Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Pound Foolish (Andy Samberg, Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver)

Episode Date: October 1, 2026

On this Bonus Bang, Andy Samberg of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” and “Saturday Night Live” fame is back to talk to Scott about the new season of “Brooklyn,” their dream “SNL” cast, and which musician would they switch professions with for a whole year. Then, Mayor Junius Bobbledoonary stops by to inform us about being a part of the ancient race of little people that live inside the walls. Plus, former pro-skater Derek Contrera arrives to talk about why he left the world of extreme sports to become the next great American entrepreneur. Originally released on September 25, 2017 as episode 510. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from Behind the Paywall. Now, this week's bonus bang is the latest in the series we're calling Mind Your Own Business, where we're featuring the wonderful entrepreneurs and small business owners that have populated the show over the past decade and a half, launching their products and services. Now, this episode is called Pound Foolish. It stars our old pal Andy Samberg of Brooklyn Nine Nine, Saturday Night Live, and of course Hollywood Facts theme fame. And after that we have Paul F. Tompkins as the very tiny mayor, Junius Bobbilloonery.

And then finally, Drew Tarver, plays former pro skater Derek Contrera, who talks about his new career as an entrepreneur. This episode was originally released nine years ago on September 25th, 2017, as episode 500,000. And 10. Wow. So before we get to it, I want to tell you we have some great shows coming up on our 2026 ground beefing tour, which is winding to a close. On Tuesday, October 6th, we're going to be in Huntington, New York, in the Long Island area. Our rescheduled show for the Boston area is going to be in Medford on October 7th on Wednesday. And then we're going to be up in Troy, New York, upstate New York, on October 8th, Thursday. So come out and see us. Ticket links are at CBBWorld.com. tour and then Monday we're actually going to be announcing our final live show of the year, which goes on sale next week. Very excited about that. If you enjoyed this episode, you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen the neighborhood listen to College Town, plus a lot of other fun stuff. Become a subscriber at cbbworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, every live show, add free new episodes.

and even more original shows. Plus, we're releasing all of the live episodes we do the very next day for our Maximus subscribers. Follow us along on the road. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Hot stickers for my real friends, real stickers for my pot friends. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to call Waiting for Godot for that catchphrase submission.

And sorry, just like Gilly. You remember Gilly? I know Gilly personally. You know Gilly? You've been in the same room as Gilly. I don't think I was ever in a Gilly, though. Yeah, that's when you, and we'll introduce you in a second, welcome to Comedy Bang, Bing. But when you look back at your long storied career on Saturday Night Live and other programs, is that one of your biggest show business regrets?

Not being in a Gilly? Not being in a Gilly. Yeah, I'm kind of pissed at Kristen for that now, looking back, unless I was on one, in which case I am not at all pissed. How about a Californian? Do you ever be on one of those? I was in one. You're in one. What about one of the California raisins?

Were you ever one of those? I was inside of one, if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. I had sex with one of the California raisins. Oh, because usually they're inside of you when you eat them. Correct. But I flipped the script and I had sex with one of those claymation raisins. Flipping the script.

Now, that's something that, say you're on set. And we'll introduce you in a second. And I'll introduce myself in a second. Certainly no rush. But say you're on set and you're in a popular program, Brooklyn 9-9, whose season premiere is coming up on September 26 at 930. Say you're on set and you have your script in front of you. You're memorizing your lines.

Someone comes over to you when flips it and turns it upside down. What do you do? I go, ah, what a fresh new approach. Now I get the scene. Ha ha, yes. It's a lot like when you're trying to draw something that you're staring at, like an elephant or something. If you were to turn, no, if you're, what am I trying to say?

If you're looking at a picture of something and you're trying to replicate it and draw it, turn the picture upside down. and you'll have no point of view about it. You'll have none of your preconceptions about, oh, this is what an elephant should look like. Right. You're just merely drawing lines. Yeah.

The elephant thing was definitely the best version of explaining that. Right. Thank you so much. Especially the mix-up in the middle of it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

We are certainly none can dispute that we are balls deep in September at this point. That's a well-phrased sentence. I mean, last Monday. of September, there is no other way to put it, but we are balls deep in it. And soon we're going to be just the tip and octi-doggy. But, um, chode deep. Chode deep. Yeah. Chode deep. So you have a chode is what you're trying to say. Yeah. Well, doesn't everybody? That's why everyone says, man, check out my chode. No, if everyone had a chode, they would just call it a penis. Nope. Because there's those rogue porn stars that have quote unquote real penis.

You mean every single porn star that exists? Is that why people become porn stars because they don't have chodes? I believe that is the case. And they're forced into exhibitionism. Well, I didn't want to say Tate deep because then everyone would start cheering because you're from Taint. Ah, thank you very much. And speaking of From Taint, welcome to the show. I am Scott Ackerman, host of Comedy Bang Dang.

We'll get to that later. I'll get to you in a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People need to know who the host is and that is me. He is I and I am him. Scott Ackerman, Comedy Bang, Bang, over 500 episodes. And our first guest up here, this is, by the way, and Andy, you haven't been back since we've hit upon our wonderful catchphrase. The show where we talk to interesting people.

Oh. Pretty good, right? It's really good. If you were trying to figure out a podcast to listen to and you saw the show where they talked to interesting people, what would your reaction be? I'd be like, man, I might start listening to podcasts. Well, thank you for denigrating the art form that has been. My career. Nothing against it.

Just don't have the time. Yeah, because you have, so much of your time is invested in Hollywood projects. Such as, and this is part of your intro, so here it comes. Such as the mother lovers. Yeah. Well, that was a one-off, but yeah. The boat guys. The boat guys, yes.

The guys who have presents that they give. that are a little surprising. Yeah, the chode in the box, guys. Right. He plays Dr. Jake Simansky. No, who do you play on? No, Dr. Jake Simansky. Dr. Jake Samanski.

Which is who the director and my friend, Jake Samansky, is named after, the character I play. Really, Jake Samansky, the director, is named after the character you play. Yeah, he changed his name from Jake Flash. It was a way better name. Based on the other TV show that he loved. Yes.

And he changed that from Jake Barry Allen. Correct. He plays Dr. Jake Szymansky on the television program, Brooklyn. And the show is coming back for its fifth season. This is incredible. Yeah. September 26 at 930, please welcome Andy Sambord. Hello.

Welcome back to the show. You're probably, this is either you're the five-timers club now or you were in the five-timers club before. Yeah. And you're in the six timers now. Okay, I lost track. And probably on the television show, let me count them up in my head. One, two, three, four, maybe five times on the television show as well. Yeah, why didn't I get the five timers jacket?

Isn't that what you guys do? That's what, yeah, that's what we do. Yeah. Mm-hmm. The five-timers club is getting a little bit. It's getting out of hand. It's also easy to get it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, too.

It's easy to get into now. Right. You know, it used to be kind of like a big deal because it had only been. and the show had only been on for a few seasons. Right. You know, like the first time they made a big deal of it, wasn't it Tom Hanks? Being led into it by Paul Simon and Steve Martin.

And at that point, the show had been on the air 15 years, and hosting it five times was a big deal. Sure. But now it's kind of like so many people are in the five-timers club. I feel like four different hosts got in last year. I know. Shouldn't it be more than now the 10-timers club or even the 15-timers club? I can't tell.

I don't know. How many times have you hosted? One. Think you'll ever get there? I'd have to be a part of something really successful. I'm hoping to just be in the two-timers club. Yeah, that would be amazing. And what was the experience like hosting a show called Saturday Night Live? Was it alike?

And this is a lot of people say Saturday Night Live is a lot like high school when they come back to. it, you know? So is it a lot like you graduated high school and a year later, you came back and you beat up the principal? Yes. Great. And you were like, hey, you can't push me around anymore. Here's one to the gut. Yeah, the principal. The principal.

Well, because the principal was always bullying me. Right. Who's the principal in this case? The audience. Oh, got it. Yeah. I beat up every member of the audience. Right.

Because you know me. I like beating up. Mm-hmm. just punches. Yeah, you're... Kicks and punches. And that's something that we want to talk about here on the show because we like to talk about an actor's pain.

Uh-huh. You're quick to the temper, aren't you, my friend? I've got a short fuse and I've got the muscle to back it up. Short fuse, short dick, wide dick, wide fuse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a chode fuse. By the way, chode definition is just wider than length. So for all you know, it's incredibly long, but just way more thicker.

Right. Yeah. It's like 10 feet long, but 11 feet wide. Oof. Andy, Brooklyn 9-9, back on the air. And when we last saw Dr. Jake Somansky, he was being convicted in a court of law. And I'm a firm believer in rule of law. Yeah.

And that's what I want to talk about. The courts always get it right. Right. Yeah. And- Especially when it comes to country. Yep. And whether or not to prosecute them.

Uh-huh. Are you going to be dealing with those, tackling those issues? Uh, oh, shit, are you all right, man? Sorry, I'm just like texting my lawyer. Uh-huh. In a way. Okay, good. When we last saw you, the fate of your very existence here outside of prison was being decided upon by three incredible hackers.

who were in the, who were in a TGI Fridays type establishment. Yeah. Hey, hey, it's Wednesdays. Hey, hey, it's Wednesdays. And when I saw you and Dan Gore over the summer and we did a Brooklyn 9-9 talkback or talked about the show that I moderated, Dan said to me, you know what, we, this isn't a promise or anything, but I'm pretty sure the hackers have to come back in the season premiere. It feels like it should happen. It's coming up in like very soon in a day or so.

When do we film this? This is tough. We kind of polled everyone. Uh-huh. Sounds good so far. Yeah. I don't know why he said this is tough. This is like the hackers for the season premiere.

What does everybody think? And when I say polled everyone, I mean everyone. Like everyone at Fox, everyone who's on a show on Fox. Uh-huh, and other networks and also everyone. The cast of the Mick? Everyone in the country and also all the other countries. Okay, wow. So are you talking about every single living person on Earth?

I am. Okay, great. We're talking billions of heads. Okay. The unanimous consensus. Unanimity, meaning every single person. Every member of the planet Earth race of human came back with a firm don't do it. Really?

And let me just say, I was in shock. Wow. Even though I voted against it. Wait. You were in shock. Well, I thought I was just being like the counterculture guy. Oh, sure. But that's, yeah, you're always just like double-tap ticket guy.

But I'm going to vote no, just to fuck with the system. And then it was like, oh, 100% now. Right, right. So, well, this is what I'm saying is, you know, when you have a system like this, was there an electoral college type system as well? You lost the electoral and the popular. Well, I can imagine when the popular is unanimous the way it was. It's very easy to lose the electoral.

Yeah. Yeah, it was a big overall just thumbs down. And the weird part is they like the other two hackers quite a bit. Really? Oh, okay, so it was singled out on me. It was you kind of brought down the ship. Yeah, you were the iceberg that hit the Titanic. Oh, wow.

Okay. Well, you know, you win some, you lose some. Sometimes you lose unanimously. But I would love to have the hackers back maybe further down the line. Sure. Of course. Of course. Of course that's going to happen.

By the way, when you moderated our Qaeda, You and A. Yes. You asked some tough questions. Did I really? Yeah. I didn't mean to. Well, you sent to chill through the room a few times.

In what way? What did I say? I was just trying to think of any question. You did make it tough because you were like, are they really going to go to jail? No one wants to see that, right? And the whole audience was like, yeah, we don't want to see that. And we were like, yeah, we're already doing episodes about that. There's nowhere to go.

Did I really say that? Something like that. I mean, I want to see it. And then you were like, we want to see it. we want to see more sexual assault on the show. No, I did not say that. Yeah, we were like, that's a fucked up thing to say, Scott. I do believe that I brought up if the show was going to end

at season five or not, which I shouldn't. You did ask that. So when are you guys getting canceled already? I didn't phrase it like that. Everyone took it like that. Sure. But at the same time, Dengor was constantly trying to neg me. You have to admit that too.

He has a frantic energy. He does, he does. He's probably listening right now. You like he read the book the game. Right. He was peacocking and megging. Yeah, he was. He was doing magic tricks.

And now you guys are married. Mm-hmm. We love each other. Yeah. Andy, uh, Brooklyn 9-9, of course, back on September 26, 930. Really hitting that. I appreciate that. What do we have in store this season?

I mean, uh, what are we talking? 22 Eps? Yeah, 22 full. Mm-hmm. With commercials. You ever in the middle of an Epp, are you kind of like, you know, this one's not good? Let's just cut it here. Uh, yes, and I'm often told, no, that's not an option. So we just make it air it anyway.

Mm-hmm. Now, I heard something about television programs the other day, which I thought was fascinating. It was a glimpse behind the curtain about how TV is made. Now, when you watch a television show, uh, they're usually in half hour hour blocks, but they have commercials in the middle of them. So the actual content of the program ends up being about 22 or 21 minutes. 21 and a half. 21 and a half in your case. Now, what I heard is that you film third. and then you try to sell the commercials and if you sell any, then you find stuff to cut out. Is that how it is? No. You definitely did not hear that.

And there was such a long wind-up. That's just what I heard is all I'm saying. Just to say a bunk fact. Who'd you hear that from? Lederd Nimoy. Donald Fox, head of the Fox Network. He might have been a cartoon Fox. I saw him on Splash Mountain.

It was like the Carfax Carfax Carfax. Carfax Carfax. That's got you on. That is its show. That's the show. Yeah. The Carfax Carfox. Not since the caveman has something so clearly been needing a show.

Product integration right there. What do we, what's going on for Dr. Jake this season? Dr. Jake Samanski. All kinds of crazy shenanogoods. I can't say for sure. Are we hearing, done, dun dun dun, dun. Dun-da-da-da-da-da-uh. That's the funeral march.

No, he's not going to die. He's not going to die. Too bad. That's what every actor wants to play a corpse in a coffin, don't they? Right. Well, there's so many zombie shows now. Yeah, that's true. I mean, but the inside the coffin. Vampire show.

Because a lot of people don't know this, like up until about 1970, 1975, anytime you saw a corpse in a coffin, it was the actor who played the role, what they would do is they would film it and then they would just pause it so that the person was just eerily still. But then high definition televisions being what they are, everyone started looking at the end, people getting used to special effects. You then had to hold your breath and try not to move.

And that's hard as an actor. That's the ultimate challenge. Okay, that's not true. But I will say I was in a sketch, my first season, SNL, the T-Shannon-Shannon wrote, where I was the corpse. It was like a funeral sketch, and I was the corpse, and it was really hard to stay still for that.

It's tough. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. And I got a boner. What? Yeah. At the thought of being dead? Yeah, just I was getting off on that.

But you couldn't tell because I got a chode. Right. Was the bottom part of the... It almost broke the sides of the coffin? Right, yeah, not the top. Tell us some more SNL stories. When people listen to this show, they don't want to hear us just goofing around. They want to hear prime SNL stories.

Tell us one of your best. Let's see. I don't know, man. It was boring. Yeah. Top. Dream S&L cast. Dream S&L cast.

Yeah, you got to pick eight people and what of them has to do update. Let's see. You got to start with Piscopo. Yep. You ever see that UCLA, live at UCLA special he did on Halloween? No. Check that one out. You know what I'll say?

Everyone always does the Piscopo joke, which I just did. But when you watch those old ones, he was like... He's one of the good people on it. Yeah. He was just because he was there with Eddie Murphy and then he got buff, he became that. Yeah. I feel like people talk shit about Catan a lot now, too. And Catan fucking destroyed on his smell.

Yeah. It makes me pissed. Yeah. What's he up to? Let's get him on the phone. Let's get him on the eight. Let's get him on your top eight. He's definitely up there for me.

I mean, who else he got? I hate this question so much. Who's in yours? Who's your number one? Charlie Chaplin, the little tramp. Yeah. Okay. One of the three chaps.

One of the three chaps, yes, of course. Have we ever talked about the three chaps publicly? Okay, I don't believe we have. Should we talk about the three chaps here? I mean, I guess so. It's weird without Akeva here. Okay, yeah. Our production company that made an Akiva shingle.

Schingle, yeah. Yeah, that Andy, myself, and Akiva shaffer. Slapped on the end of the Bolton special. Yeah, the three chaps. And that's used only between the three of us. The three of us have to be involved. Have you ever, like, put the image out there and seen if anyone could get it? I've asked people about it.

No one has inquired on their own accord. Maybe we shouldn't say who the three chaps are and see if people can guess. Take a look at the Bolton Valentine's Day special. One of the production cards at the end is the three chaps and we each are one of the chaps. And we've talked about Charlie Chaplin, the Little Tramp. He's very recognizable.

Yeah, that one is the easy one. It's the silhouettes of three chaps. And see if you can name all three chaps. And maybe guess which one of each chaps we are. Yes, exactly. Because we all have distinct personality. that line up to the three chaps. I will also say, now I don't totally remember which ones we are.

I think I definitely know who I am, and I'm sort of wondering which one is which on you and Akiva. Okay, great. All right. Okay. So, uh, Brooklyn 9-9. We don't have to talk about the show. Let's not talk about it.

Yeah. Forget it. So dream SNL cast. Wait, so you, that was my little trap to get you talking about that. There's too many. You have, here's a question. Say they had, say they had SNL, but for middle-aged people.

Because you know how SNL is, it's always like people in their 20s or maybe early 30s, and then everyone's like, I'm tired of doing this and they move on to other things. But if it was like American Idol with American Juniors, remember American Juniors, the spinoff? That never happened. I know someone who was on that. Is that a real thing? It is a real thing. Yeah.

American Idol was so popular. it was a summer show that come September, I believe, they did, before they were going to do another edition of American Idol, they did American juniors and everyone had to be under 12, I believe. It's like Muppet Babies. Yeah, exactly. So Muppet Baby, yeah. So say they did Saturday Night Live, middle-aged. Is that something you would be interested in being a cast member on? Yeah, in a few years.

Thanks, Scott. But you know what I mean? I'm youngish. seeming sometimes in the right light. But every once in a while on SNL, there would be one of those years where suddenly it's a bunch of middle-aged people, like the Chris Elliott year.

Chris Elliott and Michael McKeon, you know, they both joined. It was all the years where they get people that already have had success. Yes, exactly. But then now, I think for the, ever since then, for 20 odd years now, it's just been like young people, young people, young people.

What is defined as middle age? 40 on? Like 40 to 50s? Let's say 40 to, to 55. 50, 50, wait, yes, who's this?

55 to 70. 55 to 70 is middle age now? I think so, yeah. Who's this? Who's this? I'm nobody. I'm just, I'm lost. Oh.

I'm sorry. Sorry, did you just wonder in the studio, sir? I couldn't help it over here in your conversation, and I just wanted to chime in very quickly. It's a very small room. Middle age, I think, is 55 to 70. Okay, what do you call pre-middle.

Okay, bye. God, what a weirdo. Yeah. I wonder what you call pre-middle-aged. I don't understand why that guy was naked. I get that he was lost. Yeah, I understand that. Yeah.

So lost naked and afraid? Is that a show? Maybe we're on... Not afraid. No, he's not afraid at all. He's not a coward. Just lost a naked. Okay.

And he's sure that middle age starts at 55. Okay, so say middle aged 30s and 40s. They call it middle age. Or no, they don't call it middle age. They call it SNL 30s and 40s. Okay. So. SNL or SNL, SNL 40, 40 and 40.

I think it would depend on the cast. Who's like your S&L dream cast? This is a question that popped in my head. Well, who's like, who's not, who's 40? Who is it like, I guess? Who would be basically the cast I was there with? Yeah. Yeah.

That'd be fun, right? Like Hater and, uh-huh. I don't know if Hater's 40 yet or not. He either is or is about to be. Okay. So, say it's 40 and 50. Suds is, wigs in her 40s, I think. So we get Horatio, you know, we get Catan back, you know, we get all the people from the 90s.

It'd be fun. It'd be fun, right? Farrell would do it. Yeah. He would definitely do it. He would definitely do it. So we'd do it. So we'd do it.

So we'd basically be my generation and the one before it. Yeah. Just coming back and doing the show. But not doing SNL in place of the cast. Yeah, it would be a different SNL. A different SNL. And it's like, hey, these people have more experience. It's why should S&O be like, you know, professional sports like baseball or something where you age out of it?

This is like the three-on-three league ice cube has started for basketball. Exactly. And that's what I wanted to talk about. Yeah, okay. Is the Cube coming in? Cube's in. Okay. Cube is doing an update.

Oh, I meant to the studio. Oh, but I would fucking love to watch Cube do update. Just once. Oh, my God. Just once, let him do update. He'd be good at it. I think he would be good at it. Look at it in his sort of like 21 Jump Street character.

Yeah, that would be fun to watch. That would be really good to watch. Why has no one done that? Yeah. What if they did S&L one whole season of just musicians as the cast? That'd be good. You know who I bet would be good at it? Taylor Swift from the California's.

Taylor Swift from the Californians on the 40th? Right. You think that that would be good. That was her audition as far as it. Are you choking up? You're getting emotional. This makes me cry to think about it because it was so good. Musicians all want to be comedians.

and comedians all want to be musicians, what about one year, comedians and musicians switch? And that's in every job, not just SNL. That's like all musicians, they come and have to be on all of our TV shows. Okay. And then we get to tour of the country being in bands. So we get to, but they have to. Yes. I think you answered your own question.

Yeah, maybe you're right. But so give me a few examples of what you'd want to see. Okay, so just on Brooklyn Nine-N-9, for instance. Yeah. You know, why? Why aren't Tegan and Sarah on Brooklyn 9-9? That's a great question. Who would they play? They would play Jake and Amy.

Okay. Perfect. And they would have to be in romance scenes together. And then what show do you think Kid Rock would play? Who would he be? That's tough because Kid Rock is the consummate entertainer, 360 degrees. Also, is he technically a musician anymore? I think he's just strictly a politician.

Yeah, I'm not really sure about that. The Kid Rock conundrum is where this whole thing falls apart. The kidnundrum. The kidnundrum. Thank you. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it works. It's great. Yeah. It's really good. It's good to be on. But what band member would you take the place of? Ooh. You don't want to pick, do you want to pick an indie band or maybe you pick your wife?

You and your wife just swap. You do a swap. She would definitely do better than I would. She would be really good on Brooklyn 9-9, and you playing the harp would be. My harp skills, shockingly, are not. as good as you might guess. Isn't that horrible that a musician can come in and take an actor's job and the chances of them being good are high? Yeah. And the reverse is always terrible. Very bad. Really bad. Yeah. Well, it's easier to talk than to suddenly know how to play an instrument.

Right. To have years of practice on a very hard thing. That said, if I switched with a rapper who was maybe slightly humorous. Right. So like a Lil Yadi. Yeah. Me and Lil Yadi would be a good swat. Yeah, so you could be out there, I spy with my little eye. I can pull that off. Yeah, definitely. I see you doing that. Yeah. And so then Lil Yati is playing Jake Sabansky on Brooklyn 9-9.

Dr. Jake. He would also do well. That's an honorable doctorate, right? Your character, honorary, I mean. Honorary, yeah. An honorable doctor. He's an honorable doctor. He doesn't have any malpractices.

No sexual authority. Which, by the way, doesn't mean that they're not honorable. It's just they've been accused. Yeah, exactly. So, proven guilty in a court of law. All lives matter. definitely is where we want to get to this. No, no, no, no, no.

What? What? That's not. Is there an episode about All Lives Matter this year? Of Brukeleyn? Briochlewle. Briochlein 9-9 on Tuesdays. Rilkelein 9-9.

No, there's not an All Lives Matter app. Do you remember back when those early IMAX first came out? Do you hear that? Yeah, sorry. I'm taking a piss and a fishbowl. Okay. No problem. Got a heavy flow.

Do you remember when those computers first came out Because I'm a much out. They had that thing where you... Right, of course. Yeah. The thing where you could type in stuff and then make the computer say it and how fun that was. Yeah. When you first said IMAX, I thought you were talking about like IMAX theaters.

Oh, yeah. Remember those? Where you could make them say anything? When they were playing the movie say anything. Yeah, and it was the law. And you were like, man, I don't know that I need to see say anything in IMAX. It's kind of just stretching his face. Cusack's got some big pores.

You're like, it's a big-ass boombox. attached to some big ass arms. Oh, I guess everything is big ass. Well, Brooklyn 9-9 certainly, unless something happens that's crazy, like, I don't know, what could possibly happen where they would say, you know what, let's not put on Brooklyn 9-9 this week. Let's just, you know, what could happen? Like, someone comes over and goes, I got a better show. Why do you keep talking about my show getting canceled? Like, every time I see you and we're talking publicly.

I'm trying to say chances are 99.9% it's certain that this show will be on the air September 26, 930. That's true. Yeah, that's all I'm trying to say is like. Unless we get nuked. That's personally where I was going. Yeah. Is if we get nuked, they probably have better things to air on TV. Yeah.

But barring nuclear disaster, Brooklyn 9-9 premieres September 26, 9.30 p.m. Andy Sandberg and the gang. Do you plug things this much? Of course. saying what time things are on this much. Of course, nine, third people, we need, we need people to know, 9.30, and this is not 9.30 a.m. This is, this is almost the exact opposite. Like 12 hours, just flipping the script. We talked about that earlier. Yeah, script flipping. So, do you think you're, do you think on the set, you'll play a fun prank on like Chelsea or something,

going over and flipping her script? Um, yeah, when she comes back from maternity leave. Is she not back yet? She hasn't, she's not in the early EPS? Yeah, she had a bed. I know she had a baby, but She's not in the early ups, yeah, she's on she's still Not. ML. She's trying to get in fighting shape, in a camera ready shape? Yeah, she's like Rocky and Rocky 4.

Right. Just punching meat, saw and logs. Mm-hmm. Saw and logs, sleeping? Yeah. Catching some zes. Seems like if you spend more time on the former than the latter, then. Yeah.

So Brooklyn 9. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Well, we're going to a commercial. I have to like wrap up. up. God. Can we take a break? Can I reset?

Brooklyn 9-9? You want to take a break from our relationship? Yeah. We were on a break. Remember that? Oh, my God, we're friends. All right. Brooklyn 9-9, September 26, 930.

Jake and the gang are back up to no good. Or they're up to good, depending on, you know, what side of the quills. They're up to good. Yeah. That's a more fun way to look at the show. They're like what you wish cops were. Do you get cops, and we're going to go to a break, but do you get cops coming over and going, thank you so much for finally portraying cops the way that they actually are?

Yes, that does happen occasionally, and I will say it's really nice because obviously there's a lot of awful cop stories out there, and I think a lot of them are real, but there's also a lot of really good cops. I've had good experiences with cops and bad experiences in my life. So it's nice to feel like, because being a cop is a terrifying prospect. It's a terrifying prospect, but it still is probably fun, and you guys focus on the fun stuff. Yes. There's definitely detectives and people that we've talked with that are like, oh, I knew a guy just like this. Yeah, exactly.

Have you ever talked to Harvey Keitel about that bad lieutenant movie and said, like, our experiences seem very, very different? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's go to a break. We'll be right back with Andy Sandberg, our guest of honor, and we have some wonderful guests coming up as well. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang, bang, bang.

We're back here with Andy Samberg of Brooklyn Nine-N-N-N-N-N-I-9. I don't know if I mentioned it, but it'll be on season premiere, September 26, 9-30. You guys have switched times. 9-30 now, new time slots. So make sure, and you're after the Mick. Yes. Uh-huh. And so make sure you watch out for that and then watch every successive week after that.

Because, you know, a season. is 22 episodes and when they, you know, watch them all, touch them all, as they say in baseball. And you know, we actually shoot 30 episodes. And then you see if you can sell all 30 to the network and most of the time you can only sell 22 or 23. Yeah, that's standard. Yep, great. And Andy, you have any other projects coming up?

You got anything there in the hopper that we need to be aware of? I think it's just this season of Brooklyn 9-9 and then I'm calling a quits. Yeah, you're done. Yeah, I think I've said all I have to say. You're going to alert the media? Uh-huh. Andy Sandberg, done.

But then I'm going to come right back like LCD sound system. Yep, great. Take two years off and then you're back. Kind of just shrug about it. Yeah, just Jay-Z as well. Uh-huh. Jay-Z pulled off a similar move. Sinatra.

Very similar. Jordan, although he went and played baseball, so it doesn't really count. Maybe you should play baseball for a little while. I'd love to. That'd be fun. If Tim Tebow can do it, why couldn't I? Of course. good athletes.

We both have a similar faith in God. Well, it's always good to have you on the show, but now we must turn our attention to our next guest. You know what? If Rookland 9-9 watching it certainly has taught me anything, it's that you're an expert at sharing the screen and sharing the

stage with other people. It's a quality ensemble, yes. I like it. I can play with others, as I like to say. And you're wonderful being the star, but you're also great in backing other people up. That's true. And those, I am great at those.

Those qualities are what I'm going to, the backing other people up are what I'm going to call upon you now and enlist you to do because we have another guest coming to the program right now. And I, yes. Do you want me to blow you like in the doors? In the doors movie? Yeah. Or just in these doors.

While you talk to them, I can blow you like when Jim Morrison's ladies. Who blows who in the doors? I haven't seen it since opening night. Who played the woman? Is it Meg Ryan? The woman. I don't know Jim Morrison's girlfriend's name. I'm sorry.

Yeah, but I mean, that's indicative of every Hollywood movie, The Woman. Yeah, I'm not here to like say that I subscribe to like the sexism of movies. So that's what you think is movies should have one woman in them. Played by Meg Ryan. There were two women in the doors. There's the woman. And Ray Manz-Erake. Who was, I think, Meg Ryan, who was his girlfriend.

I believe so. there was like the witchcraft lady who was the girl he was cheating with. What is this movie I saw about it? I don't remember anything about it. And I don't remember either of their names because I only know one name of any character in the Doors movie. And it's Jim Morrison. I don't even know the other names of the dudes in the doors. You have to admit, though, that Oliver Stone, when he made that movie,

it was just as much about the 60s as it was about the doors themselves. I don't agree with that. You don't agree with that? No. Fuck you! Anyways, there's a scene in the movie where he's so drunk. and like on drugs and stuff that he can't focus and sing. Did you just see this movie?

No, but I thought a lot when I was younger because it was on cable. Right. You saw that scene a lot. I just wearing out the tape. If I was going to watch a scene, you can barely even see anything. Yeah, I know. What scene was your classic jerk-off scene from the 80s or 90s? I never really jerked off the scene. Fast times at Ridgemont High is one of the classic ones where the Phoebe, whatever name is,

they would. Oh, the whatever her name is. The person who played the woman. You piece of shit. You're a piece of shit. All right, let's get to our next guest. That scene actually does have someone jerking off in it, though. I feel like I wouldn't want to do that.

To be like simultaneous to a fictional character jerking off? He keeps cutting back to him jerking off. Yeah, but when you watch a porno movie, the star of the porn movie, the porn star, is usually doing exactly what you're doing, although I don't know. I don't know. So you watch porn where a guy's jerking off, watching a screen? Yes, of me jerking off. I don't masturbate.

All right. Did we get that clean? Okay, good. We're going to use that as a drop in future shows. Wonderful. All right, let's get to our next guest. He is a politician. That's wonderful to hear.

That's correct. More people should be out there trying to make a difference in their own communities, and we'll certainly hear about his. I don't have your name, sir. All I have is politician. Oh, first of all, down here, look down here. I'm looking at empty air. Certainly, you couldn't be lower than that.

I'm very small. At eye level. I'm looking at empty air eye level. That's about where a human being should be. That's not where I am. So you're saying to look downward? Look downward, and you shall see me. Certainly I'll look two inches lower.

Nope, lower. Not seeing anything. All right, three inches. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Nope, nothing.

Please, I pray you, look a little tiny bit lower. I'll add three feet to it, but no more. Whoa! There I am. There you are. Allow me to introduce myself. Please do. I am Mayor Junius Bobble Doodery.

Come on. What? Spell it. J-U-N-I-U-S-B-B-B-B-L-E-D-O-N-A-R-Y, Junius B-A-Dudery. My apology. Junius Bopatra. Yes, I'm the mayor of the people that live inside the walls. Oh, wait a minute.

I've heard of these people. Yes. No, wait a minute, no, I haven't. This is ridiculous. You haven't heard of us? People live inside the walls. Andy, have you heard about these people? Yeah, the littles.

Oh, the fictional little. No, not the littles. We're not the borrowers. Okay, yeah. Oh, I didn't think I was going to come up against this. Wait, are you mice? What's that? Are you mice?

No, I'm clearly a little guy. I don't know. I mean, it's just as weird to have a little human being as it is an anthropomorphic mouse. Yeah, that may be, but I'm a guy. You're wearing a hat. I can't see if you have mouse ears. Okay, let me take my hat off. I'm a person. And also, I can't tell if you're, you have a tail because you're wearing pants. I don't have a tail. Take your pants off.

Here we go. Whoa. Yeah. Happy? No, tail. That's right. Oh, butthole. Okay. Look, I hold elected office. This is humiliated.

This looks bad to my constituents that I take my pants off for this guy. I beg your part, we're not taking photos, though. This is it. Oh, thanks. An oral media. Appreciate it. I'm so happy when I got here to be interviewed. And now, what a drag this is.

This is an oral medium like that Doors movie, I guess. Oh, boy. You're sexist. You're a piece of. Dog shit, human. So Mayor Junius. Please call me. Mayor Bobbletudery.

Mayor Bobble Dutery. So sorry. Call me Julius. All right. There are a race of human beings living inside the walls? I mean, we're not technically human beings. We're our own species. Are you magical creatures?

No, I wish we were. We're just little. And do you choose to live inside of the walls? Well, it's safer that. because we're out of the way of cats, dogs, and so forth. Ah, I see. Where we're an ancient race of people, we've always lived inside the dwellings of human beings. I see.

How ancient? Oh, well, how ancient are human beings? And their dwellings. Okay, well, the earth is approximately 2,000 years old. I beg it fun. One of these guys, huh? So dwellings probably were in the first hundred years. From the days of the cavemen, we lived inside the...

Walls of the caves. Really? We would burrow in there and our little holes, our little hidey holes. Did your ancestors look like cavemen then as well? Of course, yeah. Like long. We totally mimicked human evolution. We were little guys with big crazy foreheads.

And like big clubs and like cheetah underwear. Of course, cheetah underwear. The whole dine. Right. And then you mimicked human beings as they progressed. We evolved alongside. Powdered wig. Yes, Susan Powder.

What? Powdered wigs during the 1700s? Yes, that's right. Susan Powder? I thought you mentioned Susan Powder. What is your relation to Susan Powder? Susan Powder was one of us at one point. What?

She got big. She was enlarged? Yes, she made a wish. What about Daniel Powder? Daniel Powder? He's just a regular... Who's that again? Who's Daniel Powder again?

Is that the guy who thinks had a bad day? Oh, is it? Probably. Yes, we are an ancient race of people. We live in the dwellings of human. beings. Were you created the same way that human beings were by God himself? Okay.

I didn't, I tried to. Was there a little tiny atom that a rib was taken out of? Talking about religion is a bit of a third rail in politics where I come from. Oh, okay. You know, I know it's we, that's a little different in my society that it is yours. Okay, so you don't know the origins of your species. I mean, it's, you know, however human beings came about, we came about. Right.

Okay. You know, it's like maybe even, you know, smaller things crawled out of the ocean and came us. Okay. Okay. Okay. I did not expect to be having this debate. Scott. Sorry to interrupt.

Scott, do you believe in God? Of course I do. Oh. I got to go. What? Huh? Aren't you? I got to go to the church.

Okay. Great. Andor's synagogue place. What do you call it? Huh? You've been there, right? I need to go to a holy house and just an H-H. Observe.

So Mayor, oh, you said to call you Juniors. Yeah, let's go back to Mayor Bobble Dutory. I don't like the way this interview is going. Mayor Bobble Dutory. This is why I don't often engage with the media. It's not Bobble Dutory. It's Bobble Doonery. Sorry, I wrote that down wrong.

Oh, boy, this is, I got to say, you're being very disrespectful. You spelled it very quickly. Well, I was asked to spell it. How slowly am I supposed to spell my own name? How does it spell it again? J-U-N-I-U-S, B-O-B-B-B-B-B-L-E-D-O-O-N-A-R-Y. B-R-U-R-W-D-R-Y. Now you've heard it twice.

Okay, I got it now. I'm locked in. So tell me something, like, take these walls here in the studio. Yes. Is this like a one-story wall here, but is this like an expensive high-rise for people like you? Well, I mean, everything, yeah, everything, because we're little. Yeah, so it's like a, it's. This is like a 20-story building for you.

Yes, this is a huge deal. Wow. Yes. Yeah. So this is where... This is like Trump Tower. This is where the mayor's mansion is in this Earwolf studio building. Really?

Yes, I live here. Incredible. I've been here longer than you. Can you imagine? I can't imagine. I remember when you guys moved in. Really? Yes.

My constituents were very upset. I bet. We're making all sorts of racket. People dying? This used to be a pot dispensary. Did it? Really. So they were upset that the pot dispensary was leaving?

It was very quiet. Mm-hmm. So now... Except for the constant reggae music being played to the offices. Oh, boy. You know something about that, Andy. Constant reggae music? Yes, I'm a big fan of reggae.

And dance hall. You guys want to talk about that? Yeah, let's talk about it. Sure. What do you got? What is it exactly? What's the difference? Well, it's like a dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

I mean, there's a lot of crossover. Mm-hmm. I'm not going to talk about it. Okay, great. Done. I just, look. Yes. I'm just here.

I just want to tell people about us. Okay. So you're revealing your existence now. Well, yeah. Some people know about us. Here's the thing. Because I have to say, there are people of all sorts of shapes and sizes of the human race. Tell me about it.

And they have been up to this point perfectly willing to coexist with each other. Right. There are people. Wait, what are you talking about? You're talking about humans coexisting with each other? Yes, but I mean different sizes of humans coexisting. coexisting with each other. So like people are allowed to be fat or skinny or tall or short.

Yes, and we're perfectly fine with that. That's the only thing that we're perfectly fine with. Even that sometimes not great, right? Yes. But what I'm saying is... Like you've got your sort of... You're trying to hold yourself up as a model of, you know, tolerance. Tolerance and understanding.

Yes. Which, I mean, come on. Who, me? The human race. The human race. Yes. Well, I'm just saying that it's a little odd for one whole... section of people to extricate themselves from society just based upon their size.

It's never happened before as far as I know. How would you? Yeah, as far as you know. Wait, are there bigger people like giants that have, that have? Yes. Really? They're so big you can't even see them. What? Yes, that's how big they are.

How big? They go away up in the sky. What do we think they are? Oh, all kinds of shit. We think they're like. Like the sky itself is? Yeah. Every, I'm going to say every 10th building is actually a really tall person.

Whoa. Yes. Wow. So is it okay to curse in politics? I mean, we're not politics right now, right? I mean, here's the thing. I come from a place where the people aren't all about God all the time. And if people use foul language, it's no big deal.

You know what I mean? Everyone curses. They say shit or they say fuck or whatever. Or grab them by the pussy. Nope. Come on. No. No.

No person would ever say that. So what are you doing here? I just want to say, and you raise the idea of us removing ourselves from society. Yes, you're revealing yourself now to the human race. That's exactly right. How many people in your race are there as compared to the, I don't want to say, normal-sized, what would you call us biggies? You could say the human race. The human race.

I would rather not say what we call you. I think you would find it very offensive. Really? Yes. Okay. I would call us chodees. Well, that's just he has a chode. Everyone does.

It's like, all of a sudden, talk about alternative facts. Is it one to one though? Are there as many of you as there are of us? Yes. Exactly. And this causes the problem because we have to keep up the numbers. So when a human being is bored, we have to hurry up and have one of our race to be born. So do you have to induce birth early?

Yes. Well, I mean, as early as we can and have it be safe for the mother and the child. So are there a few days here and there where it's not exactly one-to-one? Yeah, sometimes weeks or months. I mean, it's we'll hear of someone being born on earth. And then it's like, hey, you two, where's that child? Hurry up. How do you hear about someone being born on earth?

We need the newspaper, birth and auspice. What about when someone dies, too? Do you have to kill one of your? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Wow. And it's an all-volunteer system.

really volunteer. It's like the Hunger Games in a way. Well, but it's a lot simpler. I guess I'm thinking of Jennifer Lawrence volunteered. She's the only one to really volunteer in the Hunger Games. Well, because people were volunteered by the different segments. Correct, correct. What did they call them?

I don't know. Yeah, well, she wanted to protect her family or something. Her little sister. Her little sister, right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. What did they do with who's that actor who passed away? You're done being interested to me, little tiny guy? lives in the walls?

Yeah, who's that guy? You know, I thought that you were sexist before, but now I realize you just don't know names. I don't know anything. Yeah. Thank you. But me, I'm the bad one. Oh, yeah. No, you know names, so you're sexist.

Anyway, back to the walls I go, I guess. Oh, no, no, come back. Oh, really? You sure? Yeah, so what are you doing here? I want everyone to know that we exist, and I want everyone to embrace us as a sort of cousin of the human race. We don't want to hide anymore.

We want to come out of the walls and be friends with mankind because we consider ourselves, you know, related to you in some way. We look just like you. We act like you in many ways. We have a society. We were all over the world. Some of us are in space. We had to go up in the International Space Shuttle.

That's right. Do you have your own space shuttles, tiny ones, or do you go up in the regular size? We board holes into the regular size. Oh, okay. Have you guys made anything or do you just bore holes in all of our shit? Well, here's the thing. We make do with what is around.

And so sometimes we consider human beings nice enough to lend us things without their consent. So you've never made anything of your own. We've made things out of existing things. Like we'll take a thimble and we'll make it into a table. Like that kind of stuff. But what do you make chairs out of it? thimbles or tables. Well, you know those

discarded champagne cages? Sure. We make those in chairs all the time. Wow. Okay. That was a nice, nice thought. Mm-hmm.

Sorry? I was very impressed. You pulled that. Oh, well. I mean, it's just what happened. It's just what happened. I know. That's like me saying,

George Washington was our first president and you going, wow, I'm impressed. I am impressed with that knowledge. Oh, thank you. I don't know the names of the presidents, but I do know that Jim Morrison's girlfriend's name was Pamela Corson. Oh!

Did you know that, Mayor Bubble? Bobble! Bumble! How dare you! Look at your whiteboard. I remember I turned the doors off pretty early. I wasn't into it. I was a big doors fan

anyway. Were you seeing it in a normal size theater? Yeah. That must be like IMAX to you. Every movie is like IMAX to us. Unlike an iPhone, it's IMAX. No, an iPhone is like regular-sized movie screen. And then iPad is IMAX. iPad is probably like

Cinerama. And then, you know. A television, a normal size television screen would be like. What's a normal size TV screen these days though? You know what I'm saying? That's true. They're getting smaller sometimes. It's crazy. No, they're getting bigger. What are you talking about? I don't know.

Why would TV screens get smaller? Because people are, I don't know. I mean, we would want that, but that's not happening, Jack. Is it, yeah, are things ever too big for you? Most times, yes. You're worried about the thimble, right? I did. Take a thimble, we put a coat button on there.

That's a table. Got it, got it. Got it? And then you're fashioning like ironworks out of this campaign. And it's hard to do because, you know, we're little. Sure. You don't have the proportional strength of a regular-sized human being. Oh, why would we?

Well, Ray Palmer the Adam has that, so I just wondered if you shared those qualities. No, I don't share those qualities with your weird, to comic book people. Well, guess what? You're a weird race of little people that I did not know exist until now, and you may as well be as mythical as a comic book. Let me tell you something. Yeah.

I am a duly appointed representative of my people. I come from a place where everyone is very adorable. You are adorable. Yes, I am. You know that I am. You're cute as a button, which I guess is your cute as a table. Cookies are a currency. Really?

Yes? Like regular-sized cookies or giant cookies? Little cookies. Cookie crisps. Wait, why would it be regular-sized cookies? Well, the key? Where else make regular-sized cookies? But what?

Are they giant cookies to us or to you? To you? What do you consider the regular size cookies, like regular-sized cookies, like regular to us? Proportionate to us? Yeah, I'm saying like, do you have, do you use currency as tiny, tiny cookies to us? Not to you, to us. Or do you use our regular-sized? Cuckees.

Look a quarter next to this thing so I can get some perspective. You say regular size. I guess I'm a sizest. Yeah. You are a sizest. That is what size, just then give me accurate measurements. What size are these cookies you're using as courage? Let me open up my wallet.

Here. That wallet, it looks like it's in the shape of a cookie. Yeah. It makes things easier. Right. Your wallet is shaped like money, right? Well, I mean, it's not shaped like quarters. But it is shaped like dollar bills.

You're right. it over. Can I ask the mayor a question? Yes. The upcoming Alexander Payne documentary downsizing about how people are going to do. Oh, there's more. Yeah. That wasn't a question. Yeah, didn't go up at the end. Sorry. How many of these have you done? I'm kidding you a 500 and something. So are you, is your community worried about the, our size, human race being downsized and sort of flooding your population? Yeah, that's a great question. Oh, well. Would there be a housing shortage? Yeah.

Oh, so you're... Hold on a second. I think we're talking about two different things. Are you thinking that we're concerned that the human race is going to be made smaller? Yeah. Yeah. We're not.

I mean, because that's not what that word means. What do you mean? Downsizing, but that's what happens in the movie, downsizing. The documentary. Yeah, is Matt Damon become smaller in it, right? Matt Damon's in the documentary? Yeah. Okay, guys, what's going on here?

He's getting made smaller. Guys. In real life. Guys. Look on IBM. His character's name is Matt Damon. This is a great question. Are websites the same title, even though they're bigger?

Would it be like really big, I-M-Bad? Our websites, webs that can see. What are we doing? Guys, I came all the way from out of the wall for this. It's your fault you don't know the plot of downsizing. The plot of you? The trailer came out two days ago. How have you not seen it?

Look, I'm sorry. I got stuff to do. Matt Damon gets shrunk down in it. And so are you concerned that what happens in the movie? a second. Is this, I got to ask. Let's step, let's step out of whatever ironic detachment right now. Is this movie actually called downsizing? Yes. And it is actually about a guy who's Yes. Okay. That's not good. Okay. We're not arguing with that. Should we watch the trailer while we sit here? Well, it's probably a little product placement for downsizing coming out soon.

It makes me wonder what Pamela Corson might do. Probably blow the guy who gets shrunk down. Hey, come on. We don't know what her family's up to now. So, so in this movie, movie, Matt Damon gets shrunk down. Are you concerned this is going to happen to the rest of the human race? Susan Powder got enlargent. Yeah, that was a weird day. How did that happen? As I said, she made a wish.

To whom? To the universe or to a specific being? Okay, shut up for a second. That sounds like Terran Stamp, is it? It does sound like Terran Stamp. Yes, I'm ready. Or is it Brian Cox? I bet those guys can sound like you talk.

Those are two words you don't want to hear next to each other. Wow. That's Matt Damon. That is wild, isn't it? That is wild stuff. That's weird. Weird. Wild stuff.

Do you do a Johnny Carson impression? Do you have tiny celebrities? Like, do you have a tiny Dana Carvey? Well, we don't. We know that crap about saving the planet. Downsizing is about saving yourself. We have a Dana Carvey equivalent, a guy who, He does impressions of, you know, other people.

Like a rich little, rich really little. Is that what he's called? He actually is called Rich Really Little. Okay. I'm sorry. I put this on for the mayor to understand. Oh, well, you get it. Oh, maybe I didn't make it clear.

Not interested. Mayor Bobble Dunery. Yes. You want everyone to know about you. So what? So because you want to come out of the walls and you want to live amongst us? Yes. We want to live.

We want to go around outside and not be afraid. We want to feel the grass under our, the giant grass under our feet. Right. We want to look up at the sky, not just at some beams. Right. Yes. The few times that your race has ventured outside of the walls, what's happened? Well, we're pretty much decimated every time.

Like if a group goes out, you know, they're trying to get from one place to another. They have a group on, like a tiny group on. I feel like you're. making light of everything about who I am and where I come from. I find it really fascinating how tiny everything is. It's great. Right. Okay.

It's so adorable. You're just doing this free-form word association. Sure. I'm just saying usually if a group goes out, they have a group on it. That's your world. Okay. Tell me about your world. That's what I want to know.

Oh, we go outside, I guess, where we have to get fucking food. Stuff like that. That's okay. Curseing's casual for them. That's right. So you guys are not farming on your own. You're not, you don't have tiny stores. Well, a seed could feed a few people.

So like farming, what are we going to do? Like we're going to grow some kind of crazy tree? Maybe. Well, we're not. Okay. You don't think we tried it? You're stealing all. In the days of the agrarian societies, of course, we tried that.

So you're just stealing all of our stuff. We are, you are lending it to us. And you don't even know. Isn't that great? You don't even miss it. Sounds like stealing to me. It's nothing. Dude?

Dude? Yeah. You will address me by my full name. Scott Ackerman? Yes. That's what you want to try it again? You want to try it again? Okay.

Scott Ackerman, you're a real piece of shit. I'm with Andy on this. Thank you. Well, look, Mayor Babbledood. Oh, my God. Mayor Bop. Take the time to learn your guests' names, man. Oh, how, like I haven't heard that before.

Are you a Bada Duke? Am I a Baba Duke? Yeah. What the f-are you a Loch Ness monster? Maybe. God damn. What do you think about the Babaduke being an LGBTQ symbol? I think that's fine.

I think it's weird that they're trying to get Pennywise the clown to be his partner. That's a new thing. Yeah, I saw that online the other day on somebody's computer. That's cute. The original from the TV or the movie? The Tim Curry Pennywise? That would make more sense to me. I haven't seen the new movie.

I think in the sequel, they should have a clown Pound Foolish. Why do you think that? It would be funny. Well, there's Penny Wise. No, no, no. I got it. Oh, sorry. But I want to know why you think that should happen.

Because everyone would like, they'd sit down in the theater, the trailers would come on, they'd be finishing up their popcorn, then the movie would come on, and the clown would say, hi, I'm Pound Foolish, and everyone would look at each other and go, this is fun. Like in unison? Yeah. Everyone together would say, this is fun. This is fun. I'm glad I came to this.

How about this? Let's role play this scenario. Okay, here we go. Okay. We'll all play the parts of the moviegoers, right? Great. Okay. You be the movie, Scott.

I'm the movie? You're doing double duty. You're also one of the moviegoers. Okay, I got it. Okay. We're starting from the very beginning. Hold on a second. How did these people get to the theater?

Do, do, do, do, do. Oh, Jesus. In a galaxy far, far away. Wait a minute. What? They don't say those words either. They don't. No.

Just text. This is Pound Foolish. In a galaxy far, far away. Is the name of the movie Pound Foolish? Sure. Why not? Pound Foolish also comes from a galaxy far, far away. Also, it's a hashtag.

That's the other fun part of it. It's like hashtag foolish. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. And everyone, everyone, when they show it on screen, everyone turns to each other. But is the hashtag or pound? Because it's not, you can't. It's the same thing.

Pound sign. No. So what if you wanted to do hashtag pound? What would that be? Ooh, that's not a bad idea. So it would be like two hashtags next to each other? It's not even an idea. What are you talking about?

Like if you were trying to get social media to talk about the pound. The pound sign. Right. Or like, if you want it on social media to go raise awareness of the pound sign on the telephone. It would be hashtag hashtag. Yeah, I guess. That's right. Maybe the words pound sign, then a hashtag.

Nope. Nope. Okay. Great. What about the pound symbol for the English money? Are we doing this movie or not? No, we're not. I think you know what that would be, mayor.

It would be a hashtag and the symbol for the British pound. The weird L. Yeah. The weird owl. Why drag him into this? The Weird L. Yankovic. There should be a weird owl moji. There should be like the English weird owl should be the weird and then the pound sign.

Yankevich. Are you saying like the English beat where there was Weird Al Yankovic? And then there was a London swayed. Yes. The London Weird Al. Yeah. Anytime he sells his CDs, it should be the weird and then the pound sign. That's right. Anyway, Mayor, do you have to go or are you going to stick around for the next segment? Oh, I'll stick around.

You're going to stick around. Okay, great. Well, we got to take a break. Can I sum up very quickly? Yes. Who I am and why I was here. Yeah, go ahead. And also Brooklyn 9-9, September 26th. Oh, there, Julius Bobble Tudery. I have a race of people that live inside the walls. Yeah.

I'm trying to tell human beings to be more conscious of us so that we could walk around without fear of being squashed. So you want us to watch our feet as we walk around? Yes, look down more. And also, spare new to your pets. Keep them on leashes. Are you like the tiny Bob Barker? Some people have said that.

Wow. But I've, you know, I'm not old. I'm the youngest mayor in the history of my people. How old are you? Because you're so adorable. I'm 25 years old. 25, yeah. So you've got quite a ways.

till you're middle-aged. Yeah. Yes, I do. Like 30 years. Like 55. Right. The Hagar. He can't drive it, but he certainly turned it.

All right, let's go to a break. When we come back, this is exciting. We have a former pro-scape order on the show. This is great. All right. Well, let's go to a break. We'll have more Andy Sandberg and more Mayor Junius bubble duneery. You got it.

We'll be right back after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here. Andy Sandberg. Hey. Brooklyn 9-9. former and perhaps future Saturday Night Live cast member. Yeah, what are you calling the Middle Age SNL?

S&L, flirty and 40. Flirty and 40s? Yeah. It's good, right? I know what. Oh, no. Oh, it's bad. Great.

Hard pass. Really? Really? Really? Okay. All right. Well, just you wait until it becomes a thing, and then you'll be like, why didn't they ask me?

Why didn't they ask me? That's how it wasn't it works. We also have Mayor Junius Bobble Dunery, who is a little person who lives inside the walls. These very walls, as a matter of fact. That's correct. Where do you live, by the way? Can you point to your...

Yeah, over there. Oh, okay. Great. All right. Do you see the little door? I don't. Look closer. Oh, my God.

There it is. The entrance to the bay as mention. The head of a pin is like the doorknob. That's actually what it is. That's what it is. That's what it is. We couldn't get the... We tried to hammer down the pin part, but it's like sticking out there.

So it's very... It's not great. You have to make sure, you have to, like, yell, clear the door, so that nobody on the other side will get stabbed by the door opening. But we've never heard that before because we didn't even know about your very existence. Yeah, because our voices are little. So what is, so what's the point? Well, the people on the other side of the door can hear me. Oh, on the other side. Oh, I see.

I thought you meant for us big people when you're opening the door outwards. What the fuck? You wouldn't even. What's the fuck? Yeah, you heard me. Did I stutter? Wow. You did not. Thank you.

Thank you for the stutter check. I always appreciate it. that. That's what you're good for. All right, let's get to our next guest. He's a former pro skateboarder. This is great. I love, I watch Dogtown and Z-Boys, starring Justin Timberlake. Nope. Nope. Okay. Please welcome to the show Derek Contrera. What up? What's up? What's happening? I'm blessed and humbled his shit to be here. Thanks so much for having me. You're not offended by that because... No, not at all. Curseeing is fine in politics.

What's up? What's up? Hey, Derek. It's so great. great to see you. Really good to see you too. I'm super stoked to be here. I'm, uh... This is Andy Sandberg. Hey, what's up? Hey, man. How's it going? And then if you look down, you're going to, and you're going to think, oh, slightly, two inches? Yeah, I'm looking straight ahead right now, sort of. You're going to have to go several feet. How about three inches down? No, no, that's about three more feet. Yeah, three more feet than that. Oh, shit. Hi there. Oh, a little dude. Oh, a little dude. Yeah, there. What's up, how did you know he was a dude? He put his pants back on. Oh, I, uh... I mean, what's

with you. I just assume he's got like a little mustache. I'm clearly a man. Oh, the mustache. I'm a fancy little guy. You are a fancy and adorable, I have to say. Thank you. You're super fucking cute. What, I've been sitting here for almost an hour. It took you to say it was adorable. I've told you you're adorable several times

already. You're just not hearing. Not that I recall. All right. Derek, it's so good to see you. Did you ever skateboard? I was not good. But my friends were good. Speaking of good, you were good at it. I was, yeah. I, I, I, I used to be very, very good. I'm not skating anymore.

Why not? Because I recently shattered my ass, trying to do a kickflip over a... Do you mean your coxick? Well, yeah, I broke... I shattered my ass is what it feels like. And I guess maybe some bones broke in there and my cheeks are flat. Let me get a look at these. Yeah, look at my ass.

That's the flat. That's very flat. Yeah, no, like, I used to have like a nice little butt, and now it's super flat. Yeah, I was trying to kickflip over a vat of Boiling Hot Dr. Pepper for a branded video. Right. And I fucking fell and shattered my ass. You fell into the vat? No, I didn't even get to the vat.

I never even made it near the vat. No, no. I just delivered my two-camera branded spot, and I went down the half-pipe, and I beefed it, and I shattered my ass. Got the lip? Yeah, I fucking caught the lip. Caught the lip. Yeah, you know. I know how it is.

I was very bad at skating. You caught the lip a few times. I haven't caught the lip in years. And did they name a trick after it? My trick? Like ass chatterer? Yeah, yeah. A fucked up guy is whatever.

Oh, the fucked up guy. Are people trying to replicate it because then they'll have flat asses. Yeah, no, for sure. It's catching on. And I'm out there telling people to stop doing that shit because you're hurting yourself. And a lot of people are like getting super bad hurt. Yeah. But they'll follow me.

you know, hustle juice nation will follow me anywhere. Is that what your fans are called? Yeah, yeah, that's my fans. Hustle Juice Nation. We rise and grind and make forever brands. Forever brands. I don't know what that means. You know, it's just like your life brand.

It's what you sell. It's what you make. It's who you are. Scott, it's intuitive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, okay. It's super, yeah. And he gets for sure.

Yeah, okay. It seems like you guys are teaming up on me for some of us. Yeah, no, we're moving closer together and we don't like you. Okay, Mayor Bobble Dunnery, maybe you and I could team up. Don't do it. as like we're a team now and we're against these guys. What he? What?

Like mentally. What do you? They're teaming up against. We're a team. We're a team. We're against these guys. Yeah. They're teaming up against me.

Maybe you and I can so just kind of equal against you. Why would I against you? I don't know. How is he teaming up against you? Just agreeing. We're just agreeing about things that are clearly intuitive. Yeah. Forever brands.

It's just a status thing. I don't know. I feel very low status when I get you guys. You guys are all looking at me like. No, everybody can have a Forever brand or rise and grind. It's about your mentality, Scott. Yeah, it is. Because you start out, you know, you seem like you're welcoming.

And then you ask a bunch of smart-ass questions. You know, you're disingenuous. It's almost like I'm high status for the opening segment. Yes, exactly. And then I switch to low status. But you do it to yourself because you frustrate people. You make them mad. Yeah.

You upstairs yourself. You know what? This should be the tagline for the show instead of the show where we talk to interesting people. I frustrate people and they're, I make a man. Yeah, why not? Why not? Okay, we'll try it out.

So, uh, Derek. Fuck you, Scott. Oh, sorry, I thought I was, I thought I would see what I mean. How about this? Let me try, let me try, okay, yeah, you come close to me. Yeah. So what we're wondering about for sure from the two of you, right, is what's Derek's deal? What do you hear of talking?

Yeah, is it like, let's make a deal? Is body hall involved? Uh, is it like your kind of thing? I'm not really sure. Back to their side. I don't know what either of those things are, but like, basically now I am trying to take my success that I had because I was the only skateboarder to win a gold medal and the Spike TV's Guys Choice Award for a guy we totally watch do do doggy style on our girlfriend in the same year. So, like, that was pretty huge. Wow.

Has anyone won them in separate years? Yeah, yeah, like Yeah Ryan Sheckler Yeah He won X Games gold medal And then two years later One guy we'd totally watch

Do Doggie Style on our girlfriend Right, yeah But you're You, it was simultaneous for you Yeah, it was super close between me and Miles Teller But I ended up squeak I would love to see Miles Teller Do Doggie Style on my wife

Right? I would too Love it Yeah, no, for sure I'd let him cuck me for sure For sure So basically... By the way, Olympics gold medal or X-Games gold medal?

Okay. Yeah. So basically now I am looking to... I'm not a skateboarder anymore, so I'm looking to be the opposite of a skateboarder. What is that? Is that someone who uses his feet to... No, it's a businessman. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Pretty obvious. Yeah, pretty obvious. Okay, a businessman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, for sure, for sure.

skateboarders in an urban area. Yeah. Okay? Where there's people around. Yeah. Busling City. When they're behind you, they're just walking, holding the skateboard. Yeah, for sure.

And they drop the skateboard on the ground right behind you to startle you. That's why they do it, right? It's to scare you? No, I think they're probably just, like, throwing it down to get on it and skate away. Okay. Why do they have to do it, like, right behind you? Right, yeah. Well, I think skateboarders are always, like, a little bit.

bit like fuck anybody that's on the sidewalk near me. Yeah. Right. And if anybody is... This is what it is, isn't it? Yeah. If anybody's like participating in any type of like real life stuff. It's like cyclists, the way they're sort of like, they want to take over the road and they're like, fuck you cars. Should there be, we have lanes for cars. Yeah. We have bicycle lanes and a lot of our urban areas. Should there also be skateboard lanes? Yeah. Like, I've actually been lobbying to get a skateboard lane and also a little guy who runs next to the skateboard lane with a tiny, shitty camera. I want both of those fucking lanes because I'm not skating without like my, my dumb-ass friend, Craig.

Right. How little is this guy going? Do you want this kind of be? Well, I mean, like, he needs to be like my size. Because how fast can you run? I mean, for me? Yeah. I could run pretty fast.

I've won awards. But really? Really. Like a gold medal? Yeah. Wait, did you also win a Spike guy's, a little Spike Guy's choice award for a person? that we'd most like to see Cuck. I mean, it's guy I totally watch do doggy style on my girlfriend.

They're called Mantlers. Oh, okay. Ask me if I have one, Scott. Do you have one? Yes, but it's not important. Wait, what's a Mantler? An award. That's the award you have, bro.

Mantlers. Oh, yes, yeah. You won the Mantler? I've got Mantlers. Whoa. Incredible. How many years? One. Just one. One Mantler.

Yeah. But then you're in the club. What do you call two mantlers? I don't know, what? Mantly. Okay, good, good. But I don't think Derek, I don't think you would be, because as opposed to a person our size, you're probably running at a fraction of the speed of us.

Oh, no, I forgot to mention that we run twice as fast as you would be. You do? Yes. Well, that's no good for you then because he would outpace you. I mean, like, what I'm looking for, if you want to take Craig's place, I need somebody who can film me skating at all times. and also bring me cut up hot dogs on a paper plate. Yeah, do you think you do, I mean, you forage and scavenge for cut up hot dogs, I would imagine.

That's my favorite fucking food. It's a good food. And it's just hot dogs, right? Not sausages? No, just super shitty hot dogs cut up on a paper plate. Yeah, boiled, right? And like kind of loose and just rolling around on the plate. And you don't dip it in any.

No, fuck, no, no. Good. Yeah. Good stuff. Yeah. Yeah, and my second favorite fruit is cut up hot dogs on a paper plate with ketchup. Oh, okay. Do you want the ketchup squirted on the individual hot dog segments or do you just want like a pile of ketchup?

No, I want ketchup that's been sitting in my fridge for a little bit, so it's super watery at the top. So I mostly spray out water and then get a little ketchup at the end and I close a bottle. So it's mostly ketchup water. Yeah, it's almost like sucking the nitrous out of a whipped cream bottle. It's just like that. It's just like that, yeah. You know, you can't actually get high from sucking all. of the water out of the top of a ketchup bottle.

Yeah, that's just the nitrous. Right, but you do get a tasty treat. Oh, yes. Second favorite. Second favorite. Yeah. What would it go? Would it go?

Car lane, bike lane, guy running lane, skateboard lane. Yes. Sidewalk? Uh, yeah. Okay, great. All right. Where's the car lane? Car lane is the closest to the center.

If we could get rid of the car lane. Median. What's the, let's get rid of the car lane. Uh-huh. Let's go. Bike lane This is from the sidewalk out Or from the median out?

This is from the median out to the sidewalk So we'll go Bike lane Guy running alongside My lane My lane Skateboarding Dog shitting part

Dog shitting like a whole Just dogs can shit Dogs shit there Everywhere Self-absorbed much Why don't we get a lane Little tiny people lane? Little tiny people lane

Okay yeah we'll give you something I mean that's not gonna take a lot of real estate Yeah Yeah That's your lane. Line is your lane. That's fine, but I want everyone, everyone needs to know that. Is what I'm saying?

Because people will, like, wander onto the lane and squash you. We have to all agree. Yes, exactly. Okay, sure. But do you need also bicycle lanes and do you have like little things you fashion into bicycle? Yeah, absolutely. You can partition all of those into the line. We take more of those champagne cork things and we make them into bicycles.

Why do you need bicycles if you can run twice as fast as fast as humans? It's fun to ride a bike. It is fun to ride a bike. Yeah, that's nice. Why do you need bicycles? You got cars. So not all of us can afford cars. Oh, really?

Is that the reason? You're the friend of the working bad all of a sudden? The proletariat? Well, Derek, so you want to be a businessman? Yeah, so I brought, like, I was hoping, I was hoping that may... You were opening what? Yeah, I was hoping that maybe there were some capital investor lists maybe listen to this show. Uh-huh.

Like rich people? you're sitting right next to and have sort of teamed up with a rich TV star, you know. Oh, thank you for referring to me as rich and as a TV star. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe he would be interested in investing. Okay, for sure. Yeah.

How much do you need? I think I need about like three mill. Done. Okay. Yeah. Do you want to hear a pitch first? Nope. I'm all in.

I need to take out a loan, but it's done. Okay. Of how much is this loan going to be for? Like, two, nine. Two million. You've already written three million. Yeah, you've written three million on the page already. You can just say three million.

Yeah, I'll just do a three million. Okay, yeah. Okay, great. For sure. Do you want to pitch us in case there's some investors out there? Yeah, I was wondering if I could pitch you. Yeah, go ahead. First and foremost, I consider myself a feminist.

I'm out. I pull the back in. Hold on, hold on. Just let me get through it. I swear you're going to like it, even if you're a fucking misogynist. You'll dig this. Okay, great. So the reason I consider myself a feminist is because my mom is a woman and also the women I watch in porn are too.

Great. Back in. And I was wondering, why are foods, most foods, all for men. Chili, beer, wings, ketchup, wings, all for men. Yeah. Why isn't there a food specifically made for women? That's right. Yep.

Because like when I have guys over for the big game, which I'm constantly doing. All the time. Even smaller games. There's so many big games. So many big games. I'll have all the foods that you just mentioned. Yeah, for sure. And guys love them.

Well, when I have the guys over for the little game. Are these games that your people are playing? Yes. Or are you just watching our games on Giant to you, small to us, screens? We have our own games, our little games. And broadcast? Do you have infrastructure of, We pretend to have television.

We haven't yet, we haven't figured out how to invent a tiny television. Right, yeah. So we just have little frames and that people act. It's like a play? Kind of, yeah. But like a sports play. Sports play, that's fun. Yeah, yeah.

Great. And what are the games called? Is it like in Harry Potter where they play quidditch? It has a totally new, oh, you don't like quidditch? Why would you, in a book? Why are you going to describe some sports game? Yeah. Yeah.

It's a weird choice, isn't it? It was a weird choice. Yeah. Anyway, we play a version of football, American football. Sure. Oh, great band. Where everything is smaller, including the uniforms. So everyone's running around.

Uniforms that don't quite fit. I see. So they're snug. They're very snug. They leave nothing to the imagination. I feel like I'm on ESPN. Everyone here really has a really good grasp on sports. Right.

Yeah, for sure. And the ball is smaller. It's so small that we can't see. Oh, so like a microscopic. Just about. Wow. It gets lost a lot. Right.

Oh, like 100% of the time I would have made. Not 100% of the time. Sometimes people find it. It's like finding a contact lens. That's fun. Or like finding the snitch. The what? From quittish.

Quidditch, yeah. Oh, is it? I thought it was snitch, but that's a Dr. Seuss thing, right? I don't know. Yeah, I've never heard anyone say it out loud. I've just read the word in the book. Yeah, anyway, so Derek, pitch us.

All right, so why... We all just fell off a clip. Why is there no food made specifically for women? I guess you could say, right, right, the pitch. I guess hot dogs, maybe. No, no. Okay. That's why I would like to introduce pink guacamole.

Whoa, you have some right here. Yes, so let's try this. This is pink guacamole. So women, no longer do you have to look at a regular guacamole? Like Guy Green. Yeah. Is this for me? Yeah, because green is the color of slime and frogs.

Yeah. So that's a boy color. What makes it pink? Is it an ingredient or is it food coloring? Yeah, it's food coloring. Oh, okay. We bleach out the avocados first and then. This tastes a lot like bleach and food coloring.

This is not good. So you put actual bleach into this. Yeah, a lot of people, you know how, well, you got to say it before. You know how you can agree. You know, avocados. You'll get it. Here we go. Avocados are green.

And then they go brown. Millennials spending all their money on it. Well, yeah. If you wait long enough and then also add bleach to it, it'll turn white. Okay. I would think the latter would be the reason it turns white. Well, no, you've got to wait a long time too. Right, right.

And then you... I'm sorry. How long is a long time? A week. It's not long. Comparatively, but okay. So this, yeah, it tastes really bad. But this is for women?

Yeah, this is for women. And, yeah, so I'm just, you know, I'm giving back. Wow. But this is great. To women, no longer. Is this your only example? Idea? Yeah.

It's just pink guacamole? No, no, no, no, no. I got more. I got more. Okay. I'm saying, like, what's your next one? Yeah, okay, cool, cool, cool. So, yeah, I've always,

something that I've always looked up to is recycling. Oh, I'm sorry. So we're off the food for women thing. That was the one food you had. Yes. So you have a line of food for women that... That's one product. That's my feminist idea.

Well, I heard about feminism and I like, I got a fix. So that was it. Okay, got it. I closed the notebook after that. I can see that fixing. Sexism. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Just here's a dip. Yeah. All right. So now your new idea is what? Yeah. So something I've always looked up to is, recycling. Sure.

And I've always... So you said that twice, so it's not... It wasn't a mistake. No, no, no, no. That's part of the pitch. And it really makes me sad that in 100 years, um,

the oceans will be filled up with only potato chip bags and big broken boats. Um, yeah, it's not a good image. Wait, hold on. Why? Why are they filled with big broken boats? Well, is the consequence of the potato chip bags? Yeah.

It's, um, people are like, fuck, I'm out of chips. they crash their boat, they're so pissed. Oh, okay. It was the opposite of what I thought. Are they, is it that they're distracted by the lack of chips or that they're so enraged that they, they, they, they're like, yeah, it's like suicide by, definitely the ladder, definitely that.

So you thought people broke their boats and crashed them and then ate all their chips and died? No, I thought that they'd be sailing their boats and then the potato, there'd be so many potato chip bags in the ocean that they would gum up the works of the boats. That's what I thought, yeah. Nope. This is a classic chicken or the egg. Classic. By the way, where do you fall on this?

Chicken or the egg. Oh, chicken. Definitely. Oh, I love eggs. I'm a dude, so I like bacon. Yeah. Yeah. I like cut up hot dogs on a loose on a paper plate.

That's right. We did know that. You like chicken bacon? It's always going to be reminded. Chicken bacon. So is that so what's your fix? So that's why I would like to introduce garbage dogs. Garbage dogs.

Dogs that we train to eat our garbage. Oh, yeah. Oh. I'm back in. I mean, why are we spending so much money on food that we feed to our dogs? That's a lot of money. No, yeah. I'm going broke. Yeah, for the last six months, I've been training my dog to develop a taste for garbage.

How do you do that? You don't feed him and you only give him trash. Okay. And he gets super pissed and then skinny. And then he's like, fuck it, I'm going to eat it. Right. How much trash has your dog eaten? He's eaten like a month's worth of my trash.

Wow. And what kind of trash are we talking about? Loose paper plates? Loose paper plates. Yeah. So these are not... They don't have the hot dogs. Yeah, I eat the hot dogs.

They're cut up in more pieces anymore, so that's pretty much all this. Yeah, it's just a stack of paper plates is mostly the trash. That doesn't sound loose. If it's in a stack, it sounds like it's... Yeah, no, no, no. I meant stacked. Are there remnants of ketchup juice on these? Are there ketchup juice?

Okay, so there's some nutrients there for the dog. Yeah, there might be like a spare slice of hot dog. A spare one. Yeah. And I know what you're thinking. I doubt you do, but go ahead. What do we do when the garbage dogs are all full up from trash? I was thinking, what do we do with all the dead dogs?

What were you thinking you were going to do to them? What? Are you accusing me of something? I don't know. You seem to delight in the prospect of a bunch of dead dogs. No, I'm being facetious because this guy's idea is terrible. Dogs tend to step on. little people, I would imagine, all the time.

Well, they don't not do that, yes. But I still don't want a bunch of living things to choke on garbage. All right. No offense. No, no, no, no. Well, what do we do when the garbage dogs, with the garbage dogs, once they're full of the garbage? They're full. Once they're full.

We feed them to bigger garbage dogs. Oh. And eventually we'll just have one giant garbage dog. We'll have one huge dog that trash is sort of like recycling. Yeah. And the bigger garbage dogs, just to circle back onto the mayor's point, The bigger garbage dogs eat, the smaller garbage dogs alive. Right.

We don't kill the smaller... Like hole let. Yeah, so it's like not fucked up. It's like an amuse boost, just one bite. Yeah, one big bike. And I know what you're thinking. Yeah, do you? What do we do with this one huge garbage dog?

I actually was thinking... You were thinking that. I think I know the answer. Okay. Fuck it. Well, I hadn't thought of that. That's actually an awesome idea. And I want your input, because if you're going to give me that $3 million,

which it was $3 million, right? Yep. And I can't remember if I'm in or I'm out, but I'm pretty sure I'm out at this point. Let's see what you have to say. Well, what do we do with that final garbage dog? What do we do? We put it in a volcano and we blow it up into space. Back in.

Whoa. You put it in a volcano. Yeah. And then blow it up into space? The force of the volcano and the lava shoots it into space? Shoots it up into space. So are you waiting and assuming that the volcano is going to erupt? Or is this a scenario where you know it's going to erupt?

You time it just right. We always have the garbage. dog ready to get close to a volcano that's maybe going to erupt? The big boss garbage dog. Yes, yeah. That is eating all the other garbage dogs. And then what happens when there's more garbage? Then we start all over again.

So are there some dogs that are not garbage dogs? Yes. Okay, so those dogs, and do they have placards on them to say, I'm not a garbage dog? They have little vests. They have little vests. Well, that actually makes sense. Okay, got it, got it, got it. What about, I have a friend Mike who wants to go to Garbage Island.

What, where would he be in all this? Wait, what? Yeah. Anyway, never mind. Okay. Well, this is great. I don't know, Andy, you in, you out? I'm going to, I'm going to have to pass because of the financials.

Yeah. I see. But. You're fine with all this, fucking up dogs and stuff? Yeah, that bad I like. But the financials, it's too rich for your blood. Too rich. You know what you should do is sell it to a corporation and then they can name the dog, the

The giant garbage dog. It would be like the Staples giant garbage dog. Yeah. Clifford the Big Dead Dog. Or like sell it to like the people who make Garbozo beans. It could be Garbozzo Dog. There you go. That's a kick ass out.

Garboz dog, doo-daw band. Have a band that plays doodoo music. Yeah. To encourage the dog to eat the garbage. Yeah. That I like. This is all good. What's not to like?

Well, Derek, I could sit here talking to you about new ideas forever, but unfortunately we're running out of time. What's the longest one of these you've ever done, though? Not this one. But how long could we go? We did a New York show recently. It was two and a half hours. What? Can you believe it?

And that was still half the length of the average Pete Holmes one. Right. All right, but we do have one last feature on the show and just a little something called plugs. You're not offended by that. Well, I mean, not by the language, but maybe by the quality of the yelling. Is this the shins? What if it was. When you really think about this or the shins, what's the difference?

It's a very similar vibe. This also has kind of a vampire weekend energy. Yeah. All music's the same. What's the difference between Beethoven and happy birthday, you know what I mean? Yeah, there's really nothing. That was... Oh, she's got really depressed.

Plugs Benson interruption. All right, by Face Like Thunder. Thanks Face Like Thunder for that wonderful catch. What am I saying? Anyway. What are you, him? What do we plug in, Andy? What do you got to plug here?

You want to plug Brooklyn 9-9, September 26, 930? We haven't brought it up yet, so I probably should. Yeah, you'd be remiss if you didn't. It's on the Fox Network television. Oh, we didn't even talk about that ever. Fox. What was the show that we thought of? The Carfax Carfax Carfax.

Yeah, he drives around a little car. And it should be on Fox. It should be on Fox. It should be on Fox. Yeah. Hell of that up. And would Fox, maybe Fox changes their name to Carfax? The Carfax Network?

Sure. Yeah, that'd be good. I mean, if they offer enough money, it would be like the garbage dog. Right, exactly. Garboanzo. And Derek, what are you plugging? I want to plug. I got a podcast that's on Stitcher Premium called Strictly Business with Derek Contrero.

I've heard about this. Strictly Business. It's on Stitcher Premium. Yep. How many episodes? It's five episodes. Five episodes. And I'm trying to conquer a new business venture in each episode.

I stretch out an idea for a whole episode. Wow. You talk to a very interesting person, the first episode. Yeah, the first episode I talked to. Yeah, it's a guy named Fischoff Whiff. Yeah. He's super funny. That's like the opposite of Elon Musk.

It is. It's the opposite of Elon Musk. And he's very similar to Elon Musk. Fish off Whiff. Fish off Whiff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also check out my deleted scene in the 2004 Seth Green Comedy without a paddle. Okay, great.

I want to plug. Hey, that Speaking of Stitcher Premium, that two and a half hour Comedy Bang Bang that we taped out in New York at the now here, this festival is up there, so go check that out.

And how about you? Mayor Bobbadook, Winter. Boy, boy. First, I'd like to plug any other podcast but this one. Then I'd like to plug the idea of functioning bathrooms

in dollar houses. How much money could it cost to make a functioning running water system in an existing dollhouse, probably not that much. Think about it. A few drops of water, it wouldn't take much water. Exactly.

We're talking, like to flush a toilet in a dollhouse. How much water would it take? Hardly any. You guys could leave the water running while you're brushing your teeth and who would care. Oh, I know. Yeah.

All right. Well, Scott, yeah. Out of the 500 plus of these you've done, where would you rank this one? This is number one or two, definitely. Oh, great. This is great. Let's close up the old plug bag.

Nice Well it's Hollywood Faxing and we're going downtown Go to Inglewood now Everybody doing facts and know your stars There's glitz and Lots of bars Get a drink at a club

Then go walking Brut up the Chinese theater Hollywood Facts Take out your dig Check out the facts It's a Hollywood Facts bro Great Pretty good

Pretty good Do you guys know that song? Wait you guys know The mayor was really on it. We love that song. Wow. Yes. Where did it come from?

It came from here. Andy sang it. Yeah. Guys, I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you. Wow. All it took was... Can all come together. Yeah.

All right, guys, thanks so much. I really enjoyed this one. Andy, always great seeing you. Good luck this year. And Derek, good luck this year. Thanks a much. And Mayor of Bubble Dunery. Good luck this year.

Thank you. Scott. Yes. Can I be on the next podcast, Great. Okay. We're taping one right now, actually. Yeah, okay.

I'll just be here. Okay, great. All right, thanks. Bye.