Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Paul Rust, Gillian Jacobs, Paul F. Tompkins Return (Old No-No's)

Episode Date: December 5, 2024

This is episode 5 of our "Old No-Nos" series, originally episode #474 titled "Liquid Meal Spheres." "Love"-ers Gillian Jacobs and Paul Rust join Scott to talk about grilling auditionees for their show and why fire hydrants belong in the New No-Nos. Plus, children’s entertainer Big Chunky Bubbles returns to discuss his favorite chowders and the proper methods of meat sculpting. Finally, the gang plays the Comedy Bang Bang Dating Game to see which of the lucky men makes the perfect husband for Gillian.Vote for your Top 10 favorite episodes of 2024 over at CBBWorld.com/vote. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Hey everybody, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome to another Bonus Bang, where we re-release old episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from behind the paywall. Now we are in the middle and coming up towards the end of our Old Nonos series. This is our fifth and penultimate, meaning last before the ultimate, the last one, series of Old Nonos. Did I say Old no-nos already? I'm sure I might've. This week is episode number 474 titled Liquid Mealspheres.

Now the old no-no series is where we are listening to Paul Rust's segment New No-Nos. These are episodes that feature that segment. This episode was originally released on March 6th, 2017. We have Paul Rust and Gillian Jacobs, they're back. They co-starred on a show called Love that Paul Rust created for Netflix. And you know who else is back?

Paul F. Tompkins as Big Chunky Bubbles. And you might've been able to guess that from the title. Of course, there are new no-nos. There's a lot of conversation about chowders and the Comedy Bang Bang dating game to see if Gillian can find the perfect husband. Now, if you're enjoying this series, you want access to the entire CBB archive,

you can become a subscriber at cbbworld.com. There you will find every single episode we've ever recorded, as well as every single live episode. We're gonna be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang! Comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang. High thread count, low mortality rate, low thread count, high how are you going mate? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thanks to John Wilkes Soundbooth for that incredible catchphrase submission and welcome to the show for another episode. And I have to say at this point, we truly are at the beginning of March. We truly, truly are. There is no disputing that fact. Are we on the Ides of March? Certainly not.

I mean, I've heard of the eyes of a cat, but the Ides of March? Certainly not. I mean, I've heard of the eyes of a cat, but the Ides of March? No! This is totally different. So here we are at the beginning of March, March 6th, and third month, certainly of the year. I think part of the issue is I have my glasses on and I'm not used to having them on Okay, there we go. See now I feel like myself. This is more me, right? Meanwhile, one of our guests is putting on his go. Oh, wow two glasses three glasses. Oh, okay I'm sorry. This is the worst way to start a show Anyway, hello. Welcome to the show. This is your first one. I'm so sorry. I understand you're turning it off right now

I'm Scott Ackerman, I'm your host, and it is the beginning of March, and March Madness, that's a thing. And speaking of madness, it's truly insane, the people that we have on the show with us. You've heard of their wonderful Netflix show, Love, You've heard of their wonderful Netflix show, Love, which comes out second season, comes out in a few days, comes out Friday actually, March 10th. March 10th, second season, season two, I'm assuming that we're going to have a good 10

episodes to sift through. 12 this time? Really? Okay. So and we're there 10 last time. So 22 episodes, essentially a normal season of TV on a network and they're also known as the Privacy Chefs. Please welcome back to the show, Friends of the Show,

been on several episodes, Gillian Jacobs, Paul Rust. Hello, welcome guys. Hi, Scott. Hello, hello, hello. It's good to be here. Thank you for inviting us on your show. Were you doing Snoop Dogg impression? No, I thought I was doing Valerie Cherish

from the comeback. Hello, hello, hello. Oh, okay, interesting. Gillian, a lot of times get stopped, either are you Valerie Cherish? Valerie Cherish. Or are you Snoop Dogg? That would be an interesting game to play, Valerie Cherish or Sno are you Stoop Dog?

That would be an interesting game to play. Valerie Cherish or Snoop Dog. Right. Okay, let's play a little bit of it here, okay? I have some quotes here, famous quotes, and you're going to tell me, Valerie Cherish or Snoop Dog. It ain't no fun if the homies can't get none or have- Valerie.

Definitely, Valerie Cherish. Hello, hello, hello. Paul? Gonna go with just using the last minute, two minutes. I'm gonna say Snoop Dogg. Trick question, it's both. They've each said hello to each other. Three times. Three times, yes.

Not three times in a row, but they've seen each other three separate times. They've said hello. They said hello once, and then they've combined them in their minds. Scott, also, you were talking about March earlier. Sure, yeah, I had a big run on March. Love that March chunk, man.

The thing I'm worried about right now is all those lions out and about. Yeah, well, because it came in like one. Yeah. But, oh, I'm looking forward to them lambs. Ooh, get those lambs in here. Lions, get out. Lambs, come on in. Um, guys, you are the stars. You're the titular.

S-T-A-R-Z. Yes, that's right. This is on stars, right? So check it out. You guys are the titular love of the show. Correct. Correct. You guys... Gus and Mickey Love. You guys are in love on the show.

Mm-hmm. In a relationship based on love. Mm-hmm. Fueled by love. What if it wasn't us two, though? What if love was actually about the love between an apple and an apple corer? Sure. What if it were about agape love?

Does an apple love an apple corer? I mean, it's really sort of like... It's phallic. ...being violated by. That's true, I guess. Someone's sticking something into the. But it's taking the middle of you out. Mm-hmm.

Hey, if you do it right, that's the way to do it. Speaking of which. A baby, you take it out of the middle. Yes. Speaking of which, Gilly, you are returning to the show after a year, actually 13 month absence on the show. You were last here, I believe February 14th-ish.

Pre-Lion. By the way, speaking of which, did you see that movie Lion? No, I didn't. They should follow it up with a movie Lamb, shouldn't they? I mean, if Mr. Hollywood's listening. Ms. Hollywood, thank you so much. Come on, sexist much, Paul?

God, Gillian, I'm so, so sorry. Ms. Hollywood, Ms. Hollywood. Gillian, you haven't been back to the show in a good 13 months at this point, and a lot's been going on. Yes, it's been a rough. It's been a rough time of it. We certainly don't have to bring it up, but you're in-

I feel like you just did. I did, so hey, why pussyfoot around it right now? You're in mourning. I'm in double mourning. Mm-hmm, a dual mourning. A lot of people don't get to be in mourning once. Yeah. You know, they die before all of their loved ones.

You can do it if you fly New York to LA. Very good. Early morning flight. What? Is this what it's like working on Love Together? Yes. Yes. I know it was a little like what it was like working on Bang Bang with you.

Except we would applaud and thank you every time you made a joke like that. When I took something out of the garbage and ate it for the amusement of a room. Did you do that? I don't believe I was there that day. Yeah, I took food out of the garbage and ate it. What was it? Trying to crack up people. Something slight, I think fruitish.

Like it wasn't like a cord apple. No. And too fruitish. Speaking of the odds of March. She's gonna, yeah, no, I remember, yes, I make a lot of jokes like that and Gillian will go, which is the response you really want, right? But then I think what time you said to me,

early on, this is very early on. Early on in the process. Early on in the process. She said, when you say those things, do you think you're being funny? Ha ha ha! I was like, is that rhetorical? Honest question that I don't remember asking. How are you funny, Gillian? Like, what's your sense of humor like?

How am I funny? Yeah. If you had to describe your sense of humor to someone. Vicious. Really? Yeah. I'm a real roastmaster general. You're like roastmaster admiral. Let's hear one of your zing. You're sardonically irreverent.

Dibbick shmibbick, I want more ham. If you had to roast Paul here. Uh-oh. I'd stick a spit through him and put him over a fire. Now we got her doing it. Yeah. You'd core her doing it. Yeah. You'd core the middle out of him. I was thinking about this today.

Not for the first time, but it did pop in my head. Popped in your head, yes. Is a roast a twist on the toast? That's interesting. I think it might actually be. I think like, oh yeah, let's do a toast to this person. Instead, let's do a roast. Yeah.

But then roast has kind of come to mean, you know, like what it is, like actually roasting someone with jokes. How did they get to roast? You know, did they, you know what I mean? Like what I just did is like, instead let's do a roast. Like a roast is already a thing. Right.

Right. The first guy who said that, they're like, what? Because they rhyme? I think you're probably right that it's burning him, right? Except burning wasn't necessarily a slang term for insulting someone until recently, right? That's true. And you wouldn't necessarily want to burn a roast.

Yeah, that's true. Maybe you want to get a nice burn on the outside, but let it remain tender on the inside. You know what? I'd like to see a nice burn on the outside, but let it remain tender on the inside. You know what? I'd like to see a Comedy Central toast. Yes, where it's just like nice genuine statements about how great someone is. About how great Donald Trump and William Shatner are. And Rob Lowe. How do you guys like to eat your steak?

Medium rare. I'll say it like how Gandhi says it in Gandhi II, the spoof in UHF. Right. I'll have a steak. Medium rare. Oh god. Both Nick Weiger and I have admitted that the first time we ordered steak medium rare, we did it because Gandhi did in Gandhi II. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you, you... What is UHF? Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you, you... What is UHF? Oh my god. Al, get in here. Get in here, Al. You don't know what UHF is. No.

You have a wonderful night ahead of you. Download it, stream it, Blu-ray, whatever you need to do. Watch this film. Just get it in your eyeballs. You're gonna hear how Gandhi orders a steak. Is this like Kentucky Fried movie? That's something men also talk about. Wait, you think that women don't like UHF?

I've never heard a group of women discuss it. That is very reductive, I have to say. There are women all over who love the movie UHF. I'm sure there are. Just not women the way you like to see women? Like pretty ladies who all hang out together talking about clothes? That's what you consider to be what females do?

Yes. Okay, good. Me too. Tell me what's in store for us in season two of Love. Okay, I'll take this question. Oh boy. You're going to see a wide range of character actors from Los Angeles, California. First, they had to go to Allison Jones' office.

She put them on tape. They read scenes. They were given adjustments. They did a second take. Then they were uploaded to the website for, and they're called Selects, the best ones. And which take usually is better? It's usually take two unless someone really comes in with a really great take on the character. There's multiple ways to use the words take. Do they get adjustments if they come in with something really great? Yes, because sometimes people don't they they worry that the actor will feel like they're not in the running if they don't get an adjustment.

So getting adjustments is actually good. That's good. I've always said, I'm not going to do that. And I walk out. Oh, that's why you- I'm not going to listen to your Bureau of Adjustments. The only way I can get through the door is if I'm wearing a certain special hat. You guys remember that plot line in Adjustment Bureau? Yeah, you know the movie that all the men talk about,

the Adjustment Bureau. This is another one of those men movies. Men. I realize that happens. Yeah, but selects. You know the movie that all the men talk about, the Adjustment Bureau? This is another one of those men movies. Men. Yeah, the selects. Okay, so they put the selects on the website, and then Paul and everyone watches them on their laptops on set.

Oh, so you guys pick who gets the parts. That's good to know for the people who don't get it, you personally are rejecting them. Paul said no to you. And then they come to set. I always had a sort of a lot of deniability in that of like, oh no, I don't actually like cast the people. Well, what I do is if I see somebody and I don't like them,

you know, I'll, you see this on set all the time. Yes. I'll go, I'll pinch my nose, like, and then go like the stinky hand, like, ooh, they stink. Will you say like anything like P.U. or anything like that? I'll sometimes say P.U. or U.P. Yeah. Upper peninsula, that's where the Michiganders in the audience.

And sometimes I'll be holding my nose and wave my hand, but then I'll hold up a big stinky fish. Oh, really? And I'll go, I'd rather eat this. And I'll eat a stinky fish. You then eat the stinky fish. Oh, really? And I'll go, I'd rather eat this. And I'll eat a stinky fish. You then eat the stinky fish. We have to take a lot of diarrhea breaks for Paul on set, but the bit's worth it. So when you watch Love, season two, out March 10th, just imagine after every scene, after Paul's coverage, he's going and taking just massive diarrhea blasts. Yeah, sometimes in the scene. Oh, really?

Mid-scene. You can see it in my eyes because they turn brown. Mm. OK, so people are auditioning cut to? They're on set. They're on set. Yeah, and then last season they would go to Sony, where we no longer shoot.

So don't show up there returning guest stars. This is a PSA. And, you know, it's really fun because we'll do it as scripted, but then, you know, they really get the freedom to play around. How much is improvised? 4% is improvised. We have to really be very diligent about that, because Netflix only allows 4% improv.

Yeah, there are laws on Netflix about that. Otherwise, it's a totally different guild rate. Fringes, you know, up the wazoo. Impromptu code. Uh, 3, 6, yes and 5. Mmm. Moving on. Yes. So, great. So that's so people can watch actors acting in something, basically. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh

Do you want more details? Background yeah, I mean tell them about the grips they want to hear about no no no I think I know we all know how that Where are you guys on the call sheet though? Paul? Are you number one? No, you're not who is oh? Gilly you're number one big G, why are you giving me that face? She's got pull. Listening audience, I did not like that face that Scott Ackerman just pulled. I don't know, I would say the person who kind of

co-created the show who's starring in it would be number one. No, I would think it's the person who's a beloved TV actor and not a guy from, I don't know, it's sort of like. UHF? You know, when I saw... I saw Belux... UFC? I saw the play Beluxy Blues with Ted Lange, right?

And he played the drill sergeant. Drill sergeant, supporting character at best. And he took the last bow because he was on the love boat. I don't like it, I don't like it. You should really secede your number one on the call sheet status to Paul over here for season three. I will for a raise. Okay, forget it.

But you're never gonna guess who number seven is. Oh, let's hear it. We'll find out season two. Oh really, do you guys talk about it? No, we flash the call sheet at the end of each episode. Hey, I know you guys are wondering about it. Okay, so that's what we've covered it, right, love? Watch it, just watch it.

Just watch it. Oh, it's about two... No, we get it. I know what it is. No, they don't deserve to hear your pitch. We're running out of time, but anyway, you guys smooch. I had to come on and sell some bottles of Coke, man. Had to sell that Tide.

You guys smoochin' it. So anyone who has some sort of purion interest in watching you guys smooch, they should watch it. Yeah, you smooch heads. Smooch heads. Smooch patrol. Hey, what about- Ready to, get ready to rocket raw.

What does that mean, jerk off? Yeah. Oh, okay. What if your fans of the TV show love were called the smooch Patrol? That's not bad. That was good. I like that.

So like in conventions and stuff, he's like, hey, Smooch Patrol, they're coming out here. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. I like it. All right, so watch it this Friday. And we're running out of time in this segment. We just have time for, of course, our favorite feature here with Paul.

You know, anytime he's on Comedy Bang Bang, he loves to, well, look, it's safe to say there are things that, I don't know how else to say this, but they irk you. Irk? How about cheese off? Oh, okay, okay. How about rattle?

Okay, okay. How about miffed? Oh, boy. Hey, is there anything you want to say retroactively? Like start the clock. Keep that clock going. The clock is started and it shall continue. So what are we doing here?

What is this? New no-nos. Oh shit. All right, let's see if you remember how to do these. Guys, sit, sit down. You don't even get to get standing. Oh, they don't even know it at home. New no-nos are eat, everybody's got those things

that sticks in their crop. I set up rules, new rules. Wait, but they're not. I do, new rules. Wait, but they're not... I do some new rules. No, no, no, they're not new rules though. I call them new no-no's, but they are new rules. No, no, no, no. Where I...

It's my idea of, hey, if I ran the world, Scott... Yeah. And God save us if you did. Yeah, I uh. Oh boy. What a weird world that would be, right? From the twisted mind of Paul Rust comes planet Earth. I've already felt like I've been living in the twisted mind of Danny DeVito, you know, watching movies like

Throw Mama from the Train. Love it. Wait, so this is something women like? Women love Throw Mama. Don't Throw Mama. Throw Mama, is it don't throw mama or throw mama They want to throw mama from the train don't later on spoiler alert well throw or my mom will jump off the train so new no-no So this is something you're making fun of him for imitating Gandhi in UHF.

And you're imitating? I didn't make fun. Mm, debatable. Debatable. Mm, mm, mm. Debatable. All right. Back to the new no-nos.

You want to restart the clock. Restart that clock. Do. Bop. New no-no. You guys had to deal with quicksand? Everywhere I go there's a pile of quicksand. Look out, there's some quicksand.

I'm sorry, last time I checked, that sound wasn't... That sound... Sand. That sound... That sand wasn't quick. It moves very slow. You get sucked down at a slow pace. How about quicksand is fastsand so you die quicker?

No, no, no. Fastsand. Okay. No, no, no. Bricks. This is hot. People always complaining. Why's a brick got to be square? Why's it got to be a little rectangle

the shape of a rectangle? OK, closer. Well, for all of those whiners and complainers, I got an idea. Bricks that are circles. No, no, no circle bricks Just an idea Is anybody else had it up to here with fire hydrants Oh, yeah. Yeah every corner I turn every street I'm on I gotta go look at a fire hydrant and guess who only gets to use them

Firemen, right? Yeah Well, I got a little idea. I got a little notion. I got a little hair up my tiny little asshole. Tell us. I think in addition to firemen using fire hydrants, firemen's kids should. No, no, no, the kids run the hydrants now!

I like that one. No, no, no! Aerosmith! Uh, guys, did you take a spelling class recently? Doesn't seem so. A-E-R-O-S-M-I-T-H-I... Not on my watch! Whatever it has to do with planes. Hmph.

Okay. What? I think it should be spelled A-R-R-O-W-S-M-Y-T-H. No, no, no, Steven Tyler's got the blues! Okay, I'm seriously wondering if you Oh no, Steven Tyler's got the blues! Okay, I'm seriously wondering if you remember how to do. Do you have another one? Nope. Okay, all right, so do you want to stop the clock?

Stop that clock, stop the clock for new rules. No, it's new rules. Stop the clock for Bill Maher's new rules. No, it's not that at all. Okay, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. Bum-ba-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da- crying during the break. What's happening? Well, with all this talk of Bill Maher, it made me... I miss Milo!

Oh no! He'll be back! Maybe? I don't know. Or not? I don't know. Who cares? I want him on my TV bookshelf. I'm sorry. Love Netflix March 10 March 10th, Gillian backing away from the mic does not want to comment because she is in support of him, obviously, and doesn't want to make a public comment. March 10th, new episodes, 12 new episodes, and why the extra two? Because that season... Oh god. Did you just write two more or were there more story or what happened?

I think from the beginning we wanted to do a dozen. I am two. All right. Let's get to our next guest. Wouldn't it be cute if there was a show about a baker and his order was 13? What? It would be funny that would be the word. You said cute! I was on board! different. I can't tell the two apart. All right we need to get to our next guest. Shirley Temple anyone? The funniest entertainer? Funniest and cutest entertainer. Mm-hmm. We need to get to our next guest. He is a children's entertainer of note. Yeah.

And returning to the program after... Under duress. I'm sorry. No one's forcing you to be here, right? Well, I'm waiting for the big shows to call me. What? How did this get made? What's that? What do you... Serial? You want serial to do an episode about you?

Yeah, why not? Would have killed them to pick up the phone. What are you, serial? You want serial to do an episode about you? Yeah, why not? Would have killed them to pick up the phone. You would have to kill someone for them to pick up the phone. Oh, I wish. Anyway. If they were legal, I'd do it all the time. Kill someone? Yeah.

I don't think the human mind could really come to grips with killing people all the time. You just got up to the top of my list Just in that sentence you were trying to say Jesus all right. He is a children's entertainer He works primarily in the soup bubble. I work exclusively in the soup bubble realm. I make bubbles and His name actually My stage name. Stage name. Have we talked about your real name?

Yes. What is it again? You make me say it every time. Please do. Pediamine. All right. Pediamine, AKA Big Chunky Bubbles. That's right, I'm a children's entertainer.

I make bubbles out of soup and they're big chunky bubbles. And I call myself Big Chunky Bubbles. Welcome back to the show. Thank you, that seems sincere. Oh, applause. We love you, Big Chunky. Thank you, stranger. Are you a child?

My? My? This better be worth it. My uncle dropped me off. Worth it. Worth it! I think worth it. Big Chunky, or Mr. Bubbles. How am I supposed to address you?

You can't call me Mr. Bubbles, that's copyrighted. By those soap people. Should I just call you Petey? Yeah, I guess. Petey, it's so good to see you again. Yeah, I bet it is. You, uh, take Gillian and Paul here through a little bit of your history. You, of course, are a children's entertainer who, you have a,

you've seen soap bubble entertainers. Oh yeah. Boring. And they're boring, right? Agreed, yes. Yeah, a little boring. Any old bath can make soap bubbles. You make them by accident. What's the artist's creed?

If you fart in a hot tub, you make bubbles. There you go. I'm not sure if you're proving his point or disproving it. I think she's proving it. Proving. Very well said. Thank you. If you're two chimps and you have a baby and you sell it to one of the world's singing

superstars you made some bubbles too. A bubble. If you're two chimps. So anyone listening, if you happen to be two chimps. In the past. Yeah. Do you think Bubbles' parents are still alive? Oh, I hope so.

Oh, they must be proud. Did Bubbles outlive Michael Jackson? Does anyone know? No, I think Bubbles is dead. I believe Bubbles is dead. Oh, I saw a documentary where Latoya visited Bubbles. Oh really? But I don't know if it was pre or post. But she visited him at his house.

Did Peckle Jackson? Or was he at work? He was at a, like a zoo, it was sad. It would be really sad for Bubbles to go from this wonderful life of living with Michael Jackson in a palace, all that you really, you know, everything that's expected of you... Everything monkeys want. Yeah, monkeys really like the rich life.

But really, the only thing that's expected of you that's kind of a bummer is you have to watch Michael Jackson doing these weird things to people. But, you know, other than that, it's like a great life, right? You know that song, you know, The Way You Make Me Feel? Mm-hmm. That was inspired by Bubbles. Jared Slauson Really?

Jared Slauson Because Bubbles was, you know, he was a chimp, so he's eating a lot of bananas. And he's just throwing the refuse around. Jared Slauson Sure. Jared Slauson And Michael Jackson was walking by and then he went, he slipped and he went, I slipped on a banana peel. And he was like, wait a minute, that's got a hook to it. That's got a real stanky hook. Slipped on a banana peel. Hoo!

Am I here as a prank? Knock me off of my feet. Now, baby. Yeah. So then he loved the tune and he loved the rhyme. Why is this still happening? The stig I thought of in first grade. What's happening? This thing I thought of in first grade.

Did you ever, but the serious question, if Al Yankovic had come out with a song, I slipped on a banana peel, would you have lost your mind? I would have called up the old lawyers in three words, Scott, litigate, litigate courtroom. That's where you do it.

Yeah, that's where I would do it. So now big junkie bubbles. Yeah, hi, still here. You basically take big vats of soup. It's very simple. I use various tureens of soup, stews, and chowders, and I, using my bubble wand, I make very complex, intricate bubbles that are big and chunky. Are the chunks inside the bubbles or on the exterior of the bubble?

Both. Wow. Is there, by the way, what's your favorite chowder? New England clam. So by the end of the parties, they're just a film of soup on the floor? Yes, it's very slick and dangerous. And these are hot soups as well.

They're piping hot. It makes the best bubbles. Right. Where do you do these outdoors? Children's parties. Children's parties. I should do them outdoors. I don't know why parents don't get the message. I like it.

Have you ruined furniture and rugs? Furniture got ruined, but I wouldn't say I ruined it. Well, what about yourself? Your own? You get any physical harm? Look at my arms. They're covered with burns. Exposed veins.

That's why I wear my tux... Exposed veins. Exposed veins. That's why I wear my tux. Yeah, exposed veins. Exposed veins. I burned right through the skin. Right through the epidermis. That's right. Right through the dermis. That's right.

Here's my veins. That's why I wear long sleeves. Hey, it must be easy to get high, though. Yeah, dude. You just puff a little bit on his veins. What? One of those shows? P bit on his veins. What? Puff on his veins?

On his own veins? He meant I could inject myself with heroin. When did you get this idea for making chunky soup bubbles? When I was a child, I was fascinated by piping hot soup. You like to eat it? No, I like to look at it. My mother was very cross with me. Eat your soup, it's going cold, she would say.

But you didn't want to eat it, or you were just fascinated by the look of it. I wanted to watch the bubbles for as long as they were around. How long does it take for a soup to cool? To where no bubbles are formed? To where there are no longer bubbles, yes. You must know this to the second.

The soup has to be hot to form a bubble? Ah, kill him. Yes, have you ever eaten soup before? No. You've never eaten soup before. You should try it. From what I understand, it's pretty good. Why are you telling me to try it?

You don't eat it. Well, that's because of my job. Well, maybe I'm going to open up a competing soup bubble business. Really? This is interesting. I will call it Liquid Meal Spheres. LMS? Yep. Wow.

This is, I gotta say, I have zero competition in this business. As far as I know, I'm the only person who makes big chunky bubbles out of soups, soups, and chowders. And something about this is very exciting to me. You know what's interesting? It's, yeah, you have, I was almost going to say there's no reason to even ask who are you going to call, because you're the only person to call, but it makes me think of the Ghostbusters song.

Why is he even asking that question of who you're gonna call? There's only one Ghostbusters, right? I think he's asking in a rhetorical, and if I may, condescending manner. You really, Ray Parker Jr. Of course you're going to call Ghostbusters. Well maybe you call a priest. Maybe you call a religious leader. Maybe you call... But they're not gonna solve the problem. Well, they could do perhaps an exorcism.

The Ghostbusters are the only ones who are going to clean up the town in that manner. We don't know. I don't know. We don't know. That's true. Anyway, back to this, you guys, are you interested, you're truly interested

in the Soap Bubble game. What's your name again, dear? Soap Bubble. Mike. Your name is Mike? Yep. What's your last name? P. Mike P.

Is that P-E-E? P-E-A. Oh, okay. I like split pea soup. So you have tried soup? No, I like the color. Who likes the color of split pea soup? It's beautiful.

It reminds me of the rich loamy earth. I love loams. And legumes. What's your favorite loam? Silt. It's tough to beat. So, I mean, you're actually excited by this though, Big Tunky Bubbles? Oh yeah, I've never had any kind of competition.

I've always been unique in my field, which is a blessing and a curse. Obviously, all the money for soup bubbles goes to me. Some would say competition is what spurs people to achieve more than they would normally have a team. Innovate. Exactly! It's like I would have a competitor who would spur me to greater creative heights just like you. I don't know who that would be for you.

You're right. Bazooka Joe Comet. You know what, Petey? I don't know why I keep having you on. I don't either! We have a very contentious relationship. I know. What's your biggest gig to date? very contentious relationship. I know.

What's your biggest gig to date? Well, I did the Just For Kids festival in Montreal. Yeah, people can hear that episode from Montreal. I was savagely reviewed in the local paper. Yeah, he read the review on it. Oh, don't do that. It was pretty terrible. Petey, you must have endorsements

just knocking your door down. The Campbell's. You would think that all manner of soup companies. Oh, Campbell's. Yeah, that's a big one. Hunts. They're number two, they try harder. But you don't because.

No, I think it's because of how often people have been scalded by the bubbles. Well, you also don't, you don't because... No! I think it's because of how often people have been scalded by the bubbles. Well, you also don't... you don't like to eat soup. So what are they advertising with you? Yeah, you'd be coming from a position of ignorance. I did have one meeting one time with someone from Del Monte, and they said, what's your favorite soup? And I said, I wouldn't eat soup on a bet!

And that was the end of that meeting. Yeah, the scalding is a big problem. Canceled my progress-o appointment later that day. They canceled your progress-o appointment? How could they do that? I did. I figured I'd see where this is headed. These soup guys like you to really stroke them.

Ha ha ha ha. Oh. So Big Junkie Bubbles- Stroke it. Stroke them. Ha ha ha ha. Oh. So big chunky bubbles. Stroke it. Stroke it. So big chunky bubbles, what are you up to now? I mean, obviously I haven't seen you in a few months. Have you been out there entertaining the children

or you're always an innovator. You always have things going on. It's been a really fallow period for all big chunky bubbles. Yeah. I haven't had any gigs. Kids not having birthdays in these months? They seem to be having birthdays,

but I don't seem to be hired to entertain them. What's your website like? What's your online presence? Do you have a landing page? I do have a landing page, thanks to Squarespace. Sure. I didn't even know what it was or what it did, but it came for free. And I was like, all right, good.

It's free with the service. So yeah, what's it like though? Is your phone number there? Is there a way to contact you? I mean, I tried to do something artistic with it. And so my website, my official homepage is basically, it's a treasure map to the information. That's the treasure treasure map. To the information. That's the treasure at the end of the trail. Okay, and how do people solve it?

Stroke that treasure. Why do you keep saying stroke? Because treasure trail. I just thought of dicks. I don't know. Are you constantly thinking of dicks? Not always, but sometimes. So how do you solve the treasure map? What, I mean, is it, uh... There's a list of three dozen instructions. Oh boy, that's way too much.

I advise people to print it up. People don't want to print up a website in order to solve a riddle. Well then they don't want to contact me. Well, they don't, and you were seeing what's happening. No. Your business is just lying fallow. I'm an artist and I try to make everything I do artistic.

Well, something shouldn't be artistic. Something should be simple, right? What? Name one thing that shouldn't be artistic. Sometimes soup. Sometimes the most simple of soups. A broth. What do we think of broths?

Broth is like the precursor to a soup. Boom. It's like what a soup could be, but you have to put a bunch of stuff. It's just, you know, water. Basically. It's chicken flavored water or whatever. At what point does something become a soup from a broth when you put one thing in it? Like a stone? Yeah, anything. Like if you put some chicken in it is it then is it a soup? If you put one piece of chicken is it a chicken soup? No.

How many? It needs multiple pieces of chicken. That's a garnish if it's just one piece of chicken. So two pieces of chicken. Minimum five. You know your soups. I have to admit. I do know my soups inside and out. Wait, I'm having an idea here. Uh-oh.

When I was a child, someone hired a clown for my classmates' birthday party. How original. But hear me out. At the end of the party, he revealed to the birthday girl's grandmother that he was also a stripper. So I was thinking maybe you could... What? Yeah, this is a true story.

Hold on. In front of the children, you revealed this or... I heard it. And how did this come up? Did you say, oh, BTW, I also could end the day by stripping right now if you were to pay me extra? Granny, yes.

Okay. Did he call her granny? End the day by stripping right now if you were to pay me extra. Granny, yes. Mm, okay. Did he call her granny? Did she take him up on it or? That? You don't know. I don't know. Mm-hmm. I went home.

Okay. I kind of thought that he was going to end up stripping at the same party. That's extra. He was going to be instantly engaged in a second capacity. I, uh, I met that guy before, that clown once. Really? Yeah. And, uh, I was like, how do you figure it out? Like you got to do two different things.

It seems like it's complicated. There must be a lot of paperwork. And he said, no, it's very easy. I just go, you want the bozo or the blowjoe? He would be the one receiving the blowjoe. So not a lot of paperwork then. Zero. So, but Gilly, why were you, why did you bring this up?

Well, I think that you should really expand your notions of your operation here. Well, for your information, miss, I'm not only a bubble artist. That is my primary art, it's true. But at the end of every party, I let any grandmothers know. By the way, I also can sculpt things out of meat. Sculpt out of meat? Yeah. That's great. I'm not trying to stand in the way of your meat sculptures. Good, cause you can.

I would simply suggest that in addition to offering soup bubbles at parties, you have a clown there. He could really... Wait, you want to find this clown who's a stripper? Is that what I'm getting at? You're just to find this clown who's a stripper? Is that what I'm getting at? You're just looking for this clown that's a stripper that excited you so much when you were a kid. You've been searching for this clown ever since.

Been thinking about it nonstop. Okay, look, no, I want to hear about the... Nonstop. I want to hear about the meat sculptures. You make meat sculptures. I take the biggest hunk of meat I can find. How big are these hunks of meat that you usually find? biggest hunk of meat I can find. How big are these hunks of meat that you're usually finding?

Like a rack of ribs or what are you doing? No, like a side of beef. Side, a full side of beef. If I can get my hands on one, sure, but it's expensive. Right, so you're bringing these. You're not saying, hey, what meat do you have around the house? Well, they don't always want the meat sculpture, so it'd be foolish for me to bring my own meat there

every time. Right, OK. So I usually ask, if you happen to have a side of beef, I'd be happy to make a sculpture for you. And what kind of thing can you make out of a side of beef? You ever seen the Eiffel Tower? I have. Let me see.

I went to Paris. I stayed right there in the middle of Paris. Scott, forget it. Forget it? Paris. Scott, forget it. Forget it? Paris. Oh, Paris. Great. Was that a play on the famous movie everyone knows?

You're on fire, Paul. Everyone's favorite Billy Crystal, Deborah Winger movie? I really wondered what it would look like if this... I thought that was hard. We'll always have Paris. That's just the saying. Mmm. All right.

Eiffel Tower, you saw the Eiffel Tower. I did see the, I'm remembering now I saw the Eiffel Tower. It was an Eiffel. Is there a gas leak in here? I don't know what's going on right now. I'm so happy. Like a virus, it spread to Gilead. So look, so you make the Eiffel Tower.

Yes! Okay. I can't be reset everything I ever say. Well, all you said was you ever heard of it. We go up down this laughy taffy road and then you come back to me and you're like, what are you all about again? Ah, that's the whole show.

Every time. Yes. Who would listen to this? What if you had a dog that also made bubbles but they were fart bubbles? Getting back to my earlier point. Are you looking for ideas? Is that what this is? He doesn't have any work! Is this like Shark Tank? We're supposed to be pitching you things? Why are you mad at me? I thought that you came in here wanting to talk about something. I did and then this one keeps telling me first she's gonna be my competition, then she's pitching me ideas. I gotta involve all these other people and animals. Do you have a pet, by the way?

I used to have a dog. Oh, what happened? Can you take a guess what? Died? Yeah. Wait, but from soup? Yeah. Oh no. from soup? Yeah. Oh no.

Dogs love meat soups. They love it. Yeah. They love nothing more than meat. It gets them crazy. And they love, they love, they love some vegetables too sometimes. Yeah, sometimes, I mean, some dogs just eat anything you put in front of them. Yeah.

And so what happened? Well, I was practicing a new bubble. Oh, the bubbles are in shapes of things that exist already or just in strange oblong shapes that look cool. There's only so many shapes you can make a bubble go into. Well, you could do like a Mickey Mouse where it's

like, oh, one big bubble and then two bubbles on top of it. I've done it. Right, right. Do you get sued by the Walt Disney Corporation if you do a Mickey Mouse soup bubble? They've tried, but I say, here's the thing, I always say, oh, it's just a coincidence,

that wasn't supposed to look like that. It's their fault for making Mickey look like something. That's right, yeah, I say, how come nature's not suing you for Mickey Mouse looking like three bubbles together? But no mouse looks like Mickey Mouse, so nature can't sue Walt Disney Corporation. Exactly, and that's why they don't probably. So you're making a new bubble and it exploded on your... It looked like a cat head.

Oh no, that's... I made as close as I could two triangular bubbles on top of a spherical bubble. Wow. My little dog. Just chased after it. Damocles, he went crazy for it. Damocles, oh. He landed right in the vat of soup.

Oh no, oh. It was terrible, it smelled delicious. You didn't eat the soup after that. Of course not. Okay, okay. He never eats soup, Scott! Okay. Two reasons not to, I don't like soup,

and also my dog was in there. Oh, so just cooked right up, huh? He cooked himself right up. And as a tribute to him, I used that same soup with Damocles in it at my next gig. Oh no. A lot of people didn't agree that the soup smelled delicious. Some people thought it smelled like a charred dog.

Well, yeah. Like, that phrase came up a lot during the show. It's interesting that you think that it's delicious, though. It smelled delicious to me. That's what smells delicious to you. Well, look, my olfactory senses are not the best. I think it's from so many scaldings from exploding soup bubbles.

Yeah. Yeah. So, Big Junk exploding soup bubbles. Yeah, yeah. So, big chunky bubbles. Yeah. Why are you here? Well, you know, I'm putting myself out there. Oh, really? As you know, my wife died. You probably forgot.

No, I remember you told me. Oh, you finally remember? I mean, I don't remember a lot of you. Three times I've met you. Twice you had to make me tell you the story of my wife dying. Tell me again though, because... No! I meet a lot of people.

It's hard to remember the details sometimes. Here's some new people I haven't met before. Can you guess how my wife died? Oh, I... Soup! Yeah, that's right. It was a bubble accident, of course. Mm-hmm. She didn't know to steer clear?

It's not that she didn't know to steer clear. It's that what I was working on was a particularly... Look, this is a matter of public record. My wife is not to blame in her death. It's my fault. Yeah, we're implying it is your fault. I never said it wasn't! We don't need to imply. We can just say it. You think my either I never accused my wife

of doing suicide by soup? How much money you got? I beg your pardon. What a bold question. Scott, I know where this is going. I know where this is going. Ease up. What are you trying to say, big chunky bubbles?

I'm a widower, as you know, and it's been several years, and I think I'm ready to put myself back out there on the market and maybe even find a mom for my stupid old kids. How many children do you have? I got three kids. How old are they? How are they now, since the last time we've spoken? Yeah. I'm gonna say...

The twins, Robbie and Bobby. Sure. By the way, aren't they both just named Robert? No! We've been over this! Roberta and Robert, it could be if it's a boy and a girl. Could be, isn't. It's Robbie and Bobby those are their names How old are they now? 11 okay, and the then you're in tag tag yeah, yeah, you were Howard Tag is tag is the one that you are not that fun. We caught him

I'm not crazy about any of them to be honest tag wasn't he was a he was a surprise Right many years after we had the twins. How old is he? He's three. No, I'm out. Scott, I won't do it. We call him Tag because he's extra. Right, yeah, like a skin tag.

Yeah. So they're motherless, these are motherless children. Yes, they just have me, their dad. Nope, I'm not doing it. Well, hold on. What are you talking about? Scott, I know what Wicked Games are up to, Chris Isaac, Scott.

I may have invited big chunky bubbles here. Hey, sidebar. Yes. Remember when Chris Isaac had that TV show? That was weird. That was strange. You ever see the thing he did to Cameron Diaz? No, what did he do?

That's all I think about when I hear his name. What did you did to Cameron Diaz? No, what did he do? That's all I think about when I hear his name. What did he do to Cameron Diaz? Look it up. He forced a kiss on her that she didn't want. Oh, I remember that. The Smooch Patrol was irate. The Smooch Patrol was very upset about that. At some MTV show or something, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Then, Adrian Brody did that to Helen Berry. To Helen Berry, yeah. You know, if you ever win an award, it's a real position of power. What a weird trend of two. I guess you need three to be a trend.

Maybe it's like pieces of chicken in a soup. You need five. But look, I may have invited Big Chunky Bubbles here, because Gillian, I know of your recent issues with, in the, you know, I hate to plug it again, but the love department. Is this a setup? Look, I like you, Gillian.

I like you, big junkie. Well, that's maybe a little strong. That was a close one. You may be the guest I like the least out of anyone that's ever been on the show. Scott! But I think sometimes, you know, fate thinks that two people who seemingly would be mismatched

are actually a great match. And, you know, Gillian, since you were on the show last, of course, you're now penniless and broke and without any sort of romance in your life. And here's a man who's a relatively recent widower who has three annoying children and who is out of work. Mm-hmm.

To be fair, the children only annoy me. Sure, they don't annoy other people. No, no, no, I didn't take a poll or anything. You could. I suppose I could. All right, let's go through it. Do you own a home? Almost.

Where? In Encino. Nope. Really? Encino is it? Deal breaker. No, I can't. I have too many exes in Encino.

What? Really? Yeah. Really? What parts of Encino? Why are they all in Encino? Ex-ino. Well, Brendan Fraser is one of them.

Okay, yeah. And he lives in Encino? Come on, Paul. Great work on the affair this year. You got it, didn't you, Paul? Oh, wait a minute. Oh, he's an Encino man. Encino man, sure.

Have you guys swapped bodies? No, not at all. Encino man, one of those movies that women talk about. What? Hey, where did I put my earrings? I don't even have my ears pierced. And you know that! I know that.

What a freakish Friday. Look, we need to take a break. No! We need to take a break, Gilly. When we come back, I really wanna make a case for big chunky bubbles here, and we're gonna play a little something that I like to call the comedy bang bang dating game.

Oh. When we come back, we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. We're gonna play a little something that I like to call the Comedy Bang Bang dating game. Oh. Oh. When we come back, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Bum-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Second season we'll get to see them fall even deeper and deeper in love The smooch patrol very excited about that 12 episodes of course And we also have big chunky bubbles who is a children's entertainer, and you've been pouting the entire commercial Well look I want this young lady to know I Didn't come here to be set up. I wasn't in on this okay. This is news to me Yeah, fair enough, so that's not my problem with you I wasn't in on this. This is news to me. Yeah.

Fair enough. That's not my problem with you. Look, before you go into your problems... What is it? I want to know what the problem is with me. You've got three children. Yeah. You're broke. I think Gary had more children than three. But they were adult. I don't want to raise these children. And you live in a real hot

spot of exes for me in Sino, California. Listen, the kids practically raise themselves. I try to really keep my distance. What do they do? Like you're here doing a podcast for a couple hours. What are they up to now? God knows. Do you have them making your soups? They participate sometimes in the making of soups. They're not very good at it. But being kids they have to have some sort of hook up with other kids who maybe want to have a birthday party entertainer. You would think, but every time I broach the subject with them they say, oh dad we're kind of loners at school. We

don't really have friends or do activities, but I'm always having to sign permission slips for them to go have fun. What if you button the subject with them? I don't know what's happening right now. Button the opposite of broach? No, it's just a different thing. What about for your kids?

You could do their parties. You pay himself? Yeah, exactly. What, you only do it for your kids? You could do their parties. You pay themself? Yeah, exactly! You only do it for getting paid? I'm just saying give them a thrill. Do their party. How much do you owe in the house? It's almost paid off. How much do you owe in the house? $500,000. Scott! Scott!

$200,000. What is the- You've borrowed? I've taken out several mortgages. Oh. Scott, I've got bills. I know you do, but look, it's time to play something- Well, I've got the skills to pay those bills. Do you, though? I'm very good at what I do.

I'm alone in my field. Whenever there's a demand for bubbles made out of soups or stews, I'm the guy they call. Well, not when I get L-M. Liquid. Meal. Spiracles. Spears.

Spears. You're both fired. All right, it's time to play something that we've never played on the show before. And we're going to have a lot of fun doing it. It's time to play the Comedy we've never played on the show before and we're gonna have a lot of fun doing it. It's time to play the Comedy Bang Bang Dating Game. Whaaaaat? ["Bachelorette Theme Song"]

Introducing our bachelorette, she stars on Love Season 2, March 10th. You can take a look at her smoochin'... Gilly and Jacob! What? What? You can take a look at her smoochin' Gillian Jacobs! What? What? And we have three bachelors. What I want you to do is I want you to take your mic over there. Turn around. Okay?

Okay. Now you're gonna ask the three of us questions here. And you're not gonna know who's answering. No, there already seems to be a major flaw with this premise. Now, you don't know who just said that, right? No, that was Paul. Right. Okay, you're going to ask us questions about ourselves, and we'll each answer, and then

at the end I want you to pick bachelor number one, two, or three, and you're going to have to marry that person. And I'm willing to throw my hat in the ring. What kind of marriage? We're talking, I don't know, willing to throw my hat in the ring. What kind of marriage? We're talking, I don't know, what kind of marriage are you looking for? What kind of marriage? We're talking everything, we're talking- Marriage of convenience.

Soup to nuts. Can we switch the numbers? Soup to other soups. The bachelor numbers? Sure, yeah, we'll switch them around. Well, who are they to be kin? Then how do I choose at the end, if you keep switching the numbers?

You add them all up and divide by three. Right. All right, so do you have a question in mind right now? Yes. Okay, here we go. We're going to go to Bachelor number one. Bachelor number one, how much money do you have? I have two nickels to rub together. Mmm. Bachelor number two. How many outstanding parking tickets do you have? None. I don't have a car.

Bachelor number three. If you found a dirty diaper in your bed, what would you do? I would nod and go, oh, it happened again. Bachelor number two. Wait, did we switch the numbers yet? No, okay, let's switch. Bachelor number two.

Yes. Why? Cord, the cord goes inside the screw and then you flip the switch. No, no, no, no, no, don't flip the switch. Okay, good. Great, that was great. Bachelor number four.

Great. That was great. Bachelor number four. Yeah. Underneath it all, who are you? I'm just a boy looking at the back of a girl, assuring her that my kids are not really a big part of my life Bachelor number nine yep Get the fuck out of here, okay more of a statement bye bachelor number two Bachelor number two

present I Don't even think that you understand me at all prove it now You're present. I don't even think that you understand me at all. Prove it now. Somewhere, deep inside of you, there is a tiny voice crying out, you will all bow down to me when I come into my place of power. Illuminating. Bachelor number ten. I'm sorry, I left.

Bachelor number ten. I'm gone. Bachelor number ten. Alright, what? You caught him. Would you kill for me? I would kill you. For me. Yes. If you ask me...

To kill me for me? Yes. If you were like, I can't stand the pain anymore. She'll kill me for me! Not because I look like Terry Polo! I don't know what that is. She likes me for me! I'm worried about you too. We fell in love watching Office Space. We fell in love watching Office Space.

There probably is someone out there who fell in love watching Office Space. It stands to reason! Staplers. They had a lot of staplers at their wedding. Yeah, probably Jennifer Aniston, little egoist. Ron Livingston? Steven Root. Here's my impression of Jennifer Aniston. Let's put on office space tonight, Jen. Oh that song means we're out of time. I thought that song meant time to go outside, mom's watching TV. This is probably the podcast with the largest amount of swings to misses that has ever been

recorded. I like though you say a thing and then you just look down at the ground. As if to say I've released it and whatever happens next is not up to me. Gillian we're going to have to ask, who did you pick out of those bachelors? I picked Sir Richard Branson. Not a choice. You're going to have to pick one of the bachelors.

I pick Mr. Soobie Bubble Man. What? Me? How do you know which one it was out of the numbers? I don't care about those answers. How do you know which one it was out of the numbers? I don't care about those answers. I don't care about the rules. I don't care about the fact that I secretly

have eyes on the back of my head that you never knew about, and I could see all of you the whole time. What? Oh, that's weird. I was stroking it the entire time. I saw it. We all saw it. I guess it's just you guys were looking right at me.

Yeah, you were looking at us too. It was weird. And I have a set of eyes on your thigh. Thighs? Yeah, that's how I saw it. The thighs have it. Well, this is great. I think you... Is this though, Scott? Is this though? I mean, you know, look, you don't have a lot of options these days.

Why? Why do I... Why am I only limited to guests of this podcast? Look, you're approaching, let me talk tough with you. Oh. All right? Tough talk. You're approaching a certain age. You know what I mean? You're an unmarried actress in Hollywood.

You know, the bloom has kind of- Aren't I? Wait, what? The bloom has kind of come off the rose a bit. All right. If I may be so blunt. I'm a lot like that guy on Blunt Talk. I just like to be blunt. You don't have a lot of options left.

Look, I mean, Paul and I, we were both playing bachelor, what is it called, dating game? But we're both married. I think we would have had to have bowed out had we won, you know? Yeah, we're part of a very special club that gets a very special club that gets a very special ring to be a part of it.

Ugh. You know, I mean, we gotta marry you off because there's not much time left. You know? Why are you crying, Paul? Is it about Milo again? I miss Milo. It comes in waves, huh?

Yeah, you think you forget it, and then a few minutes pass, and then it comes back up. It's like you wake up in the morning and there's that time before you remember, then Milo's gone. So Gilead, what do you say? So you're telling me,

because I'm an unmarried actress approaching a certain age. You haven't found your Warren Beatty yet, like a person several decades older who's going to... Did somebody say Warren Beatty? Wait, did he just walk in? Hello! I got some envelopes to pass around! Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- but fate being what it is, you know, who could have foretold that? The tragedy would have struck comedy bang bang this way, you know?

This is too painful. I can't deal with this. I mean, I should at least be comforted with wealth. Eva, I'm gonna have to deal with your children and- Look, this is the kind of guest we have on now, you know what I mean? What happened? All the wealthy ones are going. What?

You know? Why do I have to get married at all? That's what I'm wondering. Because people are gonna start rumors about you if you don't get married. Let them, let them. You don't wanna become an old maid, do you? Remember It's a Wonderful Life, that tragic ending?

Never seen it. Oh, it's so scary. It's so scary, that's the thing that really breaks him. She's an old maid. Her vision went and she worked at the library. That sounds delightful. I always wanted to be a librarian. The fact of just not marrying him made her wear glasses. She was probably peering around for a husband.

I don't know about you, Soup Man. I don't know. Well, I don't know about you either. You know about me. I know a little bit about you. Let's cut the shit soup man. You know all about earned our ee what do you know What do you know about Gillian you see this ever see community? What's that season six you ever have Yahoo screen? It's on Hulu now Scott. What is everybody saying? I don't understand any of these terms All six seasons are on Hulu now. Scott. What is everybody saying? I don't understand any of these terms. All six seasons are on Hulu now.

You're an actress, right? Mmm, actor. Probably... Probably not classically trained. Excuse me. Is that what an octopus says? No, that's what it does. Uh-huh. Right.

Sorry! Geez, what is your fucking problem? I'm so irate! I'm irate! You don't... Have you ever thought about what it's done to me emotionally to go through what I've gone through in the last 13 months? I know, I know, but look at me! Didn't anyone console you? Anybody? I didn't hear from... Like strangers on Twitter?

Yes, of course. For days and days? Yes, yes, but- Gilly. Scott, the person I looked to for my emotional comfort. I'm trying to help you. You shore me up, shore me up, Scott Aukerman. I'm trying to help you

because I've seen you over the past few months. You haven't been getting out there. You've been moping around. Where have you seen me then if I haven't been getting out there. You've been moping around. Where have you seen me then if I haven't been getting out? I watched season one of Love. I just assumed that you were acting that way because, you know, you were kind of depressed. Wait, wait, wait.

So you're saying you're sad based on the last few times you've seen her on a TV show. Yeah. I assumed like, oh, wow, she's not trying that hard. She must be sad. So look, I feel like I can help you. I assumed like, oh wow, she's not trying that hard. She must be sad. So look, I feel like I can help you. I'm your friend. I'm your buddy. Who in this room other than me is your biggest buddy? You know what I mean? And don't look at engineer Brett. Don't you dare.

But he Googles things when I tell him to, which is more than you ever do. Gilly, what do you say? I say give me a break. I say cut me loose, man. I say give me the real deal, man. I've been looking for my whole life. No more of these sad Hollywood, millionaire types. No more of these soup salesmen. Give me a real man with some money and real estate. Give me some man with stocks and bonds. Give me a man who owns some stocks and bondage. Give me a man who's got some kneecaps that are solid and some eyes that can see.

I can't take this shit anymore. That was Juilliard caliber delivery. I'm sorry guys, but look, we're running out of time. We just have one last thing to do on the show. That's a little something called- Closing up the plug bag. No, called plugs. Oh, very nice. That was Time to Do Your Plugs by Danny Hager maybe or Hauger? Not sure. How would you pronounce that? How would you pronounce prononce?

Hauger. Hauger maybe? All right, guys, what are we plugging up? Obviously, Gillian Paul, you have Love, season two of which, out this Friday. Season two of which? What happened? He said Love, season two of which.

Season two of which is out Friday. Yeah. Oh. Boy, oh boy. Did you think I was talking about someone like Mike Cernovich or something? Or a witch. Oh you thought I mentioned an actual witch.

Oh my gosh. Two of Witch. Mike Cernovich. I don't know who I'm even talking about. Oh it's not pleasant. Can I do Mr. Soup's plugs? Sure. Mr. Soup.

Can I do Mr. Soup's plugs? Uh, sure. Okay. Mr. Soup. He's going to be appearing at the Americana on March 13th on Lucky Day. He's going to be appearing at the parking lot of the Kmart across the street from the Grove on March 15th, and we have a tentative booking for a birthday party on March 17th in Altadena. I don't even know what's happening now. Are you my manager?

I downloaded your iCal when you weren't looking. Well, the gig at the Americana is going to be something special. I'm filling that Felton with soup and I'm going to make the biggest soup bubbles anyone's ever seen. Tell them about the Kmart parking lot. The Kmart parking lot, I'm going to be giving out advice. So if you want to know how to get into the soup bubble game, meet me by, it's like right by the entrance of the Kmart, not where the handicap spot is, but to the left of that.

And finish strong with the Altadena appearance. The Altadena appearance will be a funeral of a friend of mine. Oh no, you didn't mention who's dead. It's my mentor. Wait. The guy who taught me everything I know about making soup bubbles. What is his or her name?

You said guy. So what is his name? That's right. It was a woman. Okay. What was her name? Her name was Madam Stu. Madam Stu.

Madam Stu. She taught me the art. Of making bubbles? Of making bubbles out of soups and soups. Gosh, this is terrible. How long have you known her? Like a month. Yeah, I thought you didn't.

It didn't take long to learn. You've only been doing, wait, I've met you earlier than a month ago. Yeah, I only knew her for a month. Oh, wait, and then you just stopped all contact? Oh, I've seen her in years. Oh, okay. Why are you so sad? Oh, wait, and then you just stopped all contact? Oh, I haven't seen her in years. Oh, OK. Why are you so sad?

Oh, wait, are you thinking about Milo? I had some spit in my mouth. I'm swollen. Oh, OK. I'm thinking about Milo. Why'd you have to bring his name up? Sorry, guys. Sorry.

Because I miss him. He was so funny. He was hilarious. He's just joking around. What's the big deal? Paul, do you have anything to plug? Uh... I think Milo is on real time with Bill Maher.

You can still catch it. Still up there at HBO Go. Check it out. Uh, no, watch Love. Yep. Meow. Yep. Okay. Big Chunky Bubbles, anything to plug?

I already did his. Okay, sorry. Anything for Gillian to plug? Yes. You should check out a comedian named Paul F. Tompkins. He's hilarious. One of the best. One of the best.

Okay. One of. Mm-hmm. He's up there. Might he have any appearances or anything coming out that... No. Oh my God. Spontaniation, spontaniation.

Spontaniation, great podcast. Spontaniation. It comes out on Mondays here on Earwoolf. Anything else he's doing? Yes, he's got a show called, Bagillion Dollar Listing on... No. No. Bagillion Dollar Properties.

Thank you. On... So, he's got... The third season, I believe, features someone in this room that I'm looking at. What? Both peoples that you're looking at. No, he was in season two. You're in season three, my dear.

But we shot it only a day apart. I know, but that's how television works. That's Hollywood. Mm-hmm. Bubble boy. Can it. Get it. Soup can. I think I get it. Alright, I'm gonna plug, let's see,

first of all, if you're at South by Southwest this weekend, Pass. Nope. I'll be there. Oh, you are? When? Who cares? I'll be there doing a show on the 11th and the 12th. The 11th, I believe, is at 6 p.m. at Esther's Follies, and the 12th is at 4 p.m.

What show are you doing? Comedy Bang Bang, live podcast. So we'll be the guests. I thought you always had me on these live shows. I've done so many of them. You've been on one or two. What? Yeah.

That's insane. Yeah, you've only done like one or two. Out of how many? God, we've had a hundred over the years. That's ridiculous. Sorry. So go check those out. Also, if you go to the store, we have Back in Stock.

We have the Hey Dong Man t-shirts are back in stock, the Comedy Bing Bong t-shirts, the You Talking You Too to Me t-shirts are back. Also, we have some new shirts out there, Technicality No Down Boo Over, and Hey Dong Man Ain't Nothingothin' to Fuck With shirts, and the Motherfuckers Want to Laugh, Harris Whittles Memorial T-Shirt is back in stock,

so check those out. And also, if you are a fan of Tracy Reardon, we have all of her greatest hits in one place on the Howl App, we have a big playlist, eight episodes featuring Tracy Reardon, check those out. All right, that's about it. Where's the big chunky bubbles merch? You want merch?

What kind of merch are you? Well, I mean, it practically sells itself. Does it? What are we talking about? Soups? Soups. Just soups? And those plastic bubble making things.

Soups and bubble making things, a bubble wand. I don't know. Maybe. We'll sue you if you don't know, maybe, maybe. We'll sue you if you don't put them in the store. Are we, are we some kind of team or I don't know what is going on with us. Do you have some kind of professional relationship? I don't understand you, Gillie. Have you taken over as his manager?

What's happening? Clearly. All right, all right. Now what's my name again? Your name is, um, I know it's a play on a dictator. This is not a good start. Play on a dictator? It wasn't like Edie Amin, but your name is.

My name is Pee-die Amin. But what's my stage name? Boy Who Makes Bubbles. Close. You got to admit it closer than before. Look, let's close up the old plug bag. Talking about bags and bags. I'm talking about opening bags.

I'm talking about bags and bags. I'm talking about opening bags. I'm talking about bags and bags. I'm talking about opening bags. I'm talking about bags and bags. I'm talking about opening bags. All right, guys, fun, fun bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, all bags, it's like, you know. Yeah, I made all those date conflicts up. You did?

I was always just sitting in my apartment refusing to come over here. Really? I thought you were going to start sending a car for me after... After what? All my scintillating appearances on this podcast. We should come back for an end of March review. No, Paul, I won't. See if that little lamb... See if that little lamb came around.

See if it's little lamb. Bah bah black sheep, have you any wool? Well guys, big chunky bubbles, I'm sorry it didn't work out this time. Don't expect me to try to set you up next time, because you- Yeah, I won't, I didn't expect it this time. Out of anyone though, who would you want me

to set you up with? Do you have a crush on anyone? Yeah, anyone in the world, yeah. You know what I like is that Alison Brie. Okay, yeah. Where do you know her from? Where do I know her from? Oh, glow.

Okay. I'll try to hook that up for you. Yeah, I saw one preview for that and I was like, looked her up. She's spoken for. What? All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye.

Bye.