Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Wain Packaged Foods (David Wain, Dan Lippert, Ele Woods)

Episode Date: July 23, 2026

On this Bonus Bang, director/writer/comedian David Wain of "Wet Hot American Summer" fame joins Scott once again for some more Wainscotting! David talks about his new food product, making a musical movie with the Off Book crew, and his famous George Burns impression. Then, broadcaster/NBA superstar Bill Walton returns to promote his new book. Plus, concerned mother Amber Bolt stops by to talk about her daughters’ dance routines. Originally released January 30, 2022. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. Now, this week's bonus bang, of course, if you've been tuning in regularly, you know we are in the middle of a very, very exciting and important series. This series is called Swiss You Are Here, where we are showcasing NBA All-Star and sportscaster Bill Walton. Bill, of course, played by CBB All-Star and Sportscaster Dan Lippert. And what do we have this week? We have, oh, this episode is called Wayne Packaged Foods.

We have David Wayne, of course, of Wet Hot American Summer Fame, which is celebrating its 25th anniversary this summer. And we have Dan Lippert as Bill Walton, and then we have Ellie Woods playing Concerned Mother Amber Bolt. Now, this was originally released on January 30th, 2022, is episode 742. And Comedy Bang Bang, if you're listening, and I hope you are, and you haven't turned us off yet.

We're still out on the road in the middle of our 2026 ground beefing tour. I believe right now we are in the middle of the UK and Ireland. That's Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, and myself. And we have plenty of dates still ahead of us. So don't miss your chance to catch me and Paul F, along with the CBB All-Stars as we come to a city near you. The live shows are amazing. They've been really, really fun. check out all of the tour dates and buy tickets at CBBworld.com slash tour. Now, if you enjoyed this

episode, you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as our other shows. Comedy Bang Bang Presents. Scott hasn't seen, The Neighborhood Listen, College Town. Become a subscriber at CBBworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from CBB, every live episode we've done, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like Bill Walton's podcast, E. Pray Dunk, which is available in the CBB Presents feed. Plus, we're releasing all of the live episodes we're doing the very next day for all of the Maximus subscribers. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

My winning streaks extend from the ball field to my undies. What? Okay. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. I somehow thought that was, it was supposed to be Battlefield. And then when I actually read it aloud, as they say, it turned out to be ballfield. I guess ball field is where one plays baseball. Yeah.

I'm looking to my guess. for any kind of support. I think it means that you're a winner in playing baseball and in the area of sex. Oh, okay. Well, I do. I also believe the streaks pertain to some sort of either seminal fluid or... Dukey Streaks. Dukey Streaks.

Yeah. Well, welcome to Comedy Bang, Bang, nonetheless. If you're having dooky streaks out there or if you're just someone who has regular, regular undies, welcome to the show for another week. And my name is Scott Ackerman. We have a very good show. coming up for you. A little bit later, we have a,

speaking of ball fields, we have a ball player. Oh. A little bit later. That's exciting. Yes, it is. Are you a fan of professional organized sports? Anything involving a ball?

Anything involving a ball? Yeah. So, discus, not my thing. Unless we're going for the things that are not your thing. Well, I'm just trying to talk about ball-related things. I find the sports that I like,

and I like the ones that have a ball. Okay, but swinging from vine to vine like Tarzan did. No. And anything, skiing, surfing. If it doesn't have a ball, I'm out. What if you were to introduce balls on surfboards? Yeah, well, believe me, I have done that on my vacations with my family.

No offense. I don't understand. Because my balls fall out because I'm such a bad surfer. You're so bad that your balls fall out of your swim shorts? Believe me, my surf instructors are not happy about this. Also, a little bit later, we have a concerned parent, a concerned mother, actually. I don't know whether she's a parent. I guess you can't be a mother without being a parent.

Is that safe to say? Can't be a mother without being a parent? I guess you can be a former mother. Or if it's just like, look at this mother. Please don't do that. Not in 2020. No, no, no. All right.

Well, that'll be coming up a little later on the show. But before we get to them, of course, you know, we couldn't let 2022 slip by and boy, we were close. We were close, but we got you in right under the wire at the beginning of the year. We couldn't let it slip through our fingers without doing a little patented wainscoting. Oh, God. Our incredible segment on the show, he has been on the show many times. You know him as the director of such movies as they came together, Wanderlust.

I want to say road hogs, but that's not something, right? Role models. Role models, but roadhogs is a good way. Is that a... Roadhogs is something I'm in development with my team right now. Oh, really? Your whole team? Yeah, the whole team. Your entire team.

Well, we have to figure out who's going to play each of the different hogs. It's animated. Oh, okay. So when you get a project going, you assemble a whole team of actors? No, I have a whole team in my office of like 35 people. Just at the ready. Yeah, at the ready. And when somebody comes in, sometimes comes in, sometimes comes,

me come in this pitch an idea and they're like, how about roadhogs? And then immediately I yell back to the team, Roadhogs. And then they all like scurry and put up a whiteboard. The typewriters out, the whiteboard. And then decide, you know, oh, maybe one roadhog is sloppy and his name is Bruce and on from there. This actually sounds pretty good. Is that part of it? Yeah, yeah. And we got Bruce Willis, so thank you. Whoa. How are you going to get him to be sloppy? Because he's very known for being fastidious. I know. That's the whole thing. So what we did is we got a sloppy consultant to work with him. Oh, okay.

And he's been doing it for six months. A real slopmeister? A slopmeister, yeah. A slop maven, he calls himself. Oh, okay. He should be a guest on your show soon. We should, oh, really? Yeah. He's a slop maiden.

I've never had a slop maven on the show, I believe. A lot of entrepreneurs. It's a whole business. Who knew? So he is an entrepreneur. He's an entrepreneur in that, yeah. Okay, so we had a lot of entrepreneurs on the show. Then we had to stop having them on because we segueed into small business owners.

Right. And then 2022, we have people who say, oh, no, a lot. Okay. So we'll see if that streak continues, much like the ball field. Sometimes things circle back. Yeah, totally. I'd love to circle back with you about that, but we have to introduce you. He also directed a little movie called Wet Hot American Summer as well as the television show based upon the same intellectual property.

Please welcome back to the show, David Wayne. Great to be back. Always, great to be back. Always great to have you back. When you're not back, I don't like you not being back, but when you're back, you're back. I mean, it's a Monday.

It totally is a Monday. Welcome back to the show. Thank you, Scott. I mentioned wet hot American summer. Did we get that out of the way? Yeah. Okay, good. We had the 20th anniversary since I was last...

20th anniversary of what? Of the movie coming out? Believe it or not. So not the germ of the idea. The germ of the idea was, more than 20 years ago. I would hope it wasn't less than 20 years ago. You thought of this after you came out.

Sometimes we've done it that way sometimes where you make the movie, release it, and then maybe a year or two later, you have that germ seed. The germ of that idea where like, this would be a good idea for a movie. Oh, I already made it. It doesn't usually work as well

done in that order. Over time, you learn the best order. The best order is usually like, think of the idea. Then do the idea. It's just filmmaking stuff. you know, I'm happy to pass it along now that I'm To the next generation. Yeah.

He's heading towards retirement. You're the elder filmmaker, of course. And you are headed towards retirement. That's great. Yeah, I'm excited about that. I found myself in filmmaking retirement unexpectedly. Me too. The pandemic hit and, oh, I guess I'm retired.

Yeah. It's been fun. It's been good. Unscheduled two-year little vacation, which is nice. Yeah, it's been really nice. Yeah. And we're out in my backyard, by the way, if you heard a bird fly by. Did you see that bird fly by?

Yeah. What was that? A taradactal? I think we're in Jurassic World or something here. I don't know. Oh, man. What is next? Because you have Jurassic Park.

Is this now a scripted podcast adventure? I believe so. So Jurassic Park starts first, right? And then what's bigger than a park? Suddenly they go to the world? I mean, there's got to be an intermediate. Well, you'd think next would be Jurassic Universe, but I'm sure the world. Because the studio is universal, they're not going to let them bite off that.

Oh, they're not going to let. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it becomes like, oh. But I would think, like, go from Park to, like, Jurassic Town. Sure. You know, like with its own zip code or something. Jurassic County. Yeah, then maybe Jurassic State, Jurassic Country, then Jurassic World, you know, it seems like we we skipped a bunch of steps.

But sometimes, you know, we could, on Netflix, you can go back in the timeline like you would do with a Marvel thing. we can do Jurassic County. Okay, I'd love to do that with you. Yeah. Let's get out of retirement. I'm going to get, hey. Could that be the one project that gets David Wayne and Scott Ockerman out of retirement?

Let me talk to the team. Are they back there right now, the 35 of them? I just ignited them. Do they all have their special skills? Is it like the dirty dozen times three? Yeah. Like, for example, Maureen, great with jokes about boobs. Because she has them?

She doesn't. Oh, she doesn't? Oh, okay. No. What is she? She's a double A? She is a cat. Hmm.

So you've taught a cat to type jokes about boobs. Oh, no, she doesn't type. She dictates. Oh, okay. We have another team member of the team is the great typist. Oh, okay, that's their one skill. Yeah, his name is actually Scott, coincidentally. Oh, that is quite a coincidence.

Yeah, but your name is Scott Ockerman. This guy's name is Scott Glendale. Scott Glendale, really? Was the town named after him? his family? I think his family, not him, obviously. Oh, yeah. But I think maybe his great, great-grandfather was John Glendale. Johnny Glendale or something. Yeah, I heard about him, yeah. He got to California. He raised an entire, like, strawberry field. And he's just like, let's put an olive garden here.

And they were all great typists. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's how, that's the only way you can start a real town is by typing up the documents of like, you know. People don't realize that. That's, that's the skill that really makes people shine above. That's why, for example, Bill Clinton became president. People do not know that. He was, he aced the typing test.

Yeah. He knew where, he also kept his fingers on the home keys at all times. Except for the times his fingers were other places. Don't get me started. I know you're joking, but he actually did have a few deliances. I know, I'm joking and I hope you're joking right now,

but are you not joking? I wish, I know you're, this is like you're kidding around, but Bill Clinton actually did. have a, I happen to know, some pretty... You got the inside scoop on this? Unsavory. Well, some of it was in the news, and I'm not going to... A lot of people have wiped it from their minds in the ensuing years.

Well, a certain Monica should have wiped something else, but... I think that was the issue, is she did wipe it. I don't know. And then kept it. You know, I didn't read all the details. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. I want to read those details at some point, because it sounds interesting. It sounds like the kind of salacious story.

that I'm interested in, but I've never followed up. You know, if it's all right with you and your audience, I'd love to do some of the research and then come back to you on another episode. Come back. Having done the follow-up work. Should we schedule that right now? And I can tell you the name of who was involved and everything else.

Sure. I feel like someone named Pat was involved. Could be. Maybe Pat's so well. Yeah. That's the kind of stuff that we will. Someone named like Pat Smalls. If that is the kind of thing that I would love to earmark

for the follow-up episode, Okay, do we schedule now or do we... Yeah, let's schedule it. Yeah, do you want to get out your calendar? What's good for me? Your iPhone? Okay. What's, uh, how are Tuesdays for you?

It would have to be after 10. 10.m. or p.m.? After 10 p.m. After 10 p.m. Tuesdays, I have 10th from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. Okay. And if we could do it, actually, that's good, though. If we could do it maybe 11.30 p.m.

11.30 p.m. I'm only free 11.30 p.m. on Saturdays. All right, you drive a hard bargain, Scott, but I want to do the follow-up. We mentioned it. I committed to it. Oh, you know what? Now that I think about it, I'm taking over for Lord Michaels when he retires, so I can't do 1130 on Saturday anymore.

Hey, all joking aside, I mean, I think that would be great. I think that would do a really good job, and that's why they gave it to me. I just, I had to go in, and they asked me what my weaknesses were, and I said, well, sometimes I care about comedy too much, and they're like, this guy's really good. Yeah, I mean, if that's your weakness, What about church on Sundays, then the barbecue? Are you in the car on the way from church to barbecue? Because it could be one of those things where we do it from the car.

Where we do it from like two cars that are driving next to each other? These days, you can do it from anywhere. I've seen those Fast and Furious movies. They do a lot of interesting things in cars, so I bet we could do this podcast. I mean, I heard about a guy, a friend of mine, a buddy of mine, a couple of buddies. They had a meeting. There in Los Angeles,

the person they're talking to is in Chicago. No. Do they fly there? No. They didn't fly there? Nope. They didn't get on a plate.

They did the meeting on Zoom. And boom, Zoom, they're done. Is that Jewish Zoom? Yeah. I don't know. It's cheaper. It's wholesale. It's a little laggy.

No, I can't do Mondays because this is a Monday. And also, just don't give me another case of the Mondays, please. Can't do Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursdays? Wait, let me just think Thursdays from my head for a second. Sunday, Monday. Happy days. Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days. Thursday, Friday, happy days.

Saturday. The weekend comes? That's the day. The cycle hums. I think I want to do it with you. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday.

Yeah. In the day. Sure. Okay. Do you want to get a workout in while we do it? Yeah. You know, I've done a lot of podcasts while doing SoulCycle. Really?

Yeah, the problem is the music is loud. Plus it's copyrighted, I bet. Yeah, but they can squelch it out, you know, with AI. Yeah, yeah. What's AI stand for, by the way? Artificial intelligence, like in, like, not television. It sounds like more of an oxymoron to me if you, if you, no, no, I'm sorry, that's Army intelligence I was thinking of.

Military intelligence. Military intelligence, yes. Or like a jumbo shrimp. I mean... I mean, it's like their shrimp, how big could they possibly be? I know. Although some of them, when you get them, I wouldn't mind eating at least one right now.

Do you have a shrimp cocktail? This is going to sound weird, but I brought shrimp cocktails for all of our guests today. Oh, my God. That is such a good idea. Yeah. Especially out in the bright sunlight. It's the comedy bang, bang. They've been sitting out here in the bright sunlight in the backyard for approximately six hours.

It's the COVID treat that never stops. A shrimp cocktail during COVID? I mean, what a combo. You know when the chef comes over and he like gives that kiss about like, oh my gosh, this food is so good. Like, what is that about it? He gives the kiss. Oh, yeah. You know, they call it a chef's kiss.

It's like, hey, dude, like, I don't need you kissing my food or trying to kiss me. I don't understand. Like, why is a kiss have to be part of this transaction where you make me food? Well, now they do it with a mask. Okay. So on the food? Yeah, on the food. You know how they say, you know, they...

Just so he can go, m'la, right over it? You know, if the chef is angry at you, they say he'll spit in the food. Right, yeah. Now they do it with a mask. Oh, okay. So that's better. That's way better. Yeah.

So you can be as rude as you want to, to your waiters and... No, but they take the, they spit into their mask, then they take the mask off and rub it into the food. Oh, okay. I misunderstood. I mean, depending on the kind of food you're ordering, but if it's like a tuna noodle casserole, which is usually what I would order at any restaurant. At any restaurant. Pretty much I do.

And restaurants, they know. Like, for example, I go, people know this. Everyone who knows me knows this. I go to McDonald's a lot. Sure. And so they don't normally have tuna noodle on the menu. But when they see you coming. They know me.

Yeah. And they always have it ready. They keep a random scoop of tuna there at the ready. Yeah. It's there. It's there. It's in the freezer. And they know to, you know, defrost it? Defrost it and throw it down. Do they see you?

you coming and by the time you're there, it's defrosted? Yeah, well, you know I have a GPS, and so they can find my friends. So you've shared them on your find your friends. I want McDonald's to know, and it's every McDonald's in the world. So if you're ever passing one, they think that you're going to be there. Sometimes are you just passing the McDonald's and you don't go inside because you're just on your way somewhere else and they've defrosted this tuna for nothing? Yeah, it does waste a lot of, but somebody always wants it.

Sure. So they then have to advertise it, like we have one scoop of tuna. that we usually save for some guy. Yeah, but they don't have to do, it's because it's just the one, they don't have to do a big broad advertisement. They could do a banner ad. You know, on like earwulf.

Yeah, clickable banner ad, yeah, definitely. So that's how they do that. But it's nice. It's fun like when I was in, for example, Morocco. Sure. I went, walked by the McDonald's there, and sure enough, I had very nice, warm scoop of tuna noodle casserole.

Now, where do they? The other thing they don't, usually happens to the noodle part. Yeah, well. So they, how do, how do, how do they put that together? It's a layer of noodles and a layer of tuna. Okay. And then it's just sort of lightly baked and salted.

With breadcrumbs or, what? Yeah, a lot of people you would use breadcrumbs. I wouldn't. Like Panko or what is? No, it's just a layer of tuna and noodle. Just tuna and noodles. A little bit of cheese. And then, uh, you just give a little, you know, take that thing with a, it's like a, what do you

call the torch, you know, with, oh, like the creme bruley, the, exactly. A bruley torch and you get a little brulee. On the cheese? What is that melting? The cheese or the tuna? It melts the cheese into the tuna so they become kind of the same thing. Why don't they sell that in stores? Cheese and tuna combined?

That's a winning idea. Well, I, okay, I wasn't going to announce this today, but hell, what the hell? Let's do it. Is this exclusive? I have a thing I've been working on for quite a while. It's called Wayne Packaged Foods. Wayne Packaged Foods. What a name.

And this is the tuna cheese reduction. A tuna cheese reduction. And you can buy this in packs of 16 minimum. 16 minimum, what's the maximum? Maximum is 32. Oh, okay. So two sizes. Yeah.

Or does it go 16 and then packages of 17? They come in packages of 16 and you can buy one or two of them. Oh, I see. But you squelch it at two. And yeah, that's enough. That's too much too. Oh, God, I just said. I believe I just said someone else.

sketchphrase. I hope they don't sue me. You know what? This happens in comedy sometimes. Sometimes it's parallel thinking. I think I thought of that at the same time as them. Yeah, I thought of Jaws.

You did? Yeah, when I was six, it was really weird. You're kidding. What was your version of the idea? I was walking around my house and I was like, you know, I really think there should be a feature film based on the novel Jaws.

By Robert Benchley? By Robert Benchley. And lo and behold, It looks like universal pictures had a similar idea. Universal again. And I can't blame them because they went and did it. I didn't. Yeah, that's true.

I mean, you could have. It's like when you go to the modern art museum and someone's just a painting that's just a big, you know, pile of painted blue square or something. Right. And you'd say, I could do that. Then I'm like, then do it. Then do it. Well, here's the issue most of the time, like 90% of it is the supplies. I don't want to buy a big thing and then just so I can paint it.

And that's what made, like, you know, those great modern artists so great is they had the patience to go buy the supplies. Right. I mean, now, you were telling me before the show, you had built the mechanical shark part of it. I had, we had a lot, we had basically gone into soft prep. And it was storyboarding? I was storyboarding. I had a crew. We were, people were staying in hotels and food was being cooked for the crew.

Sure. And it was wrong. So you got that far. Yeah. And also me being. like six years old. It was, you know, obviously people were, they ended up, you know, Spielberg,

when he ended up doing the other Jaws was young for the time. Sure, he was in his 20s, I believe. But they, honestly, there just wasn't the, I didn't build enough trust among the whole group because, in part, because I was six. It can be difficult to trust someone.

I mean, when you're making a film, the one film I've directed, I went around to every crew member. I held their hands. Terrific. And I said, do you trust me? Yeah. Every single morning to every single crew member.

No, I'm sure that would have been very not annoying. It added four hours to every day. They all had to get in a line. I'll give you a tip. Yeah. What I do is after every shot that you do, and you know, you might do anywhere from 20 to 50 setups in a day, whatever. I would do one usually. One shot.

One and done. No, no, that's not the way you do it. What? That's not the way you do. But after each. shot. What I do is the director is I say, cut, and then I go around to each actor and I shake their hands. Thank you, thank you so much for that. Right. Even if it wasn't a wrap on them. No, no, no, no, just for doing the one. Just for doing the one shot. Yeah. Take, you know.

And then I go to each member of the crew and I think shake their hand. I look them in the eye and I say their name. Thank you, John, for operating the camera on that shot. Down the line. And then I'm like, all right, take two, you know. Yeah, that's perfect. I mean, that makes everyone feel appreciated. And I mean... You know what it is? More than being appreciated, they feel,

and I'm going to take a pause just because it's so important. They feel... Seen. Bravo. Thank you. My God. Thank you.

Now, they wouldn't be able to spend any time with their families, usually, by the end of the day, no, no, no. No, no, no. We usually did like 19, 20-hour days. Sure. And weirdly, we got the amount of material

that you would normally get done in about two hours. Really? Interesting. Yeah. But they felt very seen. Yeah. Amazing. Well, do you have anything out there in the pipeline? I know you were talking to me before the show. You were like, oh, my God, mention the pipeline because I want to squeeze some stuff through it and I want to make sure that that pipeline is nice and big and juicy and wide just so I can squeeze everything through it.

I do have some fun things that I'm working out. Yeah, really? Like we're doing the – this is real. I'm making a musical movie with the off-book podcast people. I think I read that, my dear boy. Yeah. What exactly is that? Tell me about it. It's a musical, original feature film.

Don't you mean a feature film? No. No? No. You don't mean that? No, I haven't heard that, actually. Okay. And, no, but it's Jessica McKenna and Zach Reno. Okay.

With Elizabeth Banks is producing it. And they wrote it, are starring it? What exactly is it? We came up with it together, and they're doing the music and the lyrics, and we're writing it together. One of those, like, they said it in the same room that you were in, and then suddenly you came up with it. Right, exactly. They wrote a whole screenplay, and I looked at it, and I'm like, I'm so glad we wrote this together. We're joking that I've heard about people doing that exactly.

I would not do that. So you guys came up with this idea, and what's going on with it? Can I see it tomorrow? I wish. And people don't know who, you know, out there, but it takes a few steps before, could be about 10, 15 years, who knows. Sure. That would be great, though.

Do you want to schedule that? Yeah. In 10 or 15 years? Yeah, I would say, let's go with 13. Let's go with February 9th. Split the diff. February 9. Let's go with at my house.

And I'm actually going to be in a new house then. Okay. Which is, if you can write this down, 3-842. Ginsburg Avenue. Ginsburg. Oh, named after. Allensburg, Shreveport, Louisiana, 3-8-24-10. Times 10?

Yeah. 3-8, 24 times 10. Okay. Got it. Okay, I'll be there. This is exciting. A big premiere. Oh, yeah.

At your house, even. Thank you. Do you have the setup for that? Or will you have the setup for that? Oh, yeah. I've color TV, the whole thing. Color TV? Yeah.

5.1? 7.1? My buddy's going to set me up with color TV. Really? Yeah. Who's your connect on this? He's this guy. His name is Ben.

Ben, what's his last, is it, is it? Rogers, Ben Rogers. Ben Rogers, I know. I don't know. And he comes in and he does like all things tech. He got me set up on TiVo now and we're good. Really? Do you call him Mr. Rogers ever?

Like, and does he take off his sweater when he comes in? I mean, sometimes if I'm really like, maybe we'll have had a couple of drinks and I just really. You give the guy setting up your TV a couple of drinks when he comes in. Yeah, sometimes, you know, like one, not all the time, but like if it's maybe on a Thursday and Friday. Try to get up nice and loose, sure.

I'll give him three, four drinks and then, you know, we're screwing around and I'm like throwing shade his way. And then at those moments, yeah,

I'm not going to lie. I've said, hey, Ben Rogers, or is it Mr. Rogers? And he takes it in the right spirit, you know. That's pretty standard, I think,

for people coming over to your house to do handyman work for you. I mean, I know, like, it sounds like I'm ragging on the dude, but it's all in fun. You know,

we have a good time. Well, David Wayne is here. He's here for some patented Wayne scotting. I'm excited once we get started on the Wayne scotting. Oh, yeah. I know this has been preamble at this point, but once we get to it, man, this is going to be incredible. If you haven't heard any of our previous episodes where we've wainscotted, go back and immediately stop this one, go back and listen to those in the archives, because it's a really special thing we're going to be doing on the show. Yeah.

What do you do? You're drawing something? No, I just, I also... Or are you making notes of what to talk about later? I just went and had a couple of drinks while you were saying that stuff about, I don't know, he's on the show, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I noticed you disappeared for a second. Yeah, so...

God, are you wasted right now? No, my friend Ben was listening and he was all excited, and so he came by, and he's like, hey, you know, how about now? I'm like, dude, it's Monday. How about now what? For him? Throughout the drinks, you know. So he's just following you around for drinks? for drinks?

He wasn't following me, but when he heard... Has he gotten him hooked? Is he an alcoholic now? He heard me on the air and he was like, hey, thanks for the shout-out and you reminded me about the drinks and can I have some. Interesting guy, Ben Rogers. I hope it's not the one I know. I hope so too. Yeah.

Well, first of all, mainly because I would hate for anyone to call him Mr. Rogers. That would make him furious. It's super. It's harsh, but it's worth it. It's worth it. It's also funny. It's so funny. It's so funny. It's so funny.

It's harsh, fair, worth it funny. It's a legit jab, and it's worth doing... Sometimes you've got to poke the bear. If it's the right recipient who knows how to take it, you know? Sure, a lot of people can dish it out, but can they take it? And you tested the waters with this guy. He could take it. It was good.

And I think he's heard it before, you know, Ben Rogers, I'm sure, like, in the childhood playground jabs, you know, hey, Mr. Rogers or, you know, he also probably heard, like, hey, Ben, you're never going to win, you know, you're a loser. Interesting. What about Ben Rothlessburg? Anyone ever call him that or is that too much? I don't know. I could find that out.

Could you find that out? Give me 20 minutes. No, give me two seconds. I could, let me text. Anywhere between two seconds and 20 minutes. Let me text. His mom always will text me back so fast. Okay.

Yep. Okay, yep. No, she said no. She said no. Okay. Interesting. Okay, well, that might be one you might want to try out, especially on a Sunday if you ever see him on a Sunday.

Or like the football game, maybe he's there to fix your TV because you're antenna's not picking up the local Fox network or something like that. That's the worst right before the kickoff. Right. The kickoff's the best part. And I got the guys are over. We got the dip and the chips. And I'm like, you're watching the TV and that guy's like swinging his leg back and

forth practicing. And there's the snow on the screen. I'm like, eh. Wait, is it snowing in Green Bay today? No, this is the television reception. And of course, I try to cover. I'm like, hey, let me turn off the TV for a minute because, you know, oh, and I try to make up some stupid story.

Oh, Biden's coming over, and they never buy it. You know, they know Biden's not coming over. How often does he come over? That's the thing, like generally, virtually never. And so they know that. They know that from you. And so they always see through my thing. Yeah, but that's, I mean, Super Bowl is coming up in approximately, I don't know,

three weeks, four weeks, something like that. Don't get me started on the Super Bowl. Boy, this is got to be like the 50 second time they've done it or something. It might be. Maybe somewhere around there? It honestly might. It's like they have won every year almost. This is the Super Bowl for me is the time when, for the NFL, the time when the two teams that have done the best all year meet up head to head and duke it out for one last, you know, main championship game.

In my opinion, it's for all the marbles. It is. I mean, I mean, it's the turn. If all the marbles means winning the whole season. The champion, the big trophy, yeah, I mean,

yeah, obviously. You know, the name of the game for me this year, especially is you gotta get got to get those points up on the board and whoever does.

Well, the most points. Yeah. The most, I mean, you, you, every once in a while,

you'll see one team will put up like 10, 20, 30 points. Sure. And it's like, you'll just be looking at that part of the scoreboard and you'll be like, wow,

all right, great game. Right. And then you'll slightly move your head to the right. And that other team is like, 20 to their 10, 30 to their 20, 40 to their 20. You're joking, but I've seen this.

I've actually seen this happen. And you're like, I guess I didn't know as much about this game as I thought I did. Yeah. Put everything in perspective. I'm a football fiend. Fanatic, yeah. And so I like just, I sleep, drink this stuff 24-7. All the stats.

What's your favorite score that you've ever seen? Oh, my God. Well, okay. Oakland Raiders versus the San Diego Jets. Good matchup. They were... That's what I like to call an offensive matchup. They hit each other so hard that day.

I mean, I don't even know where to start the list. There were tackles. There were touchdowns. There were running backs. I mean, everything happened that day. Everything, yeah. But at the end of the day, it all comes down to the score. So tell me what that...

What was that score at the end of the... Try this on for side. Okay. 36 to 30. Wow. I mean, that's just. That is.

Let it sink in. I mean, I can't even fathom. First of all, both of those team scores are divisible by three. This is an example of mind meet blown. That's crazy. And you got to think at the end of the day that you, you, you, look at a score like that and you're like, huh, 36, 30. If only this was that and that was that, things would be different, but it wasn't.

That's exactly what it was. You should talk like Jimmy Stewart? Yeah. If only, Mary. 36. 36. What's your best impression? Well, people know that I'm famous for doing George Burns.

Yeah. Let's hear it. Let's hear a little bit of it. I worry people are forgetting about George Burns, and let's make sure his memory remains alive by your impression of him. Here is David Wayne's famous George Burns' oppression. Go. Oh, George, are you going to come in here?

Yes, I'm George Burns. My late wife was Gracie. Oh, Gracie. What's going on with you, Gracie? Wow. Thank you. So this is after her untimely passing. Yes, I'm placing this in time.

Or is this in heaven? In between her passing and his passing. Okay, yeah. So we can really pinpoint almost to the decade of what that would be. Well, it would be somewhere between the 70s and the 90s. 1970s, for those of you who are in the Gen Z. Sure, I mean, can you imagine that people lived in the previous century? True story.

Last night, my son was doing homework, and he was talking to his friend on the phone at the same time. And I said, how can you have a conversation and do homework at the same time? And I said, you have to get off the phone. And he goes, ignore my dad. He doesn't understand he's from the 70s. Meanwhile, you've been sitting here drawing something the entire time that you've been on the air here. I know, but I'm going to present it to you. Oh, this is the David Wayne original.

All right. Well, we need to take a break, David. We're going to get to the Wayne Scotting down in another segment, if that's okay. But that is coming. That's very important. important. We have a great show coming up a little later. We have a ball player and we have a concerned mother, hopefully not a former mother, a current mother. This is a great, great show. You are not going to want to miss it. We are on fire this January. David Wayne is here. We'll be right

back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang, bang, bang. We're here. David Wayne is here and he's sitting in a chair. For those of you who want to picture exactly what he's doing at this point, he's wearing some sort of shirts. Oh, boy, someone's, that's a loud bird. Hey, that's like real life, guys. You know, you're seeing it raw. This is raw and uncut here.

This is Comedy Bang Bang After Dark. Something happens. It's there. There's no change in it. We don't cut it out. Look, I made a little sketch of you on the microphone. Oh, wow. Is that my hand or is that the mic?

I'm not exactly sure. Can I ask for it to be the mic? Maybe you have a rubber washing dish glove on your hand. Yeah, I'm not quite sure. But thank you so much. We'll post this on the Comedy Bang Bang website. Definitely, definitely. We should make a banner ad with this.

Yeah. Yeah. In fact, I'm thinking about putting up a – I've been talking to a bunch of buds. We're going to be doing a banner ad sometime in the next year, probably in about a year. It's going to be advertising. some kind of web website login deal or something like that. Great. That sounds exciting. Yeah, we're excited about it.

So before the end to 2022, or do you mean fiscal year? Our fiscal year, which starts in April. So probably will be, you know, knowing us last minute. So next April, you know. So, yeah, maybe March 30th we should be on the lookout. So where, and that'll be on our favorite websites or? Yeah, if you can check it out. You know, it's probably on Yahoo and so on.

But I'll tell you this. when I need to do something, you know when I do it, the last possible minute. It's almost like give yourself a deadline a little bit earlier and it'll get done earlier. No offense to people who do things right on time, please. No, if it, please, we don't mean to offend you out there. I don't want to be problematic. You can't be canceled, you know. Cut it out.

We have to get to our next guest, David, if that's okay. I'm excited. I'm excited about all the guests. Are you a fan of that big orange ball? You know which one I'm talking about? The most orange ball in sports. I'm going to throw down a little guess, and I'm going to say basketball. Yes, sir.

Basketball, he is a former player, now announcer of that little game that we call basketball that bounces that orange ball around and even goes up into a big circle with a net in it. He's been on the show many times. Please welcome back to the show Bill Walton. Wow, an honor to be here, Scott Ackerman. the presence of David Wayne, one of the fantastic creative Davids of our generation. Really? From Simon to Chase the Davids own the media.

And David Wayne is not to be forgotten amongst the towering Davids. So I'll talk about who owns the media, I think. Right off the bat bill. Look, if you want to know what I think about who owns the media, just look at the great Playboy interview of the wonderful actor. What did I never remember this guy's name? What was he been? Commissioner Gordon, a serious black.

Gary Oldman. Oh, okay. That's right. Yes. I thought you meant Billy D. Williams. Oh, no. No, he played Harvey Dent. We want to know who owns the media.

Check out the Playboy interview of Gary Oldman. Yes, he lets you know the real truth. The real dead. Defends some of the most serious players' opinions, the Mel Gibson's of the world. Wonderful. I'll have to check that out. Oh, Gary Oldman interviews. That's a great place to feel uncomfortable about somebody who you want

to admire. And Playboy. Yes, one of the great interview magazines. It also features of scantily clad women from

Maxim. I can't think of another one. Maxim. Oh, I guess Maxim. Maxxham. Scott Ockman, do you not read Maxim?

I believe is it not defunct at this point? And my heart has sunk. It's defunct. Your heart has sunk. I know.

I think I got this month's issue in the mail today. Oh, he did. Who's on the cover this time? Samantha Fox Samantha Fox From we don't have to take our clothes off To have a good time

I guess so She's a he's a fox Oh boy What of the I can tell you this right now What of the people Who I've never heard of On this earth

Samantha Fox Oh we go back and check her out Oh god 80s 80s singer I believe Any relation to Megan Fox Oh I only wish Oh my God

If the two of them were twins Having a fox off Boy You're much older. Wow. One of the great old foxes from Fox Molder to Red Foxx. Red Fox. Yes.

Thank you, Scott. I'm going to be assist. Yes. Throw assist it down, big man. Welcome back to the show. So good to see you. A pleasure to be here. I'm a big fan, too.

You're a big fan. Oh, wow. And as Scott knows, I love ball sports and basketball's right up there as part of one of those. The most orange ball, not the biggest ball in sports, right? No, you'd have to consider, let's see, do you consider a medicine ball, a sports ball, or is that more of an exercise ball? That's an exercise ball, as far as I'm concerned. That's the one, the big rubber one that you like do sit-ups on? No, no, no, that's the one that you throw back and forth.

Yeah, it's heavy. It's a weighted ball. Right, yeah. Oh, what's the one called that you do sit-ups on? That's the, that's a big bouncy ball. It's an inflatable ball. An inflatable ball. They don't have a good name for, like, a medicine ball.

Man, that branding is incredible. You think that you are being healthy just by using the ball. Just by picking it up, you've taken your own medicine for the day, Scott Ackerman. What a wonderful observation. Wow, I'm impressed. I can't think of a bigger ball now that we're talking about it. Because the smallest ball in sports has to be either ping pong or golf, right? Now are we considering the shuttlecock?

Or is that not a ball, but more of a birdie as it's right? I believe it's a birdie, yeah. Well, I mean, you wouldn't count marbles. Is it a sport, though? Yeah, that's a good. It has to be in the Olympics to be a sport. Yeah, it's a head scratch. It really is.

So once basketball was in the Olympics, it finally was a sport. Yes, and Marbles. I am a great stumper to me. Is that a sport? Because it does take a little bit of intellectual prowess, but athletic prowess, I don't know. What's the largest ball in sports? That's one of where I think it might be basketball. I don't know.

I mean, volleyball is smaller. Beach ball. Yes, beach ball. Yes, beach ball, one of the great beach sports. Of course. kicking that back and forth. Kick the beach ball around with my friends. This beach ball in the Olympics, I'd have to Google it.

To be a sport, you have to have points. Is that right? Points? To that comment is what I'm giving you. At midnight. But you know what I mean? Like, there has to be some sort of competitive, like, we're keeping track of a score. Does they not?

Is that so? Well, like, you know, in bobsledding, it's like who can do it the fastest. Right. Right. If points were not a part of sports, would they be more interesting or less interesting? But isn't hunting a sport? Well, but it's like how many things you can kill, right? Oh, is that what it is?

Like one elephant equals like 44 birds? And do they have a scoreboard out in the woods? Yep. That would be a wonderful title to like a book of musings by David Wayne. Oh, do they have a scoreboard out in the woods? When the bear's shitting out there? Yeah, that's my Wayne Scotting Thought Today calendar. Oh, are we in Wayne Scotting already?

No, I'm just saying if you want to buy that. Oh, to be in the presence of an official. Wayne Scott. I would, oh, crap my little pants, Scott Arkerman and David Wayne. Your pants are incredibly little today. Yes, I bought these pants as kind of a hopeful future pants. You know what I mean? I was helping to meet a body weight that these pants would fit, and I was way off, Scott. They're not little in the waist, though. They're just short. I mean, they're like up to the upper thigh. I was hoping to shrink my legs and my waistline, and I've done neither. Okay.

Which is what brings me on the show today. Oh, wait. Tell us why you're on the show, because it's always a pleasure to have you. but I do enjoy the forward momentum when a guest has something to say. Nothing like that. You'd like a reason for me to be here rather than just... Sure, I mean, I did have a half-hour conversation with my friend David here.

He gave me a sclusee at one point. Is that like a wedgie? It was a lot of... I mean, the way he does it, yeah. We were talking about Duky Streaks. Oh, Duky Streaks! As a reference to 1994, the amount of weeks that the Green Day album spent

On the billboard charts. Yes, of course. How many weeks was that? Was that Duky Street? No, I was talking about that team comedy from the 80s, Duky Streaks. Oh, yes. Oh. See, David's an 80s guy.

You're a 90s guy, you know, even though you're considerably older than David. Yes, but the 90s was a generation for all of my references. That's what I really locked into Bob Coltrane. Even though you're a grateful dead guy. Yes, I love to that. Oh, Jerry. Jerry and the boys. Is this your Seinfeld?

Yeah, more 90s references. Yes. the man with the most observations. Wouldn't you say, Jerry? That's the thing. If it were a sport, you'd tally up his observations to be like he has more than any other comedian.

Jerry Garcia? Yeah. Well, Jerry Garcia and Jerry Seinfeld, who's observed more things is a wonderful question. Let me ask you. What's a better television show? Who would you rather watch? Jerry Seinfeld,

Jerry Garcia, Cherry Garcia. Okay. Is this Jerry Seinfeld partnered with Larry David or on his own in more of a marriage refs situation. Yeah, more of the marriage refs situation. So we'll cross that one off right away.

So that leaves us with Jerry Garcia and Jerry Garcia. I would love to see a show about a pint of ice cream and his roommates. Yeah, so would I. That's, I think I'm giving the edge to Cherry Garcia. And what if one of the roommates is starving and that's a little bit of drama? Would that work, David Wayne creatively? I am not a creative guy. I can't answer that objectively because I am very hungry.

Ah, yes. Well, that's the thing. A lot of people don't make television shows for people who are hungry. That's got to be a huge untapped market. Yeah, it is. You know? We've been doing a lot of studies in my office about that. Because shows like the remake of Wet Hot American Summer,

I'd say you have to watch that show stuffed. Wouldn't you, David Wayne? Oh, yeah, that's going to make you so hungry if you watch that. Well, they had a rule, I know with that one when they released it, that you had to be medium full. Right, yeah. Yes. They would do a survey when you pressed start on Netflix.

and say like, hey, when was the last time you ate? And of course, how much water have you drank today? It's on our system. You could always like say, oh, they have ways of checking as well. But, you know, it's the algorithm. There's some trust involved. It was rated H for having had, correct? Wait a minute.

You were going to, you had a thing you wanted to talk about. Oh, well, you know, Scott Harkerman, it's a new year. A lot of people bring in the new you. And it's a time to consider health. Emotional health, mental health. Yes. Yes. I'm glad that you're thinking about these things and bringing them

to our listeners' attention. That's great. It's such a crazy time, wouldn't you say, Scott? Oh, boy. I mean, I don't know why I would go that far, but, I mean, you're going to go there? Okay. There are moments when I would go that far. Wow.

I mean, sure, like snatches of the day here and there, but like. Yeah, but I mean, obviously not overall. In general. But I have, there was a time several months ago when I'm like, this is a crazy time. Kind of a crazy time. I didn't get quite there, but you're there already. Well, I don't want to push you past your comfort zone of whether or not it's a crazy time. For me, it's a crazy mixed-up wild time. And so I've created a little book

that I'd like everybody to read again. What does that mean? You've written a book? You've created a book. What exactly is the difference? I create the book and then my team and I write it together. Oh, okay. Believe me. I get it. Yeah. A lot like him and the off book people making a movie. Uh, yes. The Zach and the Jess. Oh, you know them. Two of the great podcast singers of our generation, wouldn't you say Scott? Who else do we have? Singers, let's see. Rita Moreno? Yep.

She's good. Rina Rano. Does Pete Davidson sing on that new scripted podcast that shows up in my ad feed every once in well? I hope he does. Well, then Pete Davidson's right up there with his actual guest. What about who is the serial guy, Adnan or something? Adnan, one of the great singers that was taken away before his time. He probably sang, right?

Yes, Adnan does the blues, I'm sure. I'll tell you who's a great singer, Frank Sinatra. Oh, the old blue eyes. People talk about his eyes all the time, but it's like, hey, my mouth is down here. And people don't know this. He did. He had a podcast. He did. Yeah, he was the original podcaster.

But it was all like news and talk kind of stuff. Yeah. It's all current events stuff, which doesn't really, it doesn't have relistenability. Right. Was he doing kind of this Sinatra persona or was he pretty straightforward? He mostly just was like reading his stuff from Substack. I didn't even. I know he had substack.

Oh, yeah. No, he started substack. He was super quiet about it. Yeah. He always was pushing his, like, vocal stuff and his movies. Yeah, his, like, acting in movies and his albums and stuff like that. But he had a modest but very profitable substack. Yeah, and it had a follow, a small but very devoted following.

Yeah. My note to Frank would be start spreading the news about your podcast. Too late now, he is no longer with us. Untimely, wasn't it? It truly was, yeah, before the podcast boom. Yes, one of the great early days. deaths of our generation, Frank Sinatra. He really gone too soon. Yes, gone too soon.

I visit his grave. Really? Oh, yes. Where's it located? Out there, Joisey? Yes, it's right on the edge of Joisey. Hoboken, where he was born. What'd you call me? I'm sorry, no. Hoboken is a city where Frank Sinatra was born. I would just be careful. Sorry, I beg your pardon. No, I apologize. That's on me.

I believe it's houseless, Ken. is what you're Un housed Ken, yes, thank you. On house Ken, by the way. Did you see him on your way in? She's always hanging around. Yes, he was with

renting an apartment Barbie. I'm sure there's a way to punch that up. It's the quickest thing that came to me. I got to give it up. Thank you, Scott Okra. Let me talk to my guys. Throwing it down. Let me talk to my guys.

We're going to come up with something. Yeah, get the typist on this. Wow. But what are you here for? I'm here to promote my book. What is this book? Bill Walton's Eight Simple Rules for a Clean Bill of Health and Happiness. So now you decided to create a book with Bill in the title twice.

Yes, yes. So everybody knows, because you ever read a book and you say, who's this by, who's the author? I have to wait till the very end where I see their photo and they're about me. I got to say that's also great for search engine optimization. Yeah. SEO. One of the great EOs of our generation

From EIE to Captain Wouldn't you say Scott Ackerman? God, I wish they still showed Captain EO at Disneyland. That was such a good time. Wow, the performances in Captain EO. Incredible. Doug Benson dancing in the back. I forgot about that, Scott Ackerman in his tight little suit. Doug Benson, one of the great podcast owners of our time.

One of the great background artists of our time who segued into podcasting. Yes, he did quite well. quite efficiently. And he may love movies, but America loves him, don't we Scott Okerman? That's true.

That's a good point. I think I've been watching too much Jiminy click the way I... Your syntax of all your sentences now? All right. Let's shake it out and tell me about your book. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. One, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight. And I am off the shakeout. And into the description of my book, it is just to teach people some healthy habits that I have learned from some of my unhealthy times. And there are eight of them? Eight, Simple rules for

Bill Walton's eight simple rules for a clean bill underlined of health and happiness. Now does that get confusing for anyone or do they,

when they say it they go, oh, because his name is Bill? Yes, I'm hoping that they will draw their own conclusions.

If I were to read that, I would be like, wait, are they sending me a bill for reading this book? I thought when I paid for the book, that was the end of our transaction. I could just read it freely.

That's never how I do it. Really? When I go to a bookstore, I'll take them a whole cartload of books every time. and then I get home and then they send me the bill. They just send you the bill. So you're on your way out, you're like, hey, send me the bill for these.

Put it on my tab. Exactly. I think you may be going to a library and not returning the books and then they're charging you for them, David Way. I can check. Text your friend's mom about that. Text Ben Rogers' mother, for us, David Wayne. But are each of the rules in the book then elaborated on? Yeah, or is it a short book?

And you're out. No, no, we go beyond the title to the simple rule. rules of, for example, what's the first thing we do in this crazy technological generation when we wake up, Scott when you wake up? When you wake up? I usually work out for about three hours. Oh, and it shows, Scott Okerman. This man's pecs are through the roof over here. I only do the pectorals.

Yes, we can tell that Monday through Friday is peck day. And that's what I do with my food, too, in order to stay in shape. I know when I wake up, but the first thing I do is reach for my meditation pillow and do an hour and a half of meditation. Okay. You too do not need my book. You're doing very, very well. Why, what do you do, Bill? Well, I grab the old cell phone.

Oh, okay, yeah. Start making calls. They're rolling calls. You make calls on the phone first thing in the morning when you grab it. Just like, before I'm even awake, just... Who's up? Who do I know is up right now? Hey, is this Ben's mother?

Well, you gentlemen are living at a time different from my own, because I'm checking the news. I'm checking the news. Frankie baby. Oh, too soon, too soon. I'm still stung. I want to apologize to the whole Sinatra family. Not to mention Gracie Allen.

And George Burns. I will on their behalf accept the apology on the behalf of the estate of George. I understand what you're saying, though. A lot of us like to pick up our devices as soon as we wake up, and it's not a good habit. Yes. You go to bed wondering, oh, gosh, is that person

going to swipe right on me while I'm asleep and then you wake up and go, did they swipe right? Did they swipe right? Is that what happens in the modern age? I have no idea. Scott, you sound like you are dating freshly and on technology. You are looking for the swipe rights first thing in the morning and saying, did they throw it down one time on the big man or did they swipe left? Did they respond? That should be your app. Your dating app. The Bill Walton throw it down on the big man app. Scott, I've changed the reason I'm here. It's to promote my new dating app. Throw it down one time. basically like if you throw your phone down on the floor, you like the person.

So you buy a brand new phone, but you show your like for the person by destroying the thing to your thing that you should come, you should invent is bounceable phones. What? Scott Ackerman, usually I scream when I hear a good idea, but I have been so bold over by the genius of this idea.

I mean, how many times, how many times does this happen to you, David? You're, uh, you're walking along. I'm listening. you're out in and you're walking on the hardest surface known to man.

Concrete, right? And you're checking your phone and suddenly it, you spray a little spritz into your hand because you want to stay moisturized. Who doesn't? And that makes your phone slippery and it falls down on the ground and it cracks in two. Yeah. In twain. Not to mention your name. No offense.

Taking a T. Yeah. But I'll say, and yeah, a lot of the streets, especially in the towns that I visit, are made of that hard as ass concrete. Exactly. So it's like, let's either make phones bounceable or streets softer. Wow. I feel like I'm in the presence of a politician here. It sounds like you have a... I'm a whole platform. Yeah, it's an amazing platform. Softer streets are bouncier phones. What are the other... What's going to be cheaper? Whatever

gets me there, I don't care. Well, I would say let's start with the bouncy phones. Because then you get to do all sorts of funny things with the bouncy phone, don't you, Scott? Although the softer streets, like maybe if the streets were bouncy, you could, like, get to work faster by, like, going boing, boing, boing. I think you with the idea, an engineer to come up with the design, and then an entrepreneur to put it out there. And maybe your typist puts out the press release. Meow.

Wait, when did you say meow? Are you, you're the cat this? Oh, no, the cat is the typist. I forgot the cat is the dictator. Just throwing it out there. Every new product needs a great slogan, and I'm just going to give it a shot, the phone that bounces around. I mean, as first shots go?

Throw it down one time, David Wade. And that's just out my ass. Wow. I wasn't... Not bad. No, I did not plan that out. One of the great catchphrases of all time. From it's fun to a girl and a boy to pop it.

Yeah, I've been throwing, yes, a phone that bounces around. I love this because it creates, it combines my two favorite things. Being on technology and the great sport of... basketball. Oh, I forgot. Basketballs also bounce around. Why don't they make the phones out of the basketballs? And why don't they make the plane out of the black box? I don't know. These are the questions and the and the and the coffee table out of the coaster, etc. The basket phone. The basket phone, the phone that bounces around. Now my worry about this is people get the phone and they think they're going to be watching a kind of absurd comedy on FX starring Zach Gelfinacus.

Oh, that is. That's true. He owns baskets now. Yes. Yeah, I'm worried about that with basketball. Absolutely. It's one of the huge issues facing the NBA in college basketball as people tune in and they say, Where's Zach? Where's Zach?

Where's Louie as a mother that is somehow so relatable to my own mother? I read that the NBA is probably going to shut down over this. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, we're breaking it here first. It's some sad news. The NBA is kaput. Yeah, it's a hard thing.

Right before the finals, too. Man, that would have been an exciting finals. Unless they can figure out a way for people to think of basketball without thinking of Zach Calvinacus, Louis Anderson, and an FX's comedy baskets. And a very not much seen basic cable show. Well, let's not forget Martha Kelly. Oh, Martha Kelly. We'll throw in one of the great Kellys.

One of the great, Martha's. From Superman's mom to Batman's mom. Oh, my gosh. Our friends at DC Comics having a creative brain fart when making their character's mothers. Or perhaps Martha was the mother of, um, Jeff, was Jeff one of the creators of the characters? Of who? Of Superman or Batman?

No. Was it a Jeff? You have, I believe, Bill Finger with Batman, and then you have a Simon and Schuster? No. Simon and Schuster were the creators of Superman. Siegel and Schuster. Oh, no, no, no. It was J.K. Rowling.

Oh, not too soon. Too soon. She, of course, her career is passed on. And rest in pieces, J.K.'s career. All you had to do was shut your mouth and you would have been fine. But, no, she's a black. I would say she's fine. But yes.

Do you have a JK project in development? I don't want to talk about it, but AJK. David Wade threw it down one side with the JK. Yeah, no, me and Justin Kirk are doing something. Justin Kirk, wow. Former guest on this show, maybe 10 years ago.

Bring him back, Scott Ackman. I should, I love him. Was this post-weeds pre-animal practice? This was mid-animal practice. We talked about the monkey a lot, as I recall. Gone before our time. One of the great... Speaking of Zach.

From The Hangover, two. Same monkey. Oh, my gosh. One of the great monkeys, wouldn't you say? Oh, from Davy Jones to Michael Nesmith, rest in peace. Rest in peace. All of them. All of them.

And of course, Amy from... Amy Dolans, from... She's out of control. You knew you read my mind. I don't know who that is. And I know what you're talking about. So... Yes.

All kidding aside. Okay. Let's put the kidding aside. Amy Carter was the name of the daughter of the president, Jimmy Carter. Now, this is fascinating because you think of some president's daughters and you wonder what were their names. We know Sasha and Malia, don't we? Sure. We know Chelsea, of course.

We know Chelsea, who, of course, I've heard there's some stories coming out about Chelsea's dad that I'm very curious to get to the honor. I'll put you in the loop on that. Wow. Don't get me started. on this one. Yeah. Hoof. Oh, wait.

Who let the dog out? Well, I worry we're getting too far away from your book. Oh, yes. I scrapped the book out of excitement for your idea of a dating app. You reach for your phone. Yes, you reach for your phone. So what my first simple rule for a clean bill of health? Oh, yeah, we still haven't heard the first rule.

Don't check the phone for me. 8 p.m. I get every. thing. All my things done. Why do you need it before 8 p.m.? That's the thing. Why do you need a phone before 8 p.m.?

Nothing happens before 8 p.m. That's absolutely right. You can't just, it can keep till tomorrow. Except for Jeopardy. Okay, we'll make a Jeopardy exception. So get on that phone. Watch Jeopardy. Someone has read my book.

There's the Great Jeopardy exception that is made for almost all of my rules. There is a Jeopardy related exception, including do not check the phone, which you have to do at 6 p.m. Or maybe it's what is, do not check the phone. Wonderful. Thank you. Throw it down. Yes, sir.

Speaking of getting confused, I went to see that Ashley Judd movie Double Jeopardy, expecting to watch two episodes of Jeopardy. Oh, instead you got four episodes of Ashley Judd killing somebody. Spoilers! I'm sorry. I thought it was the whole premise of the movie. I apologize, Scott Arkman. How could I ever make up to you that I spoiled Double Jeopardy?

Tell me about your second. Rule. Ah, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Sleep, sleep. Watch Dr. Sleep once a day, every day, and it gets you to your... The sequel to The Shining. You can watch any doctor sleep, is that the idea? Oh, no, there's a miscommunication out in between you and I, David Wayne.

Dr. Sleep, the sequel to the Shining, directed by Mike Flanagan, featuring Ewan McGregor, as the future version of the Little Boy from The Shining. The Best Part of the Shining. Yes. That little boy? That's the part we all love. Well, you know, the first shining... What would he be like when he grew up?

I loved him so much in this one. I'll tell you what. A wee bit tortured, Scott Hockerman. No. Yeah, that's right. Much like his papa? Yes, a little bit like his papa. The trauma of his father's alcoholism

affected him a great deal and the metaphor of that trauma has explored so beautifully in Dr. Dr. Sleep. Once a day. Once a day. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Why do you say sleep, sleep, sleep,

if you're watching it once a day? Well, it's more like... I'm trying to get in your head that this one's important. You've got to sleep. That's number two or did you skip ahead to two eight? No. That's number two. That's number two.

The second most important thing. Number three, science says that lovemaking can be quite good for your health and happiness. Oh, ha, ha, la, sex. Well, I'll take that rule and that's not a hard one to follow. I mean, it is, you know, if you don't have anyone to do it with. Well, there are ways. There are plenty of ways. I mean, you know, you can make up a mate.

Like, have you ever seen the film Castaway? Oh, let's see. Castaway had that white ball in it. Yes. Jim Brewer? Jim Brewer? Jim Brewer? Oh, Jim Brewer, one of the great conservative comedians

finally taking the ideas of science and common sense to task in the form of a bird. Wow, Jim. The one clip we've seen. Holding up a mirror to society in one. nobody else can. From good boy to bird in pressure, Jim Brewer, keep him coming, my man.

Wow. So what were you saying about? Well, much like the friend in castaway. If you do not have someone to make love to in your own life, make up your own. Make up your own person to have sex with it. Yes, I make love to my castaway DVD once a day. How does that work?

It's got the hole in the middle. And you've figured it out, haven't you, Scott? I whine and I in the DVD. That's how the Hasidic Jews do it. Yes, yes. And I've learned much of my loving tips from the Khashidim. I'll go down to New York or even the Fairfax area and I'll say, how do you do it? And they'll say, please don't look at my wife at this time of day.

My cousin, who lives in Pittsburgh, has a thing he does where if he's not dating someone at the moment, he'll do a sex thing where he close his eyes, pretends he's having sex with someone, but he's actually doing it to himself with his hand. Oh, okay. He's imagining his hand as the touch of another. That's like, it's almost like the stranger,

but where your hand's not asleep. Yeah. That Billy Joel album. Right. Yes, exactly. I always make sure my hands asleep when I listen to that Billy Joel out. Every time I listen to that,

my hands goes right to sleep. Oh, I'm glad Billy's hands didn't fall asleep while making that album. Oh, can you imagine if suddenly, like, you're hearing the most beautiful piano melody and then all of a sudden is like, blank, blank, plonk. We'd be thinking to ourselves,

this man must have had his hands fall asleep so that he can pleasure himself and imagine another doing it. Well, I imagine what they would have done, though, is mix down that track before the final master. Maybe, but what if they forgot, David? Good point.

Good point. What if, like, suddenly his, Mrs. Billy Joel called and was like, when are you coming out for dinner, Billy? You mean Christy Brinkley? Yeah, when are you coming home for dinner? Billy, I made you a nice lasagna. Wait, did you just play a tape of Christy Brinkley?

From the Uptown Girl videos. Or are you just a great mimic? I'm not, it could be either. I'm not quite sure. I'll tell you what. If that's what my wife was like, I'd be moving out. I don't know what you mean. I don't know.

So your third one is have sex. Yes, with whatever you can among the house if you don't have anything. Are we getting to four through eight, I wonder? Well, I'll consider making. the rules less than eight because they're not, they don't, you know,

they don't build to anything, Scott Okraven. Okay. So we're just picking June. So the book is not finished, it sounds like. Well, I'm always worried. It's always a work in progress.

And it's an art that way. Are you going to sell the book and then like redistribute chapters after it's, after it's sold to the people? Yes. Because they're always working on it. I'm always working on the book every year.

It's a new book, you know. The audio book will be more rules, different rules, perhaps we rarely have some rules. Eight rules, 10 rules, 16 rules. rules. 32 rules. I don't know. 64 rules. 128 rules. Now what's the next one? 256?

2506. Yeah. I do believe If you're going to double 128, I do believe it's actually 254. Nope, it checks out. He's right. He's definitely right about that. One of the great mathematical

sequence. I didn't mean to stop your flow. I totally understand. If I'm ever wrong on that, and this is why I love putting out podcast is because my favorite day is Mondays, The show comes out and you hear everything you said that was wrong. Right. I go around the house saying, cool up. The corrections came in.

Now, do you release your own corrections and apologize for the... Yeah, it's heavily footnoted at the end of every podcast. I'll go back and re-upload them and... You must do that and you must remember this to do that, Scott Hockerman. Of course. Do you have any more rules or are we done? I feel like we can be done with this segment or I can make up more, I mean... I don't know.

I don't know. I, my worry is that we're running out of time for this segment. Yeah. Let's try five more rules. Okay. I'm sold. I mean, we already did, we did how many, three at this break? So let's go over five.

So we're going to do five more? Rule number four, you got a shower. Okay. Rule number five, throw it down, big man. Dunk a basketball once a day, no matter the size of the hoop, the height of the hoop, the height of your little legs. High of the basketball. Size of the basketball. I always think about doing that, but I feel like my hoop's not big enough.

and you're saying, don't worry about it. David Wayan, first of all, I'd say, you could dunk on whatever hoop you want to. I've seen your hops. I've seen your athleticism. I'd say dunk on whatever hoop you prefer. Thank you, sir. What about a deflated basketball?

Is that okay to dunk? Well, then it's easier to pull them. If you have tiny hands, weak hands, or arthritic hands, Scott Hockerman. So yes, I will allow it. Okay, fantastic. So that's rule five? Rule number six, eat a healthy meal once in a while.

Once in a while. You gotta eat a healthy meal once in a while. And there's real pleasure in cooking your own meal. I myself will melt a little cherry Garcia over a slice of chicken. That sounds delicious. Oh, chicken a la Garcia. The name implies that it would be a little more exotic or something, but it's just Cherry Garcia melted over chicken.

Scott Okman, why do chefs kiss their hands like that? I've wondered that. No, I was wondering that earlier. Wow, we're on the same page on the chef's kiss. This is all making me hungry. I got to go to Mickey D's and get my tuna news. Dude. Which Mickey D's are we hitting today?

Is it the one by the kitchen? Or are we going to be going more towards Fletcher for our Mickey D's by the two? Very specific Los Angeles. A harder Mickey D's to get to, of course, because that stoplight is tough if you're making a left. Scott Ockerman. Yeah, strange stoplight, strange intersection. But to get to the beautiful Glass Hill Park, it is absolutely worth it, isn't it? Absolutely, absolutely.

Rule number seven, check out your nearest McDonald's. find out the one you prefer best because some of them won't give you your fries hot or your sandwich cold. And it's not always the closest one to you. Tis not, my dear Scott. Thank you, yes. All right. And we have one more rule. Is that right?

I got to just say, that's why I always ordered the McDLT. So I get the hot side hot and the cold side cold. True. It's a good point. And what's the D stand for? D. Delightful. Ooh, yum, yum, yummy, yummy in my tummy.

I thought it was a McDTF. Is that not what it is? Ooh. I think that you might want to erase that. Okay, I'm sorry. Can we rewind this tape? No, we don't. We broke the rewind button.

For the kids, DTF stands for double time. Fuck you. Oh, two middle fingers straight up to the band. And rule number eight, of course, Scott Ackerman. Make a to-do list every morning, every night. Every morning and every night? You would think the one from the night before would carry you over into the next day. Before bed, you're like, sleep all night.

David, wait, have you read my book? Yes. I read the galleys. I don't know what that means. The early... Have you seen that show, early edition? About the news, but it's kind of like in your face news. It gets delivered the day before.

No, it gets... Oh, inside edition is what I'm thinking of. Yes. No, early edition is about the man who had... I guess it's not a superpower as much as a weird thing that happened to him, but he would... Oh, he would go outside. He would wake up in the morning, and instead of checking his phone, he'd open the door. There'd be tomorrow's paper, and he would read all the bad things that were

happening to people and he'd go around trying to stop him. And then the real irony of it is the next day's paper, the next day he would get it, and it wouldn't say like, guy saves life or anything like that. It would just be like more bad shit he had to go solve. All he wanted was a feature in the paper and he never got one, Denny Scott Huckerman. That's the Twilight's own irony of it all.

What if that guy got quantum leaked? Yes. And that is a great idea, David. Are you reading this now? No one would ever know how things in history would change if that one thing changed. Good point. Good point. Well, Bill, this is a good book.

Thank you very much. It's not the good book, like the Bible. No, it's not the King James Bible as it's got awkward. What of the great versions of the Bible. One of the great things that King James ever did. And one of the great kings from Ralph to LeBron James, of course. The King of Basketball, my favorite sports. That orange balls bringing it right back around.

well, where were you going to say? You worry about something? I just worry that I revealed the entire context of my novel, but... That's okay. But everyone knows what happens in Moby Dick, and yet we still discuss it on a daily basis. What does happen in Moby Dick? He chases the around? I always end up buying another copy of that thing.

Yeah, it's like, what happens in this? Let me get one more copy. Send me the bill. But you know... And the great writer of that book didn't even know it was a good book until after he died. Did you know this story? I didn't know that. He thought it was shit.

Nobody liked it. He thought it was shit. Yes. I mean, can you imagine? And history has proven him right. Can you imagine you write the most incredible opening line in novel history? It just hooks you right in. Call me Ishmael.

Oh my God, I got to know more about this guy. Like, what's his last thing? He never gets into it. That's a thing. He's never like, oh, you're waiting 600 pages. And then finally at the end, he's like, Ishmael Johnson. Wow. All right.

Well, we have to take a break, Bill. I hope that's okay. When we come back, we have a concerned mother on the show. Wow, I hope it's not my mother. I hope not. You're a regular father. I am a regular father. We spoke to your show once.

We spoke to your son on the show. Yes, Luke Walton, of course, in his disgusting little voice. Hey, Scott, I know you said, we have to take a break, which I, of course, understand. But you did ask if it was okay with him, and I didn't get an answer yet. Yeah, is it okay with you, Bill? I'll allow it. I'll allow it. Yes, all along.

And thank you, David Wayne, for considering my opinion. What a nice guy. All right, well, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have a concerned mother. We'll have more of Bill Walton. We'll have more with David Wayne. And Wayne Scotting is coming up. And we're going to want to hear this.

You're going to want to stick around for this. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. David Wayne of Wayne Scotting fame is here. And that's coming up a little later on the show, of course. Hi. And you know his catchphrase, hi.

He said that in everything he's ever done, and this is no excitement. I'm glad you got that in. Thank you so much for saying. Do you want to say it again? Just give it another read. Hello, this is David Wayne and the evening news. Not bad. Not bad.

Very good. A very different catchphrase, but still fascinating here. Still just as good. We also have Bill Walton is back here. Happy to be here, Scott, in the presence of greatness. That's right. We're in the backyard, and of course a plane is flying overhead. Have you ever taken a plane trip, Bill?

Oh, Scott, Akerman. I'm so glad. I ask you because I know your voice is live. enough to overcome the plane. I'm so glad you asked. I have taken a plane trip more than once. In the basket of the water basketball, you have to take plane trips very frequently

to travel to play the other teams. Boy, before planes were commonplace, before plane trips were commonplace, would they just, they'd drive there, I guess. On the old tour bus, yes, they would take the bus from place to place and all the stories we had on the tour bus. Man, I can't imagine. Yes, not mine to share, unfortunately.

Oh, really? Who's... Adam McKay's on the great Showtime television show on HBO about the Showtime Lakers. I don't support the show. Magic Johnson has come out against it, but I... Oh, yeah, and also Will Ferrell was not cast in it. That's... Heartbreak...

Isn't it heartbreaking to imagine those two men having that fallout over such a thing? Over the Lakers! Yes! Man! Oh! I want to see that Showtime series about the dark history of HBO. Oh, man. Showtime's taking down HBO?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I get it. How did I miss that? It's a bad time. Stores and Stars is doing Cinemax. People are going to get their due. Who's that? Oh, I think our next guest.

Am I coming on a little early? Oh, I'm sorry. No, that's quite all right. You've been waiting to come on the show. This is our next guest. I want to thank you. I want to thank you so much, Scott, for having me. My name is Amber Bolt.

Oh, yeah, I was going to introduce you. What is it? Oh, please. Oh, do you want me to say it? I mean, you just said it. I'll go for it. My name is Amber Bolt. Amber Grie Gardens is my name, made a name if you remember. Oh, Amber Bolt is your...

Bolt is my married name. Bolt, like the dog? Bolt, like, yes, like the Disney dog, yes. Yeah, that Miley Cyrus... The voiced. She voiced it, right? Miley Cyrus voiced the dog. Isn't that weird?

She was on The Voice, and then she also does a voice for Bolt? It's getting confusing. It's like, what am I watching? I feel like it's like that Ashley Judd movie Double Jeopardy. It's very, very similar. Well, Scott, I have something to tell you off the air about that. Okay, please do it off the air because we have to get to our guest. Amber Bolt is here.

You say, why did you mention your maiden name? Oh, well, because some people do know me by my maiden name. Oh, Amber, what did you say it was? Amber Grigardins. Grigardins. Grigardins. No, I heard the Amber part. You don't have to keep repeating that.

Well, it sort of goes together. You know, it's a bit like a... Oh, I'm sorry. No, is it one. It's, are you... No, it's two names. It's a first and the last. Oh, but they, I mean...

Amber Grigardins. Well, because there are a lot of... Amber's out there, but there are not that many Amber Grie Gardens. Sure. Yeah, no, that's true. Yeah. Is there even another one? Amber, Tiffany Ambertheson.

Oh, no, no. I don't mean a different Amber. The same. No, and I do know who Tiffany Amber Thesson is. But Amber Grie Gardens. Oh, well, there is another Amber Grie Gardens in my organization. Oh, there is? Yes.

Oh, which brings me to my organization. Well, and there's also Tiffany's the store in New York. Tiffany's. Sure. You can have breakfast there sometimes. What about that? So you So you

You have an organization With another person named Amber Grigart Well there are several mothers in my organization Oh okay Is this a concerned mothers organization Is it like mothers against drunk driving? Exactly Exactly Scott

I'm here on behalf of Muffed Which stands where mothers united For fun, exciting dances Oh That sounds like something I can get behind I mean, I don't want to call anybody a pervert, but I think you're going to regret the phrasing of words in a second. Oh, shit.

I can get behind it. Do you know I'm talking about young children dancing? And do you know what I'm specifically here to talk about? It's something that I have noticed, which is that anytime my two daughters, six and four, are their ages, respectfully. Six and four are their ages, respectfully? Oh, so your two daughters respectfully, are six and four. Adina and Tidefa, six and four respectively. Adina and Tadifa?

Adina F.L. Adina F.L. And Tadifa Albright. Tadifa Albreit. These are their middle names? Aphel and Albright named after the two great women in my life. And are their last names Greek gardens or Bolt? That's my maiden name.

They never had the pleasure of experiencing me as a maiden. Did you marry someone named Bolt? Yes. Okay. Bo Bolt. Bill Bolt. Bill Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo. His name is Bo. In other words. Bo. Bo. Great. Bo supports me.

Oh, okay. It supports me. And he supports me and my daughters. But that's great. Our daughters in our endeavors. And I just want to say I was not expecting to come on this podcast today with so many athletes and a director. Wow. I think you guys will understand what I say. Who were the athletes and who are the directors? We thought about one director. Talking about balls. talking about bouncing balls over here. That's right.

I'm athletic. I mean, we're all athletes in our right, aren't we? And I've, of course, directed at Project. You're probably Pac-Man, by the way. I called you Peckman. Oh, okay. Not Mrs. Peckman. So, muffed.

Thank you. Muffed, yes. My daughters are athletes, and what they do is athletic. They're six and four? Respectively. Respectively. And what I find frustrating is that when my daughters go out there and do their thing, oftentimes,

people will say that what they're doing is too sexual. And I just want to say, how is my daughter, my daughter's six and four respectfully? How are they being sexual? They don't even know what being sexual is yet.

The six-year-old has some ideas because she's seen some things. But the four-year-old now, she doesn't even know what a blow job is. She doesn't even know what a back door, a reach-around. She doesn't know what a circle jerk is. She doesn't know what a circle jerk is?

She doesn't even know what I ain't to lose. Do your daughters listen to Comedy Bang Bang? Because they may be getting a little education here. Well, they were allowed to listen, but only after 10 p.m. Oh, okay. And that's their time. So wait, wait. So this is like, what was that Netflix show, Kitties?

What was it? The one where they're dancing? That French cinema. What was it? I love any French film like that. I don't remember what it was called, but kids. Well, it's not that kind of French film. I don't want to call anybody a pervert.

She did not come on this show, wanting to call people perverts? No, I did not. I've noticed. I don't want to call anybody a pervert, but if you keep insinuating to these sort of French films. Can I say, Amber, you've described a bunch of words your daughters don't know. Why would you have to specify they don't know a reach around? Is that their dance looked like a reach around? I've noticed that they've been getting some docking, their points have been getting docked. So there, so there are points in dancing. There are points in dancing. Are your daughters putting their dances up on, on the internet, on TikTok or something? Oh, their athletes are going.

everywhere. They're doing the competitions, the world of dance. They're doing, you know, dance your pants off. Dance your pants off. Of course, you know, they did the pageant circuit. They did, um, Little Miss Alabama, Little Miss Grand Slam, Alabama, South by Northwest. Oh my God. That's an amazing pageant. Yeah. So they've done all of these. This is the circuit. They've done the circuit. That's what I'm saying. And so, you know, if my daughter wants to do a little pot-a-bouret chasse and then turn around and spread her butt cheeks, that's, that's not sexual. That's my daughter being in an athlete. expressing herself.

What, what, okay, so your daughter is, is doing the typical, I heard the typical dance move, the potter beret. A potter barret. That is a very, when you take dance. It's like a pot-a-do, but it's a pot-a-bore. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, a pot-a-d-do. Then the part right after that, I wonder, I wonder exactly, why did your daughter get

the urge to bend over and spread her butt-she? Well, if she is in her dance uniforms, she's in her dance briefs, which, by the way, some people call a thong, but I'm sorry, that's just what my daughter's like to dance in their athletes. Would you expect them to wear a turtleneck for their legs instead? You mean leg warmers? That's what turtle necks for legs are. Yeah, sure, but going all the way up to the neck.

A turtleneck for the leg all the way up to the neck? From the ankles to the neck. Would you like them to be fully covered? It's not the worst idea I've ever heard. I mean... No, it is a bad idea, Scott. Look, I think your daughter should be free to express themselves. I've just worried like who's choreographing this, who's dressing them.

Well, I and the mothers are. are muffed. So you have an organization of mothers who all feel the same way? Is that? No, it's mothers. United. So you are united. So you are united. We're united. So you all feel the same way. Who are the mothers other than yourself? That wasn't the acronym. That's what I was trying to say. Oh, well, there's Amber, which is me. And then there's Amber, which is the other. And that's Amber Grey Gardens. Well, the other Amber Green Gardens. Right. And you guys, did you know each other before, Muff? Well, we're twins. Oh, wait, you're twin.

I see. So you and your twins. sister are the two mothers that are feeling that... Well, there's another set of twins there as well. Oh, okay. Who's that? Tapioca and taffy. Tapioca and taffy. Okay. Very similar. Conglamity. Okay. So I, uh, uh, it's two sets of twins, so four people in this organization. Yes, yes. Collectively, 12 children.

Do you have 12 children? Okay, so you have two. Respectfully. Respectfully, 12 children. So you have two of the 12. Yes. The other three take up the other. 10. Yes. Not equally because that would be impossible. Are you crying? Yes, that way.

Maybe she's on the toilet. Did you suddenly go on the toilet? I hope not, because we're in my backyard. I do a lot of things at once. No, you're a multitasker. A mother is a multitasker. Very Gen Z. From the day that she was born a mother.

Right, yeah. A lot of people don't, like, it's like you have a baby and then suddenly it's that baby's birthday? No, it's your birthday as a mother. I wish my mother, Martha, by the way. Happy birthday. Martha is your mother, too? Martha is my mother,

one of the great Martha's. Oh my gosh, that's a third Martha we've heard of in one day. Amazing. Incredible. Incredible women. Can I say,

because nothing silences a man like me more than the fear of being accused of being a pervert. But I got to say, I go to dance competitions to watch these four to six year olds do well choreographed, efficient.

Kick ball change. Kick ball change. your finger in your mouth, go, pull it out. I don't know about that last part. Pull what out. Pull what out of what? Jazz hands, jazz hands.

Give me a five, six, seven, eight, and then maybe get down on your knees and bob your head a little bit like you're giving a blowy. Okay, I don't know about this. See, in your choreographing this? Mothers are choreographing this. You four mothers, you two sets of twins.

It sounds like euphoria is what it sounds like. Yeah, which is not only for mature audiences. Exactly right. one of those pornographies. When I go see a dance show, I want to see tiny people doing the same things that big people do equally as well. Well, I'm with you. You know?

I'm with you there. I'm with you there. How are you? When I go to a dance show, I want to see tiny people. I'm with you. I'm with you there. I'm with you there. Yeah.

I think, you know, if we wanted to see big people, we'd be watching basketball. We'd be watching. That's the thing. They're, look. Dodgeball. You have basketball on the one end of the same. spectrum. You have dance competitions for four to six-year-olds on the other end of the spectrum.

Those are the two types of shows. Those are the two body types that we like to watch. That's right. Look, I'm just... Or Hamilton, right in the middle. Right. And perfectly in the middle as well. A great sweet spot musical, isn't it, Hamilton?

A little bit of big people, a little bit of little people. Well, what I loved about, I know what I loved about Hamilton. When I went there, I was like, everyone in it is not like super huge or really small. Well, that's the thing is, I usually, I like to go see something with really, huge people in are really tiny. And then when I went to see Hamilton, they all came out on stage and I was a little like, huh? Right. But then I was like, oh my God. You get used to it. You get used to it and you're like, that person is the size that that person should be. And you go straight down the line, you're like exactly as tall as they should be, exactly as

tall as they should be. And it's just like it really recalibrates your way of thinking. I saw the band's visit and that piece of crap miscast everyone's body size by a mile. I also have to say, I think that their costumes were a little bit restrictive for In the band's visit. You know, just in general, when I, whenever I go. You wanted to see more of the, I wanted to see more of that monk. You wanted to see some monk neck. I wanted to see a little monk ankle.

You want costumes in general to be revealing, it seems to me. Yeah. I want them to be not restrictive. Okay. Amber alert, a dance belt looks like a thong. You shouldn't say Amber Alert when you're talking about yourself. Why not? I came first.

Amber, can I ask you a question? Do you have your own history of doing dance yourself? Yeah, I mean, I think that's a little bit why people, I mentioned my maiden name earlier. You know, I did the circuits when I was younger. You know, I had dollyonses with, you know, Wolf Blitzer, Kenneth Schenalt, the major credit card company guys, you know, and we danced, we danced. Incredible. I mean, what a history. Yeah, I was on the scene. I was on the circuit.

Are you talking about you did like swing dance competition or are you seeing? Me and Kenny Chanel. Well, we would tour. Kenny Chanel, wow. We would dance and talk about pulling out a name. That's a deep cut. Well, he's on our checks, no? So, you know, America's checks.

Or is that Robin? Anyway, had some good times with both of them. Kenny's a great dancer. No one does a reach-around like Kenny, which is, of course, a partner dance. It's a hand-to-hand move. That's when, you know, one person is in the front and the other person is in the back. No, we know what a – I mean, I'm picturing it. The minute you said, reach-around, I pictured it in my mind just immediately.

Well, that's a square dance tradition. The reach around. Yeah, it's like an Allamond left. Reach around your partner and grab his cock. Exactly. Now, I don't want to call anybody a pervert here, but we are referring to a rooster. Right. Of course, yes, of course.

Yeah, I mean, that's square dancing. That's why it's on the farm, of course. I mean, unless, of course, we're talking about adults here. I had to say this, Amber, but before we were on the air, you show me some videos of your daughter's dancing. It's not even that dances are a little adult. Your daughters suck at dancing. They're off time.

The choreography is bad. That's your major issue with what she's talking about? I mean, because she's coming at us like, this is artistic, this reach around. Oh, I see. The dancing is awful. They are out of time. And I'm out of time when I watch it. I said, I got to go because this is bad dancing.

I mean, I think if that were the issue, if that were the concern, then the judges would be saying things like, oh, bad syncopation. Are they saying that? No, but the only reason they're not saying it is because the judges are out of time and they had to go. Sure. You just said his joke. I hadn't considered that. Do you think these people are not staying for the end? The big finish, if you will, for the dance?

What is the big, I hate to ask you this, but what is the big finish? Okay, well, basically after the pizza guy comes. Is the pizza guy a character in the dance? Oh, it's whoever and who's backstage. Oh, okay. You just recruit whoever's backstage. Yeah, yeah. Best feet backstage.

Stage hand. Do you ever play the pizza guy? Um, I have I have I have I have And people

Ever since I had People are asking You know When are you gonna come back Play the pizza again What are you Right In some of the videos

You show me The pizza guy Kind of takes up a lot of time And He's a guy as a monologue Yeah Just 16 bars Well have you guys

See the beginning Of dirty dancing Who has it? Weirdly enough I I did last week Scott has seen That one

Yes And I believe my co-host on the show watched it last week as well. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, how about that? Interesting. So, and did you watch it recently? No, I was going to inform you that I'm in the credits.

Oh, you are? I'm in the opening credits. The opening credits. Yeah, you know, the people dancing? Yeah, the dirty dancers. The dirty dancers. Yeah. You're in that.

You're one of the dirty dancers? So anyway, so when they saw me being the pizza guy, you know, they were like, oh, bring back the woman from the credits of dirty dancing. Which one are you with you? What, specifically, which one? I'm the woman who, it looks like she should be shaking it up, but instead she's shaking it down. I know that one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's shaking it down, but I'm like, she should be shaking it up. Say no more. Exactly, yeah. I got to say, I'm the one who's muffed here. What? This has never happened before. I know, I'm usually a jovial happy man, but I, you know. You're going to look at you.

You're a muffed as hell. I'm muffed as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore, Amber. the art of young kids dancing is a time-honored tradition. It is sacred. I don't know why this man is getting up in my face about this. Yeah, I'm not sure why you're standing. You're like chest to chest with her. Well, because I'm ready to throw.

I'm ready to throw. All right, Amber. Get your hand off my hand. Basketball players are always looking for a free throw. I will take you up to about 10 feet away from the hoop. I'll roll you up and do a little ball. I'll dribb you three times. Take a deep breath and try to throw you into the hoop.

Oh, you think that's a threat? Well, I've got my hand on your hip right now. I'm ready to dip you, dip, you dip. Oh, my gosh. Now they're just dancing. This is like a first date dialogue. I don't know what's going on right now. You're getting a little close.

I fail a little pope coming through. Watch me lead. Watch me lead. Lean back. I'll just pull up my pants, thank you. Okay, now do the rock away. Okay. So you are a good choreographer and you know some moves.

Obviously, you're teaching. Like Bill Walton, I mean, this is like dancing with the dang stars. I feel like they wouldn't let me. on that show, and yet here I am doing a great dance. Yeah, that was incredible. Walden on the basketball court is its own dance. Oh, I mean, I would liken it to a dance, an elegant ballet almost. David Wade, I could cry at the compliment.

Thank you so much. Oh, my gosh. It's like the back pain never came with a compliment like that. Thank you so much. So you obviously can dance, Amber. Why are you teaching your kids to do these types of things? I don't want to call you a pervert again, but it's just dance moves. You're the one that's putting some kind of freaky sexual connotation.

You caught one of the moves a blowy. But this is bad for children. This is the issue. This is a disconnect here. It definitely is a disconnect because I think your brain is disconnected from your head or something. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. I went there.

I feel like to be in a tap. Your brain is disconnected from your head. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. I don't often say that about guests, but I think you're crazy. Ouchy. Well, God damn Well, God damn

I don't like to say this I have had a lot of restraint When it comes to this show over the years But you are out of your dang mind You want a tango crazy man Wait where Oh my god Now we're dancing

That's right Take this rose All of my left That's right Dip coming dip coming Well when I dip you dip You dip Oh

And spin your partner around And it's the left hand star Oh my God What'd you think about that That was incredible Well, thank you. Your mouth was so wet. Exactly.

And your neck. And see, if I don't tell my daughters this kind of thing, they're just going to come into real life. They're going to get to college, have their first sexual experience at the age of 21. Yeah. And it'll just be bad. I think you're right. It'll be bad. That was incredible.

You know, sometimes in life, small scales can lead to larger scales. Yeah. Dancing is akin to many things. It's a gateway. Dancing is a good gateway. Wow. That was incredible. I just got smoking a cigarette ordering Chinese

food on postmates. How soon do you think this could get here? I really hate tension, so I am so glad we resolved that. I really did not want to have to call you a pervert. Ever since you walked out, there's been just too much tension. I'm glad we got that out of the way. I really want to throw Amber a little bone here if we could. Hey, I had my chance.

You go for it. I know that there's probably people out in the audience who will want to support what you're doing. Thank you. They'll want to join Mufft. Either join or give money or otherwise just stay in touch. Some sort of support, at least. Word of mouth.

there a way that you can say that the audience can, you know, if they go online or is there an email that you have, a phone number, whatever it is, that you'd like to tell us all so that people who are out there can get in touch with you and, you know, get a sense of what it is that you are doing. I wonder how long you can stretch this out. One of the great descriptions of a website from David Wayne right now. You know, of course we have YouTube channels that you can follow us on our YouTube channel. We have direct URLs.

We also have a hotline. That's 1-800 Hot Youngs. Hot Youngs? Okay. No-O. No-O. Just Y-O. Is it with a Z?

No. No. The hot has no. Oh, so it's just Hutt. Yeah. Hood Young. Hutt-Jungs. Okay.

That's our phone call. Phone call number. Okay. Phone call number, great. All right. If you want to call and give us a phone call. Of course, our URL, we've got muffed.uPorn.com. Okay.

This is, I mean, you know what? What else? Where else can you reach us? Where else, indeed? I feel like that's good. Those are two great places. I didn't know U-Porn was doing hosting. I think that's huge.

I mean, there's a lot of money in hosting sites. Yes, a lot of traffic coming through there. Definitely. I didn't know either. I was excited to take them up on this opportunity. You know, they reached out to me after they saw our last dance number. It was actually a duo, the two girls. Edina and Afelda.

Hmm. And six and four. Elba, like from Wicked? Efelda, like short for Efel down. Oh. Like Adina too much on food and then it fell down. Exactly. All right.

You got it. Okay. I think we're finding some common ground here. Well, wonderful. You know, I think we overcame our differences and I overcame as well. Yeah. Amber Bolt. Wonderful to have you on this.

And I just want to say I appreciate you giving us the chance to know how to get in touch. Yeah. Yes. That's perfect. We are running out of time, though, on the show. I'm so sorry. Fuck. We have one final feature on the show, Bill.

And that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Plug me, baby. I know you want to plug me good. Plug me, baby, like a good woman or a... mansion It doesn't matter what you say It doesn't matter that your father's in a counting Plug away

Plug me good I like it sexy That was John Crane with plugs I just had some ideas for some dance moves after that song Plug me good I think we're going to talk with the girls tonight Okay I saw you working those moves out over there And I do not think you should teach the girls that bad

I'm talking with the girls tonight too Again, it's not sexual when a child does it What does that mean to you, David? You're talking to the girls? It just means I'm heading over to the club And I'm going to talk to some of the girls Oh great, all right, wonderful Well, that's where David can be tonight

Anything else you want to plug, David? You know what coming up is the show Murderville On Netflix. On Netflix? It's a show that is starring Will Arnette about a, and there's a celebrity guest every episode who doesn't know what's going on, has not seen the script, has no clue what's happening. And it's like a whodunit.

And they just have to follow along, figure it out. Okay. And you have something to do with this? I'm going to be on the first episode. You're in the very first episode. How about that? It's very funny show. Okay.

Murderville coming up. That's incredible. Bill Walton, what do you want to plug? Oh, I guess if you really come down to it, I would rather swim in an ocean. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, that's what you'd rather. That's a totally different feature that we do on the show. We ran out of time for it this week.

We usually do it every single week. But unfortunately, we don't have enough time for it. We're doing plugs right. I'm so sorry. Fuck. Man, you're really hard on yourself today. What a damn dummy I was just now. Scott Ockerman, it's been a tough day.

I haven't followed. Get eight Bill Walton's eight simple rules for a clean bill of health and happiness. And of course, you can check out the Man Dog Pod. It's the Improvic Conversation podcast. or Big Grande website.com for the sketched improv group Big Grande. They'll be releasing a live improv show that they did recently. Oh, okay.

That's fantastic. Big Grande. Big Grande website.com. Website. And of course, for you year-round horror fans, check out paranormal activity on Paramount Plus. Oh, man. Next of kin.

Yes. Thank you. Nothing better than being February and just turning on a scary movie. Why don't you scare your Valentine this year? Scare the shit out of your loved ones. Amber, Amber Boltz. That's right. Thank you.

Amber Bolt, what would you like to plug? I would just like to plug my dancewear line. Vixins, fixins. It's tiny clothes for tiny girls. Oh, my God. Vixen's fixins. Vixen's fixings. And, yeah, we make dancewear dance line.

Yeah, and of course, you know, I did not birth my two baby angels. Did not rip my cooch from bootch to slouch. Boy, that's a wide swat. From belly to Nelly, just so they would be scored poorly at these dance concerts. So, you know. So let's get the scores up. Right, your conference, though. If you're listening out there and you're a dance judge for dancers between the ages of four and six, let's get those points up.

Respectfully. Please get those points up from Boch to Stoge. I want to plug, first of all, my sister podcast, Freedom, every Thursday, of course, that's Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkis and myself. You can hear that anywhere podcasts are. Three superstars of podcasts. The superstars of podcasts. Three people who would be on Mount Podmore, right after Adnan, the aforementioned Adon and Adam Curry and who else would be up there? Adam Carolla.

Adam Carolla, of course, definitely. Ira Glass. Ira Glass put him up there and a Corolla, a regular Corolla. Sam Harris. Yes, one of the great. Sam Harris singing over the rainbow. Like when you go to Mount Rushmore, it's like, okay, yeah, they look like those presidents, but do they sing? right Scott trying to audition for David

David great premise Trying to audition for this movie But also over at CBB world We have some great stuff Entre P. Neur has her own show It's Entre P. Neur's Entrepreneur tour With Appetizer P. Neur That was a very funny episode

That's the CBB presents. It was very funny On Scott hasn't seen I just watched the aforementioned dirty dancing and we talked to Sprague and I talked to Gillian Jacobs about that. And some really good stuff happening over there, including the Andy Daily Podcast Project. We just had a great bananas for Bonanza with Werner Herzog dropped by and talked about an episode of bananas.

So some really good stuff over there. Head over to CBBWorld.com. You can subscribe monthly or if you subscribe for a year, you get two months free. Can you not end it? I just really want to say one thing important. When you go to a hotel and they're like, oh, it's $99 for the night. you're like, oh, great, I'll take that.

Sure. Then you go to the desk and it's like, oh, plus taxes and like a resort fee. Extra charge for this, charge of that. Yeah. At the end of the day, it's going to be like $125 before you're all set and done. Yeah. What the hell? How about that?

Good plug. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Yeah. Take one head put it. Take the other. You're gonna make a box. It's time to start to close it, but don't close it too much. Or you open up that blood.

Open up your heart for the rest of the world. Talking open up the blood. Wow. Oh, play that one again. Really good. That was Rud Ruse with Open Up Your Heart. That sounded like the killers or something. That was pretty incredible.

It sounded so much better than when we actually did that. And you could barely hear the small chat robot there in the back saying, oh no. Did anyone say, oh, no today? I'm keeping track. Oh, no, nobody did. Oh, well. Guys, I want to thank you, David Wayne. God, we didn't have time for Wayne Scotting.

So much fun every time, though. So much time. But we'll get to Wayne Scotting next time. Yes. I'm going to do a new podcast, Wayne Scott. Yes, we should do one. Okay. Okay.

And Amber Bolt, nay. Greed Gardens. Greed Gardens. Thank you. Who has the same name as your twin. My twin. So silly of Martha, really. I mean, when you think about it.

Martha never got married. Martha never got married. Oh, your mother, Martha never got married. Oh, sorry, I thought you were trying to bring up a traumatic, a dark moment for my family. No, Martha never got married, but no. Amber. We don't want to bring, but Amber did get married. Amber did get married.

Whom did she married? But she married a man whose last name is Grigardons as well. Oh, okay. Not related, though. Not related. Well, I don't know. I haven't done my 23 and me. Yeah, you guys just.

to do 23, 24, like any number will do. Whatever it takes. Yeah, whatever it takes to get you there. My gosh. And Bill, what can be said at this point? You know, if we're talking family traumas, my mom lost her first child very young. Oh, no, we weren't. No, actually, she brought that up.

Oh, okay. No, I'm not fishing for those. Oh, well, you know. A former mother made again a mother. Yes, yes, made again a mother. But I felt like I was. A former mother made again a mother. A former mother.

Made again a mother. David, we're auditioning for your movie. You know, I'd love to sort of think about this and circle back with you guys. Okay, circle back. It's got Shakespeare in every. We're all movie stars. Let me and my team talk internally. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Everyone's got to vote. Of course. Yeah, and you got to type up the contract. I understand. If you need small, small, small dancers, I know two girls. Oh, God. So, let me know. David doing the opposite of the voice.

He's turning his chair to face a wave there. I have pictures. I have pictures of them. In various states. Oh, no. In various, which states? Colorado? All right.

Look, we have to go. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.