Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver, Ryan Gaul (Wet Day Special 2022)

Episode Date: April 10, 2025

Happy Wet Day (actual)! This week, to honor the holiday, we are releasing the first ever Wet Day episode. Originally episode #752, released April 10th, 2022, and titled "Wet Day Special,"  Wet Day co-creator Paul F. Tompkins joins Scott to chat about baseball uniforms, Wet Day carols, and the Super Soldier serum. Then, grandfathers Spike and Ike Minksalmon stop by to warn listeners to stay away from their granddaughter. Plus, financial advisor Doug Gropes returns to talk about his multi-layer system on how to spend your stimulus check. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, this is Scott Ackerman, and welcome to another bonus bang. Bonus bang's being, of course, previously recorded episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we are re-releasing. And happy actual wet day. We, of course, observed wet day on Monday of this week, but this is the actual wet day. And to celebrate this incredible holiday, which I, of course, don't have to describe to you because you already know what it is, We are re-releasing our very first wet day episode from April 10th, 2022. Originally episode number 752, this is entitled Wet Day Special. Now, this episode features Paul F. Tompkins and Drew Tarver as Ike and Spike Mink Salmon

and Ryan Gall as Doug Groves. It's a great episode. It helped start and kick off this wet day tradition that we now celebrate every single year. If you haven't heard Monday's episode, this trio returned. And that's also a very funny episode. So happy wet day to all and to all a wet night. And if you enjoy this and you want more, you can go to CBBWorld.com, become a subscriber. You can hear every single episode we've ever done, as well as all of the live episodes, add-free, as well as all of our other shows like Neighborhood Listen and Hey Randy, just to name but a few.

Scott hasn't seen. I hope you enjoy this. and I hope you're spending today nice and wet. Many urcles to you. You fry it, bake it or broil it. Big boy shits are meant for the toilet. Welcome to comedy bang, bang. I have to go.

Oh, really? Yeah. So soon. Something just came up. Well, I hope my good friend Shimmy is around. Is he here? Hey! He's still here. Do you need a guess for the ABOP?

I certainly do. Shimmy! What's up? Hey, Scott. What haven't I asked you in previous appearances? I don't know. My last name? Okay, what's your last name, Shimmie?

Lincoln. Shimmy Lincoln? Yeah. Related to old honest Abe. Who? Uh, Abraham Lincoln. How was the play, Mrs. Lincoln? What?

I don't get this reference. Okay. Have you ever seen a play? Let's start there. So, Angels in America? Oh, really? All three hours or all six hours? All six hours?

Really? Parastroica as well? I pay an extra star I can eat dinner on the stage. During Angels in America. Yeah. Well, I gotta go. Okay, shit, bye. All right, I came back.

Oh, thank God. Paul's back. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. A clue as to who I am. Thank you, by the way, to call Waiting for Godot for that wonderful catchphrase submission. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. And this is a very special episode. I'll talk to you about it in a second.

Coming up a little later, we have two grandfathers. And we also have a financial advisor. So that's very exciting. But you know our first guest, Dan. You know why he is here if you are a fan of Comedy Bang Bang. It is the most wonderful time of year, in my opinion. And maybe you'll agree. I don't know if I agree yet.

But after we hash this out, after we chop it up, we'll figure out. Do you need to be visited by three damp ghosts? Well, you know why we're here. I mean, obviously this episode is coming out the day after we're recording it. But we are recording it on April 10th. That's right. And so you know why I needed to have this gentleman on the show. He is a comedian.

He is an improviser. He's an actor. He's a writer. But most importantly, he's the co-creator of Wet Day. April 10th, please welcome back to the show, Paul Lev Tompkins. Oh, I love it. Now, Paul, I, Scott, you know I'm a wet day nut. You certainly are.

I mean, you, you co-created it, so of course. I start decorating the house on St. Patrick's Day. That already else has their shamrocks and shit up. What do, hose it down? Yeah. I, I hose down my house every day through April 10th. Do you like open the windows and just put the garden hose in and just start? Yeah, yeah.

You put the garden hose in, you take the garden nose out. How are the electronics working these days? Oh, they're not. Yeah, a total amount. Have to buy all new stuff. Good. But that gives you an excuse to. Wet Day shopping.

Post-Wet Day shopping, of course. Yes, a wet-day boxing day. Now, as the co-creator of a wet day, and by the way, I should say, my name is Scott Ackerman, and I am the other co-creator of White Day. Is that right? We are the architects of the wet-day season. Now, do you remember what wet day is? No, but I know.

that it involves being wet? Why did we start talking about this? I don't remember. And I specifically texted you before we started recording and said, do you remember what wet day is all about or any details at all? And you remember. You left me on read. All I remember is us putting out a plaintive cry to the listeners to please remind us when

wet day is coming up. Absolutely, yes. And they have done their part. We gave them a date to start reminding us. They did it. Two months in advance before a wet day. Yes, that's right. And here it is.

wet day itself and we don't remember why we started talking about it. Yeah. What happens in it? That was in the haze of the best ofs. It was. By the way, I left the pool. We're in the backyard era of comedy bang bang, bang, of course, but I left the filter on in the pool to hear a little bubbling during wet day. But I believe the timer just turned it off right now, so I'm going to try to turn it back on. So that's why I'm on my phone. I'm not ignoring you. It's nice because it sounds like you have a water feature. Yes, it does. Now, I normally turn it off for the show. This is maybe getting a little inside baseball. Baseball's not even as boring as this.

And you're a fan. That's right. That's right. So now what could wet day be? I mean, obviously the decorations, but how else should we celebrate other than doing this show? I think that maybe you take a longer shower than you normally do. How long are we talking? Because I like a good 30, 35 minutes.

By an hour then. So for a hour. 45 minute shower. Sure. I can't I can't masturbate that many times 35 times you can't

wouldn't be great if it took one minute every time I would not have to clear my schedule for the entire day anymore if you were guaranteed like from who's guaranteeing it by God you'll get into heaven if you don't masturbate

within one minute that's the God promise God? It took 75 seconds. Start fixing my halo. If you, if it takes longer than a minute, you automatically get into heaven? No purgatory. You go straight. Yeah, yeah.

Cut the line pass, everything. But then if it's, what if it's less than a minute? You think God is trying to get it to the second? He's God. Yeah, that's true. If he can't do that, what's the point? That's the whole point of him being God if he can't make us masturbate for exactly 60 seconds every time. You can make it rain, but you can't do that?

Yeah, and I'll be honest, I don't know that I wanted to last less than 60 seconds. I don't want it to last more. I think 60 seconds is a nice amount of time. It's a nice amount of time to enjoy it because you get enough like, oh, this feels good. Yes. And then, but at 60 seconds, it's like, what am I doing here? 61 seconds like, come on. Second 61 is like, this is mortifying.

Well, what else could be wet? I mean, obviously, hopefully it's raining in your neck of the woods. Oh, maybe a tree. Maybe a tree is wet. Why don't you put a tree? Put it. Maybe a tree is wet. Yeah, I said, what else is wet?

You said, maybe a tree. There, why is, Christmas is the only holiday with a tree, right? That's true. That's a good point. Let's start moving trees in and out of the house more often. Well, I'm saying it doesn't have to be in the house. Obviously, obviously. And if you rent, you get in big trouble.

Yeah. But, uh, you, You can put a tree outside. Yes, and then open the window and then bend it so it comes inside. That's not where I was headed, but keep going. Almost like Charlie Brown's a little tree that bends all the way over, just like do that. So it's like going over the sill. Over the sill!

I'm imagining over the top right now. Well, the primary thing, though, is that it must be wet. It has to be the wettest tree you can find. It doesn't have to be like, okay, look. some of you live in the desert. It's just got to be the wettest tree you can find, not the wettest tree in existence. Exactly, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, guys. If you live on the bottom of the ocean, obviously you have an advantage. Sure. Good old Poseidon with all of his wet-ass trees.

Oh, man, I love him. Do you think that's, he's the patron saint of wet day, is he not? Yes, Poseidon, the Greek god is the patron saint of wet day. Where were you going to ask? I was going to ask, are the Greek gods still around? It's interesting because the Roman ones, they're out. Yeah. They were like. No, we have confirmation on that. Yeah.

They're done. They were like, around the time we named that planet Mars, they're like, uh-uh. Yeah, that's not what the Zumao. You guys have ruined it. It ruined it for all of us. And then they took off to another galaxy. Why didn't baseball stop once people in the stand start showing up in uniforms? Like if I were a baseball player, if I worked at Walmart and someone came in at a Walmart uniform.

Hey, I'm you. Yeah, with your name tag? Yeah, it's like, come on, buddy. But I mean, baseball... Out the door or true to window. Like, to be a professional baseball player, you have to have an immense amount of talent and skill, and then a guy shows up wearing your jersey.

He's like, who are you the fuck do you think you are? How the fuck do you think you are? Now, should baseball players then try to counteract that by dressing up like Frankenstein? Okay, this is... I didn't see this coming. So that it becomes a real pain in the ass for anyone to do it. Like, you got to get the makeup and the bolts.

Well, I think it's more of a banish for the players because they have to play baseball dressed as Frankenstein. I was in plays where I had to do shit like that and you do hundreds of performances. You're used to it. I was going to say, what if the players, they like scout the stands before the game and then they get a good look at some of the people. And then they go out and they make themselves look like people in the stands who are wearing their jerseys. And it's like a pad like the jerseys. And they play baseball looking like that. No, they don't.

It is just there's a, there's, it's built into the game. game where, look, we have all the flyovers and we have the national anthem. Sure. Part of it is we, the players get to mock people in the stands. I love it. And it's vicious. Yeah. It is cruel.

It's like those terrible caricatures, you know. Yeah. It's like the Chevy Chase roast. Yes. Where it's like the people are not like, they're coming out of it on the other side. Absolutely. Yes. Yes.

Exactly. And they admit it. They admit it. Yeah. Then whoever, like whoever you're, your local sports announcers are, and I hope that you have some. Oh, can you,

can you imagine not having a local sports announcer? Some places don't have them. Can you imagine that? They have to farm it out to like the bigger cities? There's places like, there should be one local sports announcer in every city in the United States. And they have to call games. Yes.

That they're not at. Sure. They have to listen. There's not going to be a game every single city. They listen on the radio and then they, they do their impression. They have to paraphrase everything that is said. I'm getting that.

Basically. Like a psychic? Oh, I'm sensing a... Yeah, they have to do it five minutes ahead. I'm taking it feel a fly. But how many cities are in America? I know we've talked about this.

10 and 11? There's a few. Well, 50 states. So it's at least 50. Yeah. Probably 100. Two cities per state? 100.

100. Yeah. There's got to be 100. Los Angeles, San Francisco. Done. Done. Las Vegas, Reno. Done.

911. Ah, do you think we'll ever be on that show? Doubtful. I mean, it keeps going away and coming back. Every time comes back, I think maybe this is the time. Nope. No. Good friend of Tom's.

I've seen people that were... My wife has a huge part in that movie. I've watched people that were, that got into comedy after I moved here. Like, I watched them move to town, start their comedy career, and be on Reno 911. Yeah. That's great. It's suspect. What about the...

It's suspect. Wait, it's totally suss. What do you think about the, what do you think about the big mouth of it all? With those characters drawn by us. That is. Drawn like us. That would be even worse.

If Nick were like, hey, you got to draw these characters and I'm not even going to hire you to do the voices. Yeah, yeah. But the fact that obviously those guys weren't supposed to be us, but enough people said they looked like Paul and Scott.

It was supposed to be David Caruso and Dennis Farina. That's right. Yeah. And that's a little insulting as well. That that looks, those two look so much like us that people thought it was us. Is my skin that bad?

I don't think so. Who are you saying you are? Oh, Farina. Oh, okay. I thought they both had. Bad skin? Yeah. No, David Cruz has beautiful.

Does he have beautiful skin? Oh, that's why he's always outside with those sunglasses. That's right. That's why he's always outside. Speaking of outside. If you want to keep your skin fresh, go outside and wear some sunglasses. Yeah. Speaking of outside, though, water covers 77% of the earth, wouldn't you say?

98.6. 98.7% of the earth. Point six. Oh. Point seven is unhealthy. 102.7% of the earth. Kiss FM. Water the whole office can agree on.

And water from the 60s, 70s, 80s, and beyond. Sometimes a whole day will go by. And I won't even give it a fucking thought. Oh, come on. I won't even. I'll be like, what? What? You know what?

It is funny, though, that like, when I brush my teeth, I rinse my toothpaste out. I don't think that is water. No, it's just that it's this thing that's coming from that metal thing. Yeah. But you were not even processing it anymore. Like I'm past the point where I would get in the shower and say, first turn on the water.

Like I just know to do it. It's like when you're driving home. I don't even have the clocking every single turn you ever made. I don't even have the instructions up anymore. No. They were starting to curl, like peel and curl. But at what point are you aware of water? It should be on wet day.

obviously. Exactly. When you are covered by it. Yes. When you're in a pool, the whole time you're thinking, I'm in water. I'm in water. That's the whole reason people have it. Yeah.

I want to swim. I'm going to move some of this water out of the way to get to the other side of the pool. Right. That's what swimming is. It's like you're physically moving water out of your way. Exactly. Yeah. And now if you don't have a pool, obviously, take a bath, you filthy animal.

Yes. If you don't have a bathtub, then God bless you. Those are the two Exactly Yeah unlike Christmas Which has a lot of If you haven't got a Oh they go so far down the line

If you haven't got a pound If you haven't got a pound No they don't start with a pound These are urchins Can you imagine being an urchin getting a pound? Yeah they start Oh you'd be set for a lot You'd retire

You'd be like hey I'm out of the urchin game Guys it's been fun But I'm out I love y'all You're not like my second family We live in the sewer. A bad tells us to pickpockets. He asks them.

So they start with a penny. Yes. Penny, then a hey, penny. Please put a penny in the old man's hat. Yeah. If you haven't got a penny, a hey penny will do.

They'll like you. It's fine. Whatever. I like the will do because it's like they know they're being a little cheeky. I guess. Like to them,

a hate penny is still a lot. Do they know it or we know it and they're just being assholes? I think we both know it and we're having fun. Okay. Got it's Christmas. Well, this brings up the point, what are the Wet Day carols? Because there should be songs.

You're not a huge fan of Christmas carols, but you're the biggest fan I know of Wet Day carols. Why do you say that? I thought that you didn't like Christmas music. No, I like Christmas music. I did a bit once about how it's the same two songs over and over me. Chris Rock taught us that. Comedy is truth of Babylon B taught us that. So, but what are the Wet Day songs that should be there?

I mean, first of all, let's... Wet ass pussy. Yeah, it's Wop. Number one with a bullet. It's gotta be. It's the... It's the first song. It's got to be.

Is there, I mean, look, the best band for Wet Day is Wet, Wet, Wet. Wet, Wet. Of course. I'm trying to think of any other song that has wet in it. Do you think they would have gone? Is that a wet day song? I mean, if you're sweating, you're wet. But it also has wet in the title, but just it's got the going to make you sweat or going

to make you S before. think if you take this the ass off of sweat it's wet it's wheat at least wheat uh bringing in the sheaves which is about wheat which you could pronounce wet that's true as we've established great so these are all great songs to listen to all wet day absolutely all wet day long the entire discography of wet wet wet wet ass pussy bringing in the sheaves what maria carry song what does she have anything with wet someone please make a spotify wet day playlist which Just that. Yes, because we've run out.

Does Mariah Carey have a song with Wet in the title? God, what could be, let's see, wet, wet, wetter fly. Whitter? Whitter? I'm trying to think of blitter. Wetter? Wedder? Wedder?

Weather? Hello? Hello, wetter? I don't know. Mariah, get on this, please. We need more music to listen to you. You can only listen to wet ass. Pussy probably...

A million times? One million times. But then, like in Christmas tradition, various covers of these songs. Yes. Now, what is the jingle bells of... Is wet-ass pussy the jingle bells of Wet Day songs? Then there's wet-ass-pussy rock. Because jingle bells in every Christmas song, they'll usually end by going ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

So... Classic out. So how does wet-ass pussy go? What's the melody of that? if there's a discernible one What ass pussy. What else pussy? There's some whores in this house.

There's some bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. So maybe that at the end. I think it's like that. Some hores in the house. Every song ends with it. There's some whores in this house. So it's like, okay, you're listening to.

We shall go rejoicing, bringing in the sheep. There's some hoars in this house. There's some hoars in this house. There's some hoars. It's perfect. Yeah. This is good wet day stuff. And look, I know that you're all hearing this podcast the day after wet day.

So it's not even making sense necessarily because now you have to wait another 360. I know. You got like a wet day hangover. You know what? Stop this right now. Dry off. We're going to talk about this for a long time. And save it for next wet day.

Or at least the week before wet day or whenever we ask people to remind us about it. Yes, exactly. That's sacred day. That is sort of wet day even. That is, yes. I mean, you know the 12 days of. Of Oscar, of course. Wet Day Eve is the two months before.

That's right. So, have we talked about wet day? So. No, I think we've satisfied the wet day requirement. We have talked about wet day at this point. Yeah. We are both sopping, sopping wet, obviously. Drenched.

I'm ringing wet. Yes. And both separately. And I'm 120 pounds. Soaking wet. You are. We figure that out. I'm much heavier if I'm dry.

You're a 98 pound weekly, usually. That's right. That adds 22 pounds. That's right. I have just a big head arms crony body like Captain America. That would delight me to no end if one day you showed up and you were super jacked and you were like, oh, I got that Captain America thing. It's real. Yeah.

You'd be delighted. You wouldn't be like freaked out. I'd be jealous more than freaked out. I'd be happy for you. I'd save some for you. You'd save me some super solter serum. I'd save you some triple S. Yeah.

Oh, thank you so much. That's so nice of you. you how much, though. Enough. Enough to what? To make you almost as super as me? Oh, so you'll save me 49%. No, not like 1%.

You'll only save me 1%. No, no, no. I'm saying I would only be 1% more super than you. So wait, so 55, no, 50.5% versus 49.5%? Wouldn't it be 99%? Huh? No, you get 50.5% of the serum. I'm not splitting it with you.

I'm getting you at your own dose. Oh, Scott, what do you take me for? He's like, well, I'm going to dilute the super soldiers. I thought we're going to be two half super super soldiers. Wait, so you're getting me a 99% of the other dose? I'm getting you're pouring out one percent of the other dose? Yes, I'm just pouring out one percent for the homeless of course for Steve Rogers, who of course is old and bad.

Peggy Carter, yes. Lauren, I hope you're not listening to this. Oh my God. I almost spoiled it for her newcomer show. Did you watch that Agent Carter TV show? I did. Man, I had a crush on her. On which one?

Agent Carter. Oh, Agent, the titular? Yes. Speaking titular. Come on. That's my crush you're talking about. I'm so sorry. I won't hear such language about the crush.

What would you, what would, realistically, what would you do if suddenly what, I can't remember her name, but Agent Carter, Haley Atwell, were to, I'm not even saying she'd show up at your door, but like you ran into her at Little Dom's or something? Right. And it was just like, Paul, I got to be with you. I've heard this comedy bang bang episode and I was a big fan before but I gotta be with you

who who I mean how surprising would that be if she had any idea who I was? That would be the biggest surprise Who is the person that you would be the most delighted to discover knew who you were? Knew who I was well I had like a strong knowledge of who you not like they're like super fan necessarily but they're like

oh I absolutely know who that guy is well like it was It was very gratifying to hear Neil Patrick Harris, of course, being a fan of the show and several musicians out there. But I think Tandy Newton, sure, that's a good one. I'd enjoy that if she was like, I listen to every episode in between Westworld takes when I'm lying on the slab, nude as a jaybird. In between takes. Not between setups. Nope. In between takes.

Hand me my headphones. I've got to put me buns back in. No, I don't need the robe. Just the headphones. It's a solo bolo, in it? I would love it. Although I believe I'm mispronouncing her name the way she came out and saying, hey, everyone's been mispronouncing my name.

It's not Tandy? I can't remember exactly how to pronounce it now. How many other ways could there be? Recently she came out and said, you know what? I just kind of went along with it, but now, like, everyone call me how it's actually supposed to be pronounced. To Hyundai? It might be.

That might be close. Newtown? Tandia, Tandia, Tandie. But if you're listening out there, Tandy or however you pronounce it, hit me up. Would love to have you on the show. I mean, like if Ian McKellen had any idea who I was, that would be exciting? That would be exciting. Would you have been, would you have, would you have like to have been in that Nazi movie where,

Apt pupil? Apt pupil, where if you had to be in the shower scene. I don't remember the shower. we're seeing in after people. Yeah, well, uh, never mind. Look it up. No, let's talk about right now. I know.

I just wanted to allude to it. No, thanks. Can I tell you something that bother me about the X-Men? Yeah. What do you got? How uncanny they were? Yes. I like people who are canny.

They need to be smart in certain situations. Like they are, so the ex, so mutants are a stand-in for any group, any marginalized groups that people fear and hate because they are different. Yes, but they have to be born that way as well. Exactly. Yes, exactly. Or at least come into their, but they were born that way. Then they get their period and then their mutin.

Yes, exactly. This is what happens. Yes. But then they also make Magneto an Auschwitz survivor. Yes. Right? And it's like, no, but that's the thing you're, this is the analogy. Yeah.

Why are you pulling the real thing into the analogy? They called it the X-Man double whammy for him. It was like, man, you got, you got, you got, fucked in both hands. Double whammy. Double whammy. An X-Men double-whammy. So yeah, he had it really, really bad.

I felt like it hurt the analogy that they were going for. So you wanted him just to be locked up because he was Jewish? I feel like that's not any different than what I'm saying. You're trying to do a gotcha. That's not different than what I'm saying.

Paul has an interesting point of view on Fake mutants need to be all locked up in concentration camps? All right, Paul. Interesting. Fake mutants. Fake mutants in real concentration camps? Wait, are you saying, okay, so are we saying that I want to lock up Magneto because he's Jewish? Or do I think Ian McKellen is Jewish and he should be locked up?

I think both. I think you're such a sicko that you think both things. I'm not as, I'm a regular O. That's true. Regular O's. You know, there's SpaghettiOs, sickos. What other kinds of O's are there? Tando Newton's.

Fignuotans. Hey, it's wet day. Anything could happen on wet day. Oh, wild. Oh, Henry, yeah. Oh, Henry's a good one. The candy bar and the guy. The candy bar and the guy.

Now, is the candy bar based on the guy? No. Then what the fuck are we doing here? It's like baby Ruth. That's got to be based on the guy. No, it's not. What the hell? No, they say it is based on the guy.

based on the president at the time, his daughter, Herbert Hoover. Herbert Hoover had a Hoover. That is it. It could go. And all the day, he had to play. I go, go, go, go. So wait, he had a, okay, so this is like depression Eric candy or something. It was like Calvin Coolidge.

It was somebody like that. Someone had a depression Eric candy. It wasn't during the Depression. I think it was, maybe it was Woodrow Wilson. Somebody had a daughter named Ruth. Someone had a daughter named Ruth. They name a candy bar after. Yes.

And then this is like a logic puzzle. Then this jackass Babe Ruth. Yeah. I bet his name wasn't even Babe. No. He's changing it to be like the candy. He's named after St. Babe. St. Babe?

Yes. The pig? The Patriot of Pigs. Oh my God. We are outside. La la la. Of course you can hear this, I believe it's a... That sounds like an aeroplane to me.

Sounds like it has some sort of a jet engine, does it not? I feel like it's a prop plane. Sounds like props. A propeller plane? Yeah. Interesting. Let's give a. a good listener.

Well, it is wet day and we're outside. Is this hard for me to be the first guest because we know each other so well and you have no questions for me? What would you? It's like we're just hanging out. It's not like what an interview. Yeah, I mean, what do you have to? We're done by projects.

What's going on, Paul? Nothing. I know, me either. I heard you got a movie the other day almost. Yeah, I almost did. I had a movie for a weekend. That's got to be a great weekend. And then my agents were like, hey, that offer was sent by accident.

How does one have an accident like that? This is what I can't understand. It's like the old joke about like, did you trip and your dick fell in her, you know? It's like. That old joke? You know that. You know that joke of like, oh, I accidentally. Welcome to the Copa.

I accidentally had an affair. What, did you a trip and do you a dick fell in her? Like, did your. And now, Mr. Hetty Arnold. And did your manager trip and their dick fell on the computer? Here's what's so great. Is that that email? This was my agents.

And my agents told me. So, so I, in the morning of Friday, Friday morning. I get... Pre-wet day. Oh, this is... This is a week before wet-day. This is a week...

This is a month before wet-day? A month before wet-day? No, week before wet-day. Okay. I get a call from... I get a text from a friend of mine said, hey, a producer friend is looking to cast a role in this movie. I said, you'd be perfect for it.

Juicy. If you're interested. And I said, yeah, give me... Here's my agent's contact info. A few hours go by. Get an email from my agent's office saying, you have been offered this role with the script or read the script. I'm like, this is a great part.

Yeah, I'd love to do this. It's like an indie film. It's not like a big Marvel movie or something like that. I play Indiana Jones. Wow, you have the hat for it today. I wonder why you brought that big bull whip. This is what I'm going to practice. Sure.

Also, I'm afraid there's bulls around here. Yeah, you gotta whip those. Oh, my God. Stay away. Are they whipping bulls these days? If they're smart. Those things are dangerous. They don't want to get gourd.

Watch the jackass movie. Exactly. Not a bullwip in sight. No, Johnny Knoxville? Put a goddamn bullwhip on your belt. Like Indiana Jones. That sentence was hard for you. It was hard.

I got it out, though, eventually. It felt like touch and go. Yeah, I almost had an aneurysm. You'll get there. Someday, please. So I respond to my agent immediately and say, yes, I would like to do this. Then it's the weekend. Then Monday rolls around.

The freaking weekend. It was, ladies and gentlemen, the weekend. And Monday rolls around. And I haven't heard anything about this movie That starts shooting Oh, it was soon. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, when's my fitting? Yeah, exactly. All this stuff. How did they respond when I said I wouldn't learn the lines And I was just kind of riffed? Yes, you have to put cards on people acting opposite me so I can read them.

Right. I need, of course, a gigantic gym trailer. Not gymnasium. No, but a Reverend Jim trailer. Yes, where I can go in there and be Reverend Jim for as long as I want. Hokey dokey What does a yellow light mean?

Paul, they're ready for you Oh, all right Okay Um Be there in five So So Tuesday Tuesday

Tuesday All of Monday goes by With you just sitting there Wondering Yes And this is a week before wet day Yes You should be concentrating on that

I'm supposed to be Buying presents Making cards String together Popcorn and Ice Cubs What presents By the way

Are you buying for wet day these days. Well, since it's past, I can say. Yeah. What did you get Janie? I got Janie a wet car with a big wet bow on it. With a big wet bow? I got,

I got cool up water. Oh, that's great. You need some. You know, it's like the basics. You need some. It's your first wet day together. Sure. Yeah, you know, I mean, it's like,

it's hard to come up with like, what do you need on wed day? Yes, of course. I just bought her water. Of course. So then Tuesday morning, I respond to the same email that I got over the weekend, before the weekend,

and I said, I haven't heard anything from production. Then I get a call. Ooh. And the call says, oh yeah, I need to talk to you about that offer. Okay.

So I call, and this is my agent's assistant, says, yes, uh, that offer was sent by accident. That was by mistake. Who sent it by accident?

I apologize profusely. Meaning they sent it to them on accident? They're saying, they're saying the production, made the mistake and somehow it led to my agents sending me this offer that I did not have. Okay. Interesting. I don't know how that. How could that even be possible? And by the way, at that point, why don't you just go like, oh, let's hire Paul? Well, they're going a different way. Oh, a different way. They're going a little older than me. How old are we talking? Well, I don't know. I did hear that the

description later I heard the description was Mark Maron, but nicer. Oh, that's not you. No. It's not. Mark Marin, but worse? That's me. That's you. That's me.

But nicer, I don't know. Well, that's, unfortunately. I don't know if it was nicer. It might have been more, more approachable, more, like, warmer, more friendly, something like that. Yeah, all the, everything that kind of, like, combines into being nicer. Yeah. Which basically means, like, we asked Mark Marion, he said no. Right.

Oh, so they. And it's like a slam on him? Because the money was bad. No, I think it's like, well, this is a guy like him. Yeah. Well, that's too bad. Can we say what the movie is so that people can boycott it? Oh, no.

That's too bad. Who's this friend who sent it to you? Can't say. Can't say that either. God. But his last name is Cameron. Kirk Cameron? Wait, this is one of those Christian films?

He said, look, I got the script. I can't read it, of course, because it's not religious. But there's probably a part of it. in there for you? How nice of him? I mean, it was nice, but he didn't even know anything about it. He just couldn't even read it. This godless script came here by accident.

I can't have it in the house because God does not suffer the wicked to have the wicked scripts in his home. So will you look at it? I bet there's a part of it. He wasn't even suggesting me to someone else. Really? He just said there's a part in there. Yeah.

Wow. That's nice of him, though. I mean, have you ever spoken to him? But the thing is, it's not really nice because encoded in the, And that, of course, is, well, you're going to hell. You're going to do this. Yeah, yeah. Why don't you further on down the road to hell?

Further on down, further on down the road to hell. We got to take a break. Well, happy wet day to you. We do have to take a break. Happy wet day to you, Scott. And look, the first of many, I hope. Oh, my God, yes. God, if this was our last wet day?

And our children's children. Yes, that's right. And our children's children. Can you imagine, though, if either of us passed away before the next wet day and this was our only wet day? Oh, did we make it count? God, did we make a count? Are we wet enough? Did we earn this?

Could we have made this person wet or that person wet? Get wet, you building a loan? Well, we do have to take a break, but this is our wet day special and very, very exciting. Coming up, we have, and I don't know if any of our future guests are wet, but we have a couple of grandfathers. I don't know if they know about wet day. Who knows? We'll find out. We have a financial planner.

No, you have to take off. Is that right? I can't stay here one second. Okay. Thanks for coming by. Appreciate it. When we come back... That got ran away.

Shimmy! You're still here. How Scott? Why are you still here, Shimmy? I can't find my way out. It's right there. The door is right in front of you. What?

It makes a better door than a window. Where? I see a window. No, that's a door. I see a bad window. No, just turn that... See that round thing? About halfway down?

I beg your pardon? Yeah, you know what I'm pointing to. All right, we got to take a break. When we come back, we'll be, uh, have no more Paul F. Tompkins, but we'll have some other people. We'll be right back with more Wet Day special after this. Like what the movie's in. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang, Bang, Wet Day Special. And this is Scott Ackerman.

Paul If Tompkins had to take off. Shimmy's around, I think. He's just, uh, wandering. He's very friendly. I love you guys. Who are you talking to, Jimmy? Everybody. Everybody in the world?

Yeah, happy one day. Hey, he. Shimmy knows what wet day is. I'm drenched. You are. But that's not water, right? What is it? What wet you?

Nobody said it had to be water. Who wet you, Shimmie? All right. Well, we have to get to our next guest. This is exciting. They are the aforementioned two grandfathers. Please welcome to the show Spike and Mike Mink Salmon. Let me tell you, if anything happens to my granddaughter, I'm going to visit you.

and you're not going to be happy about it. Okay. Don't look at our grandkids. Okay. Do not. Wait, oh, you share a grandchild? We each have a granddaughter. We each have a granddaughter.

And don't go near her. And is it the same granddaughter? If we see you near our granddaughter while she's swinging on the playground, you'll have a problem. Okay, all right. If my granddaughter is coloring and something makes her go outside the lines, I'm going to come for you. Okay.

We'll have to get it taken care of. I doubt I'll be even coming into contact with your granddaughter. Just stay away. Is it the same person? I do need to figure that out because you seem to be related. How would that be possible? Well, I mean, you have the same last name. Are you related?

Yes. We're brothers. Okay. So, or you could be married. We could be. We're not. But you're not. But you're not.

Okay. So your brothers. But if we were going to get married and our granddaughter was at our wedding. You don't need to get near the wedding. Okay. If our granddaughter is the flower girl at our wedding, walking down the aisle, sprinkling rose petals, and you show up there, you're not going to like what happens.

We'll have to take care of you. You'll end up in a Chicago overcoat. Yep. What is a Chicago overcoat? A coffin. A coffin? That's right. They call that a Chicago overcoat, even outside of Chicago?

That's right. Everywhere around the country, they call it a Chicago. Everyone. It's a Chicago over. Are you guys from Chicago? No. Yeah, I can tell you're like from back east and you're from the south. Is that right?

We're from the same place. Exactly the same place. Sort of the southern part of Philadelphia. Oh, okay. South Philly. Some people call. South Philly. Okay.

That's right. Okay. And you guys are brothers. That's right. And one of you has a granddaughter and one of you. I have a granddaughter. And I have a granddaughter. And you better stay.

away. Okay. I'm not going to come into even contact with your granddaughter unless I already know her. You'll end up in a Brooklyn shawl if you come near her. Let me guess. A coffin? Is that another? Yeah.

And everyone in the country calls it that. Everyone everywhere calls it a coffin. Who is your, who is your, oh, you mean the Brooklyn Chal? A Brooklyn Chal. I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. It happens. If you bring up that mistake one more time, you're in trouble.

All right. And my granddaughter will know about it. It happens that people make mistakes, but what if I make the mistake of getting too close to your granddaughter? Listen, I'm not going to tell you again. My granddaughter is off limits. If you go near my granddaughter, you're going to get a St. Paul slacks.

St. Paul Slacks. That's right. Let me guess. It's a coffin? You're right. And everyone calls it that? Everyone calls it a coffin. I mean.

Everyone. what. So you have... Take this coffin glossary. It shows you all the different states and all the different coffins. Okay. Arkansas. Left sock? That's right.

Interesting. Okay. New Mexico. Or did you guys already say New Mexico? No. No. We have a brother in New Mexico. We do.

Oh, you do. You stay away from our brother. Don't get close. Who's this brother? Leave his granddaughter alone. Okay. Look, everyone is a granddaughter. Pretty much, right?

No. That math doesn't check out. But about 50% of the world is a granddaughter. Yes. Yes. Right? I mean, it's almost impossible to not be a granddaughter at some point. 50% of the world are grandparents.

You have to try not to be. 50% of the world aren't grandparents. I'm saying 50% of the world are granddaughters. And yet you were right. 50% of the world are grandparents. Grand family. Grand family. Grand family.

So what are you guys here to talk about? Maybe you saw the bumper sticker on the back of our cars. I did not. I love my grand family. You have the same bumper sticker, but separate cars? Separate cars, same bumper. We have to drive right next to each other. Oh, because one bumper sticker has half of it and the other bumper sticker has one.

And unfortunately for us, it's perforated so it could tear very easily. They didn't tell us that until after we bought the bumper sticker. Oh, no. How much was this bumper sticker? $20? $20 and you couldn't just. $20,000. $20,000.

I mean, it is longer than normal bumper stickers. The part that's not perforated is very strong. Once he took a left and I dragged him. I still have the scars. Scars like you're going to have if you touch my granddaughter. I'm not going to touch your granddaughter. Don't go near. Do I know her?

You better not know my granddaughter. You know her well. You know her well. But I do know her too well. little too well. You're getting a little too close. Who is this granddaughter? You better stop asking questions about my granddaughter, whom you already know very well. Okay. Are there eight simple rules for knowing your granddaughter or...

There's 11 rules. There's 11. That's right. Can I know those? Yes. Okay. Let's hear them. One. Starting all the way at the most important. Wow. No, the higher it gets the more. Yes, yes. One is the easiest one. Okay. Don't go near my granddaughter. Okay. Now these are rules for getting near your granddaughter. Number one is don't get. That's right. Don't call her by name. Okay. Don't even look at her. Okay. Keep her name out of your mouth. Okay. Number five. Keep her name out of your fucking mouth. Okay. Very similar to the previous rule.

Don't buy her anything. Buy her anything. Okay. Like what like what are we talking about? Like, ifs. I guess that is, I mean, buying something. I think anything covers it. Don't buy her anything. That means there's not a thing you could buy accidentally. That's okay. Don't buy her anything.

Anything. So like from a spark plug, the tiniest spark plug. Leave her on the side of the road. We're not going to know his art this with you. Don't buy her anything. A zebra? Okay. That's number seven, I think.

Yes. Number eight. Turn around and walk away. Okay. Right now? Or? It's in the rules. I'm in the middle of the show. Okay.

All right. Number nine. Do not under any circumstances. Some of these rules have their own words. That's okay. Now it sounds tricky, but it's intuitive. Is it like the English word circumstances? Exactly.

It relates to that a little. It relates to that, yes. But it's a totally different definition. Not totally. Not totally. Not totally. Some of the words are the same. Totally, not totally.

So under any, do not under any circumstances. Help her get out of a situation. Of a situation, of any situation. Any situation. Any circumstance. Under circumstances, don't help her get out of any situation. Okay. All right.

Right, ten? Watch your language and be collite. Okay. He's getting further and further away from the English, I know. And then there's got to be one and the most important rule, number 11. This one, you better remember. Okay. Don't look at her.

At her? Don't look at her. You don't look at her. You don't look at her. Okay, I think I can remember the gist of all that. Read them back. Don't have anything to do with her. Don't go near her.

Don't buy anything for her. Keep her name out of my fucking mouth. Proceed. Keep her name out of my mouth without the fucking. Good. And don't go near her. And under any circumstances, don't help her out of a situation. situation. I think I got him. That was only four.

That was only four. No, that was way more than four. Look, I don't even, I don't know your granddaughter. Why do you love your granddaughter so much? I will keep it that way. Although, apparently I do know her, but why do you love? Did you really ask us, why do we love our granddaughters so much? Yeah, why do you love your granddaughter? They're a pain in the ass as far as I'm concerned. Have you ever been on the other side of a seesaw with

your granddaughter? Have you ever been at the park, sitting on a bench, watching your granddaughter on a swing? and then every once in a while she says, look how high I go pop pop, and you say, I see you, kid, you're flying. Have you ever got your granddaughter for the last half of the day and you take her out to get food and ice cream?

And she wasn't supposed to have ice cream. Have you ever yelled at your granddaughter so bad you scared her into tears? And then your daughter-in-law of your dead son gets upset. This sounds very specific. No, I have not done any of these things. Did you have one more?

Do you drive a late 80s, Chrysler, have a friend named Salamanca. Oh, this sounds pretty specific. No, I don't have either of those things. Are you the enforcer for a secret drug lord who fronts a chain of chicken restaurants? No, unfortunately, I'm not. No. Well, it sounds like you're going to have to be put into a Washington, D.C. mini tea.

Washington, D.C. isn't even a. a state. Wow, they made it in there. Taxation without representation is tyranny. Oh, are you political? Just on that score. Just on that. What do you think of taxes in general? I don't like to pay them, but if you want to stay legitimate, you've got

to pay your taxes. You got to pay a few of them. It's nice that we have nice roads to drive on to do our business. And that's what taxes do. Interesting. So now, why did you guys come on the show? To warn you about getting close to our Sure, that's established.

Granddaughter, that is. Granddaughter, yes. Sometimes I say daughter, but we mean granddaughter. Okay. But other than that. Also, we run a dairy queen. Okay. We're currently running a dairy queen into the ground.

On purpose. On purpose. For tax reasons. Okay. Don't ask any questions. But which dairy queen, do you mind saying where it's at? It's on South 6. No, do not come.

to it. We need the right off. Once it fails, we'll get a big tax deduction. Are you able to sell the food, though? Like, I mean... We got rid of the blizzards. That's why it's doing so poorly. We replaced the blizzards with chunky white gravy. So no ice cream at all? Just white gravy? No ice cream. We ordered some of those McDonald's ice cream machines, and they're always out of order. Have you changed the name of the business to like gravy queen, you know? I mean, It sounds kind of dirty. We don't want gravy people coming in there and getting satisfied.

We briefly changed it to gravy queen, and we had a lot of pornographers coming up to us. The place was crawling with freaks. You can imagine we were worried about our granddaughters. Right. Oh, I can only imagine. Suddenly your business establishment is a haven. Our granddaughter is always eating in at our dairy queen by herself in the window. So don't even drive by.

Okay, so a lot of gravy. But you say it's on sixth? If you go by. a dairy queen with a cute little girl sitting in the window eating gravy with a big smile on a face, you better turn your car around and drive away. Why did you pick Dairy Queen? Was it just like... Granddaughter.

Granddaughter's favorite restaurants. Oh, really? Dairy Queen. We looked up the top ten favorite granddaughter's favorite restaurants. And found Dairy Queen. So then you became a... Franchisees. Which is what you'll get if you go near my granddaughter.

The bullet, not the number one, I'm assuming. So you became, you became... I will present you with a number one trophy. And says, number one looked at my granddaughter. And then I'll shoot you. So you became franchisees. Is that what were franchisers? And how difficult was that process?

Very difficult. You have to only buy certain ingredients from the main Dairy Queen office, which is really hard because you could buy from other suppliers cheaper and make a bigger profit. But it's frowned upon by the Dairy Queen people. Okay, but that's why you moved into gravy then, because you didn't want to pay for their prices for the ice cream? Gravy is the cheapest product they sell. And also the most unpleasant thing to get when you're expecting ice cream.

And we need the tax deduction. There's also a very challenging written test. To become one of these, really? Yeah. Okay, and this is all based on like, uh, ingredients of the various things or Dairy Queen lore? We kept saying that the blizzard was a cold weather experience. Okay.

How did you pass the test? We cheated. Oh, okay. We got someone else to take it for us because the final question was, how much do you hate your granddaughter? Oh, no. So who took it for you? Who was that?

This guy. This scumbag. Who hates his granddaughter? And he was able to pass that final question with these. With flying colors. Wow. Had no guilt saying he hated his granddaughter. Why is that important to the Dairy Queen?

Because kids are a big part of their business. And they want to make sure that you don't love grandkids. You said that like it made sense. But it didn't. If you question, I'll love for our grandchild. I'm not questioning that. I'm questioning why the Dairy Queen Corporation needs you to hate your grandchildren. You don't need to know.

We're going to give you a trophy, and then we're going to shoot you in the back of a head and put you in a Louisiana fitted sheet. Okay, I'd rather just have the trophy. I don't need the being shot in the back of the head. Can I just have the trophy? Is that possible? You're going to end up in some Delaware drapes. So we've moved on past clothing.

We may go back to it But right now we're in bedding and housewares Wow If you're not careful You're going to end up at a Florida fingertip towel So that must take up a lot of your time But do you have, you know, working and turning people away from the dairy queen saying no, we only have gravy today? Yeah, it takes a lot of our time.

but also we are those guys at the boardwalk who dress in silver paint and be still, but we have trouble being still. Yeah, you guys are really squirly. It's hard because I see people thinking about going near my granddaughter, and I ruin the illusion of being a silver robot. Unfortunately, our granddaughters are nearby and unattended, so we can't be still. Are those guys supposed to be motionless to fool you into thinking their statues, or robots, because I would assume a robot moves.

Not all robots move. A coffee maker's a robot. It doesn't go anywhere. Here's my thing about robots, and let's see if you agree. Okay. Everyone's like, oh, no, we can't create robots because they're going to take over the world. Don't give them thumbs. Case closed.

We're going to call our granddaughter and see what she says. Oh, okay, yeah, call her up. You've actually asked this to our granddaughter because you know her well. I've talked about this with your granddaughter already. And we were furious. All right, let's give her a call. Here we go, dialing the number that you guys gave me. Hello.

Hello. Why did I say hello first? I don't. Mom. Hi, this is Scott Ackerman of Comedy Bang Bang. Who? It's okay, honey. It's Pop Pop.

Hi, Papa. You can talk to this man, but don't let him talk to you for too long. Okay. I'm playing. I love you. I know you're playing really good. I love you, too. Thanks.

What are you playing? Do you mind me asking? Is that okay to ask? Easy. I'm separating my Halloween candy into piles. This is really late to do that, I got to say. It's wet day already. Thank you.

Don't criticize my granddaughter. We let her eat all the old candy that she wants. Okay. So what are the categories you're separating? All candy is Halloween candy because candy is sold year round. I put them into piles of all their different. flavor. Oh,

oh, look at that. Wow. You're so smart. Wow. Rees, peanut butter cups, Reese's pieces. Do you have piles of... Now and later.

I'm not done. She's not done. Okay. Don't interrupt my granddaughter. Or? I'm going to give you a trophy. Oh, okay. Stop there.

Stop there. I'm good at that. Now and later's. Watch McCollets. Peppermint Kids. Peppermint Kids. Is that the... What's that?

Which one was that? Come from peppermint kids? What do you mean peppermint kids? What's that sweet? Is somebody messing with you? What's peppermint kids? That's when you mush together peppermint paddy and sourpats kids.

Okay. That's not one of our code words. So everything's fine. Everything's fine. Wait, you have code words and what happens if the granddaughter says one of the code words? You get a trophy and then you're presented with a Pennsylvania patio set. Do you guys have go-back? Or like, I would imagine your granddaughter's go bag is just filled with Halloween candy?

Is that... Don't imagine things about my granddaughter. It's got a lot of candy and a lot of gravy. Stacks of five pennies. Apples. Stacks of five pennies. Floss and... Um, um, watermelon suckers.

Okay. Okay, are you done? Honey? Okay. Okay. See, she has floss. That's a good girl. Good girl.

Okay, say goodbye. No. We haven't passed her about... So, see, you knew her. Creating thumbs on robots yet. Sounds familiar. What do you think about creating thumbs on robots? Hey.

Oh, she's still there. Scott, are we going to... Are we meeting up again today? You better stay away from my granddaughter. Don't you dare. Who are you? They say I know you really well. Who is this?

You know my name. Who? Don't tell him, honey. Don't say it. What is your name? We work together all the time. We do? All right.

Yeah. Remember? You don't recognize this name. Where have I seen you? You see this person every day. Every single day. Cool up? You better stay away.

Don't you dare. Is it cool up your granddaughter? Be careful. You're on thin ice. We're going to drive side by side over to your house and then put you in a New York grill. Grill. This is the cookware.

That's right. Cookware portion. It's the kind that was advertised on podcast there for a while. Hey, honey, what do you think about the thumbs on robots? Are you still there? I'm here. I was playing a new game. Oh, what's the game, honey?

I was counting letters. How many are there? 26, right? Yeah, but not. You can count. I figured out you can count different letters multiple times. times. So like,

counting is good. That's amazing. So like B, for instance, you could count it how many times? I've counted B a hundred times, 114 times so far. Wow. That's a lot of times to count a B.

I'm coming over. Don't condescend to my grand door. I'm coming over, Scott. I want to play against your house again. I don't think you should come over. Honey, listen to Pop Pop. Don't come over here just yet, okay?

because Scott might not be here by the time you get here, all right? I might have a trophy by the time you're here. Might be wearing something. B-1. Okay, say goodbye, honey. Say goodbye. U.

F. You're just going to have to hang up. Okay, bye. Bye. So, what have you learned? I'm not placing the voice. I have to say, I mean, someone I see every single day.

Every single day. The majority of the day. I think it's just cool up. You spend nine hours or more with this person every single day. It's definitely got to be cool up, but she doesn't have any Halloween candy, and she doesn't talk like a little baby. I don't think. And I don't think either of you are a grandfather.

Don't insult my granddaughter. If you say we are lying about having a granddaughter, we will come over there. Very weird you would say that. Anytime someone says, Who would lie about having a granddaughter? You better watch your step. Be careful. Be careful.

If you think we are just boardwalk performers that are lying about our granddaughters. Just to get on this show? And don't even have a Dairy Queen franchise. Look, I would have had you guys on just as the boardwalk performers. That's, I mean, maybe even more interesting than having granddaughters. We said to your producer that we were a huge fan of Wet Day. and we washed off all our silver and we got sopping wet and we came down here.

We came right down here. Okay, but why the, I'm assuming you guys are lying. Is that, if you say we're lying about having a granddaughter, then you might be a redneck. Okay, I might be. All right, look, we have to take a break.

When we come back, We're going to have the financial advisor. And Mike and I, or Mike and Spike, I can't even remember you guys' name. I can Spike and Spike. Our brother is Mike. Our brother is Mike Airman Trout. Oh, from Better Calls All? That's right.

Finley fictionalized. Oh, okay. I understand this whole thing now. Now we've done. Did it really take you that long? No. All right. We're going to take a break.

When we come back, we'll have more from these guys. Mike and Spike, no, Spike and Ike, and we'll have a financial advisor. You guys are having financial problems, I would imagine, you're just street performers. That was a lie. That was a lie, too. Our only financial problem is

we're not getting enough paper money in the hat. So what was the law? And we're being sued by Foxworthy. Saying that right then? We say it often. We tour with it. Oh, no, okay.

You should not be doing that. Well, when we come back... Our act is called the two Jeff Foxwaters. Okay, yeah, you are in trouble. He'll win that lawsuit. All right, we're going to be right back with the financial advisor. More from Mike and Spike or Spike and Ike. We'll be right back with more comedy back.

We're going to have this. Wet Day. Comedy Bang, bang, bang, we have... We're here with Spike and Mike. It's Spike and Mike. It's Spike and Ike and I. It's Spike and Ike. Spike and Ike.

Mink Salmon. Mink salmon. Our brother is Mike Airman Trout. And he had to... Wait, but his name is Mike Herman Trout? Finley fictionalized. Who? You?

Yes. Okay. Our brother Mike plays himself on television. He don't think so. He does. But then you guys are the fictionalized ones. I understand. That's right.

We're not real. Oh, okay. You're a... imagining us. All right. Sure. I mean, it's wet day. Anything could happen when you get this wet.

Happy wet day. Thank you so much, guys, if you are really here. But I know someone who is here, and we need to welcome him. He has been on the show several times. He's a financial advisor. Please welcome back Doug Groh. Hi, Scott. It's great to be here.

It's wonderful to be back. What an energy in the sky. The sun is beating down. It's throwing energy through my body. I feel like we're coming out of the pandemic. It's wet day for God damn sake. It's wet day. Happy wet day to you and many hamburgers to you as well.

Happy wet day to you. Yes. I love it. I love the whole idea of it. I heard you talking earlier about songs. You were just talking about wet day. I heard you talking about wet day. It brought me energy.

It brought me goodness. And it goddamn filled up my mind with happiness. And I'll tell you, I thought of that song. What's that song called? Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. I thought of this song. And I was like, well,

Think of what a cake is. A cake is a dry piece of wheat meat. And it's covered, it's covered in a what? A cake topper? Typically, yeah, a cake topper. Like a bride and groom? Well, it could be that. And what's underneath that?

What is the slice in between? Did you bring this super loud plane right? Well, if you look at it, that's my plane. And I've got a little, that's got my website, my website. Just in case people are listening, that's my website. What is your website? You, Grop me, but don't sweep me under the dug.com.

Don't sweet me under the dug? Shouldn't that be? Grop me, but don't sweep me under the dug.com. Shouldn't that be sweetme under the rug.com? Well, it should have been that wasn't available. Someone took. So I took Sweet Me Under the Doug and it, sometimes things work out.

And when you have a positive attitude in life, things are going to work out sometime. How are you coming under the pandemic? I'm great. I'm great. It's good to see you again, by the way. You've been on the show several times. Doug is a financial advisor, and I can't remember anything you've ever talked about.

No, and that's the beauty of it, because everything we talk about in the past lives in the past, and I live in the future, and I live in the now. But now is the future. We live in the past and we live in the future, hopefully. In my mind, we never live in the now. We only live in the future. Our hopes only live in the future. Think about what a hope is.

What is a hope? I mean, it's something that you wish for or something you try to achieve in your life. That's right. Scott, God damn. Every time I think I'm losing hope and humanity, somebody like you comes along and you push me into this world where I have this newfound. Have things been bad? You've been losing hope for? We have.

It has been problematic over the last time. I don't want to give a specific. Is it a last time? The last time. Do you want me to say 20, 30 years? It's been bad for a while. Okay. What's been going on?

Well, as you know, before the pandemic. Did you lose your granddaughter? I think I, to be honest, I have several granddaughters who... Lucky. Has anyone ever challenged that they're real? No, I am very, I have a sort of a different attitude about my granddaughters where I like to welcome them into the world and let them go out and meet whoever they want. Different from what? Well, different from what you got.

It appears to me, and this is good because, you know, we all have different angles on like... You let your granddaughters lose. Yeah. And by losing their way. Right? Because don't you win when you lose? No, he's not loose. But you let them lose. I let them lose.

You let them lose what? If I had a granddaughter, I would let her win every time. Every time. Well, and I respect that. I respect everybody's opinion. Listen. Are you saying you're an absentee grandfather? I didn't even think you were that old of a gentleman.

I think you might be a redneck. Okay, guys. You can't say that on my show either. Sorry. If you let your grandmother. lose. I am absolutely. What kind of venues are you guys playing?

Boardwalks. Just boardwalks? That's it. Outdoor. Seasawks. I've seen you guys. What about Park Place? Yeah.

So Doug, Doug, what's, what's, what? Hi, Scott. You're here to talk about some, uh, some of your, your ways to get financial independence. Is that what your thing is? Here's the thing. I know we all went through the pandemic. We all got these. checks.

Not my granddaughter. Your granddaughter didn't go through the pandemic? We wouldn't let her lock down. That's part of going through the pandemic. We wouldn't let her lock down. Oh, you wouldn't let her lock down. Oh, no, no. You're not locking down, our granddaugh.

You let her lose. You let her lose. We let her loose. But only because people wanted to lock her down. So anything anyone wants to do for your granddaughter, even if it's helpful, you want to do the opposite. We want the opposite. I love that.

I love that. God damn it, I love that. I think that's wonderful. You let her loose. You let her out there. You let her enjoy the world. You let her find her own pitfalls. That's wonderful. Can I ask you? How much did you receive in stimulus? Yeah. We'll go around and we'll all talk about it. I think we all got the same thing, didn't we? I got none. None. That's the lowest you can get. That's the lowest you can get. You didn't qualify for the stimulus. I did not qualify for legal reasons. and you didn't meet the one criteria, which was to be a citizen of the United States. Oh, you're not a citizen? Well, technically I'm not.

I never signed up. Oh, wait, where were you born? Did you take the test? I was born. I was born in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, but not under the United States. Oh, you were, like, was there a little corner or something that was like sovereign land?

No, my parents, we, we, we, they came from Portugal. Okay. And they quickly came over here. And as we landed, this is going to sound like a joke. But as we landed, I came out of my mother as somebody was asking, are you a U.S. citizen? And as I came out of her, you know, vagina. Yeah. Fragina.

I came out. You're posing right now like you were doing like a Burt Reynolds naked and cosmet. Well, it's funny you say that. It's funny you say that because. You came out with a big mustache. You're covered in hair. I was born. You're born with Bert Reynolds style hair?

It's reverse. Alopecia? It's reverse alopecia. We can't joke about it. Be careful. And I would never. I would never. I would never.

But it's reverse where you have a, that sounds like regular. It's. You have a lot and then you have none. No. It's for a baby, it only. last while you're a baby. Oh, I see. So you have a lot when you have baby hair.

When you lose your, then you have none. You have none when an adult has some. You lose your baby teeth, your baby hair. Then you get it back when old people lose their hair. Yeah, exactly. So you're in the middle right now of a hair sandwich.

Sort of. Yeah. Yeah. Yum, yum. Give me that right now. I knew we shouldn't have taped this right at dinner time. You just mentioned Hair Sandwich and all of our guests

Start rubbing their bellies. Stop teasing me. I want that hair sandwich. You cannot say it one more time. So whether way, I was not a U.S. citizen and I So you came out posing like Bert Reynolds. Why does that make you not a U.S. citizen?

It sounds like you were born. Do the math. Yeah, you came out in U.S. soil. I feel like there's some steps missing. No, because I never touched the vagina. On U.S. soil. You never touched the ground. I didn't touch the soil.

I didn't touch the soil. soil, and that's a soil. Wait, I wonder, okay, you've been on stilts this whole time. Are you not touching?

No, they are left. You've never been on U.S. soil. I've never touched U.S. soil. I've never touched U.S. soils have you touched. I've never touched soil. Intentional.

Wow. Because if you were just to put your foot down on U.S. soil, you would finally be a U.S. citizen. That's right. You would have gotten the stimulus check. That's right. And that is one benefit that I would have had.

Right, but what are the, do you pay taxes? Well, I, get to. Oh, I guess you don't have to. Do you pay taxes? I don't pay one penny of tax. Give me, Dem, stilts. I'm sorry, but are you, can it be reversed? I don't pay taxes. And so, therefore, I can conduct business all throughout the United States. I never touch U.S. soil, and I never have to pay an ounce of business tax. If your hands touch soil, does that count? It does not because I've never touch it. It's got to be the feet? It has to be the feet. Well, well, you have to be.

So you garden on stilts. Touching U.S. soil. You definitely, if you garden on stilts, you might be a redneck. Okay, guys, you can't. I did fall. I remember once I took a... There's another banner. What does it say?

Oh, look at that. That is my phone number. That's my phone number. Oh, yeah, read it out. You seem surprised. 1-800. 5-5-5. 22996, 39472.

Too many numbers. And that's how people can get a hold of you? It's an extension. Oh, I see. Yeah, there's another one that should come through with a coupon code. Those planes, by the way, we're flying side by side with a big banner that had like a perforation. A lot like their bumper sticker. Those must be brothers.

Brothers who fly planes? Wow. They might be redneck. Okay. You must be a redneck. Is that a lot? an order that fuck's how we'll get around he can't sue us if we say

must okay Doug what do you got Doug so the first first rule is not touch US soil if you have touch US oil are there other money saving tactics well I'll tell you this

here's why I'm here and I'm gonna bring it down I need to bring it down for a second okay what do you got done it's been hard coming out of the pandemic we have these stimulus checks, right? We're all wondering except for myself. We're wondering how to spend them and I'm I don't think that's been the problem. We've had them in our bank accounts.

We've had so much money. We just don't even know how to spend. I've come up with a multi-layer system on how to spend your stimulus check. Oh. That multi-layered like a casserolea. Several step program. Okay. Seven layer

steps. It's seven-layer multi-step seven. Seven simple layers for steps to avoiding taxes. Well, sort of, sort of. What are these layers? Okay, first of all, the first layer is financial fasting. Now, a lot of, a lot of you guys are probably like, well, I get confused. How am I going to spend this? How much did you get again? Was it 20? I think it was 500 bucks, wasn't, or something like that? $500. I don't know. Well, it wasn't, for a lot of people, it was in the thousand. It was, oh, okay.

Maybe a couple of them. I can't remember. The first time it was $1,600. Oh, okay. Then they said they were going to give $2,000, but instead they just gave $400 more. They said, C, $2,000. Yeah, great stuff. So here we are.

Everybody stuck with this $2,000, and what are you going to do? How do you get rid of it? I think it. I've been paying my bills, no problem, just wondering what to do with that $2,000 for two years? Perfect. Right. So it's sitting there, and what I can only have. assume is some sort of high interest-bearing savings account.

Right. Yes. Yeah. An IRA. Is that something? Well, we put it in a SEP IRA. You put it in your business, your business account? Retirement.

Immediately to retirement, which I can't spend now because I'm over the retirement age. And every penny we make goes to our granddaughters who do not exist. But if they do, then they must be a redneck. Well, that's fantastic. That's also a good workaround. I like it. That absolutely. You shall be a redneck.

You will be a redneck. Thou shall be a redneck. Thou shall be a redneck. This is, that's enough of a change where I think you can get away. The ten redneck commandments. Thou shall be a redneck. Do not covet thou redneck. Do not covet your neighbor's car up on blocks.

Do not murder someone for stealing your barbecue sauce. some of the oven. We don't have enough time, obviously. You must buy your wife as much jewelry as you buy your horse. And you're going to get in trouble for that by someone else, I think. You don't want him to show up, by the way. Who? This guy, Dalton Wilcox.

Anyway, so, financial fasting. Yeah. Thanks for bringing it back. Thanks for bringing it back. Thanks for bringing it back because that's what we're all, we are all working as a team. In what way? In what capacity? How is that possible?

Because all this money has... The whole point of this money was to be shot back into the economy to give us a stimulus, correct? But no one spent it because it's too much. Nobody's spending it. Because they couldn't decide how to spend it. They can't decide how to spend it. They can't decide how to spend it. They can't decide how to spend it or what to spend it on.

So what's your solution? The solution is to sign up. I mean, I'm not going to give you the full solution right here, but you can go to my website. Why not? We need it now. Give us the final solution. The final solution. Does it involve Magneto?

No. You know what? I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. You're just going to bring up this problem and then you're going to say, absolutely. This is bad podcasting.

No Magneto. No I can spike. Listen, I'm a business man. I'm a businessman. Scott. I'm looking to make money. Normally when you go on one of these shows, it's like you don't see a chef go on a show and be like, okay, well, you know, today I'm going to make, you know, rabbit stew.

I think they would absolutely do that. And then they go, like, but I'm not going to tell you how. I've seen that exact thing happen. Several times I've seen people go on shows and talk about their rabbit stew. I don't know why rabbit stew. If you eat rabbit stew, you must out be a redneck. If you walked by, say you walked by a, um, should I buy rabbit stew with my stimulus check?

I'm like, I have, we shouldn't, we shouldn't tape this at dinner. What if you walked? What if you walked by Daryl's ice cream? What if you walked by Daryl's Ice Cream? I'm a Dary Queen guy for the break of you. Oh, I love it too. Go to Daryl's. But I'm thinking of something small town.

Okay. A small town business. Daryl's ice cream. Okay. And if you walked by, would they just give you the ice cream on the outside? Would they throw out little pieces of the ice cream? I would expect to have to go inside to do it, but yeah, they might give it to me. And then you would have to have to have.

to buy it, right? Hmm. I mean, tell me I'm wrong. But, but, but here's where the metaphor is sort of different. If you were to appear on a podcast and say, I'm an ice cream maker, I would expect you to bring ice cream. Yeah, and I have, I have brought. What is, you brought ice cream?

I have brought ice cream for you guys. I brought Daryl's ice cream for you. And I'm going to hand it out right now. You guys can each taste some of this. Oh, my, not as good as a hair sandwich, but I'll take it. A little gravy on it. Okay, I wish I'd eaten some rabbit stew first. Now, where do you spend your money?

Come on. You're not going to tell us, so why even bring this up? I have a question. We have a friend named Hector Salamanka, and he has an online shopping addiction. What would you say to him? I'm going to tell him right now to lean into it. To spend more.

Spend everything. Spend even more. Spend what you don't have. File bankruptcy. I think that's, get a clean slate. Absolutely. That's going to make him say ding, ding, ding. Very quickly, I'll give you a taste of what my program is about. Very quickly.

And you can slow it. Feel free to slow it down. I'm going to slow it down because I feel like I'm moving too fast. If you say it that quickly, then suddenly there's no reason to have you on the show anyway. Guys, remember this. These are just some ideas. Old money is new money. Go out and find things.

that you've spent money on and get it back immediately. Number four, go get a- Get refunds. Get a- demand refunds. Do that one again. Demand refunds on everything you've spent on. Oh, okay.

Whether you've bought something, whether you've paid off that. No, you take it back and you demand it back. You just demand a refund for every single thing you bought. If I've had the thing for years. You demand it, the money back. Here's something, though. Like, if it even worked 10% of the time,

it's like you're getting a 10% raise. And I can tell you right now it's going to work 100% of the time. It's like, use my program. If you go up to somebody and say, I'll murder you if you touch my granddaughter, nine times out of ten, they're going to slap you in the face. But that 10th time, they'll be scared. You put them in at Texas, justada. Guys, we moved on to food.

Now I'm hungry again. Texas toastada. Give me more of that ice cream. Go out and get a massage. Treat yourself to something. But instead of getting a happy ending, get a confusing ending. Don't get happy ending.

What does that? A confusing ending is where you look the person in the eye as they're doing it and you offer them a dinner. You take them out to dinner and you spend the night with them. You spend the night and you talk about exactly what happened. It sounds more like your catchphrase is yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Then thou must be a red neck. Shout me.

Shout me, sorry. Guys, I'm telling you right now, hi. You are almost toppling on those stilts. You are almost falling. Be careful. You're going to touch soil. You're not going to believe I've never fallen. I've never fallen.

I've come very close. You learned to walk on those things. I've come, yeah, I learned to walk on stilts. So your parents didn't want you to be a U.S. citizen? No, they were completely against. So you came out hairy as hell on stil. My hair, just a mustache and just a beautiful head of hair and chest hair. And chest hair.

And chest hair. What shall he be then if he has all that? If you came out of the womb with just a little. Just a mush stash, chest hair and beautiful egg hair. Thou shout be a redneck. I love that. Do you say thou shout? Shout.

S-H-O-U-T. Let it all out. So that's just a taste. That's just a taste. And go to my website. Go to my website. Pay for it and then demand a refund. Always demand a refund.

Although I'm working on that. That could change. But use my coupon code. what do we have? To add on 10% to add on 10% if you want to add on 10% to the cost What's the code?

No Add on 10% I want that code Give us the code Do you want to try this? Give us that code Do you want to try this If you want to try this

Let me know brother All one word If you want to try this If you want to try this Let me know brother All one word With a question mark or no. No question.

Mark. Is all one word part of the all one word? Yes. Yes. That is in it. Okay. So you write out all one word. Do you want this? And is it all one word? But one is a digit. Oh, okay. So do you want this? If you want this, if you want to try this, let me know, brother, all one word. Again, that broke me, but don't sweep me under the dust. The dug. Dot. Dot biz. I'm sorry. Dot biz. Okay. It was wrong on the plane.

What was that? It was wrong on the plane. It was cheaper. I got a deal. Dot com is cheaper than dot biz. They did charge me more. If you try to save money on a website by getting it spelled incorrectly, thou shalt be a redneck.

I can only imagine they don't have a lot of call for those zes. So if you say dot biz, they're like, yeah. No, the guy. We got plenty of you zes around here. Yeah, it was Carson. Carson over at Plain Signs, he helped me out and he said we can... Carson the last name or the first name? No, I believe it was both. Carson Carson.

I believe. So is he the son of Carson Daily or Johnny Carson? Both. I believe he was... Wow. I believe he's somewhere in between. He's somewhere in between. I don't know about him, but I do have a suspicion that he shall be a redneck.

Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yum, yum, yum. Okay, guys, well, that's great, Doug. I'm glad you've... I mean, you haven't landed on your feet, but you've landed on your stilts. I haven't. Through the pandemic, and you are coming very, very close.

As a matter of fact, I feel like you've swiped to the ground with your toe a couple of times. I feel like I see a little bit of... I don't want to rat you out necessarily. Is that a grass stain on your knee? Because that looks like American. I did. If I'm honest, I fell in your front job. How much do you owe in back taxes? It's so much. It's so much.

That's where they get you. When you become an American citizen, you have to pay back taxes for as long as you've been alive. I could be in trouble. That's in the fine print. Yep. It's over. That's why people shouldn't come to this country. We want them all to stay where they're at. I think people come for the little flags. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. Oh, I'm sorry. I just lost a little my baby here.

Did you see that fall out? Oh, wow. So you're, wait. So now you're doing the reverse part of the? No hair gets by him. You ate it right up. Just coming out. Are you going to eat all of that?

It's like ringing the dinner bell. Help yourself. Help yourself, please. Thank you. Well, guys, wet day's coming to a close. I'm so sorry to say. We only have time for one final feature on the show. and that, of course, is a little something called plugs.

I open my plug bags at night, so I keep track of the shows that cast the time. See my TV. Ooh, very nice. That was Charles Whitborn with I Open my Blug bags at night. I don't know why it says Blug bags. All right. Anyway, guys, what do we want to plug here? Obviously, Spike and Ike, you guys want to.

Granddaughters. You want to plug your non-existent granddaughters. Please. Please. Believe in our granddaughters and don't go near them. Is this like a Peter Pan situation? If we applaud enough, your granddaughters will actually come to life or? Yes.

All right, everyone out there if you're listening. Give us a round of a applause. It's got to be more than that. No granddaughter has appeared yet. All right. Well, they're going to continue applauding hopefully. Anything else you want to plug, though? I'm too tired.

We're too tired. I mean, you can, of course. Too hungry, too tired. We're old hungry men. Yes, we're grandparents. Grand family. What about your brother's show? It's coming out this week, isn't it?

That's right. If you want to see our brother, Mike Herman Trout. He's playing himself. On Better Call Saul. Watch that. But you're not playing yourselves right now. No. We're fictionalized.

You're fictionalized. Okay. If your brother plays himself on TV, but you're fictional. thou shalt be a redneck. Wonderful. And where can we see this show, by the way? American movie classics. That's right.

Oh, I guess I mean your show of Thou shalt be a redneck. The boardwalk. Are you guys under it or are you? On top. On top of the boardwalk. All right. Congratulations. On the boardwalk.

On top of the boardwalk. And Doug Ropes, what do you want to plug? Yeah. Yeah. Well, of course. It's obviously the day after one. Wet day. Grow me,

but don't sweet me under the Doug. Dot com or dot biz. Well, it's, calm would be wrong, though, you said.

It could be. That won't lead you to where they need to be. Right, but they might get, it's an old website, they'll be redirected. Maybe they'll refer to you,

they'll say, hey, you're at the wrong place. And the coupon code, do you want the, try the, let me know all one word. All one word. And also just,

um, I'd like to, I would love to, have people go out and watch episodes 9 and 10 of season one of Maud. Maud's dilemma where she is faced with getting an abortion. Okay.

Why? So that just to try to, because sometimes like getting people out there to think about things, what's going on in the community. Are these issues important to you or? Are you true? Wait, do you do you impregnate your girlfriend recently?

No, I'm just where. You want her to watch this? You fuck on those stilts. If you're trying not to have a granddaer, this is the way to go about it. Do you fuck on stilts? Of course I do. Everything is on stilts. Do they need to be wearing stilts?

Well, I do have a... I can't imagine the physics would work. I don't want to get... No, no. I see you guys putting on stilts just because I mentioned it. It's personal, but I put my penis on stilts. I put my penis on stilts. So my penis is on stilts, my hands are on stilts, and my feet are on stilts during

love making. And I don't know, but Mod, episodes 9 and 10. It's Mod's Dilemma. You'll love it. Okay, wonderful. I want to plug, head over to CBBWorld.com to get the full archives of this show, as well as ad-free episodes, as well as ad-free and archives of Freedom. And

you have the Andy Daily podcast project. You have CBB Presents, and you have Scott hasn't seen. We just watched Super Mario Bros. With the get-played crew. Very interesting episode. And we're watching... So you're going for themes rather than going for good movies. I guess so.

No, well, this on Good Friday, which as we all know happens right after Wed Day. That's right. We're watching The Passion of the Christ this week, so we'll... Oh, wow. So listen to that episode. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Take one hand, put it up. Take the other put it.

You're gonna make a box. It's time to start to close it. But don't close it too much. You open up the plug and up your heart for the rest of the world. I'm talking open up the plug back. Oh, okay. That was, and I'm going to try to get this right, that was Hargla Barg with plug grass. Hoglarbar.

Harglarg. Guys, I want to thank you so much. I want to thank the dearly departed Paul L. Tompkins. He's not dead. He just left. And I want to look, Doug Ropes. You got it. Yeah, I do.

I don't know what, though. I can't wait to be back. Yeah. I mean, you end up coming back every couple of years. No, and when I do come back, I want everybody to have watched the mod so we can discuss what went down and see how it kind of relates to everything we do in our life financially and not. Definitely, definitely. And Spike and Ike, thank you for having us. Grand daughters.

Thank you for having us. You said granddaughter, you didn't even bother with any of your cash phrases. No. Like, yum, yum, yum, or past that hair? No, I don't keep catchphrases from one segment to the other. Really, you let them all go. No ones each segment. Okay, what's this segment?

Thank you for having us. Oh, that's your catchphrase. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye.