Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Paul F. Tompkins, Dave Theune, Toni Charline (More-imony Tony)

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

This is episode 4 in our "More-imony Tony" series, originally #740 titled "A Bar Mangled Manor," airing January 16, 2022. Song parodist Alimony Tony returns to talk to Scott about his exciting new divorce. Then, attorney Robby Delmuda drops by to talk about representing himself in a major trial. Later, Max the Dog stops by in hopes of getting adopted. Plus, Alimony Tony debuts a new parody song! Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and welcome to another bonus bang. Bonus bangs, of course, are episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we have done in previous years that we are taking and trotting, perhaps, out from behind the paywall for your listening pleasure. Now we're in the middle of a series called Morimony Tony. This is our fourth episode of Morimony Tony. This is where we are revisiting some of the best episodes

with Alamony Tony played by Paul F. Tompkins. This week's episode was originally numbers and still is as far as I'm concerned, number 740. It aired January 16th, 2022, just three years ago. It features Paul F. Tompkins, of course, as Alamone Tony. Dave Tooney is attorney, that's hard to say, Tooney attorney, as attorney Robbie Delmuda, and Tony Charlene as Max the dog.

Now, Alamone Tony gets to talk about his exciting new divorce and debuts his newest parody song. It's a great time. I remember taping this right out in my backyard. This is still in the middle of COVID. So now if you like what you hear and you wanna hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber at cbbworld.com

where you can find every single episode we've ever done as well as every live episode we've ever done over the past 15 years, including the 43 live episodes we did in 2024. We're gonna be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang. comedy bang bang comedy bang bang comedy bang bang comedy bang bang comedy bang bang comedy bang bang comedy bang bang comedy bang bang comedy bang bang comedy bang bang

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack be slinging that big old dick, welcome to comedy bang bang. Oh my word. No? Oh my word. Thank you to Pugsley's Chicken. Pugsley's Chicken for that. I wonder if that's a restaurant or a person. Is it a reference to the Adams family?

Oh, did Pugsley have a chicken in the Adams family? No. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. Perhaps in the cartoons, the Charles Adams cartoons. Perhaps he started a restaurant, Pugsley's Chicken. Much like the chicken in, yes. Like Popeye started. Popeye, well, Popeye has cornered the market with cartoon-charactered chicken restaurants.

Why doesn't Pugsley start? But now Popeye doesn't appear on any of the packaging or the promotion anywhere, right? It leads me to believe that it is a different Popeye, that it's like Popeye Brown. Perhaps an actual human being who was unfairly called Popeye. Yes, perhaps someone with some sort of a, what was Popeye's condition?

He had one eye or... Because his name implies that he has a bug eye. He had acromagali. Oh, okay. Yeah, Popeye, it seems to only have one eye. I don't know why they would make him a Popeye. Maybe they're talking about his working eye? Wow, look at that. Compared to his other eye,

it's popping out. Why did they call him working guy? Working Guy. He wasn't Working Guy, he was one of our armed forces. Thank you for your service, Popeye. Wasn't that the Jonathan Silverman show, Working Guy? Yes, that's right. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Okay, that's for you and me. Welcome to the show. Hey, this is what I sound like, right? I believe so. Okay, I'm just checking. I mean, it sounds great to me. I have not been me a while, I just wanted to make sure that's what I sound like.

I do believe you are yourself. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Ackerman. We have an incredible show coming up. The person that you have been hearing, I will introduce in a second, but coming up a little later on the show. I could wait. Oh, good.

I'm glad. What if you couldn't? Because it is an incredible show and I don't want to be the person who's holding it up. Sure. Although you just interrupted me and you are holding it up. Very good point. I do apologize. So you enter the listener.

Oh, okay. That's very polite of you. What about the people who are not listening? I suppose I can apologize to them, but I don't know what good it does. Well maybe they'll hear about it second hand or third hand. So a listener would tell a non-listener, hey, you got an apology from somebody on this podcast I listen to. Tell a friend.

Albertsons. Where I grew up on the East Coast, it was a different chain. Well, it was Alan Hamill, who was Suzanne Summers' husband. Sure. And maybe still is. Maybe still is, although Suzanne Summers has been on the billion dollar properties. No, what is it? That's bajillion dollar properties. Million dollar listing. Oh, really? Yes. She's been on that recently trying to sell her Palm Springs home and I believe she has a husband I don't know whether it's Alan

Hamill or not I believe it still is and I think maybe they're moving into a supermarket tell a friend but who was it it was Alan Hamill and I but I can't remember the supermarket chain oh no it was on the East Coast no because Albertsons didn't exist on the East Coast. Why do things not exist on the East Coast? And like, are people's minds so different on either side of the Mississippi, the great Mississippi by the way. Exactly.

Do you agree with that sentiment? It is great. And it's mighty. The mighty Mississippi. It sure is. It's mighty. But I think that it's to keep order in the nation because we're such a big country.

I don't know if any other. To keep us divided. Yes, they want us to fight. Hellman's versus best foods. Whoever wins, we lose. Hardee's versus Raleigh's? No, Hardee's and Carl's Jr., I believe. Hardee's versus Carl's Jr.

Raleigh's is worldwide. Raleigh's takes no sides. Raleigh's is worldwide. Rally's takes no sides. Rally's is Switzerland. That's right, the Switzerland of the C-tier fast food chains. C-tier? C-tier. C-tier. It's my Mid-Atlantic accent. That's right. It sounds like I'm saying T. That's not a clue as to your identity. No, it is not. By the way, if anyone's guessed who this is, please send your guesses in. Yes, text Comedy Bang Bang. One for I know, two for yes. If you just text Comedy Bang Bang, would I get it? I wonder. Somebody's got to get it. Someone's got to get it. Maybe God. Put? Oh, God himself. You think? Him or herself, theirself. Theirself. Well, maybe God's are they them? What if God was they them? The original non-binary.

God. That makes sense, that makes sense. He's got three identities already. The father, the son, the Holy Ghost. It's kind of weird to split up your- The three men I admire most forever. American Pie, John McLean. Oh, I thought you meant the movie.

He was Don McLean on the East Coast. Didn't make any sense. We'll get to you in a second. By the way, I thought you meant the movie. He was Don McLean on the East Coast. LAUGHS Didn't make any sense. We'll get to you in a second. Um, by the way, we're out in the backyard again. Yes, I do not want to hold things. We're wearing cardigans, we're in the backyard again. LAUGHS

Uh, my name is Scott Ackerman. I don't know whether I said that or not, but, uh, that is who I am. And, uh, we're in my backyard, and we have some great guests coming up a little later on the show. So good, so good. We have someone from the animal Kingdom, which is great because... Is it Jackie Weaver?

Jackie Weaver? I'm sorry, that's the movie Animal Kingdom. Oh, okay. I was like, did she play? No, I don't think so. Was she in Pig? No, she was not in Pig as far as we know. What?

Were you saying she was playing the titular pig? The titular pig. By the way, when I say someone from the animal kingdom, I am not talking about dog the bounty hunter. I'm not talking about someone with an animal species as a name. Catmower. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about literally someone from the-

Free dog night. Certainly. The rest. It's a good way to cut someone off and stop a bit, by the way. Just saying. The rest. We'll see about that. But it's great because- It's a good way to cut someone off and stop a bit by the way. It's just safe. They're asked. We'll see about that. But it's great because-

Boy dog pondering. Great band. A lot of people don't know them. But this is of course, for a while this was Humanities podcast and then we branched out into the podcast of the animal kingdom. So apparently word has gotten out. When did this happen? This happened late last year, I believe.

We thought that was too limiting to just be humanity's podcast. Well, now it seems like you're going from humanity to just animals. Is that not the case? No, we haven't gone to minerals quite yet. I did not say minerals. I apologize if that's what you heard. I, so are you saying...

No vegetables, no minerals, quite yet. It's no, none taken. But you're saying it's gone from being a podcast for humanity to being a podcast for the animal kingdom Oh, no, no, it's not just for oh, no, that would be a severe blow to our list. What's the official tagline now humanity? Well, gosh, okay. We haven't quite figured this out, but it was humanities podcast and now it's humanity plus the animal Kingdoms podcast But that sounds very clunky. Do you have any can you punch this up? What if it's the podcast for all creatures, great and small? There we are.

Do you remember those books? I remember they existed. Can you imagine in 20, the 2020s, ever reading a book about a veterinarian? Like we've moved on so far from that. And he's not, he doesn't kill people. Like what is he, he just saves animals. A veterinarian who happens to kill people.

He loves animals so much, he wants humanity dead. How about a book about a podiatrist? Sure. But can you imagine? I read them all as a youth. Did you really? Yes. Didn't you know there was a TV show? You gotta save yourself some time. Oh, damn it. One of the Doctor Who's was in it.

Which one? The blonde guy. Doctor Who? The one who wore the cricket outfit. So not Matt, what's his name? No, this is an old school Dr. Who. Sure. Yeah, the fifth doctor. The fifth doctor? Peter Davidson.

Oh, okay, Peter, wait, Pete Davidson. Not Pete Davidson. Not Pete Davidson. Should he be Dr. Who next? Peter Davidson, and he was covered with tattoos, but he is not Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson should be Dr. Who next. I mean, he's got that big dick energy.

Like Doctor Who has. Exactly. Especially these past few seasons. Right? I feel like there was an episode of Doctor Who recently where he pulled a letting grab us. Where his big dongle just popped out. Yeah.

We need Pete Davidson in this role. Look, kids are watching this. You know what I mean? That's inappropriate. But now that no longer a problem because the doctor is a woman. Literally. The doctor is a woman, you're a sexist. Well, we'll get back to you in a second. But coming up a little later, someone from the animal kingdom. Exciting.

Which is very exciting. We also have an attorney. Oh. An attorney. At law? I believe at law, yes. I believe you have had usage of many attorneys over the years. Oh yes, indeed I have. Now hold on a second.

Why is it attorney at law? What are the kind of attorneys? Actor at acting. I've never heard of any. Podiatrist at foot doctoring. Doctor at doctor whoing. Doctor at, oh I like that. Doctor at Foot Doctor. Doctor at Doctor Who-ing. Oh, I like that. Doctor at science fiction. Because attorney, that's just what it is. It's a practitioner of the law.

Maybe it implies that someone is actually practicing and has not had their license revoked. Are you still allowed to call yourself an attorney if you've been defrocked? Can you call yourself an attorney at you've been defrocked? Can you call yourself an attorney at law if you have not passed the bar? Nor have you ever even tried? Like legally, could you put out an ad saying I'm an attorney? The rules of an attorney. Wonderful musical. You know, I love song parodies.

You do, that's right. And that's another clue as to your identity. Text comedybangbang. But let's get to you because those are all in the future and we are talking about the present right now with our first guest. Are these things yet to come? Yes, they are. Stop pointing your bony finger at me. Will they or maybe?

No, you're the bony finger guy. If I'm asking the question, I'm asking the question too. Scrooge had bony fingers. Scrooge you. I'm kidding question too. Scrooge had bony fingers. Scrooge you! Ha ha, I'm kidding. Didn't Scrooge have bony fingers? He was an older gentleman. I think he's characterized as being slender, yes. Yes, he's slender with a...

Not the slender man! Maybe Scrooge is the slender man. Have you ever thought about the connections between these two characters? I mean, he has to have died at some point. Probably, although they heavily imply, Dickens implies he isn't immortal. Really? Yes.

I don't, huh. I haven't read it in a while. A lot of times, you'll read the prose and it'll be like, the never aging Scrooge turned to his, the never aging Scrooge, turned to his employee, the getting older every second, Bob Cratchit. Wow. Do you think things got better for them at work after that one Christmas?

I think he slipped back into just his same old patterns after about one month, probably. But do you think that he was more aware of it so Bob Cratchit could say, you're doing it again? Hey, call me on this if I do. Listen, I've had a total change of my outlook of life. I know that old habits die hard. If I start to backslide, call the order. What if Scrooge is only nice on Christmas after that?

That's the lesson he learned. We have to send them back, send all the ghosts back. Like, hey, we were talking about all year. Because the ghosts just take him back to Christmases. He thinks like, okay, it's Christmas, I got it. I understand what you're trying to tell me now. I'm not going to die now, right? He's still, I got it. I understand what you're trying to tell me now. I'm not gonna die now, right? He's still like a real jerk.

Although his lesson was not that he wasn't gonna die, it was that people were not gonna show up to his funeral. Now this is the thing, a friend of mine got into this online with some people who thought that Scrooge's, uh, uh, uh, uh, his change, his transformation happened just to save himself. But it's like, he knew he was gonna die. I like to think he'll still die on the exact same day.

Although maybe, like, one of the lessons he takes from this is he has to look after his health. Do you think, I don't think that was in there. I mean, he's looking at his gravestone, and if they happen to put, like, how he died on it, do they do that on gravestones? They should. They really should should although it could be embarrassing, you know, somebody just fell down But I think that something too big up his butt I think it's too big Size in a place for everything that it killed the person sure What would that like a building?

Climb up to the top of the Washington Monument? But I think in those days looking after your health was like, don't eat meat for one meal a week. Yeah, what could they even do back then? There was like, you know what I mean? Everyone was thin because no one had enough food. Except for rich people who were very fat. That's true, that was a sign of wealth. Yes. Yes.

Yes. But I mean, what else could you do? Like old Fezziwig. What else could you do? You were thin, which means you do you have to exercise all that much if you're super, super thin because you're not eating all that much? It seems like that would burn too many calories. You were thin. If you were pale, it was because you worked in an office. If you were tanned, it was because you worked outdoors. Right. And maybe, I mean, there were no, like, low cholesterol drugs.

No drugs? There were no drugs at all. Although there was pod. Was there? Were people smoking marijuana back then? In Dickens' days? Yes. What were the Dickens' days? Which century is that? I don't even know. Well it's the 19th century. Okay, the 1800s.

1800s. So you think they're smoking some dank weed? That's some kind of bud. They got some nugs, some dank nugs. Hey Cratchit, come on into my office here. It probably wasn't illegal. People didn't know what it was. They were like, look at it. They don't even know it. They smoked it by accident. Like, oh, I got a bad deal of this tobacco. It made me crazy. You know how everything, like, you wonder who the first people are

who ever did something like, hey, let's set this on fire. Like, is there stuff that we... Let's set this on fire. Let's set this on fire and inhale the smoke. Who was the first artist to set this on fire? I'm talking about pot. Oh, I see. But is there something that we haven't done to something out there

that would be great? You know what I mean? Mm. No. Like, or have we discovered everything? We've done it all. Like every single thing in the world, have we discovered what to do? Have we tried setting everything on fire? People having sex with buildings.

We've done it all. We've done it all. What is that song that talks about that? People having sex with buildings, is that it? No, I don't think so. Okay, I try to write one real quick. He is a song parodist, of course. We know him primarily as that.

It's a hobby. What, really? You shouldn't. Well, that's right. Your other interests are perhaps more germane. Climax. Jemagest. He is our first guest on the show. He is a returning favorite.

People enjoy his presence on this show, and that is why I ask for him to return. And... You asked for me by name. That's right. Tell a friend. And he is a very rich person who has been married, I believe at last count, it was in the 20s or 30s, was it not? I think the last time I saw you was probably in the 20s.

Now it's in the 30s, yes. Right, so you're in your 30s. So you've already been married at least eight five three, eight six seven five three oh nine times. I'm just guessing in numbers. Yes, my last wife was Jenny. Oh, okay. I know her. Please welcome back to the show Alamoni Tony.

Hello, everyone. It is I, Alamoni Tony. I'm so glad to be back on the podcast, Scott. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for coming, and welcome to my backyard. This is the first time you've been in my backyard. It is. Oh, there's a truck going by, UPS, somebody's getting a delivery.

Uh-oh, not me. I've stopped all deliveries. Really? Why is that out of safety concerns? Yeah, I don't want anything coming into the house without, basically without any inspection or anything like that. Oh, is there, are we hearing brakes now? What is that that we're hearing? It's a little beeping, maybe a backup? Not like last week. That went off for quite a long time. That was a huge backup. And was that in your driveway? No, no People claimed that it was yes. It was this is great to get behind the steering. Oh, no

He's he was turning around turning around going on the other way. Imagine getting to the top of the street and saying ah shit I Went the wrong way. Can you imagine such a life such an existence? I lacked the imagination But welcome back to the show first time you've been in my backyard. I apologize. There's no one for you to marry back here. That's alright. I'll find somebody sooner or later. Probably someone who's coming up on the show. Oh, maybe. We'll see. Well, you did say the animal kingdom and an attorney.

And an attorney, yeah. Are neither of those interesting to you? The attorney might work out. We'll see. Okay, but not the animal kingdom. You... I mean, if you're saying it's an animal, then no. Okay. Have you ever run out of people to marry and then said, might work out, we'll see. Okay, but not the animal kingdom. I mean, if you're saying it's an animal, then no. Okay, have you ever run out of people to marry and then said, maybe I should turn to the animal kingdom? Scott, there's always someone to marry.

First of all, I've been very lucky. I'm a cis white male. I've married exclusively women. I'm not closing the door on anything. Who knows? I love to get married because- Why do people change their points of view on that later in life?

That's right, if people don't know why I love to get married because... Why do people change their points of view on that later in life? That's right. If people don't know why I love to get married, it's because more than anything, I love paying alimony. You love it. I love it. Now, you enjoy the marriages. Of course. I always marry for love. Sure. It hasn't worked out, but I do love paying the alimony.

And there's no hard feelings with any of your former wives. I'm friends with all of my former wives. Good friends. Well, to varying degrees, but we're all on positive terms. Okay. Some I talk to every day, some I talk to once a year. What do you love? Merry Christmas!

Like a Scrooge over here. What do you love about the paying of the alimony? Is it the writing of the check? Is it the seeing your bank balance deplete? What exactly is it that you love? My bank balance never depletes? What exactly is it that you love? Well, my bank balance never depletes, really, because I'm independently wealthy. My mother invented gaseous paper. So it does deplete, but at the same time you're gaining more than it ever depletes.

That's exactly right. And of course, every once in a while royalties for my song parodies. That's very rare. But when it happens, it's always fun. What's your most popular one? Oh, let's see. My most popular one... Just on the Spotify royalty rankings. I think it's my parody of the National Anthem. Right.

Of course, The Star-Spangled Banner. What's the title? Is it a parody of one of the lyrics, like say can you see or is it a parody of the National Anthem? It's a parody of the National Anthem which is the Star Spangled Banner which begins O say can you see? So I don't know if you thought there were two separate songs. No what's the title?

Oh the title of the parody. The title of the parody is another National Anthem which is a little nod to Stephen Sondheim. And the... RIP, by the way. Exactly. Rest in power. You really had to pause in between that. Are we allowed?

I wanted to say peace because he was so old, but I feel like I want to say power because I bet he could have done some more stuff. What's the dividing line between peace and power? It used to be leaders that we wanted to pump up you know we wanted to make sure that they like a Martin Luther King or whatever rest in power but at what point is it like no you know that person was in so much pain by the end they need to be resting in peace. An interesting delineation now what I took it to mean was someone who was who was taken

from us in their prime and they still had more that they could have done. Right. Rest in power. Right. But rest in peace is like somebody who's so old and retired, like they're done. Shouldn't there be something in between? Like?

Like rest in stasis. You know, like you were fine where you were, but you were also past your prime. You were fine where you were. You were past your prime, you were 36. Rest in stasis. Is that what you think past their prime is when it comes to your marriages? 36?

What do you mean? Have you ever married anyone older than 36? I've married many different ages. Really? Yes, I have. Like how old is the oldest? I have ex-wives who are deceased. What?

And I send alimony checks to the graves. Are they just collecting there in like an urn on there? Well, I mean, they have, of course they have a huge mausoleum courtesy of me. Oh wow. And there's a little mailbox in there. And so the checks go in there. There shouldn't be mailboxes at graves. I agree.

I would love that if I were, if I worked at the post office and someday I'll get there. If I worked there, I would love to be- Why? When they're stamps.com? That's a good point. Never go to the post office, and someday I'll get there. If I worked there, I would love to be- Why? When there's stamps.com? That's a good point. Never go to the post office again. But that would be great to have the graveyard shift. And I don't mean working late at night.

Although maybe they would make you- You mean the literal graveyard shift. It's like, you have to go deliver letters to these graves. Maybe they would force you to do it after midnight. We're going to let it all hang out. Do you like that song? I can't say that I like any Eric Clapton song. That's the weird part about it.

He really is, there's something about him that's just so boring. I've tried to go back and listen to first, I mean, the cream era is okay maybe, but like. In a white room. With black curtains. Okay, what now? At the station.

I went there, I sat in it, who cares? Right. Oh, do you want to answer? No one. No, okay, good. Thank you. What do you think of this new stuff, though? It's great. It's really good. He finally got me. He finally turned it around. Can't take this bullshit anymore. Oh, that's right. He doesn't say bullshit. Oh, okay. He censored himself before I had to.

So kids can listen to it. Where he's saying, He doesn't say bullshit. Oh, okay. He says it himself. Before I had to. Because so kids can listen to it. Yes. Where he's saying, I don't want to be in lockdown anymore. I don't care. I think it's BS and I want to go where I want to go. Where does he want to go?

Who knows? A laundromat? He's got a lot of clothes that he needs. Soiled clothing. Soiled clothing. That should be one of his song titles, Soiled Clothing. It's not a bad... It is. I was going to say it's not a bad song title, turns out it is. Soiled clothing. Soiled clothing. That should be one of his song titles. Soiled clothing. It's not a bad, it is. I was gonna say it's not a bad song title, turns out it is.

Soiled clothing. If you were to chance upon an unknown artist. Speaking of which, song titles. The name of my parody of the Saucepangled Banner is A Bar Mangled Banner. A bar mangled. No, sorry, a bar mangled manner. A bar mangled manner. Is that describing someone's, the way they do something in a bar-mangled manner? No, it is a manner, M-A-N-O-R.

Oh, oh, oh, okay, oh. And the parody is about someone opening a bar at Downton Abbey and destroying it. Oh! Opening a bar at Downton Abbey. Here's why it's fun, a little Easter egg, is that our national anthem is based on a British drinking song. Right.

And so I'm making it a drinking song again in England, but it's Americans go over there, and they set up a bar in Downton Abbey. They destroy the place. And this is your most popular. It's my most popular? Well, the TV show helped, because people like that TV show.

Oh, oh, oh. You had a TV show helped, because people like that TV show. Oh, oh, oh. You had a TV show based on it. Yes. That only aired in England. Two series, as they say, but not bad. Three episodes each. Was it considered an official Downton Abbey spinoff?

No, it was not. And that's why, I mean, it's a miracle we got those six episodes out, because we were in court pretty fast, considering. I'd wear a wig. I had to. When entertainment law in England, everyone has to wear a wig because it's entertainment. Even the plaintiffs. You got to put on a show for the people. The jurors, the observers of the gallery, everyone's wearing wigs. And it's not just the sort of the white wig. People, you can wear like a David Bowie wig, a Tina Turner wig.

Or a John 316 wig. Oh yeah, the white wig. People, you can wear like a David Bowie wig, a Tina Turner wig. And a John 316 wig. Oh yeah, the rainbow wig. Exactly. Yeah, boy, that guy had a very interesting story. He did have a very interesting story. He was like, I gotta get noticed to let people know for God so loved the world he became. It's only gotten sons to die for his sins.

And then afterwards though, even more interesting, I don't know if you've kept up with him. No, well, here's what I know. First, he started going to games and just, like, saying, like, kind of raising his voice, saying, John 316, John 316. Not working. Nope. I gotta get a sign. He got the sign.

John 316, John 316. He's like, I'm getting tired of saying this, but the sign, I think, is helping. I know what I'll do. I will add this rainbow wig. People will be saying, what's that guy doing? Oh, John 316. I gotta look that up.

A famous guy with a very, look him up, by the way, Alan Mooney, Tony, I think you'll find his... Well, I mean, I don't wanna, I wanna know right now, but I don't wanna take time out of the pocket. I wanna know right now. Do you love me forever? Me Loaf. Me Loaf.

Another interesting guy. I did a song parody of that song, but it's so long. Longer than the actual song? I added four verses to my parody of Paradise by the National Unite. His name, by the way, is Rowan Stewart. Rowan Stewart. Interesting. Arrest Stewart. Interesting. Arrested in 1992.

Why did he bother having a name? That's true. And, uh, what was he arrested for? Uh, let's see, some sort of standoff. Parking tickets, uh-oh. Standoff. Standoff in a Los Angeles hotel, uh, eight felonies, kidnapping, hostage-taking, all sorts of stuff.

Oops. John 316 not helping him. What code is that in the police... It's a 316. It's a 316. It's gotta be. Please let it be. It's gotta be.

Change it if it's not. If it was, yes, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Why are you here? I'm just here to see you and to spend time with you. I thought I was your co-host for this episode. Oh, yes.

No, that's right. Okay. But what's been going on in your life, I guess, is what I mean. Well, good news. I'm about to get divorced. Oh, congratulations! How am I to tell you? That's wonderful news. Thank you very much. How long has this marriage lasted?

Two weeks. And boy, we fell in love very quick. Oh, really? Yes. Her name... Her name was Jenny, right? You were... No, that was my last wife. Oh, that was your... My current wife, her... Her name was Jenny, right? You were... No, that was my last wife. Oh, that was your... Oh, I see. Her name is Hermione. Hermione.

Like Hermione from The Boy Who Lived books or... What's that? Uh, a wonderful book series by a notorious turf named J.K. Rowling called Harry Potter. And what is that about? Uh, it's about a boy with a disfiguring scar on his forehead. Ooh, a horror book.

Yeah. It's like a real Phantom of the Opera type guy. Oh, okay. That sounds fun. His whole life is affected by it. Considers himself to be very ugly. Oh, no. Well, this is sad.

How old a boy is he? I believe he's 11 or so in the first book, and he grows up to be all the way to 18, and I don't want to spoil the last book for him. He grows up to all the way to 18? Yep. That doesn't happen for a lot of people. And then he dies? No, he doesn't die right out. I don't want to spoil.

Oh, you said he was a boy who lived. Yes, well, he was supposed to die as a baby. Oh, why? According to another guy. Was it supposed to be an abortion? That's what they're referring to when they say the boy who lived. Harry Potter's mother decided at the last second not to get an abortion. Where does this take place?

I know it's in England, but I wonder if... So she goes to get an abortion, all the shops are shut? Because it's Christmas. It's Christmas Day! We can't perform abortions today. You there boy, where can I get an abortion? No way, mom! No one as big as me? It's Christmas Day!

Oh. What would that mean? An abortion as big as me? What would that mean? I don't know. I'm getting an abortion and it's going to be big. So Hermione or Hermione? Hermione. Hermione? Hermione.

Hermione. Hermione. How's it spelled? A-G-R. Okay, Hermione. Yes. Okay. And where did you meet Hermione?

We met at, you know, it's funny enough, we met at an Alphysons grocery store. Really? Yes. Okay, out here on the West Coast. Out here on the West Coast, yes, when I was in town to do your show. Okay. And was it, you were both in the same aisle? Were you in different aisles? Those are the two questions.

It's a very cute, it's a meat cute. It's a meat cute? Okay. And is it a M-E-A-T cute? Yes, because we were in the meat aisle! Oh, wow! We were in the meat aisle together. We were standing near each other, not looking at each other.

I picked up this package of meat that said it was impossible. We were in the meat aisle together. We were standing near each other, not looking at each other. I picked up this package of meat that said it was impossible. And I said, impossible, you say? Out loud? Yes. And she turned to me and said, hard to believe? And I said, wait, is that from a Tom Waits song? And she said, yes, it is.

It's when he was still doing the gravelly voice before he started singing through a bullhorn and stuff like that. And I said, yes, that's right. And we got to talking. Two music fans. Two music fans. Of a very specific sub-joker.

That's right. That's right. And we got to talking, and we really hit it off. And I said, this is going to sound crazy. Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. But here's my number. Marry me, maybe. And she said, let's do it. I like you. I think I could fall in love with you. We got married the same day. The exact same day in the supermarket?

Yes, we did. Wow. Who performed the ceremony? It was it was we we I got on the loudspeaker. You're not supposed to do this. I said, is there anybody here who was an ordained minister? And three people were in the Albertans. Three, wow. Yes, and so they were co-efficients.

Oh really, did they split up the responsibilities, like? They each took turns talking like that improv game, where you say one word at a time. Right, right. And we got married in the frozen foods aisle. Wow. Because the lighting from the, we were backlit by frozen foods aisle. Wow. Because the lighting from the, we were backlit by the freezers.

Sure. It was very dramatic and nice. Oh yeah. And I mean, people cried. Like people would gather around and some people were a little annoyed because they were trying to get at the ice cream and such. Sure.

But that was very few and far between. It was a long ceremony. We had a... A tradition. It was like a Catholic. It was a long ceremony. We had a tradition. It was like a Catholic. It was a Catholic ceremony. It was a full mass. Okay.

Okay. Okay. And the supermarket was happy about this or? They weren't sad. I mean, nobody really told us to knock it off or anything. Okay, no one called the police. No, there wasn't even an announcement at one point, like halfway through, attention shoppers,

there was a full Catholic wedding ceremony going on in the frozen foods aisle, if you'd like to watch. And it was wonderful. I mean, we, of course, we made up our own vows on the spot. Yeah, and it's very important to me to never use any previous vows that I've ever used. Not even the same words?

No, I don't want to... So, and and the must have been gone, like your Not even the same words? No, I don't want to... So, and and the must have been gone like your very first... Well, I mean, articles and conjunctions, you know, that's different. I'm trying to express, you know, a sentiment that is unique to my new spouse, and I don't want to just cheat and paraphrase previous vows.

So, your copy of the thesaurus must be dog-eared as hell. It is, and I carry it with me everywhere I go when kids like get married. You just engage, you had it that day, I would hope. Of course I had it that day. Right, are you crossing out words in the thesaurus that you've used in your vows? I mean, it must be so marked out.

It makes it so much easier. Sure. So this is incredible, and how soon after you were married did the problem start? I would say the second week, the beginning of the second week. So first week honeymoon period. What a wonderful week that was.

Did you run out of Tom Waits records to talk about? I mean, we did talk about other things in addition to that. But did you answer your question? Yes, we did. We started talking about our Clapton, of did. We started talking about her, clapped it, of course. We talked about painting our room white in our home. Putting up black curtains.

Exactly. And moving near the station. And then the beginning of the second week, it seemed like we didn't have as much in common as we thought. Was that the only thing you had in common? Yeah, it turns out we had more differences than we had commonalities. What were the differences?

Well, there was an age difference. Oh, really? She's older or you're older? She's older. She was significantly older. She was 78 years old. 78, okay. You're, I've never quite asked you.

Well, let's just say I'm middle-aged. Right. I'm comfortably in my middle-aged. But about 53? A little older. 54? You can go higher than that. Keepaged. Right. So I'm comfortably in my middle-aged. But about 53? A little older. You go higher than that. 54? Keep going. 55?

Keep going. 56? 57? 58? 60? 60. Oh, price is right! I'm 60 years young.

Oh, price is right. Are you one year old? I'm just imagining the yodeler going over the hill. I love that guy. Have you ever parodeler going over the hill. Um-ba-dee-da-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee- I didn't realize they were serious parody songs. I'm the only one that does serious parody songs. It really is. I just changed the lyrics. You changed all the lyrics to rhymes, but they're all serious sentences. I just make the song about something else. That's all I do.

I like the tunes. Okay. So, she was older, about 18 years older. So the cultural references were different? Not that far off. I mean, when you run out of water, by the way, are you sad that you threw away the water before we started this? No, as you can see, I'm filling up my cup of water.

Oh, it seems to be about one third full and you've already drank one. Yes, sir. That really tickled you. It really did. You enjoyed that one. So wait, so you were probably talking about the water, right? Yeah. That really tickled you. You enjoyed that one.

So wait, so you were probably talking about Star Wars a lot and she was talking about... Battlestar Galactica. She was talking about Buck Rogers, the original black and white, Flash Gordon, Flash Ha! Did you ever see that movie? I've never seen it. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon.

Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon.

Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon. Flash she's single. Unfortunately, no.

She's with a friend of mine. But you never know what can happen. You think they might split up? I mean, I've suspected it. Husband's kind of a jerk. I mean, it's just way incompatibility. That's all. What makes them incompatible, would you say?

Well, you know, I mean, they're both very special people. And sometimes two stars that shine bright in the sky can not collide. Otherwise, they would explode. mean, they're both very special people, and sometimes two stars that shine bright in the sky can not collide, otherwise they would explode. Wait, is that scientifically true? I don't know. Wait, so the stars, they, they, if they shine too brightly, they mustn't collide, or else there's a problem. Right, exactly.

But if they're separate, then it's great. Well, it's a lot like time travel, you know, I read something recently of, of, where someone time traveled to the past, and I said, and of course, uh, we all know that two exact that two exact matches of bodies cannot exist in the same plane at the same time. So this one disappeared and went into the negative zone or something. Two exact matches of bodies.

Yes, like, and what was weird was it was already a shapeshifter who had shapeshifted into anyway, never mind This is my reading material no right before I go to bed no wonder my dreams are so crazy Are you having bad dreams? Yeah terrible. Oh Scott. I'm so sorry. Yeah, you know nightmares They're a terrible thing and unfortunately I could tell you from 60. They never go away. Yeah, there's this guy with a disfigured face With like a little lightning bolt scar on his forehead and he's like he's waving his wand at me and His wand. Yeah, you a conductor of some sort. It's like a it's like a sharp knife, but It's like a sharp knife, but but but just one not on but just one It's like a sharp knife, but just one, Well, you know how knives usually come in sets?

Do they ever sell one knife? Well, it depends on the type of knife that it is. I think... Are you just thinking of, like, knives for the dinner table? Do you think when you're... There's a wide variety of knives. When you're, like, a famous chef, do you have to buy, like, those... Are you saying, this is me in the future?

Yeah, when you're a famous chef in the future. When I grow up to be a famous chef? Yeah. Do they make you buy, like, five at a time of those big, fancy, expensive knives? They're like, we only sell them in sets. Do they make you do that? Um... Or do they split them up?

It's a good question. I guess when I'm a famous chef, I'll find out. A shame is Feff. I guess when I'm ashamed, a chef. I'm trying to think of the movie Chef with Johnny Favs. And did he have multiple knives? Did they follow him to the knife stores? Yeah.

I don't think we ever got maybe deleted scene. Maybe, yeah. A lot in that truck. A lot of scenes in a truck. A lot in the truck, not enough scenes in the knife store. Must be difficult to film. I wonder if they had to open up the side of the truck in order to film that. I hope so.

It would have been so cramped in there. It would have been so cramped in there. Because it's not only a lot of people adding warmth because of the body warmth. But then also there's a stove there. There's some sort of frying apparatus. You think the guy holding the boom mic ever like sat on the stove accidentally and went, ow, ow, ow, my butt?

Can you hear that in the movie ever? Ooh. Did I ever hear that in the movie? During one of the scenes. Ow, ow, my butt. Like Johnny Favs is talking to Johnny legs and... The two Johnnys. Favs, legs. The two Johnnys.

The two Jakes, the two Ronys, the two Johnnys. Two Johnnys, she said. They're in the movie, Chef with Icy. Oh, that was terrible. Not one of your best parodies. Also too funny. Here's the thing, I have to... You're right. I have to sit down and... I can't do them on the fly. I have to sit down and write them.

It takes me hours and hours. It's a laborious process, but it works. Oh, that's why I have a laboratory in which to do it. So what is going on with Hermione? You're in process of getting... Does she know what's happening or have you alerted? No, no, no. Of course. It's... Here's the thing, Scott. It's never my decision.

It's always my wife's decision. Really? You leave it up to them. Well, it's not that I leave it up to them. I would stay married to any of them, but they, you know, it just turns out we're incompatible. So, so every single person, this is interesting. Every single person you've married, you've said to them, have you said to them,

hey, I don't think we should stay married, but it's up to you. Or do you just wait for them to say it? And then the, you know... Well, I'm not waiting for them to say it. They say, it just comes to a point where... Well, I'm not waiting for them to say it. They say, it just comes to a point where they say, we have irreconcilable differences.

But you've never broached the subject of, should we get a divorce? That's always been something they bring up. No, it's always been, it's always been brought up. Really? For someone who loves to pay alimony, you think that it would be right there on the tip of your tongue? Well, because I also love to be married.

Oh, that's true, but not as much as... You can't pay alimony if you're not married. I love them both. HEFFNER. Equally? If you have a hot fudge sundae, you don't just love the hot fudge, you also love the ice cream.

It's the two of them together that is what makes it so wonderful. Has anyone ever eaten hot fudge by itself? Of course, I have. HEFFNER. HEFFNER. You know, every frosting out of the can, that's the best. Sure.

All of these forbidden things you're not supposed to do. It's wonderful. I just can't imagine, like, first of all, heating it up and then just spooning it into my mouth. It seems disgusting. Well, here's the thing. You don't have to heat it up. Okay.

But it's hot fudge. You can just eat it right out of the jar. It's hot fudge, but it doesn't come hot. You don't buy a jar of it. It's like, ooh, ooh, ooh. My butt. I sat on some hot fudge. I believe in miracles.

That's not chocolate. That's true. When you came along, you sexy thing. Can you imagine saying that to someone? What a line that would be. I believe in miracles. I believe in miracles because you came along, you sexy thing. Wow.

What a line. You never used it. Nine times out of ten, you get slapped in the face, but the tenth time, oh boy. By the way, speaking of which, when you ask people to marry you, how often are you slapped in the face? Oh, this never happened. Oh, really? Because it's not a rude thing to say. It would be if you were to just come up to a woman in the, you know, in the maternity ward. Have you ever met a woman in the maternity ward? That has happened one time. Wow!

Yes, one time. Why Clef? I was there visiting my brother whose wife... From another mother? No, from the same. Oh, wow, okay. Yes, and his wife was having a baby. And the whole family went to visit and wait, you know, in the waiting room and he was in

there. That seems like a thing of the past. Does anyone do that anymore? Well, we did it. Sure, but in the past you did it. I'm just saying like these days. It's true. It seems like a very movie thing to see. I think it depends on how close the family is.

And my family were very close. Okay. I come from a large family. How large? Eight kids. Eight kids? Eight kids. And then how many parents? Eight kids, one mom, two dads. In the same house? Yes.

Wow. Yes. A throuple. Well, not really. Not really. The two dads did not acknowledge that they were in a relationship together. Oh, wait, the dads were in a relationship together? No, I just said they weren't.

Oh, oh, oh. They did not. You said they didn't acknowledge. It was not a throuple. They would not say, yes, were all the three of they didn't acknowledge. It was not a throuple. They would not say, yes, were all the three of us in a relationship. It was more of a bigamy. They had kind of, and my mother being the bigamist, they all knew about each other,

but they kept the relationships separate but under the same roof. Separate but equal. And my mother would never say which was the father of which child. Oh, were there clues that you were able to glean from the physical? We tried to piece it together over the years and from the way people looked and you know, we all, but we all just.

Was one of the dads named Tony? That might've been a clue. No, Scott, please. Because I'm not Tony Junior. Hmm. But the thing- You can only be a junior by the way if your middle name is the exact same as the father as well.

That's right. And here's a fun thing, and maybe we've discussed this before. If you're a nickname for a the third, if you're the third, the exact same name, a nickname for you is Tripp. Oh, really? And if you are technically the second, but there's one generation in between you, but you have the same name as your grandfather. Sure. They can call you Skip. Skip, really? Yes. God, I wanna call someone Skip or Trip.

God, I wish I could call you Skipper Trip. You can call me Skipper Trip. Can't, hey, Skipper Trip. It's me, the Skipper Trip. Hi, hi. Oh, hey, baby. Welcome aboard. The thing is, but both my fathers looked very much alike, so that made it harder to tell.

Oh, so she had a type. My mother was very crafty, and she did have a type, yes. Yeah, and what did they look like? They looked like me. Oh, wow. OK. They both looked like me. So you were your mom's type, in a way. Well, but I also, there's some of my mom's features

in there as well. Which half is your mom and which half is your dad, would you say, on your body? Oh, it's probably a straight up top to bottom. So bottom your dad, I would imagine? No, I would say just below, just below the tip of the penis. Just below the thighs is where I start to really take after my mom. I have a slender legs and her finely turned ankles. Yeah, you're very top heavy....finely turned ankles. Yeah, you're very top heavy,

and then you have these little pencil-thin legs. Yes, I'm like a little inverted pyramid, sure. Yeah. But not in a good way. My legs are very precarious. You are wobbling right now, by the way. You were like, yeah. Can I sit down? Do you mind?

Yeah, please. I mean, I'm sorry. Were you waiting for me to say? I thought, yes. I thought you like your guest standing for the show. Oh, okay. I stood for all of these. I never realized I could sit down.

I thought you were at attention the entire time. Attention. Were you a military man, by the way? I was not a military man, but I was in... Because it seems to me like you would have been in Vietnam being 60. Being 60, you think I was in Vietnam? No, you're right.

Yeah, you were too young. Yeah, I was. Lucky you. You just missed it. You're thinking like a man who's not closing in on 60 himself. And you think 60 is like, it's like the Todd Glass bit.

Right. Come see my band. Yeah, I was not in the military, but I was in the reserves. That counts as the military. Well, for the Girl Scouts. Oh, for the Girl Scouts? Just for cookies, just to sell cookies.

They need some backup. They need some backup. I'm a good salesman. It's not my trade, but I am good at talking people into buying things. You've gotten so many people to marry you. I mean, they buy into your whole thing. I never thought of it that way, but maybe that's true.

And then they get to know me and the bloom is off the rose. Yeah, why do you think that you're so incompatible with people? What is it about you? To be honest, I think when they find out about the previous marriages, that's a red flag. You don't tell them? Wait, okay. This is like lying by omission.

It doesn't come up until after we're married. It can come up if you make it come up. Well, you never come up, you've been on a date, they say, have you ever been married before? Yes, I say, have you ever been married before? Yes, I say yes, and it did work out. Thirty times. Nobody ever asked how many times. It just hasn't happened.

You got it, you have to, I mean, if this is the reason you're getting so many divorces, you should tell these people. It's not the sole reason, it's not the sole reason. But a majority of it, the preponderance of the reason. It's mentioned most of the time. More than a Wyclef, certainly. One time. More than a Wyclef. Let me just say it's mentioned more than a Wyclef. Any more times than one is more than a Wyclef.

Any more times is more than a Wyclef. Well, Alamoni Tony is here. Did I introduce you? Yes, you did. Yeah, I did. Okay, good. I was wondering if that was still on the docket. And of course, my song parody, my nom-do-song parody is Weirdamoni Alamoni Tony. Weirdamoni Alamoni Tony is here, and he was saying that he's been coming up with a very

serious song parody that he wants to, the lyrics of which he wants to debut a little later on the show. I don't think I said that. Oh, you know, okay, maybe I misheard you. You know what? Since you brought it up, I will debut it later on the show. Okay, great. There might be a time during the rest,

the course of the episode where I get a little quiet. I understand. Where I'm letting other people talk. You brought out that thesaurus, by the way, out of your back pocket. That's right. I keep my thesaurus in my back pocket. It's right.

I wonder, your butt looked so big, but it's... No, it's just my thesaurus. My back is all kinds of messed up, by the way, from sitting on this thesaurus. It makes you taller in the chair, I have to say. What's the other? Because you're first. If I remember to take it out of the pocket and sit on it,

then it's fine. But if I keep it in the pocket, then I'm sitting unevenly, and it really messes up my back. What's the other book? Because you're not lobsi. Oh, wait, is it The Fountainhead? Yes, by Ayn Rand. Yeah. I heard so much about it, and I thought fountainhead? Yes, by Ayn Rand. Yeah.

Yeah. I heard so much about it and I thought, I gotta check out this lady's work. The thesaurus might come in handy when you read that. Why is that? Cause I don't know what works. Oh, I guess a dictionary would be more appropriate. I mean, I'm, look, I've looked at the thesaurus so much. I know a lot of words.

I guess you could, if you were strapped and didn't have a dictionary. If I was carrying a gun? No, I mean, if you only had enough money for one thing, buy the thesaurus. I cannot imagine such a scenario. If you only had money for one book and you were like, I don't know whether to get a dictionary or a thesaurus,

buy the thesaurus. Walk me through this. How does it happen that I don't have enough money for two books? I know you're independently wealthy. I'm talking about a poorer person. No, I get that, but I just, I honestly don't know, because it's not my experience.

I'm saying, like, if you were to go into a bookstore and you go, God, look, 1995 for each of these books, I only have a 20 spot on me, buy the thesaurus because you would be able to glean the definitions of these words by its synonyms, and the dictionary only gives you the definition and then a few synonyms, right? Yes, I suppose that's true, but... You're trying to think your way out of this one.

I'm trying to say when you're using this, you need a reference book. You need a reference book because you don't know what a lot of these big words are. Right. And people are using thesaurus words all the time around you, and you're like, what is going on? You could backwards figure it out. I don't know what perspicacious means. What does perspicacious mean? Observant.

Oh, OK. See, now, if I were to look up perspicacious in the thesaurus. Maybe it means intelligent. You know what? I'm going to look it up right now. OK. Oh, he's brought his thesaurus out. No, that's the fountainhead. You got to switch books. That's the fountainhead. What are you doing right now? Skipping ahead to the P.

Oh, that's the pages. I mean, it did. P.E.R. I imagine it's P.E.R. This is the most exciting moment in podcasting. Acute, all-knowing, aperceptive. Perceptive, use that observant. Aperceptive.

Aperceptive, what is the difference between perceptive and aperceptive. You said observant. Aperceptive. Aperceptive. What is the difference between perceptive and aperceptive? I have no idea. Okay, but if you had a dictionary, you would be able to find out, but can you from that thesaurus? I wish I had a dictionary. Let me see if it's in the fountainhead. Hold on a second.

Look up every, just read it aloud, would you? The fountainhead, chapter one. The takers and the makers. Which one are you? Howard Roark knew which one he was. Is that where fake it till you make it comes from? Is it the fountainhead? That's exactly right.

Interesting. All right, well, check out the fountainhead. We're running out of time. We need to go to a break. But if you don't mind reading the entire Fountainhead during the break and we'll wait for you. Well, let me just say, this will take us to the break. Aperception, it's a noun, it's from psychology,

and it's dated. The mental process by which a person makes sense of an idea by assimilating it to the body of ideas he or she already possesses. Ah-ha! The derivative is aperceptive. It comes from the mid-18th century, Charles Dickens times.

From the French, apercepcion. Or modern Latin, Aposepcio. Wow, wow, what an incredible moment in podcasting history. Only 13 years into Comedy Bang Bang, we suddenly have such an incredible, just dynamic moment in podcasting that people will be talking about for years and years to come. Scott, are you being sarcastic?

No. Are you sure? Look it up in your thesaurus, maybe I am. I'm not sure. Yeah, I was asking because I don't know what that word means. You've never used it in your vows. Can you imagine? Wedding vows that included the word sarcastic.

Hey, I'm not being sarcastic when I say I love you. It would cause so much doubt in the mind of the other person. I never assumed you were being sarcastic. All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have someone from the animal kingdom and an attorney. Wow. A lot of... Those are two different guests.

Those are two different guests. Yeah. Oh yeah. No, two different people. Plus more animals. It's not a person, that's right. An animal and a person. Plus more Alamony Tony, who is a person, not an animal.

We will be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Alamony Tony is here. Hi. He's been flipping through the thesaurus. What did you come up with? Do you have some interesting words to throw out to us? No. Okay. What is that a synonym for?

No? Negatory? Negatory, that sounds like CB Talk to me. Yeah. Negatory, good buddy. Look out for a smokey and a plain brown wrapper. On the dirty side. We got a bear in the sky, bear in the air. Bear in the air, it's a helicopter.

And it's time to get to our next guest. This is exciting. I'm excited. You've used the services of many attorneys. Yes, I have. Do you use a different one for each divorce? I try to stick to the same one. A couple of them have died.

I think we talked about one of them in one of your previous appearances. I'm sure we probably have. We would love to have that person on the show if you ever want to bring them on. Oh, that's interesting. Sure. Maybe I will. Yeah.

Maybe I'll call them up. Or her. That's right. Is it Attorney Journey? Attorney Journey? Journey Smollett? Attorney Smollett's attorney? Yes.

She's fine. She didn't do anything. She didn't do anything. No, it was Jussie. Yeah. She's fine. Journey Smollett is fine. She's okay. She didn't do anything. No, it was Jussie. Yeah. She's fine. Journey Small Light is fine. She's okay. Don't worry about her.

Don't put any of the Jussie stuff on her. No, she is a different person. Yeah, totally different person. She's our own person. That's right. Very similar name. We'll give her that. They're next to each other in the alphabet, kind of.

Yeah. Jussie, Journey, Juckweed? Is there a Q in there? Juckweeds? Juckweeds. Okay. It in there? Juckwheats? Okay. It's a jug of buckwheat. You pour it out and it's a breakfast.

Juckwheat. We should start selling Alamoni Tony's Juckwheats. I don't know. I'm not sure about that. Let's never talk about it again. It's making me uncomfortable. Something about it doesn't feel right to me. All right, but let's get to him.

He is an attorney. Please welcome to the show, oh my gosh, did I write down Rudy Delmuda? Robbie Delmuda. I wrote down Robby Delmuda. That's okay, Scott. That's okay. Your name is Robbie. Robbie Delmuda.

Okay. I didn't put the second B in. That was my problem. That's okay. Your name is Robbie. Robbie Delmuda. Oh, okay, I didn't put the second B in. That was my problem. That's okay. Okay, Robbie Delmuda, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me, Scott. I'm glad to be here. I'm noticing, Robbie, and this was not made apparent to me by our booking person, but I'm noticing that you are,

you have all the trappings of a certain type of person. You're very short. Uh, your, your face is very smooth. Yes. Uh, you, uh, it hasn't been ravaged by the sun yet. Not yet. You'll get there. Don't worry.

But you, you, uh, you're, you're, you seem to be a young person. I'm 11 years old, Scott. I'm 11 years old. I'm in fifth grade. You're in fifth grade? Yes. Okay. I'm in fifth grade. You're in fifth grade? Yes. Okay. I'm in fifth grade, Scott. And you're an attorney?

Well, yes and no. I don't know how those two can coexist. Much like a person with the same DNA can't be on the earth at the same time. What? What? It gets transported to another dimension. What? Another dimension, by the way, Al Money Tony.

Is that true? Another what? Dimension. Another dimension? Another dimension, by the way, Alamoni Tony. Is that true? Another what? Dimension. Another dimension. Another dimension. Scott, I'm so glad you said that this is a child, because I was thinking he was, and I didn't want to say it. What were the things you noticed about him that you...

Well, he's small of stature. Sure. His face is very smooth. Very smooth. Not yet ravaged by the sun. Yeah. Yeah. But his deep voice is a little...

It threw me off, the scent. Yeah, well, I mean, not as deep as some human beings, but certainly you've gone through... True, Ted Cassidy. I hate asking any person this, but you've gone through puberty, haven't you? Scott, I've been asked a lot of questions as of late, so no topic is off. Off limits and not off the table? Okay, I tell you right now, I do have a bit of a lower voice, but that's because I am trying to seem

a little bit older than I am. Oh, you're putting it on. It's an affectation. A little bit. I'm currently on, here's the deal. Okay, yeah, just tell me your deal, because a lot of people come on the show and they don't get to their deal quickly enough.

So I'm glad that you're cutting to the chase and you're getting to your deal. So what does he do? Time might be short, Scott. Time might be short. I'm currently on trial and I am representing myself. I don't want to be representing myself, but I'm currently representing myself in a major trial. Oh my God. You know the old adage that... No, Trev, probably not.

Because it's old? Yeah. What is? A client who has himself as an attorney has a fool for a client? An attorney who has himself... An attorney who comes to work... A man who defends himself in court... A man who wakes up one day.

A man who... The doctor is a woman. Yes. You know a man who? Doctor is a woman yes You know that one the doctor is a woman. I've never heard of that. This is no help at all right now Scott Not a doctor who fan no what do you see his penis? No, I've never seen anybody's penis How many pieces you barely mine my dad's? In what situation we go to the gym. Isn't it shocking?

What are you, pumping iron with him? No, we go to the gym and then we shower afterwards and they got private showers and I'm too scared to shower by myself so my dad has to shower with me. He doesn't want to, but I'm not at an age where I feel comfortable yet. Isn't it a shocking thing when you see your dad's penis?

Yes. You're just like, what is going on? What's going on? How do I get one of those? Am I going to get one of those? Will I? Dad, is it good or bad? He's like, don't talk, we're not talking about this

right now in the shower. We're at the gym. Is that what you're on trial for? No, yeah, no. No. I'm on trial for embezzlement. I've been wrongly accused. Let me get that out therezzlement. I've been wrongly accused. Let me get that out there right now.

I've been wrongly accused. Embezzlement. So you have your own company or at least a company you work for? Scott, I'm too young to have a company. I'm 11 years old. I'm in fifth grade right now. You've mentioned that.

There are a bunch of people, a bunch of older men that work at a company, granite investments. Granite investments. Okay, and where is this located? This is located in Wisconsin. It's located just outside of Milwaukee in Menominee Falls. Oh, okay. And that's where you're from or the company is there? I'm from Cedar Grove, Wisconsin. It's a little bit further from

Menominee Falls. It's about a 30-minute drive. Okay. No one's really interested in those kind of details. You know, you could just say it's like nearby. Because this is a worldwide podcast, no one is really getting granular on like Wisconsin geography, you know? I don't, I know, Scott. It's one of the only facts you seem to know. Scott, I'm in over my head right now, okay? Let me tell you that right now. So you're reaching for things that are familiar to you, I understand. Yes, I'm just trying to make my way through this trial, okay? I'm in fifth grade.

I got a lot of homework, Scott. I got a lot of homework to get done. And I'm not getting any of it. How did you reach this point where you're on trial for it? Scott, I was at home just minding my own business, and I look up and my parents are watching the news and my face pops up. Apparently, a bunch of these old men were embezzling money from other investors at Granite Investments,

and then they were taking some of the money, and they were gonna get pinned for it, but they ended up, they pinned it on me. They pinned it on an 11-year-old boy, and now I'm on trial for my life. See, you claim that you're the patsy in this situation. Yes, Scott. Do you know what a patsy in this situation. Yes, God. Do you know what a Patsy is?

Yes, I've been told many times that I... Many times. Many times. That's more than a Wyclef. Who? What? Well, I don't expect you to know who Wyclef is. Hey, someone with a penis.

Okay. Like my dad. Do you think Wyclef ever thought, like, hey, what if I tried that Lenny Kravitz thing? And then he tried it and no one gave him shit? I would imagine every musician when that happened was like, I'd probably do that too. It's like celebrities getting podcasts. Yeah, he got a lot.

What if Lenny Kravitz hosted a podcast just talking about that incident? Who was the first celebrity to have a podcast? That's like the first Lenny Kravitz to let his penis fly. Adam Curry. That's true. Yeah, you invented them. So Robbie, you had no knowledge of any of this. I had no knowledge.

These people, they were taking money from investors and then they ended up pushing them into NBA trading cards. Okay, they were trying to turn a profit because sports cards have made a big leap in popularity as of late, and then their investors are finding out, so they were like, we gotta pin it on someone. Wait, so do you collect these NBA trading cards?

I do collect NBA trading cards as well. That's what made this so convenient for the people at Granite Investment. I don't understand this scheme though. The Granite Investment people were embezzling money. They were embezzling money. They were investing them in NBA trading cards. They were investing their embezzled money in NBA trading.

To hide the money? Yes, to hide the money. That's like laundering. Okay, were there receipts for these NBA trading cards or? No. Do you know what receipts are? I'm sorry, you seem very confused. Your eyes got wide when I said that, rather.

No, my mom, when we're at the grocery store, my mom buys stuff, she puts it on the card, and they say, do we need the receipt? And she says, no. So you've never known what one is? They just put it right into some empty bag. Why does your mom want the receipts? She doesn't want the receipts. She says no to them. So the cashier puts them in the bag. Well, what it is, is they're printed on paper. They're itemized lists of every single thing that was bought.

What? Yeah, I don't know why they're necessary either. But we're buying with no paper. We're not even using paper to pay for the things. I don't understand. We're not giving them paper anymore, but now they're giving us paper. Do you know what a checking account is, by the way? What? Yeah, these are the crazy things that we used to have.

Oh, Scott. They're like promissory notes. Scott. Do you know what those are? What? No, I can, look, I can barely keep my head above water right now, okay? I'm in court, I'm trying to stay in fifth grade, I got a bully at school, I'm in a lot of trouble right now.

Oh, who's bullying you? Uh, Dean Axton. Dean, wait, this is one of the deans at the school? Yes! Yeah. Oh no! My school has multiple deans. That's terrible when your bully is one of the deans at the school? Yes! Yeah. Oh no! My school has multiple deans. It's terrible when your bully is one of the faculty members.

Yeah, it is. Tell me about it. Wow. So, I just don't understand why, I mean, it seems like you have definite links to this crime at the very least. I have links in the fact that I buy NBA trading cards as well. I have a similar hobby. Similar to what?

Similar to what, granite investment. Seems like the exact same hobby. OK, yeah. Am I on trial right now? All right, I'm already on one trial, Scott. OK? No, you did. We swear everyone in before they come on this podcast.

I know. Trust me, I'm familiar with the process. So you can be prosecuted if you ever lie on this podcast. What? I just want to make sure that you know that. But you took an oath. But so, I mean, it is a little strange that they, I mean, I've never heard of any scheme like that,

of someone trying to hide the money in trading cards. Scott, I am just as bewildered as you are right now, okay? I'm sitting in that courtroom. I had an attorney to begin with, okay? Yeah, what happened? Yeah, why are you representing yourself? The attorney said, this case is a sham. I don't want to be part of it.

So he walks out and the judge just looks at- Usually when the attorneys say a case is a sham, they're talking about it because it's unwarranted and that makes them want to stay on it even further. Not this guy. He walked out the door. The judge says, I don't see anybody else here for you. Did he say something like who has two thumbs is going to be representing himself and then pointed his two thumbs at you? Yeah. Well, he didn't move at me.

The next day, no, I'm cross-examining witnesses. Oh, no. Are you objecting ever? Because that's something attorneys can do. What? You can object to anything that the other person says. Scott, I've been blindsided through this whole process. Oh, that's a big part of it. I object. Quick, I got a question for you. Yeah. Hey, um, when do you think... When do I think what? Do you think that early... What do you think this? Scott, I'm gonna lay out a scenario for you. Tell me what you think. Right when you when you say it probably or Tony, either of you can answer this question. Oh Tony, this one is for both of us. Okay. Do you think that um, this is sort of like the three, uh, people who married you, uh, you and Hermione splitting up the responsibility. That's fun. Yeah. We had a third. Yeah. Scott, if let me, Tony, let me tell you, if I was in that situation my mind would be spinning Would I be like which I got two dads here? What's happening? I got two dads and a mom Greg ever get a Paul Reiser What my two dads?

Any more than two dads is more than a riser. Okay, speaking of that's my two dads as a waste. Okay Speaking of Paul Reiser Here's a question I got for you. If you have preference Would you rather watch Mad About You? So you know who Paul Reiser is. My parents talk about him. You said who earlier? I did.

I know you're not on trial here and I'm not crossing the line. Well, he might not have known who Greg Evergood was. The star of BJ and the Bear. If you had to watch Mad About You, a side film. Who did he play? Did he play BJ or the Bear? Because either of those could be a monkey name. He played BJ. He played BJ.

He played BJ? Yes, the bear was the monkey. Isn't that fun? A monkey named Bear. That's like a doctor named a woman. A dog named Cat. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine? By the way, we have someone from the Animal Kingdom coming up.

Okay, so when do we think this? Go. When do you think? What would you rather watch, Mad About You or what? Or would you rather watch Mad About You or what? Or would you rather watch Mad About You or an episode of Seinfeld? The entirety of Mad About You or one single episode of Seinfeld. Probably one episode of Seinfeld.

I don't have the time to watch the entirety of it. Do you wanna fight a hundred ducks or one big duck? Yes. Which one do you pick? Which would you pick? Would you rather watch Seinfeld or fight a hundred ducks? That's a tough one. One episode of Seinfeld? One episode of Seinfeld. One episode of Seinfeld. I would rather fight the ducks, probably, to death. The Mighty Ducks? Yeah. Okay, now we're

talking my language here. Now we're talking my race. Would you rather fight Emilio Estevez and the cast of Mighty Ducks? Yes. Or watch one episode of Seinfeld? I don't know, Emilio Estevez is unvaccinated though, so I'm not going to... I don't know if I'd want to... I think, wasn't he fired from Mighty Ducks for that reason Oh, that's right. He wouldn't do it. Yeah, so I don't know Emilio and the Mighty Ducks for Clapton Emilio Estevez and Mighty Ducks for

What's next? What's the next 11 year old trial? That's currently what it's not next. No, that's now. Yeah, That's currently. What? That's not next. No, that's now. Yeah, that's now. Yeah, it's now. I just need to... A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client.

There we go. There we did it. Sorry. How does that make you feel to hear that you're a fool? I tell you what, at least someone tells me a little bit what's going on here, cause I'm in a lot of trouble right now. Yeah.

Yeah. So why did your lawyer leave? Because he thought the charges were so ludicrous? He thought this, so he called it erroneous. He called it erroneous. He walked out. There was no one else left. That's bad lawyering.

It seems like he would go, these are erroneous. I can win this. Erroneous. That's a little, that's a little sob parody. That's Duran Duran, by the way. I don't know. There's two of them? The same name?

What kind of mother is that? There's no two Robbies in my family. So how's the trial been going? I mean, how's it? Well, let me tell you. Please do. We're in night court. It's being held.

Why are you in night court? Because I have school during the day. Is it fun like the John Larroquette nightcore? What? It's being rebooted with... Uh... Uh... Uh...

Uh... Uh... From the Big Bang Theory. Uh... Uh... Johnny Galacki. No, no, no. Melissa Rauch.

Kayleigh Cuoco. Melissa Rauch, yes. You know who Melissa Rauch is. I know who Melissa Rauch is. Missy Missy Row Row. What? That's one that I don't even know. No, my goodness.

Anyways, I'm in night court. You're in night court. I'm in night court, I'm defending myself. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Gonna be some sweet sounds coming down on the night court. Is that the Seinfeld theme? Very close, it's the precursor. Oh, it is very close to the Seinfeld theme that I call theme. Look, I need to hear more of this stuff about older stuff because I'm trying to make small

talk with the jurors. There are so few songs where a bassist can truly shine. Night court theme, Seinfeld theme. What else? Any red hot chili peppers? Oh, God, can you imagine hearing Flea on Dynasty? So you know them. Can you imagine Flea on Dynasty? Can you imagine Flea on Dynasty?

Can you imagine Flea on Dynasty? Oh my God! Or Dynasty on Fleek. I can't. Wow, I can't either. I can't imagine Flea on Dynasty. I can't. You can't?

I've been, I can imagine Flea over here. Yeah. I can imagine Dynasty over here and the Carringtons and the, you know, the huge house and all that. I can't get these to cross over. I can't get Flea to walk over to the house. You can't imagine John Collins and Flea doing some dishe dialing.

Falling into a pool together? No, I can't even imagine it. Well, I feel sorry for you. Well, I feel sorry for you for different reasons. Oh. I don't want to get into it now. Talk to the child. What is this, my pants?

Talk into each other here. What's going on? Your pants. Your pants? Oh, now you hear each other and you agree. Got it, okay. We're friends again. Okay. We are friends again.

Hey. Got it. So you've been in night court. I've been in night court. I'm trying to get through school. My pants are like, my parents are like, I don't care. You adjusted the way you said parents for us and I appreciate that.

Yeah, trust me. Fool me once. And then what? And then I'm buying it. Sure. I'm buying it. I'm not looking back. Good to know.

Yeah. My parents are like, just go ahead. Keep your grades up. Do whatever you're gonna do on your free time. We don't care. We don't want you to. They're not invested in this trial. They're not invested at all. They don't care one bit. They don't care? No. We don't care, we don't want to hear it. They're not invested in this trial. They're not invested at all.

They don't care one bit. They don't care? No, they don't care one bit, Scott. And I'm just like, I'm up the creek without a paddle over here. Yeah. I'm looking at serious time. Yeah, I mean, embezzlement.

I mean, the minimum mandatory sentence for that must be at least 10 years or so. Yeah, Scott, could you be my lawyer? You seem to know a lot about this already. Uh I mean uh I'm usually how how late is this night court? I'm usually in sleep by 5 p.m. It starts at 10 p.m. Starts at 10? What kind of night court is this? It's night court. Scott I'm so tired during the whole trial. I'm so tired I can barely get through it. I can barely get through the nights

I mean how long has this trial been going on is it like not right now? It's been good two and a half months two months how complicated. Well, what are they? I mean, what's all the evidence against you? Okay. There's a bunch of trading cards that look similar to the trading cards that I have Okay, okay Similar in what way? Yeah are, let's see, there's a Zach Levine rookie card that I have and they also have. Okay. But they're saying that it was one and the same. Okay.

They're saying it's an identical card or they're saying it's the exact card that you have. They're saying it's the exact card. And where is your card? Have you brought that in to say, no, this is my card? I will never show them where my card is, okay? It's an expensive card. I'm not giving it up for nobody. Okay, see, but this is important evidence.

Is this why your lawyer quit? Because you said that you wouldn't offer the evidence up that would clear your name? I told him I ain't giving you nothing. Let me ask you a question. Let's cut to the chase. Let's cut to it. Which in film terms means editing out

any of the dull moments and then cutting to the exciting chase part of it. Oh, is that what makes The Avengers so great? I love those movies. It was some of the best chases. Oh, the best chases in the world. Loki's chasing Hulk, Hulk turns around and chases Loki, and they're back and forth.

Yeah, it's a never-ending, it's a never-ending relationship. Let's do it like the Marvel movies, where we just like cut out all the, as Eric Clapton would say BS. Who? What? Did you have you ever been to Granite Investments? Yes, once.

Once, one time. So a Wyclef. Yeah, one time I went to Granite Investments. Okay. And what did you do? What was the date and what did you do there? I went there. I went there about six months ago. All right. Okay. I went there. It's about three and a half months before the trial.

Uh-huh. And I went and I brought... Speedy trial. It's a speedy trial. But you have the right to a speedy trial. So I'm glad that you... Yeah. That's one thing that you did right. Yeah, but I thought speedy trial was going to be like four minutes. I thought, fine, I'll be in, I'll be out.

Okay, can we do this on recess or what? I can get over this, I can get this over with quickly. I brought my basketball cards to Granite Investments because I was gonna invest them. I was gonna invest them. You were gonna invest your cards? Okay, you're a kid, you don't know how this works. Oh, don't talk down to me, Scott.

I know how this works, Okay so you were you were bringing your cards to Granite Investments. What did you leave them there? I may have left them there for a little bit. All right. Are they still there? I well I don't want to give away my hiding spot but yes they are all at Granite Investments. Okay and how where did you get the money for all these cards? Oh, I have a paper route. Okay. A dying job, let me tell you that right now. Oh boy, print. It's a dying career. Don't get me started on that.

I don't want to, all right, because I've already made the argument many times in the courtroom, all right? This show started, by the way, as a newspaper. What? And then it segued into podcasts. We were lucky. The print is dying.

You were lucky to make the transition. A lot of papers didn't. But the amount... Did you have obituaries in your paper? We still do during the show. Yeah, at the end. Oh, my God. A lot of people turn it off when they hear that you're... Oh, yeah.

I love the obituaries. If you haven't before, listeners, make sure you tune into the... Stay for the obituaries this time. I love the obituaries and I love the opinions. But it seems to me like the amount of people who are watching this, I think, is a little bit too much. I think it's a little bit too much. I think it's a little bit too much.

I think it's a little bit too much. I think it's a little bit too much. I think it's a little bit too much. I think it's a little bit too much. I think it's a little bit too much. I think it's a little bit too much. I think it's a little bit too much. I think it's a little bit too much. I think it's a little bit too much. I love the obituaries and I love the opinions. Yeah. But, um, uh, uh, it seems to me like the amount of your, of cards that you own, if they're so valuable,

I don't know that you would be able to buy them from just a paper route. Did you ever, uh, by the way, what is your connection to granite? Does your father work there by any chance? My father owns Granite Investments. My father who I love very dearly and will love till the day I die.

He's got a bigger wong than me. Here's a tip, love him till the day he dies. And then you can feel however you wanna feel. Oh. You don't have to love him until the day you die. Oh, okay. Yeah, unless you die first. Oh! You don't have to love him until the day you die. Oh, okay. Yeah, unless you die first. Has that concept ever, I know it's a heavy concept for a child that you can die before your parents. What? What? No, that's not possible. We're gonna die at the

exact same time. Oh, probably, maybe in a car accident. We're never gonna, what? What? We're a bus family. Wait, you all take the bus? No, we all own the bus. Oh, you own one bus? Yeah. Like the Partridge family? What, who? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. These are difficult concepts to grasp

for such a, for an 11 year old boy. It sounds like a good family though. It sounds like a good family. I'd love to be a part of it. I don't know. If I were you, Yeah. I would try, you know, maybe wear a wire and try to get your dad talking about this. When you walk through the garden.

Contact the FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigations. Okay. It used to be run by Hoover. Contact the FBI, say you're willing to wear a wire. Is that how you always introduce them? This department used to be run by Hoover, J. Edgar Hoover. Was he a recent? Is he a recent? No, not recent at all. I just want to give you some historical context.

Okay. In case you ever watch that movie, J. Edgar Hoover, which has the aforementioned Leo DiCaprio wearing Halloween store old man makeup. Oh, boy, that was something else. No one ever talks about that. In Leo Cannon, no one ever brings up that little joke. Can you imagine spending four months working hard on something and then it comes out and no one ever speaks of it ever again?

No one talks about it. Except right now to say how bad the mega was. Yeah, who directed it? Clint Eastwood. It's a Clint Eastwood movie. It's got Leo DiCaprio in it. No one talking about it. And Armie Hammer, unfortunately. Maybe, oh, that's right.

Maybe that's why you should do more than one take. Yeah. If you want people to remember your movie. He was the Frank Sinatra of directors. He surely was. You're not paying me to make two movies. It was weird that the other characters, like you expected the other characters in J. Edgar

to be like, uh, why do you look like that? And what happened to you? Well, that was my House of Gucci problem. It's like any time, uh, what's his name? Who is it? The Joker. By the way, that's my theory, is that it's not Jared Leto doing that performance. It's the Joker.

Jim Carrey? Oh, no. He's of chaos. He showed up's not Jared Leto doing that performance, it's the Joker. Jim Carrey? Oh no. He showed up, the same Joker from Suicide Squad, showed up and he's like, I wanna act in House of Gucci. Imagine being an actor who looks like that already and saying, I could have done that, why did they call me? Yeah. But it could have saved everybody some time.

In House of Gucci, why doesn't anyone ever say, hey, why do you look like that? Why are you talking like that? Hey, how come nobody in House of Gucci doesn't just say, why don't we speak in Italian? Instead of doing English't just say, why don't we speak in Italian? Instead of doing English in these accents, why don't we just speak Italian, our native language, in our native home? Here we are in Italy, talking English in Italian accents.

We are here, where we love to live. And occasionally saying Italian words. What's going on? I'm writing this stuff down like I talk to the jurors about this stuff. You don't have to talk to the jurors. Contact the FBI. Tell them you're willing to wear a wire. Who used to run it? Jed Gerover. All right, I just gotta write this down. Name drop him in.

Say, Jed Gerover used to run the FBI. Yeah. Say you're willing to wear a wire, finger your dad. What? Oh, you know what that is? I know what that is. Trust me, my friends and I laugh about it all the time. This will solve all your problems.

You'll get off. What? You'll get immunity. Say you'll do it for immunity. You'll get off another Prince song. 22 positions and one night stand. Oh, you know that. Yes, I know that, Scott.

I'm not an idiot. I live in this world. Okay. Well, look, we have to take a break, but maybe try that out during the break. Call up FBI.com or whatever. I don't know if you can call it. Call up FBI.com.

See who answers. Can you call a website? I'm not sure. Call up Zappos.com one day. We could have been saving so much time calling these websites. Why are we typing? Why are we buying computers? All right.

We have to take a break. When we come back, well, if someone from the Animal Kingdom. That's very exciting. We'll have more with Alamoni Tony, and we'll have more from Robbie Delmuda. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Alamoni Tony is here. He's been on his phone crafting something. No, I haven't.

What are you talking about? Oh, okay. What have you been on your phone doing? I've just been like looking at Twitter and stuff. Oh, OK. Yeah. OK, but you are going to be debuting a parody song. Yes, which we established I've written before.

Sure. Yes, of course. But yes. I'm just going to sing it at the end of the show. You're going to sing it at the end of the show. Before the obituary. Yes. Who died, by the way, this week?

No spoilers. No spoilers until you get the obits. Get it? We also have Robbie Delmuda, attorney of law. Thank you very much. Don't. I just said who you were. Sorry. Are you thanking the listeners for their appreciation of you? I'm trying. Just what I say to the judge whenever he lets me talk or tells me to stop talking, I say thank you very much. By the way, do you call him your honor? I call him your honor. And I'm always like, what's under there?

Under where? Oh, you drink me. Yes. God damn it, Robbie. The judge hasn't fall for it once. You have, it's worth it. I'm gonna keep trying. All right, Robbie. Well, we need to get to our next guest. Yeah, Robbie. This is a, I mentioned someone from the animal kingdom.

This is a dog. Please welcome to the show Max. Hi Scott, pleasure to be here. Thanks for having me. Hi, pleasure to have you. Yeah, my pleasure. Aren't you a cute little thing? Oh, thanks. I like the big thing.

I'm sorry, I meant to say that to all my guests. Aren't you a cute little thing, Alamo? Thank you, Scott. Aren't you a cute little thing? Don't say it to me, Scott. I don't want to hear it. Okay, yeah, yeah, it's okay. I don't want to hear it.

But I can say it to a dog, can't I? Yeah. Yeah, you sure can. Thanks. Hi, so nice to meet you, Max. Yes, Max, that's my name now, but if I get adopted, I'm willing to take any name. I haven't been adopted yet, so that's just a name I use.

You're a dog currently on the market, on the adoption? On the market, yeah. Oh, and is that why you're on the show in order to get someone to adopt you? Yeah, just putting it out there. Or do you have something else to plug? No. Just me. Just you?

Just to be adopted, yeah. Oh, okay. So you want to be adopted. Your name is Max. Who named you? I'm a wolf to be adopted. A woman named Susan who lives in Phoenix, Arizona, she is a breeder and that's what she named me.

And why is Susan getting, not getting rid of you, but putting you up for adoption? Well, she put me up for adoption. Nobody bought me, they bought all my brothers and sisters. She says I'm naughty. So you're naughty by nature or nurture? all my brothers and sisters. She says I'm naughty. So- Oh, so you're naughty by nature or nurture? I'm naughty, I think by nurture. By, oh, so you were raised to be naughty by Susan?

I think I just came that way because everybody else got adopted. And so now I'm trying to be naughty because I was nice and now I'm naughty. Let me get this straight. So you were nice. Yes, a good dog. You were a good dog. Yes, a good boy.

Didn't get adopted, but all your brothers and sisters got adopted. Yes. So now you're trying, because you think maybe that we love bad boys. Yeah, I'm a real bad boy. You're a bad boy. Yeah. So you're a naughty dog. Yeah, I got your phone earlier and I texted all your exes.

No! Yeah. Okay, this is not typical bad dog behavior. Oh, I'm a bad dog. Are you shitting on any of them? No, I'm not gross. I'm not a gross dog. I'm a bad dog.

You're not disgusting. I'm not, yeah, I'm not disgusting. You're pulling pranks? I don't even lick my crotch. Yeah. Yeah, I guess just a little naughty things. Like I invited your neighbors over for dinner. Oh no, I don't have any food in the refrigerator.

What? You don't have any food in the refrigerator? Nothing? That's sad. I just had baking soda. Oh wow. What's its purpose if there's no food in the fridge? I don't know.

Yeah. Oh, this is a disaster. When are they coming over? The invite says... You put out a whole invite? Yeah. This is like a paperless post? Yeah.

I got... You hacked into my paperless post account? I hacked into your paperless post account. Those things cost money. Yeah, I know. And I upgraded you too. I'm a good person. I'm a good person. I'm a good person. I'mless post account? I hacked into your paperless post account. Those things cost money!

Yeah, I know, and I upgraded you to more paperless posts. No! Paperless post prime? Yes! Triple P? Yes! Triple P. And so, it's supposed to happen tonight starting at 12am. 12am? This is a terrible time for dinner. I know, but I said you must come.

Has anyone RSVP'd? Everybody. Yes or no? Yes. Because I said you must come? Yes. Oh my God. I'm not gonna be able to make it, just to be clear.

You're in court. I'm in court. Why aren't you in school today, by the way, since it is a school day, as we've established it's a court day, which can only be during the week. I've had enough. You're not going to school anymore? I don't want to hear what Mrs. Bunker has to say. I don't care about my fifth grade teacher. I'm not doing any social studies. I don't care about imperialism. Wow what are they teaching CRT? What? Never mind. What? Never mind.

Well, I mean, you seem like, I mean, you're a naughty dog, definitely. Yeah. But I mean, it seems like that's, you also seem very nervous. I mean- I'm very excited. Oh, you're excited? And a little nervous. Being bad's new to me, so it makes me a little nervous, but whatever really gets me at home

and some maybe belly scratches and... Have you ever had a belly scratch before? No. Susan doesn't even do that. What does Susan, I mean, what is her deal? Does she run a kill shelter? What does...

She does run a kill shelter. Like I said, she's a breeder and she runs a kill shelter. So sometimes it's just a straight pipeline from right from the vagina to the to the gas chamber right from the journey to the gas is that how they kill the dogs and kill shelters i don't know scott do you know what these things are kill shelters yeah i mean i've heard of them i buy the one i was see them good metal band name it's a good metal band name it's almost an oxymoron kill shelter. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, that's true. You think a shelter is a safe place and kill is obviously not safe. Yeah. Do you know about oxymorons, Robbie? Yeah, I'll tell you what. I think Dean Oxton is an oxymoron. All right, very good.

Hey, you know who's a real oxymoron? Rush Limbaugh. Remember that guy? Oh, wow. He was addicted to who's a real oxymoron? Rush Limbaugh. Remember that guy? Oh, wow. He was addicted to oxy and he was a moron. Now he's in hell. Oh, wow. Oxymoron from hell.

Uh-oh, Rachel Lewis won't be mad at you. So you have no idea when you're, but I mean, time must be running out. Yes, time is, I can't stress this enough. Time is running out. I would love to be adopted. I'm a little naughty boy, a little scamp. Maybe you're into that. Right. I mean, chicks love the bad boys. Oh, that's very true. Now, hold on a second. Does your naughtiness

extend to destroying household property? I would never... I don't chew slippers. I don't chew on things I'm not supposed to. Remotes? Oh, never. Are you sure you're not lying? I'm sure I'm not lying and I've never done it before. Okay, okay, sorry, I retract my question.

Yeah. So your naughtiness is more just things that are... Yeah, I made all your, when I was waiting, I made all your toilet papers spicy. Ooh, I'd rather you chew on the remote. I won't do it. Can we go back? I won't do it, no.

Those are dog, those are regular dog things. This is like special dog. How did you accomplish this? It is very special. If I use that toilet paper, I'm gonna have like a Favreau chef kind of situation where I say, ow, my butt is on fire. And that sounds fun, right?

That keeps you on your toes. And you know, a lot of people got dogs because of what we're going through. And I feel like I'm keeping life interesting, you know? It's like, well, what am I maybe gonna wake up to? I guess, but I don't know that I wanna be always on defense when I'm at home. Okay.

You know, I mean, usually home is where I relax, where- Where our hearts- You're on offense. On home, you're on offense. Yeah. Yeah, you're on the- You like to attack. Yeah.

You like to get after it. Yeah, Cool Up's on defense, I'm on offense. Yeah. Is Colap still single? No. When was she ever single? No, I mean, I met Marion, I met Marion, I wish we'd get together.

I mean, I'm not gonna be single soon, I'm just- Okay, no, she's off limits to you. Okay, fair enough. And again, I'm sorry there's no one here in the backyard for you to marry. That's all right, I respect it. But if she comes down here, no, she is otherwise a otherwise engaged understood understood. Oh, she's just engaged No, no, oh, I got I love I love cool up. I would be I would be such a good boy for cool

Oh, well, we already have to I know two dogs. Yeah I don't know that we're taking on any more clients Okay, well, maybe a trial situation or no, that's what Robbie's going through. Unfortunately, don't know that we're taking on any more clients. Okay, well, maybe a trial situation or something like that. Oh no, that's what Robbie's going through, unfortunately. Don't remind me. Robbie, do you have any pets or anything? Yeah, do you have any pets, Robbie? Yeah, Robbie, do you have any pets?

Any best friends you need? Yes, I have a dog. You have a dog? His name is Baxter. I love him. He sleeps with me at night, but I'm never home anymore. So now he sleeps with my sister. Oh, no. Why does everything you say sound like the biggest tragedy?

I know when you're that young. Yeah. But I mean, this is, in terms of like everything going on in your life, that's not the worst thing. And my world is constantly crashing down around me. But what about Alamoni Tony? He's about to be divorced and he's gonna be alone for a little bit. Maybe he can use the body.

Alamo Nittoni, do you have room in your heart or house? Or a place that for a dog? I have plenty of room in my heart, plenty of room in my house, but I'm definitely allergic. Not to me! Not to me! I'm a hyper-allergic dog! I'm a hyper-allergic dog! Those are the ones I'm

allergic to. No! I feel my throatpoallergenic dog. I'm a hypoallergenic dog. Those are the ones I'm allergic to. Yeah. No. I feel my throat closing up, as we speak. Are you serious? Yeah. I'll get shaved. I'll get shaved. Wait a minute. Wait, who's this?

Who do I sound like? I feel like I sound like somebody else. Somebody who was on the show last week, I think. Here, here, let me blow in it. Thank you. I inflated it. You inflated my windpipe, thank you. No problem so much. I inflated it. Oh my gosh. You inflated my wood pipe, thank you.

No problem. I'm sorry Max. I'm willing to do that for any guy. I'm sorry Max, it's a no for me dog. For this reason he's out. My Christmas, you wanna know about my Christmas? Well, two of my brothers and one of my sisters straight up died.

Oh, no, what happened? I guess that is sad that Maximus is sleeping with your sister, hubba hubba. But... I don't think that's a way to get him interested in adopting you by saying his sister is attractive. I mean, I'm just assuming that she's attractive if a dog is sleeping with her, hubba hubba. And if she looks anything like you, a little bit older. Does hubba hubba mean the same thing to you?

Good question. Or is that just dog speak for like rough rough? What is that? What am I saying right there? Oh, don't do that, don't say that. Oh, is that what that was offensive? Scott's cancelled. Oh no.

Scott's cancelled by dogs. I guess we're not the Animal Kingdoms podcast anymore. Don't open up that notes app. Nevermind. Anyways, my siblings, they wonder, they, they were, we were all playing. Cripes, Scott. Yeah, you want to know.

You're the one who brought it up. Yeah, I know. That doesn't mean I have to talk about it, but I will. Um, we were all playing outside in the, uh, yard, and we were in a little puppy pie and we took a nap behind a little car tire. Oh no. Oh no.

I worked. Yeah. Oh no. And then Susan was going out. This was Susan's car? Yeah. Oh. And then Susan was going out

and she started her car. Going out on Christmas? Yeah. Where was she going? Get smokes. Oh no. Oh no. Oh Susan. Yeah, she ran out of cigars and she had a car. Going out on Christmas? Yeah. Where was she going? Get smokes. Oh, no. Oh, Susan. Yeah, she ran out of cigars and she had to get more. She said she had to get more.

Santa's not going to be happy. Like, Swisher Sweets or are we talking like, we're talking big Cubans? Yeah, we're talking Cubans. Pack a day. Pack a day. Oh, yeah, pack a day. Pack of cigars a day. Pack a day? Oh yeah, pack a day. Pack a cigar's a day.

Pack a cubans and her dealer could only meet her on Christmas. So she started the car and we scrambled out of the way because we heard it. But scrambling out of the way, they wandered off a little cliff. Oh no. Yeah. So they didn't get run over, they just wandered off a little cliff and they fell. Oh no. Yeah. So they didn't get run over, they just wandered off a cliff. Yeah, they got stung and then they wandered off the cliff and they were fine.

They were fine when they fell off the cliff? How did they die? Jesus, what a story. They just tumbled. I'm getting to death. Are you calling this a car accident? Is that okay? No?

Oh, okay. Why would I call it a car accident? Get to the death, please. I'm trying. Max is not on trial here, by the way. Yeah. I just want to know what it feels like to be on the other side for a moment. Watch yourself, counselor. A pack of wolves got in there.

Oh, no. Yeah, got picked them up in their little mouth, but they thought that they were their own puppies. Oh. So they were fine. So they raised them. Yeah. They raised them. As wolves.

They raised them as wolves and then they killed them. Oh no. Why did they kill them? You know, they raised them first and then they killed them. That's cruel. Yeah. Only for a couple weeks. Yeah, I don't know. We lost touch. Did they suddenly admit they were dogs and they felt so betrayed that they were like... I guess, I don't know. We lost touch after they fell off the cliff because I stayed... Wait, wait, wait. They might still be alive.

Oh, wow. We don't read their names in the obits at the end of the show. Oh, yeah. Matt, listen to the obituaries at the end. Okay. And if those names aren't in there, what were the names again? Oh, as far as I know, Dottie, Shelby, and Jacob. Okay.

Dottie, Shelby, and Jacob. Oh, I'm looking at the obits. All right. So you know already. I know already, yeah. You're gonna wanna listen to the obits. Okay. It seems like either way I...

Yeah, Warren. So rather than just tell them now, you say wait and listen. Uh... You're heavily implying that they're dead, but you're still making it back. Stick around. Stick around for the event. You know, like, you're gonna enjoy these.

I got nowhere to go, so I'll stick around. Yeah. All right, look, we're running out of time. Do you want to do your song parody after the plugs or before the plugs? After the plugs, okay. And before the obituaries. Okay, great. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, Do you want to do your song parody after the plugs or before the plugs? After the plugs? Okay. And before the obituaries. Okay great. We just have time for one final feature on the show and that is of course a little something called Plugs. Open the plug bag. Open the plug bag. Jeremy Piven's Plug Bag. Jeremy Piven's Plug Bag.

Jeremy Piven's Plug Bag. Jeremy Piven's Plug Bag. Oh, wow. It was beautiful. Beautiful. That was Anna McAnallan with Jeremy Piven Plugs. Boy, do we need to rebrand as the Jeremy Piven Plugs section? Maybe so.

I mean, that was a parody of Jeremy Piven to you. Jeremy Piven to you, yes, an early deep cut on the show. Thank you so much, Anna, for that. Please send in your... So she did all the vocals. She multitracked herself. She doesn't credit anyone else on this. Oh, what if she didn't do them all and she's just being a jerk? Yeah, who knows? Although, Anna and Mick and Alan could be two totally different names.

True. Doesn't have to be a first name and a surname. Still one person not getting credit. Yeah, that's true. All right, guys, what are we plugging? Alan Mooney Tony, you want to plug anything here? Yeah, I'd like to plug, you know, I like to watch shows online that I can't be...

You like to watch? I like to watch. I like to watch shows online that I can't see in person. And I watch these shows on Vimeo, it's called Varietopia, and it's hosted by this guy, Paul F. Tompkins. Oh, he's married to the person that I was talking about earlier.

That guy? Yeah. That's bananas to me, but okay. That he's married to Janie? Yes. It doesn't make any logical sense. Doesn't make any sense to me at all. But yeah, I mean, but it happened.

I don't know how he pulled that off, but. It happened. But what he does, this is the alternate earth where it happened. What he does, alternate earth where it happened Hamilton But also see my song barities devolve into Just you who's saying something and then I take an existing song I say the phrase you just said but the rest of the actual lyrics. Okay, so vimeo and this guy's

Shows It's variety show This guy's show he puts his variety shows on video it's a i feel like you're interfering with the plug that i desperately want to get out there you want to get it out yes uh so he puts these variety shows on vimeo uh and you can find them at uh bit lee uh you know the bit dot l y slash pft dash vod interesting and you see these wonderful variety BIT.LY slash PFT-VOD. Interesting. And you see these wonderful variety shows.

BIT, LEAP, PFT, VOD. This is what it means to me. VOD, this is what it means to me. Okay. So yeah, and you can see these wonderful variety shows online, you can buy them. They're up there for purchase. Whoa, how many does he have up there? Right now I think there's four up there plus two improvisation shows. Whoa! Called Spontuoco.

Okay, fantastic. Robbie, what do you want to plug? Let's see, first off, I want to plug. First off, you have more than one thing. Is that allowed? Because I have another thing. Oh yeah, go ahead, do your other thing. Also, Varietopia is is happening live I'm hoping to see this March 6th. You want to be there in person instead of watching it online. There's an early bird show at 5 30 p.m. on a Sunday. That's Denny's. Exactly here's the thing you go see a fun show then you go home for dinner at that point maybe you go out for dinner. Yeah. What an evening. Wow and that's March when? Madness. March 6th, Sunday, March 6th. Sunday. 5.30pm, tickets are on sale now. PFT.com slash live.

So email that website. PaulLeftTomkins.com slash live. PaulLeftTomkins.com slash live. That's for the live show in Los Angeles. Alright, great. Jesus Christ. He's good. No, that's what I meant.

He made it all possible. Alright, Robbie, what do you want to plug in? Okay, first off. Oh, geez. Back to first off. I want to promote my innocence. And second off, I'm selling a Yana Santitukumbo rookie card because, let me tell you what, lawyer fees are not cheap. Wait, but you're just paying yourself. Yeah, but I got to eat lunch every day. And. I gotta eat that over there by the courthouse and the food there is expensive.

Oh no. Boy, that's true. Why is the courthouse food so expensive? It's unbelievable. Max, what do you wanna plug? Just me. Please. Just figure out how to adopt me would be great.

That's all. Okay, I wanna plug, hey, cbbworld.com. We have some great shows over there. We have that Randy Snuts show that just was on. We did the aforementioned flash dance episode with Janie Haddad-Thomkins. And we have something, some cool stuff coming out this week. So check that out.

All right. I'm interested. You're interested? Yes, I am. Okay. All week, so check that out. I'm interested. You're interested? Yes, I am. Okay. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Take one hand, put it up. Don't break, don't break the other, put it down. Drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive,

drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive,

drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope Don't close the plug bag. Thank you for that remix Guys, I want to thank you so much. First of all, Robbie. Thank you. Good luck to you. Thank you Thanks for having me on here. Will you come back and update us about what happens with the trial? I mean, you can't come back from prison obviously, but right I can't come back from prison that they let me know that several times Unless I make a daring escape. Oh, so you're already... you've moved on mentally to escaping for prison. I got a bunch of bedsheets already.

Oh. You're not allowed to bring your own bedsheets into prison. What? But my skin. Max, good luck to you. I mean, this may be the last time we ever speak, but stick around for the bits. No, I'm so excited and nervous. This may be the last time we ever speak, but stick around stick around for the obits Excited nervous for the obits or for life. Okay, maybe we'll be talking about you next week on the show And alimony Tony it's that time is not always in that we close up the plug bag we've closed up the plug bag Yes, is there a song was, we just heard it.

Oh, okay, I was lost in thought. Yeah, but speaking of the song. Thinking about the Susan. Oh yes, so this is the aforementioned parody of the Star Spangled Manor called A Bar-Mangled Manor. A Bar-Mangled Manor. And it's about some Americans that built a bar inside Downton Abbey and they wrecked the place.

Okay. Okay. Oh, Lady Mary, did you party last night? Did you do some fat rails while O'Brien was cleaning? Seems the Yanks built a bar out of Lord Grantham's sight. There was rum, there was scotch. Mr. Carson started careening. Mrs. Hughes drank her share. Bates let down his slick hair.

Lady Edith got tight. Mrs. Patmore got bare, and the way that that dowager Mountain Abbey and our Lady Sibyl's grave. Play ball! That's right. Alright, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. Here comes...