Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Sean Clements, Hayes Davenport, Lauren Lapkus, Paul F. Tompkins, Shaun Diston, Zeke Nicholson, Ego Nwodim, Madeline Walter (The 9th Anniversary Show!)

Episode Date: April 17, 2025

In honor of CBB's upcoming 16th anniversary, we are re-releasing a few of our favorite anniversary specials. This week, it's "The 9th Anniversary Show," originally episode #543 released April 30th, 2018. It’s been 9 amazing years of Comedy Bang! Bang! Where does the time go? Scott celebrates with show favorites under the watchful eye of his corporate supervisors. We’ll hear from returnees and newcomers alike including a professional employee, an adventurer, a developer of new ideas, and many more special guests! Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Hey everyone! Happy Thursday and welcome to another Bonus Bang! This is Scott Aukerman and we have a very special series of Bonus Bangs. Bonus Bangs being of course previously recorded episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we're bringing up from behind the paywall. And this is a very special series in honor of Comedy Bang Bang's upcoming 16th anniversary at the beginning of May. We're starting a brand new series featuring, yeah, you guessed it, classic anniversary episodes. For the next three weeks of these bonus bangs, you will hear myself and a rotating cast

of some of our beloved guests as we celebrate Comedy Bang Bang growing progressively older in age. I get younger one year, I'll leave you to decide which year I got a little bit younger, but that's up to you. Today we're re-releasing episode number 543, entitled The 9th Anniversary Show. It originally aired on April 30th, 2018, and it features an all-star cast. We have Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport, those men, as you know them. Paul F. Tompkins as Emily Grandchildren, Lauren Lapkus as Dirk Thirsty,

Sean Diston as Rudy North, Zeke Nicholson as Kiwi Chris, Ego Wodim as Entree P. Neuer, and Madeline Walter as Charles Manson. So this is a great episode. We have a professional employee, an adventurer, a developer of new ideas. They're all here to celebrate the show's ninth year. And this is a very funny one. So if you wanna get more of your comedy bang bang fix, you can hear our entire archive,

as well as every live episode we've ever done on cbbworld.com, where subscribers get full access, as well as every live episode we've ever done, on CBBWorld.com, where subscribers get full access, as well as other amazing shows. We have, like, Scott Hasen Seen and Hey Randy. We're gonna be right back on Monday with a brand new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah So Sammy

And Dirty John Okay, so a slugger And a con man. Yes, and we are playing in the collegiate ultimate frisbee champion just For the nescak we have been signed by lehigh The collegiate ultimate frisbee champion just for the Nescahk. We have been signed by Lehigh So we set up to do our big play big frisbee play. We're all lined up. I've got the disc. I

Know you doing a big throw or a catch. So I first I do a big throw. Oh Yes, and I throw to Sammy Sammy pulls a huge baseball bat out of the back of his baseball No, not now Sammy and swing the frisbee smash your frisbee. Hey, hey What up Sean? Hey? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, what are you guys doing in here? Hey, man, we're gonna be just doing our thing Wait a minute. We're doing well and can I make a small correction? We're doing our thing Wait, did the show start already or something? Yes it has. Yes baby. Engineered break? You started the show? I just got here. I would say the show has finally really started. Yes, it's been all a prelude to the show and now the show has begun.

Guys, this is the Comedy Bang Bang 9th Anniversary show. This is not a Hollywood handbook. We saw that on the calendar. Only took us nine years to get the formula right. Get the fuck out of here. What are you doing here? Hey, hey, hey, hey, language, dear. What, English? Yes, get out of the door. Okay.

This is not Hollywood Handbook. This is my show. Please leave. Get back here with my show. You've heard of that? Come back here with my show. Yes. My show. Get back here with my show you've heard of that come back here with my show yes yes my show get back here with my show get the fuck out of here guys all right this is not the way to start a big celebratory

ninth anniversary show with Hollywood handbook the least popular show on the earwolf network could be big for us though you have to admit yeah you understand what our motivation was yes I do now please try to adjust your motivation to motivate yourself out of the door. Are we officially least popular now? I know you've been cut in a lot of dead weights. I don't know, there may be some cancelled show. I mean, the Wolf Den is always the least popular. But you're like neck and neck with that.

Please leave, leave, leave, leave, leave. Okay. Alright, Sean and Hayes. Can everyone please have fun? Have a good time? We will have fun. Does anyone have some questions for me before I leave? No! No, yes, will you leave sooner?

I just don't want anything to be okay. Oh my gosh Sean and Hayes of Hollywood Handbook. I don't know how this turned into an episode of Hollywood Handbook. Let me get my catchphrase All right, they're gone Please read to me from the wind in the willows while I lounge on your bed and fart in these pillows. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Oh my gosh. Run five minutes late one day and Hollywood Handbook comes in here and tries to take over the show. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. I'm Scott Aukerman, your real host. And that was of course Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements of Hollywood Handbook and welcome to the show! Nine years!

I mean this is incredible. We've been, nine years ago this very week we sat down at the old Indy 103.1 studios and did our first episode and here we are nine years later and we're doing, we're gonna have a fun show here today. I don't quite know what's going on. My producer just told me to come here and Engineer Bread had everything set up with those two buffoons apparently.

But I don't know what's happening. Some guests will drop by. It's very exciting to me. And so the first, oh the door just opened. Oh, okay. A couple of people just walked in. Just to start, let me just say just to start, I did knock a few times and nobody opened the door. Oh, hi guys, what did you say?

Just keep going, just keep doing what you're doing. Keep doing what I'm doing. Pretend we're not here. Just keep doing your thing. Pretend we're not here. Literally I should pretend you're not here? Yes. Well, I mean, what would that entail? Like, just like, you guys are occupying physical space. Like, what if I were to swipe my arms in the space that you're in?

Ow! Ow! You hit my pecs. Your pectorals? Oh, don't hit Dirk's PECs. He works out all the time. I'm sorry, let me just explain to the listener, this is a chaotic show. First apparently the hosts of Hollywood Handbook decided to host the show, and now a gentleman and a woman have walked in here and they want me to pretend they're not here.

You can say I'm a lady. You can say I'm a man. Okay, a man and a lady? I like it. That fits better for you guys? Yes, it does. Okay, so do you have something against being and a lady? That fits better for you guys? Yes, it does. Okay, so do you have something against being called a gentleman? Uh, yeah, because I'm nasty.

Wait, you're nasty? No, no, no, of course I kid. I'm very buttoned up and... Of course you kid. Of course, you don't know me yet, but of course I kid. Okay, is that part of your just whole... I simply am kidding kidding of course, but Emily and I have come in here to Well, just to observe just observing just observing later will report

You're observing and then you're writing a report first. We observe well, we don't necessarily have to write a report, but we will verbally We could give one We could do it verbally we could do it written, but you're going to do it written you say we're gonna do both She writes, I speak. That's right. I don't like the pens, and of course I'm kidding, but... Dirk doesn't like the pens. Do you speak what she writes? No, of course, look, you're getting into semantics.

Here's what happens. I write at the same time that Dirk speaks. We're in separate rooms, and then we see if we match up. Yes. OK. It's fun for us. How often? This is like the newlywed game or something.

Yes. How often does it happen? Yes. We're not together. No, we are not. We're married to our work, not to each other. OK. That's what we always say.

Of course we kid. But are you married to other people? Yeah. And are you kidding right now? Because I can't tell what to take seriously. I'm kidding about the funny rhyme. Right. What rhyme? The rhyme. Married to our work, what to take seriously. I'm kidding about the funny rhyme Right what rhyme the rhyme marriage or work? Guys that that does not rhyme, but it's a funny ride. It sounds like I mean married and married

I guess but isn't it a funny rhyme because it doesn't rhyme Like a parody of a rhyme is that It's a send parody of a rhyme? Is that what you're trying to say? It's a spoof of a rhyme. It's a send up. It's a send up of a rhyme. Okay. So of course we're married to other people. Of course we are. To whom are you married? I'm married to my wife.

Her name is Withers. Withers? Is her last name. Oh, so your last name is Withers? No, her last name. Oh, she just didn't take your name. Okay. Well, no.

Derrick's last name is Thirsty. Yes. Oh, Thirsty. So she didn't wanna be, her first name is Bursty, so she thought it would be weird. So Bursty Withers is the person to whom you're married. Yes, and of course we got, we started dating, the first date I thought, hey, watch out, it'll be Bursty Thirsty, and she said,

I'll never take your name. And of course she was kidding, but She was kidding at the time. She didn't think we'd really get married, but she changed her mind. Yes Okay, catching on all right, and are you kidding right now about all this or I'm dead serious dead serious, okay? I didn't know if you two would ever get married, and I'm so glad you finally did Such a long time and sir. What is your first name? You mentioned your name is Thirsty. My name is Dirk Thirsty. Dirk Thirsty. Yes. Okay, welcome to the show Dirk Thirsty. Thanks, I've been listening to a bunch of EPs to try to catch on to what does you do exactly. Okay, well, it's part of our job. It's part of our job. It's part of your job and who are you ma'am?

My name is Emily Grandchildren. Emily Grandchildren. Yes. And to whom are you married? I'm married to a man named Richard Box. Richard Box. Interesting. That's almost like Richard Bachman, the writer of the. OK, it's him. Oh, wait.

You're married to Richard Bachman? That is a pseudonym for Stephen King. I'm married to Stephen King. Are you happy? Now are you happy? We always wondered. You're married to Stephen King? Yes! Can we get past it? First of all, I have so many questions.

Yes, I was his cocaine dealer. That's how we met. Number two, do you like being scared? I don't like being scared. You don't. So you do not read his books? Or do you not find them scary? Well I read them. I don't find them scary. Oh really?

I don't see what the big deal is. He's the modern master of horror. Well I saw my parents killed in front of me so that's my bar for scary. Oh. So a haunted hotel, whatever. How did your parents die in front of you? They were executed. They were summarily?

They were summarily executed, yes. Oh my goodness. By whom? Oh, by a warlord of some sort? A warlord, yes. How did you guess? What did you read on Wikipedia? Did you read my Wikipedia?

Yeah. You looking at the Wikipedia? Wikipedia blue? My parents were drug dealers as well, so they were executed by Colombian drug lords. Did you inherit their business? Yes, I did. Oh, OK.

It wasn't a side business that was a competitor. No, my brother and I decided to carry on the family business, and then I got out of that life eventually. Oh, OK. And now what do you do now? You guys say you're here for work. Well, yes. You could say that.

You could. And you could. You did say that. Because that is why we are here. And that's why we're here for work. Well, yes. You could say that. You could and you should. You did say that. Because that is why we are here. And it's why we're here. Yes. And of course we were kidding when we said... Of course we were kidding.

Anything... It was a funny rhyme. We were doing a funny rhyme. It was a funny rhyme. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look very thirsty. Please, sir, swallow. It's all in the name. Swallow and continue. Look, look, look, look, look. I brought my pet chicken. I hope that's all right.

Look, look, look, look, look. I like the... Guys, guys, what are you doing here? This is my ninth anniversary show. Call us man and lady. Call us man and lady. Man, lady. Why are you here?

I need to get on with my show. I need to get to several guests from what I understand. We're from corporate, if you must know. Corporate? We're from corporate, yeah. Min. Corporate? We're from corporate. Mid-roll if you're nasty. Yes and the parent company. I am nasty. Oh no. Well let's mid-roll then baby. Scripps's parent company RC Cola. You guys are from RC? Yeah. Oh no. What uh what's is there a problem? The pop of Indiana. Is there an issue with the show? I mean uh. Well we hope not.

Is there an issue with the show? I mean, uh... Well, we hope not. Here's what we've heard and why we've been sent here by RC. We've heard that you have an open door policy on this show. Well, yes, it's always been that way. All nine years, we... Will you please stop mansplaining to Emily? I'm a lady.

Let her... Let me ladiesplain to you? No, no, let her ladiesplain to you. Uh-oh. Now, what were you saying, Mrs. Grandchildren? How old are you guys, by the way? Because you sounded very old right then. How old are you?

No, you? Exactly. What a question to ask. Why don't you take a guess? I can ask a gentleman with huge pectorals. Take a guess, judging by the length of my beard. You're going to be surprised. Well, a beard like that, I would s-

It's a perfect point. A beard like that would kill your brother. West Side Story. That's a funny rhyme. A beard like that would take approximately five years to grow. And so I'm five? No, but you...

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! You may be eight. He's clearly older than five. If you... I have a job, sir. What a terrible guess! If you started growing beard hair at 13, you may be 18 years old. He's clearly older than five. I have a job for her. What a terrible guess! If you started growing beard hair at 13, you may be 18 years old.

I'll take it. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm not. I'm not at all. How old are you? Tell me about the color of my beard, sir. Oh, okay, I was not looking at the color. I was merely looking at the shape and length. Put on your color eyes.

Put on your color eyes. You want me to colorize that beard like it's a wonderful life? Yeah, what are you, Ted Turner? Do it. OK. What I'm seeing here is it's sort of, it's almost like every color in the rainbow. That's right.

Beautiful. It's iridescent like a fish left out on a dock. I dip dye every time it grows longer. So how am I supposed to tell how old you are by your rainbow beard? You look like the John 316 guy. How old is he? Upside down. How old is he?

So upside down it would be- He's either 3 or 16. I'm guessing 16 since he has a beard. I'm 3 times 16. Upside down it would be more like 91E. Okay. 316. No, I got it.

Yep. Okay. 316. No, I got it. Yep. Okay, how old are you? I said I'm 3 times 16, do the math. 3 times 16, you're uh... You do the math. 48?

I don't know. This is just what he's been told. Dirk refuses to know when his birthday is, just when he was born, he just wants to live his life. I admire it actually. I wish I didn't know when my birthday was. I don't want to live on a timeline. That's right. But you do want to know what your age is divisible by? Well, that's what he's been told. But I don't know how to do the math. Okay, okay, so you're a 48 years old and you you ma'am or lady. Lady. Lady.

I beg your pardon. You're going to woman-splain something to me? Oh, yeah, what was that? Oh, yeah, what was that? You were going to woman-splain? First of all, I'm going to lady-splain. yeah what was that you were going to woman first of all I'm going to ladies plane okay you were going to ladies plane what corporate is doing oh the show and how it's a problem open door policy we've been getting complaints from reddit users Twitter so people on the internet in general the church bulletins. Oh no! Lost dog flyers. I saw a sky written one. Where was this? Were you on the beach?

I was on the beach. That's primarily where I see my sky writing. I saw a plane pulling a banner that said, comedy bang bang, I have some issues with it. Oh no. Then I saw sky writers say, open door policy? I don't think so. They did a loop de loop until they crashed into the water. They crashed? Oh no. It was beautiful to watch though

Oh, I have to I have to imagine that the person went down doing what they loved so Doing loop-de-loops or just flying in general? The riding in the sky said I meant to do that as they fell in. Yes Would you mind speaking up sir? You seem to mumble everything you're saying. I'm sorry you can't hear me. I Mean a person with those giant pectorals. It seems like you would have a lot of lung my voice goes into my body There's voice goes backwards. Yes, if you can't hear it get inside You asked me to fuck you what I beg you? Excuse me, I'm from a corporate.

Oh, I beg your pardon. This is like... That'll have to go into our written and oral reports. That's gonna be in the oral one. Why are you winking at me? Now you're doing it to me. I need to report you to corporate. No, I'm calling a horse. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look. Okay, look. So there's an issue with the open door policy?

I would say the primary issue right now is the fact that you guys just walked in. Well, you see how easy that was? Exactly. It's proving our point. Okay. That people have a problem with it. Interestingly, I knocked and no one reacted. Then I opened the door and we came right in. Right, well here's the problem.

Do you want that to happen at your home? Do you? See something, say something. Look. We will do that at your home if you want it to happen. No home? Do you? See something say something. Look. We will do that at your home if you want it to happen. No, I do not. We'll see you tonight. No, thank you. But look. The die has been cast.

For recent listeners of the show, what people don't know is that there's an open-door policy in the show. Sometimes people are allowed to just walk right in and talk to the mic. Whomever comes by the studio is allowed to and you're saying this is an issue, this is a problem. It could be. But has it been? Well some people have complained. People who haven't complained, I assume, are fine with it. Very rarely do people say, I don't have a problem with this part of the show.

And also very rarely do people say, I enjoy this part of anything. That's true. Human beings are generally just like a miserable lot, aren't they anything. That's true. Human beings are generally are just like a miserable lot. That's also true. So what we're going to do is we're going to just monitor the show. I'm assuming the open door policy is in effect.

It is. So we'll just sit here, observe. And we'll just chime in. We'll just chime in if we have something to say. We'll do some of our classic chime-ins. We'll do a funny rhyme. If we need a little spicing up. Exactly.

I could use a little right now. Here's a funny rhyme. A stitch in time... hold on. How did it go? Why don't I do mine and you think about yours? Okay. Okay. Here's a funny rhyme. I remember mine. Oh think about yours? Okay. Okay. Here's a funny rhyme. I remember mine. Oh, okay, go ahead.

A stitch in time, well that's really cool. Wait a minute, this sounds familiar to me. Are you ready for mine? Yes, I am ready for yours. When in doubt, listen to your heart. That's where you go to know things that you need to know. Okay, nothing rhymed with that one. It's a funny rhyme.

Okay, you have another one? We're having sort of a funny rhyme off. They always say, they always say, lightning doesn't strike twice, but do they ever say, sometimes it does? This is more like a closing sentiment off than anything resembling a rhyme. We're unfamiliar. I don't know what that is. We don't know what you mean. Okay, well guys, I hope that you are- Guys, again with that! Woman?

Hello, look at me! Man and woman? No! What did you want me to say? No! Man and lady! Please stop flapping your penis at me, by the way. Or you were just blowing on it?

To what? To get it to move slightly in the wind? Flapping the penis, slapping the bass. That's almost a rhyme, flapping and slapping. Front-loaded though. It's a funny rhyme. Yeah, well guy, sorry, man, woman, woman, lady, man and lady. It's very simple. It's just as simple as it is to peep what we are. Can I just call you Dirk and Emily? Is that okay? That made you so sad. You guys look like a crying emoji right there. I'd like to be called Miss Grandchildren.

Do you see people's faces as emojis? Do I have money in my mouth? Oh honey, oh honey, you look like the crying emoji. What did I do? Now you look like the barfing emoji. Are you sick? All right, well, you're going to be here the entire show? We have to. Yes here the entire show we have

we have to okay we don't want to it's great to see you guys great to see you miss grandchildren and Dirk it's a verbal tick I've said it my entire life I call everyone guys you have to stop now okay now is the day you don't do that ever again yeah I don't think I'm gonna be able to this is how you will mark time for the rest of your life. Today is the day. Open this card. The demarcation point is now. Open this card.

Open the card. You guys got me a card? Yes, we did. Please read it out loud. Dear Scott, to whom it may concern. Why did you put that after Dear Scott? Because we weren't sure you were gonna be here. You'll see that Dear Scott is written over

to whom they concern. So then we were told you were here. Oh, okay, yes. With all of the love in our hearts, we welcome you to the studio. RC Cola would love to celebrate your ninth anniversary with a free case of RC Strawberry Cola, which is no longer popular, and thereby why we were able to gather so much of it.

Yeah, and thereby why. We have that in the front. You left that in the front? Uh-huh. Okay, party in the back. Right up there in the front. All right. We left it in the front, you party in the back.

Yes, sincerely, Ms. Grand Right up there in the front. All right. We left it in the front, you party in the back. Yes, sincerely, Ms. Grandchildren and Dirk Thirsty. Well, oh, by the way, you work for RC Cola. Is that, I mean, your last name is Thirsty. Was that a coincidence? It's a coincidence because RC is so far removed from what I actually do. Oh, how do you mean that?

Because I'm working not at the RC offices. Oh, okay, you're out there in the field, out there on the streets? I'm in the streets. Yeah, you're a field agent. Dirk's a corporate floater. I'm a corporate floater, which is what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I don't quite know what that means. It's like a poop in a toilet. It's like a poop in a toilet. But in the business world? Yes. So it's equivalent. OK, got it. All right, well, I think it's time to get to our first guest

came in here our Producer is handing me a sheet here and everyone is a surprise to me today So, let's see who we have here. Oh, well, this is this is very exciting. This is a it reads here fan favorite He's been on the show several times, but only recently. Yeah, that's right Only in approximately the last five six months. Yeah, he's catching on quick this guy Yeah, Rudy North is here. Rude North professional employee Rudy North professional employee and favorite Scott I need to get this out of the way right? Oh really you don't want to meet our other I'll get to these two in a second. Okay, you have to get something off your chest Rudy.

Welcome back to the show. Thank you Scott. No time for formalities or pleasantries though. I gotta get to this right away Scott. You gotta get to it. Okay, let there be no more dalliances please. Scott, let's go ahead and do a recap. Previously on Comedy Bang Bang. I am a dirt bag.

I life swapped a guy. took his job at Postmates. Got fired for Postmates for punching people in the throat. Right. Then I life swapped a guy at Target, took his job at Security. Right. Got fired for punching people in the throat. Right. Then at the end of the last show, I took engineer Cody's job with a life swap.

He's no longer here, dear wolf. He's no longer here, but I haven't seen you around I was immediately fired. Oh, okay. I punched engineer bread through. Oh No, bread is that true you don't get on me. Yeah, you've noticed he can't be him He can't talk anymore his throat is fucked up. Oh, is that why oh my gosh I you've been like gesturing the please give me the Heimlich He does that a lot now. It's a comfort thing for him. Yeah, it's like a it's like a thunder blanket for a dog Okay, so so that that catches us. Yes that catches you up

So because as far as I recall you were also a magical being I'm here to talk about my employment and Scott. I got a new job. You got a new job. That's right Scott Okay, well I was fired from your wolf. Of course, of course you were I'm here to talk about my employment and Scott, I got a new job. You got a new job? That's right, Scott. Okay. Well, I was fired from Mirror Wolf, of course. Of course you were, yes. Of course. All right. Now, I was walking through a park.

Just the other day? I was making note of this. I was walking through a park just the other day. Okay. And there was a guy, I heard this sound and it was loud. Describe the sound, please. The sound, it was loud. Okay, well sounds are normally the sound and it was loud. Describe the sound, please. The sound, it was loud. Okay, well sounds are normally varying volumes.

It was loud. So this was at the upper end of the decibel scale. It was a tonal sound. Oh, okay, so the musical. It was like a tone, can I give you an example of what it sounded like? Yes, please. It sounded like this. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh a kina of sound so sort of like singing but it was coming from a motor and I walked over to it and I saw a man holding a leaf blower Scott okay this is very confusing let me let me let me try to figure this out you heard a sound like singing. Yes. It was coming from a motor. And that motor, it was a... In a car?

No, it was a leaf blower, Scott. It was... Oh. I think I know what's going on here. And correct me if I'm wrong. Was this a Flintstone situation? Where the leaf blower was a living creature? Like a dinosaur of some sort?

It was singing. You know what? If this was prehistoric times, it might have been. But this was current times. But this was current times. We had the machines. Look. Can I ask you a question? you noticed it was from a motor

Before it was from a leaf blower. I have a keen sense of hearing Scott. Okay based up by time Yeah, but you heard it and it was singing Based on my time on this earth. Okay. Oh, okay, but I heard it. It was a we've all had time on this earth So why should yours be my very good? Yeah I'm very old, but we don't have time to get into this. Oh, that's right. You're hundreds of years old. I'm hundreds of years old. Scott. Yes.

I punched this guy in the throat. The guy holding the leaf blower? Yep. Took his leaf blower. Okay. Took his job. Took his life. Okay, what was his job? Leaf blower. Oh, okay. I thought that might be something he was doing on the weekend.

No, no, no. He's a leaf blower. He's, okay. And he works for the city of Los Angeles. Okay. Scott, I'm happy to say that I'm a happy employee for the city of Los Angeles. I'm a leaf blower. Oh my gosh, congratulations. Scott, thank you. I appreciate that. Rudy Norrick, you finally have- I found a job. What could be a career. Now, Scott, a lot of people, now, you're calling it a career and I appreciate that because a lot of people, now, you're calling it a career and I appreciate that, because a lot of people look down on leaf blowers

and they say, is that even a job? It's very easy. Well, I would assume no one would do that unless they were getting paid for it. Well, yeah. Or they were trying to, you know, do the upkeep of their own property. But Scott, I say being a leaf blower

is akin to being an architect. Okay, how do you mean? Like, I'm trying to think of architects that I've met. Mr. Brady. Mr. Brady is the only famous example of an architect. Frazier. Frazier. Frazier was an architect? I think.

Caroline in the city. She drew buildings. She drew buildings? She did draw buildings. She drew buildings. Wait, was she a cartoonist? Ten At Night from Too Close for Comfort. He also drew buildings.

Okay. I feel like Frazier was a call-in radio host. I feel like he might have been. But I might be wrong. I don't know anything about Hollywood. Frazier Crane? Your last name's Crane. You don't work with them.

Oh, shit. You know what? He was an architect. I was wrong. I'm a little confused by the sound that this leaf blower made. All right, you want me to do it again? Yeah, well, no.

But it sounds like a human being singing. Well, Scott, I'm not. Ah. That was pretty good. Do it again? Yeah, well no, but it sounds like it sounds like a human being singing. Well Scott That was pretty good. Oh, we're so that was a sneeze. That's you gives a tight guy That's one of the things that caused us to work together. We realized around the office You instantly harmonize wow now I got a good ear so I couldn't hear over my own sneeze No, I guess any two different notes are harmony in In a certain chord. Hey, you're the music expert Scott. I'm just the leaflet expert. I guess Scott's criticizing how we I'm not criticizing at all. I'm merely I was more criticizing what Rudy said

Well, hold up don't criticize if you're gonna criticize anything criticize these nuts My dear fellow. Well I'm just saying Scott. Wait did you say that because your nuts are critter sized? Those are his biggest possums. I got big nuts and if you're gonna critter size anything you gotta criticize my nuts. Now Scott you're not respecting me Scott because I'm telling you that leaf blowin' is art. Don't punch me in the throat. I'm not gonna punch you in the throat. All right.

Dirt bass head shake, I'm not gonna taunt you in the throat. Now Scott. Were you a genie or something? No, I was not a genie. Now yes, I might have a similar voice to a genie that might have appeared on the show. Oh, that's right, that's right. Don't we all?

Don't we all have similar voices? I know I sound like a genie. I sound like many people. But I'm trying to, you always come in here never you say we never have time to talk about your backstory I'm worried we're getting into the you know the intricacies of leaf blowing when I'm really interested in the How could you be interested in your immortal? Okay, Scott. I'm immortal. I wasn't born into a human body I was born in 1600. These are things that we all know human body I was born in 1600 these are things that we all know all right go ahead Scott look it's your show I don't think you understand it's your time the floor

is yours is what I mean you Scott this forum is mine and I want to talk about the importance of blowing leaves the importance of it yes okay now Oscar Wilde the importance of blowing leaves by Oscar Wilde. Where do they go? Anytime I see someone blowing leaves around, I'm like, it's like when you go in, there's an air dryer in the public restroom. Where does the water go? Where does the water go? It's just like flicking it around, you know, onto the floor. It evaporates. Yeah, in that situation, it evaporates. But with leaves, can't you just absolutely see where the leaves go?

Oh, it just seems like they're just flying around and then it's like, well, they're no longer on my property anymore, they're on someone else's. Yeah, my job is to get leaves off of sidewalks and get them onto people's shoes and faces. And to sort of get them so that people can walk down the sidewalk and be like, wow, this is clean, but, oh, it smells like mulch. There's bugs everywhere. And somebody sort of swished around all this dirt with air and didn't really do anything. Right. I mean, so you're just like blowing leaves onto someone's face so they look like Gene Simmons in his kiss makeup or something?

That's my favorite thing to do. Blowing leaves on people's faces so they look like Gene Simmons in the kiss makeup. Very specific. Scott, you should be a leaf blower, man. I'm very happy in my current position. Yeah, you know what? I don't know if you have the skills to blow leaves Yeah, what are the skills involved? I mean it seems like you pick up a thing and then you pointed at something You have to turn it on is that about it. You've never leaf blown before Scott. I don't believe I ever have no I was some expert shit right there. I mean damn you pick so you pick it up and you turn it on

You're pretty good. Then you point it. You know what? Man leaf blow is pretty easy. Yeah, I mean it's it's a very low-paying job I mean not I'm sure there are people out there I mean, I don't think there's anyone out there listening to podcasts while they leaf blow I think that's crazy. So, you know, I don't think I'm insulting anyone No, but it's a very low paying low wage job that, you know People don't want to stay in for a long period of time usually. Can I ask you a question Scott? Sure. How much money you make? This is interesting. Has anyone ever asked you that before?

Yes, I'd like to know this as well. I mean, here's the problem is when you're in show business jobs come and go it fluctuates so much. Give me your average of the last three years. Of the last three I would have to take a look at my tax returns. I don't have them easily accessible to me. This is interesting. This isn't a rude question. I feel like this question is a normal question. You put the rude in Rudy North, my friend. Funny rhyme. That's a funny rhyme.

That is a funny rhyme. It's quite good. How much money do you make? What are we paying you? You guys should have this information more than anyone. Quite good. So how much money do you make? Well, I mean. What are we paying you? You guys should have this information more than anyone. No, we do. We just want to know how you interpret it. In dollars.

Oh, OK. Wow. You a troubled-ass, Kat. Interesting. What are you talking about? Making a note of that. Look, Rudy, why are you here? Not to quote the Beastie Boys, but why are you here?

Supposed to be pencils. Supposed to be pretzels. Supposed to be pretzels. They're still talking, hold on. What do y'all say? I'm sorry, you were supposed to be paid in pretzels, not dollars. Are you being paid in dollars? Cause that's a problem.

You wanted to pay me in the equivalent number of pretzels that dollars would buy? Listen. No, the equivalent number of pretzels that would be dollars. So every dollar is one pretzel? Because that's not inequitable, I mean. Maybe you don't understand how corporate culture works We're paying you in pretzels to make you thirsty to buy RC Cola and drink it. He's thirsty. That's my name not my number

What's your number? Three one two. Oh don't say hold on Is this your Social Security or your telephone you figure it out out. Uh oh, what do we got? 312. 9292. 923. Dirk, I don't know. 3122. 1-2-2.

1-2-2. Zero. Zero. 922. 922, this is not a social security number. Let me take over. It doesn't even sound like a phone number anymore. 409.

409. 32. Like the formula, oh my gosh. Times 16. Times 16, oh, I can't even keep track anymore. And I'm relatively good at math. Well9. 32. Like the formula. Oh my gosh. Times 16. Times 16. Oh, I can't even keep track anymore.

And I'm relatively good at math. Well, this is wild. I mean, Scott, can I just say, Scott? Yeah. You asked me why I was here. Yeah, why are you here? I did want to tell you about my new job, but I did have some other news I need to deliver to you, but then we can move on and we don't need to talk.

Okay, this is news about yourself or news about me? It's kind of news about myself, but it's news about everybody. Okay. Okay. Scott. I'm sorry. Everybody in the world? Or everybody here. Everyone who's ever existed.

Ever existed? The dead? Yeah. Look, Scott. From the first caveman that took a lightning strike to a tree branch and decided, like, oh, that keeps me warm. He's affected too, Scott. Oh my gosh.

The first caveman that took a lightning strike to a tree branch and said, oh, that keeps me warm. You guys think that's a weird question? I got it. Scott, your actual name is Slot Ackerman. We're living in a Flashpoint-esque scenario where I've traveled back in time and changed details. And you've altered the future?

Yeah, little details have changed in everyone's lives. It's just like the buttercream effect? It's like the buttercream effect, Scott. Oh no. So yeah, your name is Scott now. It's Scott now, but it used to be Slott? It used to be Slott Ackerman. What was my name, dirtbag?

Oh, your name was Mrs. Grandkids. Mrs. Grandkids, not Miss Grandchildren?, your name was Mrs. Grandkids. Mrs. Grandkids, not Miss Grandchildren? No, it was Mrs. Grandkids. What was my name? Oh, your name? Dick Thirsty? I'll stick with Dirk. OK, yeah.

OK, but was Miss Grandchildren married to Stephen King in the previous? She was married to Stephen Prince. Stephen Prince? Yeah. Scott, I don't really want to explain all the differences. Was Stephen King's name Stephen Prince before? Or was it a totally different person? When you go back that far in time, it's hard to kind of predict the outcomes. So yeah, it's hard. How far back did you go in order to change all this? I went back before humans existed.

Whoa, the primordial ooze. I think you have a lot of other guests, Scott, and I feel like we shouldn't really get too far into this. How did you do it? How did you achieve it? Because as far as I know, you're just an immortal. Oh yeah, I could run really fast like the Flash. Just like the DC Comics Flash.

OK, so you can't time travel in terms of just like if you wanted to, you'd have to run really fast like the Flash. Just like the DC Comics Flash. Okay so you can't time travel in terms of just like if you wanted to you'd have to run really fast. I run really fast. You run backwards in time. I have the same powers as the Flash. The every single power? Yep. I can phase through stuff. I could also make duplicates of myself when I vibrate really fast. Okay. And can you bring other people into the Speed Force and have them experience? Yeah. Oh, I would love to experience it. You wanna talk to the Speed Force? Yeah, let me get in there. Alright, hold on. Oh, my God, that was amazing. Yeah, that was pretty crazy. That was like three years we were in there. What did you say to the Speed Force? I don't know, we just, it didn't talk back, so I just...

He said a lot of stuff, but Scott, we had a lot of fun times in there. That was really fun. I feel like, I mean, you're my best friend. I love you, Scott. For the last three years. How long were we gone? Was it like two years? Why are you guys still here?

I can't believe it. Oh, we've been... The time stopped over here, I guess. It was just like a millisecond to us. Oh my, oh my gosh. That's right, Scott. Rudy and I have experienced so much. He told me his whole backstory.

I learned everything about him. Now, Scott, now that you know the backstory, let's not start telling people. It's boring to me now. It's boring, right? I don't want to hear it now. You've talked so much about it. Do you want to have a secret conversation

with either of their conversators? What are you guys talking about? Nothing. I don't feel good because of what happened just now. What do you mean? What's, emotionally or physically? They went away and then they came back and they're best friends. But don't you see they're lying? No. Oh, well they are. Really? I never think anyone's lying. You're too trusting,

Dirk. Of course I kid, of course I kid. What? You guys really feel bad that we, or you think we're lying? Which is it? Dirk feels bad. I think you're lying. Okay well I'm gonna... Wow. It's one or the other. Okay. Either you made Dirk feel bad or you're lying. Alright Dirk feels bad is what I'll take. Why did you do that? That's going in my report. I'm gonna be speaking audibly about this. Okay. Scott can I have a private conversation with you? Yeah let's have a private conversation. Scott you remember like eight months ago we were in the Speed Force. Yeah like eight months ago when you were in the Speed Force? Yeah, yeah, of course. We were talking in the Speed Force.

Yeah. Which day was this? This is like back in like Speed Force November. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. And you were like... It was like right next to Speed Force Thanksgiving. Yeah, yeah, which was fun. I remember that. We gathered all the Speed Force pilgrims and... Yeah, this is what I want to talk to you about.

...and Native Americans, yeah. So you remember you were trying to like make a dish for everybody? Yeah, sure. And I said, Scott, you were trying to like make a dish for everybody? Yeah. And I said, Scott, you can't please everybody. Yeah, that was good advice. I was trying so hard and it was running me ragged and I was really worried about every single person's feelings. This is just like that, Scott.

You cannot try to please all these people. Rudy, this is why I love you. But you should try to please us because we're in charge of the show. That's right. We're determining your fate right now. You guys were listening to our private conversation? This is going in my report. Hell yeah, we make the reports now. This is going in our report. Well, guess what, nobody cares what your report says.

Oh wait, is it Mother's Fucker or is it Motherfuckers? It used to be Mother's Fucker, but when I changed the timeline, now it's Motherfuckers. Okay, this is a Berenstain Bears situation. Yeah, Berenstain. Okay, look, we are coming up on a break here. Rudy. Yeah, I'm sorry for dropping that bomb, but we've gotten so close. We have gotten so close, Scott. Can you stick around, Rudy?

Is that okay? I feel like I can't do the show anymore with it. I mean- You think I would leave you at this time of peril, Scott? I haven't done the show in three years. I feel like I'm a little rusty. Hey. I need my best friend Rudy. Literally no time has passed. I know, but for us it has. It's been a while three years. I feel like I'm a little rusty. I need I need my best friend

Literally no time has passed. I know but for us it has. It's been a while Scott. I got your back. Wow. All right Well guys, let's go to a break when we come back. We'll have more surprises. This is exciting I have no idea. After this word from RC Cola. Okay. Yes. Well Do you want to do an RC Cola ad? Is that what you do? Yes. Okay, go ahead. Oh sure Yeah, Emily and Dirk. Go ahead What are you drinking Dirk? That doesn't sound like you We're doing a commercial commercial before when you were drinking I was about to explain that I wasn't drinking be quiet Dirk what's going on? You're not drinking my tongue

What's that my tongue fell out it's too hard from no drinks. Oh no. I've got the perfect solution. Are you familiar with Royal Crown Cola? No. Well, it's commonly known as RC Cola. Can I ring a bell? But I am familiar. Here, drink some of it.

Ouch. What? You drank too fast. Hey, I'm dirtbag Rudy North Drink RC Cola, I'm coming for that ass, baby Wow good commercial let's hear some of us great for a real sponsors film We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang more tur Dirk Thirsty, more Emily Grandchildren, more Rudy North, and more surprises after this! Oof.

Yeah. Oof. Yeah. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with my best friend Rudy North is here and dude, we just have been like... Shhh. Shit dude. Dude, we've been just like getting real with each other during the break.

It was... Too much improv during commercial. Too much improv during commercial. Excuse me! We could do whatever we each other during the break. It was, uh... Too much improv during commercials. Too much improv during commercials. Excuse me! Fiddly commercial break. We can do whatever we want during the commercial break. You're listening to my private notes. Why are you listening?

You're speaking them aloud, Ms. Grandchildren. Yes, I am. It helps me to think. We're back here with Ms. Grandchildren, Emily Grandchildren, and Dirk Thirsty. I meant to ask you, Ms. Grandchildren, do you work for Royal Crown Cola because you're married to Stephen King?

Look. I cannot believe. I keep thinking people are gonna stop asking me that. Obviously, I do. The doi doi. Now for me, it's a coincidence. The Thirsty thing is a coincidence, but the- The Crown and King. Crown thirsty thing is a coincidence, but the... The crown and king.

But for crown and king is... Exactly. So did Stephen King suggest you do it because he wanted to drink the drink that reminded him of his last name? You don't call him Stephen King when you know him. What do you call him? Cokese. Cokese?

Cokese. But... Cokese. Here's the thing. I was a cocaine dealer. Right. I dealt cocaine to Stephen King. But is that what that?

Do you want to hear the story or not? I do. Wow. So much so that I called him Cokesee. OK. He said, when you call me Cokesee, it makes me thirsty for soft drinks. And I said, what?

I'm thirsty. Dirk was there. OK. And then he said. But you did not want to work for the corporation due to that. No, I just was hanging out with my friend, Emily grandchildren.

And my soon to be husband, Stephen King Wright. And I said, I'm thirsty. And then he said, these pretzels are making me thirsty. And then we said, stop always quoting Seinfeld. You'll never be him. You're a scary guy. Stephen King wanted to be- Seinfeld? Oh, that's all he wanted. He wanted to be funny. You're a scary guy. Stephen King wanted to be Seinfeld? That's all he wanted. He wanted to be funny. You're a scary guy.

Every musician wants to be funny. Every horror novelist wants to be Jerry Seinfeld. Everyone wishes they were funner. Right. Everyone wishes they were funner. Isn't it weird you used to deal coke and now you work for a cola? Well, that's what I was getting to, but he wouldn't shut up. Okay.

Well, he wouldn't shut up more than me. Well, that's allowed in our relationship. Isn't it weird that you used to deal coke and now you work for a cola? Well, that's what I was getting to, but he wouldn't shut up. Okay. Well, he wouldn't shut up more than me. Well, that's allowed in our relationship. Isn't it weird that you used to deal coke and now you work for a cola?

Well, that's what I was getting to, but he wouldn't shut up. Okay. Well, he wouldn't shut up more than me. Well, that's allowed in our relationship. Isn't it weird that you used to deal coke and now you work for a cola? Well, that's what I was getting to, but he wouldn't shut up. Okay. Well, he wouldn't shut up What that's allowed in our relationship? Is it weird that you used to deal coke and I love the stuff and of course I'm kidding You don't like artsy cola Thank You Rudy don't fuck with my man Scott. All right. I'm glad you have my back here Rudy This is going my report. I don't even work man Scott. All right, I'm glad you have my back here. Rudy, this is going in my report. I don't even work here anymore.

Y'all fired the fuck out of me. Yeah, but this is going in our report, by the way. Are you writing this down? I'm writing it down. We're all writing everything down. Okay. Shit, I got a pen and paper right here. It's your name, Rudy, is it short for Rudith?

No! Is it short for Rudimentary? Yes! Your name back in the... I was born in 1600 No, I know all this Yeah, you know that, but rudimentary North That never came up in the last three years

I never told you about my name? You never told me about rudimentary North I was named after a compass Oh! Scott, we can't get it to this right now Not true North, not... Rudimentary north. That's right. But that was a great question. I can't believe that didn't come up, Scott. Maybe we need to go back in this piece.

Well, whatever. Maybe after Boone. Maybe at the end of the show we will. You're not the best choice for host for this show if you're not asking the best questions. Okay, well we covered so much in the last three years. It's just an idea and I'm writing it down. Alright, look, we need to get to our next guest. And Engineer Bretz handed me another piece of paper. And,, this is exciting. We've only talked to him once but He was a fan favorite. He is a

in us from Australia or Scott. Oh, yeah. Hi. Hey, it's Kiwi Chris is back Chris Yeah, a bit of an adventurer through Harker all around big picker guy who falls and falls in holes Right guys who fives in holes. Guys who falls in holes. I go soon, falls in holes. Guys who falls in holes. Yeah, I'm not from Australia, I'm from New Zealand.

New Zealand, I'm Kiwi. That's why I'm a Kiwi. How you going? Welcome back to the show, how you going? What's up? Sup, oh yeah, sup. What's the rudimentary? Hello.

Welcome back to the show, it's so good to see you. Good to be here. I have a problem when I listen to an accent, I have to do it. Wait, which one of you is talking now? It's not me. It is you. Dirk doesn't seem to walk me at all. I'm totally offended.

Just kidding, I'm casual. That's how you life walk somebody. You just start saying their accent, then you take their wallet, and then you take their identity. That's how it's, yeah, that's of course how it started. Accent, wallet, identity. Well, throat punch also. Throat punch? Well, that's a given.

So that doesn't have to be in the instructions. Yeah. Right. So Chris, it's so good to see you. Kiwi Chris, first name Kiwi, late name Chris. So sorry. Kiwi, it's so good to see you. This is Dirk Thirsty and Emily Grandchildren. Emily! And since the last time I saw you about three and a half years ago.

Yeah, long time, huh? Oh, well. It's not that long to me. Rudy and I have been in the Speed Force for three years. Oh, I've been there. Yeah, it just took a millisecond here, but we became best friends. Have you stayed in the hostel in the Speed Force? Oh, you've been at the Speed Force?

Yeah, I've been there. So here's my thing. That's primarily where we were, yeah. Accidental interdimensional traveler, right? I fall in halls and I discover things. That's my thing, right? So I fell in the hall and I fell into the Speed Force. And it was nice, I was there for a bit.

Tight. And then I came out, you know? How long were you in the Speed Force? Oh, I mean, time is relative there, huh? Well, yeah, but yeah. Well, that's true. How many holes do you follow? A lot of holes. I'm a very clumsy guy. Bit of a clumsy man.

You sort of tripped as you were walking in here, I noticed. And luckily, there were no holes in the floor here. No, no. But let me tell you, yesterday I fell in a hole. And guess what I discovered? What's that? Arthurian Kimmelot. Arthurian Kimmelot? Yeah, Kimmelot. Kimmelot? Kimmelot. Like Lancelmelot? Yeah, Kimmelot! Kimmelot! Like Lancelot, Guinevere, Arthur, Merlin?

Merlin! Was he there? Yeah, he was there. The whole gang was there. They were all alive? Yeah! The whole squad was there. They were just hanging out at the Rand table. Did you fall back in time as well? Yeah, these halls are falling. The space and time is relative.

No, they're sort of like Stargates. I don't know what that is. Oh, okay. Did you ever see the movie Stargate? No. It had the guy whose penis was in the crying game. Oh yeah, no, I've seen that penis, but I haven't seen the game.

You haven't seen the crying game? No, just the penis online. I've seen the movie, but not the game. You went to Hollywoodpenises.com? I hate the game. Don't hate the penis, hate the game. Look. Stupid.

Stupid? I'm gonna like it. That's what I say when I like something. Oh, okay. That's kiwi slang? Write it down. So you went to Camelot. I went to Camelot. It was really nice, right? Oh my gosh. Let me tell you, that table is pretty square.

It's not around? No. Like pretty square. When you it's not around? No, no. Like pretty square, when you say pretty square, what do you mean? It's like oblong, you know? How many sides did it have? I don't know. It was like a bit of a trapezoid. Okay. A bit of a trapezoid.

Kind of a trapezoid. Yeah, so like, it's got two like, parallel, two, one parallel and then, you know, you've ever seen a trapezoid, right? I mean, occasionally. Looks like the top of a Pizza Hut. Yeah, that's a good way to say it. Yeah, or like a Pizza Hut slash Wingstop. Right, yeah, cute.

So it's a pretty square eye blowing trapezoid. That's right, yeah, but it's not Rand. Here's the crazy thing I've learned from falling in my holes. It's like, history is written by the winners, huh? Oh yeah, so Arthurian Camelot were not winners in that situation. No, no, no.

No, who won in that situation? I don't know, I haven't been there before today, or yesterday. People who love circles? I guess so, maybe Genghis Khan and his boys. Oh, okay, yeah. So what did you do while you were there, other than looking at the table? I hung out, you know, I was with Merlin, he showed me his staff. It was pretty nice staff.

His staff, oh, okay. His staff, yeah. His staff, right, right. He cut it off with a big old tray, you know? And he put a bit of magic inside and it was like, da-da-bing, da-da-boom, and then he was a wizard. Wait a minute, he put magic inside his staff and then he was a wizard?

Yeah. And he said, da-da-bing, da-da-boom, da-da-bing, da-da-boom, da-da-da-boom. Was it like that commercial, the da-da-bing, da-da-boom commercial? No, it was da-da-bing, da-da-boom. Okay, sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Gwinnivy, real beauty, bit of a look-bing-bada-boom commercial? No, it was Dada-bing-Dada-boom. Okay, sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Gwinnivy, real beauty.

Bit of a looker, huh? Oh, I guess, yeah. Everyone was fighting over her. Six-a-lady, yeah. Yeah. She was like the Helen of Troy, but like of England of a different time. That's a good analogy, I guess. I can ask a question.

Of course, Rudy, you don't have to ask me if you can ask a question. I just want to be polite, my man. No, my... This is your show, Scott. You are my dog. You are my best friend. You are my question. I just want to be polite. This is your show Scott. You are my dog.

You are my best friend. I'm going to ask a question because my boy Scott said I could. Do you have a house? Do I have a house? No, see I have lots of money so I just stay in hostels and I'm always traveling. Because I was saying like how do you get back to places? Yeah, I just fall upward, back out of the hole and back into reality. So you float or fly?

I know I fall upward think I explained it pretty clearly So what do you do like jump into the air sort of like in reverse? Okay upward instead of down. Okay, so it's literally just like reversing a videotape Yeah, you know how they say like Australia's down under. Yes is like up under Oh, I guess so because Australia's at the bottom of the world you can just jump Wow, yeah, come back into the hole and I realize oh I'm where I last was My triples can ask him a question Rudy. Do this gonna be a whole thing with you If you can host he's not my guest he's my best friend

Though this is very Scott is a professional situation. Scott, to avoid this whole thing, ask away my man. All right, you ask away too, all right? All right, we done. Yeah, we're good. Do you fall, do you trip and fall and holes happen to be there,

or do you step into the holes and that's why you fall? Yeah, that's a good question. Thank you. I guess it's like. So you're not sure? I don't know, it's like, this is something that happens to you literally all the time. Right. But here's the thing. Okay. If you're talking to Michael Jordan, right? Oh, yeah. The Kiwi version, Stan Crayon, Stan Crayon, the best basketball player in New Zealand. New Zealand basketball. Right. So if you're talking to him right and you say oh Stan like how does your jump shot work?

He's not gonna say oh first my elbow comes up in then I release the ball and then I follow through right It's just a process. I think I could yeah Very easily he would watch tape and and sort of critique his own form and then I'm not he could even just remember Okay, this is what I do Example did make any sense at all I can describe how I do anything his own form and then adjust. He could even just remember. It's almost as if that example didn't make any sense at all. I can describe how I do anything. It's true. Ask him anything he does. Okay, Dirk, how do you eat breakfast? Well, that's really more of a process. So you're not sure about that? I mean, come on. Wait, it has to be like one motion? Okay,

I lift my arm, I get a spoon, I lift it with my fingers. You lift your arm first and then get a spoon. I lift my arm towards the drawer, I open the drawer with my grip, I get a spoon, I open the cabinet with my other grip. Can you talk about your grip? It's a little bit of my fingers tightening around a rod. Right, it's not like a kung fu grip where it's just iron clad or anything. I open the cabinet, I get my cereal, which is, well, I don't wanna say.

You can say. The source will sell out if you say it on the show. Frosted flurries. Frosted flurries. It's all just the sugar. Right. It's a cereal that I make. It's just sugar in a box.

You make cereal? I make my own cereal. As a hobby or? As a passion, yes. It's a it's a cereal that I make it just you make cereal I make my own cereal as a hobby or as a passion Yes, as a I scrape off the sugar from frosted flakes and just put it in a bag and then I buy that You buy it. How much I sell it on my lawn every time a lot of work I do a lot of work 20 pretzels for that. That's right for one bag Yeah, so wait is just because of your cocaine dealing days? You just like to have baggies of white stuff? It's true. Okay.

I also have a baby powder business. Oh, okay. Why may even better? I put the food in my mouth on a tube. But wait, I still want to know about the whole, like, Yeah, but it's the thing. Okay, so you're suggesting that I'll just carry a videotape around at all times and just

even time my mouth? Not a videotape, maybe a camera. Oh, that's better. Oh, chicken to the egg, huh? No, I think the camera would actually record you doing it. Which came first? Let me ask you, can I ask you a question? No, the chicken or the egg.

Did you ever see the movie Holes? And if so, did you fall down while you watched it? Lewis Secca? Lewis Secca? Shia LaBeouf? I know Shia LaBeouf was in it, yeah. Yeah, but the guy who wrote the original novel? Lewis Secca?

Lewis Secca. Secca? Secca? Have the original novel, Louis Secker? Louis Secker. Secker? Secker? Have you read the book? Saqqa? Saqqa? Is that yes or no? Saqqa!

Y'all read the book. It's pretty good. Yeah, it's a good one. Yeah. Gypsy Kiss, mate, book, huh? I have no idea what you're saying anymore. A gypsy kiss? A gypsy kiss in it. I gotta? Well, we have no idea what you're saying anymore. A Gypsy Kiss? I gotta read that.

I didn't know. A Gypsy Kisses in it? Oh, Curse. Oh, a lot like your husband's book. A Gypsy Kisses. Thinner. Yeah, Gypsy Curse and that. I never realized those two books have that in common.

Oh, but it's a big tea question. Cokesee put a curse on me and I got thinner. Wait, Stephen King put a curse on you? Was thinner like autobiographical? Yes, it was. Oh my gosh. I wrote it. You wrote thinner?

Autobiographical. Wait, are you Richard Bachman? Christine is also autobiographical. Really? It's a biography of a car. So a car? Written by the car. What about Kudrow?

Is that real? Kudrow? Kudrow. Lisa Kudrow is a novel. Where she got rabies? Yeah. Right. Written by Stephen King.

He had to change it a little bit when it finally was published. Well, because of the comeback. Pretty exciting. Wow. Well, don't call it the comeback. Don't call it a comeback. Call it her next show. Kiwi, answer the question, man. Don't call it the comeback. Don't call it a comeback. Call it her next show.

Kiwi, hey, answer the question, man. Did you fall down when you were watching Holes? That was a bit of a movie, though, huh? It was a bit of a movie. You're dodging this question. Yeah, we are filling the holes in Holes. Is that what you fucking want from me? Whoa.

Here's the thing, I'm a casual guy. I'm chill, but you guys are pushing me, talking about my processes that I don't think about, I'm just who I am, all right? All right, I'm sorry, I beg your pardon. Tweak in the ass. I beg your pardon, Kiwi, I mean, I know you're just like a casual guy who falls in holes,

it doesn't really mean that much to him. You hung out with Merlin and Lancelot and Guinevere. I did, sorry. And you have barely anything to say about it other than the trapezoidal table. Yeah. It was fun though. I just had a bit of a freak out, not unlike Stan Cran in the 1995 game

where he scored seven points. Wait, that's, he was freaking out because it was low or high? He was very high. He's the best basketball player New Zealand's ever had. Okay. How did he get seven? Did he do a three pointer or was it a free shot?

It was a free shot, yeah, he got a seven pointer. He got one seven pointer? Kiwi basketball seems very different. But yeah, big tip. I said different, you said nice. Kimmelot's fun though, I've got more to say about it. Go ahead. Can you name other knights of the Tripsoid?

I know there was an owl. A bit of an owl, yeah. There was an owl. Boo-Bo, Boo-Bo, the robot owl. Oh yeah, I met him, he was cool. Yeah. Do you know Lancelot? Bit of a dick.

Oh, I bet. Really? Not a nice guy. Yeah, he was a knight, he was sort of a jock type. Yeah, but he's kissing Guinevere on the low. Cursing? Yeah, was he cursing? No, no, no, no.

Kissing. When you say on the low, do you mean below the waist, or do you? He was eating her pussy? He was eating her pussy, but like quietly and secretly. Quiet. So that makes him a dick? Lach, lach, lach, lach, lach.

Because she's married to off. Hey, man, you got to get down with female pleasure, my man. It's not that. That shit is tight. Are we speaking of marriage? I'm like Tony Soprano. I don't do that. OK, all right. I get you. You gotta get down with female pleasure my man. It's not that it's that shit is tight our split marriage I'm like Tony soprano. I don't do that. Okay, all right From friend to friend a good podcast social deep was

You know what because you tell me that I'm gonna start so anyone who wants it here. Yeah, my grandchildren It's not what you think It's available to any guest who wants it. That's all I'm saying Yes, she's got a lot of hair down there. Who, Miss Grandchildren? I'm very natural. Oh, really? Too natural. Too...

I don't know that anyone can be too natural. You wouldn't be able to find what you're looking for. Well, from my rib cage. Oh, the opposite of you too. Or no, I guess it's exactly what you do with her. You play that song while you go down on her. It's a one-to-one. Not to be forward, but I've been in a lot of dense jungles and still fan of what I'm looking for, so maybe I'll...

But you're always looking to fall in holes. No, well, yeah, I'm not looking to fall in holes, it just happens. So if you ever looked to fall in a hole, would you not be able to fall in a hole? Is it... Chicken and egg. Do you have to sort of like, chicken and egg? What do we mean when we say that? When we say chicken and the egg... Is this a TED talk?

What do I mean? When did we get to the first time you ever heard this? Whoa, a spotlight! What do we mean when we say that? Dirk, we don't have time to listen to your TED talk. Hold on, it's only one minute. 60 seconds on the clock. Speak up, we can't hear you!

This isn't a Q&A! This is part of it. This is gonna go viral. So the chicken, what's he doing? 55 seconds left. Hold on the chicken's a woman and that's the end of the road. I'm worried about my parking. 50 seconds left. I'll validate. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Wait ma'am hold on ma'am. Okay we're out of time. What do you think I should talk about? Too bad. Too bad we're out of time. Ma'am! Very exciting tea time.

What should I talk about, ma'am? I can't hear you, I'm sorry! I guess I didn't get the part. Look, Kiwi, anything else? This is so chaotic. Anything else you want to say about medieval... Yeah, I guess it's like jousting. It's not as fun as you think it is. Justin? Jousting.

Oh, jousting. Yeah. It's not as fun as you think it is. You guys have a lot of trouble understanding my accent, huh? Yeah, well it seems it's either our fault or your fault. I can't tell. Couldn't be mine. Couldn't be at all.

Jousting is fun, but you know it is fun. It's, but not as fun as you think. Jousting is fun, but you know it is fun. There we go, yeah. Do you know? Jousting? He, but you know it is fun. There we go, yeah. Do you know? Jousting? He's about... Swordfighting.

I feel like you gave me the answer. Yeah, but... Jousting is fun, but you know it is fun. Well, it would be bad... Also, jousting... It would be bad to be on the receiving end of a joust when you get hit with a thing. I'm really good at swordfighting, though, I find. Even though I'm a casual guy, I've got a bit of facility with a sword.

Oh, really? So, there's an bit of facility with a sword. Oh really? So there's an instructor who sometimes comes through here. Oh? Fencing instructor. Fencing? Oh, I use broadswords. Oh, okay. Well, I would imagine that there's-

Big old broadswords. Some of the techniques I think would translate, but I wonder if he'll ever come by here. I don't know. I haven't seen him in so long. Well, yeah, that open door policy, I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah.

If anyone could come in here. So did you win did you win a battle? Yeah I won the whole tournament and they were like stay stay be our new king and I was like oh Be the new king? Yeah. What did Arthur have to say about that? Well I beat him he was like yeah you're my new king and I was like oh What? Hey I'm getting sucked back up into reality.

Did he bend the knee? He bent into the knee. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So when you say get- Squirted down to the ground and bent into the knee. You were like reverse falling Uh-huh. I was like, oh I just want but then I was getting sucked up back into the river

That's that's so unfortunate did you want to stay I would be nice but you know reality is cool I could be more casual appears day baking my home. Yeah, you would have had to wear a crown like The exact plot of the movie Falls in a moat outside of a castle and he just wakes up in medieval times They're fascinated by how black he is and then he comes back. That's it all things considered. They were not they arise They were they were pretty tight That's crazy And there was a black princess. That's crazy.

Hey, you want to talk more about this movie outside? I would love to, yeah. Hey, man, Black Knight is tight. How come we didn't watch Black Knight in the last three years? I mean, we love it so much. They don't have DVDs in the Speed Force. I'm so sorry that we don't have that in common, but apparently, like, you and Kiwi, like, you know so much

about Black Knight? Every time I get another friend, it's like you get threatened by it. Well, this happened to us in Speed Force Valentine's Day, too. That was a whole other. Scott, we can't talk about that right now. Okay, fine, look, I'm a little annoyed with Rudy right now. They made a sequel to Speed Force Valentine's Day?

Yeah, Speed Force Valentine's Day 2. Me and Scott were watching it in the Speed Force and we got to a big old fight. And we don't have time to get into that right now. Alright, yeah, we don't have time. We do have to go to a break. Look, we're gonna come right back. We have more surprises. I don't know who's gonna be here. We'll have more Dirk Thirsty, more Emily Grandchildren, more my sort of estranged best friend Rudy North and Kiwi Chris. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. Dirk Thirsty and Emily Grandchildren from corporate have been making copious notes during the break.

Also, Rudy and I, we made up. We made up. You seem, yeah, you seem a little down trodden about it. I feel like we might need to go back to the Speed Force if this friendship is gonna work. I could use another few years with you just to really solidify this. Do you guys mind if we go back to the Speed Force? Is that okay? I mean, we'll just be gone a millisecond. Is that okay? I mean... This seems very unprofessional. We already went. We're back.

Yeah, we're back. Sorry. We just went to the Speed Force. I didn't want to wait for your answer, so I just made it happen. That was a long one. Yeah. What was that? 18 years? Yeah, that was 18. It was, yeah, at least 18. Oh my gosh. You're my... you're the godfather to my son. My Speed Force son.

Congratulations, by the way. And, um... this bond will never break. So welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang. It's a shame that your Speed Force son has to stay in the Speed Force while you're here, but. His Speed Force mama got Speed Force custody. And I'm so sorry that you guys broke up. What's your Speed Force son's name?

Speed Force Frank. Okay. Putting that down. I'm writing that down. I won't be talking about that. And I'll take a lot of notes. And what is Speed Force son's name? Speed Force Frank. I'm writing that down. And I'll take a lot of notes. And what is Speed Force Frank's mother's name? Oh, her name is too long to pronounce. Yeah, I mean it takes just a couple of seconds in the Speed Force, but here it would...

We'll give you extra time to pronounce it. Yes, go ahead now. It would take six months to say the whole thing. Well, say the first second of it. I'm gonna take you through to the Speed Force and say it. Ready? Alright, we back. How long have you guys gone? I feel completely changed forever by my experience.

My heart feels hard. Rudy, you went through the Speed Force without me? Yeah, I did have to just tell him the name. It was like six or seven minutes, so it's fine. It was only six or seven minutes. Hold on a second, I think Dirk is having a heart issue. My heart feels like a rock. Oh That's normal Wait, you just farted. Okay, you're fine. We go we go. All right. Also Kiwi Chris is here. Yeah, I'm like Dora the Explorer, but Kisuel

That's a good description of you. We need to get to our next guest Oh, this is interesting. I don't have any information about them other than their name. But please welcome to the show Entree P. Neuer. How ya doin'? Hi, Entree? How are you? I'm good. How are you?

I'm good. Call me by my full name, please. Entree P. Neuer? Yes. My mother didn't name me Entree-pe-newer for nothing. Wow. Okay. I beg your pardon. I guess it's a custom in human beings to only call someone by half their name? Well, I'm not like other human beings. I'm an Entree-pe-newer. This must have come up so many times in your life. I'm not sure why you're so upset about it right now. Because I'm hot. All right? I'm hot.

You're coming in hot here. I'm coming in hot. It's now. Because I'm hot, all right? I'm hot. You're coming in hot here. I'm coming in hot. It's hot outside, I'm hot inside. Okay, it's so nice to meet you. I'm Scott, I'm the host of the show. Good to meet you. We've never met before.

Scott, last name of the show. I beg your pardon, Scott David Aukerman. Scott David Aukerman. Good to meet you. Okay, this is Kiwi Chris, I believe that's his full name. Oh yeah, what? Good to meet you.

And Rudy North, of course, I know that's his full name. It's Rudimentary North. I can't believe you forgot that. I, it's okay, it's okay. I'm sorry, but it was 18 years ago. Do your show, man. You just reminded me, that never came up in the last 18 years.

Sorry. Andre, how you doing? I'm, excuse me? Who you talking to? Andre P. Noor. I'm good. I'm good. And who are these two?

This is Dirk Thursty. I'm Dirk Thursty. And Emily Grandchildren. They're from corporate. They work for RC Cola. We're here to monitor the show and we're going to report back on what we hear. You work for corporate, you say? Okay, are you looking to invest in some businesses? No! Oh, sorry. They just sneezed.

Sorry, we sneezed. Sorry, please ask a question again. Are you interested in looking to purchase some businesses? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, We're interested in that. And we would look. Have you thought past that? No, not yet. We're not done. We're at the beginning stage. There are a lot of places to look. It's a process. So you have to get all those places, get all your ducks to go.

I have a great business I would love for you to consider thinking about investing in. It is a platform for people to interact with one and another. Oh. Like on the internet, a social media platform, do you mean, or? You've never seen nothing like it before. It is, you can put photographs, captions as well. Put photographs where?

Sounds like Instagram. Or a scrapbook. Does Instagram include captions? I've heard that a few times. It sounds like, but these are old photos. So old they're not eligible for Instagram's Throwback Thursday. Oh.

Oh. They hang it so old. I forget what the cutoff point is. What is the cutoff year for Throwback Thursday? If your photo is older than 40 years, you can't put it up there for Throwback Thursday. It gets deleted. That's in the terms of service.

I forgot. I can't get my baby picture to stay. Never seen a TBT from civil rights era, huh? Yes, whatever he just said, sure. Are you interested in looking to invest in? We're interested in thinking about looking. Yes, exactly. I can't tell, is it on the internet,

is it a social media platform, or is it a literal platform? I don't know the answer to your question Scott David Ackerman, but you go on to the web. Okay. Are we talking about the spider web or are we talking about the actual world wide web? Get on a spider web. That's something.

Will it be any spider web or is it a specific one? Well now you're putting words into my mouth. You can, whatever. Please put words into your mouth. It helps us make sense of this. Words come out of my mouth. They don't go back in, honey. I understand the words that are coming out of your mouth.

Your mouth is exit only. Can you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? I can't understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. Can I say, almost nobody understands the words coming out of my mouth. Rudy, what movie is that from? Oh what? What movie is that?

That's obviously a movie reference. No. You saw another movie without me? Okay, I saw Rush Hour. Right? Is that it? Rush Hour! Rush Hour 2!

Rush Hour 2! I have an idea for a movie as well. I think they did it in both. You do? Yes. We were moving on from this platform? Well, y'all don't seem to understand. Oh, you were describing something that already

existed, Andre. Oh, no. You're telling me that there's a platform where you could put photos that are older than 40 years old? Multiple. Name one. Facebook. He's going down. Okay, okay. Do you know something that we know? Mark Zuckerberg is going down with the government. Please use his full name. Mark Anthony Zuckerberg. By the way, what does the P stand for in your name and why aren't you insisting I use that? It is just P. Oh, it's P-E-E?

It's a Homer J situation. Like that famous tape? It's P-E-E, capital tape? It's PEE, capital E. The last one is a capital E. So it's bookended by some capitals. The P tape. PEE, we are meant. So you're saying Facebook's going down,

so you're pitching a replacement to that. No, it's not a replacement. What I do is original. Say that again? Original. So people will not do the same things they did on Facebook, they will do totally separate things. Yes. This will not be a substitute for Facebook. Yes, people will talk to their parents, people will accept friend requests from their grandparents. Can I ask you a question, Entree P. Neuer? Have you ever been on Facebook? I've seen it from a distance. How far of a distance?

Like a football field? At a coffee shop over a young man. I spoke to him. He said he was a writer, but he spent the whole time on Facebook. Oh, that's pretty common here in Los Angeles. One of the features of your website is I can accept a friend request from my grandparents. Precisely. And you put that in a pitch. You're pitching it.

Precisely. And you can also, that's the second thing in your pitch. If you're not looking to invest in my product, I have other products. Tell us your idea for the movie. A black and an Asian man. A black period and an asian man Too first sentence a black a black period that's subject predicate verb and all of it Okay, yes, and an asian man their police

Okay, okay, and they're going to and just just can I, does someone not understand words that are coming out of someone's mouth? Sure. Sure. And is it a sequel? No, it's called Hush Hour. Okay. Okay. Because the other person... Now hold on. Have you seen A Quieter Place? I've seen A Quiet Place. I don't know what that is, but A Quieter Place is a movie about a family.

Mm. Mm. And they are in, I feel like I'm in church. Thank you for that. Yeah, pitch, pitch oh sister. Pitch oh sister. Pitch oh. Let the spirit of the pitcher get inside you now.

How do you feel the pitch coming inside you? Yes, yes Lord, use me God. Okay, the pitch for a quieter place. A family, a family in a sound studio. One, the father is trying to record a mixer tape. A mixer tape? He wants to record his mixer. This actually genuinely sounds like a cool original one, man.

This is tight, I like this. Thank you. Wait, why am I talking like this now? See, it rubs off on ya, don't it? Sorry. That's pretty cookly, eh? My time is of... Your time is of the essence.

Of the ebony. That's my magazine. That's my magazine of choice. Can we make a quick bit of a question about Russia-ewa? Sure. Hush-ewa. Hush-ewa. Can the Chinese guy touch the bleak guy's radio or no?

Wait, he... The Chinese man don't have no hands in this one. Oh, he so in fact he can't. Why is he Chinese? Why did you assume he's Chinese? Oh, I'm from New Zealand so all the Asian folks were here there. Okay, she just said Asian. I did just say Asian, but I appreciate your help Australian Kiwi, big difference. See, but that's exactly what you just did with Chinese and Asian, you know? I was trying to make a point, do you see? Oh, very good, Entree P. Neuer. Thank you very much. Point received.

Well, if y'all... does anyone have... Point, just like Dirk's beard here. Point received. The end of it, I mean. What did you just put in your coat? My beard. Yeah, as you can see, Dirk's rainbow-colored beard What did you just put in your coat? My beard. Yeah, as you can see, Dirk's rainbow colored beard comes to a point at the end of it.

Oh, I see. Does anyone have any interest in considering these businesses for funding? Let's move on to a different business because I'm not sure about the others. Well, I have interest in considering that. We're looking to be interested in considering this. We are looking. Looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, looking, in considering you we are looking looking

Stop drinking I have a chicken I might be interested in a more original idea Yeah, I didn't want to do this on this podcast but Alright, I didn't want to out this idea because I don't have the patent just yet. It is pendinga. It's pendinga. Okay, well that's good though that it's pending because no one can swoop in there. I've never heard of something patent pending that someone was like got in there a little earlier. Right before, yeah. Well, this one is, this is gonna be my claim to fame.

I can't wait. Great. A rectangular shaped object with four to five seats inside of it. A wheel in front of one seat. A wheel in front of one seat. Look, you're describing a car right now. Hold on, hold on. You're poorly describing a car.

Wait, what does it do? What does it do? What is it about? What is this about? It,the person... Somebody will sit in the car... Oh shit! You just...

You just said car! You pitched a car! You know what a car is! You're just copying ideas! No, the devil doesn't got inside me! You said car! You said Carl. You said Carl and you planted a seed of doubt in my mind.

I beg your pardon. I'm sorry. I don't mean to get in your head. I'm sick to my stomach. Until you said Carl, I genuinely thought you were describing a table but with like a spinning wheel on one end. No, tables are trapezoids. I thought it was one of those theme park rides that's in the water where there's a big wheel and you spin it. Well this is the problem with pitching your ideas is that people have already tried to determine what it is you're pitching before letting you get to the end. That's true. You thought it was a car, you thought it was a table, you thought it was

an amusement park or ride. It's true but as the immortal bard once said, there's nothing new under the sun, maybe every idea is connected. The Bible says that as well. Oh really? There's an ecclesiastes. Did Shakespeare rip off the Bible? Yes he did. Everybody's ripping off the Bible every chance they get. Chicken of the egg, huh? What came first? Jesus or what? Bard of the Bible, yeah, exactly. Ask yourself that. That being said...

Okay, well that's up to you. I'm clear to me the devil is using you, sir. Sir, can I say, I've got a lot of gold from my travels and I'm looking to invest. Yeah, he's very rich. He's so rich he stays at hostels. I stay at hostels. I don't have a home. I live in hostels. So I've got this big of gold right here, right? It's a bit like the balloons. And I've got this big of gourd right here, right? It's a bit like doubloons.

And you've taken this from ancient civilizations. Yeah, this is from my time in Babylon. Right, yeah. Babylon. Okay. You ever read about Babylon in the Bible? Well, you know, no, no. You haven't read the Bible?

I haven't read it because I went back to when it was being written and I was like, let me get out in here. You just sought for yourself. Okay. Okay. So what are you presenting, supposedly, to me? Well, I'm saying that I just want to double my money so I can continue to live in hostels. So here's a bag of gold.

What would you do with it? Yeah. What's his return on, you know, can he get two bags of gold for whatever idea you have? Well, the people that I invest, who invest in me, I should say, are taking a leap of faith. Mm. That I will... I mean, Kiwi takes a lot of...

Yes, use me, God. Kiwi Chris takes a lot of leaps. Yeah. Backwards and forwards. I'll trip and fall into a leap of faith. Okay, well, here's the thing. You can't ask me, ask not what I can do for you, just ask me what I can do with your money.

Right, that's what I'm asking you. What can you do with my money? It seems like you're stalling, Entree P. Neuer. I have ideas for days. Be ye not mistook, I have ideas for days. You seem like a very religious person, are you? No, I'm not into religion. No.

Not my cup of tea. Not your thing. You're agnostic? I'm agnostic. In fact, I'm atheist. Oh, wow. Okay. You definitively know. The Lord does use this atheist a lot.

I know for a fact. That being said. But you believe in the devil. I do. The devil is active. The devil is active. What a shame that we just got the one and we didn't get the other. We just got the devil.

Pure evil. We did get God. Pure evil. That's it. Let me tell you. Yeah. Look, this is what I do with your money, Kiwi Christopher. I will.

It's not my name, but OK. It's Kiwi-stifer-chris. Right. That's my full name. Kiwi, Kiwi-stifer. Kiwi-stifer. So y'all are telling me some of these things exist already for instance a car Yes, heavily established to this point everything you've pitched exists

How in these times these dark times the end times do we before what happens? Satan comes back But there's no religion nothing happens after that nothing. Also, okay. And, but there's no religion, nothing happens after that? Nothing. Also, where is he right now? Oh, he is in San Antonio, Texas. Oh, just comes back to LA? Satan is a big fan of tacos, let me tell you.

I had a taco with him. Anyway, that's neither here nor is it there. We don't have time to get into that, much like Rudy's backstory. I want to get this gold. What I want, you saying cars already exist. You said I'll take your word for it. Okay, thank you. If that is the case, that a car is already a thing,

I would like to create a place where one can go to fuel said thing. So there's an establishment, it's kinda like a rectangle. Could it be a trip? Do you start with the rectangle usually with all your ideas life is a bunch of rectangle in here your body is a rectangle is a rectangle. Oh, I love that. Lose my hair. Hey, Scott, can I talk to you over here for a second?

Yeah, Rudy, you guys. Yeah, what's up, buddy? Hey, Scott. What's going on? There's this big old bag of gold in the room. Yeah, I know. And my dirt bag senses are going off. Please don't punch anyone in the throat.

Throat punch. I want to punch all these people. I want to throw a punch at everyone in the room, and I want to take the gold, Scott. No, you don't have to throw punch all these people. Throw punch. I want to, I want to take, I want to throw punch everyone in the room, and I want to take the gold, Scott. No, you don't have to throw punch anyone. I'm a dirtbag, Scott, through and through. But you could just move really fast,

you have the powers of the flash, you could just steal it without throw punching anyone. Kiwi Christopher. Might I take a moment with you in the corner? Kiwi Christopher Chris. Kiwi Christopher. Can I take a moment with you in the corner here? Sure, yeah.

They plan to steal your gold. Oh. They plan to steal your gold. They plan to steal your gold. Why don't you just, people are evil, the devil is active. Look, why don't you just give it to me? I will keep it for you. Keywistopher, she's trying to get you to invest in a gas station. It already exists. No, listen to me. Hear me out

I didn't want to tell them this I've never invented anything in my life What I don't want them to know but you Take it my bike. I just wanted to me. Take it, my bike. I just wanted to check it for the technology inside of Hensworth 42. So you can steal this idea? You can't invent microphones? Yeah.

Well, things are getting out of control here. I'm taking notes on this. You know, I'm a little worried about your show. Well, this isn't looking good. Look, guys. I started to do your accent. Guys, look. Look, Rudy, don't throw punch anyone. Look, look, guys. I started to do your accent. Guys, look. Look, Rudy, don't throw punch anyone.

Don't steal any gold. We have one guest to get to. I really need to win over corporate, OK? I think this guest is, I mean, I just want to have a nice, pleasant talk show here. We've been doing the show for nine years. It seems like I've never done just a normal episode, other than maybe the Seth Rogen episode and that Mark Maron episode but you know I just want to have

a nice you know what you're right I'm gonna get out of your way I want everyone in this room to get out of Scott's way be supportive be supportive this next interview is gonna be a textbook I just I just want to have a nice pleasant light conversation okay let's get to our next guest. Engineer Brett's handing me our next guest and oh no. What is it? Our next guest. Who is it, James Corden? Who is it?

Who is it, Jims Kimmel? It's not that bad. Is it Jims Kimmel? Is it James Fallon, James Kimmel or James Corden? No, it's this person recently died. Craig Ferguson? No, Craig Ferguson's still with us. James Ferguson? Guys, what Ferguson is still with us.

James Ferguson? Guys, what did I just say about the interview? Please welcome back to the show, Charlie Manson. Oh no! Serial killer Charlie Manson. It is the famous man. It is. Oh no.

Hello, Scott. There's a fucking ghost in here, man. Yes, I'm a ghost. You're an immortal. Why are you so surprised by things like this? It's a g-g-g-ghost. Yeah, I have to say, it really hurts my feelings to float into a room and have everybody say, oh, no. Well, Charlie Manson, I mean, you

were only on the show one time. Yeah. And it was very quickly after you had died. Yeah, I died basically immediately. Almost as if we had recorded it before you died and then had to release it. After I died. Right so there was a lot of confusion there but now you have died you are a ghost. I'm definitively a ghost now. Yeah. Okay and what are you doing here? Oh well you know last time I was here I was going through my bucket list because I was about to die Yeah, you would set up your mop you would carve the swastika into a mop in order to trick the guards.

I carved the swastika into my mop, pulled the covers up to my forehead everybody said that's all Charlie Manson. Classic switcheroo? It was a classic switcheroo. No throw punches, but a classic switcheroo nonetheless. And I don't punch. Throw a button. Excuse me? Sorry, go ahead. And boy, I thought once I turned into a ghost,

I would be home free, but I have so many obligations. I've got so much unfinished business. What'd I tell you? The devil is acting. Yeah. Are you trapped on this earth until you complete some of your business? You bet I am.

I have to walk around this earth until I finish my business. And one of my big points of business was going on a podcast for the second time. To clear up all of the confusion that. Yeah, I've been on a couple podcasts once, but I've never been asked back. OK. I did a dough boys.

Oh, you did? Yeah. It was Arby's. It was Arby's. It was Arby's. It was Arby's. It was tight. Yeah, it was. I had never been It was Arby's. It was Arby's. Yeah, it was. I had never been to an Arby's.

I think I heard you on This American Life. Yeah, I told a story. It sounds like you've been on a lot of podcasts. I heard you on Savage Love talking about your relationship issues. Yeah. You should have been on Serial, the original podcast. I tried and they wouldn't let me. Is that why you killed all those people to get on Serial before it was around?

I thought it would really be helpful. I was like, oh, I know one day a baby is going to be a baby. I'm like, oh, I know. I'm like, oh, I know. I'm like, oh, I know. I'm like, oh, I know. I'm like, oh, I know. I'm like, oh, I know. I'm like, oh, I know. I'm like, oh, I know. I'm like, wouldn't let me. Is that why you killed all those people to get on serial before it was around? I thought it would really be helpful.

I was like, oh, I know one day there's a baby called Sarah Koenig and one day she's going to be a cracker jack crime reporter. Charlie, Charlie, I feel like I have to jump in here. To be fair to Charlie, he never killed anyone. That's true. That's true, I guess. Let's all stop throwing around accusations. But they found him culpable, and they locked him away. That's different, though, isn't it?

In the eyes of the law? What do you mean? In the eyes of the law. In whose eyes are you talking about? He never actually killed anyone. I think that deserves a say. Why are you an apologist for Charlie Manson? Well, I mean, when Charlie died.

You are someone who saw their parents murdered right in front of them. Exactly, and so I know the difference when someone is killing someone and when they're not. And so there are a lot of people standing around when my parents were murdered. I'd love to say that they killed... Wait, but did they give the orders? Yes, but that's not the same thing. Those people are responsible. Listen, I remember when Charlie died, there were a lot of people on Twitter And I was so glad to see this very quick to say Charles Manson never actually killed anyone And I thought it was great. They were making that I love Twitter. What's your handle Emily grandchildren one?

So it seems like you would have way more important things to do, Charlie. I mean, you know, there's Roman Polanski, there's the, you know, the. What about him? I don't know, didn't he have something to do with all this? I finished, that's all business, I finished, I've done. You seem to have a very poor grasp on

what happened back then. You just blam Roman Polanski. Look, I never read Helter Skelter because I had a roommate who kept it in a trunk in his closet with a lot of other Charles Manson memorabilia. Why did they make it that that was the only way we could find out about that story? They confined it to that book. Look, I didn't look up the Wikipedia.

Wikipedia is irresponsible. I wouldn't recommend it. So you came back here to be on the show and okay well thank you. Well thank you. You're the only one who would let me back. But I can't stay long. I'm very busy. I gotta do so many other things. Okay well bye. By the way the only reason you were able to get in here, I didn't have you back, it's this open door policy that you guys are talking about.

Well, I will say, she didn't really come in, I mean, he didn't really come in through the door, I mean. I came in through the door. Yeah, but Manson just sort of phased through it. Yeah, how, if we close this door for the tenth year and beyond, I mean, how is this going to affect ghosts and then also people like Rudy who can phase through things. I got the powers of the flesh. You should have, I mean, you would have all ghosts,

which I think would be a terrific lineup. Better than usual. You wouldn't have me here. You wouldn't have me. Yeah, you're very much alive. Oh, no, no, no. I don't do ghosts. You don't think you're going to turn into a ghost when you die?

Oh, no, honey. What are you afraid right now? Shooketh call me. Well, not everybody gets to turn into a ghost when you die I don't know if any of you know this cuz none of you know dead. Well, entrepinure Thinks that nothing happens after we die other than turning into a ghost if you're a certain type of person Yeah, and I can't die. So well what happens is you go to heaven, and you get a choice. You can be a ghost, a skeleton, or a lizard. No.

So wait, you can... Skeleton or lizard. Lizard. All scary, lizard. Lizard, big old lizard. Well, a small one, not a big one. No, I'm not talking iguana. I'm not talking monitor lizard.

No, the little ones. You're talking about a gecko. I'm not even a gecko. I'm not talking iguana. I'm not talking monitor lizard. No, the little ones. I'm not even a gecko. I'm a dry desert lizard. But you went to heaven? Yeah, everybody, it's a misnomer. Everybody goes. Everybody goes, but not everybody stays. Charles, I have a question. Oh, sure.

Emily grandchildren are a sicko. Emily grandchildren won on Twitter. So I hate when people take the Emily grandchildren zero. Give them a. Is it that- Emily grandchildren one on Twitter. So I hate when people take the- Give them a follow. Are you team follow back? I'm team follow back. Okay, great. When you say one of the choices is skeleton.

Sure. Is it an animated skeleton that walks around or is it just a skeleton lying there? Or do you mean the skeleton that like goes into the earth that everyone like- No, a Halloween skeleton. Oh. Spooky.

Like something a teacher puts up on a bulletin board. Yeah, which could be fun if you get No, a Halloween skeleton. Oh! Spooky! Decorations. Like something a teacher puts up on a bulletin board? Yeah, which could be fun if you get put in a good place. Can you dance now with your skeleton? Can you be a spooky dancer? Do you do one of those jigs or like doing the kick lines with other skeletons? Yeah, kinkin! Well, only if someone holds you up and makes you dance.

Or if you're lucky enough to be battery operated. Can someone take your bones and then pound on your skull, almost like, you know, and it sounds like a xylophone? Unfortunately, people can do whatever they please, Scott. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Exactly. Someone can do any kind of Little Mermaid song on you. Under the sea situation.

So now you can see why I opted not to be a skeleton. Yeah, because you have no longer have agency over your own body. No, you don't. It's all a fun. But you're sentient. You're aware that all these things are happening. You can see and feel and hear everything. Cannot communicate though.

No. You can only communicate if, again, you're lucky enough to be battery operated and you can say, woo, or chatter. Some skeletons say, keep out. Charles, could I ask? Yeah. Who would choose that option? That seems normal to me. I think I'm more who they go I.

Helen Keller is a skeleton. Helen Keller? She is. She didn't know any better. Well, she can see now, finally. Can she hear? Skeletons don't have eyes, Scott. But wait, I thought that you said

it was pleasant to look at the kids. Is Helter Skelter in the book about Helen Keller being a skeleton? Oh my gosh. We finally did it. That's what it's about. It's certainly what it's about. Well, this is, I mean.

President Roosevelt is skeleton. Andre Pinure, I don't know if this is shaking your very belief system, I mean. Well, what did I tell you I was before? You were an atheist who didn't believe. Shooketh. Shooketh, right. A shooketh atheist. You know. Yeah, I hadeth. Shooketh, right. Shooketh atheist.

You know. Yeah, I had to pick between Shooketh and atheist and I picked atheist. It was a 50-50 chance though, you gotta give it to me. Sure, sure. I like that you know, Martha. So, now that I'm here in the presence of a ghost, I would like to ask a question or two.

Please, the floor is yours. When you got to heaven, what you see you claim you saw? Um, it was wonderfully lit. It looked like a Very bright. It was lit. It looked like a big Ikea in Burbank. It was lit. It was lit as hell. Not lit like fun. It was not fun? It wasn't fun? No, it wasn't fun at all. I'll say the Ikea in Burbank is lit as hell.

Ikea and Burbank is fun. She's super lit. Good timing. It's so fun to be there. Whoa, yeah. I'm, you know, if I, if what Charles says is true, and I... Let's take him at his word, though, because he's... A killer.

Trustworth. Well, that is true. I am a delegator. I'm not a killer. I'm a terrific manager. Well, Charles... He. I'm a delegator. I'm not a killer. I'm a terrific manager. Well, Charles. He's like a project manager. Yes.

Creative director, perhaps. Creative director, you say. Have you ever started a business? It's one of my elements of unfinished businesses. I never started a business. Oh, well, this is perfect. Do you have money? I have ghost money, which is all bats.

Ghost money? What's the exchange rate with speed force money and ghost money? And what's the exchange rate with pretzels as well? Yeah. Yeah, we need to have a lot of courage. How many pretzels is it? One bat is 10 pretzels. 10 pretzels.

That's a good price. OK. Yeah, this is not bad. OK. Have you all ever seen that comedy special when the man says, these pretzels are making me thirst? actually Believe we talked about it

Because actually Emily's husband loves to do that. It's true. My husband Stephen King Yeah, say that he wishes he was funny. He was just he was Seinfeld. Oh Who Stephen King wishes he was fun and sure? Yeah, sure? Stephen King wishes he was funny. It's canon. Sure. Yeah. Sure. It's definitely canon. Sure. Well. It's on the Wikipedia.

I have an idea. Wikipedia. Oh, you got an idea? Wikipedia. I do have an idea, and I think it looks like y'all are fans of pretzels around here. That seemed to have gotten you. Oh, definitely.

Big pretzel fans. Been mentioned many times. Weirdly. OK. Yeah. I think we should maybe consider if anyone has the money for such an idea Pretzels with a substance a peanut butter inside of the pretzel, okay You're not even describing a high, like it's not even a cool good business. I think it sounds like a terrific idea.

I'll give you 400,000 baths. Your money is useless to me. 400,000 baths is ten times that in pretzels. Yeah, that's four million pretzels. You can use those pretzels to start your pretzel coming. And if you have a contract like mine, that's $4 million. What? OK.

I'm asking how many people you can make thirsty with that many pretzels. Then maybe I'll create a clear substance that people can drink. Like a clear peanut butter, I was going to say. Because I'm interested in a clear peanut butter. Like a gel. So it looks like the gel that you know when you're getting like an ultrasound. Scott it already exists. It's ghost peanut butter. All I can get is how I can't tell you how much I just want brown peanut butter. Every day I'm just chowing down on clear peanut butter. I want to chow down on brown. I hate when it's tan.

I just want a good spoonful of brown PB. God damn it. You wanna go to brown town and chow down. See, these are the only people, these two business people. No, don't be, be ye not mistook. They talking about eating eggs. Hey, shut up, Entree Peanour.

I'm glad Comedy Bang Bang got back on track for the last interview. They talking about eating ass. Scott David Aukerman. Yes, Entree Peanour. You said you have $4 million per episode. Well, no, I'm saying that if you get 4 million bats, you can, if you have my particular contract, which is I get paid in dollars instead of pretzels. It was a mistake, apparently. You get four million bats you can if you have my my particular contract which

Is I get paid in dollars instead of pretzels it was a mistake How many dollars? I know it's not cooced to ask We're not bringing it back to how much money I make How much per episode have you considered possibly thinking about investing in a business? Kewistifer is the one with all the money Heck, nobody wants my gold I can't do that I want your gold. Oh god. Sorry, I throat punched right through Charles Benson. Oh, you punched me in the dick. Oh, that was your dick? Yeah, my dick is throat level. Oh, lucky. He is

very tall. I'm so sorry, I don't know why I did that. Rudy, you took the gold, the gold is gone now. You put it into the speed force. Yeah, my dirtbag instincts kicked in I've got a whole big old room full of it at home Scrooge McDuck you gotta exchange that for cash for cash for cash You want to be able to make it rain and thunderstorm. Are you just pitching a gold for cash business now? cash business now? Kish for gold? Gold for Kish? What? No, but I do have one last idea. If this ain't it, kill me loud, Lord, and by Lord I mean Satan. Okay, do you want Satan to take you? If this don't work out, sure. Okay, alright. What's the last idea? Everyone gets a paycheck, correct? Sure. yeah. If you're employed, okay?

Hell yeah. I find gold if you- Big sack of pencils. Sure, count that as your paycheck. I get a check from the government. Yes. What? All ghosts get a check from the government.

Isn't that, I didn't realize- Is that where our tax dollars go? Entitlement programs. Yeah, part of your tax dollars, they're going to ghost bucks. Charles, if you don't mind my asking you, how much do you get? You're a Republican? This never came up. Well, if you don't mind my asking you, how much do you get? This never came up.

Well, if I got to convert it from, I get 2000 bats, which is $400 a month. That is insane. I mean, for a ghost, that's a lot of money. Yeah. Well, my rent is through the roof. No, cause ghosts have, there's rules about what ghosts can eat.

You gotta buy fruit. You gotta buy fruit, clear peanut butter, and you can only eat between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. Oh. You wouldn't believe the rules imposed on ghosts. Oh man, it almost makes me want to be a lizard. Well that's what I'm saying. I thought for sure lizard went to the bottom of the list. I said, no way am I being a lizard.

I want my eyes in the front of my head. Helter Skelter isn't at the bottom of the list? Being a skeleton? No, I Skeleton see I had to learn more about the skeleton deal before I said no, thank you I was in the office for a good two and a half hours before I made my choice Wow, what's the business style? Thank you Thank you Kiwi Christopher, Christopher, whatever the your name, for redirecting because this is it. Everyone gets a paycheck. Everyone gets a paycheck. Everyone gets a paycheck. I don't trust the government.

Raise your hand if you don't trust the government. That's every hand raised. Thank you. So great. We did it silently. Y'all all wear quiet clothing. So, everyone. Are you just, is quiet, quiet clothing. So everyone- Are you just, is the invention quiet clothing? No, I don't, what is that? Come on. You want people to hear when you approach? Yes.

Otherwise muggers would be- I'm not scared of no mugger. I ain't got no money for a mugger. Well, if you sell this business, you will. Well, hear me out. Okay. Deal. Is that a deal? No, I'm not buying your business.

Oh, you spoke too soon, Scott. God damn it. You just made a deal. You committed yourself. Alright, what did I buy? What did I buy? Okay, it's a business, it's a service, where you can bring your paychecks,

and people will give you cash in return. Check cashing place. What? Check cashing place. A bank. I just cash in return check cashing place what? Check cashing place. I just invested in a check or a bank. Yeah, which is it? Why was your first? Place and not bank because I don't trust banks and mr. Scott David a hawkman was listening Okay, so it is a check cashing place Know what that is Scott back. It's a place where you get checks cashed. I want to talk about the quiet clothes.

Because I have to wear regular clothes from the world. And everybody gets frightened because of how loud my clothes are inside my invisible clothes. Well, then you need to talk to my brother, because I'm not invested in quiet clothes. Talk to my brother. Who's your brother? Who's appetizer, P. Neuer. because I'm not investing in quite clothes. Talk to my brother. Wait, who's your brother? Wait, who's Appetizer P. Newe? Appetizer. Appetizer. Appetizer.

Appetizer. Appetizer. He has a P middle name as well? Mm-hmm. I can also use quiet clothes. Cause you know when you're sleeping in a hostel with like 10 people, but you gotta get up to take a beathrum break, right?

A beathrum break. A wake them up cause you're so weird. What is a beathrum? Beathrum? Wait, you don't even know what a bathroom is? Well, what the hell did he say? A bichrom yoga. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. When you get up from a horse bill and- From a hospital? A horse bill? Are you sick? Do you live in hospitals? Are you sick? Look, I think it's falling apart right now.

We're running out of time. So that's how you wrap it up. Okay, taking a note. Okay, look. So it's falling apart right now. We're running out of time. So that's how you wrap it up. Okay, taking a note. Okay, look. So it's falling apart right now. We're not wrapped up yet. We just have one final feature on the show.

It's a little something called Plugs. I like plugs and plugs like me They come at the end of CBP Plugs are my favorite part of the show Plugs tell me everything I need to know And out! Oh no! Your shows, your gigs, what will you do? Perform, record, and out! No? Oh, okay. Your pics, your tweets, what will you do? Perform, record, and post.

Your posts, your tweets, the latest projects from you. Now the chorus. Oh boy. Oh, whoa. Hey, tricked us. Now the chorus and it was out. Wow, that was right up my alley. That was Plugs Like Me by Scott X. Watkins.

Thank you for providing your full name. Andre P. Neuer is probably very happy about that, Scott. I love that he did that and that was a fantastic tune. Very good. All right, so what do we want to plug here, guys? Obviously it's the last day of April, the beginning of May. What do we want to plug? Well, you know, you do a show and we...

Yeah, I'm doing it right now. Yeah, no, and we've been listening for our job, of course. Yeah, thank you. We also have to listen behind the paywall. Well, yes, we have to listen to other shows behind the paywall and... You're listening to every show that I do? Yes.

And we listen to your show, Freedom, and we like it very much. Oh, Freedom. Now that one, so clear. Closed door policy. That one is good. Now that one, so clear. Close door policy. That's right. Close door policy. That's the show that I do with comedians

Paul F. Tompkins and Lorne Lapkus, where it's just the three of us. We don't have guests. There are no characters. That's on Stitcher Premium, that show. Yes, and I like the show Raised by TV, which is a very funny show about old TV shows, and it's free for everyone.

You like old TV shows, you're a 48-year-old man. I like to hear what 32-year-olds like. And one 48-year-old. Yeah, one time. Wow, okay, so people can check out Freedom by going to stitcherpremium.com slash Freedom and entering the code THREEDOM for a full month for free of Stitcher Premium, is that right? And speaking of free, there's a podcast called Spontaneination that I've personally been

monitoring that's completely free every Monday. Could you give me the oral report on that? It's just a good time. Oh wow, that's the extent of it. Well, Emily usually writes her reports. Oh okay. She wasn't able to be ready. I'm not good with oral.

Okay. Do you know what I mean? She's kidding of course. Look Stephen would not be happy with you coming onto me. So you didn't know what I mean. I guess I didn't. Spontaneonation, raised by TV, Freedom, these are all good other shows that you can listen to.

So please check those out. Alright, let's see. Rudy, what do you want to plug? Well, I want to plug our friendship. Look, man. I love you. I love you, man. I'm sorry. You're like a brother to me. I mean, you're closer than a brother to me. How?

You're like my... What does that mean? I guess like a spouse like a spouse like we Married yeah Scott. I do want to play I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry situation. Yeah, not pronounce you Scott and Rudy That's a that could be a podcast. I now pronounce you Scott got Rudy that hey, why not? I talked to the stitcher people Okay, I do want to plug a podcast called Hollywood Handbook. What? No, they were here at the beginning. These two dirtbags do a show.

No, it's a lost cause. Hollywood Handbook? Yeah. The pro version? Yeah, it's not... I think it's a good podcast. It's my favorite year of a podcast. It's our favorite in the main offices. It is, right?

Yes. Hollywood Handbook. Every one of the corporate loves Hollywood Handbook. Everyone loves Hollywood handbook. Yes That show will never be canceled. Okay. All right. All right. So Hollywood handbook nothing else. Nope. That's it. All right Keywistopher, what do you want to play? I'd like to also plug a podcast called warm bit up pretty good. Jesus Why won't you unplug my show? Cause, I don't know. They treat me with respect man.

3 weeks ago when I had a Jon Hamm episode, everyone was plugging it. Which one? Commuted Bing Bing? Yeah, now no one talks about it anymore. I wish those ads had worked. The old news, Scott. Anything else? Listen to that. You can also watch AP Bio on NBC Thursday nights. Or it's on Hulu for you. Great. For me for everybody for everyone

Yeah, even for King Arthur. I turned him on to it back then. Oh, really he likes it a lot Did you bring your smartphones or something? Yeah, I brought my whole TV with me Oh your entire TV. You were carrying a TV and just fell in a hole. I was moving it And I tripped and fell into all timetime England did they think it was magic oh well you know they got Merlin there so it's all magic to them right Melanin what Melanin Merlin Merlin is a black guy Baltimore Merlin that is Merlin's full name Baltimore Merlin and he's a black guy we'll get into it next time I'm on. Okay next time we definitely have to remember that Entree P. Neuer, what do you want to plug? I would love to plug a podcast

Which one? this African American life Who's the host of that? Iraq cup Very black name Middle name two girls one? How'd you know? You know him? I've heard of him. He's a nice man. Light skinned black man. Oh, okay. Yeah very like Dorothy Dander Rashida Jones She could pass right sure? Sure, sure.

I thought she was white for a second. Nope, black. Through and through. Oh, boy. All right. Is that Aunt Vivian from season five? Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Freshman's in my lap, man. Charlie Manson, what do you want to bug? I know I have some. Oh, you got more? You got more? What do you got? Don't you cut me off, Scott David. How dare I? Lena Horne. How dare you got more? You got more? What do you got? Don't you cut me off, Scott David.

How dare I? Lena Horne. How dare you? Lena Dunham. Lena Dunham? Charlie, what do you got? I just want to go back onto Doughboy. All right, let's close up the old blood bag.

Let's close it up. Blood bag, it's time to open it. It's time to open up the bag! It's time to open it! It's time to open up the bag! It's time to open up the bag! It's time to open it! It's time to open the bag! It's time to open up the bag! It's time to open up the bag!

It's time to open up the bag! It's time to open up the bag! Open up the bag! Open up the bag! Open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, open up that, situation where you can get into a lizard body or anything? Is this what you're stuck with? I only if I commit three good deeds within three minutes. Uh oh. It's too fast. It's too fast. I can't. You try it, nobody can. It's like that saltine challenge. You're eating a Tide Pod. You can't do it. If you save someone from drowning, that's a good three minutes by itself.

Yeah, but three minutes here is three years in the speed force wait a minute Maybe you could take I'll take this ghost Charlie into the speed force And you can do three good deeds and turn into a lizard. I would love that. Do you guys want to do that right now? Let's do it. Okay. Okay. We just did it Wow, Charlie man's is a lizard. He's a little lizard with a beard. With a swastika in his forehead. I still got the swastika. So good.

Things worked out for Charles Manson. So good. Me too, I'll report this. Entree Pinure, so good to meet you. Will you come back with your brother, Appetizer? Appetizer, Peter. Appetizer. I would love to meet him.

Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Kewistopher, so great to see you again. Yeah, good to be here Scott. Good luck. Good to see you when I come back from Trivels. Yeah, hope. Kewistopher, so great to see you again. Hey, yeah, good to be here, Scott. Good luck. I'll probably see you when I come back from my travels. Yeah, hope you replenish that gold.

Oh, I've got a lot. It doesn't need it. Yeah, okay. And Dirk and Emily, or I'm sorry, Dirk and Ms. Grandchildren. So what do you think? Oh. Well, we weren't really paying attention.

What? We were texting about something we have going on That's what you were doing, just texting each other? Anything you ever heard us say after the initial time that we had a conversation with you? Yeah, making a note of this We were just saying stuff out loud It was actually in response to what we were writing in our chat You were asking very specific questions to all of us

Of each other Oh, I'm glad it worked out that way Were you all talking to us? You guys were having a side conversation this whole time? The entire time. I never knew what was going on. This is an M. Night Shyamalan twist. So I guess just keep doing what you're doing.

Okay, thank you. We'll have to report that it's going fine, I guess. Tell you what, I'll do it for another year. Is that okay? Yeah. Okay, cares. All right, guys, I want to thank you. I want to thank the listeners.

Thank you so much for sticking with us for nine years. I want to thank, of course, our engineers, including engineer Brett. Don't get on, Mike. He can't talk. Oh, that's right, he's been throat punched. Throat punched. Thanks to everyone out there listening.

Thanks to all of you. It's been my pleasure to be here for so long. Um. That didn't come out the way I wanted it to come out. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. Click, click, click, click, click. Alright, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye!