Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Live from SXSW 2025 - Lauren Lapkus, Lisa Gilroy, James Adomian

Episode Date: April 3, 2025

For this week's Bonus Bang, we are releasing a live episode from behind the paywall at CBB World. Live from South By Southwest on March 8th, 2025 - Scott welcomes to the stage Pamela from Big Bear, Nana, and the richest man in the world - Elon Musk!Special thanks to Esther's Follies!Unlock the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang live shows at cbbworld.com! Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome to another Bonus Bang. Bonus Bangs being of course little bonus episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. Usually they are episodes that have previously come out that were trotting out from back behind the paywall. But this is a very special bonus bang because this week we're releasing a live episode that we just recorded about a month ago. This was from South by Southwest this year. It was recorded on March 8th of this year with myself. We have Lauren Lapkus as Pamela from Big Bear. We have Lisa Gilroy as Nana. And we have the return of James Zadomian. James Zadomian came and did Elon Musk for us. So this was a

very fun episode to do out there in Austin, Texas. This was the, I believe the last time that we're going out to do South by Southwest, which is something that I started, I don't know, 15, 16 years or so ago, the comedy there. So this is a bittersweet ending to a great run of Comedy Bang Bang performances that we've done at this venue at Esther's Follies out there during South by Southwest. Now, I hope you enjoy it. If you did enjoy it and you want more live episodes,

as well as every single episode we've ever done, live and studio, become a subscriber at Comedy Bang Bang World, where we have every single one of them, as well as a whole lot of other great shows, bonus content, ad-free episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Freedom, so much more. Just head over to CBBWorld.com and subscribe.

We're gonna be back Monday with a new episode. Until then, enjoy this week's Bonus Bang! Comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, bang, bang, comedie, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, Oh. Oh. What the fuck is going on here? Sit down. Hello, South by Southwest. How are you? Hold on, I have to do this first. Oh, fuck. You can party with Chewie or hang out with Worf, but you haven't lived till you face- face hugged my friend the Xenomorph.

Nope. Yep. Nope. I agree. Nope. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you. Yes. Thank you to Stapler's Monster for that catchphrase submission. Thank you so much. Not going to stick. Hello. Oh my God. Is it really wise to see the front row people last? It is. Oh, okay, thank you very much for your answer. I appreciate that. Hello.

What are you showing me? That's a vibrator? Please, sir. Please put it back. Put it into your personal belongings. Oh, Jesus Christ. How's everyone doing at South By? This is day two.

I don't know if anyone knows this, but I believe 18 years ago, a man named Charlie Sotelo called me up and said he heard I was a person who knew comedians and put stuff together, and he wondered if he and I could put together South by Southwest comedy. It had not been a thing before then. We started this 18 years ago.

Whoo! And what that gets you is the Plum Saturday at 4 p.m. slot. What the fuck? How many of you out there know what comedy bang bang is? Have listened to it? Oh, okay. Well, thank Jesus. Let me explain it though for the uninitiated. Essentially, it's a talk show. First of all, before we even get into that,

it is the three most exciting words in the English language, live podcast taping. Oh my goodness, you're in for a treat. It's essentially a talk show. I'm the host of the talk show. I have several guests on the show. We're gonna bring them out one at a time. I'm going to interview them. We're all gonna have a really good time.

Well, let me tell you who's coming up on the show today. We have a resident of a town. We have an elderly woman. And we have someone who works in the government. So this is an exciting show. You have really made the right decision. What else is there happening at 4 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon, other than just getting drunk out here on one of the bars. On one of the bars? As I passed one of the bars, there was a gentleman who he saw some ladies walking down the street and he said to them,

hey, come on inside, we have something that we just invented, it's called alcohol. I'm glad to be back, Austin. Well, we have a great show. Are you guys ready for this? This is so exciting to be talking to these people. Let me bring out our first guest. I mentioned we have a resident of a town. Now, how many of you live in a town?

So you'll have a lot in common with this woman. She hails from a town in California. Please welcome to the stage Pamela from Big Bear. What's up? What's up? What's up? It's 4 o'clock, bitches. Where's your vibrators at?

Bring them on now. I want everybody masturbating. What's going on Scott I think he's taking you at your word he's reaching for his bag tell me about it what's the brand on that motherfucker last one plus one plus one yeah cuz you get one okay let me just go for one more. And then that motherfucker dies. That's how it goes. For two orgasms.

You get one orgasm and then it dies. No, it's good for one. So good to see you, Pamela. Women can only come once. In their lives? Ever. I did mine 20 years ago. Dry, dry, dry.

Dry, dry. What's the driest thing you can do? Dry, dry, dry. Dry, dry. Dry, dry. Dry, dry. Dry, dry. Dry, dry. Dry, dry. Dry, Dry, dry, dry. Dry, dry. What's the driest thing you can think of?

The Sahara Desert? Think harder! Your pussy? There you go. It coughs at night. It's Thursday. What? Water, water everywhere, not a drudgery. Panel, it's so wonderful to talk to you. It's so wonderful.

I'm having a great time in Austin. What are you doing here in Austin? Getting trashed out of my fucking gourd. I'm at the hottest guys walking down 6th Street. Everybody wants to fuck me. And I did it. You did? Oh, really?

So you've? When someone offers, it's rude to decline. So you've had coitus several times. I've had coitus. Where did you go to school? Nerd.com. I got my degree from nerd.com. With a master's in loserly behavior. Found it.

All right, got it, saved it. Got it, found it. But what, I understand that while you're here, you're engaging in extramarital activities. Are you married? I can't remember. I'm not, I'm not at this time. You're not at this time, you were?

Not at this time, no I never have been. Okay, great. And I'm not right now. You're not, do you have designs to be married? Well, if I dream wedding, I thought all about it. Yeah, don't you think about that? My dream wedding? I had it 20 years ago.

Oh. Oh. And what was that like? Don't tell my wife about it. Did you kiss the bride? I did kiss the bride. That's a big part of my plan. To kiss your bride?

I mean, just to be kissed. I hope that happens, didn't it? I've never kissed. You've... to be kissed, I hope that happens, isn't it? I've never kissed. You've... I mean, you've done oral, right? That's a big assumption.

That's kinda like kissing. No, I've done oral, I've done oral. It's kinda like kissing, you just... Dicks don't kiss back. Yeah, anywho. I want that on a pillow. Yeah. Yeah. I'll stitch that for you. I'll stitch it with my hair. But in any case, I know you're, while you're here, you're out there on these streets. I'm out there on these streets.

But what is the purpose of your visit? Well, it feels good to be out. It feels good to be free. I was recently kidnapped, so I'm feeling very free. Why would someone kidnap you? Do you have loved ones? They were trying to leverage your. I don't know. No, I think it was just

I was their plaything. It was my neighbor come to find out the whole time I was underground, I was right by my very own trailer They had me in a sewer do you know what a sewer smells like Scott bad shit in piss I Was those are the two primary things that go in sewers. Occasionally come.

Well, okay. You stand over a sewer and jack off, you fucking freak. Trying to save toilet water. I don't think anyone is standing over sewers to shit and piss either. Pennywise. Yeah, that's a good point. He jerks off right into them. He does. I've seen it too. He jerks off right into them. He does.

I've seen it too. You know his brother? He put me in a little raincoat. And he told me to stand under while it rained. Well let me tell you something. Hold this balloon. What? No rain. Yeah, I held a balloon too.

You know his brother, Pound Foolish? Does he fuck crazy? He only does it backwards. That's not doggy style, you know. Backwards, you know what that is? Is when both people, when you go to a house of mirrors, both people face butt to butt with a dildo on and go pay your four. Double sided of course.

You asked! I barely did. You said, do you know what it is? You asked. Well, you said I don't. Implying, go on, ma'am. Anyway the kidnapping was rough. So you were kidnapped.

Yeah, it was bad. And you were used as a plaything. I could only eat s'mores. That doesn't sound that bad. Well they were a special kind. I could only eat s'mores. That doesn't sound that bad. Well, they were a special kind. What was in the s'mores? So the graham cracker was cardboard. Go on.

The chocolate was shit. I don't want to know what the marshmallow is, but I feel like you're going to tell me. Almond Joy. So nasty. All the kids throw that out on Halloween. Is it the coconut? Yeah. It's the coconut. They don't like that part. Too mature of a flavor. Anyway, that's all I ate. Oh man, I was shitting bricks and then they made me build my house out of them. Much like the third little pig.

And I had to tell that story every night. To them? To the kidnapper. Yeah, who I fell in love with. Due to Stockholm Syndrome. But he was beautiful. What did he look like? He looked like Brad Pitt.

If Brad Pitt was the guy from that movie Mask. Yeah. He had a Quentin Tarantino movie personality. And you didn't recognize him as your neighbor who apparently lived in a house next to a trailer? He lived in a trailer too. Oh, okay. But he had an underground basement?

Yeah. We never talked much. How much do you talk to your an underground basement? Yeah, yeah, we never talked much. How much do you talk to your neighbors? You get out there and you interact with them much, do you? You talk to your neighbors a lot? Sure, yeah, I mean, we're one big neighborhood family. What do they like to do? What are they interested in?

Yeah, I don't think you talk to them. But this guy was- Are you allowed to talk to your neighbors? I don't know. Are you allowed to live in your neighbors? I don't know. Are you allowed to live in your neighborhood? I guess you're allowed to live, you just have to report it. I just like the idea of this gentleman, I guess, who looked like Rocky Denison, is that his name?

Sure. From the movie Mask? Digging underground underneath this trailer for a long time to build a basement. He spent many, many years doing that. and he was eyeing me the whole time. I was very flattered, ultimately, you know. He was eyeing me the whole time? He was eyeing me the whole time on my IMDB. I have a lot of credits.

Yeah, you're on my TV show. Yeah, and they started putting porn on there, so mine really blew up. My star meter's crazy. What was the thinking behind putting porn on IMDB? It's so crazy. Secrets figure out who it porn on IMDb? It's so crazy. Secrets figure out who it was. Do they really do that?

They do. Oh. Thought I made that up and believed it. Well, all right. Yeah. I've never been paid for my actions. Let's be clear. Sure.

I actually don't have much of a job or income at all. Yeah, what do you do? I'm a little stressed about the coin right now. Yeah, the coin of the realm. What exactly do you do for money? Well, it's a lot of checking in with people, mooching a little bit, mooching here, mooching there, getting a dollar where I can, asking for a little something,

something. So that being said, I'd love $200,000 to $3,000 if you got it. From me? From you, because you probably got it. From me? From you, because you probably got it. That's a cute little pin there. What's that guy?

Who's that little freak? You wear a rhinestone pin? This is interesting character detail. Okay, this is something they made me wear to get into this venue. I think that just happened to you. But they brought me in through the underground part. Oh.

Yeah, I only travel that way these days. Underground, really? Yeah, well I was out, I walked in the streets a little bit, then someone pushed me into the sewer, they knew where I'm supposed to be. Do you have any crack cocaine? I'm out. I, yeah. Okay, you're out.

What was the last time you did crack? Be honest. To be honest, I'm kind. I, yeah. You're out. You haven't, when was the last time you did crack? Don't be honest. To be honest, I'm kind of norm core. I've never done crack. Snooze alert. You get an alert for when you're supposed to snooze? It's like one of those amber alerts for boredom. My phone goes crazy, my jitterbug.

I have a jitterbug, I pay $20. It only calls the hospital. They'll connect you to whoever you want, don't you worry. What is the purpose of waking you up when you're bored? Like having an alert on your phone to say, you're bored now. Keep it interesting. You should never let your mind atrophy, Scott.

Do you ever do that? Let my mind atrophy? Yeah. Occasionally. I consider myself an autodidact. I like to learn and teach myself. I'm learning all about their origins of buttons right now. The origins of buttons.

Yes, and we didn't always have them, see? Sure. We used to have to hold our clothes, hold our clothes closed with our hands. Hold our clothes closed with our hands. Hold our clothes. Hand our clothes. Hand our clothes. Hands with our clothes.

Okay. Couldn't do two things at once, you see, and I'm a multitasking kinda cunt. 15 minutes in, okay. I almost said it as my first word, but then I held back. I didn't know if there were a lot of tech bros here who might get scared. Tech bros say, what? All right, good.

So what was invented first? Was it the button? Was it the zipper? Was it Velcro? They first invented Velcro. Then they did the zipper. Then they thought, let's make this harder and do buttons. Yeah. And if you're going through the history of the button, what is the purpose of having buttons on different sides for different genders? You know what it is?

And there's a whole book about that. So men like to operate with their left because their right hand's for jerking off, and it's weaker, and women jerk off with vibes, and so both hands are fine, and it's easier to put a button on the other side. There's a whole book about this. There's a book about that.

I summed it up for you. Saved you about four days. I'm a slow reader. I summed it up for you. Saved you about four days. I'm a slow reader. So are you speaking? Are you giving any talks while you're here? Yeah, I'm doing a Ted talk. You're doing a Ted talk? I'm doing a Ted talk at the convention center tonight.

What's the topic? How to get your pussy as dry as fuck. I know all about it. I'm an expert. So you intentionally do it? Yes. I try to see what happens in a new environment. When you change the environment of your personal terrarium, things change, a new species inhabits. Tarantulas. You know a lot of big words for someone who... Tarantula's a big word to you? I mean how many syllables is it? Tarantula. That's two buddy. Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench?

Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench?

Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench?

Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Trench? Have you, speaking of which. I've been abducted by aliens.

Obviously, is that what you're gonna say? Well yeah, or a cryptid of some sort. I know I'm psychic. A cryptid, yeah it was more of a cryptid. It didn't go into space. Okay, where did you go? We just went into a forest and it fondled me. Much to my pleasure.

It was hot. What kind of a creature was it? Was it furry? It was weird, it was of a creature was it? Was it furry? It was weird. It was like it had a big green head and all these little eyes and it was wearing a trench coat and it had on boots that were high and tight and it had on little booty shorts. And when it lifted its mask, it looked just like my neighbor. Why do you still live next to this guy? It's not easy to drive away, you know?

Have you been out of gas this entire time? I've been Bear, everyone. Yay. Yay. Pamela from Big Bear. Oh, my water spilled. Oh, no. Don't. Oh, no. The cords. Don't let the microphone hit it.

Saved it. What if we all were electrocuted right here in front of everyone? I would be so relieved. Well, I decided to have probably the craziest panel of all time here for our South by Southwest show. Our next guest is a relative of mine. I have so many great relatives who are on this show. I have a nephew, Todd, who's on the show. Our next guest is a relative of mine. I have so many great relatives who are on this show. I have a nephew, Todd, who's on the show. I don't know. I never heard of it.

I don't listen to this program. How did you ever even come to be on the show? You know how you found me. We don't need to tell all these nice people at four o'clock. He's a sick, nasty, nasty man. And he found me and he tied me up in his trunk. You really want me to tell him? You keep saying, go on, go on.

He tied me up in his trunk. He said, do my little show. I'll pay you in coins. I said, okay. He said, but the only rule is you got to live with me. And that's the one rule. That's the one thing you broke. You never let me stay overnight.

He says no kissing and you gotta go before midnight. Gremlins rules. Yeah, you don't kiss gremlins, you don't know what's gonna go on. All right, well I do have a relative coming to the stage. As I mentioned, she's an elderly woman. Please welcome my Nana, everyone. Whoa.

Nana, everyone. Oh, thank you, Nana. Wow, your Nana's a nice lady. Oh, no. Oops. Oh! Oh Scott, I love you so much. Can I put this here?

I don't know. Oh, your nan is a nice lady. She made me feel better for spilling mine. And hopefully- Happy Thanksgiving, Scott. Happy Thanksgiving, Nana. Thank you for inviting me for dinner with you and your girlfriend. Oh, it's not official.

It's not official. I don't kind of anything. Oh, Scott, make it official. Please, you're a lonely man. Does anyone know about electricity, whether this is a danger to us? I know about electricity. I was alive the year it was invented, boy.

Don't make me spank the daylight out of you. Electricity is invented by, well, one man named Tesla. Tesla, that's a... Electricity is invented by, well, one man named Tesla. Oh, Tesla, that's a... Tesla, he was an old lover of mine. He would shuffle his feet on the carpet and stick his dick on the doorknob. That sounds fun. And I wish the same for the both of you.

Hey, I'll deal with my clit and see what happens, Scott. Sign me up. We just need some shag carpeting. That's exactly right. Oh, Scott, you better marry this one. I'm already married, Nana. I don't know if you remember you were at the wedding. Oh, right, your wife who goes to another school. Scott, you lonely bastard. Come on, Nana. What?

I'm old, I'm confused. I love to see the staff mobilizing to keep us out of danger. That's the most exciting part, just off stage, everyone's scrambling, scurrying to try to keep us from being electrocuted. Why do you think it's turning white? It's definitely got a froth on it. It looks like your grandpa's bubble bath.

Remember how you used to slip under the water? We used to play up periscope. You would be the little submarine and you'd always piss in the water and drink it wouldn't you boy? You'd call it Scotty's hot lemonade. You were an adorable little bastard. He offered me that the other day. He still drinks it. Isn't that sweet, Nana? That's very sweet.

Did you try it? I did, it tastes like piss. Yeah. Even though it was watered down by a whole bathtub of water? No, it's still real strong. I think he eats asparagus. Stinky little boy, aren't you?

Yeah. Really wondering about how wise it was to have both of you on at the same time. Your girlfriend and your grandma? What's wrong, Scott? We've got to bring the family together at some point. It's International Women's Day after all. We've got to celebrate. It's true.

It's a good point. Who's your favorite woman? That's a great question. My mother. Oh. Well, you wouldn't have a mother without me, boy. Say something nice to your grandma before I scream. You're my father's mother. Well.

Yeah, but your mother wouldn't have made you without knowing your father's name. You gotta think about the logic. The logic. The logic. There's logic. And you gotta think about it. Now say happy International Women's Day to us

and sing the song, boy. I had no idea there was a song involved. You don't know the song. You know the song. You both know the song. Let's hear it. Of course we know the song, boy. I had no idea there was a song involved. You don't know the song. You know the song. You both know the song. Let's hear it. Of course, we know the song. Oh, you're going to put the burden on women then.

We're supposed to have the month off. Yeah, please give us the month off. Sing us the song, boy. At least start it off. Yeah, we'll start. We'll start it for you. You can take it off. I'm sure'll start. We'll start it for you. We'll start it for you. Okay, that's better. You can take it off. I'm sure I'll catch on as you go.

Women. Mm. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. At least help me along the way. Well, I'll give you a hint, dipshit. The next word is R. Women are... I'll give you a hint, too.

The word after R is amazing. And then it's the acrostic with international women say. Of course it starts with W. Women are amazing. And then you spell out I-N-T-E-R-N-A. Why does it start with W? Women are amazing. Then you go into the across thing.

International Women's Day. The I-N-T-E-R-N-A. You spell the word and so forth. I is for? International. N is for international. N is for national. T is for chanel. E is for international.

R is for international. N is for national again. He's cheating the system. That's the, that's the, that's the men's version. That's what men do. We get around the system, you know? It goes like this. Intelligence.

Stupid hendis. Trailblazers. Eternally. Upside down. right side out. Fuck them how you got them, cause the name don't count. Smoke them if you got them, women's day. Yes. That's the song.

We sing it every year at school. I suppose you don't have the woman's Christmas tree either, do you? I haven't even heard of the woman's, the women's Christmas tree? Jesus Christ. What do you do all day? Just stare at your own balls, boy. There's other people around.

Women. And we like to have our own little Christmas tree on this day. How are they decorated? Like bras or? Oh my god. Oh, like bras. It's so late.

It's OK, so you have a tree. Yes. There's a woman's head on top like a little angel. Then the tree has hands. It lifts up the bottom like a skirt. And then there's a bush underneath, like from outside. But that's her bush because she's a tree, and then she bends over, obviously.

Obviously, and a poop falls out, which is gold. You don't have that? You don't let your wife have that? You don't let your wife have that? I'm not standing in the way of my wife having that. She's never brought it up to me. Passive, passive man. I'll tell you why his wife doesn't have the tree.

She's not real. Well I never met her. Exactly, neither have I. She's a real woman Nana, I know that you weren't happy when I married her. Because you made it up boy. You're a pathological liar. That's why I'm here, the whole family is worried

about you. Oh no, it's an intervention that I stumbled upon. So you're the emissary of the entire family? Yes, on behalf of Wanda, Megan, Tina, Lidli, Billers, Danger Lee, and Grape. Even Danger Lee? Even your old crazy uncle Danger Lee. He's worried about you. Everyone knows you've got some sort of

psychosis where you think you have a radio show that doesn't exist, boy. Well tell us something true. Just to prove you're not a liar. Tell us something good. Tell me that you're nasty. Scream it like you want it. Scream like a little

piggy wants it. Just do it. I want it. Scream like a little piggy wants it. Oink oink I want it. Higher up in the register. Make it a squeal boy. I want it. I'm

satisfied. Pretty good. So tell us the truth. I'm sorry I haven't been to the family reunions, Nana. Well why don't we both tell them something true so we learn how to tell the truth. Okay yeah, tell me something true. You go first, Nanny. I lied about how electricity was created. Just now.

I don't know anything about it and I never had sex with the man who made it. Oh! Wow. That's the truth. Brave, brave arms. So you never met Nikolai Tesla? No. Wow.

Hugo. I have, well I didn't want to tell you this like this, but I guess I made it so I have to share a truth. You're the one who suggested this. I don't want, I don't want to say it. It's too upsetting. Okay then dare. Oh come on Scott, she needs a little bit of encouragement.

Dare. Yeah, dare. Dare what? Dare do. Dare do. Dare what? Dare do. Dare do. Dare do. Dare do. Dare do. Dare do.

Dare do. Dare do-dee-do-dee-do. Dare do. Well, that changed the subject. Do you double donkey dare do or to do it? I double donkey dare you to do it. Interesting you say donkey. What? I double donkey dare you to do it.

Interesting you say donkey. Well, my first time was on top of a donkey's back. First time doing what? Sheeting on a donkey. See Scott, how open and vulnerable we've been. I didn't wanna say it Scott. So now tell us the truth. Isn't Donkey from Shrek the hottest Shrek character?

I love him because in the morning he's making waffles. Like a real man. What was the last time you made breakfast for your wife? Uh, oh, that's a good question. I'm usually concerned with making breakfast for our daughter. Happy International Women's Day. She's a girl, not a woman. Oh, don't you know the difference, pervert?

See, Nana, this is why I don't like to be... High-fived you, boy. I love you. Oh, Nana. Say it back. Nana, I apologize for not being around the family. It's just this is the kind of reception I get. I feel because, you know, I'm famous,

and you guys are intimidated by me. Whoa! What? Whoa! This is what I wanted to talk to you about, Scooty. Because you see, you think you have this radio show, Comedy Bing Bong Show. OK.

You're on it right now. I'm sure I am, boy. And you tell me, oh, last week I interviewed Santa Claus or a talking pig. We're worried about your psychosis. So I spoke to a doctor who said the only way to help you was to come and participate in the Shudder Island of it all. So if that's what it takes to get through to you, then hello, I'm Wacky Peanut Butter Ketchup Man.

Is that what you want to hear? Oh, I haven't seen you in a long time. How you doing? My universe is filled with marbles. Yes. And it's on fire. Help me, Scott. That's hard to get around.

Always slipping and burning. Come on. Am I speaking your language now? To be honest, I would prefer Wacky Peanut Butter, man. Wacky Peanut Butter Ketchup, man. Oh, I'm so sorry. Those two things don't go together. That's what makes it so wacky.

Exactly. His superpower is he's disgusting. And he pisses blood. Been there. Well, I promise Nat I'll start coming back around again. And thank you for saying you love me. That means a lot to me. Imagine the response to I love you saying thank you. That means a lot.

Wow. That hurts Nanny when you say that. That hurts nanny when you say that. That hurts nanny when you say that. To be honest, you weren't around when I was growing up. The first time I met you was when you were the guest on my podcast. Nana, is that true? That's kind of crazy, bitch.

You didn't go meet your grandson for how many years? You were an ugly baby, Scott. You don't know this, but a witch came to your mother's baby shower. Got in a big fight with your mom. She said, I'm going to do something bad to that baby. I'm going to make him ugly. Three syllables. Yes.

Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. And when she did that, Scott, you were a baby most horrifying that all fled from your circle until slowly, slowly you became an ugly man. So weird that I grew out of it then and became so handsome. I know, that's why I came back. Because now you are easy on the eyes, my boy. And I'm proud of you once again.

Thank you so much, Nana. That means so much coming from someone of your stature? Yes, peanut butter ketchup man, right boy? Yes. And the first thing you need to do to save my planet is to take these pills. This is some penicillin and some proxanotolium. Let me get some of that.

For psychosis. Okay. Oh. Oh, okay. Oh no, it says on the bottle that those are going to affect you in something in a certain amount of time that is comedically appropriate. I do a lot of drugs.

I'm sure by the end of the show. I'm not gonna feel that at all. I do a lot of drugs. I'm not going to feel that at all. I'm not too worried. I do a la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Thank you so much for being there with my big moment here, returning to the festival that I started. We're gonna get your help, boy. Thank you. Nanna, everyone. Nanna's here.

Yay, Nanna. Nanna. Give it up. Give it up. Give it up, give it up, yeah. Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin. Oh, she knows the rap. Continue. What happened? I fell asleep for a moment

well we have one very special guest coming to the stage here he was just here a few days ago and he was doing a podcast here in town. That makes sense. Yep. He decided to stay a couple extra days so he could be on this show. It's very exciting. Must have some money to do something like that. He does have some money.

He in fact is the richest man alive. Please welcome Elon Musk, everyone. Whoa! Wow. Wow. Like wow. Elon Musk, everyone. You go there. And then we're like, and then we're like splintered in water, right?

Whoa. Wow, the richest man alive. It's like wow. It's like wow. Elon Musk, hello. Very cool. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm also, also, yes, yes. Greetings.

To your panel, of course. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm um, also, also, yes. Greetings, to the panel, of course. Hometown hero, Austin, Texas. It's great to be here in my hometown, that I've adopted my hometown that I'm from. You're a South African, as I recall. Very cool. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's Scott of course.

If I, if I was just a, yes, in some way, yes, I'm South African and also Canadian. So I, I'm evil but I'm very polite about it, you understand. And you know, you can be from some place and adopt another place. So you know, Austin is like, it's like, it's like it feels like home, you know, you go around and, you know, PennyCabs, for now, we're gonna get rid of them and everything, but we've already started targeting them in the Tesla navigation apps.

So cool, so cool, so many changes are happening. You wanna have, hey. Legalized comedy, right? Hey, I love that you have so much money and I'm curious if you wanna have a baby with me. Oh, that's very direct. I like a little bit of a game. I like to be the creeper.

All right, I don't like that about you and I don't wanna have a baby with you. Is there any way I can seduce you or otherwise manipulate you into having a child? Yeah, throw me over a horse and see where it takes me. I'm down for whatever, man. No, no, I'm trying to, I'm very, very, very curious.

Have you procreated yet before? I haven't, I haven't, I haven't. No, you've not. And honestly, it might be too late, buddy, but I'm down to try. I'm down to try all night. So, is it, almost, in a sense, biologically,

it's a perfect, perfectly perhaps a sample for, you know. You want my eggs? Well, of course, the price of certain eggs are more expensive than they have been in the past, of course, but I think we can blame the past administration, the communists, for that one, of course. Okay, well, you can have them. I'll give you my eggs. I have 14 and a half children that I know about.

Okay, let's make it 16.8. I like to avoid integers and whole numbers. I do like the decimal system, thank you very much. There is a bit of an escrow process if we're going to start the procreation process. So what's your favorite position? Well, my favorite position is, I like to call it a... It's a Harry Seldon position, sort of a foundation reference.

You know, foundation, like legalized comedy, like references people get, right? I have a question for you C-3PO. Oh, another woman, yes. I like to, of course, they see, of course, the women competing to see who can compete for my affections. You seem to be doing groundbreaking things with science. How does electricity work? Well, of course, you know, the most important thing with science is you come in, you have enough money and you buy a company and then you fire everyone and then you convene a press conference and you have like a brand interaction

here at South by Southwest and you go, hey, jump around inside the substack bounce house. You know, oh, it's a bounce house where, oh, I was, I was, I didn't get more right wing, you know, the bounce house got too left. What the hell are you talking about? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can I sleep in that bounce house?

Is it open to just anyone or do you have to have a badge? Well, you know, it's not open to everyone, but we're trying to, the Doge team and all that, is trying to, of course, sort of respond to some of the, left-wing fascism that has kept some of the badge holders out of some of these events in the South West, South West, and the North. We can sleep in it, of course, or we can fuck in it.

Okay, right. And once it pops, that begins the, I have an unusual semen process of course. What is it? Well because I had two, I had a penile implant of course that went wrong. I have a lot of rich people, I have like rich guy voice because I have rich guy teeth.

A penile implant? Scooty there's hope for you my boy. It went wrong? How could that be? As long as you got one at the end of the day. Well you know, I'm, of course I've always had some forms of penises that are available to me. Okay.

But also, I'm also obsessed with the letter X. You know, my child X-A-12 of course what a catchy name that one was. And the X.com and then the previous X.com and then the space eggs. X-rated what we're about to do tonight. It's always X-rated, yes, because I like to, I'm unable to have erections

in the traditional homo sapiens life. I'm losing interest, I'm losing interest. I'll be straight up. Oh no, but you lose interest, but it's so unusual. It usually brings people to some sort of orgasm, even if it's artificial, scientifically induced orgasm. Okay, keep going, keep going, let's hear it.

Well, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, there had to be, you know, I wanted an X artificially implanted into my penile organ, of course, and so that made it not work, because there was two penile implants sort of at loggerheads against each other, sort of two 90 degree angles and everything, so I actually, I have to find a surrogate. I have my excellent sperm and I find a surrogate

and I inject my sperm into the balls of another man who then. Why, don't look at me. There's hope for you yet, cootie. Well I assume, you know, there's all these stories that go around where they're like, oh, if someone paid you a million dollars, would you suck Brad's pit stick? And, you know, if you're talking about billions of dollars,

then, you know, a pork-skinned bloat body like me could get pretty much whatever he wants. I can fuck your balls, and my cump can then fuck into one of these girls. I'll do it for free. Wow, that's easy It just sounded fun so you called yourself a porkskin blow pop Well, yes, you know as area banks never liked me. She's she caught me a porkskin bloat-bodied

You know person who's sort of it didn't work, but you know I I take the compliment like porkskin Yeah, we're actually genetically engineering people, the human evolution of sexual attraction. We have data, we've plugged into all your badges, South by Southwest and all that, and we're mining data. The DOJ team is currently plugged into all the hotels, where everybody's having their little panels and so forth. And we've plugged into all your data,

and of course we're scraping all your social security and your income levels, tax returns, all those things. And we're going to start, there's going to be like carrots and sticks, where if you find pork skin attractive, suddenly you'll start getting rich. And I'm going to engineer myself artificially to the most attractive kind of person.

Wow. I have a suggestion. Can you take the nose of a pig and make it be the tip of a penis so that piss comes out one and the semen comes out the other so we don't have that one nasty hole where it all comes out? That's good. That's a good question. I'm very intrigued. Since there is a, if I might borrow terminology,

there's a certain sort of wisdom. There's wisdom that comes with age, but also, it seems like you have to expand your life expectancy, which I think would do wonderful on Mars. Oh, yes, thank you. It is from learned experience. Have you ever done a keg stand? You don't want to slurp all the beer out of that tube and then have it be switched out with milk, do you?

Well, I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I do, I actually do, I love, I don't, I don't mind having,

you know, breast milk in keg stands to sort of artificially, you know, try to, because that's what life will be like on Mars, of course. And yes, on Mars, I think we will be able to do all kinds of like human genetic changes, you know, tried, because that's what life will be like on Mars, of course. And yes, on Mars, I think we will be able to do all kinds of like human genetic changes, of course, with genetic modifications, general modifications, of course. The gravity is slightly different,

and the laws are completely different, because I'll be making them contrast. You are such a strange little boy. You should be friends with my grandson. Scutti, this is a new friend for you, boy. Oh, yeah, hi. Thank you, I like the guidance of a stern woman. He hasn't got any friends.

My mother is made of frozen milk also. Hi, Elon. Hi. I apologize for my nan. No, you're. She wants us to be friends. Isn't he handsome? Tell him he's handsome, he's got loose.

Well, you know, it's a certain, okay. I mean, I mean, it's got loose hands. Well, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it oh, the opposite kind of guy said a great thing about it. It's like, wow, yeah. So it's like, yeah, here I am. I can say, yeah, you're a hot guy, of course, because I look like a stack of melted ice cream kind of. Yummy. A stack. Well, yes. I would be interested in paying you an amount of money. By the way, I don't get any pleasure out of it.

I have a constant, there's just constantly an oozing. There's constantly an oozing of semen and other chemicals out of what you. Other chemicals. Other chemicals out of, so I'm constantly, I'm always, there's always, you know, semen, you know, sperm, sperm, you know, it's always available to those who are able to receive it, but it has to be, it has to enter either some sort,

you know, a syringe of some kind, or some people more turned on by the idea of, like, you know, fucking it into your ball sack, and then you would fuck it into the receptive loins of, you know, a lady-legalized comedy, you know? Like, you can't joke about things anymore. LOL, right? I mean, this is the part that I don't understand.

Why can't it just go from your X shaped penis into the woman's vagina why does it have to be injected into my balls? Well it doesn't have to be but we sort of you know we was like injecting you know first of all we like you know making things happen you know. He likes making things happen Scott. Do you think you could recreate how the Ninja Turtles became? That's what we really want out of our rich guys, is like why can't we make the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles real?

Like with your radioactive jizz that you're describing with the chemicals. Down in the sewer. Down in the sewer where I finally get a minute time and the turtles want to do something they're bored. It's very interesting that's a very very very fruitful and I think I look forward to taking credit for that wonderful idea that you just caught up. Hey. We can I'll temporary hire you and then you'll be you know I'll make you sign it you know agreements that all of

your intellectual property belongs to me and then we'll be fired and then rehired desperately and fired again then oops your plane won't land. And then, it's fine, it's fine. We're taking over, you know, SpaceX is going to take over navigation from the Federal Aviation Administration. And so soon all your commercial airline flights will start landing like SpaceX rockets, sort of backwards, backwards, trying to land

on some kind of flirting platform and here in Austin you know it'll be out in the water be like in the bottom springs or something and every little southwest flight or whatever trying to land backwards like that it is a two-thirds success rate so there's nothing to complain about you're more like like they've always said in the past technological regime the car on the likely to die in the car on the way to the flight than you are in the actual comedy. And you can say that also, that you're more likely to die,

of course, in the self-navigating Tesla-operated limousines and so forth, and we're actually engineering that for certain people to die on the way to the airport too. Much easier to disavow than a plane crash. Did you like doing SNL? Yeah, it's like funniest, I'm like the funniest. Isn't it great that we're just like, we're taking it over. Like SNL can be funny again by having guys like me on.

Isn't that, I put on a costume and we're recalibrating what laughter is of course. I feel that happening right now. And I'm having to engage. If I tell you too much I would probably be assassinated. We don't want that. that thank you you agree with Joe Rogan the dumbest guy alive we definitely don't want to be assassinated until my clones already and then I'm going to assassinate myself oh you are and but it'll just be you know to try to have a clone and all the but sure sure I think. Sure, sure. I look forward, I look forward, laughter, on one, this is kind of like,

yay, shi shi, shi shi, or whatever, shi. Those are the noises. There's a more powerful human evolutionary narrative of laughter, which is that, which is, you know, online later, in the public discourse, in x.com, people get on there and they go, oh, LOL, that was really funny. And they don't make us laugh, they don't actually laugh organically.

So instead of people laughing, you want them to put LOL on Twitter? Yeah, I think in the future, the evolution of the human species, that's what laughter is going to be. That's what laughter is going to be. It's going to be people saying LOL and writing with their thumbs,

because on Mars you won't be able to hear. So it's not... Nana! Scott, can I talk to you for a moment? Yeah, you want to talk over here? And is it, when I hit it off with you... How are you liking the friendship date I set you on? How's it going, Scooty? You can tell me. This guy sucks. I would love, I would love to do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles experiment with you if I could. We should do that.

I need you to meet Pennywise because he's actually very available for the show. I like your girlfriend, but I don't like your new friend. Have you met his friend's town foolish? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It'll be a good challenge for you. Yes, yes, he fucks crazy, yes.

Now, knock that girl down before the end of the show, okay? I'm married already, okay. Elon. Elon and I are gonna make the Ninja Turtles thing. Did you hear? Hey, it's Women's Month. Oh, sorry, sorry, Pamela. What did you wanna say?

It's Women's Month, yes. Oh, sorry, I just got a alert on my phone. I just, oh, congratulations, to me. I just had two and a half more children. Oh, congratulations. That was an Amber Alert. Laughter Applause

Applause Applause Elon, did you hear Gavin Newsom's first episode of his podcast? Yes, I think it's good, I think it's good. I think the radical left wing, far left, Marxist,Leninist, like Gavin Newsom, the far left, the far left, the furthest, the furthest, the left door, they go out the door, that's where someone like Gavin Newsom is, to the left wing of an anarchist. And obviously they're becoming, you know, normal centrists, like we fascists are. I think it's wonderful. Normal fascist centrism, I think, is the way, people are coming back, you know, you can't be so far left for so long. You gotta be like, wait, like, you know, it's, it's,

it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's,

it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's totally, you know, it's like, you gotta, exactly, right? It's like, wow. LOL. Thank you, LOL, right, LOL. LOL. LOL.

Well, it seems like sparks are flying between you and Pamela here. Shit's going down to crazy town. I will say, if you wanna go on a second date, we'll pay for it. Whoa, like a dating game? Oh, wow, no, I don't need you to pay for anything. I'm sucking money out of your future family. All of you, all of you, we've tracked all your badges and everything. Your

way of life is coming to an end. Hello Earth. We're looking forward to rapidly increasing what you look forward, you look to as destitute poverty and you're gonna be desperate, you're gonna be desperate. We're gonna hire you back to press buttons and to program our AI machines. Elon I think you need to woo Pamela a little bit. No you don't. She's desperate for it. She wants it. Pamela what is your dream date? With him? So you have like all the money in the world. I have all the money in the world and the penis doesn't work but that is something that many women have found very interesting. All good, all good, all good. All right, you have all the money in the world

that I'm saying we're going to Olive Garden. We're gonna have fettuccine Alfredo with the chicken. I'm gonna have a spicy Marg. And that's it. Oh, and chocolate lava cake. I will just, I'll sort of sit there snorting ketamine. And I'll do that too. I'll fondle some of the Italian balls.

Fondling balls. I'll fondle the bread balls of course. Oh yeah. And I'm curious if you've ever, if you like any kind of foreplay, if you've ever done like kind of like libertarian, you know, free market foreplay. Um, what's that?

Where there's a penis that doesn't get erect, but you kind of, if you're familiar with how to do heroin, if you, you kind of, you chase the dragon of the penis leak all the way down, you kind of inhale it through your nose, and then. That sounds fun and interesting. That's how I got pregnant with the Scot's daddy. I was with your grandpa.

Oh, you banged the gong around. Yeah, wait a minute. He's your son. My daddy. Yes, that's what I said. He's my grandpa as well? I got pregnant with your daddy. With your daddy was in my belly.

You're my grandma and my mom? What? Wow, this really hits home. This is like what the Musk family reunions are like. I got pregnant, pregnant with your daddy. My dad got you pregnant, Nana? No, my grandpa got me pregnant. Your grandpa?

My great-great-grandfather got you pregnant? Exactly, now you're getting it, boy. Wow. And his dick didn't work either, so we'd slap it around, now you're getting it, boy. Wow. And his dick didn't work either, so we'd slap it around, flop it up and down, play it old trombone, slap it on the stairs. He'd jiggle old peanut butter slime down the stairs and I would chase it on a boogie board.

That's one way, that is one way to accomplish it without the insemination through, you know, the other set of balls, of course, is that you can slide down. Exactly. Slide down, hips first. Exactly. Hips first. Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, th balls, of course, is that you can slide down. Slide down, hips first. Exactly. That sounds fun. Thum bum thum bum thum bum thum bum thum bum thum bum LOL.

LOL. LOL. LOL. That's the next bridge of the International Women's Day song. Yeah. Thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum LOL. LOL.

LOL. There's a lot of comedy tropes that I think have been pushed by George Soros that we're going to be repealing soon. Like the rule of three. There's no reason for this sort of left-wing elitism of the rule of three. We're going to have a rule of 14 and a half or something like that. We just keep repeating the same thing.

All right, come up with 13 more comedy tropes. You start repeating the same thing over and over again or you say the same thing in a slightly different way because it fails off or the same thing in a different slightly different way And it kind of fails off or or the same iteration or different iteration Or you can even say the same thing several times or the same thing could be said in multiple different directions And you see if they start coming around and realizing that they shouldn't come around and that's and when that happens when you've actually Deliberately lost all of them 13? I think that's exactly where what new kind of comedy could almost turn into.

And a half, thank you very much. Elon Musk, everyone, Elon Musk. Thank you. Wow. I look forward to all of your deaths. Did you have anything to do with that Gene Hackman situation? Tell us the truth. Well, something went wrong, of course.

I was trying, you know, I admired his longevity, and I was trying to inseminate his balls in a certain way. You were trying to inseminate Gene Hackman's balls? Yeah, because they expressed some interest in me, and the whole thing went haywire, and I accidentally even kicked one of the dogs back into the crate on my way, stumbling. Come on, Elon. Elon! Now that's the new laughter that I've talked about. That's the libertarian freedom laughter. I love that. Thank you for bringing up that

topic. That was a great... My pleasure. I was about to bring it up myself. Well, guys, we're all here now out on stage. Whoa. And you know what that means? It's time for the CBB roundtable. That's right. Doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie. Yes, that's the theme. Thank you.

You know the rules of the roundtable. The table must be round, and the topics must be squarely at the heart of the issue. You're doing great, sweetie. This is where the show gets a little real. I'm gonna be asking you questions about the day's events and we're just gonna go rapid fire through them, all right? Do you want me to answer as peanut butter ketchup man? Sure, if you want to.

Would that make you happy? Sure, Nana, yes, please. answer as peanut butter ketchup man? Sure if you want to. Would that make you happy? Sure Nana yes please answer as peanut butter ketchup man. Can I answer as peanut butter ketchup man? Sure Elon you can answer. No I'll be peanut butter ketchup girl. Can I answer as my character Adrian Ditman? See that's such a funny thing that I do I have this character that I made that's obviously me and I spend billions of dollars on making people not really believe that I'm pulling it off. Oh, let him do that one Scooty, it sounds good. Okay, yeah, you can be Adrian Ditman. That's me, Adrian Ditman.

I love everything Elon is doing from a separate space that I occupy. All right, so- I'm peanut butter ketchup man. I'm married to a baby. Is that legal? All right. I'm peanut butter ketchup man. I'm married to a baby. Is that legal? All right. This is where we go through the issues of the day. What's on people's minds? Okay. I want to hear all of your various opinions on the issues of the day. Okay. Here we go. All right. First up, rapid fire.

What's a pizza topping that most people hate but you secretly love? Ketchup! Of course, I would expect that from peanut butter ketchup man. And peanut butter! All right, Andrew Ditman, is that your name? Yeah, sure, sure. Adrian Ditman, of course.

Adrian, sorry. One of my favorite cheese toppings is foreskin. That's been, a foreskin that's been recently circumcised in the style of calamari. And the side of calamari? In the style of calamari. Oh, oh. LOL, of course, obviously. In a ring.

And peanut butter ketchup girl? Pepperoni. Scotty, do you want to answer too? What do you like to eat? You can be a part of it. Go on. I like a nice sausage pizza. And not a lot of other people like that?

No. Was that the question? Yeah, I think so. You're so brave, Scooty. All right, if you wanted to get abducted by aliens, how would you convince them to take you to their planet? All right, we'll start with Peanut Butter Ketchup Girl. Yeah, I just say, let's hang.

Let's hang. I get naked and walk into the woods and shit just goes down. You should try it sometime. I'm not peanut butter ketchup girl, Scott. I'm sorry, are you Pamela again? I'm only me. I can't be anyone else no matter how hard I try every day. I put makeup on like a lady and it falls right off

Adrian dipman is that your name? Actually, yes That is the legitimate name of course as you can tell from the screenshot of my You know the character we're gonna need your answer If I were to entice an alien to bring me to his planet, or her planet, to inseminate her. Their planet. Their planet. Oh, not pronouns?

Okay, I guess. I'm sorry, actually I don't use pronouns. I've eliminated them from English language. Well, we don't know that aliens have genders. We don't know if they have time. Wow, so woke. Oh, go woke, go broke. I think what I would do is I would set my planet aflame

so that they would come to rescue me, and then I would hop on board their ship and be like, I'm in charge of you now. If I had the power, which I don't, but my favorite guy, Elon Musk does. And Nana. I would offer them some crack. You you see now I'm answering as Pamela getting very confusing up here don't you see how this would have been you know less funny under this regime but more funny in a futuristic regime if they're instead of three of these they would like eleven and a half more I agree in

your opinion what's the funniest word in the English language? X, of course. X. Yeah, the word X. The word X. I don't know that that's a word necessarily. Can you jump up and do the X thing again?

Of course, yeah. What, what, what? Careful, there's water. Yeah. That was natural. That was like half an X. You didn't lift one of your arms. Well, also, yeah. I have the microphone on it.

The lavaliers weren't providing me. Okay, sure. Okay, yeah. Careful. Yeah. Thank you. And you gotta, you know, you make sure you gotta do that.

You really always have to wear large sized shirts even when you should be wearing an XXL so that you have a little bit of pork spilling out the bottom of it whenever you jump up. This guy's trying to take a picture. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Nice pork. Thank you, thank you.

See, we've already, we're steering evolution in a certain sexual direction. Kamala from Big Bear, I'll take either of you. I'll take either thank you. See, we're already steering evolution in a certain sexual direction. Pamela from Big Bear, I'll take either of you. I'll take either of you. What? Oh, there's two of us. Let's say the funniest word at the same time, baby. Taint.

Wonderful. All right, if you were a sitcom character, what would be your catchphrase? Peanut butter and ketchup, baby! Now I'm back to peanut butter ketchup man. Okay, thank you. I'm not sucking it! Door slam. Is that peanut butter ketchup girl?

Yes. Yes. Did you say Doris slam or slam? After I said I slammed the door. I thought you were attributing the quote to Doris That was said by Doris slam. May she rest in peace She was a prolific libertarian philosopher actually competitor with iron round of course and Mr. Dippman what is my sitcom catchphrase would be? We really have to we have to look at something like social security as a very dangerous Ponzi scheme.

And a free society wouldn't listen to court orders or things like that. A free society would do whatever the executive who's been elected wants to do and then stop having elections. And Ponzi schemes like social security have to go away and be replaced by stable currencies run by cryptocurrencies and so forth. And we're gonna replace the dollar. That would be my catchphrase. I'm not sure that's gonna fit on a t-shirt.

And then a door slam. Uh-huh. LOL. LOL. LOL. I want to change my answer to bozinga. I think that one is already being used. Although it is laying fallow right now. Nana!

Nana! Nana! Hey! You made her feel bad. Your shoulder is so sharp. Fix it! Nana, I apologize. You've been hard on me today, Scott.

You said hard on. Say you love her. Tell her. I've been desperate for you to say it back, and you haven't said it all. Nana, you've only been on Comedy Bang Bang three times, and those are the only three times I've ever seen you. But don't you love me, Scooty? I worry that the way I grew up without a grandmother... That was my bad. I was a piece of shit for that. Yeah.

I let you down. I let a lot of people down. I was only thinking of myself, Scott. Right. Yeah, I agree. I was afraid of my own mortality. I didn't like being a grandma. I wanted to be called Gigi at first.

Did you know that? Gigi. I didn't like the word grandma or nana. I wanted Gigi or cinnamon girl. It was hard for me getting older. And I lied. I want a good grandma or nana. I want a Gigi or cinnamon girl. It was hard for me getting older. And I lied, you weren't an ugly baby. You were a gorgeous baby. It hurt to look at you because I loved you so much, Scooty.

And all I was was an aging cinnamon girl with no one to love. I'm sorry. Grandma, your hair looks like spaghetti all of a sudden. It's like flowing down your back like Medusa's heads. See, the pills are hitting her now. There is something, a strange attraction that is awakening in me.

You haven't taken the pills. I'm aware, of course, I have taken lots of pills. I take DMT on an hourly basis. That ex-dick is coming out. It looks like a waffle iron from underneath my pants. This is part of it. It starts with hallucinations. Just a tiny little zip of that fly and that thing's taking over the whole stage.

You say you're immortal and you're all about, you're selfish. And I like that. It's sort of like, yeah, it's sort of a science fiction foundation, and so forth, you know? Thank you. Nana, would you like Elon Musk to impregnate you? Yes, I would. Great! I'll fuck your grandson

and he can fuck my semen into you. Okay. It's the perfect kind of Musk family, you know, arrangement Yes, I would. Great, I'll fuck your grandson and he can fuck my semen into you. It's the perfect kind of Musk family arrangement that we've done for many centuries. That sounds normal. Human pinnipede. No, no, do that. I'll watch it later. You'll watch it later?

We have to tape it? Of course, this is how we're going to train future human societies. On an old camera, I put in a VCR. Rewind, rewind. You don't have to consent, and it's better if you don't. Okay, we'll talk about this a little later in the show. All right, here's another question. Who would win in an arm wrestle,

you or the person next to you? Pamela? The person next to me is not next to me. They're over there. They're over there, Scott. The person next to me is not next to me. They're over there They're over there Scott the person next to me is behind me and the person next to you is next to me I think the drugs have worn off What I'm next to you, sorry you miss me It's hard to hear what I'm saying around the accent of my rich man teeth. Oh you're next to me. Yes, I'm next to you.

Would you, Elon Musk, would you like to arm wrestle Pamela from Big Bear? I think it's a challenge. Obviously. I'll do it. Let's lay down. This reminds me of my challenge. Let's lay down. Alright, everyone lay down. This reminds me of the challenge to fight Mark Zuckerberg, which I was happily, I'll fight Mark Zuckerberg anytime. I'm happy to arm wrestle with my opponent. The floor is going to get you trousers a little wet. Oh great, fantastic. There's water everywhere.

Why not? Sure. That's an absolute belly button soaker. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you know what? I'm over it, why even bother? Everyone knows I would win, it's so easy for me. Why is your hand so slimy? I have to say I'm calling that as a draw.

Neither of you won, although you gave up. I think he gave up. We're gonna have to take that to the International Arm Wrestling, so it's gonna have to be adjudicated. And we're gonna be appointing some new Supreme Court justices, so it'll be appealed and all that, but we're gonna run that. It's gonna take too long.

I won, I won, I won because I said I did. And I purchased, I purchased Esther's Follies, I'm buying after this. You won? You're buying Esther's Follies? I'm buying Esther's Follies. The storied institution of Austin? Did he win? It's constitutional, technically I'm buying Esther's follies. The storied institution of Austin? Did he win? It's constitutional, technically,

if you say it loud enough. There's nothing to stop me from buying Esther's follies, which, I mean, it was a great mistake that's almost written into the name. LOL. LOL, LOL, LOL. All right, Nana, who do you want to arm wrestle? Elon Musk or me?

Well, seeing as it's International Women's Day, I think the girls should take the boys. In a double decker, let's go. Oh, I'm finally interested. All right, when you say double decker, what exactly do you mean? Yep, exactly. So both of us are, oh gee, you're on top of each other? All right. That's right. And you'll notice that there is a receptive Yep, yep, exactly. So we're both of us are, oh gee, you're on top of each other?

Alright. That's right. And you'll notice, you'll notice that there is a receptive posture for your testicles. I'm not fucking him in his ass, I'm fucking him in his testicles. I don't know that this is- Do you feel the X? Do you feel the XX? Oh, oh, X, X, X, X, X!

Oh no! Oh Jesus! Oh no! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X,

X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, It's hot. It was strangely satisfying. Wasn't it? Oh, see. Would anyone like a cigarette after that? I could do some ketamine and ayahuasca if you guys...

Ketamine and ayahuasca? Let's do it, let's do it. Come on, rip it out. The tip of my hair is wet from being dragged through a puddle and I hate it. Do you feel the attachment to the life form that has been created inside of your womb? Have I become pregnant from that? Probably with three and three. Three musketeers?

Life forms? Oh hell. Scotty you hear that? You're gonna have sisters. Oh my gosh. 3.75 of them? That's right. Wow. This is incredible. Elon, you're sort of like my daddy now. Yes. We're all approaching the end of civilization. Ladies, does your man have post-apocalyptic potential, the man you're dating? Do you need a spotlight for this? Does your man have a post-apocalyptic potential like I do? Yeah, we're approaching a great mass extinction event. And the wealthiest will survive, and the cleverest will not survive, I'm sorry.

What is the mass extinction event that's approaching? Well, it was global warming, but we're gonna speed it up with just a sort of a global nuclear civil war. And we're gonna, so congratulations, it's like the last time anybody's gonna have traditional homo sapien fun. Awesome.

I guess I'm going back to my sewer. It's safe down there. With your neighbor? Yeah, my neighbor and my lover. Are you gonna be able to get me down there, Mr. Musk? Well, part of me will leak down there, of course, in a certain way. That's fine. You're just like the great masters, Leonardo and Michelangelo and so forth.

Yeah. Why were they named after those famous painters? I think it was Splinter who decided to do it. Wasn't Splinter mutated first? I don't know. This is my other show. Scotty, you're doing a good job. Thank you, Nana, I appreciate that.

Well, guys, just one last question here in the round table. If there's something that you wanna say to the audience, go ahead, take the center stage. That's not a question, boy. If, sorry, you didn't let me get to it. Okay, go ahead. If there's something you want to say to the audience, go ahead, take center stage, won't you? Wonderful.

We'll start with Nana. I'm on tonight, you know my hips don't lie, I'm on the theater slide, the attraction, the section, don't you see baby, this is perfection. Wonderful, wonderful. The attraction, the section, don't you see baby this is perfection. Wonderful. Wonderful. Elon Musk, go ahead and take center stage.

Center stage is actually, it's further right than people recognize. So I think this is the real center and we're going to be dragging everyone over here and actually we're going to, this is going to be so far to the right, you're not gonna see us in a traditional way, but we run your lives. And we already have all of your data, all your base belong to us, LOL, obviously. And the most important thing is if you wanna say something and be taken like you're a genius, you say obviously,

before and after, like obviously. And they think, oh, this guy's thought of it a lot. And another very important thing to do, if you want to pretend to be an influential, intelligent intellect, is sort of, make it sound like you have deep thought going into everything you do, and then just say something ridiculous and insane.

And then they're gonna go, oh, that guy thought about it a lot, that's why he's insane, because he's been thinking so much. And if you can buy enough websites, you can just say that you it a lot, that's why he's insane, because he's been thinking so much. If you can buy enough websites, you can just say that you're a genius, and that becomes reality. So, you're welcome, I'm a genius, so thank you.

Elon Musk. All right, Pamela from Big Bear. My pussy is drier than this hair on a hot Tuesday, bitches, goodnight. Wow. I thought that was exactly what you were trying to get at. That does start to. I thought that's what you were getting at with your speech. It does start to bring the branding iron out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scotty, did you want to say something? I feel that a lot of times you ask the questions, but you're not brave enough to answer them yourself. You're right, you're right. Guys, this is our final Comedy Bang Bang at the South by Southwest show. I'm sorry to announce it like this.

We're never coming back. Take off your shirt! Who was shouting that? Who said that? Uh-huh, it was me. Pamela, you want me to take off my shirt? Yeah, do it, why not? See what goes crazy.

Only if you do it first. Oh, no. But you've been such a warm and lovely audience to us over the years. I hate to leave, but you're gonna love to watch us go. And I wanna thank our guests here tonight, my Nana. I love you, boy. Say it. Say it back.

I think I could grow to love you. I'll take it, Scooty boy. Oh, and Elon Musk, it's so wonderful to meet you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. You see, that's real laughter. The hands obediently moving together. I like that.

And Pamela from Big Bear. Hey. When you do that, what are you... What does it make you think of? Yes Scott, does it remind you of your wife at all he doesn't know yeah he doesn't know what that is Eat the deep. Eat the deep. That was Mario's original catchphrase. Was it? Well guys, South by Southwest, this is us bringing it to a close. I want to thank our audiences here. It means the world to us that you showed up here today.

And that has been our show everyone. Thank you very much. Thank you. I want to thank Lisa Gilroy, James Adomian, Lauren Lapkus. Good night everyone, thank you. Come and be my friend, come and be my friend,

come and be my friend, come and be my friend. Comedie bagman Comedie bagman Comedie bagman BANG