Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Michael Ian Black, Lauren Lapkus (Totally Todd)

Episode Date: August 1, 2024

This is part 3 of our Totally Todd series. Comedy’s own Michael Ian Black aka The Marm of Smarm returns along with Scott’s nephew Todd on a special B-B-BONUS episode of Comedy Bing Bong! Why is MIB in everything from Smosh: The Movie to Another Period to Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp? Who were MIB and Todd’s first crushes? Will Riddle Me This go as smoothly as it always does? Tune in to find out!

Hey everybody, this is Scott Aukerman. Welcome to another episode of Bonus Bang. This is our series where we take previously recorded episodes out from behind the paywall. This is episode three in our Totally Todd series. For the past few weeks, we've been re-releasing these classic episodes of CBB, which feature my nephew Todd, who is played of course by Lauren Lapkus, fan favorite. This week's episode is The Marm of Smarm Returns, which was released on July 23rd,

2015. It has Michael Ian Black, as well as Lauren Lapkus, of course, as Todd, and in this one we learn a little bit about Todd's personal life. Of course, if you like what you hear and you want to hear the entire CBB Archive, you can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com where you can find every single episode we've ever recorded, as well as every live episode. And we're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, and until then, enjoy this bonus bang! Does the brood swoon? Does the egret regret?

Hey, I'm just a cactus buddy. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Hey, thank you to Heynongerman for that catchphrase. Appreciate that. If you have a catchphrase, you know what to do. Welcome. A special bonus episode. If you're listening to this in the future and not the day it comes out, you don't care

when this came out, but for the rest of you who are eagerly awaiting the the drop or the release of a new episode, this is a bonus episode coming out on a Thursday and you know at a time like this when I'm busy, my guests are busy, it's like hey do we do a bonus episode? But then suddenly I hear about a friend and he's got a project coming out and I say, rally the troops. Cody, I'm coming in. Cody, can you get here?

Can you get here in time? I'm coming in. We had to do it emergency. Ring the alarms. The clarion call! I had to make sure that we put together a show today and what a show we do have. He is a returning favorite and we'll introduce him in a second, but he has a new project out of which he is very proud and wants to tell everyone about in full detail. I think he's going to tell us the whole plot of this movie minute by minute. I think it'll be in real time as well.

So get ready for a 90 minute ride of your life hearing a description of a movie. Before we get to him though, I brought someone into the studio with me and he hasn't been on the show for about a year now, or 11 months or so. Yeah, it's been a really long time. Yeah, it's been a really long yeah it's been a really long time yeah it's been a really it's it has been a really long time that's how we say it on this

show it has been it has been a really long time yeah my nephew Todd is here clap clap clap you can't hear more you don't know what disease they have hi Todd hi how's it going? Everything sucks, because summer's for losers. Summer's for li- kids love summer. No they don't, they love school. They get to see their crush. Oh okay, has that been what's going on with you?

Yeah. You've missed your crush. Who do you have a crush on, or whom do you have a crush on? I don't want to tell you, you'll make fun of me. That's okay, look, this show is not about making fun of people, okay? This show is about celebrating life and recognizing that we all are different, but that's what humanity is. And I hope that when people listen to this, they go,

Oh, I'm a human, just like all of these people. I guess. So who's this? Take a wild guess. I... Take a wild guess of a short peer. Look, I don't know any of your classmates. Guess a name! They're all really common.

Okay, so it's a common name? Yeah. Jim? Yes! I got it? I got it in one? Yeah, you did, cause you look at my yearbook every night and jerk off. I do not- You freak!

If you're listening out there, do not do this. Yeah you do. You love my yearbook. No no no no no no. Jim uh Jim. Guess the last name. I don't. It's really common. Halpert? Yeah. No it's not Jim Halpert. From the office. No it's not. But he's young. He's in my school. Okay a different Jim Halpert? How did I guess that? He's the young version of that guy, the character, and he goes to my school. Okay, that's, okay, I understand. Yeah. When you put it like that,

it puts things into perspective for me. He's always looking at the camera. So cute. So you have, Todd, you have a crush on Jim. Yeah. And where did you meet this Jim fellow? Math. Math.

As you know, I came out last year. I do remember that. Did you do that on the show, or is that just in our personal lives? It was on the show. It was, right. In front of an audience, how bold am I? You're a brave, brave human being. God, that was hard.

I applaud you for that. Yeah, I bet. And plus, how old are you again? Middle school. Oh, right. So plus how old are you again middle school? All right? So that's a little young too. Yeah, well I've always known well I don't mean it's young to know I just mean, you know, a lot of people wrestle with it and keep it inside But I wrestled with it. Yeah you you and the basic bitches guy came out really early. Yeah Yeah, I don't like basic bitches. bitches yeah you've seen that guy the

basic bitches guy what do you think of him? Snap Snap. He's great. He's great yeah a fellow compatriot yeah in arms. Come patriot. Okay all right come on. I know about come what? You can't shelter me from everything? Have you come yet? You locked me in your room? Have you come yet? Yeah, I've come! Gee whiz, what do you think? I don't know! I have a phone, don't I? Well, I didn't come for several years, I do. Well, you didn't have a phone because you're from the old days.

Okay, yeah. That's all it takes is a phone. I can go anywhere I want. It just takes a phone? Go on Twitter and type in boobs and dicks. You can see anything. Okay. Gifts, moving gifts.

Moving gifts of boobs and dicks. Yeah. All right. You'll come. Okay, no, I know I will now. Just gifts of boobs and dicks. Yeah. All right. You'll come. Okay, no, I know I will now. Just when I was younger, I didn't. Yeah, well, you didn't know. Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

Well, we're gonna ask our guest when he first come and when he last come. So, and we'll just like guess how many times in between. And whoever's closest, Todd, What? Between you and I get a special prize. Oh, yeah. Did you watch TV?

What? Come on, hold on, hold on. It's not that kind of a show. He just rose up from under the table. Earlier this week we had the Wet Hot Crew on and he is part of the Wet Hot Crew but he's not even here to talk about that, although I hope he will talk about that. I hope he'll talk about other things. I hope he'll use complete sentences with prepositions and gerunds.

You're always trying to teach us. How boring. This is a teaching moment. He's in, of course, and has been in, Wet Hot American Summer. Michael and Michael have issues. He has three podcasts of his very own, all of which are defunct or on hiatus, two of which are defunct or on hiatus, who knows? And he has this new project coming out

of which he's more, he was telling me off air he's more proud of it than anything in his life. It's called Smosh, what is it called? Smosh. Smosh the Movie. Cool. Comes out this Friday, digital download,es and zeros, don't you know? I'm familiar. Mm-hmm. And his name is Michael Ian Black. Welcome back. Hi. Michael Ian, welcome Black. Hey.

The smarm of marm we dubbed you. No, the marm of smarm. Marm of smarm makes a lot more sense. Yeah, that makes sense. The other one does not. Happy to be here. How are you? Crabby. Crabby. So crabby. You sound crabby. This is early in the morning. It's not even that. I don't even know what it is. What's wrong? Nothing. Nothing's wrong.

Do you see the youth of America and you realize it's passed you by? Yeah. Todd bummed me out. Oh man. What did it mean to you? When's the first time you come and when's the last time you've come? C-U-M. Okay. Thank you for clarifying, Todd. It's... last time you've come? Yeah. C-U-M. Okay, thank you for clarifying, Todd. It's, what time is it now? We're at, we're recording this at about 10.09 a.m.

Can you believe it? So 10.07 was the last time. Okay, and you were in the room. Yeah, yeah. What? Your body didn't even shake and convulse. You didn't ride around on the ground. That's how you do it, Todd?

Huh? And then 10.04 was probably the first time. The first time, really, wow. No. That's how you do it, Todd? Huh? And then 10.04 was probably the first time. The first time, really? Wow. Okay. I was really surprised at the intensity the first time, and then by the second time was old hat. What triggered you the first time?

I honestly don't even know. Wow, okay, so 10.04 and 10.09. Seven. So we got, 10.07, okay, 10.04, 10.07, and between you and I, Todd, we have to guess how many times he did it in between. Oh, okay, I guess four. Not even close.

I'm gonna Price is Right you and go five. You win. I win! What? Thank you so much. This is a crock of shit. How many times was it? 80. 80?

Amazing. Yeah. Are you coming right now? No. It's like a crusted train. I need to recharge. Okay. Your jeans are crusty.

Sorry to call it out. No, that's all right. They were crusty when I got here. It wasn't just that. Welcome back to the show. Welcome Black. Michaelian welcome Black to the show. Okay, is that what's getting you down? Me saying Michaelian Black? No, no. You know what it is? The day started at Good Day LA. Okay, so you were at Good Day LA this morning. And that- Is that- did it not Good Day LA you? Is that with Julie and Barbary?

I don't know. She's really tan. I don't know. Did you see one tan person there? Yeah, yeah, I don't know. Are you in the habit of judging someone's skin color? No! I'm in the habit of judging somebody's race, but the skin color doesn't necessarily play

into that. Sure, we all learned that with her. How do you know about her? Cause I saw the TV one time when you left it on. Yeah, I don't let Todd, Todd by the way lives with me, I don't let him watch. Oh, I didn't realize. I'm always grounded. Yeah, I don't let him, he's grounded me at.

I don't let him watch TV. I always have to fold uncle Scott's underwear Yeah, all day wait. That's not the first time that you ejaculated is it when you know where I'm not attracted to you I know you're fuck not a sign just got married on our sitcom Yeah, we have a sitcom grounded me at So so started with good day la where you were talking about Smosh the Movie one would presume? Yeah, I don't know. Good Day LA bummed me out.

Yeah, what's going on? Nothing. It's just a shit show over there. It's just a vacuous shit show. Is that with Sam? I don't know. I don't know. Sam? I don't know. They're nice. I mean, they're nice. They're nice people. People and...

They're interested in your work. They're not. They didn't prepare. They didn't. What... No. The sample question, do you like being recognized for being on the state? Shit. That was one of the questions. Man, that was on my list. That's one of my questions. Oh man. I'm on, you know, it's six minutes. I'm on. They could prepare something. Well, I mean, that begs the question though. Do you like it? What? Being recognized from the state? I wasn't on the state. I was on Kids in the Hall. You're not on the state?

I recognize you from the state. Oh, maybe I was on that. I get confused between those two shows. Okay, so now knowing that you are on that show, do you like the experience of Good Day LA a little more? I guess I do, yeah. I guess I'm feeling a little bit better about those questions.

Okay, yeah, there are a lot of state questions. Do you like being recognized from Good Day LA? It hasn't happened yet but I'm looking forward to seeing what my reaction will be when I leave this studio. Yeah did you walk right across the street right over here? No I took my dirigible. Okay right from KTLA right over there. Okay fantastic and how long have you had a dirigible by the way? This one? Yeah this well this one Six months, I guess okay. Yeah, how often this is the newer airship. Oh, okay Do you replace like every every year three years? I least them I have a three-year lease Okay, so this one is the newer airship and it's got all the it's got all the features of the older airship

But it will self pilot in traffic. Oh, that's amazing. It's great, but the thing is, there's really no traffic. There's no dirigible traffic. Almost none. Small biplanes. Not even, I mean, you know, every once in a while, a drone, every once in a while. Hover skateboards?

No, those don't exist yet. What? You told me they do. No, no, I showed you Back to the Future 2. Damn it. Yeah, I would imagine drones to the Future 2. Damn it. Yeah. Yeah, I would imagine drones, the invention of drones, that's gotta sort of hamper the dirigible crowd, you know?

Well, generally, now you would think so, but generally drone cruising altitude is considerably lower than dirigible cruising altitude, but there is an overlap. Right. So if I'm going- About 10 feet of overlap? A little bit more than that. If I'm going a little low in my D and the drone,

the other D is going a little bit high, then those two Ds can meet. Right. And then you have a DP. I've heard of you popping my stones, but you popping my dirgible by drones? Wow. What's popping stones?

It's a podcast I listen to. Yeah, so wow, that's fantastic. You're a rich guy, you're always working. No, I'm so fucking poor right now. Really? What's poor to you though, like a billion? No, like half a billion. Oh, okay, so you got half a bill.

Right. Right. Oh, you're on another period too. Yeah. That's another thing you should talk about. I didn't pay shit. Yeah, I bet. Didn't pay anything.

Boy, how many episodes of that did you do? Like eight? Ten, I think. Ten? Yeah. What'd you make, Scale? Uh, it was, I mean, it wasn't far from Scale. Oh, boy. It was like one of these projects of love that you do because you love the people associated with it.

Ah, I hate those. Hate it so much. Ah. By the way, you were on the Comedy Bang Bang TV show. love the people associated with it. Ugh, I hate those. Hate it so much. Ugh. By the way, you were on the Comedy Bang Bang TV show, and we're very funny on it. Yeah, what did I make for that? Nothing. Nothing.

And we kept you there a really long time. Like 20 hours or something. It may have been because Reggie Watts was three hours late. Yeah, I understand. Hey, look, we all have our thing. You know what I mean? Being late, that's some people's thing, and being on time, that's other people's thing.

My thing is jerking off to gay porn. Ha ha ha. You say it like, gay porn. Gay pern. Gay pern. That's one of the porns. Yeah. That is definitely one of the porns.

Where are you getting this porn? Twitter! I don't allow it in the house. What don't you understand? I tell you, back when I was a kid and, you know, your parents would like find your porno magazines under the bed, you know, nowadays it's just like they find your phone, who cares? Yeah, but they could see everything in there. Well not your search history, I bet.

Like if you're on the Twitter app, they can't figure out like where you've been. I mean, you probably could. It's easier to hide porn than ever, I would think, if you're a kid. My feed is just gay porn I don't follow anyone else that in Disney Why do you follow overlap there, you know, maybe well there's hot guys in that too But I like to see what I know new shows are gonna be on. Oh, what do you watch life reruns? Yeah, I don't let you watch any of these. I know but I just like to know when they're on

Okay, so you can sit there imagining other people watching them? Yeah. Yeah. What happened in the last episode do you imagine? The concierge from the hotel got mad that the twins did something bad. Probably did happen. And then Ashley Tisdale came on. See, you don't need to watch it.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, in your imagination it's already there. Speaking of imagination. I think Todd, maybe you did watch it. Mm-mm. Wait a minute. No way, I was locked up. already there. Speaking of imagination... I think Todd maybe you did watch it. Mm-mm. No way, I was locked up. Alright. Wait a minute.

Alright, if you were locked up then alright. Yeah. You do know a lot of info about this show. The credits ran? I don't know. Wait a minute. This is the smoking gun. I'm just guessing.

I don't know. There were commercials for toys? What? How are you watching this show? I locked you up. I wasn't. I was locked up. I was in your closet sniffing your suits Why would you do that you already said you're not you say not sniffing your underwear Just wondering what suits smell like because one day you're gonna grow up and be a big boy And you're gonna wear a suit probably not probably not I don't think you will you

You've been the same age for a long time, I don't think you will. I feel like I'll be a kid forever. You've been the same age for a long time, although that one day you did come in here, you were an adult. Well, I had made a wish on a genie machine, and I got big, and my dick stayed big. Yeah, when he reverted back to his younger self, his dick stayed.

Yeah, because nothing lasts forever. Maybe that's why you've come so young. Oh yeah. Cool. That's why it hurts so bad. I'd love to see that big dick of yours. You would? All right, here we go.

Zip. That's a monster. Why do you say zip when you unzip your pants? So the audience knows. Oh, okay, good. That's very polite. Zip up. Yeah, I mean, you can just say reverse zip maybe.

Oh, sorry, reverse zip. Michael, tell us about, first of all, I wanna run down your projects. Tell us about the Wet Hot Summer, American Summer. Yeah, it sounds like- I mean, I'm assuming if you know Comedy Bang Bang, you know Wet Hot American Summer. You know what it is, sure.

It's a movie, not a TV show. You had the whole crew on, so I don't need to talk about it. Yeah, but I mean, you know, like, where's your character- I don't wanna promote shit! Was it fun? Who cares? Do you like being recognized for it?

Yeah. As a Jew, I like being recognized for it. Is it fun? Was it fun? Or was it a pain in the ass? Yeah, of course it's fun. No, I mean, it's again, it's one of these things. They're not paying you,

so you might as well have a good time doing it. What do you get paid for? Where do you make your- The Jim Gaffigan Show is the only thing I get paid money for. Oh, that's the other thing you're on. I keep forgetting. The Jim Gaffigan Show, TV land.

It's the only thing I'm making any bank on. Yeah. I heard that show's funny. Did you see it? Yeah. Wait a minute, how did you see it? I snuck. That one's family friendly.

It's family friendly and it may be the reason you wanted to watch it is you play a, describe your character. I play Jim's wife's best friend, gay fella. There you go, maybe that's why you're interested in it because you wanna see your own lifestyle represented on TV. There you go. That's why maybe that's why you're interested in it because you want to see your your own lifestyle represented on TV. It gets better. Sounds like it's already pretty good for you. I know. It's not. I live in a free-and-closet. And Jim Halpert is nowhere to be found. He's at school. He's

at school? He's in summer school? Yeah and you wouldn't let me go because he said it was too much money. I know it well you know what I mean is the taxes that I pay. I don't like paying taxes for summer school. I wanted to take typing, and you wouldn't let me. Yeah, well, you know, I don't want you to. There's apps for that, Todd. I don't want you figuring out how to type in all your gay porn sites.

I can do it with one finger. Yeah, hunt and peck. Yeah, hunt and pecker. All right, all right. That's my favorite site. Todd, it's not that kind of a show. It is when I'm here. I know.

Sorry. So you're on the Jim Gaffigan show, you're on Another Period, you're on Wet Hot American Summer, you're in Smosh the Movie. I mean, how many projects do you need, Michael? You have podcasts, you have a current, what's your current podcast people can listen to?

It's called How to Be Amazing. How to Be Amazing, what do you, all you do, and then you're out there doing stand-up gigs? Yeah, what is up with you? Um, I just built a house and I'm poor you built a house. Yeah, like from scratch from scratch cool It's not it's a disaster. Is it done? Yeah, do you love it? Yeah, but do you love your family? Not enough not enough to justify what I just did. Where did you live while you were building it? In my old house. And then we built it and I'm...

Do you still own the old house? Yes. God, you're rich. No, I want to sell that house. You are rich. You can't sell it. Why can't you sell it? Because nobody wants to live in my town.

Well, I... I live in Kabul. I hear they have nice cobblestones there. Jesus. I mean, Allah. As a Jew? Because I'm a Jew, I can say Allah. Yeah, so we rent out the old house, we have the new house, and I can't afford it.

So you're renting out the old house. That's buko delores right there. No, I'm not making any money on it. That's buko bank. Do you feel overwhelmed? What do you think, Todd? My guess is yes. Yeah.

I mean, when you get to be my age and you have real responsibilities, you realize, you know, you wish you were middle school. That's the thing, Todd. You made that wish to be big. Yeah. Did you like it when you were big? A lot of responsibilities.

I learned a lot about what life really had in store. Yeah. And like jobs and stuff. Did you get a prostate exam when you were big? Yeah, I had to go to the doctor. They said. Yeah. They said, oh, wait a minute, you made that wish? did you get a prostate exam when you were big yeah I had to go to the doctor they said yeah they said oh wait a minute you made that wish oh get a prostate exam I was big they were like you got to get it checked out just for the best you go every day when you're big yeah you got to go every day to get your prostate examined but the doctor put his finger

up there and he said felt like a young one so wait your prostate remained young yeah oh okay congratulations explain that, Jeannie. That Jeannie was crazy with what it did to you. But that's the thing, Michael. Everyone's out there saying, oh, I wish I had what Michael has. Yeah, everyone's out there saying that. I wish that I was famous. I wish I had what Michael has.

Fuck you, Todd. No. OK, good. But I look at him. He's got it all. He's got success. No. Okay, good. But I look at him, he's got it all. He's got success. He's got the dream. So why am I so crabby?

Why are you so crabby? Because you have to work so hard in order to maintain it. I was in Austin two days ago, then I had to go home, Connecticut. Now I'm here. You should reverse that. I had to go to Austin, then I got to go home. Well, it would have been better if when I was in Austin, I could have just come straight here. Right. I had to go to Austin, then I got to go home. Well, it would have been better if when I was in Austin,

I could have just come straight here. Right. I had my daughter with me. I took her to Austin with me for fun. How old's your daughter? I don't know. I took her to Austin for fun, then I brought her home, then I flew back.

You live in Connecticut? Yeah. Did she have fun? Yeah, I think so. She had a good time. What did you guys do? Well, I was performing all weekend, so she. She watched you perform?

Sometimes, yeah. She went to three of the shows. Does she like comedy? She doesn't like my comedy. But was she, did you make her sit front row center? Of course, I needed to keep my eye on her. And then I was like, hey, where you from? We did a whole thing, you know. Where you from?

Yeah, where you from, what do you do? I'm a student. Were these rehearsed lines, prepared lines? Yeah, yeah. No, I wrote out a script. Yeah. It was important that she stick to the script. And if she didn't, she got back of the hand.

Yeah. Are you like a David Mamet type, like every period is important, every elixis? Oh, yeah. I don't write the words for them to be ignored. Right, exactly. So Austin, you were there, and then you, I mean, why not just put her on a plane and have mom pick her up?

That wasn't an option. Why is that? Well, I mean, it literally wasn't an option because my wife and son were in Minneapolis for the weekend, because they were visiting her family and I brought my daughter. And then, so they weren't even home when I got home.

And it's not an option because we live so far from the airport, because we live in the middle of nowhere. Right, yeah. And you got to do that. Why do you do that? Because I want to surround my children with nature instead of New York City cokeheads. Cool.

You ever seen nature, Todd? Not really. Yeah, we don't have it here. It's not on the way over here today. What did you see? A tree. That was when I lifted up my blindfold. Yeah, I blindfold Todd every year because I don't I don't want Todd to know where we live, right?

You know what I mean? I usually drive in a you know a crazy pattern all around the city before we get out of the house Just so she so he can never Number one Okay, I'm sorry I know my giant dick to everyone in this room. I know but I don't agree with your lifestyle. So I'm trying to belittle you. God damn it. But yeah, you look at Michael Ian Black and you go, this guy is part of comedy history. The state, Viva Variety, Wet Hot American Summer, he's already made his mark and he's like 20-something years old.

I guess you're just going to ignore Stella. I guess you're just going to ignore Stella. I hadn't gotten there yet. I'm saying all those were in a relatively short amount of time. And then Stella cut to five years later, Stella. Sure. You know? Like this guy's already part of the legends of comedy. I want that.

I want it. I want that. I want to be him. That's what they're saying to themselves. That's what they're saying. But then you get there and look at you. Miserable. You're a shell. You hate it.

Bags under my eyes. No, you still look great. No, I look great, don't get me wrong. I was exaggerating to make a point. Of course I look great. What is your facial regimen? I get makeup over a good day in LA and then I come here. Okay, very good.

Every day? Yeah, it's such a pain in the ass. That's why you are really exhausted. I am exhausted. Coming out to LA every day. And that's why I'm poor. But the makeup lady there is really nice. And she has altoids.

And it looks natural. Thank you. That's the main thing. Oh my gosh. Tell us about Smosh, the movie. Yeah, what does Smosh mean? Well, okay. So Smosh is...

And try to sit up while you tell us, by the way. Look at you leaning down like this. I'm tired. Sit up in your chair, god damn it. Fuck you. He's melting. Smosh, it's a comedy duo. They created their own YouTube channel.

They've got like 10 billion... I heard of that. ...customers. How do you... have you been on YouTube? Yeah. What'd you see on YouTube? An episode of Sweet Life. Oh! It's one episode? Yeah. What happened in it? What I told you earlier. Oh, you're gonna be grounded when we get home. I'm always grounded! You're watching Sweet Life and then you're watching... You're watching the Basic Bitches Kid? He came up as an ad Was an ad for that okay?

He's really getting around yeah press white strips So you know what smosh is because you've been on YouTube, and you've seen it mentioned. I heard of it Yeah, so they have 10 billion billion customers they put up videos and then one of these YouTube sensations So somebody's like hey you guys want to make a movie and they were like yeah We'll make a movie and then I and then they sure I want what Michael Ian Black has right and then And then they asked me to be in the movie Alex winter directed it you know from Bill and Ted yeah, and And it's gonna comes out Friday tomorrow. Yeah Digital download yeah, how can get a theatrical release for that piece of shit movie?

I guess why don't they put it on YouTube if they have? 10 sure they will at some point. Yeah I haven't seen it. I bet I'm it seemed funny when we were making it Let me guess you're you play the villainous executive who wants to Sell out the smosh YouTube channel, that's basically right That's basically correct. It's the it's the plot of Wayne's world Is it really? I'm just guessing. That's basically correct.

So basically, it's the plot of Wayne's World. It's actually more the plot of Bill and Ted, weirdly enough. Oh yeah. It's almost a time travel movie, but it's a YouTube travel movie where they travel through. Travel through YouTube. Oh, fantastic. So if you're listening out there and you know what YouTube is,

you probably are very excited by this. And if you don't know what YouTube is, check it out. Yeah, check out YouTube. I think you'll really get a kick out of it. There's something for everyone. So yeah, that used to be their out. Yeah, check out YouTube. I think you'll really get a kick out of it. There's something for everyone. So yeah, that used to be their slogan, didn't it? Yeah. YouTube, there's something for everyone.

But they were nice. They were nice guys and funny and. How old are these guys? They're probably mid-20s now. Mm-hmm. But they've been doing Smosh for years since they were like 17 or something. Did you see a little bit of yourself in them?

Were you like, you know what? I mean, when I was in my mid-20s, I was working at MTV, I had The State, you know, we jumped over to CBS for a failed Halloween special. But then, you know, I went on Viva Variety and I did my hair up all crazy. You know, and these guys are doing the equivalent,

the modern equivalent of what I did. These guys are so much more successful than I ever was or will be. I knew who you were back when you were doing it though. Yeah, but. And I don't know who the Smosh guys are. But there's a battalion of people Todd's age who know exactly who they are.

Yeah. They've got a whole empire now. They've got a Smosh empire. Do they have two houses, one of which they're renting? I think so. They might even have three houses. Three houses! That's the dream.

And their dirigible is so much nicer than my dirigible. No fair. I know. They have the leather seats in their dirigible. What the hell, you should egg it. Probably will. You don't wanna pop a dirigible though. And it says it's gonna pop it, but I'll egg it.

Make sure those eggs aren't sharp. Egg the seats. If it pops, it pops. No, no, no, no, no, no. Todd knows it's at if it pops it pops on my fault. I always say Don't stop. No if you pop you can't stop. Yeah, that's my phrase. Oh, that's your face. Yeah, I invented Pringles What for you? I'm just kidding. Oh, okay Well, I mean you say stuff like that and and I mean, I didn't take the wish seriously.

I've never been kidding before, but right now I was just kidding. Okay, yeah, good. Yeah, that would be crazy to try to justify how that happened. Yeah, no, I could never have done it. You've been eating them since before I was born. Right, yeah, and you were born how long ago?

I don't know, minus middle school. Okay. All right, well, we have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to talk to more MIB, the men in black, the Michael-y in black. Was that weird for you? Am I being too dour? You're a little down, I have to say.

You know, I'd love to take a break and then come back and you have a lot of energy. And you just, we come back and you're just really, you're like, I want to see the salesman. You know what I mean? Yeah. Okay, great. We'll be right back with the Marm of Smarm. Bum-da-da-da. Bum-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Michael Ian Black and he's, during the break, he jogged around the room a little bit. He did jumping jacks. I perked up. He perked up, here he is, let's hear him. Hey. Here it is.

He just held up a tiny balloon. Look, I'm here, I'm trying. I can't mark match your energy. You can't mark match my energy? I can't mark match your energy. Do you mean match it like Mark Maron would match? Yes, that's what I meant. Okay, thank you.

His is pretty low. Yeah. I've seen Maron. You've seen Maron? Yeah. What about my show? It's right after. Can't turn it on that long. You always seen Marin? Yeah. What about my show? Nah. It's right after!

Can't turn it on that long. Damn it. You always come home to watch your own show. Then I have to hide. So wait, so you turn off, because I get there one minute before my show comes, have you ever seen the end of Marin? Uh, no. I've never seen the part where there's credits over and he's doing something different.

Oh, okay, where he's talking into the microphone? Nah, I've never seen it. You've never seen it? That's the best part. I love him though. Yeah. You've been on Marin, right? Yeah, sure, I played myself. Uh-huh.

And me and Chris Hardwick were on and we were making fun of Mark. Mm-hmm, and you- That was fun. That was fun. You guys had a fun little Twitter exchange. We've been known to go at it on Twitter, because he's a dick. I mean, he's famously a dick.

I'm not I'm not this is I'm not breaking any news here. OK, you argue about the fact that he's a dick. Yeah. What about you? I mean, though, I mean, I mean, he's no Marm of Smarm, but but I feel like I feel like sort of industry-wide, I mean look, let's put it this way, I'm not out there apologizing every day to people

because I don't have the need to. You know what I mean? I may apologize to you when this is over for being like, hey Scott, I'm sorry that I wasn't, I didn't have more energy. I don't think you need to do that. I'll take you as you come. But the first 100 episodes of WTF,

which is Mark apologizing to his guests. Now, that being said, Mark and I have never gotten along better than since we started publicly squabbling on Twitter. I would even go so far as to say, at this point, we may be friends. Wow. Yeah. Congratulations, man. Which is why I don't feel bad about calling him a dick.

Right. Because you take your friends as they are. Yeah. You know? And you, yeah. And he's gotten nicer because he's had success. You know, now he's— Do you think that's all it takes? Yeah. You know, and you, yeah. And he's gotten nicer because he's had success. You know, now he- Do you think that's all it takes?

I think for him, yeah. I think now he doesn't hate himself quite as much. So he's able to be nicer to other people. Okay. And ever since he interviewed the president, he's been insufferable. In what way? I don't know, I haven't spoken to him since.

And is that because he interviewed the president? Is he not your president? Yeah, he's still cool now. Actually, we were tweeting back and forth right afterwards. And yeah, he's been a little bit of a dick. But I told him he was punching down. Because I'm not the president. Right, yeah.

Can't make fun of me now. But he should be punching up to that president. He should have punched the president. He should have punched the fucking president. How did Obama get into comedy? I never heard the episode. What's his background? What did he do wrong to Marin early on in their career?

I think his success really irks Marin. Yeah, he was the president. Yeah, yeah. What do you think of this punching down? I feel like you could punch to the side, you know? Like you should walk around cause sort of punching to the side, but punching up is difficult.

Right. Punching down is also difficult. Yeah. I mean punching to the side, but punching up is difficult. Right. Punching down is also difficult. Yeah. I mean, you could hurt your elbow punching down. Yeah. Try just, you know, making that motion down, kind of hurts your elbow. Kind of hurts.

You punch up, it's more than the shoulder. And uppercuts, sometimes that's a good way to knock someone out by surprise. But punching to the side or to the front. You're jabbing. Yeah. You're punching. Comedians should only make fun of people

equally as successful as, like, exactly as successful as them, like that are in the exact same projects as them. That's right. Which is why I'm currently making fun of Adam Goldberg, who's on the Jim Gaffigan show. And that's it. He's the only one who is at exactly my level of success right now. Right. Okay. He's the only one who is at exactly my level of success right now. Right, okay. Todd, what do you do when you're at middle school?

What do I do? Do you make fun of other kids? Are you a bully? Sometimes. Really? If I have to defend myself, you know? You do it in retaliation to people trying to bully you? Like if I get bullied, I get mad and then I bully someone else.

No, you don't know that's That's the chain as Fleetwood Mac talked about yeah, well you can never break the chain How do you know that song cuz I know random shit Cuz I overhear stuff from the closet cuz you listen to Pandora I'm choking and dying. Oh my gosh. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine I'm just uh, I'm sick and you didn't my gosh, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just, I'm sick and you didn't take me to the doctor. Well, you know, it costs money.

Yeah, I know. You're not covered in my insurance. This is my sister's kid. My mom abandoned me and my uncle takes care of me, but barely. But you know, I don't have it. You're not under my insurance. How are you supposed to go to the doctor?

Take me to urgent care. It's not that urgent. You have to prove that it's urgent when you're there it's not that urgent I just cough once right now yeah yeah I don't think that that would clarify when you're big did you get the full checkup quality yeah I did okay so you're fine but that's my future self is it your future self or just what your body will be in the future or did like you know what I mean? Did you swap bodies with your future self? No, it was me in the future like I went and saw my life So do you think that in the future for one week or however long you're going to turn young again?

You know what I mean because Because if it was the future self Instead of just a physiological change. You're right Whoa future self instead of just a physiological change. You're right. Whoa. Okay, I guess we'll check back with you in like 30 years. Hey, do you wish you could be young again ever for one day? How young? 13.

No. Is that how old you are? No, I'm just saying. Do you ever wish that you could be 17? No. 18. No. Would I have to be doing the things that I was doing? Yeah, but you know what you know now. Yeah, you go back with the cognizance of an adult and

the experiences of an adult. I guess I wouldn't do the things that I was doing then. Yeah. Like if I was 18 or 17 I was in high school. I'd be like, well fuck this, I'm not going to high school today. But you realize whatever you do when you're back there will have implications on when you return as an adult, your life will be changed, the time stream will be altered. Oh, I have to come back? Yeah. Yeah, that's part of it. Let's say you have six days.

You have six days in this state, and whatever you do during the six days, the butterfly effect will affect whatever you are as an adult days, the butterfly effect will affect whatever you are as an adult. I'm putting, I'm just buying Microsoft. I'm gonna spend six days buying Microsoft. All six days?

Sure. Why don't you just spend an hour buying Microsoft with whatever money you have. Because I was 17 in 1830. What? Yes. What? So it's gonna take you a long time. It's gonna take a while. Wait, that means six million.

What? You're like 115? Whatever. The. Wait, that makes like a million. What? You're like 115? Whatever. The point is I would just be investing. I'd be investing. Right, diversifying. If I know basically whatever I'm doing is just gonna. Okay, tell you what, let's adjust this.

You know what you know now about being an adult, but you can't remember, it gets very fuzzy like dream logic when you think of companies that have done well or sports scores. But I know what I know. But you know what you know in terms of like. So I know like. Life experience. Yeah. Uh huh.

What would you do? Jesus, Todd. You cough three times now. See. Getting up there on the urgent scale. I mean, I just try to bang high school girls. What else would you do? What else would you do? There's nothing else to do. There's nothing else to do. Except that if I'm my age, like mentally, would I even be attracted to them? That's the problem. No, but you would. Okay, good. Yeah.

You mentally, you go back and then you're like, you forget what your standards of beauty and how those have altered as you've aged. And you're older and wiser, but you're not less sexually what you were. Yeah. Oh, I'd be more sexually what I am if I was 70. But here's the thing, if you're back there for six days

trying to bang high school girls, don't you run the risk of, because you'd be out there going, oh, it doesn't matter, I'm young now, I'm just gonna, like every single high school girl, I'm just gonna put it out there. Don't you run the risk then of being an adult and everyone going,

God, remember that creep, Michaelene Black, who tried to bang all of us in high school? But that's what I, no, who would care? Who would care, right? Nobody would care, no consequences. There's never any consequences for having teenage sex. But. Everybody knows that. What if, That's true.

What if you weren't on the state because of it because you have this rep is this like weirdo and and whoever started the state I imagine is Tom Lennon. Not, not any close. It was like, ah, we could hire that guy. You guys were all hired. I went from high school to a totally different place in the country. Sure. But I mean, you probably told stories about. What is it you're trying to get at? You tell me I can invest in companies, you're telling me I can't have sex with teenage girls, now I can't join this state, what are you trying to get at? I want you to give Todd an example

of what a nice, responsible young man should be doing. Oh, well study hard, you know, get plenty of sleep. You know, you should have some sort of idea in your head about where you wanna go career-wise. And you know, blow some dudes. Okay. Blow some dudes. Finally, something that made sense.

How old were you when you knew that, you know, you were like, I know I'm a little boy with big boy dreams, but when I become a big boy, I want to do this. I wanna do this for a living. I wanna express myself. Sure, I'm a fan of both I want to do this. I want to do this for a living. I want to express myself. Sure, I'm a fan of both the dramatic and the comedic arts, but I'm leaning more towards the comedic arts.

Sure, some of my work eventually, maybe people would consider to be a dramedy, but at this point, I'm leaning more towards comedy and I want to pursue that dream. 30? I think you were already on The State by then. Yes, The State was probably long dead before I decided I was gonna pursue a career in comedy. You have a backup plan?

No, I know I didn't I didn't I didn't plan on being in comedy. I didn't that was never in my interest. That was not really what did you want to be? I wanted to be a dramatic actor. Hit us with some of that. To be or not to be, etc. Well, I mean, I'll do something a little more contemporary. Okay, sure. Hold on. I'm almost in.

Okay, yeah. I was like, I was the computer guy. From the net or from a CSI or something. Yeah, give me a second. Just give me one second. I've almost got it. He's pretending to type. Right?

Wow, yeah, that's powerful stuff. That's what people should audition with at theater school these days, because that's the only part you're ever gonna get. That's the only thing I would ever get. You could pay your bills for your whole life. It might. Almost there, almost there. Are you hacking into the mainframe?

Yep, give me a second. God damn it, give me a second. Tyler? Can you enhance that? Let's enhance. Give me a second. Let's enhance that frame. What was your thing? Did you want to be an actor? I did. I didn't know what. I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to be, I wanted to, you know, I loved comedy, but I never thought I could do it. Right.

That has been proven. Yes, the audience learns that every time I put out a show. And so I tried to be like a musical theater actor because I like to sing, and I was pretty good at that. And then I figured out I hated doing musical theater, and then I tried to be a writer. Right. Yeah, so I just wanted to be.

Are you writing the Emmys? Yeah, yeah, we're writing the Emmys. That's a thankless job. It is. By writing the Emmys you mean you write the inside of the card they open. I assume. Exactly. Somebody's gotta write it.

Who else is gonna write it other than the writers? You wanna win one? I mean, I was thrilled just to be nominated. If I win, yeah, that would be great. What are you nominated for again? One of the major categories. Oh, right, right, right, right. So that was a real thrill.

Best guy? It's just one of the major ones. Yeah, one of the major ones, yeah. Best guy. Yeah, it's a huge thrill. Thank you so much for bringing it up. And thank you for reading the humor publications that reported on it.

I just saw it on Twitter. That's all I saw. I saw it on Twitter. That's right. We follow each other on Twitter. We're big fans of each other. Yes, big fans and dear friends. You've been on Twitter recently. You've been on a rant after rant about politics

and Ferguson and all. I know, it's been annoying. No, it's been informative. No one's out there making a stand like you are. Nobody. Everyone's cowed and afraid. I'm the only one taking the popular position of we should bring down the Confederate flag and we should be upset that black people get killed. Do you take responsibility for that when you heard that it was being taken down?

You're like look you know I know all I really did was constantly reference it. I can't take full credit. No I can't take full credit. But partial credit. Yeah. More than half? Yeah. Sure. The preponderance? Yeah. 51% at least. Yes, but look, I mean look, this was a lot of people coming together

and doing the right thing because I said they should. But I didn't do it. I just prodded them in the right direction. Todd, do you know what the Confederate flag is? Hold on, I'm coughing. Oh, what's going on with you? I'm afraid to let out my cough. Do it right into the microphone.

Sorry. Are you okay, Todd? You sound real phlegm-y. I've never seen you like this. No, I just had that one phlegm. Oh, just the one. And now it's out? Now I feel better.

I just was afraid to do it because I thought you guys would think I was disgusting. Where'd you put your phlegm? Just swallowed it. Wait, so it's still in there? Yeah, but it's okay now because I won't have to do it for a long time. Okay, good. So it's all the way down your tummy now, and it's going to work itself right back up? Yeah, if you swallow it with enough force, you get it all the way down, and then yeah,

it crawls back up. I got another hour. Good. Before you go. Okay, if you cough before this hour is up. All right, I won't. Anyway, what were you going to ask me? Do you know what the Confederate flag is?

Yeah, I do. Do you know what it represents? The pride of the Southern people? Yeah, I do. Michael? But I got a question about it. Yeah. So I saw on Twitter that they took it down. Where are they going to put it? Where?

Yeah. Well, they've said they're putting it in the museum with the historical archives. But aren't there a ton of them? No, they just had the one. They just had the one, okay. And so they put it in a museum. Do they hang it on the wall or do they put it on a tablet? They make the black security guard wear it as a cape,

which I thought was terrible. That's not right. Are they gonna take him off all the cars? TV Land did. TV Land pulled Dukes of Hazzard. They should just put something else over it, I think superimpose something else over it. Like your face. I don't know if my face. I mean thank you. Yes, you're not the first to suggest that.

Thank you. But I don't think that. I mean yes. You're being modest, but yes. No, I mean come on. I'm not even from South Carolina, but if they want to do a clean start and it's not the worst idea, but no. And there's better people. Why would they pull the Dukes of Hazzard? I mean, you know, the Dukes of Hazzard to me, well. Well, you know, I'm on TV land now, and I moderated a panel at Comic-Con, and they said if anybody asks about Dukes of Hazzard,

I wasn't allowed to. You weren't allowed to talk about it? Well, talk about it right here. Say everything you ever wanted to say. I thought it was stupid that they pulled it. Yeah. It's kind of unrelated. Pretty unrelated, I mean, yeah.

Not that I know anything about that show. No, you wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. Because art reflects life, and people back during Dukes of Hazzard times... The 70s. Yes, that's how long ago it was. They drove around in cars like that. They did nothing but. So why censor art, because it's reflecting life, we should change life. Right, that's right.

Yeah. That was powerful, what you just said. Let's change life. Let's change life. Let's change our realities. Ooh. Let's go back in time for six days and, you know, fuck whoever we wanna fuck. That's what you're getting at.

Yes! Why aren't the scientists working on this? Can you think about it, if they invented this machine that lets you go back in time, lets your consciousness go back in time for six days and you can fuck whoever you wanna fuck, and like, how, that's like a vacation. You're not married yet. There'd be a lot of weird babies It's true. Yeah, there'd be I guess a lot of babies would come out of it

Yeah, would you would you go protected or unprotected? No, I mean, I'm only there for six days I have no consequences. Yeah, but it the consequences are in your life So when you get back you have a 30 year old daughter or something Yeah, yeah, think about that. I guess I'd use protection then mm-hmm All right, you know make her make her wear a diaphragm. Just jerk off on her face, and then there wouldn't be a problem What what Todd why do you care you're a dude? I don't like girls oh And you are certainly not a girl, I'm sorry I said that before. Absolutely not. How many ways do I have to prove it to you? I don't know. Do you have any other ways? My butt won't prove it.

I mean, you're a monster dick. Yeah, right? You went pretty far to proving. And I'm yelling out that I'm gay. If I was a girl, I'd say I was straight. What? Oh, because you like guys. Oh, okay. I get it. Michael, talk about your sexuality.

What, when did that start? Some people think you're born with it encoded, Scott. I think that. Well, you would think that. Like it's in the wrinkles of your brain. That's right. Like fold the brain one certain way. That's right.

And you like girls, fold it a different way, you like guys. Yeah. Well, like what was your first crush? My first crush was a girl when I was like four. I remember her very distinctly. Really? Yeah, she was a girl named Sarah, lived in the neighborhood. How old was she? Four. Also four. We were friends. And, but, you know, I remember that my attraction to

her was more than, you know, than than it was for the boys in the neighborhood. Do you remember it because you had been watching movies and movies at that time were all just like, guy meets girl, guy meets girl. We watched a lot of Bob, Ted, Carolyn, Alice in my house. Yeah. There's only one of those movies, but you watched it constantly. We watched it constantly. That's the Swinger movie. I watched it constantly. We watched it constantly. That's the Swinger movie. And you know if- I watched Swingers. Yeah well back then, you know, there wasn't,

we didn't have cable. So if my mom like- And there weren't VCRs back then either. No, my mom had a 35 millimeter copy of Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice. And when she needed like just time, she would just play it for us. And it's like, hey, you know, take the sheets off the bed.

We're going to hang them up in the dining room. Yeah. Yeah. It was an incredibly involved thing. She had to constantly come in and change the wheels, and they were heavy. And it would break all the time, so she had to have that editor tape.

It would always be slicing. It was not an efficient way to entertain the kids, but. But that's what we did back in the 70s, you know? And these kids today, you're talking about your phone Todd Yeah, you have it so well off back then if no if you wanted entertainment on your phone You just had to press the numbers and try to make a song out of it Yeah, and we were good at it Mary had a little lamb two two five eight. Yeah, you know, you call someone eventually Sure. Yeah, you the person who had Mary had a little lamb is their phone number boy

They were constant and they would I remember they would pick up and who had Mary Had a Little Lamb as their phone number, boy, they were constant. I remember they would pick up and they'd go, Mary had a little lamb, I get it, ha ha ha. And then you go, no, no, Bob. They were so used to being Bobbed. Why would you call yourself Bob? I guess because you didn't want it to be known. Yeah, I didn't want it, yeah, like I am actually.

It's a prank on a prank, of course. Multiple levels. But back in the 70s, you wanted to show a movie, you had to join the ACE. Yeah,, you had to join the, you know, the ACE, the... Yeah, well, you had to join the projectionist union. Yeah, you know, I mean, there was a lot of steps. A lot of hurdles to go through. You know, so you kids, ugh.

You don't know how lucky you are. If you ever were able to watch things on your phone, if I ever allowed it, you would be so lucky. Can't stream. But do you think that you were encoded by the media? Do you think you were made to be straight by all of the heteronormative media out there saying, hey, you're a guy, you like a girl. You're a guy, you like a girl.

Well, my mom's gay. I grew up in a gay household. Did you really? Yeah. So it was a homonormative. Oh, did you have two mothers? Uh-huh. Well, not sort of.

Sort of. Do you currently have two mothers? Well, my mom is with a woman. With a woman. Okay, but not the same woman as back then. Not the same woman. And were they, I guess they couldn't have been married. They were not.

That's a recent development. That's right. No, my mom was married, got divorced, and was with a lady for many years. Uh huh. Fantastic. Cool. Why are there tears rolling down your face? It's an allergy. It's an allergy to gay people. You've been crying ever since I walked in. Uh-huh. Fantastic. Cool. Why are there tears rolling down your face?

It's an allergy. It's an allergy to gay people. You've been crying ever since I walked in. A lot of people don't know this about you. This is what we're getting at. This is the real stuff. Now we're really getting to the real stuff. Thank you. Let's start again.

Okay, here we go. Michael, what is your inner pain? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So at the time, you're seeing your mother and you're like, mom likes girls, I should like girls. I guess that's what it is, that's how I got encoded. Pretty easy.

Yeah, so that was my first crush. Fantastic, and who's your last crush? Your wife. Sure, let's go with that. Sure, let's go with my wife. My wife. My wife? You got married relatively... Not that young.

I was 27. 27's young in show business. Yes, in show biz land, that's young. You know what I mean? I mean, unless you're a child star. You must have always known you loved her. Yes, I always knew I loved her. Did you meet her in college?

No, I met her when we were doing The State. So she's like a state groupie. No. Not hardly. That's all a state groupie? No. Not, not hardly. It's all she talks about, I bet. Did she see, did you make her go to state affairs? Back when? We did have an affair of the state, yes.

Right, and then, and then she became an enemy of the state? No. At a certain point. She, she worked on the state. She did, what did she do? She was the producer's assistant and then she moved over to wardrobe. So you're using your power, full position. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And you made her feel as if she had to date you in order to keep her... Yes, I made her feel intimidated. How long did you date before you proposed to her? Four years. Very average. Yeah, it's average. How do you know what's average or not average? I read a study.

Okay, I make him read studies basically. That's the only is she? How do you know what's average or not average? I read a study. Oh, okay. I make him read studies, basically. That's the only entertainment I get. Yeah, well that's important. Just scientific journals. You should keep up with all the academia that you can. Yeah. And now is she like,

oh, the state, comedy, I'm not interested. She was never interested. Like I put up with that back when I was around you, but. I mean, for her it was just a job. Right, she didn't care. She didn't care. She didn't care. And now what is her job? Homemaker?

Interior designer. Really? So your place must be gorgeous. Oh, it's sparkling. Cool. Yeah. Wow. And she designed your place?

She did the interiors. What about the exteriors, my dear boy? Well, that would be an exterior designer, or as it's known in the trade, an architect. Architect. Well, like you made your own house. So did you decide what the rooms are going to be? that would be an exterior designer, or as it's known in the trade, an architect. Architect! Yes. But like, you made your own house, so did you decide what the rooms are gonna be,

and did you put in a special room or anything? Yeah, did you put in a big butt plug room? No, we didn't, no we didn't decide what the rooms would look like. I mean, how could you? I mean, yes, we designed the house, but no what the rooms are gonna be like, no. That's too far.

Butt plug room, yes, yes we did do that. Good, so a no and a yes. Is it a small room? The butt plug yes. Yeah. Is it a small room? The butt plug room? Yeah. Is it a small room with one giant butt plug? Or is it a big room with lots of little tiny ones? I would say it's eight by eight, and then there's just shelves.

Mm. There's just shelves. And then there's padding on the wall, so when you lean against, your hands don't get fatigued. Sure. You should put one in the middle and sit on it. Well, yeah, we have that. That's just called, there's a pedestal.

Okay. And it has a little, almost like a thumb tack in the center and then you put the butt plug on top of that and they're removable. So you can. Change your style. Yeah, you change whatever you want to do with that. Whatever mood you're in.

When you're designing a house, I mean, there must be just like endless possibilities. No, there's just the one. Do we put 27 tiny rooms? No, there's just the one. Just the one possibility. Yeah, it's, I'll there must be just like endless possibilities. No. Do we put 27 tiny rooms? Really? There's just the one. Just the one possibility. Yeah, it's, I'll show you.

Okay. Do you have a piece of paper? Yeah, yeah, here you go. Did you do it like where you go up the stairs and it gets tinier and tinier? You see that? Yeah. Oh my god, yeah, that's a house. That's the house, right?

It's a square with a triangle. Yep. And then there's a door and two windows. That's it. That's a house. That's a house. It's like our forefathers made. Yeah our settlers That's the only one you can make right? I mean look They're saying

Technology it's gonna get to a point where you could put in a third window or whatever, but I don't know I don't believe it. Yeah, like sides and stuff Yeah, but right science fiction movies that is just so far-fetched But right now the house a house is a house is a house. Right now, hey! It almost seems like you don't even need an architect to do what we did. Yeah. Because I just sketched it out for you.

Yeah, and I recognize it as a house, yeah. And it looks like a blueprint. How much did you spend on that architect? Well, it was 20% of the budget, so 18 mil. Oh my goodness. Yeah. This is like the queen of Versailles. It was such a mistake.

It was a money pit. Total money pit. My gosh. Well, we have to take a break. Speaking of the money pit, great movie. And we need to take a break, which do not occur in movies, which is how I thought of that segue. So we'll be right back with more Michael Ian Black.

Now he's crossing out the house. I'm cross hatching. I'm making roof tiles. OK, very good. We'll be right back with more Michael Ian Black. Now he's crossing out the house. I'm cross-hatching, I'm making roof tiles. Okay, very good. We'll be right back with more MIB after this. Bum-dum-dum. Bum-dum-dum-dum-dum. Yeah. Bum-dum-dum.

Bum-dum-dum-dum-dum. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back with Michael Ian Black and Comedy Zone Michael Ian Black. You know what I mean? Comedy has taken you. Right, you could say comedy zone or he's in the comedy zone. Yeah.

And do you feel like at this point in your career, are you like, you know what? I've been doing this now for 20 years, 20 plus years, probably 23 maybe? Something like that. I've been doing this now and I got this. I know what to do. No, not at all.

Do you feel that way? Yes. No. I'm really good at it do. No, not at all. Do you feel that way? Yes. No. I'm really good at it now. No. Does anybody ever feel that way? I mean, there's a certain foundational feeling that you have.

I have my tricks. I have a sense of how to do this, but every time you gotta write a new joke, it's like, I don't know where it's going to come from. Yeah. And how often do you write these new jokes? Are you the type of person who's like, every day, wake up, put on a pot of coffee, OK, I'm not going to leave

until I write one joke. I only work on jokes when I'm writing stand up, which I happen to be doing at the moment. Really? Tell us one of your jokes, your best one. Write my best, best, best, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. There's a thing about, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba Do you know any jokes? Why did? Yeah, you don't know any jokes. I know one.

Okay, what do you got? What do you get when you put a sandwich in your locker? Tell me. Grounded meat. I don't understand that. This call back to a previous episode. It's not funny to me. I didn't even know what the punchline was gonna be

till I said it. And guess what? It was perfect. All right, Todd. I mean, I didn't enjoy it. Well maybe you should listen to the canon. You know what we should do, speaking of jokes, and then maybe this will get the artistic juices flowing, we should play a little game of Riddle Me This.

I like it. Riddle her. Oh, this is a good song. Riddle her. That I like it. Psh, pssh, pssh. Riddler. Psh, pssh, pssh. Oh, this is a good song. Psh, pssh, pssh. Riddler. That was a good song.

That's a good song. That's a really good song. All right, we all know how to play Riddle Me This. First of all, we have to vote on whether we're gonna go clockwise or counterclockwise. Michael, how do you like to vote? Clockwise, always. Clockwise, Todd? Clockwise. All right, I was gonna say counterclockwise, but unfortunately I'm

voted out. So why would you ever go counterclockwise when you have the option of going clockwise? Here's the thing, you're gonna wish we said counterclockwise. The first person always says clockwise and they should say counterclockwise. But why'd you go clockwise for the vote then? You should go counterclockwise when you take the vote. Because it tricks the person, it tricks person in position number one into saying clockwise, because if it went counterclockwise, I would have to start. But why does it always start with you? Why couldn't it be me?

It's my game, all right? All right, here's how we're gonna play it. Michael, you're gonna start? You just said you were gonna start. Nope. And... No, okay, you're right. I do start and it goes clockwise. That is how we play, okay.

I start. What I'm gonna do is I'm going to say the setup for what appears to be a riddle or a joke. Okay, this is not one that exists. It's a lot like what Todd did, okay? Creating content. Creating content, which is what we're doing. You're a content creator, Michael.

You're a famous content creator. I love content. Oh, the world needs more of it. It's the best. But we've talked about this on the show before. For every content creator, there should be a content eraser, who's like our arch enemy. That's a great idea.

Out there just erasing everything that we do, and then we have to catch up with each other. It's like the fugitive, Tommy Lee Jones. Well, do you know who the content eraser is? Who's that? Time. Yes. Time. Memory, you forget. I have a friend. Who's that? Time. Yes. Time.

Yes. Memory, you forget. I have a friend, the timekeeper, who talks about that a lot. Now, I'm going to say the setup to a, what sounds like a joke, then we're going to go clockwise, and you are going to give your best answer

for what the answer to this joke or riddle is. So this is like match game? Yeah, except the blank is the entire punchline. Uh-huh. Okay, and it's called riddle me this Yeah, I just call it match game, but you do what you got to do. Okay, we're gonna go You're gonna do it. You're gonna do it and then we all vote on Who gave the best answer you can't vote for yourself? Okay? So actually you guys are gonna have to vote for each other So So you guys, when we play with three people, you'll cancel each other out. So it's the person who does the riddle then votes. So you're

saying you win no matter what? No, no, no, I vote between you two. So one of you will win. And then we each get to do a riddle. You each get to do a riddle and we'll see who wins after three rounds. Oh, you don't have to yawn right into the mic. Just go, just go. All right, here we go. Round number one. How many runs are there? Well, we'll each get one and then we'll see where we are

at the end of that. It may be a tie and then we'll have to do a tiebreaker. All right, here we go. How many garbage men does it take to drive to the movies? How many garbage men does it take to drive to the movies? I wish I'd take counter-clockwise. See? All right, we're gonna need your answer.

Don't think, as the UCB say. Right, right, right. How many garbage men does it take? And whoever has the funniest one gets voted for, so bear that in mind. You know joke and riddle structure, it usually is some sort of call back to the person's job or a pun or something like that.

Oh, uh-huh. You know what I mean? All right, so here we go. How many garbage men does it take to drive to the movies? Three. One, to drive the truck. And two, to shake down the movie theater owners

because the garbage industry is controlled by the mob. Very good, very good, very good. All right, Todd, we go to you. Repeat the question. All right, here we go. How many garbage men does it take to drive to the movies? Two. One to drive the truck and one to suck his dick. Okay.

All right, now I get to vote because traditionally, if we play this with four people, we would all- Are you serious? You're always going to be involving sucking your dick. No. I swear to God. Okay, we're going to hold you serious? You're always gonna be involving sucking your dick. No! I swear to God. Okay, we're gonna hold you to that. I swear to Allah.

Okay, so because you can't vote for yourself, you would have to vote for Todd. Todd, you can't vote for yourself. You would have to vote for Michael. So it comes to me for the tiebreaker. And I'm gonna say the most on topic to garbage men would be Michael. So Michael, you get the point.

You said funniest! Well, look, yes, there are reasons why you've said what you said is funny, but... But you think his is actually funny. His is actually... Structurally a better joke. Exactly. While not being funny, it at least kept to the rules of the game. Exactly. All right. So now, Michael, you do your setup for a joke or a riddle.

A bear, a rooster, and a camel walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey, you guys, we don't serve your kind. And that's it? I think that's it that's it okay all right now we're gonna go over to Todd as we're going clockwise a bear or rooster in a giraffe a camel oh what a bear rooster in a camel okay walk into a bar do I have this right yeah and the bartender says hey, you don't serve your kind And then they said

Well, we're still gonna stay because we deserve to be served wherever we go because this is a town that shouldn't be racist hmm Okay, I think you might want to add something about sucking his dick and then they suck the camel's dick So it came with the water out of the hump. Good, good, good, good, good, good. Okay, good, good. Okay, we don't serve your kind, because it's not hump day. Uh-huh. You, this isn't a gay bar and you are a cock. Right. You this isn't a gay bar, and you are a cock right and You're not wearing any clothes in there because you're bare and there's a sign that says no sure no shoes no shirt No service get out of here perfect. Okay. I'm gonna go with Todd You know cuz he said social commentary, Okay, well that's true, okay.

I appreciate that. All right, Todd, your turn. All right, all right. Now this is a popular game you guys play? Oh yeah. People love this. It's the most popular, yeah. Now, bear in mind, Michael, the money is on you.

If you get this point, you're the winner. Right. And Todd, you're in the game, so remember that with your vote. I decide. Right. What do you get when you cross a briefcase with a wallet? What do you get when you cross a briefcase with a wallet?

And there's one right answer. I think I know it. What do you get when you cross a briefcase with a wallet? All right. Uncle Scott goes first. A... What you get... What you get is you get a...

What you get is... is a... here's the thing. What you get... It's not that hard. It's not that hard? You get a wallet with a handle. Close, but wrong. You get a handle on where your money is. Okay, alright.

That was actually it. Okay, let's vote. I just did. Wait, that was it? Wow, Michael, you're our winner. Congratulations. It was a perfect Laffy Taffy joke. Did you come up with... Here we go.

Here's the thing. Riddler. Oh, this is a good song. Riddler. That was a good song. That's a good song. That's a really good song. I was happy to hear that song

Is that a riddle that you came in with already? You'll never know Tell me no, okay. Okay good, but that was a really good answer. That was a good aunt Michael See that's you almost had it credit where credit's due. That was a really credit card credit credit card credit card credit card credit You already lost okay Pull it pull this one out. That was a really good answer. Thanks. Yeah See popsicle stick answer so why don't you use that in your act? Oh, it's going in my ass Can you say that I came up with the first half of course?

Can you project a slide of Todd? Yes, of course. I'm not a joke thief good What do you think of joke thieves? They're the worst people on earth, aren't they? They're the worst. How could you do that? How could you do that? Wouldn't you just feel bad? I would feel terrible. What are you stealing jokes for? Why you gotta do that? You can't make your own jokes?

Why you gotta go and do that? Go over there and make some jokes. Go sit in the corner and make some jokes until you come up with a joke. Just make a joke. Make a joke. Has anybody ever stolen a joke from you? One would have to come up with a joke originally. Right, right, right, right.

In order for one to have a joke stolen. Right. Yeah. I tend to think most of the time jokes aren't actually stolen. I don't think they are. That's the thing. Everyone gets upset about joke thieves nowadays and they're like, joke thieves, joke thieves, joke thieves. Yeah, there are a couple of egregious cases where someone goes up and does someone's act verbatim

or sits in the back of the room and then sees it. But it's on Twitter and stuff like that. Oh no, on Twitter I've never seen it. Other than people who just do that. That's their account. Right. Like the men's humor, is that what that is that guy is yeah Yeah, or the or the pastor dude or whatever yeah, yeah, you know but a fake Chris Rock the freight Chris I've been burned by him a bunch really he's stealing your tweets. No. I just always think they're his Why don't you every time got egg on my face yeah. Because it's funny to hear them in his cadence.

Yeah. But they're not if you Google them. Yeah. They're other people's jokes. Yeah. That fake Tina Fey with the hamburger. Remember when Twitter first came her? Is she still there?

I don't know. Uh huh. Yeah. Everyone thought it was Tina Fey like, whoa. Well they were good. They were good tweets. They were good tweets. So you think, oh yeah.

She would never burn tweets on Twitter. Tina, no. She's too smart, too savvy. She puts her tweets in the actual show. Yeah. All right, guys, well, you know what? We're just about at the end of the show. We just have one last thing to do.

This has been a fun bonus episode, but we just have one last feature, and that's a little something called Plugs. Hey, you're fuckin' queer, reno, reno. Hey, knock, man. That was Pluggy Wood Handbag by Beef Sounds. Cool voice. I like that one, that was cool. What'd you think of that one, Michael? Loved it.

Loved it, ringing endorsement from you. Loved it. All right, what are we plugging? Michael, you've got so much content that you've created. Where do you start? I'm a content creator. I mean, look, if you want to see me, you can see me on another period, on Comedy Central, Tuesdays, Tuesdays.

Mm-hmm. Maybe you're busy Tuesday. No, I'm not. All right, well, but you're not allowed. I know. Yeah, you're not allowed to watch another period. That's a gross show. You know what I mean?

God forbid you ever learn what a period is. I know what it is. What? What do you think it is? It's a gross show you know what I mean God God forbid you ever learned what a period is I know what it is what what do you think it is it's a mincey's that's right but then maybe so you're watching TV on Wednesday sure so you watch the Jim Gaffigan show sure Wednesdays all full so you got bingoed at yeah you got not you're working two jobs you know in this economy mm-hmm so you got a little bit free time you check out What on American Summer on Netflix. Well I bet that on the 31st of this month, you could- That would be the time to do that. And I hate to use this word, but I will.

I think it applies in this case, you could binge watch them. You could binge watch it. Maybe you can't wait until the 31st, and your Tuesdays and Wednesdays are booked. So you gotta see me now. See me now, see me now. Get Smosh on VODOD on the 24th there. You just go online, you find Smosh the movie. And then how much does it cost?

I don't know. Maybe, maybe I'll like, Michael, Michael, I don't watch TV. I've cut the cord. It's not my thing, I only read books. I only read books, Michael. All right, well, you know, you're gonna have to wait a couple months, but you can check out my new children's

book, Cockadoodledoobop, comes out in October. Can I get that? No, you're not allowed, you're gonna have to wait a couple months, but you can check out my new children's book cockadoodledoo bop comes out in October No, you're not allowed you're too old But yeah, Michael Michael, I love to read but I'm not a child and I don't want to wait two months Well, then you could wait eight months and you can get or what's this for five months and you can get my new book for adults What about your old book you can get that when you're not doing it right. That's available in bookstores now. Yeah. What about your podcast you dirty freak? I only have three but if you want to if you want to listen to the podcast you can check out Mike and Tom Eat Snacks. You can check out Topics here on your Wolf Network. You can check out

How to Be Amazing or maybe you just want to see me perform live. I just want to see you perform live. Yeah you can do that. I'm all over the place. How do I get this info about where you are? I don't... I actually don't know. Twitter. But I follow you and I have no idea where you're performing. Well, I tweet it. Okay. Maybe you're gonna follow me at Mike Lee in black. Maybe. Yeah. Okay, there's an idea. Fantastic. Is that all the content you have? There's more, but I don't want to brag. Okay, good. Yeah. I think up till then, you were not bragging. One more and it would be bragging.

It would be. I'm not going to go over the line. Yeah. OK, very good. Todd, I'll let you plug something if you want to plug something. OK. Well, I'm going to plug two things and I don't have anything to do with them. OK. But I just heard that they're good. OK. You should listen to with special guest Lauren Lapkus on earwolf.org. I will not allow you to listen to that. I know, but I heard it's good.

That's a dirty show. It's a dirty show. It's explicit content. And you should watch Clipped on TBS. Okay. Because Ashley Tisdale from Sweet Life is on that show. But so is Lauren Lapkus. Okay, so you like this Lauren Lapkus character?

I just heard of her. Yeah, what do you think? She's great. Yeah. She's amazing. Yeah, you like female content creators I like female content creators and on the show. She plays a really Sweetheart who's dumb and religious And I love that you love dumbness and religion. Yeah, they're not one in the same but for this character there. Okay

So you can sense that that this person is religious because they're dumb? Yeah, she's dumb because she's naive. Oh, okay. But she's really wholesome and whatever. Wow, okay, sounds like a great character. Yeah. I'd love to follow her exploits. At Lauren Lapkus on Twitter and Instagram. All right, very good.

I'd like to plug tonight, the Comedy Bang Bang TV show. This is my favorite episode in this 10 episode cycle. We have Brie Larson on the couch as well. I just met her. You did? I'm not trying to name drop, but I just met her. What'd you think? In Comic Con.

I thought she had a real crush on me. I doubt that. This is a funny, funny show. We have a little orphan, Forvel is on this show. Oh no, I met Alice in Bree. Oh. Different person. Totally different.

I don't know who Bree Larson is. She's in Trainwreck currently. She plays the sister in Trainwreck. I don't know who that is. She was on United States of Terror. That's such a good show. So that is tonight. Make sure you check out that episode.

It's my favorite one. I also want to say have Hey Nong Man t-shirts in the store. We also have All Joking a Salad t-shirts in the store. And we have the episode from Comic-Con that we just did with Taryn Killam and Paul F. Tompkins and Derek Waters. That's in the store as well. So you have Tracy Reardon shirts in the store, whoever that is. I don't care. And, uh. Taryn's a dear friend, Paul's a dear friend. Mm-hmm, what about Derek?

Dear friend. I would say he's a good friend, I wouldn't say he's a dear friend. Okay, but the other two are dear friends. Dear friends. Wow, fantastic, I'd love to become one of your dear friends. You are. Thank you so much.

You absolutely. What about me? You're a good friend. No, that's fine. Okay, do you walk around just judging your friends all the time of how dear they are to you? Well, if I've met them at all, they're good fine. Okay. Do you walk around just judging your friends all the time of how dear they are to you? Well if I've met them at all, they're good friends. And then if we've exchanged words, they're dear friends. Okay, so Allison Bree slash Bree Larson is a dear friend.

Even though you don't quite have a handle on her name. That's right. Okay, very good. All right, that's it. Let's close up the old plug. Oh no, I wanted to, before we do that, I want to talk about our donors. Thank you, Cody We're breezing through these donors. If you've donated I'm trying to to get the word out to you. We have a backlog Thank you so much. First of all, Dave Ross Dave Ross. That's a nice simple name. Thank you. No pronunciation guide needed Dave Ross

Thank you so much Tyler Brands Perfect name cool the perfect name. I couldn't Brands. Perfect name. Cool. The perfect name. I couldn't think of a better name. Especially in today's marketing savvy culture. You want to have a Brands. You need to have a Brands. Okay, and here we go. Michael Ramuda? Probably Ramuda? Ramuda? Something like that. Less perfect of a name. Yeah. When you're talking about Tyler Brands. But probably has to work harder on his character to make up for the shitty name. That's true. So you're probably a better person than Brands over here.

But thank you guys. Thank you so much. All of you, something special coming out to you. Thank you so much. Alright, now let's close up the old plug bag. Closing up the plug bag. Mendo, mendo, mendo, mendo, mendo. Closing up the plug bag.

Mendo, mendo, mendo, mendo, mendo. Brow. That is a good song. That is a good song. That is a good song. That song's okay. That's a great song. I didn't like that song. Was that even a song? That's a good song. What do you think of that song, Michael? I liked it. I loved it.

10 out of 10. All right, guys. This has been fun. Thank you so much. I'm glad that we could convene. I'm glad that you made your way over in that dirigible from KTL. I'm glad that you made your way over in that dirigible from KTL. I'm glad that you made your way over in that dirigible Thank you so much. I'm glad that we could convene.

I'm glad that you made your way over in that dirigible from KTLA. I appreciate it. I'm just realizing I forgot to tie it down. No! Yes. No, you gotta get out there! It's gone. It's probably gone. Is that what happens to all of your dirigibles?

I mean, often, yeah. How high do they get before they just float away into space? To Pluto? They go, yeah. They just go they get before they just float away into space? Yeah. To Pluto? They go, yeah, they just go and they never stop. Oh, no. I'm really fucked on the dirigible. Because now that I've lost so many, they make me put down a significant down payment

that I just lose if it floats away. Oh, no. Do they make you put down another dirigible as a down payment? Yeah. Oh. I'm so sorry. But thank you.

I appreciate it. Hey, you're already blindfolding me? Jeez. Yeah, sorry. Got to get you in the van. appreciate it. Hey, you're already blindfolding me? Jesus. Yeah, sorry, gotta get you in the van. Damn it. Don't start counting turns.

Right turn, left turn, left turn, right turn. I will. Don't figure out what street we live on. Okay, don't listen to the sounds of nature outside. I wanna hear it. What's a squirrel do? You always say that. I don't know if it's true.

No, it's not true. I don't think. All right, thanks. We'll see you next time. Bye. You always say that, I don't know if it's true. No, it's not true, I don't think. Alright, thanks, we'll see you next time, bye!