blue? Blue? Ha ha ha. Uh-huh.

That's teal, my man. Ha ha ha. What? Ha ha ha. I thought you said, no, ma'am. See, it's hard enough to hear the monitors. I'm not going to be able to hear you, but, um... What? I thought you said, no ma'am. See, it's hard enough to hear the monitors. I'm not gonna be able to hear you, but. Okay, well, let me just tell everyone

what they're in for here tonight. Thank you very much for coming. If you have no idea why are you here, I'm assuming that someone brought you, although you look to be alone. Seems like you bought a chair for your beer? Like Bono with his hat on an airplane? Let me tell you exactly what we're going to do here tonight.

This is sort of like a talk show. It's a live podcast recording. People are listening to this right now. Not right now for you, but when they're listening to it, they are listening to this right now. Not right now for you, but when they're listening to it, they are listening to it right now. And it's sort of like a talk show. I'm the host of the talk show. I'm gonna bring people out here, guests for the talk show. These are going to be conversations that we have not discussed beforehand, conversations that have never happened before. Unless Allie Peterson drops by, we may get into some of the

some of the stuff we've talked about before. But we have not discussed anything. I merely know who's coming out here. Some people I've never even met before. So just kind of a talk show and a relaxed conversation. That about covers it, right? What do you think, sir? Does that sound interesting to you?

I'm getting a high thumbs up. I love it, not even the Bill Clinton half a thumb close to the body, he's giving it full on arms length. I love it. We have a great show for you. Let me see who's coming out here. A little later we have a, we have a businessman. Not even a small businessman.

We have a pop star, okay. A political strategist. Yeah, so that's a really interesting show. But before we get to that, let me be honest with you, I'm just wasting time until these people find their seats. Lots of conversation. How are you? How's it going?

Nice to see you. Thank you so much for coming. Can I help at all? I'm guessing in this area. Before we do that we have one very important piece of oh no you're just leaving. I know that's alright thank you I understand it's not for you. No you're on the other side yes okay very good. Before we get to all this we have a very important piece of business to attend to, and that, of course, is a little something

that we call The Balcony Report. (*audience cheers*) Fans of the show know what I'm talking about. Mr. Teal, beer seats, perhaps does not know. That's a big thumbs down, as big as the thumbs up was. You're a man of passion. The balcony report, let me explain what this is. This started approximately 10 years ago.

And it is a way for not only the audience here in the complex, is that what this place is called? Okay. Not only for the people in the complex here to know how many balconies are in the actual place in which we're performing, but for the people at home to kind of get a mental picture in their mind palaces so that they can really envision and really imagine that they're here listening to us. And we started this ten years ago, it was such a success. And people all over the country were like, can you come to our

city? We have three balconies. Can you come to our city? We have 12 balconies. It's a crazy place. I think it's the Coliseum. They want us there so badly. And so now we've evolved a little bit. This tour, we're not only going to tell you how many balconies are in this place, but we are going to tell you how many balconies we have performed in total on the entire tour. Yeah. So that's very exciting and complex. Salt Lake City. This is a tough one. It's not helping that it's all painted black and I can't really see it, but are those seats? They're tables? Get the fuck out of here. All right, I have my answer then. Complex, Salt Lake City, Utah has zero balconies.

Yes. Now the second number I'm going to tell you is how many balconies total we have performed in front of. Up to this point, up till tonight, we have performed in front of. Up to this point, up till tonight, we had performed in front of 14. So I'm gonna tell you the total now. At Complex Theater or just The Complex? Have you ever seen anything here before?

Is this a, it feels like a scam. The whole thing feels fake to me. The Complex, Salt Lake City, I am pleased as punch to announce that the grand total now stands at 14 balconies! Wow, exciting stuff. Well, you know, when we're in a new town, we always try to find local talent that's going to be here. And so we found a group of people that wanted to perform with us.

Please welcome the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That would be strange. Although they could fit on this ginormous stage. How many people are in this choir? A hundred? One hundred? More higher higher. One hundred and one.

One hundred and two. One hundred and three. Price is right. One hundred and four. One hundred and five. One hundred and six. One hundred and seven. What are we talking?

Seven hundred? You don't know? Alright. Lots. Okay, lots. One dollar, thank you. No, are you guys ready to start this show? Very exciting show here tonight. Seems like they all found their seats.

We're ready to go. Utah, we have a very venue, Seems like they all found their seats. We're ready to go. Utah, we have a very venue, or at least city-appropriate guest here tonight. He's a gentleman, the aforementioned businessman I mentioned. I don't know that he runs the business, but his mother invented Gasha's paper. Please welcome Alamony Tony, so wonderful to see you. Yeah, good to see you, good to see you. I'm not a business man, by the way. My mother, it was my mother's business. I just collect the checks, okay? But I'm not a business man.

I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man.

I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man.

I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I'm not a business man. I, good to see you. I'm not a business man, by the way. My mother, it was my mother's business. I just collect the checks, okay? But you are the head, you're... No, I'm not. I'm not involved in the business day to day. I apologize for getting the facts from... What is this place?

This reminds me of when they fooled Joe Pesci at Goodfellas thinking he was gonna be a made man. Bring him down to an empty basement and shoot him in the face. Did they, did they build, was that a set? They built a whole bar for that? No, no, I said it reminds me of, come on Scott. Well, I apologize. I don't want to get on the wrong foot with you. No, no, it's not you Scott. I'm in a bad mood. I'm sorry.

You're in a bad mood? I shouldn't take it out on you. Alamoni Tony, I've never seen you in a bad mood. Well, you've seen it now. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. It's quite alright. What gets Alamone Tony in a bad mood? You're one of the most joyful, vivacious people that I've ever come across. Yeah, used to be. Used to be? This is the norm

now? Norm! It feels... feels... I don't think that's the way that worked by the way. I don't think you had to do a little startup norm in order to get the big norm. Well I'm upset because of a couple reasons. First of all, I can barely hear myself in the monitor. It's a problem. Secondly, I'm married right now and my wife and I have been fighting. No. Hey, thanks everybody. You're married again. Yeah.

When did you get married? I got married b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- I never get married on Valentine's Day. That's when you're doing your Valimone Shoney, of course. I've, of course. I've had weddings on every major holiday in the US and abroad, except Valentine's Day. Juneteenth. Juneteenth. Absolutely. Once it became a federal holiday. Sure. And before then? Never? It felt disrespectful. Do you consider Halloween to be a major holiday?

I do. Even though it's not, you know, get the day off for it. So you got married on Halloween? Of course I got married on Halloween. Can I ask what you dressed up as? I dressed up as a bride and the bride dressed up as a groom. It was fun. And the preacher dressed up as a demon. Wish I was still married to that lady. What happened to her?

We got divorced. Oh yeah, she's not passed on. Has that ever happened to you when someone dies during a marriage? There was, I never had a wife die during the marriage. But I did have a wife die immediately after we got divorced, and I could never send her an alimony check. She was the one that got away.

People don't know. Go ahead, you do it, you do it. Sorry. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Scott. For the gentlemen in teal, especially. Alimony Tony is a multi- Wait, the gentleman in teal, especially. Alamoni Tony is a multi- You call that teal? Wait, the gentleman in teal?

Yes. It's a blue shirt. It's a light blue shirt. That man's hat is teal. You have that for comparison. What do you think teal is? I think it's a light blue mixed with a touch of green. Yeah, that's not what that is. That's blue. It's light blue. Okay. He seemed very upset at the just mirror hint that it was Teal. I thought you were pointing out Peter Teal for a second.

He's busy. His boy JD. I don't like that guy. Amongst the uber wealthy, we don't like him. Oh really? Well that was the thing I was gonna mention is, Alamo-D-Tony here is a very wealthy, are you a billionaire at this point or? Oh Scott.

Let's just say I'm doing all right. So billionaire who, your mother invented Gash's paper. She invented it for the space program, that's right. And this was when they were writing stuff down it had to evaporate otherwise it would bang around the cockpit. Exactly. You didn't want to have all those shreds of paper just hanging around there. Because space is at a premium in a space capsule. Of course. It's so ironic. You're going into space and you have so little of it. You have no space, exactly.

Yes. So Alamone Tony, you've been married how many times? Oh, at this point, it's in the high 60s. Yeah. 60. Come on. Okay. But yes.

Alright, hell yeah. And you have been married many times. It's never worked out. You always marry for love. I always marry for love. But here's the thing. I have also been divorced many times. And the silver lining there is, I love paying alimony. I mean, I love it, brother. I get a real thrill out of it.

It gets me going. But I never marry just to get divorced. I always marry thinking it's going to work out. And you love just knowing these women are taken care of. I do. I love being able to be the one that takes care of them whether they need me to or not. Because a lot of them, you know, they remarry. Sure.

And you could stop paying alimony, but you continue to. That's right. The husband begs me. Their husband begs you? Yes. He says it's emasculating what you're doing. Please. No, he says please keep sending the alimony. Oh, oh, he begs for the alimony. Yeah, he wants the money. Yeah.

But I make it so that it's her money, he can't touch it. He can't touch it. Okay, is that a stipulation? It's a stipulation. It's very complicated. So do you have a prenup? I've never had a prenup. Never had a prenup. Seems like you could do a prenup where you...

I've signed prenups for my potential wives, but I've never offered a prenup to be signed. Right. Seems like you could do one where you offer the alimony, like, I'm gonna give you double what you... That's giving up already. I marry for love. He marries for love. I marry for love. So you have 68 divorces. That's right. And you're currently in the middle of that other number,

and it's not working out. It's not working out. What's the major argument between you? Oh, I wish there was one. Her name first of all is French. French. French. What kind of name is that? It's all for Frenchine.

That doesn't help. Oh. I don't think I've heard that one either. Frenchine? Frenchine. Oh, okay. Are you pronouncing Francine differently or is it with an H in there? Frenchine? F-R-A. Continue. Okay, go a little further. C-H-I-N-E.

Frenchine. Now, you know, Scott, all the time we know each other. I'm not a mush mouth. You know, I speak very, I al-cute, you know. Yes, and I appreciate that about you. Especially when you can't hear the monitors. That's right. All the more reason to speak clearly and distinctly. Exactamundo, mon frère.

Fonzie. Yes. Fonzie if he were French. Fonzie if he were French, could you imagine? Oui. He would say yes? What is a French? Is it ah? Ah! Lid you box? Lid you box. Lid you box. So, French. Frenchy and I are not getting along.

We're fighting at every little thing. Snipping, snapping, sleeping, snoping. The refrigerator, you're leaving the refrigerator open too long. You didn't close this drawer. Where's the knife? Where's the spoon? Which one of you is that? Is that you or her?

That's both of us. Don't you see? Simultaneously? We're taking turns being the aggressor. Oh, God. If somebody, if I walk in there and she's in a good mood, it puts me in a bad mood and vice versa.

Do you find that your issues with all of your wives are very similar? No! Yes, maybe. Perhaps. Is everything due to a lack of communication? Well, that's really what it all comes down to, doesn't it Scott? A lack of communication. And sometimes, yes, I will go for weeks or months without talking to my wife. That's too much. They say never go to bed angry. Well, I don't. You don't sleep for weeks or months? No, I don't go to bed angry. I've never gone to bed angry. I'm happy every single time.

You know why? It's fun to sleep. You better cheer up by the time you get to bed tonight. Getting into bed, that's what does it. I get in between those shoots and I'm like, ah, time to go away. I don't understand it. I have a little two year old almost girl and she doesn't ‑‑ When will she be a girl? We haven't decided yet. Very progressive of us. I We haven't decided yet. Very progressive of us. I thought it was her to decide. No, we're gonna decide. But we just wait and hear her out. We just wait. But she always cries when she goes down for the nap and it's like, how I envy you right now.

Babies don't get it. Babies don't get it. Yeah. That's why I don't have kids. Yeah, you've never had kids with any of you. Never had kids. Well, because also I can't have kids. I'm barren. I have what is called the no motility.

Right, they're just dead. They're in your ball sack. They just won't move. Yeah. I'm packed to the rafters with semen. Yeah, it's just weighing you down. Yeah, so many sperms. It's like lugging-

So many spermatases away. Lugging a five pound bag around with you just- It's very heavy. Yeah. Because they don't get out. They don't get out? It's like you want them to move out of the house, but they can't get there.

That's why I wear tennis shorts all the time. But I don't like, the thing I don't like, look, kids are very nice, sure. Yes. But you have to explain everything to them. I mean, that's part of parenting, I guess, is like, oh wow. It's a big part. They're learning this for the first time and you're the one telling them that. Who needs it?

Yeah. I don't need someone in my house who doesn't understand how things work. You should have roommates who are electricians and plumbers and stuff. I should? I don't know. Why? Because they know how stuff works. Everything around you.

You should get the world's best people in every field. I'm not having some kind of cult in my home. Hey, do you know how something works? Come on over. Automotive, chef, laser tag guy, Zamboni driver. How much do you think Zamboni drivers know about the Zamboni? You gotta think that- Like if it broke down on the ice, do you think Zambodi drivers know about the Zambodi? You gotta think that. Like if it broke down on the ice, do you think they could fix it?

You gotta think they get hired because they know how to fix it. Because if there's two guys and one guy just sitting there most of the time, that's inefficient. If there's two guys and one guy sitting there most of the time. You're talking about the mechanic. One guy's the hot shot Zambodi driver. The days of thunder style. Yes. Yes. The Zambodi driver? Yes. The days of thunder style. Yes. Yes.

The Zambodi pit crew, you got five guys now. Putting new bristles in the brush or whatever. I don't know what's under there. Zambodi's a stupid. Alamoni Tony, Tony, Tony, come on. You're doing great. You're doing great. So at what point do you cut bait?

Okay Scott, I suppose this is the elephant of the room. Yes, I'm thinking about divorce. Alimony, Tony, they love you so much they don't want to hear that kind of thing. Well, they should try walking a mile in my house. Are you the one who brings up divorce because you marry for love, you don't want to get to the pink. Am I the one who brings up divorce, Scott? Come on.

Sometimes it's been me, sometimes it's been them. This is where adults here. Okay, so this is a normal, you're not holding out saying I don't, I married for love, I don't ever wanna get divorced. That's happened sometimes. Right, divorce can enter your mind and you as an adult. It can and it has.

And it has right now it seems like. Yes. Yeah. Because you mentioned it. And I heard it, then now it's in my mind. Now it's my fault that you're gonna get divorced? Right now it is. Well what do you, I mean what do you do in this situation? Do you well we've taken a sleeping in separate houses

I'm sleeping at the the big house and she's sleeping at the really big house That's nice, that's gentlemanly. I think so, I try to be a gentleman anyway. So she must know something is coming. Has she ever brought it up? Like maybe we would be happier if we took some time apart? No, I think she's very, I hate to talk about it this way, but she drives me crazy. She's very vindictive and she's mean.

I think she would stay in this marriage just to spite me. Wow, what attracted you to her in the first place? She's got a very fiery personality. It sounds like it, but now that seems to repel you. It does! Isn't that interesting? The thing that attracts you to someone is later the thing that disgusts you the most. Yeah, boobs. They're just, they're disgusting. Maybe to you. Well, I don't know what to do in this situation. Can I help at all? Well, Um, well I don't know what to do in this situation. Can I help at all?

Can... Well, let me ask you some questions. Okay. All right, let's say you're married to someone. Okay. And you weren't getting along. And let's say this person, they did a thing where they took razor blades

and sort of taped them around a light switch. So that if someone else were to come in and just sort of swipe up the light switch. So they're sticking out? Yes, just enough. Okay, that's one thing. Has this happened to you? Is this purely hypothetical?

Let me finish. Okay. Let's say a person goes to the refrigerator, they see there's a dozen eggs in a carton, they open up the carton, and what they find is twelve live baby chicks. I mean, it would be cute. But they're peeping and screaming because it's freezing in there. Shouldn't be freezing. Well, for them it's freezing. They're just little chicks.

True. I could stay in there all day. I don't care. What are refrigerators usually at? 30 something degrees? I don't know. Why don't I have a refrigerator guy live with me and tell me? Let's say, let's say you're going to walk up the stairs or walk down the stairs, because it goes both ways. I would imagine you're so rich though, you would have up stairs that go up and stairs that go down and I imagine you have escalators and elevators. No, it's very impersonal.

I do have an elevator, yeah, of course. It's big enough for one person. Wow. So you better not be claustrophobic. Because if you already have a problem with elevators, you're really gonna have a problem with this one. It is like a little coffin. Did you get it?

There's barely room for the button. Is the button sticking into your belly sometimes? Sometimes. Sometimes that's how I'll press the button. Just push my little belly out. Ding. So you're on the stairs. I'm about to be on the stairs.

I love that moment. Anything could happen. Anything. Schrodinger stairs. Here we sat on the brink of destiny. And of course in my home I have beautiful polished marble staircases. But they seem a little more polished than usual because someone has found a clear version of the Nickelodeon slime and coated all the stairs. Now this person, who shall remain nameless, I think is trying to do me bodily harm, mess with my mind, and perhaps kill me.

It raises an interesting question. What's that? Is the slime clear to begin with and they add food coloring? Or did they de-green it? Scott, I'm gonna be straight with you. I'm not as concerned with the slime process. I thought that's why you were asking me. And I provided the other two examples just as an abuse bouche.

Till we got to the slide, main course. So, Alamoni and Tony, are you saying this has happened to you? Yes, Scott, why would I be making this up? You're very tiresome tonight. Tony. I'm sorry. We're friends. I'm sorry. We're friends and we like each other. Yes. Sorry, I'm just a terrible boot. I know. I know. Wow. I mean, yes, it sounds to me like, I don't know, I'm going to throw out just a hypothetical of

my own. I dare you. If I were married to a billionaire whom I loathed with every fiber of my being but I loved his money and I wanted all of it and not just you know 10% or whatever are you are you married in California all the time is it like half I've been married all over the place Wow but I would brief detour fun yeah I just wonder if you have to if your money gets halved every single time you get divorced. It's different for people like me, Scott. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Also, I mean, the money just keeps coming in, so it really doesn't matter. People keep going to space. They do keep going to space, and they need to write things down and get rid of it. Yep. So you're suggesting that Francine is trying to murder me to inherit money? All of your money, not just some of your money. Here's the little flaw in your plan that you ascribe to Francine. She is also independently wealthy.

Really? What does she do for a living? She also is the child of someone who invented something. What did her parents invent, if I may ask? Earth paper. What is earth paper? It's paper made of dirt. Okay, yeah. Why do we need that? The army uses it where they're going to

devise a plan of attack in the dirt. They got tired of taking that stick. Taking a stick. Sometimes it's not a stick around. Yeah, that's a big problem when you're in the armed forces. But the earth paper, very slim. You fold it up, put it in your pocket, use a regular old pen. But it's made of dirt. Yeah. Then after you're done with the plan, you just stamp it down. And no one can ever see it again.

No one. Wow, I had no idea that our, the technology was so advanced there in the military right now. The only thing that mankind has yet to invent is paper made of fire. Earth, air, water, we've conquered three of the elements. God, I'm imagining it right now. I want to use this. You mustn't.

It will drive you mad. Anyone who's ever tried to make fire paper has gone insane. How many times have I been there in my study and I'm writing down blackmail notes and stuff like that and then I crumple it up and throw it in the fire. Why are you blackmailing so many people? Oh, you know, you don't get to where I've been without blackmailing people. Okay.

And then you throw it in the fire because you don't want the police to ever see you. Exactly, so you write the note, immediately throw it in the fire. Yeah. The perfect crime. The person doesn't even know they're being blackmailed. But with fire paper you write it down and it comes pre-fired so no one can ever touch

it or... That's exactly right. This is driving me insane right now. Exactly. Scott, you must stop. Okay, okay, enough. No, fire paper can't exist. I remember there was a guy that used to come to my parents' home.

We used to call him... Teddy Matchsticks. Was that his name or...? He was what we used to call him because he always had smoke coming off him. He was always singed. He looked like he had soot all over him, like those chimney sweeps in the Mary Poppins movie. Hello, Bert! Hello, Mary Poppins.

Nice to see you. Oh, Bert and Mary Poppins imitating each other? I may have switched their voices. Who knows what they got up to? Hey, you know, it can get pretty freaky there. You think they were a thing, like, right? I honestly, like, it seems like she put him in the friend zone. I don't know about that.

Really? I don't know. I think there was something there. You think they were knocking boots? I think they were. I think they were playing hide the salami. I think they were doing the nasty. Well what were we talking about? Oh yeah, so she's independently wealthy. I'm still hung up on Mary Poppins at birth because they go to all these magical realms.

They must have had an intense sexual escapades. Yeah. It's so hot, you know, like dancing with all those penguins. Yes. Yeah. Maybe they stand around and watch. Who knows? Yeah.

If you can imagine it, it's been done. Maybe she wrote, Stay Awake for him, because he was always falling asleep on top of her. Right, but Stay Awake was a lullaby designed to make you fall asleep. Hmm. It's an ironic title. It's a lot like that book, Not All Sheep Are Boring. Anyway, bye Bobby Moynihan. It's time to get you excited about counting sheep, because they're all exciting, and by the end of it, people fall asleep.

Anyway. Wait, so this guy took the concept of counting sheep and made it into a book? Yeah. Is that allowed? I was thinking of suing him. In any case, so she's independently wealthy, but I mean, you billionaires, you're all about growth, right? You're all about pie charts going up, up, up.

Scott, Scott, Scott. We're past billions. I didn't wanna have to say this to you. You're a trillionaire? Oh, keep going. Higher? Quadrillionaire? Keep going.

Quintillionaire? Is that? Let's just say I do okay. You're like them in the front row. With the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Wait, you're the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Yeah. I'm the one who's going to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be

the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the Okay. You're like them in the front row.

With the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Wait, you're the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Yeah. The two of you? If only three of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir came in, would anyone care? Would that be impressive? If only three show up? Just three came out and they sang.

Beautiful voices, of course, but so what? Do you know what I mean? Like you have to have the whole gang or else who cares? What if there were a murderer? Now we're talking. And the only suspects were the Mormon Tabernacle choir. Who was who's the who's the victim who got murdered? I guess who's in charge now?

Joseph Smith? No, he was the original guy. I don't know if he and the choir ever met. Okay, we'll say Mike Lee. The English film director? Yes. Have to go lucky? L-E-I-G-H.

You're right. But, and what if they all did it? Oh, like a murderer on the Order Express? Yeah. They all did one step. All 100 of them. Or more, according to them. How many?

200? 300? I have 300. Do I hear more? This is exciting. Is it 360, did you say? 360. 200? 300? I have 300. Do I hear more? This is exciting. Is it 360 did you say? 360? Hey I'm talking to him. I'm sorry I'm in a bad mood. Is that so they can all stand in a circle and jerk off looking at each other?

They have one for every angle, every degree. Why is it 365 so there's one for every day? Yeah. And there's one extra guy who's just waiting every four years. Every four years he gets to sing with them. And then one of them goes to every single person's house every day. What? I'm still thinking about fire paper. One of them goes to everyone's house every single day? Yeah. Here's what I think. Mormon Tabernacle Choir starts January 1st. Yes. One tabernacle comes out on stage.

Right. January 2nd, two tabernacles. out on stage. Right. January 2nd. Two tabernacles. Exactly. They keep building. So the end of the year, how exciting. December 31st, the whole gag is here. Wow. And they sing, what are you doing New Year's Eve?

In 300 part harmony. Maybe they sing whatever the song of the summer was. Sure. Brat. Yeah, whatever. Kamala is brat. Kamala is brat, of course. That's been established.

Hot to go. I'd love to hear the four-way timid echo choir singing hot to go. They told me they wanted you. Would that be beautiful? Beautiful. Are they required to sing everything like that? Would that be beautiful? Beautiful? Are they required to sing everything like that? Yes, if you can't sing like that, you're not in. What if you have a beautiful Aretha-esque voice?

Don't peddle your papers somewhere else. We don't need that. What we need is, woo woo woo woo. Well Tony, speaking of peddling your paper, she is the heiress to earth paper. You're the heir to the gashers paper throne. I still think that, you know, it sounds like she's definitely trying to.

Here's what I'm saying, here's what I'm saying. When you get to a certain tier of wealth. It doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter anymore. You gain perspective. That's why I feel sad for billionaires. They're not over it yet. You know what I mean?

Yeah. It's a relief. They're still checking the price of milk. Oh, it's a relief. Once you get up to 50 zeros. That's how many zeros? Shhhhhh You realize it's all zeros.

Everything is zeros. Zero is nothing. Yes. Too many zeros. Way more zeros than the thing at the front of it. Ah! They're weighing you down. Exactly.

Except they do free you in a way because it's great to have money. Where's your money gonna go when you die? Space. You're gonna shoot it up into space like a confetti cannon? No, I'm kidding. Oh, that's not a bad idea. And then it rains down on the populace? That would be so cool. Boy, that's a... I was just gonna divide it amongst all my ex-wives. That's nice. Yeah. Although 69 of them, now they only get, I'm trying to think of what 50 zeros would be. Well don't. Okay.

That will also make you go mad. Trying to calculate my wealth, it will overwhelm you. It's like a seven, 18, I don't know. Anyway, I don't know, I think she's trying to kill you. It's like a seven, eighteen, I don't know. Anyway, I don't know, I think she's trying to kill you. I wouldn't be surprised if you, some accident happens in this, you know, fake theater that we're in right now. She's set it up. These curtains, which are not protecting the backstage people from the audience at all. They could tear those asunder at any moment.

Oh, you thought that they were there for defense? In any crowd, there could be a madness that overcomes them. And they storm the side of the building. We do have counter snipers in the high locations. That's right so if you're sitting at the counter forget about it. I don't think she's trying to kill me I think she's trying to mess with my head. It obviously works. Look at you, you're not the same alimony, Tony. I think, Scott, I think we're gonna get divorced. It's for the best, guys, it's for the best.

Look, if it's broken, if it's broken and you can't fix it, throw it away. It doesn't just apply to cars. Well Tony, now that you've made the decision, there's one thing I want to remind you. Yeah? You're gonna be paying alimony money. Oh yeah baby!

Alright! I'm back! Yeah baby! Does that make you horny? Hey, I don't get sexual gratification Yeah baby! Does that make you horny? Hey! I don't get sexual gratification out of paying alimony. I want that very clear. I get asked that a lot.

Really? From Austin Powers impersonators? Yes! Okay, they're just- What is with these guys? They're just impersonating us. They're not talking to you specifically. I've never seen the movie, how do I know? Oh, you gotta see it.

These guys coming up to me with the... As a representative of the Austin Powers verse. I was in Goldmember, of course. I don't know what that is. Oh, I envy you not knowing what Goldmember is yet. Yet? You're gonna be laughing so hard. Will I recognize you in the film?

Check this out. Okay, all right. Do you recognize me? I do. You'll recognize me in the film. That's great news. Well, buddy, I'm so happy. Is that too informal? Yeah, I feel like you say that to kids.

Okay. Buddy, buddy. Well, that's wonderful. Buddy, good for you, buddy. Hey, buddy, it's time to go to sleep, buddy. We'll go to grandma's, buddy. Put your shoes on, buddy. No wonder kids are so horrible. People talk to them that way. You don't have to. You're not, it's not legally. But everybody does. I know, isn't it strange? The first time. This is what I'm saying.

The first time a buddy slips out of your mouth, it's just like, ah, did I just start with the buddies? Have you, you have a child now. I do. Almost a girl. Have you started calling her buddy? I have not. No, I think it slipped out once. Do you feel it coming? It's tempting because everyone does it. All the other people dropping them off everywhere.

Okay, buddy, we're gonna do this, buddy. Ugh. I feel like we had a great off-ramp with the fact that you were gonna pay alimony. Yes, we did. What happened, do you think? Was it me? We stared at each other. I don't remember. had a great off ramp with the fact that you were going to pay alimony. And now we stare at each other. I don't remember. I was nervous when you took the mic all the way away from your mouth. I feel like that's a real fuck you. That's your problem now, buddy. Well, look, alimony, Tony, I'm so happy. Thank you, I can't wait to be paying Alamoni.

I could be the one to tell you that you're gonna be paying Alamoni. Thank you, I'm glad it was you. You're 69th, can we high five? Yes, of course we can. Alamoni Tony, everybody! High five gets him every time! Alamoni Tony!

Alamoni Tony! Alamoni Tony! Alamoni Tony! I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony.

I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. I'm a bonnie Tony. in this house. What are they trying to say about that? Were they talking about themselves?

I think it was a cheeky little wink. It wasn't them, someone else was saying it. That was slowing it down again. Yep. All right. Tony, our next guest, I'd like to remind you that our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, started out as a humble carpenter. Okay.

And so did our next guest. She is a pop star. Please welcome Sabrina Carpenter! I'm working late. I'm working late. I'm working late. I'm working late. I'm working late. I'm working late. I'm working late. I'm working late.

I'm working late. I'm working late. I'm working late. I'm working late. I'm working late. I didn't catch a lot of those lyrics. Oh, do you want to say? Wow, it is awesome to be here tonight. What a cool basketball theater turned into an auditorium.

What's a basketball theater? I never heard the term before, but I think she's nailed it. I never heard the term before, but I think she's nailed it. Ria, go to see intimate games of basketball in a black box. I just see every space as a potential performance space. So even sports are really just a performance, aren't they? Yes. Woo! Woo!

Sabrina, it's a pleasure to have you on the show. Of course, I'm a big fan of all of your work. Of course. I mean, I have the song of the summer. Hit it! That was my hit. What was the last thing you said? Espresso. Okay.

That's of course the title of the song, Espresso. Me Espresso, that's right. What's the step before that, coming up me? It's coming out here, coming out home, someone to chain on a month, someone to kiss, someone to own, someone to eat espresso. I really appreciated it to hear the acapella version. She not a mom, and I'm not a kid, so I'm not, oh, I'm not, yes, I'm sorry. I really appreciated it to hear the acapella version.

Yeah. You know, Sabrina, I do song parodies in my spare time as- We never talked about that tonight. Under the name, We Are the Bode, Alamo de Tony. And would you mind if I did a parody of your song right now? Oh my God, I would love that. All right, here we go. Hit it. So I'm a little blue, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Did I do it? I'm working late. That was so good. Thank you. Oh, my god.

I hope you don't mind me taking liberties with the lyrics. Crazy. Yeah, no. One of the rare song parodies that't mind me taking liberties with the lyrics. Crazy, yeah, no. One of the rare song parodies that has the exact same lyric at the end. Exactly. But it's spelled differently. Oh, is that how you're spelling espresso? M-E-E.

Oh, okay. But then espresso is the same. Oh, me espresso. Is that what you meant? Why? Why go so slow? I feel like I can't see both of you. I'm going to go't see both of you.

I'm going to go like this. There you go. I can see your cutie little faces. Hi Sabrina. Hi. It's so wonderful to talk to you. A big fan. You, you of course started out as an actor on shows like Girl Meets World.

That's right. That's the show Boy Meets world, but with a girl. Kind of like this show, how there's just one girl. This one was tough to put together. Let's go fly to Utah in the middle of the summer. And then obviously, yeah, I just kind of transitioned into music and I have been blowing up, mainly also because I am dating quite a big actor right now. I had no idea.

Who are the biggest actors now? John Travolta, Kevin Spacey. No. No. But both of them are really cool and hot. No, I'm dating Barry Keoghan. Yeah, the guy that drinks the bath water. Yeah. Yeah, the guy that fucked the dirt.

That is my boy. Cool. Yeah. That's my boy. Cool. Yeah. That's so great. Do you have a name for your partnership, your relationship? Oh, a portmanteau? What's that? A couple portmanteaux?

Yeah, I guess we just call ourselves, um, a S-S-S-Savary. A little close to Sbarro's. Do you ever get confused for that, where people come up and ask you for pizza? S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s- like a piece of cardboard with cheese. Yeah. What about key arpenter? That has, I don't know, so much ring to it, but I kind of like, So much ring. So very. But I am so excited to be in Utah tonight, you guys. Yeah, so are we.

Yeah, I love Utah. So are all of them. They love it here. So much to do. So much to do. So much to see. So many places to go. I wanna be where the people Can go.

Can live. I wanna go where the people go. Mormon Tabernacle Choir doing Under the Sea, go. Under the sea. Under the sea. Under the sea. Life is much better. Down where it's wetter. Take it from me.

Applause. Um, well I'm in Utah because I am on a mission of sorts, actually. Oh, wow. I mean, a lot of times people leave Utah to go on missions. I know, but I'm- But you're here to be on a mission. I'm on a mission in Utah. Wow.

I know. No one's ever done it. You think that ever, like, you think that ever- It's a real physician heal-thyself moment. You think that ever, like, you think that ever... It's a real physician heal myself moment. Do you think a Mormon ever, it's like when you join, you know, oh, World War II, I'm gonna go join the army, and then you're like stationed at a base in your hometown.

Do they ever go on a mission that's like, well, you're gonna be just, you know, kind of around here? It does happen, yeah. Yeah. Why would they leave this place undefended? That's what I say. I think they should build a wall. You know, the Jehovah's Witnesses are trying to invade Utah. So what is your mission? What are you here to do? Well, I was recently hired by Starbucks. The company.

Okay! Yeah. Speaking of mermaids. Speaking of mermaids, I wasn't there for that part. No, we just sang Under the Sea. What? I don't remember that. I blocked it out. Okay.

Yeah, I got hired by them. They're paying me $900 million to get Mormons into coffee. Wow. Yeah. Obviously my big hit, Mi Espresso. they were like, this is a no-brainer. Let's get her on the ground. Boots on the ground. Boots on the ground. Boots with the fur. Tits on the ground.

Yeah. Ass in the air. Shorty got low. Ass in the air. Ass up. Face down. Ass up. That's the way I like to fuck.

That's the way I like to fuck. That's the way I like to fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That's the way I like to fart. That's the way I like to fart. That's the way I like to fart. So... Because Mormons traditionally don't drink caffeine.

Right, and they don't fuck either. But yes, they don't drink caffeine, and obviously there's some gray area, because some people drink soda sometimes, I've heard. I've heard rumor. Are they allowed to drink 7-Up? Crystal clean, no caffeine. They can drink 7-Up. Yeah.

And Dr. Pepper too, right? No caffeine. Dr. Pepper doesn't have caffeine. How the fuck am I drinking that? For the delicious taste. The delicious taste of prune. Mmm mmm good. So Starbucks brought you here, flew you here. What are you doing in order to get...

I am basically on the ground kind of doing word of mouth. So I just have these sayings that I've been saying around town just to get in people's ears. Get Mormons to crave coffee and really just get after that espresso, if you know what I mean. Maybe we could hear some of these. Yeah, sure. Maybe these people after the show

would all go to Starbucks and get a nice pick-me-up. Let's take a look here. One of the ones that Starbucks told me to say is, feeling sluggish? Try Starbucks' new white chocolate Java chip mochaccino sweet cream latte with crunchy crumbs. One sip and you'll feel Brigham Young again. So imagine me, I'm just kind of walking around Salt Lake.

Saying that. And maybe I spot a woman with a braid or a dress. with a braid or a dress. That's when I launch into my campaign. And it's been working. It's been working. I mean, could we sort of role play this? Absolutely. Can I be the woman with the braid or the dress?

Do I have to pick? Whatever you want, sweetie pie. Thank you, Sabrina. I'll be the tree. Do I have to pick? Whatever you want, sweetie pie. Thank you, Sabrina. I'll be the tree. Do you want me to say the same line I said before? No, you can say something different. That's great.

Oh, awesome. Good point. Can you put crunchy crumbs into it? Absolutely. I'll totally insert that in. Okay, great. Here we go. That's what she said. Absolutely. I'll totally insert that in. Okay great. Here we go. That's what she said. Absolutely. That is what she said. No I heard it. Then why are you glaring at me? Slippery slope dear boy. All right here we go. Okay so Feeling hot in the summer sun? Cool off with Starbucks' new white chocolate,

vanilla, sweet cream, oat foam, shakerado with Joseph Smith's Golden Foam. One sip and you'll feel just like the first president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when he got married to his 40th wife. Ahem. I couldn't help but notice a lack of crunchy crubs in there. This is when I'm following her home. So she's already gotten home now. Stay away from me!

She's already home and I stop her and I go. I'll be the tree that's outside the house. Honey, please! I forgot my keys, please let me in. I'm in the house? Yeah. We bring the outdoors in. So are you in the house?

So I get married to a tree? Wait, am I the husband at a tree? Yeah. All right. Honey, Honey! What is it dear? Grow your branches out through the window! I forgot my keys and someone crazy is following me!

It's gonna take too long! Hey! What is it? What do you want? Don't forget about crunchy crumbs. Hit it! I'm working late, cause I'm a singer and it looks so cute. I think that worked. It actually did make me want one of those. Yeah, it's been working like crazy.

I mean, if you're looking around Salt Lake right now, you guys, all of the Starbucks have been flooded by sister wives and one man with them. Sabrina, they ask a question. Yeah. Have you seen any of them actually drink the coffee after you've talked to them? I have, but obviously I have to go back to their house to watch them drink it.

So I follow them. So they buy it, they take it straight home. Exactly, exactly. But yeah, I'm so proud of myself, honestly. And to be honest, Barry is really proud of me too. Do you mind if I give him a call? Yeah, let's call Barry. This is Barry.

Keoghan, my boyfriend, my famous boyfriend. Yeah, Keoghan. Hello? Ko-Ko-E-Ko-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki My old friend, Sabrina Carpenter. Hey, babe, I was just talking about you. Oh yeah, I was staring off into the corner of the room and thinking about you. That's so awesome, babe. I have been rocking it, making everybody drink coffee in Salt Lake Oh Ben does your dream come true? Can I ask Barry a question? Where are you from?

I'm from the rolling green hills of England, the United Kingdom Checks out No further questions. Barry, it was so good to talk to you, babe. I'll call you soon, okay? What? I want to stay on the phone and talk with you. You are my girlfriend.

Babe, can you say that one famous line from Saltburn? I'm about to fuck the grave. Okay, that was awesome. I'll call you soon. Okay, bye. Bye, Barry. We love you. Bye, Barry. We love you. Wow. She hung up.

Yeah, so, I mean, my work is changing the world. Yeah, it's incredible. Are you going to do this worldwide? I am, I think, but... Or do you think it'll be more of a domino effect? Well, the thing is, I've learned there are margaritas... I almost said margaritas. There are margaritas all over the world? There are margaritas all over the world. There are Mormons all over the world

because they spread their religion places. So my plan is to go where the Mormons go and convert them to coffee. I wanna go where the Mormons go And convert them to coffee Oh, I've come about to call me Eee Oh. By many Mormons.

So yeah. So yeah. Mormons. So yeah. Sorry, dude. So yeah. That's a great point. So yeah. So yeah, my next stop, my next stop is somewhere, you know, where all the Mormons go. Where's that?

Ballroom dancing competitions? Columbia. That was close. Columbia, I didn't realize so many Mormons went to Columbia. They are constantly going there. Do you mean the college? Yes. Oh, OK.

Most people think they go to Brigham Young University, but no, they go to Columbia. Yeah, they have a big roster there. So I picture myself just walking around the campus going, dairy free? No problem. Try Starbucks new dairy free nitro cold brew caramelita dolce blast with blended oatmeal chunks and dry toast. One sip and you'll feel as good as Real Housewives Salt Lake City Lisa Barlow and Jen Shaw went to prison for defrauding old people. Yeah. How long were they in for?

Jen Shaw? Yeah. She's still in there. Still in there. Oh yeah, she's going to be in there a long time. Really? Yeah. We love that for her.

We love that for her. She's giving prison realness. She is. It's just, it's so fun when they go to prison on those shows. Yeah. I feel like if you sign up for one of those shows, you should agree to go to prison for a little bit as well. I think so too.

You know? I mean, I think it's pretty common at this point to go like Teresa Giudice. She was in there for a while. Obviously Jen Shaw. It would be great if like on Vanderpump Rules, if you know, when Scandival happened, he had to go to jail for it.

It'd be good. Hit it! Are we hitting it? I'm working late, singer, someone who's so cute Ba-na-na-na-na, and I got this one go This one won't stop running, I'm down in the sun I'm working late, singer, someone who's so cute Ba-na-na-na-'s... And I got this bingo There's a moon's up on it

I'm down in B Come and get this callin' Come on, let's... ... Sabrina Carpenter, everyone! Ah-wah-wah! ... ...

... I turned around and I didn't see you Voila! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! I turned around and I didn't see you. I was hiding. I was hiding. I thought maybe you went to the bathroom

and I was like, I gotta really, I've gotta really work the crowd. Is this the altitude or are we old as shit? I shouldn't have had so much Mexican food before. We had the best, the best Mexican food in Salt Lake City. I ate two chili rellenos really close to a toilet. I've never felt better in my whole life. I housed three chicken flautas like the earth was about to implode.

implode. All right well we need to get to our next guest. Obviously a lot is going on in the world these days. Like what? Mainly in politics. Oh sure. Oh yeah. I'm trying to catch my breath. I was doing uh. High kicks. Yeah you were like trying to be a Dallas Cowboy. Doing the jump split. They shouldn't do that anymore right? No, every single one of them says that they have spinal problems. It's not good to do. I would like one of those makeovers that they give the girls though. I don't know why you don'tovers that they give the girls though. I don't know why you don't do that for comedy bang bang. I know.

Where I kind of look at you as you walk in and I go like, oh, your highlights are just. Well, if you think about it, when you have guests on your podcast, everyone's, it's just all audio. And then you bring your guests in front of these big crowds and it's like, they're not ready for that. Yeah. No one's ready to see what they really look like. You think we need HMU? I do. I think we need lots of bronzer too. Well let's get to our next guest.

There's a lot going on in the news. He's a political strategist. He's here to talk to us about all of that. Please welcome first time on the show, Fairly Longfellow. Fairly Longfellow. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Fairly long, fellow.

So great to meet you. Scott, I'm not gonna lie to you. I hope not. I'm not gonna lie to you. Okay. It's getting bad out here. Yeah, what's going on? So let me explain who I am first.

Okay. You've never met me before? Let me explain who I am. Ooh, magician. I'm a magician am first. Okay. You've never met me before. Let me explain who I am. Ooh, magician. I'm a magician of sorts. Because I make magic. I create things. What I create, you ever get a text message

from a politician about a prop or anything? A proposition? A proposition, a preposition, a turn of phrase. So like when prop 13 comes out, you get a text message from someone. We don't know who. We don't know who it is. Oh, do you want to switch it up? Do you think it's because you sent the number 13? Oh, that's what it is.

You can't say that proposition number. Okay, so proposition 12 plus one. Whenever there's a proposition 14, we all know it's really proposition 13. Exactly. It's like a hotel. So they, so you don't know who these text messages are from.

They're from me. They're from you. Yes. I've been getting a lot lately. You do? Yeah, I've been getting, up until Sunday, it was like, Joe Biden needs your support!

Because he does, Scott. He needs your support. And I thought they would end on Sunday afternoon. Nope. We're still coming. I got some new ones for you tonight. How many signatures do they need

for that thank you card? They need a lot of signatures. I can't keep signing it! You don't understand. The thank you is invalid if they don't have six million signatures. It's an invalid thank you. It's an empty, an empty thank you.

It's like when somebody goes, ooh, do you like my new haircut? And they go, ah-heh. It's like that? It's like that if they don't get six million. You have to understand this. So I came to let you know. I just decided to come here in person.

Thank you, yeah. We decided to come here in person. Thank you, yeah. We love to have political strategists on the show. It's a lot like Pod Save America or stuff like that. So, but you're the guy who writes these text messages. Yeah. And you're here to do what now? Send them to you in person.

Oh, okay. The personal touch. A personal touch. Scott, I'm not gonna lie to you. I see, okay. Don't respond, you don't respond yet. Okay. Ha ha ha!

Scott, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm sorry to text you this late, but Joe Biden needs your help. Ha ha ha! If you could please just reach into that wallet and donate anything you can, text stop to quit. Ha ha ha! What does Joe Biden need my help with now?

These are not the important questions. The important question is, what are you doing right now? Can you take out your wallet? Give me your debit card number, expiration date, code. Security code. Security code. Three numbers. Four if you have an American Express.

Scott, this is not time to be asking about it. Text stop to quit. Shouldn't the other cars have had four once American Express was like, we got four. Like wouldn't you be, if you were Visa, wouldn't you be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got four too. I think three set you apart. Three is a magic number. I told you I was a magician.

Hmm. Well, I don't know that I would respond to that one. I'm sorry. No? No. How about this? Scott, you up? Because I'm trying to fuck. Up your bank account.

Please donate anything you can. Joe Biden needs your help. Text stop to unsubscribe. That seems out of character for Joe Biden, I have to say. There's so much going on in the world right now. Joe Biden can't be sticking to the character you think he is. Okay.

What's going on with Joe? Why does he need so much help? Scott. I think he is. Okay. What's going on with Joe? Why does he need so much help? Scott. I'm about to tell you through this though. Okay, yeah, yeah. Because you want to know? I'm about to tell Scott, but you be listening because I'm actually talking to you.

Scott? Yes? I have COVID. And the only thing that can save me is if you reach down into your wallet, take out your credit card, donate anything you can, pennies, nickels, dimes, take stop to unsubscribe. Joe, he distributed the vaccines. That's the only way, I mean.

And he didn't take one for himself. That's how selfless he is. He didn't take one for himself. He gave his to Kamala? He gave his to Kamala. Wow! He took Johnson & Johnson, but it was just lotion. It was a vial of lotion, Scott. You gotta check?

You gotta check. You have to check. Anytime you're getting any kind of objection, always ask if it's lotion. They have to tell you. They have to tell you. That is your right to ask. It's just like when you're pulled over by a cop, you say, what are you pulling me over for? always ask if it's lotion. They have to tell you. They have to tell you. That is your right to ask. It's just like when you're pulled over by a cop,

you say, what are you pulling me over for? When you go get a vaccine, you say, is this lotion? And a person at CVS or Walgreens, whatever you have here, probably goes, ah. You got me. You got me. Scott. Yeah. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I Is it the way you're holding it? It might be.

Let me hold it like this. Liam Gallagher style. Scott, the altitude here is giving me sickness. Sickness. And the only thing that can solve this is a bit of a donation from you. I know you got it. I know you got it. I know you got it. Text after I subscribe.

I still, I don't think I would do it because honestly I've gotten some that are like 500% matches, 700% matches, 900% matches. You haven't said you're gonna match anything. Okay, is that what you want? Scott, I got a book of matches in my pocket. And I will light this bitch on fire. Everybody in here will be roasted.

And you can save them. All I need is a $5 donation. Joe Biden will set this place on fire. All you need is a $5 donation. Text out to us and subscribe. You can't burn down this beautiful school auditorium. This is beautiful. Think of the kids.

Also, you didn't answer my question. No. About Joe. Is Joe okay? What's going on with Joe? Yeah, I haven't watched the news in a few years. What's going on with Joe? Yeah, I haven't watched the news in a few years. What's going on with Joe Biden? You know what?

Why don't I tell you in a way that you can understand? Okay. Sir? I'm working late Cause I'm a singer And it's not giving me enough money, so I need Scott to donate. Being a singer at night is not giving me enough money.

I'm working all throughout the night to collect donations. Joe Biden is a singer, and he's working late. You're working all throughout the night? That's when you're a singer, you said. Yes, I'm singing for tips, I'm busking in the middle of a bus station. It's dangerous. I've been stabbed. And the only thing that can stitch up that wound

is a donation from you, Scott. Whatever you can give, Joe Biden has been stabbed to answer your question. Oh, God. In a bus station while he was busking. In a busk station. Because the buses don't run there anymore because that's the economy, because we don't have enough money.

Scott, please, text stop to unsubscribe. Stop? It doesn't work. Damn it. I'll just come back with a different name. Anyway, what's up with you? It's not really important. Joe Biden was stabbed.

I knew something was up with him. Who would do that? Where was he stabbed? In the head or the heart or the butt? He was stabbed in the butt. In the crease, under the butt cheek, at the top of the thigh, the back thigh, the part that tastes so, so good.

Try it tonight. Couples, try it tonight. I urge every couple in this room to taste the bottom of the butt cheek right where it creases and don't shower yet. Don't shower before you do it. It's 102 degrees here in Salt Lake City. Don't shower. Go straight home, throw your partner on the bed,

taste that crease. And after you're done doing that, donate to Joe Biden. He needs your help. That's one of the text messages. Everybody in here just got that one. Text out to unsubscribe, it won't work. You can unsubscribe all day, I'll still be there. I already got your number, bitches.

Are these just coming to me or are they going out to everyone? Some people. Some people. It's not one of the choices. Some people. Some people. Some people. Some people. It's not one of the choices. Some people. You. Others. Are you a political guy?

Do you know anything about politics? I try to stay out of politics. I try to stay out of it. I got friends on both sides. What kind of podcast do you listen to? Because sometimes that can be a hint. Oh, what the hell. Kill Tony. What kind of podcast do you listen to? Because sometimes that can be a hint. Oh, Kill Tony, the Joe Rogan Experience,

the Milo's Yenianopolis Experience. So you have friends on both sides? I got friends on both sides. I don't want to, listen, I played college baseball. Some have tiki torches, some aren't carrying them. Yes, some people have, they all have tiki torches. It's just different that they have them. Different reasons.

What's going on with this mic now? Do you wanna switch back? So I didn't switch at all. You never switched? No. Switch? So who? The person holding one right in front of your face. New mic, who dis?

It's Scott, and I need your money. You're me now? I'm you. Ladies and gentlemen of Salt Lake City, it's Scott Aukerman. I need your help. I'm coming to you. I wouldn't just come to you for no reason, okay? You all support me.

You're all here. You're all supporting me in this high school gymnasium. I need you to support me in one more way. Can you guess what it is? You think it is, you think it's money. But what it actually is, is licking the crease between the bottom of my butt cheek and the top of my thigh. Again, this is Scott Alkerman talking to you. Text stop to unsubscribe.

Scott, I'm so sorry to say, but Mormons don't have sex. So unfortunately, a lot of these people aren't going to go home and lick each other's assholes like you want them to. I did not say assholes. I would never disrespect these Mormon people like that. I did not say assholes. I said thigh crease.

Now, if your tongue slips, what? that thigh crease. Now if your tongue slips, what? You're just trying to get to the tongue slipping. It's not up to me. I have friends on both sides of the ass. Left cheek, right cheek. Left cheek, right cheek. Left cheek, right cheek.

Everybody, left cheek, right cheek. And those of you who didn't do it, I know you're the main ones licking ass. Your trap worked. Gotcha. I shoulda put my hands on a Dr. Pepper t-shirt. No, that doesn't say that. Oh man, we were just talking about this.

No, that says- No, it's Dr. Peck-Pec. Dr. Peck-Pec. Don't know what that is. Dr. Pepper t-shirt. No, that doesn't say that. Oh man, we were just talking about this. No, that says- No, it's Dr. Peck Peck. Dr. Peck Peck. I don't know what that is. Dr. Peck- Is that what it's called when you put the coffee creamer inside of it? Do you guys drink that?

Do you drink the coffee creamer inside of the Dr. Pepper with a little bit of lime juice? Raise your hands if you do that. Thank you so much. You people specifically, I need your help. It was only 10 people. 10 donations is more than zero. For just one cup of Dr. Pepper with coffee creamer

and lime juice in it, you could be saving this country's democracy. Joe Biden was caught in a wrestling match that he did not expect to be in. And he hurt his ankle. Oh my God. His ankle? He hurt in. And he hurt his ankle. Oh my God. He hurt his ankle. He twisted his ankle.

It's light. It's a light spray. He's okay. But he also has COVID. No! He got it again since he tested negative today? Well, he was deemed negative today. Right. And then the wrestling match, when he hurt his ankle, it kind of opened up a blood vessel that got back in. Oh no.

Yeah. Who was he fighting in there? Huh? Who was he fighting? Roman Reigns. Captain America. That's a tough bout. And now he needs your money. Speaking of bout, are you bout to take out your wallet

and send me some money? Joe Biden needs your help. Text off to unsubscribe. me some money. Joe Biden needs your help. Check, stop, down, subscribe. Scott, I have to go. What? You just got out here. I have to go. No, please stay. Please. The altitude sickness, we're so high up. We are so high up right now.

They're used to it. We're new here. They're used to it. We are new here. We're new to it. We're new here. They're used to it. We are new here. We're new in town. New friend in town Joy come lately Oh new friend in town Everybody loves him

Everybody loves him When you got a ride When you got a ride New friend in town New friend in town. Home. Text stop to unsubscribe. Alamoni Tony.

Yes, hello. You're used to giving money away. Yes, fellow, yes I am. This is Kamala Harris. Oh, hello. My friend Joe Biden needs you. Is that so? Keep me out of it.

My friend Joe Biden needs your help, alimony, Tony, for just one alimony payment. That's not bad. Not bad at all. You're going to be doing 69 of them right now. It's a lot of money, though. It's a lot of money. Yeah.

That should be going to an ex-wife. But what if it went to democracy? I've got friends on both sides. Is this Kamala still? Kamala has friends on both sides? No, this is Scott Alkermann. Scotty, what's happening? Hey! Scott, who are your friends on both sides? I'd love to know. Comedians. Comedians? Tim Dillon.

That's it? That's my only friend. He flip flops a lot. Scott, I gotta go. Okay, no. Please, stay here. I have to catch a train at the Union Pacific Station. You can't just throw out

local references for applause. Union Pacific. Woo! This city has a train station. Woo! Where are you headed, Feli? I am hauling lumber back into this country's lumber towns.

Where did it come from? Lumber town. And you're saying you packed them? The towns where lumberjacks live. Right. And what I need to get there is coal. Okay. And coal costs money.

Right. Sabrina Carpenter, you have plenty of it. That's right. So Scott, if you could donate. The fake out got me again. Look, I'm sorry. I'm not going to donate anything. I mean, I don't even think that you really know Joe Biden. What? Me?

Have you ever met Joe Biden? Me? Who? No, you. I'm talking about you. Me? Yes, you, stop asking me. No, you. Man, please. Me and Joe Biden go way back.

When's the last time you saw Joe Biden? I named his nickname, I named his middle name. I named him Joseph Robinette. His mother asked me, I can't, I cannot think of a middle name for this person. But I expect she called her kid a person. I cannot think of a nickname. I cannot think of a middle name for this person.

She was flip-flopping between nicknames and middle names. Yeah. She settled on middle name. Yeah. His nickname is Chucky. Chucky? Not after nickname is Chucky. Chucky? Not after the famous Chucky. Chucky what?

Either cheese or the doll. Not Chucky. What'd you say? Chunky. Chunky? His nickname is Chunky? Please do not disparage my good friend Charles Entertainment Cheese. Speaking of.

I have friends on both sides. And Charles Entertainment, he is on one of those sides. You take a guess what it is. Alright, fairly long fellow everyone, fairly long fellow. I have to go. I have to leave. Please stay, please stay. Alright, I'll stay. But only for a little bit longer. Only for a little bit longer. I mean, I'm like a golden retriever around here. That's it? We only have a little bit. I'm sorry. Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt your fucking show.

Sir, please. I'm looking for my two fucking golden retrievers. Has anybody seen them? No, don't clap for me. I'm not part of this nonsense. No, it's fine. Has anybody seen him? You guys seen two? I'm missing my two fucking golden retrievers. What kind of aisle is this?

Goes nowhere. This guy is spreading his legs like he wants me to come and exit right there. That's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. That's not the type of, what kind of town is this? You're spreading your legs for me.

Not tonight. Hey, oh sorry, you got a question? Oh, okay, hi. Jesus fucking Christ. Sorry, sir. I got a job to do right now. I'm looking for my two golden retrievers. Sir, we're in the middle of a show.

We don't have time. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt. Because my two dogs aren't more important than your fucking show. From what I'm looking at back there, I was back there for a minute. This doesn't look like a show. It looks like you're just fucking around on stage. A show is rent. Go see Rent. What is a show?

What are you guys doing? Four hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. I don't think you're going to be able to do that. Go see Rent! What is that show? What are you guys doing? Six hundred minutes! I don't think so. I don't think so. No, my hometown, Medford, Massachusetts, they did a

Yeah, okay. What? What? Wait, is that Pudge? Yeah, my name is Pudge. I'm looking for my two golden retrievers. Scott Aukerman, Comedy Bang Bang, you've interrupted our show before. Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you doing here in Salt Lake City? What am I doing? I'm looking for my two golden retrievers. Sweet Caroline, sweet Caroline. Oh, fuck off. No, come on. That's not what this is about. This Caroline. Oh, fuck off. No, come on. That's not what this is about. This is about fun.

And they come into America. And I haven't found them yet. I've been on a hunt looking for them. And I'm sorry if it's interrupting your entertainment. But that's- Yeah, it's okay, Pudge. We can look for your, has anyone seen these two golden retrievers here?

Anybody seen them? No, don't back at me. No, this is serious. My wife is pissed at me. Can you imagine someone loses their dog and says, have you seen my dog? And you go, roof roof. Yeah, that hurts.

What the fuck, dude? My baby's been kidnapped. Goo goo goo. I have a... My wife... My wife is livid. You're married? She's, yes I'm married.

This has never come up, Pudge. It absolutely has. Go, you know, listen to some of the things I've interrupted. It's definitely come up. I am married and she's a beautiful woman. Hey, she's a big woman. Keep talking. She's a beautiful woman. She's a big a big woman. She's a beautiful woman. She's a big, beautiful woman and I love her.

You love your curvy wife. She got two cats last week to try to replace the golden retriever. What are the names? What? What are the names? Alamoni Tony, a comedy bagman guest. Alamoni Tony, nice to meet you.

Yeah, well she's a big Bruce Springsteen fan, so they have different names. Also they have different names. They have different names. Do you want to take a guess? Yeah, let me guess. Bruce and Springsteen. Dancing in the dock. Sure. Dancing in his... that's a little black and white cookie. Right.

And born in the USA. Little piece of shit shit that thing gets into a lot of trouble bad news is they're lost already they're lost the door open hey you know what's a great idea everybody put some fucking stairs up to the stage so I don't have to linger here no Pudge we don't want you like a goddamn mania what Hey. What are we in? Are we in a goddamn YMCA? Does this come is there a pool in here? What is this show? Hey. You think there's a retractable floor like in It's a Wonderful Life where there's a pool in here? I don't know. I'm not your fucking manager. Climb on those speakers or whatever they are. Oh, just climb. Like I'm not a 22 year old kid. All right.

Pudge, everyone. Pudge is here. That was mostly me. Admit it. Admit it. That was mostly me. As harrowing as that was to watch, it went better than I thought it was going to. Yeah.

It's nice to see you guys. Go on with your show. I'm going to go ahead and say, I'm going to watch it went better than I thought it was going to. Yeah it's nice to see you guys. Go on with your show. Is this this is all open right? This is free to use? Yeah. Until about 7 a.m. when the principal comes. This is a fucking school? Yeah. All right, I'm gonna take a leak back here. No, Pudge, please, please. Oh, shut the fuck up. I've got, take a quick little leak.

Hey, don't take, don't take. No. Let me give everyone a view. That's not, you don't need to. Don't, don't take, you're not one of those leakers that takes your pants all the way down, why? What's that? Why take your pants all the way down? Why not? You can almost see the crease. Oh Jesus! Please sir! Now you can. So the crease is this crease right there? Yes, that's the crease.

Can you point out the crease first? Hey, can everybody, please, can everybody whistle right now? Everybody whistle! The Andy Griffin theme song. There it is. There it is. That's that good, thick stream I was looking for. Okay. I feel like there has to be some decency laws in this town. We are in violation now.

Are we going gonna get arrested? I'm not getting arrested. Is that legal? I'm friends with the president. Is that legal what I just did? You exposed yourself in a children's school. Yeah. You are now on the offender list.

You are going to jail. You are going to jail, period. This has been hot. Finish putting on your pants before you come in here. Please just sit down Pudge. Button up your pants, belt, everything. This is the problem, you know, you guys are sitting here doing this show and you're gazing off into the distance, you know, and you're not worried about what I have to do, huh? Finding my goldens. Do you care?

I mean, you've been coming on this show for years at this point. You haven't found them in between us meeting each other. Oh, so I should just give up? At this point, I mean, they've been gone for how long at this point? They've been gone for a good four or five years. Have you tried putting up flyers?

Have I tried? That's all I've done. I've been everywhere in the United States putting up flyers. You haven't seen one of my flyers? No. Well, they're everywhere. They say lost dogs, and then it gives a phone number, 310-980-4053. That's a good number. The phone number 310-980-4053.

It's a good number. And people have called in with leads. I'll be honest, they've called in with leads, they've sent some pictures. It sounds like a real phone number, that's for sure. Yeah. Yeah, and people are always like, hey, you're from Medford, fucking Massachusetts,

why do you have a California number? Yeah, why is that? Fuck off. You know what? It's T-Mobile, they have no rules. It's anarchy there. Yeah. Pull your pants up.

No, what are you doing with your pants now? Pull your pants up. What do you have there? What's in your pocket? I'm eating an Uncrustable. I'm sorry. Anybody want one? I'm eating an Uncrustable. I'm sorry. Anybody want one?

Go fuck yourselves. Go buy your own fucking Uncrustables. What am I going to bring? A hundred Uncrustables up on stage? Have you had one of these? No, what are they? Try a bite. No.

Don't be a fucking donkey. Try a bite. Scott, don't be a donkey. Don't be a fucking donkey. Try a bite. Scott, don't be a donkey. Don't be a donkey. Try a bite of the uncrustable. That was so close to everything that I just saw. Scott's not a donkey. He's an elephant. He's one of my friends on the other side.

Not bad. You took it from the wrong side. Not bad. You took it from the wrong side. That's what she said? I didn't say anything. Sorry. So it's just like a PB and J that's been smashed? Yeah, it's like, it's uncrustable. Fucked.

It's like, it's an unbelievable sandwich. It simply cannot be crusted. Okay? Hell no. No, I saw you touching your dick, and then you touched that, and then you gave it to Scott, and Scott ate it.

So in a lot of ways, in a lot of ways, you just ate a little piece of my dick. In a lot of ways, I'm saying. You know? I guess I didn't really think about the chain of custody before I took that bite. Sorry. It's all right. What do all these people, do these people pay to see you? I don't know.

I hope not. Everybody here won a radio giveaway. It looks like. Ha ha ha ha. They all tried to win a car and ended up here. Try Mitt Romney's super cheddar turkey bites. Available now at Starbucks. You guys paid, you guys paid for this.

Every single one of you, whether you believe it or not, or whether you want to face it, you're going home tonight and you're going to get in bed and be like, eh. Unless you lick that crease. And then you're going to go, yum. What's in your other pocket? You have another one in there? How is he housing these without any milk? And then you're gonna go, yum. What's in your other pocket? You have another one in there?

How is he housing these without any milk? You wanna give that one away? What are you gonna do? Hey, no, that guy's leaving. Hey, where are you going? Where are you going? Bro. That guy brought earphones to put on

when he was like, I don't like this. His hat is lighting up. You ready? Are you ready for this? He's just turned on his hat. Here we go, hold that. Can you catch? Wait, wait, wait, I have an idea.

I have an idea. The guy who's spreading his legs. Sir, get back to spreading your legs. Let me see if I can. Can you hit his dick from here? No, sir, get out of the line of fire. Not you. That guy wants me to skip rocks right over him.

Extra points if you get it in his asshole. Now he wants to see it. Now he's like, oh no, I better get back to my seat. Alright, hold on. I'm going to put this down, whatever this is. I don't even know what that thing is. Oh! So close. So close. Not bad at all. So close. We're so close to raising enough money. Now he's got to watch. He'll eat it in one bite. One bite? He's a fucking man. Oh. In three or four bites. Three or four bites. Sir, I'm so sorry you were supposed to touch your dick first. No, I got it. I touched it. You touched it. Okay, good. This is the first night of a very long engagement. Is that correct? Yes, it's the first night of two weeks. Okay.

Involving a lot of travel, maybe not a lot of sleep. Yep. And this is the first night? This is the first night. Okay, you guys do this more than once? Pudge, we've seen you on this tour. I don't remember. To be honest, I go to every Lodge community outing.

I go to concerts. Last night I was at a Van Halen concert looking for him. Van Halen is not around anymore. Then I don't know who the fuck I watched for two hours. They were singing Van Halen songs. It might be Sammy Hagar. He's out there on the road right now with- Never heard of him.

Never heard of him. Guy, imagine the people in the back row of this, how disappointed they are. They're not even, look at them back there. They're sad. Well, that wasn't what I expected. They're happy, actually. But they were gonna back up.

People love this, right? I guess. This is comedy. Stop downplaying it. I'm not downplaying it. I'm not gonna ask for refunds. I'm not. And with those refunds, you can donate to save democracy. I'm sorry, I'm grumpy, okay?

Why are you grumpy? You're, who are you, him? Who am I, what? Alimony Tony, he was grumpy at the beginning of the show? I was grumpy at the beginning of the show. He asked you a question. Now happy as a cloud. I do feel better.

You guys are fun to hang out with. Do you want to go out after this show, maybe? Where, where, where do you want to go? I don't know. Let's go get fucking Hammett It's easy to do in Salt Lake City because all the beers are like 1.2 percent alcohol That's true. Did you know that is that a little or is that too much? That's a little do you know, without exaggeration, I can drink 66 Cozlights in an hour.

That's not exaggerating. Here or elsewhere? Anyway, well here especially. I could probably drink four or 500. Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City, my man. Don't touch me with your peanut butter hands. That's the worst thing on his hands?

They're peanut butter and Dane Hale and Hale hands. Peanut butter hands. I feel like, peanut butter. Maybe Sham, maybe Sham Hale-en would be a good name for a Van Halen cover band. Might as well sit down. They just sing the opposite of every Van Halen song? You'll get it later.

Skipping with God. Skipping with God. It might not have been Van Halen. Yeah, I don't think it was. It might not have been, I don't know. I don't think it was. It might have been Bonnie Raitt. Bonnie Raitt? That's very different.

Bonnie, you're gonna sit here and look me straight in the eye and tell me Bonnie Raitt and Van Halen are different? Similar haircuts. Very similar. Very similar to everything. Pull your pants up, sir. I'm trying, but you put this device in my hand. It looks like a Bill Cosby over there.

I love Bill Cosby. Love him. Love him. Family man. Family man. Good guy. What are you? I've got it good. So good. I'm not attracted to my teacher. I'm cold for the channel though. You happy? You happy? I'm all dressed up again. I hope I'm not offending anyone anymore.

Alright? I'm sorry. I'm just... Columbia! Do you think the dogs are dead? They gotta be dead at this point. Alimony? I've thought about it.

And it does make me very sad. And I don't know, you know, maybe, maybe part of what I'm doing is just I'm searching for something other. Maybe I'm searching for something other than the dogs. Maybe the dogs never existed. Okay, I wasn't going that far. You think the dogs never... Maybe I'm not married. Maybe I'm not from Boston.

Hey Pudge. Yeah. Feeling blue? Try Taggart Romney's new sweet cream mochaccino blasters. It'll make you wonder if you should have been named Taggart. I'm on board. I'll try that right now. Where do I get one?

I'm on board. Starbucks. Starbucks that right now. Where do I get one? I'm on board. Starbucks. Starbucks. Right next to the big church. Dude. They have Dunkin' out here? They have Dunkin' out here? You're... Do they? Yeah.

Okay. Settle down. Nobody asked. You just... Did we just hear that maybe you're not even from Medford? I don't know. Look where I am. I never thought I'd be famous. You're... You're not. You're just a guy who interrupted the show. Well, that's a...

I did read a book once when I was studying stand-up and acting. I read a book and it said you have to be aggressive and go in place. So maybe this is how I became famous Maybe this is it. Huh? Hey, right? No, no, no Hey put the music on I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he, I'm a he But he looks so cute Drop drop my finger And I got this one more And he won't stop calling

My honey please Gotta get this bought in Everybody put your pants down around your ankle Everybody put your pants down Don't do it again Don't do it again Don't do it for ya Long been a dream king, true to the life Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Don't do it again. Don't do it again. Don't do it again. Don't do it again. Don't do it again. Don't do it again.

All right, cut the music, cut the music. I've been a dream king, triveted by a. Cut the music. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? One brisk round of musical chairs. All right. So we need to take one chair away. Let's take one away.

I'll take this one away. Can we go over the rules? Yes, I believe what happens is, we walk around the chairs in a circle. Yeah. Do we walk one direction? One direction, we walk one direction. Okay.

Your voice got very serious. One direction, Scott, one direction. I really wanna win. I really wanna win. And then when the music stops, you race to sit in a chair. If you don't make it to a chair, you are eliminated. Yeah, okay, a little bit more,

because this is really intense and I want to win. Tie stakes. Tie stakes. Me is special. We pulled two, yeah, two this way. Leave these this way. Oh, wow. I think the chairs have to be closer together.

And. We're never gonna play. There we go. This look good? This is dangerous. Okay. Walk or this way. Walk or run?

We should skip. You say so. We should skip? We should skip. Okay, we'll skip. You say so. We should skip? We should skip. Okay, we'll skip. Oh no! I'm out! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Alemany Tony ceased to exist! Wow, so now we take another one away. Alright, take another one. I'll take this one. Okay, here we go. I think I bruised my arm. I'm very tired. Okay, clockwise.

Not yet. Think about me every night. Oh, I still feel you still think about me. Every night, oh, let's not be special. Think about it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's not fair. That's not fair. Boom.

Boom. Oh, come on. Fairleigh is out. OK. I may have lost, but the fight is not lost. Joe Biden is still in this. Donate. Text stop to unsubscribe.

Very tired. Not here. Think about me every night. Oh. Think about me every night. Oh. That's not me espresso. Think about me every night oh Think about me espresso Think about me every night Think about me espresso Think about me every night

Think about me espresso Think about me espresso Oh my god Oh there he goes! Not a step. No it was fun while it fucking lasted. Pudge has jumped off the stage. Honestly, I'm not a child. I'm not a step. No, it was fun while it fucking lasted. Pudge has jumped off the stage. Honestly, I'm not a child.

Why are we fucking playing these? I'm out of here, you guys. Alright, Pudge. No. Sounds like a sore loser. Sore loser, Pudge. Sore loser. Hey.

Sore loser. No, I didn't lose. I didn't lose. Sore loser. Not here. If you found me every night old Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, No! It's not worth it! Sabrina Carpenter wins! Paz Amias, Ressa! Winner gets to burn the school down. Alright, that's our show everybody. Thank you so much for coming out.

We love you.